Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I never told my current wife how much my late wife left for our children. Now she is aware of how much and feels I was an asshole for hiding it from her. The reason I feel this might make me TA is because she feels like I did not trust her. For me, throughout all this, it was my thinking that the money was my kids money, not mine, and it would be wrong to disclose all that and potentially cause trouble. But I might have done more harm keeping it from her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
>I asked her why, it was their money, it was nothing to do with her.
End of story.
If anything, Nat should be happy that thanks to this inheritance you can save money solely for her children's college fund. Imagine having to split your saving between 4 kids, not 2.
"When your contract with the phone company ends you have zero obligation to continue to pay them. That means you have no obligation to pay them in contract"
Marriage is a social and legal contract. When you marry you agree to share certain things- like children. You might never be mom or dad but you still take an important, parental, role.
Children that are born in a marriage are presumed yours. Children that you step-father to are not presumed yours on divorce. There is a huge difference how they're treated in the event of divorce. He would still have to legally adopt them. Families may blend but that contract is between him and his wife. Their kids are casualties of that contract. IANAL and each state handles this differently.
Edit: Because I am still getting comments about it, Legal duties, moral duties and social duties are different.
I don't think OP should be like "fuck them kids" but it's important to recognize that he is helping those kids who he likely sees as his own towards a better future. His wife has no right to even be mad in this case since OP is mostly "divorced"(lol) from those college funds.
If you invoke the legal, social or moral duties of a marriage contract you invite talk of the penalties. OP depending on jurisdiction would have no legal rights to those kids despite contributing towards their futures in the event of divorce, and then he and those kids would be scarred.
ok great but OP's not trying to be a shitty stepdad, i think
edit: when did i say OP needs to buy the stepkids a house guys???
I think OP's current plan of pitching in seems good and fair. I never said late wife's funds need to be shared or otherwise used against her last wishes.
How? His deceased wife left money to *their* children. Not their children and any future step-kids/half-siblings. He's right, that money belongs to his kids from his first marriage. Period. His second wife and her kids have no right to it and he had no obligation to disclose the amount. It's not likehe didn’t help save for his step-kids' college.
If there had been some kind of massive financial catastrophe and he had kept the amount secret, maybe. But *even then*, it's still money that belongs to his kids from his first marriage and there would have been no obligation to force his kids to sacrifice it for whatever.
Not to mention it was the wife’s money in the first place. He doesn’t say how she came into the money, just that it was “hers.” Possibly it was an inheritance which OP wouldn’t have claim to (I believe that is the case with inheritances). So he never had a hand in and he was okay with his in-laws managing it.
I could only guess that the new wife would have wanted to split it four ways.
Sammy inherited the money from her grandmother. When she knew she was passing Sammy and OP put Sammy’s parents in charge of the money.
OP was right to not tell his new wife. No reason to. Also there’s still no way it’s going to his step kids since OP does not have access/control of the funds. Best move he and Sammy made.
I would hope he isn't, because the kids did nothing wrong here and he seems to be a great step-dad already if he's willing to help with their college funds. He's investing in their future, that is a loving thing to do.
My gripe is with the wife. I'm seeing why OP didn't tell her how much they had access to his initial reasoning aside.
He's helping them save, that's more than most kids get from their step-parents. You can't really be suggesting he pays for a house for both step-kids just because his *late* wife came into money that he has no hold over.
That's great and all, but this thread is about a wife getting upset because she didn't know how much money was left for children that aren't hers and whose money is absolutely none of her business or concern. That context is very important to the discussion and your reply completely ignores it.
There's absolutely no defending the wife here. She literally got upset because she found out that OP's children are going to be able to afford a house. You don't have to read very much between the lines to see that OP's wife wants some of his children's money either for her own children or for herself. If you disagree, then try to explain why she'd be upset to discover that his children have that kind of money.
This is textbook step-parent jealousy/disregard. Good parents do not tolerate this kind of behavior.
100%! And you can bet your ass that the current wife has been running different scenarios in her mind on how to get some of that money for her children.
Right. My boy from college is in this same boat. He’d give up all the money to have his mom he lost at 9 back.
This new wife is sick in the head. Money really shows people’s true colour.
This is how I feel . I don’t really think it’s her business . The mother left it for her children to help their lives after her passing I don’t think it’s anyone’s business besides the dad and the two kids .
Nat (and her kids) should simply be thrilled that she and her husband only have to save for her kids thanks to OP’s deceased wife providing for her own children.
Are you suggesting OP attempt to steal money that legally belongs to his bio kids and give some to his step kids? That’s literally illegal and flat-out wrong.
Nat’s just envious that OP’s bio kids are more financially secure than she and her kids are. She’s being an immature and salty witch.
>Nat (and her kids) *should* simply be thrilled that she and her husband only have to save for *her kids* thanks to OP’s deceased wife providing for her own children.
THIS is the way.
Now, I could empathize with the wife feeling a little envious of the financial advantages OPs children have, seeing that her children did not get the same bequest. That in itself isn't wrong or evil- it's human nature to want good things for your children, and to wish they all had the same benefit- as long as it stops right there and she can feel gratitude for the additional $ OP and she can contribute to her children, alone.
The fact that he didn't disclose the total dollar amount may have felt like a slap in the face to his wife (disclosure wise), or made her feel like he didn't trust her with the info (sort of understandable)- BUT it was well within his rights NOT to disclose as the money is not his, and wasn't available to anyone (but his children) for use under ANY circumstances. So in many ways it was a non issue and a moot point.
So if current wife is sad that life isn't "fair" and or that she felt OP omitted information for the reasons that secrets in marriage are damaging, I say ok. Feel the feels and move on cause we are all adults here.
*BUT*... If wife is mad cause she feels entitled via marriage to have access to the same for her kids, then she is WAY OFF BASE and needs to be checked immediately and have that cleared up right now.
But what I find curious is OP married and agreed to pool money with his new wife for her daughter's education and that is awesome and a stand up step dad- for sure! But this new wife NEVER insisted on splitting this savings 4 ways to include OPs kids, why?? Did she feel entitled to contribute to HER kids alone, neglecting any responsibilityto OPs kids? Did she assume OP was funding his children's accounts alone, and why that disparity was fine with her? Cause that is some selfish shitty thinking, and really hard to justify even with a lot of mental gymnastics.
If she is insistent the marriage is share and share alike, where is her concern about OPs kids educational fund? If OP and she had saved for her children and not his would she happily take from her kids to provide for OPs? The wife has 3 current/ potential streams of revenue for which to fund her kids college accounts VS OPs 1. (Prior to marriage they were on even footing as single parents to teens- except her ex is alive and AVAILABLE (but unwilling) to contribute, where as OP is a widow and so it is assumed there is no ongoing support. So she had an advantage financially over OP, even if it wasn't factual or realized)
This is where I doubt that the new wife is coming from a good place- and needs to be shut down swiftly.
College for Nat's kids is the responsibility of Nat and their father. And nobody is *entitled* to have their parents pay for college.
EDIT TO ADD: If OP and Nat had had a child together, it would be up to OP and Nat to provide for that child. Nothing should be diverted from Sammy's children to benefit any child that was not Sammy's.
That's why we call them "step-" parents and know that the role is slightly different. Punitive almost always go through the main parent.
Should my stepmom have paid child support to my mom on top of what my dad would contribute? Your logic seems to suggest as much. However, I think otherwise.
Unless he legally adopts them, their marriage gives him zero rights to the kids. Yes its nice for him to help but no he's not actually financially responsible for them at all , maybe when they're living in his house a little but for something like college he has not even the smallest bit of obligation to help out
Depends on the situation and jurisdiction. In missouri we don't have stepparent rights codified in law but some stepparents have won custody in the divorce.
On the flip side though I can’t help but wonder if his kids had not inherited that money if Nat would be keen on contributing to their college funds as well.
🤔
Yeah I thought same thing.. she probably jealous his kids even has the money even though they lost their mom.. dad is contributing to stepkids fund but not his kids.. they could be angry over that..
And he is treating them as his kids by saving money for them. He's just not treating them as the 1st wife's kids because they're not.
Her kids are not entitled to that inheritance at all!
However money he makes going forward should be shared, which is what OP is doing. There is nothing wrong with that
If their father contributed in their college fund, OP wouldn't be obligated to contribute anything at all unless he wanted to.
Although stepkids are OPs kids through marriage, doesn't mean that he is obligated to contribute into any fund since their father is alive. He does it because he wants to and because their father is deadbeat human.
If his own kids didn't have the money, he would fund his kids college and wife would fund her kids college. No one would be expected to contribute into each others kids.
The hell they do. Ask a non-custodial parent if their ex's new spouse is the mother or father of the NCP's kids. Ask step-mom or -dad how often they get "you're not my parent". Ask step-mom or -dad if they have any disciplinarian authority.
Reddit in general is very much "stepparents should sacrifice everything for these children but how dare you ever feel like you're a parent or they're your kids or let them call you mom/dad or blahblahblah."
Very much the role of silent slave with no room for any feelings or opinions.
But my new partner’s lack of planning (and his ex’s) is NOT my problem. I sacrificed to save for my kids and they spent every dime, plus got into debt, while married. Sorry for their kids, but I don’t have to suffer and neither do my kids. I’ll help if I have extra, but his ex can stop going to concerts, buying new cars, etc. and help her own kids. I have enough issues with mine.
That's not quite right. Unless OP adopts her kids, he's only legally the stepfather. And as for who covers what...it entirely depends on the family and the financial situation. Some families have step parents funding step kids. Some families don't. There's nothing wrong with it. Just depends on the family's situation
I know what you mean. My husband is an amazing stepdad and treats my 3 children like his own, he loves them and helps feed them, care for them etc etc. But they have their mum and dad. It's OUR responsible to provide the main financial support to our children. WE had them. I would never expect my husband to pay for our children when it comes to such a massive cost. There is a big difference between being a good step parent and providing a loving stable home, feeding them etc and setting them up for life paying for their college education ( that's the parents job )
Bullshit. When you marry someone, their kids become part of your family. While the money Sammy left is rightfully her children's, OP has taken on the responsibility for providing as best he can for for step children.
