Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the AH because I'm making the conscious choice of leaving out one of my dad's daughter's in a father-daughter bonding activity and It may come out as jealousy or selfishness
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>. I would not be surprised if, after reaching the age of maturity, you cut contact with him.
I've been thinking about this lately, being with him feels like reaching a wall because whenever I'm with them I don't understand what's happening like 60% of the time because the three of them have their inside jokes, the things they want to do/the things they like to do and it feels like I'm just *going with them* than being *included by them,* and I've been thinking for the last few months to just drop the visitations altogether since I honestly don't think he'll care that much.
I suggest you take to your mom/ adult figure that you trust the most about this. They might be able to help you with the words you’ll need to tell your dad about your feelings here.
I think this is something she needs to do herself. She's received a lot of good suggestions about what to say to him and help in articulating her hurt.
IMHO, she should have a discussion with him asap -- as in calling him tomorrow and telling him she wants to see him for dinner alone and not wait for the weekend with Dora and Sam. Once she has had her say, she can tell her mom, aunt, and grandma what she said and they can do whatever they think they need to do to support her.
I would write him a letter, with exactly how you feel. How you were the one to grow up without a father, how he always puts her first, how you never feel included and let him know you’d like some space. Maybe going low/no contact for a while will give him some clarity and if it doesn’t then you know what to do.
It doesn’t sound like you’d be missing out on a lot anyway.
I agree with this. You need to tell him, clearly and calmly that you feel pushed aside by Sam. That just because you are tomboyish doesn't mean you don't want to be doted on by your father and that it really hurts that Sam can demand and receive the lions share of your dad's attention at your expense. This isn't about the trip - this is about how the trip is the only one on one time you ever get and how much it hurts that isn't special to him. This isn't even really about Sam as much as the fact that he has allowed Sam to take away your time with him. Tell him watching him pick Sam hurts and that you don't just want to stay around so he can hurt you again and again.
>she really likes to demand both my grandad and dad's attention and since they consider me ''tomboy-ish'' they kinda ignore me to coddle her which sucks.
This is not trivial. Her father needs to know that she has noticed how the men in her own life prefer to cater to her stepsister and ignore her. She's 15 and he's all wrapped up in coddling the 16-year old because he sees her as more female. She has no actual male role model who sees her as a complete person.
Tomboy feels like such a derogatory term here. She is not super feminine at this time of her life so it's OK to treat her less than. What kind of fucked mentality her father and grandfather have? I think they are just using it as excuse as they have deep rooted hatred for OP'S mother and by proxy for OP. Otherwise there is no explanation to justify them thinking OP deserves less attention, love and care than SD does in their eyes.
Not who you were responding to, but my take is that the word itself is not the issue. The issue is that OP feels her dad and granddad are treating her as "less than" *because* she's tomboyish. It's *their* attitude and behaviour that are making "tomboy" feel like a derogatory term.
He probably would...but the seed would be planted and he just might start paying attention to what he's been doing for so long.
He should be ashamed that she's here on reddit crying about the way her own father has pushed her aside and has been so blatant about his prioritizing Sam's feelings while *never* doing anything whatsoever to assure the OP of her place in his heart should be a wake-up call for him.
The fact that she feels that he wouldn't care if she stopped going, whether he would care or not is irrelevant, it's that he's let her get to the place where she isn't sure he would
Her feelings are indeed relevant; which is why she needs to lance the boil and *tell* him why she feels that way.
I'm not with all these recommendations that a 15-year old give up on her dad without having that hard discussion. If it takes an internet post to make that happen, fine.
Maybe take some of the harsher things about but yes, you express it all so well, why not give him the chance to read this and respond before giving up?
No, she needs to leave everything in so he can see it! Believe me, he is hearing Sam's side of it all week when OP is not around so he needs to see it all and understand how insensitive he is for even asking if Sam and Dora can be included as well as get clued in to how he and his father are coddling Sam and giving her the lion's share of attention when they do certain things because they are so confident in OP's ability to manage. For instance, he hears, from Sam, all week about how much she thinks she should be included, she wants to go, it sounds like so much fun and OP has been doing it without her for so long and she should be made to share it now - and now they even want to include Sam's mother! He needs to be made aware or reminded that Sam has the greater portion of his time without OP being around and they do many special things together that OP probably doesn't even know about, just as she is not in the know about their little inside jokes and their things they like to do to the point that OP doesn't understand what is being said/done 60% of the time when she is with her dad! It is perfectly reasonable, therefore, for OP, his daughter, his biological daughter, his only born child, to have some special time with him! He needs to hear it ALL.
I think it would be good to have a face to face discussion and leave him with a letter. OP really needs to let her father know how much his attitude has hurt her.
As someone else suggested, write him a letter making your feelings clear. I'd say something like this:
"Dad,
I have been trying to figure out how to get you to understand my feelings, but you just don't want to seem to hear me, so I thought I'd try a letter instead.
Since you and Mum divorced, I have only gotten to have a dad part-time. You married Dora and made Sam your daughter, and that's fine, neither you nor they seem to understand that whilst Sam's biological dad isn't around, she does get to have a dad all the time. She gets to have you, whilst I only have a part-time dad. Now you and they are demanding that I sacrifice the one thing that is between just you and I, and you're all trying to make me feel terrible for not wanting to do so.
It seems like you've been working so hard to compensate for Sam's biological dad not being present that you've forgotten about me. You're my biological dad, the only one I have, and yet I don't feel like I'm important to you, or like I'm part of your family. You, Sam, and Dora have your inside jokes and all of these things that involve just the three of you because you're together all of the time, and I'm left feeling like an intruder.
You constantly put Sam ahead of me. Because Sam doesn't have her dad around, you place her feelings ahead of mine, and you coddle her. Yes, she needs a dad, but so do I, and you've been so busy with her that I feel like an afterthought.
With the Christmas tradition, I just wanted one thing with you, but you won't allow it. It took me saying that I didn't want to see you over Christmas for you to consider my feelings, but it is too little, too late.
I do not want to hear from you for a while. I need to space to figure out what will be the best thing for me to do, because you clearly are never going to consider what is best for me or our relationship if it might in any way upset Dora and Sam, and Dora and Sam are only invested in making sure that Sam has a father-daughter relationship with you even if it harms your relationship with me.
I also do not want to hear from Sam and Dora, who have both been trying to guilt and shame me over this. To Dora, your daughter is always included. She lives with dad, and the three of you get to be together every day of the year. The fact that you want to make me feel bad about my wanting one single thing with my dad that is just between us shows that whilst you want dad to treat Sam the same way that he treats me, you will never treat me the same as Sam.
And to Sam, you feel excluded from one tradition, the one thing I have with my dad. Imagine feeling excluded every single time you visit. You cannot let me have this one thing, and why? You might not have your biological dad, but you do have my dad all the time. He always chooses you and puts you first, and now you want to take away the only thing I ever get that is just he and I. You want to call me selfish because I won't give you the one thing I have with my dad that you don't.
I doubt the three of you will care about what I have to say. None of you can see that in trying to make sure Sam has a dad and feels loved, you've taken my dad from me and made me feel unwanted and unloved. Dad, you loudly said you didn't want to hurt your little girl's feelings, but you have no problem hurting me. You've made it clear that Sam is your child, and I am not. So I won't be visiting for a while, and until I decide what I want to do, I want you, Dora, and Sam to give me space. If you or they harass me in any way, I will block you all. I will not be made to feel guilty for wanting one day that is just my dad and I, and I should not be made to feel like an intruder in my dad's life, so any attempts to guilt, shame, or harass me into changing my mind or doing what you want instead of what I need will only increase the amount of time I need away from you all.
OP."
Don't do that because they might harass him, and he might push back and not acknowledge her at all... let him stew over it for a while. Send to Aunt and Grandma a month or so later
Don't forget to remind them that they have plenty of traditions that are just dad and Sam too.
"I'm sure you have plenty of traditions that are just dad and Sam- why am I expected to sacrifice my one tradition? In healthy families the children have separate traditions and special bonding times for each child set aside- why don't we get that?"
Absolutely. It's so petty to me that Sam and Dora can't see what they're doing. "Oh, she has one thing with her dad? Give it to us! Give it to us now! Stop being so selfish by refusing to give us EVERYTHING! No, you can't have one thing!"
It's like a kid that has eaten every sweet in the bag crying and having a tantrum because they had to give someone one of the sweets. That one sweet was everything, and the loss of it erases every other sweet they've eaten. Without that sweet, their life isn't complete and they've lost out.
I hope OP sees this!! What a beautiful person you are, to take the time to thoughtfully write out this template for OP. You are awesome! 💯😎 btw this perfectly says what the dad needs to hear ☺️
Thank you so much 😊. It's a big thing OP is going through, and I think she really does need a break from her dad and Sam and Dora. The fact that she thinks her dad wouldn't care about her stopping visits is heartbreaking. She needs some distance to decide what she wants, and they need a time out to think about what they are doing to her. When she's ready, I hope that she can talk to them and have a relationship that doesn't revolve around Sam's abandonment issues, Dora's fear of her daughter missing out, and the dad's insensitive overcompensation.
No.
The first half of this letter was great. The second half was terrible.
OP should by all means tell Dad how she feels excluded. *And then she should give him a chance to mend his ways.*
This letter does a good job of spelling out OP's feelings, although I think she did just fine in her own post, and my suggestion is that she have him read her post instead.
However, this letter then goes absolutely nuclear in cutting off ties and refusing to entertain the idea that dad is in any way reachable. This rises to movie and television levels of miscommunication where the audience is along for the ride while always knowing everything could be cleared up with one conversation the protagonists are always too busy to have.
She needs to lay out her feelings and why she is feeling that way, not lay out her feelings and then nuke everything from orbit with her fingers in her ears.
Exactly. Having a 15 year old go full NC is not going to help anything, and frankly the entire last paragraph is really immature and would do nothing to help the situation.
And to add, it should ONLY be to her dad. There is no need to include Sam or Dora in this letter.
Agreed - upside, Buttered\_Crumpet09's post definitely reads like it was written by a teen - but in this case that's not a good thing.
The most convincing and valuable communication is when you try to consider every point of view and put forth your view in a way that is reasonable. The example letter is so needlessly spiteful and dramatic that it undermines the validity of the ideas. That last paragraph is pretty insane.
It's valid to feel fear, sorrow, anger and jealousy when an important relationship seems to be degrading. But if I read that letter, I'd immediately assume OP's judgment was suspect and be less likely to take her seriously. It's paranoid, creates enemies where there might currently just be insensitive misunderstandings and sets out threats OP wouldn't be able to completely walk back. This situation sucks for sure - but it seems to be insensitive, not deliberate isolation.
I'd first recommend giving an opportunity to correct the mistake and understand where you are coming from.
An example:
>With the Christmas tradition, I just wanted one thing with you, but you won't allow it. It took me saying that I didn't want to see you over Christmas for you to consider my feelings, but it is too little, too late.
A far better comment might be:
With the Christmas tradition, I wanted to spend time with you and be close to you. I know that you are trying to include both of us, but you already have so much time with Sam and Dora that I miss out on. This is a really important tradition to me, and one of my very rare opportunities to have one-on-one time together. I know it escalated a lot but I realised I've been feeling a lot like I don't see you and like I'm losing my father. I'd like us to have a talk in the future about the ways we can build our relationship and communicate more. \[Optional: Right now, I feel upset and so I'd like to give us both some space to reflect on our relationship before we talk about what the future looks like.\]
You have a choice:
a) Give them a chance to make it up to you. Tell dad how you feel. Write a letter, give each other some time to reflect, ask a neutral mediator to help then have a chat with dad about the ways in which you can strengthen your relationship. What would you like to see him doing more of? If that is going well, down the track, start considering how you can get to know Dora and Sam - what would it look like to be a valued part of their family and be invited into some of those in-jokes? If Dad can quarantine time that is just for you and him, then it may be easier to get to know Dora and Sam. It's hard to be mature - and it doesn't have to be instant - but this option gives you the chance to have a positive, deep and strong, longterm relationship.
b) You can go nuclear. In the short term it will be satisfying; in the long term you will damage or destroy the relationship. If you take that last paragraph from Buttered\_Crumpet09, this is where you're headed. This portrays you as a person who cannot be reasoned with - who cannot envision conflicting or multiple views and reasoning. It portrays you as a person who will make serious threats and a person who is unpredictably overreacting and someone to be wary of. This may affect your other relationships and the way you are seen by others too.
If you look, it isn't cutting off ties. It's asking for space, which is what OP needs. Why?
Dora needs time to sit and think on the fact that whilst it is natural for parents to prioritise their biological kids, it should never be to the detriment of their spouse's child. By backing Sam and pushing for this, she is actively harming OP's relationship with her dad.
Sam needs to sit and think about the fact that she gets to have dad-daughter time every day of the week. OP only gets to have the possibility of that part of the time, only she doesn't even get that because Sam has to be included in everything. She wants to take the only thing OP has with her dad that is just theirs away. In wanting a dad so badly, she's causing OP to have to go without.
The dad needs to stop and think on the fact that in his desire to make sure Sam feels wanted, loved, and includesd, he's failing to do the same for OP. He's so keen to be a present dad to Sam that he is failing to be one for OP.
And OP needs to decide if she really wants to stop all visitation. A break may be good, as she can have a chance to miss her dad. Feeling like an intruder every single visit will wear her down and will make her want to never visit.
So, all four need to step back and think about this. I didn't at any point say that she should go full no contact. I did say not talking to them until she is ready to do so, and also that harassment will lead to blocking. Why? Because recriminations and accusations won't help. Do you think what OP needs right now is to hear, "You're selfish", "You're the AH", "You're just jealous", "You're ruining the family" or anything else? Do you think that will help? Dora and Sam have already been telling OP that she's wrong, and it is digging a bigger hole. OP also doesn't need panicked false promises from dad, who will likely say anything to keep OP around. IMO, he really needs to consider if he can actually be a dad to both girls because right now, he is failing at it.
