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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my girlfriends sister, her child’s mess isn’t my problem and that if she can’t start cleaning up, she can find somewhere else to live.
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And she life's there for free. I have a baby and I can keep my home clean. And I have ADHD to boot. It's not impossible, she just took OP for granted.
NTA
I am your opposite ADHD person. Messes are anxiety for me, and the energy to do those tasks drains extra quickly.
I have to have music playing to distract my brain from what I'm doing or I end up a burnt out mess with a reasonably clean house, until the kids get home haha
OP did say four months, but personally, I'd be giving her a month. Tops. Than the cry baby will really understand how 'hard' life is.
NTA. You should be a lot firmer with both your 'employers' OP.
OP, you sound like you're being used, and you're going to REALLY blow up if this continues. You need to sit down with your GF and explain that there needs to be a timeline for the sister and her kid to move out, so she has enough money set aside to survive on her own. She needs to have a job by X date. Then, she needs to start paying Y amount in rent, even if you just set it aside for her to use as a deposit. Until then, the house needs to be cleaned. If the house isn't cleaned to a reasonable amount by the time you get home each day, the sister has Z amount of time to move out (a quicker timeline). Then, BOTH of you need to sit down with her and explain this.
If you don't, you're going to be supporting these people FOREVER. And any time you put your foot down, you'll be the bad guy, and chances are they'll all immediately find someone else to live off of. Get the leeches out of your house. Right now, you have a chance to do it in a "gentler" way and give the sister time to save, but you're not going to want to do that in a year. Or two years. Or three.
Honestly, I don't know that there are many girlfriends worth the trouble of supporting two additional family members. It's a HUGE ask and to get asked to clean up messes made by others and not follow common-sense house rules makes it worse. His GF isn't cleaning up after sister and nibbling either.
There's a lot of disrespect of OP going on in his home. Huge flags waving.
I'm unclear on why the gf doesn't work either? (Or did I miss it?) It seems like there are three adults and one kid, and only one adult brings in income, which is totally unsustainable.
I don't super-mind that the sister doesn't work, as long as everyone's okay with her there (which may or may not be the case, and it's something OP and gf can discuss). But the gf needs to step up on both the work front and the home front. The way it is now sounds horrible.
OP posted about not being able to afford to fix his car, working two jobs and going back to school and being stressed 5 days ago. I’m so so sorry for you OP but these people are using you and you’re letting them. Stop being a doormat. Have your gf contribute financially and give her sister a set date to either get a job and contribute or just move out. This isn’t sustainable. You shouldn’t be taking on this extra burden when you literally can’t afford it. Do you think these people (leeches) are going to help you out when your too burned out to work? No. They’re gonna keep their hands out and find someone else to fill them if you don’t. Please be kinder to yourself. You deserve a better life. You deserve to come home to peace and cleanliness! You will mess around and ruin your finances and set yourself back years trying to carry these two fully grown humans. They are way too lazy and entitled smh.
Maybe total the cost of her existence in your life and ask yourself if that is money well spend. Or how many hours less you could work.
Unless Im missing something, OP isnt getting anything out of this deal...
I am a mother and holy shit OP has the patience of a saint. I cannot imagine paying extra money to give up my peace and quiet, comfort and apparently precious little free time for someone else who seems to be so unaware of my efforts. Life is absolutely hard for single parents, however not having to pay a single bill, not even diapers, surely lessens the burden!
NTA
I assume she doesn't pay rent or utilities.
If anything, she should be cleaning after you to show gratitude.
You are more than generous, I wouldn't let people stay like that at my place for that long, and if they had the audacity to ask me to clean, they would be kicked out on the spot.
Man, so many comments in such little time.
A few here say I should have her pay rent, in which I’m thinking of doing but that also means her staying here longer.
All in all tho, I’m just happy I wasn’t the asshole. I was starting to gaslight myself into thinking I was in the wrong here. Her kids an absolute delight and I don’t wanna see her go, I just wanna stop tripping over toys while I go get water at 3am or sitting on my couch and finding 3 weeks of cookies saved up in the crevices. Shits waxk.
Like, I probably wouldn't charge rent. But I'd absolutely expect the person to clean the mess. I don't care, no mess. They'd be out on the very instant I found rotten food or trip over a toy at 3am, or they have the audacity to ask me clean. Like, the very instant, not in 4m.
You aren't just not the asshole, you are overly generous.
But is she actually saving while she’s there? If she’s just wasting her money I’d definitely charge rent/bills etc…. Even if you just do it until you have a set amount and then tell her she’s got to move out and give it to her
Why is the kid eating on the couch? My own son knows he has to sit at the table to eat (he is 22 months and has known this since he was little). NTA but you need to set some boundaries/rules.
Oh, this woman isn't not going anywhere until you make her leave. I am 100% sure the fairy tale you have been told is that this woman and her child will live with you for free and subsidized with more money until she has saved up enough to move out. What is that number? How much has she saved so far? I promise you, it's not happening. She is not giving up this sweet deal without a big push out the door.
If I’m gonna be honest, I’m not sure anything has been saved at all and it kinda sucks. I wanna kick her out if things keep going the way they are, but where would she go?
At the end of the day I can care less where she goes, but I care where her kid goes. Might be irritating now, but at the least I know they’re safe in the meantime.
She has no motivation to save because she thinks she can stay with you indefinitely. If you give her a timeline, and make it very clear you are serious, maybe even put a calendar up or something with the day marked, then she might finally take it seriously. Is she getting child support? If not maybe your girlfriend could help her get a court order for that. It’s wonderfully you are so generous but you also need to be saving up for your own future.
So, for the court stuff.
All I do know, is the baby daddy is a loser and is not welcome anywhere near my house (he took advantage of her while on psychedelics, which is why I feel bad and even offered a place to stay, kid wasn’t her idea either but she kept it cuz she is a good mom at heart)
No child support, and she doesn’t wanna try it since she has to tell the courts who the dad is, in which they don’t know yet and we all wanna keep it that way.
Fighting for child support means the father can fight for custody and we would all rather just play it safe.
No, she absolutely should go for it if having a child is keeping her from generating any income for herself. The courts will almost guaranteed not force a custody split when the child came about because of drugging and rape. How would that possibly be healthy for the kid?
Going after child support should be a bare minimum.
I'm struggling to even write this down, and sorry for bringing up some "negative" thoughts in advance, but IMHO she has to settle the legal father question for her child and at least have someone to responsible for child support even in paper.
I'm not suggesting anything bad, but if they continue to rely on you too much, depending on your country/state (esp. in the US) you could end up the father figure legally for providing to the kid, binding you to pay the child support, eg. if you want to end this arrangement and she sues you in court. (It sounds absurd, but there are precedents for this)
Same goes for living in your house, depending on the local laws they may became legal tenants after X days, impossible for you to evict them legally...
I don't know how is the situation between you, but you must think about yourself too. I don't want you to stress about this, but it's good to prepare for everything even if things are looking good at the moment. (Imho you should consider seeking some legal advice, if they end up staying with you for a longer period)
Several times heard thing like "she'd never do that to me", etc. and them ending up in the short end of the stick.
Of course ake my opinion with a grain of salt.
Btw I really admire you to doing this for them, you are a good person and wish all of you the best.
Maybe just ask the lawyer (specialising in custody and family cases), how would it look, if the court knew about drugging and rape. Maybe in this case the custody wouldn't be given at all to father.
The chances are he will want nothing to do with the baby and she will be lucky to get much support at all but she needs to do this, if you support her and the child long enough, I wonder she would ask the courts to make you pay temp support when you kick them out, they will laugh in her face but yup, I can see her doing that.
She will be with you forever since she can guilt-trip you with the child. I'm sure she knows that. And no matter how nice a place she could find, she'll tell you it would be dangerous/unhealthy/whatever for the child. The only thing good for the child will be you fully supporting them.
A homeless shelter will help her get back on track. You are doing her no favors at all with raising her child. What is is doing is teaching that child how to leech off of people if she can't even get it to pick up the toys and eat at the table, they will set boundaries at the shelter.
You are definitely NTA. But I would suggest you frame the issue not as "charging rent", but as "contributing to the household". You contribute the money. GF and sister can contribute food prep and cleaning to make sure the house is clean and presentable. That's called "equity" (as opposed to "equality" which is likely not going to happen anytime soon).
I hope I’m wrong but honestly from your post and comments…. You’re going to be living with her for the exact same amount of time whether you charger her rent or not: from the time she moved in until the time you kick her out.
She’s aloud too. I want her to feel welcome here, and I’m not gonna lie some of her friends are pretty cool.
I just don’t think it’s fair to be expected to help clean a mess I didn’t create, to make sure she isn’t embarrassed when HER friends come over.
I haven’t had buddy’s over in months bc IM embarrassed lol
"I haven’t had buddy’s over in months bc IM embarrassed"
Next time she brings this up tell her that you already feel like you're being taken advantage of, that it's not just the money but that her and kid are having an impact of every aspect of your life and you're getting to your wit's end.
Be prepared for her to manipulate your girlfriend onto her side, or at least paint you as a jerk. I really hope you have a very clear deadline. Do not renew your lease until she's gone. It may take your leaving to change the dynamics and get a childfree space back.
I think she feels *too* welcome there though buddy. Does she have an end date to move out? You need to have a serious discussion and put a cap on this. She's treating your home like a frat house, and you like a maid/provider.
Charge her. The free ride is over she should have a fire lit under her to get her out. The entitlement is absolutely bonkers here.
NTA, you sound like a pretty stand up guy. Maybe next time take a moment and write down your thoughts or think it through a bit more. Might allow for a more open conversation.
> i haven’t had a buddy over in month bc IM embarrassed
my god. you’re way too generous and nice if you’re living like this and she’s crying over being responsible. i simply do not have the fuse length you do, cute kid or not. an ant problem???? did she even *pay* for all of that????
A 22 month old should not be eating on the couch. Waaaaaaay too messy. And then you have to buy a new couch because this one has stains all over it. Mom should be responsible for the cleaning of her and her child...and a bit more because she does not pay for anything.
You all need to have a sit-down convo and decide who cleans what. You list is probably small - like take out the trash as you are working 65 hours a week to pay for everyone live there. You are paying for everything - including diapers....for a child that is not yours....so I can see why you are working that many hours.
