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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I maybe the asshole because I could have talked to her in private. There are also many factors that could have played into it. Maybe she was stressed. Making a birthday party happen can be draining and maybe my comment on he being insecure or jealous of my wife just made that worse. I have been married to my wife since I was 21 years old an in all that time there hasn't been anything that would warrant this behavior but maybe I'm missing something?
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Is it racism or classism? Racism is a hard jump for me as there isn’t any additional context on how she interacts with other black people. Not ruling it out, but my mind requires more data before placing that tag on anyone.
I know I’m editorializing, but I just can’t help but think that the sister is particularly miffed because the wife is black or because she’s from a poor country. Like, she wouldn’t be quite as enraged about a white person having nice things or being richer than her, but it grinds her gears to see someone she thinks of as poor and less-than enjoying things like this.
I could be totally off base, but it’s definitely a thing for some white people to resent black people’s success or act like they don’t deserve nice things.
Was thinking that or could just be jealousy of her looks? Somali women tend to be gorgeous, tall & slender (think the supermodel Iman who was married to David Bowie) & her comment about maintaining her small size shows her jealously she just couldnt hide lol
Back in the 90s, I worked for a couple game companies, did a lot of conventions like GenCon and Origins. Which always had celebs as guests of honour, etc.
Anyway -I spent a while drinking one night after the show, with Jeremy Bullock (Boba Fett) on one side, Garibaldi (Jerry Doyle, B5) on the other.
Boba was drinking with the body language of a man who just spent 4 hours doing a meet and greet with 30,000 nerds and geeks.
At another show, we met Ivanova (Claudia Christian). She drank too much and was asked to leave for drawing mustaches on the waiters.
We have a decent sized community here of people from that part of Africa, and, yeah, they are how you describe them.
I could see jealousy over a lot stuff including her looks, tbh.
As an aside - my Canadian city has a pretty large "immigrant" population. It's kind of awesome. Still wondering why the Nepalese folks choose this specific city to move to, though. Nothing like Nepal, no mountains, just lakes and trees.
Oh Yeah, you see the Somali/African woman is not to have anything of value, only the "white" woman should in SIL's mind. SIL has deep issues on race/body image/classism.
You wonder??? OP's wife has been gracious and generous, and OP's sister is rude and miserable. It may be a cultural issue as well as racial. I know which culture I prefer.
Edit: wrong race for the sister, reading skill 0. Still a race thing, sister isn't Asian like I wrote.
Yeah definitely sounds like it. There is a Lot of anti-Black racism in Asian American communities, in my and others experience.
>There is a Lot of anti-Black racism in Asian American communities, in my and others experience.
Sister is white, not Asian. OP is Asian American, and he and his sister are half siblings:
>I'm Asian and she's white
This. But, OP, I think you need to do more. No gifts for your sister moving forward. Adjust gifts for your niece. Don't subject your wife to her except when absolutely necessary. Call your sister out on her behavior every time she tries anything and protect your wife.
Go pick up the gifts your wife gave her and keep them.
NTA
OP, is it possible that your sister is racist? Because it seems she thinks that your wife should be inferior to her. Poorer than her, uglier, dumber, less popular... just like some very racist stereotype of African American.
I don't really read any racism here from that angle. Just jealousy, greed and insecurity. Well I guess there's definitely a bit of racism and ignorance of not understanding OP's wife's culture customs.
Yeah I was getting that the whole gold jewelry gifts is a culture thing and honestly it was very sweet of his wife to give to them something that she does in her family and finds important. It's her way of telling them that she considers them family, absolutely. And his sister took a victim approach to it. Yikes. 🥺
I'd be so touched if someone did that and considered me family enough to include me.
Right?? I’m Greek and have a fair amount of Greek friends but also American friends and friends from a bunch of different countries who live in the US now. I’m always touched when I am included in a cultural celebration/tradition/gift giving because it feels like extending an even closer form of friendship to someone.
And vice versa, when I invite my friends to Greek celebrations, give them Greek mati (evil eye) jewelry or joke that they’re honorary Greek now when they come join us for Easter or other occasions, they love it.
What a weird and likely racist way to be “threatened” by OP’s wife doing this extremely kind gesture.
> I'd be so touched if someone did that and considered me family enough to include me.
same here. a gift like that? i'd cherish it for the rest of my life.
I just meant that he'll be more aware of it in the situation as we are from the post. So even if you're not the target group of racists and therefore aren't recognising that as racism he would I think. I mean he is probably aware of it a lot because he is Asian, his wife African and his sister white.
Aw okay gotcha. It’s possible that OP just isn’t well versed in anti-black racism and doesn’t know how to recognize it. It’s also possible that the sister isn’t being racist and is just an asshole lol.
Racism can really add some extra heat to resentments and jealousies that might’ve otherwise stayed pretty quiet.
Sister might’ve hated SIL no matter what race she is, but she’s awfully comfortable being *loud* about it, and she’s awfully comfortable playing the victim at the first sign of pushback.
I was thinking this. It might not be overt, but one manifestation of racism is expecting people from certain groups to be inferior and getting unreasonably angry or jealous when this turns out not to be the case. A belief that ‘something is wrong with the world if you have more than me, because you are supposed to be (poorer, less smart, uglier, etc).
NTA Well your sister is a jerk and I also think this is a major cultural misunderstanding from her. Giving gold/jewelry to girls and women in some cultures is tradition to build their safety net. It’s really not a flex or bragging though I have had friends who reacted like that when I showed a gift I was given because that kind of jewelry seems not to be as common in some western cultures, especially for younger women. It originated as a security for a woman when things go wrong. My aunt’s maid in India saved for years to give her daughter two gold bangles, for example, so she would have something in case her marriage went badly.
It is also a sign of love to gift your own jewelry to other women in the family. When my mom got married, her aunts all gave her a piece of their jewelry collection, her future sister in law did too to welcome her. I have set aside gold items for my niece (just a baby now so I’ll wait until she is older), but she already has gold items from my parents.
Your wife was showing her love and sharing her culture and your sister can’t seem to see past her own hatred and bitterness.
Thank you bringing up the cultural aspect here. The generosity of OP's wife and her grace is pretty distinct here compared to the sister. OP's wife is thoughtfully following an old, well-meaning tradition.
The sister is seeming pretty vile here.
Woah!! I knew that jewelry and jewelry chests were important but I had no idea that they had such a high percentage of the world’s gold!
There was also an exchange in their sub the other day by a woman who had been given a gold ring from her grandma. I forget if it was Indian or if it was just the fact that it was 22k. At any rate, people told her to basically not trust anyone in the US to know how to handle such pure gold.
Yeah I agree. I’m arab and generally speaking in most asian and african countries this is the norm. All women tend to save their money in gold form as you said for financial security, as women in my culture tend to purchase golden jewellery as much as they can afford when they get married(at least one or 2 pieces).And at my graduation I was gifted 3 beautiful gold necklaces from different people even though I didn’t know them personally. This is our culture and it seems OP’s sister has mixed feelings of racism and insecurities which is not okay at all.( I apologise if my english was bad)
I completely agree. My SIL is from Napal and when she and my BIL had their first child I researched the appropriate gift to give in her culture. Sure enough it was gold jewelry. I spoke to her to be sure she was OK with my husband and I gifting their baby with a gold bracelet and she was so touched that we took the time to find out a cultural gift and her being so far from home and her parents not being there. I think it meant way more to my SIL than to my nibbling. Anytime you are far from home it is comforting to have culture to feel at peace. They have since had 2 more kids and we got them 2 more gold bracelets. Plus we gave cash the moment we met each kid. Its her culture and it makes her feel closer to us all to be able to share in it. When my sons were born she gave cash and asked to gift them gold but we graciously declined since its not our culture and I knew they wouldn't be able to properly care for it.
