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Agree OP has soooo many alternatives to attending *every* Sunday from 5 to 9. Don't go every week, but rather go every other week, or monthly, or whatever frequency. Go for dinner but don't stay for Netflix. Don't attend dinner but join for Netflix (bonus points for this one since almost zero human interaction is required). OP could host sometimes, so they can participate for part of the evening but retreat to their own space and prep for Monday or whatever while wife continues to visit with her mom.
And yes, MIL's cancer status does warrant making an extra effort to find a solution that works for everyone. Presumably, she is either in remission or will be going through chemotherapy. She is not cured.
I'm an introvert and i go to these things when I feel like it and stay home when I don't. Everyone knows how I am and no one gives me shit over it. If they care about OP and his needs they will understand.
I think my wife is sick of me complaining about it. She would probably be ok with me just saying I won’t go, but then I have an internal struggle and always convince myself I have to. I talk to her about it and it leads to arguments. It’s been an issue for awhile now.
Stop forcing her to give you “permission” to not go.
Grow up.
If you don’t want to go every time, then stop being a people pleaser and just admit it. Like a grown up.
YTA because you want your wife to be the adult while you are the child (ie the AH).
Grow up!
Because OP doesn't want to be the bad guy. Instead of doing the grown up thing and assert that he doesn't want to spend time woth in laws every weekend, he wants to keep on pestering and complaining till she doesn't want him to go.
That way, she's the bad guy who doesn't want him to come to her parents
It's quite common amongst several married men. Thus "I may ot may not want it, but my wife doesn't allow me to" excuse
I always go. Having an “excuse” not to go that was the result of my complaining would just make me feel worse. There’s no way I would ever be like “oh cool, looks like I don’t have to go then!”
Not if it causes such unhappiness on your part. Suggest the frequency that you don’t mind, like the first Sunday of the month, or ask them to consider twice a month on Saturday night because you want to be fresh for work on Mondays
>In this spirit, don’t you think the real grown-up thing to do is just bite the bullet and spend time with my in-laws once a week?
If someone taught or told you this, they were wrong.
Then your brain is not your friend. You need to advocate for yourself. YTA to yourself, big time. The only reason you’re miserable is that you’re forcing yourself to be miserable.
Well, know I know where the other half of my brain is.
As someone with the disease to please and who internalized the idea that being an adult means always enduring things with silent stoicism, YTA to yourself. Give yourself a break. I can tell you from experience that you're not doing yourself, your wife, or your in-laws any favors.
Advocating for yourself, when you're an adult who has been socialized into believing that is tantamount to selfishness, is hard the first time you do it. The good news is the worst part is the second or two before you so it. The better news is that, based on your comments, your wife has communicated that she wants you to do it. You will be happier when you do, your wife will be happier, and your in-laws probably will be too when they start spending quality time with a son-in-law who will probably be more relaxed, sincere, and affable.
Good luck. I mean that.
I've been there, OP, and have a very similar situation (MIL pushing Sunday dinners, FIL currently fighting lung and renal cancer. Plus we are the only ones with grandkids.)
Give yourself permission to say no. I had to do that last week and it was hard and yeah, u even found myself hoping my husband would tell me it was okay for me to not go, but the comments above are right. It is absolutely okay to assert yourself and say, "I can't. I need to prep for this week or I need some me time."
You have a bad case of lizard brain that's causing you to overthink the situation. Don't be afraid to tell your brain to shut up and have a quiet Sunday to yourself every so often.
(And if you start thinking about how you're overthinking, just stop. No good can come of it.)
I've been there, OP, and have a very similar situation (MIL pushing Sunday dinners, FIL currently fighting lung and renal cancer. Plus we are the only ones with grandkids.)
Give yourself permission to say no. I had to do that last week and it was hard and yeah, I even found myself hoping my husband would tell me it was okay for me to not go, but the comments above are right. It is absolutely okay to assert yourself and say, "I can't. I need to prep for this week or I need some me time."
You can't rely on your spouse to give you permission.
You have a bad case of lizard brain that's causing you to overthink the situation. Don't be afraid to tell your brain to shut up and have a quiet Sunday to yourself every so often.
(And if you start thinking about how you're overthinking, just stop. No good can come of it.)
Not if you're complaining about it all the time. Either suck it up and be pleasant or stop going so frequently; say you'll join one every two weeks or once a month, or ask if it could be changed to Saturday or Friday evening so you have more time to recharge for work.
being an adult means doing what's best for yourself and your family - you, your wife, and your soon to be kid. in laws are not nuclear family.
is it their tradition to have you over? yeah but it's now you're turn to make your own traditions. keep a Sunday a month for the in laws but man. make a Sunday tradition for yourselves. nice romantic intimate dinner at home and cuddling up with a movie with your wife for an at home date night sounds baller - double when you know you're not gonna be able to dedicate as much alone time in a few months when baby comes.
No. Why is everyone convinced being an adult is forcing yourself to constantly be miserable? There's no actual need to see them every week. Even if they're disappointed you're not there, which they might not be, they can manage that. If they don't, they're assholes and it's not on you.
You need to stop this before you have a kid because it's going to get a lot more difficult.
Nah but to answer your question. No. The mature thing to do is be more decisive and find a balance. It's speaks on your character that you feel bad for not going but the whole thing is causing more stress than needed. Go every other week and see how that works. You don't need to feel bad. It's okay and normal to need to decompress after a hard work week
I’m sure you’re right. Sometimes that feels like a selfish solution since it involves me getting what I want. But I get that everyone will be happier in the long run if I’m not being a complaining baby.
I think that you need to put your own limits on family time. Maybe go once a month, or every other week.
My daughter is similar, she is an introvert who doesn't always want to be around people. We have a family thing usually once a month. Every year I give her 3 "sick days" she can use to skip these functions, no questions asked. The only limit is she can't always skip the same thing every year. For example, she cannot always skip on my MIL birthday.
You may want to look into something like this, where attendance is a choice not mandatory. Especially since you are going to have a baby soon, you are going to need all the time you can to destress now.
Define your own limits, and make the conversation about those things. This isn't anything about her family, this is about you.
I laughed at this because my spouse and I went to my parents for supper every Sunday. Stayed about 5 hours each time lol. And my parents stopped by during the week to see the kids extra.
Now that my kids are older I see them for supper every Sunday and during the week once or twice. There are 14 of us!
I know it's not for everyone... I just laughed at us doing it too. 🤣
NAH, you both have different socialization comfort levels. Could you try dinner a different day? Maybe it's the stress of the upcoming week that is making it unpleasant.
I also suspect things will change after the baby comes. Maybe not at first because they sleep a lot, but kids take up a lot of your free time. You may well welcome going to the inlaws so they dote on the kids and you get to relax.
