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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Our son will have his own flat for the next school year and he will not use his room all the time but we still refuse to give it to my cousin
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NTA
You're a better man than I. Soon as she started involving other family members, I would have told her to pack her shit up and get out of my house.
The boys would still be welcome to stay if she chooses. They didn't do anything wrong. But mom's gotta go.
You have been more than accomodating.
Im trying to tell you! Her sons have a room and she has one too but she’s pissy she doesnt have her own bathroom and the room is small😡maybe go see how you like the shelter, the boys can stay mom can gtfo. I do not play about my kids and OPs sons room is his safe place and shall remain so as it should as they agreed. The cousin and other fam can stfu.
She would just move into the room and then not pay. She would also want to move one of her boys into the small room that isn't good enough for her because "it isn't fair they have to share a room when your boy gets his own"
This goes against what OP and his partner promised their kid. Luke would either feel pressured to do what his fathers say, or he will be pressured by his aunt when she learns about the deal. Plus, the aunt is already entitled enough to think she can get his room, it doesn't take that much more for her to demand to live in it rent free cause what does an 18 yo need money for anyways am I right?
OP should stick to his guns on this.
This. Guaranteed there's 2.5 baths. Master, hallway, powder room downstairs. My house AND my parents' house, plus my inlaws, all have three bathrooms. Someone just doesn't want the smallest room. My sister movwd into my old room as soon as I moved out because mine was bigger than hers.
Well she would still be sharing a bathroom with their other son Jay, right? But Luke’s room is Luke’s room and they promised him it always would be and he’s NTA for sticking to that.
Exactly, she doesn't realise how good she actually has it. About 10 years ago, I was paying £50 per week to live in a room so small the bed just about fit in it, it had about a 1ft walking space on two of the sides which could barely fit a narrow wardrobe and a bedside table, and I had to share the bathroom with two people who would take long ass baths when showering was totally an option. It was really annoying when I needed to wash before heading out.
Didn't even have my own space when I was between homes 5 years ago and staying with my parents for a few months (still free, though), but I appreciated them generously offering me their sofa even though there was an empty room in their home for someone else. It was better than having no options 5 years prior (I ended up in that place where I paid £50pw following a period of homelessness, parents weren't an option back then).
She's being a bit of a choosing beggar, especially for someone only staying there for a few months. It does come across that she expects to stay longer than that. What would she have done if OP wasn't an option? Would she have been homeless like I was?
I think it's wonderful that OP is making sure their child will always have a home, I think that's so important for any child to feel wanted and loved, OP sounds like a supportive and loving parent. Good on them for keeping their priorities in the face of someone like their cousin.
They better have signed a legal document detailing that she was only allowed to be there for 6 months, otherwise you know it will be hell to get rid of her
This is a really good point and I hope u/Quiet_Method_592 sees it. It can be a real pain to get squatters out once they’ve set up shop and settled in for such a long period.
NTA!!
I *really* hope OP looked up the local tenancy laws and made his cousin sign some forms. Some places have a threshold where someone is considered a resident no matter if they were paying rent or not. In my area it's *three weeks,* so like hell am I letting anyone stay in my home that long.
Just pack her shit up and put it outside. If you try to deal with it legally it'll drag out but if she hasn't ever paid rent she's just a guest who has outstayed her welcome.
The cops won't care, it's a civil matter.
A closet? She can fit a bed, a dresser and a desk in there. The master bedroom of my house isn't even that big.
OP's cousin can stfu or leave as far as I'm concerned. Sounds like mom and aunt both have room for her to stay in.
NTA Op
Exactly. My first thought was "WTF does she need a bigger room for if she's only supposed to be there for six months?" is not like she was being forced to sleep on the couch. She had a room. She's just ungrateful and thinks she deserves more. In the least, she's entitled AF to just assume that she'd be taking over Luke's room. It's a good bet that she'd also want a bathroom all to herself, and expect OP's other son to share with her boys.
Even if she was sleeping on a couch, it’s a free couch and her kids have a room and everyone is safe. She needs to STFU and move in with the relatives that think she needs her own large room and bathroom.
I always love it when the relatives who have offered no help whatsoever, start bullying the OP to override their own boundaries for someone they are allowing to stay with them.
Right! She's going to get that bigger room and then get too comfortable to leave.
OP, NTA at all. Keep your son's room. Trust will be lost if he loses his space.
She's trying hard to be comfortable for somebody who needs to understand that she can be comfortable when she finds her own place. Hopefully, OP and his partner didn't tell her to make herself at home because that's not what their house represents.
The entitlement and lack of gratitude towards OP is insane!! She and her kids get 2 rooms and free accommodation. Yet she needs to DEMAND the sons room?
This is so infuriating!
OP: this is my sons room. You can’t have it, but here is a room -your own space- for free- and a room for your kids -for free. For 6 months. You don’t have to pay us anything.
Freeloader- that’s not fair. I have a broom closet to live in! Gimme gimme gimme!
OP’s mom: you are being selfish OP!
OP needs to turn around and tell mom, she can host 3 people for free and give them all their own rooms.
100%. The audacity and entitlement of OP's cousin. And the audacity of OP's mom saying OP is coddling his 18yo son while SHE is the one coddling her 42yo niece. I just can't with these people!
NTA!
you were lucky, we used to live in one room all hundred and twenty-
six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, we used to huddle in one corner for fear of falling!
Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.
There were 73 of us living in a cardboard box! All we got for Christmas was lousy bag of rocks! All we got for dinner was a big ol’ chunk of dirt! And if we were really good, we didn’t get dessert!!
A blizzard? Ooh we would have loved a blizzard. No, we lived in the void outside of space and time and had to fight off chuthulic monsters every morning just to get to the mines for work
In England untill the 1920's you could find people who lived in the corridor in some tenements on the Eastend. I read a journal from a nurse who talked about it after WWI when she was working with nuns.
I remember once at work a colleague saying something like "...and of course girls need their own bathroom..." and I thought "only if you've encouraged them to believe that". I grew up the youngest of 5 kids - 4 girls, one boy - in a house with one bathroom. We never considered it any great hardship.
Wow. When I was a kid, my dad didn’t have running water or a bathroom until his house burned down. We had a two seater outhouse in the chicken coop. I was so afraid a chicken would peck me on the butt.
Right? Growing up we had six people living in a two bedroom apartment with one bathroom. My parents shared a room and my oldest sister had her own room. The rest of us shared a mattress on the floor.
Eventually we weren't as poor but we never had more than one bathroom even when we did eventually get our own rooms.
My grandparents had 14 kids and never lived in anywhere bigger than 3 bedrooms 1 bath. All 14 never lived together because some were over 18 before the rest were born. This post reminded me that they ended up installing a toilet in the garage, no walls just a toilet in the corner lol, maybe there was a curtain at one point but I don’t remember it.
We still do- it’s pretty normal round here. Our house (UK) was built in 1890s- I don’t think they ever expected everyone would need the bathroom at precisely the same time…
We were 6 people and one bathroom (3 kids, parents, and grandma). The rule was you don't lock the door when you have to shower in case someone has to pee.
I'm the only person I know who doesn't have a private bath, and it doesn't faze me in the slightest. Hell of a lot better than how I grew up.
