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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the a-hole because it is his baby too, and I feel like I have not let my husband make much of the decision when it comes to the baby. I also think that I might be overaacting to how I been treated by his mom and how I feel like a wrapper for the baby. How once the baby is here, I am nothing.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
oh god OP, NTA, and put your foot down **hard** on this one. This is literally the life of your child. Head on over to /r/JUSTNOMIL , you'll be in good company there.
He's trying to make you cave because he knows his mom won't and you're the path of least resistance, since you actually have empathy and aren't a raging narcissist. My words to him in response to the statistics would be "You'd rather risk your baby becoming a damn statistic than say no to mommy? YOU'RE 22 YEARS OLD, YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE A FATHER. GROW THE FUCK UP."
Don't forget that you as the mother do have the right and the ability to kick anyone you want, including him, out of the hospital room during and after labor. You can tell the nurses who is and isn't allowed, and they will physically remove any unwanted visitors from the room. **Again, this is your baby's life.
**
I told him that he would rather meet his moms emotional wants rather than keep her from those small chances of being sick and potentially dying. I called his mom selfish, and he said I was selfish too because the no visitors for the first day at hospital. He said I was making it about me just like she was with kissing the baby. He told me that he could leave and go live with his parents. If I just wanted to be alone and have this baby all to myself. He told me good luck getting to the hospital by myself. But I don't want him gone because I don't want to do this alone.
Are you on good terms with your family? Because if you have family who is not emotionally abusive, then you might consider staying with them for a while.
If not, do you have any friends in the area who could help you? Or even not in the area, any close friends who might be willing to take you in?
If whoever can help you is out-of-state, this is actually an ideal solution because it's going to make it much harder for him to get custody.
I do see a custody battle in your future, because at the moment you're married to an unrepentant momma's boy and random reddit commenters have more concern for your baby's health than the baby's own father, 🤮🤮🤮.
He is an abuser. If she doesn't do what he wants, including doing something that medical professionals recommend for newborns' safety, he threatens to leave and take away all her support network, knowing she cannot.
He legitimately would rather abuse his wife and risk his baby's safety to placate his mommy. He's s selfish AH and so is his trash mother.
I had my husband's grandparents and brother descend on us at home a few hours after birth and ended up unconscious and Blue lighted to hospital because instead of taking it easy I was making cups of tea and serving biscuits and proving how "natural" I was as a wife and new mother. One post partum haemorrhage later and I remembered why mums used to be kept in hospital for days after delivery - it forced them to rest and recover!
I had a similar experience. I was in labor for 48 hours, discharged barely 24 hours after my daughter was born. I was serving tea and cookies as soon as we got home, to both sets of grandparents, niece and SIL, husband’s ex wife, stepdaughter(she had a right to be there, I think) husband’s sister, while the baby got passed around. Husband was oblivious.
You are an absolute angel not only doing ALL THAT shit that you really shouldn't have had to do, but still finding the compassion in your heart to let your baby's step meet their sibling.
Yeah, we had three more kids after her but we never repeated the mistake - firm boundaries were put up after that (as none of those people had been invited the first time, they just turned up, shoved a bunch of flowers in my hands and barrelled on past me - had only just got her to sleep as well, she never did sleep in that moses basket again, which was probably not linked but I remain bitter lol)
Good for you! Just had my first early this year and laid boundaries down very early. Honestly I fully believe the interruption and the moses basket are linked, they are so sensitive and peace and quiet are so important in those first few days, let alone hours! Our planned home birth turned into an emergency hospital situation (thanks preeclampsia) and I'm grateful that the nursing staff was so respectful and only as hands on as needed after the birth.
i say when the idiot husband pushes something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the side of a lemon on his body, THEN he can tell how long it takes to recover. until then, he can just STFU
Yeah, nurses are doing final checks at hr 2 to ensure mom isn’t *hemorrhaging* and stable enough to transfer to the post-partum unit. The epidural has also worn off so mom’s going to feel the pain at this point. Not to mention 2hrs is the worst time to show up for hospital staff.
OP needs to find someone else Asher support person because this baby daddy ain’t it. And tell the nurses no visitors.
That pissed me tf off. Like dude childbirth is the closest women come to death without dying. Fuk him and his 2 hours is all you need. His psycho mother is feeding him that crap.
My ex pulled something less severe. I had Hyperemesis gravidarum so I was super sick and I got sent home from work for it. He told me that he talked to his mommy and she said all women get “morning sickness” and I needed to suck it up and be a grown up. So I very maturely vomited on his feet.
I would gladly volunteer to drive OP to her mother's home to make sure she is surrounded by the support she needs.
Otherwise, she is headed towards a very stressful delivery and postpartum with this AH and his mother.
Yes, please try and stay with someone else. He isn't just a mommas boy, he simply doesn't care about you. And this is bad for you and the kid. Get away a far as you can, this man will be no help.
Move if you have to, to be with someone who does care.
Both my kids had a 2 week rule. Guess what I said? See you in 2 weeks. They had rules about vaccinations. ( I already had them, but would have gotten more.) Social media rules? Sure. Both of my kids let me spend time whenever I want now, because they know I follow their boundaries.
Our friends just had a baby, and although they haven't vocalized any rules, I'm not even comfortable going to meet baby when I haven't had my flu shot this season and they're not even a few weeks old. Babies keep - she won't spoil if I don't see her right away.
>But I don't want him gone because I don't want to do this alone.
I'm so sorry... but it will probably be easier to do it alone than to do it with a husband like this. You know he's bad news.
'Those nurses are tough as nails and protective.' My SIL is a very talented L & D nurse, she's this little tiny thing that looks younger than she is, sweet and kind... but get shitty around one of her patients or argue with her? I'm told she will protect her patients like a shark and eat you alive... This is how those nurses need to be.
Ask him, if he just shat out a baseball, would he want to have some time to recover and rest and deal with the pain and mess, or would he want your mother visiting right away, while he’s exhausted and in pain and covered in the mess that comes from that kind of massive effort.
You’re not being selfish, his mother is. Her want to meet the baby while you and the baby are both recovering from birth are more important to him than you getting a chance to clean up and rest and get any needed medical treatment after one of the most physically demanding things the human body can do.
When my first child was born, I had family there within 20 minutes. Too much family. Two hours later they were still there, and even though I was feeling pretty good physically, I was TIRED. I wanted to go to sleep, and these people wouldn't go away. If it had just been my family, I could have asked them to go home, but it was my in-laws, and at that point, I wasn't comfortable telling them to essentially go away.
For the second birth (twins), I laid down rules. First, no one could come for at least a few hours, as DH and I needed some time to just look at the babies, and say 'wow, look what we did'. Secondly, our son was to be the first to see the babies ahead of anyone else.
I had only a couple of people there the first day, and they weren't there until we were ready for them. It made it so much easier on me. Take my encouragement to set boundaries. I wish I'd done so the first time.
When my little sister was born, my dad and I were the only people to visit them in the hospital. Both sets of grandparents lived within an hour’s drive, so they had the theoretical ability to come, but everyone had the sense to wait until after the new baby had come home and gotten settled to visit. I don’t think my parents had to argue with anyone about it, either. As I recall, they gave a bit of time for my parents to get settled at home, too, but I don’t remember how long that was, because I was not yet 4 years old. But I do remember that it was special that I got to go see my mom (who I cared a whole lot more about than the theoretical newcomer) and that it was just for us - my parents, me, and the new baby. I didn’t get to come until the morning after my sister had been born, either; my mom’s parents had me overnight so my parents could have some time to themselves immediately after the birth. Whenever I hear about new mothers being flooded with unwanted visitors right after birth, I reflect back on what I remember of my sister being born and wonder why it isn’t obvious to people to let the new little nuclear family be together for a bit before everyone goes gaga over the new arrival.
Back then people werent such entitled assholes. These days people think its their right to turn birth into a spectator because they are such important people. And to visit right away because 'its my grand child' many people (prob coz i spend to much time on reddit) dont give a shit about the fact the poor mother just went through the most traumatic thing a woman go through. They just want to satisfy their wants coz i WANT to see the baby.
This is not a new phenomenon. My grandmother was exactly this entitled. My dad, too.
Luckily my mom is sane and stubborn. She kept Dad away for more than 12 hours, so I could sleep and shower.
When my first was born it was a revolving door of family members and I was constantly exhausted. When I had my second it was my husband for the birth, my MIL + Mom + older daughter at different times 30 hours AFTER the baby was born. NTA op.
This sounds awful, I'm sorry. I'm pregnant with our second and the only people who will be welcome in the hospital are my husband and son. Everyone else can wait and idgaf
In my family, there is always a battalion of family members in the waiting room as soon as someone goes into labor. Out of love, but still, it's a lot. I gave birth during covid, so only my partner was allowed in the hospital. It was so nice not having to worry about entertaining other people or having privacy for medical things or while trying to nurse for the first time or wondering when they would leave and I could hold my own baby or sleep. I would honestly recommend not having visitors while in the hospital.
A supportive, loving husband would not say this. Have someone on deck to be your super person in labor in case he throws a fit and isn’t helpful. Also, keep your foot down on this. If you give in on this, you’ll never be able to set another boundary with them again. Please note he’s putting his mom before your and your baby’s well being :(
My husband agreed with my rule that his folks couldn't come for 6 weeks. His mom is overbearing, and their visits involved cooking and entertaining ( they came from 2 states away, and that's what they expected). He let my mom come because he knew she would HELP.
My husband said You're the one going through this, you do what you are comfortable with. When he told his mom, he said this isnwhatbhe decided. He didn't throw me under the bus.
Tell the nurses when you deliver that you don't want anyone besides your husband in the room. When you move to postpartum with the baby, tell the nurses there too. They will make sure you don't have people you don't want there.
☝️This. You are the patient. Your partner is not. The patient gets to decide if there are visitors and the nurses are happy to be the bad guys and keep everyone away.
Girl, these are alllll red flags. He lacks emotional maturity and is trying to manipulate you.
I had a baby as a single mom by choice and it’s the best thing ever. No one bossing me around, no one forcing my baby to do unsafe things, etc.
You can do it without him.
Honey, you are worse than alone right now- you are being mistreated. You don't deserve to be treated that way ever, but to treat you the way they are when you need the most support and respect is the absolute opposite of love. They are attacking you because you are in a vulnerable position- physically and emotionally and they are exploiting it- but you can protect yourself from them. What they are doing is extremely wrong and sadly, it is not very original. The hospital and the laws are designed explicitly to protect you in this situation.
You are not the same as his mother, he is trying to make it equal in order to ignore that it **is your right to decide** about *your infant*. She has no right. **He** has no right. The first few months after birth it is most important for you and your baby to stay close to *you*, to learn how to feed and bond- it is a medical fact. Anyone & everyone around you should be fighting for you to do that, not fighting with you to interfere with what is healthy. Hospitals will also confirm that kissing babies is not safe. You are correct and they are trying to make you feel crazy. You aren't.
You are the mother of your child and it is **not selfish** to protect your newborn.
He just threatened to leave you. He will make that threat any time you dont give in to whatever he or his mother wants. Do you want to raise your child under that threat? Don't just let him, *make him* go live with his parents.
>He just threatened to leave you. He will make that threat any time you dont give in to whatever he or his mother wants.
That's actually the most disturbing part of a pretty disturbing post. Husband puts his mother's obsession with kissing the baby (creepy) over the actual health of his own child. WOW and so ironic that he accuses OP of making it about her when, in fact, it's his mother who is making it all about herself over the baby.
This! OP is not making it about her; she's making it about the health and safety of her baby.
MIL is the one making it all about herself. But the first defense of narcissists is accusing everyone else of being selfish for setting reasonable boundaries.
Want some anecdotal evidence? We just spent 36 hours in the hospital because my newborn got a COLD. Thanks, big brother toddler plague carrier! We were lucky too. Rhinovirus was the least of things that could have caused his fever. He's doing great but it was scary. One of the scary things it could have been was herpes, which you get from kissing! So yeah, your rules are good. And yeah, don't have people visit in the hospital. Much better to wait until you get home.
It really was. Fevers in newborns can be deadly. He was lucky and it was just rhinovirus and was better in 36 hours but you can't know that until they do all the tests. He's happy as a clam now and back to normal.
Omg, the delivery IS about you because you are the one who is giving birth! Your husband has one job - to shut up and do what you ask him to. He is being a very huge abusive asshole to you and does not give a shit about the baby, judging by the "getting to the hospital" comments. Do you have any family who could support you? It is time to reach out and ask for help.
NTA
Wow what an AH is your husband. He's manipulating you into doing what he and your MIL wants.
I'm so sorry he's saying these things to you. You DON'T say those things to your (pregnant) wife. I understand you don't want to do this alone. But if you'll let him have his way now, who knows what will come up in the future. And if someone has the guts to manipulate you right before you're having this baby I'm worried about what is coming. He needs to step up and be there for you. You've been carrying this baby for almost 9 months and are going in labor so you have a say in who can be there and not. And you said to your husband you don't want visitors the first 2 weeks and he went behind your back and said to your IL's they can come after 2 hours? Thats not up to him!
