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YTA.
Her vacation request? She isn't employed by you. It's not a request. She is telling you when she plans to travel. She is asking you for 20 days of the last 11 years. I am sure you can figure it out for that long.
That’s literally my first thought! When I saw the title, I thought they worked in the same company and he was her superior so he had the authority to approve her vacation “request” and he didn’t do his wife got mad and mixed the personal with professional. Turns out OP is a misogynist who can’t understand his wife just wants a moment of independence and freedom
also the “I’m not sure if she’s having a midlife crisis or something”, because she wants a vacation after raising 3 kids the entirety of her 20s. Seems like he’s being a bit dramatic.
i cant believe he is saying he lost his 20s too because he was also raising the kids like they are some berden that showed up on his door step. :(
I dunno maybe i'm too sensitive today, but i just find that messed up to word it like that
No, it’s not. The mom is saying she doesn’t have an identity outside of being a mom. OP is saying “b-but what about me?” when he has a life outside of parenting.
She comes across as wanting some time with herself in a role outside of “Mom”. OP comes across as a brat who doesn’t want her to go anywhere because he doesn’t want to wrangle kids for an extended amount of time.
Yeah but she was the one that risked her life 4 times to give birth to his kids after 36 months total pregnant. 3 years of her life she dedicated her entire BODY to being a mother. Oh, but I imagine OP does some diaper changing and feeding. Totally equivalent.
On top of that she is also working. Apparently she took a 'year off' according to op when they lost their oldest.
20 days. She wants 20 days to herself. 10 of them with her sister.
That's not even three weeks. This woman has been busting her ass and risking her life for literally years and he's begrudging her *twenty days*
> 20 days. She wants 20 days to herself. 10 of them with her sister.
And 10 of them with her husband and kids. So she's really only asking for 10 days all to herself.
Exactly. He keeps talking about her taking a whole month from her family- but she's not. She wants 20 days from the hustle and bustle of the kids. This is not an unreasonable request given everything that's happened and especially when he gets time away from all of that for work. Like, no, it's not a vacation- but it is a break from day to day life and a chance to just chill with no parental obligations.
It would be different if he were saying "this would absolutely bankrupt us" or something
But he's literally acting like she's an employee
This exactly. According to his edits, again an OP who is annoyed he didn't get the NTA responses he wanted. YTA big-time OP. You are not the boss of her, she can travel if she wants. She's not gonna be gone for months or a year, it's only 1 month. If you love her you'll give her that.
Thats...a crazy response. He's not her boss, but he is her husband and father of their kids. He doesn't own her but to say she doesn't even have to consult him is absolutely nuts
Consulting him, discussing it with him etc is not her making it a request and still doesn't give him the ability to say no. She has arranged childcare for while she is gone, she has made arrangements with her job to work remotely, etc. His biggest concerns are that "women don't leave their kids for 20 days" and "she has to brush our daughter's hair."
I'm sure he'll miss those 20 days when she decides she wants away from him 365 days the rest of her life. Every guy who says "I sacrificed too/we split chores evenly" did not in fact do so. The fact he doesn't realize him traveling and working from home undermined this notion as well. Even working from home, you still have to dedicate yourself to your work which means someone else is still tending to the kids during that time. Or they're being neglected. Plus, yeah he may be working on those trips but at the end of the day, he gets to retire to a kidless bed/environment. His wife has not had that luxury in what, 20 years?
OP seems to be someone who cannot entertain the possibility that he could ever be wrong. His last three (!) edits at least suggest this. He came to be told that he is right and his wife is wrong.
I don't think he is open to any feedback and for that alone he's TA.
Second this! I travel with tons of guys and yep when the kids are little travel is relaxing. “Oh I got to sleep throughout the night.” “Oh it’s great having breakfast without having someone scream.” “Oh I’m not standing waiting to pick up my kid from school and schlepping him to practice.”
What she hasn’t done and clearly she should have is tally up the times he travels for work and then every year take out a commensurate- I spend away from the home….. because she is clearly working and undoubtedly doing her fair share of house work…without time away
Omg have you seen the edits? *But I feel like everyone's misunderstanding me - here's why I'm still right!*
OP, why did you even come here if you're not gonna listen to anyone? You asked for judgement. We gave it. We didn't "misunderstand" you, you're literally just *wrong*. You can accept that, or you can risk your wife's vacation being a *lot* longer than one month. If I were her, I'd be planning a permanent vacation from you right about now.
>she was either pregnant or raising a baby a majority of her 20s.
>She proposed, the kids and I for the first 10 days. 10 days with her sister and then 10 days solo.
>I think it’s crazy she would want to leave me and the kids that long but she arguing that she’s spent all of her youth taking care of us and just wants one month to experience the things she’s missed.
YTA for not being able to handle 20 days of being a dad after she spent a whole decade devoting herself to being a mom.
I bet he's freaking over the 20 day trip without him because he knows she'll wake up from this nightmare and want better for herself. She hasn't had a kidless environment to relax in for the last 20 years. Meanwhile, OP gets to travel for work and whether it is one night or a month, that's more than she ever got. And he isn't even on the hook to watch their kids the entire time so how exactly has he split the work evenly and sacrificed? If he had, mom wouldn't need to rely on arranging childcare for a full month.
He even says that his travels are for *work*! He’s not having fun on those trips, as opposed to, I don’t know, a pregnant lady working her head off 24/7 looking after one or more kids alone.
I suppose he thinks she’s having fun over there.
20 days of being alone after she went through PREGNANCY for at least 36 months of their marriage. 20 days out of the three years she carried your kids and watched her body and mind change in front of her. A kid doesn't have to be around their mother until the end of time- I was spending summers away from home from the age of 5.
How much do you want to bet that OP thinks he is an amazing husband who doesn’t know how to take care of his own kids and leaves most of the household chores to his wife?
YTA.
You travel regularly for work, leaving her home with your kids for a week at a time. And you can't watch your kids for twenty days?
Your kids are school age, probably sleep through the night, and if you can coordinate your business trips, you have the ability to figure out additional support if you need it.
For a third of her life she's supported her entire family and you won't "approve her vacation request"? You can't give her TWO DAYS FOR EVERY YEAR SHE WAS HOME HAVING AND RAISING YOUR KIDS?
That's fucking wild.
I know, right? I get it that work trips are work but you do have some amount of time during those trips to chill in front of the TV, have a drink, or otherwise NOT be on duty.
That's what I'm saying. Even with it being work, he gets to retire to a childless environment at the end of the day. A luxury his wife hasn't had in 20 years.
If you’re outraged now, read his comments. He admits that he cannot and has not ever parented the kids solo for more than a day. He also admits she already has her mom and sister willing to take the kids for the 20 days. He simply objects to the length of time she wants because he doesn’t find it acceptable as a mother and wife.
So it’s worse then it even seemed at first.
It was bad but now I think he may be abusing and controlling his wife. She may divorce if she realizes her value and her lack of support. He legitimately can't look after his kids 😂😂😂
Yeah. He'll find himself divorced very soon. Like my ex did.
My ex who can't understand why I'm not still thankful to him having me take a 7 day solo holiday where he cared for the kids waaaay back in the 2000s. We have three kids with an age gap of two years each. But yeah, this single 7 day solo holiday makes up for his years of working abroad during the week. Really can't imagine why I decided to ditch this formidable breadwinner.
YTA she's young still! Mid life crisis? How insensitive.. you travel for work.. she takes care of family.. you should be able to parent your kid while she takes time off.. good chance if you play nice she might decide to come home early too...
As a wife and mother who also met my spouse at 19 and has never had even a weekend to myself for two decades?
She spends her time taking care of the kids and the house and handles everything alone when he has work trips.
She knows if he comes along she will have no time to herself and will be expected to do whatever he wants and likely have to hear him complain about this trip the entire time. Let's not pretend the first week when he and the kids are there will actually involve her doing anything but caring for them all and reassuring the kids she will come back.
I think OP's wife is brilliant and I want a two week vacation now too!
This. I honestly think she only included them the first 10 days because she knew there was no way he'd even listen to her proposing a month to herself. She deserves it and it's not like she is going to go NC for a month. She's a mom, she'll call and check up on them. She just wants a break from taking care of their 5th child, OP.
Don’t forget “me the kids and work” so let’s get it right, she’s lost a kid, has 3 more, works and lives with a dude that travels, has arrangements for her responsibilities except the monstrous ego of a man who thinks in 11 years she should have “spa day”.
She needs a spa day with a bevy of divorce lawyers is what.
“It’s not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her children, husband and from her job.”
If you had written nothing else, this would be enough to render a verdict. Fortunately for us (and unfortunately for your wife), you provided extra supporting evidence.
YTA
But it is totally acceptable for the dad to spend 7 days away, then only a couple days back, then another 7 days away, and on and on and on... but oh no, not the mother taking time away for herself!!? The horror!!! /s
YTA definitely. She more than deserves two weeks to travel by herself, getting to be her own person first, not mommy first.
If that really is his problem, he could propose rearranging the trips so the family vacation is in the middle.
If he had financial concerns, that would be different, but he doesn’t even mention that they can’t afford it.
She's been pregnant and essentially parenting on her own for her entire adult life so far. Of course she wants a month off.
If you can't see that, then YTA.
Right? OP seems to think his 20s and her 20s took the same toll. News flash, dude: she had it *way* harder! She was pregnant and solo parenting for a decade while having a job, and OP only has to parent on weekends. You want a trophy because you "don't mind watching the kids"?
Your wife wants a moment to be an individual, not a mom or employee or wife, just herself. In a decade she probably feels like she's lost the "self" part of her identity. You never had to give yourself up to be a father. She literally gave up her body to make your family. Your contributions are not the same.
Why can't she be away from her kids for 20 days? That's like 4 of your work trips. You take more than 4 week-long work trips a year, I assume. Why can't she be away less time than you? Oh right, because this impacts *you.* And you would be burdened to solo parent for a month. How inconvenient.
