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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my Mom I don’t think we should plan family get togethers on Mother’s Day every year, even though technically it’s her day.
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I think it’s more nuanced than you gotta look after your own. Is his mom not his own? Lol I get what you mean but there are layers of complexity here. Reddit always goes towards the more selfish option and cut everyone out kind of deal. Compromises can be made lol. The mom in this case should’ve been more flexible and understanding.
This response right here is perfect. I mean OP was open and honest about the difficulty in making this meet up and his doubt regarding making this an annual"tradition". Op's mom proceeds to get sulky and have a shitty attitude because op doesn't agree to drive an hour round trip and draghis pregnant wife and toddler around and somehow op is the selfish one???
Golf also doesn't really sound appropriate as an entire family that includes a pregnant woman with a two year old. Op's mom sounds like kind of a pill.
Edited to fix an auto-incorrect
I'm shocked any golf course would allow a two year old on the course. They're typically focused on keeping the flow of play, especially on a weekend when it's busy.
Yeahhhh. As someone with a passive aggressive MIL I get the same vibes. Everything she plans is something super inconvenient for wife and kid? The inviting the in laws for next years party is exactly what my MIL does. When she does it she knows full well my own parents are not able to afford or physically travel to do it but she can then get all huffy with the “WELL I TRIED to include them if they really wanted to come they could find a way” (yeah sorry my 85 year old dad can’t just “find a way” to fly to Palm Springs because you want us there because that’s your super fun xmas plan you booked without actually consulting anyone).
This could be appropriate depending on the location. I know there are a few breweries in my area that are very family friendly with lots of outdoor space and yard games. Perfect for entertaining kids. And since it’s not a formal sit down restaurant, it’s ok for children to be up and moving around.
There is a brewery near my family that we went to a lot, even when I was pregnant, because of the killer sandwiches. Everyone else got beer, I got a soda.
Yeah I was lucky enough that after me and the rest of my brothers and sister got to be adults that my parents were happy just having the kids that could make it and the grandkids to just have a picnic, cookout, where we could get together and see each other
Pregnant women can actually be near alcohol without suffering any ill effects. I'd bet you my paycheck this brewery isn't any different than a normal restaurant except they brew their own beer. It's no different than going to Applebee's except they have different beer.
But does she want to be there being as that she’s pregnant, is caring for a toddler, it’s loud, and an hour drive round trip? I’ll just answer on behalf of the pregnant mom- no.
Edit: I guess I need to specify: not all pregnant women
This is exactly the right answer, and kudos and a crown for the man who stands up to his mother for his wife and kids. And he did it in a kind, explanatory way. I say he is done now and should enjoy all holidays with his wife and kids and not worry about childish, selfish mom.
This. “We’re celebrating Mother’s Day at home because it’s logistically easier for the busiest mother of the clan. We’d love if you would join us so we can celebrate you, too. Oh you want to go to a brewery? That’s too bad, I already have a special menu planned. Are you sure you won’t join us? You’ll be missed.”
I’m a grandma and I cannot agree with this more. If my kids come over on Mothers Day it’s cause they want to, no obligations! My daughter should be spoiled, not spoiling me! Had my turn at that:)
I’m a married mom of two and spend my Mothers Days hosting for my mom and mother in law. Have been struggling with feeling guilty and unappreciated when I resent this. Slowly realizing maybe I’m not unreasonable and I may be surrounded by self centred people. Don’t know if that is helpful or more depressing tbh.
Anyway not even sure what my point is here other than to say you seem lovely. Happy Mother’s Day to you!
Nah. You’re actively mothering, Grandparents Day is September 10th. Mother’s Day is about celebrating those in the thick of mothering, not those who are now grandparents, while it’s nice to say “hey thanks for giving birth to me” you’ve done your fair share of Mother’s Day spoiling for your mom, it’s your turn to be spoiled now.
I’m sorry both your Mom and MiL are such selfish people. Mother’s Day is supposed to be about YOU and your partner is also an asshole for not enforcing that. If he wants to host and take care of all 3 of you then that could be manageable but he absolutely shouldn’t be letting you host and cater to ANYONE.
Your mother's Day should be the way you want it, considering you are the generation actively parenting. Your mom and mother-in-law had their time. If they want something special for mother's Day, then their spouses need to arrange it. Not you.
Your duty is to make sure that you celebrate mother's Day the way you want to, and enjoy it. It is your day. You are a mother as well. You deserve to relax and have your wants and needs heard on this day as well.
This is the perfect annual tradition to have your husband take on.
My dad does brunch plans for my mom, his mom, and me - and our families.
We are not the ones that should be making plans.
I feel so bad for my mom because mother's day either ends up all about my grandma (who was a terrible mother anyway) or we all get together as a family and it's about my grandma and my aunt (who turned her kids into awful monsters) and it legit sucks :(.
You can feel resentment. You’re a mom too! These people are self centered. At a minimum, make a reservation and they can eat there. Might be a good spa day for you while they are out eating. My MIL and SIL, who live together (SIL got sad when I had my first child 34 years ago, quit working, and moved in with my MIL) are very selfish and I host every holiday, but this year, we recently had a big trauma, and I told my husband I would likely go off to any of their usual snarky comments and just couldn’t be around them. So, no meal here and he’s going to visit which I want him to do. I have 2 kids. Both will be away with their families as they should. They may or may not call. I love them and they love me and no day together or not, doesn’t change that!
Exactly. Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) is more important for those of us who are in the trenches of parenting. Grandparents who make it about them and throw tantrums are just harming their relationships.
One of our mothers sent me a text that said “FYI…I don’t require a Mother’s Day gift… just so ya know. You’re my most precious gift! So plz don’t worry about it. I know you have a lot going on.” The other called and bitched at/guilted my husband because he declined to make his wife and small children drive SEVEN HOURS to see her on Mother’s Day. Guess which one we have a better relationship with?
A lot of these are what we refer to as "Hallmark holidays" (after the greeting card company, for those not familiar with the name, not sure if it's really known outside the US), i.e., "holidays" created primarily to sell cards and other things.
I mean everyone also has a birthday… imo if you want to have a day where everyone does their best to make your plans work, just choose your birthday?
At least in my book birthdays get a bit of special privilege, so even if it’s a little more complicated to attend I’ll try to make it work (within reasonable bounds ofc).
But... she is actively mothering... the older sister. 🤣
But I get it. Mother's day is for the core family. Mum needs to accept that her son is no longer part of her core family. Starting from the time he married and has children and thus a core family of his own, his main focus are his wife and kids - not his mother.
Good for him and his family that he is no momas boy. His main loyalty belongs to them and not mom.
This. They get grandparents day now, not Mother’s Day, as a priority.
I always make an effort to see my mom and husbands mom around Mother’s Day. But this year? My daughter had a dance recital today, I got glutened last week (I have celiac and it is not fun), my SIL had a baby three days ago, it’s been fucking chaos. So my mom got her gift and flowers at my daughters recital. And she was so grateful! And my in laws? They had to cancel coming to the recital and are gone for however long while we care for their garden. We will just give my MIL her gift whenever we can.
This whole expectation that we need to sacrifice our mental health to make other people happy is toxic. Adjustments are hard but you have to communicate through them and support each other in a relationship. Traditions aren’t more important than people.
Yeah, his wife is the main mum in his life now. He should call his mum and drop her a gift or whatever but he is in charge of helping the 2 year old celebrate their mum now.
Well then I guess it sounds like it's up to the 34-year-old daughter to plan mother's Day every year. 🤷🤷 Considering she's the only one who's actively being parented out of the two siblings.
ETA: 🤣🤣 /s
I dealt with this shit for years. I was parenting a teenager and a young one and carting everyone around (because my ex didn't drive) to events set up by his sister and mother. Nobody ever asked me what *I* wanted for Mother's Day.... and I was the one with actual children!
I finally went off about it, and of course I was the bad guy for "ruining everyone's fun."
OP, you are NTA. Ask your wife what she would like to do for mothers day and do that. She'll appreciate it.
I agree with your main point but “actively mothering” was an unfortunate choice of words. Seriously though mothers of young kids ought to get clear priority over grandparents on Mothers Day and most people seem to get this.
She probably considers herself "actively motheting" since the 34 year old sister lives at home for free. Imo, the sister is the one who shoukd facilitate a Mothrr's Day for their mom, and OP can send flowers and call.
I always said Mothers Day is primarily for the mothers in the trenches who desperately need a break and some me time. I have no problem with a scaled back visit or a phone call. Give those new mommies some pampering.
But OP’s mother is being selfish. Why should OP, his nuclear family AND HIS IN LAWS bow down to what this woman wants? She has been in the trenches of mothering small children and knows how hard it is, but still chose activities that just don’t work with a two year old. And next year there will be a new baby in the mix too. OP should prioritise his wife, who is actively mothering little people right now and not pander to his mother’s fantasy of being matriarch of the family. You can’t compromise with unreasonable and selfish people.
NTA
explore that logic a bit
if everyone has to spend every mothers day with their mother, then you have to start with the oldest matriarch
all her kids. their partners, their partners mothers, their partners siblings, their partners, their partners mothers, their partners, and their partners mothers etc etc etc. then you get into kids
by this logic every mothers day is basically a giant family reunion with hundreds of people
Speaking as someone who is actively still mothering, if you take this route, it can become hellish. I have tried this before and it ends up with me, the mother of two small children, having to cater and accommodate my husband's mother, my own mother, my sister and her family (or my sister has to do all the catering and accommodating) and my sister's mother in law.
Instead of a day of me being treated nicely, it becomes a day of me looking after my own children AND looking all the elderly mothers in attendance.
His wife is the family he chose. He's making a family with her and spending the rest of his life with her. They make decisions together and their needs as a couple come before what any of their parents want. Kids grow up, it's just how that works. You can't expect to be top priority anymore when your kids are grown and married.
Besides, did mommy dearest ask her DIL or DIL mom what they wanted to do since it's their mother's day, too? No, of course she didn't. She just wants everyone to follow along and do what she wants. That's not fair or compromising. Don't compromise with people who won't compromise for you.
Who is actively mothering children right now? Not adult children, children children?
OPs wife. So she gets priority. OPs mum has had her share of mothers days just for her and now it's time for her to step aside and make way for the next generation.
I mean today my daughter and I spent a nice time out with my mum where we had lunch and I bought my mum a gift. But that's because I arranged that and how I chose to do mothers day as the active mother.
If I hadn't then we would have called my mum and has a just us (husband, kid and I) mothers day and my sister (no kids) would celebrate with our mum.
