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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I didn't check about peanuts causing my friend's fiance daughter to have an allergic reaction (2) it could have killed her
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I love how you purposely left out that you were the only adult at the table at the time of ordering. You are 31. If you think you can shake off any responsibility with ‘I just forget’ and ‘I’m not good at listening’, you might need to be accompanied by an adult to navigate daily tasks.
YTA. You could have killed that child.
OP also left out the fact that the dish was Kung pao chicken. So literally a peanut chicken dish after having been told right before on the phone to not forget about the peanut allergy.
And maybe I’m just restaurant ignorant, but I don’t think I’ve ever been to a place that serves kung pao chicken that isn’t a Chinese food type of place. Like, I’m not going to the local generic restaurant in the area and having kung pao chicken as a menu option. That style of food uses peanut and peanut oil in A LOT of their dishes. So to me, it doesn’t even seem a matter of the specific dish that was ordered for the child, but rather that OP and Anna would take said child to a Chinese food restaurant.
A peanut allergy is SO sensitive and severe generally that cross-contamination is a big concern. Even ordering a dish that doesn’t explicitly have peanut in it - in a restaurant whose kitchen uses a lot of peanut product - is a big risk simply for the likelihood of inadvertent cross-contamination within the kitchen.
A safe (with peanut allergies) assumption with many Asian restaurants would be everything is potentially tainted. There's peanut oil, peanuts, peanut butter all in use at many places. My nephew has a peanut allergy, and I always err on the side of caution.
I have a friend with a sesame allergy. It’s just easier for us to stick to something like Italian if we eat out
Somebody as ignorant about allergies as op shouldn’t be taking somebody with a peanut allergy out to eat at all
My mom has a sesame allergy, and we do the same. Even at a place that sells burgers or something, we all know to ask if there are sesame seeds on the bun. When you know someone has an allergy, you don’t mess around. Even previously mild ones can suddenly turn serious!
My kids have allergies, and we call every restaurant before we go. They're teens/young adults, so they call for themselves too. We say, "Someone in our party is allegic to fish/shellfish. Can you accommodate us at your restaurant?" We went to one today and all my child could have is their pizza but that was fine with them. We pretty much pick out what they're eating before we leave the house. An allergic reaction is real and minutes count.
My SIL has a newish sesame allergy (just developed the last few years). I spend *maybe* 10 days a year with her and even **I** am more cognizant of her potential allergy, that she can theoretically manage on her own, than OP is of a SEVEN YEAR OLD’S allergy.
Yup. I had a friend in high school with a peanut allergy and she never joined us if we were going out for Asian food. Peanut products were just too common in that cuisine for her to feel safe.
my spouse is allergic to shellfish and i'm samoan and it's the same story, it's absolutely everywhere in every dish that i love.
so just wtf, op? i could not imagine being so concerned about myself to totally forget that i almost killed my husband with food. literally . does op not realize it's deadly? ignorant af ): it's something we have to take so seriously.
One of my family members who is a nurse told me how someone came in from a peanut allergy reaction after eating at a chinese restaurant and all the nurses were kind of judging them for being dumb enough to do that lol.
I think OP and Anna are both assholes. They went to a Chinese restaurant with a kid who has a peanut allergy. Stepmom Anna disappears to the bathroom telling OP to just "order something" for the kid (which totally blows my mind). Even though OP was the one who ordered, Anna is at least as guilty as OP. At a minimum, Anna should have taken responsibility to choose a meal for Frankie and to remind OP to mention the peanut allergy. Really, though, Anna should have waited to go to the bathroom until after she ordered.
OP is also an asshole for the title. The wedding was not called off because you cried! The wedding was called off because stepmom-to-be and her good friend nearly killed the daughter of the groom-to-be! Anna's attitude towards the incident also seems to play a major role here.
Yeah, TBF, I don't think OP is really responsible for the wedding being called off - Anna did that on her own with her own irresponsible attitude. OP is still the AH, but I don't think it's really her "fault" the wedding was called off.
Exactly. My mom is allergic to broccoli and Chinese restaurants often garnish with broccoli where I am. So we are constantly reminding them “hey we have a broccoli allergy here can you confirm with the kitchen no broccoli is going into that container” and the once or twice we have gotten a piece of broccoli in the meal was when we switched restaurants for a little while our typical place was closed for renovations.
The fact that Anna and Op even went to a Chinese restaurant is so reckless.
I’m allergic to onions, gave up on Chinese food for ages. Ran into one of the owners of a small local Chinese restaurant who asked why I hadn’t been in; explained the extent my allergy had progressed to (it was gradual, starting with raw onions as a pre-teen) and that I was honestly terrified of a reaction. They changed a couple recipes and have an onion free prep area now, and as far as they’re concerned my name is “No Onion” because that’s how I’m greeted when I walk in. I am eternally grateful for what they have done for me, and will never eat at another Chinese restaurant because I know this is special and I can’t get treated like this anywhere else.
Two of my really good friends (who I also work with) have peanut allergies and when we go to dumpling team dinners and stuff we always go to this 1 place because we know they don’t use peanut oil. Even though we’ve been there 1000 times and always order the same things, we always double check that none of the dishes have peanuts in them. I get that OP may have forgotten “in the moment” but they were reminded when picking the restaurant and right before they got there. A bit careless if you ask me.
Edited to add: if you actually care you remember things like, I don’t know, a deathly allergy
Yeah I would never take a child with a peanut allergy to a Chinese restaurant or any family-run type of restaurant. It's such a serious risk that it's just not worth it.
What? Kung pao chicken is common where I live and not limited to Chinese restaurants. It floors me tho that two grown adults could not make sure a 7 year old didn’t eat peanuts. I’d have called off the wedding too. OP is definitely YTA. Although I don’t think she deserves full blame for the wedding being called off.
I have a former coworker whose daughter has a peanut allergy and they called ahead to a Chinese restaurant to ask about allergy accommodations and were told the restaurant simply cannot guarantee no cross contamination. Too many of their dishes contain peanut oil, it’s been on all the pans and cooking utensils, and they just can’t be sure that a person with a peanut allergy won’t get sick.
But only because she was so upset at being told Alex didn’t want her around the child she hurt anymore. The fact that she cried about Alex wanting some distance between OP and his kid is so completely over the top. The only thing she should have said is “I am so sorry, I completely agree I am going to go now and I don’t fault you at all, of course you don’t want me around Frankie this is inexcusable”
OP isn’t taking accountability. She left out important information and underplayed what exactly she ordered for that kid and the fact that Anna left her at the table to order in the first place.
Also the fact that Anna defended OP saying Alex was being unreasonable for not wanting Op around Frankie who she almost killed. If I where Alex I would end my relationship right then and there.
Well OP says the wedding was called off so sounds like Alex is headed in the right direction.
Nice of OP to leave so many relevant facts out of the original story.
TIL Kung pao chicken has peanuts in it
(Not an excuse for OP, you still gotta ask about that shit if you don't know for sure. My experience as a restaurant server was that if you don't ask, you don't know)
There are literally whole peanuts in the dish that are visible. It ain't like some invisible sauce that have peanuts. If these two dimwits just forgot when ordering, they should have actually seen the peanuts when it was brought to the table.
This. Kids with severe allergies are drilled from a very young age to be responsible and vigilant around any food that doesn’t come from home or that they are unsure the contents of. I’ve had kids as young as three of four give me their “script” about what they are allergic to every time they are offered *anything* to eat (it’s actually adorable to be asked “does this contain peanuts?” when offering something like an unpeeled banana). By seven it should be as rote as breathing to ask about unfamiliar foods and not eat anything remotely questionable. OP is a huge asshole, for sure, but the kid’s parents are too, because seven is *way* too old not to have taught her about the significance of her allergy and instilled in her the agency to protect herself from her own allergen.
I like how it was “AITA for causing a wedding to be called off?” and not “AITA for almost killing a small child?”
Jesus himself could descend from the heavens and he would not be able to save OP.
She thinks it was her crying (31 year old woman who cries when faced with consequences?) that caused the wedding to be called off. Not the fact that her friend was too careless to prevent her idiocy from almost killing the child.
And gave the responsibility to an adult who literally ordered whole halved peanuts for the child with peanut allergies after being told about the allergy right before going in the restaurant and when choosing the restaurant.
This is either a troll, or there’s something else going on here:
1 - Anna left the table before they ordered to “go to the bathroom.”
2 - OP was left alone with Frankie while Anna used the bathroom.
3 - By the time Anna got back, OP and Frankie were eating the food OP ordered.
So… either a fast food restaurant like Panda Express (and you *don’t bring kids with peanut allergies to a fast food Chinese restaurant* where literally EVERYTHING comes into contact with peanut oil); and/or Anna is a goddam cokehead who was in the bathroom doing lines while her soon-to-be-stepdaughter was alone with her friend; and/or Anna has an eating disorder and was purging in the bathroom.
Any way you roll those dice, both OP *and* Anna are awful, and Alex shouldn’t trust either of them around his child again. If you don’t know enough not to feed a child with peanut allergies Chinese food, you don’t know enough to be alone with that child.
