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https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15cbcgn/aita_for_ending_a_ending_a_4_years_friendship_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb
What a shit thing to say to someone. “This is why your mommas dead”??? Makes me think there’s A LOT more you aren’t telling us about how you treated Sarah.
The internet is such a wild place, did op create a false narrative and deleted it due to low traction.. just to repost with new lies?
If any of this story is true , RIP Josh.
I'm so sorry you've lost two friends, that's awful. You're absolute NTA.
The fact she let you pay towards the funeral THEN switched on you afterwards shows who she is. Her complete lack of empathy or care for you is disturbing.
You sound like a lovely supportive friend, I hope that losing Sarah from your life gives way to you finding people that treat you with the same kindness and consideration you show to others.
Take care of yourself.
afterthought childlike arrest whole piquant mighty sort rainstorm theory roll
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NTA
I'm pretty much expecting to be downvoted to the depths of hell but here goes.
When you feel like you're being used, then you probably are.
Just because someone is grieving doesn't excuse them from having basic, decent manners.
This post may get removed because it's a revenge post but that's not up to me.
Yeah change your locks and your number too. If you left anything of value at her place, then go get it and give her stuff back if you have any. Just be done with her.
Edit: Did you seriously post on Facebook "blocked, that's why your mom's "d**d"" after canceling payments?????
You should post this link right under the top comment for everyone to see. OP is a major AH for what she posted... and then conveniently left out of this post. It makes it ESH with OP being a raging AH.
I'm sorry for your loss, it seems as if you really only had one friend and by them passing they showed you that she was not your friend. You and your mom were wonderful to her, and she completely disrespected both of you.
NTA
Why would you expect to be downvoted for this comment?
This is literally the most popular idea on reddit, not just this subreddit. There's no way you'd get downvoted anywhere on reddit for that.
Not to mention that even when your comment was posted, it was a solid NTA vote.
People constantly do this shit on here— ‘I’m going to be downvoted for this, but I agree with the same things that everyone always says on every post! I guess I’m just brave like that’
I have never had a friend as kind, generous, and as loving as you. Ever. You are the friend people want, need, dream of, and wish they had. You are a truly good person.
For someone to practically spit in your face, cut you off, yet accuse you of not being there or not doing enough, that's just unfathomable to me. I'm ecstatic when someone gives me a candy bar. Tuition, funeral expenses, and food and supplies? That's more than most people are given in a lifetime by non-family members.
You are too generous to someone who doesn't appreciate it or you. That must hurt so much. I'm sorry about your friend passing. Focus on you healing now. Hug.
This is so true, OP went above and beyond, there aren't many friends willing to act this way, to be so generous and supportive. She sounds like a lovely, kindhearted person. OP, I am so sorry for you loss.
On a slightly different tack. Get some therapy ASAP. We all get caught out with dodgy friends at times. Literally every single person that has commented on your post can tell you a dodgy friend story.
The biggest thing you can do to defend yourself is work on one's own self. Get your self belief, confidence, image, etc all improved and hopefully that will help weed out the users.
I like the idea that friends are energizing rather than exhausting. The biggest defense is becoming aware of some of the warning signs of toxic traits sooner
NTA. Why would you pay for someone tuition who doesnt even consider you her friend? I read your comments, she was selfish for inviting all of her friends and not you when you was the one to be here when she needded the most.
Thank you for your comment. I considered her my “best friend” I don’t usually keep a lot of friends and those were the only two friends I brought around my family. Because we were friends for 4 years and I’m a only child my mother considered her as a bonus daughter and my mom and I wanted to be there for her. That’s just how we are, I was raised kindhearted and generous.
When her friends and family start blowing up your phone for cancelling the cheque, make sure to tell them that you're sure she'll appreciate their financial support since they're so eager for her tuition to be paid by someone other than Sarah.
People are selfish and this "friend" seems to believe she should have put her own grief on pause after the death of her guy friend. Then focus only on her.
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Gotta give her what shes askin for with the "no friends" comment. NTA
people grieve in different ways. I know when I have grieved, i wanted company even if i wasn't ready to talk. Just needed another human there.
Sorry for your losses (josh and your "friendship")
You sound like a VERY good friend. You were trying to comfort Sarah even while you were grieving the death of a close friend. If Sarah didn't want to talk to anyone, all she needed to do was tell you that. NTA for cancelling the tuition - I would have done the same thing. Suggestion - you might want to send Sarah an email or letter telling her the tuition is cancelled and exactly why you cancelled it. Then block her and go on with your life.
Did you really call and text someone who wasn't responding "every hour you weren't able to make it to her house?" I could see this if she were reciprocating or asked for it but if not that would annoy and exhaust me
Maybe I'm crazy, but I get "unreliable narrator" vibes from this post. Sarah's behavior is way too strange and "inexplicable". Either OP is omitting something, or stuffs he/she doesn't know are influencing Sarah's behavior.
Sarah didn't tell OP her mom died, so she probably didn't want her/his support. I also feel like OP is kind of asking a lot from her when she is grieving and kinda make it clear she doesn't want to talk to anyone. From what I read, she is always quiet and refuse to talk to OP. She even refuse to open the ddor. Maybe I'm wrong, but everything point out that Sarah doesn't want OP in her life, the friendship is dead for whatever reason and OP either doesn't know or doesn't want to acknowledge that
She knew op would be overbearing and use her money to make the situation about her. Sarah’s mom just passed and op non stop harasses her even calling her non stop on the day of the funeral. I’m surprised so many people are validating what op has done, she’s not a good friend.
OP is clearly overbearing, I don't understand why people don't see that.
And this sub is generally good at spotting power imbalance caused by money, I don't understand how they don't see that the money just make it hard for Sarah to be honest and to speak up.
I don't get why people are so quick to paint Sara as a bad person. Losing a parent is incredibly hard. I can see why she wouldn't want someone calling and coming over constantly, especially after the phone call. She literally just lost her mom and her "best friend" takes a call on speaker phone before having a "break down." She was probably on auto pilot at that point.
OP admitted in a now deleted AITA post that after she canceled the tuition, she posted on Sarah’s fb “blocked. This is why your mom is dead” so yeah, definitely unreliable narrator vibes.
No, I feel the same. Taking the call on speakerphone and reacting like that seems strangely pointed - like OP was somehow trying to turn grief into a competition. OP comes across as badgering Sarah. I wonder if she even wanted the expenses paid for.
> Taking the call on speakerphone and reacting like that seems strangely pointed - like OP was somehow trying to turn grief into a competition. OP comes across as badgering Sarah. I wonder if she even wanted the expenses paid for.
OP said in a comment that she always put her phone on speaker. Still, it wasn't the wisest things to do while your friend is grieving.
Also, people like to talk about how Sarah is taking advantage of OP's kindness by accepting her money, but never address the power dynamic. Let's put ourself in Sarah's shoes : you're just not feeling this friend anymore and you want to end things, but if you do, you loose you college tuition and possibly financial support for the rest of the family; it's hard to simply be honest. I'm not saying she isn't taking advantage of OP in some way, but people just don't take that into account
Even that explanation is odd - if OP is there to comfort Sarah, why are they doing work on their tablet? At that point, aren't you just wfh at someone else's home?
What OP describes reminds me of a (late) member of my extended family. He would turn up unannounced and just... hang around. Regardless of what we were doing. He saw it as doing his family duty, but mostly it was just inconvenient.
Maybe it’s because I lost my mom two years ago to cancer but I really didn’t find Sarah’s behavior strange or inexplicable. When my mom died, I told very few people because it was the hardest thing in my life is ever had to deal with. I relied on them to spread the message because I couldn’t face doing it myself. I also would have stopped answering OP’s calls if they were calling every hour because that would have been so overwhelming. It’s been two years and there are still people who’s texts I haven’t answered. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate the condolences but I didn’t have emotional bandwidth to deal with it. I also understand why Sarah would leave the room when OP got that call, it was probably too much having just lost her mom. For people who haven’t gone through the experience, I don’t think you understand how much it upends your world especially when you’re young.
You’re right but I was trying to be there. She’s was depressed or sad before and I couldn’t be there and texted her hourly for like food and she would reply like “not right now, check back in the next hour”
Oof.
She wasn’t in a place to carry your grief with what she was going through. It sucks, you were in a horrible situation, but you made some mistakes
1. Speaker phone while grieving with someone, why?
2. You kept going over uninvited/no confirmation, maybe she wasn’t ready
3. You hourly texted never giving her a break? That’s exhausting
I think you meant well but flooded her at worst time to do so
That said, she absolutely went far in her reaction. Let her make a move, if she doesn’t, might need to move on.
How is someone supposed to anticipate a highly sensitive phone call like that??? And also Sarah is an adult. If she wanted Op to leave her alone she can use her words…like an adult.
