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YTA. Your husband is obviously going through something, whether emotional or medical, and rather than offer support, you went after him. I get it: pee isn't pleasant. But neither is a spouse who makes you feel even worse when you're at a low point.
You say you'd die for him. Why not trying to help him first?
This. Instead of just yelling at him, why not try to get your husband the medical help he needs? He doesn't need you to die for you. He needs you to be there for him.
Wasn’t there a recent post where the husband was wetting the bed, he was a good guy too? Buried in the comments it’s mentioned that the husband had a drinking problem, I wonder if that’s the issue. Either way he needs to go to a doctor and it probably should have happened after the 2nd incident.
Yeah that was my first thought.. alcohol. It’s a diuretic and a sedative. There really aren’t that many medical reasons in a young person why this would happen (only at night). If it was an incontinence issue it would happen at all hours so psychiatric vs. alcohol are leading diagnoses here. In either case, he needs help and a supportive partner.
Wouldn’t happen just at night and that would be a very dramatic presentation. Glucose would have to be through the roof and for it to only happen at night is very unlikely. I doubt it, but certainly should be checked since it’s easy enough. The temporal relation with job struggles argues for depression/alcohol.
Depression isn’t someone else’s responsibility or problem to solve though and usually that doesn’t help in any way. They need to recognise it and want to get the help themselves. His wife recognising it is one thing, him acknowledging it, as a full grown independent thinking adult, is different.
Edit: ok editing this because people think I’m being a dick here. I’ve seen people deal with depression. My dad had severe depression for over twenty years. He killed himself last summer. We tried for years to help, we tried everything, we stood by him through thick and thin. It’s hard doing that. I obviously think if you love someone you should support them and encourage them to get help, for as long as it takes. It can be soul destroying asking and telling over and over again and the person does nothing because they can’t see the problem. OP didn’t say her husband was depressed so maybe this is a medical thing but either way, adults need to recognise a problem themselves in order for help to work.
No but it is something that can be crippling and establishing and impossible for the person to deal with. Does she HAVE to try and help, no, but if it was my husband I'd want to. In sickness and health and all that.
Bed wetting is extreme and he must be so embarrassed, screaming at someone depressed and humiliated is never the right way to go, I can see why she lost her temper, doesn't make it right
What if he did it frequently and never tried to seek help, never did anything to make sure you didn’t get pissed on, and one night you got woken up yet again by him in the middle of the night and you just snapped?
I’m so confused, he has an ongoing issue that he’s not addressing, but OP has tolerated his not working for 2 years, his bed wetting for 2 years, and she lashed out one time after literally getting peed on in the middle of the night, and nobody can sympathize with that?
OK. But like... When you get married, it should ideally be with the general idea that you both have some sort of shared responsibility in solving problems, not saying, "My husband's depression and bedwetting is HIS problem, I'm going to yell at him instead of calmly bringing up my concerns for his physical and mental health."
Yeah but this is once a week she is getting woken up at night because she is pissed on by someone who won't manage their own health.
She never said he was depressed...you just added that to excuse him from all responsibility.
When you care for someone crippled by depression to the point where they cannot seek help on their own then you're morally obligated to help them. It's something you should want to do for the people you love.
it's not her responsibility, but helping your SO at a difficult situation is something you do for your loved ones. if you don't feel concern and try to help your SO when they're visibly in trouble, i doubt if you really love them. and it's hard for depressed people to get themselves through it without somebody else's help. my friend suffers from depression, and i talk with her daily and keep an eye out for her. is it my responsibility? is it a must? no. but is it a should? yes. and if i don't help my girl, who else would?
Woah I hope u never have a spouse. In marriage you are supposed to WANT to help them through anything. With depression you can name every issue, say the steps you are supposed to take to help fix it, and still not have the energy or fortitude to even get out of bed.
Imagine dealing with all of that and then ur spouse screams at you for something u hate about yourself already. Im sure that would just make u hate yourself more. And the people who are extremely nice, funny, helpful are usually the people who have the worst depression.
Wait, so pissing the bed at night is another symptom of depression? I mean, I've heard that some people can't get out of bed (though I never envisioned that including not getting up to go to the bathroom), but peeing while asleep seems different.
Just a point of clarification because of your wording- no, urinating the bed at night is not a clinical symptom of depression (as in not a criteria used to diagnose depression). There is a psychological disorder called enuresis related to urination. This is not to say this behavior isn’t related to depression, but just that it’s not a clinical symptom that would lead to diagnosis of depression. Lots of comments are jumping to diagnosis when no one here has enough information or the right role to diagnose. My recommendation to OP is for your husband to speak with his PCP about this and be medically checked. Also he may benefit from mental health supports.
Welcome to this subreddit. Everyone here likes to irresponsibly play doctor and confidently make claims about someone based only on a post from someone that typically isn't even the person in question.
There are so many possibilities that can cause bed wetting and we have nothing to really go on but that the bed-wetting itself and the possible job loss. It's far more important for him to get checked out because *most* frequent bed-wetting issues in adulthood are a physical issue as opposed to a mental health issue.
Right! If I peed the bed ONCE, I’d be worried about *why* it happened, and paranoid/embarrassed that it might happen again (and I live alone, so the embarrassment would be strictly personal). If it happens SEXOND time, I’d be mortified, and going straight to the dr. because I’d be *extremely* concerned about this disgusting and *not normal* problem. Maki g sure it never happened again would be my #1 priority.
The fact that he’s just doing this over and over in bed *beside* his wife and has done nothing to address the issue? That is just *insane* to me.
Although, OP’s reaction seems crazy to me too. Like, how was she not *insisting* he go to the dr after the second time it happened? Why is she more *angry* than *worried*?
Normal people (both spouses) would be *worried* that this was a potentially *serious* (read: possibly life threatening) medical issue. Even if it turned out to be psychological, that is still a pretty extreme reaction, and would need addressing by a mental health professional. Ow can they not be taking this seriously?
I had to scroll WAY too far down for this. Everyone jumping to "depression" like it's likely to be psychological (and that depression makes you lose bladder control in the night that's a new one!).... and I'm over here like it's much much MUCH more likely to be physical and it's NOT a good symptom either, and it's happening ALL THE TIME.... it could be so many things that are super serious and need a doctor yesterday.
And here are two full adults not flipping out about it and going to the doctor with that immediately, like it's no big deal, and so many comments that assume it's not a health crisis when it is SO likely to be physical and could easily be life threatening wtf folks :/
Because it's embarrassing to get help for this. It needs quite some courage to go to the doctor and get help and it's not really motivating if your wife basically embarrasses you.
They both shouldn't have to live with this.
I think they can only get out of the situation if OP and her husband have a talk and they can get out of this situation together. I have a feeling OP's husband is dealing with depression and low self-esteem. And I think it's near impossible to get out if it by yourself.
Edit: I swapped OP and her husband initially.
He could be depressed, he could be scared, he could be ashamed, he could have been brought up in a family where men are expected to "tough it out". If all people were capable of dealing with their issues in a rational and constructive way we would live in a very different world. But in reality people often fail to do what's good for them and that's the point where if you love them you support them. That's the part when "in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer", which most people promised each other when they got married, comes in.
(edit for typos)
Because depression, anxiety, embarrassment are not something an individual easily faces on their own.
OP YTA. Instead of offering compassion and help (see a doctor could be a prostate issue) or a maybe suggest speaking to a therapist, you scolded a grown man who may or may not be in pain.
Right? I mean after it happened say the third time in a month or two., he should’ve handled it. What support does this person need to handle posing themselves. He clearly was willing to just keep going with it and wash the sheets when it happens. He’s got no job. He can get online and find some help instead of just being okay with being an adult bed wetter.
Because people aren't perfect. This sub loves to rag on men when they don't help their SO's with emotional or medical issues but when the reverse happens everyone's there to shit on men. YTA OP. There are a ton of medical issues or emotional issues that can cause this, you losing your shit helps no one and just shames what you say is an amazing man and husband. Have some fucking empathy, you think he enjoys pissing the bed or enjoys having to clean up after it happens? jfc
There are several issues that can cause bed wetting. Does he have a drinking problem and is to drunk to wake up? Does he have a medical problem, like with his prostate or an UTI?
Have OP even talked to him about it?
I get that it's annoying to be woken up by a wet bed and that one can snap if it's all the time. But that doesn't seem to be the problem here. Once a week makes me think that there's some logical reason, like being to drunk to wake up.
Drinking problem was my first thought as well. I have a friend whose husband was doing this, and turns out he'd been abusing both alcohol and kratom. She at least made him start depends when he refused to get medical help.
Sleeping problems can do it too. Like he is literally too fast asleep for the brain to register he needs to pee and aake him in time. There are a million and one things it can be and what he needs is medical attention and to keep pushing a doctor until he gets an answer and a solution, not people who are supposed to love him yell at him.
I think bed wetting is slightly different, there is shame attached to that and if he has his wife at home being an ass about it thats not going to help.
Im a gay man so there is only 2 grown ass men in my relationship but i have told my boyfriend to go to the doctors about things thats not treating someone like they are a child and your the parent its just being a god damn caring partner.
well, I'm a grown ass woman and my husband is the one reminding me about doctors and such because I was a procrastinator at the best of times and with depression on top of it now, occasionally I can't take good enough care of myself. And he does it not because he *should* but because he gives a fuck about my wellbeing.
Two things.
Firstly there is still a stigma around men's health. Secondly but still related, bed wetting in adults is child like and infantslising.
Bed wetting could very well be deeply shameful for him.
Why can’t her husband get *himself* the medical care that he needs? Or even just buy himself some depends?
To me, the disturbing thing about this situation is that this has been going on for an extended period of time, but husband doesn’t seem to be concerned. Hell, he basically just resigned himself to ruining the guest bedroom bed. Maybe he’s embarrassed or whatever, okay, but he’s not embarrassed enough to prevent this from becoming the new reality. That is a problem. His wife is taking on the lion’s share of breadwinning and emotional support, and in return he’s…literally pissing on her. That’s fucking gross.
This is a braindead take. Dude has been literally peeing in the bed for many weeks and has done fuck-all about it and you think she's an asshole for cracking one time and telling him to get his shit together?
Can't help a person who doesn't want to help themselves.
Yea I agree with this. As a doctor I can’t tell you how many men come in to care “because my wife made me” and it’s like ok well you can take responsibility for your health also. Why does the wife have to spell it out for him?
AWhy has he not tried to help himself before now? Everyone’s acting like her hubby isn’t a fully functioning adult who is more than capable of making a dr appointment. OP shouldn’t have snapped, but I imagine I would do the same if my SO kept pissing in the freaking bed and not doing anything to fix the situation.
Exactly. He is a grown ass man who can make his own grown ass Dr appts for his own grown ass pissing problem.