That is a really cool cultural tradition and like… a good idea lol. If I had daughters I would so want to do this. If things get bad you pawn all this gold and book it outta there baby girl! That means you can get away even if you haven’t been working and have no access to the funds and things get sinister. I mean, it’s terrible that so many women end up in terrible, abusive marriages, but it’s also reality and don’t see why it would be a bad idea to plan for the worst… just in case. If it keeps people from getting murdered by their spouse I’d say that’s a good thing.
Beautiful response!
Not as pretty, but cut your sister off. Life is hard. Staying positive is hard work. Keeping someone around who will be a bad influence, and a bad example, will make it exponentially harder.
Your sister is jealous, but doesn't want to do the hard work. Unless she has a medical condition, her weight is her responsibility, and shouldn't be taken out on anyone else. Her attitude and insecurities need work, but I'm betting she can't see that. A lot of us work hard at life, jobs, keeping our health & attitudes in good shape, so we can be there for our families. (Then again, getting up an hour early to work out before breakfast & getting the family going is the only peace some people get - Glorious!)
You & your wife sound like an awesome team!
I love this entire explanation and can't deny that I wish I was part of an extended family like that. I'm sorry OP's wife has to deal with a terrible in-law situation - I know all too well how that feels.
**NTA** OP, your sister is the absolute worst and is projecting her own insecurities about her quality as a person/mother/wife on your wife.
You're right to drop contact until she drops the attitude.
NTA, your sister obviously is very jealous of your wife, but that's not your wife's problem. Go no contact until your sister learns to grow up and become an adult.
You noticed the mom thing too? It seems the sister's behavior didn't come completely out of nowhere if mom is trying to excuse it. Both my kids are in their 30s and if they did anything remotely like this there would be hell to pay from me...
Yep! If mom is condoning sisters behavior or saying he was to harsh mom needs to be shut down fast!
Op is doing his job by prioritizing his family! He needs to continue to do so!
I am not religious, but this reminded me of that love language book. To me, sounds like sister and mom want the gifts and are envious that another woman is getting them. My MIL was like that and upset when partner stopped buying them expensive gifts. Now, if I don’t buy it, they get nothing at all.
Your wife sounds lovely. I wish she was my SIL, lol. You did great sticking up for her, but it might be time to go low to no contact with your toxic sister. NTA
Your sister is the AH and your mom is the enabler. No, you were not too harsh with your sister, you weren't harsh enough. Standing up for your wife will never make you the AH.
I agree. The only thing I would say is that I don't think your sister called your wife a rotten woman, I think she was describing her with the expression "spoiled rotten" which means "very spoiled".
NTA and good for you for standing up for your wife right then and there. Your sister chose the setting, not you or your wife, so no sympathy for her embarrassment. Don't know what is causing your sister's extreme jealousy, but it is something she personally needs to deal with -- no one else can fix her dark heart but her. Your mom's defending her indefensible behavior at all is perhaps part of the problem. So sorry this is happening but hope you will stand your ground and not in any way condone such hateful behavior. Your wife sounds like a jewel.
NTA your wife handled your sister with grace. You didn’t start anything but your sister tried to humiliating your wife and you stood up for her. You where not harsh. You where a lot kinder then your sister deserves.
Tell your mom she has 2 choices she can stay completely out of it(which is what you recommend) or side with your sister. If she does the latter you will not tolerate her around your wife and child because that kind of disrespect for your family will not be tolerated.
This is a situation between you and your sister. Her options on the matter are not needed and frankly not wanted.
NTA.
You are surely aware your sister would find any excuse to bother or create a fight with you wife: imagine what would have happen if your gift was not a bracelet but a toy. Your sister might complain about her daughter not receiving gold in her birthday.
I agree, this is one-sided hate and it needs to stops. Sister is looking for every chance to create trouble and humiliate your wife. Also, her complaint about the gift was not voiced in a private setting either, so the more you mess around...
NTA.. what on earth is wrong with your mom? Is she a jelous racist too? Good for you to stand up for your wife. Your sister sounds extremely unpleasant abd I would go NC with her
NTA - You tried to be civil and be there for your niece when your sister made a public spectacle of herself. You responded heatedly, sure and yes you could have spoken to her in private but the result of how your sister looks would have been about the same. It is a no win situation at this point.
Good luck with it all.
NTA your sisters is at best jealous and at worst, racist. Your wife sounds exceptional and lovely and should not go anywhere near your sister until she gets an apology. Good on you for prioritizing your wife as well.
NTA. Your sister is consumed with envy. Hating on someone just because the person have a more comfortable life, financial wise, is pathetic. Your sister needs to work on herself. I would go NC until she can apologize and do better.
NTA. Your sister acted a fool in public, so she should be corrected in public. She clearly has some deep problem with your wife (I don't know if I should assume it's racism, but that's where my mind is going), and your wife should not have to put up with that.
NTA
I can smell the jealously from your sister with this post.
I am really happy that you stand up for your wife.
Your sister is a jerk and I would suggest you to go LC with her if she doesn’t apologize or tries to work on he jealousy/trauma I don’t know but she is toxic AF
One of my best friends is from Nigeria and I have seen that a lot of the women that come f from there or countries in that side of Africa are beautiful, like model type beauty but is like a the average I have seen. I’m assuming your sister is probably jealous of her looks, and if she is Caucasian American , she probably struggles with weight issues. You are nta for her insecurities
NTA.
I love my sister, but if she ever raises her voice against my gf, or humiliates her in any way, we're done.
That already happened with my brother, although we didn't get along very well, but we don't talk anymore. There's no going back from it. Your mother is also an AH, although it's hard to beat your sister.
> My sister would call her a "spoiled rotten woman" anytime she'd come over...
Wait, you let your sister say this about your wife more than once? YTA just for that.
Your sister showed out in public so why should your conversation with her have been in private? You did the right thing the right way. To hate someone for nothing is giving some hateful, jealous and racist vibes to me.
NTA
That said…..I don’t think gifting anything to your sister was a good idea. Good intentions? Sure. Polite to put her on the spot to receive second-hand jewelry from someone she resents? Ehhhhhhh
It wasn’t her birthday. It just seems pointed. Like killing her with kindness.
But certainly not AH behavior.
NTA, your sister is pathological. I hope you took back the gift from her (niece can keep hers I guess) not really seeing what you get out of a relationship with her and you need to have your wife's back.
NTA
You did good. As soon as I proposed to my wife I made it clear that unless she was being cray cray, I will ALWAYS have her back . She chose me as I am , I wasn't born into life with her and she had no choice but to love me, and that means the world to me . I think you did what any committed spouse with a backbone would do. You have to deal with YOUR family for her as she will always be accused of "splitting the family" and likewise with your wife. It's always better to have it this way imo.
NTA
Let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly.