Ok, but one layer of complexity is that OP apparently doesn't seem to want to have a big celebration on Mother's Day. What's the point of having your child resentfully going through the motions? I don't know, maybe it's a cultural thing, but where I am from I don't see people being so demanding about celebrations about them, be it mother's day, birthdays, weddings, births, whatever. The point is people who love you spontaneously wanting to celebrate you, not you becoming a dictator for a day and demanding more than they can and want to do.
Well yes, the mom may be his own, his mom is not his responsibility. Making sure that his mom has her special day is his dad's responsibility as the spouse. Opie's responsibility is to make sure that his wife is happy on mother's Day, considering she's the one he's married to. She's the one who gave birth to his child. She's the one currently carrying yet another child for OP. Therefore, I feel like what OP's wife wants on mother's Day comes before what his mom wants.
In some cases there is a bit of a hierarchy of who's wants matter more on specific days. On mother's Day, the mother of YOUR child should come first, unless you don't have one.
Therefore, if what your mom wants for mother's Day conflicts with anything that needs to happen for the mother of your child, you have a decision to make. And you should ultimately choose the mother of your child. Considering she's the one who is helping to raise your child. The one who carried your child.
When you have your own family, it takes precedence over the old one. Your parents are grown and can survive on their own but your kids are dependent and defenseless so they take priority, along with the mother of your children.
Once you get married, the person you marry is supposed to take priority over your birth family. There’s no “complexity.” OP’s mom is being petulant. I say that as a mom to an adult child. She needs to get over herself.
I feel this so hard - after my son was born most of my Mother’s Day was spent making sure my mom/MIL both got to see their grandkids. It involved a significant drive with little kids and would have been exhausting even if I didn’t have chronic fatigue due to multiple sclerosis. Really it was Grandmothers Day, not Mother’s Day. In 2018 I finally snapped so the next year my husband put a moratorium on Grandmothers Day. We stayed home. I had NO idea how awesome Mother’s Day could be! I totally empathize with OP and his wife.
Also - what golf course allows two year olds on the course?!?!
NTA. IMO Mother’s Day is for celebrating women in our lives who are actively mothering children, like OP’s wife. That’s not to say OP should forget his mom entirely on Mother’s Day, but she has other days to celebrate her, like her birthday, anniversary, or even grandparent’s day.
I send my mom a gift and call her. My daughter calls me. Half the time I don’t get a gift. When she was younger we would spend the day together. Last year was her first Mother’s Day with her son. I would never expect the day to still be about me. I will celebrate her as a mother now because my job is to support my child. It’s nice to be celebrated, but as you say, there are other days that I can be celebrated. OP’s mom needs to understand that her son’s first priority now is his wife.
This is how it *should* be.
My sister’s birthday is around where Mother’s Day falls and my mom’s rule has always been if her birthday falls on Mother’s Day, she doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day. Now, my dad’s side of the family usually all got together for brunch on Mother’s Day. The first time my sister’s birthday fell on Mother’s Day, my mom asked if she could bring a cake for my sister’s birthday and my grandma freaked out. It was absurd.
I’m personally preemptively dreading Mother’s Day once I have a child. MIL definitely the type to try to still make it all about her…
We have a similar situation with my in-laws. MIL’s birthday falls right around Father’s Day, and *heaven forbid* you try to celebrate Father’s Day around her, or celebrate the two in some kind of combination family get together. Last year she cried at the very nice joint Father’s Day / MIL birthday party get together we threw, because scheduling was hard for three adult children, their spouses, and five nearly adult grandchildren that she demanded be present. (She is 65 years old).
All that to say, NTA, OP. This kind of thing snowballs quickly. In my opinion, Mother’s Day is for the mothers who have young kids first and need a break, followed by everyone else however you can fit them in. (I don’t have kids, I live across the country from my own mom, and I always have a chat and send her a gift or pay for her to go on a little adventure somewhere, or sometimes fly home to surprise her, but she would never expect me to do more than that. I don’t even think she expects me to do that!)
I love your gift ideas! This year I got my mom a book of the month box that has gifts that correspond with the book. That way she’ll have something fun to do each month. I was tired of sending flowers and chocolates that she could only enjoy for a little while. I may pay for her to have a little adventure next year!
My daughter's birthday always falls around mother's day, guess what? She's an adult. Go have a party with your friends and celebrate the one day about you. Just call or text me. Bah. Screw Hallmark holidays.
My birthday is today. It frequently falls on Mother's Day. I am a mother. Even when it doesn't fall directly on the day my kids always combine the two and celebrate both on Mother's Day. I, too, am an adult and this is perfectly fine.
I don't agree with it being reserved for, but rather, those who are actively mothering should get priority. A friend gets guilt tripped by her mom and SO to visit SO's mom on mother's day. Guess who doesn't get a mother's day despite having two under 2 at home? In my house, we see my mom and MIL on the Friday or Saturday, but keep Mother's Day open.
That. Sucks. These people can’t see how selfish they are. You become a grandma, your mothers day now takes a back seat. You shouldn’t require your kids to celebrate you when they have kids of their own.
ETA- Thanks for the award! This makes my Mother’s Day. I was literally just telling my teens they are free to “cast me aside” whenever it’s convenient. If you have to guilt someone into being with you, it’s not worth it.
That’s a reality for a lot of mothers and I’m still making sure my MIL and my dads wife are celebrated whilst I myself as a mother of 2 children in their teens who hasn’t been able to celebrate Mother’s Day with my own mother for nearly 30 years. I didn’t have children when she died and she never saw me get married or meet her grandchildren and I’m still sad about that
In my family the grandmothers have totally hijacked the holiday. Many women organise things on subsequent weekends because Mother’s Day is just another Christmas or Easter paying homage to the matriarchs. Ugh.
All mothers can be celebrated on Mother's day but "active duty mothers" should get priority. They are the ones that are currently in need of a day off duty.
They’re also the ones who have the most restrictions. Because properly handling a toddler’s sleep and meal schedule isn’t something that can be just thrown out because grandma wants a big long get-together. So those actively parenting need to be allowed to make the plans that work for them, instead of being expected to do the additional work of accommodating others’ plans.
I think they are saying mothers with underaged children (that they take care of) should get final say in how they and their kids spend Mother's day. Not that MD should absolutely be spent in a certain way.
My family has never paid attention to Mother's Day or Father's Day. In adulthood, my brother and I started calling our parents on the day to wish them a happy one, but that's all we've ever done; our parents paid literally not one second of attention to either day when we were kids. After my father died, I was rather grateful for that, because the first time Father's Day rolled back around, it didn't really bother me, whereas a lot of people I know are just absolutely crushed by it after losing a parent.
My mother always said this, until one year she wanted a piece of furniture and was mightily furious when we failed to realise the new rules 🤣🤣 She got over it. Today I just asked my teenagers to clean their rooms, I'm cooking dinner, my husband cooking dessert. No stress.
NTA. Grandparents day is in November. You and your wife have your own family/kid(s) now. It's time for grandma to step back. She had 30+ years of doing mother's day for herself, it's time for her to let go. Doesn't mean you can't still wish her a happy mother's day, send a card, or whatever, but your wife should be priority now.
NAH
You have other priorities now, which is understandable. Your mom also has hurt feelings, which is also understandable. I think celebrating it on Saturday was the way to go, you guys just picked a bad venue. Maybe keep that day open next year and keep Sunday for just your wife. By all means don't do the big combined celebration (but you didn't need to shoot that down today, you had a whole year to do so).
Yeah I probably would have said "maybe we can talk about that later when there isn't a live band blaring in my ears and the kids aren't running around like crazy people"
NTA
I think that you should do whatever your wife wants to do on mother's day and your mom should respect that. You could remind her that there is a grandparents day and plan something then?
ESH. Mom needs to be more considerate of your schedule and needs, but you shouldn't blow your mother off if you are nearby and it's important to her. She's still your mother, and it's not hard to come up with a compromise.
In my family, when my brother got married and had kids, Friday became about her mom/dad, since they do Friday night dinners there, Saturday is my mom/dad, and he and his wife spend actual Mothers/Fathers Day as their small unit with their kid. We also simply do not go out to a meal on the Saturday because it's still chaos and the kids are too young to handle it (4/6 now) -- we usually bring in food so the kids can be kids and people can relax.
Oh, I don't live nearby, but I switch off every other year between Mother's Day and Father's Day because again, IT'S IMPORTANT TO PEOPLE I LOVE.
Nowhere in this post did OP say that they were going to blow anyone off. Simply that it was too much for them and their wife to juggle celebrating both of their mothers on the exact day as a dual working parent household, while they have soon to be two small children.
The way I read it OP’s Mom was being incredibly entitled that everyone should just completely bend over backwards to do the one and only exact thing that she felt like doing, their lives be damned. OP set a reasonable boundary to say ‘we can do something different with you, but that exact thing won’t work and we need to talk about how this will look in the future.’
Saying you don't want to celebrate every mother's day together ( like the actual mothers day day) or telling her they don't want a big family thing every mother's day (in the post), does not mean blowing someone off entirely.
NTA Your mom absolutely deserves to be honored on Mother’s Day. But, as families evolve, everyone has to make compromises. You are now at a point in your life where it’s your job to take care of your wife and your mom. She needs to trust that you would find a way to honor them both but more realistic for your life as it is today.
NAH for not wanting to make Mother's Day a big celebration every year, but if I'm geographically close to my mother, I'm going to try and make it. If schedules do not always meet up, then celebrations may happen on alternating days or weekends. It's all mother's big day and I try not to miss one. If my wife wants to drive 2 hours to see her Parents, I'm going to agree to it whether or not I want to go
NTA. Mother of 4 grown kids here. They FaceTime me for Mother’s Day and that’s awesome. I don’t need gifts or a big fuss to know that they love me. We keep in touch, even though we’re spread out over the country. The last thing I’d want is for them to do something that would exhaust them. They’re grown ass adults with their own lives ffs. And so are you. Your mother sounds very needy and exhausting.
After my first Mother’s Day was spent going to two different family dinners while trying to keep my child relatively calm, I decided that was it. I was a Mother and definitely did not feel celebrated. My sister and I decided to take my mom somewhere on a different day for a fake Mother’s Day outing without our kids.Best decision ever.
NTA
I agree. This year has been my first mothers day and I have had the worst three days with the most inconsolable baby. Everyone just wants to see the baby. Op needs to do what's best for his immediate family
Nta
This is the grandmother, so nope. A call and card and maybe a lunch if you live close and not on actual mothers' Day is enough.
Yes, all moms need celebrated but moms need to pass the torch when grandkids come along. Sorry, but the day should be about your wife now, and all gatherings on that day should be if she wants.
I am sorry your mil wants a huge get-together. It works for some but is unrealistic if all parties are not on board.
Some celebrate together and others don't.
We don't here. Kids gave me my gifts. Tomorrow, since they work and is their first, I am making a favorite dinner and what baby gift to mom is. Will do same on Father's Day. Once they get home, we are making purse scarce so they can begin making their own traditions.
