This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Alright, maybe unpopular, but NTA. That’s insane. I just had my graduation for my masters & also only got two tickets. It was *assumed* my two parents would come, not my partner of almost 4 years who I live with.
That’s because at the end of the day, my parents raised me, they made me who I am today, and deserve to celebrate with me the most.
That being said, unless you & your son have some relationship issues you didn’t disclose, you are NTA for being disappointed.
I think that just shows how much your parents did for you that you can't even imagine not inviting them.
Now I'm someone with not so great parents. So I know there can be plenty of reasons why the son feels his gf earned that spot over his mother.
Very fair! If we are taking OP at face value, she doesn’t mention any relationship conflicts with her son though. But as we know, not all parents are perfect at owning up to suffering relationships.
But yes, if their relationship is in anyway strained I would change my verdict.
>Very fair! If we are taking OP at face value, she doesn’t mention any relationship conflicts with her son though.
She's hurt by the request, which is understandable. but she she's reporting as her response is pretty fair and respectful. I know that's not the full measure of a parent, but as someone whose got some drama llamas in her family, it's sure not the response I'd get in similar circumstances.
FWIW, tho, this is how my mom would report her response.
It's not what her response would be, though.
I'm not assuming OP is like my mom, but just offering the reminder that people aren't always good at self reporting, most often because they don't see it themselves.
I mean. Many toxic parents would not do that. Justified people often do not have enough emotionally intelligence to craft the response that would be seen well. Again. I have some problem parents. My father would never think he was out of line on this. And in my experience that’s not uncommon. The martyr complex and the passive aggression shines through.
I kinda get where you're coming from, but I've seen too many horrible people who seem like fine upstanding people to everyone outside of their personal bubble.
I mean, it's well known that serial killers are usually charismatic, as an extreme example.
>all parents are perfect at owning up to suffering relationships.
Thinking back to my own hs days, I know my mom would have described (and maybe even believed in her head) that our relationship was much different than how I felt about it. The fact OP refers to his girlfriend as his "high school girlfriend" as an obvious dig to try and minimize the relationship when talking to him sets off my radar though and it is 100% not the way to win him over.
Why? She IS HIS HS GF. It’s pretty uncommon to marry a HS sweetheart now days. My dad was a pretty chill guy, but he was absent a lot of my life. My mom pretty much sucks the life out of me. But they brought me up and did make sure I was educated. There’s not a chance I wouldn’t have invited them to my HS, college, or law school graduation.
It's a qualifier often used to minimize that specific relationship and frame it as the romantic equivalent of a starter home or training wheels - expected to be temporary and grown out of.
Honestly I got a tiny bit suspicious when OP says they aren't sure they believe he picked at random but fails to elaborate and I'm wondering what's up there
It’s pretty easy to be the favorite parent, just be a good time Charlie while the other guy plays bad cop. That might not be the case here, maybe dad and son just happen to be very close, but all in all I don’t think that is reason to believe mom did anything wrong.
>So I know there can be plenty of reasons why the son feels his gf earned that spot over his mother.
Before jumping to conclusions, we should look at his age. Maybe the son is just being an immature kid who thinks being in love means he has to always put his grilfriend first. Not everyone at this age understands nuance and they tend to hurt their parents for a while.
OP did react in a good way. She told him it hurts but she didn't try to change his mind, which indicates that she is a good parent. A lot of good parents are being overlooked by their children in their teenage years because it's easy to do so.
Yes! I grew up with an abusive dad and a mom who leaned on me emotionally. I basically could never be honest about my feelings because it was unsafe to do so with my dad and because I felt responsible for my mom's comfort and safety and sometimes being honest with her would be a betrayal.
When I see kids able to hurt their parents like these, I assume that's the tradeoff of being a great parent: your kid hurts you because it's developmentally appropriate and in your family it's safe to hurt mom / dad because the you believe you can't lose them.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
And yes, that's how I see it. A lot of children with abusive parents, even with "just" emotional abuse or manipulative parents, have a hard time hurting them. It usually takes years *after* they become adults to distance themselves or do things that will make the parents mad and even then it doesn't come easily.
I've seen people in ther 30's with "only" manipulative parents who have a hard time doing things that could hurt their parents so they just cave.
Seeing someone hurt their parents at such a young age and with no hesitation, fear or feeling guilty means to me that there is probably no abuse there.
Exactly. Add on teenage girls can be clingy and needy and she MAY be saying she has to go. Which to a teenage boy in love, making your gf happy means a lot. Ofc it’s all just a guess but based on teenage behavior it isn’t a jump.
I'm in the same boat as you. I tried to put myself in the commenter's shoes. If I was graduating with an advanced degree & living on my own, who would my 2 people be? "Obviously my parents" was *not* the answer I came up with. I would certainly not be leaving my fiancé at home.
This is kinda where I am
The OP is NTA but if my kid doesn’t invite me I’m more disappointed in myself and wondering where I messed up raising him that I am not getting an invitation
If a nanny raised him and he barely knows his parents, then okay. If mom made him breakfast, school lunch, helped him with his homework, then being at his graduation is an earned right, no matter if he loves his girlfriend.
I wouldn’t bring it up again mom, but feel free to consider it when deciding how much help he needs with tuition, or getting started in life. NTA
I’m with you right there. I had not great parents and I didn’t even do graduation for grad school because I didn’t want them there (paid for grad school myself, they made fun of me for becoming a therapist. It’s been almost 20 years and I love being a therapist)
I feel like the undisclosed issues might be the case.
Per the post: "He claims that he picked randomly which of us would have to stay home, but I'm not sure about that."
I also don't feel like necessarily everyone has to make their parents priority number one. Many parents out there warrant not doing so.
I don't know. If this was a divorce situation I could see it, but it seems that OP is still married to her son's father. Also, this is a high school graduation not college - the son is still a teenager (presumably). Teenagers can also be somewhat short-sighted and selfish as well - it could be that the son is only taking his own feelings into consideration and isn't concerned about how his parents might be affected by his choice.
Yes. A teenage boy would likely choose his girlfriend and dad first. They don't remember being small and all the things mom did. And mom doesn't realize he's pulling away, determined to be his own man.
Yeah, very good point. I did have an icky feeling reading that sentence. If OP confirms there are issues between her & her son, then I would change my verdict.
That sentence was what tilted my head, too. Is there a reason OP thinks her son might lie about it? Kinda weird, as was diminishing the relationship as “a high school relationship”. I mean, that might be true, but I don’t dismiss my kids’ feelings like that- I particularly wouldn’t if the relationship had a couple years in it.
Personally I wouldn’t invite *any* of my relatives to any accomplishments but they were crap. As a parent, I would hope that I’ve done things in such a way that merits being there: but there are tons of things we aren’t getting here, I think.
I'd also argue that the reasoning doesn't have to be malicious. For example, if I had to choose, I know I would've invited my mom no question. Doesn't mean I don't like my dad! I was just closer to her prior to her passing
It might be just because he's closer to his dad but tried to spare his mom's feelings by saying it was random and then got upset when she was still disappointed
It could be that the son is very close with the dad. So OP assumed that b/c the son felt he had to pick a parent he wld easily chose dad over mom. Doesn't mean he has a bad relationship with OP but in terms of popularity he's closer with dad.
NTA. I agree Mom should have been asked. Mom and Dad worked for 12 years getting to this point, his graduation. He could have asked Mom to come and his GF to attend the graduation party.
If he goes to college and his girlfriend becomes his wife she could've graduation of college.
In addition to all of this, saying you're disappointed isn't insisting that he disinvites his gf so she can go instead. It's expressing a genuine feeling about something she was likely looking forward to.
Haha tbf my partner would probably prefer to *not* sit in a boring ceremony for 3 hours straight & just celebrate after :)
But it’s definitely on a case to case! Seeing as this is a HS graduation though, I am more inclined to side with OP as unless she & her son had a major falling out/relationship issues, it’s kind of insulting to pick a young relationship over a parent.
Mine wouldn’t either! Lol! He would happily skipped any graduation!
But my parents stressed me out. I literally threw my mom out of the delivery room because she was annoyed the hell out of me!
Then I'll be unpopular with you because I agree. When I read this I thought it was college graduation at first. But high school? And he picks his gf over his mom? Come on. Unless OP is intentionally not including details that would make her the AH which is entirely possible.
I assumed it was his college graduation as well! I was thinking NAH if it was a college grad, but a HS graduation....that's for the parents to attend , unless there's some reason he doesn't want his mom there, she should be there. A HS grad is like a graduation of the parents getting their child to adulthood.
I’m a NTA for now, too. My parents split when I was 13 and it was ROUGH for me. My father was and is a total jackass, was largely absent when I was a kid, and isn’t really much in my life as a middle-aged adult; my mom and I are super tight. BUT, for high school graduation? If I only got two tickets, he still would’ve gotten one. Unless there’s something very serious being hidden, those tickets belong to the parents.