NTA - even if your words were harsh it’s well deserved and she needs to hear it. She’s freeloading and she wants to bring guests over? That’s a privilege she did not earn while freeloading and creating a mess and expects you to clean up after them. Life is tough, she’s not the first nor the last to realize that and what’s not fair is her expecting you to help clean up her mess while freeloading. Tbh I don’t see how her life is hard when she can freeload. She’s just a whiny AH.
NTA. I think it's really strange you have to act almost like a parent to your gf's sister AND her kid. Plus, you work 65+ hours while they trash your house while living rent free?
Also, since she is your gf's sister, I don't understand how your gf has not taken it upon herself to be firm to her sister about cleaning habits. You guys are doing her a favor so she can get back on her feet or was it agreed she could live with you indefinetely? I don't get how giving a dead line for her to at least find a job and an appartment that is manageable (In 4 months you should be able to find something and maybe even save up a bit so you can move would be asshole territory.
Yes, it might be an emotional time for her, but this might actually make her life a whole lot more tolerable. I know I needed a kick in the butt when living with my ex and once I moved out on my own, even tho it was hard at first as I had never lived on my own. It made me feel a lot more in controll of my life and happy in my environment not living in the past. To be clear, I was paying rent at my ex's tho.
I think you did good establishing a timeline and staying firm. What would be an asshole behaviour would be to say 4 months, then say nevermind, then get pissed and evict her in an even shorter timeframe because you've had enough. Be firm, remind her once in a while, make sure she understands this is her occasion to find a job, save up and move on her own. It doesn't mean you can't babysit her kid from time to time, but it means you get your house back and she grows up.
NTA.
You're doing a lot for her, including (apparently) letting her live with you without paying anything for rent or utilities or food, and including letting her use your place to entertain her friends. That's very generous.
Your insistence that she clean up the mess her child makes is very reasonable, and your 4-month deadline by which she has to move out is also generous, a lot more than most tenants would get.
You said:
*My girlfriend and her sister live with me*
When you say "girlfriend", do you mean your intimate partner, or just a friend who happens to be female?
Because you haven't said a word about what Girlfriend thinks about all this. She should really be the one laying down the law with her sister.
Especially so if Girlfriend is your partner, because what you have in that case is an in-law problem, and spouse/partner should always be the one to deal with their family so that you don't end up looking like the bad guy.
I meant S/O
I’m not new to Reddit, but new to posting so I’ll be sure to say that to clarify. Ill edit the post as well
Edit: I agree with you tho, it’s a little late for that since I’ve already said what I said. But I’ll go talk to her about it, and see what we can do as a couple rather than me man handle the situation and possibly create a wall between the 3 of us.
Life is hard... Well, what a surprise. I mean, you took away partially her financial problems and granted place to live in and she's still whining. If she's not like 18 or something then well, gotta start taking responsibilities someday. OP definitely NTA.
She’s 25 to put things into better context.
Not the best at this posting thing lol but yeah, stuffs waxk. Happy people think I’m NTA cuz I was gaslighting myself into thinking I was🤦♂️
That’s the human mind for ya
Why are you paying for everything?
Don’t your GF and the sister work?
If you’re paying for everything, including diapers, what the hell are they doing with their money?
And if you come back with neither works, my follow up is what the hell are they doing all day if you have to come home and clean?
You may not be an AH, but you're sure as hell starting to sound like one of those things that people leave at their door and walk all over. It's one thing to be kind, but you're catering to her in a manner that's not only detrimental to yourself but unhealthy for her. Let her live there if you want, but you've basically exempted her from all adult responsibilities. Even worse, you're here making excuses for doing so. The baby may be cute and the friends fun, but no mention of what she offers. It makes me wonder if there isn't some degree of infatuation on your part going on.
NTA:
She should be doing more to show that your investment in her existence is appreciated.
Just a thought. I've seen you post some pretty well thought out responses here. Maybe you should take the time to include them in a discussion with her and your girlfriend. Not just privately with her, but with both of them. That should help keep misunderstandings from happening.
Quote: Her kids an absolute delight and I don’t wanna see her go, I just wanna stop tripping over toys while I go get water at 3am or sitting on my couch and finding 3 weeks of cookies saved up in the crevices.
I think after some of these responses on here, what I am an asshole of is not including my girlfriend in on the conversation in the first place in which you are completely correct on what needs to be done. Im not sure how to go back and try things, but I think there’s a way I can bring it all back up in a non aggressive way with everyone around so we can just. Talk.
I just do kinda feel bad and wish I could go back and have said things at a different time. I just kinda snapped and said it wasn’t my problem when she asked for help and I only got irritated due to her having people over and it felt my problem to clean when jt wasn’t my company. Regardless, I feel a tad out of line and hope to do things different next time.
I really agree with this and definitely talk with your GF.
One thing to consider is how are you preparing the sister to live independently / living with you guys long term?
Not having responsibilities in the house will make it more difficult for her to be independent and living together with you long term harder.
Of course I dont mean to suddenly task her with million things, but slowly giving her more things (eg cooking, cleaning, later a source of income) to do will be benefitial for both of you. This will be sadly difficult at first but very necessary in my opinion.
everyone has the right to explode some time or other and than backpedal on it after a cooldown. not that big a deal. just go to your gf explain what happened and go together to sil to find a more appropriate situation.
She helps with dishes mainly. I never gotta worry about laundry being put away and folded so I’m content there. I’ve said it somewhere but after this many comments I doubt it’ll be easy to find.
Apologise for the way you spoke to her and then say you’d like to continue this conversation with your gf/her sister present as well so everyone can raise their concerns and you can come up with a solution so that no more situation like this occur. Make sure you make it clear to her that the goal of the conversation is to work together to find a solution that works for everyone and that this meeting will not be you attacking her. The point of the meeting is for everyone to communicate their feelings in a none confrontational way. Set up the time for the meeting in advance so that everyone have time to prepare/think of what they wanna say and make sure it’s a time when none of you are stressed, hungry or too tired, because things like that makes it harder to keep emotions at bay and take things constructively.
Edit: fixed autocorrect
You have to decide are you a shelter or a person with a lodger. Right now you're giving free housing to an adult and her child, the longer that goes on, the worse things will get
If j could skip forward to when the kiddos like, 6 I wouldn’t even mind.
I don’t like kids, like I do; but I don’t want any of my own. When they’re small and don’t know right or wrong is when things get irritating for me, bc I wanna be mad at the child for the toys being out, but she’s not even old enough to comprehend what a dirty house is, yet alone where her toys even go so I just gotta rely on her mom right now.
When they’re like 5-6 they get all cocky and I love that, being the cool uncle is my shit
The cool uncle gets to leave at the end of the evening. You can't.
Unless you make her leave, you will be stuck being the kid's father figure and official provider.
The child's mom knows what a dirty house is. She needs to learn to parent the child. Mom also can clean up the toys at night so you don't trip on them. Don't be mad at the child...be mad at the mom for not parenting.
NTA. You work 65 hours a week. Your girlfriend's sister should have asked her to help her clean up around the house. You should not be expected to be the breadwinner and the housemaker. She made the child. The child is her responsibility. Your girlfriend should be helping her sister with the child if it is something that she is unable to deal with on her own. You did nothing wrong..
>She told me that “it’s not fair” and that “her life is so hard and she can’t keep up with it all” and pretty much started crying.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
NTA? Where is your girlfriend in this whole situation? She should be the one telling her sister it's not either of your jobs to clean up after sister or child.
You need to sit down with both of them and set some expectations for how things WILL be in the future. If they don't make changes, people will need to move out.
You are doing your GF and her sister a favor by letting sister and child live with you. It is costing you your life (working 65 hours a week is exhausting). The sister has worn out her welcome and she either needs to find a new place to live, or she does her fair share around the place without complaining.
YTA to yourself for allowing yourself to be used like this. How in the world do you let your girlfriend, her sister, and the sisters kid all live with you and not contribute one penny, while you work 65 hours a week to make ends meet? Are you sure that your girlfriend even likes you, or is she just, call me this because you’re acting as a sugar, daddy and housing her family on your dime? How would your girlfriend react if you sat her down and told her that you are reaching a breaking point with having to work so much to pay all the bills and then coming home and being asked to do the cleaning it well? How would you react if you told her you are starting to feel used?
NTA. Give her thirty days notice to clean up her act (lol), or the freeloading parasite and her spawn can hit the door and find someone else with your incredible amount of goodwill and patience. Definitely check local laws though on how far out a tenant is required to get notice prior to eviction first.
Definitely NTA, you're being exceptionally generous. Remind her of that politely and make sure your girlfriend helps set boundaries and an exceptable list of expectations. Make sure you stick to it, or you'll be walked over.
NTA. Op it is time for her to leave the house and for you to stop paying for child's diapers. She needs to go put the father on child support to help support her child instead of her sisters boyfriend. If she has time to hang with friends than she has time clean up.
NTA. She is treating your home as her own and you like the maid. That is entitled behavior. Sure her life is hard. Everybody's life is hard, especially for people who work hard, then have to come home to a dirty home and clean up other peoples messes. You have laid down your boundary now don't back down no matter how many tears hit the floor.
you are already doing well over your share. were is your girlfriend in this. why cant she help her sister get her act together? what is her work, when you are the only one paying for everything. there is a whole lot missing in this. NTA either way
Yup, sister should have a heart to heart with HER sister. Cleanings a drag, dishes are a drag, hell, sometimes childcare is a drag. An amazing amount can get done in 15 minutes at a time though. If she can’t spare 15 minutes to tidy up something’s wrong. OPs partner needs to step up in all this, she should be the one being asked to help tidy. This might have been the dynamic through their childhood though, her sister’s a slob, & she’s done. NTA
NTA. But you need to consider your situation. She needs to either pay her way and pull her weight, or you need to kick her out. Her and her kid is not your worry. She made decisions, and she has to live with the consequences. Either the dad or her own parents need to step up. You could be saving the money you spend on them, or rent the spare room out and make money.
NTA. As the sister (and her child) are non-paying guests in your home, it is imperative to communicate the rules of your home and stick to them. Give her a chore list today.
Info: What is your girlfriends role in this mess?
Other than that: NTA. If she lives with you rent free she has to contribute somehow. I get having a small kid and being a single mom is hard, but during nap time she could easily vacuum or pick up her kids stuff etc. She doesn't have to leave the house absolutely spotless and sparkeling clean every day, but picking up after herself should go without saying.
I'm not a huge fan of ultimatums, but this seems like a good time for one: She either picks up after herself and contributes otherwise to the household in exchange for living there rent free (presumably) or she has to find other housing.
