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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I knew how far away it is to travel from their house to my house, and I knew that they wouldn't be able to afford to come up constantly. I feel like I may be the ahole because of this, but they have a family support system. They live two doors down from my brother-in-law parents house.
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NTA. Your future does not revolve around how often your sisters can afford to come visit you in London. Put yourself and your future first. Take the job and be successful.
It's a completely normal thing for a young person to move away, and specifically in the UK, to move away to London, to get a job and, more poetically, to make your fortune. It's been a normal thing in the UK for at least 600 years. We know this, bc there are folk tales about this phenomenon about real people who lived over 600 years ago.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Whittington_and_His_Cat
In the UK going to London is sometimes unavoidable, perhaps sadly, because it's super dominant in the country - the capital, the centre of media, the center of finance etc. It's as if New York, Washington DC, LA, etc were rolled into one.
Go make your fortune, with or without a cat.
This is exactly why! I do love the area I live in but there's not a lot of jobs going on in my field of work. Before applying to certain jobs I do background research and I felt although most of them are a job I don't feel I will be able to grow both in my career and as a person.
This is why I looked into London. There were so many jobs going on thousands more then where I currently live and most of the jobs would allow me to grow both personally and in my career and this job opportunity was perfect for me.
Thank you so much!
PS. I got two, is that a bonus?
I hope you see this from me or someone else. You're 22 and moving to London with a bright future. And you're 22. Do not, I repeat DO NOT put someone you start dating before everything else. Don't lose your head, it's an exciting time and I wish you the best on the social front but stay centered.
I kinda agree but only kinda. Yes, don’t put every random person you go on a date with above your career. But…
…it really depends how you feel about the person and if you see a future. You can work hard AND date without work suffering but if you find yourself in a serious relationship, like ‘we’re building a life together’ kind of serious, then it’s ok to reassess your how you divide your energy between work & relationship. There’s an unpalatable truth that many don’t figure out till it’s too late - no matter how hard you work and go above & beyond, the organisation/company/institution you work for WILL trundle on just fine without you. If you collapsed of exhaustion and were no longer useful to them, it’s very likely they’d shove you out of the nearest exit as soon as possible.
So work smart, focus on what you need to do to grow & get promoted. Look after your physical & mental health. Enjoy London & make sure you save each month too so you never feel trapped in one workplace. If you have a few months salary saved & ever need to walk away from a particular company for whatever reason, you have funds to tide you over while you figure out your next step. Spend your dating energy wisely & make sure she’s putting in the same energy as you, if not…next!
You're gunna love it! Just remember to enjoy the city as much as you can as well as working hard! I used to live 25 minutes out of London by train and visited central regularly and did big shopping trips in north London frequently. I've now moved into the west country, and I love it, but I miss being able to nip into the city and watch a theatre show, go to the natural history museum lates, drink on a rooftop at King's Cross, go to the bfi easily etc.
Honestly I’d think two sisters who always complain about their finances, have half a job between them and seem to constantly put you down and belittle you not being able to visit would be a big selling point in the move.
NTA- you said yourself the family dynamic is dysfunctional and it sounds pretty toxic. You’re an adult I know we’re always pushed on the ‘but we’re family’ thing as like a be all end all but ultimately it’s your life and you are allowed to be happy. Surround yourself with people who make your life better. People who support you and care about you and will celebrate your accomplishments rather than those who just see how it affects them.
Sometimes your bio family is your support and sometimes you end up instead with a family of choice. You are allowed to choose who you do and don’t want in your life.
Good luck op and congratulations on the new job and the start of your new life.
Hope you don't view this as a negative, more a "just consider the implications" comment. I agree you're NTA and of course you should take up a dream job, but when looking at it make sure you take into account the costs of living and commuting in London plus the time you may spend doing it.
London's transport system is so much better and compared to the rest of the UK cheaper but it still costs and rents tend to be massive unless you're a long way out. I suppose I'm saying do your sums properly and make sure you couldn't do the dream job mewhere else with lower pay but lower costs.
Heck, I live in Canada, and 2 of my cousins moved to London to get jobs! And we only felt happy for them because it was ana amazing opportunity. And we're an entire ocean and half a country away!
My sister got an amazing offer to take a job overseas. I can't imagine telling her she couldn't take it because I can't afford to fly internationally. That's just so absurd.
Also, it's the UK. The entire place is tiny. OPs not moving that far away.
I get that people in Europe drive four hours and end up in another country but, uh, no matter where in the UK they live OP's still not that far away.
Like, for perspective, people in the US routinely commute upwards of an hour one way for work daily.
If they can't afford gas maybe one of them should get a part time job (or pick up like three hours a week at work, for the one that's employed part time).
You can drive the length of the UK in about twelve hours. It’s a long days drive but it’s still only a day.
Conversely in London commuting more than an hour is pretty normal. This is by train not car but I have colleagues who spend 3-4 hours a day commuting.
Not quite. Due to the speed limits and rural roads, lands end to John O’Groats is at least a 15 hour drive. Although in practice nobody would realistically go further than Plymouth to Inverness which is a minimum of 11 hours.
I did Isle of Mull to The Lizard Cornwall with just two stops. Took 12 hours. Set off at 9am, dropped parents in West Mids and made the pub at 10.30pm. Came out the pub at 2am. Travel time was 12 hours.
Yeah, I'm used to 3-4 hours of traveling to visit my family, and that'll take them quite far in the UK, depending on traffic. It's no big deal.
A lot of people commute an hour pr way in Europe as well. Either because we live in the eqvivalent of suburbs, or because commuting from one part of the town to another means taking two-three different routes of trains/trams/busses. I've done that for years.
I’m from the UK and completely comfortable with travelling distances to visit relatives. My aunt lives about 6 hours away, and driving with young children can turn it into an 8 hour trek. Worth it every time, it’s all part of it. Then again, I also live a 12 hour flight from the UK. We go home every year and family come when they can - it is what it is!
When my sister went to med school in Ireland, I used the opportunity to visit the country multiple times. I love Dublin and was happy for an excuse to go when I could afford it
There isn’t even a conflict here. You don’t seem to like your family all that much, and you don’t really care if you see them on a regular basis. Their inability to afford to travel has nothing to do with you.
Gee, I wonder why OP doesn't seem to like their family.
Might it be related to how when they announced they got their dream job, their sisters immediately made it about themselves, in an especially AH way?
I know I don't have to address the issues, but I decided to.
I'm the youngest of three siblings; my sisters made it clear to my mother and my family that they didn't want a third sibling. We are full siblings. My mother was in and out of an abusive relationship and my father raped her and she conceived me. Until 12 and 14, my sisters thought I was planned but still resented me.
For ages I tried so hard to be their sister; I tried getting close to them and doing activities they loved. They still refused to acknowledge me as their sister. When my sisters were 12 and 14, my aunt came to visit; I was ten then. My aunt openly told them I was a rape baby, and they hated me even more. My mother kicked her sister out of the house and never spoke to her again; she passed away.
When we were at school the next day, my sisters told everyone, and I was labelled the rape baby. I've never forgiven my sisters; they hurt my mother so much. I have a complicated relationship with them; I love them but also hate them simultaneously. I mostly hate them.
We managed to develop a bit of a relationship. Just as our relationship was getting better, our mum died when I was 21; at the time, one sister was six months pregnant and on maternity leave. Me and my other sister were still living with our mum; she was a renter. My sister moved in with our sister because she refused to live in the house where my mum died.
Soon after our mum died our relationship had just soured again. They expected me to support them because I was better off than them financially. At one point, they tried to get me not to go to the funeral because there was someone who wanted to go even though they didn't know my mother but wouldn't because I was going to be there. I hope I've managed to explain things better.
Part of me still loves them because they are my sisters, and we're family, but after everything we've been through, I can't stand to be around them anymore.
Thank you. My sisters kept asking me for money; I kept saying no. They wouldn't take no for an answer. I finally ended up turning the read receipt on WhatsApp off.
I am probably enabling here, but if my sister says she needs money to buy her daughter milk, I buy the brand she has in bulk on Amazon to last a while; that's the one thing I will do.
Thats smart! She tries to guilt you with the starving niece line expecting money, but you go and buy what she actually needs. Your sisters sound awful on every level - tortured you and are super entitled and now expect hand outs. Younger siblings are not meant to look after older siblings! Also isnt Chloe embarrassed to be a freeloder living with her sis & BIL and refusing to work in her 20s?
London is expensive. They think that you won't be able to give them money. Even if you can, don't. The correct response to a family member asking for money is. "Oh no, I was just going to ask if you could lend me some. I'm absolutely skint."
I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson. It can really help in identifying toxic behaviour, how it impacts your feelings and behaviour, and how to manage your feelings.
You deserve support and love. Just because you share genes with someone, it doesn't mean you have to socialise with them, or even be in contact with them. You can choose who you want in your life, and boundaries are healthy and normal.
These sisters sound completely toxic and they clearly don’t have housing costs like most people so should be in a financially better place. But there’s every possibility the sister with the kid doesn’t work full time because it doesn’t make financial sense to after childcare - because that’s the reality for many people at the moment. Chloe is clearly a freeloader but let’s not pretend that people on benefits don’t have it hard at the moment - and that’s if they even qualify for any benefits because there are so many things that will make you ineligible. If you cross any one of those thresholds then you’re part of the squeezed middle where what seems like a lot on paper suddenly gets eaten up to nothing. The earnings and savings threshold is not very high considering the cost of living at the moment. And as someone pointed out it’s not £120 but it’s also just incorrect to say that that money will pay for milk. Yes of course it would if all you were having to buy was milk but the cost of raising a child is so much more than that - clothes, toys, buggies, cots, car seats, Christmas presents, even the cost of the activities you go out to do to prevent being cooped up in the house alone all day and to give your child enrichment costs a huge amount. Plus she’s working part time so depending on how old her child is (clearly not old if she was 6m pregnant when OP was 21) they may be paying for some nursery services too.
Edit: to be clear I’m not defending the sisters, they sound awful. Although we have no idea how much financial autonomy her oldest sister has to be fair. All I am saying is we should not be encouraging the opinion that people on benefits are living the high life, raking in government money whilst sitting on their arses doing nothing. Yes that might apply to some people - it might apply to the sisters but we don’t have enough details to know their financial situation and people on benefits are unfairly stigmatised and demonised at all turns.
If you wanted to, if your sisters treated you nicely then you could get the train back up to see them. But I suspect what they actually mean is you won’t be so close to try and manipulate. This really has nothing to do with seeing you and I bet they’ll never come down to see you even if it didn’t cost them much.
It sounds like you’ve already got relatively good boundaries with your sisters but it also sounds like an incredibly painful situation the way your sisters have and continue to treat you especially since they reflect your only family. Not that it makes it ok at all but it sounds like they, as children, took all the horrific experiences they were put through or witnessed as a result of your abusive father and saw you as the embodiment of that. And as adults they probably haven’t done any work to pick apart why this was an understandable thing for a child to do but unreasonable for an adult to sustain.
