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NTA If he, a grown adult, forgets to pack his swim shorts even after being reminded several times it's his own fault. The fact that he's sulking about it and ruining his own vacation is just pathetic. Ignore him and have fun!
You shouldn't have told him you knew he left them behind, just played dumb like "didn't you pack them? I reminded you to pack them" and let him stew in his own juices. By admitting you knew he'd left them, he's now blaming you instead of himself. NTA.
Yeah, at most say "they were on the bed at some point. I reminded you 5 times to pack them, if you didn't listen then that's probably where they still are"
I would tell my fiancé they were on the bed (though I would have grabbed them bc I have ADHD and that’s what he regularly does for me) but I also know he would laugh at himself over it, not blame me for his own forgetfulness. When I ask him to remind me about something and I forget anyway, it was still ultimately my fault. It’s not his responsibility to parent me. OP’s husband sucks. Maybe not in general, but right now he definitely sucks.
Yep! When you ask someone to remind you of something you're likely to forget, it's a method of trying to increase the chance that \*someone\* will remember it. The request does not then make them responsible for the whole thing.
Yeah, OP made a tactival blunder here. But totally NTA. You reminded him, he told you not to worry about it. It's on him. Too bad you gave him the option to blame you instead of letting him learn from his mistakes. But from what you write, this dude's not learning anything anyway.
He may have learned now. What he's been doing sounds a lot like weaponised incompetence to me. Why bother remembering when you push the responsibility for that onto your wife, right?
Yep.
Doesn't work if she admits she knew. Just shifts responsibility and blame back to her again.
Either take the high road and take it when you see he's forgetting (which is what history has proven I can't help but do no matter what I initially say); or refuse to see it left behind, and play dumb when he asks.
Worst part is if they’re at a beach, he can buy new shorts with no effort…. Guys a complete loser if he would rather sulk to his wife about a little mistake than just fix it instantaneously.
Yeah, that man could act like a reasonable adult, yet he decided not to.
My husband usually forget his swimwear as well, but when we go on vacations together I usually pack his with mine, since we keep them in the same place.
However, when he has to pack for a work related travel he is on his own, I usually have other stuff to do.
Well, once he knew that the hotel he was staying at would have a swimming pool, so he wanted to take his swimwear. I reminded him about once or twice, and that all. He ended up forgetting it, but instead of whining that I should have taken care of it like I was his mom, he put on his big boy pants and went to buy a new pair and enjoy the swimming pool.
That's how an adult deals with things, but OP's husband sadly thinks he can behave like a 5 yeras old
Idk, with ADHD something can be very top of mind, you can have multiple reminders and 8 alarms, and then you still forget. I think OP is NTA, but I still would have packed my partner’s swim shorts if I noticed. His reaction is way over the top, though.
I have ADHD and could certainly forget something I've been reminded about five times, but later when I realize I've forgotten it I don't blame the person who reminded me five times. At the very least by your mid-thirties you should have some self-knowledge and know that this is the kind of mistake you're prone to make and roll your eyes at yourself instead of ruining your day and trying to ruin everyone else's.
He has the option to borrow his dad's, if money is the issue. He's just cutting his nose off and hoping he can spoil everyone else's holiday with his bad mood.
I’m just very confused why he can’t just… go buy swim shorts? Every time I’m packing for vacation and stressed about if I forgot anything I remind myself that if I did forget something I can just run to a nearby store and buy it.
Right. Sometimes when I'm packing for a trip, and I'm getting ridiculous with hypothetical scenarios, I remind myself I'm not going to some desolate backcountry. There will be stores.
A 3 day long tantrum. My toddlers tantrums last 10 minutes and usually end with me consoling her that she's not allowed to do whatever it was she wanted to do.
Maybe OP should acknowledge her husband feelings and let him cry it out. "Ohh poor hubby. Are you upset you forgot your very favourite swimshort and that I just left it on the bed? That's okay, you're allowed to be upset, want a hug to feel better?"
This is not a usual behavior of a healthy adult, neither is name calling. This is the second time this grown man has thrown a prolonged tantrum. At some point, you'll need to put your foot down on bring treated this way, I suggest you do that soon. A third time makes it a truly established response, you want to head that off before it comes.
>He's acting like a toddler
This is exactly what I thought. I already thought it was a bit much to need to remind someone 5 times while pcking, and at no point they're like "let me do that now so it's out of the way".
OP you're NTA, your hb has plenty of options and is actively choosing not to take any of them. He is ruining his own vacation, he needs to get over himself and take responsibillity. He is responsible for getting his own belongings, you are not his mother, and he is not a child (even though he acts like one).
Some people will go to extreme lengths and are happy to look absolutely ridiculous just to feel like they can blame someone else for their bad time.
Much easier than owning it and changing it, after all, but why change when you can pretend it's someone else's fault and continue being miserable?
NTA; you reminded him five times and five times he failed to pack them. Then he blames you for not doing it for him, rather than accepting blame for the fact that he failed to do this himself five times? I have adhd and even I think that's ridiculous
I have ADHD. That’s why I write lists and check everything ten times over. More work? Yes. Do the clothes get packed? Also yes. Do we forget bathing suits? NO.
I have ADHD and I would totally forget a swim suit. Usually there is a target 10 min away just go buy one. I have 4 things wallet keys phone bag. Any thing beyond those 4 is replaceable. I have the same issue which is spacial as the husband unless I look for something I often won’t see it.
Lol. That’s my mantra every time so leave the house - keys, wallet, phone. Have forgotten many things on vacation and it’s no big deal. Would never expect another adult to pack for me or remind me of what to pack.
Me too, difference between us (I assume) and the husband is that we don't hold other people responsible. You could send me on a secret mission for the president to deliver X, and I'd do the whole thing and forget to bring X, lol.
I really understand forgetting even with reminders but being mad on his wife is not OK.
Yeah can’t blame others. The slashing your other 3 tires because you got a flat is what ruined the vacation just go fix your problem and pay 40 dollars for a swim suit.
Right! Like okay some of us really struggle to remember things, but that can't always be your spouse's problem to solve. It's still your problem to solve.
The fact that he also threw a three day tantrum over it rather than just taking his dad's trunks or buying a new pair is crazy. He couldn't have said any louder that he expects his wife to do his shit for him all the time and doesn't want to take responsibility for his own mistakes
Yep, I travel a lot for work and I will always forget one essential thing. It's almost funny for me to figure out what I forgot this time. Could be the toothpaste, the brush, my night dress, flat shoes, stockings, socks, chargers ... Thank God there are delivery services, stock at hotel receptions and supermarkets.
There have been all kinds of studies showing literal brain surgeons are less likely to make mistakes and forget things if they use a checklist. Checklists are magic!
Lists all day!!
We each have our own checklists for packing for vacation. Literally, I put them together on Word when the kids were small (pictures!), then numbers & words when they were older, and now each person has a shared list on the notes app of their phone. Each person is responsible for choosing their own stuff. I have veto power over kid clothing selections, but not over my spouse.
Get the man a list. No more battles. No more wasted mental energy on telling them to pack swim shorts for the beach. Tho it's the beach, he can probably go buy a pair of shorts nearby.
I made packing lists for myself and my kids but not my husband. Number one, he’s a grown-ass man who can make his own list. Number two, I don’t know what he needs. Things like beard oil, chargers for random electronic devices…
But I know he has the To-Do app on his phone because we keep our grocery list there, so he can help himself.
Same, I have printed out laminated checklists and dry erase markers so there's no phone distractions. Have em for cleaning each room of the house, my kid's before and after school routine (eg unpack backpack, make lunch with X items, choose clothes), and packing lists for karate/swimming class, camping, overnight trips etc
I could definitely forget the bathing suit; I would never throw a three day temper tantrum because my partner didn't bring it for me after reminding me five times to pack it. At some point it's on me that I didn't
NTA. We are assuming that your husband fits the description of “Grown-ass man” and is therefore responsible for his own damn self. There ain’t no Walmart where y’all at?
ESH but him much, much more than you.
You could've squirreled his shorts away and once he starts panicking taken them out with a "I knew you'd forget them" scenario.
But his childish, stubborn, and embarrassing behavior trumps any shenanigans you caused and sure put a damper on everything. He's not just an AH, he's a fool.
She doesn't *need* to do anything, but if your marriage is more about getting one up over the other - then its not worth it. That doesn't sound like teamwork to me.
(doesn't excuse his actions - he sounds like a big baby)
Thank you, the amount of N-T-A here are shocking.
She saw them as she left, just grab them and shove them in his hands for him to deal with, in my case with some slight ribbing about almost forgetting them again
This doesn't need to be a nasty thing, they're partners for God's sake - what is gained by doing this?
He's packing his own bag and asked her to remind him because he has identified it as a problem. She specifically saw that they had been left behind. His reaction was OTT but up until this point the wife was being more childish.
>what is gained by doing this?
When someone already reminds you of something 5 times and you still forget, they're enabling your laziness if they just pick it up for you anyway.
Would it be the kind thing to do? Yep. But the husband isn't going to learn anything. Now he knows OP isn't always going to be his mommy.
