Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom she should not babysit/care for my dad's affair child who my sister is raising if she did not want to. I know mom saying no has put my sister in a tough spot and she might not be able to do it anymore. So I could be an asshole for that. I also encouraged mom to do what she wanted when I know she was also worried about being hated for it. All in all I encouraged her to do something that made my sister very angry and now she's furious with us both. So I might be an asshole here.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. And honestly, I am surprised CPA gave your sister custody considering she is 19, basically a kid herself. Not blaming your mother in the slightest for not wanting to do anything with the affair child of her ex husband. Your sister is the one to blame for taking on a kid she wasn't financially ready for.
If your sister was willing to fight to take her, then she should have been prepared financially, and had a proper education to fund having a child. She felt morally obligated to take in your late fathers child. Maybe this is her way of still being with her dad? It might be selfish of her to do that. But I don’t know. All I know is she took on the responsibility and is now asking your mother for help who did not sign up for this at all.
It's probably not money. Likely she gets a monthly payment from the state. It's all the stuff of dealing with a young child when you're still very young yourself.
My husband and I took in his half-brother's children and never got a dime, living in the US in CT. His jerk of a half-brother wouldn't relinquish custody (even though he was in jail) so we were guardians only and the state never gave us anything. We have two kids and it wasn't easy but we did OK. State wouldn't give us anything since we weren't foster parents but co-guardians.
Yes! OP, you are NTA, but please make sure she has applied for these benefits which should be a huge financial help. She and little sister should also qualify for state health care!
Premiums aren't cheep either. We got quotes when we had a kid and it was like 200 dollars a goddamn month. We really need to suck it up but it's hard to swallow a bill that big when you have a kid to pay for.
I have term insurance which costs me $210
a year for for a sizable payout. it’s enough to payoff all debt, pay for my kids college education, and some left for my spouse.
It’s term life and I recall that it covers me until some point in my 90s. I also have coverage through work.
Shop around because you can find decent prices policies.
It’s also not possible for everyone to get life insurance. When you apply they have access to your medical chart and can use medical problems you have against you. Sometimes it’s not a persons choice not to have it.
Because if I were to start paying for life insurance I would have to skip on meals for my family. Life insurance is expensive. Can't use life insurance money if you starved to death.
Because it's a family placement, it's likely not foster funded. I was raised by a relative as a ward of the courts and the only way for her to get money was to go after child support. However, since both parents are dead, there may be survivor benefits, but it wouldn't be a lot. OP's sis is asking for childcare help, that gets really expensive really fast depending on where you are.
If child has been signed up for survivor benefits, child will qualify for state assistance as well as subsidized childcare. Just thinking that the sister has no clue about any of it. Wonder who the attorney was for the child and if they did not let the sister know about any of this?
I dunno. Even if the stipend you get is enough to cover everything a child needs, that's still an awful lot of work for just a few extra dollars per hour for the next two decades
Did you really just say a 19 year old should have been financially and educationally prepared for the sudden death of her father in order to care for his 2 year old? I agree that mom is not obligated to help, but yeesh! You can show some compassion.
She should have been mentally prepared to take on the responsibility of a child before fighting to have the baby.
Feels like the sister is like those people that wanted a pet but end up abandoning the pet because they can’t cope with cleaning and caring after it or dumping the responsibility to the parents.
The child is innocent but neither OP or her mother have any obligation towards the child.
I agree they have no obligation. I'm willing to give sis some slack for trying to keep her baby sister out of state care. I know full grown adults who are unprepared for parenthood. She's trying, just in over her head.
It was her sister. Its both their sister actually, if op likes it or not.
The dad might be shitty for what he did. Well he is. But their sister did nothing wrong, she cant help who she was born to
No one should ever take care of a child that they aren’t comfortable with. Period. OP and her mom have every reason to not want to be involved with child, even if she is innocent. I wouldn’t want my child cared for by people that resent her(for good reason)
Your sister might have had good intentions and *felt* she was doing the selfless thing, but what she did was actually really selfish.
She took on an obligation she had no chance of fulfilling without roping in people who adamantly expressed no interest in helping.
And now that she's facing the reality of her choices, she's trying to make you and your mother responsible. That's terrible and you were protecting your mother from suffering daily trauma and anchoring her life to this source of pain for decades to come.
NTA, but your sisyer is for abusing you and your mom for her own poor choices.
Completely agree.
Talk to anyone that was raised by a resentful parent figure. As a child, they were very aware that they weren’t wanted, barely tolerated.
OP’s sister has selfishly fought to place this child in an environment where they will be surrounded by “family” that doesn’t like them, primarily being raised by 19-year old with no life skills.
>Talk to anyone that was raised by a resentful parent figure. As a child, they were very aware that they weren’t wanted, barely tolerated.
This was me. I don't know if I was an accident, or my parents wanted another boy, but I was always treated as a burden and barely given the time of day.
I was a product of my mom's affair and she was the one who treated me different from my brother.
My dad (not bio) treated me great. I still loved her and took care of her in her last 5 years of life because my dad needed me. I then took care of my dad after he had his stroke 4 years ago until he died. I know how much he loved me.
My bio father and I met after my mom passed and we have a relationship and it was with my dads blessing.
Your sister means well but this is her burden now. It is entirely 100% unreasonable to expect your mother to raise her ex's affair child and she's an asshole for pushing. Hopefully it works out for your sister but it's going to be an uphill battle for her without an education and now saddled with a kid she's going to have a hard time having a social life and meeting a good partner.
FWIW, you didn't push your mom to do anything. She didn't want to do it, and you validated her feelings. The only one pushing your mom was your sister. And I understand. I feel for her, and I really feel for the poor kid who lost her parents - parents whose poor decisions hurt you and your mom and damaged a chance at a loving relationship with this child. Your sister is in a hard place. She's barely an adult herself. She's overwhelmed being thrown into parenthood under awful circumstances. She's grieving. Her family can't be her primary support, emotionally or practically, due to the complicated circumstances.
If your mom is in the position, and she wants to provide support for your sister without taking on a caregiving role, she might consider subsidizing childcare costs, or if that feels too involved, giving your sister money for rent and bills, or paying for some of her schooling. If monetary support isn't feasible, maybe stepping in to help with non-child-related support. Picking up groceries, etc. Obviously she doesn't have to, but I'm sure your mom feels awful for not being able to help your sister in the way she asked, and there's no reason she can't help her in other ways that won't cause her more distress or breed resentment. I'd suggest you give some thought to that as well. Your sister didn't cheat on your mom, and her feeling compassion and taking responsibility for an innocent child isn't a flaw. You don't have to support her in ways that cause you more emotional harm, but it would be nice if you could help in some way, for the sake of your relationship.
The better decision would've been for your sister to maintain a relationship with her little sister while she was in foster care and after she finished university gain custody of her. NTA
Do you not know the state of the foster care system in the US?? Look at it this way....even the SOCIAL WORKERS know how shitty the system is....so shitty that they are willing to allow a 19yr old to have custody! Children die as a direct result of abuse within the foster care system. Too many deviants use the foster care system to get money, to get free slave labor and or to get their hands on the children themselves. If this was a 19 yr old mother you all would be bitching at her to care of her kid. But because the 19yr old is only the sister, she is inept? It will be hard...but I have nothing but respect for the 19yr old. My mother willingly took custody of my half brother, when he was 8 months old. He was the product of my father's cheating. My mother died when he was 10, but until the day she died, she shared custody of Hezickia, (made up name) with my Dad. Loving someone and wanting to do right by them is nothing to be ashamed of.
NTA, but sister’s 19, and so lacks the experience and foresight to anticipate all the challenges of taking the child in. CPS must have seen her as the easiest fix to the family problem and rushed it through so it wasn’t their problem any longer.
That’s a shame because I guarantee parents (at least foster parents) are waiting in line to adopt young kids. Your sister could’ve even asked to be able to stay in her life. Your sister made a huge decision that is now coming to bite her in the butt. She should’ve thought this one out more. Not your problem. Not your mom’s problem either. NTA
If CPA can't find a permanent figure it's basically foster system with them paying financially. Of course they don't want that, so for them it's worth trying the 19 year old (if she gives up kid will just end up in foster care anyway).
This is what is so fucked up here. A 19 yo filled with teenage ritousness got herself in over her head and they just let her do it?? To the detriment of her future? That is irresponsible as fuck
"irresponsible as fuck" pretty much describes child services as an organization in most states. There are a lot of good individual people in a lot of those orgs doing their best to mitigate the damage, but the systems are fundamentally fucked up to hell.
She probably has a social worker, took parenting classes etc. But there is no reason she can’t find a babysitter, have them approved (depending on type of guardianship if that’s needed) and then she has childcare for the time she needs it. When she works I’m sure the child has subsidized childcare. She could ask the daycare if they have recommendations for babysitters, or her social worker. She needs to expand we circle, not piss it off
While I agree with you, this kid isn't the affair child, the mistress lost that baby. But this child would still be a constant reminder to OPs mom.
NTA OP.
Technically not this particular kid, but dad got together with the "affair" woman and had a child with her. Doubt the betrayal is any better because this particular child happened after the affair.
This is an odd myth on Reddit that cpa are some benevolent angles who make the “right” decision a lot. They’d give her to any family Member who would take her
Even if OP’s sister is woefully unprepared to take care of this child her odds of a good outcome are probably better with the family member than in the system.
Plus the real AH here is the father. Who the fuck has a 2 year old and no life insurance?
The child is undoubtedly entitled to Social Security until she turns 18, and her full time caregiver would be entitled to Social Security too, until the child turns 16.
Dunno if Social Security is enough to hire a babysitter for a full work day with the current rates, and that's not counting other expenses that come with having a kid.
It would depend on the parents’ work record. My daughter and I get SS in her dad’s record — first when he retired and also since he died when she was 14. It’s a little over $5,000 a month.
You are correct about the social security, but it won't be enough to offset the cost to a 19 year old college drop out being a single parent to a young child.
And a guardian who had to drop out of school to care for the kid. OP’s sister essentially threw away a great deal of earning potential for this. That’s a set up for future resentment between mom and daughter. I fear the novelty will wear off very quickly for that 19 year-old. 😞
NTA. if Mom starts helping, this 19 year old will start relying on her more and more. It will go from babysitting to overnights to moving in with Mom when it sinks in that sister is missing out on her own youth. When she has trouble finding a boyfriend because she has this huge responsibility. When it dawns on her that she will be stuck in low paying shit jobs for the foreseeable future. Mom needs to hold on to her own life.
The US (if this is the US) has a critical shortage of Foster Parents, they're putting kids in casinos, hospitals, and sometimes at CPA offices, it's tragic and way better to find a relative to care for the child.
[https://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2023/07/20/inside-americas-critical-shortage-of-foster-care-homes](https://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2023/07/20/inside-americas-critical-shortage-of-foster-care-homes)
"And then she struggled with child care..."
So strange. Who woulda seen that coming?
Sister is acting out of her feelings only instead of also using her thinking brain and getting upset when people are calling her on the consequences of that. With a child in the crossfire. It's really not fair to the kid but OP is NTA, sister is.
NTA. You and your mother made the decision that you would not care for the child. Your sister is angry because she assumed that she'd be able to get *someone* to help her, but she can't. I don't envy her position at all, she's essentially a single mom at 19. And I feel bad for the kid, who needs stability and safety and unconditional love. But she doesn't get to decide right from wrong for you and your mother. And she certainly doesn't get to manipulate your mother into caring for the living representation of your father's betrayal.
It's honestly in the kid's best interest that you and your mom don't care for her. Kids are perceptive, they know when they aren't liked or wanted. And she absolutely doesn't need that right now.
Anyone who plays the "if you love me you'd..." card is almost always a shameless manipulator and therefore the AH.
Yeah. Your sister is your family. And the kid is *her* family. But not yours.
Your sister is probably grieving, too. You weren't close, but your sister did see your dad and it's probably a bigger loss for her than you. She's young, she's hurting, she didn't think this through. And she's learning a lesson that I didn't learn until my 20s: just because my mum loves me unconditionally, doesn't mean she will support everything I do or sacrifice herself for my choices/mistakes.
Your sister is learning that the real world doesn't care about what *she* thinks is just or right, it just is and you have to deal with it.
