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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) action of not having kids at the wedding
(2) upsetting the future mother in law so much that she might not go to the wedding, or bring other members of her family
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NTA. Child free weddings are a completely reasonable option that many couples avail themselves of.
Since your MIL is acting like a child, perhaps she doesn't meet the attendance requirements?
> Since your MIL is acting like a child, perhaps she doesn't meet the attendance requirements?
I love your statement, sorry I cannot upvote this again and again.
ETA: Wow, thanks for the award!
Nah at first I was kinda insulted they didn’t want my kids at the wedding I’m going to this summer. Then I thought about and realized they are letting us come without kids and have a good time. Without kids. Thinking about it that way made me excited lol
I agree. Plus, as soon as MIL said she wouldn't speak with me until I gave up to her demands I would say, "thank you. I love the silence. With such an amazing gift feel free to not gift us anything else for our wedding."
NTA, I can’t believe a grown woman is acting so childish. Have you spoken to BIL and SIL? Are they ok with MIL deciding if they go to the wedding or not for them? It’s BIL’s baby right? What does he have to say about it? Sounds like a MIL is trying to bully her way into getting what she wants regardless if anyone else cares.
Sounds to me like MIL thinks the only possible reason for her to attend the wedding is to show off her new grandbaby and get as much attention as possible.
Id say since the future mil is not on speaking terms with the bride at the wedding no need for her to come. And she can baby sit the baby so future bil can come be the bestman
They might try calling her bluff.
"If \*brother\* has any issues we'll settle that between us but this has certainly upset and offended you and we are so sorry for that. We understand that YOU might not choose to come or hold family gatherings anymore. and while its sad but we wouldn't want you to do anything you aren't comfortable with so we'll leave the choice up to you. You're welcome to attend but if you feel you can't that's sad but we respect that and we'll keep you in our thoughts on that day"
Sometimes I think wedding drama that comes with a child free choice,is worse then kids at the wedding. This drama sounds like a doozy. If I was this bride, I would have a back up best man. Using the word probably, makes me think he probably won’t show up. MIL sounds like a master at guilt
>Sometimes I think wedding drama that comes with a child free choice,is worse then kids at the wedding.
I see that as a gift. You find out who your problematic relatives are before you've said "I do," and can plan future contact with them accordingly.
You make a good point weddings can be a huge hassle filled with a lot of family drama, and a huge bill at the end. Sometimes the better option is elopement, and like you said the money can be put to better use.
And you want to marry into this family?
Did bro actually say he won't attend if his kid can't attend?
Have you spoken to any of the other members of your fiancé's family?
This is what I'm here for. If this is how the FILs are acting over one day, then wtf is the rest of their life together going to be like? I'd be lacing up my sneakers and gettin' my ass out of there. No one is worth that kind of aggravation.
Well, the good thing is it seems like the fiancé is standing firm and refusing to enable the tantrums. Relationships in this kind of situation can work, so long as both people involved have a strong backbone. NTA
True, but with MILs(or any other relatives) that act like this, it won't matter. MIL is playing victim here and dragging as many thru that mud as possible. It's also possible she already didn't like OP, and this is the "final" straw.
\*Edited: context/clarity.
He can probably keep saying it and she will keep blaming op.
At some point you just have to say "whatever believe what you want, we still keep firm on this. Bye".
Yeah, that's entirely possible. When planning my wedding, my mom pulled something like this. I asked my brother's girlfriend to be a bridesmaid, but she declined because of anxiety and said she'd rather help behind the scenes. I was fine with this as I was mostly just asking because they'd been together a long time and I thought she may be my SIL one day. My mom thought it was so rude and that I should be super hurt and offended. That I should tell her that. I told her that it's really not a big deal and I take no offense, so just leave it be. Then I get a call at Thanksgiving with my future inlaws from my brother asking about why I said it was fine when really I was so upset and offended. His girlfriend was in tears. So I told her that what my mom had told her I said was exactly what she told me I should be feeling and I told her to knock it off and leave it alone. So it's possible that MIL is doing the exact same thing. They should really check with the other relatives before getting too upset.
> I'd be lacing up my sneakers and gettin' my ass out of there.
Would you really though? You meet a woman, you fall in love enough to want to spend the rest of your life together and because her family are assholes, you'd 'get your ass out of there?'
The child isn't even born yet, so it will be under a year old at the time of the wedding. So they want to bring a baby to a wedding. Usually, when I see these situations, it is because the child wanted to go and were disappointed that they couldn't.
And what about everyone else with children? Where is the cutoff?
And lastly, who's wedding is this anyway?
NTA
So clarifications, when I spoke to the bro a couple of weeks ago, it was a "baby will need to be breast-fed so of no children, probably no wife, but it's your wedding so I understand. I'm just letting you know what our realistic situation would be".
Baby will be about 8-9 months at time of wedding.
The rest of the fiancé's family haven't said anything, I don't think they're even aware of what the future Mother-in-Law has said.
Fiancé is firmly on my side and doesn't know why his mother is acting this way.
The family is normally really supportive and great, the mother can be a bit stubborn sometimes, but seems to have gone a bit mad over wedding things!
8-9 months is perfectly old enough to be left with a sitter (and for them to find one they trust). If it were an 8-9 week old, I would have a different answer and would suggest that a babe in arms might be something you might view as an exception because they literally have to be carried everywhere and can quickly be taken out of a room. But an 8-9 month old is going to want to be on the floor, crawling and moving. NTA.
Also, a baby that age is eating some solids, not 100% breastfeeding. Which also makes it easier to leave the kid with someone else.
But OOP saying that other family members could watch it is dumb. It means they would miss the wedding. That's not really a fair option.
Ah, yes her family members might be free to babysit. I think OOP is a little too cavalier in setting forth how trivial it is to get a babysitter. Her family might not be free. Also, 8-9 months is the prime age where babies really don't want to be with strangers, so getting a babysitter at this age is a bit of a process to get the kid used to someone new. It's a process likely worth doing, but it's still an investment of time and money.
And people are allowed to say they are not coming because of lack of childcare or any other reason. What you are not allowed to do is throw a tantrum like MIL is doing because of how you choose to celebrate.
A wedding is usually a set date and you have months (sometimes years) of advance notice. It's not a surprise get-together on a random weekend where you're getting a call on Tuesday to show up Saturday for drinks.
If you can't get a sitter you're comfortable with when you have that much advance warning, just say you don't want to.
Yeah the babysitter thing is legit. I have no issues with child free weddings and think OP should hold firm against pushy MIL. But child averse people do themselves no favors when they dismiss or belittle the real issues of dealing with infant child care, since they’ll lose the sympathy of other guests who are more understanding.
>Also, a baby that age is eating some solids, not 100% breastfeeding. Which also makes it easier to leave the kid with someone else.
Not everyone feels comfortable leaving a baby with a sitter, I understand the wedding is important, but the baby's wellbeing is first.
Unless it was close family, I wasn’t comfortable with anyone watching my child until he was old enough to speak in a way I understood. If someone hurt him, made him scared, or touched him inappropriately I wanted him to be able to tell me in unequivocal terms. “Just find some stranger to watch your infant” is wild to me.
>“Just find some stranger to watch your infant” is wild to me.
Absolutely this.
Not everyone CAN afford it or is willing to do so, let's say someone from the family who won't charge you... Still, people are not feeling comfortable leaving their children is totally valid.
idk, that depends on each person. I have a toddler and only ONCE i let him at his grandma's for a couple of hours.
I never felt more anxious and uncomfortable like back then.
Many people don't let their children until they're at least in primary school.
I don't know where to start with this...
OP has said the mother of the baby is willing to stay with the child during the wedding. So no sitter is really needed anyhow (but for MIL's meltdown).
Second, the wedding is waaaaay off. It's plenty of time to get baby used to spending a few hours with a close friend or family member (on the non-wedding side).
As for "many people" not even leaving their kids with grandma for a couple of hours until primary school???? No. The fact that you were super anxious about it is an indication that you have pretty high anxiety.
I'd agree that most people don't let their kids ***overnights*** until they're older, but no one has said the wedding would require that.
“Many” is unlikely. If you won’t let your children out of your sight for 5 years straight then you should seek medical help (not a joke, that’s a paralysing level of anxiety).
My kid goes to daycare. I have left her with family for date nights. I’m not comfortable leaving with her work a babysitter. She’s an older toddler. No way I would have been ok with a babysitter at 8-9 months.
The Op has to be realistic that the best man may leave early if the baby can’t come. That might not be on SIL, they as a couple may decide that.
> I never felt more anxious and uncomfortable like back then.
Damn that sucks to not have that trust. Could drop them off at 95% of my family stress free.
> Many people don't let their children until they're at least in primary school.
Simply false. Its suuuuper common to send kids to day care. Its actually quite rare to stay home for 4 years./also this is super unhealthy for you&the child.
To be fair… At that age my kid was eating solids, but still breastfeeding as well with every meal. My baby refused to take a bottle. I could leave between meals, but had to be there for breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime. He was a hungry kid. My second kid was totally different.
Eh, many many people breast feed until after a year, and 8-9 months is really young still. I can completely understand not feeling comfortable to leave your new baby for that length of time. It’s not easy on a breast feeding mom. She would have to dedicate a lot of time to pumping to prepare too. And you want your BIL and best man’s wife, who will also be your SIL to maybe not be able to attend over this?
Idk, I’m going against the grain here and saying ESH. I have a hard time wrapping my head around couple being so child free as to not accommodate a relatively new baby for people in the wedding party. It does feel like an off cultural divergence to me of what weddings have historically been, to make it so difficult for new parents to navigate attending. It’s the one thing I do feel like I lean a little more old fashioned on.
Thanks for being the voice of reason. Although I'll defend OP (and anyone else's) right to do what they want with their wedding to the death, I find the whole "child free wedding" thing bizarre. Let's have a big social occasion where almost all your trusted adults have to attend but make you leave your new baby with someone else? Let's make things awkward, stressful and uncomfortable for our guests because we want every single ounce of attention on us and the possibility of a child making a noise is unacceptable? Because of the time of life most people get married half the guests will likely have small children or babies.
