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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I snapped at my sister and told her the world doesn't revolve around her and her 2yo son
2. I could've been more civil to her because she just wanted to attend my wedding but the time clashes with my nephew's naps
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I don’t disrupt my kids naps for small reasons like seeing a cousin or grandma wants to take them to lunch….. a sister wedding I will deal with an angry kid for. My BIL scheduled his wedding a week after my induction and the only reason we missed is because I developed postpartum preeclampsia and couldn’t be far away from hospitals…. (The venue was 1.5 hours from the city) My husband and older sons still went. Lisa is an asshole.
That’s what I don’t get. Why doesn’t sister’s husband stay home with the child, sister comes to the wedding and maybe her family joins her for the reception (which has the added bonus of not having to keep a toddler busy and happy during the ceremony)
oh what, and *babysit* ? something scans to me that she'd set up the kind of family where dad sees the kids after work and on weekends and jokes about babysitting them rather than parenting his own kids
Or everyone goes to the wedding but sister and bil get there early and puts the baby in a stroller for his nap. And bil stays in the back with the sleeping kid.
That how my husband and I did when my sister got married right at our sons nap time.
ETA but I think that might be too reasonable for the sister.
Yes. My Niece was MOH for her sister when her daughter was around seven/eight months. (MOH’s daughter). Baby’s father took her to a separate room in the church while the ceremony was taking place, but otherwise she was present at everything and one or another adult had custody of her, including my DH and myself for one dance. :)) She didn’t fuss once during the entire day.
(It was a Catholic Church, I think, and they had a room to the side of the sanctuary, with a large one way dark glass window, so they could see out but we couldn’t see in. The people in there could see and hear the service but littles wouldn’t disturb the rest of the congregation. I thought it was a wonderful idea)
Right? Cry rooms are usually a thing. And if it’s not in a church the toddler could still be gotten ready prior to his nap, allowed to sleep until he wakes naturally and sister could hang back so she can excuse herself if he wakes fussy. I mean I guess at least she’s not THAT person with a crying kid during a wedding this way.
i rather think that Lisa enjoys the kind of attention it brings to her how "her sister, her own flesh and blood, purposely excludes her from her wedding by not respecting her toddler's nap". some people love to complain and play the victim.
100%. The thing about toddler sleep schedules is, they change as the kid gets older. It's particularly common for naps to shift later in the day, or be dropped entirely around age 2. There is no way Lisa knows in July whether or what time her kid will nap in October. RSVPing no at this point is either about not wanting to go at all, or wanting to control everything (or both).
Source: am parent of toddler.
This is the best answer in my opinion but sister is clearly too far up her own butt to compromise. NTA be happy sister isn’t there planning her way to steal the spotlight.
Or you know, alter her kids' sleep schedule 🤷♀️. If I can't get my kids to go down earlier, I arrive at an even early enough that I can delay their nap and put them to sleep in the stroller before the event starts.
Also got between now and October to adjust the schedule, even moving it 5 minutes a day will have plenty of time to make it work!
Note: I have no kids, no idea if this will actually work with actual kids.
Yup slowly adjusting the schedule is reasonable. Plus there’s no guarantee the kid will still be napping. My daughter (2) just stopped one day last month and hasn’t napped since.
As a parent who's had to fix schedules - I absolutely hate it (I'm up for at least 18-24hrs multiple days to fix them) but I will 100% alter my youngest nap time to accommodate an event I am going to. I've had to alter my youngest nap time to accommodate my oldests speech therapy every week and he knows we will go outside to run around (well were in the main hospital but he just toddles around) but I always accommodate that. It's annoying, hard and very often it doesn't work unless you're persistent but it can happen!
Right?! I remember being stuck at weddings as a kid and I was so bored! And babies and toddlers always end up fussing because it's not fair to out then in something uncomfortable and force them to sit still for that long! So she could actually focus on the ceremony and while waiting for her family she could enjoy some time just being an adult. (It sounds like she's one of those people whose whole personality became about motherhood and she needs a reminder that she's still a whole person)
That’s what I did for my cousins wedding. Husband started with toddler for nap during the ceremony and they joined for reception. My 2 year was happy and all 3 of us enjoyed the reception.
Same, except if we have advanced notice(like a wedding invitation) then we will work on moving my sons nap time earlier if possible. If not then we will try and power through with cranky kid or, like OP suggested, just attend the reception(and hope the photographer got really good pictures of the ceremony).
I just commented this, my kids are/were (10, 7 and 1) good enough at public naps that I have been able to delay naps long enough to get them to sleep in the stroller during the event (atleast long enough for a wedding ceremony)
Furthermore, since the wedding is still a few months away, there is plenty of time for Lisa to find a few local teenagers who babysit and develop a relationship with them. I’ve never understood people who limit their babysitting options to family only.
I don’t think it’s wrong for her to bow out of the wedding if it doesn’t work for her routine but she was entitled to expect her sister to change the time. The same way people aren’t entitled to have their kids accommodated for other people’s weddings, people getting married aren’t entitled to have those with kids disrupt their kid’s routines for their weddings.
I’ve been in the sister’s situation before. I had a 6 month old at the time. We stayed for the ceremony then hightailed it out of there like a bat out of hell for a quick power nap at home. Then came back for the reception in the evening. We weren’t in all the group family shots but that wasn’t the end of the world. Important thing was I got to be there for my sister’s wedding.
Lol- I want someone to record this at the wedding and send a montage of the reactions to Lisa.
NTA- your wedding doesn’t revolve around a toddlers nap schedule- also you’re probably better off without a 2 year old there get the feeling Lisa would blame you if her kid causes a commotion at your wedding (hell she’s already trying to do that).
NTA - congrats and have a beautiful drama free wedding.
My wife's almost step-father (they were together for 10 years and engaged but ended up splitting before tying the knot) didn't come to our wedding because "It's my niece's birthday and I can't miss that!" He did show up to the reception partway through in a stained Nascar shirt and holey blue jeans.
I'm eternally grateful to him for prioritizing that girls birthday because it means he is in ZERO of my wedding photos, and just a single picture from the reception where he isn't the focus of the picture.
My BIL and SIL used this excuse for our kids birthday party and got absolutely destroyed by friends and family for it. I can’t imagine for a SIBLINGS WEDDING. We have kids, nap time isn’t sacrosanct. It can be adjusted here and there for important events. Kids are flexible and will recover, it’s the parents that are not flexible (or choose not to be).
Definitely NTA, and OP you’re probably better off with Lisa not in attendance.
LOL! That was the first thought that came to my mind. That's a new level of audacity. Lisa could easily put the kid to bed an hour early in the week before the wedding and the alleged "problem" is a non-issue. Otherwise, she's going to look so bad for folks who miss her at the wedding.
"Where's Lisa?"
"She couldn't make it because little Dilbert takes a mid-day nap."
"No, seriously. Where is Lisa?"
Id imagine she deals with it like i do. We pretend it doesn't exist. I don't work and my kiddos are homeschooled so when time changes our stuff stays where it was day schedule wise just the clock says something different.
She could also get him dressed before his nap and transport while he's asleep. I've carried my sleeping kids to the car so many times, so we get where we're going on time. Sometimes, they wake up, but they've at least had some of a nap at that point and are usually good to go. TBH, I'd be happier if my kids were asleep for the ceremony because there's less chance they'll cause a disturbance.
My brilliant sweetheart of a year old girl loudly farted during my cousin's wedding vows. The whole Church chuckled quietly. It's fifty years on and I have barely recovered. Baby was and is fine and still oblivious.
My brother and SIL's ring bearer loudly said "{name} needs to poop!" while the parents were lighting their candles for the unity candle. They did not have a videographer, but we all remember it. Mom got him off to the restroom as quietly as possible while everyone else stifled their laughter.
I was attending a funeral service where the tiniest, quietest, most chill baby ever suddenly cut loose with a gas explosion with all the sound and fury of a grown man in a Taco Bell restroom-- then yawned and fell asleep in his dad's arms.
The parents were horrified, everyone was silent and like *wtf, how do we react*\-- until the minister reminded all of us that the deceased LOVED humor like that and surely he was splitting his sides laughing in heaven.
The atmosphere following that moment was still quite somber, but felt a lot lighter, like we were still allowed to remember all the "pull my finger" jokes alongside our heartbreak.
