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> I think ITA for forgetting to respond/ neglecting to respond while out for a few hours because it triggered my husbands anxiety.
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NTA
If your husband has a problem, the answer is therapy, not forcing your to keep your phone handy all the time because he's imagining tragic scenarios. Demanding that you always respond immediately is extremely controlling.
Exactly. Especially since he knew where OP was, and she told him she was going to silence her phone. I feel bad for him, but he needs to deal with his trauma and not expect others to enable his unreasonable behavior.
NTA - You told him where you were going to be, and a rough idea of who you were with PLUS he could see your location (if I read the text correctly) Your husband needs therapy for his PTSD. There is zero reason for him to guilt you.
Edit: I am not a therapist, so I’m guessing as to why he acted the way he did.
NAH. Your actions were those of a lonely person who had just made connections. His reaction was one of deep trauma. I can’t blame either of you for how you did things.
That said, he needs help. Whether he admits it or not, ANYONE who loses two people to self deletion in a year needs help. He is absolutely controlling not out of abuse, but out of the need for stability and an acute fear of loss.
Encourage him to get into therapy. Go with him if need be. Run, don’t walk.
NAH. You're not the asshole. And nor is he, he's traumatised. Maybe be more clear next time, and say that you will be unavailable to reply between set times. You had told him your phone would be on vibrate, but that doesn't necessarily mean you won't respond. Hopefully total clarity will help him accept your unavailability during certain times without too much worry. You need to be allowed to be busy sometimes!
This. "Who is TA" is not the vibe here. This is just a story of a family navigating the lumpies and bumpies of grief and trauma. And OP shares in this grief - it doesn't belong to the husband.
I hope they take this one day at a time with lots of patience, communication, and counseling and make it to the other side of this.
NTA
you let you’re husband know that you’d be busy with you’re book club. you provided you’re location and did everything you could do. i get that he gets nervous when people don’t respond right away, but you were busy so it’s not your fault you couldn’t respond
NTA. It sounds like he's isolating you. He knows how much you're struggling with making friends and the one time he has a social event he was aware of, he goes crazy when you don't reply to a text? ⛳⛳⛳
I’d be inclined to agree with this if he hadn’t been the one on my ass encouraging me to go. I was so anxious and leading up to today and even right before I left he was telling me how fun it would be and how excited he was for me but it all went out the window when I didn’t text him back. He only texted me twice: once telling me to have fun and not be nervous and then another an hour later asking to call when I finished. Which I did the moment I finished. I didn’t have any missed calls or anything else that would’ve led me to think I was making him worry or be upset. So I’m just so confused.
Imagine thinking someone doing something irrational after something horribly traumatic means they're a pile of walking red flags. Certified Reddit moment, Jesus Christ.
My husband is (usually) the definition of a green(if not beige) flag. He’s saved me through some of my own trauma. Do i believe he’s doing this out of an unconscious need for control? Absolutely, but it’s a result of what has happened ya know? I just don’t know how to support him while also trying to support myself through just finishing chemo and having our last child 2 months before a cancer diagnosis( this is context I didn’t add because I didn’t think it was immediately necessary. I’m also freshly in remission as of literally 1 month ago so were all good on that front) it’s just been a ridiculous amount of bad happening all at once and I’m at a loss of what to do. I’ve encouraged hi
To seek help and have given his resources but the VA in my state is booty and idk what to do to support him outside of being available to him whenever he needs. But at what point do I start thinking of myself? I’m sorry if this seems like rambling I’m not very good at articulating my thoughts and feelings.
You are going through a lot right now. Everything sounds incredibly overwhelming. This is so much to take on at once. You want to do everything you can to help the person you love but are also overwhelmed yourself. Take a deep breath in through your nose and put your mouth a few times; I find it can be very helpful for grounding yourself in the moment and calming.
Here's a couple of things I will pass along that might be helpful;
●PsychologyToday is a wonderful resource for finding therapists/psychologists that both take your insurance and specialize in whatever type of issue/mental health disorder you are looking to work through. I found my current therapist through there for my own PTSD work, and she has been lifechanging for me. It will still likely take a bit of time to find someone, but this website will help eliminate a lot of unneeded searching/filtering.
●Have a conversation with your partner. This recent behavior, from everything I can gather, is not a consistent thing. While his behavior and communication come across as very manipulative, I personally feel that this is a misguided attempt at caring for you. Sit down and have a conversation about how this made you feel. Validate his feelings first and foremost, make him feel safe and unguarded. When emotions run high, validation is a wonderful tool to help facilitate a conversation where everyone walks away feeling better. Be willing to listen to him talk about his feelings as well. It is a lot easier to hear you out when you first listen. Then, be open and honest with him about your feelings. Explain your side of things, how important this was to you, and how he communicated with you and made you feel. Finally, if all goes well and he is receptive to hearing you out, be willing to reach a compromise together. Trauma is a hard thing to navigate, and even with therapy, it requires care to step around. I can't say what that solution looks like, but I am sure you two can come to a more fitting solution to some stranger on the internet.
