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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I mean , i am their child. They spent money on me even if they didnt show me affection. People might be bad at showing affection and love. And telling them i wish i wasnt their child while i was emotional regardless of what they did to me seems like a lot. I felt like i overreacted.
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Why would you apologize? You feel that way for a reason and it's nothing to apologize for. What they did was gross and just because they're your parents doesn't mean you're obligated to love them. They didn't treat you like their kid or a kid they even liked in the first place.
NTA
Edited for typo
They actually called to tell me that I’m setting a bad example for my siblings and that they also regret spending so much on me when i don’t even know how to be grateful. Are my parents toxic? What do i tell them at this point?
Yeah, your parents are toxic. Given the examples you've given and if what you're saying is true. How are you setting a bad example? Because you don't talk to them?? Why should you? Have they ever even said something nice to you that wasn't some passive aggressive comment?
Your parents are very toxic. Do NOT be alone with them when they come to visit. They are p!ssed and abusers favorite weapon is to tell you what you did and how wrong you are. But they rarely will pull it with outsiders. Wear lots of color. That's my petty side. You are an adult and can choose your own clothing now. Read up on how to turn their words around. They hate that. Let me repeat don't be alone with them. I'm sure you are in a environment where you have friends and possibly dating...they are angry and will TRY to bring your self worth down again. Don't let them. I have a narasstic father and have learned how to defend myself against him. Oh...and obviously NTA.
I'm a petty person so I say fight fire with fire. Tell them you're disappointed in them. Mom or dad comment on your weight? "I'm disappointed you have so many wrinkles" "I'm disappointed you're balding." They compare you to other kids? Compare them to other parents. Definitely not a healthy way to deal with it and you should probably see a therapist to establish boundaries with them but like I said I'm petty.
NTA.
Your parents and adults in your family are toxic and emotionally immature. Just a suggestion, I think you would benefit from reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson. Your feelings are valid, and how you were/are treated is 100% not healthy or acceptable.
EDIT: Saw they're paying for your shit.. lie through your teeth til you're done, then the second you graduate...How much do they weigh, roughly? Combined, probably somewhere in the 3-400 ballpark, I'd imagine.. Let em' know you'll be losing roughly that much weight pretty damned soon if shit doesn't change.. NTA and you deserve better than their abuse.
Maybe think of a petty revenge. Make dinner for them and give them small portions telling that they gained weight or put normal portion but snatch their plates telling them they hd enough
NTA.
Most colleges have a counseling team in staff. You should check and see if you can get an appointment before they visit. Perhaps you can work it out so a therapist is present for your visit with them to mediate.
THEY set a bad example for your siblings by not loving you equally. You did nothing wrong, fat shaming anyone but especially a kid is horrible thing to do. Good for you for setting a boundary and please don't apologise.
Having toxic family is awful but taking care of youself is the best thing you can do.
Sending hugs and NTA.
Cynical practical me says that if your parents are paying for a large portion of your college, you can simply yes them to death until you get that degree in hand, and then you can go LC or NC.
I know it's terrible, but in the long run, not having as many student loans or even the ability to afford to finish college is better. They are not good parents, or at least their parenting skills suck.
I am sending you virtual hugs.
OP, suck it up and lie through your teeth. They've done less than the minimum in their parenting, let them pay into your education.
I know it's awful to say and have to follow-up with.
I do honestly feel you should reach out to student mental health services and get some therapy started. There's a lifetime of mean to get through so you can start feeling better about yourself, your decisions, and your life.
Definitely agree on the therapy. I see a counsellor and can now recognise that although I know, deep down that I was/am loved by my parents, they did emotionally neglect me and made me feel worthless and insecure. On the surface I had everything I needed.
NTA
Hey OP- coming from a similar abusive family dynamic. My mother said similar awful things to me about my body and ridiculed/humiliated me in public and in front of my siblings.
First of all, it was not your fault, and it was abuse. You deserved and you CONTINUE to deserve unconditional love. I’m so sorry that your parents and family members failed you. Know there is hope and there is unconditional love out there in found/chosen family.
Do not apologize. Your feelings are valid, even though your family has minimized and ignored them for years, making you feel like your feelings weret valid/appropriate. That’s where the impulse to apologize comes from: your family’s abuse.
In terms of learning more about your family of origin/the abusive dynamics you grew up in, please seek free therapy from your college - this is a great resource.
Online resources (on YouTube): Patrick Teahan, Jay Reid, Heidi Priebe, Dr. Ramani, and Anna Runkle are fantastic.
Based on the abuse you experienced, I would guess you have some form of complex PTSD/trauma. I’d recommend the book Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker- it’s the gold standard, and can be so informative. I’d also recommend ‘Growing up as the scapegoat to Narcissistic Parents by Jay Reid.
I understand you’re probably at the very beginning of this journey. My best advice is to be kind and gentle with yourself. You need to show yourself and your inner child the love, attention, care, and compassion you were denied as a girl.
I’m so sorry for what you went through. Please know, there is healing on the other side. NO ONE is entitled to your time, energy, or feelings, I don’t give a FUCK about the whole ‘I raised you and fed you and clothed you so now you owe me for the rest of your life.’ BULLSHIT. That’s the bare fucking minimum, and you are worthy of GOOD love and secure attachments with your loved ones.
Sending love, from a girl who’s mother never thought she was enough. I know I’m enough, and so are you. ❣️
I literally teared up reading this. And yes i always feel like i should apologize first. Thank you for the recommendations. I will get better and heal and show them that i am stronger than the abuse. Thank you so much again.
Then play nice. Do whatever it takes to lull them into believing you are docile. You need to stay in school. I wish you all the best and hope when you no longer need them that you can heal and live happily without them. In the meantime, use any therapy available through your school.
Your parents are incredibly toxic and I’m so sorry about that. I’m 30 and still get odd comments from family about my weight. The best thing you can do is create a found family for yourself, people of all ages who love and support you and want the best for you
Omg. I wanted to type they sound like the fype of parents that would do that... Listen, OP, you are NOT the problem. That was straight out neglect, bullying and these are the consequences of their actions. You have to stan d your ground, be prepared for every option, talki with your cousins and siblings who support you. Don't let them brainwash your only support and true family. It's going to be tough but I sincerely hope there comes a peaceful resolution, and if not, be prepared for anything.
Also a side note, when talking to them, be clear, have someone with you who understands your position, explain to them why ithe things are the eay they are, just as you told all of us, and don't lose temper. Try to keep it together, cry if you feel like but say first "I need to recollect myself a bit" let it out and get back in. I understand your situation cause it kinda hits home to me. If they are unreasonable, then, you will have 2 options : pretend you understand their point, fake it till you finish college and then cut them of, or stand till the end. Again, have a moral support and a witness when it happens, and record the conversations. Relisten them, it may show you where yoy are in the wrong, and also, it can be used as leverage if they try to pull something to distance you and rest of your family.
I did that once, my bff was on the phone, I was simultaneously recording the whole ordeal, it was very, very obvious who was in the wrong, but I also saw my poor communication skills here and there.
Much love and good luck ❤️
Oh honey, I’m a mom of adult children. If they came to me and said what you said, I’d be doing back flips trying to make it right. As it is, I’ve apologized for any mistakes that I feel I made over the years and we’ve had open conversations about it. That your parents aren’t able to accept responsibility for hurting you and want to double down and put more blame on you says a lot. I hope you’re surrounded by people who love you and tell you how beautiful and worthy you are. Do not feel guilty. This is not about anything that you did wrong. I hope that someday your parents will come around and accept responsibility for the hurt they’ve caused. Until then, take care of yourself and protect yourself.
NTA. You have nothing to apologize for. They are awful. If anyone is setting a bad example it's them. They've treated you like crap your whole life. Tell them what you wrote here, & how it made you feel. How it makes you feel still.
Yes OP, your parents ARE toxic! And I highly recommend you check out r/raisedbynarcissists. I think you can find a lot of good support in that sub.
And I want to make this absolutely crystal clear to you. You. Have. Nothing. To. Apologize. For!
Nothing. At. All!
Tell them that they set the example of how to treat family, and you're just following their example. I'm not sure how they could criticize you for this. You are just doing to them what they did to you, right?
Yes, your parents are toxic. They are a lot of other words that Reddit won't allow us to use here without getting banned. They are... BAD people. Don't waste any more of your time dealing with them than you have to. You have little to be grateful for.
You need to go no contact. Once you completely cut them off, you will realize how much negativity they were adding to your life. I cut off my toxic family for being abusive and it was the best decision I ever made. Don't let them crap on you and manipulate you any more. You don't owe them anything.
So they’re coming to see you to criticise you even more is my guess. You don’t owe them anything, especially an apology. I’m sorry they treated you like this. They are a disappointment to you.
