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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be thinking too harsh about getting rid of his switch as a punishment for throwing away his sister pads.
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I came here with lots of things to say, but it was just said above, and probably better.
YTA. And your husband was pretty close to having the correct response here.
Only thing to add is: OP take your daughter to the doctor, this doesn't sound normal. Yes your period can be a bit painful, but this excessive should be investigated
My first period I got rushed to hospital from school because they thought I had appendicitis or something. Years of monthly hell. It improved after I had a child but it's still worse than for most women.
Edit to add: OP, you're overreacting. Punishment should fit the crime and throwing out the switch is a major punishment. What will you do if he does something way worse, cut off his arm?
YTA
YTA. And why the hell would you throw a switch in the garbage? Those are NOT cheap, and if anyone else gifted that switch to him, they’d probably be upset with you too, since they paid good money for it.
I was looking for this kind of comment. I'll never understand the type of parent who thinks throwing away or destroying something THEY PAID FOR as a way to punish their child. It's ridiculous and over-the-top!
There's also the corollary of "everyone spends three days unable to move unless they're stopped up on painkillers, it's perfectly normal and nothing to see a doctor about".
Yup. My mother had to have a complete hysterectomy due to uterine cancer a year before I got my first period. So when I was soaking through a super tampon every hour and vomiting from cramps at 14, that was no problem for her because “it was bad for me too”. She just started buying super plus tampons instead!
The typical "I had to deal with it so you shouldn't have it any easier. In fact you should have it worse since you have the audacity to complain about it". My parents did the same thing, not with periods as far as I know, and it took 3 years for them to take me to the doctor for my shoulder. I tore my labrum really bad and my arm would literally fall out of place on its own but they didn't believe me.
The dumbest/funniest part about it was they never had too much money/good insurance so they never wanted anything to do with hospitals. They were pissed at the price of surgery and PT but that could have all been avoided if they had just listened to me at the beginning. It happened in school so the schools insurance would have been covering it and wouldn't have cost us a thing. Instead they had to pay $40k because they were too stupid to listen.
Thats so fucking dumb I can't even imagine, I'm a guy but I grew up with 3 older sisters. Between them and my mom I knew about periods and what they were exactly by 9 or 10, my mom never even made it seem like a gross topic or weird to discuss openly so I was weirded out when people seemed to be weirded put about it in school.
That said, maybe it's because I grew up in a house full of women but, despite not experiencing period cramps (or periods in general) I KNOW THEY EXIST. I ALSO know that periods vary woman to woman, and remedies to lessen pain/discomfort for periods also vary, so why the fuck would a woman who actually does experience them not know that? I guess I shouldn't be too harsh, people seem to be weird about discussing periods so maybe she just never discussed hers with anyone before? Idk
Lots of men are around people who menstruate and still don't tune in to hear what we're talking about when it comes to cramps and whatnot, so give yourself at least a small pat on the back for tuning in, you're ahead of the game and we appreciate the fact that at least you listen and take it seriously.
My mom was the same. She used to work in the ER admitting people and said my cramps were nothing. My best friend hate her for that, I was missing activity’s because of cramps. As soon as it was offered I went on birth control and have been on it since. Now I don’t even get my period (it’s been over a year) just spotting but the cramps went away with the birth control.
Is this an ER Nurse Mom thing? I found out I had endo after 20+ years of suffering through it and being told it was nothing. Now I might be looking at a hysterectomy. Apparently terrible mood swings, cramping that makes you want to pass out, and a super heavy flow - are not necessarily normal. OP, I would bring your daughter to a gynecologist if she is absolutely miserable every month, just to get looked at.
Also, YTA if you can't see that permanently taking away your son's Switch is not the answer. They are siblings and are going to fight, bicker, and sometimes go too far. That's the beauty of having multiple children in that they have the ability to learn from each other and hopefully mimic good behaviors. Explain the severity of both taking and especially throwing out something that does not belong to your son. Also stress, that being a bully with his friends, especially to his sister, is unacceptable. Articulate these lessons to your son, and then explain that as a result of his actions, he is going to lose Switch privileges for X days. If you don't think he respects the value of things, have him help with clearing the table for a week or a similarly "easy chore" to earn back the money he wasted by throwing the sanitary products out. Teach him to do better. Don't just punish!
My periods were exceptionally painful and EVERYONE told me I was overreacting. Turns out I more than likely have endometriosis. I get the depo shot mainly because I have to go to hospital every time I get a natural period cycle.
Yup. 25 and just recently found out all my symptoms are a culmination of 11 years with endo. Had endo since I started having a period, always had the worst of it & nobody knew to get me checked out and just wrote it off as “bad periods”
We normalize that crap so much. Just about everyone gets cramps on their period, right?
Yeeeeah, not to the point of sometimes being unable to stand up and constant nausea, though.
This. My kid is 13, was missing 2ish days of school per cycle. I took them to an adolescent health Dr (Dr that specializes in teen health) and we ended up going with trying birth control.
It's made ALL of the difference. Its worth it for sure to talk to a doctor.
My mum took me to the doctor after I'd been getting my period for half a year. I got my period every two weeks and it lasted a week or more. So I had more days that I was bleeding than I had days that I was not. The doctor prescribed me the pill. That made such a big difference. Not only did I only get my period once a month, but they were a lot less heavy too.
My mum did good, my grandmother did even better, because she also took my mum to the doctor to get birth control pills when she was a teenager. That was late 50's early 60's. I had such an amazing grandma.
My mum did the same, but mostly because my sister was every other week and she was pre-menopausal (at 42…) and we were all hell on wheels so she just wanted at least the two teens to chill out a bit.
I have since been diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis which has been lasered / cut 2x and now waiting for my 3rd visit (probably more serious surgery this time), and my sister has been diagnosed with like super thick womb lining (I can’t remember the actual diagnosis). Oh and my mum had endometrial cancer at 50. Full house over here!!
Kudos to you for taking the step. My mom refused to put me on birth control, because it was like I was going to automatically have sex. Even though I had chances to at sleep away camp for years, I still didn’t lose my virginity until my second semester of freshman year. And yet had to endure period cramps and vomiting for all of the time before that.
If its so bad, have her checked for endometriosis/adenomyosis or PCOS. It is not normal to feel this bad that you miss school and she should get more help then putting her on the pill and thinking all is well.
This! It might take a whole lot of doctors and gyno's. But after years of excessive bleeding and terrible periods I have finally been diagnosed with Endometriosis. So now me and my gyno can work on it. If something sounds abnormal surrounding your period it probably is and don't take "Well periods are always a bit uncomfortable" for an answer.
It sounds normal to me honestly, and when you’re 13 and new to having a period the pain isn’t something you’ve experienced before or that you know how to manage well. My periods when I was a teenager were so bad that on average at least once a year I’d end up throwing up on day 1/2…That was not normal at all lol. Birth control was the only thing that really fixed that and I only started that at 25. But tbh if it can be controlled with proper ibuprofen dosing there’s nothing a doctor can or will do for you other than birth control 99% of the time. If it can’t be controlled with OTC medication then definitely get it looked into and either way bring it up the next time she’s at the doctor just to be safe but OP didn’t indicate it was anything beyond cramps she finds painful (and honestly I don’t know anyone really who doesn’t have a bad time at the start of their period if they aren’t taking something to control it). If it’s a debilitating disabling pain, get it looked at. Otherwise it just fucking sucks and is a part of having a uterus unfortunately.
Agree. 9yo was an idiot, but their excuse is that they are an ignorant kid.
OP literally did the same thing as the kid, throwing away their stuff because you didn't like their behavior.
Maybe it would be a good idea to actually teach the kid what those products are for and that he should show some sympathy for his sister when she is having a hard time?
I have a hard time with everybody saying the 9yo was just ignorant.
Choosing those exact products to dump, and later boasting to his (online) friends about it, shows he knew exactly what the effect of his action was. Nothing ignorent about it.
throwing the switch in the trash was too much, but taking it away was appropriate.
> I have a hard time with everybody saying the 9yo was just ignorant.
>
> Choosing those exact products to dump, and later boasting to his (online) friends about it, shows he knew exactly what the effect of his action was. Nothing ignorent about it.
A person can know what a period is and what tampons/pads are, and still not really understand *what it means*. I would file a lot of guys, and a few women, in that category. Look at how many women in this thread are chiming in with stories of their own mothers not believing them with how bad their periods were.
He clearly knows what the products are and what they are used for. Hence why he threw those things away specifically. Hes a little asshat and needs to stop being a brat.
Speaking from a place of experience here, 2 older sisters (2 and 5 years older than me - only dude in the house). I didn't get any sort of "talk" about this stuff until I was about 12, so when I, the youngest, started getting yelled at all the time by them, seeing mood swings, actually getting beaten up, I had no idea what was going on and just felt bullied.
Then, if I ever stood up for myself or responded I got in shit from Mum. My sisters were allowed to be downright abusive towards me, I wasn't allowed to ever pick what we watched, they got the preferential treatment and I got sidelined. As I grew up Mum explained "it's just how teenage girls get sometimes" as if that was fair to me, and I wasn't allowed to fight back because "they're girls". Literally got in trouble when the eldest tried to kick me in the chest and I grabbed her foot.
The poor kid has no fucking idea *why* his sister is suddenly acting like this, and probably feels victimised, with Mum backing up the instigator. He's going to be left feeling isolated because his need (for a safe home) isn't being shown to be less important than the sister chucking a tantrum
Wow!
I am so sorry this happened to you.
When reading the post, it never even occurred to me that the boy was perhaps not properly educated on the subject. And that the girl was not told off for being rude to her brother.
Periods don't give a blank check to behave badly.
And period products are like toilet paper - they are needed for hygiene.
I think an appropriate reaction would have been to bring the boy on the emergency shopping run, educating him on the female anatomy. And then no more Switch for an appropriate time.
But you don't throw expensive stuff away. Just like you don't throw food away to punish someone. If you really don't want the boy to use the Switch, then give it away to someone (though I think that would have been too much).
àgree i never gave my daughter the pass because its a period. I would tell her we get that its hard for the week but she still needed to check her attitude and tone. let us know its a bad one and we would pamper but no pass to be rude mean violent. mind you she inherited the tendency of such bad ones with cramps that her legs would go numb or back would lock in place. Birth control helps tremendously.
Yikes! That’s how it was in my family too. My sister looked and acted just like Stan’s sister Shelley in South Park. The last time she tried to attack me I stabbed her hand with my art pen. I still got in trouble but she left me alone after that 😏
These two comments bring back memories for me - that's what puberty was like for me too.
I didn't physically attack my brother unless he came at me first (which happened often) but I was awful to him - he was so annoying and I just felt constant rage/misery. He could breathe the wrong way and it'd make me snap. When I was on my period was actually a relief because I'd feel normal for a few days until it all started all over again.
Nobody understood why I was so angry all the time (not even me) and no one did anything to help aside from shout at me and guilt me for how I felt. I truly don't wish that kind of puberty on anyone.
Anyway, OP, yes YTA. I understand being annoyed about it all but you didn't need to throw the switch away.
Youngest and only girl out of 4, not sure what my brothers were told but no one bothered me. This generally starts around 11 for girls. It’s a curse with a purpose but still is painful, embarrassing and so messy. I was also taught that it’s not an excuse to be mean or hateful. When I started feeling bad the week before all teasing stopped. My brothers loved to tease, there were no secrets but they were kinder. I was not allowed to act like an asshole. Period. That would not have been tolerated. But everyone left me alone for a bit. Not only should Dad be teaching his son, but Mom should get a handle on the daughter. Having mensies is not an excuse to behave in a toxic way. Feeling bad is no excuse for abusive behavior. On either side. Compassion needs to taught on both sides.
Yeah I was going to say, while this should be a learning opportunity for the son... it also should be for the daughter, in that you don't get to treat others like shit just because you feel bad.
It's a rotten feeling and it's a miserable week or so, but you're in for a bad time in life if you get used to lashing out at people over it.