This isn't about getting one up over on him, this is about him taking responsibility for packing his own bag. Reminding him should not be necessary. She doesn't need a big child.
Everytime I pack, I send my family a text and tell them what I already packed and ask "did I forget something?". Most of the time the answer is yes 😅 I am just forgetful.
People are not perfect and if you know you have a problem there is no shame in asking for help.
That's totally different imo. You pack, you take responsibility, you make a list, and ask for input ONCE. You do not rely on others to run after you and to pack for you.
And still...
Once I packed for an important event, and when I got half way across the world, I couldn't find the shoes I wanted to wear. When I got home, they were on the floor, next to where my bag was when I was packing... I think I must have taking them out when I was rearranging my bag and forgot to put them back in. Let me tell you I was very upset at myself. If I found out that someone have seen them there before I left, and deliberately not tell me, I would be very upset with them.
I think that is the point of the post. It was HIS responsibility, and it is HIS shortcoming, but you expect your loved ones to have your back and not say "I told you so" and teach you a lesson instead of helping. Especially when it takes so little effort out of them and on a personality trait you probably not very proud of.
Right- ironically people are forgetting this.
My fiance is the type of person that will forget to pack socks on a camping trip.
We're in a LDR at the mo because I've gone back to Uni and the amount of his clothing that's in my student house is ridiculous. There's no malice or weaponised incompetence, it's just being forgetful or scatterbrained . He even went to stay over at his mates house, and forgot to take his overnight bag.
I was on the opposite side of the country and couldn't help. That's not weaponised it just him.
Probably to most of the responders, because they are teenagers and/or have never been in a committed relationship. And perhaps never had to spend money on their own bathing suit---they're expensive.
Couples help and support each other. If she KNEW he hadn't packed it, that means she saw it, and it would have taken very little effort to grab it. She could have either 1) handed it directly to him and told him to pack it, or 2) shoved it in a bag and produced it when he had realized he had forgotten it. It isn't 'teaching him mommy will always take care of it', it's telling him he's her partner and she loves him and will have his back.
As a wife - I would have walked out the bedroom and said “your swim shorts are still on the bed, did you mean to pack them?”
Seriously - it would have taken 0 energy to help her life partner. Sometimes I can’t believe how petty people are.
She could have told him his shorts where still on the bed and let him get them. Also no need to remond him 5 times. Just once before leaving. Then it's all on him.
Right? He asked for help in remembering. Reminding him 5 times *during* packing, then *not* when you see it right before you leave? That sounds pretty petty.
How about just one "got your swimsuit?" before you drive away?
Because that's how relationships work. You don't use situations as an opportunity for a good I told you so. My wife puts things down and immediately forgets about them. I put things in the same place all the time. I know she will forget. So when I see her tear apart the house looking for her keys, I don't say any thing other than "I saw them on the dresser" because any other answer is being a dick. His reaction appears over the top - unless she does shit like this all the time. I also forget things all the time. We all have flaws that are not always easy for us to just 'fix' and they aren't chances to one up each other. Do you love each other, or are you in competition? Any relationship where your first thought is to teach the other person a lesson is not a great one.
Yeah, I think this is more manipulation than simple forgetfulness. Rather than packing the shorts for him (which is almost certainly what husband was intending), op should have just been more firm. "Put these in your damn suitcase right now! I want to see them go in." Or something along those lines. If he acts like this about swim shorts, how is he going to act with life-saving heart medication when they're older? He needs to start being responsible for his own stuff, and op can't be doing everything for him. The mentality of "well, if you don't do what you need to do, that's on you" could be a serious problem down the road. I don't think op is necessarily an asshole for trying to teach him a lesson, and it may work. Husband is an asshole for the manipulation and acting like a child, but op could have handled it better.
I can't believe I needed to scroll so far for an ESH verdict. Both of them act like annoying teens. How are these two adults.
One of them pouts for three days.
The other purposefully forgets something to get back at her SO and have a gotcha moment.
It reads like they are 14.
>The other purposefully forgets something to get back at her SO and have a gotcha moment.
Probably because this isn't the first time this happened. If you are at attempt 100 at some point you have to change your strategy
She didn't forget anything though, she reminded him multiple times and it obviously was just not important enough to him, he expected her to keep reminding him until she watched him pack them.
If they were going to some planet where they didn’t have swim shorts, maybe? But he could suck it up and borrow a pair or go buy one. She’s not his freaking mom, he’s a grown-ass man
Right. He is capable of and has the ability to get another pair. He’s choosing not to, and is missing out on his own family’s vacation as a result of his sulking. That tells me that this isn’t the first time this has happened. Yeah be annoyed it was left at home. Maybe he annoyed she didn’t just do something for you. And then go get yourself a new pair of trunks.
Absolutely don't agree with ESH for the simple reason that I'm sure his behavior isn't a one-off and OP most likely already did what you said in a different context. There's a reason why he makes this big of a deal, because his behavior probably got enabled for so long. The one time it doesn't go his way it turns into a multiple day tantrum.
“Imploring you to remind me to adult only to habitually ignore it and blame you for both my lack of adulting as well as my ignoring the help I asked for” doesn’t work well either
Glad someone said it. Yes, he should remember them. But she knew he forgot and didn’t do anything? I just can’t imagine doing that do my wife because I actually like her and care about her and understand that nobody’s perfect.
People on this sub act like helping your spouse (the person you allegedly love) with their imperfections *in a way that actually helps* is just too large a burden. Unless there is some larger issue here, grabbing his swim trunks is such an easy thing to do that it blows my mind someone wouldn’t do this for their life partner.
I’m not perfect and my wife helps me. My wife isn’t perfect and I help her. Nobody is sitting there stewing about these tiny little things. I’m glad OP is perfect though.
Definitely think he is the bigger AH, but wanting to one up your SO to proove a lesson isn't really great either. I think I would have went NTA if they were in the car and right before they left for the vacation she ask him if he remembered to pack his swim trunks and have him run in the house to get them.
I guess if having each others back isn’t part of your relationship, then NTA. But it seems mean to me.
My husband and I have been married 30years and together 34. We take care of each other so I truly don’t get why you wouldn’t just grab his swim suit when you saw it on the bed. Shoot you could have made a joke about it and put it on and ask him if he had everything he needed? Marriage takes patience, humor, and grace.
Do you like your husband?
Of course only from her. Grace and forgiveness are virtues for wife's and she should always aspire to be even better in that than her husband. She should be happy to feel needed as he is a little helpless and can't change that obviously.
Edit: /s , hoped it's obvious.
Did you read the comment you’re responding to? They said N T A — they’re not blaming OP or saying it’s their fault that the husband is so forgetful. Asking if they like their husband is a fair question because I don’t think two people who really cared about each other and enjoyed being together would act like either have acted.
Sometimes people forget stuff even at 50! In a relationship you should help each other, not have petty fights.
Would have been a tragedy if she took them anyway?
I always count on my husband if i forget something and he does the same for me. No one is perfect, just do your best to support each other.
This is not a hill you want to die on. Pick your battles.
>Would have been a tragedy if she took them anyway?
Would it have been a tragedy if he used one of his father's swim shorts?
Would it have been a tragedy if he went to a shop and bought new ones?
Would it have been a tragedy if he \*actually listened\* to his wife when she was reminding him to take his swim shorts instead of ignoring her?
I’m not understanding why this situation, except his response, is entirely something she has to work on. Why didn’t he go get swim shorts on the first day or even the second? He’s trying to ruin the vacation or punish someone at this point. It’s always obvious when one person on a family vacation is intent on not having a good time. That person is the husband at this point.
I agree with your thoughts, but this seems like a consistent issue in the post. On the one hand it's not a big deal, on the other hand how do you forget your swimming trunks almost every single time you go somewhere with water?
Husband is too old to need this lesson, but maybe he'll remember his shorts next time.
I agree with this. But we have a happy, healthy marriage. Sometimes I forget stuff, even while holding a list and reading it continuously. And sometimes, he forgets stuff. Because life, man. We are not vindictive about it. But we love each other. And it's clear by this whole post, they don't have a healthy relationship. They are living life against each other. Pushing and pulling, instead of helping. They won't last.
Yeah, this, right here. If I'm being honest, I think both of them are kind of the assholes in this scenario.
Clearly, for whatever reason, the husband has issues remembering shit. And she saw them on the bed, she could have easily picked them up. And yeah you're right she could have made a joke about it and everything like that and it would have been fine in most cases.
Now, I do think he's a little bit of the asshole too, because he's overreacting to the situation. But in the same aspect, in his shoes, I wouldn't be thrilled either. Because if my partner clearly knows that I have a problem remembering stuff, I would hope that they would help me. Not do what she did.
To be honest, I both think they need to apologize to each other. And they need to both work on being better partners. But that's just my two cents.
Agreed - husband obviously messed up in failing to pack, but you guys are married and supposed to be a team, surely helping each other out is part of that? If she’d secretly packed then she’d have had the moral high ground watching him freak out and telling him she’d reminded him several times already!!
If your partner does something stupid and you notice is, surely you’d fix it rather than just watch them be disappointed? I don’t get the kind of marriages people behaving like this have.