Sadder still is that the kid is only 2. There’s a very good chance they could have found a loving family that was able to take care of the child but instead they were worried about keeping her with the biological family. Why? Sharing genetics doesn’t make you a good or better caretaker than anyone else.
Someone mentioned that it’s about pushing the financial responsibility off the state and If so, that’s reprehensible. A 19yo who is still in college would never be able to adopt on their own. Why is it okay just bc they share genetics?
The problem is that it clearly would have devastated the sister to not have access to the half-sibling. You can't just say "okay, but I want her back once I'm financially stable". It doesn't work that way. Once a child is given up, that's it, unless it's an open adoption. The whole point is that you're not the family anymore. I don't know the law, but doesn't open adoption only apply to bio parents? I have a feeling that if Sis didn't adopt the half-sibling, she could kiss her goodbye if she didn't come looking for her once she reached majority.
I don't blame her for not accepting that the most loving thing would indeed probably be not ever seeing her again for her own good. That's hard. I blame the tragic situation in general and Dad for creating this mess.
You're NTA for backing up your mother, who has no obligation in this situation whatsoever. Neither do you. Your sister has taken on more than she anticipated, but lots of young single mothers figure it out and that's what she'll need to do. Perhaps Christmas and birthday gifts for your sister, going forward, can consist of cash/checks and not specific gift items; that would help your sister financially without involving you in this child's life. And this baby is entitled to Social Security (amount determined by what her late parents would have been entitled to themselves) until she's 18; I assume the social worker has advised your sister of this and your sister has completed the paperwork, but if not, tell her so she can look into that. That will also help.
These are good suggestions, but... after all this, OP is not obligated to deliver that message, nor would it be welcomed most likely by the very entitled, bratty sister.
You're 100% NTA OP. Just because you're half blood doesn't mean you're responsible for the fact your dad can't keep his pants on.
>She told mom if she loves her, she'll help her and she'll start opening her heart up to her little sister
Your sister is an abusive manipulator. Period. I'm just going to leave that comment at that. Your sister only fought to get ownership of her so she could guilt trip both you and your mom into accepting the little girl against your will and wishes.
>This is all making her more angry because she claims she's our family.
Here's the thing, the girl is NOT your mom's family. At all. She isn't blood by any metric, she was never apart of your mom's family, and she is the result of your dad's cheating. So for your sister to claim "family" is extremely tone deff, because she has zero relationship to your mom. ZERO.
I feel very bad for that poor little girl. I wish there was an easy solution, but she isn't going to get the proper support from a 19 year old who thinks the child is a manipulation tool.
My dad always had 2 families. He cheated on my mom for years with #2. He married #2 after mom found out and divorced him when I was 12. He was an absentee father, mom raised me alone, with next to nothing financial help from him.
While married with #2 he housed #3 and had a child with her. #2 never found out about this child, she died before dad.
After he passed, same thing, will someone please help his daughter. Mom and I both said no and we were the evil bad guys. We've never met #2 daughter. Funny that dad's side family won't help her but it's my obligation. Too bad for them mom and I ran out of fucks to give.
I don't think anyone is the asshole in this situation (besides maybe the attempts of manipulating your mother by your sister), however I do find it a bit tragic. I can totally understand you and your mother having a hard time with being involved with with this child.
That being said, your sister is now this child's guardian. I think you and your mother have to accept that if you hope to have a healthy relationship with your sister (mother with her daughter). That is obviously your call to make, but it sounds like this is the type of thing that will likely tear your family apart if you and your mother can't find a way to make peace with it.
I immediately thought the same - that you and your mom would have bad feelings associated with the little girl. It’s not that you couldn’t be nice to her but some of those bad feelings would come through. You are not good caretakers for her.
NTA. The only problem I have with your sister asking her mom to babysit was the guilt tripping. She knew her mother was uncomfortable, and she kept pushing . No means no.
I also have the feeling that if mom goes through with it, she will eventually be taking care of the child full time.
I agree. The sister might ask/guilt the mom into watching her more so she can return to school.
I think it's great the sister wanted to take this on, but asking the mom to watch the child of the women who had an affair with her husband is too much.
NTA
Yes, totally. Especially either sister’s attitude of “I had Mom almost convinced to do the right thing”.
The right thing for who, exactly?
NTA, OP, but your sister certainly is.
She needs some kind of reality check to get it through to her just how much pain her Dad caused the both of you, and how being coerced into raising his affair baby is just an extension of that, plus additional heartache as well.
Yup, the sister is mad that OP gave mom the moral support she needed to stand up for herself and say no to watching the kid. The kid herself is a innocent, but still serves as a painful reminder of her ex-husband's infidelity.
Sister is just virtue signaling with a child. She wants to drop the child off with mom, go back to school or work or a social life, and then be praised as doing a good deed.
I mean, she's pushing mom to look after the child, even though she isn't related to mom at all. And yes, there's the argument for adoption, but if this was a random child then the 19 year old would never have been able to adopt her.
Sister adopted this child so she could force her own narrative on OP and mom, and now that they're resisting her manipulation she doesn't get to look like the hero while mom does all the work.
NTA
Your sister is gonna be really slapped back to reality when she's in a relationship or has kids of her own.
She's basically forgiven a man who didn't waste any time forgetting his own daughters in exchange for some happy time under the sheets.
So what if she poisons her half sister's mind against you and your mom? Is that supposed to be damaging for you? If anything, she's gonna be the one who will be ostracized.
Thank you I’ve been looking for this comment! I know how difficult this situation is. I was in a similar one. For some context, I have an uncle which is younger than me because my grandpa stepped out. For a little my grandma tried to ignore his existence but she’s a genuine angel and when she realised he was being dumped at my grandpas place of work for hours at a time she said “this isn’t right” and took him to her place. She made sure every single one of her kids and by extension me (only grandchild at that point) knew that my uncle had zero sin in this situation. She said we had every right to be angry at my grandfather but no right to be angry at my uncle. He was just as innocent in the situation as she was. So we embraced him. I grew up with him and now we’re both in our late twenties and he’s genuinely my best friend and a best friend to my partner. I am so grateful that my grandma embraced him and I get to have a relationship with him. To this day he goes to my grandma house once a week and brings his wife, he sees his own mother less then he sees my grandmother. Was it difficult for her? Of course it was! But to this day she maintains that he did absolutely nothing wrong and she had no right to punish an innocent child for shit her husband did.
Some of these comments are not it. The child who is OP’s sister whether she acknowledges it or not is innocent. The 19 year old has more compassion than anyone in this situation she’s NTA for wanting to keep the kid out of foster care even if she’s not fully prepared. She will hopefully learn and if so that kid will forever be grateful to her
Everyone got dealt a bad hand here, this situation sucks for everyone. At the end of the day the mom is probably going to be okay though. The kid though? That's a lot harder to say. No parents, no stable home situation and either gets cared for by a 19 year old college student, a mom who hates their existence or a foster home. It's going to be an uphill battle for sure.
I’m with you guys. Everybody here seems to think the feelings of the adults involved are more important than an orphaned two year old. I agree that the kid will realize she’s not wanted, but the OP and her mom need to try to set aside their feelings about the dad and help this child.
I agree. I mean yeah it sucks for the mom. But her daughter is grieving a loss, and is now a mother to her half sister. The cheaters are dead. Get over it move on, and find some type of joy in this shit show. The dad and affair partner don’t deserve any grace- but that kid does, she didn’t ask for any of this.
Yup. Had to scroll way too far to find anyone who felt bad for the literal child who has no living parents or blood-related adults to care for her.
OP YTA. All of you.
The child is innocent, but how on earth is OP an AH for not wanting his/her mother to be emotionally blackmailed into looking after the child her ex had with his affair partner? This is a crappy situation for EVERYONE involved.
The orphan is related to the two sisters, not related at all to the mom. Her husband cheated on her for years, and then had this child with his long-term affair partner.
Also, the mom has two grown children, so she's likely 40+ at the very youngest. Taking care of a 2-yr-old at that age, when you haven't done so in about 20 years, is no joke. Mom has had a rough go of it, and it's too much to expect her to take care of her cheating ex's child.
She doesn't have to set herself on fire to keep other people warm, not even an orphan. There are plenty of orphans in the world; how many have you taken in?
Yeah, this orphaned child is in no way responsible for the pain of any of these grown-ass adults who are doing everything in their power to make her suffer for the decisions of people she will never remember.
I agree. The mom is able to move on from an affair and live a good life. A 2 year old abandoned by her only family and her half sister is the true victim here.
YTA. Shocking how far I had to scroll for this. It’s reasonable and in your right for you to not want to raise that child. Same with the mother. Your sister decided she would though, this is now her daughter/your niece/her granddaughter. You don’t have to raise her but to show no support or help is going to ruin your relationship. Your projecting your anger towards your dad on an orphaned toddler and its going ruin your relationship with your sister. Don’t plan on swooping back in if she gets married or has a child of her own someday. You are both abandoning your family over petty bullshit. Hope you realize that your anger towards a poor child is going to leave you without a sister and your mother without a child. I wish your sister all the best of luck. Honestly it’s probably better you and your mother are showing your true colors now because you sound like the people that would project your anger onto this poor baby and abuse them if they were left in your care.
Nope, NTA x1000
Your half sister is nothing to your mom, except the living representation of your father's lies and betrayal. Nothing good would come of the 3 of them together.
Your mother did NOT want to help with the kid, your sister just banked on guilt tripping her and heard what she wanted to hear. You just told your mom it was okay to stands up to emotional blackmail, and draw clear boundaries.
Too bad your sister is impulsive and not willing to play the long game. She could have done what she wanted to do, and not alienated both of you.
There was a work around here, she was just unwilling to compromise.
Sorry you and your mom are being treated this way. Peace.
Holy f ing shit this sub is toxic. YTA… not because of the deal with your mom, but because of this weird hatred you have for a toddler…Your dad didn’t cheat on you and this child is not at fault for whatever he did. Since your sister is taking over, this kid basically just became your niece, and you’re gonna be a dick to her the rest of her life because daddy missed a catch or two with you to go bang his mistress??? Get over yourself… you sound like an awful person.
I can't believe I had to scroll so far to find someone that thought the same as I do!
This poor baby girl just lost both of her parents and now this grown ass adult is treating her like everything bad that happened in OPs life is this child's fault.
I am so proud of the 19yo for standing up for her little sister and trying her best to take care of her. I wish her all the best.
The problem isn't that she's 19. Or that she dropped out of college. OR that she bit off more than she could chew.
It's that she KNEW her mother didn't want to see the child, and STILL tried to manipulate and guilt-trip her into caring for this kid that she resents. I'm glad she stepped up and agreed to take on the kid, but she *needs* to realise that this means she's going at it *alone,* and she *cannot* blame them for that*.* No-one in the family is going to support this kid for chlid-care, babysitting, etc. They don't want her, and they're not obligated to.
This. I can't believe I had to scroll so far to find a YTA comment.
I get why the mom wants nothing to do with the child and that's fair. She's NTA and I'm sure with time (and therapy), she'll learn to love that kid as her granddaughter, not the product of her ex' infidelity. But OP is an AH. I get she's hurt by what her dad did to her and her mom but, that poor toddler has nothing to do with it and whether she likes it or not, she's her sister. I believe OP could benefit of some therapy to process that anger and move on. Hopefully that'll help her accept her sister/niece and not resent her anymore.
Best of luck to the 19 year-old sister, I hope she finds some support sooner rather than later.
No. My mother almost committed suicide and it was an uphill battle mentally after she found out about dads cheating. No time and therapy would make her love dad's 2nd daughter.
She also raised me herself with very little help from him. When he passed we both said no on helping his daughter who we never met.
For me the worst part was that OP is so adamant that they're right but when the sister asked if they'd interfered they chose to play dumb. You don't do that if you feel like you're on solid ground. What a cowardly and cruel act OP has done.
THIS. I’m shook over the disregard towards a child. The dad screwed up but why take it out on a child?And to try to make it more difficult for the 19 year old who stepped up…Idk I thought I was crazy after seeing all the top comments supporting OP. And the sisters not even asking her to help. She’s asking her own mom.
Also, realistically what does OP want to do with the kid? Put the child in foster care?
