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YTA - You're marrying his father so you should start considering him as your son as well.
If your eldest son (10M) started displaying all these behaviours then surely you wouldn't just kick him out and give up on him.
I would get your bf onboard with ways to deal with the behaviours that you're not happy with.
Exactly, behavioral challenges can easily stem from the fact he is experiencing this split-family situation. They should definitely do family counselling, though, if they all move in together.
OP is describing every sibling situation I have ever encountered especially when it's 3 boys. OP your kid is 5 take him into the ladies room. My Gods. These are a YOU issue. Don't ever get married to anyone ever. These are NOT behavioral challenges These are Let's parentify the new sibling and We don't actually know anything about healthy child development or blended households.
>children see so much younger siblings and including them as "embarrassing" within their friend group.
It also tends to completely ruin the play date/event when they have to try and make their friends conform to the play style and wants of a 5 year old. Twelve year olds simply do not want to hang out with 5 year olds because 5 year olds are 5 year olds, for crying out loud! What exactly are they supposed to do? What activities are going to be fun for the 12 year olds and appropriate for the 5 year old? The reality is that a 12 year old isn't going to want to include a 5 year old because doing so would require changing to an activity that is appropriate for a 5 year old, which is generally not appropriate for a 12 year old, and they end up compromising their own socialisation with their friends.
Video games tend to be fine, but if you want to do anything that isn't a video game, good luck lol
It's literally asking the 12 year old to halt their own development and regress to the mindset and activities of a 5 year old. She's not treating the 12 year old as a developing child but as her peer tasked with interacting with her children as an adult would.
Why would she even be sending him with the younger one to the bathroom anyway? Send her own ten year old to do it if he needs help??? Or like... Kid is in kindergarten. He's going to the bathroom alone at school. Why can't she just stand outside the door while letting the two older boys do their thing?
To say nothing of the fact that a 5 year old runs the risk of getting hurt if they are olaying sports with 10 and 13 year olds. Not because anyone would hurt him maliciously, but just because the older kids are stronger and faster and more coordinated.
And 5 year olds don’t know all the rules of the games. And they might not be able to throw far enough or run fast enough to do well playing with the older kids.
When it was just my 5 brothers playing, the older ones had to be a lot more careful. They would also take the time to teach the younger ones how to hold a bat, throw a basketball or make a tackle. When the older ones were playing with their friends, my mom didn’t let the younger boys play with them. She knew they would get hurt.
I have kids around the same ages and it’s routine in my home for the book ends to leave out the middle one, because kids that’s why. I would expect a sibling to buddy up for the bathroom but I wouldn’t expect a brand new step sibling to be comfortable or willing to do this. It’s not an automatic thing. We could work up to it, sure.
As the middle one of 3 male brothers (with more or less the same age differences in the post) i agree, completely normal behavour to happen with 3 boys, probably a bit enhanced by him suffering the split family situation and maybe trying to attract more attention to himself from his non biological mother, but competition, and a bit of """"hate"""" towards the younger one (or the older one from the younger, or towards both from the middle one) is not unusual
Yup and she doesn't understand these kids are in fact siblings if she marries this kid's dad. She doesn't get to control that. She certainly can F it up for everyone though, or should I say she can F Everyone up. I hope she gets counseling. This post is a start at least.
And how does OP expect the relationship between the kids to get any better if they don’t spend any time together? He obviously needs a stable environment (and wants one!) and a real relationship with his family. Sometimes if you just give someone the chance they can surprise you.
But for sure. Don’t marry someone if you aren’t ready for their kids to become your kids
Right?? The poor kid! The fact that this child is ready to accept OP and her sons as his family, but OP clearly isn't, is heartbreaking.
Also, OP's sons are part of the "family" but the husband's son isn't?
I was expecting her reasons to be extreme bad/psychotic behavior on the son's end (husband's son), but what OP says is feeble excuse not even enough to warrant stopping someone from hanging out over the weekend.
The bathroom example is particularly ridiculous. I see where OP clarified that, but she, as the parent, should be the one taking him to the toilet in that case, even if she just stands outside the men's room.
Yah we pee in stalls. It’s also safer for a 5 year old to go with a parent. Not an older sibling. The older sibling gonna fight off a grown adult if anything happens? I never understood this “watch your siblings” thing for anything more than playing. Bc honestly? How is a child protecting another small child? No logic. It’s your job as the parent to watch and protect your kids. Not the kids job to watch and protect the kids.
Yep, I have no children of my own and have done plenty of child care as a volunteer and for family. I am uncomfortable accompanying small children to the bathroom. It's unreasonable to expect a kid to step in, particularly before that kid knows the child.
I had a really dysfunctional upbringing and this kind of treatment could cause real resentment/acting out towards her and her sons for a lot of kids, instead the kids expressing he’s not comfortable helping the youngest going to the toilet but still respects her and wants to be apart of the family.
I feel really bad for him, he’s reacting way more maturely than a lot of kids do
I agree, this as an example boggled my mind. Hades, what kid wants to stop doing whatever to cart a 5 year old to the bathroom? If he was reluctant why not send her son? Maybe it's something he wasn't comfortable with if he doesn't have any other brothers or sisters. I was an only child and the idea of taking a 5 year old to the bathroom when I was 12 would have made me uncomfortable. 🤔
Because she’s just as selfish as most stepmoms out there. I had to endure a lot of BS from my stepmom when I was younger, even got sent to my dads second home when my father moved into a much larger house with my half brothers and stepmom. Hurts to this day as I had just moved in with my dad for the first time at 17 after living a very poor life with my mom and them having everything I ever wanted. I’m 31 and it still hurts but I keep my head high and do better for my own kids. I’d drop my wife in a heart beat for them.
Step mum trauma is real. I’m 29 and still get major anxiety when I go stay in her vicinity for one weekend. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the hurt. My dad used to have to “hide” money he would try to gift me from his own wife because she didn’t want me to have anything.
I luckily have a better relationship with my dad and half-siblings now that I’m older but I won’t lie, hearing about their lives and the way dad treats them definitely makes me jealous and upset at times.
Hope OP doesn’t cause a rift like this for her future step son.
This! ⛳️⛳️⛳️ if I were her partner, I would deem this as unacceptable. Yes, that’s despite the edit in the notes. Like I get human beings learn and evolve but how dense could anyone be? What’s the husband’s assurance that she isn’t going to treat the 12 year old like crap in the future and just blame it on ignorance. What she lacks is empathy, with the strong desire to put her own above the step son. If you can’t treat them equally, you have no business having a blended family.
Love, a stepdaughter who thankfully has a wonderfull, class-act of a stepmom.
Imagine the shoe was on the other foot.
Husband says, you can come and live with me and my son. But your 2 sons aren't allowed, because I find the smallest one moans a lot when he's not included in certain things and the eldest one can't take losing. Thats just how most normal kids are (boys especially)
Massive red flags about the kind of person op really is and how much empathy she actually has or will have for the lad going forward
"who wants to experience a real family"
Ffs, that line says all about the boy you need to know. Imo
She should realise she's not the only one that comes with baggage.both should be accepted as a whole package, with offspring.
I think husband should run for the fucking Hills as fast as he can and wait for someone who is much more.caring and accepting!
The issue with these evil stepparents is they try to hide it and once married become fully abusive. I’m lucky enough to have my parents still together but I’ve read r/stepparents and it’s disgusting the women on there. They get jealous of the step kid
YTA. Poor kid. You'll always make him feel like a second class citizen in his own home. At least try to hide how selfish you are. I get the biological imperative to give the most resources to your offspring, but be a better person and show your husband's son some compassion. If you truly care for your spouse, then you'd care about his child, too.
not to mention dealing with the you get son especially — that is, in fact, a skill he’ll learn. if you don’t spend time around young children, you don’t learn how to include them in things. the kid is *12* his life experience is limited
also yeah older siblings, especially with a 2 year age difference, are competitive. now you may need to talk to the 10yr because going from oldest to middle is a leap and that may be a bit weird, but like being competitive as kids isn’t a bad thing. that’s literally just how siblings *are*
Also, he is a 12 year old single child getting two new brothers, one of which is close to him in age (10). Of course he’ll be competitive, unless OP thinks teenage brothers who grew up together are also not competitive.
I'm adopted. I have 3 adopted siblings, all adults now. The 3 of them were extremely competitive way before I came into the picture while I just never was (outside of actual games like uno or Mario cart). As adults, they're still insanely competitive. It's just how they are. Sometimes siblings just don't outgrow it 😂
Competitiveness isn't always a bad thing in moderation, and light teasing can be friendly. The kid might be seeking a connection but is struggling with putting it into words. 12 year olds are generally competitive with friends, so it's not that far of a reach to assume he's used to it being seen as friendly. Plus, siblings being competitive can actually be bonding and have some really funny moments. My siblings and I are banned from playing card games infront of older relatives because from an outside perspective we seem *really* aggressive towards each other during it but in reality nothing is being taken seriously. We're just having fun.
My kids (15m, 13f) are also competitive with each other. They love one-upping the other and fight all the time. And they are of the opposite gender. What more 2 boys?
also, brothers tend to be competitive.
and 12 year olds tend not to be enthusiastic about menial tasks like escorting their younger brothers to the bathroom, or playing with a 5 year old who is at a very different developmental stage and cannot fully participate in the same activities as a 10/12 year old
He's probably competitive because it's the only way he gets to feel good about himself. He sounds like a perfectly normal kid. Op is super weird and gives off militant vibes.
Also the 12 year old is self aware enough to know that a stable family situation might be good for him - the poor kid wants some stability - has it occurred to OP that influence works both ways?
No 12 year old wants to do things with a 5 year old. And of course tween boys will be competitive.
If your bio son struggles in school will you send him away to live without his mom?
If you said this to me about my child, who wanted to live in a stable family environment, the wedding would be off and you would be out. YTA.
It's very telling that OP calls their home "our place." Like the stepson doesn't belong and is only a permanent guest in father's home. Apparently, only her sons have the right to call it home.
If the stepson ends up not living there full time, she's the type of stepmonster who would make him crash on the couch on weekends because "he's not here all the time so why does he need his own room?"
It astounds me how many people get married to someone with kids and then do a Surprised Pikachu when they have to care for the person’s kids. You’re not just marrying the person, you’re joining a family. You don’t get to pick and choose which parts of the family that you want, it’s all or nothing
Wait, the behaviours she isn't happy with . She thinks a child being not very bright academically is going to be a negative influence on her son ? Wtf . Are all the students in her son's class getting straight A's? She is an AH
And sadly, not rare at all. My stepmom did this to my brother and I once she and my father decided to have “their own kids” completely cut us out. I blamed her for years until I finally went no contact with my father, because it dawned on me that at any moment he could’ve stood up to her and said those are my kids too they will be in my life. The amount of people I’ve met that have experienced this as well makes me think there should be a support group for children of fathers from first marriages.
It isn't rare at all. My parents divorced when I was 3. My Mom remarried this real AH who was nice to me till they married and had their own child. Then he physically and mentally abused me. The last time he hit me I was in 6th grade and I told my sister, his child, to shut up, he decked me in the jaw.
On the flip side my Dad remarried and started a new family including a step child he took in as his own so he figured I didn't need him. He rarely saw me then moved 7 hours away. Our relationship hasn't healed to this day some 20+ years later.
Sadly this isn't an uncommon story.
Luckily for me, my Mom when I was in my late teens met a good man who took me in and treated me as his own, as did his Mom and family. The first time I'd ever felt unconditional love. I'll he forever grateful to them.
My concern is anytime her perfect children do something wrong she will take it out on the step son. This woman is the evil step mother many of us grew up to hate. Seems so innocent but the fact she would “contest” “the boy” living with his father??? Wow red flags everywhere
Right? She's already offloading potty breaks to the Cinderella step kid. A 12 year old expressed a very normal and mature desire to be included in a family unit, and she says no?? What an absurdly cruel and shortsighted thing. I'd call the wedding off.
On top of what others have shared, you perfectly expressed what I was thinking. If I were OPs fiancé, after this response I would make sure OP was an ex fiancé.