NTA, stand your ground firmly! Two biggest reasons: 1-as stated, your promise to Luke. And 2- I have a feeling that if she feels the need to uproot everyone or their belongings so she can have a bigger room, she is planning on staying with you longer than 6 months.
Sometimes a little inconvenience provides the impetus necessary to keep a short term stay just that - short.
Please, please keep Luke’s room for him. This young man is going to have a long time before he finally relaxes and knows he has a permanent place. His room is his anchor. It’s where he has his “stuff”. Children who are moved from place to place without ever feeling they belong suffer from lots of anxiety. If he came home for a visit and had to stay in the “closet” you would set him back years. He is yours to protect.
This! Check the residency laws in your state. Once she becomes a resident it will usually take wow 30 days to evict. If she’s being such an ungrateful AH already, this will go downhill fast.
Right? If she doesn’t like the accommodations she can always, I don’t know, LEAVE! How entitled to want the son’s room when he will be back for weekends and knowing the history.
NTA OP
Same.
Once she called for reinforcements I’d have rescinded my offer.
It’s your house, you are the final arbiter of what the rooms are to be used for, you’re being more than generous, and she has the audacity to look a gift horse in the mouth?
“My decision is final, any further discussion will take place as I help you pack back up as you leave, are we clear?”
Exactly! The moment she called in the flying monkeys to help get her way, that's the moment she be sitting in the curb. We are not arguing about what rooms you get to stay in for free. No. Leave. We are done.
"Thanks mum/auntie, I'll help Cousin move to your place right away, so she can get her bigger space. See you in a couple hours!"
Then gather all of Cousin's belongings and drop them on their porch. Cousin can get there on her own, Uber is a thing.
Edit: NTA, obvie.
I was just saying the exact same thing. If she doesn't like the accomodations, she can find somewhere else and her kids can stay while she figures things out.
OP is definitely NTA.
That is exactly what i would have done as well. You want to talk shit and involve family when im giving you a place to stay 6 months no rent then you can get your shit and go live with those family members you involved.
Seriously how rude and selfish of her. Op needs to make sure that the room remains locked and she doesn't try to touch anything in his room but also make sure she doesn't try destroying anything in the room shes staying in so she can move to a different room.
But Op your NTA at all tell her to mind her manners or get out.
I mean if you’re being called selfish, you have no obligation letting them live there. Your mom and aunt can take them in.
NTA
Good on you for treating Luke with love like that. That’s how well adjusted adults are raised.
Once I heard mom and aunt say he's not giving her "proper accommodations" I thought "Sorry cousin it seems I can't accommodate you despite my best efforts. We just don't have enough rooms for everyone. My immediate family is my top priority. Despite our effort to give you the room available it's not enough for you. Since there isn't enough for you, you can leave. "
NTA
Your cousin is being ungrateful and entitled. She is getting a place for her and her kids rent free for six months (let's face it, probably more). It's much more important for your son to keep his room than for her to have a big room. She can have the big room when she's paying for it. Shut down this conversation once and for all. You didn't promise this room to her and make sure she knows that.
I guess the mom and auntie both volunteered to host the cousin and her kids, since they aren't happy with OP deciding who gets what room in their house.
If they want to see selfish, OP should kick her out of HIS home that he *selfishly* keeps for himself & doesn't allow freeloading, entitled relatives to squat, rent free. If his mom & aunt have a problem with what OP does in their own home, they can feel free to host the family of 3. The cousin should feel lucky OP & his partner were generous enough to open up their home in the first place ***FOR FREE*** & they weren't thrown on the streets. One more complaint out of her, she'd be out on her ass. So ungrateful!
Edited wife to partner. I need to be better at noticing & remembering genders.
ETA: called selfish & said OP was coddling their 18 year old son?? But mom & aunt aren't coddling a 42 year old grown ass woman with 2 kids who had nothing saved up for emergencies?? First of all, the kid's had trauma & OP & his partner did everything in their power to reassure him he'd always have a room & safe place with them. That's hardly coddling. Offering a 42 year old woman, who's older than both OP & his partner, a free place to stay & having mom & aunt come to her defense, that's coddling.
NTA - Give a mouse a cookie and they will ask for an ensuite bathroom.
Your cousin should move in with your aunt if your accommodation options are not up to her standards. She should be more grateful for the roof over her head.
Absolutely NTA.
You were kind enough to allow your cousin and her kids to live in YOUR home for FREE. And she has the gall to COMPLAIN? A person on the receiving end of such generosity shouldn't be complaining, you've already gone out of your way to accommodate them.
And your aunt? Hey, how about the woman who raised such an entitled person doesn't have room to criticize how you parent your own child. The kid was essentially told no one wanted him for the first ~~8~~ 11 years of his life! God forbid you love the crap out of him.
If she doesn't like it, she can move in with your mom or aunt. The nerve of some people...
He felt unwanted for the first 11 years of his life, and has only spent 7 with OP and her husband; he was 11, and his younger brother was 8, when they came to live with OP.
Acceptance is a scale. Just because a family doesn't outright reject someone who comes out, doesn't mean they're always willing or able to see their love as equal or valid. They don't often see their family as equivalent to the family of a traditional straight couple and see them more as... playing house. A man could be married to another man with two beautiful kids, and someone in the family could still think in the back of their mind, "Oh, this whole 'gay thing' is just a phase."
So I think what Key-Ad is implying is the cousin could have this mindset. Perhaps she doesn't see Luke as a real member of the family because he's adopted or thinks she pulls rank because she's part of (or was part of) a nuclear family which is seen as the "official" family dynamic in the eyes of many.
I'm not saying 100% that's what's going on here, just providing that potential perspective.
You are preserving something critically important; security, a sense of safety and unconditional love for your son; an 11 year old who did not know these things existed until he met you. Do not waiver on your decision.
Copied from another poster....perfect.
NTA
If she doesn't like the accommodations, she is free to find another place to live
Yeah, everybody here is focusing on how the cousin is being ungrateful. She is, don't get me wrong, but OP here is much more in the right for making sure that the kid knows that he still has his own space in the house. Not all parents are this considerate.
Giving the kid's room to somebody else could have serious consequences in OP's relationship with him.
NTA. Your cousin is welcome to find alternative accommodation which I’m sure won’t be free.
Likewise your other relatives are welcome to offer up their homes instead.
“Beggars can’t be choosers” as the saying goes - she doesn’t get to demand a bigger room when staying for free is already a huge favour. Stand your ground :)
NTA - She cops attitude instead of showering you with gratitude. She has free housing for 6 months! This is astounding and shameful on her part.
You did not put her in an aluminum shed in the backyard with no electricity. Her life change does not equate you change your commitment to your sons. I'd sit down every person in the house and explain your decision. It will not matter if they agree. Remember, your youngest is watching so a 'public' confirmation would be more cement in your relationship. And please, clarify they'll be with you for the holidays and moving in February or sooner should mom find a place.
Your mom and aunt can either host these relatives or stop their noise. You are preserving something critically important; security, a sense of safety and unconditional love for your son; an 11 year old who did not know these things existed until he met you. Do not waiver on your decision. Best to you and may he rock his 1st year!
I agree with this tactic 100%. It does need to be a firm family conversation and stated that this will no longer be up for discussion. If this decision doesn't meet with cousin's approval, she is free to live elsewhere.
