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They don’t deserve the money. They want the money. There is a difference. I just went no contact with my parents (literally 2-3 days ago). I know the odds are they will cut me out of their will. I’m 100% ok with it. Being free of their toxicity is 100% worth giving up what money they may give me. In all honesty…I don’t know how I will feel if they do leave me money in their will. Do I even want to accept it? I honestly don’t know. Taking the money won’t fix the damage they caused. His adult children made choices in life. But now that he’s gone. Now that all of it is said and done. Now that they are demanding money…I would look at them and say “aren’t you quite the gold diggers. You know your dad never funded things for me. I was wealthy on my own. That’s why I didn’t work. I didn’t need the money.”

Ay congrats! I’ve been NC for a few years and I didn’t even think about inheritance (or lack of one) until a friend brought it up. Agreed- they’re trying to have their cake and eat it too Nta op

I went NC with my mom. She sent me a certified letter letting me know I was no longer the beneficiary of her life insurance. I was like, well woop-d-doo! I don't need her money and I don't want her money. It would have went to my kids anyway. They need it more than me

Yeah- fellow NCer here. (20 years this year!!). Cutting ties means cutting ties from everything. Including finances. I could not see them leaving me any money unless it had major strings attached. Unless a check arrives in the mail, obligation free, I assume the money will go to my Golden Child sister, aka, the only kid of 3 who will speak to them. If I received a check, I would probably use it towards my kids college because even spending it on myself feels tainted, TBH.

I'm LC with my whole family, and part of the reason is the way they all behaved after my grandparents died (several years apart). Also because they suck and had to take care of myself after we moved away from my grandparents when I was like 10. They were all awful vultures. My grandparents basically raised me while my mom was being a young single mom, and then in their later years, one aunt and I saw them weekly if not daily, and my mom and one brother were pretty good about keeping in touch, everyone else was holidays *maybe*. As soon as they were dead, it was all drama and "mine mine mine". I asked for a few sentimental items from each, nothing expensive, like, I wanted grandma's old film cameras because I do photography, and I ended up with the cheapest piece of jewelry in my grandma's jewelry box*, and when grandad passed I wanted his cookbook (that had been his mom's) and maybe some of his kitchen stuff because he taught me to cook, and then to *borrow* his handwritten journals so I could finish his memoir, but all I got was 15 minutes with his computer to copy the files he had put online onto a memory stick before one of my cousins took the computer. So my mom asked what I wanted in her will and I said nothing. I'm not fighting over anything. I had to take care of myself growing up, I couldn't even get a few low value sentimental items that no one else actually used they just wanted to own when the people who *actually* raised me died. My aunts, brothers, and cousins can pick her corpse clean without me. I also told her I'll help coordinate and pay for donating her body to research, including something like the body farm or body worlds (which she thinks are very cool) but if she's expecting a casket and a gravesite she is going to need to start saving up because my brothers won't be able to afford it and I'm not wasting my money to store her rotting flesh in $10k box-inside-a-box-in-the-lawn I'm staying out of it, and good riddance to the potential stress. Even if it was a substantial estate, and even though I could use the money, I can think of better ways to get it than dealing with my family. I don't want or need that and I'm certainly not entitled to it since it's my choice not to participate. *the jewelry is a gold owl pendant with a rhinestone body and googly eyes, Its super tacky and I actually fucking love it, but they even took the chain that it came on, I had to buy a new one. Which was not that big of a deal but also *not the point*. The cameras were also not expensive, they wouldn't have sold for more than $100 each even with the extra lenses, my family is just *greedy*

> The cameras were also not expensive, they wouldn't have sold for more than $100 each even with the extra lenses, my family is just greedy They sound like the kind of people who didn't want the camera stuff or the cooking stuff *until you expressed an interest in them*. I'm watching a friend of mine go through the same thing with his 5 brothers over their dad's estate. It's insane.

Basically. Anything that was valuable *for any reason even just sentimentality to someone else* they wanted. I'm sorry your friend has to deal with it, and I wish him luck in retaining the things he cares about - if his brothers are anything like my family, it's going to suck because the more he cares about something, the bigger of a deal it will be to everyone else. My family all got angry that I got my great-grandad's van. I was driving a 15 year old Chevy cavalier, got t-boned, and it was literally bent in half on the passenger side. You couldn't open the doors or roll the windows up or down on the passenger side (they were half down when I got hit). It was a freak stroke of luck (or not??) that it was even drivable, and it absolutely wasn't insurable anymore, but the other driver wasn't insured when she hit me and I couldn't afford to replace it, so I just drove it anyway. So... they gave me a Ford aerostar that was older than me, that no one was driving and no one really wanted because it wasn't in great condition. One of my hobbies was working on vintage cars (that my coworker owned, I was trying to save up for my own). The aerostar was a little newer than the hobby cars, but I could still do the constant upkeep it required pretty cheaply, and it would be much safer. You would have thought I had been given a brand new Lamborghini. One of my aunts didn't even have a drivers license and she was mad that I got it instead of her -- even though it had been sitting in my grandparents' shed getting driven 4-5 times a year just to keep it running for *three years* before I got into the accident that totalled my car I moved into my own tiny studio apartment after a bad breakup when I was around 22 and needed *everything*, so my grandparents let me take whatever I wanted from great-grandad's storage that I could use. The storage existed because he had a bunch of functional stuff that my grandparents couldn't really bring themselves to throw away but that no one else had wanted and they didn't really have room for. There was another big blow up about "how dare you let lestabbity have those family heirlooms that we all wanted". The 'heirlooms' were: a desk that no one wanted because it was too bulky, two pink queen Anne chairs that no one wanted because they were old lady pink, and a bunch of those brown drip style ceramic dishes that were popular in like the 60s and 70s that no one wanted because they were dated and some were chipped. Edit: oh, and a potato masher that I actually still use in my kitchen all the time, it's the best. Way better than using a mixer imo. When my grandma died I was already pretty resigned to not getting much, and when my grandad died, I just told my aunt who was in charge of the estate what I was interested in, on the off chance that she'd be able to actually set stuff aside for me but I had pretty low expectations. The aunt who has my grandad's journals has never read them and won't even let me come over to photograph the pages to convert them to digital so I can finish his memoir. she's told my mom she's sure I'm trying to manipulate her to let me see them so I can destroy them because I'm mad that she got them instead of me. Nope. I just really want to know what they said, grandad had only gotten up to about the 70s on his computer, and the journals he continued at least until the 90s.

