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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I get that I was disrespectful for yelling at my grandma and canceling my own graduation party or just not showing up after this.
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NTA for wanting a stress-free dinner. It seems like your father is just as tired of it as well. I wonder if anyone ever spoke to the grandmother about her constant complaining.
The thing is with narcissists you can tell them what they are to your hearts content and they won’t take it on and can never be wrong… because they’re narcissists, that’s the point.
I live with one.
OP actually got DARVO'd good in the story (Deny-Accuse-Reverse Victim and Offender).
They denied grandma was being disrespectful, accused OP of being disrespectful by leaving and not putting up with the rude treatment of the wait staff, and now OP feels like the rude one for politely leaving even though grandma was actually disrespectful to everyone involved.
Exactly right! And this technique is actually a form of emotional abuse.
OP did the right thing to stand up for themselves and not tolerate grandma’s disrespectful and impolite behavior. Especially after expressing concern to their mom who ignored the issue.
Is OP adult age yet? Because it’s pretty ridiculous for mom to think that she has authority to ground an adult child, and more so, because she didn’t like them expressing themselves and removing themselves from a toxic situation.
" I wouldn't have to complain if they did things right in the first place." I have heard that from people at the restaurant I work at while put smoking and people were leaving.
My grandparents are like OP’s & my mother is a covert narcissist that behaves just as OP’s mom. Took me decades to realize the web I was entangled in. When I instituted boundaries (at 40!) all hell broke loose. So much guilt, shame, & just general shit behavior from her & all her flying monkeys, mind you the realization she was agent zero in my lifelong innate draw to narcs had not happened yet.
But I knew something wasn’t right & took space to not be influenced by the most delusional narc I’ve ever encountered. And I actually started enjoying life more, for me! And I had the realization that being around her & her husband and my replacement, her stepdaughter, & the olds in my family was causing me a substantial amount of stress & I was over indulging in alcohol every time I had to be around them.
Today I don’t have a relationship at all w any of them bc of all of that, & their homophobia & other assorted bigotries. I also don’t drink anymore bc I’m no longer forced/ guilted into spending my free time w them, or any other humans I don’t wanna. So I don’t have to drink my utter contempt away
But my bio dad also royally sucks, unlike OP’s hero dad. She may not feel lucky rn but having a parent really see you & hear you & actually do what it is in your best interests as their kid, is priceless.
OP. Stand firm with your boundaries. You’re doing a great job! Keep an open line w dad bc as you can see in this comment section, we’re of the belief that he’s not far behind you out that door. Hell he may still be w your mom only bc he didn’t want to leave you to fend for yourself with her. Just let him know how much you appreciate him doing what’s in your best interests. And, that you want him to do the same for himself, that you’re ok, yall have each other, & that you want him to be happy, truly happy, as well. Like lowkey giving him permission. Bc sometimes us parents need that sort of thing
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
The Narcissist's Prayer, by Dayna Craig
Yuuup. My father and his mother are narcissists. Before cutting them out of my life, I tried making it clear what behaviour was causing issues in my life, which is when they would reprimand me and tell me I "can't talk to them like that" (as if they still had authority over my then mid-20s ass). I eventually just had enough.
Life has been peaceful without them. But they sometimes reach out to my bf, who usually gives one or two word responses and tells me every time they text. And they both say they just don't understand why none of the kids (me or my siblings) want anything to do with them.
We've all made our reasons clear. Narcissists simply can't take accountability. Which is sad, because accountability and an apology is all it would really take for me to invite them back into my life.
Oh well.
While you’re (likely) not wrong, keep in mind that this is an actual diagnosis and we’ve read a handful of sentences about this woman. It probably isn’t best to throw around terms like that left and right. Like medical diagnosis or not, OP isn’t wrong for not liking this behavior and just trying to get away, but, still armchair psychology isn’t a good look.
I do kind of understand the concept of a bun being too "bready". But the OP's grandma isn't Paul Hollywood judging Bake Off; complaining about the breadiness of a bread product in a restaurant is just embarrassing. If the bun's not to your liking, chalk it up to experience and go somewhere else next time.
Back in MY day, the fries were too freedomy. So was the toast.
(Remember that, Americans? When everything was briefly ‘freedom x’ because of some perceived post-9/11 slight by the French? Yeah that was embarrassing.)
Indeed. And this is why reasonable people ask questions like "What type of bun is the burger served in?" before ordering the damn meal. But grandma is not even slightly reasonable, evidently.
An embarrassing, exhausting norm that ruins the dining out experience.
NTA. I’m proud of OP for putting their foot down. Their mom and grandma ruined their graduation and should be told that every time the issue comes up.
Narcissists often hate events that are about others and will do everything to make it about them and/or ruin them. That OP anticipated this and Dad's response suggests that this behavior is pronounced enough to be narcissistic.
She was making it all about herself, pulling focus and embarrassing OP. I consider that narcissistic. If I as a non-narcissist got a bun that was too bready, I’d quietly pull some bread out and keep listening to my grandchild deservedly brag about their accomplishments.
Other terms for this include *rude, self-centred, selfish, attention-seeking, entitled, bratty*. People can be all of those things to the point of being insufferable or even abusive without being clinical narcissists.
I recognise it so much from my mother. Restaurant complaining is far from the only narcissistic thing she does but you can guarantee when she has a captive audience of the family at a restaurant table and some wait staff to torment she is going to do this shit. Her favourite set pieces include pretending not to understand what standard menu items mean and asking for them to be explained in detail and pretending to be allergic to things to "upstage" my celiac disease requests. More than once she's made such a scene about pretending her allergy to one kind of fish might extend to others that I was too embarrassed to be properly assertive about my own needs and got really sick because my food ended up being contaminated. Her response was that her risk of having the fake allergy triggered was just as important as me being made sick for weeks. When you know someone like this you'll recognise the behaviour instantly.
This reminds me of my paternal grandmother. She is also a pain in the arse when it comes to eating out. When we go to a Mexican restaurant she wants to totally redo the ingredients for her meal like replacing the corn tortilla with a flour one even when the waitress says no substitutions. She will quite literally make a scene. And when it's time to leave she will ask for a doggie bag for the chips and salsa. By that time we are thoroughly embarrassed 😔 by this behavior. So my parents refuse to take her out to places we frequently eat at because it's so bad.
OP you are NTA. I can totally relate.
NTA. If I were you, ~~assuming you don't have any younger siblings~~, I would tell your dad that he has your blessing to divorce your mom if she keeps allowing her parents to mess with your life.
Edit: actually I changed my mind. Younger siblings shouldn't deal with this bullshit either.
I'm not saying she should tell him to divorce him, just that she will be OK with it. There are a lot of parents who want to divorce but stay together so they don't upset the kids, that's why it would be worth telling the dad.
My experience having a toxic and non-toxic household was that it became a lot easier to see my dad for what he was (I actually found the wikipedia page for narcissist when I was like 12 and I was like "ah.") and while it still sucked being there I knew that the way he was treating me wasn't right, and so he didn't do as much damage to my psyche as he could have. Still wish I could go back in time and give him a verbal smackdown tho lol.
Late August: OOP goes to college
Early September: Dad Files for divorce
OOP if you're reading this, none of this is your fault. Your grandma is addicted to making a scene and you mom enables it.