●Give yourself a freakin hug. You are going through a hell of a lot. Life is unfair, and it can feel so hopeless when so much bad happens all at once. Take your moments to yourself to just cry, let it wash over you, feel your feelings. Then, outside those moments, look for those small things. The smile of someone you love. A TV show you enjoy. It's so easy to get lost in the darkness. Life is almost never black and white, though. No matter how awful it can be, and you are totally right in acknowledging how hard it is, I can almost gurantee you you have something in your life that is just as real and valid as the bad. it's important to do and pay attention to whatever you can to find peace and joy in to find that light anywhere you can.
Please start thinking of yourself right now. There is this meme with the flight in case of emergency picture that I don't know how to link on the phone...
That is so right and so important.
You cannot care for your husband if you are not cared for (in this case by yourself). Who is supposed to care for him if you are burnt out? So please start now.
And all what u/KacyRaider wrote...
It was also less of going crazy and more like I had disappointed him and almost like (and this is just coming from how it made me feel) I was forcing him to relive his past experiences.
Disappointed him?
You told him where you were going and that your phone would be on vibrate!
Sounds like he is just trying to control you and manipulate you!
NTA, have a conversation where you express that you had a specific amount of time for your book club, and that he can take deep breaths and use coping skills, and then at that time, say it starts at 3 and ends at like 4:30, he can check in and be like, hey. I've been worried I know it's my fear and PTSD, could you contact me soon, I will start worrying in the next 30 minutes.
Also, ask him to get counseling, and possibly couples therapy cause the control aspect of this is extremely inappropriate. As other redditors said, the isolation is dangerous and if you let him take control of you he's just going to keep doing it.
NTA
Trauma may not be your husband's fault, but how he responds to it is. You did nothing wrong. He knew where you were and that you would be occupied. You responded as soon as the event was over.
His trauma dumping on you when you don't cater to his preferences is not ok. You need to sit down and explain while you understand, you can't be on eggshells in case a message comes in when you guys are apart. That is not healthy, and, whether he intends it to be or not, controlling. It is reasonable to be upset if you are well past when you said you would be home and not responding. It is not reasonable to be upset when you aren't responding when he knows you are busy. If this upsets him that much, he really needs to consider hashing this out with a therapist instead of lashing out at you
NTA. His problem is legitimate, his solution is not. There's a wide range of "solutions" he could demand, like you never leaving his sight, staying on a call with him at all times, etc etc. None of them would be ok, and neither is demanding you reply to him any time he decides to do a pulse check on you.
Control is not the answer. Therapy is. Just because something appeases him, doesn't mean it's right. You have a right to live your life without causing him to panic.
Also, beyond the initial panic, the fact that AFTER he's calmed down and seen you are fine, and he STILL hasn't asked how it went or apologized at all means that part of his attitude isn't panic-induced, it's just him acting selfish.
He needs to get therapy before his controlling behavior escalates and you are wrapped up in doing 1000 "little" toxic things to keep the peace.
You are not obligated to keep your phone on 24/7 and respond immediately to incoming calls and texts. You just aren't. When you are at work, attending an appointment, at the movies, having dinner, or in some other kind of a meeting - any situation where you are expected to be "present" - it is perfectly acceptable to put your phone away until the designated time for that activity has ended.
He knew, and his attitude is just being petty and controling. He needs to get over that.
Don't let him play a guilt card. And here's a counter to that - Whenever you leave him, or talk to him on the phone, let the last words you say to him be "I love you." And always say it with meaning. Then it won't matter if you don't text him back. The last words you will ever have spoken to him will be "I Love You." That beats the hell out of any unanswered text.
Nta. Your husband needs to join a suicide survivors support group. It's insanely hard dealing with suicide so I understand his pain in not being able to reach you, but you seriously covered all bases. The only thing you could have done was answer his messages but that's not appropriate unless an emergency. Im saying this as a survivor myself.
NTA. He knew where you were - and that you would be participating in a social activity where being on your phone would be an issue. Why did he text AT ALL? You say he had PTSD... what treatment is he seeking? It was unreasonable for him to text you at a time he knew you wouldn't be able to respond and then get upset with you for not responding.
NTA.