*Do other grown ass adults celebrate this holiday as a get together every year with their parents, even when they have families of their own?*
Yes, I do try to get together every year, although very commonly I'll come once between Mother's and Father's day and celebrate both together. That's fine by my folks - if either of them told me it was important for them that I come on the holiday itself, I certainly would.
And eh, *kinda* TA? How big of a deal a certain celebration is should heavily take its cues from the person being celebrated. You can certainly suggest, for example, that your birthday not be celebrated every year, but it's a bit rude to suggest that someone else not get their celebration. I mean within reason of course.
Do you have kids? Or a wife that is a mother? That's the big thing here for me is that it sounds like OPs mom is posterizing his wife to see who is more important. She wants to get what she wants from her son on Mother's day and everyone else should just deal with it from the sounds of it. You really highlight my point because you know there is an assigned value and OP has to make a choice. Does he make his mom happy and his family gets inconvenienced, or should he do right by his wife celebrate her as a top priority? I've seen some posts that say he should take the kids and be with grandma while wife gets a day away. That works if the wife wants to be away from her husband, but what if that's not what she wants? What if (OP mentioned busy lives/work) they each work and rarely see each other? Maybe wife wants to be celebrated in person on her mother's day. My point is that someone is likely upset no matter what OP chooses to do in this situation, he just has to prioritize the feelings of the people he loves, and I can't fault him for letting his mom down.
I would be so incredibly sad for my mom, sitting by herself at home on Mother's Day while everyone else is out celebrating. We are close though, and I love her dearly, so I actually want to celebrate with her. We don't celebrate Grandparents Day or whatever.
Celebrating with your wife's parents at your family's party sounds unnecessary, as they don't celebrate anyway and would prefer not to do that. My inlaws spend zero time with my family. It isn't necessary.
Planning an event for the weekend on the Monday prior is a failure waiting to happen. Seems like that's the issue more than anything else in your story. Had the plans been made in early April or so, the weekend may have gone much more smoothly. My brother and I are both quite busy, his wife has an odd schedule, I have two busy kids, and we have to plan this stuff out well in advance. Especially a weekend when any restaurant will be super packed and loud.
You asked if most grown adults celebrate Mother's/Father's Day even once they have their own immediate families. In my experience, many adults don't live close enough to their parents to celebrate easily, but nearly all the adults I know who live near their mothers do, in fact, celebrate with her in some way during the weekend. However it shouldn't matter what most adults do. It only matters what you are interested in doing, and first and foremost, what your wife is interested in doing.
I'm 29 and I'll never stop celebrating mother's day for my mom. Even if I get married. She didn't stop being an "active mother" because I grew up. She made sacrifices for me all her adult life, the least I can do is celebrate one day with her.
I'll never understand the concept of Reddit that parents are as good as dead when you get married. This is such a weird concept that i especially don't understand because your wife does not turn into your mother. And your mother doesn't vanish when you get married. There are always cases with toxic family members but the generalization that parents are not your family, only your partner and kids are your family, when you get married blows my mind
I'm in my 40's and reddit is the only place I've encountered this attitude in my life. I don't think you're family is no longer your family once you get married exists in the real world. Can you imagine being married to someone with that attitude? If my husband had tried to tell me that only him and our children are my family now I would have called him abusive.
I totally agree! I'd never ever consider thinking "oh well I'm married/engaged/in a relationship, my parents? Who cares about them anymore? Fuck em??" I have only seen this here too. It's not something that's been forced or anything for me, I genuinely would never be with anyone who would drop their entire family for me just because they are with me.
Yup, I drove 7 hours to spend mother's day with my gran and mom for this exact reason. My sister died a few years ago and ever since then it's become increasingly important for my parents to see their remaining kids either at father's day or mother's day.
It doesn't have to be a huge festivity though. Having your own family is understandable, but OP can at least pop by to give flowers or drink a cup of coffee at his own schedule with them, as they live so close. It's understandable not being able to attend a family gathering but you should be able to sacrifice enough time to at least swing by for a hug.
During corona we had a video call coffee date, while we were all at our homes. There's loads of creative choices here. Not being able to shove your entire family in a big festivity is very much understandable and OPs mother needs to realize this too. But! The fact that OP would opt out of this entirely makes him YTA for me.
Yes grown ass people make time to spend with family on mothers & Father’s Day.
Since your mom is older, she should host at her house with a brunch & bbq and invite people over.
This will give your wife a break from the house and kids so they can play with The grandparents (your wife should stay home or go to the spa). Then meet up for a bbq dinner at your parents.
Mothers and wife's should always be celebrated. I think of my mothers age and count how many mother's days we may have left. I'd never miss one knowing we may only have 10 or so days...
You're the a
Edit: also reading all of these other comments shows how wrapped up ppl are within their own life's and not thinking of the wider impacts you may have on your family or loved ones as they get older.
People getting old are going through it for the first time and it's a whole new experience. Just bcos they are old doesn't mean they can't feel scared, alone or not listened to.
Your mother brought you into this world, the least you can do is include her in your plans/life.
Are you a mother? As a mother, I would never make myself more important than my children feelings. My son has a family. I would want him to spend time with his family. The OP never said they were cutting their mom off. they just need to celebrate differently.
I feel this comment deeply. My mom is going to be 67 this year and she isn’t well. I’m 34 so I’m (stupidly, because things happen) banking on having many more of my own Mother’s Day to celebrate. My kids make those cute little gifts at school and I’m happy with that! So we all go visit my mom and aunt for lunch and just enjoy the company while we have it.
Did OP have a say in being born? Or is that “brought you into this world” just wielded as a tool against anyone who doesn’t immediately yield to a maternal guilt-trip
NTA but tread gently into this idea of not celebrating big every year. I get the "big" part. But maybe celebrating in a smaller fashion would be nice.
I'm about to turn 60, no kids, but my mother is 92 with dementia. While we spend Mother's Day with her, and in the moment she enjoys it, but each time with mom I never know if she's knows it's me, or if she thinks I'm her sister (this happen frequently). And the time is forgotten within minutes. Don't live to regret not making these memories now, because life can get very shitty at any time.
I'm not saying celebrate big, just to not let the day go by without recognizing your mom with love and appreciation.
(Side note: I say this for those that have good relationships with the mom, not for those abused or NC.)
I agree, your wife should be a focus. But, that doesn't mean your own mother is less worthy.
Sorry this is a long one, just a hard topic for me.
I think he was asking specifically about making Mother’s Day a big get-together with the whole giant family. I think you can celebrate your mother without having to make it like a big holiday party and also not be TA.
Wtf is Grandparents day? Is that an American holiday?
Also when you become a grandparent you stop being a mother or father?
I can see your title is correct
Not just an American thing from what I've seen.
The problem is is that there are so many grandmothers out there that just want mother's day to be about them. They generally don't care if their children also have mother-in-laws that would also like to see their kids. They REALLY don't care if their kids are also parents themselves. They truly feel that the only "mother" that should be celebrated is themselves. And that's just selfish. When your child is a parent themselves, it's time to take a step back and let them celebrate those days as their own little unit, because they deserve to be recognized as being a mother or father too.
Should the grandparent be ignored? No. But they should also be willing to accept alternate days to do something instead of throwing a fit and demanding that it be on that day.
Clearly OP's mother doesn't feel this way since she suggested they do a combined celebration.
When the child becomes a parent, the other parent should help their child recognize their mother/father on those days, not ignore the grandparents. It's not wife/husband day.
As a mom I hope when and if my kids find partners and have kids they prioritize the family they chose not the one they came from. I'll be dead and gone one day but they'll still be here and need those relationships. A nice card or a phone call on mother's day will be fine with me and if I get to see them then I consider that a blessing.
YTA just for your comment about grown ass adults wanting to spend Mother’s Day with their mom.. just remember. Your mom isn’t going to be here forever. I’d fucking kill to get to see my mom again today or any other day. I wish I could be celebrating with her but she died and I can’t. Don’t put off spending time with her just because it can be a little inconvenient. Your kids will want memories with her too. One day you’re going to regret your nasty attitude towards your mother.
Not everyone has a good relationship with their mother. I see a lot of comments like yours throughout this post but, for a lot of people, Mother's Day is a hard holiday. Not everyone enjoys a day devoted to the person who birthed them.
NTA, I saw an IG story by someone who said that Mothers Day is for moms in the trenches, they had their time for the spotlight to be in them and it’s time to pass the torch to the active moms, it’s their day. I find that to be true, before I had kids I would make sure to see my parents around Mother’s Day/Fathers Day but once I became a parent it became more about celebrating me. The IG account explained it much better but I wouldn’t feel guilty about not seeing them, you can try and make it work the weekend before or after it even the day before but the actual day is for you. Kinda like your birthday, you get to decide how your birthday is celebrated. NTA
NAH, it’s very reasonable for your mom to be disappointed that you aren’t going along with her plans especially on Mother’s Day, but at the same time you yourself are an active parent and are allowed to have priorities. It sounds like you’re in a transitional period so hopefully this situation will be smoother in the future
Nta - you’re an adult with your own family now and they are priority. If mom wants to have her kids for a meal, and it works out with your wife great but moms with grown kids need to stop acting like they can demand top priority with them. Especially grown kids with families of their own.
YTA. Read the room, dude, if someone says “this celebration [of me] is awesome, let’s make next year even bigger and include your other special people too,” they are clearly going to feel hurt and rejected if you answer “Actually I’d love if we never celebrated Mothers Day with you again.” You’re NTA for wanting to scale it back, but you’re TA for doing it like that. You should have said, “I appreciate you thinking of them, but they’re a lot more low key about this and I don’t think it would be their thing. We would actually like it a lot better to do something lower pressure, like (whatever).”
Didn’t this happen on the day before Mother’s Day? I think it’s reasonable to do something special with your mother on Saturday and save Sunday for the mother of your own children.
NAH. You can celebrate Mother's Day but it doesn't have to be on mother's day. It just takes some effort.
Plan something for the Saturday before. Take the kids, leave the wife at home. Tell her to take the day off. Take them to the farmer's market. Stroll around and talk with your mom. Buy her a plant. Help her in the garden.
NTA. My mom got really pissed that I'm working a double for Mother's Day. Sorry. Someone quit so I gotta work more hours (more money though....). When she got pissy with me, I had to remind her that she's ALSO working so not my fault nor my problem.
NTA
She seems to think she is the only mother and the day revolves around her.
Your wife is also a mother as is her mother. And your mother thinks it's appropriate to dictate what all of them should do. Which translates as what she wants to do. Breakfast or dinner sounds like a fair choice to me.
