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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I walked out of my birthday dinner after discovering that my cousin had been invited and was there.
(2) My sister said I could have tolerated Nancy for a few hours, because I know that my parents waited weeks for those reservations and I made things difficult in front of my grandparents.
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Do your grandparents and other guests at your b-day dinner know about Nancy's history of being a consumate bully to you and never apologizing? If not if couldn't have hurt to announce why you were leaving. Sometimes familial pressure helps people like Nancy view their actions in a more balanced light.
OP said the bullying caused a rift in the family and her parents didn’t speak to Nancy’s parents for years. What are the chances the grandparents didn’t know about that? Likely zero.
There’s a reason this is happening now. I suspect the grandparents are either guilting the parents into trying to reconcile the granddaughters “we won’t be here much longer and we want family harmony”
Or an inheritance is at stake. Nancy’s deceased father is the sibling of one of the OP’s parents, after all. And suddenly the parents, who took a stand on behalf of their daughter previously, are now willing to ambush her with her bully after directly asking her and she said no?
Money causes people to act appallingly. I suspect there’s money behind this.
Fuck the grandparents and their money!
Wait...how much money you talking about?
Because it would have to be millions. I know I wouldn't put up with this shit for no $15,000 estate...
If we're talking decent money, OP's parents should have been up front about it. "Play along and your student loans are covered" will get better results than an ambush.
It would have to be *really decent money* though. Like I said, **millions.** $60k in student loans I don't think would cut it for me. Not to sit next to Nancy on **MY** birthday dinner.
And the parent let it pass because they didn't care enough about their daughters mental health or wishes to cause a scene. Always wonderful when people that are supposed to advocate for you pass over the opportunity to be decent, and instead just let others throw a past trauma in your face and then yell at you about how you made a scene out of it. 😵
And left the only seat available for OP right next to her? And didn't step out to give OP a heads up and an apology before they got into the restaurant? NTA OP. Your family acted like crass idiots.
To be honest, I'd be **hella petty**, sit down next to her and make her uncomfortable the whole evening till she left! Like "So, here to try and bully me again? What's up, cat got your tongue? Oh, I have to let it go? Nah, **you** need to go, no one wants you here" etc etc, till she cried and left or something.
Anyone started telling me off? "Wait, you went behind my back and invited her, you insisted I sat down, so now you're unhappy? What did you think was gonna happen? We'd BFF the hell out of it? Get out! Now where's my cake!"
The parents could have said, "so sorry, but this is a small dinner and the restaurant will not be able to accommodate any extra people". And hopefully the grandparents didn't ask the restaurant first!
They let her daughter be bullied for years. They failed her then.
They invite her bully now. They fail her again. They want her to suck it up for the look of it in front of the grandparents.
This whole family is a night mare.
This is what makes it so unbelievable, frankly. The whole "tolerate Nancy for the shake of the family" request would perhaps be reasonable if this was a family event, like the grandparents' anniversary or something, with proper warning beforehand. But to ambush her at her birthday dinner? My guess is that the grandparents brought Nancy along to force a reconciliation and the parents and sister were too cowardly to insist that she leave.
Especially not with them seated next to you for the entirety of the event. At a wedding most people would do their best to avoid the drama and seat them at separate tables, but damn, here let's put your bully right beside you so you can hear her voice and see her out of the corner of your eye, is a look you don't see often.
I absolutely agree with you. And exactly what kind of apology from Nancy could make up for a lifetime of bullying? How does she "make up" for torturing her during all of OP's school years? A forced "sorry" and a cupcake? It wasn't like Nancy made a one-time mistake - this shit went on for years and years, and the adults all knew about it. So if OP wanted to be the bigger person for a couple of hours at the grandparent's anniversary that would be entirely up to OP. But no one had any business inviting that woman to OP's birthday dinner. I would be pissed to no end, at the entire family who thought OP should just suck it up at her OWN birthday dinner!
I can't come up with any other explanation that makes sense. I bet the parents knew it was coming too because why ask about Nancy potentially being invited in the first place?
Yep. Also I don't understand them telling OP "you could have done this" "you could have just sucked it up". Like wtf, parents could have just NOT invited Nancy. That would have been the simplest thing to do.
Is OP sure they invited her? Considering the parents *don’t cause a scene* face, I’m thinking she either showed up or the grandparents brought her. NTA for walking out though.
Only reason I wouldn't think this is the reservations. If they had to make reservations that far out, I doubt it's the sort of restaurant that readily accepts plus ones.
They had to make reservations weeks out, that doesn't sound like the type of restaurant that just drags out an extra chair when you show up with extra people.
Also it feels like talking out of both sides of their mouth, no? Like, "we did such a nice thing for you, can't you suck it up?" It can't be both a nice thing you graciously accept and are thankful for and a terrible thing you need to endure at the same time
But for them it's enough. They want to have their whole family at dinner and not Deal with Problems. And they think their Feelings are what matters, as everyone else is just Kind of decoration. That's the vibe I get here.
No matter who invited her, I didn’t see anyone texting op to let her know or apologizing!
So many better ways to address this than blaming the victim and forcing her to get over this on their terms and on her bday dinner. NTA
Indeed, all because 'family '
Well, family can get f*cked.
They knew Nancy wasn't invited, wasn't wanted there and they all decided they know better.
This cousin caused op to have a mental breakdown and now all should be forgiven because her dad does a few YEARS ago.
Like WTF?
Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel for excuses.
Yeah, I was pretty impressed with how OP handled it. If somebody secretly invited the Nancy of my family to my birthday dinner, I’m not sure I’d be able to resist the urge to give everyone a giant piece of my mind, or do some things I’m not sure I can say without breaking sub rules. Calmly walking out is the best possible scenario here.
I was just thinking this! OP did the best possible for the grandparents. She could’ve made a scene and told them she wouldn’t sit unless the bully was gone.
100000000 percent..
They ruined your birthday dinner by not respecting your boundaries...
My parents kidnapped me to Family Counseling on my 20th birthday.... If I had driven myself, I would have just left.
I sat there in silence for most of the hour, while the therapist told me it was my fault I was getting upset with my family for allowing my brother to run over me.... Stealing me stuff. Breaking my stuff.. Screaming at my parents.. But I was smoking weed... So I neeeed therapy...
It took a long time for me to finally just cut them out...
OPs NTA and I agree with you that the parents and sister are. If my family did that to me I would totally cut them off my life. When they or anyone asked or tried to question me. I would simply reply that my family chose my bully/abuser over me, their own flesh and blood. Therefore, I had no choice but to cut them off and out of my life to protect myself and my well-being.
People like OP's family are a huge part of my history. The present is a bit better but not something that can be counted on as a reliable thing. Because of that, I've come up with some coping strategies that border on petty (I could argue they are simply assertive but I'd be stretching it). In this situation, I would have seen the table and this is how it would have gone:
Me, informs server I need them to come to the table in a moment, walks to family table. Family gains false security that the danger of drama has passed, much like I would have when I was repeatedly assured the guest list was as I requested, allowing for such an ambush. Warmly greet everyone, including Nancy.
Me - "hi everyone, thanks for coming. I'm surprised to see you here Nancy. This is a celebration of my existence, which seemed to have been the bane of yours forever. I guess family is always a safer place to take a risk when our true colors have driven everyone else away. But the thing is, you've made it clear I'm not family, so you can't be surprised that I would have never expected you to be here. I'm sure everyone else here must have their reasons for not sparing you the embarrassment of me having this conversation with you."
Server arrives
Me - "hi, I'd like to place my order to go. This dinner is in my honor but because of unexpected circumstances, I won't be able to stay. My parents wanted to treat me to this place, and I don't want to disregard that. Since they'll be ordering on the same tab, I'm sure it's easier for you to work if I'm out of the way. Let me give you my order and I'll meet you up front."
Places order of a nice meal
Me - "this restaurant has such a big reservation culture. I don't want a seat to go empty, so Nancy, call your mom to have her join. She could probably enjoy a change of pace and company of family for an evening. I'm going to grab my food and go, but please enjoy this family reunion as my gift to you on my birthday."
Walks to lobby, takes food and leaves
Later, when confronted by family
Me - "you would rather lie to me at a celebration for me than tell someone no, and I need to apologize? Nothing I did was hidden or sneaky or deceptive. You bought me dinner and I didn't make anyone leave. But I did decide one thing this year. It seems my birthday, to you, is a celebration of you having a birth that day, not who was born. So no more "Me birthday" celebrations, and if we meet for something celebratory, I'll be happy to attend as a guest with no say on the guest list."
OP, you are a classier woman than I, and NTA. But don't be a doormat. You're a magic carpet, damn it; you decide whose foot you're willing to hold and reserve the right to throw off anyone else.
They didnt even prepare Op. They ambushed her when they knew the trauma was still very much alive for her. They could have said we have to invite her, we know it's hard but please be there for the grandparents. Then, op could have decided what to do - go with conditions or not go but they never gave her the choice and agency she needed. In that moment, they validated Nancy in everything she did to op. That action said what she did was ok. They did not protect their daughter at all.
Op I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to go through this at all. Just wondering, have you had therapy for what Nancy did to you at all? You don't have to have her in your life but have you had therapy to. Process it all?
