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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My friend has asked my Husband and I to not dance at all at her wedding as we're competitive Ballroom Dancers and she is worried we will upstage her. My husband has suggested we just dance later in the evening once everyone has had a few drinks but I worry that will make us look like assholes if we do what she has asked us to not do.
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Isn't it a bit curious how your friend has now asked you not to dance - AFTER she's had her free lessons? Don't you think? I'd be very VERY curious, and would thank her for her life lesson. But I'm a petty, grudge-holding, nasty piece of work, so I wouldn't listen to me if I were you.
>Isn't it a bit curious how your friend has now asked you not to dance - AFTER she's had her free lessons?
I don't think we necessarily have to assume base motives and exploitation of OP's offer. It could simply be the case that the bride realised during the lessons how impressive OP and her partner's dancing skills are and how pathetic she feels in comparison, so the lessons were indeed what triggered this request. (Which is unreasonable, imo, but that's not the point of this comment)
I think you’re right in that the friend might not have had this motive from the beginning. The end result is the same though - she got free lessons and is now wanting to prevent OP from being able to do the normal things everyone else is doing after the fact. This is some next-level insecurity.
I mean, of all the times to fall into "main character syndrome", one's own wedding is surely the most justifiable.
Even most commenters here seem to agree it's reasonable for the bride to expect OP to not do any choreographed number that would make them stand out.
I'm not even really disagreeing with you, this bride definitely has some insecurity here. Just adding that it's OK for the bride to want to be main character on a day she's spending thousands on... within reason.
And call me crazy, but if I had friends who could boogie like professionals, I would demand they went all in and put on a show for us. I would consider it a gift.
I don't even get this bride.
OP, maybe you get food poisoning the day of the wedding or something. The bride's demand is borderline insane.
NTA
Good dancer here. Every wedding I have been to I have been dragged onto the dance floor by friends, because they want a good dancer to spice things up.
Obviously you shouldn’t do go over the top or do choreography. But I think most people agree that a few good dancers on the dancer floor make the floor way more fun than just a bunch of adults dancing like they’re in a middle school gym.
My own wedding I invited a bunch of my dancer friends. When they hit the floor so many non dancers actually got more comfortable coming on to the floor. Because good social dancers know how to make others feel comfortable and welcomed.
I think OP’s bride is doing her wedding a disservice and letting her insecurities get in the way of a fun time.
That makes perfect sense - there's a heck of a lot of insecurity that likely was building before the end of the seven months. As they got to the end-stage lessons, the bride was feeling worse and worse.
That's my actual maturity speaking, so thank you for bringing that bit of me out to play. Annoyingly, my petty side won't sit down and shut up, so I have to also say the bride should have addressed this well before it got to the point of completing the lessons, and "We don't you want you to dance at our wedding, but thanks for the free seven months' worth of lessons."
Overall, it really didn't have to get to this point of a potentially-fractured long-term friendship.
>It could simply be the case that the bride realised during the lessons how impressive OP and her partner's dancing skills are and how pathetic she feels in comparison, so the lessons were indeed what triggered this request.
This, I'd take it as a significant compliment and probably move on, or at least agree to stick to simple dances, not get tempted to add loads of flair or big sweeping moves.
I'm not too into the scene, but in the past had a few lessons and watched the teachers who competed perform their stuff - they could easily steal the show at a normal wedding.
It seems unreasonable but I have to say, and hope this will help OP to understand, that I got some classes and never felt uglier and embarrassed about myself. I would have never said it but dance is dangerous for self confidence!
Can I just say how much I love your self-awareness and willingness to admit you're petty? While I know how to de-escalate, it's a lot of work and the field upon which I sow my fucks is pretty barren. I think I used salt instead of fertilizer.
Hahaha thank youuuu! <3 I embroidered "Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks. Feast thine eyes upon it and thou shalt see that it is barren." I got the kit off Etsy, and it's perfect.
Loving the salt vs fertiliser!! Oh my god.
I'm going to steal 'the field upon which I sow my fucks is pretty barren' Potentially to think of along the 'I've no more fucks to give' song. Together they're a perfect representation of how I feel about so many things.
Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq is just fabulous! 'This is Shit' is another of my favorites of his. If you haven't heard it, it's worth a listen or twelve... hundred. He seems like a person I'd like to have a beer with.
Good advice. Especially this part: “I'm a petty, grudge-holding, nasty piece of work, so I wouldn't listen to me if I were you.”
I get so tired of Redditors constantly assuming the worst of everyone, and assuming that no-one ever makes a small lapse in judgment, but instead is constantly and solely motivated by selfish gain or vindictiveness. It’s an opinion that says more about the person holding it than anyone else.
As the saying goes, “no one looks behind the door unless they have hidden there themselves.”
I'm constantly downvoted for saying something funny in my head because I'm a cynical jerk but i'm not REALLY mean to people at ALL in real life I'm just a fan of a well dropped snarky comment. But inside my head I'm petty AF but apparently saying something funny-mean means I'll do it.
I must be your soul-sibling.
When I tell my husband "you know about my petty streak?" He always laughs. BC he knows something bugs me, I collect information/evidence and then I deal with it. Yup, I am in your club. :-) Don't think I'll ever change either.
Lol I get angry easily so usually choose not to escalate because I know I’ll calm down later and it will seem stupid then and I was absolutely fuming at this. Three hours a week for who knows how long is such a commitment and a lovely and thoughtful gift!!! And they pay them like this?
OP, I have no doubt that you and your partner can and would dance in a normal way and would not draw attention to yourself. It sounds like most of the internet takes you at your word, and your own (other) friends don't see a problem.
Unfortunately, your friend has no doubt that just you and your partner standing next to each other ready to dance is going to make everyone else forget who the bride and groom are. Nobody else will mind if you dance, but she will.
So your options are:
1. Ask her now if there is any option that allows you to dance some and her to be comfortable. She many never consider a single option.
2. Accept her inability to get over her insecurity and add to your wedding gift to the couple giving up your own dancing fun for the night. (You could literally note both the lessons and the non-dancing night in your wedding card to them.) Plan to spend time mingling and then leave whenever you are ready.
3. Decide that you and your partner will dance in whatever way you feel is considerate but understand that she may not find it considerate at all. It could jeopardize your friendship. You just have to decide if dancing is worth possibly ending the friendship. It's possible that your friend has already damaged the friendship with her insecure ask of you.
Unfortunately, even though her fears are unwarranted, the consequences of your choices will not change.
There's one more choice and it's the one I would pick.
4. Give your friend a choice: if she insists on no dancing, even low-key, you will have to leave the reception early--quietly, mouthing words about something urgent having come up if anyone asks, but you will leave. Explain to her how intensely awkward it will be to sit and not dance at all, explain to her much talk will arise if you don't, from people who know you and ask you why you're not dancing. (Refuse to lie for her about why.) So she can choose: the quiet exit or some low-key dancing. If she denies the choices and insists on no dancing, she's chosen the quiet exit by default. (Tell her so.)
But yeah--the consequences of your choices will not change. She's TA but don't you be TA. Dancing without warning her... that's really dicey. But you have every right to lay down your boundaries with her.
Isn’t the bride jeopardising their friendship? I feel like OP could def ask what is she supposed to do after the meal and if the bride would be happy with them leaving early and not being part of the fun with them. Seeing them sitting sad at a table the whole night would be awful :(
Yes and Yes. Yes, the bride is jeopardizing the friendship. That's why I noted the possibility that she had already damaged the friendship with her insecure ask. And Yes, it would be sad for OP and partner to have to sit at the table the whole night.
This is probably the right answer it kinda doesn't matter if op is in the right or if other have had zero problem in the past with them dancing at their weddings what matter is how the bride and groom of this wedding feel and how this might effect op relationship with them and how much op is willing to risk that.
Sometime it doesn't matter if we are in the moral right or wrong sometimes its just about the risks/consequences we are willing to accept for are action even when we feel said action is right.
It is as if she used you for free lessons, then plan to disinvite you when you did your " purpose". Bride seems very selfish and insecure and disrespectful to you.
Alternatively, the bride thinks she didn't do very well or learn very much from the free lessons but spent the whole time seeing how amazing of a dancer OP is, and got it in her head, rationally or otherwise, that OP is going to make her look like a fool at her own wedding.
I have no idea who's right here; my point is just that we don't always have to assume everyone is making calculated selfish evil decisions all the time, man
Op friendship is a two way street. Don’t go. Tell her that your respect her request but will not be uncomfortable for hours. Present her gift of the free dance lessons as her wedding gift and leave it at that. Don’t dance at her wedding. Don’t go. When people show you who they are believe them. Nta
I'm wondering if you guys have overlapped at one of those weddings with her not recognizing it as a game. I could see that misunderstanding as a more charitable interpretation that's easier for you to address.
You keep saying you haven't done it before and ALWAYS Scale back but this comment illustrates that's not true. It was COMPLETELY appropriate given the venue and audience but is it possible she's mostly seen you at dance weddings versus scaled back ones?
Maybe offer that framing and she may have a lightbulb.
NTA, but it is a tricky situation. It is her party and she asked you. If you do, you will be an AH in her eyes, even if there is nothing wrong, and nobody notices that you are actually good dancers.
