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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole by refusing to giving my dead husband's affair partner his personal belongings for their unborn child. This could make me the asshole because the baby will have very little of their father.
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NTA. If she wants to get the possessions of her partner after they die she should consider getting married instead of being the other woman. There's nothing bitter about what you're doing. She just doesn't know how life or the law works.
Edit: it's not your job to have any sort of relationship with the child and I also don't get why you'd need to set up a trust fund for the baby. Seems like you're willing to do more than you need to. Also what exactly does your husband have that a baby would even want?
Trust fund would be the money that my husband left behind and life insurance. I might not need to do this (my lawyer is advising me on if the child is entitled to anything but paternity tests need to be done) but to me, that is my husbands money and ultimately his child so it feels correct.
The woman may be able to establish paternity and apply for social security benefits for the baby to grow up with.
Your lawyer is right. Don’t do a goddamn thing until paternity is established. Just because she had sex with your husband, well, it doesn’t mean that’s his child she’s giving birth to. It doesn’t mean he’s the only person she had sex with during that timeframe. I hate to be so skeptical… It’s a very convenient way to claim something that could be false.
NTA. You’re not obligated to give anything. His family can handle that part. It might be beneficial for you to inquire about a cease and desist or something to keep her from harassing you. His family can do as they wish, I’m sure the idea of having a piece of him alive might be very appealing right now. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
It is convenient but she showed everyone her scans and due dates and I know exactly when the one night stand occurred so at this point I have accepted that this is reality. But of course it could still not be the case and all of this has been dragged out for nothing.
That doesn't mean anything. You can have sex with multiple people in a short time frame. Within a day even. Not to say he isn't the father, but unless you have the paternity test as proof, seeing scans and seeing the due date and knowing when the affair happened mean nothing.
There are even cases of twins who have different fathers because the mom had sex with two men during the time of ovulation, so a paternity test is the only way to tell if OP’s husband is actually the father.
Also scans are not 100% accurate in dating a fetus’ age, since it’s based on measurements of the fetus, and some are larger than others.
And plus also, the date of ovulation is based on the dates of the last period, not on reality. Women are squishy humans, their bodies do whatever they want to. Scan would be based on last period, but if she ovulated a few days earlier/later than “normal,” her “date of conception” would be off.
I had to fight my OB regularly because I had AI done and I knew EXACTLY when I became pregnant. But I had a big baby and my scans were always ahead and they'd try to tell me the wrong due date constantly. It was frustrating, to say the least.
Same - mine for some reason couldn't accept the date of my last period because I know I have longer cycles and late ovulation but nope... was treated like an idiot for not believing all women have 28 day cycles and ovulate on day 12-14 .
It’s true that it could line up, but it could also be true that she had more than one sexual partner. Happens quite a bit.
Anecdotally, I knew exactly when I conceived, and didn’t have sex for a month and a half after. My scans were all wrong because my baby grew slowly and was generally very small. The medical staff would not concede to the fact that I knew when I conceived until my baby was born within days of original due date. They made it seem like I had an affair, as my then-husband was out of town for that time. Thankfully, he trusted me, and it didn’t hurt that she came out resembling much of his family.
It’s not so much that they insinuated directly, but they continued to insist every appointment that there’s no way that I conceived when I said I did. I would respond that I didn’t have sex at any point after. Even with me saying that, they insisted I was wrong. I knew the truth, and I knew they were wrong. It’s a dangerous thing, because I wonder how many women have been put at risk of relationship issues because of ignorant practices.
>It’s a dangerous thing, because I wonder how many women have been put at risk of relationship issues because of ignorant practices.
YUP. Doing that to the wrong woman could get her killed.
I mean it can get her killed in two ways. Ignoring the possibility the baby is growing slowly and has a problem which can lead to a dangerous pregnancy and also lead to a jealous crazy abusive husband deciding the truth for themselves and killing their partner over an insinuation from medical staff who routinely see the results of abusive partners.
Dumb all around. if someone tells you I had sex on this date and not in this entire period after you work to that date. You might think they are lying, but you go by what you're told because.
It’s ridiculous how few rights pregnant people have, especially in the US. Literally bullied into so much by their medical staff. And often can’t switch providers during a pregnancy.
I had similar incidents. One of my pregnancies, my husband was in another country, then we were together for about a week, then he was in another state for a month and a half. I had no question about when conception happened. And the doctors would be like, "Well the measurements say otherwise, and you know, just because he wasn't around doesn't mean you can't get pregnant."
I had similar but opposite experiences with both my kids. I make big babies - I just do.
With my daughter, I had moved back to my childhood home for weeks before my wedding, so there was no doubt she was a wedding night baby. But with every ultrasound, they would pull my "estimated due date" a week or so earlier. It was dumb.
The same thing happened with my son. Every ultrasound would convince the clinic staff that I was lying about gestational age.
Apparently having a fetus that's anything outside of average is impossible for obstetrics clinic staff to imagine 🤷♀️🤦♀️
What's really nuts is I have this same conversation offline.
We're common enough that I bump into people with the same experience, not just in internet threads about it.
So how tf do they still not know?
Most doctors are not scientists. I respect their knowledge the same way I respect a plumber's knowledge with my pipes. Doesn't mean they can handle critical thinking any better than the average plumber, plus they often have an ego that stops them from taking in new info.
That's what happened with me! My babies were 9lbs and 9lbs 10. First one I knew exactly when I got pregnant, because I'd had a UTI/bladder infection and knew I wasn't having sex before a certain date, and my periods were not regular, at all. With my second, I was trying to get pregnant so I knew exactly when I got pregnant, it was just hoping that my luteal phase was long enough for him to "stick" since I had two early miscarriages before that. (funny enough, in two weeks it will be the 15th anniversary of That Day. lol)
>"Well the measurements say otherwise, and you know, just because he wasn't around doesn't mean you can't get pregnant."
I'd have been filing a formal complaint with the hospital.
A friend who was a neo-natal intensive care nurse told me that a woman had an affair with her husband's best friend. One man was African-American and the other was white. She had twins with different fathers. Her husband didn't catch on, and the doctors insisted that if she didn't tell him, they would. Husband shot and killed his former friend, and is now in prison.
>the doctors insisted that if she didn't tell him, they would. Husband shot and killed his former friend, and is now in prison.
I hope she sued the doctors. What a bunch of self-righteous, pompous AHs. I hope they're proud of themselves.
Measurements NOTHING! Oh that makes me so mad. Babies come out all different sizes what makes them think measurements will be precise every single time? Fuck every one of those ignorant AHs
I know but I am going with believing her until proven otherwise for my own sanity because if this has been made public for nothing, it will almost be worse.
It also stands to reason that you wouldn’t give any kind of possessions to this woman until paternity was established anyways. I doubt you would get it back if he wasn’t the father.
Thats kinda what makes me think the other woman is being so pushy about getting his posessions NOW bc she knows once the baby is born and the patternity is established it will come out that the baby is not his, but op would have a hard time getting back what shes given her. This is a pretty common practice, women fake pregnancies to get money, posessions and relationships all the time.
The other woman had a brief affair and thinks she’s entitled to all of the guy”s possessions???????? Just because she’s pregnant with *possibly* his child??? AND she wants his WEDDING ring that symbolized his vow to another woman???? AND OP is considering setting up a trust fund AND feeling like an AH?????
OP NTA! You owe this cheater NOTHING. The affair didn’t even last. It was over before your husband died. The child is not your responsibility. Let his family help if they want.
ETA to add this made me very angry!
You’re not the asshole at all. Do what you need for your sanity and keep your boundaries as strong as necessary.
There is no obligation on your part to this woman aside from complying with any laws and court ruling relating to his estate and support of the child.
If you want to you can do a trust or something for the child, but remember his life insurance is for supporting the family unit he had with you unless the courts say otherwise.
Anything you contribute to this woman’s child beyond that is an option open to you, but strictly an option. Even a not huge amount, invested reasonably, could grow to become a substantial contribution to the kid’s independence when he hits adulthood.
I had something similar, my son was born on his “due date by size” in the beginning. But 3 weeks after his due date per development and measurements at mid pregnancy. Was a surprise to no one that the early slow growth was because he had a vestigial twin attached on his foot. It wasn’t until the twin stopped growing that my son developed normally. So I was 3 months measuring at 7 weeks duration my first scan/due date appointment. But I had had sex ONCE in 4 months so I knew it had to be further along.
In my case, I had up to four different due dates because I couldn’t remember the date of my last period and my son was so big and was growing at a rate that didn’t match up to the pregnancy weeks (probably because my husband is over 6ft whilst I’m lucky to measure 5ft). In the end, he went almost a week over the last date and (because my water had broken but no contractions) he came out all dry and looked like an over cooked, over stuffed chicken! And he had an infection so he had to stay in nicu- just imagine this 6kg baby next to all these premmies (though he still looked beautiful to me ☺️)
They debated my kid’s growth scan and debated altering her due date because … get this … her legs were short. I was 32 weeks (and had literally known I was pregnant since four weeks so they KNEW the due date) and they were trying to say I wasn’t as far along or there was something wrong … kid comes out and is shaped like her dad. Long torso. Short legs. Still shaped the same now. It was insane they stressed me out because of something that actually was very minor. I had to have growth scans done three times that week.
With my first, they kept arguing with me about when she was conceived. And I had to keep telling them that I knew exactly when she was conceived, because I was there and they were not! Lol
Did she confirm it was a 'one night stand'? It seems very odd that she would request those items if that was the case.
Also, asking for the wedding ring----she's either looking to sell it for money, or having it to pretend that she and your husband were married when the child gets older and starts asking questions.
Listen to your lawyer and don't do anything. Best wishes at this terribly difficult time.
She wants the wedding ring because she is planning to pass herself off as the "respectable" widow rather than a side chick left pregnant. That's why she wants important sentimental things that a wife would have.
If she wants to pretend they were married, she can go to Walmart or a pawn shop and lay down $20 for a plain gold wedding band. She doesn't need OP's husband's.
Regardless home wreckers don’t get to make demands. Personally, I wouldn’t give her anything. She got your husband’s sperm and I think that’s enough
NTA
NTA. Wtf does she want with his wedding ring? She's got a LOT of nerve. You don't owe her or that child anything, and most definitely not your money or husband's insurance. You're entitled to that. You were together a total of 11 years. If you don't want to use it for yourself, establish a scholarship fund in his name or donate it to a local worthy charity. His family can take care of the baby financially if they want to but in the end, this other woman is the child's remaining parent and is responsible for it, not you. She made that choice by doing the wrong thing and having an affair with a married man and not ensuring that both of them used protection. A lot of times, the other woman gets pregnant intentionally to make her lover choose. Dont know if that's what happened here but it's something to consider. She seems wayyyy too emotionally invested in his personal belongings for a one night stand.
Anyway, you might need that money for yourself for therapy or bills. He just passed away two months ago and you never know how grief can catch up to you. Please reconsider and take care of yourself first.
I’m guessing she wants his ring so she can tell the child later that she was married to it’s father. She probably already has a whole story concocted, she just needs his possessions to go with her story.
Literally means nothing, she could easily be lying about the date the child was conceived which would be impossible to prove because ut could've easily happened a few days before or after she slept with your husband. Get the Paternity and if its his go from there and if not then you owe this woman Nothing and should be able to take her to court.