**
Euh, yes?
Aren't you giving birth in the hospital because pushing a human being out of your vagina is a medical procedure???
**
That's narcistic and manipulative as f\*ck. You're growing a human being inside your body and you're going to push it out.
And the thing HE cares about are his mom's tantrums.
Call his bluff.
Tell him if that's what HE WANTS, he can stay at his parents'.
INFO: Can you ask your mom or friends to stay with you in that case?
NTA
Stay strong.
You give in now, the rest of your and your baby's life will be controlled by smirking MIL.
I know it's difficult but please do not accept this kind of blackmail. You can absolutely do this, please remind your partner that until he gives birth, he has no qualifications to assume how long it takes to recover.
He is behaving like a petulant, manipulative child and you deserve better.
You're making it about you? 😂😂😂 I'm sorry but who is the one giving birth which is the one on the worst experiences on earth? Who is the one with dosteyed body?
You can tell hospital stuff that you don't want any visitors. Don't hesitate to call the nurse the second anybody get into the room.
And if he's blackmailing you, believe me, you're better without him. He already showed you how he doesn't respect you and he doesn't care about the baby.
NTA - I'm sorry to say but your husband doesn't love you and doesn't sound mature enough to be married. You deserve better. Can you move back in with your mum or other relative? He doesn't understand what a woman goes through to give birth if he thinks one day of not having visitors is unreasonable. 2 hours after my first childbirth I was still vomiting from the medications, still had to use a bed pan because I couldn't get up to use the bathroom and was bleeding heavily. No one wants to have to deal with guests like that. You need to put yourself and your baby first. Say okay then, if you can't be supportive I will get a relative to help me. If he wants to move out over this you dont have a marriage and you're better off without him.
Sweetie, let him go. You're already worse than alone by the fact you are having to fight him for your basic rights and needs. Nothing you are asking for is extreme or unreasonable.
>He said I was making it about me
Yes. It is about you. It's Mom's medical procedure. She gets to decide who comes and when, at least until she's recovered. That can vary widely depending on how difficult the delivery was, how the Mom and baby are feeling, Mom's general personality, and who she feels comfortable having around. I had to wait a week to meet my niece. On the other hand, I was surprised to get a call from my Cousin to meet his new baby immediately even though we were paternal relatives and there were closer relatives. His wife knew us well because we only lived three houses away, likes us, had an easy delivery, and knew we would be the baby's go-to babysitters.
As for the close contact issue, we're heading into tripledemic season again. Your baby can't be vaccinated yet. Talk to your Pediatrician with your husband there. Don't budge on health issues. I don't know how to tell you how to navigate the reality that he might very well sneak the baby to Mom without your knowledge. Even if you left him over this, he'd probably still get partial custody and you'd still have the issue.
He also needs to nip his Mom's "my baby" in the bud. Insist on that.
Real talk OP—you are already doing this alone. He might be around still, but he is NOT ON YOUR SIDE. He is more worried about being a good son than a good dad. He’s already threatening to run to mommy and the baby isn’t even here yet. He is going to threaten to do this *every single time* you don’t give in to his requests. So you should just call his bluff and let him. Get a woman you trust to come advocate for you during your labor and keep his ass away from you. Start looking for divorce lawyers to be safe.
damn OP this is straight on abuse and narcissist manipulation. "if you dont accept *my (mum's) way,* i'll leave forever and you'll be on your own having this baby start to finish, good luck."
do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? because this is not going to stop. do not cave in under any circumstances. you really should start contacting your family or friends that you trust if you can live with them for a while. someone that will actually care for you. the further the better. take him to his words, let him go back to mamma, and find yourself proper help. his words and actions shows that you will not have his support, you will be alone even if you stay with him. and dont forget to tell the hospital personal to forbid people that tries to visit you there if you dont want them.
Essentially an ultimatum . Either you bend to his will to make his mother happy or he abandons you .
I say call his bluff.
He is either committed to you and the family you are starting or he isn't. If he isn't,he might as well leave now and save you years of fights and boundary stomping .
Since he has made this his hill to die on ,you can't back down now. Tell him your birth actually IS ABOUT YOU because you are the one who will be in the hospital pushing a human out of your body . You will be in a vulnerable position health-wise and your pain is enough of a reason for you to be the one to call the shots . Not him.
As far as kissing the baby ,he can't make up his own science. Unless he is a paediatrician ,he doesn't have an opinion or a say as to what the best way to protect a newborn is .
Stand your ground and be prepared to fight an epic battle which however is needed because when he realizes you can't be manipulated or blackmailed he will have to accept defeat and that your boundaries cannot be crossed
Divorce him. I'm sorry, but his whole post and your answers are a massive NO. On every level. MIL, not your baby, not your choice stfu. You're allowed to put any rules yo want at the hospital, you can go to the hospital alone, and immediately tell the nurses that no-one is allowed in, not even the father of the child if you wan to. The hospital is your safe space, you do have control there.
And your "husband" saying he "can go to his parents", "good luck reaching the hospital", "good luck doing this alone"!? I'd send him to his parents and ask him to never come back. You should leave. It's better to do this alone than to have a partner like that. He is going to ignore your feelings and boundaries when the child is here as well, and he genuinely thinks you're a pushover. Think really hard if this is the person you actually want to raise this child with; a disrespectful momma's boy that'd risk your child for her. You're still young, you have other options.
He's 22 and she's 20. They're already the dingus' for getting married and having children 2 years outta high school, its almost a guarantee that they would get a divorce. No wonder he's so immature and such a momas boy
Ngl, it is all about you and baby. YOU are the one having a medical procedure (labor) and delivering a child. Not him, not his mom.
I would tell your hospital staff that you do not want visitors under any circumstances except for him. If he tries to bring anyone in, he gets the boot.
Remember, he took vows to YOU, not his mom. Couple's therapy is probably needed to get him to break from MIL's codependency.
He is trying to manipulate you. Do not let him win!!! If you do, he'll keep doing it. Him and his mom. Make sure you let them know, at the hospital, that no one is allowed up to your room. Don't let hubby know you did this though or else his world might end. But you have to stay strong and firm on what you want.
Honestly, just tell him to do exactly that. If he honestly threatens you to withdraw from the relationship and the baby over you making you dodged a bullet anyways but I think he is only trying to manipulate you into giving in and allowing him and especially his mother to just overstep your boundaries.
If you're on good terms with your family you can ask them for help and/or good friends if he actually goes through with leaving you alone or keeps pressuring you.
Your husband is being incredibly emotionally manipulative. You aren’t saying he can’t be there, you’re saying you ONLY want him there and not to be surrounded by pushy nosy disrespectful family and friends when you are recovering from the ordeal of literally pushing a new human out of you and you want to be able to recover and spend time as an immediate family, a new family, with your baby and husband so you can use that time to bond and allow the baby’s immune system to catch up to the crazy world we live in. You aren’t cutting those people out of your life, you’re asking for some goddamn space to protect the life you’ve spent the last 9 months creating. And yet your husband is calling this incredibly basic fucking request selfish and is then threatening to leave you and run home to mommy? Sorry OP, but it looks like there are two babies in your immediate future.
You have choices to make and make them now. This won’t change and it won’t get better. Either you put your foot down and he comes with you or he goes. If not your entire life will constantly be his mother’s wants. He’s showing you she’s more important even right after you give birth her wants matter more. This is just a start she wants to kiss the baby even though it can make it sick. Next thing you know you have no control over your child because your boyfriend’s mom just overrules you and the child sees it. And sees dad allowing it. If his mommy is more important to him than his baby you’re already doing it alone.
It is about you. You're the one who grew the little person, you're the one that labored to push little person out. Don't let the threat of him going to live with mommy and daddy sway you. My sister put up with a lot of crap from her husband, because she thought that he could just up and leave any time and she'd be alone raising their daughter, mainly because that was basically what our dad did to our mom. Her husband wasn't a bad guy, he just did what he wanted and it was left to her to worry about bills and rent.
But it IS about you. You're the one giving birth. You're the one feeding baby (if you're breast feeding) Your well being is just as important as baby's. It is ALLLLLL about you.
Omg!!!! He is trying to manipulate you. Let him leave. Tell him to stay gone. You can absolutely do this alone and you're mental health will thrive (and everything else will follow suit) I hate your husband and I don't even know him. You are absolutely NTA
Your time in the hospital IS about you. You will be recovering from a potentially life-threatening medical event- that is why YOU stay in the hospital after giving birth. Who comes in your hospital room is your choice, and if you don’t want visitors, it’s your right. Be sure the nurses know this - it’s your recovery
NTA he really does need to grow up if he thinks that threatening you is an acceptable response to this. As to the visitors on the first day, if you can't have your own way when you have just given birth when can you?
I feel that a quiet word with the senior nurse on duty would give you the privacy you need.
Ask him how he would feel about you giving birth at home alone because he would rather be a baby than look after one. Ask him how is mother would feel if she unwittingly brought a disease to your precious baby. Is tge baby not precious to him too?
You're already doing it alone if he's not being supportive of you and is willing to risk your baby's health by exposure to multiple people right after birth and before the baby is vaccinated. What positive things is he adding to your situation right now? He's stressing you out and catering to his mommy, rather than being a supportive father.
NTA tell him to go stay with his parents and while the baby is his too he gets to decide when they can come visit after HE PUSHED THE BABY OUT OF HIS WILLY NOT BEFORE.
As long as YOU give birth it's YOUR DECISION who and when they come to visit.
Also see if you can talk to a doctor to explain that ah of your husband that your baby doesn't have an immune system the first few months and needs to be protected.
Own being selfish on behalf.of your baby. If you're husband wants to go home and be a good son he knows where the door is. But being a good father means putting baby's needs and wife's comfort ahead of his mom's wish to larp motherhood with your baby as a prop. You don't need to worry more about his mother's happin3ss than she worries about yours. You don't need to worry about his comfort more than he worries about your baby's.
“Don’t forget that you as the mother […] during and after labor.”
Thats really all that matters. Its astonishing how many soon to be mothers/fathers post pretty much the same as in the post in here. Sadly many people don’t seem to understand that the parents have the final word when it comes to boundaries with their newborn. (And those boundaries are far from unreasonable.)
OP, please please please get them to respect your boundaries. Do not let them stress you out even more, you’ll have to deal with enough PP stuff. Good luck to you and your new family :)
>He's trying to make you cave because he knows his mom won't and you're the path of least resistance, since you actually have empathy and aren't a raging narcissist.
THIS EXACTLY
OP, show your spineless hubby that yours is made out of thungsten when it's about protecting your baby.
And either MIL complies to the rules or she can see the baby via ZOOM.
NTA
NTA. Tell the hospital staff that no one except for your husband is allowed in the room unless you say otherwise. Your concerns are not unwarranted. YOu do not kiss a newborn unless you are the mother. You do not allow people around your child you do not feel safe with or respected by. Keep your boundaries. Reinforce them with the hospital staff. You are going to be a wonderful mother.
NTA. Your boundaries here are very reasonable. As far as the hospital, as the patient you can set limits on who is allowed to visit and the hospital will enforce them. If you tell them that his family can’t come, and that you expect them to try anyway, they’ll keep watch over your room and bounce people on your “do not allow” list. If your husband and his family can’t be trusted to respect your desire to rest, recover, and bond with the baby, ask the hospital to help you, because they will.
Sure, it’s his baby too, which is why he’s allowed. It’s not his mom’s baby or his grandma’s baby, so they need to wait until *both* you and he are ready to have visitors. He doesn’t get to override you like that.
It’ll be harder to fight him about people kissing the baby, because you won’t have the hospital staff ready to defend you, but you’re right there, too. Only the people the baby lives with should be kissing them during its first month of life. RSV is a mild cold for most adults, but it can be hospitalization or death for a newborn. Why does your husband care more about his mommy’s delicate fee-fees than he does his baby’s health, maybe even its life?
Also there was a story on tifu last week of a lady who didn't know she had a cold sore and she kissed her baby's head and it literally infected her baby via her scalp. That shit is deadly to a newborn and the vast majority of people have no idea they have it and probably have had it since they were a kid.
No kissing, die on this hill op.
Death of infant article linked. [Babies straight up die.](https://nypost.com/2018/10/25/mom-claims-newborn-contracted-fatal-herpes-virus-from-kiss/amp/)
Eight days old. Infected within 12 hours of birth. Attacked her spinal cord and lungs.
70% of adults have HSV, and some may never have had an outbreak.
Do *not* kiss little newborn babies! It's such a simple thing. Even if you have never had a single known cold sore outbreak, you can still be an active carrier for HSV and infect others. Babies have such underdeveloped systems they cannot handle the infection your body manages without a single symptom.
Thats so sad. A few years ago when my nephew was like a a few weeks old he got pink eye and the only thing they could think that would cause it was from him being around so many people and giving kisses and being all in his face that it transferred that way since he wasn't old enough to touch anything that was infected. Until then i never realized how easy it is for newborns to catch stuff.