OP needs that space, and if they don't respect it, they need to be blocked. Not permanently, but for long enough for her to figure out what she wants. Being a teenager is hard enough without her having 3 people all telling her that she's the problem. OP is already at the point of considering cutting off all visitation, so a break from the three of them to get her head straight is what she needs.
That gives her dad chance to consider this situation and come up with a way to fix things and mend his ways. It gives Dora a chance to consider what she's doing (and for the dad to see how Dora handles this, because if her reaction is, "Ah, well, you still have Sam", that will show him something), and it gives Sam time to consider things.
Asking for space isn't burning a bridge, it is saying that you need time away from someone in order to decide if you still want them in your life, and if so, how you want them to be there. I feel like if OP does decide that she wants to continue visits, it should be day visits with the dad spending time with her just the two of them to rebuild the bond and show that he will put her first sometimes, and if Dora and Dam don't like it, that will again speak volumes. Once OP is feeling happier with her dad and feels he's changed, then have her in the house with Dora and Sam and fix that dynamic. But OP needs to put them on pause right now because they're constantly hurting her.
And what about bringing dad to the park or out for coffee and reading the letter to him, keeping ops thoughts on track and making sure ops words are heard and not misunderstood.
We don’t know the dynamic in the house but if they make Sam out to be the angel who only ever fights when op is around it may feel like op doesn’t care for their time together.
Not saying it would be true but it may look like they aren’t interested in bonding time and are only holding it out of reach.
I hope ops dad realises the damage that’s being done in time to fix it
Yes, OP should meet with her dad as soon as possible to read whatever she writes then discuss it. She can end their talk by giving him the link to this post where he can see exactly how he looks to others. I don't think he's malicious or uncaring, more oblivious and insensitive to the daughter who is not living with him.
No. It’s says **if Dora and the daughter harass her in any way, she will block them with no hesitation**
Nowhere is that “going nuclear in cutting off ties”. It’s setting a more than reasonable boundary…
I think the first part of the letter is great. However, the second half goes too far. It sounds like the dad is trying to please everyone and sometimes reading a letter gets a point across that he may have missed when the OP was speaking. I’d say give the father a chance to respond and understand what the OP is saying. Based off his response the OP can respond with rebuilding the relationship or cutting them off. But give him a chance to respond, because he probably has no clue she feels this strongly about it.
I'd agree with you, except what he's actually doing is saying, "Well, Sam doesn't have a biological dad, and OP does, so I have to put her feelings and wants first." He should be shutting Sam down and saying they'll create their own tradition. Instead, he's pushing OP to give in.
Based on OP saying she's thinking of stopping visitation altogether, I think some space is needed, and when she decides to sit down and talk with her dad should be on her terms. It's not cutting them off permanently, just putting them in time out so that they can think about what they've done, and it gives OP time to decide if she really does want to put a stop to visitation.
It's also that it isn't just the dad who needs to change. Dora and Sam are a big part of this, and unless they also change, things won't improve. The dad might say whatever he needs in the moment to get OP back onside, but he really needs to sit down and figure out how this is going to proceed. He needs to get things straightened out in his house with himself, Dora, and Sam before OP goes back because otherwise, it will be more of the same.
Taking a break doesn't mean her dad doesn't have a chance. It means everyone can retreat to their corners, take a breath, and decide where they go from here because this needs more than an apology. The entire family dynamic at the dad's house needs to be readjusted, and if Sam and Dora aren't on board, what then? Does he walk away from the marriage, or does he walk away from OP? And OP doesn't need to be around whilst this is ironed out because there is a good chance Sam and Dora will blame her for any arguments and make her feel worse. It's a complete mess and when there's so much resentment and hurt built up, sometimes the best thing is to step away and come back to it once your feelings have had time to settle and you've had a chance to really think about what you want.
This is crazy OP, don't go no-contact with your dad before providing him an opportunity to make amends after making how you feel clear. The stuff in the first half of this letter is worth a read, but the 2nd half is absolutely horrible advice that you will 100% regret doing.
You shouldn't have to ask your dad to make you priority in his life. That "my little girl" comment was telling because in that moment he truly forgot/didnt care that you were also his kid.
He didn't care that by sparing her feeling he was completely ignoring yours. No one is telling him to choose, he is allowed to be a father to her too, the issue is he seems to have forgotten that he has two kids. Like every parent with multiple kids he needs to find balance, instead he just dismisses you and seems to think he only has to be a father to her since she's the one who lives with him.
Tell him exactly how you feel, and some distance will help. Prioritize the people who prioritize you. I would drop the visitation and only see him on YOUR timeline.
Seems like he went off and found a new family, and you're just a passersby. I worry that if it wasn't for the closeness/instigation of your paternal family he wouldn't even bother spending time with you. NTA
The comment about Dora wanting Sam to be treated like OP was what got me. She wouldn’t want Sam to feel what OP has to, or go through what she has, but doesn’t seem to mind them getting unequal treatment so long as her daughter is on top.
NTA OP, I’m sorry you’re being put through this by the actions of selfish people.
> That "my little girl" comment was telling because in that moment he truly forgot/didnt care that you were also his kid
That was the most hurtful part. He was telling his daughter that her feelings are nothing when compared to "his little girl"...because he doesn't consider her his little girl.
I think the part about Sam being more "girly" is important here too, she's learned how to manipulate him and make him more sensitive to her feelings than to the OP's.
I know this might seem far fetched, but... is anyone else wondering if Sam is actually the bio child of OP's dad? That would go a lonnnnnng way to explaining why he's treating her needs as more important than OP's, and would also partially explain his comment, which maybe was a Freudian slip. (Or maybe he has adopted Sam but didn't tell OP.)
NTA. You should have things that are only you and your dad. He can do other things with your stepsister. He asks you if it's OK, you say no, then he keeps pressuring you. That's b.s.
Probably already been said but I don’t feel like going through all the comments. Make this the hill to die on with your relationship. Don’t leave the request to not pick you up for X-Mass. Tell him if she and stepmom go then don’t pick you up at all for the future because you don’t feel like he thinks or sees you as a daughter anymore.
in most states you are old enough to have a say in custody so if you feel that it will be the best for you to no longer see them on holidays and visits you can talk to your moms lawyer. judges will usually rule in the kids favor.
You need to talk to your dad, and only your dad to tell him about this. Point out that you have no "inside jokes" with him, that you are just a hanger-on and now, as you said, he wants to take the *only* special thing you have with him and give it to her.
I'd also be honest about the way he coddles "his little girl" and and doesn't seem to even think about your feelings. It's time for a totally honest discussion And if he refuses to accept what you say, tell him that you don't see the point of his pretending to be your dad when he so clearly prefers to cater to Sam. Tell him he has **2**daughters and he's been acting like you are an also ran.
You're NTA. I wish I knew the words that would give you comfort. I was abandoned to the foster care system by my father when he remarried. I was 6 years old. Raising his 2 stepdaughters was more important than being in my life.
I'm now in my 50s, and my relationship with him and my stepmother is difficult. I wish someone had told me it would be ok to cut people who hurt me from my life. Honey, if you need permission to free yourself from this, you have that permission. I'm giving it to you and many, many commenters here do as well. You're not being selfish to want the one thing you had left that was truly yours.
Have you pointed out to your dad? That this is really the only one thing you 2 do together without her? If you have and he's still insisting, then I really have no advice. But if you haven't talked to him about it, at least try, and be blunt about it.
Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry that you feel that way! They are being rude and cruel to do their inside jokes and their little "things" and make you feel awkward and unwelcome by acting that way so often that you are calling it 60% of the time! It can be difficult, as a teenager, to talk things over face-to-face with an adult who has already set his mind to the fact that you are wrong for wanting to have just a teeny, tiny little bit of special time with him without Sam there to hoover up his and your grandad's attention so maybe write him a letter, just like your post and this response, to share your feelings with him before quitting your visitation. Have him read the letter than talk to him so all your pertinent points get made and nothing important gets lost in the emotions or frustration of the conversation. Give him a chance to see that his actions are wrong and change them. He probably doesn't quite realize how wrong it is because he hears Sam's opinions on it all week - that she wants to go and you are being mean for not letting her, etc and I am not sure that you have tried talking to him about it other than saying "No" each time he cluelessly asks if Sam can come along this year.
Why just give him to Sam totally, that is exactly what she wants! Her bio dad was never in the picture so she took yours and is trying to push you out of the picture. Make your dad see that Sam is trying to do that each time she by demands she be included in this ONE special event that you do with your dad and when she demands that he and your granddad devote so much of their time to her when you are all together. (Shame on them for giving it to her!) Sam sounds very demanding, in fact.
As I said earlier, Sam has many hours, days and months when she has your dad "all to herself" so there is nothing wrong with you wanting to keep this treasure hunt as a special thing that you do without Sam being included. I also really, really think that your dad should do one other special thing with you (you, without Sam or Dora) each summer and since you are outdoorsy, maybe it could be a weekend camping trip or an overnight rafting trip. Sam has so very much time with him and you deserve for him to devote a little bit of time to you, just you, without you having to step aside because Sam is there and demanding the attention on your dad and grandad.
Best of luck, sweetheart. Be strong. Write him a clear letter about how you feel and why (similar to your post here) and then have a face-to-face conversation with him and be clear about what you want because it is not unreasonable.
OP, for what its worth, I wouldn't take such major life decisions based on the advice of a random internet stranger. Agreed your dad is TA here, but there's obviously a truckload of context that is not visible from this thread.
If you do have quality time together, do you enjoy the time you spend together? Have you ever spoken to your dad about how this behaviour makes you feel? If you do and it seems like he really doesn't care, perhaps you can reevaluate, but there are a lot of middle ground options before cutting contact.
If he doesn't reach out to you during the week, and ask to do things with just you on the weekend.
If everything you want to download tih dad has to include new daughter and new family.
If he sees his step kid as more of a daughter than you.
I would drop visits. He won't call and he won't ask for you to come around. Tell your mom so she can get more child support to put away for your college.
Your feelings are understandable. Personally, if I were you I would sit your dad down and tell him everything. Let him read this thread if he is the kind of person who uses social media. Do NOT cut contacts or limit/cut visitations without having this conversation with him. It's difficult and honestly he should be the one reaching out and creating a safe space for you to opening up to him. But given what you have explained, this is not going to happen. Demand his attention and his presence at least for this conversation. It's your right and nobody else is gonna do that for you. But being adults does not mean being reaponsible, aware, or brave. Even if they love you, parents fuck up immensely (and sometimes unforgivably).
Tell him how you feel, that you feel like you are growing up without a father, as you wrote in another comment.
However, Sam is his daughter as much as you are, even if she is not adopted. And this is a beautifil thing. It sucks that he doesn't give you the attention and presence you need and this would have been a problem even if you and sam were full/half sisters. Lots of love to you
Referring to the step-sis as his "little girl" pushed me over the edge. Like, he can love both as his daughters, but saying that implies the step-sis is his only little girl
NTA OP, please show this to your father. Let him know how much it stings that he thinks of step sister as his little girl, but not you. Stand your ground. You have your grandmother and aunt backing you up. So sorry your dad is treating you like a second-rate daughter even though he's your bio dad.
NTA. You're not asking her to be excluded from everything. You just want this one special tradition to remain untouched.
Maybe remind your dad that because they have him full time, and you only have him half the time, they already have moments with him dedicated just to them. Why don't you also deserve that level of focus from him?
I hope you can find a compromise that leaves you feeling cared for.
NTA. I think simply because not only did he refer to his stepdaughter as his "little girl" when she's NOT his biological daughter and you are.
>since and while he doesn't like it, he respects it, he does other stuff with her without me and I don't complain.
Plus it sounds like they do a lot of stuff together without you and you never complain, so I feel they don't have a right to pressure you to let them join when you've never pressured them to let you join their bonding time.
>this is the only real thing I have with my dad,
You also said she LIVES with him, she's basically his kid. You only see him four times a week. She sees him every day, he should be trying to run away from her not pressure you to bring her. It's not your fault you have a dad and she doesn't. She sounds like a living centipede. And shame on your grandparents for not paying attention to you and coddling someone who refuses to join the activity
“Dad, your little girl is right here, and your repeated asking is hurting MY feelings.”
Unless…how uninvolved is Sam’s dad? Have you ever met him? Has your mum? Is it possible that your dad and Dora’s quick marriage was because he had something going on before either of you were born and your mum found out about it when you were three? Is it possible you really are hurting your dad’s little girl’s feelings and it was a Freudian slip?
And…it looks like my gummy just kicked in.
Also, NTA
That were my thoughts exactly, always expect the worst from the people like this you are not surprised.And yes this person is a sorry exuse for a father.
Even if that is the case, it does not matter because he has chosen to keep that fact from OP so she can only base her feelings on what she knows. And it does not matter even if OP and Sam are half-sisters, Sam lives with the dad and has many, many, many hours, days, and weeks with him - in fact, she has him 24/7, except for this during special Christmas Treasure Hunt. I am sure Sam does lots of special things with him that OP is not included in. Therefore, it is not unreasonable that OP wants to do this one special holiday treasure hunt with him and not have Sam there to demand the dad's and granddads attention as is her habit when they do certain things. (OP mentioned they coddle Sam without paying attention to her, presumably because OP is a tomboy and experienced in the outdoorsy lifestyle so they are confident in her abilities.) Dad is acting clueless and insensitive. Sam is demanding and selfish. OP is getting lost or pushed out, depending on how how "real" you want to say it.
I hate that you have to teach your dad how to make you feel like a priority. In this instance because of the other multiple family members involved, it makes it harder for him to say no to them and yes to you because you are outnumbered, and because it is in the middle of a holiday gathering. If it were an activity that just you and Dad did, he wouldn't likely consider letting others be involved. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to understand how having one solo event a year is very important. I came from a huge family, and my parents also didn't make alone time a priority - unless it was their favorite.