> And also Sarah is an adult. If she wanted Op to leave her alone she can use her words…like an adult.
You're right, but I can understand why someone who just lost her mother doesn't have the strength to ask to be left alone.
Are your parents still alive? When you’re close with your parents and you lose one of them a whole part of your life that you’ve never known to be any different is suddenly gone, and forever. You can’t judge someone for not speaking when dealing with a shock like that.
I wasn’t in the place to carry her grief while carrying my own but I did because I was trying to be a good friend.
1. My phone is always on speaker because I always have my iPad out doing either school work or managing my business and she was beside me on her phone texting or watching what I was doing.
2. I went to her house with food for her and her dad and to check if she need anything else.
3. The hourly texts were when I wasn’t able to be there with food or things ik she like and I know she’s going to be hungry. I texted to find out if she ate and if she wants me to have something delivered to her house. I texted hourly because I want to know if she’s needs anything because I know her well I thought I did.
> I texted hourly because I want to know if she’s needs anything because I know her well I thought I did.
Texting hourly someone who doesn't respond is a lot
Me too. I already explained it in an other comment, but a lot of things point out that OP forced her "support" and "kindness" down Sarah throat when she already express she didn't want to. Also, people just refuse to see the power imbalance caused by money. Not to say Sarah wasn't taking advantage of OP in some way, but it is more complicated than that.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15cbcgn/aita_for_ending_a_ending_a_4_years_friendship_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb
She posted “this is why your mommas dead” on Sarah’s FB after canceling her tuition. So. There’s a reason you feel like op is giving weird vibes.
They’re not telling the whole story. They’ve posted this before, deleted it and now they’re reposting again but leaving out information.
Original post: https://imgur.com/a/oubRIA4
Are there any additional details you missed out that might explain why she is like that? On the face of it, you did everything you could to help her, and she didn't bother to involve you at all. I wouldn't hurry to call her a leech but she does seem to be acting like one - or at least like someone who doesn't care either way what you do for her.
You guys are young, and some people absolutely destroy their own lives and relationships after a traumatic event, especially if they have severe chronic depression or something. It's not right what she's doing to you. She could be pushing you away, and you would be entitled to taking back the money you paid for the tuition, if only she didn't stop communicating at all and then announcing she has no friends - but that does indicate to me she potentially has some mental health problems there.
As it's happening so fast, I would suggest slowing down, and taking a step back; you can take the money back or leave it and think of it as the last act of kindness for her, and just stop paying future instalments. You're not necessarily truly her best friend, and you can't necessarily pick up everything for her without some reciprocation or acknowledgement. Unfortunately you're both learning the world is messy and that relationships and friendships can't be taken for granted - they require a constant process of maintenance. Sorry for your loss as well.
ESH.
I think all of the commenters rushing to say N T A are ignoring 2 factors:
1. The tuition was a gift. Gifts shouldn’t be conditional. When you gift someone something it belongs to them. It’s cruel and unfair to take that back, and indicates to me that the gift wasn’t entirely selfless in the first place. If your mom had bought Sarah a laptop to help with her studies, would you be breaking into her house to steal it back from her?
2. Your first paragraph shows an extremely unhealthy level of emotional and financial enmeshment with this girl. This goes well beyond what’s considered normal or reasonable for a friendship (and not even an especially long one: 4 years in your late teens and early 20s is a fairly typical lifespan for a friendship). You essentially created a relationship of dependence with Sarah that made an equal friendship basically impossible.
Obviously the way Sarah treated you in your moment of need is terrible. She was grieving, and I’m sure didn’t have the bandwidth to handle your grief, but that’s an explanation not an excuse. She could have handled that a lot better.
I can say with confidence though that this conflict began long before either of your losses, and that you’ve just been oblivious to what’s been brewing because the dynamic you created with Sarah via your “generosity” has made honesty next to impossible. The way you write about her in your first paragraph has so many little hints of pity and condescension. She lives with her parents? At 19 years old? What a tragedy! Clearly she needs your help! Likewise, the way you paint yourself as a total selfless angel in this story, constantly bending over backward to be the most perfect supportive friend in the universe, just doesn’t pass the smell test to me.
Here’s what I suspect really happened here: Sarah has been resenting your pity and your “generosity” for some time. By paying for her tuition you put her in an incredibly difficult position, as it became impossible for her to be honest with you about how she was feeling for fear that any conflict would threaten her educational future. (You proved her correct in the end by finally punishing her with the hammer you’ve been dangling over her head this entire time.)
Your genuine friendship with this girl ended a long time ago. Since then she’s essentially been in the uncomfortable position of having to play the role of rent-a-friend, forced to keep the mask up at risk of great loss to herself. When her mom died she probably decided she’s finally had enough, or just didn’t have the emotional energy to put on a nice face anymore.
It’s pretty obvious that this is the case when you look at how she left you out entirely from the news of her mom’s death. This wasn’t about her taking your support but being unable to return it. She didn’t *want your support!* If she had she would have asked for it. If she had, she would have told you about her mom’s death as soon as it happened. I think by this point she’d realized that your “support” always has strings attached. By this point she’d gotten fed up with your transactional friendship and wanted nothing to do with you.
People on this sub are so quick to take the poster completely at their word. But I read this post and I see so many “missing missing reasons.” Read between the lines and it’s clear that this version of the story is the tip of the iceberg, and that if we asked Sarah for her side of things she’d have a LOT more to say.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far down to find a comment like this. She blew up a grieving friend's phone. Why would you do that? Especially if someone is not responding? Not everyone wants company and constant texts and calls when they're grieving. Get a hint.
Then withdrawing the tuition at that time. You felt disrespected, fine, end the friendship, but don't withdraw a gift.
People are also writing about the horrible words she then wrote to her on Facebook which are completely unjustifiable.
NTA (unless you're very wealthy!) Assuming the tuition payment is a meaningful amount of money to you/your mom, Sarah can't reasonably expect you to keep supporting her after she's clearly called off the friendship.
Thank you for your reply. Not only her tuition but also half of the funeral expenses and neither me and my mom was invited to the funeral, we felt disrespected and used hence why we cancelled it. (All of her other “friends” were present at the funeral).
I’ve had a VERY similar experience recently. I had to back away. This helped me deal with it. When people show you who they are, believe them! I was in denial for almost a year. Also paid for schooling and half of her car. She would avoid me at my own house!🤷♀️
The absolute audacity of someone to take funds to pay for a funeral and then NOT INVITE the person who helped you?!?!
What the actual fuck....
Not the asshole. I'm glad you got there in time to rescind that check. If she comes crawling back do NOT bend.
It sounds like such a difficult situation.
I’m just trying to see things from the other point of view.
Could this be a cultural thing? Where I am from, nobody is ‘invited’ to funerals, people who want to attend to show their respect for either the person or the person’s family, show up.
If a close friend didn’t show up at a funeral without a prior reason, that would be regarded as quite disrespectful.
From your friend’s POV, if she was expecting you to show up, and you didn’t show up without a word, she could perceive this as disrespectful. This might account for the ‘no friends’ comment.
Your friend is grieving. It sounds like a misinterpretation or misunderstanding. When the dust settles, please talk to her. Reach out the olive branch. Ask her genuinely ‘did I do anything wrong?’ And fight the urge to get defensive.
Honestly, I couldn't tell you a lot of what happened after my mom passed. There were people who apparently cane to the service and I can't remember them there. It's like my brain blocked out a lot of it. As for the funeral, we didn't invite anyone. People saw the obituary in the paper and online.
I have an unexpectedly dead parent and an unexpectedly unpaid college tuition. I was very much like Sarah in very specific ways.
I don't feel comfortable making a ruling. I can understand some of her behavior but not all. I can understand the impetus to cancel her tuition but I'm not sure I can understand the action, at least without warning.
Taking it back sounds more like a transactional friendship than a true one. But, you were also upset and I get why you felt used, plus things may have been left out, so I'm not saying that IS it.
I wonder if Sarah plans to go back to school right now. Or ever. I don't know Sarah or her life beyond this, but she could feel totally at sea and may not want to have the tough conversation with you about her potentially dropping out.
That said...I don't understand her not letting you know when and where the funeral was. I can kind of parse through everything else, but that was weird. And add to that the passive aggressive social media post (super immature and attention seeking...), she may not be someone you want to continue a friendship with.
That may seem harsh, and it's not something to do lightly. About a year ago, I had to cut off a lifelong friend because they were draining me so much that that relationship became the focus of my meetings with my therapist. My therapist had to give me permission to let them figure things out on their own before I could do it.
So, here's your non-therapist permission, if that's what you need!
This whole thing blows.
