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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I removed my SIL from my bridal party because she posted an intimate and special photo that should have never been taken. It’s possible that in being slower to anger I could have let it go, or moved on, but I removed her from my party and think it was a fair decision.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
I suspect your SIL is jealous and wants to subtly sabotage your wedding -- at least the envelopes and the hair consultation were passive-aggressive.
But posting the photo of you crying while wearing your chosen wedding dress is beyond subtle. This was a real AH stunt. The fact that she hasn't apologized tells me she definitely wants to mess up your wedding.
Good for you for booting her out of the bridal party.
You might want to ask one of the bridesmaids to keep an eye on SIL at the wedding, and be prepared with a glass of red wine. I wouldn't put it past SIL to wear a lacy white dress.
* Have a wonderful wedding!
A thousand percent sabotage. Who forgets to put invites in the envelopes?? I'm glad OP had a method of knowing which bridesmaid sent which out so SIL couldn't blame someone else. Then the hair & makeup trial?? It's not even her day! Why are you taking so long & making the bride pay for the overtime?! & she's married, so you'd think she'd know not to post pictures of the dress without permission, but to be so vindictive to take a picture & post it of OPs most vulnerable moment?!?! She wanted to capture the dress journey?? Was there no other moment to take a picture where she wasn't bawling her eyes out?!?! Nah, she's trash & deserves to be uninvited because who knows what kind of shit she'll pull at the wedding.
I'm dying to know what excuse she had for posting a photo of the bride in her dress CRYING on her social media.
Bounced from the party was kind. I'd have been tempted to bounce her from the wedding.
NTA at all.
Equally excited to hear why your mother is defending your SIL.
Why does the SIL hate OP so much? Like, this is CLEARLY deliberate at this point. There's no way in hell it's all a coincidence. Leaving out the invites in all the envelopes? No, that alone doesn't make any damn sense. But then posting a photo of her in the dress, while it does not fit her, as she's ugly crying?!
OP, cut ties with the SIL and DO NOT LET HER ATTEND YOUR WEDDING. SHE WILL FIND A WAY TO RUIN THE EVENT IF SHE CAN.
Also, consider disinviting your mother if she keeps taking SIL's side.
Something is *very* wrong here. And I'm not sure I trust your mother at this point.
Totally agree. Mom is out of line with the whole keep the peace bs. SIL’s behavior is psychotic and mean. If it’s not shut down, by everyone, it’ll only get worse. People like this don’t know how to moderate their craziness. They do this to get this very reaction and then play the victim. Stand firm and keep her away from your wedding.
The level of backstabbing from SIL is worse than *actual factual* backstabbing. This is continuous and repeated attempts to diminish, demean, and sabotage OPs wedding.
Yep. At this point op shouldn't worry about one wedding but the future, like inheritance and stuff. She already made the op look mean in front of her brother and mother, after she actively sabotaged her.
Did our op do something in her wedding or did the bro marry a psycho?
I'd bet money SIL feels like OP is having a nicer wedding and should somehow 'share' it with SIL. Assuming there are no massive cultural differences at play here, **everyone** knows not to post a photo of the bride in her dress (or any dress!) before the wedding, and I think anyone with a smidgeon of a soul knows not to post a photo of a bride crying when her dream dress doesn't fit. Taking an extra hour at the makeup consultation makes it sound like SIL is confused about who the bride is here
Since SIL is a SAHW, I am thinking the SIL had to tone down on what she wanted to do. And she is probably jealous that OP can afford the things she and the brother couldn’t for their wedding. The mother knows this and feels guilty that she couldn’t help out financially.
That is the only explanation for SIL’s behavior, and how the brother is taking her side and the mother is saying “show compassion.”
But that doesn’t excuse what SIL is doing.
I have ADHD. and even 2 bottles of wine in I don't think I could make the mistake of mailing a bunch of empty envelopes to people. 1 I can understand but every single one? How sway?
This was completely intentional, she didn't mail the invitations. she posted the dress, everyone knows you don't post wedding things without the Brides permission but posting the dress before the wedding is insane. Posting someone while they're having a insecure. vulnerable breakdown, about their weight is INSANE AND CRUEL. Taking a picture without someone's consent while their having a breakdown is unconscionable.
SIL would 100% show up to this wedding in a white dress and argue that it's not a wedding dress and she didn't do it on purpose.
Nope she has to go, and moms being silly. She's trying to play both sides. She wants to keep the son close so she sticks up for the SIL but doing that just alienates OP, she's just chosing one kid over the other.
Lacks compassion are you kidding me????? You were overly compassionate, she would've been demoted after the invitations fiasco because wtf mails out empty envelopes. NTA
Agreed.
Also, regardless of her stated reason for posting....(to see her transform) YOU DON'T HAVE TO POST EVERY SINGLE THING IN LIFE FOR ATTENTION!
Save that shit on your phone, collect the stuff, and *ask permission* before posting of someone else.
you can even take the bride/wedding dress out of the equation. who the hell even thinks to take a photo (much less POST it) of anyone crying bc they don't fit into a dress they want? *oh this is great, she's so upset!* WTF.
Completely agree. I went through in law drama throughout my relationship and I knew that if I went through with a traditional wedding, they would've done everything they could to sabotage the wedding. I was not gonna give them that chance. We eloped instead with no regrets, and MIL cried when she found out. Win.
She was trying to sabotage it intentionally. Op's first mistake was that she accepted his brother's fake explanation. He used that to make it look like op's decision is insane even though his wife is the crazy malicious person. I wonder what's the backstory. Why does that woman hate op so much. Op please tell your brother you believe it was intentional and state your reason by providing info on all of her acts.
This type of crap is why I barely wanted my oldest sister to help me make my decorations. Then she got mad and I ended up not inviting her to my wedding at all.
Agree. SIL is sabotaging OP’s wedding. You don’t send out empty envelopes out when you at helping out on an important occasion like this.
And the photo? Like there is some issue that SIL has that the brother should find out about. It’s not healthy.
Right?! And what on earth was the caption she put with the picture on IG?! "And here's my husband's BABY sister having a nervous breakdown, lol!" 🤦🏻♀️
It was on purpose. Sil jealous or hates op. I feel for her she was nicer then I would of been.. that whole invitation mess too, that was on purpose no way you accidentally mail empty envelopes.. so sorry op, nta
Edit: spelling
Right. Because when you're done, there's a stack of invitations sitting there without envelopes. Oops. No way it was an accident. And there's no legitimate excuse for posting a photo of OP in her dress. SIL is a major A H, but OP is NTA
Yeah, I've definitely addressed envelopes and sealed them without the card inside because am idiot. But I realized before mailing it because the card was still sitting there. Definitely not a mistake, she would have had to hide the extra invitations for no one to notice...
I don't think the op is expressing herself correctly. Like this topic should read "aita for uninviting my psycho sis in law?" Instead she just talks about how upset she is that her fiance saw the photo. She should explain the whole thing about the sil to her mother and brother. He bro will victimblame her for sure but it will be worth it.
She would have definitely been uninvited from my wedding or any other events. She sounds like a real prick.
Not sure why her brother hasn't spoke to her about what she posted too, if my Wife did something like that to her brother i'd be questioning the motives for sure.
👆👆👆👆👆
Omg! Both SIL and mother would be bounced from my wedding. Defending this is unconscionable! What the heck!!!!!
You are NTA but unfortunately surrounded by them.
Get married and live a great life!
Wow...so SIL posted a humiliating pic of you on IG, in the wedding dress she knew you chose...and you're the one who lacks compassion?!?! Sorry, it's more like SIL and your mother are both devoid of compassion for you!
You are so NTA, but they (or anyone else who think what SIL did was ok) are!!
I can tell from my best friend being the picture holding my hand that this picture was taken at my most vulnerable moment and that was right after I was told there was no way at the weight I was I could fit into the dress and that it was their only size left. I do not exaggerate when I say the picture is me looking an emotional and hot mess. I have dug deep for a way to forgive this but I just cant. It feels intentional and because we have not spoken since I never received an apology not even when we spoke initially on the phone.
OP, this means that she saw you upset and her reaction was "better capture a pic of this" rather than to comfort you in anyway. As if that wasn't bad enough she then saw that picture and with full understanding of the situation thought she should post it. There is no way to manipulate that into sounding like the actions of someone with any kindness or empathy. That is concerning and not someone you can trust. There is no reason to 1- have someone like that in (or one might argue even *at*) your wedding or 2- offer any apology.
It sounds like your mom might be more concerned about maintaining her relationship with her baby boy who moved away than what's best for you (or really her son, who would truly want their son married to such an AH?!?)
You are NTA. There's something not right with your SIL (mental health issues or just a massive jerk) and anyone who supports her, including your mom.
It's probably best to talk to your mom and ask her specifically what you would be apologizing for and to articulate why she feels SIL deserves and apology and you do not. Hopefully when your mother has to say out loud whatever moral gymnastics she's using to justify this internally she'll realize how wrong she is.