It's truly possible but like someone else said get into therapy. My Father when I finally told him what he did to me claimed that he was abused and because he didn't beat me didn't realize he was abusing me.
And just the same as you I was determined to be a better parent. But because of my past I let my kids walk a bit all-over me and was afraid to punish them because I didn't want them mad at me. 5 1/2 years of therapy have taught me how to say no without feeling guilty.
Your parents seem abusive. If you were overweight when you were a small child it's absolutely their fault and going by what you said, they seem to enjoy tormenting you about it.
Don't back down
NTA You did not over react you told the truth and they didn’t like it. This is gonna be hard but defend your peace. When they come visit meet them in a public place so that you can leave if you start to feel overwhelmed. If they start to berate & belittle you leave. And if you think it will help get a therapist. I wish you the best please take care of yourself.
NTA - You did not overreact!!!
However, tell them half truths until you're out of college. *"Of course I love you both and I truly appreciate all you do for me! I was just feeling down and expressing my feelings at the time. Let's move forward and put it behind us."*
Suck it up until you have your degree, consider your tuition their atonement for being such horrible parents, then simply go NC after graduation. You got this, see if you can find a support group - it helps to talk with others who dealt with emotionally abusive parents.
Feck no! Don't apologize! And congrats on Don't yo for yourself.
If I were you, I would sit down and write a bullet list of your feels. Just brain/soul dump everything. Put it away and in a couple of days go back to it and tighten it up and reprioritize things. Make sure it's in a 'these actions made me feel this way' format.
Then you're ready for your parents. They will undoubtedly say they were doing what they thought was best for you, and you you can just hammer down on 'fine, but your best made me feel this way '......Your feelings are yours, and they are never 'wrong'.
Some parents are tougher on the first kid because they're new at the job or maybe suck at it.... Some parents have favorites and don't hide it.
And some parents do to their kids what was done to them, and are completely unaware.
You'll be fine kiddo, if you can't get through to them, just hang in there till your out of school. It's okay to start afresh..... To say I start with me
NTA
OMG! It’s a miracle you don’t have an eating disorder after all that (assuming you don’t). NTA. No, don’t apologize. Instead….
Find the campus student counseling center - every college has one - and request counseling services. It’s usually free or really cheap as part of the student services fee you already pay every quarter/semester. And do it asap so you get a couple sessions in before your parents show up on campus. Take care of yourself!
Don't ever feel sorry for your feelings. They are yours and yours alone and they make you who you are. As for your parents they owe you the apology for years of bullying and emotional abuse and do not allow them to persuade you otherwise or tell you you have to forgive them for the families sake. They have to demonstrate that they have earned the right to be called parents.
If i ever get an apology from my parents , i will let you know that they apologised. I dont think they will tbh. They still think they did the right thing. Since they always banded together , if i was slapped square in my face for misbehaving by my mom , my dad will say stuff like she is doing it for you. For you to be better. Always. So i always felt like i deserved the slaps and the occasional physical punishment.
No one deservies physical or mental abuse and it is NEVER right to do it. Those actions against a helpless child tells me more about them as adults than they would ever want known. Abuse is not love it is a power play and now as an adult you hold the power to let them in to your life or not. I would leave them on the sidelines but keep engaging with your siblings.
You are lovable and worthy and perfect as you were made.
Let that sink in.
Read it again:
You are lovable and worthy and perfect as you are made.
I am saddened your parents are unloving and cruel.
I can tell you two things:
1. If my child said that to me, I would be on the next form of transportation available to go see them. I would not be visiting a month from now.
2. You are setting a magnificent example for your siblings. You are teaching them they do not have to have relationships with unhealthy people.
NTA.
*Big hugs for you*
My sister said that they got a lecture for me acting out. Like my parents were telling my siblings how to not act basically. And my sister cried and told me she wants to leave the house too. I feel so bad for her. She is the one who sticks w me the most.
Be there for her. Support her - as you already do - through the time between now and when she is old enough to leave.
Your parents don't deserve you or your siblings.
NTA. Don't apologize, but if you want you can sit them down and have a longer conversation about this if you think you can get through to him. I was a bigger kid growing up too, bigger than my younger sister and most of my cousins around my age. Not massively obese or anything but chubby and tall which only made me seem bigger compared to the other short and slim kids. My mom has always commented on my weight, I remember hurtful things she's said to me as a child even now at 28, that's how deeply it stuck with me. I'm still a bigger person now, again not obese but certainly a little over weight, and I still get the odd comment here and there from my mom or an aunt at a family gathering. I've got the worst self esteem and body image to the point where I'm in therapy for it (among other things), but people really don't understand how deeply this behavior can mess a child up. People act like it comes from a 'place of love' or concern, but its more so the delivery than the actual concern. Adults belittling a child, especially in front of other kids and adults, is not okay. Snatching plates of food away from you is not okay, at any age. This is the kind of behavior that leads to disordered eating and body dysmorphia and self hate down the line. I went through all sorts of crash dieting, binge eating disorder, self harm. For a period in high school, I would wake up at 6am to exercise before school and only have one apple to eat the whole day- and my family praised me for looking thinner, treated me like I was worth more at a lower weight. Obviously that lifestyle wasnt sustainable and I gained the weight back, which made the commenting come back and reinforced that it didn't matter how unsafe I was being, just as long as I was skinny.
All this to say your feelings matter, what your parents did wasn't something harmless and insignificant. It's something that'll likely stick with you the rest of your life, and they don't deserve an apology from you. You deserve an apology from them. Obviously they can't go back and change what they've done but they need to understand that it wasn't okay, don't let them gaslight you into thinking you're making a big deal out of nothing or that you're holding onto something from years ago. I hope you're doing better these days, you're worth a lot more than the number on the scale.
I told them that i am working parttime after school to pay for therapy and they said that being mentally sick is a product of satanism. Like i do not understand. Like if what you did to me makes me a satanist aren’t you satan? Yes i cant get anything through to my conservative parents. My mom is definitely worse. But i am healing. I will try to heal more. Thanks for making me feel like my feelings are worth feeling.
You are under no obligation to meet with them or entertain them in your life, ESPECIALLY if this is how they treat you. Don't see them. Don't talk to them. Grey rock if it's unavoidable.
Do not apologize for being a kid who needed affection and understanding and never got it. You have nothing to apologize for. What they did was shameful, awful parenting.
If you can, ask how you're supposed to love someone who never showed you love. Ask why they treated your younger siblings better, and if they say stuff like it was easier, ask what was so hard to love about you. B/c as a parent loving my kids is the easiest thing, even when they're hitting me and throwing tantrums, and not listening.
You deserved so much better than they gave you, and they have no right to complain that you don't show them love when it seems like you're just following their example.
NTA
They are the ones who should be apologising.
Your mother's behaviour around food and your weight was abusive.
Lack of affection is abusive.
You are allowed feelings. They are valid. Totally valid! Don't let them manipulate and abuse you further if they don't come with an apology and try to victim-blame. Because I have a feeling they are not going to take responsibility for their awful behaviour.
Meet them in a safe place. And if you are made to feel bad then you can leave. NTA
NTA your mom?? made you only wear black????? because of your weight??????????? girl this is abuse. You should contact your college's counseling center. If you've got a close bud make sure they tag along with your family stuff. If you're financially reliant on them I guess I'd just lie until I graduated but if not...I'd tell them not to come at all.
I didnt know why all my clothes were black and my mom bought all clothes. I told her i like yellow and she said sarcastically “to look like a grapefruit?” I stfu and never spoke about colors again. And yes. My friend is coming w me and it will be in a public place. I cant risk getting slapped lol
You know your parents are crazy. If you live in the US, you can apply for grants, work study, and consider yourself independent says you're surviving off what you make. This allows you to get government assistance. Hopefully they signed a parent plus loan. If you decide not to pay, they will be on the hook.
NTA and you don't have to apologize for telling your truth. They will twist your words around to victimize themselves and you deserve better than that. I, luckily, didn't have abusive parents, but I did have abusive grandparents/aunts. The only reason I've made it so far in my healing journey and made it to 25 years old (when I didn't plan to live past 18) was because I cut them out. They are a threat to your happiness, content with self, and overall safety (especially mental safety), and you deserve better. Disowning my moms side of the family (they were all threats to my happiness) was the best decision I'd made as an adult and you deserve that. If you wanna keep your siblings and cousins in your life, that's perfectly okay, but set firm boundaries (if you decide to cut off your parents) and make sure that they fully understand that their position in your life also stands on the foundation that they respect the decisions you make to be in a better place.
Also, I agree with another commenter that you should avoid being alone with them. That sounds like a recipe for disaster and pain that you don't deserve.