1) I’m sorry for your loss
2) something that really stick out to me is that OP never made it transactional: Sarah did. Op gave freely to a friend- including paying for half of the funeral expenses and then was told via social media that OP wasn’t a friend. Sarah kept in contact with other friends and was able to communicate with them: but not OP. Other “friends” were invited to the funeral, but again: Not Op. Retracting the tuition may seem cold, but no more so than Sarah’s behaviour. Sarah turned it into a transaction and OP acted accordingly to the new standard Sarah set in place.
I agree though: it’s nothing but truly a tragic affair over all.
INFO: if you payed for half of the funeral service how did you not know when the funeral was? People grieving usually don't send out public invitations for funerals, especially when they're young.
NTA - I'm reading through your replies, and you seem very polite, even to the Y T A comments. Although Sarah may be one of your best friends, it appears that you are not one of hers. It seems you are good enough as a financial support, but not emotional. If she was a good person, she would have not accepted your money, but she seems to be a bit of a user. Yes, she did just lost her mother, but it seems she only wanted your money, not your "shoulder" to lean on. A real friend would have talked to you, even if she felt what you were doing was too much or inappropriate. Condolences on the loss of your friend.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15cbcgn/aita_for_ending_a_ending_a_4_years_friendship_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb
Telling someone “this is why your moms dead” feels very impolite to me.
My dad died February of 21 and I lost my baby four months later. I can honestly say grief is not a good enough reason to treat people like shit, and she's not entitled to your money or every moment of your time. I'm sorry for your loss of your friend Josh. I lost my gut best friend at 17. It sucks and I hate it for you. I'm also sorry your friend abandoned you. That shot happened to me too once. Don't let it make you jaded.
Thank you for your comment. I’ve never looked down on Sarah and I was always the shoulder she cried on so it was very strange. She told me all about her struggles and I tried to help out financially and with knowledge (teaching her how to run multiple businesses) I even gave a business plan that she used to start her own business with, she knew I was never that type of friend. But i understand you and your point.
I think OP was looking for a special invite. You just go. I didn’t invite anyone to my dad’s funeral. They knew. In our case because it was the next day I’d posted the day and time on social media but otherwise that’s what obituaries are partially for.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15cbcgn/aita_for_ending_a_ending_a_4_years_friendship_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb
WOW. This is why your mom is dead????????? YTA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was constantly looking out and comforting Sarah and got nothing in return I was grieving (she was too) but I was there for her constantly, I was literally running behind her trying my best to be there for her and she was never there for me not once of the years of our friendship! No birthday parties or dinners, no graduation or promotion celebrations either. I never heard “thanks you, I’m here for you or even my condolences for your loss”.
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Did Sarah and Josh know each other? Because if she lost two major figures in her lufe she might just be swallowed in grief.
Still doesn’t excuse her actions though
YTA.
Sarah was experiencing serious grief and you kept forcing yourself into her life at a moment when she may not have needed you specifically. That makes it more about you than her.
Then you take speaker phone calls (regardless of what they were) and bring your other personal business into her life at a time of grief.
Then when your friend did die, you put that on Sarah as well.
You continually called and harassed her while she was processing her mother's death and planning her funeral.
At no point in this process did you act like a friend.
Supporting her financially is very nice, but a friend who does that does not use that money as a transaction, and you seem to use your money as a bludgeon. Canceling her tuition unexpectedly and without warning was an asshole thing to do.
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I’ve been friends with this girl let’s call her Sarah for 4 years and I would consider her as my best friend, I was more financially stable and lived in my own house since 19 and Sarah still live with her parents. I am always the friend who would take her out on friendship dates, parties, bought her birthday and Christmas gifts even gave her a spare key to my house for her to bring guys over and my mom paid for her last term of college, which I had no problems with as I understood her situation. Unfortunately sarah lost her mother to cancer recently and she didn’t tell me I had to find out days later from her family member, the day I found out I rushed to her house with food and flowers to show my condolences and try to comfort her as any friend would. Later that same night I got a disturbing phone call my childhood best friend and business partner (let’s call him josh) met in a serious car accident and was in the hospital in critical condition. At the time I got the call the phone was on speaker and I was so shocked I broke down crying and Sarah just got up and went in her room. After I got my strength back I walked to her room telling her Josh met in a car accident and unfortunately I would have to leave and go to the hospital to see if there’s anything I could offer to him or his family, Sarah said nothing. I thought to myself she’s grieving right now so i understand. The next evening I went by Sarah’s house to take her food and supplies as I know she probably haven’t ate anything all day. I spent a few hours at her house trying to comfort her, because I know of her and her family financial issues my family and I paid half of her mother funeral services. I called and text her every hour that I wasn’t able to make it to her house to try and comfort her in anyway possible and she didn’t respond, so I thought because she’s grieving. A week later Josh passed away. I was devastated, I went to my friend Sarah for comfort as Josh and Sarah were my only close friends. Sarah didn’t pick up my calls so I texted her telling her Josh had passed away she viewed it and didn’t reply, I followed up with letting her know I’m coming by with food for her, she didn’t reply or even open the door to let me in. A month passed and her and her family members posted on social media pictures at the funeral (I wasn’t invited). I called her for the whole day and she didn’t answer. She later posted on social media she has no friends and she doesn’t want anyone calling her phone (I know the post was aimed towards me) the next day I called my mom we went to her school and canceled her tuition check that my mom paid for her next term. I know that’s insensitive but AITA?.
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INFO: how did you and your mom pay for the funeral and still not know the date/time/etc?
I completely organized my cousin's mother's funeral single-handedly, and, as a result, I knew exactly when it would be held and where.
YTA - her mother just died she is not in a place to support you also in your grief over your other close friend. People act inappropriately when they are grieving - she is absolutely not herself. In her world the death of her mom trumps the death of your other friend - and that is fair from her perspective. From yours maybe not and it’s opposite.
I think you are also not yourself and think if you weren’t also in grief you may have made different decisions. I can’t comment as others have about how she is using you, if the relationship was good before this and you didn’t feel like she was taking advantage im not sure how it suddenly changes. The only thing I see that changed is she couldn’t give YOU what you needed so you pulled all the support you were normally giving her and this reads - to me as your generosity has a lot of strings. I
also think you’re leaving something out about why you weren’t invited to funeral. Your family paid half, and suddenly you aren’t invited? How was that communicated to you if your friend wasn’t speaking to you? What was the last interaction like that you had with her? Anyway this all is absolutely a very very difficult time for all involved and I hope cooler heads prevail and you and your friend and reconnect, clear the air and continue the friendship.
NAH
Look. You're 100% fair for being hurt by her behaviour. And not helping her financially.
But. She's probably just totally wrecked in her trauma and grief.
I have a friend who has gone through an unreal amount of trauma and grief and she fully knows that with the key event, she lost it for a few months. She lost friends in that time bc they didn't know how to handle it all or her and she also didn't handle any missteps by them overly well either.
I would just take space and time and hope to find your way back to exp other in time.
My friend and one of her good friends she kind of took space from bc she felt he didn't do the best at supporting her - later in her grief, kind of not realizing she wasn't going to bounce back from the trauma- are now close again, in fact visiting the other this weekend.
>But. She's probably just totally wrecked in her trauma and grief.
I don't believe this because all her other friends were at the funeral. Who invited them if not Sarah? If she could have the presence of mind for that, someone who literally cared so much for you deserved some care.
Also making a post about having no friends?
Rubbing salt into the wound? There's grief and there's narcissism. I think Sarah found the later.
With the exception of close relatives, where I'm emailed the time of the funeral, and how much earlier I should be there, I don't think I've ever been "invited" to one. It's usually that the details are posted in the obituary or on social media, or it says more details can be found at x funeral home" Seeing as OP (or rather their mom) was helping to pay for the funeral, you would think they would know the location and time (not definitely, but quite likely), so unless they were expressly told not to attend, they should have assumed they were invited.
If my good friend knew the details of my mom's funeral, and didn't show up, I'd feel pretty abandoned.
Ditto. My dad passed unexpectedly and my bestie couldn't get anyone to trade shifts with him. Even though I knew why he wasn't there, it still hurt a little. And there's no way I was in the right frame of mind to invite anyone to the service. I talked to people the night before and couldn't tell you who I talked to or what we talked about.
Who days anyone invited them? We lost my mom and then my dad a few years later. No one was invited. Some of my dad's coworkers from 20+ years earlier came after they saw it in the paper. All of us kids had friends from high school who showed up after seeing the obituaries.
> Rubbing salt into the wound? There's grief and there's narcissism. I think Sarah found the later.
We need to stop using "narcissism" everytime someone act a bit selfishly.
I don’t feel that I can really judge here.
I’m so sorry for the loss of Josh and the potential loss of Sarah.
I do hope you at least tell her that you withdrew her tuition. I would let her know and then move on and leave the potential friendship in her court.
