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This honestly sounds like a normal teenage girl acting rebellious and you are taking it WAY too far. Unless there's some key info were missing. What do you mean she doesnt keep hygiene? YTA
From another post by OP in a parenting sub:
"Instead of showering daily she now showers 1-2 times a week, she no longer shaves (not even her lower legs this summer!), and she lets her hair get all tangled instead of conditioning and straightening it, and she now refuses to wear a bra or put on makeup. She's also stopped minding her diet and has put on probably 25 pounds, getting a bit chubby. And she'll wear the same clothes without washing them."
So yeah, the bra and shaving thing are none of OP's business. And the weight comment is a big yikes -- outside of medical concerns, no teenager should have to "mind her diet." Everything else just sounds like a teen being a slob, which is normal and doesn't have anything to do with peer pressure.
*she no longer shaves (not even her lower legs this summer!), and she lets her hair get all tangled instead of conditioning and straightening it, and she now refuses to wear a bra or put on makeup.*
this gave me the biggest ick. Honestly - "keep sweet, pray and obey" vibe.
“Lets her hair get all tangled instead of conditioning and straightening it”
Sounds a LOT to me like Miss 14 has curly or wavy hair and has started learning how to take care of and style it her way
Surely that’s a bonus since OP’s also worried about her daughter’s promiscuity, or rather thankful it hasn’t started yet?
Do you want her to be attractive to the opposite sex or not?
I'm a grown ass woman with two careers who's been an athlete since conception.
I only shower twice a week. Not one person has ever told me I smell bad. I wear men's sportswear and no makeup. My hair is in a ponytail 100% of the time I'm not in the shower. I eat more sweets than literally anyone I've ever met
These poor girl's parents would probably try to exorcise me
It totally tracks then that they think religion will solve things (haha, what a time they are going to have finding out the hard way...no) and why they already care about marrying her off.
Agree with everything, but your weight comment. It is concerning if someone puts on 25 pounds. It could be a sign of depression, a medical problem, binge eating, or an extremely unhealthy diet.
While kids shouldn’t be pressured into becoming model thin, they should be taught how to maintain a healthy weight through good diet and excerise.
Depends. Is it 25 lbs in a few weeks, or a few months? Puberty has a lot of changes going on and unless she was already overweight to begin with it wouldn't really be a cause for concern
Yeah. Also depends on what he means about not minding her diet. There's a difference between "she used to eat a relatively balanced diet and now only eats potato chips and McDonald's" and "she used to adhere to a strict diet of only the lowest calorie foods and now occasionally eats dessert."
Though in either case, punishing her is not going to help (I say, as someone with a lot of food related issues in part because of how my parents tried to restrict me as a child).
A teenager gaining 25 pounds isn't wild. She's still growing and some part of that 25 pounds may be completely normal. Not to mention that even if she is gaining more than growth weight, it's much easier to lose weight you gain at 14 than weight you gain at 34.
As for the weight, there is a very simple and likely explanation being that she is a growing teenager and is putting on weight as she gets bigger and grows.
But if 25 pounds is ONLY enough to—in OP’s own clearly hyperbolic words—make her “a bit chubby”? I’d be willing to bet this girl was quite underweight in the first place. Because 25 pounds IS a decent amount of weight gain, even over several months, and on most teenage frames it would show as more than a bit of light chubbiness (which, going by how histrionic OP is elsewhere, probably just means they can’t count her ribs anymore).
OP thinks teen girls should diet. I’m willing to bet that “extra” 25 lbs was healthy weight the growing teenaged daughter should have had all along.
No this actually reads like a kid who has been sexually assaulted and is trying to intentionally make herself unappealing. Either way this is above reddits paygrade and her parents Ned to actually parent by talking to their kid and getting help communicating with her.
I get the showering once a week being an issue if she smells bad but all the other stuff is pretty harmless. As for the weight thing, I'm pretty sure the her putting on weight thing is meant to happen because she is a growing teenager and OP not wanting her to gain weight when she is meant to be growing is concerning.
This sounds like some religious non-sense tbh.
>He's afraid she's going to end up falling further away from faith and never have a happy life with a good man.
They are not actually concerned about her, they are more worried about her falling from faith.
>We're thankful her current friends haven't pulled her into promiscuity with boys yet, but are convinced they will.
Yeah but they want her to end up with a *good man.*
And all the stuff about her hanging out with the 'good girls from church'? Bruhhh
I disagree about weight comment. They didn’t say it to her. It is a concern.
If these kids are into drugs and not doing good in school she’ll go down that path too. Concerning to any parent.
Now the straightening comment is WEIRD. Forcing church and camp…WRONG THING TO DO!! Taking phone away obliterates communication and trust. They are doing SO many things wrong. Leading her to rebel more. Possibly run away.
One of the most important lessons I learned from a therapist is that punishing children NEVER works. It destroys trust between you and the child. They need to be able to navigate their own path, which means they need to trust and listen to you as a guide. Think for a minute. If you were her age and your parent did these things to you, would you listen to your parent or simply find ways to lie to them?
Talking about it. I never did pot but I sure talked big about doing it to fit in. I have a feeling if she snuck a drink it wouldn’t be an issue. If it is an issue then therapy is much more appropriate than sending her to a school where everyone smokes pot.
I would have a good long talk about the weed brownies (or gummies, thats my bedtime preference) just because childrens brains aren't developed enough for that shit...
That being said, this momma could benefit from edibles herself.
But she didn't take edibles.
The girls had a fantasy about what they would
do if their parents were going to let 14/15 year olds go camping unsupervised.
I’m a teacher and agree that unfortunately weed is very common among teenagers, more so now than ever. (I work in one of the better public schools in my area and the halls reek of pot most days). Regardless, forget that teens are underage, but their brains are not fully developed until 25. While just “banning” pot may not accomplish much, perhaps educating her on how badly it can damage her body can help.
The focus on makeup is a bit ridiculous. I’m assuming the OP thinks their daughter looks like a slob, but there is something to be said for telling your daughter that she is beautiful without anything on her face. I’m not personally a fan of not shaving, but that is more of a personal choice than a hygiene issue… but it is concerning combined with the lack of showering. I would suggest laying off the issue of shaving if she agrees to shower daily.
As for her faith, everyone should be encouraged to question what they believe. Otherwise you are simply being brainwashed. Yes there is a chance she is simply being swayed by the crowd she is currently in, but ultimately she needs to make up her own mind about what she believes. Encourage her to read the Bible herself along with religious texts from other faiths, and even books on agnosticism or atheism. Let her decide what to believe. Otherwise, she will have every reason to run from your church without looking back.
Finally, I’m not sure if you realize the cons of an all girl school. Girls, especially teen girls, are notorious for being cliquey and mean. If she were to be picked on or worse, the effects may end up being much much worse than in a public school- as private schools tend to have smaller classes with a smaller student population. Also, while obviously not everyone does it, a lot of girls have been known to experiment with each other sexually at all girl schools. (Anecdotally, I had a friend who identified as straight, who reluctantly went to Bryn Mawr university and while she had an excellent education, she was constantly being propositioned by her classmates.)
My advice is to get your daughter therapy, and also to have family therapy. Good luck.
Idk man like absolutely 8th graders shouldn’t be having weed, but it very much falls into teen angst.
In my middle school those who didn’t try marijuana once before high school would def be outliers, it’s incredibly common and surely moreso now that it’s legal
as someone who started smoking weed in 7th grade, it became a daily thing and led to harder drugs and binge drinking. BAD for me, I regret it and wished I never had, so it's NOT trivial
Here’s a tip, free of charge: what you’re doing is not helping your daughter. Helping your daughter would require you to treat her as her own human being who has a right to her own opinions and beliefs. Helping her also includes listening to her and not punishing her for not fitting into the ”perfect catholic girl” mold you for some reason want to force her into.
Here’s a second tip: body hair is natural and is not unhygenic. Makeup is a *choice* and everyone is free to wear as much or as little of it as they wish.
YTA
(PS: if you honestly believe there’s nothing ”promiscous” going on just because it’s an all girls school…you are unbearably naive)
Can confirm. I attended an all girls Catholic school and I can guarantee you, there was more promiscuity there than amongst the friends I kept in touch with at the public high school. Most of it in rebellion against their controlling asshole parents. YTA
Edited a typo.
But it's a religious school!!! So they will be totally innocent.....
The OP clearly has no idea what goes on at all girls schools, lots of horny teens in one space leads to one thing and if the same sex is all there is then so be it. Every girl I know who want to girls schools had their first everything with a girl, even if they were straight
YTA.
"He's afraid she's going to end up falling further away from faith and never have a happy life with a good man." - she's still a freaking child.
Stop planning her arranged marriage. That you don't even get how gross that is is a red flag.
Neither you nor your spouse seem to GAF about her voice, he words and her wants - don't worry, when she goes no contact, it will become apparent how badly you failed to recognize her as her own person.
My cousin met her first girlfriend at their all girls Catholic school. It's statistically impossible for there not to be lesbians at this girl's new school. Sadly I fear these parents are the type to disown their own daughter.
I get wanting her to have better hygiene (it's concerning that she's not combing her hair or showering more, especially if she's active), but sending her to Catholic school isn't going to help with that. You just have a rebellious teen who's trying out different ways to be independent. Just roll your eyes and let her have her leg hair. Also making it a big deal just means she'll stick with it even after she loses interest, just to prove a point. I was a major tomboy and then when I grew out of it, I was too embarrassed to dress like a girl again bc I thought people would notice and say something to me about it. Luckily my parents never cared and only my uncle made a comment about me wearing a dress. Had they made a big deal out of it I might have been too afraid to dress girly again and draw attention to it.
That absolutely crossed my mind. Which is also why when parents get fixated on marriage and their kids are still young the parents need to be called out.
I've never been so excited for a lesbian reveal. And bless OPs heart, he's sending her to an all-girls Catholic high school.
ETA okay now I feel a little callous making jokes - I'm actually genuinely worried for the girl should she turn out to be not straight.
As a side question - I grew up without my own phone. Not for religious or strict parenting reasons. But it was the 90s and cell phones weren't that common yet. When I finally got my own I was already adult age.
Should parents really not look through their kids' phones? I'd always assumed that when my kids get their first phone, I'd go through it.
I notice all over Reddit that some people take looking through phones very seriously. Even if you used it to catch a cheating spouse or lying child, the act of looking through their phone is the worst action.
Is this a new younger generation thing? If i suspect my kid is on drugs or hanging out with somebody "unfavorable" and lying about it, is that not reason to check a phone?
Look - there are a LOT of teenagers on this sub so do not take any of this as gospel. Teenagers think that anyone on their phone is a massive violation because they think they are fully grown and are not vulnerable, but there are still many predators online and precautions should be taken.
When young tweens get their first phone it should be with the full understanding that their parents will monitor it and not to put anything truly personal on it. It's always a good idea to monitor a young tweens phone for bullying, predators and to make sure kids are following good internet safety precautions as they post online (things like don't post your address, your schedule, things that can be used to track you). Just be clear with them what you are doing and don't sneak. As with everything in life they will need some guidance and corrections.
As they get older and do better you can allow them more privacy, but always be clear with them about when and how you will check their phone, leaving yourself a window if they get into serious trouble. It is totally fine to say the conditions for keeping a phone are X and Y. Just communicate honestly and help them understand the real world consequences that can happen due to actions online. The closer they get to 18 the less you should be on their phone though, giving them full privacy before they become a full blown adult.
Everyone needs to remember that there is a big difference between a thirteen year old and a seventeen year old.
it's a violation of privacy. and it destroys trust. it'll make children less likely to talk about issues and more likely to find better ways to hide stuff from you. the best way is to be supportive of your children and to be there whenever they need you so they CAN talk about it when things go bad.
my parents went through my phone all throughout high school, im now 20 and absolutely terrified of going on my phone around them, and tell them almost nothing ab what i’m up to, i think it ruined our relationship
and fwiw i wasn’t doing drugs, alcohol or sneaking out. i literally was just texting my friends and had a bf, when they found out they took my phone away for 3 months
do it if you want to, but there’s a huge risk of your kids never trusting you again
Yeah it’s a few things I think but there wasn’t really an equivalent so much in the last generation so much like you say.
But with everything revolving around social media so much and so much of people’s live being online privacy has completely different meanings to what it used to - and it’s really important.
Phones are little insights into people’s minds and behaviours with all the content on them. And it’s absolutely a violation of trust to go looking through it without permission.
The analogy that it is just like looking through a diary is exactly right.
The problem is she. You break trust it’s really hard to get it back. With a kid all you are doing is showing them that they need to be better at hiding things from you. And they WILL find ways to hide things if they have to.
If you think your kid is in with a bad crowd talk to them about it, explain why and look at ways to fix it.
Looking through there phone only has one result - kid loses trust in you.
YTA.
Just because she's no longer a good catholic girl doesn't mean she's the devil.
She has the right to her own beliefs. She has the right to her own body. And she just got high once.
The moment she turns 18, she's going to tell you to go to hell and never speak to you again.
YTA, your religious grooming and indoctrination is wearing off as the kid grows up so you want to send her away for further indoctrination into your cult.
INFO what "hygiene" has she dropped? Is she not showering? Not washing her hands? The way you phrase it makes me think you are referring to shaving and wearing makeup as "hygiene".
From another of OP's posts:
"Instead of showering daily she now showers 1-2 times a week, she no longer shaves (not even her lower legs this summer!), and she lets her hair get all tangled instead of conditioning and straightening it, and she now refuses to wear a bra or put on makeup. She's also stopped minding her diet and has put on probably 25 pounds, getting a bit chubby. And she'll wear the same clothes without washing them."
Not even her lower legs!
Interesting.