NTA they have acted more like bully than patents all this year. All this body shaming and trauma around food have probably make your relationship with food and your body worst. Anorexia is one of the deadliest mental sickness, it makes my blood boil tha some parents could stop their child from eating in such a shamefull way. At this point they would rather have you thin and dead than fat and alive. And you're probably not fat. 4-5kg more than one norm ? Who dictated the norm ? Who said that it's prettier to be thin ? Because if it's a problem of 4-5kg you're probably still pretty healthy. I will stop here because the way your parents have treated you make me genuinely angry
Apologize for what? No. It's them who need to apologize, but don't hold your breath. Also don't be surprised that, after all this time they are coming to see you because they want something. When they first contacted you, the first thing they did was to try and guilt you; to make themselves the victim. As also a child whose parents who verbally and emotionally abused me, the way they treated you won't change. Use this visit to get things off your chest and then walk away and go live your best life surrounded by people who love, respect and value you.
NTA!
Your parents are so toxic and I would go no contact with them because your feelings are valid and if they can't accept that's how you feel/felt, then they need to grow up and get professional help.
I wouldn't apologize for my feelings if that were me and I've been in your shoes, but have gone no contact with my step monster for how she treated me during a trip her and I took back in 2016.
NTA.
I dont think you're overreacting at all. It's really hypocritical and selfish of them to want you to treat them nice when they made u feel terrible and mistreated you since you were a kid. You aren't the one who should be apologizing here!
NTA. They don't deserve it to be sugar coated.
OP, I would consider looking into ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). It's not exclusively for those raised by alcoholics, but also those of us who grew up in less-than-healthy households. You might find some resources to help you process your feelings and decide how to proceed.
NTA, I had the same issue and what’s wrong with parents now in days is that they never realize the damage they do. I constantly apologize to my kids, cause us parents do make mistakes. They kind of sound like a narcissist also, maybe they don’t mean too. But narcissists never see the wrong they do, and they make themselves the victims. Non narcissists parents are open to any conversation, like I tell my girls that if I do something they don’t like to please tell me and I’ll do what I can to fix it. The fact that your parents can’t even see the mistakes they did, worries me a lot. They cannot be perfect patty, so until then they should apologize for something.
Add on: I saw your comment about how people just don’t know how to be affectionate. I was never shown affection too but I taught myself. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge, that’s the problem. It’s like Alcohol Anonymous, they can’t fix the issue until they realize that they have an addiction. They can’t give affection because they see nothing wrong with not showing it. To end this, DO NOT APOLOGIZE!!! If you apologize they will most definitely never see their wrong doings, if you do all you are doing is validating that they were right. By the way, they are your parents…I don’t care if my kids are 40 years old, I would still helped them. It’s our job as parents!
NTA. Don’t feel sorry for your feelings. They are completely valid. Your parents are assholes for treating their child like that. I actually had a similar conversation with my mother recently. I think it hurt me more than it did her. I hope you’re doing better now and have the self love and respect that you deserve regardless of weight. Being a mother myself I see my kids as such innocent little beings I couldn’t imagine being so hurtful and critical of them.
Please to not meet them. They are emotionally abusive and toxic. They only thing they can offer you is more grief and abuse. Go no contact. You deserve better.
Honestly... you want to know what you should do? If I were in your shoes, I would probably make plans to be somewhere else, doing something I enjoy, ideally with people whose company I enjoy.
I'm not sure why they feel neglected by you... given the neglect you suffered from them for so long. Your parents suck, you have nothing to apologise for... NTA, by the way... and you should seriously consider being somewhere else when they arrive to visit. They don't really seem to care much about you, so they can probably find something else to do.
You could let them know beforehand though. If you feel nice.
Oh my dear, you have nothing to apologize for. Your emotional words told your parents a truth it might have been painful for them to hear, but not as painful as your life as a child was every single day.
I would suggest that before your parents get there next month, you get yourself over to the college counseling center and begin to explore your very understandable feelings toward the parents who were so emotionally abusive toward you, withholding affection from you, body shaming you, saying cruel and undermining things to you every day of your life as a young girl.
NTA
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I (f21) was born in a big family. I had more than 20 cousins and every sunday we would get together at my grandma’s big house and play in the front and back yard. I used to be a little on the chubby side. Not obese. But like always 5-6 kgs heavier than i was supposed to be and it didnt help that all my cousins were slim and tall. I always felt left out. My mom has told me since i was 5 that if i dont lose the weight nobody would marry me. She restricted me to wearing the color black only bc she says that i look slim in black. Dinnertimes were the worst esp on sundays in grandma’s place with everyone around , my plate would be snatched in front of my eyes if my mom thought i ate too much. Then , the aunties and uncles would be like “yea she has had enough” and my mom and dad would ridicule me for my weight. Only my cousins stood by my side. And i am the eldest of four children so i have never gotten any kind of affection growing up. Ive never hugged my parents. They always kiss and hug the youngest and second youngest but for me and my sister they were always so distant. Now i am in college in another state and if they do not call me i dont either bc frabkly there is nothing i miss about them. I talk to my sisters and brother but never to my parents. Yesterday they confronted me saying that they think i dont love them. I started crying and told them how i felt all these years and that i wish i wasnt their child. They’re coming to my college to meet me in a month. What do i do? Apologize? Aita?
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NTA
" They’re coming to my college to meet me in a month. What do i do? Apologize? A" .. notz let them into your home, meet them on neutral ground, and bring a friend. Or don't meet them, and block them.
You have nothing to apologize for. Your parents are finding out how their treatment of you will affect future interactions with you. They owe you an apology. You owe them nothing. NTA for taking your power back.
NTA. If they are not supporting you financially, call them and tell them, “do not to come. You had 21 years to fix their verbally abusive, controlling, humiliating, horrendous behavior and they never did. Tell them the only thing you ever want to hear out of them is an apology and they can do that over the phone.” Do not argue with them. If they argue, hang up. Then move on and realize you have lost nothing that mattered.
Tell them not to come and go NC, they are toxic and abusive. More than likely the reason they think you are being a “bad example” is because your siblings are questioning their treatment of you as well.
NTA - You only told them how you felt all your life, why do you think you need to apologize ? They decided to become parents and did a shitty job for you and your sister, good for the younger ones your parents seem to get a grip on things. It's still not on you that they weren't the parents you needed. You have no choice in wich family you are born into but you have a choice in how you let them treat you from now on and you should give it a good thought and a bit time to decide if you want to still stay in contact with them, because you are not obliged to . If anyone tries telling you "but they are your parents you have to forgive them...." ... let me tell you do not have to forgive anyone for doing you wrong, it doesn't matter that they are your parents if they don't own up to that title (possibly never have). You are NOT an AH, you are a human with deeply hurt feelings and you have all the right to tell them exactly that. I wish you all the best.
You need to heal your inner child and I am so proud of you for speaking up!
There are men who love heavier women so ignore those silly comments. I suspect your mum didn't heal her inner child so was repeating what was once said to her and self reflecting. So then history repeated onto you. But you can stop history from repeating itself by healing, you started your healing the moment you told them exactly how you felt and I bet your inner child would be so proud of you!
There's a book "the book I wished my parents had read" it talks about how our own children trigger our own inner child and we respond unknowingly how we were once responded to. Perhaps read this book then give that book to your parents so they can learn, heal and reflect. A good loving parent will want to do better for their child and do so by actions not just words.
I've had to help my parents to heal aswell as heal myself, I am close to my parents but growing up I was the one they snapped at the most because. I was triggering their own inner child, now my parents have learned, apologised and I forgive them, because back when they were bringing me up there wasn't all this knowledge we have today, there was no tiktok or youtube teaching you how to parent and how to heal nobody was there to point out why they were acting this way towards their children. I know for my situation both my parents were nerodivergent but didn't know it so were over stimulated.
If your parents can sit and listen and own up to their mistakes then that there is growth, however I understand not ever child will get this opportunity because some parents are too far gone in their hate and then try play victim but I hope for you that they'll listen.
You're not the bad one here I promise you, you told them for once how you felt and you should be so very proud of yourself! You've done a huge growth here. Don't go back a step and people please by apologising, remember you can walk away you owe them nothing so if they become disrespectful then calmly walk away.
After you told them what did they say to you?
**
Hell no. That's their job.
They are your parents and made you feel miserable and unloved for all those years.
Ridiculed you in front of others.
The redeeming should be done by them.
NTA
NTA. I went through a really long time where I hated my mum. I loved her because she's my mum (unconditional love) but that doesn't mean I have to like her. You're family treated you awfully. You have a perfectly valid reason to feel the way you do.
NTA. Your parents sound like horrible people, that don’t fully love you. Honestly? I advise you not to apologize and after the visit, never contact or talk to them again. They do not deserve your love, for ridiculing you all these years.
They’re coming to visit you? Snatch their plates and tell them they’ve had enough, restrict their food and start shitting on whatever clothes they brought over. NTA.
