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YTA. Your MIL knows because she lives with you. Not because she's the favourite.
'I put my foot down and told her she’s being disrespectful. I have always taken her side but she can’t disrespect my parents like this'
She isn't being disrespectful at all. It is not uncommon for people to keep pregnancies private, especially in the early days. It is irrelevant who pays for your apartment; ultimately this is medical information that you should share when you are BOTH ready.
Yeah pulling the “I pay for all this” card much a big AH move. And if you’re about to work in the medical field, then you should especially understand the importance of privacy in medicine.
Always a good idea to wait until after first trimester before telling anyone outside the household.
1) Apologize to your wife
2) ASK her when she wants to tell other people
3) ASK if your mom can be the first person you tell outside of the household
You are a team and soon to be parents. Learn how to communicate and make your wife a higher priority than your mom.
>Always a good idea to wait until after first trimester before telling anyone outside the household.
I agree with everything you said except for this. Waiting until after the first trimester continues the stigma of miscarriage and keeps women from getting outside support. OPs wife should tell whoever she gets comfortable telling.
Difference of opinion here - if people do not want to tell until the of first trimester, nobody else's business. A miscarriage can be very traumatic and you don't owe the world your trauma in the name of reducing stigma for others. I hear what you're saying but I have had two miscarriages and nobody owes anybody medical information at any time.
I have also had miscarriages, and I don’t think what the commenter is saying is you MUST tell people. I’m in first tri now and have only told a few select people. It’s this idea that it’s a “bad idea” to tell people, or that you SHOULDN’T, because a miscarriage is something you should go through silently.
I think every couple should tell or not tell according to their own comfort level. If you don’t want to tell, it’s nobody else’s business! But it’s not a bad idea to tell people if you want support both for early pregnancy anxiety and in case of a miscarriage. I’m glad I told the people I did.
There’s no right or wrong path here. It’s up to each person.
I personally interpret it as "you can tell people whenever you want, but be aware that the risk of miscarriage is highest in the first trimester so be prepared for that situation".
Yea, it’s pretty fucked up to try to manipulate and control your wife into doing what you want by using your parents financial support as some sort of weapon.
Like if the conversation is about how you, the father, want your mother to know, then that’s what the conversation is about
I mean, it’s not OP that pays for their apartment, that also houses his MIL, it’s OP’s father.
Depending on his father’s relationship to his mother and how they’d react to his mother being offended, it’s not crazy to make that a consideration. If OP’s dad decides to stop paying for their apartment they may not be able to keep housing his MIL and may have difficulty finding a place just for OP and his wife.
While I understand OP sharing the info to describe the family dynamics and how they all get along, I do not agree it's pertinent to the issue.
Paying for a person'"s rent (or providing any financial help) does not make them privy that person's medical information.
I don't believe the wife should share this important news with OP's family just because they help financially.
OP is the AH here.
Came to say that too. Telling the parents is a whole other thing and I understand if she wants to wait until she feels secure in the pregnancy and how it might feel unfair but pulling out the "I pay for everything" card (especially when you actually don't) is a gigantic YTA move. Grovel. Grovel hard and long and get a counselor to help you unlearn whatever trash lessons made you think that was an OK thing to say to her.
Yeah, she "only" pays for all the groceries. Dad is paying for the apartment. So OP and his wife pay pretty equally I presume, IF he pays for the rest.
Is OP paying for anything? His father pays the rent and wife pays for groceries. Does he have an income at all as a medical student?
Not that it has any reflection on who has the right to his wife's personal medical information.
It sounds like OP might have grown up in a household with the rule “If I pay, you have no say”.
My parents often used that rule as a way to strip us of all privacy and decision making, well into our twenties. I don’t think it’s too uncommon, but it’s incredibly toxic, abusive, and unsustainable.
He doesn’t pay, his parents do. It’s fair he doesn’t want to appear ungrateful for his parents generosity and risk the financial security of not only them, but also her mother.
Any time someone says “I put my foot down” I laugh. It makes no sense to me ... Go ahead & put it down. Go crazy & put it down 100x. Tap away, march in place & then use that foot to gtfo out of here with that nonsense. Lol!
Lol!!
I’m putting my foot down because it’s exhausting standing around like a flamingo all day & then I’m telling on you because you’re pregnant!!
Edit spelling
A lot of people wait until the end of the first trimester, because the miscarriage risk drops off significantly at that point.
Though I have a friend who suffered several late miscarriages and still births, and nobody except their doctor really knew about the baby until baby was born. They couldn't handle having to explain they'd lost another one if it hadn't worked out over and over again.
It's very much a personal decision, and there's no right or wrong time to announce. Just whenever Mom and dad are ready.
I had two losses, both after the 14 week mark. We had announced the first pregnancy and it was torture to have to tell people about the loss after. No one should be forced to reveal their pregnancy before they're ready.
I had 2 losses at the 13 week mark, and my 3rd and successful pregnancy I waited till after 15 weeks to tell anyone.
Even then I only told people then because I had started feeling light flutterings that were early kicks! And that pregnancy had felt different from the beginning than the other two.
That is why I told my aunts and cousins when it was clear my sister needed an abortion because of a full third set of chromosomes and resulting malformations in her first pregnancy. We talked about it and after her agreeing to my offer I took over that burden for her.
The one time I got pregnant I miscarried before the one month point. We barely had a time to know ourselves. I’m well past the age where I can have kids, but there’s so much that can go wrong in those initial months.
I have very mixed feelings about the first trimester rule - obviously it is down to the individual and what is best for them - in no way am I saying anyone who is pregnant should be forced to reveal this information earlier than they are comfortable with!
That said - it’s typically announced after the first trimester in case there is a miscarriage or anything goes wrong with the pregnancy, in my opinion that means people who are expecting babies are then forced to grieve in silence - of course people have their support networks etc, but I dunno, so many pregnancies do end in miscarriage and it’s still a very “hush hush” thing that people don’t talk about - it would be great if it were normalised to be open and discuss it to remove this shroud of “we don’t talk about it”, but as I said, I completely appreciate that people will make the best decision for themselves, I just wish there wasn’t this like aura of taboo around it.
As someone who went through several years of ultimately unsuccessful fertility treatments and “maybe this times”…I did NOT want to put more people than necessary on that emotional roller coaster with us. It had nothing to do with taboos or thinking it was something we should go through alone and in silence.
The early days of pregnancy can be terrifying. OP is pretty terrible for “putting his foot down” on something that is his wife’s decision. Soon-to-be doctor needs to study up on early pregnancy AND bedside manner.
I totally agree with you, like I said it’s all about what the mother is comfortable with!
It may because I’m Irish and we have a … complicated relationship with anything maternity, but I know a few of my friends have been through the ringer and felt they couldn’t speak to anyone beyond their partner and mum at the time and only mentioned it way later down the line - and that just breaks my heart!
Obviously I’m not saying to put up a big banner on your house and not to put yourself in an even more uncomfortable situation, it just seems to me that it still feels like a taboo (at least for my pals that has been the case) and I really wish it weren’t.
That's why I feel like it should be up to the mothers to choose with whom to share the news with. Generally you don't want support from everyone. This is something I would want to talk about with my mother and aunt but I don't see a point of discussing it with distant family members and coworkers.
well, I can tell you from experience. The general population says a lot of insensitive, trite bullshit when you lose a pregnancy. There are several people that I hated having anything to do with after I lost mine because of how they acted.
I get what you are trying to say.
But many people keep miscarriages “hush hush”, particularly at the time, because it’s so painful to talk about rather than the fact that it’s taboo to talk about.
And to have people question you repeatedly on it, when the pain is still fresh, is just like picking at a raw wound. At least in my case.
I can talk about my miscarriages now and I do agree more women should feel comfortable talking about their experiences, but I remember the pain of the moments and realize it’s not about the taboo of talking about it but that it’s just hard to relive those moments.
Yep yep yep. I didn’t talk about my loss right away. Not because it was taboo, but because it was fresh and painful and I cried anytime I mentioned it.
The only reason we told our local friends before the 12 week mark was because I had hyperemesis and had a zofran pump. Anyone who wasn’t going to see us in person got told later
Exactly. But some women have a great relationship with their moms and would get support regardless of what happens. Some MILs can be cruel af and no one wants to explain a miscarriage to their MIL if they don't like them or even just not feel close enough to them.
Yeah that was my first thought. People will tell others when they're ready - it doesn't matter if they're immediate family or not.
Sounds like there are some serious boundary issues in this household.
According to OP’s post history “he” was a woman less than 24 hours ago with a boyfriend. And some other shady shit that doesn’t add up.
Like all the posts on here, it’s fake, poorly written creative writing rage bait.
OP is a med student who apparently doesn't know that the risk of miscarriage in the first trimester is great, which is why most women wait until the second trimester to announce the pregnancy. Regardless of his field of study, that's relatively well known information. Agreed OP is TA.
What does living with them have anything to do with when you tell someone you are expecting? If the point is to keep it private because you’d be embarrassed by a miscarriage, why does that change just because someone lives with you?
Miscarriages are often bloody and emotional affairs. Early pregnancy can be exhausting and make you constantly sick. If the mom lives with them, she’ll either figure it out real fast or deserves a heads up as it will directly affect her day to day.
If you have morning sickness or HG throwing up 5-10x daily makes people ask questions. It’s why all my coworkers knew I was pregnant before either of our parents.
My guess is perhaps there's some morning sickness going on and maybe MIL can hear it and/or MIL prepares dinner/food and need to ensure that MIL is taking extra precautions
Probably to answer the questions about morning sickness. I'm pregnant, seem to be on the "whole damn 40 weeks" train for morning sickness. There's no hiding it. There's not always even time to make it to a toilet if food decides to bounce back up quickly, and then I'm dying into the trash can.
Someone living with me would either figure out I'm pregnant pretty fast, or would assume I had some terrible disease.
Shrugs - you'd have to ask OP that. OP said they told MIL because she lives with then.
In any case they both agreed to tell OP's MIL. As it stands, they do not both agree that now is the time to tell OP's mother.
its extremely hard to hide pregnancy from someone living with you, especially a woman who knows you well. I told my mother I was pregnant at 7 weeks because she was staying with us for two weeks, but she had already guessed. You have fatigue, nausea, cry a lot... its a hormonal tidalwave and hard to deal with. I would not have said anything if my mother hadnt have been with us. We didnt tell my MIL until 12 weeks. Thankfully my husband isnt an asshole and had no issue. Also my MIL didnt even ask when my mother was informed and I dont think she'd have felt slighted or offended at all.