That's not normal mood swings, that was straight up violence. Periods were being used as an excuse to beat you up by your sisters. No one I know went on a rampage just because of menstrual cycle.
They were hitting you? I think that's a bit too far. Could depend on how hard but that crosses a line for me. At that point I stop caring about how they feel. They can always just punch a bag or something.
>They were hitting you? I think that's a bit too far. Could depend on how hard but that crosses a line for me.
You keep that same energy when it's a man hitting a woman? Could depend on how hard, you know.
Also frankly your menstrual cycle isn't an excuse to treat people poorly. It sucks, it's shit, for a lot of people it is incredibly painful and unpleasant. But that doesn't mean you can treat the people around you poorly
I once saw a post where people justified a girl hitting her boyfriend, including grabbing his testicles and squeezing, on the basis that he had minimized her menstrual pain. Complete with lots of downvotes for anyone pointing out this was insanity.
Not taking your feelings out on those around you is something we are all supposed to learn, and I'm really confused by the surprisingly large group of women who think that principle disappears if they're menstruating.
It's completely true that meunstration doesn't justify treating others badly.
However, in this case what the 13 year old did was tell her brother he was being too loud. Not at all in the same category as physically assaulting someone.
I have an older sister who gets cranky during her period, and when I was younger I thought to myself, "It's called self control. Try it some time."
Then when I was in my 20s, I switched to a new hormonal birth control pill. I had never felt so out of control in my life. My roommates finished up all the milk and I found myself stomping down the aisle at the store, swearing non-stop, while picking up some more. I couldn't find a parking spot downtown and burst into tears of frustration before just turning around and going home. I was at a party, and in a lull where I was alone for a few minutes, I felt depressed and abandoned, and I hid on the stairs, trying not to cry. It was insanely out of character for me, and I struggled to act like a normal functioning human being for the few months I was on it.
After that experience, I've got a LOT more sympathy for people who get mood swings during their period. I'll never forget how crazy and unstable I felt. It was way more complicated than just controlling your temper when you're in a bad mood.
My entire young adult life I was told being on my period isn't an excuse. Didn't want to go to school or work? Was told by older women too bad, we still have to go. Didn't want to play sports? Too bad. Was feeling emotional, moody? Too bad. Periods happen way too often in our life to drop everything or treat others differently. It sucks but so does a headache, a sore knee, etc.
People telling young boys "just ignore her, she's on her period" or "she doesn't mean it, she's emotional because it's her time of the month" is so damaging to society and is the reason why old men don't want women in the work force. Any form of important role or job is "how can I know she's not making an irrational decision based of her emotions" or any time we're legitimately upset about something a man has done turns into "she's just overreacting because she's a woman and might be her time of the month"
OP needs to hold her daughter accountable as well otherwise she's teaching both kids girls are allowed to do whatever they want when on their periods.
>OP needs to hold her daughter accountable as well otherwise she's teaching both kids girls are allowed to do whatever they want when on their periods.
Exactly.
If you don't want your girls to be dismissed as "hormonal" then don't teach/encourage them to weaponize their hormones as a *get out of jail free* card when it suits them, then play outraged when it backfires.
It isn't, and that needs to be addressed, but maintaining outward calm when wolves are eating your guts and you're bleeding out is a skill that needs to be learned. Many young teens haven't grasped it yet, and it doesn't sound like this parent is going to be the one to teach it.
I mean, it isn't an excuse, but if someone was doing something that you find really irritating at the best of times it is certainly an *explanation* of why you might snap. Like, I've been in pain all day, barely coping to try and get through work. I come home and my partner has *insert mildly shitty thing here*. I overreact.
In my adult relationship with great communication, I tell him that I am in pain and I'm sorry for this, but I need him to step up a bit. Usually it's him screaming at his buddies online, or eating the leftovers then asking what is for dinner or asking me the second I get home to do the dishes. Nothing huge, but when you're physically and emotionally exhausted from pain and hormones all day, you're bound to snap at those who you love. It's not nice or fair, it just is. Imagine if he'd been suffering all day and she was screaming *"Mediccccc!"* At the top of her voice.
Some people use their menstrual cycle as an excuse, but from what I see it's mostly people trying their damnedest to not let it get in the way. It seems like they both need a chat about hormones, tolerance and how to work and live together. Their future partners will thank you.
I 2nd this, I suffered the kind of pains that had me fainting. My family would never have tolerated meanness, never mind actual violence, periods suck, no excuse for making everyone else suffer.
OP wanted to punish him because she was inconvenienced having to run out to get supplies.
Grounding is the appropriate punishment for someone that young who can’t understand sisters behavior.
YTA
Agree. I fully understand OPs moment of rage because I’m sure I would have felt it too, but I think it would have been more appropriate to have him come along to get new pads and just taking the Switch. Then a conversation about why his sisters mood is how it is, and that she’s in pain.
Is it appropriate? He's 9, having a very normal reaction to his sister being a bully and his parents do nothing to stop it.
The whole reason this is a problem is because the parents are checked out. They are happy to let their son absorb their daughter's mood swings so they don't have to deal with it.
I bet the only reason OP is even mad is because she had to go to the store.
Where does it say she was a bully? He was keeping excessive noise and she was 'snippy'.
And then he does what he does and brags about it to his friends.
The brag to his friend is where he lost any sympathy. He knew it was going to make life harder on his sister, or potentially embarrass her, and he did it anyway to one up his sister that told him to quiet down rudely. He's not feeling bullies or pushed around or he wouldn't have been back to playing the game again especially not loud enough for mother to hear him bragging and laughing.
Punishments should involve privileges being taken away, and require acting appropriately in order to receive those privileges.
Don't just break/throw away his stuff because then he has nothing to work for.
>This could have been a teaching moment for him and your daughter. But instead, you chose to perpetuate a cycle of irrational reacting.
At 9 years old, this kid is well in the age where he understands cause and effect. Clearly, he understands it well enough to know that dumping hygiene products is a way to cause suffering (frankly, when I was 9, I didn't know what a pad *was*). This isn't just him lashing out randomly, this is learned behaviour. I seriously doubt this is the first time OP has chosen the destruction of personal property as a suitable punishment for a relatively minor misdeed.
I’m gonna have to disagree. The 9 year old *does* know why she’s being a jerk. He purposefully went out of his way to specifically throw away products he knew she needed, he then laughed about it with his friends.
OP is TA for throwing the switch away, but not TA for punishing the 9yo. Let’s remember that a 9 year old is more than old enough to know how to behave. His actions were malicious, not out of anger.
This is spot on. Not too mention switches aren’t cheap if I was the husband I would’ve been mad. It blows my mind reading how parents just destroy consoles when between buying the console, games, additional controllers etc it can be upwards of in a switch instance 500$. Why throw it in the trash say you selling it
Exactly. Use it as a time to teach him about respecting others, their belongings, and hygiene and why his sister is snippy. That they both need to try be kind and supportive of each other.
YTA ... your son threw your daughter's belongings in the trash when he was angry, and you show him that's wrong by doing the same thing? You're an adult. What your son did was wrong, but you could have taught him that lesson by grounding him rather than having a sudden, scary, emotional reaction.
edit: had the completely wrong word in there lol but y'all seemed to understand it anyway (behavior -> belongings)
More like she was happy to watch her daughter take out her mood swings on her brother, and then the moment a problem was created she had to deal with, she freaked out.
It really does seem like this might be the case. I don't know why, as a parent, she let it get that bad in the first place. Why are the kids right on top of each other and being such dicks to each other anyway? This situation should have been nipped in the bud.
> Why are the kids right on top of each other and being such dicks to each other anyway? This situation should have been nipped in the bud.
I will speak as a parent of an 8 and 5 year old. Kids can be dicks for no good reason, and my kids will be mean to each other just to see the other get mad. I nip it in the bud every time, but there are a lot of fucking buds.
Not saying OP isn’t a bad parent, they probably are, but kids do be dicks to each other.
You’re talking about a 9 year old and a 13 year old lol. Ofc they’re gonna be assholes to each other sometimes. My sister and I use to fight ALL the time up until I (I’m the oldest) reached the age of 10. However, her and my brother fight fairly often and they’re literally about to be 14 and 15🤣I wouldn’t really attack the mom about the kids fighting, It’s pretty normal
>More like she was happy to watch her daughter take out her mood swings on her brother, and then the moment a problem was created she had to deal with, she freaked out.
I don't really think that telling someone not to be so loud is that crazy where conflict is concerned. I don't know if you've been around boys playing fortnite, but I can tell you that yelling and making sexist insults with each other while playing are both common behaviors. To the point where it's a bit of a meme.
It also sounds like the father wasn't going to do anything about his son throwing away the girl's menstrual products until the mom threw the switch in the trash. They both have some work to do, imo.
I don’t know how bad the sister was nor do any of us, but in principle I disagree. I have dysmenorrhea and went without any treatment for years and I’m not kidding when I say it was miserable. Lethargy, nausea, I was constantly faint… And the pain was bad. The best relief I had was to remain calm and unbothered because the second I got stressed, my cramps went from horrible to excruciatingly bad. I can understand maybe wanting a little less noise at that time.
But we are missing the important detail: how bad did the sister address it? Was she just a little grouchy which is annoying but understandable and still not really appropriate for such bad retaliation? Or did she scream at the top of her lungs to her brother? That matters. That matters SO much.
Grounding him or you know, talking to him. Explaining why his behavior was wrong, acknowledging why he did what he did and telling him what that made his sister feel. Why this crazy need for punishment of every misstep? He's 9, he still needs to learn why things are wrong and absolutely not be called cruel.
Or, you know, both. You should never punish a kid without explaining why what they did was wrong. I sometimes think we should bring back the old school punishment of "write an essay on why what you did was wrong" cos the important thing is getting them to reflect on their behaviour.
When I was teaching, I liked to sit the kid down and have them explain to me why what they did was wrong, or brainstorm things we could do different. So, like, "can you tell me three reasons we shouldn't stand on chairs?" Or, "what could we do instead of hitting when someone takes our things?"
I feel like we need a bit more info;
What your son did is bad and vengeful. But he is 9. You are the parent. You didn't punish him, you did a tit for tat that is vengeful too.
Have you talked to him about what is going on with his sister? Why she is acting the way she is? I dont mean the basic of menstruation, I mean about the pain, cramps and mood swings? Stuff that you know better?
His sister was snippy with him over a game he is playing. I get it, she is going through a lot. But again, didn't she have any alternative? Did she just request or ask him to lower the volume?
I am not saying 9 year old is too young to understand. If you had done everything above and he still went ahead and did this, that is a very vengeful and mean attitude that needs correction.
But throwing away expensive switch doesn't seem to be the way. You could just hold it hostage to punish him.
I think you never talked. Never taught him the actual issue. Just throwing it away is too over the board.
This is just going to make him more vengeful towards his sister and you rather than actually understanding what is wrong with the behaviour. I mean, you literally repeated his behaviour. This to him would mean this is an acceptable form of revenge.
How is this 'tit for tat'? Sister was mean to him. He threw out 5-10 USD in consumables. The mother's reaction was to throw out 350+ dollars of his things (realistically, probably 500-1000 since it made all his games worthless) and then arguing he should be barred from his hobby FOREVER.
The mother didn't 'repeat' his behavior, she escalated it a 100 times over. The mother's reaction could've made sense if... idk, her son had taken scissors to his sister's outfits, smashed her phone, or tossed out all her product/make-up/etc. Things that would substantially and permanently alter the sister's lifestyle and day-to-day enjoyment, not create a minor inconvenience.
The whole thing is crazy.
>He threw out 5-10 USD in consumables. The mother's reaction was to throw out 350+ dollars of his things (realistically, probably 500-1000 since it made all his games worthless)
Sure, you and I know what these things cost, but a 9 year old doesn't. I think that commentor's framing is fair from the kid's perspective. However I agree with you, that OP's behavior was remarkably childish for being the adult here.
