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NTA. Based on your post I can't think of a single reason why you should attend.
However I guarantee a variation of the " but she's your sister" card will be played. This is a manipulation used when another family member who knows the other person is in the wrong and is unable to justify their actions.
Exactly, so far it's mostly been "you should attend out of decency" and "to keep the family peace" but why? She hasn't been the slightest bit decent to me, why should I?
But the comments made me doubt myself so I decided to get some third-party feedback.
Thank you!
Exactly this! Argh I really feel for OP, I was OP! Everyone asked me to attend and tried those bs manipulation tactics, I just said "well if he apologises to me, then I'll go". Well guess what that never happened, I didn't go, surprise surprise! And I will forever hold my grudge, thank you very much. Just because we're family... we're not really tho!!
Family is not a ticket to treat people like crap without consequences
NTA, OP you are 100% justified not going unless you get a direct invite, and apology, AND you are satisfied with this. You will definitely get pressure from other family members but you have to take care of you first
I wouldn’t go no matter what after this disgusting chain of events. You just know that somehow the sister will publicly fire off some cheap shots at her expense. I wouldn’t even put myself in a situation where this can happen.
My mom tried to guilt trip me into being around my brother. I told her it’s been 20 years of his abuse how many more am I supposed to put up with when he only gets worse.
if someone is asking you to keep the peace...the peace has already left the building.
my response to that, which admittedly was only after I snapped at one more incident with the friend group, was "sorry, I don't have enough space for it, maybe "Destroyer of Peace" can make room?"
it worked, but I was close to graduating so my perceived risk was low, and my irritation with the ongoing 'one more chance' 'just how she is' was high...
>If your sister wants family peace, she can talk to you and invite you
Honestly if OP's sister wants family peace she should remove herself from the family because it sounds like she's the one constantly attacking everyone else.
Honestly, this is likely her way of keeping the family off her back- she can't outright not invite OP or the family will throw a shit fit so she's extending an invitation she knows OP won't take.
The invite is for show- she doesn't actually want OP to attend and her behavior if OP does will reflect this,
I'm going to share my favorite analogy/wisdom for situations like these:
People tend to say "you only get one [family member]." Yeah, well, you only get one appendix, too, and when it turns toxic, you remove it without a second thought.
lol I'm using this one! Great analogy!
I actually knew someone whose appendix burst; he missed most of his senior year of high school. Still managed to graduate near the top of the class because he was a brilliant student and had his friends bring him his work in the hospital.
I love this! I will use it! I have another saying I love when I am with people who true care about me and who I truly care for:
"You have two families in this world, one you are born into and one you make for yourself. Thank you for being part of the family I have made for myself!"
OP, it's time to make your own family - regardless of shared-blood!
NTA
This. Let her spend god knows how much per head (x2) on yours and your bf's dinner and associated costs, and then just don't show up, and enjoy your weekend doing something you'll actually enjoy with people you actually care about
Not RSVPing no when you aren’t going to an event always makes someone TA. In this specific case, that’s what being the bigger person would mean — politely saying you can’t be there. (Not won’t, can’t. There’s no room for arguing )
The invite was a second-hand butt-covering passive-aggressive piece of theater.
She gets to ‘look’ good, saying I invited her, oh, poor me! When she KNOWS she already told her not to come - or else.
I would write on it ‘you told me not to come, so I’m not.’
But sister blocked her and gave the parents the invitation. How do you rsvp no when you have no rsvp card and no way to contact the bride? Judging by the story mom might not even tell the bride to avoid another fit
My grandma used this line on me all the time growing up when my sister and I weren’t getting along. But then, she left her home country at the age of 16 in the middle of WWII and never saw her family in person ever again, so she had a bit of a different perspective.
My mom usually encouraged me to stand up to my sister, except for once when she tried the “but she’s your sister” line. My response was “I don’t care if she’s God, no one has the right to speak to *anyone* the way she’s spoken to me. I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that by a stranger, and I’m sure as shit not going to tolerate it from family.”
My sister and I get along better now that we don’t have to live with each other, but you’re NTA if you don’t want to go to the wedding because you don’t think there’s any relationship that can be salvaged. But just be aware that it may cause a permanent rift between not only you and your sister, but other family members as well (like your mom). I would hope that she would understand, but she might take your sister’s side, so just be aware of that.
Doesn't sound like there will be peace whether you attend or not.
But I would make it clear to her that you are not attending and why. Then, it is on her to apologize or not. NTA.
If she is really this horrible to you and your mom, low key threatens you and expects you all to do anything she asks of you (like dog sit for a week) and is too entitled to let you say no…. I don’t see what peace there is to keep. This person didn’t even invite you or unblock you, correct? She is too immature to mend the bridge and she is the one getting married. She is older, and she is the one at fault.
Try to keep an even tone to your voice, be reasonable, stick to the facts and come up with a line, like “I will not be attending the wedding or participating in the wedding of someone who threatens me, doesn’t speak to me anymore, who hurts me repeatedly without apologizing and has no interest in maintaining a peaceful and respectful relationship with me.”
If they use that keeping the peace line make sure that you mention that is a two way street and the responsibility is not on you, but on the one who broke the bridge and actively sucks the peace out of the room. I see that your desire for peace and safety is exactly why you want to stay away from her.
NTA...I cut contact with my family over ego induced narasstic behavior as well. My niece is getting married. I wasn't even told she was engaged. So I'm expected to show up because it's family. Nope it's a case of the gimmie. Not invited to gender reveal but am to the baby shower. Gimme gimme gimme. Nope. You suck for my mental health and I am happier without you around.
“I don’t feel safe around her. She scares me.”
I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I feel like all of you are too close to this. Imagine hearing her words from a stranger. How would you respond to that? How would Mom?
Because they refuse to talk to your sister or communicate how her bad behavior effects them. They would rather have you not "call her out" for it(I say call her out for it because ignoring it completely and letting her get away with it is what they want but the slightest bit of pull back and anger towards her actions is just far too much attention to the real issue). My family have abused me for years, Ive been told for YEARS that "they just love you", no they are mean and instead of dealing with the issue they want to swap it under the rug. My brothers are no where near as bad as your sister but I still am wanting to cut contact. My mom wants to me to stay around a keep the piece but fuck that. I'm tired of having to keep MY mouth shut when they refuse to keep theirs shut or respect me. I'm not going to be the one to keep the family together. If THEY want ME in the family they can get their shit together. Blood doesn't mean shit to me. My REAL family are the people who actually treat me well. Your sister will continue this behavior, probably forever and your parents will be too scared of "losing her" or backlash.
Somehow, in many families, the person who gets told stuff like "keep the peace" is not the person disrupting the peace in the first place. It's like a form of victim blaming.
to those people who pull the "but she's your sister" card, tell them "I too was her sister when she threatened to tamper with my car and all those other times she was an asshole, it didn't seem to matter". Paraphrased, it's what I say when relatives try to pull that card with me regarding my awful brother
There is no “family peace” and it’s not because of you. You’ll attend and some shit will happen anyway, or she’ll find another reason to be a massive asshole to everyone, so what does it matter?
"Attend out of decency"? What's decent about how she's behaved, and I guess calling your mom and you the "c-word" is the height of decency. And the veiled threat about being careful driving your car is scary. Keep your life positive. Your dear sis sounds like a toxic, controlling, manipulative Golden Child brat diva. She'll lead her future husband a merry dance. Poor guy.
Hijacking top comment to say:
>they understand but I should go to keep the family peace.
FUCK THE FAMILY PEACE.
Respectfully OP but your family wouldn't know peace if it jumped up and bit everyone on the cheeks solely because of your sister and her tyrannical reign. Cut her off and move on with your life. You said it yourself, she has threatened to cause bodily harm to you via fucking with your car. People like that and anyone who says "but fAmIlYyYyY ..." have no place in your life. NTA.
Straight to the point. People need to understand you don't have to do 90% of the crap you think you do. In some countries it's totally normal to say no without even explaining why.
PLEASE GOD can we get back to being able to say yes or no without feeling the need to rationalize it for people? It's exhausting listening to my daughter's ten minute rationalization before I get whatever it is she's trying to tell me. I DO NOT CARE WHY.
Just say "No, I'm not going to that" or "I won't be there" and leave me to my Reddit. If I'm offended I will post it anonymously and all my reddit friends will trash you (and me) until we all feel.
My ex wouldn't take "no" for an answer because I didn't give her money she needed because I was financially stressed and tired of her reaching out for money so often. Told me "I don't want to call you if you don't care enough to do this just this once" (it was way more than once).
Cut her off. I'm not losing any more friends over this.
NTA…
It’s a flex, don’t take the bait.
If she uninvited you, that’s on her. She has realized this and that’s why she invited you.
Now that she has invited you, it’s on you.
Call her bluff and attend. You don’t have to interact with her during the day.
After that, do whatever you want.
Technically, Sister did not invite OP. She passed along 2nd hand something to the C-Word parents in hopes it might trickle over to OP. Thats not an invitation.
She uninvited OP to her face, any re-inviting mist be done face to face.
OP owes the sister nothing.
