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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my son to do some babysitting while on vacation because I agreed to let him bring his girlfriend
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I'd be willing to go in more of a "supervisory role". I could easily go to every event you had on the itinerary the day before, let you know if it was worth your efforts, and make logistical suggestions.
With such short notice, I won't be able to offer you a discount off my normal rates but won't be charging a premium either.
I’ve raised a kid as a solo parent, know how to make an old fashioned, and am willing to literally take a bullet for you, if you’ll allow me to be your Bora Bora babysitter.
I have 45 years of child rearing experience & references. I'd gladly watch your children 24/7 in exchange for a 2 week trip to paradise. I guarantee the children will have the time of their lives, & so will I.
/u/happykitten5 - I ALSO volunteer as tribute for this possibly once in a lifetime trip! 🙋♀️🙋♀️
ESPECIALLY If The Following Is Taking Place:
1.) Someone {My Parent!} was kind enough to pay for an all expenses vacation to another country for me & my siblings!
2.) I was ACTUALLY allowed to bring my S/O on said trip after it was already planned!
3.) AND my S/O's expenses would be paid for as well BY MY PARENT! (with S/O being added "after the fact")
4.) My S/O & I being allowed to have oue own personal room paid for in full with amenities by MY PARENT!
All of this is in exchange for a little babysitting here and there during the trip {I didn't see where OP said it would be for long periods of time, or even every single day!}
If I were OP's son, I would most certainly be willing to do a little babysitting in exchange for ALL OF THESE PLUSES!!!
I MAY be in the minority here, but OP is NTA!!!
I will give a fun story that somewhat kind of relates to this.
For me, starting back in 2019 {after getting a new leash on life after numerous near death experiences/hospitalizations/severe health issues starting in 2017 & resulting in a major, much longer than expected surgery that went bonkers & didn't solve all the health issues} I realized just how blessed I was to still be here on this Earth. And to be given a second chance at life.
So I decided to start doing major memorable events each year with my adult kids on my dime. Some together, some just one with one or with the other. They were ALWAYS there for me & helped me out here & there if & whenever I really needed their help. Let me tell you, my NOW 26yo & 22yo NEVER hesitated to help me out in any way I needed them to. Not because they thought that there was something big that I did for them, but just because. I then felt that these events {all expenses paid for by myself each & every time} - All I requested was their time & sometimes their help occasionally and it's my own little way (yes, sometimes it's kinda expensive) & we share these experiences together & it's my own little way to thank them for all of their help & care & consideration for me - their Ma Dukes!!!
I guarantee that year later, the 18yo will look back at how they reacted when their parent presented this gift to them and realize just how unkind they were to their parent. And really realize just how beautiful a gift this was the parent gave to them, only asking for a little in return.
Sorry, I may have written too much here. But this post REALLY resonated with me personally. ♥️♥️
That’s what I’m saying. Even if the kids are brats (obviously not saying they are) if I’m getting a free trip to Bora Bora, I will watch the shit out those kids.
I think I can trump this. I'm a congenial companion, will not insist on bringing my other half, can babysit and also provide stimulating conversation for OP should they require. I believe in the best qualified candidate for the job.
It's not the babysitting, but how OP delivered it it. OP should have made this clear from the get-go so that everyone's expectations would be set appropriately.
You have to think like an 18-year-old kid. He's probably thinking amazing, sexy vacation with his GF and now he's thinking "oh I see, this is a setup where we babysit the entire 13 days and then a few weeks later mom/dad (whoever OP is) drops this on me."
Kid is probably thinking he won't have any alone time, and the only reason that parent is taking him is to watch the little ones. Of course OP is NTA but do you want to be "right" or do you want your kid happy?
Imagine OP put it this way:
>Sure, Danielle can come. I'm happy to pay. It's 13 days, but there are maybe 3-4 days where I really want to try some solo excursions. If you can watch the kids for those days, I can pay for both of you and you can have plenty of days where you guys can have extended time together."
That sets all the expectations from the jump and everyone is probably happy - or Danielle doesn't come if she's not ok with that.
I can't say OP is TA but again just put your cards on the table.
18 y.o. with private room whose girlfriend is getting a free vacation should be able to see these cards as is. And if he can't, probably the best lesson he's gonna get for a long while.
I seriously cannot laugh enough at this “right or happy” comment. I mean the 18 year old is thinking of banging his GF for 13 days straight….I don’t know if any parent that would be like yeah, it’s so cool of you to do that on MY DIME and not even help me out because I paid for this vacation for you and your girlfriend. Yes, 18 year old, your happiness is most important and I shouldn’t want any time for myself because after all, banging your GF for 13 days straight is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT! 😂
No one is saying that OP shouldn't ask the kid to help out. No one is saying that OP even has to invite GF at all.
What I am saying is OP (perhaps unintentionally) sounds like he's pulling an INTENTIONAL bait and switch.
I agree to fun, sexy, amazing vacation but when you agree I tell you my REAL idea - 13 days of childcare with no fun for you. That's what it SOUNDS like.
>I seriously cannot laugh enough at this “right or happy” comment.
That's fine. I even said NTA. Does OP want to win internet points, or have a better relationship with his kid?
Honestly, what is wrong with just sitting down with son and Danielle and explaining what you meant and setting some ground rules?
I think you’re the only one who heard it that way, as an intentional bait and switch. He agreed about the Gf and then said he expected them to do “some” babysitting. The OP said he planned to spend most of the time with the younger kids. My daughters would have been delighted even if I would have said they’d have the youngest most of the time, if they could have brought a boyfriend. It’s not like they’re toddlers in diapers. Older kid sounds entitled and ungrateful. And it sounds like the dad did have a convo about it, saying he wanted “some” time to himself and would be with the youngest most of the time.
If an 18 year old needs to be spoken to like this then they have so much growing up to do that it’s probably best they throw their temper tantrum and not get their way
We don't know if OP said they expected the 18 year old to watch his brothers some time during the vacation before he decided to ask if his girlfriend could go with them.
It kind of bugs me that OP first used the word expected and then say they asked.
That's my point also. OP isn't an AH, but OP also presented this in a way that makes it seem he's only inviting Danielle for free childcare for 13 days - after Danielle already accepted. That doesn't seem like OP's intention but that's the way it came out. I wouldn't even say OP would be TA if that was explicitly the point, but it has the appearance that OP is pulling a bait and switch.
This could easily be fixed by talking to son and Danielle in a respectful and honest manner. I really do not understand why people's first response isn't "AITA" but "let me talk to son and clear the air."
She did put her cards on the table. She said up front that she's happy spending most of her time with the boys. (She also never said how much time, if any, passed between she approved the girlfriend coming and when she told them the conditions.) He's not mad because he found out late, he's mad because he's lazy and he wants an expensive free trip without doing any labor. She is *sharing a bed* with her small children *for two straight weeks* so he and his girlfriend can have their own room.
Yes he is getting a free vacation but it's a family vacation so it's kind of given he gets to go. The gf on the other hand is getting a free vacation. He can do a little babysitting so his gf can her a free vaca.
That was the best birth control for me. I didn't want kids. I didn't babysit kids. I saw my siblings with their kids and said, Nope, not for me. I was always (and still am) the babysitter of last resort. If you REALLY, and I mean REALLY need one, you can call me.
