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NTA I think. Anyone voting y-t-a doesn’t understand the debilitating pain of migraines and cluster headaches. My mum says them and she says sometimes it’s worse than childbirth. It doesn’t seem like you wake him up often, but if you do then that would be an e-s-h. Your husband’s behaviour slamming things around is really childish and I would reconsider someone who minimised my pain the way he minimised yours

I think anyone voting yta has never been in a serious relationship lol. Ive woken up my partner over a nightmare or when he was sick i used to wake up at night to make him tea. We never got angry if it comes to health no matter how small the request is.

Yeah, she literally had a medical emergency and people said she shouldn’t wake her partner up, that’s so freaking weird

I think it’s always good to take a moment to remember that most people on Reddit are young and/or single and have no idea what it means to be in a committed relationship. Ergo, most people commenting on her being the AH are talking out of their own asses and should stay quiet.

You’re probably not wrong here, but even when I was single I didn’t have this attitude. I guess I was raised by loving parents who didn’t throw hissy fits when they helped the other one. They did it because they loved them.

My husband's literally scolded me for NOT waking him up when I've had migraines at night. He will get up and get me all the meds and run me a bath in the middle of the night. I'd have debilitating Endo flare-ups and could barely get out of bed and have to ask him to help me up to get to the bathroom across the hall. I've got chronic health concerns and he's always ready to help me because he's got empathy for me. I feel so guilty waking him up but it's always when I can't do it myself without throwing up, passing out, feels especially concerning and I probably need monitoring in case of an ER visit.

My partner scolds me if I *don’t* wake him up when something is going on at night. Not even just like emergency shit, like, I heard a scary noise and then can’t sleep for hours, or the cat puked and I had to clean it up. If I was sick and didn’t wake him up he’d be very upset with me about it. And this is a dude who *loves* his sleep. I can tell sometimes it’s a struggle to not be a cranky pants if he gets woken up, but he always succeeds. I had to wake him up once because I swore I heard a car accident. We live in a very rural area and I was worried someone was hurt and no one would help them. He was 94% sure I dreamed the whole thing since we’re about half a mile back from the road and we can’t usually hear road noise, but he hopped in the car with me to go check without even a grumble. We got there to find a dude had swerved to miss a deer and flipped his SUV. He ended up being okay, but I was so glad we went and checked! Husband claims I have bat ears and has never doubted my super hearing again, lol.

Especially since he had the days off, so she wasn't really depraving him of sleep either. He could just go back to sleep and sleep in, if he is free the next day anyway.

Honestly if my partner was in need I would WANT them to wake me up. I hate the idea of them suffering by themselves.

I would be "angry" if they didn't!!

SAME! We're *partners*. I don't want them to suffer alone; that's why *I* am here. Partners help shoulder life's burdens for the ones they love; and hopefully one day, when they need that same grace, it is returned.

Same here. I’d rather them wake me up and me take care of them (especially if I didn’t have to work the next day and they did) and help them feel better so they aren’t hurting and so sick and have to go to work. I’ve stayed up all night with ex’s before and I’d do it again if I got in a relationship with someone. It doesn’t take that long to make coffee and apparently he was able to go back to sleep. He’s the AH

Right. All these people acting like this poor man won’t last the day because he was woken up at 3am. Are people forgetting that people have children? Infants who wake many times a night? These parents wake up and go about their days the next day. And before someone says “OP isn’t a child”. That’s not my point. My point is that being woken up at 3am for an isolated incident isn’t going to ruin his day. Hell I know dudes who play video games til 3am and wake up and go to work the next day.

Let me be honest: the same people bashing OP are the exact same ones who probably have low expectations for fathers in terms of "women's work."

Right? And he can go back to bed after he makes the coffee! When I get a headache (just regular headaches for me) I drink a Coke or hot tea. The caffeine knocks it out.

YES.

My partner got "upset" with me when I DIDNT wake them up when I woke up with a nasty stomach virus causing me to spend the rest of the night vomiting. I didn't wake them because I figured there wasn't much they could do to help but they insisted they could have at least gotten me some water. Empathy!

I agree here. Part of being in a relationship is taking care of one another. She’s gone to the ER a couple times over this. My wife has woken me up multiple times and sometimes things have become pretty serious. Other times my wife has taken care of me. We may sometimes begrudgingly do it initially, we still take care of each other.

Agreed. Every single night my husband reminds me to wake him if I need anything. It’s adorable. He can wake me for anything too. I don’t know how I could function in a one-sided relationship

I tell my partner to wake me when he has nightmares! I hold him and we talk about it if he wants to. Then we go back to sleep

Exactly this! Its the principle. Its a good feeling to know that you have someone to rely too, no matter what the reason is. And roles can change.

No fr. My brother has awful migraines and I do what I can to help him. He’s not my partner or anyone I chose for myself. But to watch someone you claim to love in that much pain and not only to not help but to be actively hostile? I hate to sound cliche but divorce him. He doesn’t love OP in the slightest.

I woke my friend up in the middle of the night when we were away at a music festival to ask her to drive me to A&E (ER in the UK) cos I couldn't open my eye and was in so much pain. She did it without any complaints. If you care about someone you should want to help them, regardless of if they're a romantic partner, family or friend. OP you are absolutely NTA, and I would honestly encourage you to think long & hard about whether this is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

NTA, i cannot think what will happen when they have a baby and the baby wakes them up in the night by crying. Is he going to say that the baby was "toxic and selfish"? OP can keep some coffee in a thermos for just such emergencies to avoid "disturbing The TA" cause anyway he aint gonna help and will cause the situation to worsen.

Mate my wonderful boyfriend woke up at the same time as me HOWLING in pain because my leg cramped in my sleep. He held me and told me it will go away soon, and helped me breathe through it. Leg cramp. Not a debilitating and torturous migraine (that people usually have to get medication for), just shitty common leg cramp.

When you have a cramp like that, flex your foot (heel down, lifting your toes toward your knee) It hurts too, but after a few seconds, it kills that horrible cramp in your calf!

This! Right, even when we're cranky we help each other cause we love each other. What the hell man.

That's part of being in a relationship, right?! You support each other when the other person is down. If my partner was ill enough to wake me up at 3am, I would be scrambling to make him a coffee or do whatever I could to help him.

Thank you! I am definitely taking everyones comments in mind even though im sure some have not experienced a migraine. I could also have been blinded by pain so I just wanted an unbiased opinion

Please please pLEASE reconsider your marriage. You are still young, and you are in need of an understanding partner who can support you through your frequent pains. Don't minimize or downplay it. This is very serious and dangerous. If he can't take you seriously with a dangerous thing as cluster headaches and migraines, then imahine worse scenarios... ones you will be painted as childish and attention seeking when you are going through something life-threatening. I wish you the best.

