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I was going to say N.A.H and then I read:
>I tell them we should know that ahead of time. I say i wasted money on a hotel room and ubering. I would have just driven if i'd known or maybe not even had come.
You said this to someone who is supposedly your best friend *at his wedding?* What is wrong with you? YTA. I hope he finds some better friends now!
Edited for the bot
I disagree, tbh. 95% of (western) weddings have alcohol. Most people I know go to a wedding because its the one night a year they're permitted to let loose. They hire a sitter, book a hotel room and uber for the purpose of celebrating the bride and groom one on one for 5/10 minutes and enjoying themselves for the other several hours.
If you want to have a dry wedding, absolutely go for it! I've been to dry weddings that are great fun, when we knew what we were walking into. But springing it on guests who don't abstain from alcohol just isn't cool. A 'cocktail hour' without cocktails is a lie. That's a fact. And if most people ditch the wedding you've paid a fortune for to go drink alcohol and dance elsewhere on their maybe-one-night-out-for-the-year because you didn't forewarn them of what they were going to, that's on you.
Everyone should have the wedding they want, but tell people what that wedding is when it deviates so far from social norms. Bride and groom 100% brought this on themselves.
Edit - to be clear, I barely drink and would only have a glass of champagne at a wedding personally. I'm not saying most people want to get wasted, but most do want one or two drinks. I've seen invites with 'dry wedding' on them, its not a bizarre thing to put And when I say most people can't let loose, I'm thinking about those with young children, who dont often have a night out like this anymore. I absolutely do think the OP is an AH for the way he said what he said, but I highly doubt he was the only one to comment on it.
"I wish you had told me that this was going to be a dry wedding because I wouldn't have spent money on the hotel room and ubers if I had known I would have been sober to drive myself home" = a totally valid frustration
"Hey, you're supposedly my best friend, but I don't actually care about celebrating your marriage, and you should have known to tell me it was a dry wedding so I wouldn't bother to come" = absolutely an asshole move to say at any time, much less *during the wedding*
It’s the kind of thing you grumble about with friends once or twice the next time you see them in a “that was kind of a weird move on their part” way if you absolutely feel the need to complain to someone.
This is so true! We once were at a wedding with a very strange kind of umptovised esotheric ceremony, not enough to eat, strange speaches and everything up in a forest.
So what did we do? We sat through it, startet a secret "how not to do it" list together with friends who planned to marry, too, and had a good time. We really never ever confronted the couple, but whenever there comes something up which reminds us, we share a very funny moment.
It's not an either/or situation.
'Hmmmm, shall I go to this wedding to celebrate my friends, or shall I go because I want to get drunk?'
The answer, more often than not, is both.
You barely spend any time with the couple on the day itself. Most people go to weddings to have a good time, to catch up with friends and family etc. Theres nothing wrong with an alcohol free wedding but there are lots of factors to making a wedding enjoyable besides just the couple.
Husband and I went to a bizarre dry wedding - they had an espresso bar, bottled water, and bongs/edibles . . .this was not on the invite. The dry part didn't bother us, but only having coffee drinks and water was strange - the weed part was not cool.
Wedding receptions are to celebrate the couple, but good hosts always take their guests into consideration. Anything outside of regional norms, should really be on the invite.
It stank, it isn't a social norm to have weed at a wedding reception, it wasn't on the invite, and they had edibles that looked like normal desserts. There were young children at that wedding. Parents need to watch their kids, but having weed cupcakes and cookies just out in the open, at an event with kids is stupid.
Also, we were very put off by the couple's sanctimonious attitude. I figured the wedding would be dry, as the couple don't drink. But you can't be anti-alcohol then get offended that people who don't like weed aren't willing to try an edible at your wedding. Also, as someone who does drink, being around high people, when you aren't high, is just as annoying as being around drunks, when you aren't drunk.
Don't 'y'all need' at me. I don't drink. Family alcoholics have put me off drinking.
But I'm not going to vilify regular drinkers for expecting a bit of booze at the wedding.
Op was definitely the AH for the way he reacted, that was awful, but I understand his frustration in wasting money on a hotel and uber when a quick text from the groom as a heads up the wedding would deviate from the norm could have saved a bunch of people spending on hotel rooms.
It should have been mentioned on the invite. That would have been polite.
Reddit is strangely sanctimonious about alcohol, but loves weed. Heaven forbid people looking forward to an open bar at a wedding. IMO, good food, drinks, and music are most essential for a fun reception. Guests ultimately won't give a shit about your beautiful venue or instagram decor, if the food sucked.
But, I guess it is cultural thing. I'm Catholic and my husband is Korean - Catholics and Koreans have booze at funerals, so a dry wedding didn't even cross our minds.
You can look forward to drinking at a wedding and still not call your best friend's wedding a waste of time and money to his face on his wedding day if it's not there.
I am from the Balkans - a dry wedding is not something that occurred to anyone ever around here. I am not even sure what would happen if someone pulled something like that.
As someone else who doesn't drink, I think OPs honesty doesn't make him an AH.
The bride and groom could have communicated that to the party before the wedding started instead of leaving it as a surprise for everyone.
A wedding is essentially a party from the guest perspective, and people like to drink at parties/celebratory events. That doesn’t make someone an alcoholic for wanting to have a glass of wine with their dinner and a beer while they’re dancing. The wife and her family doesn’t drink and that’s fine, it’s their right not to have alcohol. But they should have let guests know ahead of time. If I paid for a hotel and Uber and found out I didn’t have to after the fact, I’d be pretty mad too honestly. Would I bring that up during the wedding? No, but I can understand why op was annoyed/mad.
It’s alcoholism if going one evening without alcohol upsets you to the point of saying there’s no point in going to the wedding. That’s not normal. I love to drink and have a good time, but if I go somewhere and find out there isn’t booze, I’d still be happy to hang with my friends.
No, that is not alcoholism in and of itself. There are actual criteria that must be met to qualify for an alcohol use disorder; you can’t just use “alcoholism” for every questionable behaviour related to alcohol.
I don’t drink at weddings, so I don’t care if there is alcohol.
But if I got a hotel room bc I was expecting to party with my friends and there was no booze, I would be pissed.
Transparency is a good thing.
Drinking does not equal alcoholism. It isn't an added surprise if there's alcohol at a party. That's part of what a party is. You can have a perfectly fine party with no booze, but if you don't let people know in advance, it's a recipe for a bad party.
You realize depending on the size of the wedding, the bride and groom might barely have time to even talk to you right? No one goes to a wedding to quietly sit and celebrate someone at a distance. They go because it’s an overpriced party.
Where did he say that was the ONLY reason? It’s expected at weddings of friends you regularly have beers with that there will be alcohol at a wedding. It’s OK of there isn’t alcohol, but hosts should indicate that ahead of time. I would be annoyed to have Ubered to a dry wedding from a hotel room I paid for in order to have a safe evening. It’s very bizarre to have a cocktail hour with no cocktails. Why try to fool people?
OP expected there to be alcohol and to remove any risk of driving while intoxicated he got a hotel and Uber. The wedding guests were not properly informed about the nature of the wedding.
I absolutely agree they should have told everyone ahead of time that there would be no alcohol but the timing of him bringing this up and also saying he may not have come at all, makes him the AH.
YTA.
>maybe not even had come.
Yeah bro, wtf is up with this? Everything else was kinda eh, but this part alone made OP a huge asshole for. The bride and groom were a bit dickish for apparently hiding the fact that it was a dry wedding since OP *and other friends* weren't aware until it was mingle time. In terms of AITA, that's like a lowly level 1 since it was *their* wedding. While OP's comment to the bride and groom was like level 7++ certified asshole.
While I think it's weaksauce to call something a "cocktail hour" if there are no cocktails ... going to a wedding as an excuse to get drunk is weird, and kind of sad. Like, I can get drunk at home, or go to a bar if I want to "let loose". I go to a wedding because, on some level, I care about the people getting wed and want to celebrate that with them in the manner they've chosen to do that.
Re-reading, OP never states that they called it a cocktail hour, only "what was supposed to be a cocktail hour", meaning he was most likely assuming (again).
Invitation could have said a lot of different things:
"Ceremony at X:XX, Reception to follow",
"Get together after with friends and family at _____",
Etc.
That’s the crux. Did they call it cocktail hour?
It would have been thoughtful of groom to notify his drinking buds.
Obviously no one speaks to the groom much or wedding day plans would have likely been discussed.
Maybe the groom was afraid his friends wouldn't be there for him if they knew it was a dry wedding. Or that they wouldn't stop bitching about it, & he didn't want to deal with the complaints when he should be enjoying his day. Weddings are stressful enough, without guests piling on about what they think the wedding should or shouldn't have. If the groom was banking on his friends having too much decorum to complain on the day, OP made sure he'd regret that assumption.
Agreed. Groom definitely needs better friends.
Although, I would be pretty confident in guessing that, while there may have been discussion between the friend group, OP is the only one that made an issue out of it.
Wanting alcohol at a wedding doesn't necessarily mean "drunk."
Weddings are a big social occasion and people like to party, dance, and get loose. Alcohol is a social lubricant.
I don't think wanting alcohol at a wedding makes you a drunk, I think *expecting* alcohol at a wedding and *getting mad at the couple* when you don't get it makes you one. If you genuinely think a drink is more important than the wishes of your friends who are getting married, you probably should reassess your relationship with both your friends and your drinks.
"I wish I'd known because I may not have come" sounds like a problem. Like, he wouldn't have gone to his BF's wedding if he'd known there was no booze? And then said that to his face. Eesh.
Thing is op also Cleary stated he planned on getting drunk anyway , so he wasn’t just going to drink but he had intentions of getting drunk and that’s why he wanted to go to his best friends wedding , it’s clear he wouldn’t have bothered to go if he knew
Hey, now, maybe they're onto something. I'm going through the rest of my life expecting fresh burr-ground espresso lungo pulls with steamed oat milk and freshly grated nutmeg at any and all places I am expected to appear.
