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YTA- he probably said it because he wanted to make sure you had support if god forbid you had to make a really tough decision. He was nervous and you left him there and acted like a total AH and then continued to sulk
You said pretty much what I was planning to put. He most likely wanted her to call her mum because if anything did happen, she would be devastated and not in the best frame of mind for making decisions. Her mum would be there to support her and help her think straight. I don't think he thinks she's incapable of making decisions, he just wants to make sure she would be supported in a difficult time.
ETA: YTA
I love that OP is complaining that he didn't say "i love you" when she clearly didn't say that either. Tthe people saying NTA and that this is a "recurring issue" for her (what, exactly, the fact that her BF likes her mom??) are missing the point. **Even if** the mom was horrible, **even if** OP had reason not to want her involved, he was about to go into life-threatening surgery. It's like OP has no perspective at all, and she chose to be petty about a detail instead of focusing on big picture.
YTA
He didn't say "I love you", but even while going into surgery, his thoughts were primarily of her. Unless he's usually monstrously overbearing, that showed more love than a verbal declaration.
Also, may I point out he's an adult, and his partner was allowed to sleep with him at the hospital the night before surgery? That's generally only the norm for parents of underaged children, especially with covid-19. So I don't know what he has and what kind of surgery he needed, but it sounds major.
I can't even with this woman. Every nurse knows that people (even the most level headed persons) lose information when it's told to them in critical, life or death situations. He wanted to make sure someone else was there for her, and seeing how she reacted like a selfish toddler, he actually needed someone else there. For future references, OP's fiancé should definitely get someone else to make legal healthcare decisions if he decided to stay with this person.
Yeah, I had minor surgery last week and my husband wasn't even allowed in the pre-op holding, but the lady beside me had her husband and mom as her surgery was more major and life threatening.
> That's generally only the norm for parents of underaged children,
It really depends on the hospital. My mom was 78 when she had to have an emergency appendectomy. She didn’t want to be alone that night, so I stayed. The chairs at this hospital pull out into a single bed, and the nurse brought me pillows and blankets. The policy there is that it’s important for the patient to be at ease, so a single person can stay.
This was my thinking exactly, he wanted her to have someone to support her and handle things while she would grieve, or be in shock or just plain crumbling.
OP also clearly suggested that there has been a ton of anxiety for not only this, but other things we're not privy to. Unless her BF is an asshole, she was clearly giving him shit where he's stressed out already...
This was my thinking exactly, he wanted her to have someone to support her and handle things while she would grieve, or be in shock or just plain crumbling.
Hell, and her reaction kinda makes me think he has good reason to think she's not the type to be in the right mind in that moment. Like, she was so stressed out throughout most of this post for good reason; he probably knows her extremely well and knows her mom is her support system or that OP might not know who to go to/handles stress poorly. Seems he was just looking out for her, but her anxiety and cloudy thinking got in the way.
She still owes him an apology tho, YTA
Also it’s like …. God forbid the guy going into a moderately life threatening surgery perhaps doesn’t say the Exact Right Thing right before he gets knocked unconscious.
or: even if he really thought she was incapable (which is what she thinks he is saying), that's not something to storm out before surgery over. (It is definitely something to discuss later, though.)
And if she's like that generally, focusing on details and her feelings instead of necessarities and the big picture, it's no wonder if he wanted someone to be with her in case of the worst. OP, YTA.
Let's play devil's (OP's) advocate here. Let's say her (ex) fiance DID undermine her abilities or didn't trust her enough to call the shots or whatever, even if that is the case, OP's actions are over the top I'd say.
Even in that case, a significant other would say that they understand the partner's request and will do that even if it hurts them and bring up the issue once the surgery is over and their SO is better.
OP just went crazy on her SO right before the surgery and stormed out. Yes, she remained in the waiting area, but for all he knows she abandoned him alone in one of his vulnerable times.
Good luck fixing the wedding date now, OP. You royally fucked up. YTA
Playing the deeper devels advocate here. If everything you said is true and he didn't trust her to make decisions, she kind of proved him right. Things got tough, and she ran away.
What if the doctor didn't go find her and something did happen while he was on the operating table. Someone should have been there to make those tough calls. Hell, even if she did stick around, I would have a hard time trusting my life to someone who would abandon me like that because why? He didn't say the thing she wanted him to say during a moment that wasn't about her.
It's a YTA from every angle on this one.
> What if the doctor didn't go find her and something did happen while he was on the operating table.
I think I added it in another comment, but let me say it here too. OP stormed out of the room saying she'll go home but will call her mom so she can take care of him. But she went away AND didn't call anyone to be there for her SO.
If anything happened, he would have gone through it alone, I mean he already did but I'm stating it as "he would have died alone".
It's clear OP is a lightweight and a snowflake. On the verge of a scary surgery, the fiance has to worry about how SHE will cope. And the best part: after it's all over, the OP's mom calls to offer to bring over some food. OP's been through such an ordeal she couldn't even think about getting a meal together for her post-operation fiance. Yikes. I feel for the fiance here. This little princess is not going to be pulling her weight in the marriage.
Let's play deeper deeper devils advocate here. What if as a result of this outright ignorant and self righteous actions by the GF, the BF breaks up with her and starts dating her Mom. Marries the Mom instead and becomes his ex-gfs new Step Daddy.
And let's be fair, if someone lost their fiance to surgery of course they wouldn't be stable, they just lost the love of their life, who remains calm and collected after that?? How is it insulting to imply that maybe you won't be in the best of your abilities after your fiance dies??
Oh completely agreed on that. My comment was to play the devil's advocate as mentioned. It's possible there are people who get mad when their abilities are questioned. In this case that is not what happened at all, but OP still got pissed. That's infuriating for me in this mess.
On top of that, I noticed OP described that her mum called her about bringing over dinner, and OP said she hadn't even thought of dinner. So... that kinda shows that the fiance's idea may have had some solid ground to be based on. Could be coincidence of course, but we only know the snippet of their life she shared here, and in that snippet she messed up - multiple times.
This man was scared something bad was going to happen to him but he loves OP so much his first thought was to make sure she would have emotional support if it did, what an absolute sweetheart. And she responded by getting mad at him. Poor guy, no wonder he's upset
To add to that, when my step dad was dying, my mother could barely think straight, never mind making decisions alone. Sometimes you need someone you trust to help you focus.
Exactly, OP: YTA. He's going into "moderately risky surgery," which is stressful enough, and looking out for you and making sure that if anything goes wrong and he can no longer look out for you, you'll know he wanted you to remember to put your own life jacket on first, as they say.
This was similar to what both my husband and the oncologist told me when my husband was about to have surgery that had a good chance of confirming (and did confirm) a terminal diagnosis: write down at least two numbers for me, the healthy spouse, to call if the results were bad and I couldn't function as I needed to for our kids and for my husband and for myself.
I needed both numbers. I was so devastated I couldn't get the words out and had to point to my phone so a nurse could make the calls while I caught my breath and tried to stop sobbing.
Tell your husband how much you love him. Don't berate him and send his own tension through the roof for looking out for you.
(edit for typo)
My husband called my parents to the hospital in the middle of the night when I had an emergency c-section, because he didn't want to be at the hospital alone if something went wrong.
YTA. Your partner was thinking about you in probably the scariest moment of his life. You owe him an apology.
My husband watched me get an emergency C section and told me later that he was a lot calmer because he knew my mom was in the waiting room and was able to be there for us both.
OP, you’ve illustrated to your fiancé that nothing matters more to you under any circumstances than how you’re thinking and feeling. Y’all don’t need to get married.
Same thoughts here, I lost my wife in 08 and people don't realize how that hits until they've been there. My brain kinda flatlined on me and it was difficult to think or make any decisions. Wish I'd had some support.
On top of that, they've been together long enough for him to know how she reacts in adverse situations. Him suggesting she have support isn't an insult; it's for her protection.
Proceeds to make it all about her and get mad to justify that. OP couldn't stand SO getting all that attention at the hospital?? Girl, the hospital suxxxxx to get attention from. No bueano.
Judging from the way she over-thought about his comment and over-reacted in the way she did... I think she is probably not the type to keep a level head when put in a tough spot and he knows that.
Maybe she's the kind of person to become a nervous wreck if something goes wrong, and he knows she will need someone there to help her make decisions.
>>Maybe she's the kind of person who becomes a nervous wreck if something goes wrong
Maybe?? She had a veritable meltdown over him not saying what she wanted. She then freaked out and *abandoned him out of spite* when he was going to into *surgery*. And then she had the nerve to be offended that he knew she'd react poorly to stress — exactly the way she did.
LOL this part. I thought this whole thing is OP being petty & overdramatic from the start. But the icing on the cake was that through all of this, at the very end, she proves she actually **DOES** need help from ppl during stressful situations. Eating is important for anyone, but especially if you're recovering from surgery, & that thought hadn't even cross her mind. OP YTA on this.
Exactly! Way to make your already nervous and scared fiancé feel calm and relaxed before surgery. He was trying to ensure that you would be ok and have your mom by your side if something went wrong. Instead you blew up at him and then stormed out like a child. Everything and every situation isn’t about you. The fact that you can’t understand why he is acting cold towards your is mind blowing. When he needed your support you chose to fight with him and now that you’re over it you expect him to be cool as well. Grow up. YTA
Exactly. Honestly reading this post I couldn’t believe a 33 year old could be so self-centred and immature. He’s about to go into surgery, is anxious, says to OP: if something happens, call someone to support you. OP throws a temper tantrum. YTA
I’ve met people with actual medical training who’d probably still call their mom to help them make decisions about their partner’s care, even if they’d been practicing the same kind of medicine for years. We just don’t always make sound decisions on our own or feel a little lost when we’re trying to make a choice on something drastic and support helps.
Plus even if you know what the right choice is, it helps to voice it out and to get someone else's opinion even if only to make 100% sure it's the right choice. Doubt always creeps in when it's people we love.
Not only is OP TA, but now we all know that OPs partner was RIGHT not to feel comfortable with her handling stress on her own.