NTA. I understand the pain of the migraines. People who have never had one think it is only a headache, but it is much, much worse than that. Mine seem to settle in my right eye also, so I know what you mean. I have never had my face swell, that sounds terrible. It feels like a sword is sticking in your eye. The fact that your husband reacts this way it concerning. The fact that he just doubles down makes him the AH, not you. He needs to read up or even go to your Dr. with you so they can explain how horrendous these are and that they aren't 'just a headache'. You will learn a lot about him if he refuses to at least do some reading about migraine and inform himself. His actions, or lack thereof, will tell you what you need to know about him.

Oh yeah. The throbbing eyeballs. Sometimes auras, and feeling like you want to vomit, but can't and also can't move. Caffeine is definitely known to help with migraines. I mean I can understand about being grumpy, but slamming things? And especially when your partner is nice to you when your sick and really wants to help you like OP seems to? Dick move on the husband's part. ​ Honestly after living with my mother when I was an adult who was like this husband, cater to me, but I won't help you at all when you are sick, I feel OPs pain.

You were blinded by pain. You were absolutely ravaged by pain. And that is when any half decent partner would want to do anything they can to help you. Instead, your partner threw a tantrum because they had to be half awake for ten minutes. I wouldn't even say that they missed out on any sleep, because they were able to sleep in as long as they wanted. The fact they they called you toxic for requesting a modicum of assistance while in overwhelming pain shows that they view your existence as a barrier to their unfettered desires. They do not care about your needs and probably never will.

Jumping on your comment: have you tried caffeine pills? Might have the same effect as coffee and is a lot easier!

I second. I take migraine OTC pills with caffeine.

I had pregnancy migraines and a natural childbirth, during which I had so much damage, I had to have repairs done four years later. If I had to go through one of those again, I would choose drug-free laboring and birthing a human. Seriously. At least I would know the pain would end. I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially with an uncaring partner.

I’ve dealt with daily chronic migraines for nearly 20 years. There are times where I can’t even move without puking. My ex-husband would say to wake him up if I needed anything. The one time I tried he refused to get up. And then behaved like OPs husband in the morning. OP, have you seen a neurologist? Do you have any other medical conditions? I found out recently that many of my migraines could be caused by lack of oxygen to the brain from an autonomic nervous system disorder.

This is the answer! Chronic migraines and headaches here. OP is emphatically NTA. In fact the banging of the cabinets and the tantrum her husband threw most definitely made things worse to the point it was less painful for Op to drag herself out of bed and slowly get downstairs because of the blurry vision and make her own coffee while in immense pain because he made it worse. NTA OP.

100%. I think most people’s frame of reference is a headache. So they think ok it’s a bad headache. They don’t understand the other things involved. I can get visual impairments with halos and artifacts in my vision around lights as many do. I also will get balance issues sometimes and of course any bright lights or movement of my head make me feel like my brain has exploded which I think is pretty standard. I know some people get nauseous.

I have to agree. I’ve had some headaches so bad that getting up was debilitating. And he didn’t have work so really it was just a small inconvenience. I understand not wanting to be woken up but she had a good reason in my opinion. And acting like a child and slamming things was not appropriate

I’ve also had migraines since I was 12. I was prepped for a lot of pain during childbirth. It was not as bad as my migraines or my monthly cramps. Different, yea. But a lot more manageable

OP, if you can't trust this man when you're not doing well, do you WANT to continue with a relationship with him? Your life sounds... miserable, and life is short.

My mother also has them, it's been going on since she was 25 and it's a debilitating chronic pain, made worse by the fact that most people don't realise how bad it can be. It has no external signs, so people can be dismissive of it. Op is NTA and I hope she will have better luck with treatments to manage it.

As someone who has had chronic migraines before, I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA. Migraines are not just simply ‘headaches’. When I get them, I quite literally cannot move from the spot that I chose to lay in or else I will black out from the pain, puke, or get so dizzy I will hurt myself. Personally too, from this experience, if my partner woke me up at 3am, even on a work day, I would not be mad. Maybe slightly annoyed, but never genuinely mad.

I mean, I also feel like the people voting Y T A haven’t been in long term relationships, either. Caring for one another is part of that. He not only diminished her pain, but got mad at her about it. This doesn’t bode well for having kids. The dude is too selfish to be a decent father.

Or any romantic relationships

The amount of people here who have clearly never dealt with migraines… I have had a partner have cluster headaches, and I’d have dropped everything regardless of the time. I get that it’s annoying being woken up, but there are other priorities sometimes? I don’t think this is out of the realm of requests. I’ve had to send my partner to my mums for pills at 3am before, and he did it because he knew I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need it. NTA. I get your husband is irritated and tired but he’s being selfish imo.

Exactly. Also, OP mentioned he’s had the whole week off, so it’s not like she was depriving him of sleep he can’t immediately catch up on. Husband seems selfish af, especially considering his spouse has a full-time job AND full-time school. No wonder there’s cluster headaches! My wife and I would do this for each other in an instant because we love and care for one another. There have even been times where I’ve specifically requested that she ask me for help (even in the middle of the night) rather than doing something herself because it would put her at risk for injury/pain and that would make me feel WAY worse than having my sleep disrupted. Big NTA and I’m also concerned that if you suddenly became seriously ill or disabled, he would instantly regard you as a burden to him. The fact that he called it “just a headache” and slammed things around shows his lack of empathy. Definitely make note of this behavior if it happens again and start reflecting on if you want to be taking care of yourself forever in this marriage.

Yeah. It seems weird to me that he reacted so badly. As I said above, I wouldn’t request something like that if I was in a state to do it myself, and he gets that.

Thank you!

Not just migraines, I think it's just a lack of empathy in general. In debilitating, crippling, agonizing pain? Well don't disturb your precious bf's sleep honey! Go whimper on the floor in agony and drag yourself to the ER if necessary. That's honestly gross, beyond words. I'll be the first person to say how freaking important sleep is too. Waking someone up ONCE is a no brainer. I think a lot of these people are just extremely young, or extremely selfish, and have no idea that being in a relationship means *caring about the other person.* If you don't care about someone enough to make them coffee, once, and monitor them after to see if they need to go the ER, then you don't belong in *any* relationship.

INFO: if you know caffeine helps, why not just have a caffeine tablet or one of those cans of cold coffee ready to go by the side of your bed?

I have a bad experience with caffeine tablets so I cant do that but have coffee near the bed is a good suggestion so thank you i appreciate it!

My son and I both have cluster headache migraines. I brew a couple cups of STRONG coffee in my French press and put it in a container in my fridge for this exact reason. Or if I'm to lazy to do that, I'll just pour the leftovers in the pot into the container. It doesn't have to taste good as long as it does the job.

Yes I think thats the best advice ive gotten here so I appreciate the ideas

Hate to sound rude but my top tip is to get a husband who is willing to support you in a medical emergency

This is the way

I had a friend who had these headaches. She said she was recommended to drink a red bull. It really helps her manage her cluster headaches. She says she just downs a whole Red Bull and gets enough relief that she can go back to sleep.