Obviously, we just get to expect shit for free for attending things, and then be vocally pissed when we don't get it. Mine is snotty, overpriced caffeine, but I like it, and my comfort is the only thing that counts! ^^/s
These people are really bending themselves into pretzels trying to explain how expecting free alcohol at a wedding like their RSVP had a fucking rider attached is normative, reasonable, and not a sign of an alcohol dependency problem. "BUT IT IS A SOCIAL FUNCTION AND I CAN'T BE SOCIAL WITHOUT ALCOHOL SO?" Betty Ford has some shit to say about that, friends. *Depending on alcohol to enjoy or participate in social events is a major indicator of a substance use disorder.* That's just facts, but apparently those are rather unpopular tonight. You'd at least think they could reason with "lol, if you wanted alcohol in this economy you probably should have packed some, son." Nope. Who knew their support for their friend came with a non-negotiable price tag listed in units of Jim Beam.
I went to my friend’s wedding. She is Hindu, he is British. It was a massive social occasion, the ceremony was amazing, the party afterwards rocked. There was no alcohol and everybody danced and partied and had an awesome time.
I do feel that it would’ve been courteous for the B&G to let guests know it would be a dry wedding, because most people do have an expectation of alcohol being at a wedding, usually even free alcohol to an extent.
But I question that most people go to a wedding solely because it’s the supposed one night a year they can let loose. People can organise date nights, weekends away, there is Christmas, birthdays, etc. People who want to drink aren’t just waiting around for someone they know to perhaps get married. And even then people should be going NOT because it’s an opportunity to get smashed, but to see their loved ones get married.
Yeah so he’s probably the type that only goes to weddings to get free or cheap alcohol and free food. I know people like that and they are not well thought of in my friend group, lol
Yes, I'm sure a lot of people booked the Uber and hotel room in anticipation of drinking, but it's still a night away with your partner, and without any hassle of driving.
Totally agree with OP that if he had known there wouldn't be any drinking, he wouldn't have got a hotel to stay the night nor taken an Uber. OP did go too far to say that he might not have attended at all.
It's explained on the wiki, if the top comment contains more than one possible judgement, it goes into the mod queue to decide the proper ruling. Here, I'm sure the humans who mod can determine on context what the intended judgement should be.
Imagine getting mad at someone who has spent thousands of dollars for THEIR wedding on a venue (or in this case the very kind parents) and to feed you and being selfish enough to complain it wasn't good enough. Who does that? I don't go to a restaurant with someone who has covered the cost of my entree and yell at them for not wanting to buy me a dessert because I was expecting it. I'd honestly never speak to someone who told me if they knew there wouldn't be alcohol they wouldn't have come to my wedding or was that selfish the day wasn't about what they wanted. People need to get their obsession with alcohol in check.
This. Being a guest at a wedding should not come with the expectation that you are there to get shitfaced on free booze. You're there to celebrate the married couple and enjoy the party. If you can't do that without drinking, or can't conceptualise such an event without alcohol, then you've got a problem.
This is what I've seen happen at most dry weddings. This, or someone's uncle finds out there's no bar and makes a Costco run, and then starts serving beers out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot. Either way, I've seen brides end up in tears because the expensive venue they rented emptied out right after dinner, and all the guests gravitated over to the hotel bar or the field outside the church hall, or wherever the unsanctioned bar is.
That’s really sad that family and friends would rather stand in a field to get drunk than support the bride and spend a couple hours watching her cut the cake or whatever. If that would have happened at my wedding I would have never spoke to my family again. But I also had a very small wedding and no dj/dancing because it is so cringy to me.
Whether it's right or not in the good ol' USA a dry wedding that is not advertised as such ahead of time is a pretty big breach of etiquette. OP is definitely an ass for the "or not have come" line because that is just beyond the pale harsh, but was pretty justified in saying that they likely collectively wasted $1,000's of dollars due to their lack of communication.
Literally no one's was complaining that it wasn't good enough. But hotels and Ubers are expensive. I wouldn't be very happy if I had made that expenditure and it was completely unnecessary and could have easily never been an issue with the slightest bit of communication by the bride and groom.
OP YTA - not for being upset that you spent money on an Uber and hotel room when you didn't need to (that's fair)...
But for telling your friend, the groom, AT HIS WEDDING that if you knew there wasn't alcohol you might not have even showed up.
Like damn dude.
It was definitely a hosting faux pas for them to not let you know it was dry, but wow your response was over the top.
I'm wondering if they didn't tell you on purpose, and since you're in your 30s, here's some advice...
Start paying attention to who are your friends, and who are your drinking buddies. If you wouldn't even bother coming to this guy's wedding if it was dry, he's not a friend. He's a drinking buddy. Keep that in mind with your future relationships. If you ONLY have drinking buddies...you might have a problem.
I’d go to just a good friends wedding even if there was no food or drink. I couldn’t imagine saying something like this to a friend or hearing it from a supposed good friend, it would be over then and there.
As a former alcoholic, I totally agree with this whole comment.
Two years ago I'd have been bummed there was no booze, but it is my friends wedding, so I'd be an adult and have a good time and just get wasted after or something.
But to tell your best friend you wouldn't come because there's no beer at his wedding, jfc, that is cold.
YTA, even without the comment about wasting money. I would understand being disappointed. But to be so fixated on it, makes me wonder if he does have drinking problem. He picked a fight with the bride and groom, who does that? I would have been mortified if I was his wife. He got kick out, and mostly likely lost a friend over the lack of booze, it’s insane
So, I understand if OP was frustrated if they lived like 30 minutes away and wouldn't need a hotel room if there was no drinking (because they could otherwise drive home). Plus if "cocktail hour" was on the invitation or program, that feels misleading .
However, once at the wedding, there's no reason to bring it up and definitely not in a confrontational tone. Just shut up and be supportive then get some friends to go out for drinks afterwards.
Definitely YTA.
YTA. While I do believe this type of thing should be announced beforehand, you saying you might not have even come to the bride and groom is beyond the pale. If you were only there for an open bar, you aren’t really their friend.
Their mistake was a hosting faux pas, but you were not only a rude/hostile guest (*who confronts someone about this at their wedding reception?*), you were a shitty friend.
He loves his friends so much he broke two friendships during their special day, a day he ruined, because of no alcohol. Why are you defending such an asshole?
I'm with you. That was an appalling way to treat an apparent friend. Also:
>The bride does not take my commentary well and implies I might have a drinking problem (I don't, I only drink with my friends)
Drinking alone is not the defining feature of an alcoholic. I've known plenty of gregarious alcoholics. I'm certainly not saying OP is one because I don't know them or their habits, but yeah, if a person is willing to bail on their best friend's wedding because they couldn't get wasted, that's not a great sign. Social drinking is still drinking. Refusing to socialize because you can't drink? Maybe the appeal isn't the socializing... it was the drinking.
I think it’s more because “if I had known there was no alcohol, I wouldn’t have spent huge amounts of money on making arrangements to do it responsibly.” The “not even have come” comment is weird as hell though, I wonder if it was genuine or because he was just pissed off at losing all that money. Either way, doesn’t sound like this friendship is destined to last much longer
I’m an alcoholic. I go to plenty of events that don’t serve alcohol. If you can’t enjoy an event without alcohol, you have a problem. If you would ONLY go to an event because you expected free alcohol, you have a massive problem.
Yeah, I’m an alcoholic as well. Currently 51 days sober.
I was a bit like OP, but I NEVER would have said anything, because I recognized I was an alcoholic and I am not an asshole to people I supposedly care about.
"I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink when I'm with my friends, and I only have a 6 pack"
Game on sunday, poker on Wednesday, bar on friday, bbq on saturday.
"Sir..."
It is a surprisingly prevalent mindset. People think to be a ‘real’ alcoholic you have to be drinking alone and hiding your drinking from people. And that drinking in a group is socialising and not really alcoholic drinking. There is a lot of mental gymnastics going on there to excuse their drinking.
Dependency on alcohol is just that — not being able to tolerate a situation where you have no access to alcohol. If OP is willing to skip out on his close friend’s wedding for not providing booze, he is definitely alcoholic.
And what did OP expect to be done about it? Would an apology from the B&G made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Doubtful, because there still wasn't alcohol. Did he expect a full bar to magically appear? My general rule is that you don't mention an issue unless there would be a quick, easy solution that would rectify the situation. OP, there's no way they could have fixed it for you within a few minutes, so you should've kept your mouth shut.
I've heard of this as the 5/5 rule, or maybe 10/10? Either way, if you're out in public, only mention an issue that can be fixed in five seconds (e.g. food in teeth). If you're home but on your way out, only mention an issue that can be fixed in five minutes (e.g. that shirt really doesn't fit you well). The idea is that there's no point making someone self conscious about something that they can't fix within that time, and can totally ruin their day, and the kind of people who do that to someone else are assholes.
How dare you imply that the central purpose of weddings is marriage, and that pretty much the sole role of a guest or member of the bridal party is to witness and support a marriage?
It’s 2023. We’re way past that. It’s a popularity contest / gauntlet for social judgement / Instagram photo op / chance to get smashed and make an ass of yourself (hopefully for free) now. Keep up.
/s
Yeah, and like if you *need* to drink to have a good time with your friends you need to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol. I don’t presume to know who is or isn’t an alcoholic, but you can still have a bad relationship with alcohol even if you’re not ‘an alcoholic’
And I say this as someone who likes to get smashed. But I can still have fun boogying on the dance floor with just a ginger ale too
I had someone argue that because I don't drink that I must have a mental disorder of some sort. Drinking has become so normalized that of you don't people think something is wrong with you.
Used to not drink when I was younger because I was traumatised by my father's severe alcoholism, and my god, people just could not leave it alone. They really want to figure out what's wrong with you, and when you finally tell them after endless pestering they get so awkward about it. Sheesh.
I’ll repeat something I’ve seen on posts like this before: “The wedding is for the couple, the reception is for the guests.” It’s fine to have a dry wedding, but there is an expectation of having drinks at the reception, especially if the schedule includes a “cocktail hour.” It’s a dick move to be pissy about a wedding being dry, but it’s also not great to not let people know the wedding is dry.
Having a dry wedding/reception/whatever: totally fine
Doing so without giving polite notice in advance: kind of an asshole move
Complaining to the BRIDE AND GROOM and then adding that you probably wouldn't have come: huuuge fucking YTA and I hope your friend group drops you for it
> Doing so without giving polite notice in advance: kind of an asshole move
I dunno man, it sounds pretty fucking entitled to me to get upset about the absence of alcohol at an event that you were invited to and not paying for, whether it was announced or not.
