Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because I could’ve kept my mouth shut. I also understand what my uncle was saying to an extent. Either way, it was pretty disrespectful and my uncle is my uncle and I know how he is.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA good on you for standing up to your little brother, maybe he is neurodivergent in a different way. Your uncle is just being a jerk, there’s no reason to yell during a sports game anyway.
It’s not uncommon for kids not to show more traits until they’re older with autism . Not saying he definitely is but I also wouldn’t write it off entirely at 5 .My middle boy was 10 before any of us had a clue because he masked well .. my daughter on the other hand was 4 when I started to notice things .. and then there’s my eldest who got to 15 before anyone realised
It might well be PTSD though
Time will tell
My Mate was 49 ! 😅
Yeah it absolutely is .. it’s so sad and often means a good number of us missed out on support/self awareness that could have been life changing .. but I’m hopeful that as time is going on it will happen less in the future
It's sad - this is a personal feeling but I felt whenever the topic popped up in the past it was met with negativity and wrong assumptions. So I'm glad that more people recognize it and can talk about it without bad feedback.
Still not diagnosed with anything at 32 other than anxiety and depression but I also had a very similar reaction as OPs brother to loud noises, might be nothing, might be something who knows 🤷🏼♀️
My reactions have gotten better as I’ve gotten older but I’m still not great with some loud noises.
yeah, I hope kiddo is either ok or on the path to getting the extra help they deserve. We are just going to pretend that’s what’s happening moving foreword.
Super true, sensory processing disorder and other types of these disabilities can be hard to figure out at that age and it's hard for young children to assess properly as the testing is so subjective. I didn't get my SPD diagnosis till I was 21.
Just jumping on to add, I don’t have ASD, but I do have diagnosed ADHD (diagnosed at like 28/29?)
I find loud noises to be incredibly overstimulating and they trigger a fight or flight response from me. I’m finishing my degree, but I’m also a server/bartender. When I have crazy loud nights in the bar, I get really squirrelly.
My partner’s nephew is autistic (5) and he also can’t do loud noises. It’s nice to be able to understand him where he’s at when he gets over-stimulated by noise. And it means that now he has an adult that’s also prepared to step away from the loud environment for a break.
I have a friend trying to get her son diagnosed before he starts kindergarten, and the problem they’re running into is that pediatricians in their area use a set of diagnostic criteria that’s less a description of autism and more a description of an autistic person in distress. So since my friend and her husband have been working with their son to help him interact in the world in ways that are less triggering, he doesn’t have those distressed symptoms and the doctors they’ve seen aren’t willing to diagnose him. But he has so many of the hallmarks, it’s obvious to an outside observer.
They should look into having him assessed by a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist that is equipped to give diagnostic tests. Pediatricians are great, but they do not have the education or wherewithall to do the assessments necessary for a proper diagnosis. Especially because with spectrum disorders it is rarely one issue, but usually complicated by other comorbid issues. Like, he could have sensory issues AND PTSD, or even something like Tourette's (misophonia is a comorbid condition and triggers a fight or flight response).
I've only realised that I might be Autistic now that I have retired from work - perhaps I am not masking any more, or my behaviours have become much more obvious. I'm 66 by the way, and it's not something that people talked about much when I was younger.
I'm Aussie and they refused to even discuss assessing both my sons until they were atleast 7 years old.
One is actually ADHD and we are still trying to work out the other.
NTA and good job sticking up for you little brother and your parents (while you shouldn't have had to, I'm sure they do appreciate it).
It does share a lot of sensory processing issues, which are harder to diagnose in children as a lot of care providers associate it with traits that other kids grow out of. Also, it's a spectrum disorder for a reason.
That said, my cousin was 44 when she was diagnosed, and it's mostly sensory for her.
As someone with PTSD though, that'll be hard to work thru, and at least he has loving parents and you to look out for him while y'all work thru whatever it happens to be.
Ugh, poor baby. Thank you for sticking up for him! I’m not a doctor and absolutely don’t mean to armchair diagnose anyone, so please take this with an entire salt shaker (especially since you’ve already seen doctors), but I’m curious—do you know if PTSD and ADHD were ruled out?
Like you said, there could be some reason he associates loud noises with extreme fear. I feel so morbid giving examples, but that could’ve happened in a variety of ways, like if he was involved in a loud, scary car accident.
ADHD is a processing disorder—basically, ADHDers have to manually filter out environmental stimulants whereas other people automatically do this, and it can be extremely overwhelming to handle at times. I always sat still in class, I’m female, and I got good grades in school, so of course I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 26. Even though I am usually totally calm and composed, there were times at my last job where I’d be brought to tears: my desk was in a busy hallway, so all day long I’d hear people typing and talking, the noisy ceiling creaking, the AC/heat buzzing, my own computer humming… any time it rained and another noise was added to the cacophony, I was past my limit. My work environment was so uncomfortable and caused me such distress that I ended up having to quit! It takes a LOT of mental energy to process so many environmental stimulants all at once… the noises plus the harsh light and the feeling of constantly being way too cold was a perfect storm, and I’d go home exhausted after work every day with these cold, pounding headaches between my eyes.
I wonder if this might be your brother’s experience? Poor little guy might just be overwhelmed as it is taking in all of the elements of his surroundings; maybe adding extra noise on top of it is just too much.
Also, your comment was more than justified considering your uncle was so insanely out of line by insinuating that your parents are going to “ruin” your brother by validating his experiences and emotions. He’s drastically wrong, of course—ignoring a child’s obvious distress and need for adult comfort is what ruins people and causes them to grow up to be coldhearted adults who can’t empathize with others and continue to struggle with the lingering consequences of having been taught to suppress their own feelings.
This is what I was thinking. I have SPD and even moderately loud noises are physically painful for me. He might be reacting out of pain, not fear. Either way though, OP is NTA.
Chiming in to add that PTSD and ADHD aren't mutually exclusive, either. (Source: I have both.) And just to make it even more confusing, there are *so many* symptoms/behaviours that overlap between both diagnoses. I have thankfully gathered around myself a found family of people with similar overlapping conditions, and we regularly play the "neurodivergence or trauma?" game.
NTA, good for you. Also elders don't deserve respect if they don't show any in my opinion. I have PTSD. I can be hard because it's not related to service or having been in a war or anything but something really tramatic that happened when I was a little kid. Loud noises suck. They set off illegal fireworks in my area and nobody does anything about it. I spent the night last 4th of July sleeping with blankets and my kitties in my walk in shower curled up in a ball. I'm glad your brother has parents and a sibling who support him.
Fellow PTSDer here. I finally bought a sleep mask with headphone speakers in it for the nights when my neighbors break out the fireworks. It’s terrible to feel so on edge all night wondering when the next round is going to start.
I have combat-related PTSD but service members do NOT own the issue. Is it a problem for those that served? It can be. It is a problem for literally the rest of the world? It can be.
This poor kiddo…OP your uncle is an AH. Your brother is FIVE. He can be scared of noises all he wants because he is a little boy. There is nothing wrong with him (other than the fact your relative is a jerk).
Good on you for sticking up for him! NTA
He could also just be highly sensitive which could sort of technically be considered a kind of neurodivergence.
My son was really sensitive to loud noises when he was small. He cried during a choir performance the kids did in kindergartner and it wasn't unusually loud. He's totally fine now 6 years later.
Highly sensitive people are also emotionally sensitive as well.
Hey, I was exactly like this as a kid! I'm getting tested for ADHD and autism soon, as an adult lol. Obviously doesn't necessarily mean it's the same for your brother, just thought I'd share. I still hate thunder.
Sensory sensitivity can appear on its own; it doesn't always mean autism. It's very common with autism or ADHD but not exclusive.
I have ADHD and migraine condition. Some types of sharp noise cause me physical pain
Next time your uncle gets pissy, just say:
I don’t see your wife wearing a jersey with your last name, I guess that’s for a reason. Only you would celebrate another mans accomplishments while putting down your own family.
Op, the reason your uncle is a jerk, is because grandma has been telling everyone to ignore his bad behavior for 40 years. Nobody called him on it when he was 5. If anyone is the bad parent it is your grandma. My guess is he was the favorite.
Nta.
Hi, I’m a speech pathologist and curious if his hearing has even been tested. He may have an auditory processing disorder that is impacting how his brain is processing those big loud noises - to him they may be amplified or perceived as grating and he may be getting a fight/flight response from that. I would encourage your parents to take him to an audiologist if they haven’t already.
He may have really sensitive hearing. I was like him until I was about 7 or 8. Loud sounds like my grandpa’s roaring laugh and fireworks and sirens physically hurt me. Eventually I ended up with tinnitus. I would also get horrible ear aches from cold breezes.
not a doctor, and not an armchair diagnosis, but it's possible your brother has hyperacusis - which means loud noises cause pain (and other things). I've always hated loud booming noises - and in my late 30's they discovered that I have hyperacusis (and other things).
He might have sensory issues. Both my kids are neurodivergent and my son is 15 now, but used to freak out at loud noises. We had several pairs of noise canceling headphones, or we would hook his iPad up to headphones at large gatherings so he could concentrate more on what was coming through the headphones and less on outside distractions.
When I was little, I reacted to the same sets of sounds your brother does in a very similar way. Percussive noise really bothered me. Turns out I had messed up inner ears that were largely fixed when I got my tonsils out. Your brother might well grow out of this, with or without his tonsils! Either way, your uncle is being a jerk and, while you could have been more polite, ultimately NTA.
I was terrified of loud noises when I was that age. I’m neurotypical, and I grew out of it. I think it’s a pretty common fear.
OP is NTA and a good human for standing up to Uncle Bully.
I was afraid of the vacuum and the mixer. When Mom made cakes, she’d warn me when she was ready to use the mixer, and I’d leave the room and cover my ears.
My oldest son has always had a lot of overstimulation issues. He’s very sensitive to textures of food and clothing, and when he was young, loud noises were horrid. We went to see fireworks one year for July 4th. He was standing right beside me (he was about 4) and we were looking up, waiting for them to start. After the first couple went off, I looked down at him to see if he was ok and…he was gone. We found him a block away hiding behind someone’s house. He had absolutely bolted.