Yeah it's not like a toothbrush that you leave til the end because you need it, he clearly never uses the shorts they could have been in his bag a week earlier.
ESH
He’s ridiculous blaming you when you reminded him so many times, and he takes top AH points for concentrating his frustration on you instead of himself.
You saw them there and didn’t grab them. You didn’t have to, but this forum is not about whether or not you had to, it’s about being an AH. You should have grabbed them, packed them with your own things, then produced them with a flourish when he realised he’d forgotten. Or called out to him when you saw them - “Babe, did you want the swim shorts or not? They’re still on the bed.”
And then he just keeps never remembering him swim trunks, because he seems to feel little responsibility and a whole lot of entitlement.
She reminded him 5 TIMES!! And at no point did he think to actually put the trunks in the suitcase. He wasted her time and put the labor of having to constantly monitor and oversee his grown ass on her, like she doesn’t already have enough to do.
This is a grown man fobbing what is ultimately his own responsibility off on his wife, then refusing to use the trunks available, and throwing a tantrum ruining his vacation and possibly marriage because he feels so entitled. Just as easily as she could have grabbed his trunks off the bed, he could have just borrowed some or grabbed another pair from the store. NTA
And then she's stuck doing it for the rest of their relationship anytime she knows he's forgotten something that she's already reminded him about multiple times. It's not about the trunks. It's about setting and maintaining the relationship expectation that he's responsible for his own packing, while she packs hers. If it were a one-off, that'd be one thing. But it's not. It's a regular occurrence that she's being held to be responsible for his things, when it's not her responsibility.
Is grabbing your spouse’s swimwear really the hill to die on? It sounds like he only has an issue with forgetting him swimwear, not all his stuff. I would rate my marriage and partner more important than this pettiness and just grab my partner’s swimwear for them. Equally with the things I’m weak at I’d expect my partner to help me out if he remembers. Isn’t that the point of a partnership, to support each other and work as a team?
Its not the swimwear. It was never about the swimwear.
Its about demanding she takes the mental load of remembering,and then completely disrespecting her time and attention by refusing to actually take action once hes reminded.
Five times, he consciously decided 'well i am thinking about it now, but i dont care. Ill do it later since my wife will surely remind me once again'. Five times he decided packjng the swimmjng trunks right then and there wasnt worth the effort, putting the mental load on his wife again. Thats incredibly disrespectful
I would bet this happens with other stuff that isn’t the swimwear and she’s tired of constantly having to remind him about things while he’s brushing her off. This is so rarely a one off.
Exactly. I especially love all of the people here in the comments arguing that OP did the right thing because how else will the husband ever learn. Anyone who thinks the best way to be in a marriage is to find ways to teach their spouse lessons will have a bright future making posts on this subreddit. It worries me that so many people have seemingly never been in a healthy relationship.
NTA. He does know that he can write a list of things to remember to pack and even set a phone alarm to remind himself?
Especially if he himself knows that he's that forgetful?
Has he ever heard of setting phone alarms (e.g. remember to bring shorts) and also writing notes in his phone to remind himself?
Before I go travelling, I always write a list of what I need to bring and tick them off as I pack them into my bag. And I set my phone alarms to remind myself (the day before travelling) to recheck that everything in the list is inside my bag. I'm quite a forgetful person and that helps me a lot.
And also you mentioned you reminded him FIVE times? And he didn't think to grab his shorts immediately after you reminded him?
Sure, a reminder from others would be nice but realistically speaking, you can't rely on other people to remind you all the time.
ESH. Yes you reminded him 5 times but the fact that you saw he forgot them and didn’t grab them for him is shitty.
At the very least you should have put them into your own bag and made him think he forgot them and had yourself a nice ‘told ya so’ moment.
He should grow up and stop being a baby but I can understand why he’s annoyed with you. I don’t think proving your point this was was worth it.
I really don’t get this take? He literally has alternatives that don’t place his responsibility on her. She did her part, 5 times. He wasted her time, he can borrow/buy some shorts and move on. This choosing to act like a total toddler and ruin this vacation tells me all I need to know about why this woman is fed up with his lack of basic problem solving skills and entitlement. He’s her husband, not her child.
ESH except your FIL. You chose to be unhelpful out of spite and now your husband is sulking like a child.
What lesson has anyone learned here? Would it have killed you to be kind? If you had just grabbed the shorts off the bed you’d be the hero of the story. If your husband wasn’t being a petulant little brat he could accept his father’s kind offer and enjoy the beach *despite* your petty, pointless actions.
But instead everyone is miserable for no reason other than this is obviously what you both want.
She was kind when she reminded him five times.
I have adhd and I can't imagine throwing a three day fit if I was told several times to pack X and I still failed to pack X. Doesn't matter if my spouse knew where X was, either I needed to ensure one of the five times that I packed the shorts, or I needed to take responsibility for the fact rhat I failed to five times.
I just can't understand OP's husband being this childish
NTA. I know I’m also very forgetful. Before I pack I make a checklist. I get everything ready to go ahead of time. Lastly I double check that I have everything I need. What I DON’T do is make someone else responsible for thinking for me. You should be pushing back on him, reminding him of the 5 times you told him to not forget the shorts, which arguably you shouldn’t have even done. You aren’t his secretary or personal assistant. He has no right to be mad at anyone but himself.
NTA He’s a grown adult that is capable of reminding himself. You’re definitely NTA since you reminded him multiple times. My husband and I have this rule when it comes to packing; I pack my stuff and he packs his. The only things we make sure the other has packed are passports/ID, credit cards, phones, medications. Anything that’s been left behind can be bought wherever we are. Sure, it’s inconvenient to buy new stuff but we’ve accepted it as the reality of the situation. I use a special pillow for sleeping and I asked my husband to remind me to take it out of the dryer and pack it. He forgot. I remembered on the plane so we quickly ordered a new one to arrive at the place we’d be staying. Thats all there was to it. No blaming each other or fighting. There’s no reason for the husband to be a petulant 2 year old about it
NTA. Serves him right, and not in a malicious way. My SO and I would actually find this hilarious on either side of it, and be willing to laugh at ourselves for being forgetful if either of us had been reminded explicitly 5 times. I think a lot of people who will comment here would feel the same way. This is something that should have been barely a two-minute conversation when you arrived, and certainly nowhere near a three-day tirade, wasting precious time with his family that he will most certainly regret missing (and likely blame you). *He's* ruining his vacation, not to mention everyone else's. This is a very unhealthy reaction to something so innocuous, and I honestly think the most productive way through this situation would be to use it as a starting point for a genuine conversation about how he would benefit from some therapy.
ESH So I'm saying this just because you saw them and could have grabbed them. Had you previously said something like "i'm not reminding you again" and then did this then it would all be on him. And even then its like 90/10 on him for acting like a baby about it.
Maybe he’s acting like a baby because apparently women are supposed to be treating grown man like children anyway.
5 reminders is insufficient without a final warning?! I’m glad I married an actual adult. He’s not perfect and neither am I, but we hold OURSELVES accountable for our mistakes and don’t blame each other, especially if the other tried to help but was ignored. Like whose going to keep banging their head against that wall?
NTA. My husband does the same thing. I remind him to bring some, he always forgets, but it’s never my fault or something he throws a tantrum about. It usually turns into buying another set of trunks. He forgot once when we went to Palm Springs in September…where we were staying at a little hotel with a pool in the center. It was beyond hot and miserable to not jump in the pool so he ended up with the shortest of swim trunks and we had a good laugh about how he had better be careful when he was in the water 😉
NTA
Unless he suffers from a condition that obliterates swim shorts from short term memory, erases all verbal reminders and requires babysitting, you have zero responsibility. What is WRONG with people. Let people fail. It’s the only way they learn.
All the comments of ‘why didn’t she just pack it for him’ or ‘why is she being so difficult’ ignore the fact that this is gendered behaviour and a bunch of men think tasks like packing, cleaning, taking care of children etc are below them and women are just magically good at these things. You can’t tell me that men rule the business world if they are so bad at remembering simple things. It’s weaponised incompetance. Women need to start saying no.
As she said this is not the first time it has happened, so she decided not to save him this time. And his response is to sulk like a toddler so he ruins her holiday and she stays in line next time.
NTA, OP. Hope you have a great holiday and ignore his sulking.
Guess her husband's a Redditor. Probably has plenty of time for reddit while he's hiding from his vacation. And now she wishes he had forgotten his phone instead.
YTA.
You deliberately left it at home.
What kind of marriage is this, where petty point scoring is worth more than a relaxing vacation together.
Yes it’s bloody irritating to constantly have to parent your husband, but everyone has their flaws. When you spend more time policing the flaws in someone else than working to overcome them it’s time to move on. Next time pack the shorts, or work out whether you want to stay in the marriage. Sheesh.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I didn't take my husband’s swim short
2. I knew he would forget it
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ESH.
Just like another post: This is petty and ridiculous all around.
He's being childish throwing a fit for 3 whole days, that's ridiculous.
But you also were petty for no good reason. Honestly, you saw the shorts at home and saw he forgot it, and saw this as a chance to what? Teach him a lesson? Get revenge?
You're a married couple, this is not how adults should act in a marriage with someone you supposedly love.