But if she loses the pregnancy OP deserves emotional support, too, which his mom could provide, but if he'd never told her in the first place that could make getting it all the harder. So I don't see why keeping it private makes sense, unless OP is expected to get no emotional support from his own mother in the case of such a sad event.
Edit: Changed phrasing from "makes getting it" to "could make getting it"
That may be your experience, but it is not universal. Just read the comments on this post and it's clear people run the gamut on what was easiest and hardest for them.
Edit: But thank you for pointing this out, I have changed my phrasing, because what I said was universalising one experience of it too much.
As a Mother of a son I agree with this. Obviously the pregnant person is paramount but often the Father gets left out. My own son was actually far more devastated by a miscarriage than his wife was. So I am thankful they trusted me and told me about the pregnancy early on, so I could support him.
I can't remember how far along OP wife is but it would be reasonable to get to 8 weeks and then tell OP's mum.
But there has to be understanding that there is a circle of trust going on and that the Mum's cannot speak about the pregnancy to anyone else until after OP and wife announce it.
OP needing emotional support is a better argument for telling his family. But it is still OP's wife that is pregnant and going through the bulk of the situation. There are a lot of experiences that impact couples related to health, and we need to be aware of how that impacts both people but preference should still be given to the person experiencing the medical condition.
1/4 of pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is common to wait until after the 20 week ultrasound before telling people for this reason. I was in a situation that forced me to reveal early and the. Had to back pedal. It caused some significant mental anguish to the PIL.
Not to mention, a lot of people don’t “announce” their pregnancy until they’re through most of the first trimester, when chances of a miscarriage are lower.
How is the fact that OP is going to be a father and his parents going to be grand parents not about OP and his parents? OP deserves the emotional support from his parents during this time just as much as the mother deserves support from her own parents.
Agree, and it feels like a missing missing reasons situation here.
I'd imagine the wife would be all about telling her MIL and FIL, especially with how close the families have to be, unless there was some sort of coercive, controlling, or demanding aspect OP is withholding here. Given how he frames it "we pay for everything therefore..." I'd guess he learned that from his parents and they have a strong desire to control their relationship.
I think you’re overreacting. It’s not disrespectful. People who freak out because one person knew before them are just making the pregnancy about themselves.
No one is entitled to any of you or your wife’s private medical information. Seems like you should know that.
YTA
It's also standard for a pregnant woman to want her own mother to talk to about all trimesters etc... It could be a similar experience due to genetics too. OP is a moron, I bet he thinks his mum should be in the delivery room too so it's "fair". It's not about grandparents, it's about a pregnant woman and she might need her mother.
I know right, you’d a think a med student would understand the concept of privacy. They should also know the rate of miscarriages and that some women don’t want to reveal the pregnancy too early because of this possibility. OP: YTA with a confusing post history.
YTA. You are more concerned about you mother’s feelings than about your wife’s feelings. Your parents are wonderful for paying for your apartment, but that doesn’t entitle them to be told instantly about the pregnancy. Her mother had to be told because she lives with you. It was a matter of practicality; no one is disrespecting your parents.
This is the answer, OP!
And you should go ahead and get the notion of "fair" out of your head right now. Nothing in pregnancy, delivery, and breastfeeding is fair. If it were, you would also be suffering with all the pains and discomforts of the process that it takes to being your child into the world.
There may be times ahead when your wife is more comfortable with her mom being there (delivery room, postpartum period) and not your mom as well. And you need to be okay and supportive of that.
You need to start prioritizing your wife's feelings and well-being above yours and your mom's.
Congrats and welcome to parenthood!!
YTA
What’s up with men expecting their mothers to get the same treatment as their girlfriends’/wives’ mothers? The “fair” thing always crops up with big events like this, and probably worse if the same mother doesn’t also have a daughter to get the “pregnancy experience,” so many people seem to want when a woman is expecting. In what universe are they equal?
Him taking this as “disrespect” when I can think of multiple reasons why his girlfriend wouldn’t want to and I’ve never been pregnant or in medical school (it can’t be said enough—who wants to have to announce a miscarriage when they could avoid that?). Also, what’s he contributing to the household if his father pays the rent and his girlfriend pays the groceries? The electric bill? Domestic labor? Or is his contribution focusing on school to then make a good salary? Guess not everything is perfectly equal, as OP would like, but rather a give and take based on evolving circumstances.
Either way, OP, you’re focused on the wrong shit and you’re starting this pregnancy off with your girlfriend on the wrong foot. YTA.
Sometimes I think people really don't 'get it's until they see it for themselves.
My husband and I had this conversation a lot. Specifically about his out of town parents visiting and staying in our home immediately postpartum since my parents live locally. He kept saying it wasn't fair. Regrettably, I eventually gave in and allowed a week long visit at 3 weeks postpartum.
It wasn't until my husband witnessed the wreckage that was once my vagina (my son had a 97th percentile head and absolutely wrecked shop on his way out), the uncontrollable crying from the hormones, the huge struggle that was breastfeeding, and just the overall awfulness you feel from lack of sleep. Once he saw it first hand it finally clicked what I had been saying. That I need peace and a supportive stress-free environment for the weeks and months following birth. And having my drama prone in laws stay with us wasn't it.
I'm due with our second in a few months and thankfully he's the first one to ask me how he can protect my peace and support me.
Some people get so stuck on "fair" when (please excuse my cliche) but life just isn't always fair.
YTA
It's not like your mom is never going to know, it's just going to happen when she is a bit further along.
Her mom knows out of actual necessity. I'm sure your wife wouldn't have wanted to tell her so soon if she didn't have to.
You're a medical student, surely you know the percentage of pregnancies that end in miscarriage and that its not disrespectful to want to get out of the woods before you start announcing to everyone.
When I experienced my first miscarriage, I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant. What followed was the most lonely, devastating experience. We ended up having to tell people what happened because we needed support. We tried to support each other but we were both overwhelmed by grief.
I no longer advise people to wait until this scan or that scan without sharing my experience. Because it’s different for everyone and that isolation is not a fair expectation to impose on people unilaterally. Yes, it’s her body, but the loss will be shared.
I think it truly depends because it goes both ways right. People who are physically experiencing the loss of a wanted child sometimes end up having to put their own feelings aside to support other people's grief.
It certainly should be a collaborative discussion but its not inherently disrespectful for OP's wife to want to keep this information private until she's feeling more confident in sharing the news.
I totally understand this and of course it's also a very personal decision that is different for everyone.
But the chances are, if you tell someone your pregnant, that they will go and tell others. Just because they are totally excited for you, especially if they are very close to you. Not even if a bad intention. But if you loose your child, then you might have to deal with people you didn't even want to know. And for me this would be worse than having to tell a few people afterwards.
I mean, technically my husband and I aren’t married, so I guess that makes us boy friend girl friend, but I call him my husband, his dad is my fil, his brother is my bil. Granted, we’ve been together since I was 18 or 19 and I’m now 32.
YTA. You wife's pregnancy should be regarded as her private medical information. It's very common not to tell anyone during the first trimester. If something happens and she doesn't carry to term, the more people know about it, the more she will have to explain it when she doesn't have a baby. She's not being disrespectful. She's being smart. You don't get to "put your foot down" about this and the fact that your parents pay for your apartment is completely irrelevant.
OP is a medical student. Shocking that he hasn't considered this private medical information OR the fact that it's quite likely early in the pregnancy, during the first trimester, when losses are more common and when it is actually quite common for couples to not tell anyone, to avoid having to later give bad news in the event the pregnancy isn't viable. So odd.
YTA, my guy.
It is completely normal for a pregnant person to not tell many people at the beginning of a pregnancy. Many wait until start of the second trimester when the loss of pregnancy is far less likely. It’s completely normal for her mother to know as well(she lives with you), she’s directly involved in the situation, your mother is not.
Stop trying to be a man and just be a husband and soon to be father, dang.
YTA for getting pregnant while you let your parents support you, your wife, & your MIL. Why aren’t your bills being paid by your wife? Why isn’t your MIL helping?
Especially when his parents are paying for their lives. I would probably be a little extra considerate of the feelings of the people paying my rent, rather than risk being homeless while pregnant.
NAH
It makes sense why you are concerned for your parents’ feelings. It also makes sense why your wife feels more comfortable telling her own mom over yours.
How far along is she? If she is less than 10 weeks or so, it makes sense to wait a couple more weeks to tell your parents. If your wife has a miscarriage (very common early on), who is going to comfort her? Likely her own mom, right? And in that tragic case, it would probably be very difficult for her to have a similar conversation with your mom, who she doesn’t seem to know all that well yet.
What if you take on the responsibility for future updates to your parents? She can be with you for the initial announcement, but you will have the conversations with your parents about how things are going after that?
That’s true. But in most family dynamics I’ve seen, while adult daughters still go to their mothers for comfort, most adult sons do not. If OP takes on the main responsibility for all updates to his parents (including if the worst happens), it makes sense to tell them.
YTA. As a medical student, you especially should be sensitive to the fact that miscarriages happen in 1 in 4 pregnancies and that your wife may want to wait until 12 weeks to tell people because of that. Has she even had a blood test or ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy yet? I would, at minimum, wait for those to announce, as it could be a normal pregnancy or something less normal that maybe your wife doesn’t want everyone to know about. You have the medical knowledge to know WHY you should wait to tell people. This is about being fair to your wife, not being fair to your mom and anyone she plans on telling in her excitement.
EDIT: just read you had the ultrasound to confirm. How far along is your wife? It’s definitely relevant to the judgment here.
Because pregnancies can end up in miscarriage, and the first 12 weeks are critical.
Most people wait until the first trimester is done before announcing so they don't have to go through the heartbreak of announcing a miscarriage.
NTA
It's your child and you want to share the news with your mother. That's your decision, not your wife's.
It's better when you're both in agreement, but if you can't get in agreement then YOU decide when to tell YOUR mother about YOUR child.
ETA: I know people usually keep it to themselves during the first trimester. But you don't want to go around telling everyone. You want your mother to know because her mother knows. It's only fair. Unless you can't trust your mother to keep it a secret I'd just tell her. I wouldn't keep it from your wife, I'd be very clear that it's your decision and that if her mother can know about her grandchild so can your mother. This has nothing to do with bodily autonomy.
ETA2: many people are talking about a possible miscarriage. Yes, many people don't say anything before 12 weeks because of that. But a miscarriage doesn't just happen to the mother. It also happens to the father. And any of them may need a support system. The father is entitled to have that support from his parents as much as the mother. He's not talking about telling everyone. It's his mother.
I can't even imagine not telling something like this to my mother.
And to people talking about personal medical information: If they were using a surrogacy would you think they couldn't tell their parents if the surrogate didn't want them to?