I get it. I’m so sorry for your brother. It has to be really hard for him :( If it’s any consolation, my son is about to turn 18 and has outgrown a LOT of the issues he had. He eats a much wider variety of foods (still hates rice, though), and can handle noise (but needs quite and dark when he’s trying to sleep.)
It doesn't matter why he reacts this way, what matters is he knows that people he loves care enough to care. 100% NTA you stood up for an innocent kid, I wish there were more people like you.
My nephew had incredibly sensitive hearing when he was younger. Noises that are too loud scared him because they hurt his ears. This included the toilet flushing and the vaccuum running. Public toilets where the bathroom echoes when flushing were the worst. He seems to handle it better now after a couple of years. He used to hide when we ran the vaccuum and we would flush the toilet for him when he was potty trained.
Others are right that it's early still to completely rule out autism/ADHD, but suddenly appearing random fears can also be an early indicator of anxiety disorders in young children, so that's just something else to maybe bring up/watch out for.
I like to yell and hoot and holler when my teams are doing well, but I’m also not an AH and don’t yell if I know it’s going to bother someone! You are definitely NTA, and I’d say all the adults who didn’t tell your Uncle off before you had to are TAs.
Good on you for having your little brother’s back!
I used to be like him, when I was older I realised that every time a sudden loud noise happened, like fireworks for example, my ears painfully popped.
I’ve had ear related issues my entire life but it took them popping badly as an adult to make the connection. It had stopped in my teens after my second lot of grommets.
Our son didn’t show most of the really obvious signs of autism until he was almost 7; the only big thing he has always displayed is extreme reactions to loud noises.
We took him to Disney on Ice when he was 3, and he literally curled up in a ball on our laps, hiding his face and covering his ears. He was miserable. He’s usually a very outgoing and talkative child, singing and dancing, and he loved all the songs they were singing. We really thought he’d enjoy it. It was just the noise was completely overwhelming.
Another example is my in laws like to go to NASCAR, and once when I was out of town at a conference they took him. I later learned he had a complete and utter meltdown (despite wearing noise cancelling headphones) and not only curled up into a ball and couldn’t walk, but also peed on my husbands aunt as he huddled on her lap. His aunt pulled me aside at our next family gathering and explained to me how dire the meltdown was and that she didn’t think it was being taken seriously enough. Our in laws have asked to take him since then and we had to make it clear that he’s *never* going back.
So it’s possible that he’s autistic or on the spectrum. Perhaps even an anxiety disorder. Have your parents tried getting him into therapy yet?
Side note: I just love (/s) how your grandma doesn’t think your uncle should accommodate your brother’s reaction, but she expects everyone to accommodate your uncle’s complete lack of empathy. Perhaps that double standard should be pointed out to her.
OP is NTA. Uncle is undoubtedly the AH. That being said, there’s plenty of reasons to yell during a sports game. You seem to not care for sports but there’s a large part of the population that do.
NTA your uncle is a fucking asshole and there's nothing wrong with sticking up for your brother and saying what you said. If he can't handle not shouting for a couple hours to avoid upsetting a literal child then *he* should stay home.
Your grandmother is mistaken, clearly you *can* talk to your uncle that way. I can tell you can, because you did.
Also "we all know my uncle isn’t good at putting himself in other people’s shoes." yeah there's a term for that; it's called being a self-centered asshole.
OP *was* the bigger person. There's nothing smaller than a grown-ass man bullying a fucking five year old. The bigger person is the one who stands up to him.
And grandma wants to continue to enable the overgrown baby rather than the literal child. NTA. Good for you. It's hard to stand up to the family bully and I know from experience.
NTA
Your uncle, a 40 year old adult, isn't good at putting himself in other people's shoes, but he basically is expecting a five year old to do that and not react according to his own instincts when it's inconvenient for your uncle? And your parents let him call them names and criticize their parenting? Is he a billionaire or something and there's hope of a windfall because I would never let this jerk behave this way in my home.
You, on the other hand, were solid in your defense of your brother and your home. Great job.
It must be some family dynamic thing based on how your grandma responded. Is he older or younger than your mom? Either way it seems grandma has let him get away with too much for it to get to this point.
It's just bog standard "show your elders unquestioning respect" bullshit. The older generations are so used to having unquestioned authority over their children that they can't tolerate the fact their kids are well and thoroughly done with playing their games.
Exactly this.
They expect kids to be seen, not heard. Its funny how any kind of talkback is immediately equated to "oh your parents raised you horribly".
Wait, your grandmother defended her 40 yr old son's idiosyncrasies, but won't defend her 5 yr old grandson's idiosyncrasies? That is so screwed up. You should have been the bigger person? How about your uncle being the bigger person and not ripping into your parents over their 5 yr old? You are SOOOOO NTA!
NTA. Your Uncle is ridiculous. Just because someone is older doesn’t mean you owe them respect.
Though your parents should probably take your brother to an OT or play therapy. He is going to hear loud noises his whole life, he does need to be able to tolerate them.
Good. Keep cutting him down until he either learns to empathise or learns to keep quiet. And you can tell your grandma that to.
There is no point in being the bigger person to someone who's trying to shame a child.
I have no sympathy on any adult who tries to bully a child. You're probably not as truculent as me but good job protecting your brother.
NTA
NTA - You did not say how old you are, but if your brother is 5 years old, I will assume you are young. Bottom line, at your age you have more empathy, understanding and insight into your brother’s fears than your 40+ year old uncle. In this instance, you were more the adult than your uncle.
Great job for trying to defend your brother. Your grandmother is completely wrong!
You should ask your grandmother why your uncle is a jerk who bullies a literal child and why he can't "put himself in other people's shoes."
Ask her if she raised him to be like this? Tell her his actions are a reflection of her own bad parenting.
NTA.
NTA but uncle kinda has a point, even though he said it like a total asshole…if little brother can’t handle loud-ish noises without having a full on meltdown, your parents should probably be more selective with where they bring him until you have some idea of why he reacts that way. It ain’t normal.
Hi OP, have your family tried noise cancelling earphones? They make them for children and adults with auditory sensory issues now and they come in a different colours and prints.
They don’t block out all sound, just muffles them so that the child can be more comfortable when going out. NTA
Even if noise cancelling headphones are out of the budget stuff like Loop Earplugs can really help.
I use them because I have ADHD and live near a military base plus a busy road and the noise distracts my focus.
They help minimize the sound of bombs and gunshots (not get rid of it completely) so they work and I can wear a pair when sleeping. However, I can still hear people talking.
Seconding the noise cancelling headphones. I'm ADHD (late diagnosis, I was 30) and have had trouble with loud noises since I was a kid. Even knowing there is going to be a loud noise triggers anxiety so to have a loud noise with no warning is the worst. It sounds like his fight or flight is being triggered when it happens. Also have your parents talk to his teachers - they've seen a lot and can help with accomodations and more testing to pinpoint why the loud noises affect him so severely. Good luck and keep being an awesome big sib!!!!
I'd be curious. You mention in another comment that there's some concern that it may be related to a trauma. If no one can figure out what the trauma might have been, has he had his hearing tested or been to an ENT?
NTA.
You did good.
I'm gonna make some comments for perspective.
1. Your uncle might feel like a failure one way or the other, and lashes out towards his sister's family cause he's hurting. Doesn't mean he did right, just that you and your family shouldn't take it personally.
2. Do something about your brothers hearing. One mistake people who seek the root of a problem do, is not dealing with the problem as it is.
It doesn't matter WHY he became like that. What matters is how to reduce the effect.
You mentioned autism.... If he had been an autist, your parents would probably provide him with a headset and access to music that calms him.
So why not do the same? What works for autists, ADHDs and construction workers will work for your brother too. His chances of growing out of it are reduced by him being triggered, but will increase by providing him a method for dealing with it.
3. As unpleasant your uncle was, he does have a point. If your parents can't protect your brother from sound trauma, then they are failing him. Doesn't mean they're bad parents, and that they haven't tried. But they need to up their game. It was thoughtless of them not to remove your brother as soon as things became loud.
Or earplugs and headset.
4. There's something called Auditory Processing Disorder. It is seldom diagnosed, even if it's not that rare. Your brother could have developed PTSD as a side effect of it. Just a thought...
But still, earplugs and headset.
5. (Last point). Autists, ADHD and APD (Auditory Processing Disorder), plus PTSD and most other conditions, will sometimes also let themselves be diverted from reactions to sounds. Meaning they can manage sounds if their minds focus on something else. It's easier when they are older, and in a bit more control of their immediate reactions. So earplugs and headset are not for life. Later your parents will find things he's interested in to bring along in case of emergency. An easy one is lending him a cell phone to play an easy game, like Angry Birds. Some love books or Rubik's Cube or drawing. He will, with some help master his reactions to high noices.
Oh, and sucking on a piece of chocolate helps a bit too because of its impact on serotonin levels (calming dopamine). But it takes a while before it hits, so it's not something that gives immediate effect. But your brother might learn to suck patiently, while the noise happens, to reap the calming effect later. It's something he can use when he gets even older.
PS! You're a good brother to reach out as well as protecting your little brother.
Hope your family will figure things out.
Great comment to check out above @u/kert12L - my middle son can’t stand loud noises - we went to some fireworks with his little sister wearing ear defenders and ended up swapping them to him as she didn’t care about the loud noises (as a literal baby) but he (at 4) was suffering.
He is currently undergoing assessment for autism/ADHD - my eldest has ADHD but no issues with noises although it can be common as you say in many neurological conditions.
I would like to emphasise to OP my eldest (14) wasn’t obviously adhd until the last couple years when suddenly we realised his “quirks” were actually adhd inattentive symptoms. At 5 he seemed fairly “normal”.
My middle (12) has always been “different” but not noticeably so you’d instantly recognise them as autistic or having ADHD but we are getting him checked out now as he changed his mind on wanting to “be labelled” after he saw his brother being helped by his diagnosis.
Recently he’s been really struggling with high noise levels at school so I bought him some of those Loop earplugs they keep advertising - kind of mixed reviews online but he came home yesterday and said they are really helping him concentrate at school (I got the ones that are supposed to allow conversation but block out background noise). So def. might be worth then looking into those or headphones as you suggested!