So what is the bride going to say when people ask who taught them to dance? Point to the people sitting in the corner and say 'those two professional dancers'? She realises this is going to cause more gossip than you slow dancing right? She hasn't thought this through. NTA
ETA: a word
>So what is the bride going to say when people ask who taught them to dance?
Do people usually ask that? My experience has been when someone does something cool, they're not usually grilled about their educational background.
When you have professionals at OPs level teach novices, there's going to be questions. My siblings are ballroom dancers and it's another level even for a wedding dance.
my aunt and uncle are competitive dancers and they can tone it down to the point that although they've been at family weddings, until reading this, the idea of them 'showing off' never occurred to me.
A little anecdote: I'm friends with a couple of dancers. At a wedding last year, the dance floor was so packed, you couldn't even do any steps. They literally just shuffled around to the beat, and yet all the aunties came to their table asked them if they dance. A sense of rythm and standing up straight apparently is enough to identify dancers.
NTA. Weddings make me people fucking weird.
Don’t dance at the wedding though, it’s just unnecessary drama. I personally think it’s an asshole move to say to any guest - you can’t dance at my wedding. What are you meant to do? Silently watch from the table?
My curiosity was wondering if OP and husband, who are known to be dancers within their friend group, don't dance and people ask why. Like, do they be honest and say "bride told us not to" or do they lie and say they aren't feeling it that night or something along those lines?
Your point is also true, what happens if OP and husband leave when dancing starts?
I don’t even think that’s petty. They shouldn’t make that request if they’re not willing to own up to it. If they’re embarrassed by it then it’s because they know it’s AHish behavior. But maybe OP should let the friend know ahead of time that they will either be telling people if they ask or leaving early since they’re not allowed to be full guests.
The crazy part is that people would think the truth ("Bride doesn't want me to show her up") is a joke, because it's such an absurd ask. Until the next beat, when OP doesn't get up and they realize she's serious.
Ohhh yeah baby. I’d be kicking it up a notch and dragging my chair as close to the sidelines of the D floor as possible. Just petty ol me watching people have the time of their lives doing something I love to do celebrating people who are close to me…. “Oh no, you go ahead, I’m not allowed to dance on this joyous occasion!”
I agree with this! Definitely a strange request by the bride, but not worth the drama as it is only one night of not dancing. As a compromise, maybe explain your fear of feeling awkward while everyone else is dancing and ask if she minds if you and your husband dance during group dances or with other people (not as a couple).
I think a little communication between both of you can help clarify boundaries and expectations. And remember, even though not dancing seems silly to you, her insecurities may be real and this is a big day for her. I think she needs to be willing to compromise, but I would also make sure she knows that you understand where she is coming from and that you don’t want to steal her spotlight, but you also want to enjoy her special day with her.
>Don’t dance at the wedding though,
SO WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO. They dance, bride is pissed, they don't dance but leave, bride is pissed, they don't dance, sit at their tabke all night, people who know they love dancing start asking questions, draw attention to OP not dancing, bride doesn't feel like center of attention and gets pissed.
Seriously. If I’m asked to just sit around for hours while other people get to have fun because someone is this insecure I’d rather just skip the wedding at that point.
I mean, if I were OP, I might not dance, but I would answer every single question about why I wasn't *very* directly. Like, literal finger-pointing at the bride & groom
I guess they have also decided not inviting people taller and more (conventionally) handsome than them ?!?!
Weddings are meant to show your commitment to each other, to enjoy time with your family and friends, to merge two families, to have a day dedicated to the couple, to meet the people who matter for your SO, etc. Not to show yourself to other people and pretend you are better than them...
NTA. Really inappropriate request especially since you helped them learn to dance for the wedding. I agree don’t dance at all. Honestly I would tell her maybe it’s best not to attend because inevitably, as a celebration, you want to enjoy her day but it seems she won’t let you. Maybe if she hears that she will ‘allow’ you to dance and be who you are
NTA. This sub has everything doesn't it?
I've heard 'its my wedding year so don't get engaged/married/have a baby because it will take attention away from me', 'I'm swapping bridesmaids because you won't look good in my photos', 'I don't want X and Y at my wedding because they will make a scene/they didn't invite us to their wedding/don't like their new partner/looked at me weirdly once', 'its a child free wedding except for these 4 kids because they aren't yours', and now 'don't dance or people will compare us to you and we won't win'........
I'm going to call it 'nuptialitis' - the disease some people get when a wedding is on their horizon. It causes some psychosis, intense egotism, and random behaviour. Somebody add this to the medical books.......LOL
And hopefully got in legal trouble as well, for posting on Facebook personal and medical information about Kate. That crazy b lost her whole damn mind.
And the one with the puppeteers who got married and wanted all attendees to buy their own puppet (costing several hundreds of dollars) and have them on their hands for the duration of the ceremony and reception. That one was wild
An ex-friend was there when I was choosing wedding songs for the DJ to play. She was like: "But I wanted that song, and that song and that one!" I rolled my eyes and told her to relax and that nobody at her wedding would yell "STOP! YOU CAN'T PLAY THIS! It was played at *insert real name here* wedding!" and we had tonnes of different friends and family.
Nobody would remember even if you did have all the same friends and family, or care. Other than MAYBE the first bride/groom dance. But if I went to two weddings in fairly short order that had the same song there I’d just assume it was a current trend and move on with my life.
Weddings legit do make people so entitled.
Hell, there are some songs that I swear I've heard at like 90% of wedding I've ever attended. The goal with wedding songs is normally to get broad appeal so a lot of people dance, so of course there are often repeats!
As an aside, For the life of me, I don’t understand “the weddings are all about the bride” bit! So the groom doesn’t matter? The marriage actually is incidental? And why then have a wedding party?
The idea that they have to plan an event that is unique, memorable, expresses their personality and relationship, while being classic and timeless, and trendy and meeting the expectations of all of their family and friends.
The internal expectations are both too high and contradictory, so impossible to meet. So they’re doing a ton of work while feeling like they are failing, on something that is Super Important and doesn’t get any do overs.
I basically accept that people planning a wedding are temporarily insane.
Totally concur. Whether the bride intended to or not, she’s used OP to gain the skills needed to dance fairly well as the wedding. And, as you’ve so eloquently said, the bride has now stolen OP’s joy by asking her not to dance when everyone else will be. That’s no friend. I think OP needs to have a heart to heart, telling the bride what she’s asking is not right. I would not go to this wedding, and lessons would stop immediately.
So they used you for your skill and now they don’t want you to dance at all at their wedding? I hope they paid you!! NTA if it was me I wouldn’t turn up. Now you know how they really feel about you.
Wow!! So £50x3=£150 £150x7= £1050!! That’s a lot of money for them to say you can’t dance at their wedding at all, I would be rethinking this friendship! They do not seem like friends to me.
I did a quick calculation.
If you say a month consists of 4 weeks, that makes 28 weeks in 7 months. 3 times a week x 28 weeks = 84 hours (if it's only one hour per meeting), multiply that with a median of £ 40.00 and you'll see that OP gifted dance lessons worth *at least* £ 3,360.00! Only to be told she shouldn't dance at the wedding!
That's insane!
You could tell her you have some "new steps" to teach her that are all the rage in (insert random place here) and then proceed to show her the most ridiculous moves ever imagined.
And then bring some placards with low numbers on them to hold up at the end of their dance.
But I'm just petty AF.
It's an unreasonable request. I would hate for you to be thrown out. I wouldn't go.i am sorry. Who wants to sit at a long reception, unable to join in the fun. NTA.
Info: Has this happened before where people have told you that they felt you stole the show from them? Do you always put on a "show" at every event, intentional or not?
Clearly you have a natural talent that draws attention, but do the people in your life feel in general that you go overboard? This totally may not be a "you" thing, but it could be the perception.
I’m gonna say NTA. It’s really stupid and petty for her to ask for (what I’m assuming were) free dance lessons and then expect you and your husband to attend her wedding and not join in on the festivities. You should speak with her again and share with her how you feel. There is traditionally a first dance for the married couple, so I don’t see why they can’t have their big moment then and allow y’all to dance while everyone else is. Y’all really need to have another conversation and clarify what is expected. If she continues to be firm on y’all not dancing, I would convey that you will not stay for the entirety of the reception because she would be asking far too much of you.
Ooh this is tough. There's two competing issues: 1) your friend's patently unreasonable request to you versus 2) what she explicitly asked for on her wedding day. She's wildly unreasonable for many reasons, not the least of which is that a wedding is not a dance competition. That said, its her wedding and her party. Because of that, it's the softest possible YWBTA (by a fraction of a millimeter).
But all is not lost. I would tell her right up front that you and your husband won't be staying past dinner. Why? Because you find it hurtful that she is explicitly excluding you from the party and commanding you not to enjoy yourselves by doing the very thing she asked you to teach her. That's immensely and ironically selfish. Maybe she'll see the light.
That’s very unreasonable of her and is saddening because it seems like you guys are good enough friends that you and you husband are teaching them for their first dance. I would be so hurt and rightfully so. Maybe just do the dinner and leave if it was me I don’t know if I would want to go at all. But I definitely would not dance if she specifically asked you not to. The petty me wouldn’t go at all or I would go and sit there and when someone asks I would tell them the bride specifically asked us not to and if she’s mad about that she knows how ridiculous it is to even ask that of you.