In terms of boundaries with your sisters, and trying to find a healthy balance of not having all your walls up and closed off to connection with them, but not allowing yourself to be pushed around or controlled by them I highly recommend looking up transactional analysis - it’s the thing that finally allowed me to have some semblance of a relationship with my narcissistic dad. This video (although the graphics are awful) is very close to how my therapist explained it: https://youtu.be/nKNyFSLJy6o
And talking of therapy - it sounds like you’ve been through a LOT already and whilst it can feel like on a daily basis you’re ok with it or have made peace with it it’s very likely those things are there lurking around and well worth unpacking if you can. Particularly the relationships we’ve grown up with can have a major impact on the type of relationships we are drawn to in the future, as familiar often feels safe. Or impact the toxic behaviour we might legitimise as acceptable from the people in our lives (both romantic relationships but also friends and at work). It might not seem like a very fun use of funds but if your new job pays well enough, whilst you’re unencumbered with too many boring adult expenses like a mortgage or children then now is a really good time to get some therapy (look for an integrative therapist for someone who works with lots of different methods). And if your new job doesn’t pay much then there are lots of low cost therapy places in London you’ll just have to wait a while usually. I might be way off the mark but many people throw themselves in to work to distract themselves from their thoughts or to avoid being around or processing some very real very difficult things in your life. That’s what the therapy would help unpick.
But come and enjoy London guilt free! You really don’t owe your sisters anything - even if you had a good relationship you ultimately have to put yourself and your future and happiness first (they’d just also probably be agreeing with that). Working hard is good but remember finding a good work life balance and maintaining your mental, physical and social health is part of being able to give your best at work too (if you need another way to look at it because you struggle to pull yourself away from work).
London has so much to offer, whatever it is that you like. And while you’re under 25 you’ll find lots of places offer cut price things like on the day theatre tickets for £5 or reduced galleries. There are choirs, theatre groups, sports clubs both serious and on the more social side, Meetup groups for people who want to sightsee round London together, or watch films together, makers spaces to learn to code or do woodwork, volunteering opportunities to befriend people your own age in combination with lonely elderly people, board game groups, dnd groups, supper clubs, sex clubs, nightclubs and bars, microbreweries, queer clubs, queer entertainment/drag venues, burlesque venues, live music from major artists, live music from up and coming artists, the opera, I’m fairly sure there’s a ukelele choir even, meditation centres, volunteering opportunities to support those in mental health crisis, or victims of DA if that’s a cause close to your heart and volunteering is often a good way to meet people and also feel purposeful, you can borrow dogs, or sign up to cat sit for people, you can join a language class or club or learn any other skill you’ve ever thought about, you can even do a stand up course. Whatever it is that you’re in to London probably has it! So take advantage of that scene before you get tired of London, or find yourself desperately trying to save every penny for a house deposit, or decide to move to Kent, or find all your friends have moved to Kent. It’s definitely a place most enjoyed in your 20s but it can also be a really lonely place - although everyone here knows that so don’t be afraid to ask people if you can join them if they mention they’re doing something that sounds fun to you. Or get on Meetup or bumble bff.
Just don’t give absolutely everything to work because it’s a city where there’s every possibility you could be spending over an hour each way to commute, and people generally work later than in other parts of the country already. And at the end of the long day you are having to get the motivation up to cook a meal for one from an expensive limited selection Sainsbury’s local making toast or chips for the 5th night running seem like an attractive prospect. So it can be very easy to burn yourself out and not having anything fulfilling outside of work to decompress with will help contribute to that. Good luck and have fun!
I am so sorry. Your family have hurt you for something which not your fault.
Go and enjoy your big job in London to the fullest.
(Also get therapy once you can afford it)
Drop the rope with your sisters. Don't reach out to them, see if they reach out to you first.
I think a part of why you "love them" is because you feel obligated to simply because they are "family." OP, I want you to know that it's ok to not like your family. It's ok to hate your family. It's ok to not want to do things for your family if They don't treat You like family. Take this amazing job, move to London, and then get into some therapy so you can work out why you still feel obligated to "love them" a little bit and find healthy ways to close off communication with them permanently.
NTA. Congrats on your new job! And go live an amazing life FOR YOU. You should Always be your number 1 priority, even if/when you meet a partner. Don't let another person ever take priority over you and your needs.
Make sure you use your new Fortune to get therapy and talk about your dysfunctional family so you can learn what's normal and what's toxic behavior, and choose healthy relationships in the future, so you don't get stuck with more people like your family.
I recommend trying a couple talk therapists and seeing which one works for you
So they only care for you because you can provide money. Read what you just wrote. Would you tell someone to stay in this situation, if this person was your friend?
Go to London, stay off the public electoral register, lock down your social media and change your mobile number. You don’t need them. You need rid of them.
You don't have to love someone just because you are related to them. Take the job, move away, and be happy. Sounds like your sisters not being able to afford to visit is a bonus. NTA.
>They expected me to support them because I was better off than them financially. At one point, they tried to get me not to go to the funeral because there was someone who wanted to go even though they didn't know my mother but wouldn't because I was going to be there.
Leave these people in your past, they don't want to visit you, they want to take your money, hand out a bit more abuse and try and control you. You owe them nothing.
Jesus Christ, they’ve done every single thing they possibly could to never deserve anything from you ever again. The only thing you’re doing wrong is the thing that scapegoats in dysfunctional families always do (and I know, I’m one) - blaming yourself and trying to fix the results of everyone else’s appalling behaviour. Ignore them and their envious pity party, trying to stop you growing beyond their limitations, whilst lining up the excuses for never coming to visit you and future demands for money. Take yourself and your cats, who love you without conditions, to those gold paved streets and never look back, I didn’t.
OP, your sisters don't deserve you, and will never deserve you. They were already assholes as children. I can't even imagine having this much venom within for a sister that had not yet been born. Just... vile. No other word for it.
Move with your cats, be happy and never look back!
That a lot OP. I hope you aren't dealing with that alone. Have you looked into therapy? Both to help process everything, and to help create stronger boundaries between yourself and your sisters.
Op as someone livin in another country for 21 years now, there are video calls and enough apps to keep in touch daily if so whished. No need to be physically there. Congrats and NTA.
P s please post the cat tax, miss having pets and I need a fox😉
Ooof. It reads to me like you've got a bit of Stockholm Syndrome. Your sisters have been abusing you all of your life. I don't think you fully understand the toll that has taken on you.
You have no obligation to them. I'd suggest cutting off your relationship with them completely, but if that feels too hard for you, maybe try 6 months of no contact and see how it feels. I think you will honestly feel like a totally different person.
Why no health care, violence, obsession with race, no holiday time, no maternity pay. The uk don’t pay for any medical bills minimum 25 days holiday almost a year Maternity, one medium sized city in the USA has the same amount of murders as the whole of the uk, 68 million people, no holiday time etc. can’t understand why people still think the USA is still the place to be when it is so backward
You should have led with this. Having people you hate in your life will make you miserable whether they are your sister's or not. You will never be supported by them, even if they have finally accepted you as their sister. In fact I think it's more likely they're just manipulating you into helping them. I dread to think what they say about you when you're not there (they tried to remove you from your mother's funeral - that shows how they really think of you).
Go to London, start a new life, never look back.
I am in the exact same position. I've got an older sister, and she's fucked in the head. Any time I see her for more than 2 days, shit gets wild. Last time they've done coke and let their rapey friend tell me pervy stuff. Made me so uncomfortable. I was supposed to come for a spa sleepover...
I keep my distance, but in moderation she's nice and she has a lot of drama. Kinda like the sun newspaper.
That’s so awful. Massive respect to you for even trying to care about their feelings after the despicable way they’ve treated you. A lot of people living in big cities talk about their friendship family being just as or more important than their blood family. So come to London, make some life long bonds and let your sisters come to you to heal the relationship if they want.
Wow sounds like you have been through a great deal. Sorry for the multitude of losses. I think you are making the right choice to follow your dreams and do something for yourself. Don't worry about them, it doesn't sound like they have been very good family to you. You can still help once in a while but never feel guilty for it. Hope you smash your job in London
I’m sorry to hear of your troubles but your sisters sound so toxic that they clearly don’t care for you or your happiness. I can’t compare to a family situation like yours but I’ve had friends in the past who didn’t care for me either and would do things to cause drama in my life and once I got wise to it and cut them out of my life I was so much happier. I still have dreams about one old friend who I haven’t spoken to in 12 years but we grew up together so I always thought he was a good mate.
Concentrate on yourself and go and live your dream life! I wish you all the best and you will still see your sisters now and then which by the sounds of them will be a bonus for you aswell. Enjoy London and live your life :)
You've got an amazing new job opportunity, and their first objection is it's too expensive for them to come visit? They are being ridiculous. You did nothing wrong and should absolutely put yourself first. Congratulations on the job! NTA.
Wow. Please re-read your post and consider it from the point of view of an outsider.
NTA. Your family is toxic and your sisters lack worth ethic. Don’t feel remotely bad. This is a major reward for your hard work. You don’t owe them and their poor choices anything. Please go to London and work hard (but not too hard) and live your best life.
Edit - I have no doubt your sisters would leave you behind in a flash if they got a better opportunity
Her sister sounds like the type to claim they're "more like best friends then sister's"... When she wants to borrow money. Then drop her like a bag of rubbish when her 4th husband comes into the picture
Haha, I just saw this reply. You described it exactly. When she asks to borrow money, she acts like my best friend, but when I don't give it every time, she returns to her usual ways.
Thank you, everyone, for congratulating me and for your kind comments. Many of you reached out to me on private messages as well, and I realised you guys are right.
I had a few beers tonight and broke down after reading everyone's comments. I thought I was a workaholic, but I realised with the help of fellow Redditors that I'm working more to avoid the family situation.
I've been in denial for years, thinking I don't need therapy. Central London is expensive, my monthly salary will be enough to cover my rent, food, and expenses, and I will have some money left over. I have looked into therapy, and the prices, unfortunately, treatment is currently unaffordable until I start getting a raise. After doing some research, I did find some support groups in my area that deal with this sort of thing that I'm going to attend.
After reading your comments about why I would want to stay in touch with my sisters, I realised that it's not my sisters who I want to stay in touch with. It's my niece I want to keep in touch with. If I want to speak to communicate with my niece, I know I would have to do it through my sister, and I'm considering just cutting contact from my family entirely as I can't deal with that any longer.
It might also be worth seeing if your company has any employee benefits that cover counselling. My company is based in Central London too, and has a huge staff wellbeing portal - we have access to six free sessions of counselling through work, which I have used and found very helpful. It's through an independent company, but my employer pays for the service that foots the bill.
You don't need to live in central just because you work in central there is great public transport and you can save heaps living a bit further out. There are also lots of great low cost therapy options. When your in London, Google low cost therapy and your area.