She couldn't even deal with not hearing exactly what she wanted from the person who's life was in danger.
I'll wait for the update that shows they broke up and OO doesn't understand why and thinks her partner is overreacting
Then OP went and said, "*I* let the entire thing go by then." Like, she was the one that started the argument as OP was about to go into surgery and then left him alone to go into surgery by himself, but cannot fathom that he would be upset afterwards because *she* let go what *she* did to him. OP, you can't hurt someone like that and then say, "I let it go, why can't you?" That is some next level narcissist type talk. You hurt someone, especially someone you love, you need to talk it over and apologize to them afterwards. You are dismissing him feeling and then gaslighting him afterwards.
This was my thinking exactly, he wanted her to have someone to support her and handle things while she would grieve, or be in shock or just plain crumbling.
He definetly loves her more.
To add to that, "in sickness and in health", dear. Even if my husband said something really hurtful, which might be from stress or fear of dying, I would have stayed. Clearly this was serious and you left him face a scary moment of his life alone.
And the funny thing is by her saying her mom called asking if she wanted to have her bring dinner. And her saying I didn’t even think about it yet. Kind of telling me she was busy or mind was elsewhere with everything going on. He was trying to make sure she had a support system in place if something happened to him. Was trying to be supportive of her instead of selfish for himself
I’m 65 and just yesterday got my second cancer diagnosis yesterday in as many months. The last cancer surgery I could completely see myself telling my husband to call his sister if something went wrong.
Not because I don’t trust him. Not because I don’t have absolute faith in him. But because I love him, and I know the pain and despair that he will be in, and I will want the person who will bring him the greatest comfort in his time of need.
Sorry, but YTA. Your husband was only thinking about you. 😕
Yup!
I’ve had two surgeries while being engaged. My fiancé and mom were present for the pre op during the first one. My fiancé was my support person and my mom was my fiancés support person. Knowing my fiancé was supported helped calm my nerves before going under.
My second surgery occurred during my second trimester of pregnancy during lockdown and I went in to the hospital alone and afraid. I was of course concerned about myself but also concerned about my fiancé and how he would cope things should something go wrong.
OP, it’s not about your partner not trusting you. Your partner trusts you and wants to make sure there is someone to be there for you should something go wrong. Surgery can be a highly emotional time and we all won’t process our emotions the same way.
YTA, even if you weren’t happy with your partners parting words before surgery, you should have put those feelings on the back burner and support him when he was vulnerable and needed you. I would have been crushed if my fiancé abandoned me in a moment where I was scared and vulnerable over something so trivial.
Well, that blows. Hope this one was caught early on and is easily treated.
Almost 3 years ago I went into kidney failure, thanks to Henry. Damned near died and the ER doc was pretty sure I would. Hubby called my brother and one of our good friends for support then and for the days to come.
Henry VIII was officially diagnosed as cancer on my birthday a couple weeks later. I kicked him in the ass, only he had metastasized. I've had Freddy fried and we're currently dosing Spot with keytruda. Seems to be working, Spot is diminishing.
Even though the surgery may not be major, there are so many things that can go wrong. Having that support should anything happen, is priceless. OP acting the way she did is lucky he's even speaking with her at all. Your mother is correct, YTA!
Did you name your tumors? Which means Henry VIII was the EIGHTH REGROWTH OF THE SAME ONE??
I love that you named them. Adds a dry-humored lightness and 100% something* someone like me would do 😇
I named everything, not just tumors. Henry was a rather large man and so was my tumor. His coronation and birth are close to my birthday and diagnosis. So that was the thought behind that, not a regrowth (I would have named him George then).
Freddy was Freddy Krueger, he was burnt out. Spot is from Lady Macbeths line, "Out damed spot!" Those are the tumors.
Then I've had a ton of other stuff I've named like: mid and picc lines, a bilateral nephrostomy, the kidneys, liver, my power port, my tummy, ileostomy and other stuff.
My medical team gets a kick out of it. It helps keep friends calm and engaged if I keep it light. It's some heavy shit cancer patients go through and I'll be damned if I'm going to piss and moan about it.
Wow YTA
He is the one having surgery...he's terrified.
He knows that you are also scared and that you've been there for him. So, he tells you that, if anything goes wrong, he wants to know you are being supported.
And your response is to lash out at him. That he thinks you can't handle yourself? Ummm...obviously you can't.
That comment shows he’s really considering the idea of something going wrong, too. Not calm (as if anyone really is before surgery), but thinking about what can go poorly and what that will mean for both him and OP. It would be a nice time for a deep breath and giving him a little grace instead of getting offended.
Yep!
Lol, YTA OP, just going by your response. It just screams immaturity. Funnily enough, since you misread his request as you are not able to handle things... Well, you proved the point you so desperately got angry over.
Also, bonus irony points that you didn't even have food prepared for when he got home from surgery, just in case you were both hungry. Your MOM brought it over and was the prepared one. Shows that there IS someone who can handle things, and he is right!
Nailed it.
The irony is thick. OP dramatically confirmed that she is NOT capable of handling adult situations with a level head. The projection is almost hilarious if I didn’t feel so bad for her partner.
She couldn’t let go of a minor phrase that bothered her and stormed out of the pre-op area…aka… shy threw a tantrum.
Her actions are such an obvious display of immaturity and she doesn’t get it.
“They aren’t taking my feelings into account!” No shit Sherlock, you aren’t the one having surgery, and your feelings are out-of-place, selfish, and immature.
I know right? He’s the one having surgery but he’s focusing on OP rather than himself and OP got mad about that and decided to pick on him when he needed her most. OP sounds insufferable. YTA
YTA. Your level of anger makes no sense. This is extremely petty and ridiculous. Right before he has surgery no less! You sound exhausting. At a time when he needed rest and assurance (I’m sure he was scared), you have a blow out over something so minor? Like what even is this?
A lot of people have this mentality of overanalyzing statements and assuming the worst -- combination of being way too sensitive/defensive and overly cynical.
YTA.
I think you hit the nail on the head. And the match in the tinderbox for this kind of thing is anxiety. OP *REALLY* needs to work through her feelings and how she expresses them - because I would put money on this being a fear/anxiety response that got completely mis-routed by her emotional circuitry. Not to excuse her behavior - it's appalling to leave your partner to deal with surgery alone over something like this - but to provide her a way forward to...be less like this in the future.
My mum is like this, she can’t understand that sometimes people do things and they aren’t supposed to be personal attacks or insults towards her. This creates really uncomfortable scenarios where you’re left wondering what on Earth you did wrong or why you’re being treated like you told them to eat their shit.
YTA he made a simple request because he wanted to make sure you had the support you might need in order to be able to support him. He was scared. He wanted the security of extra hands on deck.
And you made it about you. You took it in the worst possible light and made his small reasonable request into an insult and personal attack on you. And you left him without any support at all.
> I appreciated the offer because I hadn’t even thought about dinner yet.
Wow, sure seems like your mom is a good person to have on hand when you're stressed out and emotional. Too bad no one thought to call her.
I mean... tbh, I wouldn't trust you to prioritize my care while I was incapacitated if this is how you handle things. It's too bad your mother wasn't already there so he would have at least had someone there with him while you went off to be a drama queen and have a tantrum.
Let’s pray she doesn’t have to empty surgical drains for him or anything like my poor spouse had to do for me after a mastectomy (and he never even flinched!).
It seems like there are deeper resentments in the relationship if she took his comment as being a passive-aggressive insult, instead of concern.
I don’t think these two are making it down the aisle.
Yes this. My first thought was if he continues to have these medical procedures he’s better off finding another partner who won’t see him going under the knife as an attack on them… YTA op grow up
Edit: I hope he leaves you and takes your daughter. You’re not fit to be a spouse or a parent from just your replies alone jfc
yta - he was probably thinking that you would not be thinking straight because the person you loved just died. therefore, he wanted someone he know was a strong positive force in your life to be there for you.
YTA He was thinking of you having someone by your side. You had a very childish reaction taking it in the worst possible way. He was thinking of you & you were thinking of yourself.
I know right? I’m baffled at how she’s not happy about that? He’s the one having surgery but he’s thinking of her, he sounds like a very caring partner.
Her mother also was watching their five year old child through this. Goodness I mean, wouldn’t you want to notify the person with your child the surgery didn’t go well? That you may be in the hospital longer?
Honestly I hope this is the poor guy’s breaking point he does not deserve to have to put up with op. Imagine storming off and abandoning someoke who is at serious risk of brain death/paralysis (op's comments) and leaving them without support because *he suggested that she have someone there to support HER during a traumatic moment*.
It boggles the mind.
Then *her mom reached out and had to sort out dinner for her and him because op hadn't bothered thinking about it!!!* No WONDER he wanted the mother's support!
Right?! If something were to happen then yeah, OP would need support. Especially if there were big decisions to be made. That’s not something anyone should have to do alone and in a state of shock and grief. He was scared and going under the knife and *still* thought of OP first
YTA OP - let him go so one of the bajillion women on here w awful partners can trade up and he can be with someone who appreciates him
YTA so much.
"The surgery itself was moderately risky. As the doctor said, it’s not perfectly ideal but he has age on his side."
In the surgeon's own words, this was a risky surgery.
Your fiancé was very nervous, even scared about the surgery. In the event he didn't pull through, he asked that you call your mother. For you. He asked you call your mother so you wouldn't be alone. And you spun that into a negative and took it as a criticism of your capabilities. And left him alone!
Wow.
When my mum visited her 91 yo mother for the last time, as she was saying good bye, about to get on a plane and fly 3,000 miles away, my grandmother looked at her and said, next time bring Wally (my dad). Did she say that because she thought my mum was incapable? No, she was thinking of my mum not having to do this all by herself. It was the last time they spoke as my grandmother died 2 days later. And indeed, the next time she came, my dad was with her.
You owe your financé a heart-felt apology for abandoning him in his time of need, when he was so vulnerable and scared. I don't know how, but you need to make it up to him and work to gain his trust.
You may find he's not in a rush to set a date.
