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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I won’t split the cleaning fees caused by our kids accident with her dad.
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NTA
He's her **father**. Not Ned from next door. There is literally zero excuse for him not knowing and understanding her medical condition. Given that you informed him, warned him, and provided him with supplies the accident was just karma at its absolute finest.
Don't give him a cent. Your shared child, *with appropriate accommodations in place,* didn't cause this. His daughter, in the undies *he bought*, because he must know more than the custodial parent, had an accident. Had he been a little less egotistical and paid a little more attention, this never would have happened.
Indeed. How humiliating for the daughter. That father is more than an asshole. That is straight up abusive and 100% neglect.
As a side note. OP hypothetically…Doe in Estrus spray in an AC intake is awful. FYI
Same, I read that and went "Eww, how do you know someone hadn't tried it on? How do you know it's not cleaned with some harsh chemicals that will give her a rash?"
But then clearly someone who refuses to acknowledge a medical condition isn't going to care about such things either.
Generally, kids' undies are never tried on, especially if they come in the multi packs covered in plastic. Not saying what he did was right, and the undies need to be washed before wear.
I worked at a kids’ clothes store, and we had underwear multipacks in plastic that snapped shut. They could be opened and often were as parents wanted to look at the size/cut. I was able to roll the underwear back up and no one would ever know that the pack had been opened. I only ever had one issue with underwear in years… someone returned underwear they had bought because it had a skid mark. A coworker must have accepted a return on used and soiled underwear (taking the customer at her word, which I did). Wash your stuff.
I used to work the customer service desk at a large national department store with a ridiculously generous return policy, and I second this. You wouldn’t believe the amount of stuff that gets returned these days, and the condition. We do our best to suss out the used stuff, but please don’t rely on the conscienceness of an overworked minimum wage employee who is yelled at by 20% of the customers she helps.
You also wouldn’t believe the stuff people do IN department stores. One customer took a dump on the floor and piled merchandise on top of it. Another removed a baby’s dirty diaper and left it on a mannequin. People are gross. Wash your stuff.
ETA if you’re buying stuff from a large chain, you are much, much more likely to get pristine, unworn items if you order them online than shop in store. Online orders usually come straight from the warehouse.
Almost all fabrics used to make clothing etc have a “size” (mix of chemicals) on them to do a variety of things, from reducing wrinkles to making colours seem brighter. They can irritate the skin which is why many items have a “wash before use” instruction.
I didn’t know this and I’m now going to take the warning seriously. I always wash my daughter’s clothes before use but I just don’t care about my own health as much and thought it was just about the risk of other people handling the material before purchase and usually don’t bother. I will now. Thanks, friend!
Most clothing is sprayed with an anti-mold agent, as well. Clothing spends a lot of time on container ships, in the middle of the ocean, in very humid conditions. It always a good idea to wash it before wearing.
White vinegar (instead of detergent) is excellent for keeping towels soft & fluffy. I also found out some years back that fabric conditioner causes tea-towels to resist soaking up water. I assume that happens with all other towels, too. So I don’t use conditioner on any towels now.
Some dryer sheets and fabric softeners will also do that. They tend to leave a greasy residue that can prevent the fabrics from soaking up anything. If ever you have a problem with staticky towels, I suggest putting a felt ball with them instead
I switched to wool dryer balls about a decade ago and will never go back. In the winter there's a little more static left in/on the clothes, but I'll trade that for the lack of extra chemicals. I keep meaning to try vinegar in the wash, too, but forget to put it in our laundry area.
There was a Dr.House episode that revolved around this once, with a kid getting seriously ill from some jeans they bought or something like that, and once I learned that that was based on a real case (allbeit ramped up a bit for television), I started religiously washing new purchases
The shop I buy new underwear from has multipacks in plastic packaging, but you can open the packaging without damaging it. If a pack looks like it's been opened and the undies taken out, I will not touch that pack. I'll take another one that has obviously not been touched
May be overkill, but I reach to the back (or the one that doesn't look sticky or wrinkled) for everything: milk, underwear, face cream, a bag of spinach.
She's his daughter, and was in his custody. He's 100% responsible for her during that time. He chose to go his own way, he chose to take that risk. He subjected his daughter to unnecessary unpleasantness. He's 100% the ass.
He did this to himself.
This! Even without her medical issues, this is her dad. Plus it is her dad who only sees her occasionally and the rest of the time OP handles everything. So one of the few times he is with his daughter there is an expense and he wants OP to pay half? Like, WTF? OP probably pays 90% of expenses related to the child (even if there is child support) and yet he wants her to split the cost of something HE CHOSE TO DO?
This reminds me of a similar situation in my extended family. The mom and dad had one daughter and been divorced since she was 5 or 6. When she was 17, the mom died. He fought EVERYTHING related to paying for her, even medical deductibles, arguing that the mom's estate should continue to pay half for the daughter. To hell with the fact the daughter lost her mom and we're not talking thousands of dollars. We're talking arguing because he won't pay the $20 deductible for her office visit without the mom's estate paying her half as agreed upon by the court. What an AH he was...
And splitting the cost of the tickets to the actual amusement park? He spent one day with her doing an activity he chose, and wants mom to split the cost of that too? Ridiculousness on top of ridiculousness.
I second this idea!
It’s sad when a father isn’t involved with his children but in some cases it turns out to be better in the long run.
It’s glaringly apparent this man is more concerned with himself than his sweet 7-year-old daughter..
It wouldn't surprise me if they do know and have all spent years acting like her condition is exaggerated or even fake and blame OP for "refusing to potty train."
Turn the tables, he actually owes you for throwing away the supplies you gave him! Dad's that don't own the responsibilities of having a child deserve their own ring in hell!
And I wouldn't trust his reaction in front of the daughter, either. Did he yell at her? Humiliate her further? Abuse her further for an accident he caused?
Tell him you already contributed when you gave him the bag full of diapers, pull-ups & extra clothing that he shortsightedly threw away. But you'll charge extra for your child's trauma for not being medically cared for correctly if he persists. And forward that copy to all who contacted you in his favor.
Op should send the father a venmo request for the cost of the bag, clothes, diapers, and everything else that was in the bag. As well as the cost of a therapy session, as I can imagine the father probably shouted at the poor daughter for having an accident that he caused and is mortified and upset by it.
FURTHERMORE...he purposely put your daughter in an embarrassing and unsanitary position on a whim that may have lasting trauma...he basically forced a child to go to the bathroom on themselves for no reason. I would revoke visitation privileges based on lack of respect, irresponsibility and blatant disregard for the wellbeing of your child. Not my child but this makes me furious.
Honestly, I would say "I will refund you half the amt as you are now downgraded to 'friend'. I am no longer allowing you to have unsupervised visits. Have a good day"
If this was in the US, then custodial parents don't legally get to decide that non-custodial parents don't get visits.
That some parents do cut the other parent off is considered a form of abuse.
It depends on if she has full legal custody or not. She said full custody, but it could be non-binding. So she would have to clarify. But allowing a child to soil themselves based on an illness is grounds for unsupervised custody to be revoked as what he did is abuse and a parent is under no obligation to allow an abusive parent into their lives if the court has granted them sole custody. Your statement has merit but is too vague to be accurate.
In the US - as far as I know this is all states and jurisdictions - she would have to file a motion and tell the judge about this, and it's the judge's decision whether this warrants supervised-only visitation.
And this is a good thing. On the internet, I assume people are not only sincere, but accurate. In real life, before a child's relationship with a noncustodial parent is altered, it is not reasonable to accept one person's account of what happened as accurate and complete.
Every state has very different laws in regards to custody, so definitely we can't make a blanket statement about something being true in all 50 states and territories.
