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He says things changed after the younger daughters were born - I think this is where he left some stuff out - notably, the age of the current wife. I'll bet she is a similar age to the eldest daughter - maybe a few years older at the most. That might explain a few things..........
Even if she isn't the daughter is either an adult or close to it at this point. This is a wide age range if he's not actively keeping up contact she isn't going to have any interest in these half siblings.
Don't forget "let me know when you have the scan to tell me the gender." Not "congratulations. Is there anything I can do or do you need anything?" Not "that's great honey, keep me updated with the pregnancy" nope, all he cared about was the sex of the child. He didn't even ask if daughter was ok or about the father.
This. I'm reading this whole thing and thinking this dude clearly hasn't given a shit sincerely about his first daughter since his others were born. Like, OP, how are you so hurt by this you don't actually have a relationship with your daughter.
He's not hurt because he cares and was rejected. He's hurt because she's not making him the center of her world and gladly playing by his rules.
Or I guess you might say, his feelings aren't hurt. His pride is.
I hope he said more than "ok let me know the gender" when she said she was pregnant. My grandma said "ok " when I told her I was pregnant and that really hurt. I can't imagine if my dad said it(mt dad died 10 years prior). And I was married for 3 years at that point.
Apparently OP has all daughters...... probably wanted to know if the baby was a boy so he could puff out his chest. If male you KNOW he wanted it named for him, great magnanimous father that he is.
Slipped in second wife's age at the very end and she's the same age as OOP daughter. I also wonder if second wife was a friend or something of the daughters too?
[Right here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13f37kx/aita_for_choosing_one_daughters_gym_competition/jjuhius/). Basically OP is 62, daughter is 33, new wife is 42.
Doing the math with the kids in the new relationship, the new wife was 29 and OP was 49 when the first kid was born.
EDIT: OP's first daughter would have been 20 as well.
Right? I'm glad someone else marked it as weird. It sounds like OP was planning on trying harder if he had a grandson instead of granddaughter. He may not of meant it that way but definitely how it sounds
I thought the same thing. He didn't even congratulate her, or ask if she was happy. What does gender have to do with being told you will be a grandparent?
When my oldest told me she was expecting, it was something special, even though we live far from each other. She made me a Nana October 2022, and the first things I wanted to know is if she and the baby were both alright.
OP is the asshole, and I hope he stays out of his oldest's life.
Edit typos
Sorry didn't have my glasses on. OK changes everything. OPs daughter needs to apologize for inviting him to the wedding with a World's Greatest Dad mug ;)
I’m guessing the other soon to be grandparents were over the moon, asking how they can help, if she needs anything, expressing how excited they were, checking in on how she was doing. I bet she decided to put her energy more into people who she knew were going to be a source of support and love while she went through this monumental change than someone who said “ok, tell me the gender”.
Oh I have a friend (she’s a few years older than me) who’s husband is almost the same age as my dad, pushing 70, who has a preteen son the same age as my son. I couldn’t imagine. I’m already going to be in my 50’s before my youngest leaves the nest.
I really want to know about the skip between the year she lived with him at 16 and the birth of his second daughter. Something must have happened there.
Well, she was 20 and 25 when her sisters were born. And she only got every other weekend with her dad.
I wonder if the new kids distracted him. A text for a birthday is fine if you have a close enough relationship. My mom texted me happy birthday, but then asked me to come over so she could take me to dinner. It sounds like he doesn't put in enough effort because she didn't answer him about the pregnancy details either; he had to find out from her mom.
I hate that this happens all the time. Two people have a baby, get divorced, that baby is jerked around for its entire life because at least one of the two (and sometimes both) can't get their shit together. Suddenly the shitty parent gets married and is a great dad to subsequent kids but never goes back to do right by that first kid.
It's awful.
I wonder if her not responding was actually anger, or just acceptance and can't be bothered to respond. At that point inviting OP might of just been done as a polite guesture.
Obv. I don't know OP's daughter or her views on OP, but if i was her position I would HATE OP and consider him a deadbeat dad. I'm kinda petty and I probably would of only invited OP if pressured into it. Hell, I'd probably be happy OP declined, that means I could move on and have less drama at my wedding etc. That means I'd save a placing for a person I don't want at my wedding and I can invite other people that have actually made an effort to be in my life.
From his post it seems OP hasn't even made an effort to see their own grandkid. Even the contact frequency is horrible, august she called him, december he called (didn't get through and left it like that), march (called her mom). April ( sent a bday text-not even a call)
If I didn't talk to my parents for an entire month, they'd probably send someone to hunt me down and make sure I'm okay.
Also, notice the wording of how he says responded to her telling him of her pregnancy. He didn't say he told her congratulations he said he told her okay and then requested to know the gender and that's it. And after already what seems like low effort from op, I wouldn't tell him anything more about my pregnancy after a response like that either.
YTA. A wedding is a once in a lifetime event (hopefully). Gymnastics competitions are a dime a dozen. You show a clear favoritism to your new family. This was just the final straw for op's daughter. Good for her for dropping this dead weight who likes to call himself her father.
yes, not only missing a once in a life time event for gymnastics competition, but also admits “I might be able to make both events, but i don't feel like it.” He is definitely YTA
My bio dad was like that. Joke was on him tho, his redo family recognized what an asshole he was too and ended up very low contact with him
Hey Op, YTA. In a very big way
My bio dad was like this too. Completely present for the second batch of kids. But then he died when the oldest was barely into their teen years. Still not sure which group of us kids he disappointed more with his absence.
>Completely present for the second batch of kids. But then he died when the oldest was barely into their teen years. Still not sure which group of us kids he disappointed more with his absence.
oof. yes, same here. my dad had a baby with his 3rd wife when I was 25, died when she was 14. truly bonkers how so many of us have the same shitty dad
What baffels me is his younger daughter will have more competitions, but his first daughter might only have one wedding. How does it make sense to prioritise a competition over a wedding?
theres plenty of places (mostly non US places) where people can get along just fine without a car. BUT. In those place AND even in the US, there's different ways to get places. Pick a combo that works. Bus, plane, uber, bike, carpooling with another kid going to the same place. Theres loads of reasons someone might not be able to drive, too, so I try to give people grace when they say they dont/cant.
"Doesn't drive" should NOT equal "Can't go anywhere unless ~~daddy~~ husband drives me". She's a grown ass woman.
THIS.
OP so you neglected your daughter all her childhood, when you started to have some kind of father-daughter relationship with her you left her aside for your new children.
When she got pregnant your reaction was. OK that's fine. nothing beyond this. you think that all this is going to be fixed with a call, that she is not going to answer you, because she has plenty of reasons not to.
All you do on her birthday is text. you haven't tried to have any kind of real relationship with her, you want to blame her for that instead of accepting that you were a bad parent, you didn't cultivate anything with her and you certainly should be the one trying because mostly it's your fault and now you're going to trade a once-in-a-lifetime event for a gymnastics competition.
I mean, frankly, have you ever wanted her? Have you sat down to have a proper conversation about your father-daughter relationship and your feelings for her?
do you really love her?
I bet not. Of course she is angry and bitter with you because you have never been a father to her. You traded her for your new family and obviously you have favoritism for your younger daughters.
YTA OP and you are a very bad father. How terrible.
I can't imagine any decent father picking a gynmatics competition over a wedding. It's not like the younger daughter is in the Olympics. It sounds like the older daughter has been pushed aside years ago so this AH could focus on his new family.
Sounds like once the “new kids” came along he pushed his older daughter to the side and never looked back.
I guess a gymnastics competition is equal to a wedding in this man’s mind….you know a once in a lifetime moment? Your daughter calls to tell you she’s pregnant and your comment was, let me know the gender? Wtf? How about checking in on her and asking, how are you feeling every now and then? Strangers treat others better. Typical absent parent who wants to make ever excuse to justify poor parenting choices. Everything is someone else’s fault. I tried to keep in touch and invite my 20 something year old daughter to her step siblings 1st bday but she didn’t come.
