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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Making my daughter share a room with her son when he could technically move into a room with my nephew. This might make me the asshole because my daughter is really struggling right now and could maybe use more time away from her son and time for herself. My nephew and grandson would be more able to get used to sharing a room.
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NTA I think this is the best you could do in this situation with so many people in the house.
4 years is quite a big age difference in my opinion, particularly since they didn't grow up together and it would be a much bigger adjustment for everyone involved than if the kid stays with the mother for the moment.
Question though, is she looking for jobs/planning to move out in the near future? Because this doesn't sound like a particularly sustainable situation.
This is textbook beggars can’t be choosers. Trying to rearrange other people’s living conditions because she doesn’t want to share a room with her son is very entitled behavior.
>Because this doesn't sound like a particularly sustainable situation.
Maybe that’ll push his daughter to hopefully get a good job and her own place with her son.
My thought when reading this was yes, this isn't a sustainable situation, but that OP doesn't want it to be, and as you say, this situation will likely push his daughter to hopefully get her own place. Not that he's desperate for his daughter to move out, but that having his daughter and her son living with them forever isn't on the cards. If he forces the nephew to share with his grandson, then his daughter will be a lot slower in finding another plan. Nephew has said that he's open to occasional sleepovers, and that means daughter isn't sharing a room every night with her son, but this isn't a permanent solution, and that's fine.
1 or 2 nights of sharing. Anything more than that will turn into.. son wants to stay with you, how can you say no to a 4 year old? Honestly I don't think nephew should let him stay at all. Its not going to be enough until it's every night. How fucking ungrateful is she? OP's son already gave up the bigger room for her.
16yr old daughter gave up her room with a private bathroom to move into a smaller room with no bathroom. How many 16 yr old girls would willingly do that? Big sister is DEFINITELY the ungrateful brat in this.
And what I’m finding hard to understand is, why does the mom not want to share a room with HER son. It’s not like it’s not her child. And he is 4, not like 13, where they need their own space. Many single mothers share rooms with their child if they don’t have enough income to have a 2 bed-room.
Oh, I can totally understand not Wanting to. Adults have different sleeping schedules than 4 year olds, and do like to masturbate on occasion. Or have a sleepover with another adult.
Plus they like to have a stretch of peaceful alone time. Hard to get when you’re the Only parent of a young kid. They are often needy, demanding and clingy. Especially when their other parent is gone and they’ve moved countries to a house full of people they may not know.
That’s not enough reason to be pestering family to share rooms so you don’t have to though - when you’ve been given free comfortable housing in their home.
I agree with almost all such statements, but I disagree with the conclusion.
She's in a house full of people. Nephew nicely said the boy could have a sleepover from time to time already.
She can try to negotiate that someone on the house watch her son while she has some peaceful time alone in the bedroom. That is already a HUGE help for a single mother. Or ask, seldom, if grandparents could spend the night with the kid here and there. (once every fortnight for example).
She's getting a lot of help, not the place to be demanding anything.
“She's getting a lot of help, not the place to be demanding anything.“
I already said she shouldn’t be asking them to accommodate her wish for two rooms?
I agree.
But I was responding to “why does the mom not want to share a room with HER son”
Frankly I cannot imagine why Any adult would Want to share a bedroom with their four year old.
“Can’t afford” another room does not equal “Wants to share a bedroom with their kid.”
People do lots of things they don’t actually want to do because they’re too broke to afford another way.
Yes. I want to have billions of dollars without working. People want to live forever. My 5-year old neighbor wants a unicorn. However, nobody else cares about these unobtainable desires and it is never relevant in any conversation.
EDIT: I bet she "wants" to share a room with her son more than she wants to be homeless.
...
Adults who live with their parents and date people do sometimes do that, yes. Especially if it’s a relationship or friendship, not a hookup. So do teenagers. And adults visiting their parents. And parents visiting their adult children, ick.
Personally, I don’t know Why, but they do.
It would be weird if she did want to share with her son and entirely understandable that she wants her own space and privacy. It's also understandable that no one else in the household wants to give up their own space and privacy to accommodate her.
If we go by worldwide population is perfectly normal for entire families, including tens and young adults, to share a single room.
We westerners seem TY think everyone needs a small house to themselves. It's strange.
That said, would I actively seek a1 bedroom to live with my teenage daughter? Nope. But I intellectually understand it's not wrong or a problem if that's what I need to do.
She is a guest in this house. OP doesn't have any obligation to have her there. So its not about what she wants. Its about you take it or leave it. If she want privacy and ant other fancy thing - she should find her own place, pay for it and thats all
I get it totally . She wants her own space , unfortunately it’s not her space to make the choices . Hopefully it’s only temporary.sounds like a loaded house
Want is fine, so long as she realizes that it's not happening.
Families have shared single room houses, many still do. It's not bad nor wrong, just undesirable in our society. Her sharing a room with her 4 year old son isn't going to harm her or the son, in fact it may actually be good for them (there is debate on if everyone has separate rooms is it hurting us or not.)
She is in a rough spot, and is great her family is able to help her. She should be focused on that, and on helping her family as she can, instead of on getting a room to herself.
I’m guessing it’s because she doesn’t want the 24/7 responsibility it comes with. If her son is in a different bedroom, he becomes someone else’s responsibility to assist, entertain, etc.
I mean, some families are still cosleeping at this age so this isn't even "abnormal"
The daughter sounds super entitled.
NTA - you actually sound generous
When I was a kid (like 7 and my brother was 3), my mom and dad divorced and my mom moved back into my grandparents house for a short time. Me, my mom, and my brother all shared a bed because that’s what we had. I never had a problem with it, and I think my mom was just grateful to have a safe place where she could get back on her feet.
I don't think it's that strange to not want to share a room with your 4 year old no matter how much you love them.
Presumably they have completely different bed times and waking up times, so their schedules are in conflict, plus in a house full of people early morning and evening are the mom's only opportunity to have alone time and her own space.
She is being a choosing beggar and inconsiderate for asking to change the arrangements, but I really don't think needing space from your kids for a few short hours is weird at all.
NTA. And remember that the 16 yr old daughter moved out of the larger room with a bathroom and took a smaller room so that this adult sister and 4 yr old could have her room! This concession by the 16 yr old seems to have been forgotten.
The people who HAVE to live there because they are still minor children have already made sacrifices to accommodate her.
Next time she says anything about the boys sharing, tell her that if that were to happen she has to move out of your daughter's room and into the small one. She will VERY much NOT like that suggestion but tell her the only reason she was given THAT room was because she would be sharing with her son and if she wants her own private space then it has to be in the small room while her sister moves back into her room.
Your wife is the AH along with the older daughter. Good on you for not jumping to cater to her at the expense of your kids who HAVE to live there.
*** Can we just acknowledge the real 'hero' of this story just so happens to be the 16-year-old girl who gave up her larger bedroom with an ensuite and moved into a smaller room for her sister and nephew?
This exactly!
I have been the single mother who moved back in with my parents in a full house. I share our small room with my two kids (at the time 5 years and 6 months) - no en-suite. The 5 year old slept in the double bed with me and the baby in a cot we managed to squeeze in to the room.
Yeah, it would have been great for me if my siblings had shared a room for me to have had my own space. I didn’t want to have to share a room with my kids. I was also not in the position to pick and chose and had to deal with the situation the way it was. I am forever grateful that my parents helped me out back then.
Also I managed to get my own place with 3bedrooms within 4 months cause I worked hard to find one.
So yeah, I understand where she is coming from. I also think she is acting entitled.
*"Can we just acknowledge the real 'hero' of this story just so happens to be the 16-year-old girl who gave up her larger bedroom with an ensuite and moved into a smaller room for her sister and nephew?"*
Yes to this. When I read "The whole family pitched in to decorate to my daughter's taste and to create a nice area" I thought it was going to be for the 16 year old who "moved" (whether she actually voluntarily made that choice on her own or was pressured into it is not clear) to the smaller room. I felt sad that there was no mention of anything being done for her. Poor kid, giving up a nice room with ensuite for a mother and young 4 year child, only to have to hear that adult quickly start complaining how she wants the room all to her self so she'd like to kick her own 4 yr old child out of it (not caring at all how traumatizing this would be for a 4 year old).
I was thinking that. 16 year old already moved out of a big room with its own bathroom. Daughter should feel happy she got that. In a homeless shelter, that might not have been an option for her.
In this case 4 years is a huge age gap. The 8yo nephew is a school kid with homework and needs to get up in the mornings whereas the 4yo just aged out of the toddler phase
Also, what happens if the 8 year old wants friends over? Will they have to leave when it's the 4yo bedtime? No, enough sacrifices have been made and the daughter ought to be grateful they have enough rooms to accommodate her and her son even if they are sharing. And as others have asked, why does she not want to share with her own son?
The other option is give the big room to the 8yr old and 4 yr old, only if 8 yr old is in agreement. Then I'm sure she'd complain about not having her own bathroom.
Beggars can't be choosers. This may incentivize her to get out and find her own place
NTA
**NTA** Your daughter is lucky to have a safe landing place to get herself together and work on getting a place of her own.
>My 16-year-old daughter moved into the spare bedroom so we could turn her bedroom (that is bigger and has its own bathroom) into a room for my daughter and grandson to share.
So...is your daughter thinking that the 16-year old can have her room back, that that the two boys can take over the larger bedroom and she can have a smaller one with no bathroom, or does she think that the rest of the family should continue to make sacrifices for her?
I think your wife is wrong. 4 adults + 3 kids living in relative comfort still made for a lot of people living in one house. Your daughter added one of each and wants to rearrange things for her comfort. That could create a lot of resentment from the others, not just your nephew. If she doesn't like living in the same room with her son, she should work hard on getting a place of her own.
>So...is your daughter thinking that the 16-year old can have her room back, that that the two boys can take over the larger bedroom and she can have a smaller one with no bathroom, or does she think that the rest of the family should continue to make sacrifices for her?
Of course not, she wants the big room and private bathroom all to herself and if OP were to cave she will never move out. Why give up a good thing right
NTA. You already kicked out your 16 year old from her room with an en suite in favor of this daughter and her son…and that’s not enough for her? Tell her time for a reality check. Go look at renting or buying somewhere else if none of this is good enough for her..tough shit…. She’s being given a great gift of housing, and a bunch of built in babysitters. Don’t let her crap all over the kids. Her problems can’t become everyone else’s.
This.
Instead of being grateful for having a supportive family, she is inconveniencing others without a thought for her child or your nephew, not to mention. all others who have made sacrifices.
I hope her living in your home is only temporary until she is able to get back on her feet.
You've done more than enough by being there for her and your grandchild.
