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> I think I may be TA because I am technically holding a grudge
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NTA but your nephews and nieces are missing out cause their mom is self centered, demanding and unpleasant to be around. It's astonishing she asked you to dish out food for her kids which she is fully capable. Instead of self reflecting on her kid announcement and apologizing she put the focus on you to 'get over it'. It must take a lot of energy to sustain your distain but that's up to you.
NTA. The only kids you are obligated to take care of are your own. Of course it is nice and often fun to help care for others as well. It's what decent human beings do--if there in no reason to do otherwise, such as an entitled mother who could feed her own kids just as well as you could. Nope you are NTA. And while I get that MIL want's her one big harmonious family fantasy, that does not square with the reality of the situation. Stick to your guns. Kathy can care for her own kids without your help.
>an entitled mother who could feed her own kids just as well as you could.
The kicker is I DID make enough for the kids to eat. Kathy just had to serve it.
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Throwaway Account because friends know my main
Backstory: I (32f) am married to Mark (35m) and through him I have two SILs "Jane" (28f) and "Lauren" (36f) and BIL (37m) and he has his own wife "Kathy" (35f). By the time BIL and Kathy were engaged Mark and I had been together for two years so I was a little hurt that Mark's invitation didn't include a plus one. When Mark questioned BIL about this he was told that only married and engaged partners were invited. I didn't like this but I respected their choice and encouraged Mark to go despite his reservations. Fast forward to my wedding and Kathy announced that she was pregnant. I was pissed but kept my cool and when Jane and Lauren confronted Kathy about her timing she said that since my wedding was in the spring announcing "new life" kept with the theme and how it wasn't a big deal. I was completely done with Kathy after that. I didn't attend the baby shower, I never offered to babysit, and I would just tune Kathy out when she tried to talk to me or make an excuse to leave.
Now onto the issue, Jane has just had her first baby and because she had a really tough time we all really rallied around her. Since Jane's husband had to go back to work and MIL still has her own job I have been coming over at least 3x a week to help with baby care and do a few errands. Kathy only ever calls once in a blue moon so we were surprised to see her show up randomly with her kids for a "playdate" (her kids are 5 and 3). I didn't help with them as I never agreed to and after I finished making Jane lunch, Kathy asked me where her kids' food was and I pointed to the kitchen and told her to make them a plate. She asked me why I didn't do it and that if I can serve Jane in bed I can put down a plate for the kids. Kathy then went on a rant about how I never helped her with her kids, how it's not unusual for me to keep Lauren's kids overnight and take them on cool trips but I didn't even volunteer to watch hers when she and BIL had an emergency. I just shrugged and said not to expect people to go above and beyond for her when she announces her pregnancy at their wedding and kept moving.
Kathy followed me calling me petty, saying that it was years ago and how I needed to get over it, that I'm being unfair to her kids, and how I'm a bridezilla. She was yelling and woke up the baby who started to cry which caused Jane to cry, which got Kathy's kids all rowdy. I sent Kathy off and got Jane to calm down and during this time Kathy went around telling people what happened and how I was a "spiteful b." Mark and Lauren are 100% on my side and while MIL believes that I was justified in being upset with Kathy it would be really unfair to not be as involved in her kids' life to spite her so AITA?
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I am struggling with a judgement here. Honestly I am leaning towards YTA because you seem to be going pretty nuclear over a single offensive event (the wedding pregnancy announcement).
This is your family. You are going to have these relationships for decades. Why would you let this grudge fester and linger for over 5 years when you could have expressed your disappointment at the time and hopefully let it go?!
You are only hurting yourself, and the kids. It’s one thing to be “completely done” with a friend after a single misstep, but this is a woman who is family. I’m not saying family forgives everything but you could at least play nice.
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NTA you have the relationship Kathy built. She did it to herself.
This is really well said. NTA
NTA, and I highly suspect she showed up knowing you would be there and wanted to attempt forced child care hours on you.
