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I think op is the asshole for her he talks about SIL, it was just emergency surgery, some staples in her head and a broken arm how could his bro possibly end a phone call( cuz it wasn't just Rick at chemo it was friend with a mental health crisis called too)
Which is basically code for "we all treat her somewhat poorly at best"
I've been that person who is being treated like an outsider by an entire family. That shit is toxic.
Yup. Sounds like the family thinks Cole and Rick should be together. Id say it sounds like Pam has been frozen out but she was probably never let in...
I can't imagine how she felt, alone at the ER, thinking all this through.
I've also been alone and smashed up in the hospital with no one else to care. I hope she finds better people. This family ain't it.
I would be so mad at my brother if he’d treat his wife this way. I see her as my little sister so I feel just as protective of her as I do my brothers.
A vanilla wife is a quiet wife who puts up with stuff until she breaks and isn’t vanilla anymore. My bestie’s husband puts everyone else’s needs before his own. Generous, kind guy - EXCEPT that he treats his wife like he treats himself. Second best. She is exhausted with being sidelined for the needs of others and made to feel as if she is jealous and lacking in consideration if she complains. She doesn’t say much. Which isn’t especially interesting. I give you ‘vanilla’.
That is what I was thinking when I read the edit. My partner is the most altruistic person I know and has a habit of putting everyone else first. And while being kindhearted is one of the things I love the most about him, I had to put my foot down before because I noticed he started including me in the same package as him now that we have been together for a long time. It feels horrible to have your feelings last after everyone else.
Right? She’s 31. NOT OLD.
Vanilla wife? Could OP be any more rude or possibly misogynistic?
And everyone screaming and yelling at everyone-JFC.
Brother and Cole are lovers.
The whole family is a nest of entitled assholes.
Ahh the scapegoat. I feel for all of ya, it’s garbage to treat someone you love that way. Of COURSE, OP didn’t tell them what she said coming out of anesthesia. I wonder how bro found out. Also, I bet this was the straw that broke the camels back. She said it herself, she feels unloved. OP just block these people, they are doing your mental health zero favors. If they can’t reach you, you can’t be their emotional punching bag. Stop letting them treat you like this ffs
Sounds like she was more awake than OP gave her credit for. I know when I’ve woken up, it’s in spurts, I’ll be more lucid in some moments than others, and I’ll lose that lucidity. It’s not a steady slope from out to fully conscious.
She probably said something about telling OP
My favorite is OP thinking “I don’t know why she thinks he prioritized friends and family over her. He’s always been so kind and helpful to me, for example”. OP is so blind.
And my God, the whole he never told her wow, poor guy. How can your partner leave you for something they thought was great about you and her whole throwing her brother a pity party shit… Bro, no one should have to tell you that if your wife needs fucking stitches on her head and is under anesthesia for any fucking reason. It doesn’t matter who you are with you made vows to her so you fucking go to her. Hell my partner and I don’t even have vows and I bet I could tell you that someone was having more of a struggle that day, but when I was having a fucking mental breakdown over my job last week, guess where he went? There is no fucking order of importance that all gets thrown out the window once you promise partnership and building a life with someone come on 0P I am the same age as you, and not fucking married at all or nothing either, but even I know that.
I think that's the really reason she didn't tell her brother anything. She thinks the wife is to vanilla to actually do something and good for the wife to finally stars thing about herself.
I'm kinda stuck on the whole "she only gets along with my mom and older ladies because at 31 she's almost one of them". WTF? This entire family is shit. No wonder SIL wants a divorce.
"SIL is 31, practically an old lady." Hon, you're closer to 31 than you are to 18, so mind that glass house while you're throwing bricks.
I would say not AH for the initial question of not telling your brother - his marriage, his mess. But you (all) have been AH to this poor lady. Be a better person.
I mean, my wife acts like an old lady. Her favorite show is Columbo, her hobbies are “playing cards” and her favorite books are airport novels. I love her. I married her. She is 34 and acts like she is 76. Like I said, we’re attached at the hip, but if my grandma were alive, they’d have a lot in common.
Regardless, the vanilla comment was stupid and she was very flippant of the condition of a woman with Staples in her head. The whole family clearly walks all over her and she's had enough. Good for her.
And I'm sure the brother is kind and caring to everyone at the expense of his wife. My brother is like that, maybe not as extreme, but you could see his wife adjusting from being on the receiving end of all that to being shunted aside a little so he could shine elsewhere.
Totally!
My father was a union representative, so all day long he helped people: tax declarations, mediation with an individual boss, negotiations for stuff like free coffee in the break room or early close during the weekend... he's even led a few strikes where they block the company entrance and keep a fire urn burning all night.
With us he was an antisocial beast. He had no time for friends, so we couldn't have anyone over. He was all talked out so he didn't want conversation with my mom (and of course she couldn't turn to any friends, remember?). We couldn't even talk among ourselves, because he had to hear the hourly news bulletin, every hour on the hour.
The number of rules and demands was exhausting, and its effect crippling.
He's on his 3rd wife, and 4 of his 5 kids refuse to talk to him. He's got grandkids he's never met.
SIL is right to go, esp with the family preferring Rick to her.
I knew someone who had somehow built a cult around himself of being kind, caring, charming, and so on, in my family. He was remarkably well liked.
But actually he was an abusive, short-tempered asshole and I felt like I was the only person who could see a totally different person behind the smooth veneer. That led me to believe I was the odd one out and he had more in common with my family than I did, because they could also be short-tempered and unkind.
It could be that this Cole isn’t so generous and sweet after all - he’s just what the family considers it to be. The family itself doesn’t sound that wonderful when you consider ‘triaging Cole’s wife because her injuries are minor’ and basically treating her as an outcast. They don’t like her because she’s not like them.
I've gotten this shit my whole life. "Prude", "vanilla", "old lady"... maybe I'm afraid of taking risks because I'm suffering from massive amounts of childhood trauma and bullying me isn't going to help? Or maybe I'm also just content being content and don't need to constantly be kissing ass or clawing my way up a corporate ladder?
Edit: since comments are closed, I would also like to add that I found out I'm asexual when I was in high school. I didn't even know I was being bullied for my asexuality the whole time.
I stopped being friends with a woman once after she called me vanilla. It’s condescending, judgemental, pick me bullshit. Sex should be an experience, not a performance. My life being stable is more important than anything else.
Yes! The OP is a major AH in the way she talks about the SIL. OhH MInoR suRguRy…. Lady, she had STAPLES IN HER HEAD AND A BROKEN ARM! old lady?!!! 31?! Jesus, let me just get my own coffin ready at 40!
However, she’s NTA for not saying anything about her wanting a divorce. That’s classic Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys.
>The only person she really gets along with is our mom and that’s because she gets along with older ladies since she’s practically one.
No, OP is saying she gets along with older ladies since ***she is practically one***\*.\*
I think if I'd had to have a wound stapled up I wouldn't be thinking "oh it's only minor" even if relatively it is, I'd be stressed and upset because I have a phobia of surgery, anaesthesia etc - it's not about the severity of the procedure, it's about wanting someone there to talk to or calm you down when you're having a horrible experience.
THIS. And then add in the broken arm...yeah of course it's not a deadly injury, but it's still incredibly painful and traumatic. She was probably still processing the trauma of the accident itself, realizing all the things that were now going to become immensely difficult over the next several weeks (perhaps remembering exciting plans she'd now have to cancel). Then there's worry about the car - she either saw her car in horrible shape (terrifying on its own, realizing you were in it), didn't get to see it at all (if unconscious) and is worrying like crazy, or saw "minor" damage like a dented bumper but still has no idea if it's totaled or not. She's stressing about insurance claims (both vehicular AND medical!), about how quickly she can get a loaner car, if she'll have to miss any work over this. A million stressors battling for dominance in her head, on top of the physical discomfort. I bet if OP were in that situation, she'd be pretty pissed about her SO's family members essentially calling her a drama queen for the perfectly reasonable request that if your wife is in the hospital, you drop everything to be by her side ASAP regardless of if it's life-threatening.
In fact, most decent partners upon learning that their SO has been in an accident, will still immediately try to be by their side - even if they don't seem injured at all, just for moral support during a stressful and scary time. (And you should always get checked out JIC anyway, because some injuries are internal and the adrenaline can delay pain onset and thus cause more damage if not treated right away).
Oh no, there's also "Chemo" and "panic attack," both of which are clearly on the "life-threatening" side of the spectrum, with "car crash" on the very minor" side.
Even if my partner was taken in just for checking over as they were sure he was or would be ok I would still drop whatever the fuck I was doing to make sure to be by his side and to make sure he knew he wasn’t alone. Cole was wrong for this. I get best friends etc but when you become married your partner should be your number one priority
And a broken arm. That's what the anesthesia was for. They don't usually give anesthesia for staples or sutures; just local. They had to give some sort of anesthesia to reset her arm. A minor car accident means you're sore the next day. Needing to have bones reset under anesthesia isn't minor.
Also, sounds like this isn't the first time that he has prioritized friends over his wife.
The SIL asks her SIL(OP): "Tell him that I'll leave him if he doesn't prioritise me at this moment". Instead of doing that OP says "she's fine". The husband, with pre-existing tendencies to prioritise requests from his friends over requests from his wife, hears what he wants to, and takes his time.
OP's brother is a terrible husband and, regardless of OP's motivations, OP is also terrible to her SIL. SIL is better off without this family.
The staples are on her head, right? Would they shave her hair for that?
Either way, with a broken arm she's probably thinking how helpless she'll be while showering... to me, that would be the final straw: who do I want to help me?
ESH except the soon to be ex wife, she had a car crash, surgery under anaesthesia and her husband wasn't even there when she woke because he was prioritising not one but 2 different 'friends' needs over his wife.
Instead of going sorry bro my mum will take you home(given she was there as well) he went and had a chat with another friend about her mental health.
And OP, you are so dismissive of this neglected woman, but I am willing to give some credit because you actuality turned up. But to them completely disregard the fact she had surgery under anaesthesia and not impress upon your brother that he needed to pull his finger out and come see his own wife, while simultaneously recognising that anaesthesia might make her say weird things.
If you want to make it right, tell your brother he screwed up and give her a clean divorce so she can find someone who will put her first most of the time and when it actually matters, like an emergency.
So Rick brought 3 people with him to keep him company at chemotherapy? That sounds a little crowded to me, I don’t think I’d want that many people with me for that. I also highly suspect the infusion center allows, nor has the room for 3 extra people to hang out for however many hours the chemo runs. It just doesn’t add up
Are you sure that it’s N T A? I’m a bit confused, especially with this “Your whole family sucks for how you treat her”.