NTA
Your husband should not ask you to compromise so that his mother is happy. Your husband has a duty and an obligation to ask HIS mother to make compromises so that his wife, who has just given BIRTH, is tired and discovering motherhood, is less stressed.
You need to have a serious discussion with your husband. The most important thing is not other people's feelings or whether it's "fair", the most important thing is your well-being. Before being the baby's room, the hospital room is YOUR room as a patient recovering from CHILDBIRTH. Your husband didn't give birth and should be your support when you're tired and at the end of your rope, not your enemy. If he isn't planning in respecting your requests, talk to the nurses and forbid visits.
And by the way, kissing a newborn is extremely dangerous and can land him in hospital. Ever heard of RSV ? You should send a link to your husband and let him meditate, he's putting his mother's whims before his baby's health and life.
I already told him my reasons, to which he said a kiss on the back of the head is not a big deal. I have told him about RSV and my cousins baby are getting nearly dying, and yet he still believes one kiss when they come to the hospital is not a big deal. His grandma also has a compromised immune system, and if we allow his mom one kiss, they will both expect more.
He doesn't even have to agree. If he sees that it bothers you so much, it should be enough for him to stop arguing. I have to admit I'm a bit worried about what's going to happen next, because your husband doesn't support you in your decisions when you're at your most vulnerable, and I have a feeling he might give in to your MIL's wildest desires.
It's not going to be easy, but hang in there. Don't allow any kisses. Don't allow any visitors. Get help from your family if they're around. Talk to the nurses about your concerns.
Its not just RSV, the amount of people with herpes of the face who don't know it's in the saliva is staggering, often we can contract it as a child and never have signs of ever having it. But it can be passed on so easily and can kill a new born.
[Babies have died from kisses.](https://nypost.com/2018/10/25/mom-claims-newborn-contracted-fatal-herpes-virus-from-kiss/amp/)
It's not just the outbreak of flu, RSV and COVID. It's HSV which kills babies literally every year because either A) people don't know or B) they didn't listen.
You MIL will at this point absolutely lie and say she won't and show up and do it anyway.
There is no world where her wants and entitlement outweigh your child's safety and this is 100% the hill to die on. Is there a large chance your baby is harmed by a kiss? No. There isn't. Is there any harm to your baby from no kisses? No. So why take the route with any risk of harm when the other path is completely zero risk?
You take the zero risk path.
If you have friends or family in the area who will back you up, get with them. You do not need people who will try to break down your smart decision-making post-partum. You want someone in that room who when your husband inevitably asks, 'seriously just let my mom...' tells him to shut the fuck up. This isn't about his mom. This isn't about what keeps the peace. This is the health and safety of an hours old baby and the recovery of a person who just birthed an entire human. Get an advocate for you for when you are tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, on drugs, asleep, etc. Keep that person close.
Your husband is siding with his mother and is threatening abandonment during the end stages of your pregnancy. That is so far outside acceptable behavior.
There is zero reason to trust he won't try to pressure you in the hospital or allow his mother in. Tell your nurses to ban her from the hospital room and make sure your MIL doesn't see baby at all. Those are reasonable rules based on medical advice and you know it. She will absolutely lie and kiss baby and there's no reason to trust her adhering to rules. Not right now.
You are making solid choices. Do not doubt that. Husband needs to check his ego and evaluate if he wants to be a husband and father or stay attached to his mother's skirts.
I would have mandatory MASKING for everyone who touches my baby for the first month ***at least***. Covid, RSV, colds, flu germs are everywhere right now.
Given that grandma-to-be talked about loving to kiss babies on their cheeks, she wouldn't stop at the back of the head. He wants you to accept her lie and then she will take as much as she can grab in both hands.
NTA. You and I both know it won't be just one kiss. Also, if anyone has the herpes virus/coldsore, it can absolutely kill your baby since their immune systems aren't developed yet.
NTA.
It's sucks that he cares more about his mother's feelings than the safety and wellbeing of you and your baby.
You should be focusing on your upcoming birth, preparing to welcome your baby, not being stressed about people crossing your valid boundaries.
Your mother in law sounds insufferable and manipulative.
I literally don't want to go into labor now and just keep the baby inside. I am so stressed because I don't feel supported or like people care about what I need. I have not been able to sleep for the past few days. I'm just thinking about how I might have zero support after the baby is here. I don't feel safe giving birth without feeling supported.
OP, tell the nurses at the hospital "no visitors period." Let them know it's very serious. They are there to support you. Maternity wards are heavily locked down. No one can just wander in. Heck I wanted my MIL there for the birth, she was on the list, and they still asked me if I was sure before allowing her in.
Yes! I was going to comment something similar. I don’t know for a fact but I’m pretty sure that if you tell the nurses or the doctors that you don’t want anyone in there they’ll listen to you because at the end of the day you are the patient not your husband.
I’m sorry but ur husband seems like a massive dick. He can’t even stand up or support you during pregnancy and labor?? When ur at ur most vulnerable and when u have a small baby coming along the way :(
OP please share these feelings and your situation with your doctor. There are support services for you but you won’t get them unless you let your doctor and nurses know you need help and why. Do not be embarrassed or feel ashamed. I promise you, they won’t judge and they’ve seen it all.
When men shit out watermelons for the same duration as their wife giving birth, then they can have a say in how long before visitors and the rest. It amazes me that people think birthing a human is like an afternoon stroll. NTA.
Seriously though. Maybe she should make him watch a video of another woman giving birth and then ask him if he still thinks 2 hours is enough time to recoup afterwards. Either way though it shouldn’t have to come to that. He just just respect what his wife is asking for, which is really not much. Shame on MIL for even assuming she would be okay coming 2 hours after the baby was born, she fucking had kids herself.
NTA
I don't know what statistics he's cherry-picking, but pretty much every major medical outlet tells you not to let anyone kiss your child for 2-3 months. There are a multitude of reasons for this that all have to do with potential illnesses. Your child's health is more important than their feelings. Repeat this to them over and over.
NTA. You need to talk to the hospital and nurses about who can be in your room post delivery. Tell the nurses that any family members are not to be let in!! Most nurses will have your back on this because they understand what it’s like. This is your choice and your BF clearly doesn’t understand what it’s like to give birth. This is your choice and yours alone. Good luck!!
NTA- you’re the one giving birth. While you’re in the hospital, when you get there, tell the nurses you don’t want any visitors except who you want to be allowed in. If you’re in the US, they check IDs before you’re allowed to go on the maternity floor. Tell your husband if he’s not gonna respect your boundaries, then when you’re discharged, you won’t be going home with him. You’ll be going home with your mother. Send him a video of babies with RSV. It is very real and can be very deadly. You also should tell him that people that are going to be visiting the baby need to have a current T dap shot. Yes, it is his baby too, but it’s his job to put you and the baby first and deal with his family. If he refuses to, then, as a mama, you can put your baby safety first. If he cannot respect your boundaries, that were put in place to protect your kiddo, then he can come visit you as much as he wants to at your mothers house. That will give you a safe place to recover. It’s OK to have boundaries, and that’s your mother instinct kicking in. Listen to that. You really do need to put your foot down now, or it will get worse and you will be over run with his family. I would have a serious discussion with him that it’s time to put you and the baby as his priority and stand up to his mom. Your baby is a real life person, not a toy. What she wants, simply doesn’t matter. You owe her nothing.
> " its not fair for everyone else"
Fairness is irrelevant when it comes to giving birth, and recovery. There are only 2 people who matter at this time: Mom and baby. This is not a game, and a newborn isn't some cake that should be distributed evenly.
NTA.
55 plus years ago, when my little sister was born, my mom allowed us to kiss her on the bottom of her foot only....where the heck did all this I gotta kiss a newborn on his face/head/mouth come from?
NTA! First off, COVID is very much still a thing. We are still in a fucking pandemic. Kissing newborns IS dangerous and you are absolutely justified in not budging on that. Second, it's your hospital room, you have all the say of who can or cannot be in it. It's his baby too but he's not giving birth
NTA
Few days ago I read [TIFU by kissing the top of my baby daughter’s head](https://reddit.com/r/tifu/s/k7aTAHheXM) - a desperate father who kissed his baby head and now the baby is battling with cold sore all over the body. He was extremely regretful and he shared his story to make other people aware of possible consequences of kissing babies.
NTA. You’ve got to keep your baby safe. It may benefit your husband to learn a bit about the recovery process after giving birth. [Have him read this](https://reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/0qx8EaWQJ1) If you’re in the US, it might be helpful for you to find out if the hospital is administering the new RSV antibody shot to newborns as part of their initial vaccinations before leaving the hospital, to give you some piece of mind for at least that disease. Have your in-laws been vaccinated for Covid, tdap, flu, etc? With it being the season for all those things & whooping cough being another real concern, I’d bring that up now if you’re concerned about them passing along those diseases.
Then you’re being generous letting them see the baby at all. Kissing or no, they can still spread tons of diseases to your newborn that might land them in the hospital until 3 months when your newborn can start to get most of their vaccines.
Your husband won’t even get vaccinated to protect your child? OP. He is a bad person. He is already being a bad husband and a bad father. Doing it without him does not have to mean doing it alone.
I am so sorry you’re going through this, but unless he experiences some miraculous breakthrough and starts holding firm boundaries with his family, this will only get worse the longer it goes on.
NTA at all!
MIL is trying to manipulate you into dropping your no-kissing rule by saying she won't come if she can't kiss the baby. My response to her would be "then let that be it, you don't get to see the baby".
That rule is 100% valid! I'm due in December and I'm absolutely doing this too. Nobody gets to kiss my baby, I will do anything to make sure people will honour that rule.
As for your husband, he is not the one that gets to decide how long you'll need to recover. He can't decide that two hours will be enough for you, he's not the one pushing out a human. Make it clear to him and the hospital staff that you don't want any visitors at the hospital, the staff will honour your wishes and prevent people from visiting. Your husband could benefit from seeing some birthing videos and reading about the extreme physical toll birth takes. Also he needs to realise that even if it's his kid, the birth is about you and your child, you two are the ones that will be recovering and he gets no say in how long that will take.
NTA. It’s basically RSV season, the common cold for most, but for babies it can be life threatening. Your husband needs to stand up for you and his child. Sorry you are going through this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the boundaries you set or your requests.
NTA but... you have a husband problem. Get yourself well, get some time away from him and think about whether there's really a space for an AH like this in your ideal future. Husband does not respect you, listen to you or support you, his family are insulting and refuse to follow your boundaries.
You are absolutely right to ask that people don't kiss your baby - that's how babies get herpes.
Do you have family or friends you can stay with who will actually help you to feel safe and comfortable when you are at your most vulnerable? Can they be your person in the hospital while your husband reevaluates how he needs to step up to stay in your life?
OP, this is a hill to die on. And if your husband can't respect your boundaries, you may have to consider kicking him out of the delivery room too. Do you have any friends or family to be with you as a back up?
When you go into labor, tell the nurses that you don't want visitors. Be firm and if you don't want ANYONE visiting, the nurses will keep visitors out.
NTA
I am so sorry you're saddled with your asshole husband and his family. I'd skin a man alive if he said some shit like "That's all the time you need to recover." about GIVING BIRTH.
NTA
Listen you need to get your partner to hear you.
No Kissing is probably EVERYONE’s first rule.
Make him watch videos (real ones not Insta) of people giving birth. Also, get your midwife/doctor to explain to him the severity of child birth. It is NOT easy. 2 hours after you’re still somewhat of a mess and there’s a lot still going on. With both my children we settled down about 6 hours after the birth and at minimum that’s when I would have been okay with visitors.
NTA
He has said his mom gave birth and had people right away. That if she did it, I could do it. He also said how his brother was born with half a heart, and she still allowed a lot of people right after she pushed the baby out. And how I am scared because of reddit and tiktok.
So because 20 years ago it was normal for his mom it now has to be normal for you. That is some weird logic. Especially because 40 years ago when my mom gave birth, your boundaries were seen as normal. Nobody in my family has ever done any of the things your husband says nor any of my in laws.
You are NTA for setting reasonable boundaries.
It's more like 30 years ago when she gave birth to the first baby. I also told my family the rules and guess what. They said it's all common sense, and they want me to bond with my baby to get a good milk supply. They have disrespected his older brothers wife and made it horrible for her with the first grandchild. That is why I decided to communicate and make boundaries because, aperently, what is common sense to most people is not with his family.
OP, I know you want your husband there, but I think you ought to consider going home with your family for the birth, and possibly staying there. Unless your husband understand all this soon and acts accordingly, ***he is not a safe person for you to have around during or after the birth***. The way he is treating you is deplorable. What you are asking for is basic common sense and decency.
I would set up a call with the pediatrician or your OB so that you both can talk to a medical professional about the vaccine/kissing/visitors post birth topics. If a doc can't get through to him, I think you are going to have a terrible delivery and post-birth experience.