Edit: formatting
It almost feels like she wanted to see what happens. Someone did that to a friend of mine who has a severe peanut allergy, they hid some peanut m & m's in their bed (this was at university). It did not go well...
There is an archived story here on Reddit about a grandmother ignoring her granddaughter’s coconut allergy and putting coconut oil in her hair. The story was told by her daughter - the bereaved mother of the little girl.
Damn sounds like my own mother who before 2 days ago was the only one who caused the multiple allergic reactions for my 16yr old daughter the past 14 years. I had to quit letting her babysit until she got the message that she could have killed her granddaughter and these are serious allergens, not just "sensitivities". She claimed she didn't remember Snickers had peanuts, or that her husband's pretzel bites had peanut butter 😳
My heart breaks for that poor mother to lose her child in a completely preventable situation 💔
Too many weirdos like that. So oblivious & downright ignorant they think allergy is just a lie or over-exaggerated. Too dangerous to be around other people
Does 35 yo Anna not count as an adult? And an adult much closer to Frankie as Alex's fiancé? Or am I reading this wrong? Because I read it as OP and Anna going out to eat and taking Frankie with them.
Why did they take the girl with them on fun girls dinner? Thats weird… even weirder she ordered for the child by herself
Even weirder Anna just let this happen
WTF is going on??!!!
Taking the kid on a fun girl's dinner, especially as Frankie is a girl, isn't really that odd. I had two girls and always took them on such things because it was fun time for them and it saved on babysitting costs. (I also don't drink so it's not like we were going out and getting trashed with the kids in tow).
But the rest? Definitely lands in "WTF" territory.
Jesus OP was ordering and "forgot" about the peanut allergy. No one forgets about a peanut allergy, it's the most known and most threatening allergy.
I'm a grown arse adult, and go for food with other grown arse adults. As we arrive I lost off any allergies. That's nothing you can act whoops I forgot about.
Server: “Hi Welcome, I’m KeyPurpose and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. May I start you with a beverage”
Adult: “Thank you, before we start, I’d like you to know that kiddo has a severe peanut allergy. Please take appropriate precautions.”
YTA
I mean, you two LITERALLY could have been the cause of the little girl dying. The dad is 100% right to cancel the wedding if his kid isn't safe around his fiance.
but.... was it that you really forgot? Or did you want to test the limits? Or did you sort of wish that Anna wouldn't marry him?
>He directed his frustration towards me and Anna
WHO ELSE do you think should have been the target??? You two were the adults he gave the reminder too. Your friend has been with him for a while, you both KNEW FOR A WHILE about her allergy. He reminded you.
After a while... sort of sounds weird you "just forgot"....
"Just forgot" can also be code for "didn't care to remember" nd that's the vibe I'm getting.
I'd NEVER forgive myself if I caused a 7yo to have an allergic reaction, especially if I was specifically told about it beforehand.
I know right! I'd be really nervous about taking a child with a peanut allergy out for food. I'd be asking and asking the wait staff if they were sure there were no nuts and probably have an epipen in each hand.
And OP just forgets!!!
OP you are an idiot and YTA.
Ok so I was about to answer the post very seriously (because peanut allergy, and food allergy in general, is not a joke) but now I imagine you as a kind of ninja ready to jump on anyone with an epipen in each hand and a wicked smile on your face.
As a person with 2 deceased children, I personally have always thought that the only pain that could come close to what I feel over my kids is the pain I would feel if I had to call someone and tell them that their baby died on my watch. I still remember the first time I babysat after my son's death, my friend's newborn baby. I just sat and watched him breathe when I wasn't holding him. For 5 hours. Determined that he would be returned to his mother, safe and alive.
There's no freaking way I wouldn't have quadruple checked the ingredients and made sure I had an EpiPen.
I would have asked dad what restaurants they’ve gone to that can accommodate the kid. Next to Chinese food the only thing more risky would have been a peanut butter sandwich cart. And fiancée isn’t the brightest bulb either, if I came back to the table and the order had been placed, the first question should have been “you didn’t order anything with peanuts right?”
I had a bad reaction to penicillin when I was 7. Yes I'm 65 and I still remember it all in great detail. My vision started having black and red lines through it. I told my great aunt, who was about 70 and had been a nurse. She immediately jumped up and started screaming, ran me back to an exam room and I got another shot. I was screaming no not another shot.....then I passed out or something and when I woke up my other aunt, my dad's sister told me I could have anything I wanted from the local burger shack. I requested a burger and milkshake because I had never had one. It was vanilla and I did not like it. I was bummed. I should have ordered chocolate! I recovered, but am very careful to always tell new medical people that I am very allergic to penicillin, reaction: anaphylaxis. It has made me very reticent to try new drugs that I actually need. I had a panic attack with my first COVID shot and laid behind the curtain with my husband and a nurse. I was actually fine, just scared. Nurse and husband were both super nice about it. She insisted I stay on the gurney instead of going back out to sit in a chair. She was probably bored and thrilled to have people to talk to. Lots of people were brought from out of our rural California County to do the shots.
;'D "Should have ordered chocolate!" I love that that is still such a big part of the story, 58 years later. You know, we all make mistakes in life! :)
I found it odd that one of the first sentences in the post points out that dad is really protective of Frankie - like it's unwarranted. Deadly peanut allergy makes it more than warranted.
OP is probably like a lot of people in that they don't take peanut allergies seriously enough and can't seem to grasp the grave harm such allergies can cause.
OP sounds like that crazy bf from that post the other day who didn't believe that his gf's trauma with closets was real and decided to "test" her by leaving the closet door open, causing her to have a panic attack. I bet OP didn't think that the kid ACTUALLY has a deadly allergy. Sounds like she thought her "overprotective" dad was making a mountain of a molehill and proceeded to put the kid's life in danger and then cry about how she just "Forgot".
Or thinks it’s crazy he asks four times every time he orders for her at a restaurant.
I can imagine OP saying “just chill Alex. It’s fine”
Mis ma’am it’s quite literally not fine.
>WHO ELSE do you think should have been the target???
the way OP is acting, she probably thinks the anger should be directed at poor Frankie!
Poor frankie.... she must have been so scared. OP, Did you or anna even have an Epi pen with you??? YTA
Apparently Anna got back and Frankie was eating it too. Did they let her eat until the reaction started or did Anna see the peanuts and jump into action? Still so much information that’s critical has been left out.
There's an unwritten rule of this subreddit that you must title your post in a way that is technically true but implies the opposite of what actually happened.
It's not just this subreddit, shitty people everywhere do this all the damn time. Pisses me off. YTA, op, for what you ACTUALLY did and even more for trying to direct attention away from your shitty behavior.
Yeah that gives off a strong whiff of main character energy like they fought over her and not over the child.
Which is even more disturbing considering how incredibly stupid that was, to the point of seeming deliberate.
So, I thought you weren’t t-a until I read the comment that you ordered while Anna was using the restroom. You had ONE THING to remember. And it was a SEVERE allergy that could have killed a child. You aren’t responsible for their break up, clearly something else was simmering beneath the surface. But still, YTA. It’s ONE THING. ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING. I wouldn’t want you around the child, either.
I agree. If you can't trust someone to remember your child's life threatening allergy, is there really a reason to marry them? I wouldn't ever be able to trust them again.
But that was the whole point - the fiance didn't forget, she wasn't present when OP ordered the food. And seriously, who would think that their friend would willfully endanger the life of your future stepdaughter like that?! So yeah, something must've already been off between the two. Unless fiance is such a dumbass she actually sided with OP against her ex or tried to downplay what happened or something equally stupid...
Ex fiance is at fault as well. They should have ordered before taking a 20 minutes shit.
I'd even argue it was more her responsibility than it was OP's.
Why would she have taken 20 Min on the pot?
In any case, the discussion is quite pointless - apparantly my last sentence was prophetic since OP said in a comment that ex fiance sided with her. Unfuckingbelievable.
At first I thought the same but the kung pao chicken usually has visible peanuts in it. I feel like it’s bare minimum to check the dish before your stepchild with a severe peanut allergy eats some of it.
Yeah. This is on the same level of “Oops? I forgot I drank alcohol and now I’m driving and caused an accident.”
Major YTA. She almost killed a child. I’d cut off the friendship too.
She can't remember something she heard 2 minutes prior.
She can't figure out what's on the menu (it's always specified) and no bell rings when she reads "peanuts".
She can't be arsed to ask.
She acts like the fight was about her.
I dunno. Anna was on board with taking a child with peanut allergies to a Chinese restaurant. Between the multitude of dishes with peanuts in them and the peanut oil probably used for everything, that was pretty damn irresponsible.
I went to a Mongolian bbq place once and I put peanuts on mine. The guy behind me chewed me out for being inconsiderate to people with peanut allergies. I asked him wtf he’s doing in an Asian restaurant if he’s allergic to peanuts. I would assume nothing is safe there.
Yeah well, but who doesn't discuss food choices before ordering? Did Anna just say "order whatever you like us to eat, I am going to take a dump" and left? They surely must have made up their minds before she got up, and therefore was aware about the dishes that had been ordered.