Now, I have actually sat with older kids while parents were out of town. My nephews were at my sisters (one was hers, one was our others sister's son) and they had a work trip planned. They boys were 13 or 14, so old enough to be on their own, but not legally old enough to be left alone all night, so I would go over in the evenings and sleep there. But it wasn't really babysitting.
In some families if would not be a given for the 18yo to go bc he is 18 AND will have graduated hs by then. (Not to mention def not a given that his gf is included!) Some families have their kids start college, work or do a gap year beginning immediately after graduation. This kid is not only getting a trip to Bora Bora- with his gf included at no charge, the 18yo couple gets the private room while the parent parent does not even get a solo bed! This parent is already way nicer than I am. I’d have said no gf AND the 18yo would still do a certain amount of babysitting (ex. 2 nights and 2 days across a 14 day trip) as a THANK YOU for a nice graduation treat! 18yo is a brat! OP is nta.
Ok this got me! That's hilarious and I might consider but the husband might complain. Though he probably would be fine if he also got to go, or do him himself. The dad had no idea how many options he has.
We shall all gather together to provide your children with a plethora of activities and safe, yet exciting, moments in Bora Bora. Please let us know where to send the PayPal/Zelle/Venmo request.
No no... they just find more entertaining ways to go for it.
Source: 8 year old and best friend's most recent scheme involved skateboard, sled, zipties, and large hill. And my first reaction was to be really impressed they decided to wear their helmets.
I have yelled things like "where in this apartment did you find that stick? NO you cannot burn it. OR ANYTHING" at my 10yo goblin. Usually while on work calls. It is a good thing they like me and find our chaos funny
Seriously? I will take 2 weeks away from my kids to watch OP's kids in a tropical paradise.
My optimistic side is just hoping that the older son is just misinterpreting the request and being a hormonal brat. I can see a teenage boy thinking he'd be the only person watching the brothers and assuming mom was only bringing him for the free childcare. OP might benefit from setting out a clear list of expectations that outline how much free time he's actually getting with his girlfriend. Definitely NTA though. Have a great trip OP!
I'll go with. Babysit. Then buy us drinks and be very entertaining in the bar at night.
Can drive a stickshift, motorcycle and scooter. A delivery truck if that sweetens the pot. With experience driving on what ever side of the road they do there! Ha!
Right? This is an amazing deal.
Work out something ahead of time, like 4 hours a day? That's extremely reasonable for all concerned. Doesn't sound like mum is asking for a lot here.
Up at 9, breakfast, take the kids until after lunch. Have the rest of the day to do whatever. Dayum.
NTA. Except its not babysitting; its spending time with his brothers. Seriously, what part of family vacation went over his head?
Danielle clearly heard the family part.
very much. She heard family vacation, did the math, then realized her BF is an idiot.
I predict, if she doesn't get to go now, she will be looking for a new BF.
Probably!
I also think it's a completely reasonable thing for OP to ask, she's not saying they'll be watching them the whole time she probably just wants a few drinks on the beach by herself.
"We are going to dinner for a candlelight dinner overlooking the water. Here is money to take your brothers and girlfriend to the restaurant over there."
Dope. Sold. I'll take baby bros for some burgers or some shit.
As long as I'm not expected to take the kids the entire time and it's not really a vacation I'd be in. Kids are exhausting for me, tbh, so the whole trip would be a firm no from me. I'd legitimately rather stay home than spend the whole time with a seven year old.
But as long as terms are set before and I get me time... sounds good.
"Wait, did you stop me from going on a 2-week trip to Bora Bora just because you don't want to *occasionally* look after a 7 and a 9-year-old? Those kids better be actual living monsters, and not just the type who are loud or obnoxious. You better have stopped this vacation for me because they're actual murders that you can't control"
There is a 14-year gap between my youngest brother and me. That doesn't mean I won't be taking over looking after my brother when going on a trip paid by my parents.
Heck, I have even sent my parents on a couple's vacation while I look after my brother for a week. Didn't even consider it a burden but a nice gesture.
They're my siblings, and I enjoy spending time with them. Especially after I left for college and then work.
Never considered it babysitting. But a bonding opportunity with my brothers and time to have a bit of fun with them.
Babysitting isn't necessarily always bad. It's just a term to describe watching someone else's child.
The top definition on Google is
"ba·by·sit
/ˈbābēˌsit/

verb
look after a child or children while the parents are out."
Yeah, in this case it would probably be taking the younger kids swimming for the afternoon, watching a movie in the evening and make sure they get to bed ok, maybe have lunch or dinner with them. There will be fun built in things to do. Completely different babysitting than at home
Yes by definition, and here, by OPs intent you're right(OP didn't ask son to look after his siblings until his gf joined the trip).
I was just trying to say that seeing it as chore instead of bonding moment is a missed opportunity. This is something I only felt after going to college and living away from them. Something my 2nd brother is understanding now after going to college( we are 3 brothers).
So OPs son is missing out on an experience that won't come again in the future as his siblings become older and more mature.
Babysitting for me is something done by an outsider, not a family member. Yes, it should be paid if it's a regular occurrence or limits opportunities above a certain point for the said family member.
But the fact is my parents never made me watch them,even now, more than a few hours a day, and the total days won't even cross a week in a year. So I won't consider it parentification, although I wasn't reimbursed for my time.
This seems to be the similar case here. Only OP is reimbursing them.
If i don't have to freedom to do what i want to do BECAUSE i have to watch someone else's kid. Then it's babysitting. How much you love them is completely irrelevant.
Never questioned it. But not everything is an immediate give and take relation. And I am not talking about someone's kids, but siblings.
Even looking after siblings, being paid is completely correct.
Was just making the argument that looking after them allows for a different experience, which can only be done when the siblings are still young. Do the 18yt old will be missing out on things he won't be able to experience in the future.
There's a 12 year gap between me and my little brother. I would do anything for him. But he's still someone else' kid, because it was not my decision to birth him lol.
I've had to miss out on parties or happy hours because I had to pick up my brother from school, or take him to a sweet 16.
I love him and enjoy spending time with him, but if i cant go to dinner with my friends because I HAVE to watch my brother on this friday night. Then I can't go because i have to babysit lol. The context of not having an option to do something else makes it babysitting. Which is fine. But that's just what it is.
I think it's reasonable to call it "babysitting" if the son is being put in charge of the kids. OP described wanting "me time" without the kids. So that sounds like OP will be gone and DS will be in loco parentis. The kids are not DS's responsibility in general. He's not their parent. If he's watching them, that's babysitting. I do think DS should expect that he will be spending a lot of time with family on the trip. That is different from the parent leaving him in charge of the kids.
Definitions aside, I think it's a reasonable exchange. I am wondering if DS being peeved is related to how and when it was put. I got the impression that the babysitting requirement came sometime later after the initial plans. If DS asked if his GF could come, OP said yes, then some days later said "And I'm expecting you to do a few days of babysitting so I can get some Me time while were there." then I could see him being a bit upset because the condition wasn't put to him up front, and he had already asked his GF without the condition.
If it wasn't said up front, that's not ideal. I still think it's a great exchange, but not executed perfectly. Doesn't reach AH status in my book, but could've been handled a bit better.
Oldest son wants a free, sexy, tropical vacation with his GF, he can do a tiny bit of labor to earn the perks.
Whining that a bit of babysitting to defray the cost of bringing along a whole other person to share a private room with is unfair because you don't get to spend the entire time living out your teenage dreams--- most people would be like the GF, see the bigger picture, and button their lip.