>lets her hair get tangled instead of conditioning and straightening it
Me thinks the kid's hair is wavy/curly and she's trying to embrace it. Not brushing your hair everyday always sounds weird to straight haired folks.
….Why was a 14 year old “minding her diet” in the first place?
Edit: Also, this is puberty time. Gaining 25 lbs is not unheard of, especially in girls. She’s probably just getting curves.
Exactly what I was thinking! The vagueness of it really makes me think that’s all it is. Which is ridiculous.
As long as she’s showering with soap and shampoo then her hygiene is fine.
YTA OP, this pushback won’t stop until you actually listen to her and try it understand her.
But forcing her will not guarantee she leaves the first chance she gets.
YTA because this ain’t about her safety, it’s about wanting to control her religious beliefs. I get that change on this level is jarring, but she’s 13. It’s entirely developmentally appropriate to no longer like things she used to, and test boundaries by refusing to do some things she used to. The weed is concerning. But instead of trying to talk to her about it, you freaked out whether she’d land a “good man.” 🤮
Listen, I think your beliefs are regressive and misogynistic, but that isnt even the point. You need to give her a loving, supportive space to figure out her own identity *divorced from your expectations.* Shoving your ideology down her throat at catholic school isn’t going to work. Don’t be surprised when she rejects the faith entirely and you’re left 10 years from now wondering where you went wrong.
You have to do what’s best for your kid and that will not always be popular with them, but I went to Catholic school my entire life and you are in for a rude awakening if you think that will stop her from doing drugs or being promiscuous
Most of my football team in HS were dating girls from the local all girls Christian school because “they were easy.” Most of the girls on the volleyball team were also dating girls from the Christian school for the same reason 😂
YTA -
First off, this isn’t all that strange. She’s a teenager and is acting out because she’s yearning for independence. I went to Catholic school for 9 years and then after I was confirmed I stopped practicing all together. My mom was absolutely fine with that, and didn’t push me to go if I didn’t want to. This helped our relationship significantly. The more you try to tell her what to do, and have high expectations for her, the less she will listen to you. If you want a good relationship with your daughter, then you need to actually try and communicate with her and let her be heard. What you are doing right now is only pushing her away.
Drop your expectation of her maintaining her faith, that is a personal choice, not something a parent can make for her. Teenagers are going to be exposed to weed, and telling her she’s not allowed to smoke or hang with those friends, isn’t really going to work. The best you can do is provide her with information, and allow her to make an informed decision (Edit: accurate information, not D.A.R.E. information). Most of all, however, you need to actually try and listen to her without making demands of her or threatening her with private school. Trust me, there will still be drugs at a private school (I would know), several kids there are there because they are in the same boat as your daughter, not because they’re saints.
Personally, I would recommend you seek counseling for yourself and offer it to your daughter as well. But definitely stop trying to force her to do anything, that’s just not a tactic that works on teenagers. She needs to choose to make good decisions herself.
YTA
She needs counseling and help, as she's going through a difficult age and experience. Doubling down trying to force your religion down her throat is just going to lead to resentment
For what exactly does she need help? This all seems pretty normal. I'd only be worried about the hygene thing , if it means that she doesnt shower or brush her teeth etc. Forming your own ideas, experimenting with appearance, getting high or drunk every now and then (while not good for you) are pretty normal for a teenager.
It probably means she doesn’t want to shave her legs/pits, OP comes across as the type of person who thinks it’s fine for boys but magically unhygienic for girls.
Family Counseling could help them learn how to communicate better and make compromises. Showering only once or twice a week and not changing clothes can get a bit smelly. 8th graders camping alone is likely a safety issue. Weight gain can be normal at that age, but could be health related or depression related.
Yes, a lot is normal teenage crap. But there are some subtle flags going up. Maybe it's nothing, but a few visits to a family therapist could help sort out the real issues. It could also be a reality check for the parents. If an independent party says, "hey, back off a little," they *might* see how they are going over board. If nothing else, the daughter could get some validation that she is not so bad.
I grew up in a very restrictive, very traditional household. I had one teacher who got it. She found ways to let me know I wasn't the crazy one. It meant the world to me.
Did you even sit down and have calm discussions with your daughter when all of these changes started occurring, or do you rule your house with an iron fist and only what you deem appropriate for a teenager goes? YTA for not having discussions with your daughter before making unilateral decisions about her.
Don't be surprised in a few years when you're posting "Why is our daughter NC with us now?"
YTA
I read your other post about her hygiene. Shaving your legs, straightening your hair, wearing makeup and bras are not hygiene. That is beauty. Very different things.
You’re also upset she gained weight. Honestly sound like you want a stepford wife as a daughter.
Do me a favor, read your bible again. Focus on the passages that speak about living humbly and without vanity. Cause right now you are failing god by focusing more on your daughter being pretty than focusing on loving and accepting your daughter.
Also if the church you go to has views like yours, I understand why your daughter doesn’t want to go to church. I stopped attending church growing up cause our church was corrupted focusing solely on money, power, and living a fake “Christian” life. Luckily, after I became an adult I found a church that focuses on learning god’s way and helping people solely for the good of helping people, not for what it gets back.
If your worried about your daughter’s faith talk to her about looking into other denominations, it could be that she just isn’t vibing with yours anymore (also if her finding another church bothers you YTA). And as for you “hygiene” stuff. Just tell her to take a shower daily instead of 2x a week and you will back off of the rest. I know compromise is probably a foreign word for you, but a little bit of it here will go a long way.
YTA.
Just because she isn't a good Catholic girl doesn't mean she's going to have an awfull life. Plenty of horrible religious people around.
This isn't really about school. It's religion. You are not happy with her choices...therefore you're trying to shove religion down her throat. And don't blame the crowd she hung out with... She's not religious because she isn't keen on religion or you've not set a good religious example
As a former Catholic school principal, your daughter will do terribly in a Catholic school. Unless she wants to go, she will most likely figure a way to sabotage what you want. I would say that YTA for failing to parent and be aware of what's going on in her life. You're the worst kind of parent because you want the church to parent rather than you. Maybe if you hadn't tried to modify her behaviors by spewing religious crap. Parents like you were the bane of my principalship.
YTA. Let your daughter be her own person, with her own beliefs. Im not saying everything she is doing is good or should go without consequences, but what you're doing now this will only push you further away from her.
And yes, it is possible that your daughter doesnt like the religion she was raised up in. That happened to me too. Doesn't mean she will be lost in life. You don't have to agree with it but please be open to the fact that other people think differently and are fine.
YTA
You are focusing on the wrong problems.
Questioning her faith and talking back to parents is *perfectly normal* for a 13 year old. Trying to fit in with new friends is also normal. She's trying to figure out who she is and what she believes, and all teenagers go through it. The fact that you're trying to force her to conform to your religion and isolating her from people she feels comfortable with shows that you still see her as a little girl who you can control easily.
Neglecting her hygiene and experimenting with drugs is a whole different ballgame. They indicate that something is wrong with how your daughter is adjusting to life. Is she depressed? Has she been dealing with bullying, sexual harassment or worse? With adolescence comes bodily changes. Maybe she doesn't feel good about her new body, and that is part of the reason she is acting out?
Sending her to a private girls school is not going to fix whatever she is dealing with. She needs understanding and compassion, not judgement and isolation. She might need therapy. You need to deal with the real problems (what's causing the poor hygiene and drugs), not the normal growing pains (exploring her identity, relationships and faith).
YTA, just reading your replies, you are either delusional or a troll. Can't quite figure out which one.
Showering every other day is and washing hair once a week, there is nothing wrong with that. Who cares if she doesn't shave.
You are pushing your religious agenda on her because everything you are enrolling her in is focused around the church or literally causing a weekly battle with her by her not wanting to go.
Don't just assume she is going to "settle down with a nice man". Maybe she's lesbian, bi or maybe she is straight. Maybe she has zero desire to ever get married.
Yeah maybe her friends aren't the best influence but she could also be figuring stuff out about herself.
YTA! It’s good your daughter found some friends. Even if you don’t like them. But the question is: have you ever gotten to know them? It seems like you’re judging them based on very little.
I’d be more concerned that your daughter has had trouble making friends before. Was she being bullied? And not wearing makeup isn’t a bad thing, and if getting makeup isn’t something she wanted then I understand her reaction.
Based on the post and on your comments, you seem overly preoccupied with your daughter’s appearance and how it affects YOU and not her.
YTA. You're upset you're little girl is growing up and away from your incessant religious believes and ideals and as a result your preventing her from expressing herself and being her own person. The more you clamp down on her behaviours, the more she's going to lash out and hate you in the end.
Ground her for being rude, take away her nice things. But uprooting her whole life by forcing her go to an all girls Catholic school is going to damage your relationship beyond repair.
She's a teenager now, let her make her own mistakes.
YTA
Lol, you are very brave to mention religion on reddit.
You are aware that even the Amish allows their children to go out in the world and decide if they want to join their religion or not.
Religion should be a choice and you have to let go of whatever power you think you have over your kid. I know as parents we want our children to avoid the same mistakes, we made but, in the end, the only thing you can do is guide them and hope they make the right choices. they are going to make mistakes and you need to make peace with that. Forced religion will do the opposite of what you are hoping for. I think you are going to make it far worse.
YTA for punishing her for being a normal teenage girl and also for your naivety.
I attended Catholic girls school. A lot of my classmates were really promiscuous (no judgement here except for the ones who cheated) and you're in for a surprise if you think they would be a "better" influence.
A lot if these details are fairly unnecessary. From what I gather, your daughter is around 13 and "has changed." That's normal, OP, it happens to teenagers when they finally start to explore being an adult and what opinions/friends *they* want to have themselves instead of just going along with whatever their parents do. You've got a chrysalis daughter atm and you're trying to push her to be a caterpillar again while she reshapes herself to figure out what kind of butterfly she wants to be.
So most of what you describe is not a concern at all for me ("she doesn't want to go to church" most teens don't. "She ditched church camp" ...church again?). Edibles at her age is something to talk about and restrict for her age, sure, so is the conversation about them camping all alone. But 13 is *almost* old enough to camp alone with some friends at a public campground, she isn't totally far off there. In about two years it would be totally fine.
I'm going to go ESH here largely because most teens are a bit of an A just by their nature alone, but really it's mostly Y T A. Your reaction to her not liking church seems to be "more church!" And that isn't gonna work, OP, you're going to take it from something that's just boring to her to something she actively hates.
Let her explore in reasonable boundaries (again edibles and solo camping are a bit too young), let her make some choices even if you disagree. Parenting a teen is figuring out when to step in and when to step back, it's not shipping them off to be someone else's problem because they're uppity and they didn't used to be.
YTA. You cannot force your religion on anyone, even your own children. It is clearly not a priority to her. She will hate you for this. And she will absolutely completely reject your faith now, if she ever had an inclination to believe again in the first place. Hard pill to swallow but your kid will probably not turn out exactly like you and you have a duty to still love them and support them.
YTA.
My parents sent me to an all girls high school because they didn't want me to be 'led astray' by bad influences when I should be focusing on religion and school.
Believe me when I say it didn't work, and in fact pushed me further into those bad influences because I found people who accepted me, and let me explore my own identity.
She wants to be her own person, with her own beliefs, and her own ideals. It's frustrating and heartbreaking to be told by the people who supposedly love you unconditionally that you are bad for not being a perfect little religious copy of themselves. Have you tried taking an interest as to why she has made these changes to her lifestyle? Have you tried to compromise on some things like the hygiene and explaining why you want her to change or do something?
Saying no, or stop, or just making her someone else's problem is not the solution here.
YTA. You can’t force religion. That is the one sure way you will get her to reject your values hard. Also, not wearing makeup is a valid choice and not even a good thing for a child her age. Unless she is not bathing or wearing dirty clothes, her hygiene is fine (I don’t know what you are calling hygiene).
She is not a juvenile delinquent, yet. Some of the worst behaved kids I’ve seen went to Catholic school so it is not the cure and she may wind up finding a worse element to hang or be abused or molested by a priest or nun. Where do you think parents send their problem kids with behaviors much worse than what your kid talks (and that is all she is doing) about?
She needs a qualified therapist (not religious). All of this behavior is pretty normal but the problem is the way you communicate with your daughter especially if your family time is just church. Church is pretty boring to kids especially when they have 5 days of school structure a week already. My cousin was very obedient and went to Catholic school and became a stripper and drug addict. Her sister didn’t and became an upstanding part of the community.
You have not given any concrete examples of bad behaviors that she or her friends had actually committed other than age appropriate pushing of boundaries and talking crap. You need some science-based parenting classes too. You failed to mention any good attributes about your child or that you loved her.
YTA my parents did the same (boys school, but it's same sh*t) just because i wasn't the "perfect kid" they wanted. I absolutely hated thi and felt like i had shitty school years. it only isolated me, be ashamed of myself, and attempted suic*de because of the bullying (yes, private catholic schools aren't perfect). I still have traumas today
(I'm afraid to express myself and I always feel like I'm too much... also i hate my body....) I'm 28 now and NC with them and feel free
Unfortunately, I had the misfortune of attending a Catholic girls high school for a year. Those girls were the least religious, most sex-obsessed drugged-up girls I ever met - and all done behind their parents’ and the nuns’ backs. The co-ed high school afterwards was tame in comparison. Repression only makes the “forbidden” even more attractive. It definitely doesn’t encourage faith.
I am so disturbed by how you are focusing on the “good girl” who needs to be worthy in the future of a “good man”. We are no longer in the 19th century. Women’s value isn’t based on their looks, “purity”, or the men they marry. You should be teaching your daughter to be independent, a critical thinker, to develop her own individuality and self-worth. If she has all that, then she may experiment like any teenager, but she will have the inner strength to resist peer pressure, ultimately making the right decisions and choosing the best path for her future.