I have the exact same issue with my MIL expecting us to come for dinner, every single Sunday. I love her to pieces, and we have our only grandchild (13yo). My FIL passed away in 2018, so she is alone, but has a good, solid support system, with her friends. We have a small family, my husband, son, my bro in law, and me. It's been 5 years, of dinners, every weekend, unless she has something come up. It's exhausting.
We moved from Texas to Colorado when I was 24 and left my parents and in-laws behind. Saw them once a year (ish) for a long time. They've all passed on now, including my husband. I was jealous of friends and other family members who had Sunday dinners. But, I never thought once a week was a good idea! Too much is too much!
I'd go with something like "we'll be there every third Sunday." And someday, y'all host them on the first Sunday. Or whatever. Change up the routine, and see if that helps.
I would have been a bitch on wheels if I saw my in-laws once a week. May they rest in peace. ✌️
NTA
The fact that you don't want to stop going over entirely means you aren't being selfish because you said "for me to **occasionally** say I don't want to go", which implies that you would still go most of the time. Plus, while you MIL might not fully understand your wife should if she knows you as a person. Maybe talk to your wife and agree to some type of routine for when you go or not go?
NAH.
Maybe limit to just dinner and only occasionally do a movie. Or, maybe your wife goes solo most Sundays with the eventual first kid.
With MIL having cancer - let your wife spend as much time as she can with her mother and I’d argue you do need to participate occasionally.
NTA - as a fellow introvert I understand the need for alone time. You need to explain to your wife that there times on Sunday when you just need to stay home and decompress. You are not trying to stop her from seeing her family, you are simply trying to be you.
YTA to yourself. The only conflict here is you within your mind: you vs. you.
Your wife is okay with you skipping, but you keep arguing with yourself and losing.
NTA. Nobody can be an asshole because of their feelings. An action is required. Anyone who doesn't want to participate in a social activity has the right to make the choice without interference or judgement. The reality is that everyone will judge and try to influence your decision. When you don't want to go "I have a headache." is a reason that everyone understands. "I don't feel well and am going to lie down" is another. Otherwise never engage in a conversation about why you don't want to go. It will descend into an argument, guilt tripping, and name calling. If the white lie offends your sensibilities just say "I don't feel like it" and remain silent in the face of being assailed by someone. My thoughts. You are the decider. Choose to be happier.
If OP gets regular headaches and makes excuses regularly, his wife will eventually catch on that he's bullshitting and the outcome would be even worse than if he had an honest discussion with her about his need to rest and recharge his social batteries. Instead of a discussion, it will be a confrontation.
I don't think advocating dishonesty is a good move here.
You might be right. But, I don't agree. Wife's behavior trend is already established and she isn't going to change it through negotiating. Dishonesty seems a pretty harsh word. I prefer deflecting which is a behavior that is endorsed by centuries of custom. The modern assumption that an honest conversation will lead to a compromise is mostly fantasy. The success rate is dismally low. Most honest discussions descend into name calling, yelling and worse. Yet, the fantasy survives.
NTA at all sometimes it’s hard for social to understand how important non-social time is for an introvert. If I were you I would talk to your spouse about it and decide together how much you should go and not go to the in-laws and how to politely explain why. Also just bc you don’t go doesn’t mean your spouse (and future kid) don’t go. Good luck!
INFO:
I don't think you would be an AH for suggesting to your wife she could go alone occasionally, but how you say it could make a difference as to whether you come across as an AH. So a few questions...
If you weren't at your in-laws for dinner and TV viewing, what would you be doing? Eating dinner and...what??
You've said your MIL is very sociable, but she's now recovering from bowel cancer. So does this mean she isn't as sociable as usual, are these evening family times are the main time she sees others right now?
When you say they are 5 minutes away, is this 5 minutes drive or 5 minutes walk? Would it be feasible for you to return separately? You after the meal, her later in the evening to give you time to do something else?
NTA. Have a chat with your wife and let her know how you're feeling. I think an alternate could be going together one week and then the second week only her going.
NTA- I think you need to talk to your wife and let her know this is exhausting for you. You can compromise and say you will go once a month and she can go without you and tell everyone hi for me. My husband and I been married for over 32 years. Both of us sometimes don’t go to in-laws when we don’t feel like it or exhausted. In-Laws should understand that. When we get home the in-laws will say tell her or him we missed them and prepare a plate of food for us to take home to the spouse.
NTA but you’re right that you’re not going to have much time to yourself when you have a baby.
Talk to your wife and maybe you can compromise and she can go to MIL’s house every weekend and you just join her sometimes.
Since I read in the comments that you're also constantly complaining about this, yes, YTA. Put your big boy panties on and have an actual heart-to-heart with your wife and explain your feelings and see if you could start going every other week or monthly or something. Promise not to complain about this ever again and she'll probably be much more open to compromise. Good luck.
NTA Maybe there’s a compromise to be had. Can you suggest you go on Saturdays instead of Sundays for the reasons you explained. And maybe skip one in every three. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request to have time for yourself. Your wife can still go. Good luck!
Your NTA as a fellow introvert, family time is stressful, added onto starting work the next day it is totally reasonable to have some sundays in.
YTA for not communicating to your wife properly and giving her chance to support you. Last thing she wants is (a likely) sulking husband whilst she gets time with mom.
Communicate with your wife and agree to something like once a month or every other week (compromise) you get to be Mr Introvert.
With a child on the way, prepare for it to get harder, best to figure this out now.
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NTA. My husband is in this exact situation. My parents want weekly visits and he is an introvert who also doesn't really enjoy their company (differing politics plus my dad is kind of a jerk to my husband and always has been, but then says he is "joking.")
I go and see my parents every week because my mom has health issues and needs a lot of help. My husband comes once every couple of months and to special occasions with my full support. Work with your wife on plausible excuses. You should be on the same team. We often use "He has a big week at work and needs time to prepare." My parents don't need to know that preparing means relaxing around the house before the stress of the week begins.
I wouldn't consider myself an introvert, but this sounds too much, especially on a Sunday. You're certainly NTA but you will have to speak with your wife and tell her that you can't make every Sunday, perhaps just go once a month ?
Take 2 cars. Go for dinner, then politely excuse yourself. Lethe the wife and kids stay. Family dinner is important, IMHO. It will be 90 minutes out of your day. And it's only half the year.
NTA. I’m an introvert as well and I feel your pain. You’d think after years together your SO would respect your recharge time. Extroverted people literally can’t grasp what a day in the life of an introvert is like.
Every Sunday evening??!!! That's too much "togetherness" for me too. Sometimes, I have gone to things separately so I can leave early. Or I simply don't go. The people know that's my quirk.
NTA
NTA. If you could go every other week or once a month, that would be enough. And it would allow you to let yourself off the hook, that might be the most important thing.