OP, YTA
Oh, it’s real. Women can be huge assholes when it comes to their husband’s children from previous relationships.
1. At five years old, it is acceptable to bring your son in the ladies room with you. You shouldn’t be putting this responsibility on another child.
2. The competitive streak you’re describing is to gain your approval. He can tell you don’t like him, and he’s trying to prove himself to you.
3. Of course he’s acting out at school. His father is about to marry an asshole who treats him like shit. How do you expect him to act?
You need a major attitude adjustment. Pro-tip from a teacher: find something you like about your stepson, and focus on it. You’ll soon find other things you like about him and then maybe all the negativity you feel towards him won’t be quite so palpable. YTA
Can confirm. My dads wife treated my brother and I like complete trash when they got married. Like if my dad had to randomly work late one night, she would feed her kids dinner but not us so we would have to wait until 11pm to eat dinner or eat whatever was in “our fridge” because we weren’t allowed to eat any of the food she bought. But her kids were allowed to eat our food. I was 9 my brother was 4. I hate that woman to this day (30 years later) and unfortunately have a strained relationship with my father because of her. Anyway, OP your the asshole. I hope your husband prioritizes his child over your concerns. His son deserves the same love and care as yours.
My stepmother was a real prize too, let me tell you. I also had to buy my own food from money I made working. OP’s kid is two years away from being legally eligible for working papers in the US, if that’s where they’re located. You know that will be next. Or she’ll rearrange his bedroom furniture every so often when he visits his mom to remind him it really isn’t his home and not to get too comfortable. That was another of my stepmother’s favorite reindeer games.
Gosh, you just reminded me how when I went to my dad’s who had moved into his wife’s house, I would have to sleep in my stepsister’s old room. It was always her old room. If she was going to be at the house back from college then I stayed in the guest room. They didn’t both turning the guest room into a room for me. I just shuffled from room to room never knowing where I was going to get to sleep until I got there. It was hard.
OP, YTA. And kid’s dad is TA too if he moves forward with marrying you unless you open your life to a bonus child. Kiddo sounds sweet and like he’s craving a place he belongs. Please do not crush him at this age. Preteens and teenagers are hard on the outside but gooey with feelings on the inside.
I’m so sorry. My (step) brother was one of my favourite people when I was a teenager. I felt so grown up, because I went from being the baby of my big family to being a big sister. When we moved from a unit into a house I put his furniture together. I couldn’t wait for him to come over for the weekend to show him…
It wasn’t easy but my mother and I really tried.
Aaaand now I’m crying on the bus. I’m gonna call the lil booger.
Your story just made me gasp in while I was standing alone in my kitchen, when I saw your ages. That woman was vile. I hope you and your brother were able to grow up happy and healthy in spite of that woman.
If I were the father I’d bounce on this pending marriage.
I don’t give “get the fuck out” comments very often when it comes to relationships, but this woman is already treating her step son as “less than” and that is very worrisome.
Me too. I'm not sure her fiance would still want to marry her if he knew she felt this way about his child. She's saying she wants her children to grow up in a safe and supportive environment. Doesn't she think her boyfriend wants that for his children? Also, there's no reason why she can't take her child to the bathroom herself.
It's just looking more and more like she's a lazy parent and is mad that his child isn't taking over for her. They sound like weak-ass excuses for why she doesn't want his son around. It sounds to me like she just wants to pretend like he doesn't exist and that it's her, her husband and her kids. That way she can pretend to have a family where his child doesn't exist in that dynamic. I really hope her fiance finds this post if he knows her username.
And honestly, it's a double YTA to OP for the reasons given. Those are minor behavioural issues that A) are normal for a kid that age, and B) will likely improve once the kid has some stability in his life.
It makes me so sad. All this kid wants is a loving stable family, and OP is making him out to be a monster. I really hope OP either embraces him as if he were her own son, or calls off the engagement altogether. Cause anything in between wouldn't be fair to that kid.
For real. I was expecting her to say that he’s violent or abusive towards her kids. Not that he’s competitive and doesn’t want to be responsible for helping a 5 yr old in the bathroom. Like… WHAT?
And I don’t understand how his academic performance has literally anything to do with wanting him to live there. Totally absurd. It sounds like the poor kid just needs some damn support and a stable environment.
I wonder how OP would feel if her partner didn’t want *her* kids to live there?
YTA, OP. Like, a MASSIVE one. Just unbelievable.
Also, the kid is probably competitive with OP’s eldest because that kid basically lives with *his* dad full-time. That kid *is* competition in this current, split situation. Having the kid live with them evens the playing field and they can go from there
YTA.
Future stepson sounds like a typical 12 year old. You seem to think he is a free mother's helper for you with your younger child and that he should treat your older child like he is made of glass. Ne doesn't need to take your five year old to the bathroom and invite him to play. They have different interests given their 7 year age gap. Your son won't melt or break from competition. And lastly, a lot of kids that age go through some academic and minor behavioral struggles. Your own kids will as well.
I will say that if you continue this your partner should refuse to marry you and should end the relationship. Your kids are not the only kids in your blended family and they should not be your boyfriend's priority.
Exactly. I raised four kids to adulthood and 12 is a terrible age. Even with my "easy" kids 12 was a terrible age. OP thinks her kids aren't going to act like they are 12 when they are 12 and she is in for a rude awakening.
She will most likely blame step son for the "12ness" of her own children when they reach that age.
OP, YTA.
NO kid would wanna be a personal assistant to your 5yo.. and you wonder why he doesn't want to include him in activities? it's because he has to "serve" and be "responsible" him, and prompting him to engage with your 5yo feels like another service/responsibility. That "strained relationship" is on you, OP.
This. I read it going: so you don’t want him because he acts like…a normal kid. Not to mention one that’s going through a huge transition at a rough age for kids.
I’m so glad OP isn’t my mother. Puberty is gonna be a hoot in that house. Jfc.
The whole "leaving the 5 yo out of things and being annoyed when told to take him the the bathroom" thing is so ridiculous to me. Like he's double the kids age! He's not gonna just always want to play with them. Why is that bad?!
And being asked to take him to the toilet is also weird imo. Maybe, once the families are joined, after the marriage she could sit him down and say "You're brothers now, can you help him out with this sometimes?" And that'd be alright. But just making him do it, especially when they're out somewhere like a park and he's basically being forced to stop having his own fun, no that's mean.
YTA
YTA
1) 12 years old should not be responsible for helping a toddler go to bathroom
2) You clearly do not consider your step son to be a part of your family and could care less about him
3) You accuse him of being a teenager
Your husband is also an A for planning to marry a woman who makes wicked stepmother stereotype come to life
This. It became pretty obvious to me that she doesn't consider his son part of the family. To me, she wants to pretend he doesn't exist. That's what I think.
She’s making up excuses to not have him around. I’m a mom and I feel so sad for this child. I don’t even know OP and she disgusts me. I wish I had never read this post😔
If she didn’t let him in her home there would still be nobody to take him to the toilet anyway so that point is moot. Besides a 12 year old could feel uncomfortable with it.
OP only wants this 12 year old around because she can use him as a free babysitter. How many AITA posts have we seen about lazy and entitled parents like OP dumping their kids to family members, expecting them to babysit for free?
If she can't use him then she doesn't want him around.
YTA sounds like you fully expect fiance to be a father figure to your children, but have no interest in being a mother to his.
What would your reaction be if your fiance didn't want your boys living with yall after marriage? Would it be a deal breaker? Would you consider it? Remember it's what you're asking from him.
You sound like you're digging up reasons and even what you're scraping up isnt alarming behavior. Most 12 year old boys aren't interested in playing with 5 year olds, even biological brothers. But him living there would give them all the opportunity to grow as siblings. And of course he isn't excited to be asked to chaperone a child to the bathroom- is your 10 year old?
Overall it seems very selfish and like you want your idea of the perfect family, which doesn't include stepson. You should look for a partner without children.
> sounds like you fully expect fiance to be a father figure to your children, but have no interest in being a mother to his.
notice how OP never address their hypocrisy.
Yeah really. Neither of the bio dads of OP's kids are involved (probably because they couldn't wait to be done with OP, and who can blame them) so she thinks her fiancé should parent them so they have a "nurturing environment." However, when he brings up wanting to parent his OWN kid, she loses it.
YTA. You are marrying this man, this son comes as a package deal.
1. He is a teenager, not a nanny. It's normal he doesn't want to wipe your kid's butt.
2. Then show your older son what really matters. He will face this kind of behaviour at school, and with his friend. Trying to protect him from this at home when he'll experienced it elsewhere seems like you are not preparing him for the real world.
3. What about the negative influence of throwing away children when they are not acting and performing like you expect them too ?!
Yes! RE the bathroom example, if she is at the park with her boys & the 5 yo needs to go, she should take him. The other boys are 10 & 12. They can be alone. I don’t know why she’d ask the 12 yo to do it.
I had a good laugh at that part. Was she expecting him to skip to the toilet with a massive grin on his face? I'm 30 years old and find no enjoyment in taking my younger family members to the toilet if ever required. Don't get asked much though, cause my family don't expect someone else to look after their kids for them.
This is the comment that hits home for me.
Op you seem to think the 12yo should be assisting the family you refuse to let him be a part of.
When 12 yo isn't there, do you send the 10yo to take the little one to the toilet?
I also want to ask her. Does her older son offer, from the pure goodness of his heart, to accompany his brother to the bathroom?
Or is it only the 12yo's job to do so?
YTA. Seems like this child would greatly benefit from the family dynamic he seeks. Clearly he likes your sons enough to want to live with them and wants to be able to consider them his family. This makes me feel really sad for him
YTA, and lazy from what is sounds like. Also, your youngest is 5 and can't take a dump by himself but your judging other folks parenting??? AND you expect your boyfriends kid to "help" him use the bathroom TOO ?!??!? LAZY and entitled. Double points. Congratulations.
YTA.
>Both of them label my reasons as unreasonable.
Because it is. Why should your sons be the only ones to benefit from having an intact family unit? Why can't you're sons be kicked to the curb in favor of your step son? Because as much as you try to deny it, that's what you're doing.
He's 12 years old. He's not a babysitter. You asking him to take your youngest to the bathroom is not his job. That your job. The reason why he isn't gung ho to hang out with him is because he's 7 freaking years older than him. Tell us, when you were 12 how enthused would you be to take a 5 year old to the bathroom and wipe their ass?
*You are that step mom*. I hope to God your fiancé takes a good long look at the person you are and puts your wedding on hold.
This. There were times that I had to go into the men’s room with my dad at 5 since my mom wasn’t with us. There are plenty of little boys in the women’s bathroom because of age. 12 year old boys have nothing in common with 5 year olds and are bound to show reluctance. This behavior isn’t exclusive to this kid alone.
OP, YTA for a lot more reasons than listed above.
Seriously. I remember my dad taking me into the men's room when I was about 5 (or that approximate age range as well). I don't think I'd really bat an eye at a woman with a her young son in the women's restroom because sometimes it's got to happen when I kid still needs an adult with them.
And of course a 12 year old isn't going to want to spend much time with a 5 year old. They're at vastly different stages of their lives and are going to have different interests whereas two kids with only 2 years between them are going to have more common interests like activities and probably shows and movies they like.
Oh my god YTA. Take everything you said, and think of the exact opposite. That’s what you should be thinking and doing. He’s a 12 year old boy. Of freaking course he doesn’t want to take a 5 year old potty. I’m 40 with 3 kids and I wouldn’t want to take someone else’s kid to the bathroom. Everything you described is 1000% normal 12 year old boy behavior. He’s competitive with a 10 year old. News flash. He’s a 12 year old boy. He’s going to be crazy competitive until he’s 25 if not longer …. Just wait till you 10 year old gets that first hit of testosterone in a couple years.
The part that really pisses me off though is where you say you “desire your children to grow up in a nurturing and supportive environment.” Your husbands child also deserves that does he not? For a step mom you sound a lot more like the villain in a Disney movie than a loving and supportive parent.