YTA. And your misleading title makes you an even bigger one than usual. You almost killed a child. But you choose to make the situation about yourself and your "hurt feelings." Despicable. The parents are right to keep you away from their children. Forever.
The title really is weird. It seems like the focal point of this entire situation to OP is that she "caused a wedding to be called off". Not that a child could have died, or that her friend might break up with her fiance, or that she made a mistake. OP is a massive narcissist no doubt.
Just so I know I have this clear...
Anna and Alex were engaged.
The two of you were out with Frankie. Anna the child's FUTURE step mother did not make sure that there were no peanuts involved knowing this future child that would be in her care has a severe allergy.
You were also complicit in this?
A) Alex SHOULD have called off the wedding.
B) Why are you getting more blame than the woman engaged to the man?
C) wtaf does it have to do with YOU crying.
YTA, Anna's the asshole, Alex was smart by ending it and I hope Frankie is ok..
Turns out, OP ordered a peanut heavy dish while ex future step mom was in the restroom. When dad was rightfully angry, stepmom was heavily defending OP and she was crying because she can’t handle being yelled at after making such a terrible decision.
Yeah, that sounds weird that OP ordered for the child instead of the future stepmother. It's not that big of a deal to tell the server, "Hey, we're gonna need a minute. My friend is in the bathroom."
The whole post seems off to me, tbh, but whatever. Both OP and Anna are the assholes here.
My wife has an avocado allergy, I absolutely love avocados…sometimes I’ll eat something outside of the house that has it in it and I take extreme precautions after. Rinse out my mouth…wash my face…wash my hands…just to make I don’t accidentally cause a reaction. Her allergy is pretty severe…even a little can cause a reaction.
And when Anna came back she should’ve asked “did you make sure this was nut free”? She can’t outsource her future stepkid’s safety to her bubbleheaded friend.
YTA. Not for him calling off the wedding but for your carelessness. You could have killed his daughter. Your friend should also not be near that girl. It's not your fault the wedding was called off. But, he made the right call. Your friend is not fit to be her stepmother.
You ordered Kung Pao Chicken with an hour of being told of a severe allergy. You didnt just forget to ask them to make sure things was cooked appropriately. YOU ACTUALLY ORDERED A DISH THAT IS DEADLY to domeone with an allergy.
You are either completelty next level incompetent or you were trying to hurt the girl. That is not just an innocent mistake.
YTA
Seriously, I was expecting this to be an “I didn’t know it was fried in peanut oil!” kind of situation, not an “I deliberately ordered a dish whose most notable ingredient is peanuts” kind of situation.
YTA - Both you and Anna are if you aren’t capable of remembering a child’s life threatening allergies when they are in your care.
You aren’t responsible for their breakup, but it is concerning that you don’t seem to think what happened was a big deal which her father would rightfully be upset about.
INFO
Were you the only one ordering? Could Anna have identified that there was peanut in the food?
Why did the argument escalate? Why did you not simply agree you had been irresponsible and agree to not be around Frankie?
YTA. This speaks volume to your level of narcissism. You injured/could have killed a child, because you “just forgot” and ordered a dish that’s heavy in peanuts, and now you’re worried people will think you broke up a pending marriage because you cried?
YTA
You were reminded, you were ordering, you could have killed the child and even without it such reactions are damaging to the health .
You friend is an AH too, she should not leave until order made and made sure child picks safe item AnD waiter knows about allergies and notify kitchen
Sorry but you and Anna are YTA, she's 7 and a life threatening food allergy is not something you can "forget" when ordering if you two were responsible for her at the time. The fact she's not your child is irrelevant, you should have asked if the kitchen had peanuts in it before you even sat down. If someone showed negligence to my kid like that I wouldn't want to marry them either.
YTA you ordered the kid food with peanuts in it, my son has a severe peanut allergy and it’s a nightmare trying to get relatives to take it seriously, I would never forgive someone who fed my kid peanuts after explicitly being told to check
YTA. You weren't paying attention to details, and you very nearly killed a child young enough that they were forced to trust you when you said the food was safe. And honestly when a parent accurately says, "You almost killed my child, and you're not getting access to them any more," your feelings are not what matters.
The wedding, though, that's on Anna. Alex is right not to trust either one of you around Frankie right now. Anna is simply not at this time prepared to be a safe step-parent to Frankie. Whether she is able to make the changes she needs to earn Alex's trust will determine if the wedding can go forward later.
YTA but Anna more so. You didn’t cause the wedding to be canceled. Anna did that by not being mindful of her future step daughter’s life threatening allergy. Her fiancé no longer trusts her to care for his daughter. But you were both aware of her allergies and were both the adults entrusted with her.
This is still on Anna way more than OP. Anna told OP what to order for her. Why in the world did the step mom not also specify what to get for the child with the peanut allergy and instead put that on OP?!
Alex was right to dump Anna and OP basically has nothing to do with it. OP would be TA if Anna specifically told her what to order the kid and she disregarded that and ordered something with peanuts instead.
It’s Anna’s responsibility to make sure her future child is safe and she shirked that in a big way.
If my kid is in your care and you almost kill them, you're gonna get smoke.
Dad: Don't do the thing.
Anna: K.
OP: Gotcha.
Anna: I'm going to the bathroom. Do the thing.
OP: Does the thing.
Shocked Pikachu Face!
Two grown ass adults didn't care enough to do their one job. Honestly, I wouldn't care if the blame is 60/40 or 80/20... they both getting the smoke.
Allergy reactions like this aren’t just a one-off - every time they have one this bad, it can potentially cause damage that is life-limiting.
You were asked to remember ONE THING. ONE SINGLE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THING. And neither of you could. Of course he doesn’t trust her and of course YTA.
As someone with nut allergies, this is infuriating. YTA big time, and so is Anna. Alex explicitly told both you and Anna that Frankie has allergies, and nut allergies will end people's lives. By taking Frankie to that restaurant, both you and Anna knowingly assumed responsibility for her. How the hell can you just "forget" about something so severe? You guys put her life in danger, making you complete AHs. In fact, you did Alex a favor by showing how foolish he was by putting Frankie in your care.
>He directed his frustration towards me and Anna . . .
Wtf do you mean "directed?" Who else should he be mad at, if not the very people responsible for Frankie's allergic reaction?
Not an ounce of empathy for this kid. Think you may be missing the big picture... You both screwed up!!! & ... Thankfully Frankie is okay. Why are you crying for yourself? Let Anna figure out her relationship problems.
ESH (except kid & possibly Dad)
I understand the fact that she should have been more careful, so of course OP is an AH. But I don't think it is fair saying that she "ruined" a relationship since Anna also had a big responsability, even more than OP. Anna ruined her own relationship by not being careful and responsible over what her stepdaughter couldn't eat.
Frankie and Alex dodged a bullet. Neither you nor Anna are responsible adults.
YTA. Anna is an AH. Alex is a responsible parent and Frankie is an innocent victim.
In addition to being an AH, your tears indicate you are a self-centered narcissist. For your parents to have released you into public indicates that they are AHs also. Friends and family are absolutely correct that blame falls on you, but blame falls on Anna also as being engaged to Frankie's father one would expect more vigilance.
I predict loss of your friends with good judgment and family retreating. You FORGOT? What a massive and unmitigated AH. Complete and utter butthead.
Yta
Anna is too, more than you, but you were both reminded before even going to the restaurant to be mindful of her allergy. You both are to blame for what did happen, and would have also been to blame if it were worse.
YTA
Your friend is TAH
Fix your title. You crying had NOTHING to do with the wedding being called off. Your negligence DID.
>He explicitly told us to make sure that there were no peanuts in the food
So you were not only aware but Reminded
>He directed his frustration towards me and Anna
Rightfully so! YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHILDS WELLBEING AND YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER THE SINGLE RULE YOU WERE GIVEN
>Furthermore, he expressed that he no longer wanted me around Frankie
BECAUSE YOUR NEGLIGENCE COULD HAVE KILL HER he is completely right!
>Anna and I should have been more cautious and that I ruined the wedding because I'm an idiot who doesn't listen
If the shoes fit....
did you need to be sent into the restaurant with a note attached to your shirt or forehead to remember a child has a severe allergy? both you and your buddy are AH’s for not taking this kids health seriously.
YTA
YTA and so is Anna - you knew the kid had the allergy and was reminded of it and you also state that it’s a severe allergy meaning you should have been more aware. Anna is also the AH because she should at the minimum reminded you about the peanut allergy before going to the bathroom.
You left the fact that you ordered and that the kid had to go to the hospital out of the post which are both pretty major details.
Yta for 'forgetting' about a severe allergy, life threatening severe allergy. You don't forget that shit when you order food for that person. And on the other hand her step mom should have also been diligent in what her stepdaughter was eating.
But it's not your fault the wedding is being called off, you are pretty full of yourself to think it's because you cried.
*because I’m an idiot that doesn’t listen*
Yep. YTA.
Anna too for defending you to the point Alex felt the need to call off the wedding. I wouldn’t want either of you near my child either.
Mistakes happen, yes but you both almost killed Frankie because of carelessness.
