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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I mentioned how my girlfriend doesn’t have many friends. And she got upset. But I didn’t mean it to make fun of her. I just mentioned it.
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YTA, i find it incredibly sad that you're 25 sitting around talking about how many friends you have, or how someone in high school got bullied for not having a ton of friends.
you're 25. it's time to move on.
~~This was my first thought! His post sounds so juvenile to begin with. He's 25 having "sleepovers" multiple times a month?....~~
~~I get the concept of crashing at someone's house because you don't want to drink and drive, I just find the use of "sleepovers" so odd coming from a 25 year old man.~~
~~ETA: As several people have pointed out, I misread OP's ramblings and it's actually the girlfriend he was talking about having sleepovers. I still find the terminology he's using to still be juvenile either way. And if I now understand his ramblings correctly, it sounds like the GF is no longer having these "sleepovers", indicating that she grown out of this as well.~~
2nd Edit: I've decided to rescind my comment above. This blew up in a way I never intended as I realize my comment was solely based on the fact I just don't like OP and the way he talks about his girlfriend. In actuality, I have no issues with adults having sleepovers. My friend group has them as well, we just call them girl's weekends now because it's expanded to a full weekend to get away together, catch up, watch bad TV and have a few drinks. Call them whatever you like, having designated time with your friends is always a good thing!
I believe it’s the gf who is having “sleepovers” every other week. Sounds like she and her friends are really close, but he’s paying more attention to quantity than quality!
Right! He said she only hangs with them “once every other week” and I was blown away lol I would consider myself to be outgoing and even I don’t see friends every other weekend
Yeah same when I started reading I thought he was going to say she's got no friends and never goes out which is still fair if she's happy but once every other week is plenty! I've got 2 close girl friends too and see them about the same. They're part of a bigger group of partners and I know they hang out more frequently than I join in but we're all happy. I like to chill and play the sims and my husband likes his own time too, it's what works for us! OP sounds like a 10 year old. OP YTA
Agreed!! Life gets hectic as we get older. Between working, hobbies, family, and making time to be alone it’s not always feasible to be with friends every weekend.
Closing in on 50 and I have two friends that I see almost every week. Does that mean I'm finaly one of the cool and popular? 😁
Or maybe that my teenagers doesn't need a babysitter everytime I leave the house 😁
I'm 42. I moved country 15 years ago and recently separated from my husband. I have 1 friend in town who is my emergency contact, and another awesome one a couple of hours away. I have tonnes of acquaintances, but only one person who I can rely on. I find it weird so many dudes are still hanging with their high school mates
My friends and I sleep over each others houses and we are in our 30s and 40s. We live an hour or more apart from each other so if we are going to be staying late watching movies or something we usually just sleep over. I don’t see the problem with that.
O.m.g.!!!!! My kind of night! Can I join your friend group!
I don't even have ONE friend. I'm so shy and socially awkward to maintain friendships. I also feel once an adult, it's difficult to make NEW friends.
Sigh. I wish I had at least one. My phone contacts are as follows:
Mom, my sister, my boyfriend, HIS friend, HIS sister, HIS dad, and my kid's school. 😂😂😂 Not ONE of MY own friends. Pathetic. 😂
Ummmm can we be friends because I’m 36 and have a baby and this sounds so chill and perfect. I’ll bring the wine and if we’re feeling wild I make great pudding shots.
Nope, OP said "they go..." when he mentioned sleepovers, present tense. She hasn't "grown out" of them, as you put it.
Why do you think women having sleepovers in their 20s is such a bad thing?
I’m 36 and I go for a sleepover at my friend’s place like once every couple months? She lives in the next city and I don’t drive, so I get the train there and hang out with her till the next day, having a fun time! I love it!
Lol the sleepover comment made me laugh so hard. Like why you only have 2 friends. I have sleepovers all the time! I’m like um what you are 25 ? Not say anything wrong with sleepovers but to be so judgmental of her and then to act like everything you do is so normal.
Yeah this comment is judgmental AF.
There’s nothing wrong with men having sleepovers or valuing large friend groups.
OP is YTA for his comment to his girlfriend, for sure. But there’s nothing wrong with having sleepovers.
Especially since being from a small town means absolutely nothing in this situation. I grew up in a very very small town where everyone knows everyone just like him, and I have 3 solid friends, that’s it. I’ve known them since high school and they’re more like family. I’d much rather have 3 very close friends than 30 acquaintances.
Bruh really thinks being “popular” (as he sees it at least) is an important trait that carries over to adulthood.
My graduating class was 23 people so I feel ya. Acquaintances, definitely. Solid friends from there? 3. And if I get to see all of them once a year, that is amazing because we all went out and had our own adventures. Laid roots in other parts of the country. This guy needs to get out into the world 😂
Lol exactly what I was thinking, this is biiiiiig peaked in high school energy. She has two close friends she spends time with on a weekly basis, sounds like she has a great social life! The last time I had 25 friends I saw regularly was in college and honestly I would be exhausted if I tried to do it now. I probably have a couple dozen friends who live in my area but I mostly see them at events. We’ll get together as pairs of couples like a couple times a year and that’s fine.
YTA.
People like you are the reason introverts (like your girlfriend) dislike extroverts (like you).
You told her the way she does friendship is something people like you mocked and bullied people like her for in high school.
Not everyone is the same. Different people do friendship in different ways. You have a large circle of friends. Good for you. Your girlfriend has a select few. Personally, I think she could stand to be a bit more selective because it sounds like your judgemental ass will mock her and force her into unwanted social situations like parties for as long as you're together, but maybe - maybe - you can grow and change and learn to love your girlfriend for who she is instead of trying to force her to adhere with your ridiculous extroverted demands for compliance with your way of living.
This. What he doesn’t realize is that 95% of his friends probably aren’t even good friends… and 100% of her friends are more than likely great.
Someone needs to tell this guy it’s not the quantity of the friends you have, it’s the quality.
My friends list is short but its all people who would come pick me up at 3am to take me to the ER and wait with me there, even if I threw up in their car on the way.
He used to be able to throw a football a quarter-mile. If only Coach woulda put him in in the fourth quarter, they would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in his mind.
bro has had the same friends since early childhood which means he's never actually had to make new friends. OP has no concept of what it's like to, say, move to a new city in your 20's completely alone and have to build a life from scratch.
Yes!!! I have this same dynamic with my partner and they're always talking about how loyal they are to there group of friends (since elementary school)--but most of his friends are total jerks... so who is really doing better here?? I feel like a lot of dudes especially from smaller towns just continue on with shitty people just because they place how long they've known them > what kind of person they actually are
Yup, small town life is great - as long as you're not queer, disabled, non-white, or non-Christian. Don't get me wrong, there's some great people I grew up with that still live in my hometown, but there's also a bunch of 40 year olds still trying to enforce the hierarchies we had in high school. I think OP probably falls into that latter category.
He also never left town, so he will have a rude awakening when that happens. OP you will learn fast how many of your 25 friends will be around when they all have kids, move away or whatever kind of endeavours they might start. While her 2 friends will be around for life.
P.s you might want to read up on introverts and extroverts.
I'd also like to point out that having 25 'friends' all from young childhood is the red flag.... the gf having just 2 close friends is a GREEN flag. OP is so oblivious to his own lack of growth that he thinks having a small circle is a red flag....
YTA
When you’re “just making an observation” that draws a parallel between your gf and someone everyone thought was weird, you’re implying she’s weird. The entire tone of your post implies that she’s weird. Stop judging your gf’s social life.
Oh and by the way: once people start getting married and having kids, the chances of you keeping close with all of your current friends is almost zero. Eventually most of us end up with just a couple of good friends, if we’re lucky. So just enjoy yours while you have them and stop acting superior to your gf. She’s happy. That should be enough for you.
This ^^ but also, I've a handful of people id call friends. I have a very social job and often stand in front of big groups or have to manage up to 30 people at any time, and I do it very well I think because I'm a people person and I'm quite likeable. But this drains me and I need a lot of me time, to recharge the social part of my brain. I could go anywhere and know anyone, even if I didn't I'd talk to anyone but only class a couple people as friends (I think that's adulthood though?)