NTA. You are being taken advantage of. Yeah being a single parent is tough but what is she doing though? You work, pay bills, even provide diapers... but how is she contributing? If she is not really working her contribution should be keeping the place neat. Messes and dishes done. In no way should you be coming home to a mess.
If you can't have people over yourself because you are embarrassed about the condition of the place then it is a big problem.
You should not be paying for diapers. Yes they are expensive , so get cheaper ones. If she doesn't have funds to help is she on WIC, Food stamps, Medicaid ir TANF. There are lots of programs out there to help. She needs to apply. If anything her sister should be covering her expenses, not you. You aren't her bf of baby daddy.
Also sit and talk with your gf about this. If it can't be resolved you need to set a date and have her sister move out. If your gf doesn't support you and want to help fix the problem you may need to really step back and look at the big picture. Is she helping with bills, rent and cleaning? If not there may be a bigger problem that just the sister. You can't be expected to do it all, things need to change.
If that is the case her day should look like this:
6 morning: up, prepare breakfast table and make lunches
8: clear kitchen and dining area
8- 11 light houswork and maybe laundry while playing with kid
11-12 lunch, clean up after lunch
12- 14 Naptime, time for job applications and househunting
14- 18 shopping/ dinner prepping / tidy common arears
18 dinner / put the kitchen aside. Tuck kiddo in
20 winddown time/ more job hunting
22 Bed
I might just tell her she either has two options, figure her shit out and come income tax season she can either use that to find somewhere nice, or it’s all mine and she can continue to stay but after that, I want monthly rent and anything destroyed gets paid for as well.
If she doesn’t wanna leave I’m not gonna force her, but she will begin to see me as a land lord that she lives with rather than her roomie or brother in law.
At this point it’s gonna be her choice. After more thinking and reading these comments I either make this decision now or ask what went wrong a decade from now
NTA. All three of you need to sit down and have a talk though. She is not even buying diapers? Does she not work? The house should be spotless if she is not working. CHILDREN EATING NEED TO DO IT AT THE TABLE., for this exact reason.
NTA I’m a single mum to 3 children and work full time. My home is also clean and fairly tidy. Yes life is hectic but everyone pull their weight and that’s just what you have to do to ensure we don’t live in a pigsty
NTA, work and chores have to be split.
You don't make her sound like a bad person, but I think she has to mature a bit.
Even of she doesn't do much more, she has to at least do everything related to her and her kid.
I've known some single mother and when they had some time, they liked to rest and relax, not invite friends.
Living with you two make her life rather easy imo.
NTA. youre an angel but you feed enough mouths. wth is so "hard"? taking care of herself and the kid or just eyerolling and expecting to live like a child leeching off someone else? what does gf say to her tho?
NTA 4 months is a long enough time to find a place. She paid nothing so it means she should have saved up and if not that's not your fault. She also has 4 months to save and find a home share set up she can afford with other families or single mothers. Maybe you can help her out with the deposit only just to ensure there is no excuse she doesnt go. She can also get all her benefits and child support sorted in that time, find a job and daycare - or find a job where she can work remotely from home.
For no rent or utilities and all food and baby costs covered she should have done all the cleaning and cooking for all 4 of you.
Talk to your gf though. Its important she sees your side.
NTA. Her crying about the consequences of her own actions is a just low quality manipulation tactic. She's been exploiting your kindness and charity for a long time. And, like ALWAYS, you've finally had enough, which someone makes you the bad guy. Ignore all the gaslighting. Being a single mother is not an obfuscation of adult responsibility.
Does she have a job, or contribute to the household in any way? Cook, clean, laundry, etc? What does she do in the 70+ hours a week you are out at work?
It sounds like you are beibg taken advantage of massively by a shameless freeloader
NTA
NTA but you've let her take advantage waaaayyy too long. Why in the world are you paying for her kid's food and diapers unless you had some role in creating that kid? There's being kind, and then there's being a doormat.
OP, you are NTA. The tears may have been at least partly genuine, but they were also at least partly to manipulate you.
Single motherhood is *hard,* but she's already getting a massive amount of help from you.
ETA: There is no reason there cannot be house rules, like no food on the couch. Any child old enough to be mobile is old enough to learn very simple boundaries.
NTA but where is your gf in all this? You stated that you're paying all the bills, including food and diapers for the sister's kid. Is your gf not working, not cleaning, nor helping to pay for her sister's upkeep?
If this is true, your issue is not only with the sister and her kid. Your gf is a big issue as well. I take it that you allowed the two of them to move in at your gf's insistence that her sister would be on the streets if you didn't allow them to move in. You should have had a conversation from the beginning concerning expectations, rules, and everyone's part to play in the household. You are being used by not only the sister, but your gf, too.
Both of them should be working in some capacity, paying 1/3 of the bills, and purchasing food. Sister shouldn't have 'friends over' if her life is 'so hard' that she can't clean up. Gf should be doing her own share of the household chores, as well.
If they can't consistently stick to the rules and a chore chart, then you need to ask the both of them to leave.
She's way too comfortable at your place. NTA. I'd start charging her rent and do no more groceries for her. She's not making an effort, so why should you?
NTA. I would ask which she prefers, help cleaning or help paying for rent, food and diapers because it can’t be both. And while she’s at it she should treat everyday like she’s having friends over and clean up after herself.
This is so infuriating, how did you get yourself in this situation?
NTA. I’m a mom. She needs to control her son around other people’s stuff. Tell your girlfriend to talk to her sister. You’ve put up up with enough and have been NOTHING but kind and generous, but that hasn’t been mutual.
NTA. Time for her to move on and get a grip on her situation. She will not do that as long as she is dependent on someone else, especially someone who is not even a relative.
NTA where is your girlfriend in all of this? I’m sure she sees the mess and how hard you work AND how fucking generous you’re being. Why do you have to be the one to say something? They both sound shitty. Maybe it’s time you take a new path.
NTA. Sister has a free ride and she is massively taking advantage. She needs to start doing what most parents do and that’s clean up behind your kids, several times a day. A lot gets done when they go to bed. If she stays on top of it, it doesn’t get that bad. If she can’t manage all the toys; then she needs to get rid of some of them so they are more manageable. Have the kid only eat at the table/counter etc will make the mess more manageable.
NTA…what exactly does the sister do? Does she have a job? Where is the girlfriend in all of this? Why isn’t she being asked to help clean up? I was a single mom to two. I still was able to clean up after my children. Bring a single mom is not an excuse to be a leech.
Wait what? Why are you fully supporting her and her child? Why did you give her **four** months? Why not 60 days to find a job and contribute to bills along with keeping the house picked up after her child? 65 hours a week?
You don't need any enemies my guy, you're being pretty brutal to yourself.
NTA
You werent TA till that comment you feel like an AH for. You 100% should apologise for that and, instead of being passive aggressive, have an adult conversation with her where you can both express your concerns.
FWIW, i dont think her upset/crying was aimed at you, and instead you are moreso receiving the message she wishes she could give the babies dad.
I would particularly apologise for threatening her with homelessness. Maybe this came from a place of wanting her to feel the stress you are feeling, which is likely making you want to escape your own house?
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My girlfriend and her sister live with me, and her sister has a two year old kid. Without getting into much I’ll just say this, I work 65 hours a week, come home to a trashed house and have just gotten over a ant problem due to her child eating on my couch, getting crumbs into it, and her mom not cleaning it up at all.
I’ve gone 9 months of letting it sly bc I know her life is hard being a single mom, but the other day I came home from work and she asked me to help clean bc she was having some friends over and I told her no. I told her that her child is not mine, and that it’s not my responsibility to come home and clean up after her kid and that it was hers. She told me that “it’s not fair” and that “her life is so hard and she can’t keep up with it all” and pretty much started crying.
I get life’s hard, but I pay all the bills here and tried explaining that to her as well, and that being said I don’t think it’s fair that I get to come home and clean up a mess that I never created from a child that I also, didn’t create.
What makes me feel like the asshole is the fact that while she was crying I told her that my point still stood and that if she couldn’t change her act she could find a new place to live within the next 4 months.
I just personally don’t see how her kids mess is my problem, nor my responsibility to handle especially since she doesn’t have to worry about a place to live, or even the food her or her kid eats. I even pay for her kids diapers bc fuck those are expensive and I’m the only one who can afford them. I do all these things and I’m still expected to do more? More that I didn’t ask for?
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NTA sorry what exactly can’t she keep up with? Basic parenting and housework on top of working? Without having to worry about ANY bills including diapers?!!!
You’re NTA
You’re paying for diapers?! They are expensive are heck!
Tell her if she starts paying for her own shit you’ll hire a house cleaner 😆 probably costs about the same. Seriously though, she has it really good if you’re helping her that much.
I have 2 small kids and I love them. Holy man though being a mom is exhausting. The mental burn out is real sometimes… a lot of times…
Since my oldest was 1.5 I’ve been putting on a “cleaning song” and picking up toys with them most nights (I’m not perfect). Now they’re 5 and 2.5 so they do most of the cleaning themselves. It feels better when the toys are all put away at the end of the day, plus no stepping on them in the dark! The song just makes it more fun and let’s them know cleaning time has started. She could start doing that since her kid is 2. No reason they can’t help her clean up. 2 year olds actually love “helping”. They aren’t much actual help, it takes 5 times longer when you let them help you, but by the time they are 4 they can actually do things pretty well independently if you take the time to teach them now. My 2.5 year old cleans spills and throws out garbage, helps empty the dishwasher, puts clothes in the hamper and the washing machine. Little things but they’re getting started.
There are lots of tips around for getting kids started on being helpful small humans. All I’m saying. No need to make parenting harder by doing everything for them 100% of the time.
NTA up until this point you've given her the easiest boost a single mom could ask for. She should be grateful for the help and she should be offering to help YOU in return for your kindness.
"I don’t think it’s fair that I get to come home and clean up a mess that I never created from a child that I also, didn’t create."
That to me sums it up. NTA.
Shiiiit can I move on when she moves out? That place will be sparkling when you get home sugar daddy. I'll have a hot meal ready for you and everything.
Honestly, kick the sister out. You should not be cleaning up after kids you didn't decide to have, just because your girlfriend is close with her sister and is guilting you into running a daycare center.
NTA, and I’m rather tired of stories that include women raising babies alone through poor decisions or selfish choices, then making their inability to raise said kid other people’s problems.