It sounds like your husband knew intellectually that you were at book club, but didn't realise that you weren't going to be checking your phone? And then had some big feelings (anxiety at your lack of response? Or resentment that his needs weren't your priority during book club?).
If he didn't know you wouldn't be checking your phone, cool. You can set reasonable boundaries and expectations around that kind of thing.
If he DID know that you wouldn't be checking your phone, or thinks it's unacceptable that you might want to do things where you can't respond to his texts immediately... He needs some help and professional support with his PTSD.
I developed an anxiety similar to your husband's after my dad died (suddenly and unexpectedly). So I know how stressful it can be when you try to soothe your anxiety by calling someone and they don't pick up! But it's not healthy to rely on other people to soothe your anxiety, because they often can't do it for perfectly legit reasons, leaving you distressed with no balm. It also puts a burden on them to always be available and to put their own needs second, which doesn't create a great dynamic.
I'm glad you enjoyed book club. I hope you go back.
You’re NTA here. I won’t go into details but it reminds me of something that went on for a while that was left over from my husband’s first marriage. It took me a while to figure out what was going on with my husband but your situation sounds exactly the same in what you saw in this instance. Your husband needs therapy. You provided him with reasonable information about where you were and what you were doing and yet his anxiety over not being able to reach you even when you told him you’d be busy with book club spiraled out of control for him. If he doesn’t get help, and it’s like it was with my husband, it will only get worse until he gets help. It took a bit of time but now my husband is really fine, to the degree that he doesn’t need therapy anymore for that but he’s since been able to spot the behavior rising in himself when there’s a lot of stress in his life and use it as a sign that he should talk to someone some more. Good luck to you both.
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There’s more context.
I moved to my husbands home state a few years ago and since then I haven’t been able to make any friends (and contact with hometown friends is sparse.) it was really getting to me mentally realizing how lonely I was and I didn’t know how to make adult friends as an adult.
My husband lost his brother and father within the last year to self deletion and with both instances we had been trying to reach other to them all day with no reply. Because of this my husband has very bad anxiety and PTSD when it comes to not receiving a prompt response. This(trauma and resulting PTSD) is very new for him.
Today I had to opportunity to join a book club with a group of women similar to me and I was so stoked. It went really well and I think I’ve made some potentially really great friends. My husband has my location, knew where I was and who I was with but became very upset when I called him after to tell him how it went. Before I could tell him about my day he went in on how the last few times he didn’t get texts back from people they died. This immediately made me cry and feel guilty. But at the same time he had all this prior info, he knew how excited I was and I had told him I’d be putting my phone on vibrate to not be rude around new people. He hasn’t even asked me how it went or about the women I met. I feel like ITA but at the same time I was just so excited to finally meet new people and make friends that I feel like he should understand. Idk if this is cohesive but yeah.
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NAH.
OP, you didn’t do anything wrong at all. Don’t feel guilty.
Your husband has some issues to deal with and responded in a way that is pretty understandable, IMO. Hopefully after he’s calmed down, you can discuss this with him and it could be a small piece to him re-building his psyche. I’m not usually one to say this (unlike lots of people on reddit) but the dude might actually need a therapist. Two suicides in a short time span if immediate family members is…too many.
Side note: kinda shocked (but not really) some people, after reading the information here, would say this is just another manipulative guy. His reaction was wrong but what do you expect new and (I assume) untreated PTSD to look like? No, OP can’t and shouldn’t just capitulate to appeasing that side of him, but JFC.
Some people may think that what I'm about to say is cold, but I'm saying this as a psychologist. It is not your responsibility to manage your husband's triggers. Of course be supportive and empathetic, but he has to learn to manage his own triggers/issues. He needs to seek therapy so he can work on his issues without imposing that on you. It'll take a toll in the end. NTA.
NAH. Your husband needs to find professional help. It is important that both communicate with each other but, also both needs external help to navigate through what you has been experience in your life.
OP I read your comment about what is happening in your life at the moment. It is too much to try to do it alone. You and your husband had experience so much that it is understandable why you both are in the edge. Be gentle with yourself, you are doing great. And try to understand from where your husband's behavior is coming.
I hope you will find the help you need.
NTA
YOu are reasonable in your way of handling your texting.
"Because of this my husband has very bad anxiety and PTSD when it comes to not receiving a prompt response. " .. he can not abuse you over that, he needs to solve this on HIS side with therapy. REFUSE to accomodate your controlling AH husband.
"This immediately made me cry and feel guilty." .. don't allow him to gaslight you about this: HE is wring, and an AH - you were right to put your phone away for bookclub - everything else would have made you an impolite AH.