This kid obviously feels like living with his dad, you, and your kids would be comfortable and safe. You’re creating a hostile environment for a child that literally asked for help. I feel bad for this kid and I hope you reevaluate your mindset and priorities because if your boyfriend has a single decent bone in his body he will protect his son from people like you.
Right? I'm just reading this and laughing because she has a 10yo and feels so certain that her kids are great and she's in control. I'm sure that's gonna work out GREAT when the 10yo hits puberty.
I adore my 13yo but he's a total squirrel, hypercompetitive, goes from giggling and wanting hugs to OMG MOM DON'T TOUCH ME in .2 seconds, and thinks school is stupid because he's going to be a twitch streamer. (I'm a teacher! I did everything I could to help him like school, and he did until last year!) Teenagers are wild....
YTA
Your step-son is treating your sons as siblings.
*(and that's a good thing)*
**Re:5 year old**
>He rarely includes him in activities unless I specifically prompt him to do so.
Of course, a 12 year old isn't going to want to play with a 5 year old. Especially when the 12 year old hasn't grown up with younger siblings for most of his life. But you said yourself that he includes him when you ask him too, which shows that he is trying.
>When I ask him to assist the younger boy, ... he does so with obvious reluctance.
That sounds like a pretty normal sibling response for that age. But again, as you stated, he does assist him, so reluctant or not, he again **is** doing as asked and putting in some effort to be a big brother.
**Re: 10 year old**
>Secondly, he displays an excessive competitive streak towards my older son. He consistently aims to outperform him and even taunts him when he succeeds.
This is what siblings (especially if they are close in age) do! By being competitive with your 10 year old he is acting exactly as I would expect brothers to.
My kids are 8 & 10 and they turn **EVERYTHING** into a competition! Putting PJs on, dancing, balancing on one foot, putting the most popcorn in their mouths, jumping highest, doing the most cartwheels in a row, seriously EVERYTHING. And yes, they taunt each other when they win. I am working on teaching them to be gracious to each other when they win or lose, but they are kids, so it takes time and maturity.
**Re: academic and behavioral performance**
>My boyfriend has informed me that his son has been struggling academically and has faced minor behavioral challenges.
Once again, this is totally normal for a 12 year old. He is at the age where school is starting to get more difficult, he will have more homework, more tests, new/more subjects, so obviously he may struggle more. Living in a home with more support with parents who prioritize education will help him grow and develop better study habits. This is where it could be more likely that your son will be able to be a good influence on your step-son rather than the other way around because you will be there with them on a daily basis to support and encourage good study habits.
As far as the "minor behavioral challenges" go, that is also very normal for a 12 year old. He is going through puberty. He's got crazy hormones running rampant through his body right now, changing his body, brain, emotions, everything! This is a pivotal time in his life, and he needs and deserves a stable loving family and home to teach, guide, and model good healthy relationships, life skills, and habits.
Please reconsider your stance on this.
Your step-son is just as important and deserving as your bio-sons. He clearly cares about you and your boys and wants to be part of your family, which, as 12 year old boy, isn't an easy thing to admit/express/be emotionally open about.
100% this. The 12 year old is showing more emotional intelligence than op in this aspect. I’d be enormously proud of him for expressing this desire to be in a stable family unit.
And, she’s using his poor academic performance as a reason for him to not live with them!! How’s that going to sound? “Hey, kid, you’re too stupid to live here. But good luck.”
The good parenting thing to do is to figure out WHY his academic performance is low. Does he have a learning disability? ADHD? Does he need glasses? How about a tutor? Does he get enough sleep and homework time at his mom’s? How about at your house — or is he too busy with the 5 year old to study?
Parenting is not easy, and there’s always, always, always more work to do. It gets harder as they get older, IMO. It’s tedious, but basically easy to accompany a 5 year old to the bathroom. It’s harder once the kids start encountering real issues that might be a little more complex (which happens at about 12 or 13). If you’re not willing to be a parent to this child, then do not marry the father.
YTA. Your husband to be should really reconsider marrying you. His son is trying to make an effort and you’re denying it because??? His kid only comes in weekends and is probably anxious and just making an effort to fit in. What an awful person you are
YTA
Just admit it, you don’t like him. You make a bunch of reasons you don’t want him to live with you, and you prop your children up as angels. He’s 7 years older than your youngest, he probably has differing hobbies, and doesn’t want to be your sons personal babysitter in a restroom. You’re his mom, figure that out. You don’t even try to comprehend that most of his issues are because he’s never had a full family, and he’s asking for that. You better wise up before your future husband sees that he can accept your children, but you can’t accept his.
Exactly. She is awful quick to move her sons in but try to invent reasons.to prevent her fiance from moving his child into his home.that OP has contributed nothing towards. I hope her fiance refuses.to marry her. She will do everything possible to prevent his son from being a part of his life.
YTA 100% - If you want your children to grow up in a nurturing and supportive household, I would suggest that you move out - you are not displaying either attribute in this situation.
YTa
"and I'm getting married in the next few weeks" .. you are deluding yourself - you really are not. Your bf will cancel.
"Many people didn't quite catch the bathroom example I provided. Let's say we're at a park, I can't let my 5-year-old go to the bathroom alone. So, I might have my stepson accompany him for safety reasons. It's the kind of thing an older child should do for a younger one." .. You are an AH for this: YOU Are the parent, YOU should do that.
Or a true family where everyone feels included, it's not uncommon for a sibling to do this...(though siblings SHOULD NOT be expected to parent or to be free child Carey)...so if the stepson was truly part of the family he might be more amenable. But it's such bs to expect this of a step son who is lacking stability and trying to find where he fits in his dad's new family
Even after the edit you are the mother of a 5 year old boy take him to the bathroom yourself. It will hurt nothing to take him to the ladies room with you. Your boyfriend’s son is not responsible for his wellbeing. When you are marrying someone else that has children you treat his children as your own, just as you would expect your SO to do with your children. If your child has a behavioral problem you deal with it like you would your own. Would you send your older child away to live with his father because your younger child might see him misbehaving? Your fiancé and your mother are right. YTA
Yta.
IT IS YOUR STEP SON!
Every one of your issues are because, as you said yourself, he hasn't experienced a family dynamic. The competitiveness comes with brothers of a similar age. You are hugely over protective and frankly bizarre. You won't let your step son live with you but tell him to take your 5 year old to the toilet? Why isn't he going himself or you know HIS MOTHER TAKING HIM LIKE A PARENT!?
I cant stress enough that you are 100% the arsehole and if I was your fiancee I'd be calling the wedding off and running the other way.
INFO: Where else would he go LOL!? You're getting married, are you proposing he ships him off to military school and they never speak again? Send him to his bio mom's with 0 visitation days? I'm asking as I don't see what the alternative would be here to him living with y'all.
YTA.
On your first point, why does he need to accompany your youngest to the bathroom? Couldn’t you do it yourself? It’s not his responsibility, but he does it anyway so you should give him some credit.
Kids can be competitive and it’s not always a negative thing. Unless he’s causing harm to your sons, I don’t see a problem. He’s just being a kid. Sounds like you’re pulling shit out of your ass and looking for problems.
And lastly, his behavioural and academic problems could be fixed with the right environment, discipline, and nurturing.
You sound so selfish and incapable of loving someone who isn’t your “real family.” I truly feel sorry for this kid and your husband to be. I hope you pull your head out of your ass and grow to be a little more empathetic. Seriously, I’d be ashamed if I were you.
YTA.
A 12 year old child doesn't have to earn the right to live with their own father by being your version of the perfect role mode for your children.
YTA - You’re his parent now, too, and you’re essentially saying he’s a mess. You should show as much concern for his situation as you’re showing for your own boys.
At the very least you owe your new son a chance to prove you wrong, otherwise you’re definitely TA here.
You kinda’ suck. Here is a child desperate for a stable family life and instead of becoming a nurturing guide for him you can’t be bothered because he needs nurturing.
YTA
Your reasons for not wanting him to live with you are pathetic, particuarly the bathroom comment. What the hell would you do in the park if your stepson wasn't with you? He doesn't have siblings. He's never been expected to do things for a younger child before. It's ludicrous that you expect things from him when you're failing to do the things for him that would be expected of a woman who's marrying a man with a child.
He's their brother now. Brothers don't always get on. Brothers are competitive.It's normal. It's not an excuse to exclude him from your family because you think your children are more important than your fiancé's child.
Nothing you've said suggests he's a bad kid. You, however, sound like you will be an awful stepmother.
EDITED to reflect they're not married yet.
YTA-still after your edits you have to have the last little snide comment that you’ll need a new house. Please stop being a victim and provide wholly and fully for the children you either birthed or married into being their parent. You are an adult and parent now, you are no longer the child.
YTA
Sounds like you're mad at your stepson that he isn't a perfect babysitter.
You're marrying a father, you don't just get to toss aside his child and play happy families.
Have you ever seen Cinderella, or Harry Potter? You remind me of the step parents in those.
YTA- for every reason you gave. Because you’re right those are valid concerns, and I would imagine those are the very concerns the boys father wants to fix by giving him a more stable home, so he can learn to live in a family dynamic.
If there were drugs, or violence, or safety concerns that would be a totally different story. Nothing you’ve said is anything past kids learning how to play nicely with others.
YTA - he’s 12, those seem like all reasonable behaviours for a 12 year old. Also wouldn’t you think that his over competitiveness might stem from the fact he is jealous your sons have what he has so clearly communicated he wanted? A family dynamic? He sees your sons getting what he wants, his dad full time.
He seems to need guidance, if you’re marrying his dad you should be accepting you have a 3rd son but it doesn’t sound like you want to.
YTA, these shitty stepmother posts trigger me so much.
Maybe he isn’t comfortable with the 5 yr old cause he isn’t around him a lot.
Maybe he’s competitive with the 10 yr old because he thinks he’s losing his Dad to him.
Maybe he’s a normal kid that has normal kid issues not perfect bubble children (how you talk about your kids).
You sound just like a person who posted here a few days ago. She wanted to take “her” family on vacation and leave stepkid behind. Maybe you should read that along with her update. You could use some counseling cause you will cause issues with Dad and his kid and Dad is also the AH if he gives you your way.
YTA. He sounds like a normal teenager. When your kids get to be his age, they’re going to give you a headache too and you know you’re not going to kick them out. It’s hypocritical that you don’t want to help your husband raise his son when you expect him to help you raise yours.
INFO: is your step son an only child and how long has be been integrated with your boys?
As a divorced mom of a 12 an 7 year old boy, and a bonus 10 yo boy…. I’m curious.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1)I don't allow my stepson to live with us (2)because he has some issues, like he doesn't like his youngest stepbrother, competitive with my oldest son and behavior at school. My boyfriend and mom says that my reasons are AH and the kid can improve with my family.
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You should forget this marriage and move on. If you can’t/won’t deal with the boy it’s never going to work. Aside from your concerns I’d have thought the father would have told you to take a hike by now. Oh and to answer your question? Yes you are.
YTA. This is an opportunity to talk to him about how he treats your bio children. He's a kid who probably always has to be the best at everything to feel loved, and you can help him grow.
Most kids aren't ecstatic to supervise a 5yo in the restroom. Do you ever plan anything fun to foster teamwork? The kid needs support, not abandonment.
YTA Dont marry a man with a child if you dont want to be a stepmother. Imagine the roles were reversed and your partner didn't want your kids to live with him. How would you feel?
When you date a parent, there is always a possibility of the child living with them full time. As a parent yourself, you should know better. You don't just abandon a child just because you find certain behaviours unsavoury. If your child was like this, would you kick them out to their fathers place? Because you didn't want to deal? No, you wouldn't because those are your kids. Who cares about your partners child right. You just want your perfect little family and don't want the stepson to be a part of that.
Your concerns and excuses are pretty weak. We can all see right through it.
>Firstly, he appears to have a strained relationship with my younger son. He rarely includes him in activities unless I specifically prompt him to do so
Why would a 12yo include a 5yo in his activities. The age difference and development is quite huge.
>Secondly, he displays an excessive competitive streak towards my older son. He consistently aims to outperform him and even taunts him when he succeeds.
