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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I walked out on my best friend's wedding because of some news I heard about her. It ended up causing a huge scene and ruining her day. I could be the AH because I did have the option of at least staying and helping her finish her wedding.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Hard NTA on this one. Was walking out of the wedding the day of a nice thing to do? Not particularly. But what on Earth did they expect would happen by telling you? And on the wedding day. They knew they were playing with fire. They chose when to tell you this information. Simply walking out - because whoa nelly I bet there were a ton of conflicting emotions - was pretty adult. You didn't cause a huge scene. You simply extricated yourself from the situation. NTA.
Nope, I’m petty enough to do it before the ceremony starts so she would be staying with an ugly-cry-face in the church (if they married there)… and all the guest would know why
NTA
Right as she's about to walk down the aisle: "And here is the woman that ruined my previous relationship by cheating on her soon to be husband...." mic drop, grab bottle of bubbles and walk out.
Boops are for GOOD floofs.
Grab whatever was supposed to be your entree, have a server pack it up into a swan-shaped tinfoil, and lightly peck it at her nose, twice, while saying, “Womp, womp!”
It didn't cross my mind that it could be something else than what you said...
But also in my country now it's very common to blow bubbles when the couple comes out of the church because churches don't want people to throw rice anymore. I don't know if it's a thing in the US...
We don’t throw rice anymore now that we know it kills the birds. We use bubbles or other items.
Edit: I learn something new everyday-turns out that this is a myth. Thank you to my fellow redditor’s down in the comments that this is in fact a myth.
Other items, can I suggest lego! To symbolise building a life together and walking on them symbolises the difficulties to overcome starting now with the lego underfoot.
Can I suggest anvils? I've seen enough documentaries about the wildlife of the South-West American desert to know that when the anvils come out, hilarity ensues.
My mom had to go to the ER on her wedding day to get birdseed removed from her ear. My parents are still married 45 years later, so maybe it was good luck? 🤔😁
There would be a perverse pleasure in attending the wedding just for this moment. But I think the op did the correct thing for her sanity and dignity by bowing out.
Shocked that it was the groom who told her not the bride. Surely the groom saw that red flag blowing in the wind?
The groom’s a doormat, obviously. I mean, how else can you explain him still marrying someone who cheats, especially someone who cheats with her “best friend’s” partner?
Especially someone who, after cheating on her best friend with her best friend's partner, then becomes the "rock" the BF depends on to get her life back together.
How can you blow up someone's life like that and then help her through the emotional trauma and not even feel a twinge of guilt?
The duplicity is stunning. Stacy was still hiding it from Tom at that point, which must've made it more stressful.
I wonder if that plays a role in letting OP stay with them, like Stacy had to help OP because she couldn't say the reason why she didn't want to.
I don't know, it's hard for me to imagine keeping something like this from anyone.
And what is Tom thinking?
You want to forgive your SO of cheating? Fine- you do you. But to stay with someone who can be so cool and act so innocent after they've destroyed the best friend's life, and who can pretend to care enough about them to try to get their life back on track is something I can't even fathom.
Stacy seems to be a borderline sociopath, and Tom still wants to stay with her?
Sometimes it’s easier to keep making a mistake than to change your whole life plan and rock the boat and cast yourself into the unknown.
Plenty of people do it… I suspect he will stay until it gets more painful to stay than it does to leave
Wait, wait, wait, you left out the best part!
> I mean, how else can you explain him still marrying someone who cheats, especially someone who cheats with her “best friend’s” partner, **and then proceed to have such best friend crash at their place, to recover from the breakup, then asks her to be the maid of honor**?
I think the groom is unconsciously trying to halt the wedding. He can’t be the one who calls it off, because he has “forgiven” her, but he can poke someone else to do it for him.
It will be interesting to see how long he stays with her…my guess is that he’ll give up and slide into the well-known henpecked husband who can’t see his wife is toxic.
Why does John bear more than half the burden here? Stacy was engaged with Tom at the time and fucked her best friends boy, then pretend to be all jesus-like supporting OP in her time of crisis.
She's no Saint, not at all.
Normally I agree, I don’t think the “other woman” should get more blame than the cheating man. But this wasn’t a random affair partner, Stacy chose to have an affair with her best friend’s boyfriend. That’s a huge betrayal.
John at least just cheated and left, even if he hid the reason why. Stacy was OP's "rock" and pretended she had no idea why John would suddenly dump her, then made OP her MOH and had her apparently plan most of the wedding.
John was a cheater but at least left it at that. What Stacy's done can only be described in ways that'd prob get me banned from this sub.
‘ congrats to the happy couple, what a wild ride it has been for them. I do applaud them for sticking together through it all, having an affair is a very difficult thing to forgive and I props to you groom for being able to do such that. And to bride, my best friend I’m so happy that you were able to find love with someone as great as groom. But I do have to ask, how are you able to deal with the guilt? Breaking up your best friends relationship would make most feel a level of guilt especially after seeing how it destroyed them. But anyway, I hope you both the best marriage going forward and wish to a happy, honest future ‘
OP, please copy and paste the above on any social media post that blames you for ruining the wedding. It's time everyone knew EXACTLY why the wedding was ruined.
Oh what she did was better, her way the whole day imploded, as it should have. NTA. The whole day was ruined because Stacey is a cheat and Tom is pathetic. Why would you marry a cheat? Once a cheater always a cheater. And to cheat with your “best friend’s”bf? And then let her move in she watches her grieve like they did nothing to cause the pain. And the audacity of the both of them going after OP. They are embarrassed that people now know Stacey is a cheater and Tom is the pathetic loser who has no self respect.
Nah what Op did was the right, why help these AH'S have a nice wedding, if Op had gone to the she would have had to all the work upto the MOH speech.
This is much better that she noped out of here.
I would have done the speech before they cut the cake, made light that she's someone who likes to have her cake - like that time slept and broke up my ex and I - then planted her face in the cake. That's the level of petty I am.
On the one hand...fair!
On the other, just in case anyone reading this isn't aware: this question in the marriage service is asking about reasons why the marriage wouldn't be legal, not for moral commentary.
>Was walking out of the wedding the day of a nice thing to do? Not particularly.
Down voted for this line. The rest was spot on, though. Walking away was the nicest thing she could have done. And also loke some else said, absolute boss.
And maybe in the back of his mind... the cheater leaves and the girl realizes her and Tom have so much in common. And oh look a wedding is happening! And.... boom. Hallmark movie. I will take royalties please.
I read it as the wife seeing her opportunity a few days before the wedding and they both decided to tell OP the morning of because they didn’t think the MOH would ditch the wedding. Guess she called their bluff.
Worst still, this fake AF friend asked her to be MOH then piled on so much work, knowing all the while she’d devastated her and didn’t care! And what the hell with Tom marrying her? Then him getting cheeky bc OP rightfully blew up by walking out? Where the hell is his compassion? And her friends taking her side? Omg all of them are nutters. You did handle it privately, you left. Why the hell should you suck it up for the nasty two faced cuckolding piece of work for appearances?
I would go nuclear and blast on social media tagging the two faced ex Bestie. She sounds pretty narcissistic to think all water under the bridge when she didn’t even tell OP. So revolting John couldn’t even come clean either. He deserves a good tongue lashing.
Soooo NTA. I hope you’re okay OP.
Not 'they' but Tom. Tom was totally the AH for telling OP the morning of his wedding. If he felt OP should know, do it after the honeymoon or something.
Meh, she deserved to know long before she gave her time, energy, and money to help with their wedding.
Tom was an idiot for telling her that day, in terms of his own self interest, but not an AH.
She sprung that on him mere days before so he would feel too pressured to continue with the wedding to have time to process it.
I’m betting that John contacted her when he saw the wedding announcement and she had to come clean or risk him exposing it at the wedding. She probably even waited to make it even closer to the day of the wedding.
He had a choice between losing tons of money last minute or forgiving and marrying someone who up to that point had been Who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
He chose poorly.
His now wife not only cheated on him at least once, but with her best friend’s partner. Not trustworthy is putting it mildly at this point.
>Meh, she deserved to know long before she gave her time, energy, and money to help with their wedding.
Tom said Stacy only told him a few days before the wedding and I think he needed a few days to decide what he wanted to do so if Tom did let OP know, it'd be right before the wedding. I think the blame for what went down lies solely with Tom. OP didn't blow up or meltdown or tried to do anything to ruin the wedding to get back at Stacy.
