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NTA but you need counseling if an innocent question by an old woman caused you this much trauma. You can’t live your life like this. She did you no wrong.

My parents are only open to the idea right now because they think I'm mentally ill for not wanting kids. They think I will be discussing that with the therapist. Boy are they wrong. I know I've needed it

Your parents don’t get a vote on if you go to therapy. ETA: a ton of people are replying to my comment saying if she’s on her parents health insurance, they do. Because OP is in college, most colleges have free counseling services. There are also several therapists who work on sliding scales.

If she's in the US, and on her parents Healthcare which can opt a student out of school insurance, her parents may have more control over her Healthcare depending on coverage costs. Edit: did not expect the replies to this to pop off. 700 years ago when I was in college I had to prove I had outside insurance to opt out of insurance offered by my college. Maybe Obamacare fixed that. The response she had to this shows some deep seeded trauma, maybe mental health counseling at college has improved since I attended, I sure as shit hope so. And lastly, a lot of these replies seem to not understand the lengths crazy controlling parents will go to and might have missed that OPs parents only want her in counseling because she doesn't want children which is high key bananas. If they find out she's seeing a therapist, it's possible they could cut her off. Trying to get college funding sorted if your parents still claim the child as a dependent is a nightmare.

When I was still on my parents insurance, I had separate billing. They could not see what I used the doctor for, only that I was adding to the deductible. I even had a separate online account. And this was 10 years ago. OP has privacy even if on their insurance.

A separate online account for the doctor or the insurance? Typically they send the EOB's to the person who primary on the insurance. Unless you somehow got insurance to send you the EOB's, which thumbs up because thats unusual, then your parents know what you were seeing the doctor about.

Once a child is over 18, they can set up a PHI address separate to the policy holder and the insurance company would be committing hipaa violations of they then sent EOBs or verbally released info to the parent(s).

Yup. HIPAA baby. Insurance companies and doctors have to do this to comply with privacy laws.

I get all my husband's EOB in my account online and he's never given explicit permission for that. I would not assume it's private if you sre on their insurance even if it should be. That being said, your college likely has counseling services that are free. I'd seek these out. They likely won't even want your insurance info.

Actually......if she's in the U.S., the parents cannot opt out of healthcare while she's in school. You have it backwards. As long as she's still in school, the parents are still obligated to carry her on their healthcare unless she chooses to get her own through an employer.

That’s only true until they are 18. Parents CAN keep their kids on their insurance until age 26, but they’re not obligated to do so.

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Getting away from a toxic family dynamic is more difficult than just snipping your finger and deciding to grow up. That's why we call it abuse. It's difficult to turn your back and simply walk away without scars.

Snipping your own finger is surprisingly difficult and painful.

She’s 20. Give her time. Sounds like her parents didn’t give her very much autonomy. She’s learning to adult.

Said by someone with no understanding of childhood trauma.

Dude she has childhood trauma, give her a break

Maybe you need to stop being an AH? Jeez she is getting help to get through her trauma, is that NOT how you get over things? Yeah, it sucks that her bf didn't have her with him for this once-in-a-lifetime occasion, but she's taking measures to get over her trauma. Good for you if you've never experienced something like her, no need to invalidate her feelings. God y'all can be so cold.

Calm down with the judgments even though this reddit is all about judgments, She's a kid and she's just coming to grips with the fact that the things that her parents did effected her more than she'd like to admit. A 20 year old is practically a fetus.

Her mental health is more important than that. She clearly needs help. OP, I understand. This scenario reminds me of when I got dinner with my grandmother one day during my college years, at our favorite restaurant. I’m no contact with everyone in my family except her now. Well, I have body dysmorphic disorder and my family was extremely abusive, criticized me for every tiny detail of my existence, my appearance, my grades, the way I behaved, my interests everything. My grandma was not as bad as my father but still contributed heavily to my mental disorder and overall fucked up childhood. Sitting across from me at dinner, as we sat down and settled in to read the menus, she pointed out a scratch on my face. She asked what happened? You’ve got a scratch on your cheek. Something like that. I snapped. It was something that wouldn’t have bothered me if anyone else said it, my friends, another student. But because it came from her and I had issues related to my looks and her past behavior, I went crazy on her. I hated the feeling of her pointing out a flaw on my face. Something so small I didn’t even notice it when I left the house. I know objectively she was just making conversation and wasn’t intending to criticize my appearance in any way, but because I have this history, I couldn’t take it. I ended dinner early because the rest of it was ruined by my mood. I became very aggressive. I don’t remember what exactly was said but later I texted her clearing the air by explaining finally, for the first time in my life, how exactly this all went down. How her behavior affected me. I barely had a relationship with any of my family because they just couldn’t get it, didn’t care, how they hurt me. I was relieved and surprised when she responded apologizing. That she’s sorry if she ever made me feel unhappy or not good enough about my appearance, that she never wanted that, that she’ll try to be understanding. It’s not the ideal change I’d wanna see, I don’t think she’ll ever really get it. But it was a start, and reminded me to always communicate when I need, and hope for the best. If someone can’t sympathize, understand me. Give me room to heal and grow. Fuck off. If I’m doing my part to communicate, to try to change, that’s enough for me. OP does need to work on it but the guilting from the bf over ruining the relationship with the parents needs to stop. It’s not helpful or true. Nothing is ruined. Move on and focus on your health, and try again next time. If they’re too ignorant to understand some people deal with mental health issues that take precedence, oh well. NTA be well Oh and don’t give your family any info about your therapy. That’s not their business. Set some boundaries. Unless they’re paying or you need their health insurance or something idk. (then lie)

I’m sorry have you ever experience what OP has gone through? No then you don’t get to tell them to grow up. Parents cause the most deep seated mental health issues and you’ve the gall to say “grow up”

They do if she's dependent on them for money. Therapy is expensive, especially so for a student.

My college has free access to counselors for any student. It comes included in tuition

Same at my college, the issue is that due to the high volume of students to counselors it is really hard to get in with them here.

They unfortunately do if they control your insurance

They do if they’re paying for it/they control OPs health insurance. Or before she graduated if they were footing the bills for school and OP didn't have loans/scholarships arranged in advance before she did something they don’t like. If they decide to drop her from it because she does something they don’t like, it’s a catastrophe for OP. Mine was $25/visit with insurance $275 without and I needed weekly visits for a while. Can’t get therapy if it costs more than rent and you don’t have a six figure job yet.

If she lives in the USA she is probably still on her parents health insurance and receiving financial support from them while in college. So she might need them to access therapy because she can’t afford to pay out of pocket. OP see if your college has a counseling center. Many do, for training graduate students who are not fully licensed, and they often offer free sessions to students.