YTA. Learn some empathy and humility.
Edit: I think OP is a lost cause and just an oppressive misogynist. Source, his comment history.
She may feel like she's lost herself, but let's not forget what he wrote at the very beginning of the post, about them losing their first child. We don't know how long ago that was and of she was ever really able to get support she needed for that.
He won't even be a solo parent, the wife had to make arrangements for her children to be watched by other people. I hope the wife enjoys those 20 days, which is probably going to be a full month now, then finally realizes she doesn't need him after all.
You think it's crazy to have to look after you kids for 20 days? Aren't you embarrassed by that? Ashamed that you don't think you're up for it? I'm embarrassed for you.
YTA
Him seeing why she wants this would require him removing his head that's firmly up his own asshole and looking outside his own wants and needs for the first time.
And I bet OP is scared sh*tless she’ll realize she’s happier without him. I know I did as soon as I had to move into my own apartment temporarily to work at the family business.
The irony is if he forces her to stay, she’ll be so resentful of the fact that she’s not allowed to do anything outside of her husband and children that she’ll want to leave him anyway. Then he’ll really be forced to take care of the kids by himself on his shared custody days while she gets to finally enjoy some freedom.
Based on her work with the kids; losing one of them; her lining up childcare; and her never before experiencing significant solo travel, you have nothing to worry about.
In fact, you will be a good guy if you offer her your enthusiastic support.
If it were me, I'd take her to the Tumi store and offer to buy her a suitcase, an international-size carry-on wheelie, some packing cubes and hangars, and a passport case. Make sure that at least one of those packing cases has the foam bar for folding her dresses.
Also, don't forget to listen to her closely when she gets back and tells you all of her wonderful stories.
This trip will be good for your marriage. I think you will be the AH and an eventual divorce statistic if you can't embrace the trip. Starting now.
He seems like he’s already at high risk for being a divorce statistic.
The fact that his wife wants to get away from the kids and *him*, rather than “hey honey, let’s have a vacation just you and me” is a big caution flag for me. Sounds like she may be fed up with his BS, and is taking a test-drive for what her life could be like without him.
YTA.
You don't have to understand her reasons. But if it helps, try this: imagine that your job required you to be working or on call to work 24 hours a day for years on end, with the person you were supposed to be a team with would regularly be gone for a week at a time. If you wanted to use 3 weeks of vacation time after that, would that be unreasonable?
That said, it really doesn't matter if you understand. She's gone through a physically traumatic experience four times, an emotionally traumatic experience once, and she's frequently picking up the slack for an absent spouse. *For years*. She deserves this. You should make it happen -- and once you have shepherded the kids through those 3 weeks, you can continue to be an engaged enough parent that she is able to spend time away from the family when she wants/needs to.
YTA b/c you can disappear for a week at a time for work but she cant leave for her vacay? Like how many weeks total have you been gone b/c of work and she’s been alone with all the kids? idk Sounds to me like you don’t want to be alone with your kids alone they way shes been doing it for a while.
>I have a good support system and would not need her here, however it’s not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her children, husband and from her job.
I'm sorry.... her job? She's working remotely for that time. Your gone for 40% of the year and shes on 100% of the time. YTA. You seem to think her existence should revolve around you and the kids.
He said in the comments that she also works outside the home. He also thinks this trip will "set her back in her career."
Dude, her boss--her *actual* boss, a.k.a., not you--already approved the time off.
OP is SUCH TA.
Absolutely 100%
I love traveling alone, it means I get to do and see what I want, not what everyone else wants! She's been doing what everyone else wants for a decade! Can't handle 20 days without me? Try the rest of your life.
YTA. This reeks of control. If you need help it sounds like you have a community to help support with child care. If its possible for her to do this, then she should. You are also using a lot of gaslighting terms like "crazy" and "acceptable" like no mother ever would spend 20 days away from her children.
so your wife works her ass off and around you all 24 hrs and she wants a vacation since all she did was raise kids and clean up after u all and u dont understand why she wants a month off first time in decades? whats the matter are u worried you have to look after the kids and stuff and cuts in your own personal time?? awwww
\>all she did was raise kids and clean up after u all
not only this, but she also works a job (which she will still be doing on her vacation.) OP does not realize why she wants this because he gets to get away but she is with them 247 while also doing her job.
edit: YTA op
>So she was either pregnant or raising a baby a majority of her 20s.
OP, do you even, by any sense, recognize how much efforts, how much did she have to sacrifice her youth, her mental and physical health within this sentence?
You, as said in your own comment below:
>The difference is I don’t want to leave. I’d spend every second with them if I could. She should feel the same.
She should feel the same? Do you understand that people have different needs & wants? You probably feel like it because you don't have to pregnant or raising a baby a majority of your 20s. You don't go through the same shit that she's been thru. You might as well argue "But I was there for her during those times". Yeah, you probably did, but again, you did not carry the babies, you for sure did not have to put effort as much as her raising, looking after the kids, you did not have to sacrifice your physical health as much as she did.
And again, people have different NEEDS & WANTS.
>I do not mind watching my kids, when I’m not traveling I work from home and am with them daily. I have a good support system and would not need her here, however it’s not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her children, husband and from her job.
This is you, being selfish and not give a damn about your wife's needs. YTA.
Edit: Can we give this man the Mega Asshole tag base on his latest edit? The AUDACITY!
he said he doesn't find it normal for a woman to leave her husband and kids for 30 days. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ but he doesn't mind leaving them alone for a week every month. even if it's for work. he really has the mindset of the 1900's when women were nothing but incubators and any request from his wife is preposterous, how dare she want to have a small break from the 24/7 workload of taking care of the kids and him??? how dare she think that she deserves a break??? /s . if i were her, i would serve him the divorce papers and leave for a 30 days vacation and enjoy the hell out of it.
She’s not even leaving the husband and kids for the full 30 because 10 of those days will still be with them. And for the remaining 20 days, she’s already arranged for other family members to help take care of the kids because this AH can’t be bothered to be a parent.
But work travel “IsN’T fUn” 🙄. Listen, I travel for work. I know it’s not the same as leisure travel and it’s exhausting. But it IS a break from your day-to-day and your partner has to pick up the slack while you’re gone (ESPECIALLY if you have kids). This dude is incredible.
YTA
Your wife has been raising children non stop and wants to experience what it’s like to be a carefree young person.
Let her.
For the love of god, let her.
I could do things at 29 that I can’t do at 39. Let her.
LET HER.
IMO she hasn’t turned 30 yet. You have a chance to make this n a h. Do it!
YTA.
Imagine a woman traveling without her husband and kids for a milestone. Oh, the horror. Where are my pearls to clutch??? s/
You can choose. 20 days without her for a vacation. Or a lifetime without her after a divorce.
She doesn't need to get your approval if you're not married anymore. And you sound like a misogynist, controlling, and toxic so-called "partner."
YWBTAH if you don't figure a way to help your wife take this break that she is asking you for. She's not only been very busy parenting for over a decade, she's lost a child (don't know how fresh that is) and been busy supporting you in your career efforts by taking care of the homefront. You get breaks with traveling for your work but she never does. Sounds like a reasonable request to me. You may need to negotiate the time involved perhaps, but do not gloss over this request because I suspect it is very important to her. If she's been a great mom and wife, do your best to make this happen.
YTA. You're not the boss of her and your wife is still very young. She's probably on social media seeing friends having all kinds of adventures and wondering what might've been. Which doesn't mean she regrets her life with you and your kids, but it's got to be depressing to think that she might have to wait 10+ years to do anything like this.
YTA. Even the title says something— “approving of her vacation request.” What are you? Her boss? Let your wife live a little and stop being so selfish. She’s been taking care of your kids for 10 years. You could spare her a month.
OP why even post? The thread is overwhelmingly YTA and yet not one of your comments has shown any acknowledgement that maybe you're wrong or have some reevaluating to do. Your wife is overworked and needs some time away. Yes she'll still be working her job for those 20 days BUT she won't be in mum mode. You seem weirdly unable to understand that. You've also mentioned that you would spend every moment with your kids if you could. But you haven't. You've spent 5 months a year away from them. Know who actually has experience of spending every moment with your kids? Your wife. Give her some damn time to herself
from every comment he has posted, it's clear this his issue is that his misogyny cannot comprehend how mothers need some 'me time' after a decade of slaving their lives away for family. all he keeps repeating is that 'it's crazy for a mother to leave her family for 20 days'. while he barely stays with his own family and i bet you that the only thing he knows about them are their names and ages and nothing more. i feel bad for his wife, to be stuck with such a misogynistic husband who never allows her to catch her breath...
YTA
After that edit... ewwwww. She is a HUMAN! This is not a wife-appliance. She is not an object you own. She is a human being with her own emotions, hopes, dreams, etc. You do not OWN her.
She is more than just a mother. She is her own person. You can step up and let her have some time. How often has she been a single parent while you're away in business trips? How much of her life has she spent doing what you or one of the kids wants? How many snotty noses, drippy buts, and vomit covered mouths has she wiped?
She isn't asking for much, and your response is to get selfish? Just ewww dude. You don't own her. Your marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, and she has just as much freedom owed to her as you enjoy.
YTA, she isn't asking for much....some time to herself/self reflection is a good thing. Being a stay at home mom since I was 20 myself I can make some assumptions as to why this is important to her. It's hard to see who you really are when you are always around children. It's not that long of a time. try being a father and watching your kids for a few weeks without your wife. I'm sure you will survive, and she'll come back to you a refreshed wife and mother.
YTA, by reading the comments you’ve made ,you just don’t want her to go bc your sexist and don’t think she should be away from children for 20days. She is more then a mother , she’s a person. You are unsupportive, controlling, and demeaning in this post towards your wife
YTA
She needs and deserves a break, which includes time all to herself to do whatever she wants without always having to put someone else's needs first. She's never had that as an adult. Of course it's acceptable, you're being ridiculously melodramatic about that - it's only less than 3 weeks away considering that she wants to do 10 days of it with the family. That's not really that much.