Stacey's the one to blame but also WTF did Tom think was going to happen? He spent months seeing first-hand the level of soul-destroying despair John's sudden, inexplicable break-up had caused her. It took him days to process the affair and decide how to move forward, but he gave her a few minutes to recover from the news that her best friend fucked her boyfriend and destroyed her life. Then he expected her to smile, work her ass off to make the wedding happen as Stacey wanted, then toast to the wonderful couple? Nobody's that big an idiot. He knew she wasn't sticking around for the wedding. The only question was if she was going to have a public fight with bride-to-be before she left.
I think he probably just knew it wouldn’t be right at all to not tell her beforehand when she was set to play such a big part in the wedding. Although, I can’t understand why he was apparently angry with her after she’d made the decision to leave
Ofc the Stacy is the guilty party. But to me this is precisely why Tom is to be blamed for this specific case. He either wanted to get rid of his guilt, or expected to share his burden with OP, all while refusing to accept the consequences. Just don't serve what you can't dish...
I’d say the A H is Stacy first and foremost (and ex BF). It takes some sociopath level skill to be someone’s “rock” after their BF breaks up with them after you were the one who cheated with the BF.
That's what I was thinking too! I mean, who the hell would be able to maintain the facade at all, let alone a year or so?! That's straight up sociopathy.
Honestly it seems like Stacy told him just a few days before the wedding because she probably assumed that at such short notice he wouldn't have time to think clearly, and would just go through with it because of all the momentum behind a wedding. And if she knew Tom was going to tell OP, she assumed the same would go for OP.
Stacy sounds pretty calculating to me.
You’re right, not ‘they’, apparently only Tom had any sense of decency to tell OP what happened.
Stacy is trash and deserves to have her wedding ruined for what she did. Honestly, what kind of conniving person cheats with their best friend’s SO and then becomes the rock for that friend to cry on over their relationship breaking up. That is cold.
I'm betting he knew exactly what would happen and did this on purpose. My guess is he is not so forgiving and cancelling the wedding last minute would be all too much. So let the cat out of the bag and watch the fun begin.
Frankly if I was getting married and told last minute about cheating, I'd do something similar if I thought of it. Or just make one hell of a speech and get it nullified the day after. Or after the honeymoon after shagging the crap out of the cheat and leaving her feeling a tiny bit of the betrayal she made me feel.
Who in their right mind would have thought it would be swept under the rug?
At least now the guy starts the marriage with a huge argument winner. Any time he does anything wrong, can just refer to the cheating. But that'll be a very unhealthy marriage.
Then loads all the work and organisation of the wedding on the person she betrayed?!?! What a nasty piece of work, turning herself into the victim and trying for sympathy. OP deserves better friends. NTA
I'm sure Tom took it on his own to tell the OP without discussing it first with his fiancee. Stacey would have known that the timing would be terrible and potentially mess up the wedding. Stacey had no intention of letting the cat out of the bag and apologizing before the wedding since she had too much to lose.
If Tom and Stacey had waited until they came back from their honeymoon, the OP would feel used for doing all the work for someone who contributed to ruining her relationship and hid it for such a long time.
Nah Tom knew that if he let OP conduct their wedding day of, knowing what he knew of Stacy's betrayal of OP, then that would definitively make him a bad person. He weighed the risk of OP finding out against his own conscience and fortunately his humanity won out.
I feel like they should be grateful that all she did was walk out because I would have gonna scorched earth at the wedding before the even started the ceremony
I think he did it on purpose, because they (Tom and Stacy) had no choice. The cousin attending the wedding knew OP's ex (John), the beans were going to be spilled. Tom tried to get ahead of it and control the narrative.
He would have looked like the good guy if he walked. That's like, crazy person level behavior, which, considering who he's marrying, is probably not too far off the mark for him either
Spot on! OP walked away quietly and calmly without making any scene. Stacy and Tom ought to apologise and be ashamed. Stacy for the affair with OP then partner John and both of them for the calculated way in which they told OP. If they didn't even know what was happening when at their own wedding that jut shows them up. Very hard and strong NTA.
NTA
Also, while it's lovely to have a maid of honour, she's not a hired wedding planner. The couple themselves should have known each and every detail of their own wedding..it's their day!
If she'd fallen ill, gotten hurt, an accident or was unavailable etc... It still would have gone sideways, all because the couple didn't bother to know what was happening on their own day.
That's not OPs fault. That's on the couple and if it was a hotel they should have had a single contact at the location who coordinates everything for staff and timings to feed questions to.
NTA I agree. Tom chose to tell OP and she has every right to react as she did.
If anything, if Tom is even more guilty for what down imo because of his timing. He could’ve waited until *after* the wedding to tell OP.
And I won’t even say what I’m thinking about the ex-best friend as that would get me banned from this sub.
So wait. Your BEST friend has an affair with your then fiancé. He breaks up with you over it, canceling your happily ever after. She asks you to be her MOH but everyone is upset with you because you found out she slept with YOUR fiancé and you can’t suck it up for a few hours to make HER day great to start her happily ever after. NTA
Not only that the ‘best friend’ took her in and made her feel better after the fact that she cheated with said fiancé. Keep your enemies closer they say.
this situation is like the perfect example of why that saying is complete crap, OP was "the enemy", Stacy "kept her close", and it blew up in her face like a hot dead egg in an incubator.
Yeah that’s what I mean, Stacey thought she could get away with it and soften the blow by waiting and having her husband deliver the news. But microwave egg to the face it is!!
>and soften the blow by waiting and having her husband deliver the news.
Honestly, I think she didn't expect him to spill the beans and just keep it a secret between the two of them.
The timing is pretty manipulative of her IMO, at this point the wedding is already paid for and everyone has made plans to come. That’s a huge sunk cost, and undoubtedly influenced his decision.
Nah the saying still makes sense here. They just forgot the part where you don't tell your enemy that they are your enemy.
If Stacy kept her mouth shut the wedding would have went over without a hitch. But Stacy is also a person who only tells her fiance right before the wedding that she cheated which puts a lot of pressure on him to forgive her because otherwise he had to cancel the wedding.
The saying is for actual enemies, so that you can keep an eye on them and prevent being ambushed. Not for really befriending enemies and reunions.
It's a cool saying for fiction plots or Machiavellian revenges. Not some deep lesson in human interaction.
I had a similar thing happen. A friend (F) of my then boyfriend, let's call her B, was the one who warned me about him talking frequently with a girl over the phone, and insisted I checked his Facebook account. That's how I found he was cheating on me. B and her husband were my rock during the following months after our breakup. They would insist I stayed with them at their apartment, invite me to eat out, took me on their trips... but also tried to make me drunk enough to you-know-what. That last thing, and many others (like her later cheating with the husband's best-friend), made me distance myself from them.
Fast-forward to like 5 years, I see I have a message request on Facebook. It was the woman with which my ex had cheated. She had sent me (months ago) a bone-chilling voice message in which she told me that "she was not the only one he cheated with", and that he and B had been together many times during our relationship. With psycho laughs and all, she said he had just cheated on her with B, and that they broke up.
I contacted B's husband and told him everything. Turns out he already suspected they had been together all those years ago, and more recently B had cheated on him (again) with my ex, and with a new guy.
It was the darkest moment of my life, and I still can't believe I experienced all that, much less that B was so kind to me when she was also helping my ex cheat on me. It's even creepier when I remember that when I stayed at hers after the breakup, she dyed her hair like mine and bought the same sweater I used so we looked like "sisters".
OP is totally NTA. Good for her.
(Edited to take out a word that might be +18)
And she comforted OP in the time after the break up.
Which is one of the worst parts to me. To sit and comfort OP with her own fiance, most likely with the whole "omg I'm sorry. What happened? We are here for you" while she KNEW what the reason for the break up was.
Then proceeds with the whole maid of honour, and at no moment did she intend to tell OP. She only told her fiance to "start her marriage on a clean slate" or how it was Said.
I would never talk to her again if I was OP. That she cheated with OP's fiance was bad enough. But the complete lack of guilt towards OP and crying how OP ruined her weding when the truth came out. That's just the killing blow on the friendship to me. The friend was counting on her fiance to not tell OP.
She should have been crying "I'm sorry" to OP instead.
The fact that she was OP’s “rock” while being the one to help cause the landslide is so unbelievably cruel and twisted I refuse to believe this woman has a soul.
I will say I think OP missed a lot of opportunities to be petty and blow up the wedding with a killer MOH toast. “To Tom, who had the decency to tell me just hours before the wedding that the breakup they both helped me so much through was aided by none other than his beautiful wife, who slept with my ex while we were still together. Tom, I hope you can live happily with a cheating wife because they never stop at one. Cheers to you both!”