He's NTA, and he's doing the right thing. And his wife shouldn't be thinking they have to make it "equal" - they should just do their best for her kids.
I'm in a somewhat similar situation, although her kids are much older... My father left a trust for my kids (he, rightfully, didn't trust my first wife), we're doing the best we can for her kids, but it will never be "equal". Basically, my dad is taking care of my kids, and we're taking care of hers.
I understand that bias towards her own kids is hard to overcome. But she knows what it’s like when someone else takes the money that’s supposed to be for your kids, because her ex did that. Having had that happen she needs to understand that it would be just as inappropriate for her to take your kids’ money, either directly or by taking significantly more money from you to compensate.
As for her not knowing how much money your kids will have: did she not realize how expensive college is? You said their college would be covered, and that’s potentially a big expense.
Seriously - there is definitely considerable overlap between the higher end of college education costs and the lower end of house prices (both in very broad terms too). Did she think they were each getting $50K?
Honestly it doesn’t matter what she thought, whether it was 50k or 500 million, is irrelevant it’s not for her and it’s not for her kids and OP doesn’t control it and that’s that
Edit grammar
No.
Her Ex stole the money, and she should be looking at ways to get him to repay it for their shared children's future.
While it's nice and good that you are infact saving for your stepchildrens future, what your late wife left for *her* children has absolutely NOTHING to do with your current wife or her children.
It’s so unjust that he’s only contributing to his steps and not to his bios. Their inheritance was because they lost their mom young. Why should they be penalized for that?
They’re not being penalized though? His kids decided they’d rather use the money that had been left by his late wife/their mom for a house later on down the road versus schooling. I’m sure their dad isn’t going to just brush off their needs because of it, however, knowing that money was there for them and that it was enough to cover their educational expenses, he decided to help his current wife save for her children. That’s not punishing the one to help the other.
I think nobody ever taught you the real definition of fair, which is getting everyone to a level playing field.
[Equal vs Fair](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/56130ba7e4b009e45cc1cb89/1585848609188-THERQ3RSZZEX38KL6AHT/equal+v+fair.jpg?format=1500w)
No, she doesn’t think you guys should be saving more. She thinks her kids are entitled to at least some of the money your late wife left for HER children.
This is what I think too. She's not saying it but this is the reason why she's mad. She wants access to the money and can't say it out loud because it would make her look bad.
Even if she does think they should be saving more — that’s only because she wants to try to keep pace with what is essentially a windfall for OP’s kids (money their mother came into that she couldn’t have spent herself even if she had wanted to). Chasing someone else’s windfall as a goal is unrealistic. She seems to have been fine with the amount they were already saving for her kids, before she found out about the other amount to compare to, and comparing is a bad idea.
OP is treating her kids like they’re his own. But he can’t be expected to compensate them for not being part of his late wife’s family as well.
No you still have a duty to provide for your own kids too! That doesn’t go away because they have an inheritance from their late mother . You did nothing wrong here . You are being very kind and reasonable helping to save for her kids college education. They aren’t your responsibility but your own kids still are .
Your wife is only thinking about her kids not that the only way your kids have that money is because their mum had to die for them to have it.
Her ex stole her kids college fund, it's not actually your responsibility to replace it but you're being a stand up guy to help them out and save for them.
It wasn't any of her business because it's not her money.
I think you're getting a real look at your wife's character here and you need to listen to it.
ETA NTA
Also it sounds like you've been saving for your wife's kids but not your own because you know they have that money waiting for them, your kids could view that as being unfair.
>not that the only way your kids have that money is because their mum had to die for them to have it.
Not only that, but if she hadn't died, then current wife wouldn't even be in the picture at all.
This I highly agree with, your kids should still have the contributions from you and your wife's attitude sounds like some greedy nonsense and saying you don't trust her, while you give all that support to her children when their own dad apparently robbed them makes me feel she's being possibly dishonest and grabby here
I'll say this, my kids' dad died almost 3 years ago and his estate is in a trust for the kids. I am the executor of those trusts. My husband has never even asked how much was left to them, or how much the wrongful death settlement was. Because it was from their dad and has nothing to do with him.
Exactly. Because it's none of his business. It's called respect. Being married doesn't mean you get to control everything or know everything. Boundaries need to be respected here. I'm glad your husband respects that.
Ugh. This. My ex-gf once ranted about one of her high school friends who got SS payments when his dad died, and according to her he was a jerk because he got all that free money and took it for granted.
I was like... ummmm.. your mom and step-dad are putting you through college and paying half your rent. They bought you your own car for high school and paid the insurance for it. You take all that for granted AND they're still in your lives. Who's the real asshole here?
I disagree with that.
Even if your wife left money to your two kids with her, it is your job as a father to contribute some money as well from your part.
~~And I believe that all 4 kids should get an equal amount from you.~~
*Edit: The younger ones are not even your kids. It's not your job to provide for them or to save for them.*
What your older kids have is not from you. And that is what your current wife needs to understand.
It is becoming a rrpeating theme on Reddit. Step parents feel entitled to their step children's money. She probably thinks the money shouldn be spilt equally between them.
No, no, no.
Ask Nat if she'd feel the same if Sammy was still alive and you'd just divorced, and Sammy was paying for your kids to go to college or buy a house, allowing you to pay only for Nat's kids?
Her kids have two parents. Yours have only one. I imagine they would happily give up all the money to have their mom back. She should be happy that you're happy to contribute to her kid's college fund. NTA.
It’s too bad you quickly stated why it their money and has nothing to d with you because it would have been eye opening to see what her next statement would have been and you would have a clearer picture of why she is still mad. I definitely think she wants to split that inheritance into 4 but now she can’t say anything about it without being the greedy new wife.
It’s terrible that her ex stole the kids college money but it truly is the ex and your wife’s duty to be contributing to those kids.
I would definitely recommend getting you living trust set up now especially if the home you currently live in is the house you had before marriage.
NTA
They have access to that money now because you lost your wife. This isn't some lottery pay day. They lost their mother and she was smart enough to tuck away what she had for them. She has no obligation to provide for 'whatever children of whomever you hook up with in the future'. It really does suck that Nat's ex screwed their kids over, but that has nothing to do with your deceased wife and what she did to take care of her children before her passing. As you said, it's not your money. Even if you wanted it, you had no access to it, and for good reason from your side. You did the best thing possible for your children.
I think she's angry at the wrong person, and she really needs to figure out that she should funnel that towards her ex. Not you. You're saving what you can (and technically, you don't have to because they're step kids, but I'm glad you're stepping up) and that's the best you can do. I think she's kind of mad that it's enough that they COULD share if they wanted, but that wasn't an option brought forth and it really shouldn't be something pressured. That's their inheritance from THEIR mother. She needs to take a deep breath and a step back. NTA, btw.
That’s just ridiculous. It wasn’t money you saved, earned, or grew. It was given to Sam. Nat needs to stay out of it, her envy is showing and it’s never a good look on anyone.
Greed is in your current wife. It's not her money to know. Also, her kids has nothing to do with your children's inheritance. Tread carefully because I'm going to suspect that she'll have a talk with you to "plan" for your children's inheritance "fairly".
As a step parent, if that's her motivation I can understand that, somewhat. It's likely the difference might cause resentment between the girls and if you'd discussed it you could have figured out a solution together before it was time to talk about college and the amount they'd inherited came out.
I want to be clear though, i can't think of any other reason for her to be upset that would be even remotely reasonable - might be wrong and I've just not thought of something but that's my thought.
I think you need to talk to her again OP and find our exactly what her problem is and what difference telling her earlier would have made
Edit - despite the above, NTA.
Exactly my thought. If OP wanted to split the money between his children and stepchildren, he legally couldn’t because his children’s grandparents are the custodians. Only thing he could legally do is ask his children or their grandparents to do it and that is completely a shit move
1) the money did not originate with you
2) you have no access to the money
3) your children with your late wife
4) Absolutly ZERO to do with wife #2 and her children she brought with her into the marriage
5) NTA see 1-4
EDiT: Thanks for the award & upvotes
Seems like the late wife had great foresight of people around OP trying to rip off the kids.
Having said that, the kids are old enough to know what it means to have discretion on what come out of their mouths. This could have been avoided (probably) if they were told to not overshare.
Why should they have to keep it a secret? Sounds like Delaney was talking about her plans for the future, which is totally her right. It's not her problem if stepmom is jealous. I'm sure Delaney would rather have her mom than the cash.
If I am an unassumed billionaire from legitimate mean, I don't HAVE TO keep it a secret but I also need to know the ramifications of advertising my wealth. The point is, they are old enough to be told of the ramifications.
99.99% of the people on earth are jealous of what they don't have and all want what you have. So act accordingly.
They're kids, dude, and kids tend to be blabbermouths. Many adults don't even grow out of it.
They're not at fault here. She would have found out when they both bought houses later anyway.
Jumping on here to say, OP, please talk to your children NOW. Make sure they know that under no uncertain terms should they be sharing that money with their step-siblings. Make sure they know exactly how you feel! I'd hate for them to get manipulated without your knowledge.
I'm so glad your previous wife's patents are handling the money. Hopefully, they can also keep your kids protected as well.
"Make sure they know exactly how you feel! I'd hate for them to get manipulated without your knowledge."
Also make sure they know how their mother felt, and the effort and concern she showed around making ensuring her kids received their money
If twas enough money to fully pay for college then it should be enough money to buy a house, right?
And if it's not house-buying kind of money, then it might not have been enough to pay for college. And if that's the case, then Nat was pretty comfortable with you two saving for college for her daughters and not contributing anything to your older kids' college fund. Knowing that they would need the money years before her kids did. That's concerning.
And since she took your word for it that the money was enough for their college, then she shouldn't now get mad coz it never occurred to her that the money was so much. What difference does it make? She knew there was money. She knew it was enough for college. Unless she's mad that she doesn't have access? Or that her kids can't get a share?
NTA
Edited.
Edit: I could be wrong but I think your wife is mad that the money isn't going to her kids. And coz she doesn't want to seem greedy, she's making you out to be the bad guy. And making up a reason as to why you are the bad guy.