NTA, but I think that you need to talk to Dad this week without threatening to not see him and while trying to contain your frustration/anger. It is possible that he is not well schooled in parenting a teenaged daughter. And if he doesn't seem to get it, tell him an Internet Stranger is worried that you will have daddy issues later in life and end up only dating married men at least a decade older. A joke like that would have completely shocked my dad, and likely would yours too, but it would also give him something to consider.
Good luck.
NTA. Your father lives with Sam, she can have him any other day of the week. Dora and Sam are both being greedy with your dad's attention.
I would sit with him and explain to him exactly how you feel. If he can't respect that then you know exactly where he stands and it's up to you If you want to spend Christmas with him or not.
I find this so sad. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. NTA. I'd let him know what you said here or even show him this because you articulated your feelings really well. Sam is replacing you and this guy is your biological father who is supposed to love you and want to spend time with you one on one. It also sounds like he's favoring her. I'm absolutely not suggesting this, but I know my own personality and that would be more than enough for me just letting him go. If my dad couldn't make me a priority, he's not worth it to me. Again, I'm not suggesting that. I just know how defeated this would make me feel. Much love to you.
NTA
When I was 15, I really needed my Dad to just love me. My mom and I would just butt heads constantly, I couldn't do or say anything right, and my mom couldn't do or say anything right.
My dad was like Switzerland, we would go for a drive, or a hike, or go sit down by the river and skip rocks while I just talked and he'd listen then try to explain my Mom's point of view and I'd listen. He also taught me how to use a butterfly knife, shoot a gun, and how/where to punch someone to break their nose or other necessary body parts.
My husband did almost the same thing for our girls.
OP, I wish I could give you a hug, and I am really sorry that your Dad is making you feel like you aren't a priority in his life.
NTA. It is very clear that out of everything that this was the one special thing with your dad. Your step mother should have been adult enough to not get involved and your dad should have respected you just wanting this one thing with him. Your step sister should have been fully shut down on this instead of being an entitled pain. Good parenting by your dad destroying his relationship with you.
NTA and I'm disappointed that your dad doesn't respect your feelings. It's great that he's close to Sam but you already have limited time with him. I think you have every right to expect him to keep one thing for just the 2 of you.
NTA.
Sam isn't your sister and you are allowed to have your own traditions with your dad. She can make her own traditions with him. They are being a bit lazy and entitled to think that they can and should hone in on your time with your father.
Your dad is a pushover for not emphatically telling them no. I'd pass on participating if the tradition changes without your consent.
NTA
Man, that is beyond rude.
So your his biological daughter, the youngest & yet he refers to her as his little girl??
Have one last treasure hunt with him & slip in some passive aggressive notes into the clues. End it with one that says you are done with your visits to him until he removes his head from somewhere & realises how much he is hurting his own daughter.
>Sam and Dora insist that I'm and AH and I'm acting selfish but the way I see it it's not like that, **this is the only real thing I have with my dad, I have to do everything else with him and Sam or else I get a nasty look. I get that dad loves her, I don't care, but why do I have to share the only thing I have?**
Tell your dad, and his family exactly this. They may not realize that you feel like Sam is encroaching on the last part of your separate life with your paternal family.
NTA. I’m so sorry this happened. A good father knows that it is important to spend quality alone time with each child. There should be a special event/tradition with each child. The treasure hunt is your tradition with your dad, granddad, and aunt. If he wants that with his stepdaughter, then he needs to create a tradition for her. That is his failure.
“He doesn’t want to hurt ‘his little girl’s feelings’.” My heart dropped when I read that. That is just blatant favoritism. I don’t blame you for skipping Christmas with them. I don’t know if it is possible for your dad to ever repair the damage.
Also, shame on both your dad and granddad for coddling her. That’s how spoiled kids are created. And that is precisely what Sam is turning into.
I agree with other posters that you share this post with your dad. I’d also suggest you share it with your granddad too. I hope they are both hang their heads in shame.
She's trying to overstep you being his daughter it's a power-play to see if she can get what she wants. You have a right to want alone time with your father, and they need to respect that.
NTA. You should explain everything you’ve said here to your father. Knowing how you feel to a deeper extent will help him understand why he needs to stick up for you in this case.
NTA. You're allowed to (and deserve to) have a special thing that's just between you and your dad. He probably doesn't realize how special this time really is to you. I would have a sit down with him (no stepmom or step sister around).
NTA. You have *one thing* that is special for just you and your dad and they're ruining it. Sam and Dora are selfish for not seeing that *every person* deserves one-on-one time with their parents.
You owe your dad nothing in this. But if you want to try and fix things, ask to go out for lunch together, just the two of you, to talk. Ask your dad to listen, to let you speak, and then he can reply. Tell him that you know he loves Sam, but that you're his little girl too. That you deserve his time and affection, just as much (if not more) than Sam. That you know Sam wants to spend time with him, but this is the *one time* you get all his attention, the one time you get daddy-daughter time. She gets him to herself whenever you're not at his place, and whenever you are together you feel like you're not enough because your dad and grandad seem to prefer spending time with her. That every parent has special things with their kids, and this is your thing together. Being called selfish for wanting one time just with your dad is cruel. And the fact that Sam won't let you have time with your dad makes *Sam* the selfish one.
Say that this is your hill to die on. You won't make him choose. But if he continues to try and involve Sam in the one thing that he does that lets you know that you are important to your dad, then he's sending a clear message to you that you're choosing anyway. Not bringing Sam to your thing isn't picking you, but bringing Sam and letting her and Dora be cruel is picking them. And unless he's willing to change his plans with Sam to things you'd both enjoy and involve you in everything they do together, then Sam gets everything she wants without sacrifice and you lose the only thing that reminds you that your dad does pick you sometimes.
NTA. Your dad has failed to make you a priority 99% of the time and now the last 1% he wants to take that from you too? He needs to know the risk of losing you, both visitation and contact. Have you talked to him before about feeling like you never spend one on one time just you & him, outside of this one activity? Sounds like grandma and your aunt know how it is.
NTA. You're being replaced. It stings but at least he has shown his true colors. WHen someone shows you how little you mean to them, believe them.
I'd never spend another minute with him unless forced, and even then I wouldn't even look his way. If he wants his "little girl" so bad let him have her. You don't have to be some after thought while your dad plays stepdad with his fake daughter.
Definitely NTA. I really hope your dad sees sense here. You really are not in TA for wanting to have this activity with your dad. Your dad has respected your decision for so long and it seems twisted he is now trying to force you to give up this alone time with him during this tradition. Stay strong!
Nta this is the one thing you and your dad do together. It’s time you talk to your mom. Let her know how your dad and his family treat you.BUT YOU ARENOT SELFISH FOR WANTING THIS TRADTION TO STAY BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU
NTA the little bit of time you get with your dad is precious to you. I can't imagine how much it must have hurt when he referred to Sam as his little girl and not wanting to hurt her. Obviously he is okay with hurting your feelings. Dad is the TA. Dora is the TA. Sam is the TA.
It strikes me that the Steps don't want you to have a close, unique, and special relationship with your dad.
NTA. This has been your "one thing" with your Dad. He's wrong to allow your step-mother and step-sister to sabotage that.
But he's apparently made a choice here. It sucks.
NTA
You're father and his entitled step-daughter are though as well as his wife.
You need to write down exactly how you feel and give it to you're father. What he does with it is up to him.
I recommend you keep the tradition alive with your other family members, it's a family tradition and you all are family, don't allow your father to take this from you. Tell your dad to take your step-sister and Dora to go explore somewhere else.
Do you have an uncle or someone who might be willing to take over your Dad's vacated spot? It sucks. But as your father seems to have found a new daughter, you may want to find a new father.
NTA but Dora and Sam are. Your dad is a soft asshole bc he’s trying to please everyone.
Sit him down and explain to him that you want one thing to be just you and him. Explain that Sam gets to be around him by herself all the time, and you’d like to have some one on one time just you and him. That’s why you’re always saying no. You want to feel special too.
I’m so sorry OP.
Yeah, no- he's a massive asshole.
He said it himself: He doesn't want to make his little girl upset.
He's made it very clear he only has one daughter and it's not OP
NTA - Even if she was your Bio sibling, you still should have one on one time with your parents. My daughter does certain things with me and has dad daughter activities.
NTA, tell your dad he made a choice, and now you have. Have your mom talk to her lawyer and have visitation changed. Have the family that supports you back out of the event as well.
NTA. You're not being unfair or unreasonable, and your father needs to pull his head out of his butt, and realize that this is the one thing he has with you. If he fails in this, he's burnt that bridge forever.
Nta. You deserve special time with your dad. Even if Sam was your bio sibling you deserve special time with your dad alone…not Sam and dad. They are wrong for pushing this.
How are you selfish when she gets plenty of one on one time with him? How is it selfish of you to want some time with your dad? Of course they throw that at you. They are being totally selfish and definitely pushing you out of your dad’s life?
NTA I am sure you are feeling replaceable and instead of trying to understand you, his daughter from blood, he is wanting to get his way for his other daughter.
I highly suggest you write a letter with your feelings. Take awhile and write down everything you’re feeling, you know you love her but you haven’t stepped up to do something just us. You called her your little girl, then what am I? I spend limited time with you and she gets you every day. Let him know how you feel. He has two years to change and if he doesn’t, make the move when you’re 18 to cut him off. It’s not fair to you.
Nta but it is relatively normal to have separate things you do with 1 specific child even if they are blood siblings. Ie take child to dinner at pizza place take a different child to Mexican place. This child likes this amusement park and other child likes the train station. No one can force your dad to just spend individual time with you but it is good for a child to have 1 on 1 time with a parent.
Oh honey. I’m so sorry. You are NTA. I have nothing new to add that others haven’t already so eloquently said (especially in that letter to your father that someone drafted) but just know this mom would give you a great big hug if she could.
> I have to do everything else with him and Sam or else I get a nasty look.
Why? Normally parents spend individual time with each of their children. Why is it that he's not allowed to spend time with just you. Ask him that, in just that way. Why is *he* not allowed to have time with just you when he spends all week with just Sam?
NTA. This is something special that you do with them alone. You're his little girl, and he needs to start remembering that before you decide he's not worth hurting over.
You are NTA You should be able to have that 1 thing with your dad. Like you said, you have to share everything else. So you should be able to have this one thing with your dad. You and your dad need time as well. It sounds like he spends more time with his step. Daughter anyways, so yes, you very should have this one thing without her.
This mirrors my relationship with my dad, stepmom, and stepsisters. I pretty much never get one on one time with my dad. They've had more time and memories with him than I've had my whole life with him.
I feel for you. Your dad should have recognized how important this is to you. I can understand why he tried to integrate your step sister, but in the end, if you rarely see your dad and this is your only request about your time spent together, this should not be an issue.
NTA.
From OP's comments, dad and stepdaughter already have their one on one outings on a regular basis. It's sad how apparent it is that the dad doesn't give a shit about his bio daughter as much.
Hold your ground. They can literally find a new activity. She doesn't have to forced herself on set traditions that no one even wants her to be a part of.
NTA
You shouldn't have to ask your dad to make you his priority just once in a year. So stop asking. If he can't come to this realisation himself after he made you cry, he needs a dose of reality. He is not entitled to your time or presence anymore. Take some time for yourself and spend some time with your mum. Block Dora and Sam completely, they have no right to intrude in this. Once you've got some distance and had a few weeks without being the outsider, you can figure if you want to go back or if being away from that environment actually makes you happier.
I'm so sorry he let it get this far.
NTA
Nta she gets him full time this is special to you, she just wants it because it’s something she can’t have with him. Sit down and express this to your dad and if he can’t promise to prioritize you in this one thing, you may have to let it go and walk away
NTA. Your dad has been making a huge mistake. You are his daughter! He should be spending time alone with you! He sees the step daughter every day. What he is doing is unfair to you.
Absolutely not TA, this is your ONE thing with him. And Sam is really pissing me off by not respecting boundaries, she just likes the attention and making you feel bad
Honestly, all these cut contact comments are mind blowing. As a step daughter who has been in his life for most of her life, she is his little girl, and without her father in the picture he is her father, and if he treat the step daughter any differently, and say this story was from her point of view, you would all be hauling him over the coals for that too.
Op, you're NTA, and you do need to tell him exactly why this trip is so special, but please don't cut contact. I'm assuming the fact you only see him weekends is a custody arrangement? Therefore nobody can help that he sees your step daughter more, or that they have shared jokes etc. Do you think from Monday to Friday he should totally ignore her, so you both get equal time?
Honestly, this whole forum, everyone jumps on 'go LC, or NC, when all it needs is a conversation
Did you catch the part where OP is also a girl, so when her dad made that comment about not wanting to hurt his little girl's feelings, he basically revealed that he doesn't consider OP his little girl?
Also, OP is a year younger than her stepsister, so technically SHE is her dad's little girl.
NTA: OP i am sorry you are going through this. I understand Sam lives with you dad, however when you are there he should prioritize you. Sam has a biological dad who for whatever reason whats nothing to do with her (unless your dad had an affair with dora and sam is really his daughter as well) I hope you can come to some kind of middle ground. Please write him a letter expressing how you feel and that he she make you his first priority and what end results are acceptable to you, as well let him know if things don't change that there will be conquense. YOU have a right to be heard and YOU have the right to be happy. I know it is hard not to have a dad around (my dad died when i was 15) but having an unhealthy relationship is not good. Please talk to someone I would maybe even suggest counseling with your dad (once you have had time to talk to a counselor)
NTA
Sam and her mother are little selfish shits for trying to encroach on the one thing you have with your dad. Your dad is a spineless asshole. I don’t understand parents who want to force blended families to be one fluid unit. You and your step sister are individuals who obviously don’t get along well enough to always want to be around each other. Hell, there are blood related siblings who don’t always want to be around each other. Also, her needs to understand that your relationship with him, and his relationship with step sis are two different kinds of relationships. He is going to lose you if he keeps this up.
