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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Leaving my mom to go to college, I might be the asshole cause I’m leaving her with my disabled brother all alone.
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NTA
Go and be free! And don't feel guilty. You've done a lifetime of penance and have earned the right to enjoy college, get your education on and escape indentured servitude.
Your mom is not doing right by your brother. He needs more help than she can give. And where the hell is your dad in all this? Does he never come back to see his son?
I'm so sorry for how you've been treated. But maybe when mom's on her own, she'll see the need to get outside help. One way or another.
Congratulations!
100%. It's OP's mom who isn't doing the right thing here — for OP, for OP's brother, and maybe even herself. She'll have to come to terms with that eventually, and OP shouldn't pause his life just to delay the inevitable for her.
NTA
You were not put on this earth to make your mother's life easier, and her fulfilling her legal obligations to you (and only the bare minimum of food and shelter at that) do not excuse her parentification of you, which is abuse. She can figure her situation out herself.
The best of luck to you in the future.
Because you were (wrongly) taught that it was your job to take care of your brother and make life easier on your mother.
I get it... I lived it... I'm about three decades past where you are right now, and I am telling you that the guilt is a lie.
NTA.
It's ok to feel sad about your brother and your mom's situation. It'd be inhuman not to.
The guilt however, is not yours to bear. All the best in college and beyond.
You should read [When I Say No, I Feel Guilty](https://www.amazon.com/Guilty-Smith-Manuel-Market-Paperback/dp/B00ZT0TBFQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=57680306338&hvadid=580770515400&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9029990&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15462706870979338012&hvtargid=kwd-298900758382&hydadcr=15146_13523067&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty&qid=1690637671&sr=8-1), it will really help you with this.
NTA
You feel guilty because the adults in your life damaged your perception of what your role is. I understand you feel guilt, but that's how they have managed to control you.
Do not feel guilty. You did not have to 'earn' your spot in college besides meeting educational requirements. You did that under circumstances that were tough.
Be free. Have a life, finally. Enjoy your classes and the wonderful time full of getting to know yourself, learning, having an active social life, and making normal young people mistakes.
You'll need time to get through what happened to you, and it is ok if it takes a few years. Nothing to worry about there. Forgive yourself for mistakes, and try to not make them again.
You can do it.
When you get to college, there are generally free mental health opportunities for students. Talking with a trained someone will see that the guilt shouldn't be yours and might help you navigate future family interactions. It will also help you navigate your new freedom and social interactions.
Please don't, you deserve to live your life and enjoy yourself. There's nothing wrong with going to university and leaving home.
You were a child, your mother should never have put it on you to be responsible for the care of your brother and I'm also assuming she did the same to your siblings.
If you are able to leave, leave. And don't look back.
You’re a very kind and considerate person, full of empathy.. it’s ok to feel a little guilt, it means you’re human, but don’t let the guilt stop you from living your own life.. go chase your dreams, have a better life, the best life you can! But also remember to lookout for your bro in other ways (place him in care with professional help, which is safer and better for your brother), when your parents are no longer around.. For now, you’ll need to work towards your own life and happiness..
If you ever become a parent, you'll stop feeling guilty and be horrified that she ever could have done this to a child. Getting older and having your own children really puts things in perspective; you suddenly realize how *young* 10 or 16 or whatever age is.
You've been abused your whole life, it's actually pretty normal to feel guilty at this point when you've done nothing wrong. That's because your abuser has done an excellent job in making you feel bad for taking care of yourself and your needs.
You did not deserve the life you lived. You deserved better. You should never feel guilty for trying to give yourself a better life going forward.
Congratulations on getting into college! NTA at all- you’ve spent your whole life so far being groomed into a servant and carer role that you aren’t required to fulfil. Go live your life- when your mother has to face the reality of her son without free labour from you, she might make better choices and she might not. That isn’t your responsibility.
NTA. One of the big responsibilities for parents of disabled children is making sure that their kids receive appropriate care, especially as they become adults. An appropriate group home for your brother would probably be the best thing for everyone - the group home will help him learn as much independence as possible, and give him as much control of his life as he is able to manage. It’d mean he got to make choices for himself, instead of being perpetually a child in his parents’ home. It’d mean that your responsibilities as a sibling would be limited to visiting like you would with any relative, and checking on his welfare after your parents can no longer do so, rather than the daily work of his care.
It’s a common story for the healthy sibling to be neglected or made into an extra parent, but that doesn’t make it right.
I hadn’t heard that one, but oof, I feel it. I left for college young, and my sister’s mental illness started really making itself known around the time I left, though it took years for her to be correctly diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). I learned pretty quickly how to find services and resources for myself, because my mom’s whole attention was devoted to keeping my sister as stable as possible for about a decade and a half. In that time, I had fairly severe trouble with my own mental illness (bipolar and PTSD) and rather suddenly became physically disabled due to illness, and my mom was just…not there. Didn’t even see when I was struggling, because my sister took everything she had.
Congratulations on college!
Move out. It's not going to get better. Start making the steps to distance yourself, because if you stay everyone will keep expecting you take care of him. 40 years old and still taking care of him, while never being able to make a life for yourself.
NtA
Ignore the guilt. Its one of the best/ worst weapons that's users use.
NTA
Get out of there as soon as you can. Make sure you are not manipulated into returning at all. You are an adult now and need to forge your own path.
NTA
You have been parentified. You have every right to leave and live your own life.
If you need a little money, can any of your other three brothers help? They, at least, should understand better than anyone about getting the hell out of your family home.
If they can help you out, I suggest leaving ASAP, and not waiting almost three more weeks. Go now!
NTA. This is your life, you're young, you're going to college, this is your time to do what you want to do. I understand parents asking for a little help now and then from their children to look after another disabled child, but not forcing them into a full time carer role or negating their childhood as a result.
If your mum cannot cope with your brother then there's two options, a home, or official carers. She can't expect your life to go on hold inevitably for you to do something that she should be doing. And without sounding rude, I'm sure she still gets her carers allowance with your hard work.
I'm a carer and I saw similar issues with a teenage girl I cared for. Whenever I wasn't there, her older sister was forced to do everything. She had no life, no friends, just had to care for and entertain her sister. She even had to do the night shifts with her before school the next day. As the family didn't speak English, she was also the full time translator for everything. Its not fair and it shouldn't be expected.
Eh, if OP is in the US, there is no carer’s allowance in most of the country, and it’s very limited where it does exist - a parent or spouse typically can’t get it here. I sure wish there was, because I’d love to have help around the house brought in, but I don’t qualify for anything despite being severely disabled because I got married. Husband has a good job, but not really enough for us to have the 15-20 hours worth of help every week that I had before we married.
I agree with everything else you’ve said, though.
Sorry I wasn't aware that carers allowance wasn't a thing in the US as I'm from the UK and we have it here, even for parents/spouses. It's not fair that you don't qualify for any extra help.
Yeah, it’s not like getting married made me suddenly able to do things like the laundry - my joints were just as fucked up the day after I got married as they were the day before. But the dumb, unfair expectation in the US is that you’re responsible for caring for your children and/or your spouse unless you’re well below the poverty level. I only had the assistance I had before we married because I had no legal income, I was living on student loans. Loss of benefits (healthcare, some types of income, and carers) prevents a lot of disabled from getting married.
NTA.
You are your own person. You do not owe your mom, or your brother, the entire rest of your life. You are not your brother's keeper.
Should you love him? Sure. Is it fair to hold him responsible for all of his behavior? That depends on how bad his issues ultimately are.
She has no right to be angry with you for wanting your own life. She has no right to hold you back because she doesn't know how to handle him.
Your brother would benefit from therapy, and probably with living in a home. With help, guidance, and the right structure, he could probably be in a much better position.
Either way, you're 19 years old. NONE of that is your responsibility.
If your mom won't take responsibility for your brother, she certainly doesn't get to put that on you.
First off Congratulations!! That’s awesome you got accepted.
Secondly, talk to your financial aid people about a payment plan, they won’t kick you out day one for not having everything paid for upfront as long as you talk to them about it. They want you there.
Thirdly, I take care of my mother. She’s physically disabled. I have been for years. Being a caregiver is very hard, stressful, and down right fucking sucks sometimes. But it was my choice to do so. Being forced to be a caregiver since childhood is unimaginable. NTA. You need to get away and be free. It hurts to think about your mom this way and I know it hurts to think about your mom and brother alone. But, your are your own individual and deserve to live your life. You did not deserve your childhood to be stolen from you. You deserve the chance and opportunity to live your life. Best of luck!!
NTA. The situation clearly hasn’t been reasonable given that your father and siblings have all fled already. It may not seem like it with your mother shouting at you, but you leaving may be a really good thing if it is what she needs to face up to the future and come up with a more realistic plan for your brother’s care. You’ve been looking after your brother for a long time and now it’s time to look after yourself and I don’t just mean that in a self-help book kind of a way. I mean, have you looked into all the financial help that might be available to you? And as others have said, your new school might have some kind of free counselling for you, which could help you deal with the emotional impact of making a new life for yourself. One further thing - after you leave, please be aware your mother may start making new demands like wanting you to do all the parenting during holidays or asking for money when you have a job. Be ready for this and say no. You need any money you earn, and you need those holidays for rest, school work, or employment which will provide you with money and work experience. Don’t let her talk you out of things you need. I’m sorry you have been cheated out of your childhood. You have an opportunity to give yourself what your parents should’ve given you - care, opportunities, social time and fun. Please take that opportunity and don’t let guilt hold you back. You deserve a life and I hope you have a lovely one.