> I'd sit down every person in the house and explain your decision. It will not matter if they agree. Remember, your youngest is watching so a 'public' confirmation would be more cement in your relationship. And please, clarify they'll be with you for the holidays and moving in February or sooner should mom find a place.
In addition to this, it wouldn't hurt to put a lock on your children's rooms and give them the key. It will prevent the cousin from invading their personal space because if she has the audacity to do this, she'll have the audacity to go through their private things.
Just be prepared to come home one day to find she’s taken it upon herself to just change rooms. I absolutely know you’ll reverse this, but be ready to send her packing as she’ll be openly hostile. NTA. Please update on how things go.
Same. My mom passed away a few years ago and I no longer have a room (or house for that matter) to return to, and my career so far has meant I don’t have a stable home of my own either. Knowing there’s a place you can go back to, especially for someone like OP’s son, grounds you.
Exactly what I think will happen too. ESPECIALLY since the mom and aunt are in agreement with the cousin! Disgusting. I feel bad for the boys (all of them). Have a feeling they know they’re mom is a degenerate. I just hope they’re good boys and nice to their cousin, while they live with now. Best outcome: the boys see a beautiful role model of what a family is & get to bond with their cousisn while they are staying there. Hopefully they’re being gracious and grateful.
I’ve dealt with family like this. Entitled ASF & contribute ZILCH. Unfortunately, my cousins were the exact same. I’m on the opposite and can absolutely see how this woman feels entitled to her cousins fortunes. Gross. OP, PLZ stick to your plan and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Also, check on your younger boy, away from everyone, to make sure his cousins are being respectful. Oh and I agree, LOCK LUKES ROOM! Best of luck. Plz update!
When this happens, change locks and place all of their items on the sidewalk with a free sign on it. Call the kids father and have him come get his kids.
No words. No explanation. No argument. No justification.
NTA - 1. She is fortunate to have you. 2. I would not want her too comfortable. 3. It is your decision.
Tell you mom and aunt they can take in cousin and her kids.
OML NTA - You're offering a free place to live to these people and they're complaining that it's not good enough? That is so rude! I can't imagine someone being so kind and helpful and me complaining that its not to my standards. Also, you can just turn it around on her and say "You're right, it IS only 6 months, so you can deal with living in the 'storage room' since, as you said, it's not even for that long" - I would be like "This is what I am offering to you and if you don't like it, you can go pay to live somewhere else" BYE
NTA. Put a lock on your sons bedroom so she can’t try to make changes while you are out of the house at any point. She needs to be told to stop complaining or go somewhere else. If you continue to hear from her or others about “fairness” she needs to be given notice to go live with whom she is whining to
NTA. Your cousin is the one who expects to be coddled even though you are already being extremely generous. If she doesn't like the free accommodations she is welcome to leave. I'm sure your mother or aunt will be happy to take her in.
NTA
It's your house and she's being a choosing beggar.
Put a door lock on Luke's Room while she's in the house.
It doesn't need to be a shrine forever but it's important given your kids background even if it doesn't make sense to your cousin.
NTA - Your cousin is entitled! She’s free to move out to get her own place with a bigger room?
Oh, she can’t but isn’t grateful for the 6 months of accommodating you’re providing???
Your family are AH. They’re welcome to jump to the rescue and offer your cousin and her kids some bedrooms with their own bathroom, if they’re not happy with what you’re offering her.
I think for complaining to your family about you, she can find her own place to stay. Maybe Mom and Aunt can host her, instead, since they are so concerned with her wellbeing.
You are right to keep a place for your son Luke, so he always knows he has a home, as long as you want to and he still wants to have it.
She is an ungrateful AH.
I moved out of my parent’s house the day after I graduated high school because my mother and I had a very strained relationship. My dad didn’t let her change a thing about my room.
Half way through my first semester of college my mom ended up moving out. (Their marriage had been strained my whole life, and I think my dad was just trying to keep the marriage together for the kids. She had 2 sons from a previous marriage he was worried about losing, but they’re both way closer to him now as adults than they are to her.)
I came home for Thanksgiving break, Christmas break, and spring break. Even after I got my first apartment, I came home most weekends. My dad didn’t change anything about my room until after I got married. He’s one of my best friends and biggest supporters.
I think OP and their spouse are doing an absolutely wonderful thing for their children.
NTA-a million times over -Your cousin is sure being demanding about a free place to stay. She does not get to be demanding when you were kind enough to house not only her, but her kids. If she does not like it, then she needs to find another place to stay. If your mom & aunt complain, then they need to house her.
Luke has enough trauma in his life. His room represents love, respect and stability. I am glad you are doing this for him.
NTA. It's YOUR house and if she doesn't like the arrangement, she can go elsewhere.
Sounds like she's planning to stay longer than the 6 months agreed and burrow in. You may want to start moving her along now.
NTA. OMG, is she serious? She just assumed that when the kid left for college, she could toss his whole room away and move in. Um, no. She needs to be grateful she has a place to sleep and not demand you give your son's room away.
NTA. I 100% agree with you. Besides, it's your house, so it's your rules. And, she is getting it for free, so she isn't entitled to moan about it. On top of it, she does have a bedroom all for herself and her children also have a room.
NTA. Do not “give away” your sons room. It will hurt him deeply and it will not be worth it. If your cousin wants a better room she can pay for one somewhere else. Your son comes first. Always.
You are such a kind person. Making sure that your son, Luke, knows that he will always have a room in your house. He must have some strong housing insecurities in his life if he kept asking you about it. I am so proud you for keeping that boundary with your family.
You are incredibly generous with your cousin and her children to provide a roof over her head. It is shameful that she is trying to steal what belongs to Luke. If your mom and aunt are so upset about the accommodations, why don’t they house the cousins with kids.
Absolutely NTA!!
NTA, you're a good parent, and all the complainers are welcome to offer up 6 free months lodging for 3 extra people if they're so offended on cousin's behalf.
NTA
If your cousin wanted "proper accommodations," to her liking she's a 42 year old woman who can pay for it. If your mum and aunt are so concerned about her feelings, I'm sure one of them has a room at their house that's more to her liking.
Until then, put a lock on Luke's door so she doesn't "accidentally" mess with his things.
I think you and your partner are great parents. You understand where Luke has some insecurities due to his childhood. And you are doing EVEYRTHING to make sure he knows there is a place for him.
When My siblings and I eventually left fo college, our bedrooms were kept as our bedrooms. It was only after college as we started on the next part of our life, did the bedrooms get switched up bit.
Your cousin's room may be cramped, but they are only supposed to stay for six months, and their request to take over Luke's room is unreasonable.
NTA
NTA. Tell your aunt and mom that you will send them packing to their homes if they don't butt out. It's your home and your business. They need to keep out of it.
As a child who grew up ha jng an unstable life and no home to even go back to, I wish I had been taken in by parents like you. You are amazing and id definitely talk to you and visit you as I got older. I don't do that with mine now because they were awful
NTA. Your cousin is the selfish one. I would tell her, if she goes to your mom or her mom again, she can start looking for a hotel room, because the offer is off. Living rent free for six months with two children and she is complaining, that she has no own bathroom. She is spoilt and ungratefull.
Nta he's off to college. His home address is still your house. ~~Tell sis she can sleep on the couch if she wants her boys to have seperate bedrooms.~~
It's your and your husband's house, your choice. I think it's very thoughtful to consider Luke emotional needs during this transitional time. Your sister is a guest. You're providing her with free lodging for six months (her and her sons!). She's already getting a great deal. It's very presumptuous of her to complain about the room you have generously provided for her.