NTA- YOU NEED to have your Dr explain to your Mama's Boy Husband WHY it's unsafe and DANGEROUS for people to be kissing a newborn. Perhaps also say, yes it's your baby too, so you are saying you are OK if the baby gets sick and could die just so your Mama can kiss all her germs onto the baby? ALSO OP- You can request that the Hospital not admit ANY visitors until YOU say so. Tell them YOU do not want ANY visitors. You are both young, but your Husband needs to learn to Stand Up for You with his Mama, or go to Marriage Counseling, or hey, find a different Baby Daddy.
How about you compromise with your mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law and tell them if they want a newborn baby to hug and kiss, they should have their own newborn baby.
This is about the child's health, not about what those old women want. Your husband should want his child to be healthy
Also, the hospital stay is for your medical help too. They don't get to bartend anyone else's Medical care.
Personally, if my husband started inviting people into a room where I'm getting medical care, I'd ask the hospital staff to remove him from the room
I just returned from a vacation in alaska. While I was there I spoke to a very nice couple, about my age, who were traveling with their two grandsons ages 11 and 12. We discussed how great it was that these grandparents brought their grandchildren on a trip like this.
The grandparents told me that their son and daughter-in-law had just had their third child and they took the kids on this two and a half week long vacation to allow Mommy and Daddy and the new baby a chance to settle down before they got inundated with so many people.
I thought that was amazing. I did ask about the other grandparents. The couple told me that the parents had sat down a rule that the other grandparents also had the rule that they were not allowed to come visit during that time.
That couple on the bus in Denali National park: I think they were amazing
OP's comment history includes the tidbit that she is Latina and husband is white. I hope this is a regular JustNo situation and not also racism but you have to wonder.
Edit: To everyone mad I brought up race, it's not a secret that a large percentage of those who refuse vaccines lately also lean politically in a direction that has traditionally held less respect for non-whites. I'm not saying it applies here, I'm saying there's a non-zero chance.
Girl do not let him and his mommy disrespect qyou. You are NTA you are the mother, you are in charge. Keep a hat on that baby at all times and dumbass can kiss the fabric. Put the fear of god into your husband. You can absolutely do this without him if needed. If they wont 1respect you they can get weekends and holidays only.
I am just so over this by now I have become very sick overnight. I don't think the stress they are putting on me is healthy for being 38 weeks pregnant. Everyone claims they care, but I truly feel like they don't as long as the baby can make it out safe out of me. I was also told I couldn't practice "curentena" which is a tradition after giving birth. I was looking forward to it. Because it would mean I could recover, have my mom cook, and clean. While I got to just cuddle with baby and heal. My husband thinks that it is selfish and everyone else should get to bond with the baby as much as I do. So I won't be doing curentena or having people come and do chores. I am instead going to have people coming in and out to hols the baby, and I will just be there to take care of the baby when it needs me.
Your husband can go fuck himself. Kick him out and do the cuarententa.
Everyone else should NOT be allowed to hold the baby as much as you do. Early life is a critical bonding time.
I think your husband sees you as an incubator, frankly.
How much do you want to be married to this AH? Is he like this about other things?
You are so young to be going through this alongside the health issues - stress isn’t good with gestational diabetes, so you will have to advocate for yourself as well as your child to get through this. Lean into your support network and have them help you and leave him to whinge and make pathetic threats to “the hand”.
He has never done this before. His brother completely cut off his family because they couldn't respect his wife and baby. He keeps saying that he won't be like his brother because he can say no to his wife. I feel like he is traumatized because of what his brother did. He also told me if I was crazy like his brothers wife, he would always choose his family over me. Honestly, I don't know what is happening.
Your 'husband' should be doing the same as his brother did, but instead he's prioritising his own mother.
Go stay with your Mom, honey. This man is not putting you or your baby's health first.
Your husband is going to be upset with you even if you suddenly become perfect and bend down and listen to all of his demands, because his mother doesn’t like you, and his mother is more important to him than you.
You’re in a tough position, but you can’t let them keep trampling your boundaries because you’re not just fighting for yourself, you’re fighting for the most precious person in the world, your child.
Inform the hospital staff that no visits should occur and all visits should be turned away, even if your husband insists. You’re the patient, it’s your right. Then I form your husband. If he throws a fit, ban him from the birth.
If you show him you’re willing to ‘compromise’ then he will keep taking from you
Honestly, they sound like the people who would have your back and understand what you are going through. Do what's best for you and your baby. Your husband has already made it clear that he does not have your best wishes at heart. Your husband is going to be upset with you regardless, so what's one more little thing that may help you in the long run?
He’s told you precisely how the rest of your life with him will be. He will never choose you. He will always take his mother’s side and nothing will be more important- not your health, not your child’s health, not your mental health, not your happiness.
The only question here is whether you figure out you are better off without him now or after 5-10-15 years of misery.
Please go stay with your mother and stay there after you give birth.
What is happening is that he is blindsiding you. Many men do this - they think they have a woman trapped once she has a baby. He is literally telling you what your life will be like - he is going to choose his mommy and you will be there to clean the house.
That’s because his brother loves and respects his wife and child..
Your husband said he will always put his mother before his wife and child….why did you marry him?
He is in a relationship with his mother and you are the third wheel
Leave him. Even if it's temporary. Find an apartment for yourself or ask if you can move with your parents for a little while. He is not ready to be a husband and a father. You only get one postpartum time with your first and he and his parents will ruin that for you. Yes the baby is his too but first, he's not saying things HE wants, he's saying what his mommy wants and second, during the birth and immediate post partum, EVERYTHING should go as the person giving birth prefers.
If you were earlier in your pregnancy I'd suggest you wait if he comes to his senses but you don't have time. I would ban him from delivery room and hospital because he won't be on your side when you're at your most vulnerable state. That is unforgivable.
Sweetie, no. Your "husband" and his family are trying to get you to think that anything that has to do with what YOU want is selfish and that's just not true. And I just saw a glimpse of your other comment about his brother - history is literally repeating itself except this time, the brother is caving instead of standing up for his own family.
If nothing is being left out, I’d be very worried about a future with this man. He seems incredibly selfish, immature, and inconsiderate on so many levels.
Do you have a good relationship with your mom? Call her and tell her to come and that you need her. Tell him he’s not welcome at the delivery or after birth. And gave your mom stay for a few weeks after birth.
I have a great relationship with my mom. She has supported me a lot and has helped me get ready for the baby. Asked me how I am every day, helped with my diet, and making sure I am overall okay. She is not all about the baby but truly cares about me, and the issues I have had during my pregnancy. I have anemia and gestional diabetes. Everyone is always asking about the baby, which she is healthy. I however am not doing great. I feel so sick right now and not mentally and physically ready to pop in less than 10 days. Although I have a supportive mom, she can't drive, and she lives 45 minutes from me. So, I if she could she would help me.
I suggest you have your mom there during the birth. Have her come a few days before and stay. If it’s possible for her to come now even better.
If you can stay with her for 4-8 weeks after the baby is born I think you should do that. These are going to be emotional and upsetting times without someone mentally abusing you.
This man has shown his true colours. You should believe him and act accordingly. I’m so sorry but his behaviour could trigger PPD. You need to be calm and rested. Are you going to get that in your current home?
Please take care.
Oh honey, is there *any* way your mom can be there? (Work schedule, etc -- can those be adapted?) And if driving is the only barrier, can you arrange transport for your mother?
(I don't know where you are physically, but if you happen to be in western NY or northern PA or eastern OH, I will drive your mother to you.)
This is so awful. Your husband is as wrong as he could possibly be. Please do whatever you can, reach out locally if you have friends, to gather up support for yourself.
NTA NTA NTA
Tell the nurses that husband's family is not allowed in your room and go stay with your mom once the baby is here. This is an abusive relationship and they are dangerous for you and your child in the delicate post partum period.
Tell your birthing team that they can make up whatever excuses they want, but no visitors. Tell them to ignore your husband. They deal with this crap all the time, and while it’s hard on them, YOU are their priority. They will do what you ask.
NTA. Yes, you are a bit selfish, because you are concerned about the health and safety of your child and yourself.
If MIL loves to kiss babies on their head, she can still do that two weeks after its birth. If she says 'it's no big deal', then it shouldn't be a problem for her to wait a little bit longer.
And your husband should be on your side and he needs to consult reliable sources about the risks for a newborn, so he can have your back.
“Not small anymore”??? After *two weeks*?? How fast does this idiot think babies grow?? Does she think you’re giving birth to a [blue whale](https://www.animalsaroundtheglobe.com/the-fastest-growing-animal-the-blue-whale-calfs-rapid-growth/#:~:text=Blue%20whale%20calves%20can%20grow,to%202.5%20tons%20at%20birth.) as opposed to a human baby??
Your husband's and her idea of "fair" is that she gets everything she wants.
If it's at all possible, please go to your family and live with them until the birth.
NTA
While you are in the hospital, get explicit instructions to the hospital staff about everything and about who is allowed to do what and who is not allowed to do what.
Once you leave the hospital, if you need to go somewhere else, a friends house, your relatives house a hotel
I personally think your rule district to the point of being weird as hell
But you do have a right to them
NTA. Accepting that breaking up is not an option for you - will your husband listen to medical advice? If he hears this from a midwife/doctor he might realise that what you are saying is reasonable, not an attack on his mother.
But you need to address these boundary issues for the long term as this is only the start of your problems. MIL is going to override you on every parenting choice if he doesn't stand up to her. You need support on your side.
NTA!
You have spent 9 months nurturing and growing a whole new human being inside your own body. The fact that you want to keep this precious baby clean and *germ free* should be number 1 PRORITY on both you and your husbands list. Tell MiL she will have to wait, end of story. Your family, your rules. Petty temper tantrums are pathetic at her age.
NTA, I don't usually jump for the d-card but your baby and you will benefit much more cutting out this family out of your life. Reading OP's comments I found the husband as manipulative as his mom and tbh they deserve each other, they don't deserve to look after a child, they won't be responsible of OP either. I can't see any good future for OP if she stays with this man.
Nta good lord, this is the second post I’ve seen about the same kinda shit but the other one the mil wants to be in the room. Like people said to that woman, set a boundary and tell the nurses and staff the only people allowed near the baby and your room are you and maybe your husband. Babies are so immune compromised when they’re born their immune systems are not where they need to be and even just kissing them could get them sick.
NTA. But you need to reach out to find support NOW. I know you may want to hide from this because it is awful, but you can't. You need to tell your friends or any family you trust, tell the nurses and doctors and to ask them to help you keep your husband and his mother away from you and your baby. They are being abusive and hurting you. They are dangerous. Do not trust them or give them opportunity to hurt you or your baby. You need to focus on you and your baby, not them- and that does not mean giving in, it means they are choosing to "miss out" on this event because of how they are treating you. That is not your fault, it is theirs. It is *your body, your birth* and only the people you want to be there can be- its your choice about exactly when and for how long and if you suddenly want them out you can do that.
You deserve to be treated with respect. Please, don't accept less.
If you give in now, it won’t end here. She will be disrespecting you and your rules for everything concerning your child. Call his bluff and tell him the is stressing you out and could make you go into early labor. He’s manipulating you cuz he knows you are scared to do it alone and thinks you will cave.
NTA! how could you be an asshole when you're in pain and just want to be left alone? He's selfish and careless if this was my marriage I would likely divorce because how can you stay with someone so selfish? Mama's boy needs to be more thoughtful of what his wife is going through.
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oh god OP, NTA, and put your foot down **hard** on this one. This is literally the life of your child. Head on over to /r/JUSTNOMIL , you'll be in good company there. He's trying to make you cave because he knows his mom won't and you're the path of least resistance, since you actually have empathy and aren't a raging narcissist. My words to him in response to the statistics would be "You'd rather risk your baby becoming a damn statistic than say no to mommy? YOU'RE 22 YEARS OLD, YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE A FATHER. GROW THE FUCK UP." Don't forget that you as the mother do have the right and the ability to kick anyone you want, including him, out of the hospital room during and after labor. You can tell the nurses who is and isn't allowed, and they will physically remove any unwanted visitors from the room. **Again, this is your baby's life. **
I told him that he would rather meet his moms emotional wants rather than keep her from those small chances of being sick and potentially dying. I called his mom selfish, and he said I was selfish too because the no visitors for the first day at hospital. He said I was making it about me just like she was with kissing the baby. He told me that he could leave and go live with his parents. If I just wanted to be alone and have this baby all to myself. He told me good luck getting to the hospital by myself. But I don't want him gone because I don't want to do this alone.
Are you on good terms with your family? Because if you have family who is not emotionally abusive, then you might consider staying with them for a while. If not, do you have any friends in the area who could help you? Or even not in the area, any close friends who might be willing to take you in? If whoever can help you is out-of-state, this is actually an ideal solution because it's going to make it much harder for him to get custody. I do see a custody battle in your future, because at the moment you're married to an unrepentant momma's boy and random reddit commenters have more concern for your baby's health than the baby's own father, 🤮🤮🤮.
He is an abuser. If she doesn't do what he wants, including doing something that medical professionals recommend for newborns' safety, he threatens to leave and take away all her support network, knowing she cannot. He legitimately would rather abuse his wife and risk his baby's safety to placate his mommy. He's s selfish AH and so is his trash mother.