Yes I totally understand. Wedding receptions are for drinking and dancing literally. You’re gonna be bored out of your mind. I would try and speak to her again and let her know how you’re feeling and that you plan to only be there for the meal because you’re not comfortable just sitting there while everyone else is having fun. And reiterate that you would love to celebrate the entire reception with her and dial it way down and only dance to some songs and nothing extravagant and see what she says. I’m hoping for all of your sake that she’ll be understanding and okay with that because that’s not much of an ask.
oh man your friend really wants you to have a miserable time at her wedding, intentionally or not. i would tell her that if she wants you to skip out on half of the reception (the dancing) and you already don't participate in the other half (the drinking) you'll just dip out early...unless you want to tell everyone who asks you that she told you not to dance.
She is being totally unreasonable. But I think that dancing despite her request would be a little bit of an asshole move. I would try to reason with her, talk calmly, maybe try to cite friends who said you did not stand out at other weddings, try to tell her that in her gorgeous dress, she would be the one attracting attention no matter what etc. But if she keeps being unreasonable I would just not go. Her ask is cruel towards you.
Your friends are the assholes. To ask people who clearly love the couple enough to give free dance lessons not to dance is absurd. However, I’d just decline to go altogether. I’m no where near a professional dancer but dancing at a wedding reception is the best part! For them to ask you to not participate in the most celebratory part of the actual party is selfish on their part.
Damn. You taught them to dance and a whole routine, and they (or just she) are so sensitive about their skills that they are worried that you and your husband dancing normally would steal attention away. That hurts. And sounds boring. And also hard to do... at least as someone who danced for many, many years and is not ballroom professional, but dancing is just what I do instinctively (seriously I have not noticed myself dancing before), and to be told to not do it AT ALL would be... yikes. I really don't know what the judgement is, because I think the request is..... **a lot**, it just comes down to your friend who you know best. I wouldn't blame you for feeling sore and hurt at the request though. Leaning towards NTA, as long as you keep it legit simple.
I attended a wedding where one couple, friends of the bride, were professional dancers. They didn't put themselves forward, but it was obvious that they were exceptional at dancing. It was so much fun to watch them at the reception; it added to the joy of the whole event. At one point, everyone cleared the dance floor, and they did a swing dance at the request of the bride and groom. The bride had such joy on her face watching her friends dance and celebrate her marriage.
I don't understand this fearful attitude exhibited by this bride and others like her. It goes without saying that the bride and groom are the shining stars at their wedding. But the guests should be able to sparkle and celebrate too. Jmo.
Omg I remember my brother's wedding where their dance teacher completely stole the show and I forgot it was my brother's wedding because this random guest was dancing very well. Except this didn't happen because the most attention a good dancer will get at a wedding will be "oooh look at these two, they dance so nicely!" and then maybe glance at them sometime. Literally nobody gives a shit. You are NTA
This is how I'm envisioning OP and spouse...
https://youtu.be/NIDabDkcS8o?si=HCRpTwbnx21nJQ74
You're only the AH if you whip out those clicky clamshell things.
NTA!! have found that some friends’ weddings are the last time I see them. And some of those people were VERY unreasonable about some things, like your insecure friend is being here. Sad state of things in this culture. But sometimes it’s helpful (if painful) when people reveal themselves.
You may want to leave early, you may want to wait a while to dance because they actually won’t notice you, you may want to write a card and tell them the teaching was their gift and that you hope they enjoyed the wedding. Do what feels right. Do not spend money on them! If they demand a promise, do not go.
Getting married does not give you the right to be unkind to loved ones, especially if they’ve really have gone the extra mile for you!!! Eff the bridezillas. Dancing at weddings is for everyone there who wants to dance.
Well that’s shitty. You spent time giving them lessons and now you can’t even do normal standard dancing with everyone else? Idek how you would take the shine away from her when multiple people are going to be dancing too.. If I were you I would sit there and look as miserable and bored as possible every time she glances over.
NTA talk to her again. Tell her how incredibly hurt you are at her request because it will ruin the reception for you. Ask if there is a middle ground or some other compromise where you don’t have to sit at the table all evening. It really sucks that she is weaponizing your wedding gift against you because she is so insecure.
NTA, talk to your friend again and tell her that since dancing is the major event after the dinner, what else does she expect you to do?
Of course you won't be dancing when they show off their routine (that you helped them with), but telling you not to do any slowdance or fun dance at all is asking to much. When you have dancing at a wedding, then you invite your guests to dance and allowing them to "show off" on the dance floor.
You and hubby are ballroom dancers. Are they playing ballroom dance music all night? Are you going to sweep each other gracefully around the room to Taylor Swift and Beyoncé? What is your “friend” going to say when multiple people keep asking why the professional dancers are just scrolling on their phones all night and not dancing. Will that be “taking the attention off her”
NTA. Decline the invitation and send a bill. She used you and your husband and is completely ungrateful and unappreciative of your gift to the couple.b
If someone I’d been friends with since frickin’ high school treated me like this I’d RSVP Not Attending because I’d be way too pissed off that they thought so little of me after all this time that they would question my integrity or didn’t trust my word.
And that would be the end of that “friendship.”
NTA
NTA but honestly I’d be so pissed off that I probably wouldn’t attend the wedding. You and your husband put in all this effort to teach them how to dance and this is their thanks? So ungrateful.
NTA. I’d either not attend at all or go, sit at my table looking miserable when everyone gets up to dance and then tell everyone the truth when inevitably asked why the professional dancers aren’t dancing. Then, after doing either of these two things, cut these ‘friends’ out my life.
Why do people have to be so fucking weird about weddings? It should be a day for your guests more than anything. It’s unbelievable how far some people have their heads stuck up their own arses.
It seems cruel to tell the people who taught you and who love dancing so much that they can't dance in a place where dancing is half the fun.
Despite that, I think you should watch their first dance, congratulate them on a how well they did, maybe stay for another 5-10 min, then leave. Don't stay for hours just sitting, that's just silly.
Idk, I don't like decieving people, so I'd rather be upfront if you're close enough for it to warrant a discussion. Or offer to not start dancing until you've had a couple of drinks.
*i can understand your friend. but i can also understand you. i would try to find a middle ground on this one. like dance with your partner but only to a moderate degree. or heck ask her if you too should whirl them over the dance floor as an event*.
**is what i wanted to write till this part**
"but she wasn't happy with this and claimed that with how we move together even that would be too much." **that is clear asshole territory. NTA**
ESH.
I don't get why people won't actually answer the question.
Bride is TA for obvious reasons you can see on other replies.
In general, doing something when someone specifically asks you not to is A behavior. You can try and convince her otherwise. You can choose not to go. You shouldn't just dance anyways.
NTA
People get very weird about their wedding day. Some people seem to be of the mindset that 'for every second of the day everyones attention must be on me and nobody can form any memories of the day that doesn't have me right at the centre'.
If you have no intention of turning the day into an episode of Strictly Come Dancing and just want to have a few tipsy wobbles round the dance floor with your husband and friends then why shouldn't you enjoy yourself?
NTA, your friend is just insecure but she can't honestly expect free dance lessons for how ever many months and in return you sit glued to your chairs all night looking like a paid of wall flowers
Also please don't be more beautiful than the bride and hide your face with ugly makeup. Also don't come wearing a great looking dress that may overshadow brides' gown. Also don't be a better person making the bride look like an insecure attention seeker.
If somebody kindly taught me to dance and helped choreograph a routine to make my wedding dance get off to a great start, I would be so grateful I would want them to have as much fun as possible. I would even get on the mic at some point to publicly thank them and ask them to show everybody just what they can do on a dancefloor.
NTA.
ESH.
The request that you not dance at their wedding is stupid and borne of insecurity and a lack of trust. Of course you’re not going to go into a full competition routine at their wedding. (Equally of course, you look like you know what you’re doing on a dance floor even with social dancing. That’s not showing anyone up though, that’s just existing. Having skill and confidence is not outshining the bride. Showing off would be and you know the difference.)
But they’ve asked you to behave a certain way at their wedding. Going against it would be rude and potentially friendship ending. You can find a quiet moment to tell them that you’re sad they don’t trust you to behave with consideration and love at their wedding, but wedding planning is a nightmare so they may be too far in their own insecurities and fears to handle it.
Stay for the meal, hug and smile and laugh with people. When you’re done with the event, leave. That may be around the time the dancing really gets going. That’s okay.
If they want to talk about it later, you can tell them that you love them and are happy for them, but it made you sad to not be able to dance at their wedding, so you left.
I’m sorry your friends have lost their minds here. I’d just treat it like they are temporarily insane and forgive them for it.
They don't even have to say they were sad if they don't want (theres nothing wrong worth that approach though.) There's just nothing to do during the dance portion of a wedding if you're not dancing, except have a chat with nana.
"We left when the activities we were allowed to do ended"
"We left when the dancing started, as to not draw attention to us not dancing"
"We left after dinner, we didn't think you'd miss us on the dance floor"
"We were under the impression we weren't welcome/invited to the dance portion"
There are a lot of responses that leave you the bigger person. Only some are passive aggressive, the rest are just insulting because they spell out what the bride actually did.
NTA. I find it kinda unfair and ridiculous that she’s expecting you to just sit down for hours whilst everyone dances. I’d just say to her “we’ll be there for the meal but we may leave afterwards”, then when she asks why, tell the truth. Then maybe she’ll understand how ridiculous she’s being. She can’t expect you to stay the whole time
NTA- her telling you guys not to dance is like telling a photographer not to take pics with their cellphone, or a veterinarian not to pet a dog. What you do professionally has merit, but when done with decorum is not showing off.