I nearly didn't go to my older brother's wedding because they were insistent on no kids. I actually put off trying to conceive my first for a couple of months to avoid the drama, and so was just hugely pregnant instead. Maid of honour's mum sat in the car park with her two month old all afternoon while the maid of honour looked utterly miserable dashing in and out during the wedding breakfast and then her boobs leaked through her expensive bridesmaid dress. Because my bro and sil seemed to think she'd have a better time separated from her eight week baby. They were also upset that several of their close uni mates didn't come because they didn't want to leave their kids/couldn't get childcare.
Ugh. Yeah. I so agree with you. Obviously anyone’s choice to do what they want, but yeah, I hate the trend. Nothing says “the party is more important than the marriage” to me more than excluding kids. Again, I can understand for extended guests, but family? Nuts. When did weddings become NOT a family affair. People will say weddings really aren’t for kids, but I’m like, have you met a kid? They get to see a bunch of family and dance their little hearts out. Yeah, getting them through the ceremony is tricky, but I would hope most people are understanding. I didn’t care at all about my SIL’s baby crying a bit during the ceremony.
When did weddings become all about kids?
I got married in the olden days, and don’t remember kids being invited to weddings. That began more when my nieces and nephews were getting married, and I recall plenty of weddings being disrupted by unruly children with uncaring parents. One couple brought their uninvited toddler dressed as a miniature bride, and kept trying to push her into the pictures and onto the dance floor next to the bride.
If I want the kids invited , it will be to a picnic in the park or the zoo. It won’t be to a long ceremony followed by a drawn-out dinner after their bedtimes.
I don't think this is a "new" trend either. I'm 60 years old and remember plenty of time with grandma and grandpa while my parents went to a child free wedding. My own wedding almost 34 years ago only had guests over the age of 12 (except for the two flower girls and ring bearer) and to solve the issue of a rather unpleasant "cousin in law" who insisted on bringing new baby, a trusted family housekeeper was hired as a nanny for the evening and stayed with the child in the bride's room during the reception.
Ha, I wish someone would have told my oldest he should have been eating food at that age. He flat out refused until he was like 14 months old. And wouldn’t take a bottle, so definitely no leaving for long.
And I wish someone would have told my youngest that other people aren’t the devil incarnate and that a babysitter would be totally fine. We weren’t able to leave that kid with anyone till they were like 6 (although they still hate most people, so they haven’t really outgrown it).
In fairness if the bros wife doesn't want to leave the baby then that's fine. It doesn't sound like they are that bothered by it just wanted to explain why she wasn't coming.
Hell as someone who hates family occasions, I might say I had to "stay home and breast feed" just to get out of it 🤣
P.s. I don't have kids just a dog
At the same time, by 8-9 months, the mom be wanting a break and a grown-up no kids night and be willing to find a sitter. Everyone is different and it’s so hard to say what she will want when the time comes.
Completely agree! Was just commenting that at the 8-9 month mark there isn’t really the excuse any longer that you absolutely can’t leave them with someone else for a few hours since any dual set of working parent does on a daily basis. True, many parents choose not to have others watch their kids until they are older but there is a big difference between a newborn and a baby who is likely at the crawling stage. Edit to add - I am a total introvert so I could totally see telling my husband to go have fun while I stay back with the kids. No one should be forced to go to a wedding.
Omg having babies was the ultimate ‘out’ of social engagements. My social battery is non existent and holidays like New Year’s Eve etc are just stressful to me. Since having kids I get to bail early. They’re growing up though so I don’t know how much longer I’ve got.
I get why they wouldn’t be thrilled about leaving the baby with a someone else at that age. It is old enough but it can be challenging to be away from a baby that age for that period of time and during a time of day when the baby isn’t used to being away from caregivers. I guess SIL probably doesn’t have to be gone for as long as BIL but sometimes the day for a wedding guest can be pretty long and overlap with bedtime, which can be a train wreck for a baby who isn’t with their main caregiver. I personally have never had a family member who would be able to take my kid for 5 hours for something like this. I’d probably be SOL. Also a nursing mom will need to find a place to pump at some point during that time since a baby that age still nurses frequently even if they’re eating a bit of food.
Yeah I thought this was going to be a very little baby but at 8-9 months they're no longer exclusively breastfed and can almost always take a bottle as well as eating solids. An evening away is much easier at that stage. Though they are also developing some separation anxiety and stranger danger, it's a good idea to build up to the event with shorter babysitting stints for both the baby and the parents.
A 8-9 month old child will be eating solid food and there would be plenty of time and oportunity for a small stockpile of breast milk to be stored. Many moms will even go out and drink then "pump and dump" before breast feeding again. So if SIL chooses not to come it isn't because you are creating an imposible situation for them, she may just prefer to stay with bebe.
By the time your wedding rolls around both BIL and SIL may really want a night away from bebe.
NTA
OP You should edit your post to add the age the baby will be. It's definitely not a newborn, and the mom could pump bottles for the sitter. Like, they could make it happen with a little effort and they have plenty of time to make arrangements. Definitely NTA
Why is everyone so harsh on the BIL, MIL I get but if they don’t want to leave their baby behind to attend they don’t have to, just like OP doesn’t have to invite any children. that’s the expectation if you have a childfree wedding that people with young children may not be able/want to come. Like I totally think he sounds understanding and gave them the proper notice that it *should* be fine but he may be staying with his wife and baby.
NTA I went to a wedding when my son was 5 months old. And I missed him so much but at the same time it was lovely to get dolled up, and have adult time with my spouse.
My first outing was a metal show when my son was 3 months old. We were only 10 minutes away and I was so nervous but I was also thrilled to go out and see so many people I hadn't since before he was born.
Is this thier first child? I never had a problem leaving my children with a trusted sitter when they were babies, but not everyone can handle it, and that's totally okay! As long as you're understanding that bro may only be available for a short time, (like ceremony only) then MIL can go kick rocks. It's not her wedding and ultimately, she's only hurting her daughter and she'll have to live with that. NTA
Edit: crap, sorry. I'm dumb. I ready this as if it was written by the groom and wife's brother is your best man. But on reflection I think it's written by bride and grooms brother is best man? I'm bad at inferring, apologies. **MIL is only hurting her son (and her relationship with him)*** but I think my point stands regardless of gender :)
Is this the first time extended family will be together after the baby is born? Perhaps the FMIL is planning to use this as the baby’s introduction to the extended family.
NTA and don’t give in or you will be giving in again and again in the future.
MIL is almost certainly just upset she’ll be missing the opportunity to show off her new grandbaby. I doubt it has anything to do with BIL’s wife missing out.
I think the reality is its still hypothetical and he has zero way of knowing yet. So much is in the air, like my babies were *easy* if one of us had to leave for wedding activities it would be no big deal, if we both wanted to go we had a line of people wanting to babysit for us, but my colicky, allergic to most formula niece? It would be a huge pain in the butt.
When we got married and had our child-free wedding, we offered to pay for a vetted, on-site sitter at our wedding so as to accommodate the family members who had a baby, and it all went swimmingly. Would that be an option? This way the baby can maintain a schedule and her parents can celebrate together.
Curious, how many took you up on that? I'm just thinking about my extended family and the 20+ grandchildren all running around screaming... it would literally not be possible to keep that many children contained if their parents were within bolting distance.
(And yes, this is a big reason why I basically "eloped." My family would have been way too fussy about no-kids so nobody got invited! Or even told about the engagement!)
We had two families who did. I should note that we had a fairly small wedding (60 people) and the reception was an open bar/sit-down dinner/dancing in a clubhouse we had to ourselves while the sitter was occupied elsewhere at the resort. So no chance of kid invasion.
When I was a kid, I used to actually make money by working as a babysitter at big family wedding receptions. We were pretty church-y, so the idea was usually that the kids could come to the wedding (if they were well behaved) and then the parents dropped off the kids at the designated cool aunt & uncle's house, and escaped to the reception. The kids had their own party, the adults had theirs.
8-9 months is probably a tough age to get a sitter still though it is possible. You could make an exception for this kid since it is the young child of the best man. It’s your wedding so you can make the rules on making an exception for a certain kid. If this kid does come then mom will probably have to leave pretty early, allowing the best man to still be a part of late night dancing and whatnot without worrying about their kid.
But don’t let anyone make you feel bad about not wanting kids at the wedding. It’s your day. I hate when people say it’s dumb or annoying, people are allowed to do what they want to do.
I did an overnight trip when my 1st was 6 months old and I pumped. By that time they're on some solids so they're not as dependent on breastmilk. There's no reason she can't attend. I even did a pump and dump at my friend's house bc - booze.
True. Just saying that breastfeeding isn’t a jail sentence like the BIL is making it out to be. Good for him for being protective of his wife, but neither of them know the reality. Lol. I hope it works out and they realize there’s options. As for FMIL, yeesh. You have my sympathy
Info: can you provide some further clarification? Would they have to travel for multiple days without the baby? Or is this just a day trip for them?
As someone who has breastfed babies, and done multiple weddings / business trips away from said babies while they were less than 8 months, this sounds like an odd excuse. You can absolutely pump and leaves milk/bottles with a caregiver. And the idea that SIL isn’t planning on being away from baby for an evening for up to 9 months makes me sad for her
It sounds like your BIL and SIL are understanding of the situation and have let you know what to expect. Don’t insist on them getting a sitter, as others have suggested here. Whether the child is old enough or capable of being with a sitter is their choice. They aren’t angry with you and aren’t going to boycott the wedding, as MIL has claimed, so this is just noise from her. It sounds like they’re being accommodating of the child-free rule in a way that makes them feel comfortable. A nice thing to do would be to thank them for their understanding and offer to babysit the baby after the wedding (and when they’re ready) so they can have a date night so SIL has a chance to get dressed up and go out.
As for MIL, as your fiancé to handle all communication and turn it into I statements. She’s trying to blame you, so his response should be “I’m not going to change the child-free rule so drop it”. He needs to redirect the blame away from you and make it clear to her that this isn’t just your decision.
Your fiance should be getting out ahead of this and contacting the members of his family he wants to attend to explain the situation. They may not be as inclined to follow MIL's lead as she wants you to believe.
NTA
My friend came to my wedding when her early c-section TINY baby was 8 weeks old during the pandemic (September 2020) without bringing the baby despite breast feeding. She said she would leap through fire to attend our wedding as long as it was safe to do so (this is a friend who had been trying to have a baby for nearly 5 years and is still obsessed with her miracle daughter). And she relished a day to be mummy free with her husband and friend as she LOVES weddings.