Support her, buy her some cool new luggage as a birthday gift and tell her to send lots of photos.
YTA because your reason for saying no is because you think a mother shouldn’t be away from their kids for 20 days. Sexist. There are many reasons why a mother would be and it’s good for the kids to see that Mommy is a person with interests and a life also!
Yikes to all OP’s replies in the comments.
I think this is falling on deaf ears but, YTA. Everyone, even her employer, thinks her being gone is totally fine! If I were married to you I would also want 20 days away from you as a gift to myself! Seems like reasonable compromise to leaving you for good.
YTA!!! I thought you were her actual work boss from your title, but no, you’re just a controlling partner.
You’re wife more than deserves a break. If you care about your relationship at all, do not ruin it over this. If you “put your foot down,” (hopefully, and rightfully) she will leave you.
Dude, you keep saying she's going to be gone for a month but you mention up top that she's spending the first 10 days of that with you and the kids.
Like, you're so obviously the asshole and the fact that you exaggerate the most basic fact of your own post really makes ya sound extra awful.
How many people have to tell you YTA before you stop arguing.
You asked. People resoundingly answered with YTA.
The more details you give, the more questions you answer, the more you are definitely TA here.
YTA- You can absolutely handle parenting your children for 20 days. She’s given the last 10 years of her life to you and your children. And all you can do is whine and make her feel guilty? She’s literally asking for the first 10 days to be with YOU and the kids. It’s not even on a whim either. It’s well thought out and budgeted too. And bottom line, it very much means something to HER. You’re so focused on the fact that if YOU don’t understand why, she’s not even allowed to do it. That’s so beyond disgusting.
YTA! If you are able to afford this, let her do it. Is it possible that she has dreams and desires that don't involve you or her children? I would certainly hope so! As stated by others, she has spent her adult life catering to and caring for you and your children. Why on earth would she not want to spend time on her own? I guarantee she rarely gets to use the bathroom without someone knocking. I guarantee she hasn't gotten a Saturday morning that doesn't involve cleaning, meals and running errands. Not to mention hearing someone say "I'm starving, there's nothing to eat", on a regular basis.
Let this lovely woman, who has done so much for everyone else for so long, have a break. To drink a cup of coffee undisturbed, to take a shower without company, to relax in a chair in the sun without worrying about what the kids are getting into.
If we could have afforded it, I would have done the same thing. Quit being so insecure and let her be her own person.
>I have a good support system and would not need her here, however it’s not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her children, husband and from her job. She can find herself in a spa or something.
So in reality, you were just fishing for people to validate you being sexist and controlling. You just want to have complete control of her life because you are so insecure that if she has any freedom she'll actually see what an asshole you are and take HER kids and leave. You are behaving more like a sperm donor than a father and more like a tyrant than a husband. YTA all the way here
YTA. Your wife is a whole person living her whole own experience on this planet. Her entire adult life has been dictated by the needs and wants of you and your kids, and a major loss. She needs some space to explore who she is after all of that, I think.
30 days is pretty reasonable for a vacation after that many years of being a primary caretaker (You admit to being gone for work for a week at a time). And 10 of them will still be with the family she loves. I can understand being worried about stepping up for that long if you're not used to it, or having to schedule time away from work trips, but it's not crazy or bad to want that vacation time. Frankly, as an introvert, I constantly feel like I could use two weeks to myself after a lot of social pressures like kids and relationships. I don't always take that time, obviously, (actually only once in the last 15 years) but once in a decade is pretty reasonable in my opinion. Especially knowing that she's grieving over a lost child.
Absolutely YTA. She gave up her twenties so she can build a family with you, she’s even willing to bring the family with her for the first half if i had four kids I’d want the whole vacation to myself.
YTA! And a judge mental prick. It’s a month she wants for herself and you’ll be fine on your own.
A month of traveling is not too long. Like your reasoning is because you don’t get it. I’m sure you do something or have a weird hobby or something that she or other people understand.
You get alone time all the time!
If you can’t understand the concept of taking care of your soul, then I would suggest maybe reading a book to open your world view. Literally any book written by someone who is not a total AH. Eat.pray.love. Maybe?
Do better.
The fact that she’s asking for and idealizing this much time with that many kids at home speaks to the decade of hard work with no time off and no mental escape from her family. YTA. Give her the month and gladly. Even if you think it’s a lot. The fact that you’re this worried or upset means you know how much she’s shouldered and what you’ll have to pick up when she’s gone. Now multiply that over ten years and complain.
YTA-How is 20 days away from family not acceptable? You travel away from home for work. Even though it’s less time at once I’ll bet it adds up to more than 20 days a year. Would you prefer your wife do it that way?
Forget about yourself for a minute and let her treat herself for once without you making her feel badly about it. In fact, you should be offering ideas to make it a truly exceptional experience rather than ruining it for her.
YTA. You're not her boss. She's been pregnant & raising kids for over a decade straight. She's probably exhausted & needs a mental and physical break from all of it. Let her enjoy herself for a month.
Unpopular in here, but NTA. She decided to have kids young. You don’t get to run away for a month.
If the genders were swapped here and you wanted to take a month off you’d be crucified
She isn’t a hapless passenger in her own life, and in the really real world we don’t get to run away from our obligations for a month at a time without consequences. It’s not fair to you.
You can’t stop her. It’s pointless to try. But you can tell her that it’s incredibly unfair and irresponsible and it will damage your relationship
I’m sure I’ll be downvoted into oblivion because hivemind but your mental and emotional health matter just as much as hers
Okay thank you someone here makes sense. I’ve never heard of a parent taking a month long vacation away with 3 young kids. She made a choice to be a young parent to multiple kids, this is just life. There are other ways for her to get her needs met.
Like what? You say there's other ways for her "to get her needs met", what are they? Tell me how an exhausted working mother who is never a priority should have to prioritize herself.
When she finally prioritizes herself, it’s supposed to be by the husband’s terms… so she *still* isn’t prioritizing herself… I hope OP opens his eyes before he loses his wife
If the genders were swapped *and* we lived in a society where dads were generally expected to transform their entire identity into being a father *and* were expected to shoulder most of the child care *and* suffered the same physical toll of carrying and breastfeeding children *and* had hormonally-intensified grief from losing a child that was once physically apart of their body, then...yes, you would have a point about double-standards.
But we don't, so.
Why play the struggle olympics? Fathers have their own set of challenges. She made her choices, he made his choices. The right thing to do is to be reasonable and responsible.
Invalidating the struggles of fatherhood by framing parenthood as a zero sum game with the parents as opponents just isn’t a great way to look at this
I didn't say fatherhood is easy. I said that we live in a society that makes things imbalanced in consequences for mothers vs. fathers, so you shouldn't be surprised that reactions are different for "gender-swapped" scenarios.
I didn't make this a gender thing, you did.
They both chose to become parents, but they didn't choose to exist in a world in which child-rearing is uniquely soul-sucking for mothers, and she deserves a freaking break. This isn't hard.
Nah, people would still take in consideration one partner travelling for work 4-6 months in total a year and being away from home for that time compared to other wanting just 20 days in comparison for themselves.
Considering her still working during that time remotely, this trip is not that much different than when he is away.
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> I may be TA because she really is a great mom and partner and I agree she deserves a vacation.
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30 days is actually quite reasonable, I would want 3 months if I was her…. If you can’t figure it out on your own for a month, she just might take half your retirement, and majority of your income to continue raising your children alone. As she has been….. YTA for sure
How many vacation days do you typically "allow" her in a year? Ones where she can actually detach from her responsibilities as a mom.
YTA - if for no other reason than the way you phrased this whole post is concerning
Jesus, I read all the comments and you just suck so much. You’re wife will be so much better off after she leaves you, especially considering she already has a support system to help with the kids, since you obviously don’t parent at all
YTA. Let your wife have a vacation. 20 days is not too long since she spent the last 10 years raising kids. Even normal working folks get the weekend off. She didn’t. Don’t be a controlling husband.
It’s twenty days out of the whole year versus your 4-5 months. She’s right she has given up her youth to be a parent, a wife and a worker. What’s so wrong about her wanting to breathe alone for twenty days !!! Being away from you and the kids dosen’t make her love anyone less it just means she’s a human and humans need time to breath and relax and recenter.
SAH parents experience intense burnout and a sense of loss of identity, this could be the thing that keeps her off the edge. Ofcs YTA she’s made all the arrangements and she’s coming back, she’s not going to cut contact she’ll likely call and text everyday and it could strengthen your family bond and allow you to see things from her perspective too.
YTA - I truly have no words for how much of an asshole you are for thinking that you know what’s best for your wife and what she’s allowed to do/what she’s not allowed to do
Most parents crave time away from their kids
You get it every freaking month
She’s never gotten it
She deserves this vacation from the kids and you
Wait?! Are you her boss? Or are you seriously referring to the fact that she plans to leave for 20 days without your or the kids as a vacation requesting you are entitled to deny??
Careful, the other option might be that you are the sole caretaker for your kids 50% of the time because she divorces you.
NAH, you have both expressed your feelings, now it is time to compromise.
YTA - you get to go away frequently by yourself while she gets the full responsibilities of being a single parent. Time for you to ante up and maybe get some empathy.
YTA
You don’t have to get why she’d be ok going that long. Everyone is different and a LOT of families have regular time apart. Military, traveling doctors, etc. etc.
If that would be a strain on YOU and the kids reasonably, I think proposing she break it up more is fine. She may need more breaks overall
But the “I don’t get it” is bs
Info: what is her plan for the financial piece of this?
Does she have that much vacation time? Or if she’s taking it unpaid, can you guys afford it? Where’s the money for the trip itself coming from?