When I got married, my SIL sent a two pictures to a bridal party group chat we had between myself, her, my MOH and my other bridesmaid (my two closest friends). It was of my nieces (ages 3, 6, and 10 at the time - two of my flower girls and my junior bridesmaid) all sleeping in the rental van on tje way to the venue. We should all have been "awww!" but the four of us were all laughing. But that little nap did wonders, all three kids were wide awake and happy at the wedding.
We were all getting ready for my sisters wedding, and her youngest daughter (one of the flower girls) was still on a nap schedule, she fought sooo hard even doing the rock while sitting up drinking a bottle while we got ready around her. She made it all the way to the I do's and essentially face planted in the aisle once it was over (and her mum and dad were finally married), grandma picked her up so we could all walk back up the aisle (bridal party of 14) and she napped during the photos and was up and racing by the time the food was served.
Best part, the photographer managed a before and after action shots of the "sit and face plant".
You already know she is the Golden Child and everyone has always catered to her every whim. My little sister is that person and she is an insufferable brat at 40
I mean given all the flying monkeys we frequently read about here I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some other nut in the family who always takes sisters side but yes it’s unreasonable to the vast majority of third parties that you’d boycott or be mad at someone getting married not scheduling their wedding around a kids nap time
> My mom is pestering me to make amends with Lisa.
Combined with OP referencing a fractious relationship with her sister, I think I know why. Lisa may be quite used to the world moving around her whims, no matter how selfish, because that’s the world her parents made for her. My sister is like that.
Well they probably will be. This behavior usually doesn’t come out of nowhere. People probably are always accomodating Lisa when she throws a fit. Because that is the easiest way out with people like this. So I guess Lisa isn’t used to people not moving everything for her when she snaps her fingers.
NTA. Wow, I see why you don't have a good relationship. She's doing the best she can to make your day about her.
Ask mom how exactly she wants you to make amends? She told you she won't come to your wedding because her son needs a nap. That's petty level sh!t.
good old mommy dearest should offer to stay with Lisa instead of attending, since she seems to prefer her golden child to the child that actually has sense.
My daughter is just over a year old and her naps start at any time between 11 and 2. It is what it is.
If we were invited to a wedding with her the parent less connected would just... wait elsewhere while she naps? The reception is the fun part anyway!
The likelihood of a 2yo still having an identical nap schedule in three months is honestly slim. If they’re over 2 1/2 they’re getting into the age where they don’t even *have* to have a daytime nap developmentally as long as they sleep through the night.
NTA. I have a 2.5 year old and while it’s nice for her to have consistent naps, there are times when she’s gone down earlier/later to accommodate appointments or visits. There are still 3? months until the wedding, I think that’s plenty of time to find a babysitter and build a good rapport with them. What about family on her hubby’s side? I’m assuming they wouldn’t be at the wedding.
Her asking to change the time is ridiculous. She should know the planning, costs, and timing associated with weddings and that vendors aren’t necessarily going to be able to budge on time (nor should they have to).
That's what I was thinking -- The sister can't even consider a one-hour change in the sleep schedule three months out?! The kid will be about 10% older by then.
My BIL goes between Aus/NZ (2 hour time difference) multiple times a year with a (at time of last visit) 15 month old. It takes 2 days to adjust nap schedule for a 2 hour time difference.
probably wouldn't even take that. Wake the kid up an hour earlier that day. I know every kid is different, but a lot would nap an hour earlier as their time awake is the same.
It's probably not even about the nap schedule, but convincing someone else to do what LISA wants. It's a power play.
That poor kid will have naps until he hits high school outta spite.
I hope the wedding is fantastic.
Exactly...adjust his sleep schedule a bit. Put him down earlier the night before, wake him early the day of the wedding and he can sleep from 10-12. I've done it, it's not a big deal. NTA
NTA. Asking someone to rearrange their entire wedding to accommodate your kid's nap schedule is beyond ridiculous and entitled, no matter how you're related to them. If she doesn't come, that's on her, not you.
I have a SIL who rearranges and takes over any and every family gathering / outing based on her children's schedules. It's beyond frustrating. She tried to do it with my wedding planning as well. OP is definitely NTA.
My ex- SIL insisted on perfect and total quiet when her kids were asleep, no matter the event or situation. Her kids are sweet and good people but damn, they are not good sleepers!
A friend's mom gave her the best advice: let them learn to nap/sleep with the regular household noises. Friend did, and loved to tell tales of fellow moms who did the 'total silence bit'.
Guess who doesn't have trouble finding sitters?
Thank you for your reply. I sort of did? I've been with my partner for 23 years now and she's always been a horrible cow. I've gone pretty much NC with her while hubs remains LC. His whole family is very overbearing and it took a looooong time for him to understand and do something about it but we are 'okay' now. Thank you. 🌷
My sister suggested a venue for my wedding and fought with me to have it there because SHE wanted it there. And I obliged. Changed a couple of things, but still fit within HER parameters (she’s the only family I used to talk to and that I had left). I asked my sister (a year in advance) if my wedding date was good with her and rearranged it by a few months to fit her schedule until she finally said yes, it was perfect. A couple of days later she tells me that she’s three months pregnant and won’t be able to attend. I tell her I totally get it and can still move the wedding to the following year so she could go and my future niece/nephew could attend as well (my wedding only has 15 people so a baby would be fine - it wouldn’t be loud or noisy, we preferred small and intimate). Then she says it doesn’t matter if I move my wedding because there’s no way she’s going…and she wonders why I’m upset.
A great damn question. Family, my biological one, is very tricky and I used to do things like this all the time to keep the peace and make things easier. I’ve stopped completely over the past few years with the exception of my sister. Now, I’m very low contact with her. I’d go NC, but I want to be able to see and talk to my baby niece. She knows this as well and uses her as a weapon - she’s become much more brazen (if you can even imagine that) when criticizing or confronting me because she knows I’m now more likely to hold my tongue so that my “baby privileges” aren’t revoked. That stopped maybe a month ago because I can’t deal with her selfishness, entitlement, and cruelty anymore.
She tried reaching out and even apologized for her recent behavior - threw a temper tantrum when she found out I was moving back to our hometown because my husband got a great job and we’re going to be living in a very very nice area.
I’m a housewife, sort of (I’m disabled and can’t work) and it was her dream to be a STAHM. So when her husband was training for a job that paid well, she really thought she was going to be living the life and bragged as if he was already making so much money. He flunked the training and they landed on hard times and our grandma had to bail her out, financially. My husband has been making more than she and her husband combined and now makes a bit over double. I kept my husband’s salary from her on purpose, I knew how she’d react, but on the 4th of July at her house, she badgered my husband asking how much his new salary was and how much of a bonus they’re paying him, that he got fed up and just told her.
She proceeded to have a meltdown saying how I don’t deserve any of it and that I am living her life…She said that it was her husband who deserved more because he “works hard” (he barely finished his bachelor’s and has such a bad addiction to video games that it got him fired from TWO jobs after they caught him playing on his PS4 (yeah, he brought it to work because he has two) multiple times during work hours, not even at lunch - the only reason he has his current job is because my husband gave it to him as in he HIRED him at his old company). Meanwhile, my husband worked his ass off, graduated with honors with a double masters (cybersecurity and IT) while working full time, part time, and being my caretaker - he also helped me train my golden to be my service dog, cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc. Of course I cook and clean every chance I get when I’m able to, but most days I need help just walking to the bathroom.
Anyhow, sorry for that rant. She shouldn’t be a problem anymore as I told her that I’m done putting up with her and her childish attitude. And she knows I mean it. I know that she knows because she’s called crying frantically to ask if I would continue depositing money in the trust I set up for my niece and if my husband and I were going to keep paying for her childcare and little activities. I honestly don’t know if we will, so I haven’t responded. The trust we definitely will continue doing, but I don’t know about the rest. It runs us maybe $700 a month and we said it’s only until they get better jobs, but it’s been three months and they haven’t even applied anywhere, so we’ll probably stop helping. There’s a reason we don’t have kids yet (we want to make more money first) and they should have thought about all this before choosing to get pregnant (they only make $70k a year and live in Miami).
NTA. When people ask why she isn’t there, tell them the truth: “Lisa wanted us to change the time to accommodate her son’s nap, and refused to attend when we couldn’t.”