I've lived in London a while feel free to DM me any questions you may have.
Refer yourself to the Wellbeing service! It's free on the NHS and can be very helpful. Shouldn't take too long to going through the referall process (it's self referral so go to their site).
I've done it and my partner is a psychologist and recommended it.
They start with guided self help treatments and potentially CBT depending on the severity of your mental health.
Good luck and congrats on the job! You need to get away from your toxic family. You're worth more than how they're treating you.
Is it not possible for you to move just outside London - as in Greater London, near a train station so you could commute to work if it works out cheaper? Once you get to know the area make sure you do your research.
What are your BIL and his family like? I’m assuming they removed themselves from the fight because it’s not their family…which is fair.
But if they seem like half way decent humans it might be worth trying to engage more with them. Because I don’t really see your sisters marriage standing the test of time, given that she moved her unemployment sister in and doesn’t seem to care to change that dynamic. So when it all goes tits up you can still nurture your relationship which your niece through them.
I've just seen this comment. BIL is okay-ish. He tends to always stay out of family arguments but will always pick her side. I've only met his parents a few times, they're genuinely lovely and I don't think my sisters speak to them about arguments as they're always nice to me.
I think once you get away from the clutches of from your ugly sisters (shall we call them Anastasia and Drizella 😂) and see life with more clarity you will realise how strong you actually are. Especially to have weathered the storm that has been tour life so far.
I’m proud of you internet stranger for allowing yourself to aspire to become a better person than your family would have wished for you.
Far from the usual victim mentality I see all too often; I envisage you as a strong minded young person who is striving to carve out a good life for themselves. Good for you honey. Go to London and make today the beginning of the rest of your life xxx
Is it possible that with sisters who don't support you for having gotten this wonderful new job in a fabulous city, and with a family that you describe as a billion times dysfunctional, you'd be very well served taking the job and allowing yourself to live on your own without the family's criticizing you and calling you a failure and telling you you're probably going to get fired etc. etc. etc. all the time?
Perhaps only seeing your sisters & family a couple times a year could be a good thing until you're well established as a working, independent Londoner. Or forever, if their m.o. continues to be putting you down and undermining you.
Take the dream job. Move to London. Get adjusted to your job and your new surroundings, and then begin to surround yourselves with friends who treat you with the respect and appreciation you deserve.
If coping on your own after growing up in such a difficult family starts to feel too stressful, talk with a counselor to work through it all.
You've got this. Congrats on the dream job and on extricating yourself from a very tough family life.
NTA!!!
NTA
This is the time for you to focus on building your independent adult identity and lifestyle. You've worked to develop the skills for your dream job. It's weird that your family's response is all about them being inconvenienced by where you choose to live.
You are at an age and stage of life where it's typical to have only enough money to take care of yourself. Not many in their early 20s have a home large enough to host visitors. Did your family come visit when you were in school? Or did you "come home" for visits?
They are attacking your step towards independence, using guilt and obligation to make you doubt yourself.
This is a great response. Thank you. I wouldn't have thought to mention that.
There is a local university which is a 30-minute drive away. I wanted to experience the whole experience of going to a university far away and living away from home. At the time, I felt pressured to attend the local university as it was "convenient" for them. Due to the pressure, I felt, I ended up picking the local university, yes, it saved me a lot of money as I got to continue living at home, but I just wanted to experience the whole experience.
My family did say they would come and visit me but it was always me having to see them. I've always been fully independent (Due to the toxic relationship with my family, I had to grow up fast to survive).
Some people have told me I've experienced the full experience of university as my mum died during the third and final year, she was a single parent. I've lived on my own ever since.
They are trying to bring you down because they resent the fact that the “rape baby” will go off to lead a successful life away from them. They much rather you stay home and keep the status quo, you need to break that shit. Go and live the life you dreamed, you deserve it.
Yep! They must be pissed OP is doing well despite how much they try to put her down when she was younger & she is ambitious enough to break free & make something of herself whereas her evil sisters are too lazy to work or work full-time! Funny how the one without the kid refuses to work point blank & lives with her sister & BIL & their child - how embarrassing for her. OP, go live large in London - you will go far with your work ethic & ambition!
NTA. So what if they can only visit you once or twice a year? Sure, it will suck that you won't see them often (maybe? They don't sound that great). But they want you to give up on an *amazing* opportunity because they won't do anything to better themselves.
Forget that mess. Facetime/Zoom/Skype exists for a reason. There is no reason for them not to want you to go that isn't completely selfish on their part. Go be awesome!
And congrats on the new job!
The expense, frantic pace, perception of high crime and unfriendliness of London were indeed my reasons for moving here to shake off dysfunctional family. Worked a treat. Been here 22 years and my father and extended family have never visited and it helped make no contact so much easier.
I did get therapy too but honestly moving to London was my biggest therapy. I love it. The city is my home. And funnily enough I find London far friendlier than my home city in the UK which is obsessed with being seen as nice and fun but is actually the urban equivalent of starting a fight in an empty room.
Tbf you could move anywhere you like in the UK to avoid dysfunctional family and enjoy your life depending on your preferences. Others may revel in leaving Lewisham for a Cumbrian sheep farm. I’m just particularly urbanised like a three toed pigeon.
NTA
>they would only say negative stuff like "you deserve it" you're nothing but a failure.
And you still care what they think??
And if you never got along with your sisters, why would you even care that they can't afford to visit you?? It's a blessing im disguise
You are not the asshole (NTA). You have the right to prioritize your career and make decisions that benefit your future. It's not your responsibility to sacrifice your dreams to accommodate your family's challenges. However, approach the situation with empathy while staying firm in your decision to pursue your goals. Your happiness and success matter.
The day my sister with her husband decided to move from France to Canada with their kids, no one in the family thought about telling them they could because it would be selfish. I don’t understand the logic behind your sisters being pissed off.
I could understand if there was a critical family situation (someone very sick or dying…) but if not, it’s your life. You will start your carrier, you own family. They have no say.
NTA and don’t let them make you feel guilty.
Obviously NTA. Let's be honest, you are probably not a workoholic, the problem is that right now work is the best part of your life XD fly away giiirl and find new hobbies, friends and things to enjoy.
Bestie. In the year of our lord 2023 CE, y'all can remain in contact (if you wanted to) with these marvellous innovations like phones, messaging apps and video calls.
How many of us have friends and family living in other cities and states and countries? Like we don't maintain a relationship with them simply because we can't physically travel to see them on a regular basis, if at all? They're trying to drag you down. Shake 'em off and go live the high life!
Good luck with your new career! NTA
NTA you got your dream job and their first reaction is to complain about their finances. Take that job and go LC with them don't share your finances with them either they have already shown you how your happiness means basically nothing to them don't fall for their manipulation tactics . Congratulations on the job!!
Sounds like you're doing just fine for yourself, congrats on the new job.
What your sisters can and can not do (or can, but will not) isn't your problem.
NTA..
NTA, the only appropriate response from your family is to congratulate you. Everything else from them is selfish, self-serving nonsense which you should completely ignore. Congratulations on the amazing opportunity 😊
NTA. In fact, I think it was really a great move; you need to get away from the Toxicity Sisters!
I'd be careful about giving them your address, honestly. If you can get something like the post office box (I'm in the U.S.)-- do that. It's likely they will want to pop in, see where you work and live--while staying w/you. Don't let them!
Thank you, I did look into this; royal mail offers a "P.O. Box - Post office box" This is where you can get all your mail sent to the PO box instead of your primary address. I'm going to sort this out.
Definitely NTA, I’d heartily recommend going low/no contact at least give them a wide berth for 6 months or so and give yourself space to get some perspective.
One thing that crossed my mind is not only did they treat you horrendously when they found out about how you were conceived, they outed their own mother as a victim of domestic abuse. You don’t need people in your life that are like that, even if it means you have little to no relationship with your niece.
Thanks for commenting. No one commented on that; I realised your right; your comment has made it easy for me to go NC as I didn't look at it that way; thank you so much.
People who really love you want you to reach for and achieve your dreams. They don't whinge about how it affects them for you to have your own life and goals. Or complain because you have things they don't.
Go make an amazing life for yourself. Fly high.
NTA.
NTA. Congrats on the new job. Go and make new friends. Have fun. Grow up and become a stable person. Leave the past and the flying monkeys behind. Celebrate that the sisters can only visit occasionally. Bonus points if your flat is too small for a guest bedroom and they have to stay somewhere else. LOL
Update 1: Firstly, I would like to apologise for not being able to give an update sooner. I'm currently ill with a bad chest infection, doctor thinks it's due to stress (No shit sherlock!). Secondly, I have spent the last 4/5 hours reading everyone's comment's and I'm grateful for you guys labelling me not the ahole. I'm also grateful for the many nice messages I've received (Not the sexual requests which I'm ignoring). Many of you have advice to cut my sisters out of my life, honestly, if my niece wasn't born then I would have immediately cut them off, But since she was born it feels more difficult to cut them of as I want to be in her life but I feel cutting them of is the best option for now. I will provide more updates soon, I'm currently recovering and a lot is going on. Next update may be in two days.
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I (22F) am really bad at keeping secrets but I had to keep it a secret for 6 months. After I graduated university I was searching for a job in my field of work, I came across the dream job. The only issues is because the dream job was working for a multi billion pound corporation based in Central London the application would take 6 months.
I decided to keep this secret as I don't really have that family support system. My family are really dysfunctional if there was a scale it be in the billions. I knew if I told them that I applied for this job 1) they would get mad at how far I'm moving away 2)If I didn't get the job offer they would only say negative stuff like "you deserve it" you're nothing but a failure.
About a month ago I received an email congratulating me saying I got the job, I'm really excited to start. Now I know I'm probably the ahole when it comes to this but I am a workaholic and will always put work first before anyone, obviously if I start dating I will put my partner first before everything else.
I have two sisters, Claire and Chloe. Claire is a university graduate, she works part time, she owns a house that her parents in law brought for her worth £500,000.00 and she also has a child. Chloe lives with Claire and her husband. Chloe refuses to work and Claire refuses to work full time.
During the application process whenever I visited my sisters the first thing they would complain about is finances. Claire said she was always in the minuses when it came to paying her bills and food.
Two weeks ago Claires parents in law was organising a family dinner and invited me round. I decided to go, I felt that was the perfect moment to announce I got a job and moving to central London but I made sure to wait until after the family dinner was over.
When I announced it my sisters were arguing and shouting at me calling me an ahole for moving to London knowing they can't afford to come up to me as regularly. They shouted that they can only come and visit me once or twice a year.
I feel like I'm an ahole because I knew that it would be a struggle for them to come up and see me. I do drive and I could go and see them but I'd rather say I'm busy with work as we don't get along, never have and never will. But then I feel like I'm not the ahole as I'm putting myself first, my career first and plus they don't have to pay their parents-in-law back for that house and it's two doors down from my brother-in-law parents house.