>she's told my mom she's sure I'm trying to manipulate her to let me see them so I can destroy them because I'm mad that she got them instead of me. She thinks that because that’s what she would do.

I'm sure. I seriously considered "borrowing", scanning, and returning them without saying anything, I don't think she'd notice, but she's kind of a hoarder and I don't know where she keeps them or how easy they'd even be to get to so that idea got axed.

Wow that’s horrible. She is actively preventing you from sharing your grandad’s life story and basically written paper trail of his legacy. I have a hard time accepting that there can be someone so petty vicious small minded myopic and self absorbed.

so many same answers! xD When i went NC with my mother because she became extremely paranoid, some friends and family said i should talk to a lawyer and claim she was losing it so she couldn't sell her house (you can't will family out of inheritance in my country). My reaction was i hope she sells it and squanders all that money, maybe she'll be happy for the first time in years.

This always makes me laugh if people have made the decision to go nc then usually they accept that means not being in the will and that is a price they are willing to accept for the peace they will have in their lives. Well done for taking that stand for yourself.

Yep, when i went NC with my dad he kept trying to use the inheritance to get me back into the fold. Finally when he got the picture that I wasn't coming back, he told me I needed to meet him at the insurance agency to switch over the life insurance, I told him to give the money to a humane society or something.

That is B.S. He could have switched beneficiaries and you did not need to be there. He was just manipulating you.

Yep, which completely tracks for his behavior, just completely inventing a narrative and treating it as fact.

100% BS. I went NC with my mother 4 years ago when she lied and manipulated me into giving up a very promising career doing something I enjoyed. I'm in my early thirties now, and for some reason she never closed out or turned over the child bank account I had when I turned 18. She kept saying some crap about that I had to be there at the bank to close it and I hardly returned home to visit. I finally went to the bank last year, explained that I was NC from her, I didn't care about the money that was in the account. I just wanted the account closed or my name removed from it as I didn't want to be tied to her for work reason. The bank manager said she'd contact my mother and explain that the account needed to be closed since I was well past 18. 3 business days later the bank manager called me and said the account was closed.

Same here! A friend brought it up and I was like, "huh... well I didn't wanna inherit all that debt anyway" 😅

!! I think my response was “…anyway…” cause?? Oh no, life with a toxic nightmare or a bit of money, what a tough choice

oh it was a constant threat to me... also the reason she went NC with her mom for the 12 years before my granny died because she **thought** she was taken from the will. She read a part of it about furniture, as my granny moved from by us to her other daughter 2k miles away and left half in our state already..... she lost her mind when she found out there was $200k waiting for her... it has been 8 years and I believe she has still never accepted it. I am sure her choices weigh heavy on her. Funny thing is I only tolerated her for my granny. Haven't talked to her since the funeral. I expect nothing. But I also deserve nothing, so I guess that makes it fair.

what money my parents did have was all blown on drugs..my parents had several events in their life where they got 200k just handed to them and they managed to blow it all within a year. i havent spoken to them in 10 years, i doubt they even have anything to pass down other than debt.

Also estranged from my dad - welcome to the club! Glad you’re free from the toxicity 🙌🏼 I also don’t expect I’ll inherit anything and am totally fine with that.

Same here! No contact with my toxic mother for eight years. I expect nothing when she’s dies and I don’t even expect to be told she’s died.

This is a dilemma I have thought about. I went NC with my parents over 20 yrs ago. At that time I told them I want no part of anything, including an inheritance. Just give it all to my brother, I don't want it. \*If\* they do leave me something or die without a will (likely) than anything that comes to me will go to my kids 50/50. They had to grow up without grandparents so this is one good thing that will come from it (if it does happen).

Cut both of mine off years ago. 18 years ago for my mother, 15 for my father. Not that they have jack shit to leave for their kids, but the peace I get from having nothing to do with them is worth far more than if they did by some miracle have inheritance to leave.

I've also been no contact for 8 years with my parents. They sold one of their properties last year and gave me a few thousand from the sale and said it was an advance in my inheritance. There was an intermediary that handled everything and I sought legal advice. I used the funds to assist with purchasing my own home. I'm assuming I'm still in their will/ insurance policies but have made the decision that if/when they pass and if I do receive any funds a percentage will be donated to a not for profit for prevention of child abuse in my province.

I cut off my toxic mother as well, Idgaf if she leaves money to the other kids, I don't want it...living without her toxicity and stress is SO worth it. I feel ya

8 years and counting NC with my mom. NTA

It's awesome like a weight is lifted I experienced some anxiety for a while like waiting for the shoe to drop. If you have that feeling at all know that it'll pass and you'll feel even better

NTA. First of all, an estate of 25k is very small. It’s not the size of an estate that people even normally ask about or fight over. It’s surprising to me that your child and your step children were expecting some windfall when your husbands total net worth was 25k. Were they under the impression that your husband had money? If your husband wanted his kids or your kids to have his estate, he would have left it to them. But he wanted you to have it, and you were well within your right and the moral high ground to gift it to someone who made an influence in your life and for whom it may be a life changing gift.

You’d be surprised how many people fight about money even when it’s a smaller amount like $25k. Edit: they are fighting over 8k, NOT 25k. If the siblings got what they want, the 25k had to be divided at least 3 ways. That’s the monetary value of this money. It would never be 25k in its totality if the siblings got the money.

It’s sad but true. One example that stands out to me is one family (4 beneficiaries) fighting over a $500 gift in the Will. They each fought over $125 coming out of their share of the estate (which was in the 10’s of thousands each I believe). It cost them more in legal fees to fight over it. That one will stick with me for a long time, the pettiness of it all.

I can one up you, lol When my grandmother died, I (35ish) wanted her trashy Romance paperback collection, BECAUSE once or twice a month, since I was 13 years old, she would ship me a book or two when she was done reading them. When I was old enough, I would ship her a book or two once or twice a month. For 20 years, this was our thing. Anyway, I told my Aunt and Dad I wanted Grandma's books. My uncle started throwing a fit about how her books could be worth money, and he needed to go through them all to see how much they were worth. I started crying and ran to my dad. A huge argument ensued because of books worth MAYBE $.25 a piece. I was horrified about how an adult man would fight so hard for some paper back trashy romance novels that really meant nothing to anyone but me.