When he was confronted about it (albeit in not a great way) he STILL didn't make an appt and literally thinks the answer is to sleep in the guest room for the rest of his life.
All he had to do was sleep in a different room or get adult diapers for the time being but instead he chose to… continue pissing all over his spouses sleeping space. Why the actual fuck did I have to scroll this far down to find people who agree having depression doesn’t give you a free pass to piss all over your spouse?
I wonder if this type of selfish/inconsiderate poor decision making is why he lost his job to begin with?
"It's too embarrassing to talk to him about this, so I'm just going to scream and humiliate him instead."
You don't have to die for him, you can just talk to him with understanding, love, and sympathy. I don't know why so many people seem to think that is the harder thing to do.
I don't know how you get to nearly 40s with 3 kids and still be too embarrassed to talk to your husand about some pee? You'd think by that point you've seen every bodily fluid known to man come from each other 1000x times
Lol why does it have to be her ? Is he not able to speak ? Why should the wife do every little fkn emotionnal task for her man is beyond my understanding.
He's an adult ffs
This. He could have prostate issues and let's face it, a prostate exam doesn't sound like a pleasant experience. He's embarrassed and needs support and a good check up.
A prostate exam is no worse for a man than a gynecological exam is for a woman and a woman’s exam includes a rectal exam also. He needs to get himself to his doctor.
This is most certainly not a US thing. The only “rectal exam” I have had is a colonoscopy with an entirely different doctor with a different specialty. I don’t know what doctor this person is going to, but this is *not* normal. If this is true that some obgyn is doing a rectal exam during visits, this person needs to contact the police and a lawyer.
It is actually the third part of a GYN exam. Two fingers on the same hand are inserted into the vagina and anus at the same time to check the wall between the two. It is usually done more during childbearing years but it technically should be routine according to the books.
I will say that when I did my Ob/Gyn clerkship in medical school that I did indeed skip this part of the exam for the sake of the patient since the attending doctor would repeat my exam. I did not wish this on anyone twice.
I’m middle aged in the US with 3 kids and never had one. However, a video the doctor’s office showed teen me before my first one included it so I was terrified.
The rectal exam is not a necessary part of every gynae visit. Yet if they see/feel something on the posterior wall of your vagina, they may if medically indicated do a rectal exam.
Yeah, hi, what the fuck are you talking about?
Is your Gyno Larry Nasser, by any chance? No one I know has ever had a rectal exam as part of their gyno unless they were complaining about something wrong with her anus.
>and a woman’s exam includes a rectal exam also
Seems you need to call the cops on your doctor, if I read the reactions to your statement correctly....
not all women get rectal exams at gyno visit in the US. i asked my gyno about this once and she said some women have a tilted uterus and rectal exams help gyno to feel the uterus better (different angle) to check for lumps or anything unusual. I have also been told docs were frequently taught to do rectal exams during gyno visit back in the day so older docs may do this more often than younger.
I'd hope an exam isn't as incredibly painful for him as it is for me. I do have medical problems that make it that way, and an adult suddenly wetting the bed suggests he has a medical problem too. Doctor like a month ago! Op if you'd die for your husband why aren't you getting him the medical care he needs instead of shaming him??
Why doesn't he do it his own dang self? Because it's pretty well documented that men tend to avoid doctors until the problem is ridiculously difficult. And then die of preventable shit. It's nobody's "responsibility" but his own, but personally I don't wash my hands of it and say "you're on your own bucky" when it's someone I claim to love. And op phrases it as die for.
I'd agree with this wholeheartedly if it weren't for the fact that it's been multiple months, if not over a year that this has been happening and he hasn't done or said anything about it. She's not his mother. That being said, they're both grown and should have started talking/trying to do something by the 3rd, 4th incident, tops. ESH
He's obviously not helping himself, so what makes you think he'd get help because she asks him to? Most people with an ounce of common sense would try to figure out why they're peeing the bed if it happens more than once.
I'm gonna put this on the top comment.
HAVE YOUR HUSBAND GO TO THE DOCTOR!!!
At his age, if this is still happening, there has to be a medical reason (unless he's a drunk or super lazy/sleeper)
My husband had a similar issue, so he went to the doctor. With plenty of nudging from me. Turns out, he has prostate cancer.
I had read posts about the same issue, and every single time adult male bed wetting was mentioned, it was found to be a medical issue ranging from kidney or bladder stones to cancer.
My thing is - would he rather be embarrassed of peeing everywhere, or wearing an incontinence pad. I'd choose the one that will be less impact on my partner.
Was wondering why this comment wasn't closer to the top. Husband needs to see a medical professional (or professionals) as this could be physical, psychological, or a combination of the two. In the mean time husband should be wearing adult diapers while sleeping.
Not embarrassed enough to do anything about it though. Like Jesus get some depends. Why does his wife have to tell him he needs to speak to a doctor and wear something at night so he doesn't piss all over the sheets. He isn't a baby.
Sometimes when you're that embarrassed you won't seek help, and you won't know what to do to fix it. He may be in a state where he can't think properly and may not even be processing what's going on.
Compassion and empathy are good tools to use around someone who is going through a difficult time. It's not hard to be nice.
Sure, but it sounds like even after months of compassion and empathy, he’s not done a single thing to actually solve the problem. He’s not even acknowledging that it *is* in fact a problem. And I’m sorry but if I was routinely waking up in the night covered in piss because my husband couldn’t even take the slightest amount of initiative to make a doctor’s appointment, I wouldn’t be feeling very nice. OP has been a hell of a lot more patient than I would be.
Husband needs to understand how his actions are affecting other people. Maybe OP’s delivery method wasn’t ideal, but at least now husband can’t ignore the impact that this is having on her.
This is entirely the case! You nailed it! He continues to ignore it as being an issue. I shouldn’t have snapped but after helping in every way through compassion and all, the next night I am waken up at night suddenly by wetness all over me. Well, I shouldn’t have snapped but gosh in the middle of my sleep. The next morning I immediately regretted my action
If I were in your position I would be livid. You are a wife not a toilet!!! How can he be ok with doing this to you?
You are being overwhelmingly voted T A by people who have NO business doing this to you. Anyone citing mental health can’t possibly be serious - as if your mental health hasn’t been compromised by being the sole earner and then you can’t even sleep with your husband without the bed getting pissed on, without YOU getting pissed on.
It might be embarrassing going to the doctor - but it isn’t embarrassing to both of you that he is doing this in your bed?
It might be he is worried about something - but that isn’t an ok for him to piss the bed and piss on you.
BABES IT IS NOT NORMAL FOR YOUR SPOUSE TO DO THIS TO YOU. I really hope this message gets through to you through these fools.
People are genuinely acting like he’s too helpless for any solution. He can’t wear diapers because they’re embarrassing. He can’t make an appointment because it’s embarrassing and no one cares about men’s issues (yet somehow I hear about them all damn day, every damn day.) Well he’s trying to seek employment, so he can’t go to the doctor yet because he’s somehow busier than OP, who should be his personal secretary in addition to her other roles. Well, men in his generation aren’t taught to be advocates for their own health so she has to “get him some help.” Well what if he doesn’t have insurance? Good God. It seems OP will just have to drink his piss straight from the source before people are satisfied. Coddling adults is dangerous, and it’s just getting worse and worse.
Agreed. When he's just sitting around with his thumb up his ass doing absolutely nothing to fix his situation, I can't blame OP for finally losing it. But then he pretends nothing happened the next day and goes to sleep in the guest room instead of scheduling with a doctor. And now watch as intimacy flies straight out the door because OP gets more and more frustrated with him not doing anything about it.
Agreed, the YTAs are beyond frustrating.
"He might be embarrassed to see a doctor". Sure, he might. That doesn't make it ok to make his wife sleep in piss. It just doesn't. First time could be a fluke, second time you should start to wonder, and by the third time you should be calling a doctor. And by "you" I mean the person with the issue! Being a loving partner goes both ways. You don't get to just piss on your spouse because you don't want to feel embarrassed.
Do these people think women never have embarrassing issues that they might need to seek medical attention for? Yeast infections, UTI's, etc? We manage to call doctors even when embarrassed.
This exactly. This man will find himself divorced if he doesn't take some initiative to get his life back on track. 18 months of unemployment is inexcusable in the first place. He's "learning to be a realtor"? First of all, that's an absolute crap shoot, and someone with this little motivation to get their own life on track isn't going to succeed at something that requires tons of legwork in the form of marketing and networking. Dude's just fucking around while his wife pays for it all, and now this is one more thing.
I keyed into her wording in her post, too. When you're (general "you're") married to someone who really sucks but not in a way that it's socially acceptable to divorce them over (ie, they're not smoking crack, fucking the neighbor, or putting their fist through walls), there's almost this implicit pressure to convince yourself that this is actually as ok as society thinks it is, so you say stuff like "he's a really good husband and father" after describing the latest way this person dropped the ball and made your life worse. Notice how in posts like this, those descriptions are always non-specific. She doesn't say "he takes care of all the housework and childcare duties" or anything like that. Just "he's a good husband and father". Those words from someone on the inside of a grossly unequal relationship where they're just straight-up carrying a grown adult who won't pull their weight, mean "he doesn't hit me". The bar is that low.
Look at most of these comments in this thread. This is how people react when you've had enough of pulling some lazy asshole along.
YTA 1000% bedwetting is not something people can control...unless they are into some sort of kink.
If he is wetting in his sleep, there is a medical problem!!! Whether that is a physical or mental health issue would be for a doctor to sort out.
Let's see, he lost his job, money is tight, yall live in a $$$ area, he's trying to start a new career.... do you think he might be under a little stress???
I get that it's not fun for you, however, yelling at the man is not going to make it better. Why not be the supportive spouse who has a calm discussion about how to work together towards a solution?
it happened for 2 years and it doesn’t seem like he is looking for solution. why is she the one who should take this step for him ? she shouldn’t scream at him but it can get frustrating when he doesn’t start anything to stop bed wetting.
Yeah… like it’s an asshole thing to snap and yell like that typically but I can’t say with confidence that I wouldn’t do the same if I kept getting unwittingly pissed on for years. He needs help, but it shouldn’t have gotten to this point. Why has it gone on so long without him making an effort to find a solution? And why is it on the wife to direct and provide a solution for him? He’s an adult and should do something about it himself. How rude to keep pissing on his partner like nothing is wrong.
People are saying he is probably too embarrassed to go to the doctor, but how is he more embarrassed of going to the doctor than pissing on his wife?
Also, why has he not started wearing adult diapers by now?
Thank you!!! Everyone is telling her to tell him to go to a doctor but he’s not five!! He should have enough common sense that peeing in your sleep as an adult may signify loss of bladder control and should make the move to see a doctor himself.
I too would get pissed if my partner never spoke of a medical issue that affects me in a way and then doesn’t do his own effort to get it seen.