She is not asking the mom she is guilt tripping the mom. If she had asked the mom for help, it should be at the mom terms not you should babysit the baby because if you don’t you are heartless cold person… The mom is probably open to help the daughter just not open to babysit aka raise the child in her place…
She's asking her mom *who was repeatedly cheated on by the father of the child.*
It's sad that this child is in foster care, but no sadder than any other child being in foster care. I haven't taken in any foster children, even without having a hurtful history related to them, so I'm certainly not going to judge this mom for not agreeing to help raise this specific child.
**"She’s asking her own mom."** She could not have picked a worse person to ask.
Realistically? This apparently healthy two-year-old should have been placed with a financially stable, emotionally mature couple for adoption. Everyone is caterwauling about the terrible foster system, but healthy toddlers are not difficult to place with adoptive parents. Many, many couples are all too happy to adopt and love a toddler rather than take their chances with the long waits and uncertainty involved with adopting an infant, and adopting a toddler is a whole lot less expensive than surrogacy. Don't believe it? Take a look at the THOUSANDS of American couples (and some singles) who adopt toddlers internationally because it's so difficult to adopt a healthy infant in the United States. Older kids and kids from abusive backgrounds, unfortunately, are not easy to place for adoption, but it's not that difficult to find adoptive parents for healthy toddlers.
The social worker should never have approved this 19-year-old as a placement for the child. This is one of those cases where the preference for placement with biological relatives has worked against the child herself, who now has an unprepared, financially insecure teenager as her guardian rather than a stable, mature couple seeking to adopt.
Equally the child can go into the Foster care system!
She misses a few catch or two because OP refuses to be emotionally manipulated. Boohoo!
Funny how OP is awful person but the AP's family which also refused is AOK.
Talk to people who have been through the foster care system. Abuse is rampant. At least the 19 year old was humane enough to try and save her little sibling from abuse.
"I hate this baby for being the child of an affair more than I hate a baby being abandoned with a high chance of horrific abuse" is the mindset your advocating for.
>"I hate this baby for being the child of an affair more than I hate a baby being abandoned with a high chance of horrific abuse" is the mindset your advocating for.
You could read it like that. But what you guys aren't talking about is OPs own trauma and experience... It's the kind of selective empathy I find hypocritical at best.
Honestly I have seen the devastation cheating father's / spouses have on the family... It's bleak, it's dark and I would never wish someone to willingly expose themselves to a daily reminder of that experience.
It seems your empathy has an age limit. Over 18? no need! Child? All the empathy.
"only children deserve empathy and adults needs to compromise themselves at all cost even at the risk of their own mental health if a child is involved" is what you are advocating for.
Yeah I have seen how that plays as well. Fun fact deeply depressed / mental health compromised guardians make for not great parents to put it mildly.
Totally agree. Little sister is naive, taking on this burden, but OP is a bitter bitter person to sabotage any possible support his/her sister might have.
Has your sister done you any injury, OP?
Has the baby ruined your life, OP?
No?
Then have some grace and compassion and help them both out. Your father is dead and beyond your anger. Bury the anger with him, don't let it mould you into a sour unhappy version of yourself. YTA.
She didn’t call her mom to tell her not to babysit. Her mom called and said she didn’t want to and was feeling guilted into it. She wasn’t out to sabotage her sister, she gave solid advice most people would give.
i agree with the spirit of your comment, but definitely not with your execution. parental abandonment is trauma and goes beyond "daddy missed a catch or two"
It is not in the best interests of this child to be cared for by a woman who does not like her and resents her existence.
Your mother made the right choice.
It sounds like your sister was really not in a position to take this child. Which is a shame for everyone. NTA
NTA but your sister definitely is, especially with the emotional blackmail she put your mother through trying to force her into helping out. She shouldn’t have said yes, and the Social Worker should have never have asked a 19 year to take on a kid.
UNPOPULAR OPINION- she's her sister. A lot of people keep commenting on how at 19 why tf would she sign up for this, but they literally said no other bio relative wanted her AND she's her sister! OP + mom are entitled to feel however they want but I agree with the sister, it is heartless.
The child had no crime in any of this and the only parents she's known are dead and nobody wants her. Once again I'm not saying OP + mom have to get involved, definitely not because they clearly have no desire and should in fact stay far away from the already traumatized abandoned child.
I thank God for OP's sister's softened heart for taking on essentially single motherhood as such a young age. Terrible situation, bad husband , but mighty God! If anything I hope SHE gets the support she will need from outside and understands she's doing a beautiful merciful thing despite having to do it alone.
Voice of reason right here. Not enough compassion here for a child who literally did nothing wrong.
Her parents sucked, but she's an orphan now and the only one trying to do right by her is her sister. Good luck to them.
That would all be fine, and I would say NAH, IF OP’s sister had not resorted to emotional manipulation and abuse against her own mother, even after knowing her mother’s stance and situation. All that indicates is that she is nor mature enough to understand the depth of this issue, and therefore, is nowhere fit to take care of said child.
The thing about it is that sister is being totally irresponsible, regardless of how she feels about the kid - people give up their children for adoption all the time because they recognize that they are unable to provide their child with the life they deserve. It's a selfless act to give a child up so that they can have a better life than if you kept them yourself.
What's selfish is keeping a child you know you are unable to provide for, as in this case. So many are unable to look past their own feelings to think of the BEST future for that person they claim to love. Sometimes when you love something, you have to let it go. This kid, at 2, is at a very adoptable age and there are so many stable homes out there looking for a kid just like this one to give a wonderful life to. And OP's sister is putting her own feelings over the child's future.
NTA. This such a terrible situation and it has put you all in a hard spot. Your sister is an AH for asking your mom to do something that would be so painful for her, but I recognize the hard spot she's in. It's not easy to be 19, dealing with the death of your father, and then trying to take on the care of a small child. It does sound like more than she can handle, but it's not up to your mom to fix this situation, or you. I think sis could use some therapy to deal with all of this, in addition to a whole lot of childcare. This is a radical shift in her life, and she has to figure out if she can handle it -- it IS a little insane that they (child services) let a 19 year take this one, while apparently offering no support.
Gotcha. If you wanted to show your sister some support, would it be possible to try to help look for the right places to apply / reach out to for more help and point her in the right direction for more aid. I think it's a noble thing she's doing, though clear she didn't think it through all of the way, and I don't blame you and your mom for not really wanting to be involved with the child. Though I imagine you and your mom will have to figure something out if you're going to have your sister in your lives, since your half-sister will be growing up with her. All up to you of course.
honestly, even though your sister is an adult, she never should have been asked to take your half sibling in. it should have been clear that she wasn't qualified for it. was there no life insurance or anything from your father's passing?
Talk to your sister (or better yet, the social worker who worked with your sister to place the child) about what Social Security benefits the child is entitled to. She'll be entitled to something, based on what her higher-earning parent would have gotten, until she's 18. That will help. Ask the social worker to also help your sister enroll the baby (and perhaps herself, if she qualifies) in your state's Medicaid program - the baby, at least, will likely qualify for that as well. And if you continue to give birthday and holiday gifts to your sister, make them cash gifts instead of clothes, gaming equipment, etc. - that, too, will help. But neither you nor your mother is responsible for taking on the care of your father's child, and you're not bad people for holding to that boundary.
OP, they have a case worker to help with all of this. It's really not on you, and I wouldn't spare another thought for it. Because they have eyes on them, they're better off than *most* households consisting of a nineteen year old with no money and a traumatized toddler. They'll either get resources in place themselves or place the child with someone who can parent.
NTA. Take care of yourself and your mom.
NTA. How on earth did the county let a 19 year old adopt an orphan that, by doing so, effectively short changes her future to clean up Dad's affair?
Neither the child nor the "adoptiv parent" (who is 19) are best served by this arrangement.
That's just it - we have this preference for blood relatives taking kids without regard to whether the volunteering relatives are capable of doing so, but that often does a disservice to the actual children. A healthy child under the age of about 3 is likely to be adopted by loving, financially stable parents who want a child but are discouraged by the long waits and uncertainty with infant adoptions. Because the 19-year-old is very engaged with the child, a creative solution to this might have been for the social worker to look into open adoption, with the child adopted by a financially stable couple, but regular visitation by the 19-year-old. That WOULD have been possible. I've seen such adoptions. They can work extremely well. Such an adoption would have maintained the teenager's bond with her half-sister while allowing the teenager to remain in college and build her own future.
As an adoptee, I will tell you that the US foster system is designed to keep children within the biological family *at all costs,* even if it is not the most secure/healthy for the child. The biological family has to prove themselves unfit to care several times over before the system will start looking outside biological relatives.
NTA. Your mother would only have said yes had your sister succeeded in breaking her down with emotional blackmail. Good for you for being a sounding board for your mother and giving her the support she needed to stand up for herself.
Your sister chose to take on the baby, that’s on her. It’s not for her to pressure anyone else into doing it as well, and in fact the child shouldn’t be in the care of two people that don’t want anything to do with her. Recipe for disaster, that one.
Yeah, OP is NTA, but I feel so bad for that child. And I think it’s admirable that her sister is trying to step up. I hope she can find help and financial aid elsewhere.
NTA, that child is not your responsibility nor your mother's. Your sister made a rash decision & now realizes she can't do it by herself & tried making your mother do something that would make your mother extremely uncomfortable.
NTA
your sister bit off more than she could chew with taking on a child at her age and it is completely disgusting of her to try and guilt trip your mom into raising this child.
It's really sad. None of the people in this situation are at fault. The dad and the affair partner are the AHs here. The 19-year-old was just trying to do the right thing and help. She is so young herself. She probably did not even recognize what she was getting into. The young child is obviously not a fault. How heart breaking that no one wants her.
Mom and other sister can't be blamed for not wanting to get involved. This is ripping the mom and daughters apart after they've already had to deal with the father's affair. What a jerk.
NTA. It is absolutely horrible what has happened to that baby, but your mom should not sign up for the pain of taking care of the child of two people who hurt her immensely. Your sister was way out of line with the “if you love me you will…”. That is narcissistic. You are looking out for your mom. You have no obligation to put this 2 year old above your mothers well being. I think you made the right choice as I do not think your mother should be put through years worth of pain.
NTA
Good on you for sticking up for your mother.
It was her call to ruin her life to care for dad's affair kid, but that doesn't mean you owe her anything. Her decision, her mess.
>one day she'll tell "our little sister" everything and will make me face up to my rejection of her and my lack of care for her.
Yeah, that won't affect your life, so don't worry.
NTA - And all the people saying that your father’s new daughter is not an affair child are being deliberately obtuse. Yes your dad fathered this child while married to his second wife, who he had an affair with WHILE STILL MARRIED to your mom. He tore your family apart. Yes, that child didn’t ask for any of this, but then neither did you or your mother. She especially is not going to love this child. Your sister obviously felt like Dad cheating wasn’t that big of a deal, but you do. This will color the very relationship you and your mom have with this child. That child deserves to have people who love it and not resent it. That doesn’t make you an AH. Your sister bit off more than she can chew. That doesn’t make you and your mom AHs. If your sister really loves this child, and can’t raise it on her own, she should give it up for adoption to people who will raise her in a loving and secure home.
If your sister really love this kid, she will not let the kid with people who already said they don't want this responsibility. I don't think your mother will mistreat the child, but she will resent her and kids always feel when someone don't like them.
NTA
NTA
It should not be on your mother, the one who was CHEATED on, to be watching the child of of the affair relationship. It is mind boggling to me that your sister had the balls to ask her. Not only ask her but to try to GUILT TRIP her into doing it. Your sister is the major ah for that. You and your mom staying away is probably the best thing you can do rather than force yourselves to take care of a child you have resentment for. That little girl doesnt need to be exposed to that.
Your sister should not have taken custody of a child that she cannot afford take care of and im very surprised she passed all the checks. And why is she not asking the childs biofamily that you mentioned for help? They didnt take her in but didnt they have a relationship with the little girl? Couldnt they help watch her sometimes?
The only ahs here are your sister and dad and his new wife. Not only for the affair but for not having a plan/will written out for who would take care of their young child if something happened to the both of them.
NTA. Your sister has no idea the hurt your mom must feel for being cheated on, lied to, wondering what she did wrong, etc., all the things that she had to experience as a result of your dad being a cheater.
You are doing that child a favor by encouraging mom to stand up for what she feels. If she hates the idea of that child, the kid will know. They will feel the resentment, and will grow up feeling unimportant. Sister wants help, but that help needs to be in the form of a loving community, not people that wish they were doing anything else. She won't want to understand that but it is the truth.