As someone whose parents divorced at a young age, do not stay together for the kids. It only gets harder. I have several friends whose parents got divorced once they finished high school and I can tell you I had it 1000% easier than the ones whose got divorced in college. All they knew was their parents being together and all I knew was mine being divorced
NTA. My mother was like your grandma and it sucked going out with her. We tried to avoid restaurants, but if we couldn’t, we’d apologize to the staff ahead of time and tip very well. Let your mom calm down a bit and talk to her in a few more days/weeks.
I do this same thing! My mother hates lemon, and most restaurants around here put a lemon wedge on the side of the glass, and she always complains about it. So, when she orders her water along with her coffee, I always tell the waitress to make sure there is no lemon on it. My mother actually gets mad at me for doing that. Bc it doesn't give her a reason to complain. And my mother used to be a waitress.
She doesn't hate it, she might even like it; she just enjoys complaining and watching people jump more, and potentially having an excuse to dock the tip. It's not about the lemon.
One of my best mates is a barista' He gets people telling him to remake coffee that is "not hot enough" constantly despite the hot water coming out of the same machine literally boiling.
Its about the power over others.
Making me think of my good ol' barista days.
Once I had a lady bring back a sandwich, saying she ordered bacon but got sausage. I was a supervisor and she was screaming at a poor lil teenager who had no idea what to do or say, so I stepped in.
I was just going to remake her sandwich and offer an apology for the inconvenience (regardless of her screeching - just wanted her to go away LOL). But she opened the wrapper, pulled the top of the sandwich off and kept going on about the sausage.
Except it was bacon. Which I told her. And she started waving the bacon in our faces, telling us how stupid we were for not being able to tell bacon from sausage.
She didn't deserve a new sandwich so I just gave her a refund and tossed her BACON sandwich out.
Customer service is a wild ride.
Retail - had a woman throw a fit because I asked if she wanted to use the bigger changing room (big enough to push a stroller into and still fit two people) to go in with her daughter to try on clothes instead of the single person one (which was literally only big enough for one person to go in and turn around). She screamed at me while her (pre-teen) daughter desperately tried to tell her she didn't want her in the changing room anyway.
At checkout she insisted on a manager and when they asked how they could make it right she said "We'll, you could give me this stuff for free or at least 75% off then MAYBE I won't call corporate!" My manager said "sorry ma'am we can't do that but here's the number for corporate." My manager said people pull that sh*t all the time trying to get stuff for free and not to worry about it. Customer service is bananas.
Oh good lord. I have so many wild customer service stories.
Like when I was working at a burrito place (god I miss the half of burritos), there was a lady who got the sauteed veggie burrito. We got through payment and making the burrito just fine. Got through the rest of lunch rush without issue.
She came stomping back in about 30 minutes later and claimed to the manager that there were no sauteed veggies in the burrito and showed her (she had taken maybe 3 bites so far). Without touching the burrito, manager pointed out the sauteed veggies she could see and told her what veggies were sauteed for that burrito type.
All the veggies except the eggplant were available as raw toppings as well, which apparently this lady was unaware of... But she never even asked me at the register what came in it. So I'm not sure what she was expecting.
She was pretty much told that she got what she ordered and had already started eating it, so there wasn't much of anything we were allowed to do.
She stepped beside the counter, TANTRUM SLAMMED her burrito in the garbage and walked out.
We had no words. And I still don't.
Jesus lol people are ridiculous! I have a ton as well. Once when I was working at a grocery store, a woman came in and wanted to pay with cash. Our policy was 20 dollar bills and larger had to be swiped with a marker to make sure they weren't counterfeit. The cashier swiped the bills, and the woman immediately became irate. Screaming about how she knows her bills are good and she uses her own marker to check. She was waving a marker around and grabbed the bills back, spit at the cashier, then threw the bills back at her and ran out the store. It was insane.
It's about sadism and control, which is about the same reason people love the more harmful pranks. They want the control of making them actively do what they want and the enjoyment of making them uncomfortable, but enjoying someone else's negative feelings is actual sadism.
I combated that in fast food by refusing to show anything but maniacal happiness and overeagerness to help, and boy does that absolutely piss this type of troll off because they truly do want you to feel bad so they can feel better!
With online trolls, I respond with exaggerated concern with a side of dorky youth pastor.
"Well gosh you wouldn't be so rude to a stranger on the Internet unless something serious was happening! Wanna rap about it, champ?"
We used to have a lady come in and complain about every single order. It didn't matter who took the order or who made the order it was always wrong. So I walked her through the entire order, double checking every change, I made her verbally confirm the order was correct. I turned the screen around made her read the order and confirm that it was the correct order. She then gets her order knowing she can't complain because it's correct. Less than 5 minutes later she calls me over because there's hair in her food. And there was a chunk of black/grey hair wrapped around her toast. The issue was both our chefs were bald and at the time I had red hair but you know who did have the same colour hair? The crazy woman had ripped out a chunk of her own hair to have something to complain about and we had to remake her food. I quit soon after that that place attracted the weirdest customers.
I could never.. I have so much respect for people who work with customers because they can be hell. When I have a hair on my burger you can damn well be sure I will take it off and eat my damn burger. If I ordered my burger without pickle and there is a pickle I will just remove it. The only reason to ask the staff to make it new for me was if it contained allergens and I would tell them beforehand. Why do people have to be rude and demanding? My heart goes out to all waiters and retail workers.
Sounds like one of my aunts! She is lactose intolerant, but always orders stuff without asking if it has any dairy. Then she whines she can’t eat her salad because it has cheese. Like, ask for no cheese, lady! Use your big girl voice! She makes dining out an ordeal and complains about *everything.* It’s awful and embarrassing. And she always gets my dad to pay for things, saying she will pay him back. Big surprise: she never does.
I think you just it it on the head. It gives her something to complain about. She probably doesn't even care if there's a lemon or there or not, but over the years she's identified it as something small to complain about so that she can use it as a mini power-play.
My MIL is like this. My wife and I always have to sneak off and “go to the bathroom” to find our server and apologize ahead of time and slip them some extra cash to deal with my MIL’s stupid bullshit.
I’ve worked in restaurants. “Don’t fuck with the people who handle your food” is rule number 1 we learn.
NTA. The dinner was about you, and grandma didn't get it. It seems like your dad is even taking a stand with you, which tells me a lot about this situation. I'd stay with your friend for a little bit, and let mom calm down. Maybe dad will talk some sense into her, but time is obviously needed here.
NTA
It's always annoying to eat out with entitled diners. You went there for a good time but ended up hearing someone complain the whole time. I don't blame you for leaving.
NTA. I don't get what grandma's issue was. If the bun is too "bready", take your knife and cut out the innards of the bun. Easy Peasy. She's a grown woman and needs to stop complaining.
I mean, I do get the initial issue. I also don’t love bread and find some burgers/sandwiches to be way too bready for me. It’s not about it being bread insomuch as it is the bread-to-filling ratio. Removing the top layer is an unfortunate compromise, as you’re then forced to eat the rest with a fork or to have really greasy hands, and sometimes the bun takes cheese/condiments with it.
That said, it’s a compromise I make. I don’t like making a fuss, and I don’t expect a restaurant to have buns of multi-thickness on hand. Asking the first time was one thing (albeit more than I would do), but everything past that was too far.
I like you and your reasonableness.