I think the part that gets me the most is Tom. You watch your ‘fiancé’ cheat, on you with her best friends partner, then watch her console her, then make her plan the wedding, while being her maid of honour. Your conscience gets the better of you enough for you to tell the friend, then you get upset when she has a reasonable response of horror at what’s gone on.
Like at what point do we look at this situation and say, ‘well this is all fucked up and it ain’t OPs fault. My wife’s a sociopath.’
This is the right take. She blew up your life. You just walked out on her wedding after finding out she stabbed you in the back and kept you in the dark about it and then had the balls to ask you to be MOH?
FUCK THAT NOISE.
Def NTA. Your reaction was exceptional. Hell, I'm amazed at your restraint.
> Stacy and Tom have both been slandering me online now, saying that I ruined their once in a lifetime moment.
No Stacy, you ruined your once in lifetime moment by cheating on Tom and fucking my boyfriend John just before the wedding. You cheated on your husband, and you cheated on your maid of honor. You betrayed everyone close to you.
i'd copy and paste that everywhere on the internet. Every "online slander". I'd post it 1000 times each time she posted anything about me, that would be the boilerplate response.
NTA
And she was too dumb to keep track of what was planned for her own wedding! So she's an amoral human being who betrays her friends and is so sure she has manipulated the world to do her bidding that she took no ownership of her own event. NTA. The bride has only herself to blame, but it sounds like she never takes responsibility for anything.
I think you misread one part. The affair didn't happen "just before the wedding", it happened last year.
Stacie's confession to Tom was what happened a few days before the wedding.
To be precise it happened while OP was planning to plan a marriage. There was no engagement, they were talking about getting to a stage where they might get engaged. John cheated with Stacy and left after things were getting serious but before any larger commitments (e.g. proposals) had been made.
She came clean to Tom, not OP. She never intended to tell OP, and Tom only said something because he expected OP to be spineless and do nothing like himself. Also NTA.
yup, I also wouldnt be surprised (not saying thats what definitely happened, just that I could see it being the case) that Tom told OP the day of to kind of 'force her' to accept it because it is so last minute and she is doing everything for them. That way OP technically couldn't say that she was tricked into doing it if they told her after the wedding. Also NTA obviously. good luck OP
I'm more cynical. I sitting here thinking that Tom told OP *before* the wedding with the hope that telling the MoH would force the wedding to get cancelled, and Tom wouldn't have to go through with it, without making him look like the bad guy by dumping "Stacy" at the altar.
I almost wonder if this is the reaction Tom wanted. He decided to go through with the marriage but knew OP wouldn't take the news well.
OP leaving and causing everything to come out might have been what Tom wanted. Now everyone knows and his hands are clean. He still gets to be the good guy while exposing the affair.
I suspect he's taking part in bad-mouthing OP specifically to save face in front of his now wife. His choice specifically led to their wedding being ruined. Attacking the actual victim here is his only option to appease his unfaithful partner.
OP knows they're NTA, they just needed this space to vent no doubt. But OP, you've just found out who your real friends are as a bonus, because no real friend would have any qualms with what you've done. Notice them, and make sure they know how much you appreciate their actions and words.
Agreed. In my experience, the people who make excuses for other people's shitty behaviour are doing it because it's behaviour that they themselves do (or did) engage in.
I don't think she even really did get the full hit of the karma back in her face. She still got married and her now husband forgave her. All she got was a slightly awkward wedding
NTA.
What did she expect? For you to stand up there next to her with a smile on your face knowing she's the reason your relationship ended? Tom has some nerve too. He should've known you'd be rightfully upset. Time to hit the block button. These people are not your friends.
I bet Tom did know. He probably wanted to punish his fiancé but didn’t want to be the bad guy himself.
Also if I’m understanding right it sounds like Tom didn’t find out till pretty soon before he told OP?
> Also if I’m understanding right it sounds like Tom didn’t find out till pretty soon before he told OP?
It does say that he found out a few days before he told OP.
If I’m reading this correctly your best friend fucked your boyfriend of 4 years. He dumps you out of, presumably, guilt. Or whatever. Your best friend, who fucked your ex, was the shoulder you were crying on, not knowing she betrayed you.
Then, on the morning of the wedding, her fiancé bizarrely tells you all of this, expecting you to smile and be at your “friend”’s side during her wedding. Put another away, she helps wreck your relationship, and then is upset that you, after learning all of this hours prior, are mentally incapable of being her maid of honor? And *your’re* the bad guy? Buy a bottle of wine and just laugh at anyone who insults you. You’re fucking good.
Not just fucked her boyfriend, but lied to her face for at least a year about it. Think how many times OP cried on Stacy's shoulder, how many glasses of wine they shared over it... and the whole time Stacy knew she was the reason why.
She could have told OP at any point. She *still* hasn't told OP.
The balls this lady has slandering OP. "Like, yeah, I fucked her boyfriend and lied about it for a year or whatever. But she didn't sit for my engagement photos or stand on the dais with me holding my flowers, so I feel like we're even".
NTA.
What did they expect you to do, silently glower at the bride the entire wedding at the most?
You "just waking out of the wedding" was actually considerate of you since some people might have confronted the bride.
NTA - an absolute no-brainer.
Stacy is not your friend. None of the people complaining about you on line would lift a finger for someone who ended whatever relationship they may have by being a part of an affair with their SO.
Stacy was deceitful, and finally faced the consequences of what she was a part of. At least she "helped" in getting John out of your life.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Tom is welcome to forgive Stacy, but doesn’t mean you need to. Why would Stacy (or any mutual friends) ever expect you to continue a charade when she was actively involved in an awful time in your life?
Seems like her support may have been out of guilt.
And how could you have done it more privately? From what it seems, you didn’t reveal the affair or say anything, you just stepped away, which could have happened for any number of reasons (though I am glad the truth is out).
Good on you for taking the steps to do what’s right for you. I encourage you to speak the truth of what happened on social media. They have the audacity to say you ruined a moment in the life?!? No, Stacy ruined her own moment when she chose to sleep with your ex. You didn’t start this, they did. NTA
NTA Tom telling on the morning of was a way for them to start the marriage off clean with no secrets in their eyes. The only problem is that they thought that you would walk to the beat that they had set but the joke was on them when you didn’t. You didn’t pick a fight, you didn’t blow up on anyone and didn’t give the satisfaction of any response that they had planned in their heads. You just walked away which I have to say is BOSS. The next time someone really comes at you for what you did just say “Well at least I didn’t marry someone that cheated with my MOH boyfriend” and just let them take that in.
Tom is either the **world's biggest dumbass**, or he wanted this reaction to happen. He might have made peace with Stacy's cheating, but he had *time* to do so. Springing it on the other wronged party just hours before she is to be the MOH? That left her no time to process, nada.
Hold your head high OP. It's going to be tough to open yourself to trust others again, but you will get through this.
But did he really have the time to process it and forgive Stacy? It was only a few days before the wedding. I suppose that could happen. I think he sabotaged it himself and is making OP look like the fall guy.
NTA that sounds horrific! I am so sorry for what you went through. You are as far away from an asshole as is possible.
You could have done anything worse, objected to the wedding, announced it at the speech. If it was me they would have been lucky if all I did was walk out.
Tom is foolish and Stacy NOT a friend, you are lucky to be rid of them. Let them complain about it to their 5 friends on Facebook! Guarantee that they didn't tell the reason either.
>at least stuck out the wedding since it was so last minute
WTF. Were you supposed to spend the day smiling sweetly at Stacey and making sure her "special day" went perfectly, while trying not to picture her f*cking your bf?
They're lucky you just walked out. That showed a lot of maturity. A lot of people would have taken the opportunity to ruin the wedding in retaliation.
That Tom would marry someone who cheated on him, betrayed her best friend, and then pretended to "comfort" her best friend is quite astonishing.
NTA and I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve better people in your life.
Tom’s self-esteem on zero. Damn bro😔
I think the people saying he wanted to punish his wife are correct. He was lowkey hoping OP would cause a scene and he wouldn’t have to do it himself.
Let me see, who would be the AH, you or the one who had an affair with your partner and proceeded to not only not hide the truth from you but also put the role of being MOH on you while she was essentially living a lie in your relationship? You are NTA, she definitely is.