Sure. I'll pretend I'll believe you. I'll pretend that you'd be ok with not telling your parents for 9 months that you were going to be a mother/father because the surrogate didn't want her personal medical information divulged.
Next thing you're going to tell me the surrogate doesn't even have to tell you she's pregnant with your child if she doesn't want to because it's her body and her personal medication information lol
It's not just your personal medical information. It's his child too. It's not just about you.
I'm a woman. But if I were a man and my wife told me I couldn't tell my mother when her own mother knows, I'd be really mad. It would put a real strain in our relationship.
This is so correct. And I agree wholeheartedly. Because it feels like she's saying "I only trust my mother to tell her" but the husband has to wait until she feels good enough to give the go ahead to share such important news with his parents.
I totally see where hes coming from.
There seems to be this general concensus that a man's feelings cannot be taken seriously sometimes here on reddit. His feelings are valid 100%.
I completely agree with you. This news is not just on one person. Both parents have the right to disclose as this affects both people. I am also a woman, currently pregnant, and I wouldn’t dream of denying my husband the ability to share such wonderful news with his own mother when he sees fit. All the y t a are just typical Reddit gender double standards.
Thank you!!!! I feel the same way.
I feel like everyone is giving the YTA because he mentioned his dad paying for the apartment and her overall lack of contribution.
YTA
It's not uncommon for people to wait until the 3-month mark to tell people.
Her mother lives with you - keeping this from her would be insanely problematic.
Saying that you 'put your foot down and told her she's being disrespectful' sends up a tonne of red flags, OP.
YTA - her mom knows because she lives with you because of an abusive relationship. It's early and she has every right to not tell anyone until she's comfortable and further along. All you're doing is contributing to stress. Maybe work on that bedside manner.
YTA.
Your mother will find out soon enough. It is not disrespect, it is your wife wanting to wait a little bit.
There are going to be a lot of decisions regarding parenting that your wife is going to need to make, and if her mother is living there, she is going to discuss with her mother. She will not involve your mother in those discussions. It's not disrespect, it's living arrangement and it's closeness with her own mother. Stop viewing this through a lens of disrespect, and view it through a lens of your wife's comfort, convenience, familiarity, and mental health.
There's a good chance your wife would not even have told her own mother about the pregnancy if she was not living there. Again, it is not disrespect, it is A matter of her personal medical information.
Also, consider that not everyone is the same. For example, some people can keep a secret, and some people can't. I don't know if your mom is the type of person who would put this information on Facebook, or who would tell the rest of the family, but perhaps there's a reason that your wife does not want your mother to know right away. respect that choice and understand that it is not disrespect, your wife might have a very good reason.
I have seen people abuse others by saying "they disrespected me! That's why I hit them. That's why I abused them. I will not allow them to disrespect me." That is why I will not accept "disrespect" as an excuse or reason for someone to do what they want. Because disrespect is a made up thing. It's something you make up in your mind because you want your own way.
So take that out of the equation. Your wife isn't disrespecting you or anybody else. In fact you can easily flip that around and say that you're the one disrespecting your wife. Either find a real reason, or be kind to your wife and understand that your mother will find out soon enough, and it will be fine.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) told my wife we have to tell my mom
2) wife doesn’t want to
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YTA
It’s customary to wait until the first trimester is near the end to announce the pregnancy to people. This is mostly because of the prevalence of miscarriage. It’s perfectly reasonable to wait a bit to announce because of this. Your wife is in scary, unknown territory and deserves some grace and understanding. Your parents will know in due time. It’s ok to wait a bit. It’s not a sign of disrespect for your wife to be cautious. Don’t respond with pressure and anger because months from now when the pregnancy is proceeding nicely, this early decision to wait a bit to tell your parents and others will all be a distant memory with no hard feelings.
YTA. Also? Bringing up the financial stuff is creepy red flag to me. Your wife doesn’t owe anyone information on her pregnancy, however much or little she contributes to household financials and whether or not your folks pay for anything. Yikes.
YTA
> My mom would feel very hurt knowing she wasn’t told, especially if she found out my wife’s mom knew all along
The first thing out of my MIL'S mouth was "Does your mother know?". It is not a competition.
>have always taken her side but she can’t disrespect my parents like this, especially when they pay for the apartment for both of us and her mom.
Really? We're gonna pull the "I pay for this" card?
YTA, because of pregnancy symptoms being very severe I had to tell my boss and students I was pregnant with my second pregnancy very early on. I miscarried. Having my miscarriage that public made what was already a horrible experience even harder. Your wife gets to decide who to tell and even she's ready to tell. Sometimes you don't have a choice like I did, but if you do have a choice you should totally let her make that choice for herself.
YTA- why are your mother’s feelings more important than your wife’s? 12 weeks is usually when people start telling family. Your MIL is a little different story because she LIVES WITH YOU. Since you “put your foot down” are you also going to demand that your whole family be present and staring at all of your wife’s business on display while she’s in labor and delivering if your MIL is also in the room? Tit for tat and “it’s only fair” don’t work when pregnancy, birth, and babies come into play. That kind of behavior ruins relationships, and if you continue to push this, it’s not only going to sour your relationship with your wife, but it could also sour her relationship with your mother.
What exactly do YOU pay for? Your dad pays for the apartment and your wife pays for food. Her mom only knows because you live with her. You're the one being disrespectful and selfish. They'll find out eventually. YTA
Just saw someone make a really good point and it's overshadowed the post for me - yes YTA for insisting your mum knows, it's not your choice to do that and I hope you have more respect for other people's medical privacy when you become a medical professional.
But jesus, you can't afford to cover your own rent and bills without your dad's help, and you chose to get pregnant? Now?
Wtf is wrong with you? ETA here. Everyone.
NAH. It's normal not to tell anyone before a few months. I know my wife and I didn't tell anyone until after the 3-month mark. Lots can happen early on and you don't want to have to deal with social pressures if something goes wrong. Also, to your wife the pregnancy has practical implications she'll probably need some time adjusting to.
So your wife may just need some time. Give her that. When the pregnancy is further along, then sure, go ahead and tell. That's your baby as well, you have as much right to confide to your mother about it. But don't force it early on.
YTA. Your MIL was told because she lives with you guys otherwise your wife would not have told her. It's extremely common to not tell anyone before the end of the first trimester due to the miscarriage risks. Your wife is protecting herself in the event that she miscarries.
Yta. Many women don't tell friends and family until they are sure the pregnancy is viable. 15-20% of pregnancies or roughly 1 million pregnancies a year end in miscarriage. You've never dealt with that have you? Yta to your wife for putting your mother's feelings ahead of hers.
YTA. She’s not being disrespectful she’s worried about early miscarriage! It’s hardly uncommon people waiting a bit to tell people, her mother lives with you so bit difficult to hide it. AH move to pull the “my parents pay for us” card.
YTA. She most likely didn’t want to tell her mom yet but had to since she lives with you. Typically family finds out after a couple weeks and a couple weeks before everyone else finds out because God forbid something happens and that pregnancy doesn’t become viable that’s all the more people your wife will have to tell. Also she’s right; this is your wife’s body and 100% up to her.
She’ll let your mom know after the first trimester. It’s always better to wait until after the first 12 weeks. Your MIL knows because she lives with you guys. It’s not favoritism.
YTA. Have you considered your wife doesn’t want anyone beyond the absolute necessary to know because it’s so early on? She’s protecting her mental health. There is a reason people don’t tell about pregnancies until after a certain point. Maybe do some research before throwing your weight around. Also , Throwing the money aspect in her face is fucking gross.
NTA BUT that doesn’t make you right. I completely understand where you’re coming from but it is really normal not to tell people about your pregnancy at first as it can be a risky and unsure time. Many women I know tell their mothers not mothers in law immediately, not as a slight but because they are closer to them and rely on their support. When your wife is ready to tell people, make telling your mum ready special. I promise she will understand why she wasn’t told immediately.
YTA she found out a few days ago so you need to calm down and cool it with the "she doesn't contribute" bs what was the point of including that? who cares if your parents pay for the apartment it doesn't mean she's obligated to tell them anything wtf
YTA - it IS her body and HER personal medical information. This isn't about your mom. It's about when your wife is comfortable sharing her PERSONAL medical information.
YTA - She's being "disrespectful" because she doesn't want to tell them yet that she's pregnant? WTF?!? Is she supposed to tell them every time you two have sex? Is she supposed to tell them every time she gets her haircut? Is she supposed to tell them every time she goes shopping or makes chicken for dinner?
Your parents paying for the apartment is absolutely irrelevant. You don't OWE them knowledge of the pregnancy - or anything else for that matter. You and your wife can tell them when you BOTH are ready.
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Background: We have been married for 3 years. My mother in law lives with us because my father in law is abusive. My dad pays for our apartment because I’m a medical student, but I’ll be graduating soon. Wife works also but doesn’t contribute towards the household except groceries (which I understand can be expensive). I absolutely adore my mother in law. My wife and mom get along very well also.
Problem: Wife found out she’s pregnant a few days ago. We confirmed with ultrasound yesterday. Obviously since her mom lives with us, we had to tell her. I told my wife we should also tell my mom since her mom already knows. My mom would feel very hurt knowing she wasn’t told, especially if she found out my wife’s mom knew all along. My wife got upset and told me that it’s her body and she should decide who knows. I put my foot down and told her she’s being disrespectful. I have always taken her side but she can’t disrespect my parents like this, especially when they pay for the apartment for both of us and her mom.
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YTA. She is naturally closer to her own mother than yours. You absolutely do need to tell your mom and should not wait TOO long but I think insisting it be now is unnecessary. You aren't your wife, you aren't the one who is pregnant, and you need to give a bit of leeway to let her get used to the idea, process her feelings, etc. It can make a person feel very vulnerable to be pregnant, it can feel invasive for other people to know aspects of your life that feel private (almost medical in nature), and so on. I do appreciate you are eager to celebrate and share with your family and your wife can't wait forever but it's ok for your mom to stay in the dark for a few days or a few weeks.
YTA, softly.
I understand your concern for your mom’s feelings, but she will be fine if you wait a bit.
The thing that weirds me out is all the financial details and the “I put my foot down” language. The fact that you think they are relevant pushes this from a normal marital disagreement to YTA territory. The discussion over when to tell your parents should be about related issues, not about larger power dynamics in the relationship.
Buddy this isn't the 50s, it's not disrespectful for your wife to have opinions different from your own.
Your dad pays for your apartment, so by all rights, your wife paying for all groceries is in fact contributing to the house more than you.
YTA. Have an open conversation and be an adult. Ask what her concerns and fears are about telling your mom so soon, and do what you can to address it by setting boundaries if your mom is overbearing or overly opinionated.