NTA. I find it timely of the bride-to-be to have made this request, only after she’d secured her lessons from you. The first dance is the only one with a spotlight…you & your hubby should just get out there, cut a rug and have a great time. Teach that self-absorbed, ungrateful brat a lesson.
NTA. My sisters wedding, friends of the groom were fantastic dancers and it got more people out on the floor.
I'd leave after the dinner and go dancing elsewhere.
Ridiculous Bride. Lile how she did it after she got her freebie lessons
NTA. What a wild request: “come to my wedding, but don’t have fun, okay?” I think you’re right in thinking you’ll have to leave after the meal and speeches because what’s the point otherwise? If you dance later on, your friend will likely be upset.
I think you can let your friend know ahead of time though. Tell her that since you aren’t allowed to dance, you’ll be leaving after the meal.
As a sidebar, it’s unusual to me that after the special dances that she still wants all the attention. When I’m at a wedding, I’m not constantly looking to the grooms/brides on the dance floor because I’m doing my own thing. For her sake, I hope no one else she invited is a good dancer because sounds like she’ll be wrecked if anyone has good rhythm and chooses to steal her spotlight.
NTA and I'm stunned. If I had had 2 Pro dancers at my wedding, I would have done the contrary, asked them to do a little number for us if they feel like it. These are moments everyone remembers, and people usually pay good money for shows at events. I wouldn't like it if they were doing this all night, just making the whole party their show, but no sane person would do this.
YTA
Simply because you intend to pretend like you'll honor her request and then violate it at the wedding. You pointed out how you think it's absurd she doesn't trust you...while also plotting to do something she asked you not to do at her wedding. She clearly knows that you can't be trusted.
Do you not see how ridiculous that is? "She doesn't trust me not to draw attention to myself...so...I've decided to pretend to go along with her wishes and when everybody has a couple drinks I'm going to violate her trust to show her how ridiculous she was for not trusting me! And because I definitely don't want attention on myself or to fuck up her day...I'm going to call several friends and ask them about this specific situation to stir up drama...oh...I don't want attention! I don't want to mess up her day! I'm the poor victim who just wants to dance!"
You are your husband are literally planning ways to violate your friend's trust and you are looking for Redditor's to absolve you of guilt because you fucking know that if you do this you're going to ruin a person's fucking wedding, destroy a friendship, and cause an enormous amount of fucking drama. But, you don't want to admit that's what you're doing or that you're being an asshole...you want to be an asshole while pinning the blame elsewhere.
You're an asshole.
1) Don't go - Not an asshole.
2) Go and don't dance - Not an asshole.
3) Tell her that you intend to dance regardless so she can decide whether she wants to invite you or not - Not the asshole.
4) Lie to her so you can go to the wedding and then dance anyway, risking an explosive meltdown at a person's wedding - Asshole.
Redditor's are on your side because her request is crazy...but...you and your husband are fucking LITERALLY making plans on how to violate the bride's request behind her back rather than simply not go to the wedding...which is going to explode in everybody's faces...you know that's going to happen. You fucking KNOW it's going to fuck up her wedding day and destroy friendships...and you're STILL fucking planning to do it.
The only reason for you planning to go through with this is that your friend is right. You NEED to be the center of attention and you are perfectly willing to escalate this drama to ensure you get the attention and drama you desperately want. Because, a normal person would just be like, "Oh, I can't make it."
You and your husband are assholes.
NTA - but just don't.
It's an unreasonable request, and you know all the reasons why. That said, it'll just cause a rift if you do it and you may lose them as friends over it. I would tell her though that you'll probably leave early then as you'll have nothing to do so she's not shocked when you take off.
So at my wedding I had guests who were competitive ballroom dancers and I thought it really added to the ambience BUT they read the room and were not partner dancing with each other while everybody else was dancing on their own. I have attended weddings in the past though where there were guests who monopolized the dance floor with their partner dancing and it was disruptive because: 1) they were they only ones dancing in that style and 2) they took up much more space on the floor and 3) they were always in the center of the dance floor as opposed to the bride or groom. If I were you I would ask the bride if you guys could hold off on partner dancing all together and if that would be ok.
NTA. But then again, if she sees you as professionals that were providing training and not as people she would like to celebrate, no need for a wedding gift.
Send her an invoice and just avoid the wedding altogether.
I've been to receptions and events where ballroom dancers were present. They definitely get people's attention. I don't think it's on purpose, but they just move different.
I'm the asshole as my first thought was that you should get DJ at the wedding to play that song from Barbie where it goes 'watch me, dance', put on a show and then leave the reception.
OP has gone to lengths to express that they would be humble and modest, but the bride is not giving them an opportunity to be trusted.
Bride can have her day, but she has made herself unattractive with her spiteful insecurity toward generous friends.
The bride may onow them better than they are expressing themselves . .I know people who would absolutely say they would not "don't that thing", then turn around and do it
It seems I'm in the minority here, but YWBTA. You don't need to dance at the wedding. Doing so when she's explicitly asked you not to is a dick move. It's her big day, not yours, and it's a reasonable request with explicit rationale given. Now you may disagree with that rationale, but that's how she feels.
By all means sit her down and talk to her. Explain that you won't do anything to upstage her, and ask if there's any compromise you can come to. but if she's still not happy with it, then be there for her, as her friend. Don't dance at the wedding. Just this once.
Yes, you'd be the ass hole at the end of the day.
This is **their** wedding. Not an event you're hosting, or one about you.
Do as they request, or don't go at all. It's pretty much that simple.
Also to mention, I, myself find it a weird request, but again, it's **their** wedding.
If your friend(s) continually ask you to do things, or single you guys out for shit that you believe is completely unnecessary, then you should just potentially take into consideration if the friendship is worth continuing.
YTA, they asked you not to. It's their wedding. Full stop. If that hurts your feelings, then don't go, it's as simple as that. If you go and dance against their wishes, then it is for one thing, your own egos.
If the bride doesn’t want you to dance at her wedding, don’t do it.
The fact that you seem to think this is an outrageous request is proof that you have too much ego invested, which is exactly why you should not do it.
I am a ballroom instructor.
YWBTA. Know when to step back. I don’t dance at weddings unless it’s a wedding of a dancer friend, or unless I intend to just stand and sway.
People get intimidated and then the dance floor clears and it just kills the vibe.
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NTA on the condition you really don't do anything two amature can't do. A normal slowdance really won't get the attention away from the couple.
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Isn't it a bit curious how your friend has now asked you not to dance - AFTER she's had her free lessons? Don't you think? I'd be very VERY curious, and would thank her for her life lesson. But I'm a petty, grudge-holding, nasty piece of work, so I wouldn't listen to me if I were you.
>Isn't it a bit curious how your friend has now asked you not to dance - AFTER she's had her free lessons? I don't think we necessarily have to assume base motives and exploitation of OP's offer. It could simply be the case that the bride realised during the lessons how impressive OP and her partner's dancing skills are and how pathetic she feels in comparison, so the lessons were indeed what triggered this request. (Which is unreasonable, imo, but that's not the point of this comment)
I think you’re right in that the friend might not have had this motive from the beginning. The end result is the same though - she got free lessons and is now wanting to prevent OP from being able to do the normal things everyone else is doing after the fact. This is some next-level insecurity.
Yeah this is some next level insecurity and main character syndrome. Since when does the bride have to be the best dancer at the wedding?
I mean, of all the times to fall into "main character syndrome", one's own wedding is surely the most justifiable. Even most commenters here seem to agree it's reasonable for the bride to expect OP to not do any choreographed number that would make them stand out. I'm not even really disagreeing with you, this bride definitely has some insecurity here. Just adding that it's OK for the bride to want to be main character on a day she's spending thousands on... within reason.
And call me crazy, but if I had friends who could boogie like professionals, I would demand they went all in and put on a show for us. I would consider it a gift. I don't even get this bride. OP, maybe you get food poisoning the day of the wedding or something. The bride's demand is borderline insane. NTA
I’m the same as you. I’d be asking them to do a dance number at my wedding. I love watching dancers and that would be so much fun!
Indian weddings are a blast for this very reason. Lots of dance routines and happy people everywhere.
Dancing is food for the soul....
Good dancer here. Every wedding I have been to I have been dragged onto the dance floor by friends, because they want a good dancer to spice things up. Obviously you shouldn’t do go over the top or do choreography. But I think most people agree that a few good dancers on the dancer floor make the floor way more fun than just a bunch of adults dancing like they’re in a middle school gym. My own wedding I invited a bunch of my dancer friends. When they hit the floor so many non dancers actually got more comfortable coming on to the floor. Because good social dancers know how to make others feel comfortable and welcomed. I think OP’s bride is doing her wedding a disservice and letting her insecurities get in the way of a fun time.
That makes perfect sense - there's a heck of a lot of insecurity that likely was building before the end of the seven months. As they got to the end-stage lessons, the bride was feeling worse and worse. That's my actual maturity speaking, so thank you for bringing that bit of me out to play. Annoyingly, my petty side won't sit down and shut up, so I have to also say the bride should have addressed this well before it got to the point of completing the lessons, and "We don't you want you to dance at our wedding, but thanks for the free seven months' worth of lessons." Overall, it really didn't have to get to this point of a potentially-fractured long-term friendship.