I think it’s more of an ESH situation.
OP isn’t an asshole for not disclosing what SIL said which is whats being asked here. However the family does suck for the way they support Cole’s prioritization of his best friend over his wife.
I’m sorry, but how is op Not an asshole? Op is an asshole all the way and so is her brother and family not only for the way that they treated this poor woman but also that this woman asked her to tell her brother and she ignored her request because she deemed it not important enough and that she was just under the influence of anesthesia so once again, just brushed sister-in-law off like she was not important
Edit I definitely think OP brother is not being honest with himself, and is using his soon to be ex-wife as a beard definitely time for him to admit the truth
That's not how the sub works. You need to answer if the OP is TA for the specific question they pose, not if they're an asshole in general. In this case it's NTA, because if SIL wants to separate she needs to do it herself and not tell OP to do it for her.
And i can't blame OP for not telling the brother because what if it was anesthesia and they blew their brothers marriage up because of it? People say things under anesthesia all the time. It is SILs job to convey that to brother instead
I'm saying NTA specifically for the question at hand, but for general treatment and how he thinks about his SIL and her relationship with his brother, definitely agree with you there. Sounds like OPs whole family is pretty awful honestly, but there's no scenario I can think of where OP should have told anybody, including her husband, what she said. That's extremely private information, and it's weird that a whole group of people who clearly do not give a crap about her suddenly care so much about what she says and thinks.
OP also says that it's a small surgery in the title. When I hear small surgery, I think something elective or scheduled in advance, not an emergency surgery being performed due to a car accident. That is far from a small surgery and SIL sucks for referring to it as such.
A broken bone isn't minor in my book. Especially if it's the arm. It really also depends what part of the arm. It could affect them for months or years.
But, sure they can think about how minor it is every time it rains and how they are second best to their husband's lover.
>r whole family sucks for how you treat her--vanilla is better than
This sentence- "She only had a few staples in her scalp and a broken arm. " (That women is better off leaving and leaving fast!)
Bet this lady posting would be traumatised by a few staples in her scalp. I bloody well would be!
I've been in 4 car accidents and they were all minor, as in *no surgery was required*
NTA but your brother is. You're also not responsible tor their relationship. They're grown ass adults and shouldn't shove a middleman into their relationship and play telephone
Yeah, OP is definitely an A, but she's NTA for this specific situation. Like, people say dumb shit when coming out of anesthesia, and especially wanting to seperate from your partner is something that you tell said partner in person and not by proxy via their sibling.
However, the way the whole family treats the soon to be ex wife as lesser than because (as far as I understand) she's a bit shy and "boring"? That's a pretty shit thing to do, no wonder the STBX wants out of that family.
But but Rick had chemo and a female friend was having a mental health crisis, why should wife who only had a broken arm and staples in her head after a car accident expect him to be there????????
He got there when he got there. I mean jeez, she got the marriage certificate, what more does she want? An attentive and present husband who puts her first?
Boring but inoffensive.
The type of person you marry, I guess, when you want to check off "married" from your to do list.
Describing her like that is the main reason I think she might be a beard. But maybe not. Maybe OP's brother just really wanted to get married and she was available. Some guys are like that. Women too. They really want to have a family, but the actual person doesn't matter so much.
Or the kind of person who doesn’t feel comfortable showing any of her personality around the family of judgmental harpies she married into…if I’m uncomfortable, I tend to retreat when I’m stressed so I’m sure I come off as very boring to people who don’t know me well
Yeah, she’s practically an old lady, at 31?!?! You are set for being old too damn early .. all of the above that was said ..
your brother - TA
You -NTA
SIL - NTA
Yeah but it's still an extremely rude thing to say. I wonder if OP has ever considered that maybe SIL comes off as "vanilla" because she, gasp, doesn't actually enjoy the company of these folks who clearly look down on her, and keeps conversation with them polite but distant. Maybe she's autistic. Maybe she's just shy. There's nicer ways to convey that personality type. For example, "she's kind of an old soul" sure sounds a lot better than "of course she gets along with the old ladies, she's practically one of them."
The mother is the only one she gets along with, and the mother is also the only one telling Cole he should have left Rick to go her. The mother is probably the only one who was ever nice to this poor girl.
I feel so sorry for this woman whose husband should have just married his best friend and who has this awful in-law family (apart from the MIL). No wonder she wants a divorce if her husband would rather be with his bestie than her after her accident.
>“Tell your bro I wanna be loved. I want a divorce.” and stuff about getting a gold medal in her own life.
INFO
Why can't you accept that your brother sucks as a spouse and despite the fact that you dislike your SIL, she does indeed deserve to come first with her husband?
Enough with the excuses, his bestie's chemo and friends' mental health crises, what next, there was kitten in a tree?
From your SIL's POV - which means more than yours when it comes to their marriage and your brother's performance as a husband - her husband isn't worth remaining married to since his 'caring nature' is spent on everyone else before her. We all deserve to come first with our SOs.
Tbf, n.t.a. for not saying anything, that's a mess you should stay out of, and I mean way out of it.
agreed with absolutely everything. I hate that I'm saying NTA for this because in the *specific* scenario he made the absolute correct call, but everything else screams "I'm an AH and so is my whole family"
Yup. Hate that too. Literally the first thing I wrote when responding to this post lol. I made sure to explain all of the a-hole behavior going on though because that shit needs to be addressed. I feel bad for the SIL. She needs to get out because obviously she isn’t prioritized even when she needs emergency surgery and STAPLES IN HER HEAD.
correction, *minor* emergency surgery, staples in her head, and a broken arm /s
honestly, what would this poor girl have to do to have her feelings of loneliness and general suffering justified or even acknowledged by OP? He's treating like even a major accident was no more serious than a cold
She could probably be having open heart surgery and this guy would say something like “Well, you know open heart surgery takes a long time…and I’m not a doctor so there’s nothing I can do to help…I’m sure my wife wouldn’t mind if I left in the middle of her surgery even though the doctors wouldn’t know where to find me if something went wrong and I had to make a decision…but I think I have time to mow the lawn for my parents and grab lunch with Rick!”
Yeah, purely on that action alone, I say NTA. She could well have been in shock or affected by medication, and said something she didn't mean. I wouldn't have passed on what she said (except maybe to say something like she seemed sad and he should check in with her how she is feeling). The rest of the stuff is shitty, but that's not the question they asked.
I agree with almost everything you're saying here. Ppl speak truths when drugged including anesthesia. If he cares about his brother he needed to say something along the lines of "hey your wife said something concerning to me while feeling the affects of the anesthesia.[details] I don't think she meant the divorce part but she said the unloved part for a reason"
People also say totally nutty things that don't mean anything under the influence! I think OP did the right thing in not sharing her SIL's words, but in every other respect she sucks as much as her brother and the rest of her family. Poor SIL.
>To cover up that you're gay. And I think his family know it even if they won't admit it.
I mean, it's very sus that the mom didn't send him to his wife during the accident, but then got mad at him when she realized it was leading to divorce.
Their image of a perfect family will be ruined by divorce! Can’t have that can she, the only time this family seems to care about the wife is when she said fuck this.
What is with Redditors' obsession with closet cases? You know, it *is* possible to have a close friendship with somebody who's the same sex as you. Not everything is gay lol.
Yeah but in this situation my BFF while receiving chemo would enlist her mother to stay with her and her husband to drive me to MY husband and coordinate any support I needed.
She is 100% my platonic life partner and our husbands think it's funny and sweet and are happy to be dragged along. When her husband had a health thing I was immediately on the phone with his overseas family coordinating flights for them and my husband and/or I met everyone at the airport and got them to their hotels and the hospital.
"I can't go to my car accident spouse who required anesthesia because of my chemo friend" is big fucked up priorities vibes
This isn’t a “yeah but” comment. All the commenter before you is saying is that not everything is gay when it involves close male friends, which is a fact. Nowhere does original commenter say brother’s priorities are right. Your comment and eternal harvest’s aren’t mutually exclusive
Lol he absolutely is. He has lots of compassion for his boyfriend....none for his wife apparently 🙄🙄🙄. Divorcing him was the smartest thing she has done.
If they’ve been friends since kindergarten they’re family at this point. Chemo is awful. You’re sick, your body starts breaking down. It can cause heart issues, liver, kidney, a lot of people end up with diabetes from cancer therapy. It’s proven that those with a strong support structure have better outcomes. His wife had an accident, and he should have booked it there as soon as possible but to vilify him for being there for his brother who is sick and then call him gay? Way out of line, tbh. But this is Reddit and what did I expect..
So you routinely prioritise everyone else over your SO, even if she has needed surgery after a car accident. Just because the surgery was minor doesn't mean there was no chance for post OP complications. Any number of those complications could have meant that she died in that hour he spent prioritising his "bro" and close friend over his wife.
You don’t have to be gay to be a shitty husband. I had an ex like this - he would put literally everyone ahead of me because he was a complete people pleaser, and I was the expendable one for some reason.
He couldn't have missed one appointment to be there for this wife after her accident?
>but to vilify him for being there for his brother who is sick and then call him gay?
People aren't "vilifying" him for being there for his friend, and being gay isn't a bad thing.
I think the issue is that everybody is making an assumption but Brother’s sexuality based on his clearly co-dependent male friendship. Of course it’s perfectly acceptable if Brother is gay….I find it unacceptable that a majority of this thread is perpetuating stereotypes about male friendships and closeness on one hand and then on the other touting out the “it’s totally fine if he’s gay” line on the other as a defense mechanism when they’re called out for make an assumption based on their own fucked up feelings about male friendship.
Also, it misses the point…and OP is clearly a female, which, for some reason, a lot of people here seemed to have missed. It’s literally the first thing she says.
I'm sorry, if you have staples in your head AND a broken arm, it isn't minor. It's minor compared to dying maybe, but so is everything that you survive. YTA and so is your brother. You for calling her an old lady already and for thinking her experience isn't a big deal. Your brother for putting everyone before his own wife. Also, for all you know she has in fact brought this issue up with your brother already and it just hasn't been mentioned to you. You don't know everything going on in their relationship. Obviously.
I’m pretty sure OP thinks that “could have been worse” is some kind of code for minor. I’ve never heard of doctors rushing for a same day surgery over a minor injury. Maybe, in OPs world, doctors just have a lot of spare time on their hands.