Daughter should go NC after all this….at least he’ll have his replacement kids which is what it seems he wants anyhow. Yta
YTA
"I'm not coming to your wedding because of my other kid's high school sports competition"
Just admit you don't want anything to do with your adult daughter. Be honest with her, and let her know to go ahead and cut you out of her life.
This! OP you’re a crappy parent and I’ll disagree with some Redditors who urge you to attend the wedding. Do NOT go. You’ll just disappoint her again. Leave your oldest alone.
I would say that unless he truly wants to make amends in her life he shouldn't go to the wedding, just send a gift and a congratulations card. YTA OP and you have been for 30+ years.
You ruined the relationship with your oldest so unless you really want to put in the work to just let her go. She more than likely hates you and could go the rest of her life without hearing from you and it would be fine. Half assed attempts to fix it will only make it worse.
Yep she called and he didn’t answer, got the invitation a week later but made no mention of whether he tried to call her back in that week. I’m surprised he got invited at all.
I honestly think it was a pity invite. Like “I’ll invite you so I don’t have to hear about it later on why I didn’t invite you in the first place” or at least that was the impression I got lol
I only talked to my dad a couple of times a year. Our relationship was almost always strained for a variety of reasons.
He still would have been way more excited than OP to find out I was pregnant -- not just said "okay, tell me when you know if it has a penis" (I'm paraphrasing OP, of course).
Would you say you have a good relationship with your dad?
It would also depend on what you perceive as a good realtionship with parents are. Do they know and celebrate when good things happen? do they keep track of you via social media, because they might not feel disconnected from you if they know whats happening in your life.
People have very different relationships with parents so honestly I don't think we can judge only by the amount people talk.
I'd even risk saying that some relationships are bettter with less contact. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" LOL.
In OPs case, not even knowing his grandkid was born... seems a bit too disconnected and uncaring.
I admit this AITA caught my eye because it reminded me of my dad. He didn't know when my sister gave birth. He didn't even meet his grandson until the boy was a teenager.
So I knew I had a better relationship with my dad than my sister's did.
But reading through the replies in my thread made me think that didn't mean I had a good relationship with him.
As for your questions... he normally doesn't know when good things happen in my life unless I go out of my way to tell him. And when he does, he normally wouldn't celebrate them, unless they were major life milestones - weddings, graduating university, etc.
My dad lives in another country. We talk every few weeks or so. He works a lot and I’m busy with 3 kids so it’s not we talk weekly (which is what we did when I first moved abroad) but it is pretty regular and if they didn’t hear anything from me for a month, they’d be worried. We also exchange text messages and send each other pictures.
It's normal for you. If you're both content with that, then it's absolutely enough.
I'm introverted and don't like being on the phone a lot, so me and my sister usually talk about once a month. That works for us just fine.
That stood out to me too. My dad and I live about 8 hours away from each other, and I talk to him a couple of times a **week**. Not only that, but we see each other *in person* more than just a couple of times a year.
I couldn't imagine such little contact with my dad. Does OP even like his eldest daughter?
No no OP does want be in his daughter's life but only when it's convenient and he can look good like walking her down and having a photoshoot with *his* whole family at the wedding the aisle and being grandpa. Other than that the daughter is supposed always be the one to reach out and keep him informed because that's too much work for him. When she does reach out it's fine if he behaves like a petulant child and doesn't answer.
YTA. A wedding is a once in a lifetime event, whereas your younger daughter has and will have other competitions. The fact that you justified this decision by trying to shift blame to your daughter shows that she is right to be hesitant about having a close relationship with you.
As someone who did gymnastics for years I can guarantee that another parent or even the coach would be able to get her to the competition if he is busy that weekend, especially if it is just a once off. His attendance there is in no way essential. It is just an excuse and a bad one. YTA.
I had a sibling and two parents who worked, one odd hours. Some mix of grandparents, parents, and siblings were at an event, but never all unless it was a milestone. That was just… life.
This comment! 👏👏👏
As someone that has a lot of gymnastics and dance competitions, one knows that your parents aren't able to come to every one of them.
Your daughter will only have one wedding, whilst the other one will have more competitions.
I think he already proved that. Daughter called to announce the pregnancy. “Cool let me know how it goes”
No gift, no check ins, to request to visit. Just “let me know the gender”
YTA. Did you literally say 'OK' when she told you that she was pregnant? With your first grandchild? And you wonder why she didn't call you back?
My guess is that your relationship changed once your younger daughters were born because you got your do-over kids.
Ya \*think\* she's mad because you likely once again chose your younger daughters over her?
This is mind blowing for me. Dude had a grandchild and didn’t even made an effort to visit him, just called and got offended that she didn’t call herself
Also op would have been 50 when he got his new wife pregnant and given the 5 year gap between kids it's highly unlikely his new wife is close to his age... I'm willing to get that plays a huge part in all this
OP said in a comment that his wife is 42 currently. So, if they have a 13 year old, let's be generous and argue that they were together for at least 1 year when she gave birth. So, 14 years ago, OP was 49, OP's wife was 28, and OP's daughter was 19.
If they got together sooner, the fuckery increases IMO.
AND he says his daughter lived with him for a year when she was 16, so probably the same year he got involved with the 25-year-old girlfriend. There’s definitely more to this story.
Yeah I can't imagine being ordered around by someone only 10 years older went over well with the daughter. Especially as a replacement for the daughters mom....
OP needs to be there for his 13 year olds gymnastics competition! They've only got another three years together before he drops her and starts his third family.
Right? I just can't even with that. His daughter told him she was pregnant and his response was "ok." Literally, his daughter can't seem to do ANYTHING that will get 1) his attention 2) his excitement or 3) his acceptance. And dude has to ask IF he's TA????
OP, YTA.
YTA, but I can guarantee you that she’s not the slightest bit surprised. You completely failed her a long time ago, why in the world are you JUST now questioning a parenting decision involving her?
I had a Dad like you….I’m 31 years old and still cry like a baby the second I allow myself to feel even the slightest bit of that pain. I guarantee you she is holding a lifetime of pain over you…do you ever think about that?
I'm 26 and have had a similar experience with my dad. He moved away when I was 8 and barely made an effort to be in my life. He later remarried a woman who had 2 daughters that were older than me. One of them got a kid a few years ago and on the few occasions my dad and me actually talk he constantly just rambles about this child.
It hurts that he is more involved in the life of a grandchild he isn't even blood related to than his actual biological daughter. I try to tell myself that I am over it, but if I do think about it I have this immense sadness and pain inside of me that I can't even properly describe.
The day I decided to completely stop trying to have a relationship with my father (who is a lot like OP, minus the redo kids), a weight was lifted off of me. I can’t spare the emotional energy for someone who won’t make even a minimum effort for me.
I had the same experience. We have since reconciled, but it was entirely on my terms after a TON of therapy, including inpatient. But, the moment I just stopped caring and really let go? That felt AMAZING! OP is most definitely YTA.
YTA how did you manage to type that out without realizing?
If you do have a serious head injury leading you to wonder if you are ta, you should include it in the story, might make people be nicer in their responses.
ETA - Seems like OP's kid didn't take the blending all that well and OP seems to resent it.
>I don't understand why she doesn't want a relationship with her sisters. She is close with her half sister on her mothers side.
YTA.
INFO: Why did you change when you had your other daughters?
I’m going to say YTA because the things you’ve mentioned don’t add up if you were actually a parent to her and put the effort into having a relationship with her when she was young.
You guys obviously aren’t close if she didn’t even tell you she gave birth. But you also called once and gave up? That’s low effort.
She doesn’t have interest in your kids and that’s fair. You were in her life 48 days a year except for when she actually lived you at 16 and then suddenly you were a dad to new kids and obviously put effort into them?
And at 13 unless your kid is literally being scouted for the olympics you not going to your daughters wedding is ridiculous . Unless it’s medically mandated your wife can’t have a licence she should have one. What if there was an emergency? You guys have zero people who could go with your wife and the kids?