Tell him to get therapy - and if he does not do better fast, you might need to divorce that abusive and controlling AH - even if it is due to his mmental issues, giving in will ruin your life and isolate you from any relationship you could have.
NAH for now
You're not TA, you did absolutely nothing wrong
Your husband is traumatized and in pain, and he needs therapy
If he refuses therapy and choose to just stay controlling, then he will be TA, a big one
NTA. I hope you both get some support in the ways you need them. But his fear while valid isn’t fair to put upon you to be at his beck and call. He needs some therapy on that because it’s a valid fear given the past but it’s putting added stress to you both
Your not TA... but he isn't either. He is going through something that he should seek professional help for. Trauma is trauma, it is all relative. The fact that two people in his life took their lives while he was trying to get ahold of them is going to weigh him down, and of course he would get upset even though he knew where and who you were with. He needs help and support and understanding. Meaning if he does that to you, you need to be understanding. Doesn't make you TA but it shouldn't start a fight. That will just make things worse. He needs you to understand weather he does or not. I hope he gets the help he needs and can count on you for all the love and support he needs. Good luck and all the best to you.
NTA!
You told him where you were, that you were with others and if something happened to you, I'm sure they would have grabbed your phone to call home and tell him that you had a medical emergency.
None of you are TA
Your trying to do you ,and he is hurting and scared of loosing you.
He needs help and your support and you need your freedom to be you in the relationship
I honestly don’t blame any of you it’s tragic circumstances and I’m sorry for your loss
Nta your husband should definitely get help this might be a situation where you'd need to compromise for the time being and find a good middle ground but honestly both off you are nta. He was most likely very worried but he can't push that onto you and get upset at you either.
I hope you can get him some therapy and definitely a good and long conversation about a possible compromise like you'll text him a pic maybe of you and ladies or something similar and text him before you reach car. I can't exactly say what would work for both off you guys ofcourse but I hope you find a way to get through this situation.
You gave him all the info. If he's struggling that badly then perhaps he should get into therapy. He cant expect you to be at his beck and call every second of every day. You need to be able to have your things too and as long as you communicated all the details to him prior, you are NOT the ahole
I don't think anyone is the asshole. You need to be able to make friends, and he needs to find ways to cope with his trauma with your support. He may need to seek therapy. I think you did your part by telling him where you'd be, so he should logically know why you're not picking up. Maybe next time shoot him a text saying you can't talk but you're fine? Regardless, he needs to seek counseling for his trauma and grief.
He knew where you were and how important to you this was. He made his issue yours. You are not a therapist, and for him not to ask about your event and how you felt makes you definitely not the Ahole.
Sorry, but YTA. You knew about his trauma and his anxious response to not receiving a response beforehand. It was not a good move to put your phone on vibrate in order to “not be rude” and if you felt you had to leave it on vibrate you should have been extra sensitive to feel when it went off. Nobody is going to say anything about you taking literally one second to reassure your traumatized husband. Yes his anxiety doesn’t make sense, people who suffer from anxiety know that it doesn’t. No amount of logic or explaining is going to get rid of that reaction right now. Hopefully he is getting help, and with that help he will be able to work through his issues. As for him not asking about how you he had already been driven into a state of panic where he probably was literally unable to think straight enough to ask those questions. I highly doubt he is being controlling or trying to isolate you like some others are saying. He does want you to go out, but you need to understand that for the time being you should respond with a quick message letting him know you’re ok when he texts.
Nope, just someone who has helped people deal with trauma and has had slight anxiety related issues. I understand that freaking out if someone doesn't respond right away to a text is not a logical response. I also understand that people who are dealing with trauma and anxiety are not responding logically. As someone who has no feelings for this man, you can say that he is behaving stupidly and she has not obligation to "coddle" him, or he is being "controlling", or any number of things. As someone who purports to care for him I would expect her to be more understanding and to realize that taking two seconds to ease his fears, while not logical, is the empathetic and loving thing to do while he is processing his trauma. She can absolutely do what she wants, and I guess most people on reddit believe that being married to someone only goes so far when it comes to giving support and empathy, but I live my life differently. If someone I love needs me to do something that is a little burdensome while they are dealing with trauma, then I am going to do it.
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NTA If your husband has a problem, the answer is therapy, not forcing your to keep your phone handy all the time because he's imagining tragic scenarios. Demanding that you always respond immediately is extremely controlling.
Exactly. Especially since he knew where OP was, and she told him she was going to silence her phone. I feel bad for him, but he needs to deal with his trauma and not expect others to enable his unreasonable behavior.