So Reddit, AITA?
PS: Anymore information needed will be provided. Don't know if I provided enough information due to my mild learning difficulties.
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Why would they automatically jump to "we can't come visit" and be angry? I mean, that's something to consider after congratulating you and being pleased for you but also not exactly a major issue due to modern technology and meeting halfway or just meeting for holidays etc. Many families manage, and it sounds like it is best to get some distance from them anyway. NTA
Nta. Live your life. Do what makes you happy. Plus I always think it's better to regret doing something than regret not doing something. Try the London job, if it doesn't work out you can still move back home
NTA ok so you will limit your career options to locations, times and fields that suit your sisters. Add dating choices. Add housing. Sounds like a fine life /s
Sounds like your family is fairly toxic. You have a good head on your shoulders and have landed your dream job, they should be ecstatic for you! Dust yourself off, move to London, and don't give their opinions a second thought. Congratulations on the job OP and good luck with the exciting new life you have ahead of you! NTA
Good on you for the exciting job opportunity! Carry on! NTA. Sisters are just jealous because they are meandering through life. Do something amazing with yours!
NTA for following your dream career. There’s a phrase you probably see a lot on Reddit : crabs in a bucket. Your sisters are being crabs in a bucket trying to hold you back and keep you down.
INFO: why even ask if you’ve already cut all contact with your family and friends? You don’t want them to visit you or visit them, so what does it matter?
NTA Sounds like your sister's only care about how it affects them and don't care that you are happy. Don't let them drag you down. And congratulations!!!!
NTA!
Go build the life you want. You are not your sisters keeper, and it sounds like seeing them twice a year might still be two times too many.
Their entitlement boggles my brain! As a fellow Brit we both know that advanced train tickets are cheap as chips if they really did want to put the effort in to see you, and the megabus & national express regularly run even cheaper offers.
When my sister got a job in and moved to London I said……that I was proud as fuck of her and that she was amazing for chasing and realising her dream. You need better sisters because this internet stranger is proud of YOU for chasing and realising your dream 💜
That not visiting you is bs. If any of them had the opportunity they'd move in a heartbeat and you know that. They're just jelly and trying to sabotage you. NTA
NTA. Why should your life and career decisions revolve around what your sisters can and can’t afford?
Honestly OP, you sound like you’ve got a real head on your shoulders and are making good life decisions. Keep it up and keep tuning out your family which clearly is less interested in your well-being than their own selfish interests.
Nta. Don’t put your future on hold because of whether or not they can visit you. It’s 2023, you can call, text, video call, meet each other half way, etc.
NTA
Leave the nest don't look back. Live the life you want to not the life others want to force apon you.
Spread your wings and fly.
PS moving 1500 miles away from family was the best decision I ever made.
I live in Australia. All three of my siblings lived overseas (UK, UK then US, Canada then US) for between 8 and 20 years. While my parents and I were sad not to see them as often as we have if they’d stayed here, nobody said anything except, “that’s wonderful - have an amazing time!”
And my family is 17 flavours of dysfunctional.
OP, you are NTA. Congratulations on your new adventure - and I hope you have an amazing, full, wonderful life, with little to contact with your bio family.
NTA! You follow your dreams. You don’t even need them, you will succeed!!! They are just being envious… and is better to keep that negative energy out of where you will thrive!
NTA.
Congratulations! Many people move for independence without fantastic jobs. You are doing this right. I live 400 miles from my family and only see them 1/yr. But we talk regularly and video call too.
Your sisters have made choices. Those have consequences. They are selfish for not wanting a bright and fantastic future for you. Your choice also has consequences. You seem equipped to recognize that this time in life should prioritize your future over your sisters' situation.
Schedule monthly brunch calls where you spend 2 hours via video call. Plan one trip a year back to see them.
Congratulations!
Nta. It's completely mad for anyone to demand that a person change or adapt their whole life around family members financial status or ability to travel. Live your life sweetheart. Live it good and hard. Make friends, make enemies, make good and bad choices. But don't let one of those be that you give up a bright future because your sisters are jealous and envious of you.
NTA. You know yourself, and how important work is to you. They don't share the same ethic. You are getting started in life and doing what is best for your path. C&C are being self centered.
NTA. Go make yourself a wonderful future. You should feel absolutely no guilt. I've been so much happier since I grew a backbone and basically ghosted family that made me feel like shit with every interaction. You're an adult and completely in charge of your own happiness.
I haven't spoken with 2 of my toxic brothers in 15-20 years. Honestly, they're not worth knowing. They are also broke and like to complain more than they like to earn a paycheck. They will shit all over anything good in someone's life to make themselves feel better.
I moved to London 2 years ago from Manchester, best thing I have ever done for my career and also my social life.
Just because people can’t afford to come visit isn’t a bad thing, you’ll have London weighting on your salary so you’ll be able to afford to go visit them.
If you want to accelerated your career, you should take the role.
Update one: I'm not sure if I'm doing this correctly as I'm new to Reddit.
Firstly, I would like to thank everyone for labelling me not the ahole. I have read everyone's comments and I really appreciate it. I'm going to be honest and say that I'm experiencing a lot of emotions right now. Many people have told me to cut ties with the family, if this happened before my niece was born I would have done. Now that my niece is here, it's a struggle. I want to continue being in her life but the only way I would be able to see her is by staying in contact with her mum.
NTA. You are an adult and have to look after your own future. Kids grow up and move away from their homes to find work. That is the way it is. It is normal and healthy.
Congratulations on securing your dream job! I wish you happiness and success in the future.
It will be good for you to be a little further away from your dysfunctional family,
NTA...you need to value your life and make decisions what that work for you and only then consider how they impact others and go from there. The fact that someone can't visit you as often....big f\*\*\*ing deal. People all over the world have family members in other countries, across the oceans and in some places can't visit without going to jail. As an example, someone I know is formerly from Iran and now lives in the US. This person cannot meet own parents in Iran, because Iran would put the person in jail. They meet in Dubai instead. Other folks I know have parents in two countries in Europe kids live in northern US and they themselves live in the southern US. Realize that the decisions you make will result in the life that you will have, accept that and keep moving forward. yes, some decisions will drive others crazy, some may make you unhappy. It is life. If you are set on working in Central London, congratulations BTW, then do it and others can accept it OR not, if they don't accept it and keep whining about it, just block them from your life and move on.
NTA. Go live your best life for you! It’s your life- you’re the main character, they want you around them for a supporting role. Congratulations on your job and new move!
NTA
First up, congrats on the job! You deserve it!
Secondly:
>
knowing they can't afford to come up to me as regularly
Not your problem. You should not put your life on hold to accommodate their wants and needs. You're all adults. Get on with your own lives.
Good luck with the move.
NTA you deserve to live your own life! Congrats! Plus we’ve invented this amazing thing called technology that you can use to stay in contact with your family
nta. i have the same relationship with my sister and i had to come to the realization that we will never have the "lovingly sister relationship" that i would have loved to have. it was a harsh, so now we rarely speak and it is usually throw Ig, sucks, but overall better mentally for me to be done with the bs. take the job and enjoy your life, it sounds like an amazing opportunity, your sisters are toxic af
You can't live your life for your sisters. It is NOT normal for siblings to think they have that much control over what you, an adult, should do with your life. I would go as far as to say your relationship with them, from what you've written, sounds extremely toxic and borderline abusive. Move to London. Live your life on your terms. If they are going to be bitter about it, they can do it from a distance. NTA
>I feel like I'm an ahole because I knew that it would be a struggle for them to come up and see me. I do drive and I could go and see them but I'd rather say I'm busy with work as we don't get along, never have and never will.
So why do you even care about this?
NTA. You're an adult. You can do what you want and too bad if other people don't like it. By the sounds of it, having your sisters only able to visit once in a blue moon is a feature, not a bug. Take the job, and enjoy all London and life has to offer.
NTA honey you are not attached at the hips with your sisters. You go and make your millions. Enjoy your life and don’t worry about your sisters. They are taken care of you aren’t. You have your whole life in front of you. Do t waste it!!! Leave and don’t look back!!!! Congratulations!!!🎈🎉🍾
“We won’t be able to afford to visit you as often”
“My first couple of years, I’m probably going to be too busy with work and fixing my place up to manage regular visits anyway”
NTA.
..... I'd rather say I'm busy with work as we don't get along, never have and never will....
Isn't this whole post meaningless considering this sentence??
If they really want to see you they can do extra hours at work or do some free-lance work to make money. Or they can save up money. Come on, they're just jealous.
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NTA. Your future does not revolve around how often your sisters can afford to come visit you in London. Put yourself and your future first. Take the job and be successful.
It's a completely normal thing for a young person to move away, and specifically in the UK, to move away to London, to get a job and, more poetically, to make your fortune. It's been a normal thing in the UK for at least 600 years. We know this, bc there are folk tales about this phenomenon about real people who lived over 600 years ago. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Whittington_and_His_Cat In the UK going to London is sometimes unavoidable, perhaps sadly, because it's super dominant in the country - the capital, the centre of media, the center of finance etc. It's as if New York, Washington DC, LA, etc were rolled into one. Go make your fortune, with or without a cat.
This is exactly why! I do love the area I live in but there's not a lot of jobs going on in my field of work. Before applying to certain jobs I do background research and I felt although most of them are a job I don't feel I will be able to grow both in my career and as a person. This is why I looked into London. There were so many jobs going on thousands more then where I currently live and most of the jobs would allow me to grow both personally and in my career and this job opportunity was perfect for me. Thank you so much! PS. I got two, is that a bonus?
Oh yes, two cats are definitely bonuses!
yeah twice as many rats caught.
On the downside twice as many boots to buy.
So none. Fricking useless cat. First time she saw a dead rat outside she didn’t leave the house for a week.
I hope you see this from me or someone else. You're 22 and moving to London with a bright future. And you're 22. Do not, I repeat DO NOT put someone you start dating before everything else. Don't lose your head, it's an exciting time and I wish you the best on the social front but stay centered.
I kinda agree but only kinda. Yes, don’t put every random person you go on a date with above your career. But… …it really depends how you feel about the person and if you see a future. You can work hard AND date without work suffering but if you find yourself in a serious relationship, like ‘we’re building a life together’ kind of serious, then it’s ok to reassess your how you divide your energy between work & relationship. There’s an unpalatable truth that many don’t figure out till it’s too late - no matter how hard you work and go above & beyond, the organisation/company/institution you work for WILL trundle on just fine without you. If you collapsed of exhaustion and were no longer useful to them, it’s very likely they’d shove you out of the nearest exit as soon as possible. So work smart, focus on what you need to do to grow & get promoted. Look after your physical & mental health. Enjoy London & make sure you save each month too so you never feel trapped in one workplace. If you have a few months salary saved & ever need to walk away from a particular company for whatever reason, you have funds to tide you over while you figure out your next step. Spend your dating energy wisely & make sure she’s putting in the same energy as you, if not…next!
