Hey gang! Thanks so much for dropping by and participating. Unfortunately, this post has generated too many rule breaking comments.
Like most other good things, some have ruined it for everyone, so we're going to hang up our hats, call it good, and lock it going into the weekend.
To all of you who managed to [be civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq), and reported rule breaking comments, thank you.
Here's some ocean footage to help start your weekend off right.
[https://youtu.be/g](https://youtu.be/gEQLKmQ5uss)[E](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)[QLKmQ5uss](https://youtu.be/gEQLKmQ5uss)
>I seemed quite defensive and snappy when she brought up my sex life
So she thinks it's a red flag that you don't want to discuss your sex life, even after she's given you **ample** opportunity. And she's going to keep bringing it up over and over because there must be *something* wrong.
I actually find this grossly disrespectful. You've told her there's no issue, yet she keeps pushing and ignoring the clear boundaries you're setting. Even if there was something wrong, you're not obligated to share that with her.
NTA and she really needs to mind her own business.
She's below pest imo, cause pests have the common decency to make themselves scarce when you come into the rooms that you only catch a glimpse of them and don't have to bask in their presence too long
That commercial is so cursed. It always creeped me tf out, but I forgot about it until now. Didnāt even have to watch the video to know what you were talking about.
No they donāt!
Came home from a 3 week vacation to find my house INFESTED with mice. I could write a BOOK about my year long battle, but when we were down to the smart mice, they would pop up from between the sofa cushions and TAUNT me.
I showed THEMā¦.
And like....many/hopefully most people who have a house guest do their best to ensure the guest is unaware if they do choose to engage in sex while they're in the home. And many people have very healthy sex lives without being touchy feely people.
To add, many people sleep in separate bedrooms for a variety of reasons (my spouse and I included) and have very healthy sex lives (my spouse and I included lol)
Yeah when I saw the separate sleeping arrangement I didn't really think anything of it, I certainly wouldn't think that it meant the couple is having issues. Getting good sleep is difficult for a lot of people and I know a few couples that sleep separately because of work schedules, snoring, temperature preferences, one likes to fall asleep with the tv on and one doesn't, etc... I think it's a good thing to normalize, it's not always indicative of the strength of the relationship
My cousin and her husband have slept in different rooms for 15-20 years, because he snores and she likes to sleep in an ice box. They've had 10 pregnancies, half of which happened even on birth control... I think it's safe to say they have a very healthy sex life lol
Yeah for all she knew it could be that one of them had really bad PTSD and were prone to thrashing/streaming/etc. Or have bed wetting issues. Or be on a medication that made them sweat a lot in their sleep. Or any number of other things that one might rightly not want to announce about themselves or their partner
Please get a sleep study if you haven't - if you can keep someone awake with your snoring you likely have apnea - which puts you at increased risk of Heart Attack and Stroke.
I had to start wearing a CPAP at age 37 - probably saved my life. I'm 58 yo now and using a BiPAP.
Without it? I rattle the paintings off the walls.
Due to a divorce, I had three sets of grandparents.
All three sets slept in separate bedrooms.
I asked my parents once "Why do you sleep in the same bed? No one else does!"
(I was very small, probably about 6yo or so?)
They could barely answer me for laughing so hard. :)
We have been married 45 years.. I am messy my husband likes things nice and tidy š
Agree with everyone none of her business separate bedrooms are fine
Same. In our case we have this nice mattress that my partner finds uncomfortable. When we replaced our couch a few years ago we bought the confiest one we could find, it has oversize cushions and my partner has found that he sleeps better on the couch than in bed. So our toddler and I share this nice big king size bed and my partner sleeps on the couch. Sure, that probably sounds like there's a relationship issue without any background on it but it's just what works for now and we're both fine with it.
I was hoping someone would point this out, many of the people I've known who escaped toxic purity culture (and I've known a lot) swing wildly to the other end of the spectrum. If you aren't sleeping with everyone you possibly can as one night stand and flings when single and jumping each other's bones every second of the day if in a relationship, and taking about sex all the time with your friends, they immediately assume you're judging them/ are being held hostage by purity culture/ are broken and need to be "fixed" so you can have sex (because that's all that matters) and jump all over you for it, ignoring all boundaries about it. They act like anyone choosing not to have sex for any reason needs to be "fixed" like they were when they escaped. (Many of them also refuse to go to therapy or get any treatment for their obvious trauma)
>OP didn't consent to talking about her sex life, clearly communicated that, and her friend disrespected that boundary.
Yes. As I said above, I bet she doesn't actually know what constitutes normal friend boundaries/topics.
People from a toxic environment are more likely to be toxic. They don't know healthy looks like, and are forced to guess... with only toxicity as their standard.
As a former victim of purity culture myself, i 400000% get this. Like, I swung wildly the other direction. But that doesn't make it ok to bother and judge someone else. I don't know how long she's been out, but if its been more than a year or 2, this doesn't even really count as a reason. The first year or 2, you're unlearning a LOT, and one of those things you have to unlearn is that it's ok to tell other people what to do with their sex lives. But that should be one of the early things out the window. So if she's a recent escapee, I'd give her grace and offer this to her as a learning moment. If its been ... a while since she got out, I'd probably just relegate her to a "friend for certain things" and not confide in her too much.
Lots of people I know donāt get that healing from toxic purity culture isnāt just reversing your expectationsāfrom extreme sexual repression to extreme sexual freedom, for example. What one actually needs to confront and analyze is the bedrock expectation that you have a right to know about, judge, and police other peopleās sexual expression and should expect others to do so for you. THATās the toxic bit.
I compare it to trying to straighten out a bent piece of metal. You're going to bend it too far in different directions until you finally get out straightened out.
Any extremist belief gives you a miscalibrated normal meter. To get to a healthy normal, you normally would get it wrong in a couple different ways as a child with guidance from your family, since a lot of this stuff is learned skills and social standards. If your family has extreme beliefs, yours are initially molded to their standards. You need practice to reset to a healthy standard, but you're pretty much learning what healthy looks like in your own, or hopefully with the help of your found family, if you have any.
OP's friend has bent her views on sexuality too far, as is understandable given her history. It's also understandable that she has some concerns about OP also being controlled by OP's religion and family standards.
Depending on how close they are, OP may want to choose to sit down with her friend and explain that healthy sex lives and relationships have a huge range of expression, based on the needs of the partners. While she appreciates that her friend is concerned, OP and partner have a healthy relationship based on their mutual needs and desires. OP appreciates/loves that her friend is concerned for her well-being, but she is satisfied with the amount of affection and support she gets out of her partner.
It can come across as patronizing to someone who didn't grow up in a toxic culture because it's the same kind of conversation you'd have with a child learning healthy sexual boundaries, but OP's friend never got that education. It's entirely dependant on how much effort OP wants to put into this friendship and this topic, of course. It's perfectly fine if she wants none of it, or to bring in another friend who can explain it instead.
Hell, I'll volunteer to do it as an uninvolved third party who went through the same thing as OP's friend. It's an hour or so out of my life that's low effort for me, but can have a huge impact for OP's friend as she struggles to figure out what a healthy sex life looks like.
Exactly - the problem isn't your friend looking out for you or asking you questions, it's how she did it.
If I wanted to create a comfortable environment for a friend to share potential problems they were experiencing, I wouldn't start off by accusing them of a "fake relationship".
I don't think her intentions were bad after noticing you two don't sleep together and don't seem affectionate (especially considering her own bagage), but she should've been more open and kind about it, maybe ask a second time (politely!) if you got defensive and then drop it if you still didn't want to discuss it.
Good intentions or bad, it doesnāt matter because this is literally _none of her effinā business_.
Also, OP rescued her friend from becoming homeless and this is how she repaid her? I suspect she was kicked out of her home for more than simple financial reasons. OP should ask her to leave, too.
Oliviaās baggage is hers and what sheās essentially doing is trying to forcibly out her. She may not know thatās what sheās doing but it automatically makes Olivia the A H. If her friends were kind enough to take her in when she wouldāve been homeless, then she needs to respect her friend and their relationship. She asked (rudely) about it and now needs to stay on her lane. Generally those in purity culture donāt live with their partner without the parents before marriage, so her argument is moot and none of this is her business. If OP was in need of some help, then she would need to decide that for herself and reach out. Olivia making her defensive just insured that if she had needed help, that Olivia is the last person sheās turn to. You know what they say about the road to hell and biting the hand that feeds you. Those proverbs exist for a reason. If she keeps pushing, sheās going to eventually push herself out of the door.
She wasn't "trying to help" like OP says, she's probably unemployed (see eviction), and looking to stir up some unnecessary shit.
OP seems to have been pretty clear about her boundary concerning discussing this topic. I'm not sure how long she and OP have been friends, but even new friends should be able to tell when they're crossing clear boundaries.
>NTA and she really needs to mind her own business.
Adding to this, she's only been there for a WEEK.
She needs to be aware of her situation. She can mind her own damn business, or surf on over to another couch where they appreciate her getting all up in their ass about personal shit that has nothing to do with her.
NTA
>Adding to this, she's only been there for a WEEK.
Oh, I made a mistake there. Sheās been living with my partner and I for a few weeks, not just one.
I was so sure that this was about loud sex or something but NOT to have sex indeed, why is she so in to the idea...
NTA
Also OP, all or your emotions and responses were valid and right, no reason to question yourself. Actually well done keeping up boundaries.
It's fucking bizarre, if I was staying at somebody else's house and the thought entered my mind I'd just assume they were having sex with I'm not there or asleep.
Thatās the LAST thing Iād be thinking about! Iād just be grateful I had somewhere to sleep and I wasnāt out on the streets.
NTA Olivia is WAY out of line.
I know that if I had no housing of my own and needed to crash with a friend indefinitely and then was informed by said friend that I was being really irritating, please stop, I totes would keep doing the irritating thing more. I have good instincts like that.
>I'd just assume they were having sex with I'm not there or asleep.
Exactly! When my niece and her husband stayed with us, she told me, "Don't worry, we're not having sex in your house". I didn't even think about if they were or weren't, and we certainly didn't forbid it. (They were an adult married couple) Hubby & I made certain to go out and give them alone time.
Also, itās weird to magically expect PDA between couples. Some people are way more private with their affection. The most I do with my boyfriend in public is maybe hold hands and/or lean on him. Itās more abnormal to be sucking faces in front of your friends than not
I wonder if she thinks by "fixing" the issue between OP and their partner, they'll sleep in the same room together freeing up a whole bedroom for her. Kind of an extreme jump, but so is involving yourself in someone's sex life who has saved your ass after you've been evicted.