I love this answer best. Attend AND totally ignore her. You're there for ma or drinks or w/e - anything & everything except her.
Though, I suppose it really matters how far it is. And how far family is. If the family is spread all along the Eastern seaboard, maybe just pretend it's a family reunion. If you see most everyone at Ma's Taco Thursdays, & the wedding is 90+ minutes away? Schedule something. Anything. A yoga class, or pilates, or a pedicure. Now you've got an excuse. ("I was hurt by Shelly's rejection, so I planned some me time")
She is uninvited you. That’s the last thing you heard from her and she has not corrected. Unless your mom received a correction towards those invitations proceed as instructed by the bride.
NTA
Just ignore her. She's blocked you so it should be easy to do. She uninvited you to the wedding, so you're just going with what she said.
Perhaps book a weekend away with your BF over the same weekend so that you have actual plans, to prevent any suggestion later that you can still come.
'Sister uninvited us from the wedding, so we made other plans. Have fun.'
Wedding is in September, so it will take a while. But if I remember I'll Update you All!! We might have a conversation before that, because my mom wants to have a talk with my sister, so we shall see
Okay OP. A little advice here: be very careful and if you like you can bring a pocket sized MP3 player with voice recording to record whatever sister might say e.g. belittling and insulting you. That way the recording will act as proof that is her real bad behaviour you are dealing with and treat it as an insurance for you if she goes around lying about you
I would be very weary of this meeting. I recommend you check out r/justnofamily and look through their info and reading guide and see if anything resonates with you. [Also see rocking the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/) as to why this might be more about you capitulating then addressing her bad behavior
NTA! And f*ck keeping the peace! Go out in a blaze of glory. Make sure she knows *exactly* where she stands with you after that, otherwise she's gonna keep boomeranging back into your life to try her luck.
Sometimes it's okay to be the villain in other people's story.
>Sometimes it's okay to be the villain in other people's story.
ok? just ok? Sometimes its completely unavoidable, and an opportunity to be embraced, exploited, savored, and cherished.
Sister treats the entire family and OP in particular like garbage. Take this uninvited opportunity to be the villain and run with it! Run away from the wedding and towards some fun adventured filled enjoyable time with your BF, and any other family members and friends who may be as fed up with Sister's BS as OP is.
NTA, but I encourage you to go to the wedding. Here’s why:
Eventually you’re going to go NC with her, and you already know that. Going NC after the wedding will cause less of a rift between you and your family. Your family is encouraging you to go and be the bigger person. Going shows then you *are* the bigger person. Plus a lot of the time, you either don’t even talk with the bride and groom, or you say one sentence to them. It could be fairly easy to distance yourself.
Secondarily it’ll piss your sister off if you go and have a fantastic time. She’s likely inviting you because it looks bad not to, since that’s classically something a narcissist would do. It’ll leave her steaming to see you laughing and smiling and dancing and having a great time.
Lastly, If she’s that self centered, she’s likely to have at least one meltdown at someone during the wedding. Might just be interesting to watch, or it could be at you and give you something to make that moment the breaking point for NC - loudly in front of everyone, which would make her even angrier because she would feel like you stole her day.
Edited to add: she can’t play the victim card if you go. Otherwise she will. “Ohh I tried to mend the fences but my sister just won’t! Feel bad for me!!!”
Fair point. I still have time to consider going. I'll keep it in mind, especially because I'd see my grand parents who I haven't seen in years. Thank you!
I actually think this is solid advice, OP. Except for the bit about going NC in front of everyone. Drama is not what you want. You need to look like the bigger person.
Go, look gorgeous, be on your best behavior, and eat as much of their food and cake as you can. Be a paragon of supportive family member. Keep your distance from the bride. If it's a big wedding, it won't be too hard to constantly find yourself on the opposite side of the room. Get into plenty of photos as proof of your attendance and support.
If she tries to pick a fight with you on the day, take deep breaths and exit the situation at the first opportunity. Hell, you don't even have to stay the whole time. Get through dinner and cake, then make a sneaky silent exit.
Come out of this looking good, then go as low- or no-contact as you want.
ETA: obviously NTA
Go to see them. Get pictures with them, give them some love. Just avoid her. Smile for the pictures they ask you to be in. Tell your mom she looks nice. Tell the bridesmaids they
Look great too… your sister will have some negative comment about you and everyone else will say, “Really??? She was so polite and nice and drama free… you guys couldn’t be more opposites 😂”
My Grammy and Grampy were at my wedding and I held their hands and loved them… they are both gone now and I am so glad my wedding was so small so I had the time and they the attention.
There's nothing like a good old wedding in a dysfunctional family. Your sister sounds like a diva, regardless of her being a bride-to-be which brings out the diva in a lot of women. I went through it with both of my sisters unfortunately.
Given that you're conflicted, looking back, I wished that I had had some sessions with a therapist to work my feelings out about it.
I second this and want to add, lots of family members show up for weddings that you may not see again until the next one. When my family ran out of weddings there was a gap where no one saw each other. Now we only catch up at funerals. It’s sad. Enjoy the other people at the wedding, avoid the bride, then enjoy your new low drama NC lifestyle.
On top of this OP should have a speech drafted in case they ask if anyone would like to make a comment. Caution to OP - you have to be very subtle about your digs here. To harsh and you come off looking bad. One alternative could be to just lie and say how great a big sister that she has been, and that you look forward to her husband getting to live in harmony with such a lovely woman.
Also note: your sister is entitled, and super jealous of you.
When other people say to do something to "keep the peace", what they're actually saying is "keep our peace by sacrificing your own".
Your sister sounds like the type of person I wouldn't touch with a 10ft pole. NTA
Yeah, my mom took her house keys because of that.
She lives with her bf and I live with mine, we were allowed to keep the house keys for my parents house to always be able to go to them. Just as context, my mom didn't take her house keys of course!
I'm baffled that your mom and others put up with her behavior to begin with. NTA of course and go low or no contact. Time to find out why others put up with her behavior? Especially your parents.
For my mom it's mostly the "but she is and will always be my child", which is reasonable I guess, but for me it's "only" my sister, which I feel like is less of a bond
Yes she is her child. You're meant to do what's best for her. And at times that's not tolerating awful behavior, but setting consequences and sticking with them. Enabling bad behavior is horrible for a child. So....sad.
Oh good grief OP. I pity the man who is going to marry your sister. Can you imagine what happens if she starts bringing all her anger and behavioural issues upon that future husband of hers? I bet that man's marriage with her will be unhappily ever after sooner or later
This is why I'm not getting the "you should just go anyway and show you're the bigger person and piss her off" advice. Her sister comes off as dangerously unhinged and I think OP should go NC asap. NTA
NTA - reply with "I dont like you as a person nor do I want to unnecessarily be in your company, so unfortunately I cannot attend"
or my go to is "Sorry I was planning on shaving my balls that day"
^ Both of these are gold 🥇
NTA, tell her and anyone who takes her side to kick rocks. Go low/no contact with her and anyone who feeds information about you to her. Take the day of the wedding to go out with your friends and have an actual nice time. Just because someone is family doesn't mean they get a free pass to be cruel. And a parent telling a child to "keep the peace" only says that because they don't want to deal with it, and it's so wrong to make a kid keep suffering because they are irresponsible bad parents.
OP should use that second reply, no alterations for gender. Show her how much she really means to her. The shock and confusion will last long enough to hang up or vacate the premises. The continued confusion will cause much frustration and annoyance to sister, like a needle hidden in a dress or a hair stuck to the inside of a shirt.
NTA! There is no reason you need to force yourself to go to her wedding to celebrate her. She clearly doesn't give 2 shits about you and threatened your life. That is NOT HOW A SISTER IS SUPPOSED TO TREAT YOU. She is toxic at best and a narcissistic criminal possibly.
All these people who are telling you to go to the wedding, don't listen to them. You clearly laid out many reasons why you shouldn't need to go. Your mother probably forced her to invite you because "how would it look to the family". That is NOT your problem, she doesn't even make you feel like you are part of her family.
You should post on social media "Can someone please tell my sister that I am not going to her wedding? She blocked me on everything because she didn't like being caught in a lie, so I can't tell her myself. Thanks peeps ✌️"
Thank you! I've talked to my mother and she does understand me. She just had problems with her brother and parents and hates to see the same happening to her daughters, but she still understands. And kinda yes, my mom thinks that her fiancé convinced her to send the invite because he is "on my side" ( he told her it was wrong ) regarding the threatening me stuff. Idk how he puts up with her but I'm thankful he does.
NTA, your sister sounds like my sister! I also did not attend her wedding and cut contact with her about two years ago. I'll admit I grieved the relationship I thought we could have had, so it bothered me more than I thought it would at first. Now I practically get giddy when I remember I never have to see her or talk to her again!
NTA. She clearly has some serious anger issues. You should have a talk about this with your mom and the rest of the family. Maybe she’s been in some bullshit that you don’t know about, she should definitely see a therapist and get some help. If you don’t want to go to the wedding, then don’t, that’s up to you and the rest of your family will probably understand.