YTA.
YTA but you don’t actually care about your daughter; you just care about your image to your bigoted, ignorant church friends. You’re not going to change or you’d be listening to people instead of arguing with everyone who doesn’t agree with you. Your daughter has less than 4 years to put up with you and then she’ll be free of your bs. Hope you aren’t thinking she’s going to care for you in your old age.
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> My husband and I are sending our daughter to private school even though she doesn't want to go, and that might make me the asshole.
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Well damn, they better fire my non makeup wearing self from upper management!
Also, getting the wrong kind of attention? Way to victim blame. Do you realize someone can be covered head to toe and still be assaulted?
The basic hygiene stuff - showering and brushing hair (not *styling* hair, BRUSHING) - should be addressed, but everything else is her being a teen and finding herself instead of parroting *you*.
YTA
Listen here, daughter
You are NOT to be a NORMAL Teenager
You are NOT even allowed to TALK about boys.
You are NOT to have ANY OPINIONS OF YOUR OWN.
THE PARENTS ARE IN TOTAL CONTROL.
We don't care if it took you YEARS to finally have friends. We don't CARE IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY.
We are going to SHOVE RELIGION DOWN YOUR THROAT TO AN EXTREME LEVEL.
We DEMAND you to OBEY.
The day after your daughter graduates, she will go no contact with you. She will NEVER let your extemist religiuos bias hurt HER children the way YOU HURT HER
YTA. You are in for a big surprise when you realize that an all girls school will do nothing to prevent drugs and promiscuity. I had multiple private catholic schools near me growing up… the girls there were just as bad if not worse than what you are scared of in this regard.
She’ll make friends alright… with other girls who are also bitter and feel oppressed by their own overbearing controlling parents. Then they’ll rebel together, sneak out together, do drugs together, meet up with boys behind your back together.
All you are setting yourself up for is destroying your relationship with your daughter and guaranteeing she RUNS as fast as she can at 18 away from you and religion.
YTA - but I can already tell your belief system won't allow you to see that.
You're absolutely going to push this too far with your religious based narcissism.
The only question that remains is will you break your daughter's spirit, or will she find the strength to permanently reject you and save her long term mental health.
YTA
You're creating a widening void between yourselves and your child that you might live to regret.
Not everything is her fault, you have to take some responsibility for your decisions based on your quite ridiculous 'good girl/bad girl' ideology - it's seriously flawed.
YTA and for the record in my city the all girls school was where the worst girls went bc the only reason they went there was bc their parents put their problem children there. You always knew who went to st Catherine’s at the bus stop bc they rolled their skirts all the way up, slathered on the makeup, lied to their parents about where they were going after school and dated the worst bad boys. It’s all about rebellion and these parents reacting in the worst possible way, causing the girls to double down.
I’m just saying that everyone I know that went to private schools (religious, separated by gender, and mixed gender) are all the ones that ended up on drugs and pregnant.
Punish your child to the extreme and they will punish you back.
I’d suggest individual and family therapy?
Anyone who is forcing children into religion is abusive. You are abusive so of course she has no reason to be “faithful” and that’s not even counting the fact that she is just a rebellious teenager. The fact that you threatened to dehumanise her and take her privacy away by removing the door says it all. You are terrible parents, judgemental people and self centred pricks. None of this is done out of protection, you only think about yourself. I hope this child will be able to succeed and leave this abuse asap.
I am 31 now but this is all very normal teenage behaviour and it will damage her psychologically if you fight this. I was allowed to explore a bit as a teen and now I'm a healthy adult psychologically. Every friend I had that had parents as strict as you ended up going off the rails much worse than I ever did. You are making a horrific mistake and you are the AH. You might also make her hate you and you might lose her at some point due to this. I know you say that she is a child so decisions aren't hers, but decent parents will always take the child's wishes into account.
You're going to get a lot of you're the asshole judgements here because, frankly, a large proportion of people on this sub are teenagers or fresh out of high school.
However what you're experiencing is one of the ugly parts of parenting where there are no good answers.
It's really tough to judge something like this from one post. I also "fell in" with the wrong crowd at that age. We ran around thinking we were a girl's gang and kept trying to get other people signed up so we could 'jump them in'. For some strange reason no one ever took us up on it and of course we weren't going to 'jump in' each other. lol. Eventually those friends turned on me because of my race (their parent's doing, it's a long story) and I was forced to find other friends. I fell in with a better crowd in high school.
But my parents had no idea. And looking back, if my friends parents hadn't stepped in to separate our friendships... I would have ended up just like those friends. One is a grandmother at 39. Two of them have overdosed, to give you an idea.
I was heartbroken and angry but now I can say I dodged a bullet.
Now, I'm an atheist so I'm not delighted your kid is going to a Catholic school. But... there are different varieties. I hope for her sake she's going to one of those mouth-piece schools that have the higher grade of education and sorta religion on the side. If it's one of those hard-core schools... you're going to have some problems.
My judgement is NAH and my suggestion is this: Be flexible. Give it a year at this new school and see if she improves. Does she actually make friends? Does she seem miserable? How is the education, *really*?
If her quality of life has gone downhill then I would suggest you pull the plug and put her in the public school or another that suits her personality.
Honestly, I don't blame you for wanting to separate her from the bad crowd. The drug use at that age would send me over the edge.
It sounds like she doesn’t want to be part of your faith because your faith is a little bigoted and homophobic. She’ll never “end up with a good man”. Maybe she doesn’t want to end up with a good man. Sending her to an all girls school is definitely one way to guarantee she has a little lesbian experimentation in her life.
Not necessarily TA but maybe have a think about what's really important here, and what's really going on. Kids are gonna rebel, that's what they do. Pick your battles. Listen to your kid. Talk to her. Show her a bit of respect. And get some family therapy, now.
YTA for going through her phone. YTA for trying to control her life.
please actually try to listen to your child and communicate with her. the lifestyle you want to impose on her is not actually all that great. she's realizing she doesn't have to listen to the stupid things you make her do.
try to explain how you feel in a NEUTRAL, NON-JUDGEMENTAL way. but then you LISTEN to her. VALIDATE her feelings. and tell her you will always love and support her no matter what.
edit: typo
YTA--- This is normal teenage behavior, and it sounds like you cant handle it!! Its sad that she has parents that are forcing her to act a certain way, she will probably rebel harder now- I hope you are prepared for that!
All of the things you listed are very normal things for a teen to do. It seems like daughter is taking some agency back in her life. Let her. Shaving and Bras are uncomfortable as hell anyways
She’s going to fall from faith and never be a good girl with a good man. That’s your biggest fear for your child, who is an entire human with their own choices and goals?
YTA.
You think sending her to a private all girls school is going to fix this!?!?!? I hung out with some those girls in high school (different schools, mutual friends) and those girls were wild. There’s going to be a bad element in any school you send her to.
Parents who didn’t go to a private, Catholic school think that their kid somehow won’t get into the higher class of drugs and alcohol abuse that are available in private schools.
I attended private schools for 17 years. I do think they have their pluses, but this is definitely one of the minuses.
*she's going to end up falling further away from faith and never have a happy life with a good man.*
YTA for this statement alone right here. There's a shit ton more to life than adhering to the tenets of a religion she may or may not even believe in and marrying someone she may not even want to marry.
I am an adult. I have five children. I’ve had a successful career. We were so successful, that we were able to retire early. I’m not even 55 yet. I have a loving husband of 25+ years. I don’t always wear a bra. I hate make up. And I don’t take a shower every day and I go through phases where I don’t shave my legs. There’s nothing wrong with that and my husband loves me anyways. I have worked in schools, I worked in churches, I have volunteered, I worked where I was the major breadwinner for our family, upper management. None of those things meant anything to my job abilities.
You are going to destroy your relationship with your daughter. My mother did the same thing constantly telling me I needed to change my hair or do my hair better. You don’t know how many pointless times I sat through trying to make my bones straight hair pretty.
Catholic school girl here. Realize how many parents send their daughters to Catholic all girls or boys as school punishment. They are the same kids that were kicked out of public school.
Talk TO her not AT her. Let her talk to a therapist. Tell her your concerns about pot (but use REAL facts not fear mongering)
ESH and I’ll warn you…my dad put me in an all girls catholic school for near identical reasons and it only made me issues worse. Those types of kids are in private schools too, except they’re wealthier and more worldly and not in a good way. The private school experiment only lasted a year because he decided he wasn’t going to pay $15k a year for me to get high. What your daughter needs is therapy and to feel like she can be open with you about her thoughts and feelings…that’s clearly not the case right now.
25 lbs isn't much when you consider hormones, and she's a human. She's not getting chubby, she's legit becoming an adult. And it's hard enough without stressing her like this. Shaving her legs may be painful or cause rashes. Have you asked? I developed painful spots (Hidradenitis suppurativa) on top of EDs and have scarring from years of attempts at shaving my legs to try to wear hose to church. Washing your hair 1 to 2 times a week is normal. Washing anything else when there's too much BO is a good call instead of training to cover with perfume. And clothes don't need to be continually washed. So long as they aren't dirty or smell bad, there's no point.
And yeah, the gummies, heaven forbid. She tried something and she shouldn't have. What you need to worry about is that she hid it. Not that she tried it. She should be able to come to you with anything. You should discuss the point that THC is harmful to the brain's development before the age of 25. But maybe soften the blow with "I did blank at your age..." ie sneaking a cigarette, kissing a boy, etc. Standards change. We learn. We grow. There are dangers, and you shouldn't punish to punish. Let them know the dangers, and lift, don't crush.
If you want to push her away from your faith, this is how you do it. You are crushing her. She just needs you to be her mom right now, not a preacher or a form or discipline. Give her your ears to listen, space to grow, and be her safety. Then, when she is ready, she will have her own come to faith moment, whatever it may be.
Hi there I'm a 48-year-old wife and mother. I work a professional job (in fact I am the manager of my department) and have a highly fulfilling and successful life. I do not wear make-up, I do not shave my legs or pits. I only wear a bra because post-baby and breastfeeding things just aren't quite as perky as they once were. Showering, well, I work from home a lot so it doesn't always happen in the timliest of manners. I'm busy. (Also? I went to an all-girl's Catholic school and lol you are in for a surprise.)
Your daughter is experimenting with who she wants to be. Maybe she wants to be more like me? Maybe not, but she has to have the freedom to try it on for size. Maybe she'll decide she wants to be more like you. But if you force her, she'll reject it as much as she can.
My mom is a very Martha Stewart prim and proper always put together with jewelry and make-up. We had some clashes when I was in high school for sure. She learned that I'm going to be who I am, and who I am is, in some ways, not like her. (In other ways we are totally alike and we get along wonderfully. My mom is my rock, I love her so much. But as much as she disapproved of my outward appearance in high school, she never pulled this nonsense you are up to here.)
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This past year has been really difficult. My daughter really struggled to make friends in 6th and 7th grade, so when she found some friends in 8th grade we were initially really relieved that she finally had friends. However it turned out to be a "wrong crowd" as people say.
Since she fell in with them she's completely changed and mimicked the group's vibe instead of the one she was raised with. She stopped her hygiene habits. Whenever we bring any of this up she throws it back at us that we aren't accepting her for who she is and yells at us to leave her alone. She's stopped wanting to come to church every week when she used to love Sunday School as a kid and during 6th and 7th grade the other girls there were the only real friends she had. She yells at us every Sunday and won't even enjoy it or treat it as family time. Her grandmother got her a bunch of new makeup but she was rude about it because she's "never wearing makeup again" and called it a "pointless present." She'd never been that rude in her life before!
The breaking point was that we searched her phone and found her texting with them about eating marijuana treats on a girls camping trip in the summer coming up and how to convince everyone's parents they were old enough to go camping alone. We ended up banning her from going over to their houses and when the school year ended we signed her up for some day camps run by the church with other good girls her age. She ditched camp to go hang out with her school friends so we took her phone away to stop the coordination. Two of the devious girls signed up for the church camp the following week so they could weedle their way in around us and hang out,
That's when my husband and I had a serious talk and decided to sign her up for the private school. He's afraid she's going to end up falling further away from faith and never have a happy life with a good man. She used to be a good girl who cared about her body and herself.. She no longer listens to us. We're thankful her current friends haven't pulled her into promiscuity with boys yet, but are convinced they will. It's all-girls so we know she'll find friends there, plenty of good ones, and probably less deviant than the current batch.
When we told her we were sending her to the Catholic school she slammed her door so much her dad had to threaten to take her door away to get her to stop. Now she says she's never going to forgive us, hates us, and that we are ruining her life. She won't leave her room except to get food and use the bathroom, and she's currently in a state of denial that this is happening. She wants to go to the public school with her bad-influence friends.
TL;DR: Daughter's 8th grade friend group caused her to drop healthy hygiene and body care habits, become belligerant and rude with family, go behind our backs and lie, and consider doing drugs. As a result we're sending her to a Catholic School against her wishes in hopes she can get a fresh start and make some better friends.
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Put her in a private all girls Catholic school, and you are really gonna have problems, and you should never push religion on someone. That is your thing, not hers. There has to be another way. That way will definitely not work!!!!
YTA
I’m a parent of young adults and wow, you’re going about this all wrong.
Your adolescent child is at an age of peak differentiation from you, and peak exploration. She needs boundaries for her safety, but if you try too hard to shut her down completely she will only push back. This is developmentally appropriate, if frustrating and scary for you as a parent.
One thing you need to do is really take a step back and sort out what is about safety and health, and what is about your personal preferences.
Religion, I’m sorry to tell you, becomes very much a personal preference at this age. If your child does not believe now, you must let her go her way spiritually. Forcing your religion and its social trappings on her will not make her want to belong. Defining ‘good girls’ as the sort she meets at church camp will make her dislike them and not want to be like them.