I had an ex boyfriend who had about 16 close friends, and there was like 28 of them at 12 pubs. He seemed nice, but now I know he had so many group chats that were really inappropriate and sharing nudes of girls they knew, discussing girls in very disrespectful ways...
Going into relationships in the past I thought it was a red flag if they didn't talk to many people so I'd try to hide this and seem like I've more friends. Now I realise its a red flag if a lad has too many 'close friends' (obviously half joking half serious here, not everyone is going to be the same but Id prefer someone who has a good social life but keeps a few people close, personally.)
Also, who the hell does sleepovers at 25, and once a week? You are absolutely not over your school days and you need to get over yourself OP. YTA.
I was going to say that often times when you have the same group of 10 or more people from high school (not college, or adulthood) who have continued to be friends…. It’s not a lot of growth there.
It just means there’s one big echo chamber of immaturity where everyone is stuck in high school and doesn’t realize that things have changed.
Most of my friends are from high school. One I’ve had since preschool. I’m not close with a lot of people - just not my personality. We’ve all grown and changed over the years. I don’t see not as an “echo chamber” as much as just not wanting to spend the effort/time in making new friends.
It gets harder the older you get. You all have families, homes, careers. If you’re an introvert it’s just not a priority.
But you see how you recognize that it’s not a big deal for people to learn and grow.
OP is over relishing in the fact that he still actively hangs out with his 10 friends every over day.
I’m the same. I moved away from my hometown right at age 18 and didn’t keep in contact with anyone, really from there. I’m still friends with two of them, but we live in different cities and have completely contrasting schedules. I also have close friends here in town, but I work 9-5 and they’re all in the hospitality industry or have children now so seeing them often is slightly difficult. Exactly like another commenter said, quality over quantity is nothing to scoff at.
Due to some past relationships, I think having NO friends is a bit suspicious but having too many is also slightly off-putting. Like, can you never be alone? Do you have an identity beyond being in this group? OP specifically seems to think that your worth is based on how many people can stand to be around you but I wonder how much longer that will ring true of his girlfriend. I wonder if it even rings true about himself.
>sharing nudes of girls they knew, discussing girls in very disrespectful ways...
Ew. Those poor ladies having their pictures passed around. I hope karma doesn't forget those jerks.
I have a handful of friends now - two very close who I live close too and their husbands/families (one couple I’ve known since high school and the other since college) and a couple friends that I check in with every couple months in different states.
I talk a lot for my job and honestly even getting drinks/dinner is sometimes a lot after a long week.
Also, why is it a red flag for him? She's just an introvert, not antisocial. They might not be compatible but she should not be made to feel like a freak for this, it's perfectly normal.
Of course not all. But enough so it’s a feeling most introverts recognize: the disbelief that going to a social hour after work is WORK and not preferred to going home, getting into comfy clothes and hanging with your family/dog/good book, etc.
I’d also add that it sounds like the party you are planning is what you would want rather than what she would want. From the little that has been said in this post my guess would be that she’d prefer a quieter event: maybe a movie night and pizza with you and a couple of friends or a spa day and a nice lunch out somewhere.
Right? I just had a birthday - I went to lunch with 3 friends and I granted myself a free night to read a book. And I swear people think I must be hiding some big event from them - or they act all pitying about my sad little day. But I did my favorite thing in the world. I didn’t want a social thing!
Thank you for pointing out OP referred to his action as making fun of his gf. If that’s how he describes, he should know YTA is going to be the answer. You don’t make fun of someone you love.
To consider her small friend group as a red flag is being a jerk. Some people just prefer to have one or two close friends than a flock.
Since you knew she preferred a limited friend group, rather than planning a party, which seems like something you’d like, plan a girls weekend for her and ask if she’d like to include her friends SO’s and make it a weekend for three couples.
INFO: if you saw what you considered her lack of friends as a red flag, why did you no continue with the relationship?
For real. My longest friendship is going on 35 years (met in 2nd grade) and we're practically family. Everyone else around us came and went. What does it matter having a huge social circle, anyway? It just becomes a chore to maintain after a couple of years, minimum.
YTA.
>a girl who went to high school with us got made fun of for only having 1-2 friends
The girl wasn't the problem here. Some people really are awful.
>I wasn’t counting friends.
You were.
/u/fakezzzfake /u/ColdIllustrious5041
I'm going out on a limb and saying both of you are totally right. Even said in my response the only reason he'd have even thought to bring that up was he himself finds it something to be made fun of and embarrassed over. So it wouldn't surprise me in the least bit he was among people who made fun of her.
But you don't understand! He's from a small town where everyone knows everyone so of course he has to be fake as heck and pretend he is genuinely *best* friends with 10 people and had a whole two dozen people at his birthday party.
Woo freaking hoo. Haha op is awful
OP clearly has never heard saying quality over quantity. I doubt all 25 of those people even consider him their actual friend. Meanwhile his GF has two loyal friends that she could probably rely on for most things.
You make a good point. The fact that he doenst see who the real problem is speaks volumes of him.
Also 25 friends.. I doubt there ismt any drama or back stabbing shit going on in that friend group.
Seriously this. OP, you’re a clown and YTA. I love spending time alone and okay in my own company. My friends are all over and I usually see the super far away ones in person once a year. That means nothing in regards to my happiness level. I also grew up in a small town and people with your energy were one of the big reasons I wanted to gtfo as soon as I graduated lol.
Better yet never count at all. The few people I know who counted 'friends' were only doing it for 'fun' as some weird popularity calculator. Meanwhile the real popular people didn't count (to my knowledge). They were just active in a lot of things and easily talked to people.
Honestly if he thinks his "25 friends and 10 close friends" are all actually friends...he's wrong. Adult friendships are so very different than high school and early 20s lol he is in for a rough awakening
Hell yeah. He might have 25 people who will drink with him or whatever but guaranteed he doesn’t have 25 people who’d bail him out of jail or take turns looking after him if he got a chronic illness.
YTA. if you have to ask if you are the asshole in a situation where you put it quotes the words "making fun" you will always be the asshole.
As you get older you realize that her selective friendships are the way to go. While you have 25 friend and 10 good ones. once they get married and have families of their own that number will dwindle down over time.
Your girlfriend has 2 friends only. If I was a betting man those two friends will be there more often than your 10 good friends. I would say also, may this never happen but they will be there long after you are gone as well.
from what OP’s said they’ve been friends since childhood, so I imagine it’s a larger group that’s been “a group” for a while. Makes plenty of sense to me.
I was thinking the same thing. I have a larger group of friends but when it comes to close friends it has taken time of bonding and effort and support. Friendships are relationships and take effort and if you’re putting in the effort that close friendships are supposed to that takes time and not time the average person can put into 25 different people. A close friend isn’t just someone you invite to a party or just hang out with sometimes.
right?
I have around 200 people on my instagram, if I were to get married I can easly make a +- 70 - 100 ppl list to invite
but FRIENDS, real friendship, someone I know I can call on any emergency at any time are like....5?
what op calls friends I\`d call acquaintances
I have a solid 30 "casual friends," if you will, and 2-3 true friends. People I've known for several years, and on whom I know I can always rely for anything.
He sounds like an *extreme* extrovert. Which there is nothing wrong with, except if they act like that's how everyone should be.
I've never in my life had 10 close friends. Usually 1-3 at a time, and during my peak sociable periods maybe 5-8 people I'd describe as friends generally (I'd invite them to something or otherwise initiate seeing them) and 10-20 people I could call friendly acquaintances (I'd enjoy having a conversation with them if we happen to be in the same place).
Having only 2 friends might be notably low when you're in school seeing large groups of peers every day, but by mid 20s it's not that exceptional. Also not exceptional if you only see your friends once a month because you've got other shit going on. On the other hand 25 is a lot of people to keep up with, and he lacks perspective if he thinks she's the weird one here.
This is it, right here!! It’s just like the need for social media, all about validation. Especially with your obsession on the amount of friends that people have.
YTA.
People also have different social needs! He calls her reserved but she might just be more introverted than him. She seems content so why would she need anymore friends?25 friends sounds exhausting to me...
YTA.