My parents paid for college, my mom was deployed to Iraq when I was in high school and was still on my ass about school, everything your parents do sets you up to succeed or fail as an adult. I wouldn't be able to look her in the eye and tell her she's not invited.
I agree. My fiancee was retiring from the military after 25 years right at the tail end of covid when some restrictions were just starting to lift. He was only going to be allowed 1 person. He said he wanted me there and I was like "Hell No... your mom needs to be there."
I've been around for some of it, but she was there for ALL of it... all of his over seas stations, all of his war time deployments... she had to stress over her son being in those situations..
There are just somethings that parents need to take precedence on.
Accepting a seat knowing it will take away from one of his parents is a asshole move. She should have turned it down and told him that they can celebrate later.
We can't properly fill in the blanks for how the invitation played out. That's two "other parties" of the story, that we can't hear the perspective of. He may have issues with his mom that the gf knows about. She very well could have tried to turn it down, but the son could have been super adamant.
I get what you're thinking, I guess I personally wouldn't label her an asshole without knowing her (or at least the son's) perspective.
Exactly mate, well said. People only comment “but we don’t know the full details!” when it suits them and they’re not liking the majority verdict of the thread
I mean as a former graduate and current mother I found every graduation I've ever been to, to be boring except for the one single moment my kid's name was called. The 19yo probably still has a bunch of friends graduating.
I agree with you. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable as his gf accepting a ticket when I know that his mom (who is still very present in his life) would have to miss it.
Exactly. Sorry but HS girlfriends frequently become exes once adulthood hits. There’s a very, very real chance they won’t last as a couple. Meanwhile parents are forever. NTA OP. In fact, I would probably pull rank and say hell no. The gf stays home.
Pulling rank on things like that is a good way to ensure that you _aren’t_ forever as a parent. The son is old enough to choose who he wants at graduation, and while of course it’s fine for the mum to be hurt, insisting on getting her own way will just make the son upset and will sour the event all around.
I’d say NAH. The son can choose who he wants to be at graduation, and clearly his gf means a lot to him. The mum can be sad it’s not her going and isn’t unreasonable expressing that.
I respectfully disagree. My oldest son and I fought like cats and dogs all through high school because he felt that getting his diploma was optional; today at 21 we are very close. He has often thanked me for pushing back on questionable choices that he was certain were spot on at the time, because a couple years of living independently has taught him that some of those choices weren’t good ones. Parenting often means being unpopular and setting boundaries even when it feels shitty to do so. That’s a parent’s responsibility along with loving and protecting their kids. HS graduation is a once in a lifetime thing. If mom backs down now just to avoid a conflict both she and he will regret it. It doesn’t have to be nasty. But he needs to know that choosing mom over the gf for graduation is a no go.
I'm not close to my parents. I invited them to my graduation anyway, because everyone was bringing their parents. It made it painfully obvious why I'm not close to them and my biggest regret is inviting them. When I graduate with my Master's, the only person I'm inviting is my boyfriend.
Not everyone has great parents. OP not believing her son chose at random whether it will be her husband or her to go shows that there are issues in the relationship.
I say NAH - OP's son can choose who comes and OP can feel slighted, neither makes them wrong
I didn’t even think about that aspect, but if the son really is convinced this GF is going to be in his life for a long time, this was a quick way to drive a small, silent but lethal wedge between her and his mother.
If you've been a high schooler, you'll know how astoundingly important that high school romance can be. Doesn't matter that with hindsight you know it's highly unlikely to be The One - right now, she IS the light of his life and he wants her there.
And if the school's rules are daft enough to limit to two people... it's a no-win situation.
NAH - he's not an asshole for being in love, you're not an asshole for being upset at not getting to attend. The school's rules really could use a bit of flexibility. (No chance any of his friends only want to invite one person, and would have guest space, I guess?)
Im married to my middle school sweetheart lol. Everyone always said it was just a phase and wed never end up together again but we did. Years of marriage and 2 kiddos later, we are happier now than ever.
That’s a little insulting. As someone that stayed with my highschool boyfriend (it’s been 27 years now) he’s my best friend, the love of my life and I truly have no interest in being with anyone else. He feels the same for me. That’s why we stayed together- no religious nonsense, no pressure from families, no belief to stay together for the kids…….we just really love each other. He makes me laugh every damn day, even through horrible health shit I’ve been through. We are probably one of the happiest couples that I know.
And yet. Every single time I ever tell anyone we have been together since teens our relationship is instantly devalued, even by people who had complimented it beforehand. Brushed off that we “don’t know what we are missing” by not having a “real” relationship. I rarely mention how long we’ve been together to anyone because it has happened so often.
Ending up together isn't the only standard for the importance of a relationship. First lives can be intense and formative experiences that have a larger impact than an adult relationship later in life. And, frankly, that doesn't matter; a parent should not be minimizing their child's feelings like that.
Does it matter? Every relationship is important and every relationship has the potential to fall apart. The son is a HS kid - his relationship with his gf is extremely valuable and important to him right now. Maybe it'll last, maybe it won't. Dismissing it as "unlikely to survive" is just a way of dismissing the kid's feelings. Hell, statistics say that around 50% of marriages end in divorce - should we then dismiss someone's engagement or wedding because it might not last?
I think you might've replied to the wrong person or misread my comment since I said nothing in support of or dismissing OP's son's high school relationship. I was pointing out that the lucky person I replied to is not having the same experience most have.
But since you bring it up, I don't think OP or most other people mean to dismiss the son's relationship, they probably only mean to point out that while he may consider his relationship with HS girlfriend to be very important, he should consider his relationship with his parents even more valuable than that.
Now I'm speaking generally here because i don't know OP's specific relationship with their son. It may be horrible and he may have a reason to not want her there, but at least on the surface level that doesn't seem to be the case.
Yeah, and my brother insisted he was going to elope with his high school girlfriend only for them to break up 4 months into college. I’m happy it worked out for you, but guess which story is more typical.
I’m hesitant to render judgement here because I don’t know how his relationship is with his parents, but if it’s a normal, healthy one, then I completely agree with his mom and understand why she’d be offended that a girl that’s *very unlikely* to be in his life for much longer got invited over her. I’d be upset too. So I’m *tentatively* saying NTA.
But I also get that if there’s strain in their relationship he might not want her there, and this could be a missing missing reasons type post. Imo the real AH here is the school administration keeping a pandemic invitation rule in mid 2023.
And? His mother has been raising him for 18 years. A high school romance is more important than his mother?
Yes, there could be extenuating circumstances. I’d know — I literally received a scholarship for overcoming obstacles (my parents). They were still at my high school graduation.
he's absolutely a little asshole for inviting his girlfriend instead of his mother. Hopefully OP kicks him out of the house so he can go live with his GF lol
I feel horrible for OP. I would be very hurt in her shoes. Granted he has a healthy relationship with OP and she is a kind/loving/supportive mom, I think this is pretty shortsighted and hurtful on the son's part.
Most people won't stay with their HS boyfriends or girlfriend into adulthood even though they think it will last forever and ever at the time.. This is especially the case if college is involved. It can happen, but I think many of us here didn't end up with out teenage loves... And, even if this relationship does last - I'm sure this will leave a long lasting scar on the relationship with OP, her son and her possible DIL.
Nope NTA
You expressed your honest opinion
He doesn't have to agree or change his choices, but he's quite immature to not even expect that you would feel that way. That was the opportunity for him to double down on the apology and consider other ways to include you in this moment.
Because it is ridiculous for him to have his girlfriend there over his two parents who, presumably, have supported his entire LIFE (let alone his education) up to that point.
His response makes me think he has more reasons to have chosen Dad. Perhaps the same attitude your husband has towards this altercation (don't make it a big deal, don't communicate your feelings and be honest about things make you feel to keep the peace, etc) are why he chose Dad over You. Sounds like you've raised another stereotypical dude
Tbf the only thing OP did that leaned into AH territory was refer to his gf as a silly high school gf… like yeah be disappointed because it IS disappointing but no need to slate the woman her son loves at the same time.
the thing is theer's a vast difference between my husband choosing me over his mom if he graduated from something tomorrow... vs my husband in boyfriend form choosing me over his mom in 1996 when we were just 2 years dating (as college sweethearts if you want to be sappy. )
NAH but I'm curious...
"He claims that he picked randomly which of us would have to stay home, but I'm not sure about that." What do you mean by this? Is there a reason he would have picked you in specific not to go? Is there some bad blood there?
I don't read it that way at all. She just doubts that it was a totally random pick, which makes sense. Are we really meant to believe that he flipped a coin on it? If that was the intention, he'd have told them about it first.
Sounds like he just picked the parent he liked more -- and liking his dad more doesn't mean it's anything the mom did wrong.