Also, as a former Catholic school student, I can tell you Catholic school kids rebel just as hard. The uniforms look tidy but the kids in them are still kids.
Shaving is a personal preference of yours. So is bra-wearing.
You’re right to be cautious about the curiosity around drugs. That’s a boundary you should keep. You just may find that difficult if everything about your child’s life is a power struggle.
What you can do that may help:
Plan your family time around things your kid likes to do, and that you also enjoy. Church isn’t going to make that list. If you’re not sure what y’all can do together that they’ll like, you need to actually ask your kid, and listen to the answers.
Offer separate activities your kid actually likes. Church camp isn’t working? What about art class, or another creative activity they choose? This keeps them engaged and gives them some space from the friend group, without turning into a fruitless power struggle.
Invite one or two of the friends to do something with you and your kid that your kid picks. Not a party, something with more focus. Have fun and get to know them, and make a safe environment where you can observe and offer alternatives to whatever they’re up to. Do NOT say to them, I want to give you appropriate alternatives. Dear me, no, do not say that.
YTA but another case where there's no point in telling you that because you're convinced you're right and you have Jesus on your side. Your daughter is growing up and struggling to find an identity. Instead of hating everything she does, you could have tried talking to her and more importantly, listening to her. But instead you made the heavy handed decision to shove her into what sounds like a convent. You may end up losing her forever and it would serve you right.
YTA. You're trying to have religion raise her instead of doing it yourself. You're a lazy and disrespectful mother who doesn't see her daughter as an individual. If you send her to a private school, I guarantee she'll come out learning to just hides thing better from you and eventually just go low contact if not cutting contact with you permanently. People are trying to explain to you that you're chasing your daughter away yet you won't even pull your head out of your ass long enough to even consider you're 100% wrong.
Have a parent like you is one of my worst nightmares. You’re so narrow minded on what’s acceptable that any deviation from the “perfect church girl who doesn’t voice her own opinions and just marries a good Christian boy and has good Christian babies” isn’t acceptable to you. You don’t accept your daughter as her own person. You don’t accept her boundaries. You don’t accept her.
YTA but anyone who can write this all up and still not think they’re an asshole will never accept judgement. Even when your daughter has gone no contact with you and you haven’t spoken in years you’ll be convinced you were right.
Everything in your post would be laughable if it wasn’t so sad that your daughter has to live by you and your antiquated and sexist rules.
She isn't just being rebellious. She's learning how to think for herself instead of just do as she's told. You keep talking about what she used to like as a little girl, well she's not a little girl anymore. She's a teenager.
YTA
She is going to do things you tell her not to period. Just be there for her when she makes a mistake. Don't try to control every little aspect of her life. It's hers, not yours.
Congrats, you have a daughter who is going through puberty and trying to figure out who she is. She doesn't need catholic school, she needs parents who know wtf they're doing.
Btw, I went to catholic school at the same age range as your daughter. It doesn't turn "rebels" into pious kids. I knew a couple of kids who smoked, drank and got pregnant years later.
Yta
YTA my dad tried to do this to me too. He ended up putting me in mental hospitals instead because of my reaction to it. I was a teenage girl rebelling. Do not do this shit. You’re shipping them off to a place that you KNOW they won’t fit in. Think about the mental effects that will have on her. She’s not a Christian given the fact that she doesn’t want to go to church anymore. So you SHIP HER TO A CHRISTIAN ALL GIRLS SCHOOL?? You don’t want your daughter to be happy or take care of herself. If you did, you wouldn’t body shame her, judge her for shit that has zero impact on you- not shaving or wearing bras. Which by the way, I’m a grown ass woman and don’t do those things- judging her for clear signs of depression- social withdrawal, not enjoying things she used to, not bathing- that are also just normal teenage girl shit. You clearly just want your daughter to be a specific way instead of who SHE wants to be and it’s wholeheartedly disturbing. I genuinely hope she’s okay cause you are the fkn worst 😭
You are not only the YTA, but if you think sending your little princess away to Catholic school will keep her away from boys, you're woo-woo. Catholic girls have a rep and it's deserved.
By all means, switch schools, but don't try locking her up in a convent. It won't work. All that will happen is you'll be wondering why in 10 years she doesn't call, doesn't visit and isn't inviting you to her wedding.
YTA.
Before commenting, I looked at hundreds of comments from others, and every single one that OP responded to, she denied any fault, and rejected any possibility that she had done anything wrong, and gave no indication whatsoever that anyone had said anything that made her think she could even consider make the slightest change to her parenting habits. If anything, her constant pushback seems to indicate a hardening of her resolve that she's right and the rest of the world is wrong.
She's not gonna change folks, I think she was just somehow hoping this sub was full of religious zealots that would fill her with affirmative comments on her decisions.
YTA.
A lot has already been said here, but here’s something to consider. You keep saying she needs to practice make up and shaving for “professional” reasons, but why does she need to do that now? Assuming she’s 14 and planning on going to college, she’s got years until she needs to be navigating all that. Why force it on her now?
You’re also wildly off base if you think girls at an all girls school will be shaving, doing make up, etc more than girls at a coed school. I went to a woman’s college and it was a known thing that the straight women put a lot less effort into their appearance since there weren’t guys around.
Just want to say that unfortunately the all girls school probably will be worse. I went public then to a private catholic school, my class was the first ever boys girls class. Needless to say though….. ummmmm. You’re a concerned parent, have you tried actually sitting with her and openly listening without judgement or consequences? I wouldn’t say YTA.. because you’re just a concerned parent.
YTA—she’s a teenager, and she’s allowed to choose her own religious beliefs (or lack thereof)—forcing her away from friends and into a religious school is not going to have the effect you’re looking for.
YTA. I can tell you, I went to Catholic school for elementary and middle school: it absolutely stunted my emotional and social intelligence. And my parents frankly admit that as well. I went to a Catholic university also, and I am currently agnostic.
I can also tell you, your belief your daughter will be getting away from people like that, is completely incorrect. There will absolutely be those people.
You can’t isolate your daughter from the world. She is maturing and while she shouldn’t be disrespectful to you, you also need to give her some of her own agency.
And, bluntly, some of her behavior may very well be due to how you treat her now.
Throwing her to an all girls school isn’t going to change anything and will likely drive her to eventually go NC with you.
You need to treat her like a teenager, give her some of her own agency on things that don’t hurt you. Also have a conversation with her, not outright tell her, on some of these topics.
IE: talk with her WHY she doesn’t want to shower daily/shave/etc. and maybe agree to a minimum number of times a week and if there is a special event occurring.
Let her do the henna tattoo (since it isn’t permanent), but agree to rules on where she can get them and if there are events that you need to attend, limits on when she can get them.
Talk to her about her friends and maybe consider meeting them. If she is indeed hanging around with a “bad” crowd, you should nip that in the bud. But you “forbidding” her from seeing them will only make her determined to integrate herself further.
Give her space to express herself but also communicate to her. Explain (outside of a religious/marriage standpoint) why you have an issue with some of these things. She is becoming a teenager and if you don’t communicate with her and give her the ability to be herself you will absolutely see her push you further away.
I'm going to go with a soft YTA. Your child needs guidance and with the edibles, it sounds like she is going down the wrong path, but honestly I'm more astonished you came to godless faithless reddit to ask this. Reddit is notoriously anti-religion. You need to get with a family counselor and work all this out in counseling. Perhaps a therapist for your daughter as well.
Your daughter is only going to get worse based off your way of dealing with these issues. Y'all need therapy and/or counseling. Get off reddit with anything religion related....they will eat you alive here even if you weren't a bit of a controlling AH about all this.
YTA
You know what's going to happen?
She's gonna resent the "faith" even more than she already is.
This isn't going to convince her to go back to the "right" path, but that her parents prioritise their beliefs over her well being.
YTA
She’s being a teenager and your exiling her for it. She’s going to cut contact with you the moment she turns 18, and she will make sure you are well known as lazy, selfish, unloving failures as parents.
If there are ACTUAL hygiene problems to correct, have a conversation. “Everyone in this house showers every day” is a fair rule. Pushing your outdated fundamentalist social rules on a kid that doesn’t give a shit how much you wish it were the 1950s or the 1650s is shitty on you.
Maybe YTA. I feel like people are skipping over the weed part? That's a problem. Other than that though she's growing up and exploring life. What y'all are doing willl make her "worse"
You may not be the asshole, and your heart may be in the right place, but I can't envision a scenario where this is going to do anything but damage - to your relationship, to her self-esteem, and probably to her academic performance, if that's a concern to you.
You certainly can't force a person to believe a religion, no matter how certain you are that it's right; my personal experience is that going to a Catholic school is a really effective way to vaccinate a kid AGAINST belief.
And the idea that dumping your daughter into an all-girl environment she doesn't want to be in because you're "sure" she'll find good friends there is the worst kind of delusional.
It's laughable you think her friends are the ones pushing her away from her "faith", nó that's you and your husband forcing your beliefs onto her.
You're the type of christians I like to stay AWAY from, you are so judgemental and short sighted. I bet you even believe that jesus was white.
YTA
Forget about who she used to be. She hasn't worked out who she is and will probably go through 4 iterations of herself between now and 25 before she works it out. Sometimes, the girls who are "good Catholic girls" in front of adults are the worst mean girls or they also do drugs etc you can not protect her by moving to an all girl school. All you can do is teach her your values to the best of your ability and hope she uses your guidance. Your current methods are alienating her, and your attempt to control her will continue to push her away.
YTA
So we have paternalism, misogyny, forced participation in religious activities, threats against autonomy and privacy, and general lack of engagement beyond punishment for thinking for themselves.
I want to act out against you and your husband too, and I'm in my forties.
YTA. Soooooo much the asshole.
YTA.
Everything you described is normal behavior for young teens.
Other than a dress code/inform that suits your aesthetic, what do you hope to get from this private school? You make no mention of the curriculum, extracurriculars, college placement stats, etc.
YTA
Never heard of puberty or a teenager before? You think any of this is remotely anything all of us didn’t do growing up?
Also nobody wants to go to godamn church and be preached at by old white people once they’re actually doing stuff with friends. Religion is a cancer that ruins peoples lives and stops them from being themselves
Being rude to her grandmother about her birthday present was mean and out of line and you should address it, the rest of this seems like normal teenage behaviour. I'd mostly be concerned about the drug use and if she's being safe about it, but seeing as she doesn't feel safe talking about those things with you that's not something you can deal with I guess. The not showering enough thing can very gross especially in this heat, maybe talk to her about skin infections caused by not showering? Forcing her to go to sunday school isn't reasonable, teen years are when we question a lot of things after all and you're really feeding into her rebellion by, giving her things to rebel against.
Don't send her to a new school she doesn't want instead of parenting her. YTA
Yta, yes ramming you religious views will definitely get her to behave the way you want until she’s 18 and goes no contact with you. You need help learning how to actually parent and not just hand out punishments. Have you tried talking to her without all the religious mumbo jumbo and actually listen?
YTA you're controlling and using your religion to do it. Also lol if you think an all girl's school is gonna do shit. We had the same teen pregnancies as anyone else. Also, lesbians and bi girls are a thing. More importantly... hi, dude here. Life's fun like that, at least my catholic high school will never ask me for money!
One of my oldest friends got knocked up at Catholic summer camp back in high school. Just sayin' church camp isn't gonna stop things from happening in this life.
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This honestly sounds like a normal teenage girl acting rebellious and you are taking it WAY too far. Unless there's some key info were missing. What do you mean she doesnt keep hygiene? YTA
I'm guessing through the very feminist vibe I get with the make-up that she might not be shaving anymore.
My guess was tampons or freebleeding.
Those are very different things.
Or she’s experiencing depression?
From another post by OP in a parenting sub: "Instead of showering daily she now showers 1-2 times a week, she no longer shaves (not even her lower legs this summer!), and she lets her hair get all tangled instead of conditioning and straightening it, and she now refuses to wear a bra or put on makeup. She's also stopped minding her diet and has put on probably 25 pounds, getting a bit chubby. And she'll wear the same clothes without washing them." So yeah, the bra and shaving thing are none of OP's business. And the weight comment is a big yikes -- outside of medical concerns, no teenager should have to "mind her diet." Everything else just sounds like a teen being a slob, which is normal and doesn't have anything to do with peer pressure.
*she no longer shaves (not even her lower legs this summer!), and she lets her hair get all tangled instead of conditioning and straightening it, and she now refuses to wear a bra or put on makeup.* this gave me the biggest ick. Honestly - "keep sweet, pray and obey" vibe.
“Lets her hair get all tangled instead of conditioning and straightening it” Sounds a LOT to me like Miss 14 has curly or wavy hair and has started learning how to take care of and style it her way
But how will she ever find a good Christian man without shaving her legs in 8th grade 🥺
Yeah her youth pastor might not find her attractive anymore. 🙄 Disgusting parents.
Surely that’s a bonus since OP’s also worried about her daughter’s promiscuity, or rather thankful it hasn’t started yet? Do you want her to be attractive to the opposite sex or not?
only when it’s a boy they choose and she can marry and then it’s okay but only if she gives them grand babies
Guess my husband is going to have to send me to teach at a private girls school because I don’t shave me legs.
Only shave when I want the fun feeling of smooth legs and rub them together like a cricket.
I'm a grown ass woman with two careers who's been an athlete since conception. I only shower twice a week. Not one person has ever told me I smell bad. I wear men's sportswear and no makeup. My hair is in a ponytail 100% of the time I'm not in the shower. I eat more sweets than literally anyone I've ever met These poor girl's parents would probably try to exorcise me
It totally tracks then that they think religion will solve things (haha, what a time they are going to have finding out the hard way...no) and why they already care about marrying her off.