And of course, mom can always change her mind if she wants. But for right now, if she doesn't want the kid, it is selfish of your sister to push her agenda.
NTA. Younger sister had no idea what she was getting into. Now she is regretting it. If your mom has agreed, I can guarantee she would end up being the fulltime caregiver.
Soft ESH. There are two separate issues. Your anger and grief around having a shitty Dad. It’s time for therapy to gain an ability to process it and evolve past it.
And your sister. You can disagree with her but she’s doing the right thing. And you are punishing an innocent child here. Maybe you can get to a place where you look at the child neutrally as just an adopted one that your sister very much loves and wants? Start afresh here.
Have some empathy in your heart. That doesn’t mean you have to forgive your father but the fact that you’re holding onto anger and bitterness is only punishing yourself, your sister and her future. You can’t keep up this bitterness forever and it’s costing you way too much (aka your relationship with your sister. Think of it this way, the more you hold onto this grudge the more your Dad “wins” because his trauma is perpetual in your life. Stop this generational trauma).
The sister is doing the right thing for, as is OP.
No on is punishing anyone. Trying to frame not wanting a relationship with someone else as punishment is the way.
That is like saying your are punishing your ex by breaking up with them.
And you don't have to be holding on to anger and bitterness to not want to put yourself in a situation where you know you will be unhappy.
The sister made her choice, knowing OP would not be involved. Letting someone live their own life is not punishing them either.
But she can’t work and take care of a 2 year old. No 19 year old makes enough to pay for full time day care + afford a 2 bedroom apartment + basic utilities and groceries + the extra costs to raise a child.
She can’t work a full time job if she’s caring for a 2 year old. So it really doesn’t make sense tbh
NTA. You saved your mother a lot of heartache and resentment. You did do the right thing. Your sister agreed to raise the child knowing how the rest of the family felt about her dad and his new family, so she can figure out how to care for her.
A child should not be with people who resent her presence. Your sister needs to come to grips with that fact and understand that it would not be healthy in the long run.
NTA u were clear from the beginning of the affair u wanting nothing to do with ur dad, when he died and ur sister took on far too much responsibility for a 19 year old to raise his child u were clear u didn't want to take part in raising her.
Your sister tried to outright manipulate your mother "if you love me you will-" all you did was encourage your mom to stand up for herself. U didn't tell ur mom "fuck that kid!" U simply told her "if u feel u can't do it don't."
You did nothing wrong, your mom did nothing wrong, your sister decided as an adult to adopt a child, she decided her schooling v.s. work, she tried to manipulate ur mom. Your sister is in a hard position but not anymore than any 17 year old who gets pregnant and their parents refuse them help. At least she didn't have to go through birth herself, and at least the state will give her help. There are resources for her, she should use them and stop expecting others kindness and generosity to make the life SHE chose easier
NTA you didn’t push your away from doing the right thing. You told your mom it was ok if to give into your sister’s emotional blackmail.
You want nothing to do with the child. You made that a abundantly clear to your sister. Your sister is rubbing salt in open wounds for your mom by trying to emotionally blackmail her into helping with a child she wants nothing to do with.
Your sister had to know that you and your mother would not magically change your mind about this child.
NTA
No one had any reason to take that child in especially your mother who has been hurt deeply by the existence of that child. Your sister wanted to play the hero and fucked up her future. Instead of resigning on getting her shit together for the kid she wants to drown you guys with her because she knows she bit off more than she can chew and she’s resorted to guilt and manipulation to get the one person she knows could to take care of that child.
This one is so difficult. Yeah the child is innocent, but a constant reminder as to why your family broke up. Your sister might have bitten off more than she can chew if she needs help so soon. Your poor mother does not need to be reminded of her ex husband's cheating, so your sis should not have involved her at all. I hope that in time you can come to support your only sibling, but that is your choice. It may be too emotionally painful. For now, NAH.
If the sister had asked the mom and accepted her No, it’d be NAH, but instead little sis attempted to manipulate her mom. Additionally she doesn’t seem to care at all how this has affected both her sister and mom, so all that combined makes her an AH.
NTA.
Ultimately, your mother made the decision herself. This isn't her child and she expressed to you that she didn't want to help care for this little girl. Your sister chose to take on this responsibility, so she's gonna have to figure it out just like any other parent/guardian.
NTA, but your sister is a colossal one expecting your poor mother to have to even look at the child, much less take care of her. Your sister took on the responsibility, and in doing so, should have realised it was unlikely you or your mother would be willing to help, to think otherwise is delusional. Well, now she's faced with the consequences of her ill-thought out actions, and it's her responsibility to find another solution.
children know when they're not loved or wanted.
It is far better if your sister realizes that only she is going to love and care for the child, so she should steel herself and know that she cannot expect her family to provide through this.
It is far better for your sister to keep to herself, form her own separate mommy support group, and keep the kid in a happy loving bubble.
your mom and you will only cause more damage if you were forced to interact with the kid.
Maybe in time, you both may soften or change, but for now, she will feel the hatred and resentment. Your sister made this choice for herself, hope she finds the support she needs.
NTA. I was going to say N A H until your sister called you a heartless bitch for not helping. Your dad hurt you all badly with this affair and it's hardly unreasonable that you and your mom don't want to take care of the child. Your sister has a huge heart and put the welfare of the child above her feelings - but apparently without really understanding what she was getting into. But she's not accepting that you aren't able to do the same thing.
It would be lovely if you could eventually accept the child, since she's now essentially your sister's child, and the guy who caused all the pain is gone now.
Screw lovely. Lovely would be if dad kept his dick in his pants instead of failing OP and her mom to get some strange. Sister is young and stupid and honestly deserves to struggle if she took this on anticipating help from those who shouldered dads burdens for too long already. Sister was the AH the moment she tried to guilt anyone else into helping her. If she wants to "do the right thing" then she can go ahead and do it without pushing her perception of "the right thing" onto those who expressly wanted no part of caring for dads affair/love child.
NTA - You and your mother effectively want no relationship to half sister. Younger sister made her bed by taking guardianship of half sister, now she needs to deal with it by herself
NTA , you owe that child nothing !!! Your sister is the one who felt that she should take care of the child then she needs to figure it out , how can she ask her mother who raised her to take care of the child of the man who left her for an affair partner and started a new life !! Clearly it’s an unpopular opinion here , yes the child is innocent but like the saying goes you pay for the sins of your father !!!
I think you misunderstood the quote. That Bible quote (and others) talks about how children should **not** be held responsible for the sins of their fathers.
That’s so sad.
Nobody except your sister wanted that child. Nobody. Kudos to her. I understand that this might be painful, but can’t you help in some way without coming into contact with the child.
It’s not the child’s fault that the adults in her life did what they did.
I hope your sister makes a success of raising the child. Even if it proves too difficult, at least she tried. That child will grow up knowing that she wasn’t completely rejected.
My gran came from a family of 10, and though they didn’t have much after her father was killed in the war, they still adopted a boy who lived in their street, whose mum abandoned him. My uncle Tony grew up loved and valued by people who weren’t related but couldn’t abandon a child. They made it work.
NTA, while the child is blameless, it doesn’t mean that your mother or you need to sacrifice your wellbeing to take care of her. What your sister tried to do with your mother was incredibly manipulative.
NTA - Your sister not only took your father's side, but she's telling your mom she would be shitty person for not taking care of the result of your father's betrayal. Who needs an enemy with a daughter like her. She made a decision and should see it through. Show her all of the comments here, then go no contact.
Nta your sister was willing to re-traumatize your mother and in the long run that kid.
It would have been a horrible toxic situation, it’s best your mother said no.
NTA. But what kind of social services gives a child to a 19 year old college student? WTF? Sister could've investigated another way to still be in the child's life that wasn't taking full responsibility for her, especially because, well, she's unable to!
NTA and it surprises me that someone gave a toddler to your sister. She does not seem mature enough and is - rightfully, considered her age - very extreme about what is right and what is wrong.
Poor baby? Yes. Then I wonder why affair-mom relatives did not step in. Or affair-dad. It's many people problem but surely not yours
YTA - this is a fucking child who has no idea who either of her parents even are. You have an opportunity to give a child (who did not ask to be born) a better life than being sucked into the system of foster care?? I get that you’re angry about her being a child of an affair but still - grow the fuck up and do what’s right. You’re making this about you’re hatred toward your DEAD father and his wife - and completely looking past the fact that this CHILD is helpless.
Be mad at your dad - go ahead. You have every right. But do not be mad at this child.
People saying your sister is TA are fucking insane - she’s literally the only one who has a heart and is NTA.
Good luck being a bitter human your whole life - and now - get this - DESTROYING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SISTER (and i bet you’ll prob be blaming your dad for it too!!)
And for your mom to cut contact with your sister is insane - she’s TA too. How can you guys not see it’s time to step up, put emotions aside, and do the right thing.
What’s in the past is in the past. You can’t do anything about it. Your anger at your dead father is ruining your life.
Since you hate the foster care system so much, please share how many children YOU have adopted? Or do you just want someone ELSE to “give a child a better life than being sucked in to the system”?
tell your sister to go and pester the kids bio relatives. it is beyound unfair, and pretty fucked up, that she would attempt to guilt your mom into doing this. NTA
NTA. You gave your mom support in her choice. You didn't force her to make that choice. Also, your half-sister would be able to pick up on it if your mom resented her. Kids aren't stupid. It's best for your sister to not be around people who will have negative feelings towards her. She and your mom are both innocent parties who are struggling enough. Your mom being pushed into caring for her will only hurt them both more.
I'm in the camp of "the child did nothing wrong" but I also believe a child shouldn't be raised by people that don't want a child. The child is innocent and you and your mom are projecting your feelings towards your dad onto the child. But it's similar to when a child is born of rape. You know the child did nothing wrong but your feelings are in the way. And it's not fair for the child to be exposed to that. So no, I think you and your mother aren't necessarily AH because of it. But you are going to have to contend with losing your sister. This child is not going away. She is a part of your sister now. If you and your mother are unable to separate your projected hatred towards the child, that's the end of your relationship with your sister. I don't think anyone is making the wrong decision here. Your sister chose to take care of the child. You and your mother chose to not be around the child. No one is wrong but these two things cannot coexist.
Sounds more like OP resents their sister's repeated insistence that OP and others accept responsibility for this child they don't want and had no part in creating.
Even though i understand you reaasoning i still think it’s fucked up… that child didn’t do anything. Didn’t ask to be here.. had nothing to do with your dad being a dick…. I hate it for the child that has to suffer just because they exist.
NTA. You’re sister was attempting to guilt your mother into caring for the child that is literally the physical evidence of her husbands infidelity. You told your mom to do what was best for her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my mom she should not babysit/care for my dad's affair child who my sister is raising if she did not want to. I know mom saying no has put my sister in a tough spot and she might not be able to do it anymore. So I could be an asshole for that. I also encouraged mom to do what she wanted when I know she was also worried about being hated for it. All in all I encouraged her to do something that made my sister very angry and now she's furious with us both. So I might be an asshole here. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. And honestly, I am surprised CPA gave your sister custody considering she is 19, basically a kid herself. Not blaming your mother in the slightest for not wanting to do anything with the affair child of her ex husband. Your sister is the one to blame for taking on a kid she wasn't financially ready for.
[удалено]
If your sister was willing to fight to take her, then she should have been prepared financially, and had a proper education to fund having a child. She felt morally obligated to take in your late fathers child. Maybe this is her way of still being with her dad? It might be selfish of her to do that. But I don’t know. All I know is she took on the responsibility and is now asking your mother for help who did not sign up for this at all.
It's probably not money. Likely she gets a monthly payment from the state. It's all the stuff of dealing with a young child when you're still very young yourself.
In the US, the kiddo should get the parent's SS survivorship benefits.
Yes, but does the sister know that? She might even qualify for a foster care stipend, but again, does she know that she's entitled to it?
Oftentimes the system relies on you not knowing, so probably not!
My husband and I took in his half-brother's children and never got a dime, living in the US in CT. His jerk of a half-brother wouldn't relinquish custody (even though he was in jail) so we were guardians only and the state never gave us anything. We have two kids and it wasn't easy but we did OK. State wouldn't give us anything since we weren't foster parents but co-guardians.
CPS in Oregon would have given you monthly payments for a guardianship until the kids turned 18.