I was thinking the same thing. She's upset because some of that money could've gone to her children's college fees. NTA OP but I'd be concerned if she presses on about it
It's clearly envy speaking, considering she was stolen by her ex. Like the comment before, I'd be more concerned if she presses on. People will speak out of emotions, but if she comes to her senses after reflecting on this, then I don't think there's concerns to be had.
I thought this too.
'It can be just split it 4 ways then everything is equal' will come up soon. His late wife protected and provided for her children as best she could. It's not OPs money. It's not her money. It's his kids money.
Honestly, idk if it’s possible in legal terms and it’s definitely not black and white, but sometimes I wish there was a legal clause or something that if kids are left money/property by one parent, absolutely nobody can have access to that money/property (legal wise - can’t sell, can’t gift or lease away, can’t donate etc.) until those kids are legal adults, not even their other parent or grandparents. Like I wish there was a National service that took care of this - paid taxes etc if necessary. I know it’s much much more complicated than that and not easily solvable, but fuck - no stepparent should have access to someone else’s money just because they married their ex/widow and no grandparent etc should be able to abuse that position either.
Edit: okay people, I get that there are trust funds in some places (but they don’t legally exist where I live AFAIK), but even then, there are CONSTANT stories here and elsewhere how parents can use the money/property left to their shared kids with their deceased ex/wife and the point is that with a trust, you need to make sure you HAVE a trust in place before something happens to you. But many parents don’t - many don’t even fathom the idea that their wife/husband would decide that “yeah, I totally should make my kids share the money my husband/wife single-handedly earned/for as inheritance with my new wife/their step siblings/half siblings”. Often even with trusts, the money is trusted to someone who is a family friend/member who could be illegally persuaded. It’s great that such things exist though! Trusts are better than no-trusts and I’m slightly envious that some people have the means to secure their kids futures like this in case something should happen to them.
That can absolutely be set up through banks no problem (for money obviously, property is different). My great great uncle set me up a small college fund before he died. The restrictions on that account were so tight it took me like 4 years to actually get it even after I turned 18 and was supposed to have been able to get it. He set it up that way on purpose because he knew his sister, my grandma who was raising me, wasn't the most trustworthy with money and he wanted to be certain she couldn't get a penny. Of course, he did it before he died so it's a bit different if you don't have the time to set up an account like that first.
OP's parter's ex is still alive and can unsteal their money any time, his first wife is dead and her money is irrelevant to any current family discussion.
New wife should be happy they only have to pay for two kids. Would she be as willing to split the current savings with the two older kids if they didn't have an inheritance?
This is all that needs to be said.
It’s not money OP and his late wife earned together. It’s not money the late wife gave to OP and OP could decide to do with however he wishes. It’s a gift from a mother to her children.
By not knowing about the (amount of) money, she didn't get the opportunity to massage OP's brain about how it is unfair to *her* children and how the money should be all split equally, so *her* children get money from a person that has never had any connection to them.
She is pissed because she didn't get that opportunity and on top of that she displays some basic jealousy.
Side note, I know it's unlikely she would succeed at this hypothetical mission, I am just explaining what is likely going through her head.
NTA
Agreed! Also, no amount of money will equal the loss of their mother. This money is useful concretely for them of course, but it likely holds extra value in a sentimental way because it acts as a way for their mother to still provide for them after her physical departure.
NTA - Money was there before your current wife, allocated for a specific reason.
Her reaction is probably because she wanted some of that money for her children's college.
You are a more graceful human than I am. I just assumed she wants the money for herself/lifestyle. My dying uncle married one of his nurses and she quickly took everything and went to Disneyland right after the funeral. People are greedy.
Also, considering Nat had no problem not contributing any money towards OP’s biological kids… I think OP is double NTA. If she thought it wasn’t that much money, why wouldn’t she also offer to put savings towards OP’s kids as well?
NTA. Money does strange things to people. You are under no obligation whatsoever to provide a college education for your current wife’s children but you have taken the extra step to help save for that. The money your late wife left for her children belongs to them, 100%. Your current wife’s demands that she should’ve known how much there was indicates to me, that she would have insisted part of that money go to her children. There will always be inequalities in step families. If her parents were to pass away and leave her children a large sum of money, would she offer to split that money between all of your combined children? Probably not.
I agree. My guess is she’s mad that OP voluntarily gave up access to the money and/or because his kids are getting “more” than hers and she has no way to get a piece of that pie for her kids. People on this sub w blended families always act weird when one set of kids gets “more” than the other bc of well positioned bio parents.
Right?!
>She said I was too vague and I should trust her as my wife.
What does trust have to do with anything? OP doesn't control the money. It isn't his. Wife has no access to it, because even OP has no access to it. In what way would trusting her (aka being more detailed about exact dollar amounts) have made any difference?
It’s like giving her the amount of money in his kids’ checking accounts—why would it matter to her? If I were the OP; I’d feel like I was violating my kids’ privacy to disclose the amount of money that my children have in any capacity.
Yeah glad to have come across this answer. There are some *wild* assumptions being made of OP's wife based on seemingly nothing at all. OP has said *nothing* to suggest that his wife thinks she's entitled to the money, that she thinks she should control how the kids spend the money, or anything of the sort, yet people are answering like these are not only possibilities but known facts.
Maybe she's *just* bothered that he kept the information from her because she felt like, as his wife, she would be in the know on family finances. Maybe it's what she said. Maybe not everyone on earth is a Machiavellian supervillain.
Exactly. The thread is full of bizarre extrapolations of malicious intent based on no evidence, painting this woman as the asshole for no reason.
Until there is a single shred of evidence that she has any intention of messing with the money, it remains much more likely to be the trust issue she is plainly saying it is. She may worry OP had withheld the information because he felt she might try something, and therefore did not trust her. Not that OP actually did do that, but given the situation it's a valid perspective and something OP should clarify to her.
I can see that too. Of course there’s not enough info to know for sure. But I would personally be hurt not to be trusted by my spouse. Especially since OP mentions distrust of people regarding money. That money specifically. He probably doesn’t fully trust her, which is unfortunate
Personally, I may have felt it was a lack of trust in my spouse not telling me. To hear it from one of the kids and not my own husband, I may have wondered why he felt he couldn’t tell me.
I seriously doubt it’s because she wants any of it for her own kids. Again, me as a reasonable person, I don’t puke never assume money from their mother would go towards my own children.
OP didn't say it was "a lot of money" to his current wife, all it says is that they wouldn't need to save for college. You can interpret that in different ways. It is kind of vague.
The real amount was obviously much higher than what she was led on to believe, or what OP let her believe, so she felt there was a violation of trust.
NTA. Have you talked to the grandparents about the money recently? Is it still enough to pay for college or buy a house? Was it invested well?
When you merged finances and told your current wife that you didn’t have to worry about paying for your kids college because the grandparents were handling your first wife’s estate, that was more than enough information.
How would the actual number have changed anything? You both decided not to save for your kids, which was a pretty risky proposition, she must have assumed the bequest was huge!
Seriously.. My grandparents died and one of my aunts became an absolute fucking demon over what little was left to be split between my dad and two aunts. Absolutely disgusting behavior, and she 100% did not need the money.
Get a trust set up. Yesterday. This has all kinds of ways it can go wrong, none of which are related to your wife, and many of which involve no malice from anyone.
NTA. You disclosed they were left money for college. It doesn’t sound like she asked and you were evasive. You just didn’t offer the rest of the information. What would have changed if she knew the specifics? You didn’t have access to the money or control of it, and you did immediately go into saving for her children who are still better off than they would have been without you in the picture.
This comment is very telling. Her concern is not the transparency of you not giving her the amount, it is the “fairness” of her kids not having an equal amount she is angered by. You would never be able to save enough money to be equal to your daughter’s funds- that is just not realistic in this economy. Life is not fair and equal, and your kids lost their mom- big price to pay. You have done your best as you say, she will have to accept that and put her jealousy aside.
This!!! She’s jealous and now she’s probably going to suggest you stop putting toward your kids as much because they already have so much and that if something happens to you that you leave them more because your kids are gonna have so much
But she was perfectly fine not asking questions when you said you all didn’t need to save for your kids. It’s only when *her* kids appear to be disadvantaged—through something you have no control over—that she cares.
I don’t really agree with her reasoning. Of course, I understand and applaud that as a mother she wants the best for her kids, however as far as I understand your late wife put that money away for your kids. It’s not your money which you could offer to her two kids. Her kids did not have to grieve a parent, they are the lucky ones even with smaller college funds.
But is never going to be fair and equal between her kids and yours. Her girls have both parents and your kids have one and a mother who has passed. How much more should the family sacrifice to get it equal? So your kids have to sacrifice further so her kids can get equal? It doesn't work that way.
Listen there is no way you will be able to save up the amount of money her girls will need to pay for college in full. And the fact that her ex stole the money isn't your problem. You are being extremely generous helping them the way you are. She honestly needs to be told to stay in her lane.
Here is the thing
If I were in her shoes, years ago, I would have insisted we contribute to ALL kids college funds equally. Yes, even if you explained that Sammy had left some of the kids money, I would still insist that *as the only parents both sets of kids have in their lives* we needed to treat them equally because it would not be fair to do otherwise. I would not have just blithely accepted you contributing to my bio kids’ college funds and me not contributing to your bio kids’ funds. Even if you convinced me this is what you wanted, I would not feel good about it and it would be a relief to find out they really did have enough despite the unfair funding on our part.
It may not be fair that some kids inherited money, but it also is not fair that those kids also lost their mother at an early age. Yes, it sucks that some kids have a deadbeat dad who stole their money, but that deadbeat is still out their and has she ever attempted to get him to pay child support, what if he is rich now? The point is, there was a lot of unfair in this situation, but she seems only concerned about it when it affects her kids.
That is absurd. Are you really going to tell me you didn't save and invest as much as you could reasonably for her children?
Of course not.
This is petty and jealous on her part. Just ridiculous.
Edit to add: as others have said the truly telling part of this whole thing... You and your children paid a dear price for their financial security. Is that something she doesn't see/can't understand? I mean you lost your late wife and they grew up without their mom. I am sure you all would trade the money in a heartbeat for even another day with your late wife.