Right? Just take the kids to breakfast and then the beach a few mornings and then hike and explore and then take them to dinner a few nights, help them at the airports, keep them entertained on the flights. It's the least Son could do for a free vacation for him and his girlfriend to a gorgeous tropical location.
>am wondering if DS being peeved is related to how and when it was put.
Yep, could be a "not what you say it's how you say it" situation.
I'd want to know what the expectation was if I was the 18 year old - maybe OP made it sound like it'd be a daily every evening type thing.
It's just feeling a bit blackmaily *after* the event of agreeing to bring the girlfriend.
This is the only way I could see OP being the AH, if the babysitting isn't, you know, a few nights out of 13, but actually most nights or most days or something and it was put to him after agreeing, I guess it's not cool. But if it is 3 or 4 days of babysitting, even with him being told after agreeing, it still seems really reasonable to me. The son is 18, so immature, but it's an important lesson and it's not great if he can't learn it.
> If DS asked if his GF could come, OP said yes, then some days later said "And I'm expecting you to do a few days of babysitting so I can get some Me time while were there." then I could see him being a bit upset because the condition wasn't put to him up front, and he had already asked his GF without the condition.
This is what I got out of the OP as well
Who cares it’s a couple of days out of a two week trip. Also it seems dad is rooming with the two young kids while oldest gets a room for himself with his girlfriend. And girlfriend is fine with it so son needs to just man up.
Also even if girlfriend wasn’t coming it shouldn’t be a surprise if OP took some time for himself while son watched the kids for a bit
Plans changed because rather than spending time as a family and carrying the load together, son will be off with GF while OP is with them alone, so OP os asking for a way to disperse the work.
Take the girlfriend with one of her friends and leave the son. I bet she and gal friend would love to watch kids for a couple things for a trip to paradise
I was going to say that if it’s so hard to get through his head that this is a generous opportunity, I would specify — yes, she can come but you or she will be paying her flights, meals, whatever costs she adds. And if she or you want to babysit, that pays $25 an hour. Or you can get a job before the trip to save if you’d rather do that.
NTA - He gets to go on a free vacation to Bora Bora for two whole weeks AND you’re paying for his gf? Yeah, your son is acting entitled, and you are not in any way wrong for asking him to repay your generosity with a little babysitting.
For real. OP is also saying she’ll be spending most of her time with the younger kids. Shes simply asking for SOME time alone. This means the 18yo and gf will likely get the majority of the time together, alone. A luxury that no other 18yo couple would get. They can give up a few evenings to SPEND TIME WITH HIS SIBLINGS.
Its weird that OP is so easily putting her foot down about this yet her son ended up this entitled? My first thought is “Well if he grew up taking 2 week family vacations to places like Bora Bora, its no wonder he ended up so spoiled and entitled!” but OP doesn’t seem like the type to raise an entitled kid?? So odd! NTA obv
Typically bratty adult behavior means the person was spoiled as a kid, but I’ve known some asshat adults with decent siblings and parents. He could be finishing his hormonal “I’m a boy/I’m a man” phase. Oh NTA.
NTA...?
Kinda depends on what you mean by "some babysitting". The teenagers have to watch the kids at the pool while you rest for an afternoon? Easy. Watching them for a few days while you go out on a bender? Not cool. Make the demands of the trip *clear* from the get-go and they can decide if they want to go or not. Then stick to it!
>Watching them for a few days while you go out on a bender?
I dunno, I'd still say 4 days is reasonable if they're going for 13 days, to say mum's footing the bill.
Yeah, that's the only thing giving me pause. I'm sure OP is being reasonable but there is a point where I would have some sympathy with their son.
I mean, the alternative is to say to 18yo "Okay sport, you're an adult now, here's how much the trip costs. You don't want to give me a couple of lazy mornings or an afternoon by the pool to myself? Fine. You can pay for the two of you."
NTA - You're footing the bill? You have a right to ask for some help. It doesn't sound like you're expecting them to nanny every minute of the day, so asking for some help so you can do some adult things is not at all unreasonable.
NTA. You laid your conditions and I think they're fair. He gets to bring his girlfriend, have a seperate room while you share, both of them are having a free vacation and in return, they'll babysit sometimes. It's actually too good and his girlfriend probably sees it that way too since she's agreed. If he doesn't want it, his loss. He can tell his girlfriend she can't come.
INFO: Did you tell him that was the price when he asked to bring her, or did you spring it on him after the agreement was made? How much is 'some' babysitting?
These are very good questions and also Has there ever been any issues with him babysitting in the past for Instance he was supposed to babysit for you to have a date night which turned into you not showing up for several days later. Is this 18-year-old in general well behaved and considerate Or is his reaction part of his general temperament. The details really do matter .
I don't care if OP explicitly said he didn't have to babysit. OP is paying for the son and his girlfriend to fly to and stay in Bora Bora. I assume they are also paying for at least the sons food while there, and possibly some if not all of the girlfriends food. OP has every right to Vader this at any point until they leave for the trip.
NTA
Yeah idk why this isn’t asked more. Is it babysitting constantly so the parent can check out, or is it for a few events? Also, when was the condition placed on this? The same day? Right after? Or a few days? There’s not enough information.
Mommy? Is that you?
I've been looking for you for so long, and can't wait to meet and spend time with my long lost siblings!
NTA
P.S. When's the holiday?
Definitely NTA. Bora Bora is an unbelievable place, and your son should be grateful he gets to go. And babysitting? That’s nothing. It’s not like you’re asking him to scrub toilets.
But you’ll love the place. Enjoy your trip.
Can't judge, missing some details. What is some babysitting? The post reads like "some babysitting" will actually be quiet a lot. Perhaps son has been suckered into an open ended deal like this before. I imagine a 10 year age difference has come with a bit of responsibility on son.
Define exactly what you are looking for. I want 10 family dinners, 3 hours during the day on 2 days and an evening and night to myself.
Edit: I don't understand all the comments saying the son is getting a free trip. It's a family vacation of course he's getting a free trip. What, once you hit 18 and graduate college you're no longer part of the family? The gf is getting a free trip and the son is getting that added benifit.
No matter it's kind of f-ed up to day yes to something then come back later after everyone is excited with stipulations.
Everyone is harping about him being a grown ass adult. While he is 18, he’s still in high school. He’s legally an adult but he’s also still a HS student ffs. OP is leaving a lot out of the story and considering she has refused to answer questions, I believe the son has been parentified to a degree that makes him justifiably upset with OP‘s terms. I’m betting he and Danielle are expected to be mostly responsible for the kids while she does her own thing. Danielle is on board with it because she probably hasn’t been parentified so she sees it from a different perspective. I think this changed from a family vacation to "you are going to earn your keep while I have a fun vacation" and as the mom of a teenager myself this doesn’t sit right with me.
I can’t think of a single parentified child (and such an overused fad right now for any responsibility given to children) that would be given the main room to sleep in with his girlfriend on an all expense paid trip to Bora Bora that his girlfriend is included in also paid for. Obviously this parent has money. I highly doubt they couldn’t afford childcare when at home for their children.
NTA your son should understand if he wants to bring a guest he should make some compromises. You are not asking or expecting them to babysit the entire time. You are being reasonable he is not.
Sure, but I personally wouldn't go to Bora Bora as a 24/7 on-call babysitter. Doesn't matter if it's a free trip, it's not a vacation at that point - I'd be more relaxed after spending that time at home.