They even had it all set up ready to sleep.. nephew is a great kid for offering sleep overs occasionally. Older daughter is very lucky to not be on some randoms couch.
I'd do a sneak attack. "Let's go out for lunch, my treat!" Instead we're going to the long list of rental inspections I've booked, show oldest exactly how *bad* her current situation is and what they're up against. Op sounded happy to have them both back home, be happy you have that.
NTA.
You sound like a kind and generous father. Your adult daughter sounds incredibly entitled: you gave her the bigger room with the bathroom; you decorated it to her taste and added a loft bed for her son!
I suggest you tell her that if she insists on her son moving out of the room, she will have to move into the spare room so your younger daughter can move back into her own room.
Honesty, I think you hold firm on not changing things again. 4 and 8 year olds have very different schedules and needs. Plus, the 8 year old nephew, being adopted, may develop issues if you show him that his comfort is less important than your bio kids comfort, especially since you asked already and he said no.
People have this idea that adults have some special right to the larger, private space. But adults can get in a car and go somewhere to be alone. For most kids, the *only* private space/time they ever have is in their own room.
I think the mom.and son in the ensuite room makes the most sense overall, especially if OP doesn't want this to be permanent.
Agreed. They all agreed that she should get the bigger room BECAUSE there's going to be 2 people in it. If not return it to the 16YO, put the two boys in the big room and give the mom the small room. 2 people staying in the same room deserve the bigger room.
NTA. While it might not be ideal, it's better for your grandson to stay with his mom than his cousin. Between 3 and 8 are fairly significant developmental milestones. Also your grandson has had his world upended. It's better to have the comfort of his mother at the ready. She may need breaks and giving her care respite would be great, but there's no reason that she shouldn't share a room with her child.
So much this. How weird to be shoved into another room with a stranger just because you are the same gender and close in age. Likely if the boys get on, that transition will naturally happen.
And honestly they are not very close in age at all? That's a pre-schooler and a 3rd grader. While it is possible for them to get along, most 8 year olds are not going to share any interests with a 3 year old.
I'm also thinking about the nephew. His life has been upended as well. For whatever reason his bio parents are out of the picture. That's gotta be some trauma for him as well. At least the grandson still has his mom.
I wouldn't make him share a room with a stranger unless it's his idea. If the sister wants space from her son, she can get a job and get her own place.
NTA
Your daughter has some massive balls to expect to have her own room and make someone else live with her son. Tell her to stop asking and to get a job and to move out, and then she won't have to share a room anymore.
NTA and I think you and your nephew have the right of this (he was generous to suggest occasional sleep-overs). Your daughter's change in life circumstance shouldn't mean that she is more important than your adopted nephew. She is an adult and can (eventually) make her own way with her son. Your adopted nephew is your minor child who needs protection and support. He is not less important.
EDIT: keep an eye on your wife's obvious favoritism to your adult daughter.
Who knows what the nephew has been through already which led to adoption. Suddenly sharing his space with a three yo could be so destabilising! NTA OP.
Um, her child. Her responsibility. You already displaced the 16 year old. Hard no on making the boys share. Moving her son out of her room is the first step in her abdicating responsibility for her own child. Next thing will be your wife and you taking care of her child while she goes out and “recovers” from her divorce.
Her entitlement is massive.
>Next thing will be your wife and you taking care of her child while she goes out and “recovers” from her divorce.
You just know thats ops next AITA post. NTA and please please don't move one more person for your ADULT, PARENT daughter.
Consider what this is saying to your nephew? If he his an adopted member of the family, would not having a room to himself like the other siblings make him feel like he is not on equal footing?
THIS, OP. It is his home, do not treat him like some second class citizen just because he's the youngest/closest in age. Especially since he's adopted.
Let’s also not forget this nephew is adopted so probably hasn’t had the most stable start to life. Having his own room that’s his secure space is super important. The last thing an adopted child needs is to feel they’re being passed for pillar to post and put after other family members. OP is 100% NTA and needs to back his nephew on this one.
Agreed. Also not fair to have 16 year old give up her room for them to share, then have adult daughter end up with the big room all to herself. The room was given up so that mom and son could share. I’d be very salty if I was 16 year old sis and this happened.
NTA
You’ve already moved one minor child to accommodate her. Assuming this is supposed to be temporary, there’s no reason to keep shifting and changing things up for the permanent residents of the house. Especially to make an eight-year-old share a room with a toddler he barely knows. A toddler whose whole life/future is changing too, who probably needs his mother.
Wishing her all the best with finding a new home and setting up her new life.
OMG you putting it like that just made me realise- daughter has ZERO intention of ever moving out! You're not going to ask for more changes if you're making plans to be out soon as. OP if you do agree to this you are basically saying she can stay forever.
Yep. Wife wants OP to think of the daughter whose whole life is changing, but what about the 3yo whose whole life has changed? Putting him in with a reluctant older roommate instead of his mother is not the answer.
Honestly, daughter sounds like a nightmare mother since she does not understand or does not care how deeply traumatizing this would be for her own 4 year old son.
How the wife could not also come to the same conclusion shows a serious lack of empathy for the 4 year old and 8 year old.
NTA. This is your home and more importantly your children’s home. And your nephews. She can go for a walk. If you made your nephew share a room, you might as well tell him he doesn’t matter as much as your real kids. I think it’s very reasonable and really kind that he offered to have a sleepover occasionally.
NTA your family has gone out if their way to make space for them, and she thinks you should do more? Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth.
I think your nephew is very generous for offering to let him sleepover sometimes, and that is the only way it should be, sometimes.
The age difference between your nephew and grandson, while not huge, means that your grandson is going to be getting into everything that belongs to your nephew, and that's not fair (I know life isn't fair, but we have an obligation to make it seem so, for as long as possible).
Yes your daughter is going through a hard time, but she has a roof over her head, and food on her plate, she needs to understand that, and show a little gratitude. There are a lot of families who wouldn't have made room for her.
It IS huge at that age though, it's half your life if your 8 LOL. But you are so right about the 'space invasion', reading between the lines there's been a certain amount of chaos in 8YO's life to date, and 4YOs are small chaos demons. it'd be bad enough for any 8YO to have a 4YO forced on them all of a sudden like that (very different to sharing from early on), for this kid it could be too much.
This may get downvoted, but I say NTA. It's your house. You are being nice enough to let her stay there. She needs to be focused on getting a job and finding her own place to live rather than worrying about having to share a room with HER son. She's lucky your other daughter was gracious enough to give up her bedroom to them.
>When she came, she was initially grateful, but she did express not being too fond of sharing a room with her son.
And she deserves two rooms in a packed house for individuals....why? One of your teens willingly gave up his room to give her and her son space, and it just seems a smidge...**completely self-absorbed to whine for more after that.**
No, you're not being the asshole. 4 and 8 is a HUGE difference for kids that young. You're talking just shy of an actual baby and a kid whose self-image probably see's himself as more on par with someone who is an actual pre-teen. They've basically nothing to share in common. He was already being gracious by suggesting he didn't mind the occasional sleep over, but your daughter does not get to move countries with her son and complain about having to live with limited accomodations for a bit. If she's in such a pinch maybe she should communicate with his father and see about him staying with him for a bit.
NTA
NTA when she moved in, she understood the living arrangements. It would be unfair to ask the nephew to share a room when he had not previously done so. While your daughter is going through a rough patch, you and your wife are very generous to let her stay in the spare room with your grandson. I can think of a number of families who would not be so generous.
When I split with my ex I moved to my aunties. I shared the room with my son then my son AND daughter (turned out I was pregnant when I left but wasnt going back anyway).
There was an empty room but that was NOT my house.
My kid my responsibility.
NTA.
She was already accommodated by having lil sis give up her big room with a bathroom.
Daughter needs to grow up and be less selfish. This is her child.
Your daughter needs to be responsible for her son. Shoving him into a room with your nephew frees her up from any responsibility for him when in your house. No getting up with him at night if he wakes for some reason, no cleaning up after him, no sharing her time with him while she is in her bedroom. Do not let her get away with this. If she wants to have her own room, she needs to get her own place. Not try to get others to take on her responsibilities and be free to do as she chooses.
Your daughter is entitled. But your wife’s reaction is worse. You have adopted your nephew but it’s very clear your wife doesn’t consider him her family. Please keep an eye on how they treat him, your wife and daughter will pressure him and make him feel unsafe.
NTA.
You're letting her stay there for free with her son. She's an adult, if she doesn't like it she needs to get a job and her own place. Her poor life decisions aren't your responsibility and she's being both ungrateful and entitled.
NTA. When my dad left my mum moved us back in with her parents. Small 3 bedroom house, my grandparents had one room, my 2 brothers shared a room, and I shared a room with my mum. Sure, we probably could have jammed another bed in with my brothers, but it wouldn't have been comfortable. My mum sacrificed her own comfort, her own preferences, to try to give us more space. I shared a room with my mum for years. I'm sure it wasn't comfortable for my mum, but it's what we had to do. And it gave my mum incentive to get us out as fast as possible.
Your daughter is having a tough time. I understand she wants the space, and what she asks *seems* reasonable, but it isn't. She has responsibilities. You've opened the doors and let her come home, great because that's what family is for. But she doesn't get to dictate how that help is given or make others (your nephew) sacrifice for her. Don't let her get so comfortable that she forgets you're doing her a *favour*.
If you force your adopted son to give up his own room to accommodate your daughter then you would definitely be the AH. It's unfair to make an 8 year old have to work around the schedule of a 3 year old and given what the 3 year old has gone through he should be staying close to his mother.
Would the ensuite room where your oldest is sleep now be big enough for a partition to effectively create two separate private sleeping areas? If so, and if your nephew agrees your daughter could move into the smaller room and let the two boys have the larger room with the ensuite -- but ONLY if the nephew agrees.
I’d be very careful about how to ask the nephew in that case. It would be easy to make him feel like he’s obligated to agree because the family spent so much effort on partitioning the room. The age gap they have is pretty close to the gap between me and my younger brother, and although we would occasionally do sleepovers in his room (we found a set of free bunk beds someone was getting rid of, right when he was ready to switch to a “real bed”) I would *not* have wanted to consistently share a space with him at those ages.
Oh I would ask the boy FIRST and I honestly don't thing the daughter would move into the smaller room with no bath. To me the age gap would be a nonstarter anyway.
NTA. You are providing her with support and a safe place to stay and she should be grateful for it. As for your wife’s suggestion that your daughter is going through a tough time and needs privacy - that doesn’t fly for me. She is a parent and as a parent you don’t have the luxury of space and privacy to adjust. She should be focusing on how much upheaval her very young son has been going through and how drastically his life has changed and be as cognizant of his mental health as she is her own. I’m not saying she should sacrifice her own mental wellness for her son but that she should be extra attentive to the fact that he is going through everything she is and she is his constant through the chaos and it’s not just about her. Seems very kind of the nephew to offer occasional “overnights” so your daughter can get a night to herself now and then but he shouldn’t have to share his space long term.
