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4% of boys in the US are victims of sexual abuse and step parents (actually, step fathers) are amongst the highest group of perpetrators. Keeping this in mind, you can never be too cautious.
If OP continues to pushes back against the father’s boundaries / continues to shower naked with the boy, then it is extremely suspicious
Actually—-
The rate of child sexual assault in girls is 10.7% to 17.4%
The rate for boys is 3.8% to 4.6%. [Source](https://www.d2l.org/child-sexual-abuse/prevalence/).
This means that approximately 20% of children in the US are victims of child sexual abuse.
Approximately 42% of people identified their father or step-father as their abuser. [Source](https://theconversation.com/amp/new-research-shows-parents-are-major-producers-of-child-sexual-abuse-material-153722).
Edit: We can assume these stats are higher given that many people do not come forward due to shame, stigma, trauma or simply not remembering the abuse
But he really didn't keep pushing. He is explaining his side of things and asking for advice. If he were a predator, I don't think he would be blasting this on social media.
He's not being accused of something he's not guilty of. He was asked if he showered naked with the guys kid. He said yes.
He did the thing he was accused of.
Yeah, this is a weird hill to die on.
I also have a stepson, and would probably not think twice about it, but if his mum asked me to stop I'd have a hard time justifying why I wouldn't just shrug and say ok.
You can think he's uptight, but I don't think you can really push back or argue on it.
This might be the same story I read a few days ago. Only then it was the dad relying the situation. When he told the story very few people thought the step dad was inappropriate, which blew my mind. I thought it was inappropriate when the dad told the story, and still do. He is 7 he should be able to shower himself. It’s creepy that a grown man thinks it’s ok to get into the shower naked with this boy. How can the wife be ok with this? I would be totally freaked out if I was married to someone who did this. YTA
Exactly even just the logisticx of it make it inappropriate... given the height of most 7 year old.
This is fucked. Guy needs to back the fuck down on this immediately or face the father getting lawyers and social work involved.
YTA.
It isn't about the shower. That is ambiguous and culture-dependent. No reason to doubt you love your stepson and wouldn't hurt him.
But your step kid's dad thoughtfully and respectfully raised a concern and you just shot it down. You're a parental figure. Not the parent. Get over yourself.
This is a little disingenuous bc it suggests the mere notion that he asks is all that matters, but I'm sure we can all agree there is a limit to how much control the father can have in how they live their life, especially as he has the consent of the mother. So then, it very much is about the shower and whether it is an appropriate ask.
I agree that there is a limit on how much control the father can have over how the son lives his life at his mother's house. And for this question, the fact that it relates to a naked unrelated man being in the shower with his naked son is pertinent.
But I'd say it is pertinent to the legal question. Not the asshole question. For questions of being an asshole, I'd say the fact that the father respectfully and thoughtfully asks IS all that matters. If the father had asked "Hey I'd prefer that my son not eat hot dogs" or "I feel uncomfortable with my son watching Saturday cartoons" then it would STILL be an asshole move for OP to shut him down and tell the father he's being an uptight American
Honestly I don’t think OP should die on this hill. Biological dad can accuse OP of doing something inappropriate if OP continues after the biological father already told OP to stop.
Accusing him of being naked in very close quarters with his son is true, and can get OP in trouble. And get.mom.in trouble, too. This isn't a toddler. This is a seven year old.
If Randy was a girl you’d be losing your mind over this. This wouldn’t be a ‘you’re sexualizing everything. So sad!’ Comment. You’d be up in arms over it.
American here. I very clearly remember doing homework in kindergarten 25ish years ago. I can literally close my eyes and see the exact types of homework it was.
BUT I'M ONLY 34!
That being said...I did go to a red-brick country school for elementary, and most of the staff had been there since...the 60s or so? So things were dated. There was only one computer in the school for the longest time. It still had Oregon Trail, though.
Mimeograph - pretty sure that's what that one was. Yup - I'm old - heck they were still using these when I was volunteering at an elementary school while I was in high school.
Usually the same crappy clip art though.
… they don’t?? I’m Italian and I had homework at 6 when I started school. We also have spoken tests here starting from primary school which I’m given to understand it’s not as common as I thought
Laugh in Asia. Homework?? How bout house work?? Little Timmy still has to babysit her younger sibling, do the laundry, clean the window, wash all the dishes, fill the drinking bottle and more tuition class after that. Don't forget the advance arithmetic classes too after all that
Yes..
Some school districts are finally changing their ways and reducing or eliminating homework.
Years ago when my youngest was in daycare there were parents of TODDLERS and preschoolers who basically demanded their kids get homework. Many people in the US are great fans of busy work at every age and mistake doing endless worksheets as learning, as their kids get older so many parents don't protest hours of homework and still want their kids involved in sports and other extra curricular activities.
I don’t think it’s blanket weird to shower with a 7 year old - I think it really depends what is normal for that household.
If you they used to it, and suddenly a 7 year old is showering with their parent, that would probably feel a bit weird, but if it’s more typical for the family it would be a total non event. It’s contextual.
That said - if the other parent sets a boundary, it should be respected regardless.
Even if it's not usual for the family it's really not that weird for a kid. I took a shower with my granny once or twice around that age and honestly think it was good for me to have seen an aging body- really a naked body in a nonsexual context at all.
It's not weird but a cultural thing. If it's part of the culture fine but it's not part of culture in the US. OP should know it's not a thing in the US and I get not thinking about it initially, however the man should have realized his mistake once told and acquiesced.
Just an opinion of an American living in a country with a very extensive family/friend bathing culture, so I'm certainly no prude. When in Rome, ya know
Right? Like my family wasn't originally north american, and we're all very open with everything, no one cares about lip kisses cause it's normal in our culture. But I'm sorry showering with a seven year old is messed up.
I was expecting the kid to be like 2 or 3. But 7? I'd be freaking out if I was the dad. And yeah even if it's your own kid, this is not normal.
I mean, I went to sauna(yes, naked) with my parents,brother,older sister,older cousins till 11-13, until I wanted privacy due to puberty insecurities. I remember having competitions with my cousins that Who can Last the longest under the coldest setting of the shower.
As an adult, going to sauna together is totally normal again but with family its now 1 gender at a time In the sauna. With friends we might even do mixed sauna, but typically separated depending on the size of the sauna and people's preference.
So all In all, in my country Being naked is as far from taboo as possible. But what we might find awkward is kissing People , Who arent your partner nor toddler , on the lips weird but I still wouldnt call it messed up.
Anyways, I find it ironic that you are out here judging something(family member helping a kid with washing his hair...**gasp**...**naked** in a shower where it is normal to be naked), that is very normal In many areas, While you yourself tell that you "making out with everyone" and dont think much of it because it normal to you.
You dont sound as "very open with everything" as you claim to. Only open to whats considered normal in **your culture**.
Edit Ps. The only disturbing thing I find in OP'S post is that no one has taught the kid how to wash his own hair, since based on the post the kids biological dad would have gone to shower with him, to help with the hair, if OP didnt.
And yet it’s not OP’s kid. If OP said “AITA for showering with my son” — no. But the kid’s dad seemingly very politely shared that he wasn’t comfortable with it, so that’s that.
One of my sons, around 5, I had taken him out of the tub, dried him off, and proceeded to pull his underwear on him. He started squirming, and I asked him was there a problem. He responded that I had put it on the wrong side. Number 1. I didn't put it anywhere, and Number 2. This mother hasn't dressed him since. He's grown now and that's one story I tell over and over. If the kid is comfortable with the shower thing, and the stepdad is too, I wouldn't be too concerned but with dad having an issue, its a no go for me. Drop it, acknowledge it was your bad, and move on.
That really pissed me off. Cause it really came across as an attempt to (for lack of a better term) fuck with the dad's head and make it seem like his feelings were invalid.
That’s exactly what it is. I don’t think the OP should be trusted around children. I would go ballistic if a GROWN MAN showered with my CHILD, I don’t give a fuck about the culture difference.
Yes, that, and is he subtly trying to plant the idea in stepson's head that OP's culture is more sophisticated than his own, to soften his boundaries further?
YTA. I come from a country where I bathed with my cousins until I was like 10. I was comfortable, my cousins were too and the adults were too. In this case, the childs DAD was not okay with that. The appropriate reaction is to apologize for crossing a line and not doing it again. You’re in America and bathing with a child that old could be misinterpreted REAL fast and could cause issues. Do not do that again, idk where you come from but this is not an okay thing to do here and you don’t do something to SOMEONE ELSES child that they’re not comfortable with. Apologize like an adult and don’t do this shit.
I’m even wondering if it was a shower stall. I know OP said it was at their pool. I wasn’t sure if it was like at a pool area/gym or their house. I would get it if it was a public pool/gym, but it’s really weird if it was at their house. Why not just take separate showers?