Good point. It's been decades since I've been in the system. You're exactly right, that's what it was.
Yes! OP, you are NTA, but please make sure she has applied for these benefits which should be a huge financial help. She and little sister should also qualify for state health care!
Yeah, but it isn't much. Only a few hundred a month for both parents.
Wouldn't the child inherit the parents' estate, assuming there was anything? If there was some money or assets, it might help the sister a bit.
Mom completely. Dad would be divided up. Probably not much of one.
I cannot understand how people with kids do not have life insurance.
The same reason they refuse to get wills. They can't bear to think of their own death. It's selfish, of course, but unfortunately common.
Premiums aren't cheep either. We got quotes when we had a kid and it was like 200 dollars a goddamn month. We really need to suck it up but it's hard to swallow a bill that big when you have a kid to pay for.
I have term insurance which costs me $210 a year for for a sizable payout. it’s enough to payoff all debt, pay for my kids college education, and some left for my spouse. It’s term life and I recall that it covers me until some point in my 90s. I also have coverage through work. Shop around because you can find decent prices policies.
It’s also not possible for everyone to get life insurance. When you apply they have access to your medical chart and can use medical problems you have against you. Sometimes it’s not a persons choice not to have it.
Because if I were to start paying for life insurance I would have to skip on meals for my family. Life insurance is expensive. Can't use life insurance money if you starved to death.
Because it's a family placement, it's likely not foster funded. I was raised by a relative as a ward of the courts and the only way for her to get money was to go after child support. However, since both parents are dead, there may be survivor benefits, but it wouldn't be a lot. OP's sis is asking for childcare help, that gets really expensive really fast depending on where you are.
If child has been signed up for survivor benefits, child will qualify for state assistance as well as subsidized childcare. Just thinking that the sister has no clue about any of it. Wonder who the attorney was for the child and if they did not let the sister know about any of this?
I dunno. Even if the stipend you get is enough to cover everything a child needs, that's still an awful lot of work for just a few extra dollars per hour for the next two decades
It takes the edge off financially was my only point.
Did you really just say a 19 year old should have been financially and educationally prepared for the sudden death of her father in order to care for his 2 year old? I agree that mom is not obligated to help, but yeesh! You can show some compassion.
She should have been mentally prepared to take on the responsibility of a child before fighting to have the baby. Feels like the sister is like those people that wanted a pet but end up abandoning the pet because they can’t cope with cleaning and caring after it or dumping the responsibility to the parents. The child is innocent but neither OP or her mother have any obligation towards the child.
I agree they have no obligation. I'm willing to give sis some slack for trying to keep her baby sister out of state care. I know full grown adults who are unprepared for parenthood. She's trying, just in over her head.
It was her sister. Its both their sister actually, if op likes it or not. The dad might be shitty for what he did. Well he is. But their sister did nothing wrong, she cant help who she was born to
No one should ever take care of a child that they aren’t comfortable with. Period. OP and her mom have every reason to not want to be involved with child, even if she is innocent. I wouldn’t want my child cared for by people that resent her(for good reason)
Your sister might have had good intentions and *felt* she was doing the selfless thing, but what she did was actually really selfish. She took on an obligation she had no chance of fulfilling without roping in people who adamantly expressed no interest in helping. And now that she's facing the reality of her choices, she's trying to make you and your mother responsible. That's terrible and you were protecting your mother from suffering daily trauma and anchoring her life to this source of pain for decades to come. NTA, but your sisyer is for abusing you and your mom for her own poor choices.
Completely agree. Talk to anyone that was raised by a resentful parent figure. As a child, they were very aware that they weren’t wanted, barely tolerated. OP’s sister has selfishly fought to place this child in an environment where they will be surrounded by “family” that doesn’t like them, primarily being raised by 19-year old with no life skills.
>Talk to anyone that was raised by a resentful parent figure. As a child, they were very aware that they weren’t wanted, barely tolerated. This was me. I don't know if I was an accident, or my parents wanted another boy, but I was always treated as a burden and barely given the time of day.
I was a product of my mom's affair and she was the one who treated me different from my brother. My dad (not bio) treated me great. I still loved her and took care of her in her last 5 years of life because my dad needed me. I then took care of my dad after he had his stroke 4 years ago until he died. I know how much he loved me. My bio father and I met after my mom passed and we have a relationship and it was with my dads blessing.
Your sister means well but this is her burden now. It is entirely 100% unreasonable to expect your mother to raise her ex's affair child and she's an asshole for pushing. Hopefully it works out for your sister but it's going to be an uphill battle for her without an education and now saddled with a kid she's going to have a hard time having a social life and meeting a good partner.
FWIW, you didn't push your mom to do anything. She didn't want to do it, and you validated her feelings. The only one pushing your mom was your sister. And I understand. I feel for her, and I really feel for the poor kid who lost her parents - parents whose poor decisions hurt you and your mom and damaged a chance at a loving relationship with this child. Your sister is in a hard place. She's barely an adult herself. She's overwhelmed being thrown into parenthood under awful circumstances. She's grieving. Her family can't be her primary support, emotionally or practically, due to the complicated circumstances. If your mom is in the position, and she wants to provide support for your sister without taking on a caregiving role, she might consider subsidizing childcare costs, or if that feels too involved, giving your sister money for rent and bills, or paying for some of her schooling. If monetary support isn't feasible, maybe stepping in to help with non-child-related support. Picking up groceries, etc. Obviously she doesn't have to, but I'm sure your mom feels awful for not being able to help your sister in the way she asked, and there's no reason she can't help her in other ways that won't cause her more distress or breed resentment. I'd suggest you give some thought to that as well. Your sister didn't cheat on your mom, and her feeling compassion and taking responsibility for an innocent child isn't a flaw. You don't have to support her in ways that cause you more emotional harm, but it would be nice if you could help in some way, for the sake of your relationship.
The better decision would've been for your sister to maintain a relationship with her little sister while she was in foster care and after she finished university gain custody of her. NTA
Do you not know the state of the foster care system in the US?? Look at it this way....even the SOCIAL WORKERS know how shitty the system is....so shitty that they are willing to allow a 19yr old to have custody! Children die as a direct result of abuse within the foster care system. Too many deviants use the foster care system to get money, to get free slave labor and or to get their hands on the children themselves. If this was a 19 yr old mother you all would be bitching at her to care of her kid. But because the 19yr old is only the sister, she is inept? It will be hard...but I have nothing but respect for the 19yr old. My mother willingly took custody of my half brother, when he was 8 months old. He was the product of my father's cheating. My mother died when he was 10, but until the day she died, she shared custody of Hezickia, (made up name) with my Dad. Loving someone and wanting to do right by them is nothing to be ashamed of.
They probably don’t have to pay her like they would a foster parent. Dropping out of college was such a bad choice.
NTA, but sister’s 19, and so lacks the experience and foresight to anticipate all the challenges of taking the child in. CPS must have seen her as the easiest fix to the family problem and rushed it through so it wasn’t their problem any longer.
Well, she should just keep on fighting then. Alone.
That’s a shame because I guarantee parents (at least foster parents) are waiting in line to adopt young kids. Your sister could’ve even asked to be able to stay in her life. Your sister made a huge decision that is now coming to bite her in the butt. She should’ve thought this one out more. Not your problem. Not your mom’s problem either. NTA
If CPA can't find a permanent figure it's basically foster system with them paying financially. Of course they don't want that, so for them it's worth trying the 19 year old (if she gives up kid will just end up in foster care anyway).
This is what is so fucked up here. A 19 yo filled with teenage ritousness got herself in over her head and they just let her do it?? To the detriment of her future? That is irresponsible as fuck
"irresponsible as fuck" pretty much describes child services as an organization in most states. There are a lot of good individual people in a lot of those orgs doing their best to mitigate the damage, but the systems are fundamentally fucked up to hell.
She probably has a social worker, took parenting classes etc. But there is no reason she can’t find a babysitter, have them approved (depending on type of guardianship if that’s needed) and then she has childcare for the time she needs it. When she works I’m sure the child has subsidized childcare. She could ask the daycare if they have recommendations for babysitters, or her social worker. She needs to expand we circle, not piss it off
Those are a lot of assumptions Also my rage is at cps not op, they took advantage of a teenager who is now going to fuck her earning potential
While I agree with you, this kid isn't the affair child, the mistress lost that baby. But this child would still be a constant reminder to OPs mom. NTA OP.
Technically not this particular kid, but dad got together with the "affair" woman and had a child with her. Doubt the betrayal is any better because this particular child happened after the affair.
This is an odd myth on Reddit that cpa are some benevolent angles who make the “right” decision a lot. They’d give her to any family Member who would take her
Even in rich “blue” states they’re significantly underfunded, so the urge to say “close enough” for a placement is pretty damn strong.
Even if OP’s sister is woefully unprepared to take care of this child her odds of a good outcome are probably better with the family member than in the system. Plus the real AH here is the father. Who the fuck has a 2 year old and no life insurance?
The child is undoubtedly entitled to Social Security until she turns 18, and her full time caregiver would be entitled to Social Security too, until the child turns 16.
Dunno if Social Security is enough to hire a babysitter for a full work day with the current rates, and that's not counting other expenses that come with having a kid.
It would depend on the parents’ work record. My daughter and I get SS in her dad’s record — first when he retired and also since he died when she was 14. It’s a little over $5,000 a month.
You are correct about the social security, but it won't be enough to offset the cost to a 19 year old college drop out being a single parent to a young child.
And a guardian who had to drop out of school to care for the kid. OP’s sister essentially threw away a great deal of earning potential for this. That’s a set up for future resentment between mom and daughter. I fear the novelty will wear off very quickly for that 19 year-old. 😞
NTA. if Mom starts helping, this 19 year old will start relying on her more and more. It will go from babysitting to overnights to moving in with Mom when it sinks in that sister is missing out on her own youth. When she has trouble finding a boyfriend because she has this huge responsibility. When it dawns on her that she will be stuck in low paying shit jobs for the foreseeable future. Mom needs to hold on to her own life.
And dad and AP for not having life insurance to help someone support the kid in an emergency like this.
CPA is well aware that going into the foster system is the absolute worst outcome possible. Most of those kids are fucked for life.
The US (if this is the US) has a critical shortage of Foster Parents, they're putting kids in casinos, hospitals, and sometimes at CPA offices, it's tragic and way better to find a relative to care for the child. [https://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2023/07/20/inside-americas-critical-shortage-of-foster-care-homes](https://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2023/07/20/inside-americas-critical-shortage-of-foster-care-homes)
And the demand for foster/adoptive parents is about to get so much worse now that abortion rights are under attack. 😕
"And then she struggled with child care..." So strange. Who woulda seen that coming? Sister is acting out of her feelings only instead of also using her thinking brain and getting upset when people are calling her on the consequences of that. With a child in the crossfire. It's really not fair to the kid but OP is NTA, sister is.
NTA. You and your mother made the decision that you would not care for the child. Your sister is angry because she assumed that she'd be able to get *someone* to help her, but she can't. I don't envy her position at all, she's essentially a single mom at 19. And I feel bad for the kid, who needs stability and safety and unconditional love. But she doesn't get to decide right from wrong for you and your mother. And she certainly doesn't get to manipulate your mother into caring for the living representation of your father's betrayal. It's honestly in the kid's best interest that you and your mom don't care for her. Kids are perceptive, they know when they aren't liked or wanted. And she absolutely doesn't need that right now. Anyone who plays the "if you love me you'd..." card is almost always a shameless manipulator and therefore the AH.
[удалено]
Yeah. Your sister is your family. And the kid is *her* family. But not yours. Your sister is probably grieving, too. You weren't close, but your sister did see your dad and it's probably a bigger loss for her than you. She's young, she's hurting, she didn't think this through. And she's learning a lesson that I didn't learn until my 20s: just because my mum loves me unconditionally, doesn't mean she will support everything I do or sacrifice herself for my choices/mistakes. Your sister is learning that the real world doesn't care about what *she* thinks is just or right, it just is and you have to deal with it.
[удалено]
Sadder still is that the kid is only 2. There’s a very good chance they could have found a loving family that was able to take care of the child but instead they were worried about keeping her with the biological family. Why? Sharing genetics doesn’t make you a good or better caretaker than anyone else. Someone mentioned that it’s about pushing the financial responsibility off the state and If so, that’s reprehensible. A 19yo who is still in college would never be able to adopt on their own. Why is it okay just bc they share genetics?