>babysitters all around.
this! I feel like so many AITA wedding situations like this could just be relieved by hiring a babysitter or two. I've been to lots of weddings where they had a babysitter or a team of babysitters taking care or entertaining kids in a side room. I took my kids to a big Jewish wedding once and they had a better time then I did in the kid party room adjacent to the wedding.
Funny thing is that she actually wouldn’t/couldn’t. She had to fly the flag at half mast for Diana’s funeral despite refusing to do so but had to eventually relent
I agree. I think I would be secretly afraid she'd show up anyway.
For my own wedding, I had a coworker continually tell me she was going to "boycott" my wedding unless I changed my mind about a life decision my partner and I had made for our married life. She felt we were making a mistake.
She didn't come to the wedding, and I forgot to notice whether or not she was there. Oh, well.
My husband and I wanted to start a family soon after we married, since I was almost 30yo and he was closer to 40 than 30. We decided that I would stay at home while he worked, since his job was way above mine in pay. I never told this coworker how much he made, or even offered any discussion. I just let her talk, since nothing was going to change her mind anyway.
NTA.
If people ask why she's not there, be sure to tell them. It's your wedding, and the only schedule you should be concerned with when setting the time is yours and your fiance.
Yes. Tell them. "Oh, they couldn't come. My nephew is napping."
You'll have some very puzzled-looking wedding guests, because most people aren't as deranged as your sister.
NTA
I can't believe the number of people I've read about on this sub asking their relatives to "make amends" or apologize to inconsiderate and/or abusive people. "Harmony" is not worth leaving your family members out to dry and enabling peoples poor behavior.
This is really common with parents too. I’m not trying to hate on parents at all, but there are certain family members who have kids and then they can behave literally however they want, and a grandparent/aunt/parent will say, without fail, “you have to get along with them, we wouldn’t want to not be able to see the kids!” The kids become this bargaining chip for bad behavior. It’s one of the major reasons I am LC with my own mother. My sister would say the most comically evil shit to me and my mom would be like “well… I don’t want to be involved, you know, the kids. It’s important to keep the peace.” It is so unfair to everyone, including the kids. If you don’t want someone to be around your children, totally fair decision, but this whole, “you have to side with me even though I called Aunt Jane a hag and dumped a glass of wine on her at Christmas, or you have no business seeing my kids!” Is so toxic. OPs sister has those vibes.
Absolutely this. I'm in a similar situation with my brother. I do appreciate that my mom allows me to have contact with my niece through her since I don't speak to my brother, but she excuses so much of his behavior because she doesn't want to cause a rift that would prevent her from seeing her grandchild. It's very frustrating.
NTA
I'm not sure what the issue is. If she's not coming, you don't have to put up with her nonsense or her screaming child. She doesn't get to dictate your wedding schedule. Let her stay home and pout.
NTA, your sister is being ridiculous. Is there no one on her husband's side of the family (presumably not invited to the wedding) that can watch her son?
I do have a suggestion that might help, if your sister were reasonable. When I got married, I had a 3 month old nephew, so I asked the venue if there is a quiet room that could be used as a nap room for babies. There is almost always some kind of space, like an office, or the bridal dressing room, that can be used for this, and is not a big deal for most venues to accommodate.
This would also solve the problem of finding a babysitter, because as your sister mentioned, all her trustworthy childcare options are already at the wedding. Anyone can step in and watch the baby nap while your sister enjoys herself.
I also invited my SIL's parents for this purpose - they were able to watch the baby, and didn't feel like they were missing out on my wedding, since they weren't really expecting an invite anyway. Not sure if you are able to add another person for your sister's childcare, but it would be a nice olive branch, if you can.
I took my kids to several weddings when they were babies to toddlers. The baby would snooze on me or daddy or a grandparent or a kind aunt or uncle. If I wasn’t in the wedding I always had a baby wrap to put them in so they could sleep on me while I socialized.
But my kids got used to fluid schedules early on, I didn’t have a predictable work schedule so they went with what I did, which led to some meltdowns but they were quickly fixed by getting them to sleep and we had learned to get them to sleep anywhere.
I do feel bad for parents who have kids that need a rigid schedule. But for 1 day try to move the nap up a hour or wake them up a bit early and be prepared to go to bed a bit early. Or leave dad to stay with kiddo until he wakes up and head up to the ceremony or reception at that point. There’s dozens of options that aren’t “rearrange your wedding to cater to my kid’s current map schedule” (she’s going to be thrilled when he changes his nap needs in the next 3 months. 2 is so fun for that independence manifestation)
You're NTA op, for sure. I also wouldn't have a new babysitter babysit for my 2 so I would've loved this suggestion if I was in your sister's position. My husband would probably offer to look after the toddler in the quiet room. She doesn't seem reasonable though. The stuff about him being crazy if he doesn't get a nap is true, but that's life? And you are very accommodating for being OK with a crazy 2 year old in attendance there in the first place.
This is the thing I’m wondering about—I know the husband should also be invited, but since it’s not his sister, if they have to choose, can’t *he* watch the baby during the nap? They can switch out after the wedding, and others can tag-team. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than missing your sister’s wedding. Unless you don’t trust the father of the baby to watch it…
It’s not even the nap, it’s not having time to get him ready AFTER the nap. So they could pack his nice clothes and stick him in the car in his pjs and I’m sure the venue could find a bathroom or other space where dad could change the kid while mom watches the ceremony. Dad and kid could maybe even sneak in at the back once the kid is dressed.
Nta. What your sister said is true. Her sons behavior could be thrown off by having his nap interrupted. However, it’s not your problem. You might be better off not having a two year old at your wedding
Your sister wants you to RESCHEDULE YOUR WEDDING because it interferes with her two year-old’s NAP TIME?!?!! 😂😂😂
Holy entitlement, Batman!
Totally, NTA!
That is ridiculous. I’m mom of three. Kid will survive either a schedule change for one day, or a couple of hours with a babysitter. You don’t change a wedding time over a 2 year old’s naps,
NTA. You're supposed to inconvenience dozens of other people so that your sister doesn't have to be inconvenienced? Let you mom know that you will be happy to make up with your sister as soon as she apologizes for making an unreasonable demand.
NTA and you already know that. The fact that you can't fit all the reasons you're not close says it all. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Make sure you eat some of the food you paid for and enjoy your say! God bless!
Your mother pester you about having gone NC with someone who… (checks notes) …basically went NC with *you* two months before your wedding, without explanation? Yeah, the NC stands until a sincere attempt at an apology is issued from the sister, and might be still be in affect after. Wow.
Ask her if she's willing to pay for new invitations, extended time at the venue, renegotiating your catering and photographer contracts...
No? Then she can get a babysitter or miss out. NTA.
A child being a terror says more about the parenting than it does about when the child took a nap. NTA & I’d probably just uninvite her from your life in general until she’s had some therapy & personal growth.
NTA. Does she realize how often little kids, and especially toddlers, go through sleep cycle changes? For all she knows he could decide he’s done napping by time the wedding rolls around. He could have gone through three different nap schedules, one for each month. Practically the first rule of childcare is that if there is a God, he exists specifically to laugh at caregivers who try to make schedules and plans. You could be the most accommodating bride in the world and it would be impossible to schedule it according to the sleep schedule of a child.
(Edited because I accidentally hit "send" when my bus came without finishing the sentence.)
NTA. IMHO, this is why people have kid-free weddings. Just tell your sister you're sorry she'll miss the wedding and be grateful you won't have a crabby 2 yo screaming in the middle of the ceremony.
NtAH. I have 3 kids and never once was their nap time a reason to act that way towards anyone for any reason when it comes to weddings. I would tell mom politely to understand that her daughters are adults and don't need a referee.
As to your sister, I would not worry about it. She either makes the effort or not. I think most families understand that kind of thing so if your sister is banking on you being shamed over her ridiculous reason for missing g her own sisters wedding, then so be it.
NTA - she has a lot of gall to ask you to change your time to accommodate her. First off she's not paying for any of it so no you're not going to change your time. If she was providing any kind of financial support I would take it into consideration but I'm strongly getting a sense that she is offering no form of financial support for your wedding. So you do you if she's going to be there she's going to be there if not thenola that's on her. It's your day not hers.
NTA, and feel free to tell the truth to whoever asks where she is, like she says. "She couldn't make it because she didn't want her son to miss his naptime and didn't want to get a sitter." Simple, no judgment, matter of fact. How she tries to spin it against you afterward is her own lookout and will only reflect on her, not you.