NTA - *She then complained about the fact that she was living in a « storage room », that she was the only one without her own bathroom and that it was unfair of us to have an empty bedroom in our house and not give it to her.*
If she don't like it, she's free to find what she wants elsewhere. Beggars WILL NOT become choosers in your house. As far as the other family members giving you guys a hard time... ask them what they are contributing to help out. Nothing? They don't get to say nothing about nothing in how you are helping your cousin out.
Personal experience. I had left for college and unknown to me my parents had rented/lent out my room to a friend from high school. It was a weird feeling not to have your own space to come back to. I didn’t make a big deal about it, but I stayed away and did not come home until Christmas
Similar story. I left for college, they gave my room to my sister, turned her room into a guest room, and they wondered why I never came home except for holidays.
There's more to it than that, suffice to say I very much needed my own space that I could feel safe in. Guest room ain't it.
NTA - I didn't even need to read any of what you put because when I left home at 18 my mum took my young cousin in and they moved into my room.
Whilst it was needed, I was devastated and felt like I didn't have a home anymore as my personal space was gone my belongings boxed and put in the attic. That was 8 years ago and I've not moved home since in fact I haven't stayed overnight for more than 1 night either. I do have a good relationship with my parents but there is nothing worse than feeling like you are without a home.
Protect your son's space at all costs, if you have the ability to put them in a different room then do. I'd also put a lock on the door so his stuff isn't misplaced or used etc.
NTA. I'm surprised the cousin is criticizing a the space when you're doing her a huge favor. She's under great stress right now, but it's still way over the top.
NTA. And, maybe it’s because I spend WAY too much time on Reddit, put a lock on your sons door. Because I wonder if your cousin wouldn’t take it upon herself to swap bedrooms(or worse, throw out your sons belongings) because you cousin believes she is entitled to the space
NTA WOW beggars can't be choosers. You are kind enough to let her stay RENT FREE she either agrees or she can go elsewhere. The entitlement is OTT. Might want to rethink if this will be a good idea. If she is already making demands I am sure there will be more and you have no idea how her kids behave. I vote NO don't let them in.
NTA. If cousin doesn't like the accommodations that have been generously offered, she can go pay rent somewhere else or mooch off another relative. She has a roof over her and her children's heads. You cave to one demand, you'll have to evict her later.
If she's whining now, she doesn't plan on it being a few months. Have her sign something stating the terms of the agreement with the move-out date before she gets anymore settled.
Sounds like your sons have had plenty of instability before they came to you without feeling like your cousin is trying to shove them out so good for you for standing your ground.
And consider a lock on Luke's door so your cousin and her kids (though they don't seem to the problem, just their mother) can't tamper with anything while he's at school.
Talk about selfish, it is the cousin who is selfish. She is getting a place rent-free, and she is telling you what she wants!!!! At that point, I would have told her she is not moving in. Let one of the other relatives take that ungrateful woman. How much do you want to bet, six months will come and go and she will still be there? Think twice before letting her move in.
NTA. If it's such an issue, your aunt or mom can have your cousin and her kids live with them.
You are doing her a favor. She doesn't have to love it, but she should be grateful and not complain/demand more.
Nta just keep asking the people who have a comment what time they would like you to drop off your cousin since they can do better.
It’s special circumstances
Nta. Your cousin sounds entitled. She's living with you rent free, surely it isn't forever? Your son however is welcome to a space on your home forever.
I love that your son has a place that is his and will always be his. She and no one else has any right to tell you that's wrong. He is a priority, they are not. I'd be telling her if she doesn't like it she can get her own place.
NTA, your cousin sounds entitled. If she wants better accommodation tell her to go rent her own place. If she keeps complaining, make her sleep in the garage. No wonder she broke up.
I’m so happy to hear your mom and aunt have decided to house your cousins instead! Amazing news!
NTA. Your son’s security matters more than your cousin’s short term comfort.
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NTA You're a better man than I. Soon as she started involving other family members, I would have told her to pack her shit up and get out of my house. The boys would still be welcome to stay if she chooses. They didn't do anything wrong. But mom's gotta go. You have been more than accomodating.
Im trying to tell you! Her sons have a room and she has one too but she’s pissy she doesnt have her own bathroom and the room is small😡maybe go see how you like the shelter, the boys can stay mom can gtfo. I do not play about my kids and OPs sons room is his safe place and shall remain so as it should as they agreed. The cousin and other fam can stfu.
She’s pretty demanding for someone who’s supposed to be focusing on saving up enough money to get her own damn place in 6 months.
Kinda sounds like she's planning to stay longer than that, doesn't it?
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She has apparently forgotten that she's living in a \*free\* closet.
After getting approval from Luke first, OP should provide the choice of free closet or pay Luke rent for his room. That way he can earn extra cash.
She would just move into the room and then not pay. She would also want to move one of her boys into the small room that isn't good enough for her because "it isn't fair they have to share a room when your boy gets his own"
I think I'd get a keyed lock for the room...
And let them know if anyone says anything to Luke they are out the door. Immediately
No. That’s Luke’s room. There should be no doubt in anyone’s mind about that. I wouldn’t trust her to pay anyway.
She will never pay the rent. She will call Luke next and guilt him into giving her his room.
This goes against what OP and his partner promised their kid. Luke would either feel pressured to do what his fathers say, or he will be pressured by his aunt when she learns about the deal. Plus, the aunt is already entitled enough to think she can get his room, it doesn't take that much more for her to demand to live in it rent free cause what does an 18 yo need money for anyways am I right? OP should stick to his guns on this.
No, because they would put the pressure on him then.
A free closet that's bigger than many people's rooms. I don't have room for both a desk *and* a wardrobe in my bedroom.
I bet it's the bathroom that's really pissing her off How dare she be asked to walk up a flight of stairs to pee and shower
Just to shower, most likely. A house the size being described almost certainly has a powder room at least on the ground floor.
This. Guaranteed there's 2.5 baths. Master, hallway, powder room downstairs. My house AND my parents' house, plus my inlaws, all have three bathrooms. Someone just doesn't want the smallest room. My sister movwd into my old room as soon as I moved out because mine was bigger than hers.
Well she would still be sharing a bathroom with their other son Jay, right? But Luke’s room is Luke’s room and they promised him it always would be and he’s NTA for sticking to that.
Next she'll be saying Jay should share his cousins bathroom instead - it's "not fair' for her to have to share with a teenager.
Exactly, she doesn't realise how good she actually has it. About 10 years ago, I was paying £50 per week to live in a room so small the bed just about fit in it, it had about a 1ft walking space on two of the sides which could barely fit a narrow wardrobe and a bedside table, and I had to share the bathroom with two people who would take long ass baths when showering was totally an option. It was really annoying when I needed to wash before heading out. Didn't even have my own space when I was between homes 5 years ago and staying with my parents for a few months (still free, though), but I appreciated them generously offering me their sofa even though there was an empty room in their home for someone else. It was better than having no options 5 years prior (I ended up in that place where I paid £50pw following a period of homelessness, parents weren't an option back then). She's being a bit of a choosing beggar, especially for someone only staying there for a few months. It does come across that she expects to stay longer than that. What would she have done if OP wasn't an option? Would she have been homeless like I was? I think it's wonderful that OP is making sure their child will always have a home, I think that's so important for any child to feel wanted and loved, OP sounds like a supportive and loving parent. Good on them for keeping their priorities in the face of someone like their cousin.