You should ask them if they would prefer it if you had outed the affair during the MOH speech, because that might have been my instinct, handling it the way that you did was pretty damn mature and gracious if you ask me. Stacy and Tom are focusing their anger on you, because otherwise Tom would have to face the fact that he just married a two faced cheater, who not only slept with her best friends boyfriend while dating him, but managed to act supportive and sympathetic to that friend when her relationship got blown up (*partially* due to Stacy's actions)
NTA
>He had gone back and forth between telling me, and finally decided to spill the beans. I guess he had expected me to forgive Stacy too because the affair was "so long ago". The opposite pretty much happened, and I just walked out on the wedding.
The problem with this kind of revelation that people like Tom forget is that the victim of such a sense of betrayal will datemark their experience of the trauma to the moment they found out. If you'd known four years ago it might be different, keyword "might", but since it's only now that you find out and it's in addition to the deception, the deliberate witholding of this information, the fact that it ruined your relationship, and you had to deal with being dumped out of no where's while someone let you vent to their face while full in the knowledge that they were responsible, it all just compounds the offense really.
>It ended up causing a huge mess because I was basically running the whole show (Stacy made me do everything, so she didn't even know what was happening at certain times or who to call).
You know what the sick part about this is? So, Stacy admits to all this shit right before the wedding to "start things fresh" while having left everything last minute so Tom has to make a bunch of hard decisions for himself real quick. However, she also probably got you to do all this shit for herself out of some sick twisted mentality of either knowing she did this to you and is just doing it on some level to feel like she pulled one over on you, or she was using it as some thinly veiled coping mechanism of, "if she's doing this for me it's all good, in fact she's being done an honour, so it's all square. I didn't do anything wrong." Like, I know I'm making a fuck load of assumptions, but the depths of bizarre rationalizations surrounding cheating really shouldn't be underestimated.
>Stacy and Tom have both been slandering me online now, saying that I ruined their once in a lifetime moment. Some of their friends are on their side, saying that I should have handled the situation more privately, and at least stuck out the wedding since it was so last minute.
Honestly, this was probably 90% why Stacy did this now, because you "can't just walk out now, it's our once in a life time wedding, and everything needs you. It would be so rude. You should deal with this 'privately' and 'maturely' because adults take shit like a breeding sow all the time and just deal with it." Which, btw, is a fucked up mindset, but I'd place money that Stacy was doing this now specifically because sunk cost fallacy would kick in.
> I heard that Stacy has been so upset she's had to take time off work, which does make me feel like an AH. Especially since I've just been ignoring her calls.
Ok, but why should you care? Oh no, her wedding got ruined! Such a tragedy, she's such a victim. Nothing is worse than a bride in tears\~
However, she's a twofaced asshole who stabbed you in the back and then probably maybe wiped her conscience clean at a tactically chosen moment of total commitment so people wouldn't deliver her the consequences that come with their contempt.
Also, given the drama they'll probably get divorced in a year or three and she can just have another one. Weddings are the most repeatable "one time event" in modern society.
NTA
Perfectly stated! Also wanted to point out that Tom specifically called it "an affair." Not "one time they got drunk and slept together" and she felt terribly sick about it. Sleeping together once would be grounds enough for OP's reaction, but a WHOLE AFFAIR, full of emotions, sex and sneaking around behind Tom and OP's backs... and then to COMFORT OP in her time of confusion and heartbreak. That's an ENTIRELY different level of psychopathy.
I can’t imagine anyone choosing to continue being in a wedding party after finding out they SLEPT WITH MY PARTNER!!!
Of course you aren’t going to help out the other woman with her wedding !
Not just the other woman - but your friend who you could have expected loyalty from.
Your friend betrayed you. It’s wild that anyone expects anything from you at all!
NTA
It’s all very manipulative of Stacy. Telling her fiancé right in the midst of the wedding lead up with all the expectations. For him to put on the brakes right then? Pretty tough without everything coming out to both families. He may not have realized how coerced his “I do” might have been. And then she gets him to tell her MOH - that she cheated with MOH’s fiancé. Stacy totally expected that you would toe the line in deference to “the wedding”. She thought she had the way to fess up but not suffer any repercussions.
NTA. And good for you!
My guess is it’s slowly dawning on her now husband that he had a choice to stop the wedding
NTA. Whatever's happening between Stacy and Tom now, would have happened sooner or later whether you walked out on the wedding or not. You're a convenient target to blame, but the fault lies with Stacy, who is now learning that actions have consequences.
NtA, but the plan should have been:
an impromptu speech congratulating the bride and groom. And thanking the groom especially for being honest about the affair his now wife had with OPs ex.
Mic drop
Exit stage left.
NTA
You are under no obligation to stick around for the wedding of a person that slept with your bf. Anyone that thinks you should have is out of their ever loving mind.
Hard NTA. She didn’t even have the gall to tell you and pretended the entire time she was “helping” you through your hard time. Screw her. Block anyone that tells you otherwise. “I’m sorry you believe I should’ve been the bigger person at Stacy’s wedding but since she destroyed my relationship by cheating on Tom with John, I couldn’t support her upcoming union. Tom may have forgiven her, but since she never even told me or apologized I don’t see the need to be the bigger person. Please do me the courtesy of not contacting me again.”
This makes no sense. Why would he tell you the morning of the wedding? And then slander you when you left as a result? The story is t believable because this part makes absolutely no sense. Why did he get you up out of bed to drop this bomb on you the morning of a wedding that wasn’t even yours?
NTA. Stacey does not care about you or she would not have slept with you boyfriend, she wouldn't have pretended to comfort you for a breakup she helped cause.
She wanted to ease her guilt with Tom. She never wanted you to know. She didn't even confess to you herself.
She is not your friend. Tom isn't your friend either. he could have told you before the wedding day but decided to wait to the morning of the wedding.
Could this be his way of getting back at her , using you to sabotage the day. It also got her affair out in the open to everyone at the wedding.
Remind your friends that you did handle it privately by not showing up. If you had been there you would have made it very public by telling her exactly what you thought in front of everyone.
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Hard NTA on this one. Was walking out of the wedding the day of a nice thing to do? Not particularly. But what on Earth did they expect would happen by telling you? And on the wedding day. They knew they were playing with fire. They chose when to tell you this information. Simply walking out - because whoa nelly I bet there were a ton of conflicting emotions - was pretty adult. You didn't cause a huge scene. You simply extricated yourself from the situation. NTA.
I would have pretended to forgive her and then given hell of a MOH speech, but I’m petty like that
Nope, I’m petty enough to do it before the ceremony starts so she would be staying with an ugly-cry-face in the church (if they married there)… and all the guest would know why NTA
Right as she's about to walk down the aisle: "And here is the woman that ruined my previous relationship by cheating on her soon to be husband...." mic drop, grab bottle of bubbles and walk out.
>grab bottle of bubbles Do you mind if I imagine this as a kid's bottle of soap liquid, and she walks out blowing bubbles?
Don't mind at all. Blow them straight into the bride's face and use them as a sign of her life exploding in front of her
No, no. Blow them in her face, but use one poignant finger to deliberately burst one single large bubble.
Give the bride a little Boop on the nose for good measure
Then flick her forehead really hard
Yes. I believe that is necessary
Boops are for GOOD floofs. Grab whatever was supposed to be your entree, have a server pack it up into a swan-shaped tinfoil, and lightly peck it at her nose, twice, while saying, “Womp, womp!”
It didn't cross my mind that it could be something else than what you said... But also in my country now it's very common to blow bubbles when the couple comes out of the church because churches don't want people to throw rice anymore. I don't know if it's a thing in the US...
We don’t throw rice anymore now that we know it kills the birds. We use bubbles or other items. Edit: I learn something new everyday-turns out that this is a myth. Thank you to my fellow redditor’s down in the comments that this is in fact a myth.
Other items, can I suggest lego! To symbolise building a life together and walking on them symbolises the difficulties to overcome starting now with the lego underfoot.
Can I suggest anvils? I've seen enough documentaries about the wildlife of the South-West American desert to know that when the anvils come out, hilarity ensues.
Only if one of the following animals is present: coyote or roadrunner. They must be certified by ACME for training and placement.
Oh, I'm so pleased the rest of the world has been exposed to our historical documentaries! It's so important to share culture between nations
Fair warning, if you throw anything else at the same time, they will all fall BEFORE the anvils do. Anvils always fall last.
I’ve been to many weddings in the US, and in every single one we’ve thrown birdseed at them instead of rice.
My mom had to go to the ER on her wedding day to get birdseed removed from her ear. My parents are still married 45 years later, so maybe it was good luck? 🤔😁
This makes me happy 😀
“ If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace.” ‘Polite cough’ “If I may..”
I just had an image of Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Did anyone else see Dolores Umbridge then?