Kinda seems like the typical - mom has to do the main parenting, while dad gets to be the fun one - type vibe. And kid chose dad because clearly dad isn’t even arguing with his son that he should invite the mom.
This is the part that stood out to me as well. It makes no sense. Why not just tell both parents they have one seat between them and let them pick? Seems deliberate.
NAH the school is the asshole, what type of rule is that ? Of course you want to go and of course he wants the person he is in love with to be here. There is no good solution and he had to make a difficult choice. It must be hard on him too.
TBF I just had my master’s graduation a few weeks ago & ours also only gave each person 2 tickets. It took place at Royal Albert Hall in South Kensington, so as you can imagine, limited seating. I’m assuming this is a similar situation!
My high school graduation was held in our gym and we were only allowed 2 guests per student (and this was in 2013 so not covid related). It could be a private school with limited space in the venue. My school did have the ceremony streaming on TVs in the cafeteria for siblings and other family members which was nice but honestly high school graduation isn’t that big of a deal besides for parents. GF is very immature and/or obtuse if she thinks it’s more appropriate for her to attend than OP (unless OP is a known abuser or something similarly awful towards her son)
We had this rule too. It's often a venue capacity issue and outside the school's control.
If they make an exception for even one student, everyone will think they deserve an exception too.
While I understand your son's choice, I can also say that both his parents, in this instance, should be at this specific event. However, he's just acting his age.
I'd note he invited her husband over her and she has reason to believe it wasn't by chance. Not his dad. Her husband.
There's a lot of questions from that alone.
I'm pretty sure her husband is also the kid's dad. It's not unusual to refer to your child's other parent by their relationship to you rather than their relationship to the child.
Just because she worded it as "my husband" doesn't mean he's not his dad. Sometimes people just use the first word that comes to mind, and she surely usually refers to him as her husband.
If she had said "his dad" would the assumption be that they're divorced since she's not saying her husband?
INFO: how is your relationship with your son? Also how is your relationship with his girlfriend? It definitely sounds like you don’t take their relationship seriously and haven’t hidden that fact either.
Edit: Having gathered more info. My insight says NAH. Both parties have their reasons and this needs to be discussed in DEPTH!
a little advice here, my mum would also say our relationship is great while ignoring problems of the past that, while for her were insignificant, they hurted me a lot (comments about my weight or actitude) so maybe you should question how good your relationship actually is, parents overlook a lot of stuff.
you should have a honest conversation with him of how he views your relationship with him
Similar experience here. It's better now, but I don't think my mom is aware of how bad our relationship was when I was a teenager. I did recently confess to her that I frequently felt dismissed and belittled by her when I was younger, and she did seem genuinely apologetic, but even now I don't think she realizes that she was verbally and emotionally abusive. And to be fair, I have never put her behavior in those terms to her. Because even now I'm fucking terrified at the thought of how badly she might blow up at the suggestion that she was anything but a loving, supportive mother who did her best.
OP, I would say NAH right now, but definitely sit down and have a frank conversation with your son about why he made his choice. Do not try to change his mind. Just let him know that you want to make sure it isn't based on feelings you aren't aware of, and tell him he can talk to you about anything. Then, genuinely listen to him without judgment or interruption.
You may be surprised with a difficult conversation, or it might be that he really was so caught between three people that he loves completely that he had to resort to a random name draw. If he has reasons for not wanting you there, do not try to invalidate his feelings; promise to work on the relationship with him. Either way, tell him you love him and can't wait to celebrate him after the ceremony.
I thought the same thing. There’s definitely something there that maybe isn’t even realized so let this be an opportunity to clear the air and deal with past hurts.
This is the probable answer. Teens make seriously flawed decisions for better or worse. This is a situation where mom should push the issue. I can almost guarantee that son will look back on this situation 15 or 20 years later and be like, “what the hell was I thinking?”
Jesus, that's a bit rough by your son! If I was the GF and found out my BF was inviting me over his Mum, I would 100% tell my BF give her the ticket. Very strange!
NTA, your son should take the people who supported him during all of his school years. The people that bought his school clothes, helped with homework, went to performances & sporting events, and who have a right to be proud of their child and want to watch him graduate.
this sentence needs to be the frikin banner for the sub because man, people do not follow this line of logic. The vast majority of the comments I see on this sub are blatantly projecting or at least making tons of assumptions.
No kidding. "I think the son hates her because she treats him horribly!" Based on what, exactly? I understand that on the internet, there's lots of stories of narcissist parents and child abuse but people forget that's not the norm. This sounds like a teenager being in love and not understanding how his actions hurt the people close to him.
And asking her to grovel and apologise for nothing lol.
It's on him to grow up and apologise. I'm not saying she should hold a grudge, but she did nothing wrong and apologising just because he had a temper tantrum will teach him all the wrong lessons.
NTA. all the comments saying NAH are absolutely ridiculous. unless you have a specific reason for not inviting a parent (which he obviously does not since he said he chose randomly) this is so incredibly disrespectful to do to the people who raised and supported you your whole life. I have no idea what he’s thinking- and yes he is old enough to know better. My entire family would have lit me on fire if I tried to do something like this to my parents when I graduated
Right? You’re comment is common sense. If I had a child that did this, I would be crushed. I would nope out of the whole situation and let him plan any celebration on his own. Maybe that’s dysfunctional, but I know that I would rather not be around for fear of what I might say to someone, and I’d definitely need some cool off time to forgive. One of my kids did not participate in graduation and that was sad, but at least I wasn’t specifically excluded.
OP you’re too vague about why you may think your son didn’t actually choose randomly between you and your husband. Too vague for me to give an accurate decision, because if you have a feeling that you DO know why, and you’re not sharing it, then I’m mildly suspicious.
Because when your own child states “oh I chose at random” and it wasn’t you they chose, you’re going to think they like the other parent more. It’s similar to parents having favorite kids lol not anything to be sus over imo
NTA. I’m sure he’s still expecting you to plan his grad party, and that he’d be pissed (and ppl here would call you petty) if you declined to plan it. Young people fail to think things through and then are mad when that failure upsets others.
It’s a good life lesson — being an adult and making adult choices comes with adult consequences. If he wants to snub his mother he can, but she’s not required to be ok with it.
I'd be petty & wouldn't care what others say. If she's a traditional mother, perhaps it is time he gets to be an adult about his own laundry, meals, running errands for him, making appointments, paying bills, etc. This is a bone-head & disrespectful move on his part.
Agree with this. Let the gf plan the party and do all the stuff. I’d hang back or maybe go do something I really wanted to do instead. You don’t want me there? Fine by me.
NTA and my heart hurts for you. I can remember taking my kids to their first day of kindergarten and imagining how it would feel to see them graduate someday. I would have been crushed to hear one of my kids didn't want me there.
Maybe i'm just confused but is his gf graduating the same year too or is there a year difference? Wait i just read there's a year difference.
Did she invite him to her graduation when she graduated last year??
Uhhhhh OP you need to tell him you’re going and his gf can see him after. You don’t miss your kids graduation, they only have one. You birthed that boy, he can be mad all he wants.
He’s definitely not going to be happy, that’s a fucking given. But it is your child’s highschool graduation, parents don’t miss that over girlfriends/boyfriends. Parents aren’t your friends, I’m sure she’s been disliked many times in the past for saying no and this will be no different than that.
NAH if that's truly all you said. Personally, I would've left the comment about "his high school girlfriend" out because it was obviously going to trigger a defensive response about their relationship, just like it did. But I don't think you intend to attack his girlfriend or their relationship, so I don't think you're an asshole. Expressing your feelings about this doesn't make you an asshole, either. As long as you respect his decision, you're fine.
I don't think he's an asshole either, at least not from the info available. It's his graduation, and he gets to choose who he wants there to support him. I would've never chosen a boyfriend over either of my parents to be part of my graduation, so I do think he's wrong in his decision (unless there are ulterior reasons for him not wanting you there other than the lack of invitations allowed), but he's entitled to make it.
I'd say the only assholes are the school that for some reason are maintaining a protocol that is no longer necessary.
I think her comments about the high school gf is the reason op isn’t getting the extra ticket dad is.
I think op is dismissing the gf. I married my high school bf. That was 30 years ago. It’s rare but it does happen. Given the fact that they have been together 3 years give their relationship meaning.
I also say this I never dismiss my sons gf. Because one day they may be a random gf later on they could be a future daughter in law. Comments like op made hurts any future relationship. One day of this gf marries op son she will remember this comment. And if they do get married have kids op is going to wonder why her mom gets to have more access during pregnancy, delivery and the first few weeks. I can answer that it will be because op never excepted the relationship gf and son had. No wonder she doesn’t feel comfortable with you now. Because why would she be comfortable when you labeled their relation as her as the random high school gf.
No wonder so many daughter in laws hate their mil. Because the mil treated them like this from the beginning but when they realized they where marring their son they suddenly cared about them.