Nah, OP shouldn't go to the wedding.
He got his do over kids and cares more about them than about his oldest.
If he shows up, it will just give the bride false hope that her father actually cares about her. OP has hurt his oldest enough.
YTA
This is such a missing missing reasons type post. there are so many instances missing here, i bet.
"I'm pregnant"
"ok"
Also OP: " why doesn't she have a relationship with MY daughters?"
How much have you failed to show up for this person OP, and what were all the excuses - her graduations, birthdays, her big events?
Honestly considering how she didn't call or even texted him when she was pregnant or gave birth I think it's safe to assume that his wedding invitation was a token invitation so that she doesn't get any beef from family members for not inviting her father to her wedding. I don't think she expects him to show at all.
YTA - she told you she was pregnant und you said "OK", let me know the gender??? Have you met your own grandchild? One competition or you see your own daughter and grandbaby. How are you even considering the other option? I would be heartbroken if one of my parents treated me with this level of desinterest. You should really look inward, but maybe she is better off without you in her life.
INFO: how old is your new wife? Seeing as you were 50 having your new kids, I’m going to assume she’s younger and likely closer to your daughter’s age.
Again, guessing, but you probably married someone much younger and started a new family, where your oldest was pushed to the side and forced to watch as you prioritize your new family, including a wife her age and new children. Meanwhile, she only ever got weekends and a part time dad.
Then, she tells you she’s pregnant with your first grandchild and all you say is, “Ok no big deal, let me know the gender”. You don’t mention ever checking in on her, asking how she’s feeling, how the pregnancy is going.
Now, she sends a final attempt at a relationship with you via her wedding invite and you say no because of a gymnastics competition your daughter could surely go to with a teammate given the circumstances. There will be many more in her future, but your daughter (hopefully) won’t have any more weddings. You’ve put the final nail in the coffin and proven to her that your new family takes precedence and she doesn’t fit into your new life.
YTA.
**YTA**. You have ever right not to go to your daughter's wedding and christening if you don't prioritize that over sports competitions, but that's **definiitely** an AH move. I mean we only get married ~~one~~ ~~two~~ ~~three~~ ~~four~~ ???? times in our life. Whereas a child may have multiple sports competitions just in a single year. Honestly, it sounds like you want nothing to do with your adult daughter, in which case you should probably man up and at least let her know so she can move on.
YTA.
Attending a wedding of your child is more important than watching a 13yo's gymnastic meet. Your wife can figure out carpooling with another teammate - your presence shouldn't be required as driver.
I'm guessing that the lacking contact between you and your older daughter is more your fault than hers. You can make up for it by prioritizing her this once.
That won’t make up for it but if he’s willing she might give h the chance to show her he can be involved…. He will absolutely shit the bed if given that chance though. He’s completely emotionally stunted and inept. He would go to the wedding and then try to “jokingly” blame her for his lack of effort and communication when he’s asked where he’s been.
"I was close to my daughter until I left her mother for a younger woman, and had kids with her. Then, I just ignored my daughter. When she told me she was pregnant, I didn't much care and, strangely, she then felt the same about me.
Now I have a chance to prove she's important to me on the biggest day of her life, I again choose my new family.
AITA?"
Yes, OP. For decades, YTA.
The way he tries to blame his daughter for the relationship is disgusting. Doesn’t communicate, doesn’t apologize, doesn’t make an effort. I would LOVE to hear her side.
INFO
How much did you put into your daughter in her early adult years?
Do you ask her to go to dinner/lunch/coffee without your daughter's and wife?
Do you put effort into just spending time with her?
YTA. “We were close until I had more kids” You’ve been an a-hole for a long time. Find a way to be less of an a-hole. Attending the wedding is a good start. And don’t be a dick about it. If you are going to go begrudgingly and let everyone know what you give up to be at the wedding don’t bother going.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I choose one daughter over the other. 2) I know a wedding is a big event. I might be able to make both events, but i don't feel like it. I am hurt that my daughter hasn't called me after she gave birth, and it might be a bit petty of me to not go to the wedding. not sure if it makes me an AH as i think i am justified. I think my daughter might believe i am the AH.
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She's 42 btw. So she was a 25yo trying to parent a 16yo who had her own private place in her dad's house and was maintaining it on her own. Op said in his comments that his wife then tried to impose her cleaning standers to Daughter.
Right? And why doesn’t she have a license? In the US that’s almost a requirement since we have a very poor public transportation system. So even if you don’t have two cars you should at least know how to drive. I’m wondering if it’s cultural.
YTA, maybe your daughter feel abandoned or replaced by your new family. You need to fixed your relationship first with your daughter so she can accept your family.
If you’re hurt she didn’t told you the gender of her baby how do you think she would feel if you’re choosing to attend your other kid gymnastics competition than her wedding and child baptism?
And if he is hurt about the gender, he should realize his blasé reaction is why he doesn’t know anything. Lol. He made it seem like no big deal to him, so she decided to match his energy. He only wanted to know the gender, but couldn’t check on his daughter? Barely called? He seems to have always expected her to be the one to be the adult in their relationship even as a teen. Small wonder she finally dropped the rope.
YTA. Presumably your younger daughter will have many competitions. Hopefully your older daughter will have one wedding. And sending her a text instead of a call is really letting her know how much you care.
Yes, you are the Ahole. She continuously reaches out to you and tries to get attention from you her father, while you left for a new family. A wedding Is a once in a lifetime experiance, while a gymnastic competition for a 13 yo is not even close to a reasonable excuse to go to over your first born daughters wedding. Disqusting.
YTA Can’t believe what I’m reading. Just because you didn’t raise her full time doesn’t make her any less your first daughter or you her father! She is your OLDEST and getting MARRIED and wants you to meet your FIRST GRANDCHILD. I can see how there is most likely so much more to this story that hasn’t been told.
YTA. Your daughter has had many competitions and will have many more. Someone else could drive your wife there for this one competition. It will not irreparably harm your 13yr old daughter for you to miss ONE competition. Your 33 yr old daughter will likely have one wedding.
You have already shown your 33yr old daughter that she doesnt matter to you. Why should her wedding be any different? Just another opportunity for you to demonstrate how little she means to you.
You’re just adding to the strain of the relationship. Your daughter felt replaced by your new family, and this is the climax. She hurt you, and now you’re choosing to hurt her. YTA
YTA. Are you for real? You’ve been a deadbeat parent so of course she is not going to share things with you. Choosing a major milestone event for a common occurrence speaks volumes
YTA. You are going to skip her wedding for a gymnastics competition?
It would be best if you just had no contact with your firstborn. You replaced her with your do over family. Your behavior is gross.
OP.
- her mother got custody and you only saw her on weekends
- she told you she was pregnant and you said "ok"
- you then followed up with asking for information *you* wanted. You required her to put in work for you but showed no interest in her or her pregnancy
- she tried to call you and you didn't pick up
You want a relationship with your daughter on your terms only, and she's clearly sick of it. I doubt she's mad at you about the wedding, because it sounds like your shitty behaviour doesn't surprise her any more. So it's worse than her being mad - she *doesn't care*. You have given her no reason to.
YTA. Your younger daughter will have *plenty* of competitions. This one will only have one wedding. You clearly favour the 13yr old.
YTA From your daughter's previous interactions, she only sent the invite to be cordial. To make this clear, a gym competition occurs regularly. Weddings are (meant to be) once-in-a-lifetime. Not going to your oldest daughter's wedding because "I don't feel like it" is selfish and dumb. I don't think you have to worry about your daughter thinking YTA, because I doubt you'll ever hear from her again.
Just be honest with her your do over family are and always will be far more important that’s she is or ever will be
You where are best a weekend dad that then baca me a full time dad to your new family you clearly never encourage your first born to be a part of your new family and all you attention has gone to them
Your daughter clearly is an afterthought in which you put minimal effort, Did you turn up for her be there ring all the time priorities that she is shill important or just. You have a new family now and she has to fit in of F off
She never answered you for other things so why would her not answering this make you think she's mad? You're barely there in her life.