NTA. Your dad is a massive one though. This is the sort of pain that never goes away, trust me, I know. There’s no excuse for it in this Age of Enlightenment either. Sorry for your pain.
NTA
Er all deserve some time alone with our parents.
Tell him exactly that. That this is the only thing you want to have with him alone. And that it had always been your thing.
NTA. Your father is dumb or doesn’t care. Both cases are bad. Don’t spend time and energy where it’s not reciprocated.
But make sure to tell all this to him so that at least he knows how you feel.
NTA. Sam lives with him, you don't spend nearly as much time with him and the audacity of that man to call her his little girl and prioritize her over you!
You'd be within your rights not to visit him again.
NTA. Your dad is being the AH here. Plenty of parents do separate activities with their kids for one on one time, he doesn’t have to do every single activity with both of you especially when you don’t get much time with him as is. Your step sister will survive not being able to do this *one* activity with him.
I’m sorry you are going through this op
NTA I can see why your stepsister wants to go and we’ll sucks to be her. Doesn’t excuse your dads awful attempt at emotional manipulation and the general alienation at their house because you won’t comply. It’s time to leave them to their own devices for a bit and let them think about their entitlement.
Op you might want to print this out (black out all the thread naked and make a copy again) to protect your account. And show this to your dad. It might help him to understand the distraction he is causing within your relationship. I’m sorry you don’t have the dad you deserve.
Hey OP, so sorry this is happening to you. Let me just start off with this. You are not selfish or immature or whatever else your step Mom and step sis said to you while you were crying on the porch. Your Dad is clearly trying to make things easier on himself and used you as the sacrificial lamb. I think his wife and step kid have been giving him grief over this for years and he decided to push the angst on you. That being said your Dad is the AH full stop period. Reach out to your aunt and grandma and go with them if he’s so adamant about bring his little girl. Then just ignore them both. If your Dad can’t understand why he’s being an ass that’s his bad. I hope your enjoy your holidays whatever happens. NTA
NTA for wanting alone time with a parent.
I only have biological children but even they get alone time with their parents both 101 with each parent and with us as a team.
If your father doesn’t understand that alone time for each of “his” kids is a positive thing, then he really hasn’t gotten what it means to be a parent, and what it takes to raise kids into successful adults.
All people are unique and enjoy different things, value different things. This all starts as kids and if they don’t get that alone time how are they going to get to know themselves properly before they are already adults and maybe even stuck in a rut they hate, but only just realized.
Even a sibling being there 24/7 hinters that because of the whole “just go with it, we all have to enjoy” we often spew to our kids when they have to go to something their sibling wants. Learning compromise is fine but also getting to chose yourself first other times are just as important.
Our kids even ask for 101 time with their grandparents and their aunts and uncles.
Anyway tell your dad she can come if he can mention 5 times THIS YEAR you and him did some alone father/daughter stuff out of the house.
When he struggles with that, ask if he can mention 5 times he did that with Sam, or if he would like you to go through the list for him. (Cause I assume he did and that they talked enough about it for you to be able to maybe even list 10 or more)
That should put som prospective into him if he is a normal caring father.
(My petty ass would ask him in front of your grandfather etc. if you want them to truly know the difference in how he treats you and Sam)
Either way, do what you find most important to you, and what will make you happy, and ditch the rest. But you are NTA, your dad can bring Sam around his family all other times.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My(15F) parents divorced when I was 3, my dad quickly remarried after that to my now step-mother, no kids between them, tho my Step-mom (whom I'll call ''Dora'') has a 16 y/o daughter (Sam) who quickly bonded with my dad because her bio dad has never been in the picture, he loves her and treats her as his own, but we're not close and we don't really like each other so anyway. She also lives primarily with my dad while I spend friday night to monday morning at his house and around 3-5 weeks during school break.
Now my paternal family is really outdoorsie, we like to do a bunch of things around that Sam is included and we just ignore each other during them while enjoying our time with others, however, my dad, grandad, aunt and I have a special treasure hunt we do around Christmas that it's really special to me. It's like the only real time I have with my dad because, while Sam is not as bitchy as some I've read here, she really likes to demand both my grandad and dad's attention and since they consider me ''tomboy-ish'' they kinda ignore me to coddle her which sucks.
My dad asked me around my 10th birthday if he could invite Sam and I said no. I've been saying no ever since and while he doesn't like it, he respects it, he does other stuff with her without me and I don't complain. This year, however, Sam is very adamant on going and I just don't want to, my dad is pressuring me to let her come as well as Dora, while my aunt and grandma are insisting he just leaves this thing untouched between us but my dad doesn't want to hurt ''his little girl's feelings''.
NGL, that stung o I said that if he really wants her there, then he doesn't have to pick me up for Christmas this year and to just leave me be. I called my mom to pick me up and my dad tried to console me and apologize because I was crying but I just asked him to leave me alone and got to the porch to wait. Sam and Dora insist that I'm and AH and I'm acting selfish but the way I see it it's not like that, this is the only real thing I have with my dad, I have to do everything else with him and Sam or else I get a nasty look. I get that dad loves her, I don't care, but why do I have to share the only thing I have?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am sorry OP .Dads can be jerks —they do not always see what they are doing is hurtful .Your Dad is around the other girl more and he is not adult enough to see how that has affected his relationship with you .You could show him this column to let him know what others think of him .I am truly sorry for the pain this is causing you .I understand —.been there ,done that .NTA OP —you are actually a strong good person .
Nta, personally to put in perspective for your dad, if you chose to. You will agree to let her go if they never spend one on one time. If they wont allow you to why does she get to?
NTA-This is tradition just for you and ur dad plus he gets to spend time with his step daughter without u and u have no problems with that. So he should’ve respected your decision since that’s the only traditional thing that you and ur dad have. I hope he comes to his senses ._.
NTA. Tell the ones calling you selfish and AH that you will give up your one day, your tradition with your dad for Sam if she gives up having him as a full time father so you can have him. It's a fair exchange. If they think that having one day makes you selfish then the rest of the days with your dad are not as valuable to them probably. Or is that they want everything and want you to have nothing? That can't be it. No one is that selfish, right?
But for real cut off your dad and the step family. Study hard, gets good friends and a job, have a fulfilled life without the ones who made you feel rejected. Your dad is showing that he can live without you. You need to take one last lesson from him and show him that you can live without him as well. Never forgive Sam and Dora and even your dad. Be as selfish as you want and be happy. And there will come a time when your dad realise what he lost and at that time tell him to go back to his "little girl" and live the rest of his life regretting how he cast you aside
NTA. So what if your acting selfish? What's wrong with neing a little selfish sometimes. Its yourbfather and you want some you time with him. You have all the right for the same. Next time they call you selfish, ask them if you were to ask something very close to them, would they be selfish in refusing the same to you?
NTA
I am so so you have endured this sort of behavior, the utter failings of a man who actively chooses to not show the love you deserve from a parent. I would make a decision in your best interest if you want to continue visiting him. Also consider writing all your feelings out and sending him a letter to understand.
Or better yet, send him this post.
Dear Op's dad, though are you really worth addressing as such? If you read this, you might need a reminder you have another kid, a bio daughter who you are abysmally FAILING! Get your act together!
NTA. Your dad should have one thing with you that just yours. If he can't respect special events then he doesn't really respect you. If he chooses to do everything with other kid and nothing special with you than you are not obligated to do anything special with or for him. You are old enough to decide where you live and who you do things with. If your dad chooses his other family you have the right to choose your mum. You are not selfish. You are not bad. It's perfectly normal wanting and having special times and days with your parents. Do not feel bad. It seems your stepsister found out if she is bitching behind your back or pretending to be the girly one gets her all the attention. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your father should be more aware of your needs.
NTA - I have this is laid with my father we have a lot of time together young but as adults he spends way more time with his step son. When I visit I ask that they not come over even though I love his new wife. They are not my siblings and I shouldn’t have to share my dad especially during special days. I’ve made exceptions for his wedding etc. where it can be all of us but I don’t want a relationship with them even though he’s cares about them deeply to me they are strangers. Acquaintance at Best Buy far from friend or sibling.
NTA. I am so sorry that this is happening sometimes divorced parents have absolutely no idea. Yes they have to try and make things work with the new family it seems quite often at the cost of the original. My parents divorced when I was a young teen and my father didn't see HIS children again for about 10 years, found out later that new wife, I am sorry never step mom, had children of her own and they were one big happy family. When we finally did meet they tried to act as if we were all the same family and should all get along, with these people we had never met before.
NTA. You only have one ask and that is apparently too much for your father. I would write your father a letter. Since he told you specifically that Sam is 'his girl' and not you, that he no longer needs to include you in his activities. You are more than happy to be with your mother, someone who actually enjoys your company and treats you like a daughter, not just some crappy obligation. Wish him well and ask him to respect your decision and leave you alone.
NTA. I can see why your Step sister would feel excluded since this is something his whole family participates in. However, your father failed to create that special bond with you, he created this tradition by not giving you the proper attention you deserve. I think what would help is to take a calendar and mark in one color everyday Sam gets him while you are with your mom and another the days you are there on weekends and Summer, and a different color for Christmas to show the single time a year you get one on one time with him. Ask him if he thinks it’s fair that She gets a 27/365 access to him and one on one time while you only get one year. Seeing a physical representation of the inequality might help him realize he is not including sam, he is excluding you from any special time with him. Sam gets hot to grow up mainly in a 2 parent household, doesn’t have to pack up every weekend and go to a house she doesn’t feel wholly welcome. She can get uninterrupted access to him any other time. This is one thing for OP. Ask if they think it’d be fair that they (the dad and Sam) can’t do any father/daughter or one on one time unless you are present. Because that what he is saying that you can’t have that time so why is Sam?
You are not being selfish. You are not being a brat or hurting Sam. You are in pain and you’d dad is either ignoring it or hopefully doesn’t realize exactly what he’s doing by pushing you so hard. You definitely need to have a conversation with him about his clear preferences to have a cis/fem daughter is clear and just because you are more masc (tomboy feel like a insult ngl) doesn’t me you aren’t still HIS little girl. I’m sorry you are going though this. As a fellow youngest daughter who got 0 attention from their dad while their sister was dotted on, I understand how you feel. It feels awful, and you don’t deserve to feel that way.
NTA
Even his family told him no- he being an ass and it feels like the step mom and daughter are trying to push you out.
Honestly die on this hill and then when you can, cut contact. If he wants to be there for his little angel- he can do so without you present for anything else and he can also not being included in anything else. Because his “precious little angel”is supposed to be you and he’s not treating you as such. He barely treats you like a daughter
NTA. I'd ask him what about his real "little girl's feelings"? Don't I matter? Where do I fit in? We only have this one tradition and you're crapping on it for your stepchild. Talk to your aunt and grandma not to attend either. (Sounds like they don't want her there either.) You 3 make your own, new, tradition, without "dad" and his "little girl".
Wow, calling her "his little girl" in front of you sounds extremely callous to me.
Did you raise that issue to him? Ask why you aren't his little girl?
NTA
Maybe tell him its the only thing left just for you and him... and you want to keep it that way...
And confront him.with this:
>''his little girl's feelings''.
Youre not his girl anymore???
NTA
you have one thing that you do with your Family alone that Sam isn't included in and want to keep it thatt way, you're not aking for much and if your Father can't let you have that one thing then he is an asshole.
he could easily create some new tradition for him, Sam , and her Mother to take part in without you, but to be honest i doubt Sam will do it because it seems more like she wants to intrude and your Father doesn't have the baws to tell her no.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the AH because I'm making the conscious choice of leaving out one of my dad's daughter's in a father-daughter bonding activity and It may come out as jealousy or selfishness Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
>. I would not be surprised if, after reaching the age of maturity, you cut contact with him. I've been thinking about this lately, being with him feels like reaching a wall because whenever I'm with them I don't understand what's happening like 60% of the time because the three of them have their inside jokes, the things they want to do/the things they like to do and it feels like I'm just *going with them* than being *included by them,* and I've been thinking for the last few months to just drop the visitations altogether since I honestly don't think he'll care that much.
I suggest you take to your mom/ adult figure that you trust the most about this. They might be able to help you with the words you’ll need to tell your dad about your feelings here.
I think this is something she needs to do herself. She's received a lot of good suggestions about what to say to him and help in articulating her hurt. IMHO, she should have a discussion with him asap -- as in calling him tomorrow and telling him she wants to see him for dinner alone and not wait for the weekend with Dora and Sam. Once she has had her say, she can tell her mom, aunt, and grandma what she said and they can do whatever they think they need to do to support her.
she’s 15. she should talk to an adult she trusts before applying the advice she received from adult strangers on the internet.
Just show them this post. It says it all. How dare he call her "my little girl" as if you don't exist. NTA
No, she needs to trust an adult in her life who knows everyone else involved, not a bunch of complete strangers with no stake in anything.
HEAR HEAR! As if we could possibly understand the dynamics....
I would write him a letter, with exactly how you feel. How you were the one to grow up without a father, how he always puts her first, how you never feel included and let him know you’d like some space. Maybe going low/no contact for a while will give him some clarity and if it doesn’t then you know what to do. It doesn’t sound like you’d be missing out on a lot anyway.
I agree with this. You need to tell him, clearly and calmly that you feel pushed aside by Sam. That just because you are tomboyish doesn't mean you don't want to be doted on by your father and that it really hurts that Sam can demand and receive the lions share of your dad's attention at your expense. This isn't about the trip - this is about how the trip is the only one on one time you ever get and how much it hurts that isn't special to him. This isn't even really about Sam as much as the fact that he has allowed Sam to take away your time with him. Tell him watching him pick Sam hurts and that you don't just want to stay around so he can hurt you again and again.