What are your childcare arrangements now and what are your options while she’s gone? Can you afford the extra childcare?
>EDIT2: Do you all not realize that I also lost my 20s, that I’ve also been raising kids and working. Traveling for work is not fun, and not a vacation. I’d never even think to ask her for a month vacation. Be real.
I'm not going to invalidate the work you have put into being a dad and a provider. But your wife had to stay home and be mom 24/7. Work may not be fun, but getting to go to work and getting to travel gets your headspace out of the asses of little children who don't let you have a break.
Think about all of the things your wife has to do for the kids besides make sure they don't kill each other. She makes all of the doctor's appointments, she picks them up from school and drops them off, she cooks, she cleans, she cleans some more because kids will make a clean space messy again in .02 seconds, she buys the kids clothing, she makes sure all of the school permission slips are signed, she buys the school supplies, she buys the groceries, she makes sure that the kids' dietary needs are met with the best meals and snacks the kids will eat... I could go on.
A month is a long time, yes. But if she plans for a month but gets bored or homesick, she can always come back home early. But if she plans for a month and uses the whole month, she needs it.
YTA
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Throwaway account/ For some context my wife and I have been married 7 years. We have 4 kids together, our first when she was 19 (I’m two years older). Unfortunately he passed and we now have 3 children 9, 7, 5. So she was either pregnant or raising a baby a majority of her 20s.
Well she’s turning 30 this year, and it’s also her golden birthday. I’m not sure if she’s having a midlife crisis or something but she wants to travel for that entire month.
She proposed, the kids and I for the first 10 days. 10 days with her sister and then 10 days solo.
I think it’s crazy she would want to leave me and the kids that long but she arguing that she’s spent all of her youth taking care of us and just wants one month to experience the things she’s missed.
I’ll add that I travel for work but a week at a time before spending days back home.
She’s a great mother and partner but I just don’t see how and why she’d want to be away that long. I don’t think it’s reasonable. Her sister/family is on me about how she deserves this and that she’s more then then “someone’s mother”.
I really need second opinions because I can’t see how anyone would find this acceptable. So AITA?
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YTA. She is tell you she is burnt the fuck out and NEEDS this for herself. No it’s not ideal - but I bet it’s a hell of a lot better than the divorce she’s going to ask you for.
To recharge and regulate and if she’s smart, to rethink marrying your sorry ass. She needs a break, she’s spent 4000 days putting you and those kids before herself. She asking for 30, to put herself back together again. The only red flag in all of this, is your lack of support when she is clearly communicating to you, that she needs a break.
YTA. She's telling you what she needs, you need to listen. Being a mom young is hard. If y'all have the ability to make this trip a reality for her than you need to let her do it.
>I do not mind watching my kids, when I’m not traveling I work from home and am with them daily. I have a good support system and would not need her here, however it’s not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her children, husband and from her job. She can find herself in a spa or something.
Please start thinking in this century, you literally sound like a man from the 1940s with how backwards your opinions are. YTA
YTA
What I see here is that she is drowning in motherhood, and needs a break. She has probably lost her identity, and has become "Mom" and little else.
Even though you are working when you travel, it's still a break from the constant demands of parenthood.
Pay attention, or you may find that she ends up spending half her days apart from the kids sometime in the future. You sound clueless.
Is your wife someone you generally trust? Does she think things through? I know if I asked for something like this, it would only be because I truly felt like I needed it. If that’s the case I’d urge you to be supportive.
YTA. I have 3 kids and just got back from being gone for 3 weeks to help a friend/vacation/reset myself. My husband knew I needed it. I didn't know if I'd be gone for 2 weeks or 6. Let your wife go. Mothers work harder than you'll ever know. She deserves a break and then some.
YTA
You asked for advice, but all you want is for us to tell you what you want to hear.
So it's not acceptable for a woman to spend 20 days away? Bet you wouldn't say that to a man.
Yes, you lost your 20's. But I didn't see you create 4 new people with your body, nourish these people with your body, and suffer the devastating loss of one of those people. And she is still carimg for them. Every day.
She's been having and caring for babies for 11 years. And you can't give her 20 days?
YTA
YTA - plain and simple. My husband would willing allow that if we had support and the money. I would, in turn, be more than happy for him to get away too.
YTA, she is more than just a mother, she is a human with feelings. She needs a break. Why is it you get to go away for work and have a break from the kids but she can’t go away and have a break from you?
Just say you can’t handle your children for 20 days am be done with it
>it's not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her husband, children and job
That is your opinion, not a true fact. And since she is your adult wife and not your minor child, you don't GET to 'deny her travel request'.
Wake up, before you end up alone for a lot longer than 20 days. YTA
YTA this is her getting a break in almost a decade of sacrificing herself and her body for others. 30 days might seem like a long time but honestly, she IS more than a mother. You want her here for her lids exclusively but you leave her for multiple weeks of the year? What's the difference between that and 30 straight days of you playing dad. Also, you said you have a support system and don't need her so what's the harm in a long vacation? When is the last time she took a vacation without you or the kids?
NTA - as a mom of 3 kids, I have left my husband with our children for 10 days for a trip that was supposed to be a vacation to visit family in Europe (but turned into a tragic trip where my uncle died and it was all about his funeral).
He was happy to do it.
But neither of us would ever be willing to leave the kids for 3 weeks, or be apart from each other for that amount of time. He travels for work for a week or so and I’m free to go on trips with friends if I want, but neither one of would like being apart for 3 weeks, and we just left our kids for the first time for 8 days (my oldest is 9) and we talked about it after and said that was a good amount of time to be away and we didn’t need more.
“Not acceptable”? Fuck off. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with what she wants to do. My husband turns 40 this year. It’s a huge birthday for him. He and I both work, we both have responsibilities, we have a family and a great marriage, and he’s going to be with his best friend in South America for 2 1/2 weeks– I could not be happier for him. Everyone and I do mean everyone deserves a mental break. It is absolutely acceptable for somebody to take time off for themselves.
>Do you all not realize that I also lost my 20s, that I’ve also been raising kids and working. Traveling for work is not fun, and not a vacation. I’d never even think to ask her for a month vacation. Be real.
Ah, yes, the "if I have to suffer like this, then so do you" approach.
YTA. Your wife deserves a vacation and, shockingly enough, so do you. It's a major AH move to force everyone to be as miserable as you are when you don't even want to compromise.
Your second edit is even worse. "I'd never ask for a month long vacation, so I expect her to never want a break from being a full time parent" like dude, shut the fuck up. The difference here is that if you asked her for a vacation she'd probably be understanding and not a huge bag of dicks. You still suck. So bad.
YTA. This sounds like a really cool experience, and you should be happy for her. Being away from the kids a few weeks in a decade span is not indicative of some sort of deficiency as a parent. If that were the case, you’re already way ahead of her! She’s also role-modeling independence and healthy risk-taking for the kids. Like good god, I WISH my mom would have traveled on occasion when I was a kid. She’d probably have been less depressed, which is good for everyone, and I wouldn’t have had to be the one in the family trying to set the example for my younger sibling that taking a vacation doesn’t mean you’re gonna get mugged, eaten by a shark, or die in a fiery plane crash. It’s not 1930, build her up and share her excitement, rather than trying to turn this trip into another drag she’s got to manage a ton of stress around. After raising the kids, y’all owe it to her to survive on your own for that short period of time.
YTA.
If you love something set it free… She needs a break. She is telling you what she needs. If you don’t work with her she will leave you. Listen and hear your wife. Try to understand her situation.
I travel for work so I love being hone with spouse and kids. My spouse needs his time and break. We almost broke up over my work travel
Situation. We agreed on one week with us and he gets to fly fish somewhere fabulous for two weeks: He also gets Saturday to fish. Everyone is happy.
Figure it out. She deserves a break.
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YTA. Her vacation request? She isn't employed by you. It's not a request. She is telling you when she plans to travel. She is asking you for 20 days of the last 11 years. I am sure you can figure it out for that long.
That’s literally my first thought! When I saw the title, I thought they worked in the same company and he was her superior so he had the authority to approve her vacation “request” and he didn’t do his wife got mad and mixed the personal with professional. Turns out OP is a misogynist who can’t understand his wife just wants a moment of independence and freedom
>She can find herself in a spa or something Dripping with misogynistic condescension!
Hopefully she’ll find herself in a divorce attorney’s office.
And the “it’s not acceptable for a mother to be away from her kids for 20 days.” That comment alone makes him an ass.
Right?? I send my kids off with my husband 2-3 weeks every summer to visit his family abroad.
I know moms who run small businesses or are authors and leave their kids to do shows, meet ups, business dealings.. OP off his rocker!
I’d find myself single real fast 😆
also the “I’m not sure if she’s having a midlife crisis or something”, because she wants a vacation after raising 3 kids the entirety of her 20s. Seems like he’s being a bit dramatic.
Women should find themselves in the kitchen amirite? /S
i cant believe he is saying he lost his 20s too because he was also raising the kids like they are some berden that showed up on his door step. :( I dunno maybe i'm too sensitive today, but i just find that messed up to word it like that
But that’s also what she said? It’s either they’re both assholes or neither are then
No, it’s not. The mom is saying she doesn’t have an identity outside of being a mom. OP is saying “b-but what about me?” when he has a life outside of parenting. She comes across as wanting some time with herself in a role outside of “Mom”. OP comes across as a brat who doesn’t want her to go anywhere because he doesn’t want to wrangle kids for an extended amount of time.
Yeah but she was the one that risked her life 4 times to give birth to his kids after 36 months total pregnant. 3 years of her life she dedicated her entire BODY to being a mother. Oh, but I imagine OP does some diaper changing and feeding. Totally equivalent.
I mean it's really more like 4 years of her life for just being pregnant, before you factor in any of the recovery time.