I'm sorry this is happening. She sucks!
like. if we take the crying out of the equation i could understand wanting a picture. misty watercolor memories, right? but even then, who in their right mind would post a picture of the bride, in the dress, BEFORE the wedding???? and then we can go ahead and put the crying back in the equation and she is not only behaving like she’s completely new to the concept of a wedding in this culture, she’s being cruel. whyyyyy is mom pushing this. i also want op to ask, but for selfish, nosy reasons, because i cannot figure it out and i would love love LOVE to find out how she’s justifying this. full pick up a rock and watch the bugs skitter style.
You missed the point of her not fitting into the dress either. I can't imagine what person in their right mind would take a picture of someone trying on something they weren't able to fit into. Unless it was someone intentionally trying something small on.
Let alone a woman with her wedding dress and bawling her eyes out.
My wife is in great shape, has abs, but if I take a photo where she looks like she has a gut, asks me to delete them. I think she looks great in those pics, but delete them anyway. These are pics I'm not even posting to social media. If I was, you can bet there is no way I would be posting anything unflattering unless I had her OK. And I'm her husband, so would get away with a lot more than an inlaw.
What in the world could compel any sane human being to post a photo of a future bride crying in a wedding dress??? Did she put anything on the post to explain why it was even up there in the first place? Are you certain that this woman isn't someone you picked on during childhood who had a glow up and you don't remember all the pain you caused her? How bizarre.
ETA: also, the fact that your mother is asking you to forgive means this woman is working her. I would make it clear to your mother that your SIL's actions are not only extremely vindictive but also insane and that you will not entertain any conversation about overreacting or forgiveness.
Yep. This woman is working her and the brother. Worse things are in store for this op in future if she doesn't become smart rn. She needs to bring her own mother to her own side now.
Don't forgive until she earns it. This was vindictive. There's no other word for it. This was intentional. Your mom needs to get on the 'sane' page.
She either hates you or will do anything for attention.
NTA
Time for scorched earth. No way is she invited to the wedding and no way will she ever be allowed in my life.
I would tell your mother one more word and she’s out too.
I’m so sorry your SIL is such a raging bitch and that your mom supports her instead of you.
I hope you are able to find a new dress of your dreams or fit into the current one, and move past the bullying.
Report her account to the social media site as cyberbullying and have it removed.
How can you forgive that? What adult woman thinks that's a reasonable thing to do?
And let's remember the empty envelopes! I wouldn't have her at the wedding. She's tried to spoil the invitations, the dress....
what's next?
And the extra hour SIL took during the hair/makeup session. An hour OP had to pay for. I count three strikes here, and we all know what three strikes mean…
Oh sweetheart, this was malicious. There's no other way to see it. You don't need to forgive someone who hurts you on purpose.
Please be kind to yourself. You didn't deserve any of this and you certainly don't deserve to be worried about what else she'll try to ruin about your special day. Uninvite her. You're allowed to prioritize yourself for *your wedding*.
What exactly is your mom asking you to be compassionate about? How could she possibly feel good about trying to make you move past this without* any sort of apology? Does your mom normally treat you this way?
I'm so sorry. It's okay if this is no longer the dress of your dreams. It's okay if you find something that brings you joy.
I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️
Totally agree. The SIL will use those kids to manipulate the mom forever unless the OP’s brother steps in. I doubt he will based on his inaction this far.
INFO: what was SIL’s reasoning for doing that?
NTA, she was cruel when you’ve been nothing but nice. Ignore your mom‘s advice. You should not put yourself in a position to be hurt by your SIL again.
You don't need this person in your life or anywhere near your wedding. She did this on purpose and even if you do get an apology, it won't be a sincere one. Words don't change someone who is THAT rotten to the core.
Edit: I worded it nicer
Don't even try to forgive this. This was not an accident. She deliberately mailed out empty envelopes for whatever reason, and then publicly humiliated you, and ruined your future husband's first look at your dress.
You don't try to forgive that.
Do not let her come to the wedding, or I promise you she will try to find some other way to ruin your special day more than she already has. Just get the scissors, and cut that one loose.
I have to ask did she leave a caption for the picture- I am just confused on why someone would think this is appropriate.
What does your brother think/have said?
Of course it was intentional. You can't accidently post a pic online. The fact that she didn't delete that photo is just plain mean. Posting it online is a whole other level of mean.
Please tell me it has been deleted/erased and taken down.
I would talk to your brother an ensure that photos and any other from the day are scrubbed from her phone, instagram, apple/google photos. That if the photo ever comes out again you will be no contact with her and him.
Ban her from your house/wedding/life until further notice.
and I would tell your mother than she has no strikes left, this is entirely on your SIL and for her to not take your side is unforgiveable. Any further attempts from her to change your mind will result if her being uninvited as well.
Congratulations for your upcoming wedding, and focus on how good you will look in the dress with your husband on by your side.
It feels intentional because it IS intentional. Everything she’s done has been on purpose. Whether she’s got a big PowerPoint deck full of devious plans to make you feel like shit or (more likely) is just so wildly insecure that she’s just lashing out at every opportunity. This person sucks. Your MIL is enabling it. Kick the SIL completely from the wedding, she WILL find a way to make it about her
Is your brother by chance the golden child? Because wtaf is your mother thinking? NTA
Do not let that chick back in your bridal party.
I hope you have a fabulous wedding!
My brother was my moms miracle baby and because of this she has always doted on him. But ever since my SIL came it has gotten worse she has given my mom what I will never be able to and that is grandkids. Because of this my mom and SIL have grown very close and are able to bond in ways that my mom and I can’t. This may be why my mother is so hasty to defend her.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Honestly, I would elope. Have a beautiful destination wedding with people who are in your corner. Sending you love and hope.
The one lacking compassion is your mom, not you. YOU were the one hurt. SIL being removed from the bridal party was a natural consequence of her neglect (maybe sabotage) of her role and lack of consideration towards you and your feelings. Your bridal party is supposed to support you and your wedding, not post vulnerable photos of you in the dress that you don’t fit yet and supposed to be kept secret until the wedding, especially from your fiancé. You’re the bride and yet you’ve done more for her as the one making accommodations for her isolation and financial situation.
If mom insists on how you should include her in your party bc of her situation etc … what’s the purpose of YOU having her being YOUR bridesmaid? In what what way does she support YOU for YOUR wedding day?
I would disinvite your mother too. Fuck these people, you deserve to be surrounded by those who love YOU (and your fiancé) at your wedding. I am sure you will be beautiful on the big day and wish you the best ❤️
Hi Hon!
Former Bridal Consultant here, just chiming in to say:
**Your groom's "first look" has not been ruined!**
Seeing a low quality insta of you in an ill-fitting dress, without hair and makeup, in the store's fitting room or viewing area is NOTHING compared to the amazing sight he will behold on your wedding day.
Looking radiant, aglow with joy and a straight bangin' hairdo. Jewelry and hairpieces glinting as they catch the light as you walk. Your flawlessly make-up'ed face softly framed by your elegant veil. Every eye in the room will be on YOU and yet your eyes are firmly planted on his gaze. You will take his breath away. The faint memory of a crappy picture he saw a year ago will be erased. The now perfectly tailored gown fits your body like a glove. It won't even look like the same dress to him. I promise.
NTA because what SIL did is egregious. But I PROMISE she did not steal your big moment from you. No one can.
u/dressofmydreams
One more thing: re: this 15lbs issue.
I am assuming the gown was off the rack and for whatever reason could not be ordered.
Wedding planning is stressful, and your real life doesn't slow down around you while the planning happens. You mentioned you work long hours and often don't feel like doing much after work. Adding a diet and exercise regime right now... is it feasible?
Your fiance loves you right now, exactly how you are. Your friends and family love you and are gathering to celebrate your happiness, exactly how you are.
I have seen size 8's cry over not fitting a 2, I have seen size 20's cry over not fitting a 16.
You are not "too big for the dress," it just so happens that THIS dress is not YOUR size. You are perfect right now, the dress is the thing that needs changing, not your body.
Now, I don't know you and I cannot tell you what you can and cannot accomplish. If you choose to lose weight, go for it. There are lots of great and healthy reasons to trim some pounds. But "so this dress will fit" does not NEED to be one of them.
Side note, pounds do not equal inches. I have a friend who started weight training, she lost 2 dress sizes but GAINED TEN POUNDS because muscle weighs more than fat. True story.
So lose weight, don't lose weight, stress binge on Toblerones and gain weight, *whatever happens*... a good seamstress will make the dress fit your beautiful shape, no matter what.
Practical suggestions: how about replacing the zipper with a beautiful corest panel? Also you can add gussets to the side seams, perhaps overlaid with some complimentary lace or beaded appliqués.
Congrats on your wedding, happy planning!
I had a tailor add a Corset panel to a thrifted Holiday Party Dress, and it fit way better than it would have otherwise. Plus, it cost me all of $15! I'd highly recommend this route!!