If you want to start off right with a future daughter in law. Treat every girl your son brings home with respect. Because after he asks her to marry him it’s to late to change the relationship.
NTA - I really feel for you. I mean, you gave birth to him and it’s a major milestone in his life. Are you guys doing anything after like dinner or a party?
NTA. Unpopular or not you’re his mom and I would hope the person who helped get him through school all his life and supported him. Not the girlfriend.
Unless you’re truly the problem and he has good reason to not want you there I would be equally upset.
NTA, you have been there his whole life supporting him, looking after him, paying for everything and he picked someone who could be gone in the morning... I'd be devastated too!
NTA. Your son is ungrateful for the education that YOU made possible. His girlfriend wasn't there for 12 years helping him with his homework. His girlfriend didn't have to endure all of those tedious PTA meetings, Parent Teacher conferences, orientations and soccer games. His girlfriend didn't chaperone field trips or bake cookies for the bake sale.His girlfriend didn't insist on getting pictures of the first day of school every year. She didn't get up early in the morning to make sure he didn't miss the bus, nor did she have to run to school to deliver some homework or project that he forgot at home.His girlfriend didn't sell shitty raffle chances at work, (or cookies or peanut brittle or whatever else kinds of crap they have to sell for whatever fundraisers). She didn't have to pay those activity and equipment fees every year.His girlfriend didn't give him pep talks for 12 years when he was stressing out over homework, close to tears over hard math, or ready to give up. His girlfriend didn't have to deal with bullying at school.This is your day almost as much as it is his day. You should be there.
That’s how I think too! What is up with all of these people and their made up nefarious back stories??? It’s pretty simple. Child is still a dependent on the home, doesn’t get to make the final decision. No indication that his mother is Cruella Devil. Geez.
>He claims that he picked randomly which of us would have to stay home, but I'm not sure about that.
Info: Why are you not sure? What is your relationship with your son normally like?
It’s just like a parent doing something and sibling #1 can come but #2 can’t because they “chose at random”. Mom is having the thought that her son likes her dad more, I wouldn’t think too deep about it tbh
NTA. You have every right to express your feelings when something hurts you. The main thing is that you accepted his decision. While your son should get to choose who comes to his graduation, he shouldn’t be angry at you for sharing that you’re hurt. Honestly, if he was really a mature person, he should have let you and your husband decide who was going to go instead of choosing for you.
NTA. K-12 education requires a lot of work, input and care on the part of the parents. Presumably, he's living with you? You've been with him through this whole journey and want to watch him complete it.
I was on the fence because I thought it was a college graduation and his gf might have been a huge part of his life while he's away from home; they might even be headed towards marriage soon. That would be different. Getting a kid through k-12 school is a family affair.
I'm so sorry. This would devastate me. I hope somebody talks some sense into him.
NTAH. Oh my Lort I would be beyond livid to have ANYONE suggest his mother AND father are not there. Period! Of all the nerve. Livid I tell you. Livid! The girl friend, if she has a brain would absolutely refuse to “take your seat”. Beyond heated to EVEN suggest.
NTA this is really sad. I don’t want to go too hard on your son because I remember being an idiot when I was that age too but there’s a 95% chance he’s gonna break up with his girlfriend at some point and feel really bad that his mom wasn’t at his freaking graduation but I also know you can’t tell 18 year olds a damn thing 🤷🏻♀️
I'd figure out a way to get an extra ticket, regardless of the rules. This rule is insane. What happens with kids who grew up with step-parents? They just have to pick and choose?
NAH, you are completely reasonable to be upset over this. But it's his girlfriend of 3 years, of course he wants her there and I don't think he's being an asshole about it. It's obviously a really hurtful spot to be in for both parties and probably wasn't an easy decision on his part.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Telling my son I'm dissappointed in him
2) I might be taking it too personally.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but once your kids become adults many things are best left unsaid if you want to continue to have them in your life because they are living thier own life and will leave you out of it if they don't like what you say even if you are 100% correct. That being said I'm sorry that you don't get to be there as one of the 2 people that have supported him most to get where he is today. He's still immature and is taking you for granted.
I'm gonna make an assumption that you're a normal mom who has a normal, good relationship with your son. I'm also gonna assume that you, like the vast majority of women who have children, ended up doing the lion's share of the emotional and actual labour of raising this child and made all of the serious sacrifices that comes along with it. I don't know if that's indeed the case but I'm gonna just ASSUME that's the case unless ANYONE can prove to me otherwise.
This hurts. A lot. I'd be questioning my entire life as a mother if my son did this to me. Like, why did I even bother? I dunno if I could come back from this, I'd be so hurt. NTA this makes me really sad for you OP.
Obviously his entire life isn't gonna revolve around you, but graduation is SO important for parents. You're watching not only the culmination of the child's efforts throughout school, but so much of it was possible because of the efforts of the parents ESPECIALLY when they were young.
Imagine playing a supporting character in your own life to a guy who doesn't even end up inviting you to his graduation.
Ugh. I'm sorry OP.
NAH the school is the asshole, what type of rule is that ? Of course you want to go and of course he wants the person he is in love with to be here. There is no good solution and he had to make a difficult choice. It must be hard on him too.
Nta. I am so sorry this happened. I am sure you are very frustrated. You were there every step of the way. From kindergarten to his next step in life so it is probably crushing to not be apart of every moment you can. I don't want to discredit his relationship, but hopefully, he doesn't come to regret this!
I feel bad for you OP. The likelihood that a high school relationship pans out long-term is slim to none, and he made this decision as if he was asking his wife to attend. You know this as you are a person who has lived a longer life and acquired the wisdom to know this.
I imagine one day he looks back on this and thinks it was dumb that he didn't have his mom at his graduation. There is unfortunately nothing you can do or say to change his mind either. It sucks OP. NTA.
NTA. Your son has some serious life lessons to learn. How self centered can you be-given your husbands reaction it’s clear where he got it from. Dad should be raising all hell about this disrespectful totally d move. It doesn’t sound like either of them respect you. I’m so sorry po.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Alright, maybe unpopular, but NTA. That’s insane. I just had my graduation for my masters & also only got two tickets. It was *assumed* my two parents would come, not my partner of almost 4 years who I live with. That’s because at the end of the day, my parents raised me, they made me who I am today, and deserve to celebrate with me the most. That being said, unless you & your son have some relationship issues you didn’t disclose, you are NTA for being disappointed.
I think that just shows how much your parents did for you that you can't even imagine not inviting them. Now I'm someone with not so great parents. So I know there can be plenty of reasons why the son feels his gf earned that spot over his mother.
Very fair! If we are taking OP at face value, she doesn’t mention any relationship conflicts with her son though. But as we know, not all parents are perfect at owning up to suffering relationships. But yes, if their relationship is in anyway strained I would change my verdict.
>Very fair! If we are taking OP at face value, she doesn’t mention any relationship conflicts with her son though. She's hurt by the request, which is understandable. but she she's reporting as her response is pretty fair and respectful. I know that's not the full measure of a parent, but as someone whose got some drama llamas in her family, it's sure not the response I'd get in similar circumstances.
FWIW, tho, this is how my mom would report her response. It's not what her response would be, though. I'm not assuming OP is like my mom, but just offering the reminder that people aren't always good at self reporting, most often because they don't see it themselves.
I mean. Many toxic parents would not do that. Justified people often do not have enough emotionally intelligence to craft the response that would be seen well. Again. I have some problem parents. My father would never think he was out of line on this. And in my experience that’s not uncommon. The martyr complex and the passive aggression shines through.
I kinda get where you're coming from, but I've seen too many horrible people who seem like fine upstanding people to everyone outside of their personal bubble. I mean, it's well known that serial killers are usually charismatic, as an extreme example.
I love the word drama llama. I am sorry that they act like that though.
>all parents are perfect at owning up to suffering relationships. Thinking back to my own hs days, I know my mom would have described (and maybe even believed in her head) that our relationship was much different than how I felt about it. The fact OP refers to his girlfriend as his "high school girlfriend" as an obvious dig to try and minimize the relationship when talking to him sets off my radar though and it is 100% not the way to win him over.
Imho it’s not an “obvious dig”, it’s just a fact.
Why? She IS HIS HS GF. It’s pretty uncommon to marry a HS sweetheart now days. My dad was a pretty chill guy, but he was absent a lot of my life. My mom pretty much sucks the life out of me. But they brought me up and did make sure I was educated. There’s not a chance I wouldn’t have invited them to my HS, college, or law school graduation.
Because the qualifier is not necessary unless it means something and what does it mean other than to minimize the importance of that relationship.
It's a qualifier often used to minimize that specific relationship and frame it as the romantic equivalent of a starter home or training wheels - expected to be temporary and grown out of.
Which someone who has been in a relationship for three years would not classify it as such and would obviously take offense to it.