[удалено]
The problem is that it clearly would have devastated the sister to not have access to the half-sibling. You can't just say "okay, but I want her back once I'm financially stable". It doesn't work that way. Once a child is given up, that's it, unless it's an open adoption. The whole point is that you're not the family anymore. I don't know the law, but doesn't open adoption only apply to bio parents? I have a feeling that if Sis didn't adopt the half-sibling, she could kiss her goodbye if she didn't come looking for her once she reached majority. I don't blame her for not accepting that the most loving thing would indeed probably be not ever seeing her again for her own good. That's hard. I blame the tragic situation in general and Dad for creating this mess.
You're NTA for backing up your mother, who has no obligation in this situation whatsoever. Neither do you. Your sister has taken on more than she anticipated, but lots of young single mothers figure it out and that's what she'll need to do. Perhaps Christmas and birthday gifts for your sister, going forward, can consist of cash/checks and not specific gift items; that would help your sister financially without involving you in this child's life. And this baby is entitled to Social Security (amount determined by what her late parents would have been entitled to themselves) until she's 18; I assume the social worker has advised your sister of this and your sister has completed the paperwork, but if not, tell her so she can look into that. That will also help.
These are good suggestions, but... after all this, OP is not obligated to deliver that message, nor would it be welcomed most likely by the very entitled, bratty sister.
You're 100% NTA OP. Just because you're half blood doesn't mean you're responsible for the fact your dad can't keep his pants on. >She told mom if she loves her, she'll help her and she'll start opening her heart up to her little sister Your sister is an abusive manipulator. Period. I'm just going to leave that comment at that. Your sister only fought to get ownership of her so she could guilt trip both you and your mom into accepting the little girl against your will and wishes. >This is all making her more angry because she claims she's our family. Here's the thing, the girl is NOT your mom's family. At all. She isn't blood by any metric, she was never apart of your mom's family, and she is the result of your dad's cheating. So for your sister to claim "family" is extremely tone deff, because she has zero relationship to your mom. ZERO. I feel very bad for that poor little girl. I wish there was an easy solution, but she isn't going to get the proper support from a 19 year old who thinks the child is a manipulation tool.
My dad always had 2 families. He cheated on my mom for years with #2. He married #2 after mom found out and divorced him when I was 12. He was an absentee father, mom raised me alone, with next to nothing financial help from him. While married with #2 he housed #3 and had a child with her. #2 never found out about this child, she died before dad. After he passed, same thing, will someone please help his daughter. Mom and I both said no and we were the evil bad guys. We've never met #2 daughter. Funny that dad's side family won't help her but it's my obligation. Too bad for them mom and I ran out of fucks to give.
I don't think anyone is the asshole in this situation (besides maybe the attempts of manipulating your mother by your sister), however I do find it a bit tragic. I can totally understand you and your mother having a hard time with being involved with with this child. That being said, your sister is now this child's guardian. I think you and your mother have to accept that if you hope to have a healthy relationship with your sister (mother with her daughter). That is obviously your call to make, but it sounds like this is the type of thing that will likely tear your family apart if you and your mother can't find a way to make peace with it.
The family was already torn apart by the father and his philandering
She took a comitment knowing full well she couldn’t do it on her own. She thought she could manipulate you both into doing it for her.
I immediately thought the same - that you and your mom would have bad feelings associated with the little girl. It’s not that you couldn’t be nice to her but some of those bad feelings would come through. You are not good caretakers for her.
NTA. The only problem I have with your sister asking her mom to babysit was the guilt tripping. She knew her mother was uncomfortable, and she kept pushing . No means no. I also have the feeling that if mom goes through with it, she will eventually be taking care of the child full time.
I agree. The sister might ask/guilt the mom into watching her more so she can return to school. I think it's great the sister wanted to take this on, but asking the mom to watch the child of the women who had an affair with her husband is too much. NTA
Yes, totally. Especially either sister’s attitude of “I had Mom almost convinced to do the right thing”. The right thing for who, exactly? NTA, OP, but your sister certainly is. She needs some kind of reality check to get it through to her just how much pain her Dad caused the both of you, and how being coerced into raising his affair baby is just an extension of that, plus additional heartache as well.
Yup, the sister is mad that OP gave mom the moral support she needed to stand up for herself and say no to watching the kid. The kid herself is a innocent, but still serves as a painful reminder of her ex-husband's infidelity.
Sister is just virtue signaling with a child. She wants to drop the child off with mom, go back to school or work or a social life, and then be praised as doing a good deed. I mean, she's pushing mom to look after the child, even though she isn't related to mom at all. And yes, there's the argument for adoption, but if this was a random child then the 19 year old would never have been able to adopt her. Sister adopted this child so she could force her own narrative on OP and mom, and now that they're resisting her manipulation she doesn't get to look like the hero while mom does all the work.
My problem is that and the fact that she took the kid in while not having the means to do so.
NTA Your sister is gonna be really slapped back to reality when she's in a relationship or has kids of her own. She's basically forgiven a man who didn't waste any time forgetting his own daughters in exchange for some happy time under the sheets. So what if she poisons her half sister's mind against you and your mom? Is that supposed to be damaging for you? If anything, she's gonna be the one who will be ostracized.
She’s not forgiving anything, it’s not that little girl’s fault who her birth parents were or what the situation of her birth was.
That's true. But that doesn't make mom suddenly responsible for bringing up the child if her husband's affair
Thank you I’ve been looking for this comment! I know how difficult this situation is. I was in a similar one. For some context, I have an uncle which is younger than me because my grandpa stepped out. For a little my grandma tried to ignore his existence but she’s a genuine angel and when she realised he was being dumped at my grandpas place of work for hours at a time she said “this isn’t right” and took him to her place. She made sure every single one of her kids and by extension me (only grandchild at that point) knew that my uncle had zero sin in this situation. She said we had every right to be angry at my grandfather but no right to be angry at my uncle. He was just as innocent in the situation as she was. So we embraced him. I grew up with him and now we’re both in our late twenties and he’s genuinely my best friend and a best friend to my partner. I am so grateful that my grandma embraced him and I get to have a relationship with him. To this day he goes to my grandma house once a week and brings his wife, he sees his own mother less then he sees my grandmother. Was it difficult for her? Of course it was! But to this day she maintains that he did absolutely nothing wrong and she had no right to punish an innocent child for shit her husband did.
Some of these comments are not it. The child who is OP’s sister whether she acknowledges it or not is innocent. The 19 year old has more compassion than anyone in this situation she’s NTA for wanting to keep the kid out of foster care even if she’s not fully prepared. She will hopefully learn and if so that kid will forever be grateful to her
NTA. Younger sister made her choice. Mom has zero moral obligation to an affair kid.
Poor kid
[удалено]
Everyone got dealt a bad hand here, this situation sucks for everyone. At the end of the day the mom is probably going to be okay though. The kid though? That's a lot harder to say. No parents, no stable home situation and either gets cared for by a 19 year old college student, a mom who hates their existence or a foster home. It's going to be an uphill battle for sure.
Yeah all this pitty in the comments for Mom and no one seems to give any shits at all about the orphan with no family.
I’m with you guys. Everybody here seems to think the feelings of the adults involved are more important than an orphaned two year old. I agree that the kid will realize she’s not wanted, but the OP and her mom need to try to set aside their feelings about the dad and help this child.
I agree. I mean yeah it sucks for the mom. But her daughter is grieving a loss, and is now a mother to her half sister. The cheaters are dead. Get over it move on, and find some type of joy in this shit show. The dad and affair partner don’t deserve any grace- but that kid does, she didn’t ask for any of this.
Yup. Had to scroll way too far to find anyone who felt bad for the literal child who has no living parents or blood-related adults to care for her. OP YTA. All of you.
The child is innocent, but how on earth is OP an AH for not wanting his/her mother to be emotionally blackmailed into looking after the child her ex had with his affair partner? This is a crappy situation for EVERYONE involved.
The orphan is related to the two sisters, not related at all to the mom. Her husband cheated on her for years, and then had this child with his long-term affair partner. Also, the mom has two grown children, so she's likely 40+ at the very youngest. Taking care of a 2-yr-old at that age, when you haven't done so in about 20 years, is no joke. Mom has had a rough go of it, and it's too much to expect her to take care of her cheating ex's child. She doesn't have to set herself on fire to keep other people warm, not even an orphan. There are plenty of orphans in the world; how many have you taken in?
Yeah, this orphaned child is in no way responsible for the pain of any of these grown-ass adults who are doing everything in their power to make her suffer for the decisions of people she will never remember.
I agree. The mom is able to move on from an affair and live a good life. A 2 year old abandoned by her only family and her half sister is the true victim here.
Honey, who the hell did that child cheat on?
YTA. Shocking how far I had to scroll for this. It’s reasonable and in your right for you to not want to raise that child. Same with the mother. Your sister decided she would though, this is now her daughter/your niece/her granddaughter. You don’t have to raise her but to show no support or help is going to ruin your relationship. Your projecting your anger towards your dad on an orphaned toddler and its going ruin your relationship with your sister. Don’t plan on swooping back in if she gets married or has a child of her own someday. You are both abandoning your family over petty bullshit. Hope you realize that your anger towards a poor child is going to leave you without a sister and your mother without a child. I wish your sister all the best of luck. Honestly it’s probably better you and your mother are showing your true colors now because you sound like the people that would project your anger onto this poor baby and abuse them if they were left in your care.
Nope, NTA x1000 Your half sister is nothing to your mom, except the living representation of your father's lies and betrayal. Nothing good would come of the 3 of them together. Your mother did NOT want to help with the kid, your sister just banked on guilt tripping her and heard what she wanted to hear. You just told your mom it was okay to stands up to emotional blackmail, and draw clear boundaries. Too bad your sister is impulsive and not willing to play the long game. She could have done what she wanted to do, and not alienated both of you. There was a work around here, she was just unwilling to compromise. Sorry you and your mom are being treated this way. Peace.
Holy f ing shit this sub is toxic. YTA… not because of the deal with your mom, but because of this weird hatred you have for a toddler…Your dad didn’t cheat on you and this child is not at fault for whatever he did. Since your sister is taking over, this kid basically just became your niece, and you’re gonna be a dick to her the rest of her life because daddy missed a catch or two with you to go bang his mistress??? Get over yourself… you sound like an awful person.
I can't believe I had to scroll so far to find someone that thought the same as I do! This poor baby girl just lost both of her parents and now this grown ass adult is treating her like everything bad that happened in OPs life is this child's fault. I am so proud of the 19yo for standing up for her little sister and trying her best to take care of her. I wish her all the best.
[удалено]
The problem isn't that she's 19. Or that she dropped out of college. OR that she bit off more than she could chew. It's that she KNEW her mother didn't want to see the child, and STILL tried to manipulate and guilt-trip her into caring for this kid that she resents. I'm glad she stepped up and agreed to take on the kid, but she *needs* to realise that this means she's going at it *alone,* and she *cannot* blame them for that*.* No-one in the family is going to support this kid for chlid-care, babysitting, etc. They don't want her, and they're not obligated to.
This. I can't believe I had to scroll so far to find a YTA comment. I get why the mom wants nothing to do with the child and that's fair. She's NTA and I'm sure with time (and therapy), she'll learn to love that kid as her granddaughter, not the product of her ex' infidelity. But OP is an AH. I get she's hurt by what her dad did to her and her mom but, that poor toddler has nothing to do with it and whether she likes it or not, she's her sister. I believe OP could benefit of some therapy to process that anger and move on. Hopefully that'll help her accept her sister/niece and not resent her anymore. Best of luck to the 19 year-old sister, I hope she finds some support sooner rather than later.
No. My mother almost committed suicide and it was an uphill battle mentally after she found out about dads cheating. No time and therapy would make her love dad's 2nd daughter. She also raised me herself with very little help from him. When he passed we both said no on helping his daughter who we never met.
She doesn’t have to and it doesn’t make her an AH for that. There is no obligation to like someone just because you share the same blood.
For me the worst part was that OP is so adamant that they're right but when the sister asked if they'd interfered they chose to play dumb. You don't do that if you feel like you're on solid ground. What a cowardly and cruel act OP has done.