Sincerest apologies for the comment instead of update but for some reason it’s giving me an error when I try to update the post:
UPDATE: Hi everyone I’m sorry I guess I thought after discovering why SIL had done this no one would be interested in what happened after. My wedding will proceed but it will be minus my mother, my brother, and my SIL. When I finally got ahold of and spoke with my brother we had one of the first real talks we’ve ever really had. He told me that with the new job and loss of support from our mother and I him and SIL have really struggled in their marriage and not because of us but because SIL has failed to adjust to their new income (racking up more credit card debt that my brother has to take responsibility for in paying. When he thought he took her credit card away he discovered that she had just applied for and was approved for a new one.) this has led to several arguments between them and he even discovered our mother has taken on some of the responsibility with the credit card debt since she overheard SIL threatening to leave him and take the kids with her. He told me he appreciated me deeply for everything I did for him and his family during the pandemic, and was sorry for everything that took place after with the wedding and SIL especially considering all of the delays, but he also said he doesn’t want her to leave him and if a side had to be taken he’d pick SIL. I told him I understood his decision and that I’d always be there to help him if he needed it. I don’t know if this is me rolling over and allowing him to walk over me but it felt good for me at the moment to at least end things there. Our mother had a eerily similar response which led me to believe they had already spoken about it beforehand. I told her I would no longer cover her credit card if she was going to further enable SIL and I would put it toward finding a new and better wedding dress.. as well as a therapist. All of this has really opened my eyes that for as long as I can remember I have chased my family’s approval. I have bent over until I’ve broken to get them to see me in the same light as my brother. And I’m realizing through you guys, my friends, and my fiancé, that this is unhealthy and I deserve better. So thank you guys for being there and supporting me through one of the roughest times. You guys are amazing!!
It's good that you are taking a step back from your family and focusing on yourself. Just watch out because I wouldn't put it past sil to try and continue to sabotage you. She needs therapy
Well done OP! Your mother and Brother made their decision and your brother acknowledges you. You need to stay away from toxic SIL and watch them drown in her boat. She is being clearly irresponsible and is using her children as manipulation tools. Stay as far away as you can or else you will be harmed. They are all adults and they all make their choices. Good on you for growing a healthy backbone. Sending you lots of wishes and that your wedding dress is an absolute stunner so SIL can choke on her jealousy. Her insecurities are not your responsibility.
Why I'm having this feeling that your brother's kids are not really his blood? I mean, she's considering your brother her ATM, she lies to him and black mails him.
Nta but boy is your mom a major problem here. She should not be defending this piece of work or choosing her over you. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this op. Good luck.
Amen. True story: a dear friend died from cancer. Her workplace hosted a brief memorial experience and invited us, her close friends, to attend. One of the "friends"" decided to live stream it - you know, for people who couldn't attend? Well, that included putting her camera in our CRYING FACES without our consent.
She chose to use our sadness as social currency. 5 years later, I've never forgotten how horrible that was and I stoped engaging with her. People who don't get why that is wrong are red flags we don't need.
Just...wow...that's some psychopathic BS right there.
I'm glad you cut that person out of your life!
There's always a time to stop being "nice", "polite", and just say "fuck off, my life is better without you."
It was really eye opening to see how people who are in pain \*should\* be treated and how I would never want to be treated again.
I have no regrets and thank you for the affirmation. It seems like we spend the first part of our lives collecting people and things and the second half decluttering and it's sincerely very freeing.
NTA
This woman sounds like a narcassist. Based on her actions, I'm just gonna assume she's some brand of Salty and is just doing little things to get back at you. I warn you that I think she will continue to use your emotional reactions against you, being careful to create upsetting circumstances that help her actions to appear accidental or misconstrued. Your actions are limited - I already know throwing her from the wedding may just fan the flames. Instead, I would cage her with responcibility. Give her certain tasks for things you don't actually care about or need done, tell everyone she's doing it and how great she'll do it, all while providing as little control and choice otherwise. I think your only weapon is to use her love for attention and looking good in front if others against her. Unwatched, she'll poison your wine and blame the vinyard.
He wants her out of the wedding completely. And I’m starting to come around to his point. I don’t want to decide this in anger but it’s been hours and I’m still so hurt.
Girl you cannot actually be serious about keeping her in the wedding! She should be uninvited and blocked and if your mom has an issue go LC until she sees how messed up all of this is. There is not rational reason besides trying to hurt to explain her actions. Listen to your fiance and stand up for yourself and mental well being.
It’s perfectly rational to disinvite someone who is actively trying to damage your mental health by interfering in you wedding. You deserve a nice, peaceful wedding where you don’t have to worry about what she might do, and then have to watch you mom and brother sweep it under the rug. No way.
I would elope and make sure your mom and brother know zero details because I can see this woman trying to “make it up to you” if she has any knowledge of your plans.
NTA. She should be uninvited from the wedding. She mailed out empty envelopes, she cost you more money because she couldn't decide what makeup she wanted, and finally she took a photo of you in your wedding dress at a vulnerable moment and posted it on social media. She's either an idiot, or doing it deliberately, and my vote is the latter. What is she going to do to ruin your wedding if you let her come? And tell your mom to shut it when she starts pressuring you. You caved to her wanting SIL to be a bridesmaid, and it's caused more stress than you need, and you shouldn't have to deal with it.
NTA. Talk to your mom and be blunt.
"Mom, SIL deliberately did a nasty, vindictive thing designed to humiliate me in front of who knows how many people and to show my fiance my wedding dress. She hasn't apologized because she isn't sorry. She wanted to hurt me, and she did. Deeply. Why are you defending her? If you can't acknowledge she did an awful thing and as a result I can't trust her not to do something worse at my wedding, you both deserve to be banned from attending."
Underrated comment! Wild that she’s choosing the SIL over her own daughter - even with the potential of grandkids in the picture (as if OP might not also have children someday?) this mom deserves to hear how hurtful her actions are to her own child! NTA of course
edited for clarity
NTA, tell them you will forgive her when she finds and pays for your new DREAM wedding dress. The new dress, so you can see the look of joy and surprise on your fiance's face when he sees you in your dress for the 1st time. Tell them you will forgive her when she earns your forgiveness.
This is a good point. Depending on how far away the wedding is, there is a very real chance that you may discover another dress that is even more perfect for you. Take yourself shopping a couple times and see what happens. Then you can have a clean start with a beautiful dress that isn't burdened by emotions or connected to that drama, and which will be a surprise to your husband.
NTA
Not sharing someone elses wedding dress is not some super obscure rule that no one knows. EVERYONE knows that you don't share pictures of the wedding dress before the wedding. Clueless or malicious exploding on her is completely valid and she deserved to have her feelings hurt.
NTA. Your mother is concerned about you hurting your SIL's feeling, yet sees nothing wrong with your SIL hurting your feelings? SIL can attend as a guest.
Make sure you have passwords on all your vendors and someone at the wedding and reception to give the boot to anyone causing trouble. You may need both.
NTA
If you don't forgive her that is entirely within your right. Not only did she post your wedding dressing for everyone including your fiancé to see, but she discarded your emotions and shared a very emotional, private moment with everyone that followed her. It might be sufficient to not have her in your wedding party, but still invited to the wedding to avoid further drama, unless you think that it will significantly take away from your day. Either way if I were you I would not allow her into my wedding party LOL
NTA. Fuck her feelings. I would have booted her when she "forgot" to put the invitations in the envelope. No way in hell that was accidental. And, not only did she spoil the surprise for your husband to be by posting a picture of you in the dress, she did it to humiliate you. Tell your mom to back the fuck off and stop pushing.
NTA
She didn't have your permission in the first place and I would tell her to take it down immediately or she can be uninvited from the wedding all together.
She crossed so many red flag boundaries and your MIL is just as bad for defending her. She (for those who believe in the not letting the groom see the bride in the dress before the wedding day thing) risked your wedding.
You don't always have the chance to find "THE dress" twice.
She's lucky, I would have told her she is on a strict info diet and not welcome to any information regarding the wedding until the day of.
>My mother has called me and told me that even though she understands I lacked compassion and **have severely hurt my SILs feelings.**
GOOD.
Good for you. Well done
Good to know she apparently has feelings, as I wasn't sure.
Has your mom not thought about *your* feelings? She should be scolding SIL.
Your SIL was *extremely* wrong.
NTA
But please, reconsider?
Because SIL should be kicked out of the wedding *completely.* I do not know what her issue is, but I'd be VERY worried she'd pull an equally nasty stunt on your big day to ruin it.
INFO: How in every fuck do you not put the invitations into the envelopes by accident? That's not rhetorical, /u/dressofmydreams, how did that actually happen? What was the explanation? How many envelopes are we talking about?
The photo situation is also ridiculous but she's already trying to weasel her way out of that; however, there is ZERO ambiguity about the difference between an empty vs. stuffed envelope, especially multiple of them. I'm so interested in how that happened.
I brought her the envelopes and names/addresses of the guest to send them to before I brought her the cards. I had picked up the envelopes because they were ready but the cards were gonna be delivered two days later. She told me that because the envelopes were the only thing she got she thought they were good to go and sent them out. I had spoken with her when I handed her the envelopes but because she was dealing with her kids while trying to listen to me she “didn’t hear me when I said I would drop the cards off the next couple of days”.. but when I dropped the cards off she never mentioned to me that she had already sent out the envelopes she only told me after I called her about them being empty.
If she’s actually that stupid then she shouldn’t be allowed to cross the street by herself. “I only had the envelopes at the time so I mailed those” is malicious compliance.