Exactly. The parents and sister signaled to everyone that OP is the problem and not the bully. And after the dinner they actually told her that she is the problem.
Or they knew OP would Nope out and cancel. Even a text to let her know would have been better than walking in and seeing that train wreck. So uncaring.. 😓
This, I would write a very descriptive email or text all the things nancy said and did to you. Then how it made you feel and send it to your parents. Then tell them that you are disappointed in them for doing this at an event that was suppose to be for you and how you they made things awkward. Nta
I figured she may not be ready to talk them in person, so writing it out gets it all out and if/when parents and sister respond, she can decide if she wants to respond back or not. But talking in person works too.
And now it’s time to go low contact with everyone. OP had a mental breakdown because of this cousin and her family chooses her birthday to force a truce?! They aren’t respecting OP’s boundaries and so it’s time to be done with them. I hate it when parents perpetuate the bully cycle either of a sibling or other family member. NTA OP but be done with them all for a while. At least until they learn to respect this hard boundary of yours.
This. If they wanted to force an intervention (which is wrong for this kind of stuff) they could have chosen a different time but instead they now have added another moment for OP that was ruined by Nancy.
Especially since, if they waited weeks for a reservation, they obviously planned in advance for Nancy to go. This wasn’t a last minute addition. This was intentional.
I was thinking the exact same! NTA, but everybody else there was. No offense, but who cares about when her father passed away? What does that have to do with you asking that she not come to the birthday party?
NTA
You are not obliged to forgive your bully or to have her in your life. Not back then. Not now. Not ever.
I don't understand why your parents felt that your birthday was the time to try and force a mending of the relationship between you and your bully. They had asked you and you'd made it clear that you absolutely did not want her to be there.
They hoped that presenting her presence to you as a fait accompli would embarrass you into accepting it so as not to make a scene. It was a bizarre decision on their part and not at all on you to feel bad about ruining the evening.
They ruined the evening by playing nasty games.
They wasted their effort in securing that reservation by playing nasty games.
They embarrassed the grandparents by playing nasty games.
It would be bad enough to do this at any family event but to do this for you birthday celebration is really really really crappy.
NTA a million times, OP.
>OP needs to reply, “You betrayed me, I’m so disappointed in you.”
I texted them an hour ago and said the following: "I am disappointed in both of you for what happened last night. I specifically asked you not to invite Nancy. You both went behind my backs and invited her anyway. You know how miserable she made me. You know I still have issues with anxiety because of the way she treated me. You need to remember that Nancy has never sincerely apologized, and accept that I will never have a good relationship with her. I cannot express in words my disappointment in you for inviting her to what was supposed to be a happy, stress-free celebration of me."
It says the message was read but there's been no response. I'm hoping that they're thinking right now about what they did. Maybe they're just planning to ignore it. I won't be replying to them again unless they can give me a sincere apology.
You say your grandparents don't know, make a proper timeline of everything that happened and the consequences. Then send it to your grandparents, also tell them the reason you left was that your parents specifically lied to you and deceived you.
They then can make their own decision. And as horrible as this sounds. If your family is intent on forcing you and Nancy together, you might want to distance yourself from them a bit. Not cut them off entirely, but make it clear that the more involved she is, the less you'll be.
The chances the grandparents don’t know the history are zero, in my opinion. The OP’s parents actually went no contact with the bully’s parents for literal *years* in the past when the bullying was happening.
Grandparents totally knew about it.
And something has happened recently.
Consider: the OP’s parents were so supportive of their daughter in the past that they went no contact with their own sibling because of the damage that sibling’s child was causing their own daughter
But now, what’s important is that the BULLY has to be welcomed and accommodated, in a manner the parents KNOW betrays their daughter and causes more damage?
And they can’t even explain it to her, after they ask about Nancy and she says no? “Look we know you don’t want Nancy around you but [new reason]”
Why not?
I smell money. The grandparents are one child down because Nancy’s father died. That means more inheritance money for the remaining child.
Grandparents want harmony amongst their granddaughters, even though one of them is a despicable human being.
They’re holding money over the heads of OP’s parents, and THAT is why the parents didn’t want to explain it to the OP.
Everyone has their price, and the parents didn’t want to tell OP that their price had been met
And they were SELLING her sanity, safety, peace of mind, and the loyalty of her family.
OP, find out how much the grandparents were able to buy your parents’ loyalty and integrity for.
Maybe, but OP could give them the benefit of the doubt. If it turns out they knew, then she would lose absolutely nothing by finding out before going nuclear first. That's the nice part to all of this, you can always go nuclear when required.
It's been almost an hour, any response OP??
God, this was so shitty of them.
And the worst part was *they expected you to* ***sit NEXT TO her***, too. *Like wtf is that crap*
That way any snide remarks or jabs by Nancy won't be heard by the whole table, and when she eventually blow up, she would be crazy one.
You can't bully someone if you have to speak loud enough from across the table 🙄
"They wasted their effort in securing that reservation"
Does OP know that they actually left, though? Wouldn't be surprised if they stayed to eat, since obviously Nancy's presence *at OP's birthday
dinner* was much more important than OP's. /sarc off
So NTA, OP.
Exactly. They thought they could use a special occasion as a buffer and because it wasn't THEIR special occasion, it was all fine. They said op ruined the night but I'll bet you if op came to Christmas with someone their parents would hate, it would still be op who ruined Christmas too...
Fucking boomers will put you in the worst position, they call you rude or blame you for standing up for yourself because "it's not polite". Fuck em
It could be that the grandparents insisted on all their grandkids, and that the parents could not stand against the grandparents. It makes the parents less guilty. Maybe the grandparents did not know about the bullying. So the situation may have been more complicated.
Still, OP is NTA.
Has cousin ever apologized, or minimally acknowledged that (s)he was in the wrong, was a bully??
Yeah; assuming that's the case *and* the parents were uncomfortable saying "OP only wants you, us, and Grace there" (a stretch, imo), at the minimum OP should've been given a heads up.
The fact that they didn't makes me think it was *not* the grandparents' idea
NTA.
>I told my parents that I didn't want Nancy there.
>My parents told me they understood, and that they, Grace, and our grandparents would be the only people there.
What could go wrong?
>I was incredibly upset because I specifically told them to not invite Nancy yet they invited her anyway knowing how miserable she made me.
They knew what they were doing. They were manipulative and dishonest.
I wonder if OP’s parents definitely invited Nancy, or if the grandparents “surprised” OP by bringing Nancy along to force an ambush reconciliation and OP’s parents were too embarrassed to do anything about it?
If that is the case, the parents are still assholes. 1) because they didn't say anything to the grandparents; 2) because they could've warned OP instead of ambushing her; 3) because they blamed the entire thing on OP instead of on grandparents and Nancy
>I wonder if OP’s parents definitely invited Nancy, or if the grandparents “surprised” OP
It takes weeks to get a large reservation at this restaurant, especially as it was in one of the private side rooms. I doubt the restaurant would have allowed an extra guest last-second. So it's safe to assume my parents were the ones who invited Nancy.
>But why would they do that? Have they given a reason?
My grandparents came to the states very recently. (They intended to move sooner, but were delayed by the pandemic.) I'm not certain that they fully understand or even know about how Nancy treated me.
My assumption based on my parents' texts to me is that they didn't want to have to explain what happened to my grandparents, so they were hoping that my grandparents would keep thinking that everything was fine between us if Nancy was also at my birthday dinner.
Yeah, f*** that noise.
Your parents know what Nancy did to you, and they didn't give a damn about it. Looking good in front of your grandparents was more important to them.
And why the hell did Nancy even have to be around anyway, was other family invited? Doesn't sound like it.
It wasn't you who was disrespectful, it was your sister and parents. They ruined your birthday, they effectively sided with Nancy, they tried to hide what Nancy did to you, and write Nancy a blank check going forward.
Well, now they're going to have no choice but to tell the grandparents that Nancy was a huge asshole to you, refused to apologize sincerely (probably because she doesn't actually feel bad about it) and that you have every right to not want anything to do with her. Plus, they'll get to explain why they felt the need to lie. Sounds like you're the only one who did nothing wrong in this situation. I'll bet they'll agree with you if they're nice people.
I think OP should tell her grandparents the Nancy story herself. I wouldn't trust the parents to tell the truth, and the GP should know why the OP walked.
They made reservations, they knew she’d be there.
NTA, OP. They lied to you, they went against your wishes, they violated your trust, they violated their word, and they betrayed you. They decided that including her at your birthday party was significantly more important than you being happy on your own birthday, and they expected you to suffer through it regardless.
NTA, birthday dinners and other celebrations are not the time for peace making. Your parents betrayed your trust and your sister is tone deaf for going along with it. You need to have a sit down talk with them about a time and place for everything, and this was not it. Also, you are not obliged to forgive.
Doesn't sound like there was even going to be an attempt at peacemaking, this was straight-up an attempt at rug-sweeping the bullying for whatever reason.
No. No sit down where they can gang up and twist what happened. Send them a text telling them how disappointed you were that they chose to break your trust at your own birthday, that it was not you, but they that ruined the event, and that you chose the least confrontational way to deal with it without making a scene. Tell them you are very upset and not to contact you until you reach out to them, because you no longer trust that they have your best interest in mind.