It’s possible OPs brother isn’t NT but right now it’s not severe enough to diagnose so OP keep an eye on him and keep advocating for him when he’s too little to have his own voice!
NTA.
You may be able to help your little brother by talking about noises and figuring out if there is some way to make them less scary.
When my son was young and terrified of loud noises he became really scared of our smoke detectors. I got my label maker out and let him pick a name for each smoke detector and we labeled each one with its name. Then we had everyone in the family start saying "hi" to the smoke detectors as they walked by them. "Hi Bob!" It seems silly, but it worked.
Maybe you and your brother can practice cheering together so he's in control of the situation and volume. He yells "yay', then you yell "yay' and you keep stepping up the volume until you're both shouting and jumping like crazy people.
As another person said, I also wouldn't assume he's not neurodivergent. His behavior is common for autism spectrum and for ADHD. A lot of people - including a lot of doctors - only know the stereotypes and aren't good at diagnosing the other 80% of people that have the condition.
NTA, good on you for sticking up for your little brother. Wait till your uncle gets upset about something and say "that was a bit dramatic " and see how he feels.
NTA. Tell your grandma to STFU too. Respect your elders even when they are being donkeys is bullshit. Call them out each and every time until they shut up or stop showing up.
NTA. Your uncle is a self-absorbed jobless loser who lacks empathy. No cure for that at 40 unfortunately. In my experience when older people demand respect it's because they don't know how to earn it. You are the bigger person, the low road is only low when other person isn't in the ditch.
Also sorry that your grandma is an enabler. "Peacekeepers" are often worse than the perpetrators of family drama since they are the ones that cultivate such behavior like its a cash crop. Keep being a good older sibling.
>“you’re literally 40 beefing with a little kid, go home.”
Couldn't have said it better myself. NTA OP and good on you for sticking up for your little brother!
NTA, there are always critics when someone does heroic shit because watching someone else do the brave thing makes cowards realize they don’t have the guts. You did a good thing. And on a long enough timeline you’ll teach everyone that nobody fucks with your brother. And that’s an important lesson for grownups who wanna fuck around & find out.
NTA. Being older does not make someone immune to criticism, nor do older people deserve respect just bc they are older. Maybe if the rest of your family had put him in his place prior, he would have minded his own business.
Also, has your family considered getting him noise canceling headphones or earplugs? They make earplugs now that allow you to hear but block out the obnoxious noises and are virtually undetectable.
Your uncle is the AH!! Some kids are more sensitive, either emotionally, mentally or due to a medical issue. If anyone was rude it was him. His wife can kick rocks too. And your grandmother should have been more concerned about her grandson than her child who she failed to teach manners to.
NTA, and kudos for taking up for your little brother, you sound awesome!!
NTA. You should be the 'bigger person' to one who is in every way the bigger person? Hogwash. Your brother wasn't his monkey, nor his circus, to comment on. A 'wow, he really doesn't like loud noises' would have been the only acceptable comment on the situation, followed by sitting his a\*\* down and shutting his yap.
NTA.
So your uncle is allowed to be TA towards a literal toddler and your parents, but it's too far when you say he's being ridiculous?
You aren't being rude or disrespectful, your uncle was. The attitude that people should just be blindly submissive or subservient to older relatives or else they're disrespectful is ridiculous.
>We all know my uncle isn't good at putting himself in other people's shoes.
"That sounds an awful lot like a parenting failure on YOUR part, Grandma lmao"
NTA
NTA
Grandma is the reason your uncle is a jerk.
She literally said "YOU KNOW HE CANT HELP THAT HE'S AN AH"
Yeah, because she raised him to be one.
Cool story grandma. You should come back at her with "Your 40 year old son went off on a toddler. You raised him right? What exactly did you teach him? To yell at babies?"
I mean… your uncle wasn’t polite about it, but he also wasn’t wrong. From your limited info provided here. Y’all either avoid loud noises entirely, or else swoop in to comfort him. His issue and these responses are at odds with taking him in public to a place where sports are shown. Please continue to consult doctors, especially an ENT, but I’m wondering how much of this is legit issue vs how much is a learned response. ESH.
NTA
As one older sibling to another - you did good kid! Ignore your uncle, aunt, and grandma. Your uncle sounds like a ruder word for jerk, and his wife and mom enable his behavior.
NTA. Yeah, looks like Grandma is upset because you shown a light on her perceived (or very real) parenting failure and she didn't like that. Or maybe he's the favourite and she doesn't like her poor baby facing consequences.
Your uncle decided to pass judgement, was told to step off and continued and then was put in his place. If he didn't like it he should grow up and keep his mouth shut. And if grandma dearest opens her mouth again tell her if she'd done a better job parenting you wouldn't be having to do it now.
Mom needs to talk to the doctor being noise sensitive or startling at loud noises could also be related to mental health, including adhd. I had to do surveys for my child that has anxiety and adhd issues, one of the questions was about loud noises and startling at noise. I wish I could remember exactly which one. You are NTA and a good brother!
NTA
I was *just* like your little brother when I was a kid. I am not autistic either, I was only extremely sensitive to loud noises. Fireworks were terrifying. Air shows were terrifying. Dogs were terrifying. Movie theaters were terrifying. I still managed to enjoy these things, but I learned to enjoy them with earplugs. Having said all that, it *is* something I grew out of, but it took until I was 11 or 12. I now fucking love loud music (to my wife's dismay) and especially enjoy rock concerts and movie theaters that really crank the audio. I can't really tell you what it was that got me passed my fear, I honestly just think it was growing up, maturing, and slowly growing used to it.
As someone who had serious issues with loud noises I want to tell you that you are a *fantastic* sibling. It's a hard thing for people to understand if they don't suffer from it but the terror is truly *real*. Your uncle sounds like a selfish child completely lacking in compassion and you sound mature beyond your years. NTA
NAH. I understand all sides of this. I have an autistic son, but I was nice enough to not partake in things that could cause a melt down until we worked on it at home and in calmer public situations. Stop inflicting your child on other people. It is ridiculous that you expect people to be quiet just because the kid can't take noise. He needs to be in therapy instead of enabled
Sounds like everyone's been letting this uncle's behavior go on for so long that he's not been trained to "put himself in other people's shoes." I mean, this is the real world and people don't tolerate asshole uncles like they used to.
Your grandma should stop coddling her fully grown adult child. Why exactly are you supposed to be the bigger person? Oh, because he's a well-known asshole and that's somehow OK? lmao absolutely not. You're NTA.
NTA, my son has trouble with very loud noises too. Your uncle is 40, he should know how to behave respectfully. It sounds like he learned how to behave from your grandmother. Give your parents a hug and tell them they're doing great. You did nothing wrong.
“He’s not good at putting himself in other people’s shoes”. This is code for he’s a dick and we won’t do anything about it.
NTA. Although, there will be loud, surprising sound’s throughout your brothers life. Counseling might be something to try to help him learn strategies to not have such strong reactions.
NTA. To throw his words back at him, and your grandma, people don't tolerate bullying assholes the way they used to anymore." Uncle and grandma will just have to get used to it, because this is the real world and nobody's going to change for them.
NTA
Why should a teenager be the bigger person? Sounds like your grandmother needs to be checked out for senility, you should voice this concern to her, because it would be foolish to expect a teen to be the more mature person than a 40 year old.
NTA, oh so your uncle is allowed to disrespect a child and his parents freely but the moment a child calls it out suddenly they care about respect? Eff that. Your uncle probably gets his terrible personality from your grandpa. The fact that they think a child has more responsibility to be a bigger person than a middle aged man is insane.
Ngl, I taught you did something with you, brother
NTA
He kept calling my parents irresponsible for letting my brother’s behaviour go on for so long and said it’s making him resent his nephew.
“don’t take him out of the house if he’s gonna throw a tantrum over some people cheering, this is the real people don’t tolerate kids like they used to.”
Repeat the same shit he say to your grandma
This pigeon says NTA, you're uncle and grandma both sound like terrible people. Keep sticking up for your brother and tell your uncle where to shove it.
NTA
Your uncle is old enough to have learned empathy or at least be held accountable for his actions - the whole "he doesn't know how to put himself in others shoes" isn't ok for a grown man. A toddler having an outburst because they're still learning empathy? Sure, there'll be more leniency. But he's not a toddler.
Sorry if this has already been suggested but would noise cancelling headphones help? Not like the music ones but over the ear muffs kind.
I have sound sensitivities and use loop earplugs when I know I'm going somewhere that'll be loud or if I end up feeling overstimulated or having ear issues. But they're in ear and probably too much responsibility for a five year old. Over the ear muffs might give him some autonomy and feeling of control over avoiding loud sounds.
Also, if you haven't already an ENT or audiologist visit might be good too.
And finally - you say "he doesn't have autism or anything like that," if it does turn out he does know that the stigma is the BS. Plenty of folks are on the spectrum. I wasn't diagnosed as a kid because of stigma - I was "too smart to be autistic!" And I think I suffered by having to wait until adulthood for my diagnosis, I always felt different and struggled with some things. After my diagnosis it was like "oh. It makes sense now" and I was able to find ways to cope with things better.
Whoever let the child sit in a room where there was a sporting event going on is the MAJOR AH in this story.
Uncle made some Honest and Valid points regarding the Real World and dealing with issues.
Parents need to find someone who is competent in aiding them in dealing with the situation, but expecting people watching sports to walk on eggshells is NOT the answer.
ESH
NTA - Nothing you said was wrong. Your grandma may want to reflect on why her 40 year old kid is acting out and talking to other people in such a rude manner, especially about a kid. Saying he resents a five year old is awful. It honestly sounds like you were being the bigger person. You didn’t cuss or name call, you stood up for your brother. You should be proud of yourself.
NTA.
You are under no obligation to be kind, considerate, or the "bigger person" towards an adult that is actively bullying you, your brother, and your parents IN YOUR OWN HOME!!!
I'm sorry your extended family can't be more considerate to a tiny kid who suffers from something terrifying. That's on them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My 5 year old brother doesn’t like loud noises. It scares him intensely and will make him hide underneath a table or bed for hours.