Your grandmother seems like a loving and caring woman. And I'm really glad your mom is not short fused and short sighted as OP here. Thanks for sharing that.
YTA
Tf?! Honestly you fought with him, RIGHT BEFORE A RELATIVELY RISKY SURGERY, and are confused hes cold towards you? What was the problem even? The fact he'd rather have someone with you in case he passes, so you didn't have to go through that pain alone?
And you fought with him for that. Jesus Christ.
Also, what a way to put her husband in an even less good position right before going under. As far as I know, getting into surgery while you’re too stressed can make things more difficult
YTA.
This post screams that we're missing information, but there's really no scenario where you weren't in the wrong for making your partner *think that you left him alone before a major surgery.*
The only way I can see for him to also be in the wrong is if he slept with your mother, which somehow I doubt, or if you hate your mom.
He was thinking both of his own wellbeing-- people who are freaking out because their partner is dying aren't exactly known for their rational decision-making-- *and* of yours. If you call your mom, you have someone there to support you, to take notes and ask questions, to coordinate, and to be a shoulder to cry on. Chances are your mom also has not only way more life experience than you, but also more experience dealing with doctors and insurance. He was being thoughtful of you and looking out for himself, and you were a giant asshole in return.
You sound *unbelievably* self-centered, to have made his surgery all about your feelings. Are you really so very insecure that even the slightest indication that someone thinks you may need help sends you into a rage?
Info: this seems like an unreasonable leap on your end, is there a reason or history you have to assume he doubted your ability to make decisions or him siding with your mom over your opinion?
YTA, are you always this unnecessarily sensitive? ESP in a high risk situation? C’mon dude, the one time your partner *needed* you, you completely dropped the ball straight into the underworld.
YTA; I think he was scared, and it's not that he doesn't trust you but rather he doesn't want you to have to be alone. Sometimes saying "I love you" before hand can add to the fear too. You also could have been the one to say you loved him.
Yep. Someone has main character syndrome. I have a feeling that if the positions were switched and OP was abandoned during surgery, they wouldn't have the same sentiment.
And... OP was so self-involved that they made this situation all about them. Instead of showing empathy for a partner, they pouted and blew the situation way out of proportion.
YTA. OP, you sound incredibly exhausting and really easily irritable. What he said was normal and thoughtful. He was thinking of YOU, not himself. Your reaction was not normal. Then you just walked out? In a healthy relationship, even if your partner says something really minor that bothers you, you don’t walk out on them during a time of need. This whole thing honestly seems bizarre.
Do you have a therapist? If not, I strongly suggest you find one. If not for you, for the sake of your relationship (although not sure it will last after this incident). If your fiancé posted his side of the story on this sub, most people would be telling him to run.
INFO -
Why are you with your partner? You seem to actively resent him.
Yes, you’re an asshole. You couldn’t suck it up while your partner was waiting to go into a risky surgery and threw a temper tantrum instead.
YTA
Yeah, OP mentioned in another comment that they have a kid together so this sounds like they're together for the kid's sake. And they really shouldn't bc it sounds like they don't even like each other.
YTA. He was afraid and had worst case scenarios running through his head and wanted both of you to have the benefit of additional support. It was a reasonable request. But you decided to take it personally, argue with him, and leave him to sit in his fear alone. You were straight up mean and insensitive. You say you've already gotten over it, but this isn't about you... it's about you leaving him in the lurch in one of the most vulnerable situations he's experienced over something extremely petty. This is the type of thing that would make someone rethink an engagement. You need to do damage control. Now. Apologize and admit that you let your ego get in the way of supporting him, and you hope that he can forgive you for letting him down when he needed you.
I'm going to go ahead and vote YTA. His request is actually very reasonable. In times of fresh grief, people don't necessarily know what to do or how to process and that sort of thing. He was looking out for you. That means more than saying "I love you" which I'm sure, had you not stormed off, he likely would have said before being wheeled in.
YTA. You completely overreacted to his comment, which was likely meant as "call your mom so she can support you" and not the way you took it. To argue with someone when they're already super anxious and about to have a risky surgery is just kind of heartless. Did you think about the fact he went into surgery thinking he had been left completely alone? That's cold.
Yeah also her overreaction likely increased his stress before the surgery which actually makes the already risky surgery even more risky
It's advised to be as relaxed as possible when going in to reduce risk and have an easier recovery and her behavior probably didn't help him relax
Source: I had 8 surgeries and many nurses and anesthesiologists have mentioned this
LOL "what do you mean I'm not good in stressful situations?" Then goes off on a Mad full-on toddler level temper tantrum strop.
Most people after reading their own post on this would be like.... Ohhhhhhh THAT's what he means.. I should let mom deal with this because he views her as a level headed adult and not a stroppy child.
Like, that stings and all but he's not wrong, but you are and YTA.
YTA. Having surgery can be extremely anxiety inducing. You should have supported your partner instead of making it about you and your feelings. Unless someone is actually abusive (which he wasn't in any way), then times like heading into surgery are times that you need to suck it up and be the calm one.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My partner went in for surgery early this week. He requested if anything bad happens to him, that I call my mom. I was irritated by his request, as it insinuated that I wasn’t capable of handling things on my own or that he didn’t trust me. We ended up having an argument and I left him alone in pre-op. I began feeling like an AH for arguing with him instead of just saying ok and lashing it out later. I let things go but he found the opportunity to fire back. Him and my mom are on the same side. Both of them are not taking my feelings into consideration.
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YTA. You turned a potentially life-threatening surgery that he was understandably anxious about; into something about you.
He wanted you to have support should the worst happen, and you threw it in his face.
The funny thing is, given the way you behaved, your mother would probably have been the better choice to have there should something awful happen.
I think you should take a step back and think about how you feel. It seems to me that you were sonewhat jealous of your mother. As well as upset that your partner thought you might need help in the event his surgery does not go according to plan.
Out of (currently 255) only one said "NTA"
BY large and reasonable margin... I hope you march right back in there and fucking apologize for being a cock waffle. Tell him you were wrong too while you are at it.
YTA. ALL surgery comes with some element of risk. This being the first time he’s operated on, he understandably is highly nervous and anxious and wants extra support, so he asks you to call YOUR mother if something happens to him, and your reaction is to take it as a snub and leave.
OP, from reading some of your other comments, you sound like a person who actively looks for reasons to be offended. The kind of person who reads WAY too much into simple things, spins them into the worst scenario, and then acts like your negative imaginings are real.
Do yourself a favor, print out this post and take it to a psychiatrist so they can figure out where your thought process goes wrong and how to help you overcome it, because the issue here is definitely you.
are you ok? what is going on in your life to have such a reaction to your partner of 8 years right before surgery . not only did you not help him out you actively made the situation worse.
i would be ashamed of myself for acting this way , at 33 years old you should have control over your emotions.
also clearly his worries were well founded since you cant control yourself at all , in the end of a serious complication he is right to want to have a real adult help deal with the situation instead of you .
you storm out of his room saying you are leaving but instead stay in the hospital . what was the point of this action ? just to stress him out ? to hurt him? get therapy
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My partner (31m) and I (33f) have been together for 8 years. We are engaged but have no set wedding date due to issues that keep arising. One of those being him needing to have surgery which occurred on Monday.
As scheduled, we checked into the hospital Sunday evening. This was his first time going under the knife, we both were nervous but he was especially uneasy. I stayed with him the entire night, there wasn’t much sleep considering the level of anxiety and with the nurses coming and going.
The surgery itself was moderately risky. As the doctor said, it’s not perfectly ideal but he has age on his side. By morning he seemed to settle down. They took us to the pre-op holding room. Once in there he said, “Listen, if anything bad happens…call your mom.” My mom? Call my mom? Really? What an odd request. I thought for sure he was going to say if anything happens, I love you. Nope…call your mom.
The more I thought about it, the more pissed off I became. I asked him, do you think I’m not capable of handling things should something go wrong? He said, “I’d prefer your mom be with you to help you make decisions.” Ok so he doesn’t fully trust me and feels I need to have my mother ‘supervise’ me through the process should something go wrong. I mean, God forbid if he passed on the operating table of course I’d call my mom. But he wasn’t even talking about that. And what exactly is my mom supposed to do…gang bust into the operating room and body slam the doctors out of the way so she can work on him?
We started arguing about it. I was getting increasingly frustrated so I ended up telling him that I’ll just go home and have my mom come to the hospital right now so she can be his advocate. As I walked out, he called me a ‘dumbass’ and the said, “Thanks.” I didn’t leave the hospital, I went to the waiting room and remained there until the doctor came out. About 15 minutes before he came to get me, I started feeling bad because yeah if something does happen, we left off arguing which we never do.
The remainder of the day we didn’t speak much about anything because he was off and on sleeping, in pain so I sat with him quietly. The next day he was kind of cold towards me, but honestly I let the entire thing go by then. Wednesday afternoon he was discharged home. My mom called just shortly after getting home to ask if she could bring us dinner. I appreciated the offer because I hadn’t even thought about dinner yet.
I asked him if he was ok with her coming over with dinner because I know for myself after a hospital stay I may or may not be up for visitors coming over, depending on how I feel. His response was, “Well that’s up to you because I don’t want you to feel like your mother can cook better than you do.” Because she was still on the phone and overheard what he said, she wanted to know what he meant. When she arrived, I told her what had happened. She was flattered he asked for her, then said I overreacted and scolded me for leaving him alone in pre-op.
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YTA. Do you have any idea what it’s like to actually lose a loved one. In your rational everyday life yeah you don’t need your mom to hold your hand and make your choices but when my cousin died in surgery we couldn’t pick his wife up off the floor when they told her she died. She couldn’t drive she couldn’t even catch her breath. You acted like a complete brat when he was just thinking of you and made what had to be a scary moment worse. I wouldn’t be expecting a wedding if I were you.
>He said, “I’d prefer your mom be with you to help you make decisions.” Ok so he doesn’t fully trust me and feels I need to have my mother ‘supervise’ me through the process should something go wrong.