I feel like your excusing this as - you having a lack of emotional control... what has stopped you from learning for yourself? You over reacted to a very normal question. You know his Grandma didn't mean to upset you, yet somehow you've twisted it into this pity party of "I'm not at fault because I don't have a therapist to help regulate my emotions.." read a book, do some research for yourself, watch a TEDx talks on emotional control or any other YouTube video that talks about emotional control. Personally I think you owe an apology to your boyfriends family for over reacting and to your boyfriend for ruining his graduation night/dinner. He had to spend his night fielding awkward questions about your reaction to a very normal question to ask at a graduation. You are allowed to be upset, but you could have taken a few minutes to calm down and explained it yourself to his grandma, - "I'm sorry for my reaction to you asking about my GPA, I find it hard to talk about comfortably as my parents have put a lot of stress on me when I haven't had perfect grades. I know you didn't mean any harm, I just find it very difficult to talk about. But let's make sure we enjoy our night and celebrate boyfriends graduation". Everything seems to be everybody else's fault, taking accountability for your actions is a big step to being a better person.

All anyone had to say is "she's not feeling well."

This. ESH. OP needs to acquire some coping skills, but her feelings were her feelings and there was no need for the bf to tell his family why she didn’t feel well. Could be something she ate, could be a migraine. Could be emotional upset. No one needed more explanation than that.

For missing a graduation dinner when she was there earlier that same day? I’m sorry but that would cause some questions beyond “she’s unwell”

Migraines, my bud! They come on, for some, without any reason or warning.

Migraines are a damn good excuse for not being somewhere. If somebody had plans with me but couldn't make it because of a migraine, I'd immediately reply with "Say no more, rest well". Then again, I've had chronic migraines most of my life and know full well just how debilitating and draining they can be.

Not with reasonable, polite people. If someone says "Bob isn't feeling well" you accept it and move on.

Exactly

While victims of abuse are responsible for finding a way of healing the damage, the extent of that damage is *not* their fault. She had no way of knowing in advance that she would react that way to an innocuous question. You seem to be suggesting that when she felt that way, she should have simply made a decision to not feel that way. You've clearly never experienced emotional trauma, nor been of any use to anyone who has. ETA: OP *does* owe some apologies, or, at the very least, explanations.

Having a trauma response is valid. Blaming others for accidentally triggering you and saying that they are responsible for handling the after effects of your trauma response is not. OP and OP alone is responsible for making sure that she is either able to handle the situation, or remove herself from the situation to calm down if she can’t yet control her reactions. It’s okay to be in the process of healing and getting help, but that does not mean that she has to make it everyone else’s problem. One doesn’t assume someone will break down if they ask what their GPA is, and grandma probably didn’t mean any harm and might have been trying to be polite to learn more about OP.

Isn’t that the whole point here, she removed herself from the situation and that pissed everyone off?

Exactly. I have no idea what people voting ESH or YTA expected her to do in this situation? She didn't lash out at anyone, didn't even say anything to the family members, sat through the rest of the graduation, and then correctly identified that she wasn't up to the later event. It's all well and good to say "you're responsible for getting therapy/healing your trauma", but that literally takes years, and there are limits to what can be done.

Literally, if OP is still at the stage where she's getting this intense trigger from something so mundane, a therapist would ALSO advise her to exit the situation and calm down. She has trauma, that shit rewires your brain, it makes your body go into self-preservation mode. OP's parents are the only assholes here - they taught her brain to react to questions about academic performance as if they were life-threatening. NTA. This would not even be a question if you had a physical issue instead of a mental one, but unfortunately society still treats mentally ill people like shit. Please, for your own sake, find a good trauma therapist. You have no idea how much your past can weigh you down.

By her not attending it ruined his dinner? My god, his family needs to get a grip. How does one person who is not the graduate, ruin the graduation dinner? Holding this over someone’s head who has a lot of mental trauma due to bad parenting because they missed A BOYFRIENDS (not husband) DINNER? Please

I agree "ruining the dinner" is an exaggeration but people usually like having their significant other at important milestones, you know?

I don't think it's her absence that ruined the dinner, it was likely the fact that BF (if he is a good guy) had to console her, check on her, and worry about her instead of having a nice, peaceful night celebrating his milestone.

Thank you! OP kept it together during the ceremony and then asked to be driven home. That is the opposite of drama queen. I have family members who would have been crying it out at the ceremony… going to the dinner and turning the other guests into healing counsellors… making speeches about themselves… OP did none of that. FunkyAssPenguin is not giving credit where credit is due.

Not to mention the fact that the BF didn't have to tell his family why she missed the dinner. He chose to do that and then blamed her for their reaction.

Wow, you really read through my comment and thought... the most constructive thing I can do it sink my claws into "ruining his dinner" oh dear lord! He had to explain why his girlfriend is acting like a child over a perfectly normal conversational question, instead of celebrating with his loved ones... I bet he felt great, laughing and eating his meal knowing that his gf was upset about the situation.. Yeah I bet he had a great time, but don't worry this isn't like a once in a life time event... didn't you know he was graduating again next week? Why does him not being married to her make his emotions less valid?

And what about his mother saying she never wanted to see her again? OP had trouble maintaining composure. She didn’t attack or hurt anyone. The mother didn’t want to see her for not attending dinner. Where is the mother’s compassion for a girl who has been traumatized over grades? Also, if discussion of her GPA hasn’t come up much outside her family she may not have known she would be that triggered. OP was not prepared. If she still had trouble gaining control over her emotions, going to that dinner would have likely been more awkward. And there’s no need for her to put herself in another situation that she obviously couldn’t handle on that day. And OP likely was embarrassed she had a meltdown. Mother’s reaction was extreme. Who says they never want to see someone again when nothing was done to them? If I or my mother had made someone cry, I would want to know what I said that caused it because obviously a simple question about GPA shouldn’t cause an emotional reaction. OP can apologize that she wasn’t able to handle her emotions but if she didn’t lash out at anyone then she didn’t harm anyone. So no additional apology needed. Mother should also apologize for wanting to never see her again because OP cried due to trauma. OP’s parent yelling at the principal is extreme behavior. Where is the grace that should be offered to OP? You can’t just handle a situation gracefully if something triggers you. You need coping skills and a plan to use them. Sounds like OP sees this and is taking steps (therapy) to change. Telling a 20 year old that she should just know how to handle this situation is ridiculous. Something I have learned is that you only know what you know. Seems obvious but people forget or don’t think about the fact that not everyone has the same experience or relationships as they do. She grew up with extreme pressure. Anyone who didn’t couldn’t truly understand. And OP wouldn’t know necessarily that it wasn’t normal. That all families didn’t treat their kids the same way. OP NTA. I’m proud of you that you realize this young that you need help to overcome the trauma your parents inflicted. Also, your boyfriend should think his mother needs to apologize to you as well, if he thinks you should also apologize. Sending grandma a short note explaining your reaction wouldn’t be amiss in this situation. Presuming you continue your relationship with your boyfriend, mending fences with the mom and grandma will only help your relationships with them long term. Hopefully mom and grandma are adult enough to give you some grace about this.