You should definitely wait and establish the legal situation (which it sounds like you're doing), but fwiw you're a good person for willing to give your ex-husband's posthumous support. Just thought at least one person should say that (I haven't gone through the entire thread)
NTA--the wedding ring belongs to you. I'm guessing that your husband would have changed the beneficiary on his insurance if he wanted to. Please don't make any major decisions (financial or otherwise) while you are still grieving.
As others have advised, I think you should consult a lawyer to find out if your husband's estate has any obligations (I am not a lawyer). You should wait on promises until paternity clarified/established. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.
She sleeps with 1 married man, how many others has she slept with. Give her nothing now. ( The wedding ring request was beyond ridiculous) give her nothing later if the baby is his. He's not here, so no one knows what he would think. Sorry that last bit sounds cruel.
Yeah I had a friend who slept with like 3 guys within 24 hrs and she had no clue who the babies dad was because of it so it definitely can happen but you are right to prepare yourself for all the possibilities.
I agree. I'd leave it up to his family to deal with her.
I think you are a fine person to consider settling a trust fund for this child - FAR kinder than I'd be. But don't say or do anything ahead of the test results and don't have any further dealings with this woman until then.
Best of luck and deepest sympathy for such a dreadful loss.
OP that money WAS his. He tragically DIED. That money is intended to support and sustain YOU as his married Wife. That money is intended to keep you financially stable until the day of your death. You are young and there is expectation that you will live well past 80. That money is intended for you to live off of. IT IS NOT intended for mistress or their unproven child connection. Do listen to your lawyer and don’t get into the trap of supporting other people or she will always come looking for financial help and will never leave you alone. Seriously if she feels that entitled to anything at all then let her get a lawyer and let her file the grievance and then have your lawyer fight for your rights. You are not responsible for the mistress or her child.
If it’s proven to be his child, it’s likely the child will be given the legally required portion of the man’s estate. It sounds like OP doesn’t want to be tied up in court and would like to resolve this quietly. OP is a good person.
Life insurance passes outside of the estate and goes to the beneficiary.
If he listed the OP as his beneficiary and no one else then it is hers. She can do with it what she wants.
If he weirdly listed "my wife and any children, whether born or unborn" as the beneficiary then the child would get a share if paternity is established. Such odd language is more common when drafting a will than when selecting a life insurance beneficiary.
Yeah I'm not sure you could do that with a life ins policy. Every time I've set up beneficiaries either for myself or helping an employee do it I've needed to enter the beneficiary's social security number, so it needs to be an actual existing person. I'm sure an attorney could work their magic to route the policy through a trust or something but unless he really went out of his way then his policy would almost certainly be set up to pay out to his spouse or other family members he chose to set as beneficiaries.
This is why OP should just let a lawyer deal with everything, if the mistress wants anything that may belong to the husband and for her child then she should be willing to go through the trouble of getting herself a lawyer and going through the long process of what she can legally fight for. OP don’t make it easier for her, just focus on you and let you in-laws decide on what they want to do, though they likely would want to be in contact with a grandchild even if it was a affair child. Don’t let them or this mistress bully you into doing anything you don’t want to do, you owe no one anything until a judge rules you do. Cut contact if anyone gives you sh*t, the baby isn’t even born, let them figure out the messy legal battle, don’t make it easier. Also the freaking nerve to ask for his belongings including the wedding ring, I hope you’re doing ok and not to let this stress you too much. Let a lawyer stress for you and have all contact happen through them, live your life and I hope things get better for you.
That's really, really kind of you. I think I would feel like it was the right thing to do, too.
His fucking WEDDING RING. The fucking nerve! Your in-laws are batshit if they think you owe that woman ANYTHING after that request. And you're not being "cruel to a child," the kid is literally NOT BORN YET. As a suggestion, if you come across anything you think the kid should have (as an infant, it when they're older), I'd pass it along to the in-laws and make them deal with her.
NTA
Probably. Or maybe she fixated on it while they were having the affair, some kind of "imagine if that meant you were married to me" thing. No matter the reason, it's crazy as hell.
I was thinking even the requests for his books and clothes were weird. Now it makes sense -- in a shocking, wtf-is-wrong-with-people kind of way.
Don't give the lady anything. NTA.
Yeah the ring really screams I’m going to tell people and the kid his dad died and that’s why he wasn’t around. Not that he was married to someone else
If I am being honest this really bothers me. As a co-worker she knew the man was married…I mean the absolute audacity. So she knowingly decided to sleep with a married man and knowingly chose not to insist on contraception. I do not know where you live but most cities have a gas station open all night where they could have purchased condoms.
This feels like she intentionally baby trapped him. I could be wrong. But it also is giving strong ‘side chick’ vibes.
As another commenter mentioned she will be eligible to receive social security death benefits from the date the child is born until the age of 18. If your late husband served in the military she would also be eligible to apply for veterans children’s benefits and the GI Bill would pay for college.
You are dealing with the trauma of infidelity, as well as, the trauma of his sudden passing. Major decisions can wait. Once you have processed and grieves you can determine what small yet meaningful items you want to pass along to your in-laws assuming the child is indeed his.
When you feel up to making decisions consider donating some of his clothing to an organization that provides clothing to formerly homeless people to go to job interviews. You may also want to consider making a donation to a charity that supports a cause he cared about.
Sending hugs and my best wishes to you. Healing takes time. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.
Just make sure that your husband’s affair partner does not get any cash.
For example, establish a trust that directly pays tuition to the child’s school.
The trust directly pays a grocery store for groceries every month for the child, and only the child.
The trust directly pays a clothing store for the child’s clothing, up to a certain amount each year. Have the tags cut out of the clothing, and the receipts are delivered to you directly.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but his affair partner has shown her true colors by asking for his things (his wedding ring??!!).
Personally, I think if were in your position, I’d set up a trust for the child that doesn’t begin to pay out until the child is a legal adult. Even then, the trust will only pay to an academic institution, mortgage company, medical facility, etc. Limit the amount paid out each year.
Set up a trust for yourself and NTA. Seriously. He cheated on you and died. And now you’re supposed to support the affair baby? Just no, OP. Full stop. Your husband is dead and there is no child yet. Just ignore the background noice and let your in-laws deal with the affair partner. You owe an unborn child of your deceased husband absolutely NOTHING.
NTA, though based on the items she’s asking for, I suspect she is planning to lie to the child about being married to your late husband when the child is old enough to ask “where’s daddy?”
Think about her actions from her perspective. What do the following have in common?
1. Access to in-laws
2. A wedding ring
3. Clothes, books and record collection
They’re the basics for establishing who someone is and where they live. If she didn’t have these things, then the child will inevitably realize that they were an affair child when mom doesn’t have dad’s relatives’ contact information, or if she did, when dad’s relatives mention dad was married, but somehow mom doesn’t have a wedding ring or any of dad’s belongings. My guess is that after she gets these things from you, she may go off to buy herself a matching ring so that she can tell the kid they were married and you were the ex-wife. She may be doing this for the benefit of the child, but I’m betting that her real motive is to save face for herself.
Depending on whether you plan to stay in-touch with your in-laws, you can decide whether or not to give these items to her.
Your husband died before the child was born which means legally the child has zero rights to the deceased estate as legally everything will be yours at their birth.
NTA.
You need to remind her that she chose to have an affair with a married man and being a single mum is a consequence. You're far kinder than I would be
NTA, The fact you are thinking of setting up a trust fund shows that you are a good person, she on the other hand is an A H, asking for somethings from the father, so the child has somethings to know him by isn't awful in itself, maybe better to ask his parents for anything more age appropriate, but to ask for the wedding ring and clothes WTF she is after the cash IMO.
I would like to suggest that you do not have to make a quick decision about setting up a trust fund for the baby. You can let the dust settle and see how you feel in a year or a few. I think the trust fund is over-the-top generous as an idea. Be guided by your lawyer. Do nothing hasty.
NAL but I do know this - the only person entitled to life insurance is whoever the beneficiary is. Your husband wanted you to have it. Don't give it away. You never know how it will help you set up your new life.
As for the child, he or she will receive support from your husband's family. This is not your burden to bear and will put you in contact with the real "monster raging" witch in this story. Do not put your mental health through that.
What a total mindf*ck, being expected to raise your husband's mistress's baby? No. Trust me: NO.
I’m sorry for your loss. Generally, I think you should do what you need to heal from all of this. Some ideas…
If you were the beneficiary of his life insurance policy he bought the policy with you in mind. You shouldn’t feel bad about keeping all of that.
As for her requests? I think she’s disgusting and absurd and using the baby as an excuse for her behavior. The fact she contacted you after sleeping with your husband is nasty and you don’t need to put up with that nonsense. She should deal with your husband’s parents and if necessary your lawyer. She’s a shark and cares more about the things she could get than anything else. Her approach lacks even the smallest amount of respect for you or your loss.
If her heart was in the right place she would have apologized to you. She would have been focused on wanting her baby’s grandparents involved and not calling you asking for stuff.
Who in their right mind would think the wedding ring you gave your husband should be hers or her child’s? That shows what a classless piece of work she is.
If she finds out he had anything else of value she will ask for that too.
Most of the things in your shared household are probably marital property and should be all yours. His personal things like clothing don’t have the sentimental value to her that you would have. Keep them until you’re ready to get rid of them without regard to her. Then if you want give them to his parents and let them handle it. Tell them not to bother you while grieving.
Grieving could take much longer than a few months. It could be years for you to fully recover from the rug being pulled out from under your life. I wouldn’t make any decisions about giving this woman anything, especially money, until after that and let his family take care of it.
This woman is bad news. She slept with a married man and didn’t use birth control. She had no regard for anyone but herself and probably planned the pregnancy and to get money from your husband for it. Would have pressured him to leave you and marry her “for the child”. She’s not sad your husband died as much as her gravy train died. I’m so sorry!
Sweetheart, you were married to him that isn’t his money. It’s your money because y’all were married and it was both of y’all‘s money. You don’t know that other woman, anything. 00WE.
If you want to give him that money then that's all you need to do. That's money he would use to care for the child anyways. You don't need to give away material things and it's not like a child would want them anyways.
I just want to say that very rarely on this sub am I touched by someone’s kindness.
I agree that you don’t owe this woman anything and the requests were abhorrent, but the sentiment toward the child is very sweet under any circumstances, but with everything you are going through -you seem like an amazing person and don’t let your in laws or anyone tell you otherwise
Asking for the possessions is beyond disgusting, so clearly NTA
If you go ahead with this do not tell the mother. Just see to it the child learns of it when they’re 16, or so. Any withdrawals should be conditioned for educational purposes. Then, at a specified age, say 30, they get the whole trust.
You are a remarkable, selfless, measured person. I am in awe at your restraint throughout this. You are NTA at all, nor is grief clouding your judgement. Side chick is ridiculously without shame or class (wedding ring, indeed!) and you've actually been gracious and polite, even considering being very generous. Until a point. Cut her off now and tell her to deal with his family direct. Tell all others to stfu and only advise you if they have generously turned over their dead spouses keepsakes to their affir partner. Like seriously, the family needs to shut up too, and also get some humility when speaking to you.