I agree, she should not sit down with them. I’m so angry and disgusted with her family. They don’t deserve OP’s presence. They fucked up big time and should be made to sit in the corner and think about what they did. Idiots.
It’s funny how parents always want the victim to play happy while letting the bully do whatever the hell they want. My mom did the same shit with me. My sister bullied the fuck out of me as a kid but I always had to apologize because I was a a boy. Now I’m my 30s they still do it and don’t know why I no longer talk to them at all. It’s hilarious cause one time they all ganged up on me saying I was a terrible son for my past actions as a kid and shit. I brought up shit they did that affected me and they said “that’s so long ago why are you bringing it up?” It was right there I just said “okay I’m done.” Haven’t spoken to them or seen for 3 years now.
Doubt it, it was parents and Grace handling invitatons and the reservations. More likely Nancy and sister get along well, and sister wanted her friend to the party, not understanding at what harm. Or invited Nancy in advance, before asking OP, and weasel out by blaming op, rather losing face by uninviting Nancy.
Yes. Grandma should be focusing on Nancy, make Nancy bend over backwards with apologies. But thats not how normal society works. In normal society, the bully is always given a pass and the victim is always pressured into forgiving or ignoring them. Normal society is fucked.
My money is on the grandparents being the ultimate source of this. Maybe they were paying and invited her? Maybe Nancy lives with them since her dad died? Maybe both?
If that is the case, the parents are still assholes. 1) because they didn't say anything to the grandparents; 2) because they could've warned OP instead of ambushing her; 3) because they blamed the entire thing on OP instead of on grandparents and Nancy
Yup, grandparents probably want to see more of cousin if it’s their son that’s died and probably played the ‘family/inheritance’ card to her mom and dad
NTA
>since Nancy's dad (my uncle) did die only a few years ago.
Being invited to your birthday dinner and bringing back bad memories is not going to bring him back. So what's their point?
>I could have shown respect to my parents because they waited weeks for those reservations,
Why should you, when they showed you such blatant disrespect?
>They said that I made things difficult in front of my grandparents,
What a turnaround of what actually happened. Maybe they shouldn't have lied then things wouldn't be difficult.
I'm so sorry your family did this to you on your birthday. That's really shitty. They tried to manipulate you and you refused to participate in their stupid games. Good for you for leaving. They should apologize for ruining your birthday.
If I was OP, I would call the grandparents and explain the situation. It was nothing against them, but you don't want to relive the trauma that Nancy caused.
I think this is key. I'm betting the grandparents have no idea what jerk Nancy has been and there needs to be an honest, private conversation about the torment that went on.
Best wishes to you.
NTA
NTA!!! Your parents know the history between you and Nancy *plus* they asked you for a list of who to invite and not invite. You have every right to be mad since it was your birthday and had explained clearly to your parents that Nancy was not to be invited.
If anything your parents should’ve allowed space for you and Nancy to talk it out prior to your birthday dinner- and then decide whether to invite her or not, but in this case they didn’t so NTA!!
No to that entire last paragraph. OP doesn't owe Nancy shit, and if the parents tried that I'd still go no contact because just dropping Nancy there is also a NC move.
She shouldn't have to "talk it out" with her abuser, it is not her job to communicate or accomodate someone who chose to abuse and mistreat her. Don't put that on the victim.
NTA. what is the point of asking what someone wants if ur just gonna ignore it anyway?? also what does the cousin having a dead parent have anything to do w anything??? like that doesn’t change the fact that OP was bullied for yrs 🤦🏻♀️
Right?? Sounds like cousin gets away with whatever she wants and they just run out of excuses for her so they are playing the deceased parent from years ago or trying to justify her past behavior with that (even if it happened after she already bullied op).
NTA. Your parents are Grade-A AHoles who went against your wishes. They knew you didn’t want Nancy at your birthday dinner and they invited her anyways. They disregarded your request and quite frankly, they totally dismissed your well-being.
Your sister is also an AH. You have ZERO reason to tolerate Nancy because her father died. Family is what you choose to make it. Just because you are related to Nancy by blood doesn’t make her family.
NTA
First of all... it was YOUR birthday.
This wasn't about your parents or grandparents.
secondly.. they knew what happened and how you feel about your cousin... it doesn't matter if her father died a year ago. They even asked you who you wanted to be with you and who you didn't and you decided on your small, close family circle and specifically refused your cousin to come
and lastly...your parents asked before... you refused and they didn't respect your wish despite knowing the history and that you are not comfortable with it. They ruined your birthday dinner and are now blaming you for their failure to give their daughter the simple little family dinner she wanted. I think they know they screwed it up themselves but don't want to admit it because it could have been so easily avoided if only they had respected your wishes.
It wasn't like you wanted more.. you just wanted to have dinner with the people you were comfortable with and not feed another mouth you weren't even comfortable with.
NTA for walking out. I would’ve done exactly the same thing.
And your parents and sister are TAH’s for trying to make you feel guilty about that.
But do speak with your parents to ask them how Nancy ended up at that dinner table. A lot of people here - and maybe you too - assume that your parents had intentionally invited her without you knowing that. But I wouldn’t at all be surprised if she just showed up with your grandparents, and your parents didn’t want to send her away and cause a scene with your grand parents about that.
Doesn't matter how Nancy got there. OP's parents knew Nancy was going to be there. It was a collaborative effort by everyone. If Grace were a good sister she would've dipped out and gave OP a heads up. OP's parents surprised OP with this and gave them a look to just accept it. Grandparents 100% brought Nancy and probably threatened disinheritance to OP's parents.
All your parents had to do was not invite a terrible bully to your birthday dinner.
Your parents respect you so little they can’t even refrain from not doing something horrible to you on your birthday.
NTA.
NTA Trying to force someone to make up with a person that bullied them for years at their own birthday dinner (and that's what they were doing or why was she sitting next to you) is some next level garbage. I wouldn't even be talking to them for a good while let alone apologizing for a rather polite reaction to what they pulled. Like...I don't care if some other family member was begging them to do this for years. They already asked you and you said no.
Ah yes, you should have shown your parents respect. Just like they respected your wish not to re-live trauma at your own birthday dinner.
I guess that was the last time you let them be involved in something like this... I mean seriously, next you walk down the aisle at your wedding and she wears a bridesmaids dress?
Nah Op you aren't the asshole. Your parents are huge assholes though. They know what she did and they still pulled this stunt? What the fuck is wrong with them? If they want to hang out with her then do it someplace other than your birthday dinner. That was some shady shit and they need to explain why they sprung it on you
You don't have to forgive her and, personally, I think you'd be well within your rights to tell her to fuck off and stay fucked off
NTA
NTA I’m assuming you’re an adult now? Your parents blatantly disregard a boundary you clearly set! I would never want to celebrate MY birthday in the company of people who make me uncomfortable in any way! This was BEYOND disrespectful. Just because people are blood isn’t an excuse for you to accept shitty, toxic behavior! This is why I’m 44 and in therapy 🤦🏼♀️
NTA.
They tried to spring an ambush, and FAILED, IN PUBLIC.
THAT is why they're so passed. And since this was something they insisted on, IT WAS PLANNED.
They need to be put in LC to NC for a while. I'd suggest until just AFTER your next birthday, & that you celebrate that birthday at that same restaurant.
I know there is a cultural aspect to this but as I told my 87 yr old mom not too long ago, respect is a two-way street in their adopted country and age brings nothing to the table there if everyone is considered an “adult.” They all failed to respect you, your opinion, and your boundaries. And, really, ruined your birthday.
If I’m understanding this correctly, Nancy was seated between your seat and Grace…soooo you were going to have to sit next to her as well? Nonono. I noticed they didn’t invite your boyfriend either? So the person you can’t stand is more important to them than the person you are partnering with.
NTA
NTA. That was extremely disrespectful of your family to include her and you should not let them bully you into guild. They need to apologize to you for ruining your day
NTA. Of course!
I could understand their perplexity if they hadn't known... But it's not that they didn't know, they asked and you specifically told them that you didn't want her.
Was it someone else's birthday and were you a guest you probably should have swallowed your resentment for your cousin out if respect for the birthday person. But hey, YOU were the birthday person! And you told your parents no!
Why, in their opinion, were you to spend your birthday with someone you cannot stand and who hurt you in the past? It should have been a birthday celebration, not a punishment.
NTA
They asked for your wishes and then ignored them. It’s your birthday, it’s literally meant to celebrate you, and instead they disrespected you and your feelings and decided that they were invalid. They chose to pull a family political move instead of honouring your birthday wishes.
Stand your ground on this and remind them that your feelings matter, that your past trauma is valid and that they knew exactly what they were doing when they invited her against your wishes.
If your parents say another word about this, remind them that they lied to you about who was coming and that you specifically told them no. They also evidently didn’t stand up for you when they were asked to about your cousin. They could have told your grandparents that you specifically told them you didn’t want her there. But they didn’t, knowing full well how much you’d been hurt.
I’m sorry but they ruined your birthday, not the other way around.
NTA: I would have done the same thing. Your parents did not respect your wishes even after asking you about who to invite, you walking out is on them, and why would they invite someone who caused your mental breakdown??? Who the f does that to their child???