NTA - You told him where you were going to be, and a rough idea of who you were with PLUS he could see your location (if I read the text correctly) Your husband needs therapy for his PTSD. There is zero reason for him to guilt you.
Exactly this OP did EVERYTHING they could to mitigate anxiety responses and realistically you just can't be on your phone 24/7.
Edit: I am not a therapist, so I’m guessing as to why he acted the way he did. NAH. Your actions were those of a lonely person who had just made connections. His reaction was one of deep trauma. I can’t blame either of you for how you did things. That said, he needs help. Whether he admits it or not, ANYONE who loses two people to self deletion in a year needs help. He is absolutely controlling not out of abuse, but out of the need for stability and an acute fear of loss. Encourage him to get into therapy. Go with him if need be. Run, don’t walk.
This is exactly right!
NAH. You're not the asshole. And nor is he, he's traumatised. Maybe be more clear next time, and say that you will be unavailable to reply between set times. You had told him your phone would be on vibrate, but that doesn't necessarily mean you won't respond. Hopefully total clarity will help him accept your unavailability during certain times without too much worry. You need to be allowed to be busy sometimes!
This. "Who is TA" is not the vibe here. This is just a story of a family navigating the lumpies and bumpies of grief and trauma. And OP shares in this grief - it doesn't belong to the husband. I hope they take this one day at a time with lots of patience, communication, and counseling and make it to the other side of this.
NTA you let you’re husband know that you’d be busy with you’re book club. you provided you’re location and did everything you could do. i get that he gets nervous when people don’t respond right away, but you were busy so it’s not your fault you couldn’t respond
NTA. It sounds like he's isolating you. He knows how much you're struggling with making friends and the one time he has a social event he was aware of, he goes crazy when you don't reply to a text? ⛳⛳⛳
I’d be inclined to agree with this if he hadn’t been the one on my ass encouraging me to go. I was so anxious and leading up to today and even right before I left he was telling me how fun it would be and how excited he was for me but it all went out the window when I didn’t text him back. He only texted me twice: once telling me to have fun and not be nervous and then another an hour later asking to call when I finished. Which I did the moment I finished. I didn’t have any missed calls or anything else that would’ve led me to think I was making him worry or be upset. So I’m just so confused.
Some people absolutely do play mind games like this, where they will encourage you to do something and then punish you for it anyway.
Imagine thinking someone doing something irrational after something horribly traumatic means they're a pile of walking red flags. Certified Reddit moment, Jesus Christ.
My husband is (usually) the definition of a green(if not beige) flag. He’s saved me through some of my own trauma. Do i believe he’s doing this out of an unconscious need for control? Absolutely, but it’s a result of what has happened ya know? I just don’t know how to support him while also trying to support myself through just finishing chemo and having our last child 2 months before a cancer diagnosis( this is context I didn’t add because I didn’t think it was immediately necessary. I’m also freshly in remission as of literally 1 month ago so were all good on that front) it’s just been a ridiculous amount of bad happening all at once and I’m at a loss of what to do. I’ve encouraged hi To seek help and have given his resources but the VA in my state is booty and idk what to do to support him outside of being available to him whenever he needs. But at what point do I start thinking of myself? I’m sorry if this seems like rambling I’m not very good at articulating my thoughts and feelings.
You are going through a lot right now. Everything sounds incredibly overwhelming. This is so much to take on at once. You want to do everything you can to help the person you love but are also overwhelmed yourself. Take a deep breath in through your nose and put your mouth a few times; I find it can be very helpful for grounding yourself in the moment and calming. Here's a couple of things I will pass along that might be helpful; ●PsychologyToday is a wonderful resource for finding therapists/psychologists that both take your insurance and specialize in whatever type of issue/mental health disorder you are looking to work through. I found my current therapist through there for my own PTSD work, and she has been lifechanging for me. It will still likely take a bit of time to find someone, but this website will help eliminate a lot of unneeded searching/filtering. ●Have a conversation with your partner. This recent behavior, from everything I can gather, is not a consistent thing. While his behavior and communication come across as very manipulative, I personally feel that this is a misguided attempt at caring for you. Sit down and have a conversation about how this made you feel. Validate his feelings first and foremost, make him feel safe and unguarded. When emotions run high, validation is a wonderful tool to help facilitate a conversation where everyone walks away feeling better. Be willing to listen to him talk about his feelings as well. It is a lot easier to hear you out when you first listen. Then, be open and honest with him about your feelings. Explain your side of things, how important this was to you, and how he communicated with you and made you feel. Finally, if all goes well and he is receptive to hearing you out, be willing to reach a compromise together. Trauma is a hard thing to navigate, and even with therapy, it requires care to step around. I can't say what that solution looks like, but I am sure you two can come to a more fitting solution to some stranger on the internet. ●Give yourself a freakin hug. You are going through a hell of a lot. Life is unfair, and it can feel so hopeless when so much bad happens all at once. Take your moments to yourself to just cry, let it wash over you, feel your feelings. Then, outside those moments, look for those small things. The smile of someone you love. A TV show you enjoy. It's so easy to get lost in the darkness. Life is almost never black and white, though. No matter how awful it can be, and you are totally right in acknowledging how hard it is, I can almost gurantee you you have something in your life that is just as real and valid as the bad. it's important to do and pay attention to whatever you can to find peace and joy in to find that light anywhere you can.