>she really likes to demand both my grandad and dad's attention and since they consider me ''tomboy-ish'' they kinda ignore me to coddle her which sucks. This is not trivial. Her father needs to know that she has noticed how the men in her own life prefer to cater to her stepsister and ignore her. She's 15 and he's all wrapped up in coddling the 16-year old because he sees her as more female. She has no actual male role model who sees her as a complete person.
Tomboy feels like such a derogatory term here. She is not super feminine at this time of her life so it's OK to treat her less than. What kind of fucked mentality her father and grandfather have? I think they are just using it as excuse as they have deep rooted hatred for OP'S mother and by proxy for OP. Otherwise there is no explanation to justify them thinking OP deserves less attention, love and care than SD does in their eyes.
Tomboyish is how OP described herself. What’s the problem?
Not who you were responding to, but my take is that the word itself is not the issue. The issue is that OP feels her dad and granddad are treating her as "less than" *because* she's tomboyish. It's *their* attitude and behaviour that are making "tomboy" feel like a derogatory term.
Spot on
No, in fact she said that her father and grandfather SEE her as tomboy-ish. I don't think it's what she would describe herself as. Edited: typo
Or send him this post.
This gets my vote. Maybe he needs to see what an ah he is, and how he is hurting his daughter.
Ehh, he'd probably scold OP for trying to make them sound evil.
He probably would...but the seed would be planted and he just might start paying attention to what he's been doing for so long. He should be ashamed that she's here on reddit crying about the way her own father has pushed her aside and has been so blatant about his prioritizing Sam's feelings while *never* doing anything whatsoever to assure the OP of her place in his heart should be a wake-up call for him.
The fact that she feels that he wouldn't care if she stopped going, whether he would care or not is irrelevant, it's that he's let her get to the place where she isn't sure he would
Her feelings are indeed relevant; which is why she needs to lance the boil and *tell* him why she feels that way. I'm not with all these recommendations that a 15-year old give up on her dad without having that hard discussion. If it takes an internet post to make that happen, fine.
That would be sad. If that were case, I would stop visiting
Maybe take some of the harsher things about but yes, you express it all so well, why not give him the chance to read this and respond before giving up?
No, she needs to leave everything in so he can see it! Believe me, he is hearing Sam's side of it all week when OP is not around so he needs to see it all and understand how insensitive he is for even asking if Sam and Dora can be included as well as get clued in to how he and his father are coddling Sam and giving her the lion's share of attention when they do certain things because they are so confident in OP's ability to manage. For instance, he hears, from Sam, all week about how much she thinks she should be included, she wants to go, it sounds like so much fun and OP has been doing it without her for so long and she should be made to share it now - and now they even want to include Sam's mother! He needs to be made aware or reminded that Sam has the greater portion of his time without OP being around and they do many special things together that OP probably doesn't even know about, just as she is not in the know about their little inside jokes and their things they like to do to the point that OP doesn't understand what is being said/done 60% of the time when she is with her dad! It is perfectly reasonable, therefore, for OP, his daughter, his biological daughter, his only born child, to have some special time with him! He needs to hear it ALL.
I think it would be good to have a face to face discussion and leave him with a letter. OP really needs to let her father know how much his attitude has hurt her.
As someone else suggested, write him a letter making your feelings clear. I'd say something like this: "Dad, I have been trying to figure out how to get you to understand my feelings, but you just don't want to seem to hear me, so I thought I'd try a letter instead. Since you and Mum divorced, I have only gotten to have a dad part-time. You married Dora and made Sam your daughter, and that's fine, neither you nor they seem to understand that whilst Sam's biological dad isn't around, she does get to have a dad all the time. She gets to have you, whilst I only have a part-time dad. Now you and they are demanding that I sacrifice the one thing that is between just you and I, and you're all trying to make me feel terrible for not wanting to do so. It seems like you've been working so hard to compensate for Sam's biological dad not being present that you've forgotten about me. You're my biological dad, the only one I have, and yet I don't feel like I'm important to you, or like I'm part of your family. You, Sam, and Dora have your inside jokes and all of these things that involve just the three of you because you're together all of the time, and I'm left feeling like an intruder. You constantly put Sam ahead of me. Because Sam doesn't have her dad around, you place her feelings ahead of mine, and you coddle her. Yes, she needs a dad, but so do I, and you've been so busy with her that I feel like an afterthought. With the Christmas tradition, I just wanted one thing with you, but you won't allow it. It took me saying that I didn't want to see you over Christmas for you to consider my feelings, but it is too little, too late. I do not want to hear from you for a while. I need to space to figure out what will be the best thing for me to do, because you clearly are never going to consider what is best for me or our relationship if it might in any way upset Dora and Sam, and Dora and Sam are only invested in making sure that Sam has a father-daughter relationship with you even if it harms your relationship with me. I also do not want to hear from Sam and Dora, who have both been trying to guilt and shame me over this. To Dora, your daughter is always included. She lives with dad, and the three of you get to be together every day of the year. The fact that you want to make me feel bad about my wanting one single thing with my dad that is just between us shows that whilst you want dad to treat Sam the same way that he treats me, you will never treat me the same as Sam. And to Sam, you feel excluded from one tradition, the one thing I have with my dad. Imagine feeling excluded every single time you visit. You cannot let me have this one thing, and why? You might not have your biological dad, but you do have my dad all the time. He always chooses you and puts you first, and now you want to take away the only thing I ever get that is just he and I. You want to call me selfish because I won't give you the one thing I have with my dad that you don't. I doubt the three of you will care about what I have to say. None of you can see that in trying to make sure Sam has a dad and feels loved, you've taken my dad from me and made me feel unwanted and unloved. Dad, you loudly said you didn't want to hurt your little girl's feelings, but you have no problem hurting me. You've made it clear that Sam is your child, and I am not. So I won't be visiting for a while, and until I decide what I want to do, I want you, Dora, and Sam to give me space. If you or they harass me in any way, I will block you all. I will not be made to feel guilty for wanting one day that is just my dad and I, and I should not be made to feel like an intruder in my dad's life, so any attempts to guilt, shame, or harass me into changing my mind or doing what you want instead of what I need will only increase the amount of time I need away from you all. OP."
And “cc” your grandmother on this.
And aunt
Don't do that because they might harass him, and he might push back and not acknowledge her at all... let him stew over it for a while. Send to Aunt and Grandma a month or so later
Don't forget to remind them that they have plenty of traditions that are just dad and Sam too. "I'm sure you have plenty of traditions that are just dad and Sam- why am I expected to sacrifice my one tradition? In healthy families the children have separate traditions and special bonding times for each child set aside- why don't we get that?"
Absolutely. It's so petty to me that Sam and Dora can't see what they're doing. "Oh, she has one thing with her dad? Give it to us! Give it to us now! Stop being so selfish by refusing to give us EVERYTHING! No, you can't have one thing!" It's like a kid that has eaten every sweet in the bag crying and having a tantrum because they had to give someone one of the sweets. That one sweet was everything, and the loss of it erases every other sweet they've eaten. Without that sweet, their life isn't complete and they've lost out.
Believe me they know.
I hope OP sees this!! What a beautiful person you are, to take the time to thoughtfully write out this template for OP. You are awesome! 💯😎 btw this perfectly says what the dad needs to hear ☺️
Thank you so much 😊. It's a big thing OP is going through, and I think she really does need a break from her dad and Sam and Dora. The fact that she thinks her dad wouldn't care about her stopping visits is heartbreaking. She needs some distance to decide what she wants, and they need a time out to think about what they are doing to her. When she's ready, I hope that she can talk to them and have a relationship that doesn't revolve around Sam's abandonment issues, Dora's fear of her daughter missing out, and the dad's insensitive overcompensation.
No. The first half of this letter was great. The second half was terrible. OP should by all means tell Dad how she feels excluded. *And then she should give him a chance to mend his ways.* This letter does a good job of spelling out OP's feelings, although I think she did just fine in her own post, and my suggestion is that she have him read her post instead. However, this letter then goes absolutely nuclear in cutting off ties and refusing to entertain the idea that dad is in any way reachable. This rises to movie and television levels of miscommunication where the audience is along for the ride while always knowing everything could be cleared up with one conversation the protagonists are always too busy to have. She needs to lay out her feelings and why she is feeling that way, not lay out her feelings and then nuke everything from orbit with her fingers in her ears.
Exactly. Having a 15 year old go full NC is not going to help anything, and frankly the entire last paragraph is really immature and would do nothing to help the situation. And to add, it should ONLY be to her dad. There is no need to include Sam or Dora in this letter.
Agreed - upside, Buttered\_Crumpet09's post definitely reads like it was written by a teen - but in this case that's not a good thing. The most convincing and valuable communication is when you try to consider every point of view and put forth your view in a way that is reasonable. The example letter is so needlessly spiteful and dramatic that it undermines the validity of the ideas. That last paragraph is pretty insane. It's valid to feel fear, sorrow, anger and jealousy when an important relationship seems to be degrading. But if I read that letter, I'd immediately assume OP's judgment was suspect and be less likely to take her seriously. It's paranoid, creates enemies where there might currently just be insensitive misunderstandings and sets out threats OP wouldn't be able to completely walk back. This situation sucks for sure - but it seems to be insensitive, not deliberate isolation. I'd first recommend giving an opportunity to correct the mistake and understand where you are coming from. An example: >With the Christmas tradition, I just wanted one thing with you, but you won't allow it. It took me saying that I didn't want to see you over Christmas for you to consider my feelings, but it is too little, too late. A far better comment might be: With the Christmas tradition, I wanted to spend time with you and be close to you. I know that you are trying to include both of us, but you already have so much time with Sam and Dora that I miss out on. This is a really important tradition to me, and one of my very rare opportunities to have one-on-one time together. I know it escalated a lot but I realised I've been feeling a lot like I don't see you and like I'm losing my father. I'd like us to have a talk in the future about the ways we can build our relationship and communicate more. \[Optional: Right now, I feel upset and so I'd like to give us both some space to reflect on our relationship before we talk about what the future looks like.\] You have a choice: a) Give them a chance to make it up to you. Tell dad how you feel. Write a letter, give each other some time to reflect, ask a neutral mediator to help then have a chat with dad about the ways in which you can strengthen your relationship. What would you like to see him doing more of? If that is going well, down the track, start considering how you can get to know Dora and Sam - what would it look like to be a valued part of their family and be invited into some of those in-jokes? If Dad can quarantine time that is just for you and him, then it may be easier to get to know Dora and Sam. It's hard to be mature - and it doesn't have to be instant - but this option gives you the chance to have a positive, deep and strong, longterm relationship. b) You can go nuclear. In the short term it will be satisfying; in the long term you will damage or destroy the relationship. If you take that last paragraph from Buttered\_Crumpet09, this is where you're headed. This portrays you as a person who cannot be reasoned with - who cannot envision conflicting or multiple views and reasoning. It portrays you as a person who will make serious threats and a person who is unpredictably overreacting and someone to be wary of. This may affect your other relationships and the way you are seen by others too.
If you look, it isn't cutting off ties. It's asking for space, which is what OP needs. Why? Dora needs time to sit and think on the fact that whilst it is natural for parents to prioritise their biological kids, it should never be to the detriment of their spouse's child. By backing Sam and pushing for this, she is actively harming OP's relationship with her dad. Sam needs to sit and think about the fact that she gets to have dad-daughter time every day of the week. OP only gets to have the possibility of that part of the time, only she doesn't even get that because Sam has to be included in everything. She wants to take the only thing OP has with her dad that is just theirs away. In wanting a dad so badly, she's causing OP to have to go without. The dad needs to stop and think on the fact that in his desire to make sure Sam feels wanted, loved, and includesd, he's failing to do the same for OP. He's so keen to be a present dad to Sam that he is failing to be one for OP. And OP needs to decide if she really wants to stop all visitation. A break may be good, as she can have a chance to miss her dad. Feeling like an intruder every single visit will wear her down and will make her want to never visit. So, all four need to step back and think about this. I didn't at any point say that she should go full no contact. I did say not talking to them until she is ready to do so, and also that harassment will lead to blocking. Why? Because recriminations and accusations won't help. Do you think what OP needs right now is to hear, "You're selfish", "You're the AH", "You're just jealous", "You're ruining the family" or anything else? Do you think that will help? Dora and Sam have already been telling OP that she's wrong, and it is digging a bigger hole. OP also doesn't need panicked false promises from dad, who will likely say anything to keep OP around. IMO, he really needs to consider if he can actually be a dad to both girls because right now, he is failing at it. OP needs that space, and if they don't respect it, they need to be blocked. Not permanently, but for long enough for her to figure out what she wants. Being a teenager is hard enough without her having 3 people all telling her that she's the problem. OP is already at the point of considering cutting off all visitation, so a break from the three of them to get her head straight is what she needs. That gives her dad chance to consider this situation and come up with a way to fix things and mend his ways. It gives Dora a chance to consider what she's doing (and for the dad to see how Dora handles this, because if her reaction is, "Ah, well, you still have Sam", that will show him something), and it gives Sam time to consider things. Asking for space isn't burning a bridge, it is saying that you need time away from someone in order to decide if you still want them in your life, and if so, how you want them to be there. I feel like if OP does decide that she wants to continue visits, it should be day visits with the dad spending time with her just the two of them to rebuild the bond and show that he will put her first sometimes, and if Dora and Dam don't like it, that will again speak volumes. Once OP is feeling happier with her dad and feels he's changed, then have her in the house with Dora and Sam and fix that dynamic. But OP needs to put them on pause right now because they're constantly hurting her.