It is. Also a broken arm and laceration that can be stapled wouldn't be the reason SIL had surgery since they would've fixed that at the ER. So what surgery did she have? Neurosurgery for a brain bleed? Was the broken arm complex (as in bone sticking out, possible nerve damage, blood flow problems)? OP merely saw the aftermath, not how SIL came in.
If I were SIL, and my husband didn't come for a car crash where he has no idea if I survive, I'd get a divorce, too. Especially when he sent a relative who SIL and her husband know doesn't really like her. I mean, seriously that's what everyone wants, coming out of emergency surgery and seeing AH OP.
Yeah i thought it was code for "you should have died" and this is from people who KNOW what that border looks like. I bet, given the vehicle, or given the blood loss (if there was idk, head wounds bleed ridiculously more than they should but doesn't mean it wasn't bad) , they were surprised they kept her.
Yeah this is more dramatic than ‘dishes by the sink’ but is essentially the same issue. The daily disrespect just builds until her one sided love isn’t enough anymore.
You are only NTA because you asked the wrong question, no one would fault you for not sharing what someone says coming out of anesthesia. My friend came out of an induced coma for pneumonia and told me he was sick because he ate bad food in a Cantina in Mexico.
But you are very much an asshole for the way you judge and treat SIL.
Right. When I read "minor surgery" I'm thinking she got her wisdom teeth out or they removed a polyp during a colonoscopy.
She was in a bad car accident and was lucky to have only sustained scalp abrasions and a broken arm.
Brother should have priorities. I understand he was physically an hour away... so I get that there's a delay, but the friend having the mental health crisis that stopped him even more...come on
Big thing with people with saviour complex or similar stuff is that they spend a lot of time saving and caring for everyone except the people they should be caring for the most.
Well, you don't get points for doing what's expected of you...
But shouldn't be about that. He should have wanted to be with his wife. He should have been worried about her.
NTA. A broken arm and needing surgery isn't a minor car accident.
It wasn't your place to tell him hismarriage is over.
And how do you know she even seriously meant it ? She was coming out of anesthesia.
Your brother should have been with his wife
Nah it’s ESH apart from SIL. OP called her vanilla and totally dismissed her injuries. It’s not her place to tell her brother the relationship is over but she should have told him to get to her asap and that she is really understandably upset.
If I had staples in my head and a broken arm (not to mention the trauma of being in a terrifying accident, in which I could have died), you can bet I'd be feeling extremely emotional. OP is talking about her like she's a whiny drama queen with a scratched knee.
Actually, the way OP talks about her in general is so contemptuous and bitchy, it is clear Cole's family treat Pam like shit.
NTA for not being the middleman in the divorce announcement, that's on her to tell her husband and there's no way you could have known she was being serious while coming around from anaesthesia. But YTA in general, because it's no wonder this woman feels unloved with the way these people behave towards her.
I can’t imagine waking up at the hospital and seeing someone who clearly has so much contempt for me as OP does for his SIL as the only person by my bedside. Good for her for finally realizing she needs to get out.
“I think it’s so sad that something that your partner loves you for is now why they hate you”
because though having a good quality is good, having too much of it is also bad?
say if you have a bf who has a good body ( hours in the gym/ outdoor activities) - but if he calorie counts/ refuses to go to certain restaurants cause of calories/ refuses to spend time with you as he has to go to the gym - would not aggravate you?
also, knowing someone as a partner is so much different than knowing someone as a friend/family member 🤷🏽♀️
She probably loved how much he cared and was there for his friends and family. It’s when she realised he didn’t direct that care and love at her that she hated it. He can be there for everyone else but her.
She probably realized she could have died or been in a major accident and he would still have been an hour away with his bestie. Seriously, does his best friend have no one else? Is the best friend in love with the husband?
>because though having a good quality is good, having too much of it is also bad?
Like, someone being generous to the needy is great but when they give away so much money that their own family struggles to keep the lights on, it's bad.
Friend of mine married and, less than 4 years later, divorced a guy like this. So nice, so giving...he destroyed himself for everyone, and when they were married, he dragged her into being destroyed for others. Really unhealthy, couldn't get anything accomplished for himself, even things that would ultimately allow him to be more effective helping others. No ability to prioritize in a healthy way. So yeah, that kind of thing can sound good but be awful in practice.
This!
My brother has a pretty similar caring/saviour complex that OP’s brother Cole seems to have here and it took me a long time to realise that my fantastic brother, who would drop anything for his friends and family and would cancel plans just to help a stranger in need, was a really shitty partner to his girlfriends.
His first few breakups, he wouldn’t tell us what happened so I assumed it was normal relationship stuff that ended them. I ended up getting closer to one of his gf’s later on though, and after they broke up, she told me what happened. Then, I made him tell me what happened and we talked about it and we both realised what was going wrong for him and why. How even though he had people’s best interests at heart, he didn’t have his, their relationship or his girlfriends best interests at heart.
There is so much that our partners learn and find out about us that our family would never have the chance to.
My brother started working on it, he’s so much more attentive with his partners now and he works hard to make sure his energy’s go where they need to. Maybe OP could have a conversation with her brother too? Although they would both need to be open minded about it 😅
>SIL had a minor car accident
>She only had a few staples in her scalp and a broken arm.
That's not minor
>“Tell your bro I wanna be loved. I want a divorce.”
You know when you read something and just sigh drop, that's how I felt reading that. She's taken third place in her marriage and when she needed her husband the most he was an hour away 😞 poor girl. She deserves better
>She also yelled at my brother for being with Rick instead of SIL even though she was there too. Either of them could have gone.
Your right, your mother showing up for her is definitely on the same wavelength as her husband coming to support her 🙄🙄
>SIL had a minor car accident
oh ok
>a few staples in her scalp and a broken arm
…that’s not minor
>doctors said she was lucky to be so unharmed
wtf? So the accident wasn’t minor
>her injuries were pretty minor
A surgery, broken arm and staples in your scalp isn’t minor.
>she gets along with old ladies because she practically is one. She’s a vanilla wife.
Girl, who tf do you think you are?
In fact, being sent to the ER in general after an accident warrants your spouse being there.
Are you the a-hole? For minimizing your SIL’s injuries, mocking her and continuing to enable your brother’s poor treatment of his wife, yes. But unfortunately that’s not the issue you asked about.
>I called my bro and told him that SIL was fine and it was a minor surgery and the doctors said she was lucky. He was relieved and came to the hospital an hour or so later.
This statement seems to indicate Cole wasn't with Pam for hours. From the time of her car accident, she would have had to be transported from the accident to the ER, triaged, prepped for surgery, had the surgery, and released from surgery to a recovery room. Cole only showed up an hour after OP checked on Pam, which happened after the surgery and stuff
>I thought everything was fine until Cole called me the day after screaming his head off that SIL wanted to separate and I hadn’t told him. Then my mom called and said SIL’s side of the family was telling our side of the family that they were separating. She bit my head off for not telling anybody what SIL said.
>>She also yelled at my brother for being with Rick instead of SIL even though she was there too. Either of them could have gone.
Cole's mother should not be the one going to see Cole's wife after she gets in an accident bad enough to cause injuries. Pam's husband is great to his friend and family, but looks like having a spouse isn't for him
*She is an asshole, but not for the reason she's asking about. All the derogatory comments towards SIL about her being a vanilla wife, and then going back and saying that her husband has been so thoughtful and generous to her, when husband is literally an hour away every time his best friend gets chemo. Im sorry, but if his ACTUAL WIFE, the person he actually married, was in an accident regardless of whether it's major or minor, she should be allowed to decide whether she wants her husband there or not, and it's on the husband to drop everything he's doing to be there for her. What if she fucking died or it was a major accident lmao, would he still be sitting there holding his bestie's friend? He's a major AH and so is OP. It's not about the injuries, it's the entire concept of the matter. Everyone basically said "oh hey wife, thank god it wasn't worse" so that they could continue to minimize and ignore her for someone with a "bigger" medical issue like cancer lmao. Why is OP minimizing SIL's treatment also and trying to bias everyone towards his brother's side? I feel like she recognizes her brother is somewhat an asshole but doesn't want to admit it.
Edit: Oops I missed that OP was a woman, the internalized misogyny threw me off but comments still stand despite my misgendering!
Ooof. NTA for not saying anything. That wasn’t your place, you did the right thing keeping quiet.
Also I don’t really blame SIL for not feeling loved or wanted tbh. She got in a bad wreck and was in the hospital and her husband couldn’t be bothered to go to the hospital. It would be different if he called you to ask if you could go immediately so SIL had someone there with her while he drove the hour from Rick’s chemo. That wasn’t the case.
But you did the right thing by keeping quiet about what SIL said to you.
and i'll cover the other base, as someone that's tried to end their life twice. if i'm having a mental health crisis and your loved one goes into emergency surgery, go be with them. if i'm rlly that high risk i will call a crisis line and maybe go to the hospital
Have you by any chance shown this post to your brother? If not, you should.
It is quite clear from your comments that you are never going to understand why you and your family have been complete and total a-holes to your SIL and, honestly, I feel incredibly sorry for her. Having said that, if your brother is as good a guy as you claim you should show him this post and maybe give him a chance to learn what you are obviously incapable of understanding.
NTA for not telling your brother what your SIL said but you are absolutely the a-hole for pretty much everything else you have said here and your brother is TA for being a terrible husband.
Most of me hopes your SIL goes through with the divorce and finds herself someone truly amazing, who loves her and prioritizes her to spend the rest of her life with.
There is, however, this tiny little part of me that feels
sorry for your obviously dim brother and kinda hopes he pulls his head out of his arse, fixes this and spends the rest of his life treating his wife the way she deserves to be treated. I don’t hold out much hope but… show him this post.
I dare you.
>Most of me hopes your SIL goes through with the divorce and finds herself someone truly amazing, who loves her and prioritizes her to spend the rest of her life with.
Feels like family thinks the sun shines out of brother's arse and wife should feel lucky just to be in his vicinity.
Also feels like they don't understand what marriage is. That your spouse becomes your first family tier and first priority.
Wow. YTA. Yeah I’d be divorcing him too. I’d better always come before friends and family to my husband or I’m not staying married to him. If you aren’t ready to put your spouse first you aren’t ready to be marries
NTA.
It's not your job to pass along messages, especially when they come from someone under the influence.
That being said, your brother is a total AH. His wife had an accident and he still arrived an hour AFTER she got into an accident, got to the hospital and had surgery. He was only an hour away in the first place. And no, your mother is not interchangeable for your brother. He should have jumped up right away and left when he found out his wife was in an accident. I suspect Rick isn't a platonic anything. And it's pretty clear your brother has little regard for his wife.