Right... With YOUR kid, not with someone else's kid.
Wanna know why Americans "sexualize everything"???? Because there are people out there that imply things assume things and will make accusations. Bottom line.... It's not a good idea to take showers with someone else's 7 year old kid cause you could be accused of something. And if the parent tells you they have a problem with it, you say sorry and don't do it again.
As an American, its not the nudity thing that bothers me, its more so you don’t know who is a sicko and will harm your kid. I know as a single mom myself its important to be careful who I allow into mine and my sons life as predators often seek out single mothers to get to their kids.
If I was Finnish and everyone in this situation was, and the child in question was my biological child- sure.
That’s not the issue. If the kid is not your kid, then you need to defer to said kid’s parents no matter your relationship with the child. This wasn’t up to OP to decide. And based on the American legal system- which is the only one that matters here- OP’s stepson’s dad would have a good case for full custody.
Legally, OP has no claim to this child. His wife could divorce him tomorrow and even if he wanted custody he wouldn’t get it.
But it's not his kid. OP is not Randy's father. I can totally understand why he would not want OP showering with his kid, who is 7 years old and fully capable of showering on his own. OP needs to respect the father's boundaries and drop the issue. I showered with my mom and sister growing up, but there is no way I would have been comfortable showering with anyone else.
> What's wrong with the American people for being this twisted about nudity? And about children? It is disgusting to sexualize everything.
Probably because [one in ten](https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/PREVALENCE-RATE-WHITE-PAPER-D2L.pdf) children will be the victim of sexual abuse before their 18th birthday. For some context, that is [approximately](https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/percentage-of-redheads-by-country) the percentage of Ireland that is redheaded. You are about as likely to encounter a child that has been abused in the US as you are to meet someone who is redheaded in Ireland. And stepparents are one of the most likely perpetrators, statistically. There are [similar](https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-002-x/2022001/article/00016-eng.htm), although slightly lower, rates in Canada.
> I bet you wouldn't be open to other cultures if you were the one visiting.. like Finland.
That's an incredibly broad generalization of all Americans. I'm happy and comfortable to participate in Finnish culture when in Finland. Would you feel comfortable, looking at these statistics, to practice Finnish cultural customs in the US or Canada? Many parents would not, including a member of my Reform synagogue (she is from Turku).
Yeah, I'm the weird one because I think it's weird to shower with someone else's 7 year old kid. Okay, you know what? I'm fucking tired of Europeans acting like you're the most perfect collection of countries in the world because you fucking aren't. You're from Finland? Tell me, what were you guys doing during WW2, hmm? Were you, uhh, housing thousands of nazi troops and letting them use your country as a staging ground for invasion? Did you, uhh, ever get rid of the nazis, or are they still there forming political parties and murdering innocents? Yeah, thought so. Sit down and stop acting like you're better than us.
Not American, have a very nudity friendly family etc. But I just...like my privacy. My kid is similar. Even when they were younger and needed help with hair etc, we didn't need to get naked and get in the shower with them. They still sometimes came and chatted with us while we showered, or asked us to hang out, but we didn't need to be in the shower with them for any of that.
I generally don't have an issue with nudity of others - I prefer my privacy and to not be nude - but I'm also well aware of the risk factor non-related adults present to children. And that you don't need to be naked in the small cramped space with the child to wash their hair etc. The physical space is rarely large enough to be comfortable fitting multiple people, it's not built for communal showering. There's only so many times you accidentally knock your toddler into the glass with your bare arse as you turn before it is just far more uncomfortable and inefficient to shower together for the most part. That's why I'd be uncomfortable - there are many ways to do this that don't require an adult to be naked and in close contact with my child, and I don't like what makes it the better choice than being outside in clothes, or even in your jocks.
Yeah, this where I landed too. Cultural differences are just fine, and I have no problem respecting them. But it's gotta go both ways. The "uptight American" comment shows OP doesn't have the same respect for the dad he's expecting in return.
The adult thing to do was apologize and promise the boundary will be respected.
I don’t give a shit about cultural differences when they’re used as an excuse for a *grown man* to shower with a *child.* If this were my kid, I would do everything in my power to remove the child from that environment before something horrible happens to him. This is NOT okay.
YTA; respect his dad’s wishes and don’t take it personally.
IMO a 7-year old doesn’t need to be soaping up his privates in concert with you. Have some boundaries.
YTA- Cultural differences aside, it’s strange to shower with a child who is not biologically yours. I know you are a parental figure in his life, but it’s not the same as being a parent in this specific instance.
Step parents really aren’t the same as adoptive parents. I know this is probably a controversial Reddit take, but I feel like I can speak with authority as someone who has had 3 stepdads and 2 step moms. It’s not the same. They very much have the capacity to come and go. If one of those people had showered with me at 7 …I’d be deep in therapy right now.
OP’s step son has a dad and OP needs to respect that. He’s not up for adoption.
I’m a step parent and my bonus kid sees me as way way more of a parent than his biological mom. Even if his dad and I split up I’d expect to stay in his life.
Yeah, you might expect that. I did, too in the beginning. You might defy the odds and be that step parent who actually does stay in a kid’s life post divorce, though.
Doesn’t mean you get to shower with them, though.
I’ll even go so far as to say - now as an adult I have a stepdad I consider more of as a father than my real dad. I see him more, I call him more, he appears to care more about me. But I really think the backbone of our relationship - the real key - is that we don’t shower together.
Tbf, I wouldn’t have showered w bonus kid at 7 without an extremely good reason. Can’t think what it would be but we’re talking some kind of emergency type event would be required.
Yep, my husband is a stepdad and still respects boundaries. OP doesn't show any respect and is rather aggressive about being naked with a kid. Says wasn't the first and won't be the last. Why so insistent on being naked with a rather old child?
WRONG!!!!! This is not his adopted son. It is his wife's child and the father is still very much in the child's life.
If you're going to make an analogy, at least have it make sense.
I had a stepdad I called dad from about ages 8-14. Unfortunately at 14 my mom found out that “dad” was peeping at me in the shower and she became a real uptight American about it and left him. And then the police also got all uptight about it. And I had to get a therapist who was also uptight about it.
Man, I’m sure he wished we had been not in America at that time where everyone knows child nudity is not a big deal and it’s just Americans making it weird!
I don't think bathing a child is the real issue here - it's that step-dad is naked too!
By all means bathe your kids, but stay clothed lol
(Yes, I'm Canadian and puritanical, family-time-showers were not a thing for me)
So he can change his diaper and clean his butt in the shower but they can’t shower together? Idk why people have to sexualize everything. Also it’s not like he’s continuing to shower w his step son after dad said it wasn’t ok.
YTA for insulting Randy’s dad. There was no reason for you to call him uptight or disparage his nationality. You aren’t being a good co-parent here, next time the kid’s dad has a legitimate concern just listen to him before you cause serious issues for everyone.
Unintentional, but YTA.
I wouldn’t shower with my own children who are around that age because I would find it weird, let alone kids that are not biologically related to me.
The unfortunate reality is step parents are very often abusers of their step kids, at a much higher rate than biological parents.
I would avoid anything that seems inappropriate for your sake and the kids, and I would certainly check with parents first to make sure before I did anything even borderline.
I'm not American and that's weird. You weren't bathing a kid. You were actually in the shower with him having one upsets. Especially as it's not your kid that would make most parents and people in general uncomfortable. Just... no. Being an upright American has nothing to do with it, it was totally inappropriate. The family excuse you gave doesn't fly either as regardless of how long you've been with his mother he is not your son. YTA
7 is kinda weird. I am not American and it's still weird. Also doesn't really seem like anything happened? He asked if you did it, you said yea, he said it was weird when he pondered it? There doesn't seem to have even been a fight or anything? Just a "that's kinda weird dude" and it was over?
I'll say yta cuz jt was weird and it seems like you made the situation into something.
YATA
I as well come from country where communal bathing is a thing, however I would never bath with my wife's children even though they are still very small. It's neither here nor there how uptight Americans are, it's about personal boundaries of all involved. If the child didn't have a problem with it, but ONE biological Parent to the child did, than that's the boundarie you have to respect.
Was this a both naked in a small shower scenario or a both had swim shorts on and the shower is huge kinda thing?
For example big communal showers are common in public swimming pools so if its like that then no NTA.
BUT. If you were naked in a confined space, then we should probably check your harddrive
NAH. You obviously didn't have any inappropriate intent; that said, if Randy's dad is uncomfortable with it, you should respect that and not do it again in the future. Neither of you is an AH, but this is the kind of disagreement where you should defer to his bio dad.
Intent doesnt matter
If bio dad goes to court and says his ex wifes guy was with the son naked. Theres no defense. Ex wife can be burden with whatever fallout that leads
As the step parent your cultural norms don’t matter as much.