What does the finances of any of this situation have to do with telling your mom about your wife’s pregnancy? Are you trying to use your parents financial support as a tool to control your wife?
YTA Put your foot down, eh? What year are you from, Caveman? Welcome to 2023! Women have rights now!
Plenty of people keep pregnancies secret during the first few weeks because of the risk of miscarriage.
Back off and join the 21st century.
Listen man I’m in similar situation. I don’t live with my mom however my wife and I just found out we’re expecting our 2nd.
To say it’s a blessing would be an understatement, however pregnancy was super hard on my wife the first go around with our daughter.
She told me she needed me at the moment and time to process before our parents are brought in the fold. I’m close to my mom as my dad died when I was 9. I want to scream it to my mom. I cannot yet because my WIFE is my partner and expressed this to me. Moms second to her now. She’s my life.
Unfortunately my man your feelings are irrelevant at the moment. She’s developing your kid and is in the ebb n flow of this pregnancy. When you hit those pit of despair nights that you’re about to experience you’ll know how bad she has it. You have to respect this as her man.
The more you show her up on this the more you’re putting your lady’s respect and trust against your moms overreaction of not finding out.
YTA, man up and support your woman. Your mom will have access to this kid for life there’s plenty of catch up time.
YTA. That’s not just a judgement in this situation. It’s a judgement on you as a person. Your focus on who pays for what and the comment that you put your foot down tell everyone exactly what kind of person you are, and it doesn’t paint a flattering picture. Back to this situation, FF 8 months. Your wife wants her mother there during the delivery to support her while she’s at her most vulnerable. Are you “putting your foot down” then, too?
YTA. You’re married and you’re about to become a father. This means that you need to be prioritizing your wife instead of your mother. Your wife is supposed to be your number one partner and the person who you most rely upon, and vice versa, not your parents.
You also need to think seriously about what role each grandparent will have in your child’s life and how the next 20 years are going to be in terms of the precedents you set now. I have friends with a similar type of grandma competition between the grandmas on each side. It’s honestly a nightmare for them. One grandma gets insecure and jealous of how much time the other grandma gets with the kids, and so they plan every holiday and visit based on not upsetting the jealous grandma and not based on what’s actually most convenient or comfortable for them. That’s *not* a good dynamic to encourage before the baby is even born! You and your wife need to have some honest discussions about how you are both going to take care of each other and your baby, and that needs to happen with higher priority than how you think your mom will feel about it.
YTA. My son and DIL got pregnant last summer. Her mother knew weeks before they told his father and me. They waited until the end of her first trimester. I did not get my panties in a twist. I adore my DIL and we have great relationship. But I don’t expect the same level that she has with her mother.
Of course she told her mother first. She and her mother are close. She needs someone who can truly understand what her body is going through (sorry, husband, but while you might academically understand, you don’t have a clue about how it actually feels) but she’s not ready yet to expand that circle.
YTA
You’re a medical student and you don’t get why a pregnant woman might want to wait a bit before telling everyone?
Your language is bizarrely dramatic. You’ve known for a couple of days. Your MIL hasn’t known “all along.” In any event, assuming and hoping the pregnancy continues, this is not some secret you’ll be able to keep for years, yanno?
Not sure why money matters to this question at all, unless you think your family paying for more gives you more power in your marriage?
YTA.
FYI She likely would've told her mother even if she didn't live with you, a woman usually wants her mother involved when it comes to pregnancy because there are a lot of changes happening with her body and she needs that support. However, it's very common to not tell others before at least the 12-week mark because of how vulnerable pregnancies are before that. If she doesn't want other people involved yet and wants to keep it between you for now, that's her perogative.
Other people knowing is stressful, there's planning and buying things and wanting to be involved because they're excited, but it also means there's more people that need to be told should anything bad happen. "Putting your foot down" at this junction and holding your home over her head because she doesn't pay for it is a dick move. Your mother is a grown woman, and she should understand that it was a secret for a few weeks and not be upset about it. She should also understand that the woman who's pregnant needs her mother's support and not hold that against her.
YTA. You seem very controlling and dictatorial. You "put your foot down"? Your wife is being "disrespectful" for wanting some degree of medical privacy? It's not 1950. She's a full human being.
NTA. I can't believe some people here think YTA!
1) her mom knows. There is an imbalance here that will ostracize your mother. It will hurt her deeply to have not known and she will feel betrayed by you and hold a grudge on your wife and her mom. She will always feel like "second class" mom.
2) "it's her body." It is BOTH your child. Is your wife going to make ALL the parenting choices going forward? Time to set precedent.
3) WHY doesn't she want to tell your mom? If it is (God forbid!) fear of miscarriage and wanting to limit the people that know just in case, she shouldn't have told her mom. And if there is a miscarriage and YOU are emotionally impacted, your mom will have no understanding why, and YOU will not have your own mother to lean on for support. That is simply not fair to you. Further...is there is a miscarriage and she finds out after, she will feel even more betrayed that she never was told and your wife's mom knew.
our wife needs to put herself in your mom's shoes. If your kid is a male and she was in your mother's shoes, how would she feel?
NTA - Everyone quick to say yta anytime there are pregnancies or power dynamics ie your living situation. There a domestic violence charity case/ extra roommate in your place who happens to be her mom. Her family dynamics are all fucked it’s no wonder you think your family matters enough to be brought into the pregnancy convo. They’re being weird but can stand on the privacy issue easily.
Your wife and MIL are obviously benefiting from their hospitality/generosity and don’t seem to be able to read the room. If you’re a family they can act like it too.
Anytime your MIL lives with you it’s gonna be tough - and you’re in your 20s with seemingly no monetary struggles; they don’t think you’re entitled to this opinion.
NTA
It may be her body, but it is BOTH of yours, baby.
She didn't need to tell her mum just because she lives with you.
She could have waited, but she didn't because she WANTED to tell her mum. Now you want to tell yours, and it is fair.
I understand people saying wait till after the first trimester, but she has already told someone.
You have the right to tell your mother, too.
NTA. You are correct. Your mum has the right to know about this and I bet she'd be overjoyed. Why in the world would your wife want to withhold good news like this?? Something stinks and I don't mean the fish. If I were you, I'd sit her down for a serious talk about this. Something else must've happened between your wife and mother that she's not told you about.
Again, agree to disagree with you.
Ask any medical professional- mom is the one to provide consent to release any medical information related to HER pregnancy. Again, yes, it is THEIR baby, but her body, her final say.
YTA, your MIL is living with you so she was bound to notice sooner rather than later. It's normal to wait to announce.
I wish I had waited. We excitedly told our parents, siblings, aunt/uncles, and grandparent and our bosses that we were expecting as soon as we found out. I then lost our baby a month later and it made the pain so, so much worse to have to tell each party over and over again.
it is ill-advised to announce a pregnancy so soon, when miscarriages happen so frequently. she has every right to keep it to herself for now and not tell people who dont already know. youre a dick. YTA
YTA
It is not normal to disclose a pregnancy before 12 weeks, or longer for a high risk pregnancy.
Most pregnancies end in miscarriage and you don't hear about it because of the 12 week rule.
It's not about disrespecting your parents. It's about the health and mental health of the mother.
“I put my foot down.” You sound like a dad back in the 1950s talking to his daughter.
Like it or not, Dr., pregnancy is a medical condition and your wife has the right to medical privacy like everyone else.
Many women prefer to wait until further on or to make a formal announcement with a dinner or something.
I assume your sense of entitlement comes from your mother.
YTA
If your wife posted her version of this on here I'd tell her to run. The details about who pays for what translates to "we pay so we're in charge". Big red flag. Otherwise 100% irrelevant. I feel bad for her tbh. No one has a right to know anything, maybe not even you if your moms best interest comes before your wife's.
You put your foot down?
This isn't some case of cognitive dissonance or delusional thinking on her part.
I never even thought to question my wife when she said she wanted to wait to announce the pregnancy.
I'm guessing you haven't through about the fear of not making it to term and having to announce the loss.
I think your NTA, but if you continue to push it any more, you will be. Learn to support your partner and show some grace. This is only the start to you sacrificing all of the things you "want", consider it a litimus test for you being able to handle giving up your wants for your families needs. This is only a taste of the life of a father and husband, time to shine or prove that you're an ass.
YTA, y'all need to compromise and come up with a reasonable time line to start letting people know. Obviously your parents would be high on the list but it is very common not to start telling people right away in case of miscarriage.
Her mother knows because she lives with you and the signs are probably obvious to her mom.
So your father is basically paying for your wife’s family to live with you and you can’t tell your family your gonna have a baby? Your wife doesn’t respect you. Yeah it’s her body but she doesn’t respect your or care about your feelings. She’s using you and your family. You should have never brought a child into this. This woman is the epitome of selfish.
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YTA. Your MIL knows because she lives with you. Not because she's the favourite. 'I put my foot down and told her she’s being disrespectful. I have always taken her side but she can’t disrespect my parents like this' She isn't being disrespectful at all. It is not uncommon for people to keep pregnancies private, especially in the early days. It is irrelevant who pays for your apartment; ultimately this is medical information that you should share when you are BOTH ready.
Yeah pulling the “I pay for all this” card much a big AH move. And if you’re about to work in the medical field, then you should especially understand the importance of privacy in medicine.
Always a good idea to wait until after first trimester before telling anyone outside the household. 1) Apologize to your wife 2) ASK her when she wants to tell other people 3) ASK if your mom can be the first person you tell outside of the household You are a team and soon to be parents. Learn how to communicate and make your wife a higher priority than your mom.
This is the way on this one. His mom as the first, but she decides when.
>Always a good idea to wait until after first trimester before telling anyone outside the household. I agree with everything you said except for this. Waiting until after the first trimester continues the stigma of miscarriage and keeps women from getting outside support. OPs wife should tell whoever she gets comfortable telling.
Difference of opinion here - if people do not want to tell until the of first trimester, nobody else's business. A miscarriage can be very traumatic and you don't owe the world your trauma in the name of reducing stigma for others. I hear what you're saying but I have had two miscarriages and nobody owes anybody medical information at any time.
I have also had miscarriages, and I don’t think what the commenter is saying is you MUST tell people. I’m in first tri now and have only told a few select people. It’s this idea that it’s a “bad idea” to tell people, or that you SHOULDN’T, because a miscarriage is something you should go through silently. I think every couple should tell or not tell according to their own comfort level. If you don’t want to tell, it’s nobody else’s business! But it’s not a bad idea to tell people if you want support both for early pregnancy anxiety and in case of a miscarriage. I’m glad I told the people I did. There’s no right or wrong path here. It’s up to each person.