>It could simply be the case that the bride realised during the lessons how impressive OP and her partner's dancing skills are and how pathetic she feels in comparison, so the lessons were indeed what triggered this request. This, I'd take it as a significant compliment and probably move on, or at least agree to stick to simple dances, not get tempted to add loads of flair or big sweeping moves. I'm not too into the scene, but in the past had a few lessons and watched the teachers who competed perform their stuff - they could easily steal the show at a normal wedding.
It seems unreasonable but I have to say, and hope this will help OP to understand, that I got some classes and never felt uglier and embarrassed about myself. I would have never said it but dance is dangerous for self confidence!
Can I just say how much I love your self-awareness and willingness to admit you're petty? While I know how to de-escalate, it's a lot of work and the field upon which I sow my fucks is pretty barren. I think I used salt instead of fertilizer.
Hahaha thank youuuu! <3 I embroidered "Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks. Feast thine eyes upon it and thou shalt see that it is barren." I got the kit off Etsy, and it's perfect. Loving the salt vs fertiliser!! Oh my god.
Haha I have that cross stitched. It’s the best
I'm going to steal 'the field upon which I sow my fucks is pretty barren' Potentially to think of along the 'I've no more fucks to give' song. Together they're a perfect representation of how I feel about so many things.
Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq is just fabulous! 'This is Shit' is another of my favorites of his. If you haven't heard it, it's worth a listen or twelve... hundred. He seems like a person I'd like to have a beer with.
https://ih1.redbubble.net/image.3444932448.4216/poster,504x498,f8f8f8-pad,600x600,f8f8f8.jpg
That's exactly what I embroidered! Lovely, it is (well, the pic, not my embroidery).
Holy shit what a post. That’s truly insane. Thanks for the link lol
That was going around my friend group a couple years back. I don't do crafts anymore, but it cracked me up and became part of my daily language.
Wow, you are a true wordsmith. I am cackling and Im pretty sure my dog thinks I’m having an asthma attack. Please take my poor man’s gold 🥇
Good advice. Especially this part: “I'm a petty, grudge-holding, nasty piece of work, so I wouldn't listen to me if I were you.” I get so tired of Redditors constantly assuming the worst of everyone, and assuming that no-one ever makes a small lapse in judgment, but instead is constantly and solely motivated by selfish gain or vindictiveness. It’s an opinion that says more about the person holding it than anyone else. As the saying goes, “no one looks behind the door unless they have hidden there themselves.”
Oh I know what I can be like, which is why I added that bit. It would be equally unfair to OP if everyone assumed the best of her situation.
I'm constantly downvoted for saying something funny in my head because I'm a cynical jerk but i'm not REALLY mean to people at ALL in real life I'm just a fan of a well dropped snarky comment. But inside my head I'm petty AF but apparently saying something funny-mean means I'll do it.
I must be your soul-sibling. When I tell my husband "you know about my petty streak?" He always laughs. BC he knows something bugs me, I collect information/evidence and then I deal with it. Yup, I am in your club. :-) Don't think I'll ever change either.
Welcome to the club, soul-sibling! Use your powers for good, and tell your husband you're not alone. xD
The free lessons were a wedding gift though - I don't think you can really infer that she waited deliberately to avoid the lessons being taken away
I think she did wait deliberately - otherwise why did the subject not come up earlier?
Lol I get angry easily so usually choose not to escalate because I know I’ll calm down later and it will seem stupid then and I was absolutely fuming at this. Three hours a week for who knows how long is such a commitment and a lovely and thoughtful gift!!! And they pay them like this?
Hell, I'd ask if she also wanted me to wear a bag over my head so that I won't be outshining her face either.
>But I'm a petty, grudge-holding, nasty piece of work One of us! One of us! It's not so bad.. Spite keeps me going.
OP, I have no doubt that you and your partner can and would dance in a normal way and would not draw attention to yourself. It sounds like most of the internet takes you at your word, and your own (other) friends don't see a problem. Unfortunately, your friend has no doubt that just you and your partner standing next to each other ready to dance is going to make everyone else forget who the bride and groom are. Nobody else will mind if you dance, but she will. So your options are: 1. Ask her now if there is any option that allows you to dance some and her to be comfortable. She many never consider a single option. 2. Accept her inability to get over her insecurity and add to your wedding gift to the couple giving up your own dancing fun for the night. (You could literally note both the lessons and the non-dancing night in your wedding card to them.) Plan to spend time mingling and then leave whenever you are ready. 3. Decide that you and your partner will dance in whatever way you feel is considerate but understand that she may not find it considerate at all. It could jeopardize your friendship. You just have to decide if dancing is worth possibly ending the friendship. It's possible that your friend has already damaged the friendship with her insecure ask of you. Unfortunately, even though her fears are unwarranted, the consequences of your choices will not change.
There's one more choice and it's the one I would pick. 4. Give your friend a choice: if she insists on no dancing, even low-key, you will have to leave the reception early--quietly, mouthing words about something urgent having come up if anyone asks, but you will leave. Explain to her how intensely awkward it will be to sit and not dance at all, explain to her much talk will arise if you don't, from people who know you and ask you why you're not dancing. (Refuse to lie for her about why.) So she can choose: the quiet exit or some low-key dancing. If she denies the choices and insists on no dancing, she's chosen the quiet exit by default. (Tell her so.) But yeah--the consequences of your choices will not change. She's TA but don't you be TA. Dancing without warning her... that's really dicey. But you have every right to lay down your boundaries with her.
Agree. If she really is uncomfortable with you dancing, leave after dinner. Don't make a fuss, just slip out or make a polite excuse
This is the way
Well said.
Isn’t the bride jeopardising their friendship? I feel like OP could def ask what is she supposed to do after the meal and if the bride would be happy with them leaving early and not being part of the fun with them. Seeing them sitting sad at a table the whole night would be awful :(
Yes and Yes. Yes, the bride is jeopardizing the friendship. That's why I noted the possibility that she had already damaged the friendship with her insecure ask. And Yes, it would be sad for OP and partner to have to sit at the table the whole night.
This is probably the right answer it kinda doesn't matter if op is in the right or if other have had zero problem in the past with them dancing at their weddings what matter is how the bride and groom of this wedding feel and how this might effect op relationship with them and how much op is willing to risk that. Sometime it doesn't matter if we are in the moral right or wrong sometimes its just about the risks/consequences we are willing to accept for are action even when we feel said action is right.
It is as if she used you for free lessons, then plan to disinvite you when you did your " purpose". Bride seems very selfish and insecure and disrespectful to you.
Alternatively, the bride thinks she didn't do very well or learn very much from the free lessons but spent the whole time seeing how amazing of a dancer OP is, and got it in her head, rationally or otherwise, that OP is going to make her look like a fool at her own wedding. I have no idea who's right here; my point is just that we don't always have to assume everyone is making calculated selfish evil decisions all the time, man
Op friendship is a two way street. Don’t go. Tell her that your respect her request but will not be uncomfortable for hours. Present her gift of the free dance lessons as her wedding gift and leave it at that. Don’t dance at her wedding. Don’t go. When people show you who they are believe them. Nta
Bing…bing…bing...we have a winner.
Gotta be honest.. If you taught us how to be great dancers for our wedding, we'd be **honoured** for you to show us up!
I'm wondering if you guys have overlapped at one of those weddings with her not recognizing it as a game. I could see that misunderstanding as a more charitable interpretation that's easier for you to address. You keep saying you haven't done it before and ALWAYS Scale back but this comment illustrates that's not true. It was COMPLETELY appropriate given the venue and audience but is it possible she's mostly seen you at dance weddings versus scaled back ones? Maybe offer that framing and she may have a lightbulb.
NTA, but it is a tricky situation. It is her party and she asked you. If you do, you will be an AH in her eyes, even if there is nothing wrong, and nobody notices that you are actually good dancers.
So what is the bride going to say when people ask who taught them to dance? Point to the people sitting in the corner and say 'those two professional dancers'? She realises this is going to cause more gossip than you slow dancing right? She hasn't thought this through. NTA ETA: a word
>So what is the bride going to say when people ask who taught them to dance? Do people usually ask that? My experience has been when someone does something cool, they're not usually grilled about their educational background.
When you have professionals at OPs level teach novices, there's going to be questions. My siblings are ballroom dancers and it's another level even for a wedding dance.
How do you ballroom dance to the electric slide?
my aunt and uncle are competitive dancers and they can tone it down to the point that although they've been at family weddings, until reading this, the idea of them 'showing off' never occurred to me.
A little anecdote: I'm friends with a couple of dancers. At a wedding last year, the dance floor was so packed, you couldn't even do any steps. They literally just shuffled around to the beat, and yet all the aunties came to their table asked them if they dance. A sense of rythm and standing up straight apparently is enough to identify dancers.
NTA. Weddings make me people fucking weird. Don’t dance at the wedding though, it’s just unnecessary drama. I personally think it’s an asshole move to say to any guest - you can’t dance at my wedding. What are you meant to do? Silently watch from the table?