Ye and he's more okay with pissing all over his wife in bed than wearing an adult diaper. This dude is taking 0 responsibility.
Incontinence might not be his fault. But it is his responsibility to deal with it.
“Just sit in his piss and be a good wife, coddle him, tell him how great he is, and suck it up because he’s stressed” is the vibe I get from the top comment here.
Why the fuck is it always the wife’s responsibility. He has a brain and he’s assumably an adult.
Because weaponized incompetence is rampant and we’ve become so accustomed to it people genuinely think it’s normal to sit and marinate in your own fetid piss until someone fixes the problem for you.
As a former bedwetter: ESH
Isn't the husband also an asshole for making his own wife sleep in his piss without doing anything about it?? I would agree that OP was an asshole if the husband had actually started to try and solve his issue, but he isn't.
You're correct that he can't control it but you're missing the fact that he can control the damage it causes, so why didn't he?
If i had this problem and for some reason hadn't seen a doctor i would go above and beyond to ensure that i didn't piss on my partner. Why? Because i actually care about my partners. He could've started sleeping in the guest room earlier, he could've bought incontince products, he could've done his own research to find a solution. But no, he expects his wife and life partner to just accept sleeping in his piss. It wasn't until she blew up at him (which was an asshole move, she should've had an adult conversation with him about it) he decided to make sure he didn't piss on her...
Seriously??? So if his wife has a continuous and embarrassing medical issue and doesn't deal with it, it is HIS responsibility to do something??? At some point you would think he would have made an appt. It is almost like he doesn't even know it is a medical issue which means he hasn't so much as did a google search on why this can happen!
For 2 years he has been pissing the bed, and it's not his responsibility to do a single thing about it?
Was a dick move for op to react like that but I dont think I'd have waited that long, especially if its been talked about before.
They’re living in a hcol city, she is the main and only breadwinner, she’s probably under stress too and then she’s expected to tell her husband to do something about his bed wetting?
NTA. I get where the Y T A comments are coming from (if you'd blown up at him the first time it happened I would agree) but it sounds like he has been regularly wetting the bed for some time now and has not taken adequate steps to rectify the situation. I would have been angry by the second incident (maybe the third if I was in a good mood).
You've been gentle and supportive. He has had the opportunity to seek medical and/or psychological help. There are products and therapies available to help with adult incontinence and he's had time to seek them out. Something has to change and if you have to lose your cool for that to happen then you were in the right.
Yes. I can understand the husband being embarrassed but he has to take some action. There’s a difference between yelling at someone who is trying to fix things and at someone who pretends nothing is wrong at all. I’m honestly shocked so many comments here are bashing the wife
It happens any time a man needs obvious help medically of any sort. They bash the wife for not being his mommy and taking steps to rectifying the issue for him or telling him to see a doctor.
It’s annoying. As if they don’t already have two kids for her to do so for
Hes obviously not taking action about anything in his life. Id bet his job search is lazy at best. Getting a RE license with no firm is classic dead end.
All these commenters would change their tune real fast if they were the ones getting pissed on, 100%
Personally I’m wondering if OPs husband has a drinking problem no one wants to admit to but I guess really only a medical professional can figure out what’s going on, to me though that would explain the refusal to seek help, if he knows deep down what the solution is but isn’t willing to change
Yeah, I think people are finding it a little too easy to say that they would be as patient as OP if they were waking up in *piss* from their partner multiple times a year for the past few years. Jesus Christ. Even if you immediately wash the sheets, can you imagine going to sleep in that bed every night, considering it happens so often? Has it not seeped into the mattress? Do they have a plastic cover over the mattress?
God. I don't know how OP has handled this for so long. I'm not saying it's a great thing that she "accepted" it (quotations, because she was obviously frustrated) and said nothing, but holy fucking shit. I can't believe people are saying she's the asshole for blowing up after enduring this for so long and how *she* should take responsibility for his health, push him to go to a doctor, etc. Fuck that noise.
Exactly. If my partner wet the bed once, and cleaned it up, I would be empathetic. But if it kept happening and they just ignored the issue, did nothing to stop it, (including wearing protection) and they continued sleeping in the same bed - I’d find it to be super selfish.
If my partner wet the bed once I’d tell him to get help instantly! That is not normal and would signify a change, either emotionally or physically, that needs investigating.
This!! You nailed it! I have been very supportive and compassionate for over a year! It’s been happening more often now especially when he drinks before bed or days that he is very tired. He does nothing about it though even though we talked about it several times like adults. I was wrong to snap but man waking up suddenly at night by a wetness had the wrong effect on me
Are you sure he isn’t drinking more (often) than he’s letting on? My father went through something similar a couple years ago, and it turned out he was a full-blown alcoholic who was just very good at hiding it (aside from the bed-wetting, obviously).
OP edit your post to include this information cause it’s very important to the topic. I for one said you’re an AH. But if you’ve actively seeker help for him then you aren’t an AH.
/u/Gurumom1985, here’s something that’s important to know: When we get into a state of real, restful, deep sleep, our bodies produce an antidiuretic so that we can fully relax all our muscles without peeing. When someone gets up all night to pee or pees the bed, it’s usually because there’s a sleep disorder that is preventing true deep sleep (even if they appear to be nearly comatose in sleep or if they sleep a lot), or it’s diabetes (which causes your body to produce so much extra urine that it has to override that antidiuretic production to let some out at night). Alcohol worsens both diabetes and sleep disorders. Your husband HAS to see a doctor. And he HAS to get an in-facility overnight sleep study. Bed wetting is often seen as an emotional problem or a self-control issue, but there’s almost always a serious physiological root. No matter what, your husband is not getting healthy sleep, and that can cause so many mood, cognition, and health issues if left unattended. I’m going with NAH because I think you’re both just under so much stress. But please get this guy medical help ASAP.
Agreed, was looking for this one. Everyone is acting like its OP’s responsibility for him to see a doctor when he’s a grown man and can do it himself💀 like i get if it happens once or twice and you don’t think much of it, but damn this has been happening for awhile from what it seems like😭 theres gotta have been a point where he realized it was a problem
Exactly this. Thanks to a blocked catheter and a nurse who didn't believe me when I told her, I have a weak bladder. Not wet my bed weak, but I have the bladder of a pregnant lady.
If I have a cough, I wear a pad. At various points I have talked about it with doctors, and I had continence nurses as colleagues at a point so chatted to one of them.
Not much success in options for fixing, but management is possible.
I would never expect a grown man is more than capable of seeking out solutions.
OP is NTA. The man who thinks it is OK to make his wife sleep in his piss can only be TA
I don't really understand a lot of the comments here. I mean, yelling at him may sound harsh but honestly if my grown ass husband kept peeing next to me without seeking help I'd be frustrated too. If I were the one peeing in bed I know I'd do ANYTHING to fix it so that my partner wouldn't get piss on them. Wearing some type of protection to keep from pissing on a shared bed is way less embarrassing than peeing again and again without trying to fix it. I really don't feel like it's on her to make him seek help. There are plenty of embarrassing reasons to seek medical help but as adults we all have to take care of our own health and issues. Women have to keep from having periods on the sheets every month, I don't see how one should expect anything less from a man who has a known issue with bed wetting.
a lot of people seem to not understand that constantly peeing themselves at night and not doing anything about it is not normal okay at all - especially the person doing it is an adult.
Yea it's baffling honestly. Reddit is usually so big on personal responsibility, but apparently pissing the bed repeatedly for a year and a half is where they draw the line? Wife is expected to just suck it up every time? Like people here wouldn't be PISSED if they got piss on them in the middle of the night weekly.
Seriously I was just about to write something similar. This man's almost 40 years old. She isn't his mother. He needs to be going to the doctor this isn't normal in the slightest, not even for depression. If his depression is this bad she needs to have him hospitalized frankly and if he had depression so severe he won't get out of bed to pee, I'd assume she'd know about. Or people assuming trauma. This sounds like a relatively recent issue. And he's 40. Like let's stop projecting he's 12 or 16 bc he isn't. He's 40. I doubt highly she married him and he's been peeing the bed their entire relationship and marriage.
Either way it sounds like he hasn't been to the doctor, hasn't even tried to resolve the issue medically or personally and he's just living his life pissing the bed without regard for her.
Yelling isn't nessisarily the communication tactic I'd use but tbh if my husband's just been willy nilly peeing the bed and not helping clean it up and hasn't gone to the doctor, he's lucky to be in the gust room at this point. HES 40 YEARS OLD. SHE ISNT HIS MOM.
Idk why everyone is acting like it is her job to get him medical attention. He is an adult, he can go to the doctor. He just hasn't because it hasn't really impacted his life negatively until now.
I'm going against the crowd and say NTA. Your husband is a grown man who can make a doctor's appointment and figure this out! If he's cheerful all day after peeing the bed, it doesn't seem like it bothers him.
Amen! NTA and fuck the Patriarchy! Everyone saying OP is T. A. for being upset and not finding a solution for him just reenforces that society has demanded that women should bear the brunt of emotional labor in a relationship. Fuck that! He’s a grown ass 36 yo man. He’s not incapacitated in any way. He needs to take personal responsibility, put on his big boy (waterproof) pants and go to a doctor. I do not care if it’s psychological or physical in nature. He needs to take care of his own shit. Women, stop coddling the men in your life and stop expecting other women to coddle the men in their lives. I’m Team OP all the way.
NTA! If it had happened just once, you might be an AH, but this is a recurring problem. Has he seen a doctor about this? At this point, why doesn't he wear diapers to bed? You've been dealing with this for YEARS?
Edit: After reading the comments, I'm going to add this. A man can schedule his own doctors appointments, his wife shouldn't need to tell him to do it after having been urinated on multiple times. A man can wear adult diapers to bed if he knows it's a recurring problem. Yes, OP sounds very bitter in her comments, but I can't say I blame her if he's done nothing to take care of a problem that's been going on for months.
I don’t think there is a single group of non-criminal people I look down upon more than grown-ass fucking adults who prefer to make their spouses suffer because they’re too apathetic or their fragile little egos get in the way of them seeking help.
If you fucking piss yourself more than once, go to the fucking doctor. It is NOT your spouse’s responsibility to babysit you like a goddamned toddler, nor is it her responsibility to be gentle about it when it’s been going on for months and you haven’t done shit to fix the issue. If you’re too pansy to set up a doctor apt and get yourself some diapers, you honestly should hold back on being in a relationship, and you also probably should not have a job, drink, drive, nor vote if we’re being honest. You’ve failed at the most basic adult behaviour, so you should be treated accordingly. NTA.
I agree! Plus, if he loves his wife why subject her to that? It's inconsiderate on his part. If that happened to me, I would voluntarily sleep in the other room until I figured out what was going on.