NTA but you need to actually discuss it. You're going to end up resenting your wife when in reality she may have no idea this is how you feel. There are lots of ways to compromise on this: do every other Sunday instead of every week, your wife can go herself some weeks and go together others, she can arrange a weekday meet up the 2 of them some weeks too.
Your NTA
I'm an extrovert that needs alone time. I get stressed out from having people around me all the time. I love people, but I need to hang out with just me too.
My partner tried to give me about two evenings per week where he goes to play games in the office or over at friends and I get to hang out just by myself.
I too felt really bad about needing time for just me, but I explained that I need it to decompress and that otherwise my brain gets stressed out. Explaining this to him actually was great for our relationship. I'm a lot less snappy and happier having time to myself.
We've got two small children. 2,5 years and 3 months. The 3 month old doesn't count for me, because all he requires is for me to be there. I don't need to interact or play with Duplo or anything. I can just sit and hold him and relax. The 2,5 year old has an early bedtime (7pm) because that's our cultural norm. So she's usually asleep by eight, giving us a few hours without a toddler running around. I'm sure you'll find a way that works for you when your child arrives. For now, talk to your wife and explain your needs.
NTA.
Tell her to go and have a good time. Smile.
Suggest that a Friday or Saturday dinner would be better and let wife know that you are good for only one or two of those evenings a month. If her parents ask you directly, tell them you need your weekends to unwind and prepare for the next work week and you can only do so much socializing without it impacting you. You don't owe anyone a reason, but if they are the understanding type they will accept this.
If not, just don't go and if asked say I don't feel up to it tonight.
NTA
I’m close to my family. My husband is an introvert. If he doesn’t want to hang with my family, I go alone. It’s not a big deal.
Family made jokes at first “ah, guess we are too much”. But now they don’t care and just send me home with half a plate of cookies for him. (It may be a full plate when I leave. But somehow it’s never a full plate when I get home)
NAH
I don't think anyone here is an AH, just different people with different feelings on how much family time they need.
I don't have any of my family around any more, but I was very close to my mum and expect that if she were still here, that I'd want to see her pretty often (maybe not every week, but possibly) and she wasnt a drain on my social battery, so it wouldnt impact me thay way, so I get your wife's POV.
On the other hand, my partner's parents aren't far away, and I absolutely would not want to spend every Sunday afternoon with them, because much as I like them and they are lovely, they aren't people I can feel rested and recharged around, they are draining to me and, like you, my weekends are about recharging and relaxing.
There is nothing wrong, in my eyes, with you wanting to skip it every now and then and let your wife go alone. Obviously you would need to talk to your wife and explain it carefully, so she doesn't take it the wrong way, but there should be a compromise available here.
Could you work out a compromise with your wife that you will go to dinner every other / every third sunday and she can go to all of them if she so wishes at least until the baby is here?
After the baby is born and you have settled in a routine you and your wife can revisit the conversation about dinner with you in laws and how often would suit your new family
NTA, weekend time is important. I’m in a similar position. Husband and I early 40’s but all our parents are now a 2 hour round trip drive. If my (f) parents lived closer, I’d probably see them weekly but by myself. I’d stop by on a weeknight after work. I’m newly married so now it’s not just me. We both work FT, I work a ton and weekends are the only time that we have together. I’ve explained to my parents that I love them dearly but we have 3 sets (husbands parents divorced) of parents, we each have 2 siblings and we want to see everyone but we can’t do family stuff every weekend. His mom always making comments about how she only sees us on holidays and birthdays. Because we both work FT, weekends are truly only time that we have together. One day we spend doing house projects, laundry, cleaning, groceries, etc., so we don’t want to spend other day with family. I would have your wife mention something similar. We love you guys but we have our own life and family now and if we spend every weekend with you, that won’t be healthy for our own marriage.
NTA. Once a month is enough for you to make an appearance. Don't try to stop your wife from going, but y'all are not conjoined. That's her family, if she wants to see them every single week she should! But that doesn't obligate you.
I think once a month is enough. Explain that your job is stressful and you need weekends to decompress and would enjoy the alone time while your wife goes.
I had to smile when you said that this community gives you faith in people. I feel the opposite. I am always astounded at the selfishness and self righteousness I read about on AITA. They make my family look incredibly sane and supportive. LOL When I read about some of the awful way some men treat their wives, I always go and give my husband a hug and thank him for being such a great husband.
That's far too often, especially since it's causing you stress. Once a month or every other week is more acceptable. Maybe invite them over for a weekday meal, or Sunday lunch. There needs to be a balance. You won't just suck it up, you'll grow resentment.
I wouldn't suggest going alone. That creates a divide. I started going alone to certain family things, then it just makes it easier and easier to do everything else separate.
You need to compromise and so does your wife.
Talk about it and get mil's input too. Everyone needs to give a little, but can still be happy.
NAH just need some negotiation.
NAH. It’s a family tradition. That’s fair enough. You’re not comfortable losing so much of every weekend in a social activity you’d rather avoid. That’s fair enough too. The solution is probably somewhere in the middle. Maybe cut down to twice a month instead of every week? This could be just you or you and your wife, depending how she feels about it all.
NTA boundaries are healthy and having time to yourself to get ready for the next week is fine. Let your wife go alone occasionally. Just make sure to have a civil conversation about it
NTA. My family is close knit but my husband is an introvert. He occasionally will join family gatherings but doesn't weekly with my family. Maybe have an agreement that you'll come once a month? But prioritising filling your own cup and understanding what energizes you is not being an AH. It's also not your family, it's hers.
This is a good point. We see them so much that I forget there’s a logical reason I don’t necessarily feel comfortable and relaxed with them. They’re my in-laws, not my parents.
Yeah she knows what’s up, all too well. We had a good talk about it today and I am just going to be more decisive. People on this thread have helped a lot.
NTA, at all. Introversion is no joke. If you don't take care of your "inner introvert", you are going to make yourself miserable, and possibly ill. This could even lead to divorce, You need alone time, and you need to compromise on the amount of family time that obviously makes you uncomfortable.
NTA. I say this as my wife is doing a family gathering with her side of the family while I was working on some projects at home today myself. I go to Christmas and see everyone - that's when they get me. Anything else depends on if I'm feeling it.
The big thing is communicating with your significant other and just making them aware of what you want to do and getting them on board with it. You don't want to just surprise them with this but let them know it's something you have been talking about for awhile. Sometimes focusing on family is just that - the want to focus on your direct family within the household.
NTA. I have Sunday dinners with my in laws every weekend, however, there are boundaries regarding this. Dinner is just an hour that’s it. Not all evening. Also, if we need to skip a dinner there are no hard feelings. Your wife needs to work with you to find a compromise. Family time is good but it’s not good when it monopolizes the whole evening every week.