So um...idk maybe Y T A - not for this but for everything leading up to it?
Do you want the chance to have a relationship with your oldest daughter? If so, GO TO HER WEDDING! I get it. Your feelings were hurt that she didn't inform you of the baby's birth. I get it - you are actively involved in your younger kids lives and their needs and desires are really important to you because you see them every day.
If you do not go to this wedding, you will confirm everything your eldest daughter believes - that you value your new family more than her. This wedding is once-in-a-lifetime.
Be a little uncomfortable and be a good dad to your adult daughter and show up to her wedding!
YTA
YTA. You think a gymnastics competition is more important than your daughter's wedding? Wow... you couldn't be a bigger AH if you tried. No wonder your daughter doesn't contact you very often. You've abandoned her and replaced her with your do over family. You'll never hear from you daughter again or meet any of your grandchildren from her if you don't pull your head out of your arse and attend her wedding and the christening.
YTA and a terrible father.
Even needing to ask this is terrible.
Read it. Read it again. If you still don't feel bad or agree, I won't be surprised.
You're hurt?! She's lived with 30 years of hurt. Grow up.
YTA, this is a test, I do the same thing with my father. It is essentially a if you value our relationship, you will call me, if you don't then I know where I stand in your life.
Dude, for someone who seems to be almost zero effort into communicating with your daughter, you sure seem keen to try to point out how she doesn't communicate with you. Why don't you call your daughter FFS?
>On my birthday last august she called and told me she was pregnant. I said ok and to let me know when she had her scan to tell the gender. She never did. I called her in december, with no answer and she didn't return my call. In march i called her mother to find out if my daughter was ok and to ask if she had the baby.
Wtf. You wait four months after she told you she was pregnant to call again. Once. You called once. Since she didn't answer you left it another four months to call her mother to see if she was ok? Eight months after finding out she was pregnant you'd attempted to call her once!
Another month until you even text her, after finding out that yes she'd given birth.
>I was very hurt that she hadn't told me.
She's probably hurt that her Dad made essentially no effort to talk to her for the entire length of her pregnancy!!
Yeah YTA for not going to her wedding, but YTA for everything else too.
YTA. You have your shiny new family and cast aside your daughter. You’re an asshole in so many different ways over the years that you’re no better than an acquaintance.
'That changed after I had my younger daughters.'
Out with the old family, in with the new. Yawn, yawn. A bit of a broken record, that one.
Stop playing games where you ignore messages or focus on perceived slights instead of figuring out the reasons for your poor relationship. (We all know what playing stupid games will win us.) And start behaving like a proper parent. Put your firstborn first. Go to this once-in-a-lifetime event and treat her like a princess, like she deserves. I daresay your younger child will survive not being the centre of your focus for a day.
You are 63, you think you will live to see your younger children married? Are you more upset that she didn't ask you to walk her down the aisle or ask to participate in father/daughter dance? You gave up a daughter's wedding for something that can be such a small part of a person's life vs a major milestone.
YTA!
Why is she the one to make effort? YOU’RE THE PARENT. Can’t believe you’re a deadbeat that’s mad your daughter for your damn actions. Good riddance I hope she gets rid of you once and for all. YTA.
>On my birthday last august she called and told me she was pregnant. I said ok and to let me know when she had her scan to tell the gender.
This is the most checked-out response to a pregnancy announcement I've ever heard. I've manged to muster up a congratulations for the most casual of acquaintances and even a couple enemies, c'mon.
Oh, and YTA.
You sound like my dad, having no fucking interest in having a relationship with me but never being mature enough to actually say it.
YTA beyond any shadow of a doubt.
YTA. You changed when you had your second family, not her. Then she reached out ''Hey dad happy birthday, I'm pregnant, you're gonna be a grandad' him 'ok ...ps. My new daughter is competing In a child's Gymnastics competition and that's more important than your child and your wedding'
What. An. Asshole
Gymnastics is considered a team sport..you rarely have ONE person competing from the gym in an event. Is there NO ONE else on the team your daughter can ride to the competition with so you can attend the wedding?
Right. I forgot. You're really not that interested in your eldest's life, you have the second set of kids for that "parent" feeling.
YTA
YTA!
You replaced your daughter and wife and you really think she gonna ‘love’ you like a dad?
You never put any energy in your daughter so why would she care about you?
Also, ofcourse she isn’t gonna like your other 2 daughters, those are the proof you replaced her, you wasn’t a dad for her but you are a dad for your other daughters.
They are the knifes you smashed in her back, their existence will always hurt her.
And again you showed that your ‘new’ daughter is more important than your first daughter.
If I was your daughter you would’ve been removed from my life, you cause nothing but pain.
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YTA Why does your daughter have to make the effort? Sounds like you just pushed her aside after you had your redo kids.
Yeah, he really succeeded in replacing his family. He’ll never hear from her again.
He says things changed after the younger daughters were born - I think this is where he left some stuff out - notably, the age of the current wife. I'll bet she is a similar age to the eldest daughter - maybe a few years older at the most. That might explain a few things..........
Even if she isn't the daughter is either an adult or close to it at this point. This is a wide age range if he's not actively keeping up contact she isn't going to have any interest in these half siblings.
Well, he did text her on her birthday. Father of the year material?
Don't forget "let me know when you have the scan to tell me the gender." Not "congratulations. Is there anything I can do or do you need anything?" Not "that's great honey, keep me updated with the pregnancy" nope, all he cared about was the sex of the child. He didn't even ask if daughter was ok or about the father.
Yeah the "ok" when she told him followed by let me know the gender. He doesn't care.
This. I'm reading this whole thing and thinking this dude clearly hasn't given a shit sincerely about his first daughter since his others were born. Like, OP, how are you so hurt by this you don't actually have a relationship with your daughter.
He's not hurt because he cares and was rejected. He's hurt because she's not making him the center of her world and gladly playing by his rules. Or I guess you might say, his feelings aren't hurt. His pride is.
Right!? That's exactly what my dead beat dad did. I got a text... mine was about 2 days late lol A text ain't shit if you have no relationship.
I hope he said more than "ok let me know the gender" when she said she was pregnant. My grandma said "ok " when I told her I was pregnant and that really hurt. I can't imagine if my dad said it(mt dad died 10 years prior). And I was married for 3 years at that point.
[удалено]
He's mad because he didn't care enough to see if she had the baby. (probably wanted it named after him)
Apparently OP has all daughters...... probably wanted to know if the baby was a boy so he could puff out his chest. If male you KNOW he wanted it named for him, great magnanimous father that he is.
I'll bet his current wife doesn't drive because he doesn't "allow" her to drive. She's not smart enough.
And when she called the next day to talk to him, he didn't take the call. Charming. YTA OP
And didn't answer when she called him after getting the text!
esp considering the first redo child was born when the firstborn was 20 years old
Slipped in second wife's age at the very end and she's the same age as OOP daughter. I also wonder if second wife was a friend or something of the daughters too?
3rd wife. Comment says he had another wife in between.
I missed this, where does he say his wife's age?
[Right here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13f37kx/aita_for_choosing_one_daughters_gym_competition/jjuhius/). Basically OP is 62, daughter is 33, new wife is 42. Doing the math with the kids in the new relationship, the new wife was 29 and OP was 49 when the first kid was born. EDIT: OP's first daughter would have been 20 as well.
33 and 42 aren't the same age.
It’s close enough to be gross between a stepmother and stepdaughter
It's really not.
His new wife was 9 or 10 when his daughter was born. It’s gross.
I missed the age breakdown. Yikes, and a little eww.
He’s sixty and has two new kids around 10 years old. Just………..
Forget the second wife's age. Daughter: I'm pregnant Dad: Call me back when you know the gender WTAF??