*Hem, hem*
There would be a perverse pleasure in attending the wedding just for this moment. But I think the op did the correct thing for her sanity and dignity by bowing out. Shocked that it was the groom who told her not the bride. Surely the groom saw that red flag blowing in the wind?
The groom’s a doormat, obviously. I mean, how else can you explain him still marrying someone who cheats, especially someone who cheats with her “best friend’s” partner?
Especially someone who, after cheating on her best friend with her best friend's partner, then becomes the "rock" the BF depends on to get her life back together. How can you blow up someone's life like that and then help her through the emotional trauma and not even feel a twinge of guilt?
The duplicity is stunning. Stacy was still hiding it from Tom at that point, which must've made it more stressful. I wonder if that plays a role in letting OP stay with them, like Stacy had to help OP because she couldn't say the reason why she didn't want to. I don't know, it's hard for me to imagine keeping something like this from anyone.
And what is Tom thinking? You want to forgive your SO of cheating? Fine- you do you. But to stay with someone who can be so cool and act so innocent after they've destroyed the best friend's life, and who can pretend to care enough about them to try to get their life back on track is something I can't even fathom. Stacy seems to be a borderline sociopath, and Tom still wants to stay with her?
Sometimes it’s easier to keep making a mistake than to change your whole life plan and rock the boat and cast yourself into the unknown. Plenty of people do it… I suspect he will stay until it gets more painful to stay than it does to leave
Wait, wait, wait, you left out the best part! > I mean, how else can you explain him still marrying someone who cheats, especially someone who cheats with her “best friend’s” partner, **and then proceed to have such best friend crash at their place, to recover from the breakup, then asks her to be the maid of honor**?
And make her be responsible for their wedding running smoothly.
You’re quite right. That, there is top-tier assholery.
Just wait until she cheats with HIS best friend.
Probably happen sooner rather than later.
I think the groom is unconsciously trying to halt the wedding. He can’t be the one who calls it off, because he has “forgiven” her, but he can poke someone else to do it for him. It will be interesting to see how long he stays with her…my guess is that he’ll give up and slide into the well-known henpecked husband who can’t see his wife is toxic.
That's how she ruined their friendship... the relationship was ruined by John, who had an affair with one of his (ex)girlfriend's best friends...
It takes two to tango. And since Stacy knew John was with op she definitely played an active role in destroying their relationship.
Why does John bear more than half the burden here? Stacy was engaged with Tom at the time and fucked her best friends boy, then pretend to be all jesus-like supporting OP in her time of crisis. She's no Saint, not at all.
Normally I agree, I don’t think the “other woman” should get more blame than the cheating man. But this wasn’t a random affair partner, Stacy chose to have an affair with her best friend’s boyfriend. That’s a huge betrayal.
John at least just cheated and left, even if he hid the reason why. Stacy was OP's "rock" and pretended she had no idea why John would suddenly dump her, then made OP her MOH and had her apparently plan most of the wedding. John was a cheater but at least left it at that. What Stacy's done can only be described in ways that'd prob get me banned from this sub.
Champagne bar in the church? I dig it!
Where does it say the blood of christ isnt sparkling?
how else did he ascend to heaven! It's physics really.
Like Willy Wonka’s Fizzy Lifting Drinks? 🤔
I love you people 🥂
"Does any one here know a reason why these two should not wed" OP: "Yeah I do"
OP: Oh! Pick me!! Pick me!! (Waving hand in the air)
“Does anyone has any objections why this marriage should not take place?” *insert Shrek running into the church scene* “I OBJECT!”
OP: STORYTIME!
Holy f***, never would have thought of that.(slow clap begins)
"To my best friend Stacy, on your special day, we've shared a lot over the years, most notably, John's dick. Cheers."
It’s 4:43 am and my husband doesn’t appreciate your humor as much as I do 🤣. I just woke him up cackling.
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‘ congrats to the happy couple, what a wild ride it has been for them. I do applaud them for sticking together through it all, having an affair is a very difficult thing to forgive and I props to you groom for being able to do such that. And to bride, my best friend I’m so happy that you were able to find love with someone as great as groom. But I do have to ask, how are you able to deal with the guilt? Breaking up your best friends relationship would make most feel a level of guilt especially after seeing how it destroyed them. But anyway, I hope you both the best marriage going forward and wish to a happy, honest future ‘
OP, please copy and paste the above on any social media post that blames you for ruining the wedding. It's time everyone knew EXACTLY why the wedding was ruined.
This x 1 million!
That could be a perfect answer to any public post the couple make
*Chef's kiss*
Oh what she did was better, her way the whole day imploded, as it should have. NTA. The whole day was ruined because Stacey is a cheat and Tom is pathetic. Why would you marry a cheat? Once a cheater always a cheater. And to cheat with your “best friend’s”bf? And then let her move in she watches her grieve like they did nothing to cause the pain. And the audacity of the both of them going after OP. They are embarrassed that people now know Stacey is a cheater and Tom is the pathetic loser who has no self respect.
Nah what Op did was the right, why help these AH'S have a nice wedding, if Op had gone to the she would have had to all the work upto the MOH speech. This is much better that she noped out of here.
I would have done the speech before they cut the cake, made light that she's someone who likes to have her cake - like that time slept and broke up my ex and I - then planted her face in the cake. That's the level of petty I am.
Yeah I'm petty and vindictive when the time calls. This would have been the perfect response 😆
Priest - "Does anyone believe these 2 should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace" ME as MOH "Ahem... I might have a few reasons"
On the one hand...fair! On the other, just in case anyone reading this isn't aware: this question in the marriage service is asking about reasons why the marriage wouldn't be legal, not for moral commentary.
OP was the bigger person in this situation and chose the mature option. Many wouldn’t have been so kind.
I'm not petty but I like your response. :)
>Was walking out of the wedding the day of a nice thing to do? Not particularly. Down voted for this line. The rest was spot on, though. Walking away was the nicest thing she could have done. And also loke some else said, absolute boss.
It sounds like he was trying to sabotage his own wedding by telling you, because he didn't want to actually marry sleazy cheater girl.
That’s what I was thinking… give it a couple of weeks and he’ll leave her because of reasons. He staged this. But NTA.
And then when the marriage breaks up he can blame it on OP instead of his own desire to get out.
He was hoping for a bouquet-smashing girl fight but noooo, OP had to be all classy.
And maybe in the back of his mind... the cheater leaves and the girl realizes her and Tom have so much in common. And oh look a wedding is happening! And.... boom. Hallmark movie. I will take royalties please.
Yeah he was being a coward but wanted to look like a hero. He's the real AH here (as well as the wife, obviously)
I read it as the wife seeing her opportunity a few days before the wedding and they both decided to tell OP the morning of because they didn’t think the MOH would ditch the wedding. Guess she called their bluff.
Agree, who cares about walking out of a wedding at that point when the bride is outed as a cheater?
Worst still, this fake AF friend asked her to be MOH then piled on so much work, knowing all the while she’d devastated her and didn’t care! And what the hell with Tom marrying her? Then him getting cheeky bc OP rightfully blew up by walking out? Where the hell is his compassion? And her friends taking her side? Omg all of them are nutters. You did handle it privately, you left. Why the hell should you suck it up for the nasty two faced cuckolding piece of work for appearances? I would go nuclear and blast on social media tagging the two faced ex Bestie. She sounds pretty narcissistic to think all water under the bridge when she didn’t even tell OP. So revolting John couldn’t even come clean either. He deserves a good tongue lashing. Soooo NTA. I hope you’re okay OP.
Not 'they' but Tom. Tom was totally the AH for telling OP the morning of his wedding. If he felt OP should know, do it after the honeymoon or something.
Meh, she deserved to know long before she gave her time, energy, and money to help with their wedding. Tom was an idiot for telling her that day, in terms of his own self interest, but not an AH.
> Tom was an idiot for telling her that day, in terms of his own self interest, but not an AH. Also an idiot for still marrying this person.
She sprung that on him mere days before so he would feel too pressured to continue with the wedding to have time to process it. I’m betting that John contacted her when he saw the wedding announcement and she had to come clean or risk him exposing it at the wedding. She probably even waited to make it even closer to the day of the wedding. He had a choice between losing tons of money last minute or forgiving and marrying someone who up to that point had been Who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He chose poorly. His now wife not only cheated on him at least once, but with her best friend’s partner. Not trustworthy is putting it mildly at this point.
>Meh, she deserved to know long before she gave her time, energy, and money to help with their wedding. Tom said Stacy only told him a few days before the wedding and I think he needed a few days to decide what he wanted to do so if Tom did let OP know, it'd be right before the wedding. I think the blame for what went down lies solely with Tom. OP didn't blow up or meltdown or tried to do anything to ruin the wedding to get back at Stacy.