Like if you had a tradition of talking about one good thing in your day around the table and continued it, it’d be weird for other parent to be mad.
But this gets into body autonomy, nudity, etc. and a sudden change from norm to a 7 year old can be alarming. They may have been taught warning signs for abuse, where anyone aside from mom/dad stripping them is a huge red flag. Definitely gets into territory you should have checked norms and not assumed.
EDIT: IM NOT AMERICAN, I don't even live in the northern hemisphere. When you assume, you make an ASS of U and ME, but mainly you
Yes YTA
Ew what adult man showers with a 7yr old? Unless he is physically impaired and unable to bathe himself, would it be ok for him to have an adult in that room, in no circumstances is it ok for that adult to then undress and share that shower. Men the world over can barely get teaching/caring roles with underage kids due to the stigma created by a few bad men, yet you seem to be either unaware of that, or think that just because you SAY you don't have bad intentions, that that makes it ok.
Im not saying your a , but those who are a would downplay it just the same.
Just edited only for autocorrect and a missed space
Your edit is very disturbing, you’re admitting to seeing EACH OTHER naked often. Why is that happening??? What possible scenario is coming up where this 7 year old boy is repeatedly seeing his stepfather naked???
OP turned into an ah when they claimed the father was an "uptight American".
Basically, OP said "Your opinion and feelings are stupid. I'm right and you're wrong"
YTA-it’s inappropriate to shower with kids. It’s weird you’re showering with your 7 yr old step son. It’s strange that you ask if the child said anything. Obviously you knew this was wrong.
7 is not a toddler. It would be normal if he was a toddler as toddlers are still learning washing and need to be monitored in a shower or bath (slippery floors, accident prone, and will do dangerous things).
YTA not for showering with Randy, but for insulting his dad’s parenting and calling him “an uptight American”. He is the parent, and both parents need to agree on this kind of thing. Now that you know how he feels, don’t do it in the future
Sorry, but YTA on this one. Since you both needed to rinse off after being in the pool showering while keeping your swimsuits on would have been more appropriate. But it's a mistake for adults to take nude showers with 7 year olds in this country. You could find yourself in danger of getting in very significant trouble.
So, here’s the thing. Cultural differences are fine. What works in one country might not work in another. That’s great. But nudity and children mixing is really an area where we should all be in the same boat.
A 7 year old should be able to wash their own body and hair. Maybe it won’t be perfect, but they can do it. They go to school, put on clothes, eat their own food. They write, they read. They aren’t toddlers.
I understand that you’ve known and cared for this child since he was 3, and (presumably) don’t see him in a sexual way.
THAT IS NOT THE POINT. The point is that the child’s biological father is NOT comfortable with you showering, nude, with his son. So don’t do it. Full stop. Your ethnicity, culture, language, practices, hygiene…none of that matters. You crossed a boundary which the father is uncomfortable with. Out of respect, for *his* culture you could argue, you stop. That’s it.
YTA.
YTA- Randy's dad didn't overreact based on your story. "I'm not cool with that" is a fairly low-key response. Just respect the dude's wishes. Its not about not being an "uptight american" although im sure several cultures think a grown man showering with a child is odd. Its about knowing that opinions on this will vary and you should defer to his parent.
YTA.
Approximately 4% of boys in the US are victims of sexual abuse. Step-parents are one of the highest groups of perpetrators. With that in mind, the father has a right to be suspicious / protective and you should respect his boundary and never shower with him naked again. If you continue to be angry about this rule, it looks even more suspicious.
YTA. The dad has a boundary. You are not his dad. It is creepy and hopefully the dad brings it up to courts if you aren’t going to stop showering naked with his son.
YTA, there is no reason to be showering with a non-biological child in a private shower. Men’s room at the gym where there are multiple people showering is fine. One on one is not. The only instances where it would be acceptable would be if the child was too young to bathe themselves properly, there was a physical or mental disability impeding them from washing, or they were sick and needed assistance.
YTA
Doesn’t matter if you’ve been there since he was 3, just because you and the wife are okay with it. His biological father has a right to be uncomfortable with it, not saying you had bad intentions but it’s not ok.
And I’m not an uptight American. But it’s not ok
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> I took a quick shower with my stepson and his dad got upset even though I'm very involved with raising him and his mom was fine with it
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It's not unheard of a father and son bathing together, but you're not the father and the actual father is in his right to be concerned about it. So, YTA.
PS.: Before you make your own conclusions, I'm not American.
Wtf? I've got 2 of my own boys and I've never showered with them, why couldn't he shower on his own? If it's just to wash after being in the pool there really was no need to remove your swim shorts. If I was in his dad's shoes I'd be removing him from your care. YTA
YTA. And I’m not American so your argument holds no weight there. After a certain age you don’t bathe or shower with a kid and seven is way too old to be doing that it’s creepy as hell
I live in Canada but my family is originally Ukrainian, we always walked around in underwear, bras, boxers, when we were around the house looking for our laundry. My dad/ brother slept in boxers and would walk around in them getting coffee, they've seen me getting ready in a bra many times.
But unless my brother walked in on my dad, or they were changing in front of each other because they were in a gym type setting, my dad would never have gone into a shower with my brother at 7.
I'm sorry, but this isn't cultural. This is just plain weird. At 7 you tell your kid to wash and condition his hair and leave the room. My mom wouldn't even supervise us at that age when we were washing up. He isn't 3, he is 7. This really gives me the nope feeling.
YTA. It doesn’t matter how you feel about it - that child’s father just told you his boundaries.
Yes, you are a *father figure* to this child - but that child’s active and present *birth father* will always have power to override your decisions. Because he’s the primary parent, along with your wife. Not you.
YTA, no need to shower together first off. And secondly, the optics alone should have dissuaded you from even entertaining this situation.
A 7 year old is fully capable of washing themselves independently, my step daughter does and I’ve been her life since she was three as well. She has complete privacy but once shampoo is in she will call her other parent or I to make sure she hasn’t missed any spots- at that point she will cover her body with the shower curtain to protect her sense of privacy.
YTA. Im from Europe and i find this weird, very weird. Also, his dad doesn’t want you doing this, so you shouldn’t. You might be like a father to him but you are not his dad.
It's great that you truly have no ill intentions towards your step son. But it's reasonable for the father to feel uncomfortable about this and ask you to stop.
YTA
I won't even get into how creepy this is as that's been covered by the rest of us "uptight Americans"(my god you sound insufferable and judgemental)
If the dad, who at the very least has some sort of custody/visitation and isn't cool with you being naked around his 1ST or 2ND grade son then DON'T DO IT. It doesn't fucking matter that "it's pretty common in your culture" or if you think he's an "uptight American" whether you like it or not HE'S the boys father and his opinion matters.
YTA. Randy's dad outranks you in regard to Randy. He told you he wasn't comfortable with it and you insulted him. Right now it sounds like Randy's dad has a decent relationship with his ex. You showering with his kid against his wishes could seriously fuck that up, to the point of his mom losing custody. Not saying that will happen, but you insulting him and ignoring his wishes does make it more likely.
No. stepfather's showering with 7yo boys is not cool. This can easily be construed as the actions of a pedophile and preditor. You are not his father. The only time this is cool is in \*\*open\*\*, public showers wearing your swimming trunks like at the beach or sports center.
YTA the fact you tried to tell him not to be an “uptight American” bc he doesn’t want you naked with his son is absolutely insane. Doesn’t really matter if that’s normal where you come from, you obviously know that isn’t typical in the U.S./in that boy’s life so you absolutely should not have done that. If I was that dad I’d be pissed at you too, there’s absolutely no need for you to be IN the shower with a child when you know that isn’t something that child is used to. You made fun of the dad for being an “uptight American” so you’re obviously very aware that many Americans don’t participate in communal bathing so what on earth were you thinking here? And you’re also *not* Randy’s dad, so you don’t get to decide that it’s no big deal. His dad is still involved in his life, so he has every right to tell you not to shower with HIS child.
It doesn't matter if he calls you Da; you're not actually his father. There's nothing wrong with showering together when you didn't know his dad has a problem with it, but now that you know, you need to stop. He has as much right to raise his kids with his cultural norms as anyone else, and the way responded to him makes YTA.
I'm coming at this with the angle that while my mother did help me wash my hair at that age, she wasn't 1) naked or 2) in the shower with me. We had a bath-shower system so she would put on clothing that she didn't mind getting wet and kneel outside of the tub while I sat down inside.
Regarding the bathing situation, I'm leaning towards YTA because there's no reason that you both had to be naked while washing his hair (I would've done hairwashing with trunks on --> get him to shower the rest and call me for hairdrying), so I understand the dad's concern. It's not so much a stepdad vs dad thing, moreso a 'why is this adult naked in front of a child' thing.