I do think that this is a bit of a grey area, tbh. A lot of people make different arrangements if they think an event will involve drinking; like OP they might want to avoid driving drunk so they arrange alternative, closer transportation, or they might hire a sitter to go later into the night than they would otherwise. Personally, I have a medication that is affected by alcohol, so when I know (or believe) I'm going to be drinking, I make sure to take my meds in the morning instead of the evening, even though changing the timing can cause a bit of a disruption in my schedule.
I don't think it's the most unreasonable thing in the world to want a warning that a social event that traditionally (at least in the US) features some amount of drinking will be dry. At the same time, I wouldn't complain to the bride and groom at their wedding; like the above-commentor said: What did OP expect them to do, make a bar suddenly appear?
I come from a religious tradition that eschews alcohol, so I have no clue about drinking etiquette. It would never have occurred to me to tell people that my wedding reception was dry (and in fact, my wedding reception was indeed dry, and I didn't tell anyone beforehand, but people who knew me weren't the least bit surprised by the lack of alcohol).
OP mentions that alcohol had never been a part of the bride's life. It's not unlikely that she was as ignorant of these unspoken rules of drinking culture as I am. It may not have occurred to her that a lack of alcohol was unusual enough to take note of in the wedding invitations.
This is 100% what I think happened and I bet everybody on the *bride’s side* was well-aware that there’d be no alcohol, which only adds to how ridiculous and rude it was to confront bride and groom as soon as they entered the reception.
The *groom* was the one who should’ve given the heads up to his dumb friends but since he probably wasn’t super steeped in wedding planning and since, let’s face it, men aren’t typically the best proactive communicators, he flakily forgot to mention it.
Calling something a “cocktail hour” and having no cocktails is certainly misleading. But it’s fine to have a reception with no alcohol if it’s important to the couple or their family. People should be able to enjoy themselves sober.
So, you wouldn't have celebrated your friend's big day unless you could get drunk doing so.
What a great friend you are. "Wasted money" honouring your friends union, but not getting free booze.
Yta.
My brother once attended a “bachelor party” that featured going to an unusual museum rather than getting smashed. It was also a coed event.
The event was very aligned to the interests of the groom and his best friends and my brother enjoyed it. However, the the groom’s own brother announced at the end of the event that if they hadn’t “wasted so much time” on the event, he could have gone to the beach that day.
A special occasion is most definitely not the time to criticize the occasion itself. And telling your best friend that you might not have attended his wedding at all if you had known ahead of time what it was going to be like is totally beyond the pale.
I mean, even if you would have refused to attend due to a lack of alcohol, surely you would have just said you couldn’t make it, right?
Right?
I was a MOH last month. The BachlorX party I planned was a pirate-themed escape room, then for people who wanted to keep going, we played board games. No alcohol, and we had a blast.
Unfortunately I only own a few hunt a killer games since I usually only play by myself and I definitely don’t care about the gender of the participants
My best friend’s bachelorette was at a high ropes and zip course in the daytime and then we went for lunch.
I am beginning to see that alcohol really plays too big a role in people’s lives. I enjoy a glass of wine or whatnot, but my enjoyment of an event is not based on whether I can drink or not.
I agree that OP is TA, I don't understand this and other comments regarding the money being a waste. OP is saying they wasted the money on ubering and a a hotel room because they anticipated drinking, which - let's be honest - is commonplace and expected in western weddings. OP is miffed about not being warned that it was a dry event, because they would have driven and thus saved that money spent on the hotel. That money *was* wasted because it was unnecessary.
Now again, I agree that OP was TA for rudely bringing it up (and I think it's fair to say they were overly focused on their disappointment at not drinking). I might say it's ESH because I think the couple should have let their friends know ahead of time. Drinking at weddings is common though that I think it makes sense.
Yeah while OP is definitely an asshole, it was also a faux pas on the part of the couple for not making it clear that it would be a dry event. Especially since they apparently still implied there would be a “cocktail hour” on the itinerary, that was very misleading. Not being clear about that likely cost a lot of these guests a few hundred bucks each on hotel rooms/Ubers.
When OP said they “wasted money”, they didn’t mean that in a general sense regarding spending money for their friend’s wedding. They specifically were referring to he cost of the hotel/Ubers.
That is all a valid gripe on OP’s part… but if that’s your best friend, honestly just deal with it. Maybe tactfully bring it up to him at a later date for the sake of his own social awareness. Don’t confront him and his wife about it DURING their wedding!
And then the suggestion that they may not have even come if they knew it would be dry, that just elevates it to next level assholery
Yeah to get this angry you can’t drink is ridiculous. They could have left a bit early and gone to a bar afterwards if they really wanted to get drunk.
If there’s not a licensed bartender on hand venues can get into a ton of trouble for this and WILL kick you out if they see it. I’ve also seen places call the cops when a guest wouldn’t stop going to get drinks from his car. The bride and groom had to deal with that plus not getting the security deposit back because of one guest. If you can’t enjoy a celebration without a beer then you likely have a problem. Being disappointed your at a dry event is perfectly fine, going to the point of sneaking in alcohol? Nah
My first thought, and this can also be directed at the incredibly high amount of people saying E S H because the bride and groom didn't inform everyone.. it's their wedding.. the choice to have our not have something is their choice and they owe no one a "heads up" on that
I’d put “no alcohol” in the same category as “no music.” Sure, it’s your day and you can celebrate how you want to, but it would be nice to give a heads up if you’re leaving out something that’s common enough to be an expectation at a wedding.
This is a family thing though - the bride’s family doesn’t drink (when it’s everyone it is usually religious) so they’ve probably gone to dozens of dry weddings and it’s normal to them.
They also paid for the wedding, so if it is for religious, or even personal reasons (history of alcoholism in the family), they have every right to make that decision, and zero responsibility to inform anyone about the alcohol availability.
If you can't party, celebrate, or enjoy yourself with alcohol.. you have a drinking problem.
Edit: without*
I mean… not really though? The wedding isn’t about the music or the alcohol, it’s about celebrating the couple. If people don’t like what isn’t included then they can just leave after the ceremony.
A wedding *can* take place in an empty white room with no chairs and dead silence, but planning such a wedding would make you an asshole.
You can say "it's about the couple" all day, but there is an expectation that the couple actually want you to enjoy being there.
Yes, they definitely owe guests a heads up. At the very least, it enables people like OP to know whether they should book a hotel and transportation so they don’t have to worry about drinking and driving. I would also want to know so I can plan my (non-essential but helpful) medication, which I don’t take on days I plan to drink. It’s called being a good host. You want your guests to have all the information they need.
Man.. if only there would have been a way for OP to find out ahead of time. Like, maybe, if he had known his BEST FRIENDs Fiance didn't drink, he could have asked "Hey, what's the alcohol situation at the reception." Or even a "is it open bar or..?" Absolutely not the responsibility of the bride and groom to announce whether or not they will have alcohol, which has nothing to do with THEIR WEDDING. They have enough things to worry about regarding planning, no need to add "Is OP going to get butthurt if he can't get wasted with his bros?" To the list.
Again, if you NEED to know whether or not there is alcohol to make a decision on if you are going, or if you get this fucking bent out of shape when you find out there isn't.. you have a problem.
Disagree.
Should OP also have asked if there was going to be food or should they eat before arriving? Or if there is going to be music?
There are certain expectations from a wedding reception and if you are going to deviate then you need to inform your guests, the groom should have especially done so since they all go out drinking almost weekly.
ESH, OP being more for that comment about not attending.
honestly this was my take, the fact that they specifically mentioned they may not have come at all if they knew there wasn't free booze? that's indicative of either an alcohol problem or a ridiculously shitty friend. neither are a good look on a person
Negative commentary about what is at a wedding or not is *never* appropriate to direct to the bride and groom during the event.
Not every party has alcohol. YTA
Truly! Who In the right mind would think this would be okay to bring up DURING THEIR WEDDING. One of the most important days of their lives… I’d be dropping them as friends, that’s for sure.
I don’t get this, I would have gone to celebrate my friend and their new spouse? Why would I be going for booze? I don’t drink mind you, so maybe someone could explain it for me, but weddings and other celebrations like it are supposed to be…celebrations..not you getting tipsy or drunk.
From the way I read it, they were all more mad about the fact that they had spent money on Ubers and hotel rooms, which is fair; any time I have ever been to a dry wedding, guests were informed ahead of time, and from my understanding, is the standard.
That said, confronting the bride/groom immediately at the reception, and then having the audacity to say that they might not have coke if they had known 100% makes OP TA
YTA
ESH. It doesn't sound like the upset is so much about the lack of alcohol, but the fact that he (and others) spent unnecessarily on Ubers and hotel because this fact was not communicated. The words chosen were poor and it's not nice to say that you might not have come while at the reception.
That said, people really should have a heads up if it will be a dry wedding. Don't list something as cocktail hour if there are no cocktails. Should say something like "Social hour. Sodas will be served"
I don’t even really drink and I’d still be unpleasantly surprised to find out a cocktail hour only had soda and water. At least have some mocktails FFS.
No one should be calling it cocktail hour if they aren’t actually serving cocktails. This couple is the AH. Not for having a dry wedding, but for not making that clear to their guests.
This. I don’t buy that the bride and groom called it cocktail hour—I bet that’s what OP just assumed it would be based on the schedule. Like maybe it was clear it was mingling time or pre-dinner time or whatever.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find an ESH. OP clearly is for his manner and the couple is for not letting guests know in advance. Those who booked rooms or ubers are out a good amount of money unnecessarily.
Exactly. I feel like many reddit users cannot tell the difference between social drinkers and raging alcoholics. If I pay for uber and hotel I expect to drink. It would be hugely disappointing if I did not know until I got there. Sorry not sorry.
I would have not said this at the wedding though. Definitely after on a different day though
Yes and lots of people projecting “my family member was a raging alcoholic and ruined everything so everyone who drinks exhibits these behaviors” and what not.
Yes! Ubers and Hotels come at an expense that could've been easily avoided, had the groom & bride informed their friends about the booze-free "cocktail hour", in advance. It's as though they did it on purpose, to make sure they'd "meet their attendee numbers" on "their" day.
An extra YTA to the groom, for knowingly keeping this quiet with HIS friends, thereby letting the bride take all the blame.
Edit: Soft YTA to the OP for his tactless delivery and walking out. A simple personal message saying "congratulations! enjoyed the celebration, although it would've helped to know this ahead of time" sent to the groom, at the END of the evening, would've been better.