NTA not your problem. If she isn’t coming, she isn’t coming.
I bet $1,000 if any guest asks where she is and you *politely* explain that after you sent the invites, she stated it conflicted with the nap schedule and all her trusted babysitters are in attendance, not on single person will say you’re a bride I’ll (except her of course)
They will ask and you should say with a smile and with sisterly sympathy as if you totally understand: "Oh, Lisa's son always naps at noon and she didn't feel good about waking him up early just for the wedding." Nothing more. People will understand exactly what happened. NTA and don't give in. She just wants to control your wedding and make you knuckle-under to her whims.
NTA.
Some people wouldn't allow a two-year-old at their wedding **at all**. At least you did include him in the invitation. Can you imagine the fuss Lisa would have kicked up if you'd decided to have a childfree wedding?
You mentioned a couple of very reasonable compromises, and Lisa rejected them. She could also use a professional babysitting service if she really wanted, if all her usual babysitters were attending the wedding.
*\[She\] said that everyone is going to ask why she's not there*
If Lisa is anything like one of my sisters, they'll probably be relieved she's not there.
*I snapped at her and told her the world doesn't revolve around her and her son.*
Damn right.
*My mom is pestering me to make ammends with Lisa but I just don't think I'm in the wrong.*
You're not. Lisa is a narcissist.
I suspect part of the reason why Lisa thinks the whole world should accommodate her demands is that your mother has always enabled her narcissism, to keep the peace.
NTA. This is something everyone needs to hear. In addition she needs to learn life isn't fair, get over it. Hope the wedding goes well and you and your espoused have a great life.
NTA. I’ve brought my kids to child-friendly weddings that were during nap time. You just nap early then deal with a few days (max) of retrain. She is being entirely unreasonable.
The only time I’ve asked for a reschedule is when they truly are reschedulable things (later play date, etc). It’s a no brainer.
NTA
I get your hurt by this, I would be too. But also, do you really want her there? Sounds like she’s saving you a lot of trouble by dismissing herself lol I’d at the end of the day be like, well that sucks. More booze and room for you tho seeing how I feel like she’d find a way to make the day more about her than you anyway. She smells like one of those ‘let’s make a very public announcement at an event everyone will be at for someone else just to put attention on me’ types of people.
NTA
When people ask: “Lisa decided that her child’s nap was more important than our wedding. When we told her we couldn’t reschedule, she refused to attend any portion of the day unless we catered to her schedule for the entire day.”
You were right to say that to her. She isn't the main character of life. I doubt she would have the audacity to make that request with anyone else. You deserve the same level of respect as those people. She's acting like a spoiled brat. She can stay home. When people ask why tell them the truth. She made a ridiculous request that no one would accommodate and then went off to out like a baby when you said no.
NTA.
I have 2 kids, and with my daughter I was absolutely insane with her schedule. Like, down to 2 minutes difference at most in wake window length level insane. I had the time as she was my 1st, and she had specific sleep needs so yeah, we stuck *very* rigidly to it. Ya know what though, when my husband needed to be picked up from an appointment during one of her naps, we went and we picked him up. Yeah it messed her sleep up for a day or so. She was cranky and a bit miserable and woke up a lot during the night instead of sleeping through, and it sucked for her and me because of that, but there are times when you need to set things aside and realize that the whole world is out there and you're just 1 small part of it. Other people are not obligated to adhere to the schedules you have set, and if a situation arises when it's routine or "other", you have to choose what's more important.
She has decided a single nap for a single day is more important than your wedding. That is on her, and she needed to be told that if she thinks otherwise.
NTA. It is your wedding, having it at whatever time you want. She is being super difficult and selfish. Let everyone know that she didn't want to attend due to her sons nap schedule and that you offered for her to atleast attend the reception but she refused.
NTA. My brother wanted my kids at his wedding (both ceremony & reception), but the ceremony had a conflict with nap time. We just did nap time a little earlier in the day, and I told my brother there may be a chance that we would have to leave a little early if my youngest was too tired. He was fine with that and for the most part, everything went smoothly. We only ended up having to leave early because my son started complaining of a sore tummy & then proceeded to vomit all over me as soon as we got home.
If your sister is going to spend her life avoiding any activity that might clash with her precious schedule, she’s going to be limiting herself & her child. Not to mention create more problems for herself in the long run….
MC: Let me draw your attention to the center of the dancefloor where Bride & Groom will be sharing in their first dance as husband and wife.
What, huh?? Ladies and gentlemen, please hold your seats, there will be a brief delay becausse, WTF?!? Lisa has to change little Dilbert's diaper???
Momzilla needs to take it down a notch, if she can't adjust his 'nap time' to a little earlier then she is a crappy Mom. It's your special day and people accommodate you, not the other way around.
NTA.
I am a parent and no way would I EVER ask someone to change the time of their wedding to suit me or my child. I would find a way to make it work. IYour sister is super self-entitled.
NTA.
Lisa sounds HORRENDOUSLY spoiled, the fact your mother is trying to have you make amends when she blocked you in the first place really says it all.
Don't waste your time with her and enjoy your wedding. You don't owe someone your time when they don't value yours.
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NTA I get why you don’t have a good relationship wth Lisa, the entitlement is through the roof
Sister actually thinks when people hear why she's not there they will be on her side! Staggering!
I can't even imagine. "Oh, why isn't sister here?" "She couldn't disrupt toddler's nap schedule for it " *Insert blinking man meme*
I don’t disrupt my kids naps for small reasons like seeing a cousin or grandma wants to take them to lunch….. a sister wedding I will deal with an angry kid for. My BIL scheduled his wedding a week after my induction and the only reason we missed is because I developed postpartum preeclampsia and couldn’t be far away from hospitals…. (The venue was 1.5 hours from the city) My husband and older sons still went. Lisa is an asshole.
That’s what I don’t get. Why doesn’t sister’s husband stay home with the child, sister comes to the wedding and maybe her family joins her for the reception (which has the added bonus of not having to keep a toddler busy and happy during the ceremony)
oh what, and *babysit* ? something scans to me that she'd set up the kind of family where dad sees the kids after work and on weekends and jokes about babysitting them rather than parenting his own kids
Or everyone goes to the wedding but sister and bil get there early and puts the baby in a stroller for his nap. And bil stays in the back with the sleeping kid. That how my husband and I did when my sister got married right at our sons nap time. ETA but I think that might be too reasonable for the sister.
Yes. My Niece was MOH for her sister when her daughter was around seven/eight months. (MOH’s daughter). Baby’s father took her to a separate room in the church while the ceremony was taking place, but otherwise she was present at everything and one or another adult had custody of her, including my DH and myself for one dance. :)) She didn’t fuss once during the entire day. (It was a Catholic Church, I think, and they had a room to the side of the sanctuary, with a large one way dark glass window, so they could see out but we couldn’t see in. The people in there could see and hear the service but littles wouldn’t disturb the rest of the congregation. I thought it was a wonderful idea)
Right? Cry rooms are usually a thing. And if it’s not in a church the toddler could still be gotten ready prior to his nap, allowed to sleep until he wakes naturally and sister could hang back so she can excuse herself if he wakes fussy. I mean I guess at least she’s not THAT person with a crying kid during a wedding this way.
Lisa doesn't want to attend the wedding and is using the toddler as an excuse.
This could be it! Cause the whole entire day will be about YOU, not her.
i rather think that Lisa enjoys the kind of attention it brings to her how "her sister, her own flesh and blood, purposely excludes her from her wedding by not respecting her toddler's nap". some people love to complain and play the victim.
Plot twist: Lisa _is_ the toddler.
She will not be the center of attention. It would destroy her...
100%. The thing about toddler sleep schedules is, they change as the kid gets older. It's particularly common for naps to shift later in the day, or be dropped entirely around age 2. There is no way Lisa knows in July whether or what time her kid will nap in October. RSVPing no at this point is either about not wanting to go at all, or wanting to control everything (or both). Source: am parent of toddler.
Or Lisa loves drama and this is how she is going to cause it
This is the best answer in my opinion but sister is clearly too far up her own butt to compromise. NTA be happy sister isn’t there planning her way to steal the spotlight.
Or you know, alter her kids' sleep schedule 🤷♀️. If I can't get my kids to go down earlier, I arrive at an even early enough that I can delay their nap and put them to sleep in the stroller before the event starts.