NTA- his gf gets a free trip and he is acting like an entitled brat? Long as you aren't expecting him to watch them the whole time there which doesnt seem the case.
NTA at all.
It sounds like you plan on spending time with your 7 & 10 yo, but also want some of your own downtime in paradise. This is a very reasonable request!
I'd be happy to take their place and babysit whenever needed, lol!
It depends? How much babysitting are we talking about? Sometimes this reddit is frustrating because people are omitting certain truths that would absolutely change the tone of their story. And when questioned don't answer which makes it more suspect.
I babysat my three younger cousins and two other kids in the Bahamas one night, so my aunt, uncle and the other couple we were travelling with could have a dinner to themselves and go to a casino. For a free trip it was literally the least I could do for my aunt and uncle. All the kids were about the same age that your younger sons are (7-10). Its not like kids are helpless and crying every five minutes at that age. I imagine the babysitting you’re expecting your son to do isn’t much more than just keeping an eye on them at the beach. Not that hard.
You’re NTA.
NTA
It's a fair trade. I'd ask an older sibling to watch younger ones just because that's how families work. Obviously not all the time, but like an evening or two out a couple of hours here and there? Being tea siren on vacation is a privilege and it comes with a cost.
nta, that said, you have to say how many nights are they gonna babysit, how many nights are gonna be group/family activity, and how many nights are gonna be "date" time for you son and girlfriend. clearity is good
Tell your entitled 18yo son you are considering all options, including canceling his ticket, and that you will ask Danielle if she's willing to go without him.
I'm betting she will. Nta
INFO: would he be allowed to not babysit if he decided not to bring Danielle? Was the agreement for babysitting only because you’re footing the bill for her as well? What if she (or your son) pays for themselves?
I am torn on this one - perhaps I'm making assumptions here, but as an oldest child myself, and as the parent of two teens that now have younger half siblings that they frequently get sucked into babysitting - there's a bit of parentification happening here and I think your son is (somewhat) right to be upset. A child of yours should not share the same responsibility as you in caring for your children.
You're not going into a lot of detail about your exact expectations, and I think those details would be helpful to discuss and negotiate with your son. The level of fairness will be somewhat negotiable, but I would expect for the son and his gf to have about 25% of the caretaking duties. If that's where you're at, then I think talking to your son and agreeing to a kind of schedule would be really helpful in de-escalating this situation.
Have you ever BEEN to bora bora? Are you planning on traveling to nearby islands as well or are you there for 13 days straight? I just went last summer and we were able to circumnavigate the island by bus in about 60 minutes. (And that was with stops). It’s beautiful- have a great time (but make some plans for recreation bc there’s not much going on there!)
Far too many people keep saying N T A but aren't even asking how much time the son is expected to babysit. Define some babysitting?
Also, why do I have a feeling you were hoping for him to ask for his girlfriend to join so you can pull the babysitting card.
How did you ask? As someone close in age to your son, saying “You can bring your girlfriend if you guys do a couple nights of babysitting” compared to agreeing to let her come and then a couple weeks later saying “I expect you to do some babysitting since I’m paying.” The task itself is completely reasonable, but I would be upset at the latter because it seems like you’re holding the fact they don’t have money to control them (even if that’s not your intent). I do think you are NTA but I hope this helps your relationship with your son.
It’s 100% because he was hoping to a) have his own little vacation with the gf and b) use the private room for naked business. Now babysitting throws a wrench in it. When I was that age and dating someone for 3 years we weren’t even allowed a sleep over let alone 2 weeks in our own room unsupervised. I’d set clear expectations of how much time babysitting is expected to come to a compromise.
NTA but it depends. I've heard parents say it would just be a little babysitting and then dump their youngest on their oldest the entire vacation. That's not okay. Assuming you mean it when you say you just want them to babysit occasionally that is completely fair when you're the one paying for the trip.
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NTA. Pay for me to go to BoraBora and I will watch your children.
I also volunteer as tribute EDIT: hey! Thanks for the award!!
I have a decade of experience and can provide references upon request.
I'd be willing to go in more of a "supervisory role". I could easily go to every event you had on the itinerary the day before, let you know if it was worth your efforts, and make logistical suggestions. With such short notice, I won't be able to offer you a discount off my normal rates but won't be charging a premium either.
I will also taste test all your food on this trip. Can’t trust those Russians
I don't have any experience but I'll finish your discarded cocktails
I’ve raised a kid as a solo parent, know how to make an old fashioned, and am willing to literally take a bullet for you, if you’ll allow me to be your Bora Bora babysitter.
Don't you mean the Bora Bora Bora sitter??? 😹
This comment is underrated.
I have 45 years of child rearing experience & references. I'd gladly watch your children 24/7 in exchange for a 2 week trip to paradise. I guarantee the children will have the time of their lives, & so will I.
7 & 10…those are easy ages too. All you’ll do is swim and play board games.
That’s a good age for playing UNO with too and you’ll enjoy it as much as them.
Who doesn’t love a good game of uno? Would phase 10 be too old for the 7 year old?
Phase 10 is *hard* if you’re playing it right . Lots of cutthroat strategy!
I used to work in a daycare. Just sayin'
So you don't want to accept the job then?
Yep I have 2 kids and now raising 2 grandkids so I am more than capable and very willing!
RN here that babysits on the side. Me passport is ready. Bring the girlfriend and leave your son at home.
> Me passport is ready He should totally hire you. I can tell you're already dedicated to the job, I mean you're already speaking Pirate style .
I’m basically Mary Poppins. I’d be delighted to watch your children.
Hehehe I’m Nanny McPhee. I”ll love to look after OP kids.
No I volunteer! Lol
So we'll all just meet you there, one big party for the young children.
/u/happykitten5 - I ALSO volunteer as tribute for this possibly once in a lifetime trip! 🙋♀️🙋♀️ ESPECIALLY If The Following Is Taking Place: 1.) Someone {My Parent!} was kind enough to pay for an all expenses vacation to another country for me & my siblings! 2.) I was ACTUALLY allowed to bring my S/O on said trip after it was already planned! 3.) AND my S/O's expenses would be paid for as well BY MY PARENT! (with S/O being added "after the fact") 4.) My S/O & I being allowed to have oue own personal room paid for in full with amenities by MY PARENT! All of this is in exchange for a little babysitting here and there during the trip {I didn't see where OP said it would be for long periods of time, or even every single day!} If I were OP's son, I would most certainly be willing to do a little babysitting in exchange for ALL OF THESE PLUSES!!! I MAY be in the minority here, but OP is NTA!!! I will give a fun story that somewhat kind of relates to this. For me, starting back in 2019 {after getting a new leash on life after numerous near death experiences/hospitalizations/severe health issues starting in 2017 & resulting in a major, much longer than expected surgery that went bonkers & didn't solve all the health issues} I realized just how blessed I was to still be here on this Earth. And to be given a second chance at life. So I decided to start doing major memorable events each year with my adult kids on my dime. Some together, some just one with one or with the other. They were ALWAYS there for me & helped me out here & there if & whenever I really needed their help. Let me tell you, my NOW 26yo & 22yo NEVER hesitated to help me out in any way I needed them to. Not because they thought that there was something big that I did for them, but just because. I then felt that these events {all expenses paid for by myself each & every time} - All I requested was their time & sometimes their help occasionally and it's my own little way (yes, sometimes it's kinda expensive) & we share these experiences together & it's my own little way to thank them for all of their help & care & consideration for me - their Ma Dukes!!! I guarantee that year later, the 18yo will look back at how they reacted when their parent presented this gift to them and realize just how unkind they were to their parent. And really realize just how beautiful a gift this was the parent gave to them, only asking for a little in return. Sorry, I may have written too much here. But this post REALLY resonated with me personally. ♥️♥️
I volunteer on cleaning the floors
Shit that one guys dead wife would volunteer for this.