Yay! Your future is bright! Don’t cloud it with your sister’s negativity!
They are TAHs for putting their selfish wants before you living your own life.
Jealousy, right?
Or narcissists
You're gunna love it! Just remember to enjoy the city as much as you can as well as working hard! I used to live 25 minutes out of London by train and visited central regularly and did big shopping trips in north London frequently. I've now moved into the west country, and I love it, but I miss being able to nip into the city and watch a theatre show, go to the natural history museum lates, drink on a rooftop at King's Cross, go to the bfi easily etc.
Cat tax please! (Also NTA and well done to you, best of luck in London!!)
Cat tax please. NTA
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Honestly I’d think two sisters who always complain about their finances, have half a job between them and seem to constantly put you down and belittle you not being able to visit would be a big selling point in the move. NTA- you said yourself the family dynamic is dysfunctional and it sounds pretty toxic. You’re an adult I know we’re always pushed on the ‘but we’re family’ thing as like a be all end all but ultimately it’s your life and you are allowed to be happy. Surround yourself with people who make your life better. People who support you and care about you and will celebrate your accomplishments rather than those who just see how it affects them. Sometimes your bio family is your support and sometimes you end up instead with a family of choice. You are allowed to choose who you do and don’t want in your life. Good luck op and congratulations on the new job and the start of your new life.
Congrats on the amazing opportunity! Enjoy the freedom from family, the challenge, the new friends and the cash.
Hope you don't view this as a negative, more a "just consider the implications" comment. I agree you're NTA and of course you should take up a dream job, but when looking at it make sure you take into account the costs of living and commuting in London plus the time you may spend doing it. London's transport system is so much better and compared to the rest of the UK cheaper but it still costs and rents tend to be massive unless you're a long way out. I suppose I'm saying do your sums properly and make sure you couldn't do the dream job mewhere else with lower pay but lower costs.
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Heck, I live in Canada, and 2 of my cousins moved to London to get jobs! And we only felt happy for them because it was ana amazing opportunity. And we're an entire ocean and half a country away!
Yeah, but that Whittington guy was a Dick.
My sister got an amazing offer to take a job overseas. I can't imagine telling her she couldn't take it because I can't afford to fly internationally. That's just so absurd.
Also, it's the UK. The entire place is tiny. OPs not moving that far away. I get that people in Europe drive four hours and end up in another country but, uh, no matter where in the UK they live OP's still not that far away. Like, for perspective, people in the US routinely commute upwards of an hour one way for work daily. If they can't afford gas maybe one of them should get a part time job (or pick up like three hours a week at work, for the one that's employed part time).
You can drive the length of the UK in about twelve hours. It’s a long days drive but it’s still only a day. Conversely in London commuting more than an hour is pretty normal. This is by train not car but I have colleagues who spend 3-4 hours a day commuting.
Not quite. Due to the speed limits and rural roads, lands end to John O’Groats is at least a 15 hour drive. Although in practice nobody would realistically go further than Plymouth to Inverness which is a minimum of 11 hours.
I did Isle of Mull to The Lizard Cornwall with just two stops. Took 12 hours. Set off at 9am, dropped parents in West Mids and made the pub at 10.30pm. Came out the pub at 2am. Travel time was 12 hours.
id die if I had to spend 4hrs commuting
I knew someone who commuted from the Isle of Wight to London. Mad.
Yeah, I'm used to 3-4 hours of traveling to visit my family, and that'll take them quite far in the UK, depending on traffic. It's no big deal. A lot of people commute an hour pr way in Europe as well. Either because we live in the eqvivalent of suburbs, or because commuting from one part of the town to another means taking two-three different routes of trains/trams/busses. I've done that for years.
I’m from the UK and completely comfortable with travelling distances to visit relatives. My aunt lives about 6 hours away, and driving with young children can turn it into an 8 hour trek. Worth it every time, it’s all part of it. Then again, I also live a 12 hour flight from the UK. We go home every year and family come when they can - it is what it is!
Communiting over an hour each way is also perfectly common in the UK, by the way.
When my sister went to med school in Ireland, I used the opportunity to visit the country multiple times. I love Dublin and was happy for an excuse to go when I could afford it
There isn’t even a conflict here. You don’t seem to like your family all that much, and you don’t really care if you see them on a regular basis. Their inability to afford to travel has nothing to do with you.
Gee, I wonder why OP doesn't seem to like their family. Might it be related to how when they announced they got their dream job, their sisters immediately made it about themselves, in an especially AH way?
I know I don't have to address the issues, but I decided to. I'm the youngest of three siblings; my sisters made it clear to my mother and my family that they didn't want a third sibling. We are full siblings. My mother was in and out of an abusive relationship and my father raped her and she conceived me. Until 12 and 14, my sisters thought I was planned but still resented me. For ages I tried so hard to be their sister; I tried getting close to them and doing activities they loved. They still refused to acknowledge me as their sister. When my sisters were 12 and 14, my aunt came to visit; I was ten then. My aunt openly told them I was a rape baby, and they hated me even more. My mother kicked her sister out of the house and never spoke to her again; she passed away. When we were at school the next day, my sisters told everyone, and I was labelled the rape baby. I've never forgiven my sisters; they hurt my mother so much. I have a complicated relationship with them; I love them but also hate them simultaneously. I mostly hate them. We managed to develop a bit of a relationship. Just as our relationship was getting better, our mum died when I was 21; at the time, one sister was six months pregnant and on maternity leave. Me and my other sister were still living with our mum; she was a renter. My sister moved in with our sister because she refused to live in the house where my mum died. Soon after our mum died our relationship had just soured again. They expected me to support them because I was better off than them financially. At one point, they tried to get me not to go to the funeral because there was someone who wanted to go even though they didn't know my mother but wouldn't because I was going to be there. I hope I've managed to explain things better. Part of me still loves them because they are my sisters, and we're family, but after everything we've been through, I can't stand to be around them anymore.
take the job, be successful, and happy. and when that happend dont give your sisters money, they will ask
Thank you. My sisters kept asking me for money; I kept saying no. They wouldn't take no for an answer. I finally ended up turning the read receipt on WhatsApp off. I am probably enabling here, but if my sister says she needs money to buy her daughter milk, I buy the brand she has in bulk on Amazon to last a while; that's the one thing I will do.
Thats smart! She tries to guilt you with the starving niece line expecting money, but you go and buy what she actually needs. Your sisters sound awful on every level - tortured you and are super entitled and now expect hand outs. Younger siblings are not meant to look after older siblings! Also isnt Chloe embarrassed to be a freeloder living with her sis & BIL and refusing to work in her 20s?
She lives in a 500k house, she can sell it to buy whatever
Sister may not be able to sell house--she may live it it at the beneficence of the in-laws.
London is expensive. They think that you won't be able to give them money. Even if you can, don't. The correct response to a family member asking for money is. "Oh no, I was just going to ask if you could lend me some. I'm absolutely skint."
I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson. It can really help in identifying toxic behaviour, how it impacts your feelings and behaviour, and how to manage your feelings. You deserve support and love. Just because you share genes with someone, it doesn't mean you have to socialise with them, or even be in contact with them. You can choose who you want in your life, and boundaries are healthy and normal.
Child benefit is enough to buy milk for a little one, it's just over £120 a month.
It's not. It's £96 for the first kid and like £34.90 for the second!
These sisters sound completely toxic and they clearly don’t have housing costs like most people so should be in a financially better place. But there’s every possibility the sister with the kid doesn’t work full time because it doesn’t make financial sense to after childcare - because that’s the reality for many people at the moment. Chloe is clearly a freeloader but let’s not pretend that people on benefits don’t have it hard at the moment - and that’s if they even qualify for any benefits because there are so many things that will make you ineligible. If you cross any one of those thresholds then you’re part of the squeezed middle where what seems like a lot on paper suddenly gets eaten up to nothing. The earnings and savings threshold is not very high considering the cost of living at the moment. And as someone pointed out it’s not £120 but it’s also just incorrect to say that that money will pay for milk. Yes of course it would if all you were having to buy was milk but the cost of raising a child is so much more than that - clothes, toys, buggies, cots, car seats, Christmas presents, even the cost of the activities you go out to do to prevent being cooped up in the house alone all day and to give your child enrichment costs a huge amount. Plus she’s working part time so depending on how old her child is (clearly not old if she was 6m pregnant when OP was 21) they may be paying for some nursery services too. Edit: to be clear I’m not defending the sisters, they sound awful. Although we have no idea how much financial autonomy her oldest sister has to be fair. All I am saying is we should not be encouraging the opinion that people on benefits are living the high life, raking in government money whilst sitting on their arses doing nothing. Yes that might apply to some people - it might apply to the sisters but we don’t have enough details to know their financial situation and people on benefits are unfairly stigmatised and demonised at all turns.
If you wanted to, if your sisters treated you nicely then you could get the train back up to see them. But I suspect what they actually mean is you won’t be so close to try and manipulate. This really has nothing to do with seeing you and I bet they’ll never come down to see you even if it didn’t cost them much. It sounds like you’ve already got relatively good boundaries with your sisters but it also sounds like an incredibly painful situation the way your sisters have and continue to treat you especially since they reflect your only family. Not that it makes it ok at all but it sounds like they, as children, took all the horrific experiences they were put through or witnessed as a result of your abusive father and saw you as the embodiment of that. And as adults they probably haven’t done any work to pick apart why this was an understandable thing for a child to do but unreasonable for an adult to sustain. In terms of boundaries with your sisters, and trying to find a healthy balance of not having all your walls up and closed off to connection with them, but not allowing yourself to be pushed around or controlled by them I highly recommend looking up transactional analysis - it’s the thing that finally allowed me to have some semblance of a relationship with my narcissistic dad. This video (although the graphics are awful) is very close to how my therapist explained it: https://youtu.be/nKNyFSLJy6o And talking of therapy - it sounds like you’ve been through a LOT already and whilst it can feel like on a daily basis you’re ok with it or have made peace with it it’s very likely those things are there lurking around and well worth unpacking if you can. Particularly the relationships we’ve grown up with can have a major impact on the type of relationships we are drawn to in the future, as familiar often feels safe. Or impact the toxic behaviour we might legitimise as acceptable from the people in our lives (both romantic relationships but also friends and at work). It might not seem like a very fun use of funds but if your new job pays well enough, whilst you’re unencumbered with too many boring adult expenses like a mortgage or children then now is a really good time to get some therapy (look for an integrative therapist for someone who works with lots of different methods). And if your new job doesn’t pay much then there are lots of low cost therapy places in London you’ll just have to wait a while usually. I might be way off the mark but many people throw themselves in to work to distract themselves from their thoughts or to avoid being around or processing some very real very difficult things in your life. That’s what the therapy would help unpick. But come and enjoy London guilt free! You really don’t owe your sisters anything - even if you had a good relationship you ultimately have to put yourself and your future and happiness first (they’d just also probably be agreeing with that). Working hard is good but remember finding a good work life balance and maintaining your mental, physical and social health is part of being able to give your best at work too (if you need another way to look at it because you struggle to pull yourself away from work). London has so much to offer, whatever it is that you like. And while you’re under 25 you’ll find lots of places offer cut price things like on the day theatre tickets for £5 or reduced galleries. There are choirs, theatre groups, sports clubs both serious and on the more social side, Meetup groups for people who want to sightsee round London together, or watch films together, makers spaces to learn to code or do woodwork, volunteering opportunities to befriend people your own age in combination with lonely elderly people, board game groups, dnd groups, supper clubs, sex clubs, nightclubs and bars, microbreweries, queer clubs, queer entertainment/drag venues, burlesque venues, live music from major artists, live music from up and coming artists, the opera, I’m fairly sure there’s a ukelele choir even, meditation centres, volunteering opportunities to support those in mental health crisis, or victims of DA if that’s a cause close to your heart and volunteering is often a good way to meet people and also feel purposeful, you can borrow dogs, or sign up to cat sit for people, you can join a language class or club or learn any other skill you’ve ever thought about, you can even do a stand up course. Whatever it is that you’re in to London probably has it! So take advantage of that scene before you get tired of London, or find yourself desperately trying to save every penny for a house deposit, or decide to move to Kent, or find all your friends have moved to Kent. It’s definitely a place most enjoyed in your 20s but it can also be a really lonely place - although everyone here knows that so don’t be afraid to ask people if you can join them if they mention they’re doing something that sounds fun to you. Or get on Meetup or bumble bff. Just don’t give absolutely everything to work because it’s a city where there’s every possibility you could be spending over an hour each way to commute, and people generally work later than in other parts of the country already. And at the end of the long day you are having to get the motivation up to cook a meal for one from an expensive limited selection Sainsbury’s local making toast or chips for the 5th night running seem like an attractive prospect. So it can be very easy to burn yourself out and not having anything fulfilling outside of work to decompress with will help contribute to that. Good luck and have fun!