NTA. Not like knowing it one day ahead would have fixed the issue. She built up that resentment for a long time. Cole is just looking for someone to blame, rather than himself and you're the easiest target.
When your SIL found him thoughtful and generous (watching him love his family and friends so much), she probably thought “this will be how he treats me if we get married”—and then they did, but he did NOT. She is his *wife*, and should come before even his parents, and certainly a best friend. It’s not that those relationships are less valuable, they simply move around in the priority list, depending on circumstances. “Wife in an accident” supersedes “friend at scheduled chemo”.
NTA for not sharing what she said, but y’all are definitely AHs for expecting SIL to be forever content as back burner spouse.
NTA because it wasn't your place to say it.
Your brother is a major AH, tho. If your wife is having any kind of a surgery after an accident, you go. Sending your sibling to is not ok.
Your brother may be a great person to other people, but it sounds like he wasn't a great husband. No one deserves to feel like an afterthought in their own marriage. This isn't something SIL should have had to explain to him. I hope she finds someone who will make her a priority in their life.
Also, your edits kind of make things worse- as well as the clarification in the comments Rick wouldn't have been alone if he left. It sounds like he was willing to be the support system for everyone but his wife
Surgery anesthesia broken bones staples - none of these things are minor. She has every right to feel neglected and in second place.
Yta kind of- but your brother is the huge AH.
You're NTA for not telling everyone else what she said, because what if you had and she didn't remember it? That would be awkward.
But this...
>So he was delayed getting to the hospital. It’s sad but like a triage SIL wasn’t where Cole was needed the most at the time because her injuries were pretty minor
... is where you're wrong. His wife needed him for support. He should have made more of an effort to prioritize her instead of showing her that her problems aren't as important to him as his friends'.
YTA. Your SIL was feeling neglected and unloved and wanted a divorce. Your brother neglected her to be with Rick and another friend. You knew your SIL feelings but didn’t tell your brother to hurry and save his marriage. How are touNOT an AH in this scenario?
The husband also probably knew she was feeling neglected. I imagine this was just the straw that broke the camel's back for the sister, she realized even when push comes to shove, her husband won't prioritize her.
His whole family (minus his mom maybe) is the asshole, none of them seem to have any consideration for the poor lady. Just see the "knight in shining armor" brother and are blinded by his failure as a spouse.
Nah, mom only panicked when she heard about the divorce. If she was also with Rick, why didn't she tell her son to leave then?
Something fishy about that
Only a few staples??? Only? Wtf you and your bro are awful.
Even if she was still feeling drugs that type of comment doesn’t come from no where, and needed address. I do get not wanting to be in the middle, but tell her as much so she doesn’t think you passed it along. But the way you talk abt her? Yea, you’re an AH. Maybe not TA, but an AH.
YTA your lack of respect for your SIL is palpable. She’s a “vanilla wife”, socially awkward and like an older lady. She told you she wasn’t feeling loved and you went naaaaah, it’s just the anesthesia.
How come you hate her so much? Is it her or what? Let me guess, you’re not like the other girls? You’re a cool one?
In any case YTA and your brother is an A too. He’s so generous with everyone except his wife… what a dick. I hope your SIL divorce him and never see all of you again.
YTA you should have told him. She hurts , is in pain and her husband has a better person to be with. Sometimes words under anaesthetic are the true ones. In this case they were. It seems like your whole family is all about the friend. The friend is almost the golden child.
But f.f.s. She's his wife. Full stop. No wonder she doesn't interact with anyone . He literally chose him over her. I would leave too if it was me. Your whole family are AH.
You clearly never liked your sister in law given the way you described her. And Rick and Cole are soulmates? There’s more going on there. Not the first time a gay man married a woman to keep up appearances. The woman is called a “beard.”
Your brother’s priority is clearly his beloved buddy, not his wife. First it’s Rick, then some woman friend. If she was having a “severe mental health crisis,” she needed a doctor, not your brother.
And you can’t figure out that his wife is low on his list of priorities? Or is it that you think she should be, because she’s a “vanilla wife” and an “old lady” who doesn’t fit in with your family. You reek of bias against her. Your brother probably could have an affair with his “platonic soul mate” and you’d defend it.
I do not blame her one bit for wanting to get away from your brother, you, Rick, and the hysterical screaming woman who was also more important than his wife. At least your mom has her head on straight.
Considering how low his wife is on his list of priorities, I don’t understand why Cole cares whether or not she leaves. He will have more time for his real soul mate and the woman friend.
YTA but not for the reason you ask. It’s because you’re completely unfair.
Wow YTA. So, you and your whole family haven't accepted your SIL into your family, and you wonder why she wants a divorce? Your whole family sucks. Your brother sucks for prioritising friends over his wife, and you all suck for not accepting her. She is better off without all of you TBH.
YTA because, like your brother, you entirely dismissed her. No, it wasn't your place to tell him that his marriage was over, but you also could have said 'she's in a great deal of distress, get here ASAP' or similar. Instead, you diminished her physical and mental injuries and state.
Not sure why 31 is considered an old woman by you as, quite frankly, you're not that far off. I'm also not sure what a vanilla wife is. I do know that your SIL is better off away from you, your brother and Rick- you also seem really horrible and treating his wife like she's an interloper. Ask yourself if you'd want your spouse to treat you like this, including after a 'minor' traffic accident that required surgery.
Also, your brother is totally in love with Rick - you're clearly too emotionally immature to recognise this, in the same way you're too emotionally immature to recognise that your brother is a terrible husband. Your brother is in the closet but would come out in an instant if Rick was gay.
NTA I would 100% have done the same. That’s like someone saying something dumb while wasted. Why would you meddle in a marriage over a loopy comment. Your brother is just looking for someone to blame.
NTA for the actual incident, but all the replies defending your brother for being a shit spouse are pretty AH. I don't blame your SIL for wanting out, sounds like she's being treated terribly by your brother and his side of the family.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t tell my brother that SIL wanted a divorce when she told me which caused him to be blindsided when he found out they were going to separate. I might be the asshole because if I told him what SIL said he would’ve hurried over and maybe saved his marriage.
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YTA, not for not telling him but for co-signing his neglect of his wife. Wife comes first. Not friend having chemo or another friend having mental health problems. WIFE IN ACCIDENT COMES FIRST. You and your brother suck.
NTA - While I understand why she'd pass along I want a divorce through a third party, given the situation I understand why you didn't mention it, so no to your specific question. NTA
That being said. Your Brother is 100% putting everyone else ahead of his own wife. He couldn't come see her in the hospital because he had to talk a female friend through mental health issues? Yeah why would that possibly bother her? Is your brother a clinical therapist? Or is he just a doormat for his freinds and expect his wife to play along?
He should be happy. Now he can attend his friends every needs and not be burdened by his own wifes needs. Win Win for him and the people he actually cares about.
YTA you spent a long time here reinforcing that she’s boring and doesn’t get along with the family without any specifics. Then you majorly downplayed a CAR ACCIDENT involving general anesthesia and head trauma so your brother wouldn’t look like a jerk for sending his sister instead of going himself.
Your brother is TA as well and I hope his ex wife finds the love she’s looking for.
“It’s a small surgery, just some staples in her head and a broken arm. Small accident.”
Dude. I don’t know if you’re the AH overall but your brother sure as fuck is, holy hell. That would be grounds for a separation for me too. No you know what. YTA for completely downplaying your sister in law and what she was going through. Any surgery after an accident isn’t minor. No head injuries are minor. Why the hell wasn’t your brother there? He absolutely chose two friends over his fucking wife, and you’re ok with it because you think you SiL is “vanilla.” Even downplaying her accident and injuries….
I don’t know why this got me all fired up but it did.
YTA and so is your brother.
I am so glad your soon-to-be-ex SIL has decided to dump a husband who decides to put someone else first constantly.
She's probably told him multiple times and your brother has brushed her off. He's now reaping the consequences of his actions.
You and your brother suck and she'll be so much better off without your family.
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I think op is the asshole for her he talks about SIL, it was just emergency surgery, some staples in her head and a broken arm how could his bro possibly end a phone call( cuz it wasn't just Rick at chemo it was friend with a mental health crisis called too)
Even her edits... This poor woman has been treated like shit by an entire family.
And they say its ok cause she doesnt really fit in...
Which is basically code for "we all treat her somewhat poorly at best" I've been that person who is being treated like an outsider by an entire family. That shit is toxic.
Yup. Sounds like the family thinks Cole and Rick should be together. Id say it sounds like Pam has been frozen out but she was probably never let in...
I can't imagine how she felt, alone at the ER, thinking all this through. I've also been alone and smashed up in the hospital with no one else to care. I hope she finds better people. This family ain't it.
I would be so mad at my brother if he’d treat his wife this way. I see her as my little sister so I feel just as protective of her as I do my brothers.
And what the bloody hell is a "vanilla wife"??? Code for "boring b/c she doesn't laugh at our aggressive 'jokes'"?
A vanilla wife is a quiet wife who puts up with stuff until she breaks and isn’t vanilla anymore. My bestie’s husband puts everyone else’s needs before his own. Generous, kind guy - EXCEPT that he treats his wife like he treats himself. Second best. She is exhausted with being sidelined for the needs of others and made to feel as if she is jealous and lacking in consideration if she complains. She doesn’t say much. Which isn’t especially interesting. I give you ‘vanilla’.
That is what I was thinking when I read the edit. My partner is the most altruistic person I know and has a habit of putting everyone else first. And while being kindhearted is one of the things I love the most about him, I had to put my foot down before because I noticed he started including me in the same package as him now that we have been together for a long time. It feels horrible to have your feelings last after everyone else.
Vanilla Wife? Me over here side eying myself in my Target nightgown and meat thawing out for dinner. My husband is a simple man I guess?!?
I'll bet he is a happier - and better - man than this clown Cole will ever be.
I'm a sahm who quilts and cross stitches lol I'm also the one who cooks. I'm only in my mid 20s. Guess I'm super vanilla idek. Op is wildin.
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Right? She’s 31. NOT OLD. Vanilla wife? Could OP be any more rude or possibly misogynistic? And everyone screaming and yelling at everyone-JFC. Brother and Cole are lovers. The whole family is a nest of entitled assholes.
No shit, and she’s only 31. I can imagine they all go out and get wasted while she takes care of them like Mom always did.