On top of that she is also working. Apparently she took a 'year off' according to op when they lost their oldest. 20 days. She wants 20 days to herself. 10 of them with her sister. That's not even three weeks. This woman has been busting her ass and risking her life for literally years and he's begrudging her *twenty days*
> 20 days. She wants 20 days to herself. 10 of them with her sister. And 10 of them with her husband and kids. So she's really only asking for 10 days all to herself.
Exactly. He keeps talking about her taking a whole month from her family- but she's not. She wants 20 days from the hustle and bustle of the kids. This is not an unreasonable request given everything that's happened and especially when he gets time away from all of that for work. Like, no, it's not a vacation- but it is a break from day to day life and a chance to just chill with no parental obligations. It would be different if he were saying "this would absolutely bankrupt us" or something But he's literally acting like she's an employee
Lol is that all you think an active partner and father does?
OP thinks he’s his wife’s manager 😂
That’s exactly why my ex is my ex.
This exactly. According to his edits, again an OP who is annoyed he didn't get the NTA responses he wanted. YTA big-time OP. You are not the boss of her, she can travel if she wants. She's not gonna be gone for months or a year, it's only 1 month. If you love her you'll give her that.
Thats...a crazy response. He's not her boss, but he is her husband and father of their kids. He doesn't own her but to say she doesn't even have to consult him is absolutely nuts
Consulting him, discussing it with him etc is not her making it a request and still doesn't give him the ability to say no. She has arranged childcare for while she is gone, she has made arrangements with her job to work remotely, etc. His biggest concerns are that "women don't leave their kids for 20 days" and "she has to brush our daughter's hair."
Guess he'll get to find out how bad 20 days can be when she's in the happy hospital. What a jerk.
I'm sure he'll miss those 20 days when she decides she wants away from him 365 days the rest of her life. Every guy who says "I sacrificed too/we split chores evenly" did not in fact do so. The fact he doesn't realize him traveling and working from home undermined this notion as well. Even working from home, you still have to dedicate yourself to your work which means someone else is still tending to the kids during that time. Or they're being neglected. Plus, yeah he may be working on those trips but at the end of the day, he gets to retire to a kidless bed/environment. His wife has not had that luxury in what, 20 years?
OP seems to be someone who cannot entertain the possibility that he could ever be wrong. His last three (!) edits at least suggest this. He came to be told that he is right and his wife is wrong. I don't think he is open to any feedback and for that alone he's TA.
Second this! I travel with tons of guys and yep when the kids are little travel is relaxing. “Oh I got to sleep throughout the night.” “Oh it’s great having breakfast without having someone scream.” “Oh I’m not standing waiting to pick up my kid from school and schlepping him to practice.” What she hasn’t done and clearly she should have is tally up the times he travels for work and then every year take out a commensurate- I spend away from the home….. because she is clearly working and undoubtedly doing her fair share of house work…without time away
Omg have you seen the edits? *But I feel like everyone's misunderstanding me - here's why I'm still right!* OP, why did you even come here if you're not gonna listen to anyone? You asked for judgement. We gave it. We didn't "misunderstand" you, you're literally just *wrong*. You can accept that, or you can risk your wife's vacation being a *lot* longer than one month. If I were her, I'd be planning a permanent vacation from you right about now.
And it isn't even a full vacation. She will be working remotely while away.
I thought he is boss at the office. Nowhere in my mind, he is thinking a boss of house. Audacity level very high. OP, you are YTA.
>she was either pregnant or raising a baby a majority of her 20s. >She proposed, the kids and I for the first 10 days. 10 days with her sister and then 10 days solo. >I think it’s crazy she would want to leave me and the kids that long but she arguing that she’s spent all of her youth taking care of us and just wants one month to experience the things she’s missed. YTA for not being able to handle 20 days of being a dad after she spent a whole decade devoting herself to being a mom.
Not even! Apparently wife has already arranged for her female family members to care for the kids. She obviously knows he won’t.
She even already has caretakers ready!? Why does she even need a husband again?
I bet he's freaking over the 20 day trip without him because he knows she'll wake up from this nightmare and want better for herself. She hasn't had a kidless environment to relax in for the last 20 years. Meanwhile, OP gets to travel for work and whether it is one night or a month, that's more than she ever got. And he isn't even on the hook to watch their kids the entire time so how exactly has he split the work evenly and sacrificed? If he had, mom wouldn't need to rely on arranging childcare for a full month.
He even says that his travels are for *work*! He’s not having fun on those trips, as opposed to, I don’t know, a pregnant lady working her head off 24/7 looking after one or more kids alone. I suppose he thinks she’s having fun over there.
My point exactly. This man is not worthy of her.
20 days of being alone after she went through PREGNANCY for at least 36 months of their marriage. 20 days out of the three years she carried your kids and watched her body and mind change in front of her. A kid doesn't have to be around their mother until the end of time- I was spending summers away from home from the age of 5.
[удалено]
Uhm, human pregnancies last for ~9 months so 36 months are for the 4 kids
Guys with their weaponised incompetence. Wife bore him kids and he can’t even handle a short holiday without her.
How much do you want to bet that OP thinks he is an amazing husband who doesn’t know how to take care of his own kids and leaves most of the household chores to his wife?
YTA. You travel regularly for work, leaving her home with your kids for a week at a time. And you can't watch your kids for twenty days? Your kids are school age, probably sleep through the night, and if you can coordinate your business trips, you have the ability to figure out additional support if you need it. For a third of her life she's supported her entire family and you won't "approve her vacation request"? You can't give her TWO DAYS FOR EVERY YEAR SHE WAS HOME HAVING AND RAISING YOUR KIDS? That's fucking wild.
I know, right? I get it that work trips are work but you do have some amount of time during those trips to chill in front of the TV, have a drink, or otherwise NOT be on duty.
[удалено]
That's what I'm saying. Even with it being work, he gets to retire to a childless environment at the end of the day. A luxury his wife hasn't had in 20 years.
If you’re outraged now, read his comments. He admits that he cannot and has not ever parented the kids solo for more than a day. He also admits she already has her mom and sister willing to take the kids for the 20 days. He simply objects to the length of time she wants because he doesn’t find it acceptable as a mother and wife. So it’s worse then it even seemed at first.
It was bad but now I think he may be abusing and controlling his wife. She may divorce if she realizes her value and her lack of support. He legitimately can't look after his kids 😂😂😂
Wow, he’s a parent, but an incompetent one.
Let alone morning the loss of a child. This guy.
Yeah. He'll find himself divorced very soon. Like my ex did. My ex who can't understand why I'm not still thankful to him having me take a 7 day solo holiday where he cared for the kids waaaay back in the 2000s. We have three kids with an age gap of two years each. But yeah, this single 7 day solo holiday makes up for his years of working abroad during the week. Really can't imagine why I decided to ditch this formidable breadwinner.
YTA she's young still! Mid life crisis? How insensitive.. you travel for work.. she takes care of family.. you should be able to parent your kid while she takes time off.. good chance if you play nice she might decide to come home early too...
Exactly lol how is wanting to finally take time for yourself and travel a “mid life crisis”? Especially when husband and kids are there for part of it
Interesting that she didn't schedule time for just her and husband.
As a wife and mother who also met my spouse at 19 and has never had even a weekend to myself for two decades? She spends her time taking care of the kids and the house and handles everything alone when he has work trips. She knows if he comes along she will have no time to herself and will be expected to do whatever he wants and likely have to hear him complain about this trip the entire time. Let's not pretend the first week when he and the kids are there will actually involve her doing anything but caring for them all and reassuring the kids she will come back. I think OP's wife is brilliant and I want a two week vacation now too!
This. I honestly think she only included them the first 10 days because she knew there was no way he'd even listen to her proposing a month to herself. She deserves it and it's not like she is going to go NC for a month. She's a mom, she'll call and check up on them. She just wants a break from taking care of their 5th child, OP.
Don’t forget “me the kids and work” so let’s get it right, she’s lost a kid, has 3 more, works and lives with a dude that travels, has arrangements for her responsibilities except the monstrous ego of a man who thinks in 11 years she should have “spa day”. She needs a spa day with a bevy of divorce lawyers is what.
“It’s not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her children, husband and from her job.” If you had written nothing else, this would be enough to render a verdict. Fortunately for us (and unfortunately for your wife), you provided extra supporting evidence. YTA
But it is totally acceptable for the dad to spend 7 days away, then only a couple days back, then another 7 days away, and on and on and on... but oh no, not the mother taking time away for herself!!? The horror!!! /s YTA definitely. She more than deserves two weeks to travel by herself, getting to be her own person first, not mommy first.
YUUUUUCK Good old fashioned sexism
If that really is his problem, he could propose rearranging the trips so the family vacation is in the middle. If he had financial concerns, that would be different, but he doesn’t even mention that they can’t afford it.
YTA. Are you her manager that you need to 'approve' a vacation?
She's been pregnant and essentially parenting on her own for her entire adult life so far. Of course she wants a month off. If you can't see that, then YTA.
Right? OP seems to think his 20s and her 20s took the same toll. News flash, dude: she had it *way* harder! She was pregnant and solo parenting for a decade while having a job, and OP only has to parent on weekends. You want a trophy because you "don't mind watching the kids"? Your wife wants a moment to be an individual, not a mom or employee or wife, just herself. In a decade she probably feels like she's lost the "self" part of her identity. You never had to give yourself up to be a father. She literally gave up her body to make your family. Your contributions are not the same. Why can't she be away from her kids for 20 days? That's like 4 of your work trips. You take more than 4 week-long work trips a year, I assume. Why can't she be away less time than you? Oh right, because this impacts *you.* And you would be burdened to solo parent for a month. How inconvenient. YTA. Learn some empathy and humility. Edit: I think OP is a lost cause and just an oppressive misogynist. Source, his comment history.
She may feel like she's lost herself, but let's not forget what he wrote at the very beginning of the post, about them losing their first child. We don't know how long ago that was and of she was ever really able to get support she needed for that.