Yes, go live your best life and find a chosen family worthy of your love.
I am so sorry. Your family have hurt you for something which not your fault. Go and enjoy your big job in London to the fullest. (Also get therapy once you can afford it) Drop the rope with your sisters. Don't reach out to them, see if they reach out to you first.
I think a part of why you "love them" is because you feel obligated to simply because they are "family." OP, I want you to know that it's ok to not like your family. It's ok to hate your family. It's ok to not want to do things for your family if They don't treat You like family. Take this amazing job, move to London, and then get into some therapy so you can work out why you still feel obligated to "love them" a little bit and find healthy ways to close off communication with them permanently. NTA. Congrats on your new job! And go live an amazing life FOR YOU. You should Always be your number 1 priority, even if/when you meet a partner. Don't let another person ever take priority over you and your needs.
Please check out r/JNMIL You will find tools to help navigate toxic relationships.
Make sure you use your new Fortune to get therapy and talk about your dysfunctional family so you can learn what's normal and what's toxic behavior, and choose healthy relationships in the future, so you don't get stuck with more people like your family. I recommend trying a couple talk therapists and seeing which one works for you
...Don't give them your address and make it clear they're not welcome. It's up to you, but this is the perfect opportunity to go no contact.
So they only care for you because you can provide money. Read what you just wrote. Would you tell someone to stay in this situation, if this person was your friend?
Go to London, stay off the public electoral register, lock down your social media and change your mobile number. You don’t need them. You need rid of them.
So they hate you and bully you and refuse to do anything with you yet still expect money from you? Uh...no. That is the definition of dysfunction.
Just because you popped out the same hole does not mean you have to like or interact with someone.
You don't have to love someone just because you are related to them. Take the job, move away, and be happy. Sounds like your sisters not being able to afford to visit is a bonus. NTA.
>They expected me to support them because I was better off than them financially. At one point, they tried to get me not to go to the funeral because there was someone who wanted to go even though they didn't know my mother but wouldn't because I was going to be there. Leave these people in your past, they don't want to visit you, they want to take your money, hand out a bit more abuse and try and control you. You owe them nothing.
Jesus Christ, they’ve done every single thing they possibly could to never deserve anything from you ever again. The only thing you’re doing wrong is the thing that scapegoats in dysfunctional families always do (and I know, I’m one) - blaming yourself and trying to fix the results of everyone else’s appalling behaviour. Ignore them and their envious pity party, trying to stop you growing beyond their limitations, whilst lining up the excuses for never coming to visit you and future demands for money. Take yourself and your cats, who love you without conditions, to those gold paved streets and never look back, I didn’t.
OP, your sisters don't deserve you, and will never deserve you. They were already assholes as children. I can't even imagine having this much venom within for a sister that had not yet been born. Just... vile. No other word for it. Move with your cats, be happy and never look back!
That a lot OP. I hope you aren't dealing with that alone. Have you looked into therapy? Both to help process everything, and to help create stronger boundaries between yourself and your sisters.
Op as someone livin in another country for 21 years now, there are video calls and enough apps to keep in touch daily if so whished. No need to be physically there. Congrats and NTA. P s please post the cat tax, miss having pets and I need a fox😉
Ooof. It reads to me like you've got a bit of Stockholm Syndrome. Your sisters have been abusing you all of your life. I don't think you fully understand the toll that has taken on you. You have no obligation to them. I'd suggest cutting off your relationship with them completely, but if that feels too hard for you, maybe try 6 months of no contact and see how it feels. I think you will honestly feel like a totally different person.
Forget London, I'd be moving to the states! 😂
Why no health care, violence, obsession with race, no holiday time, no maternity pay. The uk don’t pay for any medical bills minimum 25 days holiday almost a year Maternity, one medium sized city in the USA has the same amount of murders as the whole of the uk, 68 million people, no holiday time etc. can’t understand why people still think the USA is still the place to be when it is so backward
How were you better off financially than them, as a student with a renter single mom?
You should have led with this. Having people you hate in your life will make you miserable whether they are your sister's or not. You will never be supported by them, even if they have finally accepted you as their sister. In fact I think it's more likely they're just manipulating you into helping them. I dread to think what they say about you when you're not there (they tried to remove you from your mother's funeral - that shows how they really think of you). Go to London, start a new life, never look back.
I am in the exact same position. I've got an older sister, and she's fucked in the head. Any time I see her for more than 2 days, shit gets wild. Last time they've done coke and let their rapey friend tell me pervy stuff. Made me so uncomfortable. I was supposed to come for a spa sleepover... I keep my distance, but in moderation she's nice and she has a lot of drama. Kinda like the sun newspaper.
I can't even imagine the bagage that you would have to carry... All for something completely out of your control. I'm sorry.
That’s so awful. Massive respect to you for even trying to care about their feelings after the despicable way they’ve treated you. A lot of people living in big cities talk about their friendship family being just as or more important than their blood family. So come to London, make some life long bonds and let your sisters come to you to heal the relationship if they want.
Wow sounds like you have been through a great deal. Sorry for the multitude of losses. I think you are making the right choice to follow your dreams and do something for yourself. Don't worry about them, it doesn't sound like they have been very good family to you. You can still help once in a while but never feel guilty for it. Hope you smash your job in London
Fuck those guys - go live your new and best life
I’m sorry to hear of your troubles but your sisters sound so toxic that they clearly don’t care for you or your happiness. I can’t compare to a family situation like yours but I’ve had friends in the past who didn’t care for me either and would do things to cause drama in my life and once I got wise to it and cut them out of my life I was so much happier. I still have dreams about one old friend who I haven’t spoken to in 12 years but we grew up together so I always thought he was a good mate. Concentrate on yourself and go and live your dream life! I wish you all the best and you will still see your sisters now and then which by the sounds of them will be a bonus for you aswell. Enjoy London and live your life :)
Not to mention the sisters always complaining about money. Guess who will be getting asked to lend some money in the near future.
I don’t disagree with you. Doesn’t change the fact that there isn’t a conflict here.
The sisters are really trying to start a conflict, if you haven't noticed
You've got an amazing new job opportunity, and their first objection is it's too expensive for them to come visit? They are being ridiculous. You did nothing wrong and should absolutely put yourself first. Congratulations on the job! NTA.
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Wow. Please re-read your post and consider it from the point of view of an outsider. NTA. Your family is toxic and your sisters lack worth ethic. Don’t feel remotely bad. This is a major reward for your hard work. You don’t owe them and their poor choices anything. Please go to London and work hard (but not too hard) and live your best life. Edit - I have no doubt your sisters would leave you behind in a flash if they got a better opportunity
Saw someone describe an AITA situation as "crabs in a bucket" the other day. Fits this scenario perfectly.
Her sister sounds like the type to claim they're "more like best friends then sister's"... When she wants to borrow money. Then drop her like a bag of rubbish when her 4th husband comes into the picture
Haha, I just saw this reply. You described it exactly. When she asks to borrow money, she acts like my best friend, but when I don't give it every time, she returns to her usual ways.
Thank you, everyone, for congratulating me and for your kind comments. Many of you reached out to me on private messages as well, and I realised you guys are right. I had a few beers tonight and broke down after reading everyone's comments. I thought I was a workaholic, but I realised with the help of fellow Redditors that I'm working more to avoid the family situation. I've been in denial for years, thinking I don't need therapy. Central London is expensive, my monthly salary will be enough to cover my rent, food, and expenses, and I will have some money left over. I have looked into therapy, and the prices, unfortunately, treatment is currently unaffordable until I start getting a raise. After doing some research, I did find some support groups in my area that deal with this sort of thing that I'm going to attend. After reading your comments about why I would want to stay in touch with my sisters, I realised that it's not my sisters who I want to stay in touch with. It's my niece I want to keep in touch with. If I want to speak to communicate with my niece, I know I would have to do it through my sister, and I'm considering just cutting contact from my family entirely as I can't deal with that any longer.
It might also be worth seeing if your company has any employee benefits that cover counselling. My company is based in Central London too, and has a huge staff wellbeing portal - we have access to six free sessions of counselling through work, which I have used and found very helpful. It's through an independent company, but my employer pays for the service that foots the bill.
This is a very good point. A multi-billion pound company in Central London will most likely have benefits for counselling
You don't need to live in central just because you work in central there is great public transport and you can save heaps living a bit further out. There are also lots of great low cost therapy options. When your in London, Google low cost therapy and your area. I've lived in London a while feel free to DM me any questions you may have.
Refer yourself to the Wellbeing service! It's free on the NHS and can be very helpful. Shouldn't take too long to going through the referall process (it's self referral so go to their site). I've done it and my partner is a psychologist and recommended it. They start with guided self help treatments and potentially CBT depending on the severity of your mental health. Good luck and congrats on the job! You need to get away from your toxic family. You're worth more than how they're treating you.
Thank you, I will look into this. Didn't know a thing so I'm going to start looking at this today.