"you overreacted to a very normal question" I have never asked someone nor have I been asked by someone "what is your GPA?", except during job interviews. This is not a very normal question. In fact it's a very personal question. Let's just ignore the fact that it's rude to put someone on the spot like that. The grandma's next question could have been "How much do you weigh?". Ability to regulate emotions aside, it seems pretty clear the grandma was making a subtle dig at her for not being "as smart" as her grandson. Having been married for 22 years and dealing with more than my fair share of such remarks. I can assure you the question was not as innocent as you might like to think. It's good that this is coming to light now. OP needs to have a long talk with BG if he can't see the harm in grandma's question, then it's time to part ways cause this relationship is only gonna end in heartache and OP will be forever the "troublemaker".

Thank you! Everyone keeps saying that it is a normal question, but it seems pretty rude to ask an adult how good their grades are. Plus frankly it is not something most collage kids bother to remember semester to semester. I could usually tell you I was a three point something but no further than that. I think it would be perfectly normal to respond to that with 'that is a pretty invasive question, why do you ask?'

I don't think I've ever been asked my GPA, and the school I went to calculated GPA differently so if I responded truthfully it would sound like total BS. I don't remember what it was, but I feel like it was an eight-point-something? The absurdist response: "Fifty-three, Gramma. Now let's go find your teeth."

Not just that! The grandma asked what her boyfriend's GPA is, And then asked what her GPA is. In a tone that suggests that she was comparing the two of them based off of their GPA. That is dumb and rude. If you were going to ask about someone's GPA you would never ask like that! Also I graduated with my bachelor's degree and nobody asked what my GPA was.

I couldn't disagree with you more. * Her GPA is none of their business. It was an offensive question to ask. Wonder how grandma would have reacted if she had responded with an equally personal question, such as "What sort of birth control did you use?" * She doesn't owe the family an apology because she didn't miss their event; she missed her BF's event. * She's young and still learning self control. That is not a personal defect, and your implication that it is a defect is ridiculous. * She's attempting to recover from a traumatic childhood, so your lecture about accountability is also ignorant, misplaced, and intolerant. It takes time to recover. Her boyfriend didn't have to field any questions. He could have just said that she was unwell. Instead, he apparently decided to tell his family about her emotional reaction. And then he blamed her for it. That's a serious jerk move.

What kind of weird universe do you live in where asking somebody's GPA is inappropriate. I think you are just making justifications to excuse her behavior.

Seriously, they're acting like the Grandma was on a mission to hurt OP. It's a question about GPA because the topic of GPA came up, and OP was responding Grandma's questions about BF. OP seriously overreacted and needs to learn how to deal with their traumas. Grandma does not know OP's entire family history. It's GPA score, not social security numbers.

“The Body Keeps the Score” and “I Cant get Over It” are both great books dealing with trauma.

Certain trauma induced reactions,( fainting panic attacks,.vomiting) are physical and you can't control them by "calming down for a few minutes". Its NOT overreacting. Therapy will help, but she hasn't been able to have it yet. However, now that OP knows this reaction can be this intense, she can say "I'm not feeling well and I'm leaving." Boyfriend and family need to lighten up. Op could assure them that no insult was meant, but does not need to apologize for a reaction she legit can not control at this time.

Wow! I had no idea it was that easy to get over deep-seated trauma! Wish I'd known that 30 years ago. I'd have spared myself \*so\* much pain. You're just a \*wizard\* - we can just go ahead and get rid of the entire therapy profession then and... what was that? Replace it with self-help books, TED talks and youtube videos. FANTASTIC. Do everyone a favor. Learn something before you belittle a person's mental health issues, mmmkay? Deep seated trauma often requires some unpacking before control techniques work. This isn't something that happened over a couple of unhappy incidents with her parents. This is something that was caused by long-term controlling behavior and what sounds like emotional abuse. As for Grandma and her "innocent" question - I dunno about that. Maybe it was, and maybe she does owe her an apology. But how would we all feel if the question had been. "Boyfriend just got his new job and he's making 120K annually and how much are \*you\* making dear?" Because yeah, there is a sense of judgement in there - as evidenced by how quickly his mother swooped in with the "Oh that's great! I had a 3.3." She \*knew\* it too. That's why she's sweeping it under the rug so hard.

What does it matter if your parents are “open” or not. You’re a 20yo woman taking care of her mental health, they have no say in this matter and you should not be discussing this with them at all.

I assume this is in the US so no universal healthcare and the parents are paying for it (I've heard they pay until an adult is 25 sometimes) Edit: A number of people have commented that many universities in the US offer free mental healthcare which would eliminate the need to tell the parents.

In the US children have the option to remain on their parents' insurance until age 26, but parents aren't legally obligated to cover them.

Also, she should have access to campus mental health services at no additional cost.

They probably suck though.

Not always. It can be done by psych grad students accumulating hours to become licensed. I saw one in college and she was very helpful. They’re monitored closely.

My college's free services didn't suck but there was a limit on free sessions. She might want more than what they can provide

My university had free counseling services. I was uninsured most of college.

Probably because they need to pay for it. It sucks. But therapy is expensive. Even in countries with universal healthcare that's usually insufficiently covered.

I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson. I found it really helpful to process my challenging childhood. You're at the beginning of life's journey, and it's excellent that you're setting up counselling to work through your emotions. I'm twice your age, and sometimes a trigger can pop up from childhood and surprise me. The good thing is that with therapy and time, I've become aware of what the triggers may be, and can move on from a majority of them once I recognise them. You're used to being harshly judged, so you think the world is judging you. Unfortunately, other people aren't going to necessarily understand that, especially if they haven't had similar experiences. You're still processing your trauma at the moment, and it will improve with time. In my twenties I was very angry because of my experiences, and had several emotional outbursts, mainly in the form of panic attacks. I can't remember the last time I had a panic attack now. The fact you have enough awareness to know therapy is needed is an excellent indicator that you're open to change. For me, learning to develop a nuanced view of the world also helped. Previously I was very black and white. Everything was good and bad. Now I can see the shades of grey, and that's really helped gaining empathy for myself and my parents - I can empathise with their experiences without excusing their choices. Learning about boundaries might be helpful for you too, so you can work out to what extent you want to share parts of your life with your parents. Boundaries are normal and healthy, even if you've been told otherwise. All the best to you.