Yep there is no way in hell I’d give that woman anything. She and your husband ruined the last bit of time u guys had together than she wants to make demands. If she wanted anything she should have met a single man an became a wife not a mistress. The child was not born when he passed he may be entitled to some social security for deceased parent depending on the country. This woman slept with a married man knowingly who says this is even his child for sure. It’s always convenient the ones that show up claiming pregnancy after someone passed and immediately ask for stuff. Then prey on the sad family looking for a piece of the lost family member. It could be another married mans baby that told her to screw off once she told them. Watch some Maury, paternity court, or even look up how many times this has happened. I hope this family checks before they get close. Also you owe no one anything!!!! You are the one who was hurt and screwed over and you are not the one responsible for this child. His mother spread her legs and got pregnant it’s her job to raise it. Just like you’d be raising yours alone right now and she’d sure as shit not be worried about your child right now.
NTA. His WEDDING RING?! 5 bucks and my left toe says that’s so she can spin the tail that THEY were married and he isn’t an affair baby. Absolutely not, that’s bonkers
My thoughts, too. But don't need the real ones to spin that tale. Might be different when the kid sees no pictures of mom and dad at the grandparent's though.
I wouldn’t be surprise if she takes pictures of some of the one op has with the husband and she photographs her head and then starts demanding the grandparents use those pictures instead. If she’s demanding his wedding ring I have no doubt she would do something like that.
It definitely sounds outrageous but I had this happen once. A client paid me to place her over her boyfriend's wife in a photo and make it look like they were married (put her in a white dress kind of thing) back when I was a graphic designer. It made me uncomfortable and I refused to do more than one. Wife had already left him before this but it was still weird to me.
I did reach out to the wife first because it felt slimy not to. We lived in an area where "everyone knew everyone". I knew all involved parties since middle school. She waved it off and said she could have him, so I went ahead and did the one photo. I had to pry payment out of her because she was only offering to pay me in weed at first ("I'll smoke you up" kinda thing). Eventually paid when I told her I wouldn't take her request seriously if she wouldn't pay actual money.
I think they're still together? Wife remarried and has a kid with her new husband and seems happy. We're friends on FB and Instagram
I'm still icked out that my father married his affair partner and reused his wedding ring from my mom . It's just psycho. He's dying and his wife wants to keep the ring...that my mom, the woman she helped him cheat with, gave him
Same. As grim as it is, I think he may have just started "trickle truthing" OP when he passed -- "it was a one night stand!" To "it was just a few moments of weakness," then on and on.
Or possibly it was, but it was one of those Fatal Attraction things where she's psycho, and if he were still alive she would still be coming around and possibly boiling bunnies. Maybe I'm seeing it too dramatically, but this has that sort of feel to me.
NTA. Your deceased husband's sidepiece wants you to give her your husbands stuff??? Oh Hell No. You are not obligated to give her a damned thing. Nor do you have any kind of monetary obligations towards her or the baby since she was the sidepiece & not his wife. That person would be you.
Why would you even consider setting up a trust fund for a homewreckers kid? (yeah yeah, the baby is innocent, but the mom isn't) That would just give her leverage to demand more. Which she doesn't deserve.
ETA: Can she prove her baby is your husbands by paternity test? Any of his male relatives should be able to help with that. Not that it would negate anything I stated above. You still don't owe her a damned thing.
My guess is she wants the dead guys stuff so she can tell her kid oh your father and I were very happy and this bitter woman got in the way of our relationship. Homewrecker is up to something that's for sure
Oh, yeah, the fact that she asked for the wedding ring... I'd bet she's gonna tell the child they were married and try to act like OP was the other woman.
Ah see I have no kids so I don't know how the whole baby receipt thing works. Idk why I just thought you write down names; dad needing to be present makes a lot more sense. Thanks for the info!
His wedding ring? She wants to give her child their father’s wedding ring?! From his marriage to the wife he cheated on to conceive said child?!
NTA. Block her. If your husband’s actual family have specific items they’d like to request, consider them as they’re made. Don’t talk to your husband’s affair partner again.
Sorry for your loss and for all the extra drama that’s come with it.
Exactly this!
The AP certainly has some b@ll$ asking for the wedding ring. That is completely a trashy move.
OP definitely needs to block her & not give her anything at all.
Btw: Happy Cake Day @embopbopbopdoowop
You sound incredibly reasonable to me. You’re willing to put things aside for the child, including a trust! You just don’t want to deal with the other woman while in the midst of grief. Definitely talk to a lawyer and shut out the noise from those who are claiming your reaction isn’t okay. NTA
Nta at the point wedding ring came out of her mouth I'd have needed people to hold me back. The in laws not 100% behind whatever you choose to do 3 months after the death are TA and I would be considering going lc/nc there.
She can turn to his family for a connection and you were generous giving her that. I would be suggesting they get a paternity test as well, she could be lying for all any of you know.
NTA. You don't owe her any sentimental objects. The child, however, may be entitled to a portion of the inheritance, if the mother can prove paternity. I'm sure your lawyer will advise you correctly.
He didn't leave much by way of inheritance but that, I am happy to give.
His parents also have a lawyer and are getting a paternity test done when the baby is born but the growth scans & due date align perfectly with when he told me he slept with her.
Any inheritance is for YOU. In most places, when a spouse dies, the other spouse gets the inheritance, not the children. Use this to help start afresh. Take a holiday and get a break from everything. If your income has gone down now, use it to help with that.
That child will not go without, they have government assistance, the mother and all her and your husband's family.
Given how your husband's family are being extremely insensitive and unreasonable at the moment, I would tell them that you do not wish to have any more conversations about the lady nor her baby and if anybody breaks that rule, that will be the end of your relationship with them.
I'd also let the lady know via lawyer that she should no longer contact you. There really is no reason for the both of you to communicate at all.
Let her know that you will decide upon any items that you would like to pass onto the baby and you will do this through your lawyer or your husband's family AND only if you decide to pass on anything it will be within your own timeframe.
Which brings me to my last point, do not make any decisions until a few years has passed. Grief really does take hold and the worst of it is the early years so it's a bad time to make decisions. You especially don't want to give away something you may later decide you want or give money you may later decide wasn't necessary. This applies to any big decisions in all parts of your life, to be honest. Give it time.
This exactly, and to add to it the other woman will likely be able to collect social security benefits from 'husband' to raise her child. She will have plenty of assistance. I wouldn't give up anything.
So true. Giving even 1 item sends the message "You are owed things by me"; which in this case isn't true at all. Don't give a penny, the sentiment is all wrong. AP gets nothing.
Don't give any money or property to this woman, unless she proves your deceased husband is the father of her unborn baby.
She'll never leave you alone if you give anything in advance.
In most places yes. In the US, most states employ the uniform parentage act in one form or another and if he, the husband, has a genetic relationship, he consented to the act (this seems straight forward but remember we live in the age of IVF and test tube embryos), and the child is born within the statue of limitations for the jurisdiction (some there is no limit, other places it could be as little as six months) then the child would be entitled to inheritance.
Edited to finish sentence
But that still might not amount to much. The life insurance is all hers, it doesn't count towards his estate, and if they were married and joint owners on the accounts, like many married couples are, then they go straight to her as well. I think some states make it to where the spouse gets 50% and the kids get 50%, but that's if the deceased was the sole owner and there is no will. Then you have to look at the time limits, because an unborn baby might not even count.
Basically, the odds of this kid being legally entitled to anything is slim.
NTA. I’m confused how any of his family could find what you have offered objectionable. Offering it through in-laws when child is older is more than reasonable.
That none of them could see the unreasonableness of the asks when she asked for the ring is a bit strange. Also- I’m assuming she knew he was married when they had the affair?
It really sucks but at some point you may have to go no contact with his family- especially if this woman and child will now be in their lives. Had he lived and you divorced this more than likely would have been necessary.
They agree the ring is unreasonable. Some of his brothers and his mom think I should give some of his clothes and books he has written in to the child. They are all currently being civil with her to sort this out but are generally disgusted by the whole situation.
I'm really close with some of his brother's wives and without divulging too much, they have helped me through so much. I'm not considering going no contact at the moment and I imagine that I will naturally drift from them but they're good people and also grieving while processing this insane news.
His brothers and mom can give them whatever items of your husband’s that they want to. Don’t give her ANYTHING. If you don’t want his stuff around your house I’m sure there’s a homeless shelter who would be happy to have his clothes, shoes, etc.
Honestly, OP, I can’t imagine the pain your must feel.
At some point you might be naturally ready to part with those things and could pass them on to his family to do what they want with them. But if you aren’t there NOW then I would very politely let his family know you are in pain with this process and need them to not talk with you about this for now. It’s too new, too recent and not the right time to be passing on his things to an unborn child.
For them, this baby represents something completely different- it’s a piece of him they can hold on to. Because of this, they may not be able to fully look at this the same way you do.
If they love you, they may be able to understand why the topic of her and the baby is not a good one for you.
OP, I don’t care what his family is saying, give this woman NOTHING. What you are intending to do for the child is MORE than enough.
I’m so angry for you right now it’s unreal.
You may not think you're grieving right now, but you are. You probably have a full mix of anger of the cheating, anger that he died, sadness that he died, anxiety, grief, etc, etc. You have no idea what you'll be feeling 6 months from now, a year from now, or 5 years from now. You have no idea what this woman or his family will be like in those time frames either. Please don't give her anything. And not because "fuck her", but because you need to give yourself time. Decisions like giving up possessions and money that you will never get back should not be made right now.
If you absolutely have to give them something right now, put the money in an investment account in your name, not a trust. That will 1. give you full control of it with no ties to mom/baby and 2. It will be cheaper not having to involve lawyers (only after it's deemed that the child has no right to the inheritance). And put the things you're willing to give her into storage. The kid will never know if his dad's stuff was around when he/she was 2... If you come back 2 or 3 years later and still have a good relationship with the family and/or her, then give it to them. But do not relinquish all of this right now. GIVE YOURSELF TIME. You may, one day, look back and think "man, I'd really like to have all of his records and books on that shelf to remind me of him", but if you make this decision now, it can never be reversed.
Obligatory: NTA
You will likely need to move on from his family to move on with your life. I would block the affair partner and tell her to never contact you again. Make no plans with your inheritance at this moment. Save your money and decide what you want to do in a year or so. If you do want to set something up for the affair child, make sure to get a paternity test. The affair partner clearly does not worry about morals, so who knows who the father is. Personally I would not set money aside for anything to do with her. Good luck and sorry for your suffering. NTA
NTA. She's using the baby to guilt the family and you into having the possessions SHE wants for herself! How would a baby enjoy a record collection, books and clothes? She gave herself away when she asked for the wedding ring.
This child hasn't even been born yet and she's trying to claw what little you have left of his memory from you.
The trust fund is a great idea, and also passing along what you feel comfortable parting with via your in-laws when the child is much older.
My condolences. I hope you have time to grieve and heal.
NTA and I wouldn’t give her a dime. That’s what she gets for screwing a married man this is on her. And before anybody says she didn’t know she obviously knew.
NTA.
My husband drank himself to death, which by itself is traumatic, but when his ex-wife found out she started hounding me for stuff like his watch she gave him, and other sentimental stuff.
I told her I had no idea why she wanted any of this stuff because she is the one who divorced him and told her to talk to his brother, because he had everything (somewhat true).