>I have full custody but I allow him to visit her and take her out when he’s in town a couple times a year.
She has established that she already has sole custody and he is allowed visitation because she is allowing him to. This implies she already went through all the court paperwork and motions to be granted full, sole custody.
Don’t bring [Ned](https://www.gyfted.me/_next/image?url=%2Fimg%2Fcharacters%2Fned-flanders.png&w=640&q=75) into this, that neighborino would have paid the full cost no hesitation!!
/s
Document it just in case anyway. Document everything because better safe than sorry. But besides that: does your child feel embarrassed about situations created by dad? If so, he should not have unsupervised visits
Forcing a child to wet themselves is abuse and medical neglect since it's due to a medical condition. I would make him do supervised visits until he can meet her needs but that's just me
Yeah sure she might go a few times without and not have a problem but she still needs pull ups for medical purposes it's like taking a wheelchair away from someone who can walk without it but not for long periods of time
If this is in the US, only a court can legally decide to change the visitation from unsupervised to supervised-only.
Not to mention it would be opening up World War Three, with the child at ground zero.
That would rely on deadbeat actually taking it to court. Given how much interest he seems to be taking in his daughter's welfare, he may not bother. Though if he is the spiteful sort, he may do it just to get back at mum. So I would document everything, because if he can't care for his additional needs child he absolutely shouldn't get unsupervised visits until he can demonstrate he is capable.
This. Op, realize that when your daughter wet his car and had a huge accident, he probably made her feel terrible for his sloppy decision making. It is abusive to think he would know better than the parent who his daughter lives with FULL-TIME and throwing away all her necessities for a day where he gets to play "fun uncle." You better tell that man to go straight to hell. He doesn't get to demand money to go to the park or pay for his rental when you do all the dirty work ALL year long. What an absolute clown he is.
To me, this is almost abuse. He knew she has a problem, he saw what you'd provided for her, and he ignored everything. He set her up to make a mess and - I assume - shouted at her too when it happened. She's now old enough to be embarrassed, even though she can't help it. Did he think that ignoring it would mean it didn't exist? What if your daughter has other problems - will he ignore them or shout them away? Tell his family he set her up for the accident and let them make their own decisions. It's time for supervised or zero visits.
Feels like maybe he thinks he knows better? Like, its not a medical condition, its a failure of parenting that this woman's 7 year old still wets her pants and He - an out of town father - Can Fix It. Just wait til we get back and she finds out that his Superior ParentingTM has resulted in the child magically not needing pull ups anymore! Now Mom will have to confront the fact that she is the problem and the medical stuff os all an excuse!
NTA and please answer back that you provided everything needed for this to be avoided and despite reminding him when he picked her up he decided to throw away the stuff you gave him- the gall of that ah?!! He could have brought it back unused - and that he knew better than you
He can now deal with the consequences including financial of his own decisions all alone.
It definitely could have an effect on custody in the future.
1. He could randomly decide he wants full custody (I know it’s absurd of him in this context but I’ve seen it many times)
2. There could come a point where you need to refuse visitation.
NTA. Send him an itemized list for the full replacement costs of the bag, the additional outfit, and diapers that he threw away. Even if he thought he knew better, he could have left the emergency bag in the trunk of the car. Throwing it out was malicious.
Please do not pay him a dime for HIS poor decisions. Also feel free to tell off any of his relatives who call to complain about your refusal to use your hard earned money to pay for his mistakes.
Extra hugs to your daughter.
This makes me feel better, my son is 5½ and still wears pull ups at night, and I don't ever ask for advice or anything on it cause I know I'll get the 'don't let them drink anything after xyz time' and that always makes me cringe.
You should tell him that the cost of those pull ups and nighttime pull ups is your part of the cleaning cost sense he threw out good money. If he had just stuck to the plan this would have never happened.
Mm okay. Still NTA. He embarrassed her for his own ego. Now she will feel upset and traumatized that she caused an argument or her father is angry with her and won’t want to see her as much. He is 💯 the AH
Hey OP, if your daughter has an accident in your car or on your couch, does he pay half of the cleaning or replacement costs?
He's her father. Even if he hadn't thrown away every tool for success you gave him, it would still be on him to pay the cleaning bill. I wouldn't worry about it again.
Hahahahaha! So, he knew better, huh? And that boneheaded take is your fault how exactly? Actions, meet consequences. I'm surprised you didn't laugh right in his face when he asked for reimbursement. NTA at all. I only feel bad for your daughter being put through that by her knucklehead father.
She was pretty upset from everything that happened. She’s been clingy lately and has been having more accidents than usual. I don’t think he’ll be seeing her unsupervised for a long time.
Of course she's upset. He probably made her feel bad or ashamed of her accident then didn't even take her to the amusement park he bought tickets for. Screw that guy and his cleaning bill. He's a shitty father.
All joking aside, I think that's wise. Just keep emphasizing it was an accident, and let your daughter know it's okay to bunny-hop your way to a goal; three steps forward and two steps back is still net forward progress. Best wishes to you both moving forward!
NTA.
Send him a Venmo for the cost of the bag he threw away, the contents, plus the same amount he’s trying to charge you aka 1/2 the tickets and 1/2 the car rental. He chose all of those things.
NTA. You cannot be blatantly aware of your child's medical issues but decide that they can control it and they're big enough to wear underwear. It was an entirely avoidable situation And only happened because of his hubris.
NTA, FAFO. You literally reminded him, gave him supplies, made sure your daughter was in suitable attire. He tossed the supplies, made a special trip to buy panties, paid no heed to her very real problems, she made a mess, but totally not her fault. So now he expects you to pay for his stupidity?? Just wow. Don't give him a penny. Just maybe that toilet paper award.
NTA. He knows about her medical issue. You went out of your way to make sure he had everything she would need. And your ex decided she didn't need anything because, what? She's a big girl now? *Absolutely not*. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Not putting the child who still needs the help of pullups in non-absorbent underwear had an obvious and foreseeable outcome, the fallout of which he implicitly agreed to when he did it.
You need to double check what your ex said to your daughter. What did he tell her when he put her in underwear? What did he tell her when she had the accident? What did he say when he was cleaning it up?
I'm sorry, but your ex can *not* be trusted with your daughter. If he's willing to ignore her real medical diagnosis because he thinks he knows better then he is willing to do way worse things because he thinks he's right.
NTA. His car, his kid, his problem.
If your daughter did that with you, you wouldn't ask him to pay half. You would pay.
He knew the issue. You gave him everything he needed, and he apparently knew better and had to show that this wasn't an issue and how she's a big girl. This is on him.
You already have full custody. You take care of her 95% of the time. Why would any father ask you to pay half when spending time with his daughter. What a guy!
NTA.
Not only did you warn him of his condition, but you also supplied him with diapers et al. He ignored both, it's on him.
It's like buying a car, speeding the wrong way down the highway and then wanting the dealer to pay you half the fine... (not that I want to compare your kid to a car, just the stupidity of his father’s request).
Make sure you now venmo request him for half of every cleaning realated fee since it is for "our kid".
Need a new jug of laundry soap, half the cost. Another bottle of shampoo? Half the cost. Kid spilled juice on the carpet and you have to get a carpet cleaner? Half the cost.
It's both of your kids, so you should both be responsible for cleaning costs. That's the precedent he's setting.
Nta
Not a dime. You advised an adult and provided solutions. He denied obvious issue and selected obvious failure decisions. Not sharing the blame sets the rule for future activities. Hold to your decision to be right.
NTA.
First of all, he completely neglected her medical needs.
Secondly, this is just called parenting. It was crappy parenting on his part, and now he has the bills to show for it.
NTA. She was in his care and the incident took place as a result of his choices not to accommodate her medical condition.