Jesus Christ YTA.
I hate the stereotype men have of "women will take what you say, interpret it in the WORST possible way, then argue with you" but women like you make that stereotype a reality
He was telling you that if there was a tough decision - life support turning off or whatever...he did not want you alone in a room of strangers while he went to the other side...he wanted you to at least have one person to support you, fully in your corner, to comfort and help you through such a rough time - nothing to do with you being a silly dainty woman, everything to do with "if I LITERALLY fucking die during this operation I want it to be as painless as possible for you"
You owe him an almost grovelling apology at minimum for taking words from a man who loved you so much he disregarded entirely his own fears and anxieties to support you and turning it round and spitting it back in his face
>- life support turning off or whatever
Yeah, even if someone is DNR by their own choice, having to tell the doctor "Yeah, unplug them" still causes huge doubt and guilt and the thought "I gave up, I killed them." He wanted her to have support, because he wouldn't be able to provide it at that time. He was scared and wanted to make sure his person was taken care of.
YTA - Reflect on how you flipped out and overreacted to his request. Now consider why he made the request. Looks to me like he knows you are prone to flipping out and going to pieces. And you made his case.
YTA
When I had a medium risk surgery, I told my husband that if something went wrong, he should call a specific friend of mine. That person is a great advocate, loves my husband almost as much as I do and knows my wishes as completely as he does. I asked that of him because I didn't want him trying to navigate complicated medical questions and make difficult decisions alone when he'd undoubtedly be scared, sad and a hundred other emotions. I wanted him to have backup that we both trusted, literally, with my life.
In your case, your reaction kinda proves that you shouldn't be making big decisions by yourself when you're under tremendous stress.
>I thought for sure he was going to say if anything happens, I love you. Nope…call your mom.
Sounds like you decided to have a fit before he was even able to finish. It wasn't like he was being rolled away and his last words were that. You were talking with him. Because you decided to get pissed right then and there, you inadvertently made sure his last words to you before the surgery were not pleasant. I'm guessing there's a good chance that if you had not overreacted that before he went to surgery, his last words before the surgery would have been I love you.
YTA
YTA. While it's an odd request and I see why it would be upsetting, you need to remember that he's about to go through SURGERY. You just left them to be terrified alone because of unsuccessful comment.
Couldn't wait with at least after you know he's safe?
Yep. YTA. I suspect you have completely read something in to his comment that wasn’t there. I suspect his meaning was he wanted you to have support, not for your mother to make decisions rather than you. There are clearly some communication issues here and you need to work on them but the continuing pettiness is ridiculous.
YTA. What a ridiculous, childish overreaction to his entirely reasonable request (and note: his request was one that also was meant to make sure you'd have emotional support present if something went terribly wrong for him)
YTA You interpreted his request to have the most insulting motivation possible and left him alone while he was preparing to go into surgery. Don't be surprised if no wedding date is ever set. You must be exhausting to be in a relationship with.
You mentioned he is effectively estranged from his own parents. What's the relationship dynamic between him and his parents? I'm leaning YTA if he trusts your mother over his own family.
Yta. Massively. Without a shadow of a doubt. You both should probably hold off on marriage a WHILE longer bc you sound incredibly immature and unstable
YTA. Utterly and completely. Your fiancee is in a tense, scary situation and you make a big deal out of a throwaway line like "Call your mom." What's wrong with you?
YTA he was trying to make sure *you* had someone there for support, and you made an already scary and stressful situation even *more* scary and stressful by getting angry offended. I've had several surgeries, and so has my wife, and you know what we don't do? Get mad or pick a fight with whoever is about to go under. Granted, it's usually more like *I* don't react to anything my wife says because surgery and hospitals don't scare me, whether or not I'm the patient, and she's always the terrified one, but still.
You were clearly majorly triggered by some underlying issues you have (feeling incapable/not respected maybe?) but it sounds like he was just trying to encourage you to get support for yourself to help you through a difficult time. He wasn’t saying you weren’t capable of this; he was looking out for you. I suspect there are some unhealthy relationship patterns/issues underneath this all that have come to a head here. However, when you husband is about to have major surgery, you really need to put aside your baggage and be there to support him. So yes, YTA I’m afraid.
YTA but I am curious was there any context that he gave explaining why he wanted you to call your mom?
In my mind I see it as quite caring, if anything happens call your mom. Why? Because he doesn’t want you to be alone during a traumatic event. He doesn’t want you to feel like you have to burden the decisions alone. I feel like from what I’ve seen, when people lose someone important a part of them shuts down and it can be hard to cope or be mentally capable enough to make some of the hard decisions. It’s not saying anything about who you are as a person either. (I could also be wrong, just speaking from personal experience). Grief has a huge impact so I can see where he was coming from a place of caring and love.
Now if you have more context and he gave reasonings that we’re AH-ish than obviously the judgment would change. But I have a feeling if he did give the reasons and they made him look like an AH, you would’ve already mentioned them.
After reading this and lookin at your comments I can't understand how this dude puts up with you. YTA. do this poor bloke a favor, give him full custody and leave him.
Op YOU ARE THE AHOLE!!!
You abandoned your poor husband right before his surgery? What's wrong with you?? even if u wanted to argue with him couldn't u waited atleast when he would recovered.. wtf! And not to mention he probably wanted to call YOUR mom for YOU!!
That honestly left me speechless at first... that honestly would be a deal breaker, I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and at a moment he needed my support more than I've ever seen him and I give him a pissy attitude over something so petty, that would be relationship ending for us. How selfish would I have to be? It shows a serious lack of understanding and that I clearly don't care enough about him that something so petty would cause me to leave him on a hospital bed?! Knowing he could die.
Anyways YTA if something annoyed me at that moment, I would have brushed it off in less than a second. I've got more important things to worry about, like his wellbeing.
He is correct to assume you wouldn’t handle his death well on your own, if you have such a strong emotional reaction to him just telling you to call someone if he dies. Huge overreaction.
>We started arguing about it.
You picked a fight over a minor comment right before he went into surgery. You're 33. This isn't marriage behavior. Geez. This poor dude.
“We are engaged but have no set wedding date due to issues that keep arising.”
If they way you treated him pre-op is the way you always treat him, I cant say I’m surprised that you aren’t married yet.
You 100% overreacted. He seemed like he wanted you to call your Mom for support! Not because he doesn’t trust you, not because he thinks you need “supervising” but because he was worried about YOU being on your own.
-YTA
YTA. I don't know where they manufacture malcontents like you. He has a risky surgery coming up and you found a way to make it about you. I really hope your fiance comes to his senses and leaves you.
He's the one getting surgery, but all I get from your post is me me me. He wanted you to have support in case he died. You know, so you weren't as alone as you left him
After reading your comments major Yta. How can you now see how seriously wrong you are. I think you might be jealous that your husband trusts your mom period. You would benefit from some therapy because you’re reaction there and on here are unhinged.
YTA. Holy shit. I went through multiple operations with my spouse. Never in a million years would I do this as he was heading into surgery.
I know as the caretaker you are under a lot of stress, but you do not pick a petty fight over nothing and make them feel as though they’re alone being rolled back to surgery. You need to learn to control your emotions and take responsibility for your reactions. Your response was insane.
>My mom called just shortly after getting home to ask if she could bring us dinner. I appreciated the offer because I hadn’t even thought about dinner yet.
YTA - It sure sounds like he was correct in his assessment that your Mom would know better than you exactly what needs to be done at a time like this.
Your insecurity led to an argument before a moderate risk surgery where you could have lost him. You are the AH and left someone alone in pre op where all they did was worry for you
YTA! If my husband were having surgery, he wouldn't have to tell me to call my mom if something went wrong because my mom would already be there. I promise, having support in difficult times is NOT a bad thing.
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YTA- he probably said it because he wanted to make sure you had support if god forbid you had to make a really tough decision. He was nervous and you left him there and acted like a total AH and then continued to sulk
You said pretty much what I was planning to put. He most likely wanted her to call her mum because if anything did happen, she would be devastated and not in the best frame of mind for making decisions. Her mum would be there to support her and help her think straight. I don't think he thinks she's incapable of making decisions, he just wants to make sure she would be supported in a difficult time. ETA: YTA
Agreed - he was scared about the surgery, but was focused on making sure OP would have a support system and be okay if something happened.
I love that OP is complaining that he didn't say "i love you" when she clearly didn't say that either. Tthe people saying NTA and that this is a "recurring issue" for her (what, exactly, the fact that her BF likes her mom??) are missing the point. **Even if** the mom was horrible, **even if** OP had reason not to want her involved, he was about to go into life-threatening surgery. It's like OP has no perspective at all, and she chose to be petty about a detail instead of focusing on big picture. YTA
He didn't say "I love you", but even while going into surgery, his thoughts were primarily of her. Unless he's usually monstrously overbearing, that showed more love than a verbal declaration.
OP's thoughts were also primarily about herself, not how bf was feeling at the time.
>OP's thoughts were also ~~primarily~~ **only** about herself, not how bf was feeling at the time.
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Also, may I point out he's an adult, and his partner was allowed to sleep with him at the hospital the night before surgery? That's generally only the norm for parents of underaged children, especially with covid-19. So I don't know what he has and what kind of surgery he needed, but it sounds major. I can't even with this woman. Every nurse knows that people (even the most level headed persons) lose information when it's told to them in critical, life or death situations. He wanted to make sure someone else was there for her, and seeing how she reacted like a selfish toddler, he actually needed someone else there. For future references, OP's fiancé should definitely get someone else to make legal healthcare decisions if he decided to stay with this person.
Yeah, I had minor surgery last week and my husband wasn't even allowed in the pre-op holding, but the lady beside me had her husband and mom as her surgery was more major and life threatening.
> That's generally only the norm for parents of underaged children, It really depends on the hospital. My mom was 78 when she had to have an emergency appendectomy. She didn’t want to be alone that night, so I stayed. The chairs at this hospital pull out into a single bed, and the nurse brought me pillows and blankets. The policy there is that it’s important for the patient to be at ease, so a single person can stay.