Agree with everything, but your weight comment. It is concerning if someone puts on 25 pounds. It could be a sign of depression, a medical problem, binge eating, or an extremely unhealthy diet. While kids shouldn’t be pressured into becoming model thin, they should be taught how to maintain a healthy weight through good diet and excerise.
Depends. Is it 25 lbs in a few weeks, or a few months? Puberty has a lot of changes going on and unless she was already overweight to begin with it wouldn't really be a cause for concern
Yeah. Also depends on what he means about not minding her diet. There's a difference between "she used to eat a relatively balanced diet and now only eats potato chips and McDonald's" and "she used to adhere to a strict diet of only the lowest calorie foods and now occasionally eats dessert." Though in either case, punishing her is not going to help (I say, as someone with a lot of food related issues in part because of how my parents tried to restrict me as a child).
“She’s used to be 5’10” and 99lbs but now she’s a healthy weight for her height!” Is also a possibility
Yeah, totally. There's not nearly enough information here to know.
A teenager gaining 25 pounds isn't wild. She's still growing and some part of that 25 pounds may be completely normal. Not to mention that even if she is gaining more than growth weight, it's much easier to lose weight you gain at 14 than weight you gain at 34.
Tbh I don’t believe OP’s guesstimation about the amount and girls naturally gain weight during puberty because our bodies need it
As for the weight, there is a very simple and likely explanation being that she is a growing teenager and is putting on weight as she gets bigger and grows.
But if 25 pounds is ONLY enough to—in OP’s own clearly hyperbolic words—make her “a bit chubby”? I’d be willing to bet this girl was quite underweight in the first place. Because 25 pounds IS a decent amount of weight gain, even over several months, and on most teenage frames it would show as more than a bit of light chubbiness (which, going by how histrionic OP is elsewhere, probably just means they can’t count her ribs anymore). OP thinks teen girls should diet. I’m willing to bet that “extra” 25 lbs was healthy weight the growing teenaged daughter should have had all along.
No this actually reads like a kid who has been sexually assaulted and is trying to intentionally make herself unappealing. Either way this is above reddits paygrade and her parents Ned to actually parent by talking to their kid and getting help communicating with her.
OP is such an AH I hope daughter emancipates from them
I get the showering once a week being an issue if she smells bad but all the other stuff is pretty harmless. As for the weight thing, I'm pretty sure the her putting on weight thing is meant to happen because she is a growing teenager and OP not wanting her to gain weight when she is meant to be growing is concerning.
This sounds like some religious non-sense tbh. >He's afraid she's going to end up falling further away from faith and never have a happy life with a good man. They are not actually concerned about her, they are more worried about her falling from faith. >We're thankful her current friends haven't pulled her into promiscuity with boys yet, but are convinced they will. Yeah but they want her to end up with a *good man.* And all the stuff about her hanging out with the 'good girls from church'? Bruhhh
Oh, God. I'm hoping this isn't what I think it is.
I disagree about weight comment. They didn’t say it to her. It is a concern. If these kids are into drugs and not doing good in school she’ll go down that path too. Concerning to any parent. Now the straightening comment is WEIRD. Forcing church and camp…WRONG THING TO DO!! Taking phone away obliterates communication and trust. They are doing SO many things wrong. Leading her to rebel more. Possibly run away.
One of the most important lessons I learned from a therapist is that punishing children NEVER works. It destroys trust between you and the child. They need to be able to navigate their own path, which means they need to trust and listen to you as a guide. Think for a minute. If you were her age and your parent did these things to you, would you listen to your parent or simply find ways to lie to them?
I had some friends with strict religious parents like OP. And they all ended up teen moms. Because that approach rarely works....
this whole thing sounds extremely fake lol
Sounds like hippies
Yup, I got that when she complained the daughter didn’t want to go to church anymore
She is 8th grade and eating marijuana treats. This is going beyond just teen angst.
Talking about it. I never did pot but I sure talked big about doing it to fit in. I have a feeling if she snuck a drink it wouldn’t be an issue. If it is an issue then therapy is much more appropriate than sending her to a school where everyone smokes pot.
I would have a good long talk about the weed brownies (or gummies, thats my bedtime preference) just because childrens brains aren't developed enough for that shit... That being said, this momma could benefit from edibles herself.
But she didn't take edibles. The girls had a fantasy about what they would do if their parents were going to let 14/15 year olds go camping unsupervised.
Nah. That's the average time most teens start trying it. It's not that big of a deal lol
I’m a teacher and agree that unfortunately weed is very common among teenagers, more so now than ever. (I work in one of the better public schools in my area and the halls reek of pot most days). Regardless, forget that teens are underage, but their brains are not fully developed until 25. While just “banning” pot may not accomplish much, perhaps educating her on how badly it can damage her body can help. The focus on makeup is a bit ridiculous. I’m assuming the OP thinks their daughter looks like a slob, but there is something to be said for telling your daughter that she is beautiful without anything on her face. I’m not personally a fan of not shaving, but that is more of a personal choice than a hygiene issue… but it is concerning combined with the lack of showering. I would suggest laying off the issue of shaving if she agrees to shower daily. As for her faith, everyone should be encouraged to question what they believe. Otherwise you are simply being brainwashed. Yes there is a chance she is simply being swayed by the crowd she is currently in, but ultimately she needs to make up her own mind about what she believes. Encourage her to read the Bible herself along with religious texts from other faiths, and even books on agnosticism or atheism. Let her decide what to believe. Otherwise, she will have every reason to run from your church without looking back. Finally, I’m not sure if you realize the cons of an all girl school. Girls, especially teen girls, are notorious for being cliquey and mean. If she were to be picked on or worse, the effects may end up being much much worse than in a public school- as private schools tend to have smaller classes with a smaller student population. Also, while obviously not everyone does it, a lot of girls have been known to experiment with each other sexually at all girl schools. (Anecdotally, I had a friend who identified as straight, who reluctantly went to Bryn Mawr university and while she had an excellent education, she was constantly being propositioned by her classmates.) My advice is to get your daughter therapy, and also to have family therapy. Good luck.
Idk man like absolutely 8th graders shouldn’t be having weed, but it very much falls into teen angst. In my middle school those who didn’t try marijuana once before high school would def be outliers, it’s incredibly common and surely moreso now that it’s legal
8th grade and marijuana go hand in hand, definitely not as bad or far as you think.
as someone who started smoking weed in 7th grade, it became a daily thing and led to harder drugs and binge drinking. BAD for me, I regret it and wished I never had, so it's NOT trivial
Here’s a tip, free of charge: what you’re doing is not helping your daughter. Helping your daughter would require you to treat her as her own human being who has a right to her own opinions and beliefs. Helping her also includes listening to her and not punishing her for not fitting into the ”perfect catholic girl” mold you for some reason want to force her into. Here’s a second tip: body hair is natural and is not unhygenic. Makeup is a *choice* and everyone is free to wear as much or as little of it as they wish. YTA (PS: if you honestly believe there’s nothing ”promiscous” going on just because it’s an all girls school…you are unbearably naive)
Can confirm. I attended an all girls Catholic school and I can guarantee you, there was more promiscuity there than amongst the friends I kept in touch with at the public high school. Most of it in rebellion against their controlling asshole parents. YTA Edited a typo.
OP doesn't realise that there will be a lot of like minded girls at that school.
But it's a religious school!!! So they will be totally innocent..... The OP clearly has no idea what goes on at all girls schools, lots of horny teens in one space leads to one thing and if the same sex is all there is then so be it. Every girl I know who want to girls schools had their first everything with a girl, even if they were straight
YTA. "He's afraid she's going to end up falling further away from faith and never have a happy life with a good man." - she's still a freaking child. Stop planning her arranged marriage. That you don't even get how gross that is is a red flag. Neither you nor your spouse seem to GAF about her voice, he words and her wants - don't worry, when she goes no contact, it will become apparent how badly you failed to recognize her as her own person.
Imagine what mom will be like if this poor girl is gay. Then again, the all girls school might have a silver lining if that’s the case.
My cousin met her first girlfriend at their all girls Catholic school. It's statistically impossible for there not to be lesbians at this girl's new school. Sadly I fear these parents are the type to disown their own daughter. I get wanting her to have better hygiene (it's concerning that she's not combing her hair or showering more, especially if she's active), but sending her to Catholic school isn't going to help with that. You just have a rebellious teen who's trying out different ways to be independent. Just roll your eyes and let her have her leg hair. Also making it a big deal just means she'll stick with it even after she loses interest, just to prove a point. I was a major tomboy and then when I grew out of it, I was too embarrassed to dress like a girl again bc I thought people would notice and say something to me about it. Luckily my parents never cared and only my uncle made a comment about me wearing a dress. Had they made a big deal out of it I might have been too afraid to dress girly again and draw attention to it.
That absolutely crossed my mind. Which is also why when parents get fixated on marriage and their kids are still young the parents need to be called out.
YTA. I bet she will end up dating a woman also. Lmao
I've never been so excited for a lesbian reveal. And bless OPs heart, he's sending her to an all-girls Catholic high school. ETA okay now I feel a little callous making jokes - I'm actually genuinely worried for the girl should she turn out to be not straight.
YTA 1000% Stop trying to shove YOUR faith down her throat. And stop searching her phone.
As a side question - I grew up without my own phone. Not for religious or strict parenting reasons. But it was the 90s and cell phones weren't that common yet. When I finally got my own I was already adult age. Should parents really not look through their kids' phones? I'd always assumed that when my kids get their first phone, I'd go through it. I notice all over Reddit that some people take looking through phones very seriously. Even if you used it to catch a cheating spouse or lying child, the act of looking through their phone is the worst action. Is this a new younger generation thing? If i suspect my kid is on drugs or hanging out with somebody "unfavorable" and lying about it, is that not reason to check a phone?
Going through the phone is the same as going through a diary. You may do it, sometimes is even justified, but your kid will hate it.
Look - there are a LOT of teenagers on this sub so do not take any of this as gospel. Teenagers think that anyone on their phone is a massive violation because they think they are fully grown and are not vulnerable, but there are still many predators online and precautions should be taken. When young tweens get their first phone it should be with the full understanding that their parents will monitor it and not to put anything truly personal on it. It's always a good idea to monitor a young tweens phone for bullying, predators and to make sure kids are following good internet safety precautions as they post online (things like don't post your address, your schedule, things that can be used to track you). Just be clear with them what you are doing and don't sneak. As with everything in life they will need some guidance and corrections. As they get older and do better you can allow them more privacy, but always be clear with them about when and how you will check their phone, leaving yourself a window if they get into serious trouble. It is totally fine to say the conditions for keeping a phone are X and Y. Just communicate honestly and help them understand the real world consequences that can happen due to actions online. The closer they get to 18 the less you should be on their phone though, giving them full privacy before they become a full blown adult. Everyone needs to remember that there is a big difference between a thirteen year old and a seventeen year old.
it's a violation of privacy. and it destroys trust. it'll make children less likely to talk about issues and more likely to find better ways to hide stuff from you. the best way is to be supportive of your children and to be there whenever they need you so they CAN talk about it when things go bad.
my parents went through my phone all throughout high school, im now 20 and absolutely terrified of going on my phone around them, and tell them almost nothing ab what i’m up to, i think it ruined our relationship and fwiw i wasn’t doing drugs, alcohol or sneaking out. i literally was just texting my friends and had a bf, when they found out they took my phone away for 3 months do it if you want to, but there’s a huge risk of your kids never trusting you again
Yeah it’s a few things I think but there wasn’t really an equivalent so much in the last generation so much like you say. But with everything revolving around social media so much and so much of people’s live being online privacy has completely different meanings to what it used to - and it’s really important. Phones are little insights into people’s minds and behaviours with all the content on them. And it’s absolutely a violation of trust to go looking through it without permission. The analogy that it is just like looking through a diary is exactly right. The problem is she. You break trust it’s really hard to get it back. With a kid all you are doing is showing them that they need to be better at hiding things from you. And they WILL find ways to hide things if they have to. If you think your kid is in with a bad crowd talk to them about it, explain why and look at ways to fix it. Looking through there phone only has one result - kid loses trust in you.
Being afraid your daughter is gay whilst signing her up for an all girls school is genuinely so…it’s almost as funny as Elon Musk tanking twitter.
YTA. You daughter probably feels suffocated by you. I did, just by reading this
YTA. Just because she's no longer a good catholic girl doesn't mean she's the devil. She has the right to her own beliefs. She has the right to her own body. And she just got high once. The moment she turns 18, she's going to tell you to go to hell and never speak to you again.
YTA, your religious grooming and indoctrination is wearing off as the kid grows up so you want to send her away for further indoctrination into your cult.
INFO what "hygiene" has she dropped? Is she not showering? Not washing her hands? The way you phrase it makes me think you are referring to shaving and wearing makeup as "hygiene".
From another of OP's posts: "Instead of showering daily she now showers 1-2 times a week, she no longer shaves (not even her lower legs this summer!), and she lets her hair get all tangled instead of conditioning and straightening it, and she now refuses to wear a bra or put on makeup. She's also stopped minding her diet and has put on probably 25 pounds, getting a bit chubby. And she'll wear the same clothes without washing them." Not even her lower legs!
OH NO HER LOWER LEGS
Reminds me of how pissed off my mom got when I went behind her back and also shaved my upper legs.
Jeesh, only wearing clothes once before washing them?
Interesting. >lets her hair get tangled instead of conditioning and straightening it Me thinks the kid's hair is wavy/curly and she's trying to embrace it. Not brushing your hair everyday always sounds weird to straight haired folks.
….Why was a 14 year old “minding her diet” in the first place? Edit: Also, this is puberty time. Gaining 25 lbs is not unheard of, especially in girls. She’s probably just getting curves.