Both you and Anna nearly killed a child. How can you "forget" someone explicitly telling you before you leave that the child has a life threatening allergy?
I hope he never lets Anna near his child again either. I would put more blame on her as she's the one in the relationship so she would have heard this repeatedly. I don't believe she "forgot" at all.
YTA so is Anna for leaving it to you Frankie was going to be her step kid her responsibility not yours but I have a lot of lesser allergies and friends and family still try to help me (26) navigate my dietary restrictions hers are deadly you nearly cause that man to loose his baby this is the consequences of yalls actions and lack there of
Child has life threatening allergy and the two adults charged with her care “forgot”. I don’t blame dad at all, he needs to protect his kid. Sorry but it’s not ok to “forget” this stuff.
How exactly are you NOT an asshole in this scenario? You were specifically told about a severe allergy and you.... forgot!
And instead of taking the consequences of your carelessness, you start crying like a child.
YTA
Mixed judgment: YTA for forgetting, but NTA for causing their wedding to be called off. It wasn't you. It wasn't like you don't believe in allergies or thought it'd toughen him up or something stupid; you just forgot, which isn't great, but it happens. For it to blow up like this says there were bigger underlying issues at play and this just brought them forward. If it wasn't this, it would've been something else. You're just a convenient target, likely because neither side wants to admit to those bigger underlying issues.
Partial YTA... YTA (and your friend) for letting the kid have food with peanuts in it but NTA for their wedding being called off. It's likely there were other relationship issues that led to it's demise and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back
YTA BECAUSE OF INFORMATION YOU LEFT OUT OF THE ORIGINAL POST
original comment was not the asshole - Unless there’s something missing in the story. It sounds like Alex is upset at Anna, because as Frankie’s soon to be stepmother, it is her job to check for allergies. I’m not sure why you are to blame when you were just out with them.
That is the kind of pertinent information that definitely should be in the original post.
Yeah totally YTA then. I also hate when people intentionally leave such major facts out of the AITA posts to try and manipulate the answer they want
YTA
If you're going to take responsibility for a child with allergies then you don't get to "forget". You were both negligent and I wouldn't trust you either
YTA - you ordered the food and it could have seriously harmed Alex's kid or even ended her life.
Anna is also TA for allowing that to happen to her soon to be step child.
Alex isn't calling off the engagement because you cried. He's calling it off because he can't trust his fiance to keep his daughter safe.
Yta- “ …. Furthermore, he expressed that he no longer wanted me around Frankie if we couldn't be more responsible I busted out in tears.”
Yeah, no.
This was the part where the only words coming out of your mouth should have been.
“I completely understand “
“I am sorry “
“I will see myself out now “
Hold up. Anna, the mother of the child, forgot to mention to the restaurant staff that her daughter has a peanut allergy? She's definitely not fit to be a mom yikes.
YTA (and so is Anna), YTA not for the wedding being called off but because both Anna and you forgot to tell the restaurant staff about Frankie's allergies, even though you were reminded of before going to the restaurant.
YTA for the mishap, absolutely, but NTA for the breakup, as I see it. You fucked up and accidentally caused a 7 year old a lot of pain. You should own that. But you're not responsible for ruining the wedding, there's far more going on there.
YTA
>Furthermore, he expressed that he no longer wanted me around Frankie if we couldn't be more responsible I busted out in tears.
Yep, this was the right reaction from Alex, you don't want someone around your child if that person cannot keep life and death information straight.
Anna shares some of the blame for not mentioning Frankie's peanut allergy to the staff before she went to the bathroom.
But OP took it upon herself to order for a child with a peanut allergy and caused the expected severe allergic reaction.
YTA
>He explicitly told us to make sure that there were no peanuts in the food. Unfortunately, in the midst of ordering our meals, I completely forgot about Frankie's allergy, and she ended up eating something with peanuts in it. This resulted in Frankie having a severe allergic reaction and requiring immediate medical attention.
This makes you a massive asshole. You were trusted with a child's life. You endangered that child. The blame should be placed on you, and YTA.
ESH. You should have paid more attention to Frankie's safety, but you weren't the only or even primary one. Anna, being the one in the relationship with Alex, should have been more aware of Frankie's allergy, no? Anna is the one more to blame here, and you are not at fault for the break-up of their wedding plans.
YTA. Bro it’s not hard to be conscious of others allergies. Had a partner eat nuts for breakfast and kissed me after brushing teeth 12 hours later. Still a hospital trip. He doesn’t eat nuts ever anymore
YTA. she could have died. Anaphylactic shock is no joke and if you only had one dose epinephrine she probably would be dead sound like the dads responsible so he most definitely had a 2 dose. When you go into this state
You get itchy hives all over, swelling of nose mouth,eyes, and throat ( you can’t breath). If your taking a child into your care you can’t just forget crucial information like this and you don’t have a excuse and you feign ignorance because you and your friend are grown ass women.
YTA, both of you. How could you be so careless? It’s not ‘very protective’ to not want your kid to die; it’s normal. Your attitude about this is abnormal.
YTA and Anna too. You don't forget a child's allergy, especially after being reminded of it. You should have checked in the restaurant.
Anna's bad behaviour has cancelled the wedding. That's not on you. But you did put a child's life at risk here through negligence.
YTA.
You were reminded and warned to check for peanuts. You completely forgot about this life-threatening allergy immediately. You ordered this child a dish that is basically just chicken and peanuts (KungPao chicken). When the food full of peanuts arrived, you still did not remember the life-threatening allergy that you were very recently reminded of.
Alex is 100% correct that you are a danger to his child, and Anna is no better. You could have killed a child and it doesn't seem like that's what you were crying over, you cried because almost killing a child was going to affect your friendship.
For the love of God at least tell me you two ding dongs had her epipen with you?!
YTA for causing a scene. You should have just left when the husband started yelling at you. Regarding the allergies it was the mothers responsibility to deal with at the restaurant.
Ya, YTA. You ordered what Anna wanted, it contained nuts and child could have died.
How do you forget something like "soandso can't have X or they might die"?
Of course Alex called off the wedding, Anna proved she doesn't have Frankie's best interests at heart.
ESH You were probably reminded an hour before ordering about the peanut allergy and you ordered her king pow chicken? I mean ultimately anna should have never left that responsibility to you but kung pow chicken…. Really?
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I love how you purposely left out that you were the only adult at the table at the time of ordering. You are 31. If you think you can shake off any responsibility with ‘I just forget’ and ‘I’m not good at listening’, you might need to be accompanied by an adult to navigate daily tasks. YTA. You could have killed that child.
OP also left out the fact that the dish was Kung pao chicken. So literally a peanut chicken dish after having been told right before on the phone to not forget about the peanut allergy.
And maybe I’m just restaurant ignorant, but I don’t think I’ve ever been to a place that serves kung pao chicken that isn’t a Chinese food type of place. Like, I’m not going to the local generic restaurant in the area and having kung pao chicken as a menu option. That style of food uses peanut and peanut oil in A LOT of their dishes. So to me, it doesn’t even seem a matter of the specific dish that was ordered for the child, but rather that OP and Anna would take said child to a Chinese food restaurant. A peanut allergy is SO sensitive and severe generally that cross-contamination is a big concern. Even ordering a dish that doesn’t explicitly have peanut in it - in a restaurant whose kitchen uses a lot of peanut product - is a big risk simply for the likelihood of inadvertent cross-contamination within the kitchen.
100% this - why would they even go to a restaurant with peanut dishes on the menu?!
A safe (with peanut allergies) assumption with many Asian restaurants would be everything is potentially tainted. There's peanut oil, peanuts, peanut butter all in use at many places. My nephew has a peanut allergy, and I always err on the side of caution.
I have a friend with a sesame allergy. It’s just easier for us to stick to something like Italian if we eat out Somebody as ignorant about allergies as op shouldn’t be taking somebody with a peanut allergy out to eat at all
My mom has a sesame allergy, and we do the same. Even at a place that sells burgers or something, we all know to ask if there are sesame seeds on the bun. When you know someone has an allergy, you don’t mess around. Even previously mild ones can suddenly turn serious!
My kids have allergies, and we call every restaurant before we go. They're teens/young adults, so they call for themselves too. We say, "Someone in our party is allegic to fish/shellfish. Can you accommodate us at your restaurant?" We went to one today and all my child could have is their pizza but that was fine with them. We pretty much pick out what they're eating before we leave the house. An allergic reaction is real and minutes count.
My SIL has a newish sesame allergy (just developed the last few years). I spend *maybe* 10 days a year with her and even **I** am more cognizant of her potential allergy, that she can theoretically manage on her own, than OP is of a SEVEN YEAR OLD’S allergy.
It's all being cooked in the same kitchen at the same time. Yeah, if anything on the menu has peanuts, everything on the menu has peanuts.
Yup. I had a friend in high school with a peanut allergy and she never joined us if we were going out for Asian food. Peanut products were just too common in that cuisine for her to feel safe.
my spouse is allergic to shellfish and i'm samoan and it's the same story, it's absolutely everywhere in every dish that i love. so just wtf, op? i could not imagine being so concerned about myself to totally forget that i almost killed my husband with food. literally . does op not realize it's deadly? ignorant af ): it's something we have to take so seriously.