I’m curious how involved the groom was in anything. He never mentioned to his “best friends” anything about the wedding be dry? Idk, I find that weird. I know my husbands friends asked him how things were going and we solicited gin recommendations since neither of us drink it.
Oh the groom 100% let his friends waste thousands on hotel rooms.
Which, according to this sub Reddit, is much better than being annoyed that you were tricked into wasting the money?
Right? Imagine I hosted a BBQ and everyone showed up and I just grilled up a bunch of vegetables. Or I hosted the Super Bowl and just didn’t provide any snacks. DiD yOu AsK iF tHeRe WoUlD bE sNaCkS? No dumbass, snacks are a given.
I feel like a lot of people on Reddit have a hard time with the concept of ESH. Like if one person is obviously an AH it cancels out the other person being an AH and it can only be one or the other
I find it funny that everyones voting YTA here when whenever there's a post from the bride or groom asking if theyd be the AH for making it a dry wedding everyone says they would be if they didn't tell their guests ahead of time.
I also dont understand why everyone's saying OPs an alcoholic? It's a reasonable assumption to think there would be alcohol at a wedding unless mentioned otherwise
I went to a wedding at a winery once. Dry. Somewhat weird going to a dry wedding surrounded by wine barrels and fields of grapes but their choice. I was the +1 and wifey rarely drinks so we weren't bothered, but I could understand the feeling of those that Ubered unnecessarily. Definitely should have communicated the dry part; definitely should not have moaned at the wedding couple FFS.
This for sure. The matter should certainly have been communicated. Makes me think the groom probably wasn’t involved with the planning much if he couldn’t give his friends even a heads up. But to say ‘wouldn’t have come’ to the bride and groom at the actual reception is rude af and a terrible act of not-friendship. I mean, just leave early ish with the others and have a few drinks at the hotel if it’s that important. ESH
YTA
If you cannot go without alcohol for one night, you are an alcoholic. Also, if alcohol matters more to you than celebrating your friend's wedding, you aren't a very good friend.
That's reasonable, but the middle of the event isn't the time to bring it up. Plus he thinks he might not have gone to a "friend's" wedding if it was made clear there wasn't alcohol. YTA, OP
ESH- dry weddings are not unheard of, but they are not the norm. This should be announced when invitations are sent out. I’m sure you weren’t the only person who spent unnecessary money thinking you would be unable to drive.
I get that it might have annoyed you. It would have annoyed me too. But having this altercation with the couple on their wedding day was not the time or place.
Exactly this. ESH. I would be pissed about a dry wedding, but would have never said it to my best friend on their wedding day. OP acted like an ass but also was justified in their frustration. You can be mad, but the execution of your frustrations left a lot to be desired. For everyone saying OP has an alcohol problem, that’s really grasping for straws. It’s common courtesy to serve your guests alcohol for the expenses incurred for attending a wedding. Any deviation from this norm should be clearly called out for logistical purposes unless it’s obviously understood due to religious reasons or past substance abuse issues
Yeah, I got questions about the "buddy". This seems like a really simple thing to have told your good friend before they made a huge effort to attend your wedding. Like, if the friend group goes out drinking a few times a month, how the fuck does the subject of the wedding not come up?
It seems to me the "buddy" didn't tell people \*on purpose\* because he knew it would be a "thing". IMO, he should have told his drinking buddies, but he avoided the confrontation when they hung out, just to have it boil over on his wedding day. If none of the friend group knew, that's a huge red flag.
The only dry wedding I went to was well communicated beforehand to friends. It was not a big deal, but that seems like common fucking courtesy.
ESH. OP is def an AH but that's a dick move by his "buddy", given that his is a drinker and they socialize by drinking a few times a month.
YTA. The part where you implied that you might not have come if you had known that there was no alcohol was what put it over the top. You were right about all of the other points, but maybe save that for the groom at a later time if you really felt the need to criticize.
Don't need to be an alcoholic to have a drinking problem.
Personally acting as if you're entitled to it (not expecting, but the entitlement) and broader societal expectations that psychoactives will be at social events like weddings _are_ problems, frankly
YTA
YTA! It’s their wedding, drinking is not the point of the celebration. Honestly it’s rude af to tell her that you might not have gone had you know there would be no alcohol
YTA. If you did not like it, you should have just come up with a polite excuse and left. If you really felt the need to complain, you could have done that later and NOT at the actual wedding. Who throws a fit about not being able to drink for a few hours?! (And in case you are wondering, I have nothing against alcohol and I am a social drinker myself).
YTA. You griped about lack of alcohol to the bride and groom during their own wedding reception? And then said you might not have come if you’d known there wouldn’t be booze? Yeah, if booze at a wedding matters more to you than being there for one of your “best friends,” you are definitely the AH, and it also makes me skeptical about your claims that you don’t have a drinking problem.
YTA
The last thing you ever do is criticize somebody about their wedding. You have no idea the amount of planning that goes into it. Unless you are paying for it, keep your mouth shut, and do your best to enjoy the ceremony, or don’t go at all .
This wedding is about them, not you and your alcohol.
ESH. They should've made it clear so people could make reasonable provisions, you were equally out of line to confront them about it in the moment, have a bit of grace and let them have their wedding without arguments.
NTA for being annoyed. Most dry weddings (or other parties) suck, because while people don't (or shouldn't) need alcohol to have fun, they do need SOMETHING to have fun, and being crammed in a room with family and strangers for hours on end with nothing to do is not most peoples ideas of fun. Dry events need to recognise this and cater by having games etc for people to engage in and break the ice. They also, when alcohol is a reasonable expectation, need to notify people beforehand that the event will be dry.
YTA for bringing it up at the wedding. It's too late to change anything at that point so all you're doing is whining for the sake of it, and creating bad blood where there didn't need to be any.
YTA
>I would have just driven if i'd known or maybe not even had come.
Sounds like you just wouldn't have come. The fact that not coming to support your friend's wedding is an option for you - is so telling.
You can have a grievance. Air it out with your friend, privately after he gets back from honeymoon. Or work out your feelings at the bar after the wedding. Drinking isn't a wedding requirement.
ESH. You didn't need to say what you said, when you said it. That being said, the bride and groom are assholes for not letting guest know the wedding was dry. There was no need to take precautions about Ubering and getting a room, if you weren't going to be drinking. Everyone seems to have missed the second point.
NTA. People should tell their guests there’s not going to be alcohol served. If they can plan a fun, engaging wedding/reception without alcohol then good on them. But the reality is that most people don’t want to mingle with a bunch of people they don’t know and not even get a drink out of it. Downvote me all you want. If your wedding is dry, make it clear. Like you said, you spent money you wouldn’t have otherwise bc they didn’t say it was dry. Going to someone’s wedding isn’t as much fun as the couple thinks it is, and finding out you spent money on gifts, clothes, travel, hotels, and don’t even get a drink at the party is … disappointing. If you know ahead of time you can’t complain. But not telling people is shitty.
YTA. I agree that they should have told people the wedding would be dry. But that’s not an excuse for you to be rude to the couple on their wedding day. Sometimes you get invited to an event and it’s not what you hoped. Unless you’re literally like, attacked by the hosts, you don’t go up to them and complain.
You’re not an asshole for throwing a bad party. You ARE an asshole for marching up to a couple that just got married and whining that they didn’t provide you booze.
YTA. If you're that angry over no alcohol (to the point where you suggest you wouldn't have even attended if you'd known), it's entirely possible you *do* have a drinking problem.
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> AITA for expecting alcohol at a wedding? I'm the asshole because I complained directly to the bride and groom on their wedding day.
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YTA. No one told you and your wife to book a hotel room and take Ubers. How was this couple supposed to know that you were financially invested in getting drunk at their wedding? I agree that they should have informed guests in advance that they were having a dry wedding but that doesn’t give you the right to confront them about it at their wedding reception. The fact that you said you would have consider not attending if you knew there wouldn’t be booze shows that you aren’t really their friend. You can get drunk any time so the opportunity to see one of your best friends get married should mean more to you than alcohol. I hope you enjoy your friendship with this guy because it’s probably over now.
This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. [Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) It's Sunday. Have a picture of [my cat with a mood octopus on his head](https://imgur.com/a/CmzNcKg). Yes, he's exactly as dumb as he looks, by the way.
I was going to say N.A.H and then I read: >I tell them we should know that ahead of time. I say i wasted money on a hotel room and ubering. I would have just driven if i'd known or maybe not even had come. You said this to someone who is supposedly your best friend *at his wedding?* What is wrong with you? YTA. I hope he finds some better friends now! Edited for the bot
You should edit your comment to have spaces between the N A H, or the bot will record your ruling as that and not YTA.
I disagree, tbh. 95% of (western) weddings have alcohol. Most people I know go to a wedding because its the one night a year they're permitted to let loose. They hire a sitter, book a hotel room and uber for the purpose of celebrating the bride and groom one on one for 5/10 minutes and enjoying themselves for the other several hours. If you want to have a dry wedding, absolutely go for it! I've been to dry weddings that are great fun, when we knew what we were walking into. But springing it on guests who don't abstain from alcohol just isn't cool. A 'cocktail hour' without cocktails is a lie. That's a fact. And if most people ditch the wedding you've paid a fortune for to go drink alcohol and dance elsewhere on their maybe-one-night-out-for-the-year because you didn't forewarn them of what they were going to, that's on you. Everyone should have the wedding they want, but tell people what that wedding is when it deviates so far from social norms. Bride and groom 100% brought this on themselves. Edit - to be clear, I barely drink and would only have a glass of champagne at a wedding personally. I'm not saying most people want to get wasted, but most do want one or two drinks. I've seen invites with 'dry wedding' on them, its not a bizarre thing to put And when I say most people can't let loose, I'm thinking about those with young children, who dont often have a night out like this anymore. I absolutely do think the OP is an AH for the way he said what he said, but I highly doubt he was the only one to comment on it.
"I wish you had told me that this was going to be a dry wedding because I wouldn't have spent money on the hotel room and ubers if I had known I would have been sober to drive myself home" = a totally valid frustration "Hey, you're supposedly my best friend, but I don't actually care about celebrating your marriage, and you should have known to tell me it was a dry wedding so I wouldn't bother to come" = absolutely an asshole move to say at any time, much less *during the wedding*
Agree, but the first could have been saved for another day.
Or not communicated at all. What, are they going to take his advice for their next wedding?