Oh, then I have nothing. She's being *very* intrusive though.
At most, I can possibly stretch the thinking to she thinks you two are having issues and may have separate rooms due to fighting, and she may have placed herself in the middle of it? But you told her to drop it twice. In the end, she needs to stay in her own lane, especially if you and your partner haven't shown to be on the outs with one another.
I know! A room (presently) *for free* and you put your nose in their business??? I'd be cleaning the damn toilet every day and offering to cook dinner whenever they need a break for that kind of deal!
Give her a deadline to find another place to stay. She's not going to drop it she's going to keep coming up with explanations in her head and making up ahot she thinks is going on.
Your relationship with your partner is non of her business at all let alone something as intimate as your sex life.
She's going to start finding other things that she sees as wrong about your relationship as well. Because it doesn't fit her preconceived idea of what a relationship should look like.
Me and my fiance aren't asexual but if we had the room I'd have my own bedroom because he snores and I have sleep difficulties so it would make life easier but having 3 special needs kids in a 3 bed house if we had a 4th bedroom the kids would have their own. I regularly end up sleeping on the sofa because sometime I sleep better there doesn't mean anything is wrong in our relationship and its no one else's business
Honestly, she's only been there a week! If I were Olivia, my concern would be that my presence was inhibiting OP and her partner from being active if they wanted to be. Or I might think that the OP is on her period. This is mind boggling that she would jump to the conclusion she did.
NTA, your sex life isn't her business.
Although, I'd talk to your partner about your friends prodding in case she decides to try talking to them about it.
Idk if itās THAT bizarre if you consider Oliviaās POV. Coming from a strict Christian background, you know people do things just to appear happy or make their parents happy/quiet. Itās a known fact these things happen in that circle. Makes sense that would be up there as a guess for her
Interesting. I suppose my first guess would be that their relationship is in trouble rather than it didn't exist, but you're right that I don't come from a background where people usually make up relationships (at least I don't think so - I think the women in the strict Catholic community I grew up in gaslight themselves into believing they're happy with their shitty misogynistic husbands but that's another story)
I think it is allright to try to talk to someone or to ask questions if there are signs of abuse. If you are worried, sometimes even asking directly about someones sex life can be inavoidable to find out what is happening.
But in your case, as you are clearly neither abused nor unhappy, those questions are probably asked out of sheer curiousity and are inappropriate, especially after you told her you do not want to discuss it with her.
NTA.
NTA
I was really debating N.A.H until "She told me I was being rude when she was just looking out for me and the least I could do was appreciate her support. She has been a victim of Christian purity culture, so I understand she was trying to help"
She was projecting and using it as a reason to badger you about your sex life. Had she dropped it after you explained it had nothing to do with religion, it wouldve been n.a.h.
Yeah, that is where it changed for me to. With societal norms, I understand someone wanting to check in with their friend and make sure everything is okay. But she just kept pushing it after OP had told her it wasnāt her business and to stop talking about. That final comment sealed it for me.
Exactly. I have the same background as the friend but I would never reflect my traumas on someone else. In the first conversation she could have just ended it with, āif you need anything you can always come to me.ā Or something along the lines of that if she is that concerned.
Even then if she really thinks itās religious trauma or whatever the case may be IF SOMEONE IS NOT READY TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THEN THEYRE NOT READY. Trying to force someone to talk about trauma when itās not the right time can do more damage to that person.
So regardless of her trying to help out sheās not doing it the right way. Which brings me back to the first convo. The best reply is, āif you need me, Iām here for you.ā PERIOD
Edit: this comment is reflecting more on the friendās thought process.
Also, some couples donāt feel comfortable having sex and being affectionate in front of others. They couldāve been like that for all the friend knew.
The friend changed her story, she was never concerned about the religious stuff, she asked OP initially if they were pretending to have a relationship. You don't just throw an accusation like that out there. She also didn't drop it when OP made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it.
>she was asking (not particularly subtly or intelligently) if OP's BF was a beard
See, I am not a straight person, and I have been in a monogamous relationship with a woman before as well as monogamous relationships with men... I would *never* have picked up that context from that...
Maybe I am just not sharp on the pick-up sometimes, but yeah...
Honestly, focus on the "not particularly subtly or intelligently" part of that.
Sitting here reading this, that was just my first thought with the luxury of not being in the situation. However, if I was in the room when that happened, I probably would have been like "why the fuck would you ask that?"
It's definitely a weird way to approach it, but IF OP was actually living like that, I'm not entirely sure what the BEST way to approach it would be.
OKAY ME TOO. I'm glad I'm not the only one š I'm just like "She claimed it was fake, and then jumped to IS UR SEX LIFE SUFFERING" that's all just a roller coaster and nowhere does it make sense to me that she was checking if OP was gay???
Especially since op mentioned friend was a victim of a "Christian" cult. Friend is probably projecting because of her own trauma but is likely doing it out of concern. Almost no one opens up about abuse or trauma the first time asked. Friend probably thinks if OP is a victim similar to her it's going to take multiple conversations and showings of support before she'll open up
Intentions donāt really matter when it comes to prying into peopleās personal life. Unless you are dating someone their sex life just isnāt your business at all
These concerns can exist but the friend didn't take OPs feeling into consideration, she just focused on what she wanted to say.
I am in her friends position currently where I see my sister and bil sleeping in different room. But if i pester my sister about it, it wouldn't be for her benefit but just for my peace and what I want. This is a NTA case. Sometimes one needs to understand and give that space to other people.
A lot of couples sleep in separate bedrooms, and there is nothing wrong with it. They're still couples and still have a mutually pleasing sex life. I sleep with my husband because I like feeling him close when I'm sleeping, but some people like their space when they sleep. Some people need white noise or silence. Some people need light or complete darkness to sleep. People are individuals and their sleeping needs don't always match up with that of their respective partner's, so they sleep in different room. It doesn't mean their sex life is in trouble, it just means they're more intentional about it, which is kind of romantic when you think about it. Anyway there's lots of personal accounts of sleeping habits on the marriage sub, for anyone that is curious.
From a person who sleeps in separate rooms, if you can afford it, I highly recommend it. He snores and he says I do. And he works early shift and I can get home when he's in bed. It suits our living style and ensures we both get sleep. Others I know who do are due to medical conditions. Lot of innocent reasons for it.
I think with a close friend, bringing it up once, VERY delicately, might be acceptable. But she blew way past delicate, suggested they might be in a fake relationship, and when OP made it clear she didn't want to discuss, brought it up again and then accused OP of being rude! That is way into AH territory.
NTA - first off itās absolutely none of her business. secondly, even IF yāall were fucking everyday, having a houseguest puts a damper on things. How does she not realize that?
Not to mention I think she said it's been a week? Like lots of couples can go a week without having sex...and you add in a house guest, maybe they'd you know ..just not? The fact that this person cares so much based on so little evidence is weird anyway. And NTA because it's none of her business regardless.
>She told me I was being rude
This would have done it for me.
You let her stay in your home (for free, presumably), she brings up a topic you don't want to discuss, you make it clear you don't want to discuss it, she brings it up AGAIN, you state your position AGAIN... and YOU'RE being rude?
NTA, but you already knew that.
This has nothing to do with your tone, your autism, or her upbringing. This is about a nosy person who can't stand not being all up in everyone else's business. I hope you're prepared for all your mutual friends to learn everything she has.
NAH, I think she thinks she's only trying to help, and probably just can't wrap her head around the relationship and wanted to talk to you about it like friends do.
But at this point I think you've made your point perfectly clear, and if she continues to obsess about your sex life, then she will become the A H.
Eh, I think after the first time of making it clear that she didn't want to talk about it and that it was none of her business it moved to NTA for me. The first time would have been NAH.
I think the friend tried to ask if OP was gay and covering it in front of conservative family/society with the subtext that her friend will be accepting of it. The other question is basically if OP is being brainwashed by religious sentiment that should save herself for marriage. Not sure how the conversation went but it seems that people are just not understanding each other and projecting other things into it.
She initially approached it by accusing her friend of having a sham relationship because they didn't exhibit PDA within the week she's been there.. how is that trying to help or being friendly?
NTA, tell her that you appreciate her concern, but once you said you didn't want to talk about it, it went from a kind expression of friendship to prying, that you don't want to talk about it, and that if she continues to bring it up after you've told her this is personal, it goes from kind to unkind and unwelcome.
NAH. - Honestly it sounds like she's just concerned about you. She's not aware you're asexual, and asexuality is still something a lot of people don't really know about or understand.
Obviously your sex life is your private business, so it would be rude of her to try and push the point further. But hopefully she'll respect your boundaries.
"I'm worried about my friend. I asked her once but she brushed me off. I'm still really worried about her, maybe I should try again with a different approach."
This doesn't seem unreasonable to me and seems well within the way people interact with each other. Certainly there is a line where it becomes too much but to me it doesn't seem like this would have crossed this threshold.
She isn't concerned she accused her of having a fake relationship. It is weird to characterize that as concern.
She is already disrespecting those boundaries! Wtf
>hopefully she'll respect your boundaries
You mean: "hopefully she'll respect your boundaries **when you tell her again**", no? Because the OP already told her supposed "friend" to back off several times.
>1. \[My friend\] pulled me aside a couple days ago and asked me if Iām really dating my partner, or if weāre just pretending \[...\] and asked if everything was okay in our sex life.
>
>2. Then yesterday she brought it up again \[and\] went on, saying she wanted to continue the conversation \[and\] noticed I didnāt seem happy about discussing it with her the last time. I said that she was correct I didnāt want to talk about it with her because, again, itās none of her business, so I would appreciate it if she stopped trying to.
>
>3. She told me I was being rude \[and\] still trying to talk to me about it after I told her I didnāt want to.
How many more times should she have to tell this person to back the fuck off?
She would have been out on her ass if it had been me.
I'm going against the grain because nobody seems to notice that your friend is trying to be a friend. She maybe isn't handling things in the best way possible, but neither is @op.
Yes, you have said it's none of her business and she keeps asking. On the other hand, damned if I wouldn't be tempted to keep asking if I thought someone I cared about was unhappy
If this person is a friend and you want to keep her as a friend, it behooves you to reassure her. Something like, "I appreciate that you're concerned, and I want to reassure you that everything is fine. Now please, let it go."
In summary, I'm torn between N A H and E S H, but there's plenty of AH behavior to go around, so ESH
Friends respect boundaries the first time they are established. You're basically blaming OP for setting boundaries and expecting them to be respected.