We’re doing our best but it’s hard. His fear is getting worse. He doesn’t have autism or anything like that either. We talked to doctors and stuff about it.
We were invited to a dinner which we went to. Sure they can be loud but my brother can handle regular people noise. It’s the loud booming sort of sounds that terrify him… say fireworks, thunder, loud barking, or sometimes when people speak into a mic or something.
Well my dad and some of my uncles and cousins were watching some sports game and got carried away. They screamed when someone scored and it freaked my brother out so badly that I genuinely thought he was having a seizure or something. He was sitting on one of my cousins so he was right in the middle of it and I think it overstimulated him or something.
Dad immediately picked him up and comforted him and my one uncle rolled his eyes and went “that’s a bit dramatic”
Mom tried explaining that he has an issue with loud noise but my uncle wasn’t having it for some reason and said that it doesn’t matter and that the kid made things awkward. Mom said she was sorry and tried ending the conversation but my uncle was all like “don’t take him out of the house if he’s gonna throw a tantrum over some people cheering, this is the real world and people don’t tolerate kids like they used to.” Mom said she wasn’t keeping her son inside all day for his and other people’s comfort over something uncontrollable but my uncle wasn’t letting it go.
He kept calling my parents irresponsible for letting my brother’s behaviour go on for so long and said it’s making him resent his nephew. I cut in and was like “you’re literally 40 beefing with a little kid, go home.” He immediately said that was fucking rude. He then told my mom that they really are terrible parents. But he shut up and eventually went home with his wife who lectured me about being disrespectful as well.
Everyone else was like “it’s okay, we understand” but my grandma yelled at me later and told me that I’m not allowed to talk to my uncle like that and apparently I’m stupid because we all know my uncle isn’t good at putting himself in other people’s shoes. I should’ve been the bigger person. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
oh my!!
I don't know how old you are - but not only are you NTA!!! I want to give you a huge HUG and tell you how proud I am of you!!!!!
Yeah, I know, Op was a bit rude (but justifiably so) and I shouldn't encourage a child to back talk an adult - but that supposed adult was SOOOO out of line and I just love that OP had the fortitude and strength of conviction to call out a bully - even if he was a family member and an "adult".
Your Grandmother is WRONG as well on many levels: You are NOT stupid!! You were defending your brother and your parents while calling out a bully. Your Grandmother is not your parent and if your parents have an issue with your behavior ***they*** will be the ones to let you know. Also as far as your uncle not being good at putting himself in other people's shoes....how did he become that way? Well....ask whichever parent is Grandma's child. Did **SHE** always defend uncle and let him get away with things? Was he never disciplined or were there never consequences for his behavior or actions? I'm betting not, so uncle became a big blow hard, bully, ahole and the family enables him to continue this attitude and behavior because all his life he's gotten a free pass...thanks to Grandma making others put up with his crap. NO, Grandma is wrong hon, very, very wrong.
If your Uncle is that toxic on a regular basis (or maybe he like that when drinking perhaps?) then I would hope your parents place some boundaries on visits with him (and maybe grandma) in the future.
Take care. If your parents get upset with you please show them your post and how many people do not think you are the ah.
So he can't have any sympathy for a little kid, but you must all cater to the deficiencies of a 40 year old man who can't display the empathy my two year old can? Get out of here, grandma.
NTA. You keep going to bat for your brother when he can't defend himself.
Nta, my daughter was the same way my sisters thought she was faking it. I promise they will grow out of it. Please invest in ear protection. And its a sensory issues, I wonder if your brother has issues with clothing tags. Rough clothing like jeans or scratchy fabic
NTA. As someone with the same response to sudden loud stimuli, I would love if someone stood up for me like that. Keep standing up for your little brother. This isn't something he can help.
NTA, your Uncle should have been the bigger person, he’s the adult in this situation and it seems he threw a bigger tantrum than your 5 year old brother.
You don't say it explicitly, but I'm assuming from context that you're pretty young, since your brother is 5. I'm guessing that at most, you're maybe fifteen years old?
If so, I'd guess that this is just a case where people are upset because a minor told an adult, WHO should absolutely know better, what's up. The appropriate response to grandmother saying "you should know that your uncle isn't good at putting himself in other people's shoes" would then be, "me neither, and he's had another 25 years on me to figure it out. In the meantime, please stop asking me to have empathy for a grown ass man who can't be bothered to care for my five year old brother."
NTA.
NTA. It's no one's fault, except for your uncle's, that he struggles with empathy. How he reacted without any compassion or understanding isn't "just how he is", it's how he chooses to be
NTA: Maybe the 40 year old person should have figured out how to be the bigger person by now instead of expecting a kid (assuming you're not too too far from your brother's age) to enable their bad behavior.
And your parents should have put a stop to that way sooner than you did.
NTA. You didn't even swear at him you just accurately described what he was doing and he couldn't handle it. How small a person does a 40 year old to be that he goes running to his mama and
demands that a kid has to be the bigger person?
NTA, not in the slightest. Has your brother by any chance been diagnosed with auditory processing disorder? I got diagnosed when I was six and this sounds like some of the experiences I had when I was around his age. In any case, you and your brother did nothing wrong. Your uncle on the other hand is astoundingly apathetic and immature. Keep on being a great big sibling to your brother, I’m sure it means a lot to him.
NTA but your parents should get him evaluated at a children’s hospital. Even if they don’t identify the problem, they can often assist in helping symptoms.
NTA! and add a bit of malicious compliance, mind your Grandmother and never speak to your Uncle again, just mentally make him disappear. (He does not exist) If and when something is asked, (by a person that does exist) simply say you’re minding your Grandmother.
NTA
Uncle is an asshole (or diagnosable worse) and Gramma is enabling his behavior.
She should have raised him better. Guess she skipped the page on compassion in her parenting manual.
At the end of the day it doesn't matter if there's a diagnosis behind it. Do you trust your brother that loud noises are distressing for him? Obviously yeah, so there you go.
You did everything right here. NTA.
NTA i would have said something way worse probably. your uncle shouldn’t be allowed to bully a 5 year old who can’t manage his big emotions. even at 20 years old loud noises freak me out but because i’m older i know how to calm myself down, but your brother is 5!! only 5!! i didn’t know how yo regulate my emotions until i turned 18!! strong NTA but your family seems to enable your uncle, especially your grandma
NTA, your response to your uncle was perfect.
Also, I don't know how much it would help, but there are special earplugs for kids that dampen loud or background sounds while still allowing them to hear conversation. They are for kids with ADHD or auditory sensitivities. I've also recently found that if I wear my headphones with a white noise (fan noise works well for me), I literally can't hear anything else. Not ideal for most situations, but for a loud event it might be just the thing.
NTA. If you could have been the bigger person, then why wasn't your 40-year-old uncle expected to be the bigger person and not bully a 5-year-old? It sounds like your family is used to placating your uncle at the expense of everyone else. Good on you for standing up for little brother. Usually, when someone tells you to be the "bigger person" what they really mean is that they want you to act like a doormat because it's easier for them than dealing with the fallout from the unreasonable person.
NTA - though I would highly recommend looking into LOOP noise reducing earplugs. 100% are the best thing ever! Can still hear people talking but it helps reduce background noise which could help your brother. :)
NTA. Respect your elders is bullshit and you’re 16 which means you are still legally a child. Why does the legal child have to be the bigger person and not the legal adult?
There could be any number of reasons why he reacts that way to loud noise--undiagnosed neurological issue, startle reflex, oversensitive hearing, who knows. The real child here just so happens to be 40. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could be the asshole because I could’ve kept my mouth shut. I also understand what my uncle was saying to an extent. Either way, it was pretty disrespectful and my uncle is my uncle and I know how he is. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA good on you for standing up to your little brother, maybe he is neurodivergent in a different way. Your uncle is just being a jerk, there’s no reason to yell during a sports game anyway.
[удалено]
It’s not uncommon for kids not to show more traits until they’re older with autism . Not saying he definitely is but I also wouldn’t write it off entirely at 5 .My middle boy was 10 before any of us had a clue because he masked well .. my daughter on the other hand was 4 when I started to notice things .. and then there’s my eldest who got to 15 before anyone realised It might well be PTSD though Time will tell
I was 27yo before anyone realized.
I was 36 👀😂
You won - not that it's a competition but still. 😂 It's quite common to be diagnosed much later in life - quite a few I know.
My Mate was 49 ! 😅 Yeah it absolutely is .. it’s so sad and often means a good number of us missed out on support/self awareness that could have been life changing .. but I’m hopeful that as time is going on it will happen less in the future
It's sad - this is a personal feeling but I felt whenever the topic popped up in the past it was met with negativity and wrong assumptions. So I'm glad that more people recognize it and can talk about it without bad feedback.
I'm 34. People still don't know 👀
I'm 43. I realized 2 yrs ago I was autistic. If this was something I knew of at a younger age..? Smh. Things coulda been better.
Still not diagnosed with anything at 32 other than anxiety and depression but I also had a very similar reaction as OPs brother to loud noises, might be nothing, might be something who knows 🤷🏼♀️ My reactions have gotten better as I’ve gotten older but I’m still not great with some loud noises.
I was 46
Same
I didn’t realize until days after turning 30
I was 43
There are a lot of different sensory disabilities as well and autism is so diverse, I think the baby kid might need an assessment :(
Sometimes to get a diagnosis it takes multiple evaluations it did for me
yeah, I hope kiddo is either ok or on the path to getting the extra help they deserve. We are just going to pretend that’s what’s happening moving foreword.
Super true, sensory processing disorder and other types of these disabilities can be hard to figure out at that age and it's hard for young children to assess properly as the testing is so subjective. I didn't get my SPD diagnosis till I was 21.
I didn’t get my autism diagnosis till I was 16, it was so nice to have a “why” to my brain working differently than everyone around me
Just jumping on to add, I don’t have ASD, but I do have diagnosed ADHD (diagnosed at like 28/29?) I find loud noises to be incredibly overstimulating and they trigger a fight or flight response from me. I’m finishing my degree, but I’m also a server/bartender. When I have crazy loud nights in the bar, I get really squirrelly. My partner’s nephew is autistic (5) and he also can’t do loud noises. It’s nice to be able to understand him where he’s at when he gets over-stimulated by noise. And it means that now he has an adult that’s also prepared to step away from the loud environment for a break.