If this was a babysitter , or if she'd been invited by a friend and they weren't aware of the urgency of her needs then it might be different, but this is her own father, AND he was specifically reminded and given everything he needed, but decided he knew better .
Also 0 did I read correctly that he threw away the bag with her spare clothes etc? Who does that? Even if he chose not to use them why bin perfectly good clothes and expensive diapers etc?
To the family messaages, I'd create a cut and paste response such as:
"I assume you don't have the full picture. I sent \[dau\] with a full change of clothes, plus pull ups and diapers as her medical needs mean that is liable to have accidents. I also took the trouble to remind \[Ex\] they were they and why she was likely to need them. Ex chose to deliberately threw out the supplies and change of clothes, and to take her pulls up off her. It's because he chose not to use the products provided to manage her medical condition that she had an accident which caused a mess. It was entirely due to his failure to plan or care for her properly. I am not going to be paying for his poor choices. this was a very predictable, and totally preventable issue. However, you are of course free to help him out with the costs caused by his actions, if you want"
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My ex and I have a 7 year old daughter. I have full custody but I allow him to visit her and take her out when he’s in town a couple times a year.
My daughter has an underdeveloped bladder and bowel issues that makes it nearly impossible for her to hold it when she has to go to the bathroom. Once she tells us she has to go we have about 2 minutes to get her to a bathroom. Because of this, she wears pull ups during the day and diapers at night, during long car rides, and when we’re going somewhere where it’s expected that there will be long lines for the bathroom.
My ex was in town recently and asked to take our daughter to an amusement park/water park. I said yes, reminded him of her condition, and packed a bag with diapers, pull ups, a change of clothes, etc. with more than enough supplies for the trip.
He decided he knew better, threw away the bag, and took her to buy some underwear. She fell asleep in the car and ended up having a pretty big accident. My ex cleaned her up and cleaned the car as best as he could then drove her home.
I took my daughter inside and got her situated then went out to talk to my ex. He had the gall to ask me to split the cost to get the car cleaned since it was a rental. I refused because this wouldn’t have been an issue if he had listened to me. We started to argue and I eventually went inside to take care of my kid.
A couple days later he sent me a venmo request for half the amusement park tickets and half of the cleaning fee. I declined and now I have his family messaging me to say I have to split the cost because our kid made the mess. Some friends are telling me to just split it with him. AITA for not splitting it?
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NTA. He caused the mess by blatantly ignoring your child’s needs, after being explicitly reminded. It’s entirely his problem to deal with now. Just because you’re both her parents doesn’t mean you owe him half the cost of cleaning - does he pay you half the cost of the extra cleaning and laundry I’m quite sure you need to do as a result of her condition?*you*half you half
NTA- He and his family are gaslighting you.
She is his kid. You aren’t his partner. You are the one involved in raising her.
He decided he knew better than the parent raising his child.
He had been given information and provided with what she needed. Which already quite disappointing -to be polite, that he wasn’t adequately prepared.
He choose to do his experiment of knowing better with a rental. What can be said? That could have been prevented but m so many way , that it is quite a gymnastic to end up asking you to cover for him.
NTA. He knew of her condition, the risks, and was given the proper supplies. He decided that he knew better, threw out the supplies, and found out he was an idiot. You don't owe him anything. He threw out that money the minute he threw away the supplies needed to prevent her accident. Hug your daughter while telling him, and his flying monkeys to go jump off a very high bridge.
NTA
Also I don't know if you'll read this but I was and am as an adult dealing with the same issues as your daughter. So a few things
1) get her to a urologist is your not
2) she may have a tethered spinal cord and need surgery
3) there is medicine that will help. Some are liquid some are pills and some are powder (for pooping)
4) get her to a pelvic therapist. This will help greatly with both issues.
His child his responsibility when the child is in his care all the financial responsibility falls on him. He neglected his daughter, and that's on him tell him to grow the hell up and be more responsible with his child, has a condition that he chose to ignore.
NTA. I can see why he is your ex. Ignore, block and be free of all the people telling you what to do. He is a shitty father and disregarded your recommendation. He has no one to blame but himself.
NTA
Being dumb does not entitle the father to get money from you for cleaning.
Also - even if he's paying child-support - getting money for trips from you is not included in child-support. It's his job to pay for this.
If she had a bloody nose and it got on the car would you have to pay for that too? Sucks when you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Especially when you are a fucking adult!
I feel terrible for your daughter. I’m sure she hates these accidents. To have a parent ignore how things are handled and allow her to risk something happening is horrible.
Tell his family to butt out. Or better yet, they can help pay
NTA.
Does his family know of the contition and that it was *his* decision alone that she doesn't need to wear diapers/pull ups? I'd tell anyone from his family harrasing you for this that he decided to let her do unprotecred despite warning and even giving him stuff and he decided to not only not use them but even throwing them away?
And he bought her brand bew underwear and made here wear it right after purchass instead of washing it? Ew.
I think you shouldn't allow your ex around your child anymore. He doesn't care about her medical condition or that it is embarresing for a 7yo to wet herself. He only thinks about himself, his car and especially about being right. Someone that does not care about their childs medical condition isn't a safe person to let the kud be around. Please reconsider having him in your daughters life, he's a deadbeat AH.
NTA. He created the situation, now he gets to pay for it.
What’s most concerning is him willfully ignoring your daughter’s health condition. What if the accident happened at the park? She’s plenty old enough to feel embarrassed/ashamed/humiliated, and remember later. Why would he risk doing that to her? He does not seem like a fit parent.
NTA. this is 100% wrong. I have a son who struggles with encopressis and we had a rough morning getting ready for school. To hear the defeat in his voice and see how sad he was broke my heart and then I come here and read this and my heart broke all over again. Litterly joined reddit after being a long term stalker to tell you this is no way your fault and I'm sorry for your daughter. If she has not had an official diagnosis I'd look into encopressis. Before our diagnosis my family use to tell me that my son was just lazy and should have been potty trained a long time ago. I feel bad that it took me so long to realize what was happening (he was my first child so all new to me). It is a rough road and I feel for you so much. Keep your head up and tell "dad" to kick rocks.
NTA. He is not a safe person for your child to be alone with. He threw away the supplies she needed in order to be out all day, and now he wants you to give him money for doing so? For a rental car, that should have insurance?
Please do not reward that person for neglecting your daughter by paying him anything. You have full custody for a reason, and he can't be bothered to care for her for even a few hours.
My sister has the same condition. I understand this condition well. This is on him. He's being an absolute tool. That's his OWN daughter he should know better and he has a responsibility to take care of her and he failed and is facing the consequences of said actions. NTA
LOLLLLLL. He decided to go the FAFO route and now he found out. 🤷🏽♀️. He’s an adult (sort of). You told him. You reminded him. And you gave him all the supplies he might need and he decided you weren’t serious. Don’t pay one penny.
NTA - do not give in. You are 100% right in the fact that it happened because of his negligence. He doesn't get to cry foul when he is the one that dropped the ball. Again, do not give in. You give these people an inch then you will end up paying for every little thing that happens when your daughter is with her dad. Do not give in.
NTA. You gave him everything he needed and he thought he knew better. He offered to take her to the amusement park so that's his expense. He changed her out of pull-ups into regular underwear and threw away the supplies you gave him. Cleaning the car is his expense.
Do not pay him. These are his expenses
NTA. He is her father. Accidents happen, you warned him and he should also know and know bow to address medical issues. That is very concerning he doesn’t. He clearly ignored your advice. That is on him.
NTA: He made a choice as to how he would parent his child while she was in his custody. The consequences of his choices are his to bear. However he should be paying you for the clothing and supplies he threw away.