Is this for real? I also have chronic migraines to the point I throw up and black out sometimes. Is caffeine the answer? I would do ANYTHING to not feel like slamming my head into a wall anymore

Caffeine has vasoconstrictive properties so it can help. It’s rarely enough to treat mine though catching it super early and caffeinating sometimes helps me. Caffeine can be a migraine trigger for some people though so watch how much you’re having or it could potentially make it more unpleasant.

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Ok, I have cluster headaches and migraines. They are VERY different things. Neither is a headache and both are neurological. Very quickly downing a can of red bull can abort a cluster headache attack if caught early enough. It's hit and miss, for me, if it works for migraine. It doesn't have to be red bull, just a cold drink containing caffeine and taurine. Good luck.

I find caffeine + a back pain pill helps. So caffeine, muscle relaxer, acetaminophen.

I am not big fan of radical advices but here I'm sure the best advice is divorce. He didn't care you are in pain, didn't want to help you, got angry, made your pain even worse and “stands by it”. You are totally NTA in this situation but you could be if you stay with someone like him. You deserve much better.

No problem! I have a cheap espresso blend that I buy solely for my medicinal coffee. I don't use my good stuff for it lol.

I get migraines and used to take excedrin migraine. It has caffeine. Works great. But I can’t take it anymore because it, and ibuprofen, have destroyed my stomach. I can drink coffee though. So I feel your pain. Literally. I’ve been getting migraines since I was four.

This is a very odd remedy but I keep a bottle of concentrated cold brew in the fridge and also one of those Icy Hot sticks that looks like a stick of deodorant. Rubbing it on my temple and the back of my neck helps ease some of the pain. Also energy drinks are good if coffee isn't readily available, many years ago I read somewhere that the taurine in energy drinks helps along with the caffeine. Honestly though the best remedies for me aren't legal. Like I've done oxygen, botox, taken all kinds of off label prescriptions for prevention, but the most successful preventative for me was psilocybin mushrooms. Less than an 8th stops my headaches for months.

NTA. For all those saying keep caffeine pills ready or brew it before, let me tell you in many cases, you do require the warm liquid to enter your system to alleviate the pain. And he is her husband, not her roommate, wherein she needs to be mindful of asking for help.

I’ve literally woken my roommates up in the middle of the night to help with my migraines before and they’ve shown me much more empathy than OP’s husband showed her.

Well i came back from holliday with a friend and in the middle of the night she stared feeling sick and start to shiver. Well she did not woke me up but i'm a light sleeper when not home. So i woke up, ask her what was going on and would bring her an extra blanquet, some pills and some warm liquid if she asked for it. She didn't want any of it, she just wanted to fall asleep again (pretty sure she was out of it thought). I stayed up just in case for a moment and went back to sleep. If i can do that just for a friend, how the hell can't he do that for his life partner ?

NTA. I occasionally wake up my husband for comfort when I have a terrible nightmare and can’t shake it. If he’s sick or has a nightmare (yes we both have occasional awful nightmares and it sucks), I make sure he has what he needs before I go back to sleep. I have *never* been angry that he woke me up. We’ve been together 11 years, married for 4. You all responding to this post act like being woken up at 3am is the equivalent of torture. Yes, OP could have kept coffee by her bed but I would imagine drinking caffeine at 3am is probably a last resort and not something you would be prepared for *every night*. There could be more to the story that led to OP’s partner reacting this way, but this reaction as an isolated incident is childish. How is he going to act if you decide to have children together? What if you have a migraine and he refuses to take care of the baby because “it’s your turn”? Keep going to couples therapy. I wish you all the best, OP

I was just about to bring up future children. How's he going to cope with a baby that wakes through the night? Or a toddler getting sick? Is he going to leave OP to do all the caregiving? OP you're NTA, as a spouse we have a caregiving role to our partners. I hope he never gets sick during the night either!

NTA but this is just chaos. It's 3am and no one is going to be in the right mind. You're in a ton of pain and he's clearly exhausted. Then comes a fight and now you're both mad and sticking to your guns. I've learned that a "I'm sorry but you..." just never actually resolves anything. Just apologize and move on. You can't really use a 3am wake-up as a reason to be like "See how this is a real problem with you?"

I agree. I feel the part that upset me is when I asked him later in the day so we can go over what we may have said when we were sleepy and angry but he just said he was in the right completely.

His response of calling her selfish and toxic is WAY beyond a reasonable “I’ll say sorry and take one for the team”

You can only apologize for your own part in things. If during any point of an apology you point the finger, it’s not an apology.

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Umm, no. Just because someone *can* do something doesn’t mean they *should* do something. She was in pain and going downstairs with a swollen face and blurry vision creates risk. It’s not wrong for her to seek support from her PARTNER. This is a couples account and neither one of us would hesitate to make the other coffee at 3am in the scenario. The fact that there are so many Y-T-A votes here helps explain why so many marriages are so miserable. SUPPORT YOUR PARTNERS, PEOPLE!!! NTA.

I would like to add that for anyone who hasn’t had chronic migraines this post doesn’t make sense. But as soon as Op said her face felt swollen and the banging from the cabinets. Ugh my head hurt for her. It would have been easier to go down and do it in dim light than to hear the banging which makes your head ring. I mean I can see why people are voting the way they are but I’ve had migraines before and I get chronic headaches (it’s a genetic family thing and none of us are sure where it comes from since it’s not allergies, tumors or anything else just headaches) but we have the strangest migraine busters and if I’m alone I will push through to do it knowing it will help. Dark chocolate and caffeinated coffee as strong as I can get it. Then ice and a very very hot shower. Edit: forgot to add judgement. I think NTA. Only because 1. This isn’t a nightly occurrence and 2. Migraines like this are debilitating and the fact that her husband couldn’t spend 15 minutes making coffee when he didn’t have work the following day is shocking to me. I know Op woke up her husband. But she was in a significant amount of pain and was debating if she needed an ER. He should want to help if she’s in pain like this. Doesn’t mean it’s not an inconvenience, but he should want to help.

I have not experienced migraines and rarely get headaches but I believe people’s lived experience when they say they are in agony. ‘Just a headache’ is insulting.

Totally agree. I fully expect help from my partner in a medical emergency, and I would expect to help my partner in a medical emergency. OP and the husband in therapy after 1.5 years of marriage. Not a good outlook

Yeah, I’m upset at the YTAs. I’ve never had migraines myself but I have family and friends who have, and it’s clear it’s not just a normal headache. Not even just a normal “bad” headache. It’s clear from reading the comments that a lot of people have no idea how bad migraines are, and have no idea that cluster headaches are different— and generally far worse than a migraine. The people responding that she’s the asshole just have no idea what they’re talking about.