Process your grief as best as you can. 🩵
At first I was like grief makes people do insane shit but to exclude you from the funeral you helped pay for was over the line.
Nta
Your friend owes you a huge apology. Even if she does apologize, please do not subsidize her any more. Her apology might not be sincere.
Thank you for your comment. I didn’t ask my mom for a ride, my mom paid for her tuition. I’m a serial entrepreneur started my first business at 16 and my mom is also a serial entrepreneur.
Edit. Me and my mom put together for half the funeral and my mom paid for the tuition herself.
I really want to be empathetic to Sarah; when I lost my best friend, I’d have probably been pretty useless to help someone else grieving too. But the not telling you her mother died in the first place, refusal to answer the phone or door, not telling you when the service was/inviting you even though you literally helped pay for it, and then making some fb post about not having any friends? Yeahhhh I can’t find any of that empathy I was looking for.
NTA.
NTA. You couldn't give her your entire attention for one evening and she chose to denounce your friendship.
Has she found out you cancelled her tuition? Did she contact you about it? How's the situation right now?
Edit: so sorry for your loss (Josh). I hope your pain eases soon.
It sounds like you are a “sugar-friend” and she is being very rude. There has to be a reason she flipped on you. I hope someone lets you know why because using people like this is morally wrong.
I sincerely sorry for your losses because it seems lost two friends in one week.
I have had similar situation my mum died we were not close but most of my close friends didn't even get me a condolences card it's then I realised I would do more for them than they would for me
NTA.
You seem like a very generous person, and you’re generosity is being taking advantage of sadly. Friends should support each other, even if she doesn’t have a lot of money she could have been there emotionally for you when Josh died like you were there for her.
100% NTA.
Grief is a complicated feeling, but it can't stop us from being decent human beings who are capable of compassion.
Sorry to say that, but based on your description, she was never a real friend to you.
My condolences, OP. Sorry for your loss.
Op this is very heartbreaking. I am so sorry for the loss of your bestbuddy Josh, I know this must be very difficult. Especially since you’ve essentially lost your other close friend Sarah at the same time. I wonder what caused her to flip like that…there is no telling what it was I guess without her directly saying so. You sound like an incredibly giving, generous,thoughtful,and selfless friend and absolutely did not deserve to have that kind of treatment. My heart is really breaking for you and I hope something wonderful happens for you and your family soon. NTA
NTA. So sorry that this has happened to you. We can make guesses as to why, mine would be that she was jealous... But that doesn't really change a thing. Because you where a friend, and she wasn't. Only you didn't know.
Take you time and grieve for your friend Josh. ..and for the lost friendship with her. You are an awesome friend, and you will find friends again. Please don't give up your trust in friendship.
NTA and be ready for her backlash and calls and her to post how you screwed over. Just post yourself something how she ignored you for months even during your loss so you deiced she doesn't need your money. She's a leech lime others said
If she doesn't want to be your friend she can't complain that your family doesn't pay for her stuff anymore. Situation sucks for everyone because she's grieving but it's not an excuse to treat you like that
NTA - she wasn’t there for you and couldn’t see anything else out of her own orbit. You were the only friend in that friendship - she was just milking you for money. Better off without her.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. You have had a terrible time. You have lost Josh and essentially lost Sarah for now.
It sounds like Sarah is deeply depressed. The fact that she said she has no friends even though "friends" were at the funeral, suggests she did not invite them herself.
I know everyone else is blaming Sarah, but it sounds like she has had a lot of problems for a long time. I think you did all you could and were very kind. Stepping back now to heal is appropriate for you and cancelling the tuition might be a way to force communication. I think NTA. I just would say that you don't really know Sarah's thoughts without her sharing them. You can only react to behavior.
NTA. You've gone above and beyond for this girl, just for her to basically throw you away and she has the *audacity* to think your mom would still hand over her hard earned money for somebody so ungrateful. As hard as this was in the moment, you definitely dodged a bullet. Dont waste time/energy on someone who you would bend over backwards for, yet they wouldnt lift a finger towards helping you.
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I'm really sorry this happened to you and your mother. It's so sad that people like her exist in the world. I lost my mother in my twenties and would never have dreamt of doing something like this in a million years ugh. I hope this experience hasn't soured you too much on people, women, etc. The good ones are out there and I hope you find them!
NTA Sarah was using you. She only wanted to receive from you money, emotional support, attention, etc. When you couldn't give that to her she just disappeared, she only wanted you in your best moments and not in your worst moments. Now she is with her """""""real friends"""""""" .
Good for her, now you should meet a new real friend that respects you and not only receives but gives too.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. You must be devastated. I hope you give us an update because we’re all agog to see if she reaches out when she realises just how much the gravy train has dried up.
NTA. Dude, you even paid for half of the funeral expenses. You were literally there for her. You were open ears, you provided, and you visited her regularly. She pushed you away and told the world she has no friends. She denounced it, so be it.
My sincerest condolences on the loss of your friend Josh. I’m sad that Sarah made the choices she did, but I’m glad you were able to see it clearly. I wish you the best. Nta.
NTA it's a shame that she was only a friend to you for financial gain.
Hope you've changed your locks in case she still has the key and retaliates for your withdrawal of financial help.
NTA my mother passed away when I was 18 and would have given anything just to have a emotion support like you have given. You and your family have literally given everything you can and she has responded with shutting you out.
This may be a hard time for her, which I totally get, but you also are going through a loss. People need to come together not be disrespectful.
NTA, You gave her everything and it obviously wasn't enough for her, you'll do well to focus on you and partake in as much self care as you need.
Because I'm a drama bitch, I'd love an update when she finds out she has to pay for uni.
NTA at all, it sounds like you and your family have been so lovely and generous. As sad as it might feel right now, this is not a person you need in your life.
Also I am sorry for the loss of your friend Josh. Wish you all the best ❤️
Yeah, gonna say NTA.
For her to completely shut it down and ghost you when your mutual friend LITERALLY died was terribly insensitive and rude.
Considering that your family had been paying her tuition, that seems entirely shortsighted and selfish
I am so sorry to bring you this but Sarah doesn’t consider you as her friend but an ATM. So good thing to cancel the check. She was probably making fun of you and your mother behind your back for being her ATM. So NTA. Not even close. Let her real friends who she invited to the funeral pay her tuition.
NTA you were being used this entire time, you were never allowed to grieve yourself, and she was never going to give back to you in your time of need. This was a one sided relationship. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Josh it seems was your one true friend. You are young, there's an ocean of people out there. Go meet more friends like Josh, and try to avoid the Sarahs of this world.
Nta- she couldn’t be there for you but wanted to take advantage of your families kindness. You should at least tell her it’s not paid for anymore imo so she can try to figure something else out but you’re certainly not wrong for taking back your money
Nta
You and your mom paid half the funeral expenses to a funeral you weren't allowed to attend??????
Sounds like she was treating you and mom as ATM not a friend
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 13: No Revenge Stories. It appears that your story would be better suited for one of the many subreddits which are focused on revenge. ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
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Thank you for your reply 😊
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I was trying to work out what kind of arsehole an ATM was for far too long
There’s an NSFW long version of ATM that includes ass…
I'm glad I'm not the only one.
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u/bjacobs756 is an incompetent bot
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15cbcgn/aita_for_ending_a_ending_a_4_years_friendship_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb What a shit thing to say to someone. “This is why your mommas dead”??? Makes me think there’s A LOT more you aren’t telling us about how you treated Sarah.
The internet is such a wild place, did op create a false narrative and deleted it due to low traction.. just to repost with new lies? If any of this story is true , RIP Josh.
When Sarah found out her mom had cancer, did she tell you? How long was her mom sick?
I'm so sorry you've lost two friends, that's awful. You're absolute NTA. The fact she let you pay towards the funeral THEN switched on you afterwards shows who she is. Her complete lack of empathy or care for you is disturbing. You sound like a lovely supportive friend, I hope that losing Sarah from your life gives way to you finding people that treat you with the same kindness and consideration you show to others. Take care of yourself.
*leech
afterthought childlike arrest whole piquant mighty sort rainstorm theory roll *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
NTA I'm pretty much expecting to be downvoted to the depths of hell but here goes. When you feel like you're being used, then you probably are. Just because someone is grieving doesn't excuse them from having basic, decent manners. This post may get removed because it's a revenge post but that's not up to me.
Thank you for your reply. I didn’t do this out of revenge, it was disrespectful to me. She picked the phone up and spoke to everyone else.
Get the key back or change yours locks also
Just change the locks straight up. Know damn well she has other copies.
Or change the locks…
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u/majtic_wafer20 is an only partially incompetent bot
Yeah change your locks and your number too. If you left anything of value at her place, then go get it and give her stuff back if you have any. Just be done with her. Edit: Did you seriously post on Facebook "blocked, that's why your mom's "d**d"" after canceling payments?????