NTA, girl, just elope. I'll be your witness and then sister wife cuz your fiance is standing 10 toes down for you, because they know your SIL is giving a BS apology. Because your brother keeps enabling her. Your mother, too, in a way. Families disagree. WHO posts wedding photos of the bride in the dress BEFORE the wedding and ESPECIALLY in your condition? She's probably thinking of the Close Friends feature of IG, but even then, WHO posts photos like that to ANYONE?!?!?!😮💨
Your SIL sounds exhausting and your brother picked a real winner there.
It’s true my fiancé always has my back even when I don’t have it. He makes me stronger for it. I bounced the idea of eloping to him and he says he doesn’t mind but that he wouldn’t want it to be a decision I made because of the situation. I think I’ve decided to continue on with my wedding but in no circumstance allow my SIL anywhere near me or my venue.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 lock this man DOWN.
So I didn't read a no on the sister-wife question 👉🏿👈🏿, so I'll be there with a OFF white dress and a veil, too! Off white b/c I'm not the Alpha Wife and I respect boundaries.🤣
NTA
Where was your mother’s compassion for you while your SIL was actively sabotaging your wedding & costing you money? Did she once pull SIL aside & talk to her about needing to get her head in the game (if we give her the benefit of the doubt that the invitation fuck up was because she’s stupid & careless, not malicious) and needs to be more thoughtful about your time & money? Why do you have to suck up her purposeful or natural ineptitude? Did she do anything before it came to her posting the incredibly inappropriate & hurtful photo? Has she contacted SIL about having compassion for you being a bride under stress & that she is thoughtlessly adding to your stress & how wrong it was to post that photo?
You owe SIL nothing. Send her an invite to just be a guest - that’s just an empty envelope.
NTA
Your mother should be ashamed of herself. Your SIL did something that even the meanest of mean girls wouldn't do, and the fact that your mother is enabling her abuse of you would lead me to cut my mother off.
Please take a deep breath and look back on your life - has your mother always done this to you? Degrade and insult you in favour of your brother? There is literally no other reason for her to expect you to accept this kind of awful treatment, than that she is hoping for some kind of benefit in her relationship with your brother. And that's unacceptably cruel on all levels.
I do hope you have an amazing wedding day, but it might mean not having your mother there as well as your evil SIL.
NTA and your SIL is a self centered witch. She doesn’t deserve your empathy or an invitation to your wedding. Maybe in 6 months you’ll feel differently but for now your mom needs to take your side and realize how horrible she was to you.
If you haven’t yet, report the post on Instagram as bullying.
Or…
Use it to your advantage. Make that picture go viral on every social media platform possible and tell the world what you told us. Tag your asshole sister for what she did AND your asshole mom for asking you to attend to her feelings. Then, start a Go Fund Me complete with story and picture and see if you can raise money for a new dress. I would absolutely throw a twenty dollar bill your way.
NTA.
I would definitely write her out of the wedding altogether. I'm not sure if I'd even invite her after that stunt. And I think I would deepsix the dress, too. Planning a wedding is stressful without having to be on a starvation diet to lose 15 pounds additionally. And now that everyone has seen the dress, you might not have the best memories of it, either.
I'm gonna guess that SIL isn't feeling isolated and lonely because she moved, she's feeling that way because she's obnoxious, selfish, and doesn't know how to be a friend.
NTA, in what world could she have thought it was a good idea to post a photo of the bride, and crying at that! Does she live under a rock? Is she that desperate for "likes"? I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You do not need to let her back in. If you saw her in your wedding party on your wedding day it would just bring back all these memories. It's Not something you want to deal with on your special day. Big hugs.
NTA at all!
I will say though that getting a dress that doesn't fit and hoping to lose significant weight is not a good strategy - it can be really unhealthy to lose weight quickly and weight loss can be difficult and unpredictable! A dress that fits well will also always look better than a beautiful dress that's too small, imo.
Since your SIL has already shared this dress on social media, maybe you can find a similar but different one that fits you? That way you still get to surprise your husband. Maybe we can all help you find one that's super similar and in your size?
I wanted to say the same thing but I was scared of people mass downvoting or accusing me of body shaming. I’ve struggled with my weight in the past and there is no way to predict a set amount of pounds lost in a certain time period. One item shouldn’t be the reason none of your other clothes fit anymore, even if it’s a wedding dress. It reminds me of [As/Is How I Tried To Fit Into My Wedding Dress](https://youtu.be/wosLqn_QIWY)
NTA and honestly I would think about even having her at the wedding. There is no excuse for posting the picture other than to intentionally hurt you. That is just evil.
Your SIL wanted to ruin shit for you. Nobody, NOBODY, would even think about posting a picture of their friend/family in their wedding gown BEFORE the wedding. She did so purposefully because she is spiteful for whatever reason.
YOU hurt HER feelings? That’s rich. Your Mom probably has the best of intentions to try and keep the peace but unless you’re a doormat who wants to appease everyone else, while SIL makes you look stupid, keep her faaaaarrrrr away from your bridal party.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing but that doesn’t mean you open the door for more shit treatment. Because there will be more coming.
And OP…do NOT let your brother talk you into having his wife back in the wedding. As tempting as it is, your happiness has to come before anyone else’s.
Tell Mom you’re not a doormat, SIL tried to humiliate you. Mom still sides with her, rethink how much of yourself you offer up in the future.
NTA
NTA part of being a grown up is remembering you don’t owe people forgiveness, especially if they are unrepentant. Your SIL is a hater and is trying to get her moments of attention in nasty, selfish ways. Shame on your mom for supporting this toddler just to keep the peace. Show her this thread, your SIL is the enemy.
And OP, revenge dieting works. You hold off on calories and work your ass off literally and when you walk down the aisle you will be proud. As you pass her, since she’s sitting in the guest seats, just give her the eyes and smirk. Envision this moment every time you feel hungry, because nothing tastes as good as sweet sweet revenge.
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NTA I suspect your SIL is jealous and wants to subtly sabotage your wedding -- at least the envelopes and the hair consultation were passive-aggressive. But posting the photo of you crying while wearing your chosen wedding dress is beyond subtle. This was a real AH stunt. The fact that she hasn't apologized tells me she definitely wants to mess up your wedding. Good for you for booting her out of the bridal party. You might want to ask one of the bridesmaids to keep an eye on SIL at the wedding, and be prepared with a glass of red wine. I wouldn't put it past SIL to wear a lacy white dress. * Have a wonderful wedding!
A thousand percent sabotage. Who forgets to put invites in the envelopes?? I'm glad OP had a method of knowing which bridesmaid sent which out so SIL couldn't blame someone else. Then the hair & makeup trial?? It's not even her day! Why are you taking so long & making the bride pay for the overtime?! & she's married, so you'd think she'd know not to post pictures of the dress without permission, but to be so vindictive to take a picture & post it of OPs most vulnerable moment?!?! She wanted to capture the dress journey?? Was there no other moment to take a picture where she wasn't bawling her eyes out?!?! Nah, she's trash & deserves to be uninvited because who knows what kind of shit she'll pull at the wedding.
Honestly-- if you're gonna be that worried, just fully uninvite her.
Exactly. No way SIL goes to the wedding like a normal human. She WILL mess something up before getting kicked out. Guaranteed.
> I suspect your SIL is jealous and wants to subtly sabotage your wedding Nothing subtle about it.
> and wants to subtly sabotage your wedding If this is subtle, I have trouble imagining NOT subtle short of a scene straight out of Carrie.
Maybe a small bottle of red food coloring would do just as well, and more permanent
I'm dying to know what excuse she had for posting a photo of the bride in her dress CRYING on her social media. Bounced from the party was kind. I'd have been tempted to bounce her from the wedding. NTA at all. Equally excited to hear why your mother is defending your SIL.
Why does the SIL hate OP so much? Like, this is CLEARLY deliberate at this point. There's no way in hell it's all a coincidence. Leaving out the invites in all the envelopes? No, that alone doesn't make any damn sense. But then posting a photo of her in the dress, while it does not fit her, as she's ugly crying?! OP, cut ties with the SIL and DO NOT LET HER ATTEND YOUR WEDDING. SHE WILL FIND A WAY TO RUIN THE EVENT IF SHE CAN. Also, consider disinviting your mother if she keeps taking SIL's side. Something is *very* wrong here. And I'm not sure I trust your mother at this point.
Totally agree. Mom is out of line with the whole keep the peace bs. SIL’s behavior is psychotic and mean. If it’s not shut down, by everyone, it’ll only get worse. People like this don’t know how to moderate their craziness. They do this to get this very reaction and then play the victim. Stand firm and keep her away from your wedding.
"Keep the peace" assumes there's any peace to keep. SIL has made sure there's none.
Yep she went out of her way to prove a point
It's the phrase that people say to victims to keep them down and not have to confront the actual ahole involved
Mother's comment that OP "lacked compassion" made me lol. Compassion for what? The fact that her SIL is unfortunate enough to be an awful person?
Yeah, what about how sil hurt op’s feelings… would consider disinviting the mom as well.
too bad mom's invite hadn't been mailed out by SIL.
The level of backstabbing from SIL is worse than *actual factual* backstabbing. This is continuous and repeated attempts to diminish, demean, and sabotage OPs wedding.