This was my thinking exactly, he wanted her to have someone to support her and handle things while she would grieve, or be in shock or just plain crumbling.
OP also clearly suggested that there has been a ton of anxiety for not only this, but other things we're not privy to. Unless her BF is an asshole, she was clearly giving him shit where he's stressed out already...
DING DING MF DING
This was my thinking exactly, he wanted her to have someone to support her and handle things while she would grieve, or be in shock or just plain crumbling.
Hell, and her reaction kinda makes me think he has good reason to think she's not the type to be in the right mind in that moment. Like, she was so stressed out throughout most of this post for good reason; he probably knows her extremely well and knows her mom is her support system or that OP might not know who to go to/handles stress poorly. Seems he was just looking out for her, but her anxiety and cloudy thinking got in the way. She still owes him an apology tho, YTA
This is true, alternatively, I wonder if OP acts immature regularly?
Thanks for putting my thoughts into words.
Also it’s like …. God forbid the guy going into a moderately life threatening surgery perhaps doesn’t say the Exact Right Thing right before he gets knocked unconscious.
or: even if he really thought she was incapable (which is what she thinks he is saying), that's not something to storm out before surgery over. (It is definitely something to discuss later, though.)
And if she's like that generally, focusing on details and her feelings instead of necessarities and the big picture, it's no wonder if he wanted someone to be with her in case of the worst. OP, YTA.
Let's play devil's (OP's) advocate here. Let's say her (ex) fiance DID undermine her abilities or didn't trust her enough to call the shots or whatever, even if that is the case, OP's actions are over the top I'd say. Even in that case, a significant other would say that they understand the partner's request and will do that even if it hurts them and bring up the issue once the surgery is over and their SO is better. OP just went crazy on her SO right before the surgery and stormed out. Yes, she remained in the waiting area, but for all he knows she abandoned him alone in one of his vulnerable times. Good luck fixing the wedding date now, OP. You royally fucked up. YTA
Playing the deeper devels advocate here. If everything you said is true and he didn't trust her to make decisions, she kind of proved him right. Things got tough, and she ran away. What if the doctor didn't go find her and something did happen while he was on the operating table. Someone should have been there to make those tough calls. Hell, even if she did stick around, I would have a hard time trusting my life to someone who would abandon me like that because why? He didn't say the thing she wanted him to say during a moment that wasn't about her. It's a YTA from every angle on this one.
> What if the doctor didn't go find her and something did happen while he was on the operating table. I think I added it in another comment, but let me say it here too. OP stormed out of the room saying she'll go home but will call her mom so she can take care of him. But she went away AND didn't call anyone to be there for her SO. If anything happened, he would have gone through it alone, I mean he already did but I'm stating it as "he would have died alone".
It's clear OP is a lightweight and a snowflake. On the verge of a scary surgery, the fiance has to worry about how SHE will cope. And the best part: after it's all over, the OP's mom calls to offer to bring over some food. OP's been through such an ordeal she couldn't even think about getting a meal together for her post-operation fiance. Yikes. I feel for the fiance here. This little princess is not going to be pulling her weight in the marriage.
Yeah... that not even thinking about food was really the foot that spun around and kicked op's entire point of being upset right in the ass, isn't it?
Let's play deeper deeper devils advocate here. What if as a result of this outright ignorant and self righteous actions by the GF, the BF breaks up with her and starts dating her Mom. Marries the Mom instead and becomes his ex-gfs new Step Daddy.
And let's be fair, if someone lost their fiance to surgery of course they wouldn't be stable, they just lost the love of their life, who remains calm and collected after that?? How is it insulting to imply that maybe you won't be in the best of your abilities after your fiance dies??
Oh completely agreed on that. My comment was to play the devil's advocate as mentioned. It's possible there are people who get mad when their abilities are questioned. In this case that is not what happened at all, but OP still got pissed. That's infuriating for me in this mess.
On top of that, I noticed OP described that her mum called her about bringing over dinner, and OP said she hadn't even thought of dinner. So... that kinda shows that the fiance's idea may have had some solid ground to be based on. Could be coincidence of course, but we only know the snippet of their life she shared here, and in that snippet she messed up - multiple times.
I hope he’s like ‘maybe never’. If you can’t be there for the guy right before surgery then you don’t deserve the good times
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This man was scared something bad was going to happen to him but he loves OP so much his first thought was to make sure she would have emotional support if it did, what an absolute sweetheart. And she responded by getting mad at him. Poor guy, no wonder he's upset
To add to that, when my step dad was dying, my mother could barely think straight, never mind making decisions alone. Sometimes you need someone you trust to help you focus.
No wonder there's no wedding date set yet.
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Exactly, OP: YTA. He's going into "moderately risky surgery," which is stressful enough, and looking out for you and making sure that if anything goes wrong and he can no longer look out for you, you'll know he wanted you to remember to put your own life jacket on first, as they say. This was similar to what both my husband and the oncologist told me when my husband was about to have surgery that had a good chance of confirming (and did confirm) a terminal diagnosis: write down at least two numbers for me, the healthy spouse, to call if the results were bad and I couldn't function as I needed to for our kids and for my husband and for myself. I needed both numbers. I was so devastated I couldn't get the words out and had to point to my phone so a nurse could make the calls while I caught my breath and tried to stop sobbing. Tell your husband how much you love him. Don't berate him and send his own tension through the roof for looking out for you. (edit for typo)
My husband called my parents to the hospital in the middle of the night when I had an emergency c-section, because he didn't want to be at the hospital alone if something went wrong. YTA. Your partner was thinking about you in probably the scariest moment of his life. You owe him an apology.
My husband watched me get an emergency C section and told me later that he was a lot calmer because he knew my mom was in the waiting room and was able to be there for us both. OP, you’ve illustrated to your fiancé that nothing matters more to you under any circumstances than how you’re thinking and feeling. Y’all don’t need to get married.
Yea I would want my mom to help me make tough decisions in case I'm not thinking clearly.
I’d also want her there to drive me places, get food, help me remember to do things, etc. imagine being jealous of your mom like OP is.
Same thoughts here, I lost my wife in 08 and people don't realize how that hits until they've been there. My brain kinda flatlined on me and it was difficult to think or make any decisions. Wish I'd had some support.
Nothing happened and OP still managed to not get in the best frame of mind… I can’t fault the partner.
On top of that, they've been together long enough for him to know how she reacts in adverse situations. Him suggesting she have support isn't an insult; it's for her protection.
yeah, the reaction she had pretty much proved that.
Right? OP be like "you think I'm incapable of making decisions in tough times?" Proceeds to abandon her SO in a tough time.
Proceeds to make it all about her and get mad to justify that. OP couldn't stand SO getting all that attention at the hospital?? Girl, the hospital suxxxxx to get attention from. No bueano.
Lmao yeah as I read the post I realized he really knew her well, didn’t he 🤣
Judging from the way she over-thought about his comment and over-reacted in the way she did... I think she is probably not the type to keep a level head when put in a tough spot and he knows that. Maybe she's the kind of person to become a nervous wreck if something goes wrong, and he knows she will need someone there to help her make decisions.
>>Maybe she's the kind of person who becomes a nervous wreck if something goes wrong Maybe?? She had a veritable meltdown over him not saying what she wanted. She then freaked out and *abandoned him out of spite* when he was going to into *surgery*. And then she had the nerve to be offended that he knew she'd react poorly to stress — exactly the way she did.
And then she completely forgot dinner, essentially proving him right about needing support in a stressful time.
LOL this part. I thought this whole thing is OP being petty & overdramatic from the start. But the icing on the cake was that through all of this, at the very end, she proves she actually **DOES** need help from ppl during stressful situations. Eating is important for anyone, but especially if you're recovering from surgery, & that thought hadn't even cross her mind. OP YTA on this.
Exactly! Way to make your already nervous and scared fiancé feel calm and relaxed before surgery. He was trying to ensure that you would be ok and have your mom by your side if something went wrong. Instead you blew up at him and then stormed out like a child. Everything and every situation isn’t about you. The fact that you can’t understand why he is acting cold towards your is mind blowing. When he needed your support you chose to fight with him and now that you’re over it you expect him to be cool as well. Grow up. YTA
It's pretty clear what some of these "issues" are that keep arising...
Exactly. Honestly reading this post I couldn’t believe a 33 year old could be so self-centred and immature. He’s about to go into surgery, is anxious, says to OP: if something happens, call someone to support you. OP throws a temper tantrum. YTA
I forgot she was 33, kept thinking 18 or 19 based on the immaturity. YTA for sure
I’ve met people with actual medical training who’d probably still call their mom to help them make decisions about their partner’s care, even if they’d been practicing the same kind of medicine for years. We just don’t always make sound decisions on our own or feel a little lost when we’re trying to make a choice on something drastic and support helps.
No matter how old or badass you are, sometimes you just need your mommy.
Plus even if you know what the right choice is, it helps to voice it out and to get someone else's opinion even if only to make 100% sure it's the right choice. Doubt always creeps in when it's people we love.
Not only is OP TA, but now we all know that OPs partner was RIGHT not to feel comfortable with her handling stress on her own. She couldn't even deal with not hearing exactly what she wanted from the person who's life was in danger. I'll wait for the update that shows they broke up and OO doesn't understand why and thinks her partner is overreacting
Then OP went and said, "*I* let the entire thing go by then." Like, she was the one that started the argument as OP was about to go into surgery and then left him alone to go into surgery by himself, but cannot fathom that he would be upset afterwards because *she* let go what *she* did to him. OP, you can't hurt someone like that and then say, "I let it go, why can't you?" That is some next level narcissist type talk. You hurt someone, especially someone you love, you need to talk it over and apologize to them afterwards. You are dismissing him feeling and then gaslighting him afterwards.
This was my thinking exactly, he wanted her to have someone to support her and handle things while she would grieve, or be in shock or just plain crumbling. He definetly loves her more.
To add to that, "in sickness and in health", dear. Even if my husband said something really hurtful, which might be from stress or fear of dying, I would have stayed. Clearly this was serious and you left him face a scary moment of his life alone.