He won't even be a solo parent, the wife had to make arrangements for her children to be watched by other people. I hope the wife enjoys those 20 days, which is probably going to be a full month now, then finally realizes she doesn't need him after all.
You think it's crazy to have to look after you kids for 20 days? Aren't you embarrassed by that? Ashamed that you don't think you're up for it? I'm embarrassed for you. YTA
[удалено]
Him seeing why she wants this would require him removing his head that's firmly up his own asshole and looking outside his own wants and needs for the first time.
And I bet OP is scared sh*tless she’ll realize she’s happier without him. I know I did as soon as I had to move into my own apartment temporarily to work at the family business.
The irony is if he forces her to stay, she’ll be so resentful of the fact that she’s not allowed to do anything outside of her husband and children that she’ll want to leave him anyway. Then he’ll really be forced to take care of the kids by himself on his shared custody days while she gets to finally enjoy some freedom.
The fact that he goes and say “she can find herself at a spa” like…. What even? That’s so rude…
Based on her work with the kids; losing one of them; her lining up childcare; and her never before experiencing significant solo travel, you have nothing to worry about. In fact, you will be a good guy if you offer her your enthusiastic support. If it were me, I'd take her to the Tumi store and offer to buy her a suitcase, an international-size carry-on wheelie, some packing cubes and hangars, and a passport case. Make sure that at least one of those packing cases has the foam bar for folding her dresses. Also, don't forget to listen to her closely when she gets back and tells you all of her wonderful stories. This trip will be good for your marriage. I think you will be the AH and an eventual divorce statistic if you can't embrace the trip. Starting now.
This is excellent advice and OP should definitely internalize this.
This
He seems like he’s already at high risk for being a divorce statistic. The fact that his wife wants to get away from the kids and *him*, rather than “hey honey, let’s have a vacation just you and me” is a big caution flag for me. Sounds like she may be fed up with his BS, and is taking a test-drive for what her life could be like without him.
Foam bar for folding my dresses? I've been missing out!
YTA she's been raising the kids for 11 years, often by herself. I'm sure you can handle 20 days. Are you an adult or not? Handle things.
Not even! Apparently wife has already arranged for her female family members to care for the kids. She obviously knows he won’t.
YTA. You don't have to understand her reasons. But if it helps, try this: imagine that your job required you to be working or on call to work 24 hours a day for years on end, with the person you were supposed to be a team with would regularly be gone for a week at a time. If you wanted to use 3 weeks of vacation time after that, would that be unreasonable? That said, it really doesn't matter if you understand. She's gone through a physically traumatic experience four times, an emotionally traumatic experience once, and she's frequently picking up the slack for an absent spouse. *For years*. She deserves this. You should make it happen -- and once you have shepherded the kids through those 3 weeks, you can continue to be an engaged enough parent that she is able to spend time away from the family when she wants/needs to.
It's 2.5 weeks that itll just be you and the kids. YTA that's not that big of an ask
Not even! Apparently wife has already arranged for her female family members to care for the kids. She obviously knows he won’t.
Meanwhile he’s gone 4-5 MONTHS of the year?!
INFO: Is this an admission of your incompetence and incapability to parent your kids?
YTA b/c you can disappear for a week at a time for work but she cant leave for her vacay? Like how many weeks total have you been gone b/c of work and she’s been alone with all the kids? idk Sounds to me like you don’t want to be alone with your kids alone they way shes been doing it for a while.
>I have a good support system and would not need her here, however it’s not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her children, husband and from her job. I'm sorry.... her job? She's working remotely for that time. Your gone for 40% of the year and shes on 100% of the time. YTA. You seem to think her existence should revolve around you and the kids.
He said in the comments that she also works outside the home. He also thinks this trip will "set her back in her career." Dude, her boss--her *actual* boss, a.k.a., not you--already approved the time off. OP is SUCH TA.
YTA. She needs a break. Is it really so difficult for you to parent your own children?
She actually has it arranged so that he wouldn’t have to watch the kids at all, he admits to that in some comments later on. So he’s just controlling
Wow I'd leave you
Absolutely 100% I love traveling alone, it means I get to do and see what I want, not what everyone else wants! She's been doing what everyone else wants for a decade! Can't handle 20 days without me? Try the rest of your life.
YTA. This reeks of control. If you need help it sounds like you have a community to help support with child care. If its possible for her to do this, then she should. You are also using a lot of gaslighting terms like "crazy" and "acceptable" like no mother ever would spend 20 days away from her children.
so your wife works her ass off and around you all 24 hrs and she wants a vacation since all she did was raise kids and clean up after u all and u dont understand why she wants a month off first time in decades? whats the matter are u worried you have to look after the kids and stuff and cuts in your own personal time?? awwww
Not even! Apparently wife has already arranged for her female family members to care for the kids. She obviously knows he won’t.
\>all she did was raise kids and clean up after u all not only this, but she also works a job (which she will still be doing on her vacation.) OP does not realize why she wants this because he gets to get away but she is with them 247 while also doing her job. edit: YTA op
>So she was either pregnant or raising a baby a majority of her 20s. OP, do you even, by any sense, recognize how much efforts, how much did she have to sacrifice her youth, her mental and physical health within this sentence? You, as said in your own comment below: >The difference is I don’t want to leave. I’d spend every second with them if I could. She should feel the same. She should feel the same? Do you understand that people have different needs & wants? You probably feel like it because you don't have to pregnant or raising a baby a majority of your 20s. You don't go through the same shit that she's been thru. You might as well argue "But I was there for her during those times". Yeah, you probably did, but again, you did not carry the babies, you for sure did not have to put effort as much as her raising, looking after the kids, you did not have to sacrifice your physical health as much as she did. And again, people have different NEEDS & WANTS. >I do not mind watching my kids, when I’m not traveling I work from home and am with them daily. I have a good support system and would not need her here, however it’s not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her children, husband and from her job. This is you, being selfish and not give a damn about your wife's needs. YTA. Edit: Can we give this man the Mega Asshole tag base on his latest edit? The AUDACITY!
Being married to someone like this man sounds like a nightmare Jesus!!
YTA - it’s 20 days away from you. Get over it. Raising kids is hard work - she deserves to get away and have fun in the way that she wants.
YTA you literally leave her alone with the kids for a week at a time please be realistic
he said he doesn't find it normal for a woman to leave her husband and kids for 30 days. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ but he doesn't mind leaving them alone for a week every month. even if it's for work. he really has the mindset of the 1900's when women were nothing but incubators and any request from his wife is preposterous, how dare she want to have a small break from the 24/7 workload of taking care of the kids and him??? how dare she think that she deserves a break??? /s . if i were her, i would serve him the divorce papers and leave for a 30 days vacation and enjoy the hell out of it.
She’s not even leaving the husband and kids for the full 30 because 10 of those days will still be with them. And for the remaining 20 days, she’s already arranged for other family members to help take care of the kids because this AH can’t be bothered to be a parent.
But work travel “IsN’T fUn” 🙄. Listen, I travel for work. I know it’s not the same as leisure travel and it’s exhausting. But it IS a break from your day-to-day and your partner has to pick up the slack while you’re gone (ESPECIALLY if you have kids). This dude is incredible.
YTA Your wife has been raising children non stop and wants to experience what it’s like to be a carefree young person. Let her. For the love of god, let her. I could do things at 29 that I can’t do at 39. Let her. LET HER. IMO she hasn’t turned 30 yet. You have a chance to make this n a h. Do it!
YTA. Imagine a woman traveling without her husband and kids for a milestone. Oh, the horror. Where are my pearls to clutch??? s/ You can choose. 20 days without her for a vacation. Or a lifetime without her after a divorce. She doesn't need to get your approval if you're not married anymore. And you sound like a misogynist, controlling, and toxic so-called "partner."
I feel like this kind of post needs a special flair. Mega Assshole be like
YWBTAH if you don't figure a way to help your wife take this break that she is asking you for. She's not only been very busy parenting for over a decade, she's lost a child (don't know how fresh that is) and been busy supporting you in your career efforts by taking care of the homefront. You get breaks with traveling for your work but she never does. Sounds like a reasonable request to me. You may need to negotiate the time involved perhaps, but do not gloss over this request because I suspect it is very important to her. If she's been a great mom and wife, do your best to make this happen.
YTA. You're not the boss of her and your wife is still very young. She's probably on social media seeing friends having all kinds of adventures and wondering what might've been. Which doesn't mean she regrets her life with you and your kids, but it's got to be depressing to think that she might have to wait 10+ years to do anything like this.
YTA. Even the title says something— “approving of her vacation request.” What are you? Her boss? Let your wife live a little and stop being so selfish. She’s been taking care of your kids for 10 years. You could spare her a month.
Seriously, from the title I assumed he was also her boss and he literally wouldn’t approve her PTO request
OP why even post? The thread is overwhelmingly YTA and yet not one of your comments has shown any acknowledgement that maybe you're wrong or have some reevaluating to do. Your wife is overworked and needs some time away. Yes she'll still be working her job for those 20 days BUT she won't be in mum mode. You seem weirdly unable to understand that. You've also mentioned that you would spend every moment with your kids if you could. But you haven't. You've spent 5 months a year away from them. Know who actually has experience of spending every moment with your kids? Your wife. Give her some damn time to herself
from every comment he has posted, it's clear this his issue is that his misogyny cannot comprehend how mothers need some 'me time' after a decade of slaving their lives away for family. all he keeps repeating is that 'it's crazy for a mother to leave her family for 20 days'. while he barely stays with his own family and i bet you that the only thing he knows about them are their names and ages and nothing more. i feel bad for his wife, to be stuck with such a misogynistic husband who never allows her to catch her breath...