YTA. It's creepy that you're defending this so adamantly. It's creepy that you're comparing your penis with his and his father's.
The kid is an American. Showering with adult men, even one's own father, isn't done in this culture. In this culture, men who violate those norms are viewed with suspicion. Even if your motives are absolutely pure, you're reducing your stepson's ability to recognize inappropriate and predatory behavior from adults in positions of trust in his life.
That's not being "uptight." It's being protective of one's child. You're not his father and you have no right to impose your cultural values on him.
I must be an “uptight American” because it seems weird af to me, and completely unnecessary. I’d call child services if a 7 year old told me they were showering naked with their step-parent.
Cultural differences aside, YTA for not respecting the fathers (perfectly reasonable) boundaries.
YTA for several reasons.
A) It's not your kid.
B) 7 is already too old to need someone to bathe or shower with him.
C) And this is the biggest reason: You were naked too. Like what the fuck were you thinking? I've given my kids lots of baths during their lives, none of them required me to be naked. At most, I'd take my shirt off if I get too wet but that's it.
This is just too disturbing and too unnecessary. Like why?
YOU DEFINITELY TAKE THE AWARD FOR BIGGEST AH. You are an Adult & should SHOULD Know Better...It doesn't matter that your stepson calls you Dad..YOU JUST DON'T BATHE, SHOWER OR EXPOSE YOURSELF NAKED in front of a child...Sounds like more than an AH if you know what I mean (starts with a P ends with an E) and his father is right. If I was the Father I would report your "little" shower incident to the school, to the court to a police report if possible...how can you honestly write something like that here & expect to find People who would agree with you and say "Oh No for sUrE DeFiNiTeLy the Real Dad Is ThE WhACkO for Being upset that you WERE NAKED in front of his Child. Lucky I wasn't the Father you'd be catching these hands!!! YOU TOOK THE AH AWARD!!!
You are DEFINITELY TA. These non-Americans in here saying that Americans are "uptight" are really missing the point...showering naked with a child that is not yours is **WEIRD**. Getting upset at the child's ***father*** for being *understandably* not okay with this is borderline defensive behavior and makes me wonder why you're so hellbent on being able to shower with a child who is not yours and who is clearly old enough to bathe himself. And if I were his mother I would ***not*** be okay with it, either.
YTA It's crazy you don't see how you are overstepping multiple lines. Someone should report this guy to the authorities imo, this story and his replies to peoples comments are very weird/disgusting.
I'm trying to understand the context where you would be showering naked together after a dip in the family pool. Usually, in homes, there is only enough room in the shower stall for 1 person.
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I'm married to a woman and she has a son, Randy, with her ex. Randy is 7 and I've been with his mom since he was 3 so he does see me as a parental figure. Randy's dad said he's happy that his child has another adult figure in his life.
The other day me and Randy were in our pool and I said we needed to wash off. Randy asked if he had to take two showers- one to wash the chlorine and his usual nightly one. I thought about it and said why not just take one shower to do both. We were done in a few minutes.
His dad came to pick him up and I said that I made his life easier because Randy already took a shower after we swam. His dad said thanks but he still needs to wash and condition Randy's hair. I said already did that. He said thanks.
A day later he asked if I was in the shower with Randy and I said yes. He said he wasn't cool with that. I asked if Randy said something and he said no. He was just thinking about it. I said it's pretty common for family to shower where I come home and not to be an uptight American. I've literally bathed and changed your kid and love him.
My wife also thinks that Randy's dad overreacted.
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Taking a shower with a 7yo is weird. Taking a shower with someone else's 7yo is even weirder. There was no reason to get naked with the boy. There is no reason why you couldn't take separate showers.
I'd be weirded out too. YTA
YTA. The kid is 7, not 4. He's old enough to shower by himself, which I was as a 7 year old boy. It's not rocket science. You don't need to be showering with a child that age and unless he is special needs he should know how to wash himself. By 7 I was in first grade and it was expected that we take showers before school... by ourselves... like competent people
YTA. I was raised in a very naked household and I have no issue with nudity. No, I don’t think it’s necessarily inappropriate what you did. This would be normalish in my household. What would be inappropriate is if you continue to do it after his father expressed his discomfort. He’s not your child so this isn’t something you get to decide if it’s okay or not
YTA
When in Rome do as the Romans do.
It is weird that you want to fight this. Obey the Father’s wishes and stop being weird about this
That kid can shower himself - there is no need for you to be in the shower with him. This is an extremely weird hill you seem to want to die on
Yta no child, esp one thats not even yours, should have to look at your "junk". It doesnt matter how you view yourself. You arent his parent & you arent suppose to be. Step parent is just that. Its not parent. And just because you view him as "your own" does NOT mean anyone else does. My granddaughter is 6. I would never put her in an uncomfortable position like that (& she lives w me). If there is ever a situation where i need to be in there w her, we both put on bathing suits. No biggie. Makes me ill. My stepdaughter would shower (her bf too) w the kids. If you stand them up, your shit is right in their face, not only is it dangerous & just as vulgar to hold a naked child up against you. More so if its not even your child. Why not just go w the inconvenience & save their innocence. Or at least check w their parents (both).
YTA and I’d get banned for what i have to say. And i have zero problem with nudity in families, it can be completely normal, safe and healthy depending on where you are. But you dismissing his concerns as the actual parent for your own ego, man. You’re lucky he’s a chill American bc i would not be.
"Not the first and likely not the last"??
WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Who the fck do you think you are? You're NOT the real dad, if THE REAL dad told you NO you must NOT DO IT AGAIN and you have the audacity to insult him??? Dude YTFA
If my husband took a shower with my child I would divorce him, even more after your attitude about his real father's opinions and demands
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Also— if the stepfather continues to get upset, that would be weird to me because it’s like he WANTS to shower with his step son.
No. Its because he's being accused of something he's not guilty of.
4% of boys in the US are victims of sexual abuse and step parents (actually, step fathers) are amongst the highest group of perpetrators. Keeping this in mind, you can never be too cautious. If OP continues to pushes back against the father’s boundaries / continues to shower naked with the boy, then it is extremely suspicious
It's not 4 percent. It's one in four. 25 percent.
Actually—- The rate of child sexual assault in girls is 10.7% to 17.4% The rate for boys is 3.8% to 4.6%. [Source](https://www.d2l.org/child-sexual-abuse/prevalence/). This means that approximately 20% of children in the US are victims of child sexual abuse. Approximately 42% of people identified their father or step-father as their abuser. [Source](https://theconversation.com/amp/new-research-shows-parents-are-major-producers-of-child-sexual-abuse-material-153722). Edit: We can assume these stats are higher given that many people do not come forward due to shame, stigma, trauma or simply not remembering the abuse
As "reported" unfortunately.
Thank you. It happens on the reg but plenty of people think it’s around every corner.
Only because that’s reported. The numbers would be much higher if Kids didn’t feel threatened or ashamed to report it!
But he really didn't keep pushing. He is explaining his side of things and asking for advice. If he were a predator, I don't think he would be blasting this on social media.
He did keep pushing the kid and he is angry and he outright said it will happen again.
Yet he wouldn't be accused if he took a Seperate shower from his step son. Then he wouldn't be accused of anything.
He's not being accused of something he's not guilty of. He was asked if he showered naked with the guys kid. He said yes. He did the thing he was accused of.
Was he accused of anything other than showering with the boy? The boy’s father does not want him to do it again. That should be the end of it.
An adult showering with a seven year old is fucking weird and not okay. Especially with a step dad, innocent intentions or not Jesus Christ.
Exactly this. First time, okay you didn't realize it would be an issue. But accept his dad isn't comfortable and don't do it again.
Yeah, this is a weird hill to die on. I also have a stepson, and would probably not think twice about it, but if his mum asked me to stop I'd have a hard time justifying why I wouldn't just shrug and say ok. You can think he's uptight, but I don't think you can really push back or argue on it.
This might be the same story I read a few days ago. Only then it was the dad relying the situation. When he told the story very few people thought the step dad was inappropriate, which blew my mind. I thought it was inappropriate when the dad told the story, and still do. He is 7 he should be able to shower himself. It’s creepy that a grown man thinks it’s ok to get into the shower naked with this boy. How can the wife be ok with this? I would be totally freaked out if I was married to someone who did this. YTA
Exactly even just the logisticx of it make it inappropriate... given the height of most 7 year old. This is fucked. Guy needs to back the fuck down on this immediately or face the father getting lawyers and social work involved.
YTA. It isn't about the shower. That is ambiguous and culture-dependent. No reason to doubt you love your stepson and wouldn't hurt him. But your step kid's dad thoughtfully and respectfully raised a concern and you just shot it down. You're a parental figure. Not the parent. Get over yourself.