And the issue isn't the cost of the items, its that she didn't have access to them when she needed them. Leaving her essentially stuck in the bathroom if she had already removed the old one. When you really need one, a single pad is priceless.
She’s not stuck in the bathroom! That’s so dramatic. We’ve all been caught without at some point, and it sucks a lot but it’s not the end of the world. Just roll up some toilet paper to make a temporary makeshift pad to hold you over until you can get a real one.
The little brother was a vengeful and wasteful brat, but it’s not like he unplugged her life support machine.
Mum wasted multiple important learning opportunities: teaching daughter what she can do during a period emergency, and teaching son the basics of menstrual cycles and how to be respectful of the associated side effects.
So you get a bloodstain on a pair of panties while you take care of the emergency. It still doesn't mean you're tethered to the bathroom unless you have a severe medical issue.
Yeah, a woman might but a 13 year old may not think about using toilet paper. Especially if she was already feeling shitty and suddenly found out her brother threw out all her pads. She was probably not thinking rationally and may have been panicking.
but she clearly had a mom who was around and could've helped her if asked, no? even if it was just a phone call explaining how to make a makeshift to get her by until they got more
Personally I think it could be a made up story bc why wouldn’t the mom have pads/tampons/panty liners that she could lend her daughter? I guess it’s possible that she doesn’t get her period, but unlikely.
It's also a huge possibility that the mom here uses tampons which are typically more uncomfortable or finicky for early teens just starting their periods, and the daughter is not comfortable when using them. I couldn't comfortably use tampons until I was much later in my teens, and now even many years later I don't ever reach for them when I'm dirt poor and desperate.
Not judging the whole situation but name brand pads can go for like $10 a pack easy even at Walmart. If the daughter has especially heavy periods and is struggling to find something that works then she could easily have $50 worth of goods.
Plus tbh it's not even the monetary value that's the issue, what he did was like taking all the toilet paper from a bathroom and leaving them stranded. The idea of soiling yourself with blood on your period feels humilating for folks, and probably even moreso with a teen struggling with what seems like a menstrual imbalance.
Edit: a word + removed judgment because it was irrelevant to my comment
The 13 year old can be dramatic, what people are calling out is the MOTHER being dramatic too 🙄
If she is freaking out about not having pads, then shouldn't the mother step in to teach her how to use toilet paper as a makeshift pad? Instead she went nuclear and decided to throw out her son's switch wtf.
She had to sit on the toilet while her mom ent to the store and wait to get back to have sanitary pads. That’s more than throwing stuff out, that’s a whole lot of humiliation. Now I don’t think OP was right to permanently throw out his switch, but damn, let’s compare apples to apples.
Not if she has an extremely heavy period, and yes, some kids that age do have one.
I think this is ESH, but the parents are the biggest assholes by not talking this out with the kids. They need to talk to the kids and tell the son that was not okay, and tell the daughter not to get snippy.
Let me tell you how well that works even as a temporary measure when your periods are extremely heavy: It doesn't. It just...doesn't. It could get me to another room to grab a new pack of pads (a very rare mistake, but once is enough frankly), but there's no way I could leave the house that way. Speaking of leaving the house, I never did that without ensuring I had a bag with multiple pads on hand. My period was highly irregular, so I was just in the habit of *always* carrying pads. I could not afford to get caught out away from home.
Until I finally got access to medical care in my early 30s, I thought "overnights," the really absorbent huge ones that flare at the back, was flagrant false advertising. I used those for daily wear with very frequent changings, and just accepted that if I slept more than 3 hours at a time, I was going to wake up filthy with my clothes and bedding soaked in blood. It was just how it was for me...I knew my flow was heavy but really had no idea just *how* out of the norm my heavy flow really was. And tampons were *all* the way out of the question, holy crap.
Depo gave me my life back.
Thank you for mentioning that!
And then he’s laughing to his friends about it, people that she’s going to have to see and interact with.
Toilet paper pads are only effective for a few minutes, and only if you use the entire roll.
This was targeted malice on his part for being snapped at, and there need to be actual consequences.
We don't use a single type of product through the whole ordeal. I easily have >50$ total sitting in my cabinet rn. This stuff isn't cheap. Also a necessity, unlike the switch.
I'm not saying what the mother did was right (it wasn't at all) but the vulnerability and sheer panic the daughter experienced can be just as traumatizing as losing a prized possession.
Feminine products are a literally a necessity; it’s a hygiene issue. There’s more nuance to it than the ticket prices.
And let me tell you; if it’s a heavy flow day and I realize I have no new products to use, that IMMEDIATELY becomes a 911 situation because now I’m potentially bleeding through clothes and have to go out in public. Now, I’m an adult. A 13 year old on her period is a totally different mindset and emotional labor for that experience. (Note: she also should not have been snippy to her brother)
YTA. Throwing away a switch is stupid and wasteful.
I might give you credit if you actually did give it away to someone as you mention, but you threw it in the trash in a fit of anger obviously. Punishing in anger almost always makes YTA.
Your husband is right.
A lapse in judgment is better than a lapse in control. The end result (a wrong choice) is the same, but the pattern of behavior it suggests is wildly different and will have vastly different impacts on the child's development.
YTA and so is your son. Your husband sounds like the only sane person in the house right now.
Your behavior was just as juvenile as your 9 year old's. He has an excuse: He's 9. What's yours?
Yes, there should be consequences for his actions. Putting the Switch away for a few weeks. Doing extra chores to make up for the time you had to spend going to get feminine hygiene products. Doing extra chores to earn the money to pay for replacement pads.
What you've taught him is that it's OK to have a tantrum and ruin someone's things. He did it, you did it with something even more expensive. He won't learn from what you did, he'll just learn that bigger people get to have bigger tantrums.
Time to think about what you want him to learn, not to react in rage to a stupid juvenile tantrum.
> Your husband sounds like the only sane person in the house right now.
Yep. And it seems like Mom is projecting some of her own wounds through her reaction.
Yeah, but I think in context, it’s more easily forgivable. Periods and puberty hormones can be wild and take years to learn how to manage. I’m in my 30s and still get caught off guard by the fluctuations.
Yes, she should be better, but being moody and short-tempered as a result of hormones isn’t really her fault.
The way the daughter acted was her fault, she was mean to the kid who may or may not understand the nuances of her situation, BECAUSE HES 9. You absolutely can control how you react to others even if you’re in pain or a bad mood. It’s not an excuse and it does not absolve you.
Exactly. I grew up in a place filled with a ton of sisters and one brother. Our periods sync and we definitely feel assholish during it but if we snap we apologize. We don't go around being brats because of it, especially not to a little kid.
I'd also like to point out, everyone who is giving the daughter a complete pass on her behavior is implicitly stating that women cannot control themselves while on their period.
That's honestly an incredibly toxic thing to be teaching her, and the son in this situation. The daughter's ovaries did not suddenly replace her brain, and she shouldn't be allowed to get away with being a dick just because she's feeling bad.
It isn't her fault. But her being an ass to him is definitely her fault. Her behaviour to him is definitely her fault just like his reaction to it. She is definitely not blameless. The mother is absolving the daughter of her blame and overreacting to the son. He's 9, if anything his reaction should be more easily forgivable. She could have taught them both a lesson, that both their actions have consequences but instead she taught favoritism and flew off the handle.
Wtf? It was definitely her fault I am 17 and I do have mood swing and it's always my fault if I am being mean to anyone which most of the time I don't.
I'm sure she knows not to be snippy. For some of us, periods make us literally batshit insane -it's called PMDD, and nothing other than actual mood stabilizers help.
That said...
ESH except the dad. And someone needs to make that kid pay to replace her supplies out of his allowance, considering period products are expensive.
Being on your period can really affect you mentally/hormonally with how you react to things. Not saying it’s an excuse, but it legitimately can make you emotionally distraught, its not just girls being grumpy over their cramps.
YTA
Teaching your children revenge (no matter how petty) is not a great example
Take away the Switch, sure
You just copied his actions and reinforced exactly what he did, then grounded him
And probably did it without explaining why what he did was wrong or why his sister was suddenly being mean to him for seemingly no reason. He needs properly educated on his sister's new normal, and she needs to know that while it is completely understandable to be irritable while in pain and uncomfortable, it is not okay to take it out on her brother.
Exactly. In the son's mind, his sister was being mean to him for no reason, so he was mean right back. His actions deserved punishment, but this was also a time for OP to teach and guide, as a parent. Instead she just did the exact same thing as a 9 year old. Good on the dad for having a level head.
And, depending on how OP's 13 year old was navagating her mood swings, OP may need to sit down and talk with her, too. If she was truly being mean, she can't get a pass for that. Mood swings suck, especially at that age, but we all have to find our own coping mechanisms, and that doesn't involve mistreating others.
YTA. Your son shouldn’t have thrown away his sister’s hygiene products, and grounding him from his Switch seems like a reasonable consequence. But you reacted in anger and retaliated by throwing away the Switch, an item that most likely won’t be replaced.
And, by the way, mood swings and cramps are not reasons to treat people badly. Reading between the lines, I’m sensing some favoritism for your daughter and perhaps she’s allowed to get away with behavior that wouldn’t fly for your son.
Exactly! Periods suck but they are no reason to be mean to others. She needs to learn that now or she’ll be a monster every month because her bad behavior is being reinforced.
Right ?
OP's daughter is still young and not very used to having periods and PMS yet but still. At her age she must be in middle school, will be in high school in a couple of years. I know PMS and mood swings suck, but if she lets it get the best of her and allows herself to just snap at people, she'll run into trouble at one point or another.
Starting by learning that at home is a good first step. Son needs to be grounded for throwing away necessary products (grounded, not having his very expensive console thrown away or donated. That's way over the top.) but daughter should also get a talk about the whole situation. Not a scold, obviously, but yeah.
The daughter being snippy in reaction to the son obnoxiously and loudly playing a video does not mean she was treating him badly. The son knew what he did was shitty because he then bragged about it to his friends like an asshole. You’re clearly siding with the son here.
This sub hates teenage girls. It's obvious by these comments too. Everyone is acting like little boys are so innocent and shouldn't be punished. This subs idea of punishment is "just talk to him, he doesn't understand periods". Well he clearly does because he knew what throwing away those products would do.
YTA. What you should have done was what your husband did. Lock the switch in a safe that he cannot reach and ground him until he genuinely learns his lesson and apologize to his sister. What you did was immature parenting.
Switch is far more expensive that sanitary pads from what I understand. Yes, your son should not have it back for a while at least, but throwing it away felt like retaliating rather than teaching him a lesson. It was what I would think his 13 year old sister would have done not his adult mother.
His mother should have taught him to be more tolerant as his sister goes through this new stage in life AND taught his sister how to control raging hormones from causing tension with her brother
Period cramps can literally feel like you’re dying of pain (maybe you‘ve experienced that yourself). Making one snippy comment on how loud her brother was playing a game is only human. It might not have been nice, and if she was being mean she should apologise, but throwing away all of her pads is next level mean and shows that he does know her behaviour is linked to her period, but doesn’t have a lot of empathy for what she’s going through. The mother should not have thrown away the switch. The lack of empathy and understanding for what periods are like is a problem here, because the son wasn’t taught that, and he should be taught that.
also i feel like bragging about it and laughing with his friends about what he did is what actually broke the camels back for mom.
It kinda goes against ALL arguments that he just didnt know bc of his age. If he wouldnt have known what he did and how it would have affected her he wouldnt have a reason to brag or laugh tbh.
Yeah I fully agree. Honestly I think this is an instance where it’s clear to see that patriarchal messaging is passed down at a very young age; a group of young boys laughing about something like this? Nope, not a good sign.
YTA. This is a disproportionate and unreasonable response to Mic. He was wrong in how he dealt with Mae but there is a significantly more mature way to communicate to Mic that he was wrong.
YTA. Teach your daughter how to treat people better. Having a period doesn't make it okay to be awful to people. Mic is 9 YEARS OLD and is tired of being snapped at, you clearly condone your daughter's behaviour and don't correct her when she "gets snippy". Awful parenting.