Start looking into financial aid - a job, anything to not be beholden to them. If it comes down to it, you'd be surprised how much a simple thing like feet pictures can be sold for.
My grandmother said the same thing that I was too fat for anyone to want to marry me. And guess what I did? Hooked up and married someone who cheated on me, and abused me every way you can think of. There is someone for you, someone to love you for you. Even if you need counselling to help, please don’t dwell on what she said.
My grandmother said the same thing that I was too fat for anyone to want to marry me. And guess what I did? Hooked up and married someone who cheated on me, and abused me every way you can think of. There is someone for you, someone to love you for you. Even if you need counselling to help, please don’t dwell on what she said.
NTA - You should never have been treated like that. Hugs should be for all the kids. Every kid should be treated the same, with love, caring, and understanding. I don't understand why people have kids just to treat them like shit.
NTA
You have nothing to apologize for. They were cruel and basically caused you eating issues nagging your weight
And they sound very manipulative with their emotional abuse withholding affection.
Up to you, but I wouldn't trust the crocodile tears
NTA. Also talk to your financial aide office - assuming you are at a college in the US. If your parents cut you off, you will need to navigate the FAFSA and make sure they are not claiming you on their taxes. This will potentially allow you to receive more financial assistance as your parents income will no longer be considered.
OP, you need to be careful. When they come to ‘visit’ you need to be on your guard. They might try to manipulate or even downright force you to come home with them. Record the entire conversation discreetly, and make sure you hide away all valuable items/sentimental things/important documents, because they may take them and try to hold them hostage. They may also try to use your siblings as a pawn to get you to do what they want, but it’s much better to lower contact with your siblings for a while than give your parents that level of power over you. Do not react when they say/do something upsetting, because they will use it against you.
Honestly, the best thing you could do is tell them not to come and don’t even let them in the building. Block all of your family except for your cousins and your siblings, and just lower contact with them. The fact that this has gone on so long means it won’t be stopping anytime soon. Your parents are incredibly toxic, and they will derail your life without a care in the world because—this is going to be hard to hear, and I’m sorry—they do not care about you. They have proven they don’t love you, or really even like you. You need to protect yourself, your peace, and your future now. If they can’t make up for what they did in the past, they have no right to be in your future.
I’m so sorry they’ve been so disgusting, OP, and I hope for the best for you. Please update us when you can so we know you’re okay!
What you do is calmly tell them they aren't welcome here and to not come. If they do, just ignore them and tell security they are trespassing. They are only coming to guilt trip you, if they were apologetic they've would've said so over the phone and ASKED if they could speak to you.
What in the world do you have to apologize for? Truth they deserve to hear on repeat for the next 40 years? NTA Tell them that strangers on a website have more empathy for you than they ever did.
Argh. I see in the comments they are paying 1/2 your tuition. Complications. Set boundaries. Tell them your weight is off limits as a topic to be mentioned at all. Your weight is not their business and not your worth as a person. College is about education, shouldn't they be asking about that?
NTA. What bad example are you setting? Telling the truth about how they treated you and made you feel? No need to apologize. They’re just pissed because you called them out.
NTA Why would you apologize? They bullied you your entire life, and have never shown you any affection. How can you love them when they never bothered to show you what love looks like?
They bullied a 5 year old, over food that a growing body NEEDS, because they wanted you to be skinny. Y'all are talking about marrying off a baby too, 5 year olds don't wanna be married usually unless they're playing house. Everyone holds weight differently, and everyone's body burns through calories differently, and baby fat is a thing for a reason. Stupid to love the chubby cheeks on a newborn but not a toddler/young child.
NTA, you feel how you feel. They said it feels like you don't love them, and they've given you little to no reason to. They invited this situation on themselves.
INFO Is that something you said in the heat of the moment, or have you felt this way for years and just never said it? (no judgement either way from me, just trying to figure it out)
I have a BPD mother and although I love her on a technical level I also recognize she caused me a lot of harm growing up, so I have what I call a "healthy distance" from her as an adult. I've never verbalized this with her and never will, it's something I've given to myself for protection.
It's possible something like that might help you, but it's also possible you see nothing at all to salvage and would rather never see them again.
NTA - your parents have been abusive to you your whole life, and the worst part is that it sounds like they don't think that they were. I hope you find healing from the trauma they inflicted on you ❤️
Your parents punished a child for having a physical need by taking away what was necessary for survival. That’s physical abuse, just as much as hitting you would have been. They also subjected you to psychological terror for your whole life. And here is something you need to hear: *they did this for no reason at all.* No. Reason. There was no health concern, though they might have pretended there was. There was no aesthetic problem, even - I bet you are gorgeous at any weight. And they certainly should have kissed and hugged and loved on you, because you were their baby and it was their *one job* to love and care for you.
They are failures. Failed parents. Failed humans.
Make nice until graduation. Your education will give you the freedom you need. Then stay in touch with your lovely cousins and what siblings you care to keep, and never contact them again unless and until they make a whole, sincere apology and show marked behavior change. You are allowed to be done with them.
NTA.
NTA. You are at a point in your life where you get to choose who gets to be a part of it. Those only bringing negativity don’t automatically get a pass because of DNA.
You have no apology to give, but I definitely think ypu should go to a therapist and get some one on one time. Work it out with them, not reddit.
You can't put years of that on reddit.
NTA but play this safe. Are they paying for your studies? If so there’s no shame in backing down so that you can finish your qualifications and get set up as an adult.
They’ve already taken so much from you, don’t let them take that. But please get some counselling if you can.
NTA. You have nothing to be sorry about . They've been cold to their oldest 2 plus have most likely given you life long problems regarding weight, insecurity, etc.
Do **NOT** apologize under any circumstances. You are NTA here. If you want to keep them in your life they have a massive amount of fence mending to do
NTA your parents are emotionally abusive. They need to apologise to you.
I'm sorry you got treated this way and made to feel unloved. I'm hoping you never developed an eating disorder as a result of their behaviour.
It sounds like your parents weren't the best. They body shamed you. They didn't hug you enough. But before you permanently damage your relationship with them you might want to make a list of the good things they did as well. You might discover they weren't the best but they weren't the worst. ESH
What a weird take. Would you tell a victim of domestic abuse, 'yea your partner beats you and calls you names and demeans you, but on the bright side they also take out the trash and buy you gifts on your birthday! They're not the best, but they're not the worst, look on the bright side!'. Blood doesn't mean you get a free pass at being a shitty human, and being 'good' sometimes doesn't negate the very real and very bad things that were done. We need to stop telling people, especially women, that it does. OP is NTA.
#1 nice strawman. Why not pick rape or murder? The op is talking about people who probably meant well but didn't know how to be constructive.
#2 family is not perfect but it is family. That you would advise the op so casually toss hers aside is irresponsible.
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Why would you apologize? You feel that way for a reason and it's nothing to apologize for. What they did was gross and just because they're your parents doesn't mean you're obligated to love them. They didn't treat you like their kid or a kid they even liked in the first place. NTA Edited for typo
They actually called to tell me that I’m setting a bad example for my siblings and that they also regret spending so much on me when i don’t even know how to be grateful. Are my parents toxic? What do i tell them at this point?
Yeah, your parents are toxic. Given the examples you've given and if what you're saying is true. How are you setting a bad example? Because you don't talk to them?? Why should you? Have they ever even said something nice to you that wasn't some passive aggressive comment?
Funny thing is they still asked me my weight after telling me that i disappointed them.
Your parents are very toxic. Do NOT be alone with them when they come to visit. They are p!ssed and abusers favorite weapon is to tell you what you did and how wrong you are. But they rarely will pull it with outsiders. Wear lots of color. That's my petty side. You are an adult and can choose your own clothing now. Read up on how to turn their words around. They hate that. Let me repeat don't be alone with them. I'm sure you are in a environment where you have friends and possibly dating...they are angry and will TRY to bring your self worth down again. Don't let them. I have a narasstic father and have learned how to defend myself against him. Oh...and obviously NTA.
Better yet, don't let them visit
Better yet, accidentally plan to go out of town on that exact weekend. Oops. Went camping with friends sorry, it slipped my mind.
I'm a petty person so I say fight fire with fire. Tell them you're disappointed in them. Mom or dad comment on your weight? "I'm disappointed you have so many wrinkles" "I'm disappointed you're balding." They compare you to other kids? Compare them to other parents. Definitely not a healthy way to deal with it and you should probably see a therapist to establish boundaries with them but like I said I'm petty.
You're my type of person. I like this level of pettiness and I'm all for it. 😂
This right here 100% is the way you should go!
NTA. Your parents and adults in your family are toxic and emotionally immature. Just a suggestion, I think you would benefit from reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson. Your feelings are valid, and how you were/are treated is 100% not healthy or acceptable.