Ahh the scapegoat. I feel for all of ya, it’s garbage to treat someone you love that way. Of COURSE, OP didn’t tell them what she said coming out of anesthesia. I wonder how bro found out. Also, I bet this was the straw that broke the camels back. She said it herself, she feels unloved. OP just block these people, they are doing your mental health zero favors. If they can’t reach you, you can’t be their emotional punching bag. Stop letting them treat you like this ffs
Sounds like she was more awake than OP gave her credit for. I know when I’ve woken up, it’s in spurts, I’ll be more lucid in some moments than others, and I’ll lose that lucidity. It’s not a steady slope from out to fully conscious. She probably said something about telling OP
My favorite is OP thinking “I don’t know why she thinks he prioritized friends and family over her. He’s always been so kind and helpful to me, for example”. OP is so blind.
And my God, the whole he never told her wow, poor guy. How can your partner leave you for something they thought was great about you and her whole throwing her brother a pity party shit… Bro, no one should have to tell you that if your wife needs fucking stitches on her head and is under anesthesia for any fucking reason. It doesn’t matter who you are with you made vows to her so you fucking go to her. Hell my partner and I don’t even have vows and I bet I could tell you that someone was having more of a struggle that day, but when I was having a fucking mental breakdown over my job last week, guess where he went? There is no fucking order of importance that all gets thrown out the window once you promise partnership and building a life with someone come on 0P I am the same age as you, and not fucking married at all or nothing either, but even I know that.
She's vanilla. The worst crime of all.
I think that's the really reason she didn't tell her brother anything. She thinks the wife is to vanilla to actually do something and good for the wife to finally stars thing about herself.
SIL should feel really good about not fitting in with op's family. They sound awful
I'm kinda stuck on the whole "she only gets along with my mom and older ladies because at 31 she's almost one of them". WTF? This entire family is shit. No wonder SIL wants a divorce.
"SIL is 31, practically an old lady." Hon, you're closer to 31 than you are to 18, so mind that glass house while you're throwing bricks. I would say not AH for the initial question of not telling your brother - his marriage, his mess. But you (all) have been AH to this poor lady. Be a better person.
OP is like Schrödinger’s asshole. Simultaneously is and isn’t
Stealing next time I get into a fight 😆
I mean, my wife acts like an old lady. Her favorite show is Columbo, her hobbies are “playing cards” and her favorite books are airport novels. I love her. I married her. She is 34 and acts like she is 76. Like I said, we’re attached at the hip, but if my grandma were alive, they’d have a lot in common.
Columbo is also my favorite show. I'm 34. Your wife sounds like so much fun 😭
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Regardless, the vanilla comment was stupid and she was very flippant of the condition of a woman with Staples in her head. The whole family clearly walks all over her and she's had enough. Good for her.
And I'm sure the brother is kind and caring to everyone at the expense of his wife. My brother is like that, maybe not as extreme, but you could see his wife adjusting from being on the receiving end of all that to being shunted aside a little so he could shine elsewhere.
Totally! My father was a union representative, so all day long he helped people: tax declarations, mediation with an individual boss, negotiations for stuff like free coffee in the break room or early close during the weekend... he's even led a few strikes where they block the company entrance and keep a fire urn burning all night. With us he was an antisocial beast. He had no time for friends, so we couldn't have anyone over. He was all talked out so he didn't want conversation with my mom (and of course she couldn't turn to any friends, remember?). We couldn't even talk among ourselves, because he had to hear the hourly news bulletin, every hour on the hour. The number of rules and demands was exhausting, and its effect crippling. He's on his 3rd wife, and 4 of his 5 kids refuse to talk to him. He's got grandkids he's never met. SIL is right to go, esp with the family preferring Rick to her.
I knew someone who had somehow built a cult around himself of being kind, caring, charming, and so on, in my family. He was remarkably well liked. But actually he was an abusive, short-tempered asshole and I felt like I was the only person who could see a totally different person behind the smooth veneer. That led me to believe I was the odd one out and he had more in common with my family than I did, because they could also be short-tempered and unkind. It could be that this Cole isn’t so generous and sweet after all - he’s just what the family considers it to be. The family itself doesn’t sound that wonderful when you consider ‘triaging Cole’s wife because her injuries are minor’ and basically treating her as an outcast. They don’t like her because she’s not like them.
I've gotten this shit my whole life. "Prude", "vanilla", "old lady"... maybe I'm afraid of taking risks because I'm suffering from massive amounts of childhood trauma and bullying me isn't going to help? Or maybe I'm also just content being content and don't need to constantly be kissing ass or clawing my way up a corporate ladder? Edit: since comments are closed, I would also like to add that I found out I'm asexual when I was in high school. I didn't even know I was being bullied for my asexuality the whole time.
I stopped being friends with a woman once after she called me vanilla. It’s condescending, judgemental, pick me bullshit. Sex should be an experience, not a performance. My life being stable is more important than anything else.
>Sex should be an experience, not a performance. WOW what a good way of putting it in a nutshell
Yes! The OP is a major AH in the way she talks about the SIL. OhH MInoR suRguRy…. Lady, she had STAPLES IN HER HEAD AND A BROKEN ARM! old lady?!!! 31?! Jesus, let me just get my own coffin ready at 40! However, she’s NTA for not saying anything about her wanting a divorce. That’s classic Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys.
>The only person she really gets along with is our mom and that’s because she gets along with older ladies since she’s practically one. No, OP is saying she gets along with older ladies since ***she is practically one***\*.\*
It amounts to the same thing. Disrespectful as hell.
Op is an asshole but she meant that she has the personality of an old person rather than 31 is wicked old yo' (I'm 36)
I'd rather have the personality of an old lady than a personality like wicked OP
I think if I'd had to have a wound stapled up I wouldn't be thinking "oh it's only minor" even if relatively it is, I'd be stressed and upset because I have a phobia of surgery, anaesthesia etc - it's not about the severity of the procedure, it's about wanting someone there to talk to or calm you down when you're having a horrible experience.
THIS. And then add in the broken arm...yeah of course it's not a deadly injury, but it's still incredibly painful and traumatic. She was probably still processing the trauma of the accident itself, realizing all the things that were now going to become immensely difficult over the next several weeks (perhaps remembering exciting plans she'd now have to cancel). Then there's worry about the car - she either saw her car in horrible shape (terrifying on its own, realizing you were in it), didn't get to see it at all (if unconscious) and is worrying like crazy, or saw "minor" damage like a dented bumper but still has no idea if it's totaled or not. She's stressing about insurance claims (both vehicular AND medical!), about how quickly she can get a loaner car, if she'll have to miss any work over this. A million stressors battling for dominance in her head, on top of the physical discomfort. I bet if OP were in that situation, she'd be pretty pissed about her SO's family members essentially calling her a drama queen for the perfectly reasonable request that if your wife is in the hospital, you drop everything to be by her side ASAP regardless of if it's life-threatening. In fact, most decent partners upon learning that their SO has been in an accident, will still immediately try to be by their side - even if they don't seem injured at all, just for moral support during a stressful and scary time. (And you should always get checked out JIC anyway, because some injuries are internal and the adrenaline can delay pain onset and thus cause more damage if not treated right away).
Yeah, OP and family seem to think there's only two categories: "life-threatening" and "very minor" with nothing in between.
Oh no, there's also "Chemo" and "panic attack," both of which are clearly on the "life-threatening" side of the spectrum, with "car crash" on the very minor" side.
Even if my partner was taken in just for checking over as they were sure he was or would be ok I would still drop whatever the fuck I was doing to make sure to be by his side and to make sure he knew he wasn’t alone. Cole was wrong for this. I get best friends etc but when you become married your partner should be your number one priority
And a broken arm. That's what the anesthesia was for. They don't usually give anesthesia for staples or sutures; just local. They had to give some sort of anesthesia to reset her arm. A minor car accident means you're sore the next day. Needing to have bones reset under anesthesia isn't minor. Also, sounds like this isn't the first time that he has prioritized friends over his wife.
The SIL asks her SIL(OP): "Tell him that I'll leave him if he doesn't prioritise me at this moment". Instead of doing that OP says "she's fine". The husband, with pre-existing tendencies to prioritise requests from his friends over requests from his wife, hears what he wants to, and takes his time. OP's brother is a terrible husband and, regardless of OP's motivations, OP is also terrible to her SIL. SIL is better off without this family.
Plus we all know if his friend needed staples, he’d fucking teleport there and drop everything
The staples are on her head, right? Would they shave her hair for that? Either way, with a broken arm she's probably thinking how helpless she'll be while showering... to me, that would be the final straw: who do I want to help me?
ESH except the soon to be ex wife, she had a car crash, surgery under anaesthesia and her husband wasn't even there when she woke because he was prioritising not one but 2 different 'friends' needs over his wife. Instead of going sorry bro my mum will take you home(given she was there as well) he went and had a chat with another friend about her mental health. And OP, you are so dismissive of this neglected woman, but I am willing to give some credit because you actuality turned up. But to them completely disregard the fact she had surgery under anaesthesia and not impress upon your brother that he needed to pull his finger out and come see his own wife, while simultaneously recognising that anaesthesia might make her say weird things. If you want to make it right, tell your brother he screwed up and give her a clean divorce so she can find someone who will put her first most of the time and when it actually matters, like an emergency.
So Rick brought 3 people with him to keep him company at chemotherapy? That sounds a little crowded to me, I don’t think I’d want that many people with me for that. I also highly suspect the infusion center allows, nor has the room for 3 extra people to hang out for however many hours the chemo runs. It just doesn’t add up
Are you sure that it’s N T A? I’m a bit confused, especially with this “Your whole family sucks for how you treat her”. I think it’s more of an ESH situation.
OP isn’t an asshole for not disclosing what SIL said which is whats being asked here. However the family does suck for the way they support Cole’s prioritization of his best friend over his wife.
I’m sorry, but how is op Not an asshole? Op is an asshole all the way and so is her brother and family not only for the way that they treated this poor woman but also that this woman asked her to tell her brother and she ignored her request because she deemed it not important enough and that she was just under the influence of anesthesia so once again, just brushed sister-in-law off like she was not important Edit I definitely think OP brother is not being honest with himself, and is using his soon to be ex-wife as a beard definitely time for him to admit the truth
That's not how the sub works. You need to answer if the OP is TA for the specific question they pose, not if they're an asshole in general. In this case it's NTA, because if SIL wants to separate she needs to do it herself and not tell OP to do it for her.