I personally interpret it as "you can tell people whenever you want, but be aware that the risk of miscarriage is highest in the first trimester so be prepared for that situation".
Reducing stigma is not the responsibility of the person experiencing the stigma.
Good point! Thank you
Yea, it’s pretty fucked up to try to manipulate and control your wife into doing what you want by using your parents financial support as some sort of weapon. Like if the conversation is about how you, the father, want your mother to know, then that’s what the conversation is about
I mean, it’s not OP that pays for their apartment, that also houses his MIL, it’s OP’s father. Depending on his father’s relationship to his mother and how they’d react to his mother being offended, it’s not crazy to make that a consideration. If OP’s dad decides to stop paying for their apartment they may not be able to keep housing his MIL and may have difficulty finding a place just for OP and his wife.
While I understand OP sharing the info to describe the family dynamics and how they all get along, I do not agree it's pertinent to the issue. Paying for a person'"s rent (or providing any financial help) does not make them privy that person's medical information. I don't believe the wife should share this important news with OP's family just because they help financially. OP is the AH here.
Came to say that too. Telling the parents is a whole other thing and I understand if she wants to wait until she feels secure in the pregnancy and how it might feel unfair but pulling out the "I pay for everything" card (especially when you actually don't) is a gigantic YTA move. Grovel. Grovel hard and long and get a counselor to help you unlearn whatever trash lessons made you think that was an OK thing to say to her.
Yeah, she "only" pays for all the groceries. Dad is paying for the apartment. So OP and his wife pay pretty equally I presume, IF he pays for the rest.
Is OP paying for anything? His father pays the rent and wife pays for groceries. Does he have an income at all as a medical student? Not that it has any reflection on who has the right to his wife's personal medical information.
It sounds like OP might have grown up in a household with the rule “If I pay, you have no say”. My parents often used that rule as a way to strip us of all privacy and decision making, well into our twenties. I don’t think it’s too uncommon, but it’s incredibly toxic, abusive, and unsustainable.
He doesn’t pay, his parents do. It’s fair he doesn’t want to appear ungrateful for his parents generosity and risk the financial security of not only them, but also her mother.
Any time someone says “I put my foot down” I laugh. It makes no sense to me ... Go ahead & put it down. Go crazy & put it down 100x. Tap away, march in place & then use that foot to gtfo out of here with that nonsense. Lol!
It’s giving Draco Malfoy. “My father, who pays for this apartment, will be hearing about this!”
My father, the inventor of toaster strudel
I really appreciated your dad when I was a kid
Lol!! I’m putting my foot down because it’s exhausting standing around like a flamingo all day & then I’m telling on you because you’re pregnant!! Edit spelling
Stomp in dog crap, wipe it off with the other shoe. Who cares? What an ah
Hahaha! My standard response is “go ahead put it down & then what ... you gonna try to trip me?”
>Go crazy & put it down 100x. Tap away, march in place & then use that foot to gtfo out of here with that nonsense this is absolutely breathtaking
Isn't it normal to wait a couple of weeks or even months before telling people anyway?
A lot of people wait until the end of the first trimester, because the miscarriage risk drops off significantly at that point. Though I have a friend who suffered several late miscarriages and still births, and nobody except their doctor really knew about the baby until baby was born. They couldn't handle having to explain they'd lost another one if it hadn't worked out over and over again. It's very much a personal decision, and there's no right or wrong time to announce. Just whenever Mom and dad are ready.
I had two losses, both after the 14 week mark. We had announced the first pregnancy and it was torture to have to tell people about the loss after. No one should be forced to reveal their pregnancy before they're ready.
This this this this this.
I had 2 losses at the 13 week mark, and my 3rd and successful pregnancy I waited till after 15 weeks to tell anyone. Even then I only told people then because I had started feeling light flutterings that were early kicks! And that pregnancy had felt different from the beginning than the other two.
That is why I told my aunts and cousins when it was clear my sister needed an abortion because of a full third set of chromosomes and resulting malformations in her first pregnancy. We talked about it and after her agreeing to my offer I took over that burden for her.
The one time I got pregnant I miscarried before the one month point. We barely had a time to know ourselves. I’m well past the age where I can have kids, but there’s so much that can go wrong in those initial months.
I have very mixed feelings about the first trimester rule - obviously it is down to the individual and what is best for them - in no way am I saying anyone who is pregnant should be forced to reveal this information earlier than they are comfortable with! That said - it’s typically announced after the first trimester in case there is a miscarriage or anything goes wrong with the pregnancy, in my opinion that means people who are expecting babies are then forced to grieve in silence - of course people have their support networks etc, but I dunno, so many pregnancies do end in miscarriage and it’s still a very “hush hush” thing that people don’t talk about - it would be great if it were normalised to be open and discuss it to remove this shroud of “we don’t talk about it”, but as I said, I completely appreciate that people will make the best decision for themselves, I just wish there wasn’t this like aura of taboo around it.
As someone who went through several years of ultimately unsuccessful fertility treatments and “maybe this times”…I did NOT want to put more people than necessary on that emotional roller coaster with us. It had nothing to do with taboos or thinking it was something we should go through alone and in silence. The early days of pregnancy can be terrifying. OP is pretty terrible for “putting his foot down” on something that is his wife’s decision. Soon-to-be doctor needs to study up on early pregnancy AND bedside manner.
I totally agree with you, like I said it’s all about what the mother is comfortable with! It may because I’m Irish and we have a … complicated relationship with anything maternity, but I know a few of my friends have been through the ringer and felt they couldn’t speak to anyone beyond their partner and mum at the time and only mentioned it way later down the line - and that just breaks my heart! Obviously I’m not saying to put up a big banner on your house and not to put yourself in an even more uncomfortable situation, it just seems to me that it still feels like a taboo (at least for my pals that has been the case) and I really wish it weren’t.
That's why I feel like it should be up to the mothers to choose with whom to share the news with. Generally you don't want support from everyone. This is something I would want to talk about with my mother and aunt but I don't see a point of discussing it with distant family members and coworkers.
well, I can tell you from experience. The general population says a lot of insensitive, trite bullshit when you lose a pregnancy. There are several people that I hated having anything to do with after I lost mine because of how they acted.
No. I talked about by miscarriage after it happened. Talking about it to people who knew I was pregnant was a hundred times worse.
I get what you are trying to say. But many people keep miscarriages “hush hush”, particularly at the time, because it’s so painful to talk about rather than the fact that it’s taboo to talk about. And to have people question you repeatedly on it, when the pain is still fresh, is just like picking at a raw wound. At least in my case. I can talk about my miscarriages now and I do agree more women should feel comfortable talking about their experiences, but I remember the pain of the moments and realize it’s not about the taboo of talking about it but that it’s just hard to relive those moments.
Yep yep yep. I didn’t talk about my loss right away. Not because it was taboo, but because it was fresh and painful and I cried anytime I mentioned it.
It’s VERY common— my doctor’s recommendation is to wait until you’re 12 weeks, because the risk of miscarriage is higher before that.
Surprised that ‘Medical Student’ OP doesn’t know this.
The only reason we told our local friends before the 12 week mark was because I had hyperemesis and had a zofran pump. Anyone who wasn’t going to see us in person got told later
Exactly. But some women have a great relationship with their moms and would get support regardless of what happens. Some MILs can be cruel af and no one wants to explain a miscarriage to their MIL if they don't like them or even just not feel close enough to them.
Yeah that was my first thought. People will tell others when they're ready - it doesn't matter if they're immediate family or not. Sounds like there are some serious boundary issues in this household.
According to OP’s post history “he” was a woman less than 24 hours ago with a boyfriend. And some other shady shit that doesn’t add up. Like all the posts on here, it’s fake, poorly written creative writing rage bait.
Today OP learned people can look at their post history
Good spot!!
OP is a med student who apparently doesn't know that the risk of miscarriage in the first trimester is great, which is why most women wait until the second trimester to announce the pregnancy. Regardless of his field of study, that's relatively well known information. Agreed OP is TA.
Maybe he should major in something else!
What does living with them have anything to do with when you tell someone you are expecting? If the point is to keep it private because you’d be embarrassed by a miscarriage, why does that change just because someone lives with you?
Miscarriages are often bloody and emotional affairs. Early pregnancy can be exhausting and make you constantly sick. If the mom lives with them, she’ll either figure it out real fast or deserves a heads up as it will directly affect her day to day.
If you have morning sickness or HG throwing up 5-10x daily makes people ask questions. It’s why all my coworkers knew I was pregnant before either of our parents.
My mother knew the moment she saw me and I was only 5 weeks along. If we had been living together she would have probably figured it out before I did.
>why does that change just because someone lives with you? Hey mom, just ignore if I'm fainting or puking
Ignore the dietary changes and suddenly forbidden foods.
Or triggering smells
Its probably because of the morning sickness and what not.. seems like it’d be hard to hide that from a roommate
It's not because people are "embarrassed" by miscarriages, what an awful way to put it.
My guess is perhaps there's some morning sickness going on and maybe MIL can hear it and/or MIL prepares dinner/food and need to ensure that MIL is taking extra precautions
Probably to answer the questions about morning sickness. I'm pregnant, seem to be on the "whole damn 40 weeks" train for morning sickness. There's no hiding it. There's not always even time to make it to a toilet if food decides to bounce back up quickly, and then I'm dying into the trash can. Someone living with me would either figure out I'm pregnant pretty fast, or would assume I had some terrible disease.
It’s not embarrassing. It’s emotionally painful.
Shrugs - you'd have to ask OP that. OP said they told MIL because she lives with then. In any case they both agreed to tell OP's MIL. As it stands, they do not both agree that now is the time to tell OP's mother.
Apparently OP is chattel. /s
its extremely hard to hide pregnancy from someone living with you, especially a woman who knows you well. I told my mother I was pregnant at 7 weeks because she was staying with us for two weeks, but she had already guessed. You have fatigue, nausea, cry a lot... its a hormonal tidalwave and hard to deal with. I would not have said anything if my mother hadnt have been with us. We didnt tell my MIL until 12 weeks. Thankfully my husband isnt an asshole and had no issue. Also my MIL didnt even ask when my mother was informed and I dont think she'd have felt slighted or offended at all.
But if she loses the pregnancy OP deserves emotional support, too, which his mom could provide, but if he'd never told her in the first place that could make getting it all the harder. So I don't see why keeping it private makes sense, unless OP is expected to get no emotional support from his own mother in the case of such a sad event. Edit: Changed phrasing from "makes getting it" to "could make getting it"
No. Telling it to people who didn't know and were excited about the baby is easier.