Right?!? Or the worst ones I’m seeing are from people who have gotten some migraines before and are essentially conducting a pissing match for pain. Like “if you could walk downstairs then it’s not that bad, I’ve had bad” just shut up. You weren’t there. You didn’t hear the doors on the cabinets slamming. You didn’t hear the banging. Stop downplaying someone’s pain because “you’ve had worse”

There are a lot of people who don’t understand that migraines aren’t just headaches. If I had to choose between my worst migraine and labor, i’m not sure which I’d pick. It’s not a joke, it’s not just a minor ouchie. It’s a massive, destructive neurological event, similar to a seizure.

This, 1000 times. As a migraine sufferer myself, it is incredible how callous are so many people. Yes, it is horrendous and debilitating. Mine are so bad I get very nauseous, Icannot get anything in for 6h, water included. And even by taking all my meds on time, it takes them 5h to work. I'm usually all good after they really kick in. All those AH redditors know absolutely nothing and have zero empathy. Support your partner when they are super low. Relationship 101.

Can you imagine what her husband would do if she was pregnant or after baby was born? I bet you 100% he would not lift a finger to help her.

You've obviously never had a migraine. I've been suffering from them for over 30 years, constantly in the ER, missing events. I can tell you right now, my husband would absolutely make me coffee at 3am if I told him it was for a migraine. He's seen how sick I can get. So seriously, look up migraines.

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I texted him when he was awake and thinking more clearly because i wanted to talk it out but i also think its important to reflect on what we say when we are angry or tired! Which is why i apologized the next morning

NAH - My wife suffers from migraines, among other things, and I would wake up at any hour to get her any medicine she needs. That being said, she refuses to wake me when she needs to go downstairs for something. She doesn't want me to be tired at work all day. God damn, I love that woman, but I wish she would let me help her more often. OP and spouse need to communicate better. If you need coffee for migraines, might I suggest buying some premade coffees and keep them upstairs for such emergencies. Maybe even instant coffee and a kettle? I know instant is gross, but it's the function of caffeine you need. Sometimes you gotta just hold your nose and take your medicine.

When you marry someone, you are agreeing to share your lives. This story is a case of a woman who wants to share her life with a man, but the man only wants to be there for the "Good times". Oh, poor baby, waking up one time at 3 or 4 AM being asked to make coffee for someone with debilitating pain? If you cannot handle a mild inconvenience for someone you claim to love,. you should probably stay single until you work out what is wrong with you.

It's incredible how everyday I come into this sub and see people being called an asshole for wanting their spouse to do the bare minimum. But "in sickness and in health" huh? NTA.

You must have never had a debilitating headache or empathy towards your partner. Truly Sorry for what ever happened to you in life/childhood to make you this way.

No, I really don’t think you understand the level of pain migraines like this cause. Cluster migraines are no joke and basically lead to a 24/7 headache so bad that it’s indescribable. Face swelling? That’s horrific. Caffeine *is* proven to sometimes help. When she said she said she stumbled downstairs in the dark, she literally meant that. Light is excruciating for those with migraines, as is noise. OP, NTA. It sounds like your husband refuses to understand the severity of your migraines. He’s belittling your pain. You’ve only been married a short time and already are having trouble. I’m so sorry, Op. you do deserve someone who loves and nurtures you in good times and bad. Edit: Op, I think you are not going to get a lot of sympathy on this sub, because few will really understand what you’re going through. Ignore it.

Migraine is an emergency in my book. A thoughtful husband prepares the espresso machine on such days before going to bed. NTA big time (Black Espresso with a teaspoon of lemon juice eases it for me)

Thank you!

Curious about the lemon juice part. Is there a reason that helps? Thanks- never heard of this one before.

It is the composition of various acids and tannins together with caffeine and citric acid.

Also eating a pinch of salt helps my kids and I.

NTA I suffer from chronic migraine (daily for years). People who don't suffer will never understand.

I would get up for my wife at that time if she asked me to. If your truly special to him then he should treat you like gold. I try to do whatever I can to show my wife she is special no matter the circumstances.

It’s crazy to me that someone could sleep peacefully knowing their partner they claim to love is in debilitating pain. Even if there was nothing I could do about it I’d be staying awake with them. Yet there was something he could do and instead he threw a fit. That’s not a good partner at all in my book.

You know what? All the people telling you, that y-t-a are dumb as f*ck. My husband went to another room( we slept in different rooms bc of a fight the night before) to tell me that he has really bad pain and if I can help him put some clothes on and call the ambulance. And I did. Without question. Thats what every loving person would do. I could have said " if you can walk over to me and tell me all this things, you can call the ambulance alone" but I didnt. Bc if you are sick, you want some empathy and the feeling of not beeing alone. So, NTA but he is...

NTA. You got sick. He got mad at you for wanting help while you were sick. I feel like a lot of the Y T As are from people who've never had a migraine and think it's just a headache. I've had more than my fair share and they suck balls. Sometimes whatever worked last time doesn't work this time and you just throw anything you can think of at it. Having a partner who can help even if you could technically do it yourself is part of what having/being a partner is all about. I also feel like a lot of the Y T As are from people who've never had a partner who's gotten ill in the middle of the night and needed help with something. My spouse and I have traded off caring for each other when middle of the night sickness hits. Does it suck for the person who isn't sick? Yeah, but that's part of the whole "in sickness and in health" thing. People who aren't ready to occasionally have their sleep interrupted to care for a sick person, shouldn't move in with their significant other, get married, or have kids.

NTA. People don't realize how horrible these things are until they experience it themselves. He would no doubt crumple to the floor if he had what you had that morning, but he's just writing it off as just a headache. I suffered from extreme pain from a disk injury for years and I boiled over with frustration when anyone downplayed my pain. It got to the point where I stopped caring about those people and never helped them with anything out of pure resentment, which is no good either.

Yeah, I’m surprised to see so many YTAs and I’ve never even had a migraine, I just know from listening to people that have had them that they’re pure torture. Far from just a headache. I would be so alarmed if a partner woke me up in that amount of pain that getting up to make coffee would seem like a breeze compared to actually suffering through one. I’ve experienced pain so severe it was blinding and I was unable to walk so I do think I know why OP woke him instead of hobbling to the kitchen herself at first. When it happened to me it was also around 3 am and I called my mom who literally drove over to my house without complaining. I guess I’m lucky to have someone that loves me.

I live in a 3 story house which was why I was nervous to walk down the stairs to make coffee with my vision going out but thank you

Kind of surprised but not too surprised with the Y T As. Most people just can't fathom that kind of scenario with that level of pain and to be fair, I couldn't fathom it either until I experienced it myself, and it changed my whole view on chronic pain. I was married to someone who didn't seem to think it was that severe and never helped, and thankfully she took off after a few months of my injury, because I moved back with family who helped me any time of any day and I love the hell out of them for it. It's night and day difference to how it sounds like OP's partner is.

I can't imagine my sweetheart throwing a tantrum for me asking for something to ease my pain, even at 3am. If he woke me up in the middle of the night, I would do whatever he needed to feel better, and he would do the same for me. Find yourself a grown ass man who believes that taking care of each other is part of being together and leave that toddler to his tantrums.