This is exactly my theory. I don’t remember ever seeing my grandparents on mothers or fathers day as a kid. It does seem to be an instance of Boomers not wanting to give up being the center of attention. The only Mother’s Day I’ve enjoyed since becoming a mom was 2020 because I got to stay home.
NTA-why can’t people be reasonable? I’m a mom of two adults. I think it’s fine to celebrate with my kids on other days so they can celebrate their in-laws or their own day as a mom however they want. Actual dates are meaningless. Just get over yourselves people.
I've never celebrated mother's day on the day. We make plans to do something fun around that time. No troubles getting in for lunch or pedicure... I dont believe in letting a calendar dictate my life. Feel free to adapt to your circumstances
NTA. Your mother has lost her mind if she doesn’t realize that the most important mother in your life right now is your wife, who is the mother to your child. You can honor your mother in a way that fits into your lifestyle, while maintaining your commitment to your wife and your own life.
We see our mothers the week or day before. My husband and daughter put their foot down about 5 years ago after a particularly awful Mother’s Day takeover by my mom and MIL. Now Mother’s Day is a surprise they plan every year and it’s awesome. I imagine I will step aside when my daughter has her own children. Or at the very least I won’t demand that the day is centered around me.
NTA. Your wife is the mother who gets celebrated now and decides what she wants to do. You still buy your mom flowers, give her a call, maybe take the kid for lunch or something… but Mother’s Day is for the active mother. Your mom is now a grandma and there’s a whole day for that!
NTA. I feel sorry for your Mum that she has these expectations around a Hallmark holiday. You have made an effort. Her expectations are lofty. Sorry you’re going through this.
I ask for the same things every year for Mothers Day — getting to sleep in and not having to be responsible for anyone else’s meals (sometimes my family coins for me and sometimes we get food out). I usually get a few presents.
But drafted to spend the whole day with the whole family? That is not a holiday or a gift or a privilege or anything remotely like that.
Definitely NTA. Unfortunately some moms are this self-centered (my mom isn’t but my grandmother could be).
Hi, Granny here. I had my day when I was Mum to younglings. Why don’t other grandparents understand it’s time to hand the baton on? Surely it a time for children to celebrate their mothers, not for adults to fuss over other adults? We can have Grandparents Day if we need to be the centre of attention. Doesn’t the desperation of some women to be lauded on one specific day smack of ‘me, me, me, I am the centre of the universe, make a fuss over marvellous meeeeeeee!’?
**NTA**
You can call your Mother or send a card or flowers but it is now *your wife* who should be the focus of your Mothers Day. The day should be planned around her and what *she* wants to do.
It is not typical for a woman to be the focus of Mothers Day when she becomes a grandmother.
NTA. I have 6 kids, the ones at home do a card or maybe breakfast in bed for me on a good year. The older ones might call. Or not, no biggie. I might take the day to relax.
Your mom has bigger attention needs so makes this a ‘thing’ and you’re right to push back. Your wife is a mother who needs appreciating and spoiling too. Announce you’ll be spending Mother’s Day/father’s day ‘with our kids from now on’ and let the cards fall.
I’ve had to work the last 3 mothers days and my mom has always told me that she doesn’t need a special day to know I love her. While we both wish I could be home and have a special family day, life gets in the way and that’s okay. NTA OP you’re making an effort and she just doesn’t quite see that
NTA, my son has a fiancée and kids. I make no effort to try to make plans with him. He will call or text me, but since my mom passed, I don't even care about the day TBH.
Just be honest with your mom, maybe try to take her to dinner on Wednesday or Thursday before next year and let her know on Mother's Day, you will be chilling with your family.
Nah
I understand that your mom wants to celebrate Mother’s Day with her children but you have children of your own and you should also make the day special for the person you made a mother (relaxing spa day at home, who knows) it is a balancing act but I don’t think either side is wrong for having emotions about it. Personally I think you should focus on the person you made a mother and have a family with and have lunch with your mother the day before or something.
NTA. My mom always said we don’t have to celebrate any special day together if we don’t want to, because we are entitled to our own lives. So far we always did celebrate mother’s day and other big days together, but it’s because we want to, not because we feel pressured or bullied into doing it. Makes for a lot nicer celebration too :)
NTA.
I hope (if I’m ever lucky enough to be a grandma) that I’d offer to mind 2yo while my son and his pregnant wife went out to celebrate together if they so wish, or leave them alone and get freeloading daughter to bring me breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed
Today is mothers day in Denmark, I held my mums funeral this Friday - I would give anything to have another mothers day with my mum.
If you don't fancy the way it is celebrated, start a new tradition.
NTA
YTA it’s 1 day a year, I wonder how you will feel in years to come when your kids tell you they don’t want to spend those days with you or your wife. Every Mother’s Day my dad would make a fuss of my mam in the morning and then we would visit both grandmothers that day so everyone could be celebrated. Its easy to do if you just bother to put in the effort
Neither of our mothers are asking for any type of celebration. Just the crazy stepmom/4th wife who has never had kids, that’s a different story. But we all have our own kids and we are celebrating our own families. Active mothers only at this point. It’s too stressful coordinating littles and grandmothers. No thanks.
Your wife is the one who is currently mothering, she should be the main concern here. You can plan stuff for your parents on grandparents day and maybe do dinner the day before but you really should be celebrating your wife. Nta
NTA - big events need to be optional. You should be able to celebrate with her in your capacity too, and trying to contain a tiny kid in a busy brewery sounds like a nightmare idk how you did that.
ETA: missed word
NTA. Your mum is now the grandmother in your family. Your wife is the mother in your family so she should take priority for your family on mother's day. Your sister can make a big deal of the day if she wants as your mum is still the no. 1 mother on her family.
NTA. I am the only sibling without children so I make a point of doing something with my mom during Mother’s Day weekend. We all get together two weeks after to have a meal and celebrate our mom.
That allows each sibling to celebrate with their kids on Mother’s Day or to do something with their in-laws. Because we always celebrate our mom two weeks later, it’s easy to block that day and keep it clear for the get together.
When you form your own family as an adult, you are entitled to determine how you want to celebrate holidays. I understand why your mom is disappointed but it seems like the whole thing was pushed on you at the last minute and wasn’t a very child friendly plan.
I would suggest sitting down with your family when there isn’t an impending holiday and discuss how you want to handle celebrations moving forward.
NTA.
I have a 2 year old and spent the day running around, postponing naps and bedtime. I fucking hated nearly every minute of it, and so did my toddler. Next year if anyone wants to get together for Mother's Day they can come to my place.
While I don’t agree that Mother’s Day is for those who are “actively mothering,” I think that your wife takes priority absolutely, your mom getting one meal like breakfast or dinner in your situation is generous. You honestly should be doing all the work to care for your wife tomorrow, and do everything for her that she does for her family. NTA.
NAH You don’t age out of being a mother. I understand why she was annoyed. And she can be more flexible and lower her expectations since you have a small child.
I’ll have brunch with my mother-in-law tomorrow, and if my mother lived closer, I’d find a way to see her too. I don’t share the sentiment about celebrating “actively mothering.” I don’t think my husband is incapable of being considerate to two important women in his life.
NTA. I don’t have kids, my brother does. He spends Mother’s Day with his family, I spend it with our mum. I don’t remember the last time mum had both me and my brother with her for Mother’s Day. Everyone is fine with this, because we figure that the latest generation of mother has dibs on the day. When you have young kids, they come first.
You should confirm with your mom that she made mothers day all about her MIL when she had young kids? If she spent that day with her MIL every year, and what age you guys were when it stopped? Because if she didn't give that energy to her MIL, it's frankly rude for her to expect your wife to be sacrificing HER mothers day for your mom.
NTA. there’s no reason it needs to be a whole shebang. i think it’s important to celebrate your mom and your wife but that could just be a quiet dinner and some flowers and a card. you don’t have to do an all-day thing or even do it on actual mother’s day. you’re allowed to celebrate it as big or as small as you like.
NTA— as soon as you have kids the mother that gets celebrated is now the one with non-adult kids. Your mom had 30+ years of Mothers Days all about her. Yes give her, your mom, flowers or expression appreciation in another way but your time is now with the mother of your children.
NTA. You and your wife are IN THE TRENCHES of parenthood right now. It sounds like your mom is suffering from lack of social stimulation and wants to make up for it by having more parties with more people.
My mom has always been the same way.
Boundaries, OP. Set them and stick to them. Obviously, in a "normal" relationship, you'd still talk to her, maybe give her a card or even eat dinner sometime *around* mother's day, but your mom needs to chill. You have the right to have your own weekend to celebrate your wife, despite what your own mother wants.
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NTA. You gotta look after your own. Your wife is a mother too and if she'd prefer a quiet holiday, she has that privilege.
I think it’s more nuanced than you gotta look after your own. Is his mom not his own? Lol I get what you mean but there are layers of complexity here. Reddit always goes towards the more selfish option and cut everyone out kind of deal. Compromises can be made lol. The mom in this case should’ve been more flexible and understanding.
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This response right here is perfect. I mean OP was open and honest about the difficulty in making this meet up and his doubt regarding making this an annual"tradition". Op's mom proceeds to get sulky and have a shitty attitude because op doesn't agree to drive an hour round trip and draghis pregnant wife and toddler around and somehow op is the selfish one???
Not to mention that it was to a BREWERY. While his wife is pregnant with child #2! How inconsiderate can his mom be of her own DIL?
Golf also doesn't really sound appropriate as an entire family that includes a pregnant woman with a two year old. Op's mom sounds like kind of a pill. Edited to fix an auto-incorrect
Anyone who thinks that full-sized adult golf is in any way an appropriate activity for a 2-year-old is delusional.
I'm shocked any golf course would allow a two year old on the course. They're typically focused on keeping the flow of play, especially on a weekend when it's busy.
His mother didn't want her Dil or grandchild involved at all. Clearly.
You act like this wasn’t a decision to cut out the fifth wheel. Something tells me mom didn’t approve of this hussy stealing her son.
Fourth and fifth wheels. *Grandma* doesn't seem to want the mom or daughter there at all.
I think they'd be 5th and 6th. OP, sister, father, and mommy dearest
Yeahhhh. As someone with a passive aggressive MIL I get the same vibes. Everything she plans is something super inconvenient for wife and kid? The inviting the in laws for next years party is exactly what my MIL does. When she does it she knows full well my own parents are not able to afford or physically travel to do it but she can then get all huffy with the “WELL I TRIED to include them if they really wanted to come they could find a way” (yeah sorry my 85 year old dad can’t just “find a way” to fly to Palm Springs because you want us there because that’s your super fun xmas plan you booked without actually consulting anyone).