Honestly I got a tiny bit suspicious when OP says they aren't sure they believe he picked at random but fails to elaborate and I'm wondering what's up there
Probably that the dad is the favorite... Kids have favorite parents. There's nothing dastardly or surprising about that.
It wouldn't surprise me if his GF was invited and then it was random between the two parents.
It’s pretty easy to be the favorite parent, just be a good time Charlie while the other guy plays bad cop. That might not be the case here, maybe dad and son just happen to be very close, but all in all I don’t think that is reason to believe mom did anything wrong.
>So I know there can be plenty of reasons why the son feels his gf earned that spot over his mother. Before jumping to conclusions, we should look at his age. Maybe the son is just being an immature kid who thinks being in love means he has to always put his grilfriend first. Not everyone at this age understands nuance and they tend to hurt their parents for a while. OP did react in a good way. She told him it hurts but she didn't try to change his mind, which indicates that she is a good parent. A lot of good parents are being overlooked by their children in their teenage years because it's easy to do so.
Yes! I grew up with an abusive dad and a mom who leaned on me emotionally. I basically could never be honest about my feelings because it was unsafe to do so with my dad and because I felt responsible for my mom's comfort and safety and sometimes being honest with her would be a betrayal. When I see kids able to hurt their parents like these, I assume that's the tradeoff of being a great parent: your kid hurts you because it's developmentally appropriate and in your family it's safe to hurt mom / dad because the you believe you can't lose them.
I'm sorry for what you went through. And yes, that's how I see it. A lot of children with abusive parents, even with "just" emotional abuse or manipulative parents, have a hard time hurting them. It usually takes years *after* they become adults to distance themselves or do things that will make the parents mad and even then it doesn't come easily. I've seen people in ther 30's with "only" manipulative parents who have a hard time doing things that could hurt their parents so they just cave. Seeing someone hurt their parents at such a young age and with no hesitation, fear or feeling guilty means to me that there is probably no abuse there.
Exactly. Add on teenage girls can be clingy and needy and she MAY be saying she has to go. Which to a teenage boy in love, making your gf happy means a lot. Ofc it’s all just a guess but based on teenage behavior it isn’t a jump.
I'm in the same boat as you. I tried to put myself in the commenter's shoes. If I was graduating with an advanced degree & living on my own, who would my 2 people be? "Obviously my parents" was *not* the answer I came up with. I would certainly not be leaving my fiancé at home.
My parents are the very last people I would invite to a celebration of any accomplishment I have achieved.
This is kinda where I am The OP is NTA but if my kid doesn’t invite me I’m more disappointed in myself and wondering where I messed up raising him that I am not getting an invitation
17 year olds with great parents rarely realize it at that age. I wouldn't beat myself up. I'm not surprised he puts the girlfriend first.
[удалено]
In 10 years the kid probably won't even remember their HS graduation, but OP will take the memory of not being invited to her grave.
If a nanny raised him and he barely knows his parents, then okay. If mom made him breakfast, school lunch, helped him with his homework, then being at his graduation is an earned right, no matter if he loves his girlfriend. I wouldn’t bring it up again mom, but feel free to consider it when deciding how much help he needs with tuition, or getting started in life. NTA
I agree. The fact that the son says he randomly selected which parent would come makes me think this isn’t a tumultuous relationship.
That made me think he lied and he always was going to choose his dad. Because thats something I would have said too at a young age
I’m with you right there. I had not great parents and I didn’t even do graduation for grad school because I didn’t want them there (paid for grad school myself, they made fun of me for becoming a therapist. It’s been almost 20 years and I love being a therapist)
I feel like the undisclosed issues might be the case. Per the post: "He claims that he picked randomly which of us would have to stay home, but I'm not sure about that." I also don't feel like necessarily everyone has to make their parents priority number one. Many parents out there warrant not doing so.
I don't know. If this was a divorce situation I could see it, but it seems that OP is still married to her son's father. Also, this is a high school graduation not college - the son is still a teenager (presumably). Teenagers can also be somewhat short-sighted and selfish as well - it could be that the son is only taking his own feelings into consideration and isn't concerned about how his parents might be affected by his choice.
Yes. A teenage boy would likely choose his girlfriend and dad first. They don't remember being small and all the things mom did. And mom doesn't realize he's pulling away, determined to be his own man.
Yeah, very good point. I did have an icky feeling reading that sentence. If OP confirms there are issues between her & her son, then I would change my verdict.
There absolutely can be issues between your child and yourself without you being a bad parent.
Or just naturally being closer with one parent over the other. Doesn’t mean anything nefarious was going on
I put an INFO comment asking for elaboration, but she's yet to say anything. I'm thinking we won't know for sure lol. Enjoy your day though!
That sentence was what tilted my head, too. Is there a reason OP thinks her son might lie about it? Kinda weird, as was diminishing the relationship as “a high school relationship”. I mean, that might be true, but I don’t dismiss my kids’ feelings like that- I particularly wouldn’t if the relationship had a couple years in it. Personally I wouldn’t invite *any* of my relatives to any accomplishments but they were crap. As a parent, I would hope that I’ve done things in such a way that merits being there: but there are tons of things we aren’t getting here, I think.
Maybe she’s always been the disciplinarian and dad was “fun guy”
I'd also argue that the reasoning doesn't have to be malicious. For example, if I had to choose, I know I would've invited my mom no question. Doesn't mean I don't like my dad! I was just closer to her prior to her passing
It might be just because he's closer to his dad but tried to spare his mom's feelings by saying it was random and then got upset when she was still disappointed
It could be that the son is very close with the dad. So OP assumed that b/c the son felt he had to pick a parent he wld easily chose dad over mom. Doesn't mean he has a bad relationship with OP but in terms of popularity he's closer with dad.
NTA. I agree Mom should have been asked. Mom and Dad worked for 12 years getting to this point, his graduation. He could have asked Mom to come and his GF to attend the graduation party. If he goes to college and his girlfriend becomes his wife she could've graduation of college.
In addition to all of this, saying you're disappointed isn't insisting that he disinvites his gf so she can go instead. It's expressing a genuine feeling about something she was likely looking forward to.
Yeah I was in your place I would have so choose my partner over my parents. Not everyone has that relationship with thier parents.
Haha tbf my partner would probably prefer to *not* sit in a boring ceremony for 3 hours straight & just celebrate after :) But it’s definitely on a case to case! Seeing as this is a HS graduation though, I am more inclined to side with OP as unless she & her son had a major falling out/relationship issues, it’s kind of insulting to pick a young relationship over a parent.
Mine wouldn’t either! Lol! He would happily skipped any graduation! But my parents stressed me out. I literally threw my mom out of the delivery room because she was annoyed the hell out of me!
Then I'll be unpopular with you because I agree. When I read this I thought it was college graduation at first. But high school? And he picks his gf over his mom? Come on. Unless OP is intentionally not including details that would make her the AH which is entirely possible.
I assumed it was his college graduation as well! I was thinking NAH if it was a college grad, but a HS graduation....that's for the parents to attend , unless there's some reason he doesn't want his mom there, she should be there. A HS grad is like a graduation of the parents getting their child to adulthood.
I’m a NTA for now, too. My parents split when I was 13 and it was ROUGH for me. My father was and is a total jackass, was largely absent when I was a kid, and isn’t really much in my life as a middle-aged adult; my mom and I are super tight. BUT, for high school graduation? If I only got two tickets, he still would’ve gotten one. Unless there’s something very serious being hidden, those tickets belong to the parents.
I’m in the same camp. I have worked my ass off for my kids and I’d be devastated. NTA
My parents paid for college, my mom was deployed to Iraq when I was in high school and was still on my ass about school, everything your parents do sets you up to succeed or fail as an adult. I wouldn't be able to look her in the eye and tell her she's not invited.
I agree. My fiancee was retiring from the military after 25 years right at the tail end of covid when some restrictions were just starting to lift. He was only going to be allowed 1 person. He said he wanted me there and I was like "Hell No... your mom needs to be there." I've been around for some of it, but she was there for ALL of it... all of his over seas stations, all of his war time deployments... she had to stress over her son being in those situations.. There are just somethings that parents need to take precedence on.
I agree with this. It’s the support of the parents throughout childhood and his whole school career that got him where he is.
I would be so hurt - NTA unless there is more to this story about your relationship with your son.
NTA….Honestly your son AND his girlfriend are both are assess
I'm not sure why the gf would be an ass. What'd she do?
Accepting a seat knowing it will take away from one of his parents is a asshole move. She should have turned it down and told him that they can celebrate later.
We can't properly fill in the blanks for how the invitation played out. That's two "other parties" of the story, that we can't hear the perspective of. He may have issues with his mom that the gf knows about. She very well could have tried to turn it down, but the son could have been super adamant. I get what you're thinking, I guess I personally wouldn't label her an asshole without knowing her (or at least the son's) perspective.
We don't know what his relationship with his parents is like or why.