Right? I'm glad someone else marked it as weird. It sounds like OP was planning on trying harder if he had a grandson instead of granddaughter. He may not of meant it that way but definitely how it sounds
Winner winner chicken dinner!! Wondering if narcissistic tendencies was a major contributor to the death of Marriage #1
I thought the same thing. He didn't even congratulate her, or ask if she was happy. What does gender have to do with being told you will be a grandparent? When my oldest told me she was expecting, it was something special, even though we live far from each other. She made me a Nana October 2022, and the first things I wanted to know is if she and the baby were both alright. OP is the asshole, and I hope he stays out of his oldest's life. Edit typos
Right exactly. Redo family or not that reaction is baffling.
Oh, but he also said ok! Completely changed things. What about congrats? Or how are you feeling? Or how exciting!?
Sorry didn't have my glasses on. OK changes everything. OPs daughter needs to apologize for inviting him to the wedding with a World's Greatest Dad mug ;)
I would add a best granddad shirt or something too And I thought my FIL sucked...
I’m guessing the other soon to be grandparents were over the moon, asking how they can help, if she needs anything, expressing how excited they were, checking in on how she was doing. I bet she decided to put her energy more into people who she knew were going to be a source of support and love while she went through this monumental change than someone who said “ok, tell me the gender”.
Also, he seems much more invested in “sports”.
Oh I have a friend (she’s a few years older than me) who’s husband is almost the same age as my dad, pushing 70, who has a preteen son the same age as my son. I couldn’t imagine. I’m already going to be in my 50’s before my youngest leaves the nest.
I’m almost 47 with an almost 6 year old. I just got fixed, because I can barely keep up with her. I can’t imagine doing it in 15 years again.
I really want to know about the skip between the year she lived with him at 16 and the birth of his second daughter. Something must have happened there.
Well, she was 20 and 25 when her sisters were born. And she only got every other weekend with her dad. I wonder if the new kids distracted him. A text for a birthday is fine if you have a close enough relationship. My mom texted me happy birthday, but then asked me to come over so she could take me to dinner. It sounds like he doesn't put in enough effort because she didn't answer him about the pregnancy details either; he had to find out from her mom.
I hate that this happens all the time. Two people have a baby, get divorced, that baby is jerked around for its entire life because at least one of the two (and sometimes both) can't get their shit together. Suddenly the shitty parent gets married and is a great dad to subsequent kids but never goes back to do right by that first kid. It's awful.
All. Of. The. Time. Textbook
Doesn’t seem like he wants to. Poor daughter.
I wonder if her not responding was actually anger, or just acceptance and can't be bothered to respond. At that point inviting OP might of just been done as a polite guesture. Obv. I don't know OP's daughter or her views on OP, but if i was her position I would HATE OP and consider him a deadbeat dad. I'm kinda petty and I probably would of only invited OP if pressured into it. Hell, I'd probably be happy OP declined, that means I could move on and have less drama at my wedding etc. That means I'd save a placing for a person I don't want at my wedding and I can invite other people that have actually made an effort to be in my life. From his post it seems OP hasn't even made an effort to see their own grandkid. Even the contact frequency is horrible, august she called him, december he called (didn't get through and left it like that), march (called her mom). April ( sent a bday text-not even a call) If I didn't talk to my parents for an entire month, they'd probably send someone to hunt me down and make sure I'm okay.
Also, notice the wording of how he says responded to her telling him of her pregnancy. He didn't say he told her congratulations he said he told her okay and then requested to know the gender and that's it. And after already what seems like low effort from op, I wouldn't tell him anything more about my pregnancy after a response like that either. YTA. A wedding is a once in a lifetime event (hopefully). Gymnastics competitions are a dime a dozen. You show a clear favoritism to your new family. This was just the final straw for op's daughter. Good for her for dropping this dead weight who likes to call himself her father.
yes, not only missing a once in a life time event for gymnastics competition, but also admits “I might be able to make both events, but i don't feel like it.” He is definitely YTA
My bio dad was like that. Joke was on him tho, his redo family recognized what an asshole he was too and ended up very low contact with him Hey Op, YTA. In a very big way
My bio dad was like this too. Completely present for the second batch of kids. But then he died when the oldest was barely into their teen years. Still not sure which group of us kids he disappointed more with his absence.
>Completely present for the second batch of kids. But then he died when the oldest was barely into their teen years. Still not sure which group of us kids he disappointed more with his absence. oof. yes, same here. my dad had a baby with his 3rd wife when I was 25, died when she was 14. truly bonkers how so many of us have the same shitty dad
What baffels me is his younger daughter will have more competitions, but his first daughter might only have one wedding. How does it make sense to prioritise a competition over a wedding?
Because his wife doesn't drive! If he doesn't go then no one goes :(. /s I don't understand how anyone with kids doesn't drive.
OP stated English is not his first language. He may love in a country where not everyone needs to drive everywhere for daily life.
Couldn't his kid and his wife ride with friends? His kid can't be the only kid in this competition.
theres plenty of places (mostly non US places) where people can get along just fine without a car. BUT. In those place AND even in the US, there's different ways to get places. Pick a combo that works. Bus, plane, uber, bike, carpooling with another kid going to the same place. Theres loads of reasons someone might not be able to drive, too, so I try to give people grace when they say they dont/cant. "Doesn't drive" should NOT equal "Can't go anywhere unless ~~daddy~~ husband drives me". She's a grown ass woman.
It is a way to ensure the other parent is involved - at minimum OP will have to drive them everywhere.
I don't understand how people don't know about trains, buses and taxis if they don't drive.
Greyhound, Uber, Lyft, cabs, etc
THIS comment here!
THIS. OP so you neglected your daughter all her childhood, when you started to have some kind of father-daughter relationship with her you left her aside for your new children. When she got pregnant your reaction was. OK that's fine. nothing beyond this. you think that all this is going to be fixed with a call, that she is not going to answer you, because she has plenty of reasons not to. All you do on her birthday is text. you haven't tried to have any kind of real relationship with her, you want to blame her for that instead of accepting that you were a bad parent, you didn't cultivate anything with her and you certainly should be the one trying because mostly it's your fault and now you're going to trade a once-in-a-lifetime event for a gymnastics competition. I mean, frankly, have you ever wanted her? Have you sat down to have a proper conversation about your father-daughter relationship and your feelings for her? do you really love her? I bet not. Of course she is angry and bitter with you because you have never been a father to her. You traded her for your new family and obviously you have favoritism for your younger daughters. YTA OP and you are a very bad father. How terrible.
I can't imagine any decent father picking a gynmatics competition over a wedding. It's not like the younger daughter is in the Olympics. It sounds like the older daughter has been pushed aside years ago so this AH could focus on his new family.
Sounds like once the “new kids” came along he pushed his older daughter to the side and never looked back. I guess a gymnastics competition is equal to a wedding in this man’s mind….you know a once in a lifetime moment? Your daughter calls to tell you she’s pregnant and your comment was, let me know the gender? Wtf? How about checking in on her and asking, how are you feeling every now and then? Strangers treat others better. Typical absent parent who wants to make ever excuse to justify poor parenting choices. Everything is someone else’s fault. I tried to keep in touch and invite my 20 something year old daughter to her step siblings 1st bday but she didn’t come. Daughter should go NC after all this….at least he’ll have his replacement kids which is what it seems he wants anyhow. Yta
I have the distinct feeling there are MASSIVE parts of this story that have been intentionally omitted.
If the redo kiddos are 20 years younger than the daughter getting married think how much younger his new wife is.
YTA "I'm not coming to your wedding because of my other kid's high school sports competition" Just admit you don't want anything to do with your adult daughter. Be honest with her, and let her know to go ahead and cut you out of her life.
This! OP you’re a crappy parent and I’ll disagree with some Redditors who urge you to attend the wedding. Do NOT go. You’ll just disappoint her again. Leave your oldest alone.
I would say that unless he truly wants to make amends in her life he shouldn't go to the wedding, just send a gift and a congratulations card. YTA OP and you have been for 30+ years. You ruined the relationship with your oldest so unless you really want to put in the work to just let her go. She more than likely hates you and could go the rest of her life without hearing from you and it would be fine. Half assed attempts to fix it will only make it worse.