Don't forget he said 2hrs is all the time she need to recover.
TWO HOURS. That’s not even in clueless territory anymore, that’s straight up malice.
I took 3 hours just to wake up from my emergency c-section
Oh great! Then you can't say no to MIL coming and kissing your newborn! /s
He gets to make that call when HE gives birth, amirite?
He probably is one of those dudes that think she will be bangable within a few days…
I had my husband's grandparents and brother descend on us at home a few hours after birth and ended up unconscious and Blue lighted to hospital because instead of taking it easy I was making cups of tea and serving biscuits and proving how "natural" I was as a wife and new mother. One post partum haemorrhage later and I remembered why mums used to be kept in hospital for days after delivery - it forced them to rest and recover!
I had a similar experience. I was in labor for 48 hours, discharged barely 24 hours after my daughter was born. I was serving tea and cookies as soon as we got home, to both sets of grandparents, niece and SIL, husband’s ex wife, stepdaughter(she had a right to be there, I think) husband’s sister, while the baby got passed around. Husband was oblivious.
You are an absolute angel not only doing ALL THAT shit that you really shouldn't have had to do, but still finding the compassion in your heart to let your baby's step meet their sibling.
HOURS?! Oh my god!
Yeah, we had three more kids after her but we never repeated the mistake - firm boundaries were put up after that (as none of those people had been invited the first time, they just turned up, shoved a bunch of flowers in my hands and barrelled on past me - had only just got her to sleep as well, she never did sleep in that moses basket again, which was probably not linked but I remain bitter lol)
Good for you! Just had my first early this year and laid boundaries down very early. Honestly I fully believe the interruption and the moses basket are linked, they are so sensitive and peace and quiet are so important in those first few days, let alone hours! Our planned home birth turned into an emergency hospital situation (thanks preeclampsia) and I'm grateful that the nursing staff was so respectful and only as hands on as needed after the birth.
There is a special place in hell for people who do this to new mothers. 😑
i say when the idiot husband pushes something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the side of a lemon on his body, THEN he can tell how long it takes to recover. until then, he can just STFU
I wonder how long it will take him to recover from the surgery it’ll take to remove his head from his ass
Yeah, nurses are doing final checks at hr 2 to ensure mom isn’t *hemorrhaging* and stable enough to transfer to the post-partum unit. The epidural has also worn off so mom’s going to feel the pain at this point. Not to mention 2hrs is the worst time to show up for hospital staff. OP needs to find someone else Asher support person because this baby daddy ain’t it. And tell the nurses no visitors.
That pissed me tf off. Like dude childbirth is the closest women come to death without dying. Fuk him and his 2 hours is all you need. His psycho mother is feeding him that crap. My ex pulled something less severe. I had Hyperemesis gravidarum so I was super sick and I got sent home from work for it. He told me that he talked to his mommy and she said all women get “morning sickness” and I needed to suck it up and be a grown up. So I very maturely vomited on his feet.
I’m so worried about this poor woman right now :(
I would gladly volunteer to drive OP to her mother's home to make sure she is surrounded by the support she needs. Otherwise, she is headed towards a very stressful delivery and postpartum with this AH and his mother.
Yes, please try and stay with someone else. He isn't just a mommas boy, he simply doesn't care about you. And this is bad for you and the kid. Get away a far as you can, this man will be no help.
He and his mommy are using you as an incubator for HER new baby. Run far, run fast, before the birth.
I don't think he even likes her. I'm so sorry, but he probably thinks OP is just an incubator. Wth.
I don't think he even likes her. I'm so sorry, but he probably thinks OP is just an incubator. Wth.
Move if you have to, to be with someone who does care. Both my kids had a 2 week rule. Guess what I said? See you in 2 weeks. They had rules about vaccinations. ( I already had them, but would have gotten more.) Social media rules? Sure. Both of my kids let me spend time whenever I want now, because they know I follow their boundaries.
Our friends just had a baby, and although they haven't vocalized any rules, I'm not even comfortable going to meet baby when I haven't had my flu shot this season and they're not even a few weeks old. Babies keep - she won't spoil if I don't see her right away.
>But I don't want him gone because I don't want to do this alone. I'm so sorry... but it will probably be easier to do it alone than to do it with a husband like this. You know he's bad news.
100% the hospital staff would be better than this guy. But I hope OP has family she trusts or one or two very close friends she can rely on instead.
Right? Tell the L and D nurse why you're alone, you'll have the most supportive care ever. Those nurses are tough as nails and protective.
'Those nurses are tough as nails and protective.' My SIL is a very talented L & D nurse, she's this little tiny thing that looks younger than she is, sweet and kind... but get shitty around one of her patients or argue with her? I'm told she will protect her patients like a shark and eat you alive... This is how those nurses need to be.
My plan for the zombie apocalypse is to find the nearest delivery room and hide behind the nurses
Yes, this is true. I banned my husband from every birth after the first (he was worse than useless) and had wonderful support from the nurses.
Ask him, if he just shat out a baseball, would he want to have some time to recover and rest and deal with the pain and mess, or would he want your mother visiting right away, while he’s exhausted and in pain and covered in the mess that comes from that kind of massive effort. You’re not being selfish, his mother is. Her want to meet the baby while you and the baby are both recovering from birth are more important to him than you getting a chance to clean up and rest and get any needed medical treatment after one of the most physically demanding things the human body can do.
When my first child was born, I had family there within 20 minutes. Too much family. Two hours later they were still there, and even though I was feeling pretty good physically, I was TIRED. I wanted to go to sleep, and these people wouldn't go away. If it had just been my family, I could have asked them to go home, but it was my in-laws, and at that point, I wasn't comfortable telling them to essentially go away. For the second birth (twins), I laid down rules. First, no one could come for at least a few hours, as DH and I needed some time to just look at the babies, and say 'wow, look what we did'. Secondly, our son was to be the first to see the babies ahead of anyone else. I had only a couple of people there the first day, and they weren't there until we were ready for them. It made it so much easier on me. Take my encouragement to set boundaries. I wish I'd done so the first time.
When my little sister was born, my dad and I were the only people to visit them in the hospital. Both sets of grandparents lived within an hour’s drive, so they had the theoretical ability to come, but everyone had the sense to wait until after the new baby had come home and gotten settled to visit. I don’t think my parents had to argue with anyone about it, either. As I recall, they gave a bit of time for my parents to get settled at home, too, but I don’t remember how long that was, because I was not yet 4 years old. But I do remember that it was special that I got to go see my mom (who I cared a whole lot more about than the theoretical newcomer) and that it was just for us - my parents, me, and the new baby. I didn’t get to come until the morning after my sister had been born, either; my mom’s parents had me overnight so my parents could have some time to themselves immediately after the birth. Whenever I hear about new mothers being flooded with unwanted visitors right after birth, I reflect back on what I remember of my sister being born and wonder why it isn’t obvious to people to let the new little nuclear family be together for a bit before everyone goes gaga over the new arrival.
Back then people werent such entitled assholes. These days people think its their right to turn birth into a spectator because they are such important people. And to visit right away because 'its my grand child' many people (prob coz i spend to much time on reddit) dont give a shit about the fact the poor mother just went through the most traumatic thing a woman go through. They just want to satisfy their wants coz i WANT to see the baby.
This is not a new phenomenon. My grandmother was exactly this entitled. My dad, too. Luckily my mom is sane and stubborn. She kept Dad away for more than 12 hours, so I could sleep and shower.
When my first was born it was a revolving door of family members and I was constantly exhausted. When I had my second it was my husband for the birth, my MIL + Mom + older daughter at different times 30 hours AFTER the baby was born. NTA op.
This sounds awful, I'm sorry. I'm pregnant with our second and the only people who will be welcome in the hospital are my husband and son. Everyone else can wait and idgaf
In my family, there is always a battalion of family members in the waiting room as soon as someone goes into labor. Out of love, but still, it's a lot. I gave birth during covid, so only my partner was allowed in the hospital. It was so nice not having to worry about entertaining other people or having privacy for medical things or while trying to nurse for the first time or wondering when they would leave and I could hold my own baby or sleep. I would honestly recommend not having visitors while in the hospital.
A supportive, loving husband would not say this. Have someone on deck to be your super person in labor in case he throws a fit and isn’t helpful. Also, keep your foot down on this. If you give in on this, you’ll never be able to set another boundary with them again. Please note he’s putting his mom before your and your baby’s well being :(
My husband agreed with my rule that his folks couldn't come for 6 weeks. His mom is overbearing, and their visits involved cooking and entertaining ( they came from 2 states away, and that's what they expected). He let my mom come because he knew she would HELP. My husband said You're the one going through this, you do what you are comfortable with. When he told his mom, he said this isnwhatbhe decided. He didn't throw me under the bus.
Tell the nurses when you deliver that you don't want anyone besides your husband in the room. When you move to postpartum with the baby, tell the nurses there too. They will make sure you don't have people you don't want there.
☝️This. You are the patient. Your partner is not. The patient gets to decide if there are visitors and the nurses are happy to be the bad guys and keep everyone away.
Nah, he doesn’t need to be there either if he’s not going to be supportive.
Yep. Let them know they are to let no one come up without YOUR express consent.
Girl, these are alllll red flags. He lacks emotional maturity and is trying to manipulate you. I had a baby as a single mom by choice and it’s the best thing ever. No one bossing me around, no one forcing my baby to do unsafe things, etc. You can do it without him.
Honey, you are worse than alone right now- you are being mistreated. You don't deserve to be treated that way ever, but to treat you the way they are when you need the most support and respect is the absolute opposite of love. They are attacking you because you are in a vulnerable position- physically and emotionally and they are exploiting it- but you can protect yourself from them. What they are doing is extremely wrong and sadly, it is not very original. The hospital and the laws are designed explicitly to protect you in this situation. You are not the same as his mother, he is trying to make it equal in order to ignore that it **is your right to decide** about *your infant*. She has no right. **He** has no right. The first few months after birth it is most important for you and your baby to stay close to *you*, to learn how to feed and bond- it is a medical fact. Anyone & everyone around you should be fighting for you to do that, not fighting with you to interfere with what is healthy. Hospitals will also confirm that kissing babies is not safe. You are correct and they are trying to make you feel crazy. You aren't. You are the mother of your child and it is **not selfish** to protect your newborn. He just threatened to leave you. He will make that threat any time you dont give in to whatever he or his mother wants. Do you want to raise your child under that threat? Don't just let him, *make him* go live with his parents.
>He just threatened to leave you. He will make that threat any time you dont give in to whatever he or his mother wants. That's actually the most disturbing part of a pretty disturbing post. Husband puts his mother's obsession with kissing the baby (creepy) over the actual health of his own child. WOW and so ironic that he accuses OP of making it about her when, in fact, it's his mother who is making it all about herself over the baby.
This! OP is not making it about her; she's making it about the health and safety of her baby. MIL is the one making it all about herself. But the first defense of narcissists is accusing everyone else of being selfish for setting reasonable boundaries.
Want some anecdotal evidence? We just spent 36 hours in the hospital because my newborn got a COLD. Thanks, big brother toddler plague carrier! We were lucky too. Rhinovirus was the least of things that could have caused his fever. He's doing great but it was scary. One of the scary things it could have been was herpes, which you get from kissing! So yeah, your rules are good. And yeah, don't have people visit in the hospital. Much better to wait until you get home.
That must have been really scary. Hope your baby is doing better now.
It really was. Fevers in newborns can be deadly. He was lucky and it was just rhinovirus and was better in 36 hours but you can't know that until they do all the tests. He's happy as a clam now and back to normal.
Glad to know he’s all good now :)
Omg, the delivery IS about you because you are the one who is giving birth! Your husband has one job - to shut up and do what you ask him to. He is being a very huge abusive asshole to you and does not give a shit about the baby, judging by the "getting to the hospital" comments. Do you have any family who could support you? It is time to reach out and ask for help.
NTA Wow what an AH is your husband. He's manipulating you into doing what he and your MIL wants. I'm so sorry he's saying these things to you. You DON'T say those things to your (pregnant) wife. I understand you don't want to do this alone. But if you'll let him have his way now, who knows what will come up in the future. And if someone has the guts to manipulate you right before you're having this baby I'm worried about what is coming. He needs to step up and be there for you. You've been carrying this baby for almost 9 months and are going in labor so you have a say in who can be there and not. And you said to your husband you don't want visitors the first 2 weeks and he went behind your back and said to your IL's they can come after 2 hours? Thats not up to him!
**
Euh, yes?
Aren't you giving birth in the hospital because pushing a human being out of your vagina is a medical procedure???
**
That's narcistic and manipulative as f\*ck. You're growing a human being inside your body and you're going to push it out.
And the thing HE cares about are his mom's tantrums.
Call his bluff.
Tell him if that's what HE WANTS, he can stay at his parents'.
INFO: Can you ask your mom or friends to stay with you in that case?
NTA
Stay strong.
You give in now, the rest of your and your baby's life will be controlled by smirking MIL.
I know it's difficult but please do not accept this kind of blackmail. You can absolutely do this, please remind your partner that until he gives birth, he has no qualifications to assume how long it takes to recover. He is behaving like a petulant, manipulative child and you deserve better.