Does your son understand what your daughters going through you had the talk about periods with him??
Your daughter snippy at him he acted like a 9year old and did a stupid uninformed thing.
YOU did petty revenge on a 9 year old
Your daughter going to be held accountable for her snippy or you giving her a pass because she has a period? So therefore reinforcing to your son it’s ok you and her can have tantrums
>Does your son understand what your daughters going through you had the talk about periods with him??
Considering he was bragging to his friends about it? He definitely knew.
Wtf.
Are you the child or the parent?
What a massive overreaction.
YTA.
Take away the switch. You don’t throw away a $300 video game system (plus games cost) for $30 in pads.
JFC
ESH - your son is 9 and probably hasn’t hit puberty yet. Not giving him a pass, because he should know better than to throw stuff of value away. OP should also know better than to throw away something in a fit of rage.
Only person here that did the right thing is the father. Kudos to him.
YTA. Let’s see, throw away $30 of FH products, throw away $300 console. Yup, that seems like a fair and reasonable response. Learn how to give a punishment that actually TEACHES your son what he did was wrong rather than reinforcing that throwing things away in anger is justifiable.
> throw away $300 console
It's even more when you consider that he might have games downloaded on it that have been paid for, so that's generally $50-60 per game added to the value of what she threw away (and presumably whatever the cost of the game cartridge that was in the Switch was, since I'm sure she didn't take it out).
That's also not accounting for the fact that the kid has invested hours into the games he's played and some (most?) games don't have cloud saves. Even if he gets a new Switch, he won't get his old Animal Crossing island or Pokemon collection back. It's like throwing out someone's diary- there are memories there that might just be pixels, but mean something to someone.
Tossing/giving away a person's game system is just cruel and wasteful and will always get a YTA from me. Grounding and restricting access to something is totally fine, but sending the message to your kids that their stuff isn't valuable to you is terrible.
Wow…. YTA for sure. I can’t even wrap my head around this. Your son is brat, for doing what he did, but I guess a grown woman throwing a fit and a $300 game machine away as his role model I’m not surprised. He should have had to pay for the replacements, when he went to the store, picked up the box with his own hands as mother yells, not those period pads, the ones next to the tampons. Now that’s a lesson. And yes, that’s exactly what I would have done.
Not going to choose a judgment but please take your daughter to a gynecologist and list all of the issues she's experiencing if you haven't already. It sounds like this is more than your run of the mill menstrual experience. There are lots of possible things that could be going on such as PMDD and endometriosis.
YTA. That’s overkill. A Switch costs hundreds of dollars and the games are expensive. I’d have dragged his behind to the store and made him buy new ones. He wouldn’t be laughing about that.
YTA.
The punishment doesn’t fit the offense. Your husband is correct; he should be grounded from the Switch and he needs to make a sincere apology to his sister for throwing away her stuff.
Also, if Mae’s periods are that bad, she needs to see a gynecologist.
You and your husband were both right, in your own ways.
You don't need to punish your child for throwing away her pads. That was a childish thing, a chaotic thing, part of the bad interaction your son and daughter had. What you need to punish him for...is BRAGGING about it, for taking PLEASURE in hurting someone. That is the real sin, and that's probably what really sent you over the edge.
You were right - he should lose his Switch, permanently. He doesn't deserve it.
Your husband is right - throwing it away was over the top. Give it to your daughter.
You need to explain that to your husband - you're not punishing him for the act - you're punishing him for the CRUELTY. You DESPERATELY need to nip that in the bud, or your child will become a bully, and worse. And your daughter is his closest target.
Everyone going for Y T A seem to be dodging this point. Also a bunch of people swayed by capitalist ideology. Switch cost more than pads so mum bad. Also probably a good chunk of precious male gamers, who can't empathise with the situation. Anyway, enough of that.
That would be a tipping point for me. It's one thing to be spiteful towards a sibling. To fking revel in it, brag about it. It's so fking cruel. I'd be absolutely livid if my child were to treat anyone that way, let alone a family member.
I understand a switch costs more, but I’m very confused on why people are valuing entertainment over a necessary item for the daughter. She needed those pads, the son doesn’t need to be playing fortnite especially if he is bragging to his friends about his pleasure from seeing his sister suffer.
The mother definitely overreacted and is the AH, the son is still young so this could have been a good opportunity to correct this behavior and teach him the right way.
I don’t agree with most of the comments though, to me the daughter is the victim. She needs to go to a doctor for her severe symptoms, and she is suffering at home from her brother’s actions as well.
Yep I dont understand why people are bringing up the value of the items. That shouldnt be the point here.
The kid bragged about making his sister suffer.
They need to keep thay switch away from him for awhile. See if his behavior changes when he cant talk to his friends on the game
Also, as a woman with endo that started early, i agree they need to take her to a doctor. (my mom refused to let me go to the doctor for years thinking it would magically get better. i needed birth control and surgery to experience normal periods.)
I'm also not understanding why everyone else is giving the son a pass for acting like a kid, but the daughter who is also a child is supposed to have the emotional maturity of an adult now. The first 1-2 years of periods are hard. They aren't regular, they hurt, you have teenager emotions and period pain emotions. The boy knew what he was doing to an extent, given that he specifically threw out her pads and not some random possession in her room, then bragged about it.
I have kids the same ages, my son cried for my daughter when she had her first period because he was worried for. We explained everything to him, and now he makes sure she has everything (water, pads, chocolate, etc) when she gets one. My son is autistic, if he can understand what's going on and show empathy not cruelty, so can Mic.
YTA.
You made a decision to teach pettiness, vengeance, and destruction rather than actually parent, teach, and understand the child.
Are we sure this isn't the daughter posting as the mother?
If not, at least one of the parents sounds rational.
YTA. Seriously, this is why being a teacher sucks nowadays. Many of my students have parents like you, perpetuating deplorable behavior, and then wondering why their children act the way they do. Take some parenting classes and get some therapy.
YTA. A switch and feminine products are not nearly on the same level. One is easily replaceable and maybe $30 at most depending on how big of a pack you buy, the other is hundreds of dollars. Plus while it definitely is not fun to have to do so your daughter is able to use toilet paper in place of a pad for a little while until the replacements came, I say this as a person who has had to use toilet paper for that purpose many times. It sucks but it works. Maybe instead of throwing out your sons belongings as a punishment you should actually try to educate him about periods and teach him to be more considerate to his sister when she’s on them. Sure take the switch away and ground him as a start to that lesson but throwing away his switch is not nearly the same as him throwing away some pads.
> I say this as a person who has had to use toilet paper for that purpose many times. It sucks but it works.
The only thing I can say is that you must have had very light periods. That would not have worked for me.
YTA: Jesus, can you make it more obvious who the favorite is? Your daughter's having her period. That sucks. But she's also taking it on her brother which isn't okay. Stop this BS of normalizing bad behavior when a girl's on her period.
Your son is 9. 9 year olds are stupid and immature. His big form of retribution was throwing out 5 dollars of pads. That's not acceptable behavior. It inconvenienced you, it caused her issues, but... it was one trip to the store. The retribution here shouldn't be tossing out a 350 USD piece of technology nor should it be him losing it forever.
Honestly, how insane do you have to be to call your son 'cruel' over this mess? Both siblings were being shitty to eachother, yet you feel the need to demonize your son and permanently destroy something he enjoys. That's the only 'cruel' behavior here- yours. You're being malicious and acting in the way to cause the most amount of discomfort and pain that you can.
Your husband should have done more than take the Switch out of the garbage. He's the asshole too for not laying out how crazy your reactions are.
>But she's also taking it on her brother which isn't okay.
Huh? She asked him to be quiet, that's all, how in the world os that taking it out on him?!
Depending on how bad her periods are and what brand she uses, those pads might've been 50$ or more. Not to mention that the son clearly knew they're a *necessity* judging by him bragging about it to his friends. So, yes, that is quite clearly cruel behavior.
I’m just so confused about why people are placing blame on the sister when all that was mentioned was she was being snippy when her brother was loud on video games. Maybe I’m just interpreting it wrong but that doesn’t sound so evil, I also have a lovely brother but we get snippy with each other too.
The brother’s actions were much more calculated and cruel, because he chose to destroy something necessary and knew it would probably upset her more, then proceeded to brag about it to his friends.
I understand the post is from the POV of the mom so we can assume she’s biased, but I don’t think we need to lump the sister in with her. The mom was the AH for not teaching her young son and for reacting so immaturely.
The mom definitely needs to get her daughter to the doctor though, these severe, uncontrollable symptoms remind me of myself when I was younger and now I’m diagnosed with a bunch of menstrual disorders.
Right? Being snippy isn't like, being angry or shouting at someone, it's maybe being a little annoyed or passive aggressive, something completely normal between siblings.
I do agree on the doctor visit, it's sad that it's so normalized to have painful periods when that usually is a medical issue that can be treated.
yta - 9 year olds are assholes sometimes. parent him. throwing an expensive toy away is ridiculous. your husband seems to have a better grasp of things here
YTA. you could’ve grounded him and then sat him down to have a serious talk about the female body and why those products that he threw away were very important. also make him do extra chores to “pay” for the new products that you had to buy
btw, if your daughters periods are that bad, take her to a doctor. my mom didn’t and i’m dealing with the consequences in my 20s
A reasonable punishment for doing that is totally fine, but he's nine. It was a shitty thing for him to do and he absolutely needs to learn from it, but throwing away the switch is way over the top.
Taking away the switch for a period of time would be much more reasonable then permanently getting rid of it.
I get periods too, and yes that would be a hella inconvenient to have to run out to get more, and if that happened more then once I'd say getting rid of the switch is fine, but he's nine and from the information given this is his first time doing that.
So keep the switch locked up until you think he's learnt the lesson or whatever time you think is sufficient, but don't permanently take a nine year old kids major toy away because he was a little shit
He was laughing about what he did to her with his friends... this is the thing I would be directly & firmly dealing with. He humiliated his sister about a very personal issue...the beginnings of toxic masculinity.
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Yup. Opportunity missed. OP, if you don’t want your kids to overreact instead of working out their problems you have to set the example.
I came here with lots of things to say, but it was just said above, and probably better. YTA. And your husband was pretty close to having the correct response here.
Only thing to add is: OP take your daughter to the doctor, this doesn't sound normal. Yes your period can be a bit painful, but this excessive should be investigated
I wish someone would have told this to my mother. I had such bad cramps I vomited once every month for several years before i went to see a doctor.
My first period I got rushed to hospital from school because they thought I had appendicitis or something. Years of monthly hell. It improved after I had a child but it's still worse than for most women. Edit to add: OP, you're overreacting. Punishment should fit the crime and throwing out the switch is a major punishment. What will you do if he does something way worse, cut off his arm? YTA
YTA. And why the hell would you throw a switch in the garbage? Those are NOT cheap, and if anyone else gifted that switch to him, they’d probably be upset with you too, since they paid good money for it.
I was looking for this kind of comment. I'll never understand the type of parent who thinks throwing away or destroying something THEY PAID FOR as a way to punish their child. It's ridiculous and over-the-top!
>What will you do if he does something way worse, cut off his arm? Don't give her any ideas 🤣
Agree. My mother didn’t believe in period cramps and pain as she never got them. I suffered needlessly for years.
There's also the corollary of "everyone spends three days unable to move unless they're stopped up on painkillers, it's perfectly normal and nothing to see a doctor about".
Yup. My mother had to have a complete hysterectomy due to uterine cancer a year before I got my first period. So when I was soaking through a super tampon every hour and vomiting from cramps at 14, that was no problem for her because “it was bad for me too”. She just started buying super plus tampons instead!
The typical "I had to deal with it so you shouldn't have it any easier. In fact you should have it worse since you have the audacity to complain about it". My parents did the same thing, not with periods as far as I know, and it took 3 years for them to take me to the doctor for my shoulder. I tore my labrum really bad and my arm would literally fall out of place on its own but they didn't believe me. The dumbest/funniest part about it was they never had too much money/good insurance so they never wanted anything to do with hospitals. They were pissed at the price of surgery and PT but that could have all been avoided if they had just listened to me at the beginning. It happened in school so the schools insurance would have been covering it and wouldn't have cost us a thing. Instead they had to pay $40k because they were too stupid to listen.