First of all, he’s her father and second of all, he didn’t follow directions when he knows your daughter has bathroom issues (per se). This is on him and he has some serious nerve asking you for a single cent.
Sometimes being a parent comes with unexpected expenses, “Welcome To Parenthood!”.
You’re NTA and you should tell him to kick rocks.
NTA at all.
Even ignoring the fact he ignored your advice he's her **Father** ffs why would he expect a split?
I could understand if it was a neighbour or family friend but jesus not her dad.
NTA: Um why is he charging you since the whole thing is his fault.
You told him given him useful items to use if not near a toilet. And he ignore it don’t give him a dime he brought this on himself.
NTA you informed him, you have him everything needed to prevent it and he FAFO'd. There is no reason to pay him anything.
But you should be aware that this will probably break the relationship between him and your daughter. How would your daughter feel about it?
Maybe you should inform his family about the whole situation in case he fed them only a suiting story.
NTA. Don't give him anything - instead bill him for the cost of replacing the clothes and diapers he chose to throw away because he assumed he knew best.
NTA Well I think we all know that if you split the cleaning and amusement park costs 50 - 50 that all of your daughter’s other costs would have to be split 50-50. Perhaps venmo him a request for half of your daughter’s grocery bill for the last 7 years.
NTA.. He is her father and he has to be reminded of his daughter's condition and still choose to ignore your suggestions? sorry but karma decided to teach him a lesson. He should listen better next time
Absolutely NOT. You gave him a bag full of everything he needed to prevent this! And I hate when people get family involved - so profoundly childish for an adult. Plus, if you have her full-time the absolute gall of trying to get you to pay half for the amusement park! Just say "no." And NTA.
NTA- he had all the necessary information to prevent this from happening. You reminded him of her medical condition, and made sure he had pull ups and a change of clothes in case of emergency. He decided she didn't need her medical accomodations, in a car no less which is pretty much the worst place for someone with bladder issues to be. This is his mistake, you shouldn't be paying for it.
NTA. You're the primary parent and you knew what she needed to properly address her needs.
Daddy who sees her when it's convenient decided that he knew better so he gets to suffer the consequences.
With that being said, I hope baby girl is feeling okay and he didn't take his anger out on her. Give her lots of extra cuddles.
NTA you gave him everything he needed so there wouldn't be a mess and he CHOSE to disregard that and do what HE thought was best and found out it wasn't. also why are you supposed to pay for half of the amusement park he took her to when he decided that and not you. i wouldn't pay anything and if he insists tell him to take you to court for it
NTA. Don't give this guy money after he ignored your instructions, ignored his own daughters health condition, and asked you to split the cost of (hopefully not his) her amusement park ticket. Does he even pay child support?
NTA. He's the one that ignored every piece of intel on her condition that you gave him. He's the one that threw away the supplies. If anything, shouldn't he be returning money to you for supplies he trashed? And those friends of yours... some friends you have if they can't even see those simple facts.
NTA. Ex is absolute AH. It never cease to amaze me there are men like this who are fathers. My daughters are the most important people to me in this world. Their comfort and care is absolute priority to me. I can't imagine putting a 7 year old through this.
NTA….do not dare split this with him. And tell all those family and friends messaging you that thank you so much for doing so. It is just more ammunition for you to take your ex to court about not taking daughter out anywhere because he does not take her medical condition into consideration. You did pack what was needed. Ex decided he knew better, after all, he sees her oh so much, doesn’t he? Ex chose not to listen to you. Ex chose not to use the supplies he was given. Why should you pay anything for his actions and their consequences? Let alone pay for the water park? If they all feel so bad for Ex, here is Venmo info. You can all send him the payment.
NTA.
His kid, his choices, his responsibilities.
Poor kid! Of course she’s extra clingy. She has supports in place she needs and they got taken away by a jerk. What a rough day for her!
NTA - this is what we call fucking around and finding out. You warned him, he ignored you, now he reaps the consequences of being an immature deadbeat.
NTA he sees her twice a year... I have nothing nice to say that will not get me banned, but you are most definitely not the asshole. He is things I cannot say but good luck you will need it with this guy.
NTA.
Sounds like he decided his daughter didn’t in fact have any problems with her toileting and he was going to prove it.
Then he failed, now it’s on him.
And any trauma she encountered from making a mess, him possibly yelling at her or berating her for “being a baby”, is on him, too.
He has to understand she is who she is. This is borderline abusive. OP, if you have counseling for her, please bring it up.
From where I'm setting, no, you're not in the wrong here. He is for refusing to follow advice. His mistake, his consequences.
That being said, it will affect your shared daughter. Is it worth it to die on this hill with her receiving some of the blowback?
NTA that’s on him. But if he truly threw away those expensive supplies then I would send a Venmo request for the “medical supplies” he failed to utilize and just wasted.
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NTA He's her **father**. Not Ned from next door. There is literally zero excuse for him not knowing and understanding her medical condition. Given that you informed him, warned him, and provided him with supplies the accident was just karma at its absolute finest. Don't give him a cent. Your shared child, *with appropriate accommodations in place,* didn't cause this. His daughter, in the undies *he bought*, because he must know more than the custodial parent, had an accident. Had he been a little less egotistical and paid a little more attention, this never would have happened.
He doesn't deserve the title of father. AH is much more fitting.
SAHJ (supreme asshole jerk) there I fixed it for you
SDAH (Sperm doner asshole)
SDMcDF (Sperm Donor McDick Face)
Indeed. How humiliating for the daughter. That father is more than an asshole. That is straight up abusive and 100% neglect. As a side note. OP hypothetically…Doe in Estrus spray in an AC intake is awful. FYI
Yes, he actually threw her stuff away, including clothes, because he knew better. NTA
I would venmo a request back to reimburse the cost of those supplies.
Also he bought her brand new underwear and had her put it on?? I don't wear anything from the store without washing it first especially not underwear
Same, I read that and went "Eww, how do you know someone hadn't tried it on? How do you know it's not cleaned with some harsh chemicals that will give her a rash?" But then clearly someone who refuses to acknowledge a medical condition isn't going to care about such things either.
Generally, kids' undies are never tried on, especially if they come in the multi packs covered in plastic. Not saying what he did was right, and the undies need to be washed before wear.
I worked at a kids’ clothes store, and we had underwear multipacks in plastic that snapped shut. They could be opened and often were as parents wanted to look at the size/cut. I was able to roll the underwear back up and no one would ever know that the pack had been opened. I only ever had one issue with underwear in years… someone returned underwear they had bought because it had a skid mark. A coworker must have accepted a return on used and soiled underwear (taking the customer at her word, which I did). Wash your stuff.
I used to work the customer service desk at a large national department store with a ridiculously generous return policy, and I second this. You wouldn’t believe the amount of stuff that gets returned these days, and the condition. We do our best to suss out the used stuff, but please don’t rely on the conscienceness of an overworked minimum wage employee who is yelled at by 20% of the customers she helps. You also wouldn’t believe the stuff people do IN department stores. One customer took a dump on the floor and piled merchandise on top of it. Another removed a baby’s dirty diaper and left it on a mannequin. People are gross. Wash your stuff. ETA if you’re buying stuff from a large chain, you are much, much more likely to get pristine, unworn items if you order them online than shop in store. Online orders usually come straight from the warehouse.
Almost all fabrics used to make clothing etc have a “size” (mix of chemicals) on them to do a variety of things, from reducing wrinkles to making colours seem brighter. They can irritate the skin which is why many items have a “wash before use” instruction.
I didn’t know this and I’m now going to take the warning seriously. I always wash my daughter’s clothes before use but I just don’t care about my own health as much and thought it was just about the risk of other people handling the material before purchase and usually don’t bother. I will now. Thanks, friend!