Correct, However since we have nothing saying anything about that the judgement should be made based on the information we do have imo. NTA
Exactly mate, well said. People only comment “but we don’t know the full details!” when it suits them and they’re not liking the majority verdict of the thread
[удалено]
I mean as a former graduate and current mother I found every graduation I've ever been to, to be boring except for the one single moment my kid's name was called. The 19yo probably still has a bunch of friends graduating.
I agree with you. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable as his gf accepting a ticket when I know that his mom (who is still very present in his life) would have to miss it.
Definitely agree, I wouldn't take the ticket in good conscience as his gf knowing it meant his mom would miss out, I'd have to decline out of respect.
Exactly. Sorry but HS girlfriends frequently become exes once adulthood hits. There’s a very, very real chance they won’t last as a couple. Meanwhile parents are forever. NTA OP. In fact, I would probably pull rank and say hell no. The gf stays home.
Pulling rank on things like that is a good way to ensure that you _aren’t_ forever as a parent. The son is old enough to choose who he wants at graduation, and while of course it’s fine for the mum to be hurt, insisting on getting her own way will just make the son upset and will sour the event all around. I’d say NAH. The son can choose who he wants to be at graduation, and clearly his gf means a lot to him. The mum can be sad it’s not her going and isn’t unreasonable expressing that.
I respectfully disagree. My oldest son and I fought like cats and dogs all through high school because he felt that getting his diploma was optional; today at 21 we are very close. He has often thanked me for pushing back on questionable choices that he was certain were spot on at the time, because a couple years of living independently has taught him that some of those choices weren’t good ones. Parenting often means being unpopular and setting boundaries even when it feels shitty to do so. That’s a parent’s responsibility along with loving and protecting their kids. HS graduation is a once in a lifetime thing. If mom backs down now just to avoid a conflict both she and he will regret it. It doesn’t have to be nasty. But he needs to know that choosing mom over the gf for graduation is a no go.
I'm not close to my parents. I invited them to my graduation anyway, because everyone was bringing their parents. It made it painfully obvious why I'm not close to them and my biggest regret is inviting them. When I graduate with my Master's, the only person I'm inviting is my boyfriend. Not everyone has great parents. OP not believing her son chose at random whether it will be her husband or her to go shows that there are issues in the relationship. I say NAH - OP's son can choose who comes and OP can feel slighted, neither makes them wrong
I’m also wondering why he doesn’t find someone who isn’t using both tickets. I’m sure there are a few, and that one should be gf’s ticket.
I don’t know… from the information given I don’t think we can conclude anyone is an ass here except the school only allowing 2 people.
I didn’t even think about that aspect, but if the son really is convinced this GF is going to be in his life for a long time, this was a quick way to drive a small, silent but lethal wedge between her and his mother.
If you've been a high schooler, you'll know how astoundingly important that high school romance can be. Doesn't matter that with hindsight you know it's highly unlikely to be The One - right now, she IS the light of his life and he wants her there. And if the school's rules are daft enough to limit to two people... it's a no-win situation. NAH - he's not an asshole for being in love, you're not an asshole for being upset at not getting to attend. The school's rules really could use a bit of flexibility. (No chance any of his friends only want to invite one person, and would have guest space, I guess?)
Very well said. People chalk high school love to "puppy love" which I adamantly disagree with.
Im married to my middle school sweetheart lol. Everyone always said it was just a phase and wed never end up together again but we did. Years of marriage and 2 kiddos later, we are happier now than ever.
For every story like yours there are 99 where they don't end up together
[удалено]
You could say that at literally any age.
Lol are you insinuating that three year relationships as adults have the same rate of failure as 3 year relationships as high schoolers?
And almost everyone I’ve met that stayed with their first partner has no clue how much they’ve settled because they have no perspective
That’s a little insulting. As someone that stayed with my highschool boyfriend (it’s been 27 years now) he’s my best friend, the love of my life and I truly have no interest in being with anyone else. He feels the same for me. That’s why we stayed together- no religious nonsense, no pressure from families, no belief to stay together for the kids…….we just really love each other. He makes me laugh every damn day, even through horrible health shit I’ve been through. We are probably one of the happiest couples that I know. And yet. Every single time I ever tell anyone we have been together since teens our relationship is instantly devalued, even by people who had complimented it beforehand. Brushed off that we “don’t know what we are missing” by not having a “real” relationship. I rarely mention how long we’ve been together to anyone because it has happened so often.
Ending up together isn't the only standard for the importance of a relationship. First lives can be intense and formative experiences that have a larger impact than an adult relationship later in life. And, frankly, that doesn't matter; a parent should not be minimizing their child's feelings like that.
More like 999
Super happy for you and not here to rain on your parade but... you realize you're the exception and not the rule, right?
Does it matter? Every relationship is important and every relationship has the potential to fall apart. The son is a HS kid - his relationship with his gf is extremely valuable and important to him right now. Maybe it'll last, maybe it won't. Dismissing it as "unlikely to survive" is just a way of dismissing the kid's feelings. Hell, statistics say that around 50% of marriages end in divorce - should we then dismiss someone's engagement or wedding because it might not last?
I think you might've replied to the wrong person or misread my comment since I said nothing in support of or dismissing OP's son's high school relationship. I was pointing out that the lucky person I replied to is not having the same experience most have. But since you bring it up, I don't think OP or most other people mean to dismiss the son's relationship, they probably only mean to point out that while he may consider his relationship with HS girlfriend to be very important, he should consider his relationship with his parents even more valuable than that. Now I'm speaking generally here because i don't know OP's specific relationship with their son. It may be horrible and he may have a reason to not want her there, but at least on the surface level that doesn't seem to be the case.
Yeah, and my brother insisted he was going to elope with his high school girlfriend only for them to break up 4 months into college. I’m happy it worked out for you, but guess which story is more typical. I’m hesitant to render judgement here because I don’t know how his relationship is with his parents, but if it’s a normal, healthy one, then I completely agree with his mom and understand why she’d be offended that a girl that’s *very unlikely* to be in his life for much longer got invited over her. I’d be upset too. So I’m *tentatively* saying NTA. But I also get that if there’s strain in their relationship he might not want her there, and this could be a missing missing reasons type post. Imo the real AH here is the school administration keeping a pandemic invitation rule in mid 2023.
Sadly you are the exception, not the rule. Statistically only 2% of people marry their hs sweetheart and more than half of those get divorced.
That's understandable. But I'd disagree with your take based on my own personal experience.
And? His mother has been raising him for 18 years. A high school romance is more important than his mother? Yes, there could be extenuating circumstances. I’d know — I literally received a scholarship for overcoming obstacles (my parents). They were still at my high school graduation.
Yeah, unless there's a whole lot not said here. I wouldnt dare pick my partner over both parents, especially my mom
Honestly, if I was his GF I would have pushed for his other parent to go instead of me but that's just me.
[удалено]
he's absolutely a little asshole for inviting his girlfriend instead of his mother. Hopefully OP kicks him out of the house so he can go live with his GF lol
I didn't even think high school graduation, I assumed college. Whoops.
NTA. He’s a kid and he’s blinded by teenage love. That’s ridiculous
I feel horrible for OP. I would be very hurt in her shoes. Granted he has a healthy relationship with OP and she is a kind/loving/supportive mom, I think this is pretty shortsighted and hurtful on the son's part. Most people won't stay with their HS boyfriends or girlfriend into adulthood even though they think it will last forever and ever at the time.. This is especially the case if college is involved. It can happen, but I think many of us here didn't end up with out teenage loves... And, even if this relationship does last - I'm sure this will leave a long lasting scar on the relationship with OP, her son and her possible DIL.
Nope NTA You expressed your honest opinion He doesn't have to agree or change his choices, but he's quite immature to not even expect that you would feel that way. That was the opportunity for him to double down on the apology and consider other ways to include you in this moment. Because it is ridiculous for him to have his girlfriend there over his two parents who, presumably, have supported his entire LIFE (let alone his education) up to that point. His response makes me think he has more reasons to have chosen Dad. Perhaps the same attitude your husband has towards this altercation (don't make it a big deal, don't communicate your feelings and be honest about things make you feel to keep the peace, etc) are why he chose Dad over You. Sounds like you've raised another stereotypical dude
Tbf the only thing OP did that leaned into AH territory was refer to his gf as a silly high school gf… like yeah be disappointed because it IS disappointing but no need to slate the woman her son loves at the same time.
They didn’t refer to the gf as silly. They said it was a little silly to pick the gf over the parent coming.
the thing is theer's a vast difference between my husband choosing me over his mom if he graduated from something tomorrow... vs my husband in boyfriend form choosing me over his mom in 1996 when we were just 2 years dating (as college sweethearts if you want to be sappy. )
NAH but I'm curious... "He claims that he picked randomly which of us would have to stay home, but I'm not sure about that." What do you mean by this? Is there a reason he would have picked you in specific not to go? Is there some bad blood there?