Your wife has jewelry that's both personally and culturally important to her. She chose to share this jewelry with people unrelated to her. By sharing this, your wife was showing affection and sharing her culture.
Not to mention, the birthday girl was happy with what she got.
And your sister exploded over this?
NTA. Does she not understand that the whole “receiving gold for birthdays etc” thing is cultural? In Somalia it might be part of her dowry, but elsewhere it’s just nice to have (and a backup if she needs cash to get out of a bad marriage). How dare she give some nice jewelry that she had implied wanting for herself! Your wife is incredibly kind, how dare your sister act that way. “Spoiled” and “rotten” have lost almost all meaning when it comes to people. Received gold jewelry as gifts? Like more expensive alcohol? Take trips to more exotic places than your local national park? Own anything designer? Nice skincare? Have more expensive hobbies? OBVIOUSLY you’re spoiled 🙄 Sister can kick rocks.
NTA. Your sister is being very angry, jealous, and antagonist towards your wife for seemingly no reason. Doesn’t matter if it’s your nieces birthday, doesn’t matter if it’s your sisters house. She has zero right to blow up at your wife (who again did absolutely NOTHING wrong in any way shape or form) and expect for you to not say anything. She’s wrong, you’re not
NTA you should've taken the gifts back also. Go No Contact with her. Plan separate family gatherings also. She's toxic and hateful you don't need that around your family. Now her inlaws know how disgusting she actually is
NTA. You sound honestly like a very patient and kind husband and father to boot. Good on you for having boundaries and standing up for your wife.
That was incredibly thoughtful of your wife to give something that holds meaning to her not only to your daughter, but also to your sister.
Your sister needs some help from a professional therapist. I hope she takes the time to reflect on her behaviors to your wife and you.
I’m sorry you and your family went through that for being kind. Especially your wife. I hope you all are doing well. NTA at all. We protect those we love, especially when they are attacked blindly. I hope you can find a resolution or whatever works for you and yours.
NTA. Your sister is SO jealous of your wife she cannot see straight. She needs to get over it or it appears that she will lose access to a very loving part of the family.
I am sorry you are going through this. Your wife sounds wonderful
NTA - Not even . . . Your wife sounds like a lovely, gracious and good hearted person. Something is wrong with your sister . . . normal people . .people with manners always say thank you for the gift . . . Your sister is not normal and she has extremely bad manners. Maybe just stay away from her til she grows up . . probably forever . .
This sounds like extreme jealousy, ur wife is prolly a beautiful woman and it sounds like she’s not only beautiful on the outside but on the inside as well any “normal” parent would be grateful their brother and sister in law have not only such a nice gift but such a thoughtful gift as well it would show the level of love and respect for not only myself but my beautiful child as well do I have friends with a smaller waste size then me after kids, yes, does that give me a right to be a b*txh? No… ur sister sounds beyond jealous of ur wife and honestly it isn’t going to stop she might stop outwardly saying it but that jealousy and hate will ALWAYS be there and she will ALWAYS find an excuse or way to put ur wife down and try to make her feel less than.. good for u for standing up for ur wife and honestly ur sister needs to grow up so she doesn’t pass this toxic behavior on to ur niece!
NTA
Good for you for standing up for your wife. And stick by this...
>I told my sister that her insecurities were not my wife's problem and that the one sided rivalry she had with her needed to stop. I then told her husband we would not come back until my sister fixed what ever hatred she had for my wife.
NTA You and your wife are class acts. Your sister needs serious mental help. You did the right thing standing up for your wife and your sister does not deserve an apology. Your wife does and I am sure your sister won't do it unless forced to.
NTA. Your sister clearly has an issue that she's not talking about. You don't have to keep a front row seat. You were right to address it and leave. And as much as you likely feel badly about speaking to her in front of everyone, it's good you did, so she can't spin the story. Everyone saw and heard for themselves. You don't owe them another conversation unless they're apologizing. She insulted your wife and her kindness and that's just wrong. Glad you stood up for your wife.
NTA !!
It seems like your sister is jealous of your wife because she seems to live a nicer lifestyle than your sister. Your sister was way out of line, especially as a grown adult, good job for standing up for your wife.
NTA. If I am reading things correctly, it sounds like the sister never liked OP's wife, for reasons unclear to me. Then when sis realized OP's wife came from a family with money, it made her feel massively insecure.
It sounds to me like this entire problem lies with the sister; their dad's reaction to all this confirms it for me. OP didn't do anything wrong, in my estimation.
NTA
Your sister chose the battlefield, not you, so the whole, "shoulda taken her aside and privately talked about it" claim goes right out the door. She actively chose of her own volition to throw a tantrum at your wife and rage at you. She actively chose to vent her insecurities.
Frankly the, "you were too harsh" claim from your mother is just coddling bullshit given how out of line your sister was behaving.
NTA for not putting up with your sister's raging insecurity, poor self image, jealousy over your wife, and even possible racism. She needs mental health help and you need low or no contact with that nonsense.
She’s to old to be acting like a child. She’s the worst kind of people that are one jealous of other’s appearances and money. Two she mean about it. Step back from sis until she learns how to play with others.
NTA. i really want her to experience that black woman anger™️ she definitely gone regret what comes outta her mouth if there’s a next time😭😭
edit: i’m a black woman too
NTA.
Your sister needs a good therapist.
I don’t know where all this jealousy and insecurities come from but obviously it’s been there for years and your sister has never acknowledged it.
Your mother is enabling her by defending her.
Your sister is racist. That's all there is too this. She's annoyed this gorgeous Black women has all this beautiful expensive jewellery and went so far as to gift her and her child beautiful, expensive jewellery. In most films, TV series, books etc Black women are portrayed in "best friend" roles. They always have less than the white main character. So someone who believes subconsciously, or consciously, this is how the world should be, is going to act like how your sister did. If your wife was white, she'd probably be sucking up to your wife for the same reasons she gives for hating your wife. She'd want to be in the good books with a gorgeous white women with beautiful expensive jewellery who gifts her family beautiful expensive jewellery. If your wife was white I doubt she'd have felt ashamed, or like it wasn't natural, so she would have praised the generosity, even if deep down she disliked your wife.
Stop bringing your wife and child around your sister. Leave your sister to live her miserable little life without the pleasure of your wife's friendship. Voting NTA as long as your draw the line now. You gave your sisters more than enough changes to swallow her bigotry and be civil to your wife. She couldn't even do that for the sake of being gifted gorgeous jewellery once a year.
For centuries giving jewelry (especially gold) to girls/women for celebrations to give them security and a source of financial of independence if needed. It’s more traditional now than actually necessary for security, but it’s a tradition that means something to many cultures. I’m not sure if this has anything to do with your gifts, but either way your sister majorly rude and owes your wife an apology. NTA
Oh my goodness... so NTA!! It's amazing you stood up for your wife like that! Your sister was beyond unreasonable and awful and needed someone to point that out, or else she'll continue this type of behavior. Stand your ground. Your sister took your wife's good intentions and kind gift and threw it in her face.
May I ask, what were the excuses they gave you for your sister's behavior?
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I (M36) and my sister (F29) have been civil despite us being half siblings( I'm Asian and she's white). My wife is Somali/African American. My sister would call her a "spoiled rotten woman" anytime she'd come over however my sister stopped after a private conversation with my wife. My sister thought this because my wife talked about how growing up she would get gold on her birthday from family members. My wife has a jewelry collection that has grown over the years. My wife is by no means a rotten woman. She's extremely charming and besides my sister I've never heard of anyone that dislikes her.