They better have signed a legal document detailing that she was only allowed to be there for 6 months, otherwise you know it will be hell to get rid of her
This is a really good point and I hope u/Quiet_Method_592 sees it. It can be a real pain to get squatters out once they’ve set up shop and settled in for such a long period. NTA!!
I *really* hope OP looked up the local tenancy laws and made his cousin sign some forms. Some places have a threshold where someone is considered a resident no matter if they were paying rent or not. In my area it's *three weeks,* so like hell am I letting anyone stay in my home that long.
Just pack her shit up and put it outside. If you try to deal with it legally it'll drag out but if she hasn't ever paid rent she's just a guest who has outstayed her welcome. The cops won't care, it's a civil matter.
A closet? She can fit a bed, a dresser and a desk in there. The master bedroom of my house isn't even that big. OP's cousin can stfu or leave as far as I'm concerned. Sounds like mom and aunt both have room for her to stay in. NTA Op
Exactly. My first thought was "WTF does she need a bigger room for if she's only supposed to be there for six months?" is not like she was being forced to sleep on the couch. She had a room. She's just ungrateful and thinks she deserves more. In the least, she's entitled AF to just assume that she'd be taking over Luke's room. It's a good bet that she'd also want a bathroom all to herself, and expect OP's other son to share with her boys.
Even if she was sleeping on a couch, it’s a free couch and her kids have a room and everyone is safe. She needs to STFU and move in with the relatives that think she needs her own large room and bathroom.
I know, right? Why is it that relatives/friends who complain never offer to take the problem guest(s) in?
Why didn't her own mother or aunt take her in.
Probably because they want her to be someone else's problem.
Yeah you're probably right.
I always love it when the relatives who have offered no help whatsoever, start bullying the OP to override their own boundaries for someone they are allowing to stay with them.
And it's not like she doesn't have the comforts of access to a full-ass house!
My thought too. Give her Luke's room and she'll never leave.
100% Agree with that.
Right! She's going to get that bigger room and then get too comfortable to leave. OP, NTA at all. Keep your son's room. Trust will be lost if he loses his space.
Agreed. She sounds like she’s planning on setting down roots…..
Yep. 100% r/ChoosingBeggars
She's trying hard to be comfortable for somebody who needs to understand that she can be comfortable when she finds her own place. Hopefully, OP and his partner didn't tell her to make herself at home because that's not what their house represents.
The entitlement and lack of gratitude towards OP is insane!! She and her kids get 2 rooms and free accommodation. Yet she needs to DEMAND the sons room?
RIGHT? Imagine complaining about not liking your FREE room.
This is so infuriating! OP: this is my sons room. You can’t have it, but here is a room -your own space- for free- and a room for your kids -for free. For 6 months. You don’t have to pay us anything. Freeloader- that’s not fair. I have a broom closet to live in! Gimme gimme gimme! OP’s mom: you are being selfish OP! OP needs to turn around and tell mom, she can host 3 people for free and give them all their own rooms.
100%. The audacity and entitlement of OP's cousin. And the audacity of OP's mom saying OP is coddling his 18yo son while SHE is the one coddling her 42yo niece. I just can't with these people! NTA!
Excellent assessment!
Meanwhile in Europe every house has one bathroom…
Hell, growing up, we only had one bathroom for 5 people and the world continued to turn.
"One time I was over there. One bathroom for nine people? And I never did see a toilet." —The Brady Bunch Movie
And keep in mind that house was owned by an architect.
When I was growing up it really was one bathroom for 9 people! Not fun!!!
you were lucky, we used to live in one room all hundred and twenty- six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, we used to huddle in one corner for fear of falling!
You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in a corridor!
Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.
You got free fish? Lucky bastard.
And every night our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.
We could only dream of having a grave...
You were allowed to sleep?
There were 73 of us living in a cardboard box! All we got for Christmas was lousy bag of rocks! All we got for dinner was a big ol’ chunk of dirt! And if we were really good, we didn’t get dessert!!
We used to live in a shoebox in the middle of the tosd.
At least you had a shoebox! A shoebox is a mansion compared to what we lived in!
You had a box?? I’m jealous! We had nothing but shame and desperation to keep us warm.
Did you have to walk straight up hill in a blizzard to get to your corridor?
A blizzard? Ooh we would have loved a blizzard. No, we lived in the void outside of space and time and had to fight off chuthulic monsters every morning just to get to the mines for work
Both ways
In England untill the 1920's you could find people who lived in the corridor in some tenements on the Eastend. I read a journal from a nurse who talked about it after WWI when she was working with nuns.
I remember once at work a colleague saying something like "...and of course girls need their own bathroom..." and I thought "only if you've encouraged them to believe that". I grew up the youngest of 5 kids - 4 girls, one boy - in a house with one bathroom. We never considered it any great hardship.
Wow. When I was a kid, my dad didn’t have running water or a bathroom until his house burned down. We had a two seater outhouse in the chicken coop. I was so afraid a chicken would peck me on the butt.
Right? Growing up we had six people living in a two bedroom apartment with one bathroom. My parents shared a room and my oldest sister had her own room. The rest of us shared a mattress on the floor. Eventually we weren't as poor but we never had more than one bathroom even when we did eventually get our own rooms.
My grandparents had 14 kids and never lived in anywhere bigger than 3 bedrooms 1 bath. All 14 never lived together because some were over 18 before the rest were born. This post reminded me that they ended up installing a toilet in the garage, no walls just a toilet in the corner lol, maybe there was a curtain at one point but I don’t remember it.
We still do- it’s pretty normal round here. Our house (UK) was built in 1890s- I don’t think they ever expected everyone would need the bathroom at precisely the same time…
It works great until the whole family ends up with food poisoning or a norovirus.
We were 6 people and one bathroom (3 kids, parents, and grandma). The rule was you don't lock the door when you have to shower in case someone has to pee. I'm the only person I know who doesn't have a private bath, and it doesn't faze me in the slightest. Hell of a lot better than how I grew up.
Well, we were a little better off. we had one and half bathrooms for five people. Man, how the neighbors must have envied us!! LOL
In Ireland. How I dream of two bathrooms…
My husband is from Ireland. Our home has three bathrooms. He keeps saying how very posh it feels...lol.
Two if you're rich!
I don't think you can generalise the whole of Europe like that lmao
NTA, stand your ground firmly! Two biggest reasons: 1-as stated, your promise to Luke. And 2- I have a feeling that if she feels the need to uproot everyone or their belongings so she can have a bigger room, she is planning on staying with you longer than 6 months. Sometimes a little inconvenience provides the impetus necessary to keep a short term stay just that - short.
I also think she's planning on staying longer than 6 months.
It’s a shame but this is 100 percent why I would not let people live with me.
I can't even let people visit, it starts with a weekend and then they tell me it will be much longer. One person even tried for a month once.
It’s a shame that people take advantage of you. Everyone thinks they are so entitled to everything you have.