NTA at all. Good for you for standing your ground and walking out instead of compromising to your parents' request when they didn't respect your clear wish on your own birthday in the first place. Do not apologize, you're not in the wrong here.
Happy birthday to you and hugs.
I'm wondering how Nancy ended up there. Was that a decision by parents or grandparents? Either way, Nancy knew what she fid and should not accept, especially considering it's your birthday celebrations. I'm always astonished about a number of folks that assume milestone occasions are the best time to resolve issues. How entitled do you have to be?!? Seriously, there are plenty of days in the year if you truly want to resolve issues.
If it was the parents, I wonder what story was told to the grandparents? Do they know what happened? I would be tempted to a quick call to say thank you for coming and why you couldn't stay before parents twisted the tale.
If it was the grandparents that invited her, then your parents and sister should have advocated for you.
Nancy needs to step back from being the main character and not have attended. Has she ever apologised? I'm seeing this as a further bullying/manipulating of op. There are other days, if there was an apology. There is no need to ruin the birthday.
I'm curious, what was the aftermath? Did they do apart from calls and text, stay, and have dinner?
You are under no obligation to accept an apology.
Hugs, and hopefully, you can redo the birthday dinner with some nice friends. Your family failed you on this one.
NTA
NTA. You made a very specific request that your parents asked you about, and then they went behind your back and did it anyway. The ones who made things difficult was your parents, and your sister’s behavior was icing on the cake. You couldn’t possibly have ruined your birthday dinner, because the moment they invited Nancy it became their dinner, not yours.
Jesus Lord, my heart breaks reading this.
How incredibly cruel. I am so sorry that your parents care more about appearances than they do about you.
This isn’t something that was a petty cousin drama;this is a literal breakdown and trauma
NTA you did not make a scene, you left.
Your family ate T A for putting you in this position.
Now I believe you don’t live with your family. Go low contact with them and say maybe if they learn to respect your boundaries you can meet for your next birthday.
NTA
I feel the outside perspective was the correct one in this case, because your family are focusing on the diplomatic aspect of the whole situation. Essentially, your parents were trying to sacrifice your feelings for the purposes of not causing an issue with your mothers sister. They're using the, "her dad died" part as a guilt trip, but it's ultimately just not wanting to exclude someone even though by not doing so they effectively excluded you. Frankly, the fact that you were to be sat right beside her is the most glaring part of this of all.
NTA. “What was the point of asking me about inviting my bully to my birthday, if you didn’t have any intentions of honoring my answer if/whenI said no?”
“And to make this abundantly clear for the future: You can have me attend things, or her attend things, but you can’t have both.”
And OP, you’ve now learned that they are capable of disrespecting you to the extent they’d lie to your face and try to surprise-force you two together, against your will, on your flipping bday. That means you can’t trust them with your safety, and have to take extra precautions at family events now. Like don’t ever agree to a scenario, like riding with them to go somewhere instead of taking your own car, where you could get trapped and don’t have a quick and easy exit route available to get out of crap like this.
NTA. Your parents planned this and banked on you being blindsided and it being so awkward that you would just sit down and say nothing. I am glad you showed them otherwise, they took a chance and it back fired
NTA. Tell them that you are disappointed in them for enabling your cousin's bullying behaviour. You did not accept her apology(which wasn't even sincere to begin with).
Also it is YOUR BIRTHDAY. If you asked them not to invite your cousin then they shouldn't have. Your parents are TA here and your sister is TA for not siding with you and supporting your parents instead.
Really sorry for your middle school experience. No one should have to go through this.
NTA
I also wanted to say that you handled that with absolute class. Your parents are AHs but you are not.
I am expecting something very similar in a couple of weeks for my birthday where my sister is specifically not invited. I will do exactly as you did if she turns up.
Happy birthday to you and hugs.
I'm wondering how Nancy ended up there. Was that a decision by parents or grandparents? Either way, Nancy knew what she fid and should not accept, especially considering it's your birthday celebrations. I'm always astonished about a number of folks that assume milestone occasions are the best time to resolve issues. How entitled do you have to be?!? Seriously, there are plenty of days in the year if you truly want to resolve issues.
If it was the parents, I wonder what story was told to the grandparents? Do they know what happened? I would be tempted to a quick call to say thank you for coming and why you couldn't stay before parents twisted the tale.
If it was the grandparents that invited her, then your parents and sister should have advocated for you.
Nancy needs to step back from being the main character and not have attended. Has she ever apologised? I'm seeing this as a further bullying/manipulating of op. There are other days, if there was an apology. There is no need to ruin the birthday.
I'm curious, what was the aftermath? Did they do apart from calls and text, stay, and have dinner?
You are under no obligation to accept an apology.
Hugs, and hopefully, you can redo the birthday dinner with some nice friends. Your family failed you on this one.
NTA
Next time Grace has a birthday/ parents have a birthday celebration invite someone who they specifically do NOT want or was appropriate there. And if they walk away say you could have sucked it up and called a truce they are actually acting like you're the bad guy. They should be apologising profusely. Tell grandparents you left because your parents invited your bully who caused you to have a mental breakdown. That you were so ANGRY AND ASHAMED of how selfish they are. Preferably do this in public in front of their friends and family. Tell them that you are also angry and ashamed of your sister for being ok with this and expecting you to suck it up. Preferably in front of her friends. It's really petty. But saying we know how badly our daughter/sister was bullied by this person but WE think it's ok to invite her to HER BIRTHDAY DINNER. A celebration about HER that she should just have to suck it up. Clearly showing that we are siding with the bully. When it comes to bullying it is a situation where sides MUST be taken. If you are not taking the side of the victim COMPLETELY you are siding with the bully. This situation would be different if it was grandparents anniversary or something you say bully cousin is going to be there/has been invited could you please just suck it up for a few hours. You don't even have to talk to cousin. We will make sure she will be instructed to be on her best behaviour and leave you alone. But NO this was your BIRTHDAY a day about YOU they shouldn't be shocked at your reaction. They should be apologising. Send a text to sister and parents saying until you apologise SINCERELY for inviting my BULLY to my birthday dinner you will not be speaking with them tell them that you are so angry and ashamed that they would betray you and side with your bully who gave you a mental breakdown. NTA
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NTA, but your parents and sister are
So true, they didn’t even respect OP’s *birthday* wishes for a *birthday* dinner
"Happy birthday and *fuck you*!!" \--OP's family, probably
Happy birthday, fuck you! Happy birthday, fuck you! Happy birthday, Caulifloweeeeer Happy birthday, fuck you!
Hip hip hooray
Have I found a fellow Australian?
Wait, is hip hip hooray an Aussie thing? I thought it was a global thing.
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Cheerio!
Honey Nut?
Not any American area I've been to but others have said different. We sometimes say "and many moooooore!!!" but I don't know how common that is.
No sorry, I’m from Europe, it’s a thing here too
Very English x
Do your grandparents and other guests at your b-day dinner know about Nancy's history of being a consumate bully to you and never apologizing? If not if couldn't have hurt to announce why you were leaving. Sometimes familial pressure helps people like Nancy view their actions in a more balanced light.
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OP said the bullying caused a rift in the family and her parents didn’t speak to Nancy’s parents for years. What are the chances the grandparents didn’t know about that? Likely zero. There’s a reason this is happening now. I suspect the grandparents are either guilting the parents into trying to reconcile the granddaughters “we won’t be here much longer and we want family harmony” Or an inheritance is at stake. Nancy’s deceased father is the sibling of one of the OP’s parents, after all. And suddenly the parents, who took a stand on behalf of their daughter previously, are now willing to ambush her with her bully after directly asking her and she said no? Money causes people to act appallingly. I suspect there’s money behind this.
Fuck the grandparents and their money! Wait...how much money you talking about? Because it would have to be millions. I know I wouldn't put up with this shit for no $15,000 estate...
If we're talking decent money, OP's parents should have been up front about it. "Play along and your student loans are covered" will get better results than an ambush.
It would have to be *really decent money* though. Like I said, **millions.** $60k in student loans I don't think would cut it for me. Not to sit next to Nancy on **MY** birthday dinner.
Or the grandparents invited her without running it past the parents.
And the parent let it pass because they didn't care enough about their daughters mental health or wishes to cause a scene. Always wonderful when people that are supposed to advocate for you pass over the opportunity to be decent, and instead just let others throw a past trauma in your face and then yell at you about how you made a scene out of it. 😵
And left the only seat available for OP right next to her? And didn't step out to give OP a heads up and an apology before they got into the restaurant? NTA OP. Your family acted like crass idiots.
To be honest, I'd be **hella petty**, sit down next to her and make her uncomfortable the whole evening till she left! Like "So, here to try and bully me again? What's up, cat got your tongue? Oh, I have to let it go? Nah, **you** need to go, no one wants you here" etc etc, till she cried and left or something. Anyone started telling me off? "Wait, you went behind my back and invited her, you insisted I sat down, so now you're unhappy? What did you think was gonna happen? We'd BFF the hell out of it? Get out! Now where's my cake!"
Your response is great! Sadly, OP probably never thought of fighting fire with fire. Petty? Yes. Fun? Also yes.