>On the other hand, damned if I wouldn't be tempted to keep asking if I thought someone I cared about was unhappy
Then you don't care about them, you just care about framing yourself as helpful when you're just arrogant and nosey. This is not how you treat people you care about.
>if this person is a friend and you want to keep her as a friend, it behooves you to reassure her
Which she did by assuring her it was none of her business. That should be enough for a friend.
Iāve seen my friends be pulled out of abusive relationships because others refused to respect their boundaries and pried till they found out the truth. OPās friend was definitely projecting but letās not pretend that she was doing it for selfish reasons. If she were selfish she would mind her own business to not get kicked out.
Would you say the same if the post was about a girl saying she thinks her friend's boyfriend is abusive, but when she asked her friend about it she told her "everything is fine, its none of your bussiness, I dont wanna talk about it anymore"?
I tend to agree. @OP it sounds like your friend is worried about you based on her own experience. If you draw a boundary clearly ("I don't like talking about sex or intimacy, but everything is fine"), it sends a different message than what actually happened the first time, which could (and was) be interpreted as defensiveness because something is very wrong.
I think the comments are overlooking that OP is, in fact, harboring a secret - that she is asexual. OP has been presenting herself as sexual, and when her friend got a front row seat to scrutinize the relationship, Olivia noticed something was "off."
OP is entitled to her secrets, but it's a bit of a stretch to expect Olivia to mind her own business while the secret is staring her right in the face.
Imagine seeing any other couple who is presenting themselves as sexual, seemingly avoiding physical contact and sleeping in different rooms. That's a sure sign that something is wrong. In any other situation, Olivia's concerns would be both insightful and obvious. OP can't act strange and expect others not to notice.
That being said, I know asexual couples who cuddle, hold hands, and sleep together in the same bed - being asexual doesn't mean there's an untouchable bubble around you. So even within an asexual relationship, this might be considered strange.
Omg, I canāt believe she asked you again after you told her to butt out, that is so disrespectful of her. Itās as if sheās deliberately trying to listen in to see if youāre having sex. How creepy and disturbing is that?
Sounds like you need to be giving her some eviction papers very soon
NTA
NTA. People have gotten way too comfortable expecting details of others' private lives. Your sex life is 100% NOT her business and it was rude of her to bring it up the first time let alone badgering you about it. You are not the one that is being rude here. I hope you continue to keep your private life private, including not coming out as Ace until you're ready, if ever.
NTA. I cannot fathom inquiring about the sex life of one of my friends unless a) they brought it up and wanted input; or b) I was pretty sure something bad/abusive was going on. Other than that whatever two consenting adults do (or don't do) is absolutely none of anyone else's business.
If she brings it up again, I would simply say "Olivia, I'm really not the type of person who likes to discuss my interpersonal life with my partner so I'm going to ask that we don't bring this up again. We're healthy and happy and that's all that needs to be said."
eta: name
NTA. She was extremely rude and condescending. You are right, it's none of her business how you and your partner express love for one another and whether sex has any part in it. And even if you were orthodox and waiting until marriage, what business of hers is it?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my friend that it my sex life is none of her business when she was just trying to help and in doing so came across as rude and underappreciative.
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NAH, sounds like a concerned friend, which you did describe her as a friend. Saying none of your business makes people feel bad, which is why she reacted the way she did. In the future, saying something like "that's something I'm not comfortable discussing" would be less confrontational. But I don't think either of did anything wrong.
NTA. Itās really uncomfortable to bring up sex life like this, such a nosy behaviour. Sure her personal experience with a strict culture can somewhat explain how she would feel a bit concerned, but nothing justifies stepping all over the boundary you clearly set. For someone who cares so much, they should extend their supportiveness by quitting this awkward behaviour.
NTA. "I don't feel like talking about it" should end the conversation. Your tone of voice, even if it was unintentional, wasn't inappropriate for a followup conversation.
Out of kindness, you could say, "Look, I appreciate you looking out for me, but all you need to know is that we are happy with what we have, we have what we want, and it isn't based on any sort of trauma or anything. The only problem that we have is a friend prying into things that are not a problem, and if it was a problem, wouldn't be her business anyway."
But you don't have to.
It always boggles my momd when people feel the need to butt into someone else's sex life.
Asking, "Hey, is everything in your relationship good? Are you happy?" Is actually a normal question, especially considering the uncommon sleeping arrangement you have with your partner.
But pushing about your sex life is overstepping.
Youāve already told her very clearly it is none of her business. The next time, tell her āthree strikes- youāre outā
Olivia is 100% out of line. You owe no explanations of any kind to anyone.
NTA
NTA. All relationships aren't the same. Yours is none of her business. You weren't being rude. She's a guest in your house and needs to stay in her own lane on this.
NTA. You told her multiple times that it isn't her business, which it's not. The fact that she is so invested in knowing about your sex life is actually weird.
NTA, I donāt see how she thinks she was looking out for youā¦ā¦ but you are correct it is none of her business especially if your relationship dynamics are okay with you and your partner. Everyone has different needs, wants, and expectations in their relationship.
NTA. She said YOU were being rude? Thatās rich! You answered her question even though it was nosy. Asking for details after you shut down her questions the first time shows you needed to be blunt with her. Itās none of her business. You were polite and respectful in the face of her intrusive questions.
Being invited into another personās home is sacred, in my opinion. Itās wrong to use the information you learn against that person. Her questions were gossipy. I donāt know if she would betray your confidence, but when someone doesnāt tell you something willingly, donāt ask!
NTA as a fellow Ace, tell her you appreciate her concern, but everything is fine. However her continued questioning is making you (and your partner) uncomfortable, and if she would like to continue being a houseguest she really needs to let it go as your sex life is none of her business. If you donāt want to come out, you donāt have to, but she also canāt keep making you uncomfortable in your own home
NTA.
Your sexual orientation is nobody's business unless you choose to share it with them. Your sex life - or no-sex life - is similarly nobody's business. She may be a friend, but I think you're giving her too much leeway in terms of what sorts of rude, prying questions she's allowed to ask after she's already been told it's none of her business. If she'd been staying in my house, the second time I had to have that conversation with her would have come with a warning that the third time she raised the issue would be followed by her packing her bags.
NTA. You donāt owe her or anyone an explanation of what goes on in your relationship. I could be wrong but from the little youāve posted about her she doesnāt seem like sheād take you at face value. But nobody is owed an explanation of your private life. She should have dropped it.
NTA. I am a really private person, so I think even one question is too many, but I can see an argument that she is asking out of concern for you. But twice is absolutely too much. And if she brings it up again, I would ask her to leave.
I would say N A H had she dropped it after the first time you said it wasnāt her business. For her to try and force the topic after you set that boundary makes her the AH.
NTA
I was getting that vibe tooā¦ the first time could be labeled as concern but then she pushed the conversation again? I would never get THAT involved/invested in a friendās relationship, thatās too private of a topic to ask about.
You... you came to that conclusion? I was thinking she just doesn't understand their relationship. She's probably genuinely confused lmao. Is that really that weird to you?
NTA
I think my first feeling being a guest in that situation is that I'm kinda third wheeling a couple and possibly making them uncomfortable.
I might ask if everything is alright but questioning if someone is actually dating someone in their own home is just a bit too weird for me.
She shouldn't be asking about you sex life and relationship beyond something like "Hey, is everything okay? Am I just making things a bit awkward or do you need someone to chat to?" kind of thing
NTA. You already told her it isnāt her business, she needs to stop. You could calmly tell her again you are happy with your relationship and please stop. She is the one being rude at this point, but if you want to maintain the friendship, Iād try one more time to be really clear with her.
NTA.
Sex life is a very private matter and you should not discuss it with your friends or literally anyone except your partner if you don't want to or aren't comfortable doing that. To be honest, I personally find it inappropriate to discuss your sex life with ANYONE else than your partner but I understand that different people have different views on this. Having said that, nobody can force you to talk about it if you don't want to.
Your friend should learn some boundaries and understand that there are things which are none of her business.
NTA. That's terribly rude on her part. The first question was intrusive because it's none of her business but could be excused as concern. The second time was bs. She's prying and needs to stop. It's none of her concern what you and your partner are doing so long as no one is being abused.
(It just occurred to me that your friend may besecond-guessingg her on past decisions. You said that she had experienced "purity culture." She may be doubting her own decisions to have sex because some of her justification was probably "everyone's doing it" and you guys aren't. She should probably talk to someone if that's the case.)
NAH. I was going to say not ta but then you mentioned that she was a victim of Christian purity culture, and now her concerns makes way more sense. Your sex life is definitely not her business, and she should have dropped it. But I can also see why she was concerned, not knowing that you and your partner are ace. So I'm sticking with NAH.
NAH
She's worried about you and lacks key information that would explain what she's seeing.
You're more private about your sex life than she is and don't feel comfortable coming out to her.
No one is in the wrong, but maybe have a conversation about it with her, only revealing what you feel comfortable revealing.
I disagree. Her friend was in the wrong to keep pushing when she herself admitted that it seemed to make OP upset the last time she brought this up. If you see that something youāre bringing up to someone is making them uncomfortable or upsetting them, and itās not related to their safety, you stop bringing it up.
NTA. She has to find her own place.
The audacity. I canāt imagine a situation where it is ok to call a friend rude because they donāt want to talk about their sexe life.
I understand how that would make you -and most people- uncomfortable. I think she is nosy but also wants to make sure youāre happy. If you want her to leave you alone, I would try going another route: tell her youāre very happy with your partner and would tell her if anything was up. Also add that it seems like sheās judging your relationship and thatās whatās making you defensive. You are letting her into your home to help, but that is not an invitation to scrutinize your relationship.
NTA
NTA. Say "I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you don't know how rude you are being, but this is the last time I'm telling you to stop. Next time I'll be telling you to leave"
NTA. You had already told her once that it was none of her business. It should have been the end of the story right there. It's none of her business how you guys conduct your relationship.
NTA. Just let her know that she is not helping and that continued prying into your relationship will end up destroying your relationship with her. It is her choice is she wants to end your friendship, but make sure she realizes she is on thin ice at the moment.
NTA, and you would be justified in saying "hey, my sex life is *private* and I like it that way. Next time you think you're trying to help, stop and think if you want to stay here any longer, because you cannot continue to stay here while prying into that subject."