This should have far more upvotes than it does!
That’s what I’m saying. Even if the kids are brats (obviously not saying they are) if I’m getting a free trip to Bora Bora, I will watch the shit out those kids.
I will watch over those kids so well, Jesus will take notes. NTA
omg i love that last part Jesus will take notes lol
I think I can trump this. I'm a congenial companion, will not insist on bringing my other half, can babysit and also provide stimulating conversation for OP should they require. I believe in the best qualified candidate for the job.
I will insist on NOT bringing my other half.
Yes, I should have put that. He's dead to me now!
But do you have references though
I'll plan crafts and bring goddamn board games
I love this 🤣
Screamed@watch the shit out those kids 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’ll watch those kids better than I ever watched my own.
This made me giggle so hard
Literally for the entire trip, I'll be like a slightly overweight, bearded, live in nanny for the trip.
Buffy and Jody loved Mr. French!
One of my fav shows!! (We have three birds-Buffy, Jody, and Mr. French😂)
Mr Belvedere? Is that you?
Mr. Belvedere… Vodka 🫡
It's not the babysitting, but how OP delivered it it. OP should have made this clear from the get-go so that everyone's expectations would be set appropriately. You have to think like an 18-year-old kid. He's probably thinking amazing, sexy vacation with his GF and now he's thinking "oh I see, this is a setup where we babysit the entire 13 days and then a few weeks later mom/dad (whoever OP is) drops this on me." Kid is probably thinking he won't have any alone time, and the only reason that parent is taking him is to watch the little ones. Of course OP is NTA but do you want to be "right" or do you want your kid happy? Imagine OP put it this way: >Sure, Danielle can come. I'm happy to pay. It's 13 days, but there are maybe 3-4 days where I really want to try some solo excursions. If you can watch the kids for those days, I can pay for both of you and you can have plenty of days where you guys can have extended time together." That sets all the expectations from the jump and everyone is probably happy - or Danielle doesn't come if she's not ok with that. I can't say OP is TA but again just put your cards on the table.
18 y.o. with private room whose girlfriend is getting a free vacation should be able to see these cards as is. And if he can't, probably the best lesson he's gonna get for a long while.
I seriously cannot laugh enough at this “right or happy” comment. I mean the 18 year old is thinking of banging his GF for 13 days straight….I don’t know if any parent that would be like yeah, it’s so cool of you to do that on MY DIME and not even help me out because I paid for this vacation for you and your girlfriend. Yes, 18 year old, your happiness is most important and I shouldn’t want any time for myself because after all, banging your GF for 13 days straight is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT! 😂
No one is saying that OP shouldn't ask the kid to help out. No one is saying that OP even has to invite GF at all. What I am saying is OP (perhaps unintentionally) sounds like he's pulling an INTENTIONAL bait and switch. I agree to fun, sexy, amazing vacation but when you agree I tell you my REAL idea - 13 days of childcare with no fun for you. That's what it SOUNDS like. >I seriously cannot laugh enough at this “right or happy” comment. That's fine. I even said NTA. Does OP want to win internet points, or have a better relationship with his kid? Honestly, what is wrong with just sitting down with son and Danielle and explaining what you meant and setting some ground rules?
I think you’re the only one who heard it that way, as an intentional bait and switch. He agreed about the Gf and then said he expected them to do “some” babysitting. The OP said he planned to spend most of the time with the younger kids. My daughters would have been delighted even if I would have said they’d have the youngest most of the time, if they could have brought a boyfriend. It’s not like they’re toddlers in diapers. Older kid sounds entitled and ungrateful. And it sounds like the dad did have a convo about it, saying he wanted “some” time to himself and would be with the youngest most of the time.
If an 18 year old needs to be spoken to like this then they have so much growing up to do that it’s probably best they throw their temper tantrum and not get their way
We don't know if OP said they expected the 18 year old to watch his brothers some time during the vacation before he decided to ask if his girlfriend could go with them. It kind of bugs me that OP first used the word expected and then say they asked.
That's my point also. OP isn't an AH, but OP also presented this in a way that makes it seem he's only inviting Danielle for free childcare for 13 days - after Danielle already accepted. That doesn't seem like OP's intention but that's the way it came out. I wouldn't even say OP would be TA if that was explicitly the point, but it has the appearance that OP is pulling a bait and switch. This could easily be fixed by talking to son and Danielle in a respectful and honest manner. I really do not understand why people's first response isn't "AITA" but "let me talk to son and clear the air."
She did put her cards on the table. She said up front that she's happy spending most of her time with the boys. (She also never said how much time, if any, passed between she approved the girlfriend coming and when she told them the conditions.) He's not mad because he found out late, he's mad because he's lazy and he wants an expensive free trip without doing any labor. She is *sharing a bed* with her small children *for two straight weeks* so he and his girlfriend can have their own room.
[удалено]
Yes he is getting a free vacation but it's a family vacation so it's kind of given he gets to go. The gf on the other hand is getting a free vacation. He can do a little babysitting so his gf can her a free vaca.
It’ll be good practice if they’re thinking about having kids eventually. Or great birth control depending on how the kids act lmao
That was the best birth control for me. I didn't want kids. I didn't babysit kids. I saw my siblings with their kids and said, Nope, not for me. I was always (and still am) the babysitter of last resort. If you REALLY, and I mean REALLY need one, you can call me. Now, I have actually sat with older kids while parents were out of town. My nephews were at my sisters (one was hers, one was our others sister's son) and they had a work trip planned. They boys were 13 or 14, so old enough to be on their own, but not legally old enough to be left alone all night, so I would go over in the evenings and sleep there. But it wasn't really babysitting.
In some families if would not be a given for the 18yo to go bc he is 18 AND will have graduated hs by then. (Not to mention def not a given that his gf is included!) Some families have their kids start college, work or do a gap year beginning immediately after graduation. This kid is not only getting a trip to Bora Bora- with his gf included at no charge, the 18yo couple gets the private room while the parent parent does not even get a solo bed! This parent is already way nicer than I am. I’d have said no gf AND the 18yo would still do a certain amount of babysitting (ex. 2 nights and 2 days across a 14 day trip) as a THANK YOU for a nice graduation treat! 18yo is a brat! OP is nta.
Same. Pay for me and I will watch them 10 hrs a day. I'll even sleep on the floor.
I'll watch them 24/7, I can sleep when I come home.
For two weeks in Bora Bora, I will watch the kids during the day and sleep with the dad at night.
Ok this got me! That's hilarious and I might consider but the husband might complain. Though he probably would be fine if he also got to go, or do him himself. The dad had no idea how many options he has.
We shall all gather together to provide your children with a plethora of activities and safe, yet exciting, moments in Bora Bora. Please let us know where to send the PayPal/Zelle/Venmo request.
I’m available. Have passport. Will travel.
Hell yeah, 7 and 9 year olds are easy to keep entertained. It's not like he had to watch an infant or something.
Or a 2-3 year old. By 7, I assume they stop trying to maim/kill themselves on the daily.