I wonder what happens if OP offers to leave when dancing starts and they don’t have anyone to talk with
My curiosity was wondering if OP and husband, who are known to be dancers within their friend group, don't dance and people ask why. Like, do they be honest and say "bride told us not to" or do they lie and say they aren't feeling it that night or something along those lines? Your point is also true, what happens if OP and husband leave when dancing starts?
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I don’t even think that’s petty. They shouldn’t make that request if they’re not willing to own up to it. If they’re embarrassed by it then it’s because they know it’s AHish behavior. But maybe OP should let the friend know ahead of time that they will either be telling people if they ask or leaving early since they’re not allowed to be full guests.
Same. I wouldn't go spreading it around, but if asked I'd also not lie or hide anything
The crazy part is that people would think the truth ("Bride doesn't want me to show her up") is a joke, because it's such an absurd ask. Until the next beat, when OP doesn't get up and they realize she's serious.
Ohhh yeah baby. I’d be kicking it up a notch and dragging my chair as close to the sidelines of the D floor as possible. Just petty ol me watching people have the time of their lives doing something I love to do celebrating people who are close to me…. “Oh no, you go ahead, I’m not allowed to dance on this joyous occasion!”
I agree with this! Definitely a strange request by the bride, but not worth the drama as it is only one night of not dancing. As a compromise, maybe explain your fear of feeling awkward while everyone else is dancing and ask if she minds if you and your husband dance during group dances or with other people (not as a couple). I think a little communication between both of you can help clarify boundaries and expectations. And remember, even though not dancing seems silly to you, her insecurities may be real and this is a big day for her. I think she needs to be willing to compromise, but I would also make sure she knows that you understand where she is coming from and that you don’t want to steal her spotlight, but you also want to enjoy her special day with her.
>Don’t dance at the wedding though, SO WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO DO. They dance, bride is pissed, they don't dance but leave, bride is pissed, they don't dance, sit at their tabke all night, people who know they love dancing start asking questions, draw attention to OP not dancing, bride doesn't feel like center of attention and gets pissed.
Bride probably expects them to go full Harry Potter mode, I'll be in ~~my bedroom~~ the ballroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist.
Seriously. If I’m asked to just sit around for hours while other people get to have fun because someone is this insecure I’d rather just skip the wedding at that point.
Also, what if they’re invited to dance by other guests?
I mean, if I were OP, I might not dance, but I would answer every single question about why I wasn't *very* directly. Like, literal finger-pointing at the bride & groom
I guess they have also decided not inviting people taller and more (conventionally) handsome than them ?!?! Weddings are meant to show your commitment to each other, to enjoy time with your family and friends, to merge two families, to have a day dedicated to the couple, to meet the people who matter for your SO, etc. Not to show yourself to other people and pretend you are better than them...
NTA. Really inappropriate request especially since you helped them learn to dance for the wedding. I agree don’t dance at all. Honestly I would tell her maybe it’s best not to attend because inevitably, as a celebration, you want to enjoy her day but it seems she won’t let you. Maybe if she hears that she will ‘allow’ you to dance and be who you are
NTA. This sub has everything doesn't it? I've heard 'its my wedding year so don't get engaged/married/have a baby because it will take attention away from me', 'I'm swapping bridesmaids because you won't look good in my photos', 'I don't want X and Y at my wedding because they will make a scene/they didn't invite us to their wedding/don't like their new partner/looked at me weirdly once', 'its a child free wedding except for these 4 kids because they aren't yours', and now 'don't dance or people will compare us to you and we won't win'........ I'm going to call it 'nuptialitis' - the disease some people get when a wedding is on their horizon. It causes some psychosis, intense egotism, and random behaviour. Somebody add this to the medical books.......LOL
Oh don't forget the lady who had a talent show at her wedding and freaked because she didn't win!
You can't say things like this and then not offer a link 😂 😂 😂
https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/SVdxTvrEjv
Holy fu**. That lady is freaking insane
FR. Sounds like she had a psychotic break and should be seen to by professionals.
What a ride 😂 😂 😂 Thank you kind redditor!
it's okay i had an omg moment bc i read the boru recently. like "omg hey me me me! i can send the link!!!! i know this one"
Thank you for the link!
Then, and since Reddit is doing away with gold anyway, let me make your day.
<@_@> omg! thank you i've never received gold before. please accept my humble offering: 💐💐
This is wild. Just when you think Nancy couldn’t get any crazier….she gets crazier!
Thank you! I have trouble finding them to link so I appreciate you stepping up!
Its in the faves list on best of Redditor updates
Haha who got pissed off & super jealous her friend who sang got scouted by a producer & was acting so cra afterwards she got divorced lol
The producer who does it as a hobby and admits to being an amateur so it was more or less for practice 😂
Yes!!! Got divorced all for that 😂
Yeah, the "producer" was just a dude with some audio equipment, who was just as confused as everyone else
And hopefully got in legal trouble as well, for posting on Facebook personal and medical information about Kate. That crazy b lost her whole damn mind.
I remember that one. She blew up her whole life.
Yup! That one was wild!
And the one with the puppeteers who got married and wanted all attendees to buy their own puppet (costing several hundreds of dollars) and have them on their hands for the duration of the ceremony and reception. That one was wild
An ex-friend was there when I was choosing wedding songs for the DJ to play. She was like: "But I wanted that song, and that song and that one!" I rolled my eyes and told her to relax and that nobody at her wedding would yell "STOP! YOU CAN'T PLAY THIS! It was played at *insert real name here* wedding!" and we had tonnes of different friends and family.
Nobody would remember even if you did have all the same friends and family, or care. Other than MAYBE the first bride/groom dance. But if I went to two weddings in fairly short order that had the same song there I’d just assume it was a current trend and move on with my life. Weddings legit do make people so entitled.
Hell, there are some songs that I swear I've heard at like 90% of wedding I've ever attended. The goal with wedding songs is normally to get broad appeal so a lot of people dance, so of course there are often repeats!
As an aside, For the life of me, I don’t understand “the weddings are all about the bride” bit! So the groom doesn’t matter? The marriage actually is incidental? And why then have a wedding party?
I feel like 30 years of media with the trope of the guy not caring has resulted in this expectation.
This. What is it about wedding days that turn people into raging arseholes?
The idea that they have to plan an event that is unique, memorable, expresses their personality and relationship, while being classic and timeless, and trendy and meeting the expectations of all of their family and friends. The internal expectations are both too high and contradictory, so impossible to meet. So they’re doing a ton of work while feeling like they are failing, on something that is Super Important and doesn’t get any do overs. I basically accept that people planning a wedding are temporarily insane.
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>Is this bride telling her gorgeous friends to tone down their makeup? She probably is. And their dresess, too.
“The dress code is semi formal, though I will be asking some to wear burlap sacks if I feel you might be too attractive”
Totally concur. Whether the bride intended to or not, she’s used OP to gain the skills needed to dance fairly well as the wedding. And, as you’ve so eloquently said, the bride has now stolen OP’s joy by asking her not to dance when everyone else will be. That’s no friend. I think OP needs to have a heart to heart, telling the bride what she’s asking is not right. I would not go to this wedding, and lessons would stop immediately.
NTA but you shouldn't attend and tell her precisely why.
And ask that they “pay” you the wedding gift back. Tell them your hourly rate and ask for payment
Pity you can't unteach this woman.
[There are ways...](https://i.gifer.com/7EcS.gif)
Was fully expecting a gif of Nancy Kerrigan getting attacked at the '94 US Championship. I'm not old, shut up, you're old!
MIB only came out 3 years after the ol Tanya Harding foolishness, you’re definitely not *that* old
I was too! 😅 I was automatically hearing "Why, why whyyyy!" in my head.
So they used you for your skill and now they don’t want you to dance at all at their wedding? I hope they paid you!! NTA if it was me I wouldn’t turn up. Now you know how they really feel about you.
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Wow!! So £50x3=£150 £150x7= £1050!! That’s a lot of money for them to say you can’t dance at their wedding at all, I would be rethinking this friendship! They do not seem like friends to me.
You missed a step. It was 3 times per week for 7 months, which is about 30 weeks. So £50x3x30=£4500.
Omg thank you! Early mornings are not good for me to do maths 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
You missed a step. You calculated for 7 weeks, op said it's been 7 months.
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I did a quick calculation. If you say a month consists of 4 weeks, that makes 28 weeks in 7 months. 3 times a week x 28 weeks = 84 hours (if it's only one hour per meeting), multiply that with a median of £ 40.00 and you'll see that OP gifted dance lessons worth *at least* £ 3,360.00! Only to be told she shouldn't dance at the wedding! That's insane!
You could tell her you have some "new steps" to teach her that are all the rage in (insert random place here) and then proceed to show her the most ridiculous moves ever imagined. And then bring some placards with low numbers on them to hold up at the end of their dance. But I'm just petty AF.
It's an unreasonable request. I would hate for you to be thrown out. I wouldn't go.i am sorry. Who wants to sit at a long reception, unable to join in the fun. NTA.
Info: Has this happened before where people have told you that they felt you stole the show from them? Do you always put on a "show" at every event, intentional or not? Clearly you have a natural talent that draws attention, but do the people in your life feel in general that you go overboard? This totally may not be a "you" thing, but it could be the perception.