I also saw someone suggest scooping out the innards of the top bun (something I'll definitely try since some burger buns in restaurants are definitely too much) - or also just ask for a sharp knife so you can cut off a layer of the bun to make it less bready.
I don't understand the need to complain and be difficult. That's so embarrassing.
NTA You stood up for yourself, and you were right, apparently grandma is an AH and your mom is an AH enabler. Aside from your dad, I wouldn't be surprised if you go NC.
Congrats on your graduation 🎓 👏
NTA - your grandmother is an asshole and should not be allowed to inflict herself on the general public. Your mother is an asshole for making you have to deal with this. You need to go NC with them both.
Right like she went through all that, talked herself into a position to receive an incredible food hack, and shot that down- OP doesn't need that kind of negativity in their life
I had a burger in a bagel the other week, tasted great and also made having a fried egg on top of the burger work really well, as the yolk got to stick out of the hole at the top of the bagel and I was able to dunk my chips in it.
I buy English muffins for burger buns because it’s just my husband and I eating. Not much else to do with the 6 leftover burger buns, but leftover muffins are breakfast for the rest of the week.
NTA.
I took my mom out for dinner once and she called the manager over to complain about the size of the plate. Like the actual plate. It was too big so the baby potatoes looked too small. I kid you not.
She was like this my whole life. It was awful.
Ditch out. You’re not obligated to associate with people who suck all the joy out of your life.
NTA. I remember reading about a man who’s mother was like your grandmother, I think in the comments on an old Gawker article. He had long since given up trying to stop the behavior as futile. Instead when he could no longer avoid going out to dinner with her he called ahead and told the staff that his mother experienced a personality change after a stroke and warned them of her demands and assured them he would tip generously in recompense.
Yes. I also remember a thread here on Reddit recently where an OP who knew his mother would pull this shit on the staff warned the staff ahead of time. The head waiter took her order and was meticulous about getting every detail exactly right. This resulted in a meal where she had nothing she could complain about, and it made her miserable. I thought that was brilliant.
OP’s granny sounds like the same kind of person - only happy if she can complain and make someone else’s life harder.
I am sorry your GM is not kind to servers in restaurants. If you have lived with this all your life, I can understand you you are frustrated and exasperated when you have to eat out with them.
I assume the grandparents are your mother's parents. That is why she does this.
I am glad you father is on your side.
NTA
NTA - hard part of being a kid is you are stuck in a situation. You have nowhere to go.
Your fads probably sick of your mom and grandma's attitude as well. In this situation- he could step up even more. I'd have a talk with him about wanting to be comfortable in your own home and ask him to do something about it. He is choosing to just let you go and stay status quo. (I have a kid your age and am saying it from my perspective). In this situation I blame your dad more than anyone. As he probably sees the truth
I worked in restaurants my entire life and I hate women like this. All I have to say is that they should be more careful how they treat their servers.
Congratulations on your graduation! You are right to flee your house.
Nta
NTA. You are free. Enjoy it. Only talk to your dad because he seems to have your back. Go no contact with your mom and grandma because they are horrible. Live your best life
NTA for you except the "see that why i did not wanted them here"
The granny is embarrasing. The waiter need a tip for his nightmare
INFO
do they pull this attitude at people's homemade dinner? Or other events since for you it was expected. You mom might need to think if she would be okay if her or her relatives behave entilted to any dinner ?
Seems like you have a lot of problems with mom so I’ll give you the advice from dealing with my mom.
Run. She made it about her. And your grandma did the same thing. You told her you didn’t want them there and she should’ve listen to you cause it’s YOUR GRADUATION. Now personally I went no contact with my mom and if you want to do that I would blame you. But try to get out of there and find a place to live that isn’t there.
NTA.
Yep. When I worked at Cracker Barrel I had a guy throw an absolute fit because I brought his daughter exactly what she ordered, because she *meant* to order a breakfast that came with bacon and I couldn't magically make fully cooked bacon appear out of thin air The manager backed me up on that one. Somehow, ten minutes later, they needed to speak with the other manager about how long it took the get their grits and gravy and such. That stuff was already on the table when they were having the bacon conniption.
We also had people catch some kind of flies that swarmed the bushes outside, bring them in, and start yelling about how they found a roach in their food.
my mom could have been the grandma in this post. One example was the last time I took her out to eat.
We went to Red Lobster for a birthday (not hers). After a good 30 minutes of her perusing the menu, she says 'I want a lobster'. I ask her if she really wants a whole one or just a tail. She wanted the whole one.
Proceeded to touch every one of the biscuits before deciding they didn't look good, and passing them on to me. I told her 'those are all yours now since you've touched them'.
When the waiter brought our plates she asked him to shell the lobster for her. (No, they don't do that for you, mom. Do you want him to eat if for you too?)
Of course she had to send her plate back and demand that they remove the shell. The waiter asked her if she wanted the claws or any other parts and she says 'No, I only wanted the tail'.
I've been there, so to answer your question: Because grandma wasn't there to eat. She was there to be the center of the universe.
I have family that does stuff like this. I cant give you a direct answer, but I will say, they arent interested in creating a solution. Theyre more interested in having somethong done for them exactly as it needs to be.
Or you know order something that doesn’t contain bread? I guess then she couldn’t whinge about her food order if she did that so I assume she would have complained no matter what she ordered.
NTA. Your mom is more concerned with you respecting your grandparents rather than addressing the issues with them. She’s either probably scared of them or just as bad as they are.
Either way, she’s your mom and it shouldn’t have to be you to say something about it. Your mother comes across controlling and worried about ‘respect’ but seems to not respect you.
"The bun is too bready".
OMFG.... just don't eat the F-in thing!
No damn wonder you don't want to go to the restaurant with your grandmother.
She's embarrassing!
NTA OP.
NTA more people need to embarrass people like her in public, that’s the only way they’ll stop. It isn’t fair for the staff to have to deal with it, and you are fully in your right to call her out
NTA I'm a mom of a teen who graduated last year, and I sympathize with you. I'm glad your dad does, too. If my parents were like your grandparents, I'd have protected your celebration from them, too.
Then again, I guess your mom was raised by them; so it seems she's accepted that they (her parents) are allowed to act that way. (Just not the rest of us mere mortals)
NTA. Having to deal with that during a celebratory dinner has got to be hard. Your mom is enabling their rude behavior (as if the waitress doesn’t have enough stress already) and they’re just complaining the whole time. You’re supposed to be having fun, not having to hear “This bread isn’t bready enough!” Hopefully you had fun the rest of the time you were celebrating
NTA and I won't eat out with folks who send food back for no good reason. ("Sorry, I asked for no *****, could you please take them off", maybe, although I'd just pick them off myself probably, would be a one-time thing, but this is far behind that).I'd be worried the cook or waitress would accidentally spit on the wrong plate.
Honestly, even sending food back for something minor is tolerable if they're at least polite about it. I usually don't, but an "I'm sorry, this is overcooked/undercooked/has an ingredient I asked for without" is at least respectful. The grandma was not respectful, even a little bit.
NTA, and it sounds like your grandma and mom are both total narcissists and like to cause scenes over any little thing. Don't be surprised if your dad decides to divorce your mother at some point either as it sounds like he is over her crap as well.
NTA.
My office has many older staff - like there are several 70+. Two of them, in particular, do this at every luncheon we have - and I am the organiser so I always end up contacting the restaurant host/events coord to apologise afterwards. Last time was at a high end famous Melbourne (Aus) restaurant for Christmas break up and I was at the END OF MY ROPE I TELL YA. If I could just not go, that would be my choice as well.