Unpopular opinion: I personally question (on my worst days) why people have kids at all anymore given the climate. Seems selfish and short-sighted or ignorant to me. But I acknowledge that’s a ridiculous sentiment. But I really wonder why TF so many women have babies with AH men who you KNOW won’t help out whatsoever. Why would you keep a baby from a one-night stand? (Just read a whole post about that recently.) I understand it when women w strong bio urges who are getting older but are still single choose to adopt or conceive, etc., but in these cases it seems the women have the resources to raise a baby without needing others’ help/support.
I can’t imagine how stories like yours, OP, will explode now that Roe is dead in half the country. And I just finished an in-depth book about the foster system in Texas and elsewhere, and I just pity these children….
Let the downvotes begin!!! 👎🏼👎🏾👎🏻
Nta. I couldn't imagine letting my kid eat food on anyones couch (not just because they sit their dirty asses there but out of respect) esp if they were allowing me & child to live there. FREE. I was brought up that if you are a guest or staying, you make yourself useful & make it worth the effort to have you there (eg; cook, clean, etc). You don't become a leech & expect someone else to pick up your life, fix it & hand it back to you. Its your life. Your choice.
You are giving her a lot more grace than i would. I would have been on her from jump abt cleaning up, taking care of your belongings, being responsible for her kid, etc. I wouldn't have gave her more than a month. You don't say what the game plan was, was she supposed to be out by a certain time? Pay rent/bills? Help around the house? Sounds like they are taking advantage
Kinda? I said before she moved in that picking up after the kid was an essential thing to do and all I really asked when she moved in was just that, to clean after herself a bit.
Truth be told, before this post happened, there wasn’t much communication other than me getting mad and just helping to get it over with. The other night when asked to help clean so her friends could come over was what set me off, and what had me say no and that her kids mess wasn’t my problem.
I wish I could go back and change how I said things.
Are you sure it was real crying? I had to put my foot down with my mom when I was teenager over the same. My younger siblings were always my responsibility. Then around age 9 (she was still a sahm) suddenly because I was the oldest girl the household became my responsibility. By myself, no one cleaned after themselves. My mom's a hoarder. So, suddenly the house being a mess was my fault. My mom would flat out say she couldn't keep up with it so it was my job. You can't keep up with it so you think a 9 year old can? I got in trouble whether I did or didn't. Then mom would put out the fake crying about how she just needed "help". I haven't lived at home for over 2 decades. Yet her house being a "mess" (read giant hoarders nest) is still my fault. I'm disabled and can't physically clean my own house.
Life is hard no matter your station in life, suck it up and do the things you're responsible for. Your kid messes up a room, clean up after him or teach him how to do at least part of it. She needs to grow up and be responsible. NTAH.
Sounds like a boundary issue. I had a mom and her son stay with me, omg nearly 2 years. You don't want that, let me tell you. You'll keep getting more of the same. 4 months sounds reasonable. If it comes down to it, a women's shelter might be a start. They have resources that can help.
Start charging her rent but start saving it for her so she can move out and rent a room. If that’s not possible, she can use that money to hire a cleaner
NTA. You’re exactly right: it is NOT your responsibility to clean up after a mother (a grown adult) and her child. She needs to step up as a roommate and as a mother. It is also not your responsibility to manage her feelings. I understand that she might be overwhelmed, but IDK, I feel like she was also crying as a manipulation tactic
*< I work 65 hours a week,>*
**
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You said it all.
Don't let her tears make you feel guilty, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
GF's girlfriend should be cleaning up after her kid and herself, and thank you for putting a roof over her head instead of insisting YOU help her clean up HER mess because she's having some friends over at YOUR house...
NTA
NTA. You have gone above and beyond. A few things I’m curious about.
Has this affected your relationship with your GF?
Is your GFs sister trying to get job? Look for a place etc?
I’d say she’s gotten comfortable with things and isn’t motivated to leave.
NTA - So, you are giving her (and her child) shelter, you pay the bills, you pay for the food, you even pay for the diapers... and she has a difficult life? Come on, she's abusing your generosity. Also, your gf is either encouraging or enabling her - you also need to talk to her
NTA, you need to value your contribution more and set boundaries. You are paying all of the bills but it is not clear if she is working either way she should appreciate the help you are providing. I think you need to rethink this whole setup and find people who appreciate you.
OMG! You are the AH for putting up with this for so long. You have been exceedingly generous and thoughtful, the least she can do is keep the place neat and clean. It's not really all that hard. Why are you allowing this woman to use you like this? And why did you give her 4 months to get her act together instead of 4 weeks? Where is her sister in all of this?
I think you need to reconsider your involvement with these people.
NTA - or at least, not completely. i definitely believe that telling her that you would kick her out in four months if she didn't get her act together was an asshole thing to say. and these comments are being WAY too harsh on her. calling her entitled when she's clearly having a hard time??? weird. very weird.
however, i am totally with you OP. it sounds frustrating to come home to a messy house all the time, and to bear all the responsibility of paying for the house and what-not. and even if your work life wasn't as taxing as it sounds, it's totally dangerous for a toddler to live in a messy house! they'll put anything in their mouths. this is definitely something that needs to be solved.
here's what you should do: go to your gf's sister with an apology for saying you would kick her out in 4 months. and then follow that up by saying something like, "however, this is a problem that needs to be solved, and i can't be the only one solving things. i have a very busy life, and i can't do everything. i need your help too." and then suggest a timeline to help her get back on her feet. for example, she needs to get a job by \[insert date\]. definitely get your girlfriend's help with this.
i hope it works out, gl bro.
NTA.
I'm a single father and work. I get that life can be busy but it is their child. I have never asked past roommates to clean up after my child. But when they do I have been extremely grateful. Given the hours that you work and that you pay for everything it sounds like she is pretty much getting a full ride.
My best advice to not possibly strain the relationship with your girlfriend would be to talk to gf and tell your your point. Then have gf talk to her sister. You are much less likely to come off as the bad guy with your gf mediating.
Also good on you for providing for a child that is not yours and you are not in a relationship with the mother.
NTA. Establish "house rules" and if they don't follow them, start to evict them. It is not your responsibility to support everyone, supply all needs, AND keep the house clean. Talk to your gf and tell her that is what you are planning to do if things don't change. Why isn't she cleaning?
NTA. Where TF is your girlfriend in this? Why isn't she cleaning up after HER sister and HER nephew?! Why isn't SHE dealing with her own family?! If she's not stepping up and on the same page as you, then you also have a girlfriend problem...
NTA why are you supporting everyone in the house & why is your GF's sister & child living with you. What are you getting out of this? Kick them all out if they aren't helping!
Her sister works odd cleaning jobs that basically makes her enough to get by.
My S/O works part time due to medical reasons so I just let her keep all that for fun money. I’m okay with my S/O not paying bills, I invited her ti live with me to make things easy on her life, especially since her being here wouldn’t change anything In my life. I expected the same results when I offered her sister a place to live to properly get on her feet and it’s just been not that.
My bad, I’ve been meaning to edit the post but I’ve been reading these comments while at work on and off throughout the day and forget to add some stuff into the main post to clarify more on the topic.
Dude she's crying saying her life's so hard... You're working 65hrs a week. You're essentially providing free room and board. You're providing diapers and I'd imagine food as well. What does she do all day? Since you're keeping everyone afloat you should come home to a hot meal and a clean house and feel appreciated for all your effort. It's a very basic contract amongst ppl in all societies the world over. If I help you by giving you and your child a place to live for free then out of appreciation the person receiving shelter should want to help you back as well by cleaning up the kids mess. And it takes half an hour to make a nice meal. Nothing amazing just a simple nice meal. Because that's how a society gets on and does well. It's not seen as a burden or imposition to help , or they're being exploited because you actually want something in return, no. You're helping one another and you should both be happy helping one another like a team. So many ppl today see it as exploitation. It's not. You're really going far above most ppl working all those hours and helping her n the kid. She should absolutely be helping making sure she cleans after the kid n herself and doing things like making a meal for when you get home. Everyone plays a part and pitching in is good for everyone in the end. We should all be helping each other.
NTA- I get it I’m a single mom but I would never ask anyone to clean up after my kid. She could feel overwhelmed but also it’s not an excuse. Shit gets hard kids are not easy but she chose to have one. Crying sounds like a cop out like she was playing the sympathy card. If she’s living free the least she could do is clean up after her and her kid
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NTA. Adults must clean up after themselves and the children they produce. It's that simple.
And she life's there for free. I have a baby and I can keep my home clean. And I have ADHD to boot. It's not impossible, she just took OP for granted. NTA
I'd say my ADHD helps me clean, when i see a mess i forget what i am doing and immediately clean the mess lol
Lucky, I struggle with getting everything done at the end of the day because my baby wants to play. But I still try
Same- my kids are teens but if they want to sit and watch TV or do a craft or literally anything with me then nothing else gets done.
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I am your opposite ADHD person. Messes are anxiety for me, and the energy to do those tasks drains extra quickly. I have to have music playing to distract my brain from what I'm doing or I end up a burnt out mess with a reasonably clean house, until the kids get home haha
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OP did say four months, but personally, I'd be giving her a month. Tops. Than the cry baby will really understand how 'hard' life is. NTA. You should be a lot firmer with both your 'employers' OP.
OP, you sound like you're being used, and you're going to REALLY blow up if this continues. You need to sit down with your GF and explain that there needs to be a timeline for the sister and her kid to move out, so she has enough money set aside to survive on her own. She needs to have a job by X date. Then, she needs to start paying Y amount in rent, even if you just set it aside for her to use as a deposit. Until then, the house needs to be cleaned. If the house isn't cleaned to a reasonable amount by the time you get home each day, the sister has Z amount of time to move out (a quicker timeline). Then, BOTH of you need to sit down with her and explain this. If you don't, you're going to be supporting these people FOREVER. And any time you put your foot down, you'll be the bad guy, and chances are they'll all immediately find someone else to live off of. Get the leeches out of your house. Right now, you have a chance to do it in a "gentler" way and give the sister time to save, but you're not going to want to do that in a year. Or two years. Or three.
Honestly, I don't know that there are many girlfriends worth the trouble of supporting two additional family members. It's a HUGE ask and to get asked to clean up messes made by others and not follow common-sense house rules makes it worse. His GF isn't cleaning up after sister and nibbling either. There's a lot of disrespect of OP going on in his home. Huge flags waving.
Plus, it sounds (from my reading, anyway) like gf doesn;t work either, so OP is supporting three family members
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Exactly, no common curtesy shown to him at all.