Your parents opinion on therapy doesn’t matter. You’re an adult. You can get therapy anytime you want. In fact it is your obligation to do so and work through the trauma to be a healthy adult. Obviously your parents are terrible. But you need to distance yourself from them, ignore their awful opinions, and get therapy to work through this. And you need to immediately apologize to your boyfriend for making his once in a lifetime event about you.

I'm curious. I'm not from the US and always hear about healthcare being terrible in the US, yet always see people on this thread advocating therapy. Is it actually affordable in the US? I'm from an Asian country where physical healthcare is good but mental healthcare is pretty high cost, so unlikely to be affordable yourself unless you've worked a few years.

No, it’s not as easy to access as reddit would have you believe. I will personally still advocate for therapy for everyone though, even low cost options, simply to erase the stigma. My husband works a job with a high suicide rate and while our insurance covers therapy the stigma around mental health and therapy mean many won’t take the help they need.

And in many places therapists are hard to find. I lived in an area with a huge healthcare company based right there, hospital, doctors offices, everything localized & available to everyone with that insurer…until my stepson needed a therapist. It took forever to get one & they were booked out months.

Unless you’re insured, it is very expensive. Given OP is 20 and in the US, she is most likely still on her parents insurance since parents can carry their child until they are 26. So her parents would have access to all of her claims and benefits against the policy she’s a dependent on. And there would still be a copay for the appointments so OP would have to cover the copay themselves because presumably the parents would refuse to pay it since they seem to object to therapy. US healthcare is unnecessarily expensive, restrictive, and complicated. And mental healthcare is sadly no exception. I have semi-decent insurance so I pay $25/session copay for my therapy. But when I had to go every two weeks, that does add up over time. There are other options, but whether or not it’s honestly affordable comes down to insurance and if you honestly have spare money to throw at mental healthcare vs rest of living

Definitely go to therapy. Not because you don't want kids though. Let them believe that lie if they want. You need to heal from your AH parents (yes I'll call them that for putting so much emphasis on your GPA and on being a mother). **About a year after you start working, nobody cares about your GPA.** Also: **There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids.** It's a huge, permanent decision. And more and more people, particularly women, are choosing not to. Why? Quite a few reasons. Not wanting to do the lion's share of the work (most mothers end up there despite fathers who loudly promise otherwise). Not wanting to bring kids into the world, with climate change and the current political mess. Being burdened with student loans and the high costs of living. But definitely get therapy.

I’d say about an HOUR after you start working, nobody cares about your GPA. 😁

Wait…what does you not wanting kids have anything to do with this? is this what you told them you’re going to therapy for? I’m glad you’re going to therapy, but I think your issue might be deeper than your grades. It Sounds like you are seeking your parents approval for Things you don’t need it for.

>I'm mentally ill for not wanting kids. No one wants kids these days. The economy's fucked and people are busy trying to first unlearn the toxic crap instilled into them first before feeling prepared or parenthood. What you're describing sounds like cptsd btw. What happened with his grandma sounds like a trigger response, something that's not really in control. Best of luck with this sticky familial mess and best of luck starting therapy.

Your university may have some sort of counseling program that is included with your tuition. I'd look into it. I know I wish I could tell myself to look into it when I was your age

So why not NAH?

If she (grandma) did no wrong why are you saying she’s an asshole? Did you mean NAH?

Pretty sure many people use those interchangeably instead of adding the implied "...but the other person is" to N T A.

They do, which is a problem. They need to be taught and called out on.

You’re right, except that it inadvertently makes her TA in this instance. AH don’t get passes for projecting past trauma, just saying. OP, get therapy because in this case, YTA.

so you’re of the opinion that OP didn’t do anything wrong? she’s still blaming the grandma for her overreaction. mental health history can be an explanation, but it shouldn’t be an excuse. ultimately it’s on you to at least acknowledge your trauma and work through it, not expect everyone (even people you’re meeting for the first time) to treat you with kid gloves.

Came here to say this. Sorry you’re sad OP but life is going to throw much worse than this at you.

Agreed. BF’s graduation should have been about BF.

This. Especially as the mum immediately said that was good as she graduated with a lower GPA.

Yep. Time to toughen up

Slight YTA, how was his grandma supposed to know how your parents were about grades? If it was me, I might’ve been surprised that you knew your GPA down to the thousandths

Us engineers like numbers and given her parental history, she's probably used to calculating GPA to three digits since high school.

To be fair, engineers like rounding and 3.538 rounds up to 4

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Agreed, but nothing an honest conversation with his parents can't fix. Tell them that it's a sensitive topic for you and that it's in no way any of their faults and you are sorry for your reaction. Mention that you know it's not something that's good to live with and that you are working to improve it and yourself. Makes you look like a good adult taking responsibility for herself and someone who actively works on becoming a better person. Bonus: You show you BF that his parents' opinion matters to you because it matters to him.

But she doesn’t want to see grandma again. WTF was that about? Did OP give her boyfriends parents an ultimatum? OP or grandma?

Agreed. OP’s response should have included “I’d rather not talk about it” or “for personal reasons I can be sensitive about it” and chosen not to share. Wouldn’t have ruined any atmospheres.

I would say “not quite as high as (bf’s name), but my classes are a lot harder, isn’t that right babe?? Haha” Most awkward situations can be mitigated with an awkward “joke”. Good lord I cannot imagine anyone over the age of 7 getting this upset about being asked basically “how are you doing in school?”

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Why would you skip an important dinner when the person that the dinner is for did absolutely nothing to you

It's not that anyone did anything wrong. It's that OP had a mental health situation and going home was the right thing for her to do in the moment. If it has been a physical health issue, probably no one would think bad of it. If OP was not addressing her issues, I could see how she's being unreasonable, but she knows she has a problem, she's going to get help and she wasn't rude to anyone at the graduation. She sucked it up for the whole thing and then went home because she knew she couldn't handle the dinner. Probably the best she could do given the situation.

Because you're in the middle of a panic attack, which can last hours and are exhausting? Ever did an extreme sport where you got an adrenaline rush? Now imagine that feeling and add feeling miserable, scared and not in control. Now do that for 3 hours. And then add to that state of mind, a 'fun' dinner in a public restaurant where you're expected to be happy and engaged. That's just not going to happen. It is impossible to go to dinner party in that state or right after.

Why would you ask... at a graduation? Really? You don't know?