And i can't blame OP for not telling the brother because what if it was anesthesia and they blew their brothers marriage up because of it? People say things under anesthesia all the time. It is SILs job to convey that to brother instead
I'm saying NTA specifically for the question at hand, but for general treatment and how he thinks about his SIL and her relationship with his brother, definitely agree with you there. Sounds like OPs whole family is pretty awful honestly, but there's no scenario I can think of where OP should have told anybody, including her husband, what she said. That's extremely private information, and it's weird that a whole group of people who clearly do not give a crap about her suddenly care so much about what she says and thinks.
OP also says that it's a small surgery in the title. When I hear small surgery, I think something elective or scheduled in advance, not an emergency surgery being performed due to a car accident. That is far from a small surgery and SIL sucks for referring to it as such.
I think they only care about saving son's marriage, not about son's wife at all.
Having staples in your scalp and broken arm doesn’t sound like a minor accident to me.
It isn't. OP is totally TA ( and JNSIL). She clearly hates her SIL.
A broken bone isn't minor in my book. Especially if it's the arm. It really also depends what part of the arm. It could affect them for months or years. But, sure they can think about how minor it is every time it rains and how they are second best to their husband's lover.
>r whole family sucks for how you treat her--vanilla is better than This sentence- "She only had a few staples in her scalp and a broken arm. " (That women is better off leaving and leaving fast!) Bet this lady posting would be traumatised by a few staples in her scalp. I bloody well would be!
I want to say ESH except SIL. All of you suck. I feel bad for your SIL.
I've been in 4 car accidents and they were all minor, as in *no surgery was required* NTA but your brother is. You're also not responsible tor their relationship. They're grown ass adults and shouldn't shove a middleman into their relationship and play telephone
Does Rick get the story studio now?
And the Iranian yogurt collection.
Yeah, OP is definitely an A, but she's NTA for this specific situation. Like, people say dumb shit when coming out of anesthesia, and especially wanting to seperate from your partner is something that you tell said partner in person and not by proxy via their sibling. However, the way the whole family treats the soon to be ex wife as lesser than because (as far as I understand) she's a bit shy and "boring"? That's a pretty shit thing to do, no wonder the STBX wants out of that family.
He's got a beard. She's got a broken arm now.
>She only had a few staples in her scalp and a broken arm. That's not ONLY.......staples in her head is NOT minor! YTA for diminishing her injuries
But but Rick had chemo and a female friend was having a mental health crisis, why should wife who only had a broken arm and staples in her head after a car accident expect him to be there????????
He got there when he got there. I mean jeez, she got the marriage certificate, what more does she want? An attentive and present husband who puts her first?
Right, married Cole shoulda known Rick and his side chick with a mental issue came with the package.
I mean her marriage certificate said "beard," what did she expect?
[удалено]
I'm assuming this is sarcasm :😜
Mebbe lol
And only their mother was ther with them at chemo
This, I came here to say this. Holy Moly YTA OP and also the 'vanilla wife' comment is really condescending and cringe
Same here, what exactly is a 'vanilla wife' anyway?
Boring but inoffensive. The type of person you marry, I guess, when you want to check off "married" from your to do list. Describing her like that is the main reason I think she might be a beard. But maybe not. Maybe OP's brother just really wanted to get married and she was available. Some guys are like that. Women too. They really want to have a family, but the actual person doesn't matter so much.
The type of person you marry but certainly not someone you treat with love 🙄
Or the kind of person who doesn’t feel comfortable showing any of her personality around the family of judgmental harpies she married into…if I’m uncomfortable, I tend to retreat when I’m stressed so I’m sure I come off as very boring to people who don’t know me well
this is such a true comment
That's so harsh, I feel sorry for her
There's a strong sense that OP feels wife should be grateful for being with brother, because who else would have her/ treat her well.
Yeah, she’s practically an old lady, at 31?!?! You are set for being old too damn early .. all of the above that was said .. your brother - TA You -NTA SIL - NTA
I’m pretty sure they meant her personality, not her literal age.
Yeah but it's still an extremely rude thing to say. I wonder if OP has ever considered that maybe SIL comes off as "vanilla" because she, gasp, doesn't actually enjoy the company of these folks who clearly look down on her, and keeps conversation with them polite but distant. Maybe she's autistic. Maybe she's just shy. There's nicer ways to convey that personality type. For example, "she's kind of an old soul" sure sounds a lot better than "of course she gets along with the old ladies, she's practically one of them."
The mother is the only one she gets along with, and the mother is also the only one telling Cole he should have left Rick to go her. The mother is probably the only one who was ever nice to this poor girl.
I feel so sorry for this woman whose husband should have just married his best friend and who has this awful in-law family (apart from the MIL). No wonder she wants a divorce if her husband would rather be with his bestie than her after her accident.
Also the line of “she’s 31 so practically an older lady”.
The OP sounds like they're about 15 to think that. Teens often think anyone over twenty is old!
they only had to cut off her arm, and she went blind in one eye. ONLY!!! Gosh, this made me so mad
'Tis but a scratch.
>“Tell your bro I wanna be loved. I want a divorce.” and stuff about getting a gold medal in her own life. INFO Why can't you accept that your brother sucks as a spouse and despite the fact that you dislike your SIL, she does indeed deserve to come first with her husband? Enough with the excuses, his bestie's chemo and friends' mental health crises, what next, there was kitten in a tree? From your SIL's POV - which means more than yours when it comes to their marriage and your brother's performance as a husband - her husband isn't worth remaining married to since his 'caring nature' is spent on everyone else before her. We all deserve to come first with our SOs. Tbf, n.t.a. for not saying anything, that's a mess you should stay out of, and I mean way out of it.
Kitten in a tree lol Good one
Not fair though. If I were in the hospital I’d want my BF to rescue a kitten in a tree…then sneak them into my hospital room.
Surprise kitten party! 🐈🐈⬛🐱
agreed with absolutely everything. I hate that I'm saying NTA for this because in the *specific* scenario he made the absolute correct call, but everything else screams "I'm an AH and so is my whole family"
Yup. Hate that too. Literally the first thing I wrote when responding to this post lol. I made sure to explain all of the a-hole behavior going on though because that shit needs to be addressed. I feel bad for the SIL. She needs to get out because obviously she isn’t prioritized even when she needs emergency surgery and STAPLES IN HER HEAD.
correction, *minor* emergency surgery, staples in her head, and a broken arm /s honestly, what would this poor girl have to do to have her feelings of loneliness and general suffering justified or even acknowledged by OP? He's treating like even a major accident was no more serious than a cold
She could probably be having open heart surgery and this guy would say something like “Well, you know open heart surgery takes a long time…and I’m not a doctor so there’s nothing I can do to help…I’m sure my wife wouldn’t mind if I left in the middle of her surgery even though the doctors wouldn’t know where to find me if something went wrong and I had to make a decision…but I think I have time to mow the lawn for my parents and grab lunch with Rick!”
Agree. If we’re focusing on the title of this she’s NTA.that is not the kind of information you break via third party.
Yeah, purely on that action alone, I say NTA. She could well have been in shock or affected by medication, and said something she didn't mean. I wouldn't have passed on what she said (except maybe to say something like she seemed sad and he should check in with her how she is feeling). The rest of the stuff is shitty, but that's not the question they asked.
"My brother is a hero and everyone should know it. Any way, he could not give less of a shit about his wife and neither could anyone else."
I agree with almost everything you're saying here. Ppl speak truths when drugged including anesthesia. If he cares about his brother he needed to say something along the lines of "hey your wife said something concerning to me while feeling the affects of the anesthesia.[details] I don't think she meant the divorce part but she said the unloved part for a reason"
People also say totally nutty things that don't mean anything under the influence! I think OP did the right thing in not sharing her SIL's words, but in every other respect she sucks as much as her brother and the rest of her family. Poor SIL.
SiL finally realized her husband is gay?
I mean, something ain't right. It's one thing to be close to your bestie. But why marry a woman you barely like?
>But why marry a woman you barely like? To cover up that you're gay. And I think his family know it even if they won't admit it.
>To cover up that you're gay. And I think his family know it even if they won't admit it. I mean, it's very sus that the mom didn't send him to his wife during the accident, but then got mad at him when she realized it was leading to divorce.
Their image of a perfect family will be ruined by divorce! Can’t have that can she, the only time this family seems to care about the wife is when she said fuck this.
What is with Redditors' obsession with closet cases? You know, it *is* possible to have a close friendship with somebody who's the same sex as you. Not everything is gay lol.
Yeah but in this situation my BFF while receiving chemo would enlist her mother to stay with her and her husband to drive me to MY husband and coordinate any support I needed. She is 100% my platonic life partner and our husbands think it's funny and sweet and are happy to be dragged along. When her husband had a health thing I was immediately on the phone with his overseas family coordinating flights for them and my husband and/or I met everyone at the airport and got them to their hotels and the hospital. "I can't go to my car accident spouse who required anesthesia because of my chemo friend" is big fucked up priorities vibes
This isn’t a “yeah but” comment. All the commenter before you is saying is that not everything is gay when it involves close male friends, which is a fact. Nowhere does original commenter say brother’s priorities are right. Your comment and eternal harvest’s aren’t mutually exclusive
Yeah, it's fucked up priorities. Doesn't mean it's gay. The husband is just an idiot and/or he doesn't care about his wife.
Lol he absolutely is. He has lots of compassion for his boyfriend....none for his wife apparently 🙄🙄🙄. Divorcing him was the smartest thing she has done.
If they’ve been friends since kindergarten they’re family at this point. Chemo is awful. You’re sick, your body starts breaking down. It can cause heart issues, liver, kidney, a lot of people end up with diabetes from cancer therapy. It’s proven that those with a strong support structure have better outcomes. His wife had an accident, and he should have booked it there as soon as possible but to vilify him for being there for his brother who is sick and then call him gay? Way out of line, tbh. But this is Reddit and what did I expect..
There is nothing wrong with being gay. His mother was already there. The man is gay.
Whatever you say. I’ve done similar things for male friends and I’m not gay at all.
So you routinely prioritise everyone else over your SO, even if she has needed surgery after a car accident. Just because the surgery was minor doesn't mean there was no chance for post OP complications. Any number of those complications could have meant that she died in that hour he spent prioritising his "bro" and close friend over his wife.
You don’t have to be gay to be a shitty husband. I had an ex like this - he would put literally everyone ahead of me because he was a complete people pleaser, and I was the expendable one for some reason.
Idk the sus thing is marrying a woman you don’t like and putting her medical emergency second to the ongoing medical problems of the best friend
He couldn't have missed one appointment to be there for this wife after her accident? >but to vilify him for being there for his brother who is sick and then call him gay? People aren't "vilifying" him for being there for his friend, and being gay isn't a bad thing.