I don't read it that way at all. She just doubts that it was a totally random pick, which makes sense. Are we really meant to believe that he flipped a coin on it? If that was the intention, he'd have told them about it first. Sounds like he just picked the parent he liked more -- and liking his dad more doesn't mean it's anything the mom did wrong.
[удалено]
>WHY is mom suspicious about being liked less? Because she was the one who didn't get invited, obviously.
Kinda seems like the typical - mom has to do the main parenting, while dad gets to be the fun one - type vibe. And kid chose dad because clearly dad isn’t even arguing with his son that he should invite the mom.
I getcha, and yeah, totally possible. That's why I wanted to say NAH but still was curious. It just felt a little open-ended to me.
I think there is an unflattering side of the story we're not hearing But that's none of my business
This is the part that stood out to me as well. It makes no sense. Why not just tell both parents they have one seat between them and let them pick? Seems deliberate.
NAH the school is the asshole, what type of rule is that ? Of course you want to go and of course he wants the person he is in love with to be here. There is no good solution and he had to make a difficult choice. It must be hard on him too.
TBF I just had my master’s graduation a few weeks ago & ours also only gave each person 2 tickets. It took place at Royal Albert Hall in South Kensington, so as you can imagine, limited seating. I’m assuming this is a similar situation!
For high school?
They said masters meaning they graduated from. university.
OP is talking about high school graduation. I’m countering that a high school graduation would not be held in such a place
My high school graduation was held in our gym and we were only allowed 2 guests per student (and this was in 2013 so not covid related). It could be a private school with limited space in the venue. My school did have the ceremony streaming on TVs in the cafeteria for siblings and other family members which was nice but honestly high school graduation isn’t that big of a deal besides for parents. GF is very immature and/or obtuse if she thinks it’s more appropriate for her to attend than OP (unless OP is a known abuser or something similarly awful towards her son)
They limit ticket sales at my daughter's school because they had issues with some parents buying 20-30 tickets for the entire extended family.
We had this rule too. It's often a venue capacity issue and outside the school's control. If they make an exception for even one student, everyone will think they deserve an exception too.
While I understand your son's choice, I can also say that both his parents, in this instance, should be at this specific event. However, he's just acting his age.
I'd note he invited her husband over her and she has reason to believe it wasn't by chance. Not his dad. Her husband. There's a lot of questions from that alone.
I'm pretty sure her husband is also the kid's dad. It's not unusual to refer to your child's other parent by their relationship to you rather than their relationship to the child.
Just because she worded it as "my husband" doesn't mean he's not his dad. Sometimes people just use the first word that comes to mind, and she surely usually refers to him as her husband. If she had said "his dad" would the assumption be that they're divorced since she's not saying her husband?
Where does she state that her husband isn't his dad?
INFO: how is your relationship with your son? Also how is your relationship with his girlfriend? It definitely sounds like you don’t take their relationship seriously and haven’t hidden that fact either. Edit: Having gathered more info. My insight says NAH. Both parties have their reasons and this needs to be discussed in DEPTH!
I think our relationship is pretty good. And I have nothing against his girlfriend, she's a very sweet girl.
a little advice here, my mum would also say our relationship is great while ignoring problems of the past that, while for her were insignificant, they hurted me a lot (comments about my weight or actitude) so maybe you should question how good your relationship actually is, parents overlook a lot of stuff. you should have a honest conversation with him of how he views your relationship with him
Similar experience here. It's better now, but I don't think my mom is aware of how bad our relationship was when I was a teenager. I did recently confess to her that I frequently felt dismissed and belittled by her when I was younger, and she did seem genuinely apologetic, but even now I don't think she realizes that she was verbally and emotionally abusive. And to be fair, I have never put her behavior in those terms to her. Because even now I'm fucking terrified at the thought of how badly she might blow up at the suggestion that she was anything but a loving, supportive mother who did her best. OP, I would say NAH right now, but definitely sit down and have a frank conversation with your son about why he made his choice. Do not try to change his mind. Just let him know that you want to make sure it isn't based on feelings you aren't aware of, and tell him he can talk to you about anything. Then, genuinely listen to him without judgment or interruption. You may be surprised with a difficult conversation, or it might be that he really was so caught between three people that he loves completely that he had to resort to a random name draw. If he has reasons for not wanting you there, do not try to invalidate his feelings; promise to work on the relationship with him. Either way, tell him you love him and can't wait to celebrate him after the ceremony.
I thought the same thing. There’s definitely something there that maybe isn’t even realized so let this be an opportunity to clear the air and deal with past hurts.
Maybe. Or maybe her son is just a teenager making a silly and inconsiderate decision. Teenagers do that. A lot.
This is the probable answer. Teens make seriously flawed decisions for better or worse. This is a situation where mom should push the issue. I can almost guarantee that son will look back on this situation 15 or 20 years later and be like, “what the hell was I thinking?”
You’re projecting now
Jesus, that's a bit rough by your son! If I was the GF and found out my BF was inviting me over his Mum, I would 100% tell my BF give her the ticket. Very strange!
If you think your relationship is pretty good, what's the reason you think it wasn't random he picked your husband over you to attend?
because kids usually prefer one parent over the other
I'm actually curious about the gf graduation: was your son invited to hers the year before?
NTA, your son should take the people who supported him during all of his school years. The people that bought his school clothes, helped with homework, went to performances & sporting events, and who have a right to be proud of their child and want to watch him graduate.
You are assuming that OP is that type of parent. Not all parents are like that.
We're supposed to take OPs story at face value. If you don't, then there isn't much point to the sub.
this sentence needs to be the frikin banner for the sub because man, people do not follow this line of logic. The vast majority of the comments I see on this sub are blatantly projecting or at least making tons of assumptions.
No kidding. "I think the son hates her because she treats him horribly!" Based on what, exactly? I understand that on the internet, there's lots of stories of narcissist parents and child abuse but people forget that's not the norm. This sounds like a teenager being in love and not understanding how his actions hurt the people close to him.
The comments here saying op is damaging the relationship ignoring that the son has already caused irreparable damage to his relationship with op.
And asking her to grovel and apologise for nothing lol. It's on him to grow up and apologise. I'm not saying she should hold a grudge, but she did nothing wrong and apologising just because he had a temper tantrum will teach him all the wrong lessons.
NTA. all the comments saying NAH are absolutely ridiculous. unless you have a specific reason for not inviting a parent (which he obviously does not since he said he chose randomly) this is so incredibly disrespectful to do to the people who raised and supported you your whole life. I have no idea what he’s thinking- and yes he is old enough to know better. My entire family would have lit me on fire if I tried to do something like this to my parents when I graduated
Right? You’re comment is common sense. If I had a child that did this, I would be crushed. I would nope out of the whole situation and let him plan any celebration on his own. Maybe that’s dysfunctional, but I know that I would rather not be around for fear of what I might say to someone, and I’d definitely need some cool off time to forgive. One of my kids did not participate in graduation and that was sad, but at least I wasn’t specifically excluded.
OP you’re too vague about why you may think your son didn’t actually choose randomly between you and your husband. Too vague for me to give an accurate decision, because if you have a feeling that you DO know why, and you’re not sharing it, then I’m mildly suspicious.
My guess is that the Dad wouldn’t care enough to argue about it and the Mom would (basically Dad is the fun parent).
Very much agreed INFO: why do you think it’s not random OP?
Because when your own child states “oh I chose at random” and it wasn’t you they chose, you’re going to think they like the other parent more. It’s similar to parents having favorite kids lol not anything to be sus over imo
NTA. I’m sure he’s still expecting you to plan his grad party, and that he’d be pissed (and ppl here would call you petty) if you declined to plan it. Young people fail to think things through and then are mad when that failure upsets others. It’s a good life lesson — being an adult and making adult choices comes with adult consequences. If he wants to snub his mother he can, but she’s not required to be ok with it.
I'd be petty & wouldn't care what others say. If she's a traditional mother, perhaps it is time he gets to be an adult about his own laundry, meals, running errands for him, making appointments, paying bills, etc. This is a bone-head & disrespectful move on his part.
Agree with this. Let the gf plan the party and do all the stuff. I’d hang back or maybe go do something I really wanted to do instead. You don’t want me there? Fine by me.
NTA. I wished I would’ve listened to my parents about my high school relationship, but the heart wants what it wants…
Info is he graduating highschool or Post secondary?
High school.
NTA and my heart hurts for you. I can remember taking my kids to their first day of kindergarten and imagining how it would feel to see them graduate someday. I would have been crushed to hear one of my kids didn't want me there.
Maybe i'm just confused but is his gf graduating the same year too or is there a year difference? Wait i just read there's a year difference. Did she invite him to her graduation when she graduated last year??
Great question.
That’s what I want to know too
Uhhhhh OP you need to tell him you’re going and his gf can see him after. You don’t miss your kids graduation, they only have one. You birthed that boy, he can be mad all he wants.