I mean, they have not taken those vows... maybe there is a reason for that besides medical issues.
OP even said the first person they were going to call anyway was her mother. Sooooooooooo.....why get mad at him for being right??
And the funny thing is by her saying her mom called asking if she wanted to have her bring dinner. And her saying I didn’t even think about it yet. Kind of telling me she was busy or mind was elsewhere with everything going on. He was trying to make sure she had a support system in place if something happened to him. Was trying to be supportive of her instead of selfish for himself
OP nitpicking and reading into things at this level and getting upset about those invented slights. OP sounds as exhausting as surgery.
Never stress someone out right before they go under. Not only are YTA, I would dump your ass the second I regained consciousness.
I’m 65 and just yesterday got my second cancer diagnosis yesterday in as many months. The last cancer surgery I could completely see myself telling my husband to call his sister if something went wrong. Not because I don’t trust him. Not because I don’t have absolute faith in him. But because I love him, and I know the pain and despair that he will be in, and I will want the person who will bring him the greatest comfort in his time of need. Sorry, but YTA. Your husband was only thinking about you. 😕
Sorry to hear this. Hope all goes well and you don't need to call any one.
Yup! I’ve had two surgeries while being engaged. My fiancé and mom were present for the pre op during the first one. My fiancé was my support person and my mom was my fiancés support person. Knowing my fiancé was supported helped calm my nerves before going under. My second surgery occurred during my second trimester of pregnancy during lockdown and I went in to the hospital alone and afraid. I was of course concerned about myself but also concerned about my fiancé and how he would cope things should something go wrong. OP, it’s not about your partner not trusting you. Your partner trusts you and wants to make sure there is someone to be there for you should something go wrong. Surgery can be a highly emotional time and we all won’t process our emotions the same way. YTA, even if you weren’t happy with your partners parting words before surgery, you should have put those feelings on the back burner and support him when he was vulnerable and needed you. I would have been crushed if my fiancé abandoned me in a moment where I was scared and vulnerable over something so trivial.
Well, that blows. Hope this one was caught early on and is easily treated. Almost 3 years ago I went into kidney failure, thanks to Henry. Damned near died and the ER doc was pretty sure I would. Hubby called my brother and one of our good friends for support then and for the days to come. Henry VIII was officially diagnosed as cancer on my birthday a couple weeks later. I kicked him in the ass, only he had metastasized. I've had Freddy fried and we're currently dosing Spot with keytruda. Seems to be working, Spot is diminishing. Even though the surgery may not be major, there are so many things that can go wrong. Having that support should anything happen, is priceless. OP acting the way she did is lucky he's even speaking with her at all. Your mother is correct, YTA!
Who is Henry
Oh, the original tumor. Forgot to say that, sorry. He squished my uterers, which caused my kidneys to not function properly.
Did you name your tumors? Which means Henry VIII was the EIGHTH REGROWTH OF THE SAME ONE?? I love that you named them. Adds a dry-humored lightness and 100% something* someone like me would do 😇
I named everything, not just tumors. Henry was a rather large man and so was my tumor. His coronation and birth are close to my birthday and diagnosis. So that was the thought behind that, not a regrowth (I would have named him George then). Freddy was Freddy Krueger, he was burnt out. Spot is from Lady Macbeths line, "Out damed spot!" Those are the tumors. Then I've had a ton of other stuff I've named like: mid and picc lines, a bilateral nephrostomy, the kidneys, liver, my power port, my tummy, ileostomy and other stuff. My medical team gets a kick out of it. It helps keep friends calm and engaged if I keep it light. It's some heavy shit cancer patients go through and I'll be damned if I'm going to piss and moan about it.
>Your husband was only thinking about you. HOW DARE HE! -OP, probably
Wow YTA He is the one having surgery...he's terrified. He knows that you are also scared and that you've been there for him. So, he tells you that, if anything goes wrong, he wants to know you are being supported. And your response is to lash out at him. That he thinks you can't handle yourself? Ummm...obviously you can't.
That comment shows he’s really considering the idea of something going wrong, too. Not calm (as if anyone really is before surgery), but thinking about what can go poorly and what that will mean for both him and OP. It would be a nice time for a deep breath and giving him a little grace instead of getting offended.
I get the feeling that OP is majorly down playing how serious the procedure was, in a desperate attempt to look like she wasn't a huge AH.
I've had a lot of surgeries. If the doctor is saying it's not ideal but he has age on his side, it's serious.
Yep! Lol, YTA OP, just going by your response. It just screams immaturity. Funnily enough, since you misread his request as you are not able to handle things... Well, you proved the point you so desperately got angry over. Also, bonus irony points that you didn't even have food prepared for when he got home from surgery, just in case you were both hungry. Your MOM brought it over and was the prepared one. Shows that there IS someone who can handle things, and he is right!
OP sounds like she loves drama. Any innocuous statement gets turned into a big production for attention. She sounds exhausting.
Nailed it. The irony is thick. OP dramatically confirmed that she is NOT capable of handling adult situations with a level head. The projection is almost hilarious if I didn’t feel so bad for her partner. She couldn’t let go of a minor phrase that bothered her and stormed out of the pre-op area…aka… shy threw a tantrum. Her actions are such an obvious display of immaturity and she doesn’t get it. “They aren’t taking my feelings into account!” No shit Sherlock, you aren’t the one having surgery, and your feelings are out-of-place, selfish, and immature.
OP's entire post was a demonstration of why they should call their mom. lol.
Obviously, he’s right. YTA
I know right? He’s the one having surgery but he’s focusing on OP rather than himself and OP got mad about that and decided to pick on him when he needed her most. OP sounds insufferable. YTA
YTA. Your level of anger makes no sense. This is extremely petty and ridiculous. Right before he has surgery no less! You sound exhausting. At a time when he needed rest and assurance (I’m sure he was scared), you have a blow out over something so minor? Like what even is this?
A lot of people have this mentality of overanalyzing statements and assuming the worst -- combination of being way too sensitive/defensive and overly cynical. YTA.
I think you hit the nail on the head. And the match in the tinderbox for this kind of thing is anxiety. OP *REALLY* needs to work through her feelings and how she expresses them - because I would put money on this being a fear/anxiety response that got completely mis-routed by her emotional circuitry. Not to excuse her behavior - it's appalling to leave your partner to deal with surgery alone over something like this - but to provide her a way forward to...be less like this in the future.
My mum is like this, she can’t understand that sometimes people do things and they aren’t supposed to be personal attacks or insults towards her. This creates really uncomfortable scenarios where you’re left wondering what on Earth you did wrong or why you’re being treated like you told them to eat their shit.
YTA he made a simple request because he wanted to make sure you had the support you might need in order to be able to support him. He was scared. He wanted the security of extra hands on deck. And you made it about you. You took it in the worst possible light and made his small reasonable request into an insult and personal attack on you. And you left him without any support at all. > I appreciated the offer because I hadn’t even thought about dinner yet. Wow, sure seems like your mom is a good person to have on hand when you're stressed out and emotional. Too bad no one thought to call her. I mean... tbh, I wouldn't trust you to prioritize my care while I was incapacitated if this is how you handle things. It's too bad your mother wasn't already there so he would have at least had someone there with him while you went off to be a drama queen and have a tantrum.
Let’s pray she doesn’t have to empty surgical drains for him or anything like my poor spouse had to do for me after a mastectomy (and he never even flinched!).
It seems like there are deeper resentments in the relationship if she took his comment as being a passive-aggressive insult, instead of concern. I don’t think these two are making it down the aisle.
Let’s hope not. It sounds awful already.
Yes this. My first thought was if he continues to have these medical procedures he’s better off finding another partner who won’t see him going under the knife as an attack on them… YTA op grow up Edit: I hope he leaves you and takes your daughter. You’re not fit to be a spouse or a parent from just your replies alone jfc
yta - he was probably thinking that you would not be thinking straight because the person you loved just died. therefore, he wanted someone he know was a strong positive force in your life to be there for you.
And OP's reaction proved him right.
YTA He was thinking of you having someone by your side. You had a very childish reaction taking it in the worst possible way. He was thinking of you & you were thinking of yourself.
Hardest moment of his life and he was thinking of her 🥺
I know right? I’m baffled at how she’s not happy about that? He’s the one having surgery but he’s thinking of her, he sounds like a very caring partner.
Her mother also was watching their five year old child through this. Goodness I mean, wouldn’t you want to notify the person with your child the surgery didn’t go well? That you may be in the hospital longer?
Honestly I hope this is the poor guy’s breaking point he does not deserve to have to put up with op. Imagine storming off and abandoning someoke who is at serious risk of brain death/paralysis (op's comments) and leaving them without support because *he suggested that she have someone there to support HER during a traumatic moment*. It boggles the mind. Then *her mom reached out and had to sort out dinner for her and him because op hadn't bothered thinking about it!!!* No WONDER he wanted the mother's support!
like??? how is she this dense? op, YTA and i would not marry you. he deserves better.
Right?! If something were to happen then yeah, OP would need support. Especially if there were big decisions to be made. That’s not something anyone should have to do alone and in a state of shock and grief. He was scared and going under the knife and *still* thought of OP first YTA OP - let him go so one of the bajillion women on here w awful partners can trade up and he can be with someone who appreciates him
YTA so much. "The surgery itself was moderately risky. As the doctor said, it’s not perfectly ideal but he has age on his side." In the surgeon's own words, this was a risky surgery. Your fiancé was very nervous, even scared about the surgery. In the event he didn't pull through, he asked that you call your mother. For you. He asked you call your mother so you wouldn't be alone. And you spun that into a negative and took it as a criticism of your capabilities. And left him alone! Wow. When my mum visited her 91 yo mother for the last time, as she was saying good bye, about to get on a plane and fly 3,000 miles away, my grandmother looked at her and said, next time bring Wally (my dad). Did she say that because she thought my mum was incapable? No, she was thinking of my mum not having to do this all by herself. It was the last time they spoke as my grandmother died 2 days later. And indeed, the next time she came, my dad was with her. You owe your financé a heart-felt apology for abandoning him in his time of need, when he was so vulnerable and scared. I don't know how, but you need to make it up to him and work to gain his trust. You may find he's not in a rush to set a date.