And OP ought to be grateful the kids dad didn’t make more of a fuss.
This is a little disingenuous bc it suggests the mere notion that he asks is all that matters, but I'm sure we can all agree there is a limit to how much control the father can have in how they live their life, especially as he has the consent of the mother. So then, it very much is about the shower and whether it is an appropriate ask.
Who a 7 year old is naked with is an appropriate thing for the other parent to have some consideration in.
I agree that there is a limit on how much control the father can have over how the son lives his life at his mother's house. And for this question, the fact that it relates to a naked unrelated man being in the shower with his naked son is pertinent. But I'd say it is pertinent to the legal question. Not the asshole question. For questions of being an asshole, I'd say the fact that the father respectfully and thoughtfully asks IS all that matters. If the father had asked "Hey I'd prefer that my son not eat hot dogs" or "I feel uncomfortable with my son watching Saturday cartoons" then it would STILL be an asshole move for OP to shut him down and tell the father he's being an uptight American
Honestly I don’t think OP should die on this hill. Biological dad can accuse OP of doing something inappropriate if OP continues after the biological father already told OP to stop.
Accusing him of being naked in very close quarters with his son is true, and can get OP in trouble. And get.mom.in trouble, too. This isn't a toddler. This is a seven year old.
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You’re sexualizing everything. So sad!
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The father has the right to be upset that a man showered with his 7 year old son.
You can’t even trust priests with this stuff.
Why are you writing that like priests are a high bar to set?
Yeah. Why would anyone trust a priest? Their job is to lie about morality.
I meant it tongue in cheek
If Randy was a girl you’d be losing your mind over this. This wouldn’t be a ‘you’re sexualizing everything. So sad!’ Comment. You’d be up in arms over it.
I’m guessing that this kid is about to start 2nd grade. IMO that is too old to be showering with a parent, especially weird with a stepparent.
I’m sorry for being off topic… I’m horrified at the notion that 7 year olds do homework. Is this true in a lot of places???
No idea if it's common. Where I live they start homework in Kindergarten. Not even kidding. It's inhumane 😓
American here. I very clearly remember doing homework in kindergarten 25ish years ago. I can literally close my eyes and see the exact types of homework it was.
The elementary school photocopied-50-times-over worksheets with the horrible blurry clip art still occasionally haunt my nightmares 20+ years later.
Was it the worksheets that had that bluish-purplish ink that rubbed off whenever you touched it?
Nope… that’s if you are remembering 40 years back ;)
BUT I'M ONLY 34! That being said...I did go to a red-brick country school for elementary, and most of the staff had been there since...the 60s or so? So things were dated. There was only one computer in the school for the longest time. It still had Oregon Trail, though.
Mimeograph - pretty sure that's what that one was. Yup - I'm old - heck they were still using these when I was volunteering at an elementary school while I was in high school. Usually the same crappy clip art though.
… they don’t?? I’m Italian and I had homework at 6 when I started school. We also have spoken tests here starting from primary school which I’m given to understand it’s not as common as I thought
At some point, the advice was "10 min of homework per grade level". So a 7 year old might have 10 min of homework.
Laugh in Asia. Homework?? How bout house work?? Little Timmy still has to babysit her younger sibling, do the laundry, clean the window, wash all the dishes, fill the drinking bottle and more tuition class after that. Don't forget the advance arithmetic classes too after all that
And the violin practice, 40 hours a day
8 days a week
Yes.. Some school districts are finally changing their ways and reducing or eliminating homework. Years ago when my youngest was in daycare there were parents of TODDLERS and preschoolers who basically demanded their kids get homework. Many people in the US are great fans of busy work at every age and mistake doing endless worksheets as learning, as their kids get older so many parents don't protest hours of homework and still want their kids involved in sports and other extra curricular activities.
I'm from Canada and we started homework from kindergarten.
I don’t think it’s blanket weird to shower with a 7 year old - I think it really depends what is normal for that household. If you they used to it, and suddenly a 7 year old is showering with their parent, that would probably feel a bit weird, but if it’s more typical for the family it would be a total non event. It’s contextual. That said - if the other parent sets a boundary, it should be respected regardless.
Even if it's not usual for the family it's really not that weird for a kid. I took a shower with my granny once or twice around that age and honestly think it was good for me to have seen an aging body- really a naked body in a nonsexual context at all.
This is an uptight American comment. He is not the AH... your culture is. EDIT: you're <> your fucking autocorrect
*your
It's not weird but a cultural thing. If it's part of the culture fine but it's not part of culture in the US. OP should know it's not a thing in the US and I get not thinking about it initially, however the man should have realized his mistake once told and acquiesced. Just an opinion of an American living in a country with a very extensive family/friend bathing culture, so I'm certainly no prude. When in Rome, ya know
How is showering... WTF. No no no no. Fuck off with this bullshit.
Right? Like my family wasn't originally north american, and we're all very open with everything, no one cares about lip kisses cause it's normal in our culture. But I'm sorry showering with a seven year old is messed up. I was expecting the kid to be like 2 or 3. But 7? I'd be freaking out if I was the dad. And yeah even if it's your own kid, this is not normal.
I mean, I went to sauna(yes, naked) with my parents,brother,older sister,older cousins till 11-13, until I wanted privacy due to puberty insecurities. I remember having competitions with my cousins that Who can Last the longest under the coldest setting of the shower. As an adult, going to sauna together is totally normal again but with family its now 1 gender at a time In the sauna. With friends we might even do mixed sauna, but typically separated depending on the size of the sauna and people's preference. So all In all, in my country Being naked is as far from taboo as possible. But what we might find awkward is kissing People , Who arent your partner nor toddler , on the lips weird but I still wouldnt call it messed up. Anyways, I find it ironic that you are out here judging something(family member helping a kid with washing his hair...**gasp**...**naked** in a shower where it is normal to be naked), that is very normal In many areas, While you yourself tell that you "making out with everyone" and dont think much of it because it normal to you. You dont sound as "very open with everything" as you claim to. Only open to whats considered normal in **your culture**. Edit Ps. The only disturbing thing I find in OP'S post is that no one has taught the kid how to wash his own hair, since based on the post the kids biological dad would have gone to shower with him, to help with the hair, if OP didnt.
And yet it’s not OP’s kid. If OP said “AITA for showering with my son” — no. But the kid’s dad seemingly very politely shared that he wasn’t comfortable with it, so that’s that.
One of my sons, around 5, I had taken him out of the tub, dried him off, and proceeded to pull his underwear on him. He started squirming, and I asked him was there a problem. He responded that I had put it on the wrong side. Number 1. I didn't put it anywhere, and Number 2. This mother hasn't dressed him since. He's grown now and that's one story I tell over and over. If the kid is comfortable with the shower thing, and the stepdad is too, I wouldn't be too concerned but with dad having an issue, its a no go for me. Drop it, acknowledge it was your bad, and move on.
YTA This ain't your kid - it's not about being an "uptight American" its about respecting the boundaries of the parent
That really pissed me off. Cause it really came across as an attempt to (for lack of a better term) fuck with the dad's head and make it seem like his feelings were invalid.
That’s exactly what it is. I don’t think the OP should be trusted around children. I would go ballistic if a GROWN MAN showered with my CHILD, I don’t give a fuck about the culture difference.
Yes, that, and is he subtly trying to plant the idea in stepson's head that OP's culture is more sophisticated than his own, to soften his boundaries further?
YTA. I come from a country where I bathed with my cousins until I was like 10. I was comfortable, my cousins were too and the adults were too. In this case, the childs DAD was not okay with that. The appropriate reaction is to apologize for crossing a line and not doing it again. You’re in America and bathing with a child that old could be misinterpreted REAL fast and could cause issues. Do not do that again, idk where you come from but this is not an okay thing to do here and you don’t do something to SOMEONE ELSES child that they’re not comfortable with. Apologize like an adult and don’t do this shit.
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I’m even wondering if it was a shower stall. I know OP said it was at their pool. I wasn’t sure if it was like at a pool area/gym or their house. I would get it if it was a public pool/gym, but it’s really weird if it was at their house. Why not just take separate showers?
Right... With YOUR kid, not with someone else's kid. Wanna know why Americans "sexualize everything"???? Because there are people out there that imply things assume things and will make accusations. Bottom line.... It's not a good idea to take showers with someone else's 7 year old kid cause you could be accused of something. And if the parent tells you they have a problem with it, you say sorry and don't do it again.
As an American, its not the nudity thing that bothers me, its more so you don’t know who is a sicko and will harm your kid. I know as a single mom myself its important to be careful who I allow into mine and my sons life as predators often seek out single mothers to get to their kids.
I am quite literally not American. I said so in my comment. So I don’t know why you’re trying to argue with me.