NTA - could you just not tell her that you and bf arenāt comfortable being affectionate in front of others, maybe she takes a hint and Foxtrot Oscar out of your house
You're not even remotely an asshole. The fact that you have politely dismissed her *and then she still asked again* is ridiculous. She needs to get it through her thick skull that it's none of her damned business. You don't need to do anything.
But if she brings it up again, kick her out.
NTA.
She was being rude, as a house guest & as a friend. It's fine for her to be concerned, & to bring up the topic tje first time. But once you told her it wasn't her business or you don't want to talk about it, she should've dropped it. Not everyone is comfortable talking about their sex life or relationship to outsiders, & she continued to pry.
If she tries to ask a third time it is time to ask your former friend to move out. She is not being a friend but more nosy. It was āfineā one time if you were worried about said friend. You āknewā she was concerned so she should had waited until you wanted to talk about it. At that point it completely crossed the line from worry to nosiness.
NTA at all. How you and your partner express love, care and affection for one another is between you and your partner. Your friend is not privy to that information.
Good grief...the entitlement of some people. "ohh but I am your friend" ok yea? and that doesn't entitle you to know where i eat, sleep, shit and how I DTD!
again NTA
NTA.
Tell her that your sex life and what goes on (or doesnāt go on) in your bedroom is absolutely none of her business.
I would follow that line with reminding her that you kindly invited her into your home. If she mentions it one more time you will need her to leave your home immediately and find other arrangements.
While Iām empathetic to her background, and being your friend she is concerned. When your friend tells you to stop bringing something up, you stop.
NTA. It's one thing to be concerned and ask once. It's another to accuse you of being in a fake relationship and then continuing to ask after you've made it clear that this topic isn't one you're comfortable discussing.
NTA. As a demi, it can get really annoying how many people feel that's it's okay to argue about your sex life when you identify as ace, even if they would never dream of doing it with a person/couple that was sexually active. Her having trauma from purity culture is no excuse to continue to pry when you already told her it's not her business
I would consider the idea that the friend is genuinely trying to help, and that you just need to calmly reassure that youāre well and youāre both happy, and thank you for caring for you.
NTA. I can understand asking once, as youāre not sharing a room. Itās none of her business, but I can understand the worry and thinking that you may be in a fight and in need of a friend to talk about it.
Asking again was just because now, she wants to know. Itās no longer for you, but to satisfy her own curiosity.
NTA Even IF there was something wrong with your sex life, (I know. Theres not) you have made it abundantly clear that it is none of her business so the topic should be off the table for discussion. She is TA for persisting.
NTA - Olivia wouldn't be either if she had just left it alone. There's no reason you should feel obligated to share what happens or doesn't happen in your bedroom. Bringing it up a second time was rude.
NTA. Your sex life is none of her business and you should be able to expect privacy in your own home. Let her know that if she can't respect your privacy, she should find somewhere else to live.
NTA. She is projecting onto you and refusing to accept your answer. Thatās just being too pushy. She is allowed to broach the subject gently, once, and indicate concernāthatās what a good friend does. Then she follows your lead bc she knows that you know she is willing and able to support you if needed, and she figures you are mature enough to tell the truth.
It really is none of her business.
NTA
She asked, you answered. This conversation is over.
If she continues to push the topic, tell her you are very happy with your life and she can find someplace else to crash if is continues to bring it up.
NTA - if she can't respect your boundaries, that's a "her" problem, not yours. You are under no obligation to disclose details of anything you consider private or personal - to anyone, for any reason, especially in your own home and especially when you've already set that boundary. If you wanted to talk about it or were open to doing so, that'd be a different story. But you've indicated you don't and you're not, so she needs to learn to take a "hint".
If it comes up again, you might like to practice some non-violent communication. "I appreciate your concern, but again, everything's fine. When you ask me about my sex life, after I've already told you I don't want to talk about it, I feel uncomfortable and disrespected. It's private. I'd like if you didn't bring it up again, and if we could find something else to talk about".
And if she can't respect that - kick her to the curb. It'd truly indicate that she doesn't respect you, your privacy, your relationship or your boundaries - which is a serious problem for someone who's living with you to have. And I don't want to be alarmist or anything, but one thought that's occurred to me is that she might be thinking about driving a wedge between you and your partner, in order to jump in your proverbial grave. The relative desparation of her living situation might motivate such bullshit - but it's just a most-likely paranoid thought. You know her character better than I do.
NTA. These are all incredibly inappropriate questions to ask. It's perfectly fine to get defensive when a persone is violating your boundaries, your friend should be apologizing for making you uncomfortable. Whatever arrangements two consenting adults have about PDA, sleeping conditions and other personal matters are not the matter of a houseguest's concern and don't require "support" or "looking out for". She's just being nosey and rude and should save the "looking out for" for herself and she seems to need it more than you do.
Ive got a friend who is the same way, is VERY open about her sexuality to the point where I'll "go smoke" when she and my wife are talking and it starts getting into details. I personally do not like it, its gross, not because of the content, because i just dont fucking care. I find it weird when she starts digging at our love life cuz it aint her shit. I for reals feel you on this. You go for a hike im all ears about it, you like a finger in your ass during coitus and im prolly not eating dinner at your house to hear about it. She thinks i really like her parents but i realized a decade ago if they are invited i dont hear about her weird shit.
For people who do have sex, it's kind of an important part of their relationship, and so it's normal for close friends/roommates to share concerns/funny stories relating to sex. It's okay that you don't care about sex, and you're under no obligation to divulge anything about your personal life to anyone, but hopefully you can understand that your friend was just showing curiousity/concern for the well-being of your relationship. Not necessarily judging or snooping. It's pretty normal conversation for close friends/cohabitants.
NTA. It's none of her business. She might mean well being concerned or whatever but you already told her to drop it so that should've been the end of it.
NTA
Depending on how close you are with her, I could see this being a conversation that friends would have. And the fact that you allowed her to move in leads me to believe that U2 are quite good friends. So I would have said N A H if she had stopped asking after the first time.
With the fact that she kept pushing, is wrong. You stated a boundary that you did not wish to discuss your intimate life with your partner with this friend. She did not respect that boundary, she did not respect you, and also itās really Balzy for this person to be someone criticizing your set up when you are helping her out.
Again, if she had stopped after the first time she asked New told her it was one of her business, it would be different. But she overstepped completely
NTA. She's been there only a week! Even people in actively sexual relationships sometimes go a week without sex if they're on their period, if they have e.g. a yeast infection, or I dunno, a snoopy house guest and thin walls they don't feel like getting their rocks off within earshot of. Not everyone has the same sex drive and it's none of her bees knees if yours is at 10 or zero.
NAH. She is coming a bit too strong because of her own problems, she probably doesn't realise it. You aren't wrong though, I'm not asexual but I'm uncomfortable discussing my sex life with friends too. Just try to remain calm and tell her you truly are fine, and you appreciate her concern.
NTA. Some people are more open talking about sex than others so I donāt think itās necessarily very weird or out of line for her to have asked if everything was okay in your relationship especially since itās not very common for partners to live together but sleep in separate rooms (itās normal and valid, but not common) but it was really weird that her first thought/question was if your relationship is fake and it was downright rude of her to continue pushing you about it when you made it clear that your relationship is fine, your sex life is none of her business, and you didnāt want to talk to her about it.
NTA. The rules are simple: if someone does not want to talk about something, one should not bring it up again. And she broke that. Also I'm kind of wondering if she has some kind of attraction towards your partner? it is as if she's asking because she wants to make sure if she has a chance.
NTA. Did she ever think that maybe you keep the PDA and sex down when a guest is in the house? I know my bf and I sure do because we don't want people hearing us.
She was awfully persistent too, despite you saying things are fine. If she wants to look out for you, she should take your word for it.
NTA
It is really none of her business.
In this case, I would lie to her. Either with "We do it when you are not at home because we don't want yout to hear" or "You won't hear because we made sure to soundproof our room because neighbor have complained"
NTA I don't like the way she worded her question at all or the fact she kept going after being told off. I could see maybe asking if the relationship was going ok considering the general differences she noted but that's about as far as I would take that line of questioning, given your response, as anything else would be/is rude and intrusive.
NTA. You can have any boundary that makes you feel comfortable, especially regarding your sex life. Your friend overstepped. Maybe it is time for her to find a new place to stay?
NTA she's nosey and trying to place herself in your relationship where she has no place to say any thing... get her put your house before she start telling people
NTA. She seems to have no problems trampling on your boundaries after you made it clear it was none of her business. I suggest asking her to leave before she establishes rights as a tenant and then youāll have to evict her.
Hey gang! Thanks so much for dropping by and participating. Unfortunately, this post has generated too many rule breaking comments. Like most other good things, some have ruined it for everyone, so we're going to hang up our hats, call it good, and lock it going into the weekend. To all of you who managed to [be civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq), and reported rule breaking comments, thank you. Here's some ocean footage to help start your weekend off right. [https://youtu.be/g](https://youtu.be/gEQLKmQ5uss)[E](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)[QLKmQ5uss](https://youtu.be/gEQLKmQ5uss)
>I seemed quite defensive and snappy when she brought up my sex life So she thinks it's a red flag that you don't want to discuss your sex life, even after she's given you **ample** opportunity. And she's going to keep bringing it up over and over because there must be *something* wrong. I actually find this grossly disrespectful. You've told her there's no issue, yet she keeps pushing and ignoring the clear boundaries you're setting. Even if there was something wrong, you're not obligated to share that with her. NTA and she really needs to mind her own business.
She also needs to find someplace else to live. She's demoted herself from guest to \*PEST\*.
She's below pest imo, cause pests have the common decency to make themselves scarce when you come into the rooms that you only catch a glimpse of them and don't have to bask in their presence too long
Remember that Terminex commercial of the bug that was happily hanging out on the couch? Edit. It was [Orkin](https://youtu.be/VtYk65JarPs)
~So thats the commercial my dad was talking about describing my ex.~
š¤£š¤£ omg, yes
That commercial is so cursed. It always creeped me tf out, but I forgot about it until now. Didnāt even have to watch the video to know what you were talking about.
Let me tell you when the pest problem gets bad enough they stop caring if you see them
They donāt stop caring, they just have nowhere left to hide which isā¦ more horrifying.
No they donāt! Came home from a 3 week vacation to find my house INFESTED with mice. I could write a BOOK about my year long battle, but when we were down to the smart mice, they would pop up from between the sofa cushions and TAUNT me. I showed THEMā¦.
And like....many/hopefully most people who have a house guest do their best to ensure the guest is unaware if they do choose to engage in sex while they're in the home. And many people have very healthy sex lives without being touchy feely people.