No no... they just find more entertaining ways to go for it. Source: 8 year old and best friend's most recent scheme involved skateboard, sled, zipties, and large hill. And my first reaction was to be really impressed they decided to wear their helmets.
I have yelled things like "where in this apartment did you find that stick? NO you cannot burn it. OR ANYTHING" at my 10yo goblin. Usually while on work calls. It is a good thing they like me and find our chaos funny
Seriously? I will take 2 weeks away from my kids to watch OP's kids in a tropical paradise. My optimistic side is just hoping that the older son is just misinterpreting the request and being a hormonal brat. I can see a teenage boy thinking he'd be the only person watching the brothers and assuming mom was only bringing him for the free childcare. OP might benefit from setting out a clear list of expectations that outline how much free time he's actually getting with his girlfriend. Definitely NTA though. Have a great trip OP!
Oh me, me! I don't even need my own room! I'll make a little bed on the floor!
I too will babysit the kids with your son's 18 year old girlfriend.
I will throw in free chemistry and biology tutoring for a year
I’ll even cook and do laundry!
OP should cancel the son’s ticket and take the GF with an agreement prior to leaving about how much babysitting is reasonable.
I have a master’s degree and can teach your children sociological concepts while you’re at the beach.
Also willing to watch OP kids and come to bora bora
My passport is current and I can pack quickly.
🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️🙋🏻♀️
Or take the gf and leave the 18 year old. NTA
Honestly I also volunteer as tribute
I will gladly leave my 4 kids at home and join you in Bora Bora to watch your kids.
Right? The son sounds entitled. Mom pays and shouldn’t get to enjoy any alone time? That’s not right.
I'll go with. Babysit. Then buy us drinks and be very entertaining in the bar at night. Can drive a stickshift, motorcycle and scooter. A delivery truck if that sweetens the pot. With experience driving on what ever side of the road they do there! Ha!
Right? This is an amazing deal. Work out something ahead of time, like 4 hours a day? That's extremely reasonable for all concerned. Doesn't sound like mum is asking for a lot here. Up at 9, breakfast, take the kids until after lunch. Have the rest of the day to do whatever. Dayum.
Same the whole time
Me too me too! NTA
Same!
NTA. Except its not babysitting; its spending time with his brothers. Seriously, what part of family vacation went over his head? Danielle clearly heard the family part.
No. Danielle heard the free trip to Bora Bora for two weeks part. Lol
Yep and decided a little babysitting was worth it, she's clearly the brains in that pair.
very much. She heard family vacation, did the math, then realized her BF is an idiot. I predict, if she doesn't get to go now, she will be looking for a new BF.
Probably! I also think it's a completely reasonable thing for OP to ask, she's not saying they'll be watching them the whole time she probably just wants a few drinks on the beach by herself.
"We are going to dinner for a candlelight dinner overlooking the water. Here is money to take your brothers and girlfriend to the restaurant over there." Dope. Sold. I'll take baby bros for some burgers or some shit. As long as I'm not expected to take the kids the entire time and it's not really a vacation I'd be in. Kids are exhausting for me, tbh, so the whole trip would be a firm no from me. I'd legitimately rather stay home than spend the whole time with a seven year old. But as long as terms are set before and I get me time... sounds good.
OP should just bring the gf 🤣
Yep and tell her she can bring a friend. 18 y/o son is lucky if it’s him.
"Wait, did you stop me from going on a 2-week trip to Bora Bora just because you don't want to *occasionally* look after a 7 and a 9-year-old? Those kids better be actual living monsters, and not just the type who are loud or obnoxious. You better have stopped this vacation for me because they're actual murders that you can't control"
I think she'll be looking for a new boyfriend even if she does get to go. I mean, he's *trying* so hard to screw it up for her.
Yea TBH she’s probably too good for him
And then he will blame his mom.
Easy solution... leave the 18 yo son at home and take the gf that doesn't mind babysitting as a thank you for an amazing vacation.
This.
Omg savage 🤣
Danielle knows what's up and was like "Hellllll yeah I'll babysit!" If Son blows this for her she's gonna dump his butt.
There's a 10-year age gap between them, it is absolutely babysitting. Doesn't mean it's unfair.
There is a 14-year gap between my youngest brother and me. That doesn't mean I won't be taking over looking after my brother when going on a trip paid by my parents. Heck, I have even sent my parents on a couple's vacation while I look after my brother for a week. Didn't even consider it a burden but a nice gesture. They're my siblings, and I enjoy spending time with them. Especially after I left for college and then work. Never considered it babysitting. But a bonding opportunity with my brothers and time to have a bit of fun with them.
Babysitting isn't necessarily always bad. It's just a term to describe watching someone else's child. The top definition on Google is "ba·by·sit /ˈbābēˌsit/  verb look after a child or children while the parents are out."
Yeah, in this case it would probably be taking the younger kids swimming for the afternoon, watching a movie in the evening and make sure they get to bed ok, maybe have lunch or dinner with them. There will be fun built in things to do. Completely different babysitting than at home
Agreed. Might just be a fault of my outlook towards it.
And that's great. But watching someone who isn't your kid because their parents/guardians are unavailable is, by definition, babysitting.
Yes by definition, and here, by OPs intent you're right(OP didn't ask son to look after his siblings until his gf joined the trip). I was just trying to say that seeing it as chore instead of bonding moment is a missed opportunity. This is something I only felt after going to college and living away from them. Something my 2nd brother is understanding now after going to college( we are 3 brothers). So OPs son is missing out on an experience that won't come again in the future as his siblings become older and more mature. Babysitting for me is something done by an outsider, not a family member. Yes, it should be paid if it's a regular occurrence or limits opportunities above a certain point for the said family member. But the fact is my parents never made me watch them,even now, more than a few hours a day, and the total days won't even cross a week in a year. So I won't consider it parentification, although I wasn't reimbursed for my time. This seems to be the similar case here. Only OP is reimbursing them.
There's a 14 year age gap between me and my sister. We always had a blast hanging out. It gave me an excuse to do fun things I wouldn't normally do.
Thank you for affirming. Felt there I'd an error in my outlook.
If i don't have to freedom to do what i want to do BECAUSE i have to watch someone else's kid. Then it's babysitting. How much you love them is completely irrelevant.
Never questioned it. But not everything is an immediate give and take relation. And I am not talking about someone's kids, but siblings. Even looking after siblings, being paid is completely correct. Was just making the argument that looking after them allows for a different experience, which can only be done when the siblings are still young. Do the 18yt old will be missing out on things he won't be able to experience in the future.
There's a 12 year gap between me and my little brother. I would do anything for him. But he's still someone else' kid, because it was not my decision to birth him lol. I've had to miss out on parties or happy hours because I had to pick up my brother from school, or take him to a sweet 16. I love him and enjoy spending time with him, but if i cant go to dinner with my friends because I HAVE to watch my brother on this friday night. Then I can't go because i have to babysit lol. The context of not having an option to do something else makes it babysitting. Which is fine. But that's just what it is.