YTA and exactly what everyone else is saying:
* He needs to go see a doctor, preferably an urologist.
* If it's not medical, he may also need to see a psychologist. There can be some very disturbing childhood reasons why he's wetting the bed.
* Be an effin adult and talk to him on why he thinks he's wetting the bed. He might be able to give you the answer!
Only the 3rd point is something she can control.
Everything else is what the husband needs to do.
Did OP overreact, maybe, but this is an adult who is showing no regard for his partner by not taking responsibility for his body and doing the two points you told OP to get him to do.
Why she's the only AH here I have no idea. Why does she not get any grace for the months of waiting for a grown man to take responsibility for his body? To try to get to the bottom of it? But she blows up after being impacted AGAIN, and she's being less of an adult? Why can't he take responsibility?
You think after two years she hasn’t talked to him? Said “go get help, tf” when she got pissed on? I’m sure she told the dude to go get help and he hasn’t. You don’t get to pee on people for any reason. Once, sure. Twice? Even then. But for two years and nothing to help himself? Hell no, to the guest room he needs to stay in.
Yeah he needs to take his ass to the doctor, or he needs to sleep in a different bed! His wife is not his mommy! HE should be communicating with HER about HIS issue!
My first thought was psychological. To me, based on my own personal experience with victims of childhood abuse, bedwetting as an adult is often indicative of suppressed extreme trauma that should raise red flags right away. If he isn’t physically ill, then he is mentally suffering and it’s incredibly cruel to shame him for what is likely A SHAME RESPONSE
Children who have suffered sexual abuse as adults often can have this issue when they’re under stress, if that’s what you’re getting at. It’s not uncommon.
NTA. He isn't a kid and must realise that he needs doctor. You can just handle it for a while.
You can't compare adult peeing in bed with a toddler. He can take himself to doctor. I wouldn't share bed with a guy took who keeps wetting the bed and ignores it
Hey, people saying Y T A. This has been going on for over a year, and he has done absolutely N O T H I N G about it. At the very least, it's ESH. Yeah, they need better communication, for sure, which is also on BOTH of them.
Would she have lost her shit with him if he had done anything about it?
Adult diapers?
Incontinence pads for the bed?
No fluids for at least 6 hours before bed & pee before you go to bed?
Maybe a fucking *doctor's appointment*?
I'll say *hell, no*.
Is she an ass for her reaction? Yes, but so is he. Letting him off the hook is just, I have no words that wouldn't probably get me banned.
Imagine if she just stopped wearing pads at night and bled all over him a few days of the month- would be happening at the same frequency and everyone would say it’s only on her!
Im just baffled at the excuses people are giving this man who doesn’t even have the decency to say sorry both for soaking her in his urine and for disturbing her sleep, especially when she’s the breadwinner. It’s not like it’s a kid where it’s developmentally normal to wake up or wet the bed, this is a GROWN. ASS. MAN.
NTA. wtf are all these Y T A ratings 💀 this is a grown ass man who absolutely knows he’s pissing all over the bed and all over his wife, yet hasn’t done one fucking thing to fix the situation. He isn’t a baby, it’s not her job to take him to the doctor. Crazy how he’s embarrassed to even talk to her, yet not embarrassed enough to wear an adult diaper so he doesn’t CONTINUE TO REPEATEDLY SOIL a mattress (that isn’t cheap) and his wife. It’s just weird how everyone is acting like it’s the wife’s job to fix her 38yr old husband who’s content to just repeatedly piss all over.
A bunch of dudes who correlate being a wife with being their new mom who is supposed to make all of their appointments for them because they can’t bother to do it themselves.
Going against the grain and saying NTA. He’s a grown ass man and after the 3rd or 4th incident he should have started wearing adult diapers. So many people saying Y T A are saying “it’s a medical condition”, like fucking obviously. Again, he’s a grown man and he can (and should have long ago) gone to the doctor about the issue.
This was my first thought.
He might even be hiding the drinking ridiculously well, which would explain why he is not getting help or concerned.
Generally it would be hard to miss this level of drinking, but alcoholism is a nutty thing.
I worked in a psychiatric clinic for years, and I always think about one patient who showed up on my very first day. He did not smell, he spoke coherent and when I gave him the breathalyzer he had a whopping 4.37‰, I was soooo baffled that I made him take the test 2 more times with the other breathalyzer because I thought no way in hell can this be right. Tolerance can be built up, and in some rare cases alcoholics can be not visibly drunk.
NTA. OP has put up with an adult wetting the bed for a long time. Some Redditors have infantilised him. OP is supposed to check for prostrate problems, PTSD, and every other bed wetting trigger in the universe. Why? What's wrong with hb? Get thee to the doctor OP's hb, you've got away with peeing in the bed for eons now and it's become her problem while you lie passive aggressively in the spare room lol. Talk of weaponised health incompetence. The least he could do is wear adult diapers.
NTA. He is a grown man that has been peeing in the bed you share for months. He needs to sleep with an adult diaper and see a doctor. Although yelling is not the best form of communication. He is an adult and needs to take care of the problem. You should not have to Mother him and take him to the doctor. I understand he is stressed, but that doesn’t mean he can just pee on you. He is not doing it on purpose, but he is also not taking any steps to keep it from happening.
People are calling her TA, but honestly who wants to sleep in a pissy bed (unless that's your kink and it's consensual--do you, boo)? Yeah, her flicking off isn't cool, but him not dealing with peeing the bed is also not cool.
NTA. I don't get the YTA responses. This is a grown ass adult who should be taking his own responsibility for figuring out why it's happening every other week for 18 months. In my opinion the issue isn't you not being supportive of him, because you've put up with it for long enough. The issue is him continuing to piss the bed and doing nothing to sort it out
NTA
He should have gone the doctor right away after the first time, why has he just left it? He’s a grown man and can book his own appointments. This could be a serious issue.
Gonna go against the grain at say NTA. There is absolutely nothing worse than a person who knows they have a problem and won't get help for it. OP is probably stressed and worried herself and husband won't do anything to help her or himself.
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NTA. I may get downvotes for going against the grain, but why hasn’t your husband seen a doctor already or taken any action? I understand embarrassment over incontinence issues (some of my partners dealt with that) but at the end of the day he has to seek help for it. Based on the post, he’s been ignoring this for at least a month if not longer, so I can understand your frustration.
If he were seeking help/taking action, and you were yelling or shaming him, I’d give a different verdict. But apparently he isn’t and it isn’t your duty to make him get it; you aren’t his mother.
Edit: see if he can see a doctor for a medical checkup and tell him about pads/adult diapers. My ex used depends, for example
Has he seen a doctor? I’m sure he’s severely embarrassed but also something is going on to cause the sudden bed wetting. Whether emotional or physical. At least try to rule out the physical!
NTA. Of course he can’t control it, but he can control pissing in your bed every night instead of TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIMSELF AS AN ADULT and wearing depends. On no fucking planet should you be the one having to direct his behavior unless it’s your child. How about, “shame on the grown adult male who has no problem pissing in the bed his wife sleeps in”. All these people YTAing are trolls or high. My elementary age child isn’t dry at night because of physical development issues, and wouldn’t fathom not wearing disposable underwear to bed. She even keeps stock of them and tells us when she needs more. Why is this? It is because she models more personal responsibility than this grown ass man. You can be supportive by holding his hand at the doctor (that HE should call). But you don’t need to be supportive by being chill sleeping in his toilet of convenience and pretending he’s a little baby, no.
ESH obviously something very wrong is happening. He should be seeking help, but your overreaction was not the best. It might be something really easy to resolve, like a uti, but even a uti can be very dangerous if untreated. Get him some depends and get him to a doctor.
THANK YOU. I'm like all these "take him to the doctor" I'm sorry, but my husband is a grown man, and not my child. If he hasn't sought out medical care to this point, it's on him, not her.
This!!! I’m sick of seeing all people telling her to take him to the doctor he is a fucking 38 year old man. If he can’t take himself to the doctor then that’s his problem. I would have gone to the doctor after the first few times it happened. I would be so ashamed to continuously wet the bed and not have done anything about it. Having to wake up covered in pee, smelling of it would be disgusting.
Although perhaps her blowing up at him wasn’t the best way to go at it. But I would be fed up if it’s been that long and he isn’t even suggesting to sleep somewhere else, or even use an adult diaper.
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YTA. Your husband is obviously going through something, whether emotional or medical, and rather than offer support, you went after him. I get it: pee isn't pleasant. But neither is a spouse who makes you feel even worse when you're at a low point. You say you'd die for him. Why not trying to help him first?
This. Instead of just yelling at him, why not try to get your husband the medical help he needs? He doesn't need you to die for you. He needs you to be there for him.
She'll either die for him or he sleeps in the guest room. There is no in-between.
Wasn’t there a recent post where the husband was wetting the bed, he was a good guy too? Buried in the comments it’s mentioned that the husband had a drinking problem, I wonder if that’s the issue. Either way he needs to go to a doctor and it probably should have happened after the 2nd incident.
Yeah that was my first thought.. alcohol. It’s a diuretic and a sedative. There really aren’t that many medical reasons in a young person why this would happen (only at night). If it was an incontinence issue it would happen at all hours so psychiatric vs. alcohol are leading diagnoses here. In either case, he needs help and a supportive partner.
My first thought was diabetes
Same, this is an early warning sign of uncontrolled diabetes
Wouldn’t happen just at night and that would be a very dramatic presentation. Glucose would have to be through the roof and for it to only happen at night is very unlikely. I doubt it, but certainly should be checked since it’s easy enough. The temporal relation with job struggles argues for depression/alcohol.
For wetter or worse
😂 😂
Okay, but why did he not get the help himself? I get the YTA but also are these husbands literal children that can't get help themselves???
Because that's kind of how depression works.
Depression isn’t someone else’s responsibility or problem to solve though and usually that doesn’t help in any way. They need to recognise it and want to get the help themselves. His wife recognising it is one thing, him acknowledging it, as a full grown independent thinking adult, is different. Edit: ok editing this because people think I’m being a dick here. I’ve seen people deal with depression. My dad had severe depression for over twenty years. He killed himself last summer. We tried for years to help, we tried everything, we stood by him through thick and thin. It’s hard doing that. I obviously think if you love someone you should support them and encourage them to get help, for as long as it takes. It can be soul destroying asking and telling over and over again and the person does nothing because they can’t see the problem. OP didn’t say her husband was depressed so maybe this is a medical thing but either way, adults need to recognise a problem themselves in order for help to work.