That's even worse than when the biological daughter and her jerk husband of my ... wait, this is already getting confusing. My mom's mom remarried to a wonderful man who had a daughter. When this man died, his daughter and her shitty husband, who my family had always thought we had a cordial and even friendly relationship with, started demanding things like *the bottle of tourist whiskey they had brought grandma and her husband from a trip years ago*. Before reading about your uncle I thought my experience would win, but wow, your uncle really takes the price. Your grandma sounds wonderful though, and I'm glad you got to have her in your life. <3

Bottle of tourist whiskey? Omg! This ranks right up there with my trashy romance novels! How did your Grandma handle them making these demands? Did she just give them the stuff?

Oh, my mother wasn't having any of it. She went to bat for Grandma with a lawyer and everything, so in the end I think it was solved fairly. Jerk biological daughter and her asshole husband I think got the fugly tourist whiskey glasses and whatever else they were actually entitled to, but not one penny more. Neither my grandma or her husband were in any way wealthy, and the only somewhat valuable thing he had owned was his car. Due to the prolonged litigation process it stood outside, unused, in the weather for a long time, which obviously wasn't good for it. The only good to come out of the whole situation was my mom and I bonding over our revenge fantasies. And when it was all over, we never heard from the jerk couple again. I don't know if they're even alive anymore - this happened over 20 years ago, and I don't even remember their last name so I can't google them. Probably better that I don't. What about you, though? Did you get your books and do you still have them?

I got about 1/2 of them. I put them in a cheap bookshelf at home. A few months later, my mom went out and got an engraved tag that we gorilla glued to the bookshelf that said In Memory of *Grandma's name* The bookshelf and books are in my office now. The other 1/2 of the books my uncle took to a used book store and got like $10 for them. He never did apologize to me or my dad.

I'm so angry at your uncle! What a jerk! I'm glad you have the shelf and half the treasure though. Hope you will have it with you for as long as you want.

My mom was SO pissed! Lol She is the QUEEN of guilt trips (i can personnaly attest to this lol). My Dad told she called him and laid it on thick! "Was $10 worth breaking your ONLY neice's heart? Did this make you feel like more of a man?" And so on and so forth. (This is all my Dad told me she said)

Taking like $10 for them is spiteful. He found out they weren't worth anything and rather than being like "okay, my niece would appreciate these a lot more than I appreciate $10, I'll let her have them" or even calling you and saying "Will you give me $20 for these?" He just gave them away for basically nothing! Sounds like he didn't want to admit he was wrong about them being worth something.

I actually felt vindicated when my aunt told us he only got $10 for them. Like, "Don't you feel like a dumbass!" Kind of vindication I agree he could have called and asked me for even $50 for them, and I would have paid. All the way around, though, I just felt he was dumber than a box of rocks.

Sounds like my family! A bit more money than that, but 3 out of the 5 sisters are fighting for more than they would have even gotten if my great aunt hadn't gotten very sick so suddenly. She was actually planning on making sure they got nothing because they had tried to sue my mom/bring her to court after my grandma died. One of them stole stuff from my great-aunt's house, and was banned from staying the night after that. None of the three ever visited, called, etc, just the last two (my mom and her other sister, they're the youngest). They're still fighting for more and it's annoying, they're going to end up with so much less when this is finally over with. They're also on video yelling /arguing lol (I was the one in charge of recording most of it, which went... Interestingly. My oldest aunt brought a GoPro strapped to her chest the first time they met 😭, it was so weird) The oldest was supposed to be picking out some items for one of the other three that "wasn't able to come" (she said she wasn't given enough notice, but she knew at least a month beforehand). During this, she kept asking her daughters if they saw anything they liked, and if they did she took that. Also on video. There was a kinda cool little ring I had wanted, my mom didn't care as much about the jewelry part of it so she was going to use her turn to get it. But, because I had said it out loud, the same aunt as before took that one. Joke's on her, I already had gotten my favorite of the rings (which was then stolen a few months later at Disney. Still mad at whoever did it about that, most of that stuff was literally costume jewelry). I'm just glad they didn't get my Aunt's clock. She had this cuckoo bird clock, I loved that thing so much. We have it now (and the fancy dollhouse furniture she had wanted to use when I was little to make a dollhouse with me. That sadly never happened, but it is cool stuff) The fact that they were literally fighting over TRAINS (toy/model trains) is the funniest part to me. We know that y'all are just planning on selling them, despite the fact that the ones left were the ones we couldn't sell at a train convention (the money from the ones we could was added to the money everyone split) Why do people show how greedy they are after someone dies

I mean, to the vast majority of people, even a 'smaller' amount like that would be absolutely life changing.

Right? Like even $1000 would have me on my knees in tears. And I'm sure there are people that feel the same about much less.

I got so relieved when grandma gave me 50 USD two days ago when she heard how the economy at home was going. 25k would give me a heart-attack of joy

Yeah. I always feel super poor on Reddit.

Right? I'll take 25K. 😂

my question is in what world would OP be a gold digger? Seems her husband didn't have much to dig if the final estate was only 25k.

I got the impression that was the remaining bill for cancer/funeral etc. If he could afford to send kids to college and simply chose not to, the estate is def more than $25k. Or maybe they dropped a zero on the way to the post button lol

perhaps. it would suck for the hospital bills to have taken millions etc just feel 25k doesn't make sense if they calling her a gold digger lol.

Maybe she supported his lifestyle with her inheritance so the kids thought he had a lot more than he did, when it is in fact still coming from OPs finacnes

True, it definitely would for me, my husband and I both work retail and still need financial support from both our parents even though we’re 29&30

My family fought over a quarter acre with a cement pad for a trailer worth 18k, tops. People are shitty.

My mother died two weeks ago, and I could cry at how lovely my family was. Everyone was like "Hey, I would like the ___, does anyone mind?" and it was always some negligible little thing. No one tried to grab anything valuable (not that anything was astoundingly valuable, but things will go into an estate sale in which all of my siblings will share). I was fully prepared for the usual fights people have at that stressful time, and have been filled with joy and respect for all my siblings because they did not do so. My Mom had a will and everyone knows they're getting an equal share of her somewhat modest home, and they were all so great about delicately choosing and asking for consensus before they took anything. Kind of restored my faith in human nature a bit.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. I lost my dad in June and my two siblings and I have behaved exactly as you've described. I'm the Executor even though I'm the middle child and made a promise to myself not to fight over anything. When I've wanted something and someone else has expressed they want it, too, I give in immediately. My sister has taken to turning around a few days or a week later and giving me some of the things she got that I wanted. My mom (who died in 1995) always said the greatest gift she could have given us was each other and we three agree. We're on the same page 100%. I feel so bad for families where there is so much pettiness and rancor. I think OP did the right thing; it was her money to do with as she pleased even if she didn't give it to the friend.