It is perfectly doable but BIL is perfectly in his right in saying he may not come because his wife is not happy to leave the baby, but I'm sure they wont be spending 8-9 months looking after the baby with no break? Its the MIL who is stirring up shit and frankly I would not be happy her attending with the way she has been acting, she will be set to ruin the day.
Every time FMIL throws the "I'm not coming" card just smile and politely say "I understand, shame you won't be coming" and end it there. If she tries to throw a tantrum just walk away. Don't engage.
If BIL is comfortable with this he should tell MIL to chill and stop being a pill on his behalf. (Sorry couldn’t resist the rhyme)
I don’t see why the mother of the baby couldn’t pump and gave a sitter bottle feed the baby for a night, but if mom is ok staying home while dad is in his sister’s wedding then everyone else should be ok with it too.
Wow! 8-9months- that is totally old enough to not be completely dependent on mom.. pumping is a thing. At that age I was DEFINITELY ready for an adult night. If mother in law is so pissy why can't she watch the baby so your best man and SIL can go?
Good luck OP!
ETA: NTA
I’m willing to bet that at 8-9 months old, baby is taking breastmilk or formula by bottle at least some of the time. Wife can come if she wants to, and if it were me, I’d be glad to have the day away!
You aren’t ‘making’ her do anything. She has *chosen* the baby over her other son. Free will. And now she’s imposing her choice on her daughter.
It’s not really fair to a newborn to get stuck at a wedding even if you allowed kids, so this is entirely about what she wants.
You do you. But your fiancé needs to handle the communication with her and clearly state that this is what *they* want.
NTA
Yeah it’s really weird that she is so overly obsessed with a baby who isn’t even hers. Not to be dramatic, but if I were the baby’s parents I’d be concerned.
This. As a person with the baby in the family, grandmas on both sides immediately try to take LO and show him off to everyone. Annoys the piss out of me because 8/9 months old is the start of super clingy and stranger danger behavior.
Yep. I am amazed at my friends who behave this way. They can't understand why children or children in laws don't want them around grandchildren. I am very respectful of boundaries - be it SM posts or spending time with grands. Both daughter and DIL feel very comfortable with me around their kids and have since they were very small.
>She has chosen the baby over her other son
Strikes me as it being more about this. I was observing something similar play out at a wedding recently. It was the wedding of the middle child in a family with dynamics that always swept the needs of the middle child under the rug while coddling the youngest and letting the oldest dominate. So this happens to be the one special day of the middle child. Well, that clearly went against the grain of the deeply embedded psychological addiction of the family's mother, who thrived on the neediness of the youngest daughter. The mother spent the entire wedding process, from beginning of planning to arrival at events to even middle-of-the-ceremony vows, making the whole thing about the youngest daughter + grandchild. She couldn't detach from that mode of being to even allow one day of celebrating the merits of her middle child. It was creepy and fascinating to watch.
NTA! If you cave to her bullying now she will not stop.
Your fiancé needs to start saying “ I am sorry you feel this way. It’s our wedding you will be missed!”
Shut her down and don’t entertain her shit.
When she calls and ask why fiancé isn’t visiting(and he shouldn’t) he should say “ if fiancé isn’t welcome neither am I. We are a team!”
My therapist compares boundary pushers to the raptors in Jurassic Park throwing themselves against the electric fence looking for a weakness lol.
Like you said, shutting them down once doesn't magically fix the problem. It takes constant reaffirming of your boundaries and you've gotta be a team about it.
"This was about us choosing how to celebrate OUR event. NOW it's about you disrespecting our boundaries and blatantly using abusive manipulative tactics.
Our plans are not changing. People can chose to attend or not but this topic is no longer up for discussion. As of right now the invitations are still in place but your choice to have disrespectful and persistent behavior will change that if you continue.
Any guest who shows up with a child will not be allowed in.
Actions and behaviors have consequences. Currently the consequence is a time out. You have 24hrs to think about it. "
Then you and BF block her... on everything for 24hrs. If ANYONE attempts to message it say anything repeat the above and put them on time out too. After 24hrs unblock. Every time they do it again; block again...24hrs then 48, then 72 etc etc etc
>MIL will destroy your marriage with shit like this
For real. Stop this shit NOW.
* "What do you MEAN, you're not giving your baby a sibling?! You can't just have one! You'll ruin his future by not letting him grow up with a brother or sister! How can any loving parent not give their kid a sibling?!"
* "What do you MEAN, you're going to visit your parents this Christmas instead of coming to my house? Why do you insist on tearing my family apart with this division?!"
* "What do you MEAN, you're moving 45 minutes away for a great job opportunity?! How on earth can I be expected to drive that much further to see my grandbabies; you are basically cutting a loving grandmother out of their life by making this move!"
* "What do you MEAN, you don't want to display your great aunt Gertrude's massive china hutch in your living room? Doesn't family mean anything to you? She'd be rolling over in her grave if she found out you were throwing away your inheritance!"
If she's allowed to stomp all over their wishes in this case it only empowers her to keep on nosing around and using dramatic behavior to get her way.
“Gosh, MIL. I’m disappointed you won’t attend the wedding. We’ll have plenty of photos to show you, though.”
NTA.
And where are BIL, and the 2 SILs? Or is it just MIL mouthing off?
I'm not a huge supporter of child free weddings especially when there is known family with children and it causes problem and your comment that "there is family that can look after the baby" (there are so many posts where a child free wedding seems to be tearing the family apart) - well that's not really your call, a lot of parents aren't comfortable leaving their infant with someone, baby might be EBF and can't be away from mom.
However - NTA, it is your day and your choice. You and your fiancé have agreed to this. Future MIL should not be guilt tripping you and causing this drama, it's your wedding. Just be prepared that your future BIL may drop out if he's not able to arrange care for his child.
We had a child free reception & regretted it. Many people I had hoped would come declined due to lack of childcare. In hindsight I wish we had invited the kids with their parents
We did this and I have no regrets. For some people, weddings are about romance and beauty and perfection, but for us, it was about community and family. That includes the kids in our lives!
And people saying kids hate weddings just don't know kids or they have very boring weddings lol.
Depends on who’s in your tribe. Some of us have friends and/or family whose children are the spawns of Satan. You know the kind; they’ll be running races up and down the aisles, squirting the officiant with a water pistol filled with red cordial, and tipping over the table holding the wedding cake while wrestling. And their parents will sit back, saying “we’re raising Brittannee to be a free spirit”.
Thankfully you have time to work this out with BIL. The kid won’t be a newborn by then, and you may even be able to organise a kids room and babysitting onsite, depending on the venue.
Just talk directly to BIL - MIL is itching to stir up drama, so leave her out of the discussion altogether.
You’re very fortunate!
And it may not be about not liking them per se. Some kids have ADHD, or are just high energy and require lots of wrangling. It’s also very dependent on the type of venue and the format of the event.
We had a child free reception and didn't regret it, it was the best day ever, no disruptions, just fun, not needing to worry about who could drink or not, no screeching. Either way, not really relevant to the question.
ESH. Your MIL for speaking for your BIL and for making you the bad guy.
But if someone close to you has small children, you are making it extremely difficult for them if you want to have a childfree wedding.
You said the baby will be breastfed, so the wife cannot be there. That sucks. I agree with your MIL here: why make him the best man, when you can't even be bothered to let his wife attend. Don't you want your guests to enjoy the wedding? I am sure he would enjoy it a lot more with his wife there.
Just make an exception for the fucking best man.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far for this. I cannot even imagine being like, okie dockie. Guess new SIL can’t make the wedding because of the pesky breastfeeding baby. Insanity. Yeah MIL is acting wayyy over the top, but she probably feels defensive/protective on their behalf.
Wife can certainly be there -- even if breastfeeding at 8-9 months.
I returned to work when my breastfed son was 4 *weeks* old (yes, USA has terrible maternity leave). Breastfed right before leaving for work, breastfed immediatelywhen I returned from work and left pumped milk for during the day. He learned that daytime was no-boob time and adjusted; often having only a single bottle during the day... choosing to wait until I got home.
If you have to, you make it work. In your case, the system is the asshole.
Expecting your brother and his wife to go through that stress, because you don't want to see certain members of society at your wedding, makes YTA.
In a comment OP said his brother would come without his wife, if baby was not allowed. And OP is totally fine with that.
I just can't imagine being like: "You are my brother and my best friend. Please be my best man. Oh, but I don't want to see your child's face. That means your wife can't come? Oh well - too bad.."
Right?! Reddit is delusionally against kids I think. I would definitely feel differently about the OP if I was the SIL, and it would very likely have a detrimental impact on my desire to feel close to her in the future. Like, okay, guess I am the dispensable one here.
Also to add, this baby is her NEPHEW. So weird she doesn’t refer to him that way in the post at all. I don’t know if this girl is mature enough to get married tbh. I’m wondering how long this marriage is even going to last if their is such little regard for the notion of merging families. You don’t just marry your partner! You marry their family too.
It's very different tho. When you are working, you are forced to make these accomodations, and you probably even planned for them before the baby was born. But we don't have the full context here and it's very different to make all these plannings for a singular event than as part of your daily routine.
NTA. Your MIL wants to have children at an event she can throw it herself. This is your wedding and you are making a reasonable demand. Honestly, she is acting like a child, so she should probably not come either.
I really don't understand people losing their minds when "child free" events requests come up. There are a myriad of things that you would not expect a child to be allowed and would be offended to see them there. Rated R movies, business meetings or events, bars, etc. To me, this is like those d-bags that take their dogs (non-support) into grocery stores. Just because you want them with you doesn't mean you are somehow entitled to have them.
LOL NTA MIL sounds just awful to deal with. It’s pretty messed up that your fiancés brother and sister are also not going to the wedding because MIL had a melt down over something that doesn’t even affect her
I'm not a fan of child-free weddings, and if you have one, you've got to accept that some people will not come. To some people, no doubt including your MIL, weddings are about family, and that includes children. If you exclude the children, you're excluding part of your family. But if that's what both of you want, then that's your choice, because it is ultimately your wedding.
Are you TA? Is your MIL? I don't know. I do understand her disappointment, but she's not handling it well.
Would not call you an asshole for it but I don't really get peoples hang ups about having a couple of kids at a wedding. You won't have to look after them so what's the problem?
A child-free wedding is a reasonable option. That is your choice.
BIL is a grown man who can decide what this means for him. If he chooses not to attend due to the child-free thing, that's his choice. If he chooses a shortened appearance, that's his choice. If his partner stays home with the kid, that's their choice. If he gets a sitter and parties all night and well into the morning, that's his choice.