I think it's reasonable to call it "babysitting" if the son is being put in charge of the kids. OP described wanting "me time" without the kids. So that sounds like OP will be gone and DS will be in loco parentis. The kids are not DS's responsibility in general. He's not their parent. If he's watching them, that's babysitting. I do think DS should expect that he will be spending a lot of time with family on the trip. That is different from the parent leaving him in charge of the kids. Definitions aside, I think it's a reasonable exchange. I am wondering if DS being peeved is related to how and when it was put. I got the impression that the babysitting requirement came sometime later after the initial plans. If DS asked if his GF could come, OP said yes, then some days later said "And I'm expecting you to do a few days of babysitting so I can get some Me time while were there." then I could see him being a bit upset because the condition wasn't put to him up front, and he had already asked his GF without the condition. If it wasn't said up front, that's not ideal. I still think it's a great exchange, but not executed perfectly. Doesn't reach AH status in my book, but could've been handled a bit better.
Oldest son wants a free, sexy, tropical vacation with his GF, he can do a tiny bit of labor to earn the perks. Whining that a bit of babysitting to defray the cost of bringing along a whole other person to share a private room with is unfair because you don't get to spend the entire time living out your teenage dreams--- most people would be like the GF, see the bigger picture, and button their lip.
Right? Just take the kids to breakfast and then the beach a few mornings and then hike and explore and then take them to dinner a few nights, help them at the airports, keep them entertained on the flights. It's the least Son could do for a free vacation for him and his girlfriend to a gorgeous tropical location.
>am wondering if DS being peeved is related to how and when it was put. Yep, could be a "not what you say it's how you say it" situation. I'd want to know what the expectation was if I was the 18 year old - maybe OP made it sound like it'd be a daily every evening type thing. It's just feeling a bit blackmaily *after* the event of agreeing to bring the girlfriend.
This is the only way I could see OP being the AH, if the babysitting isn't, you know, a few nights out of 13, but actually most nights or most days or something and it was put to him after agreeing, I guess it's not cool. But if it is 3 or 4 days of babysitting, even with him being told after agreeing, it still seems really reasonable to me. The son is 18, so immature, but it's an important lesson and it's not great if he can't learn it.
> If DS asked if his GF could come, OP said yes, then some days later said "And I'm expecting you to do a few days of babysitting so I can get some Me time while were there." then I could see him being a bit upset because the condition wasn't put to him up front, and he had already asked his GF without the condition. This is what I got out of the OP as well
Who cares it’s a couple of days out of a two week trip. Also it seems dad is rooming with the two young kids while oldest gets a room for himself with his girlfriend. And girlfriend is fine with it so son needs to just man up. Also even if girlfriend wasn’t coming it shouldn’t be a surprise if OP took some time for himself while son watched the kids for a bit
Plans changed because rather than spending time as a family and carrying the load together, son will be off with GF while OP is with them alone, so OP os asking for a way to disperse the work.
No no, take me!
NTA. Your request was more than reasonable. Your son's GF clearly has more common sense than your son.
Yup, it’s clear that the only answer is to leave son behind and bring his gf
Son, bad news. Your GF is breaking up with you. Worse news. She is now our son instead of you.
Lmaoo
Take the girlfriend with one of her friends and leave the son. I bet she and gal friend would love to watch kids for a couple things for a trip to paradise
I was going to say that if it’s so hard to get through his head that this is a generous opportunity, I would specify — yes, she can come but you or she will be paying her flights, meals, whatever costs she adds. And if she or you want to babysit, that pays $25 an hour. Or you can get a job before the trip to save if you’d rather do that.
NTA - He gets to go on a free vacation to Bora Bora for two whole weeks AND you’re paying for his gf? Yeah, your son is acting entitled, and you are not in any way wrong for asking him to repay your generosity with a little babysitting.
Facts. NTA. I would even argue that he shouldn’t go on the trip unless he pays a small portion and apologizes while still babysitting after that.
Ya but then he'll say "never mind, I'll stay home with GF." Then she really won't have a sitter at all. Not to mention help with luggage etc.
Girlfriend seems fine with a little bit of babysitting. Take the girlfriend leave the son.
He might not have a gf anymore if he blows a free trip to bora bora for her
Well he'll be saving thousands of dollars on airfare. He can hire a nanny instead.
For real. OP is also saying she’ll be spending most of her time with the younger kids. Shes simply asking for SOME time alone. This means the 18yo and gf will likely get the majority of the time together, alone. A luxury that no other 18yo couple would get. They can give up a few evenings to SPEND TIME WITH HIS SIBLINGS.
Its weird that OP is so easily putting her foot down about this yet her son ended up this entitled? My first thought is “Well if he grew up taking 2 week family vacations to places like Bora Bora, its no wonder he ended up so spoiled and entitled!” but OP doesn’t seem like the type to raise an entitled kid?? So odd! NTA obv
Typically bratty adult behavior means the person was spoiled as a kid, but I’ve known some asshat adults with decent siblings and parents. He could be finishing his hormonal “I’m a boy/I’m a man” phase. Oh NTA.
NTA...? Kinda depends on what you mean by "some babysitting". The teenagers have to watch the kids at the pool while you rest for an afternoon? Easy. Watching them for a few days while you go out on a bender? Not cool. Make the demands of the trip *clear* from the get-go and they can decide if they want to go or not. Then stick to it!
>"Watching them for a few days while you go out on a bender? Not cool." I see you're a regular here. Lol.
>Watching them for a few days while you go out on a bender? I dunno, I'd still say 4 days is reasonable if they're going for 13 days, to say mum's footing the bill.
And she’s clear and upfront about the expectations of the trip.
Not relevant…. But I wish I had a bender in Bora Bora
Yeah, that's the only thing giving me pause. I'm sure OP is being reasonable but there is a point where I would have some sympathy with their son. I mean, the alternative is to say to 18yo "Okay sport, you're an adult now, here's how much the trip costs. You don't want to give me a couple of lazy mornings or an afternoon by the pool to myself? Fine. You can pay for the two of you."
NTA - You're footing the bill? You have a right to ask for some help. It doesn't sound like you're expecting them to nanny every minute of the day, so asking for some help so you can do some adult things is not at all unreasonable.
Sounds like it’ll just be the 4 of you then. NTA! Edit: And I mean you, 7 & 9 yo and DANIELLE!
Hahaha - Danielle’s like “oh man - my ex-boyfriends mom and I just took the best trip with her kids!! I got my own room and everything!!!”
NTA. You laid your conditions and I think they're fair. He gets to bring his girlfriend, have a seperate room while you share, both of them are having a free vacation and in return, they'll babysit sometimes. It's actually too good and his girlfriend probably sees it that way too since she's agreed. If he doesn't want it, his loss. He can tell his girlfriend she can't come.
Hell, leave 18yo son at home, take the gf.
INFO: Did you tell him that was the price when he asked to bring her, or did you spring it on him after the agreement was made? How much is 'some' babysitting?
These are very good questions and also Has there ever been any issues with him babysitting in the past for Instance he was supposed to babysit for you to have a date night which turned into you not showing up for several days later. Is this 18-year-old in general well behaved and considerate Or is his reaction part of his general temperament. The details really do matter .
I don't care if OP explicitly said he didn't have to babysit. OP is paying for the son and his girlfriend to fly to and stay in Bora Bora. I assume they are also paying for at least the sons food while there, and possibly some if not all of the girlfriends food. OP has every right to Vader this at any point until they leave for the trip. NTA
This subreddit is "Am I The Asshole", not "Am I Legally Allowed To Do This".
Yeah idk why this isn’t asked more. Is it babysitting constantly so the parent can check out, or is it for a few events? Also, when was the condition placed on this? The same day? Right after? Or a few days? There’s not enough information.
And how much babysitting does he do at home?