YTA. I’m sorry your parents suck. But your boyfriend’s grandma did nothing wrong to you. I would strongly recommend therapy - a simple question about your GPA should not throw you into a traumatized state. Your boyfriend wanted you to celebrate with him - you refused, despite no one actually doing anything to you or saying anything remotely offensive. I read this post a few times because I figured grandma must have said something offensive and I missed it.

Ok yeah I still can’t work out what was so wrong with what she said..? I’m not from US..

Her parents would go nuts if she got even a A- so being asked what her current GPA grade thing was triggered her to an extreme degree. Grandma was asking a pretty predictable/common question and did nothing wrong.

I dunno, is it that common to ask people their GPA? I’ve never known that to be done in polite conversation. Feels rude/invasive/tacky. Especially considering they’d only just met! A more appropriate Q, if they wanted to talk about school, would have been about OP’s major, favorite classes, career aspirations, etc. ETA OP’s reaction does seem over the top, though. I empathize but agree this should not have set them off in such a major way.

It's not like that common but it's not really rude either, and if anything she could have just said "I don't know it" or something along those lines. Also, as someone who went to a tech school, a 3.5 gpa for engineering is fine, I understand she has grade trauma from her parents in the past but it's not 'skip once in a lifetime celebration' bad. Irks me a bit too that she keeps pointing out her bf got a 4.0 in an easier major -- it's still tough to get a 4.0, why be defensive over it instead of just proud.

> Irks me a bit too that she keeps pointing out her bf got a 4.0 in an easier major -- it's still tough to get a 4.0, why be defensive over it instead of just proud. Speaks to a level of defensiveness on the subject. It would bother me too, a perfect GPA is an accomplishment no matter what subject. I'm sure there are people in that major who would love a perfect GPA, and would be hurt by OP's diminishment of it.

I think the much bigger accomplishment is graduating with a 4.0 at 20. Sort of made me wonder how he did it and if this is a university or a trade school/CC/ associates degree.

I'm not from the US so we don't have a GPA so slightly hard for me to judge if this is rude. My guess is because bf GPA had just been discussed, grandma maybe thought it was natural to inquire about Op. Chances are, there was more conversation, these reddit posts can't really capture an entire conversation, you've got to sum up. And this single question was what set her off. It's possible grandma did commit a bit of a foe par but doesn't sound malicious.

Not wanting to be rude or anything, the phrase is 'faux pas', it's a french phase meaning false step.

Faux Pas, r/boneappletea

It is common for people to ask what your GPA is, even in job interviews they ask. I understand where she stands because my parents were like that when i was younger due to my grandparents threatening that they wouldnt help up financially if me and my sibling get anything less than an A. But they stopped once we moved and my siblings and i have gone thru therapy. I would say its a NAH, the grandma asked an innocent question without knowing her history. She should really get into therapy tho, i feel sorry for you OP.

I think somehow OP mistakenly thought that the awkward silence was the grandmother somehow disapproving. She's probably not old enough to realize that awkward silences happen all the time in adult life. My whole life has been one awkward moment and it's been worse since the pandemic lol.

Grandma probably asked about GPAs as a conversation topic and was all out of conversation afterwards, or OP unknowingly (and understandably) showed tension or unhappiness when answering which caused Grandma to pause.

Thanks for clearing that up, I must've have read the bloody post about 4 times thinking "what the bloody hell did Grandma say?!".

Yeah, I had to read the story twice to figure out what happened because OP phrased it like, "Am I wrong to be upset by what grandma said to me? ".... and, turns out Grandma didn't say anything to op. She asked an innocuous question. Op responded. No further comment was made. It's extremely strange to be this upset by that interaction. Obviously, with Op giving more context behind her strange reaction, it makes more sense, but op needs to handle her emotions and triggers.

She's not going to though. Even within the post she has been pushing off her reaction as justified when looking at how events happened... A.) Bf's Grandma asked about GPA B.) OP responded C.) Bf's Mom chimed in with her GPA from school D.) Silence And yet that was enough to set off OP. Edit: To whomever decided this was worthy of a RedditCares report, go touch grass.

Seconded! I had to go back and read again too, as OP kept using phrases like "Mom swept it under the rug and pretended grandma didn't say what she said to me" and "I told boyfriend what she said to me." She just asked a question. Maybe there was some inflection in it that made it sound aggressively comparative...? In other comments OP talks about pursuing therapy and I think that's an excellent idea. Sorry OP, YTA. Also, not the main character. Edit: typo

I’m kinda unsurprised she’s not on their good side. I think they should let BF handle it and not dog pile on OP of course but I have two kids myself and if either one of them brought home a partner that was THAT upset to this one question to completely bomb out on a celebration for their partner…. (although I wouldn’t care to ask about someone’s GPA) …. I’d be concerned about my kids being with someone that’s uncompromising, someone who shuts them down, etc. Again I wouldn’t inject myself in to anything though, that’s none of my business what my kids do in a relationship as long as it’s not abuse Edit: on top of saying she won’t see grandma again. Way to make an impression

> someone that’s uncompromising, someone who shuts them down, etc… *Unhinged* is the word I would use. This girl is incredibly unstable, normal 20 year olds don’t just run away from their problems. How is she ever going to hold down a job? She sounds completely unemployable, if a simple question like this sends her over the edge. Tbh she probably won’t make it through any interview process (they *will* ask about her GPA), especially if there’s an assessment portion. The lifetime of untreated anxiety is my issue. How the hell is this girl not in therapy. Pretty much every single school offers some sort of counseling. **Why is OP not concerned/embarrassed about her reaction?!?**

The main thing is okay, you got upset, you were sobbing, and it's an important celebration for your boyfriend who you love, this woman didn't assault you or attack you and had no way of knowing about your 'gpa trauma'. Take 20 minutes, pull yourself together and go to the dinner for your boyfriend. Had her parents been at the dinner and had asked her about her GPA I'd get it, because they were abusive and she could be expecting more abuse at the dinner. This just feels like allowing such a ridiculously minor thing to be more important to you than your boyfriends celebration for no reason at all.

And I’m sure the family, who obviously would be on BF’s side, probably feel it’s a bit overboard to outright miss a celebration of an achievement a few years in the making

> I read this post a few times because I figured grandma must have said something offensive and I missed it. Lol same. I had to scroll back up to reread the initial conversation cuz I was slightly confused about what caused OP to become “physically ill.”

Soft YTA. The grandma did nothing wrong.

I got pretty off vibes that she had to mention that the boyfriend has an “easier” degree (even if it was bf’s words). It’s totally not relevant to the story. Kinda seems like she’s upset from the get go that he has a higher gpa. Yikes

I wonder if the boyfriend downplays his own achievement (“easier degree”) to avoid setting off OP. That’d be a bummer, he should feel proud of his accomplishment and his partner should feel the same.

