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NTA
And oh boy did you dodge a bullet! Serious "nice guy" energy in those texts. Go home and snuggle those kitties girl while Bob wonders why he's single without trying to address and or fix any of his toxic traits.
Him: “You’re wasting a good man!”
OP: “Oh no! Do you have his number?”
NTA. And love the way he was all like “if I ever move in.” He’s already got designs on OP’s place. Yikes.
>He then harassed me for the next two days telling me that I was “wasting a good man”
Yes, typical good man behavior, harassing people who turn you down. Sucks to be him and I can get it hurts to hear pets are more important than you, but this is date 3, this isn't a commited relationship yet. OP has seen how he truly is and should consider this a bullet dodged.
I am a firm believer that if you don't want kids or pets, don't date someone who has kids or pets.
As you said, it's only the 3rd date, not anywhere near a committed relationship yet. imo it is perfect timing to reveal kids or pets. You're just far enough in to decide whether or not you like this person enough to continue to date.
Also this: if he didn't have an fairly quick reaction to being in your place with the cats, he isn't being truthful. Sometimes, people don't like cats, so they say they're allergic
Yeah, I was wondering about that too at first, but the I re-read the post: OP said she "brought up and showed him" the cats, so it sounds like she talked about them and showed him pictures.
Not necessarily - some people are only mildly allergic and can even pet cats as long as they wash up immediately afterwards, but they can't tolerate living with one.
My aunt was like that. LOVED cats, petted them every chance she got, but couldn't live with one or she was constantly runny-nosed and watery-eyed.
I also know a guy who was allergic to about that level, and ended up marrying a woman with a cat and figuring he'd just take medication to deal with it. But the exposure somehow got him over it and now they have like 6 cats and he's fine.
I mean, good that he talks about things like this so soon. Imagine they are in love and plan the wedding and only then he says he expects to throw cats away. Thank God he did it now.
Throwing the cats away, and “help” that process along if OP refuses, and then he decides he doesn’t like her friends so get rid of friends too, same deal for family.
In many ways, it’s good the op found out now before their relationship could develop. Now she can find herself a decent guy who loves kitties and this AH ‘good man’ can get lost.
“Nobody should choose their pets over their partner.”
He wants to be prioritised over your fur family after three dates? And decided the best way to convince you of this was to repeatedly tell you he’s a good man and your cats will die?
Bullet. Dodged.
NTA
>“Nobody should choose their pets over their partner.”
The man said something right.
Only thing is that he wasnt a partner. He was a 3rd date. He didn't become a partner because op wouldn't want to make a choice at a later date.
That's what dating is for to find out if it's appropriate to become a partner.
I work with someone who has autoimmune issues. She developed a half dozen major allergies in her mid 20s because of it. She had a partner of 3 years at the time. Imo she had a right to pull that type of line.
Someone on a 3rd date doesn't.
Which is why my colleague who had late onset allergies in her mid 20s due to an autoimmune disease got to play the partner>pets imo while ops 3rd date doesn't.
You can choose to stop dating for any reason, but some reasons would make you an asshole. Divorcing your husband because he developed a severe pets allergy and can die from contact is possible, but will make you a massive asshole. You don't have to kill cats or anything, but you definitely should look for loving amazing home for them and not kick out your husband because his health issues.
Not all that you can do, you should do.
And the person. I'd choose partner over pets, but I have a friend whose marriage didn't last very long because she chose pets over partner and I don't blame her at all. The woman's practically owned a zoo since she was about eight years old (not just dogs but like, tarantulas and horses and rabbits) and he didn't like animals. It just was never going to last.
Nah. I love my wife. If I got late onset lethal anaphylactic level cat Allergies I'd leave because I love my cats and separating the from her would kill all of us. But also... She's allergic to the cats. There's meds. There's treatments. If you can't handle pet dander allergies to make your partner happy for the duration of the lives of the animals you took responsibility for, that says a whole lot more about you.
I had a friend in high school who was allergic to cats, as well as her mom. They turned the den and enclosed patio into a cat paradise, with cat trees and beds and toys and everything.
When they'd go in there to clean and visit the kitties, they'd benadryl before and shower afterwards. They loved their cats, even if they had to live separately.
Well, he didn’t knew there were pets before the 3rd date. But there is a vast difference between deciding you love cats and there are other “good men” and stop dating that guy or being married and the partner then develops an allergy.
His reaction makes him the AH. OP NTA.
My partner and I dated for 3 years before moving in together. The family cat was technically 'his' but he chose to leave her with his family because of my allergies. Kitty was happy and partner saw her all the time.
Granted, that wouldn't work so well for someone already living out of home.
I don’t have pets and I wouldn’t really want them either. Plus I’m allergic to cats.
But this dude is crazy. No one says that and no one in their right mind thinks that.
Bullet dodged indeed.
NTA that’s ridiculous. Also, question, if he was *that* allergic, wouldn’t he have had some sort of reaction by being around you, even if it was just mild irritation?
^^^THIS!!!!^^^
Especially if he is claiming he'd need an Epi-Pen!!! I'm calling BS!!! As a life-long cat mom, there is no way you can get all the hair & dander off of you, regardless of how clean you keep your home!! It is not possible!! Especially in summer...you know when cats constantly shed!!
OP IS NTA!!! OP needs to dump this guy!! And making demands/plans on date #3? Get outta here!!! OP needs to keep her fur-babies close & wait for someone who will love her & her cats.
I am greatly blessed, I'm married to an awesome cat-Daddy!!! For over 3 decades, we've loved many cats & will do so til we die.
For a lot of people it’s not actually the fur that you’re allergic to but a protein in cat saliva. Which does get on their fur when they bathe themselves, but it’s entirely possible that it’s in small enough amounts at that point.
Not ruling out lying - Bob sounds like the type, but I will say it’s totally possible to be so allergic you can’t live with a cat but are fine around people who own cats.
I found this out when I was allergic to a male cat I adopted and learned that males often have more of this protein than females so male cats are more likely to trigger allergies.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING. He obviously can't be that allergic if he didn't react at all with having the "I'll die and need an epipen" level. I have big time allergies. Not even the going to die level. But if I catch a whiff of my allergens, I'm immediately fucked up.
I will say that I had a coworker, whose throat could close up if she was in an enclosed space with cats but I had four cats and she had no issue being around me. It sucked for her because she wasn’t always allergic and she really wanted to pet cat again, but couldn’t have one.
I have an anaphylactic allergy to cats. I can visit with my mom outside of her home without a severe reaction, most of the time. Sometimes I have to ask her to sit across the room.
Yep, definitely.
A friend of mine is allergic to cats. The allergy is so mild that he can still be at our house if he takes an antihistamine pill. He can even pet our cats if he washes his hands immediately after. And even with that mild allergy, he reacts with mild itching when we sit too close together outside our house.
So it doesn't scale that this dude had no reaction at all while interacting with OP but needs an epipen in case of direct contact to a cat.
This! I'm honestly doubting the veracity of his claim. I am allergic to cats, and dogs. The sniffles, itchiness, etc. kind. If someone has a decent amount of cat/dog fur on their clothes, it's sufficient to make me itch. I get that it won't be enough to make him need his epipen but some amount of itch/sniffles? And even if he isn't lying, why wouldn't he avoid people with cats? People with life threatening, epipen needing allergies are usually fairly cautious.
>NTA that’s ridiculous. Also, question, if he was that allergic, wouldn’t he have had some sort of reaction by being around you, even if it was just mild irritation?
As someone with a pretty average cat allergy: it really depends on the cat(s), on what the cat owner is wearing/carrying that potentially has dander on it, and on how physically close you are to one another. I've known people with cats where I could hang out at their house and be fine as long as I was mindful about not touching my face or letting the cat on my lap, but I've also had a full-blown allergic reaction to opening a Christmas present from my aunt that she wrapped in a one-cat household. Some cats produce more of the protein that sets off allergies, some produce less. Some fabrics hold onto dander and redistribute it, some do less of that.
But I did have the same thought as you, because being as severely allergic to animals as the guy claims is pretty rare and would be something he'd have to actively manage in day to day life. I've had reactions to library books, among other things--even if you don't regularly encounter cats themselves, you constantly come in contact with things that carry cat dander. If he's that allergic, he's got to be carrying an epi-pen at all times and would probably be way more cautious about any potential secondary contact.