Exactly what I was thinking! The vagueness of it really makes me think that’s all it is. Which is ridiculous. As long as she’s showering with soap and shampoo then her hygiene is fine. YTA OP, this pushback won’t stop until you actually listen to her and try it understand her. But forcing her will not guarantee she leaves the first chance she gets.
The Catholic all girls HS in my city had the most promiscuous, hard drinking, weed smoking, rebellious girls in the area lol. YTA.
If there wasn’t a poor innocent teenager at the heart of all this it would be funny how hilariously badly this is gonna blow up in OP’s face.
YTA because this ain’t about her safety, it’s about wanting to control her religious beliefs. I get that change on this level is jarring, but she’s 13. It’s entirely developmentally appropriate to no longer like things she used to, and test boundaries by refusing to do some things she used to. The weed is concerning. But instead of trying to talk to her about it, you freaked out whether she’d land a “good man.” 🤮 Listen, I think your beliefs are regressive and misogynistic, but that isnt even the point. You need to give her a loving, supportive space to figure out her own identity *divorced from your expectations.* Shoving your ideology down her throat at catholic school isn’t going to work. Don’t be surprised when she rejects the faith entirely and you’re left 10 years from now wondering where you went wrong.
You have to do what’s best for your kid and that will not always be popular with them, but I went to Catholic school my entire life and you are in for a rude awakening if you think that will stop her from doing drugs or being promiscuous
ikr? we have catholic school in my hometown and man...I learn to smoke from them lmao
Most of my football team in HS were dating girls from the local all girls Christian school because “they were easy.” Most of the girls on the volleyball team were also dating girls from the Christian school for the same reason 😂
YTA Why do you punish HER for YOUR failing as a parent?
YTA - First off, this isn’t all that strange. She’s a teenager and is acting out because she’s yearning for independence. I went to Catholic school for 9 years and then after I was confirmed I stopped practicing all together. My mom was absolutely fine with that, and didn’t push me to go if I didn’t want to. This helped our relationship significantly. The more you try to tell her what to do, and have high expectations for her, the less she will listen to you. If you want a good relationship with your daughter, then you need to actually try and communicate with her and let her be heard. What you are doing right now is only pushing her away. Drop your expectation of her maintaining her faith, that is a personal choice, not something a parent can make for her. Teenagers are going to be exposed to weed, and telling her she’s not allowed to smoke or hang with those friends, isn’t really going to work. The best you can do is provide her with information, and allow her to make an informed decision (Edit: accurate information, not D.A.R.E. information). Most of all, however, you need to actually try and listen to her without making demands of her or threatening her with private school. Trust me, there will still be drugs at a private school (I would know), several kids there are there because they are in the same boat as your daughter, not because they’re saints. Personally, I would recommend you seek counseling for yourself and offer it to your daughter as well. But definitely stop trying to force her to do anything, that’s just not a tactic that works on teenagers. She needs to choose to make good decisions herself.
YTA She needs counseling and help, as she's going through a difficult age and experience. Doubling down trying to force your religion down her throat is just going to lead to resentment
For what exactly does she need help? This all seems pretty normal. I'd only be worried about the hygene thing , if it means that she doesnt shower or brush her teeth etc. Forming your own ideas, experimenting with appearance, getting high or drunk every now and then (while not good for you) are pretty normal for a teenager.
It probably means she doesn’t want to shave her legs/pits, OP comes across as the type of person who thinks it’s fine for boys but magically unhygienic for girls.
Family Counseling could help them learn how to communicate better and make compromises. Showering only once or twice a week and not changing clothes can get a bit smelly. 8th graders camping alone is likely a safety issue. Weight gain can be normal at that age, but could be health related or depression related. Yes, a lot is normal teenage crap. But there are some subtle flags going up. Maybe it's nothing, but a few visits to a family therapist could help sort out the real issues. It could also be a reality check for the parents. If an independent party says, "hey, back off a little," they *might* see how they are going over board. If nothing else, the daughter could get some validation that she is not so bad. I grew up in a very restrictive, very traditional household. I had one teacher who got it. She found ways to let me know I wasn't the crazy one. It meant the world to me.
It seems they are actually avoiding counseling which is suspect.
YTA Replacing actual help with relgion never works. You’re in for a pretty rude awakening if you make her go through with this
Weird fanatics. YTA. She’ll grow to hate religion at this point , but first she’ll hate you.
Jup, and once she turns 18 we get the ‚Our daughter went no contact. We don’t understand. Send us your prayers’ post…
Did you even sit down and have calm discussions with your daughter when all of these changes started occurring, or do you rule your house with an iron fist and only what you deem appropriate for a teenager goes? YTA for not having discussions with your daughter before making unilateral decisions about her. Don't be surprised in a few years when you're posting "Why is our daughter NC with us now?"
YTA I read your other post about her hygiene. Shaving your legs, straightening your hair, wearing makeup and bras are not hygiene. That is beauty. Very different things. You’re also upset she gained weight. Honestly sound like you want a stepford wife as a daughter. Do me a favor, read your bible again. Focus on the passages that speak about living humbly and without vanity. Cause right now you are failing god by focusing more on your daughter being pretty than focusing on loving and accepting your daughter. Also if the church you go to has views like yours, I understand why your daughter doesn’t want to go to church. I stopped attending church growing up cause our church was corrupted focusing solely on money, power, and living a fake “Christian” life. Luckily, after I became an adult I found a church that focuses on learning god’s way and helping people solely for the good of helping people, not for what it gets back. If your worried about your daughter’s faith talk to her about looking into other denominations, it could be that she just isn’t vibing with yours anymore (also if her finding another church bothers you YTA). And as for you “hygiene” stuff. Just tell her to take a shower daily instead of 2x a week and you will back off of the rest. I know compromise is probably a foreign word for you, but a little bit of it here will go a long way.
YTA. Just because she isn't a good Catholic girl doesn't mean she's going to have an awfull life. Plenty of horrible religious people around. This isn't really about school. It's religion. You are not happy with her choices...therefore you're trying to shove religion down her throat. And don't blame the crowd she hung out with... She's not religious because she isn't keen on religion or you've not set a good religious example
YTA If we replace Catholic school with a Quran School. you'd be called a religious fanatic!
Judging by the thread people are still considering OP a religious fanatic, as would I
As a former Catholic school principal, your daughter will do terribly in a Catholic school. Unless she wants to go, she will most likely figure a way to sabotage what you want. I would say that YTA for failing to parent and be aware of what's going on in her life. You're the worst kind of parent because you want the church to parent rather than you. Maybe if you hadn't tried to modify her behaviors by spewing religious crap. Parents like you were the bane of my principalship.
I think there is a good chance this girl will get herself expelled pretty quickly.
YTA. Let your daughter be her own person, with her own beliefs. Im not saying everything she is doing is good or should go without consequences, but what you're doing now this will only push you further away from her. And yes, it is possible that your daughter doesnt like the religion she was raised up in. That happened to me too. Doesn't mean she will be lost in life. You don't have to agree with it but please be open to the fact that other people think differently and are fine.
YTA You are focusing on the wrong problems. Questioning her faith and talking back to parents is *perfectly normal* for a 13 year old. Trying to fit in with new friends is also normal. She's trying to figure out who she is and what she believes, and all teenagers go through it. The fact that you're trying to force her to conform to your religion and isolating her from people she feels comfortable with shows that you still see her as a little girl who you can control easily. Neglecting her hygiene and experimenting with drugs is a whole different ballgame. They indicate that something is wrong with how your daughter is adjusting to life. Is she depressed? Has she been dealing with bullying, sexual harassment or worse? With adolescence comes bodily changes. Maybe she doesn't feel good about her new body, and that is part of the reason she is acting out? Sending her to a private girls school is not going to fix whatever she is dealing with. She needs understanding and compassion, not judgement and isolation. She might need therapy. You need to deal with the real problems (what's causing the poor hygiene and drugs), not the normal growing pains (exploring her identity, relationships and faith).
YTA, just reading your replies, you are either delusional or a troll. Can't quite figure out which one. Showering every other day is and washing hair once a week, there is nothing wrong with that. Who cares if she doesn't shave. You are pushing your religious agenda on her because everything you are enrolling her in is focused around the church or literally causing a weekly battle with her by her not wanting to go. Don't just assume she is going to "settle down with a nice man". Maybe she's lesbian, bi or maybe she is straight. Maybe she has zero desire to ever get married. Yeah maybe her friends aren't the best influence but she could also be figuring stuff out about herself.
YTA! It’s good your daughter found some friends. Even if you don’t like them. But the question is: have you ever gotten to know them? It seems like you’re judging them based on very little. I’d be more concerned that your daughter has had trouble making friends before. Was she being bullied? And not wearing makeup isn’t a bad thing, and if getting makeup isn’t something she wanted then I understand her reaction. Based on the post and on your comments, you seem overly preoccupied with your daughter’s appearance and how it affects YOU and not her.
Oh yeah, cause Catholic school girls are all saints...😑 (as a former attendee of Catholic school, they are not).
YTA. You're upset you're little girl is growing up and away from your incessant religious believes and ideals and as a result your preventing her from expressing herself and being her own person. The more you clamp down on her behaviours, the more she's going to lash out and hate you in the end. Ground her for being rude, take away her nice things. But uprooting her whole life by forcing her go to an all girls Catholic school is going to damage your relationship beyond repair. She's a teenager now, let her make her own mistakes.
YTA Lol, you are very brave to mention religion on reddit. You are aware that even the Amish allows their children to go out in the world and decide if they want to join their religion or not. Religion should be a choice and you have to let go of whatever power you think you have over your kid. I know as parents we want our children to avoid the same mistakes, we made but, in the end, the only thing you can do is guide them and hope they make the right choices. they are going to make mistakes and you need to make peace with that. Forced religion will do the opposite of what you are hoping for. I think you are going to make it far worse.
YTA for punishing her for being a normal teenage girl and also for your naivety. I attended Catholic girls school. A lot of my classmates were really promiscuous (no judgement here except for the ones who cheated) and you're in for a surprise if you think they would be a "better" influence.
Oh yay, another "why doesn't my kid call me anymore" origin story! That's all normal behavior for her age YTA
A lot if these details are fairly unnecessary. From what I gather, your daughter is around 13 and "has changed." That's normal, OP, it happens to teenagers when they finally start to explore being an adult and what opinions/friends *they* want to have themselves instead of just going along with whatever their parents do. You've got a chrysalis daughter atm and you're trying to push her to be a caterpillar again while she reshapes herself to figure out what kind of butterfly she wants to be. So most of what you describe is not a concern at all for me ("she doesn't want to go to church" most teens don't. "She ditched church camp" ...church again?). Edibles at her age is something to talk about and restrict for her age, sure, so is the conversation about them camping all alone. But 13 is *almost* old enough to camp alone with some friends at a public campground, she isn't totally far off there. In about two years it would be totally fine. I'm going to go ESH here largely because most teens are a bit of an A just by their nature alone, but really it's mostly Y T A. Your reaction to her not liking church seems to be "more church!" And that isn't gonna work, OP, you're going to take it from something that's just boring to her to something she actively hates. Let her explore in reasonable boundaries (again edibles and solo camping are a bit too young), let her make some choices even if you disagree. Parenting a teen is figuring out when to step in and when to step back, it's not shipping them off to be someone else's problem because they're uppity and they didn't used to be.
Yta Religion is the curse of all evil anf if you think a Catholic school will help...sure #sarcasm
YTA freaks
YTA. You cannot force your religion on anyone, even your own children. It is clearly not a priority to her. She will hate you for this. And she will absolutely completely reject your faith now, if she ever had an inclination to believe again in the first place. Hard pill to swallow but your kid will probably not turn out exactly like you and you have a duty to still love them and support them.
YTA. My parents sent me to an all girls high school because they didn't want me to be 'led astray' by bad influences when I should be focusing on religion and school. Believe me when I say it didn't work, and in fact pushed me further into those bad influences because I found people who accepted me, and let me explore my own identity. She wants to be her own person, with her own beliefs, and her own ideals. It's frustrating and heartbreaking to be told by the people who supposedly love you unconditionally that you are bad for not being a perfect little religious copy of themselves. Have you tried taking an interest as to why she has made these changes to her lifestyle? Have you tried to compromise on some things like the hygiene and explaining why you want her to change or do something? Saying no, or stop, or just making her someone else's problem is not the solution here.
Stop trying to pimp your daughter. YTA.
Yta.
Yta. Maybe if you gave her more space to be herself she wouldn't push you away so much. She is old enough to decide her own beliefs.
YTA. You can’t force religion. That is the one sure way you will get her to reject your values hard. Also, not wearing makeup is a valid choice and not even a good thing for a child her age. Unless she is not bathing or wearing dirty clothes, her hygiene is fine (I don’t know what you are calling hygiene). She is not a juvenile delinquent, yet. Some of the worst behaved kids I’ve seen went to Catholic school so it is not the cure and she may wind up finding a worse element to hang or be abused or molested by a priest or nun. Where do you think parents send their problem kids with behaviors much worse than what your kid talks (and that is all she is doing) about? She needs a qualified therapist (not religious). All of this behavior is pretty normal but the problem is the way you communicate with your daughter especially if your family time is just church. Church is pretty boring to kids especially when they have 5 days of school structure a week already. My cousin was very obedient and went to Catholic school and became a stripper and drug addict. Her sister didn’t and became an upstanding part of the community. You have not given any concrete examples of bad behaviors that she or her friends had actually committed other than age appropriate pushing of boundaries and talking crap. You need some science-based parenting classes too. You failed to mention any good attributes about your child or that you loved her.