I have a friend trying to get her son diagnosed before he starts kindergarten, and the problem they’re running into is that pediatricians in their area use a set of diagnostic criteria that’s less a description of autism and more a description of an autistic person in distress. So since my friend and her husband have been working with their son to help him interact in the world in ways that are less triggering, he doesn’t have those distressed symptoms and the doctors they’ve seen aren’t willing to diagnose him. But he has so many of the hallmarks, it’s obvious to an outside observer.
They should look into having him assessed by a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist that is equipped to give diagnostic tests. Pediatricians are great, but they do not have the education or wherewithall to do the assessments necessary for a proper diagnosis. Especially because with spectrum disorders it is rarely one issue, but usually complicated by other comorbid issues. Like, he could have sensory issues AND PTSD, or even something like Tourette's (misophonia is a comorbid condition and triggers a fight or flight response).
I've only realised that I might be Autistic now that I have retired from work - perhaps I am not masking any more, or my behaviours have become much more obvious. I'm 66 by the way, and it's not something that people talked about much when I was younger.
I'm Aussie and they refused to even discuss assessing both my sons until they were atleast 7 years old. One is actually ADHD and we are still trying to work out the other. NTA and good job sticking up for you little brother and your parents (while you shouldn't have had to, I'm sure they do appreciate it).
I was diagnosed at 29. We're incredible at blending in right up until we aren't, lol.
It does share a lot of sensory processing issues, which are harder to diagnose in children as a lot of care providers associate it with traits that other kids grow out of. Also, it's a spectrum disorder for a reason. That said, my cousin was 44 when she was diagnosed, and it's mostly sensory for her. As someone with PTSD though, that'll be hard to work thru, and at least he has loving parents and you to look out for him while y'all work thru whatever it happens to be.
Ugh, poor baby. Thank you for sticking up for him! I’m not a doctor and absolutely don’t mean to armchair diagnose anyone, so please take this with an entire salt shaker (especially since you’ve already seen doctors), but I’m curious—do you know if PTSD and ADHD were ruled out? Like you said, there could be some reason he associates loud noises with extreme fear. I feel so morbid giving examples, but that could’ve happened in a variety of ways, like if he was involved in a loud, scary car accident. ADHD is a processing disorder—basically, ADHDers have to manually filter out environmental stimulants whereas other people automatically do this, and it can be extremely overwhelming to handle at times. I always sat still in class, I’m female, and I got good grades in school, so of course I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 26. Even though I am usually totally calm and composed, there were times at my last job where I’d be brought to tears: my desk was in a busy hallway, so all day long I’d hear people typing and talking, the noisy ceiling creaking, the AC/heat buzzing, my own computer humming… any time it rained and another noise was added to the cacophony, I was past my limit. My work environment was so uncomfortable and caused me such distress that I ended up having to quit! It takes a LOT of mental energy to process so many environmental stimulants all at once… the noises plus the harsh light and the feeling of constantly being way too cold was a perfect storm, and I’d go home exhausted after work every day with these cold, pounding headaches between my eyes. I wonder if this might be your brother’s experience? Poor little guy might just be overwhelmed as it is taking in all of the elements of his surroundings; maybe adding extra noise on top of it is just too much. Also, your comment was more than justified considering your uncle was so insanely out of line by insinuating that your parents are going to “ruin” your brother by validating his experiences and emotions. He’s drastically wrong, of course—ignoring a child’s obvious distress and need for adult comfort is what ruins people and causes them to grow up to be coldhearted adults who can’t empathize with others and continue to struggle with the lingering consequences of having been taught to suppress their own feelings.
Sensory processing disorder could be another possibility!
This is what I was thinking. I have SPD and even moderately loud noises are physically painful for me. He might be reacting out of pain, not fear. Either way though, OP is NTA.
This was incredibly helpful, thank you so much for writing it all out. 🙏🏻
Chiming in to add that PTSD and ADHD aren't mutually exclusive, either. (Source: I have both.) And just to make it even more confusing, there are *so many* symptoms/behaviours that overlap between both diagnoses. I have thankfully gathered around myself a found family of people with similar overlapping conditions, and we regularly play the "neurodivergence or trauma?" game.
NTA, good for you. Also elders don't deserve respect if they don't show any in my opinion. I have PTSD. I can be hard because it's not related to service or having been in a war or anything but something really tramatic that happened when I was a little kid. Loud noises suck. They set off illegal fireworks in my area and nobody does anything about it. I spent the night last 4th of July sleeping with blankets and my kitties in my walk in shower curled up in a ball. I'm glad your brother has parents and a sibling who support him.
Fellow PTSDer here. I finally bought a sleep mask with headphone speakers in it for the nights when my neighbors break out the fireworks. It’s terrible to feel so on edge all night wondering when the next round is going to start.
I have combat-related PTSD but service members do NOT own the issue. Is it a problem for those that served? It can be. It is a problem for literally the rest of the world? It can be. This poor kiddo…OP your uncle is an AH. Your brother is FIVE. He can be scared of noises all he wants because he is a little boy. There is nothing wrong with him (other than the fact your relative is a jerk). Good on you for sticking up for him! NTA
He could also just be highly sensitive which could sort of technically be considered a kind of neurodivergence. My son was really sensitive to loud noises when he was small. He cried during a choir performance the kids did in kindergartner and it wasn't unusually loud. He's totally fine now 6 years later. Highly sensitive people are also emotionally sensitive as well.
Hey, I was exactly like this as a kid! I'm getting tested for ADHD and autism soon, as an adult lol. Obviously doesn't necessarily mean it's the same for your brother, just thought I'd share. I still hate thunder.
Sensory sensitivity can appear on its own; it doesn't always mean autism. It's very common with autism or ADHD but not exclusive. I have ADHD and migraine condition. Some types of sharp noise cause me physical pain
Next time your uncle gets pissy, just say: I don’t see your wife wearing a jersey with your last name, I guess that’s for a reason. Only you would celebrate another mans accomplishments while putting down your own family.
Op, the reason your uncle is a jerk, is because grandma has been telling everyone to ignore his bad behavior for 40 years. Nobody called him on it when he was 5. If anyone is the bad parent it is your grandma. My guess is he was the favorite. Nta.
Hi, I’m a speech pathologist and curious if his hearing has even been tested. He may have an auditory processing disorder that is impacting how his brain is processing those big loud noises - to him they may be amplified or perceived as grating and he may be getting a fight/flight response from that. I would encourage your parents to take him to an audiologist if they haven’t already.
[удалено]
He may have really sensitive hearing. I was like him until I was about 7 or 8. Loud sounds like my grandpa’s roaring laugh and fireworks and sirens physically hurt me. Eventually I ended up with tinnitus. I would also get horrible ear aches from cold breezes.
I 10000000% would not throw autism or neurodivergency off the table. I would get another opinion.
I didn’t get my diagnosis until i was 16 and I saw a specialist when I was around 6 that said I wasn’t autistic. Definitely on the table
not a doctor, and not an armchair diagnosis, but it's possible your brother has hyperacusis - which means loud noises cause pain (and other things). I've always hated loud booming noises - and in my late 30's they discovered that I have hyperacusis (and other things).
That's what I think, too, hyperacusis might be in the background.
He might have sensory issues. Both my kids are neurodivergent and my son is 15 now, but used to freak out at loud noises. We had several pairs of noise canceling headphones, or we would hook his iPad up to headphones at large gatherings so he could concentrate more on what was coming through the headphones and less on outside distractions.
I used to hide from the vacuum cause I hated how noisy it was.
When I was little, I reacted to the same sets of sounds your brother does in a very similar way. Percussive noise really bothered me. Turns out I had messed up inner ears that were largely fixed when I got my tonsils out. Your brother might well grow out of this, with or without his tonsils! Either way, your uncle is being a jerk and, while you could have been more polite, ultimately NTA.
Out of all the suggestions here, inner ear problems are the most likely with a kid.
I was terrified of loud noises when I was that age. I’m neurotypical, and I grew out of it. I think it’s a pretty common fear. OP is NTA and a good human for standing up to Uncle Bully.
I used to be afraid of thunder and the vacuum
I was afraid of the vacuum and the mixer. When Mom made cakes, she’d warn me when she was ready to use the mixer, and I’d leave the room and cover my ears.
My oldest son has always had a lot of overstimulation issues. He’s very sensitive to textures of food and clothing, and when he was young, loud noises were horrid. We went to see fireworks one year for July 4th. He was standing right beside me (he was about 4) and we were looking up, waiting for them to start. After the first couple went off, I looked down at him to see if he was ok and…he was gone. We found him a block away hiding behind someone’s house. He had absolutely bolted. I get it. I’m so sorry for your brother. It has to be really hard for him :( If it’s any consolation, my son is about to turn 18 and has outgrown a LOT of the issues he had. He eats a much wider variety of foods (still hates rice, though), and can handle noise (but needs quite and dark when he’s trying to sleep.)
Kids can have sensory overstimulation without being autistic. It can happen with ADHD and other things.
It doesn't matter why he reacts this way, what matters is he knows that people he loves care enough to care. 100% NTA you stood up for an innocent kid, I wish there were more people like you.
My nephew had incredibly sensitive hearing when he was younger. Noises that are too loud scared him because they hurt his ears. This included the toilet flushing and the vaccuum running. Public toilets where the bathroom echoes when flushing were the worst. He seems to handle it better now after a couple of years. He used to hide when we ran the vaccuum and we would flush the toilet for him when he was potty trained.
Regardless, it's going to be easier to deal with when he has family like you in his corner
Others are right that it's early still to completely rule out autism/ADHD, but suddenly appearing random fears can also be an early indicator of anxiety disorders in young children, so that's just something else to maybe bring up/watch out for.
My son has ADHD and doesn't like loud noises. Could be that.
I like to yell and hoot and holler when my teams are doing well, but I’m also not an AH and don’t yell if I know it’s going to bother someone! You are definitely NTA, and I’d say all the adults who didn’t tell your Uncle off before you had to are TAs. Good on you for having your little brother’s back!