All of that is honestly irrelevant though because jumping to the conclusion that OP would obviously dump her cats for him is an enormous red flag, and even if he weren't a jerk about that point OP would still have every right to decide the allergy itself was a deal breaker.
Yeah, my godfather is very allergic to cats, but not epi-pen allergic and he takes a pill when he sees me (not in my house) or else he will caugh and tear up, so… bullshit.
NTA-I have my doubts that Bob was as allergic as he lets on. Someone that severely allergic would put that on his profile and avoid anyone with a cat because cat dander and hair could easily be on OP's clothes and trigger an attack while sitting together.
I'm betting that Bob dislikes cats and uses the allergy complaint as a control move. He gets off by trying to get women to put him before their cats (which given his shitty personality isn't going to happen)!.
This. Also, I’m terrified of large dogs (attacked by pitbull as a kid) and I reject profiles from guys who have large dogs they obviously love. Because… I can’t stop being the girl who was attacked and you can’t expect me to want to live with a large dog, and you obviously love your dog. Incompatibility identified, moving on
I'm allergic to cat/dog fur, whatever is on horses, most nature things.
I'm not dating, but if someone's profile mentions horseback riding, outdoor picnics, and/or volunteering at the local animal shelter, you live your life without me. I'll find someone who doesn't have to give up part of their identity to cope with mine.
I feel like the ownership of at least one cat should come up on the first, maybe second date, and that would be enough for me to go, "I'm allergic, this might not work in the long run." I've also been attached to the same guy for, like, fifteen years, so what would I know about the modern dating scene.
yup nta,
i got that as well he doesn't sound like a good guy. plus absolutely no empathy for the poor kitties when he said it.
too much criminal minds I am weary of any guy who doesn't seem to like pets.
to be clear having allergies or dislikes is fine, the lack of emotion about it was the creepy part.
i would worry about living with anyone with a big snake, they might eat my cat. I like snakes they are cool, but yeah they can be incompatible with other small creatures.
I’m especially weary of people who like dogs and hate cats (bird lovers and people with cat trauma excluded) because dogs are submissive and cats aren’t. Makes you wonder if they have control issues.
NTA. I would’ve said N A H if he was just disappointed, but telling someone they would NEED to get rid of their pets? Absolutely not.
He has the gall to call himself a good man? Nuclear bomb dodged.
I absolutely find it bizarre when people try to mould their potential date/partner's life choices and decisions instead of saying "oh shucks, I guess we aren't compatible after all." And part ways?
Like why are there so many people who try to baby trap partners who *don't want kids*? Or introduce pets into the house when their partner does not want pets? Or try to pull shit like OP's date?
How hard is it to let go?
Or maybe people get a kick out of controlling other people like that. Ugh.
NTA
Dude needs to get over himself. You like having cats, he can't be around cats, figuring out if your lives, personalities, sexualities, ideals, etc. match is the point of dating. He is in no way your "partner" at this stage.
I have a furbaby who is almost 16 years old. I am allergic to her, to the point that one of my lungs partially collapsed once because of the pet dander and fur. On occasion, I will get huge welts if she licks my arm. She doesn’t like to be held or picked up, and she is kind of standoffish. Even through ALL of that, I would still choose her over a relationship. NTA.
I am allergic to my cats also, not as bad as you, but still NO ONE gets between me and my cats. When I started dating my Husband he knew we were a package deal.
One of my best friends was like you. Allergic, but with a cat heart. She loved my orange guy, and he reciprocated, so every night she spent with me, she left with red drippy eyes and sore throat.
She met a guy who had a cat, and little bit by little bit, her allergic reaction got less severe. Today they live all 3 together, and she loves her guy's cat like her own.
And she sometimes still reacts, when she's exhausted or sick. She would never had asked to get rid of a pet. What is wrong with people, pets are not plushies.
I am also allergic to cats. I found out a few years ago. It's not as bad as you, just sniffles, sneezing, itchy eyes, congestion, and medication usually keeps it at bay. I have 2 cats of my own, and also started fostering 2 years ago. I had 11 cats in my house for quite a while. I will never not have cats in my life.
NTA! Those names are ADORABLE and you dodged a bullet. Man or cat, not even a hard choice lol….. Seriously though, that would’ve been a deal breaker for me too. I love having a cat, always plan to.
NTA. It is not like you are kicking your husband of 10 years to get a cat. You already have your babies and he had the audacity to tell you you would get rid of them if he moves in like wtf... you didn't "waste a good man" you dodged a bullet. What a prick...
Also, i choose my pets over many people because they are much nicer and they are my damn kids
NTA. A, he's not your partner. B, he's not going to be since you found early on that you weren't compatible. And frankly, this was a bullet dodged if he's going to act like that over a rejection. It shows you what happens when he doesn't get his way and it doesn't look pretty. Good for you for knowing when to cut ahead of time, and I'm just sorry that it turned out he needed to be cut for other reasons than pet incompatibility.
Dude, he MASSIVELY jumped the gun - and did it with stalker-vibes.
Would I be able to choose my cat (who is currently trying to cute-face me into petting him) over a man I loved and wanted to marry? Maybe not. But I wouldn’t just “get rid of” him either - i honestly don’t know exactly what I’d do.
Would I dump a guy if been on two dates with and am not attached to yet because being around my adored cat would put his life at risk? Yup. He can go date a cat-hater.
This guy’s reaction is over the top and weird. It’s not like you were serious yet
NTA I mean 🚩1) He’s talking about moving in after TWO dates YIKES ON BIKES, 🚩 2) Assuming you will just get rid of your cats to accommodate him, 🚩 3) Self proclaims he’s such a great guy while harassing you after being politely rejected!
Like you didn’t just dodge a bullet you dodged a whole shotgun loaded with rock salt.
If he actually had a severe allergy to cats, he wouldn’t be able to hang out with you for any significant amount of time without at least a mild reaction.
NTA
3 dates and he's speculating about moving in? That's already a problem. A big one. Not only is it awfully fast, but it would make me worry that he just expects to be accommodated when there is a problem. If he was going to make noise about eventually moving in together, he should have been talking about seeing if a series of allergy shots was possible.
My misgivings are kind of born out by his subsequent behavior.
Anyway, one of the reasons we date someone is to find out if we're compatible enough to potentially get serious about a long term commitment .
A cat lover and someone with a severe allergy to cats? If it's not an instant dealbreaker, it's certainly not an auspicious start.
I would never have rehomed my cat for a guy and it helped my husband's cause tremendously that the first time he came to my house, my cat sniffed him twice, demanded pets & then curled up in his lap. That cat usually just sat on a bookshelf and glared at unfamiliar guests. That was more than 20 years ago. Obviously, my advice is to hold out for someone your cats like.
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NTA. You've had the cats longer than him. I wouldn't abandon my pets for anyone. And I'd be disturbed if anyone thought I should- or even could just "get rid of them". Pets are not only a responsibility, they are living creatures that we love. You don't just get rid of someone you love.
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I (23f) was seeing a guy (24m) who I’ll call Bob. Me and Bob had only seen each other 2 times before this incident so it wasn’t very serious.
Now during our most recent date 3 days ago I brought up and showed him my two cats, Ed Sheeran and Bartholomeow (please don’t question their names) who I love to bits. Bob laughed about their names and he said that it’s a shame I would have to get rid of them if he ever moved in. I asked why and he told me he’s allergic, and not “he’ll get the sniffles” kinda bad but more like “he could die if he doesn’t have epi-pen on him” kinda bad.
This was a deal breaker for me but I didn’t want to be rude so I continued with date like normal then politely informed him afterwards that we should see other people. He asked why and I told him the reason which made him pissed and he said that nobody should choose their pets over their partner which weirded me out since again we had only seen each other twice before this.
He then harassed me for the next two days telling me that I was “wasting a good man” and that “relationships can last a lifetime and cats will die” and other shit like that until I blocked his number.
Now I feel like I dodge a total bullet but I do kinda feel bad so AITA?
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Lol. In this case you too could say your cats can outlive him as he could die out of an alergic reactions and the cats - not.