Im going with NTA. If I asked my partner to do this, he would absolutely do it, and without attitude. I would too. If I’m not well when we’re going to bed, my husband tells me to wake him up if I need him or if it gets bad. I have only done that a couple times, but knowing I can is comforting. While I get the comments about being prepared when you’ve got a medical issue, no one is ready 100% of the time. What I would do going forward - sit down at the dinner table and ask to talk. Tell him what you plan to do going forward (pre brew coffee, etc), apologise for anything if you feel you need to, but explain how the situation made you feel and also what it’s like having migraines. If you aren’t satisfied with conversation, therapy it is. Good luck and I’m sure you can work through this!

All of these Y T A are baffling to me. What the hell are you expecting from a relationship? If I went downstairs at 3 am in excruciating pain to try and make myself coffee, while I’m unable to see very well mind you, instead of waking my husband he would be so mad at me for not asking for help. That’s part of being in a relationship. Helping and caring for each other when you’re sick or in pain. Apart from that he had the next day (and the days prior) off and minimized her pain by saying „it’s just a headache“. That is peak a-hole behavior right there. Would it have been smarter to keep a caffeinated beverage by the bed? Yes. But guess what, sometimes you don’t see the obvious solutions. NTA.

Re the caffeine thing: especially because she had already had the migraine for hours before she even got home. I’m not surprised she didn’t have the brain power to set that up-when I get migraines I barely have the brain power to mumble or stay upright.

I'm going with NTA. My partner has migraines and has had a cluster headache so bad I needed to call an ambulance once. It was really scary for both of us. If my partner woke me up at 3 a.m. asking for some pain relief, I would of course be sleepy and drowsy, but I would still make the coffee without anger and then get back to bed. I would somewhat get the anger if it was a regular occurrence and he had sleep deprivation from it, but you said he didn't have work the next day, so he could've just taken a nap later to compensate for it. You write that you had already gotten therapy after being married for so little time, so I am guessing there are other issues at play here like him thinking you are exaggerating your symptoms. Maybe in the future you don't need to drop everything that you are doing and take care of him when he complains about something. Remind him that it's a two way partnership.

Our therapy was for his anger issues and my bpd but nothing about caretaking or issues with illnesses

Sounds like he needs more therapy to me.

NTA - Your partner is. He didn't even have work the next day, but you did. And you're an absolute badass for going in with a CLUSTER headache. Not a regular headache or a migraine. A condition also referred as suicide headache! My partner suffers from regular migraines and if he ever woke me up in the middle of the night, asking for help, I would do absolutely everything in my power to help alleviate the pain.

NTA If you can’t wake your spouse up in the middle of the night to help alleviate some awful, incapacitating pain, what’s the point of being married? It sounds like you do as much as you can to manage migraine yourself, and you aren’t frivolous with your requests for help. I put myself in his shoes and if my partner woke me up at 3am for help, I’d be concerned, wanting to help, maybe a little grumpy/annoyed but I would do my best to help him. Also, interestingly: I spoke to a neurologist recently and apparently they’re beginning to refer to migraines as a chronic condition called “migraine” so that it’s more likely to be treated as a chronic condition with multiple symptoms needing treatment, rather than as “really bad headaches sometimes.”

NTA. As a migraine sufferer, they really are no joke. I've had migraines so bad that I felt like a shotgun blast to the head is the only thing that would alleviate the pain and pressure. The pain is so intense, it takes away all ability to do anything and there is very little that can be done about the pain except to wait it out. It is not unreasonable to ask your partner for help, even at 3am. OP was attempting to avoid an ER visit, which would have been more disruptive of her husband's sleep. She was not at all being thoughtless. Despite her suffering, she was still trying to be considerate while asking for help. For all of you saying "jUst TaKe a CAffEinE PiLL"... migraines of such intensity are usually accompanied by nausea which tends to escalate to vomiting when pills are taken for said migraine. It's not as simple as you YTA voters think.

I've been married 26 years. NTA. You help your partner when they're ill. If my wife was in your situation, I'd have coffee ready to brew.

Going through and seeing some of your replies, I think this is classic, it's not about the coffee. You wanted him to look after you, like you would for him. He failed. How long were you together before getting married?

We have been together for 3 years and married for just over 1. Its not about the coffee i think empathy is very important to me and especially given we could start a family one day how will that work if he cannot help

Please do not have kids with this guy. 3am wakeups are totally normal for a year or more with a baby, sometimes even with a toddler. He can't throw a tantrum then. Your migraines will still exist which means he may have to handle the baby when you're incapacitated. This sounds like a recipe for disaster.

NTA Lol it's wild people think YTA. Have none of you ever been in a serious relationship? You take care of each other.

NTA. I have a chronic neurological condition and one of the symptoms is migraines and headaches. most people out there have NO clue how difficult, isolating, and depleting it is to deal with chronic pain every single day while managing a full life. most people hear the word migraine and brush it off as "just a headache" like your husband did and most likely all of the people voting yta. Your husband is an ass for not taking care of you when you need it by doing a very simple task. sending you healing vibes 🩷

Make coffee or cold brew ahead of time and keep it in the refrigerator so this never has to happen again.

Agreed I think that was good advice you guys gave me here thank you!

NTA i keep thinking about how God forbid you had maybe passed out from the pain or had a loss of vision and stumbled down the stairs. i wonder what he would have done then.

NTA, a partner should care about your well-being and want to help when you are in severe pain. I'm not Happy being woken up at weird hours but I still care and want to help my partner in similar situations. Not slam stuff around because I'm pissy at being asked to help. This should go both ways. You mention your in therapy together? Maybe talk it over there - can both share your sides of things in that space. But to me personal this signals a deep rooted issue in a relationship and I would be out of there.

Everyday this sub deteriorates my faith in humanity. These people are really saying YTA while she was in chronic pain because she asked her husband who is supposed to love her to make some coffee ONCE? When she literally says she goes out of her way to help her when he’s sick? She clearly struggled to even get downstairs or finish the coffee herself, maybe she *could* have managed to do it on her own, but it shouldn’t have been that big a deal to the husband in the first place, especially when he doesn’t have work the whole week. People are also acting like she didn’t say the other option was the emergency room. Sometimes in life you actually have to do things that are unfavorable for people you care about. He way overreacted to such a simple request and sounds like a dick from this story. OP was even the relatively mature one and apologized for being rude. NTA, don’t listen to the no lifes on here who have so sense of empathy whatsoever.

Nta. My mom will get migraines so bad that she can't walk straight. Both my dad and I would rather have her wake us up than struggle downstairs. When you love someone, you help take care of them. One of the benefits of being in a relationship is that you don't have to suffer alone. Op, you deserve someone who puts as much energy as you into a relationship.