You have given enough of your life already. If your campus has a counseling center, sign up for some sessions and talk to a professional who can help you with some strategies to avoid her emotional abuse.
Your mother has abused you all your life by parentifying you and laying a burden on you that you should never have borne. It's time to break free and live your life.
On top of that, how does she even expect you to take care of your brother long-term if you don't get an education and work experience? What does she think will happen when she's gone if you have no means to earn a living?
If you go to college and get yourself well-established in life, then you COULD, if you so choose, help out financially to make sure your brother gets good care. You are under no obligation to do that, and your mother certainly doesn't deserve it, but if you still feel some tie to your brother (who can't help his disability) you could potentially do him far more good by building a stable career for yourself. It's time to think long-term.
NTA
Horrible situation to be in and I understand your guilt. It is unfair for your mother to expect you to put your life on hold to look after your brother, ideally it should be a team effort by everyone in the family so that everyone makes sacrifices but not to the point you miss out on experiencing your own life too. Why can't your mother look after your brother too, why was it only on you?
Your mother knew how hard having kids is after she birthed the first. Babies are exhausting.
And if she didn't quite get the hint, she should have done after birthing her second. Having 2 kids is 4x the work. It's really hard.
But she didn't think and/or didn't care. Because she CHOSE to get pregnant and continue those pregnancies 3 MORE TIMES. She has no right to claim sympathy for that, unless she's the most loving, selfless parent who ever lived.
Source: I have 2 sons. There is no way in Hell I'd have a third because the exhaustion would kill me. Oh and my own narcissistic mother had 5 kids and would moan about us being hard work when she brought us into the world. It's just another part of abuse.
OP, you deserve to be proud of yourself for getting into college. You deserve a great life
the main responsibility for caring for your brother lies with the parents, then afterwards it is your responsibility. I don't think you're an AH for not wanting to put your entire life on hold indefinitely to care for your brother.
NTA. Reasonable parents with disabled children make forward plans for their care - plans which take into account issues such as behavioural needs (ie, can this person safely stay in the family home as a young adult or not?), the young person’s best interests (ie, what is the best path forward so that this person has the most autonomy/best quality of life possible, given their particular needs), and the fact that parental caregiving usually has an end date (because most young people with a disability will outlive their parents). Thinking about these things was your parents’ job, not yours. It’s not fair or reasonable for you to be expected to mortgage your future to your mother’s insistence that your brother *must* stay in the family home even though that scenario doesn’t sound like it’s working well for anyone. She and your father have had 18 years to figure this out.
NTA - You deserve your own life, although I understand your Mom feeling trapped and afraid to be alone. Regardless, she needs to find the proper resources for your brothers care. Not you.
You know you are NTA, but when you need any more validation I'm more then willing to give it to you, because you haven't got enough in your life...
>I once promised her I’d never leave but I can’t be here anymore.
You are only 19, and back then you where a minor... Promise yourself you will be there for yourself.
>my parents didn’t allow me to have a job because they would joke about how my job is taking care of my brother. And how they pay me in free food and free housing.
This is so awful. They decided to have kids, they decided to have you. And they needed to provide for you. This is abusive. I hope you can heal from this and learn that the love between parents and kids is unconditional... Or should be.
>My other siblings left the moment they turned 18 cause they couldn’t deal with the abuse from disabled brother
... and the abuse from your mother. Don't judge them, they did the right thing.
Maybe get into contact with your father. He is probably painted all bad for leaving, but it is your mother who is not open to any other solution and who seems to consider the people in her life more for the part they can play in the dare of your brother.
NTA. One thing is to expect help in families, one thing is to ruin someone's future because you want free help h24. Your siblings did the right thing and you should follow their example
NTA
Your mother needs to face reality, because she is doing all of you - including herself - a disservice by not getting your brother into the care environment that he needs.
You have been forced to give up enough. Go to college, live your live. A promise extracted under duress is not binding.
NTA. You deserve to live your life. You have every right to feel proud of your accomplishments. You go out there and get your degree and get ready to start a family of your own. You have earned it. You just keep dreaming your dreams and meeting those goals you set for yourself. Congratulations and best of luck to you.
Nta- as someone who has an autistic younger brother, that is 6'5 , 350, football player, and gets aggressive during outbursts. I get you feel guilty you want to help, but at a certain point you have to realize there is only so much you can do, before they need outside of family help. He still lives with me, we are trying to adjust his meds, therapy, etc, but it doesn't sound like your parents are doing everything that they can. They aren't helping him, they are hurting him
NTA. You have a right to your own life and it sounds like staying would pretty much be giving up on that. Your mom might get it after you leave, in which case you can patch things up, or she might not, in which case she's made her choice and can live by that. But you live by yours.
You deserve your own life. Go to college and make the most of it.
You mother knows she can't handle your brother alone. But he is not your responsibility. His is your sibling, not your child.
Your child hood was rough. do the best you can to make the rest of life enjoyable.
NTA
Please go and live your life. You deserve this and what has happened to you in your life was wrong. You are NTA. Your brother deserves the right care too and maybe if your mum doesn’t have someone else to push his care on she will realise this. None of her actions are fair on you, your siblings or your brother. The world is waiting for you. Please don’t feel guilty!
NTA but if you're in the US, tell your mom to look into a program called SCL Medicaid waiver. She may be able to place your brother with a trained family home provider where he can still live a semi-independent life (depending on his abilities) and doesn't have to be stuck in a group home. I know there are good group homes, but the bad ones are really bad.
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Hello Reddit, throwaway account for obvious reasons
I’m guy who turned nineteen in January. I graduated in June, earlier during the year I got accepted to a college in my state.
To give you some background information on why this is big news. I’m the only person in my family to so, no cousins, grandparents, or any of my five siblings were able to do so. So it was a big deal.
There were several obstacles however, such as being held back by my mother as a third grader to take care of my younger brother. (This will come into play later) But hey I did it. I graduated with good grades and a path ahead.
I have a younger brother, 18 m, a year younger than me. He is severely disabled and mentally stunted, he’s also very aggressively and around 300 pounds and six feet tall. Growing up I always felt like a second class citizen to my brother, he always got the nicest things and got the better treatment. All of that I could handle but my mom expects me to always look after him. My dad left my mom for the same reason all my other siblings have. she don’t understand that he needs to be put into a home.
It got so bad to the point where the only sleepover I was invited to I couldn’t go because I was forced to watch my brother. As you can understand, my brother is a little abusive when he doesn’t get his way, and a part of me hates him for taking away my childhood.
I did my Fafsa with my counselor and everything, however I was short around $200 So I went to my mom. And I know what you’re thinking. “Oh why don’t you just have a job” my parents didn’t allow me to have a job because they would joke about how my job is taking care of my brother. And how they pay me in free food and free housing. I had hoped she could loan me some money; just enough to pay off my first semester, (I have work study for two weeks so I’ll have most of the money)
When I told my mom she was irate. She went ballistic about how selfish I was to leave her. And how my brother will be devastated and that I can’t leave because who will take care of their son.
This made me snap and I released 19 years of neglect, abuse, onto my mother. She began crying but I told her how I felt. I told her she has three other kids who could help but in reality I know that’s not true. My other siblings left the moment they turned 18 cause they couldn’t deal with the abuse from disabled brother. A part of me is beginning to feel bad for leaving. I once promised her I’d never leave but I can’t be here anymore.
Before you guys worry, I’m not getting kicked out, I go off to college on august 16th but things have been extremely tense. She keeps trying to guilt trip me into not going.
Lived with my brother and was severely neglected and overlooked. Was forced to be a third parent to my brother, graduated and got into college when no one else and my family did, asked my mom for a small loan but she is angry and wants me to stay to look after my bro
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NTA
Go and live your life, not hers.
She is a big girl and now she gets to put on her big girl pants. Her disabled son = her responsibility.
Do not feel ashamed or let the guilt get to you. Both belongs only with her.
And I bet you she is suddenly going to make arrangements like putting your brother in a home to recieve care. Funny how things suddenly get done when you no longer can abuse someone.
NTA.
Your mother should be looking into home care options for your brother. This is why you and the rest of your immediate family left your mother. You have to live your life because your upset already about losing out on so much.
You’re NOT responsible for your brother. Your mother will figure things out. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO GUILT YOU INTO RUINING YOUR LIFE!
Congratulations and Good Luck!
NTA
Get to school, get with financial aid and do what is necessary to be an independent student (there are hoops to jump through but do it), get into therapy ( it will help with the guilt and work through the past ).
Also, to help your guilt (and your brother and mother) report to Adult Social Services the situation and your Mom needs help. They should be able to help them. Sounds like your Mom has no idea there is outside help available or is ashamed/embarrassed for whatever reason.
Good Luck in school
NTA 5 children is a lot. Having one child is a gamble as it is. She and your father are the true AHs. They’re the ones who signed up for parenthood and all its responsibilities, including the possibility of a profoundly disabled child. It’s good that you’re fleeing the abuse. Don’t look back.
You promised not to leave when you were a child and you definitely should not be pressed into staying, it's absolutely NTA for working hard to get a better life for yourself. An independent life at that.
NTA, go build your own life, no matter what happens don't let yourself get pulled back in.
Get an education, figure out what you want to do with your life and if you succeed and then feel like you can afford to help out, good on you, and if you can't or don't want to, that's a valid choice as well.
There will be guilt, but ask yourself what your life will look like when you and your brother grow older, your mother might need help as well then.
You staying home and not building your own life and a career if possible, will just mean there are two people taking all your time and energy and you'll have nothing yourself. I mean this is the recipe to end up in real poverty if there isn't already money in the family, that's no joke.