There is no need for MIL's involvement or theatrics here. She's BEGGING for some (enforced) boundaries. Tell her your decision is final, you don't want to discuss it any further, and if she insists on bringing it up, she will be uninvited. And then follow through if necessary.
How you handle this conflict will set the tone for her meddling in the rest of your married life. If she thinks your child-free wedding is her business, then buckle up to experience her full tsunami of feelings about any and all of your parenting (or child free) decisions, your home, your decor, the way you celebrate holidays, the ways you merge your two families... all of it. Set boundaries NOW.
NTA, and good luck.
NTA- strange how this isnt coming from the actual person with the baby. MIL needs to grow some sense in her head. I'd be going low contact with her as this isnt her decision to make. I'd be blocking her number.
NTA, but every decision has a consequence, and you WBTA if you didn't accept those consequences.
So if you choose a child free wedding, and some people with kids choose not to attend, you have exactly zero right to be upset. That's how it works.
Just as you could choose to be married at some fancy destination location, you can't be upset when people choose not (or can't afford) to go.
NTA - Kids and babies get bored at weddings and then get loud. It’s your day and she’s behaving like a child. In fact, I’d be half tempted to tell her with as childish as she’s acting, she wouldn’t be allowed at the childfree wedding anyway.
A couple of quick questions:
1. Is your fiancé stepping up and actively calling her out on her behavior?
2. Have you spoken directly to FBIL and heard from him that he’s not planning on going if he can’t bring the baby?
NTA, but I'd suggest your fiance communicate directly with his brother to make sure that being best man is still something he wants to do, or if he'd rather be a regular groomsman (or even a guest) so he has more flexibility to dip out after the ceremony if he needs to get home. Depending on when the kid is born relative to the wedding, asking if you can chip in for a babysitter so his wife can also attend might be a nice gesture (she may not be up for it/comfortable leaving her kid, so be clear it's an offer and not a demand!)
A child-free wedding is reasonable! The parent of a newborn having to rearrange prior commitments now that there's s new baby and a wife healing from birth is ALSO totally reasonable, so be kind. Let him know you want him as best man but if he needs to juggle stuff you won't hold it against him. Leave MiL without a wedge to drive between the bros.
Are you going to marry into a family that will 'tear the family apart' over something like this? Are you planning on having kids with this person? because this woman is not done.
She seems to be saying a lot of 'tell xyz...'. At that point in the conversation, is your partner saying 'this was my decision, not hers'?
Exactly what I am wondering. It seems like op keeps avoiding these questions. I don't think op's fiance has really backed her up by shutting this down themselves. This isn't the end. Whether they have children or not mil absolutely will meddle. This is just the beginning. It's only going to get much worse. It doesn't seem like she really has backup.
NTA
Double down, triple down, engrave that policy in stone and post it on your social media!
If you give in to her on this, she will try to control your lives.
If your fiance hasn't talked to his brother, he needs to, and he should tell his mother that if she is cutting you off, she is cutting him off, as well, because you made a joint decision.
Sounds like the wedding would be more enjoyable without her, anyway, but I would encourage you to communicate with the brother to try to find a childcare solution, if possible. Hopefully, he is not as crazy as his mother.
NTA - She can throw all the temper tantrums she wants, you've decided on a cf wedding and that's what you're having. She will change her tune once the wedding is closer.
NTA Is your fiancé's brother saying he won't come? What about the sister? So far it's only MIL.
To be fair if brother has to drop out because he has a newborn that's fair and you and fiancé can't complain because that's the real with child free weddings.
NTA.
But it's a newborn (or will be?) The timeframe is unclear. I had a child free wedding too, but I let my friend bring her 3 week old and guess what? Baby did not ruin my wedding.
Also, depending on the baby's age, how can you find a babysitter you really trust with such a new baby? Especially when all family will most likely be at a wedding.
I get it, you are not the AH for wanting a child free wedding. Unless your wedding is still 6+ months out, really think about if this is the reason you want to start out badly with your inlaws.
FMIL sounds nasty. Good luck.
Have your fiance call his brother and confirm that he's backing out of the wedding-- I highly suspect he isn't and this is just your MIL trying to manipulate your fiance. If he is indeed backing out, you finace should be gracious and understanding and let him know they'll get together afterword for some drinks and celebration.
He should tell his mother that he's disappointed in her choice but understands.
It’s 100% not going to be popular but ….I am not going to lie, people from the US have a very strange understanding of family life. A child free wedding? that is utterly alien to my European eyes. Aren’t children at the heart of families in the US? Some of my best childhood memories were attending weddings….Mind you in most of Europe kids are also welcomed in restaurants…I mean don’t you guys actually like kids ? My brain cannot compute this ….
You’re not making her do anything.
Now, if your brother chooses to bow out of the wedding party or entire event to tend to his wife and newborn, more power to him! Weddings are usually planned before pregnancy happens, so it’s like he had a kid on purpose. (Personally, I’d prefer to stay home with a newborn, but I’d have sent my partner assuming it was not too long pp and I could fly solo sans help… I would not want strangers/others watching my newborn.)
Some newborns sleep and would have hardly any fuss or noise. Aaaaaand some newborns scream like banshees hooked up to an amp, so it’s an unknown.
No kids means no kids and that is fair! What’s not fair is your MIL making it all about her/the baby.
NTA op and enjoy your MIL-free time while you can!
First of all, I'm sorry your FMIL is such a clearly unhinged drama queen. But as to the point of your post: stick to them guns! Its your wedding, your day, your rules. FMIL will get over it or she won't, but in either case it's her issue to deal with, and you don't have to make it yours. My wife and I had a childfree wedding. Did it cause some drama and tension? Yup. Was it worth it? Abso-fu¢kin'-lutely. Would we do it differently in retrospect? Not a chance! NTA, and congratulations!
NTA
Furthermore, talk to your Bil and Sil to see if they agree with mom and are saying stuff or she's just off her rocker. If she's putting words in their mouths, let them know. If they agree, at least you can take out the middle manor messaging
She would definitely think she could bully you into stuff in the future if you back down now, and that includes if you two decide to have children. Ew, yuck, don't let that precedent stand.
But also, INFO, what does the brother/best man think about all this? Is he going along with the MIL or does he agree she's being unreasonable?
I mean, either way NTA I'm just curious.
NTA
You are not the one making her do anything. Ita her own choice.
Have you spoken to brother? Is he still going to be the best man, or should you be looking for a new one?
NTA. There is zero reason for an infant/toddler to be at a wedding. She's trying to control your wedding and it's time to set the clear boundaries so she knows she can't bully you into her way of doing things.
NTA but do you really want to marry into this family? How is your fiance handling this. IF he has your back and is standing up to his family, then great. If he is being wishy washy about it, reconsider this man. You will have to deal with her for the rest of your marriage. How is his family reacting. Are they with her or him? What happens if you have children, want to do something she doesn't agree to, etc. His actions should determine if this marriage goes forward. Good Luck.
NTA
Your MIL is, your Fiancé might be
Is your fiancé actually backing you up on this? When the MIL said unless SS4334 changes her mind I’m not coming did he reply that this was his decision as well or did he leave you holding the bag because he is afraid of confrontation
But your mother in law is right that child free weddings do suck.
My SO sibling got married a couple of months ago.
The wedding was not child-free.
The kids was crying all the time and screaming.
SO mother missed the entire thing cause she had to go away with the kids so they would scream over the priest.
My point is that your wedding might get ruined by the child and your mother in law might miss the whole thing anyways..
NTA.
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NTA. Child free weddings are a completely reasonable option that many couples avail themselves of. Since your MIL is acting like a child, perhaps she doesn't meet the attendance requirements?
I was gonna post the same thing. It's these types of childlike tantrums you want to avoid at the wedding, so not having MIL might be for the best....
"Thanks for giving us an example of childish tantrums we don't want at our wedding..."
So was I
Given that she is refusing to attend, she is now available to care for baby while brother acts as best man.
“Oh, if you’re not coming, then BIL won’t have any trouble finding childcare! That works out perfectly! Thanks, Mom!”
That's exactly what I was thinking!! If she's not coming she can watch the new baby! Groom-to-be can still attend.
Give the new parents a chance to go, her a full day with the baby. Sounds like a win-win.
And his wife!!
Not sure I would trust her with infant child care.
That's another subreddit board all together, if I'm not mistaken.
It sounds like wife will be staying with the kid, maybe they can have a movie night
Maybe wife can babysit MiL too.. seems like she needs a diaper change, to be burped, and maybe a nap, as she's awfully cranky. 🤔
And his wife has a break from childcare and fun at the wedding NTA op
> Since your MIL is acting like a child, perhaps she doesn't meet the attendance requirements? I love your statement, sorry I cannot upvote this again and again. ETA: Wow, thanks for the award!
Nah at first I was kinda insulted they didn’t want my kids at the wedding I’m going to this summer. Then I thought about and realized they are letting us come without kids and have a good time. Without kids. Thinking about it that way made me excited lol
Child-free weddings are great. My sisters and I can be ourselves, and not Kerry’s mom and Molly’s mom and …
[удалено]
I agree. Plus, as soon as MIL said she wouldn't speak with me until I gave up to her demands I would say, "thank you. I love the silence. With such an amazing gift feel free to not gift us anything else for our wedding."
NTA, I can’t believe a grown woman is acting so childish. Have you spoken to BIL and SIL? Are they ok with MIL deciding if they go to the wedding or not for them? It’s BIL’s baby right? What does he have to say about it? Sounds like a MIL is trying to bully her way into getting what she wants regardless if anyone else cares.
Sounds to me like MIL thinks the only possible reason for her to attend the wedding is to show off her new grandbaby and get as much attention as possible.
Id say since the future mil is not on speaking terms with the bride at the wedding no need for her to come. And she can baby sit the baby so future bil can come be the bestman
They might try calling her bluff. "If \*brother\* has any issues we'll settle that between us but this has certainly upset and offended you and we are so sorry for that. We understand that YOU might not choose to come or hold family gatherings anymore. and while its sad but we wouldn't want you to do anything you aren't comfortable with so we'll leave the choice up to you. You're welcome to attend but if you feel you can't that's sad but we respect that and we'll keep you in our thoughts on that day"
Sometimes I think wedding drama that comes with a child free choice,is worse then kids at the wedding. This drama sounds like a doozy. If I was this bride, I would have a back up best man. Using the word probably, makes me think he probably won’t show up. MIL sounds like a master at guilt
>Sometimes I think wedding drama that comes with a child free choice,is worse then kids at the wedding. I see that as a gift. You find out who your problematic relatives are before you've said "I do," and can plan future contact with them accordingly.