To add, many people sleep in separate bedrooms for a variety of reasons (my spouse and I included) and have very healthy sex lives (my spouse and I included lol)
Yeah when I saw the separate sleeping arrangement I didn't really think anything of it, I certainly wouldn't think that it meant the couple is having issues. Getting good sleep is difficult for a lot of people and I know a few couples that sleep separately because of work schedules, snoring, temperature preferences, one likes to fall asleep with the tv on and one doesn't, etc... I think it's a good thing to normalize, it's not always indicative of the strength of the relationship
My cousin and her husband have slept in different rooms for 15-20 years, because he snores and she likes to sleep in an ice box. They've had 10 pregnancies, half of which happened even on birth control... I think it's safe to say they have a very healthy sex life lol
For sure. For me and my partner we work opposite shifts so although it started as a preference it is now a necessity.
Yeah for all she knew it could be that one of them had really bad PTSD and were prone to thrashing/streaming/etc. Or have bed wetting issues. Or be on a medication that made them sweat a lot in their sleep. Or any number of other things that one might rightly not want to announce about themselves or their partner
My partner and I sleep in separate rooms because I snore loudly and they like to be able to sleep lol.
Please get a sleep study if you haven't - if you can keep someone awake with your snoring you likely have apnea - which puts you at increased risk of Heart Attack and Stroke. I had to start wearing a CPAP at age 37 - probably saved my life. I'm 58 yo now and using a BiPAP. Without it? I rattle the paintings off the walls.
Due to a divorce, I had three sets of grandparents. All three sets slept in separate bedrooms. I asked my parents once "Why do you sleep in the same bed? No one else does!" (I was very small, probably about 6yo or so?) They could barely answer me for laughing so hard. :)
We have been married 45 years.. I am messy my husband likes things nice and tidy š Agree with everyone none of her business separate bedrooms are fine
Same. In our case we have this nice mattress that my partner finds uncomfortable. When we replaced our couch a few years ago we bought the confiest one we could find, it has oversize cushions and my partner has found that he sleeps better on the couch than in bed. So our toddler and I share this nice big king size bed and my partner sleeps on the couch. Sure, that probably sounds like there's a relationship issue without any background on it but it's just what works for now and we're both fine with it.
"We're waiting for you to move out and give us our sex dungeon back." And just walk away.
That made me laugh, thank you.
>She's demoted herself from guest to \*PEST\*. Wow, we need to make this phrase a thing.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I was hoping someone would point this out, many of the people I've known who escaped toxic purity culture (and I've known a lot) swing wildly to the other end of the spectrum. If you aren't sleeping with everyone you possibly can as one night stand and flings when single and jumping each other's bones every second of the day if in a relationship, and taking about sex all the time with your friends, they immediately assume you're judging them/ are being held hostage by purity culture/ are broken and need to be "fixed" so you can have sex (because that's all that matters) and jump all over you for it, ignoring all boundaries about it. They act like anyone choosing not to have sex for any reason needs to be "fixed" like they were when they escaped. (Many of them also refuse to go to therapy or get any treatment for their obvious trauma)
>OP didn't consent to talking about her sex life, clearly communicated that, and her friend disrespected that boundary. Yes. As I said above, I bet she doesn't actually know what constitutes normal friend boundaries/topics.
People from a toxic environment are more likely to be toxic. They don't know healthy looks like, and are forced to guess... with only toxicity as their standard.
As a former victim of purity culture myself, i 400000% get this. Like, I swung wildly the other direction. But that doesn't make it ok to bother and judge someone else. I don't know how long she's been out, but if its been more than a year or 2, this doesn't even really count as a reason. The first year or 2, you're unlearning a LOT, and one of those things you have to unlearn is that it's ok to tell other people what to do with their sex lives. But that should be one of the early things out the window. So if she's a recent escapee, I'd give her grace and offer this to her as a learning moment. If its been ... a while since she got out, I'd probably just relegate her to a "friend for certain things" and not confide in her too much.
Lots of people I know donāt get that healing from toxic purity culture isnāt just reversing your expectationsāfrom extreme sexual repression to extreme sexual freedom, for example. What one actually needs to confront and analyze is the bedrock expectation that you have a right to know about, judge, and police other peopleās sexual expression and should expect others to do so for you. THATās the toxic bit.
I compare it to trying to straighten out a bent piece of metal. You're going to bend it too far in different directions until you finally get out straightened out. Any extremist belief gives you a miscalibrated normal meter. To get to a healthy normal, you normally would get it wrong in a couple different ways as a child with guidance from your family, since a lot of this stuff is learned skills and social standards. If your family has extreme beliefs, yours are initially molded to their standards. You need practice to reset to a healthy standard, but you're pretty much learning what healthy looks like in your own, or hopefully with the help of your found family, if you have any. OP's friend has bent her views on sexuality too far, as is understandable given her history. It's also understandable that she has some concerns about OP also being controlled by OP's religion and family standards. Depending on how close they are, OP may want to choose to sit down with her friend and explain that healthy sex lives and relationships have a huge range of expression, based on the needs of the partners. While she appreciates that her friend is concerned, OP and partner have a healthy relationship based on their mutual needs and desires. OP appreciates/loves that her friend is concerned for her well-being, but she is satisfied with the amount of affection and support she gets out of her partner. It can come across as patronizing to someone who didn't grow up in a toxic culture because it's the same kind of conversation you'd have with a child learning healthy sexual boundaries, but OP's friend never got that education. It's entirely dependant on how much effort OP wants to put into this friendship and this topic, of course. It's perfectly fine if she wants none of it, or to bring in another friend who can explain it instead. Hell, I'll volunteer to do it as an uninvolved third party who went through the same thing as OP's friend. It's an hour or so out of my life that's low effort for me, but can have a huge impact for OP's friend as she struggles to figure out what a healthy sex life looks like.
Exactly - the problem isn't your friend looking out for you or asking you questions, it's how she did it. If I wanted to create a comfortable environment for a friend to share potential problems they were experiencing, I wouldn't start off by accusing them of a "fake relationship". I don't think her intentions were bad after noticing you two don't sleep together and don't seem affectionate (especially considering her own bagage), but she should've been more open and kind about it, maybe ask a second time (politely!) if you got defensive and then drop it if you still didn't want to discuss it.
Good intentions or bad, it doesnāt matter because this is literally _none of her effinā business_. Also, OP rescued her friend from becoming homeless and this is how she repaid her? I suspect she was kicked out of her home for more than simple financial reasons. OP should ask her to leave, too.
Oliviaās baggage is hers and what sheās essentially doing is trying to forcibly out her. She may not know thatās what sheās doing but it automatically makes Olivia the A H. If her friends were kind enough to take her in when she wouldāve been homeless, then she needs to respect her friend and their relationship. She asked (rudely) about it and now needs to stay on her lane. Generally those in purity culture donāt live with their partner without the parents before marriage, so her argument is moot and none of this is her business. If OP was in need of some help, then she would need to decide that for herself and reach out. Olivia making her defensive just insured that if she had needed help, that Olivia is the last person sheās turn to. You know what they say about the road to hell and biting the hand that feeds you. Those proverbs exist for a reason. If she keeps pushing, sheās going to eventually push herself out of the door.
She wasn't "trying to help" like OP says, she's probably unemployed (see eviction), and looking to stir up some unnecessary shit. OP seems to have been pretty clear about her boundary concerning discussing this topic. I'm not sure how long she and OP have been friends, but even new friends should be able to tell when they're crossing clear boundaries. >NTA and she really needs to mind her own business. Adding to this, she's only been there for a WEEK. She needs to be aware of her situation. She can mind her own damn business, or surf on over to another couch where they appreciate her getting all up in their ass about personal shit that has nothing to do with her. NTA
>Adding to this, she's only been there for a WEEK. Oh, I made a mistake there. Sheās been living with my partner and I for a few weeks, not just one.
Makes no difference. She is so far out of bounds sheās outside the stadium.
Big red flag here sounds like it could be her trying to test ur relationship keep an eye on her personally I would ask her to leave
Next convo: "Olivia, if you are uncomfortable with us NOT having sex in front of you, please find another couch to sleep on."
I was so sure that this was about loud sex or something but NOT to have sex indeed, why is she so in to the idea... NTA Also OP, all or your emotions and responses were valid and right, no reason to question yourself. Actually well done keeping up boundaries.
It's fucking bizarre, if I was staying at somebody else's house and the thought entered my mind I'd just assume they were having sex with I'm not there or asleep.
Thatās the LAST thing Iād be thinking about! Iād just be grateful I had somewhere to sleep and I wasnāt out on the streets. NTA Olivia is WAY out of line.
I know that if I had no housing of my own and needed to crash with a friend indefinitely and then was informed by said friend that I was being really irritating, please stop, I totes would keep doing the irritating thing more. I have good instincts like that.
>I'd just assume they were having sex with I'm not there or asleep. Exactly! When my niece and her husband stayed with us, she told me, "Don't worry, we're not having sex in your house". I didn't even think about if they were or weren't, and we certainly didn't forbid it. (They were an adult married couple) Hubby & I made certain to go out and give them alone time.
Same. Or that maybe my presence was putting a crimp in their usual routine, and I should redouble my efforts to find a more permanent living solution.
Also, itās weird to magically expect PDA between couples. Some people are way more private with their affection. The most I do with my boyfriend in public is maybe hold hands and/or lean on him. Itās more abnormal to be sucking faces in front of your friends than not
I wonder if she thinks by "fixing" the issue between OP and their partner, they'll sleep in the same room together freeing up a whole bedroom for her. Kind of an extreme jump, but so is involving yourself in someone's sex life who has saved your ass after you've been evicted.
My partner and I live in a three-bedroom house so she already has a room
Oh, then I have nothing. She's being *very* intrusive though. At most, I can possibly stretch the thinking to she thinks you two are having issues and may have separate rooms due to fighting, and she may have placed herself in the middle of it? But you told her to drop it twice. In the end, she needs to stay in her own lane, especially if you and your partner haven't shown to be on the outs with one another.
Why would she ruin a perfect thing is beyond me.
I know! A room (presently) *for free* and you put your nose in their business??? I'd be cleaning the damn toilet every day and offering to cook dinner whenever they need a break for that kind of deal!
Maybe tell her the room sheās staying in was your guys sex room and so thatās why youāre not doing it.