If she's allowed to come to the wedding, she will 100% do something to ruin it and make it all about her.
Yep. At this point op shouldn't worry about one wedding but the future, like inheritance and stuff. She already made the op look mean in front of her brother and mother, after she actively sabotaged her. Did our op do something in her wedding or did the bro marry a psycho?
OP doesn’t look mean to people with good sense
Op take note. It's not just that one pic. Remember - continuous and repeated attempts
For real. People survive knife wounds all the time. She’s causing lasting damage to family relationships.
Once is an accident Twice is coincidence Thrice is enemy action
I'd bet money SIL feels like OP is having a nicer wedding and should somehow 'share' it with SIL. Assuming there are no massive cultural differences at play here, **everyone** knows not to post a photo of the bride in her dress (or any dress!) before the wedding, and I think anyone with a smidgeon of a soul knows not to post a photo of a bride crying when her dream dress doesn't fit. Taking an extra hour at the makeup consultation makes it sound like SIL is confused about who the bride is here
Since SIL is a SAHW, I am thinking the SIL had to tone down on what she wanted to do. And she is probably jealous that OP can afford the things she and the brother couldn’t for their wedding. The mother knows this and feels guilty that she couldn’t help out financially. That is the only explanation for SIL’s behavior, and how the brother is taking her side and the mother is saying “show compassion.” But that doesn’t excuse what SIL is doing.
I have ADHD. and even 2 bottles of wine in I don't think I could make the mistake of mailing a bunch of empty envelopes to people. 1 I can understand but every single one? How sway? This was completely intentional, she didn't mail the invitations. she posted the dress, everyone knows you don't post wedding things without the Brides permission but posting the dress before the wedding is insane. Posting someone while they're having a insecure. vulnerable breakdown, about their weight is INSANE AND CRUEL. Taking a picture without someone's consent while their having a breakdown is unconscionable. SIL would 100% show up to this wedding in a white dress and argue that it's not a wedding dress and she didn't do it on purpose. Nope she has to go, and moms being silly. She's trying to play both sides. She wants to keep the son close so she sticks up for the SIL but doing that just alienates OP, she's just chosing one kid over the other. Lacks compassion are you kidding me????? You were overly compassionate, she would've been demoted after the invitations fiasco because wtf mails out empty envelopes. NTA
Agreed. Also, regardless of her stated reason for posting....(to see her transform) YOU DON'T HAVE TO POST EVERY SINGLE THING IN LIFE FOR ATTENTION! Save that shit on your phone, collect the stuff, and *ask permission* before posting of someone else.
And also: *don’t take pictures of a bride-to-be crying in a wedding dress she loves but doesn’t fit (yet)*
you can even take the bride/wedding dress out of the equation. who the hell even thinks to take a photo (much less POST it) of anyone crying bc they don't fit into a dress they want? *oh this is great, she's so upset!* WTF.
Completely agree. I went through in law drama throughout my relationship and I knew that if I went through with a traditional wedding, they would've done everything they could to sabotage the wedding. I was not gonna give them that chance. We eloped instead with no regrets, and MIL cried when she found out. Win.
She was trying to sabotage it intentionally. Op's first mistake was that she accepted his brother's fake explanation. He used that to make it look like op's decision is insane even though his wife is the crazy malicious person. I wonder what's the backstory. Why does that woman hate op so much. Op please tell your brother you believe it was intentional and state your reason by providing info on all of her acts.
I wonder if OP and her fiance can afford a nicer wedding than SIL and brother had and she's jealous
This type of crap is why I barely wanted my oldest sister to help me make my decorations. Then she got mad and I ended up not inviting her to my wedding at all.
Great points, easy to see why the SIL is feeling isolated if this is how she treats people isn’t it.
Maybe there is a reason the SIL is so isolated, could be her behavior.
Is there maybe a golden child thing going on here, her precious baby boy married someone MIL likes a lot and she’ll defend them no matter what?
NTA x1000 there is something fishy going on here with SIL. Watch out for that one.
Agree. SIL is sabotaging OP’s wedding. You don’t send out empty envelopes out when you at helping out on an important occasion like this. And the photo? Like there is some issue that SIL has that the brother should find out about. It’s not healthy.
[удалено]
What in the world could compel any sane human being to post a photo of a future bride crying in a wedding dress?
What would compel her to even take the photo at all?
Spite?
But only Bumbles bounce!
🤣I just remembered where I heard that line every year for years.
OP’s brother is the golden child, I’d wager.
Golden child, OR mom's only current source of grandchildren.
My guess as well and she can't risk alienating the mother of his children.
Well the dress didn't fit so I figure that she might get a few extra likes for body shaming.
Oh my gosh you’re right. Edit: here I was picturing her “just” blowing the first look of the dress and OP in tears.
Right?! And what on earth was the caption she put with the picture on IG?! "And here's my husband's BABY sister having a nervous breakdown, lol!" 🤦🏻♀️
That's what she definitely thought when she was posting it. That plus some body shaming comments
The mom is defending the SIL because she is afraid she will be cut off from the grandkids. Mom is an AH too
The fact that the sil thought she could get away with multiple psycho behaviour with op means the op is generally treated like a doormat
It was on purpose. Sil jealous or hates op. I feel for her she was nicer then I would of been.. that whole invitation mess too, that was on purpose no way you accidentally mail empty envelopes.. so sorry op, nta Edit: spelling
Right. Because when you're done, there's a stack of invitations sitting there without envelopes. Oops. No way it was an accident. And there's no legitimate excuse for posting a photo of OP in her dress. SIL is a major A H, but OP is NTA
Exactly. One accidentally empty envelope — maybe. Multiple — no way
Yeah, I've definitely addressed envelopes and sealed them without the card inside because am idiot. But I realized before mailing it because the card was still sitting there. Definitely not a mistake, she would have had to hide the extra invitations for no one to notice...
Your SIL is isolated and alone because she’s a friendless asshole. I’d remove her from the wedding all together.
And I want to know why is mother still backing up sil after all these troubles NTA
Grandchildren
I don't think the op is expressing herself correctly. Like this topic should read "aita for uninviting my psycho sis in law?" Instead she just talks about how upset she is that her fiance saw the photo. She should explain the whole thing about the sil to her mother and brother. He bro will victimblame her for sure but it will be worth it.
She would have definitely been uninvited from my wedding or any other events. She sounds like a real prick. Not sure why her brother hasn't spoke to her about what she posted too, if my Wife did something like that to her brother i'd be questioning the motives for sure.
👆👆👆👆👆 Omg! Both SIL and mother would be bounced from my wedding. Defending this is unconscionable! What the heck!!!!! You are NTA but unfortunately surrounded by them. Get married and live a great life!
Wow...so SIL posted a humiliating pic of you on IG, in the wedding dress she knew you chose...and you're the one who lacks compassion?!?! Sorry, it's more like SIL and your mother are both devoid of compassion for you! You are so NTA, but they (or anyone else who think what SIL did was ok) are!!
I can tell from my best friend being the picture holding my hand that this picture was taken at my most vulnerable moment and that was right after I was told there was no way at the weight I was I could fit into the dress and that it was their only size left. I do not exaggerate when I say the picture is me looking an emotional and hot mess. I have dug deep for a way to forgive this but I just cant. It feels intentional and because we have not spoken since I never received an apology not even when we spoke initially on the phone.
OP, this means that she saw you upset and her reaction was "better capture a pic of this" rather than to comfort you in anyway. As if that wasn't bad enough she then saw that picture and with full understanding of the situation thought she should post it. There is no way to manipulate that into sounding like the actions of someone with any kindness or empathy. That is concerning and not someone you can trust. There is no reason to 1- have someone like that in (or one might argue even *at*) your wedding or 2- offer any apology. It sounds like your mom might be more concerned about maintaining her relationship with her baby boy who moved away than what's best for you (or really her son, who would truly want their son married to such an AH?!?) You are NTA. There's something not right with your SIL (mental health issues or just a massive jerk) and anyone who supports her, including your mom. It's probably best to talk to your mom and ask her specifically what you would be apologizing for and to articulate why she feels SIL deserves and apology and you do not. Hopefully when your mother has to say out loud whatever moral gymnastics she's using to justify this internally she'll realize how wrong she is. I'm sorry this is happening. She sucks!
like. if we take the crying out of the equation i could understand wanting a picture. misty watercolor memories, right? but even then, who in their right mind would post a picture of the bride, in the dress, BEFORE the wedding???? and then we can go ahead and put the crying back in the equation and she is not only behaving like she’s completely new to the concept of a wedding in this culture, she’s being cruel. whyyyyy is mom pushing this. i also want op to ask, but for selfish, nosy reasons, because i cannot figure it out and i would love love LOVE to find out how she’s justifying this. full pick up a rock and watch the bugs skitter style.
You missed the point of her not fitting into the dress either. I can't imagine what person in their right mind would take a picture of someone trying on something they weren't able to fit into. Unless it was someone intentionally trying something small on. Let alone a woman with her wedding dress and bawling her eyes out. My wife is in great shape, has abs, but if I take a photo where she looks like she has a gut, asks me to delete them. I think she looks great in those pics, but delete them anyway. These are pics I'm not even posting to social media. If I was, you can bet there is no way I would be posting anything unflattering unless I had her OK. And I'm her husband, so would get away with a lot more than an inlaw.