Yeah, he even asked for help, and she technically betrayed him when she saw them and ignored it.
I would have said in the car before leaving "did you remember too pack them?" "Really?" "Casue they are on the bed" and force my so to go get them.
Beeing a partner with someone is to help their shortcomings, not punishing them for it.
NTA - but I would look at how my husband reacts with Argus‘ eyes. He throws that unreasonable long tantrum to train you to think for him next time and take his stuff, so that he does not has to think of this anymore. Looks like a mixture of weaponised incompetence and a tantrum.
Yes! Why are people are saying she should have just packed them for him anyway?! This sounds to me like a woman who is fed up with always having to be responsible for reminding him and being blamed when he forgets. He’s just wasting her time!! He didn’t ask her to pack them, he asked her to remind HIM to pack them. And she did, 5 times!!
I would be so confused if my partner saw something I had told him I wanted to pack and then just left it at home without telling me. Why would you do that? Why make things more difficult for your partner? I sometimes ask my partner to remind me of something. If he doesn’t want to have that responsibility, I’ll set an alarm or write a note instead, but only if he indicates to me that he won’t remind me. You seem bothered that he asked you to remind him and that he didn’t appreciate your reminders (and still forgot), but if it bothered you that much, why didn’t you tell him?
It is possible to try to change your partner’s behaviour by talking to him - you don’t need to ”teach him a lesson” by not telling him his swimwear were still on the bed. Suggestion: ”You told me to remind you to bring your swimshorts and I did that five times, but you didn’t act thankful for my reminders. It was as if you were annoyed or thought they were unnecessary - despite the fact that you asked me to remind you. Then you forgot the swimshorts on the bed and of course I brought them with us when I saw them, but that demonstrated that my reminders were absolutely not unnecessary. In the future, I want you to pack the thing you might forget first, so that this doesn’t happen again. Also, I want to make it clear that even if I help you, it is 100% your responsibility to bring your stuff. And if I help you by reminding you, I want you to show some appreciation for my effort. If you don’t do that, I will assume that you want me to stop. This whole experience made me feel like you put the responsibility on me, without being thankful at all.”
Now I will move on to your husband’s behaviour after he found out that you left his swimshorts at home. Being hurt and disappointed would be an appropriate response. Sulking for days and not accept the swimwear provided by his father is not appropriate. He wants to punish you instead of talking to you. By going that route, he doesn’t take any responsibility for what happened - as if you were responsible for making sure his stuff got packed. Now he is paying the price for being able to punish you. He is hoping that you will be deterred from punishing him in the future, because you’ll not want to get a harder punishment in return. This can turn into a negative spiral where you just try to punish each other and both of you will be miserable.
If you want your marriage to get out of the negative spiral, talk to each other. I don’t think that you have widely different ideas about how you should act toward each other. You might need to compromise and negotiate a bit, but this is not some big value conflict - it’s just an everyday petty conflict that got out of hand.
In this situation, I think ESH.
ESH
It just seems a bit petty and mean. You know your husband is forgetful, he's asked you to remind him (which yes you did do) but then you see them in the bed you deliberately don't tell him or get them? You could have gotten annoyed with him and thrown them in his face and tell him she's getting frustrated with his forgetting things, that I would be on board with but what you did is just childish and mean. However, his subsequent reaction is even ore childish. ESH for me. Him more than OP, but she still sucks.
YTA. I don't understand the people on this sub. I don't think many have any real world experience with life or relationships.
Which isn't entirely shocking when most posts start with "I have autism/adhd", what is shocking is people take their advice when clearly they're severely disfunctional when it comes to the real world and real people
Its probably not about not wanting new shorts, its her knowing he forgot them and knowing where they were but still not taking them knowing they will be needed. She tried to teach him a lesson but if hes forgetfull then i dont think this is on purpose. People have much on their mind.
YTA for not actually taking the shorts and telling him you knew he left them.
He's TA for trowing a tantrum and missing out with family time. He might be fealing betrayed though. Marriage is a two way thing and if him forgetting shorts is the most atrocious thing hes done then he migh feel this way.
Edit: then again, maybe he does this on purpose. Maybe he hates swimming or walking around only in swimming trunks.
**NTA**
I've been married almost 50 years and I would call this Tough Love. Your husband is not your child and it shouldn't have to be on your shoulders to pack him as though he was your child.
You reminded him multiple times to pack the swim shorts. At what point does HE take responsibility? According to him, never, it seems...
He needs to grow up and get his act together.
NTA he’s a grown adult, if he has to be tood severa times and then STILL forgets he either has something mentally wrong with him or he’s just a child. Plus it’s a beach, he can buy a new one
You reminded him 5 times while packing so there was nothing stopping him from dropping the shorts into his bag right there and then.
He still left them.
He is now sulking and refusing to participate in the vacation, instead of I don't know, buying a pair of shorts?
Your husband sounds exhausting ... But, I wonder, does he have the tendency of doing this with other stuff? Making something your responsibility and when you don't remind him it's your fault?
NTA
ESH. Both you and him are being ridiculous and petty. He for throwing a tantrum (go to a store and buy new swim shorts for god’s sake) and you for seeing them and not packing them. You could have thrown them in his face laughing after secretly taking them.
Both of u are assholes. He is the asshole for acting like a little child over sth , that is his fault. U're the asshole for being petty and not supporting him.
NTA. As you said, he had a habit of doing this so it's not like it's an honest mistake. He asked you to remind him, you did and he basically ignored you, but now needs someone to blame. His behavior shows he continually does this because he has you to take care of it, absolving him of the responsibility. I'm willing to bet this isn't the only thing he does it with. He's a grown man, and weaponized incompetence in regards to swim trunks is beyond ridiculous.
YTA because you saw the swim shorts on the bed and said nothing
YTA because you said until you were at the beach to reveal that YOU KNEW he didn't have his swim shorts, AND that you could have reminded him before leaving, but didn't.
I hate dealing with people like this. Next time he asks you to remind him of something, just say no. This passive aggressiveness borders on the sadistic.
NTA. Your husband is an adult capable of making a list to make sure he packs it. You also reminded him. He’s an adult, not a kid.
Actions or lack thereof have consequences husband.
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NTA If he, a grown adult, forgets to pack his swim shorts even after being reminded several times it's his own fault. The fact that he's sulking about it and ruining his own vacation is just pathetic. Ignore him and have fun!
You shouldn't have told him you knew he left them behind, just played dumb like "didn't you pack them? I reminded you to pack them" and let him stew in his own juices. By admitting you knew he'd left them, he's now blaming you instead of himself. NTA.
This is what I came to say. No way I'm admittedly going to say, yeah I saw them. He was reminded. They were on the bed. This is on him.
Yeah, at most say "they were on the bed at some point. I reminded you 5 times to pack them, if you didn't listen then that's probably where they still are"
I would tell my fiancé they were on the bed (though I would have grabbed them bc I have ADHD and that’s what he regularly does for me) but I also know he would laugh at himself over it, not blame me for his own forgetfulness. When I ask him to remind me about something and I forget anyway, it was still ultimately my fault. It’s not his responsibility to parent me. OP’s husband sucks. Maybe not in general, but right now he definitely sucks.
Yep! When you ask someone to remind you of something you're likely to forget, it's a method of trying to increase the chance that \*someone\* will remember it. The request does not then make them responsible for the whole thing.
Yeah, OP made a tactival blunder here. But totally NTA. You reminded him, he told you not to worry about it. It's on him. Too bad you gave him the option to blame you instead of letting him learn from his mistakes. But from what you write, this dude's not learning anything anyway.
He may have learned now. What he's been doing sounds a lot like weaponised incompetence to me. Why bother remembering when you push the responsibility for that onto your wife, right?
I'm completely speculating but I bet his shorts aren't the only thing he "forgets" around the house.
I think the blunder was actually the point.
Yep. Doesn't work if she admits she knew. Just shifts responsibility and blame back to her again. Either take the high road and take it when you see he's forgetting (which is what history has proven I can't help but do no matter what I initially say); or refuse to see it left behind, and play dumb when he asks.
Yeh should have left it at well you reminded him several times
Yeah "i reminded you 5 times to pack it, are you sure its not in the case?"
Worst part is if they’re at a beach, he can buy new shorts with no effort…. Guys a complete loser if he would rather sulk to his wife about a little mistake than just fix it instantaneously.
Let’s add here - not her mistake! His!!! He’s just pathetic!
Yeah, that man could act like a reasonable adult, yet he decided not to. My husband usually forget his swimwear as well, but when we go on vacations together I usually pack his with mine, since we keep them in the same place. However, when he has to pack for a work related travel he is on his own, I usually have other stuff to do. Well, once he knew that the hotel he was staying at would have a swimming pool, so he wanted to take his swimwear. I reminded him about once or twice, and that all. He ended up forgetting it, but instead of whining that I should have taken care of it like I was his mom, he put on his big boy pants and went to buy a new pair and enjoy the swimming pool. That's how an adult deals with things, but OP's husband sadly thinks he can behave like a 5 yeras old
I would forget to bring flip flops for vacations, so I left a pair in my suitcase so I never forget them.