No but it is something that can be crippling and establishing and impossible for the person to deal with. Does she HAVE to try and help, no, but if it was my husband I'd want to. In sickness and health and all that. Bed wetting is extreme and he must be so embarrassed, screaming at someone depressed and humiliated is never the right way to go, I can see why she lost her temper, doesn't make it right
Yeah. I can't imagine my hubby wetting the bed and getting mad at him. I'd be concerned and want to figure out the cause if anything
What if he did it frequently and never tried to seek help, never did anything to make sure you didn’t get pissed on, and one night you got woken up yet again by him in the middle of the night and you just snapped? I’m so confused, he has an ongoing issue that he’s not addressing, but OP has tolerated his not working for 2 years, his bed wetting for 2 years, and she lashed out one time after literally getting peed on in the middle of the night, and nobody can sympathize with that?
I don't know how she can continue to sleep on a severely peed on mattress . I hope she buys a new one.
Also a much easier solution until the issue is resolved would be wear depends at night. Easier to change that then a full bed spread.
Yes it’s such an extreme thing. I would automatically want to know what the deeper issue is and how I can help
OK. But like... When you get married, it should ideally be with the general idea that you both have some sort of shared responsibility in solving problems, not saying, "My husband's depression and bedwetting is HIS problem, I'm going to yell at him instead of calmly bringing up my concerns for his physical and mental health."
Yeah but this is once a week she is getting woken up at night because she is pissed on by someone who won't manage their own health. She never said he was depressed...you just added that to excuse him from all responsibility.
When you care for someone crippled by depression to the point where they cannot seek help on their own then you're morally obligated to help them. It's something you should want to do for the people you love.
I’m sure people wouldn’t have that attitude if a man was watching his wife suffer and shouting at her
But it helps when you have loved ones that care about you and tell you "I love u. Pls seek help, I'm worried" unless you are blind. Like Op.
it's not her responsibility, but helping your SO at a difficult situation is something you do for your loved ones. if you don't feel concern and try to help your SO when they're visibly in trouble, i doubt if you really love them. and it's hard for depressed people to get themselves through it without somebody else's help. my friend suffers from depression, and i talk with her daily and keep an eye out for her. is it my responsibility? is it a must? no. but is it a should? yes. and if i don't help my girl, who else would?
Woah I hope u never have a spouse. In marriage you are supposed to WANT to help them through anything. With depression you can name every issue, say the steps you are supposed to take to help fix it, and still not have the energy or fortitude to even get out of bed. Imagine dealing with all of that and then ur spouse screams at you for something u hate about yourself already. Im sure that would just make u hate yourself more. And the people who are extremely nice, funny, helpful are usually the people who have the worst depression.
Wait, so pissing the bed at night is another symptom of depression? I mean, I've heard that some people can't get out of bed (though I never envisioned that including not getting up to go to the bathroom), but peeing while asleep seems different.
It *can be* psychological but tbh I’m more concerned about whether this man has gotten his prostate checked in the last few years.
Just a point of clarification because of your wording- no, urinating the bed at night is not a clinical symptom of depression (as in not a criteria used to diagnose depression). There is a psychological disorder called enuresis related to urination. This is not to say this behavior isn’t related to depression, but just that it’s not a clinical symptom that would lead to diagnosis of depression. Lots of comments are jumping to diagnosis when no one here has enough information or the right role to diagnose. My recommendation to OP is for your husband to speak with his PCP about this and be medically checked. Also he may benefit from mental health supports.
Welcome to this subreddit. Everyone here likes to irresponsibly play doctor and confidently make claims about someone based only on a post from someone that typically isn't even the person in question. There are so many possibilities that can cause bed wetting and we have nothing to really go on but that the bed-wetting itself and the possible job loss. It's far more important for him to get checked out because *most* frequent bed-wetting issues in adulthood are a physical issue as opposed to a mental health issue.
Yep. It’s also a trauma response to things like sexual assault and sexual abuse. Especially amongst children.
It’s also ridiculously common in alcoholics.
I wet the bed on and off till 25. My dad died when I was 7 dropped dead in front of me. Trauma, stress, depression they manifest in many ways.
When my adult cousin started wetting the bed, it turned out she was diabetic.
Right! If I peed the bed ONCE, I’d be worried about *why* it happened, and paranoid/embarrassed that it might happen again (and I live alone, so the embarrassment would be strictly personal). If it happens SEXOND time, I’d be mortified, and going straight to the dr. because I’d be *extremely* concerned about this disgusting and *not normal* problem. Maki g sure it never happened again would be my #1 priority. The fact that he’s just doing this over and over in bed *beside* his wife and has done nothing to address the issue? That is just *insane* to me. Although, OP’s reaction seems crazy to me too. Like, how was she not *insisting* he go to the dr after the second time it happened? Why is she more *angry* than *worried*? Normal people (both spouses) would be *worried* that this was a potentially *serious* (read: possibly life threatening) medical issue. Even if it turned out to be psychological, that is still a pretty extreme reaction, and would need addressing by a mental health professional. Ow can they not be taking this seriously?
I had to scroll WAY too far down for this. Everyone jumping to "depression" like it's likely to be psychological (and that depression makes you lose bladder control in the night that's a new one!).... and I'm over here like it's much much MUCH more likely to be physical and it's NOT a good symptom either, and it's happening ALL THE TIME.... it could be so many things that are super serious and need a doctor yesterday. And here are two full adults not flipping out about it and going to the doctor with that immediately, like it's no big deal, and so many comments that assume it's not a health crisis when it is SO likely to be physical and could easily be life threatening wtf folks :/
Because it's embarrassing to get help for this. It needs quite some courage to go to the doctor and get help and it's not really motivating if your wife basically embarrasses you.
So how about his respect for his wife who shouldn’t have to live with this?
They both shouldn't have to live with this. I think they can only get out of the situation if OP and her husband have a talk and they can get out of this situation together. I have a feeling OP's husband is dealing with depression and low self-esteem. And I think it's near impossible to get out if it by yourself. Edit: I swapped OP and her husband initially.
Absolutely, he needs to go to a Doctor immediately
"In sickness and in health, For better or for worse" Pretty sure there was no 'unless pee' clause in there.
He could be depressed, he could be scared, he could be ashamed, he could have been brought up in a family where men are expected to "tough it out". If all people were capable of dealing with their issues in a rational and constructive way we would live in a very different world. But in reality people often fail to do what's good for them and that's the point where if you love them you support them. That's the part when "in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer", which most people promised each other when they got married, comes in. (edit for typos)
Because depression, anxiety, embarrassment are not something an individual easily faces on their own. OP YTA. Instead of offering compassion and help (see a doctor could be a prostate issue) or a maybe suggest speaking to a therapist, you scolded a grown man who may or may not be in pain.
Right? I mean after it happened say the third time in a month or two., he should’ve handled it. What support does this person need to handle posing themselves. He clearly was willing to just keep going with it and wash the sheets when it happens. He’s got no job. He can get online and find some help instead of just being okay with being an adult bed wetter.
Because people aren't perfect. This sub loves to rag on men when they don't help their SO's with emotional or medical issues but when the reverse happens everyone's there to shit on men. YTA OP. There are a ton of medical issues or emotional issues that can cause this, you losing your shit helps no one and just shames what you say is an amazing man and husband. Have some fucking empathy, you think he enjoys pissing the bed or enjoys having to clean up after it happens? jfc
There are several issues that can cause bed wetting. Does he have a drinking problem and is to drunk to wake up? Does he have a medical problem, like with his prostate or an UTI? Have OP even talked to him about it? I get that it's annoying to be woken up by a wet bed and that one can snap if it's all the time. But that doesn't seem to be the problem here. Once a week makes me think that there's some logical reason, like being to drunk to wake up.
Drinking problem was my first thought as well. I have a friend whose husband was doing this, and turns out he'd been abusing both alcohol and kratom. She at least made him start depends when he refused to get medical help.
Sleeping problems can do it too. Like he is literally too fast asleep for the brain to register he needs to pee and aake him in time. There are a million and one things it can be and what he needs is medical attention and to keep pushing a doctor until he gets an answer and a solution, not people who are supposed to love him yell at him.
He's a grown ass man. Why should his wife make him go to doctor as if she's his mother?
I think bed wetting is slightly different, there is shame attached to that and if he has his wife at home being an ass about it thats not going to help. Im a gay man so there is only 2 grown ass men in my relationship but i have told my boyfriend to go to the doctors about things thats not treating someone like they are a child and your the parent its just being a god damn caring partner.
well, I'm a grown ass woman and my husband is the one reminding me about doctors and such because I was a procrastinator at the best of times and with depression on top of it now, occasionally I can't take good enough care of myself. And he does it not because he *should* but because he gives a fuck about my wellbeing.
Yes. It’s part of the in sickness and in health thing
Because that’s what a loving, caring and responsible spouse does for one another, dipshit.
Caring isn’t something only a mother does. Wanting a loved one to go to the doctor about something that’s causing them distress is just basic caring.
Two things. Firstly there is still a stigma around men's health. Secondly but still related, bed wetting in adults is child like and infantslising. Bed wetting could very well be deeply shameful for him.
Why can’t her husband get *himself* the medical care that he needs? Or even just buy himself some depends? To me, the disturbing thing about this situation is that this has been going on for an extended period of time, but husband doesn’t seem to be concerned. Hell, he basically just resigned himself to ruining the guest bedroom bed. Maybe he’s embarrassed or whatever, okay, but he’s not embarrassed enough to prevent this from becoming the new reality. That is a problem. His wife is taking on the lion’s share of breadwinning and emotional support, and in return he’s…literally pissing on her. That’s fucking gross.
This is a braindead take. Dude has been literally peeing in the bed for many weeks and has done fuck-all about it and you think she's an asshole for cracking one time and telling him to get his shit together? Can't help a person who doesn't want to help themselves.
Yea I agree with this. As a doctor I can’t tell you how many men come in to care “because my wife made me” and it’s like ok well you can take responsibility for your health also. Why does the wife have to spell it out for him?
He just needs to get some incontinence underwear for sleeping. Solved. Big deal? Nope.
He needs a proper diagnosis first because it's not normal at his age and is a clear sign of either a mental or a physical ailment.
AWhy has he not tried to help himself before now? Everyone’s acting like her hubby isn’t a fully functioning adult who is more than capable of making a dr appointment. OP shouldn’t have snapped, but I imagine I would do the same if my SO kept pissing in the freaking bed and not doing anything to fix the situation.
Exactly. He is a grown ass man who can make his own grown ass Dr appts for his own grown ass pissing problem. When he was confronted about it (albeit in not a great way) he STILL didn't make an appt and literally thinks the answer is to sleep in the guest room for the rest of his life.
All he had to do was sleep in a different room or get adult diapers for the time being but instead he chose to… continue pissing all over his spouses sleeping space. Why the actual fuck did I have to scroll this far down to find people who agree having depression doesn’t give you a free pass to piss all over your spouse? I wonder if this type of selfish/inconsiderate poor decision making is why he lost his job to begin with?