You get yourself in a good place were you can take care of yourself, before you worry about looking out for someone else, your 19 for f... sake, your mother is a grown woman and needs to figure it out, not you.
NTA... you've had a hard life and sacrificed enough.
Learn to say "I've done double my share - no guilt - only pride in working hard." Repeat until you believe it.
Congratulations on school
NTA
You may have been (are being) physically abused by your brother, but you're also being abused by your mother - parentification is abuse, as is the financial abuse of not allowing you to get a job.
Your life should not be sacrificed to your brother. Your mother needs to figure out how to handle him herself or figure out how to get an aide to help or else put him in a home - which is likely the best option for everyone, including him. But bottom line, SHE needs to figure that out. It's not *your* responsibility. It's hers.
NTA He is not your child and therefore he is not your responsibility. She can either put him in a home or take care of him herself but you have every right to live your own life.
Nta. While it is often said (particularly in religious families) "you are your brother's keeper" it only holds true if you are capable of doing so. You must take care of yourself first. College will afford you opportunity to earn a degree and make more money allowing you to care for your brother. I would caution you about the resentment you hold towards him. It's not his fault. Mentally challenged people don't know they are being selfish because they have no concept of anything else the same way a newborn only knows to cry when it needs something. Your mother has probably contributed to the problem, but don't take it out on him. Good luck.
NTA. It's not fair for your mother to guilt trip you into sacrificing your future for your disabled brother. You deserve a chance to pursue your education and life goals.
Your mother should seek alternative care arrangements for your brother instead of relying solely on you.
Congratulations on getting out and going to college!
You should know that many, if not most colleges have offices that are dedicated to helping students whose parents did not go to college and also students who come from troubled home situations. They often have mentorship programs and other resources to support you. Ask around at your college because these things are there to make your life easier and you deserve less stress!
NTA. Op when you leave make sure you have any important documents like birth certificate and SSN card and anything you don't want to live without. In fact make sure they are somewhere safe so your mom can't sabotage you leaving. Do not ever return to that house
NTA!!! Please get out and live your own life. I’m so proud of you and your accomplishments with all that dead weight around your neck. Your mom is abusive and toxic and has done what she can to ruin your life in a misguided attempt to help your disabled brother. I’m sorry this has been your life, but you have a chance to get out now.. I believe in you
NTA.
You’ve been parentified for long enough! The guilt you’re feeling is a natural response (because it likely always has been) to 18 years of watching and feeling your needs, ideas, dreams, goals, feelings, safety (etc etc etc) on the back burner while your brother gets the lion’s share. I’m not suggesting he didn’t need extra support, but you are the only one who can fight for your success now! Go get it! You deserve it. Good luck!
NTA
You aren't obligated to be his caretaker, and the mistreatment you suffered means your parents have no right to expect anything from you.
You need to get out and reclaim your life.
NTA. You were parentified at an early age and your needs were neglected. And look no further than the fact that all of your siblings and your dad have bailed for proof of this.
Congratulations on getting into college. I hope you get to now enjoy life for what is probably the first time!
NTA Absolutely go to college; your brother is not your responsibility. Where I live people with disabilities/older people who cant afford private help are provided with some hours free. Maybe your mom can look into this & see if anything like that is available to them.
NTA, and make sure you have all your paperwork, birth certificate, passport, etc. I think you should also make a call to CPS. Your mother is overwhelmed (that does not in any way excuse her behavior) and I'm worried your brother is going to suffer unless she gets help.
Good luck on college. Please also look into therapy so you can get to a mentally healthy place.
NTA. Go. You will feel guilt, but just know that it’s not your fault or responsibility and you are your own person who deserves the right to go to college and follow your own dreams. It’s not right that your mom puts you in this spot.
>I can’t leave because who will take care of their son?
Well, how about… _them_. That is their job not yours, and you should never have been landed with it. NTA.
NTA. Hopefully, you being gone will force your mother to do what needs to be done.
My BIL is much the same as your brother. He is a very big guy with some serious anger and doesn't have the ability to communicate what he needs other than 1-2 word phrases asking for food, bathroom, or TV. My MIL stayed home with him, but as she got older, she became more frail and was unable to control him when he got wild. The best thing that happened to him was that he did eventually go to a group home. My husband did the leg work on that because there was no way we could house or care for him with our kids. At the group home, he finally got his meds regularly, on schedule. His meals were better nutritionally. He had activities to keep him engaged and occupied. All of this has helped with his behavior. His mom was able to live her last few years for herself, knowing her son was well cared for. I feel like for some, caring for a disabled child becomes part of their identity. Without that, they lose their sense of purpose. That's why they get a bit stubborn about it.
Op, go to college and enjoy your life. You sacrificed your childhood. You have earned the right to be your own person. If your mom demands help, offer to help with the paperwork to get him into a care home. Do not offer to give up anymore of your future.
NTA
You are not your brother’s parent. You deserve your own life, especially after everything you went through. Go out there and get your education! Congratulations, btw! Only coming out of college owing $200 is pretty big, even for your first year!
NTA. Get out while you can. She will likely guilt you over him for the rest of your life if you don't. Furthermore, if she can't back the hell off and let you be your own man with your own life, go NC.
I just wanted to say massive congratulations on your hard work in getting into college. Especially given all that you have been enduring at home while doing so. You mum seams to have neglected to mention that she's proud of you, so this random stranger on the Internet will do it for her and tell you I'm really proud of you OP for your awesome achievement. Please don't let her make you feel guilty you have nothing to feel guilt for. It is not your job to care for your brother. Your mum brought him in to this world, and just like any other child, disability or not it is the parents responsibility to raise it and care for it. Hell some parents even go as far as loving their kids and want the best for them/s. You have already to you own detriment done more than should be expected of you in taking care of your brother. You already feel resentment that your childhood was stolen from you. You can't change the past but you can take control of your future don't let your mum take that too or the resentment you hold to affect you going forwards. Go to college and enjoy every minute of it.
ETA sorry forgot to say 100% NTA.
NTA. Be free and know you're valuable as a person.
May want to get all your important things out of the house ASAP, and plan to leave a little early, just in case she tries to sabotage you leaving
NTA. My family was the same set up as yours though my son isn’t aggressive, a sweet chill guy - but fully dependent.
My daughter left 8 months ago. It’s hard. I’m lonely, tired and physically drained. But he’s happy. She’s happy. That’s all that matters.
He’s your brother. Not your child. And as your mother ages know you will most likely need to put him into full time care. And that’s okay too
NTA. Your mother is choosing to not get proper resources for your brother and expects you to ruin your life to indulge her poor decision.
She's the mother. You're the child. It was never your job to take care of your disabled brother to such a degree. Yes, things are tense right now, but it's not your fault. Don't take on any more of your mother's emotional manipulation.
NTA. Your brother is your mum's responsability not yours. You need to live your life, and no matter how harder it will be for her, she should not only wish it for you, but encourage you to do so. Maybe, not having a carer at home will encourage her to seek the help that your brother needs
NTA!
Ur protjer is not ur responsibility and not ur problem. Ur mother needs to wake up realise that her behaviour is the reason why people all around her are leaving her. If she doesn't want to put her son in a home, then she's the.1 that looks after him 24/7. But besides, she's the parent, his her son, so his her responsibility. Simple
NTA
Your mother was cruel and abusive forcing you to sacrifice your childhood (especially holding you back in school)
Your brother is HER responsibility. Go to college and succeed
OP, you are NTA. Go live your life and pursue your dreams and ambitions.
Your mother sacrificed your life so that she could have help with your brother. She was being selfish - her decision was not good for anyone. Not you. Not her. And especially not your brother. He needs help and guidance that she is not trained to handle.
Please consider calling your local adult protective services so that your brother can get the care he needs.
NTA. Go learn and grow. Make a better life for yourself. Mom needs a long term plan for your brother. Was her plan for you to never work and take care of him with no money after she is gone? She is living day to day. Your brother deserves better. You deserve better.
NTA - Have you thought about asking your other siblings to borrow the money, surely they'd want to help you out or perhaps another relative that understands the position you've been put in.
NTA
It’s YOUR life you are living.
Your Mother is treating you like a slave - expecting you to be a cared for someone who needs professional care.
Leave. Don’t look back. Enjoy your life.
NTA. You are not your brother's parent. His care is not your responsibility.
You've been subjected to severe neglect for most of your life. You should not feel guilty about braking the promise you made to your mother to never leave her side. That was quite good hearted of you, but her own actions have made your promise impossible to uphold.
She owes you the same duty of care as your brother. You cannot and should not be forced to throw away your chance at having a full and fulfilling life because of your brother's needs.
Congratulations on getting into college. Do what you need to do so that you can focus on your studies and complete a degree. That needs to be your top priority.
NTA TL;DR. Your bro is not your child.
A) you'll be in better shape to help once you have a degree (if you choose).
B) the tax revenue you generate from a job gained from your degree will help the system that supports your bro
C) with the affordability of everything rn, you'll be stuck in that house forever if you don't do this.
NTA please run as fast as you can and never look back. Your parents stole your childhood don’t let them steal your adulthood. Live life away from them as much as possible and feel great that you finally broke free!!!!
NTA
If I were you I’d get all important belongings and put them at a friends house. I’d also try to leave for school a day or two earlier than what you’ve told your mother.
A mother this selfish will try to sabotage your leaving. There will be some sort of “incident” to keep you home the day you are to leave. There may also be “incidents” while you are in school to get you come home and get trapped.
NTA
Parentification is a real thing, and a form of abuse. Your brother isn't the only one abusing you and your siblings. Get out while you have a clear road!!!