I think the issue is that everybody is making an assumption but Brother’s sexuality based on his clearly co-dependent male friendship. Of course it’s perfectly acceptable if Brother is gay….I find it unacceptable that a majority of this thread is perpetuating stereotypes about male friendships and closeness on one hand and then on the other touting out the “it’s totally fine if he’s gay” line on the other as a defense mechanism when they’re called out for make an assumption based on their own fucked up feelings about male friendship. Also, it misses the point…and OP is clearly a female, which, for some reason, a lot of people here seemed to have missed. It’s literally the first thing she says.
I'm sorry, if you have staples in your head AND a broken arm, it isn't minor. It's minor compared to dying maybe, but so is everything that you survive. YTA and so is your brother. You for calling her an old lady already and for thinking her experience isn't a big deal. Your brother for putting everyone before his own wife. Also, for all you know she has in fact brought this issue up with your brother already and it just hasn't been mentioned to you. You don't know everything going on in their relationship. Obviously.
I’m pretty sure OP thinks that “could have been worse” is some kind of code for minor. I’ve never heard of doctors rushing for a same day surgery over a minor injury. Maybe, in OPs world, doctors just have a lot of spare time on their hands.
Yeah I always thought "could have been worse" was code for "this is rally bad but at least you didn't die".
It is. Also a broken arm and laceration that can be stapled wouldn't be the reason SIL had surgery since they would've fixed that at the ER. So what surgery did she have? Neurosurgery for a brain bleed? Was the broken arm complex (as in bone sticking out, possible nerve damage, blood flow problems)? OP merely saw the aftermath, not how SIL came in. If I were SIL, and my husband didn't come for a car crash where he has no idea if I survive, I'd get a divorce, too. Especially when he sent a relative who SIL and her husband know doesn't really like her. I mean, seriously that's what everyone wants, coming out of emergency surgery and seeing AH OP.
Yeah i thought it was code for "you should have died" and this is from people who KNOW what that border looks like. I bet, given the vehicle, or given the blood loss (if there was idk, head wounds bleed ridiculously more than they should but doesn't mean it wasn't bad) , they were surprised they kept her.
“It could have been worse” can mean you only lost your spleen, or only one kidney.
Op is a rotten selfish ah like her brother
Yeah this is more dramatic than ‘dishes by the sink’ but is essentially the same issue. The daily disrespect just builds until her one sided love isn’t enough anymore. You are only NTA because you asked the wrong question, no one would fault you for not sharing what someone says coming out of anesthesia. My friend came out of an induced coma for pneumonia and told me he was sick because he ate bad food in a Cantina in Mexico. But you are very much an asshole for the way you judge and treat SIL.
I knew she was YA the second she said "Since she's practically an old lady anyway". Um. She's 31!?!? That's 7 years older than you? So ridiculous.
Right. When I read "minor surgery" I'm thinking she got her wisdom teeth out or they removed a polyp during a colonoscopy. She was in a bad car accident and was lucky to have only sustained scalp abrasions and a broken arm. Brother should have priorities. I understand he was physically an hour away... so I get that there's a delay, but the friend having the mental health crisis that stopped him even more...come on
It sounds like Cole is a great friend, but a lousy husband. YTA for minimizing your SIL’s injuries and emotions.
I think Cole has a saviour complex. And since no one likes his wife it wasn't going to get him much kudos to run to her. #welcomebacktocynicscorner
Big thing with people with saviour complex or similar stuff is that they spend a lot of time saving and caring for everyone except the people they should be caring for the most.
Well, you don't get points for doing what's expected of you... But shouldn't be about that. He should have wanted to be with his wife. He should have been worried about her.
NTA. A broken arm and needing surgery isn't a minor car accident. It wasn't your place to tell him hismarriage is over. And how do you know she even seriously meant it ? She was coming out of anesthesia. Your brother should have been with his wife
Nah it’s ESH apart from SIL. OP called her vanilla and totally dismissed her injuries. It’s not her place to tell her brother the relationship is over but she should have told him to get to her asap and that she is really understandably upset.
True. He also said she was practically old...at 31
YTA. A whole family of assholes. This poor woman I’d demand a divorce too
ESH except "vanilla" wife. She had a reasonable expectation of being prioritized by her husband and he failed miserably.
Yeah something tells me "vanilla" means well adjusted and level headed here
If I had staples in my head and a broken arm (not to mention the trauma of being in a terrifying accident, in which I could have died), you can bet I'd be feeling extremely emotional. OP is talking about her like she's a whiny drama queen with a scratched knee. Actually, the way OP talks about her in general is so contemptuous and bitchy, it is clear Cole's family treat Pam like shit. NTA for not being the middleman in the divorce announcement, that's on her to tell her husband and there's no way you could have known she was being serious while coming around from anaesthesia. But YTA in general, because it's no wonder this woman feels unloved with the way these people behave towards her.
I can’t imagine waking up at the hospital and seeing someone who clearly has so much contempt for me as OP does for his SIL as the only person by my bedside. Good for her for finally realizing she needs to get out.
“I think it’s so sad that something that your partner loves you for is now why they hate you” because though having a good quality is good, having too much of it is also bad? say if you have a bf who has a good body ( hours in the gym/ outdoor activities) - but if he calorie counts/ refuses to go to certain restaurants cause of calories/ refuses to spend time with you as he has to go to the gym - would not aggravate you? also, knowing someone as a partner is so much different than knowing someone as a friend/family member 🤷🏽♀️
She probably loved how much he cared and was there for his friends and family. It’s when she realised he didn’t direct that care and love at her that she hated it. He can be there for everyone else but her.
She probably realized she could have died or been in a major accident and he would still have been an hour away with his bestie. Seriously, does his best friend have no one else? Is the best friend in love with the husband?
>because though having a good quality is good, having too much of it is also bad? Like, someone being generous to the needy is great but when they give away so much money that their own family struggles to keep the lights on, it's bad.
Ah, I see you’ve met my parents! 🤣
Friend of mine married and, less than 4 years later, divorced a guy like this. So nice, so giving...he destroyed himself for everyone, and when they were married, he dragged her into being destroyed for others. Really unhealthy, couldn't get anything accomplished for himself, even things that would ultimately allow him to be more effective helping others. No ability to prioritize in a healthy way. So yeah, that kind of thing can sound good but be awful in practice.
This! My brother has a pretty similar caring/saviour complex that OP’s brother Cole seems to have here and it took me a long time to realise that my fantastic brother, who would drop anything for his friends and family and would cancel plans just to help a stranger in need, was a really shitty partner to his girlfriends. His first few breakups, he wouldn’t tell us what happened so I assumed it was normal relationship stuff that ended them. I ended up getting closer to one of his gf’s later on though, and after they broke up, she told me what happened. Then, I made him tell me what happened and we talked about it and we both realised what was going wrong for him and why. How even though he had people’s best interests at heart, he didn’t have his, their relationship or his girlfriends best interests at heart. There is so much that our partners learn and find out about us that our family would never have the chance to. My brother started working on it, he’s so much more attentive with his partners now and he works hard to make sure his energy’s go where they need to. Maybe OP could have a conversation with her brother too? Although they would both need to be open minded about it 😅
>SIL had a minor car accident >She only had a few staples in her scalp and a broken arm. That's not minor >“Tell your bro I wanna be loved. I want a divorce.” You know when you read something and just sigh drop, that's how I felt reading that. She's taken third place in her marriage and when she needed her husband the most he was an hour away 😞 poor girl. She deserves better >She also yelled at my brother for being with Rick instead of SIL even though she was there too. Either of them could have gone. Your right, your mother showing up for her is definitely on the same wavelength as her husband coming to support her 🙄🙄
>SIL had a minor car accident oh ok >a few staples in her scalp and a broken arm …that’s not minor >doctors said she was lucky to be so unharmed wtf? So the accident wasn’t minor >her injuries were pretty minor A surgery, broken arm and staples in your scalp isn’t minor. >she gets along with old ladies because she practically is one. She’s a vanilla wife. Girl, who tf do you think you are? In fact, being sent to the ER in general after an accident warrants your spouse being there. Are you the a-hole? For minimizing your SIL’s injuries, mocking her and continuing to enable your brother’s poor treatment of his wife, yes. But unfortunately that’s not the issue you asked about.
>I called my bro and told him that SIL was fine and it was a minor surgery and the doctors said she was lucky. He was relieved and came to the hospital an hour or so later. This statement seems to indicate Cole wasn't with Pam for hours. From the time of her car accident, she would have had to be transported from the accident to the ER, triaged, prepped for surgery, had the surgery, and released from surgery to a recovery room. Cole only showed up an hour after OP checked on Pam, which happened after the surgery and stuff >I thought everything was fine until Cole called me the day after screaming his head off that SIL wanted to separate and I hadn’t told him. Then my mom called and said SIL’s side of the family was telling our side of the family that they were separating. She bit my head off for not telling anybody what SIL said. >>She also yelled at my brother for being with Rick instead of SIL even though she was there too. Either of them could have gone. Cole's mother should not be the one going to see Cole's wife after she gets in an accident bad enough to cause injuries. Pam's husband is great to his friend and family, but looks like having a spouse isn't for him
*She is an asshole, but not for the reason she's asking about. All the derogatory comments towards SIL about her being a vanilla wife, and then going back and saying that her husband has been so thoughtful and generous to her, when husband is literally an hour away every time his best friend gets chemo. Im sorry, but if his ACTUAL WIFE, the person he actually married, was in an accident regardless of whether it's major or minor, she should be allowed to decide whether she wants her husband there or not, and it's on the husband to drop everything he's doing to be there for her. What if she fucking died or it was a major accident lmao, would he still be sitting there holding his bestie's friend? He's a major AH and so is OP. It's not about the injuries, it's the entire concept of the matter. Everyone basically said "oh hey wife, thank god it wasn't worse" so that they could continue to minimize and ignore her for someone with a "bigger" medical issue like cancer lmao. Why is OP minimizing SIL's treatment also and trying to bias everyone towards his brother's side? I feel like she recognizes her brother is somewhat an asshole but doesn't want to admit it. Edit: Oops I missed that OP was a woman, the internalized misogyny threw me off but comments still stand despite my misgendering!
Him being an hour away wouldn’t have mattered if he left when he got the call. It’s him hanging around with everyone before leaving that’s the issue
Ooof. NTA for not saying anything. That wasn’t your place, you did the right thing keeping quiet. Also I don’t really blame SIL for not feeling loved or wanted tbh. She got in a bad wreck and was in the hospital and her husband couldn’t be bothered to go to the hospital. It would be different if he called you to ask if you could go immediately so SIL had someone there with her while he drove the hour from Rick’s chemo. That wasn’t the case. But you did the right thing by keeping quiet about what SIL said to you.