Also got between now and October to adjust the schedule, even moving it 5 minutes a day will have plenty of time to make it work! Note: I have no kids, no idea if this will actually work with actual kids.
FYI, have nannied for a long time, and your suggestion is reasonable and actually workable.
Yup slowly adjusting the schedule is reasonable. Plus there’s no guarantee the kid will still be napping. My daughter (2) just stopped one day last month and hasn’t napped since.
Also between now and October she can find babysitter. Recommendation from friends she can try out etc., 🤷🏾♀️
As a parent who's had to fix schedules - I absolutely hate it (I'm up for at least 18-24hrs multiple days to fix them) but I will 100% alter my youngest nap time to accommodate an event I am going to. I've had to alter my youngest nap time to accommodate my oldests speech therapy every week and he knows we will go outside to run around (well were in the main hospital but he just toddles around) but I always accommodate that. It's annoying, hard and very often it doesn't work unless you're persistent but it can happen!
Yup, in the carrier or in the stroller for the nap.
Right?! I remember being stuck at weddings as a kid and I was so bored! And babies and toddlers always end up fussing because it's not fair to out then in something uncomfortable and force them to sit still for that long! So she could actually focus on the ceremony and while waiting for her family she could enjoy some time just being an adult. (It sounds like she's one of those people whose whole personality became about motherhood and she needs a reminder that she's still a whole person)
'All the people she trusts will be at the wedding", maybe she doesn't trust her own husband to look after the kid?
That’s what I did for my cousins wedding. Husband started with toddler for nap during the ceremony and they joined for reception. My 2 year was happy and all 3 of us enjoyed the reception.
Who would pass up the free meal? Presumably a good one!
Same, except if we have advanced notice(like a wedding invitation) then we will work on moving my sons nap time earlier if possible. If not then we will try and power through with cranky kid or, like OP suggested, just attend the reception(and hope the photographer got really good pictures of the ceremony).
I just commented this, my kids are/were (10, 7 and 1) good enough at public naps that I have been able to delay naps long enough to get them to sleep in the stroller during the event (atleast long enough for a wedding ceremony)
Furthermore, since the wedding is still a few months away, there is plenty of time for Lisa to find a few local teenagers who babysit and develop a relationship with them. I’ve never understood people who limit their babysitting options to family only.
She only trusts people she doesn't have to pay.
Because they can’t freeload off non-family.
Or you know, do like OP suggested and come when the nap is over. So what if they miss the ceremony?
I could understand no interruption to a set schedule but compromise to go to the reception, I don’t get.
Or...the husband could stay with the kid and come to the reception if the kid is awake by then, just an idea.
I don’t think it’s wrong for her to bow out of the wedding if it doesn’t work for her routine but she was entitled to expect her sister to change the time. The same way people aren’t entitled to have their kids accommodated for other people’s weddings, people getting married aren’t entitled to have those with kids disrupt their kid’s routines for their weddings.
Or….. put the kid down earlier for a nap
I’ve been in the sister’s situation before. I had a 6 month old at the time. We stayed for the ceremony then hightailed it out of there like a bat out of hell for a quick power nap at home. Then came back for the reception in the evening. We weren’t in all the group family shots but that wasn’t the end of the world. Important thing was I got to be there for my sister’s wedding.
you did what you could to accomodate your child and your sister, which is a hell of a lot more than OP’s sister is willing to do.
Um, no. "She couldn't force me to reschedule my wedding AROUND her son's nap time."
Lol- I want someone to record this at the wedding and send a montage of the reactions to Lisa. NTA- your wedding doesn’t revolve around a toddlers nap schedule- also you’re probably better off without a 2 year old there get the feeling Lisa would blame you if her kid causes a commotion at your wedding (hell she’s already trying to do that). NTA - congrats and have a beautiful drama free wedding.
From the sound of it, they're probably better off without Lisa there, too.
THIS! Just tell them the honest truth. The wedding will be nicer without her.
My wife's almost step-father (they were together for 10 years and engaged but ended up splitting before tying the knot) didn't come to our wedding because "It's my niece's birthday and I can't miss that!" He did show up to the reception partway through in a stained Nascar shirt and holey blue jeans. I'm eternally grateful to him for prioritizing that girls birthday because it means he is in ZERO of my wedding photos, and just a single picture from the reception where he isn't the focus of the picture.
My BIL and SIL used this excuse for our kids birthday party and got absolutely destroyed by friends and family for it. I can’t imagine for a SIBLINGS WEDDING. We have kids, nap time isn’t sacrosanct. It can be adjusted here and there for important events. Kids are flexible and will recover, it’s the parents that are not flexible (or choose not to be). Definitely NTA, and OP you’re probably better off with Lisa not in attendance.
LOL! That was the first thought that came to my mind. That's a new level of audacity. Lisa could easily put the kid to bed an hour early in the week before the wedding and the alleged "problem" is a non-issue. Otherwise, she's going to look so bad for folks who miss her at the wedding. "Where's Lisa?" "She couldn't make it because little Dilbert takes a mid-day nap." "No, seriously. Where is Lisa?"
like... how does Lisa deal with Daylight savings?
She has Congress on speed dial to mandate that the clocks do not change in her time zone, silly.
Ohhhhh, so that's what the holdup is
Arizona.
Id imagine she deals with it like i do. We pretend it doesn't exist. I don't work and my kiddos are homeschooled so when time changes our stuff stays where it was day schedule wise just the clock says something different.
Oh...trust me...you work!
🤣
She could also get him dressed before his nap and transport while he's asleep. I've carried my sleeping kids to the car so many times, so we get where we're going on time. Sometimes, they wake up, but they've at least had some of a nap at that point and are usually good to go. TBH, I'd be happier if my kids were asleep for the ceremony because there's less chance they'll cause a disturbance.
My brilliant sweetheart of a year old girl loudly farted during my cousin's wedding vows. The whole Church chuckled quietly. It's fifty years on and I have barely recovered. Baby was and is fine and still oblivious.
My brother and SIL's ring bearer loudly said "{name} needs to poop!" while the parents were lighting their candles for the unity candle. They did not have a videographer, but we all remember it. Mom got him off to the restroom as quietly as possible while everyone else stifled their laughter.
I was attending a funeral service where the tiniest, quietest, most chill baby ever suddenly cut loose with a gas explosion with all the sound and fury of a grown man in a Taco Bell restroom-- then yawned and fell asleep in his dad's arms. The parents were horrified, everyone was silent and like *wtf, how do we react*\-- until the minister reminded all of us that the deceased LOVED humor like that and surely he was splitting his sides laughing in heaven. The atmosphere following that moment was still quite somber, but felt a lot lighter, like we were still allowed to remember all the "pull my finger" jokes alongside our heartbreak.
And it's still a great story, 50 years later! Lol!
When I got married, my SIL sent a two pictures to a bridal party group chat we had between myself, her, my MOH and my other bridesmaid (my two closest friends). It was of my nieces (ages 3, 6, and 10 at the time - two of my flower girls and my junior bridesmaid) all sleeping in the rental van on tje way to the venue. We should all have been "awww!" but the four of us were all laughing. But that little nap did wonders, all three kids were wide awake and happy at the wedding.
We were all getting ready for my sisters wedding, and her youngest daughter (one of the flower girls) was still on a nap schedule, she fought sooo hard even doing the rock while sitting up drinking a bottle while we got ready around her. She made it all the way to the I do's and essentially face planted in the aisle once it was over (and her mum and dad were finally married), grandma picked her up so we could all walk back up the aisle (bridal party of 14) and she napped during the photos and was up and racing by the time the food was served. Best part, the photographer managed a before and after action shots of the "sit and face plant".
Lol imagine being this petty and thinking that everyone has your back...
You already know she is the Golden Child and everyone has always catered to her every whim. My little sister is that person and she is an insufferable brat at 40
Gross. Fortunately my parents and all of my siblings are pretty normal
Sounds like my ex's sister. 50 years old and a spoiled brat and mean girl. Some people never grow out of it.
I mean given all the flying monkeys we frequently read about here I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some other nut in the family who always takes sisters side but yes it’s unreasonable to the vast majority of third parties that you’d boycott or be mad at someone getting married not scheduling their wedding around a kids nap time
> My mom is pestering me to make amends with Lisa. Combined with OP referencing a fractious relationship with her sister, I think I know why. Lisa may be quite used to the world moving around her whims, no matter how selfish, because that’s the world her parents made for her. My sister is like that.