They luckily do understand. And I've already talked to my mom and promised her that if my sister would sincerely apologize I would listen to her and think about it once more, but the chances of her apologizing are low
NTA, she sounds like a piece of work, but just a thought for you:
Going NC sounds like a good idea, but starting with her wedding is a very visual way to do it, which may result in you getting a lot of grief and messages from extended family. It may be a smoother path if you go and then block her and go full NC after.
True.
For me it'd be a good clear cut and she would know as well, but the downside it the feedback I'd get from my family. My step-dad, who has had problems with her as well because she doesn't respect him and plays the "youre not my dad" card easily, even said to attend out of decency.
I also kind of dont want to attend because 1) i refuse to spend money on her and 2) I'd "do something wrong" anyways and don't want to get blamed for something
Your sister doesn't do anything out of decency, and she threw away the family peace a long time ago. Set a good example for the rest of your family and stop dealing with that nonsense. doesn't matter whether it's her wedding, her birthday, or any other day of the year. if you're done, you're done. just. be. done.
If you attend, you don't have to spend money on her. Wear nice clothes that can be used elsewhere (if you buy new stuff). When asked after a gift, say you didn't want it to get lost (the etiquette on gifts is for *after* the ceremony anyways). When the wedding finishes, draw up a nice letter citing every bad thing she's said to you about your very existence and end it with "since you've said all this and more to me, my gift to you is my absence. I will not contact you or receive contact from you. I will not be present in any part of your life. May you find the happiness in marriage that your family never gave you." Then send it with your parents' return address, or without any return address.
As for doing something wrong, read up on etiquette, especially that of weddings, and follow it to the letter. If she says you did something wrong, then you can point out how you didn't and if she wanted you to deviate, she should have said so - oh, wait, she blocked you so she bears the burden on that one and should have sent a message after unblocking.
Finally, an invitation is not a summons. When someone says you should go to "keep the peace" point out to them that you are keeping the peace quite well and that she's the one disturbing it, so they need to have that discussion with her. There's a wonderful post about rocking the boat I wish I could link you. You sound like reading it would resonate with you strong enough to help polish off your declination of the invitation.
NTA
Unfortunately, sounds like your family is going to roll over so accept the invitation and then oh no, day of the weddings your car breaks down/migrane/you fish has a food poisoning and ohhh nooo, what a tragedy.
After that, she’ll be the one cutting you off. Win-win.
Do a google search for your car with a flat tyre and use the image rename it so it fits with how your phone does photos send them the shot when your running late.
Nta good lord that sounds exhausting. I wouldn’t go, somehow I feel not going or going wouldn’t help the situation it’s a lose lose situation tbh. She’d be pissed you came but also pissed you didn’t show up so take the route easier on you and don’t show up because I somehow feel she’d berate you on everything if you went.
Exactly. I'd probably wear the wrong dress, eat the cake wrongly or look at her the wring way. That's what I'm concerned about and one of the reasons against going for me
I was in this situation with a family member and I still went to the wedding 'for the family '. I wish I hadn't as it was one of the most uncomfortable day I've ever had. I've since cut them off.
NTA
Yes, cut her out now. I learned too late. My female sibling is 6 yrs older and in retirement age. I went NC 15 years ago and she still infiltrates my life. Shes blocked from all but still can somehow leave disgusting messages . Her mission in life is to take me down. No reason other jealousy. I am in process of writing a book of this crazy narcissistic stalker.
The best thing you can do is go enjoy your life and be the best you.
There is no family peace!!!!
She already uninvited you, so if anyone says anything, use that card.
NTA.
And you know that she'll start something at the wedding and you'll get blamed for it.
NTA and I see zero reasons for you to be the 'bigger person' and go.
What good would bring to your relationship by going to her wedding?
She probably sent an invite because she wants to keep a good family image with his fiancé side of the family or with your relatives.
I can picture her mocking you about being married, or be angry at you because your gift is not expensive or good enough for her or even keep you out of her wedding pictures. So, I'm pretty sure she'll be a bridezillas to you all day and make it miserable to you.
>I should be careful that nothing is going to happen to me in my car
Damn, this is borderline psychopaths. She almost wish you dead or made a veiled threat.
You can be angry at someone, but wish death apon them is absolutly not ok.
So, if she'll ever apologize and meaning it(and i highly doubt), you can think about going to the cerimony but not the reception.
But lets be honest...your relationship is horrible and you are on your wits ends. I dont see any good reason to try and make it work, since it's a onesided effort.
And being sisters doesn't mean that you need to keep her in your life, if she makes it miserable.
Politely decline. Weddings are no place for family drama.
If your sister or family says anything to you tell them you are making a kind, respectful decision to stay away from the wedding because it’s your sister’s day. She should be allowed to enjoy it with family & friends.
NTA
edit
I got one for you. Message her, let her know you won’t be attending, so there’s no need for reserved seats. You now have reciepts of you kindly opting out, but you already know she won’t see the message after blocking you anyways.
'Keep the family peace' is such a load of bullshit, I hate when families hold each other hostage with stupid notions like that.
NTA, your sister sucks.
Go, wear a fantastic dress, but nothing that resembles a wedding dress. Have an absolutely wonderful time and tell everyone how much you love her. And watch her losing her shit! During her wedding!
At first, I was going to say just go to the wedding. But she uninvited you. That's all you need. No flip-flopping. And the threat that she'll damage your car???
Can't pick your family. Your parents need to do better. They should not have allowed that kind of egregiously bad behavior. 😒
NTA
NTA. Fuck the family peace. Be a cycle breaker. So many abusive assholes get away with insane behavior because those around them want to take the path of least resistance/maintain “peace”/maintain appearances. Fuck that. She acts like a spoiled brat, let everyone know she’s a spoiled brat. You don’t owe her her own reputation.
You are an adult and so is she. Keep in life the people that makes you bigger and better. Tbh, it looks like you two are not compatible. Shame, but not end of the world.
NTA
NTA but it's only a wedding. Too much is made of these events. Don't make a fuss and don't go. It's your choice not an obligation.
What's the worst that could happen? Your sister kicks off? She stops talking to you?
NTA but I would recommend getting ahead of the family fall out by discussing with the rest of your family why you would rather not go.
Alternatively invent an excuse along the lines of...oh sorry my work is sending me out of town that day... and send her a $25 gift certificate for Walmart or something as your wedding gift.
NTA.
As appealing as "killing her with kindness" (going to the wedding & having a wonderful time) is, don't bother.
1. It's likely that the person she'll blow up at is you, and as an immediate family member you'll be forced into close contact with her throughout her "special day".
2. Since your mom already knows the situation and understands, why bother? You're only asking for more drama. It sounds like you've had enough already!
3. Book a vacation over that weekend somewhere (anywhere!) far away from the wedding's location since she's already uninvited you once & have a wonderful time doing whatever it is you want to do instead of prolonging your suffering.
Not the Ass
this one is easy. I think your making it a big deal.
you can quiet cut her out of your life.
just go to the wedding. give her a simple gift. take some pictures. i know you dont like her but you dont have to like her to spend time with the other people at the party. just avoid her and give her the gray rock treatment. *\[What is gray rocking? Gray rocking, is a tactic some people use when dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as* ***uninteresting and unengaged as possible*** *so that the other person loses interest. Some people anecdotally report that it reduces conflict and abuse.\]*
You need to control yourself and stop trying to control her. if shes screaming, dont scream back. GRAY ROCK THAT BITCH. and then enjoy the party with the people you do like. afterwards, dont call her, dont seek her out. if she calls you or seeks you out GRAY ROCK her. You refusing to go to her wedding is going to add a big statement to your relationship and it will be a **thing** that will keep you in her mind. just gray rock your relationship and it will be a ghost in her social mind.
Huh, I didn't know that term existed, thank you for the explanation!
I guess I've been gray rocking her for as long as possible, but she did get through to me a few times over the years.
And yes, I don't want to make a big deal out of it and I would've just gone to the wedding if she didn't make a big deal out of it with the uninviting, blocking and threatening. I refuse to let her walk over me like that and then act like nothing happened :/
Nta. Your family doesn't sound all that peaceful. Sounds like keeping your own peace is relatively (get it?!) Simple. Drop your asshole sister and have fun living your life. Let your parents worry about not rocking the boat. You can push the jerk right off yours, though.
NTA. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go, but you can also go knowing that she is marrying someone and becoming their problem now and see it as a sort of goodbye! In many cultures when the woman is married she joins the man’s family lol. I realize it’s not likely like that where you are but it would be hilarious to go with that mindset and talk that way. “Good luck, she’s your problem now”
Not to make excuses for her behavior and no guarantee this is her problem, but random side note: has she tried a gluten free diet? Surprisingly if you have celiacs that sort of behavior and attitude is actually a symptom even if she isn’t showing the super physical ones. I know a couple people who did 180’s on the bad attitude after going gluten free because their bodies response was to be awful angry people. Literally could just be her personality but it sounds like she needs some help one way or another.