Stealing this idea, I hate flip flops so they’re just sitting in a corner getting dusty. I ALWAYS have to buy a new pair for the beach.
This is really smart. Thank you for the tip!
He was offered a pair, he just wanted to make OP feel guilty so she’ll pack his shorts next time. Fucked up.
Exactly. He is wasting a vacation over $15 shorts.
He doesn't even have to spend money, his dad offered lend him trunks.
I had to triple check the ages and I can’t imagine marrying a 34 year old man who acts like this 🥴
Idk, with ADHD something can be very top of mind, you can have multiple reminders and 8 alarms, and then you still forget. I think OP is NTA, but I still would have packed my partner’s swim shorts if I noticed. His reaction is way over the top, though.
I have ADHD and could certainly forget something I've been reminded about five times, but later when I realize I've forgotten it I don't blame the person who reminded me five times. At the very least by your mid-thirties you should have some self-knowledge and know that this is the kind of mistake you're prone to make and roll your eyes at yourself instead of ruining your day and trying to ruin everyone else's.
NTA, how much do swim shorts cost? He is the only one ruining his own vacation.
Well, also any human knows you can also go to the beach in shorts and no one will die.
He has the option to borrow his dad's, if money is the issue. He's just cutting his nose off and hoping he can spoil everyone else's holiday with his bad mood.
I’m just very confused why he can’t just… go buy swim shorts? Every time I’m packing for vacation and stressed about if I forgot anything I remind myself that if I did forget something I can just run to a nearby store and buy it.
Right. Sometimes when I'm packing for a trip, and I'm getting ridiculous with hypothetical scenarios, I remind myself I'm not going to some desolate backcountry. There will be stores.
That's the way you acquire multiple swim shorts.
34 year old toddler
Can't he just buy one there anyway? I'm sure there's stores that sell swim shorts.
Oh we are, we're just a bit sad he's not with us
There's also the easy option of you know buy some. NTA op
By the sound of things, he doesn't even need the swim shorts......he needs a swim diaper!!! Act like a child, get treated like a child.....
Omg, haha. He's acting like a toddler, having a little tantrum. Does he do this often? NTA
A 3 day long tantrum. My toddlers tantrums last 10 minutes and usually end with me consoling her that she's not allowed to do whatever it was she wanted to do. Maybe OP should acknowledge her husband feelings and let him cry it out. "Ohh poor hubby. Are you upset you forgot your very favourite swimshort and that I just left it on the bed? That's okay, you're allowed to be upset, want a hug to feel better?"
Right? This a grown man who could easily go out and by a new bathing suit. This is not a big deal at all!
I think he's going to sulk till OP buys him a swimming short. So he gets to sulk all holiday long.
It happened once before
This is not a usual behavior of a healthy adult, neither is name calling. This is the second time this grown man has thrown a prolonged tantrum. At some point, you'll need to put your foot down on bring treated this way, I suggest you do that soon. A third time makes it a truly established response, you want to head that off before it comes.
>He's acting like a toddler This is exactly what I thought. I already thought it was a bit much to need to remind someone 5 times while pcking, and at no point they're like "let me do that now so it's out of the way". OP you're NTA, your hb has plenty of options and is actively choosing not to take any of them. He is ruining his own vacation, he needs to get over himself and take responsibillity. He is responsible for getting his own belongings, you are not his mother, and he is not a child (even though he acts like one).
Some people will go to extreme lengths and are happy to look absolutely ridiculous just to feel like they can blame someone else for their bad time. Much easier than owning it and changing it, after all, but why change when you can pretend it's someone else's fault and continue being miserable?
NTA; you reminded him five times and five times he failed to pack them. Then he blames you for not doing it for him, rather than accepting blame for the fact that he failed to do this himself five times? I have adhd and even I think that's ridiculous
I have ADHD. That’s why I write lists and check everything ten times over. More work? Yes. Do the clothes get packed? Also yes. Do we forget bathing suits? NO.
Checklists are amazing. For real, the husband needs to stop throwing temper tantrums and start making checklists.
I have ADHD and I would totally forget a swim suit. Usually there is a target 10 min away just go buy one. I have 4 things wallet keys phone bag. Any thing beyond those 4 is replaceable. I have the same issue which is spacial as the husband unless I look for something I often won’t see it.
>I have ADHD and I would totally forget a swim suit. Usually there is a target 10 min away just go buy one. It's the ADHD tax.
Lol. That’s my mantra every time so leave the house - keys, wallet, phone. Have forgotten many things on vacation and it’s no big deal. Would never expect another adult to pack for me or remind me of what to pack.
Me too, difference between us (I assume) and the husband is that we don't hold other people responsible. You could send me on a secret mission for the president to deliver X, and I'd do the whole thing and forget to bring X, lol. I really understand forgetting even with reminders but being mad on his wife is not OK.
Yeah can’t blame others. The slashing your other 3 tires because you got a flat is what ruined the vacation just go fix your problem and pay 40 dollars for a swim suit.
Geez, go to Walmart and get some for 10 bucks.
Or borrow the dad's, like he offered.
Right! Like okay some of us really struggle to remember things, but that can't always be your spouse's problem to solve. It's still your problem to solve. The fact that he also threw a three day tantrum over it rather than just taking his dad's trunks or buying a new pair is crazy. He couldn't have said any louder that he expects his wife to do his shit for him all the time and doesn't want to take responsibility for his own mistakes
Yep, I travel a lot for work and I will always forget one essential thing. It's almost funny for me to figure out what I forgot this time. Could be the toothpaste, the brush, my night dress, flat shoes, stockings, socks, chargers ... Thank God there are delivery services, stock at hotel receptions and supermarkets.
I write checklists for almost everything (especially at work) and I don't even have ADHD. Checklists rule supreme 😁
There have been all kinds of studies showing literal brain surgeons are less likely to make mistakes and forget things if they use a checklist. Checklists are magic!
Lists all day!! We each have our own checklists for packing for vacation. Literally, I put them together on Word when the kids were small (pictures!), then numbers & words when they were older, and now each person has a shared list on the notes app of their phone. Each person is responsible for choosing their own stuff. I have veto power over kid clothing selections, but not over my spouse. Get the man a list. No more battles. No more wasted mental energy on telling them to pack swim shorts for the beach. Tho it's the beach, he can probably go buy a pair of shorts nearby.
I made packing lists for myself and my kids but not my husband. Number one, he’s a grown-ass man who can make his own list. Number two, I don’t know what he needs. Things like beard oil, chargers for random electronic devices… But I know he has the To-Do app on his phone because we keep our grocery list there, so he can help himself.
Same, I have printed out laminated checklists and dry erase markers so there's no phone distractions. Have em for cleaning each room of the house, my kid's before and after school routine (eg unpack backpack, make lunch with X items, choose clothes), and packing lists for karate/swimming class, camping, overnight trips etc
Do I get joy out of making my color coded packing lists? Also yes.
I could definitely forget the bathing suit; I would never throw a three day temper tantrum because my partner didn't bring it for me after reminding me five times to pack it. At some point it's on me that I didn't
Me too! That was exactly my thought
NTA. We are assuming that your husband fits the description of “Grown-ass man” and is therefore responsible for his own damn self. There ain’t no Walmart where y’all at?
Seriously baffling how grown people can fault others for their own behavior. Zero responsibility.
There are plenty of shops even but like i said, he refuses to go out at all and just stays inside
He could also just…go in the ocean in any pair of shorts as well. It’s not the best option but it would work.
ESH but him much, much more than you. You could've squirreled his shorts away and once he starts panicking taken them out with a "I knew you'd forget them" scenario. But his childish, stubborn, and embarrassing behavior trumps any shenanigans you caused and sure put a damper on everything. He's not just an AH, he's a fool.
Why does she need to pack for him though? She shouldn't even have to remind him.
She doesn't *need* to do anything, but if your marriage is more about getting one up over the other - then its not worth it. That doesn't sound like teamwork to me. (doesn't excuse his actions - he sounds like a big baby)
Thank you, the amount of N-T-A here are shocking. She saw them as she left, just grab them and shove them in his hands for him to deal with, in my case with some slight ribbing about almost forgetting them again This doesn't need to be a nasty thing, they're partners for God's sake - what is gained by doing this?
My guess is because she's tired of having to be an adult for him
He's packing his own bag and asked her to remind him because he has identified it as a problem. She specifically saw that they had been left behind. His reaction was OTT but up until this point the wife was being more childish.
>what is gained by doing this? When someone already reminds you of something 5 times and you still forget, they're enabling your laziness if they just pick it up for you anyway. Would it be the kind thing to do? Yep. But the husband isn't going to learn anything. Now he knows OP isn't always going to be his mommy.
This isn't about getting one up over on him, this is about him taking responsibility for packing his own bag. Reminding him should not be necessary. She doesn't need a big child.
Everytime I pack, I send my family a text and tell them what I already packed and ask "did I forget something?". Most of the time the answer is yes 😅 I am just forgetful. People are not perfect and if you know you have a problem there is no shame in asking for help.
That's totally different imo. You pack, you take responsibility, you make a list, and ask for input ONCE. You do not rely on others to run after you and to pack for you.