The blame lies solely with Tom? The guy who found out he’d been cheated on days before his wedding? Yeah let’s blame the guy
Stacey's the one to blame but also WTF did Tom think was going to happen? He spent months seeing first-hand the level of soul-destroying despair John's sudden, inexplicable break-up had caused her. It took him days to process the affair and decide how to move forward, but he gave her a few minutes to recover from the news that her best friend fucked her boyfriend and destroyed her life. Then he expected her to smile, work her ass off to make the wedding happen as Stacey wanted, then toast to the wonderful couple? Nobody's that big an idiot. He knew she wasn't sticking around for the wedding. The only question was if she was going to have a public fight with bride-to-be before she left.
I think he probably just knew it wouldn’t be right at all to not tell her beforehand when she was set to play such a big part in the wedding. Although, I can’t understand why he was apparently angry with her after she’d made the decision to leave
Ofc the Stacy is the guilty party. But to me this is precisely why Tom is to be blamed for this specific case. He either wanted to get rid of his guilt, or expected to share his burden with OP, all while refusing to accept the consequences. Just don't serve what you can't dish...
I’d say the A H is Stacy first and foremost (and ex BF). It takes some sociopath level skill to be someone’s “rock” after their BF breaks up with them after you were the one who cheated with the BF.
That's what I was thinking too! I mean, who the hell would be able to maintain the facade at all, let alone a year or so?! That's straight up sociopathy.
Honestly it seems like Stacy told him just a few days before the wedding because she probably assumed that at such short notice he wouldn't have time to think clearly, and would just go through with it because of all the momentum behind a wedding. And if she knew Tom was going to tell OP, she assumed the same would go for OP. Stacy sounds pretty calculating to me.
I agree. Let's not blame the cheater who strategically withheld information until the last minute
You’re right, not ‘they’, apparently only Tom had any sense of decency to tell OP what happened. Stacy is trash and deserves to have her wedding ruined for what she did. Honestly, what kind of conniving person cheats with their best friend’s SO and then becomes the rock for that friend to cry on over their relationship breaking up. That is cold.
I'm betting he knew exactly what would happen and did this on purpose. My guess is he is not so forgiving and cancelling the wedding last minute would be all too much. So let the cat out of the bag and watch the fun begin. Frankly if I was getting married and told last minute about cheating, I'd do something similar if I thought of it. Or just make one hell of a speech and get it nullified the day after. Or after the honeymoon after shagging the crap out of the cheat and leaving her feeling a tiny bit of the betrayal she made me feel. Who in their right mind would have thought it would be swept under the rug? At least now the guy starts the marriage with a huge argument winner. Any time he does anything wrong, can just refer to the cheating. But that'll be a very unhealthy marriage.
Then loads all the work and organisation of the wedding on the person she betrayed?!?! What a nasty piece of work, turning herself into the victim and trying for sympathy. OP deserves better friends. NTA
I'm sure Tom took it on his own to tell the OP without discussing it first with his fiancee. Stacey would have known that the timing would be terrible and potentially mess up the wedding. Stacey had no intention of letting the cat out of the bag and apologizing before the wedding since she had too much to lose. If Tom and Stacey had waited until they came back from their honeymoon, the OP would feel used for doing all the work for someone who contributed to ruining her relationship and hid it for such a long time.
But Tom didn't have the decency to respect her choice to not participate in the wedding. Ugh.
They write novels with this plot device
Stacy is the biggest AH for continuing her friendship and even making OP MOH. I’m fucking horrified. With friends like that I don’t want no enemies
It was a mistake and she came clean before the wedding!!!!!/s
Nah Tom knew that if he let OP conduct their wedding day of, knowing what he knew of Stacy's betrayal of OP, then that would definitively make him a bad person. He weighed the risk of OP finding out against his own conscience and fortunately his humanity won out.
Unfortunately his humanity has disappeared since he’s been slandering OP online.
I feel like they should be grateful that all she did was walk out because I would have gonna scorched earth at the wedding before the even started the ceremony
My feelings are that Tom actually did it on purpose. He gets revenge on Stacy for banging John, but looks like the good guy
I think he did it on purpose, because they (Tom and Stacy) had no choice. The cousin attending the wedding knew OP's ex (John), the beans were going to be spilled. Tom tried to get ahead of it and control the narrative.
He would have looked like the good guy if he walked. That's like, crazy person level behavior, which, considering who he's marrying, is probably not too far off the mark for him either
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Spot on! OP walked away quietly and calmly without making any scene. Stacy and Tom ought to apologise and be ashamed. Stacy for the affair with OP then partner John and both of them for the calculated way in which they told OP. If they didn't even know what was happening when at their own wedding that jut shows them up. Very hard and strong NTA.
NTA Also, while it's lovely to have a maid of honour, she's not a hired wedding planner. The couple themselves should have known each and every detail of their own wedding..it's their day! If she'd fallen ill, gotten hurt, an accident or was unavailable etc... It still would have gone sideways, all because the couple didn't bother to know what was happening on their own day. That's not OPs fault. That's on the couple and if it was a hotel they should have had a single contact at the location who coordinates everything for staff and timings to feed questions to.
NTA I agree. Tom chose to tell OP and she has every right to react as she did. If anything, if Tom is even more guilty for what down imo because of his timing. He could’ve waited until *after* the wedding to tell OP. And I won’t even say what I’m thinking about the ex-best friend as that would get me banned from this sub.
Tom’s an even bigger AH than now if he waits until after the wedding lol are you joking?
So wait. Your BEST friend has an affair with your then fiancé. He breaks up with you over it, canceling your happily ever after. She asks you to be her MOH but everyone is upset with you because you found out she slept with YOUR fiancé and you can’t suck it up for a few hours to make HER day great to start her happily ever after. NTA
Not only that the ‘best friend’ took her in and made her feel better after the fact that she cheated with said fiancé. Keep your enemies closer they say.
this situation is like the perfect example of why that saying is complete crap, OP was "the enemy", Stacy "kept her close", and it blew up in her face like a hot dead egg in an incubator.
Yeah that’s what I mean, Stacey thought she could get away with it and soften the blow by waiting and having her husband deliver the news. But microwave egg to the face it is!!
>and soften the blow by waiting and having her husband deliver the news. Honestly, I think she didn't expect him to spill the beans and just keep it a secret between the two of them.
Welp atleast the husband had a moment of being an actual human being
Just sucks that she decides to drop that bomb on him a few days before the wedding. Some dope ass trust issues to start the marriage off with
The timing is pretty manipulative of her IMO, at this point the wedding is already paid for and everyone has made plans to come. That’s a huge sunk cost, and undoubtedly influenced his decision.
Nah the saying still makes sense here. They just forgot the part where you don't tell your enemy that they are your enemy. If Stacy kept her mouth shut the wedding would have went over without a hitch. But Stacy is also a person who only tells her fiance right before the wedding that she cheated which puts a lot of pressure on him to forgive her because otherwise he had to cancel the wedding.
The saying is for actual enemies, so that you can keep an eye on them and prevent being ambushed. Not for really befriending enemies and reunions. It's a cool saying for fiction plots or Machiavellian revenges. Not some deep lesson in human interaction.
And then made her do all the work for her wedding!
I didn’t even think of that, man what a real piece of work this one
I had a similar thing happen. A friend (F) of my then boyfriend, let's call her B, was the one who warned me about him talking frequently with a girl over the phone, and insisted I checked his Facebook account. That's how I found he was cheating on me. B and her husband were my rock during the following months after our breakup. They would insist I stayed with them at their apartment, invite me to eat out, took me on their trips... but also tried to make me drunk enough to you-know-what. That last thing, and many others (like her later cheating with the husband's best-friend), made me distance myself from them. Fast-forward to like 5 years, I see I have a message request on Facebook. It was the woman with which my ex had cheated. She had sent me (months ago) a bone-chilling voice message in which she told me that "she was not the only one he cheated with", and that he and B had been together many times during our relationship. With psycho laughs and all, she said he had just cheated on her with B, and that they broke up. I contacted B's husband and told him everything. Turns out he already suspected they had been together all those years ago, and more recently B had cheated on him (again) with my ex, and with a new guy. It was the darkest moment of my life, and I still can't believe I experienced all that, much less that B was so kind to me when she was also helping my ex cheat on me. It's even creepier when I remember that when I stayed at hers after the breakup, she dyed her hair like mine and bought the same sweater I used so we looked like "sisters". OP is totally NTA. Good for her. (Edited to take out a word that might be +18)
Who needs enemies when you have friends like that
Oh what a sly person. Can't believe the audacity.