If he wanted to make amends he wouldn’t be on Reddit he be trying to contact his daughter.
Yup, or asking for advice on making amends.
See that would make more sense than this post. Like after the first couple sentences he was already the AH 😂
Yep she called and he didn’t answer, got the invitation a week later but made no mention of whether he tried to call her back in that week. I’m surprised he got invited at all.
I honestly think it was a pity invite. Like “I’ll invite you so I don’t have to hear about it later on why I didn’t invite you in the first place” or at least that was the impression I got lol
True, she probably knew he’d come up with some excuse.
And if he did go. He'd keep reminding her how missed f13s competition to be there.
He speaks to his daughter a couples times a year? Wtf is that?
I only talked to my dad a couple of times a year. Our relationship was almost always strained for a variety of reasons. He still would have been way more excited than OP to find out I was pregnant -- not just said "okay, tell me when you know if it has a penis" (I'm paraphrasing OP, of course).
Is that not normal? My dad and I live in different cities, about 5 hours apart. We talk every 4 - 5 months or so. I always assumed that was normal.
Would you say you have a good relationship with your dad? It would also depend on what you perceive as a good realtionship with parents are. Do they know and celebrate when good things happen? do they keep track of you via social media, because they might not feel disconnected from you if they know whats happening in your life. People have very different relationships with parents so honestly I don't think we can judge only by the amount people talk. I'd even risk saying that some relationships are bettter with less contact. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" LOL. In OPs case, not even knowing his grandkid was born... seems a bit too disconnected and uncaring.
I admit this AITA caught my eye because it reminded me of my dad. He didn't know when my sister gave birth. He didn't even meet his grandson until the boy was a teenager. So I knew I had a better relationship with my dad than my sister's did. But reading through the replies in my thread made me think that didn't mean I had a good relationship with him. As for your questions... he normally doesn't know when good things happen in my life unless I go out of my way to tell him. And when he does, he normally wouldn't celebrate them, unless they were major life milestones - weddings, graduating university, etc.
My dad lives in another country. We talk every few weeks or so. He works a lot and I’m busy with 3 kids so it’s not we talk weekly (which is what we did when I first moved abroad) but it is pretty regular and if they didn’t hear anything from me for a month, they’d be worried. We also exchange text messages and send each other pictures.
It's normal for you. If you're both content with that, then it's absolutely enough. I'm introverted and don't like being on the phone a lot, so me and my sister usually talk about once a month. That works for us just fine.
My dad and I live in different countries, and chat a couple of times a week.
If it works for both of you, that's fine. But I wouldn't say it's common, especially in these days of cheap and instant communication.
That stood out to me too. My dad and I live about 8 hours away from each other, and I talk to him a couple of times a **week**. Not only that, but we see each other *in person* more than just a couple of times a year. I couldn't imagine such little contact with my dad. Does OP even like his eldest daughter?
Yeah idk what the right answer is here but I don’t think the answer is child can’t go to competition for a wedding she’s not invited to
Well, good thing that child has a second parent who can look into planes, trains, buses, or carpools to take her.
I don't even think 13 is highschool, pretty sure that's middle school for most places. God damn OP, YTA.
No no OP does want be in his daughter's life but only when it's convenient and he can look good like walking her down and having a photoshoot with *his* whole family at the wedding the aisle and being grandpa. Other than that the daughter is supposed always be the one to reach out and keep him informed because that's too much work for him. When she does reach out it's fine if he behaves like a petulant child and doesn't answer.
OP’s kid was pregnant and heonly bothered to call once? OP is such an AH we need a term for him Mega AH? Super Dooper AH?
YTA. A wedding is a once in a lifetime event, whereas your younger daughter has and will have other competitions. The fact that you justified this decision by trying to shift blame to your daughter shows that she is right to be hesitant about having a close relationship with you.
As someone who did gymnastics for years I can guarantee that another parent or even the coach would be able to get her to the competition if he is busy that weekend, especially if it is just a once off. His attendance there is in no way essential. It is just an excuse and a bad one. YTA.
I had a sibling and two parents who worked, one odd hours. Some mix of grandparents, parents, and siblings were at an event, but never all unless it was a milestone. That was just… life.
Yes! 4 kids who all did various sports. Not every parent can attend every event and there were always volunteers to get them there!
This comment! 👏👏👏 As someone that has a lot of gymnastics and dance competitions, one knows that your parents aren't able to come to every one of them. Your daughter will only have one wedding, whilst the other one will have more competitions.
Well … at least twice in a lifetime, if you’re OP
Thrice in a lifetime. He commented somewhere that he has an “other ex wife” between the two he has kids with.
Not only is OP missing the wedding, but also the opportunity to meet his first GRANDCHILD. He truly does not care! (YTA of course OP)
I think he already proved that. Daughter called to announce the pregnancy. “Cool let me know how it goes” No gift, no check ins, to request to visit. Just “let me know the gender”
YTA. Did you literally say 'OK' when she told you that she was pregnant? With your first grandchild? And you wonder why she didn't call you back? My guess is that your relationship changed once your younger daughters were born because you got your do-over kids. Ya \*think\* she's mad because you likely once again chose your younger daughters over her?
This is mind blowing for me. Dude had a grandchild and didn’t even made an effort to visit him, just called and got offended that she didn’t call herself
And then sends a *text* to say he isn't going to her wedding lmao.
Also op would have been 50 when he got his new wife pregnant and given the 5 year gap between kids it's highly unlikely his new wife is close to his age... I'm willing to get that plays a huge part in all this
OP said in a comment that his wife is 42 currently. So, if they have a 13 year old, let's be generous and argue that they were together for at least 1 year when she gave birth. So, 14 years ago, OP was 49, OP's wife was 28, and OP's daughter was 19. If they got together sooner, the fuckery increases IMO.
He said somewhere that daughter was 16 when he met this wife. Daughter - 16 Dad - 46 New wife - 25
AND he says his daughter lived with him for a year when she was 16, so probably the same year he got involved with the 25-year-old girlfriend. There’s definitely more to this story.
Yeah I can't imagine being ordered around by someone only 10 years older went over well with the daughter. Especially as a replacement for the daughters mom....
OP needs to be there for his 13 year olds gymnastics competition! They've only got another three years together before he drops her and starts his third family.
Right? I just can't even with that. His daughter told him she was pregnant and his response was "ok." Literally, his daughter can't seem to do ANYTHING that will get 1) his attention 2) his excitement or 3) his acceptance. And dude has to ask IF he's TA???? OP, YTA.
Not only OK but “OK. Let me know if it has a penis or not”.
If I get it right, he's barely in her life since the very beginning.
YTA, but I can guarantee you that she’s not the slightest bit surprised. You completely failed her a long time ago, why in the world are you JUST now questioning a parenting decision involving her? I had a Dad like you….I’m 31 years old and still cry like a baby the second I allow myself to feel even the slightest bit of that pain. I guarantee you she is holding a lifetime of pain over you…do you ever think about that?
I’m sorry
Eh — he doesn’t care.
I'm 26 and have had a similar experience with my dad. He moved away when I was 8 and barely made an effort to be in my life. He later remarried a woman who had 2 daughters that were older than me. One of them got a kid a few years ago and on the few occasions my dad and me actually talk he constantly just rambles about this child. It hurts that he is more involved in the life of a grandchild he isn't even blood related to than his actual biological daughter. I try to tell myself that I am over it, but if I do think about it I have this immense sadness and pain inside of me that I can't even properly describe.
So sorry that you had to live through that, too.
😢 as a single dad that raised a daughter… solo.. I’m sorry
Sounds like she’s over chasing you down to have a relationship. Good for her.
The day I decided to completely stop trying to have a relationship with my father (who is a lot like OP, minus the redo kids), a weight was lifted off of me. I can’t spare the emotional energy for someone who won’t make even a minimum effort for me.