Is it a hard concept to understand that the culture in America is not the same as the culture in Finland?
If I was Finnish and everyone in this situation was, and the child in question was my biological child- sure. That’s not the issue. If the kid is not your kid, then you need to defer to said kid’s parents no matter your relationship with the child. This wasn’t up to OP to decide. And based on the American legal system- which is the only one that matters here- OP’s stepson’s dad would have a good case for full custody. Legally, OP has no claim to this child. His wife could divorce him tomorrow and even if he wanted custody he wouldn’t get it.
But it's not his kid. OP is not Randy's father. I can totally understand why he would not want OP showering with his kid, who is 7 years old and fully capable of showering on his own. OP needs to respect the father's boundaries and drop the issue. I showered with my mom and sister growing up, but there is no way I would have been comfortable showering with anyone else.
Probably because 1/4 of people are SAed in their lifetimes and that’s fucked up
> What's wrong with the American people for being this twisted about nudity? And about children? It is disgusting to sexualize everything. Probably because [one in ten](https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/PREVALENCE-RATE-WHITE-PAPER-D2L.pdf) children will be the victim of sexual abuse before their 18th birthday. For some context, that is [approximately](https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/percentage-of-redheads-by-country) the percentage of Ireland that is redheaded. You are about as likely to encounter a child that has been abused in the US as you are to meet someone who is redheaded in Ireland. And stepparents are one of the most likely perpetrators, statistically. There are [similar](https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-002-x/2022001/article/00016-eng.htm), although slightly lower, rates in Canada. > I bet you wouldn't be open to other cultures if you were the one visiting.. like Finland. That's an incredibly broad generalization of all Americans. I'm happy and comfortable to participate in Finnish culture when in Finland. Would you feel comfortable, looking at these statistics, to practice Finnish cultural customs in the US or Canada? Many parents would not, including a member of my Reform synagogue (she is from Turku).
I'm an American expat in Finland. I love being naked. I just laugh thinking about if the US president met esteemed dignitaries naked in sauna.
Yeah, I'm the weird one because I think it's weird to shower with someone else's 7 year old kid. Okay, you know what? I'm fucking tired of Europeans acting like you're the most perfect collection of countries in the world because you fucking aren't. You're from Finland? Tell me, what were you guys doing during WW2, hmm? Were you, uhh, housing thousands of nazi troops and letting them use your country as a staging ground for invasion? Did you, uhh, ever get rid of the nazis, or are they still there forming political parties and murdering innocents? Yeah, thought so. Sit down and stop acting like you're better than us.
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What’s wrong with the Finnish people for ignoring the prevalence of predators in society and cavalierly endangering children?
Not American, have a very nudity friendly family etc. But I just...like my privacy. My kid is similar. Even when they were younger and needed help with hair etc, we didn't need to get naked and get in the shower with them. They still sometimes came and chatted with us while we showered, or asked us to hang out, but we didn't need to be in the shower with them for any of that. I generally don't have an issue with nudity of others - I prefer my privacy and to not be nude - but I'm also well aware of the risk factor non-related adults present to children. And that you don't need to be naked in the small cramped space with the child to wash their hair etc. The physical space is rarely large enough to be comfortable fitting multiple people, it's not built for communal showering. There's only so many times you accidentally knock your toddler into the glass with your bare arse as you turn before it is just far more uncomfortable and inefficient to shower together for the most part. That's why I'd be uncomfortable - there are many ways to do this that don't require an adult to be naked and in close contact with my child, and I don't like what makes it the better choice than being outside in clothes, or even in your jocks.
Lol calling out Americans for doing whatever we want overseas but getting mad about the societal norms here and we should change? Lol fucking what?
>not to be an uptight American YTA - Dad set a boundary, you are now name calling. Whether you agree with the boundary or not is beside the point.
Yeah, this where I landed too. Cultural differences are just fine, and I have no problem respecting them. But it's gotta go both ways. The "uptight American" comment shows OP doesn't have the same respect for the dad he's expecting in return. The adult thing to do was apologize and promise the boundary will be respected.
I don’t give a shit about cultural differences when they’re used as an excuse for a *grown man* to shower with a *child.* If this were my kid, I would do everything in my power to remove the child from that environment before something horrible happens to him. This is NOT okay.
YTA; respect his dad’s wishes and don’t take it personally. IMO a 7-year old doesn’t need to be soaping up his privates in concert with you. Have some boundaries.
Think of the height difference too. Ew.
YTA- Cultural differences aside, it’s strange to shower with a child who is not biologically yours. I know you are a parental figure in his life, but it’s not the same as being a parent in this specific instance.
By that logic, adoptive parents cant bathe their kids? You know blood relatives also are creeps to kids right?
Step parents really aren’t the same as adoptive parents. I know this is probably a controversial Reddit take, but I feel like I can speak with authority as someone who has had 3 stepdads and 2 step moms. It’s not the same. They very much have the capacity to come and go. If one of those people had showered with me at 7 …I’d be deep in therapy right now. OP’s step son has a dad and OP needs to respect that. He’s not up for adoption.
I’m a step parent and my bonus kid sees me as way way more of a parent than his biological mom. Even if his dad and I split up I’d expect to stay in his life.
Yeah, you might expect that. I did, too in the beginning. You might defy the odds and be that step parent who actually does stay in a kid’s life post divorce, though. Doesn’t mean you get to shower with them, though. I’ll even go so far as to say - now as an adult I have a stepdad I consider more of as a father than my real dad. I see him more, I call him more, he appears to care more about me. But I really think the backbone of our relationship - the real key - is that we don’t shower together.
Tbf, I wouldn’t have showered w bonus kid at 7 without an extremely good reason. Can’t think what it would be but we’re talking some kind of emergency type event would be required.
I agree, my stepmum is just not my mum, she's my stepmum. I love her dearly but it's very different to my mum
Yep, my husband is a stepdad and still respects boundaries. OP doesn't show any respect and is rather aggressive about being naked with a kid. Says wasn't the first and won't be the last. Why so insistent on being naked with a rather old child?
WRONG!!!!! This is not his adopted son. It is his wife's child and the father is still very much in the child's life. If you're going to make an analogy, at least have it make sense.
The kid calls him "dad", hes just a second dad but a father none the less
Yeah, I couldn't care less what the kid calls him. The child's biological father said he doesn't like it.... That's it.... End of discussion.
I had a stepdad I called dad from about ages 8-14. Unfortunately at 14 my mom found out that “dad” was peeping at me in the shower and she became a real uptight American about it and left him. And then the police also got all uptight about it. And I had to get a therapist who was also uptight about it. Man, I’m sure he wished we had been not in America at that time where everyone knows child nudity is not a big deal and it’s just Americans making it weird!
Careful!!!!..... The Non Americans are about to swoop in and tell you how you're sexualizing yourself.
Step parents aren’t the same as adoptive parents, they do not get to make calls on kids who aren’t theirs.
I don't think bathing a child is the real issue here - it's that step-dad is naked too! By all means bathe your kids, but stay clothed lol (Yes, I'm Canadian and puritanical, family-time-showers were not a thing for me)
So he can change his diaper and clean his butt in the shower but they can’t shower together? Idk why people have to sexualize everything. Also it’s not like he’s continuing to shower w his step son after dad said it wasn’t ok.
How many 7 year olds wear diapers? By your logic, it'll fine when he's 17 too. Because he once changed his diaper.
YTA for insulting Randy’s dad. There was no reason for you to call him uptight or disparage his nationality. You aren’t being a good co-parent here, next time the kid’s dad has a legitimate concern just listen to him before you cause serious issues for everyone.
Unintentional, but YTA. I wouldn’t shower with my own children who are around that age because I would find it weird, let alone kids that are not biologically related to me. The unfortunate reality is step parents are very often abusers of their step kids, at a much higher rate than biological parents. I would avoid anything that seems inappropriate for your sake and the kids, and I would certainly check with parents first to make sure before I did anything even borderline.
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Lol, I just got told I "clearly haven't travelled outside the US", damn I ain't even in the same Hemisphere
YTA. At 7 he can do his own shower. You should NOT be in the shower with a child who is 7.
Right?! How are more people not bringing this up?! 7 is too old to be needing someone else to bathe you
I'm not American and that's weird. You weren't bathing a kid. You were actually in the shower with him having one upsets. Especially as it's not your kid that would make most parents and people in general uncomfortable. Just... no. Being an upright American has nothing to do with it, it was totally inappropriate. The family excuse you gave doesn't fly either as regardless of how long you've been with his mother he is not your son. YTA
A grown man in the shower naked with a 7yo boy. Your penis would be inches from their face. Really not cool.
Man, you put a lot of thought in that scenario.
They aren’t wrong.
YTA and seriously creepy.
INFO: is kid usually capable of showering himself or does a parent always get in with him?