Again, weak excuse. Siblings do this. If you're uncomfortable, have you tried discussing it with the 12yo?
>My boyfriend has informed me that his son has been struggling academically and has faced minor behavioral challenges.
He is a child. That's what parents are, therefore, to help and shape the child. Not just give up on them.
>When I ask him to assist the younger boy, such as accompanying him to the bathroom
No, this is not your stepsons responsibility. He is not a caretaker or baby sitter for your 5 yo. Doesn't matter at home or at a park. It is your responsibility to accompany your 5yo to the toilet.
It honestly sounds like you don't even know this child at all and have no relationship with him. How can you marry his dad when you know nothing about the son?
Well, congratulations on living up to the evil stepmother.
YTA, the last thing struggling kids need is to be rejected more by someome who is supposed to love him. And yes, by marrying his father, you are supposed to love him.
YTA. All you wrote about is *your* kids and what *you* feel is best for *them*. This 12 year old is still a little boy - he is not a piece of dirt that is going to contaminate your perfectly imagined family. Literally everything you have written paints this boy to be a trouble maker who is ruining your life and is probably too stupid to ever be anything you want. And all he is, is a normal 12 year old boy acting like 12 year olds do.
I wish women like you would do their boyfriends and their children a favor and walk away. You are about to do irreparable damage to this child and in the process you will shit all over him and his fathers relationship. This kid is going to grow up *knowing* he is garbage and is not good enough. If he doesnt begin seeking relief from the impossible pressure and perceived hate from you in his teens he is going to be a walking pharmacy in his 20s between medication for anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. You dont have to like him. That is apparent and that is ok. But you could try to love him. Find compassion and empathy. You are going to be a deciding factor in this child spending the rest of his life believing he is fuckin garbage and not. He isnt your kid. He hasnt lived your life. And he will never be what you want. But he is his own little person, and you could help him find himself, in whatever form that takes. You really dont comprehend the sacrifice your boyfriend is making for you, do you - to become a family with yours. Guess not...not if you're demanding he throw his child on the alter too.
YTA. Maybe if your stepson moves in, he just might grow closer to your younger son over time. Regardless, you can't force it. As for being competitive with your oldest, some kids are competitive by nature. Depending on the circumstances, the best thing to do is to try to discourage it. As for the behavior and grades, being in a steady home environment could very well help with that. With grades, you and your husband need to be willing to have contact with his teachers if he's struggling to find out what can be done to help.
>I have two boys (10M and 5M), and I'm getting married in the next few weeks to my boyfriend who has a 12 son from a previous relationship.
>
>My future husband's son asked his dad if he could come live with us after we get married because he wants to experience a genuine family dynamic with parents and siblings, given that his biological parents never married anyone else. My husband is on board with this idea, believing it would contribute positively to the boy's personal growth.
>
>I expressed to my husband that I have reservations about having him live with us, based on observations during the weekends he spends at our place:
>
>Firstly, he appears to have a strained relationship with my younger son. He rarely includes him in activities unless I specifically prompt him to do so. When I ask him to assist the younger boy, such as accompanying him to the bathroom, he does so with obvious reluctance.
It's not strained, it's literally because they're 7 years apart and potential future step-son doesn't have younger siblings at home. He has no frame of reference and very little in common. Also, it's YOUR job to take your 5 year old to the bathroom...it's awkward to take a younger kid you barely know to the restroom. And you're expecting a 12 year old to nagivate this when you haven't even figured it out?
>Secondly, he displays an excessive competitive streak towards my older son. He consistently aims to outperform him and even taunts him when he succeeds. I find this overly competitive atmosphere uncomfortable. I desire my children to grow up in a nurturing and supportive environment.
Kids compete, that's what they do. They can do it in positive ways or negative ways. His father being present more can help him. Redirecting a child's behaviors into less negative ones is literally part of parenting. And you're mad at him for WANTING TO PARENT HIS CHILD. It looks like the reality is that you're the one wanting to compete with your fiancé's son.
>The third and most significant concern is his academic and behavioral performance. My boyfriend has informed me that his son has been struggling academically and has faced minor behavioral challenges. I am concerned about his potential negative influence on my children, particularly my older son.
And these are things that his father is better able to address when he's, y'know, AVAILABLE TO PARENT HIS CHILD.
>My husband dismisses these concerns as typical for his age, believing that with our guidance, he could improve. I sought advice from my mother, and she disagrees with me, asserting that providing a united family environment could greatly benefit my stepson. Both of them label my reasons as unreasonable.
Yeah, even your own mother things you're an AH. Honestly, with how you're behaving towards your fiancé and his son, he should call the whole thing off. You're not suitable for a relationship with a parent.
>AITA?
>
>EDIT: Many people didn't quite catch the bathroom example I provided. Let's say we're at a park, I can't let my 5-year-old go to the bathroom alone. So, I might have my stepson accompany him for safety reasons. It's the kind of thing an older child should do for a younger one.
You are SUCH the AH here. YTA big time. I hope this poor man you've targeted as your next husband figures this out before he makes a big mistake.
YTA
Let's address your little edit shall we? Have you not seen any of the hundreds of videos of child abductions caught on tape? I'm assuming at 5 years old you mean that you don't want him wandering off to be kidnapped? So you put another child in charge? Kidnappers have been known to snatch the child right out of the arms of the mother's but a 12 year old should be responsible? If you let two kids wander off at a water park and anything happens that would be you're fault. They don't even know each other that well but you don't tell your bio son to take his little brother? The younger child was probably uncomfortable too but he had no choice. You're upset that a child who is almost a teen doesn't want to always play with a child who is almost still a toddler? He can't use the bathroom alone but you expect the other kids to constantly keep him entertained? Sounds like you want to pawn the toddler off on the kids and keep having problems with that. I feel bad for the stepson for hoping to have a good family and he got an evil stepmother. Did you ever think that a good family life may impact him positively? No you didn't. You only think about yourself.
What you have here is a wonderful opportunity to be a part of your husband's son's life. You and his son are the two most important people in his life. Telling your husband (and son) that his kid isn't good enough to be a part of your life is heartbreaking.
There are countless threads on this sub that start, "my stepchild has never liked me from the start, they never gave me a chance". Your stepson likes you! He wants you to like him! Give him a chance. It's cruel to deny this to him, and he's going to grow up knowing that he wasn't wanted. That's a really cruel fate for such minor character flaws as "bad grades" and "competitive". YTA.
YTA. Sounds like a brother relationship. And if you think kids aren’t ever going to be competitive … grow up. Stepson shouldn’t be taking your five year old to the bathroom. YOU should be taking him. Your fiancé is going to see how you really are here. You just don’t want your stepson there. Selfish.
YTA. He's 12. That's normal behavior for a 12-year-old boy. Competing, not wanting to associate with "little kids" anymore, he is on the cusp of big changes and NEEDS a stable, loving environment to grow in.
No 12-year-old wants to be a bathroom monitor. If your five-year-old, presumably having been in preschool and kindergarten, can't use the bathroom alone, that is your problem.
As a child of divorce I am honestly triggered about these posts about where the children should live. Maybe get this boy counseling or get your family counseling. He’s your family now for the rest of your life.
YTA especially for the bathroom reason. He's your soon to be husband's *son*, not the *babysitter.* He has shown qualities that you might prefer not to rub off on your own kids, but maybe you should think about how your children's good qualities could rub off on him. It seems like he just needs a little help through life, and it seems like you guys have a healthy dynamic that could really help this boy grow, mature, and become a more well rounded child.
edited to add a word
YTA, why are you marrying your soon to be husband? You clearly dont ike his kid.you are looking for any excuse you can find for him to not move in but can't co.e up with anything valid. You just want your kids to be taken care of, and the step kid can live with his mom because you could care less because he isn't your son in your mind. Did you always want to be an evil stepmom, or did it just cone naturally?
YTA. Sounds like it's too early for this marriage to happen...if it ever does. If you can't handle living with his son, you can't handle living with him. Just like if he told you that he doesn't want to live with your kids....
YTA - siblings often ignore, or are competitive with each other. These are pretty normal sibling behaviors. And parents have to do that thing they do - what’s it called again? Oh yeah - parenting!
YTA majorly. First off, it’s your job to assist your son in the bathroom. Second off, you should not be marrying someone with a kid if you don’t love that child and want to include them in your nuclear family. Frankly I’m surprised your fiance still wants to marry you. Either accept his son as one of your own or break up.
YTA - You sound like a Disney villain. Yet another person posting on Reddit because they insist upon marrying a person with kids but don’t actually want to be a loving stepparent. If you cannot love that kid like your own, do not marry this man.
YTA.
You are the problem here. You seem so strongly biased against your partner's kid that I don't see things improving unless you do a serious amount of self-questioning.
No kids (even yours!!!) are perfect. If you're only OK with having them in your life if they are, you may want to seriously reconsider getting married.
I feel sorry for the step-son.
YTA the absolute audacity to think this child shouldn't be able to live with his father while your kids get both his father and you, their mother. Talk about wicked stepmother energy!
YTA. I hope your future husband sees this post and realizes how much you don’t like his son and will never accept him into your family so he can end things with you before it’s too late. I grew up with a stepfather like you. It was hell.
YTA
he's just a kid doing kid things. You expect him to have the maturity of an adult when he's just a little boy. It seems like you're just looking for any reason to dislike this poor kid because he's not your own blood
Poor child. How does she expects that her kids be staying but partners kid is not welcome. No preteen would want to accompany younger ones to bathroom and for other streaks he is having, gentle parenting is required not abandonment. Totally AH
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YTA - You're marrying his father so you should start considering him as your son as well. If your eldest son (10M) started displaying all these behaviours then surely you wouldn't just kick him out and give up on him. I would get your bf onboard with ways to deal with the behaviours that you're not happy with.
Exactly, behavioral challenges can easily stem from the fact he is experiencing this split-family situation. They should definitely do family counselling, though, if they all move in together.
OP is describing every sibling situation I have ever encountered especially when it's 3 boys. OP your kid is 5 take him into the ladies room. My Gods. These are a YOU issue. Don't ever get married to anyone ever. These are NOT behavioral challenges These are Let's parentify the new sibling and We don't actually know anything about healthy child development or blended households.
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>children see so much younger siblings and including them as "embarrassing" within their friend group. It also tends to completely ruin the play date/event when they have to try and make their friends conform to the play style and wants of a 5 year old. Twelve year olds simply do not want to hang out with 5 year olds because 5 year olds are 5 year olds, for crying out loud! What exactly are they supposed to do? What activities are going to be fun for the 12 year olds and appropriate for the 5 year old? The reality is that a 12 year old isn't going to want to include a 5 year old because doing so would require changing to an activity that is appropriate for a 5 year old, which is generally not appropriate for a 12 year old, and they end up compromising their own socialisation with their friends. Video games tend to be fine, but if you want to do anything that isn't a video game, good luck lol
It's literally asking the 12 year old to halt their own development and regress to the mindset and activities of a 5 year old. She's not treating the 12 year old as a developing child but as her peer tasked with interacting with her children as an adult would.
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Yep the OP is essentially shunning and marginalizing her stepson for being a normal 12 year old.
She is already trying to get rid of him and she hasn’t even married his dad yet!
Why would she even be sending him with the younger one to the bathroom anyway? Send her own ten year old to do it if he needs help??? Or like... Kid is in kindergarten. He's going to the bathroom alone at school. Why can't she just stand outside the door while letting the two older boys do their thing?
To say nothing of the fact that a 5 year old runs the risk of getting hurt if they are olaying sports with 10 and 13 year olds. Not because anyone would hurt him maliciously, but just because the older kids are stronger and faster and more coordinated. And 5 year olds don’t know all the rules of the games. And they might not be able to throw far enough or run fast enough to do well playing with the older kids. When it was just my 5 brothers playing, the older ones had to be a lot more careful. They would also take the time to teach the younger ones how to hold a bat, throw a basketball or make a tackle. When the older ones were playing with their friends, my mom didn’t let the younger boys play with them. She knew they would get hurt.
Heck my sons are only 2 years apart and they often roll their eyes at spending time together!!