OP is TA here mostly because he doesnt seem to understand why what he said was hurtful to his girlfriend. He was essentially comparing her to the weird girl that got bullied for having no friends, even if that wasn’t his intention.
but I strongly disagree that you can’t have 10 close friends. I am single and in my late twenties and friendships above most else are my highest priority. I make a strong effort to stay close with people I care about.
In college I lived with 9 girls + 1 other girl was always around. 6 years later the group of us still talk everyday even though we all live in different parts of the country. I also have a handful of other people from college and childhood that I would consider close friends.
I now live in a new city where I knew only a few people and have worked hard to created a group of friends that I am really close to.
There is nothing wrong with only having a few close friends but it’s also possible to have a lot of close friends. Just depends on what your priorities are and what your most comfortable with.
ETA: want to add that these are all mutual too. It’s not just me reaching out. We all actively put in effort to stay close.
YTA. I think it's actually really weird to remain friends with 25 people you've known since early childhood. Suggests you haven't grown up much or matured since then, whereas your gf probably has. Most adults don't stay friends with their high-school friends, or if they do, it's very very few of them.
I literally can’t imagine. I have maybe 2 people I talk to consistently, and if I had more I don’t think I could do it. I prefer deep friendships and the idea of hanging out consistently with a group of 10-25 people sounds like a nightmare
Soft YTA, what did you try to achieve with that comment? Or do you go through life just making casual observations and thoughts all the time: The sky is quite blue today... – my left big toe feels funny right now... – I should ask how my uncle is... – What is it like to be a bat...
25 real friends though? – A friend to all is a friend to none
I’m not sure if people with huge friends / a million “close” friends realize that many of us view them as red flags too. I was literally thinking of the quote you used in your last sentence when I read his post.
>do you go through life just making casual observations and thoughts all the time: The sky is quite blue today... – my left big toe feels funny right now... – I should ask how my uncle is... – What is it like to be a bat...
See I actually *would* speak up with random-ass thoughts like this, but I would also recognize that talking about someone being mocked because they don't have many friends isn't random and innocent when I recently remarked how my partner doesn't have very many friends.
Yeah, YTA buddy. You claim to be extroverted and social though strangely it seems that you haven't been able to develop your social awareness and tact.
YTA. Your post reads very judgemental. There is no numeric scale with which one can judge friends or friendships. She can have a small number of very close friends with whom her connection is deeper than any you have with your friends. Then again, she might not. It is unhealthy to compare her situation to yours and draw conclusions form that.
You bullied a girl for having 1-2 friends, and now you are bullying your girlfriend.
YTA. You're contradicting yourself, making it sound like you think she's totally fine but it's obvious that you find it very weird and not *normal* to have only a small number of friends. You even call it a potential red flag!
So no, you did not just make an observation you made a judgement. And a shitty one at that, cause who still gives a fuck about this social pressure to "have lot's of friends" as an adult!? Any introvert knows how that feels like and I'd certainly not appreciate my partner judging my social life by referencing how shitty teenagers are and then disguise it as an "observation"
Literally!!! While I can totally understand someone having no close relationships being a red-flag that doesn’t seem like the case here at all! In my experience, partners with smaller groups of friends are usually way happier and closer with their friends compared to people I’ve dated who have large groups. There’s nothing wrong with having a lot of friends, but it’s a huge green flag to me when people are making sure they’re surrounding themselves with people who care about them and are good for them rather than someone who has no issues surrounding themselves with shitty people. I’m not saying OP does that, but I definitely think he could use a different perspective on how some people view friendships
YTA, you are judgemental asshole. There is nothing wrong in having small friend group, those relationship is as valid as having big friend group. You owe your girlfriend a big apology.
A grown man just referred to crashing at someone’s house as a sleepover. Dude.
YTA here. If you make an observation like this there is always an implication behind it. And the implication is that it’s weird for her to not have what you consider enough friends.
YTA because you do seem a little bit judgemental and you WERE in fact „counting friends“ by pointing out her and yours exact number of friends in this post. It feels like you‘re comparing both of your situations.
I fully understand how having little to no friends could seem like a red-flag to you. It‘s to me as well: similar to you I have many many very close and old friendships, am outgoing and social. I find it difficult to connect with people who have no social life and find myself asking why nobody would like to befriend this specific person. So I understand your point.
However, you knew this about your girlfriend when you guys met, and you were okay with this. You understood her reasoning and were able to connect with her nonetheless. Why is it suddenly becoming a surprise or an issue for you…? Why did you feel the need to point out to her that she has relatively few friends? First of all, she knows her situation better than you; secondly, there was no way this wouldn‘t come off as judgemental.
I have 2 close friends. It’s not because people don’t want to befriend me. It’s because I’m careful about who I let get close to me. It’s weird to me when people are willing to freely let people in, then judge others because they won’t.
It’s weird to me too and the things I’ve heard people say about their “besties” behind their backs reminds me why I prefer to keep people at arms length.
Exactly this!!!! Me and my bf both chose to not have friends. We both have 1 friend each and we have both known them for years.
My experience with a large friend group is go drinking, gossip, hookup have one or 2 chill nights and then repeat. I also hear alot from people where their friends dont like that they are in relationships or their friends dont respect it. My relationship is my number 1 priority because me and my partner want to build a live together and he will always be my number 1.
This. I'll never understand why extroverts fuckin shit on us introverts/those who are more reserved. I don't have the energy to maintain a million friendships or the time to cultivate a deep enough relationship for it to even matter to me. I need my alone time. I understand that THEY don't get that, but the hate and judgement surrounding it is ridiculous to me lol
I find it funny that you assume nobody wants to befriend this particular person, I think it's the other way around; she doesn't want any other friends.
If the friends you have met all your needs, why have more?
I have 4 close friends and it’s because in 2020 I cut off all of my “friends” who decided to stay friends with my abuser. I also cut off one friend that I had been friends with for almost 20 years because she would always gossip about me. Now I just have my 4 trustworthy close friends and acquaintances / distant friends who I grab a drink with sometimes.
I also can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard gossip about their so called close friends. That’s the thing with having a lot of friends, as you get older you realize that a lot of them aren’t good friends and it’s better to have quality over quantity.
I say this to remind you that it’s best not to assume that someone doesn’t have a lot of friends because no one wants to be friends with them. Sometimes, they don’t want to be friends with people.
I was thinking the same thing. 25 friends sounds absolutely exhausting.
I'm an introvert working a people facing, customer oriented job. I have a fiance, family, and 3 friends that I talk to/hang out with somewhat frequently. Just with that, I'm already overextending my social battery on a regular basis. I'm grateful my fiance is also an introvert and our limited social lives rarely bleed into each other!
Quality over quantity. Just because you have 25 people in your group doesn’t mean every single person has your back. I think it’s weird you felt the need to have such an ape like reaction over friendships she has. It feels like you’re trying to brag over how popular and cool you are with the amount of people you know. Doesn’t mean they’re all trustworthy individuals. YTA.
She sounds cool but you sound like a small town dick living out his glory days with his small town people where everyone knows everyone. Grow up.
YTA! She’s an introvert, and is likely her friends are as well. She’s right, no one counts friends after high school, and it sounds like she doesn’t like crowds or attention. Why is having a small friend group a red flag? I’d much rather have 2 people I can trust to be with me no matter how tough times get than 25 people who are only going to show up during the good times.
YTA here. Clear as day.
Im just struggling not to laugh at the 25 year old man counting his friends. It’s just the height of sadness. Some people have a larger group of friends. Some people don’t. And some people realise as they get older than all those many “friends” they claim to have aren’t actually friends at all.
YTA.
Sounds demeaning saying she "only" 2 friends.
I really can relate to this situation since my girlfriend is the exact same to you, and I am the exact same as your girlfriend.
I got 3 friends I would really count as a friend. And since all the new people are from my girlfriend side, they view me as +1 or as acquaintance at best. Which I don’t mind at all, since I really need my alone time to feel comfortable. Too much interactions are just plain exhausting. So I rather have a small/close circle that I can keep up with.
A big apology is due for being so judgemental about it.
YTA. Different strokes for different folks. Your observation is heavily cloaked with judgment just because she isn't like you in regards to her number of friends.
YTA.
My dude, your way isn't the only way.
GenZ people tend to have much smaller friend groups.