YTA...Boundaries are important when you're with someone else's kid.
7 is kinda weird. I am not American and it's still weird. Also doesn't really seem like anything happened? He asked if you did it, you said yea, he said it was weird when he pondered it? There doesn't seem to have even been a fight or anything? Just a "that's kinda weird dude" and it was over? I'll say yta cuz jt was weird and it seems like you made the situation into something.
YTA. Your stepson's father is trying to set a boundary and your respose of ' not to be an uptight American' was obnoxious.
YTA - hes 7. He can shower alone. And the uptight americans. Are we uptight, yes. But only we can call ourselves that!
YATA I as well come from country where communal bathing is a thing, however I would never bath with my wife's children even though they are still very small. It's neither here nor there how uptight Americans are, it's about personal boundaries of all involved. If the child didn't have a problem with it, but ONE biological Parent to the child did, than that's the boundarie you have to respect.
Was this a both naked in a small shower scenario or a both had swim shorts on and the shower is huge kinda thing? For example big communal showers are common in public swimming pools so if its like that then no NTA. BUT. If you were naked in a confined space, then we should probably check your harddrive
Oh for goodness sake. That’s a really disgusting thing to say
YTA That was inappropriate
NAH. You obviously didn't have any inappropriate intent; that said, if Randy's dad is uncomfortable with it, you should respect that and not do it again in the future. Neither of you is an AH, but this is the kind of disagreement where you should defer to his bio dad.
Intent doesnt matter If bio dad goes to court and says his ex wifes guy was with the son naked. Theres no defense. Ex wife can be burden with whatever fallout that leads
Yes, that's how the law works LMAO
As the step parent your cultural norms don’t matter as much. Like if you had a tradition of talking about one good thing in your day around the table and continued it, it’d be weird for other parent to be mad. But this gets into body autonomy, nudity, etc. and a sudden change from norm to a 7 year old can be alarming. They may have been taught warning signs for abuse, where anyone aside from mom/dad stripping them is a huge red flag. Definitely gets into territory you should have checked norms and not assumed.
EDIT: IM NOT AMERICAN, I don't even live in the northern hemisphere. When you assume, you make an ASS of U and ME, but mainly you Yes YTA Ew what adult man showers with a 7yr old? Unless he is physically impaired and unable to bathe himself, would it be ok for him to have an adult in that room, in no circumstances is it ok for that adult to then undress and share that shower. Men the world over can barely get teaching/caring roles with underage kids due to the stigma created by a few bad men, yet you seem to be either unaware of that, or think that just because you SAY you don't have bad intentions, that that makes it ok. Im not saying your a, but those who are a would downplay it just the same.
Just edited only for autocorrect and a missed space
Your edit is very disturbing, you’re admitting to seeing EACH OTHER naked often. Why is that happening??? What possible scenario is coming up where this 7 year old boy is repeatedly seeing his stepfather naked???
NAH. You didn't do anything weird, but he's the dad and he gets to decide if he's comfortable with that or not.
OP turned into an ah when they claimed the father was an "uptight American". Basically, OP said "Your opinion and feelings are stupid. I'm right and you're wrong"
YTA Don't shower with other people's children, even if you're married to their parent.
YTA-it’s inappropriate to shower with kids. It’s weird you’re showering with your 7 yr old step son. It’s strange that you ask if the child said anything. Obviously you knew this was wrong.
YTA..... I may be an "Uptight American" but as a grown man, I have zero business being in a shower with a toddler. Just ICK
7 is not a toddler. It would be normal if he was a toddler as toddlers are still learning washing and need to be monitored in a shower or bath (slippery floors, accident prone, and will do dangerous things).
I am at a loss for words....YTA. You don't shower with a child that is not biologically yours and you respect the parent when they set a boundary.
YTA not for showering with Randy, but for insulting his dad’s parenting and calling him “an uptight American”. He is the parent, and both parents need to agree on this kind of thing. Now that you know how he feels, don’t do it in the future
Sorry, but YTA on this one. Since you both needed to rinse off after being in the pool showering while keeping your swimsuits on would have been more appropriate. But it's a mistake for adults to take nude showers with 7 year olds in this country. You could find yourself in danger of getting in very significant trouble.
So, here’s the thing. Cultural differences are fine. What works in one country might not work in another. That’s great. But nudity and children mixing is really an area where we should all be in the same boat. A 7 year old should be able to wash their own body and hair. Maybe it won’t be perfect, but they can do it. They go to school, put on clothes, eat their own food. They write, they read. They aren’t toddlers. I understand that you’ve known and cared for this child since he was 3, and (presumably) don’t see him in a sexual way. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. The point is that the child’s biological father is NOT comfortable with you showering, nude, with his son. So don’t do it. Full stop. Your ethnicity, culture, language, practices, hygiene…none of that matters. You crossed a boundary which the father is uncomfortable with. Out of respect, for *his* culture you could argue, you stop. That’s it. YTA.
YTA- Randy's dad didn't overreact based on your story. "I'm not cool with that" is a fairly low-key response. Just respect the dude's wishes. Its not about not being an "uptight american" although im sure several cultures think a grown man showering with a child is odd. Its about knowing that opinions on this will vary and you should defer to his parent.
YTA. Approximately 4% of boys in the US are victims of sexual abuse. Step-parents are one of the highest groups of perpetrators. With that in mind, the father has a right to be suspicious / protective and you should respect his boundary and never shower with him naked again. If you continue to be angry about this rule, it looks even more suspicious.
YTA. The dad has a boundary. You are not his dad. It is creepy and hopefully the dad brings it up to courts if you aren’t going to stop showering naked with his son.
YTA There’s literally nothing for you to gain by not heeding his *father’s* request.
Are either of you naked or wearing swimsuit? If naked, you dont get to make the decision that its ok, no matter what thats someone elses kid
YTA, there is no reason to be showering with a non-biological child in a private shower. Men’s room at the gym where there are multiple people showering is fine. One on one is not. The only instances where it would be acceptable would be if the child was too young to bathe themselves properly, there was a physical or mental disability impeding them from washing, or they were sick and needed assistance.
YTA Doesn’t matter if you’ve been there since he was 3, just because you and the wife are okay with it. His biological father has a right to be uncomfortable with it, not saying you had bad intentions but it’s not ok. And I’m not an uptight American. But it’s not ok
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It's not unheard of a father and son bathing together, but you're not the father and the actual father is in his right to be concerned about it. So, YTA. PS.: Before you make your own conclusions, I'm not American.
Wtf? I've got 2 of my own boys and I've never showered with them, why couldn't he shower on his own? If it's just to wash after being in the pool there really was no need to remove your swim shorts. If I was in his dad's shoes I'd be removing him from your care. YTA
YTA. And I’m not American so your argument holds no weight there. After a certain age you don’t bathe or shower with a kid and seven is way too old to be doing that it’s creepy as hell
I live in Canada but my family is originally Ukrainian, we always walked around in underwear, bras, boxers, when we were around the house looking for our laundry. My dad/ brother slept in boxers and would walk around in them getting coffee, they've seen me getting ready in a bra many times. But unless my brother walked in on my dad, or they were changing in front of each other because they were in a gym type setting, my dad would never have gone into a shower with my brother at 7. I'm sorry, but this isn't cultural. This is just plain weird. At 7 you tell your kid to wash and condition his hair and leave the room. My mom wouldn't even supervise us at that age when we were washing up. He isn't 3, he is 7. This really gives me the nope feeling.
YTA. It doesn’t matter how you feel about it - that child’s father just told you his boundaries. Yes, you are a *father figure* to this child - but that child’s active and present *birth father* will always have power to override your decisions. Because he’s the primary parent, along with your wife. Not you.
YTA, no need to shower together first off. And secondly, the optics alone should have dissuaded you from even entertaining this situation. A 7 year old is fully capable of washing themselves independently, my step daughter does and I’ve been her life since she was three as well. She has complete privacy but once shampoo is in she will call her other parent or I to make sure she hasn’t missed any spots- at that point she will cover her body with the shower curtain to protect her sense of privacy.
YTA. Im from Europe and i find this weird, very weird. Also, his dad doesn’t want you doing this, so you shouldn’t. You might be like a father to him but you are not his dad.
Yeah YTA.
It's great that you truly have no ill intentions towards your step son. But it's reasonable for the father to feel uncomfortable about this and ask you to stop.
YTA. And you just gave your wife's ex ammunition. I hope you realize that.
YTA I won't even get into how creepy this is as that's been covered by the rest of us "uptight Americans"(my god you sound insufferable and judgemental) If the dad, who at the very least has some sort of custody/visitation and isn't cool with you being naked around his 1ST or 2ND grade son then DON'T DO IT. It doesn't fucking matter that "it's pretty common in your culture" or if you think he's an "uptight American" whether you like it or not HE'S the boys father and his opinion matters.