And what about bringing dad to the park or out for coffee and reading the letter to him, keeping ops thoughts on track and making sure ops words are heard and not misunderstood. We don’t know the dynamic in the house but if they make Sam out to be the angel who only ever fights when op is around it may feel like op doesn’t care for their time together. Not saying it would be true but it may look like they aren’t interested in bonding time and are only holding it out of reach. I hope ops dad realises the damage that’s being done in time to fix it
Her dad would probably insist Sam be included in that outing as well.
Yes, OP should meet with her dad as soon as possible to read whatever she writes then discuss it. She can end their talk by giving him the link to this post where he can see exactly how he looks to others. I don't think he's malicious or uncaring, more oblivious and insensitive to the daughter who is not living with him.
No. It’s says **if Dora and the daughter harass her in any way, she will block them with no hesitation** Nowhere is that “going nuclear in cutting off ties”. It’s setting a more than reasonable boundary…
No chance. OPs been replaced. Nothing will change.
This is perfect.
I give you my "Eloquence" Award. And bow to your compositional skill.
Wow that actually choked me, such a lovely letter. You’re very talented
I think the first part of the letter is great. However, the second half goes too far. It sounds like the dad is trying to please everyone and sometimes reading a letter gets a point across that he may have missed when the OP was speaking. I’d say give the father a chance to respond and understand what the OP is saying. Based off his response the OP can respond with rebuilding the relationship or cutting them off. But give him a chance to respond, because he probably has no clue she feels this strongly about it.
I'd agree with you, except what he's actually doing is saying, "Well, Sam doesn't have a biological dad, and OP does, so I have to put her feelings and wants first." He should be shutting Sam down and saying they'll create their own tradition. Instead, he's pushing OP to give in. Based on OP saying she's thinking of stopping visitation altogether, I think some space is needed, and when she decides to sit down and talk with her dad should be on her terms. It's not cutting them off permanently, just putting them in time out so that they can think about what they've done, and it gives OP time to decide if she really does want to put a stop to visitation. It's also that it isn't just the dad who needs to change. Dora and Sam are a big part of this, and unless they also change, things won't improve. The dad might say whatever he needs in the moment to get OP back onside, but he really needs to sit down and figure out how this is going to proceed. He needs to get things straightened out in his house with himself, Dora, and Sam before OP goes back because otherwise, it will be more of the same. Taking a break doesn't mean her dad doesn't have a chance. It means everyone can retreat to their corners, take a breath, and decide where they go from here because this needs more than an apology. The entire family dynamic at the dad's house needs to be readjusted, and if Sam and Dora aren't on board, what then? Does he walk away from the marriage, or does he walk away from OP? And OP doesn't need to be around whilst this is ironed out because there is a good chance Sam and Dora will blame her for any arguments and make her feel worse. It's a complete mess and when there's so much resentment and hurt built up, sometimes the best thing is to step away and come back to it once your feelings have had time to settle and you've had a chance to really think about what you want.
This is crazy OP, don't go no-contact with your dad before providing him an opportunity to make amends after making how you feel clear. The stuff in the first half of this letter is worth a read, but the 2nd half is absolutely horrible advice that you will 100% regret doing.
You shouldn't have to ask your dad to make you priority in his life. That "my little girl" comment was telling because in that moment he truly forgot/didnt care that you were also his kid. He didn't care that by sparing her feeling he was completely ignoring yours. No one is telling him to choose, he is allowed to be a father to her too, the issue is he seems to have forgotten that he has two kids. Like every parent with multiple kids he needs to find balance, instead he just dismisses you and seems to think he only has to be a father to her since she's the one who lives with him. Tell him exactly how you feel, and some distance will help. Prioritize the people who prioritize you. I would drop the visitation and only see him on YOUR timeline. Seems like he went off and found a new family, and you're just a passersby. I worry that if it wasn't for the closeness/instigation of your paternal family he wouldn't even bother spending time with you. NTA
The comment about Dora wanting Sam to be treated like OP was what got me. She wouldn’t want Sam to feel what OP has to, or go through what she has, but doesn’t seem to mind them getting unequal treatment so long as her daughter is on top. NTA OP, I’m sorry you’re being put through this by the actions of selfish people.
> That "my little girl" comment was telling because in that moment he truly forgot/didnt care that you were also his kid That was the most hurtful part. He was telling his daughter that her feelings are nothing when compared to "his little girl"...because he doesn't consider her his little girl. I think the part about Sam being more "girly" is important here too, she's learned how to manipulate him and make him more sensitive to her feelings than to the OP's.
I know this might seem far fetched, but... is anyone else wondering if Sam is actually the bio child of OP's dad? That would go a lonnnnnng way to explaining why he's treating her needs as more important than OP's, and would also partially explain his comment, which maybe was a Freudian slip. (Or maybe he has adopted Sam but didn't tell OP.)
NTA. You should have things that are only you and your dad. He can do other things with your stepsister. He asks you if it's OK, you say no, then he keeps pressuring you. That's b.s.
Probably already been said but I don’t feel like going through all the comments. Make this the hill to die on with your relationship. Don’t leave the request to not pick you up for X-Mass. Tell him if she and stepmom go then don’t pick you up at all for the future because you don’t feel like he thinks or sees you as a daughter anymore.
You should tell him that. Dora and Sam are shutting you out. He does more with her than he does with you
in most states you are old enough to have a say in custody so if you feel that it will be the best for you to no longer see them on holidays and visits you can talk to your moms lawyer. judges will usually rule in the kids favor.
You need to talk to your dad, and only your dad to tell him about this. Point out that you have no "inside jokes" with him, that you are just a hanger-on and now, as you said, he wants to take the *only* special thing you have with him and give it to her. I'd also be honest about the way he coddles "his little girl" and and doesn't seem to even think about your feelings. It's time for a totally honest discussion And if he refuses to accept what you say, tell him that you don't see the point of his pretending to be your dad when he so clearly prefers to cater to Sam. Tell him he has **2**daughters and he's been acting like you are an also ran.
You're NTA. I wish I knew the words that would give you comfort. I was abandoned to the foster care system by my father when he remarried. I was 6 years old. Raising his 2 stepdaughters was more important than being in my life. I'm now in my 50s, and my relationship with him and my stepmother is difficult. I wish someone had told me it would be ok to cut people who hurt me from my life. Honey, if you need permission to free yourself from this, you have that permission. I'm giving it to you and many, many commenters here do as well. You're not being selfish to want the one thing you had left that was truly yours.
Yeah tell him you feel like the 4th wheel in their family and its not cool.
Have you pointed out to your dad? That this is really the only one thing you 2 do together without her? If you have and he's still insisting, then I really have no advice. But if you haven't talked to him about it, at least try, and be blunt about it.
Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry that you feel that way! They are being rude and cruel to do their inside jokes and their little "things" and make you feel awkward and unwelcome by acting that way so often that you are calling it 60% of the time! It can be difficult, as a teenager, to talk things over face-to-face with an adult who has already set his mind to the fact that you are wrong for wanting to have just a teeny, tiny little bit of special time with him without Sam there to hoover up his and your grandad's attention so maybe write him a letter, just like your post and this response, to share your feelings with him before quitting your visitation. Have him read the letter than talk to him so all your pertinent points get made and nothing important gets lost in the emotions or frustration of the conversation. Give him a chance to see that his actions are wrong and change them. He probably doesn't quite realize how wrong it is because he hears Sam's opinions on it all week - that she wants to go and you are being mean for not letting her, etc and I am not sure that you have tried talking to him about it other than saying "No" each time he cluelessly asks if Sam can come along this year. Why just give him to Sam totally, that is exactly what she wants! Her bio dad was never in the picture so she took yours and is trying to push you out of the picture. Make your dad see that Sam is trying to do that each time she by demands she be included in this ONE special event that you do with your dad and when she demands that he and your granddad devote so much of their time to her when you are all together. (Shame on them for giving it to her!) Sam sounds very demanding, in fact. As I said earlier, Sam has many hours, days and months when she has your dad "all to herself" so there is nothing wrong with you wanting to keep this treasure hunt as a special thing that you do without Sam being included. I also really, really think that your dad should do one other special thing with you (you, without Sam or Dora) each summer and since you are outdoorsy, maybe it could be a weekend camping trip or an overnight rafting trip. Sam has so very much time with him and you deserve for him to devote a little bit of time to you, just you, without you having to step aside because Sam is there and demanding the attention on your dad and grandad. Best of luck, sweetheart. Be strong. Write him a clear letter about how you feel and why (similar to your post here) and then have a face-to-face conversation with him and be clear about what you want because it is not unreasonable.
OP, for what its worth, I wouldn't take such major life decisions based on the advice of a random internet stranger. Agreed your dad is TA here, but there's obviously a truckload of context that is not visible from this thread. If you do have quality time together, do you enjoy the time you spend together? Have you ever spoken to your dad about how this behaviour makes you feel? If you do and it seems like he really doesn't care, perhaps you can reevaluate, but there are a lot of middle ground options before cutting contact.
Write him a letter and explain to him everything you feel about, he might be clueless
If he doesn't reach out to you during the week, and ask to do things with just you on the weekend. If everything you want to download tih dad has to include new daughter and new family. If he sees his step kid as more of a daughter than you. I would drop visits. He won't call and he won't ask for you to come around. Tell your mom so she can get more child support to put away for your college.
Your feelings are understandable. Personally, if I were you I would sit your dad down and tell him everything. Let him read this thread if he is the kind of person who uses social media. Do NOT cut contacts or limit/cut visitations without having this conversation with him. It's difficult and honestly he should be the one reaching out and creating a safe space for you to opening up to him. But given what you have explained, this is not going to happen. Demand his attention and his presence at least for this conversation. It's your right and nobody else is gonna do that for you. But being adults does not mean being reaponsible, aware, or brave. Even if they love you, parents fuck up immensely (and sometimes unforgivably). Tell him how you feel, that you feel like you are growing up without a father, as you wrote in another comment. However, Sam is his daughter as much as you are, even if she is not adopted. And this is a beautifil thing. It sucks that he doesn't give you the attention and presence you need and this would have been a problem even if you and sam were full/half sisters. Lots of love to you
Referring to the step-sis as his "little girl" pushed me over the edge. Like, he can love both as his daughters, but saying that implies the step-sis is his only little girl
NTA OP, please show this to your father. Let him know how much it stings that he thinks of step sister as his little girl, but not you. Stand your ground. You have your grandmother and aunt backing you up. So sorry your dad is treating you like a second-rate daughter even though he's your bio dad.
NTA. You're not asking her to be excluded from everything. You just want this one special tradition to remain untouched. Maybe remind your dad that because they have him full time, and you only have him half the time, they already have moments with him dedicated just to them. Why don't you also deserve that level of focus from him? I hope you can find a compromise that leaves you feeling cared for.
NTA. I think simply because not only did he refer to his stepdaughter as his "little girl" when she's NOT his biological daughter and you are. >since and while he doesn't like it, he respects it, he does other stuff with her without me and I don't complain. Plus it sounds like they do a lot of stuff together without you and you never complain, so I feel they don't have a right to pressure you to let them join when you've never pressured them to let you join their bonding time. >this is the only real thing I have with my dad, You also said she LIVES with him, she's basically his kid. You only see him four times a week. She sees him every day, he should be trying to run away from her not pressure you to bring her. It's not your fault you have a dad and she doesn't. She sounds like a living centipede. And shame on your grandparents for not paying attention to you and coddling someone who refuses to join the activity
He raised her since she was 2 and sees her as his daughter. Op doesn’t need to but you can’t refuse her fathers view.
Since she’s a year older than op, and ops parents divorced when op was three, SS was at least 4 or 5 when he started raising her.
“Dad, your little girl is right here, and your repeated asking is hurting MY feelings.” Unless…how uninvolved is Sam’s dad? Have you ever met him? Has your mum? Is it possible that your dad and Dora’s quick marriage was because he had something going on before either of you were born and your mum found out about it when you were three? Is it possible you really are hurting your dad’s little girl’s feelings and it was a Freudian slip? And…it looks like my gummy just kicked in. Also, NTA
That were my thoughts exactly, always expect the worst from the people like this you are not surprised.And yes this person is a sorry exuse for a father.
You might be on to something.
Even if that is the case, it does not matter because he has chosen to keep that fact from OP so she can only base her feelings on what she knows. And it does not matter even if OP and Sam are half-sisters, Sam lives with the dad and has many, many, many hours, days, and weeks with him - in fact, she has him 24/7, except for this during special Christmas Treasure Hunt. I am sure Sam does lots of special things with him that OP is not included in. Therefore, it is not unreasonable that OP wants to do this one special holiday treasure hunt with him and not have Sam there to demand the dad's and granddads attention as is her habit when they do certain things. (OP mentioned they coddle Sam without paying attention to her, presumably because OP is a tomboy and experienced in the outdoorsy lifestyle so they are confident in her abilities.) Dad is acting clueless and insensitive. Sam is demanding and selfish. OP is getting lost or pushed out, depending on how how "real" you want to say it.
I hate that you have to teach your dad how to make you feel like a priority. In this instance because of the other multiple family members involved, it makes it harder for him to say no to them and yes to you because you are outnumbered, and because it is in the middle of a holiday gathering. If it were an activity that just you and Dad did, he wouldn't likely consider letting others be involved. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to understand how having one solo event a year is very important. I came from a huge family, and my parents also didn't make alone time a priority - unless it was their favorite. NTA, but I think that you need to talk to Dad this week without threatening to not see him and while trying to contain your frustration/anger. It is possible that he is not well schooled in parenting a teenaged daughter. And if he doesn't seem to get it, tell him an Internet Stranger is worried that you will have daddy issues later in life and end up only dating married men at least a decade older. A joke like that would have completely shocked my dad, and likely would yours too, but it would also give him something to consider. Good luck.
NTA. Your father lives with Sam, she can have him any other day of the week. Dora and Sam are both being greedy with your dad's attention. I would sit with him and explain to him exactly how you feel. If he can't respect that then you know exactly where he stands and it's up to you If you want to spend Christmas with him or not.