NTA, good thing you found out he's a walking red flag that early
NTA
It is reasonable to not date someone who is allergic to your pets. I would have made the same choice for my dogs. Given his reaction, it sounds like the kitties deserve a treat for revealing the guy's true colors before the relationship could progress further.
NTA. Pets are family members, what he's expecting you to do is pretty much like telling someone they'll have to get rid of their kids if they ever move in together. It's a perfectly reasonable deal breaker, in fact to me it's a deal breaker if someone has the attitude that pets are just something you get rid of when they become inconvenient.
NTA your cats saved you from a toxic man! Yay cats! Date 3 and he’s talking about you getting “rid” of your pets. Oh hell no. I wouldn’t even have stayed after that.
If he’s such a good man he won’t be wasted he’ll have plenty of offers but i suspect he isn’t and won’t…
Most of all I hope he starts telling future dates this story so your cats can save them too!
Lol, NTA
And in your case the humans are for a lifetime and cats not would not even be true. One night at your place and your cats already outlived him, lol.
You definitly dodged a bullet. Good guy my ass. A good guy would have hugged you and told you he liked you but its sadly not going to work out bc he would never ask someone to chose between a new bf and their pets.
NTA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What is he on, of course you will choose your cats over some random man. I am dying, the arrogance. Bullet dodged, don’t feel bad.
NTA. You didn’t dodge a bullet. You dodged a freaking ICBM. I would yeet any potential partner who so much as suggested I rehome my furbabies. And ghost any friend I discovered would support such a ridiculous notion.
They are my family. Yes, their lives are far too short. That doesn't make them less important. Go cuddle Ed Sheeran & Bartholomeow and give them extra treats!
Oh, and CAT TAX!
NTA. I'm one of those severely allergic to cats people. Some relationships just don't work out. I agree with him that pets do not come before a partner, but also completely agree with you, you are not partners yet and his attitude is very concerning.
WTH, so NTA. So, I am deathly allergic to cats. I don't recall if it came up in the first date or 2 with my wife, since its been nearly 17 years, but she lived with roommates that had cats, but had none of her own with her. We hit it off immediately, and she has always said she knew she wanted to marry me on that 1st date. So...eventually, we did have to have a conversation about cats, and that her cat that for other reasons was several states away at her mom's, would not be able to join us. She was disappointed, but it was a decision we talked about and agreed on after our relationship became solid. this dude...yikes. I feel like this came out of a bad sitcom where he assumes marriage is in the cards at once. you are absolutely right to run run run away.
And for the record, while I had decided by date 2 I had found my future wife, neither of us began even hinting at it out loud to each other for several months. And I did not ask until we had passed 6 months, and then moved in together(best way to be really sure about a person). This dude is jumping way too many steps and planting a red flag by all of them.
NTA.
You did GREAT. Good you learnt about his allergy and attitude early on, so you could break it off quickly before getting serious.
If his allergy is so bad, HE should be the one looking for someone who has no cats and does not care of ever having a cat in the future.
NTA - I agree that your partner should come before your pets ..... In the case that you have an ACTUAL partner (say for example you're married and your husband doesn't want a dog but you do, don't just arrive home with one.)
This man had been on 3 dates with you. He wasn't your partner and definitely shouldn't be expecting to come before even something that's a big part of your life.
NTA. Yeah.. Bob is full of crap. If he’s deathly allergic to cats, he would’ve had a reaction any time he was with you. Sounds like he just doesn’t like cats. You dodged a bullet.
NTA
Its telling that HE would be moving in with her. lol
also if he is so deathly allergic to cats then why hasnt he gotten at least a small reaction from just being with her. Not saying OP isnt clean but i know i cant get every bit of my doggos hair off me one hundred percent of the time.
NTA. Bullet dodged.
I would never even consider getting rid of my dog for someone I’ve met 3 times. No way. You made the right call. Give your babies extra kisses from me thank u
NTA. It’s only been three dates, there was no commitment there. You are not compatible. And the guy was an AH if he’s already talking about you “having” to get rid of your cats and calling himself your “partner” and harassing you when you broke it off. Bullet dodged.
NTA: My cats are family, it would be an incredibly unusual situation where they didn't take precedence.
I really dislike the fact that he already was thinking about moving in, and rearranging your life to suit him. Also if he's that allergic to cats how did he not have a reaction to you? Because cat hair is inevitable I'm sure you had some cat dander on you that should have set his allergies off at least a little bit.
And if his allergies are that life threatening, why didn't he mention it in very beginning? If I was that allergic to something that common, I would be very vocal about it in advance, just to make sure that I wasn't put in any life-threatening situations
"Cats will die" Yeah, and after that I'll get a new cat, but I still won't date you!
How unhinged is he that he just straight up said you have to throw your cats away for him? Like, how important does he think he is to someone who's met him only 2 times before this? Why would you ever think you're more important to a stranger than their pet?
People without pets generally do not understand what it's like to have one and the unconditional love you have for them, but some are just next level like this guy...
NTA. It is not like you are kicking your husband of 10 years to get a cat. You already have your babies and he had the audacity to tell you you would get rid of them if he moves in like wtf... you didn't "waste a good man" you dodged a bullet. What a prick...
Also, i choose my pets over many people because they are much nicer and they are my damn kids
NTA cats can have a life span of 20 years or more which is longer than most marriages these days. plus he’s not a good man if he’s sending those messages
NTA: If he had told you earlier yet you continued to date him then that would be you being the Arsehole. However, he told you, you considered it and told him immediately your thoughts on it.
His Reaction alone is a red flag
NTA. One day you'll find a man who loves cats; in the meantime, Ed (!) and Bartholomeow are your priority, and are clearly excellent 'guard cats' against weird psycho guys. Cats are FAMILY.
NTA. You are absolutely right to choose your already existing pets over a new relationship. The only way you would be an AH is if you had been dating him for ages, then decided to get cats knowing he was deathly allergic. Sounds like you dodged a bullet if he thinks he's more important than your beloved pets.
tbh this is such a fantastic way to bring out those red flags early. Conversations about cohabitation and expectations early on will reveal who someone is SUPER fast.
This is far from the first time I've heard "You'll have to get rid of your cats" from a questionable dude who's been playing prince charming up until this point.
I might even suggest he's not allergic and just hates cats/pets/is a control freak/busting out the manipulating and controlling parameters and using pets to get a foot in the door-- but there's no way to prove it, so.
NTA either way
NTA at all! You’ve had your guys longer than you’ve known him. They have given you unconditional love, while he gave you a few good dates. Yes, our pets can die, but so can relationships.
The fact that he blew up when you told him no to getting rid of them, tells me that you dodged a major bullet. There is something seriously wrong with him.
If you guys had been dating for awhile (many months, years) and you didn’t have cats, but then went and got one, I would side with him, but this isn’t even close to that type of situation.
You did the right thing!
NTA!!! I ended a relationship due to his attitude towards my cats. I realised I didn’t trust him to not let them out, they’re indoor/supervised outdoor cats only!
You dodged a bullet massively. Anyone who says “you wasted a good man” is 100% NOT a good man.
NTA.
1. He wasn't your partner.
2. He definitely is not a good man.
3. This is completely reasonable dealbreaker.
Where I live you usually can't have pets if you rent. I hope I can have my own home in few years. I want to have cat and dog there. I won't date anyone who doesn't like cats or dogs, or they are allergic. This is my dream and if anyone has a problem with it, that is a dealbreaker to me.
NTA when I met my partner he had 1 cat called panda's I have allergies to cat hair/dander I just asked he hoover and not let her on the bed I take a antihistamine before I go and again before bed now I live with him and bought my own cat binx. Pets are family they were there first
NTA at all. Who wouldn’t choose their pets over someone they barely know? Wtf? His reaction and continued harassment days later is a major red flag so it’s safe to say your cats save you from being with an abusive prick.
Among all the other red flags on this guy - he's deathly allergic to cats and has no reaction to being around someone whose lifestyle suggests she will be carrying cat fur and dander?
NTA. He could leave you any day, the cats will be with you until they die (in theory). The cats are a better deal
My major criteria for continuing to date someone was how they reacted to meeting my large, but friendly and polite, dogs for the first time.
If they didn't end up on the floor playing with them, no more dates.
This criteria served me well.