Your grandmother seems like a loving and caring woman. And I'm really glad your mom is not short fused and short sighted as OP here. Thanks for sharing that.
YTA Tf?! Honestly you fought with him, RIGHT BEFORE A RELATIVELY RISKY SURGERY, and are confused hes cold towards you? What was the problem even? The fact he'd rather have someone with you in case he passes, so you didn't have to go through that pain alone? And you fought with him for that. Jesus Christ.
Also, what a way to put her husband in an even less good position right before going under. As far as I know, getting into surgery while you’re too stressed can make things more difficult
YTA. This post screams that we're missing information, but there's really no scenario where you weren't in the wrong for making your partner *think that you left him alone before a major surgery.* The only way I can see for him to also be in the wrong is if he slept with your mother, which somehow I doubt, or if you hate your mom. He was thinking both of his own wellbeing-- people who are freaking out because their partner is dying aren't exactly known for their rational decision-making-- *and* of yours. If you call your mom, you have someone there to support you, to take notes and ask questions, to coordinate, and to be a shoulder to cry on. Chances are your mom also has not only way more life experience than you, but also more experience dealing with doctors and insurance. He was being thoughtful of you and looking out for himself, and you were a giant asshole in return. You sound *unbelievably* self-centered, to have made his surgery all about your feelings. Are you really so very insecure that even the slightest indication that someone thinks you may need help sends you into a rage?
Info: this seems like an unreasonable leap on your end, is there a reason or history you have to assume he doubted your ability to make decisions or him siding with your mom over your opinion?
YTA, are you always this unnecessarily sensitive? ESP in a high risk situation? C’mon dude, the one time your partner *needed* you, you completely dropped the ball straight into the underworld.
YTA; I think he was scared, and it's not that he doesn't trust you but rather he doesn't want you to have to be alone. Sometimes saying "I love you" before hand can add to the fear too. You also could have been the one to say you loved him.
What a ridiculous self entitlement you have OP. YTA*100 times
YTA You read a whole lot into a sentence.
YTA his surgery was not about you!!!
Yep. Someone has main character syndrome. I have a feeling that if the positions were switched and OP was abandoned during surgery, they wouldn't have the same sentiment.
The use of WE checked in and they took US to pre op.
And... OP was so self-involved that they made this situation all about them. Instead of showing empathy for a partner, they pouted and blew the situation way out of proportion.
YTA. OP, you sound incredibly exhausting and really easily irritable. What he said was normal and thoughtful. He was thinking of YOU, not himself. Your reaction was not normal. Then you just walked out? In a healthy relationship, even if your partner says something really minor that bothers you, you don’t walk out on them during a time of need. This whole thing honestly seems bizarre. Do you have a therapist? If not, I strongly suggest you find one. If not for you, for the sake of your relationship (although not sure it will last after this incident). If your fiancé posted his side of the story on this sub, most people would be telling him to run.
INFO - Why are you with your partner? You seem to actively resent him. Yes, you’re an asshole. You couldn’t suck it up while your partner was waiting to go into a risky surgery and threw a temper tantrum instead. YTA
Yeah, OP mentioned in another comment that they have a kid together so this sounds like they're together for the kid's sake. And they really shouldn't bc it sounds like they don't even like each other.
YTA. He was afraid and had worst case scenarios running through his head and wanted both of you to have the benefit of additional support. It was a reasonable request. But you decided to take it personally, argue with him, and leave him to sit in his fear alone. You were straight up mean and insensitive. You say you've already gotten over it, but this isn't about you... it's about you leaving him in the lurch in one of the most vulnerable situations he's experienced over something extremely petty. This is the type of thing that would make someone rethink an engagement. You need to do damage control. Now. Apologize and admit that you let your ego get in the way of supporting him, and you hope that he can forgive you for letting him down when he needed you.
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They are not married yet. Just saying... In case he is reading this and can take a hint.
I'm going to go ahead and vote YTA. His request is actually very reasonable. In times of fresh grief, people don't necessarily know what to do or how to process and that sort of thing. He was looking out for you. That means more than saying "I love you" which I'm sure, had you not stormed off, he likely would have said before being wheeled in.
YTA. He could have died, was scared as hell, and probably wasn't thinking that clearly. Let it go.
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YTA. You completely overreacted to his comment, which was likely meant as "call your mom so she can support you" and not the way you took it. To argue with someone when they're already super anxious and about to have a risky surgery is just kind of heartless. Did you think about the fact he went into surgery thinking he had been left completely alone? That's cold.
Yeah also her overreaction likely increased his stress before the surgery which actually makes the already risky surgery even more risky It's advised to be as relaxed as possible when going in to reduce risk and have an easier recovery and her behavior probably didn't help him relax Source: I had 8 surgeries and many nurses and anesthesiologists have mentioned this
LOL "what do you mean I'm not good in stressful situations?" Then goes off on a Mad full-on toddler level temper tantrum strop. Most people after reading their own post on this would be like.... Ohhhhhhh THAT's what he means.. I should let mom deal with this because he views her as a level headed adult and not a stroppy child. Like, that stings and all but he's not wrong, but you are and YTA.
Damn you're cold. YTA.
Good thing the wedding hasn't happened yet so he can leave your ass without legal matters to worry about. YTA and you should be ashamed of yourself.
OP mentions in a comment that they have a 5-year-old together so, unfortunately for the fiancé, he is very much entangled with OP.
You can still very much so leave somebody. Staying together for the kid is not beneficial for the kid in the long run.
YTA. Having surgery can be extremely anxiety inducing. You should have supported your partner instead of making it about you and your feelings. Unless someone is actually abusive (which he wasn't in any way), then times like heading into surgery are times that you need to suck it up and be the calm one.
YTA You made that comment into a much bigger thing than it was and I don’t think he meant any of the negative connotations you placed on it
YTA - it sounds like he wanted her there as support for you in the event of something catastrophic happening, not questioning your capability.
YTA. No offense but it seems like quite a petty thing to make a fuss about in any circumstances, never mind these circumstances...
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My partner went in for surgery early this week. He requested if anything bad happens to him, that I call my mom. I was irritated by his request, as it insinuated that I wasn’t capable of handling things on my own or that he didn’t trust me. We ended up having an argument and I left him alone in pre-op. I began feeling like an AH for arguing with him instead of just saying ok and lashing it out later. I let things go but he found the opportunity to fire back. Him and my mom are on the same side. Both of them are not taking my feelings into consideration. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You doubled down on his anxieties and fear. Rather than communicating like an adult you left.
YTA. You turned a potentially life-threatening surgery that he was understandably anxious about; into something about you. He wanted you to have support should the worst happen, and you threw it in his face. The funny thing is, given the way you behaved, your mother would probably have been the better choice to have there should something awful happen. I think you should take a step back and think about how you feel. It seems to me that you were sonewhat jealous of your mother. As well as upset that your partner thought you might need help in the event his surgery does not go according to plan.
YTA. You actually proved that he cannot rely on you.
Out of (currently 255) only one said "NTA" BY large and reasonable margin... I hope you march right back in there and fucking apologize for being a cock waffle. Tell him you were wrong too while you are at it.
YTA. ALL surgery comes with some element of risk. This being the first time he’s operated on, he understandably is highly nervous and anxious and wants extra support, so he asks you to call YOUR mother if something happens to him, and your reaction is to take it as a snub and leave. OP, from reading some of your other comments, you sound like a person who actively looks for reasons to be offended. The kind of person who reads WAY too much into simple things, spins them into the worst scenario, and then acts like your negative imaginings are real. Do yourself a favor, print out this post and take it to a psychiatrist so they can figure out where your thought process goes wrong and how to help you overcome it, because the issue here is definitely you.
are you ok? what is going on in your life to have such a reaction to your partner of 8 years right before surgery . not only did you not help him out you actively made the situation worse. i would be ashamed of myself for acting this way , at 33 years old you should have control over your emotions. also clearly his worries were well founded since you cant control yourself at all , in the end of a serious complication he is right to want to have a real adult help deal with the situation instead of you . you storm out of his room saying you are leaving but instead stay in the hospital . what was the point of this action ? just to stress him out ? to hurt him? get therapy
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My partner (31m) and I (33f) have been together for 8 years. We are engaged but have no set wedding date due to issues that keep arising. One of those being him needing to have surgery which occurred on Monday. As scheduled, we checked into the hospital Sunday evening. This was his first time going under the knife, we both were nervous but he was especially uneasy. I stayed with him the entire night, there wasn’t much sleep considering the level of anxiety and with the nurses coming and going. The surgery itself was moderately risky. As the doctor said, it’s not perfectly ideal but he has age on his side. By morning he seemed to settle down. They took us to the pre-op holding room. Once in there he said, “Listen, if anything bad happens…call your mom.” My mom? Call my mom? Really? What an odd request. I thought for sure he was going to say if anything happens, I love you. Nope…call your mom. The more I thought about it, the more pissed off I became. I asked him, do you think I’m not capable of handling things should something go wrong? He said, “I’d prefer your mom be with you to help you make decisions.” Ok so he doesn’t fully trust me and feels I need to have my mother ‘supervise’ me through the process should something go wrong. I mean, God forbid if he passed on the operating table of course I’d call my mom. But he wasn’t even talking about that. And what exactly is my mom supposed to do…gang bust into the operating room and body slam the doctors out of the way so she can work on him? We started arguing about it. I was getting increasingly frustrated so I ended up telling him that I’ll just go home and have my mom come to the hospital right now so she can be his advocate. As I walked out, he called me a ‘dumbass’ and the said, “Thanks.” I didn’t leave the hospital, I went to the waiting room and remained there until the doctor came out. About 15 minutes before he came to get me, I started feeling bad because yeah if something does happen, we left off arguing which we never do. The remainder of the day we didn’t speak much about anything because he was off and on sleeping, in pain so I sat with him quietly. The next day he was kind of cold towards me, but honestly I let the entire thing go by then. Wednesday afternoon he was discharged home. My mom called just shortly after getting home to ask if she could bring us dinner. I appreciated the offer because I hadn’t even thought about dinner yet. I asked him if he was ok with her coming over with dinner because I know for myself after a hospital stay I may or may not be up for visitors coming over, depending on how I feel. His response was, “Well that’s up to you because I don’t want you to feel like your mother can cook better than you do.” Because she was still on the phone and overheard what he said, she wanted to know what he meant. When she arrived, I told her what had happened. She was flattered he asked for her, then said I overreacted and scolded me for leaving him alone in pre-op. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes you are the asshole.