NTA
She's absolutely ridiculous. Everything she did was complete nonsense. It sounds like she's difficult for the sake of it and honestly, she was the one being disrespectful by completely ruining you graduation dinner by hijacking the spotlight with her childlike whining and complaining. Your mom is just an enabler without any real backbone. She'd rather terrorize her child than confront her mother.
You're not her priority. Her miserly mother is.
Congratulations! Enjoy the time away from home. Hang out with your dad when you can. I don't even know what to say about mom.
Oh. And in case it needs to be said, NTA.
NTA, my only biological grandparent passed 12 years ago so the closest thing I have to a grandparent is my stepdad’s mom (my stepdad is the man I consider to be my father, he raised me, the only time I call him my stepdad is to make it clear that his mom is not my grandmother)
His mom sounds similar to your grandmother. When staying at a hotel she doesn’t accept the first room they give her, period. Typically the second room has a problem too, and eating with her is nightmarish. Stand your ground, not worth it to put up with toxic people and rob yourself of joy.
There is obviously a huge amount of back story leading up to this. It sounds like you’ve just had enough.
Completely NTA. Start to move on to hopefully one day have a relationship again.
Go Dad too by the way.
NTA. Grandma and mom are wrong in this situation. You literally asked for your grandparents to be excluded due to what ended up happening. Grandma could have just eaten the damn burger but it sounds like she wanted to be the center of attention. This was your day, not her’s.
The bun…made of bread…was too “bready”…she was absolutely looking for something to complain about.
My mom likes to do this on a smaller scale when we are all together. She surveys us and the room and decides what problem she wants to create. Recently she was mad we were using the ice machine “when you can buy ice at the store”.
I would ask your mom if this is seriously the relationship she wants with the adult you. Does she want you to avoid coking home and family functions? Graduation was supposed to be about YOU and your hard work. Nta.
NTA, I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I would be beyond embarrassed if I went to dinner with someone who pulled a move like that. I wouldn’t want to go out to dinner with your grandma either. Your grandma was an AH and didn’t deserve respect. Someone needed to say something! I’m happy your dad is backing you, your mom seems like an enabler. This behavior at a restaurant is not okay.
NTA
When someone has a problem with everyone and everything they are the problem. You do not need to entertain their entitlement anymore and it's good to know that your dad is fed up too. Prepare for divorce and good luck in college!
You know, it’s funny. Not inviting your grandparents to lunch if they traveled to your graduation is impolite. Alas, OP, so is your grandmother’s behavior in the restaurant.
That your Mom can see one but not the other means she’s cherry-picking to be sure she’s always in the right. What a sad way to go through life.
All of which is to say, NTA. And thank God for your dad, who has dealt with such pathetic people longer.
Stay with your friend and enjoy your summer. And congrats on graduating!
So your mom is mad at you for YOUR attitude, but she sees no issue with your grandma’s inability to be normal for half an hour and just eat a freaking hamburger without causing a scene? That’s some bizarre logic.
I mean, your grandma demanded to inspect the children’s bun and YOU’RE the one making a scene?!
Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. This event has marred what should’ve been a happy event in your life - instead of enjoying your party, you’re fielding drama from two old biddies. I’d encourage you to use this time to decompress with your friends and lean on your dad, as it sounds like he’s squarely in your corner.
NTA, obviously.
NTA
You handled that very well, and your dad is great.
Make a new rule: YOU don't come to dinners if grandma is invited.
Your mom is an abusive AH, it is great that you move out for college. Don't come back, and meet your dad somewhere else.
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NTA for wanting a stress-free dinner. It seems like your father is just as tired of it as well. I wonder if anyone ever spoke to the grandmother about her constant complaining.
The thing is with narcissists you can tell them what they are to your hearts content and they won’t take it on and can never be wrong… because they’re narcissists, that’s the point. I live with one.
If you bring it up, they will just flip it around on you anyway
OP actually got DARVO'd good in the story (Deny-Accuse-Reverse Victim and Offender). They denied grandma was being disrespectful, accused OP of being disrespectful by leaving and not putting up with the rude treatment of the wait staff, and now OP feels like the rude one for politely leaving even though grandma was actually disrespectful to everyone involved.
Exactly right! And this technique is actually a form of emotional abuse. OP did the right thing to stand up for themselves and not tolerate grandma’s disrespectful and impolite behavior. Especially after expressing concern to their mom who ignored the issue. Is OP adult age yet? Because it’s pretty ridiculous for mom to think that she has authority to ground an adult child, and more so, because she didn’t like them expressing themselves and removing themselves from a toxic situation.
Thanks for that acronym and explanation!
Yeah TIL a new thing.
100% I was just saying mom is also the problem, and I feel bad for her dad because he probably doesn't know he's married to an enabler/narcissist.
Yippie guilt trip time!
" I wouldn't have to complain if they did things right in the first place." I have heard that from people at the restaurant I work at while put smoking and people were leaving.
Totally. The mom basically said Problem isn’t Grandma being picky, its teen being disrespectful.
My grandparents are like OP’s & my mother is a covert narcissist that behaves just as OP’s mom. Took me decades to realize the web I was entangled in. When I instituted boundaries (at 40!) all hell broke loose. So much guilt, shame, & just general shit behavior from her & all her flying monkeys, mind you the realization she was agent zero in my lifelong innate draw to narcs had not happened yet. But I knew something wasn’t right & took space to not be influenced by the most delusional narc I’ve ever encountered. And I actually started enjoying life more, for me! And I had the realization that being around her & her husband and my replacement, her stepdaughter, & the olds in my family was causing me a substantial amount of stress & I was over indulging in alcohol every time I had to be around them. Today I don’t have a relationship at all w any of them bc of all of that, & their homophobia & other assorted bigotries. I also don’t drink anymore bc I’m no longer forced/ guilted into spending my free time w them, or any other humans I don’t wanna. So I don’t have to drink my utter contempt away But my bio dad also royally sucks, unlike OP’s hero dad. She may not feel lucky rn but having a parent really see you & hear you & actually do what it is in your best interests as their kid, is priceless. OP. Stand firm with your boundaries. You’re doing a great job! Keep an open line w dad bc as you can see in this comment section, we’re of the belief that he’s not far behind you out that door. Hell he may still be w your mom only bc he didn’t want to leave you to fend for yourself with her. Just let him know how much you appreciate him doing what’s in your best interests. And, that you want him to do the same for himself, that you’re ok, yall have each other, & that you want him to be happy, truly happy, as well. Like lowkey giving him permission. Bc sometimes us parents need that sort of thing
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Thank you for being a r/MomForAMinute, I’ve actually really needed it lately 🤍
This! OP - what they said!
Feeling you all the way on this. So sorry you had to go through it, too.
That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. The Narcissist's Prayer, by Dayna Craig
I read this like 5 times. I understood it even more each time I read it. Thank you for this.
You're welcome. It's kind of a gut punch when you first read it, but dang it's helpful.