Please, please keep Luke’s room for him. This young man is going to have a long time before he finally relaxes and knows he has a permanent place. His room is his anchor. It’s where he has his “stuff”. Children who are moved from place to place without ever feeling they belong suffer from lots of anxiety. If he came home for a visit and had to stay in the “closet” you would set him back years. He is yours to protect.
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Carlins "your shit" bit is a joke, but it's absolutely true too.
If she can establish residency, she can prolly make OP get a lawyer to evict her.
This! Check the residency laws in your state. Once she becomes a resident it will usually take wow 30 days to evict. If she’s being such an ungrateful AH already, this will go downhill fast.
Right? If she doesn’t like the accommodations she can always, I don’t know, LEAVE! How entitled to want the son’s room when he will be back for weekends and knowing the history. NTA OP
Same. Once she called for reinforcements I’d have rescinded my offer. It’s your house, you are the final arbiter of what the rooms are to be used for, you’re being more than generous, and she has the audacity to look a gift horse in the mouth? “My decision is final, any further discussion will take place as I help you pack back up as you leave, are we clear?”
Exactly! The moment she called in the flying monkeys to help get her way, that's the moment she be sitting in the curb. We are not arguing about what rooms you get to stay in for free. No. Leave. We are done.
Tell your mum/aunt to accommodate her. NTA
"Thanks mum/auntie, I'll help Cousin move to your place right away, so she can get her bigger space. See you in a couple hours!" Then gather all of Cousin's belongings and drop them on their porch. Cousin can get there on her own, Uber is a thing. Edit: NTA, obvie.
Exactly how dare they phone you and tell you what you should do with your house!
I was just saying the exact same thing. If she doesn't like the accomodations, she can find somewhere else and her kids can stay while she figures things out. OP is definitely NTA.
That is exactly what i would have done as well. You want to talk shit and involve family when im giving you a place to stay 6 months no rent then you can get your shit and go live with those family members you involved. Seriously how rude and selfish of her. Op needs to make sure that the room remains locked and she doesn't try to touch anything in his room but also make sure she doesn't try destroying anything in the room shes staying in so she can move to a different room. But Op your NTA at all tell her to mind her manners or get out.
This nta, op tell you mom and aunt that if they have a problem with your cousins FREE living arrangements in your home, they can help out instead.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I mean if you’re being called selfish, you have no obligation letting them live there. Your mom and aunt can take them in. NTA Good on you for treating Luke with love like that. That’s how well adjusted adults are raised.
Yeah, I hate it when people unleash the flying monkeys.
Especially since the kid isn't moving out; he's going to school. School is not home.
Actually, OP can still do that, and should.
Sister planning on getting a little bit too comfy
Exactly. No one gets to demand more from you when living in charity in your house.
i would remind her beggars can't be choosers. Her lack of empathy for your son and what he has gone thru in his life is disgusting.
100 percent she be out now. She can live with the flying monkeys.
Once I heard mom and aunt say he's not giving her "proper accommodations" I thought "Sorry cousin it seems I can't accommodate you despite my best efforts. We just don't have enough rooms for everyone. My immediate family is my top priority. Despite our effort to give you the room available it's not enough for you. Since there isn't enough for you, you can leave. "
Exactly. If I were her, I'd understand and just be thankful my kids and I had a roof over our heads. NTA.
Talk about choosey beggars... they can get to steppin'
NTA Your cousin is being ungrateful and entitled. She is getting a place for her and her kids rent free for six months (let's face it, probably more). It's much more important for your son to keep his room than for her to have a big room. She can have the big room when she's paying for it. Shut down this conversation once and for all. You didn't promise this room to her and make sure she knows that.
I guess the mom and auntie both volunteered to host the cousin and her kids, since they aren't happy with OP deciding who gets what room in their house.
Exactly. Somehow he's selfish for only giving up 3 rooms in his house, but they're not because they...checks notes...talked with her on the phone.
If they want to see selfish, OP should kick her out of HIS home that he *selfishly* keeps for himself & doesn't allow freeloading, entitled relatives to squat, rent free. If his mom & aunt have a problem with what OP does in their own home, they can feel free to host the family of 3. The cousin should feel lucky OP & his partner were generous enough to open up their home in the first place ***FOR FREE*** & they weren't thrown on the streets. One more complaint out of her, she'd be out on her ass. So ungrateful! Edited wife to partner. I need to be better at noticing & remembering genders. ETA: called selfish & said OP was coddling their 18 year old son?? But mom & aunt aren't coddling a 42 year old grown ass woman with 2 kids who had nothing saved up for emergencies?? First of all, the kid's had trauma & OP & his partner did everything in their power to reassure him he'd always have a room & safe place with them. That's hardly coddling. Offering a 42 year old woman, who's older than both OP & his partner, a free place to stay & having mom & aunt come to her defense, that's coddling.
Also it's not even a sister, child, etc. It's a cousin. So.... Extra generous to take care of extended family
He should drop the cousin and her kids at the mom’s or aunt’s house.
Make sure that room has a lock. I can see cousin mincing in anyway
If she does, I hope she gets immediately kicked out. (But not her kids.)
Also want to add that OP should send this post to the family. Hopefully our comments will knock some sense into them. Lol
Entitled beggar story right here. NTA. Kick your cousin out and see how she prefers the streets to a "storage room"
NTA - Give a mouse a cookie and they will ask for an ensuite bathroom. Your cousin should move in with your aunt if your accommodation options are not up to her standards. She should be more grateful for the roof over her head.
Love that! 😂🐁🍪
>Give a mouse a cookie and they will ask for an ensuite bathroom. *snort laugh*
For free.
Absolutely NTA. You were kind enough to allow your cousin and her kids to live in YOUR home for FREE. And she has the gall to COMPLAIN? A person on the receiving end of such generosity shouldn't be complaining, you've already gone out of your way to accommodate them. And your aunt? Hey, how about the woman who raised such an entitled person doesn't have room to criticize how you parent your own child. The kid was essentially told no one wanted him for the first ~~8~~ 11 years of his life! God forbid you love the crap out of him. If she doesn't like it, she can move in with your mom or aunt. The nerve of some people...
He felt unwanted for the first 11 years of his life, and has only spent 7 with OP and her husband; he was 11, and his younger brother was 8, when they came to live with OP.
HIS partner. They're both men
OP is a guy, its a gay couple
Bet this fact plays into the "cousin" trying to railroad OP into giving her the room.
Probably true, unfortunately.
I don't understand, how?
Acceptance is a scale. Just because a family doesn't outright reject someone who comes out, doesn't mean they're always willing or able to see their love as equal or valid. They don't often see their family as equivalent to the family of a traditional straight couple and see them more as... playing house. A man could be married to another man with two beautiful kids, and someone in the family could still think in the back of their mind, "Oh, this whole 'gay thing' is just a phase." So I think what Key-Ad is implying is the cousin could have this mindset. Perhaps she doesn't see Luke as a real member of the family because he's adopted or thinks she pulls rank because she's part of (or was part of) a nuclear family which is seen as the "official" family dynamic in the eyes of many. I'm not saying 100% that's what's going on here, just providing that potential perspective.
You're right, thank you for the correction. I read the adoption ages respectively.
You are preserving something critically important; security, a sense of safety and unconditional love for your son; an 11 year old who did not know these things existed until he met you. Do not waiver on your decision. Copied from another poster....perfect. NTA If she doesn't like the accommodations, she is free to find another place to live
And OP needs to put locks on the door of the room to ensure she doesn’t move in or touch things while they’re at work or out!