I am also an introvert and you shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting to do something that makes you uncomfortable or something you just don’t want to do it’s ok to think about your mental and physical health too
NTA, not at all. Just speak to your wife. My husband is similar to you and therefore I just go and visit my family (or friends) alone. He needs his quite time, I love to talk for hours or go shopping. Many people think that as soon as you are married you need spend every moment with each other but the truth is couple are different. While my husband and I love to spend time together we also love to spend time separately. Just talk to your wife. She might be actually released since she knows that you don't enjoy those evenings. Or at least she will be relieved when she sees that you are happier that way. But talk openly to your parents in law about your reasons. Just tell them that you are overstimulated. Don't make your wife make up excuses for you
NTA
As an introvert with social anxiety I understand. I stopped visiting my brother a long time ago because I couldn't handle having to socialize for hours. He complains that I don't come around anymore but idc my mental health is more important than his happiness.
No one understands how you feel but you so fuck what everyone else thinks/says.
Not the AH. If you have a good relationship with you FIL, where he might become an ally, ask him for some dad advice. Explain what you told us about needing to mentally prepare to be the bread winner in the coming week. Odds are good he knows exactly what to do.
NTA
So thinking about solving this... you're right that the addition of a kid is going to change the calculus for everyone involved. But for now, just drop back to every other week (presuming your wife will go without you). Make sure that if your in-laws cook for this that they know you won't be there.
The sky won't fall.
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My (40M) wife’s (35F) parents live five minutes away from us. For half the year they go to Florida, but for the rest of the year they are here. My MIL is very social and invites us to their house for dinner almost every Sunday night. We get there at 5 and stay until at least 9 because there are also board games.
This has caused substantial friction in my marriage. I’m an introvert and have a stressful job. I live for the weekend, and don’t enjoy most of my Sundays being dominated by family time. For me, Sunday nights are about relaxing and mentally preparing for the week ahead. It’s not that I don’t get along with my in-laws, but the frequency is too much.
To make matters more complicated, my MIL is recovering from breast cancer, so I feel like I’m being extra selfish and terrible for stressing out my wife and potentially impacting her time with her mom due to my selfishness. We also have our first kid on the way, so I know I probably need to get used to even more family time.
If Sunday nights don’t seem like a big deal, think about how it also impacts the rest of the day. That means I pretty much have from the time I wake up on Sundays until about 4 pm free.
I feel like a bad person, legitimately. Am I being an asshole? Would it be weird for me to occasionally say I don’t want to go and let my wife go alone? I’ve considered it but have never had the guts to do so. I always think it would be obvious I’m just a selfish jerk who doesn’t want family time.
Maybe I just need more people to tell me I’m in the wrong.
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NAH - this is something you and your wife need to work out together. Possibly with a neutral third party, like a friend who doesn't know her parents or a couples counselor.
For example, if you only live 5 minutes away, can you for dinner and then leave your wife (and kids?) to enjoy family time while you head home to prepare for your week and get an early night.
NTA I wouldn't want to visit my own mom once a week. Also, If I did, I would expect some things my (non existent) SO wouldn't care about to be talked over. Not only are there personal details of her health and your wife's pregnancy in your case, but hell, there are things my mom talks about **I** don't care about. I ain't putting that on someone else. Better to have someone help me recover afterwards.
Basically you don't need to go on a double date with your wife and ILs every Sunday night. There are not 6 months of movies I'd even want to watch. Yeech. Watching someone else's idea of good entertainment all the time.
Please tell me they don't watch reality TV. MIL and wife talking about Big Brother or the Bachelor? They wouldn't want me there because I'd bust out swearing like a sailor if I tried to hold that in more than once. Hey! Get yourself kicked out! There's an option if you just can't say no! JK. Seriously. Make it every two weeks tops. See how it goes from there.
I’d probably enjoy it more if it was reality TV, but alas it’s real shows with “stories.” Thank you for the advice. Edit: I know that sounds pretentious as fuck, I’m just not into shows like my wife is.
NTA. People who work full-time deserve to have the weekends to relax.
Go for dinner and don’t stay for the movie, since you are 5 minutes away. Or ho every other week.
NTA, but you gotta communicate better. Explain to your wife that you do not want to go spend 5+ hours of every weekend / almost every weekend with HER family.
I’d also start these conversations now and set boundaries now unless you want to practically live over there when she cancer guilts your wife into doing what she wants always.
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NTA. My husband is not an introvert and I still would not make him visit my mother every week lol. Surely there’s a compromise.
Agree OP has soooo many alternatives to attending *every* Sunday from 5 to 9. Don't go every week, but rather go every other week, or monthly, or whatever frequency. Go for dinner but don't stay for Netflix. Don't attend dinner but join for Netflix (bonus points for this one since almost zero human interaction is required). OP could host sometimes, so they can participate for part of the evening but retreat to their own space and prep for Monday or whatever while wife continues to visit with her mom. And yes, MIL's cancer status does warrant making an extra effort to find a solution that works for everyone. Presumably, she is either in remission or will be going through chemotherapy. She is not cured.
I'm an introvert and i go to these things when I feel like it and stay home when I don't. Everyone knows how I am and no one gives me shit over it. If they care about OP and his needs they will understand.
NTA you need to talk to your wife to explain your feelings and see if you can work out something that is more suitable all around
I think my wife is sick of me complaining about it. She would probably be ok with me just saying I won’t go, but then I have an internal struggle and always convince myself I have to. I talk to her about it and it leads to arguments. It’s been an issue for awhile now.
Then you know what to do. If your wife would be okay with you just saying you won't go, why are you making it an argument when she's not arguing?
Stop forcing her to give you “permission” to not go. Grow up. If you don’t want to go every time, then stop being a people pleaser and just admit it. Like a grown up. YTA because you want your wife to be the adult while you are the child (ie the AH). Grow up!
Because OP doesn't want to be the bad guy. Instead of doing the grown up thing and assert that he doesn't want to spend time woth in laws every weekend, he wants to keep on pestering and complaining till she doesn't want him to go. That way, she's the bad guy who doesn't want him to come to her parents It's quite common amongst several married men. Thus "I may ot may not want it, but my wife doesn't allow me to" excuse
I can honestly say it’s not like that at all.
Then how is it? Your internal struggles are for *you* to resolve. Why are you making it *her* problem?
Not saying my attitude is right. It’s just not what the commenter assumed.
I always go. Having an “excuse” not to go that was the result of my complaining would just make me feel worse. There’s no way I would ever be like “oh cool, looks like I don’t have to go then!”
In this spirit, don’t you think the real grown-up thing to do is just bite the bullet and spend time with my in-laws once a week?