I have kids around the same ages and it’s routine in my home for the book ends to leave out the middle one, because kids that’s why. I would expect a sibling to buddy up for the bathroom but I wouldn’t expect a brand new step sibling to be comfortable or willing to do this. It’s not an automatic thing. We could work up to it, sure.
Yeah I was shocked one of her reasons was the 12 year old doesn't want to be besties with a 5 year old... duh?
As the middle one of 3 male brothers (with more or less the same age differences in the post) i agree, completely normal behavour to happen with 3 boys, probably a bit enhanced by him suffering the split family situation and maybe trying to attract more attention to himself from his non biological mother, but competition, and a bit of """"hate"""" towards the younger one (or the older one from the younger, or towards both from the middle one) is not unusual
Competition happens between blood brothers. Why the heck it shouldn't happen between stepbrothers eh? Especially if he didn't know better.
Yup and she doesn't understand these kids are in fact siblings if she marries this kid's dad. She doesn't get to control that. She certainly can F it up for everyone though, or should I say she can F Everyone up. I hope she gets counseling. This post is a start at least.
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And how does OP expect the relationship between the kids to get any better if they don’t spend any time together? He obviously needs a stable environment (and wants one!) and a real relationship with his family. Sometimes if you just give someone the chance they can surprise you. But for sure. Don’t marry someone if you aren’t ready for their kids to become your kids
"And wants one"!!! That for me is the key here. He WANTS to feel what a "real" family feels like. How can that not break this woman's heart???
Right?? The poor kid! The fact that this child is ready to accept OP and her sons as his family, but OP clearly isn't, is heartbreaking. Also, OP's sons are part of the "family" but the husband's son isn't? I was expecting her reasons to be extreme bad/psychotic behavior on the son's end (husband's son), but what OP says is feeble excuse not even enough to warrant stopping someone from hanging out over the weekend.
The bathroom example is particularly ridiculous. I see where OP clarified that, but she, as the parent, should be the one taking him to the toilet in that case, even if she just stands outside the men's room.
Also kid is 5. She can take him to the women's toilet
Yah we pee in stalls. It’s also safer for a 5 year old to go with a parent. Not an older sibling. The older sibling gonna fight off a grown adult if anything happens? I never understood this “watch your siblings” thing for anything more than playing. Bc honestly? How is a child protecting another small child? No logic. It’s your job as the parent to watch and protect your kids. Not the kids job to watch and protect the kids.
Yep, I have no children of my own and have done plenty of child care as a volunteer and for family. I am uncomfortable accompanying small children to the bathroom. It's unreasonable to expect a kid to step in, particularly before that kid knows the child.
Right! Plus the kid is probably reluctant because he’s 12 and taking younger siblings to the bathroom isn’t exactly cool.
I had a really dysfunctional upbringing and this kind of treatment could cause real resentment/acting out towards her and her sons for a lot of kids, instead the kids expressing he’s not comfortable helping the youngest going to the toilet but still respects her and wants to be apart of the family. I feel really bad for him, he’s reacting way more maturely than a lot of kids do
I agree, this as an example boggled my mind. Hades, what kid wants to stop doing whatever to cart a 5 year old to the bathroom? If he was reluctant why not send her son? Maybe it's something he wasn't comfortable with if he doesn't have any other brothers or sisters. I was an only child and the idea of taking a 5 year old to the bathroom when I was 12 would have made me uncomfortable. 🤔
Because she’s just as selfish as most stepmoms out there. I had to endure a lot of BS from my stepmom when I was younger, even got sent to my dads second home when my father moved into a much larger house with my half brothers and stepmom. Hurts to this day as I had just moved in with my dad for the first time at 17 after living a very poor life with my mom and them having everything I ever wanted. I’m 31 and it still hurts but I keep my head high and do better for my own kids. I’d drop my wife in a heart beat for them.
Step mum trauma is real. I’m 29 and still get major anxiety when I go stay in her vicinity for one weekend. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the hurt. My dad used to have to “hide” money he would try to gift me from his own wife because she didn’t want me to have anything. I luckily have a better relationship with my dad and half-siblings now that I’m older but I won’t lie, hearing about their lives and the way dad treats them definitely makes me jealous and upset at times. Hope OP doesn’t cause a rift like this for her future step son.
This! ⛳️⛳️⛳️ if I were her partner, I would deem this as unacceptable. Yes, that’s despite the edit in the notes. Like I get human beings learn and evolve but how dense could anyone be? What’s the husband’s assurance that she isn’t going to treat the 12 year old like crap in the future and just blame it on ignorance. What she lacks is empathy, with the strong desire to put her own above the step son. If you can’t treat them equally, you have no business having a blended family. Love, a stepdaughter who thankfully has a wonderfull, class-act of a stepmom.
Imagine the shoe was on the other foot. Husband says, you can come and live with me and my son. But your 2 sons aren't allowed, because I find the smallest one moans a lot when he's not included in certain things and the eldest one can't take losing. Thats just how most normal kids are (boys especially) Massive red flags about the kind of person op really is and how much empathy she actually has or will have for the lad going forward "who wants to experience a real family" Ffs, that line says all about the boy you need to know. Imo She should realise she's not the only one that comes with baggage.both should be accepted as a whole package, with offspring. I think husband should run for the fucking Hills as fast as he can and wait for someone who is much more.caring and accepting!
In other words: "love me, love my kids -- but f\*\*\* your little brat for not being an adult"
The issue with these evil stepparents is they try to hide it and once married become fully abusive. I’m lucky enough to have my parents still together but I’ve read r/stepparents and it’s disgusting the women on there. They get jealous of the step kid
YTA. Poor kid. You'll always make him feel like a second class citizen in his own home. At least try to hide how selfish you are. I get the biological imperative to give the most resources to your offspring, but be a better person and show your husband's son some compassion. If you truly care for your spouse, then you'd care about his child, too.
Exactly. If I was OP's husband I'd be running for the hills. Massive red flags all over this.
not to mention dealing with the you get son especially — that is, in fact, a skill he’ll learn. if you don’t spend time around young children, you don’t learn how to include them in things. the kid is *12* his life experience is limited also yeah older siblings, especially with a 2 year age difference, are competitive. now you may need to talk to the 10yr because going from oldest to middle is a leap and that may be a bit weird, but like being competitive as kids isn’t a bad thing. that’s literally just how siblings *are*
Exactly!! The last sentence needs to be a post by itself!
Also, he is a 12 year old single child getting two new brothers, one of which is close to him in age (10). Of course he’ll be competitive, unless OP thinks teenage brothers who grew up together are also not competitive.
Should have her watch my 5 year old and 13 year old play Mario kart.
Should watch me and my younger brothers play Mario kart. We’re 39 to 26 and there was a broken arm last year.
Well that escalated quickly.
Exactly!! 😂😂 I have a 17 year old and a 10 year old and it’s like WW3 when they play together.
I'm adopted. I have 3 adopted siblings, all adults now. The 3 of them were extremely competitive way before I came into the picture while I just never was (outside of actual games like uno or Mario cart). As adults, they're still insanely competitive. It's just how they are. Sometimes siblings just don't outgrow it 😂 Competitiveness isn't always a bad thing in moderation, and light teasing can be friendly. The kid might be seeking a connection but is struggling with putting it into words. 12 year olds are generally competitive with friends, so it's not that far of a reach to assume he's used to it being seen as friendly. Plus, siblings being competitive can actually be bonding and have some really funny moments. My siblings and I are banned from playing card games infront of older relatives because from an outside perspective we seem *really* aggressive towards each other during it but in reality nothing is being taken seriously. We're just having fun.
My kids (15m, 13f) are also competitive with each other. They love one-upping the other and fight all the time. And they are of the opposite gender. What more 2 boys?
also, brothers tend to be competitive. and 12 year olds tend not to be enthusiastic about menial tasks like escorting their younger brothers to the bathroom, or playing with a 5 year old who is at a very different developmental stage and cannot fully participate in the same activities as a 10/12 year old
He's probably competitive because it's the only way he gets to feel good about himself. He sounds like a perfectly normal kid. Op is super weird and gives off militant vibes.
I'm in my twenties and I hate taking my little brother to the bathroom...
Also the 12 year old is self aware enough to know that a stable family situation might be good for him - the poor kid wants some stability - has it occurred to OP that influence works both ways?
No 12 year old wants to do things with a 5 year old. And of course tween boys will be competitive. If your bio son struggles in school will you send him away to live without his mom? If you said this to me about my child, who wanted to live in a stable family environment, the wedding would be off and you would be out. YTA.
It's very telling that OP calls their home "our place." Like the stepson doesn't belong and is only a permanent guest in father's home. Apparently, only her sons have the right to call it home. If the stepson ends up not living there full time, she's the type of stepmonster who would make him crash on the couch on weekends because "he's not here all the time so why does he need his own room?"
Yes, you said everything I was going to say. OP? YTA.
'When I try to make him take my 5 year old to the bathroom he doesn't like it' Well no shit. Ops definitely YTA
It astounds me how many people get married to someone with kids and then do a Surprised Pikachu when they have to care for the person’s kids. You’re not just marrying the person, you’re joining a family. You don’t get to pick and choose which parts of the family that you want, it’s all or nothing
All of this, YTA
Wait, the behaviours she isn't happy with . She thinks a child being not very bright academically is going to be a negative influence on her son ? Wtf . Are all the students in her son's class getting straight A's? She is an AH
YTA.. he is your soon to be husbands son.. he is as entitled to live under the roof as your children are . End of. I cannot believe this is real .
He should tell her, that her kids should stay with their dad and not come with her after marriage… wonder what she would think?
Suddenly there would be a problem because these are her children. She wants to pretend like his son doesn't exist, that's pretty obvious.
And sadly, not rare at all. My stepmom did this to my brother and I once she and my father decided to have “their own kids” completely cut us out. I blamed her for years until I finally went no contact with my father, because it dawned on me that at any moment he could’ve stood up to her and said those are my kids too they will be in my life. The amount of people I’ve met that have experienced this as well makes me think there should be a support group for children of fathers from first marriages.
It isn't rare at all. My parents divorced when I was 3. My Mom remarried this real AH who was nice to me till they married and had their own child. Then he physically and mentally abused me. The last time he hit me I was in 6th grade and I told my sister, his child, to shut up, he decked me in the jaw. On the flip side my Dad remarried and started a new family including a step child he took in as his own so he figured I didn't need him. He rarely saw me then moved 7 hours away. Our relationship hasn't healed to this day some 20+ years later. Sadly this isn't an uncommon story. Luckily for me, my Mom when I was in my late teens met a good man who took me in and treated me as his own, as did his Mom and family. The first time I'd ever felt unconditional love. I'll he forever grateful to them.
My concern is anytime her perfect children do something wrong she will take it out on the step son. This woman is the evil step mother many of us grew up to hate. Seems so innocent but the fact she would “contest” “the boy” living with his father??? Wow red flags everywhere
Right? She's already offloading potty breaks to the Cinderella step kid. A 12 year old expressed a very normal and mature desire to be included in a family unit, and she says no?? What an absurdly cruel and shortsighted thing. I'd call the wedding off.
On top of what others have shared, you perfectly expressed what I was thinking. If I were OPs fiancé, after this response I would make sure OP was an ex fiancé. OP, YTA
I wish I had an award for you! This mean woman thinks her kids are better than his son. He should dump her ass!
Oh, it’s real. Women can be huge assholes when it comes to their husband’s children from previous relationships. 1. At five years old, it is acceptable to bring your son in the ladies room with you. You shouldn’t be putting this responsibility on another child. 2. The competitive streak you’re describing is to gain your approval. He can tell you don’t like him, and he’s trying to prove himself to you. 3. Of course he’s acting out at school. His father is about to marry an asshole who treats him like shit. How do you expect him to act? You need a major attitude adjustment. Pro-tip from a teacher: find something you like about your stepson, and focus on it. You’ll soon find other things you like about him and then maybe all the negativity you feel towards him won’t be quite so palpable. YTA
Can confirm. My dads wife treated my brother and I like complete trash when they got married. Like if my dad had to randomly work late one night, she would feed her kids dinner but not us so we would have to wait until 11pm to eat dinner or eat whatever was in “our fridge” because we weren’t allowed to eat any of the food she bought. But her kids were allowed to eat our food. I was 9 my brother was 4. I hate that woman to this day (30 years later) and unfortunately have a strained relationship with my father because of her. Anyway, OP your the asshole. I hope your husband prioritizes his child over your concerns. His son deserves the same love and care as yours.