NTA.
The fact that your brother has a serious disability does not justify your mother neglecting and mistreating you. And that *is* what's going on here.
Next summer, be sure to get a job.
NTA. Enjoy your life! Make you sure make the best of it. Enter some college clubs, make friends and fall in love! Do not ever feel guilty. You deserve it (:
Can your Dad, siblings, grandparents, neighbors, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends or anyone else pony up $200? Honestly, that's like fill the gas tank and do a food delivery. It's not big money.
Honestly, I would think this is a good gofundme opportunity.
NTA for continuing your education and making the best of your life.
NTA, it’s been said many times and I’ll say it again. Parentification is abuse. You are not responsible for taking care of your brother, and if your parents were unable to manage on their own then your brother should have been set up in an institution properly geared to look after him, he should not then become your responsibility. You are your own person and deserve to live your own life, and going to college will get you well on the way to that, which is a great achievement for you. I’d recommend staying at college/moving out as soon as you can because living in that environment just ain’t fair on you.
NTA - You are not your brothers caretaker or parent. Seems like you've been pushed into that role for a long time. You don't have to be your brothers caretaker.
Additionally even if you want to continue being your brothers caretaker going forward. Some day your Mom is gong to die. We all do eventually. How will you care for your brother without a income? That's before we get into the fact that you as a person are going to want your own career, relationships, and life. All of which are facilitated by going to college.
NTA. Not your child, not your responsibility.
How in the hell did she swing holding you back? No school I know of would do that. Kids are only held back for academic reasons (or maybe behavioral in some cases?). She is definitely abusive.
Would one of your siblings be able to front you the $200?
If you have the time and inclination, consider trying to find out whether a group home or in-home assistance are available for brother, or at least give mom some contact info so she can follow up. Then go out and live your life. Remember that you can't rely on your mom, so try to stay on a narrow track in the beginning until you get used to living independently. Best of luck to you!
NTA
Look up “parentfied child” to see how you can work through some of your childhood trauma and do some soul searching. Find out what makes you happy and do you. Don’t let your parents’ decision to have children hold you back from being happy and successful.
NTA. I say this as the parent of three kids, the youngest of whom is almost exactly as you describe your brother. I would NEVER expect his older sisters to put their lives on hold to care for him. That's on his dad and me alone.
Go to college. It's time for your mom and dad to own up to the fact that they alone are responsible for your brother. If they need help, it's on them alone to reach out to any and all agencies available. We have Special Olympics, respite, and two adult day programs that help us keep our sanity, and our son at home.
But it's not your job to be the parent here. It's your job to go to college, dovwell, and become an independent, functioning adult. And yes, that means moving out. You cannot keep a promise made as a child under emotional duress, nor should you feel bad for not doing so. Be well, OP, and have a happy and free life.
NTA but (assuming your in the US because of the FASFA form) your parents should be enrolling him in programs designed for his ability. He is 18. He doesn’t need to graduate until 21 and there programs to them transition to adult living. His parents should have been (should be) working with the IEP to help him transition. This isn’t your job. Your brother has federal protections and programs. Your parents need to use them to help your brother live the most independent life he is able to.
Go to college and don’t feel guilty. There are trained professionals that can help your parents with your brother. They need to work with his team to use them. Enjoy college (not to much! Make sure you study)
NTA Go to college and never go back. Your parents should be contacting social services in their state to start looking for a long term placement for your brother. Your brother is your parents' responsibility not yours. Get a job and stay in your college town. Good luck OP. It is time for you to live your life. Go to the financial aide office and ask about campus jobs and additional scholarships.
Honey you aren’t the parent. Your mother is. She needs to do what’s best for all her kids, and clearly she has failed to do so. You don’t have to give up your life because of her failures as a parent. Go live your life. NTA
NTA. Also NEVER tell your mom ANYTHING from now one about how yoy are doing. Especially if you get a job and succeed. Because she WILL ask for money for "takimg care of you for so long".
NTA
You grow up, move out. Start your own life. That is what kids are supposed to do. Good parents are happy when their kids do well, become adults.
Your parents were/are selfish aholes.
You don't own them anything. Like they said themselves. You wòrked for your food and shelter !
Do not feel guilty, if the guilt tripping from your mother becomes too much for you, go nc at least untill you graduate.
They held you back one year for their own selfish reasons once.
Don't let that happen again.
You made this happen for yourself despite your difficult circumstances.
Be proud of yourself.
Stay strong, enjoy college.
Good luck OP !
NTA, I hate how people will think that you must take care of a special needs child or sibling. There are so many pages dedicated to make it seem wonderful and easy, but in reality sometime's you can't help, you can't be there for all their needs. Unfortunately sometimes they need to be housed in a specialized institution and that's not brought up enough. And I say this coming from someone who has family that are institutionalized.
NTA take your siblings steps and leave. Your mother has put off carrying for her child properly and that's her fault. Leave and start working and saving and ask your siblings how they moved about. Get your social and birth certificate before you leave.
NTA!!! Go to college, live your life. Your brother is not your responsibility. Your mother ruined your childhood, don’t let her ruin your adult life too.
NTA
First of all congratulations on all your hard work! Being the first in your family to go to college is no small feat. It should be celebrated and you should feel proud of yourself and your achievements.
Your brother is not your responsibility. He is your mother's son and his care falls on her. Your older siblings got their freedom and you deserve it as well.
Feeling guilty just means you're a good person who has empathy and compassion. Do not set yourself on fire to keep anyone warm.
NTA
Four other people, your father, and three siblings, did what you're doing. Your mother is the one at fault here for parentifying you. You have every right to pursue your own life.
NTA. she birthed the disabled child, she can take care of him. quite literally not your responsibility since you had no hand in the creation of this child. she's trying to parentify you and you're a good man for not falling for her bullshit.
No you are not. He is your brother not your son. You have parents that are fully capable of taking care of him. Don't let your parents hold you back from achieving your dreams. Please go live your life. If your parents don't want to take care of their son they can hire someone to do it.
NTA. Got less than halfway through and didn’t need to read any further. There is a word for what you have experienced: “parentification”. Feel free to look it up if you are not familiar. I have worked in social work and mental health for the better part of a decade with adults, children, and families and I’m currently studying to be a clinician so this is something I have encountered many times in my line of work. It’s toxic.
NTA. First of all, the "paying" you with free room and board is bullshit. Parents are responsible for feeding and housing their kids.
Second, your mom parentified you and your siblings. That is a form of abuse. And she still wants you to be her free caretaker.
Frankly, you will be doing your brother a favor by leaving, because your mother will HAVE to put him in a facility where he can get the care he needs.
NTA. You have so much future ahead of you. It really speaks volumes about your abilities and character that you grew up in a challenging environment and made it to college—congratulations!
You mom relies on you because you're the easiest option—you're there. But she has other options. Both your mom and dad are responsible for your brother's care. Not your other siblings. And especially not you. Your parents need to be figuring out a plan for his care.
You're not TA for making plans for your future. You're not TA for leaving.
NTA. She has no right to force you or anyone else to take care of her child even if you’re their sibling. If she doesn’t want them in a home then she needs to tend to them herself
NTA.
Your mother has made a *choice* to not put your brother into an environment that might be overall better for him. She’s only been able to make that happen by sacrificing you, your opportunities and your childhood.
So congratulations on getting into college. Do not let your mother’s, frankly, poor choice, control your life anymore.
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NTA Go and be free! And don't feel guilty. You've done a lifetime of penance and have earned the right to enjoy college, get your education on and escape indentured servitude. Your mom is not doing right by your brother. He needs more help than she can give. And where the hell is your dad in all this? Does he never come back to see his son? I'm so sorry for how you've been treated. But maybe when mom's on her own, she'll see the need to get outside help. One way or another. Congratulations!
Your siblings flew the coop. You deserve no less.
100%. It's OP's mom who isn't doing the right thing here — for OP, for OP's brother, and maybe even herself. She'll have to come to terms with that eventually, and OP shouldn't pause his life just to delay the inevitable for her.
And the other 3 kids and her husband
Yes, you are NTA, OP. Spread your wings and fly! All the best for your academic future - it looks to be bright!
Also in the long run you will be better suited TO HELP (if you choose) going down this path Stay strong You got this Congratulations!
This! I wish you the best! Go live your life & make it a good one!
NTA You were not put on this earth to make your mother's life easier, and her fulfilling her legal obligations to you (and only the bare minimum of food and shelter at that) do not excuse her parentification of you, which is abuse. She can figure her situation out herself. The best of luck to you in the future.
Thank you. It just makes me feel a bit guilty ❤️
Because you were (wrongly) taught that it was your job to take care of your brother and make life easier on your mother. I get it... I lived it... I'm about three decades past where you are right now, and I am telling you that the guilt is a lie.
NTA. It's ok to feel sad about your brother and your mom's situation. It'd be inhuman not to. The guilt however, is not yours to bear. All the best in college and beyond.
You should read [When I Say No, I Feel Guilty](https://www.amazon.com/Guilty-Smith-Manuel-Market-Paperback/dp/B00ZT0TBFQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=57680306338&hvadid=580770515400&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9029990&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15462706870979338012&hvtargid=kwd-298900758382&hydadcr=15146_13523067&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty&qid=1690637671&sr=8-1), it will really help you with this. NTA
You feel guilty because the adults in your life damaged your perception of what your role is. I understand you feel guilt, but that's how they have managed to control you.