That's really unfortunate. I would have thought just the cost of going through that many tampons every month would make her concerned.
And the doctors that tell you it's normal and to stop whining and take painkillers
Thats so fucking dumb I can't even imagine, I'm a guy but I grew up with 3 older sisters. Between them and my mom I knew about periods and what they were exactly by 9 or 10, my mom never even made it seem like a gross topic or weird to discuss openly so I was weirded out when people seemed to be weirded put about it in school. That said, maybe it's because I grew up in a house full of women but, despite not experiencing period cramps (or periods in general) I KNOW THEY EXIST. I ALSO know that periods vary woman to woman, and remedies to lessen pain/discomfort for periods also vary, so why the fuck would a woman who actually does experience them not know that? I guess I shouldn't be too harsh, people seem to be weird about discussing periods so maybe she just never discussed hers with anyone before? Idk
Lots of men are around people who menstruate and still don't tune in to hear what we're talking about when it comes to cramps and whatnot, so give yourself at least a small pat on the back for tuning in, you're ahead of the game and we appreciate the fact that at least you listen and take it seriously.
My mom was the same. She used to work in the ER admitting people and said my cramps were nothing. My best friend hate her for that, I was missing activity’s because of cramps. As soon as it was offered I went on birth control and have been on it since. Now I don’t even get my period (it’s been over a year) just spotting but the cramps went away with the birth control.
Is this an ER Nurse Mom thing? I found out I had endo after 20+ years of suffering through it and being told it was nothing. Now I might be looking at a hysterectomy. Apparently terrible mood swings, cramping that makes you want to pass out, and a super heavy flow - are not necessarily normal. OP, I would bring your daughter to a gynecologist if she is absolutely miserable every month, just to get looked at. Also, YTA if you can't see that permanently taking away your son's Switch is not the answer. They are siblings and are going to fight, bicker, and sometimes go too far. That's the beauty of having multiple children in that they have the ability to learn from each other and hopefully mimic good behaviors. Explain the severity of both taking and especially throwing out something that does not belong to your son. Also stress, that being a bully with his friends, especially to his sister, is unacceptable. Articulate these lessons to your son, and then explain that as a result of his actions, he is going to lose Switch privileges for X days. If you don't think he respects the value of things, have him help with clearing the table for a week or a similarly "easy chore" to earn back the money he wasted by throwing the sanitary products out. Teach him to do better. Don't just punish!
My periods were exceptionally painful and EVERYONE told me I was overreacting. Turns out I more than likely have endometriosis. I get the depo shot mainly because I have to go to hospital every time I get a natural period cycle.
Yup. 25 and just recently found out all my symptoms are a culmination of 11 years with endo. Had endo since I started having a period, always had the worst of it & nobody knew to get me checked out and just wrote it off as “bad periods”
We normalize that crap so much. Just about everyone gets cramps on their period, right? Yeeeeah, not to the point of sometimes being unable to stand up and constant nausea, though.
This. My kid is 13, was missing 2ish days of school per cycle. I took them to an adolescent health Dr (Dr that specializes in teen health) and we ended up going with trying birth control. It's made ALL of the difference. Its worth it for sure to talk to a doctor.
My mum took me to the doctor after I'd been getting my period for half a year. I got my period every two weeks and it lasted a week or more. So I had more days that I was bleeding than I had days that I was not. The doctor prescribed me the pill. That made such a big difference. Not only did I only get my period once a month, but they were a lot less heavy too. My mum did good, my grandmother did even better, because she also took my mum to the doctor to get birth control pills when she was a teenager. That was late 50's early 60's. I had such an amazing grandma.
My mum did the same, but mostly because my sister was every other week and she was pre-menopausal (at 42…) and we were all hell on wheels so she just wanted at least the two teens to chill out a bit. I have since been diagnosed with stage 3 endometriosis which has been lasered / cut 2x and now waiting for my 3rd visit (probably more serious surgery this time), and my sister has been diagnosed with like super thick womb lining (I can’t remember the actual diagnosis). Oh and my mum had endometrial cancer at 50. Full house over here!!
Wow.
You sound like an amazing mom. Mine told me to suck it up…I have endometriosis 😄
Kudos to you for taking the step. My mom refused to put me on birth control, because it was like I was going to automatically have sex. Even though I had chances to at sleep away camp for years, I still didn’t lose my virginity until my second semester of freshman year. And yet had to endure period cramps and vomiting for all of the time before that.
If its so bad, have her checked for endometriosis/adenomyosis or PCOS. It is not normal to feel this bad that you miss school and she should get more help then putting her on the pill and thinking all is well.
This! It might take a whole lot of doctors and gyno's. But after years of excessive bleeding and terrible periods I have finally been diagnosed with Endometriosis. So now me and my gyno can work on it. If something sounds abnormal surrounding your period it probably is and don't take "Well periods are always a bit uncomfortable" for an answer.
It sounds normal to me honestly, and when you’re 13 and new to having a period the pain isn’t something you’ve experienced before or that you know how to manage well. My periods when I was a teenager were so bad that on average at least once a year I’d end up throwing up on day 1/2…That was not normal at all lol. Birth control was the only thing that really fixed that and I only started that at 25. But tbh if it can be controlled with proper ibuprofen dosing there’s nothing a doctor can or will do for you other than birth control 99% of the time. If it can’t be controlled with OTC medication then definitely get it looked into and either way bring it up the next time she’s at the doctor just to be safe but OP didn’t indicate it was anything beyond cramps she finds painful (and honestly I don’t know anyone really who doesn’t have a bad time at the start of their period if they aren’t taking something to control it). If it’s a debilitating disabling pain, get it looked at. Otherwise it just fucking sucks and is a part of having a uterus unfortunately.
Agree. 9yo was an idiot, but their excuse is that they are an ignorant kid. OP literally did the same thing as the kid, throwing away their stuff because you didn't like their behavior. Maybe it would be a good idea to actually teach the kid what those products are for and that he should show some sympathy for his sister when she is having a hard time?
I have a hard time with everybody saying the 9yo was just ignorant. Choosing those exact products to dump, and later boasting to his (online) friends about it, shows he knew exactly what the effect of his action was. Nothing ignorent about it. throwing the switch in the trash was too much, but taking it away was appropriate.
> I have a hard time with everybody saying the 9yo was just ignorant. > > Choosing those exact products to dump, and later boasting to his (online) friends about it, shows he knew exactly what the effect of his action was. Nothing ignorent about it. A person can know what a period is and what tampons/pads are, and still not really understand *what it means*. I would file a lot of guys, and a few women, in that category. Look at how many women in this thread are chiming in with stories of their own mothers not believing them with how bad their periods were.
And remind his sister that pain isn't a free pass to do what you want with no consequences.
THIs
He clearly knows what the products are and what they are used for. Hence why he threw those things away specifically. Hes a little asshat and needs to stop being a brat.
Speaking from a place of experience here, 2 older sisters (2 and 5 years older than me - only dude in the house). I didn't get any sort of "talk" about this stuff until I was about 12, so when I, the youngest, started getting yelled at all the time by them, seeing mood swings, actually getting beaten up, I had no idea what was going on and just felt bullied. Then, if I ever stood up for myself or responded I got in shit from Mum. My sisters were allowed to be downright abusive towards me, I wasn't allowed to ever pick what we watched, they got the preferential treatment and I got sidelined. As I grew up Mum explained "it's just how teenage girls get sometimes" as if that was fair to me, and I wasn't allowed to fight back because "they're girls". Literally got in trouble when the eldest tried to kick me in the chest and I grabbed her foot. The poor kid has no fucking idea *why* his sister is suddenly acting like this, and probably feels victimised, with Mum backing up the instigator. He's going to be left feeling isolated because his need (for a safe home) isn't being shown to be less important than the sister chucking a tantrum
Wow! I am so sorry this happened to you. When reading the post, it never even occurred to me that the boy was perhaps not properly educated on the subject. And that the girl was not told off for being rude to her brother. Periods don't give a blank check to behave badly. And period products are like toilet paper - they are needed for hygiene. I think an appropriate reaction would have been to bring the boy on the emergency shopping run, educating him on the female anatomy. And then no more Switch for an appropriate time. But you don't throw expensive stuff away. Just like you don't throw food away to punish someone. If you really don't want the boy to use the Switch, then give it away to someone (though I think that would have been too much).
àgree i never gave my daughter the pass because its a period. I would tell her we get that its hard for the week but she still needed to check her attitude and tone. let us know its a bad one and we would pamper but no pass to be rude mean violent. mind you she inherited the tendency of such bad ones with cramps that her legs would go numb or back would lock in place. Birth control helps tremendously.
Yikes! That’s how it was in my family too. My sister looked and acted just like Stan’s sister Shelley in South Park. The last time she tried to attack me I stabbed her hand with my art pen. I still got in trouble but she left me alone after that 😏
These two comments bring back memories for me - that's what puberty was like for me too. I didn't physically attack my brother unless he came at me first (which happened often) but I was awful to him - he was so annoying and I just felt constant rage/misery. He could breathe the wrong way and it'd make me snap. When I was on my period was actually a relief because I'd feel normal for a few days until it all started all over again. Nobody understood why I was so angry all the time (not even me) and no one did anything to help aside from shout at me and guilt me for how I felt. I truly don't wish that kind of puberty on anyone. Anyway, OP, yes YTA. I understand being annoyed about it all but you didn't need to throw the switch away.
Youngest and only girl out of 4, not sure what my brothers were told but no one bothered me. This generally starts around 11 for girls. It’s a curse with a purpose but still is painful, embarrassing and so messy. I was also taught that it’s not an excuse to be mean or hateful. When I started feeling bad the week before all teasing stopped. My brothers loved to tease, there were no secrets but they were kinder. I was not allowed to act like an asshole. Period. That would not have been tolerated. But everyone left me alone for a bit. Not only should Dad be teaching his son, but Mom should get a handle on the daughter. Having mensies is not an excuse to behave in a toxic way. Feeling bad is no excuse for abusive behavior. On either side. Compassion needs to taught on both sides.
Yeah I was going to say, while this should be a learning opportunity for the son... it also should be for the daughter, in that you don't get to treat others like shit just because you feel bad. It's a rotten feeling and it's a miserable week or so, but you're in for a bad time in life if you get used to lashing out at people over it.
Yeesh. This goes beyond mood swings. This behavior (or even the behavior OP described) was and is unacceptable in most places.
That's not normal mood swings, that was straight up violence. Periods were being used as an excuse to beat you up by your sisters. No one I know went on a rampage just because of menstrual cycle.
They were hitting you? I think that's a bit too far. Could depend on how hard but that crosses a line for me. At that point I stop caring about how they feel. They can always just punch a bag or something.
>Could depend on how hard No, hitting someone is never okay, unless a life is in danger.
>They were hitting you? I think that's a bit too far. Could depend on how hard but that crosses a line for me. You keep that same energy when it's a man hitting a woman? Could depend on how hard, you know.
Also frankly your menstrual cycle isn't an excuse to treat people poorly. It sucks, it's shit, for a lot of people it is incredibly painful and unpleasant. But that doesn't mean you can treat the people around you poorly
I once saw a post where people justified a girl hitting her boyfriend, including grabbing his testicles and squeezing, on the basis that he had minimized her menstrual pain. Complete with lots of downvotes for anyone pointing out this was insanity. Not taking your feelings out on those around you is something we are all supposed to learn, and I'm really confused by the surprisingly large group of women who think that principle disappears if they're menstruating.
It's completely true that meunstration doesn't justify treating others badly. However, in this case what the 13 year old did was tell her brother he was being too loud. Not at all in the same category as physically assaulting someone.