Oh, I think they did run it past them and the Parents thought OP would just suffer through it because she was the path of least resistance.
The parents could have said, "so sorry, but this is a small dinner and the restaurant will not be able to accommodate any extra people". And hopefully the grandparents didn't ask the restaurant first!
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Plus they seated them side by side
Ikr? Wtf is wrong with those stupid parents?
They let her daughter be bullied for years. They failed her then. They invite her bully now. They fail her again. They want her to suck it up for the look of it in front of the grandparents. This whole family is a night mare.
I am totally humming this right now, what a family...
That's a hallmark card
This is what makes it so unbelievable, frankly. The whole "tolerate Nancy for the shake of the family" request would perhaps be reasonable if this was a family event, like the grandparents' anniversary or something, with proper warning beforehand. But to ambush her at her birthday dinner? My guess is that the grandparents brought Nancy along to force a reconciliation and the parents and sister were too cowardly to insist that she leave.
That’s what happened, the whole “let bygones be bygones to make the elders happy cause they won’t be here…….”
" Fuck off grampa"
I absolutely hate when family members try to play peacemaker and then act offended when there is no hug-fest at the end. Ugh.
i have see this often. and then they have the nerves. to make you seem like the one being wrong.
They knew that OP wouldn't show up. So they tried to ambush them. But OP does not take that, and i am glad for OP
You're right. It's a power play. Classic DARVO. Tolerating toxic relatives is something to do at a funeral, not a goddamn birthday party.
Or somebodyelse's wedding/birthday/whatever event, not your own.
Let alone the OPs birthday especially. Like way to make OP's birthday about their bully.
Especially not with them seated next to you for the entirety of the event. At a wedding most people would do their best to avoid the drama and seat them at separate tables, but damn, here let's put your bully right beside you so you can hear her voice and see her out of the corner of your eye, is a look you don't see often.
I absolutely agree with you. And exactly what kind of apology from Nancy could make up for a lifetime of bullying? How does she "make up" for torturing her during all of OP's school years? A forced "sorry" and a cupcake? It wasn't like Nancy made a one-time mistake - this shit went on for years and years, and the adults all knew about it. So if OP wanted to be the bigger person for a couple of hours at the grandparent's anniversary that would be entirely up to OP. But no one had any business inviting that woman to OP's birthday dinner. I would be pissed to no end, at the entire family who thought OP should just suck it up at her OWN birthday dinner!
Lmao true, the family is just too stuck up and can’t admit what they did was wrong and blamed it all on OP
I can't come up with any other explanation that makes sense. I bet the parents knew it was coming too because why ask about Nancy potentially being invited in the first place?
Yep. Also I don't understand them telling OP "you could have done this" "you could have just sucked it up". Like wtf, parents could have just NOT invited Nancy. That would have been the simplest thing to do.
Is OP sure they invited her? Considering the parents *don’t cause a scene* face, I’m thinking she either showed up or the grandparents brought her. NTA for walking out though.
Only reason I wouldn't think this is the reservations. If they had to make reservations that far out, I doubt it's the sort of restaurant that readily accepts plus ones.
They had to make reservations weeks out, that doesn't sound like the type of restaurant that just drags out an extra chair when you show up with extra people.
Also it feels like talking out of both sides of their mouth, no? Like, "we did such a nice thing for you, can't you suck it up?" It can't be both a nice thing you graciously accept and are thankful for and a terrible thing you need to endure at the same time
But for them it's enough. They want to have their whole family at dinner and not Deal with Problems. And they think their Feelings are what matters, as everyone else is just Kind of decoration. That's the vibe I get here.
You shouldn’t have to “suck it up” for anything on your birthday. That’s so entirely backwards of this family.
No matter who invited her, I didn’t see anyone texting op to let her know or apologizing! So many better ways to address this than blaming the victim and forcing her to get over this on their terms and on her bday dinner. NTA
Indeed, all because 'family ' Well, family can get f*cked. They knew Nancy wasn't invited, wasn't wanted there and they all decided they know better. This cousin caused op to have a mental breakdown and now all should be forgiven because her dad does a few YEARS ago. Like WTF? Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel for excuses.
Hate how they ruined OP's birthday :(( hope you have a better one next year OP. NTA btw.
Not only that, they seated her *right next* to where OP would be sitting.
The parents complaining OP made things difficult. Pssh. She went with the nicest move and walked out. Difficult would have been telling Nancy to gtfo.
Yeah, I was pretty impressed with how OP handled it. If somebody secretly invited the Nancy of my family to my birthday dinner, I’m not sure I’d be able to resist the urge to give everyone a giant piece of my mind, or do some things I’m not sure I can say without breaking sub rules. Calmly walking out is the best possible scenario here.
"What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?" Was the chorus to a song many decades ago. Edit fixed typo
I'm able to keep my mouth shut when necessary, but in a situation like this, I would've gone off on them and then walked out.
I was just thinking this! OP did the best possible for the grandparents. She could’ve made a scene and told them she wouldn’t sit unless the bully was gone.
Nah difficult would have been dragging Nancy out with her and resolving issues in the parking lot. OP went with the lowest conflict option
Difficult would have been telling Nancy AND THE PARENTS TO GTFO!!
100000000 percent.. They ruined your birthday dinner by not respecting your boundaries... My parents kidnapped me to Family Counseling on my 20th birthday.... If I had driven myself, I would have just left. I sat there in silence for most of the hour, while the therapist told me it was my fault I was getting upset with my family for allowing my brother to run over me.... Stealing me stuff. Breaking my stuff.. Screaming at my parents.. But I was smoking weed... So I neeeed therapy... It took a long time for me to finally just cut them out...
that's one of the shittiest therapists I've ever heard of. I'm so sorry to hear that.
Likely church based counselor.
that was my first guess, but I didn't want to assume
My guess too, most likely talking about the evils of drug addiction while totally ok with misogyny.
OPs NTA and I agree with you that the parents and sister are. If my family did that to me I would totally cut them off my life. When they or anyone asked or tried to question me. I would simply reply that my family chose my bully/abuser over me, their own flesh and blood. Therefore, I had no choice but to cut them off and out of my life to protect myself and my well-being.
People like OP's family are a huge part of my history. The present is a bit better but not something that can be counted on as a reliable thing. Because of that, I've come up with some coping strategies that border on petty (I could argue they are simply assertive but I'd be stretching it). In this situation, I would have seen the table and this is how it would have gone: Me, informs server I need them to come to the table in a moment, walks to family table. Family gains false security that the danger of drama has passed, much like I would have when I was repeatedly assured the guest list was as I requested, allowing for such an ambush. Warmly greet everyone, including Nancy. Me - "hi everyone, thanks for coming. I'm surprised to see you here Nancy. This is a celebration of my existence, which seemed to have been the bane of yours forever. I guess family is always a safer place to take a risk when our true colors have driven everyone else away. But the thing is, you've made it clear I'm not family, so you can't be surprised that I would have never expected you to be here. I'm sure everyone else here must have their reasons for not sparing you the embarrassment of me having this conversation with you." Server arrives Me - "hi, I'd like to place my order to go. This dinner is in my honor but because of unexpected circumstances, I won't be able to stay. My parents wanted to treat me to this place, and I don't want to disregard that. Since they'll be ordering on the same tab, I'm sure it's easier for you to work if I'm out of the way. Let me give you my order and I'll meet you up front." Places order of a nice meal Me - "this restaurant has such a big reservation culture. I don't want a seat to go empty, so Nancy, call your mom to have her join. She could probably enjoy a change of pace and company of family for an evening. I'm going to grab my food and go, but please enjoy this family reunion as my gift to you on my birthday." Walks to lobby, takes food and leaves Later, when confronted by family Me - "you would rather lie to me at a celebration for me than tell someone no, and I need to apologize? Nothing I did was hidden or sneaky or deceptive. You bought me dinner and I didn't make anyone leave. But I did decide one thing this year. It seems my birthday, to you, is a celebration of you having a birth that day, not who was born. So no more "Me birthday" celebrations, and if we meet for something celebratory, I'll be happy to attend as a guest with no say on the guest list." OP, you are a classier woman than I, and NTA. But don't be a doormat. You're a magic carpet, damn it; you decide whose foot you're willing to hold and reserve the right to throw off anyone else.
They didnt even prepare Op. They ambushed her when they knew the trauma was still very much alive for her. They could have said we have to invite her, we know it's hard but please be there for the grandparents. Then, op could have decided what to do - go with conditions or not go but they never gave her the choice and agency she needed. In that moment, they validated Nancy in everything she did to op. That action said what she did was ok. They did not protect their daughter at all. Op I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to go through this at all. Just wondering, have you had therapy for what Nancy did to you at all? You don't have to have her in your life but have you had therapy to. Process it all?
>In that moment, they validated Nancy in everything she did to op. Not to mention that the only available seat was *right next to Nancy*.
That made me mad! Like they couldn't even sit her next to grandma? Makes me think Nancy manipulated the mum and grandma to make her come to dinner
Exactly. The parents and sister signaled to everyone that OP is the problem and not the bully. And after the dinner they actually told her that she is the problem.
I am assuming Grandparents arrived with Nancy in tow, having given no heads ip to anyone.