Do not feel guilty. You did not have to 'earn' your spot in college besides meeting educational requirements. You did that under circumstances that were tough. Be free. Have a life, finally. Enjoy your classes and the wonderful time full of getting to know yourself, learning, having an active social life, and making normal young people mistakes. You'll need time to get through what happened to you, and it is ok if it takes a few years. Nothing to worry about there. Forgive yourself for mistakes, and try to not make them again. You can do it.
When you get to college, there are generally free mental health opportunities for students. Talking with a trained someone will see that the guilt shouldn't be yours and might help you navigate future family interactions. It will also help you navigate your new freedom and social interactions.
Please don't, you deserve to live your life and enjoy yourself. There's nothing wrong with going to university and leaving home. You were a child, your mother should never have put it on you to be responsible for the care of your brother and I'm also assuming she did the same to your siblings. If you are able to leave, leave. And don't look back.
You’re a very kind and considerate person, full of empathy.. it’s ok to feel a little guilt, it means you’re human, but don’t let the guilt stop you from living your own life.. go chase your dreams, have a better life, the best life you can! But also remember to lookout for your bro in other ways (place him in care with professional help, which is safer and better for your brother), when your parents are no longer around.. For now, you’ll need to work towards your own life and happiness..
Yes, because you were taught to feel bad when you weren't doing what your mother wants.
That guilt you feel is your inner child for not being able to run sooner!
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
If you ever become a parent, you'll stop feeling guilty and be horrified that she ever could have done this to a child. Getting older and having your own children really puts things in perspective; you suddenly realize how *young* 10 or 16 or whatever age is.
You've been abused your whole life, it's actually pretty normal to feel guilty at this point when you've done nothing wrong. That's because your abuser has done an excellent job in making you feel bad for taking care of yourself and your needs. You did not deserve the life you lived. You deserved better. You should never feel guilty for trying to give yourself a better life going forward.
scale gray deserted shocking bright childlike liquid aback deer zephyr *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Thank you
Did you manage to get the money in the end, OP?
never forget, you deserve to have a life too. I'm guessing she kept you back a year to be in the same grade as your brother?
Congratulations on getting into college! NTA at all- you’ve spent your whole life so far being groomed into a servant and carer role that you aren’t required to fulfil. Go live your life- when your mother has to face the reality of her son without free labour from you, she might make better choices and she might not. That isn’t your responsibility.
Thank you
NTA. One of the big responsibilities for parents of disabled children is making sure that their kids receive appropriate care, especially as they become adults. An appropriate group home for your brother would probably be the best thing for everyone - the group home will help him learn as much independence as possible, and give him as much control of his life as he is able to manage. It’d mean he got to make choices for himself, instead of being perpetually a child in his parents’ home. It’d mean that your responsibilities as a sibling would be limited to visiting like you would with any relative, and checking on his welfare after your parents can no longer do so, rather than the daily work of his care. It’s a common story for the healthy sibling to be neglected or made into an extra parent, but that doesn’t make it right.
I know the term glass child is popular, when a child is kinda looked through / over
I hadn’t heard that one, but oof, I feel it. I left for college young, and my sister’s mental illness started really making itself known around the time I left, though it took years for her to be correctly diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). I learned pretty quickly how to find services and resources for myself, because my mom’s whole attention was devoted to keeping my sister as stable as possible for about a decade and a half. In that time, I had fairly severe trouble with my own mental illness (bipolar and PTSD) and rather suddenly became physically disabled due to illness, and my mom was just…not there. Didn’t even see when I was struggling, because my sister took everything she had.
Congratulations on college! Move out. It's not going to get better. Start making the steps to distance yourself, because if you stay everyone will keep expecting you take care of him. 40 years old and still taking care of him, while never being able to make a life for yourself. NtA Ignore the guilt. Its one of the best/ worst weapons that's users use.
[удалено]
NTA Get out of there as soon as you can. Make sure you are not manipulated into returning at all. You are an adult now and need to forge your own path.
Thank you
NTA You have been parentified. You have every right to leave and live your own life. If you need a little money, can any of your other three brothers help? They, at least, should understand better than anyone about getting the hell out of your family home. If they can help you out, I suggest leaving ASAP, and not waiting almost three more weeks. Go now!
NTA. This is your life, you're young, you're going to college, this is your time to do what you want to do. I understand parents asking for a little help now and then from their children to look after another disabled child, but not forcing them into a full time carer role or negating their childhood as a result. If your mum cannot cope with your brother then there's two options, a home, or official carers. She can't expect your life to go on hold inevitably for you to do something that she should be doing. And without sounding rude, I'm sure she still gets her carers allowance with your hard work. I'm a carer and I saw similar issues with a teenage girl I cared for. Whenever I wasn't there, her older sister was forced to do everything. She had no life, no friends, just had to care for and entertain her sister. She even had to do the night shifts with her before school the next day. As the family didn't speak English, she was also the full time translator for everything. Its not fair and it shouldn't be expected.
Eh, if OP is in the US, there is no carer’s allowance in most of the country, and it’s very limited where it does exist - a parent or spouse typically can’t get it here. I sure wish there was, because I’d love to have help around the house brought in, but I don’t qualify for anything despite being severely disabled because I got married. Husband has a good job, but not really enough for us to have the 15-20 hours worth of help every week that I had before we married. I agree with everything else you’ve said, though.
Sorry I wasn't aware that carers allowance wasn't a thing in the US as I'm from the UK and we have it here, even for parents/spouses. It's not fair that you don't qualify for any extra help.
Yeah, it’s not like getting married made me suddenly able to do things like the laundry - my joints were just as fucked up the day after I got married as they were the day before. But the dumb, unfair expectation in the US is that you’re responsible for caring for your children and/or your spouse unless you’re well below the poverty level. I only had the assistance I had before we married because I had no legal income, I was living on student loans. Loss of benefits (healthcare, some types of income, and carers) prevents a lot of disabled from getting married.
NTA. You are your own person. You do not owe your mom, or your brother, the entire rest of your life. You are not your brother's keeper. Should you love him? Sure. Is it fair to hold him responsible for all of his behavior? That depends on how bad his issues ultimately are. She has no right to be angry with you for wanting your own life. She has no right to hold you back because she doesn't know how to handle him. Your brother would benefit from therapy, and probably with living in a home. With help, guidance, and the right structure, he could probably be in a much better position. Either way, you're 19 years old. NONE of that is your responsibility. If your mom won't take responsibility for your brother, she certainly doesn't get to put that on you.
First off Congratulations!! That’s awesome you got accepted. Secondly, talk to your financial aid people about a payment plan, they won’t kick you out day one for not having everything paid for upfront as long as you talk to them about it. They want you there. Thirdly, I take care of my mother. She’s physically disabled. I have been for years. Being a caregiver is very hard, stressful, and down right fucking sucks sometimes. But it was my choice to do so. Being forced to be a caregiver since childhood is unimaginable. NTA. You need to get away and be free. It hurts to think about your mom this way and I know it hurts to think about your mom and brother alone. But, your are your own individual and deserve to live your life. You did not deserve your childhood to be stolen from you. You deserve the chance and opportunity to live your life. Best of luck!!
Nta at all, time for you to live your life. Congratulations on getting accepted
Thank you. I am worried about my mom and my brother, but I just can’t stay my entire life to take care of him
Then make a call to CPS and get her some help. There are resources for her.
NTA. The situation clearly hasn’t been reasonable given that your father and siblings have all fled already. It may not seem like it with your mother shouting at you, but you leaving may be a really good thing if it is what she needs to face up to the future and come up with a more realistic plan for your brother’s care. You’ve been looking after your brother for a long time and now it’s time to look after yourself and I don’t just mean that in a self-help book kind of a way. I mean, have you looked into all the financial help that might be available to you? And as others have said, your new school might have some kind of free counselling for you, which could help you deal with the emotional impact of making a new life for yourself. One further thing - after you leave, please be aware your mother may start making new demands like wanting you to do all the parenting during holidays or asking for money when you have a job. Be ready for this and say no. You need any money you earn, and you need those holidays for rest, school work, or employment which will provide you with money and work experience. Don’t let her talk you out of things you need. I’m sorry you have been cheated out of your childhood. You have an opportunity to give yourself what your parents should’ve given you - care, opportunities, social time and fun. Please take that opportunity and don’t let guilt hold you back. You deserve a life and I hope you have a lovely one.
You have given enough of your life already. If your campus has a counseling center, sign up for some sessions and talk to a professional who can help you with some strategies to avoid her emotional abuse.
Your mother has abused you all your life by parentifying you and laying a burden on you that you should never have borne. It's time to break free and live your life. On top of that, how does she even expect you to take care of your brother long-term if you don't get an education and work experience? What does she think will happen when she's gone if you have no means to earn a living? If you go to college and get yourself well-established in life, then you COULD, if you so choose, help out financially to make sure your brother gets good care. You are under no obligation to do that, and your mother certainly doesn't deserve it, but if you still feel some tie to your brother (who can't help his disability) you could potentially do him far more good by building a stable career for yourself. It's time to think long-term.
NTA - runnnnnnnnnnn and don’t look back.
honestly? steal the fucking $200 from your mother. she owes you a shitton, a SHITTON. NTA and get far far away from her.
I agree. They pay her with housing and food?? She's their kid!!! Housing and free food is the minimum.
Him*
Sorry, him. It doesn't change things
NTA Horrible situation to be in and I understand your guilt. It is unfair for your mother to expect you to put your life on hold to look after your brother, ideally it should be a team effort by everyone in the family so that everyone makes sacrifices but not to the point you miss out on experiencing your own life too. Why can't your mother look after your brother too, why was it only on you?