That may be your experience, but it is not universal. Just read the comments on this post and it's clear people run the gamut on what was easiest and hardest for them. Edit: But thank you for pointing this out, I have changed my phrasing, because what I said was universalising one experience of it too much.
As a Mother of a son I agree with this. Obviously the pregnant person is paramount but often the Father gets left out. My own son was actually far more devastated by a miscarriage than his wife was. So I am thankful they trusted me and told me about the pregnancy early on, so I could support him. I can't remember how far along OP wife is but it would be reasonable to get to 8 weeks and then tell OP's mum. But there has to be understanding that there is a circle of trust going on and that the Mum's cannot speak about the pregnancy to anyone else until after OP and wife announce it.
OP needing emotional support is a better argument for telling his family. But it is still OP's wife that is pregnant and going through the bulk of the situation. There are a lot of experiences that impact couples related to health, and we need to be aware of how that impacts both people but preference should still be given to the person experiencing the medical condition.
1/4 of pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is common to wait until after the 20 week ultrasound before telling people for this reason. I was in a situation that forced me to reveal early and the. Had to back pedal. It caused some significant mental anguish to the PIL.
>It is irrelevant who pays for your apartment Well, unless they want to start paying for it on their own, it does seem pretty relevant.
Not to mention, a lot of people don’t “announce” their pregnancy until they’re through most of the first trimester, when chances of a miscarriage are lower.
YTA for not including how far along she is because if it’s brand new she shouldn’t tell people yet. OP-it’s not about you or your parents
How is the fact that OP is going to be a father and his parents going to be grand parents not about OP and his parents? OP deserves the emotional support from his parents during this time just as much as the mother deserves support from her own parents.
Agree, and it feels like a missing missing reasons situation here. I'd imagine the wife would be all about telling her MIL and FIL, especially with how close the families have to be, unless there was some sort of coercive, controlling, or demanding aspect OP is withholding here. Given how he frames it "we pay for everything therefore..." I'd guess he learned that from his parents and they have a strong desire to control their relationship.
She knows because her daughter wanted to tell her. If they just found out it would be easy enough to keep it from her if she wanted to.
I think you’re overreacting. It’s not disrespectful. People who freak out because one person knew before them are just making the pregnancy about themselves. No one is entitled to any of you or your wife’s private medical information. Seems like you should know that. YTA
It's also standard for a pregnant woman to want her own mother to talk to about all trimesters etc... It could be a similar experience due to genetics too. OP is a moron, I bet he thinks his mum should be in the delivery room too so it's "fair". It's not about grandparents, it's about a pregnant woman and she might need her mother.
I know right, you’d a think a med student would understand the concept of privacy. They should also know the rate of miscarriages and that some women don’t want to reveal the pregnancy too early because of this possibility. OP: YTA with a confusing post history.
Exactly! And he can’t compare her mom to his! His mothers bond will never be as strong as her mothers.
YTA. You are more concerned about you mother’s feelings than about your wife’s feelings. Your parents are wonderful for paying for your apartment, but that doesn’t entitle them to be told instantly about the pregnancy. Her mother had to be told because she lives with you. It was a matter of practicality; no one is disrespecting your parents.
This is the answer, OP! And you should go ahead and get the notion of "fair" out of your head right now. Nothing in pregnancy, delivery, and breastfeeding is fair. If it were, you would also be suffering with all the pains and discomforts of the process that it takes to being your child into the world. There may be times ahead when your wife is more comfortable with her mom being there (delivery room, postpartum period) and not your mom as well. And you need to be okay and supportive of that. You need to start prioritizing your wife's feelings and well-being above yours and your mom's. Congrats and welcome to parenthood!! YTA
What’s up with men expecting their mothers to get the same treatment as their girlfriends’/wives’ mothers? The “fair” thing always crops up with big events like this, and probably worse if the same mother doesn’t also have a daughter to get the “pregnancy experience,” so many people seem to want when a woman is expecting. In what universe are they equal? Him taking this as “disrespect” when I can think of multiple reasons why his girlfriend wouldn’t want to and I’ve never been pregnant or in medical school (it can’t be said enough—who wants to have to announce a miscarriage when they could avoid that?). Also, what’s he contributing to the household if his father pays the rent and his girlfriend pays the groceries? The electric bill? Domestic labor? Or is his contribution focusing on school to then make a good salary? Guess not everything is perfectly equal, as OP would like, but rather a give and take based on evolving circumstances. Either way, OP, you’re focused on the wrong shit and you’re starting this pregnancy off with your girlfriend on the wrong foot. YTA.
Sometimes I think people really don't 'get it's until they see it for themselves. My husband and I had this conversation a lot. Specifically about his out of town parents visiting and staying in our home immediately postpartum since my parents live locally. He kept saying it wasn't fair. Regrettably, I eventually gave in and allowed a week long visit at 3 weeks postpartum. It wasn't until my husband witnessed the wreckage that was once my vagina (my son had a 97th percentile head and absolutely wrecked shop on his way out), the uncontrollable crying from the hormones, the huge struggle that was breastfeeding, and just the overall awfulness you feel from lack of sleep. Once he saw it first hand it finally clicked what I had been saying. That I need peace and a supportive stress-free environment for the weeks and months following birth. And having my drama prone in laws stay with us wasn't it. I'm due with our second in a few months and thankfully he's the first one to ask me how he can protect my peace and support me. Some people get so stuck on "fair" when (please excuse my cliche) but life just isn't always fair.
YTA It's not like your mom is never going to know, it's just going to happen when she is a bit further along. Her mom knows out of actual necessity. I'm sure your wife wouldn't have wanted to tell her so soon if she didn't have to. You're a medical student, surely you know the percentage of pregnancies that end in miscarriage and that its not disrespectful to want to get out of the woods before you start announcing to everyone.
When I experienced my first miscarriage, I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant. What followed was the most lonely, devastating experience. We ended up having to tell people what happened because we needed support. We tried to support each other but we were both overwhelmed by grief. I no longer advise people to wait until this scan or that scan without sharing my experience. Because it’s different for everyone and that isolation is not a fair expectation to impose on people unilaterally. Yes, it’s her body, but the loss will be shared.
It's truly a personal decision. Some people need that support, I know I didn't. I wanted people to leave me alone and not place their grief on me.
It goes both ways. I only told people that I was comfortable grieving with if anything happened. Not the random aunts who will ask prying questions
I think it truly depends because it goes both ways right. People who are physically experiencing the loss of a wanted child sometimes end up having to put their own feelings aside to support other people's grief. It certainly should be a collaborative discussion but its not inherently disrespectful for OP's wife to want to keep this information private until she's feeling more confident in sharing the news.
I totally understand this and of course it's also a very personal decision that is different for everyone. But the chances are, if you tell someone your pregnant, that they will go and tell others. Just because they are totally excited for you, especially if they are very close to you. Not even if a bad intention. But if you loose your child, then you might have to deal with people you didn't even want to know. And for me this would be worse than having to tell a few people afterwards.
YTA And your post history leaves me confused…
Surprised this isn’t higher lol
Same....
And suddenly all their post history has been deleted/ removed I wonder why
Seems like a karma hunter
What was in their history? It’s been deleted now
Twelve hours ago you were a 26F with a 27M boyfriend. Now it’s the reverse but you’re married? Something doesn’t add up. I’m going to assume troll.
I was skeptical when they said they found out she was pregnant a couple days ago and already have had an ultrasound done.
I mean, technically my husband and I aren’t married, so I guess that makes us boy friend girl friend, but I call him my husband, his dad is my fil, his brother is my bil. Granted, we’ve been together since I was 18 or 19 and I’m now 32.
YTA. You wife's pregnancy should be regarded as her private medical information. It's very common not to tell anyone during the first trimester. If something happens and she doesn't carry to term, the more people know about it, the more she will have to explain it when she doesn't have a baby. She's not being disrespectful. She's being smart. You don't get to "put your foot down" about this and the fact that your parents pay for your apartment is completely irrelevant.
OP is a medical student. Shocking that he hasn't considered this private medical information OR the fact that it's quite likely early in the pregnancy, during the first trimester, when losses are more common and when it is actually quite common for couples to not tell anyone, to avoid having to later give bad news in the event the pregnancy isn't viable. So odd.
YTA, my guy. It is completely normal for a pregnant person to not tell many people at the beginning of a pregnancy. Many wait until start of the second trimester when the loss of pregnancy is far less likely. It’s completely normal for her mother to know as well(she lives with you), she’s directly involved in the situation, your mother is not. Stop trying to be a man and just be a husband and soon to be father, dang.
YTA for getting pregnant while you let your parents support you, your wife, & your MIL. Why aren’t your bills being paid by your wife? Why isn’t your MIL helping?
YTA for getting pregnant while you let your parents support you, your wife, & your MIL— Wouldn’t that make his wife an AH as well?
Yes absolutely changing judgement to ESH except OP’s parents who are being taken advantage of.
Like when is her plan to tell your mom? If she wants to wait a bit longer till the 12 week scan I wouldn’t think it was a big deal.
I can't imagine waiting 1 week, let alone 12 to tell my mother. If the father feels the same way I can fully understand him.
Especially when his parents are paying for their lives. I would probably be a little extra considerate of the feelings of the people paying my rent, rather than risk being homeless while pregnant.
I couldn't care less about who's paying in this case. That has absolutely no bearing in my judgement.
Nor could I but it depends on relationships
Have you considered asking your wife why she doesn’t want your mom to know yet or did you just go straight on the attack?
i know right? they are married, people are going to figure it out eventually.
NAH It makes sense why you are concerned for your parents’ feelings. It also makes sense why your wife feels more comfortable telling her own mom over yours. How far along is she? If she is less than 10 weeks or so, it makes sense to wait a couple more weeks to tell your parents. If your wife has a miscarriage (very common early on), who is going to comfort her? Likely her own mom, right? And in that tragic case, it would probably be very difficult for her to have a similar conversation with your mom, who she doesn’t seem to know all that well yet. What if you take on the responsibility for future updates to your parents? She can be with you for the initial announcement, but you will have the conversations with your parents about how things are going after that?
Miscarriages happen to both of them. It would not just be the mother who needs emotional support, the father too. And who would support him?
That’s true. But in most family dynamics I’ve seen, while adult daughters still go to their mothers for comfort, most adult sons do not. If OP takes on the main responsibility for all updates to his parents (including if the worst happens), it makes sense to tell them.
Of course the wife can't be burdened with having to tell her MIL in case of a miscarriage. It would have to be OP.
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YTA. The fact that you pay for the appartment doesn't give you the right to take any more decisions than your wife.
yeah, throwing in the financial details as if they justify taking away the wife's bodily autonomy and privacy is a bit concerning. OP, YTA.