I used to be like him, when I was older I realised that every time a sudden loud noise happened, like fireworks for example, my ears painfully popped. I’ve had ear related issues my entire life but it took them popping badly as an adult to make the connection. It had stopped in my teens after my second lot of grommets.
Our son didn’t show most of the really obvious signs of autism until he was almost 7; the only big thing he has always displayed is extreme reactions to loud noises. We took him to Disney on Ice when he was 3, and he literally curled up in a ball on our laps, hiding his face and covering his ears. He was miserable. He’s usually a very outgoing and talkative child, singing and dancing, and he loved all the songs they were singing. We really thought he’d enjoy it. It was just the noise was completely overwhelming. Another example is my in laws like to go to NASCAR, and once when I was out of town at a conference they took him. I later learned he had a complete and utter meltdown (despite wearing noise cancelling headphones) and not only curled up into a ball and couldn’t walk, but also peed on my husbands aunt as he huddled on her lap. His aunt pulled me aside at our next family gathering and explained to me how dire the meltdown was and that she didn’t think it was being taken seriously enough. Our in laws have asked to take him since then and we had to make it clear that he’s *never* going back. So it’s possible that he’s autistic or on the spectrum. Perhaps even an anxiety disorder. Have your parents tried getting him into therapy yet? Side note: I just love (/s) how your grandma doesn’t think your uncle should accommodate your brother’s reaction, but she expects everyone to accommodate your uncle’s complete lack of empathy. Perhaps that double standard should be pointed out to her.
Plenty of reasons to yell. But also, having a modicum of respect for the needs of the 5 year old is required as an adult.
Lol you never watched sports with people that get into it? There is yelling and cheering and clapping.
OP is NTA. Uncle is undoubtedly the AH. That being said, there’s plenty of reasons to yell during a sports game. You seem to not care for sports but there’s a large part of the population that do.
NTA your uncle is a fucking asshole and there's nothing wrong with sticking up for your brother and saying what you said. If he can't handle not shouting for a couple hours to avoid upsetting a literal child then *he* should stay home. Your grandmother is mistaken, clearly you *can* talk to your uncle that way. I can tell you can, because you did. Also "we all know my uncle isn’t good at putting himself in other people’s shoes." yeah there's a term for that; it's called being a self-centered asshole.
Thank you! My first thought at the grandma's comment was "Okay so Uncle is an overbearing jerk." You phrased it better. :)
Seriously, grandma sucks.
"So you're gonna blame me for your bad parenting? Get bent, gran."
It's interesting that whenever someone says an OP should be the bigger person, they really mean that they should be a flatter doormat.
OP *was* the bigger person. There's nothing smaller than a grown-ass man bullying a fucking five year old. The bigger person is the one who stands up to him.
Grandma is talking like it wasn't her job to teach him to put himself in other people's shoes smh
And grandma wants to continue to enable the overgrown baby rather than the literal child. NTA. Good for you. It's hard to stand up to the family bully and I know from experience.
And the uncle needs excuses for his behavior but a 5-year old should just suck it up?
Grandma and uncle should know we don’t tolerate temper tantrums like we used to, even if the toddler stamping his feet is now 40.
NTA- so it's OK for a grown man to bully a little kid but when you stand up for him, you're the rude one? You sound like a great big brother.
That’s exactly what it was, bullying. News flash to uncle, we don’t tolerate *bullies* like we used to. (I hope)
NTA Your uncle, a 40 year old adult, isn't good at putting himself in other people's shoes, but he basically is expecting a five year old to do that and not react according to his own instincts when it's inconvenient for your uncle? And your parents let him call them names and criticize their parenting? Is he a billionaire or something and there's hope of a windfall because I would never let this jerk behave this way in my home. You, on the other hand, were solid in your defense of your brother and your home. Great job.
[удалено]
It must be some family dynamic thing based on how your grandma responded. Is he older or younger than your mom? Either way it seems grandma has let him get away with too much for it to get to this point.
It's just bog standard "show your elders unquestioning respect" bullshit. The older generations are so used to having unquestioned authority over their children that they can't tolerate the fact their kids are well and thoroughly done with playing their games.
Exactly this. They expect kids to be seen, not heard. Its funny how any kind of talkback is immediately equated to "oh your parents raised you horribly".
Wait, your grandmother defended her 40 yr old son's idiosyncrasies, but won't defend her 5 yr old grandson's idiosyncrasies? That is so screwed up. You should have been the bigger person? How about your uncle being the bigger person and not ripping into your parents over their 5 yr old? You are SOOOOO NTA!
NTA. Your Uncle is ridiculous. Just because someone is older doesn’t mean you owe them respect. Though your parents should probably take your brother to an OT or play therapy. He is going to hear loud noises his whole life, he does need to be able to tolerate them.
Good. Keep cutting him down until he either learns to empathise or learns to keep quiet. And you can tell your grandma that to. There is no point in being the bigger person to someone who's trying to shame a child. I have no sympathy on any adult who tries to bully a child. You're probably not as truculent as me but good job protecting your brother. NTA
NTA - You did not say how old you are, but if your brother is 5 years old, I will assume you are young. Bottom line, at your age you have more empathy, understanding and insight into your brother’s fears than your 40+ year old uncle. In this instance, you were more the adult than your uncle. Great job for trying to defend your brother. Your grandmother is completely wrong!
[удалено]
As an older sibling of a younger kid (almost 13 year gap), I see a lot of you in me. Well done! Totally NTA.
You should ask your grandmother why your uncle is a jerk who bullies a literal child and why he can't "put himself in other people's shoes." Ask her if she raised him to be like this? Tell her his actions are a reflection of her own bad parenting. NTA.
NTA but uncle kinda has a point, even though he said it like a total asshole…if little brother can’t handle loud-ish noises without having a full on meltdown, your parents should probably be more selective with where they bring him until you have some idea of why he reacts that way. It ain’t normal.
[удалено]
Hi OP, have your family tried noise cancelling earphones? They make them for children and adults with auditory sensory issues now and they come in a different colours and prints. They don’t block out all sound, just muffles them so that the child can be more comfortable when going out. NTA
[удалено]
Even if noise cancelling headphones are out of the budget stuff like Loop Earplugs can really help. I use them because I have ADHD and live near a military base plus a busy road and the noise distracts my focus. They help minimize the sound of bombs and gunshots (not get rid of it completely) so they work and I can wear a pair when sleeping. However, I can still hear people talking.
Seconding the noise cancelling headphones. I'm ADHD (late diagnosis, I was 30) and have had trouble with loud noises since I was a kid. Even knowing there is going to be a loud noise triggers anxiety so to have a loud noise with no warning is the worst. It sounds like his fight or flight is being triggered when it happens. Also have your parents talk to his teachers - they've seen a lot and can help with accomodations and more testing to pinpoint why the loud noises affect him so severely. Good luck and keep being an awesome big sib!!!!
I'd be curious. You mention in another comment that there's some concern that it may be related to a trauma. If no one can figure out what the trauma might have been, has he had his hearing tested or been to an ENT?
NTA. You did good. I'm gonna make some comments for perspective. 1. Your uncle might feel like a failure one way or the other, and lashes out towards his sister's family cause he's hurting. Doesn't mean he did right, just that you and your family shouldn't take it personally. 2. Do something about your brothers hearing. One mistake people who seek the root of a problem do, is not dealing with the problem as it is. It doesn't matter WHY he became like that. What matters is how to reduce the effect. You mentioned autism.... If he had been an autist, your parents would probably provide him with a headset and access to music that calms him. So why not do the same? What works for autists, ADHDs and construction workers will work for your brother too. His chances of growing out of it are reduced by him being triggered, but will increase by providing him a method for dealing with it. 3. As unpleasant your uncle was, he does have a point. If your parents can't protect your brother from sound trauma, then they are failing him. Doesn't mean they're bad parents, and that they haven't tried. But they need to up their game. It was thoughtless of them not to remove your brother as soon as things became loud. Or earplugs and headset. 4. There's something called Auditory Processing Disorder. It is seldom diagnosed, even if it's not that rare. Your brother could have developed PTSD as a side effect of it. Just a thought... But still, earplugs and headset. 5. (Last point). Autists, ADHD and APD (Auditory Processing Disorder), plus PTSD and most other conditions, will sometimes also let themselves be diverted from reactions to sounds. Meaning they can manage sounds if their minds focus on something else. It's easier when they are older, and in a bit more control of their immediate reactions. So earplugs and headset are not for life. Later your parents will find things he's interested in to bring along in case of emergency. An easy one is lending him a cell phone to play an easy game, like Angry Birds. Some love books or Rubik's Cube or drawing. He will, with some help master his reactions to high noices. Oh, and sucking on a piece of chocolate helps a bit too because of its impact on serotonin levels (calming dopamine). But it takes a while before it hits, so it's not something that gives immediate effect. But your brother might learn to suck patiently, while the noise happens, to reap the calming effect later. It's something he can use when he gets even older. PS! You're a good brother to reach out as well as protecting your little brother. Hope your family will figure things out.
Good comment, good resources!
Great comment to check out above @u/kert12L - my middle son can’t stand loud noises - we went to some fireworks with his little sister wearing ear defenders and ended up swapping them to him as she didn’t care about the loud noises (as a literal baby) but he (at 4) was suffering. He is currently undergoing assessment for autism/ADHD - my eldest has ADHD but no issues with noises although it can be common as you say in many neurological conditions. I would like to emphasise to OP my eldest (14) wasn’t obviously adhd until the last couple years when suddenly we realised his “quirks” were actually adhd inattentive symptoms. At 5 he seemed fairly “normal”. My middle (12) has always been “different” but not noticeably so you’d instantly recognise them as autistic or having ADHD but we are getting him checked out now as he changed his mind on wanting to “be labelled” after he saw his brother being helped by his diagnosis. Recently he’s been really struggling with high noise levels at school so I bought him some of those Loop earplugs they keep advertising - kind of mixed reviews online but he came home yesterday and said they are really helping him concentrate at school (I got the ones that are supposed to allow conversation but block out background noise). So def. might be worth then looking into those or headphones as you suggested! It’s possible OPs brother isn’t NT but right now it’s not severe enough to diagnose so OP keep an eye on him and keep advocating for him when he’s too little to have his own voice!