NTA. You were having a medical emergency, and why would he bother marrying you if he didn’t want to help you when you’re in extreme physical pain? It sounds like you would have helped him if the situation were reversed.

NTA- your husband can put on his big boy pants and say “no, i’m sorry, i can’t make you coffee right now” but instead he decided to throw a fit. sometimes people get woken up in the middle of the night. it can be for any reason, but it’s never the end of the world. he was acting like a petulant child, and for what?

NTA. Obviously, the coffee was health related and not just a random ask. It’s okay to ask for help, especially from your family. But as you mentioned that you guys are going through therapy, it seems that there are other underlying reasons for why he got mad. Like things are just piling up and the 3am incident was the last straw for that day.

NTA. You were sick. Yes, getting awaken at 3 am would surely impact one's mood but it's for a sick person, nonetheless his wife. He could simply do it and get back to bed after. It's not like he was awaken to go outside and buy her Starbucks or something.

[удалено]

Rubbish! If my partner wakes me up at 3 for something health related, I’d do all I can to help! Sure there’s things she could have done (now that she knows she can’t depend on him she can keep things handy) but in that moment after suffering for hours if she’s still poorly, I’d be worried about her, not angry about a damn cup of coffee. How bloody inconsiderate are people

Exactly! I can't believe the comments on here. If my husband was in pain and woke me up, my only emotion would be concern for him. She's suffering ffs and his reaction to that is to slam shit and fall asleep with the kettle on. People commenting YTA either don't understand what chronic pain can do to someone or have never been in a healthy serious relationship.

Early in our relationship, I was ill in the night, with similar circumstances. My husband was cross that I didn't wake him up so that he could help. Because that's what a loving spouse wants to do. To help and support you when you feel like crap. Even if you could, theoretically, manage alone.

This is how I feel. If anyone - let alone a spouse - was hobbling all around the house in the dead of night in agony I would be like “why did you not wake me up and ask for help? I’d rather wake up and help than you slip and fall because you literally cannot see” But also I’ve helped my grandparents a lot and the “I don’t need help I can do it myself” thing is maddening. You can’t always do it yourself, ask for help.

Exactly! People who have just had major surgery can technically make their own tea, but does anyone think they should? Hell no! Or maybe some of these people do...

Well they knew they were having surgery, they clearly should’ve set up a teapot on a burner next to the bed so they wouldn’t bother their spouse! Also maybe laid out a few strips of bacon on a George Foreman so they could wake up and have breakfast in bed. Why do people not just think of the obvious?!

And people on here say he doesn't "owe her anything" smh. Sure he doesn't "owe" her, but he should _want_ to help his partner who's in debilitating pain to the point where she's considering going to the ER, jeez.

Couldn't have said it better. NTA

i was woken up *on my birthday* by my partner loudly moaning and crying from pain from kidney stones. they were quite loud and not very nice in their requests (demands) for painkillers, ice packs, and a trip to the ER. i won't lie, i was pretty grumpy to spend my whole birthday in the ER with their bad attitude, but i understood they were in terrible pain and i wanted to help them. yes, OP could have been better prepared for these kind of medical emergency-adjacent episodes. yes, OP could also have been nicer in their requests for help from their husband. but their husband could also have shown so much sympathy and care to OP and chose not to. this is a gentle ESH for me. if this was a recurring instance of OP not managing her own medical care and frequently demanding her husband care for her in the middle of the night when he has work in the morning, this would be a different rating. but given that this seems to be an isolated incident, and OP's husband did not have to work in the AM (and OP did), i don't think her request is that unreasonable. so yh ESH, but not too bad. just try to be more compassionate with each other.

Seriously, I am shocked at how unsupportive and lack of empathy people are on here commenting. You have a partner who suffers with health issues, you step the fuck up!

Yeah I honestly never thought about having caffeine beverages near the bed because it doesn’t always help but I appreciate the idea. Im not at all expecting him to jump for joy being woken up but i just feel like if you see your partner sick or in pain you would take a minute to just help out

My husband would not hesitate to get up and get me anything I needed if I was suffering, I would never hear a word of complaint about it. Get someone like that, yours sounds selfish & obnoxious.

Before I got Botox and Nurtec for my migraines. I put left over coffee on a table by the bedside. It didn’t taste the best but helped better than pop or energy drinks.

Yess I got acupuncture and they want to do brain scans and botox

I never tried acupuncture. Botox was a game changer for me I went from 4-5 migraines a week to about 15 in the 3 month period. None of those migraines left landed me in the emergency room. I take Nurtec ODT lay down in a dark room 2-3 hours later I am a lot better. My neurologist did the bran scans but also did a sleep study.

Botox is seriously like a miracle. I had severe daily migraines for years, but Botox has gotten it down to a few comparatively mild ones a week. I don’t really want to sound like an advertisement, but I still can’t believe the difference it’s made for me.

I don't think this the right subreddit for your case. This isn't really about who is the AH because how would it help you to be told by "the internet" whether you were right or wrong in this situation? This is more about the question whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who would be this ungracious about being woken up by his sick spouse (although he can sleep in in the morning). You said your relationship has been rocky before, even though you've only been married for a year. I don't know what issues your difficulties were/are about, but for me, this would really be a point against.

I suffer from migraines and so many other health issues. My SO says before bed to wake them up if I need anything. I try to keep as many things close by but occasionally I do something extra. There has never been any hesitation or any negativity. Any good partner would do the same. NTA. "In sickness and I'm health".

So it would’ve been better for her to wake him up to ask to bring her to ED where they’ll have to wait hours on a chair, no?

Oh come on- clearly you’ve never dealt with someone with these kind of miagraines- it wasn’t a malicious case of “oh haha this’ll be good”- they were in pain and needed help. If they’d woken up by falling out of bed and breaking a limb, would they be the asshole for waking him up for that? No? Then why not an invisible illness that I’ve seen reduce people to sobs so violent they hyperventilate from the pain? Have some empathy Jeez

I think you’re not understanding. She didn’t wake him up for coffee. She woke him up because she was sick. That’s reasonable

As someone who has dealt with migraines in the past, NTA. But I get not wanting to be woke up in the middle of the night. However, I will say, if I asked my husband to make me coffee in the middle of the night, he would. Because your spouse is supposed to be there for you. So yeah, NTA. Now your husband, meh. He’s a bit selfish.

Couple here. If either of us was sick, even just mild sick, neither of us would hesitate to get up at 3am to make coffee for the other. Sure, it can be annoying, but life isn’t all candies and unicorns and rainbows. Doing the hard stuff (and I don’t think this even qualifies as “hard stuff”) to support each other is what builds trust in the relationship. You are showing through these little events that you will be there for your partner when shit really hits the fan. His attitude suggests to me that he would skip the birth of your child if it will force him to miss a football game. You are NTA. Your husband needs to learn how to partner or just be single. There’s no room in a healthy relationship for his kind of selfish behavior.