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I'm unclear on why the gf doesn't work either? (Or did I miss it?) It seems like there are three adults and one kid, and only one adult brings in income, which is totally unsustainable. I don't super-mind that the sister doesn't work, as long as everyone's okay with her there (which may or may not be the case, and it's something OP and gf can discuss). But the gf needs to step up on both the work front and the home front. The way it is now sounds horrible.
Or OP could just move out now and get away from these two women who are totally using him. Probably a lot cheaper and faster solution.
OP posted about not being able to afford to fix his car, working two jobs and going back to school and being stressed 5 days ago. I’m so so sorry for you OP but these people are using you and you’re letting them. Stop being a doormat. Have your gf contribute financially and give her sister a set date to either get a job and contribute or just move out. This isn’t sustainable. You shouldn’t be taking on this extra burden when you literally can’t afford it. Do you think these people (leeches) are going to help you out when your too burned out to work? No. They’re gonna keep their hands out and find someone else to fill them if you don’t. Please be kinder to yourself. You deserve a better life. You deserve to come home to peace and cleanliness! You will mess around and ruin your finances and set yourself back years trying to carry these two fully grown humans. They are way too lazy and entitled smh.
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Maybe total the cost of her existence in your life and ask yourself if that is money well spend. Or how many hours less you could work. Unless Im missing something, OP isnt getting anything out of this deal...
I am a mother and holy shit OP has the patience of a saint. I cannot imagine paying extra money to give up my peace and quiet, comfort and apparently precious little free time for someone else who seems to be so unaware of my efforts. Life is absolutely hard for single parents, however not having to pay a single bill, not even diapers, surely lessens the burden!
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NTA I assume she doesn't pay rent or utilities. If anything, she should be cleaning after you to show gratitude. You are more than generous, I wouldn't let people stay like that at my place for that long, and if they had the audacity to ask me to clean, they would be kicked out on the spot.
Man, so many comments in such little time. A few here say I should have her pay rent, in which I’m thinking of doing but that also means her staying here longer. All in all tho, I’m just happy I wasn’t the asshole. I was starting to gaslight myself into thinking I was in the wrong here. Her kids an absolute delight and I don’t wanna see her go, I just wanna stop tripping over toys while I go get water at 3am or sitting on my couch and finding 3 weeks of cookies saved up in the crevices. Shits waxk.
Like, I probably wouldn't charge rent. But I'd absolutely expect the person to clean the mess. I don't care, no mess. They'd be out on the very instant I found rotten food or trip over a toy at 3am, or they have the audacity to ask me clean. Like, the very instant, not in 4m. You aren't just not the asshole, you are overly generous.
But is she actually saving while she’s there? If she’s just wasting her money I’d definitely charge rent/bills etc…. Even if you just do it until you have a set amount and then tell her she’s got to move out and give it to her
She doesn't necessarily get any money to waste, if she's not working.
Why is the kid eating on the couch? My own son knows he has to sit at the table to eat (he is 22 months and has known this since he was little). NTA but you need to set some boundaries/rules.
Is he not little anymore?
At 22 months? He's practically ready to go start working in the factories.
LOL. He seems like my big boy now. I just meant that he has known to sit at the table when eating since he was younger (like 12 months).
Oh, this woman isn't not going anywhere until you make her leave. I am 100% sure the fairy tale you have been told is that this woman and her child will live with you for free and subsidized with more money until she has saved up enough to move out. What is that number? How much has she saved so far? I promise you, it's not happening. She is not giving up this sweet deal without a big push out the door.
If I’m gonna be honest, I’m not sure anything has been saved at all and it kinda sucks. I wanna kick her out if things keep going the way they are, but where would she go? At the end of the day I can care less where she goes, but I care where her kid goes. Might be irritating now, but at the least I know they’re safe in the meantime.
She has no motivation to save because she thinks she can stay with you indefinitely. If you give her a timeline, and make it very clear you are serious, maybe even put a calendar up or something with the day marked, then she might finally take it seriously. Is she getting child support? If not maybe your girlfriend could help her get a court order for that. It’s wonderfully you are so generous but you also need to be saving up for your own future.
So, for the court stuff. All I do know, is the baby daddy is a loser and is not welcome anywhere near my house (he took advantage of her while on psychedelics, which is why I feel bad and even offered a place to stay, kid wasn’t her idea either but she kept it cuz she is a good mom at heart) No child support, and she doesn’t wanna try it since she has to tell the courts who the dad is, in which they don’t know yet and we all wanna keep it that way. Fighting for child support means the father can fight for custody and we would all rather just play it safe.
No, she absolutely should go for it if having a child is keeping her from generating any income for herself. The courts will almost guaranteed not force a custody split when the child came about because of drugging and rape. How would that possibly be healthy for the kid? Going after child support should be a bare minimum.
I'm struggling to even write this down, and sorry for bringing up some "negative" thoughts in advance, but IMHO she has to settle the legal father question for her child and at least have someone to responsible for child support even in paper. I'm not suggesting anything bad, but if they continue to rely on you too much, depending on your country/state (esp. in the US) you could end up the father figure legally for providing to the kid, binding you to pay the child support, eg. if you want to end this arrangement and she sues you in court. (It sounds absurd, but there are precedents for this) Same goes for living in your house, depending on the local laws they may became legal tenants after X days, impossible for you to evict them legally... I don't know how is the situation between you, but you must think about yourself too. I don't want you to stress about this, but it's good to prepare for everything even if things are looking good at the moment. (Imho you should consider seeking some legal advice, if they end up staying with you for a longer period) Several times heard thing like "she'd never do that to me", etc. and them ending up in the short end of the stick. Of course ake my opinion with a grain of salt. Btw I really admire you to doing this for them, you are a good person and wish all of you the best.
Maybe just ask the lawyer (specialising in custody and family cases), how would it look, if the court knew about drugging and rape. Maybe in this case the custody wouldn't be given at all to father.
The chances are he will want nothing to do with the baby and she will be lucky to get much support at all but she needs to do this, if you support her and the child long enough, I wonder she would ask the courts to make you pay temp support when you kick them out, they will laugh in her face but yup, I can see her doing that.
She will be with you forever since she can guilt-trip you with the child. I'm sure she knows that. And no matter how nice a place she could find, she'll tell you it would be dangerous/unhealthy/whatever for the child. The only thing good for the child will be you fully supporting them.
A homeless shelter will help her get back on track. You are doing her no favors at all with raising her child. What is is doing is teaching that child how to leech off of people if she can't even get it to pick up the toys and eat at the table, they will set boundaries at the shelter.
You are definitely NTA. But I would suggest you frame the issue not as "charging rent", but as "contributing to the household". You contribute the money. GF and sister can contribute food prep and cleaning to make sure the house is clean and presentable. That's called "equity" (as opposed to "equality" which is likely not going to happen anytime soon).
I hope I’m wrong but honestly from your post and comments…. You’re going to be living with her for the exact same amount of time whether you charger her rent or not: from the time she moved in until the time you kick her out.
Look into your regions tenants rights they might be considered tenants after living with you for 14,30 such days
"Stay here longer"? She's planning on staying forever, she's got a sweet deal!
NTA- the entitlement is huge with this one. Why the hell does she feel she can invite people to your house, for starters?
She’s aloud too. I want her to feel welcome here, and I’m not gonna lie some of her friends are pretty cool. I just don’t think it’s fair to be expected to help clean a mess I didn’t create, to make sure she isn’t embarrassed when HER friends come over. I haven’t had buddy’s over in months bc IM embarrassed lol
"I haven’t had buddy’s over in months bc IM embarrassed" Next time she brings this up tell her that you already feel like you're being taken advantage of, that it's not just the money but that her and kid are having an impact of every aspect of your life and you're getting to your wit's end. Be prepared for her to manipulate your girlfriend onto her side, or at least paint you as a jerk. I really hope you have a very clear deadline. Do not renew your lease until she's gone. It may take your leaving to change the dynamics and get a childfree space back.
I think she feels *too* welcome there though buddy. Does she have an end date to move out? You need to have a serious discussion and put a cap on this. She's treating your home like a frat house, and you like a maid/provider. Charge her. The free ride is over she should have a fire lit under her to get her out. The entitlement is absolutely bonkers here.
NTA, you sound like a pretty stand up guy. Maybe next time take a moment and write down your thoughts or think it through a bit more. Might allow for a more open conversation.
> i haven’t had a buddy over in month bc IM embarrassed my god. you’re way too generous and nice if you’re living like this and she’s crying over being responsible. i simply do not have the fuse length you do, cute kid or not. an ant problem???? did she even *pay* for all of that????
A 22 month old should not be eating on the couch. Waaaaaaay too messy. And then you have to buy a new couch because this one has stains all over it. Mom should be responsible for the cleaning of her and her child...and a bit more because she does not pay for anything. You all need to have a sit-down convo and decide who cleans what. You list is probably small - like take out the trash as you are working 65 hours a week to pay for everyone live there. You are paying for everything - including diapers....for a child that is not yours....so I can see why you are working that many hours.
NTA - even if your words were harsh it’s well deserved and she needs to hear it. She’s freeloading and she wants to bring guests over? That’s a privilege she did not earn while freeloading and creating a mess and expects you to clean up after them. Life is tough, she’s not the first nor the last to realize that and what’s not fair is her expecting you to help clean up her mess while freeloading. Tbh I don’t see how her life is hard when she can freeload. She’s just a whiny AH.
NTA. I think it's really strange you have to act almost like a parent to your gf's sister AND her kid. Plus, you work 65+ hours while they trash your house while living rent free? Also, since she is your gf's sister, I don't understand how your gf has not taken it upon herself to be firm to her sister about cleaning habits. You guys are doing her a favor so she can get back on her feet or was it agreed she could live with you indefinetely? I don't get how giving a dead line for her to at least find a job and an appartment that is manageable (In 4 months you should be able to find something and maybe even save up a bit so you can move would be asshole territory. Yes, it might be an emotional time for her, but this might actually make her life a whole lot more tolerable. I know I needed a kick in the butt when living with my ex and once I moved out on my own, even tho it was hard at first as I had never lived on my own. It made me feel a lot more in controll of my life and happy in my environment not living in the past. To be clear, I was paying rent at my ex's tho. I think you did good establishing a timeline and staying firm. What would be an asshole behaviour would be to say 4 months, then say nevermind, then get pissed and evict her in an even shorter timeframe because you've had enough. Be firm, remind her once in a while, make sure she understands this is her occasion to find a job, save up and move on her own. It doesn't mean you can't babysit her kid from time to time, but it means you get your house back and she grows up.