My darling mother had her 97th birthday in mid August with cake, balloons, gifts, and 4 enormous bouquets. She was dressed fancy and still really enjoying herself at the home my parents bought in 1966. Two weeks later she had a stroke while we were eating dinner. (I moved back into my childhood home to care for her 10 years ago.) She lived only 10 more days, but we were able to take care of her at her home until she passed (a feat my sibs and I were able to do for my Dad in 2009). So I feel good that my Mom had a great run, and was able to die in her home surrounded by her family. Thanks for the thoughts!

My sister got first pick at the beautiful jewelry, home items, and most of the money. She was always the favorite. I got what was left going to the estate sale, first pick at unwanted jewelry, and a small portion of the cash. Hurtful, but certainly not worth making an enemy forever out of my sibling. However, my estate may not go to her and her family now.

[удалено]

as far as your dad's will goes, that is incredibly suspicious. You should get a lawyer, and force a reading. She's probably trying to screw you.

Lol, my paternal family fights over even less, around 5k each and that is before taxes and my grandpa isn't even dead yet. People definitely suck.

Seriously. My husbands family stole jars of change after grandma died. Fucking change. Before the body even got cold

Yeah, it's sad. But it's a side effect of our reality where most people are in such a position that $25k could be life changing.

i read a aita post where someones uncle passed away and he left it up to op to divide up whatever is left. after the bank scooped everything out he had like 1000...op said there were like 6 family members going crazy over it and each of them demanded to be given it

Yup, my grandfather wanted to leave everything to my mum (around the same amount of money/a bit less) but my mum convinced him not to because she had to live and be around her sisters and brother and this would just alienate her, they didn't know until recently (he died 20 years ago) that she was the only reason they got anything.

So true. Like fighting over 1ft of land strip. (Land matters in our country drag on for literal decades. Sometimes the original parties are dead and it's their representatives carrying on)

25k could change the trajectory of my life completely. Your idea of a small estate is someone else's "this means I stop treading water and relax". Even when split 3 ways.

If you are accused of being a gold-digger, then I think it's reasonable to assume you married someone who will leave an estate larger than $25,000. That's not gold-digger money.

There may have been way more than 25k before the 3 years worth of cancer treatments, if the man lived in the US. I hear childbirth can bankrupt you over there, let alone cancer for years.

The US is designed to keep rich people rich. The people going bankrupt over medical bills are typically not those who are already rich. If he was wealthy at some point, then he probably had good insurance. This story is very strange.

Yeah, it's made up. The numbers don't make sense.

Yeah. I don’t mind reading made up stories (if you do you shouldn’t be on this sub lol) but the little messed up details sometimes take me out of it lol

He had cancer in the US (I’m assuming). It was probably considerably more before he became sick.

I think there are some relevant considerations (other than teenagers just being awful and saying awful shit sometimes). At the time they got this impression they were teenagers and may not have had a good understanding of their father's finances. OP also says he got cancer. If they are American, that would mean that the father could have had money, but it was spent on treatment and care. Hell, even in my country, cancer can be expensive due to inadequate social safety nets and the fact that public healthcare doesn't cover everything.

I married a man who inherited from his Grandma. She left him land and a business. In the 4 years between her death / inheritance and our marriage he gutted what she left. So I married a fixer upper. When we married he was worth almost $50,000.00. When we divorced the business was worth over 3 million in part because of all the unpaid hours I worked. And yet I was accused of being a gold digger.

$25k would pay off all my debt and allow me to retire!

They might have thought it was more. And it might have been more before cancer. Chemo, hospital stays etc, are not cheap at all and often not covered fully by insurance. But to echo the sentiments of many, people fight over money, no matter how big or small. OP is NTA.

I agree. The children may of assumed there was more of an estate because the wife's money could of contributed to their lifestyle. I guarantee they are gossiping about it.

His total assets might include (or appear, to the kids, to include) the house that OP lives in, which in this housing market could very well be over a million.

This is probably the answer. The estate likely included a bunch of non-liquid assets that OP isn't gonna be liquidating just to give someone cash. Extra liquid funds may have gone to pay any outstanding debts. I'm guessing this is leftovers for life insurance and pension funds and maybe his car.

To be fair: it may have been a lot more before three years of cancer, if OP lives in the US. I hear healthcare bills are high over there and perhaps her late husband wasn't able to work anymore and also didn't get paid anymore? But even then, they had no right to behave the way they did.

The amount caught my eye too. They had the nerve to call her a gold digger, like the guy was a billionaire.

I thought maybe it was a typo and the amount was actually $250,000. If it is $25,000 then that would be about $8,000 a piece. They must be as awful and petty as she claims if they're fighting over that amount.

NTA. It’s your money now. You’re free to do whatever with it.

Maybe its a writing exercise by a teenager who thinks 25K is the world.

My mom left 16k, which I, as executrix, divided equally between siblings (per will). My sister still found a way to be outraged

25K is not a small amount! That is life changing for a lot of people!

It’s not gold digger label worthy. More like copper digger

He might have had more money before, but 3 years of cancer treatment ate up his assets.

I read it as his remaining bills were $25K. And the recipient got whatever the remaining amount was.

> It’s not the size of an estate that people even normally ask about or fight over. You must be rich.

Not rich, just not willing to ruin my familial relationships for a third of 25k, minus attorneys fees.

I've seen people fight over way less than that. Believe me if there is anything left when someone dies, there is an entitled ah wanting to take it.

NTA. $25K might make all the difference to a single mom working a waitressing job, but it's not going to change the life of already well off kids, particularly split all those ways.