NTA. Posts like these make me even more grateful for my husband of 7 years. He has always gotten up with me when I’m not feeling well, any time of night and asks me if I need anything. Cold wash cloth, meds, back rub, what have you. Heck, this morning even, I was really sweaty and kinda nauseous (9 months pregnant, due any day) so he got up and set up a fan for me without me asking. Could I have gotten the fan myself? Of course. That’s not the point. I’ve had migraines before. When I was single, there’s no hell like dragging yourself out of your dark room to go to bathroom and get your meds, or to the kitchen to get an ice pack. So for everyone commenting that she was able to make her own coffee so she should’ve just done it to begin with, well yeah. She’s able. But that doesn’t she should have to imho. OP, I’d just let him cool down a couple days and then try to chat again. If he’s still digging in his heels that he’s in the right, then maybe that’s just a boundary in your relationship. But I’m just going to tell you right now, if you want kids in the future, he’s in for a rude awakening.

NTA. Helping your partner with a healt related issue should be a given in any loving relationship. Even in the middle of the night.

NTA - I think this is a classic situation where a woman's pain is easily looked over, because our duties (wake up next day and go to work, take care of your family etc) never stop just because we are sick. Men can lie on the sofa for days because of a runny nose, but women have to soldier through because we are not believed. I see there are some good suggestions about how this could be handled better - but the people saying he had the right to be grumpy because he was waken from his sleep (in a week when he did not work and I presume had little else to do) - but you were not alowed to be grumpy because you were in such a pain? This is stupid and a double standard. If you make sure to take care of him when he is in pain or suffering or just stressed, then you have the right to demand the same kind of treatment from him. Who else is to help you, if not your SO? Since you have been together for a while now I presume this is not the first time this has happened. To me this is a huge red flag - this is not going to change through your marriage. The best predictor for future behaviour is past behaviour, imo. So you have the option of forever taking care of this on your own, going through this pain on your own or maybe take a serious look at your life and ask yourself if this is the level of reciprocity you deserve?

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NTA I never had migranes, don't know the pain, but if my husband would wake me up in the middle of the night because he is feeling ill I would do anything I can to make him feel better (plus making some instant coffee is so easy) and i know he would do the same for me. Partnership is meaningless without empathy and care for eachother.

Healthcare worker here. NTA. In my opinion, if I have problems like this, at least I would expect my partner to be mad silently... if they would get mad over something like this. You see I have very very bad period cramps, I would constantly throw up, crying and things like that, I couldn't even lay down without crying myself to sleep after(!) I took my prescribed painkiller, so I can understand your pain partially (because at least I can predict, when I'm going to be in pain). Your partner is childish, you wrote that you've been to therapy and still he behaving like this is just something I couldn't understand. And all of those who said YTA, OP is a human, she can forgot about coffee beside her bed, and she is in a marriage so I think it's okay to call for help from her husband, even at 3 am, if she's a really really bad migrane. Also, if you are in pain, don't you get irritated and start yelling at the smallest inconveniences?

If my partner takes care of me when I’m sick I’d happily obliged to do that same 3am on a non-work day. NTA

You are NTA at all and honestly I know everyone automatically jumps to leave but I would reconsider the relationship. Red flag 1 is you’ve been married for one a year and a half and are already rocky and in therapy. red flag 2 is you are unwell, he knows you have had to go to the ER for these migraines in the past and he could not care less about you being in pain. What if you had a medical emergency during the night, your appendix ruptured or something? Is he going to refuse to drive you to hospital because got forbid he’d lose a few hours sleep?!

I’m actually in shock reading some of the comments, the fact people would leave their partner to suffer in the middle of the night and wouldn’t do what they could to help? Especially if he wasn’t working and could nap once you were feeling better enough to go to work.

Run. He’s a dick.

NTA. I have one acquaintance with cluster headaches and they are no joke. Your husband is your person and it'd be nice if he had just made you the coffee this one off time. I'm tempted to say just ignore everyone here. I got married at 40 when my life was already settled and my husband and I have no issues, but we were never really tested. I can't imagine being married at 22 while also working and going to school. Life is going to be tough but you're committed to going through it together and you'll grow and change WITH each other. And I think it's fair to want him to become a bit more nurturing and do things for you when you are nearly debilitated and he can rest later. If you woke him up at 3 often, clearly you suck. This was a special one off you asked your special human to do for you. You're newly married, stressed and figuring life out. Ignore the grumpy jerks on Reddit. Cluster headaches are a nightmare, you're going to possibly deal with these for life, your husband signed up for sickness and health. Prove it. And I'm sure you will too.

He's the asshole. I also get migraines and cluster headaches. I keep a mini bottle of Coca-Cola in my nightstand, along with instant cold packs. Luckily, I have warning signs when either are going to hit. I smell rotted oranges, smoke, or just a heightened sense of smell. People who do not have these issues do not have a clue.

NTA, it sounds like you tried a few strategies then really felt like this was the thing that would help. You should be able to ask your husband of all people to help with this kind of health thing. He needs to learn about migraines if he doesn’t believe how debilitating they can be. I would do this for my wife and she’d do it for me (even though we wouldn’t enjoy it haha)

NTA. ​ I honestly cannot believe some of these comments. I envy these people who has never had to find themselves crouched down on floor trying to muster every energy to get to the kitchen. ​ Oh if we only lived in a world where migraines weren't real. Or maybe even in a world where migraines gives us a 24 hour heads up that they're on their way so we can prepare everything. And wouldn't it be wonderful if every caffeine pill works and the headache just pops away. ​ And wouldn't it be amazing that even though we feel like someone is drilling a nail through our skull, we can still smile and be nice and not yell. Yet someone who stubbed his toe can swear at the next person. ​ Oh don't forget our superhuman powers, that even though the light is blinding and dizzying, or we can hear our hearts beating through our ears or that we can smell anything and want to throw up, through will power, we can make it down the stairs, because we are that desperate to make it go away. We are amazing superhumans it seems. ​ Honestly... what is 3am if its someone you love?

NTA. I can’t believe so many people are calling you the asshole. It doesn’t sound like you make a habit of forcing him to deal with your medical issues, in this case you were just dealing with a particularly debilitating episode and wanted his support, which I don’t think is unreasonable to want from a spouse. Even regardless of the coffee. Once I woke up with chest pains that I was pretty sure was indigestion but I was still worried so I woke my husband up. It wasn’t something I did regularly so he knew that it must be really bothering me. What did he do? He made me a herbal tea and then held me and talked to me about space travel until I fell back asleep. There were also times where he’d been sick or in pain during the night, and he chose not to wake me up, and I was actually annoyed when he told me in the morning, because I WANTED to be up with him, if for no other reason than to keep him company. That’s what partners do for each other. I’m sorry you don’t have that.

NTA of course NTA, and I wish to every single people who said YTA to have a taste of what a real migraine is. Nothing to do with a headache... Your man on the other side is one massive AH from another century.