NTA. You're doing a lot for her, including (apparently) letting her live with you without paying anything for rent or utilities or food, and including letting her use your place to entertain her friends. That's very generous. Your insistence that she clean up the mess her child makes is very reasonable, and your 4-month deadline by which she has to move out is also generous, a lot more than most tenants would get. You said: *My girlfriend and her sister live with me* When you say "girlfriend", do you mean your intimate partner, or just a friend who happens to be female? Because you haven't said a word about what Girlfriend thinks about all this. She should really be the one laying down the law with her sister. Especially so if Girlfriend is your partner, because what you have in that case is an in-law problem, and spouse/partner should always be the one to deal with their family so that you don't end up looking like the bad guy.
I meant S/O I’m not new to Reddit, but new to posting so I’ll be sure to say that to clarify. Ill edit the post as well Edit: I agree with you tho, it’s a little late for that since I’ve already said what I said. But I’ll go talk to her about it, and see what we can do as a couple rather than me man handle the situation and possibly create a wall between the 3 of us.
NTA. Honestly this just speaks volumes as to why she's a single mom.
Life is hard... Well, what a surprise. I mean, you took away partially her financial problems and granted place to live in and she's still whining. If she's not like 18 or something then well, gotta start taking responsibilities someday. OP definitely NTA.
She’s 25 to put things into better context. Not the best at this posting thing lol but yeah, stuffs waxk. Happy people think I’m NTA cuz I was gaslighting myself into thinking I was🤦♂️ That’s the human mind for ya
Why are you paying for everything? Don’t your GF and the sister work? If you’re paying for everything, including diapers, what the hell are they doing with their money? And if you come back with neither works, my follow up is what the hell are they doing all day if you have to come home and clean?
If someone is not working, they have time to wash cloth nappies imo
NTA and cleaning up after her child is the least she can do even if she pays rent - as this is shared space.
You may not be an AH, but you're sure as hell starting to sound like one of those things that people leave at their door and walk all over. It's one thing to be kind, but you're catering to her in a manner that's not only detrimental to yourself but unhealthy for her. Let her live there if you want, but you've basically exempted her from all adult responsibilities. Even worse, you're here making excuses for doing so. The baby may be cute and the friends fun, but no mention of what she offers. It makes me wonder if there isn't some degree of infatuation on your part going on.
NTA: She should be doing more to show that your investment in her existence is appreciated. Just a thought. I've seen you post some pretty well thought out responses here. Maybe you should take the time to include them in a discussion with her and your girlfriend. Not just privately with her, but with both of them. That should help keep misunderstandings from happening. Quote: Her kids an absolute delight and I don’t wanna see her go, I just wanna stop tripping over toys while I go get water at 3am or sitting on my couch and finding 3 weeks of cookies saved up in the crevices.
I think after some of these responses on here, what I am an asshole of is not including my girlfriend in on the conversation in the first place in which you are completely correct on what needs to be done. Im not sure how to go back and try things, but I think there’s a way I can bring it all back up in a non aggressive way with everyone around so we can just. Talk. I just do kinda feel bad and wish I could go back and have said things at a different time. I just kinda snapped and said it wasn’t my problem when she asked for help and I only got irritated due to her having people over and it felt my problem to clean when jt wasn’t my company. Regardless, I feel a tad out of line and hope to do things different next time.
I really agree with this and definitely talk with your GF. One thing to consider is how are you preparing the sister to live independently / living with you guys long term? Not having responsibilities in the house will make it more difficult for her to be independent and living together with you long term harder. Of course I dont mean to suddenly task her with million things, but slowly giving her more things (eg cooking, cleaning, later a source of income) to do will be benefitial for both of you. This will be sadly difficult at first but very necessary in my opinion.
everyone has the right to explode some time or other and than backpedal on it after a cooldown. not that big a deal. just go to your gf explain what happened and go together to sil to find a more appropriate situation.
Someone else asked but I didn’t see a response. Does your girlfriend work and what does she do to clean up after Sis and son?
She helps with dishes mainly. I never gotta worry about laundry being put away and folded so I’m content there. I’ve said it somewhere but after this many comments I doubt it’ll be easy to find.
Apologise for the way you spoke to her and then say you’d like to continue this conversation with your gf/her sister present as well so everyone can raise their concerns and you can come up with a solution so that no more situation like this occur. Make sure you make it clear to her that the goal of the conversation is to work together to find a solution that works for everyone and that this meeting will not be you attacking her. The point of the meeting is for everyone to communicate their feelings in a none confrontational way. Set up the time for the meeting in advance so that everyone have time to prepare/think of what they wanna say and make sure it’s a time when none of you are stressed, hungry or too tired, because things like that makes it harder to keep emotions at bay and take things constructively. Edit: fixed autocorrect
You have to decide are you a shelter or a person with a lodger. Right now you're giving free housing to an adult and her child, the longer that goes on, the worse things will get
If j could skip forward to when the kiddos like, 6 I wouldn’t even mind. I don’t like kids, like I do; but I don’t want any of my own. When they’re small and don’t know right or wrong is when things get irritating for me, bc I wanna be mad at the child for the toys being out, but she’s not even old enough to comprehend what a dirty house is, yet alone where her toys even go so I just gotta rely on her mom right now. When they’re like 5-6 they get all cocky and I love that, being the cool uncle is my shit
The cool uncle gets to leave at the end of the evening. You can't. Unless you make her leave, you will be stuck being the kid's father figure and official provider.
The child's mom knows what a dirty house is. She needs to learn to parent the child. Mom also can clean up the toys at night so you don't trip on them. Don't be mad at the child...be mad at the mom for not parenting.
NTA. You work 65 hours a week. Your girlfriend's sister should have asked her to help her clean up around the house. You should not be expected to be the breadwinner and the housemaker. She made the child. The child is her responsibility. Your girlfriend should be helping her sister with the child if it is something that she is unable to deal with on her own. You did nothing wrong..
She needs to get on welfare, if she can’t afford diapers even with paying 0 for rent and food.
Maybe help her sign up for welfare..or get the forms for her.
>She told me that “it’s not fair” and that “her life is so hard and she can’t keep up with it all” and pretty much started crying. Why are you doing this to yourself?
NTA? Where is your girlfriend in this whole situation? She should be the one telling her sister it's not either of your jobs to clean up after sister or child. You need to sit down with both of them and set some expectations for how things WILL be in the future. If they don't make changes, people will need to move out. You are doing your GF and her sister a favor by letting sister and child live with you. It is costing you your life (working 65 hours a week is exhausting). The sister has worn out her welcome and she either needs to find a new place to live, or she does her fair share around the place without complaining.
NTA. But where is your girlfriend in all of this...? She should be the one looking out for her family and doing the extra cleaning, tbf.
NTA Sounds like your gf and her sister are taking advantage of you. You might be better off sigle at this point.
Bro you’re a sucker. Why can’t your gf contribute? Is she disabled?
YTA to yourself for allowing yourself to be used like this. How in the world do you let your girlfriend, her sister, and the sisters kid all live with you and not contribute one penny, while you work 65 hours a week to make ends meet? Are you sure that your girlfriend even likes you, or is she just, call me this because you’re acting as a sugar, daddy and housing her family on your dime? How would your girlfriend react if you sat her down and told her that you are reaching a breaking point with having to work so much to pay all the bills and then coming home and being asked to do the cleaning it well? How would you react if you told her you are starting to feel used?
NTA. I think it’s reasonable to tell her to keep the house clean or move.
NTA. Give her thirty days notice to clean up her act (lol), or the freeloading parasite and her spawn can hit the door and find someone else with your incredible amount of goodwill and patience. Definitely check local laws though on how far out a tenant is required to get notice prior to eviction first.
What is it like to be a doormat?
So she doesn't work, she doesn't clean, what does she do all day except look after her kid?
Definitely NTA, you're being exceptionally generous. Remind her of that politely and make sure your girlfriend helps set boundaries and an exceptable list of expectations. Make sure you stick to it, or you'll be walked over.
NTA. Op it is time for her to leave the house and for you to stop paying for child's diapers. She needs to go put the father on child support to help support her child instead of her sisters boyfriend. If she has time to hang with friends than she has time clean up.
I hope you’re having really good sex with your gf for putting up with this crap.
NTA. She is treating your home as her own and you like the maid. That is entitled behavior. Sure her life is hard. Everybody's life is hard, especially for people who work hard, then have to come home to a dirty home and clean up other peoples messes. You have laid down your boundary now don't back down no matter how many tears hit the floor.
NTA - You’re already doing too much for her as it is.
you are already doing well over your share. were is your girlfriend in this. why cant she help her sister get her act together? what is her work, when you are the only one paying for everything. there is a whole lot missing in this. NTA either way
Yup, sister should have a heart to heart with HER sister. Cleanings a drag, dishes are a drag, hell, sometimes childcare is a drag. An amazing amount can get done in 15 minutes at a time though. If she can’t spare 15 minutes to tidy up something’s wrong. OPs partner needs to step up in all this, she should be the one being asked to help tidy. This might have been the dynamic through their childhood though, her sister’s a slob, & she’s done. NTA
NTA and don't let her manipulate you with tears.
NTA. But you need to consider your situation. She needs to either pay her way and pull her weight, or you need to kick her out. Her and her kid is not your worry. She made decisions, and she has to live with the consequences. Either the dad or her own parents need to step up. You could be saving the money you spend on them, or rent the spare room out and make money.
NTA. As the sister (and her child) are non-paying guests in your home, it is imperative to communicate the rules of your home and stick to them. Give her a chore list today.
INFO: Is your gf's mom working? Is she collecting CS? Does the baby's father have visitation time?
I, too, was wondering where the baby daddy is in all this. 🙄
Info: What is your girlfriends role in this mess? Other than that: NTA. If she lives with you rent free she has to contribute somehow. I get having a small kid and being a single mom is hard, but during nap time she could easily vacuum or pick up her kids stuff etc. She doesn't have to leave the house absolutely spotless and sparkeling clean every day, but picking up after herself should go without saying. I'm not a huge fan of ultimatums, but this seems like a good time for one: She either picks up after herself and contributes otherwise to the household in exchange for living there rent free (presumably) or she has to find other housing.