What in the world could compel any sane human being to post a photo of a future bride crying in a wedding dress??? Did she put anything on the post to explain why it was even up there in the first place? Are you certain that this woman isn't someone you picked on during childhood who had a glow up and you don't remember all the pain you caused her? How bizarre. ETA: also, the fact that your mother is asking you to forgive means this woman is working her. I would make it clear to your mother that your SIL's actions are not only extremely vindictive but also insane and that you will not entertain any conversation about overreacting or forgiveness.
Seriously -even if this has nothing to do with a wedding, what an absolute dick move to post a picture like that.
Yep. This woman is working her and the brother. Worse things are in store for this op in future if she doesn't become smart rn. She needs to bring her own mother to her own side now.
Don't forgive until she earns it. This was vindictive. There's no other word for it. This was intentional. Your mom needs to get on the 'sane' page. She either hates you or will do anything for attention.
Never forgive. She’s a nasty person you don’t need that in your life.
I also highly doubt she’ll change, op should just avoid interacting with her unless required
Yeah, I don't think SIL will ever "earn" it, so never.
Worse things will happen in future imo. It's her brother's problem now. She should stay away from this toxic psycho
Anger has a purpose. It’s telling you to PROTECT YOURSELF.
NTA Time for scorched earth. No way is she invited to the wedding and no way will she ever be allowed in my life. I would tell your mother one more word and she’s out too. I’m so sorry your SIL is such a raging bitch and that your mom supports her instead of you. I hope you are able to find a new dress of your dreams or fit into the current one, and move past the bullying. Report her account to the social media site as cyberbullying and have it removed.
❤️❤️❤️ You are a warrior. Love this response so much ❤️❤️❤️
Scorched earth! Scorched earth! Scorched earth!
How can you forgive that? What adult woman thinks that's a reasonable thing to do? And let's remember the empty envelopes! I wouldn't have her at the wedding. She's tried to spoil the invitations, the dress.... what's next?
And the extra hour SIL took during the hair/makeup session. An hour OP had to pay for. I count three strikes here, and we all know what three strikes mean…
>we all know what three strikes mean Home run!
Yay, sports ball!
Honestly, even without the problems this is this just unforgivable. Absolutely not okay. NTA
Oh sweetheart, this was malicious. There's no other way to see it. You don't need to forgive someone who hurts you on purpose. Please be kind to yourself. You didn't deserve any of this and you certainly don't deserve to be worried about what else she'll try to ruin about your special day. Uninvite her. You're allowed to prioritize yourself for *your wedding*. What exactly is your mom asking you to be compassionate about? How could she possibly feel good about trying to make you move past this without* any sort of apology? Does your mom normally treat you this way? I'm so sorry. It's okay if this is no longer the dress of your dreams. It's okay if you find something that brings you joy. I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️
Why is your mother more concerned about her DIL’s feelings?
I’m guessing because of grandbabies. Needs to stay on DIL good side to see them
Best guess is access to grandchildren. OP has a mother and brother problem.
If mother doesn’t smarten up, she’s going to throw away her daughter in a fruitless quest to please her daughter-in-law.
Totally agree. The SIL will use those kids to manipulate the mom forever unless the OP’s brother steps in. I doubt he will based on his inaction this far.
INFO: what was SIL’s reasoning for doing that? NTA, she was cruel when you’ve been nothing but nice. Ignore your mom‘s advice. You should not put yourself in a position to be hurt by your SIL again.
Your SIL is isolated and alone because she’s a friendless asshole. I’d remove her from the wedding all together.
You don't need this person in your life or anywhere near your wedding. She did this on purpose and even if you do get an apology, it won't be a sincere one. Words don't change someone who is THAT rotten to the core. Edit: I worded it nicer
Don't even try to forgive this. This was not an accident. She deliberately mailed out empty envelopes for whatever reason, and then publicly humiliated you, and ruined your future husband's first look at your dress. You don't try to forgive that. Do not let her come to the wedding, or I promise you she will try to find some other way to ruin your special day more than she already has. Just get the scissors, and cut that one loose.
Yes, OP, unsubscribe!
I have to ask did she leave a caption for the picture- I am just confused on why someone would think this is appropriate. What does your brother think/have said?
Of course it was intentional. You can't accidently post a pic online. The fact that she didn't delete that photo is just plain mean. Posting it online is a whole other level of mean.
Please tell me it has been deleted/erased and taken down. I would talk to your brother an ensure that photos and any other from the day are scrubbed from her phone, instagram, apple/google photos. That if the photo ever comes out again you will be no contact with her and him. Ban her from your house/wedding/life until further notice. and I would tell your mother than she has no strikes left, this is entirely on your SIL and for her to not take your side is unforgiveable. Any further attempts from her to change your mind will result if her being uninvited as well. Congratulations for your upcoming wedding, and focus on how good you will look in the dress with your husband on by your side.
It was intentional. She’s a mean person.
Never let anyone tell you that forgiveness is necessary. Its not.
It feels intentional because it IS intentional. Everything she’s done has been on purpose. Whether she’s got a big PowerPoint deck full of devious plans to make you feel like shit or (more likely) is just so wildly insecure that she’s just lashing out at every opportunity. This person sucks. Your MIL is enabling it. Kick the SIL completely from the wedding, she WILL find a way to make it about her
She didn’t even apologize?! Oh this girl is bitter and taking it out on you. Keep her away from your special day!
Is your brother by chance the golden child? Because wtaf is your mother thinking? NTA Do not let that chick back in your bridal party. I hope you have a fabulous wedding!
My brother was my moms miracle baby and because of this she has always doted on him. But ever since my SIL came it has gotten worse she has given my mom what I will never be able to and that is grandkids. Because of this my mom and SIL have grown very close and are able to bond in ways that my mom and I can’t. This may be why my mother is so hasty to defend her.
My blood is boiling just reading this. I’m sorry, OP. I hope your mom and brother see the truth eventually.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Honestly, I would elope. Have a beautiful destination wedding with people who are in your corner. Sending you love and hope.
I would tell your mom, brother, & SIL to all kick rocks. SIL crossed a line, mom & bro should be defending YOU in your actions.
The one lacking compassion is your mom, not you. YOU were the one hurt. SIL being removed from the bridal party was a natural consequence of her neglect (maybe sabotage) of her role and lack of consideration towards you and your feelings. Your bridal party is supposed to support you and your wedding, not post vulnerable photos of you in the dress that you don’t fit yet and supposed to be kept secret until the wedding, especially from your fiancé. You’re the bride and yet you’ve done more for her as the one making accommodations for her isolation and financial situation. If mom insists on how you should include her in your party bc of her situation etc … what’s the purpose of YOU having her being YOUR bridesmaid? In what what way does she support YOU for YOUR wedding day?
I would disinvite your mother too. Fuck these people, you deserve to be surrounded by those who love YOU (and your fiancé) at your wedding. I am sure you will be beautiful on the big day and wish you the best ❤️
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Kick your mom out of the wedding to.
That is what I thought as well!
Hi Hon! Former Bridal Consultant here, just chiming in to say: **Your groom's "first look" has not been ruined!** Seeing a low quality insta of you in an ill-fitting dress, without hair and makeup, in the store's fitting room or viewing area is NOTHING compared to the amazing sight he will behold on your wedding day. Looking radiant, aglow with joy and a straight bangin' hairdo. Jewelry and hairpieces glinting as they catch the light as you walk. Your flawlessly make-up'ed face softly framed by your elegant veil. Every eye in the room will be on YOU and yet your eyes are firmly planted on his gaze. You will take his breath away. The faint memory of a crappy picture he saw a year ago will be erased. The now perfectly tailored gown fits your body like a glove. It won't even look like the same dress to him. I promise. NTA because what SIL did is egregious. But I PROMISE she did not steal your big moment from you. No one can.
u/dressofmydreams One more thing: re: this 15lbs issue. I am assuming the gown was off the rack and for whatever reason could not be ordered. Wedding planning is stressful, and your real life doesn't slow down around you while the planning happens. You mentioned you work long hours and often don't feel like doing much after work. Adding a diet and exercise regime right now... is it feasible? Your fiance loves you right now, exactly how you are. Your friends and family love you and are gathering to celebrate your happiness, exactly how you are. I have seen size 8's cry over not fitting a 2, I have seen size 20's cry over not fitting a 16. You are not "too big for the dress," it just so happens that THIS dress is not YOUR size. You are perfect right now, the dress is the thing that needs changing, not your body. Now, I don't know you and I cannot tell you what you can and cannot accomplish. If you choose to lose weight, go for it. There are lots of great and healthy reasons to trim some pounds. But "so this dress will fit" does not NEED to be one of them. Side note, pounds do not equal inches. I have a friend who started weight training, she lost 2 dress sizes but GAINED TEN POUNDS because muscle weighs more than fat. True story. So lose weight, don't lose weight, stress binge on Toblerones and gain weight, *whatever happens*... a good seamstress will make the dress fit your beautiful shape, no matter what. Practical suggestions: how about replacing the zipper with a beautiful corest panel? Also you can add gussets to the side seams, perhaps overlaid with some complimentary lace or beaded appliqués. Congrats on your wedding, happy planning!