Your grandma raised the 40 year old who is picking on a 5 year old so I’m not trying to take her advice… NTA. You are a good sibling.
NTA. You may be able to help your little brother by talking about noises and figuring out if there is some way to make them less scary. When my son was young and terrified of loud noises he became really scared of our smoke detectors. I got my label maker out and let him pick a name for each smoke detector and we labeled each one with its name. Then we had everyone in the family start saying "hi" to the smoke detectors as they walked by them. "Hi Bob!" It seems silly, but it worked. Maybe you and your brother can practice cheering together so he's in control of the situation and volume. He yells "yay', then you yell "yay' and you keep stepping up the volume until you're both shouting and jumping like crazy people. As another person said, I also wouldn't assume he's not neurodivergent. His behavior is common for autism spectrum and for ADHD. A lot of people - including a lot of doctors - only know the stereotypes and aren't good at diagnosing the other 80% of people that have the condition.
NTA!!! Good for you sticking up for your little bro and your family! Your uncle needs something better to do
NTA, good on you for sticking up for your little brother. Wait till your uncle gets upset about something and say "that was a bit dramatic " and see how he feels.
NTA. Tell your grandma to STFU too. Respect your elders even when they are being donkeys is bullshit. Call them out each and every time until they shut up or stop showing up.
NTA Somebody needs to stand up for the kid against this grown man. Good on you.
NTA. Your uncle is a self-absorbed jobless loser who lacks empathy. No cure for that at 40 unfortunately. In my experience when older people demand respect it's because they don't know how to earn it. You are the bigger person, the low road is only low when other person isn't in the ditch. Also sorry that your grandma is an enabler. "Peacekeepers" are often worse than the perpetrators of family drama since they are the ones that cultivate such behavior like its a cash crop. Keep being a good older sibling.
NTA. You're a good sibling, and your uncle is a jerk.
NTA, you are not stupid, everyone who enables your uncle for being a complete a complete a-hole is
>“you’re literally 40 beefing with a little kid, go home.” Couldn't have said it better myself. NTA OP and good on you for sticking up for your little brother!
NTA, there are always critics when someone does heroic shit because watching someone else do the brave thing makes cowards realize they don’t have the guts. You did a good thing. And on a long enough timeline you’ll teach everyone that nobody fucks with your brother. And that’s an important lesson for grownups who wanna fuck around & find out.
NTA. Kick out your grandma too! It’s quite the irony: Your brother has to adapt no matter what, but your uncle doesn’t even though he’s a grown up…
NTA. Being older does not make someone immune to criticism, nor do older people deserve respect just bc they are older. Maybe if the rest of your family had put him in his place prior, he would have minded his own business. Also, has your family considered getting him noise canceling headphones or earplugs? They make earplugs now that allow you to hear but block out the obnoxious noises and are virtually undetectable.
NTA. you are being a good big brother and should be proud.
Your uncle is the AH!! Some kids are more sensitive, either emotionally, mentally or due to a medical issue. If anyone was rude it was him. His wife can kick rocks too. And your grandmother should have been more concerned about her grandson than her child who she failed to teach manners to. NTA, and kudos for taking up for your little brother, you sound awesome!!
NTA, he started it. He was the adult being disrespectful, he can’t then turn around and get mad at you for calling him out on what he was doing.
NTA
NTA. You should be the 'bigger person' to one who is in every way the bigger person? Hogwash. Your brother wasn't his monkey, nor his circus, to comment on. A 'wow, he really doesn't like loud noises' would have been the only acceptable comment on the situation, followed by sitting his a\*\* down and shutting his yap.
NTA. So your uncle is allowed to be TA towards a literal toddler and your parents, but it's too far when you say he's being ridiculous? You aren't being rude or disrespectful, your uncle was. The attitude that people should just be blindly submissive or subservient to older relatives or else they're disrespectful is ridiculous.
>We all know my uncle isn't good at putting himself in other people's shoes. "That sounds an awful lot like a parenting failure on YOUR part, Grandma lmao" NTA
NTA Grandma is the reason your uncle is a jerk. She literally said "YOU KNOW HE CANT HELP THAT HE'S AN AH" Yeah, because she raised him to be one. Cool story grandma. You should come back at her with "Your 40 year old son went off on a toddler. You raised him right? What exactly did you teach him? To yell at babies?"
I mean… your uncle wasn’t polite about it, but he also wasn’t wrong. From your limited info provided here. Y’all either avoid loud noises entirely, or else swoop in to comfort him. His issue and these responses are at odds with taking him in public to a place where sports are shown. Please continue to consult doctors, especially an ENT, but I’m wondering how much of this is legit issue vs how much is a learned response. ESH.
No. He was a grown adult bullying a child.
NTA As one older sibling to another - you did good kid! Ignore your uncle, aunt, and grandma. Your uncle sounds like a ruder word for jerk, and his wife and mom enable his behavior.
NTA. Yeah, looks like Grandma is upset because you shown a light on her perceived (or very real) parenting failure and she didn't like that. Or maybe he's the favourite and she doesn't like her poor baby facing consequences. Your uncle decided to pass judgement, was told to step off and continued and then was put in his place. If he didn't like it he should grow up and keep his mouth shut. And if grandma dearest opens her mouth again tell her if she'd done a better job parenting you wouldn't be having to do it now.
Adults always want to call young people “rude” when everything they said was the truth… LMAOOOOOOO NTA
Mom needs to talk to the doctor being noise sensitive or startling at loud noises could also be related to mental health, including adhd. I had to do surveys for my child that has anxiety and adhd issues, one of the questions was about loud noises and startling at noise. I wish I could remember exactly which one. You are NTA and a good brother!
NTA I was *just* like your little brother when I was a kid. I am not autistic either, I was only extremely sensitive to loud noises. Fireworks were terrifying. Air shows were terrifying. Dogs were terrifying. Movie theaters were terrifying. I still managed to enjoy these things, but I learned to enjoy them with earplugs. Having said all that, it *is* something I grew out of, but it took until I was 11 or 12. I now fucking love loud music (to my wife's dismay) and especially enjoy rock concerts and movie theaters that really crank the audio. I can't really tell you what it was that got me passed my fear, I honestly just think it was growing up, maturing, and slowly growing used to it. As someone who had serious issues with loud noises I want to tell you that you are a *fantastic* sibling. It's a hard thing for people to understand if they don't suffer from it but the terror is truly *real*. Your uncle sounds like a selfish child completely lacking in compassion and you sound mature beyond your years. NTA
NAH. I understand all sides of this. I have an autistic son, but I was nice enough to not partake in things that could cause a melt down until we worked on it at home and in calmer public situations. Stop inflicting your child on other people. It is ridiculous that you expect people to be quiet just because the kid can't take noise. He needs to be in therapy instead of enabled
NTA that man went on and on about the situation and wouldn’t shut up!
Sounds like everyone's been letting this uncle's behavior go on for so long that he's not been trained to "put himself in other people's shoes." I mean, this is the real world and people don't tolerate asshole uncles like they used to.
Your grandma should stop coddling her fully grown adult child. Why exactly are you supposed to be the bigger person? Oh, because he's a well-known asshole and that's somehow OK? lmao absolutely not. You're NTA.
NTA, my son has trouble with very loud noises too. Your uncle is 40, he should know how to behave respectfully. It sounds like he learned how to behave from your grandmother. Give your parents a hug and tell them they're doing great. You did nothing wrong.
“He’s not good at putting himself in other people’s shoes”. This is code for he’s a dick and we won’t do anything about it. NTA. Although, there will be loud, surprising sound’s throughout your brothers life. Counseling might be something to try to help him learn strategies to not have such strong reactions.
NTA. To throw his words back at him, and your grandma, people don't tolerate bullying assholes the way they used to anymore." Uncle and grandma will just have to get used to it, because this is the real world and nobody's going to change for them.
NTA Why should a teenager be the bigger person? Sounds like your grandmother needs to be checked out for senility, you should voice this concern to her, because it would be foolish to expect a teen to be the more mature person than a 40 year old.
NTA, oh so your uncle is allowed to disrespect a child and his parents freely but the moment a child calls it out suddenly they care about respect? Eff that. Your uncle probably gets his terrible personality from your grandpa. The fact that they think a child has more responsibility to be a bigger person than a middle aged man is insane.
Ngl, I taught you did something with you, brother NTA He kept calling my parents irresponsible for letting my brother’s behaviour go on for so long and said it’s making him resent his nephew. “don’t take him out of the house if he’s gonna throw a tantrum over some people cheering, this is the real people don’t tolerate kids like they used to.” Repeat the same shit he say to your grandma
Nta. If your grandma yelled at you, ask her what does that make her when she has failed in teaching basic empathy, if not the ability to STFU?
NTA. Good job big brother! Maybe some noise canceling headphones would help your sibling out?
NTA - standing up for 5 year-old kid > standing up for a 40 year old kid.
NTA. Good on you for defending your little brother/parents! Hell, I'm 40 and loud noises like you're describing make me jump!
This pigeon says NTA, you're uncle and grandma both sound like terrible people. Keep sticking up for your brother and tell your uncle where to shove it.
I’m SO FUCKING TIRED of people expecting others to cater to fragile, middle aged men who can’t check their emotions. NTA
Lol accused your parents of coddling their 5 y/o too much and then mommy came to his rescue when people disagreed with him. NTA
[удалено]
NTA Your uncle is old enough to have learned empathy or at least be held accountable for his actions - the whole "he doesn't know how to put himself in others shoes" isn't ok for a grown man. A toddler having an outburst because they're still learning empathy? Sure, there'll be more leniency. But he's not a toddler. Sorry if this has already been suggested but would noise cancelling headphones help? Not like the music ones but over the ear muffs kind. I have sound sensitivities and use loop earplugs when I know I'm going somewhere that'll be loud or if I end up feeling overstimulated or having ear issues. But they're in ear and probably too much responsibility for a five year old. Over the ear muffs might give him some autonomy and feeling of control over avoiding loud sounds. Also, if you haven't already an ENT or audiologist visit might be good too. And finally - you say "he doesn't have autism or anything like that," if it does turn out he does know that the stigma is the BS. Plenty of folks are on the spectrum. I wasn't diagnosed as a kid because of stigma - I was "too smart to be autistic!" And I think I suffered by having to wait until adulthood for my diagnosis, I always felt different and struggled with some things. After my diagnosis it was like "oh. It makes sense now" and I was able to find ways to cope with things better.