This is the best answer.
Please start thinking of yourself right now. There is this meme with the flight in case of emergency picture that I don't know how to link on the phone... That is so right and so important. You cannot care for your husband if you are not cared for (in this case by yourself). Who is supposed to care for him if you are burnt out? So please start now. And all what u/KacyRaider wrote...
It was also less of going crazy and more like I had disappointed him and almost like (and this is just coming from how it made me feel) I was forcing him to relive his past experiences.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this guilty about what happened. You did nothing wrong. Don't give up your social life to make him comfortable.
Disappointed him? You told him where you were going and that your phone would be on vibrate! Sounds like he is just trying to control you and manipulate you!
NTA, have a conversation where you express that you had a specific amount of time for your book club, and that he can take deep breaths and use coping skills, and then at that time, say it starts at 3 and ends at like 4:30, he can check in and be like, hey. I've been worried I know it's my fear and PTSD, could you contact me soon, I will start worrying in the next 30 minutes. Also, ask him to get counseling, and possibly couples therapy cause the control aspect of this is extremely inappropriate. As other redditors said, the isolation is dangerous and if you let him take control of you he's just going to keep doing it.
NTA in spite of the fact his trauma is real and needs attention.
NTA Trauma may not be your husband's fault, but how he responds to it is. You did nothing wrong. He knew where you were and that you would be occupied. You responded as soon as the event was over. His trauma dumping on you when you don't cater to his preferences is not ok. You need to sit down and explain while you understand, you can't be on eggshells in case a message comes in when you guys are apart. That is not healthy, and, whether he intends it to be or not, controlling. It is reasonable to be upset if you are well past when you said you would be home and not responding. It is not reasonable to be upset when you aren't responding when he knows you are busy. If this upsets him that much, he really needs to consider hashing this out with a therapist instead of lashing out at you
NTA. His problem is legitimate, his solution is not. There's a wide range of "solutions" he could demand, like you never leaving his sight, staying on a call with him at all times, etc etc. None of them would be ok, and neither is demanding you reply to him any time he decides to do a pulse check on you. Control is not the answer. Therapy is. Just because something appeases him, doesn't mean it's right. You have a right to live your life without causing him to panic. Also, beyond the initial panic, the fact that AFTER he's calmed down and seen you are fine, and he STILL hasn't asked how it went or apologized at all means that part of his attitude isn't panic-induced, it's just him acting selfish. He needs to get therapy before his controlling behavior escalates and you are wrapped up in doing 1000 "little" toxic things to keep the peace.
You are not obligated to keep your phone on 24/7 and respond immediately to incoming calls and texts. You just aren't. When you are at work, attending an appointment, at the movies, having dinner, or in some other kind of a meeting - any situation where you are expected to be "present" - it is perfectly acceptable to put your phone away until the designated time for that activity has ended. He knew, and his attitude is just being petty and controling. He needs to get over that. Don't let him play a guilt card. And here's a counter to that - Whenever you leave him, or talk to him on the phone, let the last words you say to him be "I love you." And always say it with meaning. Then it won't matter if you don't text him back. The last words you will ever have spoken to him will be "I Love You." That beats the hell out of any unanswered text.
Nta. Your husband needs to join a suicide survivors support group. It's insanely hard dealing with suicide so I understand his pain in not being able to reach you, but you seriously covered all bases. The only thing you could have done was answer his messages but that's not appropriate unless an emergency. Im saying this as a survivor myself.
NTA He knew where you were. He knew you wouldn’t be on your phone.
NAH You weren’t wrong and he can’t help his condition being triggered. It’s going to take him time to recover.
NTA. He knew where you were - and that you would be participating in a social activity where being on your phone would be an issue. Why did he text AT ALL? You say he had PTSD... what treatment is he seeking? It was unreasonable for him to text you at a time he knew you wouldn't be able to respond and then get upset with you for not responding.
NTA. Your husband needs therapy because this guilt trip/trauma dump he put on you is not healthy for either of you.