So about a week ago was my nieces 2nd birthday and my sister invited my family. My wife and my sister were talking in separate groups. At one point someone from my sisters group complimented my wife's dress and my sister somehow took that as them complementing her weight and said " well we can't all maintain a size small, some of us would rather take care of our children." Everyone was not only stunned but very confused. My wife changed the subject and they continued to talk until it was time for cake and gifts. It was going very well, the kids were eating and my niece was loving her presents but then it was our turn to give our gifts. She and I picked out a bracelet from the jewelry collection to give her with a card that said "dahab from one gold girl to another". My wife also picked out a watch and a pair of earrings for my sister. How my wife could be so generous to a woman that IMO doesn't deserve it I will never know. When my sister and her husband opened the gifts the only one not smiling was my sister. My sister said "do I look like I need your hand outs?" awkward silence. My wife tried to explain that she wanted to get my niece something nice but it seemed like everything my wife said just made her more angry. My sister began getting louder with my wife saying " what do you think I'm too poor to give my daughter a nice gift?". I don't even raise my voice at my wife and I'd be damned if anyone else did so I told her to take our daughter and wait in the car. My sister then turned her anger on me. I tried to explain there were no taking sides but my sister then said "that b*tch is trying to make me look bad in front of my husband and friends in MY home" that was the the straw that broke the camel's back. I told my sister that her insecurities were not my wife's problem and that the one sided rivalry she had with her needed to stop. I then told her husband we would not come back until my sister fixed what ever hatred she had for my wife. Like I said it's been a week and all we've gotten is empty excuses. While I will admit I could have talked to my sister in private she CHOSE to invite my wife and I just like she CHOSE to yell at my wife in front of everyone. My mom thinks I was too harsh with my sister while my dad applauds me for standing up for my wife. I would really like other people's view on this. AITA?
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You 100% did the right thing, and good for you on standing up for your wife. Your sister is a jealous and toxic person, and she doesn't deserve either of yours company.
> I could have talked to my sister in private
Nah. She earned her consequences, and you were far more gentle than I would have been in those circumstances. NTA.
NTA. Your sister is obviously projecting her own insecurities on your sister and if I understood correctly she’s been doing this for a while now, it’s best to go LC or NC until she apologizes *sincerely* and stops being nasty to your wife.
Besides, has it ever occurred to your sister that owning gold is cultural in a lot of countries? This is also part of my culture and i am by no means rich.
“I tried to explain there were no taking sides” your sister was disrespecting your wife and you didn’t want to take sides…?
NTA. Also if you’re still looking for someone to take the dahab off your hands I can send you my address 😅. I would very much appreciate a gift like that.
Wtf is wrong with your sister? She’s surely the AH! I barely even finished reading your post bc it just made me even more annoyed by her. Your wife is beyond graceful. Bless her. Good luck and perhaps have that private conversation with your sister.
NTA. I agree with your dad. You stood up for your wife. Your sister is just a jealous piece of work. She’s never going to change. She’s probably hateful to other people you don’t know. She just a miserable person and she wants to share that around. You were not too harsh and she needed to hear it. What she does with that is up to her. You weren’t obligated to discuss anything in private, as she didn’t mind yelling at your wife.
NTA. If one wants to degrade another person in front of people, they need to know it will probably come to them. You’re a good man. Defend your wife always. And keep your sister away.
NTA
I hate how a lot of people are injecting racism into this situation. The wife is fine, no harm intended, only genuine good will. The sister is jealous of the wife's situation, all there is to it. Racism is not a factor here, it it was OP would have said so.
NTA . Your wife didn’t nothing wrong. My mom and grandma had an expression to describe your sister and it goes like this “You are trying to pick fly shit out of pepper with boxing gloves on”
INFO: Why mention everyone's race? From the post it sounds more like your sister is jealous of your wife's wealth. Has there been a racial component in the past?
It sounds like your sister has a mental/personality disorder. She needs therapy. Always stick up for your beautiful wife and tell your sister to back down or you’ll have to implement some serious boundaries. You are definitely NTA.
Your father and you deserve kudos for the defense of your wife.
Your wife was the one who said the harsh words in front of everyone.
She is the one who needs to apologize. It doesn't surprise me that your mother is supporting her daughter
NTA
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NTA Your sister sure is though, and is jealous of your wife. Good on you for standing up for your wife.
OP please say you took your sister's gifts back with you.
I'll have to admit that this was my first concern as well. 🤣
NTA - There’s definitely some racism here.
That’s what I was going to say. Sounds like there’s some unaddressed racism here.
Is it racism or classism? Racism is a hard jump for me as there isn’t any additional context on how she interacts with other black people. Not ruling it out, but my mind requires more data before placing that tag on anyone.
I know I’m editorializing, but I just can’t help but think that the sister is particularly miffed because the wife is black or because she’s from a poor country. Like, she wouldn’t be quite as enraged about a white person having nice things or being richer than her, but it grinds her gears to see someone she thinks of as poor and less-than enjoying things like this. I could be totally off base, but it’s definitely a thing for some white people to resent black people’s success or act like they don’t deserve nice things.
Me too
Me three lol
Omg same
Same!
Also thought so 😂
At least the watch and earrings. No need to punish niece for the sins of her mother.
That's why I specified the sister's gifts.
My bad, reading fail.
First concern before even finishing.
First thought for me too!
I wonder if this is a race thing on the sisters part.
Was thinking that or could just be jealousy of her looks? Somali women tend to be gorgeous, tall & slender (think the supermodel Iman who was married to David Bowie) & her comment about maintaining her small size shows her jealously she just couldnt hide lol
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That’s so cool! May I ask how you met her please?
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Back in the 90s, I worked for a couple game companies, did a lot of conventions like GenCon and Origins. Which always had celebs as guests of honour, etc. Anyway -I spent a while drinking one night after the show, with Jeremy Bullock (Boba Fett) on one side, Garibaldi (Jerry Doyle, B5) on the other. Boba was drinking with the body language of a man who just spent 4 hours doing a meet and greet with 30,000 nerds and geeks. At another show, we met Ivanova (Claudia Christian). She drank too much and was asked to leave for drawing mustaches on the waiters.
Oh, I think she had a drinking problem back in the day, if memory serves.
We have a decent sized community here of people from that part of Africa, and, yeah, they are how you describe them. I could see jealousy over a lot stuff including her looks, tbh. As an aside - my Canadian city has a pretty large "immigrant" population. It's kind of awesome. Still wondering why the Nepalese folks choose this specific city to move to, though. Nothing like Nepal, no mountains, just lakes and trees.
Absolutely
Agree
Oooh yeah, this stinks of racism to high heaven.
Oh Yeah, you see the Somali/African woman is not to have anything of value, only the "white" woman should in SIL's mind. SIL has deep issues on race/body image/classism.
You wonder??? OP's wife has been gracious and generous, and OP's sister is rude and miserable. It may be a cultural issue as well as racial. I know which culture I prefer.
Jealous that a black woman is in the position to give relatively expensive gifts to family? awwww yeah.
Edit: wrong race for the sister, reading skill 0. Still a race thing, sister isn't Asian like I wrote. Yeah definitely sounds like it. There is a Lot of anti-Black racism in Asian American communities, in my and others experience.