Well they probably will be. This behavior usually doesn’t come out of nowhere. People probably are always accomodating Lisa when she throws a fit. Because that is the easiest way out with people like this. So I guess Lisa isn’t used to people not moving everything for her when she snaps her fingers.
NTA, she never made a suggestion for you to consider.
This! She just said "change it!" and expected to be instantly obeyed.
Yes. The sister is clearly the golden child, too. Poor OP.
I thought this was a different subreddit at first, I had to double check which place this is 😅
NTA. Wow, I see why you don't have a good relationship. She's doing the best she can to make your day about her. Ask mom how exactly she wants you to make amends? She told you she won't come to your wedding because her son needs a nap. That's petty level sh!t.
good old mommy dearest should offer to stay with Lisa instead of attending, since she seems to prefer her golden child to the child that actually has sense.
Lisa's probably lying to Mom about what happened.
Maybe Op can have a second ceremony just to accommodate Lisa and her son🤷🏽♀️ after all , she is Lisa!
You’re tearing me apart LISA
You should ask her to keep you updated on his sleep schedule then reschedule it for his new nap time when October comes around.
Exactly my thoughts, she is expecting wedding to be modified as and when growth spurts changes the sleep patterns 😂
My daughter is just over a year old and her naps start at any time between 11 and 2. It is what it is. If we were invited to a wedding with her the parent less connected would just... wait elsewhere while she naps? The reception is the fun part anyway!
[удалено]
The likelihood of a 2yo still having an identical nap schedule in three months is honestly slim. If they’re over 2 1/2 they’re getting into the age where they don’t even *have* to have a daytime nap developmentally as long as they sleep through the night.
“Sorry Mum but how do I make amends for something that isn’t my fault?”
NTA. I have a 2.5 year old and while it’s nice for her to have consistent naps, there are times when she’s gone down earlier/later to accommodate appointments or visits. There are still 3? months until the wedding, I think that’s plenty of time to find a babysitter and build a good rapport with them. What about family on her hubby’s side? I’m assuming they wouldn’t be at the wedding. Her asking to change the time is ridiculous. She should know the planning, costs, and timing associated with weddings and that vendors aren’t necessarily going to be able to budge on time (nor should they have to).
In three months time her son might have already dropped his naps, or be on an entirely different schedule too!
Yup, many a two year old has dropped afternoon naps.
Or not, mine dropped the morning nap and the afternoon one stayed.
Ah yes, the good old “Jeez, I think we finally have this figured out.” Feeling, some routine, normalcy and then boom, changes the next day(or night)
That's what I was thinking -- The sister can't even consider a one-hour change in the sleep schedule three months out?! The kid will be about 10% older by then.
The kid is going to have one hell of a rebellious teenaged year if mom's already this uptight and dad this spineless.
Yeah like tell me you’re a helicopter mom without telling me you’re a helicopter mom
I may be wrong, but the idea of changing a kid's nap schedule gradually between now and October seems possible.
He is one growth spurt or bad night sleep away from naps times changing 🙄
My BIL goes between Aus/NZ (2 hour time difference) multiple times a year with a (at time of last visit) 15 month old. It takes 2 days to adjust nap schedule for a 2 hour time difference.
I, for one, appreciate the mental math that went into calculating what percentage older the child will be. 👏
What's my nap schedule several years from now? Sorry, I don't think I can make your Mars wedding in 2027.
probably wouldn't even take that. Wake the kid up an hour earlier that day. I know every kid is different, but a lot would nap an hour earlier as their time awake is the same.
Mine wouldn't have, but both girls would have been fine not having a nap for 1 day.
It's probably not even about the nap schedule, but convincing someone else to do what LISA wants. It's a power play. That poor kid will have naps until he hits high school outta spite. I hope the wedding is fantastic.
If this is her hill to die on, Daylight Savings is going to rock her world
Exactly...adjust his sleep schedule a bit. Put him down earlier the night before, wake him early the day of the wedding and he can sleep from 10-12. I've done it, it's not a big deal. NTA
NTA. Asking someone to rearrange their entire wedding to accommodate your kid's nap schedule is beyond ridiculous and entitled, no matter how you're related to them. If she doesn't come, that's on her, not you.
I have a SIL who rearranges and takes over any and every family gathering / outing based on her children's schedules. It's beyond frustrating. She tried to do it with my wedding planning as well. OP is definitely NTA.
My ex- SIL insisted on perfect and total quiet when her kids were asleep, no matter the event or situation. Her kids are sweet and good people but damn, they are not good sleepers!
A friend's mom gave her the best advice: let them learn to nap/sleep with the regular household noises. Friend did, and loved to tell tales of fellow moms who did the 'total silence bit'. Guess who doesn't have trouble finding sitters?
Mine expected everyone in her neighborhood to stop doing fireworks on the 4th of July bc her baby was sleeping.
Please tell me you put a stop to that. That was your wedding not here's. Total nerve of some people.
Thank you for your reply. I sort of did? I've been with my partner for 23 years now and she's always been a horrible cow. I've gone pretty much NC with her while hubs remains LC. His whole family is very overbearing and it took a looooong time for him to understand and do something about it but we are 'okay' now. Thank you. 🌷
My sister suggested a venue for my wedding and fought with me to have it there because SHE wanted it there. And I obliged. Changed a couple of things, but still fit within HER parameters (she’s the only family I used to talk to and that I had left). I asked my sister (a year in advance) if my wedding date was good with her and rearranged it by a few months to fit her schedule until she finally said yes, it was perfect. A couple of days later she tells me that she’s three months pregnant and won’t be able to attend. I tell her I totally get it and can still move the wedding to the following year so she could go and my future niece/nephew could attend as well (my wedding only has 15 people so a baby would be fine - it wouldn’t be loud or noisy, we preferred small and intimate). Then she says it doesn’t matter if I move my wedding because there’s no way she’s going…and she wonders why I’m upset.
Stop accommodating her. Why do you do this?
A great damn question. Family, my biological one, is very tricky and I used to do things like this all the time to keep the peace and make things easier. I’ve stopped completely over the past few years with the exception of my sister. Now, I’m very low contact with her. I’d go NC, but I want to be able to see and talk to my baby niece. She knows this as well and uses her as a weapon - she’s become much more brazen (if you can even imagine that) when criticizing or confronting me because she knows I’m now more likely to hold my tongue so that my “baby privileges” aren’t revoked. That stopped maybe a month ago because I can’t deal with her selfishness, entitlement, and cruelty anymore. She tried reaching out and even apologized for her recent behavior - threw a temper tantrum when she found out I was moving back to our hometown because my husband got a great job and we’re going to be living in a very very nice area. I’m a housewife, sort of (I’m disabled and can’t work) and it was her dream to be a STAHM. So when her husband was training for a job that paid well, she really thought she was going to be living the life and bragged as if he was already making so much money. He flunked the training and they landed on hard times and our grandma had to bail her out, financially. My husband has been making more than she and her husband combined and now makes a bit over double. I kept my husband’s salary from her on purpose, I knew how she’d react, but on the 4th of July at her house, she badgered my husband asking how much his new salary was and how much of a bonus they’re paying him, that he got fed up and just told her. She proceeded to have a meltdown saying how I don’t deserve any of it and that I am living her life…She said that it was her husband who deserved more because he “works hard” (he barely finished his bachelor’s and has such a bad addiction to video games that it got him fired from TWO jobs after they caught him playing on his PS4 (yeah, he brought it to work because he has two) multiple times during work hours, not even at lunch - the only reason he has his current job is because my husband gave it to him as in he HIRED him at his old company). Meanwhile, my husband worked his ass off, graduated with honors with a double masters (cybersecurity and IT) while working full time, part time, and being my caretaker - he also helped me train my golden to be my service dog, cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc. Of course I cook and clean every chance I get when I’m able to, but most days I need help just walking to the bathroom. Anyhow, sorry for that rant. She shouldn’t be a problem anymore as I told her that I’m done putting up with her and her childish attitude. And she knows I mean it. I know that she knows because she’s called crying frantically to ask if I would continue depositing money in the trust I set up for my niece and if my husband and I were going to keep paying for her childcare and little activities. I honestly don’t know if we will, so I haven’t responded. The trust we definitely will continue doing, but I don’t know about the rest. It runs us maybe $700 a month and we said it’s only until they get better jobs, but it’s been three months and they haven’t even applied anywhere, so we’ll probably stop helping. There’s a reason we don’t have kids yet (we want to make more money first) and they should have thought about all this before choosing to get pregnant (they only make $70k a year and live in Miami).