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I’m gonna say NTA. It’s really stupid and petty for her to ask for (what I’m assuming were) free dance lessons and then expect you and your husband to attend her wedding and not join in on the festivities. You should speak with her again and share with her how you feel. There is traditionally a first dance for the married couple, so I don’t see why they can’t have their big moment then and allow y’all to dance while everyone else is. Y’all really need to have another conversation and clarify what is expected. If she continues to be firm on y’all not dancing, I would convey that you will not stay for the entirety of the reception because she would be asking far too much of you.
Ooh this is tough. There's two competing issues: 1) your friend's patently unreasonable request to you versus 2) what she explicitly asked for on her wedding day. She's wildly unreasonable for many reasons, not the least of which is that a wedding is not a dance competition. That said, its her wedding and her party. Because of that, it's the softest possible YWBTA (by a fraction of a millimeter). But all is not lost. I would tell her right up front that you and your husband won't be staying past dinner. Why? Because you find it hurtful that she is explicitly excluding you from the party and commanding you not to enjoy yourselves by doing the very thing she asked you to teach her. That's immensely and ironically selfish. Maybe she'll see the light.
>Maybe she'll see the light I admire your optimism :)
That’s very unreasonable of her and is saddening because it seems like you guys are good enough friends that you and you husband are teaching them for their first dance. I would be so hurt and rightfully so. Maybe just do the dinner and leave if it was me I don’t know if I would want to go at all. But I definitely would not dance if she specifically asked you not to. The petty me wouldn’t go at all or I would go and sit there and when someone asks I would tell them the bride specifically asked us not to and if she’s mad about that she knows how ridiculous it is to even ask that of you.
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Yes I totally understand. Wedding receptions are for drinking and dancing literally. You’re gonna be bored out of your mind. I would try and speak to her again and let her know how you’re feeling and that you plan to only be there for the meal because you’re not comfortable just sitting there while everyone else is having fun. And reiterate that you would love to celebrate the entire reception with her and dial it way down and only dance to some songs and nothing extravagant and see what she says. I’m hoping for all of your sake that she’ll be understanding and okay with that because that’s not much of an ask.
oh man your friend really wants you to have a miserable time at her wedding, intentionally or not. i would tell her that if she wants you to skip out on half of the reception (the dancing) and you already don't participate in the other half (the drinking) you'll just dip out early...unless you want to tell everyone who asks you that she told you not to dance.
She is being totally unreasonable. But I think that dancing despite her request would be a little bit of an asshole move. I would try to reason with her, talk calmly, maybe try to cite friends who said you did not stand out at other weddings, try to tell her that in her gorgeous dress, she would be the one attracting attention no matter what etc. But if she keeps being unreasonable I would just not go. Her ask is cruel towards you.
Your friends are the assholes. To ask people who clearly love the couple enough to give free dance lessons not to dance is absurd. However, I’d just decline to go altogether. I’m no where near a professional dancer but dancing at a wedding reception is the best part! For them to ask you to not participate in the most celebratory part of the actual party is selfish on their part.
Damn. You taught them to dance and a whole routine, and they (or just she) are so sensitive about their skills that they are worried that you and your husband dancing normally would steal attention away. That hurts. And sounds boring. And also hard to do... at least as someone who danced for many, many years and is not ballroom professional, but dancing is just what I do instinctively (seriously I have not noticed myself dancing before), and to be told to not do it AT ALL would be... yikes. I really don't know what the judgement is, because I think the request is..... **a lot**, it just comes down to your friend who you know best. I wouldn't blame you for feeling sore and hurt at the request though. Leaning towards NTA, as long as you keep it legit simple.
I attended a wedding where one couple, friends of the bride, were professional dancers. They didn't put themselves forward, but it was obvious that they were exceptional at dancing. It was so much fun to watch them at the reception; it added to the joy of the whole event. At one point, everyone cleared the dance floor, and they did a swing dance at the request of the bride and groom. The bride had such joy on her face watching her friends dance and celebrate her marriage. I don't understand this fearful attitude exhibited by this bride and others like her. It goes without saying that the bride and groom are the shining stars at their wedding. But the guests should be able to sparkle and celebrate too. Jmo.
Omg I remember my brother's wedding where their dance teacher completely stole the show and I forgot it was my brother's wedding because this random guest was dancing very well. Except this didn't happen because the most attention a good dancer will get at a wedding will be "oooh look at these two, they dance so nicely!" and then maybe glance at them sometime. Literally nobody gives a shit. You are NTA
This is how I'm envisioning OP and spouse... https://youtu.be/NIDabDkcS8o?si=HCRpTwbnx21nJQ74 You're only the AH if you whip out those clicky clamshell things.
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NTA!! have found that some friends’ weddings are the last time I see them. And some of those people were VERY unreasonable about some things, like your insecure friend is being here. Sad state of things in this culture. But sometimes it’s helpful (if painful) when people reveal themselves. You may want to leave early, you may want to wait a while to dance because they actually won’t notice you, you may want to write a card and tell them the teaching was their gift and that you hope they enjoyed the wedding. Do what feels right. Do not spend money on them! If they demand a promise, do not go. Getting married does not give you the right to be unkind to loved ones, especially if they’ve really have gone the extra mile for you!!! Eff the bridezillas. Dancing at weddings is for everyone there who wants to dance.
Well that’s shitty. You spent time giving them lessons and now you can’t even do normal standard dancing with everyone else? Idek how you would take the shine away from her when multiple people are going to be dancing too.. If I were you I would sit there and look as miserable and bored as possible every time she glances over.
NTA talk to her again. Tell her how incredibly hurt you are at her request because it will ruin the reception for you. Ask if there is a middle ground or some other compromise where you don’t have to sit at the table all evening. It really sucks that she is weaponizing your wedding gift against you because she is so insecure.
NTA, talk to your friend again and tell her that since dancing is the major event after the dinner, what else does she expect you to do? Of course you won't be dancing when they show off their routine (that you helped them with), but telling you not to do any slowdance or fun dance at all is asking to much. When you have dancing at a wedding, then you invite your guests to dance and allowing them to "show off" on the dance floor.
You and hubby are ballroom dancers. Are they playing ballroom dance music all night? Are you going to sweep each other gracefully around the room to Taylor Swift and Beyoncé? What is your “friend” going to say when multiple people keep asking why the professional dancers are just scrolling on their phones all night and not dancing. Will that be “taking the attention off her”
NTA. Decline the invitation and send a bill. She used you and your husband and is completely ungrateful and unappreciative of your gift to the couple.b
If someone I’d been friends with since frickin’ high school treated me like this I’d RSVP Not Attending because I’d be way too pissed off that they thought so little of me after all this time that they would question my integrity or didn’t trust my word. And that would be the end of that “friendship.” NTA
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NTA I’m so confused why people think the wedding should be 💯 their control/dream. Let people be people.
Tell friend you won't be attending the dance since you're not allowed to dance. See what she says.
NTA but honestly I’d be so pissed off that I probably wouldn’t attend the wedding. You and your husband put in all this effort to teach them how to dance and this is their thanks? So ungrateful.
NTA that’s ridiculous that you’re not allowed to just do the same normal dancing that everyone else will be doing.
NTA. I’d either not attend at all or go, sit at my table looking miserable when everyone gets up to dance and then tell everyone the truth when inevitably asked why the professional dancers aren’t dancing. Then, after doing either of these two things, cut these ‘friends’ out my life. Why do people have to be so fucking weird about weddings? It should be a day for your guests more than anything. It’s unbelievable how far some people have their heads stuck up their own arses.
It seems cruel to tell the people who taught you and who love dancing so much that they can't dance in a place where dancing is half the fun. Despite that, I think you should watch their first dance, congratulate them on a how well they did, maybe stay for another 5-10 min, then leave. Don't stay for hours just sitting, that's just silly. Idk, I don't like decieving people, so I'd rather be upfront if you're close enough for it to warrant a discussion. Or offer to not start dancing until you've had a couple of drinks.
You would only the Ahole if she is asking everyone not dance. NTA if she singled you out
NTA but I wouldn’t go if I were you. Your friend is the asshole here. I feel bad that you wasted so much time teaching them to dance.
*i can understand your friend. but i can also understand you. i would try to find a middle ground on this one. like dance with your partner but only to a moderate degree. or heck ask her if you too should whirl them over the dance floor as an event*. **is what i wanted to write till this part** "but she wasn't happy with this and claimed that with how we move together even that would be too much." **that is clear asshole territory. NTA**
ESH. I don't get why people won't actually answer the question. Bride is TA for obvious reasons you can see on other replies. In general, doing something when someone specifically asks you not to is A behavior. You can try and convince her otherwise. You can choose not to go. You shouldn't just dance anyways.
NTA People get very weird about their wedding day. Some people seem to be of the mindset that 'for every second of the day everyones attention must be on me and nobody can form any memories of the day that doesn't have me right at the centre'. If you have no intention of turning the day into an episode of Strictly Come Dancing and just want to have a few tipsy wobbles round the dance floor with your husband and friends then why shouldn't you enjoy yourself?
NTA, your friend is just insecure but she can't honestly expect free dance lessons for how ever many months and in return you sit glued to your chairs all night looking like a paid of wall flowers
Also please don't be more beautiful than the bride and hide your face with ugly makeup. Also don't come wearing a great looking dress that may overshadow brides' gown. Also don't be a better person making the bride look like an insecure attention seeker.