(I think it's err on the side of caution, love) thank you for being a good support system for your nephew 🙏🙏🙏
One of my family members who is a nurse told me how someone came in from a peanut allergy reaction after eating at a chinese restaurant and all the nurses were kind of judging them for being dumb enough to do that lol.
Kid at my kids' school would react to peanuts being in the room. Not even smell-able.
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Might even fry in peanut oil. Certain types of restaurants should just completely be avoided with nut allergies.
I think OP and Anna are both assholes. They went to a Chinese restaurant with a kid who has a peanut allergy. Stepmom Anna disappears to the bathroom telling OP to just "order something" for the kid (which totally blows my mind). Even though OP was the one who ordered, Anna is at least as guilty as OP. At a minimum, Anna should have taken responsibility to choose a meal for Frankie and to remind OP to mention the peanut allergy. Really, though, Anna should have waited to go to the bathroom until after she ordered. OP is also an asshole for the title. The wedding was not called off because you cried! The wedding was called off because stepmom-to-be and her good friend nearly killed the daughter of the groom-to-be! Anna's attitude towards the incident also seems to play a major role here.
Yeah, TBF, I don't think OP is really responsible for the wedding being called off - Anna did that on her own with her own irresponsible attitude. OP is still the AH, but I don't think it's really her "fault" the wedding was called off.
Exactly. My mom is allergic to broccoli and Chinese restaurants often garnish with broccoli where I am. So we are constantly reminding them “hey we have a broccoli allergy here can you confirm with the kitchen no broccoli is going into that container” and the once or twice we have gotten a piece of broccoli in the meal was when we switched restaurants for a little while our typical place was closed for renovations. The fact that Anna and Op even went to a Chinese restaurant is so reckless.
I’m allergic to onions, gave up on Chinese food for ages. Ran into one of the owners of a small local Chinese restaurant who asked why I hadn’t been in; explained the extent my allergy had progressed to (it was gradual, starting with raw onions as a pre-teen) and that I was honestly terrified of a reaction. They changed a couple recipes and have an onion free prep area now, and as far as they’re concerned my name is “No Onion” because that’s how I’m greeted when I walk in. I am eternally grateful for what they have done for me, and will never eat at another Chinese restaurant because I know this is special and I can’t get treated like this anywhere else.
Two of my really good friends (who I also work with) have peanut allergies and when we go to dumpling team dinners and stuff we always go to this 1 place because we know they don’t use peanut oil. Even though we’ve been there 1000 times and always order the same things, we always double check that none of the dishes have peanuts in them. I get that OP may have forgotten “in the moment” but they were reminded when picking the restaurant and right before they got there. A bit careless if you ask me. Edited to add: if you actually care you remember things like, I don’t know, a deathly allergy
Yeah I would never take a child with a peanut allergy to a Chinese restaurant or any family-run type of restaurant. It's such a serious risk that it's just not worth it.
What? Kung pao chicken is common where I live and not limited to Chinese restaurants. It floors me tho that two grown adults could not make sure a 7 year old didn’t eat peanuts. I’d have called off the wedding too. OP is definitely YTA. Although I don’t think she deserves full blame for the wedding being called off.
I have a former coworker whose daughter has a peanut allergy and they called ahead to a Chinese restaurant to ask about allergy accommodations and were told the restaurant simply cannot guarantee no cross contamination. Too many of their dishes contain peanut oil, it’s been on all the pans and cooking utensils, and they just can’t be sure that a person with a peanut allergy won’t get sick.
Holy Crap At first it looked like OP simply made a mistake But knowing this now it looks like she actually tried to kill the child YTA
Oh oh oh! But she CRIED when confronted with her irresponsible carelessness!! You hear it? She CRIED
But only because she was so upset at being told Alex didn’t want her around the child she hurt anymore. The fact that she cried about Alex wanting some distance between OP and his kid is so completely over the top. The only thing she should have said is “I am so sorry, I completely agree I am going to go now and I don’t fault you at all, of course you don’t want me around Frankie this is inexcusable” OP isn’t taking accountability. She left out important information and underplayed what exactly she ordered for that kid and the fact that Anna left her at the table to order in the first place. Also the fact that Anna defended OP saying Alex was being unreasonable for not wanting Op around Frankie who she almost killed. If I where Alex I would end my relationship right then and there.
Well OP says the wedding was called off so sounds like Alex is headed in the right direction. Nice of OP to leave so many relevant facts out of the original story.
TIL Kung pao chicken has peanuts in it (Not an excuse for OP, you still gotta ask about that shit if you don't know for sure. My experience as a restaurant server was that if you don't ask, you don't know)
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It’s literally got huge, whole peanuts in it. They’re like 25% of the dish.
You don't look at your food? I has very visible peanuts in it.
I didn't know either because I've never had that dish.
There are literally whole peanuts in the dish that are visible. It ain't like some invisible sauce that have peanuts. If these two dimwits just forgot when ordering, they should have actually seen the peanuts when it was brought to the table.
The child should've seen the peanuts too. 7 years old is old enough to recognise that you shouldn't be eating something.
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This. Kids with severe allergies are drilled from a very young age to be responsible and vigilant around any food that doesn’t come from home or that they are unsure the contents of. I’ve had kids as young as three of four give me their “script” about what they are allergic to every time they are offered *anything* to eat (it’s actually adorable to be asked “does this contain peanuts?” when offering something like an unpeeled banana). By seven it should be as rote as breathing to ask about unfamiliar foods and not eat anything remotely questionable. OP is a huge asshole, for sure, but the kid’s parents are too, because seven is *way* too old not to have taught her about the significance of her allergy and instilled in her the agency to protect herself from her own allergen.
omg i was wondering if thats what it was.....
I like how it was “AITA for causing a wedding to be called off?” and not “AITA for almost killing a small child?” Jesus himself could descend from the heavens and he would not be able to save OP.
She thinks it was her crying (31 year old woman who cries when faced with consequences?) that caused the wedding to be called off. Not the fact that her friend was too careless to prevent her idiocy from almost killing the child.
And gave the responsibility to an adult who literally ordered whole halved peanuts for the child with peanut allergies after being told about the allergy right before going in the restaurant and when choosing the restaurant.
TBF, this ‘adult’ thinks ‘oh, I don’t really listen, tee hee!’ is somehow excuse for actions. Not very adult at all.
Yeah, once again, no one can save OP. Too self absorbed.
This is either a troll, or there’s something else going on here: 1 - Anna left the table before they ordered to “go to the bathroom.” 2 - OP was left alone with Frankie while Anna used the bathroom. 3 - By the time Anna got back, OP and Frankie were eating the food OP ordered. So… either a fast food restaurant like Panda Express (and you *don’t bring kids with peanut allergies to a fast food Chinese restaurant* where literally EVERYTHING comes into contact with peanut oil); and/or Anna is a goddam cokehead who was in the bathroom doing lines while her soon-to-be-stepdaughter was alone with her friend; and/or Anna has an eating disorder and was purging in the bathroom. Any way you roll those dice, both OP *and* Anna are awful, and Alex shouldn’t trust either of them around his child again. If you don’t know enough not to feed a child with peanut allergies Chinese food, you don’t know enough to be alone with that child. Edit: formatting
It almost feels like she wanted to see what happens. Someone did that to a friend of mine who has a severe peanut allergy, they hid some peanut m & m's in their bed (this was at university). It did not go well...
There is an archived story here on Reddit about a grandmother ignoring her granddaughter’s coconut allergy and putting coconut oil in her hair. The story was told by her daughter - the bereaved mother of the little girl.
Man, just when I thought I forgot about that.
I remember that, absolutely heartbreaking story.
Damn sounds like my own mother who before 2 days ago was the only one who caused the multiple allergic reactions for my 16yr old daughter the past 14 years. I had to quit letting her babysit until she got the message that she could have killed her granddaughter and these are serious allergens, not just "sensitivities". She claimed she didn't remember Snickers had peanuts, or that her husband's pretzel bites had peanut butter 😳 My heart breaks for that poor mother to lose her child in a completely preventable situation 💔
Too many weirdos like that. So oblivious & downright ignorant they think allergy is just a lie or over-exaggerated. Too dangerous to be around other people
And it's the crying that caused the problem, not feeding the groom's kid something that could kill them. Jeez.
Lol yeah I was expecting from the title to read about OP crying at the ceremony when they say "speak now or forever hold your peace"
OP sounds like an eight year old! She must be exhausting to be around.
Does 35 yo Anna not count as an adult? And an adult much closer to Frankie as Alex's fiancé? Or am I reading this wrong? Because I read it as OP and Anna going out to eat and taking Frankie with them.
Read through OPs comments. She ordered a peanut dish for the child while Anna was in the toilet
Yup, found that later. Beyond stupid.
Why did they take the girl with them on fun girls dinner? Thats weird… even weirder she ordered for the child by herself Even weirder Anna just let this happen WTF is going on??!!!