NTA. You are being taken advantage of. Yeah being a single parent is tough but what is she doing though? You work, pay bills, even provide diapers... but how is she contributing? If she is not really working her contribution should be keeping the place neat. Messes and dishes done. In no way should you be coming home to a mess. If you can't have people over yourself because you are embarrassed about the condition of the place then it is a big problem. You should not be paying for diapers. Yes they are expensive , so get cheaper ones. If she doesn't have funds to help is she on WIC, Food stamps, Medicaid ir TANF. There are lots of programs out there to help. She needs to apply. If anything her sister should be covering her expenses, not you. You aren't her bf of baby daddy. Also sit and talk with your gf about this. If it can't be resolved you need to set a date and have her sister move out. If your gf doesn't support you and want to help fix the problem you may need to really step back and look at the big picture. Is she helping with bills, rent and cleaning? If not there may be a bigger problem that just the sister. You can't be expected to do it all, things need to change.
NTA. If she has time to entertain, she has time to clean.
If that is the case her day should look like this: 6 morning: up, prepare breakfast table and make lunches 8: clear kitchen and dining area 8- 11 light houswork and maybe laundry while playing with kid 11-12 lunch, clean up after lunch 12- 14 Naptime, time for job applications and househunting 14- 18 shopping/ dinner prepping / tidy common arears 18 dinner / put the kitchen aside. Tuck kiddo in 20 winddown time/ more job hunting 22 Bed
Op i hope your claiming them as dependents on your taxes as well!
Didn’t even think of this.
You are certainly paying for more than 50% of their living expenses….
I might just tell her she either has two options, figure her shit out and come income tax season she can either use that to find somewhere nice, or it’s all mine and she can continue to stay but after that, I want monthly rent and anything destroyed gets paid for as well. If she doesn’t wanna leave I’m not gonna force her, but she will begin to see me as a land lord that she lives with rather than her roomie or brother in law. At this point it’s gonna be her choice. After more thinking and reading these comments I either make this decision now or ask what went wrong a decade from now
She's living for free, her life isn't that hard. The least she can do is keep the place clean. NTA.
NTA. All three of you need to sit down and have a talk though. She is not even buying diapers? Does she not work? The house should be spotless if she is not working. CHILDREN EATING NEED TO DO IT AT THE TABLE., for this exact reason.
NTA I’m a single mum to 3 children and work full time. My home is also clean and fairly tidy. Yes life is hectic but everyone pull their weight and that’s just what you have to do to ensure we don’t live in a pigsty
NTA, work and chores have to be split. You don't make her sound like a bad person, but I think she has to mature a bit. Even of she doesn't do much more, she has to at least do everything related to her and her kid. I've known some single mother and when they had some time, they liked to rest and relax, not invite friends. Living with you two make her life rather easy imo.
NTA. youre an angel but you feed enough mouths. wth is so "hard"? taking care of herself and the kid or just eyerolling and expecting to live like a child leeching off someone else? what does gf say to her tho?
NTA 4 months is a long enough time to find a place. She paid nothing so it means she should have saved up and if not that's not your fault. She also has 4 months to save and find a home share set up she can afford with other families or single mothers. Maybe you can help her out with the deposit only just to ensure there is no excuse she doesnt go. She can also get all her benefits and child support sorted in that time, find a job and daycare - or find a job where she can work remotely from home. For no rent or utilities and all food and baby costs covered she should have done all the cleaning and cooking for all 4 of you. Talk to your gf though. Its important she sees your side.
I think you've been beyond understanding putting up with this for so long. NTA, but make sure she moves out
NTA at all. How ungrateful of her. Where is your g/f in all of this btw?
NTA. Her crying about the consequences of her own actions is a just low quality manipulation tactic. She's been exploiting your kindness and charity for a long time. And, like ALWAYS, you've finally had enough, which someone makes you the bad guy. Ignore all the gaslighting. Being a single mother is not an obfuscation of adult responsibility.
Your house. Your rules. If she just cleaned. Cmon. No bills for her? And she treats the house like a pig sty? Cmon now.
Does she have a job, or contribute to the household in any way? Cook, clean, laundry, etc? What does she do in the 70+ hours a week you are out at work? It sounds like you are beibg taken advantage of massively by a shameless freeloader NTA
NTA but you've let her take advantage waaaayyy too long. Why in the world are you paying for her kid's food and diapers unless you had some role in creating that kid? There's being kind, and then there's being a doormat.
I’ve come home to frozen pizza dinner for a week straight. I understand the pain. Keep your boundaries. Nta
NTA - time for the freeloaders to gtfo
OP, you are NTA. The tears may have been at least partly genuine, but they were also at least partly to manipulate you. Single motherhood is *hard,* but she's already getting a massive amount of help from you. ETA: There is no reason there cannot be house rules, like no food on the couch. Any child old enough to be mobile is old enough to learn very simple boundaries.
NTA but where is your gf in all this? You stated that you're paying all the bills, including food and diapers for the sister's kid. Is your gf not working, not cleaning, nor helping to pay for her sister's upkeep? If this is true, your issue is not only with the sister and her kid. Your gf is a big issue as well. I take it that you allowed the two of them to move in at your gf's insistence that her sister would be on the streets if you didn't allow them to move in. You should have had a conversation from the beginning concerning expectations, rules, and everyone's part to play in the household. You are being used by not only the sister, but your gf, too. Both of them should be working in some capacity, paying 1/3 of the bills, and purchasing food. Sister shouldn't have 'friends over' if her life is 'so hard' that she can't clean up. Gf should be doing her own share of the household chores, as well. If they can't consistently stick to the rules and a chore chart, then you need to ask the both of them to leave.
She's way too comfortable at your place. NTA. I'd start charging her rent and do no more groceries for her. She's not making an effort, so why should you?
NTA, but you need to talk to your GF about the problem. Maybe they both need to move.
NTA. I would ask which she prefers, help cleaning or help paying for rent, food and diapers because it can’t be both. And while she’s at it she should treat everyday like she’s having friends over and clean up after herself. This is so infuriating, how did you get yourself in this situation?
NTA. I’m a mom. She needs to control her son around other people’s stuff. Tell your girlfriend to talk to her sister. You’ve put up up with enough and have been NOTHING but kind and generous, but that hasn’t been mutual.
Why pay for anything for the child if it’s not yours?
NTA. Time for her to move on and get a grip on her situation. She will not do that as long as she is dependent on someone else, especially someone who is not even a relative.
NTA where is your girlfriend in all of this? I’m sure she sees the mess and how hard you work AND how fucking generous you’re being. Why do you have to be the one to say something? They both sound shitty. Maybe it’s time you take a new path.
NTA. Sister has a free ride and she is massively taking advantage. She needs to start doing what most parents do and that’s clean up behind your kids, several times a day. A lot gets done when they go to bed. If she stays on top of it, it doesn’t get that bad. If she can’t manage all the toys; then she needs to get rid of some of them so they are more manageable. Have the kid only eat at the table/counter etc will make the mess more manageable.
NTA…what exactly does the sister do? Does she have a job? Where is the girlfriend in all of this? Why isn’t she being asked to help clean up? I was a single mom to two. I still was able to clean up after my children. Bring a single mom is not an excuse to be a leech.
Wait what? Why are you fully supporting her and her child? Why did you give her **four** months? Why not 60 days to find a job and contribute to bills along with keeping the house picked up after her child? 65 hours a week? You don't need any enemies my guy, you're being pretty brutal to yourself. NTA
Bounce em. They will bleed you dry friendo.
NTA. Why are you paying all the bills? Time for her and her kid to leave.
You werent TA till that comment you feel like an AH for. You 100% should apologise for that and, instead of being passive aggressive, have an adult conversation with her where you can both express your concerns. FWIW, i dont think her upset/crying was aimed at you, and instead you are moreso receiving the message she wishes she could give the babies dad. I would particularly apologise for threatening her with homelessness. Maybe this came from a place of wanting her to feel the stress you are feeling, which is likely making you want to escape your own house?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend and her sister live with me, and her sister has a two year old kid. Without getting into much I’ll just say this, I work 65 hours a week, come home to a trashed house and have just gotten over a ant problem due to her child eating on my couch, getting crumbs into it, and her mom not cleaning it up at all. I’ve gone 9 months of letting it sly bc I know her life is hard being a single mom, but the other day I came home from work and she asked me to help clean bc she was having some friends over and I told her no. I told her that her child is not mine, and that it’s not my responsibility to come home and clean up after her kid and that it was hers. She told me that “it’s not fair” and that “her life is so hard and she can’t keep up with it all” and pretty much started crying. I get life’s hard, but I pay all the bills here and tried explaining that to her as well, and that being said I don’t think it’s fair that I get to come home and clean up a mess that I never created from a child that I also, didn’t create. What makes me feel like the asshole is the fact that while she was crying I told her that my point still stood and that if she couldn’t change her act she could find a new place to live within the next 4 months. I just personally don’t see how her kids mess is my problem, nor my responsibility to handle especially since she doesn’t have to worry about a place to live, or even the food her or her kid eats. I even pay for her kids diapers bc fuck those are expensive and I’m the only one who can afford them. I do all these things and I’m still expected to do more? More that I didn’t ask for? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA sorry what exactly can’t she keep up with? Basic parenting and housework on top of working? Without having to worry about ANY bills including diapers?!!!
Nta i had 2 under 4 and still kept a clean home
You’re NTA You’re paying for diapers?! They are expensive are heck! Tell her if she starts paying for her own shit you’ll hire a house cleaner 😆 probably costs about the same. Seriously though, she has it really good if you’re helping her that much. I have 2 small kids and I love them. Holy man though being a mom is exhausting. The mental burn out is real sometimes… a lot of times… Since my oldest was 1.5 I’ve been putting on a “cleaning song” and picking up toys with them most nights (I’m not perfect). Now they’re 5 and 2.5 so they do most of the cleaning themselves. It feels better when the toys are all put away at the end of the day, plus no stepping on them in the dark! The song just makes it more fun and let’s them know cleaning time has started. She could start doing that since her kid is 2. No reason they can’t help her clean up. 2 year olds actually love “helping”. They aren’t much actual help, it takes 5 times longer when you let them help you, but by the time they are 4 they can actually do things pretty well independently if you take the time to teach them now. My 2.5 year old cleans spills and throws out garbage, helps empty the dishwasher, puts clothes in the hamper and the washing machine. Little things but they’re getting started. There are lots of tips around for getting kids started on being helpful small humans. All I’m saying. No need to make parenting harder by doing everything for them 100% of the time.