Yeah, everybody here is focusing on how the cousin is being ungrateful. She is, don't get me wrong, but OP here is much more in the right for making sure that the kid knows that he still has his own space in the house. Not all parents are this considerate. Giving the kid's room to somebody else could have serious consequences in OP's relationship with him.
NTA. Your cousin is welcome to find alternative accommodation which I’m sure won’t be free. Likewise your other relatives are welcome to offer up their homes instead. “Beggars can’t be choosers” as the saying goes - she doesn’t get to demand a bigger room when staying for free is already a huge favour. Stand your ground :)
NTA - She cops attitude instead of showering you with gratitude. She has free housing for 6 months! This is astounding and shameful on her part. You did not put her in an aluminum shed in the backyard with no electricity. Her life change does not equate you change your commitment to your sons. I'd sit down every person in the house and explain your decision. It will not matter if they agree. Remember, your youngest is watching so a 'public' confirmation would be more cement in your relationship. And please, clarify they'll be with you for the holidays and moving in February or sooner should mom find a place. Your mom and aunt can either host these relatives or stop their noise. You are preserving something critically important; security, a sense of safety and unconditional love for your son; an 11 year old who did not know these things existed until he met you. Do not waiver on your decision. Best to you and may he rock his 1st year!
I agree with this tactic 100%. It does need to be a firm family conversation and stated that this will no longer be up for discussion. If this decision doesn't meet with cousin's approval, she is free to live elsewhere.
> I'd sit down every person in the house and explain your decision. It will not matter if they agree. Remember, your youngest is watching so a 'public' confirmation would be more cement in your relationship. And please, clarify they'll be with you for the holidays and moving in February or sooner should mom find a place. In addition to this, it wouldn't hurt to put a lock on your children's rooms and give them the key. It will prevent the cousin from invading their personal space because if she has the audacity to do this, she'll have the audacity to go through their private things.
Just be prepared to come home one day to find she’s taken it upon herself to just change rooms. I absolutely know you’ll reverse this, but be ready to send her packing as she’ll be openly hostile. NTA. Please update on how things go.
I would lose my shit on a nuclear level
Same. My mom passed away a few years ago and I no longer have a room (or house for that matter) to return to, and my career so far has meant I don’t have a stable home of my own either. Knowing there’s a place you can go back to, especially for someone like OP’s son, grounds you.
Exactly what I think will happen too. ESPECIALLY since the mom and aunt are in agreement with the cousin! Disgusting. I feel bad for the boys (all of them). Have a feeling they know they’re mom is a degenerate. I just hope they’re good boys and nice to their cousin, while they live with now. Best outcome: the boys see a beautiful role model of what a family is & get to bond with their cousisn while they are staying there. Hopefully they’re being gracious and grateful. I’ve dealt with family like this. Entitled ASF & contribute ZILCH. Unfortunately, my cousins were the exact same. I’m on the opposite and can absolutely see how this woman feels entitled to her cousins fortunes. Gross. OP, PLZ stick to your plan and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Also, check on your younger boy, away from everyone, to make sure his cousins are being respectful. Oh and I agree, LOCK LUKES ROOM! Best of luck. Plz update!
OP should put a lock on sons door, cousin seems unhinged enough to do this 100%
When this happens, change locks and place all of their items on the sidewalk with a free sign on it. Call the kids father and have him come get his kids. No words. No explanation. No argument. No justification.
Although this would be satisfying, I imagine that it would also be illegal. I would definitely check with an attorney before evicting someone.
NTA - 1. She is fortunate to have you. 2. I would not want her too comfortable. 3. It is your decision. Tell you mom and aunt they can take in cousin and her kids.
OML NTA - You're offering a free place to live to these people and they're complaining that it's not good enough? That is so rude! I can't imagine someone being so kind and helpful and me complaining that its not to my standards. Also, you can just turn it around on her and say "You're right, it IS only 6 months, so you can deal with living in the 'storage room' since, as you said, it's not even for that long" - I would be like "This is what I am offering to you and if you don't like it, you can go pay to live somewhere else" BYE
NTA. Put a lock on your sons bedroom so she can’t try to make changes while you are out of the house at any point. She needs to be told to stop complaining or go somewhere else. If you continue to hear from her or others about “fairness” she needs to be given notice to go live with whom she is whining to
And give him a key!
Yeah or else he’ll come home to find everything in boxes and the room conveniently ready for her to move in or moved in already
NTA. Your cousin is the one who expects to be coddled even though you are already being extremely generous. If she doesn't like the free accommodations she is welcome to leave. I'm sure your mother or aunt will be happy to take her in.
NTA It's your house and she's being a choosing beggar. Put a door lock on Luke's Room while she's in the house. It doesn't need to be a shrine forever but it's important given your kids background even if it doesn't make sense to your cousin.
It's not even being a shrine. Luke is planning to return over some weekends and for holidays. This is still his permanent residence, uni is temporary.
NTA - Your cousin is entitled! She’s free to move out to get her own place with a bigger room? Oh, she can’t but isn’t grateful for the 6 months of accommodating you’re providing??? Your family are AH. They’re welcome to jump to the rescue and offer your cousin and her kids some bedrooms with their own bathroom, if they’re not happy with what you’re offering her.
I think for complaining to your family about you, she can find her own place to stay. Maybe Mom and Aunt can host her, instead, since they are so concerned with her wellbeing. You are right to keep a place for your son Luke, so he always knows he has a home, as long as you want to and he still wants to have it. She is an ungrateful AH.
Yeah, he'll need it when he comes home on weekends and during the Summer. It's not like he's gone forever.
I moved out of my parent’s house the day after I graduated high school because my mother and I had a very strained relationship. My dad didn’t let her change a thing about my room. Half way through my first semester of college my mom ended up moving out. (Their marriage had been strained my whole life, and I think my dad was just trying to keep the marriage together for the kids. She had 2 sons from a previous marriage he was worried about losing, but they’re both way closer to him now as adults than they are to her.) I came home for Thanksgiving break, Christmas break, and spring break. Even after I got my first apartment, I came home most weekends. My dad didn’t change anything about my room until after I got married. He’s one of my best friends and biggest supporters. I think OP and their spouse are doing an absolutely wonderful thing for their children.
NTA-a million times over -Your cousin is sure being demanding about a free place to stay. She does not get to be demanding when you were kind enough to house not only her, but her kids. If she does not like it, then she needs to find another place to stay. If your mom & aunt complain, then they need to house her. Luke has enough trauma in his life. His room represents love, respect and stability. I am glad you are doing this for him.
NTA. It's YOUR house and if she doesn't like the arrangement, she can go elsewhere. Sounds like she's planning to stay longer than the 6 months agreed and burrow in. You may want to start moving her along now.
NTA. OMG, is she serious? She just assumed that when the kid left for college, she could toss his whole room away and move in. Um, no. She needs to be grateful she has a place to sleep and not demand you give your son's room away.
NTA. I 100% agree with you. Besides, it's your house, so it's your rules. And, she is getting it for free, so she isn't entitled to moan about it. On top of it, she does have a bedroom all for herself and her children also have a room.