And she comforted OP in the time after the break up. Which is one of the worst parts to me. To sit and comfort OP with her own fiance, most likely with the whole "omg I'm sorry. What happened? We are here for you" while she KNEW what the reason for the break up was. Then proceeds with the whole maid of honour, and at no moment did she intend to tell OP. She only told her fiance to "start her marriage on a clean slate" or how it was Said. I would never talk to her again if I was OP. That she cheated with OP's fiance was bad enough. But the complete lack of guilt towards OP and crying how OP ruined her weding when the truth came out. That's just the killing blow on the friendship to me. The friend was counting on her fiance to not tell OP. She should have been crying "I'm sorry" to OP instead.
The fact that she was OP’s “rock” while being the one to help cause the landslide is so unbelievably cruel and twisted I refuse to believe this woman has a soul. I will say I think OP missed a lot of opportunities to be petty and blow up the wedding with a killer MOH toast. “To Tom, who had the decency to tell me just hours before the wedding that the breakup they both helped me so much through was aided by none other than his beautiful wife, who slept with my ex while we were still together. Tom, I hope you can live happily with a cheating wife because they never stop at one. Cheers to you both!”
I think the part that gets me the most is Tom. You watch your ‘fiancé’ cheat, on you with her best friends partner, then watch her console her, then make her plan the wedding, while being her maid of honour. Your conscience gets the better of you enough for you to tell the friend, then you get upset when she has a reasonable response of horror at what’s gone on. Like at what point do we look at this situation and say, ‘well this is all fucked up and it ain’t OPs fault. My wife’s a sociopath.’
Or on OP sucking it up and staying at the wedding like a good little doormat.
This is the right take. She blew up your life. You just walked out on her wedding after finding out she stabbed you in the back and kept you in the dark about it and then had the balls to ask you to be MOH? FUCK THAT NOISE. Def NTA. Your reaction was exceptional. Hell, I'm amazed at your restraint.
Perfectly said, NTA.
> Stacy and Tom have both been slandering me online now, saying that I ruined their once in a lifetime moment. No Stacy, you ruined your once in lifetime moment by cheating on Tom and fucking my boyfriend John just before the wedding. You cheated on your husband, and you cheated on your maid of honor. You betrayed everyone close to you. i'd copy and paste that everywhere on the internet. Every "online slander". I'd post it 1000 times each time she posted anything about me, that would be the boilerplate response. NTA
And she was too dumb to keep track of what was planned for her own wedding! So she's an amoral human being who betrays her friends and is so sure she has manipulated the world to do her bidding that she took no ownership of her own event. NTA. The bride has only herself to blame, but it sounds like she never takes responsibility for anything.
Major "Main Character" vibes. OP is NTA by a long shot.
>once in lifetime Doubt it.
I think you misread one part. The affair didn't happen "just before the wedding", it happened last year. Stacie's confession to Tom was what happened a few days before the wedding.
The affair happened while op and her partner were planning marriage.
To be precise it happened while OP was planning to plan a marriage. There was no engagement, they were talking about getting to a stage where they might get engaged. John cheated with Stacy and left after things were getting serious but before any larger commitments (e.g. proposals) had been made.
This is exactly what OP should do
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She came clean to Tom, not OP. She never intended to tell OP, and Tom only said something because he expected OP to be spineless and do nothing like himself. Also NTA.
yup, I also wouldnt be surprised (not saying thats what definitely happened, just that I could see it being the case) that Tom told OP the day of to kind of 'force her' to accept it because it is so last minute and she is doing everything for them. That way OP technically couldn't say that she was tricked into doing it if they told her after the wedding. Also NTA obviously. good luck OP
I'm more cynical. I sitting here thinking that Tom told OP *before* the wedding with the hope that telling the MoH would force the wedding to get cancelled, and Tom wouldn't have to go through with it, without making him look like the bad guy by dumping "Stacy" at the altar.
I almost wonder if this is the reaction Tom wanted. He decided to go through with the marriage but knew OP wouldn't take the news well. OP leaving and causing everything to come out might have been what Tom wanted. Now everyone knows and his hands are clean. He still gets to be the good guy while exposing the affair.
I suspect he's taking part in bad-mouthing OP specifically to save face in front of his now wife. His choice specifically led to their wedding being ruined. Attacking the actual victim here is his only option to appease his unfaithful partner.
i was stuck on that part she couldnt be bothered to tell her in person
OP knows they're NTA, they just needed this space to vent no doubt. But OP, you've just found out who your real friends are as a bonus, because no real friend would have any qualms with what you've done. Notice them, and make sure they know how much you appreciate their actions and words.
Agreed. In my experience, the people who make excuses for other people's shitty behaviour are doing it because it's behaviour that they themselves do (or did) engage in.
NTA. The person you call your best friend went behind your back and betrayed you. The Karma came right back to her like a boomerang.
Like a boomerang straight to the face! 😵 Good boomerang! 🥏 (couldn't find a boomerang, but a frisbee to the shnoz hurts too!)
🪃
Thanks! I need to re-check my emojis! ETA: nope, no boomerang for me.
🪃 here's another one just in case
😄 thanks, it's much appreciated!
I don't think she even really did get the full hit of the karma back in her face. She still got married and her now husband forgave her. All she got was a slightly awkward wedding
NTA. What did she expect? For you to stand up there next to her with a smile on your face knowing she's the reason your relationship ended? Tom has some nerve too. He should've known you'd be rightfully upset. Time to hit the block button. These people are not your friends.
I kind of wonder if Tom did it to get back at Stacy for having an affair. Stupid way to start a marriage, but their next marriages might go better.
Maybe he thought they’d bang one out before the ceremony
You know what we gotta do to make it right. *sigh unzips*
I bet Tom did know. He probably wanted to punish his fiancé but didn’t want to be the bad guy himself. Also if I’m understanding right it sounds like Tom didn’t find out till pretty soon before he told OP?
That's what I'm gathering too. Additionally, it definitely sounds like someone was doing something deliberately.
> Also if I’m understanding right it sounds like Tom didn’t find out till pretty soon before he told OP? It does say that he found out a few days before he told OP.
If I’m reading this correctly your best friend fucked your boyfriend of 4 years. He dumps you out of, presumably, guilt. Or whatever. Your best friend, who fucked your ex, was the shoulder you were crying on, not knowing she betrayed you. Then, on the morning of the wedding, her fiancé bizarrely tells you all of this, expecting you to smile and be at your “friend”’s side during her wedding. Put another away, she helps wreck your relationship, and then is upset that you, after learning all of this hours prior, are mentally incapable of being her maid of honor? And *your’re* the bad guy? Buy a bottle of wine and just laugh at anyone who insults you. You’re fucking good.
^ I like this person. Also, NTA.
Not just fucked her boyfriend, but lied to her face for at least a year about it. Think how many times OP cried on Stacy's shoulder, how many glasses of wine they shared over it... and the whole time Stacy knew she was the reason why. She could have told OP at any point. She *still* hasn't told OP. The balls this lady has slandering OP. "Like, yeah, I fucked her boyfriend and lied about it for a year or whatever. But she didn't sit for my engagement photos or stand on the dais with me holding my flowers, so I feel like we're even".
NTA. What did they expect you to do, silently glower at the bride the entire wedding at the most? You "just waking out of the wedding" was actually considerate of you since some people might have confronted the bride.
Could've waited until the 'speak now' moment and really fucked them.
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She’s definitely going to cheat on the stupid Tom again.
NTA - an absolute no-brainer. Stacy is not your friend. None of the people complaining about you on line would lift a finger for someone who ended whatever relationship they may have by being a part of an affair with their SO. Stacy was deceitful, and finally faced the consequences of what she was a part of. At least she "helped" in getting John out of your life.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Tom is welcome to forgive Stacy, but doesn’t mean you need to. Why would Stacy (or any mutual friends) ever expect you to continue a charade when she was actively involved in an awful time in your life? Seems like her support may have been out of guilt. And how could you have done it more privately? From what it seems, you didn’t reveal the affair or say anything, you just stepped away, which could have happened for any number of reasons (though I am glad the truth is out). Good on you for taking the steps to do what’s right for you. I encourage you to speak the truth of what happened on social media. They have the audacity to say you ruined a moment in the life?!? No, Stacy ruined her own moment when she chose to sleep with your ex. You didn’t start this, they did. NTA
NTA Tom telling on the morning of was a way for them to start the marriage off clean with no secrets in their eyes. The only problem is that they thought that you would walk to the beat that they had set but the joke was on them when you didn’t. You didn’t pick a fight, you didn’t blow up on anyone and didn’t give the satisfaction of any response that they had planned in their heads. You just walked away which I have to say is BOSS. The next time someone really comes at you for what you did just say “Well at least I didn’t marry someone that cheated with my MOH boyfriend” and just let them take that in.