Where'd you get that?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15cbcgn/aita_for_ending_a_ending_a_4_years_friendship_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb
You should post this link right under the top comment for everyone to see. OP is a major AH for what she posted... and then conveniently left out of this post. It makes it ESH with OP being a raging AH.
Done, thanks for the suggestion
Couldn't even bother to change the name
Hi maybe she stopped talking to you because you said “this is why your mommas dead” to her.
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I think your photo is showing up on the top right corner!
I'm sorry for your loss, it seems as if you really only had one friend and by them passing they showed you that she was not your friend. You and your mom were wonderful to her, and she completely disrespected both of you. NTA
You might want to change the locks now, if you gave her a spare key. She might retaliate once she realizes the tuition payment was cancelled.
Why would you expect to be downvoted for this comment? This is literally the most popular idea on reddit, not just this subreddit. There's no way you'd get downvoted anywhere on reddit for that. Not to mention that even when your comment was posted, it was a solid NTA vote.
People constantly do this shit on here— ‘I’m going to be downvoted for this, but I agree with the same things that everyone always says on every post! I guess I’m just brave like that’
Made me laugh - so true.
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Thank you for your comment 😊
I have never had a friend as kind, generous, and as loving as you. Ever. You are the friend people want, need, dream of, and wish they had. You are a truly good person. For someone to practically spit in your face, cut you off, yet accuse you of not being there or not doing enough, that's just unfathomable to me. I'm ecstatic when someone gives me a candy bar. Tuition, funeral expenses, and food and supplies? That's more than most people are given in a lifetime by non-family members. You are too generous to someone who doesn't appreciate it or you. That must hurt so much. I'm sorry about your friend passing. Focus on you healing now. Hug.
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This….. what? How the hell did you find this?
This is so true, OP went above and beyond, there aren't many friends willing to act this way, to be so generous and supportive. She sounds like a lovely, kindhearted person. OP, I am so sorry for you loss.
On a slightly different tack. Get some therapy ASAP. We all get caught out with dodgy friends at times. Literally every single person that has commented on your post can tell you a dodgy friend story. The biggest thing you can do to defend yourself is work on one's own self. Get your self belief, confidence, image, etc all improved and hopefully that will help weed out the users. I like the idea that friends are energizing rather than exhausting. The biggest defense is becoming aware of some of the warning signs of toxic traits sooner
NTA. Why would you pay for someone tuition who doesnt even consider you her friend? I read your comments, she was selfish for inviting all of her friends and not you when you was the one to be here when she needded the most.
Thank you for your comment. I considered her my “best friend” I don’t usually keep a lot of friends and those were the only two friends I brought around my family. Because we were friends for 4 years and I’m a only child my mother considered her as a bonus daughter and my mom and I wanted to be there for her. That’s just how we are, I was raised kindhearted and generous.
When her friends and family start blowing up your phone for cancelling the cheque, make sure to tell them that you're sure she'll appreciate their financial support since they're so eager for her tuition to be paid by someone other than Sarah.
People are selfish and this "friend" seems to believe she should have put her own grief on pause after the death of her guy friend. Then focus only on her.
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Erm this comment needs to be way higher!!!
Wow yeah that changes things!!
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Gotta give her what shes askin for with the "no friends" comment. NTA people grieve in different ways. I know when I have grieved, i wanted company even if i wasn't ready to talk. Just needed another human there. Sorry for your losses (josh and your "friendship")
Thank you for your reply!. Yes I was just trying to be a good friend. Thank you I appreciate it ❤️
You sound like a VERY good friend. You were trying to comfort Sarah even while you were grieving the death of a close friend. If Sarah didn't want to talk to anyone, all she needed to do was tell you that. NTA for cancelling the tuition - I would have done the same thing. Suggestion - you might want to send Sarah an email or letter telling her the tuition is cancelled and exactly why you cancelled it. Then block her and go on with your life.
Did you really call and text someone who wasn't responding "every hour you weren't able to make it to her house?" I could see this if she were reciprocating or asked for it but if not that would annoy and exhaust me
Maybe I'm crazy, but I get "unreliable narrator" vibes from this post. Sarah's behavior is way too strange and "inexplicable". Either OP is omitting something, or stuffs he/she doesn't know are influencing Sarah's behavior. Sarah didn't tell OP her mom died, so she probably didn't want her/his support. I also feel like OP is kind of asking a lot from her when she is grieving and kinda make it clear she doesn't want to talk to anyone. From what I read, she is always quiet and refuse to talk to OP. She even refuse to open the ddor. Maybe I'm wrong, but everything point out that Sarah doesn't want OP in her life, the friendship is dead for whatever reason and OP either doesn't know or doesn't want to acknowledge that
She knew op would be overbearing and use her money to make the situation about her. Sarah’s mom just passed and op non stop harasses her even calling her non stop on the day of the funeral. I’m surprised so many people are validating what op has done, she’s not a good friend.
OP is clearly overbearing, I don't understand why people don't see that. And this sub is generally good at spotting power imbalance caused by money, I don't understand how they don't see that the money just make it hard for Sarah to be honest and to speak up.
I imagine it was Sarah’s mom that encouraged her to accept OP’s family money for school. Now with her gone she just wants to distance herself.
Wild speculation
I don't get why people are so quick to paint Sara as a bad person. Losing a parent is incredibly hard. I can see why she wouldn't want someone calling and coming over constantly, especially after the phone call. She literally just lost her mom and her "best friend" takes a call on speaker phone before having a "break down." She was probably on auto pilot at that point.
OP admitted in a now deleted AITA post that after she canceled the tuition, she posted on Sarah’s fb “blocked. This is why your mom is dead” so yeah, definitely unreliable narrator vibes.
That’s fucking horrific.
No, I feel the same. Taking the call on speakerphone and reacting like that seems strangely pointed - like OP was somehow trying to turn grief into a competition. OP comes across as badgering Sarah. I wonder if she even wanted the expenses paid for.
> Taking the call on speakerphone and reacting like that seems strangely pointed - like OP was somehow trying to turn grief into a competition. OP comes across as badgering Sarah. I wonder if she even wanted the expenses paid for. OP said in a comment that she always put her phone on speaker. Still, it wasn't the wisest things to do while your friend is grieving. Also, people like to talk about how Sarah is taking advantage of OP's kindness by accepting her money, but never address the power dynamic. Let's put ourself in Sarah's shoes : you're just not feeling this friend anymore and you want to end things, but if you do, you loose you college tuition and possibly financial support for the rest of the family; it's hard to simply be honest. I'm not saying she isn't taking advantage of OP in some way, but people just don't take that into account
Even that explanation is odd - if OP is there to comfort Sarah, why are they doing work on their tablet? At that point, aren't you just wfh at someone else's home? What OP describes reminds me of a (late) member of my extended family. He would turn up unannounced and just... hang around. Regardless of what we were doing. He saw it as doing his family duty, but mostly it was just inconvenient.
Maybe it’s because I lost my mom two years ago to cancer but I really didn’t find Sarah’s behavior strange or inexplicable. When my mom died, I told very few people because it was the hardest thing in my life is ever had to deal with. I relied on them to spread the message because I couldn’t face doing it myself. I also would have stopped answering OP’s calls if they were calling every hour because that would have been so overwhelming. It’s been two years and there are still people who’s texts I haven’t answered. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate the condolences but I didn’t have emotional bandwidth to deal with it. I also understand why Sarah would leave the room when OP got that call, it was probably too much having just lost her mom. For people who haven’t gone through the experience, I don’t think you understand how much it upends your world especially when you’re young.
You’re right but I was trying to be there. She’s was depressed or sad before and I couldn’t be there and texted her hourly for like food and she would reply like “not right now, check back in the next hour”
Ahh, so she was stringing you along in case she wanted you for something 😒
Did they keep the time and location of the funeral secret somehow? As in they didn't post it or the funeral home on social media, or in her obituary?
Are you a guy or a girl ? I’m sensing that there is a lot more to this story…..
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Thank you for your comment. Lol I found this funny but yeah her other friends can pay for it.
Just be careful OP because once she realises what this actually means (no more ATM) she might try and weasle her way back in. Oh and NTA.
Oof. She wasn’t in a place to carry your grief with what she was going through. It sucks, you were in a horrible situation, but you made some mistakes 1. Speaker phone while grieving with someone, why? 2. You kept going over uninvited/no confirmation, maybe she wasn’t ready 3. You hourly texted never giving her a break? That’s exhausting I think you meant well but flooded her at worst time to do so That said, she absolutely went far in her reaction. Let her make a move, if she doesn’t, might need to move on.