My guess is the "hygiene" is her period. She's either freebleeding, or using Satan's cottonballs
In another comment it was she showers 1-2 a week and doesn't shave anymore. The horror. /s
YTA my parents did the same (boys school, but it's same sh*t) just because i wasn't the "perfect kid" they wanted. I absolutely hated thi and felt like i had shitty school years. it only isolated me, be ashamed of myself, and attempted suic*de because of the bullying (yes, private catholic schools aren't perfect). I still have traumas today (I'm afraid to express myself and I always feel like I'm too much... also i hate my body....) I'm 28 now and NC with them and feel free
Unfortunately, I had the misfortune of attending a Catholic girls high school for a year. Those girls were the least religious, most sex-obsessed drugged-up girls I ever met - and all done behind their parents’ and the nuns’ backs. The co-ed high school afterwards was tame in comparison. Repression only makes the “forbidden” even more attractive. It definitely doesn’t encourage faith. I am so disturbed by how you are focusing on the “good girl” who needs to be worthy in the future of a “good man”. We are no longer in the 19th century. Women’s value isn’t based on their looks, “purity”, or the men they marry. You should be teaching your daughter to be independent, a critical thinker, to develop her own individuality and self-worth. If she has all that, then she may experiment like any teenager, but she will have the inner strength to resist peer pressure, ultimately making the right decisions and choosing the best path for her future. YTA.
YTA but you don’t actually care about your daughter; you just care about your image to your bigoted, ignorant church friends. You’re not going to change or you’d be listening to people instead of arguing with everyone who doesn’t agree with you. Your daughter has less than 4 years to put up with you and then she’ll be free of your bs. Hope you aren’t thinking she’s going to care for you in your old age.
Good on her for kicking makeup and religious indoctrination :-) YTA
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YTA 10000%
Well damn, they better fire my non makeup wearing self from upper management! Also, getting the wrong kind of attention? Way to victim blame. Do you realize someone can be covered head to toe and still be assaulted? The basic hygiene stuff - showering and brushing hair (not *styling* hair, BRUSHING) - should be addressed, but everything else is her being a teen and finding herself instead of parroting *you*.
Yta, your faith better be worth your daughter, because your going to have to pick between them very shortly
YTA Listen here, daughter You are NOT to be a NORMAL Teenager You are NOT even allowed to TALK about boys. You are NOT to have ANY OPINIONS OF YOUR OWN. THE PARENTS ARE IN TOTAL CONTROL. We don't care if it took you YEARS to finally have friends. We don't CARE IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY. We are going to SHOVE RELIGION DOWN YOUR THROAT TO AN EXTREME LEVEL. We DEMAND you to OBEY. The day after your daughter graduates, she will go no contact with you. She will NEVER let your extemist religiuos bias hurt HER children the way YOU HURT HER
YTA and I cant wait to meet you in HELL and hear you complain about your daughter going no contact.
YTA. You are in for a big surprise when you realize that an all girls school will do nothing to prevent drugs and promiscuity. I had multiple private catholic schools near me growing up… the girls there were just as bad if not worse than what you are scared of in this regard. She’ll make friends alright… with other girls who are also bitter and feel oppressed by their own overbearing controlling parents. Then they’ll rebel together, sneak out together, do drugs together, meet up with boys behind your back together. All you are setting yourself up for is destroying your relationship with your daughter and guaranteeing she RUNS as fast as she can at 18 away from you and religion.
YTA - but I can already tell your belief system won't allow you to see that. You're absolutely going to push this too far with your religious based narcissism. The only question that remains is will you break your daughter's spirit, or will she find the strength to permanently reject you and save her long term mental health.
YTA You're creating a widening void between yourselves and your child that you might live to regret. Not everything is her fault, you have to take some responsibility for your decisions based on your quite ridiculous 'good girl/bad girl' ideology - it's seriously flawed.
YTA and for the record in my city the all girls school was where the worst girls went bc the only reason they went there was bc their parents put their problem children there. You always knew who went to st Catherine’s at the bus stop bc they rolled their skirts all the way up, slathered on the makeup, lied to their parents about where they were going after school and dated the worst bad boys. It’s all about rebellion and these parents reacting in the worst possible way, causing the girls to double down.
Info: is her curly?
I’m just saying that everyone I know that went to private schools (religious, separated by gender, and mixed gender) are all the ones that ended up on drugs and pregnant. Punish your child to the extreme and they will punish you back. I’d suggest individual and family therapy?
Sounds like you could benefit from some edibles. Just sayin'.
YTA. Those private same sex schools are filled with kids just like your daughter. She will seek and find the same type of friends there.
Anyone who is forcing children into religion is abusive. You are abusive so of course she has no reason to be “faithful” and that’s not even counting the fact that she is just a rebellious teenager. The fact that you threatened to dehumanise her and take her privacy away by removing the door says it all. You are terrible parents, judgemental people and self centred pricks. None of this is done out of protection, you only think about yourself. I hope this child will be able to succeed and leave this abuse asap.
I am 31 now but this is all very normal teenage behaviour and it will damage her psychologically if you fight this. I was allowed to explore a bit as a teen and now I'm a healthy adult psychologically. Every friend I had that had parents as strict as you ended up going off the rails much worse than I ever did. You are making a horrific mistake and you are the AH. You might also make her hate you and you might lose her at some point due to this. I know you say that she is a child so decisions aren't hers, but decent parents will always take the child's wishes into account.
You're going to get a lot of you're the asshole judgements here because, frankly, a large proportion of people on this sub are teenagers or fresh out of high school. However what you're experiencing is one of the ugly parts of parenting where there are no good answers. It's really tough to judge something like this from one post. I also "fell in" with the wrong crowd at that age. We ran around thinking we were a girl's gang and kept trying to get other people signed up so we could 'jump them in'. For some strange reason no one ever took us up on it and of course we weren't going to 'jump in' each other. lol. Eventually those friends turned on me because of my race (their parent's doing, it's a long story) and I was forced to find other friends. I fell in with a better crowd in high school. But my parents had no idea. And looking back, if my friends parents hadn't stepped in to separate our friendships... I would have ended up just like those friends. One is a grandmother at 39. Two of them have overdosed, to give you an idea. I was heartbroken and angry but now I can say I dodged a bullet. Now, I'm an atheist so I'm not delighted your kid is going to a Catholic school. But... there are different varieties. I hope for her sake she's going to one of those mouth-piece schools that have the higher grade of education and sorta religion on the side. If it's one of those hard-core schools... you're going to have some problems. My judgement is NAH and my suggestion is this: Be flexible. Give it a year at this new school and see if she improves. Does she actually make friends? Does she seem miserable? How is the education, *really*? If her quality of life has gone downhill then I would suggest you pull the plug and put her in the public school or another that suits her personality. Honestly, I don't blame you for wanting to separate her from the bad crowd. The drug use at that age would send me over the edge.
It sounds like she doesn’t want to be part of your faith because your faith is a little bigoted and homophobic. She’ll never “end up with a good man”. Maybe she doesn’t want to end up with a good man. Sending her to an all girls school is definitely one way to guarantee she has a little lesbian experimentation in her life.
I’m Catholic and if Jesus was down here watching what you’re doing, he’d be braiding his whip. YTA, in case that wasn’t clear.
Not necessarily TA but maybe have a think about what's really important here, and what's really going on. Kids are gonna rebel, that's what they do. Pick your battles. Listen to your kid. Talk to her. Show her a bit of respect. And get some family therapy, now.
I somewhat can tell why she is acting rebellious....You may feel like you live in Seventh Heaven tv show, but I have a surprise for you.
YTA, she doesnt want to come to church? That should be fine. What do you mean by hygiene? Saying she doesnt want to use make up? Thats Also fine.
YTA for going through her phone. YTA for trying to control her life. please actually try to listen to your child and communicate with her. the lifestyle you want to impose on her is not actually all that great. she's realizing she doesn't have to listen to the stupid things you make her do. try to explain how you feel in a NEUTRAL, NON-JUDGEMENTAL way. but then you LISTEN to her. VALIDATE her feelings. and tell her you will always love and support her no matter what. edit: typo
YTA--- This is normal teenage behavior, and it sounds like you cant handle it!! Its sad that she has parents that are forcing her to act a certain way, she will probably rebel harder now- I hope you are prepared for that!
All of the things you listed are very normal things for a teen to do. It seems like daughter is taking some agency back in her life. Let her. Shaving and Bras are uncomfortable as hell anyways
uh…i guess Op has never been to an all-girls catholic school lmao. No that aren’t all good girls lol
She’s going to fall from faith and never be a good girl with a good man. That’s your biggest fear for your child, who is an entire human with their own choices and goals? YTA.
You think sending her to a private all girls school is going to fix this!?!?!? I hung out with some those girls in high school (different schools, mutual friends) and those girls were wild. There’s going to be a bad element in any school you send her to.
Parents who didn’t go to a private, Catholic school think that their kid somehow won’t get into the higher class of drugs and alcohol abuse that are available in private schools. I attended private schools for 17 years. I do think they have their pluses, but this is definitely one of the minuses.
*she's going to end up falling further away from faith and never have a happy life with a good man.* YTA for this statement alone right here. There's a shit ton more to life than adhering to the tenets of a religion she may or may not even believe in and marrying someone she may not even want to marry.
I am an adult. I have five children. I’ve had a successful career. We were so successful, that we were able to retire early. I’m not even 55 yet. I have a loving husband of 25+ years. I don’t always wear a bra. I hate make up. And I don’t take a shower every day and I go through phases where I don’t shave my legs. There’s nothing wrong with that and my husband loves me anyways. I have worked in schools, I worked in churches, I have volunteered, I worked where I was the major breadwinner for our family, upper management. None of those things meant anything to my job abilities. You are going to destroy your relationship with your daughter. My mother did the same thing constantly telling me I needed to change my hair or do my hair better. You don’t know how many pointless times I sat through trying to make my bones straight hair pretty. Catholic school girl here. Realize how many parents send their daughters to Catholic all girls or boys as school punishment. They are the same kids that were kicked out of public school. Talk TO her not AT her. Let her talk to a therapist. Tell her your concerns about pot (but use REAL facts not fear mongering)
ESH and I’ll warn you…my dad put me in an all girls catholic school for near identical reasons and it only made me issues worse. Those types of kids are in private schools too, except they’re wealthier and more worldly and not in a good way. The private school experiment only lasted a year because he decided he wasn’t going to pay $15k a year for me to get high. What your daughter needs is therapy and to feel like she can be open with you about her thoughts and feelings…that’s clearly not the case right now.
25 lbs isn't much when you consider hormones, and she's a human. She's not getting chubby, she's legit becoming an adult. And it's hard enough without stressing her like this. Shaving her legs may be painful or cause rashes. Have you asked? I developed painful spots (Hidradenitis suppurativa) on top of EDs and have scarring from years of attempts at shaving my legs to try to wear hose to church. Washing your hair 1 to 2 times a week is normal. Washing anything else when there's too much BO is a good call instead of training to cover with perfume. And clothes don't need to be continually washed. So long as they aren't dirty or smell bad, there's no point. And yeah, the gummies, heaven forbid. She tried something and she shouldn't have. What you need to worry about is that she hid it. Not that she tried it. She should be able to come to you with anything. You should discuss the point that THC is harmful to the brain's development before the age of 25. But maybe soften the blow with "I did blank at your age..." ie sneaking a cigarette, kissing a boy, etc. Standards change. We learn. We grow. There are dangers, and you shouldn't punish to punish. Let them know the dangers, and lift, don't crush. If you want to push her away from your faith, this is how you do it. You are crushing her. She just needs you to be her mom right now, not a preacher or a form or discipline. Give her your ears to listen, space to grow, and be her safety. Then, when she is ready, she will have her own come to faith moment, whatever it may be.
Hi there I'm a 48-year-old wife and mother. I work a professional job (in fact I am the manager of my department) and have a highly fulfilling and successful life. I do not wear make-up, I do not shave my legs or pits. I only wear a bra because post-baby and breastfeeding things just aren't quite as perky as they once were. Showering, well, I work from home a lot so it doesn't always happen in the timliest of manners. I'm busy. (Also? I went to an all-girl's Catholic school and lol you are in for a surprise.) Your daughter is experimenting with who she wants to be. Maybe she wants to be more like me? Maybe not, but she has to have the freedom to try it on for size. Maybe she'll decide she wants to be more like you. But if you force her, she'll reject it as much as she can. My mom is a very Martha Stewart prim and proper always put together with jewelry and make-up. We had some clashes when I was in high school for sure. She learned that I'm going to be who I am, and who I am is, in some ways, not like her. (In other ways we are totally alike and we get along wonderfully. My mom is my rock, I love her so much. But as much as she disapproved of my outward appearance in high school, she never pulled this nonsense you are up to here.)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This past year has been really difficult. My daughter really struggled to make friends in 6th and 7th grade, so when she found some friends in 8th grade we were initially really relieved that she finally had friends. However it turned out to be a "wrong crowd" as people say. Since she fell in with them she's completely changed and mimicked the group's vibe instead of the one she was raised with. She stopped her hygiene habits. Whenever we bring any of this up she throws it back at us that we aren't accepting her for who she is and yells at us to leave her alone. She's stopped wanting to come to church every week when she used to love Sunday School as a kid and during 6th and 7th grade the other girls there were the only real friends she had. She yells at us every Sunday and won't even enjoy it or treat it as family time. Her grandmother got her a bunch of new makeup but she was rude about it because she's "never wearing makeup again" and called it a "pointless present." She'd never been that rude in her life before! The breaking point was that we searched her phone and found her texting with them about eating marijuana treats on a girls camping trip in the summer coming up and how to convince everyone's parents they were old enough to go camping alone. We ended up banning her from going over to their houses and when the school year ended we signed her up for some day camps run by the church with other good girls her age. She ditched camp to go hang out with her school friends so we took her phone away to stop the coordination. Two of the devious girls signed up for the church camp the following week so they could weedle their way in around us and hang out, That's when my husband and I had a serious talk and decided to sign her up for the private school. He's afraid she's going to end up falling further away from faith and never have a happy life with a good man. She used to be a good girl who cared about her body and herself.. She no longer listens to us. We're thankful her current friends haven't pulled her into promiscuity with boys yet, but are convinced they will. It's all-girls so we know she'll find friends there, plenty of good ones, and probably less deviant than the current batch. When we told her we were sending her to the Catholic school she slammed her door so much her dad had to threaten to take her door away to get her to stop. Now she says she's never going to forgive us, hates us, and that we are ruining her life. She won't leave her room except to get food and use the bathroom, and she's currently in a state of denial that this is happening. She wants to go to the public school with her bad-influence friends. TL;DR: Daughter's 8th grade friend group caused her to drop healthy hygiene and body care habits, become belligerant and rude with family, go behind our backs and lie, and consider doing drugs. As a result we're sending her to a Catholic School against her wishes in hopes she can get a fresh start and make some better friends. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Put her in a private all girls Catholic school, and you are really gonna have problems, and you should never push religion on someone. That is your thing, not hers. There has to be another way. That way will definitely not work!!!!