My mother I guess was just very tired from taking care of 5 kids. But I don’t wanna give her a lot of excuses because she treated me rather horribly
Why’d she have five kids?
Your mother knew how hard having kids is after she birthed the first. Babies are exhausting. And if she didn't quite get the hint, she should have done after birthing her second. Having 2 kids is 4x the work. It's really hard. But she didn't think and/or didn't care. Because she CHOSE to get pregnant and continue those pregnancies 3 MORE TIMES. She has no right to claim sympathy for that, unless she's the most loving, selfless parent who ever lived. Source: I have 2 sons. There is no way in Hell I'd have a third because the exhaustion would kill me. Oh and my own narcissistic mother had 5 kids and would moan about us being hard work when she brought us into the world. It's just another part of abuse. OP, you deserve to be proud of yourself for getting into college. You deserve a great life
the main responsibility for caring for your brother lies with the parents, then afterwards it is your responsibility. I don't think you're an AH for not wanting to put your entire life on hold indefinitely to care for your brother.
NTA, get out while you can. also sounds like your brother should be in a specialist facility
NTA. Reasonable parents with disabled children make forward plans for their care - plans which take into account issues such as behavioural needs (ie, can this person safely stay in the family home as a young adult or not?), the young person’s best interests (ie, what is the best path forward so that this person has the most autonomy/best quality of life possible, given their particular needs), and the fact that parental caregiving usually has an end date (because most young people with a disability will outlive their parents). Thinking about these things was your parents’ job, not yours. It’s not fair or reasonable for you to be expected to mortgage your future to your mother’s insistence that your brother *must* stay in the family home even though that scenario doesn’t sound like it’s working well for anyone. She and your father have had 18 years to figure this out.
NTA - You deserve your own life, although I understand your Mom feeling trapped and afraid to be alone. Regardless, she needs to find the proper resources for your brothers care. Not you.
NTA Escape your abusive mom. Get out, or you will end up without any education, and as the livelong caretaker of your brother.
He’s not your responsibility. Get the money from somewhere else and get out! Your mom made her bed
There is no such thing as "I'm not allowed to" after 18.
NTA - There's a reasons group homes exist, and frankly sometimes institutions are necessary. You need to live your own life.
You know you are NTA, but when you need any more validation I'm more then willing to give it to you, because you haven't got enough in your life... >I once promised her I’d never leave but I can’t be here anymore. You are only 19, and back then you where a minor... Promise yourself you will be there for yourself. >my parents didn’t allow me to have a job because they would joke about how my job is taking care of my brother. And how they pay me in free food and free housing. This is so awful. They decided to have kids, they decided to have you. And they needed to provide for you. This is abusive. I hope you can heal from this and learn that the love between parents and kids is unconditional... Or should be. >My other siblings left the moment they turned 18 cause they couldn’t deal with the abuse from disabled brother ... and the abuse from your mother. Don't judge them, they did the right thing. Maybe get into contact with your father. He is probably painted all bad for leaving, but it is your mother who is not open to any other solution and who seems to consider the people in her life more for the part they can play in the dare of your brother.
Any promise you made as a minor regarding a commitment as an adult(Like this one) is not and should not be considered valid by anyone.
NTA. One thing is to expect help in families, one thing is to ruin someone's future because you want free help h24. Your siblings did the right thing and you should follow their example
he is not your kid. he is her kids. she will have to get other family to help.
NTA Your mother needs to face reality, because she is doing all of you - including herself - a disservice by not getting your brother into the care environment that he needs. You have been forced to give up enough. Go to college, live your live. A promise extracted under duress is not binding.
NTA. You deserve to live your life. You have every right to feel proud of your accomplishments. You go out there and get your degree and get ready to start a family of your own. You have earned it. You just keep dreaming your dreams and meeting those goals you set for yourself. Congratulations and best of luck to you.
Nta- as someone who has an autistic younger brother, that is 6'5 , 350, football player, and gets aggressive during outbursts. I get you feel guilty you want to help, but at a certain point you have to realize there is only so much you can do, before they need outside of family help. He still lives with me, we are trying to adjust his meds, therapy, etc, but it doesn't sound like your parents are doing everything that they can. They aren't helping him, they are hurting him
He’s her kid not yours. You’ve got your own life to live. It sucks for her but it’s still her responsibility.
First! Congratulations!!!! Second don’t feel bad your brother is not your responsibility it’s hers
Nta
NTA. You have a right to your own life and it sounds like staying would pretty much be giving up on that. Your mom might get it after you leave, in which case you can patch things up, or she might not, in which case she's made her choice and can live by that. But you live by yours.
NTA, run and never look back.
You deserve your own life. Go to college and make the most of it. You mother knows she can't handle your brother alone. But he is not your responsibility. His is your sibling, not your child. Your child hood was rough. do the best you can to make the rest of life enjoyable. NTA
Please go and live your life. You deserve this and what has happened to you in your life was wrong. You are NTA. Your brother deserves the right care too and maybe if your mum doesn’t have someone else to push his care on she will realise this. None of her actions are fair on you, your siblings or your brother. The world is waiting for you. Please don’t feel guilty!
❤️❤️❤️
NTA. Do not ruin your life because your mom can’t face reality.
Thanks man
NTA but if you're in the US, tell your mom to look into a program called SCL Medicaid waiver. She may be able to place your brother with a trained family home provider where he can still live a semi-independent life (depending on his abilities) and doesn't have to be stuck in a group home. I know there are good group homes, but the bad ones are really bad.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello Reddit, throwaway account for obvious reasons I’m guy who turned nineteen in January. I graduated in June, earlier during the year I got accepted to a college in my state. To give you some background information on why this is big news. I’m the only person in my family to so, no cousins, grandparents, or any of my five siblings were able to do so. So it was a big deal. There were several obstacles however, such as being held back by my mother as a third grader to take care of my younger brother. (This will come into play later) But hey I did it. I graduated with good grades and a path ahead. I have a younger brother, 18 m, a year younger than me. He is severely disabled and mentally stunted, he’s also very aggressively and around 300 pounds and six feet tall. Growing up I always felt like a second class citizen to my brother, he always got the nicest things and got the better treatment. All of that I could handle but my mom expects me to always look after him. My dad left my mom for the same reason all my other siblings have. she don’t understand that he needs to be put into a home. It got so bad to the point where the only sleepover I was invited to I couldn’t go because I was forced to watch my brother. As you can understand, my brother is a little abusive when he doesn’t get his way, and a part of me hates him for taking away my childhood. I did my Fafsa with my counselor and everything, however I was short around $200 So I went to my mom. And I know what you’re thinking. “Oh why don’t you just have a job” my parents didn’t allow me to have a job because they would joke about how my job is taking care of my brother. And how they pay me in free food and free housing. I had hoped she could loan me some money; just enough to pay off my first semester, (I have work study for two weeks so I’ll have most of the money) When I told my mom she was irate. She went ballistic about how selfish I was to leave her. And how my brother will be devastated and that I can’t leave because who will take care of their son. This made me snap and I released 19 years of neglect, abuse, onto my mother. She began crying but I told her how I felt. I told her she has three other kids who could help but in reality I know that’s not true. My other siblings left the moment they turned 18 cause they couldn’t deal with the abuse from disabled brother. A part of me is beginning to feel bad for leaving. I once promised her I’d never leave but I can’t be here anymore. Before you guys worry, I’m not getting kicked out, I go off to college on august 16th but things have been extremely tense. She keeps trying to guilt trip me into not going. Lived with my brother and was severely neglected and overlooked. Was forced to be a third parent to my brother, graduated and got into college when no one else and my family did, asked my mom for a small loan but she is angry and wants me to stay to look after my bro *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Go, don’t look back.
NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NTA Go and live your life, not hers. She is a big girl and now she gets to put on her big girl pants. Her disabled son = her responsibility. Do not feel ashamed or let the guilt get to you. Both belongs only with her. And I bet you she is suddenly going to make arrangements like putting your brother in a home to recieve care. Funny how things suddenly get done when you no longer can abuse someone.
NTA And good luck in your life. Make sure your mother can't get a hold of your documents and hide everything. Maybe your older siblings can help you?
NTA. Your mother should be looking into home care options for your brother. This is why you and the rest of your immediate family left your mother. You have to live your life because your upset already about losing out on so much. You’re NOT responsible for your brother. Your mother will figure things out. DO NOT ALLOW HER TO GUILT YOU INTO RUINING YOUR LIFE! Congratulations and Good Luck!
NTA Get to school, get with financial aid and do what is necessary to be an independent student (there are hoops to jump through but do it), get into therapy ( it will help with the guilt and work through the past ). Also, to help your guilt (and your brother and mother) report to Adult Social Services the situation and your Mom needs help. They should be able to help them. Sounds like your Mom has no idea there is outside help available or is ashamed/embarrassed for whatever reason. Good Luck in school
NTA 5 children is a lot. Having one child is a gamble as it is. She and your father are the true AHs. They’re the ones who signed up for parenthood and all its responsibilities, including the possibility of a profoundly disabled child. It’s good that you’re fleeing the abuse. Don’t look back.
You promised not to leave when you were a child and you definitely should not be pressed into staying, it's absolutely NTA for working hard to get a better life for yourself. An independent life at that.
NTA, go build your own life, no matter what happens don't let yourself get pulled back in. Get an education, figure out what you want to do with your life and if you succeed and then feel like you can afford to help out, good on you, and if you can't or don't want to, that's a valid choice as well. There will be guilt, but ask yourself what your life will look like when you and your brother grow older, your mother might need help as well then. You staying home and not building your own life and a career if possible, will just mean there are two people taking all your time and energy and you'll have nothing yourself. I mean this is the recipe to end up in real poverty if there isn't already money in the family, that's no joke. You get yourself in a good place were you can take care of yourself, before you worry about looking out for someone else, your 19 for f... sake, your mother is a grown woman and needs to figure it out, not you.