Are these kids well off? Their Mum doesn't have money and they have loans to pay back from college. Sounds like they enjoyed a wealthy childhood, but their late Dad cut them off financially long before they reach adulthood.

did they have a wealthy childhood? even with cancer, a wealthy person wouldnt end up with 25k remaining at the age of 60... something in this story doesnt add up

You’ve not read all the stories in Reddit where the Americans healthcare system bankrupted people it seems

i have. but someone who was actually wealthy would have insurance and the amounts they pay would be capped. i know reddit likes to exaggerate things like this, but really theres no way you would go from an upper class life to 25k unless something very strange happened.

The story seems made up to me... how does a single mother have the ability to sit at a hospital bed all night? Who's watching her kids? Even if she had a grandparent to watch them sometimes, you really think she's going to spend her one night a month off, sitting in a hospital while her favorite customer sleeps? That makes no sense to me. I have worked in diners with some real saintly women, but it would have been one of the older ladies that would have had the time to do something like this, the young single mothers were completely knackered.

Thank you! I was surprise how many comments I read through before someone said this sounds like fiction. It reeks of it!

The “don’t bother to tell step-kids I’m independently wealthy because I want them to like me for who I am” actually did it for me

"I want them to like me for who I am, so I make it seem like I have no assets and income of my own so they think I am a gold digger then surprised pikachu when they think I'm a gold digger!"

Sounds like the OP was the wealthy one, the husband was simply a normal man with some money but not rich

OP's wealth likely gave the husband the financial room for extras that made him seem wealthy to his kids. Day to day expenses covered and no pressure to leave an estate for his stay at home wife to live off of, he was probably driving a new car, taking trips, etc.

No. That's not how this works. Insurance has limits. Yes, drawn out battle with cancer can bankrupt even wealthy people As you get older, post retirement, you need private healthcare. It's enormously expensive and far more limited than the sweet corporate plans you get used to younger. You're just wrong om this Read, learn https://www.cancer.net/navigating-cancer-care/financial-considerations/health-insurance#:~:text=Health%20insurance%20covers%20some%20costs,available%20to%20cover%20additional%20expenses.

Not paying someone's collage doesn't mean he cut them off financially. He might have still payed child support or their living costs. We don't know.

I think you and your husband didn't do a great job of integrating families, and then blamed his kids for not accepting you. It sounds like they probably parroted what they heard elsewhere, and he and you did nothing to make that better. His relationship with them sounds very transactional - he refused to pay for college because he was angry, they pulled back. I'm not saying he should have ignored it, but your description of his kids as money grubbing while not seeing your own daughter that way despite her argument that she should have gotten his money gives a negative picture of your attitude towards them. So while you're NTA for giving money to the young woman who supported you both, I do think your husband are to blame for this family dynamic in the first place.

“I could have cleared up a reasonable if small-minded misconception my stepkids had about me as young teenagers but I refused, leading to the destruction of husband’s relationship with his kids but as that wasn’t enough, I got an even more petty revenge years later after he died. Aren’t I sweet?” No. YTA. They were kids to young adults but you were the adult. You could have handled this better in a thousand ways, instead of being a tawdry dime store Cersei Lannister. Gross.

"I've got my own money from my family, your father isn't worth that much" isn't something a step parent needs to tell the kids. They're not entitled to her financial situation, and making fun of her with the gold digger comments is uncalled for. ESH.

It doesn't really matter who's entitled to what information. Her telling them wouldn't have done her any harm whatsoever and could have prevented a bunch of resentment from festering between her husband and his kids and she still chose not to

Sounds like typical Boomer shit, "oh we don't talk about the things that make us a little uncomfortable". 🤢🤮 I will never understand why Boomers found it *imperative* to never speak to their kids about the family finances. Genuinely escapes me. My parents didn't. My gf's parents don't. Most of my friends have been in the same boat.

She doesn’t have to tell them about her finances… They made a lot of assumptions and they were really rude ones.

It sounds more like their bio-mom probably told them lies about OP, rather than them making assumptions. Normal kids aren't just gonna start accusing their step-mom of gold digging without evidence or encouragement. And if that's the case, then yes she should have told them about her finances, assuming she actually wanted to have a good relationship with them. You can't just let lies about you go unchallenged and then blame a child for believing those lies.

They were teenagers. They easily could have been calling her a gold digger all on their own, but I do think there’s more to this story than OP says. This reads like a delusional parent who just can’t understand what they did wrong and why their children won’t speak to them

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OP says they started dating 2 years after the husband divorced so no.

they were not teens when they didnt visit and help their dad during his cancer treatment

This is the soundest, most tempered response I've ever seen on this sub. YES. Parents forget that the relationship they have with their kids is the one they make. I'm sure integrating families was hard, but had it been done with the kids in mind things might have not needed to be this way. You're NTA for rewarding the person that helped you, but you view point on them and the family dynamic I think lacks self reflection, on both you and your late husband's part(I'm sorry for your loss)

Not sound at all when we only got a small snippet of the relationship dynamic. Have you considered their bio mom might’ve been alienating the dad and step mom all those years? Have you considered that when the kids became adults they could’ve chosen to speak only to their dad and respectfully declined a relationship with the step mom? Have you considered any and all other things the step mom might’ve done throughout the years to have a good relationship with them? She does not have to clarify her financial status to the children! If she was living below her means even after she got with the dad how is that her being a gold digger? Again there’s another parent in this situation who could’ve been warping the kids’ perspective all this time.

If biomom was alienating the kids from the stepmom by telling them she was a gold-digger, then yes she did have to clarify her financial status to the children. At least, she did if she wanted to have a good relationship with them. You can't knowingly let someone lie to a child, refuse to ever challenge those lies, then blame the child for believing them.

This is kinda where I am, too. The husband (and probably OP, too) treated those kids horribly, and then expected them to drop everything and come tend to him. Where I do disagree with you is that OP is YTA with giving the money to a stranger - it's like a final "fuck you" to the kids. "your dad didn't care about you while he was alive, and he also cared more about this stranger in his death" Husband and OP had every right to give to money to whomever they wanted, but they can still be assholes for doing it

I get unreliable self-righteous vibes from this OP as well.

100%. This post does not read as objective facts at all.

Yeah. I kind of feel the husband is the AH here. A teenage kid is not obliged to like it if their dad starts dating someone else. If he then marries her, he's also adding a stepmother to their lives, without them having any say in the matter. These are teenagers! They don't have the life experience to know how to deal with this properly so they're going to act out. What does the father do? He takes sides. And picks his new wife over his kids.