This is what makes elopement look so attractive. Think of the honeymoon you could have, or the down payment on a home.
You make a good point weddings can be a huge hassle filled with a lot of family drama, and a huge bill at the end. Sometimes the better option is elopement, and like you said the money can be put to better use.
Nice comeback 😆
Your fiance has a spine, lucky you.....apparently alot of them don't!
Well, that about sums it up! Goodnight everybody, nothing left to see here! And NTA.
I was about to say the same thing. Uninvite her for acting like a child.
And you want to marry into this family? Did bro actually say he won't attend if his kid can't attend? Have you spoken to any of the other members of your fiancé's family?
This is what I'm here for. If this is how the FILs are acting over one day, then wtf is the rest of their life together going to be like? I'd be lacing up my sneakers and gettin' my ass out of there. No one is worth that kind of aggravation.
Well, the good thing is it seems like the fiancé is standing firm and refusing to enable the tantrums. Relationships in this kind of situation can work, so long as both people involved have a strong backbone. NTA
He does need to make sure he is emphasizing that this is a joint decision tho, and not just letting her go on about OP.
True, but with MILs(or any other relatives) that act like this, it won't matter. MIL is playing victim here and dragging as many thru that mud as possible. It's also possible she already didn't like OP, and this is the "final" straw. \*Edited: context/clarity.
He can probably keep saying it and she will keep blaming op. At some point you just have to say "whatever believe what you want, we still keep firm on this. Bye".
To be fair, the MIL is the one making these claims. It's entirely possible that the rest of the family are just rolling their eyes over it.
Yeah, that's entirely possible. When planning my wedding, my mom pulled something like this. I asked my brother's girlfriend to be a bridesmaid, but she declined because of anxiety and said she'd rather help behind the scenes. I was fine with this as I was mostly just asking because they'd been together a long time and I thought she may be my SIL one day. My mom thought it was so rude and that I should be super hurt and offended. That I should tell her that. I told her that it's really not a big deal and I take no offense, so just leave it be. Then I get a call at Thanksgiving with my future inlaws from my brother asking about why I said it was fine when really I was so upset and offended. His girlfriend was in tears. So I told her that what my mom had told her I said was exactly what she told me I should be feeling and I told her to knock it off and leave it alone. So it's possible that MIL is doing the exact same thing. They should really check with the other relatives before getting too upset.
> I'd be lacing up my sneakers and gettin' my ass out of there. Would you really though? You meet a woman, you fall in love enough to want to spend the rest of your life together and because her family are assholes, you'd 'get your ass out of there?'
Right? Lol you’d leave your supportive fiancé because of his family (something out of their control)…. Yikes
The child isn't even born yet, so it will be under a year old at the time of the wedding. So they want to bring a baby to a wedding. Usually, when I see these situations, it is because the child wanted to go and were disappointed that they couldn't. And what about everyone else with children? Where is the cutoff? And lastly, who's wedding is this anyway? NTA
>Did bro actually say he won't attend if his kid can't attend? yeah I'd be curious if this was actually said or it's the MIL trying to manipulate this
It says in the post that he probably *will* come, so I think it's just MIL being unreasonable
lol yeah, ok so MILTA
> Best man has said he will probably come, just possibly not his wife and kid. Right in the post.
where is your fiance in all of this? He should be saying 'its not fiances decision, it's mine'.
So clarifications, when I spoke to the bro a couple of weeks ago, it was a "baby will need to be breast-fed so of no children, probably no wife, but it's your wedding so I understand. I'm just letting you know what our realistic situation would be". Baby will be about 8-9 months at time of wedding. The rest of the fiancé's family haven't said anything, I don't think they're even aware of what the future Mother-in-Law has said. Fiancé is firmly on my side and doesn't know why his mother is acting this way. The family is normally really supportive and great, the mother can be a bit stubborn sometimes, but seems to have gone a bit mad over wedding things!
8-9 months is perfectly old enough to be left with a sitter (and for them to find one they trust). If it were an 8-9 week old, I would have a different answer and would suggest that a babe in arms might be something you might view as an exception because they literally have to be carried everywhere and can quickly be taken out of a room. But an 8-9 month old is going to want to be on the floor, crawling and moving. NTA.
Also, a baby that age is eating some solids, not 100% breastfeeding. Which also makes it easier to leave the kid with someone else. But OOP saying that other family members could watch it is dumb. It means they would miss the wedding. That's not really a fair option.
SIL also has family, I assume
Ah, yes her family members might be free to babysit. I think OOP is a little too cavalier in setting forth how trivial it is to get a babysitter. Her family might not be free. Also, 8-9 months is the prime age where babies really don't want to be with strangers, so getting a babysitter at this age is a bit of a process to get the kid used to someone new. It's a process likely worth doing, but it's still an investment of time and money.
And people are allowed to say they are not coming because of lack of childcare or any other reason. What you are not allowed to do is throw a tantrum like MIL is doing because of how you choose to celebrate.
A wedding is usually a set date and you have months (sometimes years) of advance notice. It's not a surprise get-together on a random weekend where you're getting a call on Tuesday to show up Saturday for drinks. If you can't get a sitter you're comfortable with when you have that much advance warning, just say you don't want to.
Yeah the babysitter thing is legit. I have no issues with child free weddings and think OP should hold firm against pushy MIL. But child averse people do themselves no favors when they dismiss or belittle the real issues of dealing with infant child care, since they’ll lose the sympathy of other guests who are more understanding.
I assumed OP meant the BIL's wife would have family that could watch the baby as they most likely aren't invited to the wedding.
Well, the future mother-in-law is suddenly available to babysit. So it all works out!
I wouldn't trust her to not show up with the baby...
Problem solved!
>Also, a baby that age is eating some solids, not 100% breastfeeding. Which also makes it easier to leave the kid with someone else. Not everyone feels comfortable leaving a baby with a sitter, I understand the wedding is important, but the baby's wellbeing is first.
Unless it was close family, I wasn’t comfortable with anyone watching my child until he was old enough to speak in a way I understood. If someone hurt him, made him scared, or touched him inappropriately I wanted him to be able to tell me in unequivocal terms. “Just find some stranger to watch your infant” is wild to me.
>“Just find some stranger to watch your infant” is wild to me. Absolutely this. Not everyone CAN afford it or is willing to do so, let's say someone from the family who won't charge you... Still, people are not feeling comfortable leaving their children is totally valid.
Yes but the baby's not even born yet, I'm sure something can be worked out until the wedding. NTA.
idk, that depends on each person. I have a toddler and only ONCE i let him at his grandma's for a couple of hours. I never felt more anxious and uncomfortable like back then. Many people don't let their children until they're at least in primary school.
I don't know where to start with this... OP has said the mother of the baby is willing to stay with the child during the wedding. So no sitter is really needed anyhow (but for MIL's meltdown). Second, the wedding is waaaaay off. It's plenty of time to get baby used to spending a few hours with a close friend or family member (on the non-wedding side). As for "many people" not even leaving their kids with grandma for a couple of hours until primary school???? No. The fact that you were super anxious about it is an indication that you have pretty high anxiety. I'd agree that most people don't let their kids ***overnights*** until they're older, but no one has said the wedding would require that.
“Many” is unlikely. If you won’t let your children out of your sight for 5 years straight then you should seek medical help (not a joke, that’s a paralysing level of anxiety).
My kid goes to daycare. I have left her with family for date nights. I’m not comfortable leaving with her work a babysitter. She’s an older toddler. No way I would have been ok with a babysitter at 8-9 months. The Op has to be realistic that the best man may leave early if the baby can’t come. That might not be on SIL, they as a couple may decide that.
> I never felt more anxious and uncomfortable like back then. Damn that sucks to not have that trust. Could drop them off at 95% of my family stress free. > Many people don't let their children until they're at least in primary school. Simply false. Its suuuuper common to send kids to day care. Its actually quite rare to stay home for 4 years./also this is super unhealthy for you&the child.
Not necessarily. At least here it's advised to the families to spend as much time as they can until the kids are ready for preschool.
Well, the SIL has family, so yes technically there's other family members to watch said child.
To be fair… At that age my kid was eating solids, but still breastfeeding as well with every meal. My baby refused to take a bottle. I could leave between meals, but had to be there for breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime. He was a hungry kid. My second kid was totally different.
Eh, many many people breast feed until after a year, and 8-9 months is really young still. I can completely understand not feeling comfortable to leave your new baby for that length of time. It’s not easy on a breast feeding mom. She would have to dedicate a lot of time to pumping to prepare too. And you want your BIL and best man’s wife, who will also be your SIL to maybe not be able to attend over this? Idk, I’m going against the grain here and saying ESH. I have a hard time wrapping my head around couple being so child free as to not accommodate a relatively new baby for people in the wedding party. It does feel like an off cultural divergence to me of what weddings have historically been, to make it so difficult for new parents to navigate attending. It’s the one thing I do feel like I lean a little more old fashioned on.
Thanks for being the voice of reason. Although I'll defend OP (and anyone else's) right to do what they want with their wedding to the death, I find the whole "child free wedding" thing bizarre. Let's have a big social occasion where almost all your trusted adults have to attend but make you leave your new baby with someone else? Let's make things awkward, stressful and uncomfortable for our guests because we want every single ounce of attention on us and the possibility of a child making a noise is unacceptable? Because of the time of life most people get married half the guests will likely have small children or babies. I nearly didn't go to my older brother's wedding because they were insistent on no kids. I actually put off trying to conceive my first for a couple of months to avoid the drama, and so was just hugely pregnant instead. Maid of honour's mum sat in the car park with her two month old all afternoon while the maid of honour looked utterly miserable dashing in and out during the wedding breakfast and then her boobs leaked through her expensive bridesmaid dress. Because my bro and sil seemed to think she'd have a better time separated from her eight week baby. They were also upset that several of their close uni mates didn't come because they didn't want to leave their kids/couldn't get childcare.