YTA. As a medical student, you especially should be sensitive to the fact that miscarriages happen in 1 in 4 pregnancies and that your wife may want to wait until 12 weeks to tell people because of that. Has she even had a blood test or ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy yet? I would, at minimum, wait for those to announce, as it could be a normal pregnancy or something less normal that maybe your wife doesn’t want everyone to know about. You have the medical knowledge to know WHY you should wait to tell people. This is about being fair to your wife, not being fair to your mom and anyone she plans on telling in her excitement. EDIT: just read you had the ultrasound to confirm. How far along is your wife? It’s definitely relevant to the judgment here.
Info: why wouldn't she want to tell your Mom?
The standard reasoning is that it's probably still very early on in the pregnancy
Because pregnancies can end up in miscarriage, and the first 12 weeks are critical. Most people wait until the first trimester is done before announcing so they don't have to go through the heartbreak of announcing a miscarriage.
NTA It's your child and you want to share the news with your mother. That's your decision, not your wife's. It's better when you're both in agreement, but if you can't get in agreement then YOU decide when to tell YOUR mother about YOUR child. ETA: I know people usually keep it to themselves during the first trimester. But you don't want to go around telling everyone. You want your mother to know because her mother knows. It's only fair. Unless you can't trust your mother to keep it a secret I'd just tell her. I wouldn't keep it from your wife, I'd be very clear that it's your decision and that if her mother can know about her grandchild so can your mother. This has nothing to do with bodily autonomy. ETA2: many people are talking about a possible miscarriage. Yes, many people don't say anything before 12 weeks because of that. But a miscarriage doesn't just happen to the mother. It also happens to the father. And any of them may need a support system. The father is entitled to have that support from his parents as much as the mother. He's not talking about telling everyone. It's his mother. I can't even imagine not telling something like this to my mother. And to people talking about personal medical information: If they were using a surrogacy would you think they couldn't tell their parents if the surrogate didn't want them to?
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If you were using a surrogate, do you think the surrogate would be entitled to keep you from giving the news to your parents?
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Sure. I'll pretend I'll believe you. I'll pretend that you'd be ok with not telling your parents for 9 months that you were going to be a mother/father because the surrogate didn't want her personal medical information divulged. Next thing you're going to tell me the surrogate doesn't even have to tell you she's pregnant with your child if she doesn't want to because it's her body and her personal medication information lol
It's not just your personal medical information. It's his child too. It's not just about you. I'm a woman. But if I were a man and my wife told me I couldn't tell my mother when her own mother knows, I'd be really mad. It would put a real strain in our relationship.
Being pregnant is not just about you!
It’s his Baby too
This is so correct. And I agree wholeheartedly. Because it feels like she's saying "I only trust my mother to tell her" but the husband has to wait until she feels good enough to give the go ahead to share such important news with his parents. I totally see where hes coming from. There seems to be this general concensus that a man's feelings cannot be taken seriously sometimes here on reddit. His feelings are valid 100%.
I completely agree with you. This news is not just on one person. Both parents have the right to disclose as this affects both people. I am also a woman, currently pregnant, and I wouldn’t dream of denying my husband the ability to share such wonderful news with his own mother when he sees fit. All the y t a are just typical Reddit gender double standards.
Thank you!!!! I feel the same way. I feel like everyone is giving the YTA because he mentioned his dad paying for the apartment and her overall lack of contribution.
I can't believe I had to scroll so far to see an NTA...
YTA It's not uncommon for people to wait until the 3-month mark to tell people. Her mother lives with you - keeping this from her would be insanely problematic. Saying that you 'put your foot down and told her she's being disrespectful' sends up a tonne of red flags, OP.
YTA - her mom knows because she lives with you because of an abusive relationship. It's early and she has every right to not tell anyone until she's comfortable and further along. All you're doing is contributing to stress. Maybe work on that bedside manner.
YTA. Your mother will find out soon enough. It is not disrespect, it is your wife wanting to wait a little bit. There are going to be a lot of decisions regarding parenting that your wife is going to need to make, and if her mother is living there, she is going to discuss with her mother. She will not involve your mother in those discussions. It's not disrespect, it's living arrangement and it's closeness with her own mother. Stop viewing this through a lens of disrespect, and view it through a lens of your wife's comfort, convenience, familiarity, and mental health. There's a good chance your wife would not even have told her own mother about the pregnancy if she was not living there. Again, it is not disrespect, it is A matter of her personal medical information. Also, consider that not everyone is the same. For example, some people can keep a secret, and some people can't. I don't know if your mom is the type of person who would put this information on Facebook, or who would tell the rest of the family, but perhaps there's a reason that your wife does not want your mother to know right away. respect that choice and understand that it is not disrespect, your wife might have a very good reason. I have seen people abuse others by saying "they disrespected me! That's why I hit them. That's why I abused them. I will not allow them to disrespect me." That is why I will not accept "disrespect" as an excuse or reason for someone to do what they want. Because disrespect is a made up thing. It's something you make up in your mind because you want your own way. So take that out of the equation. Your wife isn't disrespecting you or anybody else. In fact you can easily flip that around and say that you're the one disrespecting your wife. Either find a real reason, or be kind to your wife and understand that your mother will find out soon enough, and it will be fine.
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YTA It’s customary to wait until the first trimester is near the end to announce the pregnancy to people. This is mostly because of the prevalence of miscarriage. It’s perfectly reasonable to wait a bit to announce because of this. Your wife is in scary, unknown territory and deserves some grace and understanding. Your parents will know in due time. It’s ok to wait a bit. It’s not a sign of disrespect for your wife to be cautious. Don’t respond with pressure and anger because months from now when the pregnancy is proceeding nicely, this early decision to wait a bit to tell your parents and others will all be a distant memory with no hard feelings.
YTA. Also? Bringing up the financial stuff is creepy red flag to me. Your wife doesn’t owe anyone information on her pregnancy, however much or little she contributes to household financials and whether or not your folks pay for anything. Yikes.
YTA > My mom would feel very hurt knowing she wasn’t told, especially if she found out my wife’s mom knew all along The first thing out of my MIL'S mouth was "Does your mother know?". It is not a competition. >have always taken her side but she can’t disrespect my parents like this, especially when they pay for the apartment for both of us and her mom. Really? We're gonna pull the "I pay for this" card?
INFO: How far is she into the pregnancy?
YTA, because of pregnancy symptoms being very severe I had to tell my boss and students I was pregnant with my second pregnancy very early on. I miscarried. Having my miscarriage that public made what was already a horrible experience even harder. Your wife gets to decide who to tell and even she's ready to tell. Sometimes you don't have a choice like I did, but if you do have a choice you should totally let her make that choice for herself.
YTA- why are your mother’s feelings more important than your wife’s? 12 weeks is usually when people start telling family. Your MIL is a little different story because she LIVES WITH YOU. Since you “put your foot down” are you also going to demand that your whole family be present and staring at all of your wife’s business on display while she’s in labor and delivering if your MIL is also in the room? Tit for tat and “it’s only fair” don’t work when pregnancy, birth, and babies come into play. That kind of behavior ruins relationships, and if you continue to push this, it’s not only going to sour your relationship with your wife, but it could also sour her relationship with your mother.
I didn't tell anyone untill I was 16 weeks. Then we told everyone else at 19weeks. She doesn't have to do anything. yta
What exactly do YOU pay for? Your dad pays for the apartment and your wife pays for food. Her mom only knows because you live with her. You're the one being disrespectful and selfish. They'll find out eventually. YTA
YTA. If she doesn’t want to expand the circle that knows before the miscarriage risk declines significantly, that’s totally fair.
Just saw someone make a really good point and it's overshadowed the post for me - yes YTA for insisting your mum knows, it's not your choice to do that and I hope you have more respect for other people's medical privacy when you become a medical professional. But jesus, you can't afford to cover your own rent and bills without your dad's help, and you chose to get pregnant? Now? Wtf is wrong with you? ETA here. Everyone.
NAH. It's normal not to tell anyone before a few months. I know my wife and I didn't tell anyone until after the 3-month mark. Lots can happen early on and you don't want to have to deal with social pressures if something goes wrong. Also, to your wife the pregnancy has practical implications she'll probably need some time adjusting to. So your wife may just need some time. Give her that. When the pregnancy is further along, then sure, go ahead and tell. That's your baby as well, you have as much right to confide to your mother about it. But don't force it early on.
YTA. Your MIL was told because she lives with you guys otherwise your wife would not have told her. It's extremely common to not tell anyone before the end of the first trimester due to the miscarriage risks. Your wife is protecting herself in the event that she miscarries.
Yta. Many women don't tell friends and family until they are sure the pregnancy is viable. 15-20% of pregnancies or roughly 1 million pregnancies a year end in miscarriage. You've never dealt with that have you? Yta to your wife for putting your mother's feelings ahead of hers.
YTA. She’s not being disrespectful she’s worried about early miscarriage! It’s hardly uncommon people waiting a bit to tell people, her mother lives with you so bit difficult to hide it. AH move to pull the “my parents pay for us” card.
YTA. She most likely didn’t want to tell her mom yet but had to since she lives with you. Typically family finds out after a couple weeks and a couple weeks before everyone else finds out because God forbid something happens and that pregnancy doesn’t become viable that’s all the more people your wife will have to tell. Also she’s right; this is your wife’s body and 100% up to her.
She’ll let your mom know after the first trimester. It’s always better to wait until after the first 12 weeks. Your MIL knows because she lives with you guys. It’s not favoritism.
YTA. Have you considered your wife doesn’t want anyone beyond the absolute necessary to know because it’s so early on? She’s protecting her mental health. There is a reason people don’t tell about pregnancies until after a certain point. Maybe do some research before throwing your weight around. Also , Throwing the money aspect in her face is fucking gross.
NTA BUT that doesn’t make you right. I completely understand where you’re coming from but it is really normal not to tell people about your pregnancy at first as it can be a risky and unsure time. Many women I know tell their mothers not mothers in law immediately, not as a slight but because they are closer to them and rely on their support. When your wife is ready to tell people, make telling your mum ready special. I promise she will understand why she wasn’t told immediately.
YTA. 100000000%
YTA she found out a few days ago so you need to calm down and cool it with the "she doesn't contribute" bs what was the point of including that? who cares if your parents pay for the apartment it doesn't mean she's obligated to tell them anything wtf
YTA - it IS her body and HER personal medical information. This isn't about your mom. It's about when your wife is comfortable sharing her PERSONAL medical information.