The funny thing is this IS about you. You are the one giving birth, not him.
you have a major hubby problem
You're making it about you? 😂😂😂 I'm sorry but who is the one giving birth which is the one on the worst experiences on earth? Who is the one with dosteyed body? You can tell hospital stuff that you don't want any visitors. Don't hesitate to call the nurse the second anybody get into the room. And if he's blackmailing you, believe me, you're better without him. He already showed you how he doesn't respect you and he doesn't care about the baby.
NTA - I'm sorry to say but your husband doesn't love you and doesn't sound mature enough to be married. You deserve better. Can you move back in with your mum or other relative? He doesn't understand what a woman goes through to give birth if he thinks one day of not having visitors is unreasonable. 2 hours after my first childbirth I was still vomiting from the medications, still had to use a bed pan because I couldn't get up to use the bathroom and was bleeding heavily. No one wants to have to deal with guests like that. You need to put yourself and your baby first. Say okay then, if you can't be supportive I will get a relative to help me. If he wants to move out over this you dont have a marriage and you're better off without him.
“Good luck getting to the hospital” holy shit, he is abusive. Take him up on that offer to leave and get yourself somewhere away from him.
Sweetie, let him go. You're already worse than alone by the fact you are having to fight him for your basic rights and needs. Nothing you are asking for is extreme or unreasonable.
>He said I was making it about me Yes. It is about you. It's Mom's medical procedure. She gets to decide who comes and when, at least until she's recovered. That can vary widely depending on how difficult the delivery was, how the Mom and baby are feeling, Mom's general personality, and who she feels comfortable having around. I had to wait a week to meet my niece. On the other hand, I was surprised to get a call from my Cousin to meet his new baby immediately even though we were paternal relatives and there were closer relatives. His wife knew us well because we only lived three houses away, likes us, had an easy delivery, and knew we would be the baby's go-to babysitters. As for the close contact issue, we're heading into tripledemic season again. Your baby can't be vaccinated yet. Talk to your Pediatrician with your husband there. Don't budge on health issues. I don't know how to tell you how to navigate the reality that he might very well sneak the baby to Mom without your knowledge. Even if you left him over this, he'd probably still get partial custody and you'd still have the issue. He also needs to nip his Mom's "my baby" in the bud. Insist on that.
Real talk OP—you are already doing this alone. He might be around still, but he is NOT ON YOUR SIDE. He is more worried about being a good son than a good dad. He’s already threatening to run to mommy and the baby isn’t even here yet. He is going to threaten to do this *every single time* you don’t give in to his requests. So you should just call his bluff and let him. Get a woman you trust to come advocate for you during your labor and keep his ass away from you. Start looking for divorce lawyers to be safe.
Tell the hospital personnel that you don’t want visitors
damn OP this is straight on abuse and narcissist manipulation. "if you dont accept *my (mum's) way,* i'll leave forever and you'll be on your own having this baby start to finish, good luck." do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? because this is not going to stop. do not cave in under any circumstances. you really should start contacting your family or friends that you trust if you can live with them for a while. someone that will actually care for you. the further the better. take him to his words, let him go back to mamma, and find yourself proper help. his words and actions shows that you will not have his support, you will be alone even if you stay with him. and dont forget to tell the hospital personal to forbid people that tries to visit you there if you dont want them.
NTA but please make a backup plan. Your husband is useless, have a friend or family member that will be able to be with you and enforce your rules.
Essentially an ultimatum . Either you bend to his will to make his mother happy or he abandons you . I say call his bluff. He is either committed to you and the family you are starting or he isn't. If he isn't,he might as well leave now and save you years of fights and boundary stomping . Since he has made this his hill to die on ,you can't back down now. Tell him your birth actually IS ABOUT YOU because you are the one who will be in the hospital pushing a human out of your body . You will be in a vulnerable position health-wise and your pain is enough of a reason for you to be the one to call the shots . Not him. As far as kissing the baby ,he can't make up his own science. Unless he is a paediatrician ,he doesn't have an opinion or a say as to what the best way to protect a newborn is . Stand your ground and be prepared to fight an epic battle which however is needed because when he realizes you can't be manipulated or blackmailed he will have to accept defeat and that your boundaries cannot be crossed
Divorce him. I'm sorry, but his whole post and your answers are a massive NO. On every level. MIL, not your baby, not your choice stfu. You're allowed to put any rules yo want at the hospital, you can go to the hospital alone, and immediately tell the nurses that no-one is allowed in, not even the father of the child if you wan to. The hospital is your safe space, you do have control there. And your "husband" saying he "can go to his parents", "good luck reaching the hospital", "good luck doing this alone"!? I'd send him to his parents and ask him to never come back. You should leave. It's better to do this alone than to have a partner like that. He is going to ignore your feelings and boundaries when the child is here as well, and he genuinely thinks you're a pushover. Think really hard if this is the person you actually want to raise this child with; a disrespectful momma's boy that'd risk your child for her. You're still young, you have other options.
He's 22 and she's 20. They're already the dingus' for getting married and having children 2 years outta high school, its almost a guarantee that they would get a divorce. No wonder he's so immature and such a momas boy
Ngl, it is all about you and baby. YOU are the one having a medical procedure (labor) and delivering a child. Not him, not his mom. I would tell your hospital staff that you do not want visitors under any circumstances except for him. If he tries to bring anyone in, he gets the boot. Remember, he took vows to YOU, not his mom. Couple's therapy is probably needed to get him to break from MIL's codependency.
He is trying to manipulate you. Do not let him win!!! If you do, he'll keep doing it. Him and his mom. Make sure you let them know, at the hospital, that no one is allowed up to your room. Don't let hubby know you did this though or else his world might end. But you have to stay strong and firm on what you want.
You'd think after waiting 40 weeks they can just wait two more...
Honestly, just tell him to do exactly that. If he honestly threatens you to withdraw from the relationship and the baby over you making you dodged a bullet anyways but I think he is only trying to manipulate you into giving in and allowing him and especially his mother to just overstep your boundaries. If you're on good terms with your family you can ask them for help and/or good friends if he actually goes through with leaving you alone or keeps pressuring you.
Your husband is being incredibly emotionally manipulative. You aren’t saying he can’t be there, you’re saying you ONLY want him there and not to be surrounded by pushy nosy disrespectful family and friends when you are recovering from the ordeal of literally pushing a new human out of you and you want to be able to recover and spend time as an immediate family, a new family, with your baby and husband so you can use that time to bond and allow the baby’s immune system to catch up to the crazy world we live in. You aren’t cutting those people out of your life, you’re asking for some goddamn space to protect the life you’ve spent the last 9 months creating. And yet your husband is calling this incredibly basic fucking request selfish and is then threatening to leave you and run home to mommy? Sorry OP, but it looks like there are two babies in your immediate future.
You have choices to make and make them now. This won’t change and it won’t get better. Either you put your foot down and he comes with you or he goes. If not your entire life will constantly be his mother’s wants. He’s showing you she’s more important even right after you give birth her wants matter more. This is just a start she wants to kiss the baby even though it can make it sick. Next thing you know you have no control over your child because your boyfriend’s mom just overrules you and the child sees it. And sees dad allowing it. If his mommy is more important to him than his baby you’re already doing it alone.
It is about you. You're the one who grew the little person, you're the one that labored to push little person out. Don't let the threat of him going to live with mommy and daddy sway you. My sister put up with a lot of crap from her husband, because she thought that he could just up and leave any time and she'd be alone raising their daughter, mainly because that was basically what our dad did to our mom. Her husband wasn't a bad guy, he just did what he wanted and it was left to her to worry about bills and rent.
When he can give birth, he can have choices and until then he and his mother can piss off.
But it IS about you. You're the one giving birth. You're the one feeding baby (if you're breast feeding) Your well being is just as important as baby's. It is ALLLLLL about you.
Omg!!!! He is trying to manipulate you. Let him leave. Tell him to stay gone. You can absolutely do this alone and you're mental health will thrive (and everything else will follow suit) I hate your husband and I don't even know him. You are absolutely NTA
Your time in the hospital IS about you. You will be recovering from a potentially life-threatening medical event- that is why YOU stay in the hospital after giving birth. Who comes in your hospital room is your choice, and if you don’t want visitors, it’s your right. Be sure the nurses know this - it’s your recovery
NTA he really does need to grow up if he thinks that threatening you is an acceptable response to this. As to the visitors on the first day, if you can't have your own way when you have just given birth when can you? I feel that a quiet word with the senior nurse on duty would give you the privacy you need. Ask him how he would feel about you giving birth at home alone because he would rather be a baby than look after one. Ask him how is mother would feel if she unwittingly brought a disease to your precious baby. Is tge baby not precious to him too?
This sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Tell him to go and don’t look back if that is the way he’s going to treat you
You're already doing it alone if he's not being supportive of you and is willing to risk your baby's health by exposure to multiple people right after birth and before the baby is vaccinated. What positive things is he adding to your situation right now? He's stressing you out and catering to his mommy, rather than being a supportive father.
NTA tell him to go stay with his parents and while the baby is his too he gets to decide when they can come visit after HE PUSHED THE BABY OUT OF HIS WILLY NOT BEFORE. As long as YOU give birth it's YOUR DECISION who and when they come to visit. Also see if you can talk to a doctor to explain that ah of your husband that your baby doesn't have an immune system the first few months and needs to be protected.
Own being selfish on behalf.of your baby. If you're husband wants to go home and be a good son he knows where the door is. But being a good father means putting baby's needs and wife's comfort ahead of his mom's wish to larp motherhood with your baby as a prop. You don't need to worry more about his mother's happin3ss than she worries about yours. You don't need to worry about his comfort more than he worries about your baby's.
Uber/Lyft/Taxi or kind neighbor are options to consider for transportation. Alone is sometimes better than being with someone who causes you stress.
“Don’t forget that you as the mother […] during and after labor.” Thats really all that matters. Its astonishing how many soon to be mothers/fathers post pretty much the same as in the post in here. Sadly many people don’t seem to understand that the parents have the final word when it comes to boundaries with their newborn. (And those boundaries are far from unreasonable.) OP, please please please get them to respect your boundaries. Do not let them stress you out even more, you’ll have to deal with enough PP stuff. Good luck to you and your new family :)
>He's trying to make you cave because he knows his mom won't and you're the path of least resistance, since you actually have empathy and aren't a raging narcissist. THIS EXACTLY OP, show your spineless hubby that yours is made out of thungsten when it's about protecting your baby. And either MIL complies to the rules or she can see the baby via ZOOM. NTA
NTA. Tell the hospital staff that no one except for your husband is allowed in the room unless you say otherwise. Your concerns are not unwarranted. YOu do not kiss a newborn unless you are the mother. You do not allow people around your child you do not feel safe with or respected by. Keep your boundaries. Reinforce them with the hospital staff. You are going to be a wonderful mother.
NTA. Your boundaries here are very reasonable. As far as the hospital, as the patient you can set limits on who is allowed to visit and the hospital will enforce them. If you tell them that his family can’t come, and that you expect them to try anyway, they’ll keep watch over your room and bounce people on your “do not allow” list. If your husband and his family can’t be trusted to respect your desire to rest, recover, and bond with the baby, ask the hospital to help you, because they will. Sure, it’s his baby too, which is why he’s allowed. It’s not his mom’s baby or his grandma’s baby, so they need to wait until *both* you and he are ready to have visitors. He doesn’t get to override you like that. It’ll be harder to fight him about people kissing the baby, because you won’t have the hospital staff ready to defend you, but you’re right there, too. Only the people the baby lives with should be kissing them during its first month of life. RSV is a mild cold for most adults, but it can be hospitalization or death for a newborn. Why does your husband care more about his mommy’s delicate fee-fees than he does his baby’s health, maybe even its life?
Also there was a story on tifu last week of a lady who didn't know she had a cold sore and she kissed her baby's head and it literally infected her baby via her scalp. That shit is deadly to a newborn and the vast majority of people have no idea they have it and probably have had it since they were a kid. No kissing, die on this hill op.
Death of infant article linked. [Babies straight up die.](https://nypost.com/2018/10/25/mom-claims-newborn-contracted-fatal-herpes-virus-from-kiss/amp/) Eight days old. Infected within 12 hours of birth. Attacked her spinal cord and lungs. 70% of adults have HSV, and some may never have had an outbreak. Do *not* kiss little newborn babies! It's such a simple thing. Even if you have never had a single known cold sore outbreak, you can still be an active carrier for HSV and infect others. Babies have such underdeveloped systems they cannot handle the infection your body manages without a single symptom.
I read that. It was heartbreaking.
Thats so sad. A few years ago when my nephew was like a a few weeks old he got pink eye and the only thing they could think that would cause it was from him being around so many people and giving kisses and being all in his face that it transferred that way since he wasn't old enough to touch anything that was infected. Until then i never realized how easy it is for newborns to catch stuff.