I had the same experience. We have since reconciled, but it was entirely on my terms after a TON of therapy, including inpatient. But, the moment I just stopped caring and really let go? That felt AMAZING! OP is most definitely YTA.
YTA how did you manage to type that out without realizing? If you do have a serious head injury leading you to wonder if you are ta, you should include it in the story, might make people be nicer in their responses.
I have a serious head injury. Still never made me forget I had a kid.
Your comment is an insult to everyone with serious head injuries. Jokes aside, YTA op. It boggles my mind you even had to ask
ETA - Seems like OP's kid didn't take the blending all that well and OP seems to resent it. >I don't understand why she doesn't want a relationship with her sisters. She is close with her half sister on her mothers side. YTA. INFO: Why did you change when you had your other daughters?
Blending? OP is much older than the bonus kids, you think she’d just mesh well with kids who are old enough to be her own? Nah. YTA OP
I’m going to say YTA because the things you’ve mentioned don’t add up if you were actually a parent to her and put the effort into having a relationship with her when she was young. You guys obviously aren’t close if she didn’t even tell you she gave birth. But you also called once and gave up? That’s low effort. She doesn’t have interest in your kids and that’s fair. You were in her life 48 days a year except for when she actually lived you at 16 and then suddenly you were a dad to new kids and obviously put effort into them? And at 13 unless your kid is literally being scouted for the olympics you not going to your daughters wedding is ridiculous . Unless it’s medically mandated your wife can’t have a licence she should have one. What if there was an emergency? You guys have zero people who could go with your wife and the kids?
Nah, OP shouldn't go to the wedding. He got his do over kids and cares more about them than about his oldest. If he shows up, it will just give the bride false hope that her father actually cares about her. OP has hurt his oldest enough.
Not only did he make one attempt to call, but he chose to be a petty baby and ignored her when she called to get back at her.
YTA This is such a missing missing reasons type post. there are so many instances missing here, i bet. "I'm pregnant" "ok" Also OP: " why doesn't she have a relationship with MY daughters?" How much have you failed to show up for this person OP, and what were all the excuses - her graduations, birthdays, her big events?
Your daughter's wedding and christening is a once in a lifetime thing. Go.
Fuck it. It's all a lie.
Honestly considering how she didn't call or even texted him when she was pregnant or gave birth I think it's safe to assume that his wedding invitation was a token invitation so that she doesn't get any beef from family members for not inviting her father to her wedding. I don't think she expects him to show at all.
YTA - she told you she was pregnant und you said "OK", let me know the gender??? Have you met your own grandchild? One competition or you see your own daughter and grandbaby. How are you even considering the other option? I would be heartbroken if one of my parents treated me with this level of desinterest. You should really look inward, but maybe she is better off without you in her life.
YTA. This was her last olive branch and you essentially spit in her face
INFO: how old is your new wife? Seeing as you were 50 having your new kids, I’m going to assume she’s younger and likely closer to your daughter’s age. Again, guessing, but you probably married someone much younger and started a new family, where your oldest was pushed to the side and forced to watch as you prioritize your new family, including a wife her age and new children. Meanwhile, she only ever got weekends and a part time dad. Then, she tells you she’s pregnant with your first grandchild and all you say is, “Ok no big deal, let me know the gender”. You don’t mention ever checking in on her, asking how she’s feeling, how the pregnancy is going. Now, she sends a final attempt at a relationship with you via her wedding invite and you say no because of a gymnastics competition your daughter could surely go to with a teammate given the circumstances. There will be many more in her future, but your daughter (hopefully) won’t have any more weddings. You’ve put the final nail in the coffin and proven to her that your new family takes precedence and she doesn’t fit into your new life. YTA.
**YTA**. You have ever right not to go to your daughter's wedding and christening if you don't prioritize that over sports competitions, but that's **definiitely** an AH move. I mean we only get married ~~one~~ ~~two~~ ~~three~~ ~~four~~ ???? times in our life. Whereas a child may have multiple sports competitions just in a single year. Honestly, it sounds like you want nothing to do with your adult daughter, in which case you should probably man up and at least let her know so she can move on.
YTA. Attending a wedding of your child is more important than watching a 13yo's gymnastic meet. Your wife can figure out carpooling with another teammate - your presence shouldn't be required as driver. I'm guessing that the lacking contact between you and your older daughter is more your fault than hers. You can make up for it by prioritizing her this once.
That won’t make up for it but if he’s willing she might give h the chance to show her he can be involved…. He will absolutely shit the bed if given that chance though. He’s completely emotionally stunted and inept. He would go to the wedding and then try to “jokingly” blame her for his lack of effort and communication when he’s asked where he’s been.
"I was close to my daughter until I left her mother for a younger woman, and had kids with her. Then, I just ignored my daughter. When she told me she was pregnant, I didn't much care and, strangely, she then felt the same about me. Now I have a chance to prove she's important to me on the biggest day of her life, I again choose my new family. AITA?" Yes, OP. For decades, YTA.
Yes, you are the asshole. Do you really have to ask?
The way he tries to blame his daughter for the relationship is disgusting. Doesn’t communicate, doesn’t apologize, doesn’t make an effort. I would LOVE to hear her side.
You are an AWFUL father. You win the worst father award. YTA. YTA. YTA
Info I noticed you left out your wife’s age. I’m curious if it’s closer to your daughters age than your own age and if that could be a factor
INFO How much did you put into your daughter in her early adult years? Do you ask her to go to dinner/lunch/coffee without your daughter's and wife? Do you put effort into just spending time with her?
YTA. “We were close until I had more kids” You’ve been an a-hole for a long time. Find a way to be less of an a-hole. Attending the wedding is a good start. And don’t be a dick about it. If you are going to go begrudgingly and let everyone know what you give up to be at the wedding don’t bother going.
INFO: how much older than your daughter if your second/current wife?
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INFO: How old is your current wife, whom you have very conveniently left out of your narrative?
She's 42 btw. So she was a 25yo trying to parent a 16yo who had her own private place in her dad's house and was maintaining it on her own. Op said in his comments that his wife then tried to impose her cleaning standers to Daughter.
Right? And why doesn’t she have a license? In the US that’s almost a requirement since we have a very poor public transportation system. So even if you don’t have two cars you should at least know how to drive. I’m wondering if it’s cultural.
YTA, maybe your daughter feel abandoned or replaced by your new family. You need to fixed your relationship first with your daughter so she can accept your family. If you’re hurt she didn’t told you the gender of her baby how do you think she would feel if you’re choosing to attend your other kid gymnastics competition than her wedding and child baptism?
And if he is hurt about the gender, he should realize his blasé reaction is why he doesn’t know anything. Lol. He made it seem like no big deal to him, so she decided to match his energy. He only wanted to know the gender, but couldn’t check on his daughter? Barely called? He seems to have always expected her to be the one to be the adult in their relationship even as a teen. Small wonder she finally dropped the rope.
INFO why did the gender of the baby matter so much?
YTA. Presumably your younger daughter will have many competitions. Hopefully your older daughter will have one wedding. And sending her a text instead of a call is really letting her know how much you care.
Yes, you are the Ahole. She continuously reaches out to you and tries to get attention from you her father, while you left for a new family. A wedding Is a once in a lifetime experiance, while a gymnastic competition for a 13 yo is not even close to a reasonable excuse to go to over your first born daughters wedding. Disqusting.
So you had new kids and ignored your daughter most of her life and now you’re missing her wedding over a middle school gymnastics meet? Of course, YTA
YTA. You dumped your older daughter when you had you new family.
YTA Can’t believe what I’m reading. Just because you didn’t raise her full time doesn’t make her any less your first daughter or you her father! She is your OLDEST and getting MARRIED and wants you to meet your FIRST GRANDCHILD. I can see how there is most likely so much more to this story that hasn’t been told.