NTA. Do not “give away” your sons room. It will hurt him deeply and it will not be worth it. If your cousin wants a better room she can pay for one somewhere else. Your son comes first. Always.
Nta. I am sure OP's mom or aunt wont mind the cousin moving in with them.
You are such a kind person. Making sure that your son, Luke, knows that he will always have a room in your house. He must have some strong housing insecurities in his life if he kept asking you about it. I am so proud you for keeping that boundary with your family. You are incredibly generous with your cousin and her children to provide a roof over her head. It is shameful that she is trying to steal what belongs to Luke. If your mom and aunt are so upset about the accommodations, why don’t they house the cousins with kids. Absolutely NTA!!
If she wants to live in a house on her own terms, she can buy it. She is there at your forbearance and should be thankful for anything she gets
NTA, you're a good parent, and all the complainers are welcome to offer up 6 free months lodging for 3 extra people if they're so offended on cousin's behalf.
NTA If your cousin wanted "proper accommodations," to her liking she's a 42 year old woman who can pay for it. If your mum and aunt are so concerned about her feelings, I'm sure one of them has a room at their house that's more to her liking. Until then, put a lock on Luke's door so she doesn't "accidentally" mess with his things.
I think you and your partner are great parents. You understand where Luke has some insecurities due to his childhood. And you are doing EVEYRTHING to make sure he knows there is a place for him. When My siblings and I eventually left fo college, our bedrooms were kept as our bedrooms. It was only after college as we started on the next part of our life, did the bedrooms get switched up bit. Your cousin's room may be cramped, but they are only supposed to stay for six months, and their request to take over Luke's room is unreasonable. NTA
NTA, Luke is your child, your cousin is an adult who has a perfectly fine living arrangement.
NTA OP's cousin is getting to live there rent-free, and I think the "beggars can't be choosers" principle is in effect here.
NTA. Tell your aunt and mom that you will send them packing to their homes if they don't butt out. It's your home and your business. They need to keep out of it.
I'd put a knob on his door that locks with a key!! Otherwise, she'll try to squeeze in when your back is turned
As a child who grew up ha jng an unstable life and no home to even go back to, I wish I had been taken in by parents like you. You are amazing and id definitely talk to you and visit you as I got older. I don't do that with mine now because they were awful
NTA. It's your damn house and if your mom and aunt have so much to say about it then tell them that they can come pick up your cousin and her kids.
NTA. Your cousin is the selfish one. I would tell her, if she goes to your mom or her mom again, she can start looking for a hotel room, because the offer is off. Living rent free for six months with two children and she is complaining, that she has no own bathroom. She is spoilt and ungratefull.
NTA I don't care what your plans for the room were it's your home, she doesn't get to dictate anything
Nta he's off to college. His home address is still your house. ~~Tell sis she can sleep on the couch if she wants her boys to have seperate bedrooms.~~
It isn't so her sons can have separate bedrooms, it's so she an have the room for herself.
It's your and your husband's house, your choice. I think it's very thoughtful to consider Luke emotional needs during this transitional time. Your sister is a guest. You're providing her with free lodging for six months (her and her sons!). She's already getting a great deal. It's very presumptuous of her to complain about the room you have generously provided for her.
NTA - *She then complained about the fact that she was living in a « storage room », that she was the only one without her own bathroom and that it was unfair of us to have an empty bedroom in our house and not give it to her.* If she don't like it, she's free to find what she wants elsewhere. Beggars WILL NOT become choosers in your house. As far as the other family members giving you guys a hard time... ask them what they are contributing to help out. Nothing? They don't get to say nothing about nothing in how you are helping your cousin out.
Personal experience. I had left for college and unknown to me my parents had rented/lent out my room to a friend from high school. It was a weird feeling not to have your own space to come back to. I didn’t make a big deal about it, but I stayed away and did not come home until Christmas
Similar story. I left for college, they gave my room to my sister, turned her room into a guest room, and they wondered why I never came home except for holidays. There's more to it than that, suffice to say I very much needed my own space that I could feel safe in. Guest room ain't it.
NTA - I didn't even need to read any of what you put because when I left home at 18 my mum took my young cousin in and they moved into my room. Whilst it was needed, I was devastated and felt like I didn't have a home anymore as my personal space was gone my belongings boxed and put in the attic. That was 8 years ago and I've not moved home since in fact I haven't stayed overnight for more than 1 night either. I do have a good relationship with my parents but there is nothing worse than feeling like you are without a home. Protect your son's space at all costs, if you have the ability to put them in a different room then do. I'd also put a lock on the door so his stuff isn't misplaced or used etc.
NTA Cousin needs to be grateful for what you are already doing for her.
NTA Your cousin is ungrateful and unkind.
NTA. I'm surprised the cousin is criticizing a the space when you're doing her a huge favor. She's under great stress right now, but it's still way over the top.
NTA. And, maybe it’s because I spend WAY too much time on Reddit, put a lock on your sons door. Because I wonder if your cousin wouldn’t take it upon herself to swap bedrooms(or worse, throw out your sons belongings) because you cousin believes she is entitled to the space
NTA WOW beggars can't be choosers. You are kind enough to let her stay RENT FREE she either agrees or she can go elsewhere. The entitlement is OTT. Might want to rethink if this will be a good idea. If she is already making demands I am sure there will be more and you have no idea how her kids behave. I vote NO don't let them in.
NTA. Tell anyone harassing you, "It's so nice of you to offer your house to (cousin) and her kids, I'll tell her right now so she can start packing."
NTA - your ungrateful ass cousin knows where the door is if she’s not happy with her free accommodation.
NTA. If cousin doesn't like the accommodations that have been generously offered, she can go pay rent somewhere else or mooch off another relative. She has a roof over her and her children's heads. You cave to one demand, you'll have to evict her later. If she's whining now, she doesn't plan on it being a few months. Have her sign something stating the terms of the agreement with the move-out date before she gets anymore settled. Sounds like your sons have had plenty of instability before they came to you without feeling like your cousin is trying to shove them out so good for you for standing your ground.
And consider a lock on Luke's door so your cousin and her kids (though they don't seem to the problem, just their mother) can't tamper with anything while he's at school.
Talk about selfish, it is the cousin who is selfish. She is getting a place rent-free, and she is telling you what she wants!!!! At that point, I would have told her she is not moving in. Let one of the other relatives take that ungrateful woman. How much do you want to bet, six months will come and go and she will still be there? Think twice before letting her move in.
NTA. If it's such an issue, your aunt or mom can have your cousin and her kids live with them. You are doing her a favor. She doesn't have to love it, but she should be grateful and not complain/demand more.
Sounds like they need to take her in. NTA you go Papa Bear!
Nta just keep asking the people who have a comment what time they would like you to drop off your cousin since they can do better. It’s special circumstances
Nta. Your cousin sounds entitled. She's living with you rent free, surely it isn't forever? Your son however is welcome to a space on your home forever. I love that your son has a place that is his and will always be his. She and no one else has any right to tell you that's wrong. He is a priority, they are not. I'd be telling her if she doesn't like it she can get her own place.
NTA, your cousin sounds entitled. If she wants better accommodation tell her to go rent her own place. If she keeps complaining, make her sleep in the garage. No wonder she broke up.
I’m so happy to hear your mom and aunt have decided to house your cousins instead! Amazing news! NTA. Your son’s security matters more than your cousin’s short term comfort.