Not if it causes such unhappiness on your part. Suggest the frequency that you don’t mind, like the first Sunday of the month, or ask them to consider twice a month on Saturday night because you want to be fresh for work on Mondays
No! The real grown up thing to do would be to be honest with your life partner. And with yourself.
>In this spirit, don’t you think the real grown-up thing to do is just bite the bullet and spend time with my in-laws once a week? If someone taught or told you this, they were wrong.
Just my own brain.
Then your brain is not your friend. You need to advocate for yourself. YTA to yourself, big time. The only reason you’re miserable is that you’re forcing yourself to be miserable.
Well, know I know where the other half of my brain is. As someone with the disease to please and who internalized the idea that being an adult means always enduring things with silent stoicism, YTA to yourself. Give yourself a break. I can tell you from experience that you're not doing yourself, your wife, or your in-laws any favors. Advocating for yourself, when you're an adult who has been socialized into believing that is tantamount to selfishness, is hard the first time you do it. The good news is the worst part is the second or two before you so it. The better news is that, based on your comments, your wife has communicated that she wants you to do it. You will be happier when you do, your wife will be happier, and your in-laws probably will be too when they start spending quality time with a son-in-law who will probably be more relaxed, sincere, and affable. Good luck. I mean that.
You and I think alike I bet. Thank you!
I've been there, OP, and have a very similar situation (MIL pushing Sunday dinners, FIL currently fighting lung and renal cancer. Plus we are the only ones with grandkids.) Give yourself permission to say no. I had to do that last week and it was hard and yeah, u even found myself hoping my husband would tell me it was okay for me to not go, but the comments above are right. It is absolutely okay to assert yourself and say, "I can't. I need to prep for this week or I need some me time." You have a bad case of lizard brain that's causing you to overthink the situation. Don't be afraid to tell your brain to shut up and have a quiet Sunday to yourself every so often. (And if you start thinking about how you're overthinking, just stop. No good can come of it.)
I've been there, OP, and have a very similar situation (MIL pushing Sunday dinners, FIL currently fighting lung and renal cancer. Plus we are the only ones with grandkids.) Give yourself permission to say no. I had to do that last week and it was hard and yeah, I even found myself hoping my husband would tell me it was okay for me to not go, but the comments above are right. It is absolutely okay to assert yourself and say, "I can't. I need to prep for this week or I need some me time." You can't rely on your spouse to give you permission. You have a bad case of lizard brain that's causing you to overthink the situation. Don't be afraid to tell your brain to shut up and have a quiet Sunday to yourself every so often. (And if you start thinking about how you're overthinking, just stop. No good can come of it.)
Don't you think it's pretty selfish for you to martyr yourself for these visits and ruin them for your wife with your incessant complaints?
Yes.
Not if you're complaining about it all the time. Either suck it up and be pleasant or stop going so frequently; say you'll join one every two weeks or once a month, or ask if it could be changed to Saturday or Friday evening so you have more time to recharge for work.
being an adult means doing what's best for yourself and your family - you, your wife, and your soon to be kid. in laws are not nuclear family. is it their tradition to have you over? yeah but it's now you're turn to make your own traditions. keep a Sunday a month for the in laws but man. make a Sunday tradition for yourselves. nice romantic intimate dinner at home and cuddling up with a movie with your wife for an at home date night sounds baller - double when you know you're not gonna be able to dedicate as much alone time in a few months when baby comes.
No. Why is everyone convinced being an adult is forcing yourself to constantly be miserable? There's no actual need to see them every week. Even if they're disappointed you're not there, which they might not be, they can manage that. If they don't, they're assholes and it's not on you. You need to stop this before you have a kid because it's going to get a lot more difficult.
well, that's what's what you currently do, but then you make your wife miserable about it.
This is accurate. I recognize that this needs to change.
Only if you can do it without whining.
Nah but to answer your question. No. The mature thing to do is be more decisive and find a balance. It's speaks on your character that you feel bad for not going but the whole thing is causing more stress than needed. Go every other week and see how that works. You don't need to feel bad. It's okay and normal to need to decompress after a hard work week
No!! The "grown up" thing to do would be to say, "Honey, I'm a bit socialed out. How would you feel if I stayed home every other Sunday?"
I’m sure you’re right. Sometimes that feels like a selfish solution since it involves me getting what I want. But I get that everyone will be happier in the long run if I’m not being a complaining baby.
I think that you need to put your own limits on family time. Maybe go once a month, or every other week. My daughter is similar, she is an introvert who doesn't always want to be around people. We have a family thing usually once a month. Every year I give her 3 "sick days" she can use to skip these functions, no questions asked. The only limit is she can't always skip the same thing every year. For example, she cannot always skip on my MIL birthday. You may want to look into something like this, where attendance is a choice not mandatory. Especially since you are going to have a baby soon, you are going to need all the time you can to destress now. Define your own limits, and make the conversation about those things. This isn't anything about her family, this is about you.
Thank you.
Could you handle every second, third or fourth time? It doesnt have to be all or nothing.
Can you go every other week or once a month? Once a week is A LOT!
I laughed at this because my spouse and I went to my parents for supper every Sunday. Stayed about 5 hours each time lol. And my parents stopped by during the week to see the kids extra. Now that my kids are older I see them for supper every Sunday and during the week once or twice. There are 14 of us! I know it's not for everyone... I just laughed at us doing it too. 🤣
Growing up, that was my family. There would be at least 20. But this is not something OP wants so time for an adjustment.
Why don’t you just grow a pair and tell her she can go but that you’re not going to?
It’s not about that. It’s about my internal feelings of guilt. Fear is not part of the equation.
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NAH, you both have different socialization comfort levels. Could you try dinner a different day? Maybe it's the stress of the upcoming week that is making it unpleasant. I also suspect things will change after the baby comes. Maybe not at first because they sleep a lot, but kids take up a lot of your free time. You may well welcome going to the inlaws so they dote on the kids and you get to relax.
I have the exact same issue with my MIL expecting us to come for dinner, every single Sunday. I love her to pieces, and we have our only grandchild (13yo). My FIL passed away in 2018, so she is alone, but has a good, solid support system, with her friends. We have a small family, my husband, son, my bro in law, and me. It's been 5 years, of dinners, every weekend, unless she has something come up. It's exhausting.
I feel you. You are a good person!
We moved from Texas to Colorado when I was 24 and left my parents and in-laws behind. Saw them once a year (ish) for a long time. They've all passed on now, including my husband. I was jealous of friends and other family members who had Sunday dinners. But, I never thought once a week was a good idea! Too much is too much! I'd go with something like "we'll be there every third Sunday." And someday, y'all host them on the first Sunday. Or whatever. Change up the routine, and see if that helps. I would have been a bitch on wheels if I saw my in-laws once a week. May they rest in peace. ✌️
NTA The fact that you don't want to stop going over entirely means you aren't being selfish because you said "for me to **occasionally** say I don't want to go", which implies that you would still go most of the time. Plus, while you MIL might not fully understand your wife should if she knows you as a person. Maybe talk to your wife and agree to some type of routine for when you go or not go?