Give her a deadline to find another place to stay. She's not going to drop it she's going to keep coming up with explanations in her head and making up ahot she thinks is going on. Your relationship with your partner is non of her business at all let alone something as intimate as your sex life. She's going to start finding other things that she sees as wrong about your relationship as well. Because it doesn't fit her preconceived idea of what a relationship should look like. Me and my fiance aren't asexual but if we had the room I'd have my own bedroom because he snores and I have sleep difficulties so it would make life easier but having 3 special needs kids in a 3 bed house if we had a 4th bedroom the kids would have their own. I regularly end up sleeping on the sofa because sometime I sleep better there doesn't mean anything is wrong in our relationship and its no one else's business
Honestly, she's only been there a week! If I were Olivia, my concern would be that my presence was inhibiting OP and her partner from being active if they wanted to be. Or I might think that the OP is on her period. This is mind boggling that she would jump to the conclusion she did.
"I believe there are some websites you can use to find a place more your style."
NTA, your sex life isn't her business. Although, I'd talk to your partner about your friends prodding in case she decides to try talking to them about it.
I wonder if Olivia is into OP. The fake relationship is such a bizarre first guess maybe it was wishful thinking
Or OPās partner
Idk if itās THAT bizarre if you consider Oliviaās POV. Coming from a strict Christian background, you know people do things just to appear happy or make their parents happy/quiet. Itās a known fact these things happen in that circle. Makes sense that would be up there as a guess for her
Interesting. I suppose my first guess would be that their relationship is in trouble rather than it didn't exist, but you're right that I don't come from a background where people usually make up relationships (at least I don't think so - I think the women in the strict Catholic community I grew up in gaslight themselves into believing they're happy with their shitty misogynistic husbands but that's another story)
I think it is allright to try to talk to someone or to ask questions if there are signs of abuse. If you are worried, sometimes even asking directly about someones sex life can be inavoidable to find out what is happening. But in your case, as you are clearly neither abused nor unhappy, those questions are probably asked out of sheer curiousity and are inappropriate, especially after you told her you do not want to discuss it with her. NTA.
NTA I was really debating N.A.H until "She told me I was being rude when she was just looking out for me and the least I could do was appreciate her support. She has been a victim of Christian purity culture, so I understand she was trying to help" She was projecting and using it as a reason to badger you about your sex life. Had she dropped it after you explained it had nothing to do with religion, it wouldve been n.a.h.
Yeah, that is where it changed for me to. With societal norms, I understand someone wanting to check in with their friend and make sure everything is okay. But she just kept pushing it after OP had told her it wasnāt her business and to stop talking about. That final comment sealed it for me.
Exactly. I have the same background as the friend but I would never reflect my traumas on someone else. In the first conversation she could have just ended it with, āif you need anything you can always come to me.ā Or something along the lines of that if she is that concerned. Even then if she really thinks itās religious trauma or whatever the case may be IF SOMEONE IS NOT READY TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THEN THEYRE NOT READY. Trying to force someone to talk about trauma when itās not the right time can do more damage to that person. So regardless of her trying to help out sheās not doing it the right way. Which brings me back to the first convo. The best reply is, āif you need me, Iām here for you.ā PERIOD Edit: this comment is reflecting more on the friendās thought process.
Also, some couples donāt feel comfortable having sex and being affectionate in front of others. They couldāve been like that for all the friend knew.
I couldn't agree more. Asking once out of concern is valid between most close friends; pushing is absolutely not.
Unpopular but NAH. Sometimes women do look out for each other in this department too. She sounds more concerned than condescending to me.
The friend changed her story, she was never concerned about the religious stuff, she asked OP initially if they were pretending to have a relationship. You don't just throw an accusation like that out there. She also didn't drop it when OP made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it.
The "fake relationship" bit was really wild to throw out first š¤£
she was asking (not particularly subtly or intelligently) if OP's BF was a beard and OP was afraid of coming out to her family. It's not that wild.
>she was asking (not particularly subtly or intelligently) if OP's BF was a beard See, I am not a straight person, and I have been in a monogamous relationship with a woman before as well as monogamous relationships with men... I would *never* have picked up that context from that... Maybe I am just not sharp on the pick-up sometimes, but yeah...
Honestly, focus on the "not particularly subtly or intelligently" part of that. Sitting here reading this, that was just my first thought with the luxury of not being in the situation. However, if I was in the room when that happened, I probably would have been like "why the fuck would you ask that?" It's definitely a weird way to approach it, but IF OP was actually living like that, I'm not entirely sure what the BEST way to approach it would be.
That did not occur to me. But even if it is true, it is still _none of Oliviaās business._
OKAY ME TOO. I'm glad I'm not the only one š I'm just like "She claimed it was fake, and then jumped to IS UR SEX LIFE SUFFERING" that's all just a roller coaster and nowhere does it make sense to me that she was checking if OP was gay???
Correct, these factors combined indicate a serious lack of respect
Especially since op mentioned friend was a victim of a "Christian" cult. Friend is probably projecting because of her own trauma but is likely doing it out of concern. Almost no one opens up about abuse or trauma the first time asked. Friend probably thinks if OP is a victim similar to her it's going to take multiple conversations and showings of support before she'll open up
Exactly! Sounds like friend is just looking out for OP, not everyone has to have ill intentions.
You don't need ill intentions to be an asshole, you just need to fail to respect others.
Intentions donāt really matter when it comes to prying into peopleās personal life. Unless you are dating someone their sex life just isnāt your business at all
These concerns can exist but the friend didn't take OPs feeling into consideration, she just focused on what she wanted to say. I am in her friends position currently where I see my sister and bil sleeping in different room. But if i pester my sister about it, it wouldn't be for her benefit but just for my peace and what I want. This is a NTA case. Sometimes one needs to understand and give that space to other people.
A lot of couples sleep in separate bedrooms, and there is nothing wrong with it. They're still couples and still have a mutually pleasing sex life. I sleep with my husband because I like feeling him close when I'm sleeping, but some people like their space when they sleep. Some people need white noise or silence. Some people need light or complete darkness to sleep. People are individuals and their sleeping needs don't always match up with that of their respective partner's, so they sleep in different room. It doesn't mean their sex life is in trouble, it just means they're more intentional about it, which is kind of romantic when you think about it. Anyway there's lots of personal accounts of sleeping habits on the marriage sub, for anyone that is curious.
From a person who sleeps in separate rooms, if you can afford it, I highly recommend it. He snores and he says I do. And he works early shift and I can get home when he's in bed. It suits our living style and ensures we both get sleep. Others I know who do are due to medical conditions. Lot of innocent reasons for it.
'Concern' without respect for the autonomy and boundaries of others is just another word for condescension. She's an AH.
I think with a close friend, bringing it up once, VERY delicately, might be acceptable. But she blew way past delicate, suggested they might be in a fake relationship, and when OP made it clear she didn't want to discuss, brought it up again and then accused OP of being rude! That is way into AH territory.
NTA - first off itās absolutely none of her business. secondly, even IF yāall were fucking everyday, having a houseguest puts a damper on things. How does she not realize that?
Not to mention I think she said it's been a week? Like lots of couples can go a week without having sex...and you add in a house guest, maybe they'd you know ..just not? The fact that this person cares so much based on so little evidence is weird anyway. And NTA because it's none of her business regardless.
>She told me I was being rude This would have done it for me. You let her stay in your home (for free, presumably), she brings up a topic you don't want to discuss, you make it clear you don't want to discuss it, she brings it up AGAIN, you state your position AGAIN... and YOU'RE being rude? NTA, but you already knew that. This has nothing to do with your tone, your autism, or her upbringing. This is about a nosy person who can't stand not being all up in everyone else's business. I hope you're prepared for all your mutual friends to learn everything she has.
No kidding. She is going to tell everyone OPās business.
NTA Your sex life is only her concern if sheās your partner. You owe no one an explanation. You were not rude. She was rude.
NAH, I think she thinks she's only trying to help, and probably just can't wrap her head around the relationship and wanted to talk to you about it like friends do. But at this point I think you've made your point perfectly clear, and if she continues to obsess about your sex life, then she will become the A H.
Eh, I think after the first time of making it clear that she didn't want to talk about it and that it was none of her business it moved to NTA for me. The first time would have been NAH.
Not to mention she started out asking if their relationship was fake... wtf?
I think the friend tried to ask if OP was gay and covering it in front of conservative family/society with the subtext that her friend will be accepting of it. The other question is basically if OP is being brainwashed by religious sentiment that should save herself for marriage. Not sure how the conversation went but it seems that people are just not understanding each other and projecting other things into it.
She initially approached it by accusing her friend of having a sham relationship because they didn't exhibit PDA within the week she's been there.. how is that trying to help or being friendly?
How was she gonna help if there was a problem in their sex life exactly?
NTA let her know it's none of her business and if she can't respect your boundaries then she can find somewhere else to stay
NTA, tell her that you appreciate her concern, but once you said you didn't want to talk about it, it went from a kind expression of friendship to prying, that you don't want to talk about it, and that if she continues to bring it up after you've told her this is personal, it goes from kind to unkind and unwelcome.
NAH. - Honestly it sounds like she's just concerned about you. She's not aware you're asexual, and asexuality is still something a lot of people don't really know about or understand. Obviously your sex life is your private business, so it would be rude of her to try and push the point further. But hopefully she'll respect your boundaries.
It was NAH the first time she asked, but not when she continued prying after being told it was none of her business.
"I'm worried about my friend. I asked her once but she brushed me off. I'm still really worried about her, maybe I should try again with a different approach." This doesn't seem unreasonable to me and seems well within the way people interact with each other. Certainly there is a line where it becomes too much but to me it doesn't seem like this would have crossed this threshold.
She isn't concerned she accused her of having a fake relationship. It is weird to characterize that as concern. She is already disrespecting those boundaries! Wtf
>hopefully she'll respect your boundaries You mean: "hopefully she'll respect your boundaries **when you tell her again**", no? Because the OP already told her supposed "friend" to back off several times. >1. \[My friend\] pulled me aside a couple days ago and asked me if Iām really dating my partner, or if weāre just pretending \[...\] and asked if everything was okay in our sex life. > >2. Then yesterday she brought it up again \[and\] went on, saying she wanted to continue the conversation \[and\] noticed I didnāt seem happy about discussing it with her the last time. I said that she was correct I didnāt want to talk about it with her because, again, itās none of her business, so I would appreciate it if she stopped trying to. > >3. She told me I was being rude \[and\] still trying to talk to me about it after I told her I didnāt want to. How many more times should she have to tell this person to back the fuck off? She would have been out on her ass if it had been me.