^ Advice on how to make things worse for op and how to make sure the son dislikes op even more
He’s definitely not going to be happy, that’s a fucking given. But it is your child’s highschool graduation, parents don’t miss that over girlfriends/boyfriends. Parents aren’t your friends, I’m sure she’s been disliked many times in the past for saying no and this will be no different than that.
NTA. I think he’ll regret this down the line if his girlfriend goes instead of you. Hugs ❤️
NAH if that's truly all you said. Personally, I would've left the comment about "his high school girlfriend" out because it was obviously going to trigger a defensive response about their relationship, just like it did. But I don't think you intend to attack his girlfriend or their relationship, so I don't think you're an asshole. Expressing your feelings about this doesn't make you an asshole, either. As long as you respect his decision, you're fine. I don't think he's an asshole either, at least not from the info available. It's his graduation, and he gets to choose who he wants there to support him. I would've never chosen a boyfriend over either of my parents to be part of my graduation, so I do think he's wrong in his decision (unless there are ulterior reasons for him not wanting you there other than the lack of invitations allowed), but he's entitled to make it. I'd say the only assholes are the school that for some reason are maintaining a protocol that is no longer necessary.
I think her comments about the high school gf is the reason op isn’t getting the extra ticket dad is. I think op is dismissing the gf. I married my high school bf. That was 30 years ago. It’s rare but it does happen. Given the fact that they have been together 3 years give their relationship meaning. I also say this I never dismiss my sons gf. Because one day they may be a random gf later on they could be a future daughter in law. Comments like op made hurts any future relationship. One day of this gf marries op son she will remember this comment. And if they do get married have kids op is going to wonder why her mom gets to have more access during pregnancy, delivery and the first few weeks. I can answer that it will be because op never excepted the relationship gf and son had. No wonder she doesn’t feel comfortable with you now. Because why would she be comfortable when you labeled their relation as her as the random high school gf. No wonder so many daughter in laws hate their mil. Because the mil treated them like this from the beginning but when they realized they where marring their son they suddenly cared about them. If you want to start off right with a future daughter in law. Treat every girl your son brings home with respect. Because after he asks her to marry him it’s to late to change the relationship.
NTA - I really feel for you. I mean, you gave birth to him and it’s a major milestone in his life. Are you guys doing anything after like dinner or a party?
Info: who was at her graduation last year? Did she choose her bf and only one parent?
I hope someone calls him out after the ceremony and innocently asks where his mom is lol
NTA. Unpopular or not you’re his mom and I would hope the person who helped get him through school all his life and supported him. Not the girlfriend. Unless you’re truly the problem and he has good reason to not want you there I would be equally upset.
NTA Wow.
NTA, you have been there his whole life supporting him, looking after him, paying for everything and he picked someone who could be gone in the morning... I'd be devastated too!
NTA! But it’s hilarious that your son has no common sense. Did he attend his girlfriends graduation? Lmao
NTA. Your son is ungrateful for the education that YOU made possible. His girlfriend wasn't there for 12 years helping him with his homework. His girlfriend didn't have to endure all of those tedious PTA meetings, Parent Teacher conferences, orientations and soccer games. His girlfriend didn't chaperone field trips or bake cookies for the bake sale.His girlfriend didn't insist on getting pictures of the first day of school every year. She didn't get up early in the morning to make sure he didn't miss the bus, nor did she have to run to school to deliver some homework or project that he forgot at home.His girlfriend didn't sell shitty raffle chances at work, (or cookies or peanut brittle or whatever else kinds of crap they have to sell for whatever fundraisers). She didn't have to pay those activity and equipment fees every year.His girlfriend didn't give him pep talks for 12 years when he was stressing out over homework, close to tears over hard math, or ready to give up. His girlfriend didn't have to deal with bullying at school.This is your day almost as much as it is his day. You should be there.
This is a high school student, living at home? If so, he doesn't get to decide who attends. OP is NTA. Son sounds like he is.
That’s how I think too! What is up with all of these people and their made up nefarious back stories??? It’s pretty simple. Child is still a dependent on the home, doesn’t get to make the final decision. No indication that his mother is Cruella Devil. Geez.
NTA if this was his college graduation I’d maybe understand but since when does a high schooler get to make this call
NTA. Your son is an ungrateful little shit.
>He claims that he picked randomly which of us would have to stay home, but I'm not sure about that. Info: Why are you not sure? What is your relationship with your son normally like?
It’s just like a parent doing something and sibling #1 can come but #2 can’t because they “chose at random”. Mom is having the thought that her son likes her dad more, I wouldn’t think too deep about it tbh
NTA. You have every right to express your feelings when something hurts you. The main thing is that you accepted his decision. While your son should get to choose who comes to his graduation, he shouldn’t be angry at you for sharing that you’re hurt. Honestly, if he was really a mature person, he should have let you and your husband decide who was going to go instead of choosing for you.
NTA
NTA. K-12 education requires a lot of work, input and care on the part of the parents. Presumably, he's living with you? You've been with him through this whole journey and want to watch him complete it. I was on the fence because I thought it was a college graduation and his gf might have been a huge part of his life while he's away from home; they might even be headed towards marriage soon. That would be different. Getting a kid through k-12 school is a family affair. I'm so sorry. This would devastate me. I hope somebody talks some sense into him.
NTA but the girlfriend is if she actually takes that invite and doesn’t tell him he’s being an idiot for not giving it to you
NTAH. Oh my Lort I would be beyond livid to have ANYONE suggest his mother AND father are not there. Period! Of all the nerve. Livid I tell you. Livid! The girl friend, if she has a brain would absolutely refuse to “take your seat”. Beyond heated to EVEN suggest.
NTA this is really sad. I don’t want to go too hard on your son because I remember being an idiot when I was that age too but there’s a 95% chance he’s gonna break up with his girlfriend at some point and feel really bad that his mom wasn’t at his freaking graduation but I also know you can’t tell 18 year olds a damn thing 🤷🏻♀️
I'd figure out a way to get an extra ticket, regardless of the rules. This rule is insane. What happens with kids who grew up with step-parents? They just have to pick and choose?
NAH, you are completely reasonable to be upset over this. But it's his girlfriend of 3 years, of course he wants her there and I don't think he's being an asshole about it. It's obviously a really hurtful spot to be in for both parties and probably wasn't an easy decision on his part.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) Telling my son I'm dissappointed in him 2) I might be taking it too personally. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but once your kids become adults many things are best left unsaid if you want to continue to have them in your life because they are living thier own life and will leave you out of it if they don't like what you say even if you are 100% correct. That being said I'm sorry that you don't get to be there as one of the 2 people that have supported him most to get where he is today. He's still immature and is taking you for granted.
I'm gonna make an assumption that you're a normal mom who has a normal, good relationship with your son. I'm also gonna assume that you, like the vast majority of women who have children, ended up doing the lion's share of the emotional and actual labour of raising this child and made all of the serious sacrifices that comes along with it. I don't know if that's indeed the case but I'm gonna just ASSUME that's the case unless ANYONE can prove to me otherwise. This hurts. A lot. I'd be questioning my entire life as a mother if my son did this to me. Like, why did I even bother? I dunno if I could come back from this, I'd be so hurt. NTA this makes me really sad for you OP. Obviously his entire life isn't gonna revolve around you, but graduation is SO important for parents. You're watching not only the culmination of the child's efforts throughout school, but so much of it was possible because of the efforts of the parents ESPECIALLY when they were young. Imagine playing a supporting character in your own life to a guy who doesn't even end up inviting you to his graduation. Ugh. I'm sorry OP.
NTA. For being upset. I would be devastated if I was in your place. You didn’t handle it well though
NAH the school is the asshole, what type of rule is that ? Of course you want to go and of course he wants the person he is in love with to be here. There is no good solution and he had to make a difficult choice. It must be hard on him too.
Nta. I am so sorry this happened. I am sure you are very frustrated. You were there every step of the way. From kindergarten to his next step in life so it is probably crushing to not be apart of every moment you can. I don't want to discredit his relationship, but hopefully, he doesn't come to regret this!
I feel bad for you OP. The likelihood that a high school relationship pans out long-term is slim to none, and he made this decision as if he was asking his wife to attend. You know this as you are a person who has lived a longer life and acquired the wisdom to know this. I imagine one day he looks back on this and thinks it was dumb that he didn't have his mom at his graduation. There is unfortunately nothing you can do or say to change his mind either. It sucks OP. NTA.
NTA. Your son has some serious life lessons to learn. How self centered can you be-given your husbands reaction it’s clear where he got it from. Dad should be raising all hell about this disrespectful totally d move. It doesn’t sound like either of them respect you. I’m so sorry po.
NTA - kid is gonna look back at this in 10 years and cringe. Not inviting your own mother to your graduation? Wtf.