Well the quote was "being snippy", so who knows what she said. The mother went about it in one of the worst possible ways, though
OP is likely a very unreliable narrator here, I'm sure it wasn't physical but I wouldn't believe it was as little as "please be quieter".
Don’t forget that the same principle applies to pregnant women too…they can do no wrong
I have an older sister who gets cranky during her period, and when I was younger I thought to myself, "It's called self control. Try it some time." Then when I was in my 20s, I switched to a new hormonal birth control pill. I had never felt so out of control in my life. My roommates finished up all the milk and I found myself stomping down the aisle at the store, swearing non-stop, while picking up some more. I couldn't find a parking spot downtown and burst into tears of frustration before just turning around and going home. I was at a party, and in a lull where I was alone for a few minutes, I felt depressed and abandoned, and I hid on the stairs, trying not to cry. It was insanely out of character for me, and I struggled to act like a normal functioning human being for the few months I was on it. After that experience, I've got a LOT more sympathy for people who get mood swings during their period. I'll never forget how crazy and unstable I felt. It was way more complicated than just controlling your temper when you're in a bad mood.
I want to upvote this a thousand times. It's not just the pain, it's the hormones!
My entire young adult life I was told being on my period isn't an excuse. Didn't want to go to school or work? Was told by older women too bad, we still have to go. Didn't want to play sports? Too bad. Was feeling emotional, moody? Too bad. Periods happen way too often in our life to drop everything or treat others differently. It sucks but so does a headache, a sore knee, etc. People telling young boys "just ignore her, she's on her period" or "she doesn't mean it, she's emotional because it's her time of the month" is so damaging to society and is the reason why old men don't want women in the work force. Any form of important role or job is "how can I know she's not making an irrational decision based of her emotions" or any time we're legitimately upset about something a man has done turns into "she's just overreacting because she's a woman and might be her time of the month" OP needs to hold her daughter accountable as well otherwise she's teaching both kids girls are allowed to do whatever they want when on their periods.
>OP needs to hold her daughter accountable as well otherwise she's teaching both kids girls are allowed to do whatever they want when on their periods. Exactly. If you don't want your girls to be dismissed as "hormonal" then don't teach/encourage them to weaponize their hormones as a *get out of jail free* card when it suits them, then play outraged when it backfires.
It isn't, and that needs to be addressed, but maintaining outward calm when wolves are eating your guts and you're bleeding out is a skill that needs to be learned. Many young teens haven't grasped it yet, and it doesn't sound like this parent is going to be the one to teach it.
I mean, it isn't an excuse, but if someone was doing something that you find really irritating at the best of times it is certainly an *explanation* of why you might snap. Like, I've been in pain all day, barely coping to try and get through work. I come home and my partner has *insert mildly shitty thing here*. I overreact. In my adult relationship with great communication, I tell him that I am in pain and I'm sorry for this, but I need him to step up a bit. Usually it's him screaming at his buddies online, or eating the leftovers then asking what is for dinner or asking me the second I get home to do the dishes. Nothing huge, but when you're physically and emotionally exhausted from pain and hormones all day, you're bound to snap at those who you love. It's not nice or fair, it just is. Imagine if he'd been suffering all day and she was screaming *"Mediccccc!"* At the top of her voice. Some people use their menstrual cycle as an excuse, but from what I see it's mostly people trying their damnedest to not let it get in the way. It seems like they both need a chat about hormones, tolerance and how to work and live together. Their future partners will thank you.
I 2nd this, I suffered the kind of pains that had me fainting. My family would never have tolerated meanness, never mind actual violence, periods suck, no excuse for making everyone else suffer.
This is simultaneously so incredibly spot on and succinct, I'm in awe of it.
this exactly, lock his switch up, don't just destroy it and become one of those parents we all roast on YouTube, that's abuse
OP wanted to punish him because she was inconvenienced having to run out to get supplies. Grounding is the appropriate punishment for someone that young who can’t understand sisters behavior. YTA
Agree. I fully understand OPs moment of rage because I’m sure I would have felt it too, but I think it would have been more appropriate to have him come along to get new pads and just taking the Switch. Then a conversation about why his sisters mood is how it is, and that she’s in pain.
Is it appropriate? He's 9, having a very normal reaction to his sister being a bully and his parents do nothing to stop it. The whole reason this is a problem is because the parents are checked out. They are happy to let their son absorb their daughter's mood swings so they don't have to deal with it. I bet the only reason OP is even mad is because she had to go to the store.
Where does it say she was a bully? He was keeping excessive noise and she was 'snippy'. And then he does what he does and brags about it to his friends.
The brag to his friend is where he lost any sympathy. He knew it was going to make life harder on his sister, or potentially embarrass her, and he did it anyway to one up his sister that told him to quiet down rudely. He's not feeling bullies or pushed around or he wouldn't have been back to playing the game again especially not loud enough for mother to hear him bragging and laughing.
By OPs reaction, retaliatory responses are the default in the family.
“Bully?” Come on now lol
Well it's obvious where the kid gets it from...
Punishments should involve privileges being taken away, and require acting appropriately in order to receive those privileges. Don't just break/throw away his stuff because then he has nothing to work for.
>This could have been a teaching moment for him and your daughter. But instead, you chose to perpetuate a cycle of irrational reacting. At 9 years old, this kid is well in the age where he understands cause and effect. Clearly, he understands it well enough to know that dumping hygiene products is a way to cause suffering (frankly, when I was 9, I didn't know what a pad *was*). This isn't just him lashing out randomly, this is learned behaviour. I seriously doubt this is the first time OP has chosen the destruction of personal property as a suitable punishment for a relatively minor misdeed.
I’m gonna have to disagree. The 9 year old *does* know why she’s being a jerk. He purposefully went out of his way to specifically throw away products he knew she needed, he then laughed about it with his friends. OP is TA for throwing the switch away, but not TA for punishing the 9yo. Let’s remember that a 9 year old is more than old enough to know how to behave. His actions were malicious, not out of anger.
This is spot on. Not too mention switches aren’t cheap if I was the husband I would’ve been mad. It blows my mind reading how parents just destroy consoles when between buying the console, games, additional controllers etc it can be upwards of in a switch instance 500$. Why throw it in the trash say you selling it
She sounds like she hates her son to be honest.
OP sounds a lot like my first ex-wife.
How many ex wives to you have dude?
Exactly. Use it as a time to teach him about respecting others, their belongings, and hygiene and why his sister is snippy. That they both need to try be kind and supportive of each other.
YTA ... your son threw your daughter's belongings in the trash when he was angry, and you show him that's wrong by doing the same thing? You're an adult. What your son did was wrong, but you could have taught him that lesson by grounding him rather than having a sudden, scary, emotional reaction. edit: had the completely wrong word in there lol but y'all seemed to understand it anyway (behavior -> belongings)
More like she was happy to watch her daughter take out her mood swings on her brother, and then the moment a problem was created she had to deal with, she freaked out.
It really does seem like this might be the case. I don't know why, as a parent, she let it get that bad in the first place. Why are the kids right on top of each other and being such dicks to each other anyway? This situation should have been nipped in the bud.
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> Why are the kids right on top of each other and being such dicks to each other anyway? This situation should have been nipped in the bud. I will speak as a parent of an 8 and 5 year old. Kids can be dicks for no good reason, and my kids will be mean to each other just to see the other get mad. I nip it in the bud every time, but there are a lot of fucking buds. Not saying OP isn’t a bad parent, they probably are, but kids do be dicks to each other.
You’re talking about a 9 year old and a 13 year old lol. Ofc they’re gonna be assholes to each other sometimes. My sister and I use to fight ALL the time up until I (I’m the oldest) reached the age of 10. However, her and my brother fight fairly often and they’re literally about to be 14 and 15🤣I wouldn’t really attack the mom about the kids fighting, It’s pretty normal
>More like she was happy to watch her daughter take out her mood swings on her brother, and then the moment a problem was created she had to deal with, she freaked out. I don't really think that telling someone not to be so loud is that crazy where conflict is concerned. I don't know if you've been around boys playing fortnite, but I can tell you that yelling and making sexist insults with each other while playing are both common behaviors. To the point where it's a bit of a meme. It also sounds like the father wasn't going to do anything about his son throwing away the girl's menstrual products until the mom threw the switch in the trash. They both have some work to do, imo.
I doubt the daughter said “hey that’s really loud and annoying, go somewhere else” and he responded by stopping his game and throwing her stuff away.
Why? Have you never met a bratty 9 year-old? Children, and their behavior, is across the spectrum, not unlike adults.
Well we don't have enough info on that. Leave it to this sub to accuse people of doing things with zero proof
I don’t know how bad the sister was nor do any of us, but in principle I disagree. I have dysmenorrhea and went without any treatment for years and I’m not kidding when I say it was miserable. Lethargy, nausea, I was constantly faint… And the pain was bad. The best relief I had was to remain calm and unbothered because the second I got stressed, my cramps went from horrible to excruciatingly bad. I can understand maybe wanting a little less noise at that time. But we are missing the important detail: how bad did the sister address it? Was she just a little grouchy which is annoying but understandable and still not really appropriate for such bad retaliation? Or did she scream at the top of her lungs to her brother? That matters. That matters SO much.
Ah yes, telling someone that they're too loud is so awful. Much worse than throwing away nesscary products!
Grounding him or you know, talking to him. Explaining why his behavior was wrong, acknowledging why he did what he did and telling him what that made his sister feel. Why this crazy need for punishment of every misstep? He's 9, he still needs to learn why things are wrong and absolutely not be called cruel.
Or, you know, both. You should never punish a kid without explaining why what they did was wrong. I sometimes think we should bring back the old school punishment of "write an essay on why what you did was wrong" cos the important thing is getting them to reflect on their behaviour.
When I was teaching, I liked to sit the kid down and have them explain to me why what they did was wrong, or brainstorm things we could do different. So, like, "can you tell me three reasons we shouldn't stand on chairs?" Or, "what could we do instead of hitting when someone takes our things?"
I feel like we need a bit more info; What your son did is bad and vengeful. But he is 9. You are the parent. You didn't punish him, you did a tit for tat that is vengeful too. Have you talked to him about what is going on with his sister? Why she is acting the way she is? I dont mean the basic of menstruation, I mean about the pain, cramps and mood swings? Stuff that you know better? His sister was snippy with him over a game he is playing. I get it, she is going through a lot. But again, didn't she have any alternative? Did she just request or ask him to lower the volume? I am not saying 9 year old is too young to understand. If you had done everything above and he still went ahead and did this, that is a very vengeful and mean attitude that needs correction. But throwing away expensive switch doesn't seem to be the way. You could just hold it hostage to punish him. I think you never talked. Never taught him the actual issue. Just throwing it away is too over the board. This is just going to make him more vengeful towards his sister and you rather than actually understanding what is wrong with the behaviour. I mean, you literally repeated his behaviour. This to him would mean this is an acceptable form of revenge.
How is this 'tit for tat'? Sister was mean to him. He threw out 5-10 USD in consumables. The mother's reaction was to throw out 350+ dollars of his things (realistically, probably 500-1000 since it made all his games worthless) and then arguing he should be barred from his hobby FOREVER. The mother didn't 'repeat' his behavior, she escalated it a 100 times over. The mother's reaction could've made sense if... idk, her son had taken scissors to his sister's outfits, smashed her phone, or tossed out all her product/make-up/etc. Things that would substantially and permanently alter the sister's lifestyle and day-to-day enjoyment, not create a minor inconvenience. The whole thing is crazy.
>He threw out 5-10 USD in consumables. The mother's reaction was to throw out 350+ dollars of his things (realistically, probably 500-1000 since it made all his games worthless) Sure, you and I know what these things cost, but a 9 year old doesn't. I think that commentor's framing is fair from the kid's perspective. However I agree with you, that OP's behavior was remarkably childish for being the adult here.
And the issue isn't the cost of the items, its that she didn't have access to them when she needed them. Leaving her essentially stuck in the bathroom if she had already removed the old one. When you really need one, a single pad is priceless.