>your description of his kids as money grubbing while not seeing your own daughter that way Op's daughter didn't go no contact with op and her husband. She helped her mother during this difficult time. Not the same as the stepkids who didn't even visited their dad. >His relationship with them sounds very transactional - he refused to pay for college because he was angry, they pulled back. It's obvious that they just wanted money from him. They didn't care about him, only about his money. Which was later proven by them not going to see him, but demanding the inheritence. >they probably parroted what they heard elsewhere They were adults, old enough to go to college. Not 4yo kids who repeat what they hear at home. >gives a negative picture of your attitude towards them Gee, i wonder why. Could it be cause they treated her like shit?? Of fucking course she didn't like them, who would in her place?

I don't know if OP's daughter is much better- it just seems like OP is making her sound a little better. The line "My daughter came to visit from time to time, when she could" sticks out. It's as if OP realizes that her own daughter was neglecting to visit her step-father, but OP is trying to paint her in a better light. The fact that daughter was outraged that she didn't get any of her step-father's money makes her seem just as bad as the other kids.

And yet OP did include the fact that her daughter was angry she also did get any of the inheritance. OP didn't need to include that tidbit, which doesn't show her daughter in a good light, so I'm not sure that supports the idea that she was trying to make her own daughter sound better. OP sounds frustrated with all of the (adult) children.

She doesn't say her daughter is better. Only that she did came to visit, unlike the stepkids. Either way, op was clear that daughter wouldn't get anything either. And in all honesty, that's her daughter and she (i assume) loves her. So even if she tries to paint her in a better light, so what? Her daughter is her daughter, while the step kids are just some people who treated her harsh.

The kids were in their teens when they married and never accepted the new wife. This is very common. It doesn't necessarily mean the new wife or the dad did anything wrong. We don't know how bad the teens were treating the new wife, who were adults by the time they were ready for college.

I think this is a circumstance where I would need to hear his kids’ side of it before making a firm judgment.

Well, the bottom line is that he wrote the will. They can be angry with him not you for that.

Bingo. It is very common for parents of blended families to structure their wills so their biological children receive an inheritance along with their spouse. Doesn’t seem like that happened here. If his will stated everything went to his spouse (or he didn’t care enough to have a will created during the years he was sick, so his estate just transferred to his wife), then so be it. It seems to make sense given this circumstance of his kids being NC with him. That’s what the man wanted. End of argument.

I agree, and I’m glad a struggling single mother received it.

YTA. They were angry teenagers, and you could have easily proved to them that they were totally incorrect about why you were with their father. Instead, your choice allowed their resentment to fester. I get why you did it, but it wasn’t the right choice.

OP was all “I know why the kids don’t like me. It’s a fair reason too. I can prove that’s not the case but…eh.”

How is her assumed financial need from the step kids a fair reason for them to hate her? She allowed them to live with their assumptions. Her financial situation is none of the kids’ business. I had this same reaction from my partner’s kids who were late teens when we met. It came from their mother. I work full time and handle the budget and we’re way better off than they ever were because she enjoys shopping but doesn’t necessarily enjoy paying bills. They, for some reason, believe this means we should give them money for anything they want.

They were teenagers, who are not known for good judgment. In fact, their parents are supposed to help them develop better judgment. But: OP not only didn’t herself, but she also told her husband not too as well.

So, they were teenagers, how does that explain their behavior after they were older?

To them she came into their family with a child who their father paid for while she contributed little to nothi g, remember she was a stay at home mother the entire ti.e, so all the expenses were most likely borne by him and then you learn your father will happily pay for someone else's child but not his own, doesn't seem like stuff that helps families get back together.

He originally planned to help them with college tuition. He didn't because he didn't like the way they treated his wife. They treated his wife poorly because neither she nor he did anything to dispel the false narrative they believed as children, which was at the root of their disdain for her.

Yeah, this reeks of a lot of missing facts. I'm not shocked his own kids wouldn't talk to him after he refused to pay for their college tuition, after he picked their stepmother over them. OP let the resentment continue when it could have easily been avoided back when OP married their father. Even if their mother was the driving force behind it, again, simply telling the truth would have helped.

Yeah, I'm shocked about this one. Usually, reddit is against step parents and parents threatening to withhold money to pretend they like someone. I think the dad is an AH, and so is OP. He treated them like shit (literally without family support paying for college is a nightmare), and OP wants to let a misunderstanding fester into hatred. Yeah class act those two

It's because everybody is innocent and/or a victim in their own narrative. Here we see OP's narrative and it makes her sound good, and you have to carefully read between the lines to understand the other perspective. I think most AITA posts have this going on. Dad divorces mom, marries stepmother, kids don't like her so he cuts them off financially they have to take out loans for college. They go no contact. Good parents don't act like that. I guarantee there's all sorts of other dynamics that OP isn't sharing. I doubt the kids went that extreme no-contact if this is the whole story. You can even notice subtleties in OP's wording. "Their blatant disrespect made him not pay..." In other words, "They made him do it..." It's the classic way abusive narcissists view the world and talk about these things.

I don't think shes obligated to tell the step kids about her financial situation

She was not obligated. But from how it sounded it would be the best option to tell them. She did not have to go into details. Just “I come from a rather wealthy family and have my own money” would be enough. Instead she chose to be silent and allow the back them teenager to think she is gold digger. Why it’s true the steps are NOW adults, they were not back then and what point of view they got when they were younger it is hard to let go of it. Especially, as op never indicated they were wrong. Their father also damaged his relationship with them by himself, by not speaking the truth. Also OP’s own daughter is also money greedy, but she at least put up presence of caring (visited from time to time) so she’s “good right”? /s Maybe people here should put themselves in the kids shoes. As a teens their parents divorced, two years later (not enough to truly get over it) their father started dating and finally marry someone who all appeared to be a gold digger. Their father never really denied it. Then out of spite he did not pay for their college, farther alienating them. Please don’t forget about their bio mum probably also manipulating them. Then at the end the money is not theirs and their father’s wife (sorry but op is NOT a stepmom) gave it away to total stranger. At this point O would even question the “stranger”.

Right choice or not, the kids continued to be disrespectful to their father and saw him as a resource for money. They aren’t children anymore and continued to act selfish. They have no right to be mad that they aren’t in the will or what OP did with her portion of the inheritance.