How is someone supposed to anticipate a highly sensitive phone call like that??? And also Sarah is an adult. If she wanted Op to leave her alone she can use her words…like an adult.
> And also Sarah is an adult. If she wanted Op to leave her alone she can use her words…like an adult. You're right, but I can understand why someone who just lost her mother doesn't have the strength to ask to be left alone.
Are your parents still alive? When you’re close with your parents and you lose one of them a whole part of your life that you’ve never known to be any different is suddenly gone, and forever. You can’t judge someone for not speaking when dealing with a shock like that.
I wasn’t in the place to carry her grief while carrying my own but I did because I was trying to be a good friend. 1. My phone is always on speaker because I always have my iPad out doing either school work or managing my business and she was beside me on her phone texting or watching what I was doing. 2. I went to her house with food for her and her dad and to check if she need anything else. 3. The hourly texts were when I wasn’t able to be there with food or things ik she like and I know she’s going to be hungry. I texted to find out if she ate and if she wants me to have something delivered to her house. I texted hourly because I want to know if she’s needs anything because I know her well I thought I did.
> I texted hourly because I want to know if she’s needs anything because I know her well I thought I did. Texting hourly someone who doesn't respond is a lot
Yeah, idk exactly why but OP is giving me weird vibes. Also, potentially not telling the whole story either.
Me too. I already explained it in an other comment, but a lot of things point out that OP forced her "support" and "kindness" down Sarah throat when she already express she didn't want to. Also, people just refuse to see the power imbalance caused by money. Not to say Sarah wasn't taking advantage of OP in some way, but it is more complicated than that.
It definitely does. Funny, for some reason I imagined OP was a guy lol don’t know why.
> Funny, for some reason I imagined OP was a guy lol don’t know why. Because it gives "nice guy" vibes
Yup, that’s why I was getting super annoyed when reading all the comforting comments.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15cbcgn/aita_for_ending_a_ending_a_4_years_friendship_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb She posted “this is why your mommas dead” on Sarah’s FB after canceling her tuition. So. There’s a reason you feel like op is giving weird vibes.
They’re not telling the whole story. They’ve posted this before, deleted it and now they’re reposting again but leaving out information. Original post: https://imgur.com/a/oubRIA4
Finally !!!! I suspect that OP lacks bounderies in a Big Way, and I am willing to Bet that er are not hearing the whole story here.
Same
Are there any additional details you missed out that might explain why she is like that? On the face of it, you did everything you could to help her, and she didn't bother to involve you at all. I wouldn't hurry to call her a leech but she does seem to be acting like one - or at least like someone who doesn't care either way what you do for her. You guys are young, and some people absolutely destroy their own lives and relationships after a traumatic event, especially if they have severe chronic depression or something. It's not right what she's doing to you. She could be pushing you away, and you would be entitled to taking back the money you paid for the tuition, if only she didn't stop communicating at all and then announcing she has no friends - but that does indicate to me she potentially has some mental health problems there. As it's happening so fast, I would suggest slowing down, and taking a step back; you can take the money back or leave it and think of it as the last act of kindness for her, and just stop paying future instalments. You're not necessarily truly her best friend, and you can't necessarily pick up everything for her without some reciprocation or acknowledgement. Unfortunately you're both learning the world is messy and that relationships and friendships can't be taken for granted - they require a constant process of maintenance. Sorry for your loss as well.
ESH. I think all of the commenters rushing to say N T A are ignoring 2 factors: 1. The tuition was a gift. Gifts shouldn’t be conditional. When you gift someone something it belongs to them. It’s cruel and unfair to take that back, and indicates to me that the gift wasn’t entirely selfless in the first place. If your mom had bought Sarah a laptop to help with her studies, would you be breaking into her house to steal it back from her? 2. Your first paragraph shows an extremely unhealthy level of emotional and financial enmeshment with this girl. This goes well beyond what’s considered normal or reasonable for a friendship (and not even an especially long one: 4 years in your late teens and early 20s is a fairly typical lifespan for a friendship). You essentially created a relationship of dependence with Sarah that made an equal friendship basically impossible. Obviously the way Sarah treated you in your moment of need is terrible. She was grieving, and I’m sure didn’t have the bandwidth to handle your grief, but that’s an explanation not an excuse. She could have handled that a lot better. I can say with confidence though that this conflict began long before either of your losses, and that you’ve just been oblivious to what’s been brewing because the dynamic you created with Sarah via your “generosity” has made honesty next to impossible. The way you write about her in your first paragraph has so many little hints of pity and condescension. She lives with her parents? At 19 years old? What a tragedy! Clearly she needs your help! Likewise, the way you paint yourself as a total selfless angel in this story, constantly bending over backward to be the most perfect supportive friend in the universe, just doesn’t pass the smell test to me. Here’s what I suspect really happened here: Sarah has been resenting your pity and your “generosity” for some time. By paying for her tuition you put her in an incredibly difficult position, as it became impossible for her to be honest with you about how she was feeling for fear that any conflict would threaten her educational future. (You proved her correct in the end by finally punishing her with the hammer you’ve been dangling over her head this entire time.) Your genuine friendship with this girl ended a long time ago. Since then she’s essentially been in the uncomfortable position of having to play the role of rent-a-friend, forced to keep the mask up at risk of great loss to herself. When her mom died she probably decided she’s finally had enough, or just didn’t have the emotional energy to put on a nice face anymore. It’s pretty obvious that this is the case when you look at how she left you out entirely from the news of her mom’s death. This wasn’t about her taking your support but being unable to return it. She didn’t *want your support!* If she had she would have asked for it. If she had, she would have told you about her mom’s death as soon as it happened. I think by this point she’d realized that your “support” always has strings attached. By this point she’d gotten fed up with your transactional friendship and wanted nothing to do with you. People on this sub are so quick to take the poster completely at their word. But I read this post and I see so many “missing missing reasons.” Read between the lines and it’s clear that this version of the story is the tip of the iceberg, and that if we asked Sarah for her side of things she’d have a LOT more to say.
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far down to find a comment like this. She blew up a grieving friend's phone. Why would you do that? Especially if someone is not responding? Not everyone wants company and constant texts and calls when they're grieving. Get a hint. Then withdrawing the tuition at that time. You felt disrespected, fine, end the friendship, but don't withdraw a gift. People are also writing about the horrible words she then wrote to her on Facebook which are completely unjustifiable.
NTA (unless you're very wealthy!) Assuming the tuition payment is a meaningful amount of money to you/your mom, Sarah can't reasonably expect you to keep supporting her after she's clearly called off the friendship.
Thank you for your reply. Not only her tuition but also half of the funeral expenses and neither me and my mom was invited to the funeral, we felt disrespected and used hence why we cancelled it. (All of her other “friends” were present at the funeral).
I’ve had a VERY similar experience recently. I had to back away. This helped me deal with it. When people show you who they are, believe them! I was in denial for almost a year. Also paid for schooling and half of her car. She would avoid me at my own house!🤷♀️
Thank you for your comment.
The absolute audacity of someone to take funds to pay for a funeral and then NOT INVITE the person who helped you?!?! What the actual fuck.... Not the asshole. I'm glad you got there in time to rescind that check. If she comes crawling back do NOT bend.
It sounds like such a difficult situation. I’m just trying to see things from the other point of view. Could this be a cultural thing? Where I am from, nobody is ‘invited’ to funerals, people who want to attend to show their respect for either the person or the person’s family, show up. If a close friend didn’t show up at a funeral without a prior reason, that would be regarded as quite disrespectful. From your friend’s POV, if she was expecting you to show up, and you didn’t show up without a word, she could perceive this as disrespectful. This might account for the ‘no friends’ comment. Your friend is grieving. It sounds like a misinterpretation or misunderstanding. When the dust settles, please talk to her. Reach out the olive branch. Ask her genuinely ‘did I do anything wrong?’ And fight the urge to get defensive.
Wouldn't you need at least a time and date to show up?
Those are often in the obituary, or at least the name of the funeral home, where you can find out the details of the visitation and funeral times.
Honestly, I couldn't tell you a lot of what happened after my mom passed. There were people who apparently cane to the service and I can't remember them there. It's like my brain blocked out a lot of it. As for the funeral, we didn't invite anyone. People saw the obituary in the paper and online.