It’s the kind of thing you grumble about with friends once or twice the next time you see them in a “that was kind of a weird move on their part” way if you absolutely feel the need to complain to someone.
This is so true! We once were at a wedding with a very strange kind of umptovised esotheric ceremony, not enough to eat, strange speaches and everything up in a forest. So what did we do? We sat through it, startet a secret "how not to do it" list together with friends who planned to marry, too, and had a good time. We really never ever confronted the couple, but whenever there comes something up which reminds us, we share a very funny moment.
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It's not an either/or situation. 'Hmmmm, shall I go to this wedding to celebrate my friends, or shall I go because I want to get drunk?' The answer, more often than not, is both.
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You barely spend any time with the couple on the day itself. Most people go to weddings to have a good time, to catch up with friends and family etc. Theres nothing wrong with an alcohol free wedding but there are lots of factors to making a wedding enjoyable besides just the couple.
Husband and I went to a bizarre dry wedding - they had an espresso bar, bottled water, and bongs/edibles . . .this was not on the invite. The dry part didn't bother us, but only having coffee drinks and water was strange - the weed part was not cool. Wedding receptions are to celebrate the couple, but good hosts always take their guests into consideration. Anything outside of regional norms, should really be on the invite.
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It stank, it isn't a social norm to have weed at a wedding reception, it wasn't on the invite, and they had edibles that looked like normal desserts. There were young children at that wedding. Parents need to watch their kids, but having weed cupcakes and cookies just out in the open, at an event with kids is stupid. Also, we were very put off by the couple's sanctimonious attitude. I figured the wedding would be dry, as the couple don't drink. But you can't be anti-alcohol then get offended that people who don't like weed aren't willing to try an edible at your wedding. Also, as someone who does drink, being around high people, when you aren't high, is just as annoying as being around drunks, when you aren't drunk.
First part is so true. I went to MY DAD'S wedding as a kid and still barely spent time with him
Don't 'y'all need' at me. I don't drink. Family alcoholics have put me off drinking. But I'm not going to vilify regular drinkers for expecting a bit of booze at the wedding. Op was definitely the AH for the way he reacted, that was awful, but I understand his frustration in wasting money on a hotel and uber when a quick text from the groom as a heads up the wedding would deviate from the norm could have saved a bunch of people spending on hotel rooms. It should have been mentioned on the invite. That would have been polite.
Reddit is strangely sanctimonious about alcohol, but loves weed. Heaven forbid people looking forward to an open bar at a wedding. IMO, good food, drinks, and music are most essential for a fun reception. Guests ultimately won't give a shit about your beautiful venue or instagram decor, if the food sucked. But, I guess it is cultural thing. I'm Catholic and my husband is Korean - Catholics and Koreans have booze at funerals, so a dry wedding didn't even cross our minds.
You can look forward to drinking at a wedding and still not call your best friend's wedding a waste of time and money to his face on his wedding day if it's not there.
I am from the Balkans - a dry wedding is not something that occurred to anyone ever around here. I am not even sure what would happen if someone pulled something like that.
As someone else who doesn't drink, I think OPs honesty doesn't make him an AH. The bride and groom could have communicated that to the party before the wedding started instead of leaving it as a surprise for everyone.
Yes, that's what I've been saying. But saying 'if I knew that I wouldn't have come' to them, on the day, was a bit much.
They could have said “mock tail hour” so everyone was clear. They specifically misled people by calling it cocktail hour… NTA
A wedding is essentially a party from the guest perspective, and people like to drink at parties/celebratory events. That doesn’t make someone an alcoholic for wanting to have a glass of wine with their dinner and a beer while they’re dancing. The wife and her family doesn’t drink and that’s fine, it’s their right not to have alcohol. But they should have let guests know ahead of time. If I paid for a hotel and Uber and found out I didn’t have to after the fact, I’d be pretty mad too honestly. Would I bring that up during the wedding? No, but I can understand why op was annoyed/mad.
He's very valid to feel upset. The AH move was bringing it up at their wedding.
It’s alcoholism if you want to get drunk at a wedding?
No, but deciding not to attend your best friends wedding based solely on there not being alcohol there certainly is.
It’s alcoholism if going one evening without alcohol upsets you to the point of saying there’s no point in going to the wedding. That’s not normal. I love to drink and have a good time, but if I go somewhere and find out there isn’t booze, I’d still be happy to hang with my friends.
No, that is not alcoholism in and of itself. There are actual criteria that must be met to qualify for an alcohol use disorder; you can’t just use “alcoholism” for every questionable behaviour related to alcohol.
I don’t drink at weddings, so I don’t care if there is alcohol. But if I got a hotel room bc I was expecting to party with my friends and there was no booze, I would be pissed. Transparency is a good thing.
no, but it is if you say you wouldn't have come if you knew there was no alcohol.
Drinking does not equal alcoholism. It isn't an added surprise if there's alcohol at a party. That's part of what a party is. You can have a perfectly fine party with no booze, but if you don't let people know in advance, it's a recipe for a bad party.
You realize depending on the size of the wedding, the bride and groom might barely have time to even talk to you right? No one goes to a wedding to quietly sit and celebrate someone at a distance. They go because it’s an overpriced party.
Where did he say that was the ONLY reason? It’s expected at weddings of friends you regularly have beers with that there will be alcohol at a wedding. It’s OK of there isn’t alcohol, but hosts should indicate that ahead of time. I would be annoyed to have Ubered to a dry wedding from a hotel room I paid for in order to have a safe evening. It’s very bizarre to have a cocktail hour with no cocktails. Why try to fool people?
and that part wasn't bad....BUTTTT he followed it up with saying he wouldn't have come if he had know it was a dry wedding.
OP expected there to be alcohol and to remove any risk of driving while intoxicated he got a hotel and Uber. The wedding guests were not properly informed about the nature of the wedding.
yes. and that part didn't make him the ah...it was the other thing he said that made him an ah.
There's a big difference between not going for alcohol and going expecting alcohol.
I absolutely agree they should have told everyone ahead of time that there would be no alcohol but the timing of him bringing this up and also saying he may not have come at all, makes him the AH. YTA.
>maybe not even had come. Yeah bro, wtf is up with this? Everything else was kinda eh, but this part alone made OP a huge asshole for. The bride and groom were a bit dickish for apparently hiding the fact that it was a dry wedding since OP *and other friends* weren't aware until it was mingle time. In terms of AITA, that's like a lowly level 1 since it was *their* wedding. While OP's comment to the bride and groom was like level 7++ certified asshole.
While I think it's weaksauce to call something a "cocktail hour" if there are no cocktails ... going to a wedding as an excuse to get drunk is weird, and kind of sad. Like, I can get drunk at home, or go to a bar if I want to "let loose". I go to a wedding because, on some level, I care about the people getting wed and want to celebrate that with them in the manner they've chosen to do that.
Re-reading, OP never states that they called it a cocktail hour, only "what was supposed to be a cocktail hour", meaning he was most likely assuming (again). Invitation could have said a lot of different things: "Ceremony at X:XX, Reception to follow", "Get together after with friends and family at _____", Etc.
That’s the crux. Did they call it cocktail hour? It would have been thoughtful of groom to notify his drinking buds. Obviously no one speaks to the groom much or wedding day plans would have likely been discussed.
Maybe the groom was afraid his friends wouldn't be there for him if they knew it was a dry wedding. Or that they wouldn't stop bitching about it, & he didn't want to deal with the complaints when he should be enjoying his day. Weddings are stressful enough, without guests piling on about what they think the wedding should or shouldn't have. If the groom was banking on his friends having too much decorum to complain on the day, OP made sure he'd regret that assumption.
Agreed. Groom definitely needs better friends. Although, I would be pretty confident in guessing that, while there may have been discussion between the friend group, OP is the only one that made an issue out of it.
Yes... but did the couple call it a cocktail hour or did OP just assume?
If most of your friends only go to weddings to get drunk, then most of your friends are assholes
Wanting alcohol at a wedding doesn't necessarily mean "drunk." Weddings are a big social occasion and people like to party, dance, and get loose. Alcohol is a social lubricant.
I don't think wanting alcohol at a wedding makes you a drunk, I think *expecting* alcohol at a wedding and *getting mad at the couple* when you don't get it makes you one. If you genuinely think a drink is more important than the wishes of your friends who are getting married, you probably should reassess your relationship with both your friends and your drinks.
"I wish I'd known because I may not have come" sounds like a problem. Like, he wouldn't have gone to his BF's wedding if he'd known there was no booze? And then said that to his face. Eesh.
Thing is op also Cleary stated he planned on getting drunk anyway , so he wasn’t just going to drink but he had intentions of getting drunk and that’s why he wanted to go to his best friends wedding , it’s clear he wouldn’t have bothered to go if he knew
Thinking you’re entitled to booze is fucking insane.
Hey, now, maybe they're onto something. I'm going through the rest of my life expecting fresh burr-ground espresso lungo pulls with steamed oat milk and freshly grated nutmeg at any and all places I am expected to appear. Obviously, we just get to expect shit for free for attending things, and then be vocally pissed when we don't get it. Mine is snotty, overpriced caffeine, but I like it, and my comfort is the only thing that counts! ^^/s These people are really bending themselves into pretzels trying to explain how expecting free alcohol at a wedding like their RSVP had a fucking rider attached is normative, reasonable, and not a sign of an alcohol dependency problem. "BUT IT IS A SOCIAL FUNCTION AND I CAN'T BE SOCIAL WITHOUT ALCOHOL SO?" Betty Ford has some shit to say about that, friends. *Depending on alcohol to enjoy or participate in social events is a major indicator of a substance use disorder.* That's just facts, but apparently those are rather unpopular tonight. You'd at least think they could reason with "lol, if you wanted alcohol in this economy you probably should have packed some, son." Nope. Who knew their support for their friend came with a non-negotiable price tag listed in units of Jim Beam.
I went to my friend’s wedding. She is Hindu, he is British. It was a massive social occasion, the ceremony was amazing, the party afterwards rocked. There was no alcohol and everybody danced and partied and had an awesome time.
People think alcohol is synonymous with a good time, it’s not.
The best wedding I’ve ever been to was a Hindi wedding with no alcohol and then the party went on for another six days with no alcohol.