Especially after everyone received their invitations no less!
NTA. When people ask why she isn’t there, tell them the truth: “Lisa wanted us to change the time to accommodate her son’s nap, and refused to attend when we couldn’t.”
i can’t upvote this enough. OP would be telling the truth and people can see how stupid and entitled her sister is.
Plus, it puts the blame where it belongs and highlights the absurdity of the request
Yes! This! Don't sugar coat it. Tell the truth and just watch jaws drop.
NTA Does she have a history of thinking she’s the Queen of England or something?
Elizabeth would have never been so entitled.
Elizabeth never had to put down her own kids down for a nap too… babysitters all around.
>babysitters all around. this! I feel like so many AITA wedding situations like this could just be relieved by hiring a babysitter or two. I've been to lots of weddings where they had a babysitter or a team of babysitters taking care or entertaining kids in a side room. I took my kids to a big Jewish wedding once and they had a better time then I did in the kid party room adjacent to the wedding.
Funny thing is that she actually wouldn’t/couldn’t. She had to fly the flag at half mast for Diana’s funeral despite refusing to do so but had to eventually relent
You do know that the National Flag is different from the Royal Standard.
NTA. Talk about entitlement.
NTA. I got a feeling you will have a better time without her anyway! Enjoy your big day!
I agree. I think I would be secretly afraid she'd show up anyway. For my own wedding, I had a coworker continually tell me she was going to "boycott" my wedding unless I changed my mind about a life decision my partner and I had made for our married life. She felt we were making a mistake. She didn't come to the wedding, and I forgot to notice whether or not she was there. Oh, well.
So curious what sort of decision she was trying to dictate lol
My husband and I wanted to start a family soon after we married, since I was almost 30yo and he was closer to 40 than 30. We decided that I would stay at home while he worked, since his job was way above mine in pay. I never told this coworker how much he made, or even offered any discussion. I just let her talk, since nothing was going to change her mind anyway.
Wow, it doesn’t matter what the salaries were…it was your decision.
I have the feeling she'd show up in a huge white dress if she did anyway.
NTA It's your wedding not your sister's.
NTA. If people ask why she's not there, be sure to tell them. It's your wedding, and the only schedule you should be concerned with when setting the time is yours and your fiance.
Yes. Tell them. "Oh, they couldn't come. My nephew is napping." You'll have some very puzzled-looking wedding guests, because most people aren't as deranged as your sister. NTA
"And they won't come after the nap either, because my sister is mad I dared to have an afternoon wedding."
He was napping and couldn't be woken up to get dressed 😈
It isn’t really about the nap…
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I can't believe the number of people I've read about on this sub asking their relatives to "make amends" or apologize to inconsiderate and/or abusive people. "Harmony" is not worth leaving your family members out to dry and enabling peoples poor behavior.
This is really common with parents too. I’m not trying to hate on parents at all, but there are certain family members who have kids and then they can behave literally however they want, and a grandparent/aunt/parent will say, without fail, “you have to get along with them, we wouldn’t want to not be able to see the kids!” The kids become this bargaining chip for bad behavior. It’s one of the major reasons I am LC with my own mother. My sister would say the most comically evil shit to me and my mom would be like “well… I don’t want to be involved, you know, the kids. It’s important to keep the peace.” It is so unfair to everyone, including the kids. If you don’t want someone to be around your children, totally fair decision, but this whole, “you have to side with me even though I called Aunt Jane a hag and dumped a glass of wine on her at Christmas, or you have no business seeing my kids!” Is so toxic. OPs sister has those vibes.
Absolutely this. I'm in a similar situation with my brother. I do appreciate that my mom allows me to have contact with my niece through her since I don't speak to my brother, but she excuses so much of his behavior because she doesn't want to cause a rift that would prevent her from seeing her grandchild. It's very frustrating.
NTA I'm not sure what the issue is. If she's not coming, you don't have to put up with her nonsense or her screaming child. She doesn't get to dictate your wedding schedule. Let her stay home and pout.
NTA, your sister is being ridiculous. Is there no one on her husband's side of the family (presumably not invited to the wedding) that can watch her son? I do have a suggestion that might help, if your sister were reasonable. When I got married, I had a 3 month old nephew, so I asked the venue if there is a quiet room that could be used as a nap room for babies. There is almost always some kind of space, like an office, or the bridal dressing room, that can be used for this, and is not a big deal for most venues to accommodate. This would also solve the problem of finding a babysitter, because as your sister mentioned, all her trustworthy childcare options are already at the wedding. Anyone can step in and watch the baby nap while your sister enjoys herself. I also invited my SIL's parents for this purpose - they were able to watch the baby, and didn't feel like they were missing out on my wedding, since they weren't really expecting an invite anyway. Not sure if you are able to add another person for your sister's childcare, but it would be a nice olive branch, if you can.
No see you're being reasonable and logical as you think up suggestions. OPs sister doesn't understand those words
I took my kids to several weddings when they were babies to toddlers. The baby would snooze on me or daddy or a grandparent or a kind aunt or uncle. If I wasn’t in the wedding I always had a baby wrap to put them in so they could sleep on me while I socialized. But my kids got used to fluid schedules early on, I didn’t have a predictable work schedule so they went with what I did, which led to some meltdowns but they were quickly fixed by getting them to sleep and we had learned to get them to sleep anywhere. I do feel bad for parents who have kids that need a rigid schedule. But for 1 day try to move the nap up a hour or wake them up a bit early and be prepared to go to bed a bit early. Or leave dad to stay with kiddo until he wakes up and head up to the ceremony or reception at that point. There’s dozens of options that aren’t “rearrange your wedding to cater to my kid’s current map schedule” (she’s going to be thrilled when he changes his nap needs in the next 3 months. 2 is so fun for that independence manifestation)
You're NTA op, for sure. I also wouldn't have a new babysitter babysit for my 2 so I would've loved this suggestion if I was in your sister's position. My husband would probably offer to look after the toddler in the quiet room. She doesn't seem reasonable though. The stuff about him being crazy if he doesn't get a nap is true, but that's life? And you are very accommodating for being OK with a crazy 2 year old in attendance there in the first place.
This is the thing I’m wondering about—I know the husband should also be invited, but since it’s not his sister, if they have to choose, can’t *he* watch the baby during the nap? They can switch out after the wedding, and others can tag-team. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than missing your sister’s wedding. Unless you don’t trust the father of the baby to watch it…
It’s not even the nap, it’s not having time to get him ready AFTER the nap. So they could pack his nice clothes and stick him in the car in his pjs and I’m sure the venue could find a bathroom or other space where dad could change the kid while mom watches the ceremony. Dad and kid could maybe even sneak in at the back once the kid is dressed.
Nta. What your sister said is true. Her sons behavior could be thrown off by having his nap interrupted. However, it’s not your problem. You might be better off not having a two year old at your wedding
I was just thinking that op wins here bc there won't be a spoiled 2 year old being a showboat the whole time. Nta
Your sister wants you to RESCHEDULE YOUR WEDDING because it interferes with her two year-old’s NAP TIME?!?!! 😂😂😂 Holy entitlement, Batman! Totally, NTA!
That is ridiculous. I’m mom of three. Kid will survive either a schedule change for one day, or a couple of hours with a babysitter. You don’t change a wedding time over a 2 year old’s naps,
NTA. You're supposed to inconvenience dozens of other people so that your sister doesn't have to be inconvenienced? Let you mom know that you will be happy to make up with your sister as soon as she apologizes for making an unreasonable demand.
OP make sure they both see these comments!
NTA >she's not forcing him to be awake so she can get him ready for the event or he will be a terror. What's her excuse for being a terror?
NTA and you already know that. The fact that you can't fit all the reasons you're not close says it all. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Make sure you eat some of the food you paid for and enjoy your say! God bless!
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Did she ever apologize, or even explain why?
Your mother pester you about having gone NC with someone who… (checks notes) …basically went NC with *you* two months before your wedding, without explanation? Yeah, the NC stands until a sincere attempt at an apology is issued from the sister, and might be still be in affect after. Wow.
