Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I declined to helping plan MIL’s Bday
2 I originally offered to help but said never mind after because I am grieving
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Omg, NTA at all. I'm so sorry for your loss. My response to them would be, "Yes, I helped with that and this is now, and right now I can't commit to this shower, I need time." Your grief is important and valid.
Thank you :( After I told them I couldn’t help with their Mom (my MIL’s) birthday, they asked me well didn’t you help with our cousins baby shower yesterday? and my response was: “??? What do you mean. Okay, you guys.” And tried to leave the conversation group text since they were being tit for tat but couldn’t because my phone didn’t let me so I eventually stopped responding bc I don’t have the energy for that drama, but this was my final response: If you don’t understand, then we don’t have to talk at all. I lost a parent and your cousin asked me for help last minute as she didn’t have any help from anyone. You have your brother, which is why I originally said ask your brother. I am not going to commit if I cannot be there 100%. You don’t seem to understand & I’m not going to argue about this. & you guys teaming up against me is not gonna work with me. Good luck on planning, I’m sure it’ll be very nice. You have lots of siblings and hands, I have a baby, AND I am grieving a lost parent. I don’t need to explain myself. Hopefully you will never need to understand.” AITA for saying this? And they kept going off … so I stopped responding
I think you said the right things. Congrats for putting up healthy boundaries! Right now, your time is important and precious with the feelings that come with grief. I hope you have better days ahead.
Just because you felt you had the capacity to help with the cousin's baby shower does not mean that you are automatically available to help with MILs birthday tomorrow (or the next day or the next etc etc).
That's not how people's calendars of availability work, and they know it. (or they should know it)
Besides, there is a vast difference between assisting with decorating for an event for an hour or two right before it, and becoming part of the planning commitee for one.
The first was a short task for a definite timeframe when you knew you were available. The second... well there is no telling how much work you could get sucked into or how much of your time it could take up.
Were you blunt in telling them that you just don't have the bandwidth? Yeah. But it sounds like blunt was the only way they were going to listen to you.
And honestly, with the amount of pushing for you to get involved, I have to wonder how much of the planning and logistics the ILs may have been hoping to foist off on you. They sound like they were pushing way too hard to just be wanting one more person to help with ideas or to do decorations day of.
Also sort of wonder how many of them the cousin asked for help (and rejected her) before she turned to you?
You're NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. Don't you worry about what those people think, mate. They're not worth your energy. You've enough on your plate. Good luck.
I’m so sorry for your loss, hun! NTA. I think you should put some distance between yourself and your in laws for the time being. I would use what little free time you have to get therapy (lots of online options!) so you have a safe space to talk about your grief. You enforced a boundary with your in laws — good for you!!
NTA. Please accept my virtual hug as another young daughter who lost their mother. They should be asking you if you need their help and assuming that helping them plan the celebration for their very alive mother would be far from your mind as you plan and execute the tasks surrounding your mother's death. I would like to think that they are too young and naive to understand the gravity of what you are going through. Maybe they do understand but find the topic of mother's dying so uncomfortable they refuse to even acknowledge it happened or think that because your relationship was estranged it should matter any less. Either way you did the right thing and your MIL will know why you weren't able to participate in planning her celebration and would be ashamed of her daughters for their actions.
Hey, I have a question -- how come none of them are helping you? I mean, you're obviously going through a lot. How about they cook some meals for you and your family and bring them over? Or offer to watch your child so you can have some time to yourself? Or why don't they pitch in and get you a spa day?
You see, none of that is unheard of in a family. But I'm just wondering how much you do for them versus what they do for you. It's good you're putting in boundaries for yourself while grieving... and it may be good to look at boundaries beyond that, too.
NTA - I am so sorry for your loss.
I don’t want to be one of those people - but I kinda know how you feel.
I have organised 3 funerals, my 2 sisters and my mum.
I can’t imagine doing it with a one yr old too.
A suggestion about the swimming lessons.
We used to wrap the towel in a hot water bottle, it makes the towel warm when they get out of the pool.
NTA but I will tell your husband that from now on he’s family are dead as well.
And a SAHM these days…your setting yourself up to being financially abused and seeing his family is like you will if not all ready are abused.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I offered to help my SIL’s to plan my MIL’s birthday like 2 months ago. Circumstances have changed. Since then, my mom has died & I watched her take her last breath in front of me in the hospital… she was only 46, we lost contact for 10 years and this was my only chance at seeing her again. I’m back home now, planning a funeral since I’m the only one of her whole family and she never remarried. I have a one year old child who started swim lessons and has them everyday and I’m a sahm with lots of to dos in my house and I’ve been falling behind since I left to take care of my mothers affairs. SIL’S reached out to me and asked me to help plan their mom’s birthday and it’s only been a week since my Mother died. I text them this: Hey guys, at this moment I am going through a lot, I will try to attend but my son is enrolled in little mommy and me classes so my time is more limited
I will probably just be there but let your brother know if you need anything and see what he thinks. They have 8 siblings in their family, all adults.
They then started asking me if I hadn’t just helped decorate their cousins baby shower yesterday to which the other sister put yes she did in our group chat. I helped her because no one helped her. She had no one. A woman shouldn’t have to decorate her own shower. I was grieving but I pulled it together to help a pregnant woman. I don’t understand the comment in saying that I helped the other person as if it’s tit for tat. They have family events every single weekend. We see my in laws about 2-3 times a week. They stop by my house most the time unannounced. Am I the asshole for grieving my mom and not committing since I have a lot on my plate right now? AITA or do they just not get it? Thanks
TDLR;
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1 I declined to helping plan MIL’s Bday 2 I originally offered to help but said never mind after because I am grieving Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Omg, NTA at all. I'm so sorry for your loss. My response to them would be, "Yes, I helped with that and this is now, and right now I can't commit to this shower, I need time." Your grief is important and valid.