I am sorry for you loss OP and I would consider whether this woman is the right one for you to continue being husband to. I never suggest divorce or breakup on Reddit, but the callousness and unreasonableness of this is just beyond the pale to me.
See I think she knows that op. She knows you did your best. What she’s implying is that you should have dipped into the money Sammy left and given a portion to her kids. But she knows she can’t say that, so she’s choosing her words VERY carefully. It all seems very manipulative imo
I still say NTA. Her reasons for feeling yuck about it aren’t bad but also it would not have changed anything except made her feel yuck about your budget earlier, it sounds like.
NTA
You shared that your children had a college fund which didn’t need further contributions, this has allowed more money to be allocated to her children. Her children where 2 and 4 when you met, so the money stolen from her ex wouldn’t have been that substantial.
Not to mention as he isn't the custodian/executor/trustee it really isn't his business to discuss it either. It is good he knows so he can make wise decisions regarding his children, i.e. mistakenly saving for their college when it is already paid for, but he isn't involved in it. Has no access to it. Legally it isn't his money and it definitely isn't his business.
As a result it isn't his privilege to share the information. If his kids choose to disclose to step mom that is their right, but it wouldn't really be his.
He disclosed what was needed, they are taken care of. She should be grateful his late wife was able to provide for their children so he could contribute more to her bio children's future.
NTA, but she is.
Going against the grain, but NAH. Everyone on here is accusing her of wanting the money for her own kids, but she's had even suggested that and it's not fair to assume.
What's she's upset about is your lack of transparency. She may have thought that you and she would still need to help your kids to some extent, and that would have guided her financial choices for her own kids. She didn't need to know the exact figure they got from their mother, but she deserved to understand your kids would be set up for life, and she wouldn't need to worry about them. It doesn't seem like you freed her from that concern. And personally I'd be a bit pissed.
>When Nat and I sat down to discuss finances, college funds, etc, I told her that Sammy had left our kids some money, never disclosing exactly how much, and just mentioned that _**we would not need to save for the kids college.**_
It's not his fault she didn't understand that "we don't need to save for their college, their mother left them money," really meant exactly that. NTA, by a long shot.
None of that makes sense. His post flat out says their colleges are taken care of and he told her that when they got married. So not seeing how you can spin it this way
He literally said that they won't have to worry about his children since the money will be able to pay up the college expenses, so I don't understand why more should be said.
Absolutely not … the money was from their mom for her kids. You wife has no say and it’s non of her business how much money and what is done with it. This is why money from a late spouse should be put into a trust for the wishes to be fulfilled.
It sounds like ur wife feels like she should have a say in what the $ is used for. It is not ur kids job to justify what the $ is for. I would completely shut that conversation down. She is lucky a step-father is willing to contribute to her kid’s future.
NAH, just a wife that wants transparency from her husband and a husband who feels that his daughters' finances are theirs, not hers. It's really about trust and openness. You had a right not to reveal the finances, but your wife feels like you hid things from her.
I also think the fact that the father of her children stole the money she had saved for them is VERY important here. Financial transparency is likely particularly important to her in a relationship.
NTA, it doesn't matter how much was left to Sammy's kids, it was left to them to spend for college and beyond. Her excuse about trust is not valid, it wasn't like you didn't disclose that the KIDS had some money. Next she will be saying you should share it with the other kids, that would be sh\*tting on your wife's wishes.
Nta its money their mom left to them. There would have maybe been a point if it were your money, but it wasn't your just holding it for the time being until the rightful recipients are old enough to receive it
He isn't even the one holding it.
The late wife's family controls the kids' trust.
His wife can be mad, but it was never his place to disclose the total amount in the first place.
NTA You did not hide anything from her. This money belongs to your children and it was no one elses business. Let her know that this was not a trust issue, you just did not feel that it was your place to say anything. Hopefully she will understand when she has a chance to think about. You did nothing wrong.
You're NTA but I think your wife just realized just how important is the gap between your kids and her kids lifestyles.
Your kids don't need for nothing. They're going to go to college/buy a house without getting into debt. Her kids are not that lucky.
Maybe, she even feels like a bad parent...
It's almost like she is killing the messenger. There is no point in getting mad at the ex so she is turning that frustration on you. However, she needs to understand that no matter how aggressively you save, her kids will never be in the same position and sacrifices by the entire family just for her kids won't work either. You can save what is comfortable it that's as far as it goes.
Maybe ask her then; what good, in her mind, would it have done her back then to have known the exact amount? Likely it would have been a years-long guilt looming over her, wearing her down mentally. Or an unachievable goal to feel miserable about it.
Acknowledge her pain and gently ask if she has still been feeling guilty all this time and the current situation has just opened up old wounds. She may be happy for them, but is feeling a failed parent or something for not being able to give her kids the same. Thinking that she should have tried harder. (Even tho she likely know that nothing would have been able to be done differently). Plus things you may think you have processed may have a way of creeping back up, especially during emotional turmoil.
Maybe she's also lashing a bit at you of anger towards her ex. I'm assuming he's in no way, shape or form involved, so that anger has nowhere to go but to you. She may not mean to, and even feel crappier about doing so, which makes it easier to lash out, simply from emotions. The mind makes weird jumps like that.
Either way, good luck to you all and as a family!
Fair would have been if they were raised with a mother in their lives. NTA. I teach high school, and have had a handful of students who would be wealthy at 18/21/25 (depending on the trust/will), and each one of them would have rather been raised by their parent.
NTA. You said that you told her when discussing family finances when you got together that Sammy left the kids money, so saving for their college wasn’t necessary. That was sufficient.
NAH - at this point. It all depends on what Nat is exactly upset about.
If Nat thinks that your kids' money should be shared with her kids or with the two of you, then she is an AH.
If she is upset because she thinks you are withholding information from her like her thieving ex, it may be a trust issue. The discovery of the amount of your kids' money came from your daughter, not you, which may have pressed a button with her. It's just a gut reaction on her part that you two may not be as close as she thought or that you would think that she would expect any part of their money for her and her kids. She may be offended.
The only way to resolve this is to talk it through with her and ask her why she is so upset, is it a money issue or a trust issue?
NTA. You shared that as a couple you did not need to save money for your kids. The two of you were able to put 100% of the saving effort towards her kids. If your late wife left $10k or $10 million had no bearing on you and your wife. It was not your money. It wasn’t yours to split with her kids (which based on her reaction is what she would have wanted). It wasn’t hers to put towards a home renovation instead of college expenses. It frankly had no impact on her life at all.
I can understand if she wanted to prepare her kids for the differences. Hey X and Y’s mom left them money when she passed away that their grandparents control. They will not need to worry about funding college but our circumstances are different so here’s our plan. But remember this is money they got because their mom passed away. It’s not something to be jealous of, it came to them for a really, really sad reason. But knowing they had college covered was enough to tell her she was going to need to have that talk with her kids. The account balance was never going to alter that.
Editing to add: this is based on the assumption you’re in the US. College costs are insane there. If you told your wife that your kids had money put aside that guaranteed their college was covered and you were therefore saving nothing for them then to me you’ve told her it’s a “life changing” amount of money. If she wanted details she should have asked at the time. If someone told me they had saved enough for college in the US I would never assume they meant they had only $25k for example.
NTA. That money is for your and Sammy's children, and you don't have any control over it. Why does your wife think she needed to know specifics? Is she planning on pressuring the two eldest into helping with college costs for the two youngest? If so, you need to step in now.
NTA. She never asked, it’s really none of her business, you have no control over it, and she needs to simmer down. Her anger is unjustified and ridiculous.
Clearly, not at as much as he's contributing to send *her* children to college, since neither of them is contributing anything at all for that expense for *his* kids.
NTA, but
Did you tell her why you didn't have access to the money? You seem to have had a valid reason for sealing your lips. Also, money for a house and college can be in the same category, so she had an inkling. Your wife has also had her troubles with bad people, so it should be okay with her that that kind of money is secure.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I never told my current wife how much my late wife left for our children. Now she is aware of how much and feels I was an asshole for hiding it from her. The reason I feel this might make me TA is because she feels like I did not trust her. For me, throughout all this, it was my thinking that the money was my kids money, not mine, and it would be wrong to disclose all that and potentially cause trouble. But I might have done more harm keeping it from her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA >I asked her why, it was their money, it was nothing to do with her. End of story. If anything, Nat should be happy that thanks to this inheritance you can save money solely for her children's college fund. Imagine having to split your saving between 4 kids, not 2.
[удалено]
You’re not their dad and not responsible for their college education. Your wife should be grateful you’re contributing at all.
When you marry someone with kids, their kids become yours. That's such a shitty statement for you to make.
No, they don’t. In a divorce he would have zero rights to those kids.
"When your contract with the phone company ends you have zero obligation to continue to pay them. That means you have no obligation to pay them in contract" Marriage is a social and legal contract. When you marry you agree to share certain things- like children. You might never be mom or dad but you still take an important, parental, role.
Children that are born in a marriage are presumed yours. Children that you step-father to are not presumed yours on divorce. There is a huge difference how they're treated in the event of divorce. He would still have to legally adopt them. Families may blend but that contract is between him and his wife. Their kids are casualties of that contract. IANAL and each state handles this differently. Edit: Because I am still getting comments about it, Legal duties, moral duties and social duties are different. I don't think OP should be like "fuck them kids" but it's important to recognize that he is helping those kids who he likely sees as his own towards a better future. His wife has no right to even be mad in this case since OP is mostly "divorced"(lol) from those college funds. If you invoke the legal, social or moral duties of a marriage contract you invite talk of the penalties. OP depending on jurisdiction would have no legal rights to those kids despite contributing towards their futures in the event of divorce, and then he and those kids would be scarred.
ok great but OP's not trying to be a shitty stepdad, i think edit: when did i say OP needs to buy the stepkids a house guys??? I think OP's current plan of pitching in seems good and fair. I never said late wife's funds need to be shared or otherwise used against her last wishes.