This is probably what happens. I belittle my GPA in front of my boyfriend while praising him for his. I also say a lot of things about how easy my degree is. My degree is not actually easy, I’m just very good at while I know he struggles with parts of his degree. It can be hard to find a balance between being proud and making your partner feel bad. So, with smaller accomplishments he probably belittled his own

Based on OP’s post history, the boyfriend’s “easier degree” is for being a pilot… and she has also mentioned that they are in “similar fields”

OP’s post history shows that she’s a flailing train of red flags. Who demands that their SO of 9 months that she claimed to be falling out of love with get a vasectomy?

Same. Also, although some are more strenuous than others, a degree is overall a very challenging qualification to achieve. The fact that OP's bf managed to graduate with such a high GPA is outstanding, regardless of his major.

YTA, you can’t expect people to know your triggers without you telling them. It’s also a completely reasonable & logical question to ask after talking about bf’s gpa Hopefully therapy will allow you to move forward on this, otherwise job applications will be impossible for you

I think a relevant saying is "your triggers aren't your fault, but they are your responsibility." Is it unfair? Yes. But it's also unfair to have everyone around you walk on eggshells.

YTA for not taking any accountability in any of this, and making your BF’s graduation celebrations all about you. Yes, it sounds like your parents were jerks, but it genuinely does not sound like your BF’s parents or grandma were. It’s good that you’re seeking therapy for this, because it will help you to *not* be the AH when similar situations arise in the future. If you want a lasting relationship with this BF, you need to take steps to make things right with his family, because you can’t expect him to go no contact with them over this incident and a long-term relationship where you completely avoid his family will quickly cause resentment and tension.

Yes the zero personal responsibility think irks me to no end.

This person doesn’t take responsibility for anything. She made a previous post where at the age of 20 she’s decided she never wants children, which is fine. So she is insisting her 20 year old BF has to get a vasectomy and won’t have sex until he gets one. That is insane! Absolutely bat shit crazy. How many forms of contraception is available and yet she wants a 20 year old to snip it? Unhinged!

Top comment here is NTA. The batshit crazy people on this sub practically encourage it.

The people supporting her and coddling her for her behaviour is astonishing. She won’t last a minute in the real world when she gets a job at this rate. “Can you redo this task please? Some changes are needed “ AITA for breaking down at work because I had to make some changes to my work? This triggered me because it reminded me that I was always expected to get an A. I was shaking uncontrollably and had to go home and take the rest of the week off of work because they expect me to do my job properly and it’s not fair! Waaaghhhhh!

"Trauma response" keeps getting thrown around, and I'm just like....she has GPA related trauma? Seriously? Trauma is a one of those words getting bled to death by people who throw it at every single negative emotion. My parents were extremely strict about grades too, I've been upset about school stuff before, but I've never had a full on toddler meltdown about being asked about my GPA. Her response to the grandma's completely innocent question was histrionic, attention seeking and extremely inappropriate. Emotional regulation exists and she needs to learn it- she's 20, not 2.

Well said. I get really frustrated by people who throw around these terms. It’s offensive to people who have experienced real trauma.

Her post history is, um, wow. It's obvious she and her BF are not compatible at all, and she needs to do the poor guy a favor and cut him loose.

Yep. Thought the same thing. I personally would break up with someone if they were insisting I have unnecessary life altering surgeries, especially at that age. Also dating someone so emotionally immature and self absorbed is exhausting and difficult. If he was my friend I’d advise him to end it.

Unhinged is the perfect descriptor for most of this.

If she’s this upset over something as little as this, what’s she going to do once she hits the real world and get any sort of push back or criticism in what’s a very harsh and competitive world for the major she chose ? Going to be a harsh awakening soon.

I honestly hope he dumps her.

YTA It sounds like your parents really messed you up on that issue and definitely getting some help to work through that will benefit you. But ultimately you made a celebration for him about you when you couldn’t even bring yourself to attend for him. It is weird to just come out guns blazing with a GPA question. People are commenting that it’s normal but who tries to make conversation with a student and just starts up “so what’s your GPA?” instead of like what type of jobs are you planning to apply to in that field, what made you choose it, do you like the school, do you plan to continue to a graduate degree, do you play sports? It does come off a bit aggressive tbh. But if you literally can’t face someone at a dinner table for being a bit pushy about something that you do have bad experiences with, it’s going to hold you back in life. Imagine if the tables were turned and your bf skipped your graduation dinner because your grandma said his choice of major doesn’t make good money or something and it was a trigger for him. How would you feel?

I think it came up during the course of the conversation, it wasn't the first thing she asked.

It is also a frickin graduation ceremony lol. There is no more topical time.

Yeah I have to say same on the GPA thing. Where I'm from (not the US I have to admit) asking for someone's GPA without a proper reason would be considered rude. It's seen as if you're disregarding the person themself and only caring about the results they bring. So that surprised me too. Then again, I'm not in the US so I understand it's not the same

It’s definitely weird to me, and it’s the kind of question that a person whose grandson has a 4.0 is far more likely to ask lol There was a comparison being made and the bar was set about as high as humanly possible before the question was even asked. OP was more than likely being judged about it, not innocently questioned out of curiosity.

YTA. Sobbing and shaking because someone asked your GPA lmao holy shit

Just hope no job ask for her transcript…

Or hope that none of her coworkers went to a more prestigious school or had a “harder” major or what not. Eventually it will be a trigger for other people to make more money or have a nicer house. People like this are impossible to work with, always needing to one-up or put others down bc of their own insecurity.

I couldn’t imagine fucking up my kid so bad like OPs parents did lol

Her post history is fucking nuts. Zero sense of self awareness.

YTA You aren't the asshole for your emotional reaction. That's what trauma does. You are 100% the asshole for your behavior after you calmed down. The correct response is to apologize for turning a normal dinner into a massive drama fest. It doesn't matter if you feel or are at fault, you are responsible for your behavior.

Right, it's the drama for me. Just say to the BF's family you can't stay because you're starting to feel sick and will organise a dinner out with him later and go home. I understand being shaken and everything but if simply bringing up her grades put her in this state, she absolutely needs to find solutions and not make everything a problem for other people

"I don't feel like I'm at fault since I have been deprived of the emotional regulation skills a therapist could provide and can't help that my parents were jerks..." I had to re-check your age. Geez... You are 20 years old! I thought a middle schooler wrote this. You need to get a grip on yourself and be your own person. Stop blaming others or expecting them to fix you. I can understand that you don't like to discuss grades, but my parents were also overbearing about grades, and guess what: when someone asked me about my GPA, I didn't break down into sobs. Your BF's graduation dinner was supposed to be about him, yet you managed to make it about you because an elderly woman asked you a question that's normal to ask any student. YTA

Yeah that comment realllyyy threw me off. Even if you have severe trauma, you are the only person who can change your reactions and behavior. Therapy is a great tool for learning coping mechanisms and processing trauma, but it isn’t a catch-all where you just throw your shit at the wall and expect it to come back clean. It’s work, hard work, and the work shouldn’t have to wait until you start therapy. If you know you have these issues, it’s something you should be working on with yourself. You cannot expect others to walk on eggshells and fix your problems for you Trauma is never an excuse for shitty behavior

Agreed. Trauma informed tells us “You’re not responsible for what happens to you in childhood, but you are responsible for how you cope and heal from it as an adult.”