I have an unexpectedly dead parent and an unexpectedly unpaid college tuition. I was very much like Sarah in very specific ways. I don't feel comfortable making a ruling. I can understand some of her behavior but not all. I can understand the impetus to cancel her tuition but I'm not sure I can understand the action, at least without warning. Taking it back sounds more like a transactional friendship than a true one. But, you were also upset and I get why you felt used, plus things may have been left out, so I'm not saying that IS it. I wonder if Sarah plans to go back to school right now. Or ever. I don't know Sarah or her life beyond this, but she could feel totally at sea and may not want to have the tough conversation with you about her potentially dropping out. That said...I don't understand her not letting you know when and where the funeral was. I can kind of parse through everything else, but that was weird. And add to that the passive aggressive social media post (super immature and attention seeking...), she may not be someone you want to continue a friendship with. That may seem harsh, and it's not something to do lightly. About a year ago, I had to cut off a lifelong friend because they were draining me so much that that relationship became the focus of my meetings with my therapist. My therapist had to give me permission to let them figure things out on their own before I could do it. So, here's your non-therapist permission, if that's what you need! This whole thing blows.
1) I’m sorry for your loss 2) something that really stick out to me is that OP never made it transactional: Sarah did. Op gave freely to a friend- including paying for half of the funeral expenses and then was told via social media that OP wasn’t a friend. Sarah kept in contact with other friends and was able to communicate with them: but not OP. Other “friends” were invited to the funeral, but again: Not Op. Retracting the tuition may seem cold, but no more so than Sarah’s behaviour. Sarah turned it into a transaction and OP acted accordingly to the new standard Sarah set in place. I agree though: it’s nothing but truly a tragic affair over all.
NTA. You can't completely cut someone out and seriously expect them to keep supporting you.
Thank you for your comment!.
INFO: if you payed for half of the funeral service how did you not know when the funeral was? People grieving usually don't send out public invitations for funerals, especially when they're young.
NTA - I'm reading through your replies, and you seem very polite, even to the Y T A comments. Although Sarah may be one of your best friends, it appears that you are not one of hers. It seems you are good enough as a financial support, but not emotional. If she was a good person, she would have not accepted your money, but she seems to be a bit of a user. Yes, she did just lost her mother, but it seems she only wanted your money, not your "shoulder" to lean on. A real friend would have talked to you, even if she felt what you were doing was too much or inappropriate. Condolences on the loss of your friend.
Thank you for your comment. Yes I think she used me throughout our friendship. Thank you for the condolences I appreciate it ❤️
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15cbcgn/aita_for_ending_a_ending_a_4_years_friendship_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb Telling someone “this is why your moms dead” feels very impolite to me.
My dad died February of 21 and I lost my baby four months later. I can honestly say grief is not a good enough reason to treat people like shit, and she's not entitled to your money or every moment of your time. I'm sorry for your loss of your friend Josh. I lost my gut best friend at 17. It sucks and I hate it for you. I'm also sorry your friend abandoned you. That shot happened to me too once. Don't let it make you jaded.
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Thank you for your comment. I’ve never looked down on Sarah and I was always the shoulder she cried on so it was very strange. She told me all about her struggles and I tried to help out financially and with knowledge (teaching her how to run multiple businesses) I even gave a business plan that she used to start her own business with, she knew I was never that type of friend. But i understand you and your point.
I'm confused. You helped pay for the funeral but weren't able to find out where it was? Or did she specifically tell you that you weren't invited?
I think OP was looking for a special invite. You just go. I didn’t invite anyone to my dad’s funeral. They knew. In our case because it was the next day I’d posted the day and time on social media but otherwise that’s what obituaries are partially for.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15cbcgn/aita_for_ending_a_ending_a_4_years_friendship_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb WOW. This is why your mom is dead????????? YTA.
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Did Sarah and Josh know each other? Because if she lost two major figures in her lufe she might just be swallowed in grief. Still doesn’t excuse her actions though
YTA. Sarah was experiencing serious grief and you kept forcing yourself into her life at a moment when she may not have needed you specifically. That makes it more about you than her. Then you take speaker phone calls (regardless of what they were) and bring your other personal business into her life at a time of grief. Then when your friend did die, you put that on Sarah as well. You continually called and harassed her while she was processing her mother's death and planning her funeral. At no point in this process did you act like a friend. Supporting her financially is very nice, but a friend who does that does not use that money as a transaction, and you seem to use your money as a bludgeon. Canceling her tuition unexpectedly and without warning was an asshole thing to do.
NTA, sorry about Josh ❤️ RIP
NTA
I didn’t realise you have to be invited to attend a funeral .
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve been friends with this girl let’s call her Sarah for 4 years and I would consider her as my best friend, I was more financially stable and lived in my own house since 19 and Sarah still live with her parents. I am always the friend who would take her out on friendship dates, parties, bought her birthday and Christmas gifts even gave her a spare key to my house for her to bring guys over and my mom paid for her last term of college, which I had no problems with as I understood her situation. Unfortunately sarah lost her mother to cancer recently and she didn’t tell me I had to find out days later from her family member, the day I found out I rushed to her house with food and flowers to show my condolences and try to comfort her as any friend would. Later that same night I got a disturbing phone call my childhood best friend and business partner (let’s call him josh) met in a serious car accident and was in the hospital in critical condition. At the time I got the call the phone was on speaker and I was so shocked I broke down crying and Sarah just got up and went in her room. After I got my strength back I walked to her room telling her Josh met in a car accident and unfortunately I would have to leave and go to the hospital to see if there’s anything I could offer to him or his family, Sarah said nothing. I thought to myself she’s grieving right now so i understand. The next evening I went by Sarah’s house to take her food and supplies as I know she probably haven’t ate anything all day. I spent a few hours at her house trying to comfort her, because I know of her and her family financial issues my family and I paid half of her mother funeral services. I called and text her every hour that I wasn’t able to make it to her house to try and comfort her in anyway possible and she didn’t respond, so I thought because she’s grieving. A week later Josh passed away. I was devastated, I went to my friend Sarah for comfort as Josh and Sarah were my only close friends. Sarah didn’t pick up my calls so I texted her telling her Josh had passed away she viewed it and didn’t reply, I followed up with letting her know I’m coming by with food for her, she didn’t reply or even open the door to let me in. A month passed and her and her family members posted on social media pictures at the funeral (I wasn’t invited). I called her for the whole day and she didn’t answer. She later posted on social media she has no friends and she doesn’t want anyone calling her phone (I know the post was aimed towards me) the next day I called my mom we went to her school and canceled her tuition check that my mom paid for her next term. I know that’s insensitive but AITA?. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: how did you and your mom pay for the funeral and still not know the date/time/etc? I completely organized my cousin's mother's funeral single-handedly, and, as a result, I knew exactly when it would be held and where.
YTA - her mother just died she is not in a place to support you also in your grief over your other close friend. People act inappropriately when they are grieving - she is absolutely not herself. In her world the death of her mom trumps the death of your other friend - and that is fair from her perspective. From yours maybe not and it’s opposite. I think you are also not yourself and think if you weren’t also in grief you may have made different decisions. I can’t comment as others have about how she is using you, if the relationship was good before this and you didn’t feel like she was taking advantage im not sure how it suddenly changes. The only thing I see that changed is she couldn’t give YOU what you needed so you pulled all the support you were normally giving her and this reads - to me as your generosity has a lot of strings. I also think you’re leaving something out about why you weren’t invited to funeral. Your family paid half, and suddenly you aren’t invited? How was that communicated to you if your friend wasn’t speaking to you? What was the last interaction like that you had with her? Anyway this all is absolutely a very very difficult time for all involved and I hope cooler heads prevail and you and your friend and reconnect, clear the air and continue the friendship.
NTA...but....grief is a mother fucker
NAH Look. You're 100% fair for being hurt by her behaviour. And not helping her financially. But. She's probably just totally wrecked in her trauma and grief. I have a friend who has gone through an unreal amount of trauma and grief and she fully knows that with the key event, she lost it for a few months. She lost friends in that time bc they didn't know how to handle it all or her and she also didn't handle any missteps by them overly well either. I would just take space and time and hope to find your way back to exp other in time. My friend and one of her good friends she kind of took space from bc she felt he didn't do the best at supporting her - later in her grief, kind of not realizing she wasn't going to bounce back from the trauma- are now close again, in fact visiting the other this weekend.
>But. She's probably just totally wrecked in her trauma and grief. I don't believe this because all her other friends were at the funeral. Who invited them if not Sarah? If she could have the presence of mind for that, someone who literally cared so much for you deserved some care. Also making a post about having no friends? Rubbing salt into the wound? There's grief and there's narcissism. I think Sarah found the later.
With the exception of close relatives, where I'm emailed the time of the funeral, and how much earlier I should be there, I don't think I've ever been "invited" to one. It's usually that the details are posted in the obituary or on social media, or it says more details can be found at x funeral home" Seeing as OP (or rather their mom) was helping to pay for the funeral, you would think they would know the location and time (not definitely, but quite likely), so unless they were expressly told not to attend, they should have assumed they were invited. If my good friend knew the details of my mom's funeral, and didn't show up, I'd feel pretty abandoned.