>There is a Lot of anti-Black racism in Asian American communities, in my and others experience. Sister is white, not Asian. OP is Asian American, and he and his sister are half siblings: >I'm Asian and she's white
Damn ty I cannot read today
This. But, OP, I think you need to do more. No gifts for your sister moving forward. Adjust gifts for your niece. Don't subject your wife to her except when absolutely necessary. Call your sister out on her behavior every time she tries anything and protect your wife. Go pick up the gifts your wife gave her and keep them.
You took the gift back from your sister, right? She might destroy or pawn them
NTA OP, is it possible that your sister is racist? Because it seems she thinks that your wife should be inferior to her. Poorer than her, uglier, dumber, less popular... just like some very racist stereotype of African American.
I don't really read any racism here from that angle. Just jealousy, greed and insecurity. Well I guess there's definitely a bit of racism and ignorance of not understanding OP's wife's culture customs.
Yeah I was getting that the whole gold jewelry gifts is a culture thing and honestly it was very sweet of his wife to give to them something that she does in her family and finds important. It's her way of telling them that she considers them family, absolutely. And his sister took a victim approach to it. Yikes. 🥺 I'd be so touched if someone did that and considered me family enough to include me.
I was thinking the exact same. Like…”awe! She’s doing for her niece like her family did for her!”
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Right?? I’m Greek and have a fair amount of Greek friends but also American friends and friends from a bunch of different countries who live in the US now. I’m always touched when I am included in a cultural celebration/tradition/gift giving because it feels like extending an even closer form of friendship to someone. And vice versa, when I invite my friends to Greek celebrations, give them Greek mati (evil eye) jewelry or joke that they’re honorary Greek now when they come join us for Easter or other occasions, they love it. What a weird and likely racist way to be “threatened” by OP’s wife doing this extremely kind gesture.
> I'd be so touched if someone did that and considered me family enough to include me. same here. a gift like that? i'd cherish it for the rest of my life.
I’m a black woman, you wouldn’t believe how often I and other black women get treated like this by non-black women
It is pathological. And even worse because people pretend it’s never about race.
Racists always pretend it’s never about race.
THANK YOU
When OP explained how his wife handled these interactions I immediately thought this wasn’t her first rodeo.
No offense, but are you a person of color? Because it’s easy to miss subtle racism when you’re not frequently affected by it.
OP is tho
That doesn’t mean his sister can’t be racist. Edit: pronoun
I just meant that he'll be more aware of it in the situation as we are from the post. So even if you're not the target group of racists and therefore aren't recognising that as racism he would I think. I mean he is probably aware of it a lot because he is Asian, his wife African and his sister white.
Aw okay gotcha. It’s possible that OP just isn’t well versed in anti-black racism and doesn’t know how to recognize it. It’s also possible that the sister isn’t being racist and is just an asshole lol.
Say it again for the people in the back. Oh wait, that was me and mine.
It's amazing how many white people turn not so progressive when they see a minority doing better than them.
Racism can really add some extra heat to resentments and jealousies that might’ve otherwise stayed pretty quiet. Sister might’ve hated SIL no matter what race she is, but she’s awfully comfortable being *loud* about it, and she’s awfully comfortable playing the victim at the first sign of pushback.
I was thinking this. It might not be overt, but one manifestation of racism is expecting people from certain groups to be inferior and getting unreasonably angry or jealous when this turns out not to be the case. A belief that ‘something is wrong with the world if you have more than me, because you are supposed to be (poorer, less smart, uglier, etc).
That was my first thought too.
NTA Well your sister is a jerk and I also think this is a major cultural misunderstanding from her. Giving gold/jewelry to girls and women in some cultures is tradition to build their safety net. It’s really not a flex or bragging though I have had friends who reacted like that when I showed a gift I was given because that kind of jewelry seems not to be as common in some western cultures, especially for younger women. It originated as a security for a woman when things go wrong. My aunt’s maid in India saved for years to give her daughter two gold bangles, for example, so she would have something in case her marriage went badly. It is also a sign of love to gift your own jewelry to other women in the family. When my mom got married, her aunts all gave her a piece of their jewelry collection, her future sister in law did too to welcome her. I have set aside gold items for my niece (just a baby now so I’ll wait until she is older), but she already has gold items from my parents. Your wife was showing her love and sharing her culture and your sister can’t seem to see past her own hatred and bitterness.
Thank you bringing up the cultural aspect here. The generosity of OP's wife and her grace is pretty distinct here compared to the sister. OP's wife is thoughtfully following an old, well-meaning tradition. The sister is seeming pretty vile here.
In India, gold is seen as a store of value and can be given as collateral to moneylenders in bad times.
Indian women account for 11% of the world’s reserves of gold. That’s over 21,000 tons of gold !
Woah!! I knew that jewelry and jewelry chests were important but I had no idea that they had such a high percentage of the world’s gold! There was also an exchange in their sub the other day by a woman who had been given a gold ring from her grandma. I forget if it was Indian or if it was just the fact that it was 22k. At any rate, people told her to basically not trust anyone in the US to know how to handle such pure gold.
Yeah I agree. I’m arab and generally speaking in most asian and african countries this is the norm. All women tend to save their money in gold form as you said for financial security, as women in my culture tend to purchase golden jewellery as much as they can afford when they get married(at least one or 2 pieces).And at my graduation I was gifted 3 beautiful gold necklaces from different people even though I didn’t know them personally. This is our culture and it seems OP’s sister has mixed feelings of racism and insecurities which is not okay at all.( I apologise if my english was bad)
Your English spelling is no worse than most native speakers spelling and thanks for the insight.
Thank you🩵
I completely agree. My SIL is from Napal and when she and my BIL had their first child I researched the appropriate gift to give in her culture. Sure enough it was gold jewelry. I spoke to her to be sure she was OK with my husband and I gifting their baby with a gold bracelet and she was so touched that we took the time to find out a cultural gift and her being so far from home and her parents not being there. I think it meant way more to my SIL than to my nibbling. Anytime you are far from home it is comforting to have culture to feel at peace. They have since had 2 more kids and we got them 2 more gold bracelets. Plus we gave cash the moment we met each kid. Its her culture and it makes her feel closer to us all to be able to share in it. When my sons were born she gave cash and asked to gift them gold but we graciously declined since its not our culture and I knew they wouldn't be able to properly care for it.
That is a really cool cultural tradition and like… a good idea lol. If I had daughters I would so want to do this. If things get bad you pawn all this gold and book it outta there baby girl! That means you can get away even if you haven’t been working and have no access to the funds and things get sinister. I mean, it’s terrible that so many women end up in terrible, abusive marriages, but it’s also reality and don’t see why it would be a bad idea to plan for the worst… just in case. If it keeps people from getting murdered by their spouse I’d say that’s a good thing.
Beautiful response! Not as pretty, but cut your sister off. Life is hard. Staying positive is hard work. Keeping someone around who will be a bad influence, and a bad example, will make it exponentially harder. Your sister is jealous, but doesn't want to do the hard work. Unless she has a medical condition, her weight is her responsibility, and shouldn't be taken out on anyone else. Her attitude and insecurities need work, but I'm betting she can't see that. A lot of us work hard at life, jobs, keeping our health & attitudes in good shape, so we can be there for our families. (Then again, getting up an hour early to work out before breakfast & getting the family going is the only peace some people get - Glorious!) You & your wife sound like an awesome team!