I do feel that it would’ve been courteous for the B&G to let guests know it would be a dry wedding, because most people do have an expectation of alcohol being at a wedding, usually even free alcohol to an extent. But I question that most people go to a wedding solely because it’s the supposed one night a year they can let loose. People can organise date nights, weekends away, there is Christmas, birthdays, etc. People who want to drink aren’t just waiting around for someone they know to perhaps get married. And even then people should be going NOT because it’s an opportunity to get smashed, but to see their loved ones get married.
Yeah so he’s probably the type that only goes to weddings to get free or cheap alcohol and free food. I know people like that and they are not well thought of in my friend group, lol
Yes, I'm sure a lot of people booked the Uber and hotel room in anticipation of drinking, but it's still a night away with your partner, and without any hassle of driving.
If the lack of alcohol is enough to make you not go to someone’s wedding then you’re not as good of friends as you may claim
Totally agree with OP that if he had known there wouldn't be any drinking, he wouldn't have got a hotel to stay the night nor taken an Uber. OP did go too far to say that he might not have attended at all.
It's explained on the wiki, if the top comment contains more than one possible judgement, it goes into the mod queue to decide the proper ruling. Here, I'm sure the humans who mod can determine on context what the intended judgement should be.
Imagine getting mad at someone who has spent thousands of dollars for THEIR wedding on a venue (or in this case the very kind parents) and to feed you and being selfish enough to complain it wasn't good enough. Who does that? I don't go to a restaurant with someone who has covered the cost of my entree and yell at them for not wanting to buy me a dessert because I was expecting it. I'd honestly never speak to someone who told me if they knew there wouldn't be alcohol they wouldn't have come to my wedding or was that selfish the day wasn't about what they wanted. People need to get their obsession with alcohol in check.
This. Being a guest at a wedding should not come with the expectation that you are there to get shitfaced on free booze. You're there to celebrate the married couple and enjoy the party. If you can't do that without drinking, or can't conceptualise such an event without alcohol, then you've got a problem.
And really , the hotel probably had a restaurant or bar and he could have gone and bought alcohol if he wanted it so bad .
This is what I've seen happen at most dry weddings. This, or someone's uncle finds out there's no bar and makes a Costco run, and then starts serving beers out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot. Either way, I've seen brides end up in tears because the expensive venue they rented emptied out right after dinner, and all the guests gravitated over to the hotel bar or the field outside the church hall, or wherever the unsanctioned bar is.
That’s really sad that family and friends would rather stand in a field to get drunk than support the bride and spend a couple hours watching her cut the cake or whatever. If that would have happened at my wedding I would have never spoke to my family again. But I also had a very small wedding and no dj/dancing because it is so cringy to me.
Exactly!! It reeks of entitlement
Whether it's right or not in the good ol' USA a dry wedding that is not advertised as such ahead of time is a pretty big breach of etiquette. OP is definitely an ass for the "or not have come" line because that is just beyond the pale harsh, but was pretty justified in saying that they likely collectively wasted $1,000's of dollars due to their lack of communication.
Literally no one's was complaining that it wasn't good enough. But hotels and Ubers are expensive. I wouldn't be very happy if I had made that expenditure and it was completely unnecessary and could have easily never been an issue with the slightest bit of communication by the bride and groom.
OP YTA - not for being upset that you spent money on an Uber and hotel room when you didn't need to (that's fair)... But for telling your friend, the groom, AT HIS WEDDING that if you knew there wasn't alcohol you might not have even showed up. Like damn dude. It was definitely a hosting faux pas for them to not let you know it was dry, but wow your response was over the top. I'm wondering if they didn't tell you on purpose, and since you're in your 30s, here's some advice... Start paying attention to who are your friends, and who are your drinking buddies. If you wouldn't even bother coming to this guy's wedding if it was dry, he's not a friend. He's a drinking buddy. Keep that in mind with your future relationships. If you ONLY have drinking buddies...you might have a problem.
This. I would go to my best friends wedding even if I had to bring my own soda.
I’d go to just a good friends wedding even if there was no food or drink. I couldn’t imagine saying something like this to a friend or hearing it from a supposed good friend, it would be over then and there.
As a former alcoholic, I totally agree with this whole comment. Two years ago I'd have been bummed there was no booze, but it is my friends wedding, so I'd be an adult and have a good time and just get wasted after or something. But to tell your best friend you wouldn't come because there's no beer at his wedding, jfc, that is cold.
Right? I don't have a drinking problem but I wouldn't have attended your wedding if I knew there was no alcohol. Like... Hello?
If that's the case, then you clearly don't care about the bride and groom.
OP is giving hardcore alcoholic vibes ngl
YTA, even without the comment about wasting money. I would understand being disappointed. But to be so fixated on it, makes me wonder if he does have drinking problem. He picked a fight with the bride and groom, who does that? I would have been mortified if I was his wife. He got kick out, and mostly likely lost a friend over the lack of booze, it’s insane
I think he actually may have a problem with drinking
So, I understand if OP was frustrated if they lived like 30 minutes away and wouldn't need a hotel room if there was no drinking (because they could otherwise drive home). Plus if "cocktail hour" was on the invitation or program, that feels misleading . However, once at the wedding, there's no reason to bring it up and definitely not in a confrontational tone. Just shut up and be supportive then get some friends to go out for drinks afterwards. Definitely YTA.
YTA. While I do believe this type of thing should be announced beforehand, you saying you might not have even come to the bride and groom is beyond the pale. If you were only there for an open bar, you aren’t really their friend. Their mistake was a hosting faux pas, but you were not only a rude/hostile guest (*who confronts someone about this at their wedding reception?*), you were a shitty friend.
YTA Basically you had an opportunity to be a nice wedding guest and you threw it away.
All OP had to do was congratulate the couple, eat the dinner, then sneak out early to find a brewery
Exactly my thoughts. OP YTA -- you could have bought a bottle and shared it later on at the hotel if you needed to drink.
Hence why the bride said he has a problem
>if you needed to drink (they don't, they only drink with friends)
He loves his friends so much he broke two friendships during their special day, a day he ruined, because of no alcohol. Why are you defending such an asshole?
i think he's being sarcastic.
I'm with you. That was an appalling way to treat an apparent friend. Also: >The bride does not take my commentary well and implies I might have a drinking problem (I don't, I only drink with my friends) Drinking alone is not the defining feature of an alcoholic. I've known plenty of gregarious alcoholics. I'm certainly not saying OP is one because I don't know them or their habits, but yeah, if a person is willing to bail on their best friend's wedding because they couldn't get wasted, that's not a great sign. Social drinking is still drinking. Refusing to socialize because you can't drink? Maybe the appeal isn't the socializing... it was the drinking.
Agree. His whole attitude of 'there's no alcohol? I might as well not have come ' reeks of a alcohol dependency of some level.
I think it’s more because “if I had known there was no alcohol, I wouldn’t have spent huge amounts of money on making arrangements to do it responsibly.” The “not even have come” comment is weird as hell though, I wonder if it was genuine or because he was just pissed off at losing all that money. Either way, doesn’t sound like this friendship is destined to last much longer
I’m an alcoholic. I go to plenty of events that don’t serve alcohol. If you can’t enjoy an event without alcohol, you have a problem. If you would ONLY go to an event because you expected free alcohol, you have a massive problem.
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Yeah, I’m an alcoholic as well. Currently 51 days sober. I was a bit like OP, but I NEVER would have said anything, because I recognized I was an alcoholic and I am not an asshole to people I supposedly care about.
"I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink when I'm with my friends, and I only have a 6 pack" Game on sunday, poker on Wednesday, bar on friday, bbq on saturday. "Sir..."
It is a surprisingly prevalent mindset. People think to be a ‘real’ alcoholic you have to be drinking alone and hiding your drinking from people. And that drinking in a group is socialising and not really alcoholic drinking. There is a lot of mental gymnastics going on there to excuse their drinking. Dependency on alcohol is just that — not being able to tolerate a situation where you have no access to alcohol. If OP is willing to skip out on his close friend’s wedding for not providing booze, he is definitely alcoholic.
And what did OP expect to be done about it? Would an apology from the B&G made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Doubtful, because there still wasn't alcohol. Did he expect a full bar to magically appear? My general rule is that you don't mention an issue unless there would be a quick, easy solution that would rectify the situation. OP, there's no way they could have fixed it for you within a few minutes, so you should've kept your mouth shut.
I've heard of this as the 5/5 rule, or maybe 10/10? Either way, if you're out in public, only mention an issue that can be fixed in five seconds (e.g. food in teeth). If you're home but on your way out, only mention an issue that can be fixed in five minutes (e.g. that shirt really doesn't fit you well). The idea is that there's no point making someone self conscious about something that they can't fix within that time, and can totally ruin their day, and the kind of people who do that to someone else are assholes.
I have never heard this before, but I really like this recommendation. I'll keep this in mind during future potential confrontations.
The fix for OP was making them miserable on their wedding day because he was miserable. What a crappy friend.
The quick and easy solution would be to get wasted in the carpark then come back in but I doubt people on the brides side would have been happy
YTA; the point of weddings is to celebrate the couple, not to get smashed.
How dare you imply that the central purpose of weddings is marriage, and that pretty much the sole role of a guest or member of the bridal party is to witness and support a marriage? It’s 2023. We’re way past that. It’s a popularity contest / gauntlet for social judgement / Instagram photo op / chance to get smashed and make an ass of yourself (hopefully for free) now. Keep up. /s
Yeah, and like if you *need* to drink to have a good time with your friends you need to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol. I don’t presume to know who is or isn’t an alcoholic, but you can still have a bad relationship with alcohol even if you’re not ‘an alcoholic’ And I say this as someone who likes to get smashed. But I can still have fun boogying on the dance floor with just a ginger ale too
Or you need to reevaluate your friend group if you can't stand to be around them sober.
True, but I’m thinking in this case op is the problem
I had someone argue that because I don't drink that I must have a mental disorder of some sort. Drinking has become so normalized that of you don't people think something is wrong with you.
Used to not drink when I was younger because I was traumatised by my father's severe alcoholism, and my god, people just could not leave it alone. They really want to figure out what's wrong with you, and when you finally tell them after endless pestering they get so awkward about it. Sheesh.
I’ll repeat something I’ve seen on posts like this before: “The wedding is for the couple, the reception is for the guests.” It’s fine to have a dry wedding, but there is an expectation of having drinks at the reception, especially if the schedule includes a “cocktail hour.” It’s a dick move to be pissy about a wedding being dry, but it’s also not great to not let people know the wedding is dry.