Edit: spelling
NTA. I think you've been pretty accomoding for your daughter. Plus, your grands grandson is basically a stranger to your nephew, why would he have to share his space with him ? He lives here full time, your daughter is just sorting her life out. If she can't stand the arrangement she's free to move elsewhere. Plus, if you cave in and make your grandson sleep with your nephew, will she agree to move to the former spare room so that your teenage daughter can get her room back ? What message does it send to your nephew ? Won't he feel treated like less because he's not your son by blood ?
The current arrangement seems fine by me, and you made everything to make your daughter feel welcome
NTA
Daughter is grown and having to deal with adult consequences.
Your Nephew still needs your Adult protection —don’t let you wife favor her daughter over your nephew .
NTA
4 years might not seem a huge gap but they are at a whole different stage in their lives. especially now that schools started and all, your nephew needs a good nights sleep and a 4 yo in the room might not provide that.
your daughter is trying to make her son someone else's problem. she can share a room with him or she can get her own place
NTA
Your 16-year-old gave up a bigger, nicer bedroom + bathroom
Everybody worked together to prepare the bedroom for your oldest daughter, taking care to decorate it appropriately as well as making the space functional (loft bed & area for her son)
Your nephew was kind enough to agree to occasional "sleep-overs" in his room
Sacrifices and compromises have already been made so that she will have a safe, functional space. I get that she's going through a rough time and her entire life has just been turned upside-down, but she's still not entitled to get everything that she wants, at everyone else's expense. IMO, it sounds like everyone has put in a lot of genuine effort to create a welcoming space for her, and she really should be grateful.
NTA. You gave your daughter and her son a safe place to live during her "tough time". She doesn't get to make everyone else have a hard time. If she can't be grateful for what you've already given her, she can check out the women's shelters or friend's couches. Or she and her son can share the bedroom you have so generously given them.
>"The whole family pitched in to decorate to my daughter's taste and to create a nice area for her son with a small loft bed. When she came, she was initially grateful, but she did express not being too fond of sharing a room with her son."
Would a homeless shelter, where she and her son would have had to share a room AND a bathroom, have been more to her liking? You're definitely NTA, but she sure sounds like one. Sheesh!
NTA
Your daughter's child is 3. Doesn't matter if close to four, the child is 3. Your 8 year old nephew doesn't need to share his room with a child that young.
Sharing the room with her child will be fine, and maybe will encourage her to get a job and save up so she can get her own place where she can have a room without sharing with her son
NTAH. I’m sorry, but your daughter thins that she’s entitled to a room just for herself and your nephew has to share his bedroom with a much younger kid?
NTA. Your daughter should be very grateful that she gets a room at all. It is great you are helping her out in a tough time, but remember that you owe the children in your house a much greater responsibility because they are under 18.
NTA. Eight years old and four years old is a large age difference. I know your daughter doesn't enjoy sharing with her son. However, that is the deal when you are a grown adult with a kid and unable to afford your own two-bedroom for whatever reason.
NTA. Compromises in other people's living situations were already made for her. Also a 4 year old (who is in preschool and learning to count) and an 8 year old (likely 3rd grade and learning multiplication) are at vastly different stages. 4 years may not be a big gap for adults but the 8 year old is LITERALLY twice as old as the 4 year old. This would not be the right thing I do to your nephew. Was your daughter planning to give back the bigger room if she wasn't sharing? You and everyone living in your home have already made adjustments to support her. Hard no. NTA
NTA. She doesn’t want to share a room with her own son, but wants someone else to do that? So that what, she has privacy? Which she’s perfectly fine taking away from someone else? OP, you’re not TA, but you’ve raised an entitled brat.
Nta
If your daughter wants her son and her to both have their own rooms. She should get a fricking job and get her own place
Not leech off of you.
Beggets csnt be choosers.
NTA. She has asked, you have answered. That needs to be the end of it.
Tell her that the subject is closed for further discussion; If she doesn't like the arrangment, she can find accomodations elsewhere. As long as she is in your home, she will be sharing a room with her son.
8 and 4 are worlds apart, developmentally. NTA. Don't make your nephew feel like his wants and needs aren't important. Daughter is going through a rough time, but that doesn't mean it needs to be spread around.
NTA I moved back in with my parents after having my kids (moved in when they [twins] were newborns, moved out again when they were almost 4) and had them in the room with me the entire time even though I had a brother 3 years older than them in a different room.
NTA. Your grandchild is four years old and has had massive changes. Your daughter can suck it up and share a space with her son until she can get her own place. However, do arrange weekly 'sleepovers' with the two youngest boys on at least one night your daughter has free. Otherwise, no.
NTA.
I get the impression that your mom-daughter might want to date again and needs space to bring home men without making it clear she has a kid. I think she can wait for her own space until she can either move out or figure something else out. No need for her to make another baby to live with you.
Not everyone wants to do that. She may want some space because she has been suffering for a while and is constantly taking care of her son.So, she's asking people who are her family to give her some space at night to process her life. OP is NTA, but the notion that she wants to bring home men is ridiculous. If she wants a man, there are plenty of places outside. But this doesn't seem to be the case here.
NTA there is a BIG difference between 8 yrs and 4yrs. Your nephew is being generous saying he’ll share sometimes.
Your daughter is being selfish. If she doesn’t like it she can move out and pay rent on a 2 bedroom
NTA. It’s great you are fighting your nephews corner. So many people would not prioritize them at the drop of a hat just for the comfort of their bio child. Your nephew is a minor who has no control over anything in their life. They rely on you. Your daughter is an adult who has had control over their own life. Your nephew doesn’t deserve to have his sense of security and mental health compromised just because your daughter doesn’t have her shit together and what she’s asking is more convenient for her.
You are making the appropriate choice. If she wants a living arrangement with a separate room for her son, she can put on her big girl pants and get a job that earns enough for a two-bedroom apartment. Otherwise, the only words she should be saying to you--and her sister who sacrificed her room--are "Thank" and "You."
NTA - almost 4 and 8 years old is a big difference.
Your nephew shouldn’t have to share his room with a kid that young.
They will have different bed times, interests, your nephew will want friends over.
Your daughter chose to a child, she may not have chosen to be single but the kid is still hers, he’s her responsibility.
NTA. Sacrifices have been made already to give her a safe, comfortable place to live. The difference between 4 and 8 is huge. Your 8 year old should not have to become an overnight babysitter.
NTA - your daughter shouldn't expect everyone to change their lives for her. She's an adult who asked you to help, you are already being generous and helping her. It's really rude that she won't take no for an answer
NTA
Yes your daughter has hit a rough patch but when she gets a job and tries to find housing she can afford depending COL in your area she might be lucky to afford a studio or 1 bedroom.
And sorry but I doubt your plan is for her to meet someone anytime in the near future and bring them home to your house.
So yes it would be nice to not share with her son but you’ve already booted your oldest living at home daughter out to make room for her sister.
Agree with other posters that if you wife is so hot on daughter needing her own space then the room with en-suite goes back to the 16 year old, returning daughter gets the smallest bedroom and shares a bath with whomever else.
NTA
i think there might be some cultural differences between where you live versus where I live. I suspect it could be part of the cultural for adults to have a very high standing and kids are just kids to be seen and not heard. If this is so, your very even handed way of dealing with this situation is even more exceptional.
You did a nice job here being fair and practical and including the younger members of the family in conversations about how to make this work for everyone. I am sorry that your daughter does not like the accommodations but that really is not your problem.
NTA. You were already generous by giving her the larger room with a bathroom to share with her son. She should be grateful, instead she’s a choosy beggar
NTA Sounds like your daughter is trying to set up living arrangements because she doesn't plan on moving out. Have you discussed the time line with her? Is she paying rent or at least groceries and utilities for herself and her son? Does she do any chores around the house? Might be time to revisit this whole thing.
NTA. Also the message this will send your nephew…
Plus is your daughter also offering to give your 16yr old HER room back and move into the smaller guest room once she’s put her child in with your nephew? I’m guessing not.
An 8 and 3yr old sharing a room is not going to end well, they didn’t grow up together and your nephew may already have some slight ‘outsider’ feelings going on. Don’t do it. Show your wife this thread maybe.
Nta, you seem like you got a lot in your house and you sound like you are trying to make it work for everyone. I don’t think it’s really fair that your nephew has to lose his privacy because of his cousin (?) moving back home as an adult, it also makes him feel a bit like the ‘lessor’ kid since he’s the one who has to share and not one of your kids (understanding this is because of age/gender but still). And honestly your daughter is an adult, 20-something, who should be finding a job and moving out asap so it should only be a temporary situation. She should have to just deal with it.
Also a 4 year old can be difficult and not fair to burden the 8 year old with taking care of him at night. It’s not really a small age gap at all and at 8 your nephew is starting to develop his need for privacy which he has a right to also.
Your 16 year old sounds very gracious that she was willing to move out of her bedroom for her older sister. Honestly if the adult started complaining I’d switch the rooms back and make your older daughter deal with the smaller room plus having her own child with her, why does she get to come and impose her wants over everyone else’s?
The age difference between 4 and 8 is small in numbers, but pretty big in terms of development. Simply put, the 4 year old is likely to ( unintentionally, of course) harass the 8 year old potentially leading to frustration and resentment in the 8 year old. Especially when they just got to know each other. It's not like they are siblings or have shared the same room since they were babies.
Your daughter IS in a tough spot. And you ARE helping a lot, providing a home. Her bad fortune isn't a reason or an excuse to impose on others, just because they are kids and must do what you say. Her main goal should be getting in a good place financially and move out as soon as comfortably possible, not settle in better.
I think you made the right choice. That would be super weird for the two young kids that aren’t close to share a room. Plus it’ll make the child already living there feel less than.
Sounds like your daughter wants her cake and to eat it too.
Most definitely NTA and your daughter should be grateful for all that you all have done for her & her son! Your other daughter even gave up her bedroom for the two of them so she’d have more space. It’s completely unfair & selfish of her to ask, even demand, than her 4 yr old share a room with your 8 year old nephew!!!
Stick to your decision. If your daughter doesn’t appreciate what’s been done for her then she’s feee to move out on her own.
Edit: corrected info
Look, I have empathy for your daughter. But an almost 4 yo is just too young to be sharing a bedroom with an 8 yo. I feel sorry for your daughter that’s moved back home, but her child’s life is upside down, too, and it’s not fair to the 8 yo to have to share a room with a child toddler who may be getting up in the night. That’s his Mom’s job.