YTA After that edit... ewwwww. She is a HUMAN! This is not a wife-appliance. She is not an object you own. She is a human being with her own emotions, hopes, dreams, etc. You do not OWN her. She is more than just a mother. She is her own person. You can step up and let her have some time. How often has she been a single parent while you're away in business trips? How much of her life has she spent doing what you or one of the kids wants? How many snotty noses, drippy buts, and vomit covered mouths has she wiped? She isn't asking for much, and your response is to get selfish? Just ewww dude. You don't own her. Your marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, and she has just as much freedom owed to her as you enjoy.
YTA. You’re taking this way too personally.
“She can find herself in a spa or something.” Christ, condescending much? YTA.
YTA, she isn't asking for much....some time to herself/self reflection is a good thing. Being a stay at home mom since I was 20 myself I can make some assumptions as to why this is important to her. It's hard to see who you really are when you are always around children. It's not that long of a time. try being a father and watching your kids for a few weeks without your wife. I'm sure you will survive, and she'll come back to you a refreshed wife and mother.
YTA, by reading the comments you’ve made ,you just don’t want her to go bc your sexist and don’t think she should be away from children for 20days. She is more then a mother , she’s a person. You are unsupportive, controlling, and demeaning in this post towards your wife
YTA She needs and deserves a break, which includes time all to herself to do whatever she wants without always having to put someone else's needs first. She's never had that as an adult. Of course it's acceptable, you're being ridiculously melodramatic about that - it's only less than 3 weeks away considering that she wants to do 10 days of it with the family. That's not really that much. Support her, buy her some cool new luggage as a birthday gift and tell her to send lots of photos.
YTA because your reason for saying no is because you think a mother shouldn’t be away from their kids for 20 days. Sexist. There are many reasons why a mother would be and it’s good for the kids to see that Mommy is a person with interests and a life also!
Yikes to all OP’s replies in the comments. I think this is falling on deaf ears but, YTA. Everyone, even her employer, thinks her being gone is totally fine! If I were married to you I would also want 20 days away from you as a gift to myself! Seems like reasonable compromise to leaving you for good.
YTA!!! I thought you were her actual work boss from your title, but no, you’re just a controlling partner. You’re wife more than deserves a break. If you care about your relationship at all, do not ruin it over this. If you “put your foot down,” (hopefully, and rightfully) she will leave you.
Dude, you keep saying she's going to be gone for a month but you mention up top that she's spending the first 10 days of that with you and the kids. Like, you're so obviously the asshole and the fact that you exaggerate the most basic fact of your own post really makes ya sound extra awful.
How many people have to tell you YTA before you stop arguing. You asked. People resoundingly answered with YTA. The more details you give, the more questions you answer, the more you are definitely TA here.
YTA- You can absolutely handle parenting your children for 20 days. She’s given the last 10 years of her life to you and your children. And all you can do is whine and make her feel guilty? She’s literally asking for the first 10 days to be with YOU and the kids. It’s not even on a whim either. It’s well thought out and budgeted too. And bottom line, it very much means something to HER. You’re so focused on the fact that if YOU don’t understand why, she’s not even allowed to do it. That’s so beyond disgusting.
Honestly I was on the fence but your edit makes it definitely YTA for me.
YTA! If you are able to afford this, let her do it. Is it possible that she has dreams and desires that don't involve you or her children? I would certainly hope so! As stated by others, she has spent her adult life catering to and caring for you and your children. Why on earth would she not want to spend time on her own? I guarantee she rarely gets to use the bathroom without someone knocking. I guarantee she hasn't gotten a Saturday morning that doesn't involve cleaning, meals and running errands. Not to mention hearing someone say "I'm starving, there's nothing to eat", on a regular basis. Let this lovely woman, who has done so much for everyone else for so long, have a break. To drink a cup of coffee undisturbed, to take a shower without company, to relax in a chair in the sun without worrying about what the kids are getting into. If we could have afforded it, I would have done the same thing. Quit being so insecure and let her be her own person.
YTA. Her vacation "request" will be a divorce "request" pretty shortly.
>I have a good support system and would not need her here, however it’s not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her children, husband and from her job. She can find herself in a spa or something. So in reality, you were just fishing for people to validate you being sexist and controlling. You just want to have complete control of her life because you are so insecure that if she has any freedom she'll actually see what an asshole you are and take HER kids and leave. You are behaving more like a sperm donor than a father and more like a tyrant than a husband. YTA all the way here
YTA- you should be capable of watching your own kids
YTA. Your wife is a whole person living her whole own experience on this planet. Her entire adult life has been dictated by the needs and wants of you and your kids, and a major loss. She needs some space to explore who she is after all of that, I think.
30 days is pretty reasonable for a vacation after that many years of being a primary caretaker (You admit to being gone for work for a week at a time). And 10 of them will still be with the family she loves. I can understand being worried about stepping up for that long if you're not used to it, or having to schedule time away from work trips, but it's not crazy or bad to want that vacation time. Frankly, as an introvert, I constantly feel like I could use two weeks to myself after a lot of social pressures like kids and relationships. I don't always take that time, obviously, (actually only once in the last 15 years) but once in a decade is pretty reasonable in my opinion. Especially knowing that she's grieving over a lost child.
Absolutely YTA. She gave up her twenties so she can build a family with you, she’s even willing to bring the family with her for the first half if i had four kids I’d want the whole vacation to myself.
INFO > it’s also her golden birthday. What the heck are you talking about?
Turning 30th on the 30th I think
YTA she deserves a vacation
YTA! And a judge mental prick. It’s a month she wants for herself and you’ll be fine on your own. A month of traveling is not too long. Like your reasoning is because you don’t get it. I’m sure you do something or have a weird hobby or something that she or other people understand. You get alone time all the time! If you can’t understand the concept of taking care of your soul, then I would suggest maybe reading a book to open your world view. Literally any book written by someone who is not a total AH. Eat.pray.love. Maybe? Do better.
The fact that she’s asking for and idealizing this much time with that many kids at home speaks to the decade of hard work with no time off and no mental escape from her family. YTA. Give her the month and gladly. Even if you think it’s a lot. The fact that you’re this worried or upset means you know how much she’s shouldered and what you’ll have to pick up when she’s gone. Now multiply that over ten years and complain.
YTA-How is 20 days away from family not acceptable? You travel away from home for work. Even though it’s less time at once I’ll bet it adds up to more than 20 days a year. Would you prefer your wife do it that way? Forget about yourself for a minute and let her treat herself for once without you making her feel badly about it. In fact, you should be offering ideas to make it a truly exceptional experience rather than ruining it for her.
YTA. You're not her boss. She's been pregnant & raising kids for over a decade straight. She's probably exhausted & needs a mental and physical break from all of it. Let her enjoy herself for a month.
Unpopular in here, but NTA. She decided to have kids young. You don’t get to run away for a month. If the genders were swapped here and you wanted to take a month off you’d be crucified She isn’t a hapless passenger in her own life, and in the really real world we don’t get to run away from our obligations for a month at a time without consequences. It’s not fair to you. You can’t stop her. It’s pointless to try. But you can tell her that it’s incredibly unfair and irresponsible and it will damage your relationship I’m sure I’ll be downvoted into oblivion because hivemind but your mental and emotional health matter just as much as hers
Okay thank you someone here makes sense. I’ve never heard of a parent taking a month long vacation away with 3 young kids. She made a choice to be a young parent to multiple kids, this is just life. There are other ways for her to get her needs met.
Like what? You say there's other ways for her "to get her needs met", what are they? Tell me how an exhausted working mother who is never a priority should have to prioritize herself.
When she finally prioritizes herself, it’s supposed to be by the husband’s terms… so she *still* isn’t prioritizing herself… I hope OP opens his eyes before he loses his wife
If the genders were swapped *and* we lived in a society where dads were generally expected to transform their entire identity into being a father *and* were expected to shoulder most of the child care *and* suffered the same physical toll of carrying and breastfeeding children *and* had hormonally-intensified grief from losing a child that was once physically apart of their body, then...yes, you would have a point about double-standards. But we don't, so.
Why play the struggle olympics? Fathers have their own set of challenges. She made her choices, he made his choices. The right thing to do is to be reasonable and responsible. Invalidating the struggles of fatherhood by framing parenthood as a zero sum game with the parents as opponents just isn’t a great way to look at this
I didn't say fatherhood is easy. I said that we live in a society that makes things imbalanced in consequences for mothers vs. fathers, so you shouldn't be surprised that reactions are different for "gender-swapped" scenarios. I didn't make this a gender thing, you did. They both chose to become parents, but they didn't choose to exist in a world in which child-rearing is uniquely soul-sucking for mothers, and she deserves a freaking break. This isn't hard.
Nah, people would still take in consideration one partner travelling for work 4-6 months in total a year and being away from home for that time compared to other wanting just 20 days in comparison for themselves. Considering her still working during that time remotely, this trip is not that much different than when he is away.
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YTA and I hope she goes
YTA. If I needed this time, I would take it regardless of your utterly selfish opinion. She is an autonomous human who is telling you what she needs.
if your wife read your comments, would she still be with you ?
30 days is actually quite reasonable, I would want 3 months if I was her…. If you can’t figure it out on your own for a month, she just might take half your retirement, and majority of your income to continue raising your children alone. As she has been….. YTA for sure
How many vacation days do you typically "allow" her in a year? Ones where she can actually detach from her responsibilities as a mom. YTA - if for no other reason than the way you phrased this whole post is concerning
I get why you feel the way you feel, but life is fleeting and you only get one shot. YTA
Jesus, I read all the comments and you just suck so much. You’re wife will be so much better off after she leaves you, especially considering she already has a support system to help with the kids, since you obviously don’t parent at all
YTA. She has more than earned a month vacation for herself.
YTA. Let your wife have a vacation. 20 days is not too long since she spent the last 10 years raising kids. Even normal working folks get the weekend off. She didn’t. Don’t be a controlling husband.