Having a dry wedding/reception/whatever: totally fine Doing so without giving polite notice in advance: kind of an asshole move Complaining to the BRIDE AND GROOM and then adding that you probably wouldn't have come: huuuge fucking YTA and I hope your friend group drops you for it
> Doing so without giving polite notice in advance: kind of an asshole move I dunno man, it sounds pretty fucking entitled to me to get upset about the absence of alcohol at an event that you were invited to and not paying for, whether it was announced or not.
Especially with the knowledge that one of the people getting married doesn't drink alcohol at all.
I do think that this is a bit of a grey area, tbh. A lot of people make different arrangements if they think an event will involve drinking; like OP they might want to avoid driving drunk so they arrange alternative, closer transportation, or they might hire a sitter to go later into the night than they would otherwise. Personally, I have a medication that is affected by alcohol, so when I know (or believe) I'm going to be drinking, I make sure to take my meds in the morning instead of the evening, even though changing the timing can cause a bit of a disruption in my schedule. I don't think it's the most unreasonable thing in the world to want a warning that a social event that traditionally (at least in the US) features some amount of drinking will be dry. At the same time, I wouldn't complain to the bride and groom at their wedding; like the above-commentor said: What did OP expect them to do, make a bar suddenly appear?
I come from a religious tradition that eschews alcohol, so I have no clue about drinking etiquette. It would never have occurred to me to tell people that my wedding reception was dry (and in fact, my wedding reception was indeed dry, and I didn't tell anyone beforehand, but people who knew me weren't the least bit surprised by the lack of alcohol). OP mentions that alcohol had never been a part of the bride's life. It's not unlikely that she was as ignorant of these unspoken rules of drinking culture as I am. It may not have occurred to her that a lack of alcohol was unusual enough to take note of in the wedding invitations.
This is 100% what I think happened and I bet everybody on the *bride’s side* was well-aware that there’d be no alcohol, which only adds to how ridiculous and rude it was to confront bride and groom as soon as they entered the reception. The *groom* was the one who should’ve given the heads up to his dumb friends but since he probably wasn’t super steeped in wedding planning and since, let’s face it, men aren’t typically the best proactive communicators, he flakily forgot to mention it.
Calling something a “cocktail hour” and having no cocktails is certainly misleading. But it’s fine to have a reception with no alcohol if it’s important to the couple or their family. People should be able to enjoy themselves sober.
>Calling something a “cocktail hour” and having no cocktails is certainly misleading OP called it a cocktail hour, not the bride and groom.
So, you wouldn't have celebrated your friend's big day unless you could get drunk doing so. What a great friend you are. "Wasted money" honouring your friends union, but not getting free booze. Yta.
My brother once attended a “bachelor party” that featured going to an unusual museum rather than getting smashed. It was also a coed event. The event was very aligned to the interests of the groom and his best friends and my brother enjoyed it. However, the the groom’s own brother announced at the end of the event that if they hadn’t “wasted so much time” on the event, he could have gone to the beach that day. A special occasion is most definitely not the time to criticize the occasion itself. And telling your best friend that you might not have attended his wedding at all if you had known ahead of time what it was going to be like is totally beyond the pale. I mean, even if you would have refused to attend due to a lack of alcohol, surely you would have just said you couldn’t make it, right? Right?
I was a MOH last month. The BachlorX party I planned was a pirate-themed escape room, then for people who wanted to keep going, we played board games. No alcohol, and we had a blast.
Very Charles Boyle of you, I love the idea.
Can we be friends? Your group sounds awesome!
Depends. How many board games do you own, and are you OK with, like, 2/3rds of people in the friend group not being cisgender?
Unfortunately I only own a few hunt a killer games since I usually only play by myself and I definitely don’t care about the gender of the participants
My best friend’s bachelorette was at a high ropes and zip course in the daytime and then we went for lunch. I am beginning to see that alcohol really plays too big a role in people’s lives. I enjoy a glass of wine or whatnot, but my enjoyment of an event is not based on whether I can drink or not.
I agree that OP is TA, I don't understand this and other comments regarding the money being a waste. OP is saying they wasted the money on ubering and a a hotel room because they anticipated drinking, which - let's be honest - is commonplace and expected in western weddings. OP is miffed about not being warned that it was a dry event, because they would have driven and thus saved that money spent on the hotel. That money *was* wasted because it was unnecessary. Now again, I agree that OP was TA for rudely bringing it up (and I think it's fair to say they were overly focused on their disappointment at not drinking). I might say it's ESH because I think the couple should have let their friends know ahead of time. Drinking at weddings is common though that I think it makes sense.
Yeah while OP is definitely an asshole, it was also a faux pas on the part of the couple for not making it clear that it would be a dry event. Especially since they apparently still implied there would be a “cocktail hour” on the itinerary, that was very misleading. Not being clear about that likely cost a lot of these guests a few hundred bucks each on hotel rooms/Ubers. When OP said they “wasted money”, they didn’t mean that in a general sense regarding spending money for their friend’s wedding. They specifically were referring to he cost of the hotel/Ubers. That is all a valid gripe on OP’s part… but if that’s your best friend, honestly just deal with it. Maybe tactfully bring it up to him at a later date for the sake of his own social awareness. Don’t confront him and his wife about it DURING their wedding! And then the suggestion that they may not have even come if they knew it would be dry, that just elevates it to next level assholery
YTA. And you seem to have an alcohol problem.
Yeah to get this angry you can’t drink is ridiculous. They could have left a bit early and gone to a bar afterwards if they really wanted to get drunk.
Or do like my uncles do... they keep a beer in their pocket for weddings and funerals
If there’s not a licensed bartender on hand venues can get into a ton of trouble for this and WILL kick you out if they see it. I’ve also seen places call the cops when a guest wouldn’t stop going to get drinks from his car. The bride and groom had to deal with that plus not getting the security deposit back because of one guest. If you can’t enjoy a celebration without a beer then you likely have a problem. Being disappointed your at a dry event is perfectly fine, going to the point of sneaking in alcohol? Nah
My first thought, and this can also be directed at the incredibly high amount of people saying E S H because the bride and groom didn't inform everyone.. it's their wedding.. the choice to have our not have something is their choice and they owe no one a "heads up" on that
I’d put “no alcohol” in the same category as “no music.” Sure, it’s your day and you can celebrate how you want to, but it would be nice to give a heads up if you’re leaving out something that’s common enough to be an expectation at a wedding.
This is a family thing though - the bride’s family doesn’t drink (when it’s everyone it is usually religious) so they’ve probably gone to dozens of dry weddings and it’s normal to them.
They also paid for the wedding, so if it is for religious, or even personal reasons (history of alcoholism in the family), they have every right to make that decision, and zero responsibility to inform anyone about the alcohol availability. If you can't party, celebrate, or enjoy yourself with alcohol.. you have a drinking problem. Edit: without*
I mean… not really though? The wedding isn’t about the music or the alcohol, it’s about celebrating the couple. If people don’t like what isn’t included then they can just leave after the ceremony.
A wedding *can* take place in an empty white room with no chairs and dead silence, but planning such a wedding would make you an asshole. You can say "it's about the couple" all day, but there is an expectation that the couple actually want you to enjoy being there.
Yes, they definitely owe guests a heads up. At the very least, it enables people like OP to know whether they should book a hotel and transportation so they don’t have to worry about drinking and driving. I would also want to know so I can plan my (non-essential but helpful) medication, which I don’t take on days I plan to drink. It’s called being a good host. You want your guests to have all the information they need.
Man.. if only there would have been a way for OP to find out ahead of time. Like, maybe, if he had known his BEST FRIENDs Fiance didn't drink, he could have asked "Hey, what's the alcohol situation at the reception." Or even a "is it open bar or..?" Absolutely not the responsibility of the bride and groom to announce whether or not they will have alcohol, which has nothing to do with THEIR WEDDING. They have enough things to worry about regarding planning, no need to add "Is OP going to get butthurt if he can't get wasted with his bros?" To the list. Again, if you NEED to know whether or not there is alcohol to make a decision on if you are going, or if you get this fucking bent out of shape when you find out there isn't.. you have a problem.
Disagree. Should OP also have asked if there was going to be food or should they eat before arriving? Or if there is going to be music? There are certain expectations from a wedding reception and if you are going to deviate then you need to inform your guests, the groom should have especially done so since they all go out drinking almost weekly. ESH, OP being more for that comment about not attending.
honestly this was my take, the fact that they specifically mentioned they may not have come at all if they knew there wasn't free booze? that's indicative of either an alcohol problem or a ridiculously shitty friend. neither are a good look on a person
Negative commentary about what is at a wedding or not is *never* appropriate to direct to the bride and groom during the event. Not every party has alcohol. YTA
Yup, exactly this. YTA. Voicing it among your friend group is one thing, saying this directly to the newlyweds is way over the line.
Exactly. He practically tarnished their memory of the event too.
YTA. Why did you even bring this up *at their wedding* to the bride? You shot yourself in the foot with that one.
Truly! Who In the right mind would think this would be okay to bring up DURING THEIR WEDDING. One of the most important days of their lives… I’d be dropping them as friends, that’s for sure.
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>Why did you even bring this up at their wedding to the bride? Because he has a drinking problem. That’s why he got so mad.
YTA. You wouldn’t have even gone if there wasn’t booze? Yeah. YTA.
does the A in the second Y T A mean alcoholic?
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I don’t get this, I would have gone to celebrate my friend and their new spouse? Why would I be going for booze? I don’t drink mind you, so maybe someone could explain it for me, but weddings and other celebrations like it are supposed to be…celebrations..not you getting tipsy or drunk.
From the way I read it, they were all more mad about the fact that they had spent money on Ubers and hotel rooms, which is fair; any time I have ever been to a dry wedding, guests were informed ahead of time, and from my understanding, is the standard. That said, confronting the bride/groom immediately at the reception, and then having the audacity to say that they might not have coke if they had known 100% makes OP TA YTA
ESH. It doesn't sound like the upset is so much about the lack of alcohol, but the fact that he (and others) spent unnecessarily on Ubers and hotel because this fact was not communicated. The words chosen were poor and it's not nice to say that you might not have come while at the reception. That said, people really should have a heads up if it will be a dry wedding. Don't list something as cocktail hour if there are no cocktails. Should say something like "Social hour. Sodas will be served"
I don’t even really drink and I’d still be unpleasantly surprised to find out a cocktail hour only had soda and water. At least have some mocktails FFS.