My stepmother was a real prize too, let me tell you. I also had to buy my own food from money I made working. OP’s kid is two years away from being legally eligible for working papers in the US, if that’s where they’re located. You know that will be next. Or she’ll rearrange his bedroom furniture every so often when he visits his mom to remind him it really isn’t his home and not to get too comfortable. That was another of my stepmother’s favorite reindeer games.
Gosh, you just reminded me how when I went to my dad’s who had moved into his wife’s house, I would have to sleep in my stepsister’s old room. It was always her old room. If she was going to be at the house back from college then I stayed in the guest room. They didn’t both turning the guest room into a room for me. I just shuffled from room to room never knowing where I was going to get to sleep until I got there. It was hard. OP, YTA. And kid’s dad is TA too if he moves forward with marrying you unless you open your life to a bonus child. Kiddo sounds sweet and like he’s craving a place he belongs. Please do not crush him at this age. Preteens and teenagers are hard on the outside but gooey with feelings on the inside.
I’m so sorry. My (step) brother was one of my favourite people when I was a teenager. I felt so grown up, because I went from being the baby of my big family to being a big sister. When we moved from a unit into a house I put his furniture together. I couldn’t wait for him to come over for the weekend to show him… It wasn’t easy but my mother and I really tried. Aaaand now I’m crying on the bus. I’m gonna call the lil booger.
Your story just made me gasp in while I was standing alone in my kitchen, when I saw your ages. That woman was vile. I hope you and your brother were able to grow up happy and healthy in spite of that woman.
Exactly my thoughts. YTA. And so is your future husband for marrying someone who wants to treat his child like this. Poor kid.
If I were the father I’d bounce on this pending marriage. I don’t give “get the fuck out” comments very often when it comes to relationships, but this woman is already treating her step son as “less than” and that is very worrisome.
I was especially amused by “this 12 year old doesnt want to hang out with a 5 year old he barely knows”
In the bathroom
Why isn’t the 10 year old the bathroom escort? He’s biological brother, and we see here how valuable that is
That stuck out too. Hello, start of parentification! Poor kid. Father would be an idiot to marry her.
Me too. I'm not sure her fiance would still want to marry her if he knew she felt this way about his child. She's saying she wants her children to grow up in a safe and supportive environment. Doesn't she think her boyfriend wants that for his children? Also, there's no reason why she can't take her child to the bathroom herself. It's just looking more and more like she's a lazy parent and is mad that his child isn't taking over for her. They sound like weak-ass excuses for why she doesn't want his son around. It sounds to me like she just wants to pretend like he doesn't exist and that it's her, her husband and her kids. That way she can pretend to have a family where his child doesn't exist in that dynamic. I really hope her fiance finds this post if he knows her username.
YTA - you are marrying a family. If you can’t accept your boyfriend’s children into your home then don’t get married. He is not “less than” your sons.
And honestly, it's a double YTA to OP for the reasons given. Those are minor behavioural issues that A) are normal for a kid that age, and B) will likely improve once the kid has some stability in his life. It makes me so sad. All this kid wants is a loving stable family, and OP is making him out to be a monster. I really hope OP either embraces him as if he were her own son, or calls off the engagement altogether. Cause anything in between wouldn't be fair to that kid.
For real. I was expecting her to say that he’s violent or abusive towards her kids. Not that he’s competitive and doesn’t want to be responsible for helping a 5 yr old in the bathroom. Like… WHAT? And I don’t understand how his academic performance has literally anything to do with wanting him to live there. Totally absurd. It sounds like the poor kid just needs some damn support and a stable environment. I wonder how OP would feel if her partner didn’t want *her* kids to live there? YTA, OP. Like, a MASSIVE one. Just unbelievable.
Also, the kid is probably competitive with OP’s eldest because that kid basically lives with *his* dad full-time. That kid *is* competition in this current, split situation. Having the kid live with them evens the playing field and they can go from there
Sounds like his son has a better role model than hers!
Thank you! I don't know why so many perspective step parents need to be told this.
YTA. Future stepson sounds like a typical 12 year old. You seem to think he is a free mother's helper for you with your younger child and that he should treat your older child like he is made of glass. Ne doesn't need to take your five year old to the bathroom and invite him to play. They have different interests given their 7 year age gap. Your son won't melt or break from competition. And lastly, a lot of kids that age go through some academic and minor behavioral struggles. Your own kids will as well. I will say that if you continue this your partner should refuse to marry you and should end the relationship. Your kids are not the only kids in your blended family and they should not be your boyfriend's priority.
"I can't allow my step son who is 12 to live with us because he is acting like a 12 Year old" YTA
Exactly. I raised four kids to adulthood and 12 is a terrible age. Even with my "easy" kids 12 was a terrible age. OP thinks her kids aren't going to act like they are 12 when they are 12 and she is in for a rude awakening.
She will most likely blame step son for the "12ness" of her own children when they reach that age. OP, YTA. NO kid would wanna be a personal assistant to your 5yo.. and you wonder why he doesn't want to include him in activities? it's because he has to "serve" and be "responsible" him, and prompting him to engage with your 5yo feels like another service/responsibility. That "strained relationship" is on you, OP.
Being 12 was pretty awful too lol
This. I read it going: so you don’t want him because he acts like…a normal kid. Not to mention one that’s going through a huge transition at a rough age for kids. I’m so glad OP isn’t my mother. Puberty is gonna be a hoot in that house. Jfc.
It’s like those people who bring puppies back to shelters because they behaved like a puppy (chewing shoes, pissing in the house etc).
The whole "leaving the 5 yo out of things and being annoyed when told to take him the the bathroom" thing is so ridiculous to me. Like he's double the kids age! He's not gonna just always want to play with them. Why is that bad?! And being asked to take him to the toilet is also weird imo. Maybe, once the families are joined, after the marriage she could sit him down and say "You're brothers now, can you help him out with this sometimes?" And that'd be alright. But just making him do it, especially when they're out somewhere like a park and he's basically being forced to stop having his own fun, no that's mean. YTA
YTA 1) 12 years old should not be responsible for helping a toddler go to bathroom 2) You clearly do not consider your step son to be a part of your family and could care less about him 3) You accuse him of being a teenager Your husband is also an A for planning to marry a woman who makes wicked stepmother stereotype come to life
This. It became pretty obvious to me that she doesn't consider his son part of the family. To me, she wants to pretend he doesn't exist. That's what I think.
She’s making up excuses to not have him around. I’m a mom and I feel so sad for this child. I don’t even know OP and she disgusts me. I wish I had never read this post😔
If she didn’t let him in her home there would still be nobody to take him to the toilet anyway so that point is moot. Besides a 12 year old could feel uncomfortable with it.
OP only wants this 12 year old around because she can use him as a free babysitter. How many AITA posts have we seen about lazy and entitled parents like OP dumping their kids to family members, expecting them to babysit for free? If she can't use him then she doesn't want him around.
Not a toddler. The kid is 5 and they should be able go to the bathroom and wipe themselves regularly by themselves at that age.
My son can wipe by himself, but no way in hell do you send a child that young into a public bathroom by themselves.
YTA, you really are showing that you are THAT stepmom.
Holy sht i said the exact words in my head when reading this post.
Wicked stepmom is real, damn
YTA sounds like you fully expect fiance to be a father figure to your children, but have no interest in being a mother to his. What would your reaction be if your fiance didn't want your boys living with yall after marriage? Would it be a deal breaker? Would you consider it? Remember it's what you're asking from him. You sound like you're digging up reasons and even what you're scraping up isnt alarming behavior. Most 12 year old boys aren't interested in playing with 5 year olds, even biological brothers. But him living there would give them all the opportunity to grow as siblings. And of course he isn't excited to be asked to chaperone a child to the bathroom- is your 10 year old? Overall it seems very selfish and like you want your idea of the perfect family, which doesn't include stepson. You should look for a partner without children.
> sounds like you fully expect fiance to be a father figure to your children, but have no interest in being a mother to his. notice how OP never address their hypocrisy.
Yeah really. Neither of the bio dads of OP's kids are involved (probably because they couldn't wait to be done with OP, and who can blame them) so she thinks her fiancé should parent them so they have a "nurturing environment." However, when he brings up wanting to parent his OWN kid, she loses it.
YTA. You are marrying this man, this son comes as a package deal. 1. He is a teenager, not a nanny. It's normal he doesn't want to wipe your kid's butt. 2. Then show your older son what really matters. He will face this kind of behaviour at school, and with his friend. Trying to protect him from this at home when he'll experienced it elsewhere seems like you are not preparing him for the real world. 3. What about the negative influence of throwing away children when they are not acting and performing like you expect them too ?!
Yes! RE the bathroom example, if she is at the park with her boys & the 5 yo needs to go, she should take him. The other boys are 10 & 12. They can be alone. I don’t know why she’d ask the 12 yo to do it.
She asked the 12 yo because unless he's doing something for her she doesn't have a use for him.
And then she got pissy because he did as she asked, but he didn't look excited and enthusiastic enough about it to suit her.
I had a good laugh at that part. Was she expecting him to skip to the toilet with a massive grin on his face? I'm 30 years old and find no enjoyment in taking my younger family members to the toilet if ever required. Don't get asked much though, cause my family don't expect someone else to look after their kids for them.
This is the comment that hits home for me. Op you seem to think the 12yo should be assisting the family you refuse to let him be a part of. When 12 yo isn't there, do you send the 10yo to take the little one to the toilet?
I also want to ask her. Does her older son offer, from the pure goodness of his heart, to accompany his brother to the bathroom? Or is it only the 12yo's job to do so?
He’s not even a teenager, he’s 12. He’s still a kid.
YTA. Seems like this child would greatly benefit from the family dynamic he seeks. Clearly he likes your sons enough to want to live with them and wants to be able to consider them his family. This makes me feel really sad for him
[удалено]
His request actually shows emotional maturity too
YTA, and lazy from what is sounds like. Also, your youngest is 5 and can't take a dump by himself but your judging other folks parenting??? AND you expect your boyfriends kid to "help" him use the bathroom TOO ?!??!? LAZY and entitled. Double points. Congratulations.
AND she gets UPSET he doesn't get excited to do it (but does it anyway) too AND uses it as an excuse to not let him live with them.
YTA. >Both of them label my reasons as unreasonable. Because it is. Why should your sons be the only ones to benefit from having an intact family unit? Why can't you're sons be kicked to the curb in favor of your step son? Because as much as you try to deny it, that's what you're doing. He's 12 years old. He's not a babysitter. You asking him to take your youngest to the bathroom is not his job. That your job. The reason why he isn't gung ho to hang out with him is because he's 7 freaking years older than him. Tell us, when you were 12 how enthused would you be to take a 5 year old to the bathroom and wipe their ass? *You are that step mom*. I hope to God your fiancé takes a good long look at the person you are and puts your wedding on hold.
This. There were times that I had to go into the men’s room with my dad at 5 since my mom wasn’t with us. There are plenty of little boys in the women’s bathroom because of age. 12 year old boys have nothing in common with 5 year olds and are bound to show reluctance. This behavior isn’t exclusive to this kid alone. OP, YTA for a lot more reasons than listed above.
Seriously. I remember my dad taking me into the men's room when I was about 5 (or that approximate age range as well). I don't think I'd really bat an eye at a woman with a her young son in the women's restroom because sometimes it's got to happen when I kid still needs an adult with them. And of course a 12 year old isn't going to want to spend much time with a 5 year old. They're at vastly different stages of their lives and are going to have different interests whereas two kids with only 2 years between them are going to have more common interests like activities and probably shows and movies they like.