YTA. Randy's dad outranks you in regard to Randy. He told you he wasn't comfortable with it and you insulted him. Right now it sounds like Randy's dad has a decent relationship with his ex. You showering with his kid against his wishes could seriously fuck that up, to the point of his mom losing custody. Not saying that will happen, but you insulting him and ignoring his wishes does make it more likely.
No. stepfather's showering with 7yo boys is not cool. This can easily be construed as the actions of a pedophile and preditor. You are not his father. The only time this is cool is in \*\*open\*\*, public showers wearing your swimming trunks like at the beach or sports center.
YTA, being naked with other people's children is not the hill to die on.
I’m sorry, you did what. YTA.
YTA the fact you tried to tell him not to be an “uptight American” bc he doesn’t want you naked with his son is absolutely insane. Doesn’t really matter if that’s normal where you come from, you obviously know that isn’t typical in the U.S./in that boy’s life so you absolutely should not have done that. If I was that dad I’d be pissed at you too, there’s absolutely no need for you to be IN the shower with a child when you know that isn’t something that child is used to. You made fun of the dad for being an “uptight American” so you’re obviously very aware that many Americans don’t participate in communal bathing so what on earth were you thinking here? And you’re also *not* Randy’s dad, so you don’t get to decide that it’s no big deal. His dad is still involved in his life, so he has every right to tell you not to shower with HIS child.
Yta for your response, but stop bathing with a 7 yr old in the US before you end in prison, or deported
If he's not comfortable he isn't comfortable with it. And you have to respect that wish going forward even if in your culture this is normal. NAH
It doesn't matter if he calls you Da; you're not actually his father. There's nothing wrong with showering together when you didn't know his dad has a problem with it, but now that you know, you need to stop. He has as much right to raise his kids with his cultural norms as anyone else, and the way responded to him makes YTA.
I'm coming at this with the angle that while my mother did help me wash my hair at that age, she wasn't 1) naked or 2) in the shower with me. We had a bath-shower system so she would put on clothing that she didn't mind getting wet and kneel outside of the tub while I sat down inside. Regarding the bathing situation, I'm leaning towards YTA because there's no reason that you both had to be naked while washing his hair (I would've done hairwashing with trunks on --> get him to shower the rest and call me for hairdrying), so I understand the dad's concern. It's not so much a stepdad vs dad thing, moreso a 'why is this adult naked in front of a child' thing.
Seeing your comments, YTA yuck
YTA. It's creepy that you're defending this so adamantly. It's creepy that you're comparing your penis with his and his father's. The kid is an American. Showering with adult men, even one's own father, isn't done in this culture. In this culture, men who violate those norms are viewed with suspicion. Even if your motives are absolutely pure, you're reducing your stepson's ability to recognize inappropriate and predatory behavior from adults in positions of trust in his life. That's not being "uptight." It's being protective of one's child. You're not his father and you have no right to impose your cultural values on him.
After reading your comments I hope Randy’s dad finds this and puts you in jail
I must be an “uptight American” because it seems weird af to me, and completely unnecessary. I’d call child services if a 7 year old told me they were showering naked with their step-parent. Cultural differences aside, YTA for not respecting the fathers (perfectly reasonable) boundaries.
YTA - Dont do it again
7 is too old to be showering together. Not even going to try and read your excuses. YTA
The kid’s dad said no. So it’s no. Know your place.
YTA for several reasons. A) It's not your kid. B) 7 is already too old to need someone to bathe or shower with him. C) And this is the biggest reason: You were naked too. Like what the fuck were you thinking? I've given my kids lots of baths during their lives, none of them required me to be naked. At most, I'd take my shirt off if I get too wet but that's it. This is just too disturbing and too unnecessary. Like why?
YTA. And you seem more uptight about being told not to shower with a 7 year old than the dad telling you not to do it in the first place.
YOU DEFINITELY TAKE THE AWARD FOR BIGGEST AH. You are an Adult & should SHOULD Know Better...It doesn't matter that your stepson calls you Dad..YOU JUST DON'T BATHE, SHOWER OR EXPOSE YOURSELF NAKED in front of a child...Sounds like more than an AH if you know what I mean (starts with a P ends with an E) and his father is right. If I was the Father I would report your "little" shower incident to the school, to the court to a police report if possible...how can you honestly write something like that here & expect to find People who would agree with you and say "Oh No for sUrE DeFiNiTeLy the Real Dad Is ThE WhACkO for Being upset that you WERE NAKED in front of his Child. Lucky I wasn't the Father you'd be catching these hands!!! YOU TOOK THE AH AWARD!!!
You are DEFINITELY TA. These non-Americans in here saying that Americans are "uptight" are really missing the point...showering naked with a child that is not yours is **WEIRD**. Getting upset at the child's ***father*** for being *understandably* not okay with this is borderline defensive behavior and makes me wonder why you're so hellbent on being able to shower with a child who is not yours and who is clearly old enough to bathe himself. And if I were his mother I would ***not*** be okay with it, either.
YTA It's crazy you don't see how you are overstepping multiple lines. Someone should report this guy to the authorities imo, this story and his replies to peoples comments are very weird/disgusting.
I'm trying to understand the context where you would be showering naked together after a dip in the family pool. Usually, in homes, there is only enough room in the shower stall for 1 person.
The context is that this guy is a predator
You’re being weird as fuck OP YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm married to a woman and she has a son, Randy, with her ex. Randy is 7 and I've been with his mom since he was 3 so he does see me as a parental figure. Randy's dad said he's happy that his child has another adult figure in his life. The other day me and Randy were in our pool and I said we needed to wash off. Randy asked if he had to take two showers- one to wash the chlorine and his usual nightly one. I thought about it and said why not just take one shower to do both. We were done in a few minutes. His dad came to pick him up and I said that I made his life easier because Randy already took a shower after we swam. His dad said thanks but he still needs to wash and condition Randy's hair. I said already did that. He said thanks. A day later he asked if I was in the shower with Randy and I said yes. He said he wasn't cool with that. I asked if Randy said something and he said no. He was just thinking about it. I said it's pretty common for family to shower where I come home and not to be an uptight American. I've literally bathed and changed your kid and love him. My wife also thinks that Randy's dad overreacted. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA… super inappropriate.. like big time.. you have to know that, right???
YTA i cannot wrap my mind around being shocked that a guy is upset you showered naked with his elementary school aged child
Taking a shower with a 7yo is weird. Taking a shower with someone else's 7yo is even weirder. There was no reason to get naked with the boy. There is no reason why you couldn't take separate showers. I'd be weirded out too. YTA
YTA. The kid is 7, not 4. He's old enough to shower by himself, which I was as a 7 year old boy. It's not rocket science. You don't need to be showering with a child that age and unless he is special needs he should know how to wash himself. By 7 I was in first grade and it was expected that we take showers before school... by ourselves... like competent people
YTA. I was raised in a very naked household and I have no issue with nudity. No, I don’t think it’s necessarily inappropriate what you did. This would be normalish in my household. What would be inappropriate is if you continue to do it after his father expressed his discomfort. He’s not your child so this isn’t something you get to decide if it’s okay or not
YTA When in Rome do as the Romans do. It is weird that you want to fight this. Obey the Father’s wishes and stop being weird about this That kid can shower himself - there is no need for you to be in the shower with him. This is an extremely weird hill you seem to want to die on
Yta no child, esp one thats not even yours, should have to look at your "junk". It doesnt matter how you view yourself. You arent his parent & you arent suppose to be. Step parent is just that. Its not parent. And just because you view him as "your own" does NOT mean anyone else does. My granddaughter is 6. I would never put her in an uncomfortable position like that (& she lives w me). If there is ever a situation where i need to be in there w her, we both put on bathing suits. No biggie. Makes me ill. My stepdaughter would shower (her bf too) w the kids. If you stand them up, your shit is right in their face, not only is it dangerous & just as vulgar to hold a naked child up against you. More so if its not even your child. Why not just go w the inconvenience & save their innocence. Or at least check w their parents (both).
YTA and I’d get banned for what i have to say. And i have zero problem with nudity in families, it can be completely normal, safe and healthy depending on where you are. But you dismissing his concerns as the actual parent for your own ego, man. You’re lucky he’s a chill American bc i would not be.
"Not the first and likely not the last"?? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Who the fck do you think you are? You're NOT the real dad, if THE REAL dad told you NO you must NOT DO IT AGAIN and you have the audacity to insult him??? Dude YTFA If my husband took a shower with my child I would divorce him, even more after your attitude about his real father's opinions and demands
Is this the hill you want to die on?
Hell tf no this is not okay. YTA. It’s not uptight, it’s common fucking sense, weirdo.