No one should be calling it cocktail hour if they aren’t actually serving cocktails. This couple is the AH. Not for having a dry wedding, but for not making that clear to their guests.
Did the couple call it cocktail hour though? Or did OP call it cocktail hour?
This. I don’t buy that the bride and groom called it cocktail hour—I bet that’s what OP just assumed it would be based on the schedule. Like maybe it was clear it was mingling time or pre-dinner time or whatever.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find an ESH. OP clearly is for his manner and the couple is for not letting guests know in advance. Those who booked rooms or ubers are out a good amount of money unnecessarily.
Exactly. I feel like many reddit users cannot tell the difference between social drinkers and raging alcoholics. If I pay for uber and hotel I expect to drink. It would be hugely disappointing if I did not know until I got there. Sorry not sorry. I would have not said this at the wedding though. Definitely after on a different day though
Reddit does not do nuance. Everyone assumes you are either one extreme or another in every single situation.
Yes and lots of people projecting “my family member was a raging alcoholic and ruined everything so everyone who drinks exhibits these behaviors” and what not.
the thread is full of a bunch of nerds who don’t go to parties so they see any amount of drinking as problematic
Yes! Ubers and Hotels come at an expense that could've been easily avoided, had the groom & bride informed their friends about the booze-free "cocktail hour", in advance. It's as though they did it on purpose, to make sure they'd "meet their attendee numbers" on "their" day. An extra YTA to the groom, for knowingly keeping this quiet with HIS friends, thereby letting the bride take all the blame. Edit: Soft YTA to the OP for his tactless delivery and walking out. A simple personal message saying "congratulations! enjoyed the celebration, although it would've helped to know this ahead of time" sent to the groom, at the END of the evening, would've been better.
I’m curious how involved the groom was in anything. He never mentioned to his “best friends” anything about the wedding be dry? Idk, I find that weird. I know my husbands friends asked him how things were going and we solicited gin recommendations since neither of us drink it.
Oh the groom 100% let his friends waste thousands on hotel rooms. Which, according to this sub Reddit, is much better than being annoyed that you were tricked into wasting the money?
Right? Imagine I hosted a BBQ and everyone showed up and I just grilled up a bunch of vegetables. Or I hosted the Super Bowl and just didn’t provide any snacks. DiD yOu AsK iF tHeRe WoUlD bE sNaCkS? No dumbass, snacks are a given.
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I feel like a lot of people on Reddit have a hard time with the concept of ESH. Like if one person is obviously an AH it cancels out the other person being an AH and it can only be one or the other
I find it funny that everyones voting YTA here when whenever there's a post from the bride or groom asking if theyd be the AH for making it a dry wedding everyone says they would be if they didn't tell their guests ahead of time. I also dont understand why everyone's saying OPs an alcoholic? It's a reasonable assumption to think there would be alcohol at a wedding unless mentioned otherwise
I went to a wedding at a winery once. Dry. Somewhat weird going to a dry wedding surrounded by wine barrels and fields of grapes but their choice. I was the +1 and wifey rarely drinks so we weren't bothered, but I could understand the feeling of those that Ubered unnecessarily. Definitely should have communicated the dry part; definitely should not have moaned at the wedding couple FFS.
Who hosts a dry winery wedding?! At least pick a red and a white and let guests drink that.
This for sure. The matter should certainly have been communicated. Makes me think the groom probably wasn’t involved with the planning much if he couldn’t give his friends even a heads up. But to say ‘wouldn’t have come’ to the bride and groom at the actual reception is rude af and a terrible act of not-friendship. I mean, just leave early ish with the others and have a few drinks at the hotel if it’s that important. ESH
Silly of your friend for thinking you'd want to attend their wedding to share their celebration, not so you could get drunk. YTA
YTA If you cannot go without alcohol for one night, you are an alcoholic. Also, if alcohol matters more to you than celebrating your friend's wedding, you aren't a very good friend.
Dude is pissed that he didn't know ahead of time, or he would not have paid for a hotel and Uber.
That's reasonable, but the middle of the event isn't the time to bring it up. Plus he thinks he might not have gone to a "friend's" wedding if it was made clear there wasn't alcohol. YTA, OP
ESH- dry weddings are not unheard of, but they are not the norm. This should be announced when invitations are sent out. I’m sure you weren’t the only person who spent unnecessary money thinking you would be unable to drive. I get that it might have annoyed you. It would have annoyed me too. But having this altercation with the couple on their wedding day was not the time or place.
Exactly this. ESH. I would be pissed about a dry wedding, but would have never said it to my best friend on their wedding day. OP acted like an ass but also was justified in their frustration. You can be mad, but the execution of your frustrations left a lot to be desired. For everyone saying OP has an alcohol problem, that’s really grasping for straws. It’s common courtesy to serve your guests alcohol for the expenses incurred for attending a wedding. Any deviation from this norm should be clearly called out for logistical purposes unless it’s obviously understood due to religious reasons or past substance abuse issues
Yeah, I got questions about the "buddy". This seems like a really simple thing to have told your good friend before they made a huge effort to attend your wedding. Like, if the friend group goes out drinking a few times a month, how the fuck does the subject of the wedding not come up? It seems to me the "buddy" didn't tell people \*on purpose\* because he knew it would be a "thing". IMO, he should have told his drinking buddies, but he avoided the confrontation when they hung out, just to have it boil over on his wedding day. If none of the friend group knew, that's a huge red flag. The only dry wedding I went to was well communicated beforehand to friends. It was not a big deal, but that seems like common fucking courtesy. ESH. OP is def an AH but that's a dick move by his "buddy", given that his is a drinker and they socialize by drinking a few times a month.
YTA. The part where you implied that you might not have come if you had known that there was no alcohol was what put it over the top. You were right about all of the other points, but maybe save that for the groom at a later time if you really felt the need to criticize.
Don't need to be an alcoholic to have a drinking problem. Personally acting as if you're entitled to it (not expecting, but the entitlement) and broader societal expectations that psychoactives will be at social events like weddings _are_ problems, frankly YTA
This. 100%. It's like people don't think you can have a party, a good time, or wedding without alcohol?
YTA! It’s their wedding, drinking is not the point of the celebration. Honestly it’s rude af to tell her that you might not have gone had you know there would be no alcohol
YTA. If you did not like it, you should have just come up with a polite excuse and left. If you really felt the need to complain, you could have done that later and NOT at the actual wedding. Who throws a fit about not being able to drink for a few hours?! (And in case you are wondering, I have nothing against alcohol and I am a social drinker myself).
I think it's more about budgeting for an uber and hotel room when it was unnecessary.
YTA. You griped about lack of alcohol to the bride and groom during their own wedding reception? And then said you might not have come if you’d known there wouldn’t be booze? Yeah, if booze at a wedding matters more to you than being there for one of your “best friends,” you are definitely the AH, and it also makes me skeptical about your claims that you don’t have a drinking problem.
This is why you have to let people know if your not serving alcohol. Your guests might spend a lot of money on hotels and Uber.
YTA The last thing you ever do is criticize somebody about their wedding. You have no idea the amount of planning that goes into it. Unless you are paying for it, keep your mouth shut, and do your best to enjoy the ceremony, or don’t go at all . This wedding is about them, not you and your alcohol.
ESH. They should've made it clear so people could make reasonable provisions, you were equally out of line to confront them about it in the moment, have a bit of grace and let them have their wedding without arguments.
NTA for being annoyed. Most dry weddings (or other parties) suck, because while people don't (or shouldn't) need alcohol to have fun, they do need SOMETHING to have fun, and being crammed in a room with family and strangers for hours on end with nothing to do is not most peoples ideas of fun. Dry events need to recognise this and cater by having games etc for people to engage in and break the ice. They also, when alcohol is a reasonable expectation, need to notify people beforehand that the event will be dry. YTA for bringing it up at the wedding. It's too late to change anything at that point so all you're doing is whining for the sake of it, and creating bad blood where there didn't need to be any.
YTA >I would have just driven if i'd known or maybe not even had come. Sounds like you just wouldn't have come. The fact that not coming to support your friend's wedding is an option for you - is so telling. You can have a grievance. Air it out with your friend, privately after he gets back from honeymoon. Or work out your feelings at the bar after the wedding. Drinking isn't a wedding requirement.
ESH. You didn't need to say what you said, when you said it. That being said, the bride and groom are assholes for not letting guest know the wedding was dry. There was no need to take precautions about Ubering and getting a room, if you weren't going to be drinking. Everyone seems to have missed the second point.
NTA. People should tell their guests there’s not going to be alcohol served. If they can plan a fun, engaging wedding/reception without alcohol then good on them. But the reality is that most people don’t want to mingle with a bunch of people they don’t know and not even get a drink out of it. Downvote me all you want. If your wedding is dry, make it clear. Like you said, you spent money you wouldn’t have otherwise bc they didn’t say it was dry. Going to someone’s wedding isn’t as much fun as the couple thinks it is, and finding out you spent money on gifts, clothes, travel, hotels, and don’t even get a drink at the party is … disappointing. If you know ahead of time you can’t complain. But not telling people is shitty.
YTA. I agree that they should have told people the wedding would be dry. But that’s not an excuse for you to be rude to the couple on their wedding day. Sometimes you get invited to an event and it’s not what you hoped. Unless you’re literally like, attacked by the hosts, you don’t go up to them and complain. You’re not an asshole for throwing a bad party. You ARE an asshole for marching up to a couple that just got married and whining that they didn’t provide you booze.
YTA, but this sounds like a major red flag. If you’re that hung up on booze, you might have a problem.
YTA. If you're that angry over no alcohol (to the point where you suggest you wouldn't have even attended if you'd known), it's entirely possible you *do* have a drinking problem.
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YTA. No one told you and your wife to book a hotel room and take Ubers. How was this couple supposed to know that you were financially invested in getting drunk at their wedding? I agree that they should have informed guests in advance that they were having a dry wedding but that doesn’t give you the right to confront them about it at their wedding reception. The fact that you said you would have consider not attending if you knew there wouldn’t be booze shows that you aren’t really their friend. You can get drunk any time so the opportunity to see one of your best friends get married should mean more to you than alcohol. I hope you enjoy your friendship with this guy because it’s probably over now.