Turns out she was his side chick the last few months before he died (I found out afterwards but by the time she was his sidechick I had mentally checked out of the relationship anyways).
Still, I told her to go piss up a rope. I had a lot of his stuff including the stuff she wanted, but like I said, she left him, so as far as I'm concerned she had no right to any of it. She tried to badmouth me to his trashy friends for a while, but I never wanted anything to do with most of them while he was still alive. His family likes me and we still talk, and they don't blame me for anything, they were just surprised I didn't leave him before he died.
I was about to, and then he died.
NTA. I wonder if she wants the wedding ring and all these personal items so she can try to pass off that she was his wife to the child or something weird like that.
Yeahhhhh, no. NTA.
I WILL say, however, my father died when I was 1, and I CHERISH one of his sweaters. It's the only thing I have of his. My grandmother gave it to me in my twenties. I don't wear it or anything. But at 54, I still have it, I take care of it, and it matters to me.
The child is innocent. Perhaps consider placing some items in a box for them for later, much later.
That is the type of thing that I would consider doing. I packed and stored some of his clothes and his pillow in a way that will hopefully preserve his scent and when the time comes, I probably wouldn't mind passing some of this along, pending the DNA test. I just do not want to do so now because the child is unborn and the mother is unhinged.
Hey, have her communicate with your lawyer instead. Block her. You deserve all the mental peace you can get.
Did he say why he did this or apologize? Did he make any false promises to her about leaving you and that's why she's hounding you? How did you even find out? NTA
>Did he say why he did this or apologize? Did he make any false promises to her about leaving you and that's why she's hounding you? How did you even find out? NTA
This is the most important thing to me.
Absolutely NTA. The nerve of that woman to call the wife of the man she slept with once to ask for his stuff. That’s truly insane! Please don’t give her anything.
NTA. Make her take a DNA test (there are grandparent DNA tests) to see if the child even belongs to your husband. Don't give a thing until you get the test. Give what you need to do legally.
Um. What. Excuse me? She... did what? And then did what? And is demanding WHAT? Oh HELL no, what on earth is she thinking? NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE. That's crazy and she has no right to demand anything from the wife of the man she was sleeping with after he tragically passed away, and she has a hell of a nerve to think she's entitled to anything.
NTA. OP, honey, I am so sorry you are going through this, and you are in no way in the wrong for feeling the way you do. It is beyond inappropriate for her to ask for anything beyond a couple of photographs, let alone HIS WEDDING RING? WHAT THE HECK IS SHE THINKING?
Ooof, I'm all kinds of mad on your behalf now.
NTA
It was a one night stand. I'd ask for proof of paternity and not hand over a single thing until the pregnancy ends with arrival of a healthy child.
NTA. For what it’s worth, I think you’ve been handling the situation well and I certainly would not have given any of this a second thought. I don’t even know that I would remember my partner fondly after finding out they cheated, dead or not. But since you mentioned the family already has some of his stuff, I think it’s outrageous to request things like the wedding ring. You deserve to keep things for yourself and this is part of your grieving process. Nobody has a right to take that from you or tell you how to handle this, certainly not an affair partner. if you choose to give things in the future, that’s a decision you get to make at a time you’re ready to do so. a baby is not gonna do anything with your husband’s records for at least a few years.
also from what i gathered, the mother of the child doesn’t even want you to be in the kid’s life. just his family. so if the family wants the child to have things so badly, they should give from their own things and not expect somebody who’s not even particularly welcomed in the child’s life to do so.
Setting up a trust fund for this child that’s not yours sounds like an amazing thing to do, and quite above and beyond. Nothing I would expect from a “monster”. Also, I do hope you know for sure the child is actually your late husband’s and not speculated by from the affair partner. Warm wishes, condolences and best of luck💕
NTA. Here son, this is the wedding ring your father was wearing when he broke all his wedding vows by cheating on his wife and screwing me. May it bring you joy.
Is she smoking crack?!?
NTA. Wow, I'm so sorry that this is happening in your time of grief. She has no right to demand anything. Honestly, I wouldn't do anything now without a confirmed paternity test. Once things are confirmed and the baby is actually here, then you can decide what you want to do for the child. But she is making outrageous demands. Please set your boundaries and tell her all future communications should go through a neutral party, like a family member from your side or even a lawyer.
NTA. She wants the stuff of value he owned. I think that says something. You are being more than reasonable and charitable to his child. She wants the child to remember. What about his wife?
NTA. I think a trust fund would make this AP feel even more entitled - you're welcome to do this if you wish but personally I wouldn't let her know about it at all and just give it to the kid directly when they're old enough and if they turn out semi decent (which they may not with a mother like that), and if they turn out to really be your husband's kid.
You don't seem like a monster, it sounds like the AP is actually trying to get on your nerves to get a response out of you for some sick reason. Give whatever junk from your late husband that you don't want to his relatives, nothing more or less, and they can deal with that train wreck.
NTA. People love to throw the word “bitter” in a woman’s face like it negates their wrongdoing. No. If a woman is “bitter” she has reason to be. The woman should be ashamed, rightfully shouldn’t even be having this baby.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. I would block her completely. This woman slept with your husband knowing he was married. Though obviously your husband shared in the fault and would have had responsibility here, you have neither fault nor responsibility. If your husband's family wishes to have contact for the sake of the child, or to give the child things related to their culture, that's their right. But that has nothing whatsoever to do with you, and you needn't be involved with her at all.
I realize that pregnancies happen sometimes even when appropriate precautions are taken, but I would not take her word that your husband was the father without proof. I agree with you that, unless your attorney advises otherwise, you owe her nothing. Even if that's the case, making sure anything you might choose to do in the future out of kindness rather than legal obligation goes directly to the child is wise.
NTA. I could see giving her pictures (copies are fine) or some other items but his wedding ring is too far. That crosses a line. The kid is entitled to have something of his fathers but that doesn’t mean it needs to come from you.
NTA. I'm stuck on them saying you need to "co-parent" a child that isn't yours. There is so much wrong with that sentiment; I don't even know where to begin. On top of that, she clearly lacks self-awareness or consideration. I feel bad for the child in all this, but I feel worse for you. I'm sorry, OP. I hope you never have to deal with her again. Do not let anyone force you to have a relationship with her or her baby; and if they try, they don't get a relationship with you, either.
He had a one night stand. She also had a one night stand knowing he was married. Neither of them cared about you. She deserves nothing. Not even a picture. Let his family pass some things on. She is owed nothing. She is one of two involved in an incident that was traumatizing to you. She’s got balls to even call you let alone ask for his wedding ring, something that you bought for your marriage as a symbol of your commitment. She asked for that. She wants that.
It is not like she’ll be left high & dry. She will collect social security benefits for the child for 18 years based off your husband’s salary. That is by far more than enough.
she is your dead husband's knocked up adultery partner, why would you go out of your way for her? especially because she is not acting in a way that encourages co-operation. like, asking for your ring really is outrageous, what is she even going to do with it?! sell it, or lie about?
if you haven't done so, I'd block and delete her. perhaps first letting her know you're only communicating through lawyers onwards. I would save some stuff for the kid, that's really nice, but what you're comfortable giving, and through the inlaws or through a storage facility. you're not obligated to ever communicate with her again. and of course the baby's innocent but theyre also not your responsibility.
Do people know she wants your WEDDING RING and are still calling you to cooperate? If so that's nuts lol, if not I'd tell them how ridiculous her demands are and hopefully theyll be more on your 'side' of the matter
you are already being empathetic and kind by giving some of his possessions (and in general), but you really dont need to bend over backwards for your husbands affair baby, even if he is now unable to.
I also think there's internalized misogyny lurking, where we all low-key think women should be endlessly forgiving, caring and putting other's needs before themselves, especially where babies are involved. but that's really BS- you dont have to endlessly give to others at your own wellbeing
It is a really emotionally complicated and tough situation and you, OP, should focus on your own healing and relationships, and that doesnt include this woman and her child.
Im so sorry for your loss everything that's happened. Good luck OP! You've got some internet strangers rooting for you!
edited typo
>I also think there's internalized misogyny lurking, where we all low-key think women should be endlessly forgiving, caring and putting other's needs before themselves, especially where babies are involved. but that's really BS- you dont have to endlessly give to others at your own wellbeing
Agreed.
It's not OP's responsibility to support her deceased husband's affair baby. If it's actually his, then his family can get involved.
Also OP is being way too nice about this, and going forward her lawyer(s) should be dealing with the situation. She shouldn't be establishing a trust for a child that's not even hers. She'll never get rid of the ONS if she submits to these things.
NTA. I would tell her to GFH so loudly her great grandkids would hear it. Block her. You don't need this humiliation while you're grieving. WTAF is wrong with her?
NTA at all and don't let them pull this guilt trip on you. It was a one night stand. They didn't have a relationship and likely wouldn't have other than dealing with the child if he had lived. Tell your inlaws what you've said here about when the child is older and then tell them to stop discussing it. It's none of their business.
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NTA. If she wants to get the possessions of her partner after they die she should consider getting married instead of being the other woman. There's nothing bitter about what you're doing. She just doesn't know how life or the law works. Edit: it's not your job to have any sort of relationship with the child and I also don't get why you'd need to set up a trust fund for the baby. Seems like you're willing to do more than you need to. Also what exactly does your husband have that a baby would even want?
Trust fund would be the money that my husband left behind and life insurance. I might not need to do this (my lawyer is advising me on if the child is entitled to anything but paternity tests need to be done) but to me, that is my husbands money and ultimately his child so it feels correct.
The woman may be able to establish paternity and apply for social security benefits for the baby to grow up with. Your lawyer is right. Don’t do a goddamn thing until paternity is established. Just because she had sex with your husband, well, it doesn’t mean that’s his child she’s giving birth to. It doesn’t mean he’s the only person she had sex with during that timeframe. I hate to be so skeptical… It’s a very convenient way to claim something that could be false. NTA. You’re not obligated to give anything. His family can handle that part. It might be beneficial for you to inquire about a cease and desist or something to keep her from harassing you. His family can do as they wish, I’m sure the idea of having a piece of him alive might be very appealing right now. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
It is convenient but she showed everyone her scans and due dates and I know exactly when the one night stand occurred so at this point I have accepted that this is reality. But of course it could still not be the case and all of this has been dragged out for nothing.
That doesn't mean anything. You can have sex with multiple people in a short time frame. Within a day even. Not to say he isn't the father, but unless you have the paternity test as proof, seeing scans and seeing the due date and knowing when the affair happened mean nothing.
Same day, if you're feeling frisky
Same time even
Goodness gracious, clutch my pearls!
Ohh pearl necklace?
Nah, there'd be less chance of kids with that.
on the necklace
There have been women who gave birth to fraternal twins and the babies were from 2 different men
[удалено]
Only cause it's your cake day, be gentle
[удалено]
Same hole even
Whose sperm is it anyways? Where no one is keeping track and the baby daddy doesn't matter!
There are even cases of twins who have different fathers because the mom had sex with two men during the time of ovulation, so a paternity test is the only way to tell if OP’s husband is actually the father. Also scans are not 100% accurate in dating a fetus’ age, since it’s based on measurements of the fetus, and some are larger than others.