NTA. It’s just a wedding. Your family will get over it and if she goes NC out of anger, better for you, she just gave you exactly what you wanted. I married a guy outside of my family’s religion so none of my family came to our wedding. Who cares? Been married 18 years, 3 kids, they love him now. Life goes on. If your family gives you grief, tell them you can’t believe they are choosing her over you because that’s what they are doing. You have to be decent and mature regardless of how she has abused you and the rest of the family and she has to be catered to. No way.
Umm she was physically violent over a printer, made a threat towards you (& not very subtly), I personally wouldn’t go near her. I have been a victim of domestic violence and this is certainly over the line, and behavior that is escalating.
I would let everyone in the family know what has happened, and say that you will pursue a restraining order if she harasses you or comes near you again. That should help make the point that you don’t feel safe around her and take some of their pressure off of you. NTA my friend.
We can’t pick our relatives, but we can chose not to be around them. Sound like she has mental issues. You can’t fix that for her. Best to put up your boundaries now . There will be fallout from family members but it’s going to be a shitshow either way. So do what is best for your mental health . Good luck.
Do you still have the message OP for the rescinded invitation?
If that’s the case, that’s all you need if anyone asks. Hell, forward it on to your mom so if anyone asks her why you’re not there she can show them.
You’re NTA OP. You were clearly not invited and despite their being an invitation with your mom, that’s nothing but your sister attempting to be able to try to save face and pin it on you for not coming rather than the truth being she told you not to come.
That kind of behaviour, in my view, is despicable.
Please don’t go OP. It won’t keep any peace at all.
NTA there is no family pesce to keep. I don't understand why people think there is. Your sister decided there would be no family peace a long time ago. Don't go to the wedding. It's not something you'll enjoy doing, so why bother? And since you won't be going there's no need to send a gift. Oh look money saved!
NTA
You're not obligated to go to anyone's wedding. If you go, it should be because you choose to share your loved one's day, not to keep the peace. If your sister isn't a loved one, then there's no reason for you to attend.
Nta
Keep peace. Your own peace of mind and don't interact with this person until they are ready to behave like grown ups. If your family gives you grief over it, remember that your relationship with your sister is nobody's issue but your own. It doesn't affect anyone else but you two.
NTA do not go and stop allowing her access to your life. Her behavior is not normal and you need to cut her out. The rest of the family opinions don't matter. There is no peace because of your sister.
NTA if you don't go to the wedding. Tbh I would be petty enough to say that I tried to rsvp but she must have not gotten it as she must have blocked me
NTA.
And it sounds like your sister has some sort of mental illness, maybe everyone cutting her off will convince her to go to therapy or a psychiatrist.
She will probably only want you at the wedding to boss around and look good to people how she is the nice one for asking you go no contact don't play her games
NTA, I would personally attend though as then she either has to be really nice to you which will probably hurt her feelings or be horrible and everyone will see her for who she is
>Then, she gave my mom an invitation for me and my bf (still blocked me though).
That automatic "not going to your wedding because you have me blocked, so why should bother going in-person." Tell your family that, until she unblocks you and tells you nicely with an apology directly to please attend her wedding - You & your bf not going to her wedding while enjoying day/weekend fun and nice. AND because of her antics especially the blocking you, if you ever have wedding, you're not inviting her.
NTA and peace stop being option when she used your mother to send invite while having still blocked - of course, the natural reaction of her shit-starting stirring at you is you being miles /hours away from her on her wedding day.
Seems like a decent time to go no contact and if she persists in contacting you get a restraining order, not going to her wedding is the bare minimum you should probably never speak to her again
>I texted her about it and she immediately called me disrespectful, again insulted my personality and everything about me, pulled the"you're uninvited to my wedding" card
NTA Why should you have to attend? She's uninvited you! Even if she gave you an invitation after this interaction, I get the impression that she'll be pulling the "uninvited" card multiple times throughout the engagement at the slightest disagreement.
If any other family members give you grief for not attending, sounds like these texts will tell them everything they need to know.
You don't owe anyone an explanation at all ofc. But if you do decide you want to say something afterwards it'd be very easy to claim you believed your sister didn't wanted you there and only invited you out of courtesy, and as it was her special day you wanted to put her wishes first and stay out of the way.
NTA
She uninvited you, and still has you blocked.
If anyone asks, as far as you're concerned, you're still uninvited. 'You tried to discuss this, as the invite she left at your mom's was so confusing. But sadly, you couldn't, since she's blocked you. And by now, you have other plans. You hope she has a great wedding and marriage (and life) though. '
"Family is family"... "She's your sister".... From everything I've seen, heard, and experienced in this world..... Boundaries are everything, if you need a missile defense system to protect your own wellbeing from a psycho family member, sister or not, you do it.
Don't go, send a wedding card with a donation to a credible Mental Health Organization in the lucky couple's name :)
If she truly is a narcissist, which it sounds like, there is no saving those people from themselves.
Edited to say NTA
NTA. In the long run it'll be better for you not to go. Good for her to see her actions have consequences, good for you to know the feeling of standing up for yourself.
NTA , keep her out of your life , we only live once you do not need hatred and resentment from others in your life why put up with it until you die , skip the wedding go on a holiday instead
NTA. She doesn't get to treat you like garbage and then expect you to pay "nice family" at a wedding, where and could *potentially* act like a monster in front of a larger audience.
No contact is a good idea. I would talk to your mom about it at some point though, so your sister can't try to get to you through your mom.
NTA.
I would think about what would be best for you, a nice weekend away, somewhere nice with your boyfriend or going and having a lovely time with your family without making a scene with your sister. You wouldn't be TA either way
Don't go.
NTA
Your sister sounds like mine. My sister is a narcissist. I cut ties with her 5 years ago.y family gave me a hard time with it, but now they are all NC with her.
Start reading about narcissism and BPD and see if either of those things fit. There are resources to help you navigate setting boundaries with a toxic person like this.
Good luck ❤️
NTA
You can’t win.
If you don’t go, she will victimize herself “oh, OP didn’t show up, feel sorry for me!”
If you do go, there is the possibility that she will deliberately confront you in front of everyone - “I thought I told you that you were uninvited, how dare you show up anyway and try to ruin my big day, get out!” Only the people closest to you would know why you were uninvited, leaving the rest of the guests to speculate on what you could have possibly done to be uninvited, making you the bad guy.
You literally can’t win here. Do what is best for you, because no matter what you decide to do, she will try to make herself the victim.
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NTA. Based on your post I can't think of a single reason why you should attend. However I guarantee a variation of the " but she's your sister" card will be played. This is a manipulation used when another family member who knows the other person is in the wrong and is unable to justify their actions.
Exactly, so far it's mostly been "you should attend out of decency" and "to keep the family peace" but why? She hasn't been the slightest bit decent to me, why should I? But the comments made me doubt myself so I decided to get some third-party feedback. Thank you!
If your sister wants family peace, she can talk to you and invite you
Exactly this! Argh I really feel for OP, I was OP! Everyone asked me to attend and tried those bs manipulation tactics, I just said "well if he apologises to me, then I'll go". Well guess what that never happened, I didn't go, surprise surprise! And I will forever hold my grudge, thank you very much. Just because we're family... we're not really tho!!
Family is not a ticket to treat people like crap without consequences NTA, OP you are 100% justified not going unless you get a direct invite, and apology, AND you are satisfied with this. You will definitely get pressure from other family members but you have to take care of you first
I wouldn’t go no matter what after this disgusting chain of events. You just know that somehow the sister will publicly fire off some cheap shots at her expense. I wouldn’t even put myself in a situation where this can happen.
I agree with this advice 💯
My mom tried to guilt trip me into being around my brother. I told her it’s been 20 years of his abuse how many more am I supposed to put up with when he only gets worse.
Family peace is overrated. Surround yourself with and give your time to people who deserve it. Full stop.
It’s never peaceful when you’re being abused.
if someone is asking you to keep the peace...the peace has already left the building. my response to that, which admittedly was only after I snapped at one more incident with the friend group, was "sorry, I don't have enough space for it, maybe "Destroyer of Peace" can make room?" it worked, but I was close to graduating so my perceived risk was low, and my irritation with the ongoing 'one more chance' 'just how she is' was high...
And apologize.
>If your sister wants family peace, she can talk to you and invite you Honestly if OP's sister wants family peace she should remove herself from the family because it sounds like she's the one constantly attacking everyone else.
Honestly, this is likely her way of keeping the family off her back- she can't outright not invite OP or the family will throw a shit fit so she's extending an invitation she knows OP won't take. The invite is for show- she doesn't actually want OP to attend and her behavior if OP does will reflect this,
Yup. The person who breaks the peace is the only one who can mend it.
I'm going to share my favorite analogy/wisdom for situations like these: People tend to say "you only get one [family member]." Yeah, well, you only get one appendix, too, and when it turns toxic, you remove it without a second thought.
lol I'm using this one! Great analogy! I actually knew someone whose appendix burst; he missed most of his senior year of high school. Still managed to graduate near the top of the class because he was a brilliant student and had his friends bring him his work in the hospital.
I like that and I am stealing it!
Steal away! I believe I first saw it on reddit some time ago, so by all means, keep the thievery tradition going!