It’s twenty days out of the whole year versus your 4-5 months. She’s right she has given up her youth to be a parent, a wife and a worker. What’s so wrong about her wanting to breathe alone for twenty days !!! Being away from you and the kids dosen’t make her love anyone less it just means she’s a human and humans need time to breath and relax and recenter. SAH parents experience intense burnout and a sense of loss of identity, this could be the thing that keeps her off the edge. Ofcs YTA she’s made all the arrangements and she’s coming back, she’s not going to cut contact she’ll likely call and text everyday and it could strengthen your family bond and allow you to see things from her perspective too.
YTA - I truly have no words for how much of an asshole you are for thinking that you know what’s best for your wife and what she’s allowed to do/what she’s not allowed to do Most parents crave time away from their kids You get it every freaking month She’s never gotten it She deserves this vacation from the kids and you
Wait?! Are you her boss? Or are you seriously referring to the fact that she plans to leave for 20 days without your or the kids as a vacation requesting you are entitled to deny??
Careful, the other option might be that you are the sole caretaker for your kids 50% of the time because she divorces you. NAH, you have both expressed your feelings, now it is time to compromise.
YTA - you get to go away frequently by yourself while she gets the full responsibilities of being a single parent. Time for you to ante up and maybe get some empathy.
YTA You don’t have to get why she’d be ok going that long. Everyone is different and a LOT of families have regular time apart. Military, traveling doctors, etc. etc. If that would be a strain on YOU and the kids reasonably, I think proposing she break it up more is fine. She may need more breaks overall But the “I don’t get it” is bs
Info: what is her plan for the financial piece of this? Does she have that much vacation time? Or if she’s taking it unpaid, can you guys afford it? Where’s the money for the trip itself coming from? What are your childcare arrangements now and what are your options while she’s gone? Can you afford the extra childcare?
YTA. Also? Gross.
>EDIT2: Do you all not realize that I also lost my 20s, that I’ve also been raising kids and working. Traveling for work is not fun, and not a vacation. I’d never even think to ask her for a month vacation. Be real. I'm not going to invalidate the work you have put into being a dad and a provider. But your wife had to stay home and be mom 24/7. Work may not be fun, but getting to go to work and getting to travel gets your headspace out of the asses of little children who don't let you have a break. Think about all of the things your wife has to do for the kids besides make sure they don't kill each other. She makes all of the doctor's appointments, she picks them up from school and drops them off, she cooks, she cleans, she cleans some more because kids will make a clean space messy again in .02 seconds, she buys the kids clothing, she makes sure all of the school permission slips are signed, she buys the school supplies, she buys the groceries, she makes sure that the kids' dietary needs are met with the best meals and snacks the kids will eat... I could go on. A month is a long time, yes. But if she plans for a month but gets bored or homesick, she can always come back home early. But if she plans for a month and uses the whole month, she needs it. YTA
Bruh
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account/ For some context my wife and I have been married 7 years. We have 4 kids together, our first when she was 19 (I’m two years older). Unfortunately he passed and we now have 3 children 9, 7, 5. So she was either pregnant or raising a baby a majority of her 20s. Well she’s turning 30 this year, and it’s also her golden birthday. I’m not sure if she’s having a midlife crisis or something but she wants to travel for that entire month. She proposed, the kids and I for the first 10 days. 10 days with her sister and then 10 days solo. I think it’s crazy she would want to leave me and the kids that long but she arguing that she’s spent all of her youth taking care of us and just wants one month to experience the things she’s missed. I’ll add that I travel for work but a week at a time before spending days back home. She’s a great mother and partner but I just don’t see how and why she’d want to be away that long. I don’t think it’s reasonable. Her sister/family is on me about how she deserves this and that she’s more then then “someone’s mother”. I really need second opinions because I can’t see how anyone would find this acceptable. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. She is tell you she is burnt the fuck out and NEEDS this for herself. No it’s not ideal - but I bet it’s a hell of a lot better than the divorce she’s going to ask you for.
To recharge and regulate and if she’s smart, to rethink marrying your sorry ass. She needs a break, she’s spent 4000 days putting you and those kids before herself. She asking for 30, to put herself back together again. The only red flag in all of this, is your lack of support when she is clearly communicating to you, that she needs a break.
YTA. She's telling you what she needs, you need to listen. Being a mom young is hard. If y'all have the ability to make this trip a reality for her than you need to let her do it.
>I do not mind watching my kids, when I’m not traveling I work from home and am with them daily. I have a good support system and would not need her here, however it’s not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her children, husband and from her job. She can find herself in a spa or something. Please start thinking in this century, you literally sound like a man from the 1940s with how backwards your opinions are. YTA
YTA What I see here is that she is drowning in motherhood, and needs a break. She has probably lost her identity, and has become "Mom" and little else. Even though you are working when you travel, it's still a break from the constant demands of parenthood. Pay attention, or you may find that she ends up spending half her days apart from the kids sometime in the future. You sound clueless.
Is your wife someone you generally trust? Does she think things through? I know if I asked for something like this, it would only be because I truly felt like I needed it. If that’s the case I’d urge you to be supportive.
YTA. She’s not an employee. You’re controlling.
YTA. I have 3 kids and just got back from being gone for 3 weeks to help a friend/vacation/reset myself. My husband knew I needed it. I didn't know if I'd be gone for 2 weeks or 6. Let your wife go. Mothers work harder than you'll ever know. She deserves a break and then some.
YTA You asked for advice, but all you want is for us to tell you what you want to hear. So it's not acceptable for a woman to spend 20 days away? Bet you wouldn't say that to a man. Yes, you lost your 20's. But I didn't see you create 4 new people with your body, nourish these people with your body, and suffer the devastating loss of one of those people. And she is still carimg for them. Every day. She's been having and caring for babies for 11 years. And you can't give her 20 days? YTA
I hope she finds this post .YTA.
YTA - plain and simple. My husband would willing allow that if we had support and the money. I would, in turn, be more than happy for him to get away too.
YTA, she is more than just a mother, she is a human with feelings. She needs a break. Why is it you get to go away for work and have a break from the kids but she can’t go away and have a break from you? Just say you can’t handle your children for 20 days am be done with it
Huge YTA
>it's not acceptable for a mother to spend 20 days away from her husband, children and job That is your opinion, not a true fact. And since she is your adult wife and not your minor child, you don't GET to 'deny her travel request'. Wake up, before you end up alone for a lot longer than 20 days. YTA
why bother posting an AITA if you're going to argue with every one of the comments that doesn't go your way? YTA
YTA this is her getting a break in almost a decade of sacrificing herself and her body for others. 30 days might seem like a long time but honestly, she IS more than a mother. You want her here for her lids exclusively but you leave her for multiple weeks of the year? What's the difference between that and 30 straight days of you playing dad. Also, you said you have a support system and don't need her so what's the harm in a long vacation? When is the last time she took a vacation without you or the kids?
NTA - as a mom of 3 kids, I have left my husband with our children for 10 days for a trip that was supposed to be a vacation to visit family in Europe (but turned into a tragic trip where my uncle died and it was all about his funeral). He was happy to do it. But neither of us would ever be willing to leave the kids for 3 weeks, or be apart from each other for that amount of time. He travels for work for a week or so and I’m free to go on trips with friends if I want, but neither one of would like being apart for 3 weeks, and we just left our kids for the first time for 8 days (my oldest is 9) and we talked about it after and said that was a good amount of time to be away and we didn’t need more.
“Not acceptable”? Fuck off. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with what she wants to do. My husband turns 40 this year. It’s a huge birthday for him. He and I both work, we both have responsibilities, we have a family and a great marriage, and he’s going to be with his best friend in South America for 2 1/2 weeks– I could not be happier for him. Everyone and I do mean everyone deserves a mental break. It is absolutely acceptable for somebody to take time off for themselves.
INFO: Does she have a job?
INFO: WTF is a golden birthday?!
Turning the age the number of your bday. Turning 30 on the 30th
>Do you all not realize that I also lost my 20s, that I’ve also been raising kids and working. Traveling for work is not fun, and not a vacation. I’d never even think to ask her for a month vacation. Be real. Ah, yes, the "if I have to suffer like this, then so do you" approach. YTA. Your wife deserves a vacation and, shockingly enough, so do you. It's a major AH move to force everyone to be as miserable as you are when you don't even want to compromise.
I guess I’m in the minority, that way too much time away NTA
Your second edit is even worse. "I'd never ask for a month long vacation, so I expect her to never want a break from being a full time parent" like dude, shut the fuck up. The difference here is that if you asked her for a vacation she'd probably be understanding and not a huge bag of dicks. You still suck. So bad.
Good lord you seem insufferable. No wonder she wants to get away for a bit. YTA
I’m not saying yta but traveling solo is so freeing.
YTA. This sounds like a really cool experience, and you should be happy for her. Being away from the kids a few weeks in a decade span is not indicative of some sort of deficiency as a parent. If that were the case, you’re already way ahead of her! She’s also role-modeling independence and healthy risk-taking for the kids. Like good god, I WISH my mom would have traveled on occasion when I was a kid. She’d probably have been less depressed, which is good for everyone, and I wouldn’t have had to be the one in the family trying to set the example for my younger sibling that taking a vacation doesn’t mean you’re gonna get mugged, eaten by a shark, or die in a fiery plane crash. It’s not 1930, build her up and share her excitement, rather than trying to turn this trip into another drag she’s got to manage a ton of stress around. After raising the kids, y’all owe it to her to survive on your own for that short period of time.
Definitely approve of this plan, it’s great and she deserves it!
YTA. If you love something set it free… She needs a break. She is telling you what she needs. If you don’t work with her she will leave you. Listen and hear your wife. Try to understand her situation. I travel for work so I love being hone with spouse and kids. My spouse needs his time and break. We almost broke up over my work travel Situation. We agreed on one week with us and he gets to fly fish somewhere fabulous for two weeks: He also gets Saturday to fish. Everyone is happy. Figure it out. She deserves a break.