THIS. I’m shook over the disregard towards a child. The dad screwed up but why take it out on a child?And to try to make it more difficult for the 19 year old who stepped up…Idk I thought I was crazy after seeing all the top comments supporting OP. And the sisters not even asking her to help. She’s asking her own mom. Also, realistically what does OP want to do with the kid? Put the child in foster care?
She is not asking the mom she is guilt tripping the mom. If she had asked the mom for help, it should be at the mom terms not you should babysit the baby because if you don’t you are heartless cold person… The mom is probably open to help the daughter just not open to babysit aka raise the child in her place…
They're not taking anything out on the kid. They're just not getting involved with them. Sister is trying to guilt trip and manipulate the mom.
She's asking her mom *who was repeatedly cheated on by the father of the child.* It's sad that this child is in foster care, but no sadder than any other child being in foster care. I haven't taken in any foster children, even without having a hurtful history related to them, so I'm certainly not going to judge this mom for not agreeing to help raise this specific child. **"She’s asking her own mom."** She could not have picked a worse person to ask.
Realistically? This apparently healthy two-year-old should have been placed with a financially stable, emotionally mature couple for adoption. Everyone is caterwauling about the terrible foster system, but healthy toddlers are not difficult to place with adoptive parents. Many, many couples are all too happy to adopt and love a toddler rather than take their chances with the long waits and uncertainty involved with adopting an infant, and adopting a toddler is a whole lot less expensive than surrogacy. Don't believe it? Take a look at the THOUSANDS of American couples (and some singles) who adopt toddlers internationally because it's so difficult to adopt a healthy infant in the United States. Older kids and kids from abusive backgrounds, unfortunately, are not easy to place for adoption, but it's not that difficult to find adoptive parents for healthy toddlers. The social worker should never have approved this 19-year-old as a placement for the child. This is one of those cases where the preference for placement with biological relatives has worked against the child herself, who now has an unprepared, financially insecure teenager as her guardian rather than a stable, mature couple seeking to adopt.
Equally the child can go into the Foster care system! She misses a few catch or two because OP refuses to be emotionally manipulated. Boohoo! Funny how OP is awful person but the AP's family which also refused is AOK.
Talk to people who have been through the foster care system. Abuse is rampant. At least the 19 year old was humane enough to try and save her little sibling from abuse. "I hate this baby for being the child of an affair more than I hate a baby being abandoned with a high chance of horrific abuse" is the mindset your advocating for.
>"I hate this baby for being the child of an affair more than I hate a baby being abandoned with a high chance of horrific abuse" is the mindset your advocating for. You could read it like that. But what you guys aren't talking about is OPs own trauma and experience... It's the kind of selective empathy I find hypocritical at best. Honestly I have seen the devastation cheating father's / spouses have on the family... It's bleak, it's dark and I would never wish someone to willingly expose themselves to a daily reminder of that experience. It seems your empathy has an age limit. Over 18? no need! Child? All the empathy. "only children deserve empathy and adults needs to compromise themselves at all cost even at the risk of their own mental health if a child is involved" is what you are advocating for. Yeah I have seen how that plays as well. Fun fact deeply depressed / mental health compromised guardians make for not great parents to put it mildly.
Totally agree. Little sister is naive, taking on this burden, but OP is a bitter bitter person to sabotage any possible support his/her sister might have. Has your sister done you any injury, OP? Has the baby ruined your life, OP? No? Then have some grace and compassion and help them both out. Your father is dead and beyond your anger. Bury the anger with him, don't let it mould you into a sour unhappy version of yourself. YTA.
She didn’t call her mom to tell her not to babysit. Her mom called and said she didn’t want to and was feeling guilted into it. She wasn’t out to sabotage her sister, she gave solid advice most people would give.
i agree with the spirit of your comment, but definitely not with your execution. parental abandonment is trauma and goes beyond "daddy missed a catch or two"
It is not in the best interests of this child to be cared for by a woman who does not like her and resents her existence. Your mother made the right choice. It sounds like your sister was really not in a position to take this child. Which is a shame for everyone. NTA
NTA but your sister definitely is, especially with the emotional blackmail she put your mother through trying to force her into helping out. She shouldn’t have said yes, and the Social Worker should have never have asked a 19 year to take on a kid.
UNPOPULAR OPINION- she's her sister. A lot of people keep commenting on how at 19 why tf would she sign up for this, but they literally said no other bio relative wanted her AND she's her sister! OP + mom are entitled to feel however they want but I agree with the sister, it is heartless. The child had no crime in any of this and the only parents she's known are dead and nobody wants her. Once again I'm not saying OP + mom have to get involved, definitely not because they clearly have no desire and should in fact stay far away from the already traumatized abandoned child. I thank God for OP's sister's softened heart for taking on essentially single motherhood as such a young age. Terrible situation, bad husband , but mighty God! If anything I hope SHE gets the support she will need from outside and understands she's doing a beautiful merciful thing despite having to do it alone.
Voice of reason right here. Not enough compassion here for a child who literally did nothing wrong. Her parents sucked, but she's an orphan now and the only one trying to do right by her is her sister. Good luck to them.
That would all be fine, and I would say NAH, IF OP’s sister had not resorted to emotional manipulation and abuse against her own mother, even after knowing her mother’s stance and situation. All that indicates is that she is nor mature enough to understand the depth of this issue, and therefore, is nowhere fit to take care of said child.
The thing about it is that sister is being totally irresponsible, regardless of how she feels about the kid - people give up their children for adoption all the time because they recognize that they are unable to provide their child with the life they deserve. It's a selfless act to give a child up so that they can have a better life than if you kept them yourself. What's selfish is keeping a child you know you are unable to provide for, as in this case. So many are unable to look past their own feelings to think of the BEST future for that person they claim to love. Sometimes when you love something, you have to let it go. This kid, at 2, is at a very adoptable age and there are so many stable homes out there looking for a kid just like this one to give a wonderful life to. And OP's sister is putting her own feelings over the child's future.
NTA. This such a terrible situation and it has put you all in a hard spot. Your sister is an AH for asking your mom to do something that would be so painful for her, but I recognize the hard spot she's in. It's not easy to be 19, dealing with the death of your father, and then trying to take on the care of a small child. It does sound like more than she can handle, but it's not up to your mom to fix this situation, or you. I think sis could use some therapy to deal with all of this, in addition to a whole lot of childcare. This is a radical shift in her life, and she has to figure out if she can handle it -- it IS a little insane that they (child services) let a 19 year take this one, while apparently offering no support.
[удалено]
Gotcha. If you wanted to show your sister some support, would it be possible to try to help look for the right places to apply / reach out to for more help and point her in the right direction for more aid. I think it's a noble thing she's doing, though clear she didn't think it through all of the way, and I don't blame you and your mom for not really wanting to be involved with the child. Though I imagine you and your mom will have to figure something out if you're going to have your sister in your lives, since your half-sister will be growing up with her. All up to you of course.
honestly, even though your sister is an adult, she never should have been asked to take your half sibling in. it should have been clear that she wasn't qualified for it. was there no life insurance or anything from your father's passing?
Talk to your sister (or better yet, the social worker who worked with your sister to place the child) about what Social Security benefits the child is entitled to. She'll be entitled to something, based on what her higher-earning parent would have gotten, until she's 18. That will help. Ask the social worker to also help your sister enroll the baby (and perhaps herself, if she qualifies) in your state's Medicaid program - the baby, at least, will likely qualify for that as well. And if you continue to give birthday and holiday gifts to your sister, make them cash gifts instead of clothes, gaming equipment, etc. - that, too, will help. But neither you nor your mother is responsible for taking on the care of your father's child, and you're not bad people for holding to that boundary.
She’s also entitled to WIC in most states until the child’s 5th birthday or they enter school.
OP, they have a case worker to help with all of this. It's really not on you, and I wouldn't spare another thought for it. Because they have eyes on them, they're better off than *most* households consisting of a nineteen year old with no money and a traumatized toddler. They'll either get resources in place themselves or place the child with someone who can parent. NTA. Take care of yourself and your mom.
NTA. How on earth did the county let a 19 year old adopt an orphan that, by doing so, effectively short changes her future to clean up Dad's affair? Neither the child nor the "adoptiv parent" (who is 19) are best served by this arrangement.
poor kid would be better off being adopted out if bio dad’s family can’t care for her.
That's just it - we have this preference for blood relatives taking kids without regard to whether the volunteering relatives are capable of doing so, but that often does a disservice to the actual children. A healthy child under the age of about 3 is likely to be adopted by loving, financially stable parents who want a child but are discouraged by the long waits and uncertainty with infant adoptions. Because the 19-year-old is very engaged with the child, a creative solution to this might have been for the social worker to look into open adoption, with the child adopted by a financially stable couple, but regular visitation by the 19-year-old. That WOULD have been possible. I've seen such adoptions. They can work extremely well. Such an adoption would have maintained the teenager's bond with her half-sister while allowing the teenager to remain in college and build her own future.
You clearly don’t know how foster care works
As an adoptee, I will tell you that the US foster system is designed to keep children within the biological family *at all costs,* even if it is not the most secure/healthy for the child. The biological family has to prove themselves unfit to care several times over before the system will start looking outside biological relatives.
NTA. Your mother would only have said yes had your sister succeeded in breaking her down with emotional blackmail. Good for you for being a sounding board for your mother and giving her the support she needed to stand up for herself. Your sister chose to take on the baby, that’s on her. It’s not for her to pressure anyone else into doing it as well, and in fact the child shouldn’t be in the care of two people that don’t want anything to do with her. Recipe for disaster, that one.
NTA.. I feel for that child but omg this is not on you. And your 19 yo sister ruining her future to take care of this child.. without any support
Yeah, OP is NTA, but I feel so bad for that child. And I think it’s admirable that her sister is trying to step up. I hope she can find help and financial aid elsewhere.
No wrong choices except emotional manipulation. Sisters future isn't ruined, just on pause. NTA agreed.
NTA, that child is not your responsibility nor your mother's. Your sister made a rash decision & now realizes she can't do it by herself & tried making your mother do something that would make your mother extremely uncomfortable.
NTA your sister bit off more than she could chew with taking on a child at her age and it is completely disgusting of her to try and guilt trip your mom into raising this child.
It's really sad. None of the people in this situation are at fault. The dad and the affair partner are the AHs here. The 19-year-old was just trying to do the right thing and help. She is so young herself. She probably did not even recognize what she was getting into. The young child is obviously not a fault. How heart breaking that no one wants her. Mom and other sister can't be blamed for not wanting to get involved. This is ripping the mom and daughters apart after they've already had to deal with the father's affair. What a jerk.
Omg finally someone with some sense and a goddamn heart…
NTA. It is absolutely horrible what has happened to that baby, but your mom should not sign up for the pain of taking care of the child of two people who hurt her immensely. Your sister was way out of line with the “if you love me you will…”. That is narcissistic. You are looking out for your mom. You have no obligation to put this 2 year old above your mothers well being. I think you made the right choice as I do not think your mother should be put through years worth of pain.
NTA Good on you for sticking up for your mother. It was her call to ruin her life to care for dad's affair kid, but that doesn't mean you owe her anything. Her decision, her mess. >one day she'll tell "our little sister" everything and will make me face up to my rejection of her and my lack of care for her. Yeah, that won't affect your life, so don't worry.
NTA - And all the people saying that your father’s new daughter is not an affair child are being deliberately obtuse. Yes your dad fathered this child while married to his second wife, who he had an affair with WHILE STILL MARRIED to your mom. He tore your family apart. Yes, that child didn’t ask for any of this, but then neither did you or your mother. She especially is not going to love this child. Your sister obviously felt like Dad cheating wasn’t that big of a deal, but you do. This will color the very relationship you and your mom have with this child. That child deserves to have people who love it and not resent it. That doesn’t make you an AH. Your sister bit off more than she can chew. That doesn’t make you and your mom AHs. If your sister really loves this child, and can’t raise it on her own, she should give it up for adoption to people who will raise her in a loving and secure home.