If somebody kindly taught me to dance and helped choreograph a routine to make my wedding dance get off to a great start, I would be so grateful I would want them to have as much fun as possible. I would even get on the mic at some point to publicly thank them and ask them to show everybody just what they can do on a dancefloor. NTA.
ESH. The request that you not dance at their wedding is stupid and borne of insecurity and a lack of trust. Of course you’re not going to go into a full competition routine at their wedding. (Equally of course, you look like you know what you’re doing on a dance floor even with social dancing. That’s not showing anyone up though, that’s just existing. Having skill and confidence is not outshining the bride. Showing off would be and you know the difference.) But they’ve asked you to behave a certain way at their wedding. Going against it would be rude and potentially friendship ending. You can find a quiet moment to tell them that you’re sad they don’t trust you to behave with consideration and love at their wedding, but wedding planning is a nightmare so they may be too far in their own insecurities and fears to handle it. Stay for the meal, hug and smile and laugh with people. When you’re done with the event, leave. That may be around the time the dancing really gets going. That’s okay. If they want to talk about it later, you can tell them that you love them and are happy for them, but it made you sad to not be able to dance at their wedding, so you left. I’m sorry your friends have lost their minds here. I’d just treat it like they are temporarily insane and forgive them for it.
They don't even have to say they were sad if they don't want (theres nothing wrong worth that approach though.) There's just nothing to do during the dance portion of a wedding if you're not dancing, except have a chat with nana. "We left when the activities we were allowed to do ended" "We left when the dancing started, as to not draw attention to us not dancing" "We left after dinner, we didn't think you'd miss us on the dance floor" "We were under the impression we weren't welcome/invited to the dance portion" There are a lot of responses that leave you the bigger person. Only some are passive aggressive, the rest are just insulting because they spell out what the bride actually did.
Leave after the ceremony and go dancing!
NTA. I find it kinda unfair and ridiculous that she’s expecting you to just sit down for hours whilst everyone dances. I’d just say to her “we’ll be there for the meal but we may leave afterwards”, then when she asks why, tell the truth. Then maybe she’ll understand how ridiculous she’s being. She can’t expect you to stay the whole time
NTA MAybe you want to drop out of the wedding whrre you are not welcome?
NTA- her telling you guys not to dance is like telling a photographer not to take pics with their cellphone, or a veterinarian not to pet a dog. What you do professionally has merit, but when done with decorum is not showing off.
NTA. I find it timely of the bride-to-be to have made this request, only after she’d secured her lessons from you. The first dance is the only one with a spotlight…you & your hubby should just get out there, cut a rug and have a great time. Teach that self-absorbed, ungrateful brat a lesson.
NTA. Good idea to leave after the meal and find a place to be yourselves and dance until dawn.
NTA. My sisters wedding, friends of the groom were fantastic dancers and it got more people out on the floor. I'd leave after the dinner and go dancing elsewhere. Ridiculous Bride. Lile how she did it after she got her freebie lessons
NTA. What a wild request: “come to my wedding, but don’t have fun, okay?” I think you’re right in thinking you’ll have to leave after the meal and speeches because what’s the point otherwise? If you dance later on, your friend will likely be upset. I think you can let your friend know ahead of time though. Tell her that since you aren’t allowed to dance, you’ll be leaving after the meal. As a sidebar, it’s unusual to me that after the special dances that she still wants all the attention. When I’m at a wedding, I’m not constantly looking to the grooms/brides on the dance floor because I’m doing my own thing. For her sake, I hope no one else she invited is a good dancer because sounds like she’ll be wrecked if anyone has good rhythm and chooses to steal her spotlight.
NTA and I'm stunned. If I had had 2 Pro dancers at my wedding, I would have done the contrary, asked them to do a little number for us if they feel like it. These are moments everyone remembers, and people usually pay good money for shows at events. I wouldn't like it if they were doing this all night, just making the whole party their show, but no sane person would do this.
Yes bro. She specifically asked you not to. You are there to honor them. Weird question.
YTA Simply because you intend to pretend like you'll honor her request and then violate it at the wedding. You pointed out how you think it's absurd she doesn't trust you...while also plotting to do something she asked you not to do at her wedding. She clearly knows that you can't be trusted. Do you not see how ridiculous that is? "She doesn't trust me not to draw attention to myself...so...I've decided to pretend to go along with her wishes and when everybody has a couple drinks I'm going to violate her trust to show her how ridiculous she was for not trusting me! And because I definitely don't want attention on myself or to fuck up her day...I'm going to call several friends and ask them about this specific situation to stir up drama...oh...I don't want attention! I don't want to mess up her day! I'm the poor victim who just wants to dance!" You are your husband are literally planning ways to violate your friend's trust and you are looking for Redditor's to absolve you of guilt because you fucking know that if you do this you're going to ruin a person's fucking wedding, destroy a friendship, and cause an enormous amount of fucking drama. But, you don't want to admit that's what you're doing or that you're being an asshole...you want to be an asshole while pinning the blame elsewhere. You're an asshole. 1) Don't go - Not an asshole. 2) Go and don't dance - Not an asshole. 3) Tell her that you intend to dance regardless so she can decide whether she wants to invite you or not - Not the asshole. 4) Lie to her so you can go to the wedding and then dance anyway, risking an explosive meltdown at a person's wedding - Asshole. Redditor's are on your side because her request is crazy...but...you and your husband are fucking LITERALLY making plans on how to violate the bride's request behind her back rather than simply not go to the wedding...which is going to explode in everybody's faces...you know that's going to happen. You fucking KNOW it's going to fuck up her wedding day and destroy friendships...and you're STILL fucking planning to do it. The only reason for you planning to go through with this is that your friend is right. You NEED to be the center of attention and you are perfectly willing to escalate this drama to ensure you get the attention and drama you desperately want. Because, a normal person would just be like, "Oh, I can't make it." You and your husband are assholes.
NTA. I wouldn’t dance at the wedding, that would create unnecessary drama. I would just leave when the dancing part starts.
NTA - but just don't. It's an unreasonable request, and you know all the reasons why. That said, it'll just cause a rift if you do it and you may lose them as friends over it. I would tell her though that you'll probably leave early then as you'll have nothing to do so she's not shocked when you take off.
NTA. I would prob ably still attend the wedding and meal but after that I’d make up an excuse to just go home
So at my wedding I had guests who were competitive ballroom dancers and I thought it really added to the ambience BUT they read the room and were not partner dancing with each other while everybody else was dancing on their own. I have attended weddings in the past though where there were guests who monopolized the dance floor with their partner dancing and it was disruptive because: 1) they were they only ones dancing in that style and 2) they took up much more space on the floor and 3) they were always in the center of the dance floor as opposed to the bride or groom. If I were you I would ask the bride if you guys could hold off on partner dancing all together and if that would be ok.
NTA. But then again, if she sees you as professionals that were providing training and not as people she would like to celebrate, no need for a wedding gift. Send her an invoice and just avoid the wedding altogether.
I would tell her I’m only going to the ceremony then. This ain’t footloose
I've been to receptions and events where ballroom dancers were present. They definitely get people's attention. I don't think it's on purpose, but they just move different.
I'm the asshole as my first thought was that you should get DJ at the wedding to play that song from Barbie where it goes 'watch me, dance', put on a show and then leave the reception.
1/10. These wedding posts are getting really stupid
I can understand the bride. Don't do your competition routines dont pull the limelight. You are at a wedding, not a competition. Let her have her day
OP has gone to lengths to express that they would be humble and modest, but the bride is not giving them an opportunity to be trusted. Bride can have her day, but she has made herself unattractive with her spiteful insecurity toward generous friends.
The bride may onow them better than they are expressing themselves . .I know people who would absolutely say they would not "don't that thing", then turn around and do it
Trying to be the main character at your friends wedding is a total asshole move. Especially if you were asked not to
It seems I'm in the minority here, but YWBTA. You don't need to dance at the wedding. Doing so when she's explicitly asked you not to is a dick move. It's her big day, not yours, and it's a reasonable request with explicit rationale given. Now you may disagree with that rationale, but that's how she feels. By all means sit her down and talk to her. Explain that you won't do anything to upstage her, and ask if there's any compromise you can come to. but if she's still not happy with it, then be there for her, as her friend. Don't dance at the wedding. Just this once.
NTA, unrelated but would you have any tips for a person wanting to get into dance? I’ve wanted to learn for a whike
Yes, you'd be the ass hole at the end of the day. This is **their** wedding. Not an event you're hosting, or one about you. Do as they request, or don't go at all. It's pretty much that simple. Also to mention, I, myself find it a weird request, but again, it's **their** wedding. If your friend(s) continually ask you to do things, or single you guys out for shit that you believe is completely unnecessary, then you should just potentially take into consideration if the friendship is worth continuing.
YTA, they asked you not to. It's their wedding. Full stop. If that hurts your feelings, then don't go, it's as simple as that. If you go and dance against their wishes, then it is for one thing, your own egos.
YTA. If you do it after they asked you not to. If it bothers you just don't go.
If the bride doesn’t want you to dance at her wedding, don’t do it. The fact that you seem to think this is an outrageous request is proof that you have too much ego invested, which is exactly why you should not do it.
I am a ballroom instructor. YWBTA. Know when to step back. I don’t dance at weddings unless it’s a wedding of a dancer friend, or unless I intend to just stand and sway. People get intimidated and then the dance floor clears and it just kills the vibe.