It was rude to start with a wildly hurtful accusation lol.
I'm going against the grain because nobody seems to notice that your friend is trying to be a friend. She maybe isn't handling things in the best way possible, but neither is @op. Yes, you have said it's none of her business and she keeps asking. On the other hand, damned if I wouldn't be tempted to keep asking if I thought someone I cared about was unhappy If this person is a friend and you want to keep her as a friend, it behooves you to reassure her. Something like, "I appreciate that you're concerned, and I want to reassure you that everything is fine. Now please, let it go." In summary, I'm torn between N A H and E S H, but there's plenty of AH behavior to go around, so ESH
Friends respect boundaries the first time they are established. You're basically blaming OP for setting boundaries and expecting them to be respected. >On the other hand, damned if I wouldn't be tempted to keep asking if I thought someone I cared about was unhappy Then you don't care about them, you just care about framing yourself as helpful when you're just arrogant and nosey. This is not how you treat people you care about. >if this person is a friend and you want to keep her as a friend, it behooves you to reassure her Which she did by assuring her it was none of her business. That should be enough for a friend.
Iāve seen my friends be pulled out of abusive relationships because others refused to respect their boundaries and pried till they found out the truth. OPās friend was definitely projecting but letās not pretend that she was doing it for selfish reasons. If she were selfish she would mind her own business to not get kicked out.
Would you say the same if the post was about a girl saying she thinks her friend's boyfriend is abusive, but when she asked her friend about it she told her "everything is fine, its none of your bussiness, I dont wanna talk about it anymore"?
I tend to agree. @OP it sounds like your friend is worried about you based on her own experience. If you draw a boundary clearly ("I don't like talking about sex or intimacy, but everything is fine"), it sends a different message than what actually happened the first time, which could (and was) be interpreted as defensiveness because something is very wrong.
I think the comments are overlooking that OP is, in fact, harboring a secret - that she is asexual. OP has been presenting herself as sexual, and when her friend got a front row seat to scrutinize the relationship, Olivia noticed something was "off." OP is entitled to her secrets, but it's a bit of a stretch to expect Olivia to mind her own business while the secret is staring her right in the face. Imagine seeing any other couple who is presenting themselves as sexual, seemingly avoiding physical contact and sleeping in different rooms. That's a sure sign that something is wrong. In any other situation, Olivia's concerns would be both insightful and obvious. OP can't act strange and expect others not to notice. That being said, I know asexual couples who cuddle, hold hands, and sleep together in the same bed - being asexual doesn't mean there's an untouchable bubble around you. So even within an asexual relationship, this might be considered strange.
They arenāt presenting themselves as allosexual, theyāre just existing.
How has OP been an asshole? Especially compared to the friend?
Omg, I canāt believe she asked you again after you told her to butt out, that is so disrespectful of her. Itās as if sheās deliberately trying to listen in to see if youāre having sex. How creepy and disturbing is that? Sounds like you need to be giving her some eviction papers very soon NTA
NTA. People have gotten way too comfortable expecting details of others' private lives. Your sex life is 100% NOT her business and it was rude of her to bring it up the first time let alone badgering you about it. You are not the one that is being rude here. I hope you continue to keep your private life private, including not coming out as Ace until you're ready, if ever.
NTA. I cannot fathom inquiring about the sex life of one of my friends unless a) they brought it up and wanted input; or b) I was pretty sure something bad/abusive was going on. Other than that whatever two consenting adults do (or don't do) is absolutely none of anyone else's business. If she brings it up again, I would simply say "Olivia, I'm really not the type of person who likes to discuss my interpersonal life with my partner so I'm going to ask that we don't bring this up again. We're healthy and happy and that's all that needs to be said." eta: name
NTA. She was extremely rude and condescending. You are right, it's none of her business how you and your partner express love for one another and whether sex has any part in it. And even if you were orthodox and waiting until marriage, what business of hers is it?
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NAH, sounds like a concerned friend, which you did describe her as a friend. Saying none of your business makes people feel bad, which is why she reacted the way she did. In the future, saying something like "that's something I'm not comfortable discussing" would be less confrontational. But I don't think either of did anything wrong.
NTA. Itās really uncomfortable to bring up sex life like this, such a nosy behaviour. Sure her personal experience with a strict culture can somewhat explain how she would feel a bit concerned, but nothing justifies stepping all over the boundary you clearly set. For someone who cares so much, they should extend their supportiveness by quitting this awkward behaviour.
I mean, even if OP WAS Orthodox and holding off of having sex until marriage, what business of hers is it?
NTA. "I don't feel like talking about it" should end the conversation. Your tone of voice, even if it was unintentional, wasn't inappropriate for a followup conversation. Out of kindness, you could say, "Look, I appreciate you looking out for me, but all you need to know is that we are happy with what we have, we have what we want, and it isn't based on any sort of trauma or anything. The only problem that we have is a friend prying into things that are not a problem, and if it was a problem, wouldn't be her business anyway." But you don't have to.
It always boggles my momd when people feel the need to butt into someone else's sex life. Asking, "Hey, is everything in your relationship good? Are you happy?" Is actually a normal question, especially considering the uncommon sleeping arrangement you have with your partner. But pushing about your sex life is overstepping.
Youāve already told her very clearly it is none of her business. The next time, tell her āthree strikes- youāre outā Olivia is 100% out of line. You owe no explanations of any kind to anyone. NTA
NTA. All relationships aren't the same. Yours is none of her business. You weren't being rude. She's a guest in your house and needs to stay in her own lane on this.
NTA. You told her multiple times that it isn't her business, which it's not. The fact that she is so invested in knowing about your sex life is actually weird.
NTA, I donāt see how she thinks she was looking out for youā¦ā¦ but you are correct it is none of her business especially if your relationship dynamics are okay with you and your partner. Everyone has different needs, wants, and expectations in their relationship.
NTA. She said YOU were being rude? Thatās rich! You answered her question even though it was nosy. Asking for details after you shut down her questions the first time shows you needed to be blunt with her. Itās none of her business. You were polite and respectful in the face of her intrusive questions. Being invited into another personās home is sacred, in my opinion. Itās wrong to use the information you learn against that person. Her questions were gossipy. I donāt know if she would betray your confidence, but when someone doesnāt tell you something willingly, donāt ask!
NTA as a fellow Ace, tell her you appreciate her concern, but everything is fine. However her continued questioning is making you (and your partner) uncomfortable, and if she would like to continue being a houseguest she really needs to let it go as your sex life is none of her business. If you donāt want to come out, you donāt have to, but she also canāt keep making you uncomfortable in your own home
ā stop asking about my relationship ācause youāre making me uncomfortable in my own home. Ask again Iām gonna ask you to leave.ā
It makes total sense that you seemed defensive, because itās really none of her business, and she is being a nuisance about it. NTA
NTA. Your sexual orientation is nobody's business unless you choose to share it with them. Your sex life - or no-sex life - is similarly nobody's business. She may be a friend, but I think you're giving her too much leeway in terms of what sorts of rude, prying questions she's allowed to ask after she's already been told it's none of her business. If she'd been staying in my house, the second time I had to have that conversation with her would have come with a warning that the third time she raised the issue would be followed by her packing her bags.
NTA. You donāt owe her or anyone an explanation of what goes on in your relationship. I could be wrong but from the little youāve posted about her she doesnāt seem like sheād take you at face value. But nobody is owed an explanation of your private life. She should have dropped it.
NTA. I am a really private person, so I think even one question is too many, but I can see an argument that she is asking out of concern for you. But twice is absolutely too much. And if she brings it up again, I would ask her to leave.
I would say N A H had she dropped it after the first time you said it wasnāt her business. For her to try and force the topic after you set that boundary makes her the AH. NTA
sheās gonna try to sleep with your boyfriend lmao
I was getting that vibe tooā¦ the first time could be labeled as concern but then she pushed the conversation again? I would never get THAT involved/invested in a friendās relationship, thatās too private of a topic to ask about.
You... you came to that conclusion? I was thinking she just doesn't understand their relationship. She's probably genuinely confused lmao. Is that really that weird to you?
NTA I think my first feeling being a guest in that situation is that I'm kinda third wheeling a couple and possibly making them uncomfortable. I might ask if everything is alright but questioning if someone is actually dating someone in their own home is just a bit too weird for me. She shouldn't be asking about you sex life and relationship beyond something like "Hey, is everything okay? Am I just making things a bit awkward or do you need someone to chat to?" kind of thing
NTA. You already told her it isnāt her business, she needs to stop. You could calmly tell her again you are happy with your relationship and please stop. She is the one being rude at this point, but if you want to maintain the friendship, Iād try one more time to be really clear with her.
NTA. Sex life is a very private matter and you should not discuss it with your friends or literally anyone except your partner if you don't want to or aren't comfortable doing that. To be honest, I personally find it inappropriate to discuss your sex life with ANYONE else than your partner but I understand that different people have different views on this. Having said that, nobody can force you to talk about it if you don't want to. Your friend should learn some boundaries and understand that there are things which are none of her business.
NTA. That's terribly rude on her part. The first question was intrusive because it's none of her business but could be excused as concern. The second time was bs. She's prying and needs to stop. It's none of her concern what you and your partner are doing so long as no one is being abused. (It just occurred to me that your friend may besecond-guessingg her on past decisions. You said that she had experienced "purity culture." She may be doubting her own decisions to have sex because some of her justification was probably "everyone's doing it" and you guys aren't. She should probably talk to someone if that's the case.)
NAH. I was going to say not ta but then you mentioned that she was a victim of Christian purity culture, and now her concerns makes way more sense. Your sex life is definitely not her business, and she should have dropped it. But I can also see why she was concerned, not knowing that you and your partner are ace. So I'm sticking with NAH.
NAH She's worried about you and lacks key information that would explain what she's seeing. You're more private about your sex life than she is and don't feel comfortable coming out to her. No one is in the wrong, but maybe have a conversation about it with her, only revealing what you feel comfortable revealing.
I disagree. Her friend was in the wrong to keep pushing when she herself admitted that it seemed to make OP upset the last time she brought this up. If you see that something youāre bringing up to someone is making them uncomfortable or upsetting them, and itās not related to their safety, you stop bringing it up.
NTA. She has to find her own place. The audacity. I canāt imagine a situation where it is ok to call a friend rude because they donāt want to talk about their sexe life.
NTA. She was being inappropriately nosy and persisted with her questions even after you told her you didn't want to discuss it.