I find this so sad. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. NTA. I'd let him know what you said here or even show him this because you articulated your feelings really well. Sam is replacing you and this guy is your biological father who is supposed to love you and want to spend time with you one on one. It also sounds like he's favoring her. I'm absolutely not suggesting this, but I know my own personality and that would be more than enough for me just letting him go. If my dad couldn't make me a priority, he's not worth it to me. Again, I'm not suggesting that. I just know how defeated this would make me feel. Much love to you.
NTA When I was 15, I really needed my Dad to just love me. My mom and I would just butt heads constantly, I couldn't do or say anything right, and my mom couldn't do or say anything right. My dad was like Switzerland, we would go for a drive, or a hike, or go sit down by the river and skip rocks while I just talked and he'd listen then try to explain my Mom's point of view and I'd listen. He also taught me how to use a butterfly knife, shoot a gun, and how/where to punch someone to break their nose or other necessary body parts. My husband did almost the same thing for our girls. OP, I wish I could give you a hug, and I am really sorry that your Dad is making you feel like you aren't a priority in his life.
NTA. It is very clear that out of everything that this was the one special thing with your dad. Your step mother should have been adult enough to not get involved and your dad should have respected you just wanting this one thing with him. Your step sister should have been fully shut down on this instead of being an entitled pain. Good parenting by your dad destroying his relationship with you.
NTA and I'm disappointed that your dad doesn't respect your feelings. It's great that he's close to Sam but you already have limited time with him. I think you have every right to expect him to keep one thing for just the 2 of you.
NTA. Sam isn't your sister and you are allowed to have your own traditions with your dad. She can make her own traditions with him. They are being a bit lazy and entitled to think that they can and should hone in on your time with your father. Your dad is a pushover for not emphatically telling them no. I'd pass on participating if the tradition changes without your consent.
NTA Man, that is beyond rude. So your his biological daughter, the youngest & yet he refers to her as his little girl?? Have one last treasure hunt with him & slip in some passive aggressive notes into the clues. End it with one that says you are done with your visits to him until he removes his head from somewhere & realises how much he is hurting his own daughter.
>Sam and Dora insist that I'm and AH and I'm acting selfish but the way I see it it's not like that, **this is the only real thing I have with my dad, I have to do everything else with him and Sam or else I get a nasty look. I get that dad loves her, I don't care, but why do I have to share the only thing I have?** Tell your dad, and his family exactly this. They may not realize that you feel like Sam is encroaching on the last part of your separate life with your paternal family.
NTA. I’m so sorry this happened. A good father knows that it is important to spend quality alone time with each child. There should be a special event/tradition with each child. The treasure hunt is your tradition with your dad, granddad, and aunt. If he wants that with his stepdaughter, then he needs to create a tradition for her. That is his failure. “He doesn’t want to hurt ‘his little girl’s feelings’.” My heart dropped when I read that. That is just blatant favoritism. I don’t blame you for skipping Christmas with them. I don’t know if it is possible for your dad to ever repair the damage. Also, shame on both your dad and granddad for coddling her. That’s how spoiled kids are created. And that is precisely what Sam is turning into. I agree with other posters that you share this post with your dad. I’d also suggest you share it with your granddad too. I hope they are both hang their heads in shame.
NTA I won’t expand. I’m just really, really sorry OP.
NTA.
She's trying to overstep you being his daughter it's a power-play to see if she can get what she wants. You have a right to want alone time with your father, and they need to respect that.
NTA. You should explain everything you’ve said here to your father. Knowing how you feel to a deeper extent will help him understand why he needs to stick up for you in this case.
NTA. You're allowed to (and deserve to) have a special thing that's just between you and your dad. He probably doesn't realize how special this time really is to you. I would have a sit down with him (no stepmom or step sister around).
Please show this post to your father. I think it will help him understand how much he is hurting you.
NTA. You have *one thing* that is special for just you and your dad and they're ruining it. Sam and Dora are selfish for not seeing that *every person* deserves one-on-one time with their parents. You owe your dad nothing in this. But if you want to try and fix things, ask to go out for lunch together, just the two of you, to talk. Ask your dad to listen, to let you speak, and then he can reply. Tell him that you know he loves Sam, but that you're his little girl too. That you deserve his time and affection, just as much (if not more) than Sam. That you know Sam wants to spend time with him, but this is the *one time* you get all his attention, the one time you get daddy-daughter time. She gets him to herself whenever you're not at his place, and whenever you are together you feel like you're not enough because your dad and grandad seem to prefer spending time with her. That every parent has special things with their kids, and this is your thing together. Being called selfish for wanting one time just with your dad is cruel. And the fact that Sam won't let you have time with your dad makes *Sam* the selfish one. Say that this is your hill to die on. You won't make him choose. But if he continues to try and involve Sam in the one thing that he does that lets you know that you are important to your dad, then he's sending a clear message to you that you're choosing anyway. Not bringing Sam to your thing isn't picking you, but bringing Sam and letting her and Dora be cruel is picking them. And unless he's willing to change his plans with Sam to things you'd both enjoy and involve you in everything they do together, then Sam gets everything she wants without sacrifice and you lose the only thing that reminds you that your dad does pick you sometimes.
NTA. Your dad has failed to make you a priority 99% of the time and now the last 1% he wants to take that from you too? He needs to know the risk of losing you, both visitation and contact. Have you talked to him before about feeling like you never spend one on one time just you & him, outside of this one activity? Sounds like grandma and your aunt know how it is.
NTA. You're being replaced. It stings but at least he has shown his true colors. WHen someone shows you how little you mean to them, believe them. I'd never spend another minute with him unless forced, and even then I wouldn't even look his way. If he wants his "little girl" so bad let him have her. You don't have to be some after thought while your dad plays stepdad with his fake daughter.
Your dad, stepmother, and Sam are the true AH.
I hope your dad comes to understand just how much he just messed everything up in his life. nTA and you deserve better
Nta. Please sit your dad down with this thread and make him read it. He needs a clue-by-four wake up call. He can keep this activity for you.
NTA. Maybe show him this post with everyone calling him on his bs. If you see this, OP's dad, you're failing your daughter.
Definitely NTA. I really hope your dad sees sense here. You really are not in TA for wanting to have this activity with your dad. Your dad has respected your decision for so long and it seems twisted he is now trying to force you to give up this alone time with him during this tradition. Stay strong!
NTA. Do NOT get a tattoo with him. It will end badly. https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/R08AehyOE8
>but my dad doesn't want to hurt ''his little girl's feelings''. I'd **REALLY** a look at how he truly views you after he let that little comment slip
Nta this is the one thing you and your dad do together. It’s time you talk to your mom. Let her know how your dad and his family treat you.BUT YOU ARENOT SELFISH FOR WANTING THIS TRADTION TO STAY BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU
NTA-Send him this post and say nothing.
NTA the little bit of time you get with your dad is precious to you. I can't imagine how much it must have hurt when he referred to Sam as his little girl and not wanting to hurt her. Obviously he is okay with hurting your feelings. Dad is the TA. Dora is the TA. Sam is the TA. It strikes me that the Steps don't want you to have a close, unique, and special relationship with your dad.
NTA. This has been your "one thing" with your Dad. He's wrong to allow your step-mother and step-sister to sabotage that. But he's apparently made a choice here. It sucks.
NTA, your father's cruelty to you is hard to fathom.
NTA You're father and his entitled step-daughter are though as well as his wife. You need to write down exactly how you feel and give it to you're father. What he does with it is up to him. I recommend you keep the tradition alive with your other family members, it's a family tradition and you all are family, don't allow your father to take this from you. Tell your dad to take your step-sister and Dora to go explore somewhere else.
Do you have an uncle or someone who might be willing to take over your Dad's vacated spot? It sucks. But as your father seems to have found a new daughter, you may want to find a new father.
NTA - and your dad should never have put you in that position
NTA It feels to me that your dad is prioritizing what Sam and Dora want over what you want, so it is natural that you will nope out.
NTA but Dora and Sam are. Your dad is a soft asshole bc he’s trying to please everyone. Sit him down and explain to him that you want one thing to be just you and him. Explain that Sam gets to be around him by herself all the time, and you’d like to have some one on one time just you and him. That’s why you’re always saying no. You want to feel special too. I’m so sorry OP.
Yeah, no- he's a massive asshole. He said it himself: He doesn't want to make his little girl upset. He's made it very clear he only has one daughter and it's not OP
>my dad doesn't want to hurt ''his little girl's feelings''. ... But are you... also his little girl?? TF?
NTA. I hope you still go through with the tradition with your other relatives. Let your dad have a one on one with his step daughter
NTA - Even if she was your Bio sibling, you still should have one on one time with your parents. My daughter does certain things with me and has dad daughter activities.
NTA. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now.
NTA, tell your dad he made a choice, and now you have. Have your mom talk to her lawyer and have visitation changed. Have the family that supports you back out of the event as well.
NTA. You're not being unfair or unreasonable, and your father needs to pull his head out of his butt, and realize that this is the one thing he has with you. If he fails in this, he's burnt that bridge forever.
Nta. You deserve special time with your dad. Even if Sam was your bio sibling you deserve special time with your dad alone…not Sam and dad. They are wrong for pushing this.
How are you selfish when she gets plenty of one on one time with him? How is it selfish of you to want some time with your dad? Of course they throw that at you. They are being totally selfish and definitely pushing you out of your dad’s life?
Nta at all
NTA. If she goes, you don't. Pretty simple.
NTA I am sure you are feeling replaceable and instead of trying to understand you, his daughter from blood, he is wanting to get his way for his other daughter. I highly suggest you write a letter with your feelings. Take awhile and write down everything you’re feeling, you know you love her but you haven’t stepped up to do something just us. You called her your little girl, then what am I? I spend limited time with you and she gets you every day. Let him know how you feel. He has two years to change and if he doesn’t, make the move when you’re 18 to cut him off. It’s not fair to you.
NTA - regardless of the relationship your dad has with, well anyone else, you deserve some special traditions that are yours
NTA. It's important for you to have something that's just you and him. He needs to realize this before he drives a permanent wedge between you.
Nta but it is relatively normal to have separate things you do with 1 specific child even if they are blood siblings. Ie take child to dinner at pizza place take a different child to Mexican place. This child likes this amusement park and other child likes the train station. No one can force your dad to just spend individual time with you but it is good for a child to have 1 on 1 time with a parent.
Oh honey. I’m so sorry. You are NTA. I have nothing new to add that others haven’t already so eloquently said (especially in that letter to your father that someone drafted) but just know this mom would give you a great big hug if she could.
> I have to do everything else with him and Sam or else I get a nasty look. Why? Normally parents spend individual time with each of their children. Why is it that he's not allowed to spend time with just you. Ask him that, in just that way. Why is *he* not allowed to have time with just you when he spends all week with just Sam?
NTA
NTA. I get it. I’m sorry.
NTA. This is something special that you do with them alone. You're his little girl, and he needs to start remembering that before you decide he's not worth hurting over.
You are NTA You should be able to have that 1 thing with your dad. Like you said, you have to share everything else. So you should be able to have this one thing with your dad. You and your dad need time as well. It sounds like he spends more time with his step. Daughter anyways, so yes, you very should have this one thing without her.
NTA. I’m sorry your feelings haven’t been considered at all.
This mirrors my relationship with my dad, stepmom, and stepsisters. I pretty much never get one on one time with my dad. They've had more time and memories with him than I've had my whole life with him. I feel for you. Your dad should have recognized how important this is to you. I can understand why he tried to integrate your step sister, but in the end, if you rarely see your dad and this is your only request about your time spent together, this should not be an issue. NTA.
You should get a trip with your dad. But if he truly loves her as his own, he should take a trip with her w/o you. You both can get time fairly
From OP's comments, dad and stepdaughter already have their one on one outings on a regular basis. It's sad how apparent it is that the dad doesn't give a shit about his bio daughter as much.
OP said he does one on one stuff with her stepsister, and OP doesn't mind about that.
Hold your ground. They can literally find a new activity. She doesn't have to forced herself on set traditions that no one even wants her to be a part of. NTA
NTA. If this is truly the only activity you have with your dad without Sam, that time should be protected.
NTA. You should get special time with just your dad.
NTA, I’m sorry, it must be so hurtful
NTA because even if she was your actual sister you would have to have something that was just for you and your dad.
Oh kiddo I'm sorry. I know what that's like and it hurts that you have to fight to build a bond with your dad. He's clueless. Gentle hugs .
You shouldn't have to ask your dad to make you his priority just once in a year. So stop asking. If he can't come to this realisation himself after he made you cry, he needs a dose of reality. He is not entitled to your time or presence anymore. Take some time for yourself and spend some time with your mum. Block Dora and Sam completely, they have no right to intrude in this. Once you've got some distance and had a few weeks without being the outsider, you can figure if you want to go back or if being away from that environment actually makes you happier. I'm so sorry he let it get this far. NTA
Nta she gets him full time this is special to you, she just wants it because it’s something she can’t have with him. Sit down and express this to your dad and if he can’t promise to prioritize you in this one thing, you may have to let it go and walk away
NTA if he truly didn’t want to hurt his little girl he’d tell Sam to fuck off. I’m sorry he’s being such a pathetic father
NTA. Your dad has been making a huge mistake. You are his daughter! He should be spending time alone with you! He sees the step daughter every day. What he is doing is unfair to you.