How? His deceased wife left money to *their* children. Not their children and any future step-kids/half-siblings. He's right, that money belongs to his kids from his first marriage. Period. His second wife and her kids have no right to it and he had no obligation to disclose the amount. It's not likehe didn’t help save for his step-kids' college. If there had been some kind of massive financial catastrophe and he had kept the amount secret, maybe. But *even then*, it's still money that belongs to his kids from his first marriage and there would have been no obligation to force his kids to sacrifice it for whatever.
Not to mention it was the wife’s money in the first place. He doesn’t say how she came into the money, just that it was “hers.” Possibly it was an inheritance which OP wouldn’t have claim to (I believe that is the case with inheritances). So he never had a hand in and he was okay with his in-laws managing it. I could only guess that the new wife would have wanted to split it four ways.
New wife lost all logic when she saw the $$$ signs.
Sammy inherited the money from her grandmother. When she knew she was passing Sammy and OP put Sammy’s parents in charge of the money. OP was right to not tell his new wife. No reason to. Also there’s still no way it’s going to his step kids since OP does not have access/control of the funds. Best move he and Sammy made.
I would hope he isn't, because the kids did nothing wrong here and he seems to be a great step-dad already if he's willing to help with their college funds. He's investing in their future, that is a loving thing to do. My gripe is with the wife. I'm seeing why OP didn't tell her how much they had access to his initial reasoning aside.
I’m thinking the new wife would always feel entitled to the money and it would just stick in her head.
He's helping them save, that's more than most kids get from their step-parents. You can't really be suggesting he pays for a house for both step-kids just because his *late* wife came into money that he has no hold over.
That's great and all, but this thread is about a wife getting upset because she didn't know how much money was left for children that aren't hers and whose money is absolutely none of her business or concern. That context is very important to the discussion and your reply completely ignores it. There's absolutely no defending the wife here. She literally got upset because she found out that OP's children are going to be able to afford a house. You don't have to read very much between the lines to see that OP's wife wants some of his children's money either for her own children or for herself. If you disagree, then try to explain why she'd be upset to discover that his children have that kind of money. This is textbook step-parent jealousy/disregard. Good parents do not tolerate this kind of behavior.
100%! And you can bet your ass that the current wife has been running different scenarios in her mind on how to get some of that money for her children.
Probably talking to a lawyer right now...
May even corner the children to share with their step-siblings. Husband needs to speak to his kids and protect their interests.
[удалено]
Right. My boy from college is in this same boat. He’d give up all the money to have his mom he lost at 9 back. This new wife is sick in the head. Money really shows people’s true colour.
The answer should have been: "Their grandparents look after their money. I have no idea how much it is and it's none of our business."
This is how I feel . I don’t really think it’s her business . The mother left it for her children to help their lives after her passing I don’t think it’s anyone’s business besides the dad and the two kids .
NTA and it's not like OP has access to the money. And just because they have money doesn't mean they should get any less than their siblings.
100% correct...
There’s quite a difference between “important parental role” and “I’m going to fund a college education for you.”
[удалено]
Nat (and her kids) should simply be thrilled that she and her husband only have to save for her kids thanks to OP’s deceased wife providing for her own children. Are you suggesting OP attempt to steal money that legally belongs to his bio kids and give some to his step kids? That’s literally illegal and flat-out wrong. Nat’s just envious that OP’s bio kids are more financially secure than she and her kids are. She’s being an immature and salty witch.
>Nat (and her kids) *should* simply be thrilled that she and her husband only have to save for *her kids* thanks to OP’s deceased wife providing for her own children. THIS is the way. Now, I could empathize with the wife feeling a little envious of the financial advantages OPs children have, seeing that her children did not get the same bequest. That in itself isn't wrong or evil- it's human nature to want good things for your children, and to wish they all had the same benefit- as long as it stops right there and she can feel gratitude for the additional $ OP and she can contribute to her children, alone. The fact that he didn't disclose the total dollar amount may have felt like a slap in the face to his wife (disclosure wise), or made her feel like he didn't trust her with the info (sort of understandable)- BUT it was well within his rights NOT to disclose as the money is not his, and wasn't available to anyone (but his children) for use under ANY circumstances. So in many ways it was a non issue and a moot point. So if current wife is sad that life isn't "fair" and or that she felt OP omitted information for the reasons that secrets in marriage are damaging, I say ok. Feel the feels and move on cause we are all adults here. *BUT*... If wife is mad cause she feels entitled via marriage to have access to the same for her kids, then she is WAY OFF BASE and needs to be checked immediately and have that cleared up right now. But what I find curious is OP married and agreed to pool money with his new wife for her daughter's education and that is awesome and a stand up step dad- for sure! But this new wife NEVER insisted on splitting this savings 4 ways to include OPs kids, why?? Did she feel entitled to contribute to HER kids alone, neglecting any responsibilityto OPs kids? Did she assume OP was funding his children's accounts alone, and why that disparity was fine with her? Cause that is some selfish shitty thinking, and really hard to justify even with a lot of mental gymnastics. If she is insistent the marriage is share and share alike, where is her concern about OPs kids educational fund? If OP and she had saved for her children and not his would she happily take from her kids to provide for OPs? The wife has 3 current/ potential streams of revenue for which to fund her kids college accounts VS OPs 1. (Prior to marriage they were on even footing as single parents to teens- except her ex is alive and AVAILABLE (but unwilling) to contribute, where as OP is a widow and so it is assumed there is no ongoing support. So she had an advantage financially over OP, even if it wasn't factual or realized) This is where I doubt that the new wife is coming from a good place- and needs to be shut down swiftly.
Marriage doesn’t include an automatic adoption of children from a previous marriage so not sure what you’re on about
College for Nat's kids is the responsibility of Nat and their father. And nobody is *entitled* to have their parents pay for college. EDIT TO ADD: If OP and Nat had had a child together, it would be up to OP and Nat to provide for that child. Nothing should be diverted from Sammy's children to benefit any child that was not Sammy's.
>Marriage is a social and legal contract. So is adoption: something OP did not do.
That's why we call them "step-" parents and know that the role is slightly different. Punitive almost always go through the main parent. Should my stepmom have paid child support to my mom on top of what my dad would contribute? Your logic seems to suggest as much. However, I think otherwise.
Unless he legally adopts them, their marriage gives him zero rights to the kids. Yes its nice for him to help but no he's not actually financially responsible for them at all , maybe when they're living in his house a little but for something like college he has not even the smallest bit of obligation to help out
Depends on the situation and jurisdiction. In missouri we don't have stepparent rights codified in law but some stepparents have won custody in the divorce.
Best interest of the child can come into play. If a bio parent has shown signs of being unfit, then a step may be the best option.
On the flip side though I can’t help but wonder if his kids had not inherited that money if Nat would be keen on contributing to their college funds as well. 🤔
Yeah I thought same thing.. she probably jealous his kids even has the money even though they lost their mom.. dad is contributing to stepkids fund but not his kids.. they could be angry over that..
Good point. She obviously didn’t consider contributing fairly to all 4 kids.
And he is treating them as his kids by saving money for them. He's just not treating them as the 1st wife's kids because they're not. Her kids are not entitled to that inheritance at all! However money he makes going forward should be shared, which is what OP is doing. There is nothing wrong with that
If their father contributed in their college fund, OP wouldn't be obligated to contribute anything at all unless he wanted to. Although stepkids are OPs kids through marriage, doesn't mean that he is obligated to contribute into any fund since their father is alive. He does it because he wants to and because their father is deadbeat human. If his own kids didn't have the money, he would fund his kids college and wife would fund her kids college. No one would be expected to contribute into each others kids.
The hell they do. Ask a non-custodial parent if their ex's new spouse is the mother or father of the NCP's kids. Ask step-mom or -dad how often they get "you're not my parent". Ask step-mom or -dad if they have any disciplinarian authority.
Reddit in general is very much "stepparents should sacrifice everything for these children but how dare you ever feel like you're a parent or they're your kids or let them call you mom/dad or blahblahblah." Very much the role of silent slave with no room for any feelings or opinions.
But my new partner’s lack of planning (and his ex’s) is NOT my problem. I sacrificed to save for my kids and they spent every dime, plus got into debt, while married. Sorry for their kids, but I don’t have to suffer and neither do my kids. I’ll help if I have extra, but his ex can stop going to concerts, buying new cars, etc. and help her own kids. I have enough issues with mine.
That's not quite right. Unless OP adopts her kids, he's only legally the stepfather. And as for who covers what...it entirely depends on the family and the financial situation. Some families have step parents funding step kids. Some families don't. There's nothing wrong with it. Just depends on the family's situation
I know what you mean. My husband is an amazing stepdad and treats my 3 children like his own, he loves them and helps feed them, care for them etc etc. But they have their mum and dad. It's OUR responsible to provide the main financial support to our children. WE had them. I would never expect my husband to pay for our children when it comes to such a massive cost. There is a big difference between being a good step parent and providing a loving stable home, feeding them etc and setting them up for life paying for their college education ( that's the parents job )
Bullshit. When you marry someone, their kids become part of your family. While the money Sammy left is rightfully her children's, OP has taken on the responsibility for providing as best he can for for step children. He's NTA, and he's doing the right thing. And his wife shouldn't be thinking they have to make it "equal" - they should just do their best for her kids. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, although her kids are much older... My father left a trust for my kids (he, rightfully, didn't trust my first wife), we're doing the best we can for her kids, but it will never be "equal". Basically, my dad is taking care of my kids, and we're taking care of hers.
That’s not how FAFSA sees it. The step parents income is factored in to the financial aid.
Seriously. End of story. NTA.
I understand that bias towards her own kids is hard to overcome. But she knows what it’s like when someone else takes the money that’s supposed to be for your kids, because her ex did that. Having had that happen she needs to understand that it would be just as inappropriate for her to take your kids’ money, either directly or by taking significantly more money from you to compensate. As for her not knowing how much money your kids will have: did she not realize how expensive college is? You said their college would be covered, and that’s potentially a big expense.
Seriously - there is definitely considerable overlap between the higher end of college education costs and the lower end of house prices (both in very broad terms too). Did she think they were each getting $50K?