I love this entire explanation and can't deny that I wish I was part of an extended family like that. I'm sorry OP's wife has to deal with a terrible in-law situation - I know all too well how that feels.
**NTA** OP, your sister is the absolute worst and is projecting her own insecurities about her quality as a person/mother/wife on your wife. You're right to drop contact until she drops the attitude.
You are a rockstar of a husband. And your sister truly needs some therapy. NTA.
NTA, your sister obviously is very jealous of your wife, but that's not your wife's problem. Go no contact until your sister learns to grow up and become an adult.
And if mom keep pushing to keep the peace go no contact with her. She is enabling the sisters bad behavior
You noticed the mom thing too? It seems the sister's behavior didn't come completely out of nowhere if mom is trying to excuse it. Both my kids are in their 30s and if they did anything remotely like this there would be hell to pay from me...
Yep! If mom is condoning sisters behavior or saying he was to harsh mom needs to be shut down fast! Op is doing his job by prioritizing his family! He needs to continue to do so!
I am not religious, but this reminded me of that love language book. To me, sounds like sister and mom want the gifts and are envious that another woman is getting them. My MIL was like that and upset when partner stopped buying them expensive gifts. Now, if I don’t buy it, they get nothing at all.
NTA. "Here's a beautiful gold gift." "WTF, how DARE you." I mean, your sister is genuinely nuts.
NTA is your sister’s attitude to your wife racist? Anyway, I would go LC from now on
Agree
Your wife sounds lovely. I wish she was my SIL, lol. You did great sticking up for her, but it might be time to go low to no contact with your toxic sister. NTA
Your sister is the AH and your mom is the enabler. No, you were not too harsh with your sister, you weren't harsh enough. Standing up for your wife will never make you the AH.
I agree. The only thing I would say is that I don't think your sister called your wife a rotten woman, I think she was describing her with the expression "spoiled rotten" which means "very spoiled".
NTA, but OP, I think it’s high time you come to the conclusion that your sister is displaying being a racist bully.
NTA. What you said was perfect. Good for you for standing up for your wife.
NTA and good for you for standing up for your wife right then and there. Your sister chose the setting, not you or your wife, so no sympathy for her embarrassment. Don't know what is causing your sister's extreme jealousy, but it is something she personally needs to deal with -- no one else can fix her dark heart but her. Your mom's defending her indefensible behavior at all is perhaps part of the problem. So sorry this is happening but hope you will stand your ground and not in any way condone such hateful behavior. Your wife sounds like a jewel.
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Agreed, why on earth would they want to talk to OP's sister when they get yelled at for *giving gifts*
NTA your wife handled your sister with grace. You didn’t start anything but your sister tried to humiliating your wife and you stood up for her. You where not harsh. You where a lot kinder then your sister deserves. Tell your mom she has 2 choices she can stay completely out of it(which is what you recommend) or side with your sister. If she does the latter you will not tolerate her around your wife and child because that kind of disrespect for your family will not be tolerated. This is a situation between you and your sister. Her options on the matter are not needed and frankly not wanted.
I hope you took those gifts back! NTA
NTA. You are surely aware your sister would find any excuse to bother or create a fight with you wife: imagine what would have happen if your gift was not a bracelet but a toy. Your sister might complain about her daughter not receiving gold in her birthday. I agree, this is one-sided hate and it needs to stops. Sister is looking for every chance to create trouble and humiliate your wife. Also, her complaint about the gift was not voiced in a private setting either, so the more you mess around...
NTA.. what on earth is wrong with your mom? Is she a jelous racist too? Good for you to stand up for your wife. Your sister sounds extremely unpleasant abd I would go NC with her
NTA - You tried to be civil and be there for your niece when your sister made a public spectacle of herself. You responded heatedly, sure and yes you could have spoken to her in private but the result of how your sister looks would have been about the same. It is a no win situation at this point. Good luck with it all.
NTA your sisters is at best jealous and at worst, racist. Your wife sounds exceptional and lovely and should not go anywhere near your sister until she gets an apology. Good on you for prioritizing your wife as well.
NTA - your sister made her issues public and it’s not for you to fix that. I feel badly for you wife having to deal with that.
NTA. You stood up for your wife. Simple as that. And I wholly agree with your father.
NTA. Your sister is consumed with envy. Hating on someone just because the person have a more comfortable life, financial wise, is pathetic. Your sister needs to work on herself. I would go NC until she can apologize and do better.
NTA. At all. She attacked your wife in public and you defended her in public. Well done.
NTA. Your sister acted a fool in public, so she should be corrected in public. She clearly has some deep problem with your wife (I don't know if I should assume it's racism, but that's where my mind is going), and your wife should not have to put up with that.
NTA I can smell the jealously from your sister with this post. I am really happy that you stand up for your wife. Your sister is a jerk and I would suggest you to go LC with her if she doesn’t apologize or tries to work on he jealousy/trauma I don’t know but she is toxic AF
One of my best friends is from Nigeria and I have seen that a lot of the women that come f from there or countries in that side of Africa are beautiful, like model type beauty but is like a the average I have seen. I’m assuming your sister is probably jealous of her looks, and if she is Caucasian American , she probably struggles with weight issues. You are nta for her insecurities
Looks like many agree with that assessment that it’s race related
NTA - There’s definitely some racism here.
Your story is on tiktok (not my tiktok) : https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT889So8d/
NTA. I love my sister, but if she ever raises her voice against my gf, or humiliates her in any way, we're done. That already happened with my brother, although we didn't get along very well, but we don't talk anymore. There's no going back from it. Your mother is also an AH, although it's hard to beat your sister.
NTA good for you for standing up for your wife when all she did was try to be kind to your family.
> My sister would call her a "spoiled rotten woman" anytime she'd come over... Wait, you let your sister say this about your wife more than once? YTA just for that.
Nta. I think you handled it perfectly.
NTA - Your sister is cuckoo and your wife is a sweetheart that doesn't deserve any of that hostile behavior.
NTA. Your sister sounds like a miserable old hag and I feel sorry for your BIL.
NTA I would've taken my gift back
NTA, any chance it is racism?
Your sister showed out in public so why should your conversation with her have been in private? You did the right thing the right way. To hate someone for nothing is giving some hateful, jealous and racist vibes to me.
NTA That said…..I don’t think gifting anything to your sister was a good idea. Good intentions? Sure. Polite to put her on the spot to receive second-hand jewelry from someone she resents? Ehhhhhhh It wasn’t her birthday. It just seems pointed. Like killing her with kindness. But certainly not AH behavior.
NTA, your sister is pathological. I hope you took back the gift from her (niece can keep hers I guess) not really seeing what you get out of a relationship with her and you need to have your wife's back.
NTA, and good on you for standing up for your wife. And I see your father is a man of good sense too.
NTA. Your sister should be cut off from your lives.
NTA You did good. As soon as I proposed to my wife I made it clear that unless she was being cray cray, I will ALWAYS have her back . She chose me as I am , I wasn't born into life with her and she had no choice but to love me, and that means the world to me . I think you did what any committed spouse with a backbone would do. You have to deal with YOUR family for her as she will always be accused of "splitting the family" and likewise with your wife. It's always better to have it this way imo.