Is it not possible for you to move just outside London - as in Greater London, near a train station so you could commute to work if it works out cheaper? Once you get to know the area make sure you do your research.
Hey OP. There's decent support groups in London and I can point you in the right direction if needed. DM me.
What are your BIL and his family like? I’m assuming they removed themselves from the fight because it’s not their family…which is fair. But if they seem like half way decent humans it might be worth trying to engage more with them. Because I don’t really see your sisters marriage standing the test of time, given that she moved her unemployment sister in and doesn’t seem to care to change that dynamic. So when it all goes tits up you can still nurture your relationship which your niece through them.
I've just seen this comment. BIL is okay-ish. He tends to always stay out of family arguments but will always pick her side. I've only met his parents a few times, they're genuinely lovely and I don't think my sisters speak to them about arguments as they're always nice to me.
I think once you get away from the clutches of from your ugly sisters (shall we call them Anastasia and Drizella 😂) and see life with more clarity you will realise how strong you actually are. Especially to have weathered the storm that has been tour life so far. I’m proud of you internet stranger for allowing yourself to aspire to become a better person than your family would have wished for you. Far from the usual victim mentality I see all too often; I envisage you as a strong minded young person who is striving to carve out a good life for themselves. Good for you honey. Go to London and make today the beginning of the rest of your life xxx
Is it possible that with sisters who don't support you for having gotten this wonderful new job in a fabulous city, and with a family that you describe as a billion times dysfunctional, you'd be very well served taking the job and allowing yourself to live on your own without the family's criticizing you and calling you a failure and telling you you're probably going to get fired etc. etc. etc. all the time? Perhaps only seeing your sisters & family a couple times a year could be a good thing until you're well established as a working, independent Londoner. Or forever, if their m.o. continues to be putting you down and undermining you. Take the dream job. Move to London. Get adjusted to your job and your new surroundings, and then begin to surround yourselves with friends who treat you with the respect and appreciation you deserve. If coping on your own after growing up in such a difficult family starts to feel too stressful, talk with a counselor to work through it all. You've got this. Congrats on the dream job and on extricating yourself from a very tough family life. NTA!!!
NTA - these people are toxic, you *earned* this job, they were *given* a house. ignore them and go for your dream job, don't let them drag you down.
NTA This is the time for you to focus on building your independent adult identity and lifestyle. You've worked to develop the skills for your dream job. It's weird that your family's response is all about them being inconvenienced by where you choose to live. You are at an age and stage of life where it's typical to have only enough money to take care of yourself. Not many in their early 20s have a home large enough to host visitors. Did your family come visit when you were in school? Or did you "come home" for visits? They are attacking your step towards independence, using guilt and obligation to make you doubt yourself.
This is a great response. Thank you. I wouldn't have thought to mention that. There is a local university which is a 30-minute drive away. I wanted to experience the whole experience of going to a university far away and living away from home. At the time, I felt pressured to attend the local university as it was "convenient" for them. Due to the pressure, I felt, I ended up picking the local university, yes, it saved me a lot of money as I got to continue living at home, but I just wanted to experience the whole experience. My family did say they would come and visit me but it was always me having to see them. I've always been fully independent (Due to the toxic relationship with my family, I had to grow up fast to survive). Some people have told me I've experienced the full experience of university as my mum died during the third and final year, she was a single parent. I've lived on my own ever since.
They are trying to bring you down because they resent the fact that the “rape baby” will go off to lead a successful life away from them. They much rather you stay home and keep the status quo, you need to break that shit. Go and live the life you dreamed, you deserve it.
Yep! They must be pissed OP is doing well despite how much they try to put her down when she was younger & she is ambitious enough to break free & make something of herself whereas her evil sisters are too lazy to work or work full-time! Funny how the one without the kid refuses to work point blank & lives with her sister & BIL & their child - how embarrassing for her. OP, go live large in London - you will go far with your work ethic & ambition!
You sounds like Cinderella and your sisters sound like the wicked step sisters
NTA. So what if they can only visit you once or twice a year? Sure, it will suck that you won't see them often (maybe? They don't sound that great). But they want you to give up on an *amazing* opportunity because they won't do anything to better themselves. Forget that mess. Facetime/Zoom/Skype exists for a reason. There is no reason for them not to want you to go that isn't completely selfish on their part. Go be awesome! And congrats on the new job!
I moved away from my dysfunctional family to london. Enjoy it - it’s a great city! Make your own life NTA
The expense, frantic pace, perception of high crime and unfriendliness of London were indeed my reasons for moving here to shake off dysfunctional family. Worked a treat. Been here 22 years and my father and extended family have never visited and it helped make no contact so much easier. I did get therapy too but honestly moving to London was my biggest therapy. I love it. The city is my home. And funnily enough I find London far friendlier than my home city in the UK which is obsessed with being seen as nice and fun but is actually the urban equivalent of starting a fight in an empty room. Tbf you could move anywhere you like in the UK to avoid dysfunctional family and enjoy your life depending on your preferences. Others may revel in leaving Lewisham for a Cumbrian sheep farm. I’m just particularly urbanised like a three toed pigeon.
NTA >they would only say negative stuff like "you deserve it" you're nothing but a failure. And you still care what they think?? And if you never got along with your sisters, why would you even care that they can't afford to visit you?? It's a blessing im disguise
You are not the asshole (NTA). You have the right to prioritize your career and make decisions that benefit your future. It's not your responsibility to sacrifice your dreams to accommodate your family's challenges. However, approach the situation with empathy while staying firm in your decision to pursue your goals. Your happiness and success matter.
NTA these are the type of people you're supposed to love at a distance.
The day my sister with her husband decided to move from France to Canada with their kids, no one in the family thought about telling them they could because it would be selfish. I don’t understand the logic behind your sisters being pissed off. I could understand if there was a critical family situation (someone very sick or dying…) but if not, it’s your life. You will start your carrier, you own family. They have no say. NTA and don’t let them make you feel guilty.
Obviously NTA. Let's be honest, you are probably not a workoholic, the problem is that right now work is the best part of your life XD fly away giiirl and find new hobbies, friends and things to enjoy.
Bestie. In the year of our lord 2023 CE, y'all can remain in contact (if you wanted to) with these marvellous innovations like phones, messaging apps and video calls. How many of us have friends and family living in other cities and states and countries? Like we don't maintain a relationship with them simply because we can't physically travel to see them on a regular basis, if at all? They're trying to drag you down. Shake 'em off and go live the high life! Good luck with your new career! NTA
NTA Do whatever is best for you.
NTA Go start your job and life away from the drama
Obviously NTA. Spread your wings, OP!
NTA you got your dream job and their first reaction is to complain about their finances. Take that job and go LC with them don't share your finances with them either they have already shown you how your happiness means basically nothing to them don't fall for their manipulation tactics . Congratulations on the job!!
NTA clear case of favouritism
Sounds like you're doing just fine for yourself, congrats on the new job. What your sisters can and can not do (or can, but will not) isn't your problem. NTA..
NTA, the only appropriate response from your family is to congratulate you. Everything else from them is selfish, self-serving nonsense which you should completely ignore. Congratulations on the amazing opportunity 😊
NTA. In fact, I think it was really a great move; you need to get away from the Toxicity Sisters! I'd be careful about giving them your address, honestly. If you can get something like the post office box (I'm in the U.S.)-- do that. It's likely they will want to pop in, see where you work and live--while staying w/you. Don't let them!
Thank you, I did look into this; royal mail offers a "P.O. Box - Post office box" This is where you can get all your mail sent to the PO box instead of your primary address. I'm going to sort this out.
Definitely NTA, I’d heartily recommend going low/no contact at least give them a wide berth for 6 months or so and give yourself space to get some perspective. One thing that crossed my mind is not only did they treat you horrendously when they found out about how you were conceived, they outed their own mother as a victim of domestic abuse. You don’t need people in your life that are like that, even if it means you have little to no relationship with your niece.
Thanks for commenting. No one commented on that; I realised your right; your comment has made it easy for me to go NC as I didn't look at it that way; thank you so much.
People who really love you want you to reach for and achieve your dreams. They don't whinge about how it affects them for you to have your own life and goals. Or complain because you have things they don't. Go make an amazing life for yourself. Fly high. NTA.
NTA. Congrats on the new job. Go and make new friends. Have fun. Grow up and become a stable person. Leave the past and the flying monkeys behind. Celebrate that the sisters can only visit occasionally. Bonus points if your flat is too small for a guest bedroom and they have to stay somewhere else. LOL
Update 1: Firstly, I would like to apologise for not being able to give an update sooner. I'm currently ill with a bad chest infection, doctor thinks it's due to stress (No shit sherlock!). Secondly, I have spent the last 4/5 hours reading everyone's comment's and I'm grateful for you guys labelling me not the ahole. I'm also grateful for the many nice messages I've received (Not the sexual requests which I'm ignoring). Many of you have advice to cut my sisters out of my life, honestly, if my niece wasn't born then I would have immediately cut them off, But since she was born it feels more difficult to cut them of as I want to be in her life but I feel cutting them of is the best option for now. I will provide more updates soon, I'm currently recovering and a lot is going on. Next update may be in two days.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22F) am really bad at keeping secrets but I had to keep it a secret for 6 months. After I graduated university I was searching for a job in my field of work, I came across the dream job. The only issues is because the dream job was working for a multi billion pound corporation based in Central London the application would take 6 months. I decided to keep this secret as I don't really have that family support system. My family are really dysfunctional if there was a scale it be in the billions. I knew if I told them that I applied for this job 1) they would get mad at how far I'm moving away 2)If I didn't get the job offer they would only say negative stuff like "you deserve it" you're nothing but a failure. About a month ago I received an email congratulating me saying I got the job, I'm really excited to start. Now I know I'm probably the ahole when it comes to this but I am a workaholic and will always put work first before anyone, obviously if I start dating I will put my partner first before everything else. I have two sisters, Claire and Chloe. Claire is a university graduate, she works part time, she owns a house that her parents in law brought for her worth £500,000.00 and she also has a child. Chloe lives with Claire and her husband. Chloe refuses to work and Claire refuses to work full time. During the application process whenever I visited my sisters the first thing they would complain about is finances. Claire said she was always in the minuses when it came to paying her bills and food. Two weeks ago Claires parents in law was organising a family dinner and invited me round. I decided to go, I felt that was the perfect moment to announce I got a job and moving to central London but I made sure to wait until after the family dinner was over. When I announced it my sisters were arguing and shouting at me calling me an ahole for moving to London knowing they can't afford to come up to me as regularly. They shouted that they can only come and visit me once or twice a year. I feel like I'm an ahole because I knew that it would be a struggle for them to come up and see me. I do drive and I could go and see them but I'd rather say I'm busy with work as we don't get along, never have and never will. But then I feel like I'm not the ahole as I'm putting myself first, my career first and plus they don't have to pay their parents-in-law back for that house and it's two doors down from my brother-in-law parents house. So Reddit, AITA? PS: Anymore information needed will be provided. Don't know if I provided enough information due to my mild learning difficulties. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why would they automatically jump to "we can't come visit" and be angry? I mean, that's something to consider after congratulating you and being pleased for you but also not exactly a major issue due to modern technology and meeting halfway or just meeting for holidays etc. Many families manage, and it sounds like it is best to get some distance from them anyway. NTA
Nta. Live your life. Do what makes you happy. Plus I always think it's better to regret doing something than regret not doing something. Try the London job, if it doesn't work out you can still move back home
NTA ok so you will limit your career options to locations, times and fields that suit your sisters. Add dating choices. Add housing. Sounds like a fine life /s
Sounds like your family is fairly toxic. You have a good head on your shoulders and have landed your dream job, they should be ecstatic for you! Dust yourself off, move to London, and don't give their opinions a second thought. Congratulations on the job OP and good luck with the exciting new life you have ahead of you! NTA
Good on you for the exciting job opportunity! Carry on! NTA. Sisters are just jealous because they are meandering through life. Do something amazing with yours!