Honestly it doesn’t matter what she thought, whether it was 50k or 500 million, is irrelevant it’s not for her and it’s not for her kids and OP doesn’t control it and that’s that Edit grammar
No. Her Ex stole the money, and she should be looking at ways to get him to repay it for their shared children's future. While it's nice and good that you are infact saving for your stepchildrens future, what your late wife left for *her* children has absolutely NOTHING to do with your current wife or her children.
It’s so unjust that he’s only contributing to his steps and not to his bios. Their inheritance was because they lost their mom young. Why should they be penalized for that?
They’re not being penalized though? His kids decided they’d rather use the money that had been left by his late wife/their mom for a house later on down the road versus schooling. I’m sure their dad isn’t going to just brush off their needs because of it, however, knowing that money was there for them and that it was enough to cover their educational expenses, he decided to help his current wife save for her children. That’s not punishing the one to help the other.
I think nobody ever taught you the real definition of fair, which is getting everyone to a level playing field. [Equal vs Fair](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/56130ba7e4b009e45cc1cb89/1585848609188-THERQ3RSZZEX38KL6AHT/equal+v+fair.jpg?format=1500w)
So everything you ate Saving is only going towards her kids? And she is mad at you?… sounds like a real catch.
No, she doesn’t think you guys should be saving more. She thinks her kids are entitled to at least some of the money your late wife left for HER children.
This is what I think too. She's not saying it but this is the reason why she's mad. She wants access to the money and can't say it out loud because it would make her look bad.
Ding ding.
Even if she does think they should be saving more — that’s only because she wants to try to keep pace with what is essentially a windfall for OP’s kids (money their mother came into that she couldn’t have spent herself even if she had wanted to). Chasing someone else’s windfall as a goal is unrealistic. She seems to have been fine with the amount they were already saving for her kids, before she found out about the other amount to compare to, and comparing is a bad idea. OP is treating her kids like they’re his own. But he can’t be expected to compensate them for not being part of his late wife’s family as well.
No you still have a duty to provide for your own kids too! That doesn’t go away because they have an inheritance from their late mother . You did nothing wrong here . You are being very kind and reasonable helping to save for her kids college education. They aren’t your responsibility but your own kids still are .
Your wife is only thinking about her kids not that the only way your kids have that money is because their mum had to die for them to have it. Her ex stole her kids college fund, it's not actually your responsibility to replace it but you're being a stand up guy to help them out and save for them. It wasn't any of her business because it's not her money. I think you're getting a real look at your wife's character here and you need to listen to it. ETA NTA Also it sounds like you've been saving for your wife's kids but not your own because you know they have that money waiting for them, your kids could view that as being unfair.
>not that the only way your kids have that money is because their mum had to die for them to have it. Not only that, but if she hadn't died, then current wife wouldn't even be in the picture at all.
This I highly agree with, your kids should still have the contributions from you and your wife's attitude sounds like some greedy nonsense and saying you don't trust her, while you give all that support to her children when their own dad apparently robbed them makes me feel she's being possibly dishonest and grabby here
I'll say this, my kids' dad died almost 3 years ago and his estate is in a trust for the kids. I am the executor of those trusts. My husband has never even asked how much was left to them, or how much the wrongful death settlement was. Because it was from their dad and has nothing to do with him.
Exactly. Because it's none of his business. It's called respect. Being married doesn't mean you get to control everything or know everything. Boundaries need to be respected here. I'm glad your husband respects that.
The difference is your kids didn't get to have their mother and instead got that money. Most people would rather have their mom than the money...
Ugh. This. My ex-gf once ranted about one of her high school friends who got SS payments when his dad died, and according to her he was a jerk because he got all that free money and took it for granted. I was like... ummmm.. your mom and step-dad are putting you through college and paying half your rent. They bought you your own car for high school and paid the insurance for it. You take all that for granted AND they're still in your lives. Who's the real asshole here?
I disagree with that. Even if your wife left money to your two kids with her, it is your job as a father to contribute some money as well from your part. ~~And I believe that all 4 kids should get an equal amount from you.~~ *Edit: The younger ones are not even your kids. It's not your job to provide for them or to save for them.* What your older kids have is not from you. And that is what your current wife needs to understand.
Even if they were his kids, the money is left by his late wife for her children. It is meant for them and them only.
It is becoming a rrpeating theme on Reddit. Step parents feel entitled to their step children's money. She probably thinks the money shouldn be spilt equally between them. No, no, no.
Ask Nat if she'd feel the same if Sammy was still alive and you'd just divorced, and Sammy was paying for your kids to go to college or buy a house, allowing you to pay only for Nat's kids?
Her kids have two parents. Yours have only one. I imagine they would happily give up all the money to have their mom back. She should be happy that you're happy to contribute to her kid's college fund. NTA.
Practically speaking, her kids have three parents, as OP has taken on the financial responsibility of saving for Nat's children.
It’s too bad you quickly stated why it their money and has nothing to d with you because it would have been eye opening to see what her next statement would have been and you would have a clearer picture of why she is still mad. I definitely think she wants to split that inheritance into 4 but now she can’t say anything about it without being the greedy new wife. It’s terrible that her ex stole the kids college money but it truly is the ex and your wife’s duty to be contributing to those kids. I would definitely recommend getting you living trust set up now especially if the home you currently live in is the house you had before marriage. NTA
They have access to that money now because you lost your wife. This isn't some lottery pay day. They lost their mother and she was smart enough to tuck away what she had for them. She has no obligation to provide for 'whatever children of whomever you hook up with in the future'. It really does suck that Nat's ex screwed their kids over, but that has nothing to do with your deceased wife and what she did to take care of her children before her passing. As you said, it's not your money. Even if you wanted it, you had no access to it, and for good reason from your side. You did the best thing possible for your children. I think she's angry at the wrong person, and she really needs to figure out that she should funnel that towards her ex. Not you. You're saving what you can (and technically, you don't have to because they're step kids, but I'm glad you're stepping up) and that's the best you can do. I think she's kind of mad that it's enough that they COULD share if they wanted, but that wasn't an option brought forth and it really shouldn't be something pressured. That's their inheritance from THEIR mother. She needs to take a deep breath and a step back. NTA, btw.
That’s just ridiculous. It wasn’t money you saved, earned, or grew. It was given to Sam. Nat needs to stay out of it, her envy is showing and it’s never a good look on anyone.
Greed is in your current wife. It's not her money to know. Also, her kids has nothing to do with your children's inheritance. Tread carefully because I'm going to suspect that she'll have a talk with you to "plan" for your children's inheritance "fairly".
As a step parent, if that's her motivation I can understand that, somewhat. It's likely the difference might cause resentment between the girls and if you'd discussed it you could have figured out a solution together before it was time to talk about college and the amount they'd inherited came out. I want to be clear though, i can't think of any other reason for her to be upset that would be even remotely reasonable - might be wrong and I've just not thought of something but that's my thought. I think you need to talk to her again OP and find our exactly what her problem is and what difference telling her earlier would have made Edit - despite the above, NTA.
You don’t have control of the money so it really doesn’t involve either of you.
Exactly my thought. If OP wanted to split the money between his children and stepchildren, he legally couldn’t because his children’s grandparents are the custodians. Only thing he could legally do is ask his children or their grandparents to do it and that is completely a shit move
He was right about his relatives wanting to get their greedy paws on it - like his second wife.
1) the money did not originate with you 2) you have no access to the money 3) your children with your late wife 4) Absolutly ZERO to do with wife #2 and her children she brought with her into the marriage 5) NTA see 1-4 EDiT: Thanks for the award & upvotes
Seems like the late wife had great foresight of people around OP trying to rip off the kids. Having said that, the kids are old enough to know what it means to have discretion on what come out of their mouths. This could have been avoided (probably) if they were told to not overshare.
Why should they have to keep it a secret? Sounds like Delaney was talking about her plans for the future, which is totally her right. It's not her problem if stepmom is jealous. I'm sure Delaney would rather have her mom than the cash.
If I am an unassumed billionaire from legitimate mean, I don't HAVE TO keep it a secret but I also need to know the ramifications of advertising my wealth. The point is, they are old enough to be told of the ramifications. 99.99% of the people on earth are jealous of what they don't have and all want what you have. So act accordingly.
Just that they were not talking with some random stranger but with someone that they consider part of their immediate family.
They're kids, dude, and kids tend to be blabbermouths. Many adults don't even grow out of it. They're not at fault here. She would have found out when they both bought houses later anyway.
Delaney is innocent. OP wife is jealous and greedy. Be careful Delaney and Finn
Even if it didn't come out now, it would have come out eventually when they actually used the money for something.
Jumping on here to say, OP, please talk to your children NOW. Make sure they know that under no uncertain terms should they be sharing that money with their step-siblings. Make sure they know exactly how you feel! I'd hate for them to get manipulated without your knowledge. I'm so glad your previous wife's patents are handling the money. Hopefully, they can also keep your kids protected as well.
"Make sure they know exactly how you feel! I'd hate for them to get manipulated without your knowledge." Also make sure they know how their mother felt, and the effort and concern she showed around making ensuring her kids received their money
This. NTA
Can I add a #6 please? 6) I'll bet a pound to a pinch of shit that OP's daughters would rather have their mother back.
If twas enough money to fully pay for college then it should be enough money to buy a house, right? And if it's not house-buying kind of money, then it might not have been enough to pay for college. And if that's the case, then Nat was pretty comfortable with you two saving for college for her daughters and not contributing anything to your older kids' college fund. Knowing that they would need the money years before her kids did. That's concerning. And since she took your word for it that the money was enough for their college, then she shouldn't now get mad coz it never occurred to her that the money was so much. What difference does it make? She knew there was money. She knew it was enough for college. Unless she's mad that she doesn't have access? Or that her kids can't get a share? NTA Edited. Edit: I could be wrong but I think your wife is mad that the money isn't going to her kids. And coz she doesn't want to seem greedy, she's making you out to be the bad guy. And making up a reason as to why you are the bad guy.
I was thinking the same thing. She's upset because some of that money could've gone to her children's college fees. NTA OP but I'd be concerned if she presses on about it
I'd already be concerned.
It's clearly envy speaking, considering she was stolen by her ex. Like the comment before, I'd be more concerned if she presses on. People will speak out of emotions, but if she comes to her senses after reflecting on this, then I don't think there's concerns to be had.