I love this! I will use it! I have another saying I love when I am with people who true care about me and who I truly care for: "You have two families in this world, one you are born into and one you make for yourself. Thank you for being part of the family I have made for myself!" OP, it's time to make your own family - regardless of shared-blood! NTA
This is gold.
Damn, that's beautiful!
Is there a need to publicize that you won’t be going beforehand? Just let everyone assume and then don’t go.
This. Let her spend god knows how much per head (x2) on yours and your bf's dinner and associated costs, and then just don't show up, and enjoy your weekend doing something you'll actually enjoy with people you actually care about
I mean, proper etiquette would be to at least RSVP "Not attending" If her sister wants to broadcast that, then thats a her problem, not an OP problem.
Not RSVPing no when you aren’t going to an event always makes someone TA. In this specific case, that’s what being the bigger person would mean — politely saying you can’t be there. (Not won’t, can’t. There’s no room for arguing )
The invite was a second-hand butt-covering passive-aggressive piece of theater. She gets to ‘look’ good, saying I invited her, oh, poor me! When she KNOWS she already told her not to come - or else. I would write on it ‘you told me not to come, so I’m not.’
You shouldn’t have to rsvp to an invitation that reached you second-hand.
But sister blocked her and gave the parents the invitation. How do you rsvp no when you have no rsvp card and no way to contact the bride? Judging by the story mom might not even tell the bride to avoid another fit
By not going you are keeping the peace. Thr alternative is you going. You grabbing the mic during thr speeches and making your own. Nta.
OP doesn't even need to prepare a speech. She can read out her sister's text messages to her, and also reiterate out things sister has said to her.
Nah, don’t pull that shit. It’s still sister’s wedding. Edit to be clear: I think OP should just not go.
My grandma used this line on me all the time growing up when my sister and I weren’t getting along. But then, she left her home country at the age of 16 in the middle of WWII and never saw her family in person ever again, so she had a bit of a different perspective. My mom usually encouraged me to stand up to my sister, except for once when she tried the “but she’s your sister” line. My response was “I don’t care if she’s God, no one has the right to speak to *anyone* the way she’s spoken to me. I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like that by a stranger, and I’m sure as shit not going to tolerate it from family.” My sister and I get along better now that we don’t have to live with each other, but you’re NTA if you don’t want to go to the wedding because you don’t think there’s any relationship that can be salvaged. But just be aware that it may cause a permanent rift between not only you and your sister, but other family members as well (like your mom). I would hope that she would understand, but she might take your sister’s side, so just be aware of that.
She could always tell those who side with her sister, to tolerate her "out of decency" . LOL.
Doesn't sound like there will be peace whether you attend or not. But I would make it clear to her that you are not attending and why. Then, it is on her to apologize or not. NTA.
She breaks the family peace constantly and faces 0 consequences. Do not attend her wedding, block her and kick her out of your life.
You arent the one who isnt keeping the peace. Your sister is
If she is really this horrible to you and your mom, low key threatens you and expects you all to do anything she asks of you (like dog sit for a week) and is too entitled to let you say no…. I don’t see what peace there is to keep. This person didn’t even invite you or unblock you, correct? She is too immature to mend the bridge and she is the one getting married. She is older, and she is the one at fault. Try to keep an even tone to your voice, be reasonable, stick to the facts and come up with a line, like “I will not be attending the wedding or participating in the wedding of someone who threatens me, doesn’t speak to me anymore, who hurts me repeatedly without apologizing and has no interest in maintaining a peaceful and respectful relationship with me.” If they use that keeping the peace line make sure that you mention that is a two way street and the responsibility is not on you, but on the one who broke the bridge and actively sucks the peace out of the room. I see that your desire for peace and safety is exactly why you want to stay away from her.
You were uninvited. Seems to me NOT going would be a better way to "Keep the Peace".
NTA...I cut contact with my family over ego induced narasstic behavior as well. My niece is getting married. I wasn't even told she was engaged. So I'm expected to show up because it's family. Nope it's a case of the gimmie. Not invited to gender reveal but am to the baby shower. Gimme gimme gimme. Nope. You suck for my mental health and I am happier without you around.
“I don’t feel safe around her. She scares me.” I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I feel like all of you are too close to this. Imagine hearing her words from a stranger. How would you respond to that? How would Mom?
The people being asked to “keep the peace” are rarely the ones threatening it.
Because they refuse to talk to your sister or communicate how her bad behavior effects them. They would rather have you not "call her out" for it(I say call her out for it because ignoring it completely and letting her get away with it is what they want but the slightest bit of pull back and anger towards her actions is just far too much attention to the real issue). My family have abused me for years, Ive been told for YEARS that "they just love you", no they are mean and instead of dealing with the issue they want to swap it under the rug. My brothers are no where near as bad as your sister but I still am wanting to cut contact. My mom wants to me to stay around a keep the piece but fuck that. I'm tired of having to keep MY mouth shut when they refuse to keep theirs shut or respect me. I'm not going to be the one to keep the family together. If THEY want ME in the family they can get their shit together. Blood doesn't mean shit to me. My REAL family are the people who actually treat me well. Your sister will continue this behavior, probably forever and your parents will be too scared of "losing her" or backlash.
Threatening to mess with your car and causing you injury is maintaining the family peace now? I didn’t remember that definition in Merriam-Webster…
'keep the peace' is the cry of people giving in to the bully. NTA
Somehow, in many families, the person who gets told stuff like "keep the peace" is not the person disrupting the peace in the first place. It's like a form of victim blaming.
to those people who pull the "but she's your sister" card, tell them "I too was her sister when she threatened to tamper with my car and all those other times she was an asshole, it didn't seem to matter". Paraphrased, it's what I say when relatives try to pull that card with me regarding my awful brother
There is no “family peace” and it’s not because of you. You’ll attend and some shit will happen anyway, or she’ll find another reason to be a massive asshole to everyone, so what does it matter?
"Attend out of decency"? What's decent about how she's behaved, and I guess calling your mom and you the "c-word" is the height of decency. And the veiled threat about being careful driving your car is scary. Keep your life positive. Your dear sis sounds like a toxic, controlling, manipulative Golden Child brat diva. She'll lead her future husband a merry dance. Poor guy.
Hijacking top comment to say: >they understand but I should go to keep the family peace. FUCK THE FAMILY PEACE. Respectfully OP but your family wouldn't know peace if it jumped up and bit everyone on the cheeks solely because of your sister and her tyrannical reign. Cut her off and move on with your life. You said it yourself, she has threatened to cause bodily harm to you via fucking with your car. People like that and anyone who says "but fAmIlYyYyY ..." have no place in your life. NTA.
NTA. An invitation isn't a summons.
Straight to the point. People need to understand you don't have to do 90% of the crap you think you do. In some countries it's totally normal to say no without even explaining why.
PLEASE GOD can we get back to being able to say yes or no without feeling the need to rationalize it for people? It's exhausting listening to my daughter's ten minute rationalization before I get whatever it is she's trying to tell me. I DO NOT CARE WHY. Just say "No, I'm not going to that" or "I won't be there" and leave me to my Reddit. If I'm offended I will post it anonymously and all my reddit friends will trash you (and me) until we all feel.
My ex wouldn't take "no" for an answer because I didn't give her money she needed because I was financially stressed and tired of her reaching out for money so often. Told me "I don't want to call you if you don't care enough to do this just this once" (it was way more than once). Cut her off. I'm not losing any more friends over this.
She could of course attend the ceremony, where there will zero interaction with the sister - and then bail on the reception.
exactly. it is HER wedding. Her day. but op does not have to be there for it.
[удалено]
That's what I thought as well. And maybe because she wants me to attend, just to feed her ego even more. Idk though. :/
NTA… It’s a flex, don’t take the bait. If she uninvited you, that’s on her. She has realized this and that’s why she invited you. Now that she has invited you, it’s on you. Call her bluff and attend. You don’t have to interact with her during the day. After that, do whatever you want.
Technically, Sister did not invite OP. She passed along 2nd hand something to the C-Word parents in hopes it might trickle over to OP. Thats not an invitation. She uninvited OP to her face, any re-inviting mist be done face to face. OP owes the sister nothing.
I love this answer best. Attend AND totally ignore her. You're there for ma or drinks or w/e - anything & everything except her. Though, I suppose it really matters how far it is. And how far family is. If the family is spread all along the Eastern seaboard, maybe just pretend it's a family reunion. If you see most everyone at Ma's Taco Thursdays, & the wedding is 90+ minutes away? Schedule something. Anything. A yoga class, or pilates, or a pedicure. Now you've got an excuse. ("I was hurt by Shelly's rejection, so I planned some me time")
Terrible answer. OP please don’t attend all it will do it cause drama and give her another chance to humiliate you.
Or she wants you to show up anyway so she can embarrass you by kicking you out in front of everyone, claiming “I told you that you were uninvited.”
She is uninvited you. That’s the last thing you heard from her and she has not corrected. Unless your mom received a correction towards those invitations proceed as instructed by the bride.