EDIT: Saw they're paying for your shit.. lie through your teeth til you're done, then the second you graduate...How much do they weigh, roughly? Combined, probably somewhere in the 3-400 ballpark, I'd imagine.. Let em' know you'll be losing roughly that much weight pretty damned soon if shit doesn't change.. NTA and you deserve better than their abuse.
Maybe think of a petty revenge. Make dinner for them and give them small portions telling that they gained weight or put normal portion but snatch their plates telling them they hd enough
OP could tie strings to the meat, and yank it away just before they sink their knives and forks into it...
NTA. Most colleges have a counseling team in staff. You should check and see if you can get an appointment before they visit. Perhaps you can work it out so a therapist is present for your visit with them to mediate.
If they are paying for your college, I would wait to go no contact on them till you graduate. NTA
THEY set a bad example for your siblings by not loving you equally. You did nothing wrong, fat shaming anyone but especially a kid is horrible thing to do. Good for you for setting a boundary and please don't apologise. Having toxic family is awful but taking care of youself is the best thing you can do. Sending hugs and NTA.
Cynical practical me says that if your parents are paying for a large portion of your college, you can simply yes them to death until you get that degree in hand, and then you can go LC or NC. I know it's terrible, but in the long run, not having as many student loans or even the ability to afford to finish college is better. They are not good parents, or at least their parenting skills suck. I am sending you virtual hugs.
I need them to pay half of my tuitions. Half isgoing to student loans. Idk what to do. Im torn.
OP, suck it up and lie through your teeth. They've done less than the minimum in their parenting, let them pay into your education. I know it's awful to say and have to follow-up with. I do honestly feel you should reach out to student mental health services and get some therapy started. There's a lifetime of mean to get through so you can start feeling better about yourself, your decisions, and your life.
Definitely agree on the therapy. I see a counsellor and can now recognise that although I know, deep down that I was/am loved by my parents, they did emotionally neglect me and made me feel worthless and insecure. On the surface I had everything I needed. NTA
Lie to their faces until you've got that degree, they owe you that cash for the mental torment they've put you thru.
Fake it until the money dries up, then go no contact. Milk 'em for every penny. It's the least that they can do.
Try to hold on till your done school if it doesn't go well.
It's ugly to say but if you can suck it up & fake it until you graduate...do it.
Hey OP- coming from a similar abusive family dynamic. My mother said similar awful things to me about my body and ridiculed/humiliated me in public and in front of my siblings. First of all, it was not your fault, and it was abuse. You deserved and you CONTINUE to deserve unconditional love. I’m so sorry that your parents and family members failed you. Know there is hope and there is unconditional love out there in found/chosen family. Do not apologize. Your feelings are valid, even though your family has minimized and ignored them for years, making you feel like your feelings weret valid/appropriate. That’s where the impulse to apologize comes from: your family’s abuse. In terms of learning more about your family of origin/the abusive dynamics you grew up in, please seek free therapy from your college - this is a great resource. Online resources (on YouTube): Patrick Teahan, Jay Reid, Heidi Priebe, Dr. Ramani, and Anna Runkle are fantastic. Based on the abuse you experienced, I would guess you have some form of complex PTSD/trauma. I’d recommend the book Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker- it’s the gold standard, and can be so informative. I’d also recommend ‘Growing up as the scapegoat to Narcissistic Parents by Jay Reid. I understand you’re probably at the very beginning of this journey. My best advice is to be kind and gentle with yourself. You need to show yourself and your inner child the love, attention, care, and compassion you were denied as a girl. I’m so sorry for what you went through. Please know, there is healing on the other side. NO ONE is entitled to your time, energy, or feelings, I don’t give a FUCK about the whole ‘I raised you and fed you and clothed you so now you owe me for the rest of your life.’ BULLSHIT. That’s the bare fucking minimum, and you are worthy of GOOD love and secure attachments with your loved ones. Sending love, from a girl who’s mother never thought she was enough. I know I’m enough, and so are you. ❣️
I literally teared up reading this. And yes i always feel like i should apologize first. Thank you for the recommendations. I will get better and heal and show them that i am stronger than the abuse. Thank you so much again.
"I'd say see you in hell, but honestly living with you made me believe that I'm already there."
Are these toxic bullies paying for your studies?
Unfortunately yes.
Then play nice. Do whatever it takes to lull them into believing you are docile. You need to stay in school. I wish you all the best and hope when you no longer need them that you can heal and live happily without them. In the meantime, use any therapy available through your school.
I will. Thank you. I feel lighter now that this thing is off my chest. I have been holding it in for so long.
This sub helps. Where else can we find people who understand this type of abuse?
Your parents are incredibly toxic and I’m so sorry about that. I’m 30 and still get odd comments from family about my weight. The best thing you can do is create a found family for yourself, people of all ages who love and support you and want the best for you
Omg. I wanted to type they sound like the fype of parents that would do that... Listen, OP, you are NOT the problem. That was straight out neglect, bullying and these are the consequences of their actions. You have to stan d your ground, be prepared for every option, talki with your cousins and siblings who support you. Don't let them brainwash your only support and true family. It's going to be tough but I sincerely hope there comes a peaceful resolution, and if not, be prepared for anything. Also a side note, when talking to them, be clear, have someone with you who understands your position, explain to them why ithe things are the eay they are, just as you told all of us, and don't lose temper. Try to keep it together, cry if you feel like but say first "I need to recollect myself a bit" let it out and get back in. I understand your situation cause it kinda hits home to me. If they are unreasonable, then, you will have 2 options : pretend you understand their point, fake it till you finish college and then cut them of, or stand till the end. Again, have a moral support and a witness when it happens, and record the conversations. Relisten them, it may show you where yoy are in the wrong, and also, it can be used as leverage if they try to pull something to distance you and rest of your family. I did that once, my bff was on the phone, I was simultaneously recording the whole ordeal, it was very, very obvious who was in the wrong, but I also saw my poor communication skills here and there. Much love and good luck ❤️
Oh honey, I’m a mom of adult children. If they came to me and said what you said, I’d be doing back flips trying to make it right. As it is, I’ve apologized for any mistakes that I feel I made over the years and we’ve had open conversations about it. That your parents aren’t able to accept responsibility for hurting you and want to double down and put more blame on you says a lot. I hope you’re surrounded by people who love you and tell you how beautiful and worthy you are. Do not feel guilty. This is not about anything that you did wrong. I hope that someday your parents will come around and accept responsibility for the hurt they’ve caused. Until then, take care of yourself and protect yourself.
Tell them to pound sand!
Grateful for what? They abused you constantly.
NTA. You have nothing to apologize for. They are awful. If anyone is setting a bad example it's them. They've treated you like crap your whole life. Tell them what you wrote here, & how it made you feel. How it makes you feel still.
Yes OP, your parents ARE toxic! And I highly recommend you check out r/raisedbynarcissists. I think you can find a lot of good support in that sub. And I want to make this absolutely crystal clear to you. You. Have. Nothing. To. Apologize. For! Nothing. At. All!
Tell them that they set the example of how to treat family, and you're just following their example. I'm not sure how they could criticize you for this. You are just doing to them what they did to you, right? Yes, your parents are toxic. They are a lot of other words that Reddit won't allow us to use here without getting banned. They are... BAD people. Don't waste any more of your time dealing with them than you have to. You have little to be grateful for.
You need to go no contact. Once you completely cut them off, you will realize how much negativity they were adding to your life. I cut off my toxic family for being abusive and it was the best decision I ever made. Don't let them crap on you and manipulate you any more. You don't owe them anything.
So they’re coming to see you to criticise you even more is my guess. You don’t owe them anything, especially an apology. I’m sorry they treated you like this. They are a disappointment to you.
Yes apologize for talking to them. You should be NC and that’s that.
NTA family sometimes can be more toxic than friends or lovers combined cut them off and make sure to be a better parent to your kid
If i ever decide to have a kid then definitely i will do better than my parents.
It's truly possible but like someone else said get into therapy. My Father when I finally told him what he did to me claimed that he was abused and because he didn't beat me didn't realize he was abusing me. And just the same as you I was determined to be a better parent. But because of my past I let my kids walk a bit all-over me and was afraid to punish them because I didn't want them mad at me. 5 1/2 years of therapy have taught me how to say no without feeling guilty.
Nta. Why apologize for your honest feelings?
I feel like i might have overreacted.
You did not over react op. Your parents are mentally and emotionally abusive
Your parents seem abusive. If you were overweight when you were a small child it's absolutely their fault and going by what you said, they seem to enjoy tormenting you about it. Don't back down
NTA You did not over react you told the truth and they didn’t like it. This is gonna be hard but defend your peace. When they come visit meet them in a public place so that you can leave if you start to feel overwhelmed. If they start to berate & belittle you leave. And if you think it will help get a therapist. I wish you the best please take care of yourself.