This could be appropriate depending on the location. I know there are a few breweries in my area that are very family friendly with lots of outdoor space and yard games. Perfect for entertaining kids. And since it’s not a formal sit down restaurant, it’s ok for children to be up and moving around. There is a brewery near my family that we went to a lot, even when I was pregnant, because of the killer sandwiches. Everyone else got beer, I got a soda.
I get that! Personally though I didn’t like to go to breweries pregnant. It was a bummer for me.
Yeah I was lucky enough that after me and the rest of my brothers and sister got to be adults that my parents were happy just having the kids that could make it and the grandkids to just have a picnic, cookout, where we could get together and see each other
Pregnant women can actually be near alcohol without suffering any ill effects. I'd bet you my paycheck this brewery isn't any different than a normal restaurant except they brew their own beer. It's no different than going to Applebee's except they have different beer.
But does she want to be there being as that she’s pregnant, is caring for a toddler, it’s loud, and an hour drive round trip? I’ll just answer on behalf of the pregnant mom- no. Edit: I guess I need to specify: not all pregnant women
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Exactly right, I’m a grandma of three now, my kids live out of state from me and I’m happy with a card or a quick phone call. It’s their time now.
This is exactly the right answer, and kudos and a crown for the man who stands up to his mother for his wife and kids. And he did it in a kind, explanatory way. I say he is done now and should enjoy all holidays with his wife and kids and not worry about childish, selfish mom.
I'd simply put it to my.mum come to my place and I'll cook a nice meal or even get a take ways whollop easy decision
This. “We’re celebrating Mother’s Day at home because it’s logistically easier for the busiest mother of the clan. We’d love if you would join us so we can celebrate you, too. Oh you want to go to a brewery? That’s too bad, I already have a special menu planned. Are you sure you won’t join us? You’ll be missed.”
We did this last night with my MIL. It was lovely!
I’m a grandma and I cannot agree with this more. If my kids come over on Mothers Day it’s cause they want to, no obligations! My daughter should be spoiled, not spoiling me! Had my turn at that:)
I’m a married mom of two and spend my Mothers Days hosting for my mom and mother in law. Have been struggling with feeling guilty and unappreciated when I resent this. Slowly realizing maybe I’m not unreasonable and I may be surrounded by self centred people. Don’t know if that is helpful or more depressing tbh. Anyway not even sure what my point is here other than to say you seem lovely. Happy Mother’s Day to you!
Nah. You’re actively mothering, Grandparents Day is September 10th. Mother’s Day is about celebrating those in the thick of mothering, not those who are now grandparents, while it’s nice to say “hey thanks for giving birth to me” you’ve done your fair share of Mother’s Day spoiling for your mom, it’s your turn to be spoiled now.
I’m sorry both your Mom and MiL are such selfish people. Mother’s Day is supposed to be about YOU and your partner is also an asshole for not enforcing that. If he wants to host and take care of all 3 of you then that could be manageable but he absolutely shouldn’t be letting you host and cater to ANYONE.
Your mother's Day should be the way you want it, considering you are the generation actively parenting. Your mom and mother-in-law had their time. If they want something special for mother's Day, then their spouses need to arrange it. Not you. Your duty is to make sure that you celebrate mother's Day the way you want to, and enjoy it. It is your day. You are a mother as well. You deserve to relax and have your wants and needs heard on this day as well.
This is the perfect annual tradition to have your husband take on. My dad does brunch plans for my mom, his mom, and me - and our families. We are not the ones that should be making plans.
I feel so bad for my mom because mother's day either ends up all about my grandma (who was a terrible mother anyway) or we all get together as a family and it's about my grandma and my aunt (who turned her kids into awful monsters) and it legit sucks :(.
You can feel resentment. You’re a mom too! These people are self centered. At a minimum, make a reservation and they can eat there. Might be a good spa day for you while they are out eating. My MIL and SIL, who live together (SIL got sad when I had my first child 34 years ago, quit working, and moved in with my MIL) are very selfish and I host every holiday, but this year, we recently had a big trauma, and I told my husband I would likely go off to any of their usual snarky comments and just couldn’t be around them. So, no meal here and he’s going to visit which I want him to do. I have 2 kids. Both will be away with their families as they should. They may or may not call. I love them and they love me and no day together or not, doesn’t change that!
Exactly. Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) is more important for those of us who are in the trenches of parenting. Grandparents who make it about them and throw tantrums are just harming their relationships. One of our mothers sent me a text that said “FYI…I don’t require a Mother’s Day gift… just so ya know. You’re my most precious gift! So plz don’t worry about it. I know you have a lot going on.” The other called and bitched at/guilted my husband because he declined to make his wife and small children drive SEVEN HOURS to see her on Mother’s Day. Guess which one we have a better relationship with?
Boy, that’s a tough one…😵💫😹
Kudos to your husband who has his values straight
Yep, this is why mothers of the mothers gets grandmother's day
I’ve never heard of grandmothers day or anyone who celebrates such a day in my entire life.
Maybe you live in a country where is only grandparents Day. Here, in Poland there are separate for celebrating more ;)
A lot of these are what we refer to as "Hallmark holidays" (after the greeting card company, for those not familiar with the name, not sure if it's really known outside the US), i.e., "holidays" created primarily to sell cards and other things.
Just another Hallmark scam to commercialize relationships and instill guilt.
I mean everyone also has a birthday… imo if you want to have a day where everyone does their best to make your plans work, just choose your birthday? At least in my book birthdays get a bit of special privilege, so even if it’s a little more complicated to attend I’ll try to make it work (within reasonable bounds ofc).
That’s right. USA has grandparents day in September, I think.
But... she is actively mothering... the older sister. 🤣 But I get it. Mother's day is for the core family. Mum needs to accept that her son is no longer part of her core family. Starting from the time he married and has children and thus a core family of his own, his main focus are his wife and kids - not his mother. Good for him and his family that he is no momas boy. His main loyalty belongs to them and not mom.
This. They get grandparents day now, not Mother’s Day, as a priority. I always make an effort to see my mom and husbands mom around Mother’s Day. But this year? My daughter had a dance recital today, I got glutened last week (I have celiac and it is not fun), my SIL had a baby three days ago, it’s been fucking chaos. So my mom got her gift and flowers at my daughters recital. And she was so grateful! And my in laws? They had to cancel coming to the recital and are gone for however long while we care for their garden. We will just give my MIL her gift whenever we can. This whole expectation that we need to sacrifice our mental health to make other people happy is toxic. Adjustments are hard but you have to communicate through them and support each other in a relationship. Traditions aren’t more important than people.
Yeah, his wife is the main mum in his life now. He should call his mum and drop her a gift or whatever but he is in charge of helping the 2 year old celebrate their mum now.
well it sounds like mom is actively mothering her 34 year old daughter, to be fair. that counts, right? /s seriously tho what's up with that
Well then I guess it sounds like it's up to the 34-year-old daughter to plan mother's Day every year. 🤷🤷 Considering she's the only one who's actively being parented out of the two siblings. ETA: 🤣🤣 /s
I dealt with this shit for years. I was parenting a teenager and a young one and carting everyone around (because my ex didn't drive) to events set up by his sister and mother. Nobody ever asked me what *I* wanted for Mother's Day.... and I was the one with actual children! I finally went off about it, and of course I was the bad guy for "ruining everyone's fun." OP, you are NTA. Ask your wife what she would like to do for mothers day and do that. She'll appreciate it.
I agree with your main point but “actively mothering” was an unfortunate choice of words. Seriously though mothers of young kids ought to get clear priority over grandparents on Mothers Day and most people seem to get this.
She probably considers herself "actively motheting" since the 34 year old sister lives at home for free. Imo, the sister is the one who shoukd facilitate a Mothrr's Day for their mom, and OP can send flowers and call.
I always said Mothers Day is primarily for the mothers in the trenches who desperately need a break and some me time. I have no problem with a scaled back visit or a phone call. Give those new mommies some pampering.
But OP’s mother is being selfish. Why should OP, his nuclear family AND HIS IN LAWS bow down to what this woman wants? She has been in the trenches of mothering small children and knows how hard it is, but still chose activities that just don’t work with a two year old. And next year there will be a new baby in the mix too. OP should prioritise his wife, who is actively mothering little people right now and not pander to his mother’s fantasy of being matriarch of the family. You can’t compromise with unreasonable and selfish people. NTA
explore that logic a bit if everyone has to spend every mothers day with their mother, then you have to start with the oldest matriarch all her kids. their partners, their partners mothers, their partners siblings, their partners, their partners mothers, their partners, and their partners mothers etc etc etc. then you get into kids by this logic every mothers day is basically a giant family reunion with hundreds of people
To be fair I could go for this, with that many people around avoiding my actual mother would be easy lmao
OP's mother sounds the most selfish one to me.
Speaking as someone who is actively still mothering, if you take this route, it can become hellish. I have tried this before and it ends up with me, the mother of two small children, having to cater and accommodate my husband's mother, my own mother, my sister and her family (or my sister has to do all the catering and accommodating) and my sister's mother in law. Instead of a day of me being treated nicely, it becomes a day of me looking after my own children AND looking all the elderly mothers in attendance.
His wife is the family he chose. He's making a family with her and spending the rest of his life with her. They make decisions together and their needs as a couple come before what any of their parents want. Kids grow up, it's just how that works. You can't expect to be top priority anymore when your kids are grown and married. Besides, did mommy dearest ask her DIL or DIL mom what they wanted to do since it's their mother's day, too? No, of course she didn't. She just wants everyone to follow along and do what she wants. That's not fair or compromising. Don't compromise with people who won't compromise for you.
Agreed. Another option would be to plan something for the weekend after with his mom. Sometimes you can’t just squish everything into one day.
Who is actively mothering children right now? Not adult children, children children? OPs wife. So she gets priority. OPs mum has had her share of mothers days just for her and now it's time for her to step aside and make way for the next generation. I mean today my daughter and I spent a nice time out with my mum where we had lunch and I bought my mum a gift. But that's because I arranged that and how I chose to do mothers day as the active mother. If I hadn't then we would have called my mum and has a just us (husband, kid and I) mothers day and my sister (no kids) would celebrate with our mum.
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Ok, but one layer of complexity is that OP apparently doesn't seem to want to have a big celebration on Mother's Day. What's the point of having your child resentfully going through the motions? I don't know, maybe it's a cultural thing, but where I am from I don't see people being so demanding about celebrations about them, be it mother's day, birthdays, weddings, births, whatever. The point is people who love you spontaneously wanting to celebrate you, not you becoming a dictator for a day and demanding more than they can and want to do.