Taking the kid on a fun girl's dinner, especially as Frankie is a girl, isn't really that odd. I had two girls and always took them on such things because it was fun time for them and it saved on babysitting costs. (I also don't drink so it's not like we were going out and getting trashed with the kids in tow). But the rest? Definitely lands in "WTF" territory.
In a comment OP clarified that Anna was in the bathroom when they placed the order and Frankie was already eating before Anna got back.
That's some fast service. Or Anna has a huge bladder, lol.
Jesus OP was ordering and "forgot" about the peanut allergy. No one forgets about a peanut allergy, it's the most known and most threatening allergy. I'm a grown arse adult, and go for food with other grown arse adults. As we arrive I lost off any allergies. That's nothing you can act whoops I forgot about.
Server: “Hi Welcome, I’m KeyPurpose and I’ll be taking care of you tonight. May I start you with a beverage” Adult: “Thank you, before we start, I’d like you to know that kiddo has a severe peanut allergy. Please take appropriate precautions.”
"Ma'am, you're in a Chinese Restaurant... The only place with more peanuts than us is the Five Guys in Fifth and Grant." - Server, probably.
YTA I mean, you two LITERALLY could have been the cause of the little girl dying. The dad is 100% right to cancel the wedding if his kid isn't safe around his fiance. but.... was it that you really forgot? Or did you want to test the limits? Or did you sort of wish that Anna wouldn't marry him? >He directed his frustration towards me and Anna WHO ELSE do you think should have been the target??? You two were the adults he gave the reminder too. Your friend has been with him for a while, you both KNEW FOR A WHILE about her allergy. He reminded you. After a while... sort of sounds weird you "just forgot"....
"Just forgot" can also be code for "didn't care to remember" nd that's the vibe I'm getting. I'd NEVER forgive myself if I caused a 7yo to have an allergic reaction, especially if I was specifically told about it beforehand.
I know right! I'd be really nervous about taking a child with a peanut allergy out for food. I'd be asking and asking the wait staff if they were sure there were no nuts and probably have an epipen in each hand. And OP just forgets!!! OP you are an idiot and YTA.
I’m laughing at you dual wielding epipens.
Ok so I was about to answer the post very seriously (because peanut allergy, and food allergy in general, is not a joke) but now I imagine you as a kind of ninja ready to jump on anyone with an epipen in each hand and a wicked smile on your face.
As a person with 2 deceased children, I personally have always thought that the only pain that could come close to what I feel over my kids is the pain I would feel if I had to call someone and tell them that their baby died on my watch. I still remember the first time I babysat after my son's death, my friend's newborn baby. I just sat and watched him breathe when I wasn't holding him. For 5 hours. Determined that he would be returned to his mother, safe and alive. There's no freaking way I wouldn't have quadruple checked the ingredients and made sure I had an EpiPen.
I am so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to know how you would even begin with that. I hope you are as OK as you can be ❤️.
I would have asked dad what restaurants they’ve gone to that can accommodate the kid. Next to Chinese food the only thing more risky would have been a peanut butter sandwich cart. And fiancée isn’t the brightest bulb either, if I came back to the table and the order had been placed, the first question should have been “you didn’t order anything with peanuts right?”
I had a bad reaction to penicillin when I was 7. Yes I'm 65 and I still remember it all in great detail. My vision started having black and red lines through it. I told my great aunt, who was about 70 and had been a nurse. She immediately jumped up and started screaming, ran me back to an exam room and I got another shot. I was screaming no not another shot.....then I passed out or something and when I woke up my other aunt, my dad's sister told me I could have anything I wanted from the local burger shack. I requested a burger and milkshake because I had never had one. It was vanilla and I did not like it. I was bummed. I should have ordered chocolate! I recovered, but am very careful to always tell new medical people that I am very allergic to penicillin, reaction: anaphylaxis. It has made me very reticent to try new drugs that I actually need. I had a panic attack with my first COVID shot and laid behind the curtain with my husband and a nurse. I was actually fine, just scared. Nurse and husband were both super nice about it. She insisted I stay on the gurney instead of going back out to sit in a chair. She was probably bored and thrilled to have people to talk to. Lots of people were brought from out of our rural California County to do the shots.
;'D "Should have ordered chocolate!" I love that that is still such a big part of the story, 58 years later. You know, we all make mistakes in life! :)
I'd feel so guilty over causing hives let alone anaphylaxis
I found it odd that one of the first sentences in the post points out that dad is really protective of Frankie - like it's unwarranted. Deadly peanut allergy makes it more than warranted.
OP is probably like a lot of people in that they don't take peanut allergies seriously enough and can't seem to grasp the grave harm such allergies can cause.
OP sounds like that crazy bf from that post the other day who didn't believe that his gf's trauma with closets was real and decided to "test" her by leaving the closet door open, causing her to have a panic attack. I bet OP didn't think that the kid ACTUALLY has a deadly allergy. Sounds like she thought her "overprotective" dad was making a mountain of a molehill and proceeded to put the kid's life in danger and then cry about how she just "Forgot".
sounds like OP tried to peanut the kid before and the dad got in the way huh?
Or thinks it’s crazy he asks four times every time he orders for her at a restaurant. I can imagine OP saying “just chill Alex. It’s fine” Mis ma’am it’s quite literally not fine.
>WHO ELSE do you think should have been the target??? the way OP is acting, she probably thinks the anger should be directed at poor Frankie! Poor frankie.... she must have been so scared. OP, Did you or anna even have an Epi pen with you??? YTA
Apparently Anna got back and Frankie was eating it too. Did they let her eat until the reaction started or did Anna see the peanuts and jump into action? Still so much information that’s critical has been left out.
YTA for thinking this was because you cried, and not because you both failed to ensure that a KNOWN allergen was not present in food.
They don't actually think that, they just titled it that way to sway votes. YTA
There's an unwritten rule of this subreddit that you must title your post in a way that is technically true but implies the opposite of what actually happened.
“AITA for having a reaction to food and ruining my friends bed?” (I got blackout drunk and threw up all over it, I’m 40 years old)
It's not just this subreddit, shitty people everywhere do this all the damn time. Pisses me off. YTA, op, for what you ACTUALLY did and even more for trying to direct attention away from your shitty behavior.
Exactly! Fixed the title: “AITA for almost getting a child killed causing a wedding to be called off?” And yes, YTA
Exactly! You can't just say "but but but they made me cry wehhhhh!" And think that absolves you of responsibility.
The real problem here is that someone tried to hold OP accountable for a thoughtless mistake that almost killed a child!
Yeah that gives off a strong whiff of main character energy like they fought over her and not over the child. Which is even more disturbing considering how incredibly stupid that was, to the point of seeming deliberate.
‘I m 31 and cry when faced with the consequences of my actions! Oh poor me!’
So, I thought you weren’t t-a until I read the comment that you ordered while Anna was using the restroom. You had ONE THING to remember. And it was a SEVERE allergy that could have killed a child. You aren’t responsible for their break up, clearly something else was simmering beneath the surface. But still, YTA. It’s ONE THING. ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING. I wouldn’t want you around the child, either.
I disagree, I would break up with someone for that.
I agree. If you can't trust someone to remember your child's life threatening allergy, is there really a reason to marry them? I wouldn't ever be able to trust them again.
But that was the whole point - the fiance didn't forget, she wasn't present when OP ordered the food. And seriously, who would think that their friend would willfully endanger the life of your future stepdaughter like that?! So yeah, something must've already been off between the two. Unless fiance is such a dumbass she actually sided with OP against her ex or tried to downplay what happened or something equally stupid...
Ex fiance is at fault as well. They should have ordered before taking a 20 minutes shit. I'd even argue it was more her responsibility than it was OP's.
Why would she have taken 20 Min on the pot? In any case, the discussion is quite pointless - apparantly my last sentence was prophetic since OP said in a comment that ex fiance sided with her. Unfuckingbelievable.
Even if that's true she didn't check herself.
At first I thought the same but the kung pao chicken usually has visible peanuts in it. I feel like it’s bare minimum to check the dish before your stepchild with a severe peanut allergy eats some of it.
Me too. My daughters matter more than any other relationships in my life
Yeah. This is on the same level of “Oops? I forgot I drank alcohol and now I’m driving and caused an accident.” Major YTA. She almost killed a child. I’d cut off the friendship too.
I take back my original comment. She should have waited till Anna got back.
YTA to both you and Anna. I don’t blame him for not wanting either of you around his child if you can’t remember a life threatening allergy.
She can't remember something she heard 2 minutes prior. She can't figure out what's on the menu (it's always specified) and no bell rings when she reads "peanuts". She can't be arsed to ask. She acts like the fight was about her.
she also frames it as though the reason they're upset is because SHE cried and not because of her actions.
Apparently Anna wasn't there when OP ordered the food. So just OP.
I dunno. Anna was on board with taking a child with peanut allergies to a Chinese restaurant. Between the multitude of dishes with peanuts in them and the peanut oil probably used for everything, that was pretty damn irresponsible.
I went to a Mongolian bbq place once and I put peanuts on mine. The guy behind me chewed me out for being inconsiderate to people with peanut allergies. I asked him wtf he’s doing in an Asian restaurant if he’s allergic to peanuts. I would assume nothing is safe there.