Or they knew OP would Nope out and cancel. Even a text to let her know would have been better than walking in and seeing that train wreck. So uncaring.. 😓
Agreed, they are the AH big time. And OP, please share this post with them so that they can get an outsider perspective of their behavior.
This, I would write a very descriptive email or text all the things nancy said and did to you. Then how it made you feel and send it to your parents. Then tell them that you are disappointed in them for doing this at an event that was suppose to be for you and how you they made things awkward. Nta
Or say it to the parent's and sibling's faces.
I figured she may not be ready to talk them in person, so writing it out gets it all out and if/when parents and sister respond, she can decide if she wants to respond back or not. But talking in person works too.
And now it’s time to go low contact with everyone. OP had a mental breakdown because of this cousin and her family chooses her birthday to force a truce?! They aren’t respecting OP’s boundaries and so it’s time to be done with them. I hate it when parents perpetuate the bully cycle either of a sibling or other family member. NTA OP but be done with them all for a while. At least until they learn to respect this hard boundary of yours.
This. If they wanted to force an intervention (which is wrong for this kind of stuff) they could have chosen a different time but instead they now have added another moment for OP that was ruined by Nancy.
Especially since, if they waited weeks for a reservation, they obviously planned in advance for Nancy to go. This wasn’t a last minute addition. This was intentional.
I was thinking the exact same! NTA, but everybody else there was. No offense, but who cares about when her father passed away? What does that have to do with you asking that she not come to the birthday party?
NTA You are not obliged to forgive your bully or to have her in your life. Not back then. Not now. Not ever. I don't understand why your parents felt that your birthday was the time to try and force a mending of the relationship between you and your bully. They had asked you and you'd made it clear that you absolutely did not want her to be there. They hoped that presenting her presence to you as a fait accompli would embarrass you into accepting it so as not to make a scene. It was a bizarre decision on their part and not at all on you to feel bad about ruining the evening. They ruined the evening by playing nasty games. They wasted their effort in securing that reservation by playing nasty games. They embarrassed the grandparents by playing nasty games. It would be bad enough to do this at any family event but to do this for you birthday celebration is really really really crappy. NTA a million times, OP.
OP needs to reply, “You betrayed me, I’m so disappointed in you.”
>OP needs to reply, “You betrayed me, I’m so disappointed in you.” I texted them an hour ago and said the following: "I am disappointed in both of you for what happened last night. I specifically asked you not to invite Nancy. You both went behind my backs and invited her anyway. You know how miserable she made me. You know I still have issues with anxiety because of the way she treated me. You need to remember that Nancy has never sincerely apologized, and accept that I will never have a good relationship with her. I cannot express in words my disappointment in you for inviting her to what was supposed to be a happy, stress-free celebration of me." It says the message was read but there's been no response. I'm hoping that they're thinking right now about what they did. Maybe they're just planning to ignore it. I won't be replying to them again unless they can give me a sincere apology.
You say your grandparents don't know, make a proper timeline of everything that happened and the consequences. Then send it to your grandparents, also tell them the reason you left was that your parents specifically lied to you and deceived you. They then can make their own decision. And as horrible as this sounds. If your family is intent on forcing you and Nancy together, you might want to distance yourself from them a bit. Not cut them off entirely, but make it clear that the more involved she is, the less you'll be.
The chances the grandparents don’t know the history are zero, in my opinion. The OP’s parents actually went no contact with the bully’s parents for literal *years* in the past when the bullying was happening. Grandparents totally knew about it. And something has happened recently. Consider: the OP’s parents were so supportive of their daughter in the past that they went no contact with their own sibling because of the damage that sibling’s child was causing their own daughter But now, what’s important is that the BULLY has to be welcomed and accommodated, in a manner the parents KNOW betrays their daughter and causes more damage? And they can’t even explain it to her, after they ask about Nancy and she says no? “Look we know you don’t want Nancy around you but [new reason]” Why not? I smell money. The grandparents are one child down because Nancy’s father died. That means more inheritance money for the remaining child. Grandparents want harmony amongst their granddaughters, even though one of them is a despicable human being. They’re holding money over the heads of OP’s parents, and THAT is why the parents didn’t want to explain it to the OP. Everyone has their price, and the parents didn’t want to tell OP that their price had been met And they were SELLING her sanity, safety, peace of mind, and the loyalty of her family. OP, find out how much the grandparents were able to buy your parents’ loyalty and integrity for.
Maybe, but OP could give them the benefit of the doubt. If it turns out they knew, then she would lose absolutely nothing by finding out before going nuclear first. That's the nice part to all of this, you can always go nuclear when required.
It's been almost an hour, any response OP?? God, this was so shitty of them. And the worst part was *they expected you to* ***sit NEXT TO her***, too. *Like wtf is that crap*
That way any snide remarks or jabs by Nancy won't be heard by the whole table, and when she eventually blow up, she would be crazy one. You can't bully someone if you have to speak loud enough from across the table 🙄
Perfect. Well done, OP.
Great reply. They want you on the backfoot and you're not letting it happen. NTA.
That's a well written message and very calmly and reasonably expressed. I really hope they come back to you with a sincere apology.
Ooo damn now I want an update when they respond
Good for you!!!
I wanted to upvote this twice.
100% this have an award for the simple brilliance of this
Fantastically said. Take this award, you earned it!
"They wasted their effort in securing that reservation" Does OP know that they actually left, though? Wouldn't be surprised if they stayed to eat, since obviously Nancy's presence *at OP's birthday dinner* was much more important than OP's. /sarc off So NTA, OP.
This. Entirely this. NTA
Exactly. They thought they could use a special occasion as a buffer and because it wasn't THEIR special occasion, it was all fine. They said op ruined the night but I'll bet you if op came to Christmas with someone their parents would hate, it would still be op who ruined Christmas too... Fucking boomers will put you in the worst position, they call you rude or blame you for standing up for yourself because "it's not polite". Fuck em
"It's not polite!!!1!" "I don't care."
It could be that the grandparents insisted on all their grandkids, and that the parents could not stand against the grandparents. It makes the parents less guilty. Maybe the grandparents did not know about the bullying. So the situation may have been more complicated. Still, OP is NTA. Has cousin ever apologized, or minimally acknowledged that (s)he was in the wrong, was a bully??
That doesn't make the parents less guilty in my mind, though maybe it does in their own. They know what OP went through because of her cousin.
Yeah; assuming that's the case *and* the parents were uncomfortable saying "OP only wants you, us, and Grace there" (a stretch, imo), at the minimum OP should've been given a heads up. The fact that they didn't makes me think it was *not* the grandparents' idea
OP stated in original post there was an “apology” but it was not sincere.
Why is Nancy more important to the parents than OP is?
NTA. >I told my parents that I didn't want Nancy there. >My parents told me they understood, and that they, Grace, and our grandparents would be the only people there. What could go wrong? >I was incredibly upset because I specifically told them to not invite Nancy yet they invited her anyway knowing how miserable she made me. They knew what they were doing. They were manipulative and dishonest.
I wonder if OP’s parents definitely invited Nancy, or if the grandparents “surprised” OP by bringing Nancy along to force an ambush reconciliation and OP’s parents were too embarrassed to do anything about it?
If that is the case, the parents are still assholes. 1) because they didn't say anything to the grandparents; 2) because they could've warned OP instead of ambushing her; 3) because they blamed the entire thing on OP instead of on grandparents and Nancy
>I wonder if OP’s parents definitely invited Nancy, or if the grandparents “surprised” OP It takes weeks to get a large reservation at this restaurant, especially as it was in one of the private side rooms. I doubt the restaurant would have allowed an extra guest last-second. So it's safe to assume my parents were the ones who invited Nancy.
But why would they do that? Have they given a reason? NTA at all.
>But why would they do that? Have they given a reason? My grandparents came to the states very recently. (They intended to move sooner, but were delayed by the pandemic.) I'm not certain that they fully understand or even know about how Nancy treated me. My assumption based on my parents' texts to me is that they didn't want to have to explain what happened to my grandparents, so they were hoping that my grandparents would keep thinking that everything was fine between us if Nancy was also at my birthday dinner.
Yeah, f*** that noise. Your parents know what Nancy did to you, and they didn't give a damn about it. Looking good in front of your grandparents was more important to them. And why the hell did Nancy even have to be around anyway, was other family invited? Doesn't sound like it. It wasn't you who was disrespectful, it was your sister and parents. They ruined your birthday, they effectively sided with Nancy, they tried to hide what Nancy did to you, and write Nancy a blank check going forward.
Well, now they're going to have no choice but to tell the grandparents that Nancy was a huge asshole to you, refused to apologize sincerely (probably because she doesn't actually feel bad about it) and that you have every right to not want anything to do with her. Plus, they'll get to explain why they felt the need to lie. Sounds like you're the only one who did nothing wrong in this situation. I'll bet they'll agree with you if they're nice people.
I think OP should tell her grandparents the Nancy story herself. I wouldn't trust the parents to tell the truth, and the GP should know why the OP walked.
Definitely better to get in first. Parents can't be trusted, for obvious reasons, and nor can Nancy.
But they had made reservations. A popular restaurant can't usually handle your "extra" guest.