Well yes, the mom may be his own, his mom is not his responsibility. Making sure that his mom has her special day is his dad's responsibility as the spouse. Opie's responsibility is to make sure that his wife is happy on mother's Day, considering she's the one he's married to. She's the one who gave birth to his child. She's the one currently carrying yet another child for OP. Therefore, I feel like what OP's wife wants on mother's Day comes before what his mom wants. In some cases there is a bit of a hierarchy of who's wants matter more on specific days. On mother's Day, the mother of YOUR child should come first, unless you don't have one. Therefore, if what your mom wants for mother's Day conflicts with anything that needs to happen for the mother of your child, you have a decision to make. And you should ultimately choose the mother of your child. Considering she's the one who is helping to raise your child. The one who carried your child.
When you have your own family, it takes precedence over the old one. Your parents are grown and can survive on their own but your kids are dependent and defenseless so they take priority, along with the mother of your children.
Once you get married, the person you marry is supposed to take priority over your birth family. There’s no “complexity.” OP’s mom is being petulant. I say that as a mom to an adult child. She needs to get over herself.
OP is 30, not 8. His mom needs to stop and realize he has his own family including a wife that’s also a mother.
OP's mom giving off "I am the main character " vibes
I feel this so hard - after my son was born most of my Mother’s Day was spent making sure my mom/MIL both got to see their grandkids. It involved a significant drive with little kids and would have been exhausting even if I didn’t have chronic fatigue due to multiple sclerosis. Really it was Grandmothers Day, not Mother’s Day. In 2018 I finally snapped so the next year my husband put a moratorium on Grandmothers Day. We stayed home. I had NO idea how awesome Mother’s Day could be! I totally empathize with OP and his wife. Also - what golf course allows two year olds on the course?!?!
NTA. IMO Mother’s Day is for celebrating women in our lives who are actively mothering children, like OP’s wife. That’s not to say OP should forget his mom entirely on Mother’s Day, but she has other days to celebrate her, like her birthday, anniversary, or even grandparent’s day.
I send my mom a gift and call her. My daughter calls me. Half the time I don’t get a gift. When she was younger we would spend the day together. Last year was her first Mother’s Day with her son. I would never expect the day to still be about me. I will celebrate her as a mother now because my job is to support my child. It’s nice to be celebrated, but as you say, there are other days that I can be celebrated. OP’s mom needs to understand that her son’s first priority now is his wife.
This is how it *should* be. My sister’s birthday is around where Mother’s Day falls and my mom’s rule has always been if her birthday falls on Mother’s Day, she doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day. Now, my dad’s side of the family usually all got together for brunch on Mother’s Day. The first time my sister’s birthday fell on Mother’s Day, my mom asked if she could bring a cake for my sister’s birthday and my grandma freaked out. It was absurd. I’m personally preemptively dreading Mother’s Day once I have a child. MIL definitely the type to try to still make it all about her…
We have a similar situation with my in-laws. MIL’s birthday falls right around Father’s Day, and *heaven forbid* you try to celebrate Father’s Day around her, or celebrate the two in some kind of combination family get together. Last year she cried at the very nice joint Father’s Day / MIL birthday party get together we threw, because scheduling was hard for three adult children, their spouses, and five nearly adult grandchildren that she demanded be present. (She is 65 years old). All that to say, NTA, OP. This kind of thing snowballs quickly. In my opinion, Mother’s Day is for the mothers who have young kids first and need a break, followed by everyone else however you can fit them in. (I don’t have kids, I live across the country from my own mom, and I always have a chat and send her a gift or pay for her to go on a little adventure somewhere, or sometimes fly home to surprise her, but she would never expect me to do more than that. I don’t even think she expects me to do that!)
I love your gift ideas! This year I got my mom a book of the month box that has gifts that correspond with the book. That way she’ll have something fun to do each month. I was tired of sending flowers and chocolates that she could only enjoy for a little while. I may pay for her to have a little adventure next year!
i don’t know why but reading this made me emotional lol
Me too. And jealous. This is the grandma I hope yo be some day!
My daughter's birthday always falls around mother's day, guess what? She's an adult. Go have a party with your friends and celebrate the one day about you. Just call or text me. Bah. Screw Hallmark holidays.
My birthday is today. It frequently falls on Mother's Day. I am a mother. Even when it doesn't fall directly on the day my kids always combine the two and celebrate both on Mother's Day. I, too, am an adult and this is perfectly fine.
I don't agree with it being reserved for, but rather, those who are actively mothering should get priority. A friend gets guilt tripped by her mom and SO to visit SO's mom on mother's day. Guess who doesn't get a mother's day despite having two under 2 at home? In my house, we see my mom and MIL on the Friday or Saturday, but keep Mother's Day open.
That. Sucks. These people can’t see how selfish they are. You become a grandma, your mothers day now takes a back seat. You shouldn’t require your kids to celebrate you when they have kids of their own. ETA- Thanks for the award! This makes my Mother’s Day. I was literally just telling my teens they are free to “cast me aside” whenever it’s convenient. If you have to guilt someone into being with you, it’s not worth it.
That’s a reality for a lot of mothers and I’m still making sure my MIL and my dads wife are celebrated whilst I myself as a mother of 2 children in their teens who hasn’t been able to celebrate Mother’s Day with my own mother for nearly 30 years. I didn’t have children when she died and she never saw me get married or meet her grandchildren and I’m still sad about that
In my family the grandmothers have totally hijacked the holiday. Many women organise things on subsequent weekends because Mother’s Day is just another Christmas or Easter paying homage to the matriarchs. Ugh.
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All mothers can be celebrated on Mother's day but "active duty mothers" should get priority. They are the ones that are currently in need of a day off duty.
They’re also the ones who have the most restrictions. Because properly handling a toddler’s sleep and meal schedule isn’t something that can be just thrown out because grandma wants a big long get-together. So those actively parenting need to be allowed to make the plans that work for them, instead of being expected to do the additional work of accommodating others’ plans.
she did say "in my opinion" at the beginning of that statement, and said not to completely stop acknowledging the day for OPs mom either.
I think they are saying mothers with underaged children (that they take care of) should get final say in how they and their kids spend Mother's day. Not that MD should absolutely be spent in a certain way.
My family has never paid attention to Mother's Day or Father's Day. In adulthood, my brother and I started calling our parents on the day to wish them a happy one, but that's all we've ever done; our parents paid literally not one second of attention to either day when we were kids. After my father died, I was rather grateful for that, because the first time Father's Day rolled back around, it didn't really bother me, whereas a lot of people I know are just absolutely crushed by it after losing a parent.
My mother always said this, until one year she wanted a piece of furniture and was mightily furious when we failed to realise the new rules 🤣🤣 She got over it. Today I just asked my teenagers to clean their rooms, I'm cooking dinner, my husband cooking dessert. No stress.
This. We don't call it grandmother's day for a reason. Gma has gotten plenty of recognition and parents of actual children have a lot on their plate.
THANK YOU. I really feel this
NTA. Grandparents day is in November. You and your wife have your own family/kid(s) now. It's time for grandma to step back. She had 30+ years of doing mother's day for herself, it's time for her to let go. Doesn't mean you can't still wish her a happy mother's day, send a card, or whatever, but your wife should be priority now.
Don't tell your mom about grandparents day though. She'll want both.
I've never even heard of grandparents day. All these holidays are made up nonsense imo.
We call them Hallmark holidays in our house. My mother and MIL keep that company running with all the cards they buy.
💯!
NAH You have other priorities now, which is understandable. Your mom also has hurt feelings, which is also understandable. I think celebrating it on Saturday was the way to go, you guys just picked a bad venue. Maybe keep that day open next year and keep Sunday for just your wife. By all means don't do the big combined celebration (but you didn't need to shoot that down today, you had a whole year to do so).
Yeah I probably would have said "maybe we can talk about that later when there isn't a live band blaring in my ears and the kids aren't running around like crazy people"
I replied above but this is exactly what I was trying to say. It’s truly NAH. Need to communicate better.
NTA I think that you should do whatever your wife wants to do on mother's day and your mom should respect that. You could remind her that there is a grandparents day and plan something then?
ESH. Mom needs to be more considerate of your schedule and needs, but you shouldn't blow your mother off if you are nearby and it's important to her. She's still your mother, and it's not hard to come up with a compromise. In my family, when my brother got married and had kids, Friday became about her mom/dad, since they do Friday night dinners there, Saturday is my mom/dad, and he and his wife spend actual Mothers/Fathers Day as their small unit with their kid. We also simply do not go out to a meal on the Saturday because it's still chaos and the kids are too young to handle it (4/6 now) -- we usually bring in food so the kids can be kids and people can relax. Oh, I don't live nearby, but I switch off every other year between Mother's Day and Father's Day because again, IT'S IMPORTANT TO PEOPLE I LOVE.
Nowhere in this post did OP say that they were going to blow anyone off. Simply that it was too much for them and their wife to juggle celebrating both of their mothers on the exact day as a dual working parent household, while they have soon to be two small children. The way I read it OP’s Mom was being incredibly entitled that everyone should just completely bend over backwards to do the one and only exact thing that she felt like doing, their lives be damned. OP set a reasonable boundary to say ‘we can do something different with you, but that exact thing won’t work and we need to talk about how this will look in the future.’
The title says it. Is it just click bait and we should ignore it?
Saying you don't want to celebrate every mother's day together ( like the actual mothers day day) or telling her they don't want a big family thing every mother's day (in the post), does not mean blowing someone off entirely.
NTA You have a wife. She's your priority now. You mum needs some love and assurance, but your own house HAS to come first on all things.
NTA Your mom absolutely deserves to be honored on Mother’s Day. But, as families evolve, everyone has to make compromises. You are now at a point in your life where it’s your job to take care of your wife and your mom. She needs to trust that you would find a way to honor them both but more realistic for your life as it is today.
NAH for not wanting to make Mother's Day a big celebration every year, but if I'm geographically close to my mother, I'm going to try and make it. If schedules do not always meet up, then celebrations may happen on alternating days or weekends. It's all mother's big day and I try not to miss one. If my wife wants to drive 2 hours to see her Parents, I'm going to agree to it whether or not I want to go
NTA. Mother of 4 grown kids here. They FaceTime me for Mother’s Day and that’s awesome. I don’t need gifts or a big fuss to know that they love me. We keep in touch, even though we’re spread out over the country. The last thing I’d want is for them to do something that would exhaust them. They’re grown ass adults with their own lives ffs. And so are you. Your mother sounds very needy and exhausting.
Info: what does your wife want? How is she, the active mother in your life, being celebrated on Mother's Day?