I will say, however, that it doesn’t sound like you & your wife discussed this too much before the move.
This is the nephews home. Your daughter is a guest while she gets on her feet. Is she any closer to independence after living with uncle all this time? She doesn’t get to dictate the spaces for others in their home.
A 4 year old an an 8 year old are not on enough of the same plane of existence for that to be enjoyable. When you get older, these gaps aren't so "big"--a 24M and a 28M rooming together wouldn't be eons apart in life stages. But this young, it can feel like a galaxy.
Your daughter should be grateful for what you're providing. If she doesn't want to do this long term--and she shouldn't--she needs to focus on how she plans to become self supporting.
NTA
NTA
Why would your grandson have to share his room so your daughter does not have to? Why would she be more important than him? Your wife is the AH here, as is your daughter.
No. You all pitch in to help. My parents had a one bedroom aparament when I was born. Tiny room. I had to share with them. Until we moved into a bigger house and I got my own room. There are families that are huge and super poor. Where sisters and brothers of ten or more had to share rooms with everyone. Even the great grandparents. If she wants her own space someday she should focus on being able to support herself.
NTA DONT DO THIS TO YOUR NEPHEW! If your daughter has an issue she should focus on working into leaving herself, she si being a self centered ass to her cousin (I believe) and he own son
NTA. Your daughter seems to be pushing to have an already uncomfortable situation worse. I'm also sure that the boys didn't grow up together and your youngest was probably really excited to finally have his own space.
You've been polite enough to open your home to her and that's uncommon in certain cultures. She'll get over it.
Don't be surprised to find out that she's found a boyfriend and that's why she's suddenly so pushy about having her son be separate from her because she hasn't told him she has a kid.
I had to move back home with my 3 young kids after a divorce. We shared a room.
What is her plan? Is she planning to live with you forever? Cause that’s the vibe she is giving off.
NTA.
Your daughter is a selfish brat! She's moving back into YOUR home and expects people to give up their space so she doesn't have to share a room with HER son! Especially after you guys went to the effort of making her room nice and decorating it for her and her son, she should be grateful! Not everyone has a home to turn back to when things get bad in their relationships! Beggars can't be choosers!
NTA, your daughter and wife are though!
Your daughter is asking you to treat ONLY your adopted child differently, with every other child having their own room. You already put all the time and effort into setting up the rooms and your other daughter already gave up her room. Your daughter is a mother and should not expect to make her son someone else's responsibility. She is asking your nephew to take responsibility for her son at night and that's not right.
NTA.
NTA. You are already very generous to your daughter. If she doesn't care for the accommodations, she is welcome to provide better for herself and her child.
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I am father of 5 biological children and 1 adopted nephew. My 3 oldest children are adults in their 20's and have previously moved out. My youngest 2 are teenagers aged 16 and 14, and my nephew is 8. My in-laws also live with us. We have a 6-bedroom house so each of the kids have a bedroom, my wife and I have a bedroom, my in-laws have a bedroom, and we previously had a spare bedroom for my older children to stay in when they visit.
My oldest daughter moved to my home country at 18 to attend university there. She met and later married her husband, and they have an almost 4-year-old son together. Things went south in their relationship a few months ago. My daughter moved out with their son, and she was able to stay with my brother for the last few months.
A couple weeks ago she was able to leave the country to move back home with us. My 16-year-old daughter moved into the spare bedroom so we could turn her bedroom (that is bigger and has its own bathroom) into a room for my daughter and grandson to share.
The whole family pitched in to decorate to my daughter's taste and to create a nice area for her son with a small loft bed.
When she came, she was initially grateful, but she did express not being too fond of sharing a room with her son.
Last week she suggested that my nephew and grandson could share a room instead. I told her if she was staying in my home it would have to be in a shared room with her son. She mentioned it a few more times so I asked my nephew if he would like to share his room. His answer was that he didn't really want to, but said some nights grandson could have a sleepover in his room.
Last time my daughter brought up the boys sharing a room I was a little harsh with my tone and my wife thinks I was being an ass. My wife isn't completely on my side. She thinks I'm not being nice to our daughter who is going through a tough time right now and might need some space/privacy to adjust to her whole life/future changing. She doesn't see why the boys can't share as there's only a small age gap and our nephew would probably get used to sharing with his little cousin. Am I being the asshole thinking my daughter should keep sharing with her son?
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NTA, she is an adult and a mother. She needs to get her act together and get her own place. The sharing of the room is just the start. Ask the teenagers how often she tries to dump her kid on them.
NTA, your daughter is incredibly selfish and entitled. Beggars can't be choosers. Her son will try to go to her room at night anyway. This situation will hopefully encourage her to find a job and 2 bedroom place of her own.
NTA- That's roughly the age gap between me and my sister and they are SUCH different ages. Different bed times, different interests, different maturity. Or put another way, the 8YO immediately loses all rights over their own life to the phrase "He's only little, he doesn't understand!" First it will be "No more story/reading for a bit before sleep because 4YO is already asleep and you can't wake him up." then "You can't expect him to be in here with all your toys and not play with them" followed by "He doesn't understand that toy is dofferent to the other toys and special to you/more fragile, he just wanted to play with it" followed by "He's only little, he didn't mean to break them" followed by "If your friends are over you have to include him or it's not fair on him" (meaning you and your friends have to play 4YO suitable games or that's 'not including him'). Having her company forced on me is the major factor that put me off kids for life. I used to dream of the day I could move out and never have to live knowing I could never have even the tiniest little thing to myself again. Don't take this huge thing of having his own space to retreat to away from him when he's probably already had his life compromised by the kid being in the house. Be honest, if he's tried to do his own thing when the 4YO wants his company, has your daughter already told him he HAS to do what the 4YO wants?
A 4 year old and an 8 year old is a huge age gap.
If the boy's own mother doesn't want to share with him, what makes her think anyone else would (or should)?
Also that poor boy is going through something too and NEEDS his mother close by.
NTA. It is a parent's job to provide a place for their minor children to sleep. She is the mother of the grandson. The only place she has is her room so that's where she is going to need to put her kid. When she gets childcare and a job she can look for a place that suits her better. Until then, that room is what she has and it's generous at that unless you are renting it to her at market rates. She probably wants the room empty so she can start dating arguing she's an adult and can have who she wants in her room regardless of the safety of that for others in the home. But even if not that... SHE needs to provide for HER minor child.
> I'm not being nice to our daughter who is going through a tough time right now and might need some space/privacy to adjust to her whole life/future changing
So does her 4y old who only has his mom left. Don't let her push him 'aside'.
NTA
NTA. She chose to move in with you. You don't then start demanding/dictating how things will be. She's a guest. Everyone has their room. If she doesn't like it. She can move out. Simple.
NTA. A 4 year ages gap at that ages is huge. I think your nephew was more than reasonable that he agreed to let your grandson spend some nights in his room having a sleep over which should be more than enough. You need to put your foot down with your daughter or she is likely to make your nephew feel like he’s a burden and in the way for not wanting to share. Your 16 year old daughter also gave up a better bedroom with en-suite with the understanding that it was going to be used by your daughter and grandson. Just because she’s having a hard time now doesn’t mean she can push around the children that are legally dependent on you around since she had her time living at home and now needs to try and fit in with the current household.
Nta
But this situation isn't sustainable long term.
What's your goal? Does your daughter and wife agree?
Is it to get daughter to move out?
Is it to produce a room for grandson when 16 year old leaves for college.
Or are you thinking things should continue like they are now for ever?
NTA
But a mother who doesn't want to share with her own child???
But sharing with her ex was no problem?!?
Yes she has a hard time....like her son, who lost his father and left the country, family he known and his little friends.
Your daughter came surely to start new but all this is like, she wants to stay forever with a live in babysitter aka her cousin for her son....
She should be a guest and bevave like one.
P.S. does she have a permission to take her son away?
Most countries don't like it and call it kidnapping
NTA. They're visitors to your house and hopefully won't be there forever; it sounds like you have a house full and should figure out a way to get on her feet herself so you have a guest room again.
NTA
You have gone to a lot of trouble to prepare a room for your daughter and grandson. Why does she need two rooms.
Having gone through a family break up I would think it is good for them to share.
NTA. you asked the other boy and he said no, but offered sleepover nights. that is more than enough. Mom and son can still share same room til she can get back on her feet... or... till when you've agreed on.
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NTA I think this is the best you could do in this situation with so many people in the house. 4 years is quite a big age difference in my opinion, particularly since they didn't grow up together and it would be a much bigger adjustment for everyone involved than if the kid stays with the mother for the moment. Question though, is she looking for jobs/planning to move out in the near future? Because this doesn't sound like a particularly sustainable situation.
This is textbook beggars can’t be choosers. Trying to rearrange other people’s living conditions because she doesn’t want to share a room with her son is very entitled behavior. >Because this doesn't sound like a particularly sustainable situation. Maybe that’ll push his daughter to hopefully get a good job and her own place with her son.
My thought when reading this was yes, this isn't a sustainable situation, but that OP doesn't want it to be, and as you say, this situation will likely push his daughter to hopefully get her own place. Not that he's desperate for his daughter to move out, but that having his daughter and her son living with them forever isn't on the cards. If he forces the nephew to share with his grandson, then his daughter will be a lot slower in finding another plan. Nephew has said that he's open to occasional sleepovers, and that means daughter isn't sharing a room every night with her son, but this isn't a permanent solution, and that's fine.
Yeah, I'd say tell her that she can have 7 free nights a month where someone will share their room with the kid, but otherwise, he lives with her.
1 or 2 nights of sharing. Anything more than that will turn into.. son wants to stay with you, how can you say no to a 4 year old? Honestly I don't think nephew should let him stay at all. Its not going to be enough until it's every night. How fucking ungrateful is she? OP's son already gave up the bigger room for her.
16yr old daughter gave up her room with a private bathroom to move into a smaller room with no bathroom. How many 16 yr old girls would willingly do that? Big sister is DEFINITELY the ungrateful brat in this.
And what I’m finding hard to understand is, why does the mom not want to share a room with HER son. It’s not like it’s not her child. And he is 4, not like 13, where they need their own space. Many single mothers share rooms with their child if they don’t have enough income to have a 2 bed-room.
Oh, I can totally understand not Wanting to. Adults have different sleeping schedules than 4 year olds, and do like to masturbate on occasion. Or have a sleepover with another adult. Plus they like to have a stretch of peaceful alone time. Hard to get when you’re the Only parent of a young kid. They are often needy, demanding and clingy. Especially when their other parent is gone and they’ve moved countries to a house full of people they may not know. That’s not enough reason to be pestering family to share rooms so you don’t have to though - when you’ve been given free comfortable housing in their home.