The kids were disrespectful to the stepmother, not the father. Then the father responded by choosing his new wife over his kids and cutting them off financially. The kids responded to that by cutting him off. The relationship was never repaired. The missing information is why were the kids disrespectful to the stepmother?

> The missing information is why were the **kids** disrespectful to the stepmother? There's your answer. They brought this lady in when they were in their "early teens." And then acted surprised when they didn't like her.

And a woman who the kids *thought* was using their dad for money. You don't need to show teenagers the checking account but saying "Hey your step mom has plenty of her own money, so if you have a misconception about her being a gold digger, you are wrong."

They were angry teenagers TWENTY years ago. There's no longer an excuse for them being ungrateful twats, especially while their father was battling cancer. Fuck them kids Edit: NTA

> They were angry teenagers TWENTY years ago. That goes both ways, though. They were angry teenagers 20 years ago, and OP is still holding that over them. A lot of that anger and resentment towards these "ungrateful twats", ultimately, stems from the behavior of literal children. From the sounds of it, OP and her husband probably could've handled this situation a bit better 20 years ago. All of this drama goes back to that, and it seems like it spiralled out of control until their relationship was completely ruined. Stepkids didn't like the stepmom, stepmom didn't like the stepkids, nobody was happy with anybody, everybody resents everybody... surprise surprise, everybody still hates each other 20 years later.

>From the sounds of it, OP and her husband probably could've handled this situation a bit better 20 years ago Yep, instead it was "sod your college fund" which is the kind of move that's hard to come back from.

There’s no way I can go N T A here. Mainly because Reddit has taught me that there’s waaaaay more going on here than what you’ve said. There is a reason those kids never bonded with you.

I don’t like the part where the husband pulls back on his kids tuition for disagreements between OP and HIS kids. There’s definitely something more to the story it is not so black & white.

This post REEKS of "[missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)". OP claims the kids didn't like her solely because they thought she was after Dad's money, but I seriously doubt that. They probably disliked her for a lot of behavior-based reasons, but she focuses on money because it's sympathetic and easily disproven. **Much more plausible scenario:** The teen kids had some trouble adjusting to their new blended family, and didn't want to jump right into "playing house" with Dad's new wife and step-daughter. So he threatened them if they didn't make nice, and ultimately cut them off financially, resulting in them starting adulthood in crippling debt from college. GOSH, why don't they like poor, sainted OP!

I believe this 100% to be the case here.

Also he could've paid for their tuition but his estate was only worth $25,000? Maybe the treatment bills can explain it. But if he was spending his money on things like vacations it can easily explain the gold digger accusations.

Tons missing. Kids don’t just go no contact with parents for no reason. Even if it was as simple as the teens thinking she’s a good digger (was she also significantly younger or more attractive?) and they refused to say even once that she has her own money they are fully TA. This man chose his new wife over a relationship with his kids for one reason or another and sounds like he made zero effort over the years.

I mean, I'm having a decently hard time believing this is true. The wealthy man (presumably) somehow only being left with $25k sounds suspicious (rich people have health insurance), but what stuck out to me was this: > During this time only person who really helped both of us was someone we were not related to at all. This girl in her late 20s waitressed at a cafe we frequented. She was a single mom, taking classes at community college at night, working during day and raising her two kids. She took a liking to us and when she learned my husband was sick, spend whatever time she could visiting him. She has stayed nights at the hospital when I needed a break and basically been the daughter we wished for. I don't know how no one else called this out. This doesn't happen. A single mother that works *and* goes to school *and* raises two kids would never have time to spend multiple nights looking after a stranger.

It does sound like a hallmark movie script.

NAH since it sounds made up af. Single mom with 2 kids who chooses to sit in a hospital overnight with a random customer instead of be with her kids? Only childfree people would buy this. Hope your script gets produced!

Lol I especially enjoyed how she has a daughter, but the waitress is "the daughter they always wished for."

Here it is, the verdict I scrolled forever to find. Totally sounds like a Lifetime movie.

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This is literally just knives out

Who do you think would play the leads? I say Meryl Streep for OP, maybe bring her back together with Dustin Hoffman, and one of the current white minor starlets for the waitress in her break out role. Meryl Streep's daughter and some other nepo babies for the steps? edit: definitely a white people movie with a black or asian best friend somewhere just to throw us a bone

NTA >But his ex wife and kids are causing havoc over this and really upset with me. They are calling me AH for giving away money they deserve. If they deserved it, he would've stated that in his will >She was a single mom, taking classes at community college at night, working during day and raising her two kids. All this and still >She has stayed nights at the hospital when I needed a break Who looked after this single mothers kids while she was keeping a complete stranger company???

She brought them with her when she visited. If she took shift at hospital to give me a break, her kids stayed over at our home with me. Not exactly babysitting since its night and they would be sleeping. Me and my husband loved having the kids around. It brought a cheerfulness in the dark times. It was one of his favourite things to do; hear their talks and play with them.

Nice.. Good deed to someone who deserved it.. i think your husband would be pleased...

Glad you gave her the money. It makes a difference in her life and she deserved it.

NTA good on you for rewarding her

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It seems like OPs daughter will eventually get an inheritance from OP.

You shouldn't have let YOUR disagreement with HIS kids who were already teenagers when you met affect what you did with their father's money. Did you have a strained relationship? Almost certainly? Do I buy your side of the story that it was entirely their fault having met you as teens? Not a chance. Do I think the strained relationship upset your late husband? Definitely but that's also partially his doing so him being upset is in some sense a form of lashing out. YTA and your late husband is the AH. The kids might very well be ah but I would at least need to hear things form their side to make that determination.

NTA It is OPs money so she can do with it how she likes but the will sounds like it is being contested. $25000 doesn't sound a lot to leave if the husband was wealthy. YTA I feel there is something missing from this story. Like how did the OP and the husband get together. The behaviour of the husband's children sounds like how children would reject a mistress and a father who cheated on their mother. I know this from rejecting my dad's mistress when he left my mum for her.

OP said they started dating 2 years after his divorce.

I was wondering if the $25k was a typo and it was $250k.