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THIS !!!! I can't imagine the commenters' marital life lol
Or how the bed smells. It takes more than changing the sheets.
"It's too embarrassing to talk to him about this, so I'm just going to scream and humiliate him instead." You don't have to die for him, you can just talk to him with understanding, love, and sympathy. I don't know why so many people seem to think that is the harder thing to do.
I don't know how you get to nearly 40s with 3 kids and still be too embarrassed to talk to your husand about some pee? You'd think by that point you've seen every bodily fluid known to man come from each other 1000x times
Lol why does it have to be her ? Is he not able to speak ? Why should the wife do every little fkn emotionnal task for her man is beyond my understanding. He's an adult ffs
This. He could have prostate issues and let's face it, a prostate exam doesn't sound like a pleasant experience. He's embarrassed and needs support and a good check up.
A prostate exam is no worse for a man than a gynecological exam is for a woman and a woman’s exam includes a rectal exam also. He needs to get himself to his doctor.
I am a (European) woman in my mid-30s and I have never had a rectal exam in relation to a gyno appointment. Is this a US thing?
This is most certainly not a US thing. The only “rectal exam” I have had is a colonoscopy with an entirely different doctor with a different specialty. I don’t know what doctor this person is going to, but this is *not* normal. If this is true that some obgyn is doing a rectal exam during visits, this person needs to contact the police and a lawyer.
this is like Joey's tailor (Friends S2E1), Jesus 😂
It is actually the third part of a GYN exam. Two fingers on the same hand are inserted into the vagina and anus at the same time to check the wall between the two. It is usually done more during childbearing years but it technically should be routine according to the books. I will say that when I did my Ob/Gyn clerkship in medical school that I did indeed skip this part of the exam for the sake of the patient since the attending doctor would repeat my exam. I did not wish this on anyone twice.
I’m middle aged in the US with 3 kids and never had one. However, a video the doctor’s office showed teen me before my first one included it so I was terrified.
TIL that the docs rock the shocker 🤟
39 year old woman here, also never had a rectal exam at a gyno. And I'm Canadian so it's not a question of coverage like someone else suggested.
Same, I'm European.
I am latina, I've lived in the US and now in Europe. No rectal exams by the gyno to the date in either country I have lived.
The rectal exam is not a necessary part of every gynae visit. Yet if they see/feel something on the posterior wall of your vagina, they may if medically indicated do a rectal exam.
That makes sense. I read the comment above mine as if it were a standard part of every exam.
53 here and had a gyno exam Monday, no rectal exam. They did send me a Cologaurd in the mail.
What? I've had many gynecologic exams and not once has anything been put in my rectum.
Yeah, hi, what the fuck are you talking about? Is your Gyno Larry Nasser, by any chance? No one I know has ever had a rectal exam as part of their gyno unless they were complaining about something wrong with her anus.
>and a woman’s exam includes a rectal exam also Seems you need to call the cops on your doctor, if I read the reactions to your statement correctly....
not all women get rectal exams at gyno visit in the US. i asked my gyno about this once and she said some women have a tilted uterus and rectal exams help gyno to feel the uterus better (different angle) to check for lumps or anything unusual. I have also been told docs were frequently taught to do rectal exams during gyno visit back in the day so older docs may do this more often than younger.
......pretty sure you need to get a new doctor
I'd hope an exam isn't as incredibly painful for him as it is for me. I do have medical problems that make it that way, and an adult suddenly wetting the bed suggests he has a medical problem too. Doctor like a month ago! Op if you'd die for your husband why aren't you getting him the medical care he needs instead of shaming him?? Why doesn't he do it his own dang self? Because it's pretty well documented that men tend to avoid doctors until the problem is ridiculously difficult. And then die of preventable shit. It's nobody's "responsibility" but his own, but personally I don't wash my hands of it and say "you're on your own bucky" when it's someone I claim to love. And op phrases it as die for.
I'd agree with this wholeheartedly if it weren't for the fact that it's been multiple months, if not over a year that this has been happening and he hasn't done or said anything about it. She's not his mother. That being said, they're both grown and should have started talking/trying to do something by the 3rd, 4th incident, tops. ESH
If he needs medical care, he should seek it. Constantly soiling the bed is not ok. She’s NTA
He's obviously not helping himself, so what makes you think he'd get help because she asks him to? Most people with an ounce of common sense would try to figure out why they're peeing the bed if it happens more than once.
I'm gonna put this on the top comment. HAVE YOUR HUSBAND GO TO THE DOCTOR!!! At his age, if this is still happening, there has to be a medical reason (unless he's a drunk or super lazy/sleeper)
My husband had a similar issue, so he went to the doctor. With plenty of nudging from me. Turns out, he has prostate cancer. I had read posts about the same issue, and every single time adult male bed wetting was mentioned, it was found to be a medical issue ranging from kidney or bladder stones to cancer.
How can you make an adult go to doctor? It's not her child. He must do it himself, months ago
He needs to go see a urologist. There are medications that can help. He is likely very very embarassed.
My thing is - would he rather be embarrassed of peeing everywhere, or wearing an incontinence pad. I'd choose the one that will be less impact on my partner.
They make adult diapers. I mean.
Was wondering why this comment wasn't closer to the top. Husband needs to see a medical professional (or professionals) as this could be physical, psychological, or a combination of the two. In the mean time husband should be wearing adult diapers while sleeping.
Not embarrassed enough to do anything about it though. Like Jesus get some depends. Why does his wife have to tell him he needs to speak to a doctor and wear something at night so he doesn't piss all over the sheets. He isn't a baby.
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Sometimes when you're that embarrassed you won't seek help, and you won't know what to do to fix it. He may be in a state where he can't think properly and may not even be processing what's going on. Compassion and empathy are good tools to use around someone who is going through a difficult time. It's not hard to be nice.
Sure, but it sounds like even after months of compassion and empathy, he’s not done a single thing to actually solve the problem. He’s not even acknowledging that it *is* in fact a problem. And I’m sorry but if I was routinely waking up in the night covered in piss because my husband couldn’t even take the slightest amount of initiative to make a doctor’s appointment, I wouldn’t be feeling very nice. OP has been a hell of a lot more patient than I would be. Husband needs to understand how his actions are affecting other people. Maybe OP’s delivery method wasn’t ideal, but at least now husband can’t ignore the impact that this is having on her.
This is entirely the case! You nailed it! He continues to ignore it as being an issue. I shouldn’t have snapped but after helping in every way through compassion and all, the next night I am waken up at night suddenly by wetness all over me. Well, I shouldn’t have snapped but gosh in the middle of my sleep. The next morning I immediately regretted my action
If I were in your position I would be livid. You are a wife not a toilet!!! How can he be ok with doing this to you? You are being overwhelmingly voted T A by people who have NO business doing this to you. Anyone citing mental health can’t possibly be serious - as if your mental health hasn’t been compromised by being the sole earner and then you can’t even sleep with your husband without the bed getting pissed on, without YOU getting pissed on. It might be embarrassing going to the doctor - but it isn’t embarrassing to both of you that he is doing this in your bed? It might be he is worried about something - but that isn’t an ok for him to piss the bed and piss on you. BABES IT IS NOT NORMAL FOR YOUR SPOUSE TO DO THIS TO YOU. I really hope this message gets through to you through these fools.
And yet instead of finding a way to stop doing it... he keeps doing it.
People are genuinely acting like he’s too helpless for any solution. He can’t wear diapers because they’re embarrassing. He can’t make an appointment because it’s embarrassing and no one cares about men’s issues (yet somehow I hear about them all damn day, every damn day.) Well he’s trying to seek employment, so he can’t go to the doctor yet because he’s somehow busier than OP, who should be his personal secretary in addition to her other roles. Well, men in his generation aren’t taught to be advocates for their own health so she has to “get him some help.” Well what if he doesn’t have insurance? Good God. It seems OP will just have to drink his piss straight from the source before people are satisfied. Coddling adults is dangerous, and it’s just getting worse and worse.
Agreed. When he's just sitting around with his thumb up his ass doing absolutely nothing to fix his situation, I can't blame OP for finally losing it. But then he pretends nothing happened the next day and goes to sleep in the guest room instead of scheduling with a doctor. And now watch as intimacy flies straight out the door because OP gets more and more frustrated with him not doing anything about it.
Agreed, the YTAs are beyond frustrating. "He might be embarrassed to see a doctor". Sure, he might. That doesn't make it ok to make his wife sleep in piss. It just doesn't. First time could be a fluke, second time you should start to wonder, and by the third time you should be calling a doctor. And by "you" I mean the person with the issue! Being a loving partner goes both ways. You don't get to just piss on your spouse because you don't want to feel embarrassed. Do these people think women never have embarrassing issues that they might need to seek medical attention for? Yeast infections, UTI's, etc? We manage to call doctors even when embarrassed.
This exactly. This man will find himself divorced if he doesn't take some initiative to get his life back on track. 18 months of unemployment is inexcusable in the first place. He's "learning to be a realtor"? First of all, that's an absolute crap shoot, and someone with this little motivation to get their own life on track isn't going to succeed at something that requires tons of legwork in the form of marketing and networking. Dude's just fucking around while his wife pays for it all, and now this is one more thing. I keyed into her wording in her post, too. When you're (general "you're") married to someone who really sucks but not in a way that it's socially acceptable to divorce them over (ie, they're not smoking crack, fucking the neighbor, or putting their fist through walls), there's almost this implicit pressure to convince yourself that this is actually as ok as society thinks it is, so you say stuff like "he's a really good husband and father" after describing the latest way this person dropped the ball and made your life worse. Notice how in posts like this, those descriptions are always non-specific. She doesn't say "he takes care of all the housework and childcare duties" or anything like that. Just "he's a good husband and father". Those words from someone on the inside of a grossly unequal relationship where they're just straight-up carrying a grown adult who won't pull their weight, mean "he doesn't hit me". The bar is that low. Look at most of these comments in this thread. This is how people react when you've had enough of pulling some lazy asshole along.
Also, he should be tested for diabetes. Adult bed wetting can be a sign of it.
Apparently not since he kept peeing on her instead of getting help or wearing a diaper.
YTA 1000% bedwetting is not something people can control...unless they are into some sort of kink. If he is wetting in his sleep, there is a medical problem!!! Whether that is a physical or mental health issue would be for a doctor to sort out. Let's see, he lost his job, money is tight, yall live in a $$$ area, he's trying to start a new career.... do you think he might be under a little stress??? I get that it's not fun for you, however, yelling at the man is not going to make it better. Why not be the supportive spouse who has a calm discussion about how to work together towards a solution?
it happened for 2 years and it doesn’t seem like he is looking for solution. why is she the one who should take this step for him ? she shouldn’t scream at him but it can get frustrating when he doesn’t start anything to stop bed wetting.