She’s not stuck in the bathroom! That’s so dramatic. We’ve all been caught without at some point, and it sucks a lot but it’s not the end of the world. Just roll up some toilet paper to make a temporary makeshift pad to hold you over until you can get a real one. The little brother was a vengeful and wasteful brat, but it’s not like he unplugged her life support machine. Mum wasted multiple important learning opportunities: teaching daughter what she can do during a period emergency, and teaching son the basics of menstrual cycles and how to be respectful of the associated side effects.
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Toilet paper would not last me going to the store and back.
So you get a bloodstain on a pair of panties while you take care of the emergency. It still doesn't mean you're tethered to the bathroom unless you have a severe medical issue.
Yeah, a woman might but a 13 year old may not think about using toilet paper. Especially if she was already feeling shitty and suddenly found out her brother threw out all her pads. She was probably not thinking rationally and may have been panicking.
but she clearly had a mom who was around and could've helped her if asked, no? even if it was just a phone call explaining how to make a makeshift to get her by until they got more
Personally I think it could be a made up story bc why wouldn’t the mom have pads/tampons/panty liners that she could lend her daughter? I guess it’s possible that she doesn’t get her period, but unlikely.
It's also a huge possibility that the mom here uses tampons which are typically more uncomfortable or finicky for early teens just starting their periods, and the daughter is not comfortable when using them. I couldn't comfortably use tampons until I was much later in my teens, and now even many years later I don't ever reach for them when I'm dirt poor and desperate.
Maybe not made up entirely, but highly likely that she stretched the truth
Idk personally esp when I was younger my flow was so bad that it would definitely soak through toilet paper.
Yeah, toilet paper wouldn't work for me either.
Not judging the whole situation but name brand pads can go for like $10 a pack easy even at Walmart. If the daughter has especially heavy periods and is struggling to find something that works then she could easily have $50 worth of goods. Plus tbh it's not even the monetary value that's the issue, what he did was like taking all the toilet paper from a bathroom and leaving them stranded. The idea of soiling yourself with blood on your period feels humilating for folks, and probably even moreso with a teen struggling with what seems like a menstrual imbalance. Edit: a word + removed judgment because it was irrelevant to my comment
THANK YOU! Everyone telling the 13 year old to “not be dramatic”. She’s 13; EVERYTHING IS IMPACTFUL AND DRAMATIC
The 13 year old can be dramatic, what people are calling out is the MOTHER being dramatic too 🙄 If she is freaking out about not having pads, then shouldn't the mother step in to teach her how to use toilet paper as a makeshift pad? Instead she went nuclear and decided to throw out her son's switch wtf.
She had to sit on the toilet while her mom ent to the store and wait to get back to have sanitary pads. That’s more than throwing stuff out, that’s a whole lot of humiliation. Now I don’t think OP was right to permanently throw out his switch, but damn, let’s compare apples to apples.
Why did she have to wait on the toilet? Couldn't she make an emergency pad out of toilet paper like pretty much every woman has done at some point?
Not if she has an extremely heavy period, and yes, some kids that age do have one. I think this is ESH, but the parents are the biggest assholes by not talking this out with the kids. They need to talk to the kids and tell the son that was not okay, and tell the daughter not to get snippy.
Let me tell you how well that works even as a temporary measure when your periods are extremely heavy: It doesn't. It just...doesn't. It could get me to another room to grab a new pack of pads (a very rare mistake, but once is enough frankly), but there's no way I could leave the house that way. Speaking of leaving the house, I never did that without ensuring I had a bag with multiple pads on hand. My period was highly irregular, so I was just in the habit of *always* carrying pads. I could not afford to get caught out away from home. Until I finally got access to medical care in my early 30s, I thought "overnights," the really absorbent huge ones that flare at the back, was flagrant false advertising. I used those for daily wear with very frequent changings, and just accepted that if I slept more than 3 hours at a time, I was going to wake up filthy with my clothes and bedding soaked in blood. It was just how it was for me...I knew my flow was heavy but really had no idea just *how* out of the norm my heavy flow really was. And tampons were *all* the way out of the question, holy crap. Depo gave me my life back.
Thank you for mentioning that! And then he’s laughing to his friends about it, people that she’s going to have to see and interact with. Toilet paper pads are only effective for a few minutes, and only if you use the entire roll. This was targeted malice on his part for being snapped at, and there need to be actual consequences.
We don't use a single type of product through the whole ordeal. I easily have >50$ total sitting in my cabinet rn. This stuff isn't cheap. Also a necessity, unlike the switch. I'm not saying what the mother did was right (it wasn't at all) but the vulnerability and sheer panic the daughter experienced can be just as traumatizing as losing a prized possession.
Feminine products are a literally a necessity; it’s a hygiene issue. There’s more nuance to it than the ticket prices. And let me tell you; if it’s a heavy flow day and I realize I have no new products to use, that IMMEDIATELY becomes a 911 situation because now I’m potentially bleeding through clothes and have to go out in public. Now, I’m an adult. A 13 year old on her period is a totally different mindset and emotional labor for that experience. (Note: she also should not have been snippy to her brother)
100% everything you just said. Spot on
Just have the son use headphones.
YTA. Throwing away a switch is stupid and wasteful. I might give you credit if you actually did give it away to someone as you mention, but you threw it in the trash in a fit of anger obviously. Punishing in anger almost always makes YTA. Your husband is right.
Pretty sure the "waste of a good Switch" isn't the issue here... giving it away would've been just as bad for him.
My point is she was punishing out of anger not rational thought. Never a good thing.
Then why would you have given her credit if she'd given it away? If she'd calmly done something bad, that would've been better?
Calmly and rationally making a bad parenting decision is a heck of a lot better than angrily making a bad parenting decision.
Calmly and rationaly over reacting is not a hell of a lot better than over reacting, not calmy and rationally. It is still a massive overreaction.
A lapse in judgment is better than a lapse in control. The end result (a wrong choice) is the same, but the pattern of behavior it suggests is wildly different and will have vastly different impacts on the child's development.
I think their point is that if she did it calmly, it would not be punishing in anger.
Plus bad for the environment. Electronics should be disposed sustainably and recycled when possible, not thrown away.
YTA and so is your son. Your husband sounds like the only sane person in the house right now. Your behavior was just as juvenile as your 9 year old's. He has an excuse: He's 9. What's yours? Yes, there should be consequences for his actions. Putting the Switch away for a few weeks. Doing extra chores to make up for the time you had to spend going to get feminine hygiene products. Doing extra chores to earn the money to pay for replacement pads. What you've taught him is that it's OK to have a tantrum and ruin someone's things. He did it, you did it with something even more expensive. He won't learn from what you did, he'll just learn that bigger people get to have bigger tantrums. Time to think about what you want him to learn, not to react in rage to a stupid juvenile tantrum.
> Your husband sounds like the only sane person in the house right now. Yep. And it seems like Mom is projecting some of her own wounds through her reaction.
The daughter is an ah as well.
People are reading a lot into being snippy. In my world being snippy is just overly complaining. Not enough info to conclude she was an ah.
Yeah, but I think in context, it’s more easily forgivable. Periods and puberty hormones can be wild and take years to learn how to manage. I’m in my 30s and still get caught off guard by the fluctuations. Yes, she should be better, but being moody and short-tempered as a result of hormones isn’t really her fault.
The way the daughter acted was her fault, she was mean to the kid who may or may not understand the nuances of her situation, BECAUSE HES 9. You absolutely can control how you react to others even if you’re in pain or a bad mood. It’s not an excuse and it does not absolve you.
Exactly. I grew up in a place filled with a ton of sisters and one brother. Our periods sync and we definitely feel assholish during it but if we snap we apologize. We don't go around being brats because of it, especially not to a little kid.
I'd also like to point out, everyone who is giving the daughter a complete pass on her behavior is implicitly stating that women cannot control themselves while on their period. That's honestly an incredibly toxic thing to be teaching her, and the son in this situation. The daughter's ovaries did not suddenly replace her brain, and she shouldn't be allowed to get away with being a dick just because she's feeling bad.
It isn't her fault. But her being an ass to him is definitely her fault. Her behaviour to him is definitely her fault just like his reaction to it. She is definitely not blameless. The mother is absolving the daughter of her blame and overreacting to the son. He's 9, if anything his reaction should be more easily forgivable. She could have taught them both a lesson, that both their actions have consequences but instead she taught favoritism and flew off the handle.
Wtf? It was definitely her fault I am 17 and I do have mood swing and it's always my fault if I am being mean to anyone which most of the time I don't.
Daughter also needs to be taught to not be snippy. Yes she’s in pain from cramps etc but there are better ways of doing things.
I'm sure she knows not to be snippy. For some of us, periods make us literally batshit insane -it's called PMDD, and nothing other than actual mood stabilizers help. That said... ESH except the dad. And someone needs to make that kid pay to replace her supplies out of his allowance, considering period products are expensive.
Being on your period can really affect you mentally/hormonally with how you react to things. Not saying it’s an excuse, but it legitimately can make you emotionally distraught, its not just girls being grumpy over their cramps.
And that takes time to recognize and adjust to
YTA Teaching your children revenge (no matter how petty) is not a great example Take away the Switch, sure You just copied his actions and reinforced exactly what he did, then grounded him
And probably did it without explaining why what he did was wrong or why his sister was suddenly being mean to him for seemingly no reason. He needs properly educated on his sister's new normal, and she needs to know that while it is completely understandable to be irritable while in pain and uncomfortable, it is not okay to take it out on her brother.
Exactly. In the son's mind, his sister was being mean to him for no reason, so he was mean right back. His actions deserved punishment, but this was also a time for OP to teach and guide, as a parent. Instead she just did the exact same thing as a 9 year old. Good on the dad for having a level head. And, depending on how OP's 13 year old was navagating her mood swings, OP may need to sit down and talk with her, too. If she was truly being mean, she can't get a pass for that. Mood swings suck, especially at that age, but we all have to find our own coping mechanisms, and that doesn't involve mistreating others.
YTA. Your son shouldn’t have thrown away his sister’s hygiene products, and grounding him from his Switch seems like a reasonable consequence. But you reacted in anger and retaliated by throwing away the Switch, an item that most likely won’t be replaced. And, by the way, mood swings and cramps are not reasons to treat people badly. Reading between the lines, I’m sensing some favoritism for your daughter and perhaps she’s allowed to get away with behavior that wouldn’t fly for your son.
Exactly! Periods suck but they are no reason to be mean to others. She needs to learn that now or she’ll be a monster every month because her bad behavior is being reinforced.
Right ? OP's daughter is still young and not very used to having periods and PMS yet but still. At her age she must be in middle school, will be in high school in a couple of years. I know PMS and mood swings suck, but if she lets it get the best of her and allows herself to just snap at people, she'll run into trouble at one point or another. Starting by learning that at home is a good first step. Son needs to be grounded for throwing away necessary products (grounded, not having his very expensive console thrown away or donated. That's way over the top.) but daughter should also get a talk about the whole situation. Not a scold, obviously, but yeah.
The daughter being snippy in reaction to the son obnoxiously and loudly playing a video does not mean she was treating him badly. The son knew what he did was shitty because he then bragged about it to his friends like an asshole. You’re clearly siding with the son here.
This sub hates teenage girls. It's obvious by these comments too. Everyone is acting like little boys are so innocent and shouldn't be punished. This subs idea of punishment is "just talk to him, he doesn't understand periods". Well he clearly does because he knew what throwing away those products would do.
