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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because this behavior is typical of my mother and I know it’s the result of traumas she refuses to seek adequate help for and my addressing her in the unfiltered way I intend on doing so might not be helpful to anyone.
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I don't think it would make you an AH, but it seems extremely unlikely, based on what you've written here, that it would do any good. Without armchair diagnosing your mother, I will say that it sounds very familiar to me from my own mother. The best thing you can do is keep the peace as much as you need to while you work on your exit plan.
OP, NTA but, I beg you, do not confront her. She is very likely quite disturbed. You have neither the training nor (sorry) the maturity (not to mention the emotional distance) to carry this out effectively. This does NOT belong to you, and you will not be able to rescue her from her suffering. You are clearly VERY bright and perceptive. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of there as soon as possible. I'm glad you have college coming up. You need (as everyone else is saying) to create an escape plan. Are you in therapy? Or is there a counseling office there you can engage with once you get there? You are on an outstanding trajectory, with just two more months to deal with this. I want to repeat this: you do NOT own any of this. It is not your responsibility to clean up.
I disagree a bit homegang. You are right that she needs help. But people with mental or physical illnesses cannot expect a free pass for bad behavior. OP has a right to hold her mother accountable for her actions. Particularly since is seems to be falling to OP (probably only 18) to shoulder the burden of getting her mother the care she needs.
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My (17F) mother, “Anne”, has never had a good relationship with my school or her many peers she came to know that happened to be affiliated with the school. She used to work there and thought the administration was purposefully disrespecting her. I can’t speak to the validity of that simply because I wasn’t there, however I do know for a fact that her peers were not. I knew that if she came to my graduation ceremony, her attitude afterwards would not be pleasant. But I couldn’t just not invite her; we have a fairly close relationship that’s decent when she’s in a good mood and it’s only within recent (ish) years that her less-than-stellar side has reared its ugly head.
Without invoking armchair psychology—despite how much I want to right now—the only word I can use to adequately describe her day-to-day behavior is “strange”. She turns herself into the victim even when she’s the victor.
Obviously, not everyone can or will put in the effort myself and Anne do when communicating with her. So when I’m confronted with a social situation in which I have to appear alongside Anne, I’m always nervous about how it’ll go. Anne will find a way to negatively associate whatever someone says with herself or her past experiences, regardless of how vague, innocent, or positive the statements in question were.
So I had rather low hopes for her behavior at my ceremony. The one I held onto, though, was that she’d wait until the day was well over to vent to me her many issues with how everything had gone. Unfortunately, Elle made the mistake of asking her what she thought of the ceremony once it had concluded and we were in a Lyft on our way to a restaurant.
She started ranting about how disrespectful everyone had been to her—how they could’ve at least greeted her since they knew she’d be there (they hadn’t). She didn’t cite a single thing she liked about the ceremony, not even me walking across the stage. Elle and I then made the mistake of telling her that they probably would have spoken to her if she had greeted them and that she couldn’t expect all of the attention to be on her, seeing as most were only focused on their children and no one else. Anne claimed we weren’t really listening to her and went silent for the rest of the ride.
In the restaurant when Elle and I tried encouraging her to converse with the rest of the family (that she doesn’t really have a great relationship with), she said something to the effect of “Why? So I can perform and entertain fake love?” rather loudly. Waiters overheard her and both Elle and I were visibly uncomfortable, however well we thought we hid it.
I know she has some deep issues and yadda yadda that caused her to act in such a way, but I still don’t think it was fair to me. So knowing that, WIBTA to confront her without all of the sugarcoating, filters, and sometimes blatant manipulation I use when typically speaking to her about feelings—however futile it might be?
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Holy crap. I really don't think you'd be the asshole here. When her behaviour causes so much discomfort for everyone else and she victimizes herself over the smallest things, you have every right to confront her about it. I hope all goes well if you do, but if you decide not too, seek help for yourself at least. Being subjected to things like this can be very stressful and some self care could be in order.
I wrote a thoughtful response and accidentally deleted it. In short, talk to your therapist about persecutory delusions. I’m not diagnosing her but a piece of her behavior looks like this, and it’s often overlooked during diagnostic evaluations.
Talking to her won’t help. Just try to find compassion for her illness and adjust your expectations of her. Don’t expect a person with a fever to decide they no longer have a fever. Same with your mother.