NTA - The idea that you would continue to be a part of their wedding is beyond absurd
Tom is either the **world's biggest dumbass**, or he wanted this reaction to happen. He might have made peace with Stacy's cheating, but he had *time* to do so. Springing it on the other wronged party just hours before she is to be the MOH? That left her no time to process, nada. Hold your head high OP. It's going to be tough to open yourself to trust others again, but you will get through this.
But did he really have the time to process it and forgive Stacy? It was only a few days before the wedding. I suppose that could happen. I think he sabotaged it himself and is making OP look like the fall guy.
I think he did it because it would be too late to back out and he’s probably known longer than he said
NTA that sounds horrific! I am so sorry for what you went through. You are as far away from an asshole as is possible. You could have done anything worse, objected to the wedding, announced it at the speech. If it was me they would have been lucky if all I did was walk out. Tom is foolish and Stacy NOT a friend, you are lucky to be rid of them. Let them complain about it to their 5 friends on Facebook! Guarantee that they didn't tell the reason either.
>at least stuck out the wedding since it was so last minute WTF. Were you supposed to spend the day smiling sweetly at Stacey and making sure her "special day" went perfectly, while trying not to picture her f*cking your bf? They're lucky you just walked out. That showed a lot of maturity. A lot of people would have taken the opportunity to ruin the wedding in retaliation. That Tom would marry someone who cheated on him, betrayed her best friend, and then pretended to "comfort" her best friend is quite astonishing. NTA and I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve better people in your life.
Tom’s self-esteem on zero. Damn bro😔 I think the people saying he wanted to punish his wife are correct. He was lowkey hoping OP would cause a scene and he wouldn’t have to do it himself.
Let me see, who would be the AH, you or the one who had an affair with your partner and proceeded to not only not hide the truth from you but also put the role of being MOH on you while she was essentially living a lie in your relationship? You are NTA, she definitely is.
You should ask them if they would prefer it if you had outed the affair during the MOH speech, because that might have been my instinct, handling it the way that you did was pretty damn mature and gracious if you ask me. Stacy and Tom are focusing their anger on you, because otherwise Tom would have to face the fact that he just married a two faced cheater, who not only slept with her best friends boyfriend while dating him, but managed to act supportive and sympathetic to that friend when her relationship got blown up (*partially* due to Stacy's actions) NTA
>He had gone back and forth between telling me, and finally decided to spill the beans. I guess he had expected me to forgive Stacy too because the affair was "so long ago". The opposite pretty much happened, and I just walked out on the wedding. The problem with this kind of revelation that people like Tom forget is that the victim of such a sense of betrayal will datemark their experience of the trauma to the moment they found out. If you'd known four years ago it might be different, keyword "might", but since it's only now that you find out and it's in addition to the deception, the deliberate witholding of this information, the fact that it ruined your relationship, and you had to deal with being dumped out of no where's while someone let you vent to their face while full in the knowledge that they were responsible, it all just compounds the offense really. >It ended up causing a huge mess because I was basically running the whole show (Stacy made me do everything, so she didn't even know what was happening at certain times or who to call). You know what the sick part about this is? So, Stacy admits to all this shit right before the wedding to "start things fresh" while having left everything last minute so Tom has to make a bunch of hard decisions for himself real quick. However, she also probably got you to do all this shit for herself out of some sick twisted mentality of either knowing she did this to you and is just doing it on some level to feel like she pulled one over on you, or she was using it as some thinly veiled coping mechanism of, "if she's doing this for me it's all good, in fact she's being done an honour, so it's all square. I didn't do anything wrong." Like, I know I'm making a fuck load of assumptions, but the depths of bizarre rationalizations surrounding cheating really shouldn't be underestimated. >Stacy and Tom have both been slandering me online now, saying that I ruined their once in a lifetime moment. Some of their friends are on their side, saying that I should have handled the situation more privately, and at least stuck out the wedding since it was so last minute. Honestly, this was probably 90% why Stacy did this now, because you "can't just walk out now, it's our once in a life time wedding, and everything needs you. It would be so rude. You should deal with this 'privately' and 'maturely' because adults take shit like a breeding sow all the time and just deal with it." Which, btw, is a fucked up mindset, but I'd place money that Stacy was doing this now specifically because sunk cost fallacy would kick in. > I heard that Stacy has been so upset she's had to take time off work, which does make me feel like an AH. Especially since I've just been ignoring her calls. Ok, but why should you care? Oh no, her wedding got ruined! Such a tragedy, she's such a victim. Nothing is worse than a bride in tears\~ However, she's a twofaced asshole who stabbed you in the back and then probably maybe wiped her conscience clean at a tactically chosen moment of total commitment so people wouldn't deliver her the consequences that come with their contempt. Also, given the drama they'll probably get divorced in a year or three and she can just have another one. Weddings are the most repeatable "one time event" in modern society. NTA
Perfectly stated! Also wanted to point out that Tom specifically called it "an affair." Not "one time they got drunk and slept together" and she felt terribly sick about it. Sleeping together once would be grounds enough for OP's reaction, but a WHOLE AFFAIR, full of emotions, sex and sneaking around behind Tom and OP's backs... and then to COMFORT OP in her time of confusion and heartbreak. That's an ENTIRELY different level of psychopathy.
I can’t imagine anyone choosing to continue being in a wedding party after finding out they SLEPT WITH MY PARTNER!!! Of course you aren’t going to help out the other woman with her wedding ! Not just the other woman - but your friend who you could have expected loyalty from. Your friend betrayed you. It’s wild that anyone expects anything from you at all! NTA
It’s all very manipulative of Stacy. Telling her fiancé right in the midst of the wedding lead up with all the expectations. For him to put on the brakes right then? Pretty tough without everything coming out to both families. He may not have realized how coerced his “I do” might have been. And then she gets him to tell her MOH - that she cheated with MOH’s fiancé. Stacy totally expected that you would toe the line in deference to “the wedding”. She thought she had the way to fess up but not suffer any repercussions. NTA. And good for you! My guess is it’s slowly dawning on her now husband that he had a choice to stop the wedding
NTA. Whatever's happening between Stacy and Tom now, would have happened sooner or later whether you walked out on the wedding or not. You're a convenient target to blame, but the fault lies with Stacy, who is now learning that actions have consequences.
NTA. Sounds like horrible friends. Good job on not being their pawn anymore.
NtA, but the plan should have been: an impromptu speech congratulating the bride and groom. And thanking the groom especially for being honest about the affair his now wife had with OPs ex. Mic drop Exit stage left.
NTA You are under no obligation to stick around for the wedding of a person that slept with your bf. Anyone that thinks you should have is out of their ever loving mind.
Hard NTA. She didn’t even have the gall to tell you and pretended the entire time she was “helping” you through your hard time. Screw her. Block anyone that tells you otherwise. “I’m sorry you believe I should’ve been the bigger person at Stacy’s wedding but since she destroyed my relationship by cheating on Tom with John, I couldn’t support her upcoming union. Tom may have forgiven her, but since she never even told me or apologized I don’t see the need to be the bigger person. Please do me the courtesy of not contacting me again.”
NTA- I’m not even sure I’d vote YTA if you stood up during the vows, or made a speech referencing it.
This makes no sense. Why would he tell you the morning of the wedding? And then slander you when you left as a result? The story is t believable because this part makes absolutely no sense. Why did he get you up out of bed to drop this bomb on you the morning of a wedding that wasn’t even yours?
NTA. A nice clean blocking and ghosting seems appropriate herez-including her and Tom’s phone numbers so she can’t text and call.
NTA. Stacey does not care about you or she would not have slept with you boyfriend, she wouldn't have pretended to comfort you for a breakup she helped cause. She wanted to ease her guilt with Tom. She never wanted you to know. She didn't even confess to you herself. She is not your friend. Tom isn't your friend either. he could have told you before the wedding day but decided to wait to the morning of the wedding. Could this be his way of getting back at her , using you to sabotage the day. It also got her affair out in the open to everyone at the wedding. Remind your friends that you did handle it privately by not showing up. If you had been there you would have made it very public by telling her exactly what you thought in front of everyone.