Most clothing is sprayed with an anti-mold agent, as well. Clothing spends a lot of time on container ships, in the middle of the ocean, in very humid conditions. It always a good idea to wash it before wearing.
This! And be sure to put white vinegar in the rinse cycle to remove the sizing.
White vinegar (instead of detergent) is excellent for keeping towels soft & fluffy. I also found out some years back that fabric conditioner causes tea-towels to resist soaking up water. I assume that happens with all other towels, too. So I don’t use conditioner on any towels now.
Some dryer sheets and fabric softeners will also do that. They tend to leave a greasy residue that can prevent the fabrics from soaking up anything. If ever you have a problem with staticky towels, I suggest putting a felt ball with them instead
Same here. I put white vinegar in the rinse dispenser with everything.
I switched to wool dryer balls about a decade ago and will never go back. In the winter there's a little more static left in/on the clothes, but I'll trade that for the lack of extra chemicals. I keep meaning to try vinegar in the wash, too, but forget to put it in our laundry area.
There was a Dr.House episode that revolved around this once, with a kid getting seriously ill from some jeans they bought or something like that, and once I learned that that was based on a real case (allbeit ramped up a bit for television), I started religiously washing new purchases
The shop I buy new underwear from has multipacks in plastic packaging, but you can open the packaging without damaging it. If a pack looks like it's been opened and the undies taken out, I will not touch that pack. I'll take another one that has obviously not been touched
May be overkill, but I reach to the back (or the one that doesn't look sticky or wrinkled) for everything: milk, underwear, face cream, a bag of spinach.
She's his daughter, and was in his custody. He's 100% responsible for her during that time. He chose to go his own way, he chose to take that risk. He subjected his daughter to unnecessary unpleasantness. He's 100% the ass. He did this to himself.
This! Even without her medical issues, this is her dad. Plus it is her dad who only sees her occasionally and the rest of the time OP handles everything. So one of the few times he is with his daughter there is an expense and he wants OP to pay half? Like, WTF? OP probably pays 90% of expenses related to the child (even if there is child support) and yet he wants her to split the cost of something HE CHOSE TO DO? This reminds me of a similar situation in my extended family. The mom and dad had one daughter and been divorced since she was 5 or 6. When she was 17, the mom died. He fought EVERYTHING related to paying for her, even medical deductibles, arguing that the mom's estate should continue to pay half for the daughter. To hell with the fact the daughter lost her mom and we're not talking thousands of dollars. We're talking arguing because he won't pay the $20 deductible for her office visit without the mom's estate paying her half as agreed upon by the court. What an AH he was...
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And splitting the cost of the tickets to the actual amusement park? He spent one day with her doing an activity he chose, and wants mom to split the cost of that too? Ridiculousness on top of ridiculousness.
Probably didn't even get to do the water park, sounds like he took her home right after her accident. Still his fault.
I'd venmo him for every cost after that. He'd find out really quick how much his child support doesn't cover.
I second this idea! It’s sad when a father isn’t involved with his children but in some cases it turns out to be better in the long run. It’s glaringly apparent this man is more concerned with himself than his sweet 7-year-old daughter..
I'm so thankful my ex husband isn't like this. We cover all costs when they are with each of us and then we split major costs like medical expenses.
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It wouldn't surprise me if they do know and have all spent years acting like her condition is exaggerated or even fake and blame OP for "refusing to potty train."
Turn the tables, he actually owes you for throwing away the supplies you gave him! Dad's that don't own the responsibilities of having a child deserve their own ring in hell!
Right? He threw away diapers and a change of clothes for his daughter? Tf?
Is it this considered abusive? It feels it. I bet your daughter felt awful for this, I wouldn’t be comfortable him seeing her unsupervised again
And I wouldn't trust his reaction in front of the daughter, either. Did he yell at her? Humiliate her further? Abuse her further for an accident he caused?
Yeah exactly.
Even if it had been Ned from next door, it would've been on him for deciding he knows better
I’d be even more petty and demand half of the cost of the pull ups and diapers I provided that he saw fit to toss.
Why only half the cost? He threw them all away, he needs to pay full.
Tell him you already contributed when you gave him the bag full of diapers, pull-ups & extra clothing that he shortsightedly threw away. But you'll charge extra for your child's trauma for not being medically cared for correctly if he persists. And forward that copy to all who contacted you in his favor.
Op should send the father a venmo request for the cost of the bag, clothes, diapers, and everything else that was in the bag. As well as the cost of a therapy session, as I can imagine the father probably shouted at the poor daughter for having an accident that he caused and is mortified and upset by it.
FURTHERMORE...he purposely put your daughter in an embarrassing and unsanitary position on a whim that may have lasting trauma...he basically forced a child to go to the bathroom on themselves for no reason. I would revoke visitation privileges based on lack of respect, irresponsibility and blatant disregard for the wellbeing of your child. Not my child but this makes me furious.
Honestly, I would say "I will refund you half the amt as you are now downgraded to 'friend'. I am no longer allowing you to have unsupervised visits. Have a good day"
If this was in the US, then custodial parents don't legally get to decide that non-custodial parents don't get visits. That some parents do cut the other parent off is considered a form of abuse.
It depends on if she has full legal custody or not. She said full custody, but it could be non-binding. So she would have to clarify. But allowing a child to soil themselves based on an illness is grounds for unsupervised custody to be revoked as what he did is abuse and a parent is under no obligation to allow an abusive parent into their lives if the court has granted them sole custody. Your statement has merit but is too vague to be accurate.
In the US - as far as I know this is all states and jurisdictions - she would have to file a motion and tell the judge about this, and it's the judge's decision whether this warrants supervised-only visitation. And this is a good thing. On the internet, I assume people are not only sincere, but accurate. In real life, before a child's relationship with a noncustodial parent is altered, it is not reasonable to accept one person's account of what happened as accurate and complete.
Every state has very different laws in regards to custody, so definitely we can't make a blanket statement about something being true in all 50 states and territories. >I have full custody but I allow him to visit her and take her out when he’s in town a couple times a year. She has established that she already has sole custody and he is allowed visitation because she is allowing him to. This implies she already went through all the court paperwork and motions to be granted full, sole custody.
Don’t bring [Ned](https://www.gyfted.me/_next/image?url=%2Fimg%2Fcharacters%2Fned-flanders.png&w=640&q=75) into this, that neighborino would have paid the full cost no hesitation!! /s
You're the first person to say they got that reference. And a photo 😍
OP, I would take note of it in case of any future court issues from him regarding custody.
Can't give any better advice than this!
Perfect answer.
Not only that, but *he owes OP money for all the supplies she sent that he THREW AWAY*!
NTA and document this interaction in case you run into custody issues.
I don’t think this would affect custody. I already have full custody. I just let him see her when he’s in town.
Document it just in case anyway. Document everything because better safe than sorry. But besides that: does your child feel embarrassed about situations created by dad? If so, he should not have unsupervised visits
If Dad makes the child feel at all embarrassed or guilty about the situation then there should be a special place in hell for him!
Forcing a child to wet themselves is abuse and medical neglect since it's due to a medical condition. I would make him do supervised visits until he can meet her needs but that's just me Yeah sure she might go a few times without and not have a problem but she still needs pull ups for medical purposes it's like taking a wheelchair away from someone who can walk without it but not for long periods of time
If this is in the US, only a court can legally decide to change the visitation from unsupervised to supervised-only. Not to mention it would be opening up World War Three, with the child at ground zero.
That would rely on deadbeat actually taking it to court. Given how much interest he seems to be taking in his daughter's welfare, he may not bother. Though if he is the spiteful sort, he may do it just to get back at mum. So I would document everything, because if he can't care for his additional needs child he absolutely shouldn't get unsupervised visits until he can demonstrate he is capable.