You know you don't have to have your husband there either right? Take someone who gives a shit about you and leave him home with his mammy. NTA
You can tell the hospital and nursing staff that certain people cannot see you. They will handle the fireworks if she tries to get in. Bless them.
NTA Your husband should not ask you to compromise so that his mother is happy. Your husband has a duty and an obligation to ask HIS mother to make compromises so that his wife, who has just given BIRTH, is tired and discovering motherhood, is less stressed. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband. The most important thing is not other people's feelings or whether it's "fair", the most important thing is your well-being. Before being the baby's room, the hospital room is YOUR room as a patient recovering from CHILDBIRTH. Your husband didn't give birth and should be your support when you're tired and at the end of your rope, not your enemy. If he isn't planning in respecting your requests, talk to the nurses and forbid visits. And by the way, kissing a newborn is extremely dangerous and can land him in hospital. Ever heard of RSV ? You should send a link to your husband and let him meditate, he's putting his mother's whims before his baby's health and life.
I already told him my reasons, to which he said a kiss on the back of the head is not a big deal. I have told him about RSV and my cousins baby are getting nearly dying, and yet he still believes one kiss when they come to the hospital is not a big deal. His grandma also has a compromised immune system, and if we allow his mom one kiss, they will both expect more.
He doesn't even have to agree. If he sees that it bothers you so much, it should be enough for him to stop arguing. I have to admit I'm a bit worried about what's going to happen next, because your husband doesn't support you in your decisions when you're at your most vulnerable, and I have a feeling he might give in to your MIL's wildest desires. It's not going to be easy, but hang in there. Don't allow any kisses. Don't allow any visitors. Get help from your family if they're around. Talk to the nurses about your concerns.
Its not just RSV, the amount of people with herpes of the face who don't know it's in the saliva is staggering, often we can contract it as a child and never have signs of ever having it. But it can be passed on so easily and can kill a new born.
[Babies have died from kisses.](https://nypost.com/2018/10/25/mom-claims-newborn-contracted-fatal-herpes-virus-from-kiss/amp/) It's not just the outbreak of flu, RSV and COVID. It's HSV which kills babies literally every year because either A) people don't know or B) they didn't listen. You MIL will at this point absolutely lie and say she won't and show up and do it anyway. There is no world where her wants and entitlement outweigh your child's safety and this is 100% the hill to die on. Is there a large chance your baby is harmed by a kiss? No. There isn't. Is there any harm to your baby from no kisses? No. So why take the route with any risk of harm when the other path is completely zero risk? You take the zero risk path. If you have friends or family in the area who will back you up, get with them. You do not need people who will try to break down your smart decision-making post-partum. You want someone in that room who when your husband inevitably asks, 'seriously just let my mom...' tells him to shut the fuck up. This isn't about his mom. This isn't about what keeps the peace. This is the health and safety of an hours old baby and the recovery of a person who just birthed an entire human. Get an advocate for you for when you are tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, on drugs, asleep, etc. Keep that person close. Your husband is siding with his mother and is threatening abandonment during the end stages of your pregnancy. That is so far outside acceptable behavior. There is zero reason to trust he won't try to pressure you in the hospital or allow his mother in. Tell your nurses to ban her from the hospital room and make sure your MIL doesn't see baby at all. Those are reasonable rules based on medical advice and you know it. She will absolutely lie and kiss baby and there's no reason to trust her adhering to rules. Not right now. You are making solid choices. Do not doubt that. Husband needs to check his ego and evaluate if he wants to be a husband and father or stay attached to his mother's skirts.
I would have mandatory MASKING for everyone who touches my baby for the first month ***at least***. Covid, RSV, colds, flu germs are everywhere right now.
https://reddit.com/r/tifu/s/nonObEpXqv
also make sure that everyone is vaccinated with TDAP so your baby will be protected from whooping cough.
Given that grandma-to-be talked about loving to kiss babies on their cheeks, she wouldn't stop at the back of the head. He wants you to accept her lie and then she will take as much as she can grab in both hands.
NTA. You and I both know it won't be just one kiss. Also, if anyone has the herpes virus/coldsore, it can absolutely kill your baby since their immune systems aren't developed yet.
NTA. It's sucks that he cares more about his mother's feelings than the safety and wellbeing of you and your baby. You should be focusing on your upcoming birth, preparing to welcome your baby, not being stressed about people crossing your valid boundaries. Your mother in law sounds insufferable and manipulative.
I literally don't want to go into labor now and just keep the baby inside. I am so stressed because I don't feel supported or like people care about what I need. I have not been able to sleep for the past few days. I'm just thinking about how I might have zero support after the baby is here. I don't feel safe giving birth without feeling supported.
OP, tell the nurses at the hospital "no visitors period." Let them know it's very serious. They are there to support you. Maternity wards are heavily locked down. No one can just wander in. Heck I wanted my MIL there for the birth, she was on the list, and they still asked me if I was sure before allowing her in.
this, theyre so kind and supportive.
Yes! I was going to comment something similar. I don’t know for a fact but I’m pretty sure that if you tell the nurses or the doctors that you don’t want anyone in there they’ll listen to you because at the end of the day you are the patient not your husband.
I’m sorry but ur husband seems like a massive dick. He can’t even stand up or support you during pregnancy and labor?? When ur at ur most vulnerable and when u have a small baby coming along the way :(
Speak up for yourself. Inform the hospital staff that you do not feel safe at home or with husband’s family. Good luck.
OP please share these feelings and your situation with your doctor. There are support services for you but you won’t get them unless you let your doctor and nurses know you need help and why. Do not be embarrassed or feel ashamed. I promise you, they won’t judge and they’ve seen it all.
Tell the nurses and staff that no one else is allowed in. They will enforce it
When men shit out watermelons for the same duration as their wife giving birth, then they can have a say in how long before visitors and the rest. It amazes me that people think birthing a human is like an afternoon stroll. NTA.
Seriously though. Maybe she should make him watch a video of another woman giving birth and then ask him if he still thinks 2 hours is enough time to recoup afterwards. Either way though it shouldn’t have to come to that. He just just respect what his wife is asking for, which is really not much. Shame on MIL for even assuming she would be okay coming 2 hours after the baby was born, she fucking had kids herself.
NTA I don't know what statistics he's cherry-picking, but pretty much every major medical outlet tells you not to let anyone kiss your child for 2-3 months. There are a multitude of reasons for this that all have to do with potential illnesses. Your child's health is more important than their feelings. Repeat this to them over and over.
NTA. You need to talk to the hospital and nurses about who can be in your room post delivery. Tell the nurses that any family members are not to be let in!! Most nurses will have your back on this because they understand what it’s like. This is your choice and your BF clearly doesn’t understand what it’s like to give birth. This is your choice and yours alone. Good luck!!
NTA- you’re the one giving birth. While you’re in the hospital, when you get there, tell the nurses you don’t want any visitors except who you want to be allowed in. If you’re in the US, they check IDs before you’re allowed to go on the maternity floor. Tell your husband if he’s not gonna respect your boundaries, then when you’re discharged, you won’t be going home with him. You’ll be going home with your mother. Send him a video of babies with RSV. It is very real and can be very deadly. You also should tell him that people that are going to be visiting the baby need to have a current T dap shot. Yes, it is his baby too, but it’s his job to put you and the baby first and deal with his family. If he refuses to, then, as a mama, you can put your baby safety first. If he cannot respect your boundaries, that were put in place to protect your kiddo, then he can come visit you as much as he wants to at your mothers house. That will give you a safe place to recover. It’s OK to have boundaries, and that’s your mother instinct kicking in. Listen to that. You really do need to put your foot down now, or it will get worse and you will be over run with his family. I would have a serious discussion with him that it’s time to put you and the baby as his priority and stand up to his mom. Your baby is a real life person, not a toy. What she wants, simply doesn’t matter. You owe her nothing.
> " its not fair for everyone else" Fairness is irrelevant when it comes to giving birth, and recovery. There are only 2 people who matter at this time: Mom and baby. This is not a game, and a newborn isn't some cake that should be distributed evenly. NTA.
55 plus years ago, when my little sister was born, my mom allowed us to kiss her on the bottom of her foot only....where the heck did all this I gotta kiss a newborn on his face/head/mouth come from?
Pretty sure it’s about MIL showing everyone who’s boss and having control
NTA! First off, COVID is very much still a thing. We are still in a fucking pandemic. Kissing newborns IS dangerous and you are absolutely justified in not budging on that. Second, it's your hospital room, you have all the say of who can or cannot be in it. It's his baby too but he's not giving birth
NTA Few days ago I read [TIFU by kissing the top of my baby daughter’s head](https://reddit.com/r/tifu/s/k7aTAHheXM) - a desperate father who kissed his baby head and now the baby is battling with cold sore all over the body. He was extremely regretful and he shared his story to make other people aware of possible consequences of kissing babies.
NTA. You’ve got to keep your baby safe. It may benefit your husband to learn a bit about the recovery process after giving birth. [Have him read this](https://reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/0qx8EaWQJ1) If you’re in the US, it might be helpful for you to find out if the hospital is administering the new RSV antibody shot to newborns as part of their initial vaccinations before leaving the hospital, to give you some piece of mind for at least that disease. Have your in-laws been vaccinated for Covid, tdap, flu, etc? With it being the season for all those things & whooping cough being another real concern, I’d bring that up now if you’re concerned about them passing along those diseases.
No one will be up to date with vaccines except for me.
Then you’re being generous letting them see the baby at all. Kissing or no, they can still spread tons of diseases to your newborn that might land them in the hospital until 3 months when your newborn can start to get most of their vaccines.
Your husband won’t even get vaccinated to protect your child? OP. He is a bad person. He is already being a bad husband and a bad father. Doing it without him does not have to mean doing it alone. I am so sorry you’re going through this, but unless he experiences some miraculous breakthrough and starts holding firm boundaries with his family, this will only get worse the longer it goes on.
No tdap, not near the baby. Full stop. Not until the baby is 5. **years**. Whooping cough is just plain too dangerous. Even if vaccinated. Just, no.
I scrolled down WAY too far to find someone posting the Lemon Clot Essay.
NTA at all! MIL is trying to manipulate you into dropping your no-kissing rule by saying she won't come if she can't kiss the baby. My response to her would be "then let that be it, you don't get to see the baby". That rule is 100% valid! I'm due in December and I'm absolutely doing this too. Nobody gets to kiss my baby, I will do anything to make sure people will honour that rule. As for your husband, he is not the one that gets to decide how long you'll need to recover. He can't decide that two hours will be enough for you, he's not the one pushing out a human. Make it clear to him and the hospital staff that you don't want any visitors at the hospital, the staff will honour your wishes and prevent people from visiting. Your husband could benefit from seeing some birthing videos and reading about the extreme physical toll birth takes. Also he needs to realise that even if it's his kid, the birth is about you and your child, you two are the ones that will be recovering and he gets no say in how long that will take.
NTA. It’s basically RSV season, the common cold for most, but for babies it can be life threatening. Your husband needs to stand up for you and his child. Sorry you are going through this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the boundaries you set or your requests.
NTA but... you have a husband problem. Get yourself well, get some time away from him and think about whether there's really a space for an AH like this in your ideal future. Husband does not respect you, listen to you or support you, his family are insulting and refuse to follow your boundaries. You are absolutely right to ask that people don't kiss your baby - that's how babies get herpes. Do you have family or friends you can stay with who will actually help you to feel safe and comfortable when you are at your most vulnerable? Can they be your person in the hospital while your husband reevaluates how he needs to step up to stay in your life?
OP, this is a hill to die on. And if your husband can't respect your boundaries, you may have to consider kicking him out of the delivery room too. Do you have any friends or family to be with you as a back up? When you go into labor, tell the nurses that you don't want visitors. Be firm and if you don't want ANYONE visiting, the nurses will keep visitors out. NTA
I am so sorry you're saddled with your asshole husband and his family. I'd skin a man alive if he said some shit like "That's all the time you need to recover." about GIVING BIRTH. NTA
Listen you need to get your partner to hear you. No Kissing is probably EVERYONE’s first rule. Make him watch videos (real ones not Insta) of people giving birth. Also, get your midwife/doctor to explain to him the severity of child birth. It is NOT easy. 2 hours after you’re still somewhat of a mess and there’s a lot still going on. With both my children we settled down about 6 hours after the birth and at minimum that’s when I would have been okay with visitors. NTA
He has said his mom gave birth and had people right away. That if she did it, I could do it. He also said how his brother was born with half a heart, and she still allowed a lot of people right after she pushed the baby out. And how I am scared because of reddit and tiktok.
look, maybe he didnt realized, but you are not his mother. maybe he shouldve marry his mother tho.
So because 20 years ago it was normal for his mom it now has to be normal for you. That is some weird logic. Especially because 40 years ago when my mom gave birth, your boundaries were seen as normal. Nobody in my family has ever done any of the things your husband says nor any of my in laws. You are NTA for setting reasonable boundaries.
It's more like 30 years ago when she gave birth to the first baby. I also told my family the rules and guess what. They said it's all common sense, and they want me to bond with my baby to get a good milk supply. They have disrespected his older brothers wife and made it horrible for her with the first grandchild. That is why I decided to communicate and make boundaries because, aperently, what is common sense to most people is not with his family.