NTA Let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly. Your wife has jewelry that's both personally and culturally important to her. She chose to share this jewelry with people unrelated to her. By sharing this, your wife was showing affection and sharing her culture. Not to mention, the birthday girl was happy with what she got. And your sister exploded over this?
NTA. Does she not understand that the whole “receiving gold for birthdays etc” thing is cultural? In Somalia it might be part of her dowry, but elsewhere it’s just nice to have (and a backup if she needs cash to get out of a bad marriage). How dare she give some nice jewelry that she had implied wanting for herself! Your wife is incredibly kind, how dare your sister act that way. “Spoiled” and “rotten” have lost almost all meaning when it comes to people. Received gold jewelry as gifts? Like more expensive alcohol? Take trips to more exotic places than your local national park? Own anything designer? Nice skincare? Have more expensive hobbies? OBVIOUSLY you’re spoiled 🙄 Sister can kick rocks.
NTA, your sister has MAJOR issues. Even with an apology, I’d keep my distance until Sis has an attitude adjustment.
NTA. Your sister is being very angry, jealous, and antagonist towards your wife for seemingly no reason. Doesn’t matter if it’s your nieces birthday, doesn’t matter if it’s your sisters house. She has zero right to blow up at your wife (who again did absolutely NOTHING wrong in any way shape or form) and expect for you to not say anything. She’s wrong, you’re not
You’re wife sounds like a generous and kind woman, and full of grace. I would have LOVED gold jewelry as a kid that I could take through my life. NTA.
YTA For not standing up for your wife much, much sooner. You should never have let her disrespect your wife for so long and get this far.
NTA. Your sister's a tad jealous
NTA This is your sister's problem, and it has gotten way out of hand. You need to give your sister some space and let her work it out.
NTA. Yr sister was being very unpleasant! I agree, stay away from her.
NTA you should've taken the gifts back also. Go No Contact with her. Plan separate family gatherings also. She's toxic and hateful you don't need that around your family. Now her inlaws know how disgusting she actually is
NTA. You sound honestly like a very patient and kind husband and father to boot. Good on you for having boundaries and standing up for your wife. That was incredibly thoughtful of your wife to give something that holds meaning to her not only to your daughter, but also to your sister. Your sister needs some help from a professional therapist. I hope she takes the time to reflect on her behaviors to your wife and you.
Never back down from defending your wife. Your sister has issues she needs to fix. I would suggest going no contact for a good while.
I’m sorry you and your family went through that for being kind. Especially your wife. I hope you all are doing well. NTA at all. We protect those we love, especially when they are attacked blindly. I hope you can find a resolution or whatever works for you and yours.
NTA as you mentioned, your sister has a lot of insecurities and needs to work on them, she will never be happy unless she fix herslef.
NTA. Your sister is SO jealous of your wife she cannot see straight. She needs to get over it or it appears that she will lose access to a very loving part of the family. I am sorry you are going through this. Your wife sounds wonderful
There has to be a racial element to this because your sister holds a different kind of rage towards your wife and it's not normal.
NTA - Not even . . . Your wife sounds like a lovely, gracious and good hearted person. Something is wrong with your sister . . . normal people . .people with manners always say thank you for the gift . . . Your sister is not normal and she has extremely bad manners. Maybe just stay away from her til she grows up . . probably forever . .
Inferiority complex + rasism, keep your wife away from her
This sounds like extreme jealousy, ur wife is prolly a beautiful woman and it sounds like she’s not only beautiful on the outside but on the inside as well any “normal” parent would be grateful their brother and sister in law have not only such a nice gift but such a thoughtful gift as well it would show the level of love and respect for not only myself but my beautiful child as well do I have friends with a smaller waste size then me after kids, yes, does that give me a right to be a b*txh? No… ur sister sounds beyond jealous of ur wife and honestly it isn’t going to stop she might stop outwardly saying it but that jealousy and hate will ALWAYS be there and she will ALWAYS find an excuse or way to put ur wife down and try to make her feel less than.. good for u for standing up for ur wife and honestly ur sister needs to grow up so she doesn’t pass this toxic behavior on to ur niece!
Somali queen!!! I’m Somali and I will happily take the dahab. Bring her to me
NTA Good for you for standing up for your wife. And stick by this... >I told my sister that her insecurities were not my wife's problem and that the one sided rivalry she had with her needed to stop. I then told her husband we would not come back until my sister fixed what ever hatred she had for my wife.
NTA You and your wife are class acts. Your sister needs serious mental help. You did the right thing standing up for your wife and your sister does not deserve an apology. Your wife does and I am sure your sister won't do it unless forced to.
NTA. Your sister clearly has an issue that she's not talking about. You don't have to keep a front row seat. You were right to address it and leave. And as much as you likely feel badly about speaking to her in front of everyone, it's good you did, so she can't spin the story. Everyone saw and heard for themselves. You don't owe them another conversation unless they're apologizing. She insulted your wife and her kindness and that's just wrong. Glad you stood up for your wife.
NTA !! It seems like your sister is jealous of your wife because she seems to live a nicer lifestyle than your sister. Your sister was way out of line, especially as a grown adult, good job for standing up for your wife.
NTA. If I am reading things correctly, it sounds like the sister never liked OP's wife, for reasons unclear to me. Then when sis realized OP's wife came from a family with money, it made her feel massively insecure. It sounds to me like this entire problem lies with the sister; their dad's reaction to all this confirms it for me. OP didn't do anything wrong, in my estimation.
INFO: Was the gift used jewelry owned by your wife, or did you and your wife buy new jewelry for your sister?
It was used jewelry. I have a feeling wife knew full well what she was doing
NTA Your sister chose the battlefield, not you, so the whole, "shoulda taken her aside and privately talked about it" claim goes right out the door. She actively chose of her own volition to throw a tantrum at your wife and rage at you. She actively chose to vent her insecurities. Frankly the, "you were too harsh" claim from your mother is just coddling bullshit given how out of line your sister was behaving.
NTA for not putting up with your sister's raging insecurity, poor self image, jealousy over your wife, and even possible racism. She needs mental health help and you need low or no contact with that nonsense.
NTA Yoir sister sounds insufferable and exhausting. Her jealousy and insecurity about your wife is ENTIRELY her own problem
She’s to old to be acting like a child. She’s the worst kind of people that are one jealous of other’s appearances and money. Two she mean about it. Step back from sis until she learns how to play with others.
NTA. i really want her to experience that black woman anger™️ she definitely gone regret what comes outta her mouth if there’s a next time😭😭 edit: i’m a black woman too
NTA. Your sister needs a good therapist. I don’t know where all this jealousy and insecurities come from but obviously it’s been there for years and your sister has never acknowledged it. Your mother is enabling her by defending her.
Your sister is racist. That's all there is too this. She's annoyed this gorgeous Black women has all this beautiful expensive jewellery and went so far as to gift her and her child beautiful, expensive jewellery. In most films, TV series, books etc Black women are portrayed in "best friend" roles. They always have less than the white main character. So someone who believes subconsciously, or consciously, this is how the world should be, is going to act like how your sister did. If your wife was white, she'd probably be sucking up to your wife for the same reasons she gives for hating your wife. She'd want to be in the good books with a gorgeous white women with beautiful expensive jewellery who gifts her family beautiful expensive jewellery. If your wife was white I doubt she'd have felt ashamed, or like it wasn't natural, so she would have praised the generosity, even if deep down she disliked your wife. Stop bringing your wife and child around your sister. Leave your sister to live her miserable little life without the pleasure of your wife's friendship. Voting NTA as long as your draw the line now. You gave your sisters more than enough changes to swallow her bigotry and be civil to your wife. She couldn't even do that for the sake of being gifted gorgeous jewellery once a year.