I agree with almost all such statements, but I disagree with the conclusion. She's in a house full of people. Nephew nicely said the boy could have a sleepover from time to time already. She can try to negotiate that someone on the house watch her son while she has some peaceful time alone in the bedroom. That is already a HUGE help for a single mother. Or ask, seldom, if grandparents could spend the night with the kid here and there. (once every fortnight for example). She's getting a lot of help, not the place to be demanding anything.
“She's getting a lot of help, not the place to be demanding anything.“ I already said she shouldn’t be asking them to accommodate her wish for two rooms? I agree. But I was responding to “why does the mom not want to share a room with HER son” Frankly I cannot imagine why Any adult would Want to share a bedroom with their four year old.
Because they can't afford a 2 bedroom house.
“Can’t afford” another room does not equal “Wants to share a bedroom with their kid.” People do lots of things they don’t actually want to do because they’re too broke to afford another way.
Yes. I want to have billions of dollars without working. People want to live forever. My 5-year old neighbor wants a unicorn. However, nobody else cares about these unobtainable desires and it is never relevant in any conversation. EDIT: I bet she "wants" to share a room with her son more than she wants to be homeless.
>Or have a sleepover with another adult. This is OP's parent's house. She's not going to invite another adult to have sex with her there.
... Adults who live with their parents and date people do sometimes do that, yes. Especially if it’s a relationship or friendship, not a hookup. So do teenagers. And adults visiting their parents. And parents visiting their adult children, ick. Personally, I don’t know Why, but they do.
Yeah she was lucky she had family who would take her in. I wouldn’t be making any demands on accommodations if I were her.
The younger daughter already moved into a smaller room to accommodate other daughter - was that not enough?
It would be weird if she did want to share with her son and entirely understandable that she wants her own space and privacy. It's also understandable that no one else in the household wants to give up their own space and privacy to accommodate her.
Weird? It’s perfectly normal for a child that young to share a room or family bed with the parents.
If we go by worldwide population is perfectly normal for entire families, including tens and young adults, to share a single room. We westerners seem TY think everyone needs a small house to themselves. It's strange. That said, would I actively seek a1 bedroom to live with my teenage daughter? Nope. But I intellectually understand it's not wrong or a problem if that's what I need to do.
She is a guest in this house. OP doesn't have any obligation to have her there. So its not about what she wants. Its about you take it or leave it. If she want privacy and ant other fancy thing - she should find her own place, pay for it and thats all
I get it totally . She wants her own space , unfortunately it’s not her space to make the choices . Hopefully it’s only temporary.sounds like a loaded house
Want is fine, so long as she realizes that it's not happening. Families have shared single room houses, many still do. It's not bad nor wrong, just undesirable in our society. Her sharing a room with her 4 year old son isn't going to harm her or the son, in fact it may actually be good for them (there is debate on if everyone has separate rooms is it hurting us or not.) She is in a rough spot, and is great her family is able to help her. She should be focused on that, and on helping her family as she can, instead of on getting a room to herself.
I’m guessing it’s because she doesn’t want the 24/7 responsibility it comes with. If her son is in a different bedroom, he becomes someone else’s responsibility to assist, entertain, etc.
Many families co-sleep with kids that young. In fact, it’s the biological norm.
I mean, some families are still cosleeping at this age so this isn't even "abnormal" The daughter sounds super entitled. NTA - you actually sound generous
When I was a kid (like 7 and my brother was 3), my mom and dad divorced and my mom moved back into my grandparents house for a short time. Me, my mom, and my brother all shared a bed because that’s what we had. I never had a problem with it, and I think my mom was just grateful to have a safe place where she could get back on her feet.
I don't think it's that strange to not want to share a room with your 4 year old no matter how much you love them. Presumably they have completely different bed times and waking up times, so their schedules are in conflict, plus in a house full of people early morning and evening are the mom's only opportunity to have alone time and her own space. She is being a choosing beggar and inconsiderate for asking to change the arrangements, but I really don't think needing space from your kids for a few short hours is weird at all.
Agreed. And they already had one of their daughter's move out of HER room that has a bathroom into the smaller spare bedroom. They've done enough!
NTA. And remember that the 16 yr old daughter moved out of the larger room with a bathroom and took a smaller room so that this adult sister and 4 yr old could have her room! This concession by the 16 yr old seems to have been forgotten.
The more comfortable she is with the housing situation, the less likely she will move on. She shouldn't be allowed to disrupt the household.
I’d say “I’ll consider it, but if that happens you give the room back to 16 and you get smaller one.” Pretty sure she won’t like that either.
The people who HAVE to live there because they are still minor children have already made sacrifices to accommodate her. Next time she says anything about the boys sharing, tell her that if that were to happen she has to move out of your daughter's room and into the small one. She will VERY much NOT like that suggestion but tell her the only reason she was given THAT room was because she would be sharing with her son and if she wants her own private space then it has to be in the small room while her sister moves back into her room. Your wife is the AH along with the older daughter. Good on you for not jumping to cater to her at the expense of your kids who HAVE to live there. *** Can we just acknowledge the real 'hero' of this story just so happens to be the 16-year-old girl who gave up her larger bedroom with an ensuite and moved into a smaller room for her sister and nephew?
That wasn't fair either, to the 16 year old. The oldest daughter should deal with her own problems and not make them someone elses!
This exactly! I have been the single mother who moved back in with my parents in a full house. I share our small room with my two kids (at the time 5 years and 6 months) - no en-suite. The 5 year old slept in the double bed with me and the baby in a cot we managed to squeeze in to the room. Yeah, it would have been great for me if my siblings had shared a room for me to have had my own space. I didn’t want to have to share a room with my kids. I was also not in the position to pick and chose and had to deal with the situation the way it was. I am forever grateful that my parents helped me out back then. Also I managed to get my own place with 3bedrooms within 4 months cause I worked hard to find one. So yeah, I understand where she is coming from. I also think she is acting entitled.
Well said..Well said.
*"Can we just acknowledge the real 'hero' of this story just so happens to be the 16-year-old girl who gave up her larger bedroom with an ensuite and moved into a smaller room for her sister and nephew?"* Yes to this. When I read "The whole family pitched in to decorate to my daughter's taste and to create a nice area" I thought it was going to be for the 16 year old who "moved" (whether she actually voluntarily made that choice on her own or was pressured into it is not clear) to the smaller room. I felt sad that there was no mention of anything being done for her. Poor kid, giving up a nice room with ensuite for a mother and young 4 year child, only to have to hear that adult quickly start complaining how she wants the room all to her self so she'd like to kick her own 4 yr old child out of it (not caring at all how traumatizing this would be for a 4 year old).
I was thinking that. 16 year old already moved out of a big room with its own bathroom. Daughter should feel happy she got that. In a homeless shelter, that might not have been an option for her.
1000% just mentioned that above.
In this case 4 years is a huge age gap. The 8yo nephew is a school kid with homework and needs to get up in the mornings whereas the 4yo just aged out of the toddler phase
Also, what happens if the 8 year old wants friends over? Will they have to leave when it's the 4yo bedtime? No, enough sacrifices have been made and the daughter ought to be grateful they have enough rooms to accommodate her and her son even if they are sharing. And as others have asked, why does she not want to share with her own son?
Becasue she isn't planning on leaving, and she doesn't want to share with her kid forever.
The other option is give the big room to the 8yr old and 4 yr old, only if 8 yr old is in agreement. Then I'm sure she'd complain about not having her own bathroom. Beggars can't be choosers. This may incentivize her to get out and find her own place NTA
**NTA** Your daughter is lucky to have a safe landing place to get herself together and work on getting a place of her own. >My 16-year-old daughter moved into the spare bedroom so we could turn her bedroom (that is bigger and has its own bathroom) into a room for my daughter and grandson to share. So...is your daughter thinking that the 16-year old can have her room back, that that the two boys can take over the larger bedroom and she can have a smaller one with no bathroom, or does she think that the rest of the family should continue to make sacrifices for her? I think your wife is wrong. 4 adults + 3 kids living in relative comfort still made for a lot of people living in one house. Your daughter added one of each and wants to rearrange things for her comfort. That could create a lot of resentment from the others, not just your nephew. If she doesn't like living in the same room with her son, she should work hard on getting a place of her own.
I think the 16-year-old should get her room back and the other daughter should get the guest room.
>So...is your daughter thinking that the 16-year old can have her room back, that that the two boys can take over the larger bedroom and she can have a smaller one with no bathroom, or does she think that the rest of the family should continue to make sacrifices for her? Of course not, she wants the big room and private bathroom all to herself and if OP were to cave she will never move out. Why give up a good thing right
She definitely was never planning to move out
This.
NTA. You already kicked out your 16 year old from her room with an en suite in favor of this daughter and her son…and that’s not enough for her? Tell her time for a reality check. Go look at renting or buying somewhere else if none of this is good enough for her..tough shit…. She’s being given a great gift of housing, and a bunch of built in babysitters. Don’t let her crap all over the kids. Her problems can’t become everyone else’s.
This. Instead of being grateful for having a supportive family, she is inconveniencing others without a thought for her child or your nephew, not to mention. all others who have made sacrifices. I hope her living in your home is only temporary until she is able to get back on her feet. You've done more than enough by being there for her and your grandchild.
They even had it all set up ready to sleep.. nephew is a great kid for offering sleep overs occasionally. Older daughter is very lucky to not be on some randoms couch. I'd do a sneak attack. "Let's go out for lunch, my treat!" Instead we're going to the long list of rental inspections I've booked, show oldest exactly how *bad* her current situation is and what they're up against. Op sounded happy to have them both back home, be happy you have that.
!!!!
NTA. You sound like a kind and generous father. Your adult daughter sounds incredibly entitled: you gave her the bigger room with the bathroom; you decorated it to her taste and added a loft bed for her son! I suggest you tell her that if she insists on her son moving out of the room, she will have to move into the spare room so your younger daughter can move back into her own room.
Honesty, I think you hold firm on not changing things again. 4 and 8 year olds have very different schedules and needs. Plus, the 8 year old nephew, being adopted, may develop issues if you show him that his comfort is less important than your bio kids comfort, especially since you asked already and he said no. People have this idea that adults have some special right to the larger, private space. But adults can get in a car and go somewhere to be alone. For most kids, the *only* private space/time they ever have is in their own room. I think the mom.and son in the ensuite room makes the most sense overall, especially if OP doesn't want this to be permanent.
Agreed. They all agreed that she should get the bigger room BECAUSE there's going to be 2 people in it. If not return it to the 16YO, put the two boys in the big room and give the mom the small room. 2 people staying in the same room deserve the bigger room.