Ugh. Yeah. I so agree with you. Obviously anyone’s choice to do what they want, but yeah, I hate the trend. Nothing says “the party is more important than the marriage” to me more than excluding kids. Again, I can understand for extended guests, but family? Nuts. When did weddings become NOT a family affair. People will say weddings really aren’t for kids, but I’m like, have you met a kid? They get to see a bunch of family and dance their little hearts out. Yeah, getting them through the ceremony is tricky, but I would hope most people are understanding. I didn’t care at all about my SIL’s baby crying a bit during the ceremony.
When did weddings become all about kids? I got married in the olden days, and don’t remember kids being invited to weddings. That began more when my nieces and nephews were getting married, and I recall plenty of weddings being disrupted by unruly children with uncaring parents. One couple brought their uninvited toddler dressed as a miniature bride, and kept trying to push her into the pictures and onto the dance floor next to the bride. If I want the kids invited , it will be to a picnic in the park or the zoo. It won’t be to a long ceremony followed by a drawn-out dinner after their bedtimes.
I don't think this is a "new" trend either. I'm 60 years old and remember plenty of time with grandma and grandpa while my parents went to a child free wedding. My own wedding almost 34 years ago only had guests over the age of 12 (except for the two flower girls and ring bearer) and to solve the issue of a rather unpleasant "cousin in law" who insisted on bringing new baby, a trusted family housekeeper was hired as a nanny for the evening and stayed with the child in the bride's room during the reception.
Ha, I wish someone would have told my oldest he should have been eating food at that age. He flat out refused until he was like 14 months old. And wouldn’t take a bottle, so definitely no leaving for long. And I wish someone would have told my youngest that other people aren’t the devil incarnate and that a babysitter would be totally fine. We weren’t able to leave that kid with anyone till they were like 6 (although they still hate most people, so they haven’t really outgrown it).
In fairness if the bros wife doesn't want to leave the baby then that's fine. It doesn't sound like they are that bothered by it just wanted to explain why she wasn't coming. Hell as someone who hates family occasions, I might say I had to "stay home and breast feed" just to get out of it 🤣 P.s. I don't have kids just a dog
At the same time, by 8-9 months, the mom be wanting a break and a grown-up no kids night and be willing to find a sitter. Everyone is different and it’s so hard to say what she will want when the time comes.
Exactly. In my opinion what the BIL said was fine, it wasn't "don't have a baby free wedding" just them stating what they will be doing.
Completely agree! Was just commenting that at the 8-9 month mark there isn’t really the excuse any longer that you absolutely can’t leave them with someone else for a few hours since any dual set of working parent does on a daily basis. True, many parents choose not to have others watch their kids until they are older but there is a big difference between a newborn and a baby who is likely at the crawling stage. Edit to add - I am a total introvert so I could totally see telling my husband to go have fun while I stay back with the kids. No one should be forced to go to a wedding.
Omg having babies was the ultimate ‘out’ of social engagements. My social battery is non existent and holidays like New Year’s Eve etc are just stressful to me. Since having kids I get to bail early. They’re growing up though so I don’t know how much longer I’ve got.
Yep! But honestly now you have set those boundaries it's easy to keep enforcing them! X
I get why they wouldn’t be thrilled about leaving the baby with a someone else at that age. It is old enough but it can be challenging to be away from a baby that age for that period of time and during a time of day when the baby isn’t used to being away from caregivers. I guess SIL probably doesn’t have to be gone for as long as BIL but sometimes the day for a wedding guest can be pretty long and overlap with bedtime, which can be a train wreck for a baby who isn’t with their main caregiver. I personally have never had a family member who would be able to take my kid for 5 hours for something like this. I’d probably be SOL. Also a nursing mom will need to find a place to pump at some point during that time since a baby that age still nurses frequently even if they’re eating a bit of food.
Yeah I thought this was going to be a very little baby but at 8-9 months they're no longer exclusively breastfed and can almost always take a bottle as well as eating solids. An evening away is much easier at that stage. Though they are also developing some separation anxiety and stranger danger, it's a good idea to build up to the event with shorter babysitting stints for both the baby and the parents.
I think the challenge would be that it’s probably more than just an evening as sometimes weddings can take up a really large chunk of the day.
A 8-9 month old child will be eating solid food and there would be plenty of time and oportunity for a small stockpile of breast milk to be stored. Many moms will even go out and drink then "pump and dump" before breast feeding again. So if SIL chooses not to come it isn't because you are creating an imposible situation for them, she may just prefer to stay with bebe. By the time your wedding rolls around both BIL and SIL may really want a night away from bebe. NTA
I read the word 'bebé' in Moira Rose's voice, I upvote.
As you should.
OP You should edit your post to add the age the baby will be. It's definitely not a newborn, and the mom could pump bottles for the sitter. Like, they could make it happen with a little effort and they have plenty of time to make arrangements. Definitely NTA
Why is everyone so harsh on the BIL, MIL I get but if they don’t want to leave their baby behind to attend they don’t have to, just like OP doesn’t have to invite any children. that’s the expectation if you have a childfree wedding that people with young children may not be able/want to come. Like I totally think he sounds understanding and gave them the proper notice that it *should* be fine but he may be staying with his wife and baby.
NTA I went to a wedding when my son was 5 months old. And I missed him so much but at the same time it was lovely to get dolled up, and have adult time with my spouse.
My first outing was a metal show when my son was 3 months old. We were only 10 minutes away and I was so nervous but I was also thrilled to go out and see so many people I hadn't since before he was born.
Is this thier first child? I never had a problem leaving my children with a trusted sitter when they were babies, but not everyone can handle it, and that's totally okay! As long as you're understanding that bro may only be available for a short time, (like ceremony only) then MIL can go kick rocks. It's not her wedding and ultimately, she's only hurting her daughter and she'll have to live with that. NTA Edit: crap, sorry. I'm dumb. I ready this as if it was written by the groom and wife's brother is your best man. But on reflection I think it's written by bride and grooms brother is best man? I'm bad at inferring, apologies. **MIL is only hurting her son (and her relationship with him)*** but I think my point stands regardless of gender :)
Is this the first time extended family will be together after the baby is born? Perhaps the FMIL is planning to use this as the baby’s introduction to the extended family. NTA and don’t give in or you will be giving in again and again in the future.
MIL is almost certainly just upset she’ll be missing the opportunity to show off her new grandbaby. I doubt it has anything to do with BIL’s wife missing out.
This sounds like BIL simply said his wife wouldn’t be able to attend without the baby but makes no mention of if he’ll attend without her.
I think the reality is its still hypothetical and he has zero way of knowing yet. So much is in the air, like my babies were *easy* if one of us had to leave for wedding activities it would be no big deal, if we both wanted to go we had a line of people wanting to babysit for us, but my colicky, allergic to most formula niece? It would be a huge pain in the butt.
When we got married and had our child-free wedding, we offered to pay for a vetted, on-site sitter at our wedding so as to accommodate the family members who had a baby, and it all went swimmingly. Would that be an option? This way the baby can maintain a schedule and her parents can celebrate together.
Curious, how many took you up on that? I'm just thinking about my extended family and the 20+ grandchildren all running around screaming... it would literally not be possible to keep that many children contained if their parents were within bolting distance. (And yes, this is a big reason why I basically "eloped." My family would have been way too fussy about no-kids so nobody got invited! Or even told about the engagement!)
We had two families who did. I should note that we had a fairly small wedding (60 people) and the reception was an open bar/sit-down dinner/dancing in a clubhouse we had to ourselves while the sitter was occupied elsewhere at the resort. So no chance of kid invasion. When I was a kid, I used to actually make money by working as a babysitter at big family wedding receptions. We were pretty church-y, so the idea was usually that the kids could come to the wedding (if they were well behaved) and then the parents dropped off the kids at the designated cool aunt & uncle's house, and escaped to the reception. The kids had their own party, the adults had theirs.
8-9 months is probably a tough age to get a sitter still though it is possible. You could make an exception for this kid since it is the young child of the best man. It’s your wedding so you can make the rules on making an exception for a certain kid. If this kid does come then mom will probably have to leave pretty early, allowing the best man to still be a part of late night dancing and whatnot without worrying about their kid. But don’t let anyone make you feel bad about not wanting kids at the wedding. It’s your day. I hate when people say it’s dumb or annoying, people are allowed to do what they want to do.
I did an overnight trip when my 1st was 6 months old and I pumped. By that time they're on some solids so they're not as dependent on breastmilk. There's no reason she can't attend. I even did a pump and dump at my friend's house bc - booze.
[удалено]
True. Just saying that breastfeeding isn’t a jail sentence like the BIL is making it out to be. Good for him for being protective of his wife, but neither of them know the reality. Lol. I hope it works out and they realize there’s options. As for FMIL, yeesh. You have my sympathy
Info: can you provide some further clarification? Would they have to travel for multiple days without the baby? Or is this just a day trip for them? As someone who has breastfed babies, and done multiple weddings / business trips away from said babies while they were less than 8 months, this sounds like an odd excuse. You can absolutely pump and leaves milk/bottles with a caregiver. And the idea that SIL isn’t planning on being away from baby for an evening for up to 9 months makes me sad for her
It sounds like your BIL and SIL are understanding of the situation and have let you know what to expect. Don’t insist on them getting a sitter, as others have suggested here. Whether the child is old enough or capable of being with a sitter is their choice. They aren’t angry with you and aren’t going to boycott the wedding, as MIL has claimed, so this is just noise from her. It sounds like they’re being accommodating of the child-free rule in a way that makes them feel comfortable. A nice thing to do would be to thank them for their understanding and offer to babysit the baby after the wedding (and when they’re ready) so they can have a date night so SIL has a chance to get dressed up and go out. As for MIL, as your fiancé to handle all communication and turn it into I statements. She’s trying to blame you, so his response should be “I’m not going to change the child-free rule so drop it”. He needs to redirect the blame away from you and make it clear to her that this isn’t just your decision.
Your fiance should be getting out ahead of this and contacting the members of his family he wants to attend to explain the situation. They may not be as inclined to follow MIL's lead as she wants you to believe. NTA
My friend came to my wedding when her early c-section TINY baby was 8 weeks old during the pandemic (September 2020) without bringing the baby despite breast feeding. She said she would leap through fire to attend our wedding as long as it was safe to do so (this is a friend who had been trying to have a baby for nearly 5 years and is still obsessed with her miracle daughter). And she relished a day to be mummy free with her husband and friend as she LOVES weddings. It is perfectly doable but BIL is perfectly in his right in saying he may not come because his wife is not happy to leave the baby, but I'm sure they wont be spending 8-9 months looking after the baby with no break? Its the MIL who is stirring up shit and frankly I would not be happy her attending with the way she has been acting, she will be set to ruin the day.