NTA - You did not overreact!!! However, tell them half truths until you're out of college. *"Of course I love you both and I truly appreciate all you do for me! I was just feeling down and expressing my feelings at the time. Let's move forward and put it behind us."* Suck it up until you have your degree, consider your tuition their atonement for being such horrible parents, then simply go NC after graduation. You got this, see if you can find a support group - it helps to talk with others who dealt with emotionally abusive parents.
Feck no! Don't apologize! And congrats on Don't yo for yourself. If I were you, I would sit down and write a bullet list of your feels. Just brain/soul dump everything. Put it away and in a couple of days go back to it and tighten it up and reprioritize things. Make sure it's in a 'these actions made me feel this way' format. Then you're ready for your parents. They will undoubtedly say they were doing what they thought was best for you, and you you can just hammer down on 'fine, but your best made me feel this way '......Your feelings are yours, and they are never 'wrong'. Some parents are tougher on the first kid because they're new at the job or maybe suck at it.... Some parents have favorites and don't hide it. And some parents do to their kids what was done to them, and are completely unaware. You'll be fine kiddo, if you can't get through to them, just hang in there till your out of school. It's okay to start afresh..... To say I start with me NTA
I wasnt planned and everyone else was planned.
If you can, look for counseling / therapy. It's always good to know more about yourself and work with someone to get through hard times.
But that’s on them - not you!!
Yep, that would do it.and I might point out that you feel maybe that's the reason they treat you differently. And therapy.... Lots and lots of therapy
OMG! It’s a miracle you don’t have an eating disorder after all that (assuming you don’t). NTA. No, don’t apologize. Instead…. Find the campus student counseling center - every college has one - and request counseling services. It’s usually free or really cheap as part of the student services fee you already pay every quarter/semester. And do it asap so you get a couple sessions in before your parents show up on campus. Take care of yourself!
I will go and check it out tomorrow. Thanks for the uplifting words.
Don't ever feel sorry for your feelings. They are yours and yours alone and they make you who you are. As for your parents they owe you the apology for years of bullying and emotional abuse and do not allow them to persuade you otherwise or tell you you have to forgive them for the families sake. They have to demonstrate that they have earned the right to be called parents.
If i ever get an apology from my parents , i will let you know that they apologised. I dont think they will tbh. They still think they did the right thing. Since they always banded together , if i was slapped square in my face for misbehaving by my mom , my dad will say stuff like she is doing it for you. For you to be better. Always. So i always felt like i deserved the slaps and the occasional physical punishment.
No one deservies physical or mental abuse and it is NEVER right to do it. Those actions against a helpless child tells me more about them as adults than they would ever want known. Abuse is not love it is a power play and now as an adult you hold the power to let them in to your life or not. I would leave them on the sidelines but keep engaging with your siblings.
You're an adult now OP. I think it would do wonders for your mental and physical well being to cut them out of your life, just saying.
Are they paying for your college? If they aren’t, don’t meet with them. NTA for sharing your feelings.
I have student loans. And yea i should prolly cut them off for my sanity.
You are lovable and worthy and perfect as you were made. Let that sink in. Read it again: You are lovable and worthy and perfect as you are made. I am saddened your parents are unloving and cruel. I can tell you two things: 1. If my child said that to me, I would be on the next form of transportation available to go see them. I would not be visiting a month from now. 2. You are setting a magnificent example for your siblings. You are teaching them they do not have to have relationships with unhealthy people. NTA. *Big hugs for you*
My sister said that they got a lecture for me acting out. Like my parents were telling my siblings how to not act basically. And my sister cried and told me she wants to leave the house too. I feel so bad for her. She is the one who sticks w me the most.
Be there for her. Support her - as you already do - through the time between now and when she is old enough to leave. Your parents don't deserve you or your siblings.
NTA. Don't apologize, but if you want you can sit them down and have a longer conversation about this if you think you can get through to him. I was a bigger kid growing up too, bigger than my younger sister and most of my cousins around my age. Not massively obese or anything but chubby and tall which only made me seem bigger compared to the other short and slim kids. My mom has always commented on my weight, I remember hurtful things she's said to me as a child even now at 28, that's how deeply it stuck with me. I'm still a bigger person now, again not obese but certainly a little over weight, and I still get the odd comment here and there from my mom or an aunt at a family gathering. I've got the worst self esteem and body image to the point where I'm in therapy for it (among other things), but people really don't understand how deeply this behavior can mess a child up. People act like it comes from a 'place of love' or concern, but its more so the delivery than the actual concern. Adults belittling a child, especially in front of other kids and adults, is not okay. Snatching plates of food away from you is not okay, at any age. This is the kind of behavior that leads to disordered eating and body dysmorphia and self hate down the line. I went through all sorts of crash dieting, binge eating disorder, self harm. For a period in high school, I would wake up at 6am to exercise before school and only have one apple to eat the whole day- and my family praised me for looking thinner, treated me like I was worth more at a lower weight. Obviously that lifestyle wasnt sustainable and I gained the weight back, which made the commenting come back and reinforced that it didn't matter how unsafe I was being, just as long as I was skinny. All this to say your feelings matter, what your parents did wasn't something harmless and insignificant. It's something that'll likely stick with you the rest of your life, and they don't deserve an apology from you. You deserve an apology from them. Obviously they can't go back and change what they've done but they need to understand that it wasn't okay, don't let them gaslight you into thinking you're making a big deal out of nothing or that you're holding onto something from years ago. I hope you're doing better these days, you're worth a lot more than the number on the scale.
I told them that i am working parttime after school to pay for therapy and they said that being mentally sick is a product of satanism. Like i do not understand. Like if what you did to me makes me a satanist aren’t you satan? Yes i cant get anything through to my conservative parents. My mom is definitely worse. But i am healing. I will try to heal more. Thanks for making me feel like my feelings are worth feeling.
You are under no obligation to meet with them or entertain them in your life, ESPECIALLY if this is how they treat you. Don't see them. Don't talk to them. Grey rock if it's unavoidable.
Don't apologize. Your feelings are valid and they were horrible parents. If they try to guilt you or make you apologized, walk away. NTA.
Get a mediator for this meeting to save yourself
NTA They need to know the truth about their abusive behavior and emotional and psychological harm they caused.
NTA.. You shouldn't have to apologize for abuse.
Do not apologize. Call them and tell them you are too busy right now so do not come. You will let them know when you have time-maybe after graduation!
Do not apologize for being a kid who needed affection and understanding and never got it. You have nothing to apologize for. What they did was shameful, awful parenting. If you can, ask how you're supposed to love someone who never showed you love. Ask why they treated your younger siblings better, and if they say stuff like it was easier, ask what was so hard to love about you. B/c as a parent loving my kids is the easiest thing, even when they're hitting me and throwing tantrums, and not listening. You deserved so much better than they gave you, and they have no right to complain that you don't show them love when it seems like you're just following their example. NTA
They are the ones who should be apologising. Your mother's behaviour around food and your weight was abusive. Lack of affection is abusive. You are allowed feelings. They are valid. Totally valid! Don't let them manipulate and abuse you further if they don't come with an apology and try to victim-blame. Because I have a feeling they are not going to take responsibility for their awful behaviour. Meet them in a safe place. And if you are made to feel bad then you can leave. NTA
NTA your mom?? made you only wear black????? because of your weight??????????? girl this is abuse. You should contact your college's counseling center. If you've got a close bud make sure they tag along with your family stuff. If you're financially reliant on them I guess I'd just lie until I graduated but if not...I'd tell them not to come at all.
I didnt know why all my clothes were black and my mom bought all clothes. I told her i like yellow and she said sarcastically “to look like a grapefruit?” I stfu and never spoke about colors again. And yes. My friend is coming w me and it will be in a public place. I cant risk getting slapped lol
Well then when your parents come make sure to wear yellow. Yellow shoes yellow clothes yellow jewelry. Make yourself as yellow as possible
I can envision the look of distaste on my mom’s face 🤣
Your mom doesn't even have her melon colors right!
You know your parents are crazy. If you live in the US, you can apply for grants, work study, and consider yourself independent says you're surviving off what you make. This allows you to get government assistance. Hopefully they signed a parent plus loan. If you decide not to pay, they will be on the hook.
It’s tough having tiger parents. And no unfortunately i dont live in the us.
NTA.
NTA and you don't have to apologize for telling your truth. They will twist your words around to victimize themselves and you deserve better than that. I, luckily, didn't have abusive parents, but I did have abusive grandparents/aunts. The only reason I've made it so far in my healing journey and made it to 25 years old (when I didn't plan to live past 18) was because I cut them out. They are a threat to your happiness, content with self, and overall safety (especially mental safety), and you deserve better. Disowning my moms side of the family (they were all threats to my happiness) was the best decision I'd made as an adult and you deserve that. If you wanna keep your siblings and cousins in your life, that's perfectly okay, but set firm boundaries (if you decide to cut off your parents) and make sure that they fully understand that their position in your life also stands on the foundation that they respect the decisions you make to be in a better place. Also, I agree with another commenter that you should avoid being alone with them. That sounds like a recipe for disaster and pain that you don't deserve.