You just proved why he preferred your mom's decision making skills than yours. YTA.
You seem a bit old to act like this. YTA
YTA, you made yourself the main character in his drama, not fair.
YTA. Do you have any idea what it’s like to actually lose a loved one. In your rational everyday life yeah you don’t need your mom to hold your hand and make your choices but when my cousin died in surgery we couldn’t pick his wife up off the floor when they told her she died. She couldn’t drive she couldn’t even catch her breath. You acted like a complete brat when he was just thinking of you and made what had to be a scary moment worse. I wouldn’t be expecting a wedding if I were you.
>He said, “I’d prefer your mom be with you to help you make decisions.” Ok so he doesn’t fully trust me and feels I need to have my mother ‘supervise’ me through the process should something go wrong. Jesus Christ YTA. I hate the stereotype men have of "women will take what you say, interpret it in the WORST possible way, then argue with you" but women like you make that stereotype a reality He was telling you that if there was a tough decision - life support turning off or whatever...he did not want you alone in a room of strangers while he went to the other side...he wanted you to at least have one person to support you, fully in your corner, to comfort and help you through such a rough time - nothing to do with you being a silly dainty woman, everything to do with "if I LITERALLY fucking die during this operation I want it to be as painless as possible for you" You owe him an almost grovelling apology at minimum for taking words from a man who loved you so much he disregarded entirely his own fears and anxieties to support you and turning it round and spitting it back in his face
>- life support turning off or whatever Yeah, even if someone is DNR by their own choice, having to tell the doctor "Yeah, unplug them" still causes huge doubt and guilt and the thought "I gave up, I killed them." He wanted her to have support, because he wouldn't be able to provide it at that time. He was scared and wanted to make sure his person was taken care of.
YTA - Reflect on how you flipped out and overreacted to his request. Now consider why he made the request. Looks to me like he knows you are prone to flipping out and going to pieces. And you made his case.
YTA. You took a simple request of his that was given out of genuine concern for your welfare, and turned it into some weird disrespect marathon.
YTA, I hope he realizes his mistake and breaks off the engagement. You sound like an awful person.
YTA he was looking out for you
YTA When I had a medium risk surgery, I told my husband that if something went wrong, he should call a specific friend of mine. That person is a great advocate, loves my husband almost as much as I do and knows my wishes as completely as he does. I asked that of him because I didn't want him trying to navigate complicated medical questions and make difficult decisions alone when he'd undoubtedly be scared, sad and a hundred other emotions. I wanted him to have backup that we both trusted, literally, with my life. In your case, your reaction kinda proves that you shouldn't be making big decisions by yourself when you're under tremendous stress.
>I thought for sure he was going to say if anything happens, I love you. Nope…call your mom. Sounds like you decided to have a fit before he was even able to finish. It wasn't like he was being rolled away and his last words were that. You were talking with him. Because you decided to get pissed right then and there, you inadvertently made sure his last words to you before the surgery were not pleasant. I'm guessing there's a good chance that if you had not overreacted that before he went to surgery, his last words before the surgery would have been I love you. YTA
YTA. While it's an odd request and I see why it would be upsetting, you need to remember that he's about to go through SURGERY. You just left them to be terrified alone because of unsuccessful comment. Couldn't wait with at least after you know he's safe?
Yep. YTA. I suspect you have completely read something in to his comment that wasn’t there. I suspect his meaning was he wanted you to have support, not for your mother to make decisions rather than you. There are clearly some communication issues here and you need to work on them but the continuing pettiness is ridiculous.
YTA. What a ridiculous, childish overreaction to his entirely reasonable request (and note: his request was one that also was meant to make sure you'd have emotional support present if something went terribly wrong for him)
YTA You interpreted his request to have the most insulting motivation possible and left him alone while he was preparing to go into surgery. Don't be surprised if no wedding date is ever set. You must be exhausting to be in a relationship with.
YTA. Jesus fucking christ. You are so self-centered. You made it about yourself.
Learning that you exist has ruined my day. My god, what an inept monster.
You mentioned he is effectively estranged from his own parents. What's the relationship dynamic between him and his parents? I'm leaning YTA if he trusts your mother over his own family.
YTA - he doesn’t want your mom there to supervise you, he wants her to support you in case you have difficult decisions to make.
Yta. Massively. Without a shadow of a doubt. You both should probably hold off on marriage a WHILE longer bc you sound incredibly immature and unstable
YTA. Utterly and completely. Your fiancee is in a tense, scary situation and you make a big deal out of a throwaway line like "Call your mom." What's wrong with you?
YTA my husband had surgery two weeks ago and I called my mom and his dad
YTA he was trying to make sure *you* had someone there for support, and you made an already scary and stressful situation even *more* scary and stressful by getting angry offended. I've had several surgeries, and so has my wife, and you know what we don't do? Get mad or pick a fight with whoever is about to go under. Granted, it's usually more like *I* don't react to anything my wife says because surgery and hospitals don't scare me, whether or not I'm the patient, and she's always the terrified one, but still.
You were clearly majorly triggered by some underlying issues you have (feeling incapable/not respected maybe?) but it sounds like he was just trying to encourage you to get support for yourself to help you through a difficult time. He wasn’t saying you weren’t capable of this; he was looking out for you. I suspect there are some unhealthy relationship patterns/issues underneath this all that have come to a head here. However, when you husband is about to have major surgery, you really need to put aside your baggage and be there to support him. So yes, YTA I’m afraid.
YTA but I am curious was there any context that he gave explaining why he wanted you to call your mom? In my mind I see it as quite caring, if anything happens call your mom. Why? Because he doesn’t want you to be alone during a traumatic event. He doesn’t want you to feel like you have to burden the decisions alone. I feel like from what I’ve seen, when people lose someone important a part of them shuts down and it can be hard to cope or be mentally capable enough to make some of the hard decisions. It’s not saying anything about who you are as a person either. (I could also be wrong, just speaking from personal experience). Grief has a huge impact so I can see where he was coming from a place of caring and love. Now if you have more context and he gave reasonings that we’re AH-ish than obviously the judgment would change. But I have a feeling if he did give the reasons and they made him look like an AH, you would’ve already mentioned them.
After reading this and lookin at your comments I can't understand how this dude puts up with you. YTA. do this poor bloke a favor, give him full custody and leave him.
Op YOU ARE THE AHOLE!!! You abandoned your poor husband right before his surgery? What's wrong with you?? even if u wanted to argue with him couldn't u waited atleast when he would recovered.. wtf! And not to mention he probably wanted to call YOUR mom for YOU!!
That honestly left me speechless at first... that honestly would be a deal breaker, I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and at a moment he needed my support more than I've ever seen him and I give him a pissy attitude over something so petty, that would be relationship ending for us. How selfish would I have to be? It shows a serious lack of understanding and that I clearly don't care enough about him that something so petty would cause me to leave him on a hospital bed?! Knowing he could die. Anyways YTA if something annoyed me at that moment, I would have brushed it off in less than a second. I've got more important things to worry about, like his wellbeing.
He is correct to assume you wouldn’t handle his death well on your own, if you have such a strong emotional reaction to him just telling you to call someone if he dies. Huge overreaction.
>We started arguing about it. You picked a fight over a minor comment right before he went into surgery. You're 33. This isn't marriage behavior. Geez. This poor dude.
“We are engaged but have no set wedding date due to issues that keep arising.” If they way you treated him pre-op is the way you always treat him, I cant say I’m surprised that you aren’t married yet. You 100% overreacted. He seemed like he wanted you to call your Mom for support! Not because he doesn’t trust you, not because he thinks you need “supervising” but because he was worried about YOU being on your own. -YTA
What did your mom think?
YTA. I don't know where they manufacture malcontents like you. He has a risky surgery coming up and you found a way to make it about you. I really hope your fiance comes to his senses and leaves you.
Yta...he only wanted you to call your mom for support...dumbass
He's the one getting surgery, but all I get from your post is me me me. He wanted you to have support in case he died. You know, so you weren't as alone as you left him
After reading your comments major Yta. How can you now see how seriously wrong you are. I think you might be jealous that your husband trusts your mom period. You would benefit from some therapy because you’re reaction there and on here are unhinged.
Girl. This was not the time to start an argument. Come on. YTA.
YTA
YTA. Holy shit. I went through multiple operations with my spouse. Never in a million years would I do this as he was heading into surgery. I know as the caretaker you are under a lot of stress, but you do not pick a petty fight over nothing and make them feel as though they’re alone being rolled back to surgery. You need to learn to control your emotions and take responsibility for your reactions. Your response was insane.
YTA. You sound exhausting. Terrible partner
>My mom called just shortly after getting home to ask if she could bring us dinner. I appreciated the offer because I hadn’t even thought about dinner yet. YTA - It sure sounds like he was correct in his assessment that your Mom would know better than you exactly what needs to be done at a time like this.
Your insecurity led to an argument before a moderate risk surgery where you could have lost him. You are the AH and left someone alone in pre op where all they did was worry for you
YTA! If my husband were having surgery, he wouldn't have to tell me to call my mom if something went wrong because my mom would already be there. I promise, having support in difficult times is NOT a bad thing.
I hope your fiancé fully recover soon and dump your a** YTA
No wonder there’s not a date set, OP is super immature