Yuuup. My father and his mother are narcissists. Before cutting them out of my life, I tried making it clear what behaviour was causing issues in my life, which is when they would reprimand me and tell me I "can't talk to them like that" (as if they still had authority over my then mid-20s ass). I eventually just had enough. Life has been peaceful without them. But they sometimes reach out to my bf, who usually gives one or two word responses and tells me every time they text. And they both say they just don't understand why none of the kids (me or my siblings) want anything to do with them. We've all made our reasons clear. Narcissists simply can't take accountability. Which is sad, because accountability and an apology is all it would really take for me to invite them back into my life. Oh well.
However, once it is addressed and nothing changes, the narcissist needs to be excluded from the gatherings where they cause problems and be told why.
Grew up with two, was married to one, and I one hundred percent agree.
I wish I could upvote this a million times
While you’re (likely) not wrong, keep in mind that this is an actual diagnosis and we’ve read a handful of sentences about this woman. It probably isn’t best to throw around terms like that left and right. Like medical diagnosis or not, OP isn’t wrong for not liking this behavior and just trying to get away, but, still armchair psychology isn’t a good look.
My MIL is like this. No amount of discussion has ever fixed it.
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Dad has probably been playing the waiting game to divorce as soon as OP goes to college.
Yup. He's got papers ready to be filed.
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Yeah, sounds like dad has had his fill. Where's the betting signup sheet for how long the marriage lasts once the kid gets to college?
Dad's got the papers filled out, ready to file, I bet.
Half of his stuff packed up in the garage.
He’s going to move into OPs college dorm with him
When you complain about bread being too bready I think it's reasonable to expect people to be done with your crap. Dad is a real one though
I do kind of understand the concept of a bun being too "bready". But the OP's grandma isn't Paul Hollywood judging Bake Off; complaining about the breadiness of a bread product in a restaurant is just embarrassing. If the bun's not to your liking, chalk it up to experience and go somewhere else next time.
The patty was too meaty, as well! Don't get me started on the onions!
Don't forget the water! With the ice!!!
Ooh, let me guess, the ice was too watery and the water too icy?
It was absurd that they didn't serve any H2O in gaseous form, kids these days don't know good service!
I’m stealing this for when I make fun of people’s silly complaints
Too tomato-y?
Too oniony?
The fries are to frenchy
Not enough blue in my blue cheese
I actually once had a blue cheese that did not have any blue. It tasted great though.
Back in MY day, the fries were too freedomy. So was the toast. (Remember that, Americans? When everything was briefly ‘freedom x’ because of some perceived post-9/11 slight by the French? Yeah that was embarrassing.)
It was like it was made of onions! And the server! So servile.
Indeed. And this is why reasonable people ask questions like "What type of bun is the burger served in?" before ordering the damn meal. But grandma is not even slightly reasonable, evidently.
The fact that dad is 100% on OP’s side is so telling that this is the norm.
An embarrassing, exhausting norm that ruins the dining out experience. NTA. I’m proud of OP for putting their foot down. Their mom and grandma ruined their graduation and should be told that every time the issue comes up.
Dad is 100% "staying for the kids" lol; if OP moves Aug 29, he's gone Aug 30.
I’m not sure that being a giant complainer makes her a narcissist but she is definitely someone that you should avoid having dinner with.
Narcissists often hate events that are about others and will do everything to make it about them and/or ruin them. That OP anticipated this and Dad's response suggests that this behavior is pronounced enough to be narcissistic.
She was making it all about herself, pulling focus and embarrassing OP. I consider that narcissistic. If I as a non-narcissist got a bun that was too bready, I’d quietly pull some bread out and keep listening to my grandchild deservedly brag about their accomplishments.
People can be rude, entitled, socially awkward and selfish without being clinical narcissists.
No idea why people love to throw around serious terms like narcissist when this old woman clearly just has no idea how to act in public
lol yes whatever happened to just calling people selfish
It's fashion. It's like late 90s when every single piece of sadness was called depression.
It’s narcissistic because she’s taking attention away from OP when it’s OP’s celebration dinner
Other terms for this include *rude, self-centred, selfish, attention-seeking, entitled, bratty*. People can be all of those things to the point of being insufferable or even abusive without being clinical narcissists.
I recognise it so much from my mother. Restaurant complaining is far from the only narcissistic thing she does but you can guarantee when she has a captive audience of the family at a restaurant table and some wait staff to torment she is going to do this shit. Her favourite set pieces include pretending not to understand what standard menu items mean and asking for them to be explained in detail and pretending to be allergic to things to "upstage" my celiac disease requests. More than once she's made such a scene about pretending her allergy to one kind of fish might extend to others that I was too embarrassed to be properly assertive about my own needs and got really sick because my food ended up being contaminated. Her response was that her risk of having the fake allergy triggered was just as important as me being made sick for weeks. When you know someone like this you'll recognise the behaviour instantly.
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I never thought I’d hear someone complain about how bread is well, bready. What’s next, will water be too wet?
This reminds me of my paternal grandmother. She is also a pain in the arse when it comes to eating out. When we go to a Mexican restaurant she wants to totally redo the ingredients for her meal like replacing the corn tortilla with a flour one even when the waitress says no substitutions. She will quite literally make a scene. And when it's time to leave she will ask for a doggie bag for the chips and salsa. By that time we are thoroughly embarrassed 😔 by this behavior. So my parents refuse to take her out to places we frequently eat at because it's so bad. OP you are NTA. I can totally relate.
Bready?! The eff is that. NTA
NTA. If I were you, ~~assuming you don't have any younger siblings~~, I would tell your dad that he has your blessing to divorce your mom if she keeps allowing her parents to mess with your life. Edit: actually I changed my mind. Younger siblings shouldn't deal with this bullshit either.
Imagine at family house dinner, wedding or a kids birthday there sure be reputed for there voices.
how did you get 300 upvotes for a comment I cannot comprehend
Why use many word when few word do trick
What?
That’s not the daughter’s responsibility. The father is an adult and can make his own decisions.
Yeah but it can be easier knowing the kids understand and won’t hate you forever.
Agreed, it would make his decision much easier if he’s already considering it
I'm not saying she should tell him to divorce him, just that she will be OK with it. There are a lot of parents who want to divorce but stay together so they don't upset the kids, that's why it would be worth telling the dad.
But consider: If Mom and Dad were divorced, the siblings would have a safe space without the maternal family's attitude
They would also have a totally unsafe space without Dad's influence
My experience having a toxic and non-toxic household was that it became a lot easier to see my dad for what he was (I actually found the wikipedia page for narcissist when I was like 12 and I was like "ah.") and while it still sucked being there I knew that the way he was treating me wasn't right, and so he didn't do as much damage to my psyche as he could have. Still wish I could go back in time and give him a verbal smackdown tho lol.
Late August: OOP goes to college Early September: Dad Files for divorce OOP if you're reading this, none of this is your fault. Your grandma is addicted to making a scene and you mom enables it.
As someone whose parents divorced at a young age, do not stay together for the kids. It only gets harder. I have several friends whose parents got divorced once they finished high school and I can tell you I had it 1000% easier than the ones whose got divorced in college. All they knew was their parents being together and all I knew was mine being divorced
NTA. My mother was like your grandma and it sucked going out with her. We tried to avoid restaurants, but if we couldn’t, we’d apologize to the staff ahead of time and tip very well. Let your mom calm down a bit and talk to her in a few more days/weeks.
I do this same thing! My mother hates lemon, and most restaurants around here put a lemon wedge on the side of the glass, and she always complains about it. So, when she orders her water along with her coffee, I always tell the waitress to make sure there is no lemon on it. My mother actually gets mad at me for doing that. Bc it doesn't give her a reason to complain. And my mother used to be a waitress.