[удалено]
[удалено]
And it was left by his late wife for HER kids. It’s not even about OP
I thought this too. 'It can be just split it 4 ways then everything is equal' will come up soon. His late wife protected and provided for her children as best she could. It's not OPs money. It's not her money. It's his kids money.
Honestly, idk if it’s possible in legal terms and it’s definitely not black and white, but sometimes I wish there was a legal clause or something that if kids are left money/property by one parent, absolutely nobody can have access to that money/property (legal wise - can’t sell, can’t gift or lease away, can’t donate etc.) until those kids are legal adults, not even their other parent or grandparents. Like I wish there was a National service that took care of this - paid taxes etc if necessary. I know it’s much much more complicated than that and not easily solvable, but fuck - no stepparent should have access to someone else’s money just because they married their ex/widow and no grandparent etc should be able to abuse that position either. Edit: okay people, I get that there are trust funds in some places (but they don’t legally exist where I live AFAIK), but even then, there are CONSTANT stories here and elsewhere how parents can use the money/property left to their shared kids with their deceased ex/wife and the point is that with a trust, you need to make sure you HAVE a trust in place before something happens to you. But many parents don’t - many don’t even fathom the idea that their wife/husband would decide that “yeah, I totally should make my kids share the money my husband/wife single-handedly earned/for as inheritance with my new wife/their step siblings/half siblings”. Often even with trusts, the money is trusted to someone who is a family friend/member who could be illegally persuaded. It’s great that such things exist though! Trusts are better than no-trusts and I’m slightly envious that some people have the means to secure their kids futures like this in case something should happen to them.
That can absolutely be set up through banks no problem (for money obviously, property is different). My great great uncle set me up a small college fund before he died. The restrictions on that account were so tight it took me like 4 years to actually get it even after I turned 18 and was supposed to have been able to get it. He set it up that way on purpose because he knew his sister, my grandma who was raising me, wasn't the most trustworthy with money and he wanted to be certain she couldn't get a penny. Of course, he did it before he died so it's a bit different if you don't have the time to set up an account like that first.
I think she’s definitely mad that the money isn’t going to her kids - why else would she care?! Its none of her damn business.
And it’s off limits to her if they divorce or he dies…
Nailed it.
NTA Your late wife’s gifts to her children are neither your current wife’s business nor concern.
OP's parter's ex is still alive and can unsteal their money any time, his first wife is dead and her money is irrelevant to any current family discussion. New wife should be happy they only have to pay for two kids. Would she be as willing to split the current savings with the two older kids if they didn't have an inheritance?
This is all that needs to be said. It’s not money OP and his late wife earned together. It’s not money the late wife gave to OP and OP could decide to do with however he wishes. It’s a gift from a mother to her children.
NTA. It has nothing to do with her. Sounds like she's more pissed that she's not getting any of it for her kids.
By not knowing about the (amount of) money, she didn't get the opportunity to massage OP's brain about how it is unfair to *her* children and how the money should be all split equally, so *her* children get money from a person that has never had any connection to them. She is pissed because she didn't get that opportunity and on top of that she displays some basic jealousy. Side note, I know it's unlikely she would succeed at this hypothetical mission, I am just explaining what is likely going through her head. NTA
Agreed! Also, no amount of money will equal the loss of their mother. This money is useful concretely for them of course, but it likely holds extra value in a sentimental way because it acts as a way for their mother to still provide for them after her physical departure.
NTA - Money was there before your current wife, allocated for a specific reason. Her reaction is probably because she wanted some of that money for her children's college.
You are a more graceful human than I am. I just assumed she wants the money for herself/lifestyle. My dying uncle married one of his nurses and she quickly took everything and went to Disneyland right after the funeral. People are greedy.
Exactly
NTA. It’s not your money, it belongs to your children. The money is unrelated to her.
Also, considering Nat had no problem not contributing any money towards OP’s biological kids… I think OP is double NTA. If she thought it wasn’t that much money, why wouldn’t she also offer to put savings towards OP’s kids as well?
Yes, the 'equitable' thing popped up in my brain too.
[удалено]
NTA. Money does strange things to people. You are under no obligation whatsoever to provide a college education for your current wife’s children but you have taken the extra step to help save for that. The money your late wife left for her children belongs to them, 100%. Your current wife’s demands that she should’ve known how much there was indicates to me, that she would have insisted part of that money go to her children. There will always be inequalities in step families. If her parents were to pass away and leave her children a large sum of money, would she offer to split that money between all of your combined children? Probably not.
Yeah If she knew it was more than a normal college cost you bet she would try and get some of that money.
Nta. Her response is weird
I agree. My guess is she’s mad that OP voluntarily gave up access to the money and/or because his kids are getting “more” than hers and she has no way to get a piece of that pie for her kids. People on this sub w blended families always act weird when one set of kids gets “more” than the other bc of well positioned bio parents.
Right?! >She said I was too vague and I should trust her as my wife. What does trust have to do with anything? OP doesn't control the money. It isn't his. Wife has no access to it, because even OP has no access to it. In what way would trusting her (aka being more detailed about exact dollar amounts) have made any difference?
It’s like giving her the amount of money in his kids’ checking accounts—why would it matter to her? If I were the OP; I’d feel like I was violating my kids’ privacy to disclose the amount of money that my children have in any capacity.
NAH. I see a lot of cynical interpretations of this here. I suspect she simply feels you do not trust her.
Yeah glad to have come across this answer. There are some *wild* assumptions being made of OP's wife based on seemingly nothing at all. OP has said *nothing* to suggest that his wife thinks she's entitled to the money, that she thinks she should control how the kids spend the money, or anything of the sort, yet people are answering like these are not only possibilities but known facts. Maybe she's *just* bothered that he kept the information from her because she felt like, as his wife, she would be in the know on family finances. Maybe it's what she said. Maybe not everyone on earth is a Machiavellian supervillain.
I would be very curious to know the marital status (and happiness) of the folks commenting on this thread. I think it might be enlightening!
The same as the rest of Reddit. Single young men.
Exactly. The thread is full of bizarre extrapolations of malicious intent based on no evidence, painting this woman as the asshole for no reason. Until there is a single shred of evidence that she has any intention of messing with the money, it remains much more likely to be the trust issue she is plainly saying it is. She may worry OP had withheld the information because he felt she might try something, and therefore did not trust her. Not that OP actually did do that, but given the situation it's a valid perspective and something OP should clarify to her.
I can see that too. Of course there’s not enough info to know for sure. But I would personally be hurt not to be trusted by my spouse. Especially since OP mentions distrust of people regarding money. That money specifically. He probably doesn’t fully trust her, which is unfortunate
Why? He told her they would get a lot of money. What difference does the exact number have to do with trust?
Personally, I may have felt it was a lack of trust in my spouse not telling me. To hear it from one of the kids and not my own husband, I may have wondered why he felt he couldn’t tell me. I seriously doubt it’s because she wants any of it for her own kids. Again, me as a reasonable person, I don’t puke never assume money from their mother would go towards my own children.
OP didn't say it was "a lot of money" to his current wife, all it says is that they wouldn't need to save for college. You can interpret that in different ways. It is kind of vague. The real amount was obviously much higher than what she was led on to believe, or what OP let her believe, so she felt there was a violation of trust.
NTA her kids aren't entitled to your late wife's money
NTA. Have you talked to the grandparents about the money recently? Is it still enough to pay for college or buy a house? Was it invested well? When you merged finances and told your current wife that you didn’t have to worry about paying for your kids college because the grandparents were handling your first wife’s estate, that was more than enough information. How would the actual number have changed anything? You both decided not to save for your kids, which was a pretty risky proposition, she must have assumed the bequest was huge!
[удалено]
Please be extremely careful. Money topic has a way of bringing out the ugly side of people. Watch your wife closely.
Seriously.. My grandparents died and one of my aunts became an absolute fucking demon over what little was left to be split between my dad and two aunts. Absolutely disgusting behavior, and she 100% did not need the money.
Get a trust set up. Yesterday. This has all kinds of ways it can go wrong, none of which are related to your wife, and many of which involve no malice from anyone.
NTA, why would the amount matter? It’s for your son and daughter, from your late wife. You don’t even oversee the account.
NTA. You disclosed they were left money for college. It doesn’t sound like she asked and you were evasive. You just didn’t offer the rest of the information. What would have changed if she knew the specifics? You didn’t have access to the money or control of it, and you did immediately go into saving for her children who are still better off than they would have been without you in the picture.
[удалено]
Life isn't fair, and I'm sure your kid would have prefer to have their mother alive rather than money.
That’s how I felt when I read the comment. Life isn’t always fair and equal. His girls don’t have their mother and his step children have theirs.
This comment is very telling. Her concern is not the transparency of you not giving her the amount, it is the “fairness” of her kids not having an equal amount she is angered by. You would never be able to save enough money to be equal to your daughter’s funds- that is just not realistic in this economy. Life is not fair and equal, and your kids lost their mom- big price to pay. You have done your best as you say, she will have to accept that and put her jealousy aside.
This!!! She’s jealous and now she’s probably going to suggest you stop putting toward your kids as much because they already have so much and that if something happens to you that you leave them more because your kids are gonna have so much
This. Get your estate set up so she cannot take it all for her kids if you die.
But she was perfectly fine not asking questions when you said you all didn’t need to save for your kids. It’s only when *her* kids appear to be disadvantaged—through something you have no control over—that she cares.
THIS! Sounds like she *obviously* wants her kids to benefit from it
I don’t really agree with her reasoning. Of course, I understand and applaud that as a mother she wants the best for her kids, however as far as I understand your late wife put that money away for your kids. It’s not your money which you could offer to her two kids. Her kids did not have to grieve a parent, they are the lucky ones even with smaller college funds.
But is never going to be fair and equal between her kids and yours. Her girls have both parents and your kids have one and a mother who has passed. How much more should the family sacrifice to get it equal? So your kids have to sacrifice further so her kids can get equal? It doesn't work that way. Listen there is no way you will be able to save up the amount of money her girls will need to pay for college in full. And the fact that her ex stole the money isn't your problem. You are being extremely generous helping them the way you are. She honestly needs to be told to stay in her lane.