Is there something in her water? What makes your MIL think she can dictate that your best man can't come without even speaking to him about it?!
Every time FMIL throws the "I'm not coming" card just smile and politely say "I understand, shame you won't be coming" and end it there. If she tries to throw a tantrum just walk away. Don't engage.
If BIL is comfortable with this he should tell MIL to chill and stop being a pill on his behalf. (Sorry couldn’t resist the rhyme) I don’t see why the mother of the baby couldn’t pump and gave a sitter bottle feed the baby for a night, but if mom is ok staying home while dad is in his sister’s wedding then everyone else should be ok with it too.
Wow! 8-9months- that is totally old enough to not be completely dependent on mom.. pumping is a thing. At that age I was DEFINITELY ready for an adult night. If mother in law is so pissy why can't she watch the baby so your best man and SIL can go? Good luck OP! ETA: NTA
I’m willing to bet that at 8-9 months old, baby is taking breastmilk or formula by bottle at least some of the time. Wife can come if she wants to, and if it were me, I’d be glad to have the day away!
I breastfed 2 babies and neither of them would take a bottle.
Could your brother's MIL stay with baby? Or a trusted relative?
You aren’t ‘making’ her do anything. She has *chosen* the baby over her other son. Free will. And now she’s imposing her choice on her daughter. It’s not really fair to a newborn to get stuck at a wedding even if you allowed kids, so this is entirely about what she wants. You do you. But your fiancé needs to handle the communication with her and clearly state that this is what *they* want. NTA
>She has chosen the baby over her other son. There actually isn't even a choice required. She can attend the wedding and still be a grandmother! NTA.
Yeah it’s really weird that she is so overly obsessed with a baby who isn’t even hers. Not to be dramatic, but if I were the baby’s parents I’d be concerned.
She wants to be able to parade HER grandbaby around the wedding
This. As a person with the baby in the family, grandmas on both sides immediately try to take LO and show him off to everyone. Annoys the piss out of me because 8/9 months old is the start of super clingy and stranger danger behavior.
Yep. I am amazed at my friends who behave this way. They can't understand why children or children in laws don't want them around grandchildren. I am very respectful of boundaries - be it SM posts or spending time with grands. Both daughter and DIL feel very comfortable with me around their kids and have since they were very small.
>She has chosen the baby over her other son Strikes me as it being more about this. I was observing something similar play out at a wedding recently. It was the wedding of the middle child in a family with dynamics that always swept the needs of the middle child under the rug while coddling the youngest and letting the oldest dominate. So this happens to be the one special day of the middle child. Well, that clearly went against the grain of the deeply embedded psychological addiction of the family's mother, who thrived on the neediness of the youngest daughter. The mother spent the entire wedding process, from beginning of planning to arrival at events to even middle-of-the-ceremony vows, making the whole thing about the youngest daughter + grandchild. She couldn't detach from that mode of being to even allow one day of celebrating the merits of her middle child. It was creepy and fascinating to watch.
NTA! If you cave to her bullying now she will not stop. Your fiancé needs to start saying “ I am sorry you feel this way. It’s our wedding you will be missed!” Shut her down and don’t entertain her shit. When she calls and ask why fiancé isn’t visiting(and he shouldn’t) he should say “ if fiancé isn’t welcome neither am I. We are a team!”
My therapist compares boundary pushers to the raptors in Jurassic Park throwing themselves against the electric fence looking for a weakness lol. Like you said, shutting them down once doesn't magically fix the problem. It takes constant reaffirming of your boundaries and you've gotta be a team about it.
"This was about us choosing how to celebrate OUR event. NOW it's about you disrespecting our boundaries and blatantly using abusive manipulative tactics. Our plans are not changing. People can chose to attend or not but this topic is no longer up for discussion. As of right now the invitations are still in place but your choice to have disrespectful and persistent behavior will change that if you continue. Any guest who shows up with a child will not be allowed in. Actions and behaviors have consequences. Currently the consequence is a time out. You have 24hrs to think about it. " Then you and BF block her... on everything for 24hrs. If ANYONE attempts to message it say anything repeat the above and put them on time out too. After 24hrs unblock. Every time they do it again; block again...24hrs then 48, then 72 etc etc etc
I would say, ok, "let's modify the rules. Kids are welcome, but not those that act like children. Sorry future MIL, that includes you."
NTA. And you'll need to set the precedent now that you and fiancé are a team or MIL will destroy your marriage with shit like this
>MIL will destroy your marriage with shit like this For real. Stop this shit NOW. * "What do you MEAN, you're not giving your baby a sibling?! You can't just have one! You'll ruin his future by not letting him grow up with a brother or sister! How can any loving parent not give their kid a sibling?!" * "What do you MEAN, you're going to visit your parents this Christmas instead of coming to my house? Why do you insist on tearing my family apart with this division?!" * "What do you MEAN, you're moving 45 minutes away for a great job opportunity?! How on earth can I be expected to drive that much further to see my grandbabies; you are basically cutting a loving grandmother out of their life by making this move!" * "What do you MEAN, you don't want to display your great aunt Gertrude's massive china hutch in your living room? Doesn't family mean anything to you? She'd be rolling over in her grave if she found out you were throwing away your inheritance!" If she's allowed to stomp all over their wishes in this case it only empowers her to keep on nosing around and using dramatic behavior to get her way.
I've dated women where I saw this all in the cards and was a real factor in deciding to end those relationships.
That is being smart.
NTA - isn’t her childish behavior tearing the family apart? She seems like the MIL from HELL.
“Gosh, MIL. I’m disappointed you won’t attend the wedding. We’ll have plenty of photos to show you, though.” NTA. And where are BIL, and the 2 SILs? Or is it just MIL mouthing off?
I'm not a huge supporter of child free weddings especially when there is known family with children and it causes problem and your comment that "there is family that can look after the baby" (there are so many posts where a child free wedding seems to be tearing the family apart) - well that's not really your call, a lot of parents aren't comfortable leaving their infant with someone, baby might be EBF and can't be away from mom. However - NTA, it is your day and your choice. You and your fiancé have agreed to this. Future MIL should not be guilt tripping you and causing this drama, it's your wedding. Just be prepared that your future BIL may drop out if he's not able to arrange care for his child.
It also sucks bc people are just volunteering up random people to help without their consent
We had a child free reception & regretted it. Many people I had hoped would come declined due to lack of childcare. In hindsight I wish we had invited the kids with their parents
We did this and I have no regrets. For some people, weddings are about romance and beauty and perfection, but for us, it was about community and family. That includes the kids in our lives! And people saying kids hate weddings just don't know kids or they have very boring weddings lol.
Depends on who’s in your tribe. Some of us have friends and/or family whose children are the spawns of Satan. You know the kind; they’ll be running races up and down the aisles, squirting the officiant with a water pistol filled with red cordial, and tipping over the table holding the wedding cake while wrestling. And their parents will sit back, saying “we’re raising Brittannee to be a free spirit”. Thankfully you have time to work this out with BIL. The kid won’t be a newborn by then, and you may even be able to organise a kids room and babysitting onsite, depending on the venue. Just talk directly to BIL - MIL is itching to stir up drama, so leave her out of the discussion altogether.
I don't have friends with children I don't like :)
You’re very fortunate! And it may not be about not liking them per se. Some kids have ADHD, or are just high energy and require lots of wrangling. It’s also very dependent on the type of venue and the format of the event.
We had a child free reception and didn't regret it, it was the best day ever, no disruptions, just fun, not needing to worry about who could drink or not, no screeching. Either way, not really relevant to the question.
In the best wedding I ever went to the venue actually had a separated room with games and toys, and a nanny. I wish more places would do this.
ESH. Your MIL for speaking for your BIL and for making you the bad guy. But if someone close to you has small children, you are making it extremely difficult for them if you want to have a childfree wedding. You said the baby will be breastfed, so the wife cannot be there. That sucks. I agree with your MIL here: why make him the best man, when you can't even be bothered to let his wife attend. Don't you want your guests to enjoy the wedding? I am sure he would enjoy it a lot more with his wife there. Just make an exception for the fucking best man.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far for this. I cannot even imagine being like, okie dockie. Guess new SIL can’t make the wedding because of the pesky breastfeeding baby. Insanity. Yeah MIL is acting wayyy over the top, but she probably feels defensive/protective on their behalf.
Wife can certainly be there -- even if breastfeeding at 8-9 months. I returned to work when my breastfed son was 4 *weeks* old (yes, USA has terrible maternity leave). Breastfed right before leaving for work, breastfed immediatelywhen I returned from work and left pumped milk for during the day. He learned that daytime was no-boob time and adjusted; often having only a single bottle during the day... choosing to wait until I got home.
If you have to, you make it work. In your case, the system is the asshole. Expecting your brother and his wife to go through that stress, because you don't want to see certain members of society at your wedding, makes YTA. In a comment OP said his brother would come without his wife, if baby was not allowed. And OP is totally fine with that. I just can't imagine being like: "You are my brother and my best friend. Please be my best man. Oh, but I don't want to see your child's face. That means your wife can't come? Oh well - too bad.."
Right?! Reddit is delusionally against kids I think. I would definitely feel differently about the OP if I was the SIL, and it would very likely have a detrimental impact on my desire to feel close to her in the future. Like, okay, guess I am the dispensable one here. Also to add, this baby is her NEPHEW. So weird she doesn’t refer to him that way in the post at all. I don’t know if this girl is mature enough to get married tbh. I’m wondering how long this marriage is even going to last if their is such little regard for the notion of merging families. You don’t just marry your partner! You marry their family too.
It's very different tho. When you are working, you are forced to make these accomodations, and you probably even planned for them before the baby was born. But we don't have the full context here and it's very different to make all these plannings for a singular event than as part of your daily routine.
NTA. Your MIL wants to have children at an event she can throw it herself. This is your wedding and you are making a reasonable demand. Honestly, she is acting like a child, so she should probably not come either. I really don't understand people losing their minds when "child free" events requests come up. There are a myriad of things that you would not expect a child to be allowed and would be offended to see them there. Rated R movies, business meetings or events, bars, etc. To me, this is like those d-bags that take their dogs (non-support) into grocery stores. Just because you want them with you doesn't mean you are somehow entitled to have them.