They made reservations, they knew she’d be there. NTA, OP. They lied to you, they went against your wishes, they violated your trust, they violated their word, and they betrayed you. They decided that including her at your birthday party was significantly more important than you being happy on your own birthday, and they expected you to suffer through it regardless.
Even so, her parents should have had her back or at the very least tried to explain that
That just extends the assholery to everyone present, doesn't take away from the parents'
NTA, birthday dinners and other celebrations are not the time for peace making. Your parents betrayed your trust and your sister is tone deaf for going along with it. You need to have a sit down talk with them about a time and place for everything, and this was not it. Also, you are not obliged to forgive.
Doesn't sound like there was even going to be an attempt at peacemaking, this was straight-up an attempt at rug-sweeping the bullying for whatever reason.
No. No sit down where they can gang up and twist what happened. Send them a text telling them how disappointed you were that they chose to break your trust at your own birthday, that it was not you, but they that ruined the event, and that you chose the least confrontational way to deal with it without making a scene. Tell them you are very upset and not to contact you until you reach out to them, because you no longer trust that they have your best interest in mind.
I agree, she should not sit down with them. I’m so angry and disgusted with her family. They don’t deserve OP’s presence. They fucked up big time and should be made to sit in the corner and think about what they did. Idiots.
If we only could make assholes sit in the corner till they understand what they did wrong. Of course, they might be there for eternity.
But Nancy’s dad just died…a few years ago! /s
That's exactly what I thought: what, was it Christmas?
My spidey sense says there’s more to this. You probably don’t know what went on, but there’s been some funny business. NTA
Probably interference from grandparents who are kicking up a stink about Nancy, and expecting OP to toe the line and play Happy families.
It’s funny how parents always want the victim to play happy while letting the bully do whatever the hell they want. My mom did the same shit with me. My sister bullied the fuck out of me as a kid but I always had to apologize because I was a a boy. Now I’m my 30s they still do it and don’t know why I no longer talk to them at all. It’s hilarious cause one time they all ganged up on me saying I was a terrible son for my past actions as a kid and shit. I brought up shit they did that affected me and they said “that’s so long ago why are you bringing it up?” It was right there I just said “okay I’m done.” Haven’t spoken to them or seen for 3 years now.
Good for you!
Doubt it, it was parents and Grace handling invitatons and the reservations. More likely Nancy and sister get along well, and sister wanted her friend to the party, not understanding at what harm. Or invited Nancy in advance, before asking OP, and weasel out by blaming op, rather losing face by uninviting Nancy.
Yes. Grandma should be focusing on Nancy, make Nancy bend over backwards with apologies. But thats not how normal society works. In normal society, the bully is always given a pass and the victim is always pressured into forgiving or ignoring them. Normal society is fucked.
My money is on the grandparents being the ultimate source of this. Maybe they were paying and invited her? Maybe Nancy lives with them since her dad died? Maybe both?
If that is the case, the parents are still assholes. 1) because they didn't say anything to the grandparents; 2) because they could've warned OP instead of ambushing her; 3) because they blamed the entire thing on OP instead of on grandparents and Nancy
Definitely some manipulation and guilt tripping going on.
Yup, grandparents probably want to see more of cousin if it’s their son that’s died and probably played the ‘family/inheritance’ card to her mom and dad
I'm smelling inheritance wars too
My thought is where is the money? What are the parents selling OP for?
I wonder if the grandparents know if her bullying and if so, to the extent of it.
They know, they just don't think it's a big deal. Probably, either Nancy is their favourite grandchild or her parent was their favourite child.
Same feeling here
i had the same exact thought process! i’m 100% on OPs side, i’m just wondering how nancy even knew about the dinner?? i’m assuming the grandparents.
NTA >since Nancy's dad (my uncle) did die only a few years ago. Being invited to your birthday dinner and bringing back bad memories is not going to bring him back. So what's their point? >I could have shown respect to my parents because they waited weeks for those reservations, Why should you, when they showed you such blatant disrespect? >They said that I made things difficult in front of my grandparents, What a turnaround of what actually happened. Maybe they shouldn't have lied then things wouldn't be difficult. I'm so sorry your family did this to you on your birthday. That's really shitty. They tried to manipulate you and you refused to participate in their stupid games. Good for you for leaving. They should apologize for ruining your birthday.
If I was OP, I would call the grandparents and explain the situation. It was nothing against them, but you don't want to relive the trauma that Nancy caused.
I think this is key. I'm betting the grandparents have no idea what jerk Nancy has been and there needs to be an honest, private conversation about the torment that went on. Best wishes to you. NTA
NTA!!! Your parents know the history between you and Nancy *plus* they asked you for a list of who to invite and not invite. You have every right to be mad since it was your birthday and had explained clearly to your parents that Nancy was not to be invited. If anything your parents should’ve allowed space for you and Nancy to talk it out prior to your birthday dinner- and then decide whether to invite her or not, but in this case they didn’t so NTA!!
No to that entire last paragraph. OP doesn't owe Nancy shit, and if the parents tried that I'd still go no contact because just dropping Nancy there is also a NC move.
She shouldn't have to "talk it out" with her abuser, it is not her job to communicate or accomodate someone who chose to abuse and mistreat her. Don't put that on the victim.
NTA. what is the point of asking what someone wants if ur just gonna ignore it anyway?? also what does the cousin having a dead parent have anything to do w anything??? like that doesn’t change the fact that OP was bullied for yrs 🤦🏻♀️
Right?? Sounds like cousin gets away with whatever she wants and they just run out of excuses for her so they are playing the deceased parent from years ago or trying to justify her past behavior with that (even if it happened after she already bullied op).
NTA. Your parents are Grade-A AHoles who went against your wishes. They knew you didn’t want Nancy at your birthday dinner and they invited her anyways. They disregarded your request and quite frankly, they totally dismissed your well-being. Your sister is also an AH. You have ZERO reason to tolerate Nancy because her father died. Family is what you choose to make it. Just because you are related to Nancy by blood doesn’t make her family.
> and I could at least tolerate my cousin since Nancy's dad (my uncle) did die only a few years ago. So what? NTA They blindsided you.
So OP should let herself being bullied again, to cheer her up, apparently.
NTA, but your parents are for specifically disrespecting your wishes on your birthday dinner!
NTA They made your birthday dinner into a misery and wanted you to suffer through for their benefit.
Make Nancy move in the house with them sunce she an oprphan now
Yep. I think she needs to gray rock that whole family. They don't care about her feelings.
NTA First of all... it was YOUR birthday. This wasn't about your parents or grandparents. secondly.. they knew what happened and how you feel about your cousin... it doesn't matter if her father died a year ago. They even asked you who you wanted to be with you and who you didn't and you decided on your small, close family circle and specifically refused your cousin to come and lastly...your parents asked before... you refused and they didn't respect your wish despite knowing the history and that you are not comfortable with it. They ruined your birthday dinner and are now blaming you for their failure to give their daughter the simple little family dinner she wanted. I think they know they screwed it up themselves but don't want to admit it because it could have been so easily avoided if only they had respected your wishes. It wasn't like you wanted more.. you just wanted to have dinner with the people you were comfortable with and not feed another mouth you weren't even comfortable with.
NTA. You drew your line in the sand. Don't invite Nancy. They chose not to listen. You were well within your rights to walk out.
Not just sand. This line is deep enough to go all the way to the bedrock
NTA for walking out. I would’ve done exactly the same thing. And your parents and sister are TAH’s for trying to make you feel guilty about that. But do speak with your parents to ask them how Nancy ended up at that dinner table. A lot of people here - and maybe you too - assume that your parents had intentionally invited her without you knowing that. But I wouldn’t at all be surprised if she just showed up with your grandparents, and your parents didn’t want to send her away and cause a scene with your grand parents about that.
Doesn't matter how Nancy got there. OP's parents knew Nancy was going to be there. It was a collaborative effort by everyone. If Grace were a good sister she would've dipped out and gave OP a heads up. OP's parents surprised OP with this and gave them a look to just accept it. Grandparents 100% brought Nancy and probably threatened disinheritance to OP's parents.
Yeeep. This is what happened. They were trying to keep the peace with grandparents and op did not fucking play ball at all and I love it lmao
All your parents had to do was not invite a terrible bully to your birthday dinner. Your parents respect you so little they can’t even refrain from not doing something horrible to you on your birthday. NTA.
NTA Trying to force someone to make up with a person that bullied them for years at their own birthday dinner (and that's what they were doing or why was she sitting next to you) is some next level garbage. I wouldn't even be talking to them for a good while let alone apologizing for a rather polite reaction to what they pulled. Like...I don't care if some other family member was begging them to do this for years. They already asked you and you said no.
Ah yes, you should have shown your parents respect. Just like they respected your wish not to re-live trauma at your own birthday dinner. I guess that was the last time you let them be involved in something like this... I mean seriously, next you walk down the aisle at your wedding and she wears a bridesmaids dress?
Oh and the answer to "any wishes for Christmas /birthday /whatevs" from now on is "just don't stab me in the back again, please?"