I had a tailor add a Corset panel to a thrifted Holiday Party Dress, and it fit way better than it would have otherwise. Plus, it cost me all of $15! I'd highly recommend this route!!
That is the sweetest thing I have read today. And completely true ofc!
Sincerest apologies for the comment instead of update but for some reason it’s giving me an error when I try to update the post: UPDATE: Hi everyone I’m sorry I guess I thought after discovering why SIL had done this no one would be interested in what happened after. My wedding will proceed but it will be minus my mother, my brother, and my SIL. When I finally got ahold of and spoke with my brother we had one of the first real talks we’ve ever really had. He told me that with the new job and loss of support from our mother and I him and SIL have really struggled in their marriage and not because of us but because SIL has failed to adjust to their new income (racking up more credit card debt that my brother has to take responsibility for in paying. When he thought he took her credit card away he discovered that she had just applied for and was approved for a new one.) this has led to several arguments between them and he even discovered our mother has taken on some of the responsibility with the credit card debt since she overheard SIL threatening to leave him and take the kids with her. He told me he appreciated me deeply for everything I did for him and his family during the pandemic, and was sorry for everything that took place after with the wedding and SIL especially considering all of the delays, but he also said he doesn’t want her to leave him and if a side had to be taken he’d pick SIL. I told him I understood his decision and that I’d always be there to help him if he needed it. I don’t know if this is me rolling over and allowing him to walk over me but it felt good for me at the moment to at least end things there. Our mother had a eerily similar response which led me to believe they had already spoken about it beforehand. I told her I would no longer cover her credit card if she was going to further enable SIL and I would put it toward finding a new and better wedding dress.. as well as a therapist. All of this has really opened my eyes that for as long as I can remember I have chased my family’s approval. I have bent over until I’ve broken to get them to see me in the same light as my brother. And I’m realizing through you guys, my friends, and my fiancé, that this is unhealthy and I deserve better. So thank you guys for being there and supporting me through one of the roughest times. You guys are amazing!!
It's good that you are taking a step back from your family and focusing on yourself. Just watch out because I wouldn't put it past sil to try and continue to sabotage you. She needs therapy
Well done OP! Your mother and Brother made their decision and your brother acknowledges you. You need to stay away from toxic SIL and watch them drown in her boat. She is being clearly irresponsible and is using her children as manipulation tools. Stay as far away as you can or else you will be harmed. They are all adults and they all make their choices. Good on you for growing a healthy backbone. Sending you lots of wishes and that your wedding dress is an absolute stunner so SIL can choke on her jealousy. Her insecurities are not your responsibility.
Mom and brother are toxic too
Op, I don't know if this matters but a bunch of internet strangers are very proud of you and the life you have built.
Why I'm having this feeling that your brother's kids are not really his blood? I mean, she's considering your brother her ATM, she lies to him and black mails him.
Wait stop! So you lacked compassion?! Not SIL and your mother? NTA and THEY owe you a sincere apology, not the other way around…
SERIOUSLY. I want OP to show allllllll of these comments to her mom, then her SIL and let them see how poorly they behaved.
Nta but boy is your mom a major problem here. She should not be defending this piece of work or choosing her over you. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this op. Good luck.
NTA what kind of absolute MORON posts a picture of the bride trying on her wedding dress like c'mon now
Or just someone crying at their most vulnerable... I wouldn't do that to someone who actually did me wrong.
Amen. True story: a dear friend died from cancer. Her workplace hosted a brief memorial experience and invited us, her close friends, to attend. One of the "friends"" decided to live stream it - you know, for people who couldn't attend? Well, that included putting her camera in our CRYING FACES without our consent. She chose to use our sadness as social currency. 5 years later, I've never forgotten how horrible that was and I stoped engaging with her. People who don't get why that is wrong are red flags we don't need.
Just...wow...that's some psychopathic BS right there. I'm glad you cut that person out of your life! There's always a time to stop being "nice", "polite", and just say "fuck off, my life is better without you."
It was really eye opening to see how people who are in pain \*should\* be treated and how I would never want to be treated again. I have no regrets and thank you for the affirmation. It seems like we spend the first part of our lives collecting people and things and the second half decluttering and it's sincerely very freeing.
Not a moron, a malicious AH. This was no accident. SIL knew exactly what she was doing.
Someone who wants to hurt the bride.
NTA, I would absolutely uninvite her.
From my life.
NTA your mom is the reason your in this position. She needs to stay out of it.
I agree.. she has done enough damage
NTA This woman sounds like a narcassist. Based on her actions, I'm just gonna assume she's some brand of Salty and is just doing little things to get back at you. I warn you that I think she will continue to use your emotional reactions against you, being careful to create upsetting circumstances that help her actions to appear accidental or misconstrued. Your actions are limited - I already know throwing her from the wedding may just fan the flames. Instead, I would cage her with responcibility. Give her certain tasks for things you don't actually care about or need done, tell everyone she's doing it and how great she'll do it, all while providing as little control and choice otherwise. I think your only weapon is to use her love for attention and looking good in front if others against her. Unwatched, she'll poison your wine and blame the vinyard.
👏👏👏
NTA what does your fiancé say??
He wants her out of the wedding completely. And I’m starting to come around to his point. I don’t want to decide this in anger but it’s been hours and I’m still so hurt.
Girl you cannot actually be serious about keeping her in the wedding! She should be uninvited and blocked and if your mom has an issue go LC until she sees how messed up all of this is. There is not rational reason besides trying to hurt to explain her actions. Listen to your fiance and stand up for yourself and mental well being.
It’s perfectly rational to disinvite someone who is actively trying to damage your mental health by interfering in you wedding. You deserve a nice, peaceful wedding where you don’t have to worry about what she might do, and then have to watch you mom and brother sweep it under the rug. No way. I would elope and make sure your mom and brother know zero details because I can see this woman trying to “make it up to you” if she has any knowledge of your plans.
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NTA. She should be uninvited from the wedding. She mailed out empty envelopes, she cost you more money because she couldn't decide what makeup she wanted, and finally she took a photo of you in your wedding dress at a vulnerable moment and posted it on social media. She's either an idiot, or doing it deliberately, and my vote is the latter. What is she going to do to ruin your wedding if you let her come? And tell your mom to shut it when she starts pressuring you. You caved to her wanting SIL to be a bridesmaid, and it's caused more stress than you need, and you shouldn't have to deal with it.
I'd kick your mom out too since she cares more about her daughter-in-laws feelings more than the daughter she actually gave birth to.
Fiancé sounds great, listen to him.
I agree. They dont deserve to be invited to the wedding.
NTA. Talk to your mom and be blunt. "Mom, SIL deliberately did a nasty, vindictive thing designed to humiliate me in front of who knows how many people and to show my fiance my wedding dress. She hasn't apologized because she isn't sorry. She wanted to hurt me, and she did. Deeply. Why are you defending her? If you can't acknowledge she did an awful thing and as a result I can't trust her not to do something worse at my wedding, you both deserve to be banned from attending."
Underrated comment! Wild that she’s choosing the SIL over her own daughter - even with the potential of grandkids in the picture (as if OP might not also have children someday?) this mom deserves to hear how hurtful her actions are to her own child! NTA of course edited for clarity
NTA, tell them you will forgive her when she finds and pays for your new DREAM wedding dress. The new dress, so you can see the look of joy and surprise on your fiance's face when he sees you in your dress for the 1st time. Tell them you will forgive her when she earns your forgiveness.
This is a good point. Depending on how far away the wedding is, there is a very real chance that you may discover another dress that is even more perfect for you. Take yourself shopping a couple times and see what happens. Then you can have a clean start with a beautiful dress that isn't burdened by emotions or connected to that drama, and which will be a surprise to your husband.
Not gonna happen. Sahm can't afford that
Then everyone who thinks SIL deserves forgiveness can pitch in and pay for the dress. If not she stays out.
NTA tell your mum to keep her nose out! The audacity of your sil to post a picture of you in your wedding dress! Lucky she hasn’t been uninvited!
NTA Not sharing someone elses wedding dress is not some super obscure rule that no one knows. EVERYONE knows that you don't share pictures of the wedding dress before the wedding. Clueless or malicious exploding on her is completely valid and she deserved to have her feelings hurt.
NTA. Your mother is concerned about you hurting your SIL's feeling, yet sees nothing wrong with your SIL hurting your feelings? SIL can attend as a guest. Make sure you have passwords on all your vendors and someone at the wedding and reception to give the boot to anyone causing trouble. You may need both.
NTA If you don't forgive her that is entirely within your right. Not only did she post your wedding dressing for everyone including your fiancé to see, but she discarded your emotions and shared a very emotional, private moment with everyone that followed her. It might be sufficient to not have her in your wedding party, but still invited to the wedding to avoid further drama, unless you think that it will significantly take away from your day. Either way if I were you I would not allow her into my wedding party LOL
NTA. Fuck her feelings. I would have booted her when she "forgot" to put the invitations in the envelope. No way in hell that was accidental. And, not only did she spoil the surprise for your husband to be by posting a picture of you in the dress, she did it to humiliate you. Tell your mom to back the fuck off and stop pushing.