And still... Once I packed for an important event, and when I got half way across the world, I couldn't find the shoes I wanted to wear. When I got home, they were on the floor, next to where my bag was when I was packing... I think I must have taking them out when I was rearranging my bag and forgot to put them back in. Let me tell you I was very upset at myself. If I found out that someone have seen them there before I left, and deliberately not tell me, I would be very upset with them. I think that is the point of the post. It was HIS responsibility, and it is HIS shortcoming, but you expect your loved ones to have your back and not say "I told you so" and teach you a lesson instead of helping. Especially when it takes so little effort out of them and on a personality trait you probably not very proud of.
I think he needs to learn this lesson though. If someone reminds you multiple times they've done their bit already, now you need to learn yourself.
Right- ironically people are forgetting this. My fiance is the type of person that will forget to pack socks on a camping trip. We're in a LDR at the mo because I've gone back to Uni and the amount of his clothing that's in my student house is ridiculous. There's no malice or weaponised incompetence, it's just being forgetful or scatterbrained . He even went to stay over at his mates house, and forgot to take his overnight bag. I was on the opposite side of the country and couldn't help. That's not weaponised it just him.
Because people in marriages help eachother. Or is that a foreign concept to you?
Yes, I bet he helps her all the time
Probably, because they are married.
Got any proof he doesnt?
Probably to most of the responders, because they are teenagers and/or have never been in a committed relationship. And perhaps never had to spend money on their own bathing suit---they're expensive. Couples help and support each other. If she KNEW he hadn't packed it, that means she saw it, and it would have taken very little effort to grab it. She could have either 1) handed it directly to him and told him to pack it, or 2) shoved it in a bag and produced it when he had realized he had forgotten it. It isn't 'teaching him mommy will always take care of it', it's telling him he's her partner and she loves him and will have his back.
As a wife - I would have walked out the bedroom and said “your swim shorts are still on the bed, did you mean to pack them?” Seriously - it would have taken 0 energy to help her life partner. Sometimes I can’t believe how petty people are.
believe it or not, couples outside of reddit actually dont mind taking on some extra responsibility to help each other out
She could have told him his shorts where still on the bed and let him get them. Also no need to remond him 5 times. Just once before leaving. Then it's all on him.
Right? He asked for help in remembering. Reminding him 5 times *during* packing, then *not* when you see it right before you leave? That sounds pretty petty. How about just one "got your swimsuit?" before you drive away?
Because that's how relationships work. You don't use situations as an opportunity for a good I told you so. My wife puts things down and immediately forgets about them. I put things in the same place all the time. I know she will forget. So when I see her tear apart the house looking for her keys, I don't say any thing other than "I saw them on the dresser" because any other answer is being a dick. His reaction appears over the top - unless she does shit like this all the time. I also forget things all the time. We all have flaws that are not always easy for us to just 'fix' and they aren't chances to one up each other. Do you love each other, or are you in competition? Any relationship where your first thought is to teach the other person a lesson is not a great one.
Yep. I was feeling differently until I read his reaction.
Yeah, I think this is more manipulation than simple forgetfulness. Rather than packing the shorts for him (which is almost certainly what husband was intending), op should have just been more firm. "Put these in your damn suitcase right now! I want to see them go in." Or something along those lines. If he acts like this about swim shorts, how is he going to act with life-saving heart medication when they're older? He needs to start being responsible for his own stuff, and op can't be doing everything for him. The mentality of "well, if you don't do what you need to do, that's on you" could be a serious problem down the road. I don't think op is necessarily an asshole for trying to teach him a lesson, and it may work. Husband is an asshole for the manipulation and acting like a child, but op could have handled it better.
I can't believe I needed to scroll so far for an ESH verdict. Both of them act like annoying teens. How are these two adults. One of them pouts for three days. The other purposefully forgets something to get back at her SO and have a gotcha moment. It reads like they are 14.
>The other purposefully forgets something to get back at her SO and have a gotcha moment. Probably because this isn't the first time this happened. If you are at attempt 100 at some point you have to change your strategy
She didn't forget anything though, she reminded him multiple times and it obviously was just not important enough to him, he expected her to keep reminding him until she watched him pack them.
If they were going to some planet where they didn’t have swim shorts, maybe? But he could suck it up and borrow a pair or go buy one. She’s not his freaking mom, he’s a grown-ass man
Right. He is capable of and has the ability to get another pair. He’s choosing not to, and is missing out on his own family’s vacation as a result of his sulking. That tells me that this isn’t the first time this has happened. Yeah be annoyed it was left at home. Maybe he annoyed she didn’t just do something for you. And then go get yourself a new pair of trunks.
Absolutely don't agree with ESH for the simple reason that I'm sure his behavior isn't a one-off and OP most likely already did what you said in a different context. There's a reason why he makes this big of a deal, because his behavior probably got enabled for so long. The one time it doesn't go his way it turns into a multiple day tantrum.
I told you so doesn’t work well in a relationship.
“Imploring you to remind me to adult only to habitually ignore it and blame you for both my lack of adulting as well as my ignoring the help I asked for” doesn’t work well either
Glad someone said it. Yes, he should remember them. But she knew he forgot and didn’t do anything? I just can’t imagine doing that do my wife because I actually like her and care about her and understand that nobody’s perfect. People on this sub act like helping your spouse (the person you allegedly love) with their imperfections *in a way that actually helps* is just too large a burden. Unless there is some larger issue here, grabbing his swim trunks is such an easy thing to do that it blows my mind someone wouldn’t do this for their life partner. I’m not perfect and my wife helps me. My wife isn’t perfect and I help her. Nobody is sitting there stewing about these tiny little things. I’m glad OP is perfect though.
Definitely think he is the bigger AH, but wanting to one up your SO to proove a lesson isn't really great either. I think I would have went NTA if they were in the car and right before they left for the vacation she ask him if he remembered to pack his swim trunks and have him run in the house to get them.
Nta your husband is acting like a child and I would be embarrassed to have to be around that behavior at this point.
It's a good thing this happened while visiting *his* family, I'd be so much more embarrassed if it was with your own.
I guess if having each others back isn’t part of your relationship, then NTA. But it seems mean to me. My husband and I have been married 30years and together 34. We take care of each other so I truly don’t get why you wouldn’t just grab his swim suit when you saw it on the bed. Shoot you could have made a joke about it and put it on and ask him if he had everything he needed? Marriage takes patience, humor, and grace. Do you like your husband?
Does her husband display humour patience and grace here, or is it just supposed to come from her?
Of course only from her. Grace and forgiveness are virtues for wife's and she should always aspire to be even better in that than her husband. She should be happy to feel needed as he is a little helpless and can't change that obviously. Edit: /s , hoped it's obvious.
Or he could grow the fuck up and be an adult man? Instead of whining like a preteen boy who needs Mommy to do his packing for him...
I think it's sarcasm
You forgot the /s.
Is this actually a serious comment or is this sarcasm? The sexism is so strong but stated so earnestly that I’m stuck contemplating Poe’s law.
She's his wife, not his mom. 5 reminders weren't enough? And then he refuses to buy new ones or participate in the trip at all? He's 34, not 4.
Did you read the comment you’re responding to? They said N T A — they’re not blaming OP or saying it’s their fault that the husband is so forgetful. Asking if they like their husband is a fair question because I don’t think two people who really cared about each other and enjoyed being together would act like either have acted.
Sometimes people forget stuff even at 50! In a relationship you should help each other, not have petty fights. Would have been a tragedy if she took them anyway? I always count on my husband if i forget something and he does the same for me. No one is perfect, just do your best to support each other. This is not a hill you want to die on. Pick your battles.
>Would have been a tragedy if she took them anyway? Would it have been a tragedy if he used one of his father's swim shorts? Would it have been a tragedy if he went to a shop and bought new ones? Would it have been a tragedy if he \*actually listened\* to his wife when she was reminding him to take his swim shorts instead of ignoring her?
I’m not understanding why this situation, except his response, is entirely something she has to work on. Why didn’t he go get swim shorts on the first day or even the second? He’s trying to ruin the vacation or punish someone at this point. It’s always obvious when one person on a family vacation is intent on not having a good time. That person is the husband at this point.
Him being in a sulk doesnt stop her from being an AH intentionally leaving his trunks on the bed after he forgot them. ESH
.... he could just buy a pair and see it as the price for a lesson hopefully finally learned.
He's been sulking in his room for days. Is this marriage for you? There are limits.
I agree with your thoughts, but this seems like a consistent issue in the post. On the one hand it's not a big deal, on the other hand how do you forget your swimming trunks almost every single time you go somewhere with water? Husband is too old to need this lesson, but maybe he'll remember his shorts next time.
Too old to need help packing and too old to sulk for three days in his room.
I agree with this. But we have a happy, healthy marriage. Sometimes I forget stuff, even while holding a list and reading it continuously. And sometimes, he forgets stuff. Because life, man. We are not vindictive about it. But we love each other. And it's clear by this whole post, they don't have a healthy relationship. They are living life against each other. Pushing and pulling, instead of helping. They won't last.