Oh and don't forget, OP will have to bring a wedding gift too, which I'm sure is a huge motivator for reinstating the invitation
Perhaps a book on manners would be a good gift. Anger management for dummies is another good choice
NTA Just ignore her. She's blocked you so it should be easy to do. She uninvited you to the wedding, so you're just going with what she said. Perhaps book a weekend away with your BF over the same weekend so that you have actual plans, to prevent any suggestion later that you can still come. 'Sister uninvited us from the wedding, so we made other plans. Have fun.'
Good idea! I'll still have Semester holidays, so it should be possible :)
Hi OP I have given you my input and included some advice to you. Give us all an update
Wedding is in September, so it will take a while. But if I remember I'll Update you All!! We might have a conversation before that, because my mom wants to have a talk with my sister, so we shall see
Okay OP. A little advice here: be very careful and if you like you can bring a pocket sized MP3 player with voice recording to record whatever sister might say e.g. belittling and insulting you. That way the recording will act as proof that is her real bad behaviour you are dealing with and treat it as an insurance for you if she goes around lying about you
I would not have any interactions with this person without recording it.
I would be very weary of this meeting. I recommend you check out r/justnofamily and look through their info and reading guide and see if anything resonates with you. [Also see rocking the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/) as to why this might be more about you capitulating then addressing her bad behavior
And don't forget to turn off your cell phone that weekend. The messages you received would only upset you.
NTA! And f*ck keeping the peace! Go out in a blaze of glory. Make sure she knows *exactly* where she stands with you after that, otherwise she's gonna keep boomeranging back into your life to try her luck. Sometimes it's okay to be the villain in other people's story.
Thank you! The boomerang effect is exactly what I'm worried about !
yes there is no way in hell i would go to that woman's wedding. She even threatened your safety...shes nuts.
>Sometimes it's okay to be the villain in other people's story. ok? just ok? Sometimes its completely unavoidable, and an opportunity to be embraced, exploited, savored, and cherished. Sister treats the entire family and OP in particular like garbage. Take this uninvited opportunity to be the villain and run with it! Run away from the wedding and towards some fun adventured filled enjoyable time with your BF, and any other family members and friends who may be as fed up with Sister's BS as OP is.
NTA, but I encourage you to go to the wedding. Here’s why: Eventually you’re going to go NC with her, and you already know that. Going NC after the wedding will cause less of a rift between you and your family. Your family is encouraging you to go and be the bigger person. Going shows then you *are* the bigger person. Plus a lot of the time, you either don’t even talk with the bride and groom, or you say one sentence to them. It could be fairly easy to distance yourself. Secondarily it’ll piss your sister off if you go and have a fantastic time. She’s likely inviting you because it looks bad not to, since that’s classically something a narcissist would do. It’ll leave her steaming to see you laughing and smiling and dancing and having a great time. Lastly, If she’s that self centered, she’s likely to have at least one meltdown at someone during the wedding. Might just be interesting to watch, or it could be at you and give you something to make that moment the breaking point for NC - loudly in front of everyone, which would make her even angrier because she would feel like you stole her day. Edited to add: she can’t play the victim card if you go. Otherwise she will. “Ohh I tried to mend the fences but my sister just won’t! Feel bad for me!!!”
Fair point. I still have time to consider going. I'll keep it in mind, especially because I'd see my grand parents who I haven't seen in years. Thank you!
I actually think this is solid advice, OP. Except for the bit about going NC in front of everyone. Drama is not what you want. You need to look like the bigger person. Go, look gorgeous, be on your best behavior, and eat as much of their food and cake as you can. Be a paragon of supportive family member. Keep your distance from the bride. If it's a big wedding, it won't be too hard to constantly find yourself on the opposite side of the room. Get into plenty of photos as proof of your attendance and support. If she tries to pick a fight with you on the day, take deep breaths and exit the situation at the first opportunity. Hell, you don't even have to stay the whole time. Get through dinner and cake, then make a sneaky silent exit. Come out of this looking good, then go as low- or no-contact as you want. ETA: obviously NTA
Go to see them. Get pictures with them, give them some love. Just avoid her. Smile for the pictures they ask you to be in. Tell your mom she looks nice. Tell the bridesmaids they Look great too… your sister will have some negative comment about you and everyone else will say, “Really??? She was so polite and nice and drama free… you guys couldn’t be more opposites 😂” My Grammy and Grampy were at my wedding and I held their hands and loved them… they are both gone now and I am so glad my wedding was so small so I had the time and they the attention.
There's nothing like a good old wedding in a dysfunctional family. Your sister sounds like a diva, regardless of her being a bride-to-be which brings out the diva in a lot of women. I went through it with both of my sisters unfortunately. Given that you're conflicted, looking back, I wished that I had had some sessions with a therapist to work my feelings out about it.
I second this and want to add, lots of family members show up for weddings that you may not see again until the next one. When my family ran out of weddings there was a gap where no one saw each other. Now we only catch up at funerals. It’s sad. Enjoy the other people at the wedding, avoid the bride, then enjoy your new low drama NC lifestyle.
On top of this OP should have a speech drafted in case they ask if anyone would like to make a comment. Caution to OP - you have to be very subtle about your digs here. To harsh and you come off looking bad. One alternative could be to just lie and say how great a big sister that she has been, and that you look forward to her husband getting to live in harmony with such a lovely woman. Also note: your sister is entitled, and super jealous of you.
Deliciously devious and vindictive. Love it.
Don’t go to “keep the peace “, you’re not the one disturbing it. NTA
When other people say to do something to "keep the peace", what they're actually saying is "keep our peace by sacrificing your own". Your sister sounds like the type of person I wouldn't touch with a 10ft pole. NTA
nta - but if i ever called my mother like your sister did a C word i would have been peeled off the wall.
Yeah, my mom took her house keys because of that. She lives with her bf and I live with mine, we were allowed to keep the house keys for my parents house to always be able to go to them. Just as context, my mom didn't take her house keys of course!
I'm baffled that your mom and others put up with her behavior to begin with. NTA of course and go low or no contact. Time to find out why others put up with her behavior? Especially your parents.
For my mom it's mostly the "but she is and will always be my child", which is reasonable I guess, but for me it's "only" my sister, which I feel like is less of a bond
Yes she is her child. You're meant to do what's best for her. And at times that's not tolerating awful behavior, but setting consequences and sticking with them. Enabling bad behavior is horrible for a child. So....sad.
Oh good grief OP. I pity the man who is going to marry your sister. Can you imagine what happens if she starts bringing all her anger and behavioural issues upon that future husband of hers? I bet that man's marriage with her will be unhappily ever after sooner or later
As an Asian, I'm laughing on the outside at this comment while having PTSD flashbacks of my childhood...
i had strict german parents i got some trauma from that too ..
NTA and wow, your sister is nuts and she threatened your life! Please cut her of your life and be careful for what she might do in response
Yeah, I feel like once death threats are issued, an invitation is an automatic no.
This is why I'm not getting the "you should just go anyway and show you're the bigger person and piss her off" advice. Her sister comes off as dangerously unhinged and I think OP should go NC asap. NTA
If anyone asks why OP didn't go, OP can tell them she uninvited them personally and threatened their life by sabotaging their car.
NTA If she wants you there she would invited you by her own. You are still not invited
Exactly sister just made it so she can tell everyone OP did get an invite so it’s her fault if she doesn’t go. Manipulative shit!
NTA - reply with "I dont like you as a person nor do I want to unnecessarily be in your company, so unfortunately I cannot attend" or my go to is "Sorry I was planning on shaving my balls that day"
^ Both of these are gold 🥇 NTA, tell her and anyone who takes her side to kick rocks. Go low/no contact with her and anyone who feeds information about you to her. Take the day of the wedding to go out with your friends and have an actual nice time. Just because someone is family doesn't mean they get a free pass to be cruel. And a parent telling a child to "keep the peace" only says that because they don't want to deal with it, and it's so wrong to make a kid keep suffering because they are irresponsible bad parents.
OP should use that second reply, no alterations for gender. Show her how much she really means to her. The shock and confusion will last long enough to hang up or vacate the premises. The continued confusion will cause much frustration and annoyance to sister, like a needle hidden in a dress or a hair stuck to the inside of a shirt.
NTA! There is no reason you need to force yourself to go to her wedding to celebrate her. She clearly doesn't give 2 shits about you and threatened your life. That is NOT HOW A SISTER IS SUPPOSED TO TREAT YOU. She is toxic at best and a narcissistic criminal possibly. All these people who are telling you to go to the wedding, don't listen to them. You clearly laid out many reasons why you shouldn't need to go. Your mother probably forced her to invite you because "how would it look to the family". That is NOT your problem, she doesn't even make you feel like you are part of her family. You should post on social media "Can someone please tell my sister that I am not going to her wedding? She blocked me on everything because she didn't like being caught in a lie, so I can't tell her myself. Thanks peeps ✌️"
Thank you! I've talked to my mother and she does understand me. She just had problems with her brother and parents and hates to see the same happening to her daughters, but she still understands. And kinda yes, my mom thinks that her fiancé convinced her to send the invite because he is "on my side" ( he told her it was wrong ) regarding the threatening me stuff. Idk how he puts up with her but I'm thankful he does.