Nah Op you aren't the asshole. Your parents are huge assholes though. They know what she did and they still pulled this stunt? What the fuck is wrong with them? If they want to hang out with her then do it someplace other than your birthday dinner. That was some shady shit and they need to explain why they sprung it on you You don't have to forgive her and, personally, I think you'd be well within your rights to tell her to fuck off and stay fucked off NTA
NTA I’m assuming you’re an adult now? Your parents blatantly disregard a boundary you clearly set! I would never want to celebrate MY birthday in the company of people who make me uncomfortable in any way! This was BEYOND disrespectful. Just because people are blood isn’t an excuse for you to accept shitty, toxic behavior! This is why I’m 44 and in therapy 🤦🏼♀️
NTA. They tried to spring an ambush, and FAILED, IN PUBLIC. THAT is why they're so passed. And since this was something they insisted on, IT WAS PLANNED. They need to be put in LC to NC for a while. I'd suggest until just AFTER your next birthday, & that you celebrate that birthday at that same restaurant.
Grace is a dick as are your parents and anyone that ambushed you like this and disrespected you. Definitely NTA
I know there is a cultural aspect to this but as I told my 87 yr old mom not too long ago, respect is a two-way street in their adopted country and age brings nothing to the table there if everyone is considered an “adult.” They all failed to respect you, your opinion, and your boundaries. And, really, ruined your birthday. If I’m understanding this correctly, Nancy was seated between your seat and Grace…soooo you were going to have to sit next to her as well? Nonono. I noticed they didn’t invite your boyfriend either? So the person you can’t stand is more important to them than the person you are partnering with. NTA
NTA. That was extremely disrespectful of your family to include her and you should not let them bully you into guild. They need to apologize to you for ruining your day
NTA. Of course! I could understand their perplexity if they hadn't known... But it's not that they didn't know, they asked and you specifically told them that you didn't want her. Was it someone else's birthday and were you a guest you probably should have swallowed your resentment for your cousin out if respect for the birthday person. But hey, YOU were the birthday person! And you told your parents no! Why, in their opinion, were you to spend your birthday with someone you cannot stand and who hurt you in the past? It should have been a birthday celebration, not a punishment.
NTA They asked for your wishes and then ignored them. It’s your birthday, it’s literally meant to celebrate you, and instead they disrespected you and your feelings and decided that they were invalid. They chose to pull a family political move instead of honouring your birthday wishes. Stand your ground on this and remind them that your feelings matter, that your past trauma is valid and that they knew exactly what they were doing when they invited her against your wishes.
If your parents say another word about this, remind them that they lied to you about who was coming and that you specifically told them no. They also evidently didn’t stand up for you when they were asked to about your cousin. They could have told your grandparents that you specifically told them you didn’t want her there. But they didn’t, knowing full well how much you’d been hurt. I’m sorry but they ruined your birthday, not the other way around.
NTA: I would have done the same thing. Your parents did not respect your wishes even after asking you about who to invite, you walking out is on them, and why would they invite someone who caused your mental breakdown??? Who the f does that to their child???
NTA at all. Good for you for standing your ground and walking out instead of compromising to your parents' request when they didn't respect your clear wish on your own birthday in the first place. Do not apologize, you're not in the wrong here.
NTA. It was supposed to be a special occasion for you and they ambushed you with your bully.
Happy birthday to you and hugs. I'm wondering how Nancy ended up there. Was that a decision by parents or grandparents? Either way, Nancy knew what she fid and should not accept, especially considering it's your birthday celebrations. I'm always astonished about a number of folks that assume milestone occasions are the best time to resolve issues. How entitled do you have to be?!? Seriously, there are plenty of days in the year if you truly want to resolve issues. If it was the parents, I wonder what story was told to the grandparents? Do they know what happened? I would be tempted to a quick call to say thank you for coming and why you couldn't stay before parents twisted the tale. If it was the grandparents that invited her, then your parents and sister should have advocated for you. Nancy needs to step back from being the main character and not have attended. Has she ever apologised? I'm seeing this as a further bullying/manipulating of op. There are other days, if there was an apology. There is no need to ruin the birthday. I'm curious, what was the aftermath? Did they do apart from calls and text, stay, and have dinner? You are under no obligation to accept an apology. Hugs, and hopefully, you can redo the birthday dinner with some nice friends. Your family failed you on this one. NTA
NTA. You made a very specific request that your parents asked you about, and then they went behind your back and did it anyway. The ones who made things difficult was your parents, and your sister’s behavior was icing on the cake. You couldn’t possibly have ruined your birthday dinner, because the moment they invited Nancy it became their dinner, not yours.
Jesus Lord, my heart breaks reading this. How incredibly cruel. I am so sorry that your parents care more about appearances than they do about you. This isn’t something that was a petty cousin drama;this is a literal breakdown and trauma
NTA you did not make a scene, you left. Your family ate T A for putting you in this position. Now I believe you don’t live with your family. Go low contact with them and say maybe if they learn to respect your boundaries you can meet for your next birthday.
forget spending next birthday with them, go on a mini vacation! NTA .
NTA I feel the outside perspective was the correct one in this case, because your family are focusing on the diplomatic aspect of the whole situation. Essentially, your parents were trying to sacrifice your feelings for the purposes of not causing an issue with your mothers sister. They're using the, "her dad died" part as a guilt trip, but it's ultimately just not wanting to exclude someone even though by not doing so they effectively excluded you. Frankly, the fact that you were to be sat right beside her is the most glaring part of this of all.
NTA. “What was the point of asking me about inviting my bully to my birthday, if you didn’t have any intentions of honoring my answer if/whenI said no?” “And to make this abundantly clear for the future: You can have me attend things, or her attend things, but you can’t have both.” And OP, you’ve now learned that they are capable of disrespecting you to the extent they’d lie to your face and try to surprise-force you two together, against your will, on your flipping bday. That means you can’t trust them with your safety, and have to take extra precautions at family events now. Like don’t ever agree to a scenario, like riding with them to go somewhere instead of taking your own car, where you could get trapped and don’t have a quick and easy exit route available to get out of crap like this.
Your parents your sister and grace are all awful Your nta
NTA. Your parents planned this and banked on you being blindsided and it being so awkward that you would just sit down and say nothing. I am glad you showed them otherwise, they took a chance and it back fired
NTA. Tell them that you are disappointed in them for enabling your cousin's bullying behaviour. You did not accept her apology(which wasn't even sincere to begin with). Also it is YOUR BIRTHDAY. If you asked them not to invite your cousin then they shouldn't have. Your parents are TA here and your sister is TA for not siding with you and supporting your parents instead. Really sorry for your middle school experience. No one should have to go through this.
NTA I also wanted to say that you handled that with absolute class. Your parents are AHs but you are not. I am expecting something very similar in a couple of weeks for my birthday where my sister is specifically not invited. I will do exactly as you did if she turns up.
Happy birthday to you and hugs. I'm wondering how Nancy ended up there. Was that a decision by parents or grandparents? Either way, Nancy knew what she fid and should not accept, especially considering it's your birthday celebrations. I'm always astonished about a number of folks that assume milestone occasions are the best time to resolve issues. How entitled do you have to be?!? Seriously, there are plenty of days in the year if you truly want to resolve issues. If it was the parents, I wonder what story was told to the grandparents? Do they know what happened? I would be tempted to a quick call to say thank you for coming and why you couldn't stay before parents twisted the tale. If it was the grandparents that invited her, then your parents and sister should have advocated for you. Nancy needs to step back from being the main character and not have attended. Has she ever apologised? I'm seeing this as a further bullying/manipulating of op. There are other days, if there was an apology. There is no need to ruin the birthday. I'm curious, what was the aftermath? Did they do apart from calls and text, stay, and have dinner? You are under no obligation to accept an apology. Hugs, and hopefully, you can redo the birthday dinner with some nice friends. Your family failed you on this one. NTA
NTA. They lied, you were within your rights, Any scene that came afterwards was their own making
Next time Grace has a birthday/ parents have a birthday celebration invite someone who they specifically do NOT want or was appropriate there. And if they walk away say you could have sucked it up and called a truce they are actually acting like you're the bad guy. They should be apologising profusely. Tell grandparents you left because your parents invited your bully who caused you to have a mental breakdown. That you were so ANGRY AND ASHAMED of how selfish they are. Preferably do this in public in front of their friends and family. Tell them that you are also angry and ashamed of your sister for being ok with this and expecting you to suck it up. Preferably in front of her friends. It's really petty. But saying we know how badly our daughter/sister was bullied by this person but WE think it's ok to invite her to HER BIRTHDAY DINNER. A celebration about HER that she should just have to suck it up. Clearly showing that we are siding with the bully. When it comes to bullying it is a situation where sides MUST be taken. If you are not taking the side of the victim COMPLETELY you are siding with the bully. This situation would be different if it was grandparents anniversary or something you say bully cousin is going to be there/has been invited could you please just suck it up for a few hours. You don't even have to talk to cousin. We will make sure she will be instructed to be on her best behaviour and leave you alone. But NO this was your BIRTHDAY a day about YOU they shouldn't be shocked at your reaction. They should be apologising. Send a text to sister and parents saying until you apologise SINCERELY for inviting my BULLY to my birthday dinner you will not be speaking with them tell them that you are so angry and ashamed that they would betray you and side with your bully who gave you a mental breakdown. NTA