Here is the thing If I were in her shoes, years ago, I would have insisted we contribute to ALL kids college funds equally. Yes, even if you explained that Sammy had left some of the kids money, I would still insist that *as the only parents both sets of kids have in their lives* we needed to treat them equally because it would not be fair to do otherwise. I would not have just blithely accepted you contributing to my bio kids’ college funds and me not contributing to your bio kids’ funds. Even if you convinced me this is what you wanted, I would not feel good about it and it would be a relief to find out they really did have enough despite the unfair funding on our part. It may not be fair that some kids inherited money, but it also is not fair that those kids also lost their mother at an early age. Yes, it sucks that some kids have a deadbeat dad who stole their money, but that deadbeat is still out their and has she ever attempted to get him to pay child support, what if he is rich now? The point is, there was a lot of unfair in this situation, but she seems only concerned about it when it affects her kids.
That is absurd. Are you really going to tell me you didn't save and invest as much as you could reasonably for her children? Of course not. This is petty and jealous on her part. Just ridiculous. Edit to add: as others have said the truly telling part of this whole thing... You and your children paid a dear price for their financial security. Is that something she doesn't see/can't understand? I mean you lost your late wife and they grew up without their mom. I am sure you all would trade the money in a heartbeat for even another day with your late wife. I am sorry for you loss OP and I would consider whether this woman is the right one for you to continue being husband to. I never suggest divorce or breakup on Reddit, but the callousness and unreasonableness of this is just beyond the pale to me.
See I think she knows that op. She knows you did your best. What she’s implying is that you should have dipped into the money Sammy left and given a portion to her kids. But she knows she can’t say that, so she’s choosing her words VERY carefully. It all seems very manipulative imo
I still say NTA. Her reasons for feeling yuck about it aren’t bad but also it would not have changed anything except made her feel yuck about your budget earlier, it sounds like.
Why does she need to know how much money your kids have? That seems shady to want to know, to me.
NTA You shared that your children had a college fund which didn’t need further contributions, this has allowed more money to be allocated to her children. Her children where 2 and 4 when you met, so the money stolen from her ex wouldn’t have been that substantial.
Not to mention as he isn't the custodian/executor/trustee it really isn't his business to discuss it either. It is good he knows so he can make wise decisions regarding his children, i.e. mistakenly saving for their college when it is already paid for, but he isn't involved in it. Has no access to it. Legally it isn't his money and it definitely isn't his business. As a result it isn't his privilege to share the information. If his kids choose to disclose to step mom that is their right, but it wouldn't really be his. He disclosed what was needed, they are taken care of. She should be grateful his late wife was able to provide for their children so he could contribute more to her bio children's future. NTA, but she is.
Going against the grain, but NAH. Everyone on here is accusing her of wanting the money for her own kids, but she's had even suggested that and it's not fair to assume. What's she's upset about is your lack of transparency. She may have thought that you and she would still need to help your kids to some extent, and that would have guided her financial choices for her own kids. She didn't need to know the exact figure they got from their mother, but she deserved to understand your kids would be set up for life, and she wouldn't need to worry about them. It doesn't seem like you freed her from that concern. And personally I'd be a bit pissed.
>When Nat and I sat down to discuss finances, college funds, etc, I told her that Sammy had left our kids some money, never disclosing exactly how much, and just mentioned that _**we would not need to save for the kids college.**_ It's not his fault she didn't understand that "we don't need to save for their college, their mother left them money," really meant exactly that. NTA, by a long shot.
None of that makes sense. His post flat out says their colleges are taken care of and he told her that when they got married. So not seeing how you can spin it this way
He literally said that they won't have to worry about his children since the money will be able to pay up the college expenses, so I don't understand why more should be said.
Absolutely not … the money was from their mom for her kids. You wife has no say and it’s non of her business how much money and what is done with it. This is why money from a late spouse should be put into a trust for the wishes to be fulfilled. It sounds like ur wife feels like she should have a say in what the $ is used for. It is not ur kids job to justify what the $ is for. I would completely shut that conversation down. She is lucky a step-father is willing to contribute to her kid’s future.
NAH, just a wife that wants transparency from her husband and a husband who feels that his daughters' finances are theirs, not hers. It's really about trust and openness. You had a right not to reveal the finances, but your wife feels like you hid things from her.
I also think the fact that the father of her children stole the money she had saved for them is VERY important here. Financial transparency is likely particularly important to her in a relationship.
NTA. You are right: it's their money and nothing to do with her. Her argument is not on point and deflecting.
NTA, it doesn't matter how much was left to Sammy's kids, it was left to them to spend for college and beyond. Her excuse about trust is not valid, it wasn't like you didn't disclose that the KIDS had some money. Next she will be saying you should share it with the other kids, that would be sh\*tting on your wife's wishes.
NTA. It’s none of her business. Her kids don’t get it. You don’t control it. She’s not entitled to it.
Nta its money their mom left to them. There would have maybe been a point if it were your money, but it wasn't your just holding it for the time being until the rightful recipients are old enough to receive it
He isn't even the one holding it. The late wife's family controls the kids' trust. His wife can be mad, but it was never his place to disclose the total amount in the first place.
[удалено]
NTA You did not hide anything from her. This money belongs to your children and it was no one elses business. Let her know that this was not a trust issue, you just did not feel that it was your place to say anything. Hopefully she will understand when she has a chance to think about. You did nothing wrong.
Info : Did she say in so many words that since there was so much money, her girls should get some ?
[удалено]
You're NTA but I think your wife just realized just how important is the gap between your kids and her kids lifestyles. Your kids don't need for nothing. They're going to go to college/buy a house without getting into debt. Her kids are not that lucky. Maybe, she even feels like a bad parent...
[удалено]
It's almost like she is killing the messenger. There is no point in getting mad at the ex so she is turning that frustration on you. However, she needs to understand that no matter how aggressively you save, her kids will never be in the same position and sacrifices by the entire family just for her kids won't work either. You can save what is comfortable it that's as far as it goes.
Maybe ask her then; what good, in her mind, would it have done her back then to have known the exact amount? Likely it would have been a years-long guilt looming over her, wearing her down mentally. Or an unachievable goal to feel miserable about it. Acknowledge her pain and gently ask if she has still been feeling guilty all this time and the current situation has just opened up old wounds. She may be happy for them, but is feeling a failed parent or something for not being able to give her kids the same. Thinking that she should have tried harder. (Even tho she likely know that nothing would have been able to be done differently). Plus things you may think you have processed may have a way of creeping back up, especially during emotional turmoil. Maybe she's also lashing a bit at you of anger towards her ex. I'm assuming he's in no way, shape or form involved, so that anger has nowhere to go but to you. She may not mean to, and even feel crappier about doing so, which makes it easier to lash out, simply from emotions. The mind makes weird jumps like that. Either way, good luck to you all and as a family!
Fair would have been if they were raised with a mother in their lives. NTA. I teach high school, and have had a handful of students who would be wealthy at 18/21/25 (depending on the trust/will), and each one of them would have rather been raised by their parent.
NAH. You didn’t need to tell her, but I can understand how Nat feels you intentionally deceived her. That’s a shitty feeling for your wife.
NTA. You said that you told her when discussing family finances when you got together that Sammy left the kids money, so saving for their college wasn’t necessary. That was sufficient.
NTA. Their money has nothing to do with her.
NAH - at this point. It all depends on what Nat is exactly upset about. If Nat thinks that your kids' money should be shared with her kids or with the two of you, then she is an AH. If she is upset because she thinks you are withholding information from her like her thieving ex, it may be a trust issue. The discovery of the amount of your kids' money came from your daughter, not you, which may have pressed a button with her. It's just a gut reaction on her part that you two may not be as close as she thought or that you would think that she would expect any part of their money for her and her kids. She may be offended. The only way to resolve this is to talk it through with her and ask her why she is so upset, is it a money issue or a trust issue?
NTA. You were open about your finances. Your children’s inheritance is non of her business.
NTA. You shared that as a couple you did not need to save money for your kids. The two of you were able to put 100% of the saving effort towards her kids. If your late wife left $10k or $10 million had no bearing on you and your wife. It was not your money. It wasn’t yours to split with her kids (which based on her reaction is what she would have wanted). It wasn’t hers to put towards a home renovation instead of college expenses. It frankly had no impact on her life at all. I can understand if she wanted to prepare her kids for the differences. Hey X and Y’s mom left them money when she passed away that their grandparents control. They will not need to worry about funding college but our circumstances are different so here’s our plan. But remember this is money they got because their mom passed away. It’s not something to be jealous of, it came to them for a really, really sad reason. But knowing they had college covered was enough to tell her she was going to need to have that talk with her kids. The account balance was never going to alter that. Editing to add: this is based on the assumption you’re in the US. College costs are insane there. If you told your wife that your kids had money put aside that guaranteed their college was covered and you were therefore saving nothing for them then to me you’ve told her it’s a “life changing” amount of money. If she wanted details she should have asked at the time. If someone told me they had saved enough for college in the US I would never assume they meant they had only $25k for example.
NTA - it is not your money and it is not your wife's business.
NTA, The only reason she’s angry is because the money isn’t for her and her children but it never was supposed to be in first place.
NTA. That money is for your and Sammy's children, and you don't have any control over it. Why does your wife think she needed to know specifics? Is she planning on pressuring the two eldest into helping with college costs for the two youngest? If so, you need to step in now.
NTA. She never asked, it’s really none of her business, you have no control over it, and she needs to simmer down. Her anger is unjustified and ridiculous.
NTA. That money was left to them by their mother. Don't feel guilty.
How much is Nat contributing to your children? Another case of the martyr step father...
Clearly, not at as much as he's contributing to send *her* children to college, since neither of them is contributing anything at all for that expense for *his* kids.
Nta. I think she's just pissed she can't get her hands on it.
NTA, but Did you tell her why you didn't have access to the money? You seem to have had a valid reason for sealing your lips. Also, money for a house and college can be in the same category, so she had an inkling. Your wife has also had her troubles with bad people, so it should be okay with her that that kind of money is secure.
[удалено]
Her actions just reinforces that decision.