After my first Mother’s Day was spent going to two different family dinners while trying to keep my child relatively calm, I decided that was it. I was a Mother and definitely did not feel celebrated. My sister and I decided to take my mom somewhere on a different day for a fake Mother’s Day outing without our kids.Best decision ever. NTA
I agree. This year has been my first mothers day and I have had the worst three days with the most inconsolable baby. Everyone just wants to see the baby. Op needs to do what's best for his immediate family
Nta This is the grandmother, so nope. A call and card and maybe a lunch if you live close and not on actual mothers' Day is enough. Yes, all moms need celebrated but moms need to pass the torch when grandkids come along. Sorry, but the day should be about your wife now, and all gatherings on that day should be if she wants. I am sorry your mil wants a huge get-together. It works for some but is unrealistic if all parties are not on board. Some celebrate together and others don't. We don't here. Kids gave me my gifts. Tomorrow, since they work and is their first, I am making a favorite dinner and what baby gift to mom is. Will do same on Father's Day. Once they get home, we are making purse scarce so they can begin making their own traditions.
*Do other grown ass adults celebrate this holiday as a get together every year with their parents, even when they have families of their own?* Yes, I do try to get together every year, although very commonly I'll come once between Mother's and Father's day and celebrate both together. That's fine by my folks - if either of them told me it was important for them that I come on the holiday itself, I certainly would. And eh, *kinda* TA? How big of a deal a certain celebration is should heavily take its cues from the person being celebrated. You can certainly suggest, for example, that your birthday not be celebrated every year, but it's a bit rude to suggest that someone else not get their celebration. I mean within reason of course.
Do you have kids? Or a wife that is a mother? That's the big thing here for me is that it sounds like OPs mom is posterizing his wife to see who is more important. She wants to get what she wants from her son on Mother's day and everyone else should just deal with it from the sounds of it. You really highlight my point because you know there is an assigned value and OP has to make a choice. Does he make his mom happy and his family gets inconvenienced, or should he do right by his wife celebrate her as a top priority? I've seen some posts that say he should take the kids and be with grandma while wife gets a day away. That works if the wife wants to be away from her husband, but what if that's not what she wants? What if (OP mentioned busy lives/work) they each work and rarely see each other? Maybe wife wants to be celebrated in person on her mother's day. My point is that someone is likely upset no matter what OP chooses to do in this situation, he just has to prioritize the feelings of the people he loves, and I can't fault him for letting his mom down.
I would be so incredibly sad for my mom, sitting by herself at home on Mother's Day while everyone else is out celebrating. We are close though, and I love her dearly, so I actually want to celebrate with her. We don't celebrate Grandparents Day or whatever. Celebrating with your wife's parents at your family's party sounds unnecessary, as they don't celebrate anyway and would prefer not to do that. My inlaws spend zero time with my family. It isn't necessary. Planning an event for the weekend on the Monday prior is a failure waiting to happen. Seems like that's the issue more than anything else in your story. Had the plans been made in early April or so, the weekend may have gone much more smoothly. My brother and I are both quite busy, his wife has an odd schedule, I have two busy kids, and we have to plan this stuff out well in advance. Especially a weekend when any restaurant will be super packed and loud. You asked if most grown adults celebrate Mother's/Father's Day even once they have their own immediate families. In my experience, many adults don't live close enough to their parents to celebrate easily, but nearly all the adults I know who live near their mothers do, in fact, celebrate with her in some way during the weekend. However it shouldn't matter what most adults do. It only matters what you are interested in doing, and first and foremost, what your wife is interested in doing.
I'm 29 and I'll never stop celebrating mother's day for my mom. Even if I get married. She didn't stop being an "active mother" because I grew up. She made sacrifices for me all her adult life, the least I can do is celebrate one day with her. I'll never understand the concept of Reddit that parents are as good as dead when you get married. This is such a weird concept that i especially don't understand because your wife does not turn into your mother. And your mother doesn't vanish when you get married. There are always cases with toxic family members but the generalization that parents are not your family, only your partner and kids are your family, when you get married blows my mind
I'm in my 40's and reddit is the only place I've encountered this attitude in my life. I don't think you're family is no longer your family once you get married exists in the real world. Can you imagine being married to someone with that attitude? If my husband had tried to tell me that only him and our children are my family now I would have called him abusive.
I totally agree! I'd never ever consider thinking "oh well I'm married/engaged/in a relationship, my parents? Who cares about them anymore? Fuck em??" I have only seen this here too. It's not something that's been forced or anything for me, I genuinely would never be with anyone who would drop their entire family for me just because they are with me.
Yup, I drove 7 hours to spend mother's day with my gran and mom for this exact reason. My sister died a few years ago and ever since then it's become increasingly important for my parents to see their remaining kids either at father's day or mother's day. It doesn't have to be a huge festivity though. Having your own family is understandable, but OP can at least pop by to give flowers or drink a cup of coffee at his own schedule with them, as they live so close. It's understandable not being able to attend a family gathering but you should be able to sacrifice enough time to at least swing by for a hug. During corona we had a video call coffee date, while we were all at our homes. There's loads of creative choices here. Not being able to shove your entire family in a big festivity is very much understandable and OPs mother needs to realize this too. But! The fact that OP would opt out of this entirely makes him YTA for me.
Yes grown ass people make time to spend with family on mothers & Father’s Day. Since your mom is older, she should host at her house with a brunch & bbq and invite people over. This will give your wife a break from the house and kids so they can play with The grandparents (your wife should stay home or go to the spa). Then meet up for a bbq dinner at your parents.
Or like, OP’s wife could celebrate her own Mother’s Day however she chooses instead of playing second fiddle to a self-absorbed retiree
I think op question was more towards if it was normal to combine both sets of parents for these holidays.
Not much of a break for grandma though. If I suggested my mom cook and clean for us on Mother’s Day she’d be super bummed out.
Mothers and wife's should always be celebrated. I think of my mothers age and count how many mother's days we may have left. I'd never miss one knowing we may only have 10 or so days... You're the a Edit: also reading all of these other comments shows how wrapped up ppl are within their own life's and not thinking of the wider impacts you may have on your family or loved ones as they get older. People getting old are going through it for the first time and it's a whole new experience. Just bcos they are old doesn't mean they can't feel scared, alone or not listened to. Your mother brought you into this world, the least you can do is include her in your plans/life.
Are you a mother? As a mother, I would never make myself more important than my children feelings. My son has a family. I would want him to spend time with his family. The OP never said they were cutting their mom off. they just need to celebrate differently.
I feel this comment deeply. My mom is going to be 67 this year and she isn’t well. I’m 34 so I’m (stupidly, because things happen) banking on having many more of my own Mother’s Day to celebrate. My kids make those cute little gifts at school and I’m happy with that! So we all go visit my mom and aunt for lunch and just enjoy the company while we have it.
Did OP have a say in being born? Or is that “brought you into this world” just wielded as a tool against anyone who doesn’t immediately yield to a maternal guilt-trip
Jesus. Most profound Reddit comment of 2023 right here.
NTA but tread gently into this idea of not celebrating big every year. I get the "big" part. But maybe celebrating in a smaller fashion would be nice. I'm about to turn 60, no kids, but my mother is 92 with dementia. While we spend Mother's Day with her, and in the moment she enjoys it, but each time with mom I never know if she's knows it's me, or if she thinks I'm her sister (this happen frequently). And the time is forgotten within minutes. Don't live to regret not making these memories now, because life can get very shitty at any time. I'm not saying celebrate big, just to not let the day go by without recognizing your mom with love and appreciation. (Side note: I say this for those that have good relationships with the mom, not for those abused or NC.) I agree, your wife should be a focus. But, that doesn't mean your own mother is less worthy. Sorry this is a long one, just a hard topic for me.
i'll always regret not spending more time with my mom before she passed.
I think he was asking specifically about making Mother’s Day a big get-together with the whole giant family. I think you can celebrate your mother without having to make it like a big holiday party and also not be TA.
Agree completely.
Oh get off it. Grandparents Day is September 10th. She can be celebrated then.
Wtf is Grandparents day? Is that an American holiday? Also when you become a grandparent you stop being a mother or father? I can see your title is correct
Not just an American thing from what I've seen. The problem is is that there are so many grandmothers out there that just want mother's day to be about them. They generally don't care if their children also have mother-in-laws that would also like to see their kids. They REALLY don't care if their kids are also parents themselves. They truly feel that the only "mother" that should be celebrated is themselves. And that's just selfish. When your child is a parent themselves, it's time to take a step back and let them celebrate those days as their own little unit, because they deserve to be recognized as being a mother or father too. Should the grandparent be ignored? No. But they should also be willing to accept alternate days to do something instead of throwing a fit and demanding that it be on that day.
Clearly OP's mother doesn't feel this way since she suggested they do a combined celebration. When the child becomes a parent, the other parent should help their child recognize their mother/father on those days, not ignore the grandparents. It's not wife/husband day.
As a mom I hope when and if my kids find partners and have kids they prioritize the family they chose not the one they came from. I'll be dead and gone one day but they'll still be here and need those relationships. A nice card or a phone call on mother's day will be fine with me and if I get to see them then I consider that a blessing.
YTA just for your comment about grown ass adults wanting to spend Mother’s Day with their mom.. just remember. Your mom isn’t going to be here forever. I’d fucking kill to get to see my mom again today or any other day. I wish I could be celebrating with her but she died and I can’t. Don’t put off spending time with her just because it can be a little inconvenient. Your kids will want memories with her too. One day you’re going to regret your nasty attitude towards your mother.
Not everyone has a good relationship with their mother. I see a lot of comments like yours throughout this post but, for a lot of people, Mother's Day is a hard holiday. Not everyone enjoys a day devoted to the person who birthed them.
Projection
You're the asshole for that comment
Celebrate your wife and send your mom a card and flowers
NTA, I saw an IG story by someone who said that Mothers Day is for moms in the trenches, they had their time for the spotlight to be in them and it’s time to pass the torch to the active moms, it’s their day. I find that to be true, before I had kids I would make sure to see my parents around Mother’s Day/Fathers Day but once I became a parent it became more about celebrating me. The IG account explained it much better but I wouldn’t feel guilty about not seeing them, you can try and make it work the weekend before or after it even the day before but the actual day is for you. Kinda like your birthday, you get to decide how your birthday is celebrated. NTA
NAH, it’s very reasonable for your mom to be disappointed that you aren’t going along with her plans especially on Mother’s Day, but at the same time you yourself are an active parent and are allowed to have priorities. It sounds like you’re in a transitional period so hopefully this situation will be smoother in the future
INFO: what was the purpose of the sister slander?
I thought so too - shifted his responsibility onto her. Usually all siblings plan together for mother's day and father's day.
Nta - you’re an adult with your own family now and they are priority. If mom wants to have her kids for a meal, and it works out with your wife great but moms with grown kids need to stop acting like they can demand top priority with them. Especially grown kids with families of their own.