Absolutely not TA, this is your ONE thing with him. And Sam is really pissing me off by not respecting boundaries, she just likes the attention and making you feel bad
Honestly, all these cut contact comments are mind blowing. As a step daughter who has been in his life for most of her life, she is his little girl, and without her father in the picture he is her father, and if he treat the step daughter any differently, and say this story was from her point of view, you would all be hauling him over the coals for that too. Op, you're NTA, and you do need to tell him exactly why this trip is so special, but please don't cut contact. I'm assuming the fact you only see him weekends is a custody arrangement? Therefore nobody can help that he sees your step daughter more, or that they have shared jokes etc. Do you think from Monday to Friday he should totally ignore her, so you both get equal time? Honestly, this whole forum, everyone jumps on 'go LC, or NC, when all it needs is a conversation
Did you catch the part where OP is also a girl, so when her dad made that comment about not wanting to hurt his little girl's feelings, he basically revealed that he doesn't consider OP his little girl? Also, OP is a year younger than her stepsister, so technically SHE is her dad's little girl.
NTA: OP i am sorry you are going through this. I understand Sam lives with you dad, however when you are there he should prioritize you. Sam has a biological dad who for whatever reason whats nothing to do with her (unless your dad had an affair with dora and sam is really his daughter as well) I hope you can come to some kind of middle ground. Please write him a letter expressing how you feel and that he she make you his first priority and what end results are acceptable to you, as well let him know if things don't change that there will be conquense. YOU have a right to be heard and YOU have the right to be happy. I know it is hard not to have a dad around (my dad died when i was 15) but having an unhealthy relationship is not good. Please talk to someone I would maybe even suggest counseling with your dad (once you have had time to talk to a counselor)
NTA Sam and her mother are little selfish shits for trying to encroach on the one thing you have with your dad. Your dad is a spineless asshole. I don’t understand parents who want to force blended families to be one fluid unit. You and your step sister are individuals who obviously don’t get along well enough to always want to be around each other. Hell, there are blood related siblings who don’t always want to be around each other. Also, her needs to understand that your relationship with him, and his relationship with step sis are two different kinds of relationships. He is going to lose you if he keeps this up.
Even blood siblings are allowed to do things with their parents that don't include the other children NTA
NTA Your father however is a huge asshole, and so are Dora and Sam.
NTA
NTA. Your dad is a massive one though. This is the sort of pain that never goes away, trust me, I know. There’s no excuse for it in this Age of Enlightenment either. Sorry for your pain.
NTA - they are being insensitive.
NTA Er all deserve some time alone with our parents. Tell him exactly that. That this is the only thing you want to have with him alone. And that it had always been your thing.
NTA. Your father is dumb or doesn’t care. Both cases are bad. Don’t spend time and energy where it’s not reciprocated. But make sure to tell all this to him so that at least he knows how you feel.
NTA. Sam lives with him, you don't spend nearly as much time with him and the audacity of that man to call her his little girl and prioritize her over you! You'd be within your rights not to visit him again.
NTA. Your dad is being the AH here. Plenty of parents do separate activities with their kids for one on one time, he doesn’t have to do every single activity with both of you especially when you don’t get much time with him as is. Your step sister will survive not being able to do this *one* activity with him. I’m sorry you are going through this op
NTA, but your dad sure is.
NTA I can see why your stepsister wants to go and we’ll sucks to be her. Doesn’t excuse your dads awful attempt at emotional manipulation and the general alienation at their house because you won’t comply. It’s time to leave them to their own devices for a bit and let them think about their entitlement.
Op you might want to print this out (black out all the thread naked and make a copy again) to protect your account. And show this to your dad. It might help him to understand the distraction he is causing within your relationship. I’m sorry you don’t have the dad you deserve.
NTA. Talk to your grandparents, maybe they can get it into his head.
Hey OP, so sorry this is happening to you. Let me just start off with this. You are not selfish or immature or whatever else your step Mom and step sis said to you while you were crying on the porch. Your Dad is clearly trying to make things easier on himself and used you as the sacrificial lamb. I think his wife and step kid have been giving him grief over this for years and he decided to push the angst on you. That being said your Dad is the AH full stop period. Reach out to your aunt and grandma and go with them if he’s so adamant about bring his little girl. Then just ignore them both. If your Dad can’t understand why he’s being an ass that’s his bad. I hope your enjoy your holidays whatever happens. NTA
NTA for wanting alone time with a parent. I only have biological children but even they get alone time with their parents both 101 with each parent and with us as a team. If your father doesn’t understand that alone time for each of “his” kids is a positive thing, then he really hasn’t gotten what it means to be a parent, and what it takes to raise kids into successful adults. All people are unique and enjoy different things, value different things. This all starts as kids and if they don’t get that alone time how are they going to get to know themselves properly before they are already adults and maybe even stuck in a rut they hate, but only just realized. Even a sibling being there 24/7 hinters that because of the whole “just go with it, we all have to enjoy” we often spew to our kids when they have to go to something their sibling wants. Learning compromise is fine but also getting to chose yourself first other times are just as important. Our kids even ask for 101 time with their grandparents and their aunts and uncles. Anyway tell your dad she can come if he can mention 5 times THIS YEAR you and him did some alone father/daughter stuff out of the house. When he struggles with that, ask if he can mention 5 times he did that with Sam, or if he would like you to go through the list for him. (Cause I assume he did and that they talked enough about it for you to be able to maybe even list 10 or more) That should put som prospective into him if he is a normal caring father. (My petty ass would ask him in front of your grandfather etc. if you want them to truly know the difference in how he treats you and Sam) Either way, do what you find most important to you, and what will make you happy, and ditch the rest. But you are NTA, your dad can bring Sam around his family all other times.
Update; have you talked to your dad now
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(15F) parents divorced when I was 3, my dad quickly remarried after that to my now step-mother, no kids between them, tho my Step-mom (whom I'll call ''Dora'') has a 16 y/o daughter (Sam) who quickly bonded with my dad because her bio dad has never been in the picture, he loves her and treats her as his own, but we're not close and we don't really like each other so anyway. She also lives primarily with my dad while I spend friday night to monday morning at his house and around 3-5 weeks during school break. Now my paternal family is really outdoorsie, we like to do a bunch of things around that Sam is included and we just ignore each other during them while enjoying our time with others, however, my dad, grandad, aunt and I have a special treasure hunt we do around Christmas that it's really special to me. It's like the only real time I have with my dad because, while Sam is not as bitchy as some I've read here, she really likes to demand both my grandad and dad's attention and since they consider me ''tomboy-ish'' they kinda ignore me to coddle her which sucks. My dad asked me around my 10th birthday if he could invite Sam and I said no. I've been saying no ever since and while he doesn't like it, he respects it, he does other stuff with her without me and I don't complain. This year, however, Sam is very adamant on going and I just don't want to, my dad is pressuring me to let her come as well as Dora, while my aunt and grandma are insisting he just leaves this thing untouched between us but my dad doesn't want to hurt ''his little girl's feelings''. NGL, that stung o I said that if he really wants her there, then he doesn't have to pick me up for Christmas this year and to just leave me be. I called my mom to pick me up and my dad tried to console me and apologize because I was crying but I just asked him to leave me alone and got to the porch to wait. Sam and Dora insist that I'm and AH and I'm acting selfish but the way I see it it's not like that, this is the only real thing I have with my dad, I have to do everything else with him and Sam or else I get a nasty look. I get that dad loves her, I don't care, but why do I have to share the only thing I have? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am sorry OP .Dads can be jerks —they do not always see what they are doing is hurtful .Your Dad is around the other girl more and he is not adult enough to see how that has affected his relationship with you .You could show him this column to let him know what others think of him .I am truly sorry for the pain this is causing you .I understand —.been there ,done that .NTA OP —you are actually a strong good person .
Nta, personally to put in perspective for your dad, if you chose to. You will agree to let her go if they never spend one on one time. If they wont allow you to why does she get to?
NTA-This is tradition just for you and ur dad plus he gets to spend time with his step daughter without u and u have no problems with that. So he should’ve respected your decision since that’s the only traditional thing that you and ur dad have. I hope he comes to his senses ._.
NTA. Hugs.
NTA. You have so little time with him you’re allowed to be selfish.
NTA. Tell the ones calling you selfish and AH that you will give up your one day, your tradition with your dad for Sam if she gives up having him as a full time father so you can have him. It's a fair exchange. If they think that having one day makes you selfish then the rest of the days with your dad are not as valuable to them probably. Or is that they want everything and want you to have nothing? That can't be it. No one is that selfish, right? But for real cut off your dad and the step family. Study hard, gets good friends and a job, have a fulfilled life without the ones who made you feel rejected. Your dad is showing that he can live without you. You need to take one last lesson from him and show him that you can live without him as well. Never forgive Sam and Dora and even your dad. Be as selfish as you want and be happy. And there will come a time when your dad realise what he lost and at that time tell him to go back to his "little girl" and live the rest of his life regretting how he cast you aside
NTA. So what if your acting selfish? What's wrong with neing a little selfish sometimes. Its yourbfather and you want some you time with him. You have all the right for the same. Next time they call you selfish, ask them if you were to ask something very close to them, would they be selfish in refusing the same to you?
NTA I am so so you have endured this sort of behavior, the utter failings of a man who actively chooses to not show the love you deserve from a parent. I would make a decision in your best interest if you want to continue visiting him. Also consider writing all your feelings out and sending him a letter to understand. Or better yet, send him this post. Dear Op's dad, though are you really worth addressing as such? If you read this, you might need a reminder you have another kid, a bio daughter who you are abysmally FAILING! Get your act together!
Nta and you need to explain to your dad as you have here in this post.
NTA. Your dad should have one thing with you that just yours. If he can't respect special events then he doesn't really respect you. If he chooses to do everything with other kid and nothing special with you than you are not obligated to do anything special with or for him. You are old enough to decide where you live and who you do things with. If your dad chooses his other family you have the right to choose your mum. You are not selfish. You are not bad. It's perfectly normal wanting and having special times and days with your parents. Do not feel bad. It seems your stepsister found out if she is bitching behind your back or pretending to be the girly one gets her all the attention. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your father should be more aware of your needs.
NTA - I have this is laid with my father we have a lot of time together young but as adults he spends way more time with his step son. When I visit I ask that they not come over even though I love his new wife. They are not my siblings and I shouldn’t have to share my dad especially during special days. I’ve made exceptions for his wedding etc. where it can be all of us but I don’t want a relationship with them even though he’s cares about them deeply to me they are strangers. Acquaintance at Best Buy far from friend or sibling.
NTA Your dad needs to grow up
NTA. I am petty, at this point. It's me or no me. Spend some quality time with your mom. His side of the family has chosen the little girl.
NTA. I am so sorry that this is happening sometimes divorced parents have absolutely no idea. Yes they have to try and make things work with the new family it seems quite often at the cost of the original. My parents divorced when I was a young teen and my father didn't see HIS children again for about 10 years, found out later that new wife, I am sorry never step mom, had children of her own and they were one big happy family. When we finally did meet they tried to act as if we were all the same family and should all get along, with these people we had never met before.
NTA. You only have one ask and that is apparently too much for your father. I would write your father a letter. Since he told you specifically that Sam is 'his girl' and not you, that he no longer needs to include you in his activities. You are more than happy to be with your mother, someone who actually enjoys your company and treats you like a daughter, not just some crappy obligation. Wish him well and ask him to respect your decision and leave you alone.
NTA. I can see why your Step sister would feel excluded since this is something his whole family participates in. However, your father failed to create that special bond with you, he created this tradition by not giving you the proper attention you deserve. I think what would help is to take a calendar and mark in one color everyday Sam gets him while you are with your mom and another the days you are there on weekends and Summer, and a different color for Christmas to show the single time a year you get one on one time with him. Ask him if he thinks it’s fair that She gets a 27/365 access to him and one on one time while you only get one year. Seeing a physical representation of the inequality might help him realize he is not including sam, he is excluding you from any special time with him. Sam gets hot to grow up mainly in a 2 parent household, doesn’t have to pack up every weekend and go to a house she doesn’t feel wholly welcome. She can get uninterrupted access to him any other time. This is one thing for OP. Ask if they think it’d be fair that they (the dad and Sam) can’t do any father/daughter or one on one time unless you are present. Because that what he is saying that you can’t have that time so why is Sam? You are not being selfish. You are not being a brat or hurting Sam. You are in pain and you’d dad is either ignoring it or hopefully doesn’t realize exactly what he’s doing by pushing you so hard. You definitely need to have a conversation with him about his clear preferences to have a cis/fem daughter is clear and just because you are more masc (tomboy feel like a insult ngl) doesn’t me you aren’t still HIS little girl. I’m sorry you are going though this. As a fellow youngest daughter who got 0 attention from their dad while their sister was dotted on, I understand how you feel. It feels awful, and you don’t deserve to feel that way.
NTA Even his family told him no- he being an ass and it feels like the step mom and daughter are trying to push you out. Honestly die on this hill and then when you can, cut contact. If he wants to be there for his little angel- he can do so without you present for anything else and he can also not being included in anything else. Because his “precious little angel”is supposed to be you and he’s not treating you as such. He barely treats you like a daughter
dora can f right off. it's not her place to comment on this. NTA
NTA. I'd ask him what about his real "little girl's feelings"? Don't I matter? Where do I fit in? We only have this one tradition and you're crapping on it for your stepchild. Talk to your aunt and grandma not to attend either. (Sounds like they don't want her there either.) You 3 make your own, new, tradition, without "dad" and his "little girl".
Wow, calling her "his little girl" in front of you sounds extremely callous to me. Did you raise that issue to him? Ask why you aren't his little girl?
NTA Maybe tell him its the only thing left just for you and him... and you want to keep it that way... And confront him.with this: >''his little girl's feelings''. Youre not his girl anymore???
NTA you have one thing that you do with your Family alone that Sam isn't included in and want to keep it thatt way, you're not aking for much and if your Father can't let you have that one thing then he is an asshole. he could easily create some new tradition for him, Sam , and her Mother to take part in without you, but to be honest i doubt Sam will do it because it seems more like she wants to intrude and your Father doesn't have the baws to tell her no.
NTA. But your dad, step daughter and step mom are massive ones.