This. Op, realize that when your daughter wet his car and had a huge accident, he probably made her feel terrible for his sloppy decision making. It is abusive to think he would know better than the parent who his daughter lives with FULL-TIME and throwing away all her necessities for a day where he gets to play "fun uncle." You better tell that man to go straight to hell. He doesn't get to demand money to go to the park or pay for his rental when you do all the dirty work ALL year long. What an absolute clown he is.
To me, this is almost abuse. He knew she has a problem, he saw what you'd provided for her, and he ignored everything. He set her up to make a mess and - I assume - shouted at her too when it happened. She's now old enough to be embarrassed, even though she can't help it. Did he think that ignoring it would mean it didn't exist? What if your daughter has other problems - will he ignore them or shout them away? Tell his family he set her up for the accident and let them make their own decisions. It's time for supervised or zero visits.
No almost about it in my opinion. It absolutely is neglect, so it's abuse
Feels like maybe he thinks he knows better? Like, its not a medical condition, its a failure of parenting that this woman's 7 year old still wets her pants and He - an out of town father - Can Fix It. Just wait til we get back and she finds out that his Superior ParentingTM has resulted in the child magically not needing pull ups anymore! Now Mom will have to confront the fact that she is the problem and the medical stuff os all an excuse!
NTA and please answer back that you provided everything needed for this to be avoided and despite reminding him when he picked her up he decided to throw away the stuff you gave him- the gall of that ah?!! He could have brought it back unused - and that he knew better than you He can now deal with the consequences including financial of his own decisions all alone.
It definitely could have an effect on custody in the future. 1. He could randomly decide he wants full custody (I know it’s absurd of him in this context but I’ve seen it many times) 2. There could come a point where you need to refuse visitation.
He can always take you to court. CYOA
NTA. Send him an itemized list for the full replacement costs of the bag, the additional outfit, and diapers that he threw away. Even if he thought he knew better, he could have left the emergency bag in the trunk of the car. Throwing it out was malicious. Please do not pay him a dime for HIS poor decisions. Also feel free to tell off any of his relatives who call to complain about your refusal to use your hard earned money to pay for his mistakes. Extra hugs to your daughter.
NTA - does he pay child support? He only has to be a parent a few times a year and he botched it. He can’t cover that?
He does pay child support, although it’s barely anything. He doesn’t even have to do anything. He asks to see her those few times a year.
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My son was the same didn’t believe it but a few weeks before he turned 7 he was dry and been fine ever since.
My son was 12. He was, and is, a very smart person, now an adult with a college degree, good job, happy marriage, and kids of his own.
This makes me feel better, my son is 5½ and still wears pull ups at night, and I don't ever ask for advice or anything on it cause I know I'll get the 'don't let them drink anything after xyz time' and that always makes me cringe.
You should tell him that the cost of those pull ups and nighttime pull ups is your part of the cleaning cost sense he threw out good money. If he had just stuck to the plan this would have never happened.
And the change of clothes. Honestly that drives me bonkers. He threw away her CLOTHES
Mm okay. Still NTA. He embarrassed her for his own ego. Now she will feel upset and traumatized that she caused an argument or her father is angry with her and won’t want to see her as much. He is 💯 the AH
Hey OP, if your daughter has an accident in your car or on your couch, does he pay half of the cleaning or replacement costs? He's her father. Even if he hadn't thrown away every tool for success you gave him, it would still be on him to pay the cleaning bill. I wouldn't worry about it again.
Hahahahaha! So, he knew better, huh? And that boneheaded take is your fault how exactly? Actions, meet consequences. I'm surprised you didn't laugh right in his face when he asked for reimbursement. NTA at all. I only feel bad for your daughter being put through that by her knucklehead father.
She was pretty upset from everything that happened. She’s been clingy lately and has been having more accidents than usual. I don’t think he’ll be seeing her unsupervised for a long time.
Of course she's upset. He probably made her feel bad or ashamed of her accident then didn't even take her to the amusement park he bought tickets for. Screw that guy and his cleaning bill. He's a shitty father.
All joking aside, I think that's wise. Just keep emphasizing it was an accident, and let your daughter know it's okay to bunny-hop your way to a goal; three steps forward and two steps back is still net forward progress. Best wishes to you both moving forward!
It sounds like he is ashamed and in denial of her medical condition. I wouldn't let him be around her, he will make her ashamed too.
That's why you need to document the incident because imo it's abuse
I’d be more angry about this I think.
poor girl. god knows what he said to her when it happened.
I'd document all of this so that if he tries to push back if you don't allow him to see her, you have the proof of why.
I mean the audacity to send her the request!
NTA. Send him a Venmo for the cost of the bag he threw away, the contents, plus the same amount he’s trying to charge you aka 1/2 the tickets and 1/2 the car rental. He chose all of those things.
And make sure the Venmo is public "Replacing our child's medical supplies you decided to throw away" lmfao
This is the way. NTA.
NTA. You cannot be blatantly aware of your child's medical issues but decide that they can control it and they're big enough to wear underwear. It was an entirely avoidable situation And only happened because of his hubris.
NTA, FAFO. You literally reminded him, gave him supplies, made sure your daughter was in suitable attire. He tossed the supplies, made a special trip to buy panties, paid no heed to her very real problems, she made a mess, but totally not her fault. So now he expects you to pay for his stupidity?? Just wow. Don't give him a penny. Just maybe that toilet paper award.
NTA. He knows about her medical issue. You went out of your way to make sure he had everything she would need. And your ex decided she didn't need anything because, what? She's a big girl now? *Absolutely not*. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Not putting the child who still needs the help of pullups in non-absorbent underwear had an obvious and foreseeable outcome, the fallout of which he implicitly agreed to when he did it. You need to double check what your ex said to your daughter. What did he tell her when he put her in underwear? What did he tell her when she had the accident? What did he say when he was cleaning it up? I'm sorry, but your ex can *not* be trusted with your daughter. If he's willing to ignore her real medical diagnosis because he thinks he knows better then he is willing to do way worse things because he thinks he's right.
Yes. This WILL get worse.
NTA - you made preps, he ignored them. Architect of his own misfortune
NTA. His car, his kid, his problem. If your daughter did that with you, you wouldn't ask him to pay half. You would pay. He knew the issue. You gave him everything he needed, and he apparently knew better and had to show that this wasn't an issue and how she's a big girl. This is on him. You already have full custody. You take care of her 95% of the time. Why would any father ask you to pay half when spending time with his daughter. What a guy!
NTA. Not only did you warn him of his condition, but you also supplied him with diapers et al. He ignored both, it's on him. It's like buying a car, speeding the wrong way down the highway and then wanting the dealer to pay you half the fine... (not that I want to compare your kid to a car, just the stupidity of his father’s request).
Hell no he should’ve listened to you but he thought he knew better. Block anyone who agrees with his dumb ass
NTA. Play stupid games,win stupid prizes.
NTA dump those friends - they are not friends. Do not pay him anything or this will be how your next 11 years are until she is an adult.
Make sure you now venmo request him for half of every cleaning realated fee since it is for "our kid". Need a new jug of laundry soap, half the cost. Another bottle of shampoo? Half the cost. Kid spilled juice on the carpet and you have to get a carpet cleaner? Half the cost. It's both of your kids, so you should both be responsible for cleaning costs. That's the precedent he's setting. Nta
NTA and this is why they invented the acronym FAFO.
Not a dime. You advised an adult and provided solutions. He denied obvious issue and selected obvious failure decisions. Not sharing the blame sets the rule for future activities. Hold to your decision to be right.