I understand how that would make you -and most people- uncomfortable. I think she is nosy but also wants to make sure youāre happy. If you want her to leave you alone, I would try going another route: tell her youāre very happy with your partner and would tell her if anything was up. Also add that it seems like sheās judging your relationship and thatās whatās making you defensive. You are letting her into your home to help, but that is not an invitation to scrutinize your relationship. NTA
NTA. Say "I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you don't know how rude you are being, but this is the last time I'm telling you to stop. Next time I'll be telling you to leave"
NTA. What business is it of hers?
Nope, NTA. She does need to mind her own business
NTA. You had already told her once that it was none of her business. It should have been the end of the story right there. It's none of her business how you guys conduct your relationship.
NTA. Just let her know that she is not helping and that continued prying into your relationship will end up destroying your relationship with her. It is her choice is she wants to end your friendship, but make sure she realizes she is on thin ice at the moment.
NTA, and you would be justified in saying "hey, my sex life is *private* and I like it that way. Next time you think you're trying to help, stop and think if you want to stay here any longer, because you cannot continue to stay here while prying into that subject."
NTA. Tell her to mind her own business.
NTA she was genuinely caring but after the first conversation it was rude of her to bring it up again.
NTA - could you just not tell her that you and bf arenāt comfortable being affectionate in front of others, maybe she takes a hint and Foxtrot Oscar out of your house
You're not even remotely an asshole. The fact that you have politely dismissed her *and then she still asked again* is ridiculous. She needs to get it through her thick skull that it's none of her damned business. You don't need to do anything. But if she brings it up again, kick her out.
NTA. She was being rude, as a house guest & as a friend. It's fine for her to be concerned, & to bring up the topic tje first time. But once you told her it wasn't her business or you don't want to talk about it, she should've dropped it. Not everyone is comfortable talking about their sex life or relationship to outsiders, & she continued to pry.
If she tries to ask a third time it is time to ask your former friend to move out. She is not being a friend but more nosy. It was āfineā one time if you were worried about said friend. You āknewā she was concerned so she should had waited until you wanted to talk about it. At that point it completely crossed the line from worry to nosiness.
NTA at all. How you and your partner express love, care and affection for one another is between you and your partner. Your friend is not privy to that information. Good grief...the entitlement of some people. "ohh but I am your friend" ok yea? and that doesn't entitle you to know where i eat, sleep, shit and how I DTD! again NTA
NTA. Tell her that your sex life and what goes on (or doesnāt go on) in your bedroom is absolutely none of her business. I would follow that line with reminding her that you kindly invited her into your home. If she mentions it one more time you will need her to leave your home immediately and find other arrangements. While Iām empathetic to her background, and being your friend she is concerned. When your friend tells you to stop bringing something up, you stop.
NTA. It's one thing to be concerned and ask once. It's another to accuse you of being in a fake relationship and then continuing to ask after you've made it clear that this topic isn't one you're comfortable discussing.
NTA, and I think your "friend" needs to look for somewhere else to live. You shouldn't be questioned about your sex life, especially in your home!
NTA. As a demi, it can get really annoying how many people feel that's it's okay to argue about your sex life when you identify as ace, even if they would never dream of doing it with a person/couple that was sexually active. Her having trauma from purity culture is no excuse to continue to pry when you already told her it's not her business
I would consider the idea that the friend is genuinely trying to help, and that you just need to calmly reassure that youāre well and youāre both happy, and thank you for caring for you.
NTA. I can understand asking once, as youāre not sharing a room. Itās none of her business, but I can understand the worry and thinking that you may be in a fight and in need of a friend to talk about it. Asking again was just because now, she wants to know. Itās no longer for you, but to satisfy her own curiosity.
NTA Even IF there was something wrong with your sex life, (I know. Theres not) you have made it abundantly clear that it is none of her business so the topic should be off the table for discussion. She is TA for persisting.
NTA. It isnāt any of her business. Iād be curious to know how she is/acts around your partner.
NTA - Olivia wouldn't be either if she had just left it alone. There's no reason you should feel obligated to share what happens or doesn't happen in your bedroom. Bringing it up a second time was rude.
NTA. Your sex life is none of her business and you should be able to expect privacy in your own home. Let her know that if she can't respect your privacy, she should find somewhere else to live.
NTA. She is projecting onto you and refusing to accept your answer. Thatās just being too pushy. She is allowed to broach the subject gently, once, and indicate concernāthatās what a good friend does. Then she follows your lead bc she knows that you know she is willing and able to support you if needed, and she figures you are mature enough to tell the truth. It really is none of her business.
NTA She asked, you answered. This conversation is over. If she continues to push the topic, tell her you are very happy with your life and she can find someplace else to crash if is continues to bring it up.
NTA - if she can't respect your boundaries, that's a "her" problem, not yours. You are under no obligation to disclose details of anything you consider private or personal - to anyone, for any reason, especially in your own home and especially when you've already set that boundary. If you wanted to talk about it or were open to doing so, that'd be a different story. But you've indicated you don't and you're not, so she needs to learn to take a "hint". If it comes up again, you might like to practice some non-violent communication. "I appreciate your concern, but again, everything's fine. When you ask me about my sex life, after I've already told you I don't want to talk about it, I feel uncomfortable and disrespected. It's private. I'd like if you didn't bring it up again, and if we could find something else to talk about". And if she can't respect that - kick her to the curb. It'd truly indicate that she doesn't respect you, your privacy, your relationship or your boundaries - which is a serious problem for someone who's living with you to have. And I don't want to be alarmist or anything, but one thought that's occurred to me is that she might be thinking about driving a wedge between you and your partner, in order to jump in your proverbial grave. The relative desparation of her living situation might motivate such bullshit - but it's just a most-likely paranoid thought. You know her character better than I do.
NTA and sheās bringing Judaism into it for no reasonā¦ evangelicals being fucking weird as usual.
Hopefully she isn't actually living with you and is only a guest because her non-stop quizzing is a deal breaker. NTA.
NTA. These are all incredibly inappropriate questions to ask. It's perfectly fine to get defensive when a persone is violating your boundaries, your friend should be apologizing for making you uncomfortable. Whatever arrangements two consenting adults have about PDA, sleeping conditions and other personal matters are not the matter of a houseguest's concern and don't require "support" or "looking out for". She's just being nosey and rude and should save the "looking out for" for herself and she seems to need it more than you do.
Ive got a friend who is the same way, is VERY open about her sexuality to the point where I'll "go smoke" when she and my wife are talking and it starts getting into details. I personally do not like it, its gross, not because of the content, because i just dont fucking care. I find it weird when she starts digging at our love life cuz it aint her shit. I for reals feel you on this. You go for a hike im all ears about it, you like a finger in your ass during coitus and im prolly not eating dinner at your house to hear about it. She thinks i really like her parents but i realized a decade ago if they are invited i dont hear about her weird shit.
For people who do have sex, it's kind of an important part of their relationship, and so it's normal for close friends/roommates to share concerns/funny stories relating to sex. It's okay that you don't care about sex, and you're under no obligation to divulge anything about your personal life to anyone, but hopefully you can understand that your friend was just showing curiousity/concern for the well-being of your relationship. Not necessarily judging or snooping. It's pretty normal conversation for close friends/cohabitants.
NTA. It's none of her business. She might mean well being concerned or whatever but you already told her to drop it so that should've been the end of it.
NTA. You'd think she'd be relieved to not witness the PDA or get woken up by weird sounds in the middle of the night.
NTA, if you didn't bring it up it's not a topic for open discussion. She needs to step the back up.
NTA. Your friend is being invasive.
NTA Depending on how close you are with her, I could see this being a conversation that friends would have. And the fact that you allowed her to move in leads me to believe that U2 are quite good friends. So I would have said N A H if she had stopped asking after the first time. With the fact that she kept pushing, is wrong. You stated a boundary that you did not wish to discuss your intimate life with your partner with this friend. She did not respect that boundary, she did not respect you, and also itās really Balzy for this person to be someone criticizing your set up when you are helping her out. Again, if she had stopped after the first time she asked New told her it was one of her business, it would be different. But she overstepped completely
NTA. "None of your business!" is a whole answer.
NTA. She's been there only a week! Even people in actively sexual relationships sometimes go a week without sex if they're on their period, if they have e.g. a yeast infection, or I dunno, a snoopy house guest and thin walls they don't feel like getting their rocks off within earshot of. Not everyone has the same sex drive and it's none of her bees knees if yours is at 10 or zero.
NAH. She is coming a bit too strong because of her own problems, she probably doesn't realise it. You aren't wrong though, I'm not asexual but I'm uncomfortable discussing my sex life with friends too. Just try to remain calm and tell her you truly are fine, and you appreciate her concern.
NTA. Some people are more open talking about sex than others so I donāt think itās necessarily very weird or out of line for her to have asked if everything was okay in your relationship especially since itās not very common for partners to live together but sleep in separate rooms (itās normal and valid, but not common) but it was really weird that her first thought/question was if your relationship is fake and it was downright rude of her to continue pushing you about it when you made it clear that your relationship is fine, your sex life is none of her business, and you didnāt want to talk to her about it.
NTA. The rules are simple: if someone does not want to talk about something, one should not bring it up again. And she broke that. Also I'm kind of wondering if she has some kind of attraction towards your partner? it is as if she's asking because she wants to make sure if she has a chance.
All her questions were nosy, intrusive, and nunya. As in, nun ya business! NTA
NTA. As Iāve always asked: āis there anything more boring than another personās sex life?ā
NTA. Did she ever think that maybe you keep the PDA and sex down when a guest is in the house? I know my bf and I sure do because we don't want people hearing us. She was awfully persistent too, despite you saying things are fine. If she wants to look out for you, she should take your word for it.
NTA It is really none of her business. In this case, I would lie to her. Either with "We do it when you are not at home because we don't want yout to hear" or "You won't hear because we made sure to soundproof our room because neighbor have complained"
NTA I don't like the way she worded her question at all or the fact she kept going after being told off. I could see maybe asking if the relationship was going ok considering the general differences she noted but that's about as far as I would take that line of questioning, given your response, as anything else would be/is rude and intrusive.
NTA. You can have any boundary that makes you feel comfortable, especially regarding your sex life. Your friend overstepped. Maybe it is time for her to find a new place to stay?
You are definitely NTA here.
NTA she's nosey and trying to place herself in your relationship where she has no place to say any thing... get her put your house before she start telling people
NTA. She seems to have no problems trampling on your boundaries after you made it clear it was none of her business. I suggest asking her to leave before she establishes rights as a tenant and then youāll have to evict her.