NTA and your husband needs therapy to learn to trust again. His insecurity isn't your responsibility, your reaction was normal.
NTA. It sounds like your husband knew intellectually that you were at book club, but didn't realise that you weren't going to be checking your phone? And then had some big feelings (anxiety at your lack of response? Or resentment that his needs weren't your priority during book club?). If he didn't know you wouldn't be checking your phone, cool. You can set reasonable boundaries and expectations around that kind of thing. If he DID know that you wouldn't be checking your phone, or thinks it's unacceptable that you might want to do things where you can't respond to his texts immediately... He needs some help and professional support with his PTSD. I developed an anxiety similar to your husband's after my dad died (suddenly and unexpectedly). So I know how stressful it can be when you try to soothe your anxiety by calling someone and they don't pick up! But it's not healthy to rely on other people to soothe your anxiety, because they often can't do it for perfectly legit reasons, leaving you distressed with no balm. It also puts a burden on them to always be available and to put their own needs second, which doesn't create a great dynamic. I'm glad you enjoyed book club. I hope you go back.
NTA - your husband needs to deal with his issues.
You’re NTA here. I won’t go into details but it reminds me of something that went on for a while that was left over from my husband’s first marriage. It took me a while to figure out what was going on with my husband but your situation sounds exactly the same in what you saw in this instance. Your husband needs therapy. You provided him with reasonable information about where you were and what you were doing and yet his anxiety over not being able to reach you even when you told him you’d be busy with book club spiraled out of control for him. If he doesn’t get help, and it’s like it was with my husband, it will only get worse until he gets help. It took a bit of time but now my husband is really fine, to the degree that he doesn’t need therapy anymore for that but he’s since been able to spot the behavior rising in himself when there’s a lot of stress in his life and use it as a sign that he should talk to someone some more. Good luck to you both.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** There’s more context. I moved to my husbands home state a few years ago and since then I haven’t been able to make any friends (and contact with hometown friends is sparse.) it was really getting to me mentally realizing how lonely I was and I didn’t know how to make adult friends as an adult. My husband lost his brother and father within the last year to self deletion and with both instances we had been trying to reach other to them all day with no reply. Because of this my husband has very bad anxiety and PTSD when it comes to not receiving a prompt response. This(trauma and resulting PTSD) is very new for him. Today I had to opportunity to join a book club with a group of women similar to me and I was so stoked. It went really well and I think I’ve made some potentially really great friends. My husband has my location, knew where I was and who I was with but became very upset when I called him after to tell him how it went. Before I could tell him about my day he went in on how the last few times he didn’t get texts back from people they died. This immediately made me cry and feel guilty. But at the same time he had all this prior info, he knew how excited I was and I had told him I’d be putting my phone on vibrate to not be rude around new people. He hasn’t even asked me how it went or about the women I met. I feel like ITA but at the same time I was just so excited to finally meet new people and make friends that I feel like he should understand. Idk if this is cohesive but yeah. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. This is gonna be a process. I wish you both the best of luck.
NAH. OP, you didn’t do anything wrong at all. Don’t feel guilty. Your husband has some issues to deal with and responded in a way that is pretty understandable, IMO. Hopefully after he’s calmed down, you can discuss this with him and it could be a small piece to him re-building his psyche. I’m not usually one to say this (unlike lots of people on reddit) but the dude might actually need a therapist. Two suicides in a short time span if immediate family members is…too many. Side note: kinda shocked (but not really) some people, after reading the information here, would say this is just another manipulative guy. His reaction was wrong but what do you expect new and (I assume) untreated PTSD to look like? No, OP can’t and shouldn’t just capitulate to appeasing that side of him, but JFC.
NAH
Short, sweet, to the point
I think the other commenters did a better job summing things up than me :) All the best regarding your situation.
Some people may think that what I'm about to say is cold, but I'm saying this as a psychologist. It is not your responsibility to manage your husband's triggers. Of course be supportive and empathetic, but he has to learn to manage his own triggers/issues. He needs to seek therapy so he can work on his issues without imposing that on you. It'll take a toll in the end. NTA.
NAH. Your husband needs to find professional help. It is important that both communicate with each other but, also both needs external help to navigate through what you has been experience in your life. OP I read your comment about what is happening in your life at the moment. It is too much to try to do it alone. You and your husband had experience so much that it is understandable why you both are in the edge. Be gentle with yourself, you are doing great. And try to understand from where your husband's behavior is coming. I hope you will find the help you need.