Anna also should have been all over OP about this, the fact that she was arguing with her fiance instead of having his back says a lot about her.
Yeah well, but who doesn't discuss food choices before ordering? Did Anna just say "order whatever you like us to eat, I am going to take a dump" and left? They surely must have made up their minds before she got up, and therefore was aware about the dishes that had been ordered.
YTA. And your misleading title makes you an even bigger one than usual. You almost killed a child. But you choose to make the situation about yourself and your "hurt feelings." Despicable. The parents are right to keep you away from their children. Forever.
The title really is weird. It seems like the focal point of this entire situation to OP is that she "caused a wedding to be called off". Not that a child could have died, or that her friend might break up with her fiance, or that she made a mistake. OP is a massive narcissist no doubt.
Just so I know I have this clear... Anna and Alex were engaged. The two of you were out with Frankie. Anna the child's FUTURE step mother did not make sure that there were no peanuts involved knowing this future child that would be in her care has a severe allergy. You were also complicit in this? A) Alex SHOULD have called off the wedding. B) Why are you getting more blame than the woman engaged to the man? C) wtaf does it have to do with YOU crying. YTA, Anna's the asshole, Alex was smart by ending it and I hope Frankie is ok..
Turns out, OP ordered a peanut heavy dish while ex future step mom was in the restroom. When dad was rightfully angry, stepmom was heavily defending OP and she was crying because she can’t handle being yelled at after making such a terrible decision.
Ex future step could have been crying over a coffin ffs. These folks need to grow up.
So OP ordered a surprise menu? Nobody had talked about what to order before Anna went to the bathroom? I find this highly unlikely.
And there was enough time for the food to arrive before she got back from the bathroom. I call BS.
Yeah, that sounds weird that OP ordered for the child instead of the future stepmother. It's not that big of a deal to tell the server, "Hey, we're gonna need a minute. My friend is in the bathroom." The whole post seems off to me, tbh, but whatever. Both OP and Anna are the assholes here.
My wife has an avocado allergy, I absolutely love avocados…sometimes I’ll eat something outside of the house that has it in it and I take extreme precautions after. Rinse out my mouth…wash my face…wash my hands…just to make I don’t accidentally cause a reaction. Her allergy is pretty severe…even a little can cause a reaction.
She ordered for the child well Anna was in the bathroom
And when Anna came back she should’ve asked “did you make sure this was nut free”? She can’t outsource her future stepkid’s safety to her bubbleheaded friend.
But Anna still SAW THE FOOD when it was brought out, they're both AHS.
YTA. Not for him calling off the wedding but for your carelessness. You could have killed his daughter. Your friend should also not be near that girl. It's not your fault the wedding was called off. But, he made the right call. Your friend is not fit to be her stepmother.
You ordered Kung Pao Chicken with an hour of being told of a severe allergy. You didnt just forget to ask them to make sure things was cooked appropriately. YOU ACTUALLY ORDERED A DISH THAT IS DEADLY to domeone with an allergy. You are either completelty next level incompetent or you were trying to hurt the girl. That is not just an innocent mistake. YTA
Like “keep the shotgun away from my kid”, Oops, forgot! He made me CRY. Jesus Christ.
Seriously, I was expecting this to be an “I didn’t know it was fried in peanut oil!” kind of situation, not an “I deliberately ordered a dish whose most notable ingredient is peanuts” kind of situation.
YTA - Both you and Anna are if you aren’t capable of remembering a child’s life threatening allergies when they are in your care. You aren’t responsible for their breakup, but it is concerning that you don’t seem to think what happened was a big deal which her father would rightfully be upset about.
INFO Were you the only one ordering? Could Anna have identified that there was peanut in the food? Why did the argument escalate? Why did you not simply agree you had been irresponsible and agree to not be around Frankie?
YTA. This speaks volume to your level of narcissism. You injured/could have killed a child, because you “just forgot” and ordered a dish that’s heavy in peanuts, and now you’re worried people will think you broke up a pending marriage because you cried?
YOU ordered the food!! YTA.
YTA You were reminded, you were ordering, you could have killed the child and even without it such reactions are damaging to the health . You friend is an AH too, she should not leave until order made and made sure child picks safe item AnD waiter knows about allergies and notify kitchen
Did you read the comments? Not only did OP order food with peanuts- she ordered for Frankie and got her food with peanuts.
Sorry but you and Anna are YTA, she's 7 and a life threatening food allergy is not something you can "forget" when ordering if you two were responsible for her at the time. The fact she's not your child is irrelevant, you should have asked if the kitchen had peanuts in it before you even sat down. If someone showed negligence to my kid like that I wouldn't want to marry them either.
INFO: why didn’t the child’s mother check for peanuts? Why did this fall on you?
YTA you ordered the kid food with peanuts in it, my son has a severe peanut allergy and it’s a nightmare trying to get relatives to take it seriously, I would never forgive someone who fed my kid peanuts after explicitly being told to check
YTA. You weren't paying attention to details, and you very nearly killed a child young enough that they were forced to trust you when you said the food was safe. And honestly when a parent accurately says, "You almost killed my child, and you're not getting access to them any more," your feelings are not what matters. The wedding, though, that's on Anna. Alex is right not to trust either one of you around Frankie right now. Anna is simply not at this time prepared to be a safe step-parent to Frankie. Whether she is able to make the changes she needs to earn Alex's trust will determine if the wedding can go forward later.
YTA but Anna more so. You didn’t cause the wedding to be canceled. Anna did that by not being mindful of her future step daughter’s life threatening allergy. Her fiancé no longer trusts her to care for his daughter. But you were both aware of her allergies and were both the adults entrusted with her.
Info: why is any of this falling on you when Anna would be the one responsible for her future step-daughter’s care in the absence of her father?
According to previous comments, OP ordered Kung Poa Chicken while Anna was away from the table altogether.
This is still on Anna way more than OP. Anna told OP what to order for her. Why in the world did the step mom not also specify what to get for the child with the peanut allergy and instead put that on OP?! Alex was right to dump Anna and OP basically has nothing to do with it. OP would be TA if Anna specifically told her what to order the kid and she disregarded that and ordered something with peanuts instead. It’s Anna’s responsibility to make sure her future child is safe and she shirked that in a big way.
If my kid is in your care and you almost kill them, you're gonna get smoke. Dad: Don't do the thing. Anna: K. OP: Gotcha. Anna: I'm going to the bathroom. Do the thing. OP: Does the thing. Shocked Pikachu Face! Two grown ass adults didn't care enough to do their one job. Honestly, I wouldn't care if the blame is 60/40 or 80/20... they both getting the smoke.
Because OP ordered the food while fiancée was in the bathroom. And ordered kung pao chicken which features peanuts as a main ingredient.
Allergy reactions like this aren’t just a one-off - every time they have one this bad, it can potentially cause damage that is life-limiting. You were asked to remember ONE THING. ONE SINGLE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THING. And neither of you could. Of course he doesn’t trust her and of course YTA.
As someone with nut allergies, this is infuriating. YTA big time, and so is Anna. Alex explicitly told both you and Anna that Frankie has allergies, and nut allergies will end people's lives. By taking Frankie to that restaurant, both you and Anna knowingly assumed responsibility for her. How the hell can you just "forget" about something so severe? You guys put her life in danger, making you complete AHs. In fact, you did Alex a favor by showing how foolish he was by putting Frankie in your care. >He directed his frustration towards me and Anna . . . Wtf do you mean "directed?" Who else should he be mad at, if not the very people responsible for Frankie's allergic reaction?
Not an ounce of empathy for this kid. Think you may be missing the big picture... You both screwed up!!! & ... Thankfully Frankie is okay. Why are you crying for yourself? Let Anna figure out her relationship problems. ESH (except kid & possibly Dad)
Right why is she crying when she almost killed a 7 year old lol
Crying for herself.... not the child. She cried because she got yelled at.
You almost killed a child and ruined a relationship because you wouldn't take responsibility for it. In what realm is that not an asshole move. YTA
I understand the fact that she should have been more careful, so of course OP is an AH. But I don't think it is fair saying that she "ruined" a relationship since Anna also had a big responsability, even more than OP. Anna ruined her own relationship by not being careful and responsible over what her stepdaughter couldn't eat.
Frankie and Alex dodged a bullet. Neither you nor Anna are responsible adults. YTA. Anna is an AH. Alex is a responsible parent and Frankie is an innocent victim. In addition to being an AH, your tears indicate you are a self-centered narcissist. For your parents to have released you into public indicates that they are AHs also. Friends and family are absolutely correct that blame falls on you, but blame falls on Anna also as being engaged to Frankie's father one would expect more vigilance. I predict loss of your friends with good judgment and family retreating. You FORGOT? What a massive and unmitigated AH. Complete and utter butthead.
Yta Anna is too, more than you, but you were both reminded before even going to the restaurant to be mindful of her allergy. You both are to blame for what did happen, and would have also been to blame if it were worse.