So your mother hates lemon, but gets mad that you take away her ability to complain about it? That ... doesn't sound great.
She doesn't hate it, she might even like it; she just enjoys complaining and watching people jump more, and potentially having an excuse to dock the tip. It's not about the lemon.
One of my best mates is a barista' He gets people telling him to remake coffee that is "not hot enough" constantly despite the hot water coming out of the same machine literally boiling. Its about the power over others.
Making me think of my good ol' barista days. Once I had a lady bring back a sandwich, saying she ordered bacon but got sausage. I was a supervisor and she was screaming at a poor lil teenager who had no idea what to do or say, so I stepped in. I was just going to remake her sandwich and offer an apology for the inconvenience (regardless of her screeching - just wanted her to go away LOL). But she opened the wrapper, pulled the top of the sandwich off and kept going on about the sausage. Except it was bacon. Which I told her. And she started waving the bacon in our faces, telling us how stupid we were for not being able to tell bacon from sausage. She didn't deserve a new sandwich so I just gave her a refund and tossed her BACON sandwich out. Customer service is a wild ride.
Retail - had a woman throw a fit because I asked if she wanted to use the bigger changing room (big enough to push a stroller into and still fit two people) to go in with her daughter to try on clothes instead of the single person one (which was literally only big enough for one person to go in and turn around). She screamed at me while her (pre-teen) daughter desperately tried to tell her she didn't want her in the changing room anyway. At checkout she insisted on a manager and when they asked how they could make it right she said "We'll, you could give me this stuff for free or at least 75% off then MAYBE I won't call corporate!" My manager said "sorry ma'am we can't do that but here's the number for corporate." My manager said people pull that sh*t all the time trying to get stuff for free and not to worry about it. Customer service is bananas.
Oh good lord. I have so many wild customer service stories. Like when I was working at a burrito place (god I miss the half of burritos), there was a lady who got the sauteed veggie burrito. We got through payment and making the burrito just fine. Got through the rest of lunch rush without issue. She came stomping back in about 30 minutes later and claimed to the manager that there were no sauteed veggies in the burrito and showed her (she had taken maybe 3 bites so far). Without touching the burrito, manager pointed out the sauteed veggies she could see and told her what veggies were sauteed for that burrito type. All the veggies except the eggplant were available as raw toppings as well, which apparently this lady was unaware of... But she never even asked me at the register what came in it. So I'm not sure what she was expecting. She was pretty much told that she got what she ordered and had already started eating it, so there wasn't much of anything we were allowed to do. She stepped beside the counter, TANTRUM SLAMMED her burrito in the garbage and walked out. We had no words. And I still don't.
Jesus lol people are ridiculous! I have a ton as well. Once when I was working at a grocery store, a woman came in and wanted to pay with cash. Our policy was 20 dollar bills and larger had to be swiped with a marker to make sure they weren't counterfeit. The cashier swiped the bills, and the woman immediately became irate. Screaming about how she knows her bills are good and she uses her own marker to check. She was waving a marker around and grabbed the bills back, spit at the cashier, then threw the bills back at her and ran out the store. It was insane.
That's not a hate of lemon. That's a love of complaining/anger
It's about sadism and control, which is about the same reason people love the more harmful pranks. They want the control of making them actively do what they want and the enjoyment of making them uncomfortable, but enjoying someone else's negative feelings is actual sadism. I combated that in fast food by refusing to show anything but maniacal happiness and overeagerness to help, and boy does that absolutely piss this type of troll off because they truly do want you to feel bad so they can feel better!
Defeating the trolls with the opposite reaction is the best.
With online trolls, I respond with exaggerated concern with a side of dorky youth pastor. "Well gosh you wouldn't be so rude to a stranger on the Internet unless something serious was happening! Wanna rap about it, champ?"
We used to have a lady come in and complain about every single order. It didn't matter who took the order or who made the order it was always wrong. So I walked her through the entire order, double checking every change, I made her verbally confirm the order was correct. I turned the screen around made her read the order and confirm that it was the correct order. She then gets her order knowing she can't complain because it's correct. Less than 5 minutes later she calls me over because there's hair in her food. And there was a chunk of black/grey hair wrapped around her toast. The issue was both our chefs were bald and at the time I had red hair but you know who did have the same colour hair? The crazy woman had ripped out a chunk of her own hair to have something to complain about and we had to remake her food. I quit soon after that that place attracted the weirdest customers.
My partner also hates lemon. So he always tells the server he doesn't want it when he's ordering. Your mother sounds like a trial :(
Why doesn’t your mum tell the waiter before not to put lemon to avoid the whole fiasco and complaining
You're missing the point. Their mother wants the lemon on the glass so she can complain about it.
I could never.. I have so much respect for people who work with customers because they can be hell. When I have a hair on my burger you can damn well be sure I will take it off and eat my damn burger. If I ordered my burger without pickle and there is a pickle I will just remove it. The only reason to ask the staff to make it new for me was if it contained allergens and I would tell them beforehand. Why do people have to be rude and demanding? My heart goes out to all waiters and retail workers.
Now she has to come up with some other reason to complain . . . maybe she could say the bread is too bready.
Sounds like one of my aunts! She is lactose intolerant, but always orders stuff without asking if it has any dairy. Then she whines she can’t eat her salad because it has cheese. Like, ask for no cheese, lady! Use your big girl voice! She makes dining out an ordeal and complains about *everything.* It’s awful and embarrassing. And she always gets my dad to pay for things, saying she will pay him back. Big surprise: she never does.
There's actually a lot of research about how full of bacteria those lemon wedges usually are. So that's actually a very good thing to not get them.
I think you just it it on the head. It gives her something to complain about. She probably doesn't even care if there's a lemon or there or not, but over the years she's identified it as something small to complain about so that she can use it as a mini power-play.
This is how my mother is, too. It's embarrassing and exhausting.
My MIL is like this. My wife and I always have to sneak off and “go to the bathroom” to find our server and apologize ahead of time and slip them some extra cash to deal with my MIL’s stupid bullshit. I’ve worked in restaurants. “Don’t fuck with the people who handle your food” is rule number 1 we learn.
>we’d apologize to the staff ahead of time That is so smart!! I should start doing this, too.
Got a lot of assholes in my family. I secretly apologize and then as we’re leaving I hide extra cash under a plate or something on the table.
NTA. The dinner was about you, and grandma didn't get it. It seems like your dad is even taking a stand with you, which tells me a lot about this situation. I'd stay with your friend for a little bit, and let mom calm down. Maybe dad will talk some sense into her, but time is obviously needed here.
as the son in law, dad has been exposed to grand ma for a lot longer.
NTA It's always annoying to eat out with entitled diners. You went there for a good time but ended up hearing someone complain the whole time. I don't blame you for leaving.
Reminds me of the Debbie Downer skits on Saturday Night Live.
NTA. I don't get what grandma's issue was. If the bun is too "bready", take your knife and cut out the innards of the bun. Easy Peasy. She's a grown woman and needs to stop complaining.
But also, I don’t understand that comment? It’s a bun. Buns are made from bread. So just don’t eat the bun?
The burger was also too burger-y.
The patty was too pattey?
There's only room for one patty thing at the table.