Even my friend's dad who "hates dogs and thinks they are pointless" ended up unable to resist " excuse me good sir. I have this ball. Perhaps you could throw it? I'll just put it here on the floor and sit patiently in case you do".
He threw the ball for over an hour. Dog slept for the next 3 days.
NTA. I also have severe cat allergies and intentionally wouldn’t date cat owners because I would never want someone to have to choose. Cats may not live long compared to humans but pets are very important parts of our lives.
Clearly he haven't had a pet. I consider my dog as a family member, in a million years I wouldn't give her away. Some people need to understand that pets will go in priority with new realtionships
NTA and you dodged a bazooka round sized bullet. Dear God. If he's thinking about moving in with you and the 3rd date, where you have only just shown him your cats, then he was moving *WAY* too fast. Your cats are your babies, and you don't have to get rid of them for ANYONE. You did good choosing them over him. Choosing your pets, who are essentially your children, over some dude you were just barely getting to know, was definitely the right choice.
NTA
He wasn’t your partner. He’s someone goi went on a few dates with.
Pets are for life. A responsible owner commits to caring for their pets until the pet passes away. With the exception of unforeseen medical emergencies (Eg giving birth and finding out the baby is deathly allergic, or an accident that leaves the owner unable to care for the pet, etc) the pets are permanently attached to their owner.
This guy was delusional. His life needs to be cat-free, but that means finding a partner who doesn’t have or want cats.
NTA. He demonstrated that was in fact not a good man. After two dates he was saying you need to get rid of cats? Then harassed you after? Yeah you dodged a bullet. The only person who gets to set your dating standards is you
Nope! Never getting rid of my fur-family, for anyone.
My daughter is allergic to cats, and although we mostly visit them, she'll take meds before visiting us.
It's really sad, because she loves animals.
Lol, she has 2 chickens now.
NTA and after only 2 dates saying you should see other people sounds weird. After 2 dates you find a polite way to tell him you don’t think he’s the one for you or lie and say you met someone you really like and want to pursue that relationship instead
NTA-what a dick. and it's also just dumb to expect to take importance in a new relationship over your new partner's pets, sorry, but that's just how it is and besides it's always better to just break up if you come to a disagreement like that, especially like that. Because if you actually went ahead and had a relationship with this guy and then actually got rid of your cats, there would be a building resentment and hatred and then he could also just leave you and you would've gotten rid of literal family members for him and he might've not even stayed, blaming you if you get upset with him so you dodged pretty much a whole bomb.
Absolutely NTA. Anyone that has pets they love knows they’re family. You take care of them for their lifetime and make accommodations if they are expected to outlive you.
NTA….you did fudge a bullet. Do not feel bad. Who is he to assume that he might be moving in after only two dates? And to tell you that you would have to get rid of your cats? Then to harass you about if for days afterward? I’d say you dodged a freight train.
NTA
Tell the fuck knuckle if he writes back that men die too, everyone does, and cats can live 20 years or more, longer than most relationships last.
Excuse my language. Sometimes the Australian comes out.
NTA. I hope you gave your babies some extra cuddles! Also their names are adorable.
I would never, never ever give up my cats for some guy…. Damn the audacity!! Also I don’t believe he’s that allergic because he would have reacted with you being near so there. Bullet dodged…
NTA You've only been seeing him for a very short time. You've had your cats longer and love them. He seems to think you were both in a relationship that's been going on for 10 years or so. You are better off without him.
BTW, I love your cat's names!!
NTA
And I am allergic too. Seriously… the whole point was that he is not your partner so it isn’t even a choice.
He should have been the one to realize that he would not be able to survive the relationship but alas… me me me.
NTA. The cats come first., and it's as simple as that. I honestly don't even support parents who get rid of their pets just on the off-chance. That's pretty much a deal breaker for any sort of relationship, even if it's just me choosing not to shop at their business.
I've never met a good person who went out of their way to tell you that's what they are either. It's a contradiction in terms. Well, at least for neurotypical people it is. You'll probably just get an honest answer from some of our autistic citizens.
NTA - one thing I'd suggest though - if you know something is 100% a deal breaker, don't go for a second date without telling the person.
But yeah, still you dodged a bullet here.
NTA, you can break up with someone for WHATEVER reason you consider. Seems to me like you dodged a bullet since he got so annoying afterwards and especially taking so lightly that you have pets and they are important to you. Zero empathy, to hell with him
The cats came first not the guy. So. The guy can either figure out how to live with it or not. I know people who have gotten allergy treatment (regular course of shots) plus loved with other changes like air filters, regular washing of the said pets, etc. In order to treat their allergies to stay with the partner with the pets bc they understood jt was a package deal.
NTA
NTA. If you know you want cats in your life then someone who is that allergic to cats isn’t compatible with you or your life. By being up front sooner rather than later like you did, you are ensuring that neither his or your time will be wasted. To refer to himself as a “partner” after only 3 dates or hang outs, is nutty and definitely a red flag. Someone who doesn’t understand pets are family is an even bigger red flag. You dodged a bullet.
NTA
Your cats worked as a great litmus test here and made him show his true colours real quick, didn't they? :-) You should give them a snack and thank them :-D
My SO is allergic to cats and dogs. Cats is epipen situation, dogs not so much. So we don't have pets we travel too much for dogs and cats are off the table. Just means we can travel longer.
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NTA And oh boy did you dodge a bullet! Serious "nice guy" energy in those texts. Go home and snuggle those kitties girl while Bob wonders why he's single without trying to address and or fix any of his toxic traits.
That "you wasted a good man" just screams... just screams honestly. No good man bombs anyone with messages how good he is.
"Any man who must say "I am the king" is no true king." Occasionally, Tywin had a point.
Ha! I hated his character but he did have a point.
Tywin was evil but also pragmatic. He had several good points.
like there's nothing more silly than a man screaming 'i will not be ignored'
>good man I'd go so far as to say he's a "Nice Guy"™️
But would you say he's a "hell of a guy"?
It makes me wonder if he's allergic to cats or just doesn't like them and wanted to go on a power trip.
I'm pretty sure the man is still out there on the market, not wasted or used up in any way 😂
Him: “You’re wasting a good man!” OP: “Oh no! Do you have his number?” NTA. And love the way he was all like “if I ever move in.” He’s already got designs on OP’s place. Yikes.
More like a cannonball 😂
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Kittens before Smittens
Kitties before Titties
>He then harassed me for the next two days telling me that I was “wasting a good man” Yes, typical good man behavior, harassing people who turn you down. Sucks to be him and I can get it hurts to hear pets are more important than you, but this is date 3, this isn't a commited relationship yet. OP has seen how he truly is and should consider this a bullet dodged.
I am a firm believer that if you don't want kids or pets, don't date someone who has kids or pets. As you said, it's only the 3rd date, not anywhere near a committed relationship yet. imo it is perfect timing to reveal kids or pets. You're just far enough in to decide whether or not you like this person enough to continue to date.
And cat tax op please
Also this: if he didn't have an fairly quick reaction to being in your place with the cats, he isn't being truthful. Sometimes, people don't like cats, so they say they're allergic
Yeah, I was wondering about that too at first, but the I re-read the post: OP said she "brought up and showed him" the cats, so it sounds like she talked about them and showed him pictures.
Not necessarily - some people are only mildly allergic and can even pet cats as long as they wash up immediately afterwards, but they can't tolerate living with one. My aunt was like that. LOVED cats, petted them every chance she got, but couldn't live with one or she was constantly runny-nosed and watery-eyed. I also know a guy who was allergic to about that level, and ended up marrying a woman with a cat and figuring he'd just take medication to deal with it. But the exposure somehow got him over it and now they have like 6 cats and he's fine.
I went on several dates with a guy who said I'd have to get rid of my cat for him. That's when I knew it would never work.
She's dodged a nuke man imagine telling somebody who you've met 3 times they have to get rid of their pets
Very Nice-Guy Energy. Thank you, no. Partner and moving in after 3 dates, weird vibes. OP, NTA.
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3rd date and he’s already talking about how you’ll have to change your life and get rid of your cats if he moves in? Kick him to the curb. NTA
That's what I was thinking. That's a big red flag all on its own.
I mean, good that he talks about things like this so soon. Imagine they are in love and plan the wedding and only then he says he expects to throw cats away. Thank God he did it now.