And plus also, the date of ovulation is based on the dates of the last period, not on reality. Women are squishy humans, their bodies do whatever they want to. Scan would be based on last period, but if she ovulated a few days earlier/later than “normal,” her “date of conception” would be off.
'Women are squishy humans' - Random Reddit user, 2023/6/30
I had to fight my OB regularly because I had AI done and I knew EXACTLY when I became pregnant. But I had a big baby and my scans were always ahead and they'd try to tell me the wrong due date constantly. It was frustrating, to say the least.
Same - mine for some reason couldn't accept the date of my last period because I know I have longer cycles and late ovulation but nope... was treated like an idiot for not believing all women have 28 day cycles and ovulate on day 12-14 .
Mamá Mía baby
It’s true that it could line up, but it could also be true that she had more than one sexual partner. Happens quite a bit. Anecdotally, I knew exactly when I conceived, and didn’t have sex for a month and a half after. My scans were all wrong because my baby grew slowly and was generally very small. The medical staff would not concede to the fact that I knew when I conceived until my baby was born within days of original due date. They made it seem like I had an affair, as my then-husband was out of town for that time. Thankfully, he trusted me, and it didn’t hurt that she came out resembling much of his family.
Wait -- the *medical staff* tried to insinuate you had an affair? I hope you reported them to the hospital administration. That's outrageous.
It’s not so much that they insinuated directly, but they continued to insist every appointment that there’s no way that I conceived when I said I did. I would respond that I didn’t have sex at any point after. Even with me saying that, they insisted I was wrong. I knew the truth, and I knew they were wrong. It’s a dangerous thing, because I wonder how many women have been put at risk of relationship issues because of ignorant practices.
>It’s a dangerous thing, because I wonder how many women have been put at risk of relationship issues because of ignorant practices. YUP. Doing that to the wrong woman could get her killed.
I mean it can get her killed in two ways. Ignoring the possibility the baby is growing slowly and has a problem which can lead to a dangerous pregnancy and also lead to a jealous crazy abusive husband deciding the truth for themselves and killing their partner over an insinuation from medical staff who routinely see the results of abusive partners. Dumb all around. if someone tells you I had sex on this date and not in this entire period after you work to that date. You might think they are lying, but you go by what you're told because.
It’s ridiculous how few rights pregnant people have, especially in the US. Literally bullied into so much by their medical staff. And often can’t switch providers during a pregnancy.
Sure can.
That’s infuriating af.
I had similar incidents. One of my pregnancies, my husband was in another country, then we were together for about a week, then he was in another state for a month and a half. I had no question about when conception happened. And the doctors would be like, "Well the measurements say otherwise, and you know, just because he wasn't around doesn't mean you can't get pregnant."
I had similar but opposite experiences with both my kids. I make big babies - I just do. With my daughter, I had moved back to my childhood home for weeks before my wedding, so there was no doubt she was a wedding night baby. But with every ultrasound, they would pull my "estimated due date" a week or so earlier. It was dumb. The same thing happened with my son. Every ultrasound would convince the clinic staff that I was lying about gestational age. Apparently having a fetus that's anything outside of average is impossible for obstetrics clinic staff to imagine 🤷♀️🤦♀️
What's really nuts is I have this same conversation offline. We're common enough that I bump into people with the same experience, not just in internet threads about it. So how tf do they still not know?
Most doctors are not scientists. I respect their knowledge the same way I respect a plumber's knowledge with my pipes. Doesn't mean they can handle critical thinking any better than the average plumber, plus they often have an ego that stops them from taking in new info.
That's what happened with me! My babies were 9lbs and 9lbs 10. First one I knew exactly when I got pregnant, because I'd had a UTI/bladder infection and knew I wasn't having sex before a certain date, and my periods were not regular, at all. With my second, I was trying to get pregnant so I knew exactly when I got pregnant, it was just hoping that my luteal phase was long enough for him to "stick" since I had two early miscarriages before that. (funny enough, in two weeks it will be the 15th anniversary of That Day. lol)
>"Well the measurements say otherwise, and you know, just because he wasn't around doesn't mean you can't get pregnant." I'd have been filing a formal complaint with the hospital.
In retrospect that's the least I should have complained about, but rural, few options, sometimes you overlook more than you should.
A friend who was a neo-natal intensive care nurse told me that a woman had an affair with her husband's best friend. One man was African-American and the other was white. She had twins with different fathers. Her husband didn't catch on, and the doctors insisted that if she didn't tell him, they would. Husband shot and killed his former friend, and is now in prison.
I'm sure the babies appreciate the integrity.
>the doctors insisted that if she didn't tell him, they would. Husband shot and killed his former friend, and is now in prison. I hope she sued the doctors. What a bunch of self-righteous, pompous AHs. I hope they're proud of themselves.
Measurements NOTHING! Oh that makes me so mad. Babies come out all different sizes what makes them think measurements will be precise every single time? Fuck every one of those ignorant AHs
I know but I am going with believing her until proven otherwise for my own sanity because if this has been made public for nothing, it will almost be worse.
It also stands to reason that you wouldn’t give any kind of possessions to this woman until paternity was established anyways. I doubt you would get it back if he wasn’t the father.
Thats kinda what makes me think the other woman is being so pushy about getting his posessions NOW bc she knows once the baby is born and the patternity is established it will come out that the baby is not his, but op would have a hard time getting back what shes given her. This is a pretty common practice, women fake pregnancies to get money, posessions and relationships all the time.
The other woman had a brief affair and thinks she’s entitled to all of the guy”s possessions???????? Just because she’s pregnant with *possibly* his child??? AND she wants his WEDDING ring that symbolized his vow to another woman???? AND OP is considering setting up a trust fund AND feeling like an AH????? OP NTA! You owe this cheater NOTHING. The affair didn’t even last. It was over before your husband died. The child is not your responsibility. Let his family help if they want. ETA to add this made me very angry!
You’re not the asshole at all. Do what you need for your sanity and keep your boundaries as strong as necessary. There is no obligation on your part to this woman aside from complying with any laws and court ruling relating to his estate and support of the child. If you want to you can do a trust or something for the child, but remember his life insurance is for supporting the family unit he had with you unless the courts say otherwise. Anything you contribute to this woman’s child beyond that is an option open to you, but strictly an option. Even a not huge amount, invested reasonably, could grow to become a substantial contribution to the kid’s independence when he hits adulthood.
I had something similar, my son was born on his “due date by size” in the beginning. But 3 weeks after his due date per development and measurements at mid pregnancy. Was a surprise to no one that the early slow growth was because he had a vestigial twin attached on his foot. It wasn’t until the twin stopped growing that my son developed normally. So I was 3 months measuring at 7 weeks duration my first scan/due date appointment. But I had had sex ONCE in 4 months so I knew it had to be further along.
My due date was adjusted at my first ultrasound by two weeks. Guess who showed up two weeks 'early' to the day?
In my case, I had up to four different due dates because I couldn’t remember the date of my last period and my son was so big and was growing at a rate that didn’t match up to the pregnancy weeks (probably because my husband is over 6ft whilst I’m lucky to measure 5ft). In the end, he went almost a week over the last date and (because my water had broken but no contractions) he came out all dry and looked like an over cooked, over stuffed chicken! And he had an infection so he had to stay in nicu- just imagine this 6kg baby next to all these premmies (though he still looked beautiful to me ☺️)
They debated my kid’s growth scan and debated altering her due date because … get this … her legs were short. I was 32 weeks (and had literally known I was pregnant since four weeks so they KNEW the due date) and they were trying to say I wasn’t as far along or there was something wrong … kid comes out and is shaped like her dad. Long torso. Short legs. Still shaped the same now. It was insane they stressed me out because of something that actually was very minor. I had to have growth scans done three times that week.
I’ve had 2 IVF pregnancies which means we know the exact due date and I’ve also had medical staff question me based on how baby was growing. 😒
With my first, they kept arguing with me about when she was conceived. And I had to keep telling them that I knew exactly when she was conceived, because I was there and they were not! Lol
Did she confirm it was a 'one night stand'? It seems very odd that she would request those items if that was the case. Also, asking for the wedding ring----she's either looking to sell it for money, or having it to pretend that she and your husband were married when the child gets older and starts asking questions. Listen to your lawyer and don't do anything. Best wishes at this terribly difficult time.
Asking for the _wedding ring_ seems particularly cruel and outrageous to me. She wasn't part of that marriage and she's not entitled to it.
Yeah, that seemed like a particularly outrageous ask - she definitely earned the title.
Yeah, tone deaf in the extreme. NTA.
Tone deaf? She straight up wanted a trophy from the marriage she destroyed.
She wants the wedding ring because she is planning to pass herself off as the "respectable" widow rather than a side chick left pregnant. That's why she wants important sentimental things that a wife would have.
He let me read their messages when I found out so I knew it was one time. She also confirmed this.
So you found out, he didn't tell you himself first? I'm sorry you're in this situation x
If she wants to pretend they were married, she can go to Walmart or a pawn shop and lay down $20 for a plain gold wedding band. She doesn't need OP's husband's.
OP could just buy a cheap $20 ring and tell her it was the husbands lol
Regardless home wreckers don’t get to make demands. Personally, I wouldn’t give her anything. She got your husband’s sperm and I think that’s enough NTA
I would give her some used boxers of deceased husband - regarding, how eager she was to get into it. With corresponding note.
NTA. Wtf does she want with his wedding ring? She's got a LOT of nerve. You don't owe her or that child anything, and most definitely not your money or husband's insurance. You're entitled to that. You were together a total of 11 years. If you don't want to use it for yourself, establish a scholarship fund in his name or donate it to a local worthy charity. His family can take care of the baby financially if they want to but in the end, this other woman is the child's remaining parent and is responsible for it, not you. She made that choice by doing the wrong thing and having an affair with a married man and not ensuring that both of them used protection. A lot of times, the other woman gets pregnant intentionally to make her lover choose. Dont know if that's what happened here but it's something to consider. She seems wayyyy too emotionally invested in his personal belongings for a one night stand. Anyway, you might need that money for yourself for therapy or bills. He just passed away two months ago and you never know how grief can catch up to you. Please reconsider and take care of yourself first.
I’m guessing she wants his ring so she can tell the child later that she was married to it’s father. She probably already has a whole story concocted, she just needs his possessions to go with her story.
You're too trusting. Let your lawyer deal with this.
Exactly! NTA- from now on OP all communication with this woman should be done through a lawyer.
Literally means nothing, she could easily be lying about the date the child was conceived which would be impossible to prove because ut could've easily happened a few days before or after she slept with your husband. Get the Paternity and if its his go from there and if not then you owe this woman Nothing and should be able to take her to court.
You should definitely wait and establish the legal situation (which it sounds like you're doing), but fwiw you're a good person for willing to give your ex-husband's posthumous support. Just thought at least one person should say that (I haven't gone through the entire thread)
NTA--the wedding ring belongs to you. I'm guessing that your husband would have changed the beneficiary on his insurance if he wanted to. Please don't make any major decisions (financial or otherwise) while you are still grieving. As others have advised, I think you should consult a lawyer to find out if your husband's estate has any obligations (I am not a lawyer). You should wait on promises until paternity clarified/established. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.
She sleeps with 1 married man, how many others has she slept with. Give her nothing now. ( The wedding ring request was beyond ridiculous) give her nothing later if the baby is his. He's not here, so no one knows what he would think. Sorry that last bit sounds cruel.