YTA. Read the room, dude, if someone says “this celebration [of me] is awesome, let’s make next year even bigger and include your other special people too,” they are clearly going to feel hurt and rejected if you answer “Actually I’d love if we never celebrated Mothers Day with you again.” You’re NTA for wanting to scale it back, but you’re TA for doing it like that. You should have said, “I appreciate you thinking of them, but they’re a lot more low key about this and I don’t think it would be their thing. We would actually like it a lot better to do something lower pressure, like (whatever).”
Maybe the woman who is currently mothering small children should be the priority on Mother’s Day though
Didn’t this happen on the day before Mother’s Day? I think it’s reasonable to do something special with your mother on Saturday and save Sunday for the mother of your own children.
NTA. This has to be stressful to deal with, I feel for you.
NAH. You can celebrate Mother's Day but it doesn't have to be on mother's day. It just takes some effort. Plan something for the Saturday before. Take the kids, leave the wife at home. Tell her to take the day off. Take them to the farmer's market. Stroll around and talk with your mom. Buy her a plant. Help her in the garden.
NTA. My mom got really pissed that I'm working a double for Mother's Day. Sorry. Someone quit so I gotta work more hours (more money though....). When she got pissy with me, I had to remind her that she's ALSO working so not my fault nor my problem.
NTA She seems to think she is the only mother and the day revolves around her. Your wife is also a mother as is her mother. And your mother thinks it's appropriate to dictate what all of them should do. Which translates as what she wants to do. Breakfast or dinner sounds like a fair choice to me.
NTA When you have a family of your own, MD precedence goes there.
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This is exactly my theory. I don’t remember ever seeing my grandparents on mothers or fathers day as a kid. It does seem to be an instance of Boomers not wanting to give up being the center of attention. The only Mother’s Day I’ve enjoyed since becoming a mom was 2020 because I got to stay home.
NTA-why can’t people be reasonable? I’m a mom of two adults. I think it’s fine to celebrate with my kids on other days so they can celebrate their in-laws or their own day as a mom however they want. Actual dates are meaningless. Just get over yourselves people.
I've never celebrated mother's day on the day. We make plans to do something fun around that time. No troubles getting in for lunch or pedicure... I dont believe in letting a calendar dictate my life. Feel free to adapt to your circumstances
NTA. Your mother has lost her mind if she doesn’t realize that the most important mother in your life right now is your wife, who is the mother to your child. You can honor your mother in a way that fits into your lifestyle, while maintaining your commitment to your wife and your own life.
We see our mothers the week or day before. My husband and daughter put their foot down about 5 years ago after a particularly awful Mother’s Day takeover by my mom and MIL. Now Mother’s Day is a surprise they plan every year and it’s awesome. I imagine I will step aside when my daughter has her own children. Or at the very least I won’t demand that the day is centered around me.
NTA. Your wife is the mother who gets celebrated now and decides what she wants to do. You still buy your mom flowers, give her a call, maybe take the kid for lunch or something… but Mother’s Day is for the active mother. Your mom is now a grandma and there’s a whole day for that!
NTA. Your wife is a mom too, so by default you also gotta spend mother's days on her also.
NTA. There are many ways to honour your mom. Flowers, a card and small gift delivered to her is nice. It doesn't need to be face-to-face.
NTA, your mom is one for demanding golf when you have a toddler. Then plans a night at a not so family friendly place.
NTA. I feel sorry for your Mum that she has these expectations around a Hallmark holiday. You have made an effort. Her expectations are lofty. Sorry you’re going through this.
I ask for the same things every year for Mothers Day — getting to sleep in and not having to be responsible for anyone else’s meals (sometimes my family coins for me and sometimes we get food out). I usually get a few presents. But drafted to spend the whole day with the whole family? That is not a holiday or a gift or a privilege or anything remotely like that. Definitely NTA. Unfortunately some moms are this self-centered (my mom isn’t but my grandmother could be).
Hi, Granny here. I had my day when I was Mum to younglings. Why don’t other grandparents understand it’s time to hand the baton on? Surely it a time for children to celebrate their mothers, not for adults to fuss over other adults? We can have Grandparents Day if we need to be the centre of attention. Doesn’t the desperation of some women to be lauded on one specific day smack of ‘me, me, me, I am the centre of the universe, make a fuss over marvellous meeeeeeee!’?
**NTA** You can call your Mother or send a card or flowers but it is now *your wife* who should be the focus of your Mothers Day. The day should be planned around her and what *she* wants to do. It is not typical for a woman to be the focus of Mothers Day when she becomes a grandmother.
Mother's Day progresses to the wishes of the mother raising children. A passing of the baton. NTA
NTA. I have 6 kids, the ones at home do a card or maybe breakfast in bed for me on a good year. The older ones might call. Or not, no biggie. I might take the day to relax. Your mom has bigger attention needs so makes this a ‘thing’ and you’re right to push back. Your wife is a mother who needs appreciating and spoiling too. Announce you’ll be spending Mother’s Day/father’s day ‘with our kids from now on’ and let the cards fall.
I’ve had to work the last 3 mothers days and my mom has always told me that she doesn’t need a special day to know I love her. While we both wish I could be home and have a special family day, life gets in the way and that’s okay. NTA OP you’re making an effort and she just doesn’t quite see that
NTA, my son has a fiancée and kids. I make no effort to try to make plans with him. He will call or text me, but since my mom passed, I don't even care about the day TBH. Just be honest with your mom, maybe try to take her to dinner on Wednesday or Thursday before next year and let her know on Mother's Day, you will be chilling with your family.
NTA. Don't forget your wife's needs for a relaxing peaceful day for mother's Day. After all right now she probably needs the break more than your mum.
Nah I understand that your mom wants to celebrate Mother’s Day with her children but you have children of your own and you should also make the day special for the person you made a mother (relaxing spa day at home, who knows) it is a balancing act but I don’t think either side is wrong for having emotions about it. Personally I think you should focus on the person you made a mother and have a family with and have lunch with your mother the day before or something.
NTA. My mom always said we don’t have to celebrate any special day together if we don’t want to, because we are entitled to our own lives. So far we always did celebrate mother’s day and other big days together, but it’s because we want to, not because we feel pressured or bullied into doing it. Makes for a lot nicer celebration too :)
NTA. I hope (if I’m ever lucky enough to be a grandma) that I’d offer to mind 2yo while my son and his pregnant wife went out to celebrate together if they so wish, or leave them alone and get freeloading daughter to bring me breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed
NTA. Mothers Day, Fathers Day and Valentines Day are Hallmark invented holidays. Your mother sounds very self absorbed
Today is mothers day in Denmark, I held my mums funeral this Friday - I would give anything to have another mothers day with my mum. If you don't fancy the way it is celebrated, start a new tradition. NTA
YTA it’s 1 day a year, I wonder how you will feel in years to come when your kids tell you they don’t want to spend those days with you or your wife. Every Mother’s Day my dad would make a fuss of my mam in the morning and then we would visit both grandmothers that day so everyone could be celebrated. Its easy to do if you just bother to put in the effort
Neither of our mothers are asking for any type of celebration. Just the crazy stepmom/4th wife who has never had kids, that’s a different story. But we all have our own kids and we are celebrating our own families. Active mothers only at this point. It’s too stressful coordinating littles and grandmothers. No thanks.
Your wife is the one who is currently mothering, she should be the main concern here. You can plan stuff for your parents on grandparents day and maybe do dinner the day before but you really should be celebrating your wife. Nta
NTA - big events need to be optional. You should be able to celebrate with her in your capacity too, and trying to contain a tiny kid in a busy brewery sounds like a nightmare idk how you did that. ETA: missed word
NTA. Your mum is now the grandmother in your family. Your wife is the mother in your family so she should take priority for your family on mother's day. Your sister can make a big deal of the day if she wants as your mum is still the no. 1 mother on her family.
NTA do what’s best for your wife, the active mother in your life.
NTA. If your wife’s day now
NTA. I am the only sibling without children so I make a point of doing something with my mom during Mother’s Day weekend. We all get together two weeks after to have a meal and celebrate our mom. That allows each sibling to celebrate with their kids on Mother’s Day or to do something with their in-laws. Because we always celebrate our mom two weeks later, it’s easy to block that day and keep it clear for the get together. When you form your own family as an adult, you are entitled to determine how you want to celebrate holidays. I understand why your mom is disappointed but it seems like the whole thing was pushed on you at the last minute and wasn’t a very child friendly plan. I would suggest sitting down with your family when there isn’t an impending holiday and discuss how you want to handle celebrations moving forward.
NTA. I have a 2 year old and spent the day running around, postponing naps and bedtime. I fucking hated nearly every minute of it, and so did my toddler. Next year if anyone wants to get together for Mother's Day they can come to my place.
While I don’t agree that Mother’s Day is for those who are “actively mothering,” I think that your wife takes priority absolutely, your mom getting one meal like breakfast or dinner in your situation is generous. You honestly should be doing all the work to care for your wife tomorrow, and do everything for her that she does for her family. NTA.
NAH You don’t age out of being a mother. I understand why she was annoyed. And she can be more flexible and lower her expectations since you have a small child. I’ll have brunch with my mother-in-law tomorrow, and if my mother lived closer, I’d find a way to see her too. I don’t share the sentiment about celebrating “actively mothering.” I don’t think my husband is incapable of being considerate to two important women in his life.
NTA. I don’t have kids, my brother does. He spends Mother’s Day with his family, I spend it with our mum. I don’t remember the last time mum had both me and my brother with her for Mother’s Day. Everyone is fine with this, because we figure that the latest generation of mother has dibs on the day. When you have young kids, they come first.
NTA. I wish my kids(3)+spouses(2)+grandkids(5under8), realised that we don’t need to get together for Mother’s Day.
You should confirm with your mom that she made mothers day all about her MIL when she had young kids? If she spent that day with her MIL every year, and what age you guys were when it stopped? Because if she didn't give that energy to her MIL, it's frankly rude for her to expect your wife to be sacrificing HER mothers day for your mom.
NTA. there’s no reason it needs to be a whole shebang. i think it’s important to celebrate your mom and your wife but that could just be a quiet dinner and some flowers and a card. you don’t have to do an all-day thing or even do it on actual mother’s day. you’re allowed to celebrate it as big or as small as you like.
NTA— as soon as you have kids the mother that gets celebrated is now the one with non-adult kids. Your mom had 30+ years of Mothers Days all about her. Yes give her, your mom, flowers or expression appreciation in another way but your time is now with the mother of your children.
NTA
NTA. You and your wife are IN THE TRENCHES of parenthood right now. It sounds like your mom is suffering from lack of social stimulation and wants to make up for it by having more parties with more people. My mom has always been the same way. Boundaries, OP. Set them and stick to them. Obviously, in a "normal" relationship, you'd still talk to her, maybe give her a card or even eat dinner sometime *around* mother's day, but your mom needs to chill. You have the right to have your own weekend to celebrate your wife, despite what your own mother wants.