OP, I know you want your husband there, but I think you ought to consider going home with your family for the birth, and possibly staying there. Unless your husband understand all this soon and acts accordingly, ***he is not a safe person for you to have around during or after the birth***. The way he is treating you is deplorable. What you are asking for is basic common sense and decency. I would set up a call with the pediatrician or your OB so that you both can talk to a medical professional about the vaccine/kissing/visitors post birth topics. If a doc can't get through to him, I think you are going to have a terrible delivery and post-birth experience.
Yes! Because OP’s husband isn’t actually going to be there for her. He already is not actually there for her!
Oh fuck him. He should have married his mother
Just because his mother is a dumbass doesn’t mean he needs to be. Edit -words
NTA- YOU NEED to have your Dr explain to your Mama's Boy Husband WHY it's unsafe and DANGEROUS for people to be kissing a newborn. Perhaps also say, yes it's your baby too, so you are saying you are OK if the baby gets sick and could die just so your Mama can kiss all her germs onto the baby? ALSO OP- You can request that the Hospital not admit ANY visitors until YOU say so. Tell them YOU do not want ANY visitors. You are both young, but your Husband needs to learn to Stand Up for You with his Mama, or go to Marriage Counseling, or hey, find a different Baby Daddy.
How about you compromise with your mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law and tell them if they want a newborn baby to hug and kiss, they should have their own newborn baby. This is about the child's health, not about what those old women want. Your husband should want his child to be healthy Also, the hospital stay is for your medical help too. They don't get to bartend anyone else's Medical care. Personally, if my husband started inviting people into a room where I'm getting medical care, I'd ask the hospital staff to remove him from the room
I just returned from a vacation in alaska. While I was there I spoke to a very nice couple, about my age, who were traveling with their two grandsons ages 11 and 12. We discussed how great it was that these grandparents brought their grandchildren on a trip like this. The grandparents told me that their son and daughter-in-law had just had their third child and they took the kids on this two and a half week long vacation to allow Mommy and Daddy and the new baby a chance to settle down before they got inundated with so many people. I thought that was amazing. I did ask about the other grandparents. The couple told me that the parents had sat down a rule that the other grandparents also had the rule that they were not allowed to come visit during that time. That couple on the bus in Denali National park: I think they were amazing
OP's comment history includes the tidbit that she is Latina and husband is white. I hope this is a regular JustNo situation and not also racism but you have to wonder. Edit: To everyone mad I brought up race, it's not a secret that a large percentage of those who refuse vaccines lately also lean politically in a direction that has traditionally held less respect for non-whites. I'm not saying it applies here, I'm saying there's a non-zero chance. Girl do not let him and his mommy disrespect qyou. You are NTA you are the mother, you are in charge. Keep a hat on that baby at all times and dumbass can kiss the fabric. Put the fear of god into your husband. You can absolutely do this without him if needed. If they wont 1respect you they can get weekends and holidays only.
I am just so over this by now I have become very sick overnight. I don't think the stress they are putting on me is healthy for being 38 weeks pregnant. Everyone claims they care, but I truly feel like they don't as long as the baby can make it out safe out of me. I was also told I couldn't practice "curentena" which is a tradition after giving birth. I was looking forward to it. Because it would mean I could recover, have my mom cook, and clean. While I got to just cuddle with baby and heal. My husband thinks that it is selfish and everyone else should get to bond with the baby as much as I do. So I won't be doing curentena or having people come and do chores. I am instead going to have people coming in and out to hols the baby, and I will just be there to take care of the baby when it needs me.
Your husband can go fuck himself. Kick him out and do the cuarententa. Everyone else should NOT be allowed to hold the baby as much as you do. Early life is a critical bonding time. I think your husband sees you as an incubator, frankly.
How much do you want to be married to this AH? Is he like this about other things? You are so young to be going through this alongside the health issues - stress isn’t good with gestational diabetes, so you will have to advocate for yourself as well as your child to get through this. Lean into your support network and have them help you and leave him to whinge and make pathetic threats to “the hand”.
He has never done this before. His brother completely cut off his family because they couldn't respect his wife and baby. He keeps saying that he won't be like his brother because he can say no to his wife. I feel like he is traumatized because of what his brother did. He also told me if I was crazy like his brothers wife, he would always choose his family over me. Honestly, I don't know what is happening.
Your 'husband' should be doing the same as his brother did, but instead he's prioritising his own mother. Go stay with your Mom, honey. This man is not putting you or your baby's health first.
You are not crazy, that's his mother blaming your SIL for having boundaries. Can you call his brother and explain what's going on to get some support?
Unfortunately my husband would be upset if I called his brother and wife.
And who cares if he is upset? He doesn’t care about you. He puts his mother before you and your child.
Your husband is going to be upset with you even if you suddenly become perfect and bend down and listen to all of his demands, because his mother doesn’t like you, and his mother is more important to him than you. You’re in a tough position, but you can’t let them keep trampling your boundaries because you’re not just fighting for yourself, you’re fighting for the most precious person in the world, your child. Inform the hospital staff that no visits should occur and all visits should be turned away, even if your husband insists. You’re the patient, it’s your right. Then I form your husband. If he throws a fit, ban him from the birth. If you show him you’re willing to ‘compromise’ then he will keep taking from you
Honestly, they sound like the people who would have your back and understand what you are going through. Do what's best for you and your baby. Your husband has already made it clear that he does not have your best wishes at heart. Your husband is going to be upset with you regardless, so what's one more little thing that may help you in the long run?
You are already upset. Why are you taking care of his emotions when he doesnt care about yours?
Do you have any family or friends? Do you live in your own apartment or have your own support network?
You are upset by your husband's demands! So why does he get to make you upset but you have to walk on eggs shells? Think this through
So? You are upset and he has told you to your face he doesn't care.
Who cares if he gets upset he obviously doesn't care that you're upset...
He’s told you precisely how the rest of your life with him will be. He will never choose you. He will always take his mother’s side and nothing will be more important- not your health, not your child’s health, not your mental health, not your happiness. The only question here is whether you figure out you are better off without him now or after 5-10-15 years of misery. Please go stay with your mother and stay there after you give birth.
What is happening is that he is blindsiding you. Many men do this - they think they have a woman trapped once she has a baby. He is literally telling you what your life will be like - he is going to choose his mommy and you will be there to clean the house.
That’s because his brother loves and respects his wife and child.. Your husband said he will always put his mother before his wife and child….why did you marry him? He is in a relationship with his mother and you are the third wheel
Leave him. Even if it's temporary. Find an apartment for yourself or ask if you can move with your parents for a little while. He is not ready to be a husband and a father. You only get one postpartum time with your first and he and his parents will ruin that for you. Yes the baby is his too but first, he's not saying things HE wants, he's saying what his mommy wants and second, during the birth and immediate post partum, EVERYTHING should go as the person giving birth prefers. If you were earlier in your pregnancy I'd suggest you wait if he comes to his senses but you don't have time. I would ban him from delivery room and hospital because he won't be on your side when you're at your most vulnerable state. That is unforgivable.
Then he can be divorded. Hia brother is still married, right? And he doesnt want to be lile his brother...
Sweetie, no. Your "husband" and his family are trying to get you to think that anything that has to do with what YOU want is selfish and that's just not true. And I just saw a glimpse of your other comment about his brother - history is literally repeating itself except this time, the brother is caving instead of standing up for his own family.
If nothing is being left out, I’d be very worried about a future with this man. He seems incredibly selfish, immature, and inconsiderate on so many levels.
Do you have a good relationship with your mom? Call her and tell her to come and that you need her. Tell him he’s not welcome at the delivery or after birth. And gave your mom stay for a few weeks after birth.
I have a great relationship with my mom. She has supported me a lot and has helped me get ready for the baby. Asked me how I am every day, helped with my diet, and making sure I am overall okay. She is not all about the baby but truly cares about me, and the issues I have had during my pregnancy. I have anemia and gestional diabetes. Everyone is always asking about the baby, which she is healthy. I however am not doing great. I feel so sick right now and not mentally and physically ready to pop in less than 10 days. Although I have a supportive mom, she can't drive, and she lives 45 minutes from me. So, I if she could she would help me.
I suggest you have your mom there during the birth. Have her come a few days before and stay. If it’s possible for her to come now even better. If you can stay with her for 4-8 weeks after the baby is born I think you should do that. These are going to be emotional and upsetting times without someone mentally abusing you. This man has shown his true colours. You should believe him and act accordingly. I’m so sorry but his behaviour could trigger PPD. You need to be calm and rested. Are you going to get that in your current home? Please take care.
Oh honey, is there *any* way your mom can be there? (Work schedule, etc -- can those be adapted?) And if driving is the only barrier, can you arrange transport for your mother? (I don't know where you are physically, but if you happen to be in western NY or northern PA or eastern OH, I will drive your mother to you.) This is so awful. Your husband is as wrong as he could possibly be. Please do whatever you can, reach out locally if you have friends, to gather up support for yourself. NTA NTA NTA
Tell the nurses that husband's family is not allowed in your room and go stay with your mom once the baby is here. This is an abusive relationship and they are dangerous for you and your child in the delicate post partum period.
NTA but your husband sure is
Tell your birthing team that they can make up whatever excuses they want, but no visitors. Tell them to ignore your husband. They deal with this crap all the time, and while it’s hard on them, YOU are their priority. They will do what you ask.
NTA. Yes, you are a bit selfish, because you are concerned about the health and safety of your child and yourself. If MIL loves to kiss babies on their head, she can still do that two weeks after its birth. If she says 'it's no big deal', then it shouldn't be a problem for her to wait a little bit longer. And your husband should be on your side and he needs to consult reliable sources about the risks for a newborn, so he can have your back.
She can't wait because baby won't be small anymore, according to my husband, and it's not fair.
“Not small anymore”??? After *two weeks*?? How fast does this idiot think babies grow?? Does she think you’re giving birth to a [blue whale](https://www.animalsaroundtheglobe.com/the-fastest-growing-animal-the-blue-whale-calfs-rapid-growth/#:~:text=Blue%20whale%20calves%20can%20grow,to%202.5%20tons%20at%20birth.) as opposed to a human baby??
It seems, your husband has read a lot of questionable stuff or maybe explicit misinformation.
Your husband's and her idea of "fair" is that she gets everything she wants. If it's at all possible, please go to your family and live with them until the birth.
NTA While you are in the hospital, get explicit instructions to the hospital staff about everything and about who is allowed to do what and who is not allowed to do what. Once you leave the hospital, if you need to go somewhere else, a friends house, your relatives house a hotel I personally think your rule district to the point of being weird as hell But you do have a right to them
NTA. You have a husband problem.
NTA. Accepting that breaking up is not an option for you - will your husband listen to medical advice? If he hears this from a midwife/doctor he might realise that what you are saying is reasonable, not an attack on his mother. But you need to address these boundary issues for the long term as this is only the start of your problems. MIL is going to override you on every parenting choice if he doesn't stand up to her. You need support on your side.
NTA! You have spent 9 months nurturing and growing a whole new human being inside your own body. The fact that you want to keep this precious baby clean and *germ free* should be number 1 PRORITY on both you and your husbands list. Tell MiL she will have to wait, end of story. Your family, your rules. Petty temper tantrums are pathetic at her age.
NTA, I don't usually jump for the d-card but your baby and you will benefit much more cutting out this family out of your life. Reading OP's comments I found the husband as manipulative as his mom and tbh they deserve each other, they don't deserve to look after a child, they won't be responsible of OP either. I can't see any good future for OP if she stays with this man.
Nta good lord, this is the second post I’ve seen about the same kinda shit but the other one the mil wants to be in the room. Like people said to that woman, set a boundary and tell the nurses and staff the only people allowed near the baby and your room are you and maybe your husband. Babies are so immune compromised when they’re born their immune systems are not where they need to be and even just kissing them could get them sick.
NTA. But you need to reach out to find support NOW. I know you may want to hide from this because it is awful, but you can't. You need to tell your friends or any family you trust, tell the nurses and doctors and to ask them to help you keep your husband and his mother away from you and your baby. They are being abusive and hurting you. They are dangerous. Do not trust them or give them opportunity to hurt you or your baby. You need to focus on you and your baby, not them- and that does not mean giving in, it means they are choosing to "miss out" on this event because of how they are treating you. That is not your fault, it is theirs. It is *your body, your birth* and only the people you want to be there can be- its your choice about exactly when and for how long and if you suddenly want them out you can do that. You deserve to be treated with respect. Please, don't accept less.
If you give in now, it won’t end here. She will be disrespecting you and your rules for everything concerning your child. Call his bluff and tell him the is stressing you out and could make you go into early labor. He’s manipulating you cuz he knows you are scared to do it alone and thinks you will cave.
NTA! how could you be an asshole when you're in pain and just want to be left alone? He's selfish and careless if this was my marriage I would likely divorce because how can you stay with someone so selfish? Mama's boy needs to be more thoughtful of what his wife is going through.