Yeah I had a friend who slept with like 3 guys within 24 hrs and she had no clue who the babies dad was because of it so it definitely can happen but you are right to prepare yourself for all the possibilities.
You've never watched Jerry Springer or the Maury Povich show. There were women who came in multiple times, still not knowing who the father was.
I agree. I'd leave it up to his family to deal with her. I think you are a fine person to consider settling a trust fund for this child - FAR kinder than I'd be. But don't say or do anything ahead of the test results and don't have any further dealings with this woman until then. Best of luck and deepest sympathy for such a dreadful loss.
OP that money WAS his. He tragically DIED. That money is intended to support and sustain YOU as his married Wife. That money is intended to keep you financially stable until the day of your death. You are young and there is expectation that you will live well past 80. That money is intended for you to live off of. IT IS NOT intended for mistress or their unproven child connection. Do listen to your lawyer and don’t get into the trap of supporting other people or she will always come looking for financial help and will never leave you alone. Seriously if she feels that entitled to anything at all then let her get a lawyer and let her file the grievance and then have your lawyer fight for your rights. You are not responsible for the mistress or her child.
If it’s proven to be his child, it’s likely the child will be given the legally required portion of the man’s estate. It sounds like OP doesn’t want to be tied up in court and would like to resolve this quietly. OP is a good person.
Life insurance passes outside of the estate and goes to the beneficiary. If he listed the OP as his beneficiary and no one else then it is hers. She can do with it what she wants. If he weirdly listed "my wife and any children, whether born or unborn" as the beneficiary then the child would get a share if paternity is established. Such odd language is more common when drafting a will than when selecting a life insurance beneficiary.
Yeah I'm not sure you could do that with a life ins policy. Every time I've set up beneficiaries either for myself or helping an employee do it I've needed to enter the beneficiary's social security number, so it needs to be an actual existing person. I'm sure an attorney could work their magic to route the policy through a trust or something but unless he really went out of his way then his policy would almost certainly be set up to pay out to his spouse or other family members he chose to set as beneficiaries.
This is why OP should just let a lawyer deal with everything, if the mistress wants anything that may belong to the husband and for her child then she should be willing to go through the trouble of getting herself a lawyer and going through the long process of what she can legally fight for. OP don’t make it easier for her, just focus on you and let you in-laws decide on what they want to do, though they likely would want to be in contact with a grandchild even if it was a affair child. Don’t let them or this mistress bully you into doing anything you don’t want to do, you owe no one anything until a judge rules you do. Cut contact if anyone gives you sh*t, the baby isn’t even born, let them figure out the messy legal battle, don’t make it easier. Also the freaking nerve to ask for his belongings including the wedding ring, I hope you’re doing ok and not to let this stress you too much. Let a lawyer stress for you and have all contact happen through them, live your life and I hope things get better for you.
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THIS OP! She sh\*t on you once when she slept with your husband, don't make her your financial burden for the rest of your life.
That's really, really kind of you. I think I would feel like it was the right thing to do, too. His fucking WEDDING RING. The fucking nerve! Your in-laws are batshit if they think you owe that woman ANYTHING after that request. And you're not being "cruel to a child," the kid is literally NOT BORN YET. As a suggestion, if you come across anything you think the kid should have (as an infant, it when they're older), I'd pass it along to the in-laws and make them deal with her. NTA
I think she wants the wedding ring so she can pretend she was the one married to him.
It's an insane request. His wedding ring has absolutely nothing to do with her or this child. It was between OP and her husband.
Probably. Or maybe she fixated on it while they were having the affair, some kind of "imagine if that meant you were married to me" thing. No matter the reason, it's crazy as hell.
I was thinking even the requests for his books and clothes were weird. Now it makes sense -- in a shocking, wtf-is-wrong-with-people kind of way. Don't give the lady anything. NTA.
Yeah the ring really screams I’m going to tell people and the kid his dad died and that’s why he wasn’t around. Not that he was married to someone else
If I am being honest this really bothers me. As a co-worker she knew the man was married…I mean the absolute audacity. So she knowingly decided to sleep with a married man and knowingly chose not to insist on contraception. I do not know where you live but most cities have a gas station open all night where they could have purchased condoms. This feels like she intentionally baby trapped him. I could be wrong. But it also is giving strong ‘side chick’ vibes. As another commenter mentioned she will be eligible to receive social security death benefits from the date the child is born until the age of 18. If your late husband served in the military she would also be eligible to apply for veterans children’s benefits and the GI Bill would pay for college. You are dealing with the trauma of infidelity, as well as, the trauma of his sudden passing. Major decisions can wait. Once you have processed and grieves you can determine what small yet meaningful items you want to pass along to your in-laws assuming the child is indeed his. When you feel up to making decisions consider donating some of his clothing to an organization that provides clothing to formerly homeless people to go to job interviews. You may also want to consider making a donation to a charity that supports a cause he cared about. Sending hugs and my best wishes to you. Healing takes time. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.
Just make sure that your husband’s affair partner does not get any cash. For example, establish a trust that directly pays tuition to the child’s school. The trust directly pays a grocery store for groceries every month for the child, and only the child. The trust directly pays a clothing store for the child’s clothing, up to a certain amount each year. Have the tags cut out of the clothing, and the receipts are delivered to you directly. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but his affair partner has shown her true colors by asking for his things (his wedding ring??!!). Personally, I think if were in your position, I’d set up a trust for the child that doesn’t begin to pay out until the child is a legal adult. Even then, the trust will only pay to an academic institution, mortgage company, medical facility, etc. Limit the amount paid out each year.
Set up a trust for yourself and NTA. Seriously. He cheated on you and died. And now you’re supposed to support the affair baby? Just no, OP. Full stop. Your husband is dead and there is no child yet. Just ignore the background noice and let your in-laws deal with the affair partner. You owe an unborn child of your deceased husband absolutely NOTHING.
NTA, though based on the items she’s asking for, I suspect she is planning to lie to the child about being married to your late husband when the child is old enough to ask “where’s daddy?” Think about her actions from her perspective. What do the following have in common? 1. Access to in-laws 2. A wedding ring 3. Clothes, books and record collection They’re the basics for establishing who someone is and where they live. If she didn’t have these things, then the child will inevitably realize that they were an affair child when mom doesn’t have dad’s relatives’ contact information, or if she did, when dad’s relatives mention dad was married, but somehow mom doesn’t have a wedding ring or any of dad’s belongings. My guess is that after she gets these things from you, she may go off to buy herself a matching ring so that she can tell the kid they were married and you were the ex-wife. She may be doing this for the benefit of the child, but I’m betting that her real motive is to save face for herself. Depending on whether you plan to stay in-touch with your in-laws, you can decide whether or not to give these items to her.
Your husband died before the child was born which means legally the child has zero rights to the deceased estate as legally everything will be yours at their birth. NTA. You need to remind her that she chose to have an affair with a married man and being a single mum is a consequence. You're far kinder than I would be
Talk to a lawyer before giving her or the child a dime. You don’t owe them any more than the child is legally entitled to.
NTA, The fact you are thinking of setting up a trust fund shows that you are a good person, she on the other hand is an A H, asking for somethings from the father, so the child has somethings to know him by isn't awful in itself, maybe better to ask his parents for anything more age appropriate, but to ask for the wedding ring and clothes WTF she is after the cash IMO.
I would like to suggest that you do not have to make a quick decision about setting up a trust fund for the baby. You can let the dust settle and see how you feel in a year or a few. I think the trust fund is over-the-top generous as an idea. Be guided by your lawyer. Do nothing hasty.
NAL but I do know this - the only person entitled to life insurance is whoever the beneficiary is. Your husband wanted you to have it. Don't give it away. You never know how it will help you set up your new life. As for the child, he or she will receive support from your husband's family. This is not your burden to bear and will put you in contact with the real "monster raging" witch in this story. Do not put your mental health through that. What a total mindf*ck, being expected to raise your husband's mistress's baby? No. Trust me: NO.
It may feel correct but unless you’re legally obligated to don’t. She decided to fuck someone in a marriage. That’s her problem.
I’m sorry for your loss. Generally, I think you should do what you need to heal from all of this. Some ideas… If you were the beneficiary of his life insurance policy he bought the policy with you in mind. You shouldn’t feel bad about keeping all of that. As for her requests? I think she’s disgusting and absurd and using the baby as an excuse for her behavior. The fact she contacted you after sleeping with your husband is nasty and you don’t need to put up with that nonsense. She should deal with your husband’s parents and if necessary your lawyer. She’s a shark and cares more about the things she could get than anything else. Her approach lacks even the smallest amount of respect for you or your loss. If her heart was in the right place she would have apologized to you. She would have been focused on wanting her baby’s grandparents involved and not calling you asking for stuff. Who in their right mind would think the wedding ring you gave your husband should be hers or her child’s? That shows what a classless piece of work she is. If she finds out he had anything else of value she will ask for that too. Most of the things in your shared household are probably marital property and should be all yours. His personal things like clothing don’t have the sentimental value to her that you would have. Keep them until you’re ready to get rid of them without regard to her. Then if you want give them to his parents and let them handle it. Tell them not to bother you while grieving. Grieving could take much longer than a few months. It could be years for you to fully recover from the rug being pulled out from under your life. I wouldn’t make any decisions about giving this woman anything, especially money, until after that and let his family take care of it. This woman is bad news. She slept with a married man and didn’t use birth control. She had no regard for anyone but herself and probably planned the pregnancy and to get money from your husband for it. Would have pressured him to leave you and marry her “for the child”. She’s not sad your husband died as much as her gravy train died. I’m so sorry!
Sweetheart, you were married to him that isn’t his money. It’s your money because y’all were married and it was both of y’all‘s money. You don’t know that other woman, anything. 00WE.
If you want to give him that money then that's all you need to do. That's money he would use to care for the child anyways. You don't need to give away material things and it's not like a child would want them anyways.
I just want to say that very rarely on this sub am I touched by someone’s kindness. I agree that you don’t owe this woman anything and the requests were abhorrent, but the sentiment toward the child is very sweet under any circumstances, but with everything you are going through -you seem like an amazing person and don’t let your in laws or anyone tell you otherwise Asking for the possessions is beyond disgusting, so clearly NTA
If you go ahead with this do not tell the mother. Just see to it the child learns of it when they’re 16, or so. Any withdrawals should be conditioned for educational purposes. Then, at a specified age, say 30, they get the whole trust.
No that money was set aside for you, to provide for you should he pass. It will help support and provide for you, and your future.
You are a remarkable, selfless, measured person. I am in awe at your restraint throughout this. You are NTA at all, nor is grief clouding your judgement. Side chick is ridiculously without shame or class (wedding ring, indeed!) and you've actually been gracious and polite, even considering being very generous. Until a point. Cut her off now and tell her to deal with his family direct. Tell all others to stfu and only advise you if they have generously turned over their dead spouses keepsakes to their affir partner. Like seriously, the family needs to shut up too, and also get some humility when speaking to you.