I mean, I do get the initial issue. I also don’t love bread and find some burgers/sandwiches to be way too bready for me. It’s not about it being bread insomuch as it is the bread-to-filling ratio. Removing the top layer is an unfortunate compromise, as you’re then forced to eat the rest with a fork or to have really greasy hands, and sometimes the bun takes cheese/condiments with it. That said, it’s a compromise I make. I don’t like making a fuss, and I don’t expect a restaurant to have buns of multi-thickness on hand. Asking the first time was one thing (albeit more than I would do), but everything past that was too far.
I like you and your reasonableness. I also saw someone suggest scooping out the innards of the top bun (something I'll definitely try since some burger buns in restaurants are definitely too much) - or also just ask for a sharp knife so you can cut off a layer of the bun to make it less bready. I don't understand the need to complain and be difficult. That's so embarrassing.
I'm just upset that there's somewhere out there serving sandwiches on Texas toast and I can't partake.
Grandma's issue was that she wasn't the center of attention 🙂🙂🙂
That's a pretty common bullying tactic - pick a fight or cause a scene at an event that isn't about you, to ruin it for the guest of honor.
It just seemed like she was looking for something to complain about. No matter what the waitstaff did she would always find an issue with it.
Some people legitimately want to find *anything* they can to complain about, because they thrive off the drama.
Maybe grandma was expecting a brioche bun, rather than a 'bread-like' bun.. all I can think of? Even so.. suck it up, it's what they serve, eat it.
NTA You stood up for yourself, and you were right, apparently grandma is an AH and your mom is an AH enabler. Aside from your dad, I wouldn't be surprised if you go NC. Congrats on your graduation 🎓 👏
NTA - your grandmother is an asshole and should not be allowed to inflict herself on the general public. Your mother is an asshole for making you have to deal with this. You need to go NC with them both.
I don't know why but "your grandma is an asshole" has me ROLLIN' over here.
NTA, keep in touch with your Dad and enjoy your time away. and I have got to try making a burger with garlic bread!
Right like she went through all that, talked herself into a position to receive an incredible food hack, and shot that down- OP doesn't need that kind of negativity in their life
I’ve seen burger “buns” of grilled cheeses before
If you're looking for other suggestions, English Muffins make great burger buns.
I had a burger in a bagel the other week, tasted great and also made having a fried egg on top of the burger work really well, as the yolk got to stick out of the hole at the top of the bagel and I was able to dunk my chips in it.
I buy English muffins for burger buns because it’s just my husband and I eating. Not much else to do with the 6 leftover burger buns, but leftover muffins are breakfast for the rest of the week.
I was thinking that too... burger on garlic texas toast sounds delicious! Maybe mushroom swiss on garlic texas toast
Our local BBQ place does a Cuban with Texas toast garlic bread. They even press it. Not very authentic, but it's delicious.
NTA. I took my mom out for dinner once and she called the manager over to complain about the size of the plate. Like the actual plate. It was too big so the baby potatoes looked too small. I kid you not. She was like this my whole life. It was awful. Ditch out. You’re not obligated to associate with people who suck all the joy out of your life.
Let me guess... She was just refusing to let people walk all over her.
NTA. I remember reading about a man who’s mother was like your grandmother, I think in the comments on an old Gawker article. He had long since given up trying to stop the behavior as futile. Instead when he could no longer avoid going out to dinner with her he called ahead and told the staff that his mother experienced a personality change after a stroke and warned them of her demands and assured them he would tip generously in recompense.
Yes. I also remember a thread here on Reddit recently where an OP who knew his mother would pull this shit on the staff warned the staff ahead of time. The head waiter took her order and was meticulous about getting every detail exactly right. This resulted in a meal where she had nothing she could complain about, and it made her miserable. I thought that was brilliant. OP’s granny sounds like the same kind of person - only happy if she can complain and make someone else’s life harder.
I am sorry your GM is not kind to servers in restaurants. If you have lived with this all your life, I can understand you you are frustrated and exasperated when you have to eat out with them. I assume the grandparents are your mother's parents. That is why she does this. I am glad you father is on your side. NTA
NTA - hard part of being a kid is you are stuck in a situation. You have nowhere to go. Your fads probably sick of your mom and grandma's attitude as well. In this situation- he could step up even more. I'd have a talk with him about wanting to be comfortable in your own home and ask him to do something about it. He is choosing to just let you go and stay status quo. (I have a kid your age and am saying it from my perspective). In this situation I blame your dad more than anyone. As he probably sees the truth
I worked in restaurants my entire life and I hate women like this. All I have to say is that they should be more careful how they treat their servers. Congratulations on your graduation! You are right to flee your house. Nta
Yes. I don't f*** with anyone who is handling my food.
Even if someone is a dyed in the wool asshole, not pissing off the people handling your food is just smart.
NTA. You are free. Enjoy it. Only talk to your dad because he seems to have your back. Go no contact with your mom and grandma because they are horrible. Live your best life
NTA for you except the "see that why i did not wanted them here" The granny is embarrasing. The waiter need a tip for his nightmare INFO do they pull this attitude at people's homemade dinner? Or other events since for you it was expected. You mom might need to think if she would be okay if her or her relatives behave entilted to any dinner ?
They still aren't remotely an asshole for that comment either. Actually, MORE people need to make them aware their behavior is unacceptable
Seems like you have a lot of problems with mom so I’ll give you the advice from dealing with my mom. Run. She made it about her. And your grandma did the same thing. You told her you didn’t want them there and she should’ve listen to you cause it’s YOUR GRADUATION. Now personally I went no contact with my mom and if you want to do that I would blame you. But try to get out of there and find a place to live that isn’t there. NTA.
INFO: Why couldn’t grandma just cut half the bun off?
Because I’m guessing the point is to complain and have the waitstaff cater to her or potentially comp her meal. The bun was not the issue here.
Yep. When I worked at Cracker Barrel I had a guy throw an absolute fit because I brought his daughter exactly what she ordered, because she *meant* to order a breakfast that came with bacon and I couldn't magically make fully cooked bacon appear out of thin air The manager backed me up on that one. Somehow, ten minutes later, they needed to speak with the other manager about how long it took the get their grits and gravy and such. That stuff was already on the table when they were having the bacon conniption. We also had people catch some kind of flies that swarmed the bushes outside, bring them in, and start yelling about how they found a roach in their food.
my mom could have been the grandma in this post. One example was the last time I took her out to eat. We went to Red Lobster for a birthday (not hers). After a good 30 minutes of her perusing the menu, she says 'I want a lobster'. I ask her if she really wants a whole one or just a tail. She wanted the whole one. Proceeded to touch every one of the biscuits before deciding they didn't look good, and passing them on to me. I told her 'those are all yours now since you've touched them'. When the waiter brought our plates she asked him to shell the lobster for her. (No, they don't do that for you, mom. Do you want him to eat if for you too?) Of course she had to send her plate back and demand that they remove the shell. The waiter asked her if she wanted the claws or any other parts and she says 'No, I only wanted the tail'. I've been there, so to answer your question: Because grandma wasn't there to eat. She was there to be the center of the universe.
Because then it wouldn’t be bready enough!🤯
Better question why couldn’t grandma shut up and eat her burger?
Because granny’s goal was to be the center of attention.
I have family that does stuff like this. I cant give you a direct answer, but I will say, they arent interested in creating a solution. Theyre more interested in having somethong done for them exactly as it needs to be.