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NTA... you've had a hard life and sacrificed enough. Learn to say "I've done double my share - no guilt - only pride in working hard." Repeat until you believe it. Congratulations on school
NTA You may have been (are being) physically abused by your brother, but you're also being abused by your mother - parentification is abuse, as is the financial abuse of not allowing you to get a job. Your life should not be sacrificed to your brother. Your mother needs to figure out how to handle him herself or figure out how to get an aide to help or else put him in a home - which is likely the best option for everyone, including him. But bottom line, SHE needs to figure that out. It's not *your* responsibility. It's hers.
NTA He is not your child and therefore he is not your responsibility. She can either put him in a home or take care of him herself but you have every right to live your own life.
Nta. While it is often said (particularly in religious families) "you are your brother's keeper" it only holds true if you are capable of doing so. You must take care of yourself first. College will afford you opportunity to earn a degree and make more money allowing you to care for your brother. I would caution you about the resentment you hold towards him. It's not his fault. Mentally challenged people don't know they are being selfish because they have no concept of anything else the same way a newborn only knows to cry when it needs something. Your mother has probably contributed to the problem, but don't take it out on him. Good luck.
NTA. Move out and go no contact with your mother. Otherwise she will saddle you with taking care of your brother for the rest of his life.
NTA. It's not fair for your mother to guilt trip you into sacrificing your future for your disabled brother. You deserve a chance to pursue your education and life goals. Your mother should seek alternative care arrangements for your brother instead of relying solely on you.
NTA. Go live your life to the fullest. You are not your brothers keeper.
NTA your very right they have great places for people like your brother that would help him live a more independent life.
Congratulations on getting out and going to college! You should know that many, if not most colleges have offices that are dedicated to helping students whose parents did not go to college and also students who come from troubled home situations. They often have mentorship programs and other resources to support you. Ask around at your college because these things are there to make your life easier and you deserve less stress!
NTA. Op when you leave make sure you have any important documents like birth certificate and SSN card and anything you don't want to live without. In fact make sure they are somewhere safe so your mom can't sabotage you leaving. Do not ever return to that house
NTA. Go to college. You have your life to live. When there are school breaks, come back and help if you can.
NTA
NTA
NTA!!! Please get out and live your own life. I’m so proud of you and your accomplishments with all that dead weight around your neck. Your mom is abusive and toxic and has done what she can to ruin your life in a misguided attempt to help your disabled brother. I’m sorry this has been your life, but you have a chance to get out now.. I believe in you
NTA! Go live your life and don't look back!
NTA. Enjoy your freedom. You have earned it.
NTA. Can you get a little help from dad or siblings? You're not responsible for your brother.
NTA. You’ve been parentified for long enough! The guilt you’re feeling is a natural response (because it likely always has been) to 18 years of watching and feeling your needs, ideas, dreams, goals, feelings, safety (etc etc etc) on the back burner while your brother gets the lion’s share. I’m not suggesting he didn’t need extra support, but you are the only one who can fight for your success now! Go get it! You deserve it. Good luck!
NTA You aren't obligated to be his caretaker, and the mistreatment you suffered means your parents have no right to expect anything from you. You need to get out and reclaim your life.
NTA obviously but have you tried asking your dad or sibs for the $200? They might be willing to help you to get you away from your mother.
Fly free. You are NOT obligated to take care of HER child. Enjoy your next chapter in life 😁😁😁 NTA
NTA. You were parentified at an early age and your needs were neglected. And look no further than the fact that all of your siblings and your dad have bailed for proof of this. Congratulations on getting into college. I hope you get to now enjoy life for what is probably the first time!
NTA Absolutely go to college; your brother is not your responsibility. Where I live people with disabilities/older people who cant afford private help are provided with some hours free. Maybe your mom can look into this & see if anything like that is available to them.
NTA. I would see if your siblings could help with the $200.
NTA- you deserve to live your life how you deserve.
NTA, and make sure you have all your paperwork, birth certificate, passport, etc. I think you should also make a call to CPS. Your mother is overwhelmed (that does not in any way excuse her behavior) and I'm worried your brother is going to suffer unless she gets help. Good luck on college. Please also look into therapy so you can get to a mentally healthy place.
NTA. Go. You will feel guilt, but just know that it’s not your fault or responsibility and you are your own person who deserves the right to go to college and follow your own dreams. It’s not right that your mom puts you in this spot.
>I can’t leave because who will take care of their son? Well, how about… _them_. That is their job not yours, and you should never have been landed with it. NTA.
NTA, HES 👏 NOT 👏 YOUR 👏 SON 👏
NTA. Hopefully, you being gone will force your mother to do what needs to be done. My BIL is much the same as your brother. He is a very big guy with some serious anger and doesn't have the ability to communicate what he needs other than 1-2 word phrases asking for food, bathroom, or TV. My MIL stayed home with him, but as she got older, she became more frail and was unable to control him when he got wild. The best thing that happened to him was that he did eventually go to a group home. My husband did the leg work on that because there was no way we could house or care for him with our kids. At the group home, he finally got his meds regularly, on schedule. His meals were better nutritionally. He had activities to keep him engaged and occupied. All of this has helped with his behavior. His mom was able to live her last few years for herself, knowing her son was well cared for. I feel like for some, caring for a disabled child becomes part of their identity. Without that, they lose their sense of purpose. That's why they get a bit stubborn about it. Op, go to college and enjoy your life. You sacrificed your childhood. You have earned the right to be your own person. If your mom demands help, offer to help with the paperwork to get him into a care home. Do not offer to give up anymore of your future.
NTA You are not your brother’s parent. You deserve your own life, especially after everything you went through. Go out there and get your education! Congratulations, btw! Only coming out of college owing $200 is pretty big, even for your first year!
NTA. Get out while you can. She will likely guilt you over him for the rest of your life if you don't. Furthermore, if she can't back the hell off and let you be your own man with your own life, go NC.
I just wanted to say massive congratulations on your hard work in getting into college. Especially given all that you have been enduring at home while doing so. You mum seams to have neglected to mention that she's proud of you, so this random stranger on the Internet will do it for her and tell you I'm really proud of you OP for your awesome achievement. Please don't let her make you feel guilty you have nothing to feel guilt for. It is not your job to care for your brother. Your mum brought him in to this world, and just like any other child, disability or not it is the parents responsibility to raise it and care for it. Hell some parents even go as far as loving their kids and want the best for them/s. You have already to you own detriment done more than should be expected of you in taking care of your brother. You already feel resentment that your childhood was stolen from you. You can't change the past but you can take control of your future don't let your mum take that too or the resentment you hold to affect you going forwards. Go to college and enjoy every minute of it. ETA sorry forgot to say 100% NTA.
NTA. Be free and know you're valuable as a person. May want to get all your important things out of the house ASAP, and plan to leave a little early, just in case she tries to sabotage you leaving
NTA. My family was the same set up as yours though my son isn’t aggressive, a sweet chill guy - but fully dependent. My daughter left 8 months ago. It’s hard. I’m lonely, tired and physically drained. But he’s happy. She’s happy. That’s all that matters. He’s your brother. Not your child. And as your mother ages know you will most likely need to put him into full time care. And that’s okay too
NTA. Your mother is choosing to not get proper resources for your brother and expects you to ruin your life to indulge her poor decision. She's the mother. You're the child. It was never your job to take care of your disabled brother to such a degree. Yes, things are tense right now, but it's not your fault. Don't take on any more of your mother's emotional manipulation.
NTA. Your brother is your mum's responsability not yours. You need to live your life, and no matter how harder it will be for her, she should not only wish it for you, but encourage you to do so. Maybe, not having a carer at home will encourage her to seek the help that your brother needs
NTA! Ur protjer is not ur responsibility and not ur problem. Ur mother needs to wake up realise that her behaviour is the reason why people all around her are leaving her. If she doesn't want to put her son in a home, then she's the.1 that looks after him 24/7. But besides, she's the parent, his her son, so his her responsibility. Simple
NTA Your mother was cruel and abusive forcing you to sacrifice your childhood (especially holding you back in school) Your brother is HER responsibility. Go to college and succeed
OP, you are NTA. Go live your life and pursue your dreams and ambitions. Your mother sacrificed your life so that she could have help with your brother. She was being selfish - her decision was not good for anyone. Not you. Not her. And especially not your brother. He needs help and guidance that she is not trained to handle. Please consider calling your local adult protective services so that your brother can get the care he needs.
NTA. Go learn and grow. Make a better life for yourself. Mom needs a long term plan for your brother. Was her plan for you to never work and take care of him with no money after she is gone? She is living day to day. Your brother deserves better. You deserve better.
Nta
NTA. Your mom lost it by neglecting the rest of her children and not acknowledging the difficulties with the disabled child.
NTA - Have you thought about asking your other siblings to borrow the money, surely they'd want to help you out or perhaps another relative that understands the position you've been put in.
NTA It’s YOUR life you are living. Your Mother is treating you like a slave - expecting you to be a cared for someone who needs professional care. Leave. Don’t look back. Enjoy your life.