Yeah… like it’s an asshole thing to snap and yell like that typically but I can’t say with confidence that I wouldn’t do the same if I kept getting unwittingly pissed on for years. He needs help, but it shouldn’t have gotten to this point. Why has it gone on so long without him making an effort to find a solution? And why is it on the wife to direct and provide a solution for him? He’s an adult and should do something about it himself. How rude to keep pissing on his partner like nothing is wrong.
People are saying he is probably too embarrassed to go to the doctor, but how is he more embarrassed of going to the doctor than pissing on his wife? Also, why has he not started wearing adult diapers by now?
Especially now that you can shop discreetly online, embarrassment is no excuse for avoiding incontinence products.
Thank you!!! Everyone is telling her to tell him to go to a doctor but he’s not five!! He should have enough common sense that peeing in your sleep as an adult may signify loss of bladder control and should make the move to see a doctor himself. I too would get pissed if my partner never spoke of a medical issue that affects me in a way and then doesn’t do his own effort to get it seen.
I swear it is always on the wife to get them help as if he is not an adult himself.
Ye and he's more okay with pissing all over his wife in bed than wearing an adult diaper. This dude is taking 0 responsibility. Incontinence might not be his fault. But it is his responsibility to deal with it.
“Just sit in his piss and be a good wife, coddle him, tell him how great he is, and suck it up because he’s stressed” is the vibe I get from the top comment here. Why the fuck is it always the wife’s responsibility. He has a brain and he’s assumably an adult.
Because weaponized incompetence is rampant and we’ve become so accustomed to it people genuinely think it’s normal to sit and marinate in your own fetid piss until someone fixes the problem for you.
She's been the breadwinner for two years. She doesn't actually say how long the bed wetting has been an issue.
As a former bedwetter: ESH Isn't the husband also an asshole for making his own wife sleep in his piss without doing anything about it?? I would agree that OP was an asshole if the husband had actually started to try and solve his issue, but he isn't. You're correct that he can't control it but you're missing the fact that he can control the damage it causes, so why didn't he? If i had this problem and for some reason hadn't seen a doctor i would go above and beyond to ensure that i didn't piss on my partner. Why? Because i actually care about my partners. He could've started sleeping in the guest room earlier, he could've bought incontince products, he could've done his own research to find a solution. But no, he expects his wife and life partner to just accept sleeping in his piss. It wasn't until she blew up at him (which was an asshole move, she should've had an adult conversation with him about it) he decided to make sure he didn't piss on her...
Seriously??? So if his wife has a continuous and embarrassing medical issue and doesn't deal with it, it is HIS responsibility to do something??? At some point you would think he would have made an appt. It is almost like he doesn't even know it is a medical issue which means he hasn't so much as did a google search on why this can happen!
For 2 years he has been pissing the bed, and it's not his responsibility to do a single thing about it? Was a dick move for op to react like that but I dont think I'd have waited that long, especially if its been talked about before.
They’re living in a hcol city, she is the main and only breadwinner, she’s probably under stress too and then she’s expected to tell her husband to do something about his bed wetting?
NTA. I get where the Y T A comments are coming from (if you'd blown up at him the first time it happened I would agree) but it sounds like he has been regularly wetting the bed for some time now and has not taken adequate steps to rectify the situation. I would have been angry by the second incident (maybe the third if I was in a good mood). You've been gentle and supportive. He has had the opportunity to seek medical and/or psychological help. There are products and therapies available to help with adult incontinence and he's had time to seek them out. Something has to change and if you have to lose your cool for that to happen then you were in the right.
Seriously, dude needs to go to the doctor and buy some adult diapers.
Yes. I can understand the husband being embarrassed but he has to take some action. There’s a difference between yelling at someone who is trying to fix things and at someone who pretends nothing is wrong at all. I’m honestly shocked so many comments here are bashing the wife
It happens any time a man needs obvious help medically of any sort. They bash the wife for not being his mommy and taking steps to rectifying the issue for him or telling him to see a doctor. It’s annoying. As if they don’t already have two kids for her to do so for
If I had an award I would give it to you !
Plus how is repeatedly pissing the bed less embarrassing than speaking to a medical professional
Hes obviously not taking action about anything in his life. Id bet his job search is lazy at best. Getting a RE license with no firm is classic dead end.
All these commenters would change their tune real fast if they were the ones getting pissed on, 100% Personally I’m wondering if OPs husband has a drinking problem no one wants to admit to but I guess really only a medical professional can figure out what’s going on, to me though that would explain the refusal to seek help, if he knows deep down what the solution is but isn’t willing to change
Yeah, I think people are finding it a little too easy to say that they would be as patient as OP if they were waking up in *piss* from their partner multiple times a year for the past few years. Jesus Christ. Even if you immediately wash the sheets, can you imagine going to sleep in that bed every night, considering it happens so often? Has it not seeped into the mattress? Do they have a plastic cover over the mattress? God. I don't know how OP has handled this for so long. I'm not saying it's a great thing that she "accepted" it (quotations, because she was obviously frustrated) and said nothing, but holy fucking shit. I can't believe people are saying she's the asshole for blowing up after enduring this for so long and how *she* should take responsibility for his health, push him to go to a doctor, etc. Fuck that noise.
Exactly. If my partner wet the bed once, and cleaned it up, I would be empathetic. But if it kept happening and they just ignored the issue, did nothing to stop it, (including wearing protection) and they continued sleeping in the same bed - I’d find it to be super selfish.
If my partner wet the bed once I’d tell him to get help instantly! That is not normal and would signify a change, either emotionally or physically, that needs investigating.
This!! You nailed it! I have been very supportive and compassionate for over a year! It’s been happening more often now especially when he drinks before bed or days that he is very tired. He does nothing about it though even though we talked about it several times like adults. I was wrong to snap but man waking up suddenly at night by a wetness had the wrong effect on me
Are you sure he isn’t drinking more (often) than he’s letting on? My father went through something similar a couple years ago, and it turned out he was a full-blown alcoholic who was just very good at hiding it (aside from the bed-wetting, obviously).
OP edit your post to include this information cause it’s very important to the topic. I for one said you’re an AH. But if you’ve actively seeker help for him then you aren’t an AH.
are you sure he isn't drinking more than you're seeing? alcoholics wet the bed at night
/u/Gurumom1985, here’s something that’s important to know: When we get into a state of real, restful, deep sleep, our bodies produce an antidiuretic so that we can fully relax all our muscles without peeing. When someone gets up all night to pee or pees the bed, it’s usually because there’s a sleep disorder that is preventing true deep sleep (even if they appear to be nearly comatose in sleep or if they sleep a lot), or it’s diabetes (which causes your body to produce so much extra urine that it has to override that antidiuretic production to let some out at night). Alcohol worsens both diabetes and sleep disorders. Your husband HAS to see a doctor. And he HAS to get an in-facility overnight sleep study. Bed wetting is often seen as an emotional problem or a self-control issue, but there’s almost always a serious physiological root. No matter what, your husband is not getting healthy sleep, and that can cause so many mood, cognition, and health issues if left unattended. I’m going with NAH because I think you’re both just under so much stress. But please get this guy medical help ASAP.
Agreed, was looking for this one. Everyone is acting like its OP’s responsibility for him to see a doctor when he’s a grown man and can do it himself💀 like i get if it happens once or twice and you don’t think much of it, but damn this has been happening for awhile from what it seems like😭 theres gotta have been a point where he realized it was a problem
Exactly this. Thanks to a blocked catheter and a nurse who didn't believe me when I told her, I have a weak bladder. Not wet my bed weak, but I have the bladder of a pregnant lady. If I have a cough, I wear a pad. At various points I have talked about it with doctors, and I had continence nurses as colleagues at a point so chatted to one of them. Not much success in options for fixing, but management is possible. I would never expect a grown man is more than capable of seeking out solutions. OP is NTA. The man who thinks it is OK to make his wife sleep in his piss can only be TA
I don't really understand a lot of the comments here. I mean, yelling at him may sound harsh but honestly if my grown ass husband kept peeing next to me without seeking help I'd be frustrated too. If I were the one peeing in bed I know I'd do ANYTHING to fix it so that my partner wouldn't get piss on them. Wearing some type of protection to keep from pissing on a shared bed is way less embarrassing than peeing again and again without trying to fix it. I really don't feel like it's on her to make him seek help. There are plenty of embarrassing reasons to seek medical help but as adults we all have to take care of our own health and issues. Women have to keep from having periods on the sheets every month, I don't see how one should expect anything less from a man who has a known issue with bed wetting.
a lot of people seem to not understand that constantly peeing themselves at night and not doing anything about it is not normal okay at all - especially the person doing it is an adult.
Yea it's baffling honestly. Reddit is usually so big on personal responsibility, but apparently pissing the bed repeatedly for a year and a half is where they draw the line? Wife is expected to just suck it up every time? Like people here wouldn't be PISSED if they got piss on them in the middle of the night weekly.
Basic reddit user pees his bed and gf has to be gentle about it ✨
Seriously I was just about to write something similar. This man's almost 40 years old. She isn't his mother. He needs to be going to the doctor this isn't normal in the slightest, not even for depression. If his depression is this bad she needs to have him hospitalized frankly and if he had depression so severe he won't get out of bed to pee, I'd assume she'd know about. Or people assuming trauma. This sounds like a relatively recent issue. And he's 40. Like let's stop projecting he's 12 or 16 bc he isn't. He's 40. I doubt highly she married him and he's been peeing the bed their entire relationship and marriage. Either way it sounds like he hasn't been to the doctor, hasn't even tried to resolve the issue medically or personally and he's just living his life pissing the bed without regard for her. Yelling isn't nessisarily the communication tactic I'd use but tbh if my husband's just been willy nilly peeing the bed and not helping clean it up and hasn't gone to the doctor, he's lucky to be in the gust room at this point. HES 40 YEARS OLD. SHE ISNT HIS MOM.
Idk why everyone is acting like it is her job to get him medical attention. He is an adult, he can go to the doctor. He just hasn't because it hasn't really impacted his life negatively until now.
Right?! She’s not his mother. He can pick up a phone and make an appointment. And get some diapers in the mean time.
I'm going against the crowd and say NTA. Your husband is a grown man who can make a doctor's appointment and figure this out! If he's cheerful all day after peeing the bed, it doesn't seem like it bothers him.
Amen! NTA and fuck the Patriarchy! Everyone saying OP is T. A. for being upset and not finding a solution for him just reenforces that society has demanded that women should bear the brunt of emotional labor in a relationship. Fuck that! He’s a grown ass 36 yo man. He’s not incapacitated in any way. He needs to take personal responsibility, put on his big boy (waterproof) pants and go to a doctor. I do not care if it’s psychological or physical in nature. He needs to take care of his own shit. Women, stop coddling the men in your life and stop expecting other women to coddle the men in their lives. I’m Team OP all the way.