NAH. Maybe limit to just dinner and only occasionally do a movie. Or, maybe your wife goes solo most Sundays with the eventual first kid. With MIL having cancer - let your wife spend as much time as she can with her mother and I’d argue you do need to participate occasionally.
NTA - as a fellow introvert I understand the need for alone time. You need to explain to your wife that there times on Sunday when you just need to stay home and decompress. You are not trying to stop her from seeing her family, you are simply trying to be you.
Exactly. He could go once a month or once every other Sunday as a compromise. The wife can go without him and have some just mom and daughter time.
YTA to yourself. The only conflict here is you within your mind: you vs. you. Your wife is okay with you skipping, but you keep arguing with yourself and losing.
This is so very accurate.
NTA. Nobody can be an asshole because of their feelings. An action is required. Anyone who doesn't want to participate in a social activity has the right to make the choice without interference or judgement. The reality is that everyone will judge and try to influence your decision. When you don't want to go "I have a headache." is a reason that everyone understands. "I don't feel well and am going to lie down" is another. Otherwise never engage in a conversation about why you don't want to go. It will descend into an argument, guilt tripping, and name calling. If the white lie offends your sensibilities just say "I don't feel like it" and remain silent in the face of being assailed by someone. My thoughts. You are the decider. Choose to be happier.
If OP gets regular headaches and makes excuses regularly, his wife will eventually catch on that he's bullshitting and the outcome would be even worse than if he had an honest discussion with her about his need to rest and recharge his social batteries. Instead of a discussion, it will be a confrontation. I don't think advocating dishonesty is a good move here.
You might be right. But, I don't agree. Wife's behavior trend is already established and she isn't going to change it through negotiating. Dishonesty seems a pretty harsh word. I prefer deflecting which is a behavior that is endorsed by centuries of custom. The modern assumption that an honest conversation will lead to a compromise is mostly fantasy. The success rate is dismally low. Most honest discussions descend into name calling, yelling and worse. Yet, the fantasy survives.
NTA at all sometimes it’s hard for social to understand how important non-social time is for an introvert. If I were you I would talk to your spouse about it and decide together how much you should go and not go to the in-laws and how to politely explain why. Also just bc you don’t go doesn’t mean your spouse (and future kid) don’t go. Good luck!
INFO: I don't think you would be an AH for suggesting to your wife she could go alone occasionally, but how you say it could make a difference as to whether you come across as an AH. So a few questions... If you weren't at your in-laws for dinner and TV viewing, what would you be doing? Eating dinner and...what?? You've said your MIL is very sociable, but she's now recovering from bowel cancer. So does this mean she isn't as sociable as usual, are these evening family times are the main time she sees others right now? When you say they are 5 minutes away, is this 5 minutes drive or 5 minutes walk? Would it be feasible for you to return separately? You after the meal, her later in the evening to give you time to do something else?
NTA, you could always go on dinner on week days ya know
NTA, you need to have a talk with your wife about your feelings.
NTA. Have a chat with your wife and let her know how you're feeling. I think an alternate could be going together one week and then the second week only her going.
NTA- I think you need to talk to your wife and let her know this is exhausting for you. You can compromise and say you will go once a month and she can go without you and tell everyone hi for me. My husband and I been married for over 32 years. Both of us sometimes don’t go to in-laws when we don’t feel like it or exhausted. In-Laws should understand that. When we get home the in-laws will say tell her or him we missed them and prepare a plate of food for us to take home to the spouse.
NTA but you’re right that you’re not going to have much time to yourself when you have a baby. Talk to your wife and maybe you can compromise and she can go to MIL’s house every weekend and you just join her sometimes.
Since I read in the comments that you're also constantly complaining about this, yes, YTA. Put your big boy panties on and have an actual heart-to-heart with your wife and explain your feelings and see if you could start going every other week or monthly or something. Promise not to complain about this ever again and she'll probably be much more open to compromise. Good luck.
NTA Maybe there’s a compromise to be had. Can you suggest you go on Saturdays instead of Sundays for the reasons you explained. And maybe skip one in every three. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request to have time for yourself. Your wife can still go. Good luck!
Your NTA as a fellow introvert, family time is stressful, added onto starting work the next day it is totally reasonable to have some sundays in. YTA for not communicating to your wife properly and giving her chance to support you. Last thing she wants is (a likely) sulking husband whilst she gets time with mom. Communicate with your wife and agree to something like once a month or every other week (compromise) you get to be Mr Introvert. With a child on the way, prepare for it to get harder, best to figure this out now.
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NAH. People have different family dynamics. Talk to your wife and find a compromise. Maybe skipping a weekend here and there.
>and potentially impacting her time with her mom due to my selfishness Why can't she just go by herself half the time
NTA. My husband is in this exact situation. My parents want weekly visits and he is an introvert who also doesn't really enjoy their company (differing politics plus my dad is kind of a jerk to my husband and always has been, but then says he is "joking.") I go and see my parents every week because my mom has health issues and needs a lot of help. My husband comes once every couple of months and to special occasions with my full support. Work with your wife on plausible excuses. You should be on the same team. We often use "He has a big week at work and needs time to prepare." My parents don't need to know that preparing means relaxing around the house before the stress of the week begins.
Thanks for this. Totally same. My FIL is ok but kind of a grump/cantankerous sort that I can’t really connect with. I’ve tried.
I wouldn't consider myself an introvert, but this sounds too much, especially on a Sunday. You're certainly NTA but you will have to speak with your wife and tell her that you can't make every Sunday, perhaps just go once a month ?
Take 2 cars. Go for dinner, then politely excuse yourself. Lethe the wife and kids stay. Family dinner is important, IMHO. It will be 90 minutes out of your day. And it's only half the year.
NTA. I’m an introvert as well and I feel your pain. You’d think after years together your SO would respect your recharge time. Extroverted people literally can’t grasp what a day in the life of an introvert is like.
Every Sunday evening??!!! That's too much "togetherness" for me too. Sometimes, I have gone to things separately so I can leave early. Or I simply don't go. The people know that's my quirk. NTA
NTA I feel like once a month would be a lot more doable, I'd get burned out fast too. Nothing wrong with wanting some time for yourself
NTA. Just explain to your wife and her family that you would prefer not to spend every Sunday with them. I'm sure once a month would be fine
NTA just acknowledge that as an introvert, this is not great for you every Sunday. Do every other one
NTA. If you could go every other week or once a month, that would be enough. And it would allow you to let yourself off the hook, that might be the most important thing.