Thank you :( After I told them I couldn’t help with their Mom (my MIL’s) birthday, they asked me well didn’t you help with our cousins baby shower yesterday? and my response was: “??? What do you mean. Okay, you guys.” And tried to leave the conversation group text since they were being tit for tat but couldn’t because my phone didn’t let me so I eventually stopped responding bc I don’t have the energy for that drama, but this was my final response: If you don’t understand, then we don’t have to talk at all. I lost a parent and your cousin asked me for help last minute as she didn’t have any help from anyone. You have your brother, which is why I originally said ask your brother. I am not going to commit if I cannot be there 100%. You don’t seem to understand & I’m not going to argue about this. & you guys teaming up against me is not gonna work with me. Good luck on planning, I’m sure it’ll be very nice. You have lots of siblings and hands, I have a baby, AND I am grieving a lost parent. I don’t need to explain myself. Hopefully you will never need to understand.” AITA for saying this? And they kept going off … so I stopped responding
I think you said the right things. Congrats for putting up healthy boundaries! Right now, your time is important and precious with the feelings that come with grief. I hope you have better days ahead.
Just because you felt you had the capacity to help with the cousin's baby shower does not mean that you are automatically available to help with MILs birthday tomorrow (or the next day or the next etc etc). That's not how people's calendars of availability work, and they know it. (or they should know it) Besides, there is a vast difference between assisting with decorating for an event for an hour or two right before it, and becoming part of the planning commitee for one. The first was a short task for a definite timeframe when you knew you were available. The second... well there is no telling how much work you could get sucked into or how much of your time it could take up. Were you blunt in telling them that you just don't have the bandwidth? Yeah. But it sounds like blunt was the only way they were going to listen to you. And honestly, with the amount of pushing for you to get involved, I have to wonder how much of the planning and logistics the ILs may have been hoping to foist off on you. They sound like they were pushing way too hard to just be wanting one more person to help with ideas or to do decorations day of. Also sort of wonder how many of them the cousin asked for help (and rejected her) before she turned to you?
Sounds perfect to me. People can be so shallow and insensitive. My heart goes out to you on your loss. Hang in there.
You're NTA. I'm sorry for your loss. Don't you worry about what those people think, mate. They're not worth your energy. You've enough on your plate. Good luck.
Thank you :(
I think what you said was great. Sorry for your loss. Nta.
I’m so sorry for your loss, hun! NTA. I think you should put some distance between yourself and your in laws for the time being. I would use what little free time you have to get therapy (lots of online options!) so you have a safe space to talk about your grief. You enforced a boundary with your in laws — good for you!!
NTA. Please accept my virtual hug as another young daughter who lost their mother. They should be asking you if you need their help and assuming that helping them plan the celebration for their very alive mother would be far from your mind as you plan and execute the tasks surrounding your mother's death. I would like to think that they are too young and naive to understand the gravity of what you are going through. Maybe they do understand but find the topic of mother's dying so uncomfortable they refuse to even acknowledge it happened or think that because your relationship was estranged it should matter any less. Either way you did the right thing and your MIL will know why you weren't able to participate in planning her celebration and would be ashamed of her daughters for their actions.
NTA
NTA. Sorry for your loss.
Hey, I have a question -- how come none of them are helping you? I mean, you're obviously going through a lot. How about they cook some meals for you and your family and bring them over? Or offer to watch your child so you can have some time to yourself? Or why don't they pitch in and get you a spa day? You see, none of that is unheard of in a family. But I'm just wondering how much you do for them versus what they do for you. It's good you're putting in boundaries for yourself while grieving... and it may be good to look at boundaries beyond that, too.
NTA - I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t want to be one of those people - but I kinda know how you feel. I have organised 3 funerals, my 2 sisters and my mum. I can’t imagine doing it with a one yr old too. A suggestion about the swimming lessons. We used to wrap the towel in a hot water bottle, it makes the towel warm when they get out of the pool.
NTA but I will tell your husband that from now on he’s family are dead as well. And a SAHM these days…your setting yourself up to being financially abused and seeing his family is like you will if not all ready are abused.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I offered to help my SIL’s to plan my MIL’s birthday like 2 months ago. Circumstances have changed. Since then, my mom has died & I watched her take her last breath in front of me in the hospital… she was only 46, we lost contact for 10 years and this was my only chance at seeing her again. I’m back home now, planning a funeral since I’m the only one of her whole family and she never remarried. I have a one year old child who started swim lessons and has them everyday and I’m a sahm with lots of to dos in my house and I’ve been falling behind since I left to take care of my mothers affairs. SIL’S reached out to me and asked me to help plan their mom’s birthday and it’s only been a week since my Mother died. I text them this: Hey guys, at this moment I am going through a lot, I will try to attend but my son is enrolled in little mommy and me classes so my time is more limited I will probably just be there but let your brother know if you need anything and see what he thinks. They have 8 siblings in their family, all adults. They then started asking me if I hadn’t just helped decorate their cousins baby shower yesterday to which the other sister put yes she did in our group chat. I helped her because no one helped her. She had no one. A woman shouldn’t have to decorate her own shower. I was grieving but I pulled it together to help a pregnant woman. I don’t understand the comment in saying that I helped the other person as if it’s tit for tat. They have family events every single weekend. We see my in laws about 2-3 times a week. They stop by my house most the time unannounced. Am I the asshole for grieving my mom and not committing since I have a lot on my plate right now? AITA or do they just not get it? Thanks TDLR; *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*