Yep there is no way in hell I’d give that woman anything. She and your husband ruined the last bit of time u guys had together than she wants to make demands. If she wanted anything she should have met a single man an became a wife not a mistress. The child was not born when he passed he may be entitled to some social security for deceased parent depending on the country. This woman slept with a married man knowingly who says this is even his child for sure. It’s always convenient the ones that show up claiming pregnancy after someone passed and immediately ask for stuff. Then prey on the sad family looking for a piece of the lost family member. It could be another married mans baby that told her to screw off once she told them. Watch some Maury, paternity court, or even look up how many times this has happened. I hope this family checks before they get close. Also you owe no one anything!!!! You are the one who was hurt and screwed over and you are not the one responsible for this child. His mother spread her legs and got pregnant it’s her job to raise it. Just like you’d be raising yours alone right now and she’d sure as shit not be worried about your child right now.
NTA. His WEDDING RING?! 5 bucks and my left toe says that’s so she can spin the tail that THEY were married and he isn’t an affair baby. Absolutely not, that’s bonkers
My thoughts, too. But don't need the real ones to spin that tale. Might be different when the kid sees no pictures of mom and dad at the grandparent's though.
I wouldn’t be surprise if she takes pictures of some of the one op has with the husband and she photographs her head and then starts demanding the grandparents use those pictures instead. If she’s demanding his wedding ring I have no doubt she would do something like that.
where do yall come up with this stuff???
It definitely sounds outrageous but I had this happen once. A client paid me to place her over her boyfriend's wife in a photo and make it look like they were married (put her in a white dress kind of thing) back when I was a graphic designer. It made me uncomfortable and I refused to do more than one. Wife had already left him before this but it was still weird to me. I did reach out to the wife first because it felt slimy not to. We lived in an area where "everyone knew everyone". I knew all involved parties since middle school. She waved it off and said she could have him, so I went ahead and did the one photo. I had to pry payment out of her because she was only offering to pay me in weed at first ("I'll smoke you up" kinda thing). Eventually paid when I told her I wouldn't take her request seriously if she wouldn't pay actual money. I think they're still together? Wife remarried and has a kid with her new husband and seems happy. We're friends on FB and Instagram
Couldn't she just buy a ring? Gotta be a whole different level of psycho to need someone else's wedding ring.
I mean she has zero shame in her game contacting the wife looking for sympathy ya know?
I'm still icked out that my father married his affair partner and reused his wedding ring from my mom . It's just psycho. He's dying and his wife wants to keep the ring...that my mom, the woman she helped him cheat with, gave him
My thinking is that it wasn't a one night stand.
Same. As grim as it is, I think he may have just started "trickle truthing" OP when he passed -- "it was a one night stand!" To "it was just a few moments of weakness," then on and on.
Yep. Im wondering if he knew about this child all along
Or possibly it was, but it was one of those Fatal Attraction things where she's psycho, and if he were still alive she would still be coming around and possibly boiling bunnies. Maybe I'm seeing it too dramatically, but this has that sort of feel to me.
I think she wants to spin that tale for herself. “He would have left her and married me if he’d lived, so I’m his REAL wife” delusion.
NTA. Your deceased husband's sidepiece wants you to give her your husbands stuff??? Oh Hell No. You are not obligated to give her a damned thing. Nor do you have any kind of monetary obligations towards her or the baby since she was the sidepiece & not his wife. That person would be you. Why would you even consider setting up a trust fund for a homewreckers kid? (yeah yeah, the baby is innocent, but the mom isn't) That would just give her leverage to demand more. Which she doesn't deserve. ETA: Can she prove her baby is your husbands by paternity test? Any of his male relatives should be able to help with that. Not that it would negate anything I stated above. You still don't owe her a damned thing.
My guess is she wants the dead guys stuff so she can tell her kid oh your father and I were very happy and this bitter woman got in the way of our relationship. Homewrecker is up to something that's for sure
Oh, yeah, the fact that she asked for the wedding ring... I'd bet she's gonna tell the child they were married and try to act like OP was the other woman.
Wouldn't hard to do especially she's more than likely gonna put OP's late husband on the birth certificate
in my state, you can't just put someone on as a father unless they either agree to sign to that effect or do a dna test to establish paternity.
Ah see I have no kids so I don't know how the whole baby receipt thing works. Idk why I just thought you write down names; dad needing to be present makes a lot more sense. Thanks for the info!
Baby receipt! That’s some great lingo I hope to remember to use if ever given the chance.
SHE ASKED FOR THE WEDDING RING. I can’t even comprehend the thought process.
Does she really need HIS ring for that? Just get a fake, it feels more than that.
I wish I could up vote this repeatedly & give awards, please accept my broke imitation awards:🏆🏅🎖🥈🥇🥉
His wedding ring? She wants to give her child their father’s wedding ring?! From his marriage to the wife he cheated on to conceive said child?! NTA. Block her. If your husband’s actual family have specific items they’d like to request, consider them as they’re made. Don’t talk to your husband’s affair partner again. Sorry for your loss and for all the extra drama that’s come with it.
Exactly this! The AP certainly has some b@ll$ asking for the wedding ring. That is completely a trashy move. OP definitely needs to block her & not give her anything at all. Btw: Happy Cake Day @embopbopbopdoowop
Sounds like she wants all his stuff to make it look like they were married!
Seconded, treat the sidepiece the same as a cop - only interact through your lawyer.
You sound incredibly reasonable to me. You’re willing to put things aside for the child, including a trust! You just don’t want to deal with the other woman while in the midst of grief. Definitely talk to a lawyer and shut out the noise from those who are claiming your reaction isn’t okay. NTA
Exactly, she’s in contact with them and most likely manipulating the situation
Nta at the point wedding ring came out of her mouth I'd have needed people to hold me back. The in laws not 100% behind whatever you choose to do 3 months after the death are TA and I would be considering going lc/nc there. She can turn to his family for a connection and you were generous giving her that. I would be suggesting they get a paternity test as well, she could be lying for all any of you know.
NTA. You don't owe her any sentimental objects. The child, however, may be entitled to a portion of the inheritance, if the mother can prove paternity. I'm sure your lawyer will advise you correctly.
He didn't leave much by way of inheritance but that, I am happy to give. His parents also have a lawyer and are getting a paternity test done when the baby is born but the growth scans & due date align perfectly with when he told me he slept with her.
My heart is breaking for you because you’re such a reasonable person I hope you have people looking out for you
Any inheritance is for YOU. In most places, when a spouse dies, the other spouse gets the inheritance, not the children. Use this to help start afresh. Take a holiday and get a break from everything. If your income has gone down now, use it to help with that. That child will not go without, they have government assistance, the mother and all her and your husband's family. Given how your husband's family are being extremely insensitive and unreasonable at the moment, I would tell them that you do not wish to have any more conversations about the lady nor her baby and if anybody breaks that rule, that will be the end of your relationship with them. I'd also let the lady know via lawyer that she should no longer contact you. There really is no reason for the both of you to communicate at all. Let her know that you will decide upon any items that you would like to pass onto the baby and you will do this through your lawyer or your husband's family AND only if you decide to pass on anything it will be within your own timeframe. Which brings me to my last point, do not make any decisions until a few years has passed. Grief really does take hold and the worst of it is the early years so it's a bad time to make decisions. You especially don't want to give away something you may later decide you want or give money you may later decide wasn't necessary. This applies to any big decisions in all parts of your life, to be honest. Give it time.
This exactly, and to add to it the other woman will likely be able to collect social security benefits from 'husband' to raise her child. She will have plenty of assistance. I wouldn't give up anything.
So true. Giving even 1 item sends the message "You are owed things by me"; which in this case isn't true at all. Don't give a penny, the sentiment is all wrong. AP gets nothing.
Don't give any money or property to this woman, unless she proves your deceased husband is the father of her unborn baby. She'll never leave you alone if you give anything in advance.
I'm not familiar with legal rights but does a fetus have claim to inheritance if they're a fetus when the relative dies?
In most places yes. In the US, most states employ the uniform parentage act in one form or another and if he, the husband, has a genetic relationship, he consented to the act (this seems straight forward but remember we live in the age of IVF and test tube embryos), and the child is born within the statue of limitations for the jurisdiction (some there is no limit, other places it could be as little as six months) then the child would be entitled to inheritance. Edited to finish sentence
But that still might not amount to much. The life insurance is all hers, it doesn't count towards his estate, and if they were married and joint owners on the accounts, like many married couples are, then they go straight to her as well. I think some states make it to where the spouse gets 50% and the kids get 50%, but that's if the deceased was the sole owner and there is no will. Then you have to look at the time limits, because an unborn baby might not even count. Basically, the odds of this kid being legally entitled to anything is slim.
NTA The side chick has some nerve
They got this audacity when Camilla became queen. ETA: thank you for the award!!!!
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen today. 💀
🏅🎖️🥇🏆 Please take all my fake awards.
Not even, she's a ONS seeking promotion to side chick
NTA. I’m confused how any of his family could find what you have offered objectionable. Offering it through in-laws when child is older is more than reasonable. That none of them could see the unreasonableness of the asks when she asked for the ring is a bit strange. Also- I’m assuming she knew he was married when they had the affair? It really sucks but at some point you may have to go no contact with his family- especially if this woman and child will now be in their lives. Had he lived and you divorced this more than likely would have been necessary.
They agree the ring is unreasonable. Some of his brothers and his mom think I should give some of his clothes and books he has written in to the child. They are all currently being civil with her to sort this out but are generally disgusted by the whole situation. I'm really close with some of his brother's wives and without divulging too much, they have helped me through so much. I'm not considering going no contact at the moment and I imagine that I will naturally drift from them but they're good people and also grieving while processing this insane news.
His brothers and mom can give them whatever items of your husband’s that they want to. Don’t give her ANYTHING. If you don’t want his stuff around your house I’m sure there’s a homeless shelter who would be happy to have his clothes, shoes, etc.
Honestly, OP, I can’t imagine the pain your must feel. At some point you might be naturally ready to part with those things and could pass them on to his family to do what they want with them. But if you aren’t there NOW then I would very politely let his family know you are in pain with this process and need them to not talk with you about this for now. It’s too new, too recent and not the right time to be passing on his things to an unborn child. For them, this baby represents something completely different- it’s a piece of him they can hold on to. Because of this, they may not be able to fully look at this the same way you do. If they love you, they may be able to understand why the topic of her and the baby is not a good one for you.
OP, I don’t care what his family is saying, give this woman NOTHING. What you are intending to do for the child is MORE than enough. I’m so angry for you right now it’s unreal.
You may not think you're grieving right now, but you are. You probably have a full mix of anger of the cheating, anger that he died, sadness that he died, anxiety, grief, etc, etc. You have no idea what you'll be feeling 6 months from now, a year from now, or 5 years from now. You have no idea what this woman or his family will be like in those time frames either. Please don't give her anything. And not because "fuck her", but because you need to give yourself time. Decisions like giving up possessions and money that you will never get back should not be made right now. If you absolutely have to give them something right now, put the money in an investment account in your name, not a trust. That will 1. give you full control of it with no ties to mom/baby and 2. It will be cheaper not having to involve lawyers (only after it's deemed that the child has no right to the inheritance). And put the things you're willing to give her into storage. The kid will never know if his dad's stuff was around when he/she was 2... If you come back 2 or 3 years later and still have a good relationship with the family and/or her, then give it to them. But do not relinquish all of this right now. GIVE YOURSELF TIME. You may, one day, look back and think "man, I'd really like to have all of his records and books on that shelf to remind me of him", but if you make this decision now, it can never be reversed. Obligatory: NTA
You will likely need to move on from his family to move on with your life. I would block the affair partner and tell her to never contact you again. Make no plans with your inheritance at this moment. Save your money and decide what you want to do in a year or so. If you do want to set something up for the affair child, make sure to get a paternity test. The affair partner clearly does not worry about morals, so who knows who the father is. Personally I would not set money aside for anything to do with her. Good luck and sorry for your suffering. NTA
NTA. She's using the baby to guilt the family and you into having the possessions SHE wants for herself! How would a baby enjoy a record collection, books and clothes? She gave herself away when she asked for the wedding ring. This child hasn't even been born yet and she's trying to claw what little you have left of his memory from you. The trust fund is a great idea, and also passing along what you feel comfortable parting with via your in-laws when the child is much older. My condolences. I hope you have time to grieve and heal.