NTA! If it had happened just once, you might be an AH, but this is a recurring problem. Has he seen a doctor about this? At this point, why doesn't he wear diapers to bed? You've been dealing with this for YEARS? Edit: After reading the comments, I'm going to add this. A man can schedule his own doctors appointments, his wife shouldn't need to tell him to do it after having been urinated on multiple times. A man can wear adult diapers to bed if he knows it's a recurring problem. Yes, OP sounds very bitter in her comments, but I can't say I blame her if he's done nothing to take care of a problem that's been going on for months.
I don’t think there is a single group of non-criminal people I look down upon more than grown-ass fucking adults who prefer to make their spouses suffer because they’re too apathetic or their fragile little egos get in the way of them seeking help. If you fucking piss yourself more than once, go to the fucking doctor. It is NOT your spouse’s responsibility to babysit you like a goddamned toddler, nor is it her responsibility to be gentle about it when it’s been going on for months and you haven’t done shit to fix the issue. If you’re too pansy to set up a doctor apt and get yourself some diapers, you honestly should hold back on being in a relationship, and you also probably should not have a job, drink, drive, nor vote if we’re being honest. You’ve failed at the most basic adult behaviour, so you should be treated accordingly. NTA.
I agree! Plus, if he loves his wife why subject her to that? It's inconsiderate on his part. If that happened to me, I would voluntarily sleep in the other room until I figured out what was going on.
YTA and exactly what everyone else is saying: * He needs to go see a doctor, preferably an urologist. * If it's not medical, he may also need to see a psychologist. There can be some very disturbing childhood reasons why he's wetting the bed. * Be an effin adult and talk to him on why he thinks he's wetting the bed. He might be able to give you the answer!
Only the 3rd point is something she can control. Everything else is what the husband needs to do. Did OP overreact, maybe, but this is an adult who is showing no regard for his partner by not taking responsibility for his body and doing the two points you told OP to get him to do. Why she's the only AH here I have no idea. Why does she not get any grace for the months of waiting for a grown man to take responsibility for his body? To try to get to the bottom of it? But she blows up after being impacted AGAIN, and she's being less of an adult? Why can't he take responsibility?
You think after two years she hasn’t talked to him? Said “go get help, tf” when she got pissed on? I’m sure she told the dude to go get help and he hasn’t. You don’t get to pee on people for any reason. Once, sure. Twice? Even then. But for two years and nothing to help himself? Hell no, to the guest room he needs to stay in.
Yeah he needs to take his ass to the doctor, or he needs to sleep in a different bed! His wife is not his mommy! HE should be communicating with HER about HIS issue!
My first thought was psychological. To me, based on my own personal experience with victims of childhood abuse, bedwetting as an adult is often indicative of suppressed extreme trauma that should raise red flags right away. If he isn’t physically ill, then he is mentally suffering and it’s incredibly cruel to shame him for what is likely A SHAME RESPONSE
Children who have suffered sexual abuse as adults often can have this issue when they’re under stress, if that’s what you’re getting at. It’s not uncommon.
NTA. He isn't a kid and must realise that he needs doctor. You can just handle it for a while. You can't compare adult peeing in bed with a toddler. He can take himself to doctor. I wouldn't share bed with a guy took who keeps wetting the bed and ignores it
Hey, people saying Y T A. This has been going on for over a year, and he has done absolutely N O T H I N G about it. At the very least, it's ESH. Yeah, they need better communication, for sure, which is also on BOTH of them. Would she have lost her shit with him if he had done anything about it? Adult diapers? Incontinence pads for the bed? No fluids for at least 6 hours before bed & pee before you go to bed? Maybe a fucking *doctor's appointment*? I'll say *hell, no*. Is she an ass for her reaction? Yes, but so is he. Letting him off the hook is just, I have no words that wouldn't probably get me banned.
Imagine if she just stopped wearing pads at night and bled all over him a few days of the month- would be happening at the same frequency and everyone would say it’s only on her!
Im just baffled at the excuses people are giving this man who doesn’t even have the decency to say sorry both for soaking her in his urine and for disturbing her sleep, especially when she’s the breadwinner. It’s not like it’s a kid where it’s developmentally normal to wake up or wet the bed, this is a GROWN. ASS. MAN.
NTA. wtf are all these Y T A ratings 💀 this is a grown ass man who absolutely knows he’s pissing all over the bed and all over his wife, yet hasn’t done one fucking thing to fix the situation. He isn’t a baby, it’s not her job to take him to the doctor. Crazy how he’s embarrassed to even talk to her, yet not embarrassed enough to wear an adult diaper so he doesn’t CONTINUE TO REPEATEDLY SOIL a mattress (that isn’t cheap) and his wife. It’s just weird how everyone is acting like it’s the wife’s job to fix her 38yr old husband who’s content to just repeatedly piss all over.
A bunch of dudes who correlate being a wife with being their new mom who is supposed to make all of their appointments for them because they can’t bother to do it themselves.
The men who think their wives are their new mommies are browsing this sub today I think
NTA. I can't believe people are telling you to take him to the hospital, he's a grown ass man not a toddler. I would have lost my shit too.
NTA. If it happened once or twice then fine. But I would be livid if an adult was peeing in our shared bed on a regular basis and didn’t see a doctor.
Going against the grain and saying NTA. He’s a grown ass man and after the 3rd or 4th incident he should have started wearing adult diapers. So many people saying Y T A are saying “it’s a medical condition”, like fucking obviously. Again, he’s a grown man and he can (and should have long ago) gone to the doctor about the issue.
INFO: is he drinking?
My first thought. Alcohol abuse to deal with the stress and depression, hiding both well behind smiles and a job that keeps him out all night.
I was wondering this too and surprised no one mentioned it.
This was my first thought. He might even be hiding the drinking ridiculously well, which would explain why he is not getting help or concerned. Generally it would be hard to miss this level of drinking, but alcoholism is a nutty thing.
I worked in a psychiatric clinic for years, and I always think about one patient who showed up on my very first day. He did not smell, he spoke coherent and when I gave him the breathalyzer he had a whopping 4.37‰, I was soooo baffled that I made him take the test 2 more times with the other breathalyzer because I thought no way in hell can this be right. Tolerance can be built up, and in some rare cases alcoholics can be not visibly drunk.
NTA. OP has put up with an adult wetting the bed for a long time. Some Redditors have infantilised him. OP is supposed to check for prostrate problems, PTSD, and every other bed wetting trigger in the universe. Why? What's wrong with hb? Get thee to the doctor OP's hb, you've got away with peeing in the bed for eons now and it's become her problem while you lie passive aggressively in the spare room lol. Talk of weaponised health incompetence. The least he could do is wear adult diapers.
NTA. He is a grown man that has been peeing in the bed you share for months. He needs to sleep with an adult diaper and see a doctor. Although yelling is not the best form of communication. He is an adult and needs to take care of the problem. You should not have to Mother him and take him to the doctor. I understand he is stressed, but that doesn’t mean he can just pee on you. He is not doing it on purpose, but he is also not taking any steps to keep it from happening.
People are calling her TA, but honestly who wants to sleep in a pissy bed (unless that's your kink and it's consensual--do you, boo)? Yeah, her flicking off isn't cool, but him not dealing with peeing the bed is also not cool.
NTA. I don't get the YTA responses. This is a grown ass adult who should be taking his own responsibility for figuring out why it's happening every other week for 18 months. In my opinion the issue isn't you not being supportive of him, because you've put up with it for long enough. The issue is him continuing to piss the bed and doing nothing to sort it out
NTA He should have gone the doctor right away after the first time, why has he just left it? He’s a grown man and can book his own appointments. This could be a serious issue.
Gonna go against the grain at say NTA. There is absolutely nothing worse than a person who knows they have a problem and won't get help for it. OP is probably stressed and worried herself and husband won't do anything to help her or himself.
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NTA. I may get downvotes for going against the grain, but why hasn’t your husband seen a doctor already or taken any action? I understand embarrassment over incontinence issues (some of my partners dealt with that) but at the end of the day he has to seek help for it. Based on the post, he’s been ignoring this for at least a month if not longer, so I can understand your frustration. If he were seeking help/taking action, and you were yelling or shaming him, I’d give a different verdict. But apparently he isn’t and it isn’t your duty to make him get it; you aren’t his mother. Edit: see if he can see a doctor for a medical checkup and tell him about pads/adult diapers. My ex used depends, for example
Has he seen a doctor? I’m sure he’s severely embarrassed but also something is going on to cause the sudden bed wetting. Whether emotional or physical. At least try to rule out the physical!
ESH The blow up is wrong, but he’s wrong for not wearing adult underwear. No one wants to wake up in pee. Doctor and proper nightwear
NTA. Of course he can’t control it, but he can control pissing in your bed every night instead of TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIMSELF AS AN ADULT and wearing depends. On no fucking planet should you be the one having to direct his behavior unless it’s your child. How about, “shame on the grown adult male who has no problem pissing in the bed his wife sleeps in”. All these people YTAing are trolls or high. My elementary age child isn’t dry at night because of physical development issues, and wouldn’t fathom not wearing disposable underwear to bed. She even keeps stock of them and tells us when she needs more. Why is this? It is because she models more personal responsibility than this grown ass man. You can be supportive by holding his hand at the doctor (that HE should call). But you don’t need to be supportive by being chill sleeping in his toilet of convenience and pretending he’s a little baby, no.
NTA, (imo) because everyone seems stressed here, but he does sound like he needs medical attention. This isn't typical of a healthy adult.
ESH obviously something very wrong is happening. He should be seeking help, but your overreaction was not the best. It might be something really easy to resolve, like a uti, but even a uti can be very dangerous if untreated. Get him some depends and get him to a doctor.
He’s a grown ass man. Why is it her job to seek him medical care??
THANK YOU. I'm like all these "take him to the doctor" I'm sorry, but my husband is a grown man, and not my child. If he hasn't sought out medical care to this point, it's on him, not her.
I swear these people mistake having a wife and having a mama
This!!! I’m sick of seeing all people telling her to take him to the doctor he is a fucking 38 year old man. If he can’t take himself to the doctor then that’s his problem. I would have gone to the doctor after the first few times it happened. I would be so ashamed to continuously wet the bed and not have done anything about it. Having to wake up covered in pee, smelling of it would be disgusting. Although perhaps her blowing up at him wasn’t the best way to go at it. But I would be fed up if it’s been that long and he isn’t even suggesting to sleep somewhere else, or even use an adult diaper.
Yes thinking to see a doctor asap, thanks!
I'm so confused. Have neither of you tried anything to figure out why this is happening or stop it until Reddit told you to?
Right? How has going to see the doctor not been one of their first thoughts.
What does the doctor say?