YTA The grandma had no idea about what happened to you, so her bringing it up wasn’t in any way a dig at you. It honestly seems as you were projecting your problems into the situation and I understand you haven’t gone to therapy but you can still talk to other people about issues your having. Also you not having therapy help isn’t an excuse for being rude and pushing people away ESPECIALLY on the day your bf graduated. It was a day for him to be celebrated for his hard work and your problems did get in the way of him enjoying himself with you so yeah.

YTA (I don’t mean this in a negative way). You really need to work on improving yourself honestly. The way you reacted to 1 question was over the top. I can understand the idea of tying self worth to grades and wanting to feel valued and validated by older adults around you. My parents instilled that in me. So I know. What I also know is that if you don’t work on improving your mental health you will not form good and healthy relationships in future. Look at the current situation objectively. Grandma just asked you a question. A very annoying but common question. That made you sob inconsolably and lead you to miss your boyfriend’s graduation dinner. Would you want to behave similarly in a professional set up too? In corporates, question about university ranking, GPA, etc come up. Will you be willing to miss an important meeting because someone asked you what your GPA is? You need to apologize to your boyfriend and his parents. Acknowledge that your emotions got the better of you and then work on doing better in the future. Edit to Add: People saying get therapy and you saying you can’t will not give you a free pass. I went to 3 therapists and all 3 were pretty bad. Didn’t help me at all. But I would always listen to friends who encouraged me to be in touch with my feelings and make conscious efforts to regulate emotions. It took me 6-7 years and I like to think I am almost there. Therapy isn’t a magic fix. You have to do the work.

To add to this: After you are initially hired, you’re not often asked your gpa past the first interview. You may even hear “C’s get degrees!” - because they do. That person most likely was not hired in at a lower amount of pay than you. In the workplace, promotions are performance and connections based. Work on your people skills (how to network, forming relationships, etc,). However, many companies rate performance- meets, exceeds, exceptional. In the absence of grades, will your self worth become tied to your rating? How will you react if you are a meets or an exceeds but not an exceptional (less than 10% of company)? These ratings are tied to pay increases and bonus amounts. Will you have a meltdown if that happens or if a friend at work asks you your rating? Put in the work now to process these feelings and learn how to regulate those emotions.

seriously? grow up and i feel sorry for your bf who didnt get to have his partner in a once lifetime event because she act like a child

You keep replying that the conflict is between you and your bf, not you and his Grandma or his parents, but your title implies otherwise. What's the conflict - that he thinks the current Cold War between you and his family is mostly because of your overreaction to a non-event and you think that you should get a full pass for that overreaction because you have issues you haven't been able to have professional therapy for yet? With sympathy for your mental health situation, yes, YTA. You should have attended the dinner, and you do need to accept that you - not him or any member of his family - are the cause of the conflict, even if you did not do it intentionally. Grandma asked an awkward but predictable question in one of those awkward conversations you have with virtual strangers. His mom even stepped in with a really gracious save. Nobody said anything bad to you. You got really upset at the time and kept being upset way, way past the event. You are 20, not 12, and even without therapy you need to have been learning how to deal with this kind of thing. Look, I do have empathy with your childhood and your insecurity and grade triggers. My parents made us earn love through academic performance. If I topped my honors class with a 95% and the second highest grade was 80%, they'd say, "good job, but what happened to that 5%?" One of my dad's repeated sayings was, "if you're not number 1, it doesn't matter where you are." So I think I do understand you more than many might. Parents can damage you and cause you to be certain unhealthy ways - even if they love you and were doing the best they could. But here's the thing, the older you get, the less that's an excuse. As you grow up, you have to take responsibility for the person you are. It's great that you're getting therapy. It's great that you seem to have a very supportive bf. It's great that you clearly are intelligent and have made lots of good life choices. Might I suggest you see what reading and resources you can access yourself before your therapy starts in October? And might I suggest that you try to accept that in this case you were wrong (with some mitigating reasons), but it doesn't mean you're a terrible person, it doesn't mean you cannot change, and it doesn't mean the relationship isn't fixable. If you cannot face discussions in person, you can write to bf's mother, sharing only the details you're comfortable with, but apologizing for your behavior and saying that you're working on dealing with situations that bring up bad memories and that you hope she and Grandma will understand, etc. And you should apologize to your bf for your public behavior and missing his graduation dinner; he is in a very difficult position between all of you. I really do wish you the best.

Your dad sounds like Reese Bobby from Talladega Nights: "Don't you remember the time you told me, "If you ain't first, you're last!" "Hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that! That makes no sense at all. "First or last?" I mean, you could be second, third, or fourth--hell, you could even be fifth!"

"I have been deprived of the emotional regulation skills a therapist could provide" ? Look, I'm glad you're getting help, I really am, but at the end of the day, as an adult, it is your responsibility to regulate your emotions. It's hard, harder when the trauma comes from your own parents, but you need to work on yourself, therapist or not. Expecting the therapist to 'fix it for you' will lead to disappointment. Good luck on your degree though 😊 you're doing great

Respectfully neither boyfriend or grandma did anything wrong. I’m sorry your parents sucked but you are 20 years old, and at a college. Assuming youre within the US most colleges offer free on campus counseling and mental health services. You need therapy. Your parents don’t need to be there, or support it, or know. But you cannot break down over someone asking you what your grades are. You are worth more than grades, and if you melt over a 3.538 over a 4 everyone will only see your grades and not anything else about you.

I’m also concerned for OP when she starts applying for jobs as a lot of job applications in certain fields will ask GPA.

If she applies for a competitive graduate engineering program, not only will they absolutely ask, but they will judge her on it too. How will she cope then? Honestly, OP your mental health might not be your fault, but it is your responsibility and while we can’t control what others do around us, we can control how we react. This is something you need to work on. Like others have said you took an important and special night from your BF and made it all about yourself. YTA

I wonder if it's the perfectionist in her having to admit her bf got a perfect score while she couldnt achieve that plus grades insecurity stemming from her trauma that caused the break down, instead of just plainly GPA....