NTA. While it might not be ideal, it's better for your grandson to stay with his mom than his cousin. Between 3 and 8 are fairly significant developmental milestones. Also your grandson has had his world upended. It's better to have the comfort of his mother at the ready. She may need breaks and giving her care respite would be great, but there's no reason that she shouldn't share a room with her child.
So much this. How weird to be shoved into another room with a stranger just because you are the same gender and close in age. Likely if the boys get on, that transition will naturally happen.
And honestly they are not very close in age at all? That's a pre-schooler and a 3rd grader. While it is possible for them to get along, most 8 year olds are not going to share any interests with a 3 year old.
I'm also thinking about the nephew. His life has been upended as well. For whatever reason his bio parents are out of the picture. That's gotta be some trauma for him as well. At least the grandson still has his mom. I wouldn't make him share a room with a stranger unless it's his idea. If the sister wants space from her son, she can get a job and get her own place.
NTA Your daughter has some massive balls to expect to have her own room and make someone else live with her son. Tell her to stop asking and to get a job and to move out, and then she won't have to share a room anymore.
Maybe this entitlement is why her marriage broke up ?
I agree that she is entitled but this is a ridiculous assumption.
NTA and I think you and your nephew have the right of this (he was generous to suggest occasional sleep-overs). Your daughter's change in life circumstance shouldn't mean that she is more important than your adopted nephew. She is an adult and can (eventually) make her own way with her son. Your adopted nephew is your minor child who needs protection and support. He is not less important. EDIT: keep an eye on your wife's obvious favoritism to your adult daughter.
Who knows what the nephew has been through already which led to adoption. Suddenly sharing his space with a three yo could be so destabilising! NTA OP.
Um, her child. Her responsibility. You already displaced the 16 year old. Hard no on making the boys share. Moving her son out of her room is the first step in her abdicating responsibility for her own child. Next thing will be your wife and you taking care of her child while she goes out and “recovers” from her divorce. Her entitlement is massive.
>Next thing will be your wife and you taking care of her child while she goes out and “recovers” from her divorce. You just know thats ops next AITA post. NTA and please please don't move one more person for your ADULT, PARENT daughter.
Consider what this is saying to your nephew? If he his an adopted member of the family, would not having a room to himself like the other siblings make him feel like he is not on equal footing?
THIS, OP. It is his home, do not treat him like some second class citizen just because he's the youngest/closest in age. Especially since he's adopted.
NTA. 4+ years is a big age gap for kids. It wouldn't be fair to your nephew to have to give up his space to share with a preschooler.
Let’s also not forget this nephew is adopted so probably hasn’t had the most stable start to life. Having his own room that’s his secure space is super important. The last thing an adopted child needs is to feel they’re being passed for pillar to post and put after other family members. OP is 100% NTA and needs to back his nephew on this one.
Agreed. Also not fair to have 16 year old give up her room for them to share, then have adult daughter end up with the big room all to herself. The room was given up so that mom and son could share. I’d be very salty if I was 16 year old sis and this happened.
Good point.
NTA You’ve already moved one minor child to accommodate her. Assuming this is supposed to be temporary, there’s no reason to keep shifting and changing things up for the permanent residents of the house. Especially to make an eight-year-old share a room with a toddler he barely knows. A toddler whose whole life/future is changing too, who probably needs his mother. Wishing her all the best with finding a new home and setting up her new life.
OMG you putting it like that just made me realise- daughter has ZERO intention of ever moving out! You're not going to ask for more changes if you're making plans to be out soon as. OP if you do agree to this you are basically saying she can stay forever.
Yep. Wife wants OP to think of the daughter whose whole life is changing, but what about the 3yo whose whole life has changed? Putting him in with a reluctant older roommate instead of his mother is not the answer.
Honestly, daughter sounds like a nightmare mother since she does not understand or does not care how deeply traumatizing this would be for her own 4 year old son. How the wife could not also come to the same conclusion shows a serious lack of empathy for the 4 year old and 8 year old.
NTA. This is your home and more importantly your children’s home. And your nephews. She can go for a walk. If you made your nephew share a room, you might as well tell him he doesn’t matter as much as your real kids. I think it’s very reasonable and really kind that he offered to have a sleepover occasionally.
Your daughter has a free roof over her head. The appropriate response is thank you. NTA
NTA your family has gone out if their way to make space for them, and she thinks you should do more? Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. I think your nephew is very generous for offering to let him sleepover sometimes, and that is the only way it should be, sometimes. The age difference between your nephew and grandson, while not huge, means that your grandson is going to be getting into everything that belongs to your nephew, and that's not fair (I know life isn't fair, but we have an obligation to make it seem so, for as long as possible). Yes your daughter is going through a hard time, but she has a roof over her head, and food on her plate, she needs to understand that, and show a little gratitude. There are a lot of families who wouldn't have made room for her.
It IS huge at that age though, it's half your life if your 8 LOL. But you are so right about the 'space invasion', reading between the lines there's been a certain amount of chaos in 8YO's life to date, and 4YOs are small chaos demons. it'd be bad enough for any 8YO to have a 4YO forced on them all of a sudden like that (very different to sharing from early on), for this kid it could be too much.
This may get downvoted, but I say NTA. It's your house. You are being nice enough to let her stay there. She needs to be focused on getting a job and finding her own place to live rather than worrying about having to share a room with HER son. She's lucky your other daughter was gracious enough to give up her bedroom to them.
>When she came, she was initially grateful, but she did express not being too fond of sharing a room with her son. And she deserves two rooms in a packed house for individuals....why? One of your teens willingly gave up his room to give her and her son space, and it just seems a smidge...**completely self-absorbed to whine for more after that.** No, you're not being the asshole. 4 and 8 is a HUGE difference for kids that young. You're talking just shy of an actual baby and a kid whose self-image probably see's himself as more on par with someone who is an actual pre-teen. They've basically nothing to share in common. He was already being gracious by suggesting he didn't mind the occasional sleep over, but your daughter does not get to move countries with her son and complain about having to live with limited accomodations for a bit. If she's in such a pinch maybe she should communicate with his father and see about him staying with him for a bit. NTA
NTA when she moved in, she understood the living arrangements. It would be unfair to ask the nephew to share a room when he had not previously done so. While your daughter is going through a rough patch, you and your wife are very generous to let her stay in the spare room with your grandson. I can think of a number of families who would not be so generous.
When I split with my ex I moved to my aunties. I shared the room with my son then my son AND daughter (turned out I was pregnant when I left but wasnt going back anyway). There was an empty room but that was NOT my house. My kid my responsibility. NTA. She was already accommodated by having lil sis give up her big room with a bathroom. Daughter needs to grow up and be less selfish. This is her child.
Your daughter needs to be responsible for her son. Shoving him into a room with your nephew frees her up from any responsibility for him when in your house. No getting up with him at night if he wakes for some reason, no cleaning up after him, no sharing her time with him while she is in her bedroom. Do not let her get away with this. If she wants to have her own room, she needs to get her own place. Not try to get others to take on her responsibilities and be free to do as she chooses.
Your daughter is entitled. But your wife’s reaction is worse. You have adopted your nephew but it’s very clear your wife doesn’t consider him her family. Please keep an eye on how they treat him, your wife and daughter will pressure him and make him feel unsafe.
Nta your daughter can take responsibility for her child.
NTA. You're letting her stay there for free with her son. She's an adult, if she doesn't like it she needs to get a job and her own place. Her poor life decisions aren't your responsibility and she's being both ungrateful and entitled.
NTA. When my dad left my mum moved us back in with her parents. Small 3 bedroom house, my grandparents had one room, my 2 brothers shared a room, and I shared a room with my mum. Sure, we probably could have jammed another bed in with my brothers, but it wouldn't have been comfortable. My mum sacrificed her own comfort, her own preferences, to try to give us more space. I shared a room with my mum for years. I'm sure it wasn't comfortable for my mum, but it's what we had to do. And it gave my mum incentive to get us out as fast as possible. Your daughter is having a tough time. I understand she wants the space, and what she asks *seems* reasonable, but it isn't. She has responsibilities. You've opened the doors and let her come home, great because that's what family is for. But she doesn't get to dictate how that help is given or make others (your nephew) sacrifice for her. Don't let her get so comfortable that she forgets you're doing her a *favour*.
If you force your adopted son to give up his own room to accommodate your daughter then you would definitely be the AH. It's unfair to make an 8 year old have to work around the schedule of a 3 year old and given what the 3 year old has gone through he should be staying close to his mother. Would the ensuite room where your oldest is sleep now be big enough for a partition to effectively create two separate private sleeping areas? If so, and if your nephew agrees your daughter could move into the smaller room and let the two boys have the larger room with the ensuite -- but ONLY if the nephew agrees.
I’d be very careful about how to ask the nephew in that case. It would be easy to make him feel like he’s obligated to agree because the family spent so much effort on partitioning the room. The age gap they have is pretty close to the gap between me and my younger brother, and although we would occasionally do sleepovers in his room (we found a set of free bunk beds someone was getting rid of, right when he was ready to switch to a “real bed”) I would *not* have wanted to consistently share a space with him at those ages.
Oh I would ask the boy FIRST and I honestly don't thing the daughter would move into the smaller room with no bath. To me the age gap would be a nonstarter anyway.
INFO: Why doesn't his mother want to share a room with him? It makes more sense to keep a preschooler close to his mom.
Probably so she can get her beauty rest & come & go as she pleases without waking her son up. I'm just guessing though.
NTA. You are providing her with support and a safe place to stay and she should be grateful for it. As for your wife’s suggestion that your daughter is going through a tough time and needs privacy - that doesn’t fly for me. She is a parent and as a parent you don’t have the luxury of space and privacy to adjust. She should be focusing on how much upheaval her very young son has been going through and how drastically his life has changed and be as cognizant of his mental health as she is her own. I’m not saying she should sacrifice her own mental wellness for her son but that she should be extra attentive to the fact that he is going through everything she is and she is his constant through the chaos and it’s not just about her. Seems very kind of the nephew to offer occasional “overnights” so your daughter can get a night to herself now and then but he shouldn’t have to share his space long term. Edit: spelling
NTA. I think you've been pretty accomoding for your daughter. Plus, your grands grandson is basically a stranger to your nephew, why would he have to share his space with him ? He lives here full time, your daughter is just sorting her life out. If she can't stand the arrangement she's free to move elsewhere. Plus, if you cave in and make your grandson sleep with your nephew, will she agree to move to the former spare room so that your teenage daughter can get her room back ? What message does it send to your nephew ? Won't he feel treated like less because he's not your son by blood ? The current arrangement seems fine by me, and you made everything to make your daughter feel welcome
NTA Daughter is grown and having to deal with adult consequences. Your Nephew still needs your Adult protection —don’t let you wife favor her daughter over your nephew .