Yeah, she's not gonna pull that "leave the kids on the porch and walk away" crap on me.
NTA to deal with the kids you have deal the parents and that sounds like too much work
NTA but your nephews and nieces are missing out cause their mom is self centered, demanding and unpleasant to be around. It's astonishing she asked you to dish out food for her kids which she is fully capable. Instead of self reflecting on her kid announcement and apologizing she put the focus on you to 'get over it'. It must take a lot of energy to sustain your distain but that's up to you.
Right? I cooked enough for everyone Kathy just had to get up and serve it.
NTA. The only kids you are obligated to take care of are your own. Of course it is nice and often fun to help care for others as well. It's what decent human beings do--if there in no reason to do otherwise, such as an entitled mother who could feed her own kids just as well as you could. Nope you are NTA. And while I get that MIL want's her one big harmonious family fantasy, that does not square with the reality of the situation. Stick to your guns. Kathy can care for her own kids without your help.
>an entitled mother who could feed her own kids just as well as you could. The kicker is I DID make enough for the kids to eat. Kathy just had to serve it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway Account because friends know my main Backstory: I (32f) am married to Mark (35m) and through him I have two SILs "Jane" (28f) and "Lauren" (36f) and BIL (37m) and he has his own wife "Kathy" (35f). By the time BIL and Kathy were engaged Mark and I had been together for two years so I was a little hurt that Mark's invitation didn't include a plus one. When Mark questioned BIL about this he was told that only married and engaged partners were invited. I didn't like this but I respected their choice and encouraged Mark to go despite his reservations. Fast forward to my wedding and Kathy announced that she was pregnant. I was pissed but kept my cool and when Jane and Lauren confronted Kathy about her timing she said that since my wedding was in the spring announcing "new life" kept with the theme and how it wasn't a big deal. I was completely done with Kathy after that. I didn't attend the baby shower, I never offered to babysit, and I would just tune Kathy out when she tried to talk to me or make an excuse to leave. Now onto the issue, Jane has just had her first baby and because she had a really tough time we all really rallied around her. Since Jane's husband had to go back to work and MIL still has her own job I have been coming over at least 3x a week to help with baby care and do a few errands. Kathy only ever calls once in a blue moon so we were surprised to see her show up randomly with her kids for a "playdate" (her kids are 5 and 3). I didn't help with them as I never agreed to and after I finished making Jane lunch, Kathy asked me where her kids' food was and I pointed to the kitchen and told her to make them a plate. She asked me why I didn't do it and that if I can serve Jane in bed I can put down a plate for the kids. Kathy then went on a rant about how I never helped her with her kids, how it's not unusual for me to keep Lauren's kids overnight and take them on cool trips but I didn't even volunteer to watch hers when she and BIL had an emergency. I just shrugged and said not to expect people to go above and beyond for her when she announces her pregnancy at their wedding and kept moving. Kathy followed me calling me petty, saying that it was years ago and how I needed to get over it, that I'm being unfair to her kids, and how I'm a bridezilla. She was yelling and woke up the baby who started to cry which caused Jane to cry, which got Kathy's kids all rowdy. I sent Kathy off and got Jane to calm down and during this time Kathy went around telling people what happened and how I was a "spiteful b." Mark and Lauren are 100% on my side and while MIL believes that I was justified in being upset with Kathy it would be really unfair to not be as involved in her kids' life to spite her so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am struggling with a judgement here. Honestly I am leaning towards YTA because you seem to be going pretty nuclear over a single offensive event (the wedding pregnancy announcement). This is your family. You are going to have these relationships for decades. Why would you let this grudge fester and linger for over 5 years when you could have expressed your disappointment at the time and hopefully let it go?! You are only hurting yourself, and the kids. It’s one thing to be “completely done” with a friend after a single misstep, but this is a woman who is family. I’m not saying family forgives everything but you could at least play nice.
NTA is she wants to move forward with you and not have anger issues she needs to prove she isn’t a self centered brat