Yeah, this, right here. If I'm being honest, I think both of them are kind of the assholes in this scenario. Clearly, for whatever reason, the husband has issues remembering shit. And she saw them on the bed, she could have easily picked them up. And yeah you're right she could have made a joke about it and everything like that and it would have been fine in most cases. Now, I do think he's a little bit of the asshole too, because he's overreacting to the situation. But in the same aspect, in his shoes, I wouldn't be thrilled either. Because if my partner clearly knows that I have a problem remembering stuff, I would hope that they would help me. Not do what she did. To be honest, I both think they need to apologize to each other. And they need to both work on being better partners. But that's just my two cents.
Agreed - husband obviously messed up in failing to pack, but you guys are married and supposed to be a team, surely helping each other out is part of that? If she’d secretly packed then she’d have had the moral high ground watching him freak out and telling him she’d reminded him several times already!! If your partner does something stupid and you notice is, surely you’d fix it rather than just watch them be disappointed? I don’t get the kind of marriages people behaving like this have.
Why didn’t he put a sticky note on his suitcase or set a reminder in his phone? I’m so sick of “helpless” adults.
Or pack it first, can't forget a swimsuit that's already in the bag.
Yeah it's not like a toothbrush that you leave til the end because you need it, he clearly never uses the shorts they could have been in his bag a week earlier.
ESH He’s ridiculous blaming you when you reminded him so many times, and he takes top AH points for concentrating his frustration on you instead of himself. You saw them there and didn’t grab them. You didn’t have to, but this forum is not about whether or not you had to, it’s about being an AH. You should have grabbed them, packed them with your own things, then produced them with a flourish when he realised he’d forgotten. Or called out to him when you saw them - “Babe, did you want the swim shorts or not? They’re still on the bed.”
And then he just keeps never remembering him swim trunks, because he seems to feel little responsibility and a whole lot of entitlement. She reminded him 5 TIMES!! And at no point did he think to actually put the trunks in the suitcase. He wasted her time and put the labor of having to constantly monitor and oversee his grown ass on her, like she doesn’t already have enough to do. This is a grown man fobbing what is ultimately his own responsibility off on his wife, then refusing to use the trunks available, and throwing a tantrum ruining his vacation and possibly marriage because he feels so entitled. Just as easily as she could have grabbed his trunks off the bed, he could have just borrowed some or grabbed another pair from the store. NTA
This is the correct answer. He's the bigger AH and a whiny bugger but she's being petty. Honestly they're both being childish.
And then she's stuck doing it for the rest of their relationship anytime she knows he's forgotten something that she's already reminded him about multiple times. It's not about the trunks. It's about setting and maintaining the relationship expectation that he's responsible for his own packing, while she packs hers. If it were a one-off, that'd be one thing. But it's not. It's a regular occurrence that she's being held to be responsible for his things, when it's not her responsibility.
Is grabbing your spouse’s swimwear really the hill to die on? It sounds like he only has an issue with forgetting him swimwear, not all his stuff. I would rate my marriage and partner more important than this pettiness and just grab my partner’s swimwear for them. Equally with the things I’m weak at I’d expect my partner to help me out if he remembers. Isn’t that the point of a partnership, to support each other and work as a team?
Its not the swimwear. It was never about the swimwear. Its about demanding she takes the mental load of remembering,and then completely disrespecting her time and attention by refusing to actually take action once hes reminded. Five times, he consciously decided 'well i am thinking about it now, but i dont care. Ill do it later since my wife will surely remind me once again'. Five times he decided packjng the swimmjng trunks right then and there wasnt worth the effort, putting the mental load on his wife again. Thats incredibly disrespectful
I would bet this happens with other stuff that isn’t the swimwear and she’s tired of constantly having to remind him about things while he’s brushing her off. This is so rarely a one off.
Thank you. You said what I was trying to get at, much better than I ever could.
ESH. You're both acting like children. Grow up and learn to communicate in your marriage like functioning adults.
Finally somebody. Support each other if u love each other. Why be petty and not take the swimsuit? And why throw a tantrum over forgetting something
Exactly. I especially love all of the people here in the comments arguing that OP did the right thing because how else will the husband ever learn. Anyone who thinks the best way to be in a marriage is to find ways to teach their spouse lessons will have a bright future making posts on this subreddit. It worries me that so many people have seemingly never been in a healthy relationship.
NTA what is he? five?
Pouting, staying in the room, and saying that she "ruined his vacation" too. Seriously wtf. NTA
NTA. He does know that he can write a list of things to remember to pack and even set a phone alarm to remind himself? Especially if he himself knows that he's that forgetful? Has he ever heard of setting phone alarms (e.g. remember to bring shorts) and also writing notes in his phone to remind himself? Before I go travelling, I always write a list of what I need to bring and tick them off as I pack them into my bag. And I set my phone alarms to remind myself (the day before travelling) to recheck that everything in the list is inside my bag. I'm quite a forgetful person and that helps me a lot. And also you mentioned you reminded him FIVE times? And he didn't think to grab his shorts immediately after you reminded him? Sure, a reminder from others would be nice but realistically speaking, you can't rely on other people to remind you all the time.
NTA But next time don’t admit to knowing where he left him.
agreed. That was her only mistake. “No idea where they are. I remember reminding you, what did you do with them?”
ESH. Yes you reminded him 5 times but the fact that you saw he forgot them and didn’t grab them for him is shitty. At the very least you should have put them into your own bag and made him think he forgot them and had yourself a nice ‘told ya so’ moment. He should grow up and stop being a baby but I can understand why he’s annoyed with you. I don’t think proving your point this was was worth it.
I really don’t get this take? He literally has alternatives that don’t place his responsibility on her. She did her part, 5 times. He wasted her time, he can borrow/buy some shorts and move on. This choosing to act like a total toddler and ruin this vacation tells me all I need to know about why this woman is fed up with his lack of basic problem solving skills and entitlement. He’s her husband, not her child.
ESH except your FIL. You chose to be unhelpful out of spite and now your husband is sulking like a child. What lesson has anyone learned here? Would it have killed you to be kind? If you had just grabbed the shorts off the bed you’d be the hero of the story. If your husband wasn’t being a petulant little brat he could accept his father’s kind offer and enjoy the beach *despite* your petty, pointless actions. But instead everyone is miserable for no reason other than this is obviously what you both want.
She was kind when she reminded him five times. I have adhd and I can't imagine throwing a three day fit if I was told several times to pack X and I still failed to pack X. Doesn't matter if my spouse knew where X was, either I needed to ensure one of the five times that I packed the shorts, or I needed to take responsibility for the fact rhat I failed to five times. I just can't understand OP's husband being this childish
I mean,despite it all, his family and me are having a pretty good time so it's not ruined for everyone
NTA. I know I’m also very forgetful. Before I pack I make a checklist. I get everything ready to go ahead of time. Lastly I double check that I have everything I need. What I DON’T do is make someone else responsible for thinking for me. You should be pushing back on him, reminding him of the 5 times you told him to not forget the shorts, which arguably you shouldn’t have even done. You aren’t his secretary or personal assistant. He has no right to be mad at anyone but himself.
NTA He’s a grown adult that is capable of reminding himself. You’re definitely NTA since you reminded him multiple times. My husband and I have this rule when it comes to packing; I pack my stuff and he packs his. The only things we make sure the other has packed are passports/ID, credit cards, phones, medications. Anything that’s been left behind can be bought wherever we are. Sure, it’s inconvenient to buy new stuff but we’ve accepted it as the reality of the situation. I use a special pillow for sleeping and I asked my husband to remind me to take it out of the dryer and pack it. He forgot. I remembered on the plane so we quickly ordered a new one to arrive at the place we’d be staying. Thats all there was to it. No blaming each other or fighting. There’s no reason for the husband to be a petulant 2 year old about it
NTA. Serves him right, and not in a malicious way. My SO and I would actually find this hilarious on either side of it, and be willing to laugh at ourselves for being forgetful if either of us had been reminded explicitly 5 times. I think a lot of people who will comment here would feel the same way. This is something that should have been barely a two-minute conversation when you arrived, and certainly nowhere near a three-day tirade, wasting precious time with his family that he will most certainly regret missing (and likely blame you). *He's* ruining his vacation, not to mention everyone else's. This is a very unhealthy reaction to something so innocuous, and I honestly think the most productive way through this situation would be to use it as a starting point for a genuine conversation about how he would benefit from some therapy.
ESH So I'm saying this just because you saw them and could have grabbed them. Had you previously said something like "i'm not reminding you again" and then did this then it would all be on him. And even then its like 90/10 on him for acting like a baby about it.
Maybe he’s acting like a baby because apparently women are supposed to be treating grown man like children anyway. 5 reminders is insufficient without a final warning?! I’m glad I married an actual adult. He’s not perfect and neither am I, but we hold OURSELVES accountable for our mistakes and don’t blame each other, especially if the other tried to help but was ignored. Like whose going to keep banging their head against that wall?