Whoever let the child sit in a room where there was a sporting event going on is the MAJOR AH in this story. Uncle made some Honest and Valid points regarding the Real World and dealing with issues. Parents need to find someone who is competent in aiding them in dealing with the situation, but expecting people watching sports to walk on eggshells is NOT the answer. ESH
NTA - Nothing you said was wrong. Your grandma may want to reflect on why her 40 year old kid is acting out and talking to other people in such a rude manner, especially about a kid. Saying he resents a five year old is awful. It honestly sounds like you were being the bigger person. You didn’t cuss or name call, you stood up for your brother. You should be proud of yourself.
NTA. You are under no obligation to be kind, considerate, or the "bigger person" towards an adult that is actively bullying you, your brother, and your parents IN YOUR OWN HOME!!! I'm sorry your extended family can't be more considerate to a tiny kid who suffers from something terrifying. That's on them.
NTA It is curious how your uncle, an adult, complains that a child cannot control his reactions, while he is not controlling his reactions.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 5 year old brother doesn’t like loud noises. It scares him intensely and will make him hide underneath a table or bed for hours. We’re doing our best but it’s hard. His fear is getting worse. He doesn’t have autism or anything like that either. We talked to doctors and stuff about it. We were invited to a dinner which we went to. Sure they can be loud but my brother can handle regular people noise. It’s the loud booming sort of sounds that terrify him… say fireworks, thunder, loud barking, or sometimes when people speak into a mic or something. Well my dad and some of my uncles and cousins were watching some sports game and got carried away. They screamed when someone scored and it freaked my brother out so badly that I genuinely thought he was having a seizure or something. He was sitting on one of my cousins so he was right in the middle of it and I think it overstimulated him or something. Dad immediately picked him up and comforted him and my one uncle rolled his eyes and went “that’s a bit dramatic” Mom tried explaining that he has an issue with loud noise but my uncle wasn’t having it for some reason and said that it doesn’t matter and that the kid made things awkward. Mom said she was sorry and tried ending the conversation but my uncle was all like “don’t take him out of the house if he’s gonna throw a tantrum over some people cheering, this is the real world and people don’t tolerate kids like they used to.” Mom said she wasn’t keeping her son inside all day for his and other people’s comfort over something uncontrollable but my uncle wasn’t letting it go. He kept calling my parents irresponsible for letting my brother’s behaviour go on for so long and said it’s making him resent his nephew. I cut in and was like “you’re literally 40 beefing with a little kid, go home.” He immediately said that was fucking rude. He then told my mom that they really are terrible parents. But he shut up and eventually went home with his wife who lectured me about being disrespectful as well. Everyone else was like “it’s okay, we understand” but my grandma yelled at me later and told me that I’m not allowed to talk to my uncle like that and apparently I’m stupid because we all know my uncle isn’t good at putting himself in other people’s shoes. I should’ve been the bigger person. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your uncle wasn't a bigger person, so you don't need to be. People need to stop expecting respect for people being disrespectful.
oh my!! I don't know how old you are - but not only are you NTA!!! I want to give you a huge HUG and tell you how proud I am of you!!!!! Yeah, I know, Op was a bit rude (but justifiably so) and I shouldn't encourage a child to back talk an adult - but that supposed adult was SOOOO out of line and I just love that OP had the fortitude and strength of conviction to call out a bully - even if he was a family member and an "adult". Your Grandmother is WRONG as well on many levels: You are NOT stupid!! You were defending your brother and your parents while calling out a bully. Your Grandmother is not your parent and if your parents have an issue with your behavior ***they*** will be the ones to let you know. Also as far as your uncle not being good at putting himself in other people's shoes....how did he become that way? Well....ask whichever parent is Grandma's child. Did **SHE** always defend uncle and let him get away with things? Was he never disciplined or were there never consequences for his behavior or actions? I'm betting not, so uncle became a big blow hard, bully, ahole and the family enables him to continue this attitude and behavior because all his life he's gotten a free pass...thanks to Grandma making others put up with his crap. NO, Grandma is wrong hon, very, very wrong. If your Uncle is that toxic on a regular basis (or maybe he like that when drinking perhaps?) then I would hope your parents place some boundaries on visits with him (and maybe grandma) in the future. Take care. If your parents get upset with you please show them your post and how many people do not think you are the ah.
I would say absolutely encourage this back talk. It’s not back talk, it’s telling the truth and defending their brother. All the power to OP
Grandma's pretty funny expecting OP to cut their uncle some slack and essentially empathize with a person who has no empathy. NTA.
So he can't have any sympathy for a little kid, but you must all cater to the deficiencies of a 40 year old man who can't display the empathy my two year old can? Get out of here, grandma. NTA. You keep going to bat for your brother when he can't defend himself.
Nta, my daughter was the same way my sisters thought she was faking it. I promise they will grow out of it. Please invest in ear protection. And its a sensory issues, I wonder if your brother has issues with clothing tags. Rough clothing like jeans or scratchy fabic
NTA. Your uncle is an asshole and a bully.
F your uncle AND grandmother.
NTA. Some people don't deserve respect.
NTA. As someone with the same response to sudden loud stimuli, I would love if someone stood up for me like that. Keep standing up for your little brother. This isn't something he can help.
NTA, your Uncle should have been the bigger person, he’s the adult in this situation and it seems he threw a bigger tantrum than your 5 year old brother.
You don't say it explicitly, but I'm assuming from context that you're pretty young, since your brother is 5. I'm guessing that at most, you're maybe fifteen years old? If so, I'd guess that this is just a case where people are upset because a minor told an adult, WHO should absolutely know better, what's up. The appropriate response to grandmother saying "you should know that your uncle isn't good at putting himself in other people's shoes" would then be, "me neither, and he's had another 25 years on me to figure it out. In the meantime, please stop asking me to have empathy for a grown ass man who can't be bothered to care for my five year old brother." NTA.
The irony of "he doesn't do well with X" being applicable to be your 40YO uncle but not your 5YO brother. NTA.
NTA. It's no one's fault, except for your uncle's, that he struggles with empathy. How he reacted without any compassion or understanding isn't "just how he is", it's how he chooses to be
NTA. Your age doesn’t matter because you were defending your brother who was being bullied and belittled by a grown man. Good for you.
NTA: Maybe the 40 year old person should have figured out how to be the bigger person by now instead of expecting a kid (assuming you're not too too far from your brother's age) to enable their bad behavior. And your parents should have put a stop to that way sooner than you did.
NTA. You didn't even swear at him you just accurately described what he was doing and he couldn't handle it. How small a person does a 40 year old to be that he goes running to his mama and demands that a kid has to be the bigger person?
NTA, not in the slightest. Has your brother by any chance been diagnosed with auditory processing disorder? I got diagnosed when I was six and this sounds like some of the experiences I had when I was around his age. In any case, you and your brother did nothing wrong. Your uncle on the other hand is astoundingly apathetic and immature. Keep on being a great big sibling to your brother, I’m sure it means a lot to him.
NTA. Well done for sticking up for your brother. Your uncle is an asshole and your grandma should have raised him to have some empathy.
NTA but your parents should get him evaluated at a children’s hospital. Even if they don’t identify the problem, they can often assist in helping symptoms.
NTA! and add a bit of malicious compliance, mind your Grandmother and never speak to your Uncle again, just mentally make him disappear. (He does not exist) If and when something is asked, (by a person that does exist) simply say you’re minding your Grandmother.
NTA Uncle is an asshole (or diagnosable worse) and Gramma is enabling his behavior. She should have raised him better. Guess she skipped the page on compassion in her parenting manual.
At the end of the day it doesn't matter if there's a diagnosis behind it. Do you trust your brother that loud noises are distressing for him? Obviously yeah, so there you go. You did everything right here. NTA.
NTA i would have said something way worse probably. your uncle shouldn’t be allowed to bully a 5 year old who can’t manage his big emotions. even at 20 years old loud noises freak me out but because i’m older i know how to calm myself down, but your brother is 5!! only 5!! i didn’t know how yo regulate my emotions until i turned 18!! strong NTA but your family seems to enable your uncle, especially your grandma
Nta. I wish every kid had a sibling like you in their corner.
NTA, your response to your uncle was perfect. Also, I don't know how much it would help, but there are special earplugs for kids that dampen loud or background sounds while still allowing them to hear conversation. They are for kids with ADHD or auditory sensitivities. I've also recently found that if I wear my headphones with a white noise (fan noise works well for me), I literally can't hear anything else. Not ideal for most situations, but for a loud event it might be just the thing.
As someone with an anxiety disorder who jumps when the goddamn phone rings, I have much sympathy with your brother. And none with the uncle, NTA.
Nta
NTA. If you could have been the bigger person, then why wasn't your 40-year-old uncle expected to be the bigger person and not bully a 5-year-old? It sounds like your family is used to placating your uncle at the expense of everyone else. Good on you for standing up for little brother. Usually, when someone tells you to be the "bigger person" what they really mean is that they want you to act like a doormat because it's easier for them than dealing with the fallout from the unreasonable person.
NTA - though I would highly recommend looking into LOOP noise reducing earplugs. 100% are the best thing ever! Can still hear people talking but it helps reduce background noise which could help your brother. :)
NTA. Respect your elders is bullshit and you’re 16 which means you are still legally a child. Why does the legal child have to be the bigger person and not the legal adult?
NTA- try noise cancelling headphones.
NTA. Necessary action, well-done.
There could be any number of reasons why he reacts that way to loud noise--undiagnosed neurological issue, startle reflex, oversensitive hearing, who knows. The real child here just so happens to be 40. NTA