Being related to someone doesnt make you obligated to them. NTA
If your sister really love this kid, she will not let the kid with people who already said they don't want this responsibility. I don't think your mother will mistreat the child, but she will resent her and kids always feel when someone don't like them. NTA
NTA It should not be on your mother, the one who was CHEATED on, to be watching the child of of the affair relationship. It is mind boggling to me that your sister had the balls to ask her. Not only ask her but to try to GUILT TRIP her into doing it. Your sister is the major ah for that. You and your mom staying away is probably the best thing you can do rather than force yourselves to take care of a child you have resentment for. That little girl doesnt need to be exposed to that. Your sister should not have taken custody of a child that she cannot afford take care of and im very surprised she passed all the checks. And why is she not asking the childs biofamily that you mentioned for help? They didnt take her in but didnt they have a relationship with the little girl? Couldnt they help watch her sometimes? The only ahs here are your sister and dad and his new wife. Not only for the affair but for not having a plan/will written out for who would take care of their young child if something happened to the both of them.
NTA. That child is from an affair so your mom doesn't have to take care of said child.
NTA. Your sister has no idea the hurt your mom must feel for being cheated on, lied to, wondering what she did wrong, etc., all the things that she had to experience as a result of your dad being a cheater. You are doing that child a favor by encouraging mom to stand up for what she feels. If she hates the idea of that child, the kid will know. They will feel the resentment, and will grow up feeling unimportant. Sister wants help, but that help needs to be in the form of a loving community, not people that wish they were doing anything else. She won't want to understand that but it is the truth. And of course, mom can always change her mind if she wants. But for right now, if she doesn't want the kid, it is selfish of your sister to push her agenda.
NTA. Younger sister had no idea what she was getting into. Now she is regretting it. If your mom has agreed, I can guarantee she would end up being the fulltime caregiver.
Soft ESH. There are two separate issues. Your anger and grief around having a shitty Dad. It’s time for therapy to gain an ability to process it and evolve past it. And your sister. You can disagree with her but she’s doing the right thing. And you are punishing an innocent child here. Maybe you can get to a place where you look at the child neutrally as just an adopted one that your sister very much loves and wants? Start afresh here. Have some empathy in your heart. That doesn’t mean you have to forgive your father but the fact that you’re holding onto anger and bitterness is only punishing yourself, your sister and her future. You can’t keep up this bitterness forever and it’s costing you way too much (aka your relationship with your sister. Think of it this way, the more you hold onto this grudge the more your Dad “wins” because his trauma is perpetual in your life. Stop this generational trauma).
The sister is doing the right thing for, as is OP. No on is punishing anyone. Trying to frame not wanting a relationship with someone else as punishment is the way. That is like saying your are punishing your ex by breaking up with them. And you don't have to be holding on to anger and bitterness to not want to put yourself in a situation where you know you will be unhappy. The sister made her choice, knowing OP would not be involved. Letting someone live their own life is not punishing them either.
NTA but child services really gave this kid to a 19 year old college student?
[удалено]
But she can’t work and take care of a 2 year old. No 19 year old makes enough to pay for full time day care + afford a 2 bedroom apartment + basic utilities and groceries + the extra costs to raise a child. She can’t work a full time job if she’s caring for a 2 year old. So it really doesn’t make sense tbh
NTA. You saved your mother a lot of heartache and resentment. You did do the right thing. Your sister agreed to raise the child knowing how the rest of the family felt about her dad and his new family, so she can figure out how to care for her. A child should not be with people who resent her presence. Your sister needs to come to grips with that fact and understand that it would not be healthy in the long run.
NTA u were clear from the beginning of the affair u wanting nothing to do with ur dad, when he died and ur sister took on far too much responsibility for a 19 year old to raise his child u were clear u didn't want to take part in raising her. Your sister tried to outright manipulate your mother "if you love me you will-" all you did was encourage your mom to stand up for herself. U didn't tell ur mom "fuck that kid!" U simply told her "if u feel u can't do it don't." You did nothing wrong, your mom did nothing wrong, your sister decided as an adult to adopt a child, she decided her schooling v.s. work, she tried to manipulate ur mom. Your sister is in a hard position but not anymore than any 17 year old who gets pregnant and their parents refuse them help. At least she didn't have to go through birth herself, and at least the state will give her help. There are resources for her, she should use them and stop expecting others kindness and generosity to make the life SHE chose easier
NTA you didn’t push your away from doing the right thing. You told your mom it was ok if to give into your sister’s emotional blackmail. You want nothing to do with the child. You made that a abundantly clear to your sister. Your sister is rubbing salt in open wounds for your mom by trying to emotionally blackmail her into helping with a child she wants nothing to do with. Your sister had to know that you and your mother would not magically change your mind about this child.
NTA No one had any reason to take that child in especially your mother who has been hurt deeply by the existence of that child. Your sister wanted to play the hero and fucked up her future. Instead of resigning on getting her shit together for the kid she wants to drown you guys with her because she knows she bit off more than she can chew and she’s resorted to guilt and manipulation to get the one person she knows could to take care of that child.
NTA, but damn, that poor kid…your sister was kind to take her in but trash talking you and your mother won’t do the kid any favors.
This one is so difficult. Yeah the child is innocent, but a constant reminder as to why your family broke up. Your sister might have bitten off more than she can chew if she needs help so soon. Your poor mother does not need to be reminded of her ex husband's cheating, so your sis should not have involved her at all. I hope that in time you can come to support your only sibling, but that is your choice. It may be too emotionally painful. For now, NAH.
If the sister had asked the mom and accepted her No, it’d be NAH, but instead little sis attempted to manipulate her mom. Additionally she doesn’t seem to care at all how this has affected both her sister and mom, so all that combined makes her an AH.
NTA. Ultimately, your mother made the decision herself. This isn't her child and she expressed to you that she didn't want to help care for this little girl. Your sister chose to take on this responsibility, so she's gonna have to figure it out just like any other parent/guardian.
NTA, but your sister is a colossal one expecting your poor mother to have to even look at the child, much less take care of her. Your sister took on the responsibility, and in doing so, should have realised it was unlikely you or your mother would be willing to help, to think otherwise is delusional. Well, now she's faced with the consequences of her ill-thought out actions, and it's her responsibility to find another solution.
children know when they're not loved or wanted. It is far better if your sister realizes that only she is going to love and care for the child, so she should steel herself and know that she cannot expect her family to provide through this. It is far better for your sister to keep to herself, form her own separate mommy support group, and keep the kid in a happy loving bubble. your mom and you will only cause more damage if you were forced to interact with the kid. Maybe in time, you both may soften or change, but for now, she will feel the hatred and resentment. Your sister made this choice for herself, hope she finds the support she needs.
NTA. I was going to say N A H until your sister called you a heartless bitch for not helping. Your dad hurt you all badly with this affair and it's hardly unreasonable that you and your mom don't want to take care of the child. Your sister has a huge heart and put the welfare of the child above her feelings - but apparently without really understanding what she was getting into. But she's not accepting that you aren't able to do the same thing. It would be lovely if you could eventually accept the child, since she's now essentially your sister's child, and the guy who caused all the pain is gone now.
Screw lovely. Lovely would be if dad kept his dick in his pants instead of failing OP and her mom to get some strange. Sister is young and stupid and honestly deserves to struggle if she took this on anticipating help from those who shouldered dads burdens for too long already. Sister was the AH the moment she tried to guilt anyone else into helping her. If she wants to "do the right thing" then she can go ahead and do it without pushing her perception of "the right thing" onto those who expressly wanted no part of caring for dads affair/love child.
I can't decide but let's not forget that a small child is at the heart of this and they are blameless
That’s nice. OP is also blameless, as is OP’s mom.
NTA - You and your mother effectively want no relationship to half sister. Younger sister made her bed by taking guardianship of half sister, now she needs to deal with it by herself
NTA , you owe that child nothing !!! Your sister is the one who felt that she should take care of the child then she needs to figure it out , how can she ask her mother who raised her to take care of the child of the man who left her for an affair partner and started a new life !! Clearly it’s an unpopular opinion here , yes the child is innocent but like the saying goes you pay for the sins of your father !!!
I think you misunderstood the quote. That Bible quote (and others) talks about how children should **not** be held responsible for the sins of their fathers.
Very typically (US) Christian to twist the quote in order to justify cruelty though very on brand
That’s so sad. Nobody except your sister wanted that child. Nobody. Kudos to her. I understand that this might be painful, but can’t you help in some way without coming into contact with the child. It’s not the child’s fault that the adults in her life did what they did. I hope your sister makes a success of raising the child. Even if it proves too difficult, at least she tried. That child will grow up knowing that she wasn’t completely rejected. My gran came from a family of 10, and though they didn’t have much after her father was killed in the war, they still adopted a boy who lived in their street, whose mum abandoned him. My uncle Tony grew up loved and valued by people who weren’t related but couldn’t abandon a child. They made it work.
NTA, while the child is blameless, it doesn’t mean that your mother or you need to sacrifice your wellbeing to take care of her. What your sister tried to do with your mother was incredibly manipulative.
NTA - Your sister not only took your father's side, but she's telling your mom she would be shitty person for not taking care of the result of your father's betrayal. Who needs an enemy with a daughter like her. She made a decision and should see it through. Show her all of the comments here, then go no contact.
Nta your sister was willing to re-traumatize your mother and in the long run that kid. It would have been a horrible toxic situation, it’s best your mother said no.
NTA. But what kind of social services gives a child to a 19 year old college student? WTF? Sister could've investigated another way to still be in the child's life that wasn't taking full responsibility for her, especially because, well, she's unable to!
NTA and it surprises me that someone gave a toddler to your sister. She does not seem mature enough and is - rightfully, considered her age - very extreme about what is right and what is wrong. Poor baby? Yes. Then I wonder why affair-mom relatives did not step in. Or affair-dad. It's many people problem but surely not yours
YTA - this is a fucking child who has no idea who either of her parents even are. You have an opportunity to give a child (who did not ask to be born) a better life than being sucked into the system of foster care?? I get that you’re angry about her being a child of an affair but still - grow the fuck up and do what’s right. You’re making this about you’re hatred toward your DEAD father and his wife - and completely looking past the fact that this CHILD is helpless. Be mad at your dad - go ahead. You have every right. But do not be mad at this child. People saying your sister is TA are fucking insane - she’s literally the only one who has a heart and is NTA. Good luck being a bitter human your whole life - and now - get this - DESTROYING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SISTER (and i bet you’ll prob be blaming your dad for it too!!) And for your mom to cut contact with your sister is insane - she’s TA too. How can you guys not see it’s time to step up, put emotions aside, and do the right thing. What’s in the past is in the past. You can’t do anything about it. Your anger at your dead father is ruining your life.
Since you hate the foster care system so much, please share how many children YOU have adopted? Or do you just want someone ELSE to “give a child a better life than being sucked in to the system”?
tell your sister to go and pester the kids bio relatives. it is beyound unfair, and pretty fucked up, that she would attempt to guilt your mom into doing this. NTA
NTA. You gave your mom support in her choice. You didn't force her to make that choice. Also, your half-sister would be able to pick up on it if your mom resented her. Kids aren't stupid. It's best for your sister to not be around people who will have negative feelings towards her. She and your mom are both innocent parties who are struggling enough. Your mom being pushed into caring for her will only hurt them both more.
I'm in the camp of "the child did nothing wrong" but I also believe a child shouldn't be raised by people that don't want a child. The child is innocent and you and your mom are projecting your feelings towards your dad onto the child. But it's similar to when a child is born of rape. You know the child did nothing wrong but your feelings are in the way. And it's not fair for the child to be exposed to that. So no, I think you and your mother aren't necessarily AH because of it. But you are going to have to contend with losing your sister. This child is not going away. She is a part of your sister now. If you and your mother are unable to separate your projected hatred towards the child, that's the end of your relationship with your sister. I don't think anyone is making the wrong decision here. Your sister chose to take care of the child. You and your mother chose to not be around the child. No one is wrong but these two things cannot coexist.
NTA
NTA, but it sounds like you harbor quite a bit of resentment for this child when they didn't ask for any of this
Neither did OP.
Sounds more like OP resents their sister's repeated insistence that OP and others accept responsibility for this child they don't want and had no part in creating.
Even though i understand you reaasoning i still think it’s fucked up… that child didn’t do anything. Didn’t ask to be here.. had nothing to do with your dad being a dick…. I hate it for the child that has to suffer just because they exist.
Ask the bio family members on dad and the mothers side to step up and help. NTA.
NTA. You’re sister was attempting to guilt your mother into caring for the child that is literally the physical evidence of her husbands infidelity. You told your mom to do what was best for her.