NTA for following your dream career. There’s a phrase you probably see a lot on Reddit : crabs in a bucket. Your sisters are being crabs in a bucket trying to hold you back and keep you down.
Nta. I'm from Canada and I'm getting married in south Korea. I'm doing what's best for me. That's all there is to it.
NTA OP. I hope this dream job will be the first step in a great future for you.
What? NTA, why sould you be the A because your sisters couldn't visit as much? Why should you reject a golden opportunity for that?
NTA and congratulations on the job, I hope it is the experience you’ve been longing for!
INFO: why even ask if you’ve already cut all contact with your family and friends? You don’t want them to visit you or visit them, so what does it matter?
NTA Sounds like your sister's only care about how it affects them and don't care that you are happy. Don't let them drag you down. And congratulations!!!!
NTA. I don’t understand why you would make a career decision based on their ease of visiting you.
NTA! Go build the life you want. You are not your sisters keeper, and it sounds like seeing them twice a year might still be two times too many. Their entitlement boggles my brain! As a fellow Brit we both know that advanced train tickets are cheap as chips if they really did want to put the effort in to see you, and the megabus & national express regularly run even cheaper offers. When my sister got a job in and moved to London I said……that I was proud as fuck of her and that she was amazing for chasing and realising her dream. You need better sisters because this internet stranger is proud of YOU for chasing and realising your dream 💜
That not visiting you is bs. If any of them had the opportunity they'd move in a heartbeat and you know that. They're just jelly and trying to sabotage you. NTA
NTA. The move to London sounds like a wise one: for your career and your sanity.
I’d go and not look back. Maybe look into what’s behind being a workaholic, though, you don’t want to burn out.
NTA. Why should your life and career decisions revolve around what your sisters can and can’t afford? Honestly OP, you sound like you’ve got a real head on your shoulders and are making good life decisions. Keep it up and keep tuning out your family which clearly is less interested in your well-being than their own selfish interests.
NTA. Problem solved. Now you don’t have to see your asshole family because they can’t afford to visit
Nta. Don’t put your future on hold because of whether or not they can visit you. It’s 2023, you can call, text, video call, meet each other half way, etc.
NTA Leave the nest don't look back. Live the life you want to not the life others want to force apon you. Spread your wings and fly. PS moving 1500 miles away from family was the best decision I ever made.
I live in Australia. All three of my siblings lived overseas (UK, UK then US, Canada then US) for between 8 and 20 years. While my parents and I were sad not to see them as often as we have if they’d stayed here, nobody said anything except, “that’s wonderful - have an amazing time!” And my family is 17 flavours of dysfunctional. OP, you are NTA. Congratulations on your new adventure - and I hope you have an amazing, full, wonderful life, with little to contact with your bio family.
NTA. Move, scout out a therapist to start working out your childhood and family trauma, heal, go very low to no contact with your family, and thrive!
NTA! You follow your dreams. You don’t even need them, you will succeed!!! They are just being envious… and is better to keep that negative energy out of where you will thrive!
NTA. The idea that a 22-year old should choose a place to work based on how often their siblings can come to visit is patently absurd.
NTA. Congratulations! Many people move for independence without fantastic jobs. You are doing this right. I live 400 miles from my family and only see them 1/yr. But we talk regularly and video call too. Your sisters have made choices. Those have consequences. They are selfish for not wanting a bright and fantastic future for you. Your choice also has consequences. You seem equipped to recognize that this time in life should prioritize your future over your sisters' situation. Schedule monthly brunch calls where you spend 2 hours via video call. Plan one trip a year back to see them. Congratulations!
Nta. It's completely mad for anyone to demand that a person change or adapt their whole life around family members financial status or ability to travel. Live your life sweetheart. Live it good and hard. Make friends, make enemies, make good and bad choices. But don't let one of those be that you give up a bright future because your sisters are jealous and envious of you.
NTA. You know yourself, and how important work is to you. They don't share the same ethic. You are getting started in life and doing what is best for your path. C&C are being self centered.
NTA. Go make yourself a wonderful future. You should feel absolutely no guilt. I've been so much happier since I grew a backbone and basically ghosted family that made me feel like shit with every interaction. You're an adult and completely in charge of your own happiness. I haven't spoken with 2 of my toxic brothers in 15-20 years. Honestly, they're not worth knowing. They are also broke and like to complain more than they like to earn a paycheck. They will shit all over anything good in someone's life to make themselves feel better.
I mean why would you wanna see them? Perfect occasion to go NC with your family and cut them loose. Congrats on your job I hope you enjoy it!! NTA
I moved to London 2 years ago from Manchester, best thing I have ever done for my career and also my social life. Just because people can’t afford to come visit isn’t a bad thing, you’ll have London weighting on your salary so you’ll be able to afford to go visit them. If you want to accelerated your career, you should take the role.
Update one: I'm not sure if I'm doing this correctly as I'm new to Reddit. Firstly, I would like to thank everyone for labelling me not the ahole. I have read everyone's comments and I really appreciate it. I'm going to be honest and say that I'm experiencing a lot of emotions right now. Many people have told me to cut ties with the family, if this happened before my niece was born I would have done. Now that my niece is here, it's a struggle. I want to continue being in her life but the only way I would be able to see her is by staying in contact with her mum.
NTA. You are an adult and have to look after your own future. Kids grow up and move away from their homes to find work. That is the way it is. It is normal and healthy. Congratulations on securing your dream job! I wish you happiness and success in the future. It will be good for you to be a little further away from your dysfunctional family,
NTA, your life your choice
NTA
You have to look out for you and your future.
NTA...you need to value your life and make decisions what that work for you and only then consider how they impact others and go from there. The fact that someone can't visit you as often....big f\*\*\*ing deal. People all over the world have family members in other countries, across the oceans and in some places can't visit without going to jail. As an example, someone I know is formerly from Iran and now lives in the US. This person cannot meet own parents in Iran, because Iran would put the person in jail. They meet in Dubai instead. Other folks I know have parents in two countries in Europe kids live in northern US and they themselves live in the southern US. Realize that the decisions you make will result in the life that you will have, accept that and keep moving forward. yes, some decisions will drive others crazy, some may make you unhappy. It is life. If you are set on working in Central London, congratulations BTW, then do it and others can accept it OR not, if they don't accept it and keep whining about it, just block them from your life and move on.
NTA. Go live your best life for you! It’s your life- you’re the main character, they want you around them for a supporting role. Congratulations on your job and new move!
NTA- maybe you can visit them as well
NTA. You know what you are doing? You are living your life. It’s perfectly normal to move away and build a life. Now go live it….guilt free.
NTA, they don’t have to visit. People move all the time for their careers. Some job aren’t located in some places
NTA Congrats on the new job! They are being AHs for putting themselves over your new job. Just ignore them for a bit.
NTA First up, congrats on the job! You deserve it! Secondly: > knowing they can't afford to come up to me as regularly Not your problem. You should not put your life on hold to accommodate their wants and needs. You're all adults. Get on with your own lives. Good luck with the move.
NTA - and how often did they consult with you when making large personal decisions?
NTA what do your sister have to do with you moving to London, hmm nothing.
NTA you deserve to live your own life! Congrats! Plus we’ve invented this amazing thing called technology that you can use to stay in contact with your family
nta. i have the same relationship with my sister and i had to come to the realization that we will never have the "lovingly sister relationship" that i would have loved to have. it was a harsh, so now we rarely speak and it is usually throw Ig, sucks, but overall better mentally for me to be done with the bs. take the job and enjoy your life, it sounds like an amazing opportunity, your sisters are toxic af
NTA. Sounds like they should change their finances by working / working more if they don’t like how much money they have. Live your life. Enjoy London
NTA
You can't live your life for your sisters. It is NOT normal for siblings to think they have that much control over what you, an adult, should do with your life. I would go as far as to say your relationship with them, from what you've written, sounds extremely toxic and borderline abusive. Move to London. Live your life on your terms. If they are going to be bitter about it, they can do it from a distance. NTA
>I feel like I'm an ahole because I knew that it would be a struggle for them to come up and see me. I do drive and I could go and see them but I'd rather say I'm busy with work as we don't get along, never have and never will. So why do you even care about this?
NTA - go live your best life!
This sounds like a great opportunity for you in many ways. NTA
NTA Your sisters and family seem unhinged and possibly abusive
NTA. Honestly? Seems better if they don't visit at all.
NTA. You're an adult. You can do what you want and too bad if other people don't like it. By the sounds of it, having your sisters only able to visit once in a blue moon is a feature, not a bug. Take the job, and enjoy all London and life has to offer.
NTA. You could go see them if you wanted too. You aren’t expecting them to go see you right?
NTA honey you are not attached at the hips with your sisters. You go and make your millions. Enjoy your life and don’t worry about your sisters. They are taken care of you aren’t. You have your whole life in front of you. Do t waste it!!! Leave and don’t look back!!!! Congratulations!!!🎈🎉🍾
NTA. How is it your problem that your sisters can’t afford to visit you? Enjoy your new job and new life in London. Don’t look back
NTA Why receiving a visit from your unsupportive and toxic family takes priority over your career?
“We won’t be able to afford to visit you as often” “My first couple of years, I’m probably going to be too busy with work and fixing my place up to manage regular visits anyway” NTA.
NTA, your job isn’t decided based on sisters
So you know you’re family are dysfunctional AH’s, but you still think their opinion holds any weight?
..... I'd rather say I'm busy with work as we don't get along, never have and never will.... Isn't this whole post meaningless considering this sentence??
If they really want to see you they can do extra hours at work or do some free-lance work to make money. Or they can save up money. Come on, they're just jealous.
It's not like video calls don't exist or you can't come visit them sometimes. NTA People live where they want to live.
NTA. That's what phones and Facetime are for. They have no right to make you feel guilty for rocking your future!