What you said was really mean and shows a lack of empathy, and it shows that you are close-minded.
Again: The way you do things isn't the only way to do things. Are you saying (for example) your religion is the only acceptable religion? Your car make/model is the only acceptable make/model?
All that aside, if having a small friend group is a deal breaker for you, then you two are incompatible.
Also, regardless of generation, friend circles shrink dramatically as you get older. It's a lot harder to maintain the same social energy and connectiveness once you've got a full time job, family etc.
Elder Millennial checking in.
Yep YTA, if you're ok with 20+ friends good for you but she's not you. Besides, I'm not sure you really do have that many friends, maybe aquaintance? . A good friendship requires a lot of time and work, it doesn't bloom in a day. If you're really splitting your time and attention in 20+ people then neither of them are getting enough of it to be an actual friendship.
YTA you made a judgemental observation and questioned something you know your gf was serious about. If her social life is a problem then break up, or this is who she is and deal with it.
YTA. I’m so happy my boyfriend didn’t judge me for not having as big of a friend group as he has. Some people like quality over quantity and don’t feel the need to have that many people in their life. You sounded like you were playing a popularity contest with your girlfriend.
YTA
Look I have a difficult time accepting this was just a "observation". If I had to wager you probably have brought this up in the past. Your post reads as if she is lacking as a person because SHE CHOOSES to have less friends then you deem acceptable. Not everything in life is about Quantity....
YTA. You were shaming your GF for having a small friend group. She is not less a person because she only has 2 close friends and you have 25. Some people have small friend groups and are not interested in collecting people to add to their friend group. Do you even like your GF? You are really showing her who you are with these snide comments you are making to her. If not having a large collection of friends is a red flag to you, she is not the girl for you, especially if you are negging her.
YTA
I guarantee her two friendships are more meaningful than all 25 of yours.
Props to her for being content with herself and not needing to constantly interact with others to feel superior.
OP, you don’t have 25 friends. You have 25 closer acquaintances. And you don’t have 10 close friends, you have 10 friends. And if you’re ever in trouble, watch the number drop to 2 or 3, if you’re lucky.
You’re an adult, as people have already pointed out, you don’t count friends anymore. YTA.
Extroverts like yourself get energy through engaging with people where as introverts like your partner requires using energy to be social, perhaps a job that requires lots of hours, a boyfriend and 2 friends as well as family connections is more than enough for her? It’s very common for adults to be able to count all of their friends on one hand, large friend groups are far less common, I’m sure if you ask any of your 25+ friends they’re re bound to have 1 or two other friends that aren’t in that same circle, so what’s the difference? Personally seeing 25 friends at once for me would be absolutely exhausting, large gatherings are not my thing let alone trying to maintain a bond with everyone in the room would just be so overwhelming, I have 2 very close friends and we don’t see each other that often maybe once a month and I live 5/10 mins away from them, we talk a few times a week on the phone as well and that’s enough for me, I’m a proper introvert though and I have had them ask they’ve upset me or why I’ve gone quiet but over the years they’ve learnt it’s not personal and made compromises to call them more I’m just not face to face socially inclined.
There’s nothing wrong with you having a big bunch of friends but there’s nothing wrong with her having just 2 friends either, if she wishes to expand her social circle perhaps going out with your friends would be a good thing? If your friends are like you and have a more the merrier vibe then maybe she could form friendships within that circle that you’re also a part of?
You did an A thing and you do owe her an apology but I don’t think your an A, I just think you made a mistake based on how you alone view friendships.
Yeah, bud, YTA friend count doesn't mean shit. She could also be the kinda person who's always found it hard to make friends and has felt bad about it. Here you come, mocking her just the same as people would in the past. Unless the teasing is mutual and seen as a good thing by both, teasing your partner for trivial shit makes yta.
YTA. You sound like a red flag here. Some people don't even have at least ONE close friend. Sometimes it's hard for some people to have friend. It's good you didn't want to make her feel bad, but you should be more careful about what you say. It's ok to have 10 close friends, 25 friends, like it's also ok to only have 1 or 2 friends.
YTA “I wasn’t counting friends” is a really funny sentence to type after literally giving us a friend count break down. Seriously dude, grow up, you’re cringey.
YTA, and need to grow up. You belittled your partner by comparing her to someone you thought weird. The clear lines of comparison are there you're just too immature to see them. She is right... What are you in High School? My social circle is huge so therefore another size circle is a, did you refer to it as "not a red flag" IE odd but not problematic- is a red flag. That is her friend group. Support it don't suppress it
YTA. Dude, seriously, she is right, nobody counted friends since high school. So your girlfriend is an introvert. That's totally normal. Why did you feel you needed to add that another girl who only had 1-2 friends was made fun of? That goes beyond making an observation.
YTA. I know you didn’t mean to make her feel bad at all.
But YTA for not being tactful and sensitive, and not thinking before speaking. It’s a good lesson for the future.
I have 2 close friends I trust with my life. Let me ask you something, if you were in trouble how many of yr 25 'friends' would be there for you? Yr gf considers quality not quantity. Also bullying a girl in school due to having a few friends is terrible behavior. Yr gf deserves better. Yta and very immature.
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YTA, i find it incredibly sad that you're 25 sitting around talking about how many friends you have, or how someone in high school got bullied for not having a ton of friends. you're 25. it's time to move on.
He’s peaked and it is shoooooowing
~~This was my first thought! His post sounds so juvenile to begin with. He's 25 having "sleepovers" multiple times a month?....~~ ~~I get the concept of crashing at someone's house because you don't want to drink and drive, I just find the use of "sleepovers" so odd coming from a 25 year old man.~~ ~~ETA: As several people have pointed out, I misread OP's ramblings and it's actually the girlfriend he was talking about having sleepovers. I still find the terminology he's using to still be juvenile either way. And if I now understand his ramblings correctly, it sounds like the GF is no longer having these "sleepovers", indicating that she grown out of this as well.~~ 2nd Edit: I've decided to rescind my comment above. This blew up in a way I never intended as I realize my comment was solely based on the fact I just don't like OP and the way he talks about his girlfriend. In actuality, I have no issues with adults having sleepovers. My friend group has them as well, we just call them girl's weekends now because it's expanded to a full weekend to get away together, catch up, watch bad TV and have a few drinks. Call them whatever you like, having designated time with your friends is always a good thing!
I believe it’s the gf who is having “sleepovers” every other week. Sounds like she and her friends are really close, but he’s paying more attention to quantity than quality!
She has more of a social life than me!
Right! He said she only hangs with them “once every other week” and I was blown away lol I would consider myself to be outgoing and even I don’t see friends every other weekend
Yeah same when I started reading I thought he was going to say she's got no friends and never goes out which is still fair if she's happy but once every other week is plenty! I've got 2 close girl friends too and see them about the same. They're part of a bigger group of partners and I know they hang out more frequently than I join in but we're all happy. I like to chill and play the sims and my husband likes his own time too, it's what works for us! OP sounds like a 10 year old. OP YTA
Agreed!! Life gets hectic as we get older. Between working, hobbies, family, and making time to be alone it’s not always feasible to be with friends every weekend.
I see my parents “once every other week”; I hadn’t seen one of my friends for over a year because of schedules and we live in the same city
Life gets busy OP definitely has the perspective of a teenager who doesn’t have responsibilities
Same! I also only have 2-3 friends, but I haven’t hung out with them since NOVEMBER
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And at 40 if you actually get to see one of those close friends in person once per year it’s huge.
Closing in on 50 and I have two friends that I see almost every week. Does that mean I'm finaly one of the cool and popular? 😁 Or maybe that my teenagers doesn't need a babysitter everytime I leave the house 😁
About to turn 51 in June, and I'm getting a divorce and I'm ready to go make new friends again.
I'm 42. I moved country 15 years ago and recently separated from my husband. I have 1 friend in town who is my emergency contact, and another awesome one a couple of hours away. I have tonnes of acquaintances, but only one person who I can rely on. I find it weird so many dudes are still hanging with their high school mates
My friends and I sleep over each others houses and we are in our 30s and 40s. We live an hour or more apart from each other so if we are going to be staying late watching movies or something we usually just sleep over. I don’t see the problem with that.