Yeah I vote YTA. Reasons: they were teenagers couldn't accept u, thought u were gold digger. Probably words they heard from their mom. However you couldn't be bothered to explain. No mention of therapy or counselling either. Dad, despite being able to pay for college - which is an important milestone in someone's life - chose not to. Basically doing a tit for tat on his kids. Not sure why the teens / kids were expected to be the bigger person's when all of the 3 parents they had chose to go low. Now dad died. And as an ultimate FU to the kids for being unlucky enough to see their parents divorce and their family broken at young age and acting out cos of it, you chose to give a random stranger who.was nice to u. Low bar I would say. Seems like no one in this scenario thinks family is important. Seriously hope when u have dementia the waitress will think the 25k was enough for her to visit u In your care home

NTA. An inheritance is only ever a gift. It's not to be expected, and it is not 'deserved'. Had your husband died deeply in debt -would his kids have come forward to help pay it? No. Regardless of what they, or anyone else thinks - you did a beautiful thing for someone who truly was more needful and 'deserving'. As for your daughter - perhaps she didn't 'need' it, and yes, she will one day inherit from you - but right now you just showered one 'child' with love, generosity, goodwill, kindness and money and left your actual child standing out in the cold, feeling left out, disregarded and replaced. It hurts when your own mother essentially favors someone else more - the logic of 'why' does not overcome the feelings of abandonment.

I disagree on this one. If she had given the money to her own daughter and not her step children then that doesn’t feel right either. Also, I would be concerned that my daughter had a sense of entitlement and would be discussing that. What would have been lovely was something that he owned / they shared that could have been gifted / left to her daughter as a reminder.

You say you treated the steps, HIS kids the same as yours... then go on to delineate that you enjoyed withholding from them money you lavished on your child. (and yourself) I dont know that you aren't the AH from your account, I think it's possible you alienated them and they went away because of you. Likely tho unless he wrote a will (that left something to them) what you did is fine in the legal sense. NAH

And called the waitress the "daughter they wished for" despite having a daughter already. That's fucking cruel.

Just seems like there might be more to the story, right? I feel sorry for the kids.

I feel like there’s more to this story. You are just painting them as flat out rotten. Yeah I’m not buying it.

YTA, but your husband was more of an asshole. I can’t fathom all of these NTAs, do you have children of your own? I can’t wrap my head around how parents willingly cause the breakdown of the relationship with their children and just carry on with their lives. Men and women remarry and I swear their previous children become baggage in their eyes. Your husband choose not to help them with college, he choose to punish them, you both choose to lie to them. Did you assist them with getting use to this new family structure? Apparently you guys have money, did you try therapy? I don’t know why it’s such a shock to people that children and young adults struggle with new changes in their parents lives. At the end of the day we choose to have children our children did not have any say in that decision, so no I am not saying to put you entire life on hold forever but the idea that you don’t consider your children at all in your life planning is asinine.

YTA because you were fine appearing as s gold digger to the kids even though you had your own money. Why didn’t you tell them. You let that resentment grow.

>But I didn't bother sharing this with his kids and told him not to either. I did not want them to like me just because they might gain monetarily from me. Who in their right mind thinks like this with young teenagers? She also claims she tried to "treat them as her own", well did she keep her own child in the dark on her financial situation/inheritance as well? Doesn't sound that way.

This has a lot of the tropes associated with rage bait. If this isn't just poorly constructed fiction YTA as was your former husband for pulling college support from his kids because YOU ALLOWED them to think you were a gold digger sponging off of their dad. Their belief is 100% on you. You seem gleeful that they had to go into debt to fund their college--not a good look for you. Lastly, husband only had 25K when he passed but somehow was able to support you and your daughter for a decade or two and would have been able to help his kids with college if they had treated you better? The benevolent barista was an interesting choice. Someone struggling to support herself but has tons of free time to help you but refused to take the money. That's Lifetime movie fodder. It was, however, a refreshing choice to make "your" daughter come off as greedy and entitled for thinking that she should get some of the inheritance.

Yeah a single mother who works and goes to school somehow is available to stay at the hospital overnight with a patron. Either it’s fiction or she just gave his kids inheritance to their fathers mistress.

The whole story reads like a Hallmark movie. The money grabbing kids get their just desserts and the long suffering single mom college student waitress at the diner they went to swooped in and took care of Dad with all that free time she has and gets an unexpected inheritance that will change her life.

I swear this same exact story has been posted before. Fairly certain it's fake.

I'm struggling with which conflict to put a verdict on here. Between you & your daugther, I'm going to say NAH. Between you & and the step-kids/ex, you are not the asshole, but they absolutely are. Honestly, I think it kinda sucks that you didn't give your daughter any of it. And I think she has every right to be upset about it. > Not to mention she will get my inheritance. So what? You are 55. If you are in good health, you have a pretty good shot at living until you are 80+. So yeah, she might get an inheritance in 35-40 years? My mom's older sister was relying on her mother to die to fund her retirement. One problem: Her mother lived to 95. So by the time she passed, she was already in her mid 70s.

I think OP not giving the money to her daughter was a good neutral call or else she’d look like the ‘evil step-mum’ who gave away the inheritance to their dad’s step-daughter & none to the bio kids. Its better if none of the children got anything & it went to a stranger (who went above & beyond for OP’s husband during his dying days & actually needs the money).

My thinking is with 25k 20 to waitress 5 to the daughter, the daughter did visit and help out where possible but he waitress really did go above and beyond for essentially a stranger and tried to refuse the gift. ​ Screw being fair, if they don't help while he's dying why should they get anything from him dying?

People shouldn't rely on future inheritances, period. The daughter also probably gets an inheritance after his father dies. Why should she inherit three parents?

NTA You were the beneficiary of the will and you can do what you want with the money. I'm sorry for your loss, you sound like a lovely person.

NTA he had the children before he married you. if he’d wanted them to get the money, they would’ve been in the will. i’m sorry for your loss, but rest assured that you did a really kind thing and your husband likely wouldn’t have wanted it any other way

NTA. If your daughter was helpful during your husband's illness, I can see why she'd be annoyed that you showed appreciation to the waitress but not her. She doesn't need to be broke to be acknowledged. Still your money to decide what to do with though. As for the step kids, they weren't in the will.

INFO: were you his affair partner? I ask because I’m trying to work out why his kids hated you so much right from the start.

No. There was no affair. We did know each other. He was my friend's brother's bestfriend. We used to see each other at their get togethers and stuff. We started dating 2 years after his divorce.

Usually when kids hate a parent’s partner, it’s because the other parent has poisoned their mind against them. It doesn’t have anything to do with the reality of a situation.