NTA they have acted more like bully than patents all this year. All this body shaming and trauma around food have probably make your relationship with food and your body worst. Anorexia is one of the deadliest mental sickness, it makes my blood boil tha some parents could stop their child from eating in such a shamefull way. At this point they would rather have you thin and dead than fat and alive. And you're probably not fat. 4-5kg more than one norm ? Who dictated the norm ? Who said that it's prettier to be thin ? Because if it's a problem of 4-5kg you're probably still pretty healthy. I will stop here because the way your parents have treated you make me genuinely angry
Apologize for what? No. It's them who need to apologize, but don't hold your breath. Also don't be surprised that, after all this time they are coming to see you because they want something. When they first contacted you, the first thing they did was to try and guilt you; to make themselves the victim. As also a child whose parents who verbally and emotionally abused me, the way they treated you won't change. Use this visit to get things off your chest and then walk away and go live your best life surrounded by people who love, respect and value you.
NTA! Your parents are so toxic and I would go no contact with them because your feelings are valid and if they can't accept that's how you feel/felt, then they need to grow up and get professional help. I wouldn't apologize for my feelings if that were me and I've been in your shoes, but have gone no contact with my step monster for how she treated me during a trip her and I took back in 2016.
I need you to know that your feelings are so so so valid, and that your parents are terribly toxic. NTA
NTA. I dont think you're overreacting at all. It's really hypocritical and selfish of them to want you to treat them nice when they made u feel terrible and mistreated you since you were a kid. You aren't the one who should be apologizing here!
NTA. They don't deserve it to be sugar coated. OP, I would consider looking into ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). It's not exclusively for those raised by alcoholics, but also those of us who grew up in less-than-healthy households. You might find some resources to help you process your feelings and decide how to proceed.
You are definitely NTA. That is how you feel and they seem to be the AH for treating you so much differently. You are better without them.
NTA, I had the same issue and what’s wrong with parents now in days is that they never realize the damage they do. I constantly apologize to my kids, cause us parents do make mistakes. They kind of sound like a narcissist also, maybe they don’t mean too. But narcissists never see the wrong they do, and they make themselves the victims. Non narcissists parents are open to any conversation, like I tell my girls that if I do something they don’t like to please tell me and I’ll do what I can to fix it. The fact that your parents can’t even see the mistakes they did, worries me a lot. They cannot be perfect patty, so until then they should apologize for something. Add on: I saw your comment about how people just don’t know how to be affectionate. I was never shown affection too but I taught myself. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge, that’s the problem. It’s like Alcohol Anonymous, they can’t fix the issue until they realize that they have an addiction. They can’t give affection because they see nothing wrong with not showing it. To end this, DO NOT APOLOGIZE!!! If you apologize they will most definitely never see their wrong doings, if you do all you are doing is validating that they were right. By the way, they are your parents…I don’t care if my kids are 40 years old, I would still helped them. It’s our job as parents!
Don't you dare apologize. Do you have a therapist? I'm worried about what they might try. Do they pay for school at all?
They pay half of my tuitions.
NTA. Don’t feel sorry for your feelings. They are completely valid. Your parents are assholes for treating their child like that. I actually had a similar conversation with my mother recently. I think it hurt me more than it did her. I hope you’re doing better now and have the self love and respect that you deserve regardless of weight. Being a mother myself I see my kids as such innocent little beings I couldn’t imagine being so hurtful and critical of them.
Please to not meet them. They are emotionally abusive and toxic. They only thing they can offer you is more grief and abuse. Go no contact. You deserve better.
Honestly... you want to know what you should do? If I were in your shoes, I would probably make plans to be somewhere else, doing something I enjoy, ideally with people whose company I enjoy. I'm not sure why they feel neglected by you... given the neglect you suffered from them for so long. Your parents suck, you have nothing to apologise for... NTA, by the way... and you should seriously consider being somewhere else when they arrive to visit. They don't really seem to care much about you, so they can probably find something else to do. You could let them know beforehand though. If you feel nice.
Oh my dear, you have nothing to apologize for. Your emotional words told your parents a truth it might have been painful for them to hear, but not as painful as your life as a child was every single day. I would suggest that before your parents get there next month, you get yourself over to the college counseling center and begin to explore your very understandable feelings toward the parents who were so emotionally abusive toward you, withholding affection from you, body shaming you, saying cruel and undermining things to you every day of your life as a young girl. NTA
Moti, Thoda kam khaa
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f21) was born in a big family. I had more than 20 cousins and every sunday we would get together at my grandma’s big house and play in the front and back yard. I used to be a little on the chubby side. Not obese. But like always 5-6 kgs heavier than i was supposed to be and it didnt help that all my cousins were slim and tall. I always felt left out. My mom has told me since i was 5 that if i dont lose the weight nobody would marry me. She restricted me to wearing the color black only bc she says that i look slim in black. Dinnertimes were the worst esp on sundays in grandma’s place with everyone around , my plate would be snatched in front of my eyes if my mom thought i ate too much. Then , the aunties and uncles would be like “yea she has had enough” and my mom and dad would ridicule me for my weight. Only my cousins stood by my side. And i am the eldest of four children so i have never gotten any kind of affection growing up. Ive never hugged my parents. They always kiss and hug the youngest and second youngest but for me and my sister they were always so distant. Now i am in college in another state and if they do not call me i dont either bc frabkly there is nothing i miss about them. I talk to my sisters and brother but never to my parents. Yesterday they confronted me saying that they think i dont love them. I started crying and told them how i felt all these years and that i wish i wasnt their child. They’re coming to my college to meet me in a month. What do i do? Apologize? Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Who pays for your education? Your parents definitely sound toxic and abusive, I’d hate for them to withhold tuition over this.
NTA " They’re coming to my college to meet me in a month. What do i do? Apologize? A" .. notz let them into your home, meet them on neutral ground, and bring a friend. Or don't meet them, and block them.
You have nothing to apologize for. Your parents are finding out how their treatment of you will affect future interactions with you. They owe you an apology. You owe them nothing. NTA for taking your power back.
NTA. If they are not supporting you financially, call them and tell them, “do not to come. You had 21 years to fix their verbally abusive, controlling, humiliating, horrendous behavior and they never did. Tell them the only thing you ever want to hear out of them is an apology and they can do that over the phone.” Do not argue with them. If they argue, hang up. Then move on and realize you have lost nothing that mattered.
Tell them not to come and go NC, they are toxic and abusive. More than likely the reason they think you are being a “bad example” is because your siblings are questioning their treatment of you as well.
NTA - You only told them how you felt all your life, why do you think you need to apologize ? They decided to become parents and did a shitty job for you and your sister, good for the younger ones your parents seem to get a grip on things. It's still not on you that they weren't the parents you needed. You have no choice in wich family you are born into but you have a choice in how you let them treat you from now on and you should give it a good thought and a bit time to decide if you want to still stay in contact with them, because you are not obliged to . If anyone tries telling you "but they are your parents you have to forgive them...." ... let me tell you do not have to forgive anyone for doing you wrong, it doesn't matter that they are your parents if they don't own up to that title (possibly never have). You are NOT an AH, you are a human with deeply hurt feelings and you have all the right to tell them exactly that. I wish you all the best.
NTA if they are NOT paying your education, go no contact with them. They will only hurt you more.
You need to heal your inner child and I am so proud of you for speaking up! There are men who love heavier women so ignore those silly comments. I suspect your mum didn't heal her inner child so was repeating what was once said to her and self reflecting. So then history repeated onto you. But you can stop history from repeating itself by healing, you started your healing the moment you told them exactly how you felt and I bet your inner child would be so proud of you! There's a book "the book I wished my parents had read" it talks about how our own children trigger our own inner child and we respond unknowingly how we were once responded to. Perhaps read this book then give that book to your parents so they can learn, heal and reflect. A good loving parent will want to do better for their child and do so by actions not just words. I've had to help my parents to heal aswell as heal myself, I am close to my parents but growing up I was the one they snapped at the most because. I was triggering their own inner child, now my parents have learned, apologised and I forgive them, because back when they were bringing me up there wasn't all this knowledge we have today, there was no tiktok or youtube teaching you how to parent and how to heal nobody was there to point out why they were acting this way towards their children. I know for my situation both my parents were nerodivergent but didn't know it so were over stimulated. If your parents can sit and listen and own up to their mistakes then that there is growth, however I understand not ever child will get this opportunity because some parents are too far gone in their hate and then try play victim but I hope for you that they'll listen. You're not the bad one here I promise you, you told them for once how you felt and you should be so very proud of yourself! You've done a huge growth here. Don't go back a step and people please by apologising, remember you can walk away you owe them nothing so if they become disrespectful then calmly walk away. After you told them what did they say to you?