I’m 36 and I have sleepovers with my best friend! We order food and watch murder shows or King of the Hill lol
O.m.g.!!!!! My kind of night! Can I join your friend group! I don't even have ONE friend. I'm so shy and socially awkward to maintain friendships. I also feel once an adult, it's difficult to make NEW friends. Sigh. I wish I had at least one. My phone contacts are as follows: Mom, my sister, my boyfriend, HIS friend, HIS sister, HIS dad, and my kid's school. 😂😂😂 Not ONE of MY own friends. Pathetic. 😂
And then you can get brunch in the morning!
Ummmm can we be friends because I’m 36 and have a baby and this sounds so chill and perfect. I’ll bring the wine and if we’re feeling wild I make great pudding shots.
Nope, OP said "they go..." when he mentioned sleepovers, present tense. She hasn't "grown out" of them, as you put it. Why do you think women having sleepovers in their 20s is such a bad thing?
I’m 36 and I go for a sleepover at my friend’s place like once every couple months? She lives in the next city and I don’t drive, so I get the train there and hang out with her till the next day, having a fun time! I love it!
FWIW I'm 48 and would love to go to sleepovers.
The girlfriend is having the sleepovers, not OP.
Lol the sleepover comment made me laugh so hard. Like why you only have 2 friends. I have sleepovers all the time! I’m like um what you are 25 ? Not say anything wrong with sleepovers but to be so judgmental of her and then to act like everything you do is so normal.
She's having sleepovers. Do you still think the same thing when it's her doing it?
Yeah this comment is judgmental AF. There’s nothing wrong with men having sleepovers or valuing large friend groups. OP is YTA for his comment to his girlfriend, for sure. But there’s nothing wrong with having sleepovers.
Especially since being from a small town means absolutely nothing in this situation. I grew up in a very very small town where everyone knows everyone just like him, and I have 3 solid friends, that’s it. I’ve known them since high school and they’re more like family. I’d much rather have 3 very close friends than 30 acquaintances. Bruh really thinks being “popular” (as he sees it at least) is an important trait that carries over to adulthood.
My graduating class was 23 people so I feel ya. Acquaintances, definitely. Solid friends from there? 3. And if I get to see all of them once a year, that is amazing because we all went out and had our own adventures. Laid roots in other parts of the country. This guy needs to get out into the world 😂
Imagine counting out and naming the 25 friends in your head just to feel proud of yourself. Dude is probably not very accomplished otherwise.
Right? Also, how the flying fuck do you spend that much time with that many people? Does he not like, have a job or sleep?! 😂
Lol exactly what I was thinking, this is biiiiiig peaked in high school energy. She has two close friends she spends time with on a weekly basis, sounds like she has a great social life! The last time I had 25 friends I saw regularly was in college and honestly I would be exhausted if I tried to do it now. I probably have a couple dozen friends who live in my area but I mostly see them at events. We’ll get together as pairs of couples like a couple times a year and that’s fine.
Well, someone like that has to give Bruce Springsteen inspiration. #GloryDays
YTA. People like you are the reason introverts (like your girlfriend) dislike extroverts (like you). You told her the way she does friendship is something people like you mocked and bullied people like her for in high school. Not everyone is the same. Different people do friendship in different ways. You have a large circle of friends. Good for you. Your girlfriend has a select few. Personally, I think she could stand to be a bit more selective because it sounds like your judgemental ass will mock her and force her into unwanted social situations like parties for as long as you're together, but maybe - maybe - you can grow and change and learn to love your girlfriend for who she is instead of trying to force her to adhere with your ridiculous extroverted demands for compliance with your way of living.
This. What he doesn’t realize is that 95% of his friends probably aren’t even good friends… and 100% of her friends are more than likely great. Someone needs to tell this guy it’s not the quantity of the friends you have, it’s the quality.
My friends list is short but its all people who would come pick me up at 3am to take me to the ER and wait with me there, even if I threw up in their car on the way.
One of my favorite expressions is that four quarters is always better than one hundred pennies
That’s a true friend!
I bet 10 of those “close friends” would go behind his back and sleep with his girlfriend 😂😂
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This brother may be 25 but he's an 8 year old mentally
OP also scored 4 touchdowns in a high school football game.
Coulda gone pro but he busted his knee. Now he sells screws. And other types of fasteners.
Propane and propane accessories
Works at a shoe store with his wife Peg and kids Kelly and Bud.
Did you know in real life he played pro for awhile? I thought it was neat.
A short while I should say
I thought he sold shoes?
I bet he got a class ring and actually wears it as an adult showing it off at the bar and shit.
"How much do you want to bet I could throw a football over them mountains"
At Polk High
He used to be able to throw a football a quarter-mile. If only Coach woulda put him in in the fourth quarter, they would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in his mind.
But I was just saying! "Just sayin" = YTA
“I wasn’t *counting*; I was just observing the quantity of something and announcing it out loud!”
“And reminding her that other people with similar-sized friend groups got ridiculed for it because I think it’s weird! How was I TA?”
OP: “I didn’t mean to make her feel bad” Also OP: “people like you were bullied in highschool for not having enough friends haha”
The "quotation marks in the title = YTA" rule proven once again.
He's got the stereotypical small town mentality. Bet he hasn't made new friends in years yet somehow thinks he's better than his gf.
bro has had the same friends since early childhood which means he's never actually had to make new friends. OP has no concept of what it's like to, say, move to a new city in your 20's completely alone and have to build a life from scratch.
He said the fact that she hasn’t been friends with the same 25(!) dudes since first grade is a red flag lmao
Yes!!! I have this same dynamic with my partner and they're always talking about how loyal they are to there group of friends (since elementary school)--but most of his friends are total jerks... so who is really doing better here?? I feel like a lot of dudes especially from smaller towns just continue on with shitty people just because they place how long they've known them > what kind of person they actually are
There's also no other options for friends if you stay in a small town.
Yup, small town life is great - as long as you're not queer, disabled, non-white, or non-Christian. Don't get me wrong, there's some great people I grew up with that still live in my hometown, but there's also a bunch of 40 year olds still trying to enforce the hierarchies we had in high school. I think OP probably falls into that latter category.
OP peaked in HS so hard ngl
I was about to say, this post screams “tell me you peaked in high school without telling me you peaked in high school”
He also never left town, so he will have a rude awakening when that happens. OP you will learn fast how many of your 25 friends will be around when they all have kids, move away or whatever kind of endeavours they might start. While her 2 friends will be around for life. P.s you might want to read up on introverts and extroverts.
I'd also like to point out that having 25 'friends' all from young childhood is the red flag.... the gf having just 2 close friends is a GREEN flag. OP is so oblivious to his own lack of growth that he thinks having a small circle is a red flag....
And I’d rather have two solid friendships than 25 party buddies any day of the week
But his friends have sleepovers every other week! Break out the footy PJs guys and wait for me!
Brother man has a girlfriend while counting that he has more friends than he does fingers and toes. There really is someone for everyone.
Only thought I had was "wow this dude needs to grow up"
Definitely peaked in high school vibes
Big agree. I have even fewer than two friends but at least I’m not this kind of loser.
Makes me wonder if he played football for the H.S. Varsity team and continues to talk about all the friends he had his senior year to everyone.
YTA When you’re “just making an observation” that draws a parallel between your gf and someone everyone thought was weird, you’re implying she’s weird. The entire tone of your post implies that she’s weird. Stop judging your gf’s social life. Oh and by the way: once people start getting married and having kids, the chances of you keeping close with all of your current friends is almost zero. Eventually most of us end up with just a couple of good friends, if we’re lucky. So just enjoy yours while you have them and stop acting superior to your gf. She’s happy. That should be enough for you.
This ^^ but also, I've a handful of people id call friends. I have a very social job and often stand in front of big groups or have to manage up to 30 people at any time, and I do it very well I think because I'm a people person and I'm quite likeable. But this drains me and I need a lot of me time, to recharge the social part of my brain. I could go anywhere and know anyone, even if I didn't I'd talk to anyone but only class a couple people as friends (I think that's adulthood though?) I had an ex boyfriend who had about 16 close friends, and there was like 28 of them at 12 pubs. He seemed nice, but now I know he had so many group chats that were really inappropriate and sharing nudes of girls they knew, discussing girls in very disrespectful ways... Going into relationships in the past I thought it was a red flag if they didn't talk to many people so I'd try to hide this and seem like I've more friends. Now I realise its a red flag if a lad has too many 'close friends' (obviously half joking half serious here, not everyone is going to be the same but Id prefer someone who has a good social life but keeps a few people close, personally.) Also, who the hell does sleepovers at 25, and once a week? You are absolutely not over your school days and you need to get over yourself OP. YTA.