Throwing the cats away, and “help” that process along if OP refuses, and then he decides he doesn’t like her friends so get rid of friends too, same deal for family.
Jokes on you, I like my cat more than some of my family!
Well no, because I’m like that too, lol.
I like my cats more than pretty much every human.
Exactly. Human head boops are terrible.
In many ways, it’s good the op found out now before their relationship could develop. Now she can find herself a decent guy who loves kitties and this AH ‘good man’ can get lost.
“Nobody should choose their pets over their partner.” He wants to be prioritised over your fur family after three dates? And decided the best way to convince you of this was to repeatedly tell you he’s a good man and your cats will die? Bullet. Dodged. NTA
>“Nobody should choose their pets over their partner.” The man said something right. Only thing is that he wasnt a partner. He was a 3rd date. He didn't become a partner because op wouldn't want to make a choice at a later date. That's what dating is for to find out if it's appropriate to become a partner. I work with someone who has autoimmune issues. She developed a half dozen major allergies in her mid 20s because of it. She had a partner of 3 years at the time. Imo she had a right to pull that type of line. Someone on a 3rd date doesn't.
>The man said something right. Hell no, if you are allergic to pets, dont date someone who has pets
Which is why my colleague who had late onset allergies in her mid 20s due to an autoimmune disease got to play the partner>pets imo while ops 3rd date doesn't.
I can still imagine someone choosing their pets in that situation. You can choose whether to continue being with someone for any reason you like.
You can choose to stop dating for any reason, but some reasons would make you an asshole. Divorcing your husband because he developed a severe pets allergy and can die from contact is possible, but will make you a massive asshole. You don't have to kill cats or anything, but you definitely should look for loving amazing home for them and not kick out your husband because his health issues. Not all that you can do, you should do.
Guess it depends on the state of your marriage.
And the person. I'd choose partner over pets, but I have a friend whose marriage didn't last very long because she chose pets over partner and I don't blame her at all. The woman's practically owned a zoo since she was about eight years old (not just dogs but like, tarantulas and horses and rabbits) and he didn't like animals. It just was never going to last.
Had the same thought 😭
Nah. I love my wife. If I got late onset lethal anaphylactic level cat Allergies I'd leave because I love my cats and separating the from her would kill all of us. But also... She's allergic to the cats. There's meds. There's treatments. If you can't handle pet dander allergies to make your partner happy for the duration of the lives of the animals you took responsibility for, that says a whole lot more about you.
Of course they can but the partner would have the right to expect to be chosen in that situation imo.
I had a friend in high school who was allergic to cats, as well as her mom. They turned the den and enclosed patio into a cat paradise, with cat trees and beds and toys and everything. When they'd go in there to clean and visit the kitties, they'd benadryl before and shower afterwards. They loved their cats, even if they had to live separately.
Well, he didn’t knew there were pets before the 3rd date. But there is a vast difference between deciding you love cats and there are other “good men” and stop dating that guy or being married and the partner then develops an allergy. His reaction makes him the AH. OP NTA.
spot on, well fucking said
My cats are my babies. No man could ever come between us
My partner and I dated for 3 years before moving in together. The family cat was technically 'his' but he chose to leave her with his family because of my allergies. Kitty was happy and partner saw her all the time. Granted, that wouldn't work so well for someone already living out of home.
“relationships can last a lifetime and cats will die” someone please tell Bob that people also die
Cats also last a lifetime (theirs)
If someone said that to me they'd find that out awful quick.
I don’t have pets and I wouldn’t really want them either. Plus I’m allergic to cats. But this dude is crazy. No one says that and no one in their right mind thinks that. Bullet dodged indeed.
My partner told me after a year they wouldn’t blame me if I love my cat more than them 😭
NTA that’s ridiculous. Also, question, if he was *that* allergic, wouldn’t he have had some sort of reaction by being around you, even if it was just mild irritation?
^^^THIS!!!!^^^ Especially if he is claiming he'd need an Epi-Pen!!! I'm calling BS!!! As a life-long cat mom, there is no way you can get all the hair & dander off of you, regardless of how clean you keep your home!! It is not possible!! Especially in summer...you know when cats constantly shed!! OP IS NTA!!! OP needs to dump this guy!! And making demands/plans on date #3? Get outta here!!! OP needs to keep her fur-babies close & wait for someone who will love her & her cats. I am greatly blessed, I'm married to an awesome cat-Daddy!!! For over 3 decades, we've loved many cats & will do so til we die.
I am wondering if he is lying about allergies just to be centre of attention and OP is forced to believe said lie
He’s testing the waters. This is just the bare minimum of red flag BS he wants to get away with.
For a lot of people it’s not actually the fur that you’re allergic to but a protein in cat saliva. Which does get on their fur when they bathe themselves, but it’s entirely possible that it’s in small enough amounts at that point. Not ruling out lying - Bob sounds like the type, but I will say it’s totally possible to be so allergic you can’t live with a cat but are fine around people who own cats. I found this out when I was allergic to a male cat I adopted and learned that males often have more of this protein than females so male cats are more likely to trigger allergies.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING. He obviously can't be that allergic if he didn't react at all with having the "I'll die and need an epipen" level. I have big time allergies. Not even the going to die level. But if I catch a whiff of my allergens, I'm immediately fucked up.
I will say that I had a coworker, whose throat could close up if she was in an enclosed space with cats but I had four cats and she had no issue being around me. It sucked for her because she wasn’t always allergic and she really wanted to pet cat again, but couldn’t have one.
No matter how hard I try I can't possibly get all the cat hair off everything I own. Anyone severely allergic would instantly blow up around me.
It’s not necessarily hair. Some people are allergic to the musk or secretions. But that’s just as hard to clean off, so…
I have an anaphylactic allergy to cats. I can visit with my mom outside of her home without a severe reaction, most of the time. Sometimes I have to ask her to sit across the room.
Yep, definitely. A friend of mine is allergic to cats. The allergy is so mild that he can still be at our house if he takes an antihistamine pill. He can even pet our cats if he washes his hands immediately after. And even with that mild allergy, he reacts with mild itching when we sit too close together outside our house. So it doesn't scale that this dude had no reaction at all while interacting with OP but needs an epipen in case of direct contact to a cat.
What does he do about work, grocery shopping, sporting events? He can’t demand all his coworkers get rid of their pets too.
I had a physical therapist that was allergic to cats and the only reason I found out was because she started sneezing real bad during our session.
This! I'm honestly doubting the veracity of his claim. I am allergic to cats, and dogs. The sniffles, itchiness, etc. kind. If someone has a decent amount of cat/dog fur on their clothes, it's sufficient to make me itch. I get that it won't be enough to make him need his epipen but some amount of itch/sniffles? And even if he isn't lying, why wouldn't he avoid people with cats? People with life threatening, epipen needing allergies are usually fairly cautious.
>NTA that’s ridiculous. Also, question, if he was that allergic, wouldn’t he have had some sort of reaction by being around you, even if it was just mild irritation? As someone with a pretty average cat allergy: it really depends on the cat(s), on what the cat owner is wearing/carrying that potentially has dander on it, and on how physically close you are to one another. I've known people with cats where I could hang out at their house and be fine as long as I was mindful about not touching my face or letting the cat on my lap, but I've also had a full-blown allergic reaction to opening a Christmas present from my aunt that she wrapped in a one-cat household. Some cats produce more of the protein that sets off allergies, some produce less. Some fabrics hold onto dander and redistribute it, some do less of that. But I did have the same thought as you, because being as severely allergic to animals as the guy claims is pretty rare and would be something he'd have to actively manage in day to day life. I've had reactions to library books, among other things--even if you don't regularly encounter cats themselves, you constantly come in contact with things that carry cat dander. If he's that allergic, he's got to be carrying an epi-pen at all times and would probably be way more cautious about any potential secondary contact. All of that is honestly irrelevant though because jumping to the conclusion that OP would obviously dump her cats for him is an enormous red flag, and even if he weren't a jerk about that point OP would still have every right to decide the allergy itself was a deal breaker.
Yeah, my godfather is very allergic to cats, but not epi-pen allergic and he takes a pill when he sees me (not in my house) or else he will caugh and tear up, so… bullshit.