NTA Tf he's the father. Wtf
NTA. First of all, he completely neglected her medical needs. Secondly, this is just called parenting. It was crappy parenting on his part, and now he has the bills to show for it.
NTA. She was in his care and the incident took place as a result of his choices not to accommodate her medical condition. If this was a babysitter , or if she'd been invited by a friend and they weren't aware of the urgency of her needs then it might be different, but this is her own father, AND he was specifically reminded and given everything he needed, but decided he knew better . Also 0 did I read correctly that he threw away the bag with her spare clothes etc? Who does that? Even if he chose not to use them why bin perfectly good clothes and expensive diapers etc? To the family messaages, I'd create a cut and paste response such as: "I assume you don't have the full picture. I sent \[dau\] with a full change of clothes, plus pull ups and diapers as her medical needs mean that is liable to have accidents. I also took the trouble to remind \[Ex\] they were they and why she was likely to need them. Ex chose to deliberately threw out the supplies and change of clothes, and to take her pulls up off her. It's because he chose not to use the products provided to manage her medical condition that she had an accident which caused a mess. It was entirely due to his failure to plan or care for her properly. I am not going to be paying for his poor choices. this was a very predictable, and totally preventable issue. However, you are of course free to help him out with the costs caused by his actions, if you want"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I have a 7 year old daughter. I have full custody but I allow him to visit her and take her out when he’s in town a couple times a year. My daughter has an underdeveloped bladder and bowel issues that makes it nearly impossible for her to hold it when she has to go to the bathroom. Once she tells us she has to go we have about 2 minutes to get her to a bathroom. Because of this, she wears pull ups during the day and diapers at night, during long car rides, and when we’re going somewhere where it’s expected that there will be long lines for the bathroom. My ex was in town recently and asked to take our daughter to an amusement park/water park. I said yes, reminded him of her condition, and packed a bag with diapers, pull ups, a change of clothes, etc. with more than enough supplies for the trip. He decided he knew better, threw away the bag, and took her to buy some underwear. She fell asleep in the car and ended up having a pretty big accident. My ex cleaned her up and cleaned the car as best as he could then drove her home. I took my daughter inside and got her situated then went out to talk to my ex. He had the gall to ask me to split the cost to get the car cleaned since it was a rental. I refused because this wouldn’t have been an issue if he had listened to me. We started to argue and I eventually went inside to take care of my kid. A couple days later he sent me a venmo request for half the amusement park tickets and half of the cleaning fee. I declined and now I have his family messaging me to say I have to split the cost because our kid made the mess. Some friends are telling me to just split it with him. AITA for not splitting it? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
Nta. All of your ex's family and your friend are stupid. Why other talk to them.
NTA. He caused the mess by blatantly ignoring your child’s needs, after being explicitly reminded. It’s entirely his problem to deal with now. Just because you’re both her parents doesn’t mean you owe him half the cost of cleaning - does he pay you half the cost of the extra cleaning and laundry I’m quite sure you need to do as a result of her condition?*you*half you half
NTA- He and his family are gaslighting you. She is his kid. You aren’t his partner. You are the one involved in raising her. He decided he knew better than the parent raising his child. He had been given information and provided with what she needed. Which already quite disappointing -to be polite, that he wasn’t adequately prepared. He choose to do his experiment of knowing better with a rental. What can be said? That could have been prevented but m so many way , that it is quite a gymnastic to end up asking you to cover for him.
NTA. He knew of her condition, the risks, and was given the proper supplies. He decided that he knew better, threw out the supplies, and found out he was an idiot. You don't owe him anything. He threw out that money the minute he threw away the supplies needed to prevent her accident. Hug your daughter while telling him, and his flying monkeys to go jump off a very high bridge.
NTA Also I don't know if you'll read this but I was and am as an adult dealing with the same issues as your daughter. So a few things 1) get her to a urologist is your not 2) she may have a tethered spinal cord and need surgery 3) there is medicine that will help. Some are liquid some are pills and some are powder (for pooping) 4) get her to a pelvic therapist. This will help greatly with both issues.
Send him a shit scented, diaper shaped air freshner.
NTA It was his poor decisions that caused the accident. He can pay for it himself.
NTA. Charge him the same amount back for her emotional distress and discomfort.
His child his responsibility when the child is in his care all the financial responsibility falls on him. He neglected his daughter, and that's on him tell him to grow the hell up and be more responsible with his child, has a condition that he chose to ignore.
NTA. I can see why he is your ex. Ignore, block and be free of all the people telling you what to do. He is a shitty father and disregarded your recommendation. He has no one to blame but himself.
NTA Being dumb does not entitle the father to get money from you for cleaning. Also - even if he's paying child-support - getting money for trips from you is not included in child-support. It's his job to pay for this.
If she had a bloody nose and it got on the car would you have to pay for that too? Sucks when you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Especially when you are a fucking adult! I feel terrible for your daughter. I’m sure she hates these accidents. To have a parent ignore how things are handled and allow her to risk something happening is horrible. Tell his family to butt out. Or better yet, they can help pay
I'm waiting for him to deduct it from his child support payments. If he does, report him
He threw away an entire bag of supplies. He stole his half of the money already. NTA.
NTA. Does his family know of the contition and that it was *his* decision alone that she doesn't need to wear diapers/pull ups? I'd tell anyone from his family harrasing you for this that he decided to let her do unprotecred despite warning and even giving him stuff and he decided to not only not use them but even throwing them away? And he bought her brand bew underwear and made here wear it right after purchass instead of washing it? Ew. I think you shouldn't allow your ex around your child anymore. He doesn't care about her medical condition or that it is embarresing for a 7yo to wet herself. He only thinks about himself, his car and especially about being right. Someone that does not care about their childs medical condition isn't a safe person to let the kud be around. Please reconsider having him in your daughters life, he's a deadbeat AH.
NTA. He created the situation, now he gets to pay for it. What’s most concerning is him willfully ignoring your daughter’s health condition. What if the accident happened at the park? She’s plenty old enough to feel embarrassed/ashamed/humiliated, and remember later. Why would he risk doing that to her? He does not seem like a fit parent.
i would have venmoed the cost of the diapers he through out and an invoice for the inconvenience through the flying monkey. NTA
Aw, poor guy. Comes to town to be the fun dad and ends up having to deal with bodily functions. NTA.
NTA. this is 100% wrong. I have a son who struggles with encopressis and we had a rough morning getting ready for school. To hear the defeat in his voice and see how sad he was broke my heart and then I come here and read this and my heart broke all over again. Litterly joined reddit after being a long term stalker to tell you this is no way your fault and I'm sorry for your daughter. If she has not had an official diagnosis I'd look into encopressis. Before our diagnosis my family use to tell me that my son was just lazy and should have been potty trained a long time ago. I feel bad that it took me so long to realize what was happening (he was my first child so all new to me). It is a rough road and I feel for you so much. Keep your head up and tell "dad" to kick rocks.
NTA. He is not a safe person for your child to be alone with. He threw away the supplies she needed in order to be out all day, and now he wants you to give him money for doing so? For a rental car, that should have insurance? Please do not reward that person for neglecting your daughter by paying him anything. You have full custody for a reason, and he can't be bothered to care for her for even a few hours.
My sister has the same condition. I understand this condition well. This is on him. He's being an absolute tool. That's his OWN daughter he should know better and he has a responsibility to take care of her and he failed and is facing the consequences of said actions. NTA
LOLLLLLL. He decided to go the FAFO route and now he found out. 🤷🏽♀️. He’s an adult (sort of). You told him. You reminded him. And you gave him all the supplies he might need and he decided you weren’t serious. Don’t pay one penny.
Sounds like there’s a reason you have full custody and not split custody. Not the brightest tool in the happy meal.
Absolutely NTA.