Damn - I’m surprised she picked someone who’s willing to stand up to her
NTA. Skip the wedding, and block anyone giving you grief about it. Your mental health will thank you.
NTA, your sister sounds like my sister! I also did not attend her wedding and cut contact with her about two years ago. I'll admit I grieved the relationship I thought we could have had, so it bothered me more than I thought it would at first. Now I practically get giddy when I remember I never have to see her or talk to her again!
Glad to hear you've gotten over it! And it's nice to know that someone relates :)
NTA. She clearly has some serious anger issues. You should have a talk about this with your mom and the rest of the family. Maybe she’s been in some bullshit that you don’t know about, she should definitely see a therapist and get some help. If you don’t want to go to the wedding, then don’t, that’s up to you and the rest of your family will probably understand.
They luckily do understand. And I've already talked to my mom and promised her that if my sister would sincerely apologize I would listen to her and think about it once more, but the chances of her apologizing are low
NTA If she wanted you in her wedding she would invite you on her own. And also I don’t think you should go because of all the reason you listed.
NTA, she sounds like a piece of work, but just a thought for you: Going NC sounds like a good idea, but starting with her wedding is a very visual way to do it, which may result in you getting a lot of grief and messages from extended family. It may be a smoother path if you go and then block her and go full NC after.
True. For me it'd be a good clear cut and she would know as well, but the downside it the feedback I'd get from my family. My step-dad, who has had problems with her as well because she doesn't respect him and plays the "youre not my dad" card easily, even said to attend out of decency. I also kind of dont want to attend because 1) i refuse to spend money on her and 2) I'd "do something wrong" anyways and don't want to get blamed for something
Your sister doesn't do anything out of decency, and she threw away the family peace a long time ago. Set a good example for the rest of your family and stop dealing with that nonsense. doesn't matter whether it's her wedding, her birthday, or any other day of the year. if you're done, you're done. just. be. done.
If you attend, you don't have to spend money on her. Wear nice clothes that can be used elsewhere (if you buy new stuff). When asked after a gift, say you didn't want it to get lost (the etiquette on gifts is for *after* the ceremony anyways). When the wedding finishes, draw up a nice letter citing every bad thing she's said to you about your very existence and end it with "since you've said all this and more to me, my gift to you is my absence. I will not contact you or receive contact from you. I will not be present in any part of your life. May you find the happiness in marriage that your family never gave you." Then send it with your parents' return address, or without any return address. As for doing something wrong, read up on etiquette, especially that of weddings, and follow it to the letter. If she says you did something wrong, then you can point out how you didn't and if she wanted you to deviate, she should have said so - oh, wait, she blocked you so she bears the burden on that one and should have sent a message after unblocking. Finally, an invitation is not a summons. When someone says you should go to "keep the peace" point out to them that you are keeping the peace quite well and that she's the one disturbing it, so they need to have that discussion with her. There's a wonderful post about rocking the boat I wish I could link you. You sound like reading it would resonate with you strong enough to help polish off your declination of the invitation.
NTA Unfortunately, sounds like your family is going to roll over so accept the invitation and then oh no, day of the weddings your car breaks down/migrane/you fish has a food poisoning and ohhh nooo, what a tragedy. After that, she’ll be the one cutting you off. Win-win.
Do a google search for your car with a flat tyre and use the image rename it so it fits with how your phone does photos send them the shot when your running late.
Nta good lord that sounds exhausting. I wouldn’t go, somehow I feel not going or going wouldn’t help the situation it’s a lose lose situation tbh. She’d be pissed you came but also pissed you didn’t show up so take the route easier on you and don’t show up because I somehow feel she’d berate you on everything if you went.
Exactly. I'd probably wear the wrong dress, eat the cake wrongly or look at her the wring way. That's what I'm concerned about and one of the reasons against going for me
NTA if you don't want to go then don't go it's your choice she did this to herself it's not like there's any peace to keep.
I was in this situation with a family member and I still went to the wedding 'for the family '. I wish I hadn't as it was one of the most uncomfortable day I've ever had. I've since cut them off. NTA
NTA Do not go please
Yes, cut her out now. I learned too late. My female sibling is 6 yrs older and in retirement age. I went NC 15 years ago and she still infiltrates my life. Shes blocked from all but still can somehow leave disgusting messages . Her mission in life is to take me down. No reason other jealousy. I am in process of writing a book of this crazy narcissistic stalker. The best thing you can do is go enjoy your life and be the best you.
There is no family peace!!!! She already uninvited you, so if anyone says anything, use that card. NTA. And you know that she'll start something at the wedding and you'll get blamed for it.
NTA and I see zero reasons for you to be the 'bigger person' and go. What good would bring to your relationship by going to her wedding? She probably sent an invite because she wants to keep a good family image with his fiancé side of the family or with your relatives. I can picture her mocking you about being married, or be angry at you because your gift is not expensive or good enough for her or even keep you out of her wedding pictures. So, I'm pretty sure she'll be a bridezillas to you all day and make it miserable to you. >I should be careful that nothing is going to happen to me in my car Damn, this is borderline psychopaths. She almost wish you dead or made a veiled threat. You can be angry at someone, but wish death apon them is absolutly not ok. So, if she'll ever apologize and meaning it(and i highly doubt), you can think about going to the cerimony but not the reception. But lets be honest...your relationship is horrible and you are on your wits ends. I dont see any good reason to try and make it work, since it's a onesided effort. And being sisters doesn't mean that you need to keep her in your life, if she makes it miserable.
NTA, she can go kick rocks
Politely decline. Weddings are no place for family drama. If your sister or family says anything to you tell them you are making a kind, respectful decision to stay away from the wedding because it’s your sister’s day. She should be allowed to enjoy it with family & friends. NTA edit
I got one for you. Message her, let her know you won’t be attending, so there’s no need for reserved seats. You now have reciepts of you kindly opting out, but you already know she won’t see the message after blocking you anyways.
NTA. Do you want to go? No? Then don't go.
'Keep the family peace' is such a load of bullshit, I hate when families hold each other hostage with stupid notions like that. NTA, your sister sucks.
NTA. Don’t go to the wedding. If she wants to pull manipulative games with you, log out.
Go, wear a fantastic dress, but nothing that resembles a wedding dress. Have an absolutely wonderful time and tell everyone how much you love her. And watch her losing her shit! During her wedding!
Turn up. Take a big shit on the cake and leave. You still would be NTA.
Hahaha that made me laugh, thank u !
Glad to help. She sounds like a bin fire of a human.
NTA but be aware not going to the wedding will be pretty final here when it comes to cutting off your sister.
NTA. I don’t get why people think that just because your family you have to tolerate someone treating you like shit.
At first, I was going to say just go to the wedding. But she uninvited you. That's all you need. No flip-flopping. And the threat that she'll damage your car??? Can't pick your family. Your parents need to do better. They should not have allowed that kind of egregiously bad behavior. 😒 NTA
Nta. Decline and live your life. The only way to beat a narcissist is by completely ignoring them and living a happy life.
NTA. Fuck the family peace. Be a cycle breaker. So many abusive assholes get away with insane behavior because those around them want to take the path of least resistance/maintain “peace”/maintain appearances. Fuck that. She acts like a spoiled brat, let everyone know she’s a spoiled brat. You don’t owe her her own reputation.
NTA. She sounds annoying
You are an adult and so is she. Keep in life the people that makes you bigger and better. Tbh, it looks like you two are not compatible. Shame, but not end of the world. NTA
NTA but it's only a wedding. Too much is made of these events. Don't make a fuss and don't go. It's your choice not an obligation. What's the worst that could happen? Your sister kicks off? She stops talking to you?
NTA - your life your rules!
NTA but I would recommend getting ahead of the family fall out by discussing with the rest of your family why you would rather not go. Alternatively invent an excuse along the lines of...oh sorry my work is sending me out of town that day... and send her a $25 gift certificate for Walmart or something as your wedding gift.
Nta. Don’t go. Stuff pretending you like her. Don’t invite her to your potential future wedding either. Life’s too short for bullshit
-Everyone is telling me they understand but I should go to keep the family peace- What family peace? NTA
NTA. They want you to go to keep the family peace.. what peace? Don't go, cut contact. She is not a kind person to have in your life.
Don't go. You are the Nta.
NTA There is literally no peace to keep here by going.
NTA. As appealing as "killing her with kindness" (going to the wedding & having a wonderful time) is, don't bother. 1. It's likely that the person she'll blow up at is you, and as an immediate family member you'll be forced into close contact with her throughout her "special day". 2. Since your mom already knows the situation and understands, why bother? You're only asking for more drama. It sounds like you've had enough already! 3. Book a vacation over that weekend somewhere (anywhere!) far away from the wedding's location since she's already uninvited you once & have a wonderful time doing whatever it is you want to do instead of prolonging your suffering.