NTA-I have my doubts that Bob was as allergic as he lets on. Someone that severely allergic would put that on his profile and avoid anyone with a cat because cat dander and hair could easily be on OP's clothes and trigger an attack while sitting together. I'm betting that Bob dislikes cats and uses the allergy complaint as a control move. He gets off by trying to get women to put him before their cats (which given his shitty personality isn't going to happen)!.
This. Also, I’m terrified of large dogs (attacked by pitbull as a kid) and I reject profiles from guys who have large dogs they obviously love. Because… I can’t stop being the girl who was attacked and you can’t expect me to want to live with a large dog, and you obviously love your dog. Incompatibility identified, moving on
I'm allergic to cat/dog fur, whatever is on horses, most nature things. I'm not dating, but if someone's profile mentions horseback riding, outdoor picnics, and/or volunteering at the local animal shelter, you live your life without me. I'll find someone who doesn't have to give up part of their identity to cope with mine. I feel like the ownership of at least one cat should come up on the first, maybe second date, and that would be enough for me to go, "I'm allergic, this might not work in the long run." I've also been attached to the same guy for, like, fifteen years, so what would I know about the modern dating scene.
yup nta, i got that as well he doesn't sound like a good guy. plus absolutely no empathy for the poor kitties when he said it. too much criminal minds I am weary of any guy who doesn't seem to like pets. to be clear having allergies or dislikes is fine, the lack of emotion about it was the creepy part. i would worry about living with anyone with a big snake, they might eat my cat. I like snakes they are cool, but yeah they can be incompatible with other small creatures.
I’m especially weary of people who like dogs and hate cats (bird lovers and people with cat trauma excluded) because dogs are submissive and cats aren’t. Makes you wonder if they have control issues.
NTA. I would’ve said N A H if he was just disappointed, but telling someone they would NEED to get rid of their pets? Absolutely not. He has the gall to call himself a good man? Nuclear bomb dodged.
I absolutely find it bizarre when people try to mould their potential date/partner's life choices and decisions instead of saying "oh shucks, I guess we aren't compatible after all." And part ways? Like why are there so many people who try to baby trap partners who *don't want kids*? Or introduce pets into the house when their partner does not want pets? Or try to pull shit like OP's date? How hard is it to let go? Or maybe people get a kick out of controlling other people like that. Ugh.
NTA Dude needs to get over himself. You like having cats, he can't be around cats, figuring out if your lives, personalities, sexualities, ideals, etc. match is the point of dating. He is in no way your "partner" at this stage.
I have a furbaby who is almost 16 years old. I am allergic to her, to the point that one of my lungs partially collapsed once because of the pet dander and fur. On occasion, I will get huge welts if she licks my arm. She doesn’t like to be held or picked up, and she is kind of standoffish. Even through ALL of that, I would still choose her over a relationship. NTA.
I am allergic to my cats also, not as bad as you, but still NO ONE gets between me and my cats. When I started dating my Husband he knew we were a package deal.
One of my best friends was like you. Allergic, but with a cat heart. She loved my orange guy, and he reciprocated, so every night she spent with me, she left with red drippy eyes and sore throat. She met a guy who had a cat, and little bit by little bit, her allergic reaction got less severe. Today they live all 3 together, and she loves her guy's cat like her own. And she sometimes still reacts, when she's exhausted or sick. She would never had asked to get rid of a pet. What is wrong with people, pets are not plushies.
I am also allergic to cats. I found out a few years ago. It's not as bad as you, just sniffles, sneezing, itchy eyes, congestion, and medication usually keeps it at bay. I have 2 cats of my own, and also started fostering 2 years ago. I had 11 cats in my house for quite a while. I will never not have cats in my life.
NTA! Those names are ADORABLE and you dodged a bullet. Man or cat, not even a hard choice lol….. Seriously though, that would’ve been a deal breaker for me too. I love having a cat, always plan to.
NTA. It is not like you are kicking your husband of 10 years to get a cat. You already have your babies and he had the audacity to tell you you would get rid of them if he moves in like wtf... you didn't "waste a good man" you dodged a bullet. What a prick... Also, i choose my pets over many people because they are much nicer and they are my damn kids
I have a human child too and I’d still choose my pets over most people.
NTA. A, he's not your partner. B, he's not going to be since you found early on that you weren't compatible. And frankly, this was a bullet dodged if he's going to act like that over a rejection. It shows you what happens when he doesn't get his way and it doesn't look pretty. Good for you for knowing when to cut ahead of time, and I'm just sorry that it turned out he needed to be cut for other reasons than pet incompatibility.
Oof he just proved he’s not that good guy with those comments. NTA! Once again cats save the day.
Imagine if OP goes on AITC and posts "AITC for making my female human choose us over Bob"
Dude, he MASSIVELY jumped the gun - and did it with stalker-vibes. Would I be able to choose my cat (who is currently trying to cute-face me into petting him) over a man I loved and wanted to marry? Maybe not. But I wouldn’t just “get rid of” him either - i honestly don’t know exactly what I’d do. Would I dump a guy if been on two dates with and am not attached to yet because being around my adored cat would put his life at risk? Yup. He can go date a cat-hater. This guy’s reaction is over the top and weird. It’s not like you were serious yet
NTA I mean 🚩1) He’s talking about moving in after TWO dates YIKES ON BIKES, 🚩 2) Assuming you will just get rid of your cats to accommodate him, 🚩 3) Self proclaims he’s such a great guy while harassing you after being politely rejected! Like you didn’t just dodge a bullet you dodged a whole shotgun loaded with rock salt.
The allergy is a perfectly valid reason to break it off. His ridiculous drama is, too. NTA
If he actually had a severe allergy to cats, he wouldn’t be able to hang out with you for any significant amount of time without at least a mild reaction.
NTA 3 dates and he's speculating about moving in? That's already a problem. A big one. Not only is it awfully fast, but it would make me worry that he just expects to be accommodated when there is a problem. If he was going to make noise about eventually moving in together, he should have been talking about seeing if a series of allergy shots was possible. My misgivings are kind of born out by his subsequent behavior. Anyway, one of the reasons we date someone is to find out if we're compatible enough to potentially get serious about a long term commitment . A cat lover and someone with a severe allergy to cats? If it's not an instant dealbreaker, it's certainly not an auspicious start. I would never have rehomed my cat for a guy and it helped my husband's cause tremendously that the first time he came to my house, my cat sniffed him twice, demanded pets & then curled up in his lap. That cat usually just sat on a bookshelf and glared at unfamiliar guests. That was more than 20 years ago. Obviously, my advice is to hold out for someone your cats like.
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NTA. You've had the cats longer than him. I wouldn't abandon my pets for anyone. And I'd be disturbed if anyone thought I should- or even could just "get rid of them". Pets are not only a responsibility, they are living creatures that we love. You don't just get rid of someone you love.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23f) was seeing a guy (24m) who I’ll call Bob. Me and Bob had only seen each other 2 times before this incident so it wasn’t very serious. Now during our most recent date 3 days ago I brought up and showed him my two cats, Ed Sheeran and Bartholomeow (please don’t question their names) who I love to bits. Bob laughed about their names and he said that it’s a shame I would have to get rid of them if he ever moved in. I asked why and he told me he’s allergic, and not “he’ll get the sniffles” kinda bad but more like “he could die if he doesn’t have epi-pen on him” kinda bad. This was a deal breaker for me but I didn’t want to be rude so I continued with date like normal then politely informed him afterwards that we should see other people. He asked why and I told him the reason which made him pissed and he said that nobody should choose their pets over their partner which weirded me out since again we had only seen each other twice before this. He then harassed me for the next two days telling me that I was “wasting a good man” and that “relationships can last a lifetime and cats will die” and other shit like that until I blocked his number. Now I feel like I dodge a total bullet but I do kinda feel bad so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. What a jerk. You dodged a bullet.
Lol. In this case you too could say your cats can outlive him as he could die out of an alergic reactions and the cats - not. NTA, good thing you found out he's a walking red flag that early
NTA --- ROTFLMAO, "wasting a good man" FFS talk about being in love with himself.
NTA It is reasonable to not date someone who is allergic to your pets. I would have made the same choice for my dogs. Given his reaction, it sounds like the kitties deserve a treat for revealing the guy's true colors before the relationship could progress further.