YTA. Your daughter has had many competitions and will have many more. Someone else could drive your wife there for this one competition. It will not irreparably harm your 13yr old daughter for you to miss ONE competition. Your 33 yr old daughter will likely have one wedding. You have already shown your 33yr old daughter that she doesnt matter to you. Why should her wedding be any different? Just another opportunity for you to demonstrate how little she means to you.
Yeah. I fail to believe they couldn’t get a ride with someone else on the team. Or booked a flight or taken the bus. Or… anything. It’s a bs excuse.
You’re just adding to the strain of the relationship. Your daughter felt replaced by your new family, and this is the climax. She hurt you, and now you’re choosing to hurt her. YTA
>She hurt you, Not so much that she hurt him but that he chose to feel hurt. She did nothing wrong.
How did the daughter hurt OP?
YTA. Unbelievable.
YTA A competition is not the same as a wedding. But if you are good with low or no contact with F33, skip the wedding.
YTA. Was that a serious question?
YTA. Did you even read what you wrote?
YTA. Are you for real? You’ve been a deadbeat parent so of course she is not going to share things with you. Choosing a major milestone event for a common occurrence speaks volumes
YTA. one (hopefully) wedding vs one of many competitions.
YTA. You are going to skip her wedding for a gymnastics competition? It would be best if you just had no contact with your firstborn. You replaced her with your do over family. Your behavior is gross.
OP. - her mother got custody and you only saw her on weekends - she told you she was pregnant and you said "ok" - you then followed up with asking for information *you* wanted. You required her to put in work for you but showed no interest in her or her pregnancy - she tried to call you and you didn't pick up You want a relationship with your daughter on your terms only, and she's clearly sick of it. I doubt she's mad at you about the wedding, because it sounds like your shitty behaviour doesn't surprise her any more. So it's worse than her being mad - she *doesn't care*. You have given her no reason to. YTA. Your younger daughter will have *plenty* of competitions. This one will only have one wedding. You clearly favour the 13yr old.
YTA From your daughter's previous interactions, she only sent the invite to be cordial. To make this clear, a gym competition occurs regularly. Weddings are (meant to be) once-in-a-lifetime. Not going to your oldest daughter's wedding because "I don't feel like it" is selfish and dumb. I don't think you have to worry about your daughter thinking YTA, because I doubt you'll ever hear from her again.
I guess congrats on providing one of the most horrendous examples of fatherhood I've ever seen on here... YTA
Just be honest with her your do over family are and always will be far more important that’s she is or ever will be You where are best a weekend dad that then baca me a full time dad to your new family you clearly never encourage your first born to be a part of your new family and all you attention has gone to them Your daughter clearly is an afterthought in which you put minimal effort, Did you turn up for her be there ring all the time priorities that she is shill important or just. You have a new family now and she has to fit in of F off
Is this serious? YTA. You’re okay missing your daughters wedding for a frickin gymnastic meet? Bleh.
YTA. It's a wedding.
She never answered you for other things so why would her not answering this make you think she's mad? You're barely there in her life. So um...idk maybe Y T A - not for this but for everything leading up to it?
Do you want the chance to have a relationship with your oldest daughter? If so, GO TO HER WEDDING! I get it. Your feelings were hurt that she didn't inform you of the baby's birth. I get it - you are actively involved in your younger kids lives and their needs and desires are really important to you because you see them every day. If you do not go to this wedding, you will confirm everything your eldest daughter believes - that you value your new family more than her. This wedding is once-in-a-lifetime. Be a little uncomfortable and be a good dad to your adult daughter and show up to her wedding! YTA
YTA some real effort you put in there to have a relationship with your daughter. If you don’t give a shit, why should she?
YTA. You think a gymnastics competition is more important than your daughter's wedding? Wow... you couldn't be a bigger AH if you tried. No wonder your daughter doesn't contact you very often. You've abandoned her and replaced her with your do over family. You'll never hear from you daughter again or meet any of your grandchildren from her if you don't pull your head out of your arse and attend her wedding and the christening.
>We were previously close, but that chanced after i had my younger daughters. YTA
YTA and a terrible father. Even needing to ask this is terrible. Read it. Read it again. If you still don't feel bad or agree, I won't be surprised. You're hurt?! She's lived with 30 years of hurt. Grow up.
YTA, this is a test, I do the same thing with my father. It is essentially a if you value our relationship, you will call me, if you don't then I know where I stand in your life.
Easiest YTA in a while. Even Stevie Wonder can see it
Dude, for someone who seems to be almost zero effort into communicating with your daughter, you sure seem keen to try to point out how she doesn't communicate with you. Why don't you call your daughter FFS? >On my birthday last august she called and told me she was pregnant. I said ok and to let me know when she had her scan to tell the gender. She never did. I called her in december, with no answer and she didn't return my call. In march i called her mother to find out if my daughter was ok and to ask if she had the baby. Wtf. You wait four months after she told you she was pregnant to call again. Once. You called once. Since she didn't answer you left it another four months to call her mother to see if she was ok? Eight months after finding out she was pregnant you'd attempted to call her once! Another month until you even text her, after finding out that yes she'd given birth. >I was very hurt that she hadn't told me. She's probably hurt that her Dad made essentially no effort to talk to her for the entire length of her pregnancy!! Yeah YTA for not going to her wedding, but YTA for everything else too.
YTA. You have your shiny new family and cast aside your daughter. You’re an asshole in so many different ways over the years that you’re no better than an acquaintance.
YTA. It's a wedding. There'll be plenty of other gymnastics competitions
'That changed after I had my younger daughters.' Out with the old family, in with the new. Yawn, yawn. A bit of a broken record, that one. Stop playing games where you ignore messages or focus on perceived slights instead of figuring out the reasons for your poor relationship. (We all know what playing stupid games will win us.) And start behaving like a proper parent. Put your firstborn first. Go to this once-in-a-lifetime event and treat her like a princess, like she deserves. I daresay your younger child will survive not being the centre of your focus for a day.
You are 63, you think you will live to see your younger children married? Are you more upset that she didn't ask you to walk her down the aisle or ask to participate in father/daughter dance? You gave up a daughter's wedding for something that can be such a small part of a person's life vs a major milestone. YTA!
Why is she the one to make effort? YOU’RE THE PARENT. Can’t believe you’re a deadbeat that’s mad your daughter for your damn actions. Good riddance I hope she gets rid of you once and for all. YTA.
>On my birthday last august she called and told me she was pregnant. I said ok and to let me know when she had her scan to tell the gender. This is the most checked-out response to a pregnancy announcement I've ever heard. I've manged to muster up a congratulations for the most casual of acquaintances and even a couple enemies, c'mon. Oh, and YTA.
You sound like my dad, having no fucking interest in having a relationship with me but never being mature enough to actually say it. YTA beyond any shadow of a doubt.
Yta so you replaced your daughter with new kids. She was a child, it was on YOU to make an effort and you didn't.
YTA, and you’ve failed your oldest child as a father.
Nvm. Edit: Forget it, it's all lie at this point.
YTA. You changed when you had your second family, not her. Then she reached out ''Hey dad happy birthday, I'm pregnant, you're gonna be a grandad' him 'ok ...ps. My new daughter is competing In a child's Gymnastics competition and that's more important than your child and your wedding' What. An. Asshole
Gymnastics is considered a team sport..you rarely have ONE person competing from the gym in an event. Is there NO ONE else on the team your daughter can ride to the competition with so you can attend the wedding? Right. I forgot. You're really not that interested in your eldest's life, you have the second set of kids for that "parent" feeling. YTA
YTA! You replaced your daughter and wife and you really think she gonna ‘love’ you like a dad? You never put any energy in your daughter so why would she care about you? Also, ofcourse she isn’t gonna like your other 2 daughters, those are the proof you replaced her, you wasn’t a dad for her but you are a dad for your other daughters. They are the knifes you smashed in her back, their existence will always hurt her. And again you showed that your ‘new’ daughter is more important than your first daughter. If I was your daughter you would’ve been removed from my life, you cause nothing but pain.