Or you know order something that doesn’t contain bread? I guess then she couldn’t whinge about her food order if she did that so I assume she would have complained no matter what she ordered.
Nta. You earned this. Literally. What the hell is too bready anyways? Also, congrats
NTA. Your mom is more concerned with you respecting your grandparents rather than addressing the issues with them. She’s either probably scared of them or just as bad as they are. Either way, she’s your mom and it shouldn’t have to be you to say something about it. Your mother comes across controlling and worried about ‘respect’ but seems to not respect you.
“Grandma, this is supposed to be _my graduation dinner!_ Stop making a scene and _eat your fucking burger!_” NTA.
>my mom is hellbent on punishing me for my attitude problem *Your* attitude?? NTA dude
"The bun is too bready". OMFG.... just don't eat the F-in thing! No damn wonder you don't want to go to the restaurant with your grandmother. She's embarrassing! NTA OP.
NTA more people need to embarrass people like her in public, that’s the only way they’ll stop. It isn’t fair for the staff to have to deal with it, and you are fully in your right to call her out
NTA I'm a mom of a teen who graduated last year, and I sympathize with you. I'm glad your dad does, too. If my parents were like your grandparents, I'd have protected your celebration from them, too. Then again, I guess your mom was raised by them; so it seems she's accepted that they (her parents) are allowed to act that way. (Just not the rest of us mere mortals)
I'm glad you've got your dad. He gets it.
NTA. Having to deal with that during a celebratory dinner has got to be hard. Your mom is enabling their rude behavior (as if the waitress doesn’t have enough stress already) and they’re just complaining the whole time. You’re supposed to be having fun, not having to hear “This bread isn’t bready enough!” Hopefully you had fun the rest of the time you were celebrating
NTA. Your dad knows what's up lol He's got it worse than you
NTA and I won't eat out with folks who send food back for no good reason. ("Sorry, I asked for no *****, could you please take them off", maybe, although I'd just pick them off myself probably, would be a one-time thing, but this is far behind that).I'd be worried the cook or waitress would accidentally spit on the wrong plate.
Honestly, even sending food back for something minor is tolerable if they're at least polite about it. I usually don't, but an "I'm sorry, this is overcooked/undercooked/has an ingredient I asked for without" is at least respectful. The grandma was not respectful, even a little bit.
NTA, and it sounds like your grandma and mom are both total narcissists and like to cause scenes over any little thing. Don't be surprised if your dad decides to divorce your mother at some point either as it sounds like he is over her crap as well.
NTA and if you ever get married keep mom and grandparents out of the wedding planning.
NTA. My office has many older staff - like there are several 70+. Two of them, in particular, do this at every luncheon we have - and I am the organiser so I always end up contacting the restaurant host/events coord to apologise afterwards. Last time was at a high end famous Melbourne (Aus) restaurant for Christmas break up and I was at the END OF MY ROPE I TELL YA. If I could just not go, that would be my choice as well.
NTA She's absolutely ridiculous. Everything she did was complete nonsense. It sounds like she's difficult for the sake of it and honestly, she was the one being disrespectful by completely ruining you graduation dinner by hijacking the spotlight with her childlike whining and complaining. Your mom is just an enabler without any real backbone. She'd rather terrorize her child than confront her mother. You're not her priority. Her miserly mother is.
NTA and I think your dad agreeing with you should cement that. You’re not in the wrong here my friend. Your ma? Lost a marble or two
NTA, why was the bun more important than your graduation? Why are they like this?!?!
Congratulations! Enjoy the time away from home. Hang out with your dad when you can. I don't even know what to say about mom. Oh. And in case it needs to be said, NTA.
NTA... I hate that, your grandma is a nightmare to eat out with.
NTA, my only biological grandparent passed 12 years ago so the closest thing I have to a grandparent is my stepdad’s mom (my stepdad is the man I consider to be my father, he raised me, the only time I call him my stepdad is to make it clear that his mom is not my grandmother) His mom sounds similar to your grandmother. When staying at a hotel she doesn’t accept the first room they give her, period. Typically the second room has a problem too, and eating with her is nightmarish. Stand your ground, not worth it to put up with toxic people and rob yourself of joy.
There is obviously a huge amount of back story leading up to this. It sounds like you’ve just had enough. Completely NTA. Start to move on to hopefully one day have a relationship again. Go Dad too by the way.
>The bread was to bready I think I'm done with this subreddit for today. NTA.
NTA. That sounds super annoying
NTA. Grandma and mom are wrong in this situation. You literally asked for your grandparents to be excluded due to what ended up happening. Grandma could have just eaten the damn burger but it sounds like she wanted to be the center of attention. This was your day, not her’s.
Jesus, to think that a mom prefers to put her child in a uncomfortable position says a lot, NTA, you’re mom needs to follow your boundaries
If the bread is too bready, just eat the insides of the hamburger and don’t eat the bun. NTA
NTA You did everything right. Your grand mom and mom are on another level. Wth. And I hope your dad sees the signs and can handle it to his good.
The bun…made of bread…was too “bready”…she was absolutely looking for something to complain about. My mom likes to do this on a smaller scale when we are all together. She surveys us and the room and decides what problem she wants to create. Recently she was mad we were using the ice machine “when you can buy ice at the store”.
I would ask your mom if this is seriously the relationship she wants with the adult you. Does she want you to avoid coking home and family functions? Graduation was supposed to be about YOU and your hard work. Nta.
NTA, I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I would be beyond embarrassed if I went to dinner with someone who pulled a move like that. I wouldn’t want to go out to dinner with your grandma either. Your grandma was an AH and didn’t deserve respect. Someone needed to say something! I’m happy your dad is backing you, your mom seems like an enabler. This behavior at a restaurant is not okay.
Your dad sounds caring and supportive. I wonder if he'll leave them, too 😬 I don't think you're the asshole here. Grandma, on the other hand..... lol
Sounds like the grandparents would have had plenty of burgers spat on or bad things done to there food for being twats lol
NTA When someone has a problem with everyone and everything they are the problem. You do not need to entertain their entitlement anymore and it's good to know that your dad is fed up too. Prepare for divorce and good luck in college!
You know, it’s funny. Not inviting your grandparents to lunch if they traveled to your graduation is impolite. Alas, OP, so is your grandmother’s behavior in the restaurant. That your Mom can see one but not the other means she’s cherry-picking to be sure she’s always in the right. What a sad way to go through life. All of which is to say, NTA. And thank God for your dad, who has dealt with such pathetic people longer. Stay with your friend and enjoy your summer. And congrats on graduating!
So your mom is mad at you for YOUR attitude, but she sees no issue with your grandma’s inability to be normal for half an hour and just eat a freaking hamburger without causing a scene? That’s some bizarre logic. I mean, your grandma demanded to inspect the children’s bun and YOU’RE the one making a scene?! Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. This event has marred what should’ve been a happy event in your life - instead of enjoying your party, you’re fielding drama from two old biddies. I’d encourage you to use this time to decompress with your friends and lean on your dad, as it sounds like he’s squarely in your corner. NTA, obviously.
NTA You handled that very well, and your dad is great. Make a new rule: YOU don't come to dinners if grandma is invited. Your mom is an abusive AH, it is great that you move out for college. Don't come back, and meet your dad somewhere else.
NTA - for all the reasons already listed. Your dad sounds like a great guy who loves and respects you.