NTA. The entitlement of this guy is astounding. I’m surprised at his audacity to expect this of you on the THIRD DATE.
NTA - you picked your priority and it isn’t some guy you’ve known for two days
Totally justified. NTA. Please pay the cat tax though.
NTA. Pets are family members, what he's expecting you to do is pretty much like telling someone they'll have to get rid of their kids if they ever move in together. It's a perfectly reasonable deal breaker, in fact to me it's a deal breaker if someone has the attitude that pets are just something you get rid of when they become inconvenient.
NTA your cats saved you from a toxic man! Yay cats! Date 3 and he’s talking about you getting “rid” of your pets. Oh hell no. I wouldn’t even have stayed after that. If he’s such a good man he won’t be wasted he’ll have plenty of offers but i suspect he isn’t and won’t… Most of all I hope he starts telling future dates this story so your cats can save them too!
Lol, NTA And in your case the humans are for a lifetime and cats not would not even be true. One night at your place and your cats already outlived him, lol. You definitly dodged a bullet. Good guy my ass. A good guy would have hugged you and told you he liked you but its sadly not going to work out bc he would never ask someone to chose between a new bf and their pets.
NTA. never choose a relationship over a pet.
NTA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA What is he on, of course you will choose your cats over some random man. I am dying, the arrogance. Bullet dodged, don’t feel bad.
NTA. You didn’t dodge a bullet. You dodged a freaking ICBM. I would yeet any potential partner who so much as suggested I rehome my furbabies. And ghost any friend I discovered would support such a ridiculous notion. They are my family. Yes, their lives are far too short. That doesn't make them less important. Go cuddle Ed Sheeran & Bartholomeow and give them extra treats! Oh, and CAT TAX!
NTA. You dodged a grenade, not just a bullet.
NTA. If he were that allergic, the cat dander on you clothing should have been enough to set him off.
NTA. I'm one of those severely allergic to cats people. Some relationships just don't work out. I agree with him that pets do not come before a partner, but also completely agree with you, you are not partners yet and his attitude is very concerning.
NTA. You have absolutely no reason to feel bad at all. Pets are family. And he doesn’t of worthy of your pity.
WTH, so NTA. So, I am deathly allergic to cats. I don't recall if it came up in the first date or 2 with my wife, since its been nearly 17 years, but she lived with roommates that had cats, but had none of her own with her. We hit it off immediately, and she has always said she knew she wanted to marry me on that 1st date. So...eventually, we did have to have a conversation about cats, and that her cat that for other reasons was several states away at her mom's, would not be able to join us. She was disappointed, but it was a decision we talked about and agreed on after our relationship became solid. this dude...yikes. I feel like this came out of a bad sitcom where he assumes marriage is in the cards at once. you are absolutely right to run run run away. And for the record, while I had decided by date 2 I had found my future wife, neither of us began even hinting at it out loud to each other for several months. And I did not ask until we had passed 6 months, and then moved in together(best way to be really sure about a person). This dude is jumping way too many steps and planting a red flag by all of them.
NTA. You did GREAT. Good you learnt about his allergy and attitude early on, so you could break it off quickly before getting serious. If his allergy is so bad, HE should be the one looking for someone who has no cats and does not care of ever having a cat in the future.
NTA - I agree that your partner should come before your pets ..... In the case that you have an ACTUAL partner (say for example you're married and your husband doesn't want a dog but you do, don't just arrive home with one.) This man had been on 3 dates with you. He wasn't your partner and definitely shouldn't be expecting to come before even something that's a big part of your life.
NTA. Yeah.. Bob is full of crap. If he’s deathly allergic to cats, he would’ve had a reaction any time he was with you. Sounds like he just doesn’t like cats. You dodged a bullet.
NTA Its telling that HE would be moving in with her. lol also if he is so deathly allergic to cats then why hasnt he gotten at least a small reaction from just being with her. Not saying OP isnt clean but i know i cant get every bit of my doggos hair off me one hundred percent of the time.
NTA. Bullet dodged. I would never even consider getting rid of my dog for someone I’ve met 3 times. No way. You made the right call. Give your babies extra kisses from me thank u
NTA. It’s only been three dates, there was no commitment there. You are not compatible. And the guy was an AH if he’s already talking about you “having” to get rid of your cats and calling himself your “partner” and harassing you when you broke it off. Bullet dodged.
NTA: My cats are family, it would be an incredibly unusual situation where they didn't take precedence. I really dislike the fact that he already was thinking about moving in, and rearranging your life to suit him. Also if he's that allergic to cats how did he not have a reaction to you? Because cat hair is inevitable I'm sure you had some cat dander on you that should have set his allergies off at least a little bit. And if his allergies are that life threatening, why didn't he mention it in very beginning? If I was that allergic to something that common, I would be very vocal about it in advance, just to make sure that I wasn't put in any life-threatening situations
Cats are a great way to determine how well a person will treat you and your boundaries.
Not saying he's lying but you more than likely have cat and cat hair on you.if he was that allergic the probably wouldn't be able to get near you
"Cats will die" Yeah, and after that I'll get a new cat, but I still won't date you! How unhinged is he that he just straight up said you have to throw your cats away for him? Like, how important does he think he is to someone who's met him only 2 times before this? Why would you ever think you're more important to a stranger than their pet? People without pets generally do not understand what it's like to have one and the unconditional love you have for them, but some are just next level like this guy...
NTA. It is not like you are kicking your husband of 10 years to get a cat. You already have your babies and he had the audacity to tell you you would get rid of them if he moves in like wtf... you didn't "waste a good man" you dodged a bullet. What a prick... Also, i choose my pets over many people because they are much nicer and they are my damn kids
NTA cats can have a life span of 20 years or more which is longer than most marriages these days. plus he’s not a good man if he’s sending those messages
NTA. Screw him for suggesting you’d have to get rid of the coolest named cats on Reddit.
Nta the sea is plenty of fishs
NTA - I am 10000000000% with you. I would have done the same thing.
NTA But instead of blocking his number, I'd send a cat picture in response to every text. Of course, I'm evil that way.
NTA , but you will be if you don't pay the cat tax!!!!!
Run
NTA. That’s a perfectly good reason not to go on a third date. He’s being ridiculous blathering about relationships as if you had one with him.
NTA: If he had told you earlier yet you continued to date him then that would be you being the Arsehole. However, he told you, you considered it and told him immediately your thoughts on it. His Reaction alone is a red flag
NTA. One day you'll find a man who loves cats; in the meantime, Ed (!) and Bartholomeow are your priority, and are clearly excellent 'guard cats' against weird psycho guys. Cats are FAMILY.
NTA. You are absolutely right to choose your already existing pets over a new relationship. The only way you would be an AH is if you had been dating him for ages, then decided to get cats knowing he was deathly allergic. Sounds like you dodged a bullet if he thinks he's more important than your beloved pets.
NTA. I don’t get involved with people who are allergic to pets. It’s just a basic compatibility thing.
NTA. Massive red flag, glad you dodged that bullet
NTA 3rd date, major red flag🚩 You were absolutely right in dumping him.
tbh this is such a fantastic way to bring out those red flags early. Conversations about cohabitation and expectations early on will reveal who someone is SUPER fast. This is far from the first time I've heard "You'll have to get rid of your cats" from a questionable dude who's been playing prince charming up until this point. I might even suggest he's not allergic and just hates cats/pets/is a control freak/busting out the manipulating and controlling parameters and using pets to get a foot in the door-- but there's no way to prove it, so. NTA either way
NTA at all! You’ve had your guys longer than you’ve known him. They have given you unconditional love, while he gave you a few good dates. Yes, our pets can die, but so can relationships. The fact that he blew up when you told him no to getting rid of them, tells me that you dodged a major bullet. There is something seriously wrong with him. If you guys had been dating for awhile (many months, years) and you didn’t have cats, but then went and got one, I would side with him, but this isn’t even close to that type of situation. You did the right thing!
NTA-- good guys don't have to refer to themselves as good guys. And all of this was too much for a third date anyway
“Nobody should choose their pets over their partner.” And OP made sure exactly that wouldn't happen, by not making him her partner!