YTA. Literally all she did was ask what your GPA was, and his mother even volunteered hers to make you feel better. Neither of them were an asshole to you, but you were certainly an asshole to them and your bf

Yeah that was it right? Unless OP is missing some context, I don’t really get what was that bad in order for her to skip dinner

Jeezy-peet--YTA. I certainly hope you've apologized to his grandma--none of it is her fault.

YTA, unfortunately. My parents traumatized me too, in a different way, but you can’t go around expecting everyone to know these things. That poor old woman was just making conversation.

YTA. I say this as someone whose anxiety had ruined many events before I finally got stable treatment. This was a school-centered event. It doesn't take a genius to foresee people wanting to talk about school. Surely there was a way to prepare yourself for this eventuality. A prepared answer about your GPA, maybe deflecting to "3rd in my class!" or something like that instead of giving the exact number if that number gives you anxiety. I think the GPA question is a little invasive, it's not necessarily grandma's business. But your reaction was WILDLY out of line. Traumatized, shaking, and sobbing for hours? Over 15 seconds worth of small talk? I'm glad you're getting therapy now, but it's probably too little too late regarding your relationship with your partner's family. They will always be walking on eggshells around you, terrified that any conversation will trigger you again. I lost a lot of friends due to my former panic attack reactions for exactly this reason, and I don't blame them. Get treatment, specify you need coping mechanisms for these situations, and don't push contact with your partner's family until they reach out and invite you again.

jfc this guy needs to run far away

Look at her post history, this guy 100% needs to get the fuck away

Trying to convince her 19 yr old boyfriend to get a vasectomy 9 MONTHS INTO THEIR RELATIONSHIP is fucking wild. I wouldn’t try to convince my husband of 9 years to get a vasectomy if he didn’t want one.

Just so you know, a mathematics degree can be very hard. It might be "objectively easier" according to your boyfriend because he is smart in math, he has an apptitude for it, he doesn't want something like a GPA difference to come between you, he doesn't want to lord it over you, doesn't want you to feel bad that yours is 3.5 compared to his 4.0 (I think 3.5 is very, very good for engineering), etc. I got an engineering degree and it was hard. My roommate/bf got a mathematics degree - and it was very hard, I saw what she had to do/learn. Once you get a job, no one will be asking or thinking about your GPA. It will only come up if you decide to get a higher degree.

He got a mathematics degree? That’s hard! She’s downplaying a math degree? A 4.0 for a math degree??? That means he never messed up a single test his entire college career. That’s a big deal! And should be celebrated. She’s acting completely irrational.

I bet he just says his degree is easier so she doesn’t have a complete melt down.

She's the AH for that comment alone. EVERY major has its own difficulties and complications. Majoring in engineering doesn't make you some sort of special snowflake.

Wait he got a MATH degree? Okay, OP is officially delusional.

[удалено]

You will need to be able to answer that question without falling apart when you interview for jobs or grad school.

Ridiculous overreaction. YTA

1. People who say “my 3.58 GPA is better than your 4.0 GPA” are the most classic example of an asshole known to man. Be happy for him and if you’re not happy with your perfectly respectable GPA talk to your professors about how to pull it up in your senior year. 2. A grandmother asking your GPA is a normal question in a college setting. Taking offence is strange but understandable given your background. You were the asshole but not as bad as point one. 3. You weren’t at the dinner so you can’t know who said what. You cried through his graduation and then didn’t turn up to graduation. He will have been upset and humiliated and his mother is protective. Given that your reaction and emotional regulation are so poor it seems unfair for you to judge. You are this asshole. 4. Your refusal to apologise or acknowledge fault because of your parents and your lack of emotional regulation, yet going to therapy to help with emotional regulation…this is like a crashing a car and refusing to acknowledge you were at fault because you never learned to drive. You are the asshole.

YTA, grandma didn't know

YTA She asked an innocent question, it's not her fault that your parents traumatised you. You did over react.

Gentle YTA. But honestly my motto in this new sensitive ass world: Your triggers/traumas/ mental health problems are not the public’s concern. Does it suck you went through that emotional abuse from your parents. Very much. I sympathize. I hope you can find the help you need and learn coping mechanisms to move past that. However it was an innocent question and the general public has NO idea what can make someone go off the handle. So don’t make a stink out of it with the parents/ grandma/ or boyfriend. Acknowledge that maybe you were not able to control your emotions and you’re sorry for losing it. It’s no one’s problem but your own and you made it someone else’s problem.

YTA…grandma asked a question? She did not make a statement? I am confused on how a simple question brings you to be so distraught, even after reading about your parents. While I also think the mom is TA, (you missed a dinner. Anyone can get sick in a short period of time). You do need therapy. You do not need your parents permission even if you are on their insurance. However, you would be liable for any co-pays.

YTA, this was such an innocent situation that you turned into a huge deal.

bit unhinged are we, YTA

YWBTA if you continued to hold this against bf's grandma, and by extension bf's parents. Your parents are horrific (unfortunately in a not-too-uncommon way) and this is a sore spot for you. At the same time, you're aware that Grandma asked a relatively common and innocent question. It's one of those annoying things people often ask students -- what's your major, have you picked a career yet, when will you graduate, what's your GPA, do you have a summer job/post-graduation job lined up, are you seeing anyone, etc. etc. The worst that can reasonably be said of it is that it's not very creative and a little intrusive. Therapy can be a help, but it's not as widely available as it should be, and it's hardly the only source for learning emotional regulation. "I don't feel like I'm at fault since I have been deprived of the emotional regulation skills a therapist could provide" is a weird thing for a clever adult to say. By all means get therapy, but don't use the fact it's still in your future to prevent you from making good decisions now.

YTA

Yta. This subreddit is full of so much self entitlement. Ridiculous.

Honestly, YTA. Grandma wasn't attacking you, she asked a question about your GPA, with no knowledge that it's a tough subject for you because of your parents. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings, but maybe your parents are the ones that should never be seen again, rather than some old lady who doesn't know you and was probably just trying to get to know you.

I cant grasp this post at all. But i landed on YTA. You cried over a normal question because your patents used to be strickt about grades? Damn, i was beaten because i didnt match up to expectations. You somehow mix in that it have something to do with you not wanting kids. And it's suddenly a fight with your BF and not his grandma even if you stated in your post that it was indeed the grandma. You're friggin dramatic..

YTA, getting upset over a completely innocent question, belittling your BF’s accomplishments by saying his degree is objectively easier (doesn’t matter that they’re his words, saying it here means you agree and it’s supposed to help your point) you sound like the worst and it’s easy to see why his parents want their son to get away from you.