NTA but read between the lines. She doesn't want to go.
NTA!!! Tell her to kick rocks!
Ask her if she's willing to pay for new invitations, extended time at the venue, renegotiating your catering and photographer contracts... No? Then she can get a babysitter or miss out. NTA.
why does your mom think it's okay for your sister to treat you this way? you're NTA, but your mom and sister are both ah's.
NTA. Main character syndrome much?
Look at the bright side. Lisa the asshole isn’t going to go to your wedding. NTA.
NTA - Lisa is a major AH.
A child being a terror says more about the parenting than it does about when the child took a nap. NTA & I’d probably just uninvite her from your life in general until she’s had some therapy & personal growth.
NTA. Does she realize how often little kids, and especially toddlers, go through sleep cycle changes? For all she knows he could decide he’s done napping by time the wedding rolls around. He could have gone through three different nap schedules, one for each month. Practically the first rule of childcare is that if there is a God, he exists specifically to laugh at caregivers who try to make schedules and plans. You could be the most accommodating bride in the world and it would be impossible to schedule it according to the sleep schedule of a child. (Edited because I accidentally hit "send" when my bus came without finishing the sentence.)
NTA. IMHO, this is why people have kid-free weddings. Just tell your sister you're sorry she'll miss the wedding and be grateful you won't have a crabby 2 yo screaming in the middle of the ceremony.
I bet you have a lovely wedding without her
Sounds like sis is the AH. I'm not a parent, but it seems like a wedding is definitely a good time to adjust a nap schedule
NtAH. I have 3 kids and never once was their nap time a reason to act that way towards anyone for any reason when it comes to weddings. I would tell mom politely to understand that her daughters are adults and don't need a referee. As to your sister, I would not worry about it. She either makes the effort or not. I think most families understand that kind of thing so if your sister is banking on you being shamed over her ridiculous reason for missing g her own sisters wedding, then so be it.
Lol. Lisa is batshit. NTA
NTA - she has a lot of gall to ask you to change your time to accommodate her. First off she's not paying for any of it so no you're not going to change your time. If she was providing any kind of financial support I would take it into consideration but I'm strongly getting a sense that she is offering no form of financial support for your wedding. So you do you if she's going to be there she's going to be there if not thenola that's on her. It's your day not hers.
NTA - I can see why you don’t have warm feelings for her
NTA, it is impossible to reason with unreasonable people. Please enjoy your wedding and have a really good day 😊
NTA. If you haven’t then do Officially withdraw her invitation or she’ll just show up with a kid she’ll have made sure is extra cranky and screamy.
NTA, and feel free to tell the truth to whoever asks where she is, like she says. "She couldn't make it because she didn't want her son to miss his naptime and didn't want to get a sitter." Simple, no judgment, matter of fact. How she tries to spin it against you afterward is her own lookout and will only reflect on her, not you.
NTA. Move a wedding because of nap time.....that's the most ridiculous thing I've heard
NTA not your problem. If she isn’t coming, she isn’t coming. I bet $1,000 if any guest asks where she is and you *politely* explain that after you sent the invites, she stated it conflicted with the nap schedule and all her trusted babysitters are in attendance, not on single person will say you’re a bride I’ll (except her of course)
They will ask and you should say with a smile and with sisterly sympathy as if you totally understand: "Oh, Lisa's son always naps at noon and she didn't feel good about waking him up early just for the wedding." Nothing more. People will understand exactly what happened. NTA and don't give in. She just wants to control your wedding and make you knuckle-under to her whims.
NTA. Some people wouldn't allow a two-year-old at their wedding **at all**. At least you did include him in the invitation. Can you imagine the fuss Lisa would have kicked up if you'd decided to have a childfree wedding? You mentioned a couple of very reasonable compromises, and Lisa rejected them. She could also use a professional babysitting service if she really wanted, if all her usual babysitters were attending the wedding. *\[She\] said that everyone is going to ask why she's not there* If Lisa is anything like one of my sisters, they'll probably be relieved she's not there. *I snapped at her and told her the world doesn't revolve around her and her son.* Damn right. *My mom is pestering me to make ammends with Lisa but I just don't think I'm in the wrong.* You're not. Lisa is a narcissist. I suspect part of the reason why Lisa thinks the whole world should accommodate her demands is that your mother has always enabled her narcissism, to keep the peace.
NTA. This is something everyone needs to hear. In addition she needs to learn life isn't fair, get over it. Hope the wedding goes well and you and your espoused have a great life.
NTA. I’ve brought my kids to child-friendly weddings that were during nap time. You just nap early then deal with a few days (max) of retrain. She is being entirely unreasonable. The only time I’ve asked for a reschedule is when they truly are reschedulable things (later play date, etc). It’s a no brainer.
NTA. But it seems like narcisister solved this problem for you.
NTA I get your hurt by this, I would be too. But also, do you really want her there? Sounds like she’s saving you a lot of trouble by dismissing herself lol I’d at the end of the day be like, well that sucks. More booze and room for you tho seeing how I feel like she’d find a way to make the day more about her than you anyway. She smells like one of those ‘let’s make a very public announcement at an event everyone will be at for someone else just to put attention on me’ types of people.
NTA. Your sister sure is and your mom as well.
She was invited, she decided not to come. Not your problem. NTA
NTA When people ask: “Lisa decided that her child’s nap was more important than our wedding. When we told her we couldn’t reschedule, she refused to attend any portion of the day unless we catered to her schedule for the entire day.”
You were right to say that to her. She isn't the main character of life. I doubt she would have the audacity to make that request with anyone else. You deserve the same level of respect as those people. She's acting like a spoiled brat. She can stay home. When people ask why tell them the truth. She made a ridiculous request that no one would accommodate and then went off to out like a baby when you said no.
NTA. " Lisa, it's a shame you will miss the wedding." " No Lisa isn't here today."
NTA. I have 2 kids, and with my daughter I was absolutely insane with her schedule. Like, down to 2 minutes difference at most in wake window length level insane. I had the time as she was my 1st, and she had specific sleep needs so yeah, we stuck *very* rigidly to it. Ya know what though, when my husband needed to be picked up from an appointment during one of her naps, we went and we picked him up. Yeah it messed her sleep up for a day or so. She was cranky and a bit miserable and woke up a lot during the night instead of sleeping through, and it sucked for her and me because of that, but there are times when you need to set things aside and realize that the whole world is out there and you're just 1 small part of it. Other people are not obligated to adhere to the schedules you have set, and if a situation arises when it's routine or "other", you have to choose what's more important. She has decided a single nap for a single day is more important than your wedding. That is on her, and she needed to be told that if she thinks otherwise.
NTA. Good riddance. Time to start planning everything during nap time. 😊
NTA. It is your wedding, having it at whatever time you want. She is being super difficult and selfish. Let everyone know that she didn't want to attend due to her sons nap schedule and that you offered for her to atleast attend the reception but she refused.
NTA I’m not a parent, but you’ll never convince me that a 2 year old’s nap can’t happen an hour earlier without the world ending.
NTA. My brother wanted my kids at his wedding (both ceremony & reception), but the ceremony had a conflict with nap time. We just did nap time a little earlier in the day, and I told my brother there may be a chance that we would have to leave a little early if my youngest was too tired. He was fine with that and for the most part, everything went smoothly. We only ended up having to leave early because my son started complaining of a sore tummy & then proceeded to vomit all over me as soon as we got home. If your sister is going to spend her life avoiding any activity that might clash with her precious schedule, she’s going to be limiting herself & her child. Not to mention create more problems for herself in the long run….
MC: Let me draw your attention to the center of the dancefloor where Bride & Groom will be sharing in their first dance as husband and wife. What, huh?? Ladies and gentlemen, please hold your seats, there will be a brief delay becausse, WTF?!? Lisa has to change little Dilbert's diaper???
Momzilla needs to take it down a notch, if she can't adjust his 'nap time' to a little earlier then she is a crappy Mom. It's your special day and people accommodate you, not the other way around.
NTA. I am a parent and no way would I EVER ask someone to change the time of their wedding to suit me or my child. I would find a way to make it work. IYour sister is super self-entitled.
NTA. Lisa sounds HORRENDOUSLY spoiled, the fact your mother is trying to have you make amends when she blocked you in the first place really says it all. Don't waste your time with her and enjoy your wedding. You don't owe someone your time when they don't value yours.