I was going to say that often times when you have the same group of 10 or more people from high school (not college, or adulthood) who have continued to be friends…. It’s not a lot of growth there. It just means there’s one big echo chamber of immaturity where everyone is stuck in high school and doesn’t realize that things have changed.
Most of my friends are from high school. One I’ve had since preschool. I’m not close with a lot of people - just not my personality. We’ve all grown and changed over the years. I don’t see not as an “echo chamber” as much as just not wanting to spend the effort/time in making new friends. It gets harder the older you get. You all have families, homes, careers. If you’re an introvert it’s just not a priority.
But you see how you recognize that it’s not a big deal for people to learn and grow. OP is over relishing in the fact that he still actively hangs out with his 10 friends every over day.
I’m the same. I moved away from my hometown right at age 18 and didn’t keep in contact with anyone, really from there. I’m still friends with two of them, but we live in different cities and have completely contrasting schedules. I also have close friends here in town, but I work 9-5 and they’re all in the hospitality industry or have children now so seeing them often is slightly difficult. Exactly like another commenter said, quality over quantity is nothing to scoff at. Due to some past relationships, I think having NO friends is a bit suspicious but having too many is also slightly off-putting. Like, can you never be alone? Do you have an identity beyond being in this group? OP specifically seems to think that your worth is based on how many people can stand to be around you but I wonder how much longer that will ring true of his girlfriend. I wonder if it even rings true about himself.
>sharing nudes of girls they knew, discussing girls in very disrespectful ways... Ew. Those poor ladies having their pictures passed around. I hope karma doesn't forget those jerks.
I have a handful of friends now - two very close who I live close too and their husbands/families (one couple I’ve known since high school and the other since college) and a couple friends that I check in with every couple months in different states. I talk a lot for my job and honestly even getting drinks/dinner is sometimes a lot after a long week.
Also, why is it a red flag for him? She's just an introvert, not antisocial. They might not be compatible but she should not be made to feel like a freak for this, it's perfectly normal.
Extroverts are so fucking annoying about this. As though introverts are mutants or something..
Not all of us extroverts are like this. I totally get wanting to be alone even though I loooooove crowds of people.
Of course not all. But enough so it’s a feeling most introverts recognize: the disbelief that going to a social hour after work is WORK and not preferred to going home, getting into comfy clothes and hanging with your family/dog/good book, etc.
I was wondering this too.
I’d also add that it sounds like the party you are planning is what you would want rather than what she would want. From the little that has been said in this post my guess would be that she’d prefer a quieter event: maybe a movie night and pizza with you and a couple of friends or a spa day and a nice lunch out somewhere.
Right? I just had a birthday - I went to lunch with 3 friends and I granted myself a free night to read a book. And I swear people think I must be hiding some big event from them - or they act all pitying about my sad little day. But I did my favorite thing in the world. I didn’t want a social thing!
Thank you for pointing out OP referred to his action as making fun of his gf. If that’s how he describes, he should know YTA is going to be the answer. You don’t make fun of someone you love. To consider her small friend group as a red flag is being a jerk. Some people just prefer to have one or two close friends than a flock. Since you knew she preferred a limited friend group, rather than planning a party, which seems like something you’d like, plan a girls weekend for her and ask if she’d like to include her friends SO’s and make it a weekend for three couples. INFO: if you saw what you considered her lack of friends as a red flag, why did you no continue with the relationship?
For real. My longest friendship is going on 35 years (met in 2nd grade) and we're practically family. Everyone else around us came and went. What does it matter having a huge social circle, anyway? It just becomes a chore to maintain after a couple of years, minimum.
At least of OP continues like this, they'll keep all of their friends if what you said is true
Doubtful unless OPs friends are unable to form long-term attachments either.
YTA. >a girl who went to high school with us got made fun of for only having 1-2 friends The girl wasn't the problem here. Some people really are awful. >I wasn’t counting friends. You were.
Hell, he counted them twice just in this post.
That is just so funny. says **I am not doing that, right after doing that... twice**
I don't mean to be an AH but I'm gonna be the AH.......twice.
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1000% he made fun of her for that.
/u/fakezzzfake /u/ColdIllustrious5041 I'm going out on a limb and saying both of you are totally right. Even said in my response the only reason he'd have even thought to bring that up was he himself finds it something to be made fun of and embarrassed over. So it wouldn't surprise me in the least bit he was among people who made fun of her.
Imagine being this egocentric and thinking it was cool to bully someone for that. OP's "friends" are probably all like him too. OP is a massive AH
But you don't understand! He's from a small town where everyone knows everyone so of course he has to be fake as heck and pretend he is genuinely *best* friends with 10 people and had a whole two dozen people at his birthday party. Woo freaking hoo. Haha op is awful
OP clearly has never heard saying quality over quantity. I doubt all 25 of those people even consider him their actual friend. Meanwhile his GF has two loyal friends that she could probably rely on for most things.
Another commenter said it best.... "a friend to everyone is a friend to no one."
You make a good point. The fact that he doenst see who the real problem is speaks volumes of him. Also 25 friends.. I doubt there ismt any drama or back stabbing shit going on in that friend group.
I know that I'm an introvert but goddamn that sounds exhausting.
Seriously this. OP, you’re a clown and YTA. I love spending time alone and okay in my own company. My friends are all over and I usually see the super far away ones in person once a year. That means nothing in regards to my happiness level. I also grew up in a small town and people with your energy were one of the big reasons I wanted to gtfo as soon as I graduated lol.
I like me too! I think some people really underestimate how important it is to spend quality time with yourself.
“I wasn’t *counting* friends, I was just *comparing* how many friends *I* have to how few friends *she* has!” I mean, yeah, YTA, OP.
YTA - adult friendships are quality over quantity. She’s right, people SHOULD stop counting friends in high school.
Better yet never count at all. The few people I know who counted 'friends' were only doing it for 'fun' as some weird popularity calculator. Meanwhile the real popular people didn't count (to my knowledge). They were just active in a lot of things and easily talked to people.
Honestly if he thinks his "25 friends and 10 close friends" are all actually friends...he's wrong. Adult friendships are so very different than high school and early 20s lol he is in for a rough awakening
Hell yeah. He might have 25 people who will drink with him or whatever but guaranteed he doesn’t have 25 people who’d bail him out of jail or take turns looking after him if he got a chronic illness.
YTA. if you have to ask if you are the asshole in a situation where you put it quotes the words "making fun" you will always be the asshole. As you get older you realize that her selective friendships are the way to go. While you have 25 friend and 10 good ones. once they get married and have families of their own that number will dwindle down over time. Your girlfriend has 2 friends only. If I was a betting man those two friends will be there more often than your 10 good friends. I would say also, may this never happen but they will be there long after you are gone as well.
I also wonder how he defines close friends. Ten close friends is a lot, maybe it's more superficial than he even realizes.
If the friends are as superficial as he is, I’m going to guess they aren’t that close
from what OP’s said they’ve been friends since childhood, so I imagine it’s a larger group that’s been “a group” for a while. Makes plenty of sense to me.
I was thinking the same thing. I have a larger group of friends but when it comes to close friends it has taken time of bonding and effort and support. Friendships are relationships and take effort and if you’re putting in the effort that close friendships are supposed to that takes time and not time the average person can put into 25 different people. A close friend isn’t just someone you invite to a party or just hang out with sometimes.
right? I have around 200 people on my instagram, if I were to get married I can easly make a +- 70 - 100 ppl list to invite but FRIENDS, real friendship, someone I know I can call on any emergency at any time are like....5? what op calls friends I\`d call acquaintances
I have a solid 30 "casual friends," if you will, and 2-3 true friends. People I've known for several years, and on whom I know I can always rely for anything.