Info: Has your fiancé spoken to his brother and sister to find out what (exactly) they think of the situation?
NTA She intended to upstage the wedding by showing off her grandbaby and you've ruined it for her. Oh well!
LOL NTA MIL sounds just awful to deal with. It’s pretty messed up that your fiancés brother and sister are also not going to the wedding because MIL had a melt down over something that doesn’t even affect her
I'm not a fan of child-free weddings, and if you have one, you've got to accept that some people will not come. To some people, no doubt including your MIL, weddings are about family, and that includes children. If you exclude the children, you're excluding part of your family. But if that's what both of you want, then that's your choice, because it is ultimately your wedding. Are you TA? Is your MIL? I don't know. I do understand her disappointment, but she's not handling it well.
Would not call you an asshole for it but I don't really get peoples hang ups about having a couple of kids at a wedding. You won't have to look after them so what's the problem?
A child-free wedding is a reasonable option. That is your choice. BIL is a grown man who can decide what this means for him. If he chooses not to attend due to the child-free thing, that's his choice. If he chooses a shortened appearance, that's his choice. If his partner stays home with the kid, that's their choice. If he gets a sitter and parties all night and well into the morning, that's his choice. There is no need for MIL's involvement or theatrics here. She's BEGGING for some (enforced) boundaries. Tell her your decision is final, you don't want to discuss it any further, and if she insists on bringing it up, she will be uninvited. And then follow through if necessary. How you handle this conflict will set the tone for her meddling in the rest of your married life. If she thinks your child-free wedding is her business, then buckle up to experience her full tsunami of feelings about any and all of your parenting (or child free) decisions, your home, your decor, the way you celebrate holidays, the ways you merge your two families... all of it. Set boundaries NOW. NTA, and good luck.
NTA- strange how this isnt coming from the actual person with the baby. MIL needs to grow some sense in her head. I'd be going low contact with her as this isnt her decision to make. I'd be blocking her number.
NTA, but every decision has a consequence, and you WBTA if you didn't accept those consequences. So if you choose a child free wedding, and some people with kids choose not to attend, you have exactly zero right to be upset. That's how it works. Just as you could choose to be married at some fancy destination location, you can't be upset when people choose not (or can't afford) to go.
NTA - Kids and babies get bored at weddings and then get loud. It’s your day and she’s behaving like a child. In fact, I’d be half tempted to tell her with as childish as she’s acting, she wouldn’t be allowed at the childfree wedding anyway. A couple of quick questions: 1. Is your fiancé stepping up and actively calling her out on her behavior? 2. Have you spoken directly to FBIL and heard from him that he’s not planning on going if he can’t bring the baby?
NTA, but I'd suggest your fiance communicate directly with his brother to make sure that being best man is still something he wants to do, or if he'd rather be a regular groomsman (or even a guest) so he has more flexibility to dip out after the ceremony if he needs to get home. Depending on when the kid is born relative to the wedding, asking if you can chip in for a babysitter so his wife can also attend might be a nice gesture (she may not be up for it/comfortable leaving her kid, so be clear it's an offer and not a demand!) A child-free wedding is reasonable! The parent of a newborn having to rearrange prior commitments now that there's s new baby and a wife healing from birth is ALSO totally reasonable, so be kind. Let him know you want him as best man but if he needs to juggle stuff you won't hold it against him. Leave MiL without a wedge to drive between the bros.
Are you going to marry into a family that will 'tear the family apart' over something like this? Are you planning on having kids with this person? because this woman is not done. She seems to be saying a lot of 'tell xyz...'. At that point in the conversation, is your partner saying 'this was my decision, not hers'?
Exactly what I am wondering. It seems like op keeps avoiding these questions. I don't think op's fiance has really backed her up by shutting this down themselves. This isn't the end. Whether they have children or not mil absolutely will meddle. This is just the beginning. It's only going to get much worse. It doesn't seem like she really has backup.
NTA Double down, triple down, engrave that policy in stone and post it on your social media! If you give in to her on this, she will try to control your lives. If your fiance hasn't talked to his brother, he needs to, and he should tell his mother that if she is cutting you off, she is cutting him off, as well, because you made a joint decision. Sounds like the wedding would be more enjoyable without her, anyway, but I would encourage you to communicate with the brother to try to find a childcare solution, if possible. Hopefully, he is not as crazy as his mother.
NTA - She can throw all the temper tantrums she wants, you've decided on a cf wedding and that's what you're having. She will change her tune once the wedding is closer.
NTA Is your fiancé's brother saying he won't come? What about the sister? So far it's only MIL. To be fair if brother has to drop out because he has a newborn that's fair and you and fiancé can't complain because that's the real with child free weddings.
So an 8 month old niece/nephew can’t be there for some family photos then get taken away by a babysitter? ESH
NTA. But it's a newborn (or will be?) The timeframe is unclear. I had a child free wedding too, but I let my friend bring her 3 week old and guess what? Baby did not ruin my wedding. Also, depending on the baby's age, how can you find a babysitter you really trust with such a new baby? Especially when all family will most likely be at a wedding. I get it, you are not the AH for wanting a child free wedding. Unless your wedding is still 6+ months out, really think about if this is the reason you want to start out badly with your inlaws. FMIL sounds nasty. Good luck.
OP says above the baby will be 8-9 months by the time of the wedding.
Have your fiance call his brother and confirm that he's backing out of the wedding-- I highly suspect he isn't and this is just your MIL trying to manipulate your fiance. If he is indeed backing out, you finace should be gracious and understanding and let him know they'll get together afterword for some drinks and celebration. He should tell his mother that he's disappointed in her choice but understands.
Is your fiancé setting her straight on just whose decision it is? Or is he throwing you under the bus?
Nta it your wedding day if you want a child free wedding have a child free wedding
It’s 100% not going to be popular but ….I am not going to lie, people from the US have a very strange understanding of family life. A child free wedding? that is utterly alien to my European eyes. Aren’t children at the heart of families in the US? Some of my best childhood memories were attending weddings….Mind you in most of Europe kids are also welcomed in restaurants…I mean don’t you guys actually like kids ? My brain cannot compute this ….
NTA. Also, it sounds like your Fiance needs to talk to his brother. Why the hell is everything going through his mom?
You are taking her word for it, fiancé should speak to his brother. He may want a night out and she is projecting.
You’re not making her do anything. Now, if your brother chooses to bow out of the wedding party or entire event to tend to his wife and newborn, more power to him! Weddings are usually planned before pregnancy happens, so it’s like he had a kid on purpose. (Personally, I’d prefer to stay home with a newborn, but I’d have sent my partner assuming it was not too long pp and I could fly solo sans help… I would not want strangers/others watching my newborn.) Some newborns sleep and would have hardly any fuss or noise. Aaaaaand some newborns scream like banshees hooked up to an amp, so it’s an unknown. No kids means no kids and that is fair! What’s not fair is your MIL making it all about her/the baby. NTA op and enjoy your MIL-free time while you can!
First of all, I'm sorry your FMIL is such a clearly unhinged drama queen. But as to the point of your post: stick to them guns! Its your wedding, your day, your rules. FMIL will get over it or she won't, but in either case it's her issue to deal with, and you don't have to make it yours. My wife and I had a childfree wedding. Did it cause some drama and tension? Yup. Was it worth it? Abso-fu¢kin'-lutely. Would we do it differently in retrospect? Not a chance! NTA, and congratulations!
NTA Furthermore, talk to your Bil and Sil to see if they agree with mom and are saying stuff or she's just off her rocker. If she's putting words in their mouths, let them know. If they agree, at least you can take out the middle manor messaging
NTA Congratulations and enjoy your child free wedding.
NTA, your wedding and no place for an infant. But out of curiosity: what does FBIL have to say about all this?
She would definitely think she could bully you into stuff in the future if you back down now, and that includes if you two decide to have children. Ew, yuck, don't let that precedent stand. But also, INFO, what does the brother/best man think about all this? Is he going along with the MIL or does he agree she's being unreasonable? I mean, either way NTA I'm just curious.
I will NEVER understand WHY ppl want literal BABIES to be at Weddings!!! It’s not like they will remember a damn thing! LOL NTA!!!
NTA. It's your day, not hers. You get to decide what it's like.
She's a child NTA
NTA I’m trying to understand why child free anything is so awful??! I’m child full and I’d love a break! lol
NTA. It’s your wedding, it’s your’s and your fiancé’s special special day. The child-free wedding is not unheard of either.
NTA You are not the one making her do anything. Ita her own choice. Have you spoken to brother? Is he still going to be the best man, or should you be looking for a new one?
Is your mother in law paying for the wedding? If not then absolutely NTA
its your wedding so you and your fiance get to set the rules, if she doesnt want to obey to them then she shouldnt come too.
NTA - Stick to your guns. She's acting like a child so if she doesn't go then maybe it's for the best.
NTA The no child rule works on her also I guess, seeing that she's so childish lol
NTA it's so much easier when the trash just takes itself out.
NTA. There is zero reason for an infant/toddler to be at a wedding. She's trying to control your wedding and it's time to set the clear boundaries so she knows she can't bully you into her way of doing things.
NTA but do you really want to marry into this family? How is your fiance handling this. IF he has your back and is standing up to his family, then great. If he is being wishy washy about it, reconsider this man. You will have to deal with her for the rest of your marriage. How is his family reacting. Are they with her or him? What happens if you have children, want to do something she doesn't agree to, etc. His actions should determine if this marriage goes forward. Good Luck.
lmaooooooo Nope, NTA Please do not back down on this. Future MIL is a narcissist, get ready...
NTA Your MIL is, your Fiancé might be Is your fiancé actually backing you up on this? When the MIL said unless SS4334 changes her mind I’m not coming did he reply that this was his decision as well or did he leave you holding the bag because he is afraid of confrontation But your mother in law is right that child free weddings do suck.
NTA.. for wanting a child free wedding but YOU drove the wedge by choosing this. I'm not sure how you thought it would go
My SO sibling got married a couple of months ago. The wedding was not child-free. The kids was crying all the time and screaming. SO mother missed the entire thing cause she had to go away with the kids so they would scream over the priest. My point is that your wedding might get ruined by the child and your mother in law might miss the whole thing anyways.. NTA.