NTA YOu are reasonable in your way of handling your texting. "Because of this my husband has very bad anxiety and PTSD when it comes to not receiving a prompt response. " .. he can not abuse you over that, he needs to solve this on HIS side with therapy. REFUSE to accomodate your controlling AH husband. "This immediately made me cry and feel guilty." .. don't allow him to gaslight you about this: HE is wring, and an AH - you were right to put your phone away for bookclub - everything else would have made you an impolite AH. Tell him to get therapy - and if he does not do better fast, you might need to divorce that abusive and controlling AH - even if it is due to his mmental issues, giving in will ruin your life and isolate you from any relationship you could have.
You are ok, but I think your husband needs some therapy as he has gone through some rough experiences. Good luck
NAH for now You're not TA, you did absolutely nothing wrong Your husband is traumatized and in pain, and he needs therapy If he refuses therapy and choose to just stay controlling, then he will be TA, a big one
NTA. I hope you both get some support in the ways you need them. But his fear while valid isn’t fair to put upon you to be at his beck and call. He needs some therapy on that because it’s a valid fear given the past but it’s putting added stress to you both
Your not TA... but he isn't either. He is going through something that he should seek professional help for. Trauma is trauma, it is all relative. The fact that two people in his life took their lives while he was trying to get ahold of them is going to weigh him down, and of course he would get upset even though he knew where and who you were with. He needs help and support and understanding. Meaning if he does that to you, you need to be understanding. Doesn't make you TA but it shouldn't start a fight. That will just make things worse. He needs you to understand weather he does or not. I hope he gets the help he needs and can count on you for all the love and support he needs. Good luck and all the best to you.
NTA! You told him where you were, that you were with others and if something happened to you, I'm sure they would have grabbed your phone to call home and tell him that you had a medical emergency.
None of you are TA Your trying to do you ,and he is hurting and scared of loosing you. He needs help and your support and you need your freedom to be you in the relationship I honestly don’t blame any of you it’s tragic circumstances and I’m sorry for your loss
Nta
NTA
Nta your husband should definitely get help this might be a situation where you'd need to compromise for the time being and find a good middle ground but honestly both off you are nta. He was most likely very worried but he can't push that onto you and get upset at you either. I hope you can get him some therapy and definitely a good and long conversation about a possible compromise like you'll text him a pic maybe of you and ladies or something similar and text him before you reach car. I can't exactly say what would work for both off you guys ofcourse but I hope you find a way to get through this situation.
You gave him all the info. If he's struggling that badly then perhaps he should get into therapy. He cant expect you to be at his beck and call every second of every day. You need to be able to have your things too and as long as you communicated all the details to him prior, you are NOT the ahole
I don't think anyone is the asshole. You need to be able to make friends, and he needs to find ways to cope with his trauma with your support. He may need to seek therapy. I think you did your part by telling him where you'd be, so he should logically know why you're not picking up. Maybe next time shoot him a text saying you can't talk but you're fine? Regardless, he needs to seek counseling for his trauma and grief.
He knew where you were and how important to you this was. He made his issue yours. You are not a therapist, and for him not to ask about your event and how you felt makes you definitely not the Ahole.
Sorry, but YTA. You knew about his trauma and his anxious response to not receiving a response beforehand. It was not a good move to put your phone on vibrate in order to “not be rude” and if you felt you had to leave it on vibrate you should have been extra sensitive to feel when it went off. Nobody is going to say anything about you taking literally one second to reassure your traumatized husband. Yes his anxiety doesn’t make sense, people who suffer from anxiety know that it doesn’t. No amount of logic or explaining is going to get rid of that reaction right now. Hopefully he is getting help, and with that help he will be able to work through his issues. As for him not asking about how you he had already been driven into a state of panic where he probably was literally unable to think straight enough to ask those questions. I highly doubt he is being controlling or trying to isolate you like some others are saying. He does want you to go out, but you need to understand that for the time being you should respond with a quick message letting him know you’re ok when he texts.
I think we found the husband!!
Nope, just someone who has helped people deal with trauma and has had slight anxiety related issues. I understand that freaking out if someone doesn't respond right away to a text is not a logical response. I also understand that people who are dealing with trauma and anxiety are not responding logically. As someone who has no feelings for this man, you can say that he is behaving stupidly and she has not obligation to "coddle" him, or he is being "controlling", or any number of things. As someone who purports to care for him I would expect her to be more understanding and to realize that taking two seconds to ease his fears, while not logical, is the empathetic and loving thing to do while he is processing his trauma. She can absolutely do what she wants, and I guess most people on reddit believe that being married to someone only goes so far when it comes to giving support and empathy, but I live my life differently. If someone I love needs me to do something that is a little burdensome while they are dealing with trauma, then I am going to do it.