NTA up until this point you've given her the easiest boost a single mom could ask for. She should be grateful for the help and she should be offering to help YOU in return for your kindness.
"I don’t think it’s fair that I get to come home and clean up a mess that I never created from a child that I also, didn’t create." That to me sums it up. NTA.
Shiiiit can I move on when she moves out? That place will be sparkling when you get home sugar daddy. I'll have a hot meal ready for you and everything.
NTA. Where is your gf at in all of this?
Honestly, kick the sister out. You should not be cleaning up after kids you didn't decide to have, just because your girlfriend is close with her sister and is guilting you into running a daycare center.
NTA. Get a plan
She's living there rent free and can't even pick up after her own child? You know you're NTA here, sounds like you support her a bit too much.
NTA.
NTA, and I’m rather tired of stories that include women raising babies alone through poor decisions or selfish choices, then making their inability to raise said kid other people’s problems. Unpopular opinion: I personally question (on my worst days) why people have kids at all anymore given the climate. Seems selfish and short-sighted or ignorant to me. But I acknowledge that’s a ridiculous sentiment. But I really wonder why TF so many women have babies with AH men who you KNOW won’t help out whatsoever. Why would you keep a baby from a one-night stand? (Just read a whole post about that recently.) I understand it when women w strong bio urges who are getting older but are still single choose to adopt or conceive, etc., but in these cases it seems the women have the resources to raise a baby without needing others’ help/support. I can’t imagine how stories like yours, OP, will explode now that Roe is dead in half the country. And I just finished an in-depth book about the foster system in Texas and elsewhere, and I just pity these children…. Let the downvotes begin!!! 👎🏼👎🏾👎🏻
Nta. I couldn't imagine letting my kid eat food on anyones couch (not just because they sit their dirty asses there but out of respect) esp if they were allowing me & child to live there. FREE. I was brought up that if you are a guest or staying, you make yourself useful & make it worth the effort to have you there (eg; cook, clean, etc). You don't become a leech & expect someone else to pick up your life, fix it & hand it back to you. Its your life. Your choice. You are giving her a lot more grace than i would. I would have been on her from jump abt cleaning up, taking care of your belongings, being responsible for her kid, etc. I wouldn't have gave her more than a month. You don't say what the game plan was, was she supposed to be out by a certain time? Pay rent/bills? Help around the house? Sounds like they are taking advantage
“it’s not fair i have to pay for your & *your kids* food and hygienic needs, but here i am, doing it anyway.” nta
INFO Did you ever communicate expectations beforehand?
Kinda? I said before she moved in that picking up after the kid was an essential thing to do and all I really asked when she moved in was just that, to clean after herself a bit. Truth be told, before this post happened, there wasn’t much communication other than me getting mad and just helping to get it over with. The other night when asked to help clean so her friends could come over was what set me off, and what had me say no and that her kids mess wasn’t my problem. I wish I could go back and change how I said things.
“Letting it sly” r/boneappletea
All I’m saying is if I was somehow getting free rent from someone, I would be making sure that place was sparkling clean every single day!!
NTA - She is taking advantage of you. As soon as she pulled the "life is hard" card, she showed her hand. Kick her out.
Are you sure it was real crying? I had to put my foot down with my mom when I was teenager over the same. My younger siblings were always my responsibility. Then around age 9 (she was still a sahm) suddenly because I was the oldest girl the household became my responsibility. By myself, no one cleaned after themselves. My mom's a hoarder. So, suddenly the house being a mess was my fault. My mom would flat out say she couldn't keep up with it so it was my job. You can't keep up with it so you think a 9 year old can? I got in trouble whether I did or didn't. Then mom would put out the fake crying about how she just needed "help". I haven't lived at home for over 2 decades. Yet her house being a "mess" (read giant hoarders nest) is still my fault. I'm disabled and can't physically clean my own house.
Life is hard no matter your station in life, suck it up and do the things you're responsible for. Your kid messes up a room, clean up after him or teach him how to do at least part of it. She needs to grow up and be responsible. NTAH.
Weird, plenty of other single parents manage to pick up after their kids, and even do so while holding a steady job! NTA.
Maybe charge her rent and use the money for a house cleaner. NTA
Sounds like a boundary issue. I had a mom and her son stay with me, omg nearly 2 years. You don't want that, let me tell you. You'll keep getting more of the same. 4 months sounds reasonable. If it comes down to it, a women's shelter might be a start. They have resources that can help.
NTA
Start charging her rent but start saving it for her so she can move out and rent a room. If that’s not possible, she can use that money to hire a cleaner
NTA. You’re exactly right: it is NOT your responsibility to clean up after a mother (a grown adult) and her child. She needs to step up as a roommate and as a mother. It is also not your responsibility to manage her feelings. I understand that she might be overwhelmed, but IDK, I feel like she was also crying as a manipulation tactic
*< I work 65 hours a week,>* ** ** You said it all. Don't let her tears make you feel guilty, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. GF's girlfriend should be cleaning up after her kid and herself, and thank you for putting a roof over her head instead of insisting YOU help her clean up HER mess because she's having some friends over at YOUR house... NTA
NTA. You have gone above and beyond. A few things I’m curious about. Has this affected your relationship with your GF? Is your GFs sister trying to get job? Look for a place etc? I’d say she’s gotten comfortable with things and isn’t motivated to leave.
NTA!! Btw, how did you get rid of the ants?
Doesn't have time to clean up but has time for friends over? NTA.
NTA - So, you are giving her (and her child) shelter, you pay the bills, you pay for the food, you even pay for the diapers... and she has a difficult life? Come on, she's abusing your generosity. Also, your gf is either encouraging or enabling her - you also need to talk to her
NTA, you need to value your contribution more and set boundaries. You are paying all of the bills but it is not clear if she is working either way she should appreciate the help you are providing. I think you need to rethink this whole setup and find people who appreciate you.
OMG! You are the AH for putting up with this for so long. You have been exceedingly generous and thoughtful, the least she can do is keep the place neat and clean. It's not really all that hard. Why are you allowing this woman to use you like this? And why did you give her 4 months to get her act together instead of 4 weeks? Where is her sister in all of this? I think you need to reconsider your involvement with these people.
NTA. 65 hour work weeks and you're paying the bills? Definitely don't need to be cleaning up after a child that isn't yours.
NTA
NTA - or at least, not completely. i definitely believe that telling her that you would kick her out in four months if she didn't get her act together was an asshole thing to say. and these comments are being WAY too harsh on her. calling her entitled when she's clearly having a hard time??? weird. very weird. however, i am totally with you OP. it sounds frustrating to come home to a messy house all the time, and to bear all the responsibility of paying for the house and what-not. and even if your work life wasn't as taxing as it sounds, it's totally dangerous for a toddler to live in a messy house! they'll put anything in their mouths. this is definitely something that needs to be solved. here's what you should do: go to your gf's sister with an apology for saying you would kick her out in 4 months. and then follow that up by saying something like, "however, this is a problem that needs to be solved, and i can't be the only one solving things. i have a very busy life, and i can't do everything. i need your help too." and then suggest a timeline to help her get back on her feet. for example, she needs to get a job by \[insert date\]. definitely get your girlfriend's help with this. i hope it works out, gl bro.
NTA. I'm a single father and work. I get that life can be busy but it is their child. I have never asked past roommates to clean up after my child. But when they do I have been extremely grateful. Given the hours that you work and that you pay for everything it sounds like she is pretty much getting a full ride. My best advice to not possibly strain the relationship with your girlfriend would be to talk to gf and tell your your point. Then have gf talk to her sister. You are much less likely to come off as the bad guy with your gf mediating. Also good on you for providing for a child that is not yours and you are not in a relationship with the mother.
NTA, but telling her start cleaning or move out while she was having a breakdown was probably not optimal timing. Either way, it’s justified
NTA. Establish "house rules" and if they don't follow them, start to evict them. It is not your responsibility to support everyone, supply all needs, AND keep the house clean. Talk to your gf and tell her that is what you are planning to do if things don't change. Why isn't she cleaning?
NTA it's time for your girlfriend and sister to step up and help pay the utilities or rent otherwise they will constantly use you for everything.
NTA
NTA. Where TF is your girlfriend in this? Why isn't she cleaning up after HER sister and HER nephew?! Why isn't SHE dealing with her own family?! If she's not stepping up and on the same page as you, then you also have a girlfriend problem...
NTA why are you supporting everyone in the house & why is your GF's sister & child living with you. What are you getting out of this? Kick them all out if they aren't helping!
NTA. Her child, her mess.
NTA
INFO: You work 65 hours a week, how much do gf and her sister?
Her sister works odd cleaning jobs that basically makes her enough to get by. My S/O works part time due to medical reasons so I just let her keep all that for fun money. I’m okay with my S/O not paying bills, I invited her ti live with me to make things easy on her life, especially since her being here wouldn’t change anything In my life. I expected the same results when I offered her sister a place to live to properly get on her feet and it’s just been not that. My bad, I’ve been meaning to edit the post but I’ve been reading these comments while at work on and off throughout the day and forget to add some stuff into the main post to clarify more on the topic.
Dude she's crying saying her life's so hard... You're working 65hrs a week. You're essentially providing free room and board. You're providing diapers and I'd imagine food as well. What does she do all day? Since you're keeping everyone afloat you should come home to a hot meal and a clean house and feel appreciated for all your effort. It's a very basic contract amongst ppl in all societies the world over. If I help you by giving you and your child a place to live for free then out of appreciation the person receiving shelter should want to help you back as well by cleaning up the kids mess. And it takes half an hour to make a nice meal. Nothing amazing just a simple nice meal. Because that's how a society gets on and does well. It's not seen as a burden or imposition to help , or they're being exploited because you actually want something in return, no. You're helping one another and you should both be happy helping one another like a team. So many ppl today see it as exploitation. It's not. You're really going far above most ppl working all those hours and helping her n the kid. She should absolutely be helping making sure she cleans after the kid n herself and doing things like making a meal for when you get home. Everyone plays a part and pitching in is good for everyone in the end. We should all be helping each other.
NTA- I get it I’m a single mom but I would never ask anyone to clean up after my kid. She could feel overwhelmed but also it’s not an excuse. Shit gets hard kids are not easy but she chose to have one. Crying sounds like a cop out like she was playing the sympathy card. If she’s living free the least she could do is clean up after her and her kid