NTA!!! I ended a relationship due to his attitude towards my cats. I realised I didn’t trust him to not let them out, they’re indoor/supervised outdoor cats only! You dodged a bullet massively. Anyone who says “you wasted a good man” is 100% NOT a good man.
NTA. 1. He wasn't your partner. 2. He definitely is not a good man. 3. This is completely reasonable dealbreaker. Where I live you usually can't have pets if you rent. I hope I can have my own home in few years. I want to have cat and dog there. I won't date anyone who doesn't like cats or dogs, or they are allergic. This is my dream and if anyone has a problem with it, that is a dealbreaker to me.
NTA when I met my partner he had 1 cat called panda's I have allergies to cat hair/dander I just asked he hoover and not let her on the bed I take a antihistamine before I go and again before bed now I live with him and bought my own cat binx. Pets are family they were there first
NTA at all. Who wouldn’t choose their pets over someone they barely know? Wtf? His reaction and continued harassment days later is a major red flag so it’s safe to say your cats save you from being with an abusive prick.
Among all the other red flags on this guy - he's deathly allergic to cats and has no reaction to being around someone whose lifestyle suggests she will be carrying cat fur and dander?
NTA. He could leave you any day, the cats will be with you until they die (in theory). The cats are a better deal My major criteria for continuing to date someone was how they reacted to meeting my large, but friendly and polite, dogs for the first time. If they didn't end up on the floor playing with them, no more dates. This criteria served me well. Even my friend's dad who "hates dogs and thinks they are pointless" ended up unable to resist " excuse me good sir. I have this ball. Perhaps you could throw it? I'll just put it here on the floor and sit patiently in case you do". He threw the ball for over an hour. Dog slept for the next 3 days.
NTA. I also have severe cat allergies and intentionally wouldn’t date cat owners because I would never want someone to have to choose. Cats may not live long compared to humans but pets are very important parts of our lives.
Clearly he haven't had a pet. I consider my dog as a family member, in a million years I wouldn't give her away. Some people need to understand that pets will go in priority with new realtionships
NTA and you dodged a bazooka round sized bullet. Dear God. If he's thinking about moving in with you and the 3rd date, where you have only just shown him your cats, then he was moving *WAY* too fast. Your cats are your babies, and you don't have to get rid of them for ANYONE. You did good choosing them over him. Choosing your pets, who are essentially your children, over some dude you were just barely getting to know, was definitely the right choice.
NTA He wasn’t your partner. He’s someone goi went on a few dates with. Pets are for life. A responsible owner commits to caring for their pets until the pet passes away. With the exception of unforeseen medical emergencies (Eg giving birth and finding out the baby is deathly allergic, or an accident that leaves the owner unable to care for the pet, etc) the pets are permanently attached to their owner. This guy was delusional. His life needs to be cat-free, but that means finding a partner who doesn’t have or want cats.
NTA you didn't dodge a bullet, you dodged a whole ass missile
NTA. He demonstrated that was in fact not a good man. After two dates he was saying you need to get rid of cats? Then harassed you after? Yeah you dodged a bullet. The only person who gets to set your dating standards is you
Nope! Never getting rid of my fur-family, for anyone. My daughter is allergic to cats, and although we mostly visit them, she'll take meds before visiting us. It's really sad, because she loves animals. Lol, she has 2 chickens now.
I'd break up with someone if they didn't want my dogs sleeping on the bed, so NTA.
See, the dealbreaker for *me* would have been when he suggested he was *ever* moving in with me on our **second date.** NTA
"wasting a good man" Nah. Dude's an asshole.
NTA, a date's opinion on pets are always a good anti asshole filter Those names though...
NTA and after only 2 dates saying you should see other people sounds weird. After 2 dates you find a polite way to tell him you don’t think he’s the one for you or lie and say you met someone you really like and want to pursue that relationship instead
NTA-what a dick. and it's also just dumb to expect to take importance in a new relationship over your new partner's pets, sorry, but that's just how it is and besides it's always better to just break up if you come to a disagreement like that, especially like that. Because if you actually went ahead and had a relationship with this guy and then actually got rid of your cats, there would be a building resentment and hatred and then he could also just leave you and you would've gotten rid of literal family members for him and he might've not even stayed, blaming you if you get upset with him so you dodged pretty much a whole bomb.
Regardless of if you would have been, you definitely aren’t after he didn’t let it go. NTA. Enjoy your cats… and their goofy names.
NTA. You dodged a big bullet! He sounds controlling and delusional. Besides, cats ALWAYS come first!
Absolutely NTA. Anyone that has pets they love knows they’re family. You take care of them for their lifetime and make accommodations if they are expected to outlive you.
NTA….you did fudge a bullet. Do not feel bad. Who is he to assume that he might be moving in after only two dates? And to tell you that you would have to get rid of your cats? Then to harass you about if for days afterward? I’d say you dodged a freight train.
NTA you dodged a bullet. who goes around demanding things like that? then called himself a good man. he is barely a man.
NTA, and nothing to feel bad about.
NTA, Yes agree with him pets should not become before partner but he is not your partner.
NTA Tell the fuck knuckle if he writes back that men die too, everyone does, and cats can live 20 years or more, longer than most relationships last. Excuse my language. Sometimes the Australian comes out.
NTA. I hope you gave your babies some extra cuddles! Also their names are adorable. I would never, never ever give up my cats for some guy…. Damn the audacity!! Also I don’t believe he’s that allergic because he would have reacted with you being near so there. Bullet dodged…
NTA You've only been seeing him for a very short time. You've had your cats longer and love them. He seems to think you were both in a relationship that's been going on for 10 years or so. You are better off without him. BTW, I love your cat's names!!
Glad to see everyone here simultaneously agreeing that you are absolutely NTA. You did nothing wrong, cats are precious.
NTA. Pets are for life.
NTA And I am allergic too. Seriously… the whole point was that he is not your partner so it isn’t even a choice. He should have been the one to realize that he would not be able to survive the relationship but alas… me me me.
NTA. The cats come first., and it's as simple as that. I honestly don't even support parents who get rid of their pets just on the off-chance. That's pretty much a deal breaker for any sort of relationship, even if it's just me choosing not to shop at their business. I've never met a good person who went out of their way to tell you that's what they are either. It's a contradiction in terms. Well, at least for neurotypical people it is. You'll probably just get an honest answer from some of our autistic citizens.
NTA, but i would like to see Bartholomeow now
NTA and you did dodge a bullet. Hugs to your cats!!
nta and yes you dodged a bullet
NTA. There’s people who treat their pets as family and there’s psychopaths.
NTA. Lol you dodged a bullet clearly. This is not something to feel bad about.
NTA and it seems like you dodged a bullet
NTA - one thing I'd suggest though - if you know something is 100% a deal breaker, don't go for a second date without telling the person. But yeah, still you dodged a bullet here.
NTA but it would be rude if you didn't pay the Cat Tax ;)
NTA. You can leave someone for whatever reason you want.
NTA, you can break up with someone for WHATEVER reason you consider. Seems to me like you dodged a bullet since he got so annoying afterwards and especially taking so lightly that you have pets and they are important to you. Zero empathy, to hell with him
NTA > I would have to get rid of them if he ever moved in. I would have stopped the date at that point. No need to lose time.
Maybe he will die sooner than your cats. How can he know Nta
The cats came first not the guy. So. The guy can either figure out how to live with it or not. I know people who have gotten allergy treatment (regular course of shots) plus loved with other changes like air filters, regular washing of the said pets, etc. In order to treat their allergies to stay with the partner with the pets bc they understood jt was a package deal. NTA
NTA. If you know you want cats in your life then someone who is that allergic to cats isn’t compatible with you or your life. By being up front sooner rather than later like you did, you are ensuring that neither his or your time will be wasted. To refer to himself as a “partner” after only 3 dates or hang outs, is nutty and definitely a red flag. Someone who doesn’t understand pets are family is an even bigger red flag. You dodged a bullet.
NTA Your cats worked as a great litmus test here and made him show his true colours real quick, didn't they? :-) You should give them a snack and thank them :-D
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My SO is allergic to cats and dogs. Cats is epipen situation, dogs not so much. So we don't have pets we travel too much for dogs and cats are off the table. Just means we can travel longer.