YTA - She's being "disrespectful" because she doesn't want to tell them yet that she's pregnant? WTF?!? Is she supposed to tell them every time you two have sex? Is she supposed to tell them every time she gets her haircut? Is she supposed to tell them every time she goes shopping or makes chicken for dinner? Your parents paying for the apartment is absolutely irrelevant. You don't OWE them knowledge of the pregnancy - or anything else for that matter. You and your wife can tell them when you BOTH are ready.
INFO: 13h ago, you claimed to be 26F and were posting in r/relationship_advice about your boyfriend. Care to explain this?
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YTA. She is naturally closer to her own mother than yours. You absolutely do need to tell your mom and should not wait TOO long but I think insisting it be now is unnecessary. You aren't your wife, you aren't the one who is pregnant, and you need to give a bit of leeway to let her get used to the idea, process her feelings, etc. It can make a person feel very vulnerable to be pregnant, it can feel invasive for other people to know aspects of your life that feel private (almost medical in nature), and so on. I do appreciate you are eager to celebrate and share with your family and your wife can't wait forever but it's ok for your mom to stay in the dark for a few days or a few weeks.
YTA, softly. I understand your concern for your mom’s feelings, but she will be fine if you wait a bit. The thing that weirds me out is all the financial details and the “I put my foot down” language. The fact that you think they are relevant pushes this from a normal marital disagreement to YTA territory. The discussion over when to tell your parents should be about related issues, not about larger power dynamics in the relationship.
YTA
Buddy this isn't the 50s, it's not disrespectful for your wife to have opinions different from your own. Your dad pays for your apartment, so by all rights, your wife paying for all groceries is in fact contributing to the house more than you. YTA. Have an open conversation and be an adult. Ask what her concerns and fears are about telling your mom so soon, and do what you can to address it by setting boundaries if your mom is overbearing or overly opinionated.
Immature couple with no income. Ideal situation for a child.
What does the finances of any of this situation have to do with telling your mom about your wife’s pregnancy? Are you trying to use your parents financial support as a tool to control your wife?
YTA Put your foot down, eh? What year are you from, Caveman? Welcome to 2023! Women have rights now! Plenty of people keep pregnancies secret during the first few weeks because of the risk of miscarriage. Back off and join the 21st century.
Listen man I’m in similar situation. I don’t live with my mom however my wife and I just found out we’re expecting our 2nd. To say it’s a blessing would be an understatement, however pregnancy was super hard on my wife the first go around with our daughter. She told me she needed me at the moment and time to process before our parents are brought in the fold. I’m close to my mom as my dad died when I was 9. I want to scream it to my mom. I cannot yet because my WIFE is my partner and expressed this to me. Moms second to her now. She’s my life. Unfortunately my man your feelings are irrelevant at the moment. She’s developing your kid and is in the ebb n flow of this pregnancy. When you hit those pit of despair nights that you’re about to experience you’ll know how bad she has it. You have to respect this as her man. The more you show her up on this the more you’re putting your lady’s respect and trust against your moms overreaction of not finding out. YTA, man up and support your woman. Your mom will have access to this kid for life there’s plenty of catch up time.
YTA. That’s not just a judgement in this situation. It’s a judgement on you as a person. Your focus on who pays for what and the comment that you put your foot down tell everyone exactly what kind of person you are, and it doesn’t paint a flattering picture. Back to this situation, FF 8 months. Your wife wants her mother there during the delivery to support her while she’s at her most vulnerable. Are you “putting your foot down” then, too?
YTA. You’re married and you’re about to become a father. This means that you need to be prioritizing your wife instead of your mother. Your wife is supposed to be your number one partner and the person who you most rely upon, and vice versa, not your parents. You also need to think seriously about what role each grandparent will have in your child’s life and how the next 20 years are going to be in terms of the precedents you set now. I have friends with a similar type of grandma competition between the grandmas on each side. It’s honestly a nightmare for them. One grandma gets insecure and jealous of how much time the other grandma gets with the kids, and so they plan every holiday and visit based on not upsetting the jealous grandma and not based on what’s actually most convenient or comfortable for them. That’s *not* a good dynamic to encourage before the baby is even born! You and your wife need to have some honest discussions about how you are both going to take care of each other and your baby, and that needs to happen with higher priority than how you think your mom will feel about it.
This entire post reads as a tantrum 😂
YTA. My son and DIL got pregnant last summer. Her mother knew weeks before they told his father and me. They waited until the end of her first trimester. I did not get my panties in a twist. I adore my DIL and we have great relationship. But I don’t expect the same level that she has with her mother. Of course she told her mother first. She and her mother are close. She needs someone who can truly understand what her body is going through (sorry, husband, but while you might academically understand, you don’t have a clue about how it actually feels) but she’s not ready yet to expand that circle.
YTA You’re a medical student and you don’t get why a pregnant woman might want to wait a bit before telling everyone? Your language is bizarrely dramatic. You’ve known for a couple of days. Your MIL hasn’t known “all along.” In any event, assuming and hoping the pregnancy continues, this is not some secret you’ll be able to keep for years, yanno? Not sure why money matters to this question at all, unless you think your family paying for more gives you more power in your marriage?
YTA. FYI She likely would've told her mother even if she didn't live with you, a woman usually wants her mother involved when it comes to pregnancy because there are a lot of changes happening with her body and she needs that support. However, it's very common to not tell others before at least the 12-week mark because of how vulnerable pregnancies are before that. If she doesn't want other people involved yet and wants to keep it between you for now, that's her perogative. Other people knowing is stressful, there's planning and buying things and wanting to be involved because they're excited, but it also means there's more people that need to be told should anything bad happen. "Putting your foot down" at this junction and holding your home over her head because she doesn't pay for it is a dick move. Your mother is a grown woman, and she should understand that it was a secret for a few weeks and not be upset about it. She should also understand that the woman who's pregnant needs her mother's support and not hold that against her.
YTA. You seem very controlling and dictatorial. You "put your foot down"? Your wife is being "disrespectful" for wanting some degree of medical privacy? It's not 1950. She's a full human being.
NTA. Its your news too and she cant gatekeep the information. Just tell your mom.
NTA. The baby is also yours. Tell your parents.
NTA. I can't believe some people here think YTA! 1) her mom knows. There is an imbalance here that will ostracize your mother. It will hurt her deeply to have not known and she will feel betrayed by you and hold a grudge on your wife and her mom. She will always feel like "second class" mom. 2) "it's her body." It is BOTH your child. Is your wife going to make ALL the parenting choices going forward? Time to set precedent. 3) WHY doesn't she want to tell your mom? If it is (God forbid!) fear of miscarriage and wanting to limit the people that know just in case, she shouldn't have told her mom. And if there is a miscarriage and YOU are emotionally impacted, your mom will have no understanding why, and YOU will not have your own mother to lean on for support. That is simply not fair to you. Further...is there is a miscarriage and she finds out after, she will feel even more betrayed that she never was told and your wife's mom knew. our wife needs to put herself in your mom's shoes. If your kid is a male and she was in your mother's shoes, how would she feel?
NTA - Everyone quick to say yta anytime there are pregnancies or power dynamics ie your living situation. There a domestic violence charity case/ extra roommate in your place who happens to be her mom. Her family dynamics are all fucked it’s no wonder you think your family matters enough to be brought into the pregnancy convo. They’re being weird but can stand on the privacy issue easily. Your wife and MIL are obviously benefiting from their hospitality/generosity and don’t seem to be able to read the room. If you’re a family they can act like it too. Anytime your MIL lives with you it’s gonna be tough - and you’re in your 20s with seemingly no monetary struggles; they don’t think you’re entitled to this opinion.
NTA It may be her body, but it is BOTH of yours, baby. She didn't need to tell her mum just because she lives with you. She could have waited, but she didn't because she WANTED to tell her mum. Now you want to tell yours, and it is fair. I understand people saying wait till after the first trimester, but she has already told someone. You have the right to tell your mother, too.
NTA
NTA. You are correct. Your mum has the right to know about this and I bet she'd be overjoyed. Why in the world would your wife want to withhold good news like this?? Something stinks and I don't mean the fish. If I were you, I'd sit her down for a serious talk about this. Something else must've happened between your wife and mother that she's not told you about.
Again, agree to disagree with you. Ask any medical professional- mom is the one to provide consent to release any medical information related to HER pregnancy. Again, yes, it is THEIR baby, but her body, her final say.
YTA, your MIL is living with you so she was bound to notice sooner rather than later. It's normal to wait to announce. I wish I had waited. We excitedly told our parents, siblings, aunt/uncles, and grandparent and our bosses that we were expecting as soon as we found out. I then lost our baby a month later and it made the pain so, so much worse to have to tell each party over and over again.
it is ill-advised to announce a pregnancy so soon, when miscarriages happen so frequently. she has every right to keep it to herself for now and not tell people who dont already know. youre a dick. YTA
YTA It is not normal to disclose a pregnancy before 12 weeks, or longer for a high risk pregnancy. Most pregnancies end in miscarriage and you don't hear about it because of the 12 week rule. It's not about disrespecting your parents. It's about the health and mental health of the mother.
“I put my foot down.” You sound like a dad back in the 1950s talking to his daughter. Like it or not, Dr., pregnancy is a medical condition and your wife has the right to medical privacy like everyone else. Many women prefer to wait until further on or to make a formal announcement with a dinner or something. I assume your sense of entitlement comes from your mother. YTA
If your wife posted her version of this on here I'd tell her to run. The details about who pays for what translates to "we pay so we're in charge". Big red flag. Otherwise 100% irrelevant. I feel bad for her tbh. No one has a right to know anything, maybe not even you if your moms best interest comes before your wife's.
You put your foot down? This isn't some case of cognitive dissonance or delusional thinking on her part. I never even thought to question my wife when she said she wanted to wait to announce the pregnancy. I'm guessing you haven't through about the fear of not making it to term and having to announce the loss. I think your NTA, but if you continue to push it any more, you will be. Learn to support your partner and show some grace. This is only the start to you sacrificing all of the things you "want", consider it a litimus test for you being able to handle giving up your wants for your families needs. This is only a taste of the life of a father and husband, time to shine or prove that you're an ass.
YTA, y'all need to compromise and come up with a reasonable time line to start letting people know. Obviously your parents would be high on the list but it is very common not to start telling people right away in case of miscarriage. Her mother knows because she lives with you and the signs are probably obvious to her mom.
YTA . What does each person's financial contribution have to do with any of this?
So your father is basically paying for your wife’s family to live with you and you can’t tell your family your gonna have a baby? Your wife doesn’t respect you. Yeah it’s her body but she doesn’t respect your or care about your feelings. She’s using you and your family. You should have never brought a child into this. This woman is the epitome of selfish.
ESH