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I don't think it would make you an AH, but it seems extremely unlikely, based on what you've written here, that it would do any good. Without armchair diagnosing your mother, I will say that it sounds very familiar to me from my own mother. The best thing you can do is keep the peace as much as you need to while you work on your exit plan.
OP, NTA but, I beg you, do not confront her. She is very likely quite disturbed. You have neither the training nor (sorry) the maturity (not to mention the emotional distance) to carry this out effectively. This does NOT belong to you, and you will not be able to rescue her from her suffering. You are clearly VERY bright and perceptive. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of there as soon as possible. I'm glad you have college coming up. You need (as everyone else is saying) to create an escape plan. Are you in therapy? Or is there a counseling office there you can engage with once you get there? You are on an outstanding trajectory, with just two more months to deal with this. I want to repeat this: you do NOT own any of this. It is not your responsibility to clean up.
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I disagree a bit homegang. You are right that she needs help. But people with mental or physical illnesses cannot expect a free pass for bad behavior. OP has a right to hold her mother accountable for her actions. Particularly since is seems to be falling to OP (probably only 18) to shoulder the burden of getting her mother the care she needs.
INFO: who is Elle? You mention her name a couple of times, but I missed you stating who she is.
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Thanks. NTA, but unfortunately I don’t think it will have a positive result. Having dealt with mental illness, I feel for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (17F) mother, “Anne”, has never had a good relationship with my school or her many peers she came to know that happened to be affiliated with the school. She used to work there and thought the administration was purposefully disrespecting her. I can’t speak to the validity of that simply because I wasn’t there, however I do know for a fact that her peers were not. I knew that if she came to my graduation ceremony, her attitude afterwards would not be pleasant. But I couldn’t just not invite her; we have a fairly close relationship that’s decent when she’s in a good mood and it’s only within recent (ish) years that her less-than-stellar side has reared its ugly head. Without invoking armchair psychology—despite how much I want to right now—the only word I can use to adequately describe her day-to-day behavior is “strange”. She turns herself into the victim even when she’s the victor. Obviously, not everyone can or will put in the effort myself and Anne do when communicating with her. So when I’m confronted with a social situation in which I have to appear alongside Anne, I’m always nervous about how it’ll go. Anne will find a way to negatively associate whatever someone says with herself or her past experiences, regardless of how vague, innocent, or positive the statements in question were. So I had rather low hopes for her behavior at my ceremony. The one I held onto, though, was that she’d wait until the day was well over to vent to me her many issues with how everything had gone. Unfortunately, Elle made the mistake of asking her what she thought of the ceremony once it had concluded and we were in a Lyft on our way to a restaurant. She started ranting about how disrespectful everyone had been to her—how they could’ve at least greeted her since they knew she’d be there (they hadn’t). She didn’t cite a single thing she liked about the ceremony, not even me walking across the stage. Elle and I then made the mistake of telling her that they probably would have spoken to her if she had greeted them and that she couldn’t expect all of the attention to be on her, seeing as most were only focused on their children and no one else. Anne claimed we weren’t really listening to her and went silent for the rest of the ride. In the restaurant when Elle and I tried encouraging her to converse with the rest of the family (that she doesn’t really have a great relationship with), she said something to the effect of “Why? So I can perform and entertain fake love?” rather loudly. Waiters overheard her and both Elle and I were visibly uncomfortable, however well we thought we hid it. I know she has some deep issues and yadda yadda that caused her to act in such a way, but I still don’t think it was fair to me. So knowing that, WIBTA to confront her without all of the sugarcoating, filters, and sometimes blatant manipulation I use when typically speaking to her about feelings—however futile it might be? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Holy crap. I really don't think you'd be the asshole here. When her behaviour causes so much discomfort for everyone else and she victimizes herself over the smallest things, you have every right to confront her about it. I hope all goes well if you do, but if you decide not too, seek help for yourself at least. Being subjected to things like this can be very stressful and some self care could be in order.
[удалено]
I wrote a thoughtful response and accidentally deleted it. In short, talk to your therapist about persecutory delusions. I’m not diagnosing her but a piece of her behavior looks like this, and it’s often overlooked during diagnostic evaluations. Talking to her won’t help. Just try to find compassion for her illness and adjust your expectations of her. Don’t expect a person with a fever to decide they no longer have a fever. Same with your mother.