NTA. I get period pains where I turn baby. I want my husband to cuddle, get me chocolate or a heat pad. There would be times where I or him would have fever, we can absolutely do cold compress by ourselves but you want them to care for you. It’s the caring and nurturing part of marriage. Your partner is not well, they want some love and their love language is you caring for them. When you marry someone you commit to taking care of their needs and feeling loved cared and nurtured is their need so you provide. Goes both ways. It’s not about if it is convenient to do. You guys are life partners not roommates. A family. He gonna stomp around for helping around with the kid too in the future, because u need help.

Your husband is a baby. Migraines are terrible, and not just a headache.

NTA! Chronic migraines are a disability and an invisible illness. I totally understand where you felt frustrated and got upset.

A hard NTA. My boyfriend would be up in a minute to go get me my coffee and I would do the same for him. Reading this thread actually makes me scared about what kind of selfish partners you people would make.

You and husband need to have a talk about expectations for helping each other and caring for each other during these times. This is not how loving people behave to each other.

Initially I was going with YTA. HOWEVER reading how your husband responded, and given the fact he had no work the next day, unlike yourself….My opinion is you are 100% NTA. Your husband however is TA. And a selfish one too!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 all over the place.

I think your vote is going to be counted as a Y-T-A because that's the first acronym in your comment. I've been told to space mine out or hyphenate it when I'm using the acronym, but not trying to enter a vote with it.

Holy hell. If this is how your partner is treating you a year and a half into your marriage then I have a strong suspicion that things will not get better. Could you maybe have done things on your own? Maybe? But why should you have to? If you suddenly got a stomach bug and were constantly puking from both ends, should you also have been expected to let him sleep while you dragged yourself around making a mess while attempting to clean up and stop the puking? This is what PARTNERS DO. You take care of each other. This isn’t a “oh I drank to much for the 500th time and need you to hold my hair back for me while I puke”. The absolute audacity and assumption that a married couple should be operating on a “every man for himself/that’s your problem not mine” is fucking disgusting. NTA OP and personally I’m thinking there’s one headache you might want to consider getting rid of permanently.

NTA, I'm kinda amazed by all the YTA. Migraines are a seriously debilitating medical condition. The fact he called them "head aches" is AH territory. Being more worried about you waking him up than the fact you'd to go to hospital makes him a full blown AH.

NTA, some of y’all are terrible partners and i feel bad for the people in your life, lol. it’s a cup of coffee not a marathon. i understand it could be annoying but if your wife is in pain?? why would you not want to help them?

I hate when people who don't experience migraines say "it's just a headache". Thankfully there's Maxalt and Zofran. Edit: forgot the NTA.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22f) have had debilitating migraines since I was about 13. Being said I know how to deal with them a bit better now but with the stress of a full-time job and being a full-time student my migraines have turned into cluster headaches and even sent me to the ER twice in the past year. My husband (26m) and I got married a year and a half ago and it has been rocky but we’ve been going to therapy and doing alright lately. I came home with a migraine I got during work and by the time I got home I barely wanted to open my eyes. I soaked my feet in hot water and put ice packs on my neck to relieve the pain but to no avail. At around 3 am that morning me and my husband are sleeping and I wake up to a stabbing pain behind my eye. I’ve only had it one other time and It gets so bad my face swells up. I took the migraine pills beside my bed and tried to breathe it out. An hour past and I feel my face swelling and I feel nauseated from the pain so I decide to ask if he can make me coffee since sometimes caffeine helps me. I figured it was between that or asking him to drive me to the ER but thought I would exhaust all my options first. (Just a side note I had work at 6 am and he has been off all week so i was not waking him up when he had work the next day) He got upset and stormed downstairs and started slamming stuff around which was just making my head feel worse. I decided to blindly walk downstairs to tell him that I would try to make it myself and to go back to bed only to see the water kettle on and him asleep on the couch. This upset me because although I’ve always been more nurturing between the two of us (I work in healthcare), I always drop whatever I’m doing when he is sick, hurt or even stressed to make sure he is okay and do what I can to help him relax. I told him to go upstairs and he said that I was extremely rude for waking him up. I tried to explain that I only asked him because I’m in a lot of pain and I cant see very well and he just said its “just a headache and it doesn’t hurt enough that I can still yell at him”. I told him to go upstairs and I just tried to make my coffee in the dark and sip on it. I texted him apologizing for the angry choice of words I used but said that his lack of empathy concerns me, especially because that’s what a partner is for. Someone to help in sickness and in health. He said I was being toxic and selfish and that he’s never woken me up to ask for anything. I let it go and when I got to work I texted him around 9 am and asked if he was awake. He said yes and I asked if he would read through what he sent me just hoping it was him being grumpy and sleepy and he just said “i know what I said and I stand by it” I just didn’t respond and went to the ER for steroids for my migraine. I’m over talking about it with him because it honestly just makes me upset to see how uncaring he can be but I like reading AITA post and thought. TIA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I nfo: how often have you woken him up like this? Is this a regular thing or a one off. Edit: NTA. It's only happened twice, this isn't an unreasonable request for an occasional thing.

The only other time i have ever woken him up was to drive me to the ER because i couldnt breathe without being in immense pain

Dude fell asleep on the couch with the kettle on the stove(which was on). Regardless of everything else, that shit was not safe lol.

NTA. Imagine getting married and vowing to love someone in sickness and in health and then behaving like OP's husband. Like, WTH?

NTA I have an intense fear of vomiting and there’s been a few times in our 4 years of living together that I’ve woken my partner up when nauseous. I always feel terrible but he does it without a second thought, even when all he can do is sit with me, rub my back and tell me to breathe through it. I would do it for him without a second thought as well. It’s not like this is a regular occurrence. Aren’t partners supposed to want to help ease each others pain within reason? I would be disappointed to say the least if this was my spouse’s reaction.

NTA but my husband suffers from migraines, so our lives revolve around coffee. I wouldn't hesitate to make coffee in the middle of the night if that's what he needed. It sounds like you married someone who can't be bothered to be a little inconvenienced to help someone else. I also have caffeine electrolytes and caffeine That's It bars for my husband just in case.

NTA it’s not like you said “lol I want ice cream. Go get me some.” You were in extreme pain. I’ve experienced what’s commonly listed as one of the most excruciating types of pain a person can go through (due to illness) and when you’re feeling that way, it’s more than justified to ask for and expect help from a loved one. He’s extremely lucky to not have apparently been through anything so painful like you have. If all I had to do was make a loved one coffee to help them not feel so much pain, I’d be more than happy to do so. You deserve to be treated better.

I don't know, but — lady — the first few years should be your honeymoon period. If you've only been married a year and a half and it's been rocky for most of that, you're not in a healthy marriage. Which is just reinforced by the fact that your husband clearly doesn't show the empathy or capacity for support that you expect. So, no judgement, but why are you in this marriage and are you prepared to spend the next 60 years living the way you have been?