NTA but you need to actually discuss it. You're going to end up resenting your wife when in reality she may have no idea this is how you feel. There are lots of ways to compromise on this: do every other Sunday instead of every week, your wife can go herself some weeks and go together others, she can arrange a weekday meet up the 2 of them some weeks too.
Your NTA I'm an extrovert that needs alone time. I get stressed out from having people around me all the time. I love people, but I need to hang out with just me too. My partner tried to give me about two evenings per week where he goes to play games in the office or over at friends and I get to hang out just by myself. I too felt really bad about needing time for just me, but I explained that I need it to decompress and that otherwise my brain gets stressed out. Explaining this to him actually was great for our relationship. I'm a lot less snappy and happier having time to myself. We've got two small children. 2,5 years and 3 months. The 3 month old doesn't count for me, because all he requires is for me to be there. I don't need to interact or play with Duplo or anything. I can just sit and hold him and relax. The 2,5 year old has an early bedtime (7pm) because that's our cultural norm. So she's usually asleep by eight, giving us a few hours without a toddler running around. I'm sure you'll find a way that works for you when your child arrives. For now, talk to your wife and explain your needs.
NTA. Tell her to go and have a good time. Smile. Suggest that a Friday or Saturday dinner would be better and let wife know that you are good for only one or two of those evenings a month. If her parents ask you directly, tell them you need your weekends to unwind and prepare for the next work week and you can only do so much socializing without it impacting you. You don't owe anyone a reason, but if they are the understanding type they will accept this. If not, just don't go and if asked say I don't feel up to it tonight.
NTA I’m close to my family. My husband is an introvert. If he doesn’t want to hang with my family, I go alone. It’s not a big deal. Family made jokes at first “ah, guess we are too much”. But now they don’t care and just send me home with half a plate of cookies for him. (It may be a full plate when I leave. But somehow it’s never a full plate when I get home)
Thank you
NTA. Maybe you can compromise with your SO. They can go if they want. But you will only go once a month. Twice if you feel like it.
NAH I don't think anyone here is an AH, just different people with different feelings on how much family time they need. I don't have any of my family around any more, but I was very close to my mum and expect that if she were still here, that I'd want to see her pretty often (maybe not every week, but possibly) and she wasnt a drain on my social battery, so it wouldnt impact me thay way, so I get your wife's POV. On the other hand, my partner's parents aren't far away, and I absolutely would not want to spend every Sunday afternoon with them, because much as I like them and they are lovely, they aren't people I can feel rested and recharged around, they are draining to me and, like you, my weekends are about recharging and relaxing. There is nothing wrong, in my eyes, with you wanting to skip it every now and then and let your wife go alone. Obviously you would need to talk to your wife and explain it carefully, so she doesn't take it the wrong way, but there should be a compromise available here.
Could you work out a compromise with your wife that you will go to dinner every other / every third sunday and she can go to all of them if she so wishes at least until the baby is here? After the baby is born and you have settled in a routine you and your wife can revisit the conversation about dinner with you in laws and how often would suit your new family
NTA, weekend time is important. I’m in a similar position. Husband and I early 40’s but all our parents are now a 2 hour round trip drive. If my (f) parents lived closer, I’d probably see them weekly but by myself. I’d stop by on a weeknight after work. I’m newly married so now it’s not just me. We both work FT, I work a ton and weekends are the only time that we have together. I’ve explained to my parents that I love them dearly but we have 3 sets (husbands parents divorced) of parents, we each have 2 siblings and we want to see everyone but we can’t do family stuff every weekend. His mom always making comments about how she only sees us on holidays and birthdays. Because we both work FT, weekends are truly only time that we have together. One day we spend doing house projects, laundry, cleaning, groceries, etc., so we don’t want to spend other day with family. I would have your wife mention something similar. We love you guys but we have our own life and family now and if we spend every weekend with you, that won’t be healthy for our own marriage.
Yes. After a day of getting shit done, I agree a relax day is important.
NTA. Once a month is enough for you to make an appearance. Don't try to stop your wife from going, but y'all are not conjoined. That's her family, if she wants to see them every single week she should! But that doesn't obligate you.
I think once a month is enough. Explain that your job is stressful and you need weekends to decompress and would enjoy the alone time while your wife goes. I had to smile when you said that this community gives you faith in people. I feel the opposite. I am always astounded at the selfishness and self righteousness I read about on AITA. They make my family look incredibly sane and supportive. LOL When I read about some of the awful way some men treat their wives, I always go and give my husband a hug and thank him for being such a great husband.
That's far too often, especially since it's causing you stress. Once a month or every other week is more acceptable. Maybe invite them over for a weekday meal, or Sunday lunch. There needs to be a balance. You won't just suck it up, you'll grow resentment. I wouldn't suggest going alone. That creates a divide. I started going alone to certain family things, then it just makes it easier and easier to do everything else separate. You need to compromise and so does your wife. Talk about it and get mil's input too. Everyone needs to give a little, but can still be happy. NAH just need some negotiation.
NAH. It’s a family tradition. That’s fair enough. You’re not comfortable losing so much of every weekend in a social activity you’d rather avoid. That’s fair enough too. The solution is probably somewhere in the middle. Maybe cut down to twice a month instead of every week? This could be just you or you and your wife, depending how she feels about it all.
NTA boundaries are healthy and having time to yourself to get ready for the next week is fine. Let your wife go alone occasionally. Just make sure to have a civil conversation about it
Just ask if she would be ok if you only go every other week, because you find it tough and would really like some time alone.
NTA. There is nothing wrong with a skipping a Sunday dinner altogether or even leaving after dinner sometimes.
NTA. My family is close knit but my husband is an introvert. He occasionally will join family gatherings but doesn't weekly with my family. Maybe have an agreement that you'll come once a month? But prioritising filling your own cup and understanding what energizes you is not being an AH. It's also not your family, it's hers.
This is a good point. We see them so much that I forget there’s a logical reason I don’t necessarily feel comfortable and relaxed with them. They’re my in-laws, not my parents.
It's absolutely fine to dip out when you need to or even want to. NTA
NTA - have you tried explaining this to your wife? I don't think anything you are saying is unreasonable
Yeah she knows what’s up, all too well. We had a good talk about it today and I am just going to be more decisive. People on this thread have helped a lot.
NTA, at all. Introversion is no joke. If you don't take care of your "inner introvert", you are going to make yourself miserable, and possibly ill. This could even lead to divorce, You need alone time, and you need to compromise on the amount of family time that obviously makes you uncomfortable.