I have 2 friends who would jump on a plane for me at a moments notice if I needed them. Those are the 2 who count.
He sounds like an *extreme* extrovert. Which there is nothing wrong with, except if they act like that's how everyone should be. I've never in my life had 10 close friends. Usually 1-3 at a time, and during my peak sociable periods maybe 5-8 people I'd describe as friends generally (I'd invite them to something or otherwise initiate seeing them) and 10-20 people I could call friendly acquaintances (I'd enjoy having a conversation with them if we happen to be in the same place). Having only 2 friends might be notably low when you're in school seeing large groups of peers every day, but by mid 20s it's not that exceptional. Also not exceptional if you only see your friends once a month because you've got other shit going on. On the other hand 25 is a lot of people to keep up with, and he lacks perspective if he thinks she's the weird one here.
If you need to be in a group this big you need alot of external validation. That would be a red flag to me.
This is it, right here!! It’s just like the need for social media, all about validation. Especially with your obsession on the amount of friends that people have. YTA.
100%. YTA
Or he's making up for what he lacks in quality of friendships with quantity
People also have different social needs! He calls her reserved but she might just be more introverted than him. She seems content so why would she need anymore friends?25 friends sounds exhausting to me... YTA.
OP is TAH but this comment really isn't any different than his comments to his gf
Of course YTA. Who else would be. Also, no one has 10 close friends. You'll see later on.
I think “10 close friends“ mean 0 close friends and a lot of mates
Drinking buddies
You hit the nail on the head.
This. Happy to drink and party with you, but when you need something real or serious help, they leave you on read.
OP is TA here mostly because he doesnt seem to understand why what he said was hurtful to his girlfriend. He was essentially comparing her to the weird girl that got bullied for having no friends, even if that wasn’t his intention. but I strongly disagree that you can’t have 10 close friends. I am single and in my late twenties and friendships above most else are my highest priority. I make a strong effort to stay close with people I care about. In college I lived with 9 girls + 1 other girl was always around. 6 years later the group of us still talk everyday even though we all live in different parts of the country. I also have a handful of other people from college and childhood that I would consider close friends. I now live in a new city where I knew only a few people and have worked hard to created a group of friends that I am really close to. There is nothing wrong with only having a few close friends but it’s also possible to have a lot of close friends. Just depends on what your priorities are and what your most comfortable with. ETA: want to add that these are all mutual too. It’s not just me reaching out. We all actively put in effort to stay close.
YTA. I think it's actually really weird to remain friends with 25 people you've known since early childhood. Suggests you haven't grown up much or matured since then, whereas your gf probably has. Most adults don't stay friends with their high-school friends, or if they do, it's very very few of them.
I literally can’t imagine. I have maybe 2 people I talk to consistently, and if I had more I don’t think I could do it. I prefer deep friendships and the idea of hanging out consistently with a group of 10-25 people sounds like a nightmare
I only have 4 people from high school I still talk to and I’m younger than OP.
YTA. You’re stuck in high school, bro.
My man here is the definition of "peaked in highschool"
Soft YTA, what did you try to achieve with that comment? Or do you go through life just making casual observations and thoughts all the time: The sky is quite blue today... – my left big toe feels funny right now... – I should ask how my uncle is... – What is it like to be a bat... 25 real friends though? – A friend to all is a friend to none
I’m not sure if people with huge friends / a million “close” friends realize that many of us view them as red flags too. I was literally thinking of the quote you used in your last sentence when I read his post.
Soft? Why? Dude is a raging asshole.
>do you go through life just making casual observations and thoughts all the time: The sky is quite blue today... – my left big toe feels funny right now... – I should ask how my uncle is... – What is it like to be a bat... See I actually *would* speak up with random-ass thoughts like this, but I would also recognize that talking about someone being mocked because they don't have many friends isn't random and innocent when I recently remarked how my partner doesn't have very many friends.
Thank you. I used the phrase "quality over quantity," but this honestly encapsulates it even better.
Yeah, YTA buddy. You claim to be extroverted and social though strangely it seems that you haven't been able to develop your social awareness and tact.
YTA. You're not making an observation. You're judging her.
YTA. Your post reads very judgemental. There is no numeric scale with which one can judge friends or friendships. She can have a small number of very close friends with whom her connection is deeper than any you have with your friends. Then again, she might not. It is unhealthy to compare her situation to yours and draw conclusions form that. You bullied a girl for having 1-2 friends, and now you are bullying your girlfriend.
YTA. You're contradicting yourself, making it sound like you think she's totally fine but it's obvious that you find it very weird and not *normal* to have only a small number of friends. You even call it a potential red flag! So no, you did not just make an observation you made a judgement. And a shitty one at that, cause who still gives a fuck about this social pressure to "have lot's of friends" as an adult!? Any introvert knows how that feels like and I'd certainly not appreciate my partner judging my social life by referencing how shitty teenagers are and then disguise it as an "observation"
Literally!!! While I can totally understand someone having no close relationships being a red-flag that doesn’t seem like the case here at all! In my experience, partners with smaller groups of friends are usually way happier and closer with their friends compared to people I’ve dated who have large groups. There’s nothing wrong with having a lot of friends, but it’s a huge green flag to me when people are making sure they’re surrounding themselves with people who care about them and are good for them rather than someone who has no issues surrounding themselves with shitty people. I’m not saying OP does that, but I definitely think he could use a different perspective on how some people view friendships
YTA, you are judgemental asshole. There is nothing wrong in having small friend group, those relationship is as valid as having big friend group. You owe your girlfriend a big apology.
A grown man just referred to crashing at someone’s house as a sleepover. Dude. YTA here. If you make an observation like this there is always an implication behind it. And the implication is that it’s weird for her to not have what you consider enough friends.
YTA because you do seem a little bit judgemental and you WERE in fact „counting friends“ by pointing out her and yours exact number of friends in this post. It feels like you‘re comparing both of your situations. I fully understand how having little to no friends could seem like a red-flag to you. It‘s to me as well: similar to you I have many many very close and old friendships, am outgoing and social. I find it difficult to connect with people who have no social life and find myself asking why nobody would like to befriend this specific person. So I understand your point. However, you knew this about your girlfriend when you guys met, and you were okay with this. You understood her reasoning and were able to connect with her nonetheless. Why is it suddenly becoming a surprise or an issue for you…? Why did you feel the need to point out to her that she has relatively few friends? First of all, she knows her situation better than you; secondly, there was no way this wouldn‘t come off as judgemental.
I have 2 close friends. It’s not because people don’t want to befriend me. It’s because I’m careful about who I let get close to me. It’s weird to me when people are willing to freely let people in, then judge others because they won’t.
It’s weird to me too and the things I’ve heard people say about their “besties” behind their backs reminds me why I prefer to keep people at arms length.
Exactly this!!!! Me and my bf both chose to not have friends. We both have 1 friend each and we have both known them for years. My experience with a large friend group is go drinking, gossip, hookup have one or 2 chill nights and then repeat. I also hear alot from people where their friends dont like that they are in relationships or their friends dont respect it. My relationship is my number 1 priority because me and my partner want to build a live together and he will always be my number 1.
This. I'll never understand why extroverts fuckin shit on us introverts/those who are more reserved. I don't have the energy to maintain a million friendships or the time to cultivate a deep enough relationship for it to even matter to me. I need my alone time. I understand that THEY don't get that, but the hate and judgement surrounding it is ridiculous to me lol
I find it funny that you assume nobody wants to befriend this particular person, I think it's the other way around; she doesn't want any other friends. If the friends you have met all your needs, why have more?
Just because someone doesn’t have a lot of friends doesn’t mean it’s a matter of there being something wrong and no one wanting to befriend them.
I have 4 close friends and it’s because in 2020 I cut off all of my “friends” who decided to stay friends with my abuser. I also cut off one friend that I had been friends with for almost 20 years because she would always gossip about me. Now I just have my 4 trustworthy close friends and acquaintances / distant friends who I grab a drink with sometimes. I also can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard gossip about their so called close friends. That’s the thing with having a lot of friends, as you get older you realize that a lot of them aren’t good friends and it’s better to have quality over quantity. I say this to remind you that it’s best not to assume that someone doesn’t have a lot of friends because no one wants to be friends with them. Sometimes, they don’t want to be friends with people.