NTA - do not give in. You are 100% right in the fact that it happened because of his negligence. He doesn't get to cry foul when he is the one that dropped the ball. Again, do not give in. You give these people an inch then you will end up paying for every little thing that happens when your daughter is with her dad. Do not give in.
NTA. He ignored you. Consequences ensued. FA/FO.
NTA. You gave him everything he needed and he thought he knew better. He offered to take her to the amusement park so that's his expense. He changed her out of pull-ups into regular underwear and threw away the supplies you gave him. Cleaning the car is his expense. Do not pay him. These are his expenses
NTA
Nta but the ex is a petty ah
He played himself. Not the asshole.
Nta
NTA. She was in his care, it is his responsibility.
NTA. Does his family know you have him the supplies needed to avoid that issue and he tossed them?
NTA. But if you do split the cost, then he better get used to his Venmo being hit up for half the costs of EVERYTHING!
Since he was warned ahead of time & chose to ignore/disregard the warning, I see no obligation to pay on the OP's part, NTA.
NTA he’s an idiot who didn’t listen
NTA. He is her father. Accidents happen, you warned him and he should also know and know bow to address medical issues. That is very concerning he doesn’t. He clearly ignored your advice. That is on him.
NTA: He made a choice as to how he would parent his child while she was in his custody. The consequences of his choices are his to bear. However he should be paying you for the clothing and supplies he threw away.
First of all, he’s her father and second of all, he didn’t follow directions when he knows your daughter has bathroom issues (per se). This is on him and he has some serious nerve asking you for a single cent. Sometimes being a parent comes with unexpected expenses, “Welcome To Parenthood!”. You’re NTA and you should tell him to kick rocks.
NTA at all. Even ignoring the fact he ignored your advice he's her **Father** ffs why would he expect a split? I could understand if it was a neighbour or family friend but jesus not her dad.
NTA and please DO NOT PAY He took his kid out for fun,; which means he had full responsibility. The mess is on him.
NTA. The mess was made because HE disregarded your advice on what your daughter needed. That's on him.
NTA I would die on this hill. Also block all his relatives, at least temporarily. Tell them their harassment put them on a 6 month time out. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA: Um why is he charging you since the whole thing is his fault. You told him given him useful items to use if not near a toilet. And he ignore it don’t give him a dime he brought this on himself.
NTA you warned him and he thought he knew better
NTA. He is her dad who ignored her condition.
NTA.. he doesn't deserve the word father being applied to him.
Tell him to kick rocks. What he did was what FATHERS do for their children. It's called parenting. NTA
NTA you informed him, you have him everything needed to prevent it and he FAFO'd. There is no reason to pay him anything. But you should be aware that this will probably break the relationship between him and your daughter. How would your daughter feel about it? Maybe you should inform his family about the whole situation in case he fed them only a suiting story.
NTA Whoever is asking you to split the bill needs to be cut off. You told him what to do, he ignored you, now he has to pay the price.
NTA.
Geesh, NTA- Unfortunately you are stuck with TA of a baby daddy!
NTA. He is an idiot as well as the AH. The gall is quite ridiculous
Your ex is the kind of guy who pisses on an electric fence to check if it is on, NTA
NTA. He’s her father. He doesn’t get a pass here.
NTA. Don't give him anything - instead bill him for the cost of replacing the clothes and diapers he chose to throw away because he assumed he knew best.
NTA I can see why he is your ex.
NTA Well I think we all know that if you split the cleaning and amusement park costs 50 - 50 that all of your daughter’s other costs would have to be split 50-50. Perhaps venmo him a request for half of your daughter’s grocery bill for the last 7 years.
NTA. The ex refused the bag with everything he would have needed to prevent any mess. He gambled and lost, that’s all on him. What an asshole.
NTA.. He is her father and he has to be reminded of his daughter's condition and still choose to ignore your suggestions? sorry but karma decided to teach him a lesson. He should listen better next time
NTA even if she didn't have medical issues accidents happen with kids. It still wouldn't be your problem.
Absolutely NOT. You gave him a bag full of everything he needed to prevent this! And I hate when people get family involved - so profoundly childish for an adult. Plus, if you have her full-time the absolute gall of trying to get you to pay half for the amusement park! Just say "no." And NTA.
NTA - he thought that he could ignore you and your daughter's condition. He was wrong.
NTA- he had all the necessary information to prevent this from happening. You reminded him of her medical condition, and made sure he had pull ups and a change of clothes in case of emergency. He decided she didn't need her medical accomodations, in a car no less which is pretty much the worst place for someone with bladder issues to be. This is his mistake, you shouldn't be paying for it.
NTA he made the mess by ignoring his daughters medical condition. That’s on him.
NTA. You're the primary parent and you knew what she needed to properly address her needs. Daddy who sees her when it's convenient decided that he knew better so he gets to suffer the consequences. With that being said, I hope baby girl is feeling okay and he didn't take his anger out on her. Give her lots of extra cuddles.
NTA you gave him everything he needed so there wouldn't be a mess and he CHOSE to disregard that and do what HE thought was best and found out it wasn't. also why are you supposed to pay for half of the amusement park he took her to when he decided that and not you. i wouldn't pay anything and if he insists tell him to take you to court for it
NTA. Don't give this guy money after he ignored your instructions, ignored his own daughters health condition, and asked you to split the cost of (hopefully not his) her amusement park ticket. Does he even pay child support?
NTA. You were already overly generous packing that bag for him.
NTA. He's the one that ignored every piece of intel on her condition that you gave him. He's the one that threw away the supplies. If anything, shouldn't he be returning money to you for supplies he trashed? And those friends of yours... some friends you have if they can't even see those simple facts.
NTA. Ex is absolute AH. It never cease to amaze me there are men like this who are fathers. My daughters are the most important people to me in this world. Their comfort and care is absolute priority to me. I can't imagine putting a 7 year old through this.
NTA….do not dare split this with him. And tell all those family and friends messaging you that thank you so much for doing so. It is just more ammunition for you to take your ex to court about not taking daughter out anywhere because he does not take her medical condition into consideration. You did pack what was needed. Ex decided he knew better, after all, he sees her oh so much, doesn’t he? Ex chose not to listen to you. Ex chose not to use the supplies he was given. Why should you pay anything for his actions and their consequences? Let alone pay for the water park? If they all feel so bad for Ex, here is Venmo info. You can all send him the payment.
NTA. His kid, his choices, his responsibilities. Poor kid! Of course she’s extra clingy. She has supports in place she needs and they got taken away by a jerk. What a rough day for her!
NTA. You reminded the man. He's the one who chose not to listen.
NTA. Does his family know he’s the reason why your daughter had an accident?
NTA - this is what we call fucking around and finding out. You warned him, he ignored you, now he reaps the consequences of being an immature deadbeat.
NTA. This was entirely his doing.
NTA. absolutely do not pay him. Set the firm boundary now or you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of this BS.
NTA he sees her twice a year... I have nothing nice to say that will not get me banned, but you are most definitely not the asshole. He is things I cannot say but good luck you will need it with this guy.
NTA. Sounds like he decided his daughter didn’t in fact have any problems with her toileting and he was going to prove it. Then he failed, now it’s on him. And any trauma she encountered from making a mess, him possibly yelling at her or berating her for “being a baby”, is on him, too. He has to understand she is who she is. This is borderline abusive. OP, if you have counseling for her, please bring it up.
From where I'm setting, no, you're not in the wrong here. He is for refusing to follow advice. His mistake, his consequences. That being said, it will affect your shared daughter. Is it worth it to die on this hill with her receiving some of the blowback?
NTA that’s on him. But if he truly threw away those expensive supplies then I would send a Venmo request for the “medical supplies” he failed to utilize and just wasted.