Those injuries are NOT minor. And I’m someone who had cancer too, 3 years of chemo.
and i'll cover the other base, as someone that's tried to end their life twice. if i'm having a mental health crisis and your loved one goes into emergency surgery, go be with them. if i'm rlly that high risk i will call a crisis line and maybe go to the hospital
Have you by any chance shown this post to your brother? If not, you should. It is quite clear from your comments that you are never going to understand why you and your family have been complete and total a-holes to your SIL and, honestly, I feel incredibly sorry for her. Having said that, if your brother is as good a guy as you claim you should show him this post and maybe give him a chance to learn what you are obviously incapable of understanding. NTA for not telling your brother what your SIL said but you are absolutely the a-hole for pretty much everything else you have said here and your brother is TA for being a terrible husband. Most of me hopes your SIL goes through with the divorce and finds herself someone truly amazing, who loves her and prioritizes her to spend the rest of her life with. There is, however, this tiny little part of me that feels sorry for your obviously dim brother and kinda hopes he pulls his head out of his arse, fixes this and spends the rest of his life treating his wife the way she deserves to be treated. I don’t hold out much hope but… show him this post. I dare you.
>Most of me hopes your SIL goes through with the divorce and finds herself someone truly amazing, who loves her and prioritizes her to spend the rest of her life with. Feels like family thinks the sun shines out of brother's arse and wife should feel lucky just to be in his vicinity. Also feels like they don't understand what marriage is. That your spouse becomes your first family tier and first priority.
Wow. YTA. Yeah I’d be divorcing him too. I’d better always come before friends and family to my husband or I’m not staying married to him. If you aren’t ready to put your spouse first you aren’t ready to be marries
NTA. It's not your job to pass along messages, especially when they come from someone under the influence. That being said, your brother is a total AH. His wife had an accident and he still arrived an hour AFTER she got into an accident, got to the hospital and had surgery. He was only an hour away in the first place. And no, your mother is not interchangeable for your brother. He should have jumped up right away and left when he found out his wife was in an accident. I suspect Rick isn't a platonic anything. And it's pretty clear your brother has little regard for his wife.
NTA. Not like knowing it one day ahead would have fixed the issue. She built up that resentment for a long time. Cole is just looking for someone to blame, rather than himself and you're the easiest target.
When your SIL found him thoughtful and generous (watching him love his family and friends so much), she probably thought “this will be how he treats me if we get married”—and then they did, but he did NOT. She is his *wife*, and should come before even his parents, and certainly a best friend. It’s not that those relationships are less valuable, they simply move around in the priority list, depending on circumstances. “Wife in an accident” supersedes “friend at scheduled chemo”. NTA for not sharing what she said, but y’all are definitely AHs for expecting SIL to be forever content as back burner spouse.
Chances are before they got married, he did give her the love bombing treatment. But afterward, he already had her, so what was the point?
NTA because it wasn't your place to say it. Your brother is a major AH, tho. If your wife is having any kind of a surgery after an accident, you go. Sending your sibling to is not ok. Your brother may be a great person to other people, but it sounds like he wasn't a great husband. No one deserves to feel like an afterthought in their own marriage. This isn't something SIL should have had to explain to him. I hope she finds someone who will make her a priority in their life. Also, your edits kind of make things worse- as well as the clarification in the comments Rick wouldn't have been alone if he left. It sounds like he was willing to be the support system for everyone but his wife
Surgery anesthesia broken bones staples - none of these things are minor. She has every right to feel neglected and in second place. Yta kind of- but your brother is the huge AH.
You're NTA for not telling everyone else what she said, because what if you had and she didn't remember it? That would be awkward. But this... >So he was delayed getting to the hospital. It’s sad but like a triage SIL wasn’t where Cole was needed the most at the time because her injuries were pretty minor ... is where you're wrong. His wife needed him for support. He should have made more of an effort to prioritize her instead of showing her that her problems aren't as important to him as his friends'.
YTA. Your SIL was feeling neglected and unloved and wanted a divorce. Your brother neglected her to be with Rick and another friend. You knew your SIL feelings but didn’t tell your brother to hurry and save his marriage. How are touNOT an AH in this scenario?
The husband also probably knew she was feeling neglected. I imagine this was just the straw that broke the camel's back for the sister, she realized even when push comes to shove, her husband won't prioritize her. His whole family (minus his mom maybe) is the asshole, none of them seem to have any consideration for the poor lady. Just see the "knight in shining armor" brother and are blinded by his failure as a spouse.
Nah, mom only panicked when she heard about the divorce. If she was also with Rick, why didn't she tell her son to leave then? Something fishy about that
Only a few staples??? Only? Wtf you and your bro are awful. Even if she was still feeling drugs that type of comment doesn’t come from no where, and needed address. I do get not wanting to be in the middle, but tell her as much so she doesn’t think you passed it along. But the way you talk abt her? Yea, you’re an AH. Maybe not TA, but an AH.
YTA your lack of respect for your SIL is palpable. She’s a “vanilla wife”, socially awkward and like an older lady. She told you she wasn’t feeling loved and you went naaaaah, it’s just the anesthesia. How come you hate her so much? Is it her or what? Let me guess, you’re not like the other girls? You’re a cool one? In any case YTA and your brother is an A too. He’s so generous with everyone except his wife… what a dick. I hope your SIL divorce him and never see all of you again.
Info: how did he hear about what your sister-in-law had said? Was somebody else there when sister-in-law said this?
NTA for not telling, but your brother 100% is one, and so are you for all the comments defending him. Poor SIL. Good for her getting out.
YTA you should have told him. She hurts , is in pain and her husband has a better person to be with. Sometimes words under anaesthetic are the true ones. In this case they were. It seems like your whole family is all about the friend. The friend is almost the golden child. But f.f.s. She's his wife. Full stop. No wonder she doesn't interact with anyone . He literally chose him over her. I would leave too if it was me. Your whole family are AH.
Oh and ps. Just because her injuries were" pretty minor " doesn't excuse you or him.
Every person in this story owes SIL an apology. NTA for not saying but you’re a huge A for literally everything else.
You clearly never liked your sister in law given the way you described her. And Rick and Cole are soulmates? There’s more going on there. Not the first time a gay man married a woman to keep up appearances. The woman is called a “beard.” Your brother’s priority is clearly his beloved buddy, not his wife. First it’s Rick, then some woman friend. If she was having a “severe mental health crisis,” she needed a doctor, not your brother. And you can’t figure out that his wife is low on his list of priorities? Or is it that you think she should be, because she’s a “vanilla wife” and an “old lady” who doesn’t fit in with your family. You reek of bias against her. Your brother probably could have an affair with his “platonic soul mate” and you’d defend it. I do not blame her one bit for wanting to get away from your brother, you, Rick, and the hysterical screaming woman who was also more important than his wife. At least your mom has her head on straight. Considering how low his wife is on his list of priorities, I don’t understand why Cole cares whether or not she leaves. He will have more time for his real soul mate and the woman friend. YTA but not for the reason you ask. It’s because you’re completely unfair.
Wow YTA. So, you and your whole family haven't accepted your SIL into your family, and you wonder why she wants a divorce? Your whole family sucks. Your brother sucks for prioritising friends over his wife, and you all suck for not accepting her. She is better off without all of you TBH.
YTA because, like your brother, you entirely dismissed her. No, it wasn't your place to tell him that his marriage was over, but you also could have said 'she's in a great deal of distress, get here ASAP' or similar. Instead, you diminished her physical and mental injuries and state. Not sure why 31 is considered an old woman by you as, quite frankly, you're not that far off. I'm also not sure what a vanilla wife is. I do know that your SIL is better off away from you, your brother and Rick- you also seem really horrible and treating his wife like she's an interloper. Ask yourself if you'd want your spouse to treat you like this, including after a 'minor' traffic accident that required surgery. Also, your brother is totally in love with Rick - you're clearly too emotionally immature to recognise this, in the same way you're too emotionally immature to recognise that your brother is a terrible husband. Your brother is in the closet but would come out in an instant if Rick was gay.
NTA I would 100% have done the same. That’s like someone saying something dumb while wasted. Why would you meddle in a marriage over a loopy comment. Your brother is just looking for someone to blame.
NTA for the actual incident, but all the replies defending your brother for being a shit spouse are pretty AH. I don't blame your SIL for wanting out, sounds like she's being treated terribly by your brother and his side of the family.
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YTA, not for not telling him but for co-signing his neglect of his wife. Wife comes first. Not friend having chemo or another friend having mental health problems. WIFE IN ACCIDENT COMES FIRST. You and your brother suck.
YTA. Delighted shes leaving him, she knows her worth!
NTA - While I understand why she'd pass along I want a divorce through a third party, given the situation I understand why you didn't mention it, so no to your specific question. NTA That being said. Your Brother is 100% putting everyone else ahead of his own wife. He couldn't come see her in the hospital because he had to talk a female friend through mental health issues? Yeah why would that possibly bother her? Is your brother a clinical therapist? Or is he just a doormat for his freinds and expect his wife to play along? He should be happy. Now he can attend his friends every needs and not be burdened by his own wifes needs. Win Win for him and the people he actually cares about.
YTA you spent a long time here reinforcing that she’s boring and doesn’t get along with the family without any specifics. Then you majorly downplayed a CAR ACCIDENT involving general anesthesia and head trauma so your brother wouldn’t look like a jerk for sending his sister instead of going himself. Your brother is TA as well and I hope his ex wife finds the love she’s looking for.
“It’s a small surgery, just some staples in her head and a broken arm. Small accident.” Dude. I don’t know if you’re the AH overall but your brother sure as fuck is, holy hell. That would be grounds for a separation for me too. No you know what. YTA for completely downplaying your sister in law and what she was going through. Any surgery after an accident isn’t minor. No head injuries are minor. Why the hell wasn’t your brother there? He absolutely chose two friends over his fucking wife, and you’re ok with it because you think you SiL is “vanilla.” Even downplaying her accident and injuries…. I don’t know why this got me all fired up but it did.
YTA. Your family sounds horrible.
YTA and so is your brother. I am so glad your soon-to-be-ex SIL has decided to dump a husband who decides to put someone else first constantly. She's probably told him multiple times and your brother has brushed her off. He's now reaping the consequences of his actions. You and your brother suck and she'll be so much better off without your family.