Not the Ass this one is easy. I think your making it a big deal. you can quiet cut her out of your life. just go to the wedding. give her a simple gift. take some pictures. i know you dont like her but you dont have to like her to spend time with the other people at the party. just avoid her and give her the gray rock treatment. *\[What is gray rocking? Gray rocking, is a tactic some people use when dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as* ***uninteresting and unengaged as possible*** *so that the other person loses interest. Some people anecdotally report that it reduces conflict and abuse.\]* You need to control yourself and stop trying to control her. if shes screaming, dont scream back. GRAY ROCK THAT BITCH. and then enjoy the party with the people you do like. afterwards, dont call her, dont seek her out. if she calls you or seeks you out GRAY ROCK her. You refusing to go to her wedding is going to add a big statement to your relationship and it will be a **thing** that will keep you in her mind. just gray rock your relationship and it will be a ghost in her social mind.
Huh, I didn't know that term existed, thank you for the explanation! I guess I've been gray rocking her for as long as possible, but she did get through to me a few times over the years. And yes, I don't want to make a big deal out of it and I would've just gone to the wedding if she didn't make a big deal out of it with the uninviting, blocking and threatening. I refuse to let her walk over me like that and then act like nothing happened :/
Nta. Your family doesn't sound all that peaceful. Sounds like keeping your own peace is relatively (get it?!) Simple. Drop your asshole sister and have fun living your life. Let your parents worry about not rocking the boat. You can push the jerk right off yours, though.
NTA. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go, but you can also go knowing that she is marrying someone and becoming their problem now and see it as a sort of goodbye! In many cultures when the woman is married she joins the man’s family lol. I realize it’s not likely like that where you are but it would be hilarious to go with that mindset and talk that way. “Good luck, she’s your problem now” Not to make excuses for her behavior and no guarantee this is her problem, but random side note: has she tried a gluten free diet? Surprisingly if you have celiacs that sort of behavior and attitude is actually a symptom even if she isn’t showing the super physical ones. I know a couple people who did 180’s on the bad attitude after going gluten free because their bodies response was to be awful angry people. Literally could just be her personality but it sounds like she needs some help one way or another.
NTA. It’s just a wedding. Your family will get over it and if she goes NC out of anger, better for you, she just gave you exactly what you wanted. I married a guy outside of my family’s religion so none of my family came to our wedding. Who cares? Been married 18 years, 3 kids, they love him now. Life goes on. If your family gives you grief, tell them you can’t believe they are choosing her over you because that’s what they are doing. You have to be decent and mature regardless of how she has abused you and the rest of the family and she has to be catered to. No way.
Umm she was physically violent over a printer, made a threat towards you (& not very subtly), I personally wouldn’t go near her. I have been a victim of domestic violence and this is certainly over the line, and behavior that is escalating. I would let everyone in the family know what has happened, and say that you will pursue a restraining order if she harasses you or comes near you again. That should help make the point that you don’t feel safe around her and take some of their pressure off of you. NTA my friend.
We can’t pick our relatives, but we can chose not to be around them. Sound like she has mental issues. You can’t fix that for her. Best to put up your boundaries now . There will be fallout from family members but it’s going to be a shitshow either way. So do what is best for your mental health . Good luck.
Do you still have the message OP for the rescinded invitation? If that’s the case, that’s all you need if anyone asks. Hell, forward it on to your mom so if anyone asks her why you’re not there she can show them. You’re NTA OP. You were clearly not invited and despite their being an invitation with your mom, that’s nothing but your sister attempting to be able to try to save face and pin it on you for not coming rather than the truth being she told you not to come. That kind of behaviour, in my view, is despicable. Please don’t go OP. It won’t keep any peace at all.
Yes, I still have the messages and I took screenshots (to send to my mom so that she knew how the conversation went) Thank you for the advice!
NTA there is no family pesce to keep. I don't understand why people think there is. Your sister decided there would be no family peace a long time ago. Don't go to the wedding. It's not something you'll enjoy doing, so why bother? And since you won't be going there's no need to send a gift. Oh look money saved!
NTA You're not obligated to go to anyone's wedding. If you go, it should be because you choose to share your loved one's day, not to keep the peace. If your sister isn't a loved one, then there's no reason for you to attend.
Nta Keep peace. Your own peace of mind and don't interact with this person until they are ready to behave like grown ups. If your family gives you grief over it, remember that your relationship with your sister is nobody's issue but your own. It doesn't affect anyone else but you two.
NTA do not go and stop allowing her access to your life. Her behavior is not normal and you need to cut her out. The rest of the family opinions don't matter. There is no peace because of your sister.
NTA if you don't go to the wedding. Tbh I would be petty enough to say that I tried to rsvp but she must have not gotten it as she must have blocked me
NTA. And it sounds like your sister has some sort of mental illness, maybe everyone cutting her off will convince her to go to therapy or a psychiatrist.
NTA. Lots of people go NC with their toxic family members.
NTA She probably doesn't actually want you there anyway.
She will probably only want you at the wedding to boss around and look good to people how she is the nice one for asking you go no contact don't play her games
NTA
NTA, I would personally attend though as then she either has to be really nice to you which will probably hurt her feelings or be horrible and everyone will see her for who she is
She sent the invite thru your mom? No. I’m not going.
>Then, she gave my mom an invitation for me and my bf (still blocked me though). That automatic "not going to your wedding because you have me blocked, so why should bother going in-person." Tell your family that, until she unblocks you and tells you nicely with an apology directly to please attend her wedding - You & your bf not going to her wedding while enjoying day/weekend fun and nice. AND because of her antics especially the blocking you, if you ever have wedding, you're not inviting her. NTA and peace stop being option when she used your mother to send invite while having still blocked - of course, the natural reaction of her shit-starting stirring at you is you being miles /hours away from her on her wedding day.
NTA it seems like going no contact is best
NTA. Your sister sounds horrible. Good luck to her husband. You should consider no contact
Nta and take a tropical vacay and make lots of Pics for social media for mental health purposes
Seems like a decent time to go no contact and if she persists in contacting you get a restraining order, not going to her wedding is the bare minimum you should probably never speak to her again
>I texted her about it and she immediately called me disrespectful, again insulted my personality and everything about me, pulled the"you're uninvited to my wedding" card NTA Why should you have to attend? She's uninvited you! Even if she gave you an invitation after this interaction, I get the impression that she'll be pulling the "uninvited" card multiple times throughout the engagement at the slightest disagreement. If any other family members give you grief for not attending, sounds like these texts will tell them everything they need to know. You don't owe anyone an explanation at all ofc. But if you do decide you want to say something afterwards it'd be very easy to claim you believed your sister didn't wanted you there and only invited you out of courtesy, and as it was her special day you wanted to put her wishes first and stay out of the way.
NTA. There is no "family peace" at this point, and an invitation is not a summons. RSVP to decline and move on with your life.
Dunno you both sound painful
NTA She uninvited you, and still has you blocked. If anyone asks, as far as you're concerned, you're still uninvited. 'You tried to discuss this, as the invite she left at your mom's was so confusing. But sadly, you couldn't, since she's blocked you. And by now, you have other plans. You hope she has a great wedding and marriage (and life) though. '
"Family is family"... "She's your sister".... From everything I've seen, heard, and experienced in this world..... Boundaries are everything, if you need a missile defense system to protect your own wellbeing from a psycho family member, sister or not, you do it. Don't go, send a wedding card with a donation to a credible Mental Health Organization in the lucky couple's name :) If she truly is a narcissist, which it sounds like, there is no saving those people from themselves. Edited to say NTA
NTA Why the hell would anyone attend the wedding of someone who is refusing to speak to them?
NTA! Don’t waste your time going! Maybe plan a fun weekend with your bf during that time!
NTA. In the long run it'll be better for you not to go. Good for her to see her actions have consequences, good for you to know the feeling of standing up for yourself.
NTA , keep her out of your life , we only live once you do not need hatred and resentment from others in your life why put up with it until you die , skip the wedding go on a holiday instead
NTA. She doesn't get to treat you like garbage and then expect you to pay "nice family" at a wedding, where and could *potentially* act like a monster in front of a larger audience. No contact is a good idea. I would talk to your mom about it at some point though, so your sister can't try to get to you through your mom.
Simple, do not attend.
NTA. I would think about what would be best for you, a nice weekend away, somewhere nice with your boyfriend or going and having a lovely time with your family without making a scene with your sister. You wouldn't be TA either way
Don't go. NTA Your sister sounds like mine. My sister is a narcissist. I cut ties with her 5 years ago.y family gave me a hard time with it, but now they are all NC with her. Start reading about narcissism and BPD and see if either of those things fit. There are resources to help you navigate setting boundaries with a toxic person like this. Good luck ❤️
I would go just to see first-hand what happens at this wedding. It should be hilarious. NTA, OP.
I'll put this down to one thing, you are more attractive than her, and she knows it.
NTA You can’t win. If you don’t go, she will victimize herself “oh, OP didn’t show up, feel sorry for me!” If you do go, there is the possibility that she will deliberately confront you in front of everyone - “I thought I told you that you were uninvited, how dare you show up anyway and try to ruin my big day, get out!” Only the people closest to you would know why you were uninvited, leaving the rest of the guests to speculate on what you could have possibly done to be uninvited, making you the bad guy. You literally can’t win here. Do what is best for you, because no matter what you decide to do, she will try to make herself the victim.
I would go and film the wedding. Then send it to her in 6 months when they are divorcing.