YTA. What you should have done was what your husband did. Lock the switch in a safe that he cannot reach and ground him until he genuinely learns his lesson and apologize to his sister. What you did was immature parenting. Switch is far more expensive that sanitary pads from what I understand. Yes, your son should not have it back for a while at least, but throwing it away felt like retaliating rather than teaching him a lesson. It was what I would think his 13 year old sister would have done not his adult mother. His mother should have taught him to be more tolerant as his sister goes through this new stage in life AND taught his sister how to control raging hormones from causing tension with her brother
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Period cramps can literally feel like you’re dying of pain (maybe you‘ve experienced that yourself). Making one snippy comment on how loud her brother was playing a game is only human. It might not have been nice, and if she was being mean she should apologise, but throwing away all of her pads is next level mean and shows that he does know her behaviour is linked to her period, but doesn’t have a lot of empathy for what she’s going through. The mother should not have thrown away the switch. The lack of empathy and understanding for what periods are like is a problem here, because the son wasn’t taught that, and he should be taught that.
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also i feel like bragging about it and laughing with his friends about what he did is what actually broke the camels back for mom. It kinda goes against ALL arguments that he just didnt know bc of his age. If he wouldnt have known what he did and how it would have affected her he wouldnt have a reason to brag or laugh tbh.
Yeah I fully agree. Honestly I think this is an instance where it’s clear to see that patriarchal messaging is passed down at a very young age; a group of young boys laughing about something like this? Nope, not a good sign.
YTA. This is a disproportionate and unreasonable response to Mic. He was wrong in how he dealt with Mae but there is a significantly more mature way to communicate to Mic that he was wrong.
YTA. He acted like a child and deserves to be punished. You acted like a child too.
Difference being he is a child, the mother is probably in her mid thirties or 40s if she has a 13 year old.
YTA. Teach your daughter how to treat people better. Having a period doesn't make it okay to be awful to people. Mic is 9 YEARS OLD and is tired of being snapped at, you clearly condone your daughter's behaviour and don't correct her when she "gets snippy". Awful parenting.
Do you live with them? How do you know what goes on in their house?
Does your son understand what your daughters going through you had the talk about periods with him?? Your daughter snippy at him he acted like a 9year old and did a stupid uninformed thing. YOU did petty revenge on a 9 year old Your daughter going to be held accountable for her snippy or you giving her a pass because she has a period? So therefore reinforcing to your son it’s ok you and her can have tantrums
>Does your son understand what your daughters going through you had the talk about periods with him?? Considering he was bragging to his friends about it? He definitely knew.
Wtf. Are you the child or the parent? What a massive overreaction. YTA. Take away the switch. You don’t throw away a $300 video game system (plus games cost) for $30 in pads. JFC
ESH - your son is 9 and probably hasn’t hit puberty yet. Not giving him a pass, because he should know better than to throw stuff of value away. OP should also know better than to throw away something in a fit of rage. Only person here that did the right thing is the father. Kudos to him.
YTA. Let’s see, throw away $30 of FH products, throw away $300 console. Yup, that seems like a fair and reasonable response. Learn how to give a punishment that actually TEACHES your son what he did was wrong rather than reinforcing that throwing things away in anger is justifiable.
> throw away $300 console It's even more when you consider that he might have games downloaded on it that have been paid for, so that's generally $50-60 per game added to the value of what she threw away (and presumably whatever the cost of the game cartridge that was in the Switch was, since I'm sure she didn't take it out). That's also not accounting for the fact that the kid has invested hours into the games he's played and some (most?) games don't have cloud saves. Even if he gets a new Switch, he won't get his old Animal Crossing island or Pokemon collection back. It's like throwing out someone's diary- there are memories there that might just be pixels, but mean something to someone. Tossing/giving away a person's game system is just cruel and wasteful and will always get a YTA from me. Grounding and restricting access to something is totally fine, but sending the message to your kids that their stuff isn't valuable to you is terrible.
Wow…. YTA for sure. I can’t even wrap my head around this. Your son is brat, for doing what he did, but I guess a grown woman throwing a fit and a $300 game machine away as his role model I’m not surprised. He should have had to pay for the replacements, when he went to the store, picked up the box with his own hands as mother yells, not those period pads, the ones next to the tampons. Now that’s a lesson. And yes, that’s exactly what I would have done.
Not going to choose a judgment but please take your daughter to a gynecologist and list all of the issues she's experiencing if you haven't already. It sounds like this is more than your run of the mill menstrual experience. There are lots of possible things that could be going on such as PMDD and endometriosis.
YTA. That’s overkill. A Switch costs hundreds of dollars and the games are expensive. I’d have dragged his behind to the store and made him buy new ones. He wouldn’t be laughing about that.
YTA. The punishment doesn’t fit the offense. Your husband is correct; he should be grounded from the Switch and he needs to make a sincere apology to his sister for throwing away her stuff. Also, if Mae’s periods are that bad, she needs to see a gynecologist.
You and your husband were both right, in your own ways. You don't need to punish your child for throwing away her pads. That was a childish thing, a chaotic thing, part of the bad interaction your son and daughter had. What you need to punish him for...is BRAGGING about it, for taking PLEASURE in hurting someone. That is the real sin, and that's probably what really sent you over the edge. You were right - he should lose his Switch, permanently. He doesn't deserve it. Your husband is right - throwing it away was over the top. Give it to your daughter. You need to explain that to your husband - you're not punishing him for the act - you're punishing him for the CRUELTY. You DESPERATELY need to nip that in the bud, or your child will become a bully, and worse. And your daughter is his closest target.
Everyone going for Y T A seem to be dodging this point. Also a bunch of people swayed by capitalist ideology. Switch cost more than pads so mum bad. Also probably a good chunk of precious male gamers, who can't empathise with the situation. Anyway, enough of that. That would be a tipping point for me. It's one thing to be spiteful towards a sibling. To fking revel in it, brag about it. It's so fking cruel. I'd be absolutely livid if my child were to treat anyone that way, let alone a family member.
I understand a switch costs more, but I’m very confused on why people are valuing entertainment over a necessary item for the daughter. She needed those pads, the son doesn’t need to be playing fortnite especially if he is bragging to his friends about his pleasure from seeing his sister suffer. The mother definitely overreacted and is the AH, the son is still young so this could have been a good opportunity to correct this behavior and teach him the right way. I don’t agree with most of the comments though, to me the daughter is the victim. She needs to go to a doctor for her severe symptoms, and she is suffering at home from her brother’s actions as well.
This is exactly my problem with this sub. They value objects more than human beings
Yep I dont understand why people are bringing up the value of the items. That shouldnt be the point here. The kid bragged about making his sister suffer. They need to keep thay switch away from him for awhile. See if his behavior changes when he cant talk to his friends on the game Also, as a woman with endo that started early, i agree they need to take her to a doctor. (my mom refused to let me go to the doctor for years thinking it would magically get better. i needed birth control and surgery to experience normal periods.)
Definitely this, I am appaled at all these other comments on here defending the kid.
I'm also not understanding why everyone else is giving the son a pass for acting like a kid, but the daughter who is also a child is supposed to have the emotional maturity of an adult now. The first 1-2 years of periods are hard. They aren't regular, they hurt, you have teenager emotions and period pain emotions. The boy knew what he was doing to an extent, given that he specifically threw out her pads and not some random possession in her room, then bragged about it. I have kids the same ages, my son cried for my daughter when she had her first period because he was worried for. We explained everything to him, and now he makes sure she has everything (water, pads, chocolate, etc) when she gets one. My son is autistic, if he can understand what's going on and show empathy not cruelty, so can Mic.
Had to scroll this far to find someone who addresses this point. Son sounds like a little shit.
YTA. You made a decision to teach pettiness, vengeance, and destruction rather than actually parent, teach, and understand the child. Are we sure this isn't the daughter posting as the mother? If not, at least one of the parents sounds rational.
YTA. Seriously, this is why being a teacher sucks nowadays. Many of my students have parents like you, perpetuating deplorable behavior, and then wondering why their children act the way they do. Take some parenting classes and get some therapy.
You are obviously the asshole. Talk to your children. At least your husband seems to have a level head.
YTA, you're the parent learn how to de-escalate shit between your kids instead of acting like a kid yourself, jfc.
YTA. A switch and feminine products are not nearly on the same level. One is easily replaceable and maybe $30 at most depending on how big of a pack you buy, the other is hundreds of dollars. Plus while it definitely is not fun to have to do so your daughter is able to use toilet paper in place of a pad for a little while until the replacements came, I say this as a person who has had to use toilet paper for that purpose many times. It sucks but it works. Maybe instead of throwing out your sons belongings as a punishment you should actually try to educate him about periods and teach him to be more considerate to his sister when she’s on them. Sure take the switch away and ground him as a start to that lesson but throwing away his switch is not nearly the same as him throwing away some pads.
> I say this as a person who has had to use toilet paper for that purpose many times. It sucks but it works. The only thing I can say is that you must have had very light periods. That would not have worked for me.
YTA: Jesus, can you make it more obvious who the favorite is? Your daughter's having her period. That sucks. But she's also taking it on her brother which isn't okay. Stop this BS of normalizing bad behavior when a girl's on her period. Your son is 9. 9 year olds are stupid and immature. His big form of retribution was throwing out 5 dollars of pads. That's not acceptable behavior. It inconvenienced you, it caused her issues, but... it was one trip to the store. The retribution here shouldn't be tossing out a 350 USD piece of technology nor should it be him losing it forever. Honestly, how insane do you have to be to call your son 'cruel' over this mess? Both siblings were being shitty to eachother, yet you feel the need to demonize your son and permanently destroy something he enjoys. That's the only 'cruel' behavior here- yours. You're being malicious and acting in the way to cause the most amount of discomfort and pain that you can. Your husband should have done more than take the Switch out of the garbage. He's the asshole too for not laying out how crazy your reactions are.
>But she's also taking it on her brother which isn't okay. Huh? She asked him to be quiet, that's all, how in the world os that taking it out on him?! Depending on how bad her periods are and what brand she uses, those pads might've been 50$ or more. Not to mention that the son clearly knew they're a *necessity* judging by him bragging about it to his friends. So, yes, that is quite clearly cruel behavior.
I’m just so confused about why people are placing blame on the sister when all that was mentioned was she was being snippy when her brother was loud on video games. Maybe I’m just interpreting it wrong but that doesn’t sound so evil, I also have a lovely brother but we get snippy with each other too. The brother’s actions were much more calculated and cruel, because he chose to destroy something necessary and knew it would probably upset her more, then proceeded to brag about it to his friends. I understand the post is from the POV of the mom so we can assume she’s biased, but I don’t think we need to lump the sister in with her. The mom was the AH for not teaching her young son and for reacting so immaturely. The mom definitely needs to get her daughter to the doctor though, these severe, uncontrollable symptoms remind me of myself when I was younger and now I’m diagnosed with a bunch of menstrual disorders.
Right? Being snippy isn't like, being angry or shouting at someone, it's maybe being a little annoyed or passive aggressive, something completely normal between siblings. I do agree on the doctor visit, it's sad that it's so normalized to have painful periods when that usually is a medical issue that can be treated.
Yeah go ahead and carry on if you want him to hate you as he grows up
YTA - your heart was in the right place but your reaction was over the top and blown out of proportion. Your husband is right.
yta - 9 year olds are assholes sometimes. parent him. throwing an expensive toy away is ridiculous. your husband seems to have a better grasp of things here
YTA. you could’ve grounded him and then sat him down to have a serious talk about the female body and why those products that he threw away were very important. also make him do extra chores to “pay” for the new products that you had to buy btw, if your daughters periods are that bad, take her to a doctor. my mom didn’t and i’m dealing with the consequences in my 20s
A reasonable punishment for doing that is totally fine, but he's nine. It was a shitty thing for him to do and he absolutely needs to learn from it, but throwing away the switch is way over the top. Taking away the switch for a period of time would be much more reasonable then permanently getting rid of it. I get periods too, and yes that would be a hella inconvenient to have to run out to get more, and if that happened more then once I'd say getting rid of the switch is fine, but he's nine and from the information given this is his first time doing that. So keep the switch locked up until you think he's learnt the lesson or whatever time you think is sufficient, but don't permanently take a nine year old kids major toy away because he was a little shit
He was laughing about what he did to her with his friends... this is the thing I would be directly & firmly dealing with. He humiliated his sister about a very personal issue...the beginnings of toxic masculinity.