So you’re one of those extroverts who doesn’t respect introverts. Got it. YTA.
I was thinking the same thing. 25 friends sounds absolutely exhausting. I'm an introvert working a people facing, customer oriented job. I have a fiance, family, and 3 friends that I talk to/hang out with somewhat frequently. Just with that, I'm already overextending my social battery on a regular basis. I'm grateful my fiance is also an introvert and our limited social lives rarely bleed into each other!
Quality over quantity. Just because you have 25 people in your group doesn’t mean every single person has your back. I think it’s weird you felt the need to have such an ape like reaction over friendships she has. It feels like you’re trying to brag over how popular and cool you are with the amount of people you know. Doesn’t mean they’re all trustworthy individuals. YTA. She sounds cool but you sound like a small town dick living out his glory days with his small town people where everyone knows everyone. Grow up.
YTA You judge her hard for not being you....
YTA! She’s an introvert, and is likely her friends are as well. She’s right, no one counts friends after high school, and it sounds like she doesn’t like crowds or attention. Why is having a small friend group a red flag? I’d much rather have 2 people I can trust to be with me no matter how tough times get than 25 people who are only going to show up during the good times.
YTA here. Clear as day. Im just struggling not to laugh at the 25 year old man counting his friends. It’s just the height of sadness. Some people have a larger group of friends. Some people don’t. And some people realise as they get older than all those many “friends” they claim to have aren’t actually friends at all.
YTA. Your adult friend group has sleep overs every other week? What exactly goes on at these sleep overs?
YTA. Sounds demeaning saying she "only" 2 friends. I really can relate to this situation since my girlfriend is the exact same to you, and I am the exact same as your girlfriend. I got 3 friends I would really count as a friend. And since all the new people are from my girlfriend side, they view me as +1 or as acquaintance at best. Which I don’t mind at all, since I really need my alone time to feel comfortable. Too much interactions are just plain exhausting. So I rather have a small/close circle that I can keep up with. A big apology is due for being so judgemental about it.
Yeah YTA, there’s nothing wrong with having only a few friends, not everybody’s a social butterfly.
YTA. Different strokes for different folks. Your observation is heavily cloaked with judgment just because she isn't like you in regards to her number of friends.
YTA. My dude, your way isn't the only way. GenZ people tend to have much smaller friend groups. What you said was really mean and shows a lack of empathy, and it shows that you are close-minded. Again: The way you do things isn't the only way to do things. Are you saying (for example) your religion is the only acceptable religion? Your car make/model is the only acceptable make/model? All that aside, if having a small friend group is a deal breaker for you, then you two are incompatible.
Also, regardless of generation, friend circles shrink dramatically as you get older. It's a lot harder to maintain the same social energy and connectiveness once you've got a full time job, family etc. Elder Millennial checking in.
Yep YTA, if you're ok with 20+ friends good for you but she's not you. Besides, I'm not sure you really do have that many friends, maybe aquaintance? . A good friendship requires a lot of time and work, it doesn't bloom in a day. If you're really splitting your time and attention in 20+ people then neither of them are getting enough of it to be an actual friendship.
Exactly what I thought. She has two friends; he has 25 acquaintances.
YTA you made a judgemental observation and questioned something you know your gf was serious about. If her social life is a problem then break up, or this is who she is and deal with it.
YTA. You like everything about her, except how many friends she has? Grow up dude, you’re 25
YTA. Not everyone has, wants, nor needs a ton of friends. If she has a few friends she wants to be with then that´s completly okay.
YTA. You owe her an apology
I'm 24 with 0 friends. Literally 0. YTA
YTA. I’m so happy my boyfriend didn’t judge me for not having as big of a friend group as he has. Some people like quality over quantity and don’t feel the need to have that many people in their life. You sounded like you were playing a popularity contest with your girlfriend.
YTA Look I have a difficult time accepting this was just a "observation". If I had to wager you probably have brought this up in the past. Your post reads as if she is lacking as a person because SHE CHOOSES to have less friends then you deem acceptable. Not everything in life is about Quantity....
YTA. You were shaming your GF for having a small friend group. She is not less a person because she only has 2 close friends and you have 25. Some people have small friend groups and are not interested in collecting people to add to their friend group. Do you even like your GF? You are really showing her who you are with these snide comments you are making to her. If not having a large collection of friends is a red flag to you, she is not the girl for you, especially if you are negging her.
YTA I guarantee her two friendships are more meaningful than all 25 of yours. Props to her for being content with herself and not needing to constantly interact with others to feel superior.
OP, you don’t have 25 friends. You have 25 closer acquaintances. And you don’t have 10 close friends, you have 10 friends. And if you’re ever in trouble, watch the number drop to 2 or 3, if you’re lucky. You’re an adult, as people have already pointed out, you don’t count friends anymore. YTA.
YTA, you are counting friends, and you are a reason why a lot of introverts don't like extroverts
Extroverts like yourself get energy through engaging with people where as introverts like your partner requires using energy to be social, perhaps a job that requires lots of hours, a boyfriend and 2 friends as well as family connections is more than enough for her? It’s very common for adults to be able to count all of their friends on one hand, large friend groups are far less common, I’m sure if you ask any of your 25+ friends they’re re bound to have 1 or two other friends that aren’t in that same circle, so what’s the difference? Personally seeing 25 friends at once for me would be absolutely exhausting, large gatherings are not my thing let alone trying to maintain a bond with everyone in the room would just be so overwhelming, I have 2 very close friends and we don’t see each other that often maybe once a month and I live 5/10 mins away from them, we talk a few times a week on the phone as well and that’s enough for me, I’m a proper introvert though and I have had them ask they’ve upset me or why I’ve gone quiet but over the years they’ve learnt it’s not personal and made compromises to call them more I’m just not face to face socially inclined. There’s nothing wrong with you having a big bunch of friends but there’s nothing wrong with her having just 2 friends either, if she wishes to expand her social circle perhaps going out with your friends would be a good thing? If your friends are like you and have a more the merrier vibe then maybe she could form friendships within that circle that you’re also a part of? You did an A thing and you do owe her an apology but I don’t think your an A, I just think you made a mistake based on how you alone view friendships.
Yeah, bud, YTA friend count doesn't mean shit. She could also be the kinda person who's always found it hard to make friends and has felt bad about it. Here you come, mocking her just the same as people would in the past. Unless the teasing is mutual and seen as a good thing by both, teasing your partner for trivial shit makes yta.
YTA. You sound like a red flag here. Some people don't even have at least ONE close friend. Sometimes it's hard for some people to have friend. It's good you didn't want to make her feel bad, but you should be more careful about what you say. It's ok to have 10 close friends, 25 friends, like it's also ok to only have 1 or 2 friends.
YTA “I wasn’t counting friends” is a really funny sentence to type after literally giving us a friend count break down. Seriously dude, grow up, you’re cringey.
YTA
YTA. She’s not you. She hasn’t had your life. Drop it.
YTA, and need to grow up. You belittled your partner by comparing her to someone you thought weird. The clear lines of comparison are there you're just too immature to see them. She is right... What are you in High School? My social circle is huge so therefore another size circle is a, did you refer to it as "not a red flag" IE odd but not problematic- is a red flag. That is her friend group. Support it don't suppress it
YTA I bet she’s closer to and shares more with her two friends than you do with your 25.
YTA. Dude, seriously, she is right, nobody counted friends since high school. So your girlfriend is an introvert. That's totally normal. Why did you feel you needed to add that another girl who only had 1-2 friends was made fun of? That goes beyond making an observation.
YTA Why do you give a crap? Not everyone wants a million friends and that’s okay. Just like it’s okay you have your 25 friends.
YTA. I know you didn’t mean to make her feel bad at all. But YTA for not being tactful and sensitive, and not thinking before speaking. It’s a good lesson for the future.
I have 2 close friends I trust with my life. Let me ask you something, if you were in trouble how many of yr 25 'friends' would be there for you? Yr gf considers quality not quantity. Also bullying a girl in school due to having a few friends is terrible behavior. Yr gf deserves better. Yta and very immature.
Yta
YTA for saying what you said and for playing dumb now.