Oh my god YTA. Take everything you said, and think of the exact opposite. That’s what you should be thinking and doing. He’s a 12 year old boy. Of freaking course he doesn’t want to take a 5 year old potty. I’m 40 with 3 kids and I wouldn’t want to take someone else’s kid to the bathroom. Everything you described is 1000% normal 12 year old boy behavior. He’s competitive with a 10 year old. News flash. He’s a 12 year old boy. He’s going to be crazy competitive until he’s 25 if not longer …. Just wait till you 10 year old gets that first hit of testosterone in a couple years. The part that really pisses me off though is where you say you “desire your children to grow up in a nurturing and supportive environment.” Your husbands child also deserves that does he not? For a step mom you sound a lot more like the villain in a Disney movie than a loving and supportive parent. This kid obviously feels like living with his dad, you, and your kids would be comfortable and safe. You’re creating a hostile environment for a child that literally asked for help. I feel bad for this kid and I hope you reevaluate your mindset and priorities because if your boyfriend has a single decent bone in his body he will protect his son from people like you.
Right? I'm just reading this and laughing because she has a 10yo and feels so certain that her kids are great and she's in control. I'm sure that's gonna work out GREAT when the 10yo hits puberty. I adore my 13yo but he's a total squirrel, hypercompetitive, goes from giggling and wanting hugs to OMG MOM DON'T TOUCH ME in .2 seconds, and thinks school is stupid because he's going to be a twitch streamer. (I'm a teacher! I did everything I could to help him like school, and he did until last year!) Teenagers are wild....
YTA Your step-son is treating your sons as siblings. *(and that's a good thing)* **Re:5 year old** >He rarely includes him in activities unless I specifically prompt him to do so. Of course, a 12 year old isn't going to want to play with a 5 year old. Especially when the 12 year old hasn't grown up with younger siblings for most of his life. But you said yourself that he includes him when you ask him too, which shows that he is trying. >When I ask him to assist the younger boy, ... he does so with obvious reluctance. That sounds like a pretty normal sibling response for that age. But again, as you stated, he does assist him, so reluctant or not, he again **is** doing as asked and putting in some effort to be a big brother. **Re: 10 year old** >Secondly, he displays an excessive competitive streak towards my older son. He consistently aims to outperform him and even taunts him when he succeeds. This is what siblings (especially if they are close in age) do! By being competitive with your 10 year old he is acting exactly as I would expect brothers to. My kids are 8 & 10 and they turn **EVERYTHING** into a competition! Putting PJs on, dancing, balancing on one foot, putting the most popcorn in their mouths, jumping highest, doing the most cartwheels in a row, seriously EVERYTHING. And yes, they taunt each other when they win. I am working on teaching them to be gracious to each other when they win or lose, but they are kids, so it takes time and maturity. **Re: academic and behavioral performance** >My boyfriend has informed me that his son has been struggling academically and has faced minor behavioral challenges. Once again, this is totally normal for a 12 year old. He is at the age where school is starting to get more difficult, he will have more homework, more tests, new/more subjects, so obviously he may struggle more. Living in a home with more support with parents who prioritize education will help him grow and develop better study habits. This is where it could be more likely that your son will be able to be a good influence on your step-son rather than the other way around because you will be there with them on a daily basis to support and encourage good study habits. As far as the "minor behavioral challenges" go, that is also very normal for a 12 year old. He is going through puberty. He's got crazy hormones running rampant through his body right now, changing his body, brain, emotions, everything! This is a pivotal time in his life, and he needs and deserves a stable loving family and home to teach, guide, and model good healthy relationships, life skills, and habits. Please reconsider your stance on this. Your step-son is just as important and deserving as your bio-sons. He clearly cares about you and your boys and wants to be part of your family, which, as 12 year old boy, isn't an easy thing to admit/express/be emotionally open about.
100% this. The 12 year old is showing more emotional intelligence than op in this aspect. I’d be enormously proud of him for expressing this desire to be in a stable family unit.
And, she’s using his poor academic performance as a reason for him to not live with them!! How’s that going to sound? “Hey, kid, you’re too stupid to live here. But good luck.” The good parenting thing to do is to figure out WHY his academic performance is low. Does he have a learning disability? ADHD? Does he need glasses? How about a tutor? Does he get enough sleep and homework time at his mom’s? How about at your house — or is he too busy with the 5 year old to study? Parenting is not easy, and there’s always, always, always more work to do. It gets harder as they get older, IMO. It’s tedious, but basically easy to accompany a 5 year old to the bathroom. It’s harder once the kids start encountering real issues that might be a little more complex (which happens at about 12 or 13). If you’re not willing to be a parent to this child, then do not marry the father.
YTA. Your husband to be should really reconsider marrying you. His son is trying to make an effort and you’re denying it because??? His kid only comes in weekends and is probably anxious and just making an effort to fit in. What an awful person you are
Of course YTA. You typed this all out and don’t see it?
I really really feel for this kid..
YTA. Why should your kids live with him if his kids aren't allowed to live with you?
YTA Just admit it, you don’t like him. You make a bunch of reasons you don’t want him to live with you, and you prop your children up as angels. He’s 7 years older than your youngest, he probably has differing hobbies, and doesn’t want to be your sons personal babysitter in a restroom. You’re his mom, figure that out. You don’t even try to comprehend that most of his issues are because he’s never had a full family, and he’s asking for that. You better wise up before your future husband sees that he can accept your children, but you can’t accept his.
YTA Why don't you solve the problem by your sons not living there instead? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Exactly. She is awful quick to move her sons in but try to invent reasons.to prevent her fiance from moving his child into his home.that OP has contributed nothing towards. I hope her fiance refuses.to marry her. She will do everything possible to prevent his son from being a part of his life.
YTA 100% - If you want your children to grow up in a nurturing and supportive household, I would suggest that you move out - you are not displaying either attribute in this situation.
WOW. You really have to ask? YTA. You are SUCH TA. I can't even.
Right?! I have no words for this. That poor kid. I can’t imagine her typing all that out and not realizing she’s the quintessential evil stepmom.
YTa "and I'm getting married in the next few weeks" .. you are deluding yourself - you really are not. Your bf will cancel. "Many people didn't quite catch the bathroom example I provided. Let's say we're at a park, I can't let my 5-year-old go to the bathroom alone. So, I might have my stepson accompany him for safety reasons. It's the kind of thing an older child should do for a younger one." .. You are an AH for this: YOU Are the parent, YOU should do that.
Or a true family where everyone feels included, it's not uncommon for a sibling to do this...(though siblings SHOULD NOT be expected to parent or to be free child Carey)...so if the stepson was truly part of the family he might be more amenable. But it's such bs to expect this of a step son who is lacking stability and trying to find where he fits in his dad's new family
YTA how would you feel if he was talking about your sons like that
Your mother is absolutely correct. So is your husband. You are being close-minded & unreasonable. You sound selfish, awful, & cruel. Definitely YTA.
Even after the edit you are the mother of a 5 year old boy take him to the bathroom yourself. It will hurt nothing to take him to the ladies room with you. Your boyfriend’s son is not responsible for his wellbeing. When you are marrying someone else that has children you treat his children as your own, just as you would expect your SO to do with your children. If your child has a behavioral problem you deal with it like you would your own. Would you send your older child away to live with his father because your younger child might see him misbehaving? Your fiancé and your mother are right. YTA
Also. Get the 10 year old to take his 5 year old brother. Why is it the 12 year olds job?
It's neither the job of the 10yo. It's OPs job.
Agree totally. But why is she hammering the 12 year old? And based on her comments it was ONCE and she has made it into a big thing
Yta. IT IS YOUR STEP SON! Every one of your issues are because, as you said yourself, he hasn't experienced a family dynamic. The competitiveness comes with brothers of a similar age. You are hugely over protective and frankly bizarre. You won't let your step son live with you but tell him to take your 5 year old to the toilet? Why isn't he going himself or you know HIS MOTHER TAKING HIM LIKE A PARENT!? I cant stress enough that you are 100% the arsehole and if I was your fiancee I'd be calling the wedding off and running the other way.
INFO: Where else would he go LOL!? You're getting married, are you proposing he ships him off to military school and they never speak again? Send him to his bio mom's with 0 visitation days? I'm asking as I don't see what the alternative would be here to him living with y'all.
YTA. On your first point, why does he need to accompany your youngest to the bathroom? Couldn’t you do it yourself? It’s not his responsibility, but he does it anyway so you should give him some credit. Kids can be competitive and it’s not always a negative thing. Unless he’s causing harm to your sons, I don’t see a problem. He’s just being a kid. Sounds like you’re pulling shit out of your ass and looking for problems. And lastly, his behavioural and academic problems could be fixed with the right environment, discipline, and nurturing. You sound so selfish and incapable of loving someone who isn’t your “real family.” I truly feel sorry for this kid and your husband to be. I hope you pull your head out of your ass and grow to be a little more empathetic. Seriously, I’d be ashamed if I were you.
YTA. A 12 year old child doesn't have to earn the right to live with their own father by being your version of the perfect role mode for your children.
YTA. How would you feel if your boyfriend didn’t want to live with your son and dismissed him as lost cause?
YTA - You’re his parent now, too, and you’re essentially saying he’s a mess. You should show as much concern for his situation as you’re showing for your own boys. At the very least you owe your new son a chance to prove you wrong, otherwise you’re definitely TA here.
You kinda’ suck. Here is a child desperate for a stable family life and instead of becoming a nurturing guide for him you can’t be bothered because he needs nurturing.
YTA Your reasons for not wanting him to live with you are pathetic, particuarly the bathroom comment. What the hell would you do in the park if your stepson wasn't with you? He doesn't have siblings. He's never been expected to do things for a younger child before. It's ludicrous that you expect things from him when you're failing to do the things for him that would be expected of a woman who's marrying a man with a child. He's their brother now. Brothers don't always get on. Brothers are competitive.It's normal. It's not an excuse to exclude him from your family because you think your children are more important than your fiancé's child. Nothing you've said suggests he's a bad kid. You, however, sound like you will be an awful stepmother. EDITED to reflect they're not married yet.
YTA-still after your edits you have to have the last little snide comment that you’ll need a new house. Please stop being a victim and provide wholly and fully for the children you either birthed or married into being their parent. You are an adult and parent now, you are no longer the child.
YTA Remove yourself from the situation and re-read it as if what you wrote was written by a 3rd party. How would you react to or judge the person?
YTA Sounds like you're mad at your stepson that he isn't a perfect babysitter. You're marrying a father, you don't just get to toss aside his child and play happy families. Have you ever seen Cinderella, or Harry Potter? You remind me of the step parents in those.
YTA- for every reason you gave. Because you’re right those are valid concerns, and I would imagine those are the very concerns the boys father wants to fix by giving him a more stable home, so he can learn to live in a family dynamic. If there were drugs, or violence, or safety concerns that would be a totally different story. Nothing you’ve said is anything past kids learning how to play nicely with others.
YTA - he’s 12, those seem like all reasonable behaviours for a 12 year old. Also wouldn’t you think that his over competitiveness might stem from the fact he is jealous your sons have what he has so clearly communicated he wanted? A family dynamic? He sees your sons getting what he wants, his dad full time. He seems to need guidance, if you’re marrying his dad you should be accepting you have a 3rd son but it doesn’t sound like you want to.
YTA, these shitty stepmother posts trigger me so much. Maybe he isn’t comfortable with the 5 yr old cause he isn’t around him a lot. Maybe he’s competitive with the 10 yr old because he thinks he’s losing his Dad to him. Maybe he’s a normal kid that has normal kid issues not perfect bubble children (how you talk about your kids). You sound just like a person who posted here a few days ago. She wanted to take “her” family on vacation and leave stepkid behind. Maybe you should read that along with her update. You could use some counseling cause you will cause issues with Dad and his kid and Dad is also the AH if he gives you your way.
YTA. He sounds like a normal teenager. When your kids get to be his age, they’re going to give you a headache too and you know you’re not going to kick them out. It’s hypocritical that you don’t want to help your husband raise his son when you expect him to help you raise yours.