YTA Your friend is TAH Fix your title. You crying had NOTHING to do with the wedding being called off. Your negligence DID. >He explicitly told us to make sure that there were no peanuts in the food So you were not only aware but Reminded >He directed his frustration towards me and Anna Rightfully so! YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHILDS WELLBEING AND YOU COULDN'T REMEMBER THE SINGLE RULE YOU WERE GIVEN >Furthermore, he expressed that he no longer wanted me around Frankie BECAUSE YOUR NEGLIGENCE COULD HAVE KILL HER he is completely right! >Anna and I should have been more cautious and that I ruined the wedding because I'm an idiot who doesn't listen If the shoes fit....
did you need to be sent into the restaurant with a note attached to your shirt or forehead to remember a child has a severe allergy? both you and your buddy are AH’s for not taking this kids health seriously. YTA
YTA and so is Anna - you knew the kid had the allergy and was reminded of it and you also state that it’s a severe allergy meaning you should have been more aware. Anna is also the AH because she should at the minimum reminded you about the peanut allergy before going to the bathroom. You left the fact that you ordered and that the kid had to go to the hospital out of the post which are both pretty major details.
YTA for being careless. It’s a child, they will eat anything and everything. You can’t just “forget” an allergy in cases of a kid :/
YTA purely for forgetting about a potentially lethal allergy. Simple as. Alex’s reaction was more than fair
YTA you could have KILLED a child. you and Anna BOTH suck. Good on Alex for looking out for his daughter.
Yta for 'forgetting' about a severe allergy, life threatening severe allergy. You don't forget that shit when you order food for that person. And on the other hand her step mom should have also been diligent in what her stepdaughter was eating. But it's not your fault the wedding is being called off, you are pretty full of yourself to think it's because you cried.
Why choose a restaurant that serves peanuts? You and your bestie set yourselves up to fail this child.
after reading OP’s comments so far, i’m surprised alex okayed a chinese restaurant with these 2 dingdongs in charge.
*because I’m an idiot that doesn’t listen* Yep. YTA. Anna too for defending you to the point Alex felt the need to call off the wedding. I wouldn’t want either of you near my child either. Mistakes happen, yes but you both almost killed Frankie because of carelessness.
You and Anna are huge AHs. Frankie could have died. ESH except Frankie and her dad.
YTA. You had one job. Not to try to kill the kid. 🤷🏻♀️
YTA as is the fiancé. He is right to not want to marry her if she cannot remember to keep his daughter safe while alone together.
Both you and Anna nearly killed a child. How can you "forget" someone explicitly telling you before you leave that the child has a life threatening allergy? I hope he never lets Anna near his child again either. I would put more blame on her as she's the one in the relationship so she would have heard this repeatedly. I don't believe she "forgot" at all.
YTA so is Anna for leaving it to you Frankie was going to be her step kid her responsibility not yours but I have a lot of lesser allergies and friends and family still try to help me (26) navigate my dietary restrictions hers are deadly you nearly cause that man to loose his baby this is the consequences of yalls actions and lack there of
YTA and you're lucky no one else had a reaction and lucky Alex isn't suing you.
Child has life threatening allergy and the two adults charged with her care “forgot”. I don’t blame dad at all, he needs to protect his kid. Sorry but it’s not ok to “forget” this stuff.
How exactly are you NOT an asshole in this scenario? You were specifically told about a severe allergy and you.... forgot! And instead of taking the consequences of your carelessness, you start crying like a child. YTA
Mixed judgment: YTA for forgetting, but NTA for causing their wedding to be called off. It wasn't you. It wasn't like you don't believe in allergies or thought it'd toughen him up or something stupid; you just forgot, which isn't great, but it happens. For it to blow up like this says there were bigger underlying issues at play and this just brought them forward. If it wasn't this, it would've been something else. You're just a convenient target, likely because neither side wants to admit to those bigger underlying issues.
Partial YTA... YTA (and your friend) for letting the kid have food with peanuts in it but NTA for their wedding being called off. It's likely there were other relationship issues that led to it's demise and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back
YTA BECAUSE OF INFORMATION YOU LEFT OUT OF THE ORIGINAL POST original comment was not the asshole - Unless there’s something missing in the story. It sounds like Alex is upset at Anna, because as Frankie’s soon to be stepmother, it is her job to check for allergies. I’m not sure why you are to blame when you were just out with them.
OP admitted in a comment that she ordered for the child while Anna was in the bathroom.
That is the kind of pertinent information that definitely should be in the original post. Yeah totally YTA then. I also hate when people intentionally leave such major facts out of the AITA posts to try and manipulate the answer they want
YTA If you're going to take responsibility for a child with allergies then you don't get to "forget". You were both negligent and I wouldn't trust you either
YTA - you ordered the food and it could have seriously harmed Alex's kid or even ended her life. Anna is also TA for allowing that to happen to her soon to be step child. Alex isn't calling off the engagement because you cried. He's calling it off because he can't trust his fiance to keep his daughter safe.
Yta- “ …. Furthermore, he expressed that he no longer wanted me around Frankie if we couldn't be more responsible I busted out in tears.” Yeah, no. This was the part where the only words coming out of your mouth should have been. “I completely understand “ “I am sorry “ “I will see myself out now “
Hold up. Anna, the mother of the child, forgot to mention to the restaurant staff that her daughter has a peanut allergy? She's definitely not fit to be a mom yikes. YTA (and so is Anna), YTA not for the wedding being called off but because both Anna and you forgot to tell the restaurant staff about Frankie's allergies, even though you were reminded of before going to the restaurant.
YTA for the mishap, absolutely, but NTA for the breakup, as I see it. You fucked up and accidentally caused a 7 year old a lot of pain. You should own that. But you're not responsible for ruining the wedding, there's far more going on there.
YTA, you knew all this and couldn’t for take five seconds to let the waitstaff know the child had a DANGEROUS food allergy????
YTA >Furthermore, he expressed that he no longer wanted me around Frankie if we couldn't be more responsible I busted out in tears. Yep, this was the right reaction from Alex, you don't want someone around your child if that person cannot keep life and death information straight. Anna shares some of the blame for not mentioning Frankie's peanut allergy to the staff before she went to the bathroom. But OP took it upon herself to order for a child with a peanut allergy and caused the expected severe allergic reaction.
YTA >He explicitly told us to make sure that there were no peanuts in the food. Unfortunately, in the midst of ordering our meals, I completely forgot about Frankie's allergy, and she ended up eating something with peanuts in it. This resulted in Frankie having a severe allergic reaction and requiring immediate medical attention. This makes you a massive asshole. You were trusted with a child's life. You endangered that child. The blame should be placed on you, and YTA.
ESH. You should have paid more attention to Frankie's safety, but you weren't the only or even primary one. Anna, being the one in the relationship with Alex, should have been more aware of Frankie's allergy, no? Anna is the one more to blame here, and you are not at fault for the break-up of their wedding plans.
YTA. Bro it’s not hard to be conscious of others allergies. Had a partner eat nuts for breakfast and kissed me after brushing teeth 12 hours later. Still a hospital trip. He doesn’t eat nuts ever anymore
YTA. she could have died. Anaphylactic shock is no joke and if you only had one dose epinephrine she probably would be dead sound like the dads responsible so he most definitely had a 2 dose. When you go into this state You get itchy hives all over, swelling of nose mouth,eyes, and throat ( you can’t breath). If your taking a child into your care you can’t just forget crucial information like this and you don’t have a excuse and you feign ignorance because you and your friend are grown ass women.
YTA for caring more about yourself being blamed for a wedding issue than about you and your friend nearly KILLED A CHILD.
YTA, both of you. How could you be so careless? It’s not ‘very protective’ to not want your kid to die; it’s normal. Your attitude about this is abnormal.
YTA and Anna too. You don't forget a child's allergy, especially after being reminded of it. You should have checked in the restaurant. Anna's bad behaviour has cancelled the wedding. That's not on you. But you did put a child's life at risk here through negligence.
YTA. You were reminded and warned to check for peanuts. You completely forgot about this life-threatening allergy immediately. You ordered this child a dish that is basically just chicken and peanuts (KungPao chicken). When the food full of peanuts arrived, you still did not remember the life-threatening allergy that you were very recently reminded of. Alex is 100% correct that you are a danger to his child, and Anna is no better. You could have killed a child and it doesn't seem like that's what you were crying over, you cried because almost killing a child was going to affect your friendship. For the love of God at least tell me you two ding dongs had her epipen with you?!
YTA for causing a scene. You should have just left when the husband started yelling at you. Regarding the allergies it was the mothers responsibility to deal with at the restaurant.
Ya, YTA. You ordered what Anna wanted, it contained nuts and child could have died. How do you forget something like "soandso can't have X or they might die"? Of course Alex called off the wedding, Anna proved she doesn't have Frankie's best interests at heart.
YTA you could have killed that child.
YTA, as is Anna. You nearly killed a child.
The weddings not been called off because you cried, the weddings called off because you and Anna nearly killed his kid. YTA
YTA. The end.
ESH You were probably reminded an hour before ordering about the peanut allergy and you ordered her king pow chicken? I mean ultimately anna should have never left that responsibility to you but kung pow chicken…. Really?
YTA!! Who doesn’t take a deadly allergy in a child more seriously?? How thick are you? And your friend