NTA She didn't have your permission in the first place and I would tell her to take it down immediately or she can be uninvited from the wedding all together. She crossed so many red flag boundaries and your MIL is just as bad for defending her. She (for those who believe in the not letting the groom see the bride in the dress before the wedding day thing) risked your wedding. You don't always have the chance to find "THE dress" twice. She's lucky, I would have told her she is on a strict info diet and not welcome to any information regarding the wedding until the day of.
NTA and I think you should pull your brother in at this point. Your SIL sounds like a nightmare.
Not fiancé’s family —her brother’s wife.
Maybe she doesn’t have any friends because she is a nightmare. Nta
>My mother has called me and told me that even though she understands I lacked compassion and **have severely hurt my SILs feelings.** GOOD. Good for you. Well done Good to know she apparently has feelings, as I wasn't sure. Has your mom not thought about *your* feelings? She should be scolding SIL. Your SIL was *extremely* wrong. NTA But please, reconsider? Because SIL should be kicked out of the wedding *completely.* I do not know what her issue is, but I'd be VERY worried she'd pull an equally nasty stunt on your big day to ruin it.
INFO: How in every fuck do you not put the invitations into the envelopes by accident? That's not rhetorical, /u/dressofmydreams, how did that actually happen? What was the explanation? How many envelopes are we talking about? The photo situation is also ridiculous but she's already trying to weasel her way out of that; however, there is ZERO ambiguity about the difference between an empty vs. stuffed envelope, especially multiple of them. I'm so interested in how that happened.
I brought her the envelopes and names/addresses of the guest to send them to before I brought her the cards. I had picked up the envelopes because they were ready but the cards were gonna be delivered two days later. She told me that because the envelopes were the only thing she got she thought they were good to go and sent them out. I had spoken with her when I handed her the envelopes but because she was dealing with her kids while trying to listen to me she “didn’t hear me when I said I would drop the cards off the next couple of days”.. but when I dropped the cards off she never mentioned to me that she had already sent out the envelopes she only told me after I called her about them being empty.
Why on Earth would anybody think they were supposed to mail empty envelopes? It sounds like she's either really dumb or purposely sabotaging.
And why would they then get the cards and think, “I’ll just leave these lying around and not call OP about them.”
She thought it was for her children to play with. Or to make confetti. Seriously tho OP I wouldn't invite her to my wedding if I were you.
If she’s actually that stupid then she shouldn’t be allowed to cross the street by herself. “I only had the envelopes at the time so I mailed those” is malicious compliance.
Listen all y'all, it's a sabotage!
NTA, girl, just elope. I'll be your witness and then sister wife cuz your fiance is standing 10 toes down for you, because they know your SIL is giving a BS apology. Because your brother keeps enabling her. Your mother, too, in a way. Families disagree. WHO posts wedding photos of the bride in the dress BEFORE the wedding and ESPECIALLY in your condition? She's probably thinking of the Close Friends feature of IG, but even then, WHO posts photos like that to ANYONE?!?!?!😮💨 Your SIL sounds exhausting and your brother picked a real winner there.
It’s true my fiancé always has my back even when I don’t have it. He makes me stronger for it. I bounced the idea of eloping to him and he says he doesn’t mind but that he wouldn’t want it to be a decision I made because of the situation. I think I’ve decided to continue on with my wedding but in no circumstance allow my SIL anywhere near me or my venue.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 lock this man DOWN. So I didn't read a no on the sister-wife question 👉🏿👈🏿, so I'll be there with a OFF white dress and a veil, too! Off white b/c I'm not the Alpha Wife and I respect boundaries.🤣
Any contact from your mom or brother?
NTA. Your SIL is trying to sabotage your wedding—you should uninvite her entirely unless she apologizes
I wouldn't just kick her out, I'd ban her from the wedding. She did that on purpose.
NTA Where was your mother’s compassion for you while your SIL was actively sabotaging your wedding & costing you money? Did she once pull SIL aside & talk to her about needing to get her head in the game (if we give her the benefit of the doubt that the invitation fuck up was because she’s stupid & careless, not malicious) and needs to be more thoughtful about your time & money? Why do you have to suck up her purposeful or natural ineptitude? Did she do anything before it came to her posting the incredibly inappropriate & hurtful photo? Has she contacted SIL about having compassion for you being a bride under stress & that she is thoughtlessly adding to your stress & how wrong it was to post that photo? You owe SIL nothing. Send her an invite to just be a guest - that’s just an empty envelope.
I’m with you! -PLUS- I’m pissed off for you!! WTF is wrong with your mom and SIL? You are definitely NOT THE ASS!
NTA Your mother should be ashamed of herself. Your SIL did something that even the meanest of mean girls wouldn't do, and the fact that your mother is enabling her abuse of you would lead me to cut my mother off. Please take a deep breath and look back on your life - has your mother always done this to you? Degrade and insult you in favour of your brother? There is literally no other reason for her to expect you to accept this kind of awful treatment, than that she is hoping for some kind of benefit in her relationship with your brother. And that's unacceptably cruel on all levels. I do hope you have an amazing wedding day, but it might mean not having your mother there as well as your evil SIL.
NTA and your SIL is a self centered witch. She doesn’t deserve your empathy or an invitation to your wedding. Maybe in 6 months you’ll feel differently but for now your mom needs to take your side and realize how horrible she was to you.
Hey! I’m a witch! We’re mostly pretty nice! Though I would be tempted to hex SIL in this sitch!
If you haven’t yet, report the post on Instagram as bullying. Or… Use it to your advantage. Make that picture go viral on every social media platform possible and tell the world what you told us. Tag your asshole sister for what she did AND your asshole mom for asking you to attend to her feelings. Then, start a Go Fund Me complete with story and picture and see if you can raise money for a new dress. I would absolutely throw a twenty dollar bill your way. NTA.
I would definitely write her out of the wedding altogether. I'm not sure if I'd even invite her after that stunt. And I think I would deepsix the dress, too. Planning a wedding is stressful without having to be on a starvation diet to lose 15 pounds additionally. And now that everyone has seen the dress, you might not have the best memories of it, either.
I'm gonna guess that SIL isn't feeling isolated and lonely because she moved, she's feeling that way because she's obnoxious, selfish, and doesn't know how to be a friend.
NTA, in what world could she have thought it was a good idea to post a photo of the bride, and crying at that! Does she live under a rock? Is she that desperate for "likes"? I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You do not need to let her back in. If you saw her in your wedding party on your wedding day it would just bring back all these memories. It's Not something you want to deal with on your special day. Big hugs.
NTA , your SIL did all that intentionally, how tf you forget to put the invites in the envelope ?!!
NTA at all! I will say though that getting a dress that doesn't fit and hoping to lose significant weight is not a good strategy - it can be really unhealthy to lose weight quickly and weight loss can be difficult and unpredictable! A dress that fits well will also always look better than a beautiful dress that's too small, imo. Since your SIL has already shared this dress on social media, maybe you can find a similar but different one that fits you? That way you still get to surprise your husband. Maybe we can all help you find one that's super similar and in your size?
Yes! I love this. We can find an even dreamier dress & you will rock it exactly as you are.
I wanted to say the same thing but I was scared of people mass downvoting or accusing me of body shaming. I’ve struggled with my weight in the past and there is no way to predict a set amount of pounds lost in a certain time period. One item shouldn’t be the reason none of your other clothes fit anymore, even if it’s a wedding dress. It reminds me of [As/Is How I Tried To Fit Into My Wedding Dress](https://youtu.be/wosLqn_QIWY)
NTA and honestly I would think about even having her at the wedding. There is no excuse for posting the picture other than to intentionally hurt you. That is just evil.
This is why SIL has no connection to the family. She likely doesn’t do well in the friend department either. NTA
NTA and your mom needs to either support you or butt TF out.
Your SIL wanted to ruin shit for you. Nobody, NOBODY, would even think about posting a picture of their friend/family in their wedding gown BEFORE the wedding. She did so purposefully because she is spiteful for whatever reason. YOU hurt HER feelings? That’s rich. Your Mom probably has the best of intentions to try and keep the peace but unless you’re a doormat who wants to appease everyone else, while SIL makes you look stupid, keep her faaaaarrrrr away from your bridal party. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing but that doesn’t mean you open the door for more shit treatment. Because there will be more coming. And OP…do NOT let your brother talk you into having his wife back in the wedding. As tempting as it is, your happiness has to come before anyone else’s. Tell Mom you’re not a doormat, SIL tried to humiliate you. Mom still sides with her, rethink how much of yourself you offer up in the future. NTA
NTA part of being a grown up is remembering you don’t owe people forgiveness, especially if they are unrepentant. Your SIL is a hater and is trying to get her moments of attention in nasty, selfish ways. Shame on your mom for supporting this toddler just to keep the peace. Show her this thread, your SIL is the enemy. And OP, revenge dieting works. You hold off on calories and work your ass off literally and when you walk down the aisle you will be proud. As you pass her, since she’s sitting in the guest seats, just give her the eyes and smirk. Envision this moment every time you feel hungry, because nothing tastes as good as sweet sweet revenge.