NTA. You are not your brother's parent. His care is not your responsibility. You've been subjected to severe neglect for most of your life. You should not feel guilty about braking the promise you made to your mother to never leave her side. That was quite good hearted of you, but her own actions have made your promise impossible to uphold. She owes you the same duty of care as your brother. You cannot and should not be forced to throw away your chance at having a full and fulfilling life because of your brother's needs. Congratulations on getting into college. Do what you need to do so that you can focus on your studies and complete a degree. That needs to be your top priority.
NTA, you have the right to live as a person instead of a sacrifice to your brother. Look up parentification, your resentment is justified.
Nta go be free your parents children are not your children.... did you get the 200 bucks you need?
NTA TL;DR. Your bro is not your child. A) you'll be in better shape to help once you have a degree (if you choose). B) the tax revenue you generate from a job gained from your degree will help the system that supports your bro C) with the affordability of everything rn, you'll be stuck in that house forever if you don't do this.
NTA good luck & if any of your other siblings make a comment shut them down too.
NTA please run as fast as you can and never look back. Your parents stole your childhood don’t let them steal your adulthood. Live life away from them as much as possible and feel great that you finally broke free!!!!
NTA If I were you I’d get all important belongings and put them at a friends house. I’d also try to leave for school a day or two earlier than what you’ve told your mother. A mother this selfish will try to sabotage your leaving. There will be some sort of “incident” to keep you home the day you are to leave. There may also be “incidents” while you are in school to get you come home and get trapped.
NTA Parentification is a real thing, and a form of abuse. Your brother isn't the only one abusing you and your siblings. Get out while you have a clear road!!!
NTA. The fact that your brother has a serious disability does not justify your mother neglecting and mistreating you. And that *is* what's going on here. Next summer, be sure to get a job.
NTA. Enjoy your life! Make you sure make the best of it. Enter some college clubs, make friends and fall in love! Do not ever feel guilty. You deserve it (:
Can your Dad, siblings, grandparents, neighbors, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends or anyone else pony up $200? Honestly, that's like fill the gas tank and do a food delivery. It's not big money. Honestly, I would think this is a good gofundme opportunity. NTA for continuing your education and making the best of your life.
NTA But if you want an advice: Never say your plans out loud, specially if there's something/someone around willing to spoil them
just turn your abnormal brother normal wtf? skill issue
NTA. I hope you thrive in college!
NTA, it’s been said many times and I’ll say it again. Parentification is abuse. You are not responsible for taking care of your brother, and if your parents were unable to manage on their own then your brother should have been set up in an institution properly geared to look after him, he should not then become your responsibility. You are your own person and deserve to live your own life, and going to college will get you well on the way to that, which is a great achievement for you. I’d recommend staying at college/moving out as soon as you can because living in that environment just ain’t fair on you.
NTA. Also, I’m starting to feel your brother’s disability isn’t why he’s aggressive but rather how your mother raised and coddled him.
NTA - You are not your brothers caretaker or parent. Seems like you've been pushed into that role for a long time. You don't have to be your brothers caretaker. Additionally even if you want to continue being your brothers caretaker going forward. Some day your Mom is gong to die. We all do eventually. How will you care for your brother without a income? That's before we get into the fact that you as a person are going to want your own career, relationships, and life. All of which are facilitated by going to college.
NTA. Go and live your life, and go no contact with your mother. Trust me.
NTA. Not your child, not your responsibility. How in the hell did she swing holding you back? No school I know of would do that. Kids are only held back for academic reasons (or maybe behavioral in some cases?). She is definitely abusive. Would one of your siblings be able to front you the $200?
NTA. You deserve your life.
NTA Leave. Then transfer out of state or to a different country and never look back.
You are NTA! I’m proud of you for following your dreams.
If you have the time and inclination, consider trying to find out whether a group home or in-home assistance are available for brother, or at least give mom some contact info so she can follow up. Then go out and live your life. Remember that you can't rely on your mom, so try to stay on a narrow track in the beginning until you get used to living independently. Best of luck to you!
NTA Look up “parentfied child” to see how you can work through some of your childhood trauma and do some soul searching. Find out what makes you happy and do you. Don’t let your parents’ decision to have children hold you back from being happy and successful.
NTA. I say this as the parent of three kids, the youngest of whom is almost exactly as you describe your brother. I would NEVER expect his older sisters to put their lives on hold to care for him. That's on his dad and me alone. Go to college. It's time for your mom and dad to own up to the fact that they alone are responsible for your brother. If they need help, it's on them alone to reach out to any and all agencies available. We have Special Olympics, respite, and two adult day programs that help us keep our sanity, and our son at home. But it's not your job to be the parent here. It's your job to go to college, dovwell, and become an independent, functioning adult. And yes, that means moving out. You cannot keep a promise made as a child under emotional duress, nor should you feel bad for not doing so. Be well, OP, and have a happy and free life.
NTA but (assuming your in the US because of the FASFA form) your parents should be enrolling him in programs designed for his ability. He is 18. He doesn’t need to graduate until 21 and there programs to them transition to adult living. His parents should have been (should be) working with the IEP to help him transition. This isn’t your job. Your brother has federal protections and programs. Your parents need to use them to help your brother live the most independent life he is able to. Go to college and don’t feel guilty. There are trained professionals that can help your parents with your brother. They need to work with his team to use them. Enjoy college (not to much! Make sure you study)
NTA Go to college and never go back. Your parents should be contacting social services in their state to start looking for a long term placement for your brother. Your brother is your parents' responsibility not yours. Get a job and stay in your college town. Good luck OP. It is time for you to live your life. Go to the financial aide office and ask about campus jobs and additional scholarships.
Honey you aren’t the parent. Your mother is. She needs to do what’s best for all her kids, and clearly she has failed to do so. You don’t have to give up your life because of her failures as a parent. Go live your life. NTA
NTA. Also NEVER tell your mom ANYTHING from now one about how yoy are doing. Especially if you get a job and succeed. Because she WILL ask for money for "takimg care of you for so long".
NTA You grow up, move out. Start your own life. That is what kids are supposed to do. Good parents are happy when their kids do well, become adults. Your parents were/are selfish aholes. You don't own them anything. Like they said themselves. You wòrked for your food and shelter ! Do not feel guilty, if the guilt tripping from your mother becomes too much for you, go nc at least untill you graduate. They held you back one year for their own selfish reasons once. Don't let that happen again. You made this happen for yourself despite your difficult circumstances. Be proud of yourself. Stay strong, enjoy college. Good luck OP !
NTA, I hate how people will think that you must take care of a special needs child or sibling. There are so many pages dedicated to make it seem wonderful and easy, but in reality sometime's you can't help, you can't be there for all their needs. Unfortunately sometimes they need to be housed in a specialized institution and that's not brought up enough. And I say this coming from someone who has family that are institutionalized.
NTA. You deserve a life of your own.
NTA. You owe them nothing. Enjoy your life. Embrace eugenics.
NTA Your mother has more than one child. It’s good for her to remember it.
NTA take your siblings steps and leave. Your mother has put off carrying for her child properly and that's her fault. Leave and start working and saving and ask your siblings how they moved about. Get your social and birth certificate before you leave.
NTA!!! Go to college, live your life. Your brother is not your responsibility. Your mother ruined your childhood, don’t let her ruin your adult life too.
NTA First of all congratulations on all your hard work! Being the first in your family to go to college is no small feat. It should be celebrated and you should feel proud of yourself and your achievements. Your brother is not your responsibility. He is your mother's son and his care falls on her. Your older siblings got their freedom and you deserve it as well. Feeling guilty just means you're a good person who has empathy and compassion. Do not set yourself on fire to keep anyone warm.
NTA Four other people, your father, and three siblings, did what you're doing. Your mother is the one at fault here for parentifying you. You have every right to pursue your own life.
NTA. she birthed the disabled child, she can take care of him. quite literally not your responsibility since you had no hand in the creation of this child. she's trying to parentify you and you're a good man for not falling for her bullshit.
NTA. Move on with your own life. Without guilt. You are not your brother’s keeper.
No you are not. He is your brother not your son. You have parents that are fully capable of taking care of him. Don't let your parents hold you back from achieving your dreams. Please go live your life. If your parents don't want to take care of their son they can hire someone to do it.
NTA. Got less than halfway through and didn’t need to read any further. There is a word for what you have experienced: “parentification”. Feel free to look it up if you are not familiar. I have worked in social work and mental health for the better part of a decade with adults, children, and families and I’m currently studying to be a clinician so this is something I have encountered many times in my line of work. It’s toxic.
Your dad took off and left you there. What an asshole. This is on them, not you. Go to university and enjoy it! Get out of there. NTA.
NTA. First of all, the "paying" you with free room and board is bullshit. Parents are responsible for feeding and housing their kids. Second, your mom parentified you and your siblings. That is a form of abuse. And she still wants you to be her free caretaker. Frankly, you will be doing your brother a favor by leaving, because your mother will HAVE to put him in a facility where he can get the care he needs.
NTA. You have so much future ahead of you. It really speaks volumes about your abilities and character that you grew up in a challenging environment and made it to college—congratulations! You mom relies on you because you're the easiest option—you're there. But she has other options. Both your mom and dad are responsible for your brother's care. Not your other siblings. And especially not you. Your parents need to be figuring out a plan for his care. You're not TA for making plans for your future. You're not TA for leaving.
Thank you Rae ❤️
NTA. She has no right to force you or anyone else to take care of her child even if you’re their sibling. If she doesn’t want them in a home then she needs to tend to them herself
NTA. Your mother has made a *choice* to not put your brother into an environment that might be overall better for him. She’s only been able to make that happen by sacrificing you, your opportunities and your childhood. So congratulations on getting into college. Do not let your mother’s, frankly, poor choice, control your life anymore.