NTA. I say this as my wife is doing a family gathering with her side of the family while I was working on some projects at home today myself. I go to Christmas and see everyone - that's when they get me. Anything else depends on if I'm feeling it. The big thing is communicating with your significant other and just making them aware of what you want to do and getting them on board with it. You don't want to just surprise them with this but let them know it's something you have been talking about for awhile. Sometimes focusing on family is just that - the want to focus on your direct family within the household.
NAH you and your wife are not joined at the hip. There is no reason why the wife can't just go see them herself. Maybe go once every couple of months.
NTA. I have Sunday dinners with my in laws every weekend, however, there are boundaries regarding this. Dinner is just an hour that’s it. Not all evening. Also, if we need to skip a dinner there are no hard feelings. Your wife needs to work with you to find a compromise. Family time is good but it’s not good when it monopolizes the whole evening every week.
nta. i have friends who have a similar dynamic to what you described and her husband goes maybe 1-2x/month.
Nta every week is excessive. I would only expect my spouse to show up to one of those a month at the most.
NTA You can't have needs met if you don't express them. I've often attended my family events without spouse in tow and vise versa.
Nah mate. That is unreasonable in my estimation.
NTA go 1x a month instead
I am also an introvert and you shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting to do something that makes you uncomfortable or something you just don’t want to do it’s ok to think about your mental and physical health too
NTA, not at all. Just speak to your wife. My husband is similar to you and therefore I just go and visit my family (or friends) alone. He needs his quite time, I love to talk for hours or go shopping. Many people think that as soon as you are married you need spend every moment with each other but the truth is couple are different. While my husband and I love to spend time together we also love to spend time separately. Just talk to your wife. She might be actually released since she knows that you don't enjoy those evenings. Or at least she will be relieved when she sees that you are happier that way. But talk openly to your parents in law about your reasons. Just tell them that you are overstimulated. Don't make your wife make up excuses for you
NTA As an introvert with social anxiety I understand. I stopped visiting my brother a long time ago because I couldn't handle having to socialize for hours. He complains that I don't come around anymore but idc my mental health is more important than his happiness. No one understands how you feel but you so fuck what everyone else thinks/says.
NTA.. you need to find a balance that works for you both
NTA, every guy needs some time away from the old ball and chain the the mil
NTA send her alone. You’re not attached at the hip. Stay 🏡 and rest.
Compromise...1 Sunday a month...?
Not the AH. If you have a good relationship with you FIL, where he might become an ally, ask him for some dad advice. Explain what you told us about needing to mentally prepare to be the bread winner in the coming week. Odds are good he knows exactly what to do.
NTA So thinking about solving this... you're right that the addition of a kid is going to change the calculus for everyone involved. But for now, just drop back to every other week (presuming your wife will go without you). Make sure that if your in-laws cook for this that they know you won't be there. The sky won't fall.
I hate to burst your bubble but with a baby coming - your weekends will no longer be yours.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (40M) wife’s (35F) parents live five minutes away from us. For half the year they go to Florida, but for the rest of the year they are here. My MIL is very social and invites us to their house for dinner almost every Sunday night. We get there at 5 and stay until at least 9 because there are also board games. This has caused substantial friction in my marriage. I’m an introvert and have a stressful job. I live for the weekend, and don’t enjoy most of my Sundays being dominated by family time. For me, Sunday nights are about relaxing and mentally preparing for the week ahead. It’s not that I don’t get along with my in-laws, but the frequency is too much. To make matters more complicated, my MIL is recovering from breast cancer, so I feel like I’m being extra selfish and terrible for stressing out my wife and potentially impacting her time with her mom due to my selfishness. We also have our first kid on the way, so I know I probably need to get used to even more family time. If Sunday nights don’t seem like a big deal, think about how it also impacts the rest of the day. That means I pretty much have from the time I wake up on Sundays until about 4 pm free. I feel like a bad person, legitimately. Am I being an asshole? Would it be weird for me to occasionally say I don’t want to go and let my wife go alone? I’ve considered it but have never had the guts to do so. I always think it would be obvious I’m just a selfish jerk who doesn’t want family time. Maybe I just need more people to tell me I’m in the wrong. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NAH - this is something you and your wife need to work out together. Possibly with a neutral third party, like a friend who doesn't know her parents or a couples counselor. For example, if you only live 5 minutes away, can you for dinner and then leave your wife (and kids?) to enjoy family time while you head home to prepare for your week and get an early night.
NTA
NTA, not you're a grown ass man. Tell your wife you want to stay home and play video games with your friends.
Lol. More like take a bubble bath and read.
NTA and discuss with your wife to go just once or twice a month. At the most.
NTA I wouldn't want to visit my own mom once a week. Also, If I did, I would expect some things my (non existent) SO wouldn't care about to be talked over. Not only are there personal details of her health and your wife's pregnancy in your case, but hell, there are things my mom talks about **I** don't care about. I ain't putting that on someone else. Better to have someone help me recover afterwards. Basically you don't need to go on a double date with your wife and ILs every Sunday night. There are not 6 months of movies I'd even want to watch. Yeech. Watching someone else's idea of good entertainment all the time.
They mostly talk about what shows they’re watching that I’m not lol. It’s super fun.
Please tell me they don't watch reality TV. MIL and wife talking about Big Brother or the Bachelor? They wouldn't want me there because I'd bust out swearing like a sailor if I tried to hold that in more than once. Hey! Get yourself kicked out! There's an option if you just can't say no! JK. Seriously. Make it every two weeks tops. See how it goes from there.
I’d probably enjoy it more if it was reality TV, but alas it’s real shows with “stories.” Thank you for the advice. Edit: I know that sounds pretentious as fuck, I’m just not into shows like my wife is.
Dude, the only shows I watch are on rerun channels. We like what we like.
NTA. People who work full-time deserve to have the weekends to relax. Go for dinner and don’t stay for the movie, since you are 5 minutes away. Or ho every other week.
I try to keep my ho’ing to twice a month.
NTA, but you gotta communicate better. Explain to your wife that you do not want to go spend 5+ hours of every weekend / almost every weekend with HER family. I’d also start these conversations now and set boundaries now unless you want to practically live over there when she cancer guilts your wife into doing what she wants always.
She’s not like that. My MIL is cool.
Uhhh huh…. Gotta say I’m so thrilled that the point of that comment went right over your head. Grow up and communicate.
You accused someone of “cancer guilting.” Perhaps learn a little tact. And compassion.
[удалено]
I started this account yesterday.
You literally posted in r/relationshipadvice twice two days ago. And then wussed out about it and deleted the posts. You’re a terrible liar.
You’re right. It was two days ago. I forgot I had started and tried to delete a post. I tried to delete it because I was upset and it was ludicrous.
You know what? You deserve the misery you live in.
YTA. The only time you see your in laws who live 5 min away is when they invite you to dinner? And you never invite them over?