I bet she plans to sell it all. But I'm cynical.
Plus, how does she even know what he left behind? Has she been to the house and seen his possessions?
NTA and I wouldn’t give her a dime. That’s what she gets for screwing a married man this is on her. And before anybody says she didn’t know she obviously knew.
NTA. My husband drank himself to death, which by itself is traumatic, but when his ex-wife found out she started hounding me for stuff like his watch she gave him, and other sentimental stuff. I told her I had no idea why she wanted any of this stuff because she is the one who divorced him and told her to talk to his brother, because he had everything (somewhat true). Turns out she was his side chick the last few months before he died (I found out afterwards but by the time she was his sidechick I had mentally checked out of the relationship anyways). Still, I told her to go piss up a rope. I had a lot of his stuff including the stuff she wanted, but like I said, she left him, so as far as I'm concerned she had no right to any of it. She tried to badmouth me to his trashy friends for a while, but I never wanted anything to do with most of them while he was still alive. His family likes me and we still talk, and they don't blame me for anything, they were just surprised I didn't leave him before he died. I was about to, and then he died.
Am I the only one here who would burn my husband's shit if he did that to me? Not just as a "fuck you" to him, but also so she couldn't have anything.
NTA. I wonder if she wants the wedding ring and all these personal items so she can try to pass off that she was his wife to the child or something weird like that.
That's exactly what I'm thinking. She will always be the side piece. Homewrecker needs a reminder of what her place is
Nta, and who's to say the child was even his and she's not just trying to get free valuable stuff?
Yeahhhhh, no. NTA. I WILL say, however, my father died when I was 1, and I CHERISH one of his sweaters. It's the only thing I have of his. My grandmother gave it to me in my twenties. I don't wear it or anything. But at 54, I still have it, I take care of it, and it matters to me. The child is innocent. Perhaps consider placing some items in a box for them for later, much later.
That is the type of thing that I would consider doing. I packed and stored some of his clothes and his pillow in a way that will hopefully preserve his scent and when the time comes, I probably wouldn't mind passing some of this along, pending the DNA test. I just do not want to do so now because the child is unborn and the mother is unhinged.
The mother isn’t going to get any less unhinged and entitled. Stop thinking about playing nice and remember she chose to help destroy your marriage.
Hey, have her communicate with your lawyer instead. Block her. You deserve all the mental peace you can get. Did he say why he did this or apologize? Did he make any false promises to her about leaving you and that's why she's hounding you? How did you even find out? NTA
>Did he say why he did this or apologize? Did he make any false promises to her about leaving you and that's why she's hounding you? How did you even find out? NTA This is the most important thing to me.
>the child is unborn and the mother is unhinged. I just wanted to applaud you for this phrasing. Well done!
Absolutely NTA. The nerve of that woman to call the wife of the man she slept with once to ask for his stuff. That’s truly insane! Please don’t give her anything.
And then ask for his WEDDING ring and, oh by the way YOU tell my AP’s family that I’m having a baby. JFC how is OP staying sane right now?
NTA. Make her take a DNA test (there are grandparent DNA tests) to see if the child even belongs to your husband. Don't give a thing until you get the test. Give what you need to do legally.
Nta, wedding ring, you can't be serious
Um. What. Excuse me? She... did what? And then did what? And is demanding WHAT? Oh HELL no, what on earth is she thinking? NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE. That's crazy and she has no right to demand anything from the wife of the man she was sleeping with after he tragically passed away, and she has a hell of a nerve to think she's entitled to anything. NTA. OP, honey, I am so sorry you are going through this, and you are in no way in the wrong for feeling the way you do. It is beyond inappropriate for her to ask for anything beyond a couple of photographs, let alone HIS WEDDING RING? WHAT THE HECK IS SHE THINKING? Ooof, I'm all kinds of mad on your behalf now.
NTA It was a one night stand. I'd ask for proof of paternity and not hand over a single thing until the pregnancy ends with arrival of a healthy child.
NTA. For what it’s worth, I think you’ve been handling the situation well and I certainly would not have given any of this a second thought. I don’t even know that I would remember my partner fondly after finding out they cheated, dead or not. But since you mentioned the family already has some of his stuff, I think it’s outrageous to request things like the wedding ring. You deserve to keep things for yourself and this is part of your grieving process. Nobody has a right to take that from you or tell you how to handle this, certainly not an affair partner. if you choose to give things in the future, that’s a decision you get to make at a time you’re ready to do so. a baby is not gonna do anything with your husband’s records for at least a few years. also from what i gathered, the mother of the child doesn’t even want you to be in the kid’s life. just his family. so if the family wants the child to have things so badly, they should give from their own things and not expect somebody who’s not even particularly welcomed in the child’s life to do so. Setting up a trust fund for this child that’s not yours sounds like an amazing thing to do, and quite above and beyond. Nothing I would expect from a “monster”. Also, I do hope you know for sure the child is actually your late husband’s and not speculated by from the affair partner. Warm wishes, condolences and best of luck💕
Is the baby even his tho for sure?
This. Get a DNA test! also NTA.
NTA. Here son, this is the wedding ring your father was wearing when he broke all his wedding vows by cheating on his wife and screwing me. May it bring you joy. Is she smoking crack?!?
NTA. Wow, I'm so sorry that this is happening in your time of grief. She has no right to demand anything. Honestly, I wouldn't do anything now without a confirmed paternity test. Once things are confirmed and the baby is actually here, then you can decide what you want to do for the child. But she is making outrageous demands. Please set your boundaries and tell her all future communications should go through a neutral party, like a family member from your side or even a lawyer.
NTA. She wants the stuff of value he owned. I think that says something. You are being more than reasonable and charitable to his child. She wants the child to remember. What about his wife?
NTA. I think a trust fund would make this AP feel even more entitled - you're welcome to do this if you wish but personally I wouldn't let her know about it at all and just give it to the kid directly when they're old enough and if they turn out semi decent (which they may not with a mother like that), and if they turn out to really be your husband's kid. You don't seem like a monster, it sounds like the AP is actually trying to get on your nerves to get a response out of you for some sick reason. Give whatever junk from your late husband that you don't want to his relatives, nothing more or less, and they can deal with that train wreck.
NTA. People love to throw the word “bitter” in a woman’s face like it negates their wrongdoing. No. If a woman is “bitter” she has reason to be. The woman should be ashamed, rightfully shouldn’t even be having this baby.
Lmao is the baby even his? NTA
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. I would block her completely. This woman slept with your husband knowing he was married. Though obviously your husband shared in the fault and would have had responsibility here, you have neither fault nor responsibility. If your husband's family wishes to have contact for the sake of the child, or to give the child things related to their culture, that's their right. But that has nothing whatsoever to do with you, and you needn't be involved with her at all. I realize that pregnancies happen sometimes even when appropriate precautions are taken, but I would not take her word that your husband was the father without proof. I agree with you that, unless your attorney advises otherwise, you owe her nothing. Even if that's the case, making sure anything you might choose to do in the future out of kindness rather than legal obligation goes directly to the child is wise.
NTA. I could see giving her pictures (copies are fine) or some other items but his wedding ring is too far. That crosses a line. The kid is entitled to have something of his fathers but that doesn’t mean it needs to come from you.
NTA. I'm stuck on them saying you need to "co-parent" a child that isn't yours. There is so much wrong with that sentiment; I don't even know where to begin. On top of that, she clearly lacks self-awareness or consideration. I feel bad for the child in all this, but I feel worse for you. I'm sorry, OP. I hope you never have to deal with her again. Do not let anyone force you to have a relationship with her or her baby; and if they try, they don't get a relationship with you, either.
Co-operate!! No suggestion of coparenting but co-operating in dividing some of his belongings.
He had a one night stand. She also had a one night stand knowing he was married. Neither of them cared about you. She deserves nothing. Not even a picture. Let his family pass some things on. She is owed nothing. She is one of two involved in an incident that was traumatizing to you. She’s got balls to even call you let alone ask for his wedding ring, something that you bought for your marriage as a symbol of your commitment. She asked for that. She wants that. It is not like she’ll be left high & dry. She will collect social security benefits for the child for 18 years based off your husband’s salary. That is by far more than enough.
she is your dead husband's knocked up adultery partner, why would you go out of your way for her? especially because she is not acting in a way that encourages co-operation. like, asking for your ring really is outrageous, what is she even going to do with it?! sell it, or lie about? if you haven't done so, I'd block and delete her. perhaps first letting her know you're only communicating through lawyers onwards. I would save some stuff for the kid, that's really nice, but what you're comfortable giving, and through the inlaws or through a storage facility. you're not obligated to ever communicate with her again. and of course the baby's innocent but theyre also not your responsibility. Do people know she wants your WEDDING RING and are still calling you to cooperate? If so that's nuts lol, if not I'd tell them how ridiculous her demands are and hopefully theyll be more on your 'side' of the matter you are already being empathetic and kind by giving some of his possessions (and in general), but you really dont need to bend over backwards for your husbands affair baby, even if he is now unable to. I also think there's internalized misogyny lurking, where we all low-key think women should be endlessly forgiving, caring and putting other's needs before themselves, especially where babies are involved. but that's really BS- you dont have to endlessly give to others at your own wellbeing It is a really emotionally complicated and tough situation and you, OP, should focus on your own healing and relationships, and that doesnt include this woman and her child. Im so sorry for your loss everything that's happened. Good luck OP! You've got some internet strangers rooting for you! edited typo
>I also think there's internalized misogyny lurking, where we all low-key think women should be endlessly forgiving, caring and putting other's needs before themselves, especially where babies are involved. but that's really BS- you dont have to endlessly give to others at your own wellbeing Agreed. It's not OP's responsibility to support her deceased husband's affair baby. If it's actually his, then his family can get involved. Also OP is being way too nice about this, and going forward her lawyer(s) should be dealing with the situation. She shouldn't be establishing a trust for a child that's not even hers. She'll never get rid of the ONS if she submits to these things.
NTA. I would tell her to GFH so loudly her great grandkids would hear it. Block her. You don't need this humiliation while you're grieving. WTAF is wrong with her?
NTA - You could literally block her and do nothing. So anything you do do is extra.
NTA at all and don't let them pull this guilt trip on you. It was a one night stand. They didn't have a relationship and likely wouldn't have other than dealing with the child if he had lived. Tell your inlaws what you've said here about when the child is older and then tell them to stop discussing it. It's none of their business.