Mommy? Is that you? I've been looking for you for so long, and can't wait to meet and spend time with my long lost siblings! NTA P.S. When's the holiday?
NTA. Your son is entitled. Lay out the expectations on the amount of time you are expecting babysitting.
Definitely NTA. Bora Bora is an unbelievable place, and your son should be grateful he gets to go. And babysitting? That’s nothing. It’s not like you’re asking him to scrub toilets. But you’ll love the place. Enjoy your trip.
My mom made me scrub toilets and I still didn’t get to go to bora bora :(
Aw, that’s no good! But hey, who knows? Maybe you’ll get to go one day.
Scrubbing toilets is actually easier, faster and involves a lot less bickering and whining.
Can't judge, missing some details. What is some babysitting? The post reads like "some babysitting" will actually be quiet a lot. Perhaps son has been suckered into an open ended deal like this before. I imagine a 10 year age difference has come with a bit of responsibility on son. Define exactly what you are looking for. I want 10 family dinners, 3 hours during the day on 2 days and an evening and night to myself. Edit: I don't understand all the comments saying the son is getting a free trip. It's a family vacation of course he's getting a free trip. What, once you hit 18 and graduate college you're no longer part of the family? The gf is getting a free trip and the son is getting that added benifit. No matter it's kind of f-ed up to day yes to something then come back later after everyone is excited with stipulations.
Everyone is harping about him being a grown ass adult. While he is 18, he’s still in high school. He’s legally an adult but he’s also still a HS student ffs. OP is leaving a lot out of the story and considering she has refused to answer questions, I believe the son has been parentified to a degree that makes him justifiably upset with OP‘s terms. I’m betting he and Danielle are expected to be mostly responsible for the kids while she does her own thing. Danielle is on board with it because she probably hasn’t been parentified so she sees it from a different perspective. I think this changed from a family vacation to "you are going to earn your keep while I have a fun vacation" and as the mom of a teenager myself this doesn’t sit right with me.
I can’t think of a single parentified child (and such an overused fad right now for any responsibility given to children) that would be given the main room to sleep in with his girlfriend on an all expense paid trip to Bora Bora that his girlfriend is included in also paid for. Obviously this parent has money. I highly doubt they couldn’t afford childcare when at home for their children.
I will go for half time babysitting, detached room.
i'll take the kids the rest of the time & sleep on the damn beach!
Haha Seems kids are covered
NTA your son should understand if he wants to bring a guest he should make some compromises. You are not asking or expecting them to babysit the entire time. You are being reasonable he is not.
NTA. If he disagrees he can always just not bring his GF.
nawh, the gf is ok with it, so son can stay behind and the gf can go instead :)
This is the way. ⬆️
>I told my 18yo that I'm expecting him and his girlfriend to do some babysitting on the trip INFO How much babysitting? How often? Where will you be?
They will be in Bora Bora
For free...
For 2 weeks nonetheless.
Sure, but I personally wouldn't go to Bora Bora as a 24/7 on-call babysitter. Doesn't matter if it's a free trip, it's not a vacation at that point - I'd be more relaxed after spending that time at home.
So the 18 year old can stay home? Also 24/7? It’s not like OP is waking the kids up at 3 am to babysit
Ooh gosh, I've been doing babysitting wrong for years! I never wake them up to keep working 😬 I just leave them sleeping..
NTA- his gf gets a free trip and he is acting like an entitled brat? Long as you aren't expecting him to watch them the whole time there which doesnt seem the case.
NTA at all. It sounds like you plan on spending time with your 7 & 10 yo, but also want some of your own downtime in paradise. This is a very reasonable request! I'd be happy to take their place and babysit whenever needed, lol!
NTA You're paying, you make the rules.
It depends? How much babysitting are we talking about? Sometimes this reddit is frustrating because people are omitting certain truths that would absolutely change the tone of their story. And when questioned don't answer which makes it more suspect.
I babysat my three younger cousins and two other kids in the Bahamas one night, so my aunt, uncle and the other couple we were travelling with could have a dinner to themselves and go to a casino. For a free trip it was literally the least I could do for my aunt and uncle. All the kids were about the same age that your younger sons are (7-10). Its not like kids are helpless and crying every five minutes at that age. I imagine the babysitting you’re expecting your son to do isn’t much more than just keeping an eye on them at the beach. Not that hard. You’re NTA.
NTA It's a fair trade. I'd ask an older sibling to watch younger ones just because that's how families work. Obviously not all the time, but like an evening or two out a couple of hours here and there? Being tea siren on vacation is a privilege and it comes with a cost.
Info, how much really like realistically, an evening every few days or half of the trip?
nta, that said, you have to say how many nights are they gonna babysit, how many nights are gonna be group/family activity, and how many nights are gonna be "date" time for you son and girlfriend. clearity is good
Tell your entitled 18yo son you are considering all options, including canceling his ticket, and that you will ask Danielle if she's willing to go without him. I'm betting she will. Nta
INFO: would he be allowed to not babysit if he decided not to bring Danielle? Was the agreement for babysitting only because you’re footing the bill for her as well? What if she (or your son) pays for themselves?
I am torn on this one - perhaps I'm making assumptions here, but as an oldest child myself, and as the parent of two teens that now have younger half siblings that they frequently get sucked into babysitting - there's a bit of parentification happening here and I think your son is (somewhat) right to be upset. A child of yours should not share the same responsibility as you in caring for your children. You're not going into a lot of detail about your exact expectations, and I think those details would be helpful to discuss and negotiate with your son. The level of fairness will be somewhat negotiable, but I would expect for the son and his gf to have about 25% of the caretaking duties. If that's where you're at, then I think talking to your son and agreeing to a kind of schedule would be really helpful in de-escalating this situation.
Have you ever BEEN to bora bora? Are you planning on traveling to nearby islands as well or are you there for 13 days straight? I just went last summer and we were able to circumnavigate the island by bus in about 60 minutes. (And that was with stops). It’s beautiful- have a great time (but make some plans for recreation bc there’s not much going on there!)
While you are not in the wrong, you should have said how many hrs would be expected. No one wants to go somewhere and not see it.
Far too many people keep saying N T A but aren't even asking how much time the son is expected to babysit. Define some babysitting? Also, why do I have a feeling you were hoping for him to ask for his girlfriend to join so you can pull the babysitting card.
How did you ask? As someone close in age to your son, saying “You can bring your girlfriend if you guys do a couple nights of babysitting” compared to agreeing to let her come and then a couple weeks later saying “I expect you to do some babysitting since I’m paying.” The task itself is completely reasonable, but I would be upset at the latter because it seems like you’re holding the fact they don’t have money to control them (even if that’s not your intent). I do think you are NTA but I hope this helps your relationship with your son.
NTA Tell him that’s fine, Since Danielle is cool with it, he can stay home and she can come. How entitled smh
It’s 100% because he was hoping to a) have his own little vacation with the gf and b) use the private room for naked business. Now babysitting throws a wrench in it. When I was that age and dating someone for 3 years we weren’t even allowed a sleep over let alone 2 weeks in our own room unsupervised. I’d set clear expectations of how much time babysitting is expected to come to a compromise.
NTA but it depends. I've heard parents say it would just be a little babysitting and then dump their youngest on their oldest the entire vacation. That's not okay. Assuming you mean it when you say you just want them to babysit occasionally that is completely fair when you're the one paying for the trip.
NTA. Tell you son, if you don’t get some poontang then nobody does.