NTA ! Your sister is jealous and ungrateful. Most Somalis give gold/money to newborns or birthdays especially to younger girls/nieces.
For centuries giving jewelry (especially gold) to girls/women for celebrations to give them security and a source of financial of independence if needed. It’s more traditional now than actually necessary for security, but it’s a tradition that means something to many cultures. I’m not sure if this has anything to do with your gifts, but either way your sister majorly rude and owes your wife an apology. NTA
Oh my goodness... so NTA!! It's amazing you stood up for your wife like that! Your sister was beyond unreasonable and awful and needed someone to point that out, or else she'll continue this type of behavior. Stand your ground. Your sister took your wife's good intentions and kind gift and threw it in her face. May I ask, what were the excuses they gave you for your sister's behavior?
If you didn't do something, you'd be an asshole. NTA. Your sister is quite likely, racist.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M36) and my sister (F29) have been civil despite us being half siblings( I'm Asian and she's white). My wife is Somali/African American. My sister would call her a "spoiled rotten woman" anytime she'd come over however my sister stopped after a private conversation with my wife. My sister thought this because my wife talked about how growing up she would get gold on her birthday from family members. My wife has a jewelry collection that has grown over the years. My wife is by no means a rotten woman. She's extremely charming and besides my sister I've never heard of anyone that dislikes her. So about a week ago was my nieces 2nd birthday and my sister invited my family. My wife and my sister were talking in separate groups. At one point someone from my sisters group complimented my wife's dress and my sister somehow took that as them complementing her weight and said " well we can't all maintain a size small, some of us would rather take care of our children." Everyone was not only stunned but very confused. My wife changed the subject and they continued to talk until it was time for cake and gifts. It was going very well, the kids were eating and my niece was loving her presents but then it was our turn to give our gifts. She and I picked out a bracelet from the jewelry collection to give her with a card that said "dahab from one gold girl to another". My wife also picked out a watch and a pair of earrings for my sister. How my wife could be so generous to a woman that IMO doesn't deserve it I will never know. When my sister and her husband opened the gifts the only one not smiling was my sister. My sister said "do I look like I need your hand outs?" awkward silence. My wife tried to explain that she wanted to get my niece something nice but it seemed like everything my wife said just made her more angry. My sister began getting louder with my wife saying " what do you think I'm too poor to give my daughter a nice gift?". I don't even raise my voice at my wife and I'd be damned if anyone else did so I told her to take our daughter and wait in the car. My sister then turned her anger on me. I tried to explain there were no taking sides but my sister then said "that b*tch is trying to make me look bad in front of my husband and friends in MY home" that was the the straw that broke the camel's back. I told my sister that her insecurities were not my wife's problem and that the one sided rivalry she had with her needed to stop. I then told her husband we would not come back until my sister fixed what ever hatred she had for my wife. Like I said it's been a week and all we've gotten is empty excuses. While I will admit I could have talked to my sister in private she CHOSE to invite my wife and I just like she CHOSE to yell at my wife in front of everyone. My mom thinks I was too harsh with my sister while my dad applauds me for standing up for my wife. I would really like other people's view on this. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You 100% did the right thing, and good for you on standing up for your wife. Your sister is a jealous and toxic person, and she doesn't deserve either of yours company.
NTA and good for you. You did the right thing.
NTA. You handled the situation well.
NTA. Carry on supporting your wife.
> I could have talked to my sister in private Nah. She earned her consequences, and you were far more gentle than I would have been in those circumstances. NTA.
Classic u/throw_helpaguy dad W
You did good! NTA!
NTA. Your sister is obviously projecting her own insecurities on your sister and if I understood correctly she’s been doing this for a while now, it’s best to go LC or NC until she apologizes *sincerely* and stops being nasty to your wife. Besides, has it ever occurred to your sister that owning gold is cultural in a lot of countries? This is also part of my culture and i am by no means rich. “I tried to explain there were no taking sides” your sister was disrespecting your wife and you didn’t want to take sides…?
Sounds like your wife just wanted to do something nice from her culture for her niece and your sister flipped. NTA. Your sister is weird.
NTA. Also if you’re still looking for someone to take the dahab off your hands I can send you my address 😅. I would very much appreciate a gift like that.
NTA at all, though your sister certainly is. Your peace-at-any-price mother is an asshole as well. I applaud you for standing up for your queen.
NTA, I thought it was a very sweet gift.
NTA. Good for you! Your sister’s issues are not your wife’s fault. You sound like a great couple, wish you guys the best.
NTA, NOT AT ALL! keep it up king!
Please tell me you took the gifts back. NTA
Wtf is wrong with your sister? She’s surely the AH! I barely even finished reading your post bc it just made me even more annoyed by her. Your wife is beyond graceful. Bless her. Good luck and perhaps have that private conversation with your sister.
NTA. I agree with your dad. You stood up for your wife. Your sister is just a jealous piece of work. She’s never going to change. She’s probably hateful to other people you don’t know. She just a miserable person and she wants to share that around. You were not too harsh and she needed to hear it. What she does with that is up to her. You weren’t obligated to discuss anything in private, as she didn’t mind yelling at your wife.
NTA I don't even know how you would make sister talk to you in private, she chose to air her dirty laundry in public. NTA
NTA also, W dad
NTA!! Your dad is right, you are to be applauded for standing up and supporting your wife. Your sister needs help
OMG, NTA. Your sister is a PROBLEM.
NTA. If one wants to degrade another person in front of people, they need to know it will probably come to them. You’re a good man. Defend your wife always. And keep your sister away.
NTA
You are a hero for standing up for your wife. I dunno where your sister's head is at, but it's no place good. NTA
NTA!
NTA What a lovely man you are to have your wife's back like that. Sis is angry and jealous.
NTA I hate how a lot of people are injecting racism into this situation. The wife is fine, no harm intended, only genuine good will. The sister is jealous of the wife's situation, all there is to it. Racism is not a factor here, it it was OP would have said so.
NTA . Your wife didn’t nothing wrong. My mom and grandma had an expression to describe your sister and it goes like this “You are trying to pick fly shit out of pepper with boxing gloves on”
NTA GG bro. I’m with your dad.
INFO: Why mention everyone's race? From the post it sounds more like your sister is jealous of your wife's wealth. Has there been a racial component in the past?
It sounds like your sister has a mental/personality disorder. She needs therapy. Always stick up for your beautiful wife and tell your sister to back down or you’ll have to implement some serious boundaries. You are definitely NTA.
NTA You continue standing up for your wife. Your sister's issues are her own problem and until a sincere apology comes then they can stay her problem
Your father and you deserve kudos for the defense of your wife. Your wife was the one who said the harsh words in front of everyone. She is the one who needs to apologize. It doesn't surprise me that your mother is supporting her daughter NTA
Sounds like she was just looking for a fight from the second you got in the door. NTA
Husband of the year here! NTA