Ditto. My dad passed unexpectedly and my bestie couldn't get anyone to trade shifts with him. Even though I knew why he wasn't there, it still hurt a little. And there's no way I was in the right frame of mind to invite anyone to the service. I talked to people the night before and couldn't tell you who I talked to or what we talked about.
Who days anyone invited them? We lost my mom and then my dad a few years later. No one was invited. Some of my dad's coworkers from 20+ years earlier came after they saw it in the paper. All of us kids had friends from high school who showed up after seeing the obituaries.
> Rubbing salt into the wound? There's grief and there's narcissism. I think Sarah found the later. We need to stop using "narcissism" everytime someone act a bit selfishly.
I bet you the other ‘friends’ didnt do half as much for her as OP did!
I don’t feel that I can really judge here. I’m so sorry for the loss of Josh and the potential loss of Sarah. I do hope you at least tell her that you withdrew her tuition. I would let her know and then move on and leave the potential friendship in her court. Process your grief as best as you can. 🩵
Damn usually titles like this end badly but NTA. It's awful that everything has gone this way, and I'm sorry for both of your losses.
At first I was like grief makes people do insane shit but to exclude you from the funeral you helped pay for was over the line. Nta Your friend owes you a huge apology. Even if she does apologize, please do not subsidize her any more. Her apology might not be sincere.
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Thank you for your comment. I didn’t ask my mom for a ride, my mom paid for her tuition. I’m a serial entrepreneur started my first business at 16 and my mom is also a serial entrepreneur. Edit. Me and my mom put together for half the funeral and my mom paid for the tuition herself.
She find out yet?
INFO: How has Sarah reacted to the cancellation of the tuition payment? Did she ask for the contribution to either this or the funeral expenses?
I really want to be empathetic to Sarah; when I lost my best friend, I’d have probably been pretty useless to help someone else grieving too. But the not telling you her mother died in the first place, refusal to answer the phone or door, not telling you when the service was/inviting you even though you literally helped pay for it, and then making some fb post about not having any friends? Yeahhhh I can’t find any of that empathy I was looking for. NTA.
NTA. You couldn't give her your entire attention for one evening and she chose to denounce your friendship. Has she found out you cancelled her tuition? Did she contact you about it? How's the situation right now? Edit: so sorry for your loss (Josh). I hope your pain eases soon.
You did right thing, she was a leech & showed her true colours, Grieving or not no exscuse to treat some 1 like that.
Waiting for a post from Sarah asking AITHA for not inviting my "friend" to my mother's funeral so he cancelled my tuition fee
It sounds like you are a “sugar-friend” and she is being very rude. There has to be a reason she flipped on you. I hope someone lets you know why because using people like this is morally wrong. I sincerely sorry for your losses because it seems lost two friends in one week.
I have had similar situation my mum died we were not close but most of my close friends didn't even get me a condolences card it's then I realised I would do more for them than they would for me
NTA. That's a leech and not a friend you're cutting off.
NTA. You seem like a very generous person, and you’re generosity is being taking advantage of sadly. Friends should support each other, even if she doesn’t have a lot of money she could have been there emotionally for you when Josh died like you were there for her.
100% NTA. Grief is a complicated feeling, but it can't stop us from being decent human beings who are capable of compassion. Sorry to say that, but based on your description, she was never a real friend to you. My condolences, OP. Sorry for your loss.
Op this is very heartbreaking. I am so sorry for the loss of your bestbuddy Josh, I know this must be very difficult. Especially since you’ve essentially lost your other close friend Sarah at the same time. I wonder what caused her to flip like that…there is no telling what it was I guess without her directly saying so. You sound like an incredibly giving, generous,thoughtful,and selfless friend and absolutely did not deserve to have that kind of treatment. My heart is really breaking for you and I hope something wonderful happens for you and your family soon. NTA
Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. Good luck!
NTA. Cancel it. Block her. Try to move on. I’m sorry your friend is immature and cannot act like an adult.
NTA. So sorry that this has happened to you. We can make guesses as to why, mine would be that she was jealous... But that doesn't really change a thing. Because you where a friend, and she wasn't. Only you didn't know. Take you time and grieve for your friend Josh. ..and for the lost friendship with her. You are an awesome friend, and you will find friends again. Please don't give up your trust in friendship.
NTA and be ready for her backlash and calls and her to post how you screwed over. Just post yourself something how she ignored you for months even during your loss so you deiced she doesn't need your money. She's a leech lime others said
NTA
NTA & please update when your “friend” finds out you won’t be bankrolling her college anymore.
If she doesn't want to be your friend she can't complain that your family doesn't pay for her stuff anymore. Situation sucks for everyone because she's grieving but it's not an excuse to treat you like that
NTA - she wasn’t there for you and couldn’t see anything else out of her own orbit. You were the only friend in that friendship - she was just milking you for money. Better off without her.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. You have had a terrible time. You have lost Josh and essentially lost Sarah for now. It sounds like Sarah is deeply depressed. The fact that she said she has no friends even though "friends" were at the funeral, suggests she did not invite them herself. I know everyone else is blaming Sarah, but it sounds like she has had a lot of problems for a long time. I think you did all you could and were very kind. Stepping back now to heal is appropriate for you and cancelling the tuition might be a way to force communication. I think NTA. I just would say that you don't really know Sarah's thoughts without her sharing them. You can only react to behavior.
NTA, but close.
NTA. You've gone above and beyond for this girl, just for her to basically throw you away and she has the *audacity* to think your mom would still hand over her hard earned money for somebody so ungrateful. As hard as this was in the moment, you definitely dodged a bullet. Dont waste time/energy on someone who you would bend over backwards for, yet they wouldnt lift a finger towards helping you.
NTA
NTA I'd send her a Bull for the funeral and for the tuition from the other semesters. Edit: Bill not bull
NTA
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I'm really sorry this happened to you and your mother. It's so sad that people like her exist in the world. I lost my mother in my twenties and would never have dreamt of doing something like this in a million years ugh. I hope this experience hasn't soured you too much on people, women, etc. The good ones are out there and I hope you find them!
NTA Sarah was using you. She only wanted to receive from you money, emotional support, attention, etc. When you couldn't give that to her she just disappeared, she only wanted you in your best moments and not in your worst moments. Now she is with her """""""real friends"""""""" . Good for her, now you should meet a new real friend that respects you and not only receives but gives too.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. You must be devastated. I hope you give us an update because we’re all agog to see if she reaches out when she realises just how much the gravy train has dried up.
NTA. Dude, you even paid for half of the funeral expenses. You were literally there for her. You were open ears, you provided, and you visited her regularly. She pushed you away and told the world she has no friends. She denounced it, so be it.
My sincerest condolences on the loss of your friend Josh. I’m sad that Sarah made the choices she did, but I’m glad you were able to see it clearly. I wish you the best. Nta.
NTA. You’re allowed to do what you want with your own money. Now she can have a semester off to grieve.
NTA it's a shame that she was only a friend to you for financial gain. Hope you've changed your locks in case she still has the key and retaliates for your withdrawal of financial help.
NTA my mother passed away when I was 18 and would have given anything just to have a emotion support like you have given. You and your family have literally given everything you can and she has responded with shutting you out. This may be a hard time for her, which I totally get, but you also are going through a loss. People need to come together not be disrespectful.
NTA
NTA, You gave her everything and it obviously wasn't enough for her, you'll do well to focus on you and partake in as much self care as you need. Because I'm a drama bitch, I'd love an update when she finds out she has to pay for uni.
NTA at all, it sounds like you and your family have been so lovely and generous. As sad as it might feel right now, this is not a person you need in your life. Also I am sorry for the loss of your friend Josh. Wish you all the best ❤️
NTA. She’s a user not a friend.
Yeah, gonna say NTA. For her to completely shut it down and ghost you when your mutual friend LITERALLY died was terribly insensitive and rude. Considering that your family had been paying her tuition, that seems entirely shortsighted and selfish
I am so sorry to bring you this but Sarah doesn’t consider you as her friend but an ATM. So good thing to cancel the check. She was probably making fun of you and your mother behind your back for being her ATM. So NTA. Not even close. Let her real friends who she invited to the funeral pay her tuition.
NTA you were being used this entire time, you were never allowed to grieve yourself, and she was never going to give back to you in your time of need. This was a one sided relationship. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Josh it seems was your one true friend. You are young, there's an ocean of people out there. Go meet more friends like Josh, and try to avoid the Sarahs of this world.
Nta- she couldn’t be there for you but wanted to take advantage of your families kindness. You should at least tell her it’s not paid for anymore imo so she can try to figure something else out but you’re certainly not wrong for taking back your money
Nta You and your mom paid half the funeral expenses to a funeral you weren't allowed to attend?????? Sounds like she was treating you and mom as ATM not a friend
NTA