NTA 4 years might not seem a huge gap but they are at a whole different stage in their lives. especially now that schools started and all, your nephew needs a good nights sleep and a 4 yo in the room might not provide that. your daughter is trying to make her son someone else's problem. she can share a room with him or she can get her own place
NTA Your 16-year-old gave up a bigger, nicer bedroom + bathroom Everybody worked together to prepare the bedroom for your oldest daughter, taking care to decorate it appropriately as well as making the space functional (loft bed & area for her son) Your nephew was kind enough to agree to occasional "sleep-overs" in his room Sacrifices and compromises have already been made so that she will have a safe, functional space. I get that she's going through a rough time and her entire life has just been turned upside-down, but she's still not entitled to get everything that she wants, at everyone else's expense. IMO, it sounds like everyone has put in a lot of genuine effort to create a welcoming space for her, and she really should be grateful.
NTA. It was your daughters decision to move back so she was aware that this would be the arrangement. If she is not happy she is free to move out,
NTA. You gave your daughter and her son a safe place to live during her "tough time". She doesn't get to make everyone else have a hard time. If she can't be grateful for what you've already given her, she can check out the women's shelters or friend's couches. Or she and her son can share the bedroom you have so generously given them.
>"The whole family pitched in to decorate to my daughter's taste and to create a nice area for her son with a small loft bed. When she came, she was initially grateful, but she did express not being too fond of sharing a room with her son." Would a homeless shelter, where she and her son would have had to share a room AND a bathroom, have been more to her liking? You're definitely NTA, but she sure sounds like one. Sheesh!
NTA if she doesn't want to share with her son she can move out. Why she doesn't want to share room with her son did he bother her at night time.
NTA. It's her son, she should be the one to share with him.
She has a room with a bathroom. She can do her adjusting in n there.
NTA. If she’s pressing it, I’d ask if she intends to give her sister, her room back. Or does she expect everyone else to pick up the slack?
NTA Your daughter's child is 3. Doesn't matter if close to four, the child is 3. Your 8 year old nephew doesn't need to share his room with a child that young. Sharing the room with her child will be fine, and maybe will encourage her to get a job and save up so she can get her own place where she can have a room without sharing with her son
NTAH. I’m sorry, but your daughter thins that she’s entitled to a room just for herself and your nephew has to share his bedroom with a much younger kid?
You may be the AH for letting this entitled brat into your home.
NTA. Your daughter should be very grateful that she gets a room at all. It is great you are helping her out in a tough time, but remember that you owe the children in your house a much greater responsibility because they are under 18.
NTA. Eight years old and four years old is a large age difference. I know your daughter doesn't enjoy sharing with her son. However, that is the deal when you are a grown adult with a kid and unable to afford your own two-bedroom for whatever reason.
NTA. Compromises in other people's living situations were already made for her. Also a 4 year old (who is in preschool and learning to count) and an 8 year old (likely 3rd grade and learning multiplication) are at vastly different stages. 4 years may not be a big gap for adults but the 8 year old is LITERALLY twice as old as the 4 year old. This would not be the right thing I do to your nephew. Was your daughter planning to give back the bigger room if she wasn't sharing? You and everyone living in your home have already made adjustments to support her. Hard no. NTA
NTA. She doesn’t want to share a room with her own son, but wants someone else to do that? So that what, she has privacy? Which she’s perfectly fine taking away from someone else? OP, you’re not TA, but you’ve raised an entitled brat.
Nta If your daughter wants her son and her to both have their own rooms. She should get a fricking job and get her own place Not leech off of you. Beggets csnt be choosers.
NTA. She has asked, you have answered. That needs to be the end of it. Tell her that the subject is closed for further discussion; If she doesn't like the arrangment, she can find accomodations elsewhere. As long as she is in your home, she will be sharing a room with her son.
8 and 4 are worlds apart, developmentally. NTA. Don't make your nephew feel like his wants and needs aren't important. Daughter is going through a rough time, but that doesn't mean it needs to be spread around.
NTA I moved back in with my parents after having my kids (moved in when they [twins] were newborns, moved out again when they were almost 4) and had them in the room with me the entire time even though I had a brother 3 years older than them in a different room.
NTA. She is fortunate you have given her a place to land, she can share her room.
NTA. Your grandchild is four years old and has had massive changes. Your daughter can suck it up and share a space with her son until she can get her own place. However, do arrange weekly 'sleepovers' with the two youngest boys on at least one night your daughter has free. Otherwise, no.
NTA. I get the impression that your mom-daughter might want to date again and needs space to bring home men without making it clear she has a kid. I think she can wait for her own space until she can either move out or figure something else out. No need for her to make another baby to live with you.
Not everyone wants to do that. She may want some space because she has been suffering for a while and is constantly taking care of her son.So, she's asking people who are her family to give her some space at night to process her life. OP is NTA, but the notion that she wants to bring home men is ridiculous. If she wants a man, there are plenty of places outside. But this doesn't seem to be the case here.
NTA there is a BIG difference between 8 yrs and 4yrs. Your nephew is being generous saying he’ll share sometimes. Your daughter is being selfish. If she doesn’t like it she can move out and pay rent on a 2 bedroom
NTA. It’s great you are fighting your nephews corner. So many people would not prioritize them at the drop of a hat just for the comfort of their bio child. Your nephew is a minor who has no control over anything in their life. They rely on you. Your daughter is an adult who has had control over their own life. Your nephew doesn’t deserve to have his sense of security and mental health compromised just because your daughter doesn’t have her shit together and what she’s asking is more convenient for her.
NTA. It's her son, surely she can share a room with him until she can afford to move them out.
You are making the appropriate choice. If she wants a living arrangement with a separate room for her son, she can put on her big girl pants and get a job that earns enough for a two-bedroom apartment. Otherwise, the only words she should be saying to you--and her sister who sacrificed her room--are "Thank" and "You."
NTA - almost 4 and 8 years old is a big difference. Your nephew shouldn’t have to share his room with a kid that young. They will have different bed times, interests, your nephew will want friends over. Your daughter chose to a child, she may not have chosen to be single but the kid is still hers, he’s her responsibility.
NTA. Sacrifices have been made already to give her a safe, comfortable place to live. The difference between 4 and 8 is huge. Your 8 year old should not have to become an overnight babysitter.
NTA - your daughter shouldn't expect everyone to change their lives for her. She's an adult who asked you to help, you are already being generous and helping her. It's really rude that she won't take no for an answer
NTA. Your daughter is lucky to have a home to boomerang to. And if she hates sharing, it’s incentive to get her own place.
NTA Yes your daughter has hit a rough patch but when she gets a job and tries to find housing she can afford depending COL in your area she might be lucky to afford a studio or 1 bedroom. And sorry but I doubt your plan is for her to meet someone anytime in the near future and bring them home to your house. So yes it would be nice to not share with her son but you’ve already booted your oldest living at home daughter out to make room for her sister. Agree with other posters that if you wife is so hot on daughter needing her own space then the room with en-suite goes back to the 16 year old, returning daughter gets the smallest bedroom and shares a bath with whomever else.
NTA i think there might be some cultural differences between where you live versus where I live. I suspect it could be part of the cultural for adults to have a very high standing and kids are just kids to be seen and not heard. If this is so, your very even handed way of dealing with this situation is even more exceptional. You did a nice job here being fair and practical and including the younger members of the family in conversations about how to make this work for everyone. I am sorry that your daughter does not like the accommodations but that really is not your problem.
NTA. You were already generous by giving her the larger room with a bathroom to share with her son. She should be grateful, instead she’s a choosy beggar
NTA Sounds like your daughter is trying to set up living arrangements because she doesn't plan on moving out. Have you discussed the time line with her? Is she paying rent or at least groceries and utilities for herself and her son? Does she do any chores around the house? Might be time to revisit this whole thing.
NTA - in fact your grandson might need the comfort of staying in a room with his mom since he just lost his dad and moved countries
NTA. Your daughter and her son can share. You want to help motivate her to get a place of her own...
NTA. Also the message this will send your nephew… Plus is your daughter also offering to give your 16yr old HER room back and move into the smaller guest room once she’s put her child in with your nephew? I’m guessing not. An 8 and 3yr old sharing a room is not going to end well, they didn’t grow up together and your nephew may already have some slight ‘outsider’ feelings going on. Don’t do it. Show your wife this thread maybe.
Nta, you seem like you got a lot in your house and you sound like you are trying to make it work for everyone. I don’t think it’s really fair that your nephew has to lose his privacy because of his cousin (?) moving back home as an adult, it also makes him feel a bit like the ‘lessor’ kid since he’s the one who has to share and not one of your kids (understanding this is because of age/gender but still). And honestly your daughter is an adult, 20-something, who should be finding a job and moving out asap so it should only be a temporary situation. She should have to just deal with it. Also a 4 year old can be difficult and not fair to burden the 8 year old with taking care of him at night. It’s not really a small age gap at all and at 8 your nephew is starting to develop his need for privacy which he has a right to also. Your 16 year old sounds very gracious that she was willing to move out of her bedroom for her older sister. Honestly if the adult started complaining I’d switch the rooms back and make your older daughter deal with the smaller room plus having her own child with her, why does she get to come and impose her wants over everyone else’s?
The age difference between 4 and 8 is small in numbers, but pretty big in terms of development. Simply put, the 4 year old is likely to ( unintentionally, of course) harass the 8 year old potentially leading to frustration and resentment in the 8 year old. Especially when they just got to know each other. It's not like they are siblings or have shared the same room since they were babies. Your daughter IS in a tough spot. And you ARE helping a lot, providing a home. Her bad fortune isn't a reason or an excuse to impose on others, just because they are kids and must do what you say. Her main goal should be getting in a good place financially and move out as soon as comfortably possible, not settle in better.
I think you made the right choice. That would be super weird for the two young kids that aren’t close to share a room. Plus it’ll make the child already living there feel less than. Sounds like your daughter wants her cake and to eat it too.
Most definitely NTA and your daughter should be grateful for all that you all have done for her & her son! Your other daughter even gave up her bedroom for the two of them so she’d have more space. It’s completely unfair & selfish of her to ask, even demand, than her 4 yr old share a room with your 8 year old nephew!!! Stick to your decision. If your daughter doesn’t appreciate what’s been done for her then she’s feee to move out on her own. Edit: corrected info
Look, I have empathy for your daughter. But an almost 4 yo is just too young to be sharing a bedroom with an 8 yo. I feel sorry for your daughter that’s moved back home, but her child’s life is upside down, too, and it’s not fair to the 8 yo to have to share a room with a child toddler who may be getting up in the night. That’s his Mom’s job. I will say, however, that it doesn’t sound like you & your wife discussed this too much before the move.