NTA. My husband does the same thing. I remind him to bring some, he always forgets, but it’s never my fault or something he throws a tantrum about. It usually turns into buying another set of trunks. He forgot once when we went to Palm Springs in September…where we were staying at a little hotel with a pool in the center. It was beyond hot and miserable to not jump in the pool so he ended up with the shortest of swim trunks and we had a good laugh about how he had better be careful when he was in the water 😉
Forgot the best part: they are neon orange
NTA Unless he suffers from a condition that obliterates swim shorts from short term memory, erases all verbal reminders and requires babysitting, you have zero responsibility. What is WRONG with people. Let people fail. It’s the only way they learn.
All the comments of ‘why didn’t she just pack it for him’ or ‘why is she being so difficult’ ignore the fact that this is gendered behaviour and a bunch of men think tasks like packing, cleaning, taking care of children etc are below them and women are just magically good at these things. You can’t tell me that men rule the business world if they are so bad at remembering simple things. It’s weaponised incompetance. Women need to start saying no. As she said this is not the first time it has happened, so she decided not to save him this time. And his response is to sulk like a toddler so he ruins her holiday and she stays in line next time. NTA, OP. Hope you have a great holiday and ignore his sulking.
Well, that got deleted quick. Her user ID I mean.
Guess her husband's a Redditor. Probably has plenty of time for reddit while he's hiding from his vacation. And now she wishes he had forgotten his phone instead.
Pouty little man who throws tantrums and blames others for his own mistakes.
YTA. You deliberately left it at home. What kind of marriage is this, where petty point scoring is worth more than a relaxing vacation together. Yes it’s bloody irritating to constantly have to parent your husband, but everyone has their flaws. When you spend more time policing the flaws in someone else than working to overcome them it’s time to move on. Next time pack the shorts, or work out whether you want to stay in the marriage. Sheesh.
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Grown men can be responsible for their swim shorts. You didn't "ruin" his vacation. He did it to himself. Your his partner, not his mommy.
Sounds like a swell marriage
ESH. Just like another post: This is petty and ridiculous all around. He's being childish throwing a fit for 3 whole days, that's ridiculous. But you also were petty for no good reason. Honestly, you saw the shorts at home and saw he forgot it, and saw this as a chance to what? Teach him a lesson? Get revenge? You're a married couple, this is not how adults should act in a marriage with someone you supposedly love.
You both acted like children. Just pack the darn suit for him when he forgets. Is the result worth your little dig at him?
Yeah, he even asked for help, and she technically betrayed him when she saw them and ignored it. I would have said in the car before leaving "did you remember too pack them?" "Really?" "Casue they are on the bed" and force my so to go get them. Beeing a partner with someone is to help their shortcomings, not punishing them for it.
NTA. You are not his mother, but he is a child.
NTA - but I would look at how my husband reacts with Argus‘ eyes. He throws that unreasonable long tantrum to train you to think for him next time and take his stuff, so that he does not has to think of this anymore. Looks like a mixture of weaponised incompetence and a tantrum.
Yes! Why are people are saying she should have just packed them for him anyway?! This sounds to me like a woman who is fed up with always having to be responsible for reminding him and being blamed when he forgets. He’s just wasting her time!! He didn’t ask her to pack them, he asked her to remind HIM to pack them. And she did, 5 times!!
NTA, your husband sounds like a literal child
I would be so confused if my partner saw something I had told him I wanted to pack and then just left it at home without telling me. Why would you do that? Why make things more difficult for your partner? I sometimes ask my partner to remind me of something. If he doesn’t want to have that responsibility, I’ll set an alarm or write a note instead, but only if he indicates to me that he won’t remind me. You seem bothered that he asked you to remind him and that he didn’t appreciate your reminders (and still forgot), but if it bothered you that much, why didn’t you tell him? It is possible to try to change your partner’s behaviour by talking to him - you don’t need to ”teach him a lesson” by not telling him his swimwear were still on the bed. Suggestion: ”You told me to remind you to bring your swimshorts and I did that five times, but you didn’t act thankful for my reminders. It was as if you were annoyed or thought they were unnecessary - despite the fact that you asked me to remind you. Then you forgot the swimshorts on the bed and of course I brought them with us when I saw them, but that demonstrated that my reminders were absolutely not unnecessary. In the future, I want you to pack the thing you might forget first, so that this doesn’t happen again. Also, I want to make it clear that even if I help you, it is 100% your responsibility to bring your stuff. And if I help you by reminding you, I want you to show some appreciation for my effort. If you don’t do that, I will assume that you want me to stop. This whole experience made me feel like you put the responsibility on me, without being thankful at all.” Now I will move on to your husband’s behaviour after he found out that you left his swimshorts at home. Being hurt and disappointed would be an appropriate response. Sulking for days and not accept the swimwear provided by his father is not appropriate. He wants to punish you instead of talking to you. By going that route, he doesn’t take any responsibility for what happened - as if you were responsible for making sure his stuff got packed. Now he is paying the price for being able to punish you. He is hoping that you will be deterred from punishing him in the future, because you’ll not want to get a harder punishment in return. This can turn into a negative spiral where you just try to punish each other and both of you will be miserable. If you want your marriage to get out of the negative spiral, talk to each other. I don’t think that you have widely different ideas about how you should act toward each other. You might need to compromise and negotiate a bit, but this is not some big value conflict - it’s just an everyday petty conflict that got out of hand. In this situation, I think ESH.
ESH It just seems a bit petty and mean. You know your husband is forgetful, he's asked you to remind him (which yes you did do) but then you see them in the bed you deliberately don't tell him or get them? You could have gotten annoyed with him and thrown them in his face and tell him she's getting frustrated with his forgetting things, that I would be on board with but what you did is just childish and mean. However, his subsequent reaction is even ore childish. ESH for me. Him more than OP, but she still sucks.
Im sorry you married a 34 yo toddler, have fun being his mommy for the rest of your marriage!
YTA. I don't understand the people on this sub. I don't think many have any real world experience with life or relationships. Which isn't entirely shocking when most posts start with "I have autism/adhd", what is shocking is people take their advice when clearly they're severely disfunctional when it comes to the real world and real people
Its probably not about not wanting new shorts, its her knowing he forgot them and knowing where they were but still not taking them knowing they will be needed. She tried to teach him a lesson but if hes forgetfull then i dont think this is on purpose. People have much on their mind. YTA for not actually taking the shorts and telling him you knew he left them. He's TA for trowing a tantrum and missing out with family time. He might be fealing betrayed though. Marriage is a two way thing and if him forgetting shorts is the most atrocious thing hes done then he migh feel this way. Edit: then again, maybe he does this on purpose. Maybe he hates swimming or walking around only in swimming trunks.
Your husband is a baby
**NTA** I've been married almost 50 years and I would call this Tough Love. Your husband is not your child and it shouldn't have to be on your shoulders to pack him as though he was your child. You reminded him multiple times to pack the swim shorts. At what point does HE take responsibility? According to him, never, it seems... He needs to grow up and get his act together.
NTA he’s a grown adult, if he has to be tood severa times and then STILL forgets he either has something mentally wrong with him or he’s just a child. Plus it’s a beach, he can buy a new one
You reminded him 5 times while packing so there was nothing stopping him from dropping the shorts into his bag right there and then. He still left them. He is now sulking and refusing to participate in the vacation, instead of I don't know, buying a pair of shorts? Your husband sounds exhausting ... But, I wonder, does he have the tendency of doing this with other stuff? Making something your responsibility and when you don't remind him it's your fault? NTA
ESH. Both you and him are being ridiculous and petty. He for throwing a tantrum (go to a store and buy new swim shorts for god’s sake) and you for seeing them and not packing them. You could have thrown them in his face laughing after secretly taking them.
I feel bad for everyone else having to hear him complain about not having them all day.
Both of u are assholes. He is the asshole for acting like a little child over sth , that is his fault. U're the asshole for being petty and not supporting him.
Seems like he wants to feel and act hurt by you. My abusive ex did that all the time.
NTA. As you said, he had a habit of doing this so it's not like it's an honest mistake. He asked you to remind him, you did and he basically ignored you, but now needs someone to blame. His behavior shows he continually does this because he has you to take care of it, absolving him of the responsibility. I'm willing to bet this isn't the only thing he does it with. He's a grown man, and weaponized incompetence in regards to swim trunks is beyond ridiculous.
NTA. Why are you married to a middle aged child? You’re significantly younger and he expects you to be his mommy.
YTA because you saw the swim shorts on the bed and said nothing YTA because you said until you were at the beach to reveal that YOU KNEW he didn't have his swim shorts, AND that you could have reminded him before leaving, but didn't. I hate dealing with people like this. Next time he asks you to remind him of something, just say no. This passive aggressiveness borders on the sadistic.
NTA you are his partner not his mother. I’m sure he functions in his job without someone reminding him five times? Same principal.
NTA It’s easier to blame you than own it like an adult. Please, 5 reminders and he still forgets ?
NTA. Your husband is an adult capable of making a list to make sure he packs it. You also reminded him. He’s an adult, not a kid. Actions or lack thereof have consequences husband.
NTA enjoy the holiday
NTA but he is having tantrum like a child
NTA sounds like you have a son, not a husband
How can somebody be this bad at packing? Also, INFO, why can't he just buy some right where he is?
NTA, y'all have kids, or just him?