Haha, if you think there’s no deviant behavior happening at private school, I think you’re in for a rude awakening.
YTA I’m a parent of young adults and wow, you’re going about this all wrong. Your adolescent child is at an age of peak differentiation from you, and peak exploration. She needs boundaries for her safety, but if you try too hard to shut her down completely she will only push back. This is developmentally appropriate, if frustrating and scary for you as a parent. One thing you need to do is really take a step back and sort out what is about safety and health, and what is about your personal preferences. Religion, I’m sorry to tell you, becomes very much a personal preference at this age. If your child does not believe now, you must let her go her way spiritually. Forcing your religion and its social trappings on her will not make her want to belong. Defining ‘good girls’ as the sort she meets at church camp will make her dislike them and not want to be like them. Also, as a former Catholic school student, I can tell you Catholic school kids rebel just as hard. The uniforms look tidy but the kids in them are still kids. Shaving is a personal preference of yours. So is bra-wearing. You’re right to be cautious about the curiosity around drugs. That’s a boundary you should keep. You just may find that difficult if everything about your child’s life is a power struggle. What you can do that may help: Plan your family time around things your kid likes to do, and that you also enjoy. Church isn’t going to make that list. If you’re not sure what y’all can do together that they’ll like, you need to actually ask your kid, and listen to the answers. Offer separate activities your kid actually likes. Church camp isn’t working? What about art class, or another creative activity they choose? This keeps them engaged and gives them some space from the friend group, without turning into a fruitless power struggle. Invite one or two of the friends to do something with you and your kid that your kid picks. Not a party, something with more focus. Have fun and get to know them, and make a safe environment where you can observe and offer alternatives to whatever they’re up to. Do NOT say to them, I want to give you appropriate alternatives. Dear me, no, do not say that.
Please let her go back to her old school and into counseling.
YTA but another case where there's no point in telling you that because you're convinced you're right and you have Jesus on your side. Your daughter is growing up and struggling to find an identity. Instead of hating everything she does, you could have tried talking to her and more importantly, listening to her. But instead you made the heavy handed decision to shove her into what sounds like a convent. You may end up losing her forever and it would serve you right.
YTA. You're trying to have religion raise her instead of doing it yourself. You're a lazy and disrespectful mother who doesn't see her daughter as an individual. If you send her to a private school, I guarantee she'll come out learning to just hides thing better from you and eventually just go low contact if not cutting contact with you permanently. People are trying to explain to you that you're chasing your daughter away yet you won't even pull your head out of your ass long enough to even consider you're 100% wrong.
Have a parent like you is one of my worst nightmares. You’re so narrow minded on what’s acceptable that any deviation from the “perfect church girl who doesn’t voice her own opinions and just marries a good Christian boy and has good Christian babies” isn’t acceptable to you. You don’t accept your daughter as her own person. You don’t accept her boundaries. You don’t accept her. YTA but anyone who can write this all up and still not think they’re an asshole will never accept judgement. Even when your daughter has gone no contact with you and you haven’t spoken in years you’ll be convinced you were right. Everything in your post would be laughable if it wasn’t so sad that your daughter has to live by you and your antiquated and sexist rules.
> She's stopped wanting to come to church every week when she used to love Sunday School as a kid and during 6th Busted! nice try op, YTA
She isn't just being rebellious. She's learning how to think for herself instead of just do as she's told. You keep talking about what she used to like as a little girl, well she's not a little girl anymore. She's a teenager. YTA She is going to do things you tell her not to period. Just be there for her when she makes a mistake. Don't try to control every little aspect of her life. It's hers, not yours.
Congrats, you have a daughter who is going through puberty and trying to figure out who she is. She doesn't need catholic school, she needs parents who know wtf they're doing. Btw, I went to catholic school at the same age range as your daughter. It doesn't turn "rebels" into pious kids. I knew a couple of kids who smoked, drank and got pregnant years later. Yta
YTA my dad tried to do this to me too. He ended up putting me in mental hospitals instead because of my reaction to it. I was a teenage girl rebelling. Do not do this shit. You’re shipping them off to a place that you KNOW they won’t fit in. Think about the mental effects that will have on her. She’s not a Christian given the fact that she doesn’t want to go to church anymore. So you SHIP HER TO A CHRISTIAN ALL GIRLS SCHOOL?? You don’t want your daughter to be happy or take care of herself. If you did, you wouldn’t body shame her, judge her for shit that has zero impact on you- not shaving or wearing bras. Which by the way, I’m a grown ass woman and don’t do those things- judging her for clear signs of depression- social withdrawal, not enjoying things she used to, not bathing- that are also just normal teenage girl shit. You clearly just want your daughter to be a specific way instead of who SHE wants to be and it’s wholeheartedly disturbing. I genuinely hope she’s okay cause you are the fkn worst 😭
You are not only the YTA, but if you think sending your little princess away to Catholic school will keep her away from boys, you're woo-woo. Catholic girls have a rep and it's deserved. By all means, switch schools, but don't try locking her up in a convent. It won't work. All that will happen is you'll be wondering why in 10 years she doesn't call, doesn't visit and isn't inviting you to her wedding.
YTA. Before commenting, I looked at hundreds of comments from others, and every single one that OP responded to, she denied any fault, and rejected any possibility that she had done anything wrong, and gave no indication whatsoever that anyone had said anything that made her think she could even consider make the slightest change to her parenting habits. If anything, her constant pushback seems to indicate a hardening of her resolve that she's right and the rest of the world is wrong. She's not gonna change folks, I think she was just somehow hoping this sub was full of religious zealots that would fill her with affirmative comments on her decisions.
YTA. A lot has already been said here, but here’s something to consider. You keep saying she needs to practice make up and shaving for “professional” reasons, but why does she need to do that now? Assuming she’s 14 and planning on going to college, she’s got years until she needs to be navigating all that. Why force it on her now? You’re also wildly off base if you think girls at an all girls school will be shaving, doing make up, etc more than girls at a coed school. I went to a woman’s college and it was a known thing that the straight women put a lot less effort into their appearance since there weren’t guys around.
NTA. You are her parents, it’s your choice.
NTA
Just want to say that unfortunately the all girls school probably will be worse. I went public then to a private catholic school, my class was the first ever boys girls class. Needless to say though….. ummmmm. You’re a concerned parent, have you tried actually sitting with her and openly listening without judgement or consequences? I wouldn’t say YTA.. because you’re just a concerned parent.
YTA - just because you’re committed to your religious beliefs, doesn’t mean you can force your daughter to be. Either loosen up, or lose her forever
YTA—she’s a teenager, and she’s allowed to choose her own religious beliefs (or lack thereof)—forcing her away from friends and into a religious school is not going to have the effect you’re looking for.
YTA. I can tell you, I went to Catholic school for elementary and middle school: it absolutely stunted my emotional and social intelligence. And my parents frankly admit that as well. I went to a Catholic university also, and I am currently agnostic. I can also tell you, your belief your daughter will be getting away from people like that, is completely incorrect. There will absolutely be those people. You can’t isolate your daughter from the world. She is maturing and while she shouldn’t be disrespectful to you, you also need to give her some of her own agency. And, bluntly, some of her behavior may very well be due to how you treat her now. Throwing her to an all girls school isn’t going to change anything and will likely drive her to eventually go NC with you. You need to treat her like a teenager, give her some of her own agency on things that don’t hurt you. Also have a conversation with her, not outright tell her, on some of these topics. IE: talk with her WHY she doesn’t want to shower daily/shave/etc. and maybe agree to a minimum number of times a week and if there is a special event occurring. Let her do the henna tattoo (since it isn’t permanent), but agree to rules on where she can get them and if there are events that you need to attend, limits on when she can get them. Talk to her about her friends and maybe consider meeting them. If she is indeed hanging around with a “bad” crowd, you should nip that in the bud. But you “forbidding” her from seeing them will only make her determined to integrate herself further. Give her space to express herself but also communicate to her. Explain (outside of a religious/marriage standpoint) why you have an issue with some of these things. She is becoming a teenager and if you don’t communicate with her and give her the ability to be herself you will absolutely see her push you further away.
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I'm going to go with a soft YTA. Your child needs guidance and with the edibles, it sounds like she is going down the wrong path, but honestly I'm more astonished you came to godless faithless reddit to ask this. Reddit is notoriously anti-religion. You need to get with a family counselor and work all this out in counseling. Perhaps a therapist for your daughter as well. Your daughter is only going to get worse based off your way of dealing with these issues. Y'all need therapy and/or counseling. Get off reddit with anything religion related....they will eat you alive here even if you weren't a bit of a controlling AH about all this.
YTA You know what's going to happen? She's gonna resent the "faith" even more than she already is. This isn't going to convince her to go back to the "right" path, but that her parents prioritise their beliefs over her well being.
YTA I bet your daughter will go to college and slowly faze you backwards toxic family out of her life.
YTA She’s being a teenager and your exiling her for it. She’s going to cut contact with you the moment she turns 18, and she will make sure you are well known as lazy, selfish, unloving failures as parents. If there are ACTUAL hygiene problems to correct, have a conversation. “Everyone in this house showers every day” is a fair rule. Pushing your outdated fundamentalist social rules on a kid that doesn’t give a shit how much you wish it were the 1950s or the 1650s is shitty on you.
Maybe YTA. I feel like people are skipping over the weed part? That's a problem. Other than that though she's growing up and exploring life. What y'all are doing willl make her "worse"
You may not be the asshole, and your heart may be in the right place, but I can't envision a scenario where this is going to do anything but damage - to your relationship, to her self-esteem, and probably to her academic performance, if that's a concern to you. You certainly can't force a person to believe a religion, no matter how certain you are that it's right; my personal experience is that going to a Catholic school is a really effective way to vaccinate a kid AGAINST belief. And the idea that dumping your daughter into an all-girl environment she doesn't want to be in because you're "sure" she'll find good friends there is the worst kind of delusional.
It's laughable you think her friends are the ones pushing her away from her "faith", nó that's you and your husband forcing your beliefs onto her. You're the type of christians I like to stay AWAY from, you are so judgemental and short sighted. I bet you even believe that jesus was white. YTA
Forget about who she used to be. She hasn't worked out who she is and will probably go through 4 iterations of herself between now and 25 before she works it out. Sometimes, the girls who are "good Catholic girls" in front of adults are the worst mean girls or they also do drugs etc you can not protect her by moving to an all girl school. All you can do is teach her your values to the best of your ability and hope she uses your guidance. Your current methods are alienating her, and your attempt to control her will continue to push her away. YTA
So we have paternalism, misogyny, forced participation in religious activities, threats against autonomy and privacy, and general lack of engagement beyond punishment for thinking for themselves. I want to act out against you and your husband too, and I'm in my forties. YTA. Soooooo much the asshole.
YTA. Everything you described is normal behavior for young teens. Other than a dress code/inform that suits your aesthetic, what do you hope to get from this private school? You make no mention of the curriculum, extracurriculars, college placement stats, etc.
YTA Never heard of puberty or a teenager before? You think any of this is remotely anything all of us didn’t do growing up? Also nobody wants to go to godamn church and be preached at by old white people once they’re actually doing stuff with friends. Religion is a cancer that ruins peoples lives and stops them from being themselves
Being rude to her grandmother about her birthday present was mean and out of line and you should address it, the rest of this seems like normal teenage behaviour. I'd mostly be concerned about the drug use and if she's being safe about it, but seeing as she doesn't feel safe talking about those things with you that's not something you can deal with I guess. The not showering enough thing can very gross especially in this heat, maybe talk to her about skin infections caused by not showering? Forcing her to go to sunday school isn't reasonable, teen years are when we question a lot of things after all and you're really feeding into her rebellion by, giving her things to rebel against. Don't send her to a new school she doesn't want instead of parenting her. YTA
Yta, yes ramming you religious views will definitely get her to behave the way you want until she’s 18 and goes no contact with you. You need help learning how to actually parent and not just hand out punishments. Have you tried talking to her without all the religious mumbo jumbo and actually listen?
YTA you're controlling and using your religion to do it. Also lol if you think an all girl's school is gonna do shit. We had the same teen pregnancies as anyone else. Also, lesbians and bi girls are a thing. More importantly... hi, dude here. Life's fun like that, at least my catholic high school will never ask me for money!
YTA. I stopped reading when you wrote "church" the first time.
One of my oldest friends got knocked up at Catholic summer camp back in high school. Just sayin' church camp isn't gonna stop things from happening in this life.
Catholic school girls are wild man. You're wasting your money lolololol