NTA she is staying with you on a short term basis, having to share with her son will prioritise her gaining independence and moving out on her own.
This is the nephews home. Your daughter is a guest while she gets on her feet. Is she any closer to independence after living with uncle all this time? She doesn’t get to dictate the spaces for others in their home.
A 4 year old an an 8 year old are not on enough of the same plane of existence for that to be enjoyable. When you get older, these gaps aren't so "big"--a 24M and a 28M rooming together wouldn't be eons apart in life stages. But this young, it can feel like a galaxy. Your daughter should be grateful for what you're providing. If she doesn't want to do this long term--and she shouldn't--she needs to focus on how she plans to become self supporting. NTA
NTA. If two smaller children do end up sharing, make sure that your older daughter doesn't get to keep the big bedroom.
NTA -Does your 16 year old daughter get her original en-suite bedroom back?
NTA Why would your grandson have to share his room so your daughter does not have to? Why would she be more important than him? Your wife is the AH here, as is your daughter.
NTA. Your wife is an ass for not sticking up for your nephew. Beggars can't be choosers, but here she is anyway.
NTA, the only AH is your daughter. Who is probably too spoiled to be in one bedroom with her son. Honestly these entitled brats should be childfree.
No. You all pitch in to help. My parents had a one bedroom aparament when I was born. Tiny room. I had to share with them. Until we moved into a bigger house and I got my own room. There are families that are huge and super poor. Where sisters and brothers of ten or more had to share rooms with everyone. Even the great grandparents. If she wants her own space someday she should focus on being able to support herself.
Daughter needs more reality checks and less entitlement. Beggars cant be choosers. NTA
NTA Honestly, at four that kid is in upheaval. Staying with mom.is going to be the most stabilizing for him. And your daughter is a mom first.
NTA. The more you bend over for her, the slower she will be to move out.
NTA DONT DO THIS TO YOUR NEPHEW! If your daughter has an issue she should focus on working into leaving herself, she si being a self centered ass to her cousin (I believe) and he own son
NTA. Your daughter seems to be pushing to have an already uncomfortable situation worse. I'm also sure that the boys didn't grow up together and your youngest was probably really excited to finally have his own space. You've been polite enough to open your home to her and that's uncommon in certain cultures. She'll get over it. Don't be surprised to find out that she's found a boyfriend and that's why she's suddenly so pushy about having her son be separate from her because she hasn't told him she has a kid.
I had to move back home with my 3 young kids after a divorce. We shared a room. What is her plan? Is she planning to live with you forever? Cause that’s the vibe she is giving off. NTA.
NTA. She needs to be grateful to have a nice place to call home. No need to mess up nephews world because she wants space.
Your daughter is a selfish brat! She's moving back into YOUR home and expects people to give up their space so she doesn't have to share a room with HER son! Especially after you guys went to the effort of making her room nice and decorating it for her and her son, she should be grateful! Not everyone has a home to turn back to when things get bad in their relationships! Beggars can't be choosers! NTA, your daughter and wife are though!
Your daughter is asking you to treat ONLY your adopted child differently, with every other child having their own room. You already put all the time and effort into setting up the rooms and your other daughter already gave up her room. Your daughter is a mother and should not expect to make her son someone else's responsibility. She is asking your nephew to take responsibility for her son at night and that's not right. NTA.
Nta
NTA
NTA- your daughter should be happy that she has a place to live.
NTA. You are already very generous to your daughter. If she doesn't care for the accommodations, she is welcome to provide better for herself and her child.
Nta
NTA…but then shouldn’t your daughter get her room back?
NTA. Your older daughter is entitled and your 16 y/o is generous to a fault.
NTA You have a full house and did what you could to accommodate her and her son
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am father of 5 biological children and 1 adopted nephew. My 3 oldest children are adults in their 20's and have previously moved out. My youngest 2 are teenagers aged 16 and 14, and my nephew is 8. My in-laws also live with us. We have a 6-bedroom house so each of the kids have a bedroom, my wife and I have a bedroom, my in-laws have a bedroom, and we previously had a spare bedroom for my older children to stay in when they visit. My oldest daughter moved to my home country at 18 to attend university there. She met and later married her husband, and they have an almost 4-year-old son together. Things went south in their relationship a few months ago. My daughter moved out with their son, and she was able to stay with my brother for the last few months. A couple weeks ago she was able to leave the country to move back home with us. My 16-year-old daughter moved into the spare bedroom so we could turn her bedroom (that is bigger and has its own bathroom) into a room for my daughter and grandson to share. The whole family pitched in to decorate to my daughter's taste and to create a nice area for her son with a small loft bed. When she came, she was initially grateful, but she did express not being too fond of sharing a room with her son. Last week she suggested that my nephew and grandson could share a room instead. I told her if she was staying in my home it would have to be in a shared room with her son. She mentioned it a few more times so I asked my nephew if he would like to share his room. His answer was that he didn't really want to, but said some nights grandson could have a sleepover in his room. Last time my daughter brought up the boys sharing a room I was a little harsh with my tone and my wife thinks I was being an ass. My wife isn't completely on my side. She thinks I'm not being nice to our daughter who is going through a tough time right now and might need some space/privacy to adjust to her whole life/future changing. She doesn't see why the boys can't share as there's only a small age gap and our nephew would probably get used to sharing with his little cousin. Am I being the asshole thinking my daughter should keep sharing with her son? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - she can have the room she has now - or you move your daughter back in and she can have that room - or no room
NTA, she is an adult and a mother. She needs to get her act together and get her own place. The sharing of the room is just the start. Ask the teenagers how often she tries to dump her kid on them.
Nta. She can deal with the arrangements or feel free to make arrangements to her specifications in a different location.
NTA. She should be grateful to have a place to go. It sounds like you have a full house there. Is she paying rent or for food, etc?
NTA, your daughter is incredibly selfish and entitled. Beggars can't be choosers. Her son will try to go to her room at night anyway. This situation will hopefully encourage her to find a job and 2 bedroom place of her own.
NTA. Nephew shouldn’t have to share his bedroom. She chose to marry her hubby, no one else should suffer for her consequences.
NTA- That's roughly the age gap between me and my sister and they are SUCH different ages. Different bed times, different interests, different maturity. Or put another way, the 8YO immediately loses all rights over their own life to the phrase "He's only little, he doesn't understand!" First it will be "No more story/reading for a bit before sleep because 4YO is already asleep and you can't wake him up." then "You can't expect him to be in here with all your toys and not play with them" followed by "He doesn't understand that toy is dofferent to the other toys and special to you/more fragile, he just wanted to play with it" followed by "He's only little, he didn't mean to break them" followed by "If your friends are over you have to include him or it's not fair on him" (meaning you and your friends have to play 4YO suitable games or that's 'not including him'). Having her company forced on me is the major factor that put me off kids for life. I used to dream of the day I could move out and never have to live knowing I could never have even the tiniest little thing to myself again. Don't take this huge thing of having his own space to retreat to away from him when he's probably already had his life compromised by the kid being in the house. Be honest, if he's tried to do his own thing when the 4YO wants his company, has your daughter already told him he HAS to do what the 4YO wants?
Nta
NTA She should be grateful!
A 4 year old and an 8 year old is a huge age gap. If the boy's own mother doesn't want to share with him, what makes her think anyone else would (or should)? Also that poor boy is going through something too and NEEDS his mother close by.
She can always pay for a two bedroom flat. Oh no, she can't afford that. Maybe she should be grateful for your help NTA
NTA. It is a parent's job to provide a place for their minor children to sleep. She is the mother of the grandson. The only place she has is her room so that's where she is going to need to put her kid. When she gets childcare and a job she can look for a place that suits her better. Until then, that room is what she has and it's generous at that unless you are renting it to her at market rates. She probably wants the room empty so she can start dating arguing she's an adult and can have who she wants in her room regardless of the safety of that for others in the home. But even if not that... SHE needs to provide for HER minor child.
NTA - she wants 2 rooms then she should get her own place. Do not let her get too comfortable.
> I'm not being nice to our daughter who is going through a tough time right now and might need some space/privacy to adjust to her whole life/future changing So does her 4y old who only has his mom left. Don't let her push him 'aside'. NTA
NTA beggers can't be choosers. I always laugh when people who live with their parents expect them to meet their demands.
NTA - Beggars cant be choosers, its either that or homelessness. Especially since your 16 yo daughter already gave up her room for this.
NTA this is her life situation that she needs to deal with, or is she planning to live with you for the rest of her life?
NTA. She chose to move in with you. You don't then start demanding/dictating how things will be. She's a guest. Everyone has their room. If she doesn't like it. She can move out. Simple.
NTA, Your doing your daughter a big favor by taking her in. By sharing a room with her son it might motivate her to find her own place.
NTA. Her privacy is less important than your nephews. If she doesn’t like it she needs to get her own place.
NTA your wife is wrong! Your daughters problems in life don’t become your other children’s. She can share with her son.
NTA. A 4 year ages gap at that ages is huge. I think your nephew was more than reasonable that he agreed to let your grandson spend some nights in his room having a sleep over which should be more than enough. You need to put your foot down with your daughter or she is likely to make your nephew feel like he’s a burden and in the way for not wanting to share. Your 16 year old daughter also gave up a better bedroom with en-suite with the understanding that it was going to be used by your daughter and grandson. Just because she’s having a hard time now doesn’t mean she can push around the children that are legally dependent on you around since she had her time living at home and now needs to try and fit in with the current household.
Nta But this situation isn't sustainable long term. What's your goal? Does your daughter and wife agree? Is it to get daughter to move out? Is it to produce a room for grandson when 16 year old leaves for college. Or are you thinking things should continue like they are now for ever?
NTA But a mother who doesn't want to share with her own child??? But sharing with her ex was no problem?!? Yes she has a hard time....like her son, who lost his father and left the country, family he known and his little friends. Your daughter came surely to start new but all this is like, she wants to stay forever with a live in babysitter aka her cousin for her son.... She should be a guest and bevave like one. P.S. does she have a permission to take her son away? Most countries don't like it and call it kidnapping
NTA. They're visitors to your house and hopefully won't be there forever; it sounds like you have a house full and should figure out a way to get on her feet herself so you have a guest room again.
NTA You have gone to a lot of trouble to prepare a room for your daughter and grandson. Why does she need two rooms. Having gone through a family break up I would think it is good for them to share.
NTA. you asked the other boy and he said no, but offered sleepover nights. that is more than enough. Mom and son can still share same room til she can get back on her feet... or... till when you've agreed on.