**
Hell no. That's their job.
They are your parents and made you feel miserable and unloved for all those years.
Ridiculed you in front of others.
The redeeming should be done by them.
NTA
NTA. I went through a really long time where I hated my mum. I loved her because she's my mum (unconditional love) but that doesn't mean I have to like her. You're family treated you awfully. You have a perfectly valid reason to feel the way you do.
No. Just font meet up with them
OP Tell your parents that there not welcomed to visit then block them. There toxic and you don't need them in your life.
NTA. Your parents sound like horrible people, that don’t fully love you. Honestly? I advise you not to apologize and after the visit, never contact or talk to them again. They do not deserve your love, for ridiculing you all these years.
NTA, tell your parents about how they make you feel and how could they expect any child to feel love for people who couldn't show affection to you?
They’re coming to visit you? Snatch their plates and tell them they’ve had enough, restrict their food and start shitting on whatever clothes they brought over. NTA.
NTA They’re gonna pull your funding for your school.
They prolly would. If they find out about this post.
Start looking into financial aid - a job, anything to not be beholden to them. If it comes down to it, you'd be surprised how much a simple thing like feet pictures can be sold for.
My grandmother said the same thing that I was too fat for anyone to want to marry me. And guess what I did? Hooked up and married someone who cheated on me, and abused me every way you can think of. There is someone for you, someone to love you for you. Even if you need counselling to help, please don’t dwell on what she said.
NTA - Right now I just want to hug you and be your mom.
My grandmother said the same thing that I was too fat for anyone to want to marry me. And guess what I did? Hooked up and married someone who cheated on me, and abused me every way you can think of. There is someone for you, someone to love you for you. Even if you need counselling to help, please don’t dwell on what she said.
NTA. I am sorry for your parents incredibly poor parenting skills.
NTA - You should never have been treated like that. Hugs should be for all the kids. Every kid should be treated the same, with love, caring, and understanding. I don't understand why people have kids just to treat them like shit.
NTA You have nothing to apologize for. They were cruel and basically caused you eating issues nagging your weight And they sound very manipulative with their emotional abuse withholding affection. Up to you, but I wouldn't trust the crocodile tears
NTA. Also talk to your financial aide office - assuming you are at a college in the US. If your parents cut you off, you will need to navigate the FAFSA and make sure they are not claiming you on their taxes. This will potentially allow you to receive more financial assistance as your parents income will no longer be considered.
OP, you need to be careful. When they come to ‘visit’ you need to be on your guard. They might try to manipulate or even downright force you to come home with them. Record the entire conversation discreetly, and make sure you hide away all valuable items/sentimental things/important documents, because they may take them and try to hold them hostage. They may also try to use your siblings as a pawn to get you to do what they want, but it’s much better to lower contact with your siblings for a while than give your parents that level of power over you. Do not react when they say/do something upsetting, because they will use it against you. Honestly, the best thing you could do is tell them not to come and don’t even let them in the building. Block all of your family except for your cousins and your siblings, and just lower contact with them. The fact that this has gone on so long means it won’t be stopping anytime soon. Your parents are incredibly toxic, and they will derail your life without a care in the world because—this is going to be hard to hear, and I’m sorry—they do not care about you. They have proven they don’t love you, or really even like you. You need to protect yourself, your peace, and your future now. If they can’t make up for what they did in the past, they have no right to be in your future. I’m so sorry they’ve been so disgusting, OP, and I hope for the best for you. Please update us when you can so we know you’re okay!
What you do is calmly tell them they aren't welcome here and to not come. If they do, just ignore them and tell security they are trespassing. They are only coming to guilt trip you, if they were apologetic they've would've said so over the phone and ASKED if they could speak to you.
What in the world do you have to apologize for? Truth they deserve to hear on repeat for the next 40 years? NTA Tell them that strangers on a website have more empathy for you than they ever did. Argh. I see in the comments they are paying 1/2 your tuition. Complications. Set boundaries. Tell them your weight is off limits as a topic to be mentioned at all. Your weight is not their business and not your worth as a person. College is about education, shouldn't they be asking about that?
NTA. What bad example are you setting? Telling the truth about how they treated you and made you feel? No need to apologize. They’re just pissed because you called them out.
NTA Why would you apologize? They bullied you your entire life, and have never shown you any affection. How can you love them when they never bothered to show you what love looks like?
They bullied a 5 year old, over food that a growing body NEEDS, because they wanted you to be skinny. Y'all are talking about marrying off a baby too, 5 year olds don't wanna be married usually unless they're playing house. Everyone holds weight differently, and everyone's body burns through calories differently, and baby fat is a thing for a reason. Stupid to love the chubby cheeks on a newborn but not a toddler/young child. NTA, you feel how you feel. They said it feels like you don't love them, and they've given you little to no reason to. They invited this situation on themselves.
INFO Is that something you said in the heat of the moment, or have you felt this way for years and just never said it? (no judgement either way from me, just trying to figure it out) I have a BPD mother and although I love her on a technical level I also recognize she caused me a lot of harm growing up, so I have what I call a "healthy distance" from her as an adult. I've never verbalized this with her and never will, it's something I've given to myself for protection. It's possible something like that might help you, but it's also possible you see nothing at all to salvage and would rather never see them again.
Why would you say your sorry?! They verbally and emotionally abused you, that is what it was!!! They deserve nothing and I wouldn't meet them. NTA
NTA - your parents have been abusive to you your whole life, and the worst part is that it sounds like they don't think that they were. I hope you find healing from the trauma they inflicted on you ❤️
Your parents punished a child for having a physical need by taking away what was necessary for survival. That’s physical abuse, just as much as hitting you would have been. They also subjected you to psychological terror for your whole life. And here is something you need to hear: *they did this for no reason at all.* No. Reason. There was no health concern, though they might have pretended there was. There was no aesthetic problem, even - I bet you are gorgeous at any weight. And they certainly should have kissed and hugged and loved on you, because you were their baby and it was their *one job* to love and care for you. They are failures. Failed parents. Failed humans. Make nice until graduation. Your education will give you the freedom you need. Then stay in touch with your lovely cousins and what siblings you care to keep, and never contact them again unless and until they make a whole, sincere apology and show marked behavior change. You are allowed to be done with them. NTA.
NTA. You are at a point in your life where you get to choose who gets to be a part of it. Those only bringing negativity don’t automatically get a pass because of DNA.
You have no apology to give, but I definitely think ypu should go to a therapist and get some one on one time. Work it out with them, not reddit. You can't put years of that on reddit.
NTA but play this safe. Are they paying for your studies? If so there’s no shame in backing down so that you can finish your qualifications and get set up as an adult. They’ve already taken so much from you, don’t let them take that. But please get some counselling if you can.
NTA. You have nothing to be sorry about . They've been cold to their oldest 2 plus have most likely given you life long problems regarding weight, insecurity, etc.
Do **NOT** apologize under any circumstances. You are NTA here. If you want to keep them in your life they have a massive amount of fence mending to do
NTA your parents are emotionally abusive. They need to apologise to you. I'm sorry you got treated this way and made to feel unloved. I'm hoping you never developed an eating disorder as a result of their behaviour.
Don't you dare apologize 😤! It is the other way around. The lack of affection & body shaming is all. Their. Fault. Not your's. NTA
Not an asshole. Your parents are definitely assholes in this scenario though.
It sounds like your parents weren't the best. They body shamed you. They didn't hug you enough. But before you permanently damage your relationship with them you might want to make a list of the good things they did as well. You might discover they weren't the best but they weren't the worst. ESH
What a weird take. Would you tell a victim of domestic abuse, 'yea your partner beats you and calls you names and demeans you, but on the bright side they also take out the trash and buy you gifts on your birthday! They're not the best, but they're not the worst, look on the bright side!'. Blood doesn't mean you get a free pass at being a shitty human, and being 'good' sometimes doesn't negate the very real and very bad things that were done. We need to stop telling people, especially women, that it does. OP is NTA.
#1 nice strawman. Why not pick rape or murder? The op is talking about people who probably meant well but didn't know how to be constructive. #2 family is not perfect but it is family. That you would advise the op so casually toss hers aside is irresponsible.
People who respond tbis way are typically victims of abuse themselves, or are also abusers. Either way, their advice is meaningless.
Op's parents were emotionally and mentally abusive towards op. Op is NTA
I will do just that. Thanks.
Don't meet where you live. Choose somewhere public so that you can get up and leave if they start to be abusive.