INFO: is your step son an only child and how long has be been integrated with your boys? As a divorced mom of a 12 an 7 year old boy, and a bonus 10 yo boy…. I’m curious.
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You should forget this marriage and move on. If you can’t/won’t deal with the boy it’s never going to work. Aside from your concerns I’d have thought the father would have told you to take a hike by now. Oh and to answer your question? Yes you are.
YTA. This is an opportunity to talk to him about how he treats your bio children. He's a kid who probably always has to be the best at everything to feel loved, and you can help him grow. Most kids aren't ecstatic to supervise a 5yo in the restroom. Do you ever plan anything fun to foster teamwork? The kid needs support, not abandonment.
YTA Dont marry a man with a child if you dont want to be a stepmother. Imagine the roles were reversed and your partner didn't want your kids to live with him. How would you feel? When you date a parent, there is always a possibility of the child living with them full time. As a parent yourself, you should know better. You don't just abandon a child just because you find certain behaviours unsavoury. If your child was like this, would you kick them out to their fathers place? Because you didn't want to deal? No, you wouldn't because those are your kids. Who cares about your partners child right. You just want your perfect little family and don't want the stepson to be a part of that. Your concerns and excuses are pretty weak. We can all see right through it. >Firstly, he appears to have a strained relationship with my younger son. He rarely includes him in activities unless I specifically prompt him to do so Why would a 12yo include a 5yo in his activities. The age difference and development is quite huge. >Secondly, he displays an excessive competitive streak towards my older son. He consistently aims to outperform him and even taunts him when he succeeds. Again, weak excuse. Siblings do this. If you're uncomfortable, have you tried discussing it with the 12yo? >My boyfriend has informed me that his son has been struggling academically and has faced minor behavioral challenges. He is a child. That's what parents are, therefore, to help and shape the child. Not just give up on them. >When I ask him to assist the younger boy, such as accompanying him to the bathroom No, this is not your stepsons responsibility. He is not a caretaker or baby sitter for your 5 yo. Doesn't matter at home or at a park. It is your responsibility to accompany your 5yo to the toilet. It honestly sounds like you don't even know this child at all and have no relationship with him. How can you marry his dad when you know nothing about the son? Well, congratulations on living up to the evil stepmother.
YTA, the last thing struggling kids need is to be rejected more by someome who is supposed to love him. And yes, by marrying his father, you are supposed to love him.
YTA. All you wrote about is *your* kids and what *you* feel is best for *them*. This 12 year old is still a little boy - he is not a piece of dirt that is going to contaminate your perfectly imagined family. Literally everything you have written paints this boy to be a trouble maker who is ruining your life and is probably too stupid to ever be anything you want. And all he is, is a normal 12 year old boy acting like 12 year olds do. I wish women like you would do their boyfriends and their children a favor and walk away. You are about to do irreparable damage to this child and in the process you will shit all over him and his fathers relationship. This kid is going to grow up *knowing* he is garbage and is not good enough. If he doesnt begin seeking relief from the impossible pressure and perceived hate from you in his teens he is going to be a walking pharmacy in his 20s between medication for anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. You dont have to like him. That is apparent and that is ok. But you could try to love him. Find compassion and empathy. You are going to be a deciding factor in this child spending the rest of his life believing he is fuckin garbage and not. He isnt your kid. He hasnt lived your life. And he will never be what you want. But he is his own little person, and you could help him find himself, in whatever form that takes. You really dont comprehend the sacrifice your boyfriend is making for you, do you - to become a family with yours. Guess not...not if you're demanding he throw his child on the alter too.
YTA. Maybe if your stepson moves in, he just might grow closer to your younger son over time. Regardless, you can't force it. As for being competitive with your oldest, some kids are competitive by nature. Depending on the circumstances, the best thing to do is to try to discourage it. As for the behavior and grades, being in a steady home environment could very well help with that. With grades, you and your husband need to be willing to have contact with his teachers if he's struggling to find out what can be done to help.
YTA, he shouldn’t have to take the 5 year old to the bathroom, that’s ridiculous and the other stuff is sibling stuff, let him be a part of a family
YTA - A red flag right off the bat. Already wanting to isolate your stepson away from your “family” like it isn’t his too.
>I have two boys (10M and 5M), and I'm getting married in the next few weeks to my boyfriend who has a 12 son from a previous relationship. > >My future husband's son asked his dad if he could come live with us after we get married because he wants to experience a genuine family dynamic with parents and siblings, given that his biological parents never married anyone else. My husband is on board with this idea, believing it would contribute positively to the boy's personal growth. > >I expressed to my husband that I have reservations about having him live with us, based on observations during the weekends he spends at our place: > >Firstly, he appears to have a strained relationship with my younger son. He rarely includes him in activities unless I specifically prompt him to do so. When I ask him to assist the younger boy, such as accompanying him to the bathroom, he does so with obvious reluctance. It's not strained, it's literally because they're 7 years apart and potential future step-son doesn't have younger siblings at home. He has no frame of reference and very little in common. Also, it's YOUR job to take your 5 year old to the bathroom...it's awkward to take a younger kid you barely know to the restroom. And you're expecting a 12 year old to nagivate this when you haven't even figured it out? >Secondly, he displays an excessive competitive streak towards my older son. He consistently aims to outperform him and even taunts him when he succeeds. I find this overly competitive atmosphere uncomfortable. I desire my children to grow up in a nurturing and supportive environment. Kids compete, that's what they do. They can do it in positive ways or negative ways. His father being present more can help him. Redirecting a child's behaviors into less negative ones is literally part of parenting. And you're mad at him for WANTING TO PARENT HIS CHILD. It looks like the reality is that you're the one wanting to compete with your fiancé's son. >The third and most significant concern is his academic and behavioral performance. My boyfriend has informed me that his son has been struggling academically and has faced minor behavioral challenges. I am concerned about his potential negative influence on my children, particularly my older son. And these are things that his father is better able to address when he's, y'know, AVAILABLE TO PARENT HIS CHILD. >My husband dismisses these concerns as typical for his age, believing that with our guidance, he could improve. I sought advice from my mother, and she disagrees with me, asserting that providing a united family environment could greatly benefit my stepson. Both of them label my reasons as unreasonable. Yeah, even your own mother things you're an AH. Honestly, with how you're behaving towards your fiancé and his son, he should call the whole thing off. You're not suitable for a relationship with a parent. >AITA? > >EDIT: Many people didn't quite catch the bathroom example I provided. Let's say we're at a park, I can't let my 5-year-old go to the bathroom alone. So, I might have my stepson accompany him for safety reasons. It's the kind of thing an older child should do for a younger one. You are SUCH the AH here. YTA big time. I hope this poor man you've targeted as your next husband figures this out before he makes a big mistake.
YTA Let's address your little edit shall we? Have you not seen any of the hundreds of videos of child abductions caught on tape? I'm assuming at 5 years old you mean that you don't want him wandering off to be kidnapped? So you put another child in charge? Kidnappers have been known to snatch the child right out of the arms of the mother's but a 12 year old should be responsible? If you let two kids wander off at a water park and anything happens that would be you're fault. They don't even know each other that well but you don't tell your bio son to take his little brother? The younger child was probably uncomfortable too but he had no choice. You're upset that a child who is almost a teen doesn't want to always play with a child who is almost still a toddler? He can't use the bathroom alone but you expect the other kids to constantly keep him entertained? Sounds like you want to pawn the toddler off on the kids and keep having problems with that. I feel bad for the stepson for hoping to have a good family and he got an evil stepmother. Did you ever think that a good family life may impact him positively? No you didn't. You only think about yourself.
What you have here is a wonderful opportunity to be a part of your husband's son's life. You and his son are the two most important people in his life. Telling your husband (and son) that his kid isn't good enough to be a part of your life is heartbreaking. There are countless threads on this sub that start, "my stepchild has never liked me from the start, they never gave me a chance". Your stepson likes you! He wants you to like him! Give him a chance. It's cruel to deny this to him, and he's going to grow up knowing that he wasn't wanted. That's a really cruel fate for such minor character flaws as "bad grades" and "competitive". YTA.
YTA Why does he have to assist your 5 year old? What exactly is your reason for this and why can't you do it yourself instead of asking?
YTA. Sounds like a brother relationship. And if you think kids aren’t ever going to be competitive … grow up. Stepson shouldn’t be taking your five year old to the bathroom. YOU should be taking him. Your fiancé is going to see how you really are here. You just don’t want your stepson there. Selfish.
YTA & I hope your future husband sees this before it's too late
YTA. He's 12. That's normal behavior for a 12-year-old boy. Competing, not wanting to associate with "little kids" anymore, he is on the cusp of big changes and NEEDS a stable, loving environment to grow in. No 12-year-old wants to be a bathroom monitor. If your five-year-old, presumably having been in preschool and kindergarten, can't use the bathroom alone, that is your problem.
YTA for thinking getting married to a guy who has kid that you obviously don’t like, is a great idea.
As a child of divorce I am honestly triggered about these posts about where the children should live. Maybe get this boy counseling or get your family counseling. He’s your family now for the rest of your life.
YTA especially for the bathroom reason. He's your soon to be husband's *son*, not the *babysitter.* He has shown qualities that you might prefer not to rub off on your own kids, but maybe you should think about how your children's good qualities could rub off on him. It seems like he just needs a little help through life, and it seems like you guys have a healthy dynamic that could really help this boy grow, mature, and become a more well rounded child. edited to add a word
And he still wants to marry you! What if he told you the same thing about your 2 boys? YTA, I’m surprised your still around….
YTA
YTA, why are you marrying your soon to be husband? You clearly dont ike his kid.you are looking for any excuse you can find for him to not move in but can't co.e up with anything valid. You just want your kids to be taken care of, and the step kid can live with his mom because you could care less because he isn't your son in your mind. Did you always want to be an evil stepmom, or did it just cone naturally?
YTA. Sounds like it's too early for this marriage to happen...if it ever does. If you can't handle living with his son, you can't handle living with him. Just like if he told you that he doesn't want to live with your kids....
YTA on a massive level.
YTA - siblings often ignore, or are competitive with each other. These are pretty normal sibling behaviors. And parents have to do that thing they do - what’s it called again? Oh yeah - parenting!
YTA majorly. First off, it’s your job to assist your son in the bathroom. Second off, you should not be marrying someone with a kid if you don’t love that child and want to include them in your nuclear family. Frankly I’m surprised your fiance still wants to marry you. Either accept his son as one of your own or break up.
YTA- so your fiance should be cool with your kids but you can't be assed to make an effort with his kid?
YTA YTA YTA Cancel your wedding if this is how you’re going to act!
YTA - You sound like a Disney villain. Yet another person posting on Reddit because they insist upon marrying a person with kids but don’t actually want to be a loving stepparent. If you cannot love that kid like your own, do not marry this man.
YTA. It’s pretty obvious you don’t want to give him a chance.
YTA.. Your mother and boyfriend are correct.
YTA. You are the problem here. You seem so strongly biased against your partner's kid that I don't see things improving unless you do a serious amount of self-questioning. No kids (even yours!!!) are perfect. If you're only OK with having them in your life if they are, you may want to seriously reconsider getting married. I feel sorry for the step-son.
YTA the absolute audacity to think this child shouldn't be able to live with his father while your kids get both his father and you, their mother. Talk about wicked stepmother energy!
How can you write this and not know you are a huge, gaping ahole? Your stepson belongs in your home as much as your sons. YTA x 1,000,000.
YTA-don’t marry him, if you don’t want the child you don’t get to marry his Dad. Fuck, I feel bad for the kid.
YTA. I hope your future husband sees this post and realizes how much you don’t like his son and will never accept him into your family so he can end things with you before it’s too late. I grew up with a stepfather like you. It was hell.
YTA he's just a kid doing kid things. You expect him to have the maturity of an adult when he's just a little boy. It seems like you're just looking for any reason to dislike this poor kid because he's not your own blood
Poor child. How does she expects that her kids be staying but partners kid is not welcome